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"Sam?"
"Hi, Cas."
Castiel's grip tightens on the phone beside his ear and he straightens his posture. The line falls silent for a few seconds that feel more like minutes to him. It was strange how the passing of time as an angel never used to bother him, he has been around since before the beginning of time after all. But recently, especially after he lost most of his grace fighting alongside the Winchester brothers against another Big Bad a few months ago, the passage of time has felt different. He has started to feel old, to feel weary. He gets impatient if Dean showers too long or if the line in the grocery store is packed with too many people. He still has a little bit of his grace left so technically he's still an angel. Castiel just doesn't really feel like one anymore. He can't hear angel radio or prayers. He can still heal people, but it takes a lot of his energy and lefts him feeling winded for days. Castiel has also started sleeping, which he finds unpleasant. He doesn't need more than a couple of hours a night but it makes him feel weak. Angels aren't supposed to sleep. At all.
Sam and Dean have been there for him and they've tried to help him to adjust to the changes. They have told him that he is still important to them, with grace or not. Castiel is grateful for them, though he can't help but still feel like nothing more than a liability. He rubs his face with his hand and breaks the silence. "Any word from Dean?"
Sam's voice sighs heavily over the phone and Castiel hears the distant sound of a car engine roaring in the background. He already knows what the answer is going to be and frowns.
"No. Sorry. I checked the nearby bars and asked around but there's no sign of him. His phone is probably turned off 'cause I can't track it." Castiel can hear the defeat in Sam's voice and feels the worry rise even more in his own chest. He doesn't reply and the line is filled with a long silence before Sam's tired voice speaks up again.
"Dean he- He just does this sometimes, when it gets bad enough. He shuts down and takes off. But he always, always comes back."
Castiel stands up from the chair he's been occupying for the last restless hours and he starts pacing around the bunker's library. Frustration is growing inside of him, making him feel like it's drowning him. That's another thing he can thank for losing most of his grace. Feeling feelings way more deeply than before. And he hates, he absolutely hates how intense worry feels now.
"That doesn't make it okay! He's been gone for three days, Sam. He's not okay and we have no idea where he is", Castiel grits out and tries to remind himself that lashing out to Sam is not a good way to ease his worries and it doesn't make the situation any better. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. Closing his eyes he hangs his head low in shame and can't keep the next words from coming out.
"I can't hear him pray to me anymore", he says quietly and his voice wavers at the end. There's some shuffling over the phone and Castiel can imagine Sam's sympathetic face thinking about what to say.
"That's not your fault, Cas", Sam's voice is soft when he speaks and it helps to ease the tight feeling in Castiel's chest. "Just- Stay there in the bunker, okay? In case he shows up there. I'm gonna drive around for a while and then probably crash in some motel for the night. Call me if something happens. Or if you just want to talk, alright?"
Castiel nods despite knowing Sam can't see him. "Alright. Thank you, Sam."
They hang up and Castiel takes another deep breath as he looks around the library. He eyes the dozen open lore books laying around messily on the table. He has read them all before but he needs something to pass the time. Sighing to himself he grabs a few more books from the shelf and sits back down. It's difficult to focus on the text in front of him when his mind is replaying their latest hunt that turned out to be a disaster. It was a ghoul in a small town and it had taken three victims already and now a little eight-year-old girl was missing. They thought it was going to be just a simple salt 'n' burn but they underestimated the ghoul big time. At the end they did gank the thing but they didn't get to the little girl in time to save her. Dean blamed it all on himself and ignored Sam's and Castiel's protests. They arrived back to the bunker the same night and the next morning Dean and his beloved car were gone. The hunt had hit Dean badly and it broke Castiel's heart to see him so shattered.
It was around midnight when Castiel felt his eyelids grow heavy and he couldn't keep them open. He slumped on top of the books and dozed off for a few hours. A loud noise of the bunker's door closing is what wakes him up. His brain is still a little foggy from sleep and he tries to shake it off. Grabbing his angel blade and preparing himself for whoever came through that door he turns around and his heart stops. He didn't prepare himself to be faced with a very pale looking and, judging from the strong smell, a very drunk Dean Winchester. Dean's eyes are red rimmed and there are some traces of dried tears on his cheeks. He's swaying a little despite holding onto the wall with his hand. He looks rough and so uncharacteristically Dean that Castiel feels tears forming in his own eyes. He hides the angel blade and takes a careful step toward the broken man.
"Dean", Castiel says softly and few tears fall from his eyes. Dean frowns and his eyes look unfocused, probably caused by the amount of liquor he has consumed. Castiel lifts his hands slowly on Dean's shoulders, steadying him. Recognition flashes in Dean's eyes as Castiel leans closer to him. Dean's bottom lip wavers and he let's out a shaky breath, gripping Castiel's trench coat with his other hand.
"Cas?" Dean asks shakily, his voice nothing more than a whisper. Castiel nods and Dean let's out a painful sob, embracing the angel and desperately needing to be held. Castiel lowers both of them carefully down so they're sitting on the floor and holds Dean tightly.
Tears are falling from his eyes as Dean's body shivers with harsh sobs. Castiel is hushing him and kissing his hair gently, murmuring comforting things. He hopes Dean hasn't spent the three whole days he's been missing drinking himself to the brink of an alcohol poisoning. How was he even able to drive Baby in this state?
Castiel dries his own tears and starts slightly rocking them back and forth in a soothing motion. Dean is still sobbing so his breaths are erratic and sound painful but he seems a little calmer than before. Castiel positions them so that Dean's back is leaning on him and he puts his other hand on Dean's chest, rubbing it gently in circles while the other is still wrapped around his middle. The sobbing quiets and Dean takes Castiel's hand in his, locking their fingers together.
"I messed up, Cas. I- I couldn't save her", Dean hiccups and breaths unevenly. Castiel lays his cheek on Dean's hair and closes his eyes.
"It's not your fault, Dean. We did the best we could", Castiel murmurs and hopes that Dean would finally understand that it really wasn't his fault. He feels Dean shake his head and hears as he lets out a watery laugh.
"'S not enough. My best it's- 's never enough. All I ever do's hurt people. I've hurt you and S'mmy so, so many times, I don't understan' why you're still stickin' around when you'd be much better off without me", Dean's speech slurs and he sniffs. Anger flares in Castiel's chest. He's not angry at Dean but at those evil, twisted thoughts of his. He tightens his hold on Dean and gently turns him around so he can look at him.
Dean's hair is messy thanks to Castiel and his eyelashes are wet as they stick to each other. His eyes look so hopeless as he tries to focus on Castiel, the alcohol in his body making it hard. His mouth is slightly agape and his plushy lips look so, so soft. Castiel thinks that Dean looks beautiful, he always does. He gives him a small, watery smile and few stray tears fall from Dean's eyes. Castiel gently cups Dean's cheeks with both of his hands and wipes the tears away. He leans in, catching Dean's lips with his for a sweet, loving, tender kiss. Dean kisses him back and when they break apart, Dean looks flushed and his breathing is heavy. Castiel brings their foreheads together and he sighs.
"Dean, you are more than enough. I love you, all of you. Your bright soul, your beautiful mind, they never cease to amaze me. But those hateful thoughts that you have about yourself, you have to know they're wrong. They are lying to you, they are simply not true. Because you are worth so much to us, so much to me. And I will keep proving that to you in every way I can."
Dean lets out a small sob and Castiel kisses his forehead, wrapping his arms around him. Dean holds onto him like his life depends on it and Castiel rubs his back. They stay like that for a while before Castiel carefully helps them to a standing position.
"Let's get you some water and then go to bed, alright?" Castiel murmurs in Dean's ear and Dean gives him a small nod.
They start walking slowly towards Dean's bedroom, Dean leaning almost all of his weight on Castiel but he doesn't mind. He will call Sam in the morning so the younger hunter can get some well needed sleep. Castiel also decides that no matter how much of a fight Dean is going to put up in the morning, they will talk about tonight and about the hunt. They need to. Dean has to know, he needs to understand that he's loved. He deserves all the love in the world and more and Castiel is going to give it to him.