Smutty_squirrel
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Summary
COMPLETE
Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger are best friends.
Absolutely, totally, just best friends.
They remind themselves (and everyone else) of this fact daily.So being magically handcuffed together for thirty days?
No problem. They’re curse-breaking professionals. They’ve got this.…Right?
Featuring:
* Chaotic bestie Theodore Nott, agent of anarchy
* Weekly friendship rules (because boundaries are important)
* Hermione’s extremely secret hookup
* Yelling is Hermione and Lucius’ love language
* Draco’s unfortunate discovery of Muggle porn
* A wildly unstable bride-to-be with a magazine deal and a tiara the size of Neptune
* Nothing says best friends like mutual masturbation, as long as there isn't direct eye-contact.
* And we ponder the eternal question: do all magical massages have a happy ending?- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 57,224
- Chapters:
- 20/20
- Comments:
- 178
- Kudos:
- 457
- Bookmarks:
- 130
- Hits:
- 10,121
Bookmarked by Smutty_squirrel
08 Oct 2025
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Summary
Severus Snape never loses control. And he never forms attachments.
That's why seven years after the War, he is considered one of the best doms to train new subs at The Onyx, Wizarding Britain's preeminent kink club. But what happens when the Master of Control is asked to train the Golden Girl herself?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 27,945
- Chapters:
- 9/9
- Comments:
- 132
- Kudos:
- 1,100
- Bookmarks:
- 228
- Hits:
- 32,248
Bookmarked by Smutty_squirrel
07 Oct 2025
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Summary
Hermione's unguarded admiration for Severus’s forearms and hands, and his "beautifully consistent brunoise" inevitably leads to the conception of their sixth child.
Severus glanced up from his book, “Brunch was...eventful?”
“They’ve weaponised your forearms.”
“…Pardon?”
“Our family. Our children. The entire collective Weasley hive mind. They’ve arrived at a unified theory of conception, and its name is Severus Snape’s bottom and sperms.”
“I...see?”
“No, you don’t,” Hermione said. “Our daughter calmly informed the whole Weasley clan that your forearms and hands got me all hot and bothered during soup night...”
Severus blinked.
“While chopping carrots,” she said flatly, “because, apparently, I find your knife technique deeply erotic.”
Severus closed his book very deliberately.
“Well, Hermione,” he murmured, glancing at her sidelong, “…historically, that tracks...”
She groaned. “Our children narrated our unintentional weekday dinner prep foreplay like we are the subjects of a nature documentary. To our extended family. And Phineas Nigellus.”Bookmarked by Smutty_squirrel
07 Oct 2025
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“Curious.”
Severus Snape’s deep voice always sent a frisson of uneasiness through her, like she was still in school, waiting for his harsh judgement on her school work.
“I heard they used this to torture Muggles during the Dark Ages,” he mused, looking down at the odd little box sitting in the middle of the room.
Bookmarked by Smutty_squirrel
05 Oct 2025
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Summary
Potter asks Draco if he’s done anal.
Draco assumes it’s about martinis, cooking techniques, or chess strategy.
It still ends with kissing.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,125
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 10
- Kudos:
- 23
- Bookmarks:
- 2
- Hits:
- 64
Bookmarked by Smutty_squirrel
05 Oct 2025