Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Again.”

Barring his teeth he takes first stance again, the heavy stick in his hands still not familiar enough to be comfortable. With what feels like agonizing slowness he goes through the stances of Soresu, Ahsoka watching carefully.

Around them the wind rushes through the tall grasses—not Naboo, but an uninhabited planet in the Outer Rim—strong enough to almost fight his movements. The thought gives him somewhere to push his energy, the frustration of having to do something so...boring. He’d learned Soresu as a padawan, and while he knows Ahsoka’s intention, he still finds it mind numbing after a fashion. So he pushes back against the wind, making it his partner in the spar.

“Stop.”

Letting the stick fall to his side his breathing begins to return to normal, rooting himself to the ground as the wind tries to push him over.

Ahsoka comes to a stop in front of him, one of her own lightsabers in hand. “You are not fighting the wind, Stranger. You are learning to control yourself, that is the way of Soresu.” She offers the saber, taking her second one in her other hand. “Perhaps you will do better with an attacker. Soresu only.”

“Yes, Master.” He ignites the saber as he lets the stick drop. The white of the blade still vaguely off-putting, even to him.

She narrows her eyes. “I am not your Master,” she replies as she ignites her other blade. “ We are not Jedi.” Her stance is loose, Shien, ready for anything. “You are a Seeker and I am your Guide. And right now you learn to control yourself.” She attacks.

He fights his instinct to retaliate. Control, focus, Soresu meant every move had to count, had to have a purpose in the grand scheme.

It seems only fitting that Ahsoka—’Master’ had been a habit, one apparently hard to break even though he refuses to be a Jedi, to be an Apprentice, anymore—uses the Form he himself prefers. Or near enough.

He can’t quite predict her attacks, but he knows what the Form’s capable of, how he can use Soresu to defend. He perhaps should at least be relieved she’s not making him do Niman.

“Why do you not like that Form?” She spins away as he deflects.

Shifting his weight back is a risk, but he trusts it. “My uncle,” he replies. He hasn’t been reluctant to tell her of his past, but he has been wary. But he’s discovered if he tells her bits of his, he gets some of hers in return. “It’s the Form he taught first, said the other five were good to know, but Niman would be all we needed as Jedi.”

She pushes forward, her blade connecting with his, her own strength and the Force attempting to push him back. But he’s already braced. With an exhale he pushes forward, forcing her from him.

A nod, he’s doing good then. “It is the Form that was favored by the Temple, even after we joined the Clone Wars. Though even then we didn’t rely solely on it. ‘Too soft,’ as my Master once said.” She reingages. “Good for the ideal of the Jedi, but the reality required otherwise. And six.”

Blinking he almost lets her blade through. “What?”

Breaking off she disingages her blade, he does the same. “There are seven forms. You said you had experience with the Knight of Ren, I thought you would have known that.” She snorts. “They use Juyo, though honestly it’s barely even that.”

He frowns at her. “No.” He casts his mind back, how the other Knights had pushed him to rely on his emotions more than he was used to when fighting, but it hadn’t felt like a different Form. Just a more intense combination of Djem So, and Ataru. Forms he’d taken to when he realized his grandfather had favored them. “I don’t recall seeing them use that.” Hedging that he’d been Kylo Ren was hard, soon he knew he’d have to tell her that truth. For now she seemed content with the facts that he’d been part of the First Order, that he’d had frequent contact with the Knights of Ren. He didn’t know what she thought his function had been.

She lets out a slow exhale. “It doesn't surprise me, they might not be Sith, but they’re secretive like them. Juyo is the prefered Form of most Dark users. It was forbidden for Jedi to learn by the Temple. It required your anger and other emotions as fuel. Only when Master Windu formed it into Vaapad was it considered and accepted. Hungry?”

Nodding he moves to help her get the meal ready.

“Though the other Masters were reluctant to teach it, or even learn it in the first place, and,” she shrugs. “Only a few decades later the Order had fallen. If I knew it I’d teach it to you, Stranger. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Windu left a holocron. I think it would fit you better, you’re not one to be separate from your emotions.”

“What gave that away?” He drawls.

It earns him an arched browmark as she hands him a plate. “Keep that up and I’ll make it a test to try and contact Windu’s ghost. That man was too stubborn not to leave one, even if Yoda didn’t have the time to teach it.”

-

Restlessly his thumb rubs over the lower sapphire in his mother’s ring—love can ignite the stars, pressing into his skin—while in his other hand the binary pulses, seeking out it’s mate. Inside his heart races, it’s the first real chance he’s had to contact his partners and he wants to hear them, to speak with them.

“Hello?” Rey’s voice breaks the quiet; breathless, like she’d raced to the comm.

“Rey.” His smile shines through his voice.

“R’iia’s shorts! It worked!” She shrieks. He imagines the way she bounces, the face-splitting smile she’s wearing. “Finn! Oh kriff, why’d Poe have to go on that mission? Master Luke! Find Rose!” A heartbeat. “Please?”

He bites his lip to keep from laughing. Closing his eyes he can almost feel her joy and excitement. “How are things over there?”

“Good!” He wonders how long it’s going to take for the excitement to die out of Rey’s voice. “Master Luke said he was going to take us to find our kyber crystals soon. I can’t wait to build my saber.” That doesn’t surprise him in the least. “Finn’s things are more interesting though.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Finn’s voice is full of love and fondness. “Good to hear from you. Master Luke started teaching us healing, and I think, I think that’s what I’m gonna do. Oh, and uh, Rose and I’re…”

Ben-Kylo smiles. “Good. I’m glad.” He doesn’t know how he’ll fit into the new way of things when he returns, but he’s willing to try at the very least. Rey, he knows, won’t let him fall behind unless he wants to. Nevermind Finn becoming a healer, that doesn’t surprise him at all. 

“What about you?” It almost comes out a chorus from Finn and Rey.

He leans his head against one of the jump seats in Ahsoka’s ship, feeling the engine thrum as they idle in space—all he knows is that they’re waiting for what she called her ‘job,’ but he has no idea what that entails. “I’ve met someone, not like that,” he cuts Rey off before she can even begin to ask questions. “She’s my teacher, her name’s Ahsoka. She’s...interesting. Different from Luke, and Snoke. I hope I can introduce you some day.”

“We’d love that,” Finn says.

A sharp whistle from Ahsoka pulls him out of the bubble his world had become. “Sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ll try and comm again soon.” Though he has no idea when soon will be.

“‘Course,” Rey agrees. “Love you.”

“Love you,” Finn repeats.

He blinks back tears. “Love you.” He ends the call.

Ahsoka doesn’t comment on the damp eyes. “They sound like good people.”

“They are,” his smile is a little watery. “Without them I’d still…” He drifts off. A welcome distraction comes from the grav-lock activating. The ship pumping air into the space that now connected it to another ship. “What’s going on?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve done this a few times now.”

The hatch opens, and he gently probes the ship as their door opens too. Determination, and fear.

A second later a stormtrooper steps through the hall.

Kylo’s body tenses, ready for the upcoming fight. Of course, Ahsoka had been too good to be true. How much had been the truth? And how much a lie?

“Peace, Stranger.” Ahsoka’s hand rests on his shoulder. “Look again.”

Barring his teeth, he does. It’s almost a whole squadron of ‘troopers now. But...none of them are armed. And as the first one steps onto the ship they...rip their helmet off, tossing it to the side. His features remind Kylo of Rose’s, and he looks...scared. The others soon follow suit, all of them humanoid—which doesn’t surprise him in the least, knowing Hux.

Ahsoka steps forward. “Welcome. I’m Specter, and this is my ship, the Liberator Minerva.”

The first male steps forward. “I...thank…” He starts to shake, armor clattering as he begins to collapse.

Ahsoka catches him easily, holding her to him as he begins to cry. “It’s alright. I know leaving was hard, but you did it.” Through the Force she nudges him up towards the pilot’s cabin.

Leaving her to tend to the ‘troopers, he settles into the pilot’s seat. How would Finn feel, knowing he’s not the last to desert the First Order, perhaps not even the first? Taking a shaky breath of his own he does his best to keep himself separate from the sea of emotion behind him. There’s coordinates plugged into the hyperspace nav, and he doesn’t need to bump Ahsoka to know that’s where they’re headed.

The ancient ship—he’s pretty sure it’s even older than the Falcon—lurches a little as they jump into hyperspace. He makes himself comfortable, content to pilot while Ahsoka helps settle their passengers.

-

Another lurch as the ship drops out of hyperspace. A planet sits below them, a mix of brown, green, and blue, and seemingly flawless from this height. The readout screen next to him tells him this is Lothal. The First Order won’t be more than a whisper here then. There had been mentions of occupying it like the Empire had, but ‘reasons’ why it would be a poor choice kept piling up, even if half of them had been ridiculously false. So it’d happily been put aside in favor of ‘better’ planets.

The scanner picks up a mid-sized city in the Northern hemisphere, and begins to head that way.

“No,” Ahsoka’s hand lands on his shoulder, as she joins him. “But follow the main road out east, there’s a landing spot marked out in the plains.” 

“How’re…” The fear and grief behind him has begun to turn to deep intent.

“Fine.” She collapses into the co-pilot’s seat. “They’re all deciding on names. At least once we drop them off they’ll be taken care off.”

“How?” He’s not quite sure how to make the question more clear. His face might now be scattered about half the galaxy, but he doubts most in the First Order still knows what he looks like. The ‘troopers certainly wouldn’t be calm knowing they flew with the former Kylo Ren.

She lets out a bark of laughter. “I certainly didn’t intend it. But there are moles in the First Order, and when one of them sent me a message a few years ago about ‘troopers wanting to desert...I couldn’t say no. Well, say no and live with myself.” She shrugs. “It’s not the first time I’ve handled refugees, and more the First Order loses, the better chance the Resistance has.”

Spotting the spot she’d mention he begins landing procedures.

“Perhaps if things had gone differently I would have been the one helping you escape the First Order, too.”

He huffs, not believing it for a moment, but not willing to argue with her either. Shutting the ship down he has no choice but to follow Ahsoka back out into the main area. All of the stormtroopers have shed their armor, all of it in one big pile on the floor. Some of them clutch datapads, while others talk quietly.

“Come on,” Ahsoka opens the main hatch. “And bring your armor, ”she says to the troopers. She steps closer to him. “You know how to make a fire?”

“Yes.”

She gives a nod. “Go start one then.”

He breathes fresh air and looks around for a good spot. He finds one, in that there’s a place next to a rock spire where the ground is black from previous fires, and a stack of wood and kindling. Considering the size of the blackened area it looks more like they need a bonfire. He builds it anyways.

Closing his eyes he lets the heat of it sink into him, behind him he can feel the troopers and Ahsoka approaching.

“Your old life is over,” Ahsoka’s voice has the cadence of repetition. “And your new life is about to begin. So throw the trappings of that old life into the fire, so you can rise up like the phoenix, full of hope and light.”

Kylo-Ben-Ben steps away from the bonfire. Opening his eyes he watches what was once a uniform group become disparate people, throwing their armor onto the fire for it to catch and begin to burn.

Then it’s over, and they’re stormtroopers no more.

“This way,” Ahsoka turns—she’s carrying a helmet of her own he notices, from a shocktrooper. She leads them deeper into the plains, until he sees bumps in the distance that aren’t the rock spires he expects, but buildings.

It’s a small town, and when they enter Kylo can feel everyone’s eyes on them, although the people call out greetings to Ahsoka. Which only relaxes him a little. They enter a cantina, The White Loth-Cat the sign over the door had read, and now he’s the one staring.

A colorful mural covers nearly every inch of wall, and as he follows it he realizes it tells a story, one of rebellion, and hope. On the wall behind the bar there’s a display of helmets, Imperial and First Order; which would explain the helmet Ahsoka carried.

Meows sound at his feet, looking down he finds he’s being crowded by loth-cats—none of them are white, he notices absently—the expressions on their faces clearly expectant. They follow him as he steps aside from the door.

With a sigh he crouches down, holding his hand out for them to sniff. This seems to content most of them, and they wander off through the cantina. Two stick around however and he reaches out to begin scratching the spotted of the two. “This is definitely not how I was expecting this cycle to go.” He supposes there are worse things.

“No one ever does,” a woman’s voice says above him. “I’d offer you a drink, but it looks like you have your hands full,” amusement fills her voice.

He looks up to see a green Twi'lek woman, a tray in her hands, smiling down at him. “I’m Hera.”

“I...don’t have a name.” He could feel the tips of his ears burning. The second loth-cat moved to rest it’s front paws on his thigh, ducking it’s head under his free arm, clearly demanding he pet it too.

“Couldn’t find one on Ahsoka’s list you liked? It happens, we won’t hold it against you. And you’re in no rush to pick a name.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, not a trooper. I’m travelling with Ahsoka, she’s...training me.” He hears her laughter and turning his head slightly he spots her leaning against the bar, laughing with a man on the other side, dark hair only just starting to gray. The man picks up the helmet Ahsoka offers him and turns to the wall, frowning in mock-focus.

“Jedi?” Hera asks. “That hasn’t happened in a while. I’m sure Ezra would be excited to meet you, once the loth-cats let you go.”

His ears are definitely burning now. Ben-Kylo doesn’t correct her about being a Jedi, and Hera seems content that the conversation is over and moves on.

Legs starting to burn from the strain Kylo-Ben moves from crouching to sitting, the floor clean enough that he doesn’t mind doing it. This prompts a few more of the loth-cats to return. He expects he won’t be getting up any time soon.

Which doesn’t bother him, outside of Ahsoka he doesn’t really know anyone here, and is content to keep to himself. Half-afraid he might let something slip and send the troopers into a panic about him being here when they’re supposed to be safe now. Better to stay with the cats who don’t care who he is.

One attempts to bite his fingers, and he flicks it gently with the Force. “No.” He flicks the next cat that does the same. Only for all of them to start doing it, making him realize he’s made some game for them. Loth-cats.

It’s more bemusing than truly angering however.

A low whistle sounds and the cats scatter, except the first one he’d petted, who’d now crawled into his lap. Paws kneading his stomach while it purred loud enough that he’s certain he’s vibrating at the same frequency. When he looks up to see who’d whistled, he’s met with the man he’d seen Ahsoka talking with earlier. Who promptly joins him on the floor.

“Ezra,” he says by way of greeting. The loth-cats return, crowding him, not that he seems bothered by it. “Be nice to have someone new to spar with, that is if you’re interested.”

These people are weird. “I don’t have a saber,” which isn’t a yes or a no, he knows.

“‘Soka says you do just fine with hers. You’re welcome to it, by the way.”

“What?” He blinks at the older man. There is a moment of surprised shock when he realizes Ezra can’t be much older than his mother, or uncle Luke. Guilt nips at his heels at the realization, however. Grief and regret having aged his family far more than it should have.

“The cat,” Ezra smiles. “We’ve certainly got enough here, and it likes you.”

Kylo-Ben-Ben looks down at the cat, which looks back up at him, face splitting wide in a toothy grin.

“‘Course that means you have to name it.”

He groans. “I can’t even think of my own name, and you expect me to name a cat?”

Scooping up two cats of his own, Ezra stands. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

-

Cold, he can’t recall a time he’d ever been this cold. It had been cold on Starkiller, but this was a cold far deeper than that.

It didn’t help that he’d refused the gloves Master Luke had offered. The duet thrumming at the base of his skull had been up, gloves would only make the climbing harder. He’s still climbing up, muttering to himself as he feels Master Luke, still far below, patiently waiting.

“A ripple starts the wave, a pebble starts the avalanche. It only takes one being to say ‘no more’, and I will do my best to be that being when it is needed most.” Over and over, not quite a Code, but the closest he’s come so far.

Finally the duet stops coming from above him and moves to the left, through a crevice the perfect size for a scavenger like him…

Oh

The exact same surprise echoes between him and Rey as they part.

“How?” She whispers as she inches her way over to the crevice.

All he can do is shrug. “How should I know? Ilum?” He remembers when Luke brought him and some of the other padawans here to find their crystals. The song he’d felt then nothing like the one Rey had.

Rey nods instead of answering, slipping into the crack. “Space, why is it so cold?” She turns her head to smile at him though. “I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to do this on my own though, so shoo.”

He nods back, knowing she’s telling the truth. “Good luck,” he’s sad he won’t get to wish Finn the same.

Not quite knowing what to do he thinks of himself, in all his jagged strangeness, hoping that will be enough to return him to his own body.

-

With a shaky breath he wakes up. His head aches and he feels...stretched thin. Thinner than Corellian taffy, he huffs.

He doesn’t even have to open himself to the Force to try and see if Ahsoka is awake. He’s already as open as he can be. Lothal is bright and warm around him, shot through with faint shadows; Ahsoka and Ezra almost twin flames.

He finds them sitting outside. Not the cantina, but a nearby house that Ben, or Kylo, would have called farm-like. Above all of them stars shine bright, helping him spot his way. When he sits Ezra offers him a bottle.

“Are you alright?” Ahsoka’s voice floats through the soft darkness. “I felt something through the Force.”

Ben-Ben-Kylo takes a swig, the fruitiness of the drink almost covering up the faint burn of alcohol—certainly tasted better than the stuff the Resistance pilots made. “I...I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “I thought it was a dream, but I was...with Rey? One of my partners, she’s training to be a Jedi,” he clarifies for Ezra. “She was on Ilum, crystal hunting. I thought I was her, until we both realized we were separate, then...I woke up.” Despite knowing too much distance was between them, he finds himself reaching out for Rey, hoping to feel a spark of her sunlight signature.

His heart stutters when he does.

Furrowing his brow he hunts through the lessons Luke taught him—nothing he’d learned from Snoke would provide the answers he sought. “Force Bonds? But I thought those were…”

“Rare?” Ahsoka provides.

“I didn’t even know those were really a thing,” Ezra adds bemusedly. “I knew there was a bond between teacher and student, but I didn’t know others could be created.”

Ahsoka shrugs. “People can make them,” is all she says.

“My uncle said the Force made them, connecting people.” Had the Force connected him and Rey, for some reason neither of them knew? Or had they made the connection themselves? In either case, why had it taken so long for them to realize? “Or at least it could make a bond deeper than the one a teacher and student had.” Not that Luke had created the latter with the padawans who’d been at his academy. One person connected to that many children and teenagers sounded awful.

His comments earn him a snort from Ahsoka. When he looks at her in askance she straightens. “The Force can’t create bonds,” her tone takes on the one he associates with lessons. “It’s an ocean,  alive only by virtue of the beings that live inside it. It has no will, no intentions. It is, and it is only what we do with it that makes us, and it, good or bad. Just as any other action. It certainly isn’t conscious enough to think to connect two people.”

He frowns a little. “Then why ‘as the Force wills it?’” He’s not saying it to be contrary. But it’s certainly a phrase he’s heard often; mostly from his uncle Luke, a few times from his mother—but never since he came back.

Asoka, thankfully, doesn’t seem to mind the question. “The beings that live inside it. Some are so deeply entwined with the Force that they can make their will manifest. I’ve had the misfortune to meet four of them in my life.” Her blue eyes grow distant for a moment. “They have plots and ideas of how the universe should be, and the power to try and make it so. They are the ‘will of the Force’ as you say. But for the most part there is only us, and the vastness of the Force. All things within being as they are.” She makes a face. “It was one of them who directed me to you, and I’m sure he’ll want to meet you some time. But for the most part one should try to avoid them.”

Her words resonate inside him, little things falling into place. That perhaps he’s met one too, and been under his thumb for most of his life.

“She’s right about the Force beings,” Ezra says. “But the Force is alive, just like planets are,” something about his tone suggests they’ve had this argument before, and would continue to have it. “It’s just so vast and deep that any sentient being couldn’t comprehend it.

“But it’s there, alive and connecting everything together. Good and evil and every shade in between.” Ezra’s own blue eyes seem to glow with the passion in his words. “Being able to use the Force doesn’t make us special, or important, it just means we have another choice to make. A talent that ties us deeper into the galaxy. To try and cut yourself off from the people and places you’re connected to?” He shudders. “My Master called himself a Jedi, and I do too. But I can’t imagine being like the Jedi of old. Lothal is my home, my family are...well, my family. I’m better for having both in my life.”

A smile crosses Ben’s face despite himself. A warmth settles in his lap and he looks down to see his...cat settling in, the cat turns her head and begins to purr. Ben-Kylo beings to pet it. “You and my uncle would get along I think.” Saying that out loud makes him frown again, however. A question he didn’t expect rising from his mind. “My uncle said when he was building his academy he sent a call through the Force, hoping to find other Force users. You’re both so powerful you must have heard it. Why didn’t you respond?” What would Ben’s life have been like if he’d had the likes of Ahsoka and Ezra as possible teachers, and not just his uncle? Where there other Force users who he would have been drawn to?

Letting out a laugh Ahsoka shakes her head. “I think it was benign, but I knew it was a trap. Luke Skywalker? I knew Anakin, he might not have liked the rules of the Order, but he followed them. Having children?” She shakes her head again. “Not him.”

There is...a disconnect in Ben and Kylo’s head, it’s a delightful sort of relief that it doesn’t stem from his own identity problems. But because the woman he’d been learning from the past few months knew his grandfather?

Not enough though, if she didn’t know.

And here he’d thought Kylo’s obsession with his grandfather would prove useless after he’d left Snoke.

“He…” He makes a sound that isn’t a laugh. “He married Padme at the beginning of the Clone Wars. My mother and uncle weren’t...conceived until much later, but she’s part of why he turned to the Sith. When they were born, Obi-Wan separated them. My mother went to Alderaan, my uncle to Tatooine. Luke Skywalker is Anakin’s son, he’s the reason Anakin turned to the Light at the battle of Endor.”

Ahsoka stills. But Ezra tilts his head, curious. “Who’s your mom?”

“Leia Organa,” he answers plainly. “I was born Ben Organa-Solo.” He takes another swig from the bottle, because pfassk, does he need it.

Seconds pass, and Ben-Kylo can feel the tension in the air, and in the Force. Finally Ahsoka stands, walking off towards the empty plains. When she vanishes from sight, a sound more fitting of a mynock comes from her direction. Ahsoka reappears a few heartbeats later, all but stomping back towards them. “I kriffing swear, I’m going to find my old Master and strangle him. Ugh! I know I was young, but how could I have missed it? How did Kenobi? Stars.” She throws herself into the spot she’d vacated.

It was Kylo’s turn to be disbelieving. “You were my grandfather’s Padawan?” He’d read mentions of one while he was digging up his grandfather’s past, but they hadn’t been named. Another drink, then he hands the bottle over to Ahsoka, because she clearly needs it as much as he does.

“I met your mom once,” Ezra butts in.  “She was...certainly something.” He gives a small shake of his head, smiling all the while. “I almost felt a little bad for the Imps.”

Ahsoka tosses back the rest of the bottle. “Karabast,” that’s certainly a curse Kylo’s never heard before. “The whole blasted galaxy and we meet? And yes, I was, for most of the Clone Wars. Some of the clones joked I was Kenobi’s padawan too, since he and Anakin were rarely apart.” Fondness and grief tangles inside her.

“See.” Ezra nudges her. “The Force moves in mysterious ways.”

“Oh, switch off, Wren.”

-

“Show me that Force hold again.” Ezra rolls his shoulders as he puts away his saber.

Kylo sighs, putting away Ahsoka’s. On the sidelines Porkchop—no one’d said he had to give his loth-cat a good name—bats around a loose power core. He’s half certain that if Ahsoka, Hera, or that cranky astromech try to take it, they’ll have a fight on their hands. “It’s not exactly a Light power.”

“And sometimes I’m not exactly a good person,” Ezra replies easily. “Doesn’t make it not useful. Especially since you managed to hold it so long.”

“Alright.” He can feel the tips of his ears burning. It’d been one of the first abilities Ren had taught him, and it was one of the few things young Kylo had excelled at. He certainly didn’t think there was anything impressive about it. There were other Knights who’d been better at it.

Rolling his shoulders he reaches out in the Force. It’d been easier to do when he was with the First Order, when anger had been a constant companion and the discord inside him had only spun it higher. “Shoot me,” he tells Ezra.

The other man doesn’t even question it. Pulling out the blaster on his hip in a flash and firing.

Kylo catches it. Even so he can feel the thrum of all that energy course through him, definitely easier before. People were easier, turning how their body worked against them. Blaster bolts were nearly all energy. He manages it though, the red bolt vibrating and desperate to move in it’s own way.

“How many could you do at once?” Ezra approaches the bolt, inspecting it physically and with the Force.

Kylo shrugs. “I don’t know, never had to find out. I’ve stopped laser cannons though.” At the time it’d been a dark delight to feel Poe’s frustration.

“Can it be broken? When you’re holding a person, that is?”

Turning his head Kylo makes sure the bolt isn’t aimed at anything too valuable. Then lets it go, the bolt flying over his shoulder to hit a tree branch. “Not that I know of.”

Ezra grins. “Let’s find out.”

-

Kylo’s body feels sore. With a groan he collapses onto the bed in the guest room. Porkchop joins him a few seconds later, crawling onto his back and settling in. “Loaf,” he mutters.

Porkchop just purrs.

A chime catches Kylo’s attention, distracting him from everything he an Ezra had worked out, and his heart picks up as he realizes it’s the binary. The Force his it in his head in a second, and he eagerly clicks it on. “Rey?” Maybe she and Finn have built their lightsabers by now—the Force bond, if it is that, certainly hasn’t been...active since that not-dream.

“Sorry, taffy,” Rose’s voice crackles through the comm. “Just me. Rey and Finn are still on their Jedi expedition thingy, and Poe’s on that supplies run. Rey gave me the binary to keep safe. Hope you don’t mind?”

Oh. He exhales as his heart begins to calm. “No, I don’t mind.” A part of him isn’t happy about it—why hadn’t Rey kept it on her?—but he’s no in control of her choices. That she’d given it to Rose just shows how close they are. “Just surprised.”

“I have that effect on people,” Rose replies, sounding lofty. “It’s my greatest asset.” He finds himself smiling. “Hey, so...I guess there isn’t ever a right time or place, but I’m pretty sure you should know. I’m with Finn, and I know you already know that, and he’s great and amazing; and I’m pretty sure I’m a little in love with him. But...I’ve also kind of kissed Rey a few times,” she says all in a rush.

A strangled sound leaves him in place of an actual response.

“She’s just...so…”

“I know,” he replies with a mangled groan. Rey is bright and curious and eager to learn what others might teach her. Porkchop settles deeper onto Ben-Kylo-Ben’s back. “It’s...okay.” He doesn’t even feel a flicker of jealousy. He really is just surprised.

Rose’s laugh is relieved, and yet tense. “Good. Um, I swear the next conversation we have I won’t spill my emotional mess onto you.”

Ben laughs. “It really is okay, Rose. I don’t mind. I’m glad you’re all happy.” Now there’s a flicker of jealousy, because he’s not there to experience it. To see it and float within it.

“We are,” she agrees. “But I know we’d all probably be happier if you were back.”

The jealousy doesn’t disappear, but it is overwhelmed by the warmth her words bring. Reaching behind him, he finds himself toying with the braid Poe had given him. Porkchop makes an interested sound and bats at it.

“Thank you,” he croaks.

“Pretty sure you shouldn’t be thanking me for the truth,” Rose answers. “I’ll try to remember to have someone else comm you when they get back. Until then, you look after yourself. Alright, taffy?”

“I will.”

-

He and Ahsoka left Lothal a few cycles ago now. They’re clearly travelling somewhere, but he hasn’t had it in him to ask where. Unsure if he wants to know if it’s another ‘job’ or something else.

At least he’s started to get used to the shudder of the Liberator as it drops from hyperspace.

The planet they’ve reached doesn’t look like much from this high up. The readout isn’t much help either, seeming to be confused about where they are. He frowns at it, not liking that one bit. “Where are we?” He finally asks.

“Atollan,” Ahsoka responds as she begins to bring them into atmo.

The closer they get to the surface, the more he sees strange and elaborate formations—they look like they’re rock, but he doesn’t know any wind that could shape the rocks to look like that. “Does anyone live here?” He doesn’t see any signs of habitation, though as they’re flying he does see wreckage, old Imperial wreckage too. He’s fairly certain if Rey were here she’d be excited over the prospect.

“No people,” she answers as they begin to land. “But one of those Force beings we talked about the other week does. Bendu wanted to finally meet you, and he’s pretty much the least worst.” What a ringing endorsement.

Granted if he’s right about Snoke, well, then meeting the ‘least worst’ might not be so awful. “If you’re not a big fan, why are we here?”

She makes a tired sound. “Bendu’s persistent when he wants to be, and honestly I understand him better than I understood Daughter or Father, let alone Son. Which isn’t to say he thinks like most sentients, but he doesn’t feel as unknowable.” He follows her as she heads out. “Just, be careful. Alright, Stranger?”

“Alright.” Although he doesn’t know how well he can keep that promise. Diplomacy, or fast talking, were never really his strong suits—following in his mother’s footsteps had never really been an option.

The air is dry, but breathable. And as they walk he can feel something following them. “Is that Bendu?”

Ahsoka shakes her head as she leads them into a ravine. “The Rebels who were stationed here called them spiders. Considering this is a lost planet I doubt any scientist has ever come out to study them and give them a better name. Just don’t be afraid and they won’t attack.”

Well that’s a relief. Granted, he’s not afraid, wary definitely, but ultimately curious.

The ravine opens up, more of those strange looking rocks filling the space. He does feel a spark of fear when what he’d thought was a rock formation moves. Seeming to reconfigure itself into... something. The fear fades though as his mind tries to figure out what the creature is. Nevermind the feel of it through the Force, consuming and exuding in equal parts, and almost blinding to look at. It’s not like being in Snoke’s presence at all, and yet it also is.

“Hello, Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi Knight. Ah, and you’ve brought your young Skywalker, too. Good.” The voice is booming and resonant, fitting for the whole. A face that looks more animal than sentient moves closer to him, milky eyes seeming to take in every sliver of him.

“I’m not a Skywalker,” Kylo-Ben-Kylo-himself answers testily.

“Hello, Bendu. What is it you wanted?”

A part of him dislikes that Ahsoka is so relaxed. He’s not afraid, but he is more tense. Half-expecting this to be some sort of trick, and that Snoke would appear and sink his metaphorical claws into him again.

“No, Snoke will not come here, young Skywalker, though I see now that you are perhaps not one yet. And he needs a saber and Test of his own, does he not, Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi Knight?” Bendu...smiles. “You have already faced a trial of Darkness on Dagobah, so shall your test your mettle against the Light, young Skywalker?”

Part of him wants to protest that this is too much too fast, on top of the fact that Bendu keeps calling him Skywalker. That Bendu knows about his ‘test’ on Dagobah is also worrying. Yet, he also knows that he does need a saber of his own, and yes, a test of how he’s changed as a person. Though he didn’t know there were Light places like that.

“Pockets of Light and Dark exist everywhere, one just needs to know where to find them. For I, Bendu, who sits in the middle, both are easy to find, or perhaps create.” Bendu steps aside, revealing the opening to a cave, or tunnel of some sort. “Can you hear it, singing to you? Will you seek it out and find out how the Light judges you?”

That...he takes a breath, two. He looks at Ahsoka, who shrugs. “I can’t make this choice for you, Stranger.”

Turning back to the cave entrance he opens himself up further to the Force, seeing if he does hear the singing of a crystal.

It is there. Though it’s so very quiet, a whisper of a song more than anything. Yet it’s a song he somehow knows all too well. Without thought he begins to follow it, wanting to find the source, and feel it settle into him.

Despite this place supposedly being one of Light, it’s dark when he goes into the cave. He can hear those spider things chittering and moving around, but the song is more important. Though that importance falls to the wayside when he finds his path blocked by a human man. A bald one, with dark skin and Jedi robes, who is a little transparent and clearly not breathing. A Force ghost.

The man looks him over, assessingly. “So you seek Vaapad, then?”

Does he? It’s clearly tied more to the Dark than the other Forms he’d learned, but he doesn’t know if that is a good thing for him, or a bad. He can only trust himself, as tenuous a ‘himself’ there is, and hope that if he begins to tread to deeply into the Dark, that those that love him will do their best to pull him back out. “Yes.”

“Then this is your first lesson: emotions will not make you Fall, letting them rule you will.” Then the ghost is gone.

Weak, but bitter, laughter leaves Ben-Kylo-Ben. Where was that lesson fifteen years ago, when he perhaps needed it most? Yet he finds he’s not truly angry, the emotion a whisper only a little louder than the song luring him deeper.

He continues on, but between one step and the next he’s no longer in the tunnel, but in a small hut. One he knows all too well.

He’s inside it, and then he is his younger self, asleep but restless with troubling dreams, until…

Ben’s eyes shoot open, the last vestiges of sleep disappearing in a flash as he sees his uncle above him, lightsaber ignited.

There is no thinking, only action. Yet the older part of him can see the moment fear turns into shame in his uncle, while Ben only clashes his saber with Luke’s. Desperately reaching out with the Force, enough to collapse the whole hut on top of both of them.

Ben escapes, the hilt of his lightsaber held listlessly in his hand as he steps towards the Academy. Ben-Kylo-Ben tries to pull himself away, to escape what he knows is coming, but whatever put him in this vision isn’t letting him out, not yet. As much as he wants to escape he also knows why the Light trapped him here, wanting him to face his greatest crime.

Yet, yet, yet Ben only stops. Heart racing in his chest and mind still full of panic and fear. His uncle tried to kill him, and was now...unconscious, damn. Ben took another step towards the Academy, the other students, he had to warn them, get them away from the Darkness that had clearly consumed his uncle.

Another step.

Electricity crackles in his teeth, throwing him back. Pushing himself upright he gapes as he sees that the Academy is on fire. What, what happened? Kylo wants to know that too, this, this isn’t what he remembers at all. There had been a fire, yes, but screams too, the crackling pain in his heart and his kyber crystal as the other students had died. Died because of him. 

“Ben?” His heart crawls into his throat at Hennix’s voice.

He can sense the panic and fear from the others too. “What happened?” He can feel Voe take a step closer to him and the still raging fire. “What did you do?”

Anger roars in him, what made them think he had anything to do with this? Why were they blaming him when his uncle had just tried to murder him?

Once more there is no thought. Ben ignites his saber and whirls on his three fellow Padawans. Tai’s the first to react, but that doesn’t mean much with the anger and Darkness inside Ben.

Yet when the battle ends they’re still not dead, only defeated. Ben runs, and Kylo feels as if he’s holding onto himself by fingertips. Had his memory lied? Was this the truth? Or something else? Ben reaches the Grimtaash, and his body goes on autopilot, warming up the engine while his mind is a maelstrom of grief, anger, and confusion.

He’s halfway through the atmo before he realizes the others are following him. Kriff, they were clearly as bad as uncle Luke was.

Yet even still Kylo is lost in the disconnect that Ben doesn’t kill them, only shoots out their ship, leaving them trapped, but definitely alive.

Ben doesn’t know where he’s going, but he knows he has to get away. Desperation and fear join in the chaos of his mind. Snoke? There was still someone who cared about him, right? Who wouldn’t abandon him.

I am here, Ben.

A desperate sound leaves Ben at the soothing voice, at the relief it fills him with. All of what happened leaves him in a rush. I never...I didn’t want this. Desperation fills him, wanting, needing Snoke to understand. He didn’t want his uncle dead, didn’t want the students dead either, he’d only wanted…

I know, Ben. Snoke’s voice overwhelms Ben’s thoughts. And you did not choose it, Ben. The Jedi did. Skywalker, your uncle. The words are clearly meant to soothe, to comfort, and Ben reacts them them accordingly. But Kylo can feel the darkness seeped into them, how it moves into Ben. He feared your power, feared it so much he tried to kill you, Snoke fills this with the horror most would; Kylo can taste the falseness of it.

Ben knows, yet his heart still aches. But the other students, there was a fire…

Yes, Snoke interrupts sounding almost cruel, you told me that already. Your uncle will think you did it, that you’re the one who killed them. He is beyond reason, after all. There’s no point trying to go back to tell him otherwise, he wouldn’t believe you anyways, as afraid as he is. Snoke murmurs.

As desperate as he is for someone to understand him, Ben is helpless before the unknown onslaught, of Snoke’s manipulation.

Is that why Kylo’s memory was what it was? Snoke had already manipulated so much of Ben’s life, what were a few false memories? All the better to drive the conflict within Kylo Ren. Achingly the-Kylo-Ben-of-now wonders if his uncle would believe him if he told him.

Come to me, Ben, Snoke cajoles. It is time for us to meet.

Yes, Snoke. Ben sniffles, trying to compose himself as the connection fades. Yet a Ben stares out into the vast darkness between the stars that was open space, the loss swamps him. Unwanted tears falling.

Kylo-Ben finds himself seperating from his younger self, yet he moves closer instead of retreating. Wrapping unfelt arms around this poor, broken, boy he’d once been. “It will be the worst years of your life,” he murmurs, beginning to cry himself. “He will do so much to you, but you will make it out. Not that you will recognize yourself. You’ll come out the other side scarred, and so very damaged, barely unable to even trust yourself. But you endured, you survived, Ben Solo.” He squeezes tight. “It’s not a comfort now, or even in the aftermath, but it is something to be proud of.” He kisses the top of Ben’s head, everything dissolving into Light and sinking into him.

The song of the crystal is still a quiet whisper, but Ben-Kylo can somehow hear it better, like a comm tuned to the right frequency. The cave system doesn’t seem half as dark as it had been before, and a sort of mournful joy fills up the cracks inside him as he continues deeper.

He can tell he’s getting closer, but again he finds someone standing in the way. Not the ghost from before—Windu? He’d have to ask Ahsoka—but himself.

Kylo Ren in all his dark glory.

There is barely a breath before Kylo attacks, the baleful light of their saber casting the tunnel in sharp relief.

Ben dodges easily, with no saber of his own it’s all he can do. That and hopefully get close enough to land a physical hit. Despite the situation he finds himself biting back a laugh as he realizes he’s fallen back onto Soresu; Ahsoka would be proud, he’s sure.

“I don’t know what you find so funny,” it had been strange to hear his younger self, stranger still to hear this. It still hadn’t been a standard year yet since he’d fled the First Order, and yet he’d grown so used to his own voice again. “When you’re a coward who won’t even attack.”

Ben stills, not because the words anger him, but because they spark something inside him. The saber moves to rest against his throat, the heat of it scorching, the thrum rattling his bones.

“Ready to finally fight? Or are you giving up?”

Ben’d worn the mask so often he knew where the true eyeline of it was, meaning he can meet the eyes of his other self. “Neither,” he answers, calm washing over him. “Fighting myself is what got me into this whole kriffing mess in the first place. When Snoke took me in I tried to fight the Light in me, and I nearly killed my father because of it. As a child I fought the Darkness,” he lets out a bark of laughter. “I guess I’ve been fighting the Darkness these past few months too, haven’t I? Thought it was for a good reason.” He shakes his head. “Not anymore.”

Taking a deep breath Ben holds out his hand, the gold and sapphire of his mother’s ring glittering. “I need you,” he tells Kylo Ren. “I am the Light, and you are the Dark, we can’t be whole without the other. Without the whole there can’t be the Balance, the peace, we’ve always sought.” Even if they won’t have a name, they will at least know who they are. 

The heat and thrum of the lightsaber disappears, the red light vanishing into blackness. Yet Ben can still see well enough to catch the sheen of leather as it reaches for his own hand. Leather touches flesh and…

He breathes.

The cave reforms around him again, and he flexes his fingers, the leather gloves he’s now wearing feeling right after having gone without for so long—that they fit even over the ring is mildly impressive.

Darkness and Light settle into him, neither twilight or dawn. The rightness of it strange after having been so jagged and rough for so long.

Confidently he strides towards the whisper of a song, it coming even more clearly to him now.

The cave he enters isn’t a large one, his head scrapes the ceiling, and if he reached out both his arms he would touch the sides. But there in the darkness, lit by a beam of light, is the kyber crystal that had called to him.

Picking it up he’s surprised at how the light shines through the crystal, he didn’t know they could be clear, though that might not be the case once he attunes it to himself.

Settling into a meditative pose he closes his eyes and focuses. Last time there had been Snoke’s voice in his head, driving his agitation and frustration. Making the hairline crack Kylo had later widened to make his crystal so unstable.

Now there is only himself. “The crystal is the heart of the blade,” he says aloud. The cave and tunnels echo with his voice, turning it into not one, but a hundred Bens and Kylos. “The heart is the crystal of myself.” That bit would need a bit of work. Inside him Dark and Light flow, from him to the crystal and back. “I am the crystal of the Force. The Force is the blade of the heart.

“All are intertwined.” The soft song of the crystal fills him as he fills it with himself. His voice picking up the tune. “The crystal, the blade, myself, the Force. We are one.”

A pulse in the Force, and they are one. He doesn’t know if it’s an ocean, a web, the tension between all things, or lights and shadows, but it is in him and he is with it.

But only for a moment.

Ben-who-is-Kylo-who-is-Ben exhales, and he is only himself. He wraps a hand around the crystal before looking at it, he wants to see it outside.

Making his way out of the cave system is easier than getting it had been, and when he steps into the morning air it tastes fresher somehow.

He sees Bendu out of the corner of his eye, but his focus is on his hand. The leather creaks faintly as he uncurls his fingers, revealing a still-transparent crystal. It looks black against his palm, but as he moves it between his fingers and holds it up to the rising sun he sees that it’s purple.

“Well done.” Bendu comes to a stop in front of him. “I do believe that Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi Knight, left you a box of parts for the saber.” An antler? tilts in the direction.

Ben-Kylo nods. Excited to start. “Was what I saw in there real?” He needs to know.

Bendu moves with him. “As real as you or I, or this planet we stand on,” the creature replies. “Though there are some who would argue nothing is real. Bah.” Bendu settles. “Everything is real in it’s own way. But we have not met to speak philosophy. We have met to speak of you and your destiny.”

Kylo-Ben snorts as he begins to sort through the parts, picking out what feels right. “I have no destiny,” before that realization would have filled him with bitterness. Now it is only a fact. A fact that freed him.

“Perhaps not,” Bendu agrees. “Your grandfather fulfilled his destiny by destroying the Jedi Order, your uncle fulfilled his by not giving into power, thus ending the Sith. Why should it not be your destiny, Skywalker Ren, to show that there is not just Dark and Light, but the twilight and dawn in between? There have been many who follow the supposed path of Ashran or Bogan, but rarely the Bendu.”

“Hmm?” He is paying attention to Bendu’s words, but they’re distant to the saber. With the Force he lifts the pieces he’s chosen and begins to piece them together. An echo ripples through him, so that it’s not just his hands, but Rey’s too, moving in concert as they build their sabers.

“Ha. But now there are no Sith, no Jedi Order. Perhaps now the Tree of the Force will flourish as it has always meant to. Hundreds of roots sinking deep into the dark, hundreds of branches reaching up to the light. And the trunk in between, supporting and benefiting from both. As it was meant to be.”

That sounds right, Ben is sure his parents and uncle would like him to be wholly Light, but he can’t be. The Darkness had sunk too deep into him to ever truly be gone. He’s not even sure he’d want it to be if he had the choice. “You keep calling me Skywalker, why?” Perhaps that was the question he should have asked the first time. Despite asking he focuses harder on his saber, not wanting to invert the emitter matrix. Rey’s having a different time of it doing it all by hand—why is beyond him.

“So self-centered, to think it only your bloodline,” Bendu booms, though there’s no true anger in his voice. “There were Skywalkers long before your great grandmother’s master decided his slaves would be happier with last names, and there will be Skywalkers long after your bloodline has died out. But perhaps for you, it only means one who walks in the darkness between stars, knowing that even if you cannot see them, there are stars around you. You have already even met another Skywalker such as yourself, though neither of you knew it.”

The last part of his saber clicks into place, on another world he can feel Rey’s echoing joy at the job done. He rises, finding himself pulling away from Rey as he ignites his saber for the first time—he wants her to see it in person, just like he wants his first time seeing hers to be in person too.

It’s whisper quiet, the purple blade almost as transparent as the crystal itself had been.

Without thought he settles into the first stance of Shii-Cho. The Force singing inside him as he works through the Forms.

-

When he finishes the last stance of Niman, he finds Ahsoka watching. The Force shows she’s curious, but also desperately worried about something.

He flicks off the saber and hooks it to his belt, the weight familiar and comforting. “What’s wrong?” It doesn’t surprise him that Bendu is nowhere to be found.

“I got a comm, there’s a Resistance mission that’s gone horribly wrong, and they need my, our help.” He thinks there might be more to it than that, but he realizes that’s all he needs to know. For now at least.

As they head back to the Liberator, a wave of tiredness swamps him. Ahsoka manages to catch him before he falls over. “Good thing it’ll take a bit to get there, you definitely need to be at your best for this.”

Yes, this will be his first real encounter with the First Order since leaving, but at least he’s sure of himself. He doesn’t protest when she supports him the rest of the way to the ship, dropping him off in his bunk before heading to the cockpit. He manages enough strength to half-undress before falling into his bed. Porkchop joins him only a heartbeat later, her head pressing itself into the space beneath his own as she settles against him and begins to purr.

-

He doesn’t know how much later it is when he wakes, but he can still feel the thrum of hyperspace around them. Climbing out of the bunk without waking Porkchop is a trial in and of itself, but he manages. Dressing—and wishing he’d kept some of his old armor—before scooping Porkchop up and heading to the cockpit.

“We’ll be dropping out of Hyperspace soon,” Ahsoka greets. “Do you know Abrax VI?”

Kylo nods. One of the planets at the heart of the territory the First Order had claimed for their own. He settles into the co-pilot seat and absently scratches Porkchop’s back. “What were the Resistance doing there?”

“It was supposed to be a simple theft,” she answers. “Supply ships all nice and loaded up and ripe for the picking thanks to a mole. Which pretty much fell apart faster than it should have. We’re meeting up with the Resistance members who escaped, and help them rescue their teammates. The ships are optional at this point. Hopefully all before the Knights of Ren show up.”

Kylo nearly lets out a bark of laughter, of course he won’t only be facing off against the First Order, but his former Knights as well. “Why are they going there?” There had to be a reason, Snoke wouldn’t just send them to help the First Order mop up a failed attack. Snoke didn’t like to waste resources like that.

“The First Order caught the mole who set the whole thing up.” Ahsoka’s grip on the piloting console tightens. “He’s a Force user.”

Ah. “I was Kylo Ren,” Ben blurts out. Ahsoka deserved to know sooner, but she definitely deserves to know now. He waits, patiently, for her anger. Porkchop complains when he stops scratching her.

“I knew,” she replies.

Which takes out all the wind from him. “What?”

She turns and gives him a look worthy of his mother. “I saw the posters when we were on Naboo. I didn’t say anything because you’re not the first Force user to regret sinking so deep into the Darkness. And you’re clearly trying to do better, though you’re still far darker than I’m perhaps comfortable with.” There is a faint whisper of her fear, but he understands it.

He shrugs, not knowing how to respond to that. He’s not ashamed of what he is. “Oh.” As much as Porkchop complains his hands move to pull his hair back—he really should try and get it cut soon—so it won’t be in the way. Even through the leather of his gloves he can feel the braid Poe had given him, the love and intention of it soothing him.

“You were able to claim a kyber crystal without bleeding it, which I’m going to have to satisfy myself with,” Ahsoka continues.

Shuddering they drop out of hyperspace. Abrax VI wasn’t anything special to look at, although it was clear it was turning more and more into a factory planet; he finds himself tempted to even call it a dirtball at this point.

Somehow Ahsoka manages to avoid the TIE patrols, or being hailed by flight control. The former reminds him of who would have taught her to fly. Perhaps when they have time he can tease out of her more about his grandfather, what he was really like. He shakes that off though, now is not the time or place.

They don’t land in a docking bay, in fact they don’t even dock at all. Instead Ahsoka sets the ship to hover of a patch of slum, off in the distance Ren can see smoke from where the failed snatch and grab must have happened.

Jumping from the Liberator onto the nearest rooftop is easy, and he follows Ahsoka as she leads him towards where the Resistance hopefully is.

She knocks on a door, and whomever’s on the other side must recognize the knock, because it opens a few seconds later. A woman stands on the other side, her armor suggests Mandalorian, though it’s the most colorful besker he’s ever seen. “Ahsoka,” she sounds tired. Her dark eyes flick to him, but seem to accept that if he’s with Ahsoka he must be good.

“Sabine.” Ahsoka gives the woman a brief hug before continuing in. “This is Stranger, not much of a name, but that doesn’t make him useful.”

All Ren can do is huff at the teasing.

“Right now I’ll take just about anything,” Sabine responds. “Though I guess I can’t claim to have done more with less.” She leads them deeper into the house, towards a susurrus of voices.

Voices that fall quiet when they enter. Only to be broken by a familiar sounding chirrup, and without thought Ren finds himself bracing, a white and orange BB-8 unit running into him and still almost bowling him over. If she’s here…

Except BB starts chattering and his heart stills as he realizes that while Poe might have been part of the mission—he should have figured it out sooner, both Rey and Rose had mentioned it when they commed him—he’d clearly been one of the people captured. Pfassk.

“Alright,” Sabine’s voice breaks through his spiral. Which is good, he needs to focus on whatever plan they might have, and not on what the Order might be doing to Poe or any of the other Resistance they’d captured. “I know most of you probably don’t know Ahsoka Tano, or her friend…”

“We know him,” a man answers. Ren finds him easily, and now that he’s paying attention it’s easy to spot those that he’d tangentially known while with the Resistance. “General Organa’s son,” he almost makes it sound like a curse. “Caused a whole uproar when he upped and vanished,” the man says with only a little bitterness.

“Right now I don’t care if he stole your best girl at the cantina a decade ago,” Sabine tells the man. “I need all the help I can get, and one more Force user is not something I’m gonna turn my nose up at.”

“I’m sure my experience with the First Order will help too,” Ren finds himself adding dryly.

It earns him an arched eyebrow from Sabine, but she doesn’t ask him about it. “Here’s what we’re going to try to do…”

-

The plan is blessedly simple, which only means there are potentially fewer ways for it to fail spectacularly.

Ren should just be impressed they managed to find a First Order officer’s uniform in his size on such short notice.

“I hate not wearing my armor,” the woman walking alongside him, not Sabine, but her and Ezra’s daughter Kana, says. Despite not wearing her armor—which had been only slightly less colorful than her mother’s—she’d managed to hide away a surprising number of weapons on her in true Mandalorian fashion. Including a lightsaber—his own, and Ahsoka’s, sabers were also tucked away, and he finds himself eager to use his in a fight.

Behind the two of them, four Resistance members march in ‘trooper armor, and between them Sabine and Ahsoka walk in cuffs. The rest of the team would be waiting at the designated extraction spot, ready to provide cover. Easy, enough. He just has to hope there’s no officer gunning for a promotion and not quite caring how they got it.

Getting into the Detention Center is easy enough, they don’t exactly expect people breaking in. The least best part is handing Ahsoka and Sabine over for processing. The rest of them are left to their own devices—well, they were instructed to go back out and search for more Resistance, but after that no one pays them much mind.

One of the psudo-troopers sheds their armor when they find an out of the way dataport. Their face scrunches in concentration as they begin splicing. “They’re being kept isolated in block J,” they say absently. “Security’s tighter there, but I could probably trigger an alarm somewhere else to draw them away.”

“What about Jacen?” Kana’s voice is tense. Since he doesn’t recognize the name, Ren assumes Jacen is the mole.

“Interrogation,” is the answer they get after a few seconds. “We’ve also got incoming on those Knights.”

Kana lets out a string of Mando’a. “Trigger that false alarm,” she finally says. “You all join the rush and get the prisoner’s out.” She turns to him. “I’m gonna trust auntie ‘Soka knows what she’s talking about with you, and let you come with me. No way in Malachor I’m gonna face off against those kriffing Knights on my own.”

He nods, having expected about as much. Absently he wonders which ones Snoke would have sent. Ever since they’d truly ‘joined’ the First Order recruiting had fallen to the wayside. Granted Snoke had happily kept them apart, excepting when necessary. Vicul most likely, maybe Kuruk to pilot for the older man.

With purpose they begin walking towards the Interrogation center, Ren is starting to realize that acting like you belong there makes people not want to question it. Which felt like a flaw of the highest order, yet he felt no shame in taking advantage of it. Pfassk, the guards at the entrance to the Interrogation center don’t even question them going inside. Even more egregious with the alarm going off in the Detention Center.

The Force all but yells at him which cell Jacen is in. When they get there it’s easy enough to knock out the Interrogator, and disable the droid.

Jacen doesn’t look good, pale, green hair plastered to his skin, breathing ragged, and when Kana checks his eyes they’re dilated. “Jacen?” She smacks his cheeks lightly.

All she gets is a groan in response. “Pfassking kriff.” He feels that. If he were actually any good at Force healing he’d offer to help, but they probably don’t have the time either way.

“You carry him, I’ll watch our backs,” Ren instead offers. Deep inside him he feels the ripples of familiar Force signatures. He doesn’t mention it to Kana, it would only worry her more. “We’re not far from the extraction point.” Whatever that Resistance member had done apparently made it hard to turn the alarm off, it still blaring in the distance and hopefully making it less likely they’ll be noticed.

Reaching out with the Force he knocks out the guards at the entrance, grimly staring ahead and reaching for his lightsaber. Readying himself for what’s likely to come, he just hopes Kana doesn’t try to argue.

“I’m going to treasure this day, you Jedi spawn traitor.” Ushar’s vocalizer turns his deep voice into an almost sub-vocal bass.

Ushar is not who Ren was expecting, but it could have been worse. “Go,” he tells Kana. “I can hold him off. I’ll meet you at the extraction point.”

Without waiting for a response he turns, Ushar’s blocky frame doing its best to loom over him. Honestly, Ren’s more worried about the massive greatsword the other Knight is brandishing. “Ushar,” it seems only polite that he returns the greeting. “Disappointed you won’t get to tear up someone helpless?”

“Traitor,” Ushar spits again.

“If you’re just going to keep calling me that we might as well just get to the fight,” Ren’s pleased with how bored he sounds. With a breath he ignites his saber and settles into a ready position. The quiet of the saber settling into him. “Snoke should’ve sent Vicul, I at least always had to work to beat him.” 

Ushar howls, raising up his sword and charging.

Ren blocks with ease, gritting his teeth as Ushar’s weight and force tries to overwhelm him. He shifts his footing, saber moving to better deflect. Bafflingly Ushar doesn’t follow, his weight still pressing at what had been their join point; meaning that he stumbles forward when Ren’s own weight isn’t there.

Shifting again Ren goes for an attack, Ushar’s sword might be saber resistant, but not all of his armor is. 

Ushar manages to spin out of the way, using the action to make his next strike even more powerful.

With the Force’s help, Ren leaps out of the way, striking at Ushar from above, gouging out a chunk of the man’s helmet.

Another howl from Ushar, accompanied by a blast of Darkness meant to terrify and confuse.

“Ha!” Ren’s saber rises up to block it, the Darkness spreading around him and barely making a ripple inside him. He doesn’t give Ushar a chance to strike again, the Force singing through his body, pushing him faster. Again, Ushar doesn’t react like Ren expects, his sword moving as if to block Ren, not his saber.

Meaning his saber slips in between two plates, piercing the man’s arm. Ushar cries out, and something in Ren exults in it. But he can’t let himself linger on the small victory when he hasn’t even won yet.

Yanking his saber out he spins himself, and a heartbeat later Ushar’s head tumbles from his shoulder, the helmet making it roll until it hit a crate nearby. Disengaging his lightsaber, Ren finds he’s barely even breathing hard. Ushar had been easy to beat before, for him, but it’d never been that easy.

“When I first Saw this, I certainly wasn’t expecting the chain of events to go the way it did.”

Ren whirls, saber springing to life in his hands again. Ready to face off against whatever Pelot might throw at him.

She stands at ease, however, her axes nowhere to be seen. Ren knows that doesn’t mean much, her telekinesis was second to none, it would be easy for her to put him in a hold before summoning an axe to deal with him. Granted, she didn’t know he and Ezra had worked out a way to break a Force hold.

Yet as the seconds pass she continues to not attack him, making him feel a little foolish. Her skull like mask only watching him impassively as the actual meaning of her words beginning to register in his mind. “You saw this?” He knew the Force could grant visions, but seeing the future was something else entirely.

“I did,” her vocalizer makes her sound ragged and harsh, off-putting the longer you had to listen to her speak.

“You didn’t tell me?” Or Snoke it seemed. Her not telling him hurt a little more, she’d been the only Knight to join after he’d become their leader. It could be argued that out of all the Knights, she’d been the only one to choose to follow him.

“No,” not even her vocalizer can’t hide the clipped way she’s now speaking. “If I had told you, or Snoke, I would have been a Knight in name only. Snoke would keep me safe and coddled,” she spits. “I did not prove myself to be a woman after no one believed me, then escape my homeworld when I realized what my fate there would be, only to suffer a different variation of that same fate here.”

Surprising him completely she gracefully moves into a kneel. “But I am not here to share my history, Lord Ren.” The old title is jarring. Especially since he didn’t think any of the Knights would dare call him that after he had left. “I am here to hope you will forgive me my shame.”

He kills the lightsaber in his hands. “Shame?” Despite the conversation being wildly out of his control, there’s not the desperation he expects to gain control. Perhaps because he’s far too confused.

“We did not join you, when you left the Order,” she answers. “We are sworn to you, Lord Ren, not Snoke, not the First Order. Yet we stayed. I cannot speak for the others, but I was afraid. Afraid that if I tried to leave Snoke would have found out about my Second Sight.” Her mask gives nothing of her expression away, but he can guess it’s an angry one. “To let my fear rule me is my shame, it should not have mattered what would have happened. I should have followed after you, Lord Ren, a worthy leader such as yourself deserves nothing less.”

“I’m not your lord anymore.” It feels like faint protest however.

Pelot’s snort suggests she feels that way too. “You are,” she argues. “Ushar was willfully being ignorant when he called you Jedi scum. You may have left Snoke, but you are so clearly of the Shadow still.” She rises. “I will go back and tell the others of what I have seen, perhaps it will convince them we were all wrong.”

“They’ll kill you,” it escapes him without him meaning to. He finds himself loathed to throw away someone who he could call an ally however, who didn’t see the Darkness in him as an evil.

She snorts again. “They’ll try,” she replies. Her spin is fittingly dramatic as she begins to leave.

“Wait,” he calls out. Relieved that she stops. “If you do make it out, can you bring everyone’s helmets? Mine too, if you can find one.” He’d had a few extra, though he has no idea where they might be now. “Go to Lothal, Capitol City.” He hopes Ezra can forgive him for that.

If the strange request surprises her she doesn’t show it. “Alright. But if I do that, you have to introduce me to that cute Mandalorian girl.” Then she’s gone.

Ren would let himself be baffled by that later. Now, now he still has to escape. He does stop to take Ushar’s helmet though, sneering at the surprised expression on the old man’s face.

Not caring what attention he might draw to himself he runs right for the extraction point. Hopefully someone had decided to wait for him, and not written him off as a lost cause. He has to ignite his saber again as troopers start shooting at him. Deflecting them back is easy with the Darkness thrumming through him. That he manages to deflect them back as injuring, rather than killing, shots gratifying in a way.

“Stranger!” Ahsoka’s voice is a relief.

He yanks her sabers free and tosses them, trusting that she’d catch them. It feels good to fight beside her as they made their way towards where the Liberator is now hovering. Whomever is piloting isn’t doing a very good job of keeping it in place, but the boarding ramp had been lowered, and the Force made the jump hardly worth the effort.

“Go!” Ahsoka shouts. Her hand smacking the manual control for the ramp, and Ren just lets himself collapse into a corner. Darkness still pulsing inside of him.

A shudder means they’re going into hyperspace, and Ren finds himself aware enough to notice that he isn’t alone in the main bay. The Darkness inside him snarls when he realizes Poe isn’t among those on the ship.

He has to still be alive, he has to be. Ren-Ben-Ren-Ben couldn’t stand to be the one to tell the others, didn’t want grief to consume what happiness he’d had and turn it bitter. Losing Poe is unacceptable, just as much as losing any of the others would be.

Through whatever strange connection he and Rey shared—he should have asked Bendu about it—he can feel her question. But Ben walls her off, not wanting her to grieve before he knew what was the truth and what was his own panic.

Ben presses his thumb against his mother’s ring—love is more than a candle—hoping with his whole being that his panic and fear are nothing more than baseless claims by the Dark.

Ahsoka, and he can tell it’s Ahsoka now piloting and not whomever it was before, will be taking them to meet up with the other Resistance members. Poe could’ve been on another ship, maybe even one of the ones they were supposed to have taken in the first place. He didn’t see Sabine, or Kana and Jacen; and if anything had happened to them, he’s pretty sure he’d have picked it up off Ahsoka.

They drop out of hyperspace sooner than he expects them to. Soon he feels a shuddering of a different sort as they head into atmo.

Poe’s alive, Poe’s alive , becomes a mantra as the Liberator starts to land.

There are a few injured beings on the ship, and he has the sense to let them get off first to be rushed to the makeshift medicenter. He scans the hustle and bustle of sentients, but still doesn’t see Poe. Meaning he rushes to catch up with those heading for the medicenter.

Ren-Ben scans inside the makeshift building, his heart leaping into his throat as he sees Poe in the back, being looked over by a medi-droid. He’s sure more than a few of the medics will have strong words for his mother about his behavior, but right now he doesn’t care, as he makes his way to Poe.

Mine, the Darkness in him rumbles as he finally reaches Poe. Collapsing onto the man’s lap with a pained groan.

“Woah, hey, buddy.” Poe’s good arm wraps around him, while the medi-droid beeps in chastisement at Poe trying to move his bad arm too. “BB said you were here, didn’t quite believe her.”

Ben can only groan, something as complex as speech a little lost to him as he’s swamped with relief and the urge to have. Steal Poe away from all of this and make sure the other man never got hurt again.

Poe’s fingers bury themselves in Ben’s hair, pulling out the tie holding it back as they begin to pet him. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m good. Just a broken arm, nothing the droid here can’t fix.”

Ben knows that, but that doesn’t change what’s roaring through him. He is grateful for Poe’s soothing chatter though, it helps a little. But he can still only cling to Poe and breathe the man in. Distantly wishing the others were here to help anchor him too. Rey might be, thanks to however they’re connected, but it’s not the same as her physical presence.

They stay like that, for perhaps longer than Ben would like—the Darkness in him wanting release of a sort—until the droid speaks. “It will take another day for the arm to heal completely. Please do your best to not reinjure yourself in the meantime.” Then it’s moving on to the next patient.

“Come on,” Poe sounds as antsy as Ben feels. “Probably someone else who needs this spot more than we do.”

Ben is not going to argue. Not when it means they hurry out of the medicenter. They’re not even anywhere private before Ren is pinning Poe to the hull of a ship, mouth descending on the other man’s, desperate to consume.

He swallows up Poe’s noise of surprise, and finds himself being filled with warm satisfaction when Poe starts to return the kiss with equal fervor. One hand buries itself in Poe’s hair, the other tries to slip under Poe’s shirt, only for Poe to give a start. “What?” He sounds ragged and excited and desperate.

“Glove,” Poe pants back.

Right. He brings the hand up to his mouth, catching the leather between his teeth and tugging it off before just dropping it to the ground. Poe’s dark eyes watching every movement.

“Kriff.” Poe starts pulling Ren back down to him. “I don’t remember you being this confidently hot the last time I saw you.”

Ren finds he can’t help the smug chuckle that leaves him, Poe happily cutting it off with his own mouth. They’re both aching hard at this point and Ren finds himself slipping a knee between Poe’s own legs, needing them both to get closer to each other.

Only for a throat to clear right next to them.

Ben’s ears begin to burn as he turns to see Ahsoka, who looks more amused than anything. “I’m sure some people are enjoying the show, boys, but perhaps move it somewhere else.” She gives a pointed jerk of her head towards the Liberator only a few meters away. She pats Ben on the shoulder before walking off, which really just makes it worse.

“Come on,” Ben is the one leading Poe along this time. Thankfully the Liberator ’s empty, and Ben makes a mental note to actually pick up Ushar’s helmet later.

As much as he wants to have Poe under him, Poe’s injured so he falls onto his bed first, pulling the other man down with him.

“I think I could get used to this, you know.” Poe’s grin starts driving Ben to distraction and he pulls the other man down for more kissing. They both start shifting, trying to work out the best way to fit their bodies together, and he can feel Poe’s hand start to tug his shirt from his pants. It’s good and nice and Ben doesn’t really want it to end. A sound leaves him as he feels Poe palm his cock.

Only for them to be interrupted again. Porkchop yowling at being ignored so.

Poe doesn’t exactly recoil away from Ben, but he is clearly surprised. Pulling away enough to get a good look Porkchop, Ben has no choice but to look too, the damned loth-cat grinning up at the both of them.

“Hello, kitty.” Poe clearly doesn’t understand that Porkchop is just a distraction. Especially when Poe’s hand leaves Ben to hold out to the cat. “Nice kitty. You gotta name?”

“Porkchop,” Ben groans. “And she’s clearly a menace, with no respect for me.”

That grabs Poe’s attention. “She’s yours?”

Ben only nods. Someone he actually knew was bound to find out eventually.

“I can’t wait to tell the others you got a cat. ” Poe beams down at him before going in for another kiss, lips sliding down Ben’s throat in the most distracting manner…

Poe’s words though bring everything into sharp relief. The others. An unhappy groan leaves him as he gently pushes Poe away. “No, no more,” he grits out.

“Kriffing pfassk,” Poe groans against his shoulder. “Why not?”

Ben exhales, trying to make himself as calm as he can. “I...I want my first time with you, all of you.”

Poe pushes himself up with his good arm to stare down at him. “Oh stars,” Poe sounds both pleased and exasperated. “You kriffing romantic.”

Ben is fairly certain that someone as close to the Dark as he is shouldn’t be called a ‘romantic,’ but Poe also has a kriffing point. He shakes his head as a grin tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Anyways, we can’t have sex in front of the cat,” he replies loftily. Gesturing to Porkchop still watching them, waiting for her moment to pounce. “She’s innocent in this.”

“You…” Poe’s sputtering laughter is the best thing Ben-Ren’s heard this cycle. “You pfassking nerfherder.” Poe roll his eyes.

“Thank you.” Ben’s grin turns into a smirk. “I am my father’s son, after all.”

Poe makes a pained groan and before Ben knows it he’s fending off Poe trying to smother him with a pillow.