Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

JERRY SPRUCE: The manager of the Spud Hut. The Spud Hut is the best thing to ever have happened to him and his wife. They sell all sorts of Spuds. Jerry was once friends with Peter Parker, but he didn’t approve of Jerry’s spud topping choices. He needs to win the county fair to get enough money to keep the Spud Hut afloat. Brown skin, tall, old, and lanky build with greying black hair. (Sensitive hero)

TATER: The Spud Hut’s sign spinner. She wears an oversized potato costume and large lopsided headphones. She has a lot of anxiety (and some anger issues on occasion), but likes her job at the Spud Hut and enjoys working for Jerry. Might have a minor crush on Frite, but she hasn’t figured that out yet. (the persecuted heroine)

PETER PARKER: The owner of Potato Palace, a sailor-themed potato store. Very obnoxious and considers himself to be Spud Hut’s arch enemy. Wears a sailor outfit. (The mean villain)

FRITE: The sign spinner at Potato Palace. Very loyal to Peter Parker, but has a soft spot for her fellow sign spinner, Tater. Wears a large potato costume with toppings, and a sailor hat. (the villain’s accomplice, turned faithful friend) (Pronounced freet)

MIKEY: The owner, server, sign spinner, and only employee at the Yam Yurt. Only shows up to be a general pain in the butt to the other potato stand owners in the mall. (the clown)

SCENE ONE

(Scene opens in the interior of the Spud Hut. It’s a small potato-themed restaurant. Tater and Jerry Spruce are behind the counter, admiring a potato on a plate. The potato is glowing as if it’s heavenly, quiet angel-like music plays in the background.)

JERRY SPRUCE

Tater, I think this is it. This is the best Spud I’ve ever made. 

TATER

Yeah, Jerry. We’re gonna win the The Gibson County Fair for sure with this recipe! And then we’ll be rich and we can save your failing business.

JERRY SPRUCE

My business is not failing. We’re just… under hot water. Like a spud.

TATER

…Yeah, cool. Can we start cleaning up? We close in ten minutes.

JERRY SPRUCE

Mmm, yeah, sure. 

(TATER absentmindedly spins her sign, as JERRY SPRUCE picks up his spud recipe. He kisses the spud and puts a cover over it, before storing it.)

JERRY SPRUCE

(cont.) I’ll see you tomorrow, beautiful. 

(The music stops as the potato goes out of view. Suddenly, the door bursts open. PETER PARKER and FRITE enter, saluting.)

PETER PARKER

Ahoy. (gesturing to himself) Peter Parker, Potato Palace.

FRITE

This is an invasion by Potato Palace, your arch enemy, so BACK UP!

PETER PARKER

Back up!

FRITE

(Directing attention towards TATER) Hi.

TATER

Hi.

PETER PARKER

(Looking around) Wow, Jerry. Not a lot of business here. 

(PETER PARKER begins to walk around, inspecting the shop. FRITE spins her sign.)

TATER

(To JERRY SPRUCE) How do we get this gay sailor to leave?

PETER PARKER / JERRY SPRUCE

(In unison) I’m not gay / He’s not gay.

PETER PARKER

I have a betrothed, her name is Yuki. I keep her around my, uh, bedroom… and we have a good relationship. She’s had exes in the past, which I’m not okay with, but I put up with it. She’s had previous people-- she’s been in bed with other people before.

FRITE

He has a pillow girlfriend. (Beat) Anyways, we have the biggest potatoes in the mall.

PETER PARKER

We have created the largest potato, and we’re going to be at the County Fair with--

JERRY SPRUCE

Size doesn’t matter! It’s the inside and the toppings that matter. We’ve got a new potato that’s gonna blow your big potato out of the water.

TATER

Tell ‘em, Jerry! Tell ‘em what it is!

PETER PARKER

Yeah, tell us exactly what it’s called and what it’s ingredients are and how to cook it-- 

JERRY SPRUCE

You’d just steal it, knowing you.

FRITE

Ha! We don’t have to steal it, we’re already--

TATER

(interrupting and sniffing the air) What's that smell in here? It smells like--

(MIKEY, the owner of the Yam Yurt, bursts through the doors.)

MIKEY

THAT WAS ME! It’s me, Mikey. Yam Yurt. Your biggest rival. (Noticing PETER PARKER) Woah, gay guy.

PETER PARKER / JERRY SPRUCE

(In unison) I’m not gay / He’s not gay.

TATER

Micheal, go home.

MIKEY

(Whiney) Shut upppppp!... Anyways. There’s only one way to settle our everlasting feud, Spud Hut.

(MIKEY runs to TATER and begins trying to sword fight her with their signs. TATER screams and uses her sign as a shield as he swings his like a sword. FRITE runs over, grabbing the sign from MIKEY, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it. TATER looks starstruck.)

MIKEY

NOOOOOOO!!!

JERRY SPRUCE

Alright, I think I’m going to ask everyone who is not purchasing a spud to leave.

MIKEY

(Picking his sign up from the ground and sniffling) Fine. See you at the state fair. (MIKEY exits)

TATER

(To FRITE) …Wow. I’ve always wanted to take that sign out of his hand, and you just did it.

FRITE

Why didn’t you do it? It wasn’t that hard. (beat.) You know… Tater, was it?

TATER

Yeah, and Frite?

FRITE

Yeah. You can do hard things… it’s not that hard.

(A beat passes where they look at each other.)

PETER PARKER

Attention!

(FRITE stands up straight and salutes.)

At ease.

(FRITE drops her arm.)

Well, I think I’ve seen enough for today. Seems like you’re failing, as usual. I gotta get to better things, AKA my girlfriend Yuki, who is a girl and I’m not gay.

FRITE

(To TATER) See you at the state fair.

TATER

Yeah. See ya.

(PETER PARKER and FRITE exit.)

SCENE TWO

(The scene opens at the state fair. There are three visible stands, one for the Yam Yurt that hasn’t been set up yet, one from Potato Palace that looks very professional, and the Spud Hut stand in the center, looking somewhere in between. The owners are behind the stands, each with a potato hidden under one of those silver cover thingies. The sign spinners are in front of the stand, each spinning their respective signs.)

JERRY SPRUCE

(Whispering to his spud) I believe in you. You can do this. You are strong. You are brave.

TATER

(Choked up) Thanks, boss. 

PETER PARKER

He wasn’t talking to you, stupid. He’s whispering to his spud.

TATER

Oh.

(MIKEY runs on stage, holding various items to set up his stand.)

JERRY SPRUCE

Ah, Mikey. I see you’ve finally made an appearance. Don’t you know the early bird catches the worm?

MIKEY

Yeah, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

FRITE

Whatever, just set up your stand so we can start already. 

MIKEY

Heh, gladly. You just wait. 

(MIKEY sets a tiny skateboard down on the table and puts a potato on the skateboard. He picks up his sign and goes behind the stand, spinning his sign. He is clearly done setting up and the only thing on his stand is a single potato on a skateboard. The other stands stare, confused.)

FRITE

Is… is that it?

MIKEY

I call it The Spud Board™

JERRY SPRUCE

…okay.

PETER PARKER
(directing attention to JERRY SPRUCE) Clock’s ticking, Spruce. The judges will be coming through any minute. You ready to unveil?

JERRY SPRUCE

Of course. I was born ready.

(Both grab the top cover of their spuds but don’t pull it off yet)

PETER PARKER

On three. One…

JERRY SPRUCE

Two…

FRITE / TATER

Three.

(JERRY SPRUCE and PETER PARKER rip the covers off their spuds, revealing two spud recipes that look identical. The only difference is that the Potato Palace spud is significantly larger. JERRY SPRUCE and TATER are appalled, PETER PARKER looks smug, and FRITE looks vaguely confused.)

JERRY SPRUCE

My… MY SPUD!! THAT’S MY SPUD RECIPE!!!

PETER PARKER

(Laughing) NOT ANYMORE! MY SPUD IS EVERYTHING YOURS WAS AND MORE!

TATER

CHEATER!! CHEATER CHEATER YAM EATER!!

MIKEY

(offended) 

Hey--

FRITE
(Pulling PETER PARKER aside as JERRY SPRUCE and TATER continue to yell) What is this, Peter? This isn’t the spud we made.

PETER PARKER

Our spud was compost, Frite! Their spud was incredible. This is the only way we can win, and you know the Potato Palace needs this prize money!

FRITE

But I don’t want to win like this--

PETER PARKER

It doesn’t matter!! Now do your job and watch the stand, I’m gonna go buy deep-fried butter on a stick. Do you want one?

FRITE

(seething) No.

PETER PARKER

Your loss.

(PETER PARKER exits, FRITE stands in front of their stand, looking confused and angry. JERRY SPRUCE is curled up on the floor in distress and TATER is still yelling furiously, telling him to get back up and stick to his guns. MIKEY is unbothered and messing with a finger skateboard. TATER notices PETER PARKER’s disappearance and focuses her attention on FRITE.)

TATER

(furiously) What are you looking at, sailor? Ready to rub it in?

FRITE

What? No, I just--

TATER

You’re nothing but a lousy thief. I never should have trusted you.

FRITE

No, Tater, listen! This wasn’t my plan-- I didn’t even know he was doing this!

TATER

(Beat.) Oh yeah? Prove it.

FRITE

…I will. JERRY!

JERRY SPRUCE

(sitting up behind the stand, still clearly distraught.) Whuh..?

FRITE

We’re gonna get rid of this fat spud… and I’m gonna need your guys’ help.

JERRY SPRUCE

It’s no use… There’s no trash bins nearby, and even if we did throw it out, Peter could show the ruined spud to the judges and claim sabotage. 

FRITE

Who said anything about throwing it out? We’re not gonna waste a perfectly good spud, are we?

(FRITE smiles mischievously, as realization slowly dawns on JERRY SPRUCE and TATER’s faces.)

SCENE THREE

(MIKEY takes downstage center, the other characters stage freeze behind him.)

MIKEY

Hey, guys. Mikey here. I’m the narrator now. That’s right, I’m omnipotent and all powerful. Mikey! Anyway uh, this scene is, like, majorly gross. It's just three people eating an entire giant spud within a minute. They go kinda crazy, you really don’t have to see it. I’m just gonna speed it up a bit. Consider it a favor, y’know?

(MIKEY does a kickflip and skateboards back to his stand. He dramatically claps twice, and everyone bursts back to life.)

(Within a few seconds, JERRY SPRUCE, TATER, and FRITE over-exaggeratedly go to town on the giant potato, mashed potato flying around the stage. The scene happens comedically fast, as if someone is fast-forwarding it. Within seconds they’ve finished the giant potato. All three lounge around in various levels of exhaustion, covered in potato guts.)

JERRY SPRUCE

Ohhh, I really am a genius. That spud was remarkable.

TATER

(Burps) I’m sorry I misjudged you, Frite.

FRITE

S’okay. It happens.

(PETER PARKER enters stage again, wearing a bunch of various fair-themed merch he’d somehow bought within just a few minutes. Noticing the spud’s carnage, he drops his merch, an expression of pure shock on his face.)

PETER PARKER

NO!! NO, MY SPUD!!

JERRY SPRUCE

Please, it was MY SPUD! It was NEVER yours!

PETER PARKER

FRITE, HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!?

FRITE

I joined the winning team, Peter. (FRITE smiles at TATER.) 

(PETER PARKER storms off, throwing his dumb little sailor hat on the ground.)

FRITE

(To JERRY SPRUCE) Also, uh, any chance I can get a job?

JERRY SPRUCE

Well… I suppose with the prize money, I could afford to pay two sign spinners…

FRITE / TATER

YES!

(JERRY SPRUCE, FRITE, and TATER freeze in various celebratory poses)

(MIKEY skateboards back downstage center.)

MIKEY

Hey guys, it’s me again. Mikey. And so, with the power of friendship, the Spud Hut won the The Gibson County Fair. Peter Parker tried to sell his plasma and then gamble the money he earned, but lost everything and soon bankrupted his business. His girlfriend, Yuki, left him for a discord moderator. Jerry Spruce continued to have a great relationship with his wife, and eventually gave birth to some spuds of his own. Frite and Tater spun signs together, in more ways than one. 

And as for good ‘ole Mikey? Well, let’s just say…

(MIKEY attempts to do another kickflip, but biffs it and falls to the ground unmoving. Beat. Everyone is still frozen.)

(The End)

Chapter Text

TATER: One of the sign spinners for the Spud Hut. Anxious and pathetic but tries her best. She wears a large potato costume and oversized headphones. Possibly has a crush on Frite.

JERRY: The boss of the Spud Hut, too sick to come to work.

FRITE: The other sign spinner, much more confrontational than Tater. Has a crush on Tater. Also wears a potato costume, but hers has toppings on the front.

AUGUSTUS: An odd man with grey hair and an affinity for rats.

SARAH: A cranky detective woman with greasy hair and a badge.

JOCK: A man trying too hard to impress Tater, somewhat of a sleazeball.

KAREN: Cranky, passive aggressive middle-aged woman who wants to speak to a manager.

SCENE ONE

(Scene opens to the interior of a small potato-themed store. TATER is calling on her phone, looking panicked.)

TATER

Jerry, please, you have to come! You’re my boss, you founded the Spud Hut--I’ve never worked without you telling me what to do, I can’t do it! 

JERRY

(From the phone, voice sickly.) Sorry, Tater. I feel more nauseous than that time I tried to make a chum spud, and I’m so boiling hot I feel like I’m about to become a baked potato myself. I’ve gotta rest, you’re on your own.

TATER

No--wait! I’m just the sign spinner, I don’t know how to--

JERRY

Sorry-but-you’re-in-charge-bye!

(Phone hangs up. FRITE enters with a large sign advertising the Spud Hut.)

FRITE

Morning, fellow sign-spinner.

TATER

(In a panic.) Frite! Coworker of whom I have no complicated feelings for! Thank god you’re here! Jerry’s sick and he put me in charge!

FRITE

Oh, nice--Promotion, good for you.

TATER

No! Not nice! I can’t be in charge--I’m just a sign spinner! And I don’t know how to talk to customers!!

FRITE

Chill out. No one comes here anyway, it's the emptiest store in the mall. You probably won’t have to do anything.

(Ding plays as the door opens. TATER looks increasingly panicked as AUGUSTUS, SARAH, JOCK, and KAREN enter, all getting into line.)

TATER

(Frightened, whispering to FRITE.) You jinxed me!

AUGUSTUS

What?

TATER

Nothing! No one said anything! Ha! Ha.. ha ha. Ha. (Awkward beat.) Uh, what would you like?

AUGUSTUS

(Stroking a rat in his arms.) Hmmm…

FRITE

Woah, is that a rat?

AUGUSTUS

Yes. His name is Augustus Junior. He will one day rule the world.

FRITE

Oh. Okay.

KAREN

(From back of line.) Excuse me? Can you please hurry up? Some of us have kids to go back to, you know.

AUGUSTUS

I have children. Many, in fact. Sixteen rats. This one is my favorite though, so I named him after me--Augustus Junior. The others are going to get mental complexes when they grow up due to my clear favoritism, and will need years of therapy. My favorite will grow up to be a horrible person, but it is okay, because he will still be my favorite.

TATER

…How about the Brazilian Spud?

AUGUSTUS

Hm. Let me speak to my counsel. (AUGUSTUS puts the rat to his ear for a moment, then nods and lowers it.) A Brazilian Spud will suffice. 

TATER

(Handing AUGUSTUS a potato.) Thank you bye--have a good day!

(AUGUSTUS exits with rat, SARAH moves forward to front of line. FRITE spins her sign.)

SARAH

(Smoking.) Bartender, a stiff drink. I’m about to lampoon some man-poon tonight.

TATER

You can’t smoke--

SARAH

(cont.) I’ve got a busy day of detective work. The creekside killer has moved on to rivers.

TATER

Okay, uh—

FRITE

We don’t sell drinks, we’re a potato place.

SARAH

WHAT?! Then why am I here? I’m wasting precious time!

(SARAH runs out, mumbling to herself. JOCK moves to front of line.)

JOCK

(Vaguely seductive.) Hey.

TATER

(Oblivious.) Hi, what would you like?

JOCK

What’s the… hottest thing on the menu?

(FRITE glares threateningly at JOCK.)

TATER

Like the best thing? Uh--

JOCK

(Stretching. To no one in particular.) Ugh, I’m so sore from creating my own path…

TATER

My favorite is probably the Pride Spud?

JOCK

Oh. (JOCK looks at TATER, then FRITE, then back at TATER.) I’m in enemy territory.

(JOCK exits, rolling away on wheelie-shoes. KAREN steps to the front.)

KAREN

Finally. This place is… cute! So quaint, I love the… yeah. Oh man, so many choices. Do you have wine?

FRITE

Why is everyone asking for alcohol today?

TATER

(increasingly frustrated.) We don’t sell alcohol, ma’am; we don’t have an alcohol licence. 

KAREN

Well that’s silly. Why don’t you get one?

TATER

I don’t know. I just work here.

KAREN

Can I speak to your manager? Does he have wine?

TATER

(Shortly.) No, he’s home sick today. And probably not?  (extremely frustrated now.) Can you please just order something?

KAREN

Wowww, cranky-cranky! You can’t figure anything out? Anything at all? Weird. Don’t you know the customer is always right?

FRITE

Hey—

TATER

THAT’S IT! I’M IN CHARGE TODAY, SO I CAN TELL YOU TO ORDER OR GET OUT.

KAREN

Goodness gracious! You’re really gonna make me walk around the entire mall, all the way to the other side of the fashion square where my van is parked?

TATER

YES!

KAREN

Fine. But I will find wine on the way to my car. I will drink it. And I will drive my car.

(FRITE kicks KAREN out. TATER sighs and flips the door sign to “closed”.)