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Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen: Shout

‘So…’ Nessa said, a little grin on her face, ‘how’s it all going?’

Elphaba glanced at her out of the corner of her eye. The two of them were sitting in the audience of Shiz’s assembly hall, since it was far too cold to sit outside, waiting for the much-anticipated performance from the Choir Club. It was the final event of the (rather tiresome) Anniversary Celebration to commemorate Shiz’s establishment, and Elphaba was looking forward to seeing Galinda in her starring role. The girl had been exceptionally highly strung during the run-up, so in truth, Elphaba was also looking forward to it being over so the both of them could get some rest. Galinda had been keeping her awake at night from her frequent tossing and turning - I can’t help that I’m anxious about it, Elphie! - and, coupled with their impending midterms, spelled gigantic eyebags and short tempers. Still, they muddled along well enough. Elphaba helped Galinda with the complex lyrics to the song, which placated her somewhat, and had listened to her practice from the shower every single morning for the past fortnight. It was a good thing that Galinda sounded so angelic, at the very least. 

In short, between pacifying Galinda’s anxious energy, revising for midterms, and (begrudgingly) working on Borderlining with the study buddy from hell, Kerenza Hall, Elphaba hadn’t had much time to spend with Nessa. Or, indeed, feed her the gossip she so clearly wanted. 

‘How’s what all going?’ shrugged Elphaba, deciding to wind her up for the fun of it. 

Nessa rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, you know.’ She dropped her voice to a whisper. ‘Galinda.’

A smile passed over Elphaba’s face. Since they’d crossed the most intimate boundary of all, they were more at ease with each other. Not that they hadn’t been before - Galinda was always happy to drape herself over Elphaba and demand affection - but there was a newfound comfortability in the little things. They were softer, almost. Elphaba would brush her teeth while Galinda was languishing in the bath, or Galinda would do up the buttons on Elphaba’s shirt for her, just because she felt like it. When they changed, they did so brazenly; Elphaba had sat around in her underwear more than once, to Galinda’s delight. And their evenings - their gentle, precious evenings - were spent curled up with each other. Sometimes Galinda would squirm and whine, pressing into Elphaba’s side, and that was the universal sign that she wanted attention. Of course, Elphaba was more than happy to oblige, until the blonde was panting under her touch, flushed and warm and wet. The favour was always returned. Elphaba did not know her body could feel such pleasure before she lit up beneath Galinda's touch. They were learning more about their bodies, mapping out the likes, kissing at the freckles and stretch marks, licking silken flesh. 

In all her life, Elphaba had never been happier.

‘Well, your expression says it all,’ Nessa winked. 

‘...I can’t quite believe something like - or someone like her, I suppose - would happen to me,’ Elphaba confessed, her eyes trained on the empty stage. The twinkling blue curtains were still drawn. They were slightly behind schedule, it seemed. 

‘Considering how the two of you started off, I can’t say I blame you,’ Nessa snorted.

‘I didn’t mean that,’ Elphaba said, fiddling with her hands in her lap. She was still getting used to having short nails. ‘I meant…Well, she’s her, and I’m me. It’s still quite surreal that I get to wake up with her in my arms.’

‘You’re a catch, Fabala,’ Nessa said firmly. ‘And to be honest, Galinda is lucky you’re actually willing to be that way with her. I mean…’ Elphaba glanced at her sister, seeing the way she was chewing at her lower lip, ‘...she’s still with Fiyero, right?’

Elphaba felt her stomach twist. ‘Yes. Technically.’

‘Technically?’ Nessa snorted.

‘Well they don’t - you know,’ Elphaba said, cringing at the very thought. ‘And they haven’t really had a lot of time to spend together, since she’s been so busy…’

‘And he’s okay with that?’

‘He respects her wishes, if that’s what you’re asking.’

‘Right,’ Nessa frowned, ‘but surely he knows something is up, right? He might play the fool, but no one is that stupid.’

Elphaba’s jaw twitched. She hadn’t really spoken to Fiyero much since he’d stopped by the suite when Galinda was unwell, but he’d certainly been around. He joined them at mealtimes, his arm slung around Galinda’s waist. He’d smile and wink and compliment her at an almost erratic pace, earning awwhs! from their friends. Yet Nessa was right on the money - Elphaba could tell that he knew something was amiss. She’d watch his expression shift when Galinda ducked away from his kisses, or waved away his flirtatious comments, or swiftly changed the subject if he proposed the two of them spend the evening together. In truth, she felt a little sorry for him. He’d done nothing wrong and had been extremely respectful towards Galinda’s boundaries ever since the Ozdust.

There was hurt behind his eyes that Elphaba could see each time he interacted with his so-called girlfriend. Galinda said she’d finish with him after midterms…She really needs to make good on that promise. 

‘...Galinda will deal with it,’ she said eventually. ‘But Oz, Nessa, you saw how she reacted when you walked in on us in the restaurant bathroom. She practically seized up with panic. The situation is delicate, and she needs time to sort herself out before she calls it off.’

Nessa let out a sigh. ‘Yeah. I thought she was going to faint, the poor thing.’ She took Elphaba’s hand from her lap and gave it a squeeze. ‘You must make sure she does, though, Fabala. You deserve to be someone’s number one, you know? Not to mention how unfair it is to Fiyero himself.’

‘I know,’ mumbled Elphaba, the elation she was feeling from thinking about Galinda petering off. ‘I do sometimes tire of being her…secret. There are so many times where I wish I could just -’

‘ - Elphaba! Elphaba, where are you?!’

Both girls exchanged an alarmed look at the sound of a very distressed Milla caterwauling over the audience. Murmurs swept over the crowd, and Elphaba felt the back of her neck growing hot at the attention. She stuck her hand up, trying to make herself known, and saw Milla frantically scurrying up and down the rows. Given nearly every single member of Shiz was in attendance in the large hall, Milla was having quite a difficult time trying to find her. 

‘Oh!’ she cried, when her eyes landed on her waving hand. ‘There you are!’ She practically sprinted down to where Elphaba and Nessa were sitting and grabbed Elphaba by the wrists, hauling her to her feet.

‘Ouch,’ Elphaba complained, surprised at Milla’s strength. ‘Goodness, where’s the fire? Do I need to source a bucket of water?’

‘What?’ Milla cried. ‘Elphaba, this is no time for jokes! We have a serious situation going on here!’

‘What’s the matter, Milla?’ said Nessa, swatting Elphaba on the arm. 

Milla latched onto Nessa like a lifeline. ‘It’s just awful! Galinda won’t come out!’

Yeah, you’re telling me, thought Elphaba glumly.

‘What do you mean, she won’t come out?’ Nessa spluttered. Elphaba wondered if she was having the same train of thought, and deliberately averted her gaze so she wouldn’t catch her eye. She often would crack up if she exchanged a look with Nessa during a serious situation, especially when they were girls. She remembered her chest literally hurting from the effort of holding back her giggles when Duclibear had caught the pair of them raiding the biscuit jar and told them off.

‘I mean, she’s refusing to come out of the dressing room!’ Milla groaned. ‘Well, I say dressing room, but it’s basically just a disused classroom Tibbett commandeered for us to use between songs - you know, for a bit of peace and quiet and to fix our makeup and stuff -’

‘ - Not important, Milla,’ Elphaba interrupted, suddenly finding the situation much less amusing. 

‘Right, right,’ gulped Milla. ‘The thing is, we were due on stage five whole minutes ago, but Galinda had barricaded herself inside and won’t open the door. Crope is furious, Tibbett is having kittens, Miss Coddle keeps pestering us to ‘get the show on the road’, which makes no sense since we’ll be on a stage, but alas, and not even Fiyero has been able to coax her out! She’s the co-lead! We can’t perform without her, Elphaba!’

‘Take me to her.’ 

Elphaba’s heart was racing as she allowed Milla to drag her away, sending an apologetic look at Nessa, and her mind whirred. What if she’s hurt? Or sick? Oz, she’s hardly had anything to eat today. What if she’s fainted? What if -

‘Elphaba Thropp!’ screeched Tibbett, practically throwing himself at her the moment Milla led her backstage. ‘If you don’t get that blonde bimbo out of the dressing room and onto the stage in the next 10 seconds, I will quite literally have a stroke.’

‘What happened to ‘my most resplendent golden girl’, huh?’ said Crope. He was sitting on an upturned box with his head in his hands. He looked quite defeated. It seemed the Choir operated on a spectrum - Crope at one end, reserved in his fury, and Tibbett at the other, who was getting quite hysterical. Unfortunately, most of the members seemed to be closer to Tibbett, and were running around in a flap, feet thundering against the floorboards, clutching their music sheets to their chests. One boy was even weeping into a hankie. Theatre kids. 

‘That was before she derailed us so badly!’ Tibbett howled. ‘Oz, we’ve worked so hard, and she’s ruining it for all of us by behaving like a - a - I don’t even know!’

‘This is a disaster,’ Crope mumbled, lifting his head from his hands. A vein was throbbing in his temple. ‘I knew we shouldn’t have given that role to someone as erratic as G.’

‘Hey,’ warned Elphaba, prising Tibbett off her. She was wearing the suit Galinda had picked out for her when they were shopping - she had snuck back to the dorm to change as a surprise - and she didn’t want him to crease it. ‘Don’t talk about her like that. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.’

‘Like what?’ squawked Tibbett. ‘She knows how important this is. We have a whole audience out there waiting for us to close off the celebration!’

‘Just talk some sense into her, won’t you?’ Crope said, standing up from the box and giving it a sharp kick in frustration. ‘I’ll go and tell Miss Coddle we need a little more time to prepare and hope she doesn’t bite my head off.’

‘Come on, Elphaba,’ said Milla, taking her wrist again. 

Elphaba was led through the dark maze that was backstage, complete with hanging wires that led to nowhere, broken props, tattered costumes, and the stray mug of cold tea, until she saw Fiyero crouching outside a closed door. 

‘Darling,’ he was saying, his handsome face creased in concern, ‘open the door just a crack, won’t you? No one is cross at you. We merely want to know that you’re okay, that’s all.’

There was no response, and Fiyero pressed his palm to the door. 

‘Has she said anything?’ asked Milla, approaching him with Elphaba in tow. 

Fiyero dropped his hand. ‘No, nothing. I can hear her shuffling around in there, so I know she’s okay, but I can’t - oh. You brought Elphaba.’

There was a strange moment of tension when their eyes locked, green clashing against blue, and Elphaba’s breath hitched. Galinda might’ve been blissfully ignorant in her stomach bug haze, but Elphaba had not forgotten his peculiar reaction to the painting Galinda had done for her. Nor his persistence in wanting to take care of her, only to be shafted aside for Elphaba instead. Elphaba suddenly felt aware of herself, like she was intruding, or taking up too much space. Then she remembered that she was the one in Galinda’s bed every night, and shook herself out of it. 

‘Maybe she’ll - er - feel more comfortable talking to me,’ she said awkwardly, as Milla let go of her wrist. 

‘And why would that be?’ Fiyero’s voice was uncharacteristically sharp. As Elphaba edged towards the door, she noticed that he looked…off. He was paler than usual, and his twinkling eyes lacked their charming spark. Galinda had briefly mentioned that he’d been spending more and more time at the Ozdust with his roommate Avaric, drinking his evenings away while she and Elphaba were safely tucked up in the suite, and she guessed he was hung over. I wonder if Galinda is troubling him more than either of us have realised…

‘They’re besties, Fiyero,’ Milla said, rolling her eyes. ‘And sometimes, a girl finds it easier to talk to her best friend than her boyfriend.’ She poked Elphaba between the shoulder blades. ‘Go on. If anyone can get her to open the door, it’s you.’

‘Well, be my guest,’ Fiyero said, getting to his feet and dusting off his knees. He didn’t look Elphaba in the eye as he moved aside, sarcastically gesturing to the closed door. ‘But we both know how - ah - stubborn Galinda can be.’

Elphaba raised an eyebrow. What does he mean by that? 

‘Right,’ she mumbled, shuffling towards the door. She felt the sting of guilt when she passed Fiyero, catching the dull smell of stale alcohol leaking from his lips, and couldn’t help but think Galinda’s clear aversion to him was causing him to go off the rails a little. Then again, he’s always been the partying type. She took a deep breath, staring at the closed door, and gave it a sharp knock.

‘Galinda?’ she said, her voice firm and clear. ‘It’s Elphaba. Can you - whoa!’

In a flash, the door was thrown open. Elphaba felt a sudden pressure around the back of her neck as her collar was tugged, and before she even knew what was happening, she was pulled inside the room by a blonde blur. The door slammed shut, drowning out Milla’s shriek of protest, and Elphaba fell back against the door. It smelt of damp in the disused classroom, and the curtains were drawn. A naked lightbulb hung from the ceiling, illuminating an eclectic collection tables, broken chairs, and assortment of fabrics Elphaba assumed would become costumes, and a large mirror leaning against the far wall. Galinda was standing in front of it, trembling. She had changed into the yellow dress she’d bought when they went shopping, and it suited her. Elphaba was about to tell her how lovely she looked, until she took in her face. Galinda looked one minor inconvenience away from a breakdown. Her cheeks were flushed from tears, and her makeup was running in streaks down to her neck. 

At the sight of Elphaba, she visibly tried to pull herself together. She wiped at her face and sniffed hard, and rummaged in the bodice of her dress for a hankie. As pretty as the outfit was, it didn’t have pockets. She pulled out a scrap of green fabric - the same hankie Elphaba had given her in the bathroom a couple of months ago - and dabbed at the mascara smeared under her eyes. 

‘S-Sorry,’ she stammered, her voice so quiet that Elphaba strained to hear. 

Elphaba hated that her first instinct was to apologise. 

‘I didn’t mean to - to drag you in like that, Elphie,’ she continued, wringing her hands together. ‘I just didn’t want F-Fiyero or the others seeing me like this…’

‘Galinda,’ swallowed Elphaba, edging towards her. ‘Oz, whatever is the matter?’

‘I -’ she choked out, balling the hankie in her fist and trembling from the effort of holding back her tears, ‘- oh, I can’t do it. I can’t.’

Elphaba moved towards her and pulled her into her arms

‘Oh, my sweet,’ she murmured. ‘You’ve worked yourself up into quite the state. What is it you can’t do?’

‘The -’ Galinda’s voice jerked with a shuddering breath, ‘ - the performance. It’s too much. I k-keep going over the lyrics and f-forgetting how to say them like we practiced and then I can’t r-read them and I feel like I’m going to m-mess it up and ruin it for everyone and the whole school is going to be w-watching and -’ she took another deep breath, burying her face into Elphaba’s neck. 

‘Slow down,’ said Elphaba, stroking the back of her hair. Her hand caught against the yellow bow Galinda had tied there, but luckily, she didn’t knock it out of place. That might’ve been the final straw for Galinda’s current mental state. ‘Are you trying to tell me that you have stage fright?’

Galinda let out a whine, and Elphaba took that as confirmation. It seemed quite absurd, really. Galinda Upland was a girl who thrived off attention. She wafted around campus and practically lapped it up, waving and smiling and giggling at her adoring fans. In fact, often, she went out of her way to get it. For her to have stage fright, when performing to the crowd was the definition of undivided attention, seemed downright peculiar. Elphaba schooled her features. The last thing Galinda needed was her not taking her feelings seriously - especially as her tears soaked the collar of Elphaba’s brand new shirt. 

‘Forgive me, I’m trying to understand,’ she said slowly, still keeping Galinda close. ‘I…I thought you were looking forward to this, Galinda. You spent ages fine-tuning your audition, and you’ve been extremely dedicated to rehearsals. Not to mention that we’ve perfected those lyrics, haven’t we? You don’t even need the paper anymore.’

Galinda sniffled, shaking her head. Before she could reply, the door rattled. 

‘Galinda!’ yelled Milla. ‘Oh, Galinda, come out!’

Elphaba felt Galinda jerk in her arms at the sound of her raised voice. There was more hammering against the door, and she was reminded startlingly of the disgruntled queue-woman in The Broken Biscuit, who had nearly broken the bathroom door down when she and Galinda were ensconced inside. At least Galinda isn’t having a panic attack this time, Elphaba thought with a small sigh. Though she’s far from happy. 

‘Just open the door, won’t you?’ Milla bellowed again. ‘We’re all waiting for you, for goodness sake! Crope can’t keep coming up with excuses for Miss Coddle forever, you know!’

‘E-Elphie,’ Galinda whispered, tightening her grip around the back of her jacket, ‘please, please tell her to stop shouting at me.’

Elphaba let go of her so she could go to the door, and spoke through it in a low, calm voice.

‘Milla? It’s Elphaba.’

‘Elphaba? Then open the Oz-damned door!’

‘I’ll open it when I’m good and ready,’ replied Elphaba drily. ‘For now, would you please do me a favour and keep it down? Galinda - er - wants some peace and quiet. It’s her…ritual. Yes. Before she performs.’

‘...Her ritual?’ Milla spluttered disbelievingly. 

‘Yes. Give us five more minutes. Tell Miss Coddle she had a wardrobe malfunction or something, I don’t care. Just stop shouting, won’t you? It’s not helping anyone.’

She thought she heard Milla mutter something, but she couldn’t make it out. What she could make out, however, was the sound of her retreating footsteps. Fixing her jacket from where Galinda had been clinging on so tightly, Elphaba turned back to her and saw her frantically trying to correct her streaky makeup in the mirror. 

‘Stupid, stupid, stupid,’ she was hissing to herself. Her voice was shaking almost as much as her hands. 

‘Galinda, stop that a moment,’ said Elphaba, coming up behind her and gently taking her wrist and moving it away from her face. ‘You’re not going to be able to clean yourself up while you’re trembling so much. Come, sit.’

Galinda deflated as Elphaba led her to one of the less rickety looking tables, and hoisted herself up to perch on the edge. She held out a hand to Galinda, who took it, and she helped her up to join her. Once she was settled and in no danger of slipping off, Elphaba put her arm around her. From the way they were sitting, they weren’t facing each other, but the large mirror Galinda had been using. Elphaba watched as Galinda closed her eyes on spotting their reflection.

‘Oz, I look such a mess,’ she mumbled. ‘What must you think of me, Elphie?’

‘I think that something is quite wrong, and I want you to tell me what it is.’ 

Galinda sniffed again, looking quite miserable. ‘...I’m worried you’ll think it’s -’

‘ - I won’t think it’s silly,’ Elphaba interrupted, knowing where her mind was going immediately. Galinda never could share her emotions without first dismissing them as foolish or silly or stupid. Elphaba had to wonder why she thought she couldn’t simply feel without fear of being ridiculed for it. ‘But you have got the whole Choir Club on tenter hooks, Galinda, and Crope won’t be able to stall Miss Coddle for much longer. If I don’t know what’s amiss, I can’t help.’ 

For a moment, Elphaba was worried she’d been too stern as Galinda’s face crumpled in the reflection. Had the girl been in the grips of a panic attack, like she had been in the bathroom of The Broken Biscuit, there was no way Elphaba would talk so boldly. But she seemed relatively in control, which suggested to Elphaba that she could handle plain words rather than comfort. She’s not made of glass, afterall. Galinda has a core of steel, and when she needs to, she can handle anything. 

‘Right, well…’ Galinda trailed off, her head dropping onto Elphaba’s shoulder with a defeated sigh. ‘...I’m guessing your horrenible father never paraded you around at his various functions to schmooz the guests, did he?’

‘Huh?’ said Elphaba, confused. 

‘You know, when you were a kid and stuff.’

Elphaba had no idea what that had to do with anything, but she shook her head nonetheless. ‘Yeah, not likely. If anything, he put extreme effort into keeping me hidden from public view. Whenever he hosted parties, I was - er - kept in my room.’ She felt a pang when she thought about those endless nights as a young child, alone and, more often than not, hungry, listening to the swell of party music and muffled chattering of guests as her father charmed them to the best of his slimy ability. Sometimes, Duclibear would be able to sneak into the back wing of the large house where Elphaba’s room was with a plate from the buffet. It was a small balm to an otherwise depressing experience. When she was very small, Elphaba didn’t understand why her father would turn the lock in her bedroom door. Though as she grew up, she learnt why - I’m nothing but his shameful secret. 

‘Well, my parents like to…try and show me off.’ Galinda pulled a face as she said those words. ‘It was quite confusifying for me as a little girl. They’d get cross at me for not hitting the right notes when I sang, or if I tripped during my ballet routine, or if I couldn’t walk in the little heels they bought me. But the minute guests flocked to the estate, Elphie, it - it was like I was suddenly Lurline’s gift to Oz.’

‘Let me guess,’ said Elphaba, her hatred of the Uplands simmering just below the surface of her skin, ‘they got you to put on a show?’

She watched as a tear fell down Galinda’s flushed face. ‘You could say that. At first, I actually enjoyed it. I didn’t worry so much about what anyone would think, because I was young and adorable and happy. You can get away with a lot when you’re young and adorable and happy, Elphie. The whole world thinks you’re sweet, and they respond well. Momsie and Popsicle certainly thought so. They used me to sweeten their guests, I think. But it didn’t stop when I got older.’

Elphaba thought, suddenly, of the memory she’d seen when she cast Borderlining on Galinda. She’d been a tiny pink girl in a sea of well-dressed guests, staring and twirling around to the music flowing from Rodion’s violin. The audience had clapped and cooed, and she’d been aflush with praise and attention. Morrible said the memories that shape us are at the forefront of our minds…I suppose she really did love it, once upon a time, before it morphed into something ugly. 

‘They got me to do dance recitals, even though I quit my ballet class because Momsie said I - well, that doesn’t matter,’ Galinda said glumly. ‘They asked me to sing, even when Rodion wouldn’t look me in the eye after what happened with Stefan. And once, they demanded I play the piano to impress the guests.’

Elphaba raised an eyebrow. ‘I didn’t know you could play the piano.’

‘I can’t,’ Galinda groaned, shifting to bury her face into Elphaba’s armpit. ‘I mean, not well, at any rate. I had a few lessons, but I found it terribly difficult. I certainly wasn’t good enough to play to a crowd, but Momsie and Popsicle didn’t listen to me. Like always.’

‘Ah.’ Elphaba was starting to understand. It wasn’t that Galinda didn’t like attention - Oz knows that she basks in it - but rather the act of performing in a more rigid setting. It was one thing to sing down the corridors on a careless Friday morning, and quite another to stand on a stage, in front of a sea of faces, and try to impress every single one of them. After all, there was a distinct difference between having attention, and being the centre of it. 

‘I messed up. Badly.’

Elphaba gave her a moment to gather herself. She felt her quivering into her neck, more wetness from her tears soaking her shirt, and she wanted nothing more than to hail a carriage, race down to Frottica, and force Highmuster and Larena to face up to what they’d done. Can’t you see?! she wanted to shout. Can’t you see how much damage you’ve done to her, your only daughter? She can’t even enjoy her club activities without shaking from nerves! Have you really poisoned every aspect of her life? Elphaba’s nostrils flared, and she rubbed her hand up and down Galinda’s bare arm. 

‘...They were so angry at me, Elphie,’ murmured Galinda, her voice thick from tears. ‘They said I’d done it on purpose to - to ruin their party. That I was nothing but an embarrassment to them. And I - I know I frequently disappoint them, but I was only a teenager, and I didn’t know how to play the stupid piano, so I told them that it was their fault for making me do it for their guests, and they -’ Galinda flinched, as if experiencing the memory all over again.

‘They what?’ Elphaba swallowed, her blood running cold.

Galinda drew back from where she’d been hiding her face, and wiped at her eyes with the heels of her palms. ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter. It was a while ago. I just -’ her breath hitched with a residual sob - ‘since then, I’ve really struggled to - to do that sort of thing for a crowd. I had my ways of coping - Oz knows my parents still like to shove me into the spotlight to the delight of their guests - and I thought I’d be o-okay to do this for the Choir. But then I saw the audience, blinking up at the stage and waiting, and I’m just - I’m terrified I’m going to mess it up and make everyone c-cross at me.’

Elphaba was at a loss. Stagefright wasn’t something she ever expected of Galinda, though she could obviously understand where it stemmed from, given Galinda’s experiences. No wonder she’s worried about it, if her parents reacted so harshly to one little screw up. She also didn’t know what she could say to make it go away, much less persuade Galinda out of the room and onto the stage. Milla would be back soon enough, likely with an irate Crope. They didn’t have long enough to try to deal with it.

‘Just the thought of it is making me feel sick,’ Galinda whispered. She was pressing her face into her hands. ‘I really figured I could handle it. Oz, I sang for some of Popsicle’s business associates just last summer - though I did throw up before and after.’ She let out a bout of muffled, almost hysterical laughter. ‘But the whole school is out there, Elphie. I don’t want to embarrass myself. Oh, I don’t want to ruin it all. I’m such an idiot for even signing up to it knowing how worked up and foolish I can get -’

‘ - Galinda, stop talking about yourself like that,’ Elphaba interjected, a little louder than she meant to. ‘You’re not an idiot. You signed up for Choir Club because you love to sing, for goodness sake, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’

‘But I should’ve known that it would end up like this.’ 

‘I think the fact that you’re still trying, despite everything, is actually quite admirable.’

Galinda lifted up her head. Her eyes were wet and red. ‘...Oh, I don’t know, Elphie. I think I just got caught up in everything and forgot how rotten I would feel.’

‘Singing is your hobby. There is no reason you shouldn’t try and put yourself out of your comfort zone in its name,’ reasoned Elphaba. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because Galinda’s expression soured in the reflection of the mirror. 

‘Yeah, but not at the cost of other people,’ she muttered, drawing her arms around herself. Her nails dug into the soft flesh of her arms, and Elphaba didn’t like how hard she was doing it. ‘Milla, Crope, Tibbett, the whole choir - they’re all relying on me, and I’m messing it up for them. That - that isn’t fair.’

‘Then what can I do to make it better?’’

Elphaba’s words hung heavily in the air. More tears leaked from Galinda’s eyes, and her body trembled even more against Elphaba’s side. She sucked in a small, shaky breath. ‘I - I don’t know.’

‘Do you want me to talk to Crope? See if someone could do it in your stead?’

‘No, I - I don’t want to let him down. And no one else knows my part, anyway.’

‘Galinda,’ sighed Elphaba, ‘then what do you want me to do? You can’t stay in here forever. The show must go on, as you say.’

Galinda eyed just about tripled in size, and she shrunk away from Elphaba. ‘Why…why are you getting cross at me?’

‘My sweet, I’m not,’ Elphaba said, willing herself to keep her patience. It wasn’t that she was finding Galinda exasperating for her anxiety, but she was feeling under pressure. She knew Crope had a temper. She knew he would not take well to Galinda derailing them further, and she also knew that Galinda probably wouldn’t be able to handle it. ‘I’m just trying to come up with a solution, that’s all.’ She swivelled on the table, one foot on the ground, to face Galinda. She took her wrists and peeled her arms away from herself, wincing when she saw the red marks her nails had worked into the crooks of arms. ‘Listen…I know you don’t feel it, but you know this material like the back of your hand. You sound beautiful. You say you’re worried about the lyrics, but you can recite them in your sleep. You don’t need to read them. There’s no way you’re going to screw up after all that extensive preparation.’

‘Elphie, you can’t know that,’ she sniffled. ‘What I freeze up? What if I forget everything? What if -’

‘ - How about this, then,’ Elphaba interrupted, taking her hands to stop her from spiralling. ‘You look for a focal point. Something to keep your mind occupied. Sort of like what your granny taught you when you needed to come down after your night terrors. Remember you told me about it?’

Galinda worked her lower lip between her teeth. ‘...What, when she told me to name five real things?’

‘Exactly like that,’ nodded Elphaba. ‘But you needn’t have five. Just one. One real, palpable thing you can look at from the stage.’ She squeezed her hands tighter. ‘You can do this, Galinda, I know you can. I have faith in you.’

Galinda’s lips parted just a hair. Her teary eyes shimmered in the low light. 

‘You…you really think that?’

‘Oz, of course I do. I’m not quite sure whether you know it or not, Galinda, but you’ve the voice of an angel. You can’t go too wrong with that, can you?’ She gave her a gentle nudge, and was relieved to see that she had raised a smile. 

‘I’m still so scared, though,’ she mumbled, looking down at their intertwined hands.

‘I know you are,’ replied Elphaba. She freed one of her hands and gently cupped her face, her thumb swiping at stray tear. ‘But you’re going to be amazing.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

‘Because you’re not the sort of person to give up so easily, Galinda,’ said Elphaba. ‘You waver. You falter. Sometimes, you even stumble. But you always see it through to the end.’ She kissed her cheek, tasting the salt there. ‘And, you know, everyone in that audience is on your side. Your parents aren’t watching. There’s nothing to be afraid of.’

Galinda’s throat bobbed. ‘...Everyone, hm? Even Kerenza and Avaric?’

Elphaba could tell from her tone that she wasn’t being serious, and she smirked. ‘Ah. Well, no need to concern yourself with those two worms. You’re way too good to lower yourself and indulge in their impish opinions.’

Galinda let out a watery laugh. ‘I certainly won’t be focusing on them as my real thing, I can tell you that much.’ She sniffed again, snotty and thick, and looked a little embarrassed. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. I’m a bit of a mess. I feel so bad that you’re constantly having to reassure me and - mmphf!’

She was cut off when Elphaba kissed her. It was brief, it was sweet, but it was full of truth. 

‘I will reassure you as many times as you need, you silly old thing,’ she said, when they parted. ‘It’s not a bother. It never will be.’

Galinda pitched forward and wrapped Elphaba in a hug. Elphaba almost toppled off the table at the sudden weight, but she held steady. She didn’t really want to move. She’d have happily stayed, in that dusty classroom, with Galinda in her arms, until she had hugged all of her pain away. If only such a thing was possible, then perhaps we’d both heal. Unfortunately, there was another knock at the door. This time, it was Fiyero.

‘Darling?’ he called, and Elphaba cringed. ‘Um, Crope has said you need to be on the stage in the next three minutes, or Miss Coddle is calling the whole thing off. Can you open the door?’

Galinda let out a whine, easing herself out of Elphaba’s warm embrace. ‘I think the lesson here is to ensure the principle performers have understudies, no?’

Elphaba let out a laugh. ‘Too right. Come on, let’s fix your makeup - though somehow, you’re really managing to pull off the whole I’ve been crying for the last half an hour and resemble a skunk look rather well.’

‘Elphaba!’ Galinda shrieked, slipping off the table and whacking her on the arm. ‘A skunk? You could’ve at least picked a more charming animal!’

‘I picked it because of the black around their eyes,’ Elphaba grinned, as Galinda scurried to the mirror and started fixing her face.

‘I know!’ she howled. ‘But there are much cuter creatures! Like - like badgers! Or pandas!’

‘Fine. You look like a disgruntled little badger, and you’re still irresistible to me.’

She watched in smug satisfaction as Galinda turned pink in the mirror. As she was wiping off the smeared makeup and reapplying from the emergency stash she had in her bag, Elphaba opened the door. Fiyero had apparently been pressing his ear to it, for he let out a yelp and stumbled forwards onto his knees.

‘Ouch,’ he complained, getting to his feet.

‘Sorry,’ muttered Elphaba, not meaning it. ‘Everything is sorted. You can report back to Crope that Galinda will be joining them imminently.’

Fiyero poked his head around Elphaba’s shoulder to spot her, and an expression of relief crossed over his face. ‘Good, that’s good. Though Crope and the others are busy getting into position. Curtain up in -’ he glanced at his watch, ‘ - one minute. You’d best find your seat in the audience, Elphaba.’

‘I’d rather wait to make sure Galinda has everything she needs.’

‘I can do that.’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘Milla asked me backstage first.’

‘And then she asked me because you weren’t getting anywhere.’

The two of them glared at each other for a moment, until Fiyero schooled his features. He held up his hands.

‘Fine. We can both wait. Then we can sit together, if you want.’

‘I’m already sitting with Nessa,’ replied Elphaba.

‘Then I’m sure there’s room for a little one,’ Fiyero shrugged. He straightened the front of his shirt - he had dressed well for the Anniversary Celebration, much like Elphaba had - and called out to Galinda.

‘Are you ready to dazzle the school, my darling?’ he beamed. Elphaba watched as Galinda quickly dashed over, fussing with her hair. She had done away with the lyrics sheet, and Elphaba took that as a good sign that she was feeling much more confident. 

‘Yes, yes, I think so,’ she gulped. ‘Um - was Crope terribly irate?’

‘No more than usual,’ Fiyero winked. ‘Now, break a leg. I’ll give you a kiss for good luck.’

Galinda didn’t have time to react before Fiyero planted a swift kiss on her lips, and she squeaked and recoiled. Fiyero flinched in surprise. 

‘Oh!’ he said, taking a few steps away from her. ‘I’m sorry, Galinda, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just thought I’d give you a little good fortune.’ He poked his tongue out, and Elphaba wanted to hit him.

‘No, it’s fine!’ Galinda said hurriedly, looking anywhere but Elphaba. ‘Um, it was - nice. Yes. Nice. T-Thanks.’

Fiyero looked at her oddly. ‘...Er, you’re welcome.’ He offered out an arm to her. ‘Shall we go?’

Galinda’s eyes finally landed on Elphaba, and she gave her a guilty look. ‘Um, yes. Okay. Shouldn’t keep them waiting any longer.’ She went to take Fiyero’s arm, but hesitated. Elphaba could picture the cogs turning in her brain, creaking from the effort of weighing up options and implications, before she hesitantly leaned into his side and intertwined their arms. Elphaba’s nostrils flared, trying not to take it as a rejection. She’s been put on the spot. I can’t get angry at her for that.

Yet, she still felt the sting of irritation as she trailed behind them towards the stage. Crope spotted them and looked like he was going to faint from relief.

‘Oz, it’s about time!’ he hissed, grabbing Galinda’s wrist and hauling her towards the gathered choir. ‘Get into position before I plant my foot up your backside, got it?!’

Galinda squeaked and leapt to attention. Before she could run off and join Tibbett at the front centre of the formation, Elphaba grabbed her hand. The blonde’s palm was slick with sweat due to her nerves.

‘Remember what I said,’ Elphaba said hurriedly, ‘about having something to focus on. Something to calm you.’

Galinda’s eyes widened. ‘Oh, I don’t - I don’t know what to pick.’

Elphaba suddenly didn’t care that Fiyero was in earshot. She also didn’t care that Crope was planning to throttle her, judging by his expression, nor that the stage manager - Asherton - was miming the ten second countdown. 

‘Then just - just look for me in the audience,’ she said, as Crope grabbed her arm and yanked her out of Galinda’s grip. ‘I won’t be hard to spot. Focus on me, and only me. Pretend it’s just us. You can do it, my sweet.’

A blush rose high on Galinda’s cheekbones, and her eyes sparkled. She gave her a swift nod, before she ran over to her starting position, and Crope shoved Elphaba towards the wings. 

‘Get off the stage!’ he shout-whispered, just as the orchestra started up. Elphaba froze, but soon felt Fiyero’s hand on upper arm, and they both sprang out of view just in the nick of time. The curtain was up.

Elphaba didn’t even stop to acknowledge Fiyero, her face burning at the nickname slip-up, but she caught sight of his face. He looked both bewildered and hurt, a frown furrowing his brow. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but Elphaba had already bolted. She had to get to the audience. If she was to be Galinda’s focal point, then she needed to be there. 

*

The rush of a very successful performance scorched through Galinda’s body. The applause, the praise, and the adoration went straight to her head. And somewhere else, too. The moment she was able to steal Elphaba away to the quietest place she could find - that being a deserted corridor with rare footfall - she pushed her against the wall and kissed her. 

‘Galinda - ?!’

She cut off Elphaba’s adorable squeak of surprise, prising her lips open with her tongue and burying herself within her warmth. Elphaba always tasted wonderful, like she’d just had a sip of herbal tea, and Galinda couldn’t get enough of her. Everything about Elphaba made her burn. The fact her mere presence in the audience was enough for Galinda to calm down and deliver the perfect performance, free from anxiety, was quite extraordinary. I’ve only known her for a few months, yet she already knows exactly what to do and say to make me feel better. 

At some point during their heated kiss, Galinda became aware of what Elphaba had on. Given she’d been in the grips of an anxious spiral when she first saw Elphaba before the performance, she hadn’t really registered the suit she was wearing. It was the dark purple ensemble Galinda had chosen when they went shopping, and it somehow looked even better the second time around. Oh, Oz, she’s so hot. Suddenly feeling warm all over, Galinda pushed herself deeper into the kiss, hips bumping, chests pressing, and she heard Elphaba let out a tight breath. Green hands found her waist, nails digging into the yellow fabric of the dress, and Galinda just about bit back a moan when she felt Elphaba’s tongue poking against the insides of her mouth, hot and wriggling. 

‘Galinda, you -’ Elphaba panted, when they parted for air,  ‘ - you were absolutely resplendent. The whole audience was in total awe of you. You could hear a pin drop -’

‘ - Elphie, that’s very nice of you to say, but I don’t care about any of that right now.’ She parted her legs slightly and trapped Elphaba against the wall, reconnecting their lips, and felt a flutter of triumph when Elphaba released a little moan. The girl was usually so reserved. It was a genuine pleasure whenever she writhed under Galinda’s delicate touch.

The triumph was quickly swallowed up when she felt Elphaba’s leg pressing between her thighs.

‘Oh, Oz -’

She broke the kiss and buried her face into Elphaba’s neck, breathing heavily. 

‘You okay?’ Elphaba smirked, her voice dripping with smugness.

Galinda took the time to look up and glare at her. ‘Yes, Elphaba, I’m fine. I’m just reeling from the fact that you snuck off to put that damned suit on.’ She gripped lapels and let out a shuddering breath, trying to get a hold of herself. 

‘About time you noticed.’ Galinda could tell from her tone that she was grinning. ‘I wore it especially. You did say I ought to put in the effort for the Anniversary Celebration.’ She dropped her head until her lips were right by Galinda’s ear. ‘Though really, I put the effort in for you. Considering your reaction to it in the changing room, I thought you might appreciate it.’

‘Elphaba Thropp, you are a terror,’ Galinda mumbled.

‘Maybe so. But I’m not the one pinning you to a wall.’

Galinda lifted her head from Elphaba’s neck, somewhat reluctantly, and pouted. ‘What, you don’t like the attention?’

‘Of course I like the attention,’ said Elphaba. ‘Though perhaps it would be best not to do this where someone could stumble by. We don’t want a repeat of Nessa and the bathroom.’

Galinda didn’t move. She was staring at Elphaba with an almost hungry gaze. She thought of how reassuring and calming she had been before the performance, of how she had come up with a solution without making her feel like a fool, and of how she had made a point of listening to her about wearing the suit, even though they’d discussed it two weeks ago. Oh, I wonder what I did to deserve her? 

Throwing caution to the wind - most people were still in the great hall as the celebration wrapped up - Galinda kissed her again. Elphaba stiffened for a moment, likely out of concern, but soon fell back into it. In fact, she responded with gusto, pressing her leg harder and deeper between Galinda’s thighs, and Galinda choked on a small moan. She could already feel herself getting wet. It was almost absurd, really, how little it took for Elphaba to unravel her. Though the green girl in question wasn’t made of stone. Galinda had quickly learnt that she melted whenever she kissed at her neck, so she did just that, and Elphaba shuddered against the wall. 

‘G-Galinda, seriously -’

‘ - Hm?’ she said, feigning innocence as her tongue licked over Elphaba’s pulse point.

‘We should - go somewhere - private,’ Elphaba managed to stutter out, her grip around Galinda’s waist tightening. 

‘Oh?’ smirked Galinda. ‘And why might that be, dear Elphie?’

‘B-Because - ah!’ 

She was cut off when Galinda’s teeth latched onto the soft skin of her neck, sucking a bruise to the surface, and Galinda relished in the little noise that escaped her throat when she did it. She loved marking Elphaba. It was like a secret claim, something only they knew about, and - if she was being honest - she found it funny that Elphaba would have to keep her scarf on to make sure they were covered. 

Elphaba responded, of course, but shoving her leg up against Galinda’s throbbing core. The whine that tore from her echoed in the corridor, and she couldn’t help herself as her hips jumped, and she pushed herself down against the warm weight until her underwear was grinding on Elphaba’s leg. She looked down, face burning at the sight of the purple fabric being swallowed up by the yellow ruffles of her dress. She could feel how wet she had gotten. And she was certain Elphaba could, too.

She was right. 

‘We should find somewhere more private,’ Elphaba repeated, her lips upturned in a devious smile, ‘before you make a mess of my lovely new trousers.’

‘Oz damnit,’ Galinda panted, pressing her face back into the crook of Elphaba’s neck - her favourite place to be, apparently. ‘I think you might be right. I’m assuming you’re fine to miss the rest of the festivities?’

‘And get you instead? Yeah, fuck the festivities.’

Galinda laughed, stepping away so Elphaba could move. She adored it when Elphaba swore. It sounded so peculiar coming from her lips - and it only really happened when she was getting hot under the collar. Her collar which, Galinda noticed, was stained with her lipstick. She let out another giggle.

‘What’s so funny?’ asked Elphaba, as the two headed towards the suite, hand in hand. 

‘Just that you’ve been in that suit for a grand total of two hours, and I’ve already managed to mess it up a little,’ Galinda winked. 

Elphaba paused, looking down at her trousers. ‘Did you? I know you’re all wet, but I don’t see any -’

‘ - Not that!’ Galinda yelped, her face reddening. ‘I meant your collar, Elphaba! I got some of my lipstick on it.’

Elphaba picked at it curiously. ‘Oh, it’ll come out in the wash. But I’d best get changed sharpish - wouldn’t want anyone spotting it and jumping to any conclusions.’

While her tone was cool, Galinda - being an acute people-reader, as she called it - picked up on the undertone of displeasure. She bit her lip. She knew Elphaba was likely cross because of Fiyero’s brief kiss, but didn’t say anything in the moment. She also knew, despite their agreement that Galinda could wait until after midterms to end things with him, that Elphaba was finding it harder and harder to keep her famous temper in check. It was as if the more their relationship developed - both physically and emotionally - the deeper it became. And the deeper it became, the harder it was to keep quiet. 

Galinda could understand that. Most days, she wanted to shout about their relationship - if I can call it that? - from the rooftops, so all of Shiz could know about them. Given Kerenza was still sniffing around Elphaba like a disturbingly flirtatious dog, the pressure was growing. Both girls were fighting with their possessive instincts against two individuals who had absolutely no idea about how close they truly were. Best friends. That’s what Fiyero and Kerenza think about the two of us. No danger. Not a threat. 

How she wished things were not so complicated. How she wished she could be like Crope and Tibbett, though minus the arguing, since she hated raised voices, and could kiss Elphaba in the mess hall over breakfast without worrying about what everyone would think. How she wished she could be like Pfannee, though minus his fickle heart, as he announced a new crush on a handsome boy every other day. How she wished she could be like Kerenza, even, though minus her disastrous hairstyle and cruel attitude, as she so blatantly flirted with another girl - even if the girl in question belongs to me. 

It wasn’t that simple, of course. Though it was a pretty dream. 

When they reached the suite, Elphaba unlocked the door and guided Galinda in by the hand. 

‘We’ve got a quiet evening ahead of us,’ she said, shrugging off the suit jacket in such a way that made Galinda press her thighs together. ‘...What’s say we make a bit of noise, hm?’

~~~

‘Oz,’ groaned Galinda. ‘Get on the bed, Elphaba.’

‘Bossy, bossy.’ 

But Elphaba did as Galinda asked, as usual. Grinning, her green eyes were trained on Galinda as she hurriedly pulled off her shoes, and pounced. Elphaba caught her, wrapping her arms around her waist as she straddled her lap, letting out a languid sigh. They held each other for a long moment, relishing in the warmth, before Galinda gave up trying to control herself and rolled her hips against Elphaba’s lap.

‘You look so good,’ she purred, one hand on the back of her neck, the other going to loosen the necktie. ‘I’d say you should wear this kind of stuff more often, but I fear no one on campus would be able to concentrate ever again.’

‘Is that so?’ Elphaba smirked, as the knot of the tie was pulled low enough to expose the buttons of her collar. Galinda popped them open eagerly, exposing more of her neck, and immediately attacked the skin with her mouth. Elphaba gasped, her head craning backwards, and Galinda bit. A low, husky moan slipped from Elphaba’s lips, and it made Galinda all the wetter.

‘God - I could - do this all day,’ she said between licks and nips. 

‘The suit is really doing it for you, huh?’ Elphaba said, her voice rich with arousal. 

‘It’s not just the suit. It’s the girl who’s in it.’ Galinda finally got the tie free, and held it up in the air with a triumphant flourish. ‘Ha! At last!’

‘At last what?’ Elphaba snorted, eyes crinkling with affection.

‘I can get this shirt off you,’ replied Galinda with a beam. ‘As good as you look in it, I’m much more excited to see what’s underneath.’ She went to throw the tie over the side of the bed, but Elphaba caught her wrist.

‘Not so fast, my sweet,’ she purred. 

‘What? Why not? Elphie, I want to touch you -’

‘ - I know. I can feel how eager you are,’ she smirked, thrusting her hips up a little and nudging the heat between Galinda’s legs. ‘...That tie might be the secret to a good suit, true, but it could be used for something else entirely.’ 

Galinda frowned at her. ‘I don’t get it.’

Elphaba’s lips turned up in an amused smile and took it from her. ‘Let me show you, then. But if you don’t like what I’m doing, just tell me, and I’ll stop.’

‘O-Okay…’

‘Then put your hands behind your back.’

Gulping, Galinda did as Elphaba instructed, and gasped when she felt the soft fabric of the tie being wound around her wrists.

‘Oh, Elphie,’ she shivered, melting into her lap.

‘Is this alright?’ Elphaba asked. Her eyes were hooded with lust.

‘Yes.’

Galinda tried not to squirm too much as Elphaba secured her wrists behind her back. The fabric was tight around her skin, but it didn’t pinch. Elphaba seemed to have a suspicious knack for knot-work. Galinda decided to point it out.

‘Where’d you learn this, hm?’ she said, as Elphaba gave her wrists an experimental tug to make sure she wouldn’t come loose. ‘Let me guess - you read some obscure book about knots in your free time. Tell me, Elphie, can you make different shapes? A little butterfly, or - ah!’

She was cut off from her teasing when Elphaba, hands now on her waist, shifted their positions until her thigh was shoved between Galinda’s legs, as it had been in the corridor. Galinda groaned and flopped forward, catching herself against Elphaba’s marked neck. She wasted no time, unhindered by her bound hands, and began to rock herself backwards and forwards against the muscle. 

‘You should be grateful that I can tie a good knot, Upland,’ said Elphaba. She started unbuttoning her shirt, and Galinda groaned when she caught sight of her bra. Elphaba was one for plain underwear, but she somehow managed to make it look incredible. Galinda, even without her hands, tipped forward enthusiastically and pressed her face against her chest.

‘T-Take off your bra, won’t you?’ she said, her tongue racing along the border between skin and fabric. ‘Let me - let me just -’

‘ - Oz, how can a person still be so bossy even in this position?’ said Elphaba, but her hands found the hooks of her bra, and she sprang it open. 

‘Fuck. So goregous. You’ve no idea…’

Galinda let out a hot puff of air, before her lips found one of Elphaba’s hardened nipples and sucked. Elphaba wasn’t as sensitive there as she was, but Galinda took that as a good thing - it meant she could use her teeth without fear of it being too much for the other girl. And, oh, how she loved to use her teeth.

‘G-Galinda - oh - f-feels so - yes -’ Elphaba panted, hands back on Galinda’s waist, arching into her chest.

‘Feel what, Elphie?’ Galinda hummed, a dark nipple rolling between her teeth. 

‘Feels good.’

Galinda was a dedicated and attentive lover. She relished in every pleasurable sound she could tear from Elphaba’s lips, lips that were usually quiet, reserved, even prickly if she had to engage in conversation with someone she didn’t well like. To make her whine, to whimper, to moan, was the best music to Galinda’s keen ears. She was also competitive. Elphaba had bound her hands, indeed, but she didn’t need them to make her unravel. She just needed her mouth. 

‘Where do you think you’re going?’ asked Elphaba, amused, as Galinda wriggled in her lap.

‘I’m trying to - ugh - move down so I can -’

‘ - Uh-uh,’ Elphaba tutted. ‘You’re going to say right where you are.’

‘Elphie, you’re not being fair,’ Galinda whined, still trying to (unsuccessfully) shimmy down Elphaba’s body so she could reach where her mouth most wanted to touch.

‘This isn’t about being fair. This is about finishing what you started in the corridor, because you got all hot and bothered about everyone praising you for the performance.’

Heat flooded Galinda’s cheeks. ‘I - that’s not -’ She ducked her head away from Elphaba’s delighted smirk. ‘ - It’s not just that, Elphaba. It’s - it’s you, how lovely you were in he dressing room, and - and, this fucking suit.’ She writhed against Elphaba’s leg, feeling the soft, purple fabric rubbing against her clothed sex.

‘That’s it,’ Elphaba encouraged, her now short nails digging into Galinda’s waist. ‘Take what you need.’

‘Fuck, Elphaba, fuck,’ Galinda groaned. ‘But what if I make a m-mess of your trousers?’

‘Then we clean them.’ Elphaba’s voice had lowered. She leaned forward and brushed her lips over the shell of Galinda’s ears. ‘Oz, you’re so hot like this, Galinda. So perfect. Keep going. Do what you wanted to do earlier, now no one is around to hear you.’

A high-pitched whine slipped through Galinda’s lips, and she felt heat spreading down through her lower stomach. Sweat beaded on her temple. She moved faster, allowing Elphaba to guide her movements. Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards. Up and down. Up and down.

‘I can feel how wet you are, my sweet,’ growled Elphaba. ‘Just like I felt you in the corridor. Oz, you’re driving me insane. So desperate for me, aren’t you?

‘E-Elphie,’ whined Galinda, flushing.

‘I’ll take that as a yes. I wonder how quickly I can get you there, hm?’

‘You - you’re so cocky,’ was Galinda’s stuttering reply. 

‘For good reason. It doesn’t take much, does it? Always so responsive for me. So good.’

Galinda’s body felt like it was turning to jelly, and she surrendered fully, giving Elphaba the control she so clearly wanted to execute. She didn’t have time for her usual arguing. She groaned as she felt Elphaba lifting her up and down, rubbing her wetness all over her clothed thigh. The soaked fabric of Galinda’s underwear suctioned to her, and she bit her lip, almost embarrassed were it not for Elphaba’s sordid encouragement.

‘You’re being unusually cooperative,’ murmured Elphaba, eyes sparkling. 

‘I - yes, yes - I want to - so I can touch you -’ squeaked Galinda, closing her eyes.

‘Touch me how?’

Galinda’s eyes fluttered open as she took in Elphaba’s dark, heady expression. ‘You - you want details?’

‘Mmhm.’

‘Fuck, okay, fuck,’ Galinda stammered, her hips jerking uncontrollably as she felt her clit squash against Elphaba’s thigh. ‘W-Well…the tie, I’d use the tie.’

‘The same way I’ve used it on you?’ Elphaba asked, nosing at her neck and planting a wet kiss there.

‘Not quite,’ Galinda said. She was finding it difficult to focus. ‘I - I’d want to…blindfold you. Let you really feel everything I’m doing to you, without you knowing what I was going to do next…’

Elphaba’s head craned backwards at the words, a little moan bubbling up from her throat. She was still working Galinda’s hips so she moved up and down, up and down, making her squirm and writhe and whimper.

‘Would you like that, Elphie?’ Galinda panted. ‘Would you let me have my way with you? Do whatever I want?’

‘...Yes,’ Elphaba whimpered. Galinda’s eyes drifted down to her lap, where one of Elphaba’s hands was creeping to the waistband of her trousers - trousers which, no doubt, were soaked with Galinda’s wetness. 

‘I’d take my time…’ Galinda continued, her legs twitching as her clit caught against the sopping fabric again as she rode Elphaba’s thigh faster and faster. ‘...I’d keep my touch ever so light. Until you’re writhing. Desperate. Begging.’

Elphaba’s nostrils flared, her hand disappearing into her trousers. ‘Me, begging? That would make a change.’

‘Elphie, you -’ 

A desperate, keening wail broke from Galinda’s lips as Elphaba’ jerked her thigh up, adding pressure to the already raging furnace between Galinda’s legs.

‘Fuck - f-fuck, Elphie, I n-need - ah! Yes!’

‘Are you close, my good girl?’ murmured Elphaba. Her voice was ragged as her own hand moved faster and faster, in time with her thrusts up against Galinda. 

‘Y-yes - fuck - fuck - you k-know I am,’ Galinda admitted, taking it upon herself to grind down against Elphaba’s leg with each thrust, push and pull. 

‘I knew it wouldn’t take long,’ Elphaba smirked, triumphant. ‘I can feel you. I can feel you dripping down my leg. Fuck. I can smell you. Are you desperate? Do you need to come?’

‘Ah!’ Galinda cried, as Elphaba thrust her thigh up at just the right angle. ‘Yes - yes - Oz, y-yes, please -’

‘So needy for me,’ Elphaba purred. ‘Poor thing. Has this suit really riled you up that much?’

‘Elphie - p-please - I c-can’t - please!’

Elphaba removed her hand, going to wrap loosely around Galinda’s neck. Galinda could feel the wetness on her fingers, could catch the scent of her, and she groaned low in her throat. She wanted nothing but to taste her.

‘Fuck, Elphaba - m-more.’

‘Still so damn bossy,’ sighed Elphaba.

‘Oz, you know I’ll make it worth your while,’ Galinda panted. She wished she could grab onto Elphaba’s shoulders. Her fingers twitched in want. 

‘I know, pretty girl,’ Elphaba smiled. ‘And it’s always worth the wait.’ With that, she increased the pace, and Galinda immediately forgot her train of thought. She was teetering on the edge with Elphaba’s hurried and harsh movements, practically slapping her sex against her thigh. Lewd, wet sounds squelched from the mess between Galinda’s legs, but she hardly found herself caring. She was going to come just like that, hands bound behind her back, fully clothed, whining and whimpering and riding Elphaba’s leg as fast as she could. 

‘E-Elphie, oh,’ she moaned, throwing her head back, desperate to touch her, wrists struggling in their constraints. ‘I’m - you’re gonna make me - fuck, I’m so -’

~~~

There was a sharp knock at the door.

Galinda locked eyes with Elphaba, second away from being sent into a mind-blowing orgasm, and she immediately halted her hips. A ragged moan died in her throat, and her whole lower body tensed with the effort of keeping herself under control.

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ she whined, pitching forward and collapsing into Elphaba’s bare chest. She got a whiff of Elphaba’s perfume mixed with her sweat, and it did absolutely nothing to help the heat raging between her legs. She could feel her wetness soaking her inner thighs.

‘Just - just a moment!’ Elphaba called out, her voice shaking. ‘Shit, Galinda, we need to -’

‘ - Go away!’ Galinda snapped, and Elphaba snorted with laughter. 

The intruder did not go away, much to Galinda’s extreme irritation. All she wanted was to finish herself off - and then finish Elphaba, too - before settling down for a nice, relaxing evening. 

That was not going to happen.

‘Galinda!’ came Fiyero’s voice, and her stomach dropped. She hadn’t seen him after the performance - she’d hurried off with Elphaba as soon as she could - and now, she was one wrong move away from coming on Elphaba’s thigh with her so-called boyfriend right outside the door.

‘F-Fiyero, could you - um - come back later?’ she said, her voice strained.

‘Nooooo!’ he protested. He sounded like he’d had a little too much of the complementary wine Miss Coddle had ordered for the celebration. ‘I need to talk to you! Your mother - hicc - has sent me the most delightfully kind letter. I want to - hicc - discuss it with you.’

Elphaba’s mouth fell open, while Galinda’s blood went cold. ‘Shit, is he drunk?’

‘I - I don’t -’ 

All the arousal she was feeling had well and truly vanished. Dread replaced it. The letter…Oz, I completely forgot that Momsie was going to write to him and invite him home over Lurlinemas! 

Elphaba worked fast as Fiyero banged on the door. She untied Galinda’s wrists and threw the tie under the pillows. She then slipped her off her thigh - frictionless because of the wet stain on her trousers - and jumped to her feet.

‘Right, I’ll go in the bathroom and get changed,’ she said hurriedly, helping Galinda to her feet. ‘He can’t see me like this. You deal with him.’

‘But - my underwear is soaked -’

‘ - Darling, what’s keeping you?!’ hollered Fiyero.

‘No time,’ Elphaba said tersely, grabbing her bra and her shirt. ‘Just - get rid of him.’

Galinda smoothed down the front of her dress, hoping she didn’t look as flustered as she felt, and threw open the door just as Elphaba disappeared into the bathroom. She could tell immediately from the flush on his cheeks that he had indeed been drinking, though the whiff of wine confirmed it when he barged past her and into the suite.

‘Fiyero, what are you -’

‘ - Ahh,’ he sighed, flopping down on her bed, rumpled from her and Elphaba’s activities. Galinda prayed she hadn’t somehow dripped onto the duvet. ‘Your bed really might - hicc - be the most comfortable in all of Shiz.’

Galinda slowly closed the door, wearing a frown. She was about to go and get him a glass of water, until she remembered that Elphaba was currently in the bathroom. 

‘How much have you had to drink?’ she asked quietly, walking over to him. She wanted to ask him to move. She was quite precious about her bed, and only wanted one other person in it. 

‘Oh, a couple of - hicc - glasses,’ said Fiyero.

‘More like bottles.’

‘Think nothing of it, darling,’ he dismissed, waving a hand in the air. It was then Galinda noticed he was clutching a letter embossed with the Upland Family seal, and felt her hands start to tingle with nerves. Fiyero saw her looking. He sat up, grinning, and grabbed her wrist. 

‘Fiyero - !’

She landed against his chest with a soft thud. For one very, very horrible moment, his leg briefly slipped between her thighs by accident, but she acted quickly. If he felt the mess there - the mess Elphaba had caused - Galinda didn’t know what she would’ve done. She shoved herself off him with an indignant huff. 

‘Don’t pull me like that, Fiyero,’ she said, perching on the end of the bed and crossing her legs. She shivered when she felt the dampness of her underwear. 

Fiyero looked a little guilty. ‘Sorry, sorry. I’m just pleased to see you. Feels like we - hicc - haven’t really spoken much. And,’ his grin returned, and he held up the letter, ‘I am also pleased by this! Your mother sure sang my - hicc - praises. Practically insisted I join you and your family for the winter break.’

Galinda had started to sweat a little and prayed she didn’t look as sickly and clammy as she felt. Fiyero, even in his tipsy manner, gazed at her with a patience and fondness that made her feel ten times worse. Steeling herself, she watched as he flipped open the letter.

‘Your mother writes…a lot,’ Fiyero said, blinking at it. ‘And half of it was singing my praises. A wonderful ego boost - hicc - but it took a while to get to the point.’

‘Yes,’ Galinda sighed, picking at the thread details stitched into her duvet, ‘she has a tendency to do that. Sometimes I think she has too much time on her hands.’

‘Be that as it may, the entire affair rather seems like her idea rather than yours.’ He said it with a bluntness that surprised her. The alcohol must be making him bold. It's certainly making him talk louder than normal. She swallowed again. 

‘What do you mean?

‘I mean,’ Fiyero said, tapping the letter, ‘that it doesn’t read as if you put her up to it.’

‘Why would I put her up to it?’ squeaked Galinda.

‘Because - though it seems to have escaped your notice - we are dating, Galinda. I wondered if you were too embarrassed to ask me home yourself, so you implored your - hicc - mother to do it for you. Though judging by the tone of her letter and your expression,’ - he lifted her chin with his finger - ‘that isn’t what happened at all, is it?’

Galinda bit her lip, her fingers still plucking at the threads of the duvet. ‘I…I’m sorry I’ve not been as attentive of late. I suppose Avaric had a point, didn’t he? We haven’t - I mean - you know -’

‘ - Galinda,’ interrupted Fiyero, ‘I didn’t come here to ask for sex. Though it would be nice, you know.’

Galinda flinched at his words, feeling heat in her face. I suppose I could…just sort him out - no! What am I thinking?!

‘I came to ask you whether you really want me to come back to Frottica with you,’ Fiyero continued, oblivious, ‘or whether this is a scheme your mother has devised on her own behalf. Because I’d like to, Galinda. I want to - hicc - see where you grew up. Meet your granny and the rest of your family. It seems like the natural next step, doesn’t it?’

‘Um…I guess?’ Galinda mumbled. Her hands were cold and clammy. 

‘Then again,’ said Fiyero, ‘I wondered if it was something your mother came up with just to fulfil her own agenda. Having a prince at one’s function is a mighty impressive thing, after all.’

Galinda blinked at him. ‘She - she told you about the party?’

‘She told me everything,’ Fiyero nodded. ‘It seems less of an invitation for a cosy Lurlinemas get-together for me to meet your family, and more of a social call to boost her own standing as well as yours simply by having me on your arm.’

Galinda was, admittedly, quite surprised. She had underestimated Fiyero’s intelligence and ability to read between the lines, it seemed. She looked down at the letter in his hand. 

‘I - I’m sorry if she made you feel that way, Fiyero,’ she said. ‘Momsie has an extraordinary habit of tailoring people for her own needs. It’s almost a talent, actually.’

‘That aside,’ said Fiyero, ‘I take it you don’t want me to spend the festive break with you at your estate, do you?’

Galinda froze, her breath catching in her throat. Fiyero spoke without malice, but his words panicked her. She hadn’t expected him to be so forward. In her mind, she was the one bringing up the awkward topic, finding an excuse to keep him at arm’s length without hurting him, and he being none the wiser. Instead, he’d picked up on the fact that something was wrong.

‘Listen, it’s - hicc -  alright,’ he said softly, no doubt catching her alarmed expression even through his hazy mind. ‘It’s a big step to visit one’s hometown, and we really haven’t been dating all that long. Besides, my own mother would throw a fit if I didn’t return to her over winter break. I have my own duties to attend to in the Vinkus as its prince, after all.’

Breathing slowly through her nose in an attempt to compose herself, Galinda finally lifted her eyes and looked at Fiyero properly. He was almost painfully handsome, gazing at her with an endearing tenderness that would take anyone else’s breath away. In another life, she thought to herself, perhaps I’ll feel what nearly everyone else feels when they see those eyes of his.

         ‘I - it’s not that I don’t want you to,’ she said quickly, which was partly true - she’d have loved Fiyero to visit as a friend. ‘I just…it’s as you said. It’s a big step.’

Fiyero placed his hand on her knee. ‘Yeah, I thought as much. Though to be honest, I do want to go, if you’ll let me. It’s not like the Vinkus celebrates Lurlinemas, after all. Maybe I could split my time, hm? Half the break - hicc - with you, and then half at home to see my parents. How does that sound, hm? Best of both worlds!’

Galinda felt a panicked lump in her throat. ‘Oh! I - um - I mean, I’d have to run it by Momsie. She, as you said, wants you there for the party. I - I don’t know whether that falls before or after Lurlinemas day.’

‘Well, you find that out!’ Fiyero beamed. His smile quickly faded, though. Galinda could see him trying to think and find the right words through all the wine he’d drunk. His eyes were focusing on something over her shoulder, and she turned. He was looking at the painting she’d done for Elphaba, of Elphaba, and she pressed her lips together as a sickly guilt washed up from her gut. That, coupled with the wet spot she was not certain hadn’t leaked through to her dress, now she was sitting down, made her feel rotten to her core. 

‘Oz, Galinda…’ Fiyero trailed off, brow furrowing

‘W-What?’ she asked, her heart hammering painfully in her chest. 

         Fiyero let out a long sigh, running a hand through his tousled hair. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way, but - well, you said it yourself: we haven’t spent much time together. And I don’t mean sex. In general. Oz, it hardly feels like I’ve - hicc - seen you. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s - this - is what you want. We became an item so hastily after all,’ - he let out another nervous laugh - ‘though I can’t say I regret it, nor our first night at the Ozdust. I suppose I just…’ his words failed him again, and he fiddled with the letter in his hands. 

         Galinda was finding it harder and harder to breathe. Fiyero was presenting her with the perfect opportunity to call it quits - not necessarily to tell him about Elphaba, of course, but to give her the freedom to choose her if she wanted to. But when she looked at him, she could see real, solid evidence of something to appease her parents. Fiyero was kind. He was safe. He was a wonderful prospect, even if she didn’t love him the way he deserved. But it’s unfair of me to keep him tethered if I can never feel that powerfully for him, she thought, working her lower lip between her teeth. 

         ‘...Fiyero, it’s not that simple,’ she managed to choke out. ‘I - I know I’ve not been around much, but I’ve just been so busy with midterms revision and choir and Elphie -’

         ‘ - Yes, Elphaba,’ muttered Fiyero. ‘I know you two are - hicc - close. She was a real lifesaver today, wasn’t she?’ He rolled his eyes, and Galinda felt a flicker of annoyance squabbling with her guilt. ‘I do wonder why she seems to dislike me so intensely, you know. I’ve been nothing but nice to her since she got here.’

         Galinda's chest tightened. ‘She’s…got walls up, that’s all. It takes a while to break them down. I - we are close, yes. I’m aware that she’s been monopolising my time of late, and I’m sorry for that.’

         ‘You’ve got the wrong end of the stick,’ Fiyero said, abandoning the letter and taking her hands. ‘I am not asking you to spend less time with Elphaba. I’m asking whether you want to spend time with me, Oz-damnit. Because from where I’m sitting, it seems like you don’t want to. And I want to know why.’

         Galinda’s breaths were coming in shorter and faster, and she did everything she could to calm herself down, clutching onto Fiyero’s warm hands like a lifeline. How she wished they were Elphaba’s. 

‘I - um - I just -’ she spluttered on a breath, trying to get a hold of herself. ‘I do want to spend time with you. I do. There’s just this - this pressure, I suppose, to - to keep up with it all. Friends, school, my parents…and you.’

         ‘Galinda,’ said Fiyero, squeezing her hands almost angrily, ‘I never want you to feel any pressure with me. You know that. And I can understand why you might feel as if your obligations are overwhelming, but a relationship shouldn’t be that way. You shouldn’t feel that you have to spend time with me. Least of all to please others.’ 

Galinda pressed her lips together. If there was a time to call it quits, it was now, in that second. Fiyero had practically offered her an out. All she had to do was reach out and take it. But when she looked down at their hands, gripping so tightly together - and no matter how much she wanted them to be Elphaba’s - she couldn’t help but think about her parents’ reaction. She thought of Lucian Steen. She thought of her mother striking her across the face for missing her chance and embarrassing the family. She thought of her father throwing his glass and yelling at her so loudly that she, for one horrible moment, thought he was going to hurt her. To push Fiyero away, in that pivotal moment, to write home and tell her parents that she’d called it off, that she ruined it again, that she allowed a dashing prince to slip through her fingers, would only lead to more pain. More pressure. More guilt. And so, without really thinking about what she was doing, she kissed him. 

         I can still taste Elphie on my lips. 

         Fiyero responded with gusto for a moment, before his hands found her waist and he coaxed her away.

         ‘Slow down a moment,’ he said. ‘We need to finish our conversation.’

         ‘Do we?’ Galinda said, batting her eyelashes, but Fiyero didn’t budge.

         ‘Galinda,’ he said firmly, ‘you’re clearly avoiding the topic at hand. Fuck…’ his jaw clenched, and she hated how cross his looked. ‘...Look, I’m just going to - hicc - say it. Call it liquid courage. Do you even want me?’

         Another chance. Staring her in the face. Galinda had to take it. She had to. Not only for Elphaba’s sake, but for Fiyero, too. A kind, dashing gentleman who had been nothing but respectful, comforting her when she needed it, and giving her the space to breathe and talk if she wanted to end things. 

         But she didn’t.

         ‘Fiyero,’ she whispered, placing a hand on his chest, ‘you don’t have to worry about a thing. I’ll still want you when I come back. I’m sorry I’ve not been around, but I believe me…’ she planted another kiss on his lips, feeling his heart rate pick up, ‘I want you.’

         She expected him to melt under her touch, as everyone always did. But to her shock, he leaned away from her. 

         ‘You don’t need to prove anything to me,’ he said, his blue eyes filled not with lust, but with concern. ‘Galinda, please…’ He gently cupped her face. ‘Please don’t feel obliged to do anything with me just because of what your parents want. I’m still fine with taking it slowly. That doesn’t bother me.’ He withdrew his hand. ‘But what does bother me is this feeling in the back of my mind that our relationship isn’t really what you want.’

         Do it, do it, do it!

She let out a high-pitched laugh. ‘Oh, don’t be so foolish, Fiyero. Of course it’s what I want. We’re just perfect together, aren’t we? I…I couldn’t be happier!’

And she kissed him again. 

In moments like that, Galinda quite often slipped out of her own mind. It was a subconscious defence mechanism that she couldn’t even remember inventing. It just happened. She’d let her body take over, touching where she thought it ought to, making noises she figured the other would enjoy, and whispering words she guessed would please the listener. She would lie back, let hands roam, grope, pinch. She could become utterly numb to it, if she wanted. 

Sometimes, she would think about other things. Make lists in her head. Try to remember every single pair of shoes she had stacked on the rack, and in which order. Recall the names of distant classmates she hadn’t seen in years. Guess at their birthdays. It never mattered if she was right or not. She’d never find out either way. Though then she would make up the answers, agreeing or disagreeing with her guesses, debating whether one girl was a summer baby or a winter baby, depending on their disposition. She could argue with herself, if she wanted.

And all the while, the hands, the mouths, the touching continued. If she wasn’t being loud enough, she could make her throat hoarse. If she wasn’t saying the right words, she could pull from her catalogue of encounters past, testing the waters until she extracted something truly delicious. If she wasn’t being firm enough, confident enough, bold enough, she would toss her hair and giggle and say oh, then you just show what to do! 

Doing what boys wanted was not difficult for her. It did not matter whether she wanted it, of course. Didn’t matter if she cringed at wriggling tongues, pressing fingers, hurried breaths against her neck, biting in the wrong places, leaving sour residue on her skin. No, what mattered was that she was ensuring they enjoyed themselves. Anything to keep up the pretence. A numb mind, a numb body, was better than an exposed one. Whether or not she curled up into a ball and cried later, when she was alone, when it was dark and safe and she was scrubbed raw from a scalding shower, desperate to free herself of the stench, did not matter. Whether or not she questioned what was wrong with her for countless nights also did not matter. So long as they get what they need from me. She had done it time and time again. 

So, when Galinda felt Fiyero’s lips on her neck, sucking a bruise to the surface of her pale skin, her mind went somewhere else. It was frighteningly easy to let it wander. Midterms start in a fortnight. I ought to work on a revision timetable. Goodness knows what Momsie and Popsicle would do if I failed. She felt his warm, clammy hands pawing at her chest over her dress. I suppose I need to start thinking about Lurlinemas presents, too. There’s lots of people to buy for, since I’ve made so many new friends. She felt his palm riding up her thigh, pushing up her dress, exposing the bear skin. And I really need to pack. It always takes me ages to decide what to bring. It’s a good thing Granny is making me a new frock for the party, so I don’t have to worry about that - though I hope I’ve shed enough weight to fit into whichever measurements Momsie has conjured up. She felt his rough fingers gently probing between her legs, and she parted them to give him better access. I must ask for the guest list, too. No doubt Momsie has already curated it, and it’s important to - 

‘Wow…’ Fiyero breathed, his breath hot against her neck as he met the still-damp fabric of her underwear. ‘You’re pretty excited, aren’t you?’

And Galinda’s mind snapped. 

Elphie, Elphie, Elphie -! What in Oz am I doing?!

Without thinking of how Fiyero might take the rejection, Galinda froze and flinched away from him, snapping her legs shut and quickly readjusting her dress. 

‘Wait, I - I’m sorry, I just -’ she spluttered, gripping her arms around herself. ‘Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t -’

‘ - Whoa, easy,’ Fiyero said, scooting away from her. ‘Galinda, I thought - I mean, you’re the one who started kissing me so heatedly, so I thought -’ he took a breath, composing himself. Galinda saw the growing bulge in his trousers, and almost seized up with panic. ‘...It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything.’

Her eyes darted up to his. How rare it is to hear those words. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Just give me a moment and we can -’ 

‘ - Stop saying sorry.’ Fiyero had gotten to his feet, brushing his lap as if he was trying to coax away his semi. ‘I - hicc - I think I should go.’ He took the letter. ‘We can iron out the details about winter break once you’ve heard back from your mother.’

Galinda nearly burst into tears when he turned to leave, feeling as if she’d disappointed him, and lurched forward to grab his wrist. 

‘Fiyero, fuck, I’m sorry -’

‘ - Galinda!’ His voice spiked, and she flinched. ‘Galinda, please, you don’t need to keep apologising. You’ve done nothing wrong. But I’m quite drunk, turned on, and I’m not about to make you do something you’re not ready for. Let me go and deal with it, okay?’

‘You’re…you’re not cross?’ she whimpered. 

Fiyero turned to look at her properly. His nostrils flared in a long, heavy breath. ‘...No, I am not - hicc - cross at you, darling. How could I be, when you’ve done nothing amiss?’

But I have! she wanted to shout. I’m keeping you around because I’m nothing but a coward, when you could be with someone who deserves you! 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?’ He freed his wrist from her grip and kissed her forehead. 

Without another word, he saw himself out.

*

Given Fiyero’s state of inebriation, he had been talking even louder than usual. Loud enough for Elphaba to hear every word from the bathroom. Her heart was thundering in her chest. She had frozen with one arm inside her shirt, the shirt Galinda had watched her strip off. And now, she was just behind the door, agreeing with her so-called boyfriend that he could go back to Frottica with her over the holidays. Even though she had asked Elphaba - something which meant the world to her, since she so often spent it alone. A lump had erupted in Elphaba’s throat.

She tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. She knew Galinda did not operate very well when she was put on the spot, least of all when it came to Fiyero, and she released a shaky breath through her nose. She can always tell him there’s been a change of plan once she’d had a moment to process. He did spring it on her, after all.

But then, she heard more. She heard Galinda telling Fiyero that she wanted him. That they were perfect together. And still, Elphaba tried to reason with her whirring mind, biting back the hurt that was clawing up her throat. She had gotten used to making up excuses for the mistreatment she received at the hands of others. Well, she would tell herself when she was little, you are a bit of a know-it-all. That sort of thing puts people off! When she reached adolescence, she would ponder In fairness, I do often lose my temper. It’s no wonder I’ve alienated myself. Even at Shiz, when she endured the cruel comments and judgemental stares during her first few weeks, she would say, I am green, after all. They’ve not seen anyone like me before, so they’re bound to have some sort of reaction.

It wasn’t healthy. She knew it wasn’t. And she knew her excuses for Galinda’s attachment to Fiyero were wearing thin. But they had a plan - before the holidays, and after midterms, Galinda would call it quits. It was only November. There’s still time.

Of course, any and all excuses disappeared when Elphaba heard a high, sweet, distinctive whine. 

No. No, no, no. Surely she isn’t - 

But she was. Elphaba could hear it. Could hear the rustle of clothes as Galinda no doubt grabbed the front of Fiyero’s shirt, like she had done to Elphaba’s not half an hour ago. She heard a soft, foreign grunt from Fiyero, and sickness scorched up her throat. For a moment, she thought she was actually going to be sick. It was only when she heard Galinda gasp and spew out a panicked string of apologies did she realise that no, she’s not going to cross that line with him. And her relief got all mixed up with the stinging horror she was feeling. The image of them kissing and pawing at each other scorched in her mind, and she pressed a hand over her mouth. Her skin felt tight. Her head felt stuffy. And her eyes felt hot. Just give me a moment and we can…Can what? Was Galinda willing to go further with him? Elphaba nearly punched the wall. 

The moment she heard the sound of the suite door closing, she burst out of the bathroom. 

Galinda was quivering on the bed, her arms wrapped around herself. She looked up at Elphaba as she walked over, slowly, disbelieving, and her eyes were shining with tears. 

‘Elphie…’ Her voice was a fragile whisper, full of shame. Elphaba didn’t respond. Words failed her, because it was then she saw it.

There was a red mark on Galinda’s neck. One she certainly hadn’t put there. Her blood went cold.

‘Galinda…’ she croaked, hands clenching by her sides. ‘You and Fiyero…What did you -’ she cut herself off, hardly able to comprehend that Galinda was on the same bed they had sex in, wearing the same beautiful yellow dress, the same ribbon, now slightly askew, in her golden hair.

‘I -’ Galinda choked, her voice trembling, ‘I’m s-sorry, Elphie, I just - I -’

Elphaba recoiled, taking a few hurried steps back. That unpleasant tightening shot across her chest again, a combination of pain and shock and betrayal, because the evidence was there. It was one thing to hear it through a door, to speculate, and another to see it in the flesh. Or rather, on the flesh. She stared down at Galinda, eyes glued to the bruise Fiyero had sucked on her neck. She doesn’t let me leave marks. 

‘P-Please,’ Galinda stammered, releasing her hold over herself up and wringing her hands together. ‘It - I tried to - but he -’

‘Did he force himself on you?’ Elphaba’s voice came out cold and harsh, but there was an undercurrent of panic in her tone which betrayed how suddenly worried she’d become. Because surely Galinda wouldn’t have wanted to touch him like that, given what she and Elphaba had? Surely that’s why she had been apologising so much? Because she was panicking about having to reject his drunken advances? 

But Galinda shook her head, gripping her hands together so tightly that her knuckles went white. ‘N-No, of course not. He wouldn’t.’

Elphaba’s relief was quickly overtaken by her growing horror. ‘...So?’

‘We didn't do anything,’ Galinda said quickly. ‘I - I mean, not really. We just - we were kissing - um - touching a bit - but he didn't t-touch me the way you -’

Elphaba let out a bark of incredulous laughter, interrupting Galinda's rambling and making the girl flinch in surprise. 

‘Oh, so that makes it all okay again?’ she snorted. ‘Just because he didn't get you off?’

Galinda’s face turned pink. ‘I - no, that isn’t what I -’

‘ - What happened, then?’ Elphaba demanded, her voice wavering. ‘He gave you the perfect opportunity to call it quits! Oz, Galinda, he practically offered you an out. I heard! How could you -’ she broke off, feeling her eyes growing wet. 

‘Elphie,’ Galinda whimpered, tears starting to fall freely down her flushed cheeks, ‘please, you have to listen to me. I - I didn’t m-mean to -’

‘ - Oh, so you accidentally told him that you wanted him?’ Elphaba interrupted. She was aware of how much her voice was rising, but she couldn’t help herself. It was taking everything in her not to break down crying. ‘Did your lips just happen to press together? And those hands of yours, they just so happened to touch him? Is that it?’

A flicker of anger briefly passed over Galinda’s distraught face. ‘Don’t - Don’t make it sound like that. I just - I had to appease him, to make him see that I still wanted him so he wouldn’t -’

‘But you don’t want him!’ Elphaba snapped. Galinda squeaked and recoiled. ‘I know you don’t! And you told me that you’d - that you’d not kiss him or -’ Elphaba took a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself. But she felt so hurt. Galinda reached forward to take Elphaba’s hand, but the girl snatched it away from her. 

‘Elphaba, please,’ Galinda said desperately, her eyes wide and frantic as she watched Elphaba’s face contort in grief. ‘It’s not what you think. You’re right - I don’t want him, but I - it’s all so complicated and delicate and -’

‘ - Galinda, stop making excuses!’ 

Galinda startled backwards into the pillows, staring at Elphaba in shock. 

‘Oh - I’m sorry -’ groaned Elphaba, pinching the bridge of her nose. ‘I’m just really failing to understand what is actually complicated about this. You don’t want to be with him. You don’t want to touch him. You say that you want - that you want to be with me. So what’s so difficult, Galinda? What in Oz is holding you back?’

Galinda snivelled, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘You know what’s holding me back. And I - I do want to be with you, Elphie, and only you. But I just - we can’t exactly be…public about it, can we?’ She mumbled the last part, as if ashamed to admit it.

Elphaba gritted her teeth together. ‘Galinda, I have never once asked you to go public with me. That’s something we’d both need to discuss, given where we come from. But what I did ask you was to just - just call things off with him. To pick me.’

‘I have picked you!’

‘Then why are you still with Fiyero?’

‘Because!’ Galinda cried. ‘Just - because it’s not so easy for me, Elphaba! I can’t just - just cast him aside when he’s so - so -’

‘ - Let me guess,’ Elphaba interrupted with a snarl, remembering what Galinda had said, ‘he’s simply too perfect. He’s precisely what you need, isn’t he? A handsome, wealthy prince you can take to your parents’ stupid parties and show off to the upper echelons of so-called high society. Because that’s all that matters to you, isn’t it? Your precious image.’

More tears leaked from Galinda’s eyes. Her voice was ragged and raw from the effort of choking back her sobs. ‘E-Elphaba, that isn’t fair. You know why it’s important to me. I’ve explained myself. It’s not so easy to m-make that choice. You know that.’

‘Choice?’ Elphaba spluttered. ‘You want to talk to me about choice? I never even had one!’ She could feel the tell-tale tingling of magic working its way through her system, and she breathed quickly through her nose, working to contain it. She didn’t want to lose control. ‘I couldn’t choose my image over anything ever since I came out green, Galinda!’

‘Which is exactly why you don’t understand!’ cried Galinda, sobs wracking through her body. ‘You have no idea why it’s so hard for me to - to have to make that sort of decision. I know it sounds stupid, but -’

‘ - It’s not just stupid,’ Elphaba interrupted, not letting her finish. ‘It’s selfish. You’re stringing Fiyero along, making him think that he means something to you, that you actually want him the way he so clearly wants you. Not to mention what it’s doing to me, Galinda. Has that even crossed your empty little mind, or is it so hard for you to think about other people since you’re so wrapped up in yourself?’

Galinda’s mouth fell open, staring at Elphaba with a mixture of hurt and anger. ‘I - you can’t just - I’ve already tried to explain that it isn’t so simple!’

‘No!’ Elphaba exclaimed, magic sparking just beneath the surface of her skin, but she kept a hold of it. ‘It is simple! It’s as clear as day, and I’m a damn fool for not seeing it coming. You’re never going to let Fiyero go and you’re never going to choose me over your self-image, are you? Because to you, in all your shallowness, that’s all the matters. Not Fiyero. Not me. You. And I’m…I’m sick of it, Galinda.’

‘Why are you being so cruel?’ Galinda whimpered, trembling and sniffling as more tears dripped down her cheeks. ‘You know the sort of p-pressure I’m under. And I tried, Elphie, I promise you I did. But I just -’ she interrupted herself with a sobbing hiccup ‘ - I’m so scared. I’m scared all the time, and when it mattered, I - I couldn’t do it. But I - I promise I’ll tell him not to go back to Frottica with me.’

Elphaba had actually forgotten about that little issue, and felt like she’d been slapped all over again. For she’d already started thinking about it. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d spent the winter break with someone, always rattling around the empty corridors of the house and waiting for Duclibear to swing by, her duties limited with Frexspar and Nessa out of town. And so, she had conjured up an image - a winter with Galinda. Waking up warm and safe. Sharing meals. Finding inventive ways to avoid her ghastly parents. Making her smile and giggle despite the pressure they exerted on her. She had even come up with the perfect present for the girl. She had been so excited.

How stupid I am, to dare believe I’d experience something so precious. 

‘Oh, don’t you worry about that, Galinda,’ Elphaba muttered through gritted teeth. ‘I’ll make it easy for you.’

Galinda let out a pitiful sniffle, staring at her with wide, fearful eyes. She almost looked like a child. 

‘W-What do you mean?’ Her voice was a whisper, like she already knew the answer.

‘You let Fiyero go back to Frottica with you, because I certainly won’t be.’

Galinda let out a sob that almost made Elphaba want to bundle the girl up in her arms, had she not been feeling so hurt and angry herself. She might’ve been able to forgive Galinda for not ending things with Fiyero in that pivotal moment, since they did have a plan, but to touch him that way? To let him touch her? Galinda had broken the conditions. She’d moved the goalposts. She told him that she wanted him. And how much further will she go to prove it? The entire thing felt like a betrayal - especially after their activities in the very bed Galinda was crying on presently. 

‘Elphie, no, please,’ she wept, reaching out again, but Elphaba stepped away from her. ‘I’m s-sorry, I’m so sorry, but you - you said that you would c-come home with me and I -’

‘ - And you said you’d end things with Fiyero,’ Elphaba spat. ‘Seems like neither of us are any good at keeping our word.’

‘Please,’ Galinda sobbed. ‘Please, I w-was so looking forward to it, Elphie, I - I want you to be there with me. I want you. Do you hear me? I want you.’

The words would've meant something, if she hadn't just said the same thing to Fiyero.

‘Clearly you don’t want me enough,’ Elphaba said shakily, pressing her lips together. ‘Because if you did, you wouldn’t have touched Fiyero like that.’

‘I already t-told you, we didn’t really do anything -’

‘ - There is a fucking love bite on your neck, Galinda!’ Elphaba exploded, finally losing her fraying patience and letting her voice echo around the suite. ‘Are you really going to sit there and tell me that it doesn’t matter? That it’s totally okay for you to kiss him and let him do that to you? Where’s the damn line, huh? What if he wants more? Are you just going to lie there and take it?!’

Her words settled like dust in the space. She could feel the blood pulsing in her ears, could hear her raised voice echoing back at her, and between it all - the anger, the shock, the pain - she realised that Galinda had gone very, very quiet. She was shaking badly, draining of colour, and slowly, surely, she reached up and pressed her hands over her ears. 

‘I -’ she stammed, before a guttural, terrified sound erupted from her lips. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’

Elphaba was breathing hard. A sharp headache spiked across the back of her skull from the effort of holding back her magic. She stared at Galinda as the girl shook violently against her sheets, crying uncontrollably, her chest rising and falling as quick, panicked apologies spluttered from her. 

‘I’m sorry - I’m sorry - I’m sorry -’

Elphaba had a feeling Galinda wasn’t apologising to her. The girl was terrified. Oz, what does she think is going to happen? 

‘Galinda, calm down,’ she said, with none of her usual warmth. 

But Galinda was not listening. It was as if she had gone somewhere very far away.

‘Galinda.’ Elphaba approached the bed, but the blonde shrunk back, making herself small, her hands still pressed over her ears.

‘P-Please -’ she whimpered. ‘Please, please don’t shout at me again. D-Don’t shout at me.’

Elphaba froze. ‘...Okay, I won’t. I promise.’

‘Don’t shout at me,’ she repeated, clearly not hearing Elphaba from her hands over her ears. She had squeezed her eyes shut, too. Elphaba could tell that she was trying desperately to regulate herself, her breathing fractured but growing more controlled, and she remained rooted on the spot, staring. She didn’t know what to do with everything she was feeling. She was still furious with Galinda for what she had done, and hurting badly. Yet she couldn’t stand to watch Galinda crumble and not help her. 

‘You’re okay,’ she said softly, approaching the bed. She sat down, trying to banish the image of Fiyero sitting in her stead, and put her hands around Galinda’s wrists. They were reddened slightly from the tie earlier. It was almost comically absurd how suddenly things had shifted. Galinda tensed at the touch, but let Elphaba lower her hands from her ears.

‘I’m not going to shout at you,’ Elphaba said, her voice thick with unshed tears. ‘Okay? I’m not going to shout at you.’

Whimpering, Galinda nodded. She was twitching from the effort of controlling her panicked gasps. Elphaba had to put everything aside, just for a moment, to bring her back down from wherever she had gone. 

‘Breathe with me, like we practiced,’ she said. Normally, she would take Galinda’s hands to ground her, but even touching her wrists made her wince with an aching sadness, for she could only imagine her touching Fiyero. ‘In for five, out for five.’

The blonde nodded frantically, her hands fisting in the ruffles of the yellow dress Elphaba thought her so beautiful in. 

‘Good,’ she said, watching as Galinda tried to follow along with her. ‘That’s good, Galinda. Just focus on your breathing. You’re safe. Concentrate.’

‘I -’ she gasped, but Elphaba shook her head.

‘Don’t talk right now. Focus on your breathing, like I said, otherwise you’ll spiral.’

Was she being too harsh? No. She’s lucky I’m even helping her at all, given what she’s done.

Silently, Elphaba watched as Galinda followed along with her steady breathing, gripping her dress so tightly that her knuckles had gone white. Her eyes were puffy and red, her hair ruffled. Did Fiyero do that? Did he run his fingers through it? Did he do it too hard, startle her? Is that what made her stop? How far would she have gone? Pressing her lips together, Elphaba’s eyes couldn’t help but latch onto the bruise on Galinda’s neck. The incriminating mark, something she herself was never allowed to leave somewhere visible. She felt such a fool, standing there in the suit Galinda liked so much, that made her feel so beautiful and confident when she wore it, while the girl she wore it for had a love bite on the neck from someone else’s mouth.

In a way, Elphaba was glad she was breathing along with Galinda, otherwise she might’ve snapped and let her magic unleash. 

After about five minutes, Galinda calmed down enough to try and speak.

‘Um -’ she croaked, wiping at her eyes with the heels of her palms, ‘...I’m s-sorry, Elphie. I just - when people yell at me, it -’

‘ - Reminds you of your parents?’ Elphaba said flatly. ‘Yeah. Join the club.’ She had lost count of the number of times Frexspar had shouted at her, getting in her face, spittle flying into her eyes. While he had never laid a hand on her, she always thought that he might. 

That he wanted to. 

‘Y-Yes,’ whimpered Galinda, closing her eyes. She never likes to look at me when she admits something bad about her childhood. Elphaba knew it was because she felt ashamed. ‘I - you know how Popsicle would smash glasses sometimes, a-and that Momsie would -’ she cut herself off, still unable to tell Elphaba the whole truth. ‘...I suppose it just, um, sets something off in me. Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t do that on purpose to - to derail our conversation.’

Despite it all, Elphaba felt a flicker of sympathy for her. ‘I know you didn’t do it on purpose, Oz, Galinda. I’ve seen you have enough panic attacks by now to recognise the signs.’

Galinda swallowed, a pink tinge dusting over her face. Still embarrassed about it, even after everything we’ve been through. ‘...Right. Sorry.’

‘Are you alright, now? You’ve calmed down?’

Dejectedly, Galinda nodded. That was all the confirmation Elphaba needed - for as much as was unspeakably upset with Galinda, she wasn’t about to leave her alone until she had settled.

‘Good. Then I need some air.’

Elphaba hardly recognised the sound of her own voice. It was low, wounded, hoarse. Galinda was still snivelling. When she dragged her face up to look at Elphaba, it was full of a genuine fear and remorse that made Elphaba’s chest hurt.

‘E-Elphie,’ she choked out, pale and shaking, ‘please, don’t leave. Don't leave.’

But Elphaba wasn’t listening. It was taking everything in her to keep her magic locked away, under control, where it couldn’t explode and break and scare the trembling girl even more. And so Elphaba left Galinda there, and bolted out of the suite.

She wasn’t even sure where she was going. She just needed to get out of the room, away from Galinda, and, preferably, to find somewhere she could have a moment to process. Or even talk. The solution was obvious - she needed to seek out Nessa. But first, she had to calm down. One wrong move, and all her training in magical control would go blasting out the window. Her eyes burning, Elphaba ensconced herself in one of the cubicles in the shared dorm bathrooms, put the toilet seat down, sat on it, and burst into tears.

She felt like such an idiot. 

Had she asked too much of Galinda? She knew some of her history. Was expecting her to call things off with Fiyero unfair of her?

But she kissed him. She touched him.

Burying her face into her hands, Elphaba wanted nothing more but to scrub that image out of her mind. She understood that, in the past, Galinda did whatever she had to do to keep the boys she courted interested in her. She understood that it wasn’t a simple case of being picked over Fiyero. 

But she also knew, at the heart of it all, that she deserved better. 

She thought of her younger self, alone in the poppy fields, desperate to be hidden from cruel eyes and taunts, desperate for any semblance of affection and acceptance that might drown out the noise. She thought she had found that affection and acceptance from Galinda, but at what cost? Was she to hide forever, if their situation lasted that long? To watch her hang off Fiyero’s arm? To smell him on her when she slipped back into bed at night?

Elphaba shuddered at the very thought. Love shouldn’t come at that sort of cost. 

Did she not deserve to be cared for loudly? Did she not deserve to have someone dedicated to her, and only her? Did she not deserve to be the first choice?

Do I not owe it to myself, to the friendless, lonely little thing that I was, to be with someone who can actually commit?

In a way, knowing Galinda in such an intimate and tender way had taught Elphaba that yes, she did deserve better. Through Galinda’s eyes, she saw herself for what she was - clever, passionate, beguiling, beautiful. Through Galinda’s eyes, she had started to believe it all, too. That she was more than her green skin, her peculiar powers, her shattered past marred with pain and neglect and rejection. 

That I am worthy of love.

Elphaba wiped her eyes. She got to her feet, her legs weak. She wanted to speak to Nessa, to seek counsel, to make sure she wasn’t overreacting. They didn’t have sex, true, but they touched each other. She kissed him. Let herself be kissed by him. And I have no idea what stopped her, yet what if it didn’t? How far would she have let it go? 

It was peculiar, really. Galinda had taught her that she deserved the world. And if Galinda couldn’t provide that for her, then something had to give.

Elphaba never expected it would be her that gave in, though. 

*

Galinda had stripped and changed the sheets by the time Elphaba reappeared, quiet, withdrawn, almost as if she didn’t want to be noticed. She had also showered and changed into her winter nightgown, convinced she could smell Fiyero’s aftershave on her skin, on the sheets, on her dress. 

She had to scrub him off her. 

All the while, she had gone over what she wanted to say to Elphaba in her mind. She was still extremely emotional and absolutely furious with herself for what she had done, but there was time to fix it. She simply needed the right words, in the right order, to convince Elphaba that it would never happen again. That she would march down to Fiyero’s room and break up with him that evening, if it would make things better.

But what would Momsie and Popsicle think of that?

The tension was almost painful. Galinda kept her swollen eyes on Elphaba as she moved into the suite, still in that devastatingly gorgeous suit, before she settled down on her desk chair. She hadn’t looked at Galinda. Sucking in a resolute breath, Galinda walked over, pulling along her own desk chair, and put it opposite Elphaba. She sat down silently. Their knees were almost touching.

‘Um,’ she murmured, her throat sore from crying, ‘are you…where did you go?’

‘I went to see Nessa. I needed to calm down and she’s the only person here who cares about me and isn’t connected to you in some way.’

Elphaba spoke curtly, coldly, like she was talking to a stranger. Galinda’s lower lip trembled. 

‘Right, right. That makes sense. Did you…?’

‘I told her everything,’ Elphaba said. ‘And before you freak out, she’s not going to say a word about this whole mess. I trust her.’

Galinda nodded slowly, knotting her hands in her lap. She wasn’t too happy about the prospect, but she couldn’t exactly blame Elphaba for needing to talk to someone about it, under the circumstances. ‘...Yeah. That is fair enough.’

The silence stretched on. All of Galinda’s rehearsed words failed her and she stared at her feet, just shy of touching the tips of Elphaba’s black socks. 

‘Elphaba -’ her voice came out choked and broken. ‘Can you look at me, please?’

It took some effort, but green clashed with brown. Galinda was fighting back even more tears, an almost self-deprecating expression on her face, as if she was annoyed at herself for feeling so much.

‘I…I know that sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it,’ she whispered. ‘I let you down. I shouldn’t have done that with Fiyero, least of all tell him that I wanted him, but I wasn’t thinking. I was - I was just so scared. My head was all jumbled up and nothing made sense and I was panicking so much that I -’ a sharp hiccup interrupted her rambling, and she gripped the hem of her nightgown. ‘...It was a mistake, Elphie. I promise it was. I don’t feel that way about him, and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just wasn’t thinking about anything but that moment, when I could still control the outcome.’

Elphaba breathed steadily, letting her talk. Galinda was grateful for it.

‘And I know - Oz, I know - how unfair my behaviour has been. To both of you,’ she continued. ‘I…I’m not proud of it. You have to know that. You have to know how sorry I am.’

‘I believe you.’

Galinda’s heart leapt. ‘Oh, thank goodness -’

‘ - But it doesn’t fix things.’

Galinda’s mouth snapped shut. 

Elphaba sucked at her teeth, clearly trying to pick the right words. ‘...Galinda, you know I’m disappointed that you didn’t call things off with Fiyero, but that’s not the main reason I’m upset. It’s because -’ she swallowed, composing herself. ‘It’s because you kissed him. You touched him. You promised that you wanted him. You - you said you’d do more. You have to know how that would make me feel.’

‘But we didn't -’

‘I know you didn’t go any further,’ Elphaba interrupted, holding up a hand. She was shaking slightly. ‘That isn’t the point. You were intimate with him the way you are with me, and it made me feel like…like what we have doesn’t mean anything to you.’

‘Elphie -’

‘ - Let me finish!’ Elphaba barked. Galinda winced, immediately shrinking in on herself, her heart frantic. Please don’t raise your voice at me. Oz, please. 

Elpbaba seemed to read her wild expression. She sighed, closed her eyes, and lowered her voice again. ‘I’m sorry. I just need you to let me speak.’

‘I - okay,’ Galinda mumbled. 

‘From my perspective,’ Elphaba began, her eyes still closed, ‘you’re the first person who has ever looked at me in that way. You’re the only person who has wanted to touch me and be touched by me. And that - that means something, Galinda. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I wasn’t worth the time of day, but when I’m with you, lying in your arms, it’s like you’re slowly undoing all of the cruel lessons that got hammered into me.’ She clenched her jaw, and Galinda watched as her tears started to spill down her perfect, freckled face. ‘A-And I know it’s not so easy for you to let go of Fiyero, despite everything, but - but doing that with him makes me feel like what we share means more to me than it does to you.’

Galinda let out a small whimper, her face hot with fresh tears, but she didn’t interrupt. 

‘It cheapens the whole thing,’ Elphaba said, her voice trembling. ‘Because I would never, ever touch someone else the way I touch you, least of all tell them that I wanted them. I mean, what if he ends up asking for more, Galinda? Would you go further with him? Let him do whatever he wanted?’

Shame flushed up the back of Galinda’s neck. Elphaba heard everything I said to him. 

‘...I’ll take your silence as a yes.’ Elphaba’s fists clenched in her lap. ‘Which is precisely why I need to protect myself.’

‘..Please, can I speak?’ Galinda choked out. 

Elphaba nodded silently, unable to look at her. 

‘I’m sorry what I did made you feel that way, Elphie, but it just isn’t true,’ she whimpered, her voice thick with tears. ‘You…you mean so much to me. You can’t even begin to fathom.’

Elphaba let out a sarcastic bout of laughter. ‘Oh, I think I can.’

‘The time we spend together is the most precious to me in the world,’ continued Galinda. ‘And I made a stupid, stupid mistake today out of panic. I just - the thought of having to tell my p-parents that I screwed things up made me feel sick to my stomach. I regret it so, so much, but at that moment, it seemed like the only logical path forward.’

‘Then…what?’

‘Huh?’

‘What are we supposed to do, Galinda?’ Elphaba said. ‘If you can’t bear to let go of Fiyero just because you care too much about what your ridiculous parents think, then where does that leave us? Are we condemned to hide in the shadows? Will you never bring me out into the public eye, keeping me as a shameful secret just like everyone else? And what of Fiyero? Do you really think he’d be fine with your relationship as it is? He's not stupid. He'll know something is amiss. And what happened to finishing with him after midterms? I can’t see that happening after today, can you?’

‘Elphie,’ whispered Galinda, only registering part of what she had said out of shock, ‘you’re no one’s shameful secret.’

‘You’re making me feel like one,’ Elphaba muttered. ‘I know we would have to take things slowly and I’d never want to put any pressure on you, but I thought that one day we might…’ she trailed off, swallowing hard. Galinda imagined she had a lump in her throat, similar to the one that was currently strangling her own. ‘...Oh, I thought we might have a shot at being really serious with each other.’

Galinda made a choking sound, covering her mouth with her hand. ‘Fuck, E-Elphie -’

‘ - But I suppose I was wrong,’ Elphaba whispered. Her eyes were wide and glassy, almost as if something very complex had suddenly become clear. She often wore that expression after solving a difficult academic problem, and Galinda always thought it so precious. ‘Because I understand now, Galinda. Whether you want to or not, you’re never going to pick me. There are too many external factors that are out of your control that seem to influence you every waking moment. And I’m sorry for that. It must be exhausting. But I…I’ve spent the first part of my life being a shameful secret. I refuse to spend more of it feeling that way, too.’

‘Elphaba, no,’ Galinda whimpered, reaching out to her. ‘Please don’t do this. I - I’ll figure it out. I’ll call things off with Fiyero. I’ll -’

‘ - You won’t,’ Elphaba murmured, pushing her chair away so Galinda couldn’t hold her hands. ‘You’ve said you would multiple times, and you’ve let me down multiple times. I - I can’t do this, Galinda. I can’t risk my heart when you’re still wavering. I...I deserve better than that.’

‘I can give you better!’ Galinda cried, a hiccup making her voice splutter. ‘Please, Oz, please - let me make this right. I will make this right. I’ve never once desired to make you feel unwanted, Elphie, because I l -’

‘ - Enough,’ Elphaba said. Her voice was low and tired, as if she’d lost the fight in her. ‘I’m…I’m calling this off, Galinda. I’ll be your friend if you want, but I can’t…I can’t…’ she pressed a hand over her mouth, swallowing a soft sob. ‘Oz, I can’t do this. I’m sorry.’

Galinda felt a sharp pain spike through her chest.

‘No! Elphaba,’ she sobbed, completely and utterly distraught. ‘Don’t, please. I’ll make it better. I promise I’ll make it better. But please don’t do this to me.’ She felt like she was in genuine pain, clutching at her chest as she struggled to catch her breath, eyelashes stuck together with tears, sobs shaking her shoulders. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Elphaba croaked. ‘I’m so sorry. But I can’t spend any more of my life in that sort of shadow. I deserve to feel the warmth of light.’ 

She got up to leave. Galinda could see that her knees were shaking. Before she could make it to the door, likely wanting to give Galinda some space to process what had just happened, she stumbled after her. She threw her arms around her waist and buried her face between her shoulder blades. She was crying so much that she was almost embarrassed at the sounds coming out of her. She could feel Elphaba’s heart hammering as she clung to her. 

‘Don’t go,’ she whimpered, breathless, broken. ‘Don’t leave me.’

Galinda felt herself being prised off. She watched, shaking, as Elphaba turned around and placed both of her trembling hands on her shoulders. Slowly, she eased her away, creating a gap between their bodies. 

‘I’m just giving you some space right now,’ she whispered. ‘I will come back tonight, but I think we both need a bit of time to process everything.’

Galinda shook her head frantically. ‘I don’t want to process anything! I want you! I’m s-sorry! I’m sorry!’

Unable to help herself, Elphaba cupped her face with both hands. Galinda melted into the touch, tears leaking from her bloodshot eyes. She knew she must’ve looked pitiful, but she didn’t care. Anything to make her change her mind. 

‘I know, my sweet,’ Elphaba whimpered, fresh tears running down her face. ‘I know. But I…I just can’t. It’s not enough. It’s not enough.’

‘I’m not enough?’ Galinda whispered.

‘I didn’t say that. You’re perfect.’

‘Then why -’

‘ - You know why. And until you’re ready to step out from the shadow cast by expectation, then I can’t bring myself to be that way with you. Not when I feel like it doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to you. Not when I’ve spent my life feeling like I wasn’t worth the fuss.’

Galinda dissolved into a fresh bout of tears. ‘P-please, please -’

‘Stop it, Galinda. Stop it.’

Elphaba released her face and dropped her gaze. She turned her back on her, and walked away. 

And Galinda couldn’t have followed Elphaba out of the door even if she wanted to, because the moment she told her to stop it, her legs weakened and she sank to the floor, incoherent sobs snapping through her body, making her almost feverish. 

‘Please…please…’ she whimpered, but Elphaba didn’t come back. ‘Oz, no. No, no, no -’ she choked on a sob and wrapped her arms around her knees, almost rocking on the floor. How could she have screwed up so badly? Not a few hours ago, she and Elphaba had been happily in each other’s arms, giddy from her successful performance, and kissing each other like it was the last time they ever could.  Now, it was all ruined. And it was entirely Galinda’s fault. 

‘No…’ she whispered, almost shell shocked. ‘I’m sorry - I’m sorry -’ 

She quite literally didn’t know what to do with herself. All she wanted was to run out into the corridors and find Elphaba, to beg her to reconsider, to promise that she would do what had to be done, but her body wouldn’t move. She had no idea that grief could paralyse her. Her chest ached with her sobs. She briefly wondered if she could be heard through the door, but she decided she didn’t care. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her. She just wanted Elphaba.

Hiccuping, Galinda tried to get to her feet. She wobbled and wavered. Stumbling, she turned towards her bed, but couldn’t bring herself to lie on it. It was the place she had betrayed Elphaba. For one wild moment, she wanted to set the whole thing alight. Instead, she sank back down to the floor, pressing her back against it, buried her face into her knees, and wept. There was nothing else to be done. 

‘Elphie…’ she whimpered, her throat raw. ‘Elphie…’

Her hair was sticking to her cheeks, flushed from tears and sweat. Crying so hysterically was making her overheat. Choking on another sob, Galinda couldn’t help but think how much she wanted to talk to Elphaba about what had happened, as if Elphaba hadn’t been the catalyst. She wanted to tell her how upset she was. She wanted to unpack it, to find out more, to seek comfort. 

But she couldn’t. 

After a while, Galinda’s sobbing petered out. She found herself staring dead ahead, not even looking at anything in particular, as tears continued to stream down her face. She was quiet. Numb. She didn’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do. 

She tried to recall a time when she’d felt so utterly distraught before, as if to compare it. She thought of boarding school, when the girls in her dorm jeered at her so much for wetting the bed, that she could still hear their laughter when she closed her eyes. She thought of how hard her mother had hit her because of what happened with Lucian Steen. And she thought of Lucian Steen, too. She thought of how it felt to see Elphaba at the Ozdust, standing alone in the centre of the crowd, fighting back her tears with every ounce of strength she had. But it paled in comparison to what she was feeling now. She’d just ruined the only relationship that actually meant something to her - and that was becoming increasingly obvious because she couldn’t think of a single person she wanted to talk to about her pain other than Elphaba. 

The loneliness hit her like a tonne of bricks. Whimpering, Galinda’s head lolled back to rest against the mattress. Tears dripped from her cheeks and ran down her neck. Who could she even talk to? She couldn’t see any of her classmates in such a state, even Shenshen, Milla and Pfannee, who were supposed to be her best friends. She knew they would judge her. She didn’t have a sister, like Elphaba had Nessa. She didn’t want to talk to Fiyero - though she had instigated it, she still managed to feel angry at him for what had happened. 

‘There’s no one.’ She whispered it aloud. Flat. Lifeless. Accepting. 

There had been someone, of course. And she’d gone and ruined it. She’d drained the life out of the only relationship that mattered. 

*

Elphaba didn’t see Galinda at dinner, but she wasn’t surprised. It was later than normal owing to the celebration, and most students hadn’t even showed up, having eaten their fill throughout the course of the day. She herself didn’t linger - she grabbed a meal, though she didn’t have an appetite, and retreated to one of the quieter corners of Shiz. She considered seeking out Nessa again, but she felt as if she’d emotionally burdened her sister enough for one day. 

Night had fallen in earnest when she finally returned to the suite. The lights were off when she entered. The usual pink glow from Galinda’s lamp was absent, and she sucked in a sharp breath. For a moment, she thought Galinda had gone somewhere else, but there was a lump beneath the sheets on her large bed. She could hear her crying. It was soft, wounded, whimpering. 

It broke her heart. 

Swallowing thickly, Elphaba dropped her bags and headed into the bathroom. It smelt of Galinda’s bath salts and lotions from her nightly routine. Elphaba had to press a hand over her mouth to stop herself from letting out a sob. She thought she might’ve cried out everything she had, but it was still fresh. Still raw. As if on autopilot, she went about her own routine, avoiding the copious amounts of products Galinda always left on the counter, and she nearly laughed at the absurdity of it all. It was like going back in time, when she would grumpily navigate around all of Galinda’s things so the girl couldn’t accuse her of ‘messing’ with her stuff. They used to argue about it. They used to snap at each other. They used to hate each other. 

Somehow, the current situation was much, much worse. 

When Elphaba slipped back into the bedroom, having changed into her nightwear, the lump on the bed stirred a little. 

‘E-Elphie…?’

Elphaba looked up, startled to hear Galinda’s voice - as fragile and croaky as it was - drifting over from the bed. She was still buried under the sheets, still trembling. Elphaba swallowed down the lump that seemed to have permanently fused itself to her throat. She cleared it, trying desperately to sound composed, as if she didn’t want anything more but to turn back the clock to that morning. 

‘Yes?’

There was another small sob, as if hearing her voice was too much for the quivering blonde beneath the sheets. ‘U-um…are you…going to sleep here?’

A spark of irritation raced up from Elphaba’s gut. ‘Of course I am. I still live here.’

‘No, I didn’t -’ a retching hiccup that sounded painful cut her off for a moment. ‘ - I d-didn’t mean that. I was a-asking if you were going to sleep here. In my - my bed.’

Elphaba’s stomach dropped. Oh, how she wanted to. How desperately she wanted to slip under the covers, gather Galinda up in her arms, kiss her on her pink lips, and sleep until daybreak. But she couldn’t. If they were going to move on, go back to being friends and friends alone, she had to start setting boundaries. 

‘...I don’t think that’s a good idea, Galinda.’

The girl started crying harder. Elphaba wanted to put her hands over her ears. 

Her bed was cold and dusty. She peeled back the covers, wishing that it was the warm, gentle pink of Galinda’s duvet, and she clambered into it. She’d forgotten how narrow and uncomfortable the cot was, having grown used to Galinda’s feather pillows and impossibly soft mattress. She rolled over onto her side. At least the single bed meant she wouldn’t reach out for Galinda in the night, wanting to feel her there. She couldn’t help but picture the girl feeling for her in her own large, empty bed. Tears slipped from her eyes and stained the pillow, but she made no effort to stop them. 

Time passed and Elphaba felt the weight of everything that happened pressing down on her sternum. From Galinda’s anxiety before the performance, to their heated activities in bed, to the conversation she’d overheard with Fiyero, and, of course, to the argument. So much had happened. So much she had to process. It made everything hurt. 

‘Elphaba…’

Galinda whimpered into the darkness, and Elphaba bit down on her lip to stop herself from responding. 

‘E-Elphie, please,’ she said, her voice barely audible. ‘Please…please, I c-can’t - I can’t -’ She broke off with another retching sob that almost sounded like a wheeze. 

Elphaba pressed her face into the cold, flimsy pillow, biting down, stifling her sniffling. 

‘Please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…’

I know, Elphaba wanted to say. I know you are, my sweet. I’m sorry, too.

She said nothing in response. 

Galinda cried all night. 

And Elphaba didn’t get a wink of sleep.