Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

”Before I go, there's something I must do," said Jack.

Dean's heart began to beat faster. 

"What?" asked Sam.

Jack smiled. "Castiel," he said. "He's been like a father to me. If he hadn't protected my mother, I might never have been born, and his deal with the Empty saved my life. The least I can do is return the favor."

Then he turned to Dean and said, "He'll be waiting for you."

He'll be waiting for you.

Jack's words swirled around Dean's head as he and Sam drove back to the bunker. The sun had gone down and aside from the Impala's headlamps, the only other light came from Sam's phone. He had called all their friends to make sure they had been returned safely and was now texting someone, probably Eileen judging by the smile on his face. Dean should feel happy too. Hell, he should be thrilled. Jack had drained Chuck of his power, become the new God and restored all life to Earth. But Dean didn't feel calm or relived. He felt terrified, knowing that he would soon have to face Castiel and acknowledge what had happened. 

As Castiel's words came flooding back to him, he subconsciously applied more and more pressure to the gas pedal.

The one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have.

65mph

You're the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.

70mph

I cared about the whole world because of you.

75

You changed me Dean.

80

I love you.

Then suddenly it was all too much and Dean slammed on the brakes.

The tires against the pavement made a horrible screeching noise as the car lurched forward. Sam let out a shout, his phone flying out of his hands. They skidded across the, thankfully empty, road before finally coming to a stop.

"What the hell, Dean?!" said Sam. "What's the matter with you?"

Dean's hands were shaking, his breathing heavy. He looked at Sam with eyes full of fear.

"I-I...nothing. It's nothing, I'm fine."

Sam's anger turned to concern.

"Dean, what is it?"

He wanted to lie. To say that everything was fine. That's what he'd always done. But looking at Sam, he knew he couldn't. Not this time.

"I-I can't see him, Sam. I can't," Dean choked out. 

Sam furrowed his brows. "Who, Cas? Why?"

"He told me something before he died..."

Sam continued to stare at him.

Dean took a deep breath.

"He told me he loves me."

Sam blinked. He was quiet for a moment, then began nodding his head. 

"Okay," he said.

Dean blinked back. 

"He said he loves me, Sam. Not in a brotherly way. In like a love love way."

"Yeah, I got that," said Sam. 

Dean gaped at him. "And that doesn't surprise you?"

"Does it surprise you?" asked Sam.

Dean threw his hands up. "Of course it does!"

"Did you say it back?"

Dean flushed all the way up to his ears. "What?!"

"When Cas told you he loves you, did you say it back?"

"No!"

"Why not?" asked Sam, who was still infuriatingly calm.

Dean sputtered. "Because he's-and I'm-I mean-I'm not..." 

The words died in his throat. What was he even going to say? Because Cas was a man and he wasn't attracted to men? Dean knew that wasn't true. 

Coming to the realization that he wasn’t straight had been jarring to say the least. He finally admitted it to himself one night when he was 20 after downing more drinks than was good for him. Since then, there had been times when Dean had gone out to a bar looking to hook up and found himself going home with a guy instead of a girl, but only when he was sure that there was no way anyone he knew could find out. It was something that Dean had always been too scared or embarrassed to talk about. The time period and culture he had been raised in made sure of that.

But Cas? When Dean was with Cas, it made him want to break down his walls and spill all his secrets.

In truth, Castiel’s confession hadn’t been a complete shock to Dean. Throughout the years he had felt a certain...tension between them. They’d shared so many moments of prolonged stares, lingering touches and tender words. Dean treasured these moments but that's all they had been. Moments. An unspoken bond. And Dean had told himself that was all it would ever be. These thoughts and feelings would exist only in his head. To say them out loud would make them real. 

And then Castiel changed everything. He had confessed his feelings for Dean. Feelings that he could have kept safely locked away in the dark, he chose to throw out into the open to be seen and judged by Dean. Everything unspoken became spoken. Dean could only marvel at the bravery it took for Cas to open up his heart and be so bare and vulnerable in a way Dean was sure he could never be.

Dean sighed in defeat. 

"I didn't say it back because I'm afraid, alright? I'm a fucking coward, Sam."

Sam looked at him with a pained expression. "Why are you afraid? Because Cas is a guy?

"Partly. I've actually uh, gone out with dudes before," said Dean, his eyes nervously darting away from Sam. He waited a moment for Sam to react, but he didn't.

"And I'm guessing by your lack of reaction that you already knew that too," he said, burying his head in his hands.

Sam smiled sheepishly. "I never knew for sure but sometimes I noticed...stuff."

Dean's head snapped up. "What stuff?" he demanded.

"Well, your cowboy fetish for one," Sam teased.

"It’s not a fetish!"

"Okay well there's also your massive crush on Dr. Sexy, the way you and Cas stare at each other-"

"Okay, okay! I get it."

Sam laughed, then his expression turned serious. "You know I wouldn't have minded, right?"

Dean squirmed in his seat. Talking about his feelings was never something he had been great at. "Yeah, I know."

"Then why did you never tell me?"

"I dunno. I guess it just felt personal."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Dean, you've never shyed away from bragging about your hookups before. In fact, you've described them in excruciating detail."

Dean laughed. "Yeah well, this is different. I doubt I’d get a pat on the back from dad or any hunter for bragging about scoring with a dude.” 

Sam nodded. He knew how important it was for Dean to feel accepted. Even if it meant hiding apart of himself.

“I just...I've always felt like I had to be strong for you. For dad. And this part of me felt..." Weak. Unmanly. Soft.  

Dean didn't need to say the words, Sam seemed to understand what he was getting at.

He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “Dean, do you remember Jesse and Ceaser? Those hunter husbands we meet?”

Dean wasn’t sure where Sam was going with this.

”Yes,” he said.

”Did you think they weren’t strong or ‘manly’ enough?”

Dean paused a moment. He thought back to his 20s, to the times where he had maybe looked at gay men a little funny or made a crack at Sam for being too “sensitive”. That had been the norm back then right? In hindsight, he knew the reason behind every awkward encounter or offensive joke he told stemmed from his own insecurities.

The world had changed though and Dean had with it. He was older now and hopefully at least somewhat wiser. 

“No, of course not.”

”Do you think that about any guy because he likes other guys?”

”No...”

"Then why do you think those things about yourself?"

Dean had no answer so Sam continued.

"You're too hard on yourself, Dean. You take any chance you get to put yourself down. After all we've been through, you deserve to be happy. I mean, isn't that why we fought against Chuck? So that we could be free to live our lives?"

Sam was right. What was the point of fighting for free will if you weren’t going to use it? Logically this all made sense but still, old habits die hard. 

“Isn’t it time you finally let yourself be happy?”

Dean had been teetering on the edge of tears since he stopped the car and Sam's words seemed to break the dam at last. He felt that familiar well in his throat and rubbed his hands over his eyes to stop from crying.

"Damnit Sammy. You're one hell of a therapist."

Sam let out a soft laugh. Then he said, "So, what was the other part?"

"Huh?"

"I asked if the reason you're scared is because Cas is a guy and you said 'partly'. What's the other part?"

Dean stared out the window into the dark and chewed his lip anxiously. 

"I just don't wanna mess it up," he muttered. "I mean, it's Cas. He's our best friend, he's family. I don't know if I want things to change between us. Yeah, it could be great but it could also be terrible and...I don't want to lose him."

"You won't," said Sam.

Dean turned to him. "You can't know that."

"Yes, I can. I've watched you two for the past 10 years. I've seen the way you care about each other, even when you're fighting. There's nothing you could do that would make Cas walk away forever. He always comes back to you."

Dean felt himself heat up at Sam's words and he found he couldn’t think of anything to say. 

"So, what are you going to say when you see him?" asked Sam.

Dean pondered that question. What do you say to your best friend who you’ve been pining after for the better part of the past decade when he confesses his love for you, dies, then comes back from the dead?

“The truth,” he said.

Chapter Text

They had returned to the bunker to discover a very confused Castiel standing in the library. Sam had explained everything to him but not before running up to hug his newly resurrected friend. 

Dean had stood awkwardly to the side, nodding his head along as Sam spoke all while avoiding eye contact with Cas. 

Now he trailed behind as Sam and Cas started walking towards the TV room, apparently Sam had said something about having a movie night. He knew he’d have to face the angel sooner or later, but all the confidence he’d gained from his talk with Sam seemed to have evaporated the moment he saw Cas. 

Once inside the room, Sam said, “I’ll go make some popcorn. You guys can pick out a movie.”

He gave Dean a reassuring smile and walked out the door. 

A moment of silence passed. Then another. 

Their eyes locked. 

Say something you idiot.

“So, uh, how do you feel?” He asked lamely. “You know, coming back from the dead and all?”

Castiel looked down at himself. “I feel…new. Better than I have in ages, really.”

“I know the feeling,” said Dean. 

Cas smiled but it quickly faded and he no longer met Dean’s eyes. 

“Dean, about what I said before…”

Dean’s heart stopped in his chest. 

“I know you do not reciprocate my feelings, but I couldn’t die without telling you at least once. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. The last thing I would ever want to do is ruin our friendship.”

The words looked like torture for him to say.

Dean opened his mouth to respond, but no sound came out. Everything he wanted to say seemed to be lodged painfully in his throat.

Castiel met his eyes again.

“If you want me to leave, I’ll understand,” he said.

Panic at the thought of losing Cas again restarted Dean’s heart. He looked into those sad blue eyes, so vulnerable and beautiful. He felt something stir in his chest. Protectivness. The urge to shield his friend from all pain was overwhelming.

You’re the one causing him pain, dumbass.

Dean suddenly felt pissed. Pissed that he had let Cas think his love was unrequited for so long. Pissed that Cas was hurting and it was all his fault. Well enough was enough. Dean decided right then and there that no one was ever going to hurt Cas again. Not even his own stupid insecurities. 

“You’re wrong. Fuck, Cas you’re so wrong. I’m the one who should be apologizing for being such a coward.”

Cas furrowed his brow.

”You’re not a coward, Dean. You’re the bravest man I know.”

Jesus, Cas was going to kill him with these compliments. 

“I am, though. I’m a coward for never having the guts to tell you how I feel.”

Dean stepped forward closing the gap between them. It was now or never.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

Castiel’s eyes widened. He looked almost as stunned as Dean had been the last time they’d spoken.

“You can’t mean that,” breathed Cas.

“I do, I promise I do.”

Castiel was silent for a moment. He was staring into Dean’s eyes as though trying to determine something.

Is he trying to read my mind? To see if I’m lying?

But no, it didn’t feel like anytime Cas had been in his head before. It occured to Dean that Cas didn’t need to use his angel mojo in order to read his mind. He already knew Dean better than anyone ever had before. All he had to do was look into Dean’s eyes and he would know.

Seemingly satisfied with his findings, Castiel slowly nodded his head.

Over the years Dean had imagined kissing Cas in many ways. Rough, passionate, needy, desperate. But for their first one, he knew he wanted it to be soft, purely because Cas didn’t have a lot of experience in that department. Definitely not because he was nervous.

He moved his lips forward ever so slightly once, twice, before finally pressing them against Cas’.

He heard a sharp intake of breath and Cas stilled for just a moment before pushing his lips into Dean’s.

Technically speaking, the kiss wasn’t anything historic. But to Dean, it was everything.

The softness didn’t last long. Castiel snaked a hand up the back of his head into his hair and pulled their bodies closer together. Dean responded by cupping his hands around Cas’ face, angling them better so he could deepen the kiss. Cas moaned and Dean knew he had to pull back now or he wouldn’t be able to stop.

“I can’t believe this is real,” muttered Cas.

“It is. It’s real Cas and I want to tell you- I need to tell you- You changed me too. Of course you have. I- “ Dean looked down. “Shit, I’m no good at this. I had a whole speech prepared, it’s just hard to…” 

Cas smiled sweetly at him. “It’s ok Dean, you don’t have to.”

“Yes I do, Cas. I want to. You were brave enough to tell me and now it’s my turn. It’s what you deserve.” 

He took a deep breath. Man, Cas’ confession was gonna be tough to follow. 

“It was always just me and Sam, ya know? He’s the only one in the world I thought would ever give a damn about me. But then you came into our lives and everything changed. You became apart of my family and now I can’t imagine life without you. I once told Sam I could see the three of us retired together, sittin’ on the beach with our toes in the sand. I still want that, Cas. I want that with you.” 

That familiar feeling began to well in Dean’s throat again, but this time he didn’t fight it.

“I know how you see yourself too. Broken, fallen. I know you still punish yourself for the things you’ve done in the past and I know you blame yourself for a lot of shit that isn’t your fault. But when I look at you, I don’t see your mistakes. I see the guy who’s saved my life more times than I can count. I see someone who gives me strength, who makes me brave. Someone who would die for me. Because that’s who you are man, you’re all heart.”

Tears fell down his cheeks, but he paid them no mind.

“You told me that I-I’m selfless and loving, that I’m the most caring person you know. Well for me Cas, that’s you.

“And if you ever think you can’t have me, you’re wrong. Because you already do.“

Castiel smiled at him so warmly Dean swore he could feel it in his bones. 

“Dean,” Cas choked, tears of his own falling now too.

“I love you, Cas. I have for a long time and I will for the rest of my life if you’ll let me.”

“I will Dean, but not just for the rest of your life. For the rest of our lives.”

At Dean’s confused look, Cas explained,
“If I’m not mistaken, Jack has made me human again.”

Dean’s jaw dropped.

“Seriously?! Why would he do that?”

“I believe he knew it’s what I wanted,” said Cas.

“But why would you want that?”

Castiel tilted his head. “Isn’t it obvious? I don’t want to live in a world without you and Sam. I want to grow old with you, Dean. I want us to spend our lives together. I’d rather live a short human life with you than spend eternity alone.”

Dean gaped at him. 

“Cas, don’t get me wrong, I want that too. But I mean, last time you were human you didn’t exactly have an easy time.”

“Last time I didn’t have you,” he said simply. 

Dean blushed. “But still, to give up your immortality and your powers is a huge deal! I don’t know if I’m worth it.”

“You are to me, Dean. Immortality means nothing if you’re not by my side.”

Dean found he couldn’t argue with that.

Cas looked around confused.

“How long does it take Sam to make popcorn?”

Dean laughed. “I’m pretty sure that was a lie so we would be alone.”

“Oh,” said Cas. “So if Sam’s not coming back, does that mean we can kiss again?”

And how could Dean say no to that?