Chapter Text
17. Moving On
She was doing it. She was going to suck it up, pull herself together and be positive. Positive thinking and all that other stuff Gus was always telling them. He was always trying to get them to read about spirituality and emotional growth. 'The key to happiness starts with you' and all that. That's what she got for having a psychologist for a father, she supposed.
Lexa was going to find out. She wasn't going to mope, she was going to make the best out of a bad situation. She was going to be happy and positive. She was going to be there for her family and for her friends. She was going to move forward. And she was going to go on her date with Costia. She was going to try and move on.
Clarke's words stuck with her. That she wouldn't have said yes to Costia if she didn't want to go out with her. She wasn't sure. But she knew that she liked Costia, Costia was a nice person. And maybe she hadn't given Costia a chance romantically. But didn't Costia deserve that? A chance? She'd been nothing but nice to Lexa after all. And Lexa did find her attractive. So she'd go on this date and give it a shot. See if there was anything between them.
When she made it downstairs that morning it was to find Raven, looking defeated and staring into the bottom of a coffee mug.
“You okay?” She asked, leaning next to her friend on the breakfast bar, elbows brushing.
“Clarke isn't home,” Raven sighed, “That means she went out last night after I went to bed.”
Lexa's eyebrows pinched in concern, “Any idea where she would be?”
Raven shrugged, “Best case, she crashed at O's.”
“And worse case?”
“I dunno,” Raven shook her head, shooting Lexa a weak smile, “She can take care of herself, you know? I just...I can deal with her better when she's sad. I know what to do then. We just cuddle up in our pj's, watch movies and eat junk food. She cries, I comfort her. Same rules for being on the rag, really. But this, when she's drinking and sneaking out, there's nothing I can do except wait and hope for the next part to come. The sad part that I can actually help with.”
“I'm sorry,” Lexa whispered after a pause, laying a comforting hand on Raven's arm, “Clarke knows that she's got you, you know that right? She knows you'd do anything for her.”
“Yeah,” Raven nodded, “I would.”
“And Clarke knows that,” Lexa nudged her.
Raven smiled, shaking her head and seemingly shaking herself out of it, “Anyway, what about you? Date tonight, right?”
Lexa hummed, nodding, “Unless...I mean, I can cancel if you need a friend tonight.”
“I'm going to try and spend some time with Clarke,” Raven said, “You enjoy your date. And remember, you're a tall drink of vodka cranberry, Lex. Any girl would be lucky to have you."
“It's just one date,” Lexa laughed, “And isn't it supposed to be, 'a tall glass of water'?”
“I like vodka cranberry better,” Raven grinned, shooting her a wink.
- - - - - - - - - -
“So you and Clarke aren't screwing anymore, damn,” Anya mused, “I didn't see that coming.”
“I wouldn't put it like that, we weren't screwing,” Lexa scoffed.
“Well you weren't exactly making love, Lex.”
And Lexa thought about it. There had never been any sort of feelings mentioned between her and Clarke other than her making it known that she cared for the blonde. Were they making love? No. They hadn't but at certain points it had felt like something. Something other than fucking at least. And it was that realization that plucked a nerve, did she want to make love to Clarke?
“No...I suppose we weren't,” Lexa replied quietly, pursing her lips.
The day had been strange on more counts than one. Clarke hadn't turned up to school and with her phone still turned off Lexa and Raven had absolutely no idea where the blonde could be. It was at lunchtime that Lexa, after forgetting her lunch, had been forced into going to the cafeteria. It was the last place she wanted to be, wanting to avoid a certain person but in the battle of avoiding Vile Kyle and her hungry pains, the growl of her stomach won out.
Upon arriving in the cafeteria she'd run run into Clarke's friends, not an unwelcome occurrence but she couldn't help but to notice the not so friendly glare she'd received from Niylah. Whatever she'd done to the girl to gain that reaction, she couldn't fathom but Niylah wasn't the problem. Clarke was. And after speaking to Octavia, Clarke's best friend herself, Lexa was worried. Although Clarke could've been anywhere, it was pretty much assumed that she was either at Octavia's or that Octavia knew where she was. But Octavia was the one asking where Clarke was.
Meeting up with Raven afterwards had settled her concerns a little bit. Raven, although Lexa could tell was concerned herself, reassured Lexa that this wasn't out of the ordinary. That Clarke sometimes needed to disappear for a little while. That Clarke would probably make an appearance before the day was up. So Lexa resigned herself not to worry until then and to carry on her plans like normal. If Clarke wasn't home by bedtime then she could worry.
So she found herself in Anya's hotel room. Her and her sister laying on Anya's bed, staring at the ceiling while they chatted. Madison curled, naked, on her chest and peacefully napping. The toddler had decided not to wear clothes anymore and whatever this 'naked phase' was about, Lexa wasn't about to argue with the toddler. Madison probably had extremely important reasons for ditching her clothing anyway.
“What exactly happened?” Anya pulled Lexa from her thoughts.
Lexa paused. The question caught her off guard. Not that Anya would ask but that she didn't really have an answer. What had actually happened? Clarke ended their arrangement because...what? Because Lexa caught feelings? Because Clarke got scared? Because Clarke was in a bad place? Because Lexa said yes to Costia?
“We stopped because Clarke wanted to stop,” She settled on, fingers absent mindedly combing through Madison's wild mess of dark waves.
“Well I figured that out, Lexa. You weren't going to call it quits, were you?” Anya scoffed.
And no, she wasn't. Of course she wasn't.
“That's what I thought,” Anya said after Lexa had apparently stayed silent for too long, “So what are you going to do?”
Lexa turned her head towards Anya, seeking out her sisters gaze, “What do you mean?”
“You live with her, you're friends with her cousin...” Anya trailed off in thought for a moment, “I don't know, won't it be awkward?”
“Maybe,” Lexa hummed in agreement, “But Clarke's going through a lot and I want to be there for her.”
“Why?”
Lexa shrugged, hugging Madison to her chest. The toddlers slow, steady heartbeat and deep, even breathing calming her. There was something about Madison sleeping peacefully that always calmed her, especially if the toddler was close, “I care about her.”
“I know,” Anya's voice took on a rare soft tone, “I'm sorry she ditched you, squid.”
“It's her choice. It always was and I'm fine with that. But...since it's over, and she said I should move on...” Lexa took a deep breath, “I...I actually have a date tonight. Which reminds me, could you drop Madison home for me?”
“Hold up, you have a what?”
“I have a date with Costia,” Lexa mumbled into Madison's hair, cheeks turning pink.
“You have a- What? What? Who the fuck is Costia?” Anya exclaimed.
Lexa frowned. She wasn't sure if Anya was being dense on purpose or not because her sister had definitely met Costia. On multiple occasions, in fact.
“I work with her, you've met her,” Lexa insisted.
“Uh, no,” Anya rolled her eyes, “Anyway, that's not even the point. Lexa, this is such a bad idea. You shouldn't do it.”
“Why?”
“Because you're in love with Clarke,” Anya supplied like it was the most simple thing in the world.
Lexa's frown deepened, “I don't know about that but it doesn't matter either way. Clarke doesn't want to be with me. And Costia is...she's nice.”
Anya scoffed, “You're an idiot.”
“Why?”
“Can you remember the first time you mentioned Clarke to me?” Anya said, waiting until Lexa shook her head 'no' before continuing, “You called me up after your first day of teaching and you said 'I'm in love with my student because she flashed me her panties'.”
Lexa sighed, the conversation coming back to her, “And you told me to suck it up and do my job.”
Anya shot her a distasteful look, “Regardless. When I first heard about Clarke it was all 'she's amazing', 'she had magical tits'-”
“You said that.”
“-'I'm in love with her',” Anya carried on as if Lexa hadn't spoken, “And now you're telling me about Costia. And Costia is...nice. Tell me you see the problem here, Lexa.”
“It doesn't matter, Clarke isn't ready-”
“Jesus, Lexa. It doesn't matter what's happening with Clarke! What matters is that you shouldn't be going for people you find nice after working with them for months,” Anya's voice rose a couple of octaves, “You should be going for people that make you fall for them on day one after flashing you.”
The silenced stretched. Fucking Anya. Lexa was annoyed. At herself, at Anya, in general. Anya's words lit a fire inside Lexa, as well as flooding her with guilt. For a moment Madison stirred, but only enough to lodge her head further under Lexa's chin.
“It's just a date,” Lexa bit defensively, keeping her voice low to avoid disturbing the toddler more.
“Fine,” Anya sighed, realizing defeat. Lexa hardly ever got snappy and Anya knew that if Lexa did then it was time to quit, “I get it. Let me know how it goes at least.”
Lexa nodded absent mindedly. Both sisters staring at the ceiling, the silence washing over them. Only the sounds of Madison's deep breathing and light snores filling the air.
“Lex?” Anya questioned after a solid ten minutes of silence, “You do know that you're in love with Clarke, don't you?”
Lexa's gaze never shifted from the ceiling, letting the silence stretch to the point that Anya probably didn't think she was going answer. She sighed, her voice quiet, “Yeah.”
- - - - - - - - - -
A small part of her hadn't believed Raven. That reality was her first opinion, that Costia was just asking her to a friendly dinner. That small part of her was squashed completely the moment she saw Costia waiting outside the restaurant for her. The pretty dress, heavier than usual make up and slightly curled hair giving her intentions away.
It made her nervous. There was a certain amount of pressure on her with there being no doubt that this was, in fact, a date. Costia's wide smile upon seeing her making her swallow.
It wasn't until they were sitting comfortably, opposite each other in a booth and wine flowing freely that Lexa finally relaxed. Her mind wandering briefly to Clarke, she wondered what it would be like to be on a proper date with her. If it would be awkward, if the conversation would flow smoothly. If Clarke would dress up for her. If they'd get through dinner before they were ripping each others clothes off, other diners by damned because Clarke was that insatiable.
She shook the thought from her head. The guilt manifesting itself in the reddening of her cheeks, she should not be thinking about Clarke while on a date with Costia.
“So,” Costia's sent her an easy smile, taking a long sip of wine, “What's it like living with Raven?”
Lexa smiled at the question. She felt the same familiar pull of her lips that happened whenever her friend was mentioned, “I love it. She's the best friend I didn't know I needed until she elbowed her way into my life, made herself at home and started mocking me.”
Lexa grinned as Costia chuckled.
“And living with her, it's like...” Lexa continued, “It's like having a piece of home with me. Having somewhere that I fit in so well, it's...and Raven gets on really well with my sister so that's a big plus.”
“She's certainly unique,” Costia laughed prettily, “What about Clarke?”
Lexa paled slightly, hiding her worry behind her glass of wine, “What?”
“Living with her,” Costia said, eyebrows raised, “How is it? I'm sure living with a teenager has some ups and downs.”
Lexa bit her lip, she liked Clarke's up and downs, she'd been an admirer of Clarke's up and downs since day one. Her smile was more of a grimace as she nodded politely, “Clarke's great. Living with her is...they've...Clarke and Raven have both made me feel incredibly welcome.”
“They are quite the pair,” Costia grinned, “They have a bit of a reputation among the school staff of bickering like an old married couple.”
Lexa couldn't help the bubble of laughter that ripped from her throat, she could absolutely see that with the way Clarke and Raven acted sometimes. The laughter carrying them until their meals arrived, changing the focus.
“So, Lexa,” Costia glanced up from her steak, “Why did you move here?”
“Well...I decided to take a year out from writing to regather,” Lexa mused, “I wanted to give my mind a long break from it so that I could come back fresh, not in the same head space as I was when writing my previous books.”
“You're a writer?” Costia asked with an impressed expression, “What have you written?”
“Ever heard of The Fleimkepa Trilogy?” She watched as realization dawned on Costia's face, her eyes widening.
“I loved those books!”
“Thank you,” Lexa blushed, a smile coming to her face, “But anyway, tell me about yourself?”
So she learnt about Costia. How Costia was an only child, her father a university professor while her mother owned a bakery that was famous for it's secret jelly doughnut recipe. That Costia got into teaching when she was offered a chance to TA in college. That she'd had a fairly sheltered upbringing in the suburbs and she'd been in two relationships. Both serious. Both ending on good terms.
To sum it up. Costia was a perfectly pleasant and normal person. Someone to take home to your parents. Someone nice and sweet and genuine. So, after accepting a ride home, when Costia got out of her car too, Lexa only briefly panicked when Costia lent in for a kiss. They met in the middle, the kiss short and sweet...and prematurely interrupted by the sound of someone scoffing. Lexa pulled back sharply, only to come face to face with Clarke, who was walking passed them towards the house with narrowed eyes. And Lexa's heart jumped into her throat as she glanced nervously between Clarke and Costia.
“I don't need to see that.”
Clarke's muttering kicked Lexa into gear, pulling her eyes away from Clarke's retreating form to shoot Costia an apologetic glance, “Sorry, I need to...” She trailed off, already shifting towards Clarke, “I'll...I'll text you!”
The words were said over her shoulder as she took off after Clarke without so much as a backwards glance, leaving Costia looking dumbfounded in her wake.
Slamming the door behind her, she managed to grab Clarke's hand before the blonde disappeared. Clarke spun around to face her, expression venomous and making Lexa gulp.
“Clarke,” Lexa said, softly, “Where were you? We were worried and-”
“Don't do that,” Clarke spat, tone acidic, “Don't treat me like that, Lexa.”
Lexa's eyes widened, the hostility coming off the blonde making her recoil, “Like what?”
“Like a kid!” Clarke snapped, “Don't fuck me and then treat me like I'm a child.”
“I...I'm not, I...” Lexa's mouth opened and closed, trying to get her words out, “I was worried, Raven was worried. I...I care-”
“I know,” Clarke cut her off with a sigh, deflating somewhat and some of her anger seeming to lift, “I know you care. I just...I need some space.”
“If you're...if things are getting hard for you,” Lexa licked her lips, squeezing Clarke's hand gently, the air between them thick, “Let me help you, Clarke.”
Blue met green as Clarke searched her eyes and for a long moment Lexa thought Clarke was going to let her. That Clarke was going to let her in. That Clarke was going to let her help. But, too soon, Clarke's eyes hardened once more. Turning from that sky blue color to a cold grey and Clarke's hand was pulled from hers.
Clarke's voice came out cold, distant, “You wouldn't understand.”
And Lexa helplessly watched Clarke leave. Her eyes never leaving Clarke until the blonde's bedroom door slammed and blocked her view.
- - - - - - - - - -
A few hours later found Lexa helping Raven make dinner. Although she had already eaten with Costia, Raven and Clarke hadn't. The cousins always tended to eat late, something Lexa herself was getting used to too. But still, even though she'd eaten, she still wanted to help. Taking on the task of slicing the vegetables which would become a stir fry as Raven waited idly next to a sizzling frying pan with her dreaded spatula in hand.
“Seriously though,” Raven grumbled, “You'd think that girl could've send one text.”
“Mm,” Lexa murmured, focusing more on the peppers than her friend.
“A 'hey, I'm okay' or even just a stupid thumbs up emoji, like 'thumbs up, I'm not dead'. Right?”
“Mm.”
“Lexa? Are you even listening to me?”
Lexa looked up with a blush, “Huh? Yeah, I'm listening.”
Raven raised a skeptical eyebrow, “So you're cool with a threesome with me and Costia then?”
Her cheeks darkened further, eyes widening, “I...what?”
“Relax,” Raven chuckled, “How was your date, anyway?”
“It was nice,” Lexa mused before she internally cringed.
There was that word again. Nice. Following her around. What was even wrong with the word nice? Nice was...nice. Apparently Raven didn't think so, if the unimpressed look on her face was anything to go by.
“Um,” Lexa bit her lip, searching for words other than nice, “It was good. We talked, we ate, we laughed. We, um...she kissed me.”
“Damn, Woods, you work fast,” Raven grinned, “Was it good?”
“Yeah,” Lexa nodded before frowning, “Only...I kinda ran away from her.”
Raven stood frozen, staring at her with an amused expression and completely ignoring the vegetables Lexa was dropping into the pan with a hiss.
“I...it wasn't on purpose, we were kissing and then...well, Clarke got back and I...” Lexa trailed off, eyes hitting the floor as she realized how stupid she sounded.
“Why oh why didn't I get the whipped sound downloaded onto my phone?” Raven groaned, finally coming through with her spatula and stirring the food, “Lex, if you're going to drop Costia like a hot potato the moment Clarke walks by then maybe you shouldn't be dating her.”
“It wasn't like that,” Lexa shook her head, “I was just worried about Clarke because we hadn't seen her all day and-”
“Damn,” Raven cut her off with a chuckle and pat to her cheek, “Thank God you're pretty because seriously, if you dropped a lip lock with me to chase after a pretty blonde then I'd can your ass."
Lexa stuck her tongue out, “Then it's a good thing I'm not dating you, isn't it?”
Raven scoffed, rolling her eyes, “You'd be lucky to date me. I'm a catch. But thankfully for both of us, we're better off as friends because you have a hotter sister and I am not a blonde.”
Lexa laughed at the over exaggerated wink getting sent her way, throwing a stray mushroom in the general direction of Raven's head. They'd just about finished dinner when Clarke's bedroom door flew open, revealing an angry looking Clarke decked out in tight jeans and a hoodie.
“Come on, Clarkey,” Raven smiled, “Dinners nearly ready.”
Clarke's eyes swept over Raven for half a second before settling on the counter, “No, thanks.”
“I know you're feeling shitty but you have to eat,” Raven said softly, the concern evident in her voice, “You don't eat when you're out and you've been gone since last night.”
Clarke scowled, making her way towards the front door, “I'm not hungry.”
“Hey, no,” Raven called out, tone firm, “You're not going out tonight, Clarke.”
Clarke's hand met the door knob, pulling it open and glancing back towards Raven with narrowed eyes as she was half way through it, “Watch me.”
The door slammed at the same time as Raven's shoulders dropped in defeat. Lexa nudged her in empathy.
“I'm sorry, Rae,” Lexa spoke softly, “She'll be okay.”
Raven nodded sadly, “I guess so, I just wish she was okay now.”
“I know.”
- - - - - - - - - - -
She took a deep breath. She didn't particularly want to have this conversation but she knew that she needed to. She'd practically ditched Costia just to run after Clarke. She could only hope that Costia understood...if only she understood herself. She'd just been so relieved to see Clarke that all thoughts of Costia had vanished. Leaving her mind in it's usual auto-piloted state of Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. And was that wrong? Probably.
Still, when she went to bed and found a text from Costia flashing across the screen, she knew that she had to face the music.
Costia: What happened? X
Lexa bit her lip, laying back in her bed and squinting up at her phone screen.
Clarke's very important to me and...No, she couldn't write that.
Lexa: I'm sorry. Clarke's going through some stuff and I'm trying to look out for her. X
She sent the message before she could over think it. It was as close to the truth as she could allow herself to go. And she was trying to look out for Clarke, there was just more to it than that.
Costia: That's really nice of you, teenagers can be difficult and I'm sure Raven appreciates the help. I just hope that you had a good time with me? X
Realization struck her. She'd assumed Costia might be jealous, that she'd get annoyed at Lexa for practically ditching her for another girl. But of course Costia didn't think that. Clarke was just a student to Costia, like any other. Costia thought that she was just helping Raven out by looking out for Clarke. The idea didn't sit well in her stomach.
Still, at least Costia didn't think she was into Clarke. At least Costia didn't know...the truth. She cringed internally.
Lexa: I did. Did you? X
Costia: Of course I did! You're amazing, Lexa and I'd love to ask you out again...if you'll say yes. :) X
Lexa smiled, the attention felt nice. It definitely boosted her ego.
Lexa: I guess you'll have to ask and find out. X
She put her phone away, happy that she hadn't ruined things between them. Whatever they were, whatever they had the potential to be. Lexa wasn't sure. But she did know that she'd enjoyed spending time with Costia and she wouldn't mind attempting a second date.