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Chapter Text

I felt the teeth before I saw it, a walker, cold and dead.

My knife was dropped from my hand, thudding against the floor. It came out of nowhere, no shuffling, no groaning, just the sharp teeth digging into flesh. My back is pressed against the floor now,  walker falling down on top of me.

I got it off, I always do, but this time it felt different.

My knife was closer and it's the weapon that sinks into the walkers head, maybe even mine. Its body slumped down against me, a small groan making its way out its mouth before its body is still.

The silence and burn follows quickly after.

I stared, stared down at the ripped clothing, stared at the faint bite mark displayed across my wrist, stared down at the blood slowly seeping out of the wound and trickling down my arm. 

I didn't scream, didn't yell, didn't move, I just sat there. I sat and waited for the blood to stop.

That was five days ago,

Everyone knows you turn within the first couple hours of the bite, if you're lucky you can last a day or so. So why am I still here, burning beneath my skin, an itch I can't satisfy. No one knows it, the pain or the blood, all they know is I went out alone, and come back alone.

A bloody bandage dressed the wound, hidden beneath my clothing. It's now night on the five day, slowly creeping into the sixth and I'm still here, withering away with every minute. Do I tell the others? 

"Cut it out, you should've done it days ago. Do it now before it's too late."

A strong voice. It sounded like me, but it didn't at the same time. Colder, sharper maybe. Familiar but in the worst kind of way. I told it to shut up, but a part of me wanted to listen, do what it said and get rid of the bite, hide it from everyone like it never happened. My knife is buried under my mattress, safety measures. That's what I told myself anyway.

I hear the faint noise of laughing outside. Im guessing someone told a joke, Louis doing that friendly banter with violet again.

"Dinners ready everyone! Come and get it!" The faint yell of rubys voice echos throughout the school and I finally bring myself to stand, ignoring the pounding in my head I slowly shuffle my way to the courtyard, almost like a walker does, key word; almost.

The courtyard was buzzing, not of laughter but that quiet chatter that makes everything feel a little bit better. I watched as Willy stirred the what looks to be stew around in a pot while Omar grabs things to add into it.

"Is that... supposed to be stew?" I asked, knowing full well that's what it is, it's what we always have. Rabbit stew with small chunks of fish occasionally. "Barley, it's more salt than stew." Ruby perked up, laughing once Willy goes embarrassed.  "I didn't mean to! The cap fell off." He defends. Omar rolls his eyes, muttering a small "I'm never letting you help." Before adding and mixing some more spices from the greenhouse into the stew to hopefully dull out the salt.

"If I die tonight, bury me next to my piano." Louis says from across the table. "If you die tonight I'll blame it on your terrible piano playing, not the walkers." Violet shoots back, lifting the sides of my mouth up slightly. 

I sat down beside AJ, who had already wolfed down half his bowl. He looked up at me, lips shiny with broth. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said, and forced a smile. "Just tired." He stared at me a beat longer than I liked. He always sees too much.

My bowl sat untouched.

The bandage itched beneath my sleeve. My whole body felt too warm,not exactly feverish, well not yet at least, but close. I picked up the spoon and stirred the stew. I didn't eat, just slowly pushed each bit of meat around. 

They were laughing again. Louis did a bad impression of Brody's snore and Violet actually cracked a smile. I kept watching her out of the corner of my eye, she was different when she smiled. Softer. Like all the sharpness melted away. And for a second, just for a second, I wanted to tell her everything, about the bite, the voice, the nights I woke up with bloody hands and shaking breath. Just to see what she'd say. But then the voice came back, and then I remembered what would happen if I told...

"They'll kill you if you tell them."

I blinked hard and looked down at my bowl. The laughter faded into a low hum, distant and fuzzy. AJ leaned against my side, warm and small. I rested my hand on his head and he didn't pull away, stayed nuzzled into my side like he knew something was wrong, like it was my last moments alive, which maybe it was.

I didn't eat that night.

But I stayed.

And for just a moment, I pretended I was still one of them.

Dinner ended with storied, laughter from each and every one of Louis's jokes, but not once did it reach my ears. My bowl of overly salted stew sat untouched. I stood when AJ did, sliding our bowls to the end of the table to be cleaned. I hadn't noticed Aj starting to walk off and me stood idly near the picnic tables.

"You coming?" His voice brings me back as I glance toward him. I watch as he rubs the sleep out his eyes. "In a bit, go get ready for bed." I smile toward him, and he didn't question it, just wondered off back to the dorms.

I sat back down, staring down at dying out coals as the fire slowly started going out. My eyes drift to my wrist, slowly pulling back my sleeve and looking down to the blood soaked bandage again. Five days and it's still bleeding enough to need a bandage change every couple of hours. You'd think I would've died of blood loss before the infection killed me.

Pulling the bandage back I watch as more blood slowly flows out, the skin around the bite red and raw. The flesh around the wound is getting worse, and so is all the side effects. The voice crept back into my head, almost like the wind.

"They'll see. You're bleeding through. You're going to kill them all."

"No one's going to die," I whispered, barely audible. "I won't let that happen."

"Then finish it. You know how this ends."

The sound of footsteps snapped my head back up, I didn't even realise I had moved. Violet approached, a smile plastered on her face when she sits next to me. I smile back. Her jackets half zipped up, arms crossed over her chest as she leans her back against the table.

"You okay?" The question lingers in the air. No, I'm not okay. "Yeah, I'm okay." I send her a small smile, hoping that convinces her to not pry. I've always been bad at lying to her. She prys.

"You've been quiet recently." She says, looking up to the sky, I watch as her eyes trace the stars that illuminate the sky. "Quieter than usual anyway." She's quick to add.

"Just long days, ya know?" I respond, acting normal. I can't let her find out, once she does she won't look at me the same. Her head turns, looking towards me this time and I can see on her face she doesn't believe me, but she drops it, for now at least.

"I used to come out here a lot, back when things got... you know... too much." Violet sighs after her sentence. "It helped, feeling like I was free. At night it's so quiet, no one's around it's just... you." She adds and I nod. "It does help." 

There's a silence that washes over us, not awkward or uncomfortable, but it's not calming either, more like a sentence waiting to be finished.

"I'm on patrol in the morning, join me?" She suddenly says. I blink. "I thought Aasim was on patrol?" She shrugs, standing. "I traded with him." I stand too.

"Say yes, you need to, you need her, she needs you, she's watching you..."

"Sure." I said, nodding my head and ignoring the dull ache. We share a smile before she starts walking off. "See you at dawn." And then she's gone.

I wait for her to disappear into the dorms before I pull my sleeve back up, glancing at the blood that's escaped the bandage and making its way to the palm of my hand. The gauze completely stained red now and sticking to my arm both from the blood and from the thin layer of sweat coating body. I drop my sleeve, face the sky and take a deep breath.

One more night, that's all I need.

It was midnight when I stirred awake, the burning pain coming from my wrist. My eyes flicker open adjusting to the darkened room. I inhale, looking to my wrist again. Blood slightly on the surface of my hoodie. Shit.

Swinging my legs over the edge of the bed I glance over to Ajs side of the room. He has the disco broccoli toys against his chest holding them as if a small gust of wind will take them away forever.

Making my way down to the infirmary without being seen was the thought bit but I manage to get there undetected. Slipping inside the dimly lit room, the only light being the moon shining inside.

The bandage on my arm was hot and stiff. I pulled it off slowly, biting my lip to stop from making noise. The skin beneath looked worse. Redder, puffier, like something underneath was trying to make its way out.

"They're gonna find out. You're not careful anymore."

I pushed the voice away, doused a rag in antiseptic and wiped around the wound. It stung like hell. I clenched my teeth and started rewrapping.

I headed the footsteps first, then the sound of the door being opened so I reacted diving behind a cabinet and holding my breath while the door opened. Ruby's voice came in first, "Sit down, dammit, I told you not t' yank it out!"

Sophie stumbled in, clutching her hand, blood trailing down her wrist. "It slipped, okay? Was trying to fix the damn broom handle." Ruby flicked on the small electric lantern near the shelf. The light cast a soft glow across the room, but not enough to reveal my spot.

"You don't pull splinters out with a screwdriver, Sophie," she said, dragging over a chair. "Ain't gotta be a genius to know that."

I stayed still, crouched low. My arm throbbed beneath the half wrapped bandage, and sweat rolled down my neck.

Ruby sat Sophie down and started cleaning her hand. "Hold still." A mix between a mumble and a reprimand. "I am still." They bickered quietly while Ruby worked. Then she opened the drawer for fresh gauze.

"...What the hell?" Sophie looked up. "What?"

"These were full last week. Why're we nearly out?" She checked another shelf. Then another. "Disinfectant's low too."

Sophie raised an eyebrow. "AJ get sick again?" Ajs prone to getting sick, maybe I could use him as an excuse. It wouldn't last, Aj would be fine while they still go missing. Ruby shook her head. "Nope. He ain't been in here."

She paused, turned slowly toward the trash bin. I watched her face twist as she pulled something from it, a used, bloodied bandage. Not Sophie's. But mine. Her eyes narrowed.

"This ain't from you," she muttered. "Too big." Soph shrugged. "Maybe someone cut themselves and didn't wanna say?" Ruby shook her head, glancing infront of her for any signs.

"Or maybe someone's hidin' somethin'." This time she looked toward the back of the room, the shadows. My hiding place. My breath caught but I didn't let it out,just held it in and staying as still and quiet as I can. Sweat dripped from my forehead but I couldn't tell if it was symptoms of the bite or because of the situation I'm in now. But she didn't come closer. Just exhaled sharply through her nose, like she was filing it away in her head. "We'll talk t' everyone tomorrow," she said finally. "Figure out what's goin' on."

Sophie rolled her eyes. "It's probably Louis being dramatic again." I almost laughed at that. But Ruby? Ruby didn't answer. She wrapped Sophie's hand tight and switched off the lantern. "C'mon. Let's go."  They left. I waited for the door to close and the footsteps to fade before I moved. My fingers were shaking too hard to finish the wrap cleanly.

You're slipping, Clem. You're running out of time.

"Shut your mouth." I mumble silently then disappeared away from the infirmary, ducked back into my room and lay awake, staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

The woods were quieter than usual. Not dead quiet. Not walker quiet. Just... still. The kind of still that hums in your bones. I kept walking, one step after the other, pretending the pain in my arm wasn't crawling into my shoulder. Pretending I didn't feel dizzy when I turned my head too fast. Pretending I wasn't dragging my right foot slightly, enough that I could hear it, just under the crunch of leaves.

Violet was beside me. She hadn't said much the whole patrol, just the occasional glance. I caught her looking at my hands once, then quickly away.  We stopped at a clearing to scan the treeline. Violet broke the silence first. "I've been trying to figure out how to say this."

I turned. She hesitated. "I think I'd regret not saying it." My throat tightened. I already knew where this was going. Part of me had waited for this. Wanted this. Just not now. Not like this.

"I like you," she said, steady despite the flicker in her voice. "And I know things have been weird lately, and maybe I should've waited, but... I couldn't." She looked at me, really looked, and I couldn't look away. I opened my mouth. No excuses came out. No warning. No lies.

"I like you too," I said quietly. Violet blinked. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

A soft smile crept into her face. It was small, like she didn't want to scare the moment off. I tried to return it, but something in me felt heavy, far away.

"She loves you."

"Poor girl."

The voice slithered in from nowhere.

"She doesn't know you're dead on your feet."

"What happens when your hands stop working?"

"When your eyes turn? Will she kill you, or cry first?"

I froze. Violet was still talking, but the words were suddenly soft and distant, like she was underwater. I blinked, behind her, just past the trees, I saw something move. A walker, tall, hunched, staggering toward us. I stepped back, hand twitching toward my knife. "Clem?" Violet turned, but nothing was there. No walker. Just leaves and and an empty forest.

"She didn't see it? Or did it vanish? Maybe it's in your head."

"Maybe they're all in your head now."

My stomach dropped. I pressed a hand to my temple, as if I could hold my mind together by force. "Clem?" Violet stepped closer, frowning. "Are you okay?" I nodded, too quickly. "Yeah. Just... zoned out." She didn't buy it. I saw it in her eyes. But she didn't push.

"I meant it," she said gently. "I like you. I'm here." I gave her a tight nod, staring at the trees where the walker had been, or hadn't been.

And I stood there in silence, smiling at her through the fog, while the edges of the world started to unravel.

We made it back to the courtyard before breakfast. The courtyard smelled like food by the time we got back, real food. Something fried, something spiced. My stomach turned at the scent, not with hunger, but dread.

I forced myself to move with the others as we drifted towards the picnic benches. Omar was ladling steaming beans and toasted bread into bowls like a drill sergeant with a ladle. He worked fast, sleeves rolled up, hands moving in rhythm.

"You're lucky I made extra," he called out as we walked in. "You patrol people eat like you wrestled a bear." Louis chuckles before responding. "Bear won," Louis said, grabbing a bowl. "But I landed a solid emotional blow." Omar rolled his eyes.

I took mine wordlessly and found a seat near the middle of the bench, not too far from anyone, not too close either. I had to blend in now. Couldn't afford to drift. Violet sat across from me, dropping into her seat like she was glad to be off her feet. She grabbed a piece of bread off her bowl and broke it in half, sliding one across the table toward me. "Here. Yours was burnt." I took it. "Thanks," I murmured, and tore off a piece, chewing even though my stomach was still churning.

One bite. Swallow. Water. Act fine.

The food was decent. It always was when Omar cooked, even if it felt like chewing ash right now. My body didn't want it but I made myself eat. Slowly, calmly. No hesitation.

Around us, the others settled in, AJ bragging about his "superhero roll," Willy arguing with Aasim over whether soup counted as a beverage or a food. Sophie and Brody sat off to one side, quietly sharing a meal. I wonder if there're dating, they're quite close. It looked like a normal morning. Almost peaceful.

"Clem?" Violet asked, her voice low. "You sure you're okay?" I looked up. She was watching me again, not judging, just seeing me in that way only Violet could. It made something twist in my chest. "I'm fine," I said. "Just tired." She didn't push it. But her eyes lingered.

Across the room, Ruby stepped in with a small bowl and a med kit under one arm. She said something to Willy in passing, then glanced in my direction, casual, but focused. She didn't stare, didn't speak, but I felt it all the same.

I picked up my spoon again and took another bite. Slow. Steady. Swallow. You're fine. You're just tired. You're eating. You're normal.

The bowl was half empty before I even realized it. Violet shifted in her seat and leaned in slightly. "Still up for later? The roof?" I nodded. "Yeah. I'd like that."

I didn't know how long I could keep this act up. But for now... I was pulling it off.

Chapter Text

I'm back in the shed.

The floor is damp and the air smells like rust and dog breath but I'm not alone, I don't feel alone. Sam is there, tail still, ears pinned. I back away, but I already know what's coming. He leaps and his teeth sink into my arm, white hot pain, like fire ripping through skin. I scream and pull, but he doesn't let go. Blood sprays against the wall, the floor shifts under me, boards snap and everything's red.

Then I'm not in the shed anymore, I'm in Savannah.

Lee sits slumped by the radiator, dying. His face is pale, his eyes sunken. His arm, bitten, bitten arm, dangles uselessly. "Clem," he croaks. "You gotta keep going. But you can't carry this much forever." He lifts his head. One eye is gone, the other is dead-white.

"You're already losing."

"I'm not," I whisper.

His mouth stretches open. His teeth are jagged, his skin peeling. He lunges, jaws snapping and I flinch and suddenly I'm back in the barn. I hear screaming, Aj screaming but he's not screaming for help, he's screaming at me. "You lied to me!"

"No," I breathe, choking on nothing, but everything at the same time. "I didn't mean..."

"You're turning," he says. "I saw your arm." I look down. It's not an arm anymore, not my arm, It's grey, bone visible through the skin right where I was bitten. He skin

I'm in the school courtyard now, everyone's here and their eyes staring down at me? It's the worst, feeling claustrophobic in the worst way. Violet, Ruby, Aasim, Louis, Sophie, Brody, Willy, AJ, even Omar, holding a ladle like a weapon. "You should've told us," Violet says. Ruby crosses her arms. "I could've helped." "You waited too long," Aasim mutters. "Now you're a threat." "We should kill her." 

"I'm still me!" I yell. "Please, I'm still me!"

"You're not. Not anymore. You're a monster."

The voice doesn't belong to any of them. It comes from nowhere and everywhere all at the same time, bearing down on me like a weight I can't get rid of.

"You let it spread. You let it get bad. Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out before it gets worse."

I turn and there's a figure, something behind me in the fog, a shape. It looks like a shadow of me maybe slightly taller but my eyes, my eyes look hollow and my lips are peeled back into a dry smile. 

"Cut it out. You know how. Knife. Fire. Anything. Before you hurt them."

My hand is moving now, I don't know when I picked up the knife but it feels heavy in my palm. I stare at it, confused, as though it doesn't belong to me, almost like it's someone else's hand and maybe it is. I wouldn't do this to myself.

"Do it. Cut it out. Burn it if you have to. Lee would've. You have to. Do it now, Clem."

"They'll find out. They'll kill you. Or you'll kill them. Do it."

My fingers tighten around the handle. I look at my arm. The bite is worse now, a deeper red and the veins in my arm around it more visible. The infection is spreading.

"It wants to spread. You can feel it, can't you?"

My body moves without thought. The knife touches skin and I feel the cold steel as I press.

Pain. Burning, stabbing pain. I gasp awake with a jolt, my heart thundering. The knife is in my hand.

My arm, my bitten arm, is bleeding. The skin's been sliced, a shallow slice, not deep, but enough to sting, and enough to draw more blood to cover up. The bandage is torn, fresh blood soaking through. I stare at the blade. My whole body shakes. What the hell did I just do? I hadn't even realized... This isn't me.

"You're losing it."

I grab a towel from beside the bed and press it against the cut, breathing hard through my nose. "You're okay," I whisper. "It was just a dream." But it wasn't, not really. The pain in my arm is real and the voice still echoes faintly, like it's waiting just below the surface.

"Next time... do it right."

I sit there for a long time in the dark, shivering and alone. The roll of bandages trembled in my hand as I tried to wrap my arm tighter. The fabric stuck to the blood, not the bite this time, but the thin, line I'd carved into myself last night.

Stupid.

I bit the inside of my cheek and focused. All I needed to do was cover it before anyone saw. The skin around the bite looked worse, redder, like it was boiling under the surface. My stomach turned, but I couldn't stop now. The faster I wrapped it, the less likely anyone would kno-

"Clem?"

I flinched hard which ultimately led to the knife, still slick of my blood, slid off the bed and clattered to the floor. Shit.

The door creaked open, and Violet stepped inside. Her brow furrowed at the sound. I quickly kicks the knife under my bed, if she saw it I know she would question it. "What was that?" I snatched the bandage tighter and pulled down my sleeve over it, biting back a wince as it pressed into the raw cut beneath.

"Nothing," I said quickly. "Just knocked something over." I tried to play it off. "Slippery fingers." Violet didn't laugh. Her eyes narrowed slightly, scanning my face.

"You look like hell," she said softly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just didn't sleep the best. One of those nights you know?" Hopefully that because I asked a question she will just move on and answer it. Her arms crossed loosely, the way they always did when she was concerned but didn't want to say it out loud.

"You're sweating."

"It's hot."

"It's night," she said. "And like... 10 degrees."

I hesitated, then let out a breath, lowering my gaze. "Had a nightmare." That hit. I saw her shoulders ease a little, her jaw unclench. "You haven't had one in a while." Her sympathetic voice as she moved to sit beside me.

"I guess it was overdue." I chuckle, hoping that was a good enough excuse. I can play it off and plus it's not like I was lying. "That why your hands are shaking?" I looked down. My fingers were trembling slightly where they clutched the edge of the blanket.

I nodded and apparently that was all she needed. Her legs stretched out, back slouched like always as she looks forward. "I used to hate when you'd get quiet after," she said after a second. "Felt like you were bleeding and pretending you weren't."

I looked over at her. "I'm not bleeding," I said before I could stop myself.  She raised a brow. "Wasn't literal, Clem." Right. I'm loosing my mind, I need to hide this better.

She sighed, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Just... don't shut me out." I wanted to tell her I wouldn't. I wanted to say, Yeah, of course, Vi. I trust you. But the words wouldn't come. So instead, I offered a thin smile. "I'm okay. Just tired." I sat there in silence, pulse still hammering. The bandage was hidden, the knife was hopefully somewhere under my bed, and the excuse had worked.

But I could still feel the voice, somewhere deep beneath my skin.

"Next time, she won't believe you."

I turned my head toward her, and the words came before I could stop them. "I'm scared, Vi."It cracked something open between us. She reached for my hand, and I let her take it. And for once since the bite there was a sense of relief, like something massive was taken off my shoulders and I can finally breathe.

No nightmares, no voices, no pain from the bite, just a sense of peace. A feeling of normality I needed.

"I've got you," she whispered.

And for a while, I believed her.

She kissed me, soft and slow, and it didn't feel rushed this time. It felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. Her hand slid up the back of my neck, pulling me closer, like she couldn't get enough of me. And maybe I felt the same way.

My jacket was already off. I didn't even remember when. Then I felt her fingers brush under the hem of my hoodie again, slower this time, gentler. As if she's scared she'll hurt me if she presses too hard.

And I didn't stop her, I didn't want to, not right now. I just wanted to feel something that wasn't panic, the constant feeling as if my body will give up on me, turn against me after years of fighting and something that wasn't the cold weight of knowing I'm on borrowed time. But no matter what I do to distract myself, that feeling is there buried in my mind.

She pushed the hoodie up,just a few inches, but feeling her hands against my waist, the warmth that follows her touch, god im addicted, it's all I want, her mouth on mine.

And I forgot.

For a split second, I forgot the bandage. Forgot the infection, god i forgot I was dying. Then the fabric shifted higher, and it touched the edge of the bite. A searing pain exploded up my arm like a live wire. I gasped, a choked noise tearing from my throat, my body jerking back before I could control it. "Clem?" Violet's voice cracked.

I grabbed at the hoodie, yanking it back down, my breath coming in harsh, shallow bursts. "No, no, it's okay," I rushed. "I just, I didn't mean to..."

"What happened?" She was already stepping toward me, reaching out again.

"Nothing. It's just, scraped. From earlier. It's fine."

She looked at me, eyes searching. Not angry, not even frustrated, just concerned, pure concern, and it made my stomach twist. "Let me see it."

"No," I said too fast, too sharp and she picked up on it, like she always does, you can never hide things from violet she will pick up on the things you can't. She froze, like that kinda thing when you get caught doing something you weren't supposed to.

"I'm sorry," I said, softer now. "It's just sore. I don't want anyone touching it right now."

"Clem..." I shook my head, trying to breathe, to calm the pounding in my chest. The pain in my arm still throbbed, but what was worse than that was the look she was giving me. Like she knew I was lying, but didn't understand why yet.

And all I knew for myself? I couldn't let her find out.

She didn't say anything for a second. Just stood there, watching me like she was trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces. And maybe she was, slowly but surely she was finding small cracks I let show and putting them together. I'm like a time bomb waiting to go off.

Then she backed off, just a little. Just enough to where I don't feel so claustrophobic. "Okay," she said. "You don't want me to touch it, I won't." I nodded, barely.

"But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna worry about you." I let out a shaky breath. It was the closest thing to mercy I could ask for. She could've kept pressing, could've pushed until I cracked, because i know i would, if one person could get me to break it would be her, or seeing the look on ajs face maybe. But she didn't, because that's what Violetis like, she'll wait, and wait and wait until it starts hurting her.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, biting the inside of my cheek until the pain grounded me. My arm pulsed, like it had its own heartbeat, infected, alive but in all the wrong ways. She sat next to me again, not touching me this time. Just being there, and that's why i like her, she doesn't push she just... stays.

"You ever feel like your body's not yours anymore?" I asked, before I could stop myself. Yeah give it away Clementine, nice going. My voice didn't even sound like mine. Violet turned her head toward me. "Yeah," she said. "After the boat. After we lost so many people. I didn't feel like... me. Not for a long time." I nodded. Not the same, but close enough. I wanted to curl into her voice, stay inside that memory instead of this one. Instead of the infection burning its way through me with every breath, slowly killing me.

"You should tell her," the voice whispered, sick and sweet in my ear. "Let her see. Let her run. At least it'd be honest." I clenched my jaw, tried to blink it away, but it never goes, it's there in the back of my head, like a parasite.

Violet didn't notice. Or maybe she did, but was giving me the impression of pretending she didn't. "I'm not gonna push you," she said eventually. "But if you ever want to talk about it... the dreams, this pain or whatever it is that's hurting you, whatever it is you're hiding... I'll listen."

"I know."

"You don't have to protect me from whatever this is." I almost laughed. Not because it was funny, none of this is funny, but because she didn't know. She had no idea how much I was already protecting her from. From watching me slowly die in front of her, once she finds out that this entire time I've been slowly slipping just under her she is going to break, I just know it.

"So end it now, cut it off, show it to her, show her what you've already done. She'll look at you like you're a monster. You know you're already one."

I looked down at my hands in my lap, glancing towards my bitten arm and the skin near my wrist looked pale. Too pale, if she looks and sees she's going to know, or question me. Sweat clung to the back of my neck, i still can't tell if it's from the bite or something else.

But I leaned toward her anyway, just enough to rest my shoulder against hers. "I'm sorry I keep screwing this up," I whispered. "You're not screwing anything up."

"I am. You just don't see it yet." She didn't say anything right away. Just turned her head and kissed the side of mine, her lips warm, grounding. And for a moment, just a breath,I felt okay, but deep down is another story. Deep down I felt myself falling, I feel as if I'm back in that lake, under the freezing water with Luke but this time there's no one to pull me up. No Kenny to ask if I, okay, no Jane to pull me out and prioritise getting me warm, maybe in this situation I'm Luke, getting dragged further under until I'm too deep in to confess.

 I wake up in the morning drenched In sweat, a burning heat that doesn't just come from me. The heat cling to me though, as if I needed it to survive but I don't, the heat was slowly helping kill me and the worst thing? Violet was beside me in bed, and I knew she was because i remembered falling asleep with her last night, after the nightmare, after her nearly finding out about it.

As if to confirm my thought I feel the bed shift and her voice breaks through the room. "Clem?" Her voice was hoarse, most likely because she just woke up but I left my eyes closed, the room felt like it was spinning and having my eyes closed was easier. 

I didn't answer, I couldn't. Her palm pressed lightly to my forehead and I flinched. "Jesus... you're burning up." I opened my eyes just a bit, enough to make the shape of violets silhouette above me. The light stabbed through my skull like needles. My throat felt dry and raw, as if the walker had ripped at my throat instead of my arm. "I'm fine," I rasped. It came out broken.

Violet sat up, fully awake now. I could feel the shift in her breathing, the tension starting to coil in the space between us. "You're not," she said. I forced myself to sit up, and maybe too fast because the world tilted and I nearly tipped forward, but her hand caught my shoulder.

"Stop," she said, steady but gentle. "You're not okay." I hated how easy it was for her to see it. Even after everything I tried to hide she just sees through me as if I'm a window, a shattered window.

"It's just a fever," I lied. "You said it was a scrape."

"It is." She didn't believe me and part of me didn't expect her to. But I still couldn't give her more than that. She leaned in a little, studying me. "You've been sweating through your clothes, Clem. You're pale. You've barely eaten in two days. That's not a scrape."

My stomach twisted. I looked down at the blanket tangled around my legs. My skin was clammy. I knew if I touched the bandage now, it'd be worse, just proving to my point that I'm slowly dying and I can't, I can't let her see it. 

"So cut it off."

I didn't say anything, and that silence between was almost worse than the lie. Violet stood up from the bed, not angry, not yet anyway, but I could feel the weight building in her chest.

"I'm getting Ruby."

"No." My voice cracked again, and I reached for her wrist without thinking. She stopped, looked down at me and for a split second her eyes softened just barely, as if she saw something that I didn't see myself. "Then tell me what's really going on." I couldn't, so I let go.

She didn't move right away but she didn't leave either, she just stood there, watching me like she was waiting for the rest of me to catch up to the lie I'd already told.

The knock came and broke the silence between us, then it opened and Ruby had walked in. Shit, just what I needed. She peeked her head in, smiling, holding a fishing spear in one hand.

"Hey, Clem, sorry, I know it's early. Omar said you might have the line we use for the trout nets?" She stepped in without waiting, and her smile faltered the second she saw me.

Her eyes flicked between me and Violet, then settled on me, on the sweat on my forehead, the paleness, the way I was half curled in the blanket like I'd been hit by something.

"...Shit," she breathed, her voice dropping. "Are you okay?"

"She's just not feeling well," Violet said quickly, standing up. Ruby crossed the room, standing beside her now. "You look awful, Clem." I tried to smile, tried to throw in some friendly joke to get her to believe me but it didn't work "It's just a bad morning," I mumbled. "Didn't sleep much."

"You're burning up," she said, reaching toward my forehead and I flinched, as if her hand was some deadly disease and I wasn't already being killed by one. She paused, arm still halfway between us. "Clem?"

"I'm fine," I said. It came out too fast. I could feel Violet watching me. Ruby pulled back slowly. Her voice softened. "You sick?" I didn't answer.

"She had a nightmare last night," Thankfully Violet answered for me. "It messed her up pretty bad." Ruby nodded, but she was still looking at me.

Nightmares. That was the excuse, that was all I had, and sooner or later I won't be able to keep using it as an excuse to hide the truth. I'll be okay," I whispered, trying to sit up straighter. It just made my head spin.

Ruby hesitated again, like she wanted to push, but something about Violet's body language stopped her. "I can bring you some tea or something?" she said. "It's not much, but it might help with the heat. And maybe you let me check you over later?" 

I nodded, like I would. Even though I knew I wouldn't, I'd have to duck and avoid, blame it on night patrol, say Aj had a nightmare and needed me, come up with some excuse to get out of being checked up on.

"Alright," Ruby said softly. "I'll be back in a bit." She didn't say what she was really thinking. But I could feel it in the way she lingered by the door. She was starting to worry, they both were, and soon this won't be just a scrape, soon everyone will know, soon it would be multiple excused piled onto on and the worst part is it'll all be on the same arm. They'll figure it out sooner or later, they always did and I didn't know how much longer I could keep holding everything together.

Chapter Text

I stepped outside, trying to look normal. My legs felt heavier than they should've, like they weren't quite mine. Every time I moved, it was like my body was five seconds behind where I wanted it to be, like I wasn't even there to begin with.

Across the yard, Louis sat on the edge of the half rotten picnic table, tracing something into the dirt with a stick and showing his drawings off to Aj. Oh Aj, he doesn't even know I'm slowly slipping. Aasim sat outside the admin building, taking the old string out and replacing it with a new one on one of the bows. Willy was tossing rocks at a busted tire, missing every shot but acting like he didn't care. Rosie padded between them, tail swinging lazily. Until she saw me and she froze.

Her head dipped low, her ears pinned back and a low growl rumbled from her chest, quiet at first, but enough to make Aasim glance over. "Hey," he said, frowning. "What's gotten into her?"

Rosie took a step back, growl deepening. Then she barked, sharp, loud, cutting straight through the silence. Her hackles were up now, and she wouldn't stop looking at me. Louis sat up straighter. "Whoa, whoa, Rosie, it's just Clem." I tried to smile, raising a hand gently. "It's me, girl. C'mon... what's wrong?"

She didn't budge. Another bark, then a growl again, lower this time, like something in her instinct had turned against me. It punched a hole in my chest, the bite, she could smell it, the infection digging deeper under my skin. Dogs can smell those kinds of things, like they can sense cancer before you even get diagnosed.

"Seriously," Louis muttered, getting up. "She was just licking my face a minute ago."

"Ew... gross Lou." Sophie says, walking over after hearing the bark, attacked like walkers are to a gunshot and maybe soon it'll be me, idly walking everywhere for my next meal.

"She probably smelled something weird," I said, forcing calm into my voice. "Dead animal or something." Hoping my excuses work a little longer, just enough not to see the cracks in my mask. But I could feel their eyes on me now. I wasn't sweating this time, but I could tell I looked like hell. I hadn't eaten much in the last day. Hadn't really slept either, not since the shaking started, not since the voice in my head got louder, not since the nightmares have gotten worse than before. Aasim tilted his head. "You alright, Clem? You look-"

I blinked, and he was gone, vanished as if he was never there.

The school behind them faded, disappeared under the fog that's cast it self throughout the forest and in the distance?  Lee. Arms crossed, watching me. 

I stopped breathing.

The sun faded, the courtyard went quiet, like everything had been swallowed up by static and I was left behind.  His mouth didn't move, but I still heard it.

"You're scaring them, Clementine."

I blinked again, and he was gone. The school was back, Aasim was back. Nothing changed, just the looks Im getting from everyone. "Clem?" Ruby's voice. I hadn't even seen her walking up.

She stood a few feet away, a bucket in one hand, her other brushing a braid off her shoulder. Her expression was careful.  "You still feeling off from that nightmare?" she asked gently. I swallowed hard, nodding. "Yeah. Still tired, that's all." 

She stepped closer, letting her eyes drag over me like she was trying to count all the things I wasn't saying. "Didn't think you'd look worse by the afternoon," she murmured. "You get any sleep since this morning?"

I shook my head. "Not much."

She eyed my left side, my arm in particular, the arm I'd subconsciously been holding close again. I saw her gaze linger on it, just a second too long. "You hurt something?" she asked, voice light, but too focused to be casual.

"No," I said quickly. "Just... sore. Slept on it funny." Willy had stopped tossing rocks. Louis crossed his arms. "Someone's being all secretive lately," he said, trying to keep it light but falling short.

"I said I'm fine," I muttered. "Not what it looks like," Aasim said. "You've been out of it for days now."

I snapped. "I'm fine."

The courtyard went dead silent. Rosie let out another bark, sharper than before. I flinched.

Not just a twitch, I jumped, recoiling like she'd lunged at me, like Sam lunged at me. She hadn't. She just stood there, tail stiff, still staring.

"How bout a game? Ya know, calm people down?" Louis suggests, flashing his cards he had pulled from his inner coat waggling his eyebrows for effect and flashing a grin.

Really?" Aasim said, arms crossed. "You think a game's gonna fix Rosie trying to eat Clementine?"

"She wasn't trying to eat me," I muttered. "Could've fooled me," Louis said. "She went full Cujo there for a second."

Ruby gave him a sharp look. "She's been on edge. Maybe she smelled something." Louis twirled a card between his fingers. "Exactly why we need a distraction. Something fun, something dumb and maybe something  non-life-threatening." Willy perked up instantly. "Do we get to break stuff?"

"No, you degenerate," Louis grinned. "It's Five Card Questions." A few groans, a few chuckles. Ruby sighed though, shaking her head but failing to fight the smile. "You're relentless."

"Thank you," Louis said, settling into a cross-legged seat in the courtyard dirt. "Now come on, people. Sit. Relax. Let me dazzle you."

We all moved in, forming a loose, tired looking circle. Ruby perched on the picnic table. Sophie and Brody sat together near the side, Brody cross legged and arms looped around her knees. Aasim reluctantly dropped beside Willy. AJ scooted close to me, his shoulder brushing mine, violet moving to sit the other side of me. Rosie stayed under the bench, curled and quiet, head resting on her paws, but I could still feel her watching.

Louis shuffled the deck with exaggerated flair, cards slapping neatly between his fingers. "Alright, rules are simple. I deal you a card. Red means you ask someone a question. Black means you answer. Face cards? Dealer's choice. You answer or ask, my call."

He drew the first card and flicked it toward Ruby. Red queen. "Ooooh," he cooed. "Ruby gets to interrogate someone." Ruby didn't hesitate,  looking straight at Aasim. "What's the worst lie you've ever told someone here?" Aasim blinked. "Seriously?"

"Yep." He sighed. "Okay. That one time last winter when we ran out of hot cocoa? I told Willy Omar had more but he just didn't want to share." Willy's mouth dropped open. "You liar! I argued with that man for like three hours!"

"Yeah," Aasim said. "And we all got some anyway. You're welcome." Louis cackled. "Aasim the secret manipulator. I love it."

He dealt again. Black six, Sophie. Brody leaned in. "Truth time." Sophie smiled shyly. "Okay... When we were ten, I stole half a tray of cookies from the lunch room. Blamed it on Marlon." Ruby snorted. "He was given detention for days."

"Totally worth it," Sophie said. Card after card, the game picked up. Laughter rolled in, light and shaky, but real. Then Louis slid a card toward me with a flourish. Black ace, which meant dealer's choice and knowing Louis? Let's just hope it's not a bad question.

Louis's grin faltered for a split second, just enough to catch. He looked at me, not just at me, but into me, like he was trying to read the fine print under my skin. "What's something you've been hiding, or not told anyone?" he asked.

I felt it immediately, that drop in my chest. Like someone had pulled the air out of my lungs. They were all looking. AJ. Ruby. Violet. Even Rosie's head lifted a little, sensing something.

"I guess," I started, slowly, "there's something I haven't really talked about. Not in a long time anyway." My voice sounded distant, like it was coming from somewhere behind me. My heartbeat thudded low in my ears, slow and echoing but I could hear it.

"Back before we found this place... AJ was two weeks old. Our group had been attacked by this group we took meds from. We needed it, Rebecca was pregnant with Aj, she was in pain, Luke, he was shot and Kenny had his eye beaten in.. We got separated across the lake, made sure there weren't too much weight on the ice.

I rubbed my thumb against the inside of my finger without thinking. It was cold. My hands weren't cold a second ago, were they? The wind shifted. Only it wasn't the wind. It was sharper, thinner, the kind that cuts across ice. I felt it sting my cheeks.

I looked up.

The trees were too far away. There was no school, no Aj, no Violet. Only snow, ice, the lake.

"I was halfway across," I whispered. "Boots sliding so I weren't pushing too hard on the ice." I could hear it now, not in memory. Right here, that low, creaking sound under my feet.

"I looked back and Luke was stuck."

I turned, and he was there. Luke, arms stretched out, standing on spiderwebbed ice like it could shatter beneath him at any second. His face was pale, scared, but calm in that Luke way, the kind of calm that made you think things might turn out okay, even when you both knew they wouldn't. "He told me to stop. Told me to shoot the walkers. Said not to come back."

But I did. I always did.

Bonnie's voice was screaming in my ears now, sharp and desperate. "He's gonna fall, go to him!" My breath clouded the air. I saw my hand stretch forward again, small, gloved, shaking. The gun dropped somewhere behind me, forgotten.

"I reached for him," I whispered. My body swayed where I sat at on the floor, but in my mind, I was on the ice again, knees buckling, hand outstretched, trying to desperately to save another person.

"He reached back. We touched. And then..."

I heard it, loud, real, like I was back there on the ice, six years ago. The ice gave way and we fell through. The ground disappeared from under me and the only thing I could feel was the cold slamming into my chest like fists made of stone. I choked on it, not water, not air, I, not sure what I choked on.

But underwater, I felt weightless, like I was dying but in a way it felt... peaceful. "There was no up," I said, my voice shaking aloud now. "I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I clawed at the ice above me and I saw Luke down below, fighting off a walker."

His hand, barely reaching for mine. I reached for it again.

"Clem?"

AJ's voice.

I blinked. But the water didn't leave. "Clem, your hands are shaking." The words pierced through the noise. I looked down. My hands clenched, white knuckled, trembling in my lap. I could feel them, burning cold. My fingers were red from pressure, nails digging into skin. My sleeves had ridden up slightly and I yanked them down quick, maybe too quick.

"Just the wind," I muttered. "It's getting colder."

But there was no wind, just their eyes on me.

Violet was standing up now, watching me like I might fall apart at any second. Ruby was half leaned forward, unsure if she should speak. Brody had gone still her mouth slightly open, like she was afraid to breathe.

I couldn't tell how long I'd been gone, how much of what I said I actually said out loud.

"I guess that's what I've been hiding," I muttered. "That moment. The cold. The silence. The look on his face before the ice took him."

I sat back and no one spoke and no one moved. Except me shoving my sleeves down tighter, tucking my shaking hands beneath my arms, pretending I wasn't falling apart.

Just let them believe it was the past, let them think it was just a bad memory I got too lost in, not a fever dream or hallucination. Not even the infection that threatens to kill me any second.

Violet kept glancing over at me, but didn't say a word. Not yet. I sat still, sleeves tugged over my hands, my knees pulled in like I was trying to fold myself small. Nobody said I ruined the game, but I didn't need them to.

I already knew.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, someone stood up, maybe Aasim, then another, and then slowly the rest followed, heading off in ones and twos. Louis wandered back toward the school, hands in his coat pockets. Brody offered AJ a half smile as she passed, but he didn't smile back.

Violet was the last to move. She lingered, eyes on me like she wanted to say something, but then she just turned and walked after the others, her boots crunching softly in the dirt.

I stayed there.

The yard was quiet again, all that leftover warmth from the group long gone. I exhaled through my nose and leaned back against the dorm wall, letting my arms rest on my knees. My shirt clung to the back of my neck, too warm under my hoodie, but the air on my face was cold.

Everything was a little too still. Like the world around me had taken a breath and forgot how to let it out. Somewhere nearby, not too close, I heard voices. Ruby's was the first to reach my ears.

"She's not okay, Vi." There was a pause. Then Violet's voice came, quieter. "You think I don't know that?" They actually care.

"But they won't, not when they find out. You're infected, dying. They'll look at you like a monster because you are."

"She was shaking," Ruby said. "Not just a little. Bad. And she barely reacted when AJ said her name."

"She said it was a memory," Violet muttered. "That wasn't a memory," Ruby replied, voice firm now. "That was something else."

I let my eyes slip shut, head resting back against the wall. The weight in my skull had gotten heavier, not painful, just thick, kinda like I was drifting somewhere deeper than sleep, but still awake.

The ground beneath me felt smooth all of a sudden, like something had brushed the dirt away. I cracked one eye open and looked down. There was something pale creeping beneath the cuff of my boot. Just a shimmer, faint, like light reflecting on glass

I stared at it, unmoving. The edge of it widened, fanning out like frost. It made sense, the cold, the quiet, the way the air tasted dry.

"She looked scared," Ruby said softly, still just around the corner. "She looked like she was still in it, Vi." My hands twitched and I rubbed them against my sleeves, but they didn't warm up. I couldn't tell if they were shaking again, or if it was just in my head.

I blinked again and saw the frost fade back into dirt, like it had never been there, because it never had. Im loosing my mind...

"Clem?" I turned my head and saw AJ standing a few feet away, arms tucked into his sleeves, eyes dark with worry.  "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just cold." He didn't move, stood there and let his eyes drift to my arms, then to my face. Then he took his jacket off and slowly drapped it over my shoulders, I smiled. Oh Aj... "You looked... different. Like you weren't here."

"I was thinking," I said, brushing it off. "That's all." He didn't say anything for a second, then nodded once, slow. "You looked like you did back when we were alone."

That made me look away. The wind shifted, or maybe it didn't. Maybe I just imagined it like I did back during the game. I pushed myself up from the ground, knees stiff from sitting so long. The grass rustled beneath my boots, and the ice, if it was even there in the first place, was gone.

AJ walked beside me as we headed back toward the dorm. I didn't say anything, and neither did he. I didn't feel sick, not really, I just felt... tired. Warm under my clothes, cold on my skin, like my body couldn't decide what it was supposed to be feeling.

But I wasn't sick. I was just cold. I decided it was best to sleep, or try to get as much as I could. But my pillow was damp. I shifted again, rolling onto my side, the blankets tangled up around my legs, my shirt clung to my skin, a thin layer of sweat coating my body again, and my face felt flushed, like I'd been lying too close to a fire.

The room swam if I kept my eyes open too long, so I let them fall shut, hoping sleep would come if I just stayed still long enough. It did, but not the kind I wanted, I was walking across the ice again.

The wind was louder this time, screaming through the trees. My boots crunched, each step echoing across the frozen lake. The sky above was a flat, washed out gray. I couldn't see the house anymore, the one we were trying to reach. Just white, everywhere was white.

And then I heard it. The cracking, the same cracking from when Luke fell. I turned, slowly and sure enough Luke stood behind me again, arms stretched wide like he was trying to balance, his eyes locked on mine. The ice beneath him cracked, spiderwebs snaking out from his boots. His breath fogged the air but he didn't say anything this time, he just looked at me.

I wanted to call to him, to move, but my mouth wouldn't open. Something clung to my chest, pressing down like I was already under. Then Bonnie's voice, distant and panicked, pushing me into helping. "Go! Clem, you can help him!" I turned again, and the lake wasn't a lake anymore. It was a hallway but not any hallway, our dorm hallway but it was empty.

I blinked, and I was in the river this time, not on it, not watching Luke fall through. Water swallowed my boots, then my legs, then my waist but I wasn't falling, I was sinking. Pulled slowly down, like something had hooked into the center of my chest and was dragging me below the surface.

Luke was under with me now, his face drifted toward mine, clear, pale, eyes wide. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out, just bubbles as the water engulfed his body. He pointed, not at the surface, not at me, but behind me

I turned, and the water turned black, not blue, not gray, just a solid black. And in the dark, something was watching.

I jolted awake with a ragged breath, my arm flinging out from under the blanket like I needed to break the surface. My chest rose and fell too fast, each breath coming sharp and desperate, like I'd just run across the yard in the sun. I sat up slowly, blinking at the moonlight filtering in through the window. The sheets were soaked and my shirt clung to every inch of me. My hands were shaking again, fingers twitching in my lap as I dragged in another breath.

It was just a dream. But the pressure on my chest? It still lingered. It wasn't fear, something else, something real. Pushing the blanket back I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, sitting there for a minute, elbows on my knees, palms pressed to my forehead.

I didn't want to lie down again, didn't want to close my eyes. I don't even remember walking to the courtyard but I got out there. It was empty, the kind of quiet that didn't feel peaceful but more like something had been drained out of the world. The breeze should've helped but it didn't. My hoodie clung to me, soaked through with sweat, my arm burning beneath the sleeve like a brand was pressed into it.

I didn't know why I came out here, didn't even remember coming out here but I know I just kept walking. Away from the dorm, away from AJ's slow breathing and the four walls that kept shrinking around me. Each step felt wrong, too soft but too loud, like my boots weren't touching the ground at all.

By the time I reached the center of the yard, I couldn't see straight. My vision was smeared at the edges, the stars overhead spinning in slow circles. I dropped to my knees without meaning to, hands clutching at my hair, elbows pressing into the stone as I bent forward and tried to breathe. I couldn't, not right, my lungs sucked in air but it wasn't enough, didn't feel like enough and everything inside me was trembling.

Then I heard it.

"Jesus, Clementine. You look like hell."

My head jerked up and Marlon stood in front of me, half his face smeared with blood, a familiar bullet wound still fresh in the middle of his forehead but his eyes, his eyes didn't match. While one was flat, gray, dead the other was alive, angry. "What? You think you're the only one who had it hard?" he snapped, tilting his head. "You're walking around bleeding and pretending you're fine. Real smart."

I blinked hard, shaking my head. "You're not real," I whispered, voice cracking. He took a step forward. "Doesn't matter if I'm real. I still see what you did. You let AJ shoot me, and now you're lying to him. Nice going, leader."

Behind him, someone else appeared, limping, crooked, mouth curled into a familiar, grin. Abel. "Thought you were smarter than this, kid," he drawled. "Trying to hide a bite? You must be more desperate than I thought." He glanced at my sleeve, at the blood soaking through the fabric. "Ain't much time left now."

"No..." I pressed my palms harder to my head, rocking slightly, trying to close my ears without closing my eyes. I could feel it bubbling up in me, the panic, heat, pain, fear, a thousand pounds of it pressing down, squeezing me from every direction.

And then I saw her.

Myself.

Standing just a few feet away, pale, hoodie darkened with blood. Her hair clung to her face in wet strands, and her eyes... they were mine, but emptier. Hollower and colder. She crouched in front of me, calm and steady, like she'd been waiting. "You're dying," she said. I stared at her, heart pounding in my ears, breath hitching. "I know," I mouthed, the words dry in my throat.

"You could fix it, you know?" she whispered, cocking her head to the side. "You should've fixed it already."I shook my head. "I can't."

"Why not?" she pressed. "You know what to do. You know how. Don't pretend you haven't thought about it." Her hand moved, slow and deliberate, toward my belt, toward my knife.

I watched her fingers graze the hilt, and I realized they were mine. My hand had already moved, id already pulled the blade halfway from its sheath. It sat cold in my palm, heavier than I remembered. "Do it," she whispered. "Cut it off. Right here. You won't feel it. You're burning up anyway."

I wanted to scream at her, throw the knife, run, but my body wouldn't listen. The ground rippled beneath me like water. My breath rattled in and out and my vision shook like the courtyard was breaking apart around me.

Then-

"Clementine?!"

That voice was real.

I didn't look up. I stayed where I was, hunched, head down, hair falling in my face, knife still clutched in one shaking hand. My heartbeat roared in my skull.

"Is she... she's... oh my God." Footsteps hit the stones around me, fast and frantic. "She's bleeding... her arm... she's shaking..."

Don't. Don't touch me. Don't look at it. Don't look at me.

But I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. My hands were locked around my head again, knife forgotten on the ground. My teeth were clenched so tight my jaw ached. I felt someone kneel beside me, fingers on my jacket.

"No... don't..." I tried, but the words didn't leave my mouth and I felt it, felt them peel the sleeve back and then a sharp gasp followed by a whisper. "No..."

Darkness was the next thing to consume me, thick and fast, rushed in around the edges, and I didn't fight it, I let it happen, thought that the infection had done its thing .

Chapter Text

Waking up the next morning is a day that I had wished wouldn't come. I'd hoped that the bite from a week ago would've killed me by now, turned me into the thing that was the cause for everyone of my family figures death but now here I am, sweating, hot but cold at the same time and a shivering mess on the infirmary bed, my jacket and hoodie of so Im left in just the worn down white shirt, my arm, the bitten arm sprawled out, a fresh bandage wrapped around the bite location. 

I don't move, don't call for anyone, I stare, stare at the secret I had kept from everyone. This was it, this would be where they killed me, find out I'm a monster and not the person they once knew.

"Fevers down, and you're not bleeding anymore." The first voice to echo throughout the room. I don't respond, can't respond, I can't do anything. Footsteps are the next thing to be heard and then suddenly ruby's there, peeling back the bandage to see, or maybe to show me, I wasn't sure, I haven't been sure of anything the last few days.

A part of me hoped that this was all a nightmare, that the bite wouldn't be there once she pulled it back but it was, it was real and there's no living it. "Wanna explain?" That wasn't Ruby. But they weren't angry, nor were they happy. More like... betrayed... I guess. 

Before I can say anything a cup of water is handed to me, placed in my hands as they shake. I sip it, slowly and long as if drawing out what they've seen is better than admitting. They've already seen it, dressed it and cleaned it and I doubt they even need an explanation because we all know what it is.

I can't look at them, can't look any of them in the eyes so I don't, I look anywhere but them and my eyes drift back to the bite. "A week ago..." The first words that exit my mouth, as if explaining what happened would make the bite disappear. "I was on patrol, alone, and I guess I just... zoned out. Which is unlike me, I'm always in it, there when I need to be but for that one second I wasn't, that split second I had zoned out it come up to me. I didn't hear it, didn't see it... fuck I didn't even know it was there otherwise I would've reacted." They just listen, no anger, no yelling as to why I hid it just silence, expect my voice that fills it.

"It was on me in a matter of seconds, teeth against flesh and I fell. It come down on top of me and I reached for anything, hoping that it had just ripped through my clothes and not my skin but the blood had already stained it, as if confirming that I was dead." I laugh to myself. "God, eight years, eight goddam fucking years just to bitten because I let my guard down." I see Louis face, it falls, as if knowing that he's already lost me and for once he can't joke, can't hide his pain under his humour because it shows, lingering in his eyes and he knows it too. For once Louis, can't joke to lift the mood. 

Even Sophie is sad and she's known me less than a year. Brody stood in the corner not batting an eye to me, to my arm. Like if she looked away then it wouldn't happen but she's hearing it, spill from my mouth like I couldn't control it. 

"I didn't scream for help, didn't tell anyone I didn't even cover it for that first night I just waited, for hours that night just staring, letting the blood fall because there was no point in bandaging it. It was either dying of blood loss before it turned me but I never turned. Five days later and I was still there, bleeding slowly but definitely bleeding, out the bite mark from my wrist but it wasn't just the bite." My lips shake now, maybe I should keep it to myself, they don't need to know about it, just what they see.

"Get it over with, you'll be gone soon and they'll be left wondering why you didn't trust them enough to explain everything."

"I heard it in my head, constantly like it was apart of me and it was never going away. Get it out, cut it off, cut it out because I knew if I tried then there might've been something I could've done to stop myself from dying. And I did it, fuck I tried. Sliced through it in my dream, obviously it didn't work and then I was just left with something else to help remind me of it." I see all their expressions, looking at me like I'm broken and maybe I was, who knew.

"Why didn't you say anything..." The question lingers and I don't know how to respond, why didn't I say anything? I dork even know myself. The voice maybe, and seeing everyone telling me what I already knew.

"I was scared. Scared that if you found out then you'd look at me like I'm a monster, something who's going to betray you just because I was afraid to die. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it forever but I had hoped I can feel myself going and I could've gone out on my own terms, made you all think that I went out for patrol alone and died, and I did die, I just never stopped breathing..." That final part shocks everyone. 

No one speaks, they don't move, but they don't move their eyes from me, from the bite hidden beneath the bandage. I wonder what's next, someone saying to lock me up, kill me for mercy, get it over with so they won't have to suffer but I would, I have to live with what little time I have left.

"So the way you acted this last week wasn't because you were 'tired', it's because you were slowly dying and you just what? didn't want to tell us?" There's the anger, the betrayal lingering in her voice. Violet...

"I wanted to tell you, I did but every time I tried it come back. The voices, seeing people who aren't there, just... fuck if I didn't want to tell you I would've ended it days ago. I tried too, I really did I just couldn't get the words out, didn't know what to say. I'm... I'm hallucinating, and hearing voices, and cutting the bite off in my sleep and I'm constantly in pain, the nightmares don't go away, the people don't go away and the voices just haunt me, every second of the day." I break and I see violet open her mouth to respond but I continue. "Cut it off, cut it out. If you don't you'll kill them, you'll kill them all. You're a monster, you should've done it days ago, do it right next time. E-every time it's a new thing about how much I fucked up, how much I risk sleeping in the bed a room across from you all when I know my body could turn on me at any moment." I squeeze my eyes shut, just hoping this is another hallucination I can't tell is fake, but it's not it's real. The throbbing in my arm tells me that, as if it's reminding me that I'll die.

And yet again everyone's silent, like if they say something it'll finish me off. I hate this, hated the fact I'm layed in bed in the middle of the room with everyone surrounding me, staring at me like I'm some kind of little child who doesn't know what their doing and I don't, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm living off hope, and I'm slowly loosing it.

"I'll be there..." It was unexpected, hearing him amid the buzzing in my head. Everyone's head turns toward him as he stands in the doorway, fidgeting with hands. "You've always been there for me clem, and I don't like how you hid it from me but you were scared. I know what it's like to be scared so... so if you're scared we can be scared together." Oh Aj...

A smile I can't help makes its way onto my face and for once this week I finally feel as if a weights being lifted off my shoulder. "We're all here, from now on you're not alone in this." Louis perks up, smiling and one after the other they all agree until it's just violet left, staring at the blood stain on my arm. 

Minutes pass, but maybe it was only seconds before her gaze lifts and her eyes meet mine. "I'm mad at you, and yes I still kinda am." No one speaks, just lets violet talk. Even Aj who has now moved further into the room to stand next to my bed.

"You hid something from us that could kill you and might still kill you. You lied and maybe I don't know how I feel about it but..." she pauses, just for a second. "It doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, yes it hurts but I get it, being scared. And I get not trusting yourself and feeling like pushing everyone will magically make it better but it won't." She grabs my hand now, clutching at my hand as if I'll die the second she lets go. "I used to do it too, clem. And I know what it's like and you helped me, when you walked through the courtyard with a bandage wrapped around your head. So no, I won't act like this didn't hurt and no I'm not walking away from you, I won't let you go through whatever happens to you alone, none of us will." As if they rehearsed this, everyone walks forward, sophie and brody smiling, Aj grabbing my arm, Louis placing his hand on violets shoulder. They all are with me.

"You don't get to push us away anymore." And that stuck, a sentence engraved in my mind like the voices are and I let myself relax, closing my eyes and nodding. "Okay." A simple, okay, and it was all they needed. Until Louis ruins the moment, kinda.

"So uh," he starts, rubbing the back of his neck as if the next words that come out his mouth is something he'll regret later on. "Do we need to put a bell on you? Just in case?" I just blink at him.

But he continues, seriously, and his grin widens. "You know, like a little walker warning system. Ding ding, here comes clem, mildly rotten but still emotionally stable." Aj giggles, Ruby sighs as if she was actually used to his bullshit by now. Sophie cracks a smile under her sleeve and brody laughs. But there was this warmth that settles in, not like the afternoon sun or the morning heat, something I couldn't exactly describe.

But then his face turns serious and he crouches beside me, gently touching my arm and looking me dead in the eyes. " I mean it though, you're still you." And I felt a little better inside, and then he ruins it again. "Even if you smell a little worse later on." Violet punches him as he starts laughing and for a while I feel normal, as if the bite wasn't there but deep down I knew it was, the pain reminded me it was, the voices the linger and the shadows. 

Eventually everyone drifts off, one by one. Ruby was the first to leave, saying she's getting more fresh water and bandages, Aasim offering to help and following close behind. Sophie and brody wander off, and just as they do I catch them interlocking their hands together and smiling at each other. Aj and left, said something about needing to feed Rosie and said he would be back and Omar left with him to go start food.

Violet and Louis were the last two, sat beside my bed. I was sat up now, watching as violets eyes slowly close as she leans back in her chair, ready to fall asleep any second and Louis... he's just being Louis. And the way he does that is by making jokes, about literally every situation good or bad.

"So uh... guess nows not a good time to ask for help on patrol?" He grins and the joke makes violet wake up just to glare at him and I swear if looks could kill he wouldn't have even existed. "Might have to call in sick." I say and despite everything, I let out a weak laugh. Violet chuckled too, quiet but still there.

"Hey clem if, and by if I mean small chance If, you do turn, can we train you to bite raiders and other zombies on command? Tactical walker deployment." He made a motion with his hands, mimicking someone pulling a lever. "Deadly but adorable." Violet smirked, shooting me a look. "You'd have to put a helmet on her and maybe a muzzle."

"Zom-bae goes to war," Louis added proudly, grinning. I rolled my eyes, the corner of my mouth twitching up. "You're both insane." Louis shoots me a look. "Lovable, though, right?" Louis placed a hand over his heart. "Insane but deeply lovable."

He took a step closer and leaned against the desk, glancing at me with a mock-serious face. "We could build you a little pen. Keep you next to Rosie. Just wheel you out when bandits show up. Like a very selective, very bitey alarm system."

Violet nudged my leg with hers. "You'd still drool less than Rosie." "That got a real laugh out of me, short and scratchy, maybe a little painful but real. "You guys are already planning my afterlife career?" I said. "Hey, better to prepare early," Louis replied. "Also, if the bite makes you glow in the dark, we'll never lose you on patrol. Like a tragic little nightlight."

"You're an idiot," I muttered, shaking my head, but my smile lingered longer this time.

Louis sank to the floor, crossing his legs like we were all just kids again, gathered around a fire telling stories, not sitting with a loaded secret and a clock ticking down in my bloodstream.

"I just..." he started, voice dropping a little. "I don't know what to say if I'm not saying something dumb. Thought maybe if I was funny enough... it'd feel less like shit."

"It kinda does," I said quietly. "A little." Can't let him know I secretly like the jokes, makes it feel a little less suffocating. Violet leaned back on her hands, her shoulder brushing mine. "Just be here, Louis. That's enough."

He nodded, eyes flicking between us, but his grin crept back in anyway. "Still calling dibs on your boots, though." I scoffed. "Seriously?"

"And your hat," Violet added. "I'm gonna wear it like a crown." I narrowed my eyes at them both. "I'm dying and you two are already looting me?"

"Grief comes in stages," Louis said, lifting a finger. "We're in the fashion acquisition phase."

I laughed again, softer this time. My ribs ached with the motion, and my skin still felt like it was on fire... but the weight pressing on my chest didn't feel quite so heavy anymore.

I watch as Louis mouth opens to speak again but the sudden knock on the door interrupts him as Ruby peaks her head in, glancing round the room as if waiting for permission to enter. Once she does I look at her hands and the countless old clothes that have been disinfected to use as bandage.

Great.

Ruby crouched down in front of me, rolling up her sleeves with a sigh that said she'd rather be anywhere else. The bottle of disinfectant clinked as she opened it, and I swear I could already feel it burning, even from across the room. Violet sat next to me on the edge of the bed, close but casual, like she was ready to catch me if I passed out or punched someone. Either was likely.

Louis stood leaning against the desk, arms crossed, wearing that same dumb smirk that meant he was about to ruin the mood. "Alright," he said. "Let's take a look at the arm formerly known as Clementine."Ruby didn't even glance at him. She peeled the edge of the bandage up slowly which made Louis squint.

"Okay, so, hear me out, what if it's not a bite? What if your arm's just developing a strong independent personality?" I clenched my jaw. "It's developing a strong desire to punch you in the face." Ruby peeled the gauze a little further just enough so you could see the skin. It was raw and red underneath to the point it throbbed even before she touched it. Violet leaned over to get a look and shockingly enough didn't make a face but Louis? Louis, on the other hand, made a face. "I've seen better looking pizza."

Ruby dipped the cloth in the disinfectant and didn't warn me. She just pressed it in and nothing could've prepared, me for the pain, felt as if the fire from McCarrol ranch had burnt through layers of my skin. I sucked in a breath and tensed up and Violet caught my hand instantly while Louis let out a thoughtful "hmm."

"If it starts bubbling," he said, "I'm throwing holy water on it. Just a heads up."

"Try it," I muttered, "and I'll start bubbling too. All over your face."

"See, now I'm into it."

Ruby dabbed around the edges, sharp and fast.

"I should've brought a sock to shove in your mouth," I told Louis, wincing. "Should've brought dinner and made it a date," he replied. "You, me, and the rapidly decomposing love story happening on your arm." Violet snorted. "You're the only person I know who can flirt with an infection."

"I contain multitudes."

Ruby paused, raised an eyebrow at him, and finally, finally, let out a short, accidental laugh, she covered it fast with a cough. "I heard that," Louis said, victorious. "You didn't hear shit."

Ruby tied off the bandage tighter than necessary. I didn't complain, she could've tied it around my neck and I still would've let her if it meant shutting him up. "You're done," she said. "Try not to tear it open being an idiot." Louis gasped. "Is that directed at me?"

"She's not talking to me," I said. "I don't even have to try." Violet glance over to me this time. "Exactly," Violet added. "You were born with that talent." Ruby started packing up. "If you're not feverish tomorrow, you can leave the infirmary."

"Thank god."

"Don't thank me yet. You're still on arm watch." Louis moved toward the door. "Call me if it starts glowing. Or floating. Or making cryptic prophecies."

"I swear to god," I muttered, "if I wake up gnawing on your leg, I'm spitting it out." He backed out of the room grinning. "Joke's on you, I'm high in fiber." And then the door closed. Violet shook her head. "He really thinks he's funny." And I leaned back, arm pulsing and feeling as if every movement will tear the skin of the bite open again and spoke. "Unfortunately," I said, "sometimes he is."

Once Ruby left, the room fell quiet but not the comforting kind, no. The kind of quiet that settled too deep, like dust in your lungs.

Violet stayed next to me on the edge of the bed. She hadn't moved much since Louis left just leaned back against the wall, arms crossed, head tilted toward me like she wasn't ready to go anywhere and neither was I.

My arm throbbed under the new bandage, a slow, deep ache that pulsed up into my shoulder and down into my chest. Ruby had done everything right. The wrap was clean, tight, solid. But it didn't matter, we both knew it wouldn't be enough and I just hadn't said that part out loud yet.

"Still hurts?" Violet asked, voice soft. I nodded, but I didn't look at her. "It's not too bad," I said, a lie but I made it sound casual, like it wasn't burning into my bones.

She shifted a little, letting her leg brush against mine. "You're tough. I've seen you walk on a busted ankle and still swing a hammer."

"Yeah, well," I muttered, "an ankle doesn't try to kill you from the inside." She gave a quiet exhale through her nose, not quite a laugh, not quite a sigh. I stared ahead, watching a crack in the wall that ran from the ceiling to the floor. I'd traced that crack a dozen times since Ruby stuck me in here, it felt like the only thing in the room that was honest, obviously minus the dying teenager in there.

Violet leaned forward, elbows on her knees and glanced sideways at me. "You want me to stay?" I didn't answer right away. I wanted to say no, wanted to act like I was fine, like I just needed sleep but I was tired of being brave.

"Yeah," I said. "Stay." She nodded and settled back. Close, but not crowding. Just near enough that I didn't feel like I was disappearing and then the silence came back again, but this time, it didn't feel empty and I let my eyes close, just for a second and the weight in my chest pressed harder. My skin felt hot, like the fever was climbing again, trying to claw its way out.

I took a breath through my nose, slow and steady. I didn't say anything, I didn't tell her how dizzy I was. Or that I couldn't feel my fingers again, or that it was getting harder to stay awake, but not from exhaustion, from whatever the hell was brewing in my blood.

I didn't tell her any of it, because the moment I did, it would stop being a secret and once that happened... I didn't know what would come next, so I stayed quiet, leaned a little closer and let her hand find mine again.

I was still breathing, Still here so surely that counted for something, but I didn't know for how much longer.