Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I’m the man in the box

Buried in my shit

Won’t you come and save me?”

“Did you hear me Mickey” Mandy’s voice sounded muffled though the buzzing in his ears and the thumping in his chest. He felt light headed and cold as if all the blood was draining from his body.

“I said Terry’s dead”.

He somehow found the ability to move his legs again and stumbled back into his bedroom and sat on the bed, his head between his legs, urging his lungs to breathe again and his head to stop spinning.

Mickey then jumped as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder and a body sit down next to his.

“Just breathe Mick” the soft voice said as the hand now rubbed gently on his upper back.

He wanted to shrug her hand away but he was still elsewhere, his mind and body still struggling to feel normal again. Well, at least as normal as they usually feel. It had been a while since he had felt like this so it took him a few minutes to recover.

“Here” Mandy said as she handed him a glass of water which he gulped down quickly.

“Fuck” he exhaled as he ran his hands down his face.

“You ok” his sister asked gently as she sat back down beside him but she kept her hands to herself, probably aware that he wouldn’t be so receptive to contact now that he was coming round.

“How did he….” he mumbled, his voice wobbly and quiet.

“Attacked the wrong guy in the showers apparently” Mandy replied dryly.

Mickey couldn’t help but laugh but it wasn’t because he was amused it was because he was consumed with bitterness and rage and a host of other complicated emotions in that moment.

 “How fucking ironic” he muttered as he stood up and walked out the door.

“Where are you going Mickey” Mandy called out but he kept walking.

----

He didn’t remember how he ended up here but he found himself swigging from a bottle of Jack in his old hide out, an abandoned building a few blocks away. He used to come here to let off steam, usually after Terry had beaten him again or worse, Terry had forced him to beat someone else.

He had his gun with him and fired off a few rounds but he wasn’t really aiming at anything in particular and laughed sardonically as he drank and tried to block out the barrage of images and memories that were flooding his brain.

“Fuck you Terry….piece of shit…..could’ve died years ago….nooooo….fucking had to ruin everything….should’ve killed you myself….”

He aimed at a target and imagined it was Terry before laughing and throwing the now empty bottle at it instead.

“Waste of fuckin bullets” he mumbled before trying to stand up.

He found himself back in the Milkovich house and dipping into a stash belonging to Iggy, coke he assumed, not that he cared much, he would snort or swallow anything if it helped numb his brain. Even now he’s still not sure if he intended to do it or if it was just his coked out brain making him feel invincible.

People tell him he’s lucky but he’s not so sure. He still thinks maybe he’s unlucky because surely lucky people shouldn’t feel like him, surely they should feel happy and shit, not like they have a dark cloud following them around waiting to rain down more misery.

----

“You’re fucking going Mickey” Mandy shouted with tears in her eyes.

His brothers Iggy and Colin stood next to her and he almost laughed at how serious they stood, as if they were bouncers or cops or something.

“You two gonna cuff me or some shit” he said to them with a dry laugh.

“If we have to Mick” Colin said evenly and it caused Mickey to gulp. Colin was the “quiet” Milkovich, he hardly ever spoke and certainly not on behalf of his siblings. His face, like the other siblings, was a mixture of concern and anger.

“The fuck” he whispered and he lowered his head, somehow feeling far less cocky.

Mandy took a step forward and attempted to touch him but he swatted her hand away.

“How could you do this to me Mandy” he asked, his voice sounding whiney and childlike.

“How could you do that to us Mickey” Mandy shouted, her ability to remain calm finally evaporating.

“Didn’t do nothing....was just fucking fooling around or whatever” he muttered but he didn’t even believe it himself, hence he lowered his eyes to the floor, unable to look at her.

“It wasn’t just this Mickey….the car wreck…the drinking…..the fighting….you need help or you’re gonna end up dead”.

Mickey cursed himself for feeling the threat of tears at the back of his eyes.

“Bro” Iggy started talking and it caused Mickey to look up in surprise “we fucking love you bro but we can’t watch this shit anymore”.

“Please Mick, it’s just for a month”.

----

His siblings dropped him off, probably afraid that if he called a cab he would go AWOL or something and they even watched him walk up the steps and open the main door.  He flipped them off with a scowl and took a deep breath as he shuffled reluctantly over to the reception desk.

“How can I help you Sir” the far too cheery blonde lady asked him.

“Uh checking in I guess, I dunno how this works, my sister arranged it all” he stuttered nervously.

“No problem, can I take your name and I’ll be able to help you out”

“Uh Mickey Milkovich”

The receptionist took a moment to search her files “Great, if you just take a seat I will notify your counsellor and they will be with you shortly”.

“My uh what” he asked sharply.

“Your dedicated counsellor, they will be looking after you while you stay with us” she answered so energetically Mickey wanted to pick something up and throw it in her direction.

He had no idea what was going on or what to expect and felt like he might vomit as he sat in the very expensive looking waiting area. He started to wonder how Mandy had found this place and subsequently how she could have possibly afforded it. This was like the Betty Ford clinic for nut jobs.

The building itself looked like a very large and very luxurious villa, with manicured gardens and tennis courts and inside the décor was modern and minimalistic. In fact Mickey felt like he shouldn’t even sit or touch anything in case he tarnished it. Jesus Christ he wondered how it had come to this.

“Mr Milkovich” he heard another cheery voice and looked up to see a tall pale figure with bright red hair, emerald green eyes and a face full of freckles.

“I’m Ian, I will be taking care of all your needs while you stay with us here at the Haven Clinic”.

As much as he thought he was attractive he knew instantly that this ginger asshole was going to get on his last nerve and it took everything in him to shake his hand instead of punching him and running back out the front door.

“Uh yeah, Mickey” he mumbled while thumbing his nose awkwardly.

“Look man I’ve no idea what I’m doing here or how any of this works, my sister’s just fucking hysterical and she organised it….whatever this is” he looked around and then up at the tall red head who just had the same delicate smile on his face.

“Well I can answer any questions you have and there will be a full brochure plus your itinerary available in your room” Ian gestured for Mickey to follow him and he somehow found himself doing just that.

“Itiner…what” he asked feeling like a complete idiot.

Ian let out a soft laugh and for a second Mickey wanted to knock him on his ass but then he saw him stop and look at Mickey right in the eyes and he knew he wasn’t mocking him, he was amused but not mocking.

“It’s a fancy way of saying plan or schedule….as part of your stay you will attend counselling of course but you have a choice of therapeutic classes and workshops to choose from also” Ian explained and his voice was annoyingly calm and gentle.

“Have no idea what any of that means…..is counselling like talking about your feelings and shit cos that’s a hard no from me”.

Ian laughed a little harder now and somehow it forced Mickey to smile slightly.

“Something funny freckles” he asked, feeling defensive but a little intrigued. He felt a sudden need to see if he could break Ian, push him, cause him to drop the Mr Professional act for even a moment.

“Mickey, can I call you Mickey” Ian asked as he took a step closer to him and locked eyes with him.

“Well you might as well seen as it’s my name Red” he replied while raising his eyebrow at him.

“I just find it amusing that you somehow think your South Side swagger is cute or special…..it’s not….you’re here because you’re human, like all of us….and like all of us you’re damaged, broken in some way….whatever you’re using to numb the pain….I’m guessing booze and drugs…..isn’t working…..and my job isn’t to fix you….I’m not a magician….I don’t fix people….I help them realise that they need to change….that they need to take care of themselves….and I give them the tools in order to do this…..in order to fight and survive….losing yourself in the bottom of a bottle isn’t surviving, it’s just killing yourself that bit slower….so I guess my question to you Mickey is are you a survivor or a pussy”.

He could feel Ian’s breath on his face and for a moment was too stunned to even say anything never mind think of a response. The red head simply turned and walked away in the direction they were previously heading and Mickey, for reasons he couldn’t explain, wandered off in that same direction.

“Not a fucking pussy” he muttered as he inexplicably followed Ian into some unknown hell.

----

He couldn’t deny that the room was pretty sweet, sure it was small but it was clean and tidy, the complete opposite of his room back home. “Home”, he laughed at the word. That house of horrors wasn’t a home, it was a prison, a hell hole. Even with Terry gone he couldn’t feel safe or comfortable there, there were too many reminders of the past and it was as though his entire being felt automatically oppressed or suffocated in that house.

“So this is your room for the next four weeks” Ian said in that same calm and even tone “all the information you need is over there, I’ll let you get settled in and then we can get to know each other before I talk you through what to expect ok”.

Mickey suddenly felt his pulse quicken and his breath hitch as it finally all hit him. Of course he had been in denial about everything but especially that he needed this level of intervention, until he had entered that unfamiliar and slightly clinical room he was able to convince himself that he was on vacation or at a spa. However now he started to panic as the realisation sank in, the realisation that he was in a Mental Health Facility that expected him to actually talk and participate and take action.

“I….fuck….I can’t do this” he stuttered as he attempted to turn around and flee but he stilled as he placed his hand on his chest feeling that familiar burn there. His legs felt like jelly and he started to feel dizzy again.

“Hey Mickey, look at me” Ian stood in front of him and locked eyes with him “that’s good, now listen to my voice ok, you’re safe here, it’s just your body’s reaction to stress, it will pass, your body is still breathing, just breath in and out for me ok”.

He felt Ian place his large hand on his chest as he exaggerated his breaths loudly in an attempt to get Mickey to follow them. His hand felt warm and comforting and Mickey couldn’t help but focus on it as he tried to get oxygen back in his lungs.

“That’s it, slow and steady Mickey” Ian whispered as they stood there breathing together.

Ian released his hand and he found it strangely unsettling as if he felt like he would fall if Ian didn’t keep his hand on him.

“Here, drink this” Ian said softly as he guided Mickey back onto the bed to sit down. He felt the bed dip next to him and realised Ian was sitting next to him.

Mickey felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment and shame at what he viewed as a display of weakness. Milkovich men didn’t crumble like this and they certainly didn’t allow other men to comfort them. He rubbed at his eyes, the threat of wetness behind them and internally cursed himself for acting like such a pussy in front of Ian.

“I’m fine” he mumbled as he stood up abruptly, attempting to put some distance between the two of them.

“Mickey” Ian said softly again and it irked him, he didn’t need his sympathy or pity “you’re not fine, that’s why you’re here….”

He cut Ian off, feeling the need to defend himself “fuck you…..you don’t know anything about me….I’m here because my siblings are assholes who can’t mind their own business”.

Ian stood and somehow when he stood before Mickey he was acutely aware of how tall and broad he was, he was powerful and imposing but not in an aggressive way that one might expect.

 He didn’t feel like shrinking out of fear or raising his fists in defence like he usually would, it was as though his body knew instinctively not to perceive Ian as a threat. Instead his presence seemed to still his mind and his body, his form seemed to embrace him or comfort him instead of making him feel small or vulnerable like other men of Ian’s stature would.

“I know that your family, Mandy and Iggy and Colin love you and care for you, so much that they are extremely concerned for your wellbeing….”

Mickey scoffed and rolled his eyes but Ian didn’t even blink as he continued “You’re right though, I don’t know you, not like they do but I’d like to get to know you, I’d like to try and help you so that what just happened here doesn’t take over your life. Believe it or not Mickey you’re not the only person who deals with shit like this, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re weak, it just means you’re human like the rest of us. We all deal with things in different ways and sometimes those ways aren’t healthy. If you’re sick, say with the flu or a cold you take care of yourself right” Ian paused and searched his eyes as if he was asking for an answer so Mickey just nodded “exactly, when were sick we take care of ourselves because it’s out natural instinct, we rest or drink tea or eat fucking chicken soup or whatever” Ian laughed lightly and spoke so casually to him that he felt his lips turn up slightly, half in amusement and half in curiosity “Well this is no different, your body is getting sick because this is being neglected”.

Ian tapped lightly on Mickey’s head and he felt his body flush slightly. He locked eyes with Ian and found himself rendered speechless, something that rarely happened. He knew he was right of course and for some reason it was much harder to argue with Ian than anyone else.

----

An hour later he was sitting in what he assumed was Ian’s office although it didn’t seem like it was his, there were certificates on the wall that bore a different name and there was nothing that screamed “Ian” adorning the room anywhere.

“Lloyd Lishman” he said as he read one of the framed certificates hanging in the wall.

“He’s the founder and owner of this clinic” Ian explained while returning to whatever he was reading or typing on his screen.

“So this is his office….you not good enough to have your own office or something” Mickey said in jest with a chuckle, attempting to provoke some reaction in the all too calm man.

Ian laughed lightly and paused as if he was taking a moment before he spoke “You seem the type that appreciates honesty Mickey so I’m not going to bullshit you….”

Mickey felt his eyebrow quirk up and thought he noticed Ian looking nervous for once, an entirely unexpected situation.

“I work for Lloyd but I’m not a fully qualified counsellor yet…I’m in my last year at college and working towards a degree in Psychology…..the reason I took this case is that it’s pro bono….”

“The fuck does that mean” Mickey interrupted.

“This place as you’ve probably guessed isn’t cheap but a couple of times a year they take on pro bono cases….free….no fees…..”

“You mean some rich fuck takes on a few charity cases so he can feel better about charging other rich fucks extortionate prices” Mickey muttered in amusement. He wasn’t surprised really, maybe a little offended but he knew something was up when he first entered the building.

Ian chuckled and Mickey automatically smiled and felt himself blush a little.

“See, I knew you were smart Mickey” Ian replied and Mickey thought he noticed him blush too momentarily before he looked away and continued to speak “whatever the reason it is one of my jobs to look over the applications we get and choose these pro bono cases”.

“Wait” Mickey let Ian’s words sink in “so you had a file or whatever about me and you chose me to come here”.

“Yes, I chose you Mickey” Ian answered sincerely but firmly.

“Why” he whispered quietly “I mean why me”.

He heard Ian sigh “Maybe because I’m South Side too…..”

“Wait….the fuck….you’re south side” Mickey couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief “no fucking way”.

“Yes way” Ian laughed softly again “in fact I knew your sister from school…..”

“Wait, you knew Mandy”

“Sort of, weren’t best friends or anything but had some classes together….she used to uh be with my brother Lip for a while….”

“Wait that guy that used to sell the essays…that Lip….that’s your brother….no shit”.

Mickey’s head was spinning from all of this information. Somehow knowing Ian was south side comforted him and made him want to trust him more.

“So yeah that’s how this came about” Ian paused, looking nervous again “Mandy had heard about college and about working here so she got my number from Lip….”

“And what she fucking told you shit….what the fuck did she tell you” Mickey stood up feeling automatically defensive like he did when he felt exposed or vulnerable.

“Mickey, please, just sit down….”

“Don’t want to fucking sit down….I’m not some charity case nut job that needs fixing and I don’t care what that bitch told you but I don’t need help from you or anyone else ok…..fuck…..”

It was happening again, shit it never happened this close together and this one felt so much worse. He felt the blood rushing from his face and he started seeing stars. His legs almost gave way but before he knew it Ian was standing behind him and had his arms wrapped around his chest. He could hear his voice and feel his breath on his neck as he closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing.

“I’m sorry Mickey….just breathe with me ok” Ian whispered and Mickey couldn’t fathom why he was the one apologising.

He focussed on the feel of Ian’s strong body against his and the feel of his chest rising up and down. He found himself starting to breathe in sync until he felt stable again.

“The fuck you sorry for” he grumbled as he pushed Ian away, feeling uncomfortable now with the contact.

“I’m supposed to be the professional one here and I’ve already crossed like a million lines and broken so many rules” Ian said with a quiet dry laugh while shaking his head as if he were internally scolding himself. The image actually made Mickey snort out loud and roll his eyes at Ian’s extreme reaction.

“Jesus Christ are you always this dramatic Red” Mickey said with a slight grin on his lips. For some reason he kind of liked that Ian was admittedly breaking rules for Mickey. The more Ian revealed himself to be a normal human being, as opposed to a stuffy pretentious know it all shrink, the more he relaxed and contemplated giving this therapy shit a real try.

“So you’re not a proper shrink yet or whatever….this mean you’re going to fuck me up even more” Mickey joked as he sat back down opposite Ian.

“Hope not” Ian laughed “this is voluntary Mickey, you can leave anytime you like and if you don’t think I’m a good fit I can see who else is available…..”

Mickey held his hand up “No….shit….you’re doing alright Red”.

“You’re not my first case Mickey…I’m working here 2 years….I wouldn’t take you on if I didn’t honesty think I could help you”.

“You think you can take me on huh” Mickey smirked and Ian locked eyes with him, a touch of his own smirk emerging.

“Absolutely Mick”

Chapter Text

“But I’m not crazy; I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me”

After their initial meeting Mickey was given a tour of the building and Ian explained how their programme worked. He used a lot of big words like “Holistic”, “Cognitive Behavioural Therapy”, “Stress Inoculation Training” and “Behavioural Activation” before seemingly remembering who he was speaking to. Ian then explained that the clinic effectively tried to treat the person as a whole rather than just medicating them and sending them on their way like some hospitals preferred to do.

He outlined what a daily routine could look like, for example after breakfast Mickey would take part in a group therapy session, then after lunch he could choose from one of several therapeutic classes and in the evening he would have a one to one session with Ian to discuss how the day went or anything else that was on his mind.

“You seriously expect me to sit in some sort of fucked up circle jerk with a bunch of strangers and talk about my feelings and shit” Mickey asked Ian aggressively with a snort.

“No, you aren’t forced to do anything which includes speaking. You can sit and listen if you prefer” Ian answered all rationally and calm like usual.

“So what’s the point of me being here if I just sit in silence all the time huh”

“That’s a very good question Mick” Ian replied with an annoyingly smug smirk on his face.

Mickey realised he had backed himself into a corner and simply responded by flipping the red head off. He had noticed of course that Ian had started calling him by a nickname, a name that was reserved only for his siblings or possibly some close cousins. But weirdly he kind of liked how it sounded on Ian’s lips.

“Look Mick, everything is set at your pace and trust me I understand how hard it is to open up and talk about shit with others but I hope that after a day or two you’ll see that it really does help”.

“Oh yeah, you trying to pretend you know what it feels like to be fucked up huh, so what you can get me to drop my guard, get me to relate to you or whatever the fuck….you’ve no idea about my life man” he replied, feeling frustrated and angry but not necessarily with Ian.

“I don’t know what it feels like to be you Mick but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what it means to feel fucked up or what it feels like to hit rock bottom or feel like I finally need to ask for help”.

Ian took a step back and ran his fingers through his hair as if he was nervous again.

“You have that look again Red, what you break another one of your precious rules” he laughed lightly. For some reason Mickey was really enjoying pushing Ian’s buttons and causing his cool façade to slip.

“Breakfast is already finished but there’s a group session starting in 5 minutes” Ian muttered as he started to walk away, implying that Mickey should follow him.

It was bad enough that he was expected to sit in a circle with 4 complete strangers but he suddenly realised that Ian was sitting down too, more than that, he was the facilitator.

“Ok group we have a new member with us today so I thought we’d start off with a little introduction exercise, when I pass the ball to you please say your name and something about yourself before passing the ball to the next person”.

Mickey looked at Ian in astonishment as he actually passed a small rubber ball to the man on his left as if they were kids playing some lame ass game as school.

“The fuck” Mickey muttered out loud causing Ian and the other people to look at him.

“Mickey, when we are in this circle we only speak when he are holding the ball” Ian said and he looked deadly serious despite a small smile on his lips.

Ian nodded at the other man who tossed the ball back to him and Ian passed it to Mickey who looked at it and actually snorted, “You fucking shitting me Red”.

“No I am not shitting you Mick” Ian actually smiled a bit wider and looked mildly amused “why don’t you start, tell everyone your name and a little about yourself”.

Ian raised his eyebrow subtly but Mickey caught it, he knew it was Ian effectively challenging him, asking him if he was a pussy once again. Well fuck that, if Ian expected him to walk out or fail at the first hurdle then he was dead fucking wrong.

Mickey thumbed his bottom lip nervously before finally opening his mouth.

“Uh ok, I’m Mickey and….shit, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here….” He trailed off feeling himself turn pink under all of the attention he was now receiving.

“That’s ok Mick, you did good so far, how about you say what you hope to achieve from your stay here, what you hope to get out of it” Ian prompted and Mickey hated how soft and affectionate his big green eyes looked in that moment, almost as if he was genuinely proud of Mickey for literally just saying his name out loud.

“Fuck if I know” he said and he received a few chuckles and supportive nods around the circle which helped him relax “I dunno like maybe I won’t feel like such a fuck up or whatever “ he shrugged and tossed the ball back to Ian quickly.

“Thanks for sharing Mick” Ian said softly before getting back to the rest of the circle.

He learned that the 2 other men were called James and Kyle. James was older, maybe in his early 50’s and looked like one of those rich North Side mother fuckers, probably owned his own business and a yacht he figured. He seemed quieter than Kyle who was in his 20’s and Mickey assumed his rich parents were footing the bill for his stay here.

But Mickey admired how free and easy it was for him to share, he had no problem in joking about the time he tried to hang himself in his college dorm room which blew Mickey’s mind. Mickey couldn’t even admit his shit to himself never mind to a room full of relative strangers. But Kyle wasn’t phased and it wasn’t that he was bragging or proud, rather he just seemed empowered as if he owned his shit and felt some sort of freedom in being able to talk about it out loud.

The 2 women who completed the group were called Stacey and Maggie. Stacey was probably in her early 30’s and looked like a model or some shit, I mean Mickey wasn’t into women but she looked like she took care of herself and like she wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Maggie was older, maybe in her mid to late 50’s and looked like your standard friendly mother or grandmother, the type of woman who baked cookies and pies and shit in her spare time.

Mickey marvelled at how different all of them seemed and at how they had all come to be sitting together in this circle, with Ian of all people. Surreal didn’t even cover the half of it.

“Ok so now we have that out of the way I think it’s time for these” Ian said as he pulled out what looked like a pack of cards and it elicited a mocking groan from some of the group which amused Mickey.

“Well it’s either these or the feelings wheel” Ian suggested with a smirk and he received chuckles in response and Mickey had no idea what was happening but he was intrigued. Ian must have been the most charismatic and captivating man he had ever come across, he couldn’t keep his eyes off him and the group who were more familiar with him seemed so at ease.

“Cmon, it’ll be fun” Ian joked lightly while he shuffled the cards.

“Fun, last time James nearly had a breakdown because he started talking about his kids again” Kyle had piped up from the circle.

“Fuck you, asshole” James opened his mouth just before Ian did and Mickey honestly thought it was all about to kick off. Who knew he wouldn’t be the one throwing punches today.

“Kyle” Ian’s voice boomed sternly and powerfully across the room stopping everyone in their tracks “you’ve been warned previously about speaking out of turn and we don’t use stories that are shared in this circle against others, do you understand or do I need to remove you from this group”.

Shit Mickey felt his skin actually tingle and yup, it wasn’t just his skin. Fuck Ian looked all kinds of sexy right now. It was like watching a fucking soap opera unfold right in front of his eyes.

“Sorry Ian” Kyle muttered and Mickey had to contain another snort.

“Not me you need to apologise to” Ian replied more softly now.

Kyle sighed and Mickey couldn’t believe how quickly he caved “Sorry James”.

“Right then, let’s get started, Stacey, pick a card” Ian said as he tried to get his class back on track.

“Ah shit” she said before reading it out loud “Name something you regret and say how you would do things differently now”.

Mickey watched again in absolutely intrigue and curiosity to the scene unfolding around him, he just wished he had a bucket of popcorn.

“Hard to pick just one” Stacey teased and Mickey laughed out loud earning him a look of warning from Ian “regret doing all that coke during New York fashion week and falling off the runway”.

Mickey felt his eyebrow twitch and had so many fucking questions but bit his lip.

“And why do you regret it” Ian asked and Mickey actually shot him a look as if to say “really”.

“Well obviously I regret making a fool of myself and blowing my one big chance”.

“And how would you do things differently” Ian asked and again Mickey looked at him to say “really”.

“Well I wouldn’t do so much coke” Stacey laughed “and maybe not drink a bottle of jack with it as well….especially when walking in 6 inch heels”.

The group laughed and nodded and once again Mickey was wondering how he was sitting here in this situation.

“Thank you Stacey for sharing….Mickey” Ian said as he offered him the cards.

“Uh no, no way, let someone else go” Mickey said, suddenly feeling how the tables had turned now that he was the focus of attention.

“Cmon Mick, nothing you say here will leave this room”.

“You sure about that cos Kyle seems to have a fucking awesome memory” he muttered and the group seemed to enjoy his observation, even Kyle who held his hands up in mock defence.

“Fuck” he mumbled as he picked out a random card.

Well shit.

Ian nodded at him to continue not realising that Mickey was about to die on the spot.

“How do you think others view you?....the fuck Ian”.

“Well Mick, what do you think people see when they look at you?” Ian prompted gently.

He sighed and thumbed his lip again before shrugging.

“Cmon Mick, what do you think they see, you can be as honest as you like”.

“I dunno, like I guess they just see the tatts on my knuckles or my attitude or whatever and think I’m a thug or a criminal or whatever the fuck”.

“And how does that make you feel?” Ian asked even more gently now.

“The fuck you mean Ian” he said feeling frustrated and annoyed.

“Do you think that’s a fair view, do you think they’re right to see you that way or do you think they’re mistaken?”

“What do you think, I’ve been to juvie and prison, I’ve been doing illegal shit since I was a kid so I guess they’re not wrong huh”

He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from Ian’s big green eyes and hoped he got the message that he was done with this conversation.

Ian moved on and Mickey didn’t really take in the rest of the hour. Later on he ate by himself outside, that cocky shit Kyle had called him over to sit with him and Stacey but he had zero energy for dealing with other people. Instead he grabbed his meal and found a quiet spot in the garden and ate in silence while contemplating how in the hell his life had gotten so fucked up.

----

He fidgeted in the seat as Ian looked at him from behind his desk. Group therapy was difficult enough but this one to one bullshit had him crawling out of his skin. They had been sitting in silence for 10 minutes and Ian continued to watch him intently without saying a word.

“So that’s it, I say nothing and you say nothing and we just sit here like 2 assholes for an hour huh” he said after he couldn’t take it anymore.

He saw Ian’s lips curve slightly and he scolded himself for caving first.

“I assumed you would speak when you wanted to speak Mick. It doesn’t exactly help you if I have to drag it out of you”.

“Today when you uh introduced yourself you said something about Bipolar” Mickey asked, feeling like anything is better than silence.

“Yes, that’s the name of my illness, do you know what it is Mick” Ian asked patiently.

“Like manic depression or whatever right” he watched Ian nod and asked another question, feeling curious about Ian “are you allowed say personal shit like that, to your patients or whatever”.

Ian smiled before answering “it’s called self-disclosure, I can offer some personal insight if I feel it is beneficial, for instance I feel it helps in the circle as it puts us on a level playing field, to a certain degree anyway”.

“Doubt we’re on a level playing field Ian” he snorted.

“Try me” Ian challenged.

“Huh, what you mean”

“Tell me something, how can I know if were on a level playing field or not if I don’t know anything about you”.

Mickey rolled his eyes again. Ian had this ability to back Mickey into a corner each time he opened his damn mouth.

“Fine, you wanna now about the time my dad broke my arm cos I accidently smashed his beer bottle….or the time we got taken into care cos he was down in Mexico running drugs for some cartel….or the time I watched him smack our mom around so much I thought she was dead, didn’t know she was alive until I lay down next to her and felt her breath on my face…..then there was the time he forced me to beat up some fag down in boystown…..”

Fuck he knew he had gone too far and shut his mouth up quickly. He was too busy posturing that he had gone into territory he really didn’t want to venture into, especially with Ian.

He caught Ian inhale sharply and for a moment looked like he too needed to compose himself. He figured Ian must have heard the stories though and he must not be that shocked by Mickey’s little outburst.

“Look Mick I’m never gonna sit here and pretend to understand what you’ve gone through, I’ve  gone through shit myself, think that’s a rite of passage growing up on the south side huh” Ian paused and smiled at Mickey “but no one ever really knows what it’s like to walk around in our shoes”.

“Yeah well I couldn’t walk around in your giant clown shoes anyway” Mickey said with a slight chuckle which caused Ian to laugh out loud and it was a glorious sound. His entire face lit up and Mickey felt himself blush.

“But I’ll be honest Mickey you’re struggling and you need help to process it all, no one would be expected to survive all of that and come out the other side unharmed”.

“You don’t even know the half of it Ian, that shit is fucking child’s play” he grumbled.

“And I won’t know unless you tell me….you were right, Mandy told me some but I need to hear your side of it, it’s your story to tell not hers”.

“Fucking Mandy” he huffed “she’s just a drama queen, over exaggerating shit”.

“And Iggy and Colin too” Ian asked calmly.

He shrugged because he had nothing to say to that.

“Why do you think she called me Mick” Ian asked while locking eyes with him.

“I don’t know, need to ask her that” he said and he cringed at how childish his voice sounded.

“I know what she said Mick but I’m asking you why do you think she and your brothers brought you here”.

“Don’t fucking do that shit Ian, fucking trick me into giving shit away, I know you know” he said feeling defensive and angry again.

“I don’t know from your perspective Mick”.

Fuck Ian was beginning to really piss him off with his mission to drag this shit out of him, that and his annoyingly patient and rational voice.

“The fuck you want me to say huh that I got fucked up over my dad and…..”

“And what Mick” Ian prodded him yet again.

He stood up and backed away unable to complete the sentence, almost as if he didn’t say it out loud then it didn’t happen.

“No, fuck you asshole” he shouted while pointing at Ian.

He pushed his fists into his eyes and tried to keep a lid on his breathing. He was determined not to have a third attack today.

“Mick….”

“I said no….” he shouted again.

Fuck he was losing control of his emotions, of his breathing, of his body.

“It’s ok Mick we can talk about something else or you can ask me a question if you want, just sit down please”.

He felt himself back away further, his emotions threatening to spill over at the sound of Ian’s voice.

And Ian was on his feet and waking over to him and he felt his heart thump faster but for an entirely different reason, especially when he felt Ian’s hands cupping his face.

“Hey, look at me Mick…..that’s it…breathe….you’re ok….you’re safe”.

His eyes were fixed on Ian’s green ones and he once again found himself believing him.

----

The next day he woke up and actually read over the brochure and itinerary. He told himself it was just because he was bored and wanted something to read, not because he was genuinely interested.

He didn’t really say much more to Ian the night before. Ian cut their meeting short and told him to go to bed early and he didn’t even argue because he felt exhausted. He was so drained that he passed out on his bed fully clothed and woke up hours later before he got undressed and into bed properly.

He grabbed breakfast and was trying to make his escape outside when Kyle and Stacey waved him over again. Fuck. He wandered over figuring he has to see them at the group session so it would make things even more awkward if he kept dodging them.

“So” Stacey started “what’s your deal Mickey”.

Mickey raised his eyebrow at her as he tried to eat his breakfast.

“Like what you in for” she added and he laughed.

“This isn’t exactly prison is it” he said with a smirk.

“Oh come on…..moi, addict obviously, also got a touch of ptsd” She said freely “childhood abuse”.

Stacey smiled and shrugged and sipped her coffee like revealing this shit was no big deal.

“Borderline personality disorder” Kyle piped up while pointing to himself.

“The fuck is that” Mickey mumbled in between bites of pancakes.

“Means he’s an asshole to people, is moodier than me when I’m on my period, fucks everything that moves and really shouldn’t be left to make any important decisions” Stacey said teasingly which earned her the middle finger from Kyle.

“I mean she’s not entirely wrong” Kyle said and Stacey cocked her head with a smirk. It was kind of fascinating he thought, watching these two people playfully tease each other over their illnesses, making light of it instead of wallowing in self-pity or denial.

“She forgot about this though” Kyle said as he pulled up his sleeves to show his scarred arms, clearly a result of self-harming.

“Jesus” Mickey muttered.

“Yeah after the last one was a bit too close to my wrist my folks freaked out and dragged my ass here” he shrugged casually.

“How long have you both been here” Mickey asked, his focus now firmly pulled away from his pancakes.

“2 weeks for me” Kyle said.

“3 for me, 1 more and I’m cured” Stacey said with a sarcastic laugh “How long you got left”.

“Uh I just got here, so a month” he mumbled.

“Oh shit” Kyle said “week one, Ian hasn’t even made you cry yet”.

His companions laughed dryly and Mickey started to feel uncomfortable and on display.

“The fucks that mean” he asked softly.

“It’s inevitable, the guys a wizard, you’ll fight him for a few days but he always makes you crack and then drags it out of you” Kyle chuckled.

“Drag what out of me”.

“Whatever it is that you’ve got buried so deep inside you that you don’t even let yourself think about it…..that shit” Stacey answered this time with a nod.

He let out a loud sigh and ran his hands down his face.

“Chill bro, it’s all good, told you he’s a wizard, once you cry and get that shit out you’ll feel lighter, you’ll still be fucked up but just a little less fucked up” Kyle and Stacey laughed in unison again and that’s when he stood up and walked outside, desperate for some air and silence.

As much as Kyle and Stacey seemed to be loving every minute of their therapy his worst nightmare was having to tell his deepest darkest shit to anyone and the thought of Ian knowing somehow just made him feel that much sicker inside.

----

Mickey realised from his itinerary that he only had to attend the group therapy sessions three times a week but the other days he was expected to take part in therapeutic classes or workshops. Today he found himself sitting in a “mindfulness” class run by some hipster looking chick who probably loved yoga and avocados and fucking hard to pronounce coffees.

After trying desperately to keep his eyes closed and think of his “happy place” or whatever the fuck he’d had enough and left, wandering outside into the garden again. He knew Ian was going to give him shit but fuck that ginger asshole, he was here for therapy not torture, not that he thought there was much of a difference anyway.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in a mindfulness class” the voice said behind him as he sat on the grass.

“You fucking stalking me Red” he said with a smirk.

“I’m your assigned counsellor, it’s my job to know where you are at all times” Ian replied evenly.

“Couldn’t take another minute of that shitshow”

“That’s fine, not every class will be suited to you”.

“The fuck Ian…..why you gotta fucking be like that all the time” he muttered, unsure as to why he was feeling so frustrated.

“Like what Mick” Ian chuckled as he sprawled out next to him.

“Like I dunno, cool, like nothing I do pisses you off, fucking nice all the time”.

“Me being nice is a bad thing” Ian laughed louder now.

“It’s fucking annoying is what it is, no one can be that fucking calm all the time, not normal” Mickey mumbled but his fight was gone, probably due to the way Ian was smiling at him.

“Trust me I’m not normal Mick and I’m not nice or calm all the time”.

“Bipolar or whatever the fuck” Mickey said, suddenly feeling a little bit guilty.

“Well yes but not what I meant, no one can be one thing all the time, that’s not normal” Ian used his fingers like quotation marks and it looked so goofy that Mickey rolled his eyes and snorted “it’s only human to feel lots of different things, sometimes different things at the same thing, sometimes opposing things at the same time”.

“huh”

“Like you can feel happy and sad at the same time or I can feel calm and frustrated at the same time” Ian said with a chuckle.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to tell me something” Mickey said with a chuckle of his own.

“Look my job is to remain patient and calm but fuck if you don’t frustrate the shit out of me Mickey” Ian replied with a long sigh.

“Sorry I’m not living up to your expectations” Mickey said dryly.

“You’re not” Ian said while staring at him and he was about tell the red head to fuck off when he continued “you’re exceeding them”.

Chapter Text

“Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I’m picking me apart again

You all assume

I’m safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again”

The next couple of days passed in a similar way. Mickey would get up and eat breakfast, usually while listening to Kyle and Stacey oversharing before taking in a class or workshop. He still hadn’t spoken to James or Maggie much as they seemed to keep mostly to themselves but he had since learned that James was suffering from severe depression and was once found slumped in his car by his kid while he was attempting to gas himself to death.

Maggie had something called OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which Mickey hadn’t heard of until Stacey explained it to him in thorough detail. Apparently Maggie once flipped out at their table because it wasn’t laid out “right” and so she eats in her room now and only comes out for therapy or classes. The more he learned about his fellow residents the more he started to feel somewhat better about himself, like he wasn’t the only nutjob in the place.

He had started attending an art therapy class, after Ian “strongly suggested” he take part in something. Ian had given him that look and like usual Mickey found himself resigned to giving in. But he had to admit, to himself at least, he was enjoying it. He had dabbled a bit with drawing and sketching when he was younger but he always had to hide it whenever Terry was around. He found that the feeling he had experienced before was still there, the feeling as if he was escaping the world around him while he was focused on the paper or canvas in front of him. He even found himself preening when the teacher would compliment his work.

In the evening he was still attending a one to one session with Ian but he knew he was purposely withholding and keeping his walls up. Ian was being patient and was allowing him to talk at his own pace and as little as he wanted. This evening however Ian seemed to be prodding a bit more than usual.

“So Mick I’d like to talk about the group session earlier” Ian said and Mickey wasn’t even that surprised, he had seen this coming.

“Not sure there’s much more to talk about” he muttered dryly.

“Why do you say that” Ian asked, always so simple and precise in his responses, irritatingly so.

“Fuck Ian, what do you want me to say huh, that I have no idea how to answer that stupid fucking card”.

In the group session Mickey had pulled a card that asked “When was the last time you were happy and what made you feel that way”. Mickey had thrown the card on the ground and closed up shop. Something inside him had shut down as he realised that couldn’t find an answer, not one example. After Ian had prompted him further he stood up and walked out of the group in embarrassment and returned to his room where he had stayed until now.

“And that’s a valid answer Mick but I’d like to talk about why you left, what you were feeling that made you leave”.

Mickey bit his lip and felt his cheeks burn. He wanted to storm out of Ian’s office like the room earlier but he knew deep down that it was only prolonging the inevitable. Ian would just ask him again tomorrow or the day after that until he fucking caved and gave him something.

“I don’t know, was fucking embarrassed or whatever” he mumbled while he shrugged his shoulders.

“Why were you embarrassed Mick”.

“Fuck Ian, why do you think because I have no idea what it means to be happy maybe, I can’t think of one fucking time I was happy, not since I was kid anyway and even then….”

“And you feel embarrassed because of that?”

Fucking Ian with his big green eyes staring at him and his soft kind face, Jesus he was going to be the end of him.

“Yeah, I mean it’s not normal right, felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me or fucking worse, pitying me”.

“Well firstly Mick there’s no such thing as normal” Ian used his fingers like air quotes again and it always made Mickey snort “secondly, I honestly don’t believe that one single person in that room was judging you. As for pitying, can I ask why that’s something you feel so strongly about?”

“You’re kidding right, I’m south side, you know…..don’t need anyone looking down on me cos I had a shit childhood or whatever….I’m not weak or a pussy….don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me”.

“I get it Mick, I grew up shit poor, parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, I had to work since I was a kid or pull scams just to feed my younger siblings but there’s a difference in people feeling empathy or sympathy as opposed to pity or as you say, feeling sorry for you”.

Mickey took in what Ian said for a moment and took a deep breath. He felt tired from holding onto so much anger and frustration and was strangely enjoying just having a conversation, even if it was still slightly heated.

“Empathy?” he asked quietly but still refusing to meet Ian’s eyes, unwilling to give him too much co-operation just yet.

“It’s similar to sympathy I guess but it’s more about having compassion for people because you understand them or consider the situation from their point of view”.

“So like walking around in someone’s shoes or whatever” Mickey replied, feeling out if he was following Ian.

“Yeah exactly, it’s a lot easier to just offer sympathy you know, like when people say I’m sorry to hear that or sorry for your loss……if we have empathy we aren’t speaking from our point of view or because we’re projecting, we’re actually considering what that person is feeling or saying. In fact some people who are empaths feel so strongly they genuinely feel pain when another person is feeling pain. Does that make sense?”

Mickey nodded taking in what Ian was saying but he found it hard to believe that people could really give that much of a shit about someone else, especially strangers.

“So I suppose Mick what I’d like to know is what’s so bad about other people having empathy for you?” Ian asked after a minute of silence.

“I don’t know….fuck….it’s like how can someone really give that much of a shit, about me….and like they couldn’t possibly understand what I’m feeling or what shit I went through so what does it matter what they feel or say or whatever”.

He couldn’t explain what he was feeling but all he knew was that it pissed him off when people were kind or compassionate because they didn’t know what he was feeling, they hadn’t experienced it, they couldn’t even begin to understand the horror he had seen or been part of. So to him their words were empty and meaningless and ultimately just didn’t mean shit.

“And you think we have to have the same lived and shared experiences to genuinely feel compassion or kindness or empathy for another human being?”

He shrugged again, feeling unsure as to where Ian was heading but knowing the clever ginger fucker he was most likely backing Mickey into another corner.

“Do you know why I’m here Mick” Ian asked sternly while staring into Mickeys eyes.

“What do you mean Ian, this is your job or whatever” Mickey gestured around with a cocky smirk.

“No I mean here, with you. I didn’t have to take your case. I could’ve just told Mandy, sorry can’t help. I didn’t because when she cried down the phone I cried too Mick. Because when she told me what had happened and what has been happening for quite some time my heart fucking sank. And it’s not because I was projecting my own shit or forcing myself to feel like that because of my ego or whatever it was because I genuinely fucking cared. About her.  About you”.

Ian paused and Mickey made the mistake of locking eyes with him, those big green eyes that were a mixture of concern and frustration in that moment “I had to persuade Lloyd to let me bring you here, I had to re arrange my classes and assignments so I could be here, I did all of that, fought for you because I think you’re fucking worth it but you can’t even see that you’re worth fighting for yourself”.

“Well I didn’t ask you to Ian…. or Mandy” Mickey said as he rose from his chair and started to walk towards the door, attempting to make an escape again.

“The fuck do you think you’re going Milkovich” Ian said as he stood up swiftly and closed the distance between them in seconds. Fuck him and his long ass giraffe legs. Mickey realised how angry Ian looked and the tone in his voice had sent shivers up and down his spine. Mickey had his back to the door and Ian was almost face to face with him.

“No one fucking asked you to do any of that shit Ian alright, what you want a fucking medal or something, a pat on the back for being such a nice guy huh”.

“Jesus Christ Mickey, are not hearing a single word I’m saying, this isn’t about me, you think I do shit like that for just anyone, I did it because I fucking care about you….and I care about Mandy too, what did we just talk about huh, it’s called empathy asshole. I may not have lived in that house of horrors Mickey and I can’t imagine what that fucking prick put you through but don’t dare tell me that I don’t give a shit. Maybe you haven’t had anyone give a shit before but it’s the truth and you can’t just keep walking away from people who are trying to fucking help you, so please let me help you Mick”.

Ian was breathing heavily and he could feel it on his face. He could smell mint and some sort of citrus fragrance. He felt his heart thumping out of his chest and was completely lost for words.

He felt himself push Ian’s chest back gently but Ian just took his hands in his and for a moment he felt his heart stop.

“You can’t fucking help me Ian, I’m fucked for life, not worth wasting your time on”.

He mumbled and pushed him away harder this time and Ian seemed too stunned to say or do anything so he took his chance and left, returning to his room where he crawled into bed and found himself sobbing into his pillow.

----

He woke up the next day to a knock on the door and it unsettled him for a moment, as no one ever knocked on his door.

“Ian” he breathed out in surprise as he opened the door.

“Hey, you uh missed breakfast so I brought you some” Ian appeared uncharacteristically nervous.

Mickey took in the tray of various foods and drinks and looked back up at Ian in wonder. He was sure that Ian must hate his guts after all the shit he had thrown in his face the night before.

“You didn’t have to do that Ian” he said softly as he thumbed his bottom lip.

“Sure I did, my job to care for you remember” Ian said with a soft smile and Mickey felt a strange flutter in his stomach. He figured Ian meant professionally, it was his job to care for him while he was under this roof but in that moment it felt like he meant more, his words felt loaded with ambiguity.

“Uh thanks” he mumbled while allowing Ian in so he could finally put the tray down.

“Look I’m sorry Mick, I feel like I’m letting you down here, maybe its cos I’m south side or I feel like I know you and have some history with Mandy but I can’t be getting frustrated with you like I did last night. I just want you to work with me but that has to be at your own pace and I know I push too hard sometimes and that’s my problem not yours”.

To say Mickey was stunned was an understatement. He actually laughed in disbelief.

“You fucking apologise way too much Red you know that, you’re soft as shit”.

Mickey chuckled and Ian chuckled in return.

“Yeah well that’s true. Must be to put up with your annoying ass” Ian said in return and Mickey had to admit he kind of liked Ian teasing him. Maybe this wasn’t professional or the “normal” way of doing things but Mickey would rather talk like this with Ian than talk to any other head shrink.

“I’m sorry too by the way” he said quietly “it’s not that I don’t get what you did for me and for Mandy, I do it’s just fucking hard sometimes you know…..”

“I know Mick, you find it hard to accept help cos you think it makes you look weak and you think talking about feelings makes you a pussy” Ian replied with a slight smirk while he cocked his head to the side the way he did when he was testing Mickey for his reaction.

“Alright wise guy” he said with a grin “it’s just all new to me ok, I don’t know how to do it or whatever”.

“Do what Mick, were talking right now aren’t we” Ian said softly as he took a step closer to him.

“Like fucking talking about myself or talking about shit from the past” he purposely kept his eyes on the floor.

“I get it Mick, it’s not easy but nothing that’s worth shit is ever easy” Ian replied and Mickey snorted again.

“You get that line from a fortune cookie Red” he teased while he bit his lip.

Ian giggled and Mickey found himself blush again.

“Yeah that’s where I get all my best lines Mick”.

They locked eyes for a moment and Mickey swore that some unknown feeling or tension had passed between them.

“Anyway eat up and follow me out to the garden” Ian said with a smirk as he walked off.

“Why what’s happening in the garden…..”

----

“The fuck is going on here Red” Mickey said with a curious smile.

“Well once a week we have an Animal Therapy class….used to just be Equine Therapy” Ian paused while reading the look of confusion on his face “Horses Mick…..but yeah those fuckers like to shit everywhere”.

Mickey found himself laughing and he almost felt something akin to happiness, at least what he imagined happiness to feel like. It wasn’t just Ian’s glorious smile that was causing his face and his heart to light up but all the little furry fuckers running around.

“Yeah I kinda figured seen as you aren’t much of a people person I might see how you relate to dogs instead” Ian chuckled and Mickey automatically flipped him off. It felt playful and natural and for the first time since he arrived he felt a bit lighter.

“Where are they from” he asked as he started to approach the group of dogs and their handlers.

“A shelter that’s close to the South Side, friend of mine from college adopted their dog there and when I came to work here 2 years ago I asked Lloyd about setting up this class”.

“Hey boy” Mickey found himself saying out loud while he scratched the belly of a huge Golden Retriever and he blushed when he saw Ian looking at him affectionately.

“Knew you were a dog person” Ian said a little too smugly.

“Who doesn’t like dogs” Mickey said but more to the dog than Ian. He had always loved dogs but anytime they were lucky enough to have some growing up Terry would destroy them by training them to fight or to be vicious guard dogs. Dogs were loyal and loved you unconditionally, they didn’t care about how much of a fuck up you were, what’s not to love.

“You wanna take him for a walk” Ian asked as he took the lead from the handler and held it out to Mickey.

“Shit, yeah”.

“His names Cooper” the handler guy said.

“That right, good name huh” Mickey laughed at his ridiculous baby voice but somehow he didn’t care, not even when he caught Ian smirking at him.

“You coming or not Red” he said as he started to walk off.

They walked around the grounds while Cooper sniffed fucking everything in sight and bounced around like he’d gotten into a bag of coke but Mickey hadn’t felt that relaxed and at ease in a long time.  He and Ian decided to sit while Cooper busied himself in sniffing the flowers and chasing bumble bees.

“You have a dog” he asked Ian who was lying down next to him.

“Nah, no time for one at the minute, with college and working here, have shared custody of my neighbour’s cat though” he chuckled while blocking the sun from his eyes with his hand.

“Yeah” Mickey laughed as he tried to picture Ian with a cat and then started to picture what his place looked like and did he share it with anyone, like a partner or spouse. Fuck.

“He started to just come by you know and I thought he was a stray at first but he’s a fat little fucker so that didn’t seem right….he’d hang out for a day or 2 then disappear for a day or two and then come back….this went on for like a year until I got talking to my neighbour one day and see the little shit asleep on their couch. Turns out they used to be worried about him going missing when he was just hanging out at my place”.

Mickey laughed out loud and Ian joined in which caused Cooper to wander over and he then collapsed onto Mickeys lap.

“Explains why he’s a fat little fucker then, eating at both your places and getting the best of both worlds” Mickey said as he scratched the dogs belly and ran his fingers through his fur.

“Got to admire the hustle though” Ian chuckled “you ever think about getting a dog….or a cat”.

“I don’t know man, I mean dogs are awesome but I can barely look after myself”.

“They can be great companions though, it’s not just some hippy shit, animal therapy is a real thing, dogs in particular are so incredibly in tune to human emotions. You think Cooper just wandered over to you by accident?” Ian said and Mickey looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What you trying to say, that it was fate or he chose me or something” Mickey laughed sarcastically.

“Maybe, maybe not but dogs can tell when people need things, they can tell if we’re sad or happy, they sense our emotions, just saying that I think when you get out of here it’s something you should think about Mick, look at you, you’re happy”.

Mick bent down and planted little kisses on the big lovable fur ball and allowed him to kiss his face right back. Ian was right of course, he did feel happy.

----

“So today was a good day then” Ian asked as he sat opposite him later that evening in the office.

“Alright” he shrugged but he couldn’t help the smile that erupted and Ian let out a soft laugh in return.

“But you’re about to change that I’m guessing” Mickey said sarcastically knowing that Ian isn’t going to take it easy on him and is still going to prod and push.

“See, we are getting to know each other” Ian replied just as sarcastically and Mickey flipped him off.

“Go on then, might as well get this bullshit over with” he quipped.

“Great, glad you’re finally on board with your care plan Milkovich” Ian said with a hint of amusement and sarcasm.

“Care plan” he snarked “How is dragging up my shitty past and getting me to cry about my feelings care”. It was his turn to use air quotes and Ian’s turn to laugh at them.

“Because Mick, by holding on to all that bad shit you’re hurting yourself more, why do you think you keep having anxiety attacks huh”.

“Anxiety attacks?” he asked quietly.

“Yes, like what happened the other day in here, when you couldn’t breathe, that’s what we call them. I bet you felt dizzy or faint or weird too right?”

“Yeah I feel like I dunno like the blood is draining from my body and tingly and like cold and shit” he muttered shyly while he played with his fingers in his lap.

“It’s kinda like your fight or flight response, you’ve heard of that right”.

“That’s like when you either wanna punch a dude or run away, sure” he said and Ian chuckled lightly.

“I mean yes but no” Ian laughed again but it wasn’t a mocking sort of laugh, it was cute and kind of adorable “Basically when you get over stressed your body gets flooded with hormones and then it tries to pump blood around your body in order to protect your vital organs such as your heart so that’s why you feel dizzy or tingly or faint. It’s just a physical response to an emotional or mental issue”.

“So because my head is fucked up my body is fucked up too, great” he sighed.

“Well everything’s connected Mick same way if we get physically sick we can start to feel low or down in your case your brain isn’t handling things like stress or trauma well and its starting to take a toll on your body”.

“The fuck you mean by trauma Red” he asked in exasperation.

“Things like physical assault or abuse would be classed as physical trauma but how we react or feel afterwards can be called emotional or psychological trauma” Ian spoke evenly with care and consideration and it should have irked him but he somehow felt warm in the knowledge that Ian clearly knew shit about him and was attempting to thread very carefully.

“So because Terry liked to beat the shit out of me on a daily basis my brain is fucked up because it fucking makes me sad or some shit” he huffed out his response while looking away from Ian’s face.

“I mean I wouldn’t say it quite so eloquently myself….” Ian teased and it made Mickeys lips curl into a smile despite himself.

“Fuck you college boy” he said as he flipped him off again.

“But yes pretty much Mick. Look maybe you just think that all that shit was normal growing up, for you. Or maybe you don’t think it was such a big deal and you’ve tried to convince yourself that it’s behind you but clearly some part of you inside is screaming at you to recognise that that’s all bullshit. You can’t bury it Mick, you can’t just ignore it and hope it will go away, trauma doesn’t work like that”.

“What do you now about trauma anyway Red” he whispered, realising he sounded petty and small while he attempted to deflect, which was just one of his many defence mechanisms.

“Fine you wanna talk about me, we can do that. You know I’ve a disease called Bipolar right, when I was 16/17 I was starting to get sick, really sick but I didn’t know and so I was un medicated which meant I had these extreme moods, crazy highs followed by crazy lows. Sometimes I would be paranoid, see shit or believe shit that wasn’t real. Other times I’d get hyper sexual and fuck anything that moved, often without rubbers and even more often when I was coked out of my mind” Ian paused and looked over his face and Mickey felt his breathe hitch at hearing all of this information coming at him “there were occasions where I woke up naked and injured and I had no memory of what had happened” Ian sighed and looked down and Mickey felt his heart sink. He didn’t need him to elaborate, he got the full picture, as ugly and as dark as it was.

“Anyway my family eventually got me committed and I fought the diagnoses for a while, kept trying to run away and I was stable for awhile. Until my mom came back…..”

“Ian you don’t need to tell me all this shit, especially not to prove a point, I know I’m a fucking asshole about all this shit but I’ll fucking try ok”.

Mickey felt something that seemed a lot like guilt inside him, as if he had pushed Ian to share some of his own “trauma” just so Mickey would trust him and open up to him. Fuck, he really was an asshole.

“It’s fine. I’ve dealt with it Mick. That’s the thing, I still have all the memories and the feelings but I don’t let it take over anymore, I accept it and I own it but I don’t let it control me, not anymore”.

“How did you….”

“How did I do it” Ian interjected, as if he was reading his mind “work Mick, lots of hard work, therapy, meds, reflection, distraction, finding a purpose in life, wasn’t just one thing and its on-going work”.

“Fuck, sounds like a lot” he sighed, feeling genuinely overwhelmed.

“It is, not gonna lie to you and it takes a long time. Imagine you fucked up your leg in a car accident, you’d have to go to physical therapy for a while right, learn how to walk again”.

“Nah, can’t afford that shit, probably just get Iggy or Colin to chop it off” he teased and took comfort in the grin that swept across Ian’s face.

“Seriously Mick….anyway” Ian raised his eyebrow at him “so imagine your brain is fucked up….”

“Yeah don’t need to imagine that shit Ian but continue….” He smirked and waved his hand.

“Asshole” Ian chuckled before finally continuing “so your brain needs retraining right, like with physical therapy, that’s what we do here, it’s not just talking about feelings but its figuring shit out, understanding it better but also learning to control our bodies instead of the other way around like with breathing techniques or distraction methods and other stuff like that”.

“Breathing techniques?” he asked, as far as he knew he was breathing at the minute so what’s this fancy shit Ian’s talking about.

“Close your eyes”.

“The fuck Red”.

“Stop being a pussy and just do it” Ian said with a smirk and Mickey chuckled lightly.

Ian was about the only person on the planet that could call him that and remain in one piece but it was solely because he was aware that Ian somehow used it in a fucked up affectionate way, as if it was almost a nickname or a personal joke between them.

“Ok so I want you to breathe through your nose for a count of 4 seconds and then hold that breathe for 7 seconds, like this”.

Mickey giggled as Ian demonstrated how to breathe apparently.

“Fucks sake Mick can you act like a mature adult for 5 minutes please” Ian said, his eyes still closed but a wide grin taking over his face.

“Jesus fine, teach me how to breathe Red” he chuckled as he closed his eyes and followed the sound of Ian’s voice.

“Ok and then after the 7 seconds are up you need to exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. Like this”.

Mickey decided to remain quiet even though he was bursting to say something smart but instead he found himself breathing in sync with Ian again and they continued like that for a few minutes.

“Shit that feels weird” he said after they had opened their eyes and were looking at each other again.

“Yeah that’s cos your body isn’t use to all that oxygen Mick but it if you practice that a few times a day every day you won’t feel like that, you will feel better though and if you start to feel anxious or stressed try and remember it. The deep breathing just slows everything down, stops it all getting out of control you know”.

“Not just the attacks…..I get these nightmares too….kinda like flashbacks but sometimes they’re fucked up like twisted memories, not exact memories you know” he mumbled and he didn’t know if was the weird fancy breathing but he felt more relaxed and calm and just felt the urge to talk to Ian, to unload.

“I think you have PTSD Mick, from talking to Mandy and from some of the shit I know happened it’s not surprising that you’re having flashbacks and night terrors”.

“Isn’t PTSD like what soldiers get or whatever”

“Anyone can get it Mick. It can make you feel angry, upset, on edge, jumpy, aggressive and alert, although we call it hypervigilance, basically means being on high alert all the time or on guard”.

“Shit Red, sounds fucking familiar” he mused and laughed dryly while he ran is hands down his face.

“Yeah Mick but doesn’t mean you have to feel like that forever” Ian replied gently, his green eyes catching his blue ones.

“Yeah but that means having to talk about it all Ian and fuck” he was feeling the panic building inside “I just…..I can’t Ian….it’s too much….it’s not just what Terry did to me….it’s what he made me do”.

“It’s ok Mick, I get that you’re not ready and you’ll have to go slow, talk a little bit at a time, you can’t risk getting flooded, I mean overloaded” Ian paused to look at him softly again, in that way that makes Mickey almost melt “but I’m here whenever you want to start and anything you say won’t leave this room, no one would ever know…..not even Mandy ok, I promise”.

He locked eyes with him and knew in his heart that Ian meant every word, that he was telling Mickey he could truly trust him and so he felt one step closer not only to Ian but one step closer to finally ridding himself of the darkness that was weighing him down from the inside out.

Chapter Text

“I cannot take this anymore

Saying everything I’ve said before

All these words, they make no sense

I find bliss in ignorance”

Mickey was nearing the end of his second week and he was unexpectedly enjoying his new routine and although he would never admit it out loud to anyone, especially Ian, he did feel a little bit calmer. He was enjoying creating art again and had started working out in the extensive state of the art gym. He looked better but more importantly he was starting to feel better. He figured it probably had more to do with the healthy gourmet meals he was eating and the severe lack of alcohol or drugs more than any emotional breakthrough however.

Sure Mickey talked every day with Ian and sure the patient red head pulled more out of him than anyone had ever managed to pull out of him his entire life to date. But he still hadn’t gone there yet, he just couldn’t. Sometimes he almost surrendered and almost spilled every last dark secret within him but he always managed to shut that urge down, the fear and shame winning out in the end.

The highlight of his week was always seeing those damn lovable dogs though. He never realised the effect a dog could have on him but he instantly felt himself sink into this state of sheer joy and contentment. Mickey would just feel calm and at ease and somehow would forget all of that shit in his brain, at least for a little while. He supposed it made sense though, he wasn’t a people person, Ian had been joking but he wasn’t wrong. Mickey never felt comfortable around people, he never felt clever enough or educated enough to hold a conversation, he had serious trust issues which meant he was always guarded and he just felt so fucked up and different that he couldn’t relate to most people, rather they couldn’t relate to him.

But with dogs he could just be himself, be dumb or silly or say stupid shit and they would just lay there looking at him with those big affectionate eyes. They didn’t require much in return either. It was a simple relationship, one on his level. There was a reason Mickey had never been with anyone for longer than it took to jerk off or come in someone’s mouth, he just couldn’t open himself up enough.

People always expected things, things he couldn’t give. He didn’t know how to love a person, he didn’t know how to support a person, he didn’t know how to put someone else first, be sensitive or offer advice or any of that shit. The only relationships he had seen growing up were complete disasters and he took some comfort in the fact that maybe it wasn’t entirely his fault for being such a mess, it’s not like his parents were good role models or any of the adults in his life for that matter.

Mickey had become acutely aware that when he was around Ian he felt different but in a good way. He felt as though he was finally being his true self whereas at home he had to put on a front all the time, even with his siblings. He had to play a role of protector and defender which meant he wore a mask and surrounded himself in false bravado. He had to take part in illegal shady shit in order to pay bills or buy groceries. He’d had to be a punching bag growing up so his sisters and brothers wouldn’t be. But it felt exhausting, pretending to be something that deep down he wasn’t, not fully anyway.

Sure he was tough and he didn’t take any shit, that was definitely a part of him but the rest, the thug who beat people up or terrorised them, the criminal, the homophobe, the local menace who people crossed the street to avoid, that didn’t feel like him. At least Mickey hoped it wasn’t him, he knew he didn’t want that to be all he was. None of it made him feel free like he felt when he laughed with Ian or walked a dog with him or how he felt when he created something beautiful on a canvas.

None of it made him proud either and Mickey had started to realise that it dragged him down, it made him feel lesser, like he was trash. He used to believe that he was trash, that he was fucked for life, that he could never have anything good in his life. But he had slowly started to want things, better things and more importantly he started to believe that maybe he deserved them. Like a friend. Ok so Ian was technically his counsellor but he knew in his heart there was more there and it felt like friendship, something that was alien to him, something he had never had before. Someone he could joke with, tease, talk about stupid shit with or more serious shit. Someone he felt he could trust and even open up to.

----

“So 2 weeks Mick, how does that make you feel” Ian asked in his usual professional and calm manner that somehow how the ability to throw him and amuse him in equal measure.

“I mean yeah, guess it feels good that I’m still here, that I didn’t run away like I wanted to that first day” he said with a soft laugh.

“Would you say you feel proud of yourself?” he asked, which caused Mickey to blush, he wasn’t good at thinking positively about himself and feeling proud was definitely something that he still had trouble with.

“I dunno, I’m not sure why I would feel proud” he shrugged.

“I mean do you feel proud of the progress you’ve made” Ian offered.

“Progress?”

“Yes progress Mick, improvements, changes, steps….” Ian prompted.

“I mean I don’t feel like I’ve done that much” he mumbled as he started to feel embarrassed and looked down at his lap.

“Mick” Ian said firmly which usually just meant “look at me” so he did just that.

“I know it’s hard for you to see what I see but you really have done so much in 2 weeks Mick. It’s not easy to change, even just joining a class or speaking to new people takes a lot of courage, especially when it’s not something you’re used to. I see how hard you’re trying even though it’s uncomfortable and strange and scary. That’s something you’re allowed to feel proud of”.

“I guess”

“No, not I guess, I want you to say it Mick”.

“The fuck Red”

“I want you to say it out loud that you’re proud of yourself” Ian said again, with that firm scolding type tone he gets when Mickey fights him on something.

“I can’t, fucking weird alright” he said as he felt his cheeks burn and that feeling of anxiety creeping up inside.

“Why is it weird Mick, it’s normal to feel proud when we do good and you said it yourself that it was good that you were still here, that you did good by not running away”.

Just like Ian to use his own words against him. He didn’t know why it was so hard to say positive things about himself especially when he had no problem putting himself down. He suddenly felt his eyes start to get wet and panicked at the thought that he might fucking cry in front of Ian over something that seemed so stupid.

“Fuck Ian…..just…..I can’t alright….just cos I do some stupid fucking classes or breathing exercises or share stupid shit in front of a group of strangers doesn’t mean I’m a good person alright….it doesn’t balance out all the fucking bad shit….doesn’t make up……”

He pushed his hands into his eyes and stuttered, unable to say anything else.

“Mick, it’s ok to feel proud for trying to change or trying to get better, you’re entitled to fucking take care of yourself which is what you’re doing. Or do you think that you don’t deserve to feel proud or feel better?”

“Maybe I don’t huh, maybe this is my punishment”.

He sighed and felt a tear fall down and tried desperately to hold the rest in.

“Jesus Mick” Ian sighed and he walked around to the front of his desk and pulled a spare chair over next to Mickey.

“I don’t think you really believe that” Ian said as he looked right at him.

“The fuck, I said it didn’t I, you don’t know shit”.

“If you really believed that you wouldn’t still be here Mick. You would have run away that first day, hell you could have left anytime but instead you show up to your classes and you participate, that’s not something you would do if you really believed that you were fucked for life”.

“Yeah well maybe I should leave huh, waste of fucking time anyway cos I’m still having fucking nightmares and anxiety attacks or whatever the fuck….” He grumbled as he folded his arms across his chest defensively as Ian shifted closer to him.

“You know why that is Mick” Ian said softly.

“Do I, maybe it’s cos you’re just some college nerd who wants extra credit for taking on the charity cases, maybe I need a real fucking shrink who’s actually qualified and knows what they’re doing”.

Fuck. He instantly wanted to take it back. He couldn’t even look at Ian and so he stood up and moved away from him, out of shame.

He jerked in surprise when instead of a shout or a punch he heard a deep laugh. He had no clue why Ian was laughing at what he had just said.

“You’re such a fucking asshole” Ian said while still laughing “I’m probably the only person on earth who would put up with your bratty ass for more than 5 minutes”.

“The fuck” he whispered, more to himself than Ian.

“This fucking pity party shit is getting real old Mick, the only person wasting your time here is you. Now do you wana keep this deflection shit up and take a few more shots at the one person in the room that actually gives a flying fuck about you or do you wanna sit your ass down and behave”.

Fuck. He found himself inhale sharply and not because he was furious and about to beat his ginger ass but because he felt impressed and maybe even a little turned on. Somehow when Ian calls him out on his bullshit he doesn’t go apeshit like he would with other people, no he always finds himself accepting defeat against a worthy opponent.

“Sorry” he mumbled as he slumped back down into his seat.

“You say something Mick” Ian said with a smirk as he moved his body closer to him.

“Fucks sake” he sighed “I’m very very sorry Ian” he replied in a loud and dramatic voice which caused Ian to chuckle.

Suddenly Ian stood up and walked to the door.

“Jesus Christ I said I was sorry for being an asshole ok” he said feeling slightly panicked that Ian had reached his breaking point and was officially throwing him out of his office.

“Apology accepted, now come on….” Ian said as he gestured for Mickey to follow him.

-----

“What we doing here Red” Mickey asked as he looked around the gym before Ian handed him a pair of boxing gloves “You fucking serious”.

“Deadly serious Mick” Ian said with a knowing smirk “figured you needed to let off some steam”.

Mickey chuckled and raised his eyebrow at Ian, wondering if this guy really knew what he was letting himself in for. Sure Ian had a few inches on him but Mickey had been fighting his whole life, he might not always fight fair or clean but he could hold his own. Instead of sparring however Ian held the large bag that was hanging in the centre of the floor and indicated for Mickey to go ahead.

“Cmon Milkovich, show me what you got” Ian said with a laugh as he held the bag tightly and cocked his head at him in a challenging manner.

Mickey smirked and laid into the punch bag as hard as he could, desperate to not show himself up in front of Ian, in fact he hoped that he could knock him on his ginger ass. However Ian was freakishly strong and Mickey was having a hard time causing him to budge at all. As he punched and jabbed he simply tired himself out and Ian remained steadfast against the bag, complete with a smug smirk on his face.

“You doing ok there Mick” Ian asked teasingly.

“Fuck you Red, I’m out of practice aright” he replied as he felt his cheeks burning and not from the exercise “Like you could do any better anyway”.

Ian released the bag and they switched positions and Mickey planted his feet and used his entire body to hold that bag steady. Fuck. Ian almost knocked him on his ass.

“Ok shit, enough Ian” he said after only a few minutes.

“You giving up already Mick” Ian said with that annoying smirk of his.

“The fuck is the point of this anyway, you want to prove you’re tougher than me or something, whatever, like I give a fuck, you wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes growing up in my life Ian”.

For some reason the fact that Ian was teasing him for giving up had struck a nerve. He also didn’t like that Ian could easily kick his ass, just another thing that he could hold over him.

“Why does everything have to be a huge conspiracy with you Mick, I just thought this would be a good way to relieve some stress and maybe have some fun too but I guess you just don’t allow yourself to have fun huh” Ian said sarcastically as he moved into his personal space.

“Ok back the fuck up alright” he said as he pushed back on Ian’s chest with his still gloved hands “maybe I just don’t need to have some ginger know it all fuck telling me what I can and can’t do huh”.

“Or maybe you need someone to tell you what to do so you won’t keep fucking up” Ian said as he pushed back on his chest now.

“The fuck you just say to me” Mickey shouted, feeling his entire body vibrate in anger.

“You heard me, maybe you’re right, maybe you are just a piece of south side trash who’s fucked for life” Ian said as he got right up in his face now.

Mickey didn’t reply, not with words anyway. He just reacted on pure instinct and caught Ian right in the jaw. Before he knew it Ian had punched back and they were practically wrestling as they jabbed each other’s bodies. Ian was using his strength to push mickey back until he fell backwards with Ian landing on top of him. Ian managed to use his legs to pin Mickey’s arms to the ground as he sat on top of him.

“Get the fuck off me Ian, I mean it” Mickey shouted as he tried to buck him off.

“Nah think I’ll wait until you stop being a brat Milkovich” Ian said with a smirk.

Fuck Ian was heavy and warm and smelt fucking amazing, a mixture of his usual citrus and mint scent mixed with sweat. Mickey was painfully aware of how close Ian’s crotch was to his face and he forced himself not to blush or glance down. They stared at each other for a minute or two, just breathing in silence.

“You done” Ian asked eventually.

“You say that like I started it” Mickey said sarcastically as he locked eyes with the red head.

“Ok, I admit I may have poked the angry bear just to see what he’d do” Ian chuckled lightly.

“Yeah well now you know, say shit like that to me again and I won’t go so easy on you” Mickey replied but he couldn’t help the grin that started to form on his lips.

Ian eased himself up and took off his gloves before reaching down to help Mickey up.

“Let’s take a walk” Ian suggested and so, like he always seemed to do, he followed the annoying but mesmerising red head.

----

“Shit that’s good” Mickey said as he took a deep drag from the joint that Ian had just handed him.

“Yeah don’t tell anyone about this or I’ll definitely get fired” Ian laughed as he took the joint back and took a hit himself.

The two men had walked for a bit before sitting down in the same spot where they had sat with Cooper.

“So you said all that shit on purpose huh” Mickey said, as he finally understood what Ian had been doing.

“Yeah, wanted to see if you’d stand up for yourself, see if you had any fight left in you, guess you do” Ian said affectionately as he smiled over at him.

“What would you have done if I’d just agreed with you or fucking cried or some shit” Mickey chuckled.

“Quit” Ian replied with a chuckle of his own “guess I thought it was a risk worth taking, wanted to make you see that you’re not all of those things, I know you say them and I know you think them sometimes but your actions in there just proved that you don’t believe them”.

“What do you mean”?”

“Well you tell me, what did you feel when I said it?”

“I dunno, fucking pissed I guess” he muttered in response with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Why do you think you were pissed Mick?”

“Cos like you were saying all this shit about me and I thought fuck this guy, like you have no right to or whatever”.

“And did you think I was wrong or did it make you feel angry or upset that I would think those things about you” Ian asked gently.

“Fuck yeah I thought you were wrong and yeah it fucking hurt that you thought all that shit about me cos I thought you saw me as more than that”.

Mickey spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper. His thoughts and feelings about what had happened earlier had just crept up on him. He realised 2 important things, one was that he didn’t want to feel like a fuck up anymore and the second thing was that he really didn’t want Ian to see him as a fuck up.

“Just so you know Mick I see as you a lot more than that, a hell of a lot more. I’m sorry that it hurt you when I said it but fuck I just needed you to see that it’s all bullshit, all this stuff you keep telling yourself. Your reaction in the moment, that’s the truth Mick, that’s what you really feel. That you’re not trash or a fuck up and people who say that about you are assholes….who deserve to get their asses handed to them” Ian looked in his eyes and smiled at him reassuringly.

“So you’re admitting you’re an asshole then” Mickey said with a deep chuckle.

“Takes one to know one bitch”

----

A few days later and Mickey found himself in group therapy again, surrounded by another set of relative strangers. It was bad enough having to speak to Ian about his feelings and shit but this was still the part he hated most about being in this place. Ian kept trying to explain to him that sharing with others is supposed to be a freeing experience and it should help you feel supported but he still just felt embarrassed and judged.

“So today I want to start off with some check in questions” Ian said after the group had introduced themselves again. He went around the circle asking people about their week so far, asking them to highlight one good thing that had happened and one bad thing.

Although he still found these exercises somewhat ridiculous he found himself listening intently and keeping his smart ass comments to himself. He wondered briefly if Ian’s polite and considerate nature was starting to rub off on him.

“Mickey, your turn” Ian said and Mickey’s attention came back into focus.

“Um well Mike, the guy that runs the dog shelter said I could volunteer with him when I get outta here so I guess that’s good” Mickey paused and felt his cheeks blush as Ian smiled proudly at him “and well I said some shitty things to a friend because I was being a dick, so I guess that’s something bad”.

He caught Ian smile wider and he felt himself get warm inside, maybe it was the fact that he called Ian his friend and he didn’t seem to mind or maybe it was because Ian seemed to be once again proud of him.

“Well Mickey you know it’s a really good thing that you recognise what you said and want to take responsibility for that, is that something you’ve done before” Ian said and Mickey noticed the slight smug grin on his face.

“No, I mean I suppose I never really cared enough about anyone, if I said shit that was hurtful or whatever I wouldn’t even think twice about it” He shrugged and immediately registered what he had just admitted, not only to Ian but to the rest of the group.

Thankfully they didn’t know who he was referring to. Mickey noticed Ian’s cheeks turning pink now and his green eyes locked on his blue ones for a moment before he cleared his throat and got back to his class.

“One more check in question for the group, starting with Mickey, what is one thing you are grateful for right now?”

Once again Mickey and Ian seemed to be getting lost in each other eyes, forgetting about the rest of the group. He knew what his real answer was, the one that sprang to mind straight away but he couldn’t say it out loud so instead he went with the next best thing.

“Uh family” he stuttered and saw something flash across Ian’s face for a second, something that looked like disappointment or surprise, maybe both. He wanted so badly to let Ian know that Mickey had started to consider him as part of his family or at least a part of his inner circle, which was a pretty small circle when he thought about it. He literally only trusted a handful of people in this world but he couldn’t deny that Ian was now one of those.

“Why are you grateful for them” Ian prompted as Mickey had apparently gotten lost in his head again.

“For having my back, I mean I know growing up they couldn’t always have my back the way they wanted but that wasn’t their fault but I know that they care about me and I’m here because of them so”.

He felt himself still at the realisation that his words were loaded. He didn’t just mean here as in this place but he meant here at all as in he was alive because of them and he had to fight back the tears that were starting to build behind his eyes.

“Well in that case I’m grateful for them too” Ian said softly before changing the subject and carrying on with the group discussions but Mickey couldn’t really take any of it in as he found himself utterly lost in the red head sitting next to him.

----

“So Mick, I wana talk about your family more” Ian said as they sat opposite each other later that evening.

“Fucking course you do” Mickey replied but with less bite than before.

“You said that you’re here because of them, what did you mean by that?”

Well shit. Ian was getting right to it and Mickey’s heart started to thump inside his chest. He knew that Ian knew of course, Mandy would’ve had to tell him but he naively thought he could avoid this conversation forever. He took a deep breath and figured he should bite the bullet, no pun intended.

“You know why Ian” he mumbled and looked away.

“Why Mick, tell me in your own words”

Mickey rolled his eyes at Ian before answering “because they called you, that’s why I’m here cos they were afraid and fucking upset or whatever and yeah I fucking get it ok, I get it Red”.

“What do you get” Ian prompted again.

“Fuck Ian, you like to keep pushing don’t you” he sighed before biting his lip in nervousness.

“Kinda my job Mick” Ian said with a smile as he cocked his head.

“I get why they freaked out. Shit if they had done…..what I done….yeah I’d be fucking pissed too….would’ve dragged their asses here until they got their shit together”.

He felt his heart thumping faster and his breath hitch as he realised he was skirting around the real topic, the one he knew Ian wouldn’t leave alone because he couldn’t, he knew that Ian was right and he needed to face it but it didn’t mean that he felt ready or brave enough.

“Mick, what…..”

“Fucks sake Ian, don’t ask what I did, you and I both know what the fuck I did ok” he muttered quietly feeling shame and embarrassment wash over him.

“Sure Mick, I admit Mandy told me about that night but it’s not just about that night is it, there were other incidents, you’ve been spiralling for a long time now. I was going to ask you what you think pushed you to the edge that night?”

Ian caught him off guard with changing the direction of the conversation. He figured it’s because Ian realised he was pushing too hard head on and was now attempting to find a different route which would hopefully end up at the same destination. Clever ginger fucker. Mickey almost admired his determination and patience.

“I found out Terry had died and fuck I don’t know it’s like something snapped inside and I just needed to fucking forget everything, just fucking make it all stop” he replied softly.

“Make what stop Mick”

“The fucking shit in my head, like the thoughts and memories and images, even the sounds… like I can still hear shit or even fucking smell shit, sounds fucked up I know” he shook his head as he realised how nuts he sounded. He knew what he was feeling but it was hard to explain to others.

“It’s not fucked up at all Mick, what you’re describing is pretty common with PTSD, it’s called triggering. A sound or smell can remind you of something, in your case something that’s happened in your past and it’s scary I know cos it can feel very real when your mind starts reliving these moments.”

Mickey stared in awe at Ian. His words weirdly comforted him even though it meant he really was sick in the mind. He wanted to believe that what he had was just grief or depression or something like that but Ian seemed to really understand him and so he finally believed that what he was telling him was real, that he had a very real mental health condition called PTSD.

“It’s things like blood or the smell of metal, you know like that gunpowder smell or whatever…shit it makes me start remembering….even though I try so hard not to” he mumbled, feeling emotional now but also like he was finding it hard to stop unloading.

“Hey it’s ok Mick, we can take a break or talk about something else for awhile, you’ve done really great so far”.

Mickey waived his hand almost in frustration at Ian trying to now stifle him, he was finally talking and he knew if he stopped now he may not ever get going again.

“Shit Ian, I don’t know if I can but I need to try….if I don’t get it out now, then fuck, I don’t know if I ever will” he exclaimed as he felt his breath hitch again.

“Ok Mick, I understand. Why don’t you tell me about that day, when you found out about Terry and you said something snapped, what did you mean by that?”

“I dunno like I hated him you know but then I felt sort of sad when Mandy told me he was dead which made me so fucking mad, at myself….. like how the fuck could I be sad that he was gone after everything he had done. I was mad at myself and him and everyone, so I just took off and yeah…”

He trailed off not wanting to go there quite yet, he wasn’t sure exactly how much Ian knew and was following his lead in this. He recognised how he felt comforted and safe by Ian taking control in the conversation, as if he was allowing him the time and space he needed.

“You know it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about the death of someone we know even if we don’t like them or even love them, we are entitled to have mixed emotions Mick, sometimes we don’t understand why we feel things and that’s ok too. Humans are complex and so are our emotions”.

“Nothing complex about it Ian, hate his fucking guts and wished him dead myself so many times. Fucking fantasised about it, even came close a few times. Believe me I’m happy the fucker is dead”.

“Ok so why do you think you reacted like that?”

“You’re the shrink, you tell me, fuck if I know” he shrugged, genuinely a t a loss to explain why he did what he did that night.

“Ok, well I think you were upset because you never got any closure for all the shit he put you through, you never got any validation from him either and even though he was a piece of shit he was still your father and as his son you craved his approval, like most sons do. I think it hit you that he was really gone which meant you won’t ever get to say all the things you wished you’d said to him or get answers to all the questions you still have. And ultimately it made all the trauma he inflicted on you seem pointless considering he’s gone but you’re still here and having to relive it over and over and over again”

Mickeys head was spinning and he felt his anxiety creeping up, “fuck” he breathed out as he took in everything Ian had just said. A part of him wanted to lash out, deny it and deflect like usual but he couldn’t because he knew it was all true. Ian saw him, really saw him and had just affirmed everything he had been desperately trying to ignore for so long.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore Ian” he found himself saying as he pushed his fists into his eyes.

“Do what Mick”

“Live” he sighed and the sobbed and he couldn’t hold it in anymore, not just the tears but the truth “I couldn’t live with the memories anymore, the guilt and the hatred and the anger. I was just so tired of it all and even though Terry was dead I couldn’t escape what he’d done and what I’d done”.

“But you’re alive Mick, you did live” Ian whispered as he came and sat next to him.

“Only cos of Iggy and Colin….shit if they hadn’t grabbed the gun off me….I almost shot Mandy Ian….a round went off….the one that was in the chamber….that was meant for me….but it went off right next to her….I didn’t want to hurt anyone else I just saw the gun sitting there on the table and I was so fucked from the coke and the booze…I was just messing around like playing Russian roulette or whatever…..” he trailed off from his ramblings when he felt Ian wrap his arm around his shoulder, grounding him once again.

“All I was thinking was I could end it you know, just pull that trigger and I’d be free”

“Is that what you were thinking in the car that night too” Ian asked and Mickey raised his eyes to look at him, shame and guilt once again creeping over him.

“Yes” he whispered “I told Mandy I skidded but I saw the tree and swerved right into…..guess I was lucky the car had an airbag huh”

He laughed a dry sarcastic sort of laugh as he wiped his eyes. He felt Ian squeeze his shoulder gently and he relaxed into it the touch.

“Do you feel lucky to be alive Mick?”

He looked at Ian for a moment, taking in his beautiful open and kind face, with his delicate freckles, natural smile and big green eyes.

“Yeah Ian, feel pretty damn lucky right now”.

Chapter Text

“Love in, love out, find the feeling

Scream in, scream out, time for healing”

It was Mickey’s last day at the facility and he was pretty astounded that he had lasted this long and not only that but actually felt like it hadn’t been a complete waste of time. Despite his cynical outlook he had found himself practicing some of the tools he had learned such as the daily breathing techniques and using art as a distraction when he felt his anxiety creeping up.  He had kept in touch with Mike at the shelter and had arranged to drop by the following week also.

After his conversation about the “incident” with Ian he felt relieved as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Sure there was so much more shit floating around inside his head and maybe one day he might talk about that with Ian too but it was a start and something about that felt like progression, that word the red head liked to use a lot. However he couldn’t help thinking about what would happen once he left, would he and Ian still talk, would Ian feel his job was done or where they friends now?

“So how are you feeling Mick, about getting out of here” Ian asked with his typical boyish smile as they sat in the office for the last time.

“I dunno, is it weird that I’m nervous or like a little bit freaked out” Mickey replied softly as he rubbed his nose.

“Not at all, it’s pretty normal Mick, I felt the same way” Ian said casually but his eyes darted away as though he had just realised he said something he hadn’t intended to say.

“Uh what do you mean Ian” Mickey asked as he shifted forward in his seat.

Ian looked at him and was clearly anxious, he sighed before speaking “I didn’t tell you before Mick because I didn’t want to distract from your care, I thought if I told you everything that you wouldn’t trust me because your image of me would be tainted….”

Ian trailed off and Mickey thought he looked upset which was actually a bit unsettling considering Ian always seemed confident and in control, almost to a fault.

“I don’t understand Ian, what didn’t you tell me” he asked, his voice full of softness and concern, which surprised him.

“I told you before about how I was in the hospital and my family were trying to help get me stable” Ian looked at him and he nodded his acknowledgment “so I was on these meds for about 6 months and was starting to feel better, I mean I kinda hated the way I felt but I wasn’t manic or low, I was stable at least…..that’s when Monica, my mom turned up again and we were always close you know and now we shared this disease, guess she just got in my head….we would go out to clubs and party and I wasn’t taking care of myself anymore….then…fuck….”

Ian looked away again and Mickey knew he was close to tears and his heart sank. He didn’t care what Ian was about to tell him, it didn’t matter, he wasn’t one to judge and it wouldn’t change how he had helped Mickey either.

“I was the one who found her….lying on the kitchen floor…..blood everywhere….she took a knife to her wrists right there…..I tried to save her but fuck…..”

It was a strange feeling, to watch Ian fall apart in front of him like this. He knew he had experienced some shit in his past too but this was on a whole other level. Mickey wasn’t sure he knew what to say or do but his instinct was to reach out and take his hand in his. He felt Ian squeeze his hand back as he inhaled deeply.

“I kinda lost it after that again. I mean before the hospital I was bad but I think I was worse after mom…..it was about a month later when I decided I’d had enough….well to be honest I don’t think I was thinking anything….I was just on a downward spiral, so low I wouldn’t get out of bed….kept flushing the meds Fiona would get for me….until that day when I didn’t flush them…..figured maybe I’d swallow them instead….all of them…..”

“Fuck Ian” Mickey exhaled his reply, his voice barely audible.

Ian wiped his eyes before closing them and he started to breathe in slowly and deeply, an attempt at grounding himself Mickey guessed.

“Was lucky Fiona was so obsessed with checking on me every half hour” Ian laughed dryly.

“That doesn’t explain what you meant, I mean did you stay here Ian” Mickey asked, still feeling a bit confused.

“Yeah so Fiona’s boyfriend, well fiancé now, is Lloyds’ son…”

“No shit” Mickey exclaimed and Ian laughed softly.

“Jimmy, that’s his name, anyway Fiona begged them to help and even though I was only 17 Lloyd arranged a stay for me and he even helped me get into college. Then in my second year when I needed a work placement he hooked me up”.

Ian seemed calmer now and so Mickey reluctantly released his hand and sat back. They both locked eyes and blushed and Mickey felt a warm feeling deep in the pit of his stomach.

“Jesus Ian that’s, fucking, a lot” He said as he thumbed his lip thoughtfully “guess we’re both lucky we have family that gives half a shit huh”.

“Yeah. Funny thing is, I hated them for trying to fix me, thought I didn’t need fixing you know, I was such a fucking dick to them but they still fought for me and in the end, saved me”.

“Yeah well hate to break it to you but you’re still a dick Red” Mickey said with a smirk which resulted in Ian throwing a pen at his head.

“Takes one to know one bitch”

----

Mickey stood there awkwardly in front of Ian in the lobby. He had signed whatever forms needed signing and they had discussed his “care plan” again. He had to admit, it gave him a strange and unknown feeling inside to see Ian genuinely care so much about him, it wasn’t a feeling he had ever experienced before. Sure he and his siblings cared for each other in their own way but that’s because they had to, it was survival and obligation and responsibility. But this was different, Ian didn’t owe him anything yet Mickey knew he cared, for real and not simply because it was his job to.

“You ok Mick” Ian said gently as he looked down at him.

Mickey could sense something between them, as if they both wanted to say so much more or perhaps wanted to touch each other but they couldn’t.

“Yeah, I dunno it’s just…fuck, I’m scared Ian, I know what to expect in here you know and I….” he paused and locked eyes with the tall red head “I have you in here, you understand, I can talk to you, I don’t know how to talk to Mandy or my brothers, I don’t fucking have anyone, what if I get bad again”

He felt his eyes start to tear up and he sniffed before rubbing at them in an attempt to stop the flow.

Unexpectedly he felt Ian pull him into a tight hug and even more unexpectedly he allowed himself to sink right into his arms and his chest.

“You got this Mick, you do” he heard Ian whisper into his ear, his lips brushing against his skin in the process “what you’ve done in here you can do outside but you have to commit to it ok, keep on track with your plan, keep busy, don’t settle back into old habits”.

Ian pulled away and he sighed at the loss of contact “Look at me Mick, you don’t need anyone else because you’re so fucking strong and brave….you’re a survivor, have been your entire life so I know you’ll keep fighting…..but you still have me, I’m not going anywhere”.

Hearing Ian’s last words, the confirmation he needed that this wasn’t the end of them, whatever they were, gave him the peace of mind and confidence he needed to turn around and walk out to where his siblings were waiting. But not before he pulled Ian into one final hug. He held on tightly as he felt Ian’s large hand run up the back of his neck and he felt himself inhale deeply, committing the red heads scent to memory.

“Later Red”

----

The car journey was silent. He was feeling too much and didn’t feel like talking about it to anyone. Well anyone but Ian. He caught Mandy glancing at him a few times with a shy smile on her face and he knew that she was just concerned and curious but it irked him.

Being back at the Milkovich house was even worse. There were too many memories the second he walked through that door. His siblings hovered and were abnormally quiet which caused him to suddenly erupt.

“Jesus Christ, I’m not made of fucking glass or whatever, not gonna break so you can all stop acting weird”.

“Cmon Mick, you know Iggy can’t help acting weird” Colin said with a grin and Mickey couldn’t help but laugh, especially at the delayed reaction on Iggy’s face.

“Fuck you Col” Iggy said as he shoved his brother playfully.

And just like that the Milkovich siblings settled back into their usual groove of sibling banter and teasing. He noticed Mandy watching him more carefully than usual and he understood. She was probably the most emotional or caring of them all, which wasn’t saying much and he knew she just wanted to ask questions but thankfully she held back for the moment. He would most likely talk to her about what had happened but tonight he just wanted to eat pizza and hang out like old times.

That night he tossed and turned in his old bed which seemed unfamiliar and uncomfortable now. He picked up his phone and scrolled through the contacts until he came to his most recent one. He hesitated before throwing his phone out of arms reach.

It was too soon, way too soon. He wanted Ian to feel that Mickey could do this, by himself. He didn’t want to come across like a scared little bitch who couldn’t function for less than 24 hours without him. Instead he practised his deep breathing and read over his care plan while making a conscious decision not to fuck this up.

The next day he showered and dressed immediately, realising that the less time he spent in that house the better. Maybe in time he could move out and the thought of having his own place filled him with a sense of pride but also a bit of fear. He had never lived alone and he was used to noise and chaos so he wasn’t sure how he would deal with all of that solitude and responsibility.

First things first though, he needed to go see a man about a dog.

----

The building didn’t look like much from the outside, just a standard warehouse style building but it was bigger than he expected. The inside was a different story though. It was bright and open plan with kennels running along all the walls, there were even play areas with obstacle courses and toys. Mickey instantly felt himself perk up, almost feeling giddy with anticipation. The dogs erupted at his presence, with yelps and cries coming from all corners of the building aimed at the new stranger that had just come into their territory.

“Don’t worry, they’re mostly all big puppy dogs” came the voice from towards the back door, which appeared to lead to a large outside space or garden.

“Hey Mike, how’s it going” Mickey greeted the large tattooed man.

 Mike was one of those men who you could tell instantly had an “interesting” or “colourful” past. His dark skin was adorned with tattoos and Mickey could tell that some of them were definitely prison tattoos while others were possibly gang related. But he had an open friendly face and a smile that reached right up to his brown eyes.

“Going good my man, how’s it feel to be out again”.

Mickey laughed at how it always sounded vaguely like he had just been released from prison and he guessed in some ways it was similar, except that he felt actually rehabilitated for real this time around.

“Weird but good, better now” Mickey replied as he looked around.

“You sure you want to do this Mickey, it’s hard work and I can only take on volunteers, I’m relying on charity donations and government grants you know” Mike asked.

“I’m sure, need to keep myself busy “he shrugged “plus I kinda like their energy” he smiled as he looked over the various faces peeking out from their kennels.

“Right then, this way” Mike said with a grin as he gestured with his hands for Mickey to follow him.

The next few hours whizzed by in a flurry of instructions and activity. He was given the rundown on what his duties would be which were basically feeding, cleaning and walking the dogs and maintaining the kennels. He found out more about Mike and how he had come to run this shelter. While he was in prison a few years previous he had the opportunity to take part in an animal therapy program and found his calling, as he put it. Mickey thought it sounded cheesy but he got it, there was something special about dogs and he felt it too.

On his release he started volunteering himself and enrolled in an online course so that he would be qualified in dog training and animal care. He located the building which was run down and needed a lot of work and so he set about raising enough money to pay for a couple of months’ rent and some basic repairs. He did a lot of the work himself and had the help from friends or family members too. Mike had even converted a space upstairs into a small apartment to live in as he was separated from his wife, who had custody of their kid.

It took some time but eventually he got his non-profit organisation up and running. He had to rely primarily on volunteers and the  good will of the community but it seems even those with very little were always willing to give, whether it be their time or money.

He had a handful of volunteers, mostly students, who did what Mickey would be doing and then he had a part time volunteer who helped in the office with book keeping and all the other legal shit. They even had merchandise that they sold on their website, the likes of t shirts and mugs and hats. Mickey was impressed with the set up; it was run efficiently like a proper business, not some local back yard shelter.

“See Mickey, the problem is humans. Humans not taking responsibility, not getting their dogs neutered, breeding them unnecessarily or for profit. We can’t keep up with demand and it’s not just us, every shelter is over flowing and some have had to close their doors” Mike explained as they finished up with cleaning the last of the kennels.

“So what happens to the rest of the dogs, the ones that aren’t here or taken in” Mickey asked but feeling like he unfortunately already knew the answer.

“Pound, put down” Mike said quietly “So many of them Mickey, every day”.

“Jesus” he whispered feeling unexpectedly upset at the thought of all these helpless dogs being killed for simply existing.

“So, you want one” Mike asked with a cheeky grin on his face.

“Fuck Mike, I dunno, I live in a dump with my siblings and I’m just getting my shit together” he mused and he knew already in his heart he wanted to just say yes and fuck the consequences.

“Think about it, no rush, we always have dogs” Mike laughed lightly as he patted him on the back.

He laughed too but at how surreal this moment was, working in a dog shelter with this huge intimidating looking man who was an ex criminal but also one of the softest mother fuckers he had ever met.

That night he did think about it, a lot. He thought about how he wanted something to look after, something he could care for, something that would help him feel a little less lonely and maybe even keep him warm at night on his tired old bed.

----

It was nearing the second day of his new “job” and Mickey was throwing himself into, well maybe not the picking up dog shit part but the rest, sure. He had a purpose again and one that wasn’t illegal or likely to get him jailed or killed. Yeah he needed to earn money but he still sold some weed on the side via his brothers so he was solid for a little while.

He even enjoyed being around people, which was probably a first. The volunteers were mostly young and passionate, perhaps a little earnest and preachy sometimes but for the most part they were cool. There was a girl named Celeste, she was 20 and was studying to be a Vet and although she had this hard ass no nonsense exterior shell she was really quite soft underneath.

Then there was Nate, he was 21 and a cocky little punk who talked too much but to be honest Mickey kinda liked that he didn’t give a fuck about what he or anyone else thought. He told Mickey one day that he started volunteering to meet chicks and Mickey just laughed thinking that it seemed about right. Nate seemed to spend most of this time flirting with Celeste even though she made it quite clear she was into chicks herself but Nate only took that as a “challenge”.

“Dude give it up, never gonna happen” Mickey chuckled as he shook his head at Nate.

“You never know” Nate shrugged before chuckling himself “Yeah ok, maybe you’re right”.

“Ya think” Mickey laughed as he raised his eyebrow at him while he continued to fill up the dog bowls with food.

“What about you Mickey” Nate asked causally as he filled up the water bowls.

“What ya mean” he mumbled in response as he continued with his task.

“You know, you got anyone, seeing anyone…..”

“Oh, uh, no, don’t really date or whatever….” He replied feeling his cheeks blush a little. Truth be told he’d never been on a date and the idea filled him equally with fear and excitement.

“You just hit it and quit it huh” Nate laughed while nudging his shoulder.

“Eh yeah, I guess” he muttered, unsure as to what else to say, he was hardly going to start explaining to this guy he just met yesterday that he was still mostly in the closet and only had a handful of sexual experiences to date.

While the kennels were being cleaned the dogs were free to roam outside where there was a large open space, which Mike had made secure with high fencing all around. It was mostly concrete when he took over the building but he had since laid some artificial grass and attempted to make it look more like a garden. There were more obstacle courses and Mike and his son Zak were taking some of the dogs through it.

Zak was Mikes only kid; he was 16 and had already started to feel the effects of growing up on the South Side. Mike hadn’t told Mickey much but he understood that Zak was being groomed by a local gang and had been busted previously for selling drugs. Mike was just lucky that he was only 15 at the time and it had just been weed and his first offence so he was let off lightly without doing any time.

But Mike knew it was only a matter of time before he would end up inside and he was already on his second chance. The justice system didn’t care much for sentiment when it came to South Side kids which Mickey knew all too well. They didn’t consider these kids’ futures or prospects like they did with other kids from more privileged areas, if you were caught then you got locked up where you belong, simple.

So Mike had started bringing Zak into the shelter hoping that the discipline and purpose it was providing would help straighten him out or at least keep him busy enough that he had no time to hang out on street corners.

Mickey was suddenly captivated by the dog that Mike was working with. It looked like a terrier cross with most likely a pitbull or similar breed in the mix. It was dark grey almost black with a white chest and a white patch around its nose but it was the eyes that caught his attention, these bright blue eyes.

“This is Ozzy” Mike said as he walked over to Mickey who had obviously been standing there staring.

The dog instantly sniffed Mickey before licking his hand and he knelt down so he could pet the dog better. He instantly felt the energy radiating off him, a pleasant mix of crazy and calm as if the he would be the type of dog that loved zoomies but equally would love to just chill on a comfy couch.

“Ozzy” Mickey quipped with a smirk.

“Sure, Black Sabbath man, don’t tell me you aint heard of em” Mike said while he raised his eyebrow at him.

“Course I have, Ozzy’s a fucking legend, just didn’t figure you for a metal head Mike” Mickey replied with a playful laugh.

“What, cos I’m black” Mike said with a straight face and Mickey felt his cheeks burn for a moment with embarrassment before Mike slapped his shoulder softly.

“Just fuckin with you, man your face” Mike chuckled and Mickey flipped him off.

“Dick” he said with a sigh as he thumbed his lip and eyed Mike before breaking into a smirk.

“Think he likes you” Mike said while he studied the two of them and Mickey couldn’t help but agree while thinking he felt the same way. He worried for a moment if bringing this dog home to that house and into his life which was still a bit of a mess was fair but the way those blue eyes seemed to smile at him made the decision an easy one.

“He’s available” Mickey asked while still looking at Ozzy rather than Mike.

“Yup just came in 2 weeks ago and he’s smart, mostly trained already, good recall and house broken”

Fuck it he thought to himself before smiling up at Mike and then whispering to his new best friend “guess you’re coming home with me buddy”.

----

It was a week since he left the clinic and he still felt that itch in his skin and had trigger fingers every time he picked up his phone. A part of him felt a bit deflated that Ian hadn’t contacted him but he also understood that he had left the ball in his court and was probably trying to remain professional also.

He was sitting on his bed on his day off, Sunday, feeling bored but content as Ozzy napped across his legs. It was a decent enough day for April and the sun was shining so he figured he would get out for some fresh air and exercise with Oz. However he felt himself compelled to pick up his phone once more and this time he didn’t stop his fingers.

Mickey (11.32am) Hey Ian, just wanted to say hi and thanks again for everything

He must have retyped the message a hundred times and almost felt himself getting stressed over a stupid text. “Fuck” he exhaled and Ozzy looked up at him with concern in his blue eyes which caused him to laugh, at himself and at how ridiculous he was being. So he pressed send before he could think any more about it.

He set about getting ready to head out, by having a quick shower, getting dressed and then grabbing up Ozzy’s lead and his wallet plus his phone. He was just heading out the door when he heard a ping.

Ian (12.01pm) Hey Mick, glad you texted, no need to thank me and hope you’re doing ok

He felt himself break into a huge grin as he looked down at his phone and he must have been standing there for some time before Ozzy brushed up against him impatiently.

“Sorry Oz, guess I got distracted huh” he mumbled as he rubbed the dogs ears.

He decided to bite the bullet and replied before heading out the door.

Mick (12.05pm) I’m good, you free today, wanna hang out?

Ian (12.06 pm) Yeah I am and yeah id like that :)

----

Mickey sat on the bench next to the food truck at the entrance to the park. He had sent Ian his location and was waiting nervously on the red head to arrive. He preoccupied himself with scratching and petting Ozzy until he noticed that vivid copper red hair in the distance. The tall mother fucker was hard to miss he thought as he laughed quietly to himself.

Holy shit he looked good as he saw him properly now as he closed the distance between them. He was wearing a long sleeved green button down top and dark denim jeans with a black leather jacket. But the radiant smile he was wearing was the best thing about the entire view.

“Hey” they said in unison which caused them both to blush and giggle, which he supposed help break the ice.

It was awkward at first as it appeared that maybe both of them were unsure whether they should hug or shake hands or fucking do a lame fist pump. However Ian helped Mickey get over his temporary anxiety by crouching down in front of Ozzy who he had completely forgotten to introduce.

“Shit yeah, this is Ozzy, just got him a few days ago” Mickey explained as Ian petted him gently.

“Wow you are beautiful Ozzy” Ian mumbled and Ozzy seemed to take to him instantly and was wagging his entire butt and licking Ian’s face.

“You got a dog Mick” Ian quipped with a smug smirk on his face and Mickey knew he was taking some sort of credit for the decision.

“Well you’re fucking observant aren’t ya Red” Mickey teased as he thumbed his bottom lip and eyed Ian.

Ian cocked his head and flipped him off before smirking back and they seemed to remain like that just smiling and staring at each other until Ozzy whined as he starting getting impatient again.

“Ok sorry bud, cmon” Mickey said and he gestured with his head for Ian to join them as they started walking into the park.

“So you get him from Mike’s place then” Ian asked after a moment of silence.

“Yeah been helping out there this past week” he replied softly.

“That’s great Mick, he’s a good guy”.

“Yeah he is, just feels good to be busy and have some sort of purpose you know” he mused.

“Yeah I get it, I don’t do so well either when I’m bored or sitting around, I need something to focus on or my mind gets a bit” Ian made a circular motion against his head with is fingers as if to say “crazy” and Mickey laughed at his goofy ass.

“How is that going, I mean the bipolar thing” Mickey asked gently.

“Good, I just have to monitor myself like my moods or behaviour; can be exhausting you know like second guessing myself all the time but I need to be in tune with my body to catch any changes”

“Jesus that does sound exhausting” he chuckled “guess I understand though, I mean not totally obviously but my minds still messed up, probably always will be and I don’t exactly trust myself either most of time, always doubting myself”.

They locked eyes for a moment before they both looked away and Ian’s cheeks were as pink as his.

“How are you Mick, I mean really” Ian said and his voice sounded more intense and serious now.

“I’m good Ian, I mean well I’m better than I was, haven’t had an attack since I got home” he said and Ian beamed at him with pride which made his stomach flutter “been doing that fancy breathing shit” he chuckled and Ian chuckled in return while rolling his eyes at him “and well this guy has definitely helped too”.

“Yeah I can imagine, I’m jealous” Ian said as he tickled behind Ozzy’s ears who looked at him affectionately and Mickey thought, me too buddy, me too.

----

“So how’s college and work going” Mickey asked through a mouthful of hot dog, as they sat and ate at the same bench they had met at an hour earlier.

“Yeah fine, back to working part time at the clinic again and my last ever semester will be finished soon” Ian smiled enthusiastically.

“That bad huh” Mickey laughed dryly in response.

“Nah I mean college is ok but it’s hard juggling everything and I’ve never been the most academic person….”

“Really” Mickey exclaimed in disbelief “you’re like the nerdiest person I know Red”

“Fuck you” Ian chuckled while he shoved him playfully causing Mickey to drop what was left of his dog on the ground.

“Really Red” he said while raising his eyebrow at Ian.

“Sorry” Ian shrugged “least Ozzy is happy”.

They both chuckled as they watched the dog devour the fallen remains of Mickey’s lunch.

“I was serious though, barely graduated high school especially after my whole going crazy shit” Ian laughed softly “Lip is the brains in our family, I just get by”.

“Don’t think you give yourself enough credit Ian, you’re so fucking smart, just cos someone gets a fancy education or straight A’s or degrees or whatever the fuck doesn’t mean they’re smart and most fuckers don’t have to deal with all the shit you or I have had to deal with, they’ve breezed through life, so yeah you’re not just smart but a tough mother fucker too”.

Mickey couldn’t help but catch Ian’s eyes and smiled at him affectionately before he predictably felt his cheeks grow hot and was forced to look away.

“That’s weirdly the nicest thing anyone’s every said to me Mick” Ian said sarcastically but his eyes told a different story, they were soft and happy and affectionate.

“Fuck you” Mickey said jokingly while flipping him off “and you’re welcome”.

“I gotta get going” Ian said suddenly while he stood up and Mickey surprisingly felt his heart sink a little “Got a paper due next week and stuff to do for work too”.

“Sure yeah” Mickey said shyly as he stood awkwardly before the tall red head.

“I’d like to see you again though Mick” Ian said quietly as he took a step closer to him, invading his personal space.

“Course, yeah, I’m working at the shelter during the day but nothing much else going on” Mickey replied while thumbing his bottom lip nervously.

“Cool, I’ll text you then” Ian said as he smiled down at him. For a moment he thought Ian was looking at him like he wanted to kiss him but instead he reached down and pulled him into a hug, which was unexpected but most welcome.

“So glad you’re ok Mick” Ian whispered and his voice sent shivers down Mickey’s spine, as too did the feeling of his strong body against his.

“Thanks again Ian” he mumbled and Ian pulled away so they could lock eyes again.

“Just doing my job…..”

“No, no, you weren’t” he interjected “and I get that Ian, I appreciate it, I really do, not sure I really let you know how grateful I am, you fucking went out of your way for me like no one’s ever done before and you didn’t even know me, I still don’t really understand why you did but I just need you to know that it fucking means a lot”.

For some reason it just hit him how much Ian had done for him, a relative stranger. He had re arranged his life for him, dedicated an entire month of his time and energy to him, Mickey Milkovich. Not just that but he too had bared his soul in the way Mickey had which meant that Ian had trusted Mickey equally.

“You know I don’t really understand it myself Mick but I just felt compelled to, sounds weird, call it instinct or intuition or whatever but I just knew I needed to help you”.

Ian reached up and brushed his cheek delicately and at first his body wanted to jerk way considering he was in public and this was a man that was touching him but he took a breathe and fought against those deep rooted insecurities and allowed Ian to trace his skin with his fingers.

“I know we didn’t exactly meet under the best of circumstances” Ian laughed “but I’m glad we did”.

“Yeah me too Red, I mean at least something good came out of all that bullshit right”.

He smirked and thumbed his lip again as his eyes met Ian’s once more.

Ozzy decided to nudge Ian with his nose right at the moment, breaking them out of their moment.

“Think there was more than one good thing Mick” Ian said with a soft smile as he rubbed Ozzy’s head.

Mickey just nodded as he took in the image of those 2 good things, very good things indeed. Until recently he had wondered what the point was, he wondered why he went through so much shit and felt all the terrible things he felt, he questioned if any of it was really worth it.

Standing there he was starting to see the point, if he had to go through everything he had in order to be right there in that moment, with this beautiful man smiling at him and his dog like that, well he thought maybe it might just be worth it after all.

Chapter Text

“This is my sense of reality

This is proof of my coming of age

This is truth in captivity

This is losing a theology”

“Hey Mike, you alright” Mickey asked his boss who was sitting in the office looking stressed and worried.

“Yeah Mick” he sighed while pinching between his eyes “Zak didn’t show up today, called his mother but he’s not answering his phone to her either”.

“Fuck, you think he’s with those guys again” he asked cautiously.

“Shit, I fucking hope not. Look I’m gonna head out for a bit, drive around, see if I can find him” Mike replied as he gathered up his things.

“Is there anything I can do” he offered hesitantly.

He only knew Mike a few weeks but he did care about him and about Zak too. He was a good kid but he reminded Mickey of himself at that age and not in a good way. He thought he knew it all, was cocky, felt he had something to prove and in the south side that could prove to be very dangerous.

“Just keep an eye on things, especially Nate” Mike chuckled lightly “for some reason he listens to you so make sure he doesn’t slack off”

“Sure thing boss, I’ll threaten to kneecap him if he gives me any shit”.

Mike chuckled again and slapped him on the shoulder “You’re a good friend Mick”.

There was that term again. It still made him feel kind of soft and warm inside thinking that he had not one but 2 friends now. And how was he a good friend anyway, he didn’t know what it meant to be a friend to someone, he was simply being himself and frankly wasn’t even trying to be anyone’s friends so he was still a little perplexed by it all.

A few hours later and Mike returned looking worn out and frazzled. He went straight into the office and closed the door. Mickey instantly felt like he wanted to check on him but was also aware of what a closed door usually meant.

A few minutes later Mike came back out however and approached Mickey.

“Hey Mick, how was today”

“Yeah all good boss” he answered simply, while studying his boss’ face.

“Knew I could rely on you” Mike said and Mickey felt himself actually preen at his words.

“Not a problem” he replied and hesitated but he knew he wanted to ask him “did you find him”.

“Yeah” Mike sighed again “dragged his ass back home to his mom, course she blames me, says he’s just following in his father’s footsteps” his voice trailed off.

“Shit man, I’m sorry but it’s not your fault, he’s a teenager and teenagers do dumb shit you know”.

Mickey knew all too well about doing dumb shit although in his case he didn’t always have much of a choice.

“Nah I mean she’s mostly right, he should never have had to see his dad locked up or in hospital cos he got stabbed or shot, he called me a hypocrite tonight and I guess he’s not wrong” Mike shook his head as he spoke.

“So you fucked up in the past, who hasn’t, you’re trying to be a good dad now and that’s all that matters…..fuck, you’re a saint compared to the piece of shit dad I had growing up”.

“Hey you wanna grab a beer later Mick, there’s a cool dive bar round the corner, great juke box and even better burgers” Mike said with a bit more of a smile now.

“Eh yeah, sure”

----

“So your dad…..” Mike said as they tucked into their burgers, which were awesome as it turned out.

“Yeah that’s a long story man” Mickey replied, feeling hesitant about the topic of conversation even though he knew he could trust Mike not to judge or pass any remarks.

“I get it, my old man wasn’t around much and when he was I wished he wasn’t” Mike laughed dryly “he was a drunk and a nasty drunk at that, used to take off on benders but then he’d come home and take all his shit out on us, me and mom”.

“Maybe we had the same dad” Mickey quipped and they both started laughing.

“Well that would explain how we look so alike” Mike said causing them to chuckle again, considering he was over 6ft tall and black while Mickey was the palest mother fucker around, well after Ian of course.

“Did your dad have something to do with you being at the clinic” Mike asked catching him off guard.

Mickey raised his eyebrow at him causing Mike to explain further “I know what kind of clinic it is, been bringing the dogs there for years ever since Ian started working there, none of my business but just hope that it helped, with whatever you were going through”.

Strangely enough the mention of Ian made him smile softly and feel more relaxed. For a moment he thought Mike had caught his reaction as he too smiled, a knowing sort of smile.

“My dad died and it sort of messed with my head, well I mean my head was already messed up but I guess it pushed me over the edge you know and my family called Ian, figured I needed professional help or whatever” he replied with a soft laugh.

“So you knew Ian before….”

“No, I mean he looked a bit familiar I guess cos we grew up in the same neighbourhood but Mandy knew him from school and heard about his work so she got in touch with him”

Mickey noticed Mike smirk “what?”

“Nothing, just you two seemed like you went way back is all, thought there was something there”.

His boss shrugged and his smirk grew wider and looked almost mischievous. Mickey felt himself blush and he opened his mouth but closed it again, unsure what to say in response.

“He’s a good guy” Mike continued “genuine you know, not a lot of that going around these days”

“No, guess not” he muttered as he finished his burger.

“Oh fuck, what…..fucking what” Mickey exclaimed as he noticed Mike eyeing him with that same smirk on his face.

“Oh cmon Mickey, it was so obvious, he was looking at you like you looked at Ozzy the first time you seen him”.

Now he really was blushing especially when he thought of how he felt when he first saw that dog, like he was in love.

“The fuck” he exhaled as he ran his hands down his face.

“What’s the big deal Mickey, you are gay aren’t you, I know he is, you don’t like red heads or something” Mike chuckled and Mickey couldn’t help but grin.

“How’d you know, about me I mean” he said softly, he still thought he hid it well. He was slowly but surely trying to come out of the closet ever since Terry died but years of repression and internalised homophobia weren’t things you grew out of overnight.

“I mean I wasn’t sure but when you saw Ozzy that day I knew I’d seen that same look before” Mike chuckled and smirked again and Mickey knew what he meant without him saying the words.

“So what, we were going around looking at each other like fucking love sick puppies or something, Jesus Christ” he sighed in embarrassment but laughed at the same time.

“I mean pretty much” Mike laughed “but it was more like eye fucking to be honest”.

“Oh fuck you” Mickey said while he flipped his boss off before they both started laughing again.

“Anyway, just saying, you should call him, he’d be good for you”.

Mickey scratched at the back of his neck before answering “kinda already did and we hung out”.

“My man” Mike actually stuck his hand out for a high five which he surprisingly slapped before laughing.

“Don’t know how to do this Mike” he said honestly.

“Do what?”

“Like fucking date or whatever the fuck, growing up with a nazi homophobic dad didn’t really allow for me to date guys you know, he literally would have killed me”.

“Shit Mick, that’s sucks but he’s gone now so fuck him right. Just take things slow, knowing Ian he’ll understand so just be honest and it will be ok”.

“Well he does know a lot of the worst shit about me and he still seems to like me so that’s a good sign right” Mickey joked dryly.

“Exactly but sometimes it’s just about chemistry or connection and all that other shit just doesn’t matter plus he’s south side too right, so maybe that’s what you need, someone who gets the life” Mike shrugged as if he was speaking somewhat from his own experience but Mickey knew he was right. He knew that most people would never understand him or his fucked up childhood but Ian could and despite all of it he still liked Mickey.

“So you thought much about what you want to do, I mean you can’t be a volunteer forever” Mike’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

“I’m literally trained for nothing, well nothing legal anyway” he chuckled “But I know I don’t wanna end up in prison like my dad or my brothers”.

“You know Carla, works in the office, well she’s pregnant again so she’s leaving soon, how are you with numbers Mick”

“The fuck you mean” he said as he sat back and took in his boss’ expression.

“I mean I need to find someone who can help me run my shelter and my options are between you or a couple of students who aren’t the most reliable, I don’t want to assume anything but your family have been doing what they’ve been doing  a long time and my guess is that you’re the smartest Milkovich”

“Yeah you’re not wrong, my brothers are pretty fucking dumb” he joked “and yeah my dad left me in charge of the money and books and shit but running your place, shit that’s on another level boss”.

“We could try you on a trial basis and I’d help out. Show you the ropes. If you liked it there are courses you can do pretty easily online to get qualified and I could possibly look at getting more grants which could cover another wage”.

“Shit, you’d do that, for me” Mickey was stunned, with the fact that Mike trusted him this much and was willing to go out on a limb for him.

“Sure why not, you have a good head on your shoulders and it’s easier than having to advertise and interview and all that shit” Mike waved his hand dismissively.

“But I didn’t even finish high school” he was starting to feel the pressure to perform and those feelings of self-doubt and insecurity creeping up.

“It’s easily sorted, lots of people go back and get their GED later, I could help you to apply if you wanted”.

“Fuck, I dunno what to say, it’s a lot to think about you know”.

“Sure, Carla’s not leaving for 2 weeks anyway so take your time and think it over”.

His boss smiled at him and finished his beer and Mickey smiled back but felt a flutter inside, a mixture of nerves and excitement. On the one hand the thought of doing something legitimate and legal for the first time in his life felt amazing but on the other hand he just wasn’t sure if he was up to it, he didn’t feel smart enough or educated enough or skilled enough.

Mickey was sitting on his bed with Ozzy later that evening and still mulling over Mikes proposal. He felt like he needed to talk it through with someone, maybe get some advice or reassurance. So this time when he picked up his phone he didn’t hesitate.

Mickey (8.46pm) Hey Red, you free this week?

----

Jesus fucking christ he was a bag of nerves, which was weird considering he had sat in front of Ian on numerous occasions and cried his heart out. But this was an entirely different sort of feeling. He hadn’t been on a date before and sure they hadn’t used that word but they were meeting up for food, in a proper place with utensils and shit, surely that meant it was a “date” right?

He pulled on his favourite pair of dark denim jeans and his favourite black button through shirt before messing with his hair for the 100^th time.

“Where you off to” Mandy asked as she walked by his room and noticed him fussing at the mirror.

“None your business” he quipped and he could tell she noticed the pink colour rising up his neck and into his cheeks.

“So it is a date then” she teased with a smirk on her face.

He flipped her off but smirked all the same, indicating his reply.

“So who is he” she asked and he looked at her in surprise. They didn’t talk about the elephant in the room even though he had his suspicions that she knew “cmon Mick, I know”.

Fuck, he didn’t want her getting all up in his business but something about denying it was Ian didn’t feel right plus he didn’t know if he and Mandy still spoke either.

“It’s Ian alright” he answered while trying to avoid eye contact with his sister who had just let out a sort of excited gasp.

“No fucking way” she said, her voice sounding higher.

“Yes way and it’s not a date, well I don’t think so anyway” he muttered as he said goodbye to Ozzy and grabbed his shit up off the dresser “see ya later buddy” he murmured onto Ozzy’s head as he kissed him.

“Don’t let him wander off and don’t let Iggy or Colin take him on a walk, fuckers will lose him or sell him or some shit” he ordered Mandy as he started to head out.

“But Mick, you and Ian, what the fuck” she exclaimed, not even responding to his instructions about Ozzy.

“Shit don’t make a big deal out of it ok” he ran his hands down his face feeling even more nervous now that Mandy seemed to agree that this was a big step for him.

“But it kinda is a big deal Mick, I mean you must really like him right, I’ve never seen you do this for anyone before” she waved over his appearance with her hands for effect.

“Yeah I like him, he’s I dunno fun to be around and he’s south side, real or whatever” he shrugged feeling himself begin to blush again “feel like I can talk to him and just be me with him you know”.

His sister smiled softly “I’m glad Mick, you deserve to have someone like that in your life”.

“Shit Mands I didn’t mean anything…..like it’s just harder to talk about stuff with family, with you, it’s not that I don’t want to”.

“I know Mick, I get it and that’s why I’m glad you have him, I just don’t want it to be like before, you dealing with all this shit and keeping it inside, not telling anyone” Mandy spoke gently and carefully, which wasn’t something that happened often and he knew then that she was still feeling scared and anxious.

“Look I can’t promise I’m not gonna have bad days alright but I can promise that I’m trying, I don’t want to be like that again Mandy, I don’t”.

His sister hugged him unexpectedly, again something that didn’t happen very often and he hugged her right back.

“You had me so worried asshole” she sniffed “just dunno what I’d do without you, you’re my favourite brother”.

Mandy chuckled as she pulled away and dabbed at her eyes.

“Yeah well that’s not saying much is it” he joked while thumbing his lip “anyway don’t want Ian to think I’ve stood him up”.

He turned and walked towards the door before he heard his sister’s voice again.

“Don’t put out on the first date Mick, no one likes a slut”.

“Yeah, never stopped you before” he chuckled in reply.

They flipped each other off and he cursed her for even putting the idea in his head, was bad enough trying to keep calm just sitting near Ian without thinking about the possibility of sex being on the table.

----

He arrived at the restaurant and instantly noticed that beautiful copper red hair over by the bar.

“Hey” he said and Ian turned around in the bar stool before standing up and pulling him into another of his amazing hugs. It was another first for Mick, hugging a man in public and damn did it feel good.

“You look great” Ian said as his eyes hungrily scanned up and down his body.

“Yeah uh, you too Red” he said nervously as he took in Ian. Tonight he was wearing a burgundy button shirt that looked pretty tight not that he was complaining, along with black jeans. Mickey actually gulped at how unbelievable this man before him looked and still found it hard to wrap his head around the fact that he apparently had some sort of interest in him of all people.

They found their way over to a booth and a waiter brought over some menus, a waiter who was clearly gay as he practically drooled over Ian as they ordered. Mickey was glad he understood most of the menu as it wasn’t such a fancy place after all, nice certainly but not overly pretentious. He ordered a steak which seemed the safest bet and Ian ordered some prawn pasta dish.

“You not drinking” he asked Ian as he noticed him sipping from the water glass.

“Nah, can’t drink much on my meds you know, if I had more than 2 beers I’d be wasted and it would not be a pretty sight” he laughed.

“I dunno, I reckon you’d still be pretty” he found himself saying and the minute the words left his mouth he wanted to stab himself in his stupid brain for saying out loud what should have remained inside his head.

“Did you just flirt with me Mickey Milkovich” Ian said with a smug smirk on his face.

“So what if I did” he replied defensively, the only move he had.

“Nothing, just like it that’s all” Ian said softly as he shrugged his shoulders and eyed Mickey.

“So how did your assignment thingy go” Mickey asked after a moment, desperate to change the focus of the conversation.

“Yeah all good, fuck I can’t wait for it to all be over and just be able to say I’m qualified you know”.

“Don’t need a piece of paper to say that shit Red, you’re a fucking better shrink than half the quacks out there”.

“Thanks Mick” Ian looked at him in that sweet way he does which caused his stomach to flip “just can’t wait to be able to work at something I love though and know that it was all worth it”.

“You gonna stay at the same place or can you like get your own office or whatever” Mickey sat back so the waiter could place his food down before doing the same with Ian’s plate.

“Get you guys anything else” the guy asked while looking only at Ian who seemed oblivious of course.

Mickey gave the guy a look that said “fuck off” and so he promptly did.

“Um, I mean I could work anywhere but I like where I am, for now anyway. I would prefer to work more in my own community though, maybe with younger people” Ian mused as he ate his food which Mickey had to admit looked delicious even with the weird prawn things.

“Only so many rich fucks you can take huh” Mickey teased as he tucked into his steak and potatoes with pepper sauce.

“I mean kind of yeah” Ian laughed “It’s still helping people but it wouldn’t be as rewarding as helping people who haven’t got those resources and people I can relate to”.

“You mean people like me, people from the south side, poor people”.

“Yeah, people like us Mick” Ian said and they locked eyes for a moment “what about you, any plans”

“Yeah actually was one of the reasons I wanted to see you, just I dunno needed to talk to someone, get some advice or whatever”

“Wow, like that is it, here’s me thinking you wanted to see me cos you think I’m hot or funny or charming” Ian teased and Mickey found himself blushing, badly.

“Fuck off Red, you know what I mean, plus it’s kind of a compliment that I wanted to talk to you about it” Mickey smirked and Ian chuckled.

“Fine I’ll let you away with it, what’s going on”

“So Mike kinda offered me a job, working in the office like bookkeeping or accounts or whatever, said he’d even help me get my GED and some course that would be like a qualification” he rambled realising that he sounded excited at the prospect.

“Wow that’s great, I mean it’s a step forward right and you like working there so if you can get paid and a qualification then that’s a bonus, why are you hesitant though, what are you worried about” Ian asked, always the counsellor.

“ I dunno, fuck it’s like a lot of pressure, don’t wanna let him down and what if I can’t do it, like I’ve never done much in my life Ian and having Mike rely on me like that and trust me…..”

“I know Mike over 2 years now and he knows people, he can feel them out. He wouldn’t ask you if he didn’t see something in you. He probably just sees what I see, someone who’s smart and driven and passionate, someone who just needs a second chance”.

“I don’t think I’m smart though Ian, it’s freaking me out just thinking of studying and exams and all that shit, I spent more time as a kid filing serial numbers off guns than sitting in a classroom” he explained causing Ian to look at him with affection.

“Wasn’t it you who told me that you don’t need straight A’s or degrees or fancy educations in order to be smart huh” Ian cocked his head and smirked at him.

“Fucking wise guy” he quipped but felt his insides flutter at the thought that Ian had remembered something he had said days ago.

“Look I can help you with the GED prep if you want or anything else that comes later but honestly I think you should just try it out with Mike, what have you got to lose”.

“What if it’s too much pressure, what if I start getting those attacks again, what if I can’t cope” he spoke softly and sighed as he looked down at the table.

“Hey Mick” Ian said firmly and Mickey automatically raised his head so they could lock eyes “if any of that happens then we will get though it like we did before, you coped then and you will again, I’m guessing starting a new job or getting your GED are not the most traumatic things you’ve had to deal with in your life”.

Mickey laughed softly and thumbed his lip “You said we”.

Ian sat back and studied his face for a minute “yeah, I did cos I’m not going anywhere Mick, I’ll always be there for you if you need me”.

“But why” he looked at Ian in amazement.

“Cos I care about you” he shrugged like admitting that was no big deal.

“Simple as that huh, you don’t even know me Ian”.

“Course I do Mick, you think after listening to you for a month in that place that I don’t know you or couldn’t grow to care about you” Ian spoke with a little bit of frustration and Mickey felt a bit guilty.

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, fuck I don’t know what I’m saying” he sighed in exasperation.

“Well I do, I think you’re trying to say that you don’t understand why I could care about you cos deep down you still think you don’t deserve it but I’ll keep trying to make you believe it if I can”.

“Yeah well good luck with that” he scoffed.

“You’re a fucking piece of cake Mick” Ian laughed sarcastically “I was a drug addled underage hooker with untreated bipolar who tried to kill himself and I learned how to feel worthy and deserving….if I was able to make myself see the truth then you’ll be a walk in the park”.

Ian sat back and grinned smugly at him as if he was challenging him and Mickey realised that he was fucking turned on. Ian oozed confidence and charisma and Mickey felt himself getting lost in his energy. He was almost in awe of him, in how he had turned his life around even though he knew he had this life long illness. The fact he believed in Mickey so much gave him a much needed ego boost and he felt himself start to believe that maybe the red head wasn’t full of shit, maybe his faith in Mickey wasn’t misplaced or naïve.

Soon they were leaving and Ian had insisted on paying as he had picked the place but told Mickey he could get the next one and Mickey rolled his eyes but really he was beaming inside knowing that Ian wanted to see him again.

“I better head off then” he mumbled “work tomorrow”.

“Yeah me too, well classes and then work later” Ian replied and his eyes looked even more intense than usual.

He was about to turn away when he felt Ian’s hand grab his wrist and turn him back around.

Before he knew what was happening Ian’s mouth was on his and for a moment his heart stopped and he felt panic set in. He pulled away and looked around, realising he was on a public street kissing a man but then he realised that no one was paying them any attention.

“Sorry Mick I…..”

He shut Ian up by kissing him again, properly this time. Ian’s hand ran up the back of his head as he pulled them closer together. Fuck he loved feeling his large hands on him. They made him feel safe and protected. He opened his mouth more and their tongues found each other, circling and dancing around each other. He couldn’t contain the moan that escaped his lips and he would’ve felt embarrassed if not for the moan that escaped from Ian a second later.

They had to break apart and were panting while their mouths still brushed against each other.

“Fuck” Ian whispered and he chuckled lightly before kissing him once more but briefly this time.

“Fuck is right Red” he chuckled.

Ian’s hands had crept down and were sitting dangerously low on his waist and he could feel his long fingers caressing him through his shirt.

“Shit I kinda wanna invite you back but I can’t” Ian whispered, his voice sounding low and husky which caused Mickey’s dick to twitch in his pants.

“And that would’ve been very hard to say no to” he murmured as their lips found each other’s again.

“Very very hard” Ian quipped with a raised eyebrow and Mickey snorted.

“Jesus Christ you’re such a goofball” he chuckled and shook his head as he gently pushed the red head away in an attempt to make an escape.

“Yeah but I bet you kinda like it” Ian shouted after him as he started to walk away.

“I like it a lot” he shouted back and he could almost feel the warm glow of that radiant smile beaming from behind.

Chapter Text

“It’s driven me before and it seems to be the way

That everyone else gets around

But lately I’m beginning to find that when

I drive myself my light is found….

Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah”

A few days had passed since their date, yeah he was calling it that now; and he was still thinking about that kiss. Rather kisses plural. They had been texting since of course but Mickey felt like he had just discovered the best drug in the world before it was swiftly taken away from him and he was itching out of his skin for another hit. Sure he wanted Ian’s dick in his ass at some point but he would happily kiss him for days, weeks, fucking months even and remain perfectly content.

He had only kissed a grand total of 2 people before and it wasn’t something he ever desired but when Ian first put his lips against his it both literally and figuratively took his breath away. He never knew that kissing could feel that good, that significant, that passionate. And now it was all he could think about and he had even jerked off several times to the memory like a pathetic horny teenager.

“Mickey, you hear me”

Mike’s voice brought him back to reality and away from images of freckles and pale skin and green eyes and goddamn ginger hair.

“Shit sorry man” he replied feeling himself blush for being caught day dreaming about his non boyfriend while he was at work.

“This is important stuff Mickey”

Mike had started training him in on the days that Carla was off. He could follow most of the accounting or bookkeeping stuff but he hadn’t realised there was a lot to learn in relation to Government or legal shit like grants and legislation and fundraising.

“I know, I get it, just didn’t sleep great” he lied not wanting to admit that his focus was suddenly elsewhere.

“I don’t want to put too much pressure on you man, if this is too much….”

Mickey waved his hand and cut his boss off “fuck no, it’s not, I’ll get it, I can learn all this shit…..it’s just….” He sighed and debated if the truth was best as Mike seemed to be already doubting his ability “look don’t make a big deal out of it alright but I kinda went on a date with Ian”.

“My man, that’s what I’m talking bout, good for you Mickey” his boss beamed at him as if he was fucking proud or something.

“So is this why your head isn’t in the game today” Mike continued with a laugh as he shoved him playfully.

“Ok settle down, was one date but yeah fine, I’m a bit preoccupied or whatever”.

He thumbed his lip nervously before breaking into a wide grin.

They got back to work for the next few hours and he had even managed to apply for the GED as well, with Mike’s help. He was aiming to have it done within 2 months and while he still felt anxious about it he was starting to finally feel proud of himself. He was helping out with the kennels later that afternoon when he heard a familiar voice that sent shivers up his spine.

“Shit Mick you look good bent over like that”.

“The fuck Red” he said, while looking around to see if anyone else was in earshot.

“Chill Mick, no one’s around” the red head smirked and fuck did he look sexy when he looked at Mickey like that.

“What you doing here anyway”

“I needed to see Mike about a new schedule for the dog visits at the clinic” Ian replied frankly and Mickey felt himself deflate a little knowing he wasn’t there just to see him. He then chastised himself instantly for turning into such a dick whipped little pussy.

“Well he’s in the office” he muttered as he thumbed his nose nervously and attempted to get back to his task.

“You wanna hang out later” Ian asked as he stepped into his personal space, something Mickey used to hate when they first met but now he liked a bit too much.

“Dunno depends on what you have in mind” he smirked back at the red head.

“Well what I really have in mind isn’t something I should really say out loud, not here anyway” Ian spoke quietly and so intensely that Mickey worried he was about to pop a boner right there in the yard “but it’s Friday night so I think we should go out and have some fun”.

“Don’t have to go out to have fun Red”.

Jesus Christ it was like he wasn’t in control of his own mouth when Ian was around. He gulped and felt himself blush especially when Ian’s eyes grew wider and he appeared to lick his bottom lip.

“Fuck Mick you can’t be saying shit like that to me in public” Ian whispered as he brought his face close to his “but it’s good to know were on the same page”.

Before Mickey could do something crazy like push Ian down and straddle him right there on the concrete ground they were interrupted by his boss who called Ian over to the office.

“See you later Mick” Ian said and he winked, actually fucking winked at him over his shoulder and Mickey felt his breathe hitch for a moment.

“What’s up with you” Nate asked as he wandered over to him, before following Mickey’s gaze over towards the red head that was just entering the office.

“Nothin” he mumbled as he realised he had just been caught ogling another man.

“Nothin huh” Nate smirked and Mickey gave him a look that said he wasn’t talking about it so Nate just laughed and held his hands up in mock defence.

“So a few of us are heading out later, if you wanna join” Nate asked a while later as they finished up for the day.

“Cant, have plans already” he replied casually while rubbing his nose.

“With the red head” Nate chuckled.

Mickey raised his eyebrow and felt defensive for some reason “why you got a problem with that”.

“Course not Mickey, no one gives a shit who you bang, besides he’s pretty hot so gotta say I’m a little bit jealous”.

“Wait, what” Mickey’s head was spinning, he assumed this guy was as straight as they come, with the way he talks about women and the way he practically harassed Celeste “you’re into dudes”.

“I’m into anything that moves Mickey” he laughed and shrugged “I just like what I like, hot is hot”.

Mickey was speechless and just scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

“If you’re wondering if I think you’re hot then that would be a yes” Nate whispered to him with a low chuckle “Between you and Celeste, man I don’t know how I get anything done around here”.

“Let me stop you right there” Mickey said and he found it amusing how Nate looked a bit scared for a moment, that maybe he had gone too far “you don’t get anything done around here”.

“Hey, it’s not my fault” Nate held his hands up jokingly “between your ass and her tits it’s hard to concentrate, I’m only human Mickey”.

“Jesus Christ” he muttered as he rubbed his hands down his face.

This had to be one of the strangest and most unexpected conversations he had had in a long time, maybe ever. But unfortunately now he was aware that Nate thought he was hot so now of course he was starting to blush and feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to this kind of attention and open flirting. He never really considered himself in those terms, hell he hardly thought about his appearance much at all.

“Why is Mickey blushing” Celeste asked as she too had now wandered over to where they stood.

“Fucks sake” he exclaimed, not enjoying being the centre of attention.

“Oh I just told Mickey that he’s hot and I like his ass” Nate said casually and Celeste burst out laughing.

“Shit dude you have no filter at all do you, you’re not gonna start harassing him too now are ya” she asked with a shake of her head.

“Nah, as fun as that would be for me, he’s taken apparently” Nate made a sad pouty face and Mickey couldn’t help but laugh.

“You two know I’m standing right here” Mickey asked jokingly.

“Yeah he’s found himself the hottest red head I’ve ever seen” Nate teased and pouted again.

“Wait” Celeste looked like she was remembering something “the red head from earlier, as in Ian” she asked and both she and Nate eyed Mickey who once again was trying not to blush under such scrutiny.

“Oh shit that’s Ian” Nate exclaimed.

“Sure is, met him before when I helped Mike out on a visit, I mean I like girls but that man is fine as shit” Celeste said with a light laugh.

“Ok as fun as this shit is for me, I’m off” Mickey said feeling rather flustered but a little amused.

He walked away to the sound of giggling and felt a huge smirk creep up his face. Fuck yeah Ian was hot and the fact that other people agreed but the red head was apparently only interested in him lit his entire body on fire. He was hurrying home to get showered and changed when he heard his phone ping in his pocket.

Ian (5.41pm) Can’t wait to see you later x

-----

Mickey waited outside the location that Ian had sent him. It looked like a dingy club with what sounded like live music coming from downstairs. He watched as mostly young alternative looking people walked inside and he started to feel nervous but curious. It wasn’t long before he saw a red head coming down the street towards him.

“Hey Mick” Ian said before reaching down and placing a light kiss on his mouth, to his surprise.

“Eh hey” he said while gulping and thumbing his nose “so uh, what’s this place Red”.

Ian just smiled and grabbed his hand while showing 2 tickets to the bouncer who nodded to them to go ahead. The steps led downstairs into, yup a dingy looking club but it also looked kind of cool and quirky with old music related memorabilia everywhere, like tour posters and framed band pictures. The crowd were a mix of people around his age who mostly looked like punks or rockers or arty types. At one end of the club was a raised stage area which looked already set up for a band to perform.

“Drink?” Ian asked as he stood at the bar, trying to grab the bar tenders attention.

“Uh beer” he mumbled while still getting used to his surroundings.

Ian rolled his eyes and grinned “how about a real drink Mick”

Mickey grinned back and flipped him off “fine, JD and coke then”.

“2 Jack Daniels and Coke please” Ian shouted to the busy looking bar tender.

“2?” Mickey asked.

“I can handle 1 JD and coke Mick” Ian laughed before pulling him into another brief kiss and Mickey almost felt his body flinch but reminded himself that he was safe and no one gave a shit who he was kissing. Ian pulled his mouth away but leaned in closer “I like that you’re concerned about me though”.

“So this place huh” Mickey said as he looked around.

“Yeah, I was here before, they like to showcase up and coming bands, mostly local” Ian spoke and had to move closer to his ear to be heard over the music that was being played, which Mickey didn’t mind at all.

They were standing at a tall table that was made out of an old barrel which Mickey thought looked pretty cool and were sipping their drinks before a band came on stage. It was a long time since Mickey had enjoyed live music and he couldn’t recall ever being in a place like this but somehow he didn’t feel as out of place as he would have expected to.

The crowd just jumped around to the punk rock music, seemingly without a care in the world and even Ian was nodding along and moving his body in time to the music next to him.

Soon he too found himself nodding his head and getting lost in the beats and the energy in the place. Ian finished his drink and grabbed his hand before dragging him closer to the stage amongst the crowd.

“The fuck Ian” he exclaimed, suddenly feeling more exposed and unsure.

“Cmon Mick” Ian chuckled as he jumped around and banged his head as the band played a faster and heavier song.

Despite his internal anxiety he found himself smiling at the red head before him who looked completely goofy and carefree before he started jumping around to the music in a similar manner. Ian nudged him lightly and Mickey nudged him back causing them to both chuckle before Ian reached over and cupped his face causing him to still.

“Fuck you’re so beautiful Mick” the red head whispered before connecting their lips, hard.

Despite the fact that they were standing amongst a crowd of dancing strangers he felt like he and Ian were the only 2 people on the planet, safe in their little bubble while their lips and tongues became entangled in each other’s. They were completely lost in each other until someone bumped them so hard it made them stumble backwards and they laughed as they came back to reality.

“Shit, maybe we should…” Mickey nodded towards the table they had been standing at and Ian smirked at him.

“Or maybe we get the hell out of here and go back to my place”.

Mickey felt himself gulp before simply nodding and allowing Ian to take his hand once again.

----

The Uber ride to Ian’s apartment had been quiet and full of tension. Mickey could feel Ian’s green eyes boring into him and his hand was gripping his tightly. Mickey wondered if Ian was trying to prevent his hands from wandering as he was certainly trying to prevent his from reaching out and grabbing at Ian. The second Ian closed the door he was on him, connecting their mouths again and trying to undress Mickey frantically.

“Shit Red, you in a hurry or something” he teased which caused Ian to make a grumbling sort of groan.

“Yes Mick, yes I fucking am, now get naked already” Ian replied which caused him to chuckle.

He had to admit that seeing Ian so turned on and flustered was massaging his ego. He could feel the heat radiating of Ian and the desire the red head felt for him was a complete and utter turn on.

Ian was pushing him towards what he assumed was the bedroom and he eventually felt his legs reach the bed. He finished removing his last items of clothing until he was naked and Ian hurriedly rid himself of his clothes. He felt himself blush as Ian’s intense eyes roamed over his entire body before he reached out and cupped his face gently.

“You’re fucking amazing” Ian kissed him aggressively before Mickey crawled backwards onto the bed.

“Not so bad yourself Red” he teased with a smirk before Ian crawled up his body and hovered above him.

He felt Ian’s hot mouth graze his neck and jawline until he was sucking and kissing his neck. He moaned with how good it felt. The red head then moved down his chest before licking and teasing his nipples, something he hadn’t really experienced before and damn did it feel good.

“Fuck Ian” he sighed and he heard Ian chuckle softly before his head disappeared lower. His hands gripped Ian’s hair as he hovered dangerously close to his cock while he licked and sucked the sensitive skin just above before moving onto his inner thighs.

“Jesus Mick you’re fucking sexy” Ian muttered before nibbling on his upper thigh causing him to moan loudly “been dying to suck this cock” he muttered again before taking Mickey in his mouth.

Mickey threw his head back and moaned as Ian teased his tip and licked the underside while gripping his base and stroking gently. Ian continued to tease and lick and suck softly before suddenly swallowing him deep and hard.

“Oh fuck” Mickey gasped as he bucked up and felt himself right at the back of Ian’s throat as he continued to suck him off.

“Shit Ian, I’m not gonna last long” he murmured as he bucked more and more into Ian’s mouth.

Mickey expected Ian to pull off but instead he circled his finger against his hole and pushed inside gently which caused Mickey to explode down his throat.

“Jesus fuck Ian” he cried out, feeling mildly embarrassed at how quickly he had unravelled under Ian’s body.

Ian just wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and smirked at him before clashing their mouths together again.

“I did warn you” Mickey said with a chuckle.

“I know, wanted to taste you” Ian replied and Mickey felt his dick springing to life again “besides, that was just the warm up”.

“Is that so, you talk a big game Red” he teased as Ian started to trail his hands down his chest and playfully pinched his nipples.

“Oh this isn’t a game Mick” Ian smirked as he started kissing his stomach “I take this shit seriously”.

“And what shit is that freckles” he laughed.

“Making you cum your brains out so hard you’ll be seeing stars and fucking your tight ass so hard you’ll still be feeling me inside you for days”.

With that Ian flipped Mickey over and smacked his ass so hard he let out a groan and felt his dick go from semi hard to fucking rock hard in an instant. Ian pulled him up onto his knees and Mickey gasped as he felt him spread his cheeks and bury his mouth and tongue inside him.

“Mother…. fucker” Mickey stuttered while he closed his eyes and pushed back onto Ian’s face.

“Holy fuck Mick…..your ass” Ian mumbled before he reached over to a drawer and took out a bottle of lube and a roll of condoms.

“You got enough there” Mickey joked before Ian slapped his ass cheek again.

“Maybe not but I can always just eat your ass again if we run out” Ian replied before pushing his now lubricated finger inside Mickey along with his tongue. Mickey wasn’t sure if he would last much longer but all he knew was that he needed Ian’s cock inside him now.

“Get the fuck on me already Ian” he panted.

“Needy little bottom” Ian teased before pushing abruptly inside Mickey causing him to cry out in surprise and pleasure. Fuck Ian was big alright and he felt fucking awesome.

“Jesus fucking Christ Ian” he moaned as Ian pushed back out and then in again, in deep long strokes.

Ian was going so slow it was almost like a form of torture and so he pushed back and wiggled to indicate his impatience. He heard a beautiful laugh from behind him before hearing that equally beautiful voice.

“What, you want more Mick” Ian said before thrusting in hard and deep.

“Fuck you……yeah….more” he panted his reply as he squirmed and continued to push back against Ian.

“How much more” Ian asked and his voice was so low, husky and sexy that Mickey almost shot his load right there and then.

“Fucking all of it, give it to me Red”.

And he did. Ian chuckled before pounding him relentlessly until he came suddenly and untouched on the sheets. A moment later Ian grunted and thrust one last time inside him before he too was done.

“Holy Fuck” he sighed as he collapsed face down on the bed, Ian lying next to him laughing lightly as he trailed his hand along his back.

“Holy fuck is right Mick”

----

It turned out Ian didn’t just talk a big game and they fucked twice more, once with Mickey riding Ian and another lazy fuck while spooning, before they finally succumbed to much needed sleep.

Mickey woke up with a slight ache in his ass which made him smile until he realised where he was. He didn’t usually sleep over and it was such an alien feeling to wake up in another mans bed but somehow knowing it was Ian’s bed made it feel less scary and a little familiar. He sat up and it registered that Ian must be up already and then he smelled coffee and bacon which explained his absence.

He pulled on his boxers which were tossed on the floor and padded out towards the smells to see the beautiful red head standing in his boxers in the kitchen humming to himself as he cooked breakfast. He felt himself bite his lip at the sight as he wondered what on earth he had done to deserve this.

“Oh hey Mick” Ian greeted him breezily and Mickey blushed at being caught ogling him.

“You always this cheerful in the morning” he grumbled playfully as he walked over to the table where Ian was plating up delicious looking French toast and bacon.

“Not always but I did sleep really well last night” Ian grinned and winked at Mickey causing him to roll his eyes and fight back a huge grin in response.

“You didn’t need to do all this Ian” Mickey said feeling a little overwhelmed at the attention and consideration Ian was showing him.

“It’s nothing, I like to cook” Ian shrugged while he dug in to his breakfast. Mickey had to fight back a moan for an entirely different reason now, shit Ian could fuck like a champ and cook like a top chef, he was so totally screwed.

“So you have any plans for today” Ian asked in between bites.

“Not really” he shrugged “got to get a start on studying for my GED though”.

“Oh really, you applied” Ian asked while looking at him intently.

“Yeah, Mike helped me, got just under 2 months to get my shit together”.

He felt his stomach flutter with nerves at the thought.

“If you want I could help you, I don’t really have any plans”

“Really, I mean that would be great but you must have something better to be doing Ian”

“It’s fine Mick, I don’t mind, I wanna help”.

Ian smiled so brightly and affectionately at him that he felt his cheeks blush and he bit his lip out of habit.

“Fuck Ian, I’m never gonna pass this shit” Mickey grumbled a few hours later as they were busy studying online resources and taking a mock quiz.

“Course you will Mick, this is your first day of prep, in 2 months you’ll kill it”.

“You’re annoyingly positive you know that Red” he replied playfully as Ian nudged him and smiled at him.

“Kinda have to be Mick, the way I see it I’ve been through so much shit I don’t think anything life throws at me from now on can really be any worse you know” Ian shrugged in his usual casual way.

“Suppose” Mickey muttered taking a moment to think about what Ian was saying but Mickey being the pessimist that he is always expected the worst to happen, not the best.

“How are you not cynical though” he asked the red head honestly.

“I mean I used to be hence the whole attempt at self-destruction Mick” Ian laughed lightly “but I guess coming through the other side of the worst time in my life made me appreciate things more, it’s like that movie quote says Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”.

“Oh Jesus not motivational quotes Red, please” Mickey teased and Ian punched his arm playfully.

“Don’t you dare hate on Shawshank, it’s a classic” Ian chuckled while raising his eyebrows at him.

“Fair point, I’ll allow it” he replied with a smirk and Ian caught him by surprise with an affectionate kiss.

“You know we could make the studying a little bit more interesting….and fun” Ian said.

“Oh really, I’m listening”.

“How about for every question you get right I have to take off one piece of clothing and for every question you get wrong you have to”

“Good idea Ian except for one problem…..” Mickey looked Ian up and down before Ian laughed and realised the obvious, that they were both still wearing only their boxers.

“We could still do it…just be a short quiz” Ian suggested mischievously while kissing Mickey again.

“Ian, are you trying to help me or distract me right now” Mickey chuckled as Ian’s hand started to roam.

“Think we studied hard enough for one day don’t you” Ian suggested, while emphasising the word hard much to Mickey’s amusement.

“You and your fucking puns freckles” he laughed while kissing Ian back more aggressively now.

“You love my puns Mick, don’t lie” Ian chuckled while he man handled Mickey off the floor and started pushing him towards the bedroom.

“Yeah, I guess I do Red”.

Chapter Text

“In pastures blue and green

I’ll follow you and you’ll follow me”

2 weeks had passed and it seemed that Mickey and Ian were effectively dating, well truthfully he wasn’t sure what they were, it wasn’t like he was any good at talking about this shit with Ian but they hung out a few times a week and spoke every day.

They had slipped into a routine almost seamlessly with meeting up for lunch during the week and spending pretty much all of the weekend together, mostly at Ian’s place for privacy. He had even started bringing Ozzy over and he too was making himself right at home, usually on Ian’s couch.

As much as they both wanted to spend that time primarily in bed they both recognised the need for study breaks, with both Ian’s finals and Mickey’s GED exam coming up. And so in between rounds of intense fucking they would sit around either the bed or the kitchen table with their respective books or laptops open. They had even attempted to try Ian’s earlier suggestion of “strip studying” but as predicted it wasn’t very successful, well in helping them to learn anyway.

“Uh Ian” Mickey nodded towards the window that led out onto Ian’s tiny balcony.

“Oh that’s just Clyde” Ian shrugged as he sauntered over to the window which he opened, allowing the large ginger cat to creep in.

“Clyde” he asked with a raised eyebrow while the cat seemed to eye him.

“Yeah my neighbour’s cat, think she named him after her dead husband”

Mickey laughed and rubbed his lip in amusement “you know he looks like you right”.

Ian looked at him and then at Clyde “the fuck you mean”.

“Cmon Ian it’s basically you in cat form, Jesus I’m surrounded by gingers” he teased and Ian playfully threw a pen at him.

“Fuck you, he does not….besides I’m way cuter”.

Mickey was just about to make another joke when all hell broke loose. Apparently the ginger cat didn’t take kindly to Ozzy sleeping on “his” couch and hissed at the dog before attempting to claw at him.

“Oh fuck” Mickey exclaimed before Ian jumped up and scooped up the angry feline. Ozzy appeared to be a little sad and perplexed while he sat next to Mickey looking up at him.

“I know buddy, stupid ginger fucker” he muttered as he patted Ozzy’s head.

“Hope you’re talking about the cat Mick” Ian joked and Mickey flipped him off.

“If Clyde knows what’s good for him he’ll stay away from Oz” he muttered angrily.

“To be fair Mick he was here first, he’s just protecting his territory” Ian said calmly.

“Yeah well I’m protecting my family so he better watch it with those things” Mickey replied while gesturing to the cats claws.

Ian chuckled while giving Clyde some cat treats he had in the kitchen before putting him back outside.

Mickey felt Ian’s intense green eyes gazing at him, “what”

“Just thinking how adorable you are when you get all protective and mushy over Oz”.

“Adorable….fuck off” he replied while feeling his cheeks turn pink.

“Fine” Ian murmured while closing the distance between them “sexy then”.

Ian grabbed his hips and pulled their bodies together before connecting their mouths.

“Ozzy look away, your Daddy is about to get pounded by his Daddy” Ian spoke directly to the dog with a smirk before dragging Mickey towards the bedroom.

“Fuck” he sighed “I said that once Ian, you’re never gonna let me forget it are you”

“Nope”

----

“Don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much” Mandy said to him as they sat in the Milkovich kitchen eating breakfast before he had to go to work.

“And” he replied without even looking up.

“Nothing, just a good look on you, I’m glad you’re happy Mick, you are happy right” she asked and he knew that she was fishing like she did every now and then, trying to feel out if he was ok or if he was going to go off and do some crazy shit again.

“I mean I dunno, I guess I am” he shrugged.

He honestly didn’t know what happiness was supposed to feel like but he figured waking up next to Ian or laughing at his goofy jokes or kissing those lips must be what it feels like. All he knew was that he hadn’t had a nightmare or an anxiety attack in weeks and felt lighter and more energetic than he had in a very long time.

It wasn’t just down to Ian though, he loved working with Mike and with the dogs and even the new role was going pretty well. Sure he was overwhelmed at first but he was starting to get the hang of it and found that he felt empowered by working in the office. He felt like a proper grown up for once, one who had a proper grown up job and a legal one at that. Mike had even secured more funding which meant Mickey was now earning a wage, even if it was only minimum wage. But he felt pride in himself for perhaps the first time in his life.

“So I wanted to ask you something” Ian asked as they ate lunch together at their regular spot.

Mickey raised his eyebrow at the serious tone of Ian’s voice.

“My sister is getting married in 2 weeks and I was wondering if you’d come with me”.

Mickey instantly felt anxious at the idea of attending something so big with Ian but the way he was blushing and fidgeting made him soften.

“Fiona and your bosses son right” Mickey asked while he took another bite of his burger.

“Yeah, Jimmy, Lloyds son” Ian looked at him nervously and bit his lip “I know it seems like a big deal but it’s not really, I mean ok they’ve invited like 200 people but it would be fun”

“Who the fuck even knows 200 people” he quipped, aware that he still hadn’t answered Ian and wasn’t really sure what his answer was yet.

“I dunno their family is well known I guess, think Fi only invited like 50 of the guests or something” Ian shrugged while still looking at Mickey intently “I understand if it seems too soon or whatever…”

“It’s not that Ian” he sighed while rubbing his hands down his face “I just don’t do so good with people you know and that’s a lot of people, shit I haven’t even met your family”.

“You want to” Ian asked while meeting his eyes.

“What, meet the Gallaghers”

“Yeah, we do a family dinner thing every Thursday, you can come this week” Ian shrugged again as if it was no big deal that he had just invited Mickey to his family’s dinner night.

Inside his heart was thumping and his mind was racing, this was new territory and he had no idea what he was doing but regardless he found himself replying “ok”.

----

Jesus he thought his own family could be loud and chaotic but this was on a whole other level. He was sitting in the Gallagher house, at the kitchen table to be precise, surrounded by Ian’s siblings who were talking over each other and frankly he couldn’t keep up with even one of their conversations.

“You ok there tough guy?” Ian whispered with a reassuring smile as he squeezed his knee under the table.

It was funny to him how Ian’s family didn’t even bat an eyelid when he was introduced to them as the “boyfriend” and what was even funnier was how Mickey didn’t mind that term at all, in fact it sort of made him feel warm right down in the pit of his stomach. Had this been a Milkovich gathering it would have been an entirely different story, one that perhaps ended in a serious assault or worse. He was kind of in awe at how Ian’s sexuality wasn’t even an issue, he was apparently treated no differently to any of his other brothers bringing home a girlfriend. In that moment, despite the noise which was causing his anxiety to spike, he envied Ian.

The Gallagher’s were a mess for sure, they were still South Siders and had no doubt struggled growing up but they genuinely cared for each other and even Ian’s parents, for all their faults, didn’t give a shit who he banged and it made Mickey momentarily sad thinking about how much he had missed out on growing up.

“Eh yeah, fine” he muttered while squeezing Ian’s hand back.

“I know they’re a lot” Ian chuckled softly, “smoke?” he asked while gesturing to the back door.

They sat on the back steps sharing a smoke but remaining quiet. It was something Mickey appreciated about Ian, considering the guy loved to talk he always sensed when Mickey was becoming anxious or overloaded and simply needed quiet. He always knew when to push but equally when to pull back, until Mickey was ready to talk again.

“I just never had that you know” he mumbled, so quietly he wasn’t sure he had said it out loud.

“Had what” Ian asked softly while turning his head to look at him.

“That, like sitting around and eating together, talking shit and annoying each other or whatever” he gestured with his hand towards the house “the only time my family ever sat around was when we were weighing up drugs or filing serial numbers off stolen guns”.

“Yeah I guess it’s nice, they are annoying assholes but I love them” Ian replied quietly while appearing reflective and as if he was holding back from saying something else. Mickey smiled knowing that Ian probably wanted to ask him more, get him to open up but he knew the red head was desperately restraining himself for Mickey’s sake. He gazed over Ian’s face and felt that warm feeling pool in his gut again.

“I never could have brought a boyfriend home, wouldn’t have ended well” he mused thoughtfully and Ian took his hand in his gently.

“Wasn’t sure you would be ok with me calling you that” Ian grinned while looking at him intently.

Mickey couldn’t help but roll his eyes before smirking at Ian “been called worse”.

Ian laughed and Mickey thought he looked damn beautiful. Everything just felt easy and natural and familiar with him. It was like Ian knew him better than he even knew himself and even more than that, he felt safe with Ian, a feeling that he had rarely felt in his entire life.

“So this wedding” he started to speak before rubbing his nose nervously and taking a deep breath “what’s the deal, like is it in a hotel or whatever”

Ian gazed at him for a moment with a smug grin on his face and a light in his eyes.

“Yeah Lloyds hired out this golf resort, he’s a member there, we all have our own room for the night”.

Ian just studied his face for a moment and Mickey knew that he was waiting for him to say it.

“Fine, fuck, I’ll go” he sighed and he heard Ian actually giggle before he pulled him into his side and kissed his head.

“Thanks Mick” he muttered while he continued to kiss his hair.

“Don’t thank me yet, have to get through the damn thing first”.

----

“Chill Mick, you got this” Ian whispered as they walked outside to where the reception was being held. Ian’s boss had clearly spared no expense. There was a huge gazebo and chairs scattered everywhere while pretty fairy lights and flowers decorated the space.

Ian led him over to where Fiona and Jimmy were chatting with other guests. He was feeling overwhelmed at the amount of people, strangers to be more accurate and felt his hands smooth down his rented tux nervously.

“Fi, you’re fucking married” Ian exclaimed to his sister who Mickey had to admit looked beautiful. He thought her new husband was a bit of a douchebag but she seemed happy so he guessed that was all that mattered.

“I know, fuck, I still can’t believe it” she replied while beaming at Jimmy who just looked at ease while he sipped on a beer.

“Mickey, thanks for coming too by the way” she said as she pulled him into an unexpected hug.

“Uh yeah, no problem” he mumbled and noticed Ian smiling widely at him.

“Iaannnnn” a loud and animated voice came from behind them.

Although they hadn’t actually met yet Mickey recognised him from some framed pictures at the clinic. Lloyd pulled Ian into a tight hug and it made Mickey feel uncomfortable, no, it made him feel irrationally pissed off.

“Hey Ned” Ian replied and Mickey almost laughed at the nickname, well he would’ve laughed only for the way Lloyd’s hand lingered on the small of Ian’s back.

“You look great Ian” the older man said as his eyes gazed over Ian’s form and Mickey felt his face growing redder by the second. He took a step closer to Ian who appeared to register his feelings causing him to place a comforting arm around Mickey’s waist.

“This is Mickey, my boyfriend” Ian said affectionately as he squeezed Mickey’s waist briefly.

“Oh, this is Mickey” Lloyd said as if recalling something in his memory. He held his hand out and Mickey begrudgingly accepted it “hope you’re doing better now”.

Mickey prickled at the comment but he knew he had to reign himself in, especially considering if it weren’t for this man he wouldn’t be standing there with Ian, who knows where he would be if the man hadn’t allowed him to stay at his clinic. So he swallowed his pride and forced himself to remain calm and collected.

“I am” he said curtly before realising he was appearing ungracious “uh thank you, for you know, letting me stay there” he mumbled while thumbing his lip.

“Oh no need to thank me Mickey, just glad we could help”.

Mickey prickled once more at the way he said “we”. As far as Mickey was concerned the only “we” in the situation was him and Ian, besides it was Ian helped him get better, not Ned or Lloyd or whatever the fuck he was called. He may own the clinic but Ian was the one who took the time and care to help put Mickey back together.

“Yeah Ian’s great, I mean I honestly don’t think I’d be here without him” he found himself saying resolutely while locking eyes with the older man.

“Can’t argue there” Lloyd said firmly while looking between Mickey and Ian “please, excuse me”.

He wandered off and Mickey felt himself exhale.

“The fuck Mickey” Ian said but he sounded more amused than angry.

“What” he shrugged with a slight smirk on his face “cmon I need a drink”.

He took Ian’s hand and heard him chuckle before they grabbed a beer and some weird crab pancake things that were actually pretty delicious.

“Hey asshole” Lip said as he slid up next to them.

“Shithead” Ian replied as the two brothers hugged.

“I was talking to Mickey but whatever” Lip said jokingly and Mickey flipped him off.

“Takes one to know one bitch” he replied with a smirk.

As much as Lip was a bit of an asshole he was starting to grow on him, slowly but he found that he wanted to punch him less and less the more he got to know him.

“Wait, no date Lip, that must be a first” Ian quipped.

“Yeah Amanda is down in Florida, couldn’t come” Lip shrugged while looking around and eyeing up the female guests.

“You’re ridiculous” Ian laughed while nudging Lip with his shoulder.

“What, were not exclusive”.

“If you say so” Ian said before handing his beer to Mickey “need a piss”.

A few moments later Mickey saw Ian coming back when Lloyd approached him.

“Still gives me the creeps” Lip said casually as he ate a mini cheeseburger.

“What does” Mickey muttered while still watching Ian and Lloyd talking in the distance.

“You know, Ian and Lloyd” Lip shrugged.

“The fuck you mean, like him being his boss”

“Shit, look man I thought he would’ve told you, it was a long time ago” Lip stuttered and Mickey got a horrible feeling in his stomach.

With that Ian wandered back, a big goofy smile on his face. He went to kiss Mickey but he felt himself jerk away.

“Mick” Ian asked, his face looking puzzled.

“Tell me you didn’t fuck him Ian” he said quietly. He noticed Ian glance at Lip who looked apologetic before he made a quick escape.

“Mick, I don’t think this is the time or place....”

“Fuck Ian, you’re kidding me” Mickey said, interrupting Ian “it’s true, Jesus”

He couldn’t look at Ian, the images swirling in his brain making him feel sick so he took off towards the clubhouse, hoping to find a quiet spot to be alone.

He heard Ian calling after him and felt his presence behind him.

“Leave me alone Gallagher” he grumbled as he walked into a quiet hallway inside the building.

“No fucking way Mick” Ian said as he grabbed his arm to prevent him from getting away. Damn him and his long ass legs.

Ian looked around before pushing them both inside a large private bathroom which he promptly locked. He looked stressed as he ran his hands though his hair while looking down at the ground.

“What did Lip say” he asked while still refusing to look at Mickey.

“Enough” he muttered angrily “fuck Ian, you should have told me”.

“I know but it’s in the past Mick, he’s just my boss now, I promise you, that’s all he is” Ian sighed and took a step closer to him but he didn’t touch him yet.

“How long…..were you two….” He mumbled.

“Not long, just a couple of months” Ian sighed again before sitting on the edge of the bath “I met him when I first went on the meds, I was stable Mick, he didn’t take advantage or whatever…..”

“You were still a fucking kid Ian, Christ” he exclaimed, realising the situation was even worse than he imagined.

“yeah I guess but I knew what I was doing Mick, I met him at the cub, he became a regular, just dances at first but then it became more….he was nice to me, bought me things, I was flattered…..but then mom died and I became sick and he helped me Mick, he didn’t have to but he did, got me help and when I felt better he even helped me get into college”.

“So what, you fucked him to say thanks for all his help” he heard how petty and cruel he sounded and instantly chastised himself.

“Fuck no Mick” Ian stood up and appeared angry now “I never slept with him again after that, he knows not to even try but yes we have a sort of relationship I guess, he saved my life Mick”.

“Does Jimmy know” he asked, the fire in his belly subsiding a little now.

“No, only Lip knows, no one needs to know Mick, everyone just thinks he did all of that for me for Fiona because she was Jimmy’s boyfriend”.

“Doesn’t seem like he’s over you or whatever, I didn’t like the way he was touching you Ian” he sighed while rubbing his hands down his face.

Ian smiled and stroked his cheek gently “hey, you have absolutely nothing to worry about Mick, I never loved him, the way I feel about you, I never felt like that with him”.

Ian tipped his head up so they could lock eyes before bringing their lips together.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything but after you got out it just didn’t seem necessary and you’re doing so well, I dunno I guess I thought it didn’t matter but you’re right I should’ve told you before today”.

Ian whispered and they kissed more aggressively now, as if they were kissing away all of their previous feelings of stress and anger.

“You’re the only one for me Mick, you know that right” Ian whispered as he kissed down Mickey’s neck.

They were soon grabbing at each other’s bodies and relieving each other of their clothes. They didn’t waste much time on foreplay or prep, desperately needing to feel each other deeply, needing to re connect intimately after their argument.

“Fuck Ian” Mickey moaned as Ian bent him over the sink and pushed his way inside.

It stung a little more than usual but he welcomed the feeing, he needed Ian, all of him.

Ian pumped in and out relentlessly while he held Mickeys throat and tipped his head up.

“Look at me Mick” he ordered as their eyes locked in the mirror.

“You’re mine and I’m yours” Ian grunted as he pounded into him now, causing Mickey to suddenly erupt untouched. He felt himself contract around Ian’s cock before the red head spilled inside him. He realised then that they had fucked without a rubber but it was something to worry about later, for now he was relishing the feeling of Ian’s warmth spilling out of him, as if he had just been claimed.

Ian was still plastered to his back as he kissed him softly on the shoulder. They both panted and breathed heavily and although they had fucked plenty of times before this time felt somewhat different, even more intense and intimate than usual.

“I love you Mick” Ian whispered, his voice sounding small and unsure which was amusing considering his giant cock was still inside Mickey “I don’t expect you to say it back but I just wanted you to know cos its true”.

Mickey felt himself tense up and he tried to open his mouth but no sound came out. Ian simply kissed him again before pulling away and giving Mickey space. They got dressed quietly and made sure they looked presentable before heading back outside.

Later they were sitting listening to the band play some rock ballad and Mickey felt more relaxed, which was probably down to all the free champagne he had consumed with dinner.

“I like this song” he mumbled, aware that he was definitely a little bit drunk.

Ian chuckled and took his hand before pulling him up.

“Nope, nope” he shook his head dramatically which only caused Ian to chuckle more.

“Cmon Mick” Ian said as he guided his drunk ass onto the dance floor.

“Can’t dance Red”

“Sure you can” Ian leaned right in and whispered in his ear “if you can fuck that good then you can dance”.

He felt his cheeks blush and looked around to see if anyone else had heard Ian, who was just smirking at him while he wrapped his arms around him and moved their bodies.

He found himself relaxing against Ian’s chest while he hummed along to the lyrics that he seemed to recall.

“Is this love that I’m feeling?

Is this the love that I’ve been searching for?

Is this love or am I dreaming?

This must be love

Cause it’s really got a hold on me”

He nuzzled into Ian’s neck, inhaling his scent and enjoying his strong arms embracing him tightly.

“Love you too by the way” he mumbled against Ian’s pale skin.

“What” Ian exclaimed as he pulled away slightly so he could look at him properly. Mickey tipped his head up and although he was a little drunk he knew what he was saying and so he smiled at Ian and repeated his words, clearly and firmly.

“I love you too Ian”

Chapter Text

“Feeling the moment slip away

Losing direction you’re losing faith

You’re wishing for someone

Feeling it all begin to slide

Am I just like you?

All the things you do can’t help myself”

“Man I’m so glad that’s over” Ian sighed as he met up with Mickey after his final exam.

Mickey had booked them a table at a pretty nice Italian restaurant in order to celebrate.

“You’ll do great Red” he said confidently as he looked up from the menu and smiled across at him.

Ian cleared his throat which caught his attention “So Ned, I mean Lloyd, offered me a full time job, good pay, good hours, benefits”

Mickey still tensed up whenever he heard his name but he forced himself to be a supportive boyfriend “Sounds like a decent offer, you taking it”

“Dunno” Ian shrugged “might be a good option for a while, you know until I’m actually qualified, can gain more experience, maybe even afford to save some money. I still want to branch out on my own one day though”.

“Sounds like a plan” he mumbled while he browsed the menu, even though he already knew what he was going to order.

“Mick, if you have a problem with it you can tell me” Ian said gently.

“I don’t Ian” he sighed while looking up at him again “I’m fine, really, it sounds like a great opportunity. If you want it then go for it”.

They were interrupted by the waitress who took their orders and Mickey welcomed the interruption, he didn’t want to ruin Ian’s night by causing any unnecessary tension to come between them.

“Im proud of you” he said a moment later as they sipped on the champagne he had secretly ordered earlier.

“Thanks Mick” Ian replied with a bashful smile, which made him look younger and even more adorable than usual “will be you soon” he added and it was Mickey’s turn to blush.

“Just the GED Ian, it’s not the same”

“It’s still something to be proud of Mick, that and your new job and you’re going to start that online course as well right…..you have plenty to feel proud about too”.

He rubbed his nose and grinned at Ian “thanks Red”.

“Just the truth Mick” Ian shrugged as the waitress came and placed their meals in front of them.

“No I mean I couldn’t have done any of it without you” he replied after she had left again.

“I helped sure but you’re the one who has done it Mick, you don’t give yourself enough credit”.

Ian took his hand and they ate in comfortable silence, mostly one handed, while stealing glances at each other.

They decided to stroll back to the Milkovich house as it was closer and his brothers were supposed to be out. His sister, who had become a close friend of Ian’s recently may have also threatened him if he didn’t bring Ian by so she could congratulate him too. She even went to the trouble of buying decorations and snacks and beer so he had reluctantly caved and agreed to stay there tonight.

They approached the house and already he had that same sinking feeling. He knew it was irrational but he still felt anxious every time he brought Ian home. In fact he had already started saving in the hopes that someday soon he could move out into his own place, putting some much needed distance between him and this house of horrors.

He opened the door and called out for Mandy but was surprised to see 4 other faces sitting around the kitchen table, those of his brothers, his uncle Ronnie and another vaguely familiar face which he thought belonged to an old buddy of his uncles. He instantly felt himself still and begin to feel shaky and sweaty.

“The fuck you all doing here” he said defensively before Mandy walked out of her bedroom, a concerned look on her face.

“Met Uncle Ron in the Alibi, came back here for another beer” Iggy shrugged and Mickey noticed he looked a bit drunk and probably a bit stoned too.

“You not happy to see your Uncle Mickey” Ronnie asked, a sharp tone to his voice and Mickey didn’t miss how the man eyed Ian who was still standing behind him.

“Not particularly” he replied, sounding surer of himself than he felt inside. He hadn’t seen the man in years and that was mostly on purpose. He had no intention of being in his presence again, not if he could help it.

“You didn’t come to your father’s funeral” Ronnie said but his words sounded more like an accusation than a statement of fact.

“Wasn’t around” he said with a pause “and even if I were I wouldn’t have gone”.

He saw Ronnie’s nostrils flare and his eyes grow wide and he found himself taking a step back but then he felt Ian’s body behind him and felt grounded again. Ian must have sensed his tension and placed his hand on his back.

“How dare you disrespect your father like that” Ronnie was standing up now and pointing his finger at him while his siblings looked on, their faces looking wary and maybe even afraid.

Mickey laughed dryly and thumbed his nose “you’re fucking kidding right, the only reason I would have went to that funeral was to make sure that fucker was really dead and to piss on his grave”.

Mickey felt he may have gone too far but part of him was so fucking mad at his Uncle that he just didn’t care enough about the consequences. Ronnie launched himself at Mickey so quickly he had little time to react. Ronnie grabbed him and threw him to the ground but before he could do anything else Ian had stepped in between them and shoved his Uncle backwards, so hard he almost fell over.

“And who the fuck are you, another one of his pillow biting faggoty ass boyfriends”

“Touch him again and you’ll get your ass handed to you by this faggot” Ian said, his voice sounding almost like a growl.

Ronnie laughed and held up his hands in mock fear and Mickey figured it was over but then his Uncle drew back his fist before punching Ian, connecting with his jaw. Mickey instinctively jumped up and tackled his Uncle until he was sitting on top of him and laying into him repeatedly until he heard Ian’s voice say “enough Mick” and felt his arms pulling him off Ronnie.

He looked up and saw the shocked faces of his siblings who looked frozen to the spot and then at his Uncle who was bleeding from his face.

“I couldn’t let him….not again” he muttered, more to himself than to the others in the room.

His Uncles friend, who also seemed just as shocked and confused helped Ronnie up and dragged him out the door.

“The fuck Mickey” Iggy said as he stared at his bloodied knuckles.

Ian guided him quietly towards the bathroom and closed the door. He sat him down on the toilet and began cleaning his hands while Mickey continued to remain in his trance like state. He was aware of what was going on but he couldn’t seem to speak or acknowledge anything. His brain felt foggy and his thoughts were a jumbled mess, with old memories coming flooding back. It was too much and he pushed his fists into his eyes in an attempt to forget and perhaps an attempt to stop the tears that were falling too.

“Mick” Ian said as he held his hands and pulled them down “Mick look at me”.

Ian’s voice soothed him and helped him to feel somewhat grounded so he reluctantly opened his eyes.

“Hey” Ian said softly “it’s ok, I’m here”.

“I couldn’t let him hurt you Ian, not again, never again, I didn’t stop it before….” he mumbled almost incoherently.

“He didn’t Mick, look at me, I’m fine ok”.

He felt Ian stroke his cheek and jaw before he went back to cleaning his hands.

He then allowed Ian to undress him before he pulled him into bed, with Ian wrapping his arms around him from behind and whispering comforting words in his ear until he drifted off.

----

“No. Stop. Ian”.

He heard his voice screaming before he jumped up in the bed, sweat stuck to his skin and his heart pounding.

“Shush, Mick, you’re ok” he heard but it took him a minute to get his bearings and realise who the voice belonged to.

“Ian” he croaked as he took in the face before him and he reached out to touch him, as if to make sure he was really there and more importantly that he was ok.

“Cmere” Ian said as he pulled Mickey down onto his chest and wrapped his arms around him. The sound of Ian’s heart thumping helped to soothe him.

“It was so real….it felt so real” he whispered as Ian kissed his head and stroked his hair.

“I know Mick but it wasn’t real, was just a nightmare”.

“It was you this time….they were hurting you….” He sobbed onto Ian’s chest, the memories flooding his brain and causing him to feel broken all over again.

“Im sorry…..I’m sorry” he whispered over and over while Ian just held him and let him cry.

He woke up some time later and it was bright out this time. He was still wrapped up in Ian’s arms and he felt like he never wanted to leave. Luckily he wasn’t due back in work for 2 days because he felt like crap and couldn’t have faced it. He took in his bruised knuckles and frowned before noticing the bruise on Ian’s face and frowned even more. That old familiar feeling of guilt swept over him, just like it had many times before.

He sat up and felt Ian stir beside him.

“Hey Mick, you ok”

“Honestly, no, not really” he mumbled.

Ian sat up and kissed his shoulder “you wanna talk about it”.

He shook his head and looked away from Ian “Cant. Not yet”.

Ian kissed him again “Love you”.

“Love you too Red”.

He stood up needing some distance between them for some reason and he opened the bedroom door to call Ozzy. Shit, with everything that had happened he had totally forgotten about him.

“He’s in my room” Mandy said as she passed by his room and opened her bedroom door.

“Hey buddy” he murmured while kissing and petting the dog, who seemed very happy to see him.

“Thanks Mands”

“Anytime Mick….you ok” she asked tentatively.

He shrugged and was thankful that Ian chose that moment to come up behind him and greet Mandy.

“I made pancakes” she offered “Oh and congrats by the way Ian”.

“Uh yeah thanks Mandy”.

Mickey laughed dryly at the realisation that despite his efforts he had still somehow managed to ruin Ian’s night.

“Shit Ian….fuck….I’m such an asshole” he rubbed his hands down his face and exhaled sharply.

“What the fuck Mick, you are so not an asshole” Ian said as he hugged him from behind.

“Ruined everything….just like I always do”

He felt himself spiralling and tearing up again.

“Hey shut the fuck up” Ian ordered before kissing his neck “you didn’t ruin anything, that asshole did, you stood up for yourself and for me and I’m proud of you for that”.

“But you got hurt Ian….because of me” he whispered.

“No I didn’t” Ian said, his voice firmer than he had ever heard before “I got hurt because some homophobic asshole punched me for defending you and it was worth it”.

“The fuck you mean Ian”

“I’d take a punch for you any day Mick….hell I’d take a fucking bullet for you”.

“Dramatic much” he said and couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped his lips.

“Just the truth Mick, if you hadn’t jumped in I was about to beat his ass up” Ian chuckled.

“Is that so tough guy”

“Someone messes with you then they’re in trouble, simple” Ian joked.

“My hero” Mickey replied sarcastically causing Ian to bite his neck gently.

“Asshole” Ian muttered.

“Thought you just said I wasn’t an asshole Red” he said with a smug grin.

“Whatever, we getting pancakes or not”

----

Mickey had hoped that the nightmare was a once off but that was just wishful thinking. If anything they were worse than ever, far more vivid and more frequent. It’s not that they weren’t bad before but ever since he met Ian and fell in love with him the thought that anything could happen to him terrified Mickey.

He knew it was irrational of course, his Dad was dead and Ronnie seemed to be keeping his distance now so deep down he should be able to accept that his mind was just playing tricks on him, it was linking old memories to present ones because he was still fucked up. And of course he knew why he was still fucked up because he hadn’t dealt with any of it, he hadn’t even told Ian yet. Instead he continued to bury it in the hope that it would disappear from his head and maybe it would be like it had never happened in the first place.

“Mick, you can’t keep going on like this” Ian whispered in the middle of the night a week later after he woke up screaming and sweating once again.

He didn’t even respond because he was angry and frustrated but secretly accepted that Ian was right. He knew from his time at the clinic that talking did help but this was different, there was too much shame and guilt involved and ultimately he feared that Ian wouldn’t see him in the same way or worse, might not love him anymore.

“Please Mick, just talk to me” Ian pleaded and Mickey felt himself tense up again while tears pooled in the corners of his eyes.

“Ian….I…..I can’t….it’s too much….I don’t wanna lose you” he stuttered quietly as he sat on the edge of the bed with his back to Ian.

He felt Ian sit up and move closer “what do you mean Mick, you can’t lose me, I love you, nothing you could say or do would change that. Look if you can’t talk to me then maybe you should talk to someone else, I can find a good therapist….”

He turned around quickly and interrupted Ian “No, no way, fucking hard enough talking to you about this shit”

Ian rested his head on his upper back and ran his hands up and down his arms.

“I’m just worried about you” the red head whispered “I just want to help you know, you’re in pain Mick and it kills me”.

“I’m sorry Ian” he mumbled before getting up and taking a long hot shower even though it was the middle of the night effectively and he wasn’t due in work for hours. He let the water wash away the tears that were still falling and concentrated on his breathing in the hopes that he could get himself together just enough to face the day.

----

Mickey found that when he was at work he was able to distract himself enough that he forgot about all the dark thoughts that were fighting to take over his mind. He felt confident and empowered there, knowing Mike had faith in him and that he was working in a job that meant something helped him reconcile the negative beliefs he held about himself.

When he was at the shelter surrounded by people he actually liked who seemed to like him back he didn’t feel like a piece of south side trash anymore, he just felt like a normal human being who was trying their best to make a difference in this fucked up world. That’s why he decided to give in after Nate’s repeated attempts to get him to socialise.

“Ok fine, I’ll come out tonight, anything to stop you being so damn annoying” he joked as Nate chuckled and high fived him like an idiot.

“Bring your hot red head too” Nate smirked and Mickey flipped him off.

“Hey you keep your eyes off him” Mickey pointed his finger and Nate held his hands up in mock defence.

Mick (5.45pm) You wana come out with my annoying ass co-workers tonight?

Ian (5.46pm) Sure, where x

Mickey sent off the location of the bar to Ian and freshened up in the bathroom at work before he headed out with Nate and Celeste. Mike had his son over that night so he waved them off.

The bar was a typical new trendy place with gourmet burgers and fancy ass beers and cocktail menus. But it also had a cool juke box and pool tables so it wasn’t all bad he figured.

They grabbed a booth and ordered some beers, Mickey sticking to the plain old classic American style of course and ordered some wings and fries to share. It wasn’t long until he saw his beautiful red head walking in the door and waving over like the giant goofball he is.

“Hey handsome” Ian purred as he kissed Mickey right there in front of everyone, something Mickey was still not entirely used to yet.

“Nate, Celeste, Ian, whatever” he mumbled as he waved his hand in a half assed introduction.

“Hey Guys” Ian said as he sat down next to Mickey “Celeste, I remember you, Nate heard a lot about you”

“Really, all good I hope” Nate said with a cheeky grin and Mickey rolled his eyes.

“Well if you call hitting on my boyfriend good then yeah” Ian shrugged as he grabbed a fry and raised an eyebrow at him.

Mickey chuckled as Nate actually blushed and looked apologetic for once in his life.

“Just fucking with you” Ian said with a laugh, putting Nate out of his misery “can’t blame you, he does have a really nice ass”.

“Fucks sake” Mickey mumbled as he stood up and walked over to the juke box to put some songs on.

“See” he heard Ian say and knew that he was checking his ass out so he flipped him off but secretly loved that Ian was so open about his attraction to him.

The evening was pretty damn good, a lot better than he had expected. Ian was his usual charming self and he got on with Nate and Celeste like a house on fire. They all laughed and drank and ate and Mickey was feeling better than he had in days. They were milling around outside saying their goodbyes and attempting to depart in opposite directions when Mickey heard someone say something as they passed by.

“The fuck you just say” he shouted after the two men.

“Seen you two queers in there all cosy, kissing and holding hands, fucking disgusting” one of the men said while the other one laughed in agreement.

“Dunno dude, the red head looks like he could be a good time though” the other man laughed again “few more beers and I could pretend he’s a woman”.

Ian grabbed a hold of him as he stepped forward “leave it Mick, they’re not worth it”.

“What’s that gingerbread, you fancy a round with a real man huh” the two men slapped each other on the backs like they were very pleased with themselves but Mickey was just starting to see red and feel a little homicidal.

“Real man, where” Nate said with a laugh while looking around dramatically “oh you mean you two morons; you two couldn’t find a prostate or a g spot with a compass and a map”.

Mickey couldn’t help but laugh and feel weirdly impressed with Nate.

“You want to come over here and say that to my face faggot” the bigger guy said. Mickey wasn’t sure the guy even fully understood the joke but was taking offence anyway.

“No thanks, doesn’t look like your personal hygiene is something I want to be that close to” Nate shrugged and chuckled which caused the two men to advance on them.

Mickey instinctively stood in front of Ian and his friends and held out his hand “enough of this shit, why don’t you two cavemen fuck off before someone gets hurt alright” he said through gritted teeth.

The bigger guy stepped forward into Mickeys face and he was about to lose his shit when Ian stepped in between them.

“Like he said, enough, you go that way, were going this way, that’s the end of this bullshit” Ian said and the guy looked him up and down before spitting on the ground and backing off.

Ian dragged Mickey away and the four of them headed off in the opposite direction. A few minutes later and Nate and Celeste had departed while Ian was trying to persuade Mickey to call an Uber but he was feeling too keyed up and wanted to walk off the excessive adrenaline. They were just passing an alleyway when Mickey felt someone grab him from behind and pull him away.

“Fucking faggots think they’re so smart” he heard as someone punched him in the stomach. He looked up and saw Ian being held back by the bigger man from earlier. He realised they must have followed them and were waiting until they were alone.

“Think we need to teach them a lesson huh” the bigger man said to the smaller man who was standing over Mickey.

With that the smaller man stepped back and punched Ian in the stomach while the bigger man held his arms behind his back. Mickey felt winded but it was nothing compared to the rage that crept up inside. Without even thinking he jumped up on the smaller man’s back and managed to pull him down before kicking him in the stomach and then the face. Ian had elbowed the other man which caused him to release him momentarily so that Ian could punch him in the jaw. Mickey could see that the other man was barely winded however and feared for Ian. He knew the red head was tough and could handle himself but this guy was bigger and had that look, the look of viciousness and hate that Mickey had seen before.

Mickey was about to run at the man when he realised he was being held back again. He had been distracted by Ian enough that the smaller man had managed to stand up and grab him from behind. He was stupid for making such a mistake, by turning his back on an assailant. Ian was still struggling with the bigger man who seemed angrier by the minute until he head butted Ian, hard enough that Ian dropped to his knees.

Mickey tried desperately to get free and could feel himself growling like an animal. His vision seemed blurry and his mind was cloudy. All he saw was a red mist of rage and all he felt was a consuming feeling that he wanted to rip these two men apart with his bare hands.

“Fucking touch him again and I’ll kill you, mother fucker” he shouted.

“Doesn’t look like you are in a position to do anything” the man replied before punching Ian in the face.

He saw Ian fall over and hold his face and something inside him died a little. The man appeared to look around for something and laughed when he found what looked like an iron bar thrown behind a bin.

“Don’t worry I wouldn’t want to touch either of you faggots….doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun tough” the man laughed darkly and Mickey started to panic, realising his intention when he pushed Ian down onto his front and held him down while he attempted to pull down his jeans.

Mickey doesn’t really remember much after that. He figures he got free of the man that was holding him and somehow got the better of the bigger man because the next thing he remembered was him standing over the man with the iron bar in his hand and Ian shouting at him to stop. He only stopped when he turned around and almost hit Ian with that same bloodied bar.

“Ian” he whispered, his voice sounding small like a child’s.

“It’s ok Mick” Ian replied as he slowly took the bar out of his hand.

Mickey turned back around and looked at the man, who was beaten to a pulp and almost unrecognisable but he moaned so at least he wasn’t dead.

“I called the police Mick”

Ian’s words made him panic instantly. He didn’t trust the police and he had almost killed someone, surely he would go to prison.

“It’s ok Mick” Ian spoke softly as he pulled him into a hug “its self-defence, they attacked us, I had to call it in”

He just nodded and held onto Ian, unable to speak or snap out of the daze he was in.

The next few hours were a haze of uniforms and questions and examinations until they were allowed to finally leave. He couldn’t really take anything in other than Ian’s voice which kept repeating things like “it’s ok” or “I’m here”.

He stood in the shower next to Ian at his place and sank into his body, allowing him to wash him and take care of him until they lay down in bed. Just like before Ian held him close from behind and tried to comfort him but he didn’t really hear him this time. All he heard was the sounds of screams.

----

Mickey tried to help him but he couldn’t, the arms holding him were too strong. It was his fault. He got sloppy, he got cocky, he was too busy thinking about himself, trying to feel defiant and sticking it to his old man. He tried to look away but a strong hand forced him to watch. The smell of sweat and blood overpowered his senses. The sound of grunts and moans and screams filled his ears until all he could hear was his own voice pleading and begging but all he heard in return were laughs and slurs and taunts and jeers.

“No, stop, let me go” he lashed out before looking around while trying to focus his eyes.

It was then he remembered where he was and looked confused at Ian who was holding his hand to his face, a fresh red mark starting to appear near his eye.

“Ian, what….” He trailed off while it started to hit him.

“Mick, its ok, you didn’t mean to” Ian approached him tentatively but he jerked away defensively.

“I….did that” he whispered quietly, almost just to himself.

“You were having another nightmare Mick, it was an accident, I shouldn’t have tried to wake you”

“I’m sorry” he gasped before a tear fell “fuck Ian”.

“Hey Mick, look at me” Ian said in that calm but demanding voice that has had the same grounding effect on him since day one at the clinic. He locked eyes hesitantly with Ian who looked at him with nothing but love and concern “it was an accident, I’m absolutely fine, just come here”.

He looked down at the ground and shook his head, afraid of himself more than Ian. It felt to him like all his fears were coming true and Ian was getting hurt because of him. He clutched at his chest, starting to feel that old familiar feeling like he couldn’t breathe and he might pass out at any moment.

Ian stepped into his personal space and he tried to push him back but Ian just wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. His strong body felt like a weighted security blanket and his hands felt soothing as they stroked his hair.

“Breathe with me Mick” he whispered into his ear and Mickey felt himself start to focus on the steady rhythm of Ian’s heartbeat.

“That’s it, it’s just you and me here, no one else, you’re safe, I got you”.

He closed his eyes and just settled his head against Ian’s chest while he counted his breaths in his head, until he felt relatively stable again.

“Please let me help you Mick, please talk to me, it’s getting worse”.

“Ian…I….don’t think I can” he stuttered softly, his face still resting against Ian’s bare chest.

“You can Mick and you need to, if not with me, then someone else”.

Mickey started to feel angry and frustrated. Not necessarily with Ian but with himself. He knew that Ian was just trying to fix him, make him better but he didn’t think he could be fixed, he believed something had broken that day inside him and it was beyond repair. He pushed Ian backwards and rubbed at his moist eyes.

“Fuck Ian….you make it sound like this is easy but you can’t fix everything….I’m fucked for life alright….maybe you’re better….” he sighed and rubbed at his eyes harder as he started pulling on his clothes and gathering his shit together.

“Wait Mick, what the fuck are you doing, you can’t just leave now” Ian pleaded, his own voice sounding angry and frustrated now.

“I need to go Ian and you need to let me go” he muttered as headed to the bedroom door.

“Why the fuck does that sound like a loaded statement Mick” Ian replied, his voice sounding strained and broken.

“I’m sorry Ian”

Chapter Text

“I’m high above the world

Why should I feel pain

Or feel alone

To be protected like a simple boy….

Simple boy, stay here

Simple boy, don’t wander

Simple boy, you’re safe here”

“Mickey you can’t stay in there forever”.

He rolled over and ignored his sister’s voice as he pulled the blanket up over his head. He heard Ozzy whine as the dog tried to nuzzle him but even his furry best friend couldn’t get him out of that bed. He hadn’t moved much in 3 days, at least he thought it was 3 days, other than to get more beer from the fridge. He had even gone as far as to lock his door after Ian dropped by the first time and Mandy had let him in the house. Luckily Mike believed his lie about being sick with a summer cold and he had told him to take the week off.

He drank and smoked weed until he passed out, hoping the chemicals would numb his brain enough that he could have even one night’s sleep without another nightmare but it was futile. The previous night Ozzy had whined so much from stress he felt guilty and broke down right there on the floor, his arms wrapped around his dog’s furry body in an attempt to get some comfort. He knew deep down that he couldn’t go on like this but a part of him still believed that he was a hopeless case.

He drifted off again until he heard a knock at the door which surprised him as his siblings wouldn’t knock like that, they’d just shout or curse at him through the door usually.

“It’s Mike buddy” he heard the deep voice and sat up in shock.

The fuck was his boss doing here, he thought he was sick, why would he come to check on him for just having a simple cold.

“Fuck”, he muttered to himself while Ozzy wandered over to the door and looked at him as if to tell him there was someone waiting on the other side of the door.

“Yes I fucking know Oz” he exclaimed as he ran his hands down his face.

He knew he couldn’t ignore him, not like Mike didn’t know he was in there.

“Mickey I know you’re awake, just open the door man”.

He sighed and padded over slowly to the door and took a deep breath before opening it up.

“Hey” Mike said, his voice sounding unusually soft and nervous.

“Uh yeah, hey” he replied while holding the door defensively, almost like a shield in front of his body.

“Can I come in” his boss asked and Mickey raised his eyebrow at him.

“Probably not a good idea, you know germs and all that” Mickey sniffed for effect but Mike just smirked at him.

“You and I both know you don’t have a cold Mickey”.

“Fuck” he hissed and stood back so the other man could enter “who the fuck called you”.

“Ian”

“Of course” he thumbed his lip “what did he tell you”.

“Enough” Mike paused while petting Ozzy and then sat on the edge of his bed “he’s worried Mickey and frankly I am too”.

“I’m handling it alright”.

His boss eyed the half smoked joint in the ashtray and the empty beer bottles before locking eyes with him “yeah sure looks like it”.

“The fuck you want me to say huh, look I’m sorry about work and letting you down, your fucking stupid fault for trusting me anyway, better off without me, just like Ian”.

“Seriously Mickey, that’s what this is, you’re feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in self-pity, shit I thought you were a hard ass who doesn’t take shit from anyone”.

Mikes words caught him off guard. He had expected more sympathy or soft annoying ass words, not this bullshit.

“The fuck….I don’t take shit from anyone, including you” he replied defensively.

“Really, then why you shitting all over yourself huh”.

“That’s not….” He trailed off not exactly sure how to respond to Mike.

“You’re right to not take shit from anyone but why are you treating yourself like shit Mickey, why are determined to destroy yourself and destroy what you have with Ian”.

He felt himself stiffen at the mention of Ian and felt is stomach sink.

“That’s not what I’m doing, Ian deserves better, I can’t protect him, he’ll only end up getting hurt”.

“The fuck does that even mean man” Mike sighed and rubbed the back of his neck “newsflash pal Ian is already hurt ok, you ignoring him for the past 3 days is hurting him”.

“He’ll get over it when he realises he’s better off” he mumbled as he stared down at the ground.

“Oh fuck off with that bullshit man, he fucking loves your annoying ass and you love him, you’re better off together and I know you still believe that even if you’re just refusing to admit it”.

“Mike, you don’t get it, I’m not good enough, I’m fucked up, I’ve done fucked up shit, fucking damaged goods or whatever”.

“Were all fucked up, you’re not special Mickey” Mike chuckled dryly and Mickey was bewildered “all I know is you’re one of the lucky ones who found someone who accepts you, fucked up past and all, I wasn’t so lucky, my wife, well ex-wife, she never got over all the shit I’ve done and as much as I still love her she just sees me as bad news. But Ian doesn’t see you like that, what you and he have is the real deal man”.

“That’s just it though, he doesn’t know everything, he doesn’t know the worst shit, I can’t admit that shit to myself Mike how can I admit it to him” he pushed his fists into his eyes again feeling that now familiar sting at the back of them.

“Well first you have to admit it yourself and then you have to own that shit, you can’t change any of it so what’s the point in holding onto it so tightly that its slowly killing you from the inside out. My hands are anything but clean Mickey, you know that, literally had blood on my hands but I can’t change it, all I can do is try and change who I am now and try to be a better man today than I was yesterday”.

“Easier said than done” he huffed.

“Not fucking easy at all Mickey, you think I don’t wake up some days and feel like a piece of shit, picture all the people I’ve hurt, want to lose myself in the bottom of a bottle but I refuse to do it because I have responsibilities, I have a son and my dogs and my employees, sometimes we get so lost in our own bad shit that we forget about the good shit we have”.

“So you’re saying I need to get over myself” he laughed sarcastically.

“Not exactly” Mike laughed dryly “what I’m saying is that sometimes we need to take a step back and realise that we have shit worth fighting for and worth holding on to. And maybe you don’t feel that you deserve the good shit so you don’t want to try but don’t you think Ian deserves you to fight for him, to fight for yourself, to try”.

“Fuck Mike” he sighed and bit his lip “it’s just a lot, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel fucking normal or whatever, too much dark shit has happened”.

“Normal isn’t real Mickey. You need to stop comparing yourself to others and you need to stop beating yourself up man, especially about shit that’s out of your control, this is no way to live” Mike gestured around the room and stepped forward grabbing him by the shoulders “you’re better than this Mickey, you deserve better, don’t fucking quit on us”.

He felt the tears falling now and he sucked in a deep breath. He really wanted to believe him and the idea that Ian could think of him as a quitter, that he wasn’t willing to fight for him, for them, well that thought hurt the most. For the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, he had something worth fighting for. Well, someone worth fighting for. He wasn’t sure how to fix all the shit that was wrong inside his head but in that moment he felt determined to try, if not for his sake then for Ian’s.

----

Mickey must have been standing outside the door for only a matter of minutes but it felt like an eternity. His palms were sweating as he finally knocked on the door and he felt himself take a deep intake of air before it was finally opened.

“Mick”

“Hey Red”

“Are you ok, what are you doing here” Ian asked and Mickey frowned at how tired and dishevelled he looked.

“Figured we should talk” he shrugged and Ian nodded for him to come in. Mickey could tell Ian was holding back and desperate to reach out to him but he appreciated his will power.

He rubbed his nose awkwardly and felt himself blush, it was strange how they appeared uncomfortable and unsure around each other after only a matter of days apart.

“Uh sit” Ian said “you want a drink or something, coffee”

“Think I’m gonna need something stronger” he quipped dryly.

“Right, have beer” Ian suggested before taking in Mickey’s face “or…..might have…..yes found it”

Ian pulled out a bottle of whiskey from the back of the cupboard and grabbed 2 glasses.

“Christmas present, not really my thing” the red head explained while Mickey nodded at the second glass “well figured now might be a good time to try it out” Ian said with a light nervous laugh.

Mickey downed the glass that Ian handed to him and Ian immediately poured a second one which he nursed. Ian remained quiet even though Mickey knew he must be bursting to ask questions.

“Sorry” he muttered.

“You don’t need to apologise Mick” Ian replied gently.

“Fucking course I do Ian, I shouldn’t have ignored you all week but I just didn’t know what to say you know”.

“I get it, you think I haven’t done the same before, ran away and tried to hide from shit”

“Yeah but still, it was a shitty thing to do to you, I just thought it was best you know, was afraid of hurting you again”.

Ian took his hand in his and Mickey sighed at the relief of his touch.

“I understand, you did what you had to, I just hope you realise that you don’t need to deal with this alone”.

“Something’s really wrong with me Ian” he whispered quietly.

“Nothing’s wrong with you Mick, no more than something’s wrong with me, it’s an illness, your mind is just sick and needs to heal”.

“I want to try Ian….fuck….I just don’t know what to do, where to start”.

“Well I think you need to talk firstly, whether to me or another therapist and maybe you might need some medication at least for a little while to help you sleep and deal with the anxiety. I can’t tell you how to fix it Mick, it doesn’t work like that, everyone’s different”.

“I don’t know if I can talk to a stranger, I don’t think they’d understand, not that I think you will either” he shook his head and sipped the second glass of whiskey.

“Whatever you want Mick, you have to feel comfortable and go at your own pace”.

“Really thought  I was doing better you know, since I got out and being with you….the other night, fuck, it was like being right back there” he muttered as he downed his drink.

“Being back where Mick”

He felt his heart thump and held his head in his hands. Ian rubbed his hand softly up and down his back and he closed his eyes and counted to 10 in his head while focussing on the warmth of Ian’s hands.

“The night I died Ian” he said with a dry laugh “least that’s what it feels like, a part of me died anyway or maybe I just wished I really had”.

“Mick….”

He held his hand up to indicate that Ian should remain quiet and Ian promptly nodded and stopped speaking.

“I know Mandy told you about Terry, what he was like, the abuse and the jobs and all that shit….she doesn’t know any of this Ian, this stays between me and you, promise me” He locked eyes with Ian who nodded once more and squeezed his hand.

“I tried to hide it you know, liking guys, did a good job too for years but Terry was away so much that I got sloppy and started going out more…met this guy in Boystown and I don’t know guess I liked him or whatever so we started hooking up every weekend….we had this spot....an old abandoned building….he still lived at home so couldn’t go there you know….still don’t know how he found out but he followed us….him and Uncle Ron” he paused to take a breathe and noticed Ian hadn’t touched his drink so he took it out of his hand and sipped it “its fucked up but I know he was more mad that I was taking it you know, if I was giving it he probably would have just punched me or whatever, told me that Milkovich men don’t bottom and left it at that….but no he fucking lost it when he saw me taking it up the ass…..We didn’t even notice them until Terry had pulled Jamie off me….fuck I was so scared…I’d seen him fag bash before but this was something else…..I jumped on Terry but Ronnie grabbed me and held me back, I was just a kid and he was too big…..they made me watch…..”

He trailed off and Ian moved closer, wrapping his arm around his shoulder but remaining silent next to him. He rubbed his eyes and exhaled.

“Fuck Ian, I tried to help him, I swear I did….when it got too much I tried to look way but Ronnie held my face towards them and Terry laughed while he punched him and kicked him and……”

“It’s ok Mick, just take your time” Ian whispered.

“Terry had an iron bar….like the other night….he put it in my hand and told me to choose….Jamie or me….said if I was a real man I’d use it on Jamie….sick fuck….I couldn’t….told him he’d have to kill me first….so he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger only the chamber was empty….he fucking laughed and said it was my lucky day like it was a sign or some shit so instead he let me off easy, just pistol whipped me”.

“Jesus Mick” Ian said softly and Mickey finally broke down.

“Don’t even know what happened to him….never saw him again….they probably killed him and dumped his body in the lake or something” Mickey paused and wiped his eyes before continuing “after that Terry would drag me out whenever he was in the mood to beat up some poor fag down in Boystown and fuck Ian I did it, he didn’t even have to pull a gun on me but I’d punch them or kick them….afterwards Terry would just pat me on the back like he was proud of me or some shit”.

“Mick, you know none of it was your fault right”

“Fucking feels like it Ian….if I hadn’t of met him or kept meeting him or got stupid….course Terry was gonna find out”

“Explains the other night” Ian mused.

“huh”

“When you uh lost it you were calling that guy Terry” Ian explained softly.

“Shit” he rubbed his hands down his face “see Ian, I’m fucked up and I’m fucking dangerous”.

“Fuck Mick you’re not dangerous, you were just triggered the other night and felt overwhelmed to protect me that’s all but you do need to deal with what happened or it’s gonna keep affecting you like that”.

“I don’t know how to deal with it, how to fucking let it go or whatever, don’t think I can ever forget it”

“You don’t need to forget it Mick, just make peace with it, accept that it happened and it was out of your control. You’re punishing yourself for it even though it wasn’t your fault and you were a victim too”.

He felt Ian’s hand run up the back of his neck and squeeze affectionately. Mickey closed his eyes before leaning his head against Ian’s shoulder and sighing.

“So fucking tired you know”.

“I know Mick”.

“I missed you so fucking much” he murmured against Ian’s neck.

“Missed you too Mick but I’m here, always here for you” Ian said as he kissed his head.

He felt overcome with an intense need to feel close to Ian again, to re connect.

He started kissing Ian’s neck only to have the man pull away.

“What are you doing Mick” Ian exclaimed while looking at him intently.

“Need you Ian” he purred and maybe it was the whiskey or the feeling of vulnerability he was experiencing but he needed to be comforted by Ian in the most intimate way possible.

“No, this isn’t right Mick, I can’t, not like this”

“Fucks sake Ian, I need this ok, stop being such a pussy” he shouted as he stood up and towered over Ian.

Ian promptly stood up however and tried to hold him gently which seemed to only make him more angry.

“Fuck you Ian, you said you were here for me”

“I am Mick but you’re upset and just told me some fucking heavy shit so I don’t want to take advantage of the state you’re in”.

He laughed sarcastically and shoved Ian away from him “how is it taking advantage when I’m asking you for it….I need your cock in me Ian….I need you to make me feel good and take my mind off all that shit I just blurted out”.

“Mick, cmon…”

“You know what fine, if you won’t be a man and fuck me then I’ll just have to find someone who will”.

He smirked angrily at Ian and turned to walk towards the front door only to feel Ian push him up against it and grab his hands behind his back, holding him in place.

“You fucking kidding me Mick, seriously” Ian said loudly, his mouth brushing against Mickey’s cheek as he spoke.

He struggled against Ian but it was no use, he was bigger and stronger after all and it only made Mickey feel more turned on. He pushed back against Ian and felt that he too was turned on so he rubbed his ass against his cock and felt Ian growing harder.

“Yeah that’s what I thought Red” he chuckled dryly before Ian dragged him over to the couch and bent him over.

Ian wasted no time in pulling down his jeans and boxers and spat on his hole before pushing a finger inside him.

“This what you want huh” Ian muttered against his ear causing Mickey to moan and push back against his hand.

“Fuck you” Mickey replied knowing it would spur Ian on more and he was enjoying Ian being angry and frustrated with him, hopefully it would translate into a good hard pounding.

“Fucking brat you know that” Ian mumbled as he pushed a second finger inside him and started to stretch him open.

“You gonna keeping yapping or fuck me freckles”.

With that Ian pushed into him with his entire cock and the burn felt fucking amazing. It’s what Mickey needed, that mixture of pleasure and pain. Ever since the wedding they had stopped using condoms after having the “talk” and realising they were both clean, having not fucked anyone else since they were both last tested. Mickey couldn’t get enough of feeling Ian raw inside him, it somehow made the sex even hotter.

“You want this huh” Ian said as he dragged his cock out real slow and slammed it back into him.

“Uh fuck” Mickey moaned as Ian fucked him relentlessly.

“Yeah that’s it, take my cock…..not so fucking smart now huh Mick” Ian panted as he fucked into him hard and fast.

He felt Ian grab him by the throat and lift him slightly off the couch while he rammed his prostate over and over.

“Jesus Christ Ian” he panted knowing he was close.

Ian moaned into his ear and sucked on his neck before whispering “I love you” and then it was game over. He groaned loudly as he came untouched and seconds later Ian came inside him, gripping his hips tightly as he pulsed and pulsed until he collapsed against Mickey’s back.

“Damn Red I need to piss you off more often”

“Asshole” Ian replied but Mickey could tell he was smirking.

Mickey turned around as Ian slipped out of him and connected their mouths.

“Love you too by the way”.

Chapter Text

“Today will be different, that day is gone

Little change in the weather, break through the sun

The darker the night, the brighter you burn

And when it comes, you will know

The weight will fall from your bones”

“Knew you’d pass, so fucking proud of you Mick”

Mickey blushed and felt proud too, so what if it was just the GED it was still an achievement and one that most Milkoviches never achieved. He momentarily thought of his dad and how he’d probably call it a waste of time or some pussy bullshit but Mickey felt “normal” or at least more like other people. So yeah, fuck you Terry he thought as he smiled up at his beaming boyfriend.

The past month he had been attending counselling sessions once a week and working hard to ease his anxiety mostly through mindfulness and breathing techniques including yes, yoga. He laughed hard when Ian had suggested it until he realised the red head was serious but then they compromised and decided to just follow a you tube class together at home, well at Ian’s apartment and Mickey was pleasantly surprised.

At first he couldn’t sit still or relax and felt like an idiot much to Ian’s amusement but once he saw how sexy Ian looked on that floor, legs and ass all over the place he figured it might be worth a try, hell even if it was just another form of foreplay. He caught Ian admiring his own ass a few times and playfully scolded Ian for not paying attention in class. But in the end he begrudgingly had to admit that he felt better for it, he felt calmer and physically better too.

They had decided that he should speak to someone other than Ian as he was too personally involved and Mickey eventually found a therapist who wasn’t a total asshole and sure it took a few sessions to open up but he was able to unload and gain an outsiders perspective. He was trying to work on his trust and self-esteem issues while dealing with his lingering guilt but with the help of Ian and the therapist he was slowly coming to terms with what had happened.

His nightmares were a rare occurrence again and when they did occur they were less vivid and scary. He found that he slept better next to Ian and so spent most of his time at his place. Ian had joked that he might as well just move in seen as most of his stuff was there anyway but Mickey was still holding back from making it “official”.

Apart from Ian, he also loved his job which gave him a purpose and a much needed confidence boost. He was now in a position to apply for a course in Business Management which would cover subjects including financial management, accounting, marketing and operational strategy. It would mean he would be able to help Mike so much more in the day to day running of the organisation. Sometimes he still found it hard to believe that this south side piece of trash was living this life.

“I uh got you something” Ian said nervously as he sat across from him in their favourite diner after he had received his results.

“You didn’t have to Ian” he replied affectionately.

“Call it an early birthday present” Ian smirked.

“Mandy told you it was my birthday next week huh” he chuckled.

“Course and you just know she’s gonna want to throw you a big party so at least try to act grateful” Ian laughed and raised his eyebrow at him causing Mickey to flip him off.

With that Ian took out the gift that he had been carrying in a shopping bag, which Mickey had been curious about if he was honest.

“Shit Ian” he exclaimed “it’s beautiful”.

“Was worried you might call it a girly purse or something” Ian joked causing Mickey to laugh and flip him off again.

Mickey looked over the soft leather messenger bag and ran his fingers over the engraved buckle that said “MM”.

“Figured you needed a proper bag now that you’re a student” Ian said causing him to look up.

“Just a community college Ian” he said with a shrug.

“Mick, you’re doing it again” Ian replied while taking his hand in his.

It was something he was still working on, taking compliments and not diminishing his achievements but it still felt somewhat alien.

“Thank you” he said simply as he reached over and kissed Ian briefly.

----

“Nice purse man” Nate teased the following day as he walked up to the shelter.

“Yeah, fuck you” Mickey replied with a playful smirk.

“Buying you engraved shit already, must be serious” Celeste chimed in with another teasing remark.

“Hardly a fucking engagement ring is it” Mickey replied and instantly he blushed at the realisation of what he had just said “Why are you two standing outside anyway”

“Locked” Nate shrugged.

“What Mike’s not opened up yet” Mickey asked, while trying the doors.

“Nope, guess not” Nate replied while going back to play with his phone, clearly not bothered by the unusual situation.

Mickey took out his phone and tried Mike’s number but it went to voicemail. He then remembered that he had Zak’s number on an old email regarding the rosters and scrolled until he found it. He was about to hang up when it answered and he heard a quiet voice say hello.

“Uh Zak, its Mickey, just looking for your dad……wait….what….he’s ok though…..”

Mickey almost dropped his phone and felt his legs turn to jelly while he slid down onto the ground.

“Mickey, what’s wrong” Celeste asked while Nate looked up from his phone.

“Mike….fuck…..” he shook his head and closed his eyes, almost as if he was hoping that when he opened them again he would wake up next to Ian and this was all just another nightmare.

“Mickey” Nate said softly as he knelt down next to him.

“He was shot last night” he mumbled, still feeling in shock.

“So is he in hospital” Celeste asked with a worried look on her face “he’s alright Mickey…. right”

He started crying and couldn’t even say the words out loud.

“Mickey he’s ok, right” Nate repeated the words of his friend and Mickey just shook his head while he covered his eyes.

A moment later Mickey remembered the dogs and stood up suddenly, his brain feeling overloaded again, this time with the need to protect the dogs that Mike loved so much.

“Gotta get in” he muttered to himself as he tried to break down the door, while still wiping his eyes.

“Mickey stop” Nate said as he placed a hand on his shoulder which he just brushed off.

“Mickey this isn’t the way” Celeste pleaded “my brothers a locksmith, I’ll get this sorted today, why don’t you call Ian and go home for a bit”.

“Mike trusted me, I need to look after them” he whispered while seemingly giving up on his quest to break into the building.

“And we will, I can get this fixed in an hour, 2 tops, they’ll be ok and we can look after the place ‘til we find out what’s going on ok” Celeste said firmly but calmly.

He simply nodded and started walking away, ignoring the 2 voices behind him asking if he was ok.

He wasn’t ok, not remotely and although part of his brain was urging him to call Ian he just wanted to be alone.

----

Mickey sat on the cold concrete ground with the almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels pushed against his lips while ignoring the buzzing on his phone. He had swiped it along with a Glock from Iggy’s room before his feet somehow stumbled there way here. He finished the bottle and threw it roughly at the area where it had happened, where Jamie had looked at him with those scared and confused eyes, pleading with him for help that he already knew wasn’t coming.

He wasn’t really sure why he ended up here but he supposed it was a good a place as any to drown his sorrows and contemplate if life was even worth it.  I mean what was the point, he thought, when good people who are just trying to make a difference in the world don’t get shit. He fired off another round wildly while laughing dryly to himself and muttering about Terry and Ian and Mike, until he heard footsteps coming up the broken down steps.

“Should have known you’d find me Red, always waiting to swoop in and be the hero huh”

“Mandy remembered you used to come here as a kid, figured it was worth checking out” Ian replied evenly.

“Came here with Jamie too but I guess you know that too huh” he mumbled.

“So I guess this place means a lot to you” Ian said as he continued to keep his distance and Mickey saw him glance anxiously at the gun.

“You scared of this” Mickey laughed while waving the gun “think I’m gonna shoot you or something, don’t worry your freckled face, only person I’d use this on is me”.

“Can I sit beside you” Ian asked calmly, catching him off guard.

“Don’t give a shit what you do Red” he said as he thumbed his lip.

He felt Ian brush up against him as he sat down on the ground next to him but he was clearly keeping his hands to himself.

“Celeste called me, she had my number from before, told me what happened, I’m so sorry Mick”.

“Why do people say that shit huh, what you got to be sorry for, you’re not the asshole who shot him are you”

“You’re right Mick” Ian replied once again catching him off guard. He knew he was being a dick and Ian wasn’t willing to bite this time apparently.

“I found out what happened” Ian said softly while turning his eyes to him “if you want to know”.

Mickey looked away and just shrugged his shoulders.

“He found out Zak was hanging out with this gang, the ones you heard about before I guess. Mike went to confront one of the guys, the leader or whatever, warn him off and they got into it and the guy shot him twice, in the chest”.

“Fuck” he exhaled and he felt Ian’s hand on his but he didn’t want it, he wasn’t ready for that. He was too consumed with rage and frustration and pain.

He stood up and put some distance between them but Ian stood up too.

“Mick, please just come home with me, let me take care of you” Ian pleaded and Mickey laughed a sarcastic sort of bitter laugh.

“Why should I get to go home huh, what have I ever done to deserve to be still here, I’m no better than Mike, he doesn’t get to go home, to his son, Ian” he shouted now, feeling like he needed to unleash something from deep inside.

“You think this is what Mike would want for you, waving a gun around like a drunken asshole, having a pity party in his honour, is that respecting his memory Mick”.

He knew he had pushed Ian’s buttons and he was getting angry but anger is one emotion he could deal with.

“Guess you have an answer for everything Red” he muttered, annoyed that he couldn’t think of a better response in that moment.

“Or maybe I just have better answers Mick, better than this bullshit you’re pulling again”.

“Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, I didn’t ask you to come rescue me Ian”.

“You know what fine, I’m done”.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean” Mickey said, his voice sounding high and angry.

“You don’t need any help from anyone apparently so I’ll leave you to whatever this is, what you planning on doing with that gun huh, you gonna play another round of Russian roulette” Ian laughed dryly as he started making his way back over towards him and invaded his personal space, his green eyes looking bigger than he had ever seen them be “you don’t have the balls, you didn’t before and you don’t now” Ian said as he poked him in the chest.

Mickey stood there open mouthed at Ian, a part of him wanted to punch his lights out and another part was suitably impressed. He was so used to Ian being sensitive and measured in his words that this outburst really threw him of kilter. However there was also that dark part of him wanted to push him even further and almost prove him wrong.

“Don’t have the balls huh, fuck you asshole” he said as he raised the gun up to his head and smirked at Ian in a challenging manner.

He watched as Ian’s face fell and a look of panic took over which in Mickey’s drunken and overwhelmed state almost made him feel smug until he realised what he was doing. He saw tears well up in Ian’s eyes as he held his hands up as if pleading with him.

“Please Mick just give me the gun, you don’t want this”.

“How do you know what I want huh. You’re not my keeper” he replied sharply, still feeling petty and defensive.

“You don’t want to hurt me and what you’re doing right now is hurting me”.

Ian’s words ripped a hole in his heart and he found his hand stilling before lowering slightly. He felt Ian reach for the gun but his finger was still on the trigger and in their heightened state of emotion the gun went off.

“Fuck, fuck uh” Ian shouted as he held his lower leg.

“Jesus Christ Ian, did I just fucking shoot you” Mickey exclaimed while kneeling down next to him.

“Told you I’d take a bullet for you Mick” Ian laughed while he winced in pain.

“Oh my god Ian, I’m so fucking sorry” he sobbed.

“Shit Mick it’s just a flesh wound look” Ian said as he pulled up his pants “ricochet”.

With that Mickey sat on the ground with his head in his hands and let it all out. One of his only friends was gone, he had shot the man he loved, he was still clearly a mess and he felt truly and utterly lost.

“Hey, cmere” Ian said as he pulled him into his chest and wrapped his arms around him “let it out, I got you Mick”.

----

“I really am sorry Ian” Mick said for the 100^th time as he cleaned up Ian’s wound back at his place. Thankfully Ian was right and it wasn’t a serious injury that needed medical treatment, as neither man wanted any doctors asking questions about a gunshot wound.

“It’s fine Mick, just glad you’re ok” he smiled before taking his hands in his and locking eyes, a serious look on his face “I’m sorry too Mick”.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry about” he mumbled as he finished bandaging Ian’s leg.

“I do though Mick, I’ve let you down, both as a counsellor and a partner” Ian looked sad and anxious and looked down before continuing “I just think I lost my way as both or got confused and I pushed you too much when I shouldn’t have, I crossed boundaries that I shouldn’t have, I don’t know how to reconcile them both”.

“What are you saying” he replied, a feeling of panic sweeping over him.

“I just, fuck, I feel like some of this shit is my fault, I was too busy being your selfish boyfriend that I forgot to help you, I mean I wasn’t being objective you know, I was just letting my own feelings get in the way of what you needed”.

“Maybe you’re what I needed Ian, all of you and you said it before you can’t fix me, I need to help myself too, can’t be all down to you” he said softly as he pulled Ian’s face up and reached down to kiss him “you know me better than anyone Ian, you haven’t said or done anything wrong, in fact you always seem to know exactly what to say or do, you fucking get me. Besides I have a therapist so maybe you just concentrate on the boyfriend part from now on huh”

Ian smirked and pulled Mickey towards him by the hips “is that your fancy way of saying I suck at being your therapist”.

“Nah but maybe I just prefer my boyfriend to do the sucking” Mickey chuckled while straddling Ian who was still seated on the toilet.

“Touché” Ian giggled while squeezing his ass gently.

“I’m guessing you can still fuck with that leg Red”

“Nothing wrong with my cock Mick” Ian murmured while he placed Mickey’s hand on his cock.

“So why the fuck are we still chit chatting in this bathroom then”.

The two men clashed their mouths together as they stumbled back into the bedroom, ridding themselves of their clothes in record time. Mickey felt almost touch starved and despite the events of the last 24 hours he felt surprisingly content and closer to Ian than ever. It was as though they had reached some sort of next level status in their relationship and had a deeper connection or understanding of each other.

Mickey was being tortured by Ian, in the best possible way though. Ian knew that Mickey preferred a fast and hard fuck but he had decided to take things almost painfully slow tonight and was exploring his body as if it were their first time in bed together. For once though Mickey wasn’t going to grumble or say something smart to show his impatience, no, he was going to savour every bit of Ian’s body worshipping.

“Holy shit” Mickey exclaimed as Ian buried his mouth and tongue in his ass. He was alternating between his mouth and hands and it was driving him insane. Ian was kissing very part of him, his thighs, his stomach and then back up to his nipples.

“Fucking love you” Ian growled against his skin and Mickey moaned, his cock jumping in the process.

Ian hastily applied lube to himself before pushing his way inside and burying his hard cock fully in Mickey.

“Christ Ian” he moaned as Ian started to move in and out, so slow he was barely moving.

“You like that, feeling every inch of me baby” Ian purred in his ear and Mickey preened at his new nickname.

“Fuck yeah, love feeling this full” he groaned before Ian started moving faster and harder now.

Ian gripped his hips tighter and threw one of his legs up on his shoulder while angling his hips, hitting that sweet spot.

Mickey reached down to touch himself but Ian swatted his hand away.

“No, you’re gonna come just from me Mick”.

For a moment Ian stilled his hips and leaned down and engulfed his cock in his mouth, taking his breath away at the unexpected move.

“Oh fucking shit…shit” he panted as Ian sucked him off deeply before going back to pumping in and out of him.

Ian then pulled him up so he was sitting in his lap and they clashed their mouths together while their bodies met each other’s aggressively.

“Fuck Mick you’re so hot like this, fucking made to take my cock” Ian moaned onto his lips and Mickey felt himself almost there.

“Shit Ian gonna…..” he panted as he pressed down harder meeting Ian’s thrusts until he felt himself exploding between their bodies.

A second later he felt Ian pulsing inside him as he grunted and moaned onto Mickey’s mouth.

They stayed like that another minute just kissing messily while holding each other before they felt too sticky and begrudgingly disengaged from each other so they could get cleaned up.

“That shit’s never gonna get old Red” Mickey chuckled as they lay together, he on Ian’s chest while Ian stroked his hair.

“Nope, only gonna get better….and dirtier” Ian chuckled in return.

“Is that so, got anything in mind?”

“So much Mick but you’ll have to wait and see”.

6 MONTHS LATER

“Looks great Ian” Mickey said as he smiled proudly up at his boyfriend.

Ian gave the sign over the door another quick wipe and stood back to admire his new office, his very own office. It had taken some time but he eventually found a building with a decent sized office and reception space available which he could afford to rent. Mickey had of course offered to help him out but Ian insisted on doing everything by himself and Mickey got it. Ian, just like him, had been through so much to get to this point and he needed to see it right through to the end by standing on his own two feet.

However a couple of months previously Mickey had officially moved in with Ian and was sharing the rent and bills so in his own way he was able to help out he figured, all while reaping the benefits. Benefits like getting to wake up every day next to this amazing man or indulging in sex whenever they wanted without the threat of a Milkovich sibling walking in on them.

At first Ozzy wasn’t too happy and Mickey figured he missed the backyard but he and Ian just made it up to him by taking him on extra-long walks and hikes on the weekend. Yes, Mickey and Ian had now become one of those couples, couples who do yoga together and go hiking with their “fur baby”. Ozzy and Clyde even became eventual friends and enjoyed taking over the couch while curled up together.

After Mike’s funeral Mickey was a bit lost for a while. He upped his therapy sessions to twice a week and he had no idea what was going to happen with the shelter which added to his anxiety. That was until Mike’s ex-wife called him one day and asked if they could meet up. Mickey was so nervous and confused while he waited to meet her. She explained how Mike had always talked about Mickey like he was a partner as she handed over the keys and relevant paperwork to him. “He trusted you Mickey, this is what he would want”. Her words still caused his heart to swell even now.

It wasn’t as straightforward as that of course, there were lots of hoops to jump through and red tape to cut through but in the end he was able to take over the lease and became the new boss as such. He was anxious about what Nate and Celeste would think but of course Nate just made a sexual joke and he knew everything would be fine. Zak still came in from time to time but Mickey understood it was hard for him to be there. Mickey had made a mental note at the funeral to look out for the kid and so he had made sure to keep in regular touch with him.

Mickey was as busy as ever and had seriously underappreciated how much work Mike had done on a daily basis. It was a never ending cycle of dogs coming and going, never mind the business side of things like the constant need for fundraising and being up to date with taxes or licenses.

But he had help from Ian and family members, on both sides. Mandy had taken over the website and merchandise while Lip had helped out from time to time with tax and legal shit, seen as he had a good head for these things. Hell even Iggy helped out by volunteering a couple of days a week, saying he felt “chill” there but Mickey thinks that was just the weed talking.

Mickey reluctantly had retained the contract with the clinic and still brought the dogs in once a week for the therapy class and while the sight of Ned still made him a little bit queasy he wasn’t the worst guy in the world and he had helped Ian out so he swallowed his pride and sucked it up. Mickey had even started up a new programme where he brought the dogs into juvenile detention centres and so far he was feeling pretty damn good about it. It was his way of giving back he figured and he was just trying to help kids that were growing up similarly to the way he had.

The only downside was with both him and Ian being so busy lately they had been spending less time together and usually at night they were both so tired they just passed out in bed. He had hoped now that Ian was up and running finally and with things at the shelter settling down that this would change and they could get back to the way they used to be.

“I like the look of that desk” Mickey smirked as he came back to reality.

“Yeah, I think it looks real sturdy Mick” Ian chuckled while patting it seductively; well he thought it looked sexy but Mickey just thought he looked like a goofy mother fucker.

“Only one way to find out Red” he said with a raise of his eyebrow.

“Is that so Mick, well lock that door and cmere so we can christen this bitch”

“Oh and just so you know Ian this doesn’t mean I’m gonna start calling you boss daddy or some shit” Mickey teased while biting his lip, as he strutted over to the red head.

“Yeah, we’ll see about that Mick”