Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Another house. Another miss.

Buck wasn’t exactly surprised. He’d been looking for a home for so long he didn’t even know what it would feel like once he had found it.

He hadn’t felt at home when he’d lived with his parents. They had made sure of that. He hadn’t felt at home traveling around, which is why he left every place he reached sooner or later. He hadn’t felt at home in that apartment with his roommates. He’d loved Abby, but her place hadn’t been his home. It had been hers, and he’d just kept it for her. The loft had been the longest for him, and he’d chosen that because of Ali. He’d stayed there for years, but in the end, he had stagnated there. And then, Eddie’s old-new place. Despite their friendship and the fact he’d never be a guest there, it had felt like anything but home.

Except.

Except there had been that one night. That night he’d pushed Tommy into that bare mattress on the floor, and felt the familiar shape of him pressed close against him, and held and touched and kissed him. The night that Tommy called him Evan again, and held him tight, and made him feel calm and settled for the first time since- well, since he’d watched him turn his back and close the door behind him.

He didn’t plan it. He didn’t want to do it, he would tell himself, but he knew that wasn’t the whole truth. He wanted nothing more. But he also had his sister’s voice in his head, telling him about the bad reasons to get back together with someone, telling him about learning to be alone. But he didn’t want to be alone, he’d done that so much already. And getting back together – he was getting ahead of himself.

He just wanted to feel safe.

So, it wasn’t a surprise when he turned off the Jeep and found himself staring down the street of Tommy’s neighborhood. It was nighttime. Buck should leave. But he was so tired, and lonely, and unseen, and it seemed like the only person who was willing to look at him was Tommy. Bobby had seen him, and Bobby was dead, and Buck needed someone who understood.

Tommy did. Buck had told Tommy what Bobby meant to him.

He climbed out of the Jeep. Locked it. Walked up the little path to Tommy’s front door. He had seen dim lights through the windows, wondering if Tommy had already noticed his Jeep outside. If he would be hiding, pretending that no-one was home. His garage door was closed, and his truck was probably inside since Buck couldn’t see it. But Tommy was home, he had to be.

Buck knocked before he could stop himself, before he could force himself to leave. He held his breath as he waited. Every thought in his head screaming at him to turn around and get back to the car got silenced when he heard shuffling on the other side of the door, and it opened a second later, revealing Tommy in his typical loungewear, hair soft and curly, and eyes widening in surprise.

“Evan,” he said. “What are you- are you okay?”

Buck felt like was hanging on by a thread. He shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have showed up, I- I’m gonna leave, I’m sorry-”

But before he could actually do that, a big, warm hand closed around his wrist. The grip was gentle – Buck could break out of it if he really wanted to. But he didn’t. He halted before he could actually truly get moving, and he followed the tether, closing the distance between him and Tommy.

Tommy’s arms came up around him. And Buck sagged forward, feeling boneless and lost, and for the first time, as he took in the warmth of Tommy’s body and the familiar scent of his bodywash, Buck felt a little less alone. A little less like a ghost.

Tommy had asked him whether he was okay. His ex-boyfriend with whom he’d last exchanged a couple of words at the funeral of his might-as-well-be-father – he was the first one who asked Buck how he was doing. In that way of his, the way that showed he didn’t ask because it was polite but because he genuinely wanted to know.

“I didn’t know where else to go,” Buck confessed quietly into the space between Tommy’s collarbone and jaw.

“What?” Tommy’s hand tightened on the back of his neck from where he had been sliding it up and down. “What do you mean? Did something happen, what about your house? Or your sister?”

Your house. It had never been his, except for that shared night. Did something happen? Oh hell, did something happen. And Buck felt the cracks appear and spread all over him.

“I just-” He shook his head, his throat closing up around the words he wanted to use to explain things. That he was alone, that no-one had asked him where he was sleeping, where he was staying at. He didn’t want to blame Chim and Maddie, they just had a baby. But he did blame them a little, since it had been Chim who had essentially reprimanded him for wanting to leave. He blamed Eddie who only ever threw everything in his face, and had barely been able to squeeze out a thank you when Buck had packed all his shit up and left. He even blamed Hen. And he- he blamed Bobby. Because Bobby had lied to him.

Tommy started guiding him inside with gentle pressure. “Let’s get you inside. I was just about to have dinner. Come join me.”

The part of Buck that had been telling him he wasn’t supposed to be here had quieted down entirely. He was tired and hungry, and he didn’t want to spend another night eating takeout in his Jeep and debating whether he should get a hotel or just sleep in the car and hope that no-one would catch him. He wanted nothing more than to burrow down in the warmth that Tommy offered.

So, he went in, let the door fall closed behind him. Took off his shoes and his jacket, stuffing his wallet, keys, and phone into the pockets. After a moment of consideration, he turned off his phone. He didn’t want to have to deal with anyone else tonight. He left it all there at the door, and he hoped that the weight of it all would soon leave him.

Tommy brought him to the dining table and made him sit down. Buck could hear him bustle about his kitchen, but he was distracted by a soft little sound from under the table. Looking down, he found the single eye of Odin, Tommy’s huge fluffy black cat, staring at him.

“Hi,” Buck mumbled.

Odin made a little “brrp”-sound in return, then took a step closer and rubbed his head against Buck’s leg. And Buck felt the tightness in his throat. Was he really at this point, that he was so lonely that he was driven to tears by his ex-boyfriend’s introverted cat touching him for the first time?

He dug his fingers into his jeans as if that would keep the tears at bay, but he had to take his hands off of his legs immediately after since Odin decided to jump up on his lap. Buck wasn’t sure how to react to that, so he very gently dropped his hands around Odin’s body, petting over his soft fur. Odin started purring and rubbing his head against Buck’s stomach.

Tommy came back only a short moment later, carrying two plates of what looked like spaghetti carbonara, and Buck perked up a little. Tommy had that recipe from his grandmother, and it was some of the best carbonara that Buck had ever had.

The plate was put down in front of him, and Buck looked up at Tommy, at the soft smile on his face. After putting down his own plate, he walked around Buck, his fingers brushing over his shoulder. His smile widened when he saw that Odin had curled up on Buck’s lap.

“That’s a good boy, Odin,” Tommy said quietly, scratching the cat behind the ears. “I’ll get you some water. You can eat already if you want to.”

But Buck waited. He was hungry, yes, but he wanted more than just fuel in the tank. He wanted Tommy there, he wanted this evening to be like so many before, back when they were dating and had lunch and dinner and breakfast together whenever they could.

Tommy came back soon enough with two glasses of water. There was something on his face, something soft when he realized that Buck had waited for him. Buck continued to wait until Tommy had sat down. It was just like back then when they’d shared a table, in the exact same seats they always used.

It was only when Buck started eating that Tommy touched his own food. And it was so good, rich and creamy, and Buck felt almost like he was back months ago when Tommy had cooked him this meal for the first time, speaking quietly and gently about his grandmother who had died when he was fifteen, but left him a book with recipes. He’d liked cooking, he’d told Buck, but his father hadn’t wanted him to learn. Back then, everything had been different. Easier. Buck had been so caught up in the feeling of being with Tommy. He hadn’t asked Tommy more about his family, and Tommy hadn’t offered. Buck wondered if he should have pried more, if that would have saved them, in the end.

It wouldn’t have saved Bobby.

Buck felt the tears come back to his eyes. He had kept it together this whole time, but he was reaching his breaking point. He’d only really allowed himself to break a little bit in the confession booth, begging Bobby to tell him what to do.

It hadn’t worked. Buck still felt as unsure as he had then. There was no guidance. No advice.

“Hey,” Tommy said softly, his fingers skirting along Buck’s lower arm.

Buck looked up at him, knowing his eyes were probably red and huge. He wiped at his eyes before his tears could spill, but Tommy had already seen them. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Tommy’s eyes flitted all over his face. “How are you feeling, Evan?”

Buck dropped his fork and bit down on a sob. “I just want all of this to end!” he said. “I want to stop feeling like this, I don’t know what to do! I’m helpless, and nobody wants my help, or wants to help me! They won’t allow me in, but they don’t allow me to leave, and I don’t know-”

Tommy closed the space between them and took Buck’s hand. “You can tell me everything,” he promised. “Whatever you need to say.”

And all of Buck’s thoughts and pain and despair left him in a teary, choked up sounding, “I’m so tired.” He sniffled. He was tired of it all, of so many things, and he just wanted to feel safe. Like the way Tommy’s hand covering his made him feel.

“Then rest,” Tommy offered. “You’re allowed to take your time.”

He hadn’t taken his time. Well, the short time immediately after, he had taken. But ever since they had gone back to work, Buck had run himself ragged trying to take care of everyone, only to have his efforts thrown in his face. The only ones who had eaten when Buck had cooked were Ravi and fucking Gerrard. The others didn’t care for the food, had already eaten, looked at Buck’s suggestion to eat something like he was stupid. He just wanted a place to lay his head for a moment. He didn’t have that place.

“I don’t have anywhere to go tonight,” Buck confessed. Then, he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I-I’ll leave, I-uh, I-I-I can get a-a hotel, don’t worry about m-“

“Stay. I have a guest room, I can get it ready.” Tommy looked at Buck imploringly. “Please. If not for you, then for me. I’ll always worry about you, especially if I leave you alone tonight.”

Buck didn’t have the strength to say no. He didn’t want to crash in on Tommy’s evening, had probably ruined the plans he had made. He didn’t want to make Tommy take care of him. He never meant to make things about himself, but it always happened, it seemed.

But Tommy looked so relieved when Buck nodded, so he let himself believe that Tommy wasn’t mad at him. He finished his food and drank his water, and when Tommy suggested he go get a shower, Buck did.

He stood under the warm spray for a while, cleaning himself so thoroughly that his hair squeaked when he rubbed his fingers through it. He pretended he could wash it all off, the weight and the sorrow and the agony still sitting heavy behind his sternum.

When he climbed out of the shower, he immediately missed the warmth from the water. He wrapped himself up in one of the big towels and left the bathroom, looking for Tommy.

He found him in his bedroom, digging through the drawers of his closet that held the bedsheets. Buck watched him for a moment, watched the flex of his arms, completely visible in the black sleeveless top he was wearing. In that moment, Buck wanted nothing more than to be in those arms, held tight and safe. For a moment, he thought, nothing else would matter if Tommy had his arms around him.

He stepped into the room and Tommy looked up with a small smile. He got up, holding folded sheets in his hands. He was keeping his eyes on Buck’s face, but Buck had seen that flicker for a moment, and he wanted. So many things, all of them fitting under the word Tommy.

Reaching out, he took the sheets from Tommy’s hands, and dropped them down into the still open drawer. Tommy looked at them, then back at Buck, a question in his eyes. Maybe some hesitation. And perhaps Buck should hesitate, too. The last time they did this, there had been the underlying want to not be alone between all the desire to have Tommy back, and maybe, he wasn’t doing this for the right reasons, either. He wanted safety. And it seemed he could only get that with Tommy.

He raised his hands to cup Tommy’s face, only giving him a moment to pull away before he leaned in and kissed him. It was just a short one, just a gentle, tentative press of their lips together. Eyes closed, Buck pulled back a little, taking a moment to pretend he was living in a world where this wasn’t an uncertainty. He looked at Tommy and found him staring back, eyes wide and so blue.

They stared at each other, eyes searching, and then, Tommy’s hands found Buck’s waist and he leaned back in, kissing him longer, deeper this time, something hungrier coming forth. And Buck sighed, opened his mouth, rolled his body forward into Tommy’s grip and against his chest.

He only needed gentle pressure to get Tommy to walk backwards. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and raised his arms so that Buck could get his shirt off. Tommy’s hands immediately dropped to where Buck’s towel was desperately trying to hold onto his hips, untucking it and throwing it to the ground. Tommy’s sweatpants and boxers followed behind quickly, their movements colored with impatience and urgency and a certain type of clumsiness that came with getting distracted with each other’s mouths and tongues.

They managed it without any casualties. Together, they crawled up Tommy’s bed, and Buck settled himself on top of him, allowing himself to relax into the pressure that Tommy’s hands on his back and shoulder put on to pull him down entirely.

The kiss broke, and Buck leaned down to mouth at Tommy’s neck. A large hand found its way to the back of Buck’s head, just gently holding.

“Evan,” Tommy murmured, and Buck pushed himself up a little bit so they could look at each other.

There was that question in Tommy’s eyes again, a valid one. Buck knew they shouldn’t do this, probably. The first time had already been a bad idea, and this might very well be an even worse one. But how could it be a bad idea if it was the first thing in a while that made Buck feel- normal.

Still, he moved away a little bit to give Tommy some more space. He sat up in his lap. “You don’t have to,” he said, offering Tommy an out.

And Tommy seemed to actually consider it. His eyes found Buck’s again, and his hands came back up, a beloved weight on Buck’s hips. “Neither do you.”

Which was all they needed, it seemed. Only a moment between them to contemplate, and then, Buck was leaning down and Tommy’s hand pulled him in, and they were kissing again. Buck slipped his tongue into Tommy’s mouth immediately, and Tommy made that sound, that quiet groan, firing Buck up even more.

He straightened one of his legs out, slotting it between Tommy’s. They grinded against each other for a moment, the slide made smooth and easy from all the precum already leaking from Buck’s hard cock, but he didn’t want to spend a lot of time here. Not now. Maybe later.

Hooking his knee under Tommy’s, he pushed their legs up, opening Tommy’s so he could slide between them. Tommy tried to muffle his moan of, “Fuck,” in their kiss, but Buck heard it.

He grinned at that, open-mouthed and with his tongue finding its place between his teeth. He kissed Tommy again, filthy and deep, before he moved down, down, dragging his mouth and tongue and teeth over Tommy’s sensitive nipples and the hair slowly showing some silver between his pecs, and the soft give of his abdomen covering the hard-earned strength that came with a physical job. Buck’s hands settled on Tommy’s thighs, massive and strong but falling open so easily, so readily for Buck, the insides pressing against Buck’s ribcage.

Buck buried his nose in the crease of Tommy’s thigh, sucking a kiss into it right next to where Tommy’s dick was lying heavy and flushed and hard. Buck took a moment here, just to breathe, just to take the familiar scent of Tommy and sex in, just to feel how Tommy’s thighs trembled just slightly under Buck in anticipation.

Turning his head the other way, Buck breathed hot and heavy against the leaking head of Tommy’s cock. Tommy’s leg twitched. Smiling, grinning, flicking his tongue against his teeth, Buck waited for a couple of seconds longer, but then, he got too impatient himself to continue teasing. Tommy hadn’t said a word, was simply breathing heavily and letting Buck do his thing.

And he did do his thing, pressing a kiss to the tip of Tommy’s dick, then a second one, this time with tongue. Tommy let out a soft sound, and Buck took it as encouragement. He took the head into his mouth, tonguing at the slit, moaned at the drop of precum that hit him. He sucked at the skin, laving his tongue all over it, got his spit to run down the shaft.

Tommy’s hand found its way into his hair, just a gentle grip again, not pushing or guiding but just holding, but Buck still took it as a sign to move on.

He bobbed his head up and down, going further with every move, tonguing along the underside, swallowing around the length. He closed his eyes when the head hit the back of his throat for the first time. He loved the feeling. He’d trained off his gag reflex in the months of his relationship with Tommy, determined to deep-throat him the same way that Tommy could do for him. He just loved giving head, no matter what kind, he liked the headspace he got into.

He pushed down the last couple of inches on his next move down, taking Tommy all the way, pushing out his breath against the dark curls of his pubic hair. For a moment, he stayed like that, not breathing, not moving, only drooling around Tommy’s cock in the way they both loved.

He had to get back up, moving his mouth off. As he took deep breaths, his lips open and spit-slick, he stroked Tommy’s cock. He looked up at him and found him already looking down, eyes dark and gentle. Tommy’s fingers moved in his hair, scratching nails gently against his scalp.

“Look at you,” Tommy murmured. “That mouth, fuck, baby.”

Buck smirked up at him, leaning in to slide his open mouth over Tommy’s dick, up and down, his tongue flicking out against the prominent vein on the underside. “Yeah?” he gasped. “You like this mouth?”

“Love that mouth, baby,” Tommy said, reaching over to the nightstand for the lube lying there. “Think you can gimme more?”

As if that wasn’t Buck’s default, anyway. But he did pause to raise an eyebrow at Tommy. “Had plans for the evening?”

Tommy shrugged, leaning his head back against the pillows with a small smirk. It reminded Buck of the look Tommy had given him at the loft back then, and he found himself once again wishing he’d taken Tommy up on it. “Was just gonna jerk off. Try not to think of you, fail. You know how it is.”

Did Buck ever. “Well, you don’t just have to think of me now.”

He went back to it, taking Tommy’s dick back into his mouth while he slicked his fingers up with lube. For a moment, he kept at it, sucking dick and playing with Tommy’s balls, rubbing his fingers over the soft, sensitive skin, but he finally slid them down to the furl of Tommy’s hole.

He stroked over the tight muscle a couple of times, the spit running down slicking the way along with the lube, and for a moment, Buck wanted to slide down, lie flat on his stomach, and put his mouth to where his fingers were. But he wanted to see Tommy’s face, wanted that more. He’d have time to eat Tommy out later. He would.

Making sure to keep his eyes on Tommy’s face, Buck swallowed around him and pushed his first finger inside, moaning at the way Tommy’s body gave way for him so easily. He pushed his finger in slowly, slower than Tommy wanted him to it seemed from the way he tried to move down, but Buck used his free hand to hook his leg over his shoulder and keep him there.

He continued sucking languidly on the head of Tommy’s dick, only taking it into his mouth shallowly, while he pumped his finger in and out of Tommy’s ass, curling it as he went, tugging on his rim, his thumb pressed to his perineum. He moaned at the way Tommy’s thigh twitched, coming closer to his ear, and he felt like getting crushed between these gorgeous legs wasn’t the worst way to go. Tommy would probably agree with the sentiment – reversed, of course.

Tommy was making these little sounds every now and then, and when Buck got a second finger in, he started rocking his hips back and forth a little, forward into Buck’s awaiting mouth, backwards to take his fingers deeper. Buck still kept his eyes on Tommy’s face, blissed out, open-mouthed, close-eyed as he was. His hair was curling tighter behind his ears from the sweat slowly making its way there. The dim light of the room made his bottom lip shine where his tongue had flicked out to wet it.

He was so beautiful. So hot. He was everything Buck had ever wanted.

A third finger soon followed, and Buck returned to sucking Tommy off in earnest. He got lost in it a bit, in the smell and the taste, in the ache starting to set into his jaw, the tightness around his fingers as Tommy clenched around him again and again. When he brushed Tommy’s prostate, Tommy gasped and thrust forward into Buck’s mouth, and Buck moaned in return, using a hand on Tommy’s hip to encourage him to keep going as he kept curling, scissoring, and pumping his fingers inside him.

Buck could have spent the whole night down here, dick in his mouth, and been happy with it. But it seemed like Tommy wouldn’t be happy with three fingers up his ass tonight.

Tommy gripped Buck’s hair with his fingers and tugged on it gently until Buck moved up and off of his cock, the wet slap it made against Tommy’s stomach obscene and so fucking hot.

“Come up here, pretty boy, come on,” Tommy murmured to him, coaxing him up with his other hand curling under Buck’s chin.

Buck clambered up Tommy’s body, pulling his fingers out of his ass, and met Tommy in a spit-filled kiss. He bit at Tommy’s bottom lip, brushed his tongue against Tommy’s, slid his lips down to his chin and back to his mouth. He got his teeth in Tommy’s jaw, just for a moment, just to feel the scrape of his stubble.

“Feeling good?” Buck asked him, his words half-muffled when he decided to drop his mouth to Tommy’s throat and suck on the skin.

Tommy’s body rolled underneath him, causing their dicks to rub together. He reached down, gripping Buck by the jaw and pulling him up so that their eyes met. He put his thumb on Buck’s swollen bottom lip, pulling it down a little. Buck flicked his tongue against the pad of his thumb. “Feeling great. Come on, Evan.”

So, Buck dug out the lube and covered his cock in it. He moved up to his knees, propping himself up on top of Tommy with an arm. His free hand, he used to guide the tip of his dick to Tommy’s hole, but he didn’t press in immediately. He rubbed the head against Tommy’s hole, watching it clench and relax around nothing. He slapped his dick against it, then tapped it with two fingers.

“You waiting for a written invitation?” Tommy asked with an annoyed edge sharpening his voice.

Buck laughed. “Impatient, are we,” he teased.

“We have time for patience later,” Tommy retorted, moving one leg around Buck’s waist and nudging him forward with his heel. “Come on, now. You wanna give it to me, don’t you?”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. So, Buck tipped forward, finding Tommy for another kiss as he lined his cock up and pushed inside in a slow, steady roll of his hips, making Tommy’s body give and take him in. And it did, as easily as it always had, despite Buck’s size. Tommy liked it like that, liked having another big man with him, liked taking big dick when he had the chance.

Buck kept going, kept pushing forward, didn’t give Tommy a moment to breathe and adjust because he knew he liked it better that way, liked almost getting overwhelmed with it. He only took a moment once he was all the way in, his pelvis pressed to the back of Tommy’s thighs. He dropped his head, taking a couple of deep breaths. Tommy was so hot and tight inside, his insides gripping Buck’s cock perfectly, and the way his muscles fluttered around him almost drove him over the edge already.

Looking up at Tommy, he found him grinning, eyes closed again, and rolling his head and shoulders into the pillow in appreciation. He waited, stroking his hands over the fronts of Tommy’s thighs, until Tommy finally opened his eyes and looked at him. They were so huge and dark, looking at Buck like he never wanted to look at anything else.

“Good?” Buck asked, pressing forward a bit to push his cock harder into Tommy.

Tommy moaned, and Buck watched his dick twitch against his stomach. “So fucking good, baby.” He reached down, taking one of Buck’s hands off of his legs and into his. He used that grip to pull Buck down so his body would cover Tommy’s. “Mhh,” he hummed, “even better.”

Buck kissed him, threading their fingers together and pushing Tommy’s hand down into the mattress. His other hand, he used to rearrange Tommy’s knee to hook over his shoulder, and fuck, Tommy was so flexible that Buck could probably just fold him in half and fuck him like that for so long. Tommy’s other hand came up behind Buck, holding onto his back.

They broke the kiss just in time for Buck to move back a little and slam forward, using his grip around Tommy’s thigh to pull him down and into him, sinking as deeply into Tommy as he could go in this position. Tommy felt perfect around him, tight the whole way out and in, and he sounded perfect, too, that raspy groan, that hitch of his breath music to Buck’s ears.

He repeated that same movement, and Tommy moaned again, dropping his head back into the pillows. There was a blush on his cheeks already, bright and pretty.

“Yeah?” Buck asked, voice dropping down. His hand gripped Tommy’s thigh tighter, feeling his muscles shift under the skin and hair.

“Uh-huh, yeah,” Tommy gasped in agreement, rocking his body up and into Buck to meet his next thrust, knocking another deep moan from him. “That’s perfect.”

Perfect. And yeah, Buck could understand that sentiment. Tommy felt perfect, after all, felt like he was made to take Buck’s cock. Felt just like that night, when he’d ridden Buck into that bare mattress, hands on his chest, just as hot and tight around Buck as he was now.

Buck put more strength behind his thrusts, pulling out of Tommy almost all the way to push back inside, hard and fast, just like Tommy liked it. He kept his hold on Tommy’s leg, digging his nails into his skin against the sweat making his hand slip every now and then. The palm of his other hand stayed fused to Tommy’s, feeling his fingers squeeze around his on every single slam of his hips against Tommy’s ass.

The room was heating up with every passing second, every breath they shared, every time Buck let his body meet Tommy’s. He could feel the sweat dripping down his back, felt Tommy readjust his grip again and again, trying his best to continue holding onto Buck. The leg Buck wasn’t pushing up against his chest was still hooked over his hip, contracting every time Buck moved out to get him to push back in.

Buck adjusted on his knees, leaned in a little more, following Tommy’s grip, and on his next drive into him, Tommy made that sound that Buck had been looking for, that elated, blissful little thing, that moan he couldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried.

With a breathless smile, Buck repeated the same move, the same angle, and he got a repeat of the sound, too, hitting Tommy’s prostate every time now. Tommy’s fingernails dug into his back, and he dragged them down, the burn adding fuel to the fire alight in Buck’s veins. Still, Tommy refused to let go of Buck’s other hand, and he was glad for it. He rubbed his thumb over the bottom knuckle of Tommy’s, the stroke soft and gentle, almost out of place against the ferocity with which he moved his hips, but not. Nothing could be out of place here. Here, in that heated, paradise-like space between them, everything that they did belonged.

Tommy’s hand slipped off his back again, and this time, he didn’t try to regain his hold. Instead, he brought his hand up between them, his fingers curling so easily under Buck’s jaw, finding an old familiar spot there. His thumb fit right under Buck’s ear.

“Fuck, baby,” Tommy murmured to him.

“Yeah?” Buck asked, smile pulling on his mouth. He dipped down for a short kiss, moving away to a sound of protest from Tommy. “You gonna come? Need something more?”

“Gimme your hand.” And Tommy pulled him down for another kiss, this one deeper, longer, with decidedly more tongue.

Buck couldn’t deny him if he tried, even if he wanted to keep holding Tommy’s leg up and open. In return for letting it go, Tommy wrapped both around his waist, and Buck could feel them twitch and tremble against him every time he hit Tommy’s prostate, so the pay-off was more than worth it.

He dropped his hand between them, sliding it down over Tommy’s abdomen before he found his cock, dripping and thick, wrapping his fingers tight around it. Tommy’s hips twitched up into his hand, and then down to meet Buck’s next thrust again, and Buck used the momentum from his own body to work Tommy further into his hand.

Tommy seemed to be really worked up, since it didn’t take much longer for Buck to make him come. He kissed him, long and lazy, but he leaned back when he heard that familiar way Tommy’s voice pitched up just slightly, signifying how close he was. He leaned back enough so he could see him. Tommy’s eyes were closed, and his hair was in a lovely disarray. His lips were red and kiss-swollen, and he was still holding onto Buck’s hand. His other one had slid down from Buck’s face, now holding onto the back of his neck.

He was enraptured as Tommy tipped his head back, watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed and moaned, and he felt Tommy clench so tightly around him as something wet and hot hit his fingers. Tommy’s chest heaved, sweat shining between his pecs, and Buck leaned down to lick a stripe up between them, still pumping his hips forward, grinding tightly against Tommy to eke out every last bit of pleasure he could.

It was only when Tommy groaned and pushed his hand against Buck’s chest to halt his movement that Buck did stop. Tommy’s thighs were shaking slightly next to his hips.

“Okay?” he asked, breathless and rough.

Tommy laughed. A soft little thing, and repeated, “Okay?” He looked up at Buck, grinning, eyes big and wide, and continued, “Fishing for compliments, are you?”

Buck smiled down at him. “Well, you can only improve with honest reviews.”

Shaking his head, Tommy chuckled, “Do I look like Yelp to you?”

Instead of answering, Buck leaned down to kiss the smile off of Tommy’s mouth. He needed to feel its shape against him. He wanted to reach up and trace the lines next to Tommy’s eyes, but he was mindful of the cum still covering his fingers.

“Come up here,” Tommy mumbled into his mouth, and when Buck furrowed his brow, not really understanding – he was up here, already, wasn’t he, kissing Tommy? – he wrapped an arm around Buck’s waist and pulled him up, maneuvering him until Buck was straddling his chest.

Now he understood. And he followed Tommy’s unspoken request easily, lifting himself up on his knees a little bit. Tommy leaned back in the pillows, chin tipped up a little, and Buck closed his hand around his dick to start jerking himself with quick, precise moves. He had to use his left hand, because Tommy was still holding onto his right one and refusing to let go, but Buck was so keyed up that it didn’t matter.

And then, Tommy, eyes only half-open, opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, and Buck barely had enough time to actually aim before he was coming, sending rope after rope of cum over Tommy’s lips and tongue, squeezing himself as he slowly rocked forward into his own grip. He wanted to keep looking at Tommy’s face, at the absolute satisfaction shining through every feature, as if he’d found paradise through Buck’s cum in his mouth. But Buck was also busy riding out his own high, and his eyes fluttered closed as he took it all in, the pleasure running through him in waves, the feeling of his legs spread to accommodate Tommy’s broad chest, the fact he was here again with Tommy, sharing this with him, after believing – once more – that he wasn’t going to get the chance again.

He sank back on his heels with a soft moan as he took his hand off of his spent cock, letting Tommy feel his whole weight, and watched with rapt attention as Tommy closed his mouth and swallowed. For a moment, he opened his mouth after, letting Buck see he’d taken it all, and Buck moved back and collapsed forward to kiss him, licked the taste of his own jizz from Tommy’s mouth.

They stayed like that for a while, lying on top of each other, kissing. Tommy let go of Buck’s hand, allowing him to run his palms all over Tommy’s body with purposeful pressure. And Tommy wasn’t far behind, touching Buck all over, letting a large, strong hand stroke up and down his back, dipping lower, lower, until he reached the crack of Buck’s ass.

And sure, they’d just both come, but Buck was still feeling that buzz under his skin, he was still feeling restless with desire, so he moaned softly in encouragement, twitching his hips back into Tommy’s hand. It fit around one of his cheeks and squeezed, and Buck muffled a half-gasp, half-laugh against Tommy’s lips. Large fingers slipped lower, teasing at the soft skin of Buck’s sac before moving back up, rubbing over his perineum and then, finally, his hole.

Dry as the touch was, Buck probably shouldn’t be as into it as he was, but he was, and he started rocking back more firmly against Tommy’s fingers. On every move forward, Buck’s dick brushed Tommy’s, and he could already feel both of them slowly hardening up again.

Tommy’s fingers disappeared for a moment, but his other hand gripped Buck’s waist and encouraged him to grind against Tommy, rubbing their cocks together again, and Buck moaned instead of complaining, kissing all over Tommy’s neck and jaw. A short moment later, the familiar pressure returned to Buck’s perineum and hole, now slick with lube.

He sighed, dropping off into a moan as Tommy slowly rubbed his fingers over the furled muscle. He alternated with the pressure, sometimes soft, sometimes a bit harder, never enough to press inside. Buck was grateful for it, because every time Tommy teased as if to push in, Buck’s hips jerked with oversensitivity, and he let out a sound that was caught half-way between pleasure and pain.

It took a bit, just a while of making out and Tommy’s continued ministrations, for Buck to feel his cock start filling out again in earnest. And when he rolled his hips against Tommy’s, changing the angle just a little, he could feel that Tommy was in the same boat.

While sure, there had been times where Tommy had a one-and-done kind of night, most of the time, he was just as horny and ready to go as Buck. When they were really pent up, they went several rounds per night, and it seemed like this was building up to be that kind of night. Just like back then, the last night they’d shared, where they’d gone four rounds – Tommy had ridden him, Buck had licked his own cum from Tommy’s ass, then Tommy had fucked him from behind, until they finally traded blowjobs in the bathroom. They’d been insatiable that night, would have probably gone on until the morning if not for the alcohol in their veins making them tired.

He’d felt so complete with Tommy. He’d been so obsessed with it, with how Tommy could meet him beat for beat at every turn. And then he’d lost that.

He had it back, now. And he wouldn’t give it up.

Buck was pulled out of his thoughts by Tommy putting more pressure on his rim, not quite enough to fully breach him, but enough to make Buck twitch, rocking his hips back into it.

“C’mon,” Buck mumbled, leaning down to bite and suck at Tommy’s neck. “Gimme.”

Tommy chuckled, sound muffled as he pressed a kiss to Buck’s head. “Didn’t take long to turn into a brat again, did you, baby?”

Buck grinned at him, broad and teasing. “You like it that way,” he said, flicking his tongue against his lower teeth.

Heat raced down his spine as he watched Tommy’s eyes lock in on his mouth, clearly following the movement he’d seen. His voice sounded almost distracted when he said, “I do.” Tommy leaned in to kiss Buck again, heavy and open, and Buck groaned appreciatively.

Leg’s spreading a little further so that he could straddle Tommy a little better, Buck sighed as he pressed the insides of his thighs to Tommy’s sides. He ran his hands over his body, over the solid muscles and soft skin, through the hair on his chest and abdomen, along the rougher texture of the scar on Tommy’s ribcage. He was refamiliarizing himself with Tommy, with all the things he knew about him and had come to love.

Tommy finally stopped rubbing his fingers up and down Buck’s crack and pushed a little harder against his hole, slowly slipping the first finger inside. Slowly, because when it came down to it, Tommy was a gentle being, no matter how many barbed words he threw out and heavy walls he built.

Buck sighed when the whole length of Tommy’s finger was inside of him. He clenched around it, closing his eyes at the feel of it. Tommy had such big hands, and his fingers were proportionate to that, and Buck already felt so much just from that finger in him. There had been many nights Tommy just kept getting Buck off over and over with just his fingers. Buck hoped that could be a thing for the near future again.

For now, he mouthed at Tommy’s throat and chest, squeezing his pecs in both hands. He slowly rocked his hips back and forth, into Tommy’s hand and against his hard, thick cock lying against his stomach. Angling his hips a little again so that their cocks would brush together again, Buck reached between them to take them both in hand for a moment. He just liked this, the way he got his precum all over Tommy, the way that the girth of both of them filled his hand.

Tommy slowly, lazily pushed his finger in and out of Buck, moving around and pulling at his rim to loosen him up, but Buck could tell the difference to him pushing in immediately. This wasn’t to be gentle, anymore, this was because Tommy was a tease and liked riling Buck up.

Well, two could play that game. Buck shifted his grip, dropping his own dick in favor of keeping his touch on Tommy’s skin feather-light. He traced his fingertips up and down his length, and laughed softly at the soft groan of complaint that left Tommy.

“What, I can’t tease you back?” Buck asked, grin broad and bright.

“What do you mean?” Tommy asked, feigning innocence with a twinkle of mirth in his eyes. “I’m not teasing you. I’m just efficient with prep.”

“Oh, efficient, is it?”

“Sure,” Tommy smirked, pushing his second finger inside quicker than the first one. “Wouldn’t want you to finish too quickly, would we?”

“Got plans?” Buck asked, his voice dropping off into a low moan as he hitched his hips back, trying to encourage Tommy to move his fingers.

“With you? Always.” With that, he did start moving them, twisting and pulling with a lot more purpose than before, but he ignored Buck’s prostate, seemingly making sure to miss it on every single motion.

And for all that Buck was begging, or demanding, for Tommy to get a move on, he was relieved that Tommy wasn’t going for his prostate immediately. His skin still felt a little electrified from oversensitivity, all the sensations of Tommy’s fingers inside him and his cock lightly brushing the hair-covered skin of Tommy’s thigh skirting the edge of becoming so intense they would turn painful. Tommy knew this, apparently, and acted accordingly.

It was both a little terrifying and a lot exhilarating to be known so well inside and out. It was like the last night they’d shared, that sort of catharsis that Buck had felt when he and Tommy had tumbled down on that damn mattress, only back then, there had been more urgency between them, something a lot more frantic. And yet, Buck had still felt seen and known.

He’d been afraid back then. Of losing it again, of having to face Tommy leaving him a second time. Only for that fear to come true the next morning, when both of them spoke without thinking and they were stuck in the same spot again, with Tommy running and Buck not having the courage to hold onto him.

He’d do it differently this time, he promised himself. Later, once the need and desire had burned off, he’d do it right. He had to.

Tommy made a soft sound, like a hum, and brought his free hand up to curl his fingers under Buck’s jaw. “Where are you at, sweetheart?”

Buck felt his whole face soften. He didn’t give Tommy the whole thing going through his head because he knew that it would pull them out of the mood, and what Buck really wanted to do right now was fuck. But he did speak, allowed himself some honesty and vulnerability. “I’m glad I’m here,” he said.

He could watch Tommy’s expression shutter for a moment and he feared that it had been the wrong thing to say. But then, it was like Tommy’s face opened up again, like a cloud moving away from the sun. His eyes, dark and wide, lit up, and the half-smile on his lips was something tender.

“So am I,” he said, and used his grip on Buck’s jaw to pull him down and kiss him.

Buck was almost grinning too hard to return the kiss, but he managed somehow. He got his arm half around Tommy’s shoulders, the other one digging into the meat on his ribs, and pulled his leg up to throw over his hip. And sure as anything, Tommy dropped his hand from Buck’s face to run it along the back of Buck’s thigh.

Tommy swirled his fingers around inside of Buck again, scissoring them a little, and then, pulled them out, clearly ready to move on, and that was just fine by Buck. Sure, it had been a while again – not as long as the first break, though – but he wanted to feel it. He wanted to feel Tommy take up space in him again.  

With a couple of gentle nudges and soft words, Tommy rearranged them until he was sitting up against his ungodly number of pillows at the headboard and Buck was settled in his lap. With strong hands on Buck’s hips, Tommy pulled him down, all the way down so Buck was letting his whole weight rest on him.

Buck rocked his hips back and forth just a little bit, enough that Tommy’s dick could slip under his, nudge up against his balls. He made a little noise at that, and repeated the movement. The head of Tommy’s dick slid past, slotting in between his cheeks, rubbing up against his loosened hole. Buck clenched when he felt the wet-sticky slide of precum against his skin. He made another soft sound, a breathy moan, before his mouth was covered by Tommy’s. Buck wrapped his arms around his shoulders again, sinking into the kiss and Tommy’s chest.

He felt Tommy shift underneath him, then heard the cap of the lube bottle open. He made another noise against Tommy’s mouth, this one in anticipation. He felt Tommy’s smile against his lips, and then the hint of warmth as Tommy brought his arm around Buck and underneath him.

The kiss broke and Buck swallowed heavily, lifting up a little bit on his knees as he reached back, too. He curled his hand around Tommy’s cock, now wet with lube, and their fingers brushed as they held it steady together so Buck could line it up easily.

When he felt the tip of Tommy’s cock at his hole, so big and wide, he twitched, just a little bit, and his thighs trembled in anticipation. He didn’t tease himself the same way he’d done to Tommy, only hesitating for a moment before he held Tommy’s dick in place and slowly, carefully let himself sink down on him.

The prep hadn’t been quite enough, but that had been just what Buck had wanted. And now, he got to feel the payoff, got to feel the way Tommy’s cock slowly invaded his body, made him stretch and give way to accommodate his size. He had to go slow, and he welcomed that, closing his eyes and dropping his jaw open as he felt every inch of Tommy sliding inside, sliding deeper.

He had to pause every now and then to take deep breaths, soaking up the feeling of Tommy’s hands gently running up and down his thighs, his voice murmuring encouragement and praise. But finally, after a time Buck couldn’t define – and didn’t want to, he’d enjoyed it too much – his ass was finally flush with the tops of Tommy’s legs, and Tommy’s cock was all the way inside him.

Buck could feel it with every minute twitch of his hips, with every breath he took, as if it was deep enough to hinder the movement of his diaphragm. It was perfect, and Buck had trouble keeping his eyes open. He wanted to lose himself, so he did, leaning heavily into Tommy and breathing out a soft little, “Daddy.”

He felt Tommy stiffen for a moment, but then, his whole demeanor shifted, softening, and his arms wrapped around Buck’s waist, hands wide and open as he held him close. Buck’s own hands stroked over the muscles of Tommy’s back, up his neck, to his hair, caressing every bit of skin he could find.

They stayed like that for a bit, holding onto each other as they breathed, just taking it in. Tommy shifted minutely under Buck, and it made his cock slide deeper, brush by Buck’s prostate just enough to make him feel it. Buck moaned lowly and hitched his hips forward, rolling into Tommy in a smooth motion, letting himself almost drop into Tommy’s chest and hands. It burned, just a little bit, but Buck welcomed it, the reality of having Tommy close again.

It only took a little bit of shifting and moving around until they were properly settled in, fitting perfectly together just as they’d used to. Hands ran over miles of skin, pressing down and gently running fingers over dips and valleys, as they rocked and moved into each other. They picked up momentum slowly, Tommy watching Buck’s face intently, and Buck kept whispering that it was good, so good, nothing hurt. It took a couple more reassurances before Tommy accepted it and moved with more purpose, starting to pull Buck down by the waist to meet his thrusts.

And that was perfect, just perfect, the way they fit together, the way Tommy slowly fucked up into him. Tommy knew how Buck liked it and when. When they were face to face like this, one of them perched in the other’s lap, Buck liked it slow and deep, a smooth rhythm pushing them together like waves, Tommy’s hands all over him and his all over Tommy. And Tommy gave him exactly that, along with holding Buck close enough for them to share breath.

“You’re so good to me,” Buck sighed into the space between them, arms tightening around Tommy’s shoulders. “So sweet to me, daddy, so sweet.”

Tommy’s eyes were closed and he buried his answering moan against the edge of Buck’s jaw. They hadn’t done the daddy-thing back when they’d hooked up. Buck had wanted to, but he’d kept that word locked up tight. He’d thought that perhaps, he’d have a chance to build up to it. This time, he wasn’t taking the chance. He was letting Tommy know what he wanted, trying to remind him of the closeness and intimacy that came with the word. And he knew, he knew so well what that word meant to Tommy – he’d seen it on his face, he’d heard it in his voice whenever they played like this.

This, however, almost seemed like he was trying to hide from it, from what it meant when Buck called him that. Buck understood, at least he thought he did. He assumed that Tommy was scared that if he let himself open up to this, something bad would happen. What had he said all the way back then? That he wouldn’t be able to take it if Buck broke his heart.

But this would be different. Buck wouldn’t break his heart, and he’d keep Tommy from running. This time, he’d make him stay and listen. And if that wasn’t enough …

It would be.

Buck buried his mouth against the skin just below Tommy’s ear by the bolt of his jaw, eyes closed and breath heavy. He whispered his next words, meaning them only for Tommy.

“Know just what I want,” he murmured, moaning softly when Tommy’s cock brushed his prostate again with just the right amount of pressure. “Just what I need,” he continued, going in for the kill. “I missed you daddy.” Humming, he slid his lips along the edge of Tommy’s jaw, kissing him quickly on the mouth. “Missed my daddy so much.”

There was no way that Tommy could have hidden the half-sob breaking out of him. Buck cupped Tommy’s face in both hands and tipped it up, barely brushing his lips along Tommy’s slightly agape mouth. Finally, Tommy’s eyelids lifted, letting Buck see the dewy sheen making the blue of his eyes swim.

Buck watched Tommy’s eyes flit back and forth, and he wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he could pinpoint the moment Tommy found it. His whole face dropped open, eyes wide and soft, and he leaned up, one of his big hands coming up to cup the back of Buck’s neck and bring him down.

“Daddy missed you too, sweetheart,” he rasped. He nuzzled against the side of Buck’s face. “I want to be good to you, I want to take care of you. Want to give you everything.”

Fingers tracing along the shifting muscles of Tommy’s upper back, Buck tried to hold onto him and pull himself closer. “You are,” he whispered as Tommy followed his silent request of Hold me closer by tightening his arm around Buck’s waist, pulling him in until their chests, tacky with sweat, were pressed tightly against each other, using his other hand on Buck’s waist to help him keep rhythm.

Buck moaned, louder this time, when he felt Tommy’s cock press deeper into him, and Tommy rubbed his thumb over the jut of Buck’s pelvic bone soothingly.

“Daddy’s got you, baby, daddy’s got you,” he promised.

“I know.”

Buck closed his eyes, sighing and letting himself drop into the feeling of ecstasy slowly building in him. They weren’t moving particularly fast, but Tommy’s cock was deep inside him and hit his prostate the whole time, and they were so close to each other. Buck felt Tommy’s breath against his skin.

He leaned forward, trying to reach Tommy’s lips, but Tommy leaned down instead, kissing and gently biting Buck’s throat.

With a frustrated noise, Buck nudged his nose against Tommy’s a couple of times to encourage him to look up again. His eyes opened, meeting Tommy’s.

“Want something, baby?” Tommy asked, eyebrow quirking and smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

“Kiss,” he demanded, feeling his mouth drop into a pout. He hoped that Tommy was still just as fond of that as he had been the first time.

It seemed like he was, because he let out a soft, rumbling laugh and gave Buck just what he wanted, kissing him deeply, a hand of his spreading out between Buck’s shoulder blades to keep him steady.

They stayed like that, wrapped up in each other as the heat built between them again. Buck could feel it, the tightening in his stomach, the way his balls felt like they were drawing up. He could tell Tommy was getting close too by the telltale hitch of his breath.

“Gonna come,” Tommy murmured into his mouth, confirming his thoughts.

But now that Tommy had spoken it out loud, Buck realized how ravenous he was for it. They’d ditched the condoms pretty early into their relationship and it was a decision Buck had never wanted to go back on. He loved it, feeling Tommy’s cum inside of him even though the clean-up was a bit of a hassle. He liked doing it to Tommy, too. He liked the possessiveness of it, like he was getting marked from the inside out. Like he was staking a claim.

So, Buck started moving his hips a little harder, a little faster to speed Tommy along. He bit and gnawed at Tommy’s jaw, worrying his teeth over the edge. “Inside,” he whimpered. “Inside, inside, inside.”

“I got you, Evan,” Tommy reassured him, pulling him down so the head of his dick could press long and hard against Buck’s prostate. “Didn’t I tell you? Daddy’s got you, you don’t have to worry about a thing.”

Tommy had said that. And so, Buck allowed his hands to gentle his movement again. He allowed Tommy to guide him tenderly, slowly, and he kept his eyes on Tommy as the pleasure inside of him crested. Buck barely noticed his own orgasm over the joyous feeling of belonging when he felt Tommy come inside of him.

He smothered the soft cry that left him by pulling Tommy into a feverish kiss. He could feel the stickiness that he’d left all over his own abdomen as well as Tommy’s, and he pressed closer, moving up and down in tiny rocks of his hips, gripped by the burning desire to rub his release into Tommy’s skin and make him carry Buck around with him.

The sex had always been so good, great, mind-blowingly amazing. Back when they were dating and the night a couple of weeks back. They’d done it all, from rough to gentle to explosive to experimental. But this felt a little different. This, for one, hadn’t been explosive at all. Softer. Sweeter. And a bit like both of them were determined not to let it shatter again.

It was a little while later that they were lying together on top of the covers, having done a haphazard job of cleaning off with a couple of wet wipes. Buck was lying on Tommy’s chest, drawing patterns with his fingers across his skin. One of Tommy’s arms was wrapped around his shoulder, his hand idly stroking over his shoulder blade.

Tommy reached up with his free hand, carding it through Buck’s curly hair, still slightly damp at the temples from sweat. He curled a strand around a thick finger, tugging gently on it. Buck tilted his head up to meet his eyes.

“I like this,” Tommy mumbled.

It took Buck a moment, but then he realized he was talking about the streak of gray that had started showing in Buck’s hair. At first, Buck wanted to protest, but then, he remembered how he felt about the silver in Tommy’s hair and stubble. He should have expected that they were into the same stuff.

He squashed down the spark of relief. He had tried to ignore it, but when he’d discovered the start of gray in his hair, he’d worried that Tommy had liked him because he was young. He wasn’t even that young, just- well, younger. Obviously that hadn’t been why Tommy was into him, but Buck’s fears tended to get the better of him.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Tommy continued now, his large hand fitting like a blanket over the back of Buck’s neck.

Buck clung tighter to him. Don’t let me go, he thought.

And Tommy didn’t. He clutched him tightly, and Buck tried to fuse himself with Tommy. He leaned up a little, nuzzling and kissing Tommy, allowing himself to just be there in the moment and not worry about what might come tomorrow.

He threw one leg over Tommy’s hips, pressing as close as he physically could. Buck was already half asleep, so his memory was foggy, but he thought they’d slowly started grinding against each other again, hands running all over, sharing kisses over and over. Buck remembered feeling something stirring in his belly, his dick making a valiant effort to perk back up, but while he was pretty sure that he’d felt the same reaction from Tommy, neither of them was in the mood to chase it. They kissed each other to sleep, just basking in each other’s presence, the pleasure just a low buzz around them, amplifying the peace Buck felt at being with Tommy again.

-----------------------------------------

This time, when Buck woke up the next morning, Tommy was still with him. He was still holding onto Buck. They were still naked and a little bit sticky, they hadn’t really managed to get under the covers so they were mostly exposed to the open air, and there was a spectacular hickey blooming on the edge of Tommy’s jaw, but Buck had never felt better.

He snuggled up a little, running a gentle hand up and down Tommy’s chest. He flashed back to all the mornings they’d spent like this. For a moment, Buck’s life was easy. Nothing hurt. He was with the man he loved, safe and happy, and he didn’t need to worry about anything.

Then, life caught up with him and he buried his face in Tommy’s shoulder as if that would keep it at bay. But no matter how good he felt when he was with Tommy, there were truths out there that would continue to tear at the hole opening in his chest. Bobby was dead. The 118 was falling apart. Buck had no home to return to. He and Tommy weren’t together right now. So many things were weighing down Buck’s shoulders, and he felt like he couldn’t fix a single one.

Tommy made a noise next to him, a deeper breath following. Buck looked up just in time to watch the last remnants of sleepy relaxation leave Tommy’s face as he blinked his eyes open. His arm tightened around Buck’s shoulders for a moment before he looked down, a soft smile on his face.

Buck smiled at the way Tommy blinked against the sunlight tinting the room golden. They hadn’t closed the blinds last night, and Buck was glad for it, for the way light and shadow played on Tommy’s skin.

“Hey,” Buck mumbled, quiet in the silence of an early morning.

“Hi, Evan,” Tommy returned. Buck wondered if he was as obsessed with saying Buck’s name as Buck was with hearing it. Tommy’s thumb brushed over his shoulder. “Sleep well?”

Better than he had in weeks. So, he nodded. He pushed himself up on his elbow a little so he could lean over Tommy and kiss him. He was reminded of another morning in a sunlit kitchen, sitting on the counter, hoping for a kiss that never came.

Buck would have loved to stay here for a while longer, but his stomach started growling, and Tommy broke their kiss with a soft laugh.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get up.” He let go with a last caress to Buck’s shoulder blade, moving to get off of the bed.

“When do you have to go on shift?” Buck asked as he followed Tommy’s example. He suspected that Tommy had lied to him back then when he’d said he had a shift, and like hell was he going to allow Tommy to use that same excuse if things didn’t go right at first.

“Got my 48 off right now,” Tommy said.

Good. That meant they had some time.

They got dressed, got through their routine in the bathroom. Buck’s stuff was in a duffel in his Jeep, including clothes and toiletries, but Tommy simply gave Buck a spare toothbrush and some of his clothes to wear, saying they could get his stuff later. Buck waited until Tommy had wandered off to feed Odin to bury his nose in the collar of his borrowed shirt. He’d missed this.

He went downstairs to the kitchen where Tommy was currently preparing Odin’s food bowl while said cat was rubbing up against his legs. Once he’d put the bowl down and left Odin to it with a stroke down his back, Tommy rightened himself up again and turned to Buck.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked.

He said it like he felt like Buck would try to tell him he wasn’t hungry, and Buck’s first reaction was exactly that. He was hungry, but he also didn’t want to make Tommy feel like he was a burden. Not when they still had to talk.

But Tommy was looking at him expectantly, and Buck took a moment to actually think about it. He settled on scrambled eggs, partly because he wanted a do-over from their last morning, and partly because he really missed Tommy’s scrambled eggs.

They cooked together in silence. Breakfast had kind of always been Tommy’s thing when they were dating, and Buck had often just planted himself on the counter to watch and distract him. This time, he let Tommy order him around a little, brushing up against him whenever they were close enough.

For a moment, he flashed back to the talk with Maddie in her kitchen. Where she’d essentially pointed out that Buck didn’t have the right reasons to want to get back with Tommy. He’d left out some of them, however. And besides, what were the right reasons? Sure, Buck didn’t really want to be alone, but what had he been all along? The only time he’d felt like himself these past months was when he was with Tommy. Not even just the night they’d had sex, but when they’d been in the helicopter, and Buck had readily put his life in Tommy’s hands.

Tommy was Buck’s person. That was enough reason to try and win him back.

They ate together in relative silence. Odin came and nuzzled against Buck’s leg before he went on to give Tommy’s the same treatment. Buck watched the cat as he slowly walked out of the kitchen to the living room. When he looked back up, he met Tommy’s eyes. Tommy was watching him with pure, unabashed fondness.

Once they were done, they put their dishes away, and Buck knew it was time to face the music. Tommy had been sweet enough not to make him talk last night, and then had followed Buck into bed. He’d want some answers.

His expectations were fulfilled when Tommy put a gentle hand on his lower back where they were standing at the kitchen counter and asked, “What’s going on, Evan?”

Buck shrugged. It was actually sort of hard to actually put into words. He tried, stuttering his way through explaining that Eddie had come back to LA with Chris and needed the house, so Buck had dipped. And when Tommy asked incredulously, “Diaz kicked you out?” it was actually not that easy for Buck to become defensive. Still, he explained that Eddie hadn’t done that in so many words, but he also hadn’t stopped Buck or offered him the couch, at least until he had something new lined up.

“What about everyone else?” Tommy finally asked.

Which meant that Buck had to tell Tommy about the fact that none of them knew. And that none of them tried to know. He told him everything, about trying to hold everyone together, making the grief assessments since they didn’t seem to want to talk to him at all, about Eddie, and his transfer, and Chim.

“You wanted to transfer?” Tommy clarified.

Buck wanted to say yes. He wanted to say no. He had wanted to transfer. He still wanted to. But things had gotten so extremely complicated. “Doesn’t matter. Chim kinda forbade me from it.”

“But what do you want? Do you want to stay?”

Incredible how Tommy could ask such simple questions that seemed to tear Buck apart from the inside. Did he want to stay? Of course. The 118 had been his life for years. His home, his place. But Bobby was dead, and no-one else had asked him what he wanted.

“Not like this,” he finally landed on. “But I already rescinded my request, and if I try again now, I bet they’re going to tell me …” He trailed off. Way to prove their point, huh?

“Tell you what?” Only Tommy seemed hell-bent on not letting Buck try to make himself smaller and hide his issues. And Buck really didn’t want to admit it out loud in front of Tommy. With the way his life had been going this year, his luck would have it that Tommy would agree.

Still, he sighed and talked. “You know I tend to make things all about myself.”

“What do you mean?” And Tommy seemed truly stumped.

“You know,” Buck shrugged. “The way I gotta make things about myself. Eddie said it, and he’s not wrong, I don’t think. I mean, I tried to take care of the others, but I guess I can’t help it.”

Tommy’s brows furrowed. “Your father is dead,” he said, his voice flat. “He’s dead, you’re allowed to make that about yourself.”

Buck froze. He didn’t even have time to fully crash, because Tommy was there immediately, taking him into his arms and holding onto him. Buck clung to him, grabbing at his back and shoulder, trying to keep the weight of it all from crushing him.

“I’m so sorry, Evan,” Tommy murmured, holding onto him and rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back. “I thought they had you. I thought they’d keep you up. I thought they loved you just as-” He broke off. “I thought they’d be there. I was wrong. I should have been there. I should have been checking in. I’m sorry.”

Buck shook his head where he had it buried in Tommy’s throat. “Not your fault.”

“Maybe,” Tommy conceded. “But I still should have reached out. I guess I shouldn’t have expected-” He trailed off once more. Whatever he had expected, he didn’t speak out loud. He ran a hand through Buck’s hair. “Come on. When do you have to go on shift?”

“Not today,” Buck mumbled. He didn’t want to leave this place, nestled in Tommy’s neck.

“Good. Then you can just rest for the day. Do nothing. Or we can talk about it, and you can think about your future at the 118. Or if you even want one.”

Just like that, Tommy had taken in that Buck had wanted to leave the station that meant his entire world to him – or used to mean, at least – and accepted it enough to entertain the thought.

“But Chim said-” Buck started.

“It doesn’t matter what he said. Or what he wants. This isn’t about him, it’s about you,” Tommy interrupted.

And that was it, apparently. After having others refuse to talk to him or entertain his feelings without scoffing that he just had to make things about himself, here Tommy was, telling him the exact opposite. Buck couldn’t keep the tears back if he tried.

“I want Bobby back,” he choked out, because those were the thoughts continuously circling in his head, words he hadn’t spoken out loud because the last time he’d come close, Eddie had looked like he wanted to beat him up over it.

“I know,” Tommy retorted gently, a hand on the back of Buck’s head as he pulled him back into a hug.

“He said I’d be okay. He said they’d need me. But they don’t, and I don’t think they even want me.” A truth Buck was rapidly forced to accept. Had they ever wanted him at all?

“I don’t think he meant you’d be okay right away. Just that at some point you would be.” Slowly, Tommy steered Buck away from the kitchen. Buck didn’t care about where they were going as long as Tommy kept holding him.

“And what about the needing me part?” Buck asked as they sat down on the couch. Tears made his voice tight as he continued. “I can’t even fulfill the last thing Bobby told me-”

“That’s not on you,” Tommy interrupted, his voice hard and eyebrows furrowed. “You’re not making a liar out of Bobby, they are. I know you, Evan, and I know you care. You would never turn your back on them. They’re the ones not letting you in.” He cupped Buck’s face with one hand. “They aren’t respecting his legacy. It’s more than that station, it’s everything around it. And if you don’t feel safe or even appreciated, it’s okay to leave. Sometimes it’s the right thing. Guilt isn’t the right reason to stay.” Tommy said that last part like he had intimate experience with it. He probably did.

Buck cuddled up to him, saying nothing. He thought about it. Chim had acted like the transfer request had been an in-the-moment, impulsive thing. But honestly, the whole thing was complicated enough that it was sort of impossible for it to be impulsive. Buck had to think things through and fill out the correct forms and then send them off. He’d really wanted to do it.

And he still did. A little bit. Maybe a lot. He wanted to stay at the 118, but he was rapidly realizing that apparently, only Bobby had ever seen his potential. His growth. He wasn’t that hotheaded kid anymore. The others didn’t seem to see it.

“It’s your choice, Evan,” Tommy said now. Perhaps he knew what Buck was thinking. “If you think you can move and keep going with them, do that. A rough patch isn’t the end. But if you can’t, you’re not giving up on anything. Things change. You accept that.” Rubbing a hand back and forth over Buck’s arm, he said, “I’ll be with you, no matter what choice you make.”

That alone sounded so good. But Buck couldn’t help but wonder if Tommy would be disappointed in him if he chose one thing over the other.

“Do you want me to make a specific choice?” he asked.

Tommy sighed. “I have my own opinions on what I think would be better for you. But I won’t tell you.” A sardonic smile played on his lips. “Kinda learning my lesson when it comes to telling you what to do.”

“Better late than never,” Buck couldn’t help but quip.

Luckily, Tommy laughed. Then, he turned more serious eyes towards Buck. “I can’t help you with this. Leaving the 118 wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing for me. I don’t regret it. But you and I, we’re not in the same position. So I can’t give you advice based on my experiences.”

Which was reasonable. Part of Buck, however, wished that Tommy would just tell him what he thought. Another part knew that there was a good chance Buck would get defensive no matter what Tommy said. He had to figure this out on his own.

They spent a while there, on the couch, wrapped in each other’s arms. But Buck also knew the minutes were slipping. He still had to figure out his living conditions. He was set to meet with a realtor later today, and then he had to be at work tomorrow.

He slowly untangled himself from Tommy, trying to keep his smile down when he saw the disgruntled look on his face.

“Think I should get out of your hair,” Buck suggested lightly. “Apartments aren’t gonna find themselves.”

“You could just stay.”

Buck froze where he was, half-way off the couch. He slowly sat back down, staring at Tommy with wide eyes. He squashed down the hope in his chest. They had both carefully avoided the elephant in the room the whole morning. They kept touching, and they’d shared that kiss, but neither of them had spoken about their relationship.

Seemed like it was time.

So, Buck pointed out, eyebrows rising, “You broke up with me because I asked you to move in with me.”

“Yeah, well, I was wrong,” Tommy retorted, somehow managing to sound both defensive and contrite at once. “I was so wrong. I shouldn’t have run, I should’ve stayed and talked.” He leaned his head to the side. “I mean, I wouldn’t have moved into your bachelor pad, but still. I’m sorry.”

But had waited so long to hear that. For Tommy to admit that he was wrong, and he did want Buck. But it didn’t feel vindictive, like the times when Buck had been angry at Tommy for leaving. Buck was tired, and relieved, and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in Tommy’s arms.

They still had work to do, however.

“I’m sorry, too.”

Tommy frowned. “For what?” He seemed to really try to figure out what Buck could possibly be sorry for.

“Everything,” he landed on. “Jumping ahead back then instead of just talking to you. Not trying harder to learn about you. Having sex with you and then hurting you. Not calling until I needed a favor. Not checking in after the fact. Take your pick.”

“I will always come when you call,” Tommy said earnestly, taking Buck’s hands in both of his. “Even if I was mad at you a bit, it doesn’t impact how I feel for you.”

Which reminded Buck of something he’d said back then, something that needed to be rectified. “I do have feelings for you,” he said. “So many. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

He couldn’t say he hadn’t meant to say it at all because he kind of had. He’d been mad, he’d been itching for a fight. And Tommy had always seemed so solid, someone that Buck could push and push and push. Could throw bratty looks and words at, and Tommy would reassure and soothe him. As stupid as it sounded, he hadn’t thought of Tommy as someone he could hurt. Until he’d been gagging for an argument and spoke to make Tommy angry, and Tommy hadn’t pushed back as expected. Had fled instead.

And Buck had hurt Tommy. He’d seen it on his face, he’d felt it when Tommy had iced him out, he’d heard it in the I’m doing it for Chimney, before Tommy had softened again.

Tommy rubbed his thumbs over the backs of Buck’s hands. “I’m sorry for suggesting to get back together and then running. I shouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t willing to commit through the hard parts.”

“Can’t really blame you for running,” Buck said with a shrug. He wasn’t sure what he would have done, had their roles been reversed. “Did you really think I was in love with Eddie the whole time?”

Tommy blew out a breath like he had been dreading this question. “No,” he settled on, and Buck was hit in the chest with relief. “It wasn’t about romantic competition. More for your time and attention. Only it wasn’t really a competition.” For a moment, Buck thought Tommy understood that no-one compared to him, but then, he continued, “I never stood a chance.”

“What does that mean?”

“You drop everything for him, you bend over backwards for him. He was just always there, or you cut our time together short because he was lonely. It was like our relationship was haunted by him. You were trying to fix his relationship with Chris for him, but he’s a grown man, he fucked that up by himself and his life isn’t yours to fix.” Tommy was actually getting a little agitated as he talked.

Buck flashed back to their first six months. Had Eddie really been there enough for Tommy to think that? And with dread heavy in his stomach like stones, Buck realized that yes, he had. He had never known it was that much. He’d never known it bothered Tommy that much.

As if reading his thoughts, Tommy said, “I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d appreciate my opinion on that. Or listen to it.”

Honestly, yeah, Buck wouldn’t have listened back then. But in the light of new events, he was listening now, and every word Tommy spoke rang true.

Tommy dropped his eyes to their joined hands. He played with Buck’s fingers, and Buck let him, didn’t bother hiding how thrilled he was about the gentle contact. “When you brought up moving in and said all that stuff, I felt like you had some version of me built up in your head that I could never become. Everyone else always realized that they wanted something more from the world than me. I just thought that at some point, you’d realize you wanted something else.”

How many men had dropped Tommy like that, Buck wondered. How many had broken his heart to the point that Tommy would turn into a prey animal that would gnaw off its own leg to escape what it perceived as a trap? How many had destroyed Tommy’s hope and trust to the point he couldn’t believe that Buck would want him forever?

“Why didn’t you ask what I meant?” Buck inquired.

Tommy shrugged and looked up at him again. “Was scared you’d tell me I was right about feeling like I didn’t deserve you. Like you could do better. And I couldn’t take it if I had to hear it from you.”

Determined, Buck squeezed Tommy’s hands and leaned closer, forcing him to keep eye-contact. “Well, you better hear this. I can’t. And even if I could, I don’t want to.”

Wonder bloomed across Tommy’s face. “Evan?” he stammered.

“I love you,” Buck said. “I should have told you sooner. I didn’t want to be too much for you. But you’re getting it now, you asked for this.”

“I did,” Tommy agreed, voice tight and eyes shiny. “I love you.”

It wasn’t all done and over yet. They had to talk. They had to change. They couldn’t get back into this and just move along without changing a couple of important things. Buck had to be more careful with his actions and words. Tommy had to stand above his insecurities and stop expecting the worst to happen. For now, however, this was enough, and for now, Buck kissed Tommy.

They brought Buck’s things inside. It wasn’t much. Buck tried one last protest that he could find somewhere else to stay, Tommy didn’t have to help him. Which, of course, Tommy shot down immediately. He simply hefted whatever bags Buck had in his Jeep over his shoulder and walked back to the house, not waiting to see whether Buck was following.

“It doesn’t have to be permanent,” Tommy said when they had brought in the last bag. “Not yet. But I don’t want you to worry or stress out. Stay with me until you find something. No couch surfing. No sleeping in your car. You can have the guest room if you want.”

Which was generous enough as it was. But Buck decided that if they were boyfriends again, he could probably ask for something else.

“Or?” he fished.

And Tommy smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist. “Or stay with me in my room. No worries, okay? Just a place for you to get your ducks in a row.”

God, didn’t that sound so nice? A place where he didn’t have to worry. Didn’t have to walk on eggshells. Didn’t have to pretend not to see the concerned glances. Just him and his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s cat, a bed, a kitchen, warm running water and a toilet and a reliable internet connection.

Buck hugged Tommy tightly. “Thank you,” he mumbled against his shoulder.

“You can always come to me. I love you. I care about you. All I want is for you to be safe.”

Tommy’s place was his safe haven for a bit after that. At work, no-one knew anything. Not that they asked. Only Ravi inquired about Buck’s apartment hunting, even going as far as offering his couch. When Buck told him he had a temporary stay, Ravi then offered to hook him up with some of his contacts. Ravi was a landlord, Buck remembered, and perhaps he could actually help him find an apartment in his price range that wasn’t too far away from the station or Tommy’s house.

Ravi knew that Buck and Tommy were back together. The others didn’t. Which, again, it wasn’t like they asked and Buck wasn’t really willing to offer up any private information to them anymore. No need to give them any more fodder.

It was fine. Things were fine.

It’d be okay.

Chapter Text

Things were fine. Ish. Or not at all.

Buck stayed at the 118. He stayed with Tommy until he could move into his new apartment. Ravi and Tommy came by to help him move in. The apartment was nice enough, lots of light like the loft, but with actual rooms this time.

No-one knew where he lived. No-one had asked. He had a little housewarming with Ravi and Tommy. Ravi went home after dark, and Buck and Tommy christened a couple of rooms before they went to sleep.

Gerrard was still captain. Chim was going through the captain’s exam, but Buck noticed tensions at work. Eddie was apparently also throwing his hat in the ring, and without fail, when they were out in the field, people tended to look to Hen as a second-in-command, and she fit that role perfectly. Maddie was with the kids, and Buck had trouble whenever he was over because he wanted to love his nephew, and he didn’t want to be mad at Chim, but it felt like Bobby hadn’t even properly been resting before they’d named their kid. And it was hard. He didn’t want to show it. So he wasn’t around much.

Eddie acted like things were back to normal. As normal as they could be. It seemed after that first outburst before he moved to Texas, some dam had broken and he was more ready to jump down Buck’s throat for anything. Buck didn’t even try. He didn’t outright avoid Eddie, but he didn’t seek him out, and even still, it brought him Eddie’s ire.

They kept drifting apart. Once a week, Buck tried to cook lunch. Dinner. Breakfast. Whatever. Most of the time, Buck put it in the fridge for B-Shift. Only Ravi and Gerrard ate some. And sat at the damn table with Buck.

Buck kept trying to hold onto some of the closeness, but he was so tired. They were so determined to ignore Buck’s attempts. He stopped offering up information unasked, at first just to see, and later because he couldn’t find it in himself. None of them asked how he was doing. If he’d moved in. None of them asked about Tommy. Buck knew they hadn’t been in contact with him, and honestly, it pissed him off. Here Tommy was, risking his job for them again, and they couldn’t even be assed to send him a thank-you-card.

As the months went on, Buck started acting out more and more. He was pissed off. They were still looking at him like he was that little fucking shithead. And right now, he didn’t have it in him to prove them wrong. He got reckless again at work. He didn’t trust them, tended to go off by himself or with Ravi if anyone. Gerrard didn’t reprimand him. The others glared at him. Buck was sort of goading them into finally saying something.

His relationship with Tommy was the best thing right now. They did their thing, went on dates, talked more. Argued more, too. Tommy wasn’t shy about this anymore, and he started fights about Buck’s behavior at work. On the one hand, it stressed Buck out, on the other, it meant that Tommy wasn’t afraid these things could break them again.

They hadn’t argued the first six months. Tommy hadn’t let Buck see beyond the walls he’d built, and Buck hadn’t tried as hard as he could have. He’d been so busy being swept up in finally being someone’s first choice that he hadn’t thought about making that choice back.

Perhaps he still wasn’t thinking about it.

For three months, things didn’t really change. Until a very fateful Wednesday afternoon.

Buck was coming off of a shift, starting his days off. He couldn’t fucking wait to get out of the station, whistling as he made his way out of the changing room, bag slung over his shoulder. Tommy was still on shift, and Buck had plans to make dinner ready for him to come home to. Maybe to butter him up a little because they hadn’t finished their last discussion about another stunt Buck pulled at work.

His phone rang as he was still thinking about what to cook, and when he looked at the screen, he furrowed his brow. It wasn’t a number he had saved.

“Go for Buck?” he asked into the phone, accepting the call.

“Evan Buckley, right?” a male voice asked on the other side. “You’re Tommy’s boyfriend, right?”

“Y-yeah?” Buck halted in his steps in the middle of the room.

“This is Carl Schaefer,” the man introduced himself, and recognition struck. He was part of Tommy’s team, one of the aeromedics. “Listen, don’t panic.”

“That’s not helpful,” Buck retorted, feeling his heart stumble in his chest. God no.

“I know. But still, don’t panic. Tommy and Tracy were involved in a crash, but,” Carl emphasized the last word as if he could break through to Buck before he could catastrophize, “Tommy figured out what was happening, so the drop wasn’t that hard, but they’re in the hospital. Possible concussion, bruises, Tommy has a banged up shoulder. He’s at First Pres.”

Buck swallowed down the fear. The noise from the world around him had moved away when Carl told him about the crash. He hadn’t heard it from dispatch. When had it happened? “I’ll be right there,” Buck forced out.

The call dropped, and Buck unfroze, sprinting to his car. He threw his bag in the backseat, but before he could get in, someone called out his name. Looking up, he saw Chim, Hen, and Eddie walk after him with confused looks on their faces. Yeah, it wasn’t that usual for him to run out of the station like a bat out of hell.

“What’s going on, Buck?” Hen asked.

“Tommy’s in the hospital,” Buck said, hoping it would explain everything. Sure, they didn’t know they were back together, but this should make them put two and two together, right?

Chimney furrowed his brows. “Who told you?” he asked.

Buck halted in his tracks, hand going slack on his doorhandle. “What do you mean, Carl told me. He’s on the team with Tommy and Tracy.” Buck narrowed his eyes as Chim’s words actually hit him. “You knew.”

The guilty shuffle was enough. The fact that none of them met his eyes was the cherry on top.

“And you didn’t tell me!?” As if Buck could get any more pissed at them.

“We didn’t want you to freak out,” Hen said, apologetic. She was at least looking Buck in the eyes. “We didn’t think it’d be the right time for you to reconnect with Tommy.”

“Funny,” Buck bit out. “That doesn’t really seem like your choice.”

“We’re just looking out for you, Buck,” Eddie threw in.

“Well, that would be a first.” Buck didn’t allow them to retort, climbing into his car and taking off as soon as he was buckled in.

He was so angry. His grip on the steering wheel was strong enough to make his knuckles peak white. His blood felt like it was boiling.

How dare they? Even if Tommy and he weren’t together, they should have known that he cared about Tommy enough to want to know! After everything Tommy had done for them, this was what they did? Hid the fact he’d gotten hurt from the one person among them that would try to show up for him. Since they clearly weren’t planning on it.

God, what if something horrible had happened? A hurt shoulder and a concussion weren’t nothing, but they were minimal. Manageable. But what if- what if Tommy had gotten seriously hurt? Like broken something, or punctured his lungs, or bled out, what if he’d died? And his so-called friends knew it and didn’t tell him because- what, because they didn’t want to deal with the emotional outburst?

He took a deep breath. No. They hadn’t been cruel, not this time. Just overbearing. Unthinking. They didn’t know about them getting together, but they hadn’t asked. Either of them. And Buck tried to be understanding, that they had their plates full with their own stuff, but even then, they should have known that Buck would want to know no matter what.

He arrived at the hospital soon after, still feeling adrenaline rushing through his veins. Before he could rush up to the desk and ask one of the nurses for information on Tommy Kinard – and thank God they had changed their paperwork to include each other in case of emergency – a man intercepted him.

“Hey, Buck! Come on, I think they should be done soon!” he called out, grabbing Buck by the upper arm.

It was Rhys, Tracy’s boyfriend. They weren’t really that close, but Tommy and Tracy were, so by proxy, Buck had spent a lot of time with him.

“You hear anything?” Buck asked, letting Rhys pull him along.

“Just about Trace,” Rhys replied. “Concussed pretty bad. And she has this massive bruise on her thigh, but as far as we can tell, nothing is broken. She got squished against the side. I don’t know how they did it, but they got out of there with like, the bare minimum.”

“Is she awake?”

“Don’t think so. She has to stay a day or two for monitoring, and I bet Tommy’s in the same boat.” He finally let go of Buck’s arm as they reached the waiting room. “We should get more info soon.”

They sat down together. Rhys started looking through the magazines, and Buck stared into the air. He knew things were okay, Tracy and Tommy were as alright as they could be. By some stroke of luck, nothing worse had happened. And yet, Buck couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Tommy had survived a helicopter crash before. It had ended his army career, and kept him on the ground for years. Buck knew that Tommy would never give up flying again, so he pushed down the first instinct of never letting Tommy go up into the air ever again. Tommy was a good pilot. Helicopters were some of the hardest aircraft to fly, and Tommy made it look easy. Tommy belonged up there.

But God, it had only been three months since they’d gotten back together. It had only been about four months since Buck had lost Bobby, his house, his sense of family. He couldn’t survive losing Tommy on top of all of that.

Was he going to make Tommy survive him? The thought flashed through his mind and wouldn’t let him go. The way that he was acting at work, there was not a small chance he could get into something that could give him more permanent damage. He’d already survived the engine on his leg, getting caught up in a tsunami, getting struck by lightning. He'd survived countless fires and other catastrophes. At some point, he’d slip up.

Why was he acting like that, anyway? Partly because he didn’t feel like he could trust the others – outside of Ravi – to let him properly work in the field. The mask was off, they didn’t think he’d gotten past that kid he once was. He had been waiting for one of them to talk to him, to pull him aside and tell him, “This isn’t like you,” like Bobby would have done because it wasn’t, not anymore. Not like this. But they didn’t. In their heads, this was like him. In Eddie’s, he was probably doing it for attention. In Chim and Hen’s, he just never learned. Gerrard liked him taking initiative, and every praise out of his mouth felt like spiders crawling down Buck’s back.

Ravi asked him. Ravi talked to him. But Ravi was his friend outside of work, and he knew about what was going on in Buck’s life. They went out for drinks at least once every week. Ravi was learning a couple of car things from Tommy. He and Buck were exchanging recipes and cooking tricks. Things were good.

Only they weren’t. They wouldn’t be, not as long as Buck felt like he couldn’t express himself properly. He didn’t want to talk to Gerrard about these things. Chim and Hen had their own lives, and it was pretty obvious he had no room there outside of being the annoying little brother. And Eddie- Buck wasn’t sure if Eddie was his friend at all. And yes, he was a clinger, had always been one, but he had reached his limit. He didn’t want to keep holding onto this.

As he sat there next to Rhys, waiting for information on Tommy, he thought all about it, and came to a tentative conclusion. He would have to talk about it with Tommy later, but at this point, he could assume what choice Tommy wanted him to make. He was grateful Tommy had let him come to this point on his own.

When the doctor finally came in with news about Tommy, Buck was out of his chair in a flash. He forced himself to wait for the doctor to tell him that yes, all Tommy carried away from the crash were a concussion, bruises, a shoulder that he needed to ice and rest for a bit, and some cuts.

They’d gotten lucky.

Once Buck had gotten all the info, as well as instructions on how to continue Tommy’s treatment at home, he asked to see Tommy. He got the room number and was off, walking as fast as his legs could carry him without sprinting down the hallway.

He reached Tommy’s room, leaning against the doorframe from a moment in a strange, flipped moment from months ago when he’d been the one in the hospital bed and it had been his shoulder that had gotten messed up.

Tommy wasn’t surrounded by medical professionals, and he also wasn’t yelling as his arm got popped back into its socket. He was lying on his back, eyes closed. There were a couple of scratches on his face, and Buck could already see bruises spreading dark blue and purple over Tommy’s lower arms resting on top of the thin sheet covering his lower body.

Buck entered the room quietly, pulling up a chair by picking it up – not dragging the legs over the floor – and sat down by Tommy’s bedside. He took his hand, turning it so he could press his lips to Tommy’s knuckles. Tommy’s fingers twitched, and Buck watched his eyes slide open.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Tommy mumbled, eyes bright and a little cloudy, probably from the pain meds they’d given him.

“Hi,” Buck returned softly. “Got here as soon as I heard the news. Carl called me.”

Tommy blinked a couple of times. “Tracy okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, she’s okay.” Buck leaned his head to the side. “Got it a bit worse than you, I think, her side of the chopper took the brunt of it. But she’s alive, and Rhys is here.”

Tommy closed his eyes and smiled a little. “Good,” he murmured, and then again, “good.”

What Buck wanted to do was to continue their last conversation about his reckless behavior. He wanted to apologize to Tommy, to tell him he understood what was going on and why Tommy was so worried and angry, and the conclusion he had reached, but for now, Tommy had just been in a helicopter crash. He didn’t have to stay the night like Tracy, so Buck could take him home and take care of him, and they could talk later.

Sure, in their first six months, putting their talks on the backburner hadn’t ended up well for them, but they were really working on it this time. Besides, Buck would have to talk with Tommy one way or another about pretty significant life choices.

So, he let Tommy rest, sitting by his bedside to keep watch over him. He texted Ravi the news, as well as Maddie to let her know he wouldn’t be around the coming weeks because he had to take care of Tommy. Not that he was around her house much these days, anyway. With tensions at work and the absolute pain he had to hide every time someone said his nephew’s name, it was just easier to show up for an hour every couple of days and keep it down to texting and phone calls. Besides, Buck wasn’t sure how Maddie would take him going back to Tommy after she had pretty much admitted to him she thought he should be with Eddie.

Ravi replied pretty quickly, asking Buck to tell him if he needed help. Maddie also replied, telling Buck that Chimney had had his best intentions in mind, so Buck assumed that she thought he wouldn’t be around because he was mad at Chim for keeping Tommy’s status hidden. And to be fair, that wasn’t even that far off. But it was more than that, and it was telling that no-one thought to ask.

Tommy was tired, but he was okay, and he wanted to go home once he’d rested enough. Buck took care of the paperwork, and rushed down to his jeep to grab the gym bag that he kept in there. He helped Tommy get dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. The pants were a bit too long around the ankles, and a bit tight around the top, but they made it work.

They went to visit Tracy and Rhys for a moment. Tracy would have to stay a little longer, but she’d be home soon enough. Buck wasn’t sure if either Tracy or Tommy even understood the mumbling words they used to talk to each other, both of them dead-tired.

Buck drove them home. To Tommy’s home, that was. He wanted to keep checking on Tommy, and someone had to take care of Odin, too.

Tommy was quiet and pliant, allowing Buck to put him on the couch, get him both a pillow and a blanket, and deposit Odin on his chest so that Tommy wouldn’t try to read a book or reach for his phone. No screens allowed for now. Odin settled down after making biscuits on Tommy’s ribs, and Tommy just stayed like that, running his hand down Odin’s back over and over.

Buck cleaned up a little, fed Odin when it was time, and made sure that Tommy ate something as well. He stayed alert, just in case Tommy’s situation worsened, but it didn’t. Tommy rested as Buck instructed, only whining when Buck left to tidy up that he wanted him to stay.

Buck did obviously come back to stay with him, but Tommy acted like Buck had been gone for ages as he pulled him close and put his head on Buck’s collarbone. Buck held him close and thought about when the right time was to bring the conversation up.

Tommy started feeling better the next day already. He told Buck what had happened – the rotor blades had gotten stuck somehow, which made them fall, but by some miracle, they had been able to get them to move again before they’d fully dropped, softening the crash by a bit.

Buck refused to let Tommy use his phone on his own, so he joined him on a call with Tracy and Rhys – who was doing the same thing with his girlfriend. Neither Tommy nor Tracy had crashed for the first time, but it was Tracy’s first one in a helicopter. Buck listened to the two of them make macabre jokes at each other about Tracy finally having had her destined crash and how nothing could stop them now.

As Tommy sat around on the couch, lamenting that he wasn’t allowed to do anything – besides pet Odin all day – Buck tried to keep busy.

Finally, it seemed as if Tommy had had enough of Buck bustling about. He grabbed him by the wrist when Buck walked past the couch and pulled him close until Buck was forced to sit down with him. Odin blinked at him, and Buck reached out to scratch him behind the ears. Odin purred, closing his eye, and Buck finally felt himself relax a little bit.

“He’s feeling a bit neglected by you,” Tommy joked. “We both are. What’s going on, Evan? You seem nervous.”

Sometimes, it could be annoying to be read and known so well. But more than that, it was thrilling. Tommy saw him and knew him immediately. Buck picked up one of Tommy’s hands – the one not connected to his bad arm – and kissed his knuckles.

“Got-got a couple of-of, uh, things to think about,” he said, sort of evasively. He was going to discuss it with Tommy at some point, but he had to work through it first. There were other things he had to talk about. He looked up at Tommy, at his storm-blue eyes, so open and gentle. “I’m so sorry.”

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows. “What are you sorry for?”

“We-uh, we didn’t finish- ta-talking about-” He waved his free hand. “A-about my-my stunts at work.”

Eyes softening, Tommy said, “You know I’m not mad at you, right? Or disappointed. I’m just worried.”

“Y-yeah, no-yeah, I know.” Buck squeezed Tommy’s hand. “I just- I didn’t think about what it felt like for you until- until Carl called me.”

Tommy put his other hand on top of Buck’s, too. “You’re grieving,” he said. “Acting out is kind of expected.”

“It’s been months.” Which didn’t mean that Buck should be over it. He wouldn’t be over it. But after a couple of months, Buck should have considered his boyfriend a little bit more.

“Still grieving,” Tommy countered.

Buck leaned closer. “You know, you need to stop dismissing when I hurt you. Just because you understand doesn’t mean that it’s okay.” Tommy had tended to use the path of least resistance the first time around. These last three months, he’d fought with Buck, but he’d often times given in before Buck had.

“Alright. It hurt.” Tommy pursed his lips. “Sometimes I feel like-” He paused, as if looking for the right words. “It feels like you’re still putting everything else first. Like our relationship is a second thought.”

Buck frowned, but he understood why Tommy felt like that. Acting out at work, putting himself in danger, he did all of that without considering how Tommy would feel. He wanted to be seen so much by his friends to the detriment of the one person who actually did already see him. Buck never had the intention to hurt Tommy, but that sometimes wasn’t enough. He felt a bit of relief, however, that Tommy had finally put it into words. They needed to work on that, still. And on a couple other things. This, Buck could work on right now, at least.

“I’m sorry,” he reiterated. “I’ll do better.”

Tommy smiled at him, cupping his cheek. “I know. We’re working on it.”

Buck leaned down to kiss him. His thumb brushed over the side of Tommy’s head where there were still a couple of scabbed-over scratches.

Over the next following days and weeks that Tommy recovered, Buck would continue to wake up with nightmares about Tommy falling, Tommy getting hurt, Tommy dying. He told Tommy about every single one of them, and Tommy held him and comforted him every time. The one time Buck apologized – way to make Tommy’s accident about himself – Tommy told him in that no-nonsense way of his that if their roles were reversed, he’d be the same.

A little while later, Buck went back to work. He’d decided to take time off as long as Tommy wasn’t allowed to look at screens, but that time was over now, and Tommy practically shoved Buck out of the door with a couple of goodbye-kisses, promising him to take it easy.

Buck returned to work as if he never left, and for a moment, it felt like everything was as it was supposed to be and he didn’t need to question his place. Only, as the day went on, things started going downhill.

As sort of a celebration to be back, Buck made lunch. Only Ravi and Gerrard ate, as usual. Gerrard made a weird comment, half-praise, half-contempt, about Buck making a place for himself in the kitchen. It seemed even Gerrard knew not to directly insult the person who made food.

Ravi always ate when Buck cooked. He always sat down and talked a little with him. He asked about Tommy, and about Buck, and about their next bar meet-up. It made Buck feel a little lighter, but only a little. He was lost in thought. The others used to eat his cooking, used to be so excited about it, too. When Bobby was still there. Had it all been an act?

Neither Chim nor Hen asked about Buck’s absence or about Tommy. Buck wanted to be understanding, they still had their own things to deal with, but they couldn’t send one text at all? Or find a moment to ask Buck? Hen kept sending him these looks, questioning and knowing both, but she never said anything, and Buck had decided not to offer anything up anymore. If they wanted to know, they would have to ask. They never did.

Eddie- well, Eddie was the worst. Buck didn’t know why he always ended up as such. Perhaps because he was Buck’s best friend and meant a lot to him and that’s why it hurt the most. Or at least he used to be Buck’s best friend. Buck wondered if something in him had broken after the whole Kim-debacle. Something that couldn’t be repaired. But even if so, Buck was done cutting himself on the sharp edges left.

“Hey Buck,” Eddie called out to him while Buck was busy putting food in containers to be refrigerated and cleaning the dishes. He didn’t offer to help. “You know if Tommy’s out of the hospital yet?”

At first, Buck was surprised. He hadn’t expected Eddie of all people to ask about Tommy first. Then, he got a little bit excited. They used to be friends in the beginning, the three of them. Perhaps there was still hope to get back to that.

Buck was about to tell him all about Tommy, his recovery, and that they were back together, but Eddie had to open his mouth and continue talking.

“You know, I forgot all about it while I was in Texas, but I remembered he has that car lift. Think he could take a look at my car sometime? I don’t wanna have to go to a mechanic.”

It left Buck perplexed. His mouth dropped open to say something, but he couldn’t get anything out. It took two more attempts for him to finally stutter out, “I-I don’t know, haven’t- uh, I haven’t spoken to him in a bit.” Like a couple of hours. But Eddie didn’t need to know that.

Eddie sighed and flattened his mouth as if that was a huge inconvenience to him. “Well, let me know if you hear anything. He should be at home once he gets released, right? I’ll just come by, don’t worry about it.”

And off he went.

For a moment, Buck just stared after him. But then, he was gripped by an emotion he tried so hard never to let take over but had become so well known to him these past months. Anger.

Buck hated getting angry. He didn’t want to one of those guys that used their strength and their big bodies to get in someone’s face, to let his anger show outside and use it to intimidate people. He got mad, of course he did, but he hated it.

But what else could he feel when faced with this? So, Eddie had not reached out to Tommy since their break-up, which- fine, okay. He could do whatever he wanted. But he hadn’t been in contact with him, hadn’t talked with him at all, and now that he needed something, suddenly he felt as if he had the right to just drop by Tommy’s place, probably unannounced?

It seemed like a pattern. Eddie only seemed to care about people that he considered useful. Useful for taking care of his kid, taking over his lease, offering him a place to stay, dropping out of the lease without a fight, fixing his car, fixing his life.

Buck was fuming the entire rest of the day, snapping at the people around him on and off. Everyone quickly realized to give him a wide berth. He caught looks from them – confused by Hen, dismissive by Chim, and irritated by Eddie. Well, tough shit.

He couldn’t believe this. Or could he? Could he actually believe this behavior from them?

He didn’t want to feel like this, this full of rage. He didn’t want to feel like he couldn’t trust the people he’d seen as his closest friends and family for the last eight years. He didn’t want to feel like he couldn’t expect them to care or show up.

But what could he do? It’s all they’d shown him these past months since Bobby’s death.

He was almost sure now. Not quite yet, because he had to talk to Tommy first and really understand what he was trying to do. But he was already imagining what it would be like, not to walk around on eggshells and feel like he was a breath away from disappearing.

Buck went home without reconciling with Eddie. He said goodbye to Ravi with a promise to text later about a hang-out. Tommy messaged him to let him know he was cooking, waiting for Buck to come by, and that if Buck wanted to, he could pick up these muffins they both really liked from a little café not far from Tommy’s house.

While Buck had his own place, he tended to spend more time at Tommy’s. His place was bigger, and the kitchen was nicer, and ever since Odin had started letting Buck close, all bets were off. Buck loved that cat, and he loved spending time with him. Buck just liked spending time at Tommy’s place. He wished that he’d just accepted Tommy’s offer back then to stay.

He liked his apartment just fine. But he still felt most at home whenever he was with Tommy.

The weight of what had happened today felt as if it got lifted off of his shoulders as soon as he entered Tommy’s house, bag with their muffins clutched in hand and work duffel slung over his shoulder. He took his shoes off at the door, and as he turned, Odin came up to him to welcome him home.

Buck knelt down to scratch Odin behind the ears, then followed him into the house. He dropped his duffel on the couch and wandered into the kitchen where Tommy was leaning against the counter, a cup of tea in hand. Buck hid a smile. Normally, Tommy liked a beer while he cooked, but with the concussion and the meds he was still dealing with, he had to use alternatives, and for some reason, that alternative was tea for Tommy.

Tommy noticed Buck and smiled at him, putting his cup down on the island so he could pull Buck into his arms. Buck sighed, pressing his face into Tommy’s shoulder.

“Hi baby,” Tommy murmured, kissing Buck’s birthmark. “How was work?”

Buck grumbled, trying to bury himself deeper in Tommy’s embrace. Tommy chuckled a little, but the sound died off into a concerned question.

“What happened?”

Reluctantly, Buck pulled his face back so he could look at Tommy. His eyebrows were furrowed with concern, eyes soft with a gentle question.

“I don’t know if it’s worth it,” he admitted. It summed up his feelings pretty well. So many things didn’t feel worth it – trying to cook for the station, trying with Eddie, trying his best, trying to stay.

Tommy kissed his forehead. Such a simple gesture, but it made Buck’s shoulders fall, all the weight dropping immediately. “Let’s eat first,” he suggested. “Then you can tell me everything.”

It was a thing they’d agreed on – never have an argument or a discussion or even just a vent session on an empty stomach. Some old wisdom from Tommy’s Italian grandmother, something about making irrational decisions when you were hungry. Considering the whole thing the morning after their hookup ended before they had breakfast, Buck did understand her reasoning.

As such, they always made time to eat first.

Seated as they always were, with Buck at the head and Tommy at the corner to his right, they ate in silence. They didn’t always do that when a serious conversation was going to follow. Sometimes, they talked about their day or about plans for the week or Odin or the neighbors. They just pushed the actual topic to the back. This time, however, Buck welcomed the quiet. It helped him sort through his thoughts.

Another rule they had was that whenever they ate before a discussion, they would do so slowly. No getting things over with, no rushing anything. It was another wisdom from Tommy’s grandmother, that food was something to be enjoyed. Buck thought that her and Bobby would have probably gotten along well. She’d been Catholic, as well, Tommy had said, so Buck wondered whether they’d ended up in the same place, whether Bobby and Tommy’s grandma had met each other there.

A comforting thought, even if a little painful, like every time Buck had to think about the fact that Bobby was dead.

“Where’s your head at, Evan?” Tommy asked, finally breaking the silence between them.

“What?” Buck asked, his voice rough.

Tommy reached out and wiped a thumb under Buck’s eye. It came away wet, and Buck reached up himself to wipe at his left cheek. He hadn’t really noticed he’d started crying. He’d felt the burning sensation in his eyes and nose and throat, but he felt that a lot during the day at work and pushed it down every time.

Not around Tommy, though. Not at home.

“Thinking about Bobby,” Buck said with a soft sniffle.

Tommy nodded, sliding his hand down to the side of Buck’s neck. He let it rest there for a moment, a gentle, warm weight grounding Buck, before he slipped away. Buck held onto his hand before he could take it back, though, pushing his fingers into the spaces between Tommy’s.

“What about Bobby?” Tommy asked.

“Food,” Buck replied. “And whether your grandmother and him would have gotten along.”

That pulled a soft laugh out of Tommy. “I think Nonna would have loved him. She loved any man who was willing to learn how to cook.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. She was real proud when I came to learn from her. Real proud of her ancestry, too. If it had been more common back then, I’m sure she wouldn’t have taken the Kinard surname.” He leaned his head to the side, as if in thought. “She would have liked Athena, I think. And that would have been the only thing to keep her from flirting.”

“What?” Buck asked, half-intrigued, half-shocked.

Tommy shrugged. “My grandfather died early on deployment. She was left with four kids on her own. She wasn’t really looking for a new husband, but she liked having fun.”

Buck snorted. “Sounds like something I used to say.”

Tommy turned soft, blue eyes back to Buck. “She would have loved you,” he said. “I know it. Hers is the only opinion that would have mattered to me.”

“R-really?” Buck was getting choked up again.

“Would have hit me over the head with her kitchen towel when I broke up with you.”

Buck laughed at that, tears forgotten, and Tommy smiled back at him. Buck squeezed his hand.

“Thank you.” So simple a phrase. It didn’t feel like enough to show his true gratitude, but Tommy’s smile brightened, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening.

“Anytime.”

Once they were done with dinner, they started their conversation on the couch. Buck told him about his day, and also about how his friends hadn’t told him about Tommy’s crash despite knowing about it, and he quickly grew agitated enough that Tommy led him out to the garage, put him in boxing gloves, and held onto the punching bag for Buck to throw out his frustrations while talking.

It took a bit for Buck to get into a groove. He liked boxing just fine sometimes, he did spar with Tommy every now and then, but it wasn’t really his go-to thing. But as his brain followed the metronome-steady beat of his fists hitting the bag, it became easier to talk, something finally shaking loose inside of him.

“I’m just so sick of never pinging their radar,” Buck ground out after getting his frustrations about Hen, Chim, and even Maddie out. “No questions, not about me, not about you. It’s like it doesn’t matter to them if it’s not of use.”

Another hit, the sound loud and clear in the garage, and Tommy praised him for his form. Some of the angry fire left Buck at that, a smile pulling on his mouth, but it came back with a vengeance as he recounted what else had happened that day.

“But they’re angels compared to fucking Eddie!” A quick successions of hits followed. “I can’t believe I let him call me selfish. I know I can be selfish, but he acts like he’s some saint. It’s like he never cared about me or you or anyone! Just about what we could do for him. All he knows is that you were in a crash and he asks me if he can bring his fucking car around! You could be laid up in a coma, and he cares about not paying an actual mechanic to get it fixed.”

“Relax your jaw,” was all Tommy said. He didn’t comment on what Buck said, was just there to listen and help him out, and Buck was grateful for that. He did relax his jaw, opening and closing it a couple of times.

“Fuck him,” Buck growled. “I’ve done so fucking much for him, and what does he do? Yell at me, get mad at me for being- being upset my best friend is leaving, that- that Bobby is dead? And I still fixed his stupid problem for him! That was my house, we had a contract, but as soon as it’s convenient for him again, he comes back and demands it back! And he’ll argue that he never asked for it back, but he knew I’d leave, he knew I’d do that for him! He expected it!”

“Go on,” Tommy encouraged him.

“It’s. Not. Fair!” Buck emphasized each word with another punch, each growing in power and speed.

He paused for a moment, fist still connected to the bag, and leaned his forehead against it as well, taking a couple of deep breaths.

Tommy leaned around the bag. There was nothing to truly read on his face. He was allowing Buck to let it all out, no judgment, nothing to influence him. Still panting slightly, Buck dropped his hand and looked Tommy in the eyes.

“None of this is fair. I’m trying and they don’t care. They treat me like a child, I won’t ever be anything else to them.” He sighed. “They won’t give me the room I need to grow, but they won’t let me take it on my own, either. I just-” He paused, closing his eyes for a moment. “I want it to be over.”

“What to be over?” Tommy asked gently, placing a hand on Buck’s lower arm.

“I want to leave,” Buck finally spoke out the words he’d kept quiet since Chim had essentially made him take back the transfer. “Chim was wrong. It’s really just a number, and that’s all it should have ever been.”

He didn’t mean that, not entirely. The 118 was so important to him, had been, and would perhaps be forever. It had shaped him. But it was a workplace. It wasn’t a family, not the way Buck had thought. Or perhaps it was, and he wasn’t part of it. There was no room for him there without Bobby making that room for him.

“I need things to change.”

With his grip on Buck’s arm, Tommy pulled him closer and Buck followed readily, letting himself be wrapped up in Tommy’s arms. He was a bit sweaty and he felt the sudden hit of bone-deep exhaustion. He hooked his arms around Tommy’s shoulders, digging his face into his neck.

He was so- he didn’t even know how to put it into words. And from one moment to the next, he let out a dry sob he hadn’t even known he’d kept in, and tears soon followed, soaking Tommy’s shirt. But he didn’t stop them, and Tommy didn’t either, just put a hand on the back of Buck’s head and held him there until Buck had cried himself out.

Even once his tears had subsided, he kept his face nestled in the space between Tommy’s throat and shoulder, and Tommy didn’t force him to look up. He still spoke to him, though.

“How’re you feeling now?” Tommy asked, voice low.

“Tired,” Buck retorted. “But in a good way.”

Tommy huffed out a soft laugh. “Yeah, sometimes you just need to punch your feelings out and have a good cry. Take it from someone who’s there all the time – bottling it up never helps.”

Buck finally lifted his head a little bit, managing a half-smile. “Do as you say, not as you do?” he joked.

“I’m working on it,” Tommy said with a laugh. “You know I’m still a work in progress.”

So was Buck. And he would never make any of said progress if he didn’t have the right environment around him to grow. He was sure of it, now more than ever.

“I’m going to re-submit my request,” he said, voice steady despite the roughness still present from crying. “I’m going to transfer out of the 118. I need to do this.”

Tommy ran his hands up and down Buck’s back with a nice, deep pressure. “I’m proud of you,” he murmured. “I know it’s not easy. And probably scary. But I’ll be with you, no matter what happens.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Tommy barely managed to finish speaking before Buck had already pulled him down to kiss him. He had planned it to be a soft, chaste kiss, but it quickly turned into something deep and long, something that could tell Tommy everything that Buck was feeling without words.

They stood there for a while, until Buck’s need to take a shower finally won out. He convinced Tommy to join him, however.

-----------------------------------------

The same day that Buck submitted his transfer request again – and he sure hoped the Fire Chief wasn’t fully done with his antics – Maddie and Chim invited everyone over to finally properly meet their son. They’d decided to take it slow to introduce him to new people, as well as give time to Jee to get used to being a big sister now.

Buck didn’t really want to go. These past couple of months, things between him and Chim hadn’t been great, and he also hadn’t talked to Maddie much. Things were weird, most of the time.

But she called to invite him, and he decided that it was probably for the best. He had to talk to her, after all. He fished for information on who else was coming, and learned it was the core 118 and their families for the most part.

“I’m bringing two more people,” Buck announced when he realized that, of course, Tommy wasn’t part of it – because no-one knew – and neither was Ravi. And like hell was Buck going to spend his day at a get-together where he didn’t feel like he could connect with anyone.

Maddie sounded a little confused when she said, “Everyone’s already here,” and Buck had to bite his tongue to not say, “Not everyone.”

Tommy had grown past not wanting to intrude where he didn’t feel welcome. Sort of. He’d told Buck that he used to feel like he’d only ever be on the outskirts, and he didn’t have the courage to take his own step forward, too afraid of rejection. And couldn’t Buck relate to that? But these days, Tommy didn’t care about their rejection much.

After Buck had told him about his plan to actually transfer, Tommy had let slip a comment about having wanted a family for so long, only to now realize that he wasn’t missing out on much in the 118. And yes, perhaps he wasn’t.  But whether he was or not wasn’t really the important thing. It was more that Tommy wasn’t afraid to intrude anymore, and if it was only for Buck’s sake.

Ravi hesitated for only a moment, but Buck told him that everyone else would be there and it’d be weird if Ravi wasn’t.

After that, there was no doubt anymore. Buck wasn’t showing up on his own. He and Tommy would come by and pick Ravi up and get to Maddie’s together. And Tommy promised him that if things got to be too much, he was ready to fake whatever emergency needed to get them out of there.

When the day came, it was Maddie who opened the door, her greeting almost dying on her tongue when she saw who was flanking Buck left and right, with Tommy’s fingers tangled with his. Her eyes lingered on that for a moment, and she couldn’t school her face quite fast enough.

“Hi, Buck-” She barely stumbled over her words despite everything. “Aaaand Ravi and Tommy! Come- come in.”

Buck met her eyes, not quite glaring at her, but daring her to do or say anything. She didn’t, simply turned and walked them into the house.

Everyone else was already there, Hen and Karen, Eddie, Athena, the kids. The kids were bustling about while everyone else was seated, Chimney standing with them, Jee-Yun clinging to his ankle.

When Buck, Tommy, and Ravi entered, the others turned, but their greetings turned awkward when they realized who was with Buck. Some eyes flickered to Tommy’s hand still holding onto his, and Buck watched the glances they shared.

“Oh,” Chim said, being the first to break the short, awkward silence. “Hi, Tommy. Ravi.”

Tommy looked at them, and his mouth did that thing, that quirk when he wasn’t quite smiling, not quite sneering. But it wasn’t friendly.

“You look better. Recovered well?” Tommy asked. God, he was such a bitch. Buck loved him so much.

The air around them turned frigid. That simple question explained it all – that Tommy was fucking pissed over risking his job to save the 118 again, and not even being told if everyone was okay. Sure, he was a pallbearer at the funeral, but that had been something organized by Athena. Buck counted himself among the culprits since he had also sort of waved off Tommy’s concerns, but he’d gotten better.

There were a couple more awkward greetings, and Buck could feel Eddie glare at him from the spot on his couch, and for once, Buck glared right back which seemed to pull Eddie up short. He knew he was bringing negative tension in the house by bringing two people who had not been invited despite being important to the group, and he could have probably warned everyone, but Buck was out of fucks to give. His days at the 118 were numbered, anyway.

Ravi and Tommy made for a corner, already continuing their conversation from the car, but as Buck wanted to join them, Maddie called for him to help her with something.

He sighed, and Tommy squeezed his hand, a question in his eyes. He’d come with him if Buck asked him to, or he’d but a barrier between him and Maddie if necessary, but Buck would have to talk to Maddie sometime. Better now.

So, he squeezed Tommy’s hand back and nodded at him before letting go, following Maddie out of the room.

She led him into the house, closing the door behind them of what turned out to be her bedroom. They were far away enough that no-one could listen in. Buck looked at her expectantly.

“So,” she said, swinging her arms in a faux-casual manner. “You and Tommy are back together?”

“Yeah,” Buck said, readying himself for what was to come. “Almost four months now.”

“You sure that’s a smart idea?” she asked, immediately getting to the point. “Remember what I said about needing the right reasons to get back together?”

Technically, she hadn’t said that. She’d only said that feeling lonely wasn’t the right reason to get back together with someone, but that wasn’t what had happened here. Besides, just a moment later, Maddie thought he should call Eddie when they’d been talking about Tommy.

“It’s working well and I’m happy with him,” Buck said, hoping that perhaps that would be enough for Maddie, but it clearly wasn’t by the way she pursed her lips.

“He left you before,” she said. “He broke your heart.”

And Buck appreciated the protectiveness, at least a little bit. But it was wholly unnecessary, especially considering Tommy was one of the few people who knew what was going on in his life right now. He wondered, suddenly, if Maddie had even noticed that she didn’t know anything at all.

“What, like no-one else has?” he retorted. “I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, because it did, but hey, I hurt him, too. Pretty badly. And he’s working on it for me, which is more than I can say about most others.”

Maddie halted in whatever she had planned to say, instead asking, “What do you mean?”

“What I said. No-one else is doing what he’s doing. He’s insecure and tends to catastrophize, but so do I, and we’re really talking about things now. I love that man, Maddie, and I know you don’t like him but I don’t care.”

“I don’t dislike him,” Maddie protested.

“Yeah, but you also don’t like him.” He wasn’t letting her out of this. He’d brushed the comments off after the break-up about finding someone new, the universe sending him someone, and then the whole thing about having feelings for Eddie.

“I just-” She seemed to be having trouble putting her thoughts into words.

“Do you want me to be dating a woman instead?” Buck asked, going straight for the kill. It was a thing he feared, that Maddie’s easy acceptance had been a ruse and she actually hated that side of him, wished he was straight or at least with a woman so she could pretend.

“No! I don’t care about that, I never did.” She rushed forward, grabbing his hands. “No, Evan, that isn’t it, not at all.”

Buck let out a breath of relief. “Y-you said some- some stuff that-uh, that made me think like you didn’t- like me being bisexual.”

She looked mortified. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to! I- I’ll do better with that, I promise.”

Buck nodded, but he wasn’t ready to let her off the hook yet. “So then what’s your problem with Tommy?”

“I-” She shrugged. “I just thought that it’d be Eddie at some point. Or I hoped. You know, you’ve known each other for years, he knows you and your ups and downs and he stuck through it the whole time. He’s there for you, he’s part of your life. I felt like you’d be less likely to get hurt with him.”

What a laughable concept. Once upon a time, Eddie had meant so much to Buck. But things were bad between them, and his brain speedran the greatest hits of the times that Eddie had neither been there for Buck nor part of his life.

“He told me I’m exhausting when I sued the department,” Buck said. “He was mad at me for fighting for my job. He never apologized for it. And you know what, Tommy would have stood by me.” And he couldn’t know that, was perhaps completely wrong, but it didn’t feel like he was. In his heart, he truly felt that Tommy would have supported him. Or at the very least not shunned him.

Maddie’s brows furrowed. “You never said anything.”

Buck shrugged. “Nobody made a big deal out of it, so I didn’t either. Water under the bridge. Only Eddie apparently still thinks that, so I don’t know why he keeps me around.”

“What?” Maddie looked confused. Incredulous, even. And sure, Buck had had months to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t fond of Eddie at the moment, but for Maddie who didn’t know what was going on it must have been quite the whiplash.

“You know, he re-enlisted and left his wife and child alone in a house with his parents whom he knew hated her. Instead of going to therapy, he joined an illegal fight ring and almost killed a man. He cheated on his girlfriend with the doppelganger of his dead wife. He basically dropped me for two weeks in favor of Tommy, only to drop Tommy immediately when it became inconvenient for him. Why would you want that for me?”

Not to say that Tommy was a saint. Bitchy and sarcastic and mean and closed off as he was. And yet, there was no comparing the two.

Once his last sentence fell, Maddie’s eyes narrowed. She’d caught something, Buck realized as he watched her eyes widen. She gripped his hands tighter.

“Did he hurt you?” she asked, voice serious and tight.

Buck bit the inside of his bottom lip, debating with himself if he should actually tell her. But whether he lied or not, she already knew, anyway. “Not physically,” he finally admitted, and then, “B-but I-I think- I think he wanted to.”

He told her about the kitchen, about the time he’d been so sure that Eddie was about to hit him. And that Eddie had probably been sure he was about to hit Buck, too. How they hadn’t talked about it, and Eddie had acted like everything was back to normal.

“Oh, Evan,” Maddie said, sounding devastated as she pulled him into a hug. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize. I should have asked.”

“You didn’t know.”

“I should have noticed.”

He shook his head. “I want you to take your time, I want you to take care of yourself. I didn’t want to add on everything.”

“I’m your sister,” she insisted. “God, I’ve really been out of the loop. Four months back with Tommy?”

“Almost, but yeah,” Buck confirmed. “He’s been keeping me sane, you know. I don’t know where I’d be right now without him.”

Maddie sighed. “I owe him an apology.”

“I don’t think he sees it that way,” Buck conceded. “But I’d appreciate it.”

“Then I will.” She let go of Buck, but stayed close. “Howie doesn’t know, right?”

“None of them do. I didn’t feel like offering up information no-one seemed to care about. They’re all in their own bubble.” He made a decision, then. “They won’t have to care about me for much longer. I’m leaving the 118.”

Maddie’s mouth opened in shock. “Howie said you rescinded your request.”

“It’s a new one.” He sighed. “I can’t keep doing this. I feel like- I don’t feel good there anymore. I just wanna leave.”

She listened as he went through the bullet points of why he wanted to leave, and then she hugged him again, fiercely and tightly.

“They won’t hear it from me,” she promised him. “I want you to be happy, Evan. If that’s at another house, that’s fine.”

Buck nodded, grateful he didn’t have to explain further. But as she moved as if to go to the door and open it, he stopped her. If he was airing out all of his dirty laundry, might as well go all the way and put everything out in the open.

“One last thing,” he said. “I hate your son’s name.”

“Wha-” She looked startled.

“You saddled that poor kid with an awful name, first of all. A-and I understand it’s about honoring Bobby and that Athena likes it, but I hate it, it hurts every time.” The words broke out of him easily now that he’d started. “A-and I was going to name my kid after him, and I know that nobody owns a name, but still, and I-I barely understood what was going on when the baby was born and suddenly-”

“I hate his name, too,” Maddie interrupted his rambling, her words hushed like a secret. “But Howie wanted it so badly, and it was the first thing he was sort of happy about, so I let him. And I thought I’d be honoring the man that saved my husband, but there’s a reason I never wanted to name him Daniel.”

Buck couldn’t help the soft laugh that left him. It wasn’t particularly humorous. “I don’t call him by his name,” he pointed out. “And I don’t want to end up like Mom and Dad where I look at him and see someone who isn’t there anymore, but I feel like that’s what’s happening here.”

Maddie reached for his wrist and squeezed it. “Don’t worry, that won’t happen. I’ll help you. I don’t want my baby to go through what our parents put you through.”

Buck wasn’t sure how she wanted to do that, but he was going to accept any help he could get, so he nodded, pulled her into another one-armed side-hug, and then let her open the door so they could rejoin the group.

As soon as they entered the room, Tommy’s eyes were on Buck, checking him over for any signs of distress. Buck smiled at him and left Maddie to get over there, walking right into Tommy’s side as he raised his arm in offering. It settled around Buck’s shoulder as a comforting weight.

“You okay?” Tommy asked softly.

Buck nodded. “Gonna be.”

And he was okay, especially when he found out how Maddie planned to help him – later, when Maddie held her son and said, “Everybody, meet Bertie.”

There was only a short moment of Chimney muttering, “Bertie?” but a dull thump stopped him from saying anything, and if his wince was anything to go by, Maddie had stomped on his foot a little.

And for the first time since his nephew was born, Buck was able to hold him in his arms, look down at him with a smile, and say, “Hi, Bertie. Uncle Buck loves you.”

-----------------------------------------

In the wake of that, Buck and Maddie bridged the gap that had been building between them. For the rest of the get-together, Maddie had made sure that Buck wasn’t in direct line of sight of Eddie, sometimes bodily putting herself between them. She took a moment to talk with Tommy, and while neither of them would tell him about what they had talked about, it seemed to have been productive.

They talked, they texted. Buck and Tommy came by sometimes to help out with the kids. Sometimes, they just offered to babysit so Maddie could have an afternoon to herself, or she could go out with Chim. Which wasn’t as easy, considering Chim was spending a lot of time focusing on his exams. He seemed to be struggling, but Buck didn’t really want to ask him in fear of Chim reacting negatively to it. Besides, Buck was out of the 118 soon, asking about it could really backfire on him.

Just as promised, Maddie kept her mouth shut about the transfer. Considering she’d been in contact with many different houses as a dispatcher, she did tell him her opinions on some of the houses – mostly those she thought sounded unpleasant, and Buck appreciated the heads-up for some of them. He knew a couple she mentioned, and he knew he wouldn’t be happy there.

As it turned out, it wasn’t really something he had to worry about, because Tommy, man of connections and knowing a guy, said that he had an idea of where Buck could request to transfer.

One sunny late morning on an off-day they both shared, Tommy drove Buck down to a café a little bit out of the way from both their homes and their stations.

“What are we doing here?” Buck asked as Tommy parked his truck. He knew Tommy was having him meet with a different station’s captain, but he didn’t know why it was so far out.

“Well, I didn’t want to risk running into anyone we know and revealing your transfer too soon,” Tommy reasoned. “And this place is kind of the half-way point between his and my stations, we meet up here sometimes. Their coffee is pretty good, you’ll like it.”

“What about their pastries?” Buck teased, knowing Tommy’s sweet-tooth well.

Tommy tilted his head in contemplation as he opened the door for Buck, leaning in conspiratorially to say, “Not as good as yours.”

Which might have just been Tommy buttering him up, but Buck preened under the praise anyway. While baking had been his distraction from his heartbreak over Tommy, these days, it was just a hobby of his, and there was something special about Tommy getting to experience and loving the things Buck baked with him in mind.

Tommy put a gentle hand on the small of Buck’s back to led him past some of the booths until they reached the one in the far end. A broad-shouldered man with a slight stubble and pale blue eyes was already sitting there. He looked broody, the line of his brows dark, but when he noticed the two of them closing in, he smiled and stood up to greet them.

He pulled Tommy into a hug, clapping him on the back. “Hey, man,” he said. “Been a while.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed. “How are the girls?”

“Good, good. Kids growing every day. And Gina’s finally on vacation after that big case.”

“Glad to hear it.” Then, Tommy turned to Buck and pulled him closer with an arm around his waist. “Evan, this is my buddy Sal Deluca. He’s captain down at the 122. Sal, this is Evan Buckley.”

Sal reached out a hand and Buck shook it. “Heard a lot about you, Buckley. From before and from this guy,” he pointed a thumb at Tommy, “and lemme tell you, I’m glad you both got your shit together.”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “You two sit down. I’m gonna get our drinks.”

“Don’t spit in mine, you know that turns me on,” Sal said in a full deadpan, and Buck could definitely see why he and Tommy were friends.

“Your dying wish, Deluca,” was all Tommy said. He gave Buck a kiss on the cheek and squeezed his shoulder, smiling at him encouragingly, then he left them.

Sal sat back down, and Buck followed his example, sliding into the booth to sit opposite of him. He took Sal in for a moment. He knew he was Tommy’s work buddy from the 118 before he was transferred to the 122 by Bobby. Tommy told him how they’d fallen out of contact for a moment before Tommy transferred as well, and they rekindled their friendship then.

“My condolences about Nash,” Sal started. “Him and I didn’t see eye to eye when I was at the station, but he was a good man.”

“Thank you,” Buck said. Somehow, it was special to him to hear it from someone he knew hadn’t really liked Bobby.

“So, Tommy tells me you’re looking for a transfer?” Back to business, it seemed.

“Uh, yeah,” Buck confirmed. “I just- I need a change. Things aren’t working out for me at the 118 anymore.”

“Hm.” Sal nodded slowly like he was contemplating something. “Pretty sure you were the firefighter who sued the department for his job, right?”

Buck felt his cheeks heat up and he dropped his eyes, stuttering out a couple of words, but he was interrupted by Sal laughing. It didn’t sound like a cruel laugh, more something genuinely amused. Buck looked back up, a little confused by the reaction.

“Don’t worry about it, kid,” Sal said with a grin. “If it means anything, I think many of us would have done the same. And it was a wrongful termination, considering you won, right?”

“Got a settlement,” Buck mumbled.

“Which means you would have won for more,” Sal reasoned, unbothered. “You went about it in not the best way, but that’s not what’s important here. I bring it up because it is a little surprising to see the guy who went in front of a court to get his spot at the 118 back leave it voluntarily now.”

Buck shrugged. “Yeah, well, times change, right?” He rubbed his hands together. “With Bobby gone, it feels like I have to fight for my place again. And it feels like the others are either unwilling to help me or even unwilling to give me that place in the first place.”

Sal nodded. “You shouldn’t have to fight for that. It sucks.” It sounded like he was speaking from experience.

“Did you? Have to fight?”

“Kinda,” Sal said. “When Gerrard was kicked out, I was hoping I’d make captain. I had the creds. But- Hen called us the island of misfit toys for retiring brass, and she wasn’t wrong. Most of the captains we got had already checked out, so I tried to step up. And when Nash came, it felt like I had to fight him, keep to my own ways since none of the other captains had stuck around for us. I was wrong about him.”

Buck nodded slowly. He knew it took strength to admit that. Tommy had told him Sal had mellowed out a lot, had been angry and defensive and reactive. The man in front of Buck seemed calm, professional.

Sal continued, “When I got to the 122, I was furious. But I had to put that behind me. The station was a mess. Their captain couldn’t give less of a shit about them, and I had to fight for our entire place, not just mine. He benched and punished them because he felt like it. He wasn’t as bad as Gerrard, but he wasn’t good either. He just had a good reputation.” He folded his hands. “I made captain at that station because I wanted it, but also because I was what they needed. I wasn’t for the 118.”

Not for the 118. That thought was like getting struck by lightning all over again. A couple of months ago, this idea would have been unthinkable. But now? Who was to say that Buck wasn’t meant to find his place elsewhere? Who was to say he wouldn’t grow and thrive somewhere else? Perhaps he could even be better somewhere else.

“And you’re looking for a new team member?” Buck asked.

“One of my guys is retiring at the end of the month,” Sal confirmed. “He deserves it. But it leaves a spot open. And I’m looking for a couple younger ones, your age. Some of my other people are getting up there in age, and I need my core team to be ready for whatever. Tommy suggested we see whether we get along and try it out. If it doesn’t work, there’s a bunch of stations that would love to have you.”

“Can I even request a specific station?” Buck wondered now.

“We can set something in motion.”

They continued to talk a little bit. Sal told him more about the 122 and his team, and Buck told him about some of the rescues he’d done.

Tommy finally came back with their drinks and a couple of pastries, balancing it all easily. There was a grin on his face, not quite shit-eating but almost. Buck assumed he’d wasted time on purpose to give them some space alone to talk.

“Here you go, sweetheart,” Tommy said quietly, putting a cup down in front of Buck with a kiss to his cheek.

Buck took a sip, sighing contentedly. Tommy knew exactly how he liked his coffee. It was perfect every time. He watched as Tommy slid another cup over to Sal, keeping the third one to himself.

“And where’s my kiss?” Sal asked.

“Fuck off if you don’t want your ankles broken, Sal,” Tommy said, taking a sip from his coffee.

Buck threw him a scandalized look. “You told him about that?” he asked.

Tommy laughed, wrapping an arm around Buck’s waist. “He’s my best friend, of course I told him about the time this cute guy wanted to spend time with me so badly he knocked his best friend over for it.”

“You should have heard it,” Sal told Buck. “He was way too excited about that.”

“You were?” Buck asked, delight taking place in his chest.

Sal rolled his eyes with a huff. “Kid, you got yourself the most insane man you could have picked, just so you know.”

That didn’t surprise Buck much. He’d already known that Tommy was just a little or perhaps a lot off his rocker. He had to be, to fly into a hurricane on a hunch, to engage the army at breakneck speeds because Buck asked him to.

Buck reached over to take Tommy’s hand. Tommy switched his coffee cup into his left hand so Buck could do so, smiling at him gently. Sal didn’t even roll his eyes at them, Buck noticed. He looked- happy, Buck guessed, looking at the two of them.

“Listen, I know I said it like a joke,” Sal said to Buck, “but I really am glad you two got past everything. Don’t think I’ve ever seen this guy happier than with you.”

“We have our ups and downs,” Buck said. “But it’s all worth it.”

Sal laughed. “Don’t I know it. Man, the things Gina and I went through.”

“Oh yeah,” Tommy agreed with a grin. “I had both of them sleep in my guest room countless times. Before the kids, anyway.”

The rest of their conversation turned into Tommy and Sal giving Buck the greatest hits of their friendship. They were close, very close, and had seemingly fought tooth and nail to get their relationship to survive both of their habits to close off and hide behind sarcasm.

Sal told Buck about his three daughters, showing pictures of their dance competitions and debate club things, glowing with pride. Their oldest was Gemma at eleven, then Isabella at seven – who absolutely adored Tommy – and finally, Valeria at four.

Buck almost forgot the whole reason for the meeting until Sal almost off-handedly thanked Tommy for giving him the opportunity to talk to the firefighter that all captains would have fought for.

“What?” Buck asked, having to take a moment to realize that Sal was talking about him.

With slightly narrowed eyes, Sal seemed to stare right through Buck. “If anyone else knew you were on the market right now, the LAFD would turn into a bloodbath,” he revealed. “You’re a hell of a firefighter, Buckley. Your reputation is more than the kid who sued the department. You have great skill, great potential. Anyone would want someone like you on their team. Or just you.”

Tommy looked at Buck with pride shining bright in his eyes. Buck felt his cheeks heat up at the praise. He hadn’t ever thought of it like that. He was just doing his job. He’d been a lot of trouble to Bobby, and to his team. He’d never thought that other captains would see him in a positive light.

“My team is solid,” Sal said now. “But I would always love more firefighters that have a lot of promise.” He grinned, nodding over to Tommy. “Pity this asshole is locked in for pilot for life.”

“Hm?” Buck looked at Tommy with interest.

“You think any old pilot can do what he did? You should look at his track record. Goes far beyond hurricanes and army chases. You’re looking at the best pilot the LAFD has ever seen.”

And yeah, Buck had thought that before, but to a certain degree, he’d thought that was just him getting mixed up in his attraction to Tommy. Obviously he was the best pilot. He was the most incredible man Buck had ever met, after all.

“I knew it,” he said, unable to do anything against the dreamy sigh he let out.

“And that’s my cue,” Sal said, downing the rest of his coffee and cramming one of the last pastries in his mouth.

They stood up to bid Sal goodbye.

“You know,” Buck said to Tommy as he stepped back from hugging Sal, “you could have told me who we were meeting.”

“I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to sneak you a job through my contacts,” Tommy retorted. “I thought you’d get along, and I was right. If you do transfer to the 122, I didn’t want you to think that you were only getting the spot because he’s my best friend.”

“Any station would be glad to have you, Buckley,” Sal reiterated.

“Buck,” he corrected as he shook Sal’s hand again. “If you’re gonna be my captain.”

“I sure hope so. But take your time. Think about it, you can tell me when you’re ready. And if you decide the 122 isn’t for you, or the 118 does another 180, that’s fine.”

It calmed nerves Buck hadn’t even truly felt. He had time. Maybe things would change.

Sal said his goodbyes, and Buck and Tommy sat back down to finish the pastries and talk a little, turning Buck’s sort-of-job-interview into a nice little date at the tail end.

“He seems nice,” Buck said, meaning Sal.

Tommy made a sound like a laugh and a scoff. “He’s the biggest asshole I know. Best friend I’ve ever had.”

Buck asked Tommy a little bit more about their past, and the way Sal had changed over the years. He was no Bobby, obviously, but he seemed like a good man and a solid captain. Perhaps a change of pace would be good. Chim wasn’t captain yet but Buck felt like he would be trying to embody Bobby, and Buck wasn’t sure if that would be the right thing for anybody.

“You have a foot in the door now,” Tommy said. “You can do whatever you think is right. You still have a bit of time.”

-----------------------------------------

One last time. That’s what Buck decided. He’d give it one last try. He didn’t have anything to lose. He’d probably go on Chief Simpson’s last nerve if he pulled his transfer request again, but that was a sacrifice he was willing to make if it was worth it.

He started the shift with determination. He talked with the others. He asked them how they were doing, how it was going at home, how the kids were. They dodged it. Gave him some half-assed answers, even Chim when Buck asked him about something specific that Maddie had texted him. None of them returned the questions.

Buck didn’t give up immediately, he made several attempts, but none of them broke through whatever weird thing had settled between him and the people he once considered family, so after a couple of tries, he left them to it, seeking out Ravi to ask him about the close conversation Buck had seen him share with May at Maddie’s. He proceeded to tease Ravi about it, wishing him good luck with Athena, which made Ravi hit him in the shoulder a couple of times.

“In all honesty,” he’d said after deflecting the punches, “you should ask her out. I feel like there’s a good chance she’ll say yes.”

He did his part on their calls. He listened, he did what he was told, he followed instructions from Hen and Chim. There were still comments about his need to be a hero when he, on orders, climbed out of a third story window with a little girl over his shoulder. He was sure-footed and steady and calm during the whole thing, and for the first time, he thought that perhaps Sal had been onto something.

Things came to a head when Buck announced to the whole group that he’d be cooking and he’d be taking requests. Eddie, Hen, and Chim looked over their shoulders at them, but nothing came from them. Ravi, however, took the opportunity immediately. They’d had him over for dinner recently, and Tommy and Buck had made another one of nonna’s recipes – a risotto dish that had been in the family for generations. Ravi had loved it, and while Tommy wasn’t going to give him the recipe, Buck was more than willing to make it for him.

That itself wasn’t really the issue. The issue came when Buck had finished cooking, announcing it to the rest lounging on the couch. Ravi was texting, and Eddie, Chim, and Hen were quietly talking. Gerrard was actually out that day, and their interim was in his office, not bothering to spend much time with them.

Ravi basically jumped up, rushing to the kitchen as if he had to fight for the food. He didn’t need to, since no-one else was getting up.

“We ordered in,” Hen said, throwing a glance back over her shoulder that looked a little apologetic, but Buck had enough.

“Should be arriving soon, actually,” Chim murmured, looking as if he was about to get up to check.

“Well, isn’t that just great for you,” Buck bit out, throwing his kitchen towel over his shoulder.

Ravi froze where he stood next to the stove, having already filled a plate with the risotto and taken a bite. He looked a little wide-eyed, but when Buck sent him a subtle nod, he continued eating. He looked alert, however, like he was getting ready to intervene if needed.

Eddie, Chim, and Hen traded unsure glances with each other. Buck rarely sounded like this. But he was channeling every last bit of Tommy he could, every bit of sarcasm and that mean streak he had when he was really pissed, crossing his arms over his chest in a mirror of his boyfriend.

“Why didn’t you ask us if we wanted something?” he asked, gesturing between him and Ravi.

“You said you were cooking,” Hen said carefully.

Buck interrupted with a put-upon laugh. “Oh, you noticed? It’s almost like I told you that I was going to do it! And since no-one told me not to, I made enough for us all.” His faux-cheerful expression dropped. “Never mind the work I put into it, all of that food is going to go to waste.”

“We just didn’t want Bobby’s recipes, okay?” Chimney threw in. “It’s gonna be a while until we do.”

“None of what I cooked since his death was his recipe. Neither is this. Besides,” Buck said, continuing slowly to make them understand, “I asked for requests. You know, that thing where you tell me what you want.”

Buck dug his fingers into the meat of his own upper arms. He clenched his jaw, feeling the tightness between his brows as they furrowed. God, he was furious. And damn, did it feel good to let them have it. He understood why Tommy tended to cope with sarcastic quips.

“Oh, get off your high horse,” Eddie demanded.

“Actually, I won’t,” Buck threw back. “You knew I was going to cook, and you decided to order in. Instead of telling the rest of us and suggesting that hey, maybe I leave the cooking for another day, you just didn’t care to inform me you wouldn’t be eating. There was enough time, you just didn’t want to do it. All it took was a simple no thank you, or, I don’t know, we don’t want you to cook! But it’s only ever, oh, we already ate, oh, we ordered in, oh, we brought something from home! How am I supposed to understand what you want if you won’t tell me?”

They wouldn’t look at him. They all looked cowed, but there was nothing coming from them. Not an apology. Not an excuse. Not even an accusation of taking it too far.

Buck scoffed, shaking his head. “I have enough of this.”

He left the kitchen area, throwing Ravi an apologetic glance. He didn’t want him to feel weird, or worse, feel like he had to choose between Buck and the others. But he really needed to have it out, and he felt lighter with each step he took up to the roof.

Up there, he fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed the number he’d been given at the end of the little coffee outing.

“Deluca?” came the answer after the third ring.

“Hey, uh- hi, Captain Deluca. It’s Buck.”

A laugh crackled through. “Told you to call me Sal, kid,” he said amusedly.

“Well, I thought I’d start calling you by the right title. Considering you’ll be my captain soon. Hopefully.”

“Really?” Sal asked, both surprise and excitement bright in his voice. “I mean, welcome aboard, Buck! We’ll bring it to the Chief as soon as possible.”

“Thank you, Cap,” Buck said, feeling even lighter than he had a moment ago.

“No, thank you, Firefighter Buckley,” Sal retorted. “Trust me, we’ll make sure you’ll feel welcomed at the 122.”

Which was already more than he felt at the 118. They discussed a little bit more before Sal had to hang up, but the next steps were clear in front of Buck. He’d be okay, he was sure.

He texted Tommy next to let him know of the development, that he’d be aiming for the 122 with his transfer. Tommy sent him back a little, encouraging thing, making Buck promise to tell him all about it later when they met up for dinner.

Buck felt like a different man when he left the roof. Perhaps, he would finally get the opportunity to be one. Nobody paid him much mind except for Ravi. The others had clearly decided he needed time to cool off, probably writing it off as one of his moods. Ravi was worried, but accepted it when Buck told him he was okay and would tell him about what was going on later.

The next days flew by quickly. Buck went home that day to change and grab a couple of things before he was off to Tommy’s, telling him throughout cooking dinner about what had happened that day. Tommy gave him some encouraging words and then helped him take his mind off of things.

He met with the Fire Chief, discussing the first transfer request, and the second one. After that talk, it was official for Buck – he was moving on from the 118 and would start at the 122 at the end of the month around the same time that John Ferris was retiring.

He had a talk with Gerrard. Buck kept it professional, even though everything in him burned to give that man a piece of mind for what he’d done to Tommy, now that he didn’t have to be scared of getting fired. But he didn’t.

With the way Gerrard looked at Buck and sighed, “You’re making me lose a good man,” one could almost believe he was just a regular, grumpy old man. But Buck remembered, he remembered the way Tommy had clamped up when faced with this man, he remembered the condescending tone and the movement of Gerrard’s hands and the insinuation. Buck took his letter of recommendation, he gave a couple of polite replies, and then he was out of the office.

He told Ravi over drinks, swallowing down the nervosity and simply saying, “I wanted to tell you beforehand. I’m transferring to another station in two weeks.”

Ravi looked surprised. “But Chim said-”

“I know what he said. But I can’t do this. It’s all about being a family, but I’ve been trying to hold onto it on my own. This only exists on their terms, not on mine. And I need more than that. I need a place where they will talk to me like an adult. And they won’t do that here.”

Buck curled his fingers to keep from tapping them as he watched Ravi take that in. Then, Ravi gave him a smile, something that was tinged with a bit of sadness.

“You know, I didn’t think that’s what would happen when you forbade me from quitting,” he said.

“You’re an amazing firefighter,” Buck retorted. “You need to be one. No matter at which station, you would always be great.”

“Thank you,” Ravi said honestly. “We haven’t really gotten off on the right foot most of the time, but I will miss you.”

Buck was a little surprised by both the easy acceptance and the sentiment. “Really?” he asked.

“Of course I will. You’re my friend.” Ravi tapped the side of his beer bottle. “We better continue our bar nights, though.”

“Hell yeah.”

They continued to have a nice evening. And Buck knew, realistically, that it wouldn’t go over this smoothly with the others, but they said hope died last. In the end, he decided not to tell them beforehand. He didn’t want the discussion.

Until the day finally arrived. It was a normal day. He went to work. He parked in his usual spot. He did his stuff. He didn’t cook, but he did bring some leftovers and shared them with Ravi. When the others were distracted, he cleaned out his locker, and Ravi helped him bring it to his Jeep.

Nobody suspected a thing. They acted like everything was normal. Well, normal-ish. Ever since Buck had lost his cool over the risotto, the others tended to be a bit more careful about what they said around him. To Buck, it felt like they didn’t want to deal with him anymore. At least they were making it easier on him.

It was only at the end of the shift when Gerrard called them all together that Buck realized the jig was up. Time to face the music. Now he regretted not telling the others earlier. He was angry with them, sure, but they did deserve to hear it from him. They did deserve him not sneaking around them. But what was done was done, and Buck could at least escape the fallout as quickly as possible since in about one minute, he wouldn’t be working at the 118 anymore.

Gerrard started his speech with, “As most of you probably know, today was the last shift we shared with Firefighter Buckley.”

Buck could practically feel all eyes shoot to him, but he stubbornly kept his eyes forward on Gerrard, hands behind his back. Gerrard said a couple of words about appreciating Buck’s skill in the field and regretting seeing him go, but the words passed through Buck. They would mean the world coming from Bobby. But Bobby couldn’t give him words of pride or support anymore, and no substitute would do.

Buck did shake Gerrard’s hand at the end of his speech, trying to keep the professional air about him. He thanked Gerrard for their work together and didn’t watch him disappear to his office. He knew he was about to hear it, so he tried to steel his nerves.

He was only able to take two breaths once they heard the office door close and watched their other coworkers disperse with words of encouragements and claps on Buck’s shoulder before Hen, Chim, and Eddie were on Buck.

“You’re leaving?” Chimney demanded. “After everything?”

Buck’s tongue flicked out to wet his bottom lip before he turned to face them. “This doesn’t have to be personal,” he said, hoping against all odds that they would understand. “This is a professional decision. I don’t think I can do my best work here anymore.”

“Oh, don’t you?” Chim bit out.

“I stayed, too,” Eddie said now, shoulders hard and face thunderous. He looked like back then in the kitchen, as if Buck’s choice had personally offended him. As if Eddie was genuinely mad that he’d chosen to stay and Buck hadn’t done the same.

As if that was Buck’s fault. As if it hadn’t been Eddie’s own choice to reject the job offer from Texas in favor of following Chimney’s rousing speech. It was sort of sad that to Buck, it seemed in character for Eddie to seek to blame Buck for his own decisions.

“That’s your problem,” he said, finally losing his ability to keep his cool around his former best friend. “You made that choice, I didn’t.” He didn’t stop there. Eddie wanted to get into it? They could. And this time, Buck would be first. “You always do that, you always make choices that affect others, get angry when it affects others, and get angry when people don’t bend over backwards to accommodate. I don’t have to run my decisions by you, so don’t flatter yourself.”

Eddie took a step back, wide-eyed. Buck felt a sneer pull up his lip, a sudden fury cracking like lightning through his veins. Don’t like it as much when I fight back, do you, he thought spitefully.

“Buck, I get that you’re sad about Bobby,” Chimney said now, clearly trying to keep calm. “We’re all sad about Bobby! But we’re sticking together. We don’t just leave. Family doesn’t do that.”

“Some family we are,” Buck scoffed. “You guys are doing your whole sticking-together-thing. Pretty tight. And there isn’t any room left for me.”

“What are you talking about?” Hen asked. She had kept her distance a bit, wasn’t as willing to get up in his face with it.

“Only that I’ve tried my best to do what Bobby asked of me and take care of you, and in return, I get made fun of, berated, ignored. Do any of you even care that I was homeless?”

Two pairs of eyes flew to Eddie who in turn threw a betrayed look at Buck. And Buck? He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning. Tough shit, Diaz, Tommy would say.

“I didn’t ask you!” Eddie sputtered.

“Maybe you didn’t. But we both know you knew I would leave, so you didn’t even have anything else lined up when you came back. Just dragged your son from Texas without a plan for a place to stay for him. You just expected me to dip and leave the house to you again. And you’re damn lucky that I’m not like you and didn’t leave my friend and his son stranded here.”

“Wow, Eddie,” Hen mumbled.

“Yeah,” Buck agreed. “But none of you have really thought about it, have you? Did anyone of you ever wonder where I went?”

“Our lives don’t revolve around you!” Eddie protested, which was rich, coming from him.

“No. I know, not everything is about me.” He looked Eddie right in the eyes as he said it. “But that doesn’t mean nothing is. This is about me, me losing my home and my dad and my family is about me!” He took a step forward, not quite getting into Eddie’s face like Eddie had done to him, but more so he could lower his voice. He didn’t want the whole firehouse to hear. “You complained to me how hard it was to get the phone call, that you had to tell Chris. You’re his father! I was the first one who realized Bobby was dying, and did anyone ask me what that felt like? I had to tell Athena!”

Chimney got between them, putting a hand on Buck’s chest. “Okay, so there seems to be some stuff between you and Eddie, but that’s not a reason to leave the 118.”

“It’s one of many reasons,” Buck retorted, pushing Chimney’s hand off of his chest. “You don’t want to let me leave, but if I stay here, who can guarantee me that you won’t keep treating me like a little kid?”

“We haven’t!” came the protest, but it was weak.

Buck wished the desire to keep him at the house came from them actually appreciating him and his skill, and not just from some weird possessiveness, from some belief that they had to stick together in Bobby’s honor. He bit down on every animal instinct to cling and hold on, to yell and beg, to ask him to please give him a reason to stay, please see him, accept him, after all these years, to tell him those nepo baby accusations disguised as jokes were wrong and he hadn’t just become a part of the 118 because of Bobby.

He bit and swallowed it all down. He knew he wouldn’t get the answers he wanted.

His stuff was already in the Jeep. He didn’t have to get anything else. So, he pushed past the three of them and made his way to the exit.

Chimney’s voice sounded behind him. “You walk through that door and that’s it, Buck, you hear me?” he called out, his words hard and unyielding. “You can’t come back! You think we’ll hold your spot open?”

Buck halted in his steps, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath through the mouth, then let it out through the nose. Three times. He didn’t turn around to face them, but he did look over his shoulder so he could speak to them for perhaps the last time.

“I’m not counting on it,” he said. “And neither should you.”

Eddie and Chimney talked over each other in anger. Hen, however, caught Buck’s eyes. There was genuine anguish on her face, but she gave him a weak, sad smile and a nod. It wasn’t much. And honestly, it was probably too little. But it was more than the other two had given him – his supposed best friend and his own brother-in-law – so Buck took it and nodded back.

“Thank you for the opportunity,” he said, setting the nails to shut this coffin. “I’m grateful for what I learned here.”

And with that, he continued walking, ignoring whatever was happening behind him. He stepped through the doors and out into the sunshine, shedding the heavy, dark weight of the 118 and everything it had become since they’d put Bobby in the ground.

Every step he took towards his Jeep felt lighter, partly because he realized someone was leaning against the side. Buck felt a grin overtake his face and he sped up to cross the last distance between them, practically launching himself into Tommy’s arms.

“How did you get here?” he asked, voice muffled in Tommy’s throat.

“Took the public transport, walked,” Tommy told him. “I just wanted to be here. Are you alright?”

Buck leaned back so he could kiss Tommy. It was a small and chaste thing, something mostly appropriate for the parking lot of their former workplace.

“I’ll be okay,” Buck said once he leaned back. “It wasn’t easy. Eddie and Chim are angry, really angry, I think. Hen seems to understand.”

Tommy nodded. “Yeah, she always had a good head on her shoulders.” He ran soothing hands up and down Buck’s back. “But that doesn’t matter now. Whether they’re angry or hurt or whatever. It’s done and they can make from it what they will.”

Buck nodded, leaning in for one more kiss before they separated to climb into his Jeep. He didn’t spend more time to throw another glance at the firehouse, instead pulling out of the parking lot as quickly as he could.

Tommy’s hand found its way to his thigh. Buck looked down, taking one of his hands off of the steering wheel to place it on top of Tommy’s.

“I’m so proud of you,” Tommy said now. “I know it wasn’t easy. But you stuck through it, didn’t back down. I know you’ll find your place, whether that’s at the 122 or not.”

Buck smiled. “Thank you for sticking with me.”

“Anytime,” Tommy said, like a vow. “You can count on me anytime.”

Chapter Text

The first shift at the 122, Sal stayed true to his promise to make Buck feel welcome. Everybody seemed so excited to meet Buck, flocking around him to hear first-hand about some of the things he’d done – they asked about the tsunami where he helped people despite having just gone through the explosion, they asked about his time fighting fires in Texas, they asked about the bridge collapse where Buck and Ravi saved their whole team.

And they asked about him, about what he liked to do, about his home, about his family, and about Tommy. They knew Tommy at the 122 because of Sal, and they liked him, and by proxy, they had heard about Evan the boyfriend as well as Buck the firefighter.

On the first call Buck went on with his new team, he got to work together with John – the man he’d be replacing – by harnessing up and lowering down from the roof of a high-rise so they could grab a mother and her two toddlers. The kids had crawled out from the balcony and onto a platform left behind by a window washer. The mother had tried to reach for them and fallen off of her balcony as well, but luckily, the platform had caught her.

They got all three of them off of it safely. Buck followed every instruction, gave his own suggestions, and nobody questioned whether he was able to do his job. There was no jab about his risk-taking, no eyerolls.

And sure, perhaps the grass always looked greener on the other side, and sure, there would probably be problems that would arise sometime in the future – there always were. But the difference Buck felt was egregious, and when they returned from the rescue, he felt good. Just plain and simply good.

In the downtime, he got to know his new team.

There was his Cap, obviously, Salvatore Deluca, the biggest asshole Tommy knew and his best friend. A family man, father of three, loving husband. Someone who was once full of fire and rage who had turned into a confident, caring captain.

There was John Ferris, a kind-faced man with gray hair, who had two kids and five grandkids, having been with his wife since they were thirteen. He was one of the OGs, Sal said, one of the members of the 122 that had already been there when Sal got transferred. John had never had the desire to become captain, happy with what he had, and he had been one of Sal’s greatest supporters when he started stepping up.

“It’s sad to see him go,” Sal said. “I’ve been working closely with him for years. But he deserves to spend his retirement with his family. And I know you’ll do great.”

Then there was Aspen-Rose Fell, and yes, her parents had given her that name. She asked to be called Rose. She was around Buck’s age and had been part of the team for about two years when she traded spots from B-Shift with someone else. She was fun, Buck thought immediately. She had short, tight black curls and a nose ring. She’d be Buck’s partner in the field, and she reminded Buck a little bit of Ravi. She wore a bandana around her head whenever they weren’t on a call, and every day for a whole month, she had one with a different color before she had to repeat any. She was bisexual like Buck, had sworn off dating for now, and had serious opinions on music, vowing to educate Buck in the future.

Finally, there was the paramedic team. Claire Adkins, a woman around Sal’s age who had been an army medic, and then a nurse, and then an army medic again until she finally found her way to the LAFD and the 122. She had bright ginger hair kept short, and despite spending a lot of years in the middle of wars, she was soft-spoken and gentle. Every word she spoke was worth listening to, Buck found. She was married to a man named George, a mechanic, and had two sons, both of whom followed in her footsteps of moving to the medical field. David was a physical therapist, and Freddie was taking steps to become a pediatrician.

To round off the team, there was Marco Romero, the youngest between all of them. He was 29, had been with the 122 for three years, and reminded Buck, of all people, of Taylor. He had honey-brown eyes, but there was a sharpness to them, an awareness, like someone who would find the tiniest detail no matter what. Marco was not only the youngest on the team, but also the youngest of seven kids, four of them brothers. He was sort of the baby in his family, so he really tried to come across as mature at work to be taken seriously. Buck could relate to that. It took a couple of days for Marco to open up to Buck and show more of his jokester side.

Buck would need some more time to really find his footing, but all things considered, he already felt they were readily accepting him. Cap watched him out in the field, seemingly taking note of what he did, what ideas he brought to the table, and how he executed the things he was ordered to do.

The first day he offered to cook, everyone’s eyes were excitedly on him, watching him from the table. Every now and then, one of them would get up and look over his shoulder. Sometimes, they asked if they could help him, and he put them on fetch-duty to bring him something from the fridge, or asked them to watch and stir the pot so he could do something else in peace.

Buck felt like his ears would forever be a couple of degrees hotter than the rest of his body after all of the praise they showered him in once he was done and they were ready to eat.

They weren’t a family, Buck realized quickly. They were close, they were friendly, maybe even friends, but there weren’t the same bonds as Buck had seen at the 118. And yet, perhaps that was exactly what Buck had needed in the wake of this.

Especially considering how things were with the people he considered family these days. There had been no contact at all, and whenever Buck was over at Maddie’s, Chim made himself scarce. If they did happen to cross paths, the air between them was frigid.

It did hurt Buck a little bit – a lot – but he took it in, he allowed himself to mourn, and he put one foot in front of the other. This wouldn’t be like back then with the lawsuit. He had a station this time, a job, and people who supported him. He had Maddie and Ravi, he had Tommy. He would be okay.

Buck spent a lot of time over at Tommy’s place. They both knew that sooner or later, Buck would be moving into the house, but they were still dancing around it. They wanted to take it slower this time. Well, maybe not slower, but think things through more. They still had to deal with things, still had to work past their respective knee-jerk reactions. But the most important part was that they wanted to make it work. Buck did, Tommy did, and they both brought forth their most. It was one of the things that made Buck realize that he needed that same work from his old friends if he was to rebuild something with them.

Having Tommy’s unwavering support was a wonderful thing. Tommy let Buck do his thing and offered his thoughts and advice when asked, but he kept himself back. He let him make his own choices.

Like about three weeks after Buck had started at the 122, he got a text. From Eddie of all people.

When Buck got the notification, he wasn’t sure what to feel. On the one hand, he was worried something bad had happened. On the other, he felt the hope rise that it was Eddie reaching out to talk, to deal with everything that had happened.

He was a little afraid of actually opening the text to see what Eddie had texted him. Perhaps he was cursing him out. Perhaps he had thought Buck was bluffing and was only now realizing that that wasn’t the case. Perhaps he was telling Buck to lose his number.

But when Buck came to Tommy and asked him if he was going to open the text for him, Tommy only gave him a tender look and kissed his temple.

“I can’t do this for you,” he reasoned. “I can just sit here with you and keep you company. But this is something you have to do. If you want to open it, do it. If not, leave it.”

He made it sound so easy. It wasn’t. But Tommy was back in therapy, and it seemed he was doing exceptionally well. He internalized the advice his therapist gave him, and Buck wished it was as effortless for him. It probably wasn’t effortless for Tommy, but it seemed like it in comparison to Buck.

“Alright,” Buck said, setting his shoulders. “Okay. Stay with me?”

Tommy nodded. They were sat next to each other on the couch, and Tommy leaned back a little so he could wrap his arm around Buck’s shoulder.

Buck leaned into his side a little bit, soaking up his warmth and his quiet strength, and unlocked his phone, opening his text app. His thumb hovered over the thread he had with Eddie, hesitating for a moment. But he would have to look at some point, so better do it now than later.

There were barely enough words to describe the disappointment that settled heavily in Buck’s stomach as he read Eddie’s message.

Nothing about meeting up, nothing about talking things though, about reconnecting, about being sorry. Nothing about Eddie realizing what Buck had done for him all along, bailing him out again and again for nothing in return. Hell, not even an accusation of making things about himself or leaving Eddie hanging.

No, all the message said was, Hey man, I met someone, are you free to babysit Chris on Friday?

He didn’t acknowledge the last words they’d shared at all. He didn’t acknowledge them essentially freezing each other out. Buck hadn’t texted Eddie, Eddie hadn’t texted Buck. Until now. And it seemed like he was trying his old Eddie-Diaz-routine of not talking about anything and just throwing Chris at any problem he had.

“Shameless,” Buck muttered to himself.

Eddie clearly wasn’t willing to deal with what was going on. He was simply hoping that Buck had gotten over it or pushed it all down like he usually did. Well, the camel’s back was long broken and there was no coming back from that.

Shaking his head, Buck replied with a short, sorry, I have plans already. It wasn’t even true, but he was about to have plans. He was going to take his boyfriend out, he wasn’t going to think about Eddie, and Eddie could find someone else to babysit so he could get some.

Tommy squeezed his shoulder soothingly. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“I’m not sure what I expected,” Buck said, putting his phone face down on the coffee table.

“You expected your best friend to listen to you and fight for your friendship,” Tommy said. “That’s normal. I don’t know what I would have done if Sal hadn’t met me in the middle back then.”

“He’s not my best friend,” Buck denied, almost like a reflex.

And he wasn’t. Hadn’t been in such a long time. No, Ravi was Buck’s best friend. And more than that, Buck was Ravi’s best friend, too. Buck wasn’t sure he’d ever truly been Eddie’s best friend. Go-to babysitter, guy who helped him out because Eddie could never face things head on. How many of his problems had Buck fixed for him? Only for Eddie to call him selfish in the end.

Eddie wasn’t Buck’s best friend. He deserved better than that.

“No, he isn’t,” Tommy conceded. “But it’s okay to be disappointed in that.”

“I know. But I don’t want to be. You know he’s just going to be mad at me again and think I’m being overdramatic. He doesn’t consider my point of view, he never does. But I’m the one who makes everything about myself.”

Tommy pulled him in, wrapping his arms tightly around Buck’s middle. “You can try talking with him at some point,” he suggested. “If you really want to. Or you can just let him stew.”

Buck nodded. Part of him wanted to write Eddie right now and force him to really face what had been going on between them, but he knew that wouldn’t end well. So, for now, he leaned back into Tommy and tried to keep his mind off of it.

That endeavor was cut short, however, by Tommy getting a call. From Chimney, who seemed to be using the same strategy as Eddie of just sweeping everything under the rug. The whole thing had such a suspicious timing that Buck felt like perhaps, it had been coordinated.

From what Tommy told him, Chimney called Tommy, getting to the point quickly in asking him whether he was free to give a tour of Harbor and a demonstration in a helicopter for the kids. Which kids, he didn’t specify.

Unfortunately for him, Tommy said, “Sorry, Howie,” sounding like he really meant that, “but I’m not free these coming weeks. You’re better off asking Cap or Lucy.”

Tommy hung up soon after that. Buck would have to ask Maddie about that later. But both him and Tommy agreed that it probably wasn’t a coincidence that these two had contacted them both in less than an hour. Buck banished the thought from his mind. If Eddie or Chimney wanted to talk, they could do so. They could tell him they would like a conversation, and Buck would come. He didn’t want some under-the-table bullshit secrecy like this. Besides, he had more important things to do.

Go to work. Hang out with Ravi. Hang out with Maddie. Kiss his boyfriend. Pet his boyfriend’s cat. Oh, his schedule was just so full. And honestly, Buck was having a great time. He wasn’t willing to put an end to that just yet.

Work was good. Sure, it wasn’t the easiest thing to get used to a new team, to find his way into the tightly-woven connections between his coworkers. This was how Ravi must have felt, and God, did Buck owe him another apology. He’d really given the poor guy hell.

He counted himself lucky that nobody on his new team had a thing for hazing the new guy. They didn’t even jokingly call him probie or anything.

Buck went out on almost every call with them. He worked closely with Rose and John to learn their tricks, and every now and then, Sal would call Buck to his side to watch him closely.

Right now, Buck was with Rose, masked up and doing a final sweep through the burning husk of what was once the home of a six-headed family consisting of two parents, three kids, and one grandfather. Said grandfather was still missing.

But no matter how many times they called out, they couldn’t find him. Rose and Buck had to return without him, coming out of the fire with soot covering their turnouts.

“Nothing?” Sal asked when they came closer.

Rose took off her mask first. “Nothing at all.” She let out a deep breath. “I’m not sure we can do anything else, Cap.”

Buck, holding his mask in his hand, looking over at the family sitting with Claire and Marco. One of the kids, a little boy clutching a fire engine stuffie – and wasn’t that just awful – started crying harder. He must have heard what Rose had said.

Buck watched Sal’s face, watched him contemplate in real time. He had to call it at one point – do another sweep, or accept that they wouldn’t find the man? Buck knew they couldn’t save anyone, but he still hated it when they couldn’t, when it left families torn apart.

But then, the cries of the young boy pierced through his worries. There was something about a chair and a room, that “peepaw” was always there and they had to check again. It made Buck perk up.

“Hey, John!” he called out to where he sat by the engine. When John looked up, he continued, “Do you have the plans to the house?”

“Yeah, hold on,” John reached behind himself. “Here, there you go.”

Buck grabbed them, eyes flying over them. Then, he rushed over to the family, kneeling down by the young boy with the fire engine.

“Hi, buddy,” he said quietly.

Sniffling, the kid looked up at him, his eyes wide with awe and sorrow. “Hi,” he mumbled.

“You like fire engines?” Buck asked him, nodding to the boy’s stuffie.

“Yeah,” came the timid reply.

“That’s cool. Listen, I’m trying to find your grandpa, but I think I’m going to need your help. Think you can do it?”

The boy nodded immediately, leaning forward. “I can help!” he said. “I’ll help!”

“That’s great. You said your grandpa has a room he likes?” Buck showed him the plan. “Can you maybe tell me where it is?”

Nodding his head, the boy wiped his tears away. “Peepaw has his special room,” he said. “He was a firefighter like you! He said we’d be safe in there. He allows me there, but only if he’s with me. He reads me stories.”

“Don’t tell me you think he’s in there!” the woman, clearly the boy’s mother, interrupted. “We told him a hundred times it’s not safe, he’ll suffocate in there!”

“But not as fast as he’d suffocate in a fire,” Buck murmured. “He has a reinforced room? Where is it?”

The boy was faster than his mother, pointing out a small room in the basement. Buck looked to the mother.

“Is there a way for us to get into the basement from the outside?” he asked.

“Y-yeah,” she stuttered. “There’s a staircase in the back, through the garden. Uh, here,” she pointed to the piece of paper still clutched in Buck’s hand.

“Thank you,” he got out, then stood up while turning on his heel, yelling, “Cap!” as soon as he was upright. “Cap!”

“Buck?” It was Rose who answered. “What do you got?”

“I think I know where he is,” he said, coming to a halt next to her and Sal. “Kid says he was a firefighter. He has some sort of fireproof room down in the basement, I think we can still reach him before the place comes down.”

Sal looked down at the plans in Buck’s hand, then at the house, then at Buck. For a moment, Buck feared that Sal would tell him he should leave it alone, but then, a determined expression took over his face and he nodded, clapping Buck on the shoulder.

“Lead the way, Buckley. We’re right behind you.”

Buck waited barely long enough for Sal to announce through the radio that they were going in one last time and then mask up before he was already around the house and by the staircase that had been pointed out to him. Mask firmly in place, he checked in with Rose and Sal before he led them downstairs, kicking the simple wooden door to make it fling back and open.

He continued into the basement, walking with quick and sure steps to where the room the boy had shown to him. Sal took over then, giving a nod to Buck. He slammed his gloved fist against the metal door they encountered, once they realized it was probably locked from the inside.

“Mr. Andrews!” Sal called out. “Can you hear us?”

For a moment, Buck feared that he’d been wrong and he wasn’t in there, that he was somewhere else in the house after all. Then, he feared that it was even worse and Mr. Andrews was actually in there, but the heat had reached through the door and it was already too hot to touch.

But then, there was a bang from the other side of the door. Rose and Buck froze up for a moment, moving closer, but Sal moved an arm out to keep them back. There was the sound of mechanisms being turned, like extra locks, until finally, the heavy metal door moved.

It revealed an elderly man, covered in ash, coughing a little. “I knew it,” he rasped, taking the three of them in. “You found me.”

Buck was the first one who replied as he moved to pull one of Mr. Andrew’s arms over his shoulder. “Your grandson helped us. The one with the fire engine.”

Mr. Andrews smiled. “Joey. That’s a good kid.”

Rose slotted in on the other side, and Sal brought up the rear. They carried Mr. Andrews up the stairs, and Sal radioed for Marco to get a gurney ready. From there, it was quick work. The paramedics took their patient from Buck and Rose, and Buck stood back as he watched them wheel him away.

He heard the joyous cry of, “Peepaw!” and the voice of Joey’s mother gasp, “Oh God, dad!”

It was Rose who got him out of his thoughts by grabbing both of his shoulders from behind and shaking him excitedly.

“Hot damn, Buckley!” she said, a grin audible in her voice.

“How did you know to ask about the room?” John asked, appearing on his other side.

“I heard Joey say something about his grandfather’s room, and that he’d be in there. I thought it was worth a shot.”

“Damn, got lucky that you heard that,” John mused.

“Nah, that’s nothing to do with luck,” Sal retorted, appearing out of the crowd again. There was a smile on his face, something fiercely proud. “You know when to listen. You know how to. You’ve got skill. I’m damn glad we’ve got you on the team.”

The praise burned hot and cold through Buck. He felt pride, and sorrow at the same time. What he would give to hear those words from Bobby one last time. But these words from his new captain meant the world to him, to know he was valued and his team listened to him without question burrowed warm and content in his chest like Odin in a ray of sunlight.

They brought the victims to the hospital, seeing them off at the glass doors. Then, they returned to the station, and Buck let himself drop and relax in the excited chatter of his team around him. When he looked up, he saw that Sal was watching him again, and when he noticed Buck was looking at him, Sal gave him a nod and a smile.

Later, he got a text from Tommy. Sal had told him about Buck’s work, and he immediately had to let him know how proud he was of him. Buck wished he could talk to him face to face about what had happened, but he had to make do with facetiming Tommy when they both had a free minute.

It took a whole week until their shifts overlapped again. As soon as that happened, Buck was at Tommy’s doorstep with his duffel over his shoulder, more than ready to spend their 48 off together. It seemed that Tommy felt the same way, since he opened the door so quickly that he almost slammed it into the wall behind it.

Buck’s laughter was muffled by the kiss that Tommy pulled him into. His duffel dropped to the ground, and he wrapped his arms around Tommy’s neck, bringing him closer. He would have been content to stand here in the doorway for a while, but he also didn’t want to give Tommy’s neighbors too much of a show, so at some point, he disentangled himself and at least made it past the threshold and out of his shoes before he let himself be swept up again.

There was something special in the way Tommy hummed against his mouth, mumbling, “I missed you.”

They finally ended up on the couch, leaning heavily into each other. Odin had spread himself out across their legs, his own front paws wrapped around Buck’s wrist so he could give his hand a thorough wash. Buck just watched him, and when he looked at Tommy, he saw he was trying not to laugh.

“Does Odin think I’m his baby?” Buck asked.

“Nah, I just think he doesn’t like all the smells on you,” Tommy said. He scratched Odin behind the ears, continuing with a teasing, “Possessive little freak likes it when everything smells like him.”

Soon enough, Tommy asked Buck to tell him about the Andrews house rescue. And Buck did, feeling Tommy’s eyes on him the whole time. Whenever Buck looked at him, he saw that gentle expression on his face, that kind light in those blue eyes.

Once he was done, Tommy picked up Buck’s free hand – the one not still held hostage by Odin, even though he’d stopped licking it. Tommy kissed Buck’s knuckles, one after the other.

“So? Do you think joining the 122 was a good choice?” he asked.

Buck nodded with no hesitation. “I think it’s the best choice I’ve made in a while.” But then, he thought better of it, looking at Tommy through his lashes with a soft grin. “Well, maybe not in a while.”

Tommy pulled him into a deep kiss, giving him a tease of tongue before he pulled back. “I love you,” he breathed. Then, something a bit more serious took over his face. “You scare the shit out of me, Evan, do you know that?”

He had mentioned that before, back when they had gotten back together. That he was scared of the size of his feelings for Buck, scared what that would allow Buck to do to him. But before Buck could shrink back, Tommy continued his thoughts.

"I didn’t think I was- worthy of this sort of thing. Of this kindness, and this joy and peace.” He sighed. “You know I always had to fight for a scrap of love.”

Buck did know. Tommy had told him. About his mother disappearing when he was ten and never turning up again, of the coldness of his uncle, aunt, and cousins. Of the violence and the smell of alcohol from his father. How his nonna was an escape until she died when he was fifteen. And then the army, and the 118, and everything else.

“I don’t feel like I have to fight for yours. And that scares me, that you’ll just give it to me. I will fight for it, though. I want you to know I don’t take it for granted.”

“I know,” Buck said, gripping Tommy’s hand tightly. “I never felt like that with you.”

“I’m glad.” Tommy took a deeper breath. “I don’t want to keep running. I think with you, it’d be really nice to put roots down.”

Buck could almost tell what Tommy was going to say, and he bit his lip in anticipation. He was taken back to a night months ago, almost a year, back when he hadn’t expected a different outcome. He wasn’t expecting a different outcome here, either. But this time, it was different.

“I would love it if you moved in with me.”

“Hell yes,” Buck said. When he’d realized what Tommy was going to ask him, a part of him had wanted to pause and make Tommy wait for a moment, but when the words actually came, there was nothing Buck could or would have done to stop himself.

He almost launched himself forward, careful not to squish Odin between them, cupping Tommy’s face in his hands and kissing him. He refused to let Tommy go until Tommy’s smile was too bright and his laugh interrupted Buck’s attempts to pull him closer.

“I love you,” Tommy murmured, pressing kiss after kiss against Buck’s cheek and temple. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He would never grow tired of hearing it. Or saying it back, which he did, until his words dissolved into soft giggles muffled by kiss after kiss.

So much for taking it slow. But to be fair, taking it slow didn’t mean they had to take it slower than they did last time. It meant they had to be conscious of what they did. They’d both been too willing to be compliant when they’d dated the first time around, going with the flow like Buck, enjoying it while it lasted like Tommy.

It was different this time. They were nearing their second six month anniversary, anyway. This time, they were both ready.

Buck was itching to tell Maddie and Ravi. And for the first time, his thoughts didn’t go to telling Eddie. Or Hen or Chim for that matter. He wanted to tell Bobby, he always did. He wished that Bobby could have seen him. But other than that, Buck wanted to tell his team. They were interested in his life, and he was sure they would be happy for him if he told him that he was moving in with Tommy.

For now, however, he did none of those things. When Odin was over almost getting squashed between them, he wiggled his way out and onto the top of the back of the couch, allowing Buck and Tommy to spread out lengthwise across, Buck half on top of Tommy with their arms wrapped tightly around each other.

“We’ll have to figure out what to replace here,” Buck said. “And what to get rid of.”

“Sure,” Tommy said. “We have time, Evan.”

“I don’t have a lease this time,” Buck retorted, trying and failing to lift himself up a little so he could look Tommy in the face. “I can move in tomorrow if I want to. Time is of the essence.”

Tommy laughed, tightening his arms around Buck to squeeze him a little. “Alright, fine,” he said. “I have a clipboard lying around here somewhere, do your thing.”

Buck couldn’t stop the smirk if he tried. “Still got that old thing?” He ran his hand up and down Tommy’s side, slowly sliding it under Tommy’s shirt. “Wanna break that in before we start planning?”

Tommy’s answering laugh, he muffled by kissing Buck. Safe to say, Tommy was on board with that idea.

-----------------------------------------

It didn’t take long for Buck to pack his life up one more time and resettle in the place that would be the start of his new future. The new apartment hadn’t had time to become a home to him, but that was mostly because Buck spent most of his time at Tommy’s.

Buck’s 122 team and Ravi helped them move Buck’s things over to Tommy’s place, and put whatever they wanted to get rid of into storage until they figured out what they wanted to give away, what they wanted to sell, and what they wanted to just throw out.

They had their friends and Buck’s team over for dinner as a thank you. Maddie came by with the kids as well, Chimney having a shift at the 118. Tommy and Buck cooked together, and Buck had to take a moment to stop and take everything in. Their guests were sitting around the dining table, deep in conversation, sharing stories and laughs. Jee and Bertie were sitting on the couch, engrossed in a movie, and Odin had hidden upstairs to stay away from the noise. Buck was in a place he called home, with his person, bringing his other people together.

Buck made triple chocolate muffins for dessert, and he soaked up the praise shamelessly. There were few things that compared to the feeling of watching people eat and enjoy the food he’d put so much work into.

He was exhausted at the end of the day, after everyone had filed out, but there was a deep-seated joy coming along with that exhaustion. He and Tommy cleaned up, made sure everything was in order, and then collapsed into bed, only half under the covers before they fell asleep.

Their first night in a shared house didn’t end the way either of them had anticipated, perhaps, but Buck wouldn’t change it. He finally felt like he was home.

And that feeling didn’t leave him. Odin didn’t mind Buck staying longer, seemed actually excited when he realized Buck was there to stay. It was everything that Buck had hoped for.

He had Maddie over a couple of times. He saw Sal outside of workhours because he and Tommy would hang out every now and then.

Buck called his parents. And to everyone’s surprise, they were actually understanding of his situation. They didn’t know what Bobby had meant to Buck, not really, and he wasn’t willing to explain it to them. But they did know that he had meant a lot to Buck, and that losing him had been incredibly hard for him. They showed him compassion, and perhaps Buck should be pissed that it took so long for them to do so, but he was so sick and tired of feeling angry at the people around him, so he took it in and held it close. For the first time, he felt like he understood them a little bit after he’d examined his own feelings for his nephew. It didn’t make it okay what they had done to him, but Buck could understand them a little bit better now.

They reacted positively to him changing stations. His mother asked him whether he was happy, whether his coworkers treated him well, whether he was taking care of himself, and he could answer all of these questions with a truthful yes. They were truly, genuinely delighted by the news that not only was Buck back with Tommy, but they had moved in with each other.

Bobby’s approval of Tommy had meant the world to Buck and it always would, but he hadn’t realized how nervous he’d been about his parents not accepting him dating Tommy again. They liked him, they truly did, and Buck felt like perhaps, there was a chance for something better in the future. It wouldn’t replace what Buck wished he’d still have with Bobby, but he didn’t need replacements. He just needed people around him who cared. He needed things to be different than they were.

He continued to hang out with Ravi. They didn’t talk much about work, but Ravi did complain about a couple of things that happened. There were tensions in the team. Eddie and Chim had taken Buck’s transferal as a personal insult, while Ravi and apparently Hen understood that it had been in Buck’s best professional interest to change stations.

Buck took that in, chewed it up, and spat it back out later with Tommy while throwing hit after hit at the punching bag. He found he did like throwing his frustrations out like this, but he also felt like he needed another hobby. Something more like baking, something repetitive and meditative that allowed him to focus on something else. He’d find something, surely.

It took another couple of days for everything in their house to be in order. They sold a couple of things off on the internet, some stuff, they gave to Tommy’s coworkers if they could use it, and a couple of things had to be thrown away. They kept Buck’s couch and armchair for the guest room, but when they realized that Odin really liked the chair, they relocated it back to the living room and banished the old wicker chair that Odin had previously claimed outside to the garden shed so Odin had a place to rest when either Tommy or Buck was working outside in the garden. All in all, it took a bit of trial and error and they had a minor spat about Buck wanting to reorganize Tommy’s – their – kitchen, and they had to spend an entire day off with clipboards, discussing what they were willing to compromise on and what not. They figured it out.

Two weeks after that, it was John’s last shift at the 122, and Buck was officially taking over his spot on the team. They hadn’t known each other for long, but Buck was a bit sad to see him go. They’d gotten along well at work, and John had done his best to make Buck feel welcome and like he wasn’t some imposter trying to take away John’s spot.

Buck baked him almond croissants because John had mentioned them being his favorite off-handedly at some point. John asked for the team to cook together for his last dinner at the station, which they did, and after they had eaten, they descended upon Buck’s croissants. They told stories about John, what he’d been through, and John told Buck about the early days when Sal had first started at the 122, much to their captain’s chagrin. They dissolved into laughter so hard Buck’s stomach hurt.

It was a lovely time spent together, and for a moment, Buck’s heart hurt as he remembered so many days like this one at the 118 with his friends and with Bobby. But then, he shook it off. Those days were over, for better or for worse. And he didn’t want to let that thought overshadow this joy he had felt here. He could miss those times without letting it affect how he felt about his new team.

He was in the middle of cleaning up the pots and pans with Claire when he heard a boisterous laugh from the doors, belonging to Marco. They left the pans behind to check out what was going on, and when Buck saw it, he couldn’t help the bright grin taking over his face.

It was Mr. Andrews from the call a couple of weeks back, along with Joey who was currently clinging to his grandfather’s pantleg, his fire engine stuffie clutched in his other hand.

Sharing a look and a smile, Claire and Buck joined Marco in greeting their two guest. Joey was shy, but he did wave at Buck with a little smile.

Others followed soon after, Rose and John trailing after them from where they’d sat in the back of an ambulance, probably talking about the time they had shared. Sal also came out of his office to check out what the commotion was about.

He squeezed his way through the others so he could greet their new guests personally.

“Mr. Andrews,” he said, offering a hand to shake. “It’s good to see you up and about. Please, let me welcome you to Station 122. Sal Deluca, Captain of this lot.”

“To fellow firefighters, I’m William,” Mr. Andrews – William – retorted. “I honestly didn’t think I had to be on the receiving end of my people, but I had to come by and thank you in person.”

“It’s what we do,” Sal retorted.

“It is,” William agreed. “You should be damn proud of your house, Captain.”

“I am.”

“Peepaw,” Joey interrupted in a whisper. “You can’t say that word!”

That brought everyone around them to a chuckle. Joey blushed, but then his eyes found Buck and they widened. His smile became broader, and after an encouraging pat on the head by William, he closed the distance between him and Buck. Buck lowered himself into a crouch so he didn’t tower over the boy.

“You found him,” Joey said.

“Well, me and my team did, yeah,” Buck replied.

Joey shook his head. “It was you. You asked me, right?”

“Ye-yeah,” Buck confirmed. “I asked you about the room.”

And then, he had an armful of young boy, a stuffed fire engine getting squished between them. Buck got over his shock after a second and returned the hug, gently folding his arms around Joey. When he refused to let Buck go, Buck simply supported him and stood up, holding Joey against his side.

“He wouldn’t talk about anything else in the hospital,” William told Buck. “Sat on my bed and told me all about the firefighter who asked him to help rescue me.”

“Buck figured it out by hearing something on the side,” Rose said, proudly wrapping an arm around Buck’s shoulder, careful not to dislodge Joey. “And you should be proud of your grandson. He knew exactly where you’d be.”

“I sure am.” William reached out to ruffle Joey’s hair. “He already has great instincts. Will serve him well. He wants to follow old peepaw’s steps.” He nodded at the fire engine still in Joey’s fist. “Become a firefighter as well.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re making a great choice,” Rose said with a grin, and Joey gave a timid smile in return.

Buck could tell that Sal and William wanted to talk a bit more, and perhaps about things that were a little too serious for little ears. So, he caught Joey’s eyes and nodded at his stuffie. “Your peepaw ever show you a real fire engine?” Buck asked.

When Joey nodded, Buck continued, “Wanna see it again?”

Another nod and a grin, so Buck carried him off so Sal and William could talk a little bit more. Rose followed close behind, and John was not too far away, either. John took over the storytelling, explaining to Joey what the 122 engine had been through already.

Joey’s eyes grew wider and wider, and he lost some of the shyness as he continued to ask question after question.

His final one was, “Do you think I could drive this one day?”

John laughed. “How old are you, Joey?”

“Five!” Joey said, holding up four fingers. He frowned, then corrected it to five.

Buck bit the inside of his lip not to laugh, but he couldn’t keep the smile down. Neither could Rose.

“Well, if you listen to your peepaw real well, and you do your homework and follow the rules, I don’t see why not,” John said with bright grin.

Joey gasped excitedly, promising to do exactly that. Buck wondered if Joey would truly one day become a firefighter or if his interests would change. He hadn’t always wanted to become a firefighter, but it was his calling. Maybe one day, he’d meet probie Joey Andrews at a call or something.

They showed Joey some more of the firehouse. Marco and Claire hijacked him for a moment to show him around the ambulance before Buck, Rose, and John took over again to show him the gym, and the locker room with their plaques. Buck’s was shiny and new, but after enough time, there would be wear and tear on it, too.

Finally, Joey started flagging against Buck’s shoulder, and he almost dropped his stuffie if not for Rose catching it in time. The three of them decided it was for the best to bring Joey back to his grandfather, even if that would cut his talk with Sal shorter.

They came back to them in time for Buck to catch the tail end of their conversation.

“That boy you have,” William said, “has the markings of a great leader.”

Sal nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I see it, too.”

Buck wasn’t sure what that was about, but he forgot to ask. William took Joey from his arms, thanking them for entertaining his boy.

“It was our pleasure,” John answered for them all. “Feel free to come by sometime.”

“Not sure if you can invite people to the station if you no longer work there,” Marco pointed out with a grin.

“I still work here for another fifteen minutes, Romero, I can do whatever I want.”

William laughed, subdued so he wouldn’t wake Joey. “I wouldn’t want to intrude further on your last shift, then,” he said. “Although, if you’re looking for a fellow firefighter retiree, I wouldn’t mind someone to share my stories with.”

They said goodbye to them, and then it was time to say goodbye to John. It wasn’t like he’d be swallowed off of the face of the earth, but it was strange, even to Buck. He’d gotten used to working with John quickly, and he was so grateful he got to know him.

John said goodbye to Buck with a tight hug, telling him he’d do just fine. “I’m proud,” he said, “that you’re my replacement.”

Rose made John promise to visit and to stay in the group chat so he could tell them how well his retirement was going and how little stress he had now. They shared a couple more jokes before they left Sal and John alone. John was the last member of Sal’s first team here, and Buck was sure they wanted a moment to themselves.

It was a bittersweet thing, but it was nice. He wished they could have given Bobby a sendoff like this instead of the one they had. None of his core team at the 118 had retired – quit on the spot, sure. But never like this. He liked this, how little pain it came with. It felt peaceful.

The peace wouldn’t last, though.

All in all, Buck had a good time at the 122. After John’s retirement, they found their groove and Buck enjoyed his time there for another couple of weeks. He went to work, he saved lives, he spent time with his team, he came home. He cooked, or Tommy did, they went on dates or stayed in. Sometimes, he spent time with Maddie or Ravi. He was still getting his feet under him. It was nice like this.

And this day had started nice, too. Buck came home from his shift with Tommy already at home. Odin greeted Buck at the door, winding around his legs until Buck leaned down to pet him. The routine stayed the same – Buck took his shoes off because while he himself had never cared about that, Tommy sure did, and at this point, it was second nature to Buck.

He put his work duffel next to Tommy’s in a shelf in the entryway, then made his way upstairs to the bedroom. He had showered at the station, but another thing he’d picked up from Tommy was that he needed to change out of the clothes he’d worn out of the house.

Once all that was done, Buck went to look for Tommy. It was too early to be cooking, but Buck checked the kitchen anyway. He didn’t find Tommy, but he did find a cup of coffee made perfectly to his liking and a little note that said, In the garage with a little heart drawn next to it.

Buck laughed, looking down to Odin. “Let’s go see him,” he said, and Odin meowed back at him as if he’d understood Buck.

Odin took the front, walking in front of Buck to the door to the garage, but he sat down and waited semi-patiently for Buck to make his way there. He was only allowed in the garage if Tommy or Buck were with him, and for some reason, that meant that Odin was obsessed with being let into the garage.

Tommy looked up from his workbench where he was fiddling with something. He put it down and smiled at Buck, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He pushed back, climbing on top of the workbench as Buck closed the door behind them.

Buck closed the distance between them so he could kiss Tommy hello, and then, Odin wanted to get a little love, so Buck picked him up to put him in Tommy’s lap. Buck put his coffee cup down on the benchtop.

“How was work?” Tommy asked, his fingers curling into Odin’s mane looking like second nature to him.

“Good,” Buck retorted, stepping closer again so he could put one hand in the back of Tommy’s neck. Tommy’s legs opened around his hips easily. “Had a fire at a bakery. I felt bad for the owners, but they have good insurance.”

“That’s good.” Tommy leaned his head back into Buck’s hand and smiled at him from under hooded eyes. His mouth was half-open, as if he was about to say something, when suddenly, they were interrupted by a new voice coming from outside the half-raised garage door.

“Tommy!” a man called from the outside, sounding agitated. “You better be home!”

It took Buck a nanosecond to place that voice. He froze for a moment, looking down at Tommy with wide eyes. “What is Eddie doing here?” he asked.

Buck tried to get more air into his lungs, but it felt like his throat had closed up. Goosebumps broke out over his skin. A shiver ran down his spine, a feeling of coldness reaching into his fingers and up to the roots of his hair. He didn’t know whether he wanted to run out of the garage or into the house.

“Hey, Evan, just look at me,” Tommy interrupted whatever Buck’s brain was going through, getting up with Odin held under one arm like a bag. He put a hand on Buck’s face and coached him through a breathing exercise that Buck had done with Tommy a hundred times whenever the noise or lights became too much for Tommy.

“Why is he here?” Buck asked, reaching out and digging his fingers into Tommy’s upper arms.

“I’m gonna find out. You stay inside,” Tommy said, putting Odin in Buck’s arms, “and keep Odin with you, okay?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Buck gasped, one hand clutching Odin close to his chest and the other trying to grab Tommy’s hand. “What if he- what if he does something? What if he hurts you?”

Tommy smiled gently. “Don’t worry about me, Evan. He never once beat me when we sparred.”

Buck was stunned enough that he let Tommy go. Feeling a little bereft, he wrapped his free arm around Odin as well, adjusting the large cat in his arms.

Eddie had never been able to beat Tommy, huh. Eddie had called it Tommy going toe to toe with him. It figured he wouldn’t admit losing to Tommy.

Holding Odin closer, Buck inched his way to the garage door that Tommy had ducked under. He couldn’t see Tommy – or Eddie, for that matter – but he was able to hear them. He could hear the quick steps pacing back and forth and then suddenly stop.

“There you are.” Eddie sounded exasperated, like this whole thing was an indescribable inconvenience to him. As if anyone had asked him to come here.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve to show up here,” Tommy said, his voice even and betraying no emotion. “What do you want?”

“You’re back with Buck, right?” Eddie asked. “So, you know where he lives. Gimme the address, it’s about time someone talks some sense into him.”

“And that’s gonna be you?” Tommy retorted skeptically. Buck could practically hear the way he eyed Eddie up and down.

“What do you mean?” Buck immediately noticed the threatening edge in Eddie’s voice. He’d been on the receiving end of that enough times.

Tommy scoffed. “You’re not getting anything out of me either way. I’m not telling you where Evan’s apartment is. If you don’t know, that’s for a reason.”

“Go figure,” Eddie said, and Buck could practically hear the eyeroll. “You’re back with him for what, a couple of weeks, and you’re already encouraging him throwing a tantrum like a child.”

More like six months. Not that Eddie knew. Or cared, probably.

“Wow,” Tommy muttered, sounding wholly unimpressed. “Do you have any kind word for any of your friends left? Or is it all mask off now?”

“This isn’t about that,” Eddie argued. “Buck and I need to talk. He left me on read, on top of just leaving the 118! You’re talking about friends, but friends don’t do that!”

“You know what friends don’t do? Ghost their friends, dig into their insecurities, yell at them for being upset.” Buck could hear the scruff of Tommy’s boot against the ground, assuming he must have taken a step closer to Eddie. “You know, what I think is interesting is that you haven’t talked to me in months but now that I can do something for you, suddenly you’re on my doorstep.” A sigh followed, and then, Tommy said, voice low and hard, “It’s a pattern with you. You drop people left and right. You’re one of the least loyal people I know.”

He heard the sharp inhale from Eddie, could picture the way his jaw clenched and his eyebrows lowered. “You fucking stop talking like that or-”

“Or what?” Tommy sounded unbothered, and his following words sounded a bit like a tease, but mostly like a goad. “What are you gonna do? You gonna hit me? Huh, you gonna post up like a big boy and punch me? Like you were gonna do to Evan? You know I’m going to wipe the floor with your face.”

Buck wanted nothing more than to stick his head outside and see. What if Eddie actually decided to hit Tommy? He didn’t want Tommy to get in an actual, physical fight over him. He should just get out there, talk to Eddie, and be done with this.

But then, Eddie spoke again. “I didn’t want to hit him.” It was a protest, but a weak one for Buck. His voice was flat, and his words didn’t sound like a denial. They sounded like a lie. Even if he truly believed that, Buck knew what he had seen on Eddie’s face, in his eyes.

Tommy also didn’t sound convinced. “Didn’t you,” he said, not phrasing it like a question. “Like you don’t want to hit me right now? You sure made him feel like it.”

Eddie sputtered. “It’s not my fault he thought that! I’d never do that!”

Yeah, right. As if it wasn’t Eddie who’d almost killed a man because he was angry. Where Buck didn’t want to use his size and strength to intimidate other people, Eddie used whatever was at his disposal.

“You know what, it doesn’t matter what you think, or what he thinks. I want to talk to him, right now, so you better tell me where he is!” It seemed that Eddie had gotten over whatever had made him pause in record time. Probably shoved it down so he never had to confront it like he did with so many things.

“Too little, too late, Diaz,” Tommy retorted. When Buck moved a little, he could see his shadow shifting on the ground, watching it change into a broader, steadier stance. “We both know you’re not here to apologize. You’re just gonna parade around, stomp your feet, probably guilt Evan into apologizing to you instead.”

“Well, that’s not what I want,” Eddie snapped. It sounded like another lie. “I want to talk, because I never got the info that he was leaving before the day arrived! After everything I did, after I stayed at the station, and I want to fucking talk about that!”

“Hearing a lot of I’s and not a lot of he’s. That’s not how this works.” Buck heard Tommy sigh, and his voice gentled just a little bit for his next words, like he truly felt regret. “You know, I really valued our friendship. It was fun, I thought you were a great guy.” Then, the tone hardened once more. “I know your type, Diaz. Swinging an axe left and right, and you don’t care that you’re hitting people as long as you’re also hitting wood.”

Tommy was like a bulwark. Buck felt a little calmer knowing there was no way he’d let Eddie through. He didn’t want or need Tommy to fight his battles for him, but it felt nice to have someone in his corner, to have someone who defended him so vehemently. Besides, Tommy wasn’t wrong. Eddie would probably manage to make Buck feel guilty enough that he thought he had to apologize to Eddie for not telling him he was leaving.

“Like you haven’t hurt him,” Eddie growled, and of course, he was going to turn it around as if the whole situation was suddenly Tommy’s fault or something.

“Sure I have,” Tommy said easily. “Something that I will spend the rest of my life rectifying. I’m lucky he’s sweet and forgiving. I’m not taking that for granted.”

“You think I am?” Eddie demanded, voice thunderous.

“Did I say that?” Tommy asked mildly in return, but Buck did have to agree with Eddie that it sort of had been implied. On the other hand, Tommy wasn’t wrong that Eddie liked jumping to conclusions.

“You can save your condescending bullshit!” While Buck still couldn’t see Eddie, he heard his voice become a little clearer, like he had taken a step closer.

“Nah, I don’t think I can.” Tommy’s voice turned hard again. Still not quite angry, but nearly. “You came here out of your own free will, interrupting me in my afternoon. So you can stand here and listen. You just hear what you want to hear.” Tommy paused for a moment, but then he continued, words strong and confident, leaving no room for interruptions. “You think people think the worst of you because that’s what you think of people. In your mind, Evan blames you for Bobby’s death because you blame Evan. And yourself, but mostly Evan.”

Buck clutched Odin closer, burying his face in his fur. He’d suspected, but hearing Tommy say it out loud, and not hearing protests from Eddie still cut deep. As if he hadn’t done everything in his power. As if any of them had known.

“You think everyone has as much contempt for other people as you, and you can’t even fathom there could be someone out there like Evan who tries to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt and second chances even though they don’t deserve them.” That last part was said pointedly.

Eddie, it seemed, wasn’t ready to admit defeat. “I could say the same about you!” he growled, getting closer to yelling, like back in the kitchen.

“Perhaps,” Tommy allowed. “But I am working on feeling like I do deserve it.” Buck watched his shadow move on the ground, getting closer to Eddie. “I love him,” he said. “Can you say the same?”

Eddie made a sound of outrage. “I’m straight!” he said angrily.

“Not the only kind of love out there, Diaz,” Tommy said, and Buck could practically hear the eyeroll. “I’d hope you love your best friend, but I’m not so sure. About any of that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Figure it out. And get the fuck off my property.” That was Tommy’s parting shot, and he ducked back under the garage door, closing and locking it behind him.

Tommy stood there for a moment, taking a couple of calming breaths. Then, he looked up, and his eyes widened in shock. He closed the distance between him and Buck, brushing a hand up Buck’s side with gentle pressure, a concerned look taking over his face.

“I thought you’d go inside,” he said.

“I wanted to make sure you’d be okay,” Buck said, and he hadn’t realized he was shaking until he heard his own voice.

“Come on, let’s go in. Forget about that asshole.” Tommy’s hand slid around Buck’s waist and brought him inside, Odin still settled in Buck’s arms.

Buck was shaken. He was devastated by Eddie’s words and actions. He thought back to the day Eddie had texted him about babysitting and Chim had called Tommy about the helicopter tour, and couldn’t help but think that it probably had actually been a coordinated attempt to get Buck one-on-one – and when that didn’t work, they tried to get to Tommy and get information from there.

Since the atmosphere between Buck and Chimney was icy whenever they ran into each other at Maddie’s, and Buck had had no desire to reply to Eddie’s texts, it seemed Eddie decided to tackle the issue head-on and try and get Tommy to tell him how to get to Buck.

But then there was Tommy, and while Buck would normally say he could deal with Eddie on his own, he truly felt like he couldn’t, and he also didn’t want to. He felt mentally exhausted just thinking about it. He needed time, and it seemed like Eddie also needed time, at least to cool off.

Tommy spent the rest of the day making sure Buck was comfortable. It almost seemed like he felt guilty for going off on Eddie like that, and Buck sought to rectify that. Outside of Maddie, he’d never had someone in his corner like this, and even she hadn’t always been one hundred percent on his side. To Tommy, Buck’s enemies were his. Even if said “enemies” had once been their friends and family.

Despite the little hiccup, the rest of their day was nice. They stayed home, having dinner together on the back patio, watching Odin stalk through the backyard. Buck scooted his chair closer to Tommy so he could lean into his side, and Tommy wrapped his arm around him. It was nice like this.

Buck would take that peacefulness he’d felt these last couple of weeks and bring it back. Eddie couldn’t just swoop in and make a mess of things, Buck wouldn’t let him. He’d felt good about his choices. And sure, if he’d been in Eddie’s position, he’d probably also be pissed that Eddie didn’t tell him. The only problem here was that Buck had been Eddie’s position several times and had been expected to be understanding.

Seemed like Eddie didn’t like the taste of his own medicine that much, and Buck wasn’t willing to accept things staying the same. And they would if Buck gave in. He’d apologize, Eddie would just keep going like he had before until the end of time. Maybe this time, they’d both learn. Maybe this time, Buck would finally be able to let go.

He’d see. There was still a lot of time.

-----------------------------------------

Buck continued to ignore Eddie’s attempts at contact. Mostly because they were borderline insults over text, telling him to stop acting like a child. Until Eddie showed that he could hold an actual conversation with Buck, there was no chance in hell he’d be replying. He could just block him, but in the end, Buck didn’t. Let Eddie talk to a wall, he thought. See how he likes that.

And while it did suck that Buck was again out of contact with Chris, at this point, he had to accept it. He liked Chris, but while he’d been in Texas, there had been no contact between them, either. Chris was a teenager, he could text Buck if he wanted to, and if he didn’t, well that was that. Besides, any texts coming from Chris right now would probably be because of Eddie, and Buck wasn’t here for that. He wasn’t going to let Eddie leverage his own kid.

He found joy in other things. Sal’s youngest daughter Valeria turned five, and since Tommy was invited, Buck was invited by proxy. The birthday was adorable, a bunch of kids from ages four to six ran around the Delucas’ backyard. Isabella tried hogging Tommy from the first moment on, but Valeria declared that since it was her birthday, it was her turn. Buck wondered if Sal’s kids would get along with Maddie’s.

While there, he met Gina, Sal’s wife, a lovely and fiery woman. She had large, dark, and expressive eyes that seemed to pierce right through Buck. In a quiet moment, she pulled Buck to the side and talked to him a little about Tommy, and Buck hadn’t realized how much he needed her approval. This was one of the most important people in Tommy’s life. She’d probably seen his heart get broken too many times.

But they hit it off, and she introduced him to crocheting, something she did when she tried to come down from a stressful situation. The kids knew that crocheting meant that Gina needed quiet, and Sal showered her in new, beautiful yarn whenever he could.

An idea was born. Tommy knew how to sew, and the two of them had started to learn how to knit because of a dare from Tracy – Tommy and Buck had to learn knitting, and she and Rhys had to learn horseback riding. But crocheting was different, still, and Buck realized he was intrigued.

He liked the repetitiveness. He liked the different patterns. He liked the quiet in his head. Gina showed him a couple of beginner’s tricks, and from there, it evolved quickly to the point that Buck found a little crocheting group when he got caught up in a conversation with a group of old ladies at the shop he bought his yarn at.

It was a group of five women, all of them around thirty or forty years older than Buck, but they had been welcoming. They were so excited about a young man showing interest in their hobby, and they were more than willing to show him the ropes. They invited him to join their little group which consisted of sitting, crocheting, drinking tea or coffee, and gossiping about their neighbors. It was a ton of fun.

They were so sweet about Buck dating a man. The first time around, before Josh told Buck that not everyone had an as accepting environment as Buck, he hadn’t really thought about what other people would think. This time, it was different. Tommy had told him about his experiences, and Buck had noticed people’s faces when they realized he was with a man. And, of course, the time when he’d wondered if Maddie was truly as okay with his sexuality as she had made him believe. He wasn’t as forthcoming with information these days, and it took especially long for him to tell people about Tommy. You could never be safe enough.

But his group was sweet. Five women who liked to play up the innocent, sweet old lady deal but had incredible stories to tell. They were all married with kids and grandkids, but that wasn’t all they talked about. Carol was 71 and the oldest of the group, but she still had her deep black hair without a speck of gray. She was a pickpocket in her youth and still wanted to do something to keep her hands busy. Barbara was 69, knew all the jokes about it, and had short, white curly hair. She owned poultry and had a bunch of rescue chickens that had plucked their feathers, so she liked crocheting them little sweaters. Then there was Pamela M. or Pam who was also 69, pretended not to understand the jokes, and used to have award winning roses in her youth. She still had roses, but didn’t go to competitions anymore. Instead, she gossiped over the horrendous plants in her neighbors’ gardens because those neighbors had tried to poison her roses and as such, she had taken it upon herself to criticize them for everything. Then came Pamela S. or Mela, 68, hair dyed a deep dark red, who always wore floral dresses. Her daughter as well as her grandson were blind, but they both loved soft, textured things, and that’s how she started knitting and crocheting. And then finally, there was Judith, 65, a former surgeon. She had calm and precise hands and liked doing the tiny, complicated patterns.

Buck was by far the youngest, but he could definitely throw his hat in the ring for stories and experiences. It was so nice to talk about things. They were so validating whenever someone brought up a story that made them angry. Like that time Mela told them about a barista that was being rude about her grandson’s service dog. Or when Carol told them about the dumb bitch – her words – who wouldn’t leave the neighborhood kids alone when they played outside. Or when Buck told them about his former coworkers and instead of telling him he needed to be understanding, they told him he was right for finding an environment that felt better for him. It was freeing. They liked to listen to the stories about the rescues, but also about his stories when he was traveling. And they wanted to hear about Tommy when he told them about him.

The first time he mentioned him, it was when Judith was complaining that her grandkids had gotten in her yarn again despite her putting it up on top of the fridge. They shared ideas on how to hide their stuff, and when they asked Buck, he answered almost without thinking.

“Oh, my boyfriend made me a wood crate that locks. We have a cat, we don’t want him to get into the yarn,” Buck said, concentrating more on what his hands were doing.

But then, it was time for Buck to tell all about his home life. They wanted to know all about Tommy, and quickly grew fond of the picture that Buck painted – an army veteran, firefighter pilot, gentle and intelligent, someone who was good with his hands and worked with them whether it was fixing cars or woodworking a crate for his boyfriend. Buck felt great gushing and fawning over Tommy without people rolling their eyes at him. He hadn’t realized how much it had bothered him that his friends always reacted with exasperation at his stories until he was met with interest and encouragement instead.

He showed them pictures of Tommy, and all bets were off – they talked all about how classically handsome he was, about his bone structure, and his sky-clear eyes. If they thought he looked good on those photos, they should see him smile in real life, Buck thought.

Buck told Tommy all about them, too, and Tommy suggested picking up Buck from crochet club, as he called it. They had a different name from their group chat. It was called Buck and the groupies. Buck had not come up with that name.

Carol, Pam, Judith, Mela, and Barb were all whispering excitedly when it was around time for Tommy to show up. They’d met up, as usual, at Carol’s place. The weather was nice, so they’d sat outside on the front porch together. Carol’s husband had brought them iced tea and snacks. The women were unsubtly checking the clock, as they had done the whole time since Buck had mentioned that Tommy was coming to pick him up.

And then, he did arrive. He parked his truck on the street, and Buck felt the grin take over his face and he raised his hand to wave at Tommy when he exited his car. Tommy grinned back at him and waved back, leaning his arms over the gate.

“Heard I have a package to pick up?” Tommy called over to Buck.

Buck rolled his eyes. “Come up here,” he returned.

“Oh, he’s even more handsome in person,” Mela murmured to Judith.

“I know, right?” Judith whispered back.

Carol leaned over to Buck as Tommy came closer, lowering her voice. “You have to tell me, sweetie, where did you meet him?”

Buck blushed a little, remembering the two weeks he’d gone insane because Tommy’s eyes stayed on someone else for two seconds too long. “Through work,” Buck settled on. He’d tell them about the cruise ship thing later. When Bobby dying a year later wasn’t as fresh in his mind. “My coworkers knew him, and called in a favor from him.”

“A firefighter, hm?” Pam said, a contemplative look on her face. “Maybe I should have just set my kitchen on fire after all.”

Pam was happily married. She’d left her first husband after a miscarriage caused by said husband, and met her current one many years later. But who knew, perhaps she would have met him sooner if she had set her kitchen on fire. He was an interior designer, after all.

Tommy was close enough to hear their conversation, and he said, “I won’t tell,” with a wink.

Carol gasped in delight. “Oh, and a charmer, too. What a lucky boy you are, Buck.”

“Yeah, I know,” Buck said bashfully.

“I’m the lucky one,” Tommy retorted, winking at Buck.

Barb put her hands on her chest. “Oh, you remind me of me and my Anthony when we started going out. Aren’t they just so sweet?”

“Your Anthony doesn’t look like that,” Judith muttered.

“He is a very handsome man!” Barb protested.

Buck chuckled softly, carefully putting his project in his bag. “It’s been lovely as always,” he said as he got up. “I’ll see whether I can make the next one, I might be on shift.”

“Oh, we can always reschedule,” Mela waved off. “Have a nice day now, honey.”

They said goodbye, and Barb and Judith got ready to leave, too, all while still bickering over Barb’s husband. Buck hid a soft laugh, waving to them a last time before he followed Tommy to the truck.

“They seem fun,” Tommy said as they climbed in.

“They’re great,” Buck confirmed.

Tommy sighed and reached over to squeeze Buck’s hand. “You’re so hot,” he said, pulling away from the curb.

“Ye-yeah?” Buck asked with a grin. “This- this crocheting thing is doing it for you?”

“You’re doing it for me.”

Once they were home, Buck barely had enough time to put his crocheting bag in the crate before Tommy was on him to show him how much exactly Buck was doing it for him.

Only a couple of weeks after that, things started really changing.

Buck and Tommy were at the farmer’s market to buy produce and look around. There was also a stall that sold yarn that Buck loved, so he checked it out as well. Only to run into May and Ravi at the same stall. May was looking at the sheep milk soap the stall also sold, and Ravi was standing next to her, carrying a basket.

Their eyes met, and Ravi’s eyes lighted up. He grinned, nudging May to bring her attention to Buck.

“Hey!” Ravi called out to him, walking over so they could talk.

It turned out that Ravi and May had been talking the whole time since the meet-up at Maddie’s house, and they were now officially dating for a couple of weeks. They were taking things slow, but it seemed like it was going well from the way they looked at each other.

At one point, Tommy joined them, and he and Ravi started talking about something or other that Buck didn’t try to follow. Instead, he talked to May, asking her how she was doing, how Harry was doing, how Athena was doing. May answered truthfully and elaborately, and then, she asked Buck right back which did leave him stunned for a moment.

He did answer her as well, tried to be as honest as she had been. Told her about how adrift he’d felt and that it only got better once he distanced himself from everything. He told her about his new crew and his new hobbies, and somehow, they got caught up in a conversation that had nothing to do with grief or with Bobby.

At one point, however, they all had to go on with their days, but May extended an invitation to them to dinner at Athena’s with her and Ravi. Athena wanted to meet Ravi officially as May’s boyfriend, and May suggested Buck and Tommy tagging along for moral support. Buck felt a bit strange imposing on their evening, but May insisted, and finally, Buck gave in.

Which led them here. Dressed up but not too fancy, Odin taken care off with an automatic feeder. Buck double-checked all of the cabinets and his yarn box. Tommy made sure all the windows and doors were locked. It wasn’t the first time they left Odin on his own, but they always did this thing where they made double and triple sure that there was no way Odin could get out.

They decided to take an uber to Athena’s new apartment. If the night took a turn for the worse, there was a chance Buck would just want to get drunk at some club and they had to get home somehow.

Buck had known that Athena had decided to leave behind the house she and Bobby were rebuilding, too hurt by the memories they never got to make in a place that was meant to be just theirs. But he’d never been at her new place, and as far as he knew, it was temporary. Perhaps he should have contacted her when he was looking for a place. They could have been apartment hunting buddies.

Athena greeted them at the door. She looked tired, but her smile was genuine when she saw them. She greeted them both with a hug, and Buck felt his throat close up. He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for not figuring it out sooner, for being unable to do anything for Bobby. But not a single word made it past his lips.

May and Ravi were already there, greeting Buck and Tommy with the same enthusiasm. Even Harry was there, giving Buck a hug in greeting. God, the kid had gotten so tall.

Athena had put together dinner, and as she stood in the kitchen, seemingly checking over the food one last time, Buck grasped his courage with both hands and went to her.

“Anything I can help you with?” he asked.

She had him watch the pots while she got the cutlery out, then called for May and Harry to set the table. Ravi, Tommy, and Buck helped Athena carry the pots and pans over to the table.

“I hope it wasn’t too much extra work with Tommy and me joining,” Buck said to her as he carried a pot past her.

“Oh no, I asked Ravi to invite you two around sometime,” Athena waved off. “I’m glad it finally happened. We were all busy these past weeks, it’s about time.”

Warmth spread out in Buck’s chest at that. The last fears that Athena could be angry at him dissipated, and so did the guilt of not checking in with her a lot. They’d both gotten busy. From what Buck had gathered, Athena had been burying herself in work. He could relate to that.

Dinner turned out to be really nice. Between Athena and Bobby, it had been mostly Bobby who had done the cooking, but Athena’s skill in the kitchen were nothing to sneeze at. Buck wondered if cooking was something bittersweet for her as well. Buck loved it, but it would always remind him of Bobby and learning from him. Perhaps one day, it would come without the painful stab of grief and instead with a fondness of past times.

Once they had finished eating and dropped off into idle conversation, May grabbed Harry to help her clear the table and do the dishes, and Ravi and Tommy left to discuss something, quite unsubtly giving Athena and Buck space to talk.

Athena took a sip from her glass of wine, looking with raised eyebrows in the direction that her kids had just disappeared in.

“If only it was that easy to get them to do dishes all the time,” she said.

“Think they’re eavesdropping?” Buck asked.

“They better not if they know what’s good for them.” She turned her eyes back to Buck. There was a deeper sadness in them that hadn’t been in there before. Well, there had always been something, but it seemed bigger now, more present. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while but-” She sighed.

“It’s okay. I’m sure you had a lot of things to think about.”

“I did,” she agreed. “This is the third time I lost the man I love.”

Buck didn’t say anything, but he looked at Athena to show her he was paying attention and she could keep talking if she wanted to.

“The first time, I had nothing left of him but the need to find who did it. The second time, I had May and Harry to remember him and our relationship by, and it hurt worse than I could have imagined. And I thought I had nothing of Bobby left, either. But I do, don’t I?” She looked right at him. “He loved you like his own son. I see some of him in you.”

Buck swallowed. “I can only hope to be a man like he was.”

She rolled her eyes. “He wasn’t the be-all end-all of all men. He had his issues. He wasn’t perfect, far from it. But I loved him.” She swirled her wine glass. “May and Harry understand me, they loved him. And so did you. So, you understand me, too, don’t you?”

“I mean, I think so,” Buck said. “But he wasn’t really my father, I guess, so-”

“Why did you leave the 118, Buck?” Athena asked, interrupting his train of thought.

“I couldn’t stay there any longer.” Buck searched for the right words. “Things were falling apart, and I didn’t know how to fix it. And I also don’t want to fix it if I’m the only one trying. Everything reminded me of how much I miss Bobby and how much things changed now.”

“I felt the same about the house,” Athena said. “We agreed to create something just for us, something we both loved. But I will never get to live there with him, and it didn’t feel worth it to continue putting myself into it. It was meant to be him and me. Without him, I don’t-” She trailed off once more.

“Do you-” Buck broke off. He didn’t want to put his emotional weight on her shoulders as well, but she was perhaps the one who could give him the best answer. “Do you think he’d be angry with me? For transferring?”

Athena looked contemplative. “You’ve done the whole thing before,” she settled on. “And you both came out of it wiser. I think he would have been sad to see you go, but I also think he would have been proud of you for making that choice.” Putting her wine glass down, she rubbed a finger under one eye. “I miss him so much.”

“I miss him, too,” Buck said. “All I want is for him to yell at me one more time for climbing out of a window. Or show me another one of his recipes."

"That reminds me," Athena said, getting up from the table. “Come with me.”

Buck followed her, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What’s going on?”

She brought him to what was clearly her bedroom, even though the bed was mostly hidden underneath clothes and boxes. It seemed like she was having trouble moving in, too. Or perhaps just sleeping on her own after years of having someone at her side. Even if Bobby had been on shift, it was probably a different feeling knowing that her husband would be back soon compared to knowing he’d never be back. Sort of like when Buck and Tommy had been broken up but worse.

She dug around in one of the boxes and came up with a small book. She brushed a gentle hand over the cover, looking at it lovingly, before she held it out to Buck.

“This is Bobby’s recipe book. I know he would want you to have it.”

Hesitantly, Buck reached out. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep it?” he asked, his fingers halting before touching it.

Athena chuckled humorlessly. “I have no use for it. I would love nothing more than to keep all of his pieces to myself, but it won’t do me any good. He loved you. You’re his family.”

Her eyes were watery, and Buck took the book only to then step forward. She didn’t flinch, didn’t hesitate, and he pulled her into a hug as he felt his own eyes sting with tears.

He had wondered if she was trying to cling to a part of Bobby through him when she had compared him to Bobby. Perhaps, however, she liked him just fine – they had worked well together on several occasions – and just wanted to spend time with someone who understood her and her family’s pain the same way.

It took a while for them to resurface. They stayed in the room, and they talked quietly about Bobby. It hurt so much, but Buck also realized that this was the first person other than Tommy that he was talking about Bobby to. He’d stopped trying with the others at the 118.

After that, Buck and Tommy had to go home. Buck was exhausted, and they had to check on Odin. Athena said goodbye and asked Buck to stay in contact regularly which he promised to do. He wasn’t looking for another parental figure after losing Bobby. But it was nice to exchange stories with her about him.

On the drive back home, Buck told Tommy about his and Athena’s conversation, and about Athena saying that there were parts of Bobby in him.

And Tommy retorted, “You do have parts of him in you. But you know what? You’re a lot like Athena, too. No wonder Bobby loved you both.”

Buck cried that night, and afterwards, he realized that his chest hadn’t felt this light in months.

-----------------------------------------

And that feeling would only grow lighter. Work was great. Hanging out with Ravi was great. Being with Tommy was great. Odin stopping to chew on everything in sight in the bedroom was great. Buck felt better each day. Sure, there was still a melancholy weighing him down, and he didn’t think he’d ever lose that part of himself now, but the days seemed a little brighter. The sunlight seemed just a touch warmer. The breeze carried a sweeter scent.

And then, Hen texted him.

Heard Athena had you over for dinner, it read. Think you can spare some time for me to do the same?

Buck’s first instinct was to immediately reply yes. He took a breath, however, and thought about it. Could he really spend time with her now, at dinner? Could he trust her not to make him feel guilty, to be able to discuss what had happened properly?

Yes, he could. And he wanted to. His plan had never been to go no contact with the 118, he’d just wanted some space from them for a while. Hen reaching out meant the world to him, because he had been wondering, agonizing about whether he should, and whether they would even want that.

So, after thinking about it – speaking his thoughts out loud to Odin who just looked at him, waiting for him to give him a treat – and sending a text to Tommy to hear his opinion, Buck did text Hen back with an affirmative. He would be coming over to have dinner with Hen.

This time, Tommy didn’t tag along. He stayed home with Odin, and told Buck that all he needed was a text and he’d come by and pick him up.

As it was, Buck didn’t feel like he had to worry too much. It was Hen, after all. She was less reactive than Chimney and Eddie, and perhaps, she would be the one most willing to listen to him. At the very least, he didn’t think the dinner would end with her threatening violence or something.

He was right, in the end. It was just the two of them at Hen’s, Karen having taken the kids out for the evening so they could have their time to talk. The last time that Buck had been here, it had been to do the yard work for Hen’s birthday. Things had been a bit weird back then, too, and not just because Buck had felt awful for forgetting.

They made small talk during the dinner, a bit stilted at first. Small talk between two people who had saved each other’s lives countless times and were part of something like a family would probably always be stilted. They weren’t meant for these sort of things.

Then, the conversation finally shifted into different territory when they were done eating and Buck helped carry the dishes to the kitchen.

“How’s Tommy?” Hen asked, sounding almost casual as she prepared to put the food they hadn’t eaten into the fridge.

“He- he, uh, he’s good,” Buck stammered through his response. “He’s started painting more again.” Mostly while Buck was out with his crocheting ladies. Those moments, Tommy used to paint and draw in his art room with Odin.

“I didn’t know he painted,” Hen said.

“Didn’t he do that when he was at the 118?” Buck knew that Tommy had always sketched when he was a young boy, had to stop when his mother left because his father hated all of those quiet, “girly” hobbies – not the word he’d used. He’d picked it back up in the army and kept going after.

“He wasn’t exactly an open book back then,” came the reply as Hen grabbed the dish soap. “Besides, Chim was always the one who was a little closer to him. I always felt like he was keeping a wall up between us.” She shrugged. “I guess these days I know why.”

Buck nodded. “He was working through a lot of shit,” he said. “He still is.”

“I think most of us are,” Hen allowed. She waved a dishtowel in front of Buck. “I clean, you dry?”

Buck took the offered towel, and together, they tackled the dirty dishes. For a moment, it was in amicable silence, only the sound of water and scrubbing disrupting the peace. Buck knew a more serious talk was probably to follow, but the thought that would be once they were done.

Hen, however, had other ideas. “You know, when we kept his status from you, it wasn’t because we were being nefarious about it.” She sighed. “I don’t know what the guys were thinking, but I was thinking that I didn’t want to see you run yourself ragged again when you would get nothing out of it.”

“Like I was doing the whole time?” Buck countered.

She winced. “I should have noticed,” she said. “About you and Tommy, and about the way you were disappearing.”

“I get that you all had your own things and your own grief,” Buck allowed. “But it seemed like once Bobby was gone, you dropped some sort of ruse. Like you only pretended to care about me as long as he was there.”

Hen put the plate she was currently cleaning back in the sink and pulled Buck into a hug, soapy hands and everything. Buck hugged her back, pulling her in tight. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged Hen. He used to feel so close to her, back when the 118 had started gaining a tighter bond after Chimney’s accident, after Hen and Buck found Bobby at his lowest.

“Never,” Hen said vehemently. “Yeah, we have our own things, but you’re family, Buck, and I’m sorry we made you feel like you weren’t. I guess it was just easier ignoring you than to tell you- I don’t know. I don’t really know what went through my head.”

“Thank you,” Buck said. When he’d come here, he’d wondered whether he’d hold onto grudges, whether he could find it in himself to forgive. He realized now that forgiveness wasn’t about forgetting everything that happened – it was about moving on. All he’d wanted was to be seen by them. And Hen did, after giving herself and also Buck enough time to settle with what had happened, to think things through. “I’m sorry that I kept pestering you about grief assessments.”

She laughed. “Looking back, I know it’s how you cared. I should have been kinder to you. Things were just hard. They still are.”

“Yeah,” Buck agreed.

They finished the dishes, and then, Hen broke out the drinks. Buck sent a text to Tommy letting him know that things were fine, but he’d definitely need to get picked up later. They settled on the couch, and Buck watched Hen fiddle with her phone, probably sending a similar text to Karen.

They fell easily into old habits of gossip. Hen told him about a couple of things she’d seen on recent calls, and Buck told her the greatest hits of his new house as well. They were getting tipsy at this point, and if they kept going, they’d be on the way to drunk sooner rather than later.

“Think Tommy will pick up if I call him soon?” Hen asked, looking at her glass as if it held the answers of the universe.

“Depends,” Buck said.

“Wanna apologize to him. We weren’t the closest, but we were friends, and I should have asked him how he was doing.” She sighed. “Without him, we wouldn’t be alive. It’s a strange thing to think.”

“He cares about you.” Buck leaned his head back. “He’ll pretend he doesn’t so he doesn’t get hurt, and he’ll always support my choices, but if you call and I tell him we’re good, he won’t turn you away.”

They fell into silence after that, staring ahead and occasionally raising their glasses to their lips. They were both too old for this, all things considered, but Buck had missed their bitch-and-drink sessions.

After taking another deep sip, Hen asked, “Where are you even stationed now? You never told us that, right?”

Buck hid his smirk against the rim of his glass. “The 122. I think you might know my captain. His name is Sal.”

“Deluca!?”

Buck nodded. “Tommy’s friend, yeah.”

“That old-” She broke off, chuckling to herself. “He really did it. He made captain.”

“Yeah. He’s pretty good at it, too,” Buck said. “Also, he wants me to ask you why you aren’t captain yet.”

Hen groaned, rolling her eyes. “Not him too,” she muttered.

“Too?” Buck asked. “Who else asked you?”

“Karen tries to change my mind all the time,” Hen sighed. “So does Athena.”

“Well,” Buck shrugged, “they know you well enough. They know you’d make a great one.”

Hen shook her head. “Maybe, but I have a wife, I have two children. I have other things to worry about, I’m not sure I could take care of the 118 the way I’m supposed to. I might have the credentials, but I’m not qualified enough to take over.”

Buck furrowed his brow. “But by that logic, neither are Chimney and Eddie. They’re even less qualified.”

“What?” Hen looked at him, confused, as if she truly didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Well, first,” Buck started, ticking points off on his fingers, “you have experience. You were Bobby’s second-in-command. Eddie has never taken on a leadership role like this, and Chim has, but let’s be honest, Hen, he was kind of really bad at it. I’m not sure he’s good at it now. And Chim has a toddler and a newborn, Eddie is a single dad. You have your wife, your kids are old enough to be self-sufficient at times.”

Hen opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but she didn’t say a word to this. And Buck was just getting started, so he continued. Sal had told him he didn’t understand why Hen hadn’t taken over as captain yet, and Buck had to agree with him. Sure, he knew they were waiting on Chimney, but he didn’t know why when a perfectly good candidate was already there.

“You gave up your medical career already,” Buck continued. “I won’t lie and say I wasn’t happy that you decided to stay with the 118 then, but you would have made an incredible doctor, and you will make an incredible captain.”

“Have you been talking to my wife behind my back?” Hen asked, but there was a tightness to her voice, and there was no way she could hide the sniffle. “She said the same thing.”

“Maybe you should listen to her, then.”

Hen shook her head slowly. “What will the boys think? They’re all about doing what they can to honor Bobby since you left.”

Maybe a couple of months back, Buck would have been hurt knowing that he wasn’t included in the boys anymore. But in this case, it was probably a good thing, and right now, things were a bit too shaky between them for Buck to be one of her boys. Maybe one day. Perhaps in a better way than before.

“Bobby chose you to take over after him,” Buck pointed out. “If they’re so mad at me for not honoring his legacy, maybe they should think about that.”

Hen took another sip, perhaps to hide her laugh. “Not pulling your punches, are you.” It wasn’t posed like a question.

No, Buck wasn’t. Not anymore. Not after all the venting sessions with Tommy and his ladies, not after getting drunk during the day on Hen’s couch. “They’re really good at guilting people into doing what they want,” he bit out. “I don’t think Chim does it on purpose, but Eddie might.”

So, he wasn’t giving Eddie the benefit of the doubt at the moment. So what? Hen seemed to take his words in, looking contemplative. Well, as contemplative as someone could look when they were drunk and continuing to drink.

Finally, she put her glass down, folding her hands on her knees. She didn’t look at Buck, but she addressed him anyway. “You wanna know something, Buck?” she asked.

“Hm?”

“I knew if I threw my hat in the ring, I would definitely be picked over Chim. So I didn’t try because he wants it so badly.” She sighed. “But it’s not fair for me to step back for other people all the time, right?”

It seemed like a rhetorical question, so Buck didn’t reply, not yet. It seemed Hen was thinking things through in real time.

“They fight a lot, Eddie and Chim. About being captain. Only time I see them united is when they get mad at you. And me, to be honest.” She shook her head. “You’re not wrong, neither of them is really good at leadership, so when I don’t follow their orders, they get pissy.”

“Isn’t Gerrard still captain?” Buck asked. He thought he would have heard it if Gerrard finally retired – again! How many times could this man retire?

Hen shrugged. “I don’t know what happened to him, but he’s a shadow of the man I knew back then. He doesn’t interact with us, just does his thing and leaves. I don’t even have it in me to hate him.”

Buck nodded slowly. Tommy had said something similar, that he couldn’t find it in himself to care enough about Gerrard to hate him at this point. Sal didn’t care about him, either.

There was some more silence between them. Buck counted the drops of water running down the side of his glass. Hen seemed to be somewhere entirely else.

“Hen, do you want to be captain?” Buck asked when the thought occurred to him. “Like, without any excuses about kids or homelife or whatever. Do you want to?”

Hen didn’t reply. She was staring ahead as if her coffee table had the answers of the universe. Perhaps she hadn’t asked herself that question either. Perhaps no-one else had asked her that question for a while now, and she had to put things in a new context.

“You don’t need anyone’s permission, especially not mine,” he wasn’t even part of her house anymore, “but I think you would be great.”

He decided to leave it at that. Their conversation drifted off into different topics. Buck could barely remember what they were at one point. He finally did text Tommy to come pick him up, and Hen tried to help Buck to the door, only she was equally drunk, so they were leaning on each other, stumbling over each other’s legs.

They managed to get the door open to Tommy standing outside, his eyebrows wandering up as he took in the state of them both.

“You gonna be okay, Hen?” he asked.

Hen waved him off. She grabbed Buck to give him another tight hug. “You gave me a couple of things to think about,” she said. She ruffled his hair. “The new station suits you, Buck. I’m sorry you couldn’t find this with us, but I’m glad you found it at all.”

He squeezed her as tightly as he could until she made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a squeak. Tommy chuckled at their antics, and made Buck wait at the open door until Hen had more-or-less safely stumbled her way back to the couch. After that, Tommy closed the door and got Buck into his truck with some difficulty.

Buck would wake up with a mean hangover the next day – he was really getting too old for day-drinking – but with a good feeling in his chest and more hope for the future than he had had for a while now.

-----------------------------------------

Buck and Hen stayed more in contact after that. Buck also stayed closer with Athena. He continued meeting up for crocheting and gossip. He kept up with the regular bar nights with Ravi, but they morphed into different hang out spots.

Ravi told him a couple of things about the 118 from time to time. Tensions seemed to be at an all-time-high since Hen had now officially announced her decision to pursue the captain spot with the support of many of her coworkers, including Ravi and the new guy who had filled Buck’s spot – Ravi had called him a tool, and that this seemed the only bit of sense in that man. Chim and Eddie seemed to be extremely pissed off by this.

Buck didn’t ask further questions. What they did at their station wasn’t his problem anymore, he was focusing on his own. He felt like he was truly coming into himself there with a new team. He felt like even now, after eight years on the job, suddenly, he was enhancing his skill by leaps and bounds. Like perhaps, he’d gotten stuck. Maybe it had just been his mental state – with the break-up and Eddie leaving and Bobby dying and everything after that – that had kept him down, but it didn’t matter to him much anymore. He felt good.

They had a moment off at the 122. Rose and Marco were playing cards while Claire was reading – or pretending to read, her eyes continuously flicking up to try and see what the others had on their hands. Claire wasn’t allowed to play, she was a card-shark.

Buck was watching from the sidelines, busy cutting up an apple, until Sal came out of his office, scanning the room until his eyes landed on Buck. Sal nodded at him and gestured for him to come over. Buck made an aborted movement to follow him, but after a moment of consideration, he took his little plate with the apple pieces with him. For some reason, Claire loved stealing fruit.

“Buckley, a word,” Sal said as Buck made his way over to him, turning around to disappear into his office again.

Buck’s eyebrows rose. Sal only called him by his last name when they were discussing important work things or out in the field. He followed Sal into the office, closing the door behind him. He sat down, setting his plate down on the desk.

“Everything okay, Cap?” he asked.

“Don’t worry, you’re fine,” Sal waved off. “But I wanted to have a private conversation with you for a moment.”

By the life of him, Buck couldn’t think of what Sal wanted to talk about. Buck had followed orders in the field, and when he didn’t, he explained his thought process to Sal. Often times, Sal actually let him do something else, quick on his feet to incorporate his suggestions. Buck cleaned up after himself in the kitchen. He didn’t have any issues with the rest of the team. Sal had said that he was fine, but what else could he be wanting to talk about?

“What’s up?” Buck found himself asking.

Sal folded his hands, leaning on his desk. “In these few months you’ve been here, you’ve shown incredible skill. Not only that, but humility. Many others of your caliber would let it get to their heads. Not you. You’re an exceptional firefighter.”

Buck felt heat rushing to his cheeks and ears. “Thank you,” he mumbled, touched and bashful. He found himself thinking without Bobby guiding him, he probably would have grown a big head about this. He used to have one when he was a fresh firefighter, after all, back at twenty-six with more ego than sense.

Sal chuckled. “But I didn’t just call you here to blow honey up your ass,” he continued now. “I have an offer for you. Or something for you to consider for the future, at least.” He sighed. “The spot for Battalion Chief is going to open up in only a couple of years, and from what our current one and Chief Simpson have said, if things don’t go horribly wrong, it will be Battalion Chief Deluca to you then.”

Buck’s mouth dropped open. “Wow. Congratulations!”

“Don’t celebrate too soon,” Sal warned, but his grin brightened, too. “This is confidential. I’m telling you because of my plans, but you better not tell anyone else. Even Tommy.”

Well, that sucked. Buck told Tommy pretty much everything these days. “I won’t,” Buck promised anyway. “My lips are sealed.”

“Listen, Tommy is a chatty drunk, so I know that’s not true,” Sal teased him, wiggling his eyebrows. Somehow, his captain knowing about his sex life was easier to accept than the praise he had dished out.

“With me leaving,” Sal continued, “there will be a vacancy here. One that I want you to take.”

Buck froze. A shiver went down from the back of his down to the seat of his pants, followed by goosebumps all over his body. “Sir?” he asked. He felt like he couldn’t be Buck and Sal in this room right now. He needed to be Firefighter Buckley facing Captain Deluca.

"I want you to consider taking steps to take the exam and take over the 122 after me,” Sal reiterated.

“I- I can’t- oh my Go- but I’m- I’m flattered- I-I don’t know-” Buck stammered his way through the thoughts racing through his head. “I-I’ve only been here a couple of months!”

Sal let out a huff. “Kid,” he said, “why do you think I was gunning for you so much? Out of my core team, there is no-one I could ask. Rose would rather eat glass than become captain. I asked her about it back when John announced he was retiring, I thought she was going to hit me for suggesting it. Claire and Marco are great paramedics, but neither of them has the stuff for captaincy. You were born for this, Buck.”

Born for this. Born for marrow and blood. Not anymore. Born to grow and become the best firefighter he could be and lead other people to become the same. It sounded like a dream come true. He wished Bobby was there to see this, to encourage him and give him advice.

“I don’t need an answer now,” Sal said. “I would appreciate it if you considered it. If you don’t feel like it’s the right thing for you, I’m going to look into something else. No matter what, I won’t leave the 122 to be traded off to the next captain looking for retirement, so don’t worry about that, okay? No pressure. But if you ask my professional opinion? You’re gonna be ready when it’s time. You’re ready for those steps now.”

Buck was dismissed soon after, but not without Sal stealing one of the pieces of apple from Buck’s plate. Buck had almost forgotten about them, but he quickly crammed one into his mouth before Sal could think about stealing the rest of them.

“By the way, I was joking about not telling Tommy,” Sal said before Buck could leave the office. “He already knows. I just wanted to see your reaction.”

Buck rolled his eyes, wondering how good it was that his boss at work was also his boyfriend’s best friend and their love language to each other seemed to be getting on each other’s last nerve. And now, apparently, including Buck in that, too.

Once his shift was over, Buck was buzzing out of his skin. He was itching to tell someone. He was obviously not going to tell his team, but everything in him was longing to finally go home and tell Tommy now that he had Sal’s permission.

As soon as the hands on the clock struck the full hour, Buck packed his things and rushed out the station, bidding a quick goodbye to his team. Sal watched him with a poorly hidden smirk. He was texting, and if Buck had to put money on it, he was texting Tommy.

Buck didn’t break the speed limit driving home, but it was a close thing. He parked his Jeep in front of the house, jumped out, and rushed around to grab his bag from the backseat. His hands were shaking, so it took him several tries to finally get the key into the lock to open the door.

Odin was already waiting for him, probably having heard his Jeep, and meowed at him as if he was asking him why he took so long to come inside. Buck bent down to scratch him under the chin, but as soon as his bag was put away and his shoes were off, he quickly moved into the house, looking for Tommy. Odin was trailing behind him, looking at him with one large, confused eye.

“Sorry, buddy, but there’s things happening,” Buck said over his shoulder to Odin who seemed to take it as an invitation to jump on Buck’s upper back.

With his little passenger, Buck looked around for Tommy, finally finding him in the bedroom putting the laundry away. Odin jumped off of Buck’s shoulders and made his way over to Tommy, making little, urgent sounds at him like something bad has happened.

Tommy looked up, smiling at Buck when he saw him in the door, picking up Odin when he came to a stop beside him.

“What’s got him like this?” Tommy asked, rocking Odin like a baby.

“He probably thinks I’m acting weird,” Buck said.

“How come?”

Buck was practically vibrating. “You know about Sal, right?” he asked.

“The battalion chief thing?” Tommy clarified. Buck nodded, and he continued, “Yeah, he told me right after he told Gina. Good for that old bastard.”

Taking a deep breath, Buck came closer, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “He’s offering for me to take the captain spot after him." Saying it out loud felt strange and wonderful and scary.

Tommy’s grin brightened. There was no doubt or surprise on his face, only pride. “I knew it,” he said. “He sees you for what you’re worth.”

Buck felt warm all over. “You think I could make it?” he asked. They’d never talked about this sort of thing. He knew that the work hierarchy at Harbor was much different than at the different stations, so there was not much talk about their career futures. Tommy was pretty much the highest level of pilot he could be, and all he wanted to do was keep flying for as long as he could. Since Bobby’s death, Buck hadn’t really considered his hopes of becoming captain one day.

“I’m sure of it,” Tommy confirmed.

“I-” Buck started, trailing off before he could really find his words. “I wish I could talk to Bobby about this.”

Tommy’s eyes softened and he got up so he could come over and pull Buck up from the bed, wrapping him up in his arms.

“I know,” he said soothingly. “For what it’s worth, I think Bobby saw the same things in you, too.”

He probably had. He’d reined Buck in many times, but he’d also let him walk and grow on his own, coming into himself and his abilities through Bobby’s guidance. What would he say if he could see him now? Athena and Tommy seemed convinced that Bobby would have been proud of him, but there was no guarantee. Buck was still afraid his actions could disappoint Bobby.

Buck shrugged a little. He felt something soft brush against his leg. Odin was rubbing his cheek against Buck as if he was trying to comfort him, too.

“I guess,” Buck said. “But I won’t know.”

“I can’t change that,” Tommy began, sounding regretful. “But maybe you can feel like you can talk to him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Athena gave me an address. You up for a weekend trip?”

And so, Tommy bundled Buck into a sleek, black chopper only an hour later. Odin was in a carrier because he’d looked at them with such a pitiful little face when he realized they were leaving that they decided to just harness him up and take him along. Tommy had apparently taken him into the sky before, and Buck had a picture in his head of Odin in a little helmet with a headset and sunglasses.

It surely was convenient to have a boyfriend who was a pilot with access to helicopters on his off-days. And lucky that Tommy hadn’t lost that privilege. He’d barely gotten around a full suspension after the lab, but he’d been stuck on ground crew for a couple of weeks as far as Buck knew. But this, it seemed was his last strike. If he stole another one, he probably wouldn’t be as lucky. Buck couldn’t put into words how grateful he was that Tommy had truly risked it all for them again.

They’d flown together a couple of times in their first six months. Buck had been fascinated by how sure Tommy was, his focus, how he guided a helicopter through the sky as easily as breathing. He hadn’t been up with Tommy since the army chase. He’d never seen Tommy fly like that. It had been an extremely stressful night, so Buck had never been able to unpack what he’d felt that night.

He knew it now. Scared out of his mind and a little horny.

This time, however, Buck could only call this feeling safety. Tommy knew where they were going, and he’d get them there without any issues. Buck leaned back in his seat, enjoyed the view, and pet Odin through the fabric of his carrier. He wanted to let the cat out, but he also knew that there were probably better ideas than let his cat out several thousand feet in the air.

Buck lost his time up there in the sky. When they landed, he felt tired, but he followed Tommy, no questions asked. They gave Odin some water and some treats, then got into a rental car and Tommy drove them down the streets, following something on the GPS.

They came to a stop at a cemetery. Buck felt like he knew where this was going, but he didn’t say anything. He continued to follow Tommy once they had put Odin in his harness and leash.

Odin was trained, but they only really used it when they took him on a road trip. He was an inside cat for the most part, and was only allowed outside in the garden when Buck and Tommy were with him and could keep an eye on him. Still, he took to the harness easily, running around in front of them and sniffing at leaves and blades of grass.

Finally, they reached the right spot. Tommy halted a bit off from the gravestones, and Buck stopped with him. He could already see the names in the stone.

“Athena told me where she buried him,” Tommy said, voice low. “I was planning on taking you here for a while. I thought now was the time.”

Buck hugged Tommy, squeezing him as tightly as he could. Tommy let out a strained chuckle and kissed the side of Buck’s head.

“I’ll be right over here if you need me,” he said, stepping back from Buck so he and Odin could give him space.

With a last grateful smile at Tommy, Buck turned around and walked closer to the headstones. He swallowed heavily, averting his eyes. He had never seen any headstone with Bobby’s name on it, only his turnout coat hung up on the back of an engine. He couldn’t stare too long before he felt his throat tighten up.

“Uh- hi- hi, Bobby,” Buck said, slowly kneeling down on the ground. “It’s-uh. It- it’s been a while. A- a lotta things happened. I don’t- I don’t know whe-where to uh, to start.” Buck swallowed heavily, remembering the last time he’d spoken to Bobby. “I- I know you said that I’d be okay. A-and that they’d- they’d need me. I’m getting- I’m still getting there on the first one.” He sighed. “The second one I’m not so sure about.” He twisted a blade of grass around his finger, tugging a bit on it but not enough to pull it out. “I left the 118. I really tried, but things got so weird, and then they didn’t tell me about Tommy’s crash – Tommy and I are back together – and Chim named his child after you. And Eddie- I’m not sure what’s going on with him. And I- I couldn’t keep going.” He looked up to the sky. Bobby had believed in Heaven. Was he there? If it existed, then surely. “I joined the 122. You fired its captain back then. He’s- he’s really great. I feel like he sees what I can do. Like you did.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “He wants me to take over after him.” A sharp burn stung the back of Buck’s eyes. He blinked a couple of times, but he couldn’t hold back the liquid building up in his eyes. “I wish you were here. I always thought you’d see it when I made captain.” He lowered his voice for his next words, feeling both shameful and relieved to speak them. “But I don’t know if I would have left the 118 if you were still there. And I don’t know if that would have been the best for me. Would you have seen it the same way? Would you have told me to transfer to a different station? The 118 is never going to be mine. It’s supposed to be Hen’s. You see that, too, don’t you?”

He continued to talk about it. About hoping he hadn’t disappointed Bobby, and how much he wanted his advice. All he could do was imagine what Bobby would say to him. And Bobby would be kind to him. They were long past the lawsuit. Buck was different now. Bobby had been different, too. The longer Buck talked, the more he realized he was making peace with the thought that perhaps, at one point, he would have always made this choice, no matter what.

He felt almost like he’d simply gone to Bobby for advice and listened to his words. He closed his eyes, taking in the sun shining on his skin. There was a gentle breeze. If Buck concentrated, he could hear Tommy’s slow steps where he was following Odin around.

“I probably won’t be back anytime soon,” Buck said. “But I’m thinking of you. All the time. I love you, too, pops.”

With that, Buck stood up, wiping the dirt and grass off of his pants. Tommy was standing a bit away, looking like he hadn’t tried to listen in. He seemed busy keeping Odin from stepping on graves and trying to eat the flowers planted there.

When Tommy noticed Buck approaching, he turned, smiling softly at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Buck walked right into his chest, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I love you,” he said. “Thank you for this.”

Tommy kissed his forehead, wrapping his free arm around Buck. The other one was still holding onto Odin’s leash. He didn’t say anything, but Buck knew what he meant. Buck could count on him no matter when. He would always show up, like he did with the helicopter when Buck needed him. He would be there.

“There’s some things to think about,” Buck said. “Think you can get us home before sunset?”

“Probably,” Tommy confirmed. “Why?”

“Well, I want to think a bit in peace. Make dinner with you. Properly thank you for this.” He dug his fingers into the muscle by Tommy’s spine.

“We’re in a cemetery, Evan,” Tommy said, but he didn’t sound half as scandalized as he acted.

He took Buck’s hand, guiding him and Odin back to the car. Buck did have a lot to think about, but he already sort of knew where his choices would land. He felt lighter now, like making those choices wouldn’t weigh him down. He threw one last look at over his shoulder at Bobby’s grave.

-----------------------------------------

It was as if things were shifting so much that the rest of Buck’s life just had to change too in order to keep up.

When they came back from Minnesota, once they had slept their exhaustion from the trip off, Buck looked into how his future at the 122 might look like. He’d thought he’d probably make captain one day. In the future, the far future. But things had changed. In his fantasies, Buck would take over the 118, but that wouldn’t make sense if Hen actually took over. In his head, Bobby would have been fire chief by then.

Things were different now, and they would continue to follow down this path. It was time for Buck to consider what should happen. He couldn’t wait for anything else. Bobby wouldn’t appear and drop the opportunity in his lap. Sal had already done that.

The next time Buck went on shift, he sought out Sal to tell him that he was accepting his offer, that he’d put in steps soon to take on more of a leadership role. Sal clapped him on the back with a grin and promised him all the support he needed. They also agreed to keep it quiet for now. Once the first steps had been taken, they could tell the others.

As Buck was busy going on shift, hanging out with Ravi and Hen, spending time with Tommy, and checking out what his possibilities were for a future captaincy of the 122, he almost forgot all over the things left undone. He was happy. He was rebuilding a closer relationship with Hen, and getting to know Athena more than he had before.

He sort of completely forgot about the others that were still left in limbo. That was until he got a text from Maddie.

Want to come over for dinner on Thursday? Bring Tommy.  

Buck’s first instinct was to say yes immediately, but then he remembered that Ravi had told him he was off on Thursday – Buck knew because he’d mentioned going out with May that day when they were trying to find a day to hang out. That meant that Chim was also off that night. It seemed like Maddie had decided to tackle the problem head-on and force the two of them to talk.

And okay, fine. Buck could agree that it was time. Things between him and Chimney had been strained for a while now, and with the way they were avoiding each other, that would never change. And so, after clearing it with Tommy, Buck discussed with Maddie when they should show up and if they should bring anything.

Jee requested banana chocolate muffins, so that’s what Buck made. Tommy helped him. And “helping him” meant sitting on the kitchen island, commenting on Buck’s tyrannical rule in the kitchen, and being the taste tester for everything.

They arrived at Maddie’s place with the muffins, a bottle of wine, and enough nerves to vibrate out of their skin. Well, Buck was fully carrying out the latter. Tommy was cool as always, promising Buck that things would be okay and it was important for him. And also that they could bail and finish the muffins and wine on their own if Buck really didn’t want to do this.

But Buck knew that it was time. He was done with the tension between him and Chimney. That was his brother-in-law. It was about damn time for them to get their shit together.

Things between Maddie and Chim had been weird from what Maddie had told him. Chim was mad when he found out Maddie had known about Buck’s transfer, but Maddie fired back against him and it seemed that Chim knew to keep his mouth shut about Buck around her.

Maddie greeted them at the door with Bertie perched on her hip. Jee ran up behind her, hugging Buck’s legs before she begged Tommy to pick her up. Buck watched the scene in front of him with deep fondness warming his chest. He and Tommy hadn’t had the kids talk yet, and while Buck thought they didn’t need to have a child to be happy, he wouldn’t mind raising one with Tommy. Not at all.

Buck brought the muffins and wine to the kitchen, then caught Maddie’s eyes. She nodded at him, then asked Tommy to help her get something or other from somewhere. Buck really wanted Tommy to stay, but as always, this was something for him to do on his own. Besides, he was pretty sure that Tommy and Maddie would stay close enough. Maybe not to listen in, but to intervene if they needed to.

Buck stayed put until Chimney finally made his way into the kitchen, calling out for Maddie about something, but his words died and he stopped in his tracks when he saw Buck standing there at the counter. But didn’t change his neutral expression, but it was a near thing. Chimney’s eyes were cold. He looked Buck up and down, something clearly judgmental in his gaze.

“Maddie invited you,” he said, his tone flat so it didn’t sound like a question. “She said we’d have friends over. I thought it’d be Hen.”

“Aren’t you fighting with her, too?” Buck asked before he could stop himself. Hen and Ravi both had told Buck about the less than warm reception Hen had gotten since she had announced she’d go for the captain spot.

“What’s it to you?” Chimney demanded moodily. “How do you even know? You’re not part of the 118 anymore, you chose that!”

“Doesn’t mean I’m suddenly not part of the family anymore,” Buck groused. “Oh wait! I didn’t belong to the family even when I worked at the 118!”

This wasn’t exactly going how Buck had planned. He hadn’t planned to be this- well, this bitchy. It seemed like Tommy was rubbing off on him.

“That what Tommy tell you?” Chim muttered.

Buck was angry at that, actually. Why was Chimney bringing Tommy into this? This wasn’t about him. And what was that underlying accusation, did he think that Tommy would, what? Poison Buck against them? As if Tommy hadn’t wished to be part of the 118 extended family again. “It’s what I noticed. For both me and him, by the way. He risked his job and his freedom and everything for you – again! – and you couldn’t even be bothered to visit him in the hospital? Or send one text? What, do you blame him for Bobby, too? Like you blame us?”

Chim’s mouth dropped open. “Did I ever say I blamed you, any of you? I told you, I blame him!”

“You blame him, and Athena, and me and Tommy, and Hen, and Ravi, and maybe even Eddie, as long as you don’t have to blame yourself!” Buck griped back. “Because that’s what you want to do but you’re scared of it.”

“Since when did you go under the psychoanalysts?” Chimney crossed his arms.

“Since I felt the same way.” Buck tried to lower his voice a bit, rein his anger in. He didn’t want to fight. He wanted to move forward. “Those first week when we were home, I blamed him for not saying anything, and I blamed all of you in there for not noticing. And I blamed myself for not doing anything more. It was outside of our power, it took me a while to get that. And now, we can do nothing but live with it and remember him.”

“You have a funny way of doing that.” But Chimney also didn’t really sound angry anymore. He sounded tired, and sad, and disappointed. “We’re supposed to stick together and remember who he made us be. Not just leave when things get tough.”

Things had gotten more than tough, but Buck didn’t say that. Still, he wasn’t going to let this stand.

“I’m sorry, but you’re not the authority on how to grieve for him. Especially since what you’re doing isn’t exactly a good example, either.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” The bite was back in Chim’s voice. “I’m honoring him by trying to follow his footsteps! And everyone around me seems to decide not to let me.”

“Following his footsteps,” Buck repeated, then counted off on his fingers, “Trying to keep his team together. You named your kid after him. You’re gunning for Captain. And next? Are you going to marry Athena? Sacrifice your life while saving your team? When will it end? When will you have honored him enough? When will you do something because you want it, not because Bobby did it?”

Buck felt a little bit like he’d been thrown back in time, like back when his leg had gotten crushed. When he’d been on the outside of the 118 looking in, and things just hadn’t seemed to work out. But they had, Buck had found his way back, and perhaps, he could do something similar. Not to the 118, but to its people.

“Chimney, tell me this. Honestly. Do you want to be Captain? Or do you think you have to be?” It was what he’d asked Hen back then in reverse.

Chimney didn’t answer. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and looked away. Buck decided not to press. This was something Chim had to decide.

“I know I’m not doing what anyone expected or wanted from me. But I’m doing what I can. I did what I could, I did what Bobby asked of me until I couldn’t. Now I’m just trying to look out for myself.” And Buck wouldn’t let himself be turned into someone selfish for that.

“What did Bobby ask?” Chimney finally said.

“He said you’d need me. So I tried. He doesn’t know everything, it seems.”

Chim opened his mouth and closed it again a couple of times. Nothing came out. Buck didn’t speak further. There was nothing left to say. Bobby had probably been sure that they would lean on Buck, but he couldn’t know what people did in their grief over him. They didn’t need Buck. And that was fine.

Maddie and Tommy returned to the room with the kids. The atmosphere was a bit strange for the rest of the evening, but it wasn’t as hostile as it had been when Chimney had seen Buck standing in the kitchen. Chim was still sweet to his kids, of course, and he even had a bit of a conversation with Tommy. Buck wondered if he’d gotten through to him. He hoped that Chim would be able to fix things, if not between him and Buck or Tommy, then at least with Hen.

He had to understand that Hen taking the captain spot wasn’t personal, wasn’t a slight against him. Chim had never tried to become captain or something similar after the truck bombing. Buck had always thought he wanted something else and would find his calling elsewhere. He wondered what Chim truly thought about the whole thing. There was no way for him to know, despite once having felt so close to these people.

Chimney spoke more with them as the evening progressed and hugged both Buck and Tommy goodbye at the door, so Buck felt like this had probably been a step in the right direction.

His feelings were confirmed a couple only two days later when Buck was texting with Hen. Ravi had already told him that the tensions at work had faded a little, but then, Hen told him that Chimney had talked to her and they had hashed the captain situation out between them.

I don’t know what you did, said her text, but thank you.

Buck wasn’t all that sure what he did, either. He hadn’t really done anything. He’d just asked a couple of questions, didn’t back down from his decision, and had a nice evening with his sister and her children with his boyfriend keeping him company. Chimney had done whatever he’d done all on his own, but perhaps, Buck had nudged him in the right direction. Just like he had with Hen.

And with that, Buck finally felt like he could focus a little better on other things. Getting started on things wasn’t easy, and it was mostly because Buck was nervous and scared. What if he failed? What if he never passed the exam and everyone would be disappointed in him and he’d lose his new spot at the 122 as well?

This worry would come up over and over the whole day.

Currently, Buck was talking out loud about those concerns again, pacing up and down in the living room. Tommy was sat on the couch, Odin on his lap, and together, they followed Buck’s movements back and forth with the three eyes between them.

“But what if-” Buck started for the umpteenth time.

“But what if not?” Tommy interrupted him. “I know you’re worried, Evan, but there’s no need. Sal isn’t stupid, no matter what I say about him. He wouldn’t have asked you to become his second-in-command if he believed in any way that you weren’t right for it. He’s either going to die in that captain’s chair or let you take over. He’s not for flowery words or softening the blow. If he thought you weren’t good at what you do, he would have told you.”

It did calm Buck nerves a bit, especially because he knew Tommy was right. Sal wasn’t shy about criticism, and he was always honest with his praise. He readily pointed out things that could have been done better, but he also knew when to point out and appreciate a job well done. And as rough as he was, he was never cruel about it.

“But what if he’s wrong?” Buck said, still not fully convinced.

Tommy raised his eyebrows, reaching for his phone on the coffee table while careful not to dislodge Odin. “I’m gonna tell him you said that.”

Buck snatched his phone off the table before he could get it. “Don’t you dare!” he hissed. “He’ll put me on latrine duty!”

“Listen, I’ll be the first one to say that Sal has an inflated ego and sometimes puts too much faith in his own word. But not when it comes to the job. He knows what he’s doing. He isn’t doing this because he wants to butter you up, or because you’re my boyfriend. He’s doing it because he believes you can do it.”

Buck curled his fingers. “I should tell him that this wasn’t a good idea.”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s too late now. Sal probably already let the higher ups know, it’s a done deal. You’ll do great. Also,” Tommy tacked on, crossing his arms above Odin’s head, “we have two whole days off together and instead of letting me kiss you, you’re running around the house all day.”

Despite his nerves, Buck couldn’t help but smile. “Feeling neglected already?”

Tommy smiled back at him. “Always. Come on, Evan. The longer the stall, the more nervous you’re going to be. You have paperwork to fill out. Let’s deal with that. I’ll help you.”

Helping turned out to be Tommy standing behind Buck with his hands on his shoulders, keeping Buck from getting up from the table and bolting, which Buck really didn’t find all that helpful in the moment. Later, he would agree that it was the best thing Tommy could have done for him at that point.

Buck filled out his paperwork. Tommy watched him do it, answering questions Buck had, and keeping him sat until the ink on the paper had dried. Only then did Tommy’s hands slide down his back gently, his fingers brushing the back of his neck.

“See? It’s all fine. You’ll be fine.” He leaned down to kiss the top of Buck’s head. “I know you’re nervous. That’s normal. But don’t sell yourself short, okay?”

Buck nodded slowly. He supposed he should have more faith in himself. Bobby had seen something in him, too, after all. Sal saw something. Tommy did, for sure, and not just because he loved Buck. Hen and Ravi seemed to see something in him, too, since they actually talked to him about his part in rescues whenever they heard an interesting tidbit from someone else, or they witnessed the whole thing.

Perhaps he could do it.

“Well then, future captain, how about we get you relaxed a little bit?” Tommy suggested, his hands heavy on Buck’s shoulders as he slid them back up, pushing his fingertips into the collar of his shirt.

Buck huffed out a soft laugh. He should have seen it coming. Tommy had implied he felt a bit neglected. It were their overlapping days off, and most of the time, they wouldn’t leave the bed unless strictly necessary. Buck leaned back in his chair, dropping his head back so he could look up at Tommy. He was smiling and his pupils widened as he looked down at Buck, his eyes firmly locked on the line of his throat.

“I’m not captain yet,” he pointed out, pushing his chair back to stand up. “I’m not even lieutenant.”

“Well,” Tommy said with a teasing smile, hooking his fingers through Buck’s belt loops. “We can practice a bit, don’t you think?”

“You think that?” Buck asked, but let himself be pulled closer.

“Oh yeah,” Tommy confirmed, eyes hooded and staring at Buck’s half-open, smiling mouth. “Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t agree, Captain.”

Needless to say, Tommy was right.

-----------------------------------------

Buck made Lieutenant.

It was something to get used to. Firefighter Buckley became Lieutenant Buckley. Rose called him L.T. more often than she called him Buck. John sent him an honest to God postcard to work to congratulate him. Marco would not stop asking Buck if it was true he carried five people out of a building, sir, and was it true his hair was insured for one billion dollars? Claire, forever the voice of reason, apparently, simply smiled at him and told him the title suited him.

Tommy was having fun with it, too, to the point that Buck had to ban the title Lieutenant from the bedroom if he didn’t want to pop a boner at work every time someone called him that, simply by associating it with sex after so many times.

In and of itself, being Lieutenant didn’t change that much, but it did clearly state the hierarchy. Buck was following Sal’s footsteps. The captain’s exam was to follow, and one day when Sal moved on to other things, Buck would take over the station from him.

When Buck got the news he’d passed, he’s been ecstatic, then utterly devastated, and then happy again. He’d been so excited, Tommy with him as he read the letter over his shoulder. Then, he felt his heart seemingly break all over again when he remembered he could not share this with Bobby. But he could imagine, almost hear the way Bobby would have said, Proud of you, kid, that Buck quickly settled back into joy.

Once it had been official with the 122, Buck told Athena who full-heartedly believed that Bobby would have been proud. Then, Buck told Ravi who started teasing him just like Marco had done, and Buck decided then and there he would never introduce the two of them. That resolution would probably only last a short while before Buck decided to invite all of his friends over, and Ravi and Marco would inevitably meet. Well, worse things had happened.

He told Maddie who seemed to be overflowing with pride and excitement, and once again, he made her promise not to tell anyone else. He did feel a bit bad about making her keep pretty significant things of his life a secret, but he wanted to be the one who told others.

And then, he told his parents, and he couldn’t remember them ever being this proud of him. For a moment, he played with the thought of calling that out, but ultimately decided to let it rest. He would probably never have a regular relationship with them, but he’d worked on it, and so had they, and at this point, Buck was tired of holding onto old grudges. The past could not be changed, and the future was wonky. So far, they had done their best to be accommodating, and so, he simply told them about what would be happening at the station. Things could be okay, if nothing else.

He had sworn Ravi to the same secrecy as Maddie. He wanted to be the one who told Hen, Chim, and Eddie. If Eddie was even interested in hearing about it. He’d been texting with Hen a lot, hanging out with her every now and then. He and Chim hadn’t met one on one so far, but they spent more time together whenever Buck was over at his house, this time without the weird animosity. He hadn’t tried to contact Eddie at all, and neither had Eddie.

Things would happen or they would not, and Buck wasn’t really willing to bridge the gap between them with news of his recent promotion after Eddie had been clearly overlooked in favor of Hen. Besides, it was still up to Eddie to close the distance after everything, in a normal way like not showing up at Tommy’s home itching for a fight.

Buck wanted to tell the three of them, even Eddie, because these days, he was filled with hope that things between them could be okay. But in order for that to happen, he needed to meet up with them, probably on his own, and he wasn’t really ready to initiate that.

But as so many things, the day came. It was Hen who suggested it, saying that maybe it was time for them all to get together again. Them meaning her, Chim, Eddie, and Buck. No-one else. No Maddie or Karen, no Tommy, no Ravi to act as a buffer. Just the four of them out for drinks.

Buck really wanted to say yes. He really wanted to say no. He ended up saying yes.

He ran his worries and hopes by Tommy, pacing up and down in the living room with Odin in his arms while Tommy lounged on the couch, simply listening without giving any opinion of his own. They did that, sometimes, when one of them needed to work through something. It wasn’t about advice of any form, it was about bouncing ideas off of someone until they reached their own conclusion.

So, Buck said yes, and the day arrived faster than he wanted it to. Hen would be picking him up, and Tommy would get him later when he needed to go home. Tommy saw him off at the door with a soft kiss, wishing him a good time. Promising him that things would be okay, and if they weren’t, Tommy would be there as soon as Buck called.

With that encouragement, Buck left the house, climbed into Hen’s car, and promptly started telling her about the difference between pods of orca whales. Hen raised an eyebrow and her expression told Buck that she knew he was hiding something, but she was also kind enough not to call him out on it.

They were meeting up for drinks at a bar. As Hen told it, Eddie and Chim were already there, securing them a table and getting the first round of drinks.

Once Hen had parked the car and they were walking up to the bar together, Buck felt his nerves rise. He put a hand on Hen’s shoulder.

“Hey,” he said. “I’m gonna need a minute.” At her skeptical look, he rolled his eyes. “I’m not running. I just need to catch my breath. Enjoy the fresh air. I can reach the balcony from here, I’m just gonna be up there for a moment. I’ll be right in.”

She searched his face, but seemingly found something she was satisfied with. So, she nodded and went inside on her own while Buck stayed there. Just as he’d told Hen, he climbed the stairs on the side of the building up to the small balcony. It looked like a corner the smokers tended to use, but there was no-one else up there.

Buck leaned his lower arms against the railing, threading his fingers together. He looked out at the street, at the moving cars and the bright lights flashing through the darkness of the night. The air was pleasantly cool. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and counted to ten. He heard the door open behind him.

He paid it no mind at first, thinking it was probably someone else who wanted enjoy the air. But then, steps closed in with him, and Buck still recognized that damned step pattern. He did it for all of the 118, always able to tell who was around the corner by the sound alone.

Still, Buck didn’t move. He clenched his jaw, but took a couple of breaths again. No need to jump the gun. Perhaps things would be okay.

“Hey,” the newcomer said.

“Hi,” Buck said back.

Eddie came up next to him, leaning against the banister. Buck did look at him now. He looked like he always did, but there was something. Maybe his shoulders hung lower. Perhaps the shadows under his eyes were a little deeper. Perhaps the usual confidence that Tommy had called cockiness the last time they’d talked about it had been taken down a peg.

“Been a minute,” Eddie said.

Buck hummed in agreement. From there the conversation – if it could even be called that – fizzled out into nothing. Buck stared ahead. He wasn’t offering anything up, not yet. He could stand here all night and be silent. If Eddie wanted things to change, he would have to take that step.

Finally, Eddie seemed to find the courage to keep talking. And what he said did surprise Buck. “I’ve been going back to therapy,” he said, and continued when Buck did nothing but raise his eyebrows. “A few things happened that made me realize I needed it. Tommy said a couple of things that hit deep. He really doesn’t sugarcoat these things.”

Buck shrugged. “Well, you did show up at our house. He takes that seriously.” That, and he was a protective person.

Eddie winced. “He told you about that?”

And sure, Buck could lie. Tell him that yes, Tommy had told him. But no, it was time to put all cards on the table. “I was there,” he said. “I heard it all.”

Eddie froze. Buck bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn’t say for sure what Eddie’s plan had been, whether he’d actively wanted to hide things or whether he’d wanted to admit what had happened. No matter what, he couldn’t hide it now. What had happened, and what he’d been thinking.

“I-” he started. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I was- I was being unfair.” He sighed. “I’ve been unfair for a while now, haven’t I?”

“Yeah,” Buck confirmed.

Eddie nodded like he’d expected that answer. “I had Frank transfer me. My new therapist specializes in PTSD and grief. Apparently, those two things are often connected. Or people with one are often times also experiencing the other, I don’t know. And I started doing anger management classes.” He shook out his shoulders. “My new therapist doesn’t take any shit. Basically forced me. But I think it’s good for me.”

“Good,” Buck said. “I think it’s a long time coming.”

“Yeah. All of it, the anger management and the therapy. I should have gone back as soon as I realized I wasn’t as over Shannon as I’d thought. But I pushed it down.” He looked at Buck, eyes earnest. “I’m sorry it took until I went too far for me to start changing things.”

“I’m glad you’re doing it now.” If not for him and their friendship, then at least for Chris. He deserved a father who wasn’t chasing ghosts. Who wasn’t a hair-trigger away from yelling and screaming and throwing punches.

“I’m sorry for lashing out,” Eddie said now. “I overreacted with the groceries. I just- I said I was going to do it, and I forgot, and then you did it and I remembered and I was so mad at myself. I never really know what to do with that, so I let it out on you. And I kept going. Whenever you said or did something, no matter what, it reminded that I wasn’t doing anything for you, that I didn’t even know what to do or how to help you. I felt like I was failing everyone around me. The transfer – it just felt like I’d driven you to leave. I know it wasn’t about me, but it felt like that.”

Didn’t Buck know that too well. It looked like Eddie tended to project on Buck a lot. Like making things about himself. Looked like Eddie did that, and felt guilty for it. There was some truth in what Tommy had said – Eddie did expect people to think the same way he did. Only Tommy had been cruel in the way he’d said it, and it seemed like Eddie’s new therapist had shown him a nicer way to accept it.

“And Shannon?” Buck asked. The whole thing had been the reason for every debacle in Eddie’s life this past year, it seemed.

“I guess I never realized that I wouldn’t ever get over her. I can’t. But I can still move on. I was just always looking for something like I had with her. But I can’t find that, I never will, and I can’t keep putting that on other people.” The way he was looking at Buck, he felt like Eddie didn’t just mean his ex-girlfriends.

“And the person you met?” Buck asked, remembering the text Eddie had sent him a while ago.

Eddie shrugged. “Didn’t work out. I was too angry. I wasn’t looking for the right things.”

Which took a lot of growth to admit. They talked a bit more. Eddie actually asked about the 122. He listened to Buck, he gave his opinion on a few things. It was shaky between them. Eddie didn’t make a single catty joke the way he used to. Buck didn’t throw in his own bits of too much information.

They would probably never be what they once were. There was no way to get back to who they were when they’d first become friends, or even to who they were a year ago. There was too much bad blood at this point, and it would take a while for the last bit of the sour aftertaste to leave Buck’s mouth whenever he thought of the past. They would always be connected, but Eddie wasn’t Buck’s best friend anymore, and probably wouldn’t be his best friend ever again. And Buck realized that he was okay with it.

Despite that, it was nice to finally leave the tension behind them. There was work to be done, but it seemed like Eddie had actually put it in himself already. Sure, it was less than ideal that it had taken their falling out for Eddie to actually work on himself, but he had. He’d finally taken the right steps.

They went downstairs to the bar together in silence. Not joking and talking like they once would have done, but the silence wasn’t awkward or pressing. It just was.

Hen and Chim were waiting for them, looking like they were vibrating out of their skin. Chim was, anyway. Buck wondered how much Hen had to threaten him into staying still. They kept silent and still until Buck and Eddie had sat down. Hen threw Buck a questioning look, and he smiled and nodded at her. It seemed enough for her. He’d definitely go into detail with her later, but for now, they focused on the present.

“You have some catching up to do,” Chim said, clearly also understanding that it wasn’t the right time to ask them about whatever they had talked about yet.

Buck rolled his eyes, but took a sip of the beer that Hen put in front of him. It was what the bar seemed to have on tap. Tommy would probably be able to tell Buck everything about it by one simple sip, but to Buck, it just tasted like beer. He could almost imagine Tommy put-upon frown and the huff of breath he’d let out whenever Buck said something along those lines, and he had to bury a smile against the opening of the bottle.

“How’s Tommy?” Hen asked with a knowing grin. Buck wondered if they’d reached the point that people could tell who he was thinking of simply by the look on his face. Somehow, that made him feel settled in himself. Tommy was part of him, so permanently that people could see it on him.

Buck smiled brighter. “He’s doing well,” he said. “Really smug at the moment.”

“About what?” Chim asked.

With a sigh, Buck replied, “About something he was right about,” not yet ready to tell them the news. He needed at least one more drink for that.

“Oh, that’s the worst,” Hen groaned. “He was like that when we worked with him, too. He’d sit in the engine with his arms crossed, wouldn’t say a word, but you know he’d quirk that eyebrow at us like he was just waiting for us to tell him he was right.”

Chim shook his head with a grin. “He loved being right. Shame he was that often. I guess no-one can say anything against his experience in the field.”

“Well, looks like he rubbed off on you guys a bit,” Eddie pointed out. “You do that, too, sometimes.”

“Oh God, no,” Chim said, horror on his face as he seemingly realized Eddie was right. He turned to Buck. “You can never tell him, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Buck shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said with a grin. “He can be really convincing.”

Hen boxed him before he could give him that look, the one that he always used to pull groans from his friends. They knew what he was talking about.

“Can you ever not talk about that?” Chim groaned.

“At least wait until I’ve had a couple of drinks, then I’ll join you,” Hen said with a wink, downing her drink, reaching for another glass stood in front of her. “Teach these straights a thing or two.”

They fist-bumped.

“I’ll have you know my wife is very satisfied with what we have!” Chimney exclaimed indignantly.

Buck threw him a skeptic look. “Maddie was with one other guy before you, she doesn’t really have any reference.”

He watched with barely disguised glee as Chim sputtered and Eddie slapped a hand in front of his mouth so he wouldn’t spit out whatever he’d just drunk. Buck couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy this just as much as he’d once used to – oversharing just to see them groan and blush and hide their faces behind their hands. Hen was laughing so hard that she almost spilled her second drink all over herself.

“You’ve also only been with one man!” Chimney finally got out.

Unbothered, Buck crossed his arms behind his head. “Yeah, but I’ve had a lot of sex. Lots of kinds of sex, too. I know what’s good.”

“You’ve gotten mean,” Hen said with a delighted grin.

“Got that from Tommy,” Buck pointed out, leaning back in his seat. After a moment of consideration, he continued, “And my captain, probably.”

“Who is your new captain, anyway?” Eddie asked, and Buck remembered that he probably didn’t know Sal, either.

“Sal Deluca,” Hen answered for Buck. “We used to work with him, same as Tommy. Sal got booted by Bobby when he started out at the 118, got transferred to the 122. Looks like he stuck to his stubborn ways and made captain there.”

“He’s pretty good at what he does,” Buck said. “Really confident. The others respect him a lot.”

That led the others to ask him about his new team, and Buck readily told them about them, knowing that it would probably not be much longer until they would all meet outside of work. He felt like Rose would really like Hen and Karen, and there was a chance that Marco would take to Chim the same way he’d take to Ravi. Claire would probably eat Eddie alive.

They talked some more about work, and then about the stations. Gerrard was still at the 118, but his health was deteriorating, it seemed, and Hen was working through the last bit of paperwork to take over from him. It wouldn’t take long anymore.

“Proud of you,” Buck said, grabbing Hen around the shoulder. “It’s what you deserve. The 118 will be great under you.”

“You know, Buck, we really missed you,” Chim said now. “I’m sorry it took so long for us to admit it.”

Buck smiled softly. “I missed you, too.” He had, so much. He’d missed what they’d had, and it seemed that he was only able to get a semblance of it back when he let it go. They wouldn’t be the same as they once were, but they could still be friends, still be family. Now perhaps more than ever before.

“So, you’d be willing to come back?” Eddie asked carefully.

Buck hadn’t thought about that in a long time, but he thought about it now. He considered, entertained it, imagined what it would be like to return to the 118 and to his family. How it would be like to work under Hen as captain. Eddie would probably move onto the paramedic team with Chim taking the lead there, and Buck would be partnering up with Ravi which sounded great, all things considered. But he also imagined himself with Rose, and Claire and Marco, and Captain Deluca. He felt fully at peace when he gave his answer.

“No.”

“Wha-” But before Eddie could continue, there was a thump and he winced, and Buck assumed that it was Hen who had just kicked him in the shin.

“I really like the 122,” Buck said to explain his reasoning. “I like the team, I feel like I’ve really become part of them. And …” He trailed off, rubbing his fingertips against the nailbed of his thumb. “I-I, I-uh, I just made Lieutenant. Cap is gunning for other things, and he wants me to take over the station when it happens.” He met their eyes. “I’m gonna do it. And that’s one of the reasons why I won’t return. The 118 is never going to be my station to lead, but I want to keep moving, further my career. I think I was always going to leave at one point.”

They looked at him, stunned. He felt shy all out of a sudden, and nervous all over again. He hoped they wouldn’t suddenly revert back into the distant, rude versions of themselves that they had been for a long while.

Hen was the first to move, grabbing Buck’s shoulder and shaking him gently. “Well, when you say it like that, I get it. Congrats, Buck. You’re doing great.”

Eddie and Chim followed suit, congratulation Buck on his promotion and the future path he was treading on. He soaked it up, and his grin would not fall. This was what he’d been waiting for, hoping for. For so long. He hadn’t thought this would ever be possible again. It seemed that sometimes, in order for things to change, he needed to let them go.

Later, slightly drunk and very happy, Buck would tell Tommy all about his outing, and Tommy would look at him with those big, pretty, fond eyes and hold his hands, and he’d tell him that things would be okay. And Buck would remember what Bobby had told him, that he’d be okay. He was. Finally.

-----------------------------------------

It was years later, three of them, when Sal moved on from the 122 to become Battalion Chief Deluca, just as he had promised. Buck had known about it, but it still felt strange when the news came. Sal would be leaving the station behind and move onto other things.

That wasn’t to say that he was fully gone. He was Tommy’s friend, after all, so Buck saw him often even without working with him. He stayed in contact with the others as well, jokingly telling them to tell him if Buck wasn’t good to them and he’d be back immediately.

All of that was in good fun. Sal was definitely sticking to Battalion Chief. Tommy had the theory that Sal was going to do his best to become Fire Chief, and Buck wondered if that was a thing of possibility. A while ago, Buck would have thought that it would have been Bobby getting that title. But these days, he wasn’t sure. Sal might even have a serious chance at it.

Sal slowly guided Buck into the right direction so he could easily take over. Tommy was there to soothe his worries, and they spoke about hypothetical situations so Buck could learn in theory first how to get through them. Hen, as captain herself, offered tips whenever he needed them.

He continued his little crocheting club with the ladies. It was a nice way to decompress. Tommy sometimes picked him up, but sometimes, Tommy disappeared in his art room and did not come out until Buck was back home and physically dragged him from there.

He was closer with Hen, Chim, and Eddie now than he had been after Bobby’s death, but he wasn’t sure if he felt as close to them as he had when he worked with them. Then, there was a possibility he had felt closer to them than he had actually been. He felt good, that was the important thing. He loved his niece and nephew, he spent time with his sister. He and Eddie weren’t that close anymore, but it felt better this way. They didn’t hang out one-on-one these days, but they would meet at barbecues or go out with Chim, or Hen. Hen and Chim hung out with Tommy and Sal, or sometimes it was just Chim and Tommy. They grew back together, just like Buck had.

Ravi transferred out of the 118. Not because he wasn’t happy there, but mostly because May found her calling in becoming a firefighter, and as luck would have it, she joined her late stepfather’s station as a probie after the “tool” left. That meant, however, that Ravi and May couldn’t work together if they wanted to keep dating, and so, Ravi transferred. At first to B-shift, switching with another firefighter so Hen’s team would be filled out, but now that there was a vacancy in Buck’s team, Ravi was the newest member of the 122. It was great, because while he had been right about Ravi and Marco hitting it off too well, there was something about working together with his best friend that he’d been missing since his falling out with Eddie.

Buck got sworn in on a sunny Tuesday afternoon. He found Tommy’s eyes in the crowd, bright and pretty with fiery pride and unquestionable joy, and Buck felt the last of his jittery nerves dissipate. He was ready. It was the right thing for him.

And so, on his first shift as captain, the 122 was called to a large structure fire, one that required several houses as well as air support. Not just his first shift, but his very first call as captain. Buck thought that might as well happen, and he was more than ready.

He stared out of the windshield when they arrived, at the huge, black clouds of smoke billowing up into the sky. He could see the helicopters flitting around, and heard Tommy’s voice over the radio. A smile tugged on his mouth, despite the dire situation. There he was. Tommy had been there when he’d passed his captain’s exam, he’d been there when he was sworn in, and he was also there on his first call. Buck would almost call it fate.

Rose clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Ready, Cap?” she asked with a grin and sparkling eyes.

That would take some time to get used to, but Buck could do it. He’d done so many other things. He climbed out of the engine, the others following close behind.

He spotted the familiar number of the 118 engine close by, nodding over at the group he saw standing there.

“Captain Buckley,” Hen greeted with a smirk as he passed her.

“Captain Wilson,” he returned.

He took in the situation, he got his orders from the IC, and turned to his team, all of them looking at him expectantly. Ravi was grinning at him, and as was Rose, the two of them just waiting for him to send them out. He smiled back.

“Alright, 122, let’s move!”

And they did, following his order. There was no doubt in his voice, no insecurity.

He knew that they’d work well together, that his team was just a step behind him, ready to follow his orders as soon as he gave them. He knew he was ready and they were ready, just as much as he knew that the ring burning a hole in his pocket would soon be on Tommy’s finger. He knew it.

He still wished that Bobby could have seen him like this, but perhaps, some part of Bobby did. Either way, Buck would always carry him and his memory with him, and his encouragement.

He was okay. He was needed, and he was wanted, and he was loved.

It seemed he’d only needed another house. Another hit.