Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Freak

Prologue - The Leap

Lily always knew she was different than Petunia. Even when she was just a baby, whenever Petunia would pull her hair, or pick at her cradle cap, or pinch her soft pink skin, something bad would happen. Tuny would fall down, or burn herself, or stub her toe immediately afterward. Then she’d cry or whine or tattle and blame Lily, but no one believed her because Lily was a baby. Tuny never learned, and it only made her more resentful of her little green-eyed, red-haired usurper. So, Lily’s older sister just kept picking on her and pestering her even more.

It passed at some point when Lily became old enough to play, around her fifth birthday. After that, all Petunia wanted to do was play together. Tuny would come home from school every day, buzzing with new information and inventing exotic and exciting worlds and stories for them to play at. Lily would already be home by then since her kindergarten finished earlier in the day than Tuny’s primary school. Tuny had the most wonderful imagination. The narratives her brain came up with seemed more magical to Lily than anything else in her childhood. Even more magical than the glowing balls of light she would play with at night before bed, that only she could see.

Cotesworth was a boring, gray place, but Tuny made it colorful. Tuny and Lily always played at Orphans for some reason. Orphans who fought in World War 1 against the Germans, or orphans in the time of King Arthur who escaped fire-breathing dragons to Avalon and fought evil knights with pure, white magic, orphaned children who were changelings and got kidnapped to the land of the fairies where they grew up deep in the lush green forests of Scottland and learned the ways of the forest nymphs, orphans who worked as servants for the Kings and Queens of old until one day they were discovered as musical geniuses and brought to play piano before the court.

It was always Petunia who came up with the ideas for the games. Lily loved them more than anything. But everything changed when Lily was 9 years old. They were playing on the old swing set at the park and jumping off, pretending that they were fairies who could fly. Petunia was always careful when it came to physical games and never went too high or jumped too far. She tried to get Lily to do the same, but Lily was always a bit more wild and thought it was funny to push Tuny’s limits and to make her shriek with fear when Lily swung higher and higher. Plus, Lily liked to show off a little, and there was someone else at the park that day. An oddly dressed, dark-haired boy who looked around Lily’s age. She could see that he was watching her and Tuny from across the park, and she couldn’t help herself.

Lily swung up and up, building momentum until she was practically level with the top beam of the swing set. Then, she jumped, her arms out to the sides, her legs behind her. She soared forward, flying for a few seconds before gracefully slowing herself down and landing on her feet. Petunia’s screams echoed in the background, but Lily didn’t care. She could see that the boy had come closer; he was crouched near them now, in the bushes. So, she just went back to the swing set and tried it again. She knew that Tuny would be mad, but it was fun and she hadn’t gotten hurt, and the boy looked impressed. It made Lily’s stomach bubble with excitement.

Despite Petunia’s nagging and begging, Lily got back on the swing and did it again. The second time, she leapt even higher. And when she landed, the boy stepped out of the bushes.

Chapter Text

The boy steps out of the bushes and walks slowly towards the swing set. Lily glances quickly at Petunia, who is scowling, and then back at the boy, making eye contact with him.

He’s wearing a long, shabby coat over a weird smock-like shirt that reminds Lily of a Victorian nightgown. His trousers are too short, like he’s grown taller since he first got them, and his overall appearance is greasy. His hair is long, and it lies stringy on his face, but what catches Lily’s attention are his eyes. Or more accurately, the way he’s looking at her. Like she’s the most amazing, brave, pretty, smart person he’s ever seen.

Lily can’t help but show off a little more. She doesn’t know why, but wants his approval. She likes being looked at. At home, Petunia and she are always in competition, trying to impress their parents, but this boy is looking only at her. He doesn’t even glance at Tuney.

"Mummy told you not to!" Petunia tries to get Lily’s attention. "Mummy said you weren't allowed, Lily!"

"But I'm fine," Lily giggles, looking at the boy, "Tuney, look at this. Watch what I can do."

Lily grabs a flower from the nearest flowerbed. It’s pink and many-petaled. She places it in her palm and breathes out slowly, focusing on it. She knows she can do this, she’s done it before when no one was watching. The petals start to move, opening and closing as Lily inhales and exhales, like it’s an extension of her body.

"Stop it!" Petunia looks scared.

"It's not hurting you." Lily crushes the flower in her hand and drops it. The boy is still looking at them, but now his eyes are narrowed as he glares at her sister.

"It's not right," Petunia mumbles, looking at the crushed blossom.

"How do you do it?" she asks hesitantly, longing in her voice.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" The boy jumps forward, his voice sharp.

Petunia shrieks again and runs backward like he’s going to attack her. He blushes, looking down at his coat like he suddenly realizes how weird he looks.

"What's obvious?" Lily looks at him, curious.

"I know what you are," he answers, eyes bright with excitement.

"What do you mean?" Lily doesn’t understand.

"You're...you're a witch," the boy whispers breathily.

Lily looks at Petunia, who scowls in disgust. Lily can’t help feeling a bit hurt by her sister’s expression. What if the things she can do are magic? What if she is a witch? Wouldn’t Petunia, of all people, be excited for her? Imagine the things they could do with magic, the games they could play. Lily would teach her how to do it. Petunia is good at everything, Lily can show her. She bets that Petunia will be even better at it than Lily.

But Petunia won’t look her in the eye.

"That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody!" Lily wants Petunia to look at her. She feels like there is a gap opening up between them, and she desperately wants to bridge it. She walks back towards the swing set and stands beside her sister.

"No!" the boy practically yells, his face red. "You are. You are a witch. I've been watching you for a while. But there's nothing wrong with that. My mum's one, and I'm a wizard."

Petunia laughs a cold, sharp laugh.

"Wizard! I know who you are. You're that Snape boy! They live down Spinner's End by the river. Why have you been spying on us?" Petunia always knows everything and everyone in Cotesworth.

"Haven't been spying. Wouldn't spy on you, anyway, you're a Muggle,” the boy sounds angry, hurt. Lily feels a bit bad about Tuney’s comment. She knows that Spinner’s End is a bad street. He must be embarrassed.

Lily looks at Petunia. Petunia is angry. Maybe she knows what Muggle means. It must be a bad word. Lily will ask her later.

"Lily, come on, we're leaving!" Lily can tell that Tuney is upset. Her voice almost cracks. Muggle must be a really bad word.

Lily glares at the boy and rushes home after Tuney.

~~~

Lily tries to ask Petunia what Muggle means, but Petunia ignores her and goes straight to their mother.

“Mum, Mum, Lily jumped off the swing when it was too high again. I told her not to, but she never listens,” Petunia tattles on Lily.

Their mother looks up sternly but doesn’t seem mad. She pats Petunia on the hand and softly scolds Lily, saying, “Lily dear, please be more careful and mind your sister. She knows what’s best.”

Lily can’t help it. She wants to make up with Petunia, but she hates it when her sister tells on her. She wants to scream. “But Mum!” Lily croaks, tears filling her eyes. Oh, please don’t cry, stupid, stupid, she thinks, “Nothing happened, I’m fine! It wasn’t too high.”

Petunia’s nose is up in the air, and she spits her words out, “Don’t listen to her Mum, she’s lying.”

Lily gapes at her. Petunia and Lily fight a lot, like all siblings do, but Tuney has never called her a liar.

Petunia leaves the room with a huff, and a few seconds later, a door slams shut upstairs.

Lily’s mother gives her a small comforting smile. “She’ll cool off soon, honey. She’s just worried about you.”

Lily hopes Mum is right, but she can’t help the sinking feeling in her stomach.

What if Petunia isn’t worried that Lily might hurt herself? What if she’s mad that Lily can do magic?

Because it is magic, isn’t it? It has to be.

Lily needs to find that Snape boy. He was mean to Tuney, so she could never be friends with him. But he knows about her powers, and she wants to find out more.

She needs to find out more.

~~~

Later, Lily goes upstairs to the bedroom she and Petunia share. Petunia is on her bed, the top bunk. She ignores Lily, adamantly refusing to look in her direction.

“Tuney,” Lily croaks. “Tuney, I’m sorry. Sorry I jumped too high. I won’t do it again, just please don’t be mad.”

Petunia doesn’t answer. It reminds Lily of their father. The silent treatment. He never breaks. When he’s mad, he ices them out. Ever since they were little kids.

“Please, Tuney. I won’t do any of it anymore, if you don’t want me to,” Lily begs.

She always begs with their Dad too. She hates herself for it. She wishes she were stronger. Like Petunia. Petunia never breaks first with their father.

She wants Tuney to talk to her. She doesn’t even really admit to herself that she’s lying. She won’t stop trying to do magic. Especially now that she knows that she hopes that it might actually be magic. But she’ll hide it from Petunia if that’s what it will take for them to make up. Lily hates fighting.

Lily attempts another tactic. She isn’t above lying or begging to get what she wants. But what does Tuney want? That’s what Lily needs to figure out. That’s what always works in the end.

“I’ll let you borrow my pink striped shirt,” Lily tries.

“I don’t want your stupid shirt,” quips Petunia. “It won’t fit me anyway. I’m not a little kid like you.”

This is new. Usually, Petunia likes to share Lily’s clothes. But now that Lily thinks about it, she hasn’t really been doing that lately. Petunia is changing. She’s taller. She has more hair on her legs, Lily noticed it the other day when they were putting on their nightgowns. And, Petunia has two bumps growing on her chest, boobs. Petunia has boobs. Lily feels stupid. Of course, Petunia won’t fit into her pink shirt.

“I could teach you,” Lily blurts out. “I could teach you to do it too.”

She holds her breath waiting. Petunia finally looks at Lily. Her eyes are bright.

“We can both be witches. Good witches. We can do magic together. It will be amazing. Like your games. Even better,” Lily beams at her sister.

“Okay,” Petunia whispers.

“Okay?” Lily sighs with relief.

Everything is going to be fine. She’ll just have to teach Petunia, and then everything will be better than fine. It will be perfect.

~~~

When Lily and Petunia were little, their Mum used to read to them before bed.

Their favorite stories were always the ones with magic in them. Petunia loved The Wonderful Wizard of Oz the most. She always wanted to be Dorthey, so when they would play pretend, Lily had to be the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Scarecrow, or the Tin Man, or the Lion, and even Toto sometimes.

Lily liked the Chronicles of Narnia best. Not all of them, though. At first, her favorite was The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, because, you know, it’s the best one. But later, it was The Magician’s Nephew that she really fell in love with. Reading it felt like all her questions about Narnia were answered, like now she knew the history, the secrets about how to reach that magical world. How Diggory and Polly had been tricked into using the rings, and how they got to get to the Wood Between the Worlds. How Aslan, the Great Lion, created Narnia through his song.

If there really was such a thing as magic. And Lily was sure there must be. And if Lily could truly do magic, then that meant there must be a magical world out there somewhere, and Lily just needed to find out how to get there. She was determined to find it. She didn’t believe that it would take a tornado, like how Dorthey got to Oz, that was silly. But maybe there was a secret passageway (though probably not in a wardrobe), or a ring, or a painting, like in the Chronicles of Narnia. Maybe there was even more than one magical world, like in The Magician’s Nephew. She hoped so. Lily had to know.

And there was only one person she could ask.

Ironically, it was Petunia who had given her the information she needed to find him, and it was also Petunia that she would make sure never found out.

Lily had to wait a few days before she had the opportunity to go looking for the Snape boy. She snuck outside after their Mum took Lily to dance class. She knew her Dad wouldn’t notice she was gone; he was too busy working in the garage. And even if he did notice, she would just say that she had gone to the park. He wouldn’t mind. He never got angry at her for being independent or daring. He liked that Lily was brave. What made him angry was when she wasn’t. When she cried.

Lily took a shortcut by the river to Spinner’s End. She could see the chimney of the textile Mill from the riverbank. The water of the river was always murky and dark, and as she walked, Lily felt fog sneak up on her. She couldn’t help shivering. It had been nice out when she left home. Lily stepped out from the shade of the trees and up towards the row of bleak brick buildings. The street was almost deserted, except for an old man who trudged along slowly up the cobblestones, one foot dragging across the ground with each step.

Lily took a deep breath and skipped over to him.

“Excuse me, sir. Do you happen to know where the Snape residence is?” She blurted out in a rush.

“What’s that?” The man looked startled, as if surprised that another living soul existed in Spinner’s End.

“The Snape house,” Lily said again. “Do you know it?”

“Ah, yes, hmmm.” The man smiled, showing a few rotting teeth in his otherwise empty mouth.

Lily tried not to look too grossed out. She needed his help.

“Number 11,” the man pointed, grinning.

“Thank you so much!” Lily took off at a run, unable to contain her excitement, and stared at the door of number 11. On it was a metal knocker, shaped like the head of a serpent, with glowing green eyes that looked like emeralds.

Lily raised the snake's head and knocked.

A few moments passed, and no one came to the door. So, Lily knocked again. She wasn’t about to give up that quickly. She needed to know if magic was real, and the boy would know. She was sure of it. She wanted to hate him for being mean to Petunia, but she couldn’t forget the way he had looked at her when she jumped.

Finally, Lily heard footsteps and watched as the door opened a crack.

“Go away,” a voice barked out. “We’re not interested in whatever you’re selling, girl.”

Lily is a bit baffled. She’s nine years old, she doesn’t think she looks like a salesman.

“Um, I’m not selling anything. I came to talk to the Snape boy. Is he in?” Lily braves a response.

The man opens the door and looks at her. He must be the boy’s father. He is very tall and broad, with a scraggly beard and dark, hollow eyes. They remind Lily of how the boy’s eyes looked when she walked away. Empty and mean.

“Severus,” the man bellows, “There’s some red-haired chit here to see you.”

A few moments later, the boy runs to the door, dressed in the same weird clothes as last time.

“Come on,” he says, gesturing to Lily as he walks out the door and shuts it in the man’s face, not even sparing him a glance.

Lily follows him as he walks back towards the river. He doesn’t say a word. Just looks back at her every few seconds.

“So, what kind of a name is Severus anyway? Are you foreign?” She picks up her pace to walk next to him and decides to break the silence.

“It’s a wizarding name,” he answers quietly.

“So, it’s real then?” Lily lights up, “Magic is real? The things I can do are really magic?”

Severus stops walking and meets her eye. “Yes, it’s real,” he doesn’t hesitate.

“Can you tell me about it? Is there a magical world? How do we get there? When can we go? Can you teach me how to do more magic?” The words spill out of her mouth before she can stop them.

But Severus doesn’t seem annoyed. His eyes aren’t empty and mean anymore. He’s looking at her like he was when she jumped. He nods slowly, and a smile tugs at his lips.

“Let’s find a place to talk,” he says, “I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

Lily runs ahead. She knows the perfect place.

“Well… Come on,” she calls to him when she sees that he is still standing where she left him.

He runs up to her, his long coat billowing out behind him like a sorcerer’s ropes, or a bat’s wings.

Lily takes him to her favorite clearing in the sparse woods by the river. She and Petunia sometimes come here to play instead of going to the park. It’s more private and perfect for playing make-believe games or sharing secrets.

Severus takes off his coat and lays it on the ground in the middle of the clearing. It’s still a bit foggy out, but a ray of sunshine breaks through the clouds and Lily’s body relaxes just a little as she sits down daintily on his coat.

“I’m Lily, by the way,” Lily isn’t sure if she ever told him her name.

“I know,” he answers, blushing slightly.

“Well,” he clears his throat, “there isn’t exactly a magical world, what I mean is, it’s not separate from this one, not like a parallel universe of something. It’s part of this world, and there are magical people everywhere, like you and me.”

Lily knows her face fell a little. She was hoping for a secret magical world.

“But,” he says, like he’s trying to make her smile again, “there are magical towns and places that non-magical people can’t find, and you can only get there if you can do magic or if you’re with a witch or wizard who can take you.”

“Really?” Lily asks, “Like where? Can you take me?”

“Once you get your letter, we’ll go. I’ll take you to Diagon Alley,” he says excitedly.

“What letter?” Lily asks.

“Your Hogwarts letter. Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. It's a school for magic. It’s where we’ll go to learn how to do magic when we turn eleven,” he explains, “I only know a little bit now. Nothing as cool as what you did at the park.”

“Really? I thought you would know more, since you said your Mum is a witch,” Lily blurts out.

“We’re not really allowed to learn other magic until we start school. I know how to make some potions,” he offers up, “My mum makes potions, and she lets me help her.”

“Wow, that’s wicked! Can you show me?” Lily is ecstatic again.

“Yeah, sometime, maybe, if my Dad isn’t home,” Severus mumbles.

“Oh, I see,” Lily isn’t sure what to say. But she remembers his father’s mean, empty eyes, “Will he get mad?”

“Probably. He’s always mad at her. All they do is argue,” he practically whispers the last few words.

Lily can’t help it. She knows she should hate him. But he looks sad. So, she puts her hand on his and squeezes it ever so slightly.

His features soften, and he changes the subject. “What else do you want to know?”

And honestly, what doesn’t she want to know? He’s in for it. Lily could ask him questions all day. But she decides to start with a simple one.

“Can I call you Sev? Severus is a bit of a mouthful, if I’m being honest,” Lily giggles.

He seems surprised, but not mad. “Yeah, alright,” he replies slowly, drawing out each word, “I’ve never had a nickname before.”

“Friends call each other nicknames,” Lily says without thinking. She knows she shouldn’t be friends with him. Knows that Petunia will be mad. Yet it just feels right somehow. Being here, talking to him. She’ll figure it out. She’ll teach Petunia magic, and then they’ll all be friends.