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Chapter Text

July, 1975

Was it spelt drunkenness or drunkness?

Remus tapped the pages of his black leather journal with a pen he had picked up from the house yesterday. Words had started to pour out of Remus’ mind the second he had been left in his own, boring company. It was his escape to scribble down rhymes and unclear structures, but at the moment he couldn’t even think hard enough to remember whether the state of being drunk was spelt drunkenness or drunkness. Obviously, Remus wasn’t the kind of person to know that from the top of his head, but then again, he was exactly that kind of person. Most of the time, he wasn’t sure what kind of individual he was. He knew neither what sort he was supposed to be, or what he wanted to be.

If speaking truthfully, Remus wasn’t sure of anything—guessing and doubting; those were something he was more used to.

Buried in my own drunk(en)ness,
Can’t feel your happiness
It stomps all over me,
Leaves me alone on a Sunday

Remus sounded like shit, and he was nothing but aware of it. Some days he just liked flipping through the pages of his journal, reading words in between and making new phrases out of them. It rarely worked gracefully, but what else could possibly keep Remus’ rarely unoccupied state of mind entertained? Probably lots of normal everyday things, like going out of the house every once in a while or calling back to friends, who had been trying to reach him since the first day of summer break.

Pills and weed,
Trees and a hill
If I run,
You’ll run too

Now that was simply too taciturn and stupid. Who the fuck wrote about drugs and running up a hill? Excluding the drug addicted musicians, of course.

Remus let a heavy sigh out of his mouth, and closed the leather journal, placing it onto the end of his bed. He was sitting up against the wall, legs laying on the sheets, albeit they took up so much space Remus was in a slight predicament. Sometimes he wished he would just stop growing. As if six feet wasn’t already enough, Remus’ growth didn’t seem likely to stop anytime soon. His friends had a habit of teasing him about his height, but well, the teasing went both ways.

Usually in the summer Remus missed his school friends, but this summer was different. Remus hadn’t picked up the phone since the start of the holidays, not even once. He simply hadn’t felt like it. As it was, it felt nice to be isolated from one life to escape it by living another. Perhaps it was weird, perhaps quite normal, but Remus liked his own company. It wasn’t so bad once he got used to the endless stream of his thoughts.

Besides, when Remus was alone, there was nobody to be pleasant to. He could be just the version of himself he liked the best, and there weren't a bunch of pricks complaining or nagging about it into his ear. The private boarding school snobs were getting on Remus’ last nerve most days he was there—he had enjoyed the silence of his room all summer.

“Remus, dear, can I come in?” There was a knock on the door, and Remus straightened his posture. “Yeah!”

Behind the door stood Lizzie, dressed in a pink apron, holding a food-stained spatula in one hand. Her slowly graying curly hair was tied up negligently, and angular eyeglasses were hanging from her neck. “Dinner’s ready in a few minutes, sweetie. Do you want to come down with me already? Johnny got home from work a few minutes ago, I’m sure he’d be happy about the company!”

Lizzie was gentle and kind; she was practically Remus’ mother, and he couldn’t possibly refuse her offer. “Course I’ll come. S'Art home yet?”

“Oh, he’s still out, but I told him to come home by six,” Lizzie said, smiling softly and checking the time from Remus’ bedroom clock. “Well, it’s six soon. He’ll be here in a few minutes, and if not…” Lizzie clicked her tongue. “Luckily Magnolia’s been helping me out! She made the dessert—be a nice boy, Remus, compliment the pie for me, please!”

“Yeah, I’ll do that.”

Lizzie gave Remus one last smile before turning around. Soon Remus heard her steps echoing further away, and he decided to stand up, stretching every limb of his body. The afternoon sun was reflecting onto the London city buildings that could be seen from Remus’ bedroom window. He often watched them, wondering what was happening inside of each one. In the tall block of flats with black windowsills built from red bricks, was living a family of five in the top apartment. The dad’s name was Richard, mum’s was Sally, and they had kids named Wally, Matthew and Rhiannon. They were quite the dream family. In the flat next to them was living a rich teenage girl, Charlotte, who had just moved in all by herself. She didn’t know anything about real life, nobody had ever really taught her. Charlotte usually had older men over, they did lots of speed and sometimes smack. She wasn’t happy, and–

“Oi, come down here you lazy arsehole!”

“Fucking hell,” Remus muttered under his breath as he realised he had got caught up in his own world again. As quickly as possible, he hurtled out of his room, walked to the stairs through the hallway covered in all kinds of different paintings, and made it a run to go down the stairs into the dining room.

“Lupin, you look like shit!”

“Language, Artemius!” Lizzie scolded her son, and smacked him with a kitchen towel right over the head. “Mum, what the fu– Fuengirola!”

Remus couldn’t help but smile amusedly at the confused sandy haired boy. Art was a whole head taller than his mother, but Lizzie had still managed to hit him straight to the back of his head. They looked a lot alike—Art and Lizzie. Both of them had these overly susceptible brown eyes that made Remus want to give them a hug just by looking at them. The kind smile was also genetic, just like the dark and defined eyebrows.

“Let it go, boy,” said Johnny from the dining table. He was sitting with glasses on his nose, eyes half closed and a newspaper spread out on the table in front of him. “You know your mother is a force to be reckoned with.”

“Yes, I certainly am,” Lizzie noted with a deep nod, “so sit down and wait. And absolutely no swear words anymore, got it?”

“Yeah, mum. Sorry.”

“Now that’s more like it.” Lizzie was smiling again with her hands on her hips. “Remus, love, why don’t you sit down too? We’ll bring out the food with Magnolia.”

With that said, Lizzie scampered back to the kitchen, and Remus did as he was told. He sat down to the dining table opposite Art, who was already grinning at him from ear to ear. That grin was definitely contagious, because Remus had the same one covering his mouth in an instant.

“So, y'wanna know what I was up to today, Jumpy John?”

“Oh, for the love of God, stop calling me that.”

“Why, it’s so hilarious!” Art laughed and leaned back on his chair, bringing out that scar on his jaw that he had gotten as a kid.

“It’s not fu– fudging funny!” Remus hissed, realising mid sentence that Johnny was sitting at the table too. He threw a worried look at the old man, but he seemed as unphased as always.

“Alright, no to Jumpy John. You’ll never know if shagged a pretty girl in a changing room then!”

That got a slight eyebrow raise from Johnny, but Art was truly just like his mother—a force to be reckoned with, and an even more difficult one.

“Well, if you tell a story like that I can only assume there’s at least something real you’ve based it on,” Remus reasoned, annoying Art very knowingly.

“Oi, I’m not all that stu–”

“Oh my hideous, crazy brother! So nice to finally see you! I didn’t get a chance to talk to you yesterday, though now I remember there was this dirty-looking bum living in your place.”

Art rolled his eyes dramatically, and turned to look at his sister, who had just come into the dining room. She was really hard not to notice, and Remus watched too as she carried a tray to the dining table and placed it in front of Johnny. “Mum made this seriously delicious beef, dad, you should really try it. I think you’ll fall in love all over again!”

“Oh, come here, my girl,” Johnny grunted and closed his newspaper, pressing a kiss onto each one of Magnolia’s cheeks. After that, she sat down between Johnny and Art, giving Remus a beautiful smile.

Magnolia was beautiful, not only her smile, but the whole of her—outside and inside. She had the same curly hair as her mother, only it was light like the beaches in the south. And those brown eyes, just the same as Art’s and Lizzie’s. God, Remus would probably never get tired of looking at them. Magnolia had a sharp nose, high cheekbones and moles covering most of her body. She also had a birthmark in the shape of a heart up on her back and those defined eyebrows everyone in the family had. Magnolia had quite the eye for art, and it was certainly better than Remus’. She wrote better than anyone he had ever met before, and she could paint very well too. A few of her artworks were in the second floor hallway, hanging on the wall for everybody to admire.

“So, have you all washed your hands?” Lizzie's voice carried into Remus’ ears as she walked to the dining room with two more trays. She placed them on the table evenly, and let her hair down. “Johnny?”

The gray haired man laughed with a bass voice. “Only you would accuse your husband of not washing his hands before the children, my sweet love!”

“Well, I can never be sure of you, darling, can I?”

Art made a gagging noise, and acted to vomit all over his plate. “Can we just eat? I don’t wanna listen to your ‘sweet’ name calling for the whole evening!”

“Can’t look at people in love, can you? Just ‘cause you don’t get any, doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn't,” Magnolia joked and made a fake sad face at her brother.

“As if you had a bloody lover, Malia.”

“Art, what have I told you!”

“Sorry, mum! Really, I’m sorry!”

“Oh, well, we’re all just hungry,” Lizzie sighed, shaking her head, and sat down next to Remus. “Let’s say grace before we eat, shall we?”

Grace was over shortly—Remus had never adapted to saying it before every meal, but he supposed it was a nice enough custom. The Carell family wasn’t very religious either, but Lizzie was sentimental over the things her own parents had taught her in their time. They were long gone by now, and Remus had never actually met them, but sometimes he felt like he had known them all along. Lizzie talked so reverently about her parents that it made Remus jealous.

The food was passed to everyone at the table in turns, and as they all started to eat, Remus had to admit that Lizzie’s beef was really tasteful. It could’ve just been his never ending hunger and desire for food, but Lizzie was also a great cook. She was good at all the motherly things Remus’ own mother had never truly cared about.

“So, Art, which friends did you go to see today? I don’t think you mentioned it to me earlier,” Lizzie asked while cutting up her potatoes. She looked up at Art shortly, who was grinning wide at Remus again. “Oh, just Roy and Hugh.”

Lizzie nodded with a thoughtful look on her face. “Wasn’t Hugh’s mother the school headmaster’s mistress?”

As the words came out of Lizzie’s mouth, Johnny almost choked on his drink, Art had to cough a piece of meat out of his throat, and Remus was experiencing difficulties with keeping a poker face. Magnolia had pursed her lips together and looked less alarmed. “Mum, that was a rumour.”

“And cows fly!” Lizzie exclaimed, wiping the corners of her mouth with a handkerchief. “She was clearly in love with him! You know, she got into his car every lunch break to blow him, and on Fridays she always came to the parking lot after school had ended and–”

“Alright, I think we’ve all heard enough, dear,” Johnny interrupted, giving his wife an eyebrow raise. “After all, this is dinner, not the book club.”

“Thanks for the reminded,” Art murmured, and shoved a mouthful of beef into his mouth, looking a little embarrassed.

The dinner went on quite normally after Lizzie’s outburst on Hugh’s mother’s affairs. Remus was asked about his day, which he replied to by telling about the book he had read earlier. He hadn’t done much tonight, just read, wrote and showered. Remus learned that Johnny had had a problem with his boss today at work, which had made him irritated. The law company Johnny worked for was apparently a target for the loopy magazines to write false articles about. One had been about Johnny’s boss and his wife getting a divorce over some nasty business, which wasn’t true, of course. Although Johnny told everyone at the table that this had always been happening in the industry, no one was happy about it. In a few weeks there would probably be fake articles about Johnny, possibly the whole Carell family.

Johnny’s news had put everyone in a strange mood, so when Magnolia suddenly announced that she had gotten into the Camberwell School of Arts Lizzie skreighed out of joy, and ran to the other side of the table to hug her daughter tightly. Johnny clapped Magnolia on the back supportively, and Art made a stupid joke like the idiot he could be. Remus just smiled so much his face hurt and wondered why Magnolia hadn’t broken the news earlier. He knew this had always been a dream of hers—go to Camberwell, learn everything about art and create as much as her soul pleases. Magnolia wrote stories and poems, she painted, she drew sometimes, she played the piano, she listened to music, she had a desire to see humans for something more. Remus adored that.

When dinner was eaten, and Lizzie brought out the dessert, she had already forgotten all about Johnny’s work problems and was beaming about her daughter getting into Camberwell. Happiness looked good on Lizzie—she didn’t really suit sadness, though Remus was sure most people didn’t anyway.

“Good pie, by the way,” Remus said to Magnolia as they were devouring the apple pie, and he remembered his promise to Lizzie. Magnolia knew for sure her mother was behind that compliment, but she just smiled politely. “Thanks, RJ.”

She liked to call Remus RJ. He thought it sounded like a horrible gang name.

“Why didn’t you tell us about Camberwell right away?” Remus asked as the question popped into his head. Lizzie and Johnny were having their own conversation about the theater performance they were going to go watch tomorrow, and Art was eating with so much concentration, it seemed very unlikely that he was listening.

“Well, I thought about it, obviously,” Magnolia shrugged, taking a sip out of her tea cup. “I only got the letter two weeks ago. Most of my friends who got in have had the letter since late spring, so I don’t know why I didn’t get it sooner. But yeah, the moment was never right before.”

Remus didn’t know if he was satisfied with Magnolia’s answer, but he would probably have to be—Magnolia didn’t like to talk about herself, she was all about getting to know other people, and hiding her true self.

“So, you’re still gonna continue in that poshy boarding school of yours then? Hogwarts, is it?”

Remus nodded reluctantly. “Dad paid everything up to year 13, so figured it’s the least I can do for him now.”

Magnolia looked sad. No, she just looked beautiful again. “You know it’s not your fault. Never was.”

“Yeah, I know. It was mum’s fault.”

Remus didn’t like to talk about that. He didn’t know why he was talking about it. Better stop before he would say something irreversible again.

“You shouldn’t blame her for not–”

“Just stop,” Remus cut off Magnolia’s sentence. “Look, it’s nice that you care, but no. I’m not doing this.”

She raised her eyebrows, giving him an unreadable expression. “Alright.”

For the rest of the dinner Remus tried not to look at Magnolia, because every time he did, he was reminded of everything he tried to forget. Lizzie’s and Johnny’s conversation was entertaining enough to pay attention to, and Art was luckily in a better mood once he had finished all of his food and had a full stomach. He was hellish when he was hungry.

While everyone else started cleaning out the table, Remus noticed Magnolia disappear up the stairs quietly. He stacked the plates on top of each other, and sighed deeply as he watched the last of her vanish. Maybe he could try to talk to her later, although Magnolia must have been aware he wasn’t up for the family conversation. Remus rarely was.

He simply wished he had a family of his own like the Carells.

***

“You’re beautiful,” Remus whispered, thrusting his hips slowly against Magnolia. “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.”

She breathed heavily against his neck, making him shiver in excitement. He had his eyes closed, imagining all the curves of Magnolia’s body touching his bare skin from underneath. He could smell the attic, but the scent of Magnolia was stronger. It wasn’t perfume nor a synthetic smell, but it was… sweet. She tasted sweet, she felt sweet, she touched him sweetly. Remus was all over her, focusing on little details, breathing in every inch of the pretty girl. Magnolia was his dream.

“Je t’aime, Remus.” The unfamiliar French left Magnolia’s lips as Remus pressed deeper into her, and gave a kiss onto her neck. He knew she didn’t mean it, she never really did. “Tu es la lumière de ma vie, mon cher.”

With a soft groan, Remus finished, sliding his hands on Magnolia’s body and breathing heavily against her skin. She moved her head, long curls falling out of place, making Remus’ neck tickle. For a long while they were only lying on the attic bed, eyes closed, dim lighting caving them in. Remus’ mind was full of pictures of Magnolia, her eyes following his every move, and her hands exploring his body thoroughly. He was bad for it all; imagining Magnolia the way he did, but what else was he supposed to do, when she gave him all of it first hand. She didn’t care about getting hurt—she wasn’t the one getting hurt.

As the two teenagers finally parted, Remus lifted onto the other side of the bed, and he gave Magnolia a look, eyes still wild from their moment together. “We’re fucking hopeless,” he said, voice raspy and worn out, as he took off the used condom and threw it into the empty trash bin next to the bed.

A mischievous smile rose onto Magnolia’s lips. “What good is hope, when there’s nothing else in life to hope for?”

Remus had to cover his mouth, curved into a stupid grin, with the blanket they were lying under. “God, you’re such a poet!” he groaned.

“And you’re not?” Magnolia giggled. Her lipstick was extremely smudged, mascara too, but nothing compared to how happy she looked right there, exposed and naked right next to Remus. “You know, you’re not very great at hiding your journal. Maybe try to be more discreet about your shitty hiding spots, if you don’t want others reading it.”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Her sunlight curls,
Oak wood eyes,
I’m weak in my knees,
Oh would you save me, plea–”

As Magnolia quoted Remus’ words straight out of his journal, he had to shut her off by pressing the blanket over her face. Magnolia just laughed, eyes still beaming at Remus’ red face as he was holding the blanket over her mouth, pressing their bodies together again. He was used to being embarrassed of the shit he wrote in his journal, but now that he knew Magnolia had seen it all, he wanted to blow himself up. She had seen all the sappy things Remus had written in there. She had also seen the sad, miserable side of him he was keen on keeping hidden, although that was far from possible with a girl like Magnolia.

“Could you maybe possibly lift the blanket so I could bloody breathe?” Magnolia asked, voice muffled and almost nonexistent. Remus didn’t exactly wish to suffocate her, so he rolled himself off of her, taking the blanket’s weight away with him.

“Geez, you’re such a gentleman, shushing a girl with a blanket, and nearly killing her,” Magnolia commented then, giving Remus a playful smirk.

“Don’t do that,” he pleaded. “You’re so cruel to me.”

Magnolia’s laugh echoed everywhere around the wooden walls of the attic. It was the place they used as their secret safe haven. They didn’t precisely need one, but Remus wasn’t about to announce to everyone in the house how he was just casually shagging Magnolia, nothing more. Lizzie and Johnny had given him a home, and he had taken it for granted, making their daughter spiral into the mess of his life with him. No, it wasn’t like that, but it was never an impossibility.

“I’m sorry if I’m too cruel,” Magnolia apologized with a genuine expression, but it scattered off right away. “Do you want a smoke? I got something stronger from Javi—he says it’s only grass, but who knows.”

Remus couldn’t exactly say no to the huge smile Magnolia had on her face. “Yeah, why not.”

Magnolia got up first, the white blanket sliding off of her bare figure, revealing her naked back. Her hair was a tangled mess, sticking and falling everywhere. Magnolia put on the plain white top she had had on earlier, and the pajama shorts that had been thrown quite far from the bed. Remus watched Magnolia as she walked around the furniture-filled attic, mostly used as a storage for everything that didn’t fit anywhere else in the house. Not too long after Remus rose from the bed, and put his clothes back on. He threw on the decrepit Rolling Stones print t-shirt from the floor and his blue jeans that were tearing from countless seams.

When Remus was fully dressed again, he walked up to Magnolia, and sat next to her on the windowsill. She had already opened the window, letting the chilly wind splash onto their heated faces. Remus was glad he could hear the noise from downtown, see people walking down the streets drunkenly, and feel the London air filling up his nose completely. He hardly noticed as Magnolia lit up one of the fags Javi had given her, but be noted that they were clearly rolled by Javi himself. As Magnolia got her own cigarette lit, she offered Remus one and gave it the magic of her lighter too.

Remus breathed in and out the smoke, eyeing Magnolia and the city lights by turns. He had to admit; the stuff in the fags was great, even though he was pretty sure it wasn’t just weed. What else could you put into cigarettes though? Remus was convinced there were so many drugs in the world that no one knew about all of them. Nobody was the all-knowing drug lord—there had to be some unknown stuff that hadn’t officially been discovered yet. Maybe Remus could start seeking new drugs. He would probably be done by thirty, and live like a careless man after that.

“What’re you thinking?” Magnolia dared to ask, blowing a ring of smoke into the air. Remus didn’t know how to do that, but apparently Magnolia did. She knew everything anyway—making smoke rings couldn’t be the most shocking of her abilities.

“I’m thinking of drugs, and how I’d probably be thirty-years-old, when I’d finally tried each and every one.”

“Are you serious?”

Remus nodded, widening his eyes ironically. “Yup.”

Magnolia tilted her head, biting her lip a moment later. “You’re funny, Remus, you really are.”

“I don’t know what I should say.”

Magnolia shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. Let’s listen to music.”

She jumped off the windowsill, and walked up to the bed, kneeling over to look under it. After a while Magnolia pulled out a dusty, old-looking record player, and set it onto the floor, eyes gleaming in the dim light. Remus was sure he looked like an idiot as he leaped up onto his feet with so much excitement, still having the burning fag between his lips. Magnolia had put out her own already, but Remus wasn’t done yet.

“There’s a fucking record player here, and you never told me?!” he beamed, eyes wandering on the small silvery details of the player.

“A girl’s got to have a few secrets, don’t you think?”

“Not if they’re like this!”

Magnolia was seemingly glad about Remus’ enthusiasm, and before he could ask about records, Magnolia had reached under the bed again and pulled out a cardboard box this time. Inside, there was a collection of vinyls Remus had only seen one person own before. Neil Young, Billy Joel, The Doors, Al Green, The Who, The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, The Kinks and Queen were all in the same little cardboard box amongst some other bands and artists. Remus was in awe—he flipped through the records like a book, and admired the cover of each one of them.

“So, what d'you wanna play?” Magnolia looked at Remus kindly. She really was too kind for him. “The Who, definitely.”

Magnolia picked the album ‘Who’s Next’, and placed it onto the centre of the record player, pressing some buttons and switches to work it. As the starting track, ‘Baba O’Riley’ began playing, Remus lay onto the hard wooden floor on his back, and stared at the attic ceiling in silence. He still had that cigarette between his lips, taking a drag out of it between the chorus’. Magnolia lay right next to Remus, her fingers interlocking with his, making the air between them electrify.

“Sally, take my hand
We’ll travel south cross land
Put out the fire
And don’t look past my shoulder
The exodus is here
The happy worlds are near
Let’s get together,
Before we get much older”

“Remus, can I ask you something?” Magnolia’s voice reached Remus’ ears as the song was ending. He turned to look at her with a questioning look on his face. “What is it?”

“When was the last time you went to see your mum?”

Oh, not this again, Remus thought. He had had this exact conversation with Magnolia too many times before. “Really, you’re interested in this again?”

“Well, yes, I am,” Magnolia insisted. “Your mum’s not the bad person here, Remus.”

“Right, she isn’t,” he muttered, and turned to look away from Magnolia. “I won’t speak about this again.”

“You really bloody should!”

Remus couldn’t believe it. Magnolia never yelled, not even when he deserved it. She was all about keeping things calm and comfortable, but maybe this was a touchy subject or something. As Remus turned to face Magnolia, he noticed how she was desperate to talk to him. It did make sense—she never let anyone else’s problems trouble her, and this was evidently bothering not only Remus, but also everyone he was around.

“I’m sorry,” Remus apologized slowly, “but I can’t see why you’re so moved about me not seeing my mum. She’s in– She’s in the fucking hospital, not because she’s dying—simply because she’s– She’s crazy! She ruined our family. She ruined me! She never really thinks about how anyone else feels—it’s just all fucking her!”

Remus was quite stunned by his own outburst. He had crossed his legs, and was now unawarely sitting on the floor, staring right at Magnolia, who had also risen up from her back, and looked rather furious. She truly hated yelling, which Remus felt guilty for now.

“Look, I’m not saying your mum’s perfect, but can’t you see that she’s trying?”

Remus swallowed stubbornly. “No, in fact, I can’t.”

Magnolia sighed, shaking her head, and went over every little detail on Remus’ face with her eyes before coming closer to him again. “She sent you a letter weeks ago, and you haven’t even read it. She sent it, and is waiting for a reply. She just wants company. Do you realise how alone she is, when you basically forbid my mum from going to see her?”

Now Remus felt horrible—Magnolia had a way of putting things that made him actually think about his stupid decisions, reminiscing about everything he had ever done. After his mother had sent that bloody letter, Remus had thrown it into his trunk, so he could read it hundreds of miles away from his mother rather than only a few, but clearly it wasn’t working very well. Moreover, he had exploded at Lizzie, and made her promise she wouldn’t visit Remus’ mum anymore, not without at least telling him. It had been cruel, and Lizzie had forgiven Remus for his words, but nobody had visited Hope Lupin in the hospital all summer. That was the horrible part; Remus had cut everyone out of his mother’s life; there were only the nurses and doctors left, but everyone with an emotional bond was not in her daily life anymore.

“How can you always be so fucking kind and supportive?” Remus nearly whispered, raising his dampen eyes at her. He wouldn’t cry though, not in front of her.

Magnolia smiled slightly. “Because Art is a complete git, and I have to balance out the gitness with kindness.”

That made Remus let out a tired laugh. The Who was still playing in the background, one of Remus’ favourites off of the album now beating the rhymes into his ears.

“Black ash from the foundry
Hangs like a hood
But the air is perfumed
By the burning firewood”

“I love this song,” Remus notified Magnolia, who had a joyful expression on her face.

“The seeds are bursting
The spring is seeping
Lay down my darling
Love ain’t for keeping”

“I know you like this song,” she replied. “I love it too, 'cause you love it.”

And after those words, all was well again. Remus let himself ascend into the music by closing his eyes, and sucking in every single word and chime. He knew Magnolia wasn’t all that interested in Remus’ favourite bands, but she was watching him. He was very aware, but didn’t bother commenting on it. After all, Magnolia had a reasonable answer for literally everything Remus could think of, so it would also be pointless.

The night continued on, and the two teenagers smoked a few more cigarettes, accidentally almost hotboxing the attic (really, it had been solely Remus’ fault, because he had thoughtlessly closed the window to hide himself from the freezing breeze, but he was too proud to admit it). After The Who’s album, Magnolia wanted to play some Billy Joel. Remus listened to it, even though he had heard every song countless times before, and was slightly bored of them. But with Magnolia, Remus could do anything—even the things he was most afraid of, and those he despised the most.

Magnolia truly was the girl of his life.

Chapter Text

August, 1975

Bristol was shit. It was utter, complete, extravagant shit, and Sirius hated all of it from the bottom of his heart. He couldn’t care less that hate was a strong word. Hell, love was a strong word too, and some people threw it around just for the fun of it. All the fuss about hate being a strong word wasn’t very necessary by those standards, so Sirius did whatever he pleased with the word.

He knew it was pointless to be angry—it never brought him anything good, only suffering and more problems—but what else was he supposed to do, when he had already run out of other emotions? There hardly ever was something other than anger to begin with; rage was Sirius’ fuel, and he didn’t function like the person he had grown into without it.

Sirius was quite conscious of how fucked up he was, albeit it was scarcely his fault. In fact, it wasn’t his fault at all, because he couldn’t have possibly anticipated which family he was going to be born into and prevent it somehow. The madness in Sirius was all from his mother, in one form or another. She was a crazy woman herself, and family usually passed down personality traits too, not only appearance. Walburga Black’s absurdity wasn’t a short, simple journey—she had raised her boys like a Russian ballet mistress taught her dancers, ripping the souls out of their bodies, slowly making the young dancers lose their appetite for life. One mistake, and no food for the rest of the day. One mistake, and a new scar on an arm or a leg to clean up later. One mistake, and a little less humanity left in their body.

The Christmas after Sirius had turned nine, while all of the extended family and distant relatives of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black were visiting in Bristol, Walburga Black had made her sons talk only in French or Romanian, absolutely no English allowed. Sirius had known French well enough to understand it, but he could hardly ask for a bandage to cover up a wound on his knee he got by falling down the stairs. His mother, being the cruel woman she was, had refused to give him one, because he couldn’t remember the word ‘bandage’ in neither French or Romanian. Sirius sat through the Christmas dinner, mute and angry, knee bleeding all over the carpet under the table, refusing to talk to anyone. After everyone had left, Walburga had not only screamed at him like a maniac, she had hit him for not apologising in French. Then she had hit him again, so deep it had cut further than just skin.

Sirius simply wanted it to end. Couldn’t he already be 18-years-old, a legal adult with his own legal will? Could the bloody summer at least be over already?

At the miserable moment, Sirius was sitting on his bedroom floor, running his bony fingers through his long, black hair, which didn’t feel like his own anymore. Nothing felt real at the moment. He sometimes pretended to live in a dream; that way it was easier to be home, surrounded by people whom he hated and despised. Sirius often wished that he was an easy person during the holidays. In school he liked being difficult, it was so much more fun, and definitely a part of him by now. Sirius Black wasn’t meant to be effortless, he was meant to be a head-turning spectacle, watched and admired by big audiences. His family would never even try to understand him, but his friends got it all. They understood why he was the way he was—obviously not always, but most of the time he was acknowledged by someone.

Oh, how Sirius missed his friends. It didn’t help that he had absolutely no way of contacting them during the summer, Christmas or Easter holidays because his parents didn’t give him literally any phone access (there had been an incident between Sirius, James and the telephone during Christmas 1973) or liberty to send letters. The only way Sirius was able to have a connection with his friends was imagination. He liked to imagine what all of them were doing with their lives while he was slowly rotting in his own bedroom, staring at the ceiling and picturing things in his sickeningly bored head.

James Potter, Sirius’ best friend ever since they had first met, was lively and athletic. Therefore Sirius imagined him playing football with his dad on the freshly mowed lawn of their summer cottage. At school James was going to be the captain of the soccer team, even though they were only going to year 11, and he was freakishly into other sports too. When there was a chance at school to watch the telly, James would immediately turn on a sports channel, and talk about whatever sport was on like a professional. It didn't matter whether it was football, tennis or water polo. James also had a wonderful family that Sirius was envious of every day. Euphemia—or Effie, as she ordered everyone familiar to call her—Potter was the kindest mother of all. She could cook really delicious Indian food, which was definitely too spicy for Sirius' taste, and she made sure there wasn’t a day that James was sad. After all he was her only son, and Euphemia Potter had a lot of love to give. However, James’ dad, Fleamont, definitely got his part of Effie’s love too. He was one of England’s most successful businessmen, but also James’ everloving, all-teaching, overbearing dad, who had no other intentions than to support his son in everything. Sirius wished he had more opportunities to spend time at the Potters’, but he had only visited once, and it hadn't exactly been in his mother’s wishes for him to have been in their house in the first place.

James’ family’s cottage was in Cornwall, but oh, how Sirius wished he could be in London right now. That said, Sirius visualised Peter Pettigrew, another one of his friends, with his family, spending time at their house in London. Peter’s dad was a well-known lawyer, his mom was a journalist, and they had a nice-looking big, white house in Mayfair that was probably the poshest place ever to live in, but Sirius could picture it however he wanted. It was his mind after all. The Pettigrew family had a big backyard, where Mrs. Pettigrew grew her colourful flowers and Peter’s older sister, Lorelei, hung out with her numerous friends. Peter either had his strangely attractive girlfriend named Camila over, and they were doing sappy couple stuff, or he was forced into a conversation about the future with his father. The first scenario was less challenging to imagine, so Sirius did that. Peter and Camila were laying on the lawn, eating some fresh strawberries and just talking to each other.

Oh God, Sirius was tired of picturing Peter, he wasn’t really all that interesting. He knew someone far more compelling, but also so mysterious and secretive, he didn’t even know where to start.

Well, maybe London. Remus Lupin lived in London, or so Sirius had last been informed. Remus never talked about it, home or holidays, so Sirius couldn’t be too sure. Alright, enough with the doubting; Remus Lupin was definitely a Londoner to his soul. He most likely wasn’t at home with his parents, because his father was dead, and his mother was not living with him currently. Sirius knew those things only, because last year he had snooped at the letters Remus had addressed to ‘Art’ and ‘Magnolia’. He had no clue who they were, but clearly they were important enough to Remus for him to write a letter and actually send it. Maybe they were his friends too. Actually, yes, they were undeniably Remus’ friends, whom he walked around London with, doing the stupid shit he rarely talked about, but Sirius knew was happening. Art and Magnolia had no faces in Sirius’ thoughts, but they were fun and daring. They encouraged Remus, who was truly living outside of school, to do something else than sticking his nose into one of his fiction books every other minute.

Sirius missed Remus. He missed Peter, and he missed James. He missed them all, even though he would never admit it to their faces.

Sirius was stuck in a home that had never felt like his own. The walls were surrounding him, screaming terrible things in his mother’s voice, and soon they would fall over, destroying every living piece of Sirius. His whole family—the entire sacred house of Black—was fucked up, intermingled with anything in the world you could think of, but because they were rich and powerful, nobody cared. Sirius still remembered how his dad had argued with some famous politicians in his office, telling them to sod off or he would hire a contract killer to make sure none of them saw the light of day from that day on. Sirius had been seven, and he hadn’t been able to look at his father the same ever since. Orion Black may have seemed harmless to an outsider, but truly he was just as barbaric as the rest of the Black family.

There were only three family members Sirius could truly love: Uncle Alphard, Andy, formally known as Andromeda, and his brother. Uncle Alphard had left his inheritance to Sirius and Andy, but Sirius wouldn’t get his hands on the money before he would become of age. Andy was his cousin, and the only one he still kept in contact with. They sent letters to each other while Sirius was at school, sometimes they talked on the phone, but it was only on rare occasions. Andy was just as much of a black sheep of the family as was Sirius; she had moved out right after school with her fiancé, Ted, who wasn’t nearly as wealthy as the Black family. Aunt Druella and Uncle Cygnus had disapproved of Andy so deeply, they had disowned her. Sirius didn’t expect anything less from his own parents as he would eventually pull some life-altering stunt on them.

But it was all, unfortunately, so complicated that Sirius didn’t have the courage to throw his life as a rich oil pan’s heir away yet. It would have to wait at least a year, if not more, because there was also a section called ‘Regulus’ to consider.

Regulus was Sirius’ little brother, who actually wasn’t so little anymore. He had grown so much over the years, and Sirius was hateful of him for that. Regulus wasn’t supposed to be 14-years-old, he wasn’t supposed to deal with all the same shit as Sirius, although it seemed like Regulus was by far better than Sirius at the whole family bullshit. He didn’t have the need to rebel against their parents, embarrassing them over important dinners, stealing money from the safe and spending it on weed, only to smoke it in Orion Black’s office right before a valuable meeting. Regulus was decent. He played the bloody violin perfectly, just like their mother had intended and just like Jimi Hendrix had played guitar—so fluently it actually made your jaw drop onto the ground.

Sirius snapped out of his thoughts immediately when he heard a knock on his door. Speaking of the devil, he thought. Only Regulus would knock before entering a room in this household.

“What the fuck do you want?” Sirius yelled, sounding meaner than he had meant to. Internally he was banging his head against a hard concrete wall, but physically he was sitting on his bedroom floor, staring at the door with a war storm flashing behind his eyes.

For a moment there was plain silence, but then a steady voice replied from the other side of the door: “Can I come in?”

Sirius sighed, not knowing which emotion he needed to express today. “Yeah, come in.”

He watched as the knob turned over slowly, then the door creaked open, and his brother, dressed in all black, stepped into the room. Regulus closed the door with a hesitant look on his face—he didn’t look like himself. In fact, Regulus looked exhausted with the dark under eyes he had developed and the deepening cheekbones that added tiredness into his appearance. His hair was the same as always; black, curly and neat, but his eyes and body were trying to tell Sirius something else. Regulus was not alright, but he probably wasn’t going to tell Sirius anything about it, because like always, Sirius was an outsider in his own brother’s life.

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, straightening his posture and focusing his full attention on Regulus, who was still standing near the door. “You never come into my smelly and unsuitable room willingly, so fess up, Reggie. Did mum finally come into her senses and teach you a lesson too? Oh, no, did you finally break into dad’s safe? Remember when I gave you the code a few years back, and I–”

“Jesus, would you shut up!” Regulus cut in, sounding rather frustrated by Sirius, who was just glad his attempt at making Regulus speak at all had worked. “You can never just be quiet.”

And at that Sirius shut up. He decided to be quiet for once, as Regulus would’ve in all likelihood worded it. Nevertheless, the tranquility between the two brothers was getting unbearable by the second, and Sirius wanted to rip all the words out of Regulus’ throat, because he didn’t seem too eager to spit them out himself. He looked like he was debating whether to actually tell Sirius something, because:

1. Sirius was a huge blabber, and soon the whole world would know all about little Reggie Black’s struggles.

2. Sirius was untrustworthy, and he would fake every word and action after Regulus said what he wanted to.

3. Regulus didn’t even know why he came into his brother’s room in the first place.

As the staring contest between Sirius and Regulus tightened, the younger brother finally seemed to relax enough to let his shoulders rest, and even took a few steps towards Sirius, still having an unsure look in his eyes. “I’m worried.”

Two words, and Sirius was even more confused. “About what?”

Regulus sighed dramatically. “Look, this is stupid. I don’t even know why I came in here, because you’re such an arse, and never listen, and it’s not–”

“Regulus,” Sirius interrupted, using his brother’s full name for once. “I promise I’ll listen. Just– Just, please, talk to me.”

An unexplainable glance was exchanged, and Regulus walked up to Sirius, reluctantly sitting next to him onto the floor. He was eyeing Sirius’ room suspiciously, most likely trying to find a good reason to leave and never enter that space again. They were rarely in the same room without causing each other misery or pain, so Regulus sitting besides Sirius in his room was something brand new.

“She hates me,” Regulus said finally, staring at the dark wooden floor instead of looking at Sirius. “She hates me, because I’m not you.”

Confusion filled Sirius’ mind for some time, until he realised what Regulus meant. The ounce of hope he had had for their upcoming conversation was gone in an instant as the words left Regulus’ lips. “You come into my fucking room and talk to me willingly for the first time this whole summer just to tell me that I shouldn’t be myself?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Sirius scoffed at Regulus’ words, eyeing his deadpan brother, who raised his cold gaze at him.

“Sure you didn’t. You’re so bloody perfect you never do anything wrong,” Sirius sneered, feeling his heart speeding up. He hated how much Regulus affected his mood, because Sirius clearly wasn’t enough to get Regulus to change his faceless expression.

“Sirius–”

“Alright, no, I’m not listening,” Sirius stated, staring deep into Regulus’ eyes. “Leave, Reg, just leave.”

The brothers shared a long look, and it seemed that Regulus didn’t want to break eye contact until he stood up, shaking his head disappointedly. God, he had grown so much. Sirius didn’t know what to think—his little brother was nearly as tall as him, and they started to resemble one another more and more everyday. It was the Black family curse; you would truly never break free even if you made it your life’s purpose, because you would always be recognised from the prominent features of the house of Black.

“I don’t know what the hell I was expecting from you,” Regulus muttered under his breath as he turned on his heels and stormed out of Sirius’ room, leaving a stale atmosphere lingering after him.

Sirius listened as his brother’s footsteps echoed further until they disappeared completely into the other end of the fourth floor, where Regulus’ room was. He pressed his head into his hands that felt numb and fragile under the weight of his skull. Sirius felt weak, but he was too afraid to admit it. Too afraid, too proud, too arrogant, too worried, too hesitant. Sirius altogether was too much—he had gotten that comment dozens of times before, and there was no changing it now.

There would be no cure to Sirius’ fragility or extravagance; they would only break him entirely, leaving him contemplating the big questions and choices of life. Sirius loathed the big questions and choices, he just wanted to get it over with. Life was not so serious, people made mistakes, and shit happened—none of it ever really mattered after ten years.

Besides, everything was way more fun when rules weren’t involved. Rules meant instructions, instructions meant planned ahead, planned ahead meant boring, and boring meant no excitement. And Sirius Black loved excitement more than anything, because it was the bane of him, the lifeline of his whole existence. Sirius Black had been made to cause surprises, chaos and entertainment—he couldn’t imagine being anyone else than the loudest person in the room, catching everyone’s attention immediately by just opening the door and stepping in. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he loved the attention, but he was afraid to admit he was something more than just the careless, rule-breaking boy from one of Britain’s wealthiest families.

Sirius was afraid to admit that he was human. Actually, no, he wasn't just afraid, he was terrified.

There was nothing scarier in Sirius’ opinion than feelings and emotions. Things like that always ended up tormenting someone’s life completely, ripping it into thousands of pieces that could never be put back together. What good were love, worry and fear for, when they solely did harm and caused pain? Anger and excitement Sirius understood, because they were his primary emotions that he had learned to recognise piece by piece as the years passed by. Anger was necessary for Sirius’ survival. Otherwise he would never get out of this haunted mansion filled with complete cow shit.

One thing the two Black brothers had in common was the understanding of anger. Regulus had realised, even as a kid, why Sirius was furious all the time and why he was trying to find a way to escape home and leave their parents behind. When that hadn’t worked, Regulus had tried to get Sirius to calm down, which hadn’t been very effective either, but he was aware of the source of Sirius’ never-ending anger. Unlike Sirius, Regulus was good at controlling his feelings. Sometimes he hid them so deep, Sirius was sure he would simply forget about them, and they would never rise to the surface again. Regulus felt deprived of sensation at times, like he wasn’t actually alive and someone inside his skin was just pulling the strings, making Regulus’ body move and his voice appear. Sirius could acknowledge why both of them had turned out so messed up, but he could most definitely never understand how Regulus was able to keep living like a bloody statue.

Sirius sighed and let his legs fall on the ground lazily. The sun had almost set, and the house was quiet, but he still didn’t feel peaceful. Sirius had a war going on inside of his mind, and there was nobody to yell at, nobody to laugh with, nobody to mess with. Sirius needed somebody, but instead he was all alone—all alone in the huge, old-fashioned mansion, full of bad memories, horrifying relatives and jinxed rooms. He missed school more than ever before.

***

“Sirius? Are you in there?”

Hands grasping onto the toilet sink, Sirius was losing his grip, breath sounding heavy and his heart beating rapidly inside of his chest. He tried to focus his gaze, eyes jumping from one thing straight to another. He couldn’t see the floor clearly. Sirius was on the verge of crying, but he refused to let the tears drain out of his swollen tear ducts. No crying today, Sirius had told himself in the morning, but the pact was about to be destroyed because of some stupid conversation about bloody cello lessons.

“Sirius, answer me at this instant, or I will tell your mother that you’re trying to escape through the bloody toilet window!” the familiar voice hissed from behind the door.

Oh, how Sirius wished he was anywhere else than in that exact toilet—there were at least ten other toilets he could’ve possibly hidden into. Maybe it was for the best that someone was there though, talking and moving, so Sirius could focus onto something else than his own breathing, trying to snap the fuck out of it.

“God damnit, you’re so rotten and despicable!”

Sirius knew there was no going away for the person on the other side, only waiting for Sirius to open the door, so he slowly braced himself again. He steadied his clutch of the sink, raising his head to take a look at the reflection of himself from the framed mirror. Sirius looked pale, tired and malnourished; he hadn’t eaten properly in weeks, because he was protesting. It was awfully stupid, he knew, but there were no other ways to rebel against his mother anymore since she had taken half of Sirius’ belongings and burnt them in the fireplace a few weeks ago. The only thing Sirius had left was himself, so he would starve the shit out of his body until he was sick enough to need a doctor. Only the problem was that now Sirius could barely think anymore, because he was void of all food and nutrition. He hadn’t been able to stand for more than ten minutes earlier.

“Open the door, please,” the voice turned to plead quietly.

Sirius threw one last look into the mirror, and made sure he was still capable of standing on his limp legs that could probably give out at any moment. Then he stared at the door for a time, before he reached for the doorknob, twisting it with his bony fingers. In front of the toilet door stood Cissy, a hard look on her sharply defined face, platinum blonde hair pulled back and a black dress with dark green details covering her figure. Cissy was just about the same height as Sirius, though she might have seemed taller at the moment, because Sirius was so exhausted he could hardly stand.

“What is wrong with you?” Cissy scoffed, staring Sirius from head to toe with a judgmental expression. “I’ve been standing here like a servant and you’ve been locked in there for God knows how long!”

Sirius didn’t feel an ounce of guilt, he just stared back at his cousin with an expression that showed her the hatred was mutual. “If you came here just to poor-mouth me to my face, eat shit, Cissy.”

She scoffed, rolling her eyes so exaggeratedly Sirius thought they might just pop out. “And why would I do that? I only have one purpose to you, and it’s purely out of my own best interest. She wanted me to give you another letter—it’s the only reason I’m talking to you, believe me.”

As the words rolled off of Narcissa’s tongue, she pulled out an envelope with a red stamp mark. She handed it to Sirius, eyes following him closely as he raised his hand, snatching the long awaited letter from Cissy’s fingers. She clearly wasn’t interested in catching up with Sirius any more, so he took the hint and backed into the toilet again.

“I’m not thanking you,” Sirius stated before closing the door, giving Narcissa one last look. She was obviously not pleased with Sirius’ approach, judging by her sour expression, but she was bearable enough for not starting to scream insults at him. After all, Cissy was way nicer than her older sister, Bellatrix. Bella was a true nightmare—she was like Walburga Black in a younger, crazier and more restless form. Given her insaneness, Sirius had made a deal with Cissy years ago that she would deliver him letters from Andy because his parents would have them destroyed within seconds from entering the house if they saw them.

Andy was Sirius’ only relative he was truly close to. She was also the only fully sane one, and had escaped the ruins of her family, which was admirable in Sirius’ opinion. He dreamed of doing the same, leaving this place and never turning back, but leaving permanently was not in sight yet.

Sirius felt dizzy again, standing in the toilet, staring at the white envelope, so he decided to sit down onto the toilet seat. He traced the paper in his hands, ripping off the stamp with his nails and opening the seal. He dug the piece of paper out, which had ‘Sirius’ written on top of it, and opened it carefully. Andy’s handwriting was beautiful, sort of wide cursive with every letter turning into the right direction. One of the lesser perks of being a Black: having bloody perfect handwriting from being forced to learn how to write at the age of four.

Dear Sirius,

I profusely apologize for not writing this earlier, but I have been very busy these last weeks. Dora has been keeping me up for most nights, so it’s amazing if I manage to get five hours of sleep per night these days. Ted has been working long hours too, and it hasn’t been financially easy for us, because Alphard’s inheritance isn’t an endless fountain after all (just please, make sure to be responsible with your money when you turn 18 so you won’t get fucked like I did).

I’ve also learned that Cissy got married?! How the hell did that happen in the span of a year? And the bloke she married, Lucius (what kind of a name is that anyway?) is what, two years older than her too, and he works in the ministry of England? I mean, Cissy was always going to marry rich even though she’s a genius herself, but a man in a position too? I just hope she’s happy and not miserable like most of the marriages that’ve happened in this family. I also hope Lucius, whoever he is, is better for her than that berk Rodolphus is for Bella. I mean, Bella’s not too nice either so I guess he can’t be all that bad compared to her. I’m just insanely lucky to have someone like Ted. I hope you find your Ted someday.

I think I just wanted to say that you are constantly on my mind, Sirius, and I truly hope you will find your way out soon. Cissy told me some things in the two minutes of talking we had, and I want you to know that if there’s anything we can do, you just have to find a way to contact us. This is bad advice considering the person I’m giving it to, but please, don’t irritate Walburga any more and keep everything calm. I know you can do it if you try hard enough, because after all, you are one of the strongest people I know. Keep telling yourself there’s only better days ahead, and it’ll get easier. I promise you life isn’t as hard and pointless as it feels now, it can be so much more, and knowing you, you’ll reach its full potential. Please, take care of yourself, Sirius, and write back to me as soon as you can.

Love,
Andy (and Dora and Ted)

Sirius read the letter at least three times before he was able to take his eyes off of it. A small part of him felt hopeful again, like the minutes were speeding up again, the days flipping quicker, nearing the end of August. There was something so calming about Andy—she always found a way to comfort Sirius, even when he was on the verge of breaking down. Moreover, Andy was the most empathetic person Sirius knew, and she was hardly ever mad. She couldn’t even be angry at her sister or her parents because some part of her had always understood why everyone in the Black family was the way they were.

Sirius certainly didn’t understand, and he didn’t want to either. He couldn’t have given less of a shit about generational trauma and all that stuff Andy had talked to him about. His parents were bad people, their parents had been bad people and so on. Sirius just wanted to finally be free of it all. He didn’t really care if somebody’s feelings got hurt in the process (except for the ones he cared for) because it had been Sirius’ biggest wish for ages: to build his own life, and live it as controversially as he liked. He would go to hell’s lengths for that, and there would be no stopping him.

The world knew that when Sirius Black set his mind to something, he would eventually get it. After all, he was named after the brightest star in the sky for a reason.

Chapter Text

Sunday, August 31st, 1975

“James, dear, are you certain you have all of your stuff with you? I’m sure you left some of the new socks in the laundry room, because they were only washed last night! What will you do, if you only have those socks with big holes on them from last year!? Oh, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it would be to wear shoes with those so–”

“Darling, maybe you should stop worrying so much. After all, our son’s coming back for Christmas, aren’t you, James?”

James shifted his gaze between both of his parents, throwing a huge smile onto his face. “Of course I’m coming back for Christmas break!”

Euphemia—insistent on being called Effie—Potter, James’ overly worried mum, had always been like this, when it was time for James to return to Hogwarts again. She probably wished he would stay in London, go to a private school downtown and have a circle of friends close to home, but honestly, James liked going to a boarding school. It had its downsides, for example not seeing your family for months at a time and not having the chance to do anything outside of school grounds without parental permission. On the other hand, boarding school offered very close friends, lots of activities and obviously, a better starting point for the future. That’s why Hogwarts was full of rich kids whose parents weren’t interested in raising them or whose parents simply wanted them to have a great education. James’ parents wanted him to do his best, learn everything he could and achieve anything he wished to in life. They really were that good, and he had learned to be grateful.

“Oh, I know you are,” Effie sighed, her worried frown turning slowly into a smile. “Because if you don’t come back by December, I am going to personally drag your arse back home.”

After that, James’ mum stepped forward and wrapped him into a tight, warm hug. Effie wasn’t very tall so James felt quite like a giraffe as his mom clung onto him, stroking his back with her short, soft fingers. James closed his eyes, still sporting a big smile on his face. He knew this hug would have to be enough until Christmas, so he took everything he could out of it. As Effie finally let go of James, taking a few steps back, Fleamont had already pulled James into a completely new hug. James’ father was the same height as him, so hugging him caused less neck pain. Fleamont liked those short, tapping on the shoulder or back kind of hugs, and this was one of them. James had a good feeling wallowing inside of him after they hugged.

“You ready to go, son?” James’ dad asked, softly raising his eyebrow at him. Right after those words, the train whistle blew, and James could feel the emotions of the people surrounding them. Everyone was saying their goodbyes to their family and friends, tearing up or laughing, smiling widely or sobbing profusely. The King’s Cross station was filled with young kids, eager and excited to experience yet another year at the Hogwarts Boarding School.

“I’m ready,” James replied, giving his parents a somewhat reassuring nod. “I totally think this is the year I’m getting a girlfriend”—James had said that as a joke, but Effie looked like she could have started weeping on the spot—“and this is, of course, the year I’m gonna get good grades! And I’m gonna beat everyone in maths! Oh, and we’ll finally win that football championship!”

“Definitely!” Fleamont patted James’ shoulder and gave him a proud nod. Lowering his voice, so that Effie couldn’t hear what he was about to say, he said: “You’re also getting that girlfriend, trust me, son.”

James couldn’t help but grin at his father so stupidly his mother looked rather confused. “Bye mum, bye dad! Have fun, I promise I’ll send you letters every weekend and call every Wednesday!”

That’s how they had settled it in year 7, and that’s how it still was.

Effie insisted on giving James a big smooch on his cheek, leaving him all ticklish and giggly before he started walking towards the train doors. His mum and dad were waving at him, both with tears in their eyes. James waved back, but he couldn’t possibly start crying now, so he restrained himself by lifting his hell of a heavy trunk onto the train. He was pretty sure he had forgotten to take those socks, but his mother didn’t have to know for now—she would just start panicking even more about James leaving for another year. She truly didn’t like when he was away, and James didn’t either, but it wasn’t so bad once he got to school again. He couldn’t quite explain it, the feeling; it was like James belonged into that school, like he was always meant to be there.

“Oi, Prongs!”

At that, James stopped in his tracks, turning his face towards where the voice was coming from. But what was weird, was that he didn’t recognise the voice nor the girl, who had yelled for him, and was now paving her way to him through the mass of people on the crowded train platform. People got out of her way as she locked eyes with James, clearly determined on reaching him. The girl was about the same age as James with a tall, skinny figure and a black leather jacket on her shoulders. She had voluminous blonde curls falling all over her torso, a skirt definitely too short to society’s standards and black leather boots, giving her that rockstar look even James couldn’t resist.

“Who’re you?” James asked in confusion as the girl unknown to him stopped right in front of him, staring at him from head to toe. He had no idea how she had known to call him ‘Prongs’ as that was a stupid nickname given by his school friends, and this girl definitely didn’t go to Hogwarts.

“You can call me Malia,” she introduced herself shortly, leaving James in the dark again. “But you’re a friend of RJ’s, right? Saw you here in June when you got off with him from the train and stuff. He calls you Prongs, but that’s not your real name, innit?”

The train whistle blew again, and James looked nervously around him. Students were climbing into the train with their heavy trunks and bags, and James was just standing cluelessly in the doorway with a girl that claimed to be someone’s friend he apparently knew. “Who the fuck’s RJ?”

The blonde girl laughed, shaking her head like she had finally realised how dumb she sounded. “Oh yeah, I forgot no one else calls him that! I’m a friend of Remus’. He left all moody this morning, and acted like a complete prick, so I forgot to give him this. That’s all!”

After the girl—Malia—had told James what he had asked for, he was even more befuddled. Remus had a friend in London that was a beautiful blonde girl? Remus had left all moody, acting like a prick this morning? This girl, Remus’ friend, was handing James a letter to give to Remus? What the bloody hell was going on?

“Where'd you even meet him?” James questioned, raising his eyebrows helplessly.

“Oh, he had me hanged in Salem in 1692, and I promised to haunt him in every lifetime.”

“What?” James nearly yelled alarmedly, his eyes opening up to their full extent.

“That was a joke, mate,” Malia replied, awkwardly laughing and gesturing with her hands.

James probably looked like he had seen a ghost, staring at the blonde girl and squeezing the letter in his hands that she had just given him. She had a pleasant expression on her face, lips curling upwards and eyes beaming brown in the bright daylight. James didn’t have any clue about what the hell was going on, and he couldn’t even gather his thoughts to form proper sentences, but luckily Malia—Remus’ stranger friend with a very weird sense of humour—spoke up first.

“Sorry ‘bout the confusion, really, but I have to go now, okay? Just give it to him and tell him to piss off for me, would ya, or I’ll come and find him myself,” the girl smirked, winking at James before turning around and slowly disappearing into the crowd of people. Before entirely vanishing, she turned around, giving him a big wave and a thumbs-up, though James didn’t know what that meant.

All alone and stranded, James stood there for a while, a letter in his hand and a confused look on his face. He watched as the blonde girl dressed in leather slalomed through the sea of people, eventually leaving his sight. It wasn’t until the third whistle blew that James realised the train would actually leave without him if he didn’t get in during the next 60 seconds. He pushed his heavy trunk further into the carriage, climbing up behind it himself. Inside the train prevailed chaos: younger students either standing in the middle of everything or running around, pushing other people out of the way, older students eager to get to the best seats, and some poor, lone passengers, who weren’t heading to Hogwarts, trying to get as comfortable as they could in a train filled with boarding school students that hadn’t seen each other all summer.

Trying to separate himself from the younger students, James pushed his trunk towards the end of the train, moving at least two carriages down. He saw many familiar faces, greeted some and waved at others. James was heading to the last carriage where he usually sat with all of his friends, but as the train started slowly moving on the tracks, it became harder for James to reach his destination. Numerous times, he nearly tripped over someone’s bag or legs and nearly went into the wrong train compartment, seeing his friends’ faces on everyone.

As James finally found the familiarity of his friends, he threw the compartment door open as dramatically as he could, announcing his presence loudly. “Oh, how I’ve missed you!”

James closed the compartment door behind him, lifting his trunk onto the shelf and then lazily collapsing onto the bench across from Peter, who looked at him with one eyebrow raised. Peter’s mousy, sun-bleached hair had been cut shorter since James had last seen him in July, and his skin was more tanned than usual. Peter had possibly grown an inch or a few over the summer, but he was still quite short and chubby with freckles covering his cheeks and nose. At least his style was somewhat improving; Peter had fresh-looking jeans and a white print t-shirt on. “We’ve missed you too,” he said, a smile arising onto his lips.

“Yeah, totally. Haven’t seen Padfoot yet, have ya?” Remus asked in turn, raising his glance from the pages of the book he was currently reading. Remus was sitting with his back pressed against the window, legs lifted on the train seat, taking an abnormally large amount of room. He was tall and, many would say, handsome. Remus had light brown hair, freckles and moles covering most of his body and a crooked nose. He was also tall and lanky, which apparently was something girls seemed to like. He was wearing a worn out brown jumper and blue jeans paired with some leather boots.

The missing presence of Sirius Black was something very noticeable though, and James couldn’t help but wonder why he, in fact, was not in the same compartment as them. “No. You two haven’t seen him either?”

Remus and Peter both shook their heads, and suddenly James remembered the letter he was still squeezing in his hand. It had been marinating in the grip of his sweaty fingers for many minutes now, but he still managed to hand it to Remus. “By the way, here’s a letter for you, Moony. Some tall blondie ran up to me, calling me Prongs and all that, and wanted me to give it to you—wanna tell me what that’s about?”

James smirked after his words, consciously teasing Remus, and watched as the nonchalant expression Remus had had on his face before vanished in an instant. He snatched the piece of paper from James’ hand almost violently, giving him a distraught look. “No, I don’t.”

It looked like Remus was blushing, but since James had decided to be bearable with his friends this year (who was he fooling?), he just smiled to himself like a bloody idiot. Peter was watching from the sidelines, a confused expression lingering on his face. “Do you have a girlfriend, Remus?”

“What?!” Remus seemed both frustrated and embarrassed, giving his friends a defensive look. “No, why would I have a girlfriend?”

“You totally would,” James teased, leaning back and winking at Remus. “Besides, you probably have multiple girlfriends, you’re just keeping it quiet.”

Now Remus was simply annoyed, physically bristling from James’ attitude. He was just about to hide the letter into the depths of his jeans’ back pocket when the train compartment door slid open, and James, Peter and Remus all turned their eyes in the same direction. James' attention shifted from Remus immediately, because he could’ve mistaken his best friend for a dead man walking; Sirius Black had never, ever looked so exhausted in his entire life. His long, black hair was unbrushed and messy, and he was wearing a white button-up shirt with straight black trousers instead of his usual leather jacket and jeans. Sirius seemed tired overall, although that was to be expected from spending the whole summer in Bristol with his miserable piece of shit family.

Without saying a word, Sirius shut the door, didn’t bother lifting his trunk anywhere and sat next to Peter, stretching out his back. For a while, they all were silent trying to find the right words to break into a new, appropriate for the moment, conversation. Luckily for everyone, Sirius Black hated silence. “So, what’s the news? Any one of you steal a car or finally shag a pretty girl this summer?”

And just like that, James forgot every negative feeling towards Sirius’ family, and he continued the conversation by habit. “I couldn’t tell you much about that, but I bet Moony’s got some real interesting news we’d all like to–”

“Oh, piss off already, would you?” Remus interrupted, shoving James so hard he thought he saw the afterlife for a moment.

“You know, that’s exactly what your girlfriend told me to–” James continued despite Remus’ attack, and was responded to with another shove that just made him laugh uncontrollably. By now Sirius and Peter were snickering too.

“Geez, Lupin, care to share?” Sirius asked, a grin appearing onto his face. Peter looked quite intrigued too, and James was only recovering from the consequences of his own actions.

“No, I do not care to share.”

After that, the three of them stared at the clearly pissed off Remus for a moment, still waiting for him to speak, but when that didn’t happen for quite a while, Sirius opened his mouth again: “So, Wormtail, as you’re apparently the only one with an actual girlfriend, I’d like to know what you and Camila–”

Peter groaned loudly, looking very disturbed. “You pervert, I can’t believe you’re that horny!”

And just like that, everything was back to normal, and the dorm 11A boys were together again, spending the whole train ride in playful arguments and loud laughter.

***

Oh, how badly James was still in love with Lily Evans. She was sitting across the dining table, spreading some jam onto a slice of bread in her hand. Lily’s beautiful auburn hair had grown over the summer and lightened up a bit here and there, and the amount of freckles on her skin had doubled. She had the most captivating smile, and the prettiest green eyes James had ever seen—he would like to stare into them for the rest of his life. And those small moles on Lily’s neck were shaped like–

“Oi, mate, eye food isn’t gonna fill up your stomach, innit!”

As Sirius kicked James onto his leg under the table, he was very much awoken. “Bugger off, Black!”

Sirius just smirked, shoving a spoonful of porridge into his mouth. Sirius hated porridge, and he had grown rather skinny, but James hadn’t dared to comment on it. Not yet, at least. Sirius was also speaking like a Londoner yob, and James wanted to push his head into the big bowl of porridge for that.

“For once, he’s probably right,” Remus commented and shrugged. “I don’t want to wake up at six thirty to go to breakfast just because you were drooling over Lily instead of eating your supper.”

“See, Prongs, I’m right!” Sirius boasted.

James groaned loudly, rolling his eyes. “I was not drooling over Lily!”

At that, the three girls sitting right next to James, Sirius and Remus turned their heads to look at him suspiciously. They usually didn’t even sit at the same table, but for some magical reason, Remus attracted the female population so severely today that they had wanted to sit there. Maybe James was exaggerating; they all had been friends since year 7, because Hogwarts was a small school, and since they all were in the same year, it was quite difficult to avoid each other. Besides, the girls weren’t that bad—Lily was most definitely wonderful.

“Haven’t you changed at all, Potter?” Mary MacDonald sighed deeply, leaning towards James on the table. She was the kind of pretty girl every lad wanted to date. Mary had warm brown skin, big curly hair, a certainly nice figure and dazzling brown eyes. “Lily’s still not interested, but I definitely could be,” Mary said then, clearly flirting with James. He didn’t flatter himself though, Mary liked to flirt with every living person who crossed paths with her.

“Could you stop?” Lily complained, looking quite annoyed and switching her eyes between James and Mary. For a moment James even felt hopeful—Lily was annoyed by Mary flirting with him—but then he realised she probably still hated him so much that she just didn’t want her friend to get involved with him.

“Could we maybe just eat?” asked Marlene, who was sitting the furthest from James. Marlene McKinnon was Mary’s and Lily’s dormmate, and she was by far the least intrigued in the conversation. She had long blonde hair and she was taller than girls often were. James found Marlene alright—he sometimes offered to play football with her after practice. James knew Marlene wanted her own team though, one that would consist only of girls, but they wouldn’t be able to compete anyway, so no teacher really ever approved of the idea.

“Yeah, totally, and then we could watch how Pete’s eating her girlfriend’s face off,” Sirius replied, grinning from ear to ear. James turned to face the long table behind him, where Peter and Camila were sitting. No, they weren’t sitting, they were snogging, although that was to be expected. For all James knew from Peter’s phone calls, Camila had been in Greece for the whole of August, so they hadn’t seen each other for a month.

“You’re such an arse, Black,” Lily scoffed, gathering her dishes onto her tray and standing up from the table. “I’m gonna go to sleep early, so if you two decide to stay up tonight, please don’t wake me up!”

That said, Lily left the table and walked over to return her dirty dishes to the kitchen. Mary started giggling to Marlene about something consisting of the words ‘wake up’ and ‘let’s go’, but James was too distracted to listen to them concentratedly. He just watched as Lily went to the other end of the hall, and admired how beautiful she looked tonight. Just as Lily was about to leave the great hall, a lanky, greasy haired boy, whom James immediately recognised, caught up with her. Severus Snape had only become more nasty-looking over the summer, and James couldn’t tolerate looking at him for any longer than he had to. Snape was not kind nor decent, he was a bloody idiot. It was bad enough that he thought he was good enough to spend time with Lily, but Lily was too nice to ever be mean to him. They were childhood best friends and all that shit.

“Why’re you so interested in Peter’s snogging anyway?”

“Because it’s hilarious!”

“Wormy snogging is hilarious? Blimey, I wonder if you lost a bunch of brain cells during the summer.”

“Well, aren’t you just understanding?”

Sirius and Remus were quarreling—that’s what they did when they were either bored or tired. Now they were possibly both, so the arguments only got worse and more ridiculous.

“I actually am. Maybe you’ve just got some disease that makes you perverted.”

Sirius gasped. “Oh, Moony, how you wound me!”

Students in their vicinity turned their heads into the direction of Sirius’ voice, which clearly embarrassed Remus, but only encouraged Sirius, who was holding his chest dramatically. “My heart has broken into pieces of thousands that shall never be repaired again! Oh, Remus Lupin, must you have destroyed me? I am vulnerable and split to half now!”

James snorted at his best friend’s attempt to make some big theatrical speech, which simply sounded moronic. Remus had an irritated look on his face, and he was eyeing the students watching angrily. Remus hated being the centre of attention, but that was the one singular thing that got Sirius going; he loved when people were following him, catching a glimpse of his every move and word.

“You know that you sound like an imbecile, right?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No, I sound fantastic,” Sirius denied. “And it was you who started this, anyway.”

“Whatever helps your spiteful arse sleep at night,” murmured Remus.

James rolled his eyes, finally picking up the spoon he had intended to eat his cereal with. “Can you two not argue for a moment? Mm, we’ve been back here for, mmh, like an hour, and it’s already a war. Er, okay, mm, maybe not a war, but a battle—whatever. Mhmm, I’m also thinking about when I should form the first, mm, practice. I bet McGonagall's got something sorted.” Between his words, James started eating, so they blurred within each other, and Sirius looked absolutely clueless.

“What’re you talking about, mate? Can’t hear through that smacking of yours.”

James sighed, putting his spoon down. “I’m bloody eating like you told me to!”

“Well, I didn’t tell you to speak with food in your mouth, did I?”

Remus slammed his book (that he magically always hid somewhere on him) down on the table, a pained expression on his face, sounding annoyed. “For fuck’s sake, could the both of you be normal for a damn minute?”

James and Sirius shared a look of mutual understanding—it was better to give up a foolish wrangle than face furious Remus, because there truly was nothing scarier than Remus Lupin when he got actually angry. Although James still thought there was nothing he had done wrong here, he didn’t express anything of it; Sirius was the one messing around, not even trying to listen to what he was about to say.

“Sorry, Moony,” James apologised, eyeing Remus nervously. “I just wanna think out loud, but Padfoot’s making it real hard.”

Sirius sneered at James playfully. “You know, Prongs, no talking with food in your mouth.”

At that James laughed, because Sirius sounded exactly like Euphemia Potter. “You sound like my mum.”

“Oh I love your mum!”

Remus rolled his eyes for the millionth time, leaving James and Sirius to their nonsense of a chat. It was getting late, and James couldn’t have cared less how stupid he probably sounded, shouting with Sirius in the great hall, where half of the students were trying to eat supper peacefully. They hadn’t seen each other for two months, and that was bloody tragic. James felt like he was a glass half empty without Sirius, and the feeling was mutual most likely—never, ever had James seen Sirius as happy as he was with him and Remus and Peter.

As the three boys finally finished their plates, they returned their dishes to the kitchen with Mary and Marlene, who were also heading to their dorm. The girls were in House Celestina, which meant their dorm was also on the fourth floor of the school building. Hogwarts Boarding School was a big castle-like property with a few towers, lots of staircases and a big yard, built hundreds of years ago. James still got lost, albeit he had basically lived in the building for four years now. Hogwarts’ decor was also quite old-fashioned apart from the classrooms, which contained all the modern studying equipment and instruments. James liked the school—he found it very interesting with all of its upsides, like the huge library (he rarely really used it) and the astronomy tower, where you could see the most fascinating galactical objects.

Mary and Marlene left their company as the group reached House Celestina that was placed in the western student’s wing. Some girls were giggling outside the house door, but to James’ letdown none of them were Lily. He was itching to talk to her—not just to ask Lily out for the thousandth time, he just liked hearing her voice. James loved the way Lily always knew the answer to everything, and how she smiled while listening to others speak, and how she nodded in deep understandment even if she didn’t truly understand. Lily was kind and gentle, just not to James. But that was fine too—James didn’t mind as long as she didn’t completely freeze him out.

James’, Sirius’, Remus’ and Peter’s—who was probably still snogging Camila in the great hall—dorm was in House Nicolas, which was next to House Celestina. The houses were gendered and there were altogether six of them. Either three or four students were living in the same dorm room and one age class had about 40 students. It was nice in James’ opinion, because the teachers (most of them anyway) got to know the students better, and some classes had a mix of students from different years, which made it easier to make new friends. James liked to think he had a lot of friends. He had his football team, his dormmates, the House Celestina girls and some other classmates.

“Oi, Potter, why does our dorm look bald?” Sirius yelled. The three boys had climbed their way through the House Nicolas common room to their dorm, numbered 11A, and James had to admit that it did indeed look very bald. Okay, maybe not bald. Empty. The only thing, apart from the beds and closets, in the dorm were the four trunks belonging to each of the boys. They were always brought there by the school staff during supper.

“A room can’t look bald,” Remus corrected, sitting down onto his usual bed, the one closest to the window.

“It’s a metaphor,” Sirius scoffed, gesturing with his hands, then turning to face James like he had realised something life-changing. “Prongs, my music!”

For a bare second James watched his best friend’s enthusiasm with a muddled look until he registered what Sirius was on about. James kept most of Sirius’ personal items during the summer since he couldn’t leave them here and definitely couldn’t take them to Bristol to his parents’ house. They would in all likelihood burn Sirius’ guitar, destroy his record player and smash his entire record collection.

“Right!” James hurried to his trunk and started digging stuff out of it. It was clear by now how many things could fit into one lousy trunk when Euphemia Potter was the one packing it. Sirius’ guitar was definitely the easiest find, as it wasn’t even inside the trunk.

“Bollocks, I’ve never been this happy!” Sirius cried out, taking the guitar case and opening it immediately. Inside of it was a black electric guitar, decorated with silver and gold paintings, that Sirius took onto his lap in an instant. Andromeda, Sirius’ only nice relative, had gifted it to him for his thirteenth birthday, and Sirius was still as excited about the instrument as he had been almost three years ago. Sirius Black wasn't himself without his music, and that was a proven fact.

“Gonna just stare at it or play something too?” James asked jokingly, secretly admiring Sirius and his passion for music.

“Sod off, Prongs, I’ve got to practice first!”

And so he did—Sirius went through each string first, tuning them by his own magical music ear, and continued to play a few chords, slowly blending them into a song that probably didn’t exist yet since James didn’t recognise it, and he had been properly music-trained by Sirius and Remus. Remus wasn’t a very open person, but James knew he was interested in music too. He usually listened to music with Sirius, album after album until they both could remember the lyrics to every song from the top of their heads. That was something the two of them shared, but James wasn’t jealous. He just admired it. He liked his current position, listening to Sirius and Remus talking about some new song, asking James’ opinion on it, and then arguing if this one's ending was better than some others. It wasn’t like James didn’t listen to music at all, because he did, but he wasn’t connected to it like Sirius was.

As Sirius continued playing, James went back to unpacking his trunk. He pulled out some school books and clothes, then his football gear and supplies before getting his hands on Sirius’ record collection. It was huge, consisting of dozens of different bands and artists. James spread out all the records on the floor for Sirius to take care of from now on. Remus was looking at them like he had seen Jesus himself rising from the dead. Lastly, James took Sirius’ red-coated record player out of his trunk, setting it onto the floor next to the records. Sirius had stopped playing with the strings of his guitar, and he was looking at all the records from his bed, a wide smile stuck on his lips.

“Thanks, Prongs,” he slipped out. “What did I do to deserve you as a friend?”

James shrugged, grinning like an idiot. “Probably was a total menace.”

After that the three boys started unpacking their other stuff, and the dorm became a messy chaos all over again. Sirius and Remus hang up their posters of Bowie, Queen, The Rolling Stones and Sweet as James did his football ones. He had a big poster of the Manchester United logo; it was a necessity for him to have around. As James’ stuff was somewhat unloaded, he went into their kitchen. Yes, they had a kitchen, which was a controversial settlement from the school, but it could be very useful at times. Apart from the memories where Peter had left the stove on, Sirius had burnt some food and James had totally failed at making himself a decent cook, the kitchen was very useful. At least there was a fridge, and in the fridge was–

“Moony! Padfoot! I can’t believe it!”

It didn’t even take a second for Sirius and Remus to run to the kitchen, hopeful looks on their faces. “They never checked it, did they?”

“No, they didn’t!” James exclaimed cheerfully, pulling a bottle of vodka and a bottle of whiskey out of the fridge. He raised them dramatically in the air and let out a loud hoot to which Sirius answered with an even louder one, and Remus just laughed. Who knew a couple of 15-years-old boys could be so overjoyed about finding two bottles of alcohol they had forgotten in the fridge before the summer?

“M’gonna take a shower,” Remus announced amusedly as James and Sirius were still overly excited about the alcohol. He disappeared from the kitchen, walking to the toilet and slamming the door shut. Remus had a habit of disappearing into the shower to ponder. He had never said it out loud, but no dude actually spent 15 minutes in the shower just to shower.

James calmed himself down, putting the bottles back into the fridge for later use. He sat down at the small kitchen table they had, and Sirius decided to sit across him with a joyous look still on his face. There was a window by the table, pointing straight to the football field that was now lit up by some big lamps surrounding the area. James enjoyed that view. The other window, by Remus’ bed, showed the Great Lake, which also belonged to Hogwarts grounds. Students usually went to swim in the lake as the weather got warmer near the end of the spring semester. It was also a great place to drink, professionally tested by explorers Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew.

As Remus turned the shower on, James shifted his gaze to Sirius, who had been staring outside too. His exhaustion was more visible now and James had hundreds of questions, but he wasn’t sure which ones he dared to say out loud. They were best friends—the kind who could talk about nearly everything but Sirius’ family crossed the limits very often. James understood why Sirius was never keen on sharing his horrible memories from the holidays, but he would have to speak up about it otherwise it would slowly eat him alive.

“Sirius?” James asked, getting Sirius to pay attention to him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, perfectly fine,” Sirius replied like it had been rehearsed for thousands of times.

“I know you’re not,” James sighed, throwing away the idea of being subtle. “What’s it this time? Just your mum’s usual bullshit or did something happen?”

“Well, she’s always been a cunt,” Sirius said, tilting his head and smiling a bit, although the smile dropped instantly after a few seconds. There was truly nothing to smile about when it came to Walburga Black—she was the most obnoxious woman James knew of. He had never even actually met her, but listening to her screaming through the phone had been terrifying enough and hearing stories of her was even scarier.

“She invented some new way to torture you?” James asked, not really thinking about what he was saying, but Sirius didn’t seem upset about the word choice.

“Nah, just the usual—act like the heir you are or I’ll burn your fingers and lock you in your room for days with no food.”

“That’s… great.”

No, it wasn’t. James was speaking nonsense, but he couldn’t help himself. After all, James was always saying things he really shouldn’t, asking questions that weren’t supposed to be answered and making everybody around think whether he was plain stupid or too carelessly curious for his own good.

“Yeah,” Sirius then agreed, albeit there was nothing to agree on. “Then Reg talked to me.”

At that James raised his eyebrows, confused but not surprised. “I assume Regulus talks to you anyhow, but about what?”

Sirius shook his head, laughing a little. “No, he doesn’t really talk to me, not when he doesn’t need something from me. And he came into my room and started blurting out things like how our parents hate him because he isn’t me, but that’s just a hidden way for him to say ‘hey, Sirius, you should be more like me, by the way’.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t like that,” James tried to reason, thinking about the 14-years-old Regulus Black coming into his brother’s room trying to tell him something for once in his life. James knew Regulus was basically mute, he only talked in simple sentences, but usually he just stood around and watched other people.

Sirius snorted. “I forgot how bloody kind you can be, Prongs.”

“What d'you mean?”

“I wouldn’t defend my own brother for those words, but here you are, trying to make him sound a whole lot like a better person than he is.”

James felt quite conflicted hearing those words. He wouldn’t stamp himself as a merely kind person, but Sirius apparently would. Yes, James was definitely caring towards his friends and parents, and usually anyone he knew, but he wasn’t the kind of friendly person that Lily, for example, was. She always gave tips to the new year 7’s and sweetly encouraged them in certain studies. She said nice things to everyone to make them feel better, and never accused anyone of doing anything wrong or bad. James was just decent—he was average, he was a normal guy.

“I guess,” James finally replied, dropping his eyes to his fingers which he had started fidgeting with. His mum always said not to bite his nails or crack his fingers too much, but James was bad at listening when it came to those matters—at this point he did it without noticing.

“Prongs?” Sirius asked this time, and James shifted his glance. “What were you talking about earlier on the train when you were saying that stuff about Moony having a girlfriend?”

James uttered a laugh. “Oh, that. Some blonde girl ran up to me on the platform, calling me Prongs ʼn all that, asked me to give Moony a letter. She mentioned him leaving all moody or something like that, so that was a giveaway.”

Sirius had an unreadable expression on his face, perhaps a thoughtful or a peculiar one. “Geez, think he’s got some big new secrets to reveal this year too?”

“Oh, doubtless.”

And that was that. James and Sirius were in complete understanding about Sirius’ wellbeing although they hadn’t actually talked about it straightforward. It was sort of a secret language by now. James would notice if Sirius’ behaviour changed. Hopefully, it wouldn’t, because James wished Sirius to have the most carefree, joyful school year of his life. He always wished that, because even if the last one had been spectacular, the next one had the chance to be two times better, and Sirius deserved the best of the best.

Chapter Text

Thursday, September 3rd, 1975

The dorm was completely silent and Remus was sitting alone on the edge of his bed, watching raindrops fall onto the window next to him. He had been awake for hours now, not being able to fall asleep. Remus hated how he was wired—he got a good night’s sleep maybe once a week if he was lucky. Not only were his sleeping problems bad, Remus also had nightmares and otherwise deeply disturbing dreams very often. Some mornings he would wake up, covered in his own cold sweat, breathing hard and heavy, uncomfortable images still flashing in his eyes.

As James started snoring again, this time louder than before, Remus sighed uneasily and rose from his bed, walking up to his jacket to turn over the pockets in a lookout for his cigarettes and a lighter. It was difficult to see anything in the dark of the dorm, but Remus managed to find a pack of Embassies and a silvery lighter Art had given him last Christmas. As Remus stood up, he noticed the white piece of paper amongst his clothes on the floor that he had been avoiding since coming to Hogwarts. In fact, Remus had been avoiding a large number of things because he simply didn’t feel like encountering them, but since this was most likely the easiest out of them all, Remus decided to pick up the piece of paper. For a moment he stood in the dark dorm, watching as Peter turned onto his side with a sleepy groan and James twitched in his sleep. Sirius was the only quiet sleeper in the room, and for that Remus had learned to be grateful for. Sometimes he couldn’t sleep simply because James snored like a bloody chainsaw—it might have been the main reason for this night’s sleeplessness too.

As quietly as possible, Remus left the dorm and closed the door behind him that usually creaked noisily. He walked down the hallway to the stairs that led him straight to the House Nicolas common room. The common room was also dark, the only source of light being the windows. The sofas were set in a semicircle in front of the fireplace that was currently not on and on the sides of the room were tables that most of the boys used for studying. There was also a bookshelf with the most bland books known to mankind, but Remus still used it for the fun of it. Sometimes he’d pick up a shitty book and act surprised when it turned out to be complete bullshit.

As Remus had the intention to smoke a fag or two, he sat down onto a windowsill and cracked open the nearest window, letting the fresh smell of rain fill up his nostrils. The sound of raindrops falling down onto the roof was louder now and Remus felt like he could drown his thoughts in the noise as he lit up a cigarette between his lips. He filled his lungs with smoke, breathed it out and let his thoughts stop piling up for a moment. He felt a cold shiver run up his back but he didn’t want to be too bothered by it.

Keeping the fag between his lips, Remus pulled out the piece of paper again, this time opening it slowly, spreading it out so he would be able to read the text written on it. The paper was stained—possibly by tea or coffee—and the pen ink had made a big splash on the second row, but Remus didn’t care. Somehow the imperfections made the letter more personalised, though just a letter from Magnolia itself was an extremely personal act. She was quite a sentimental person, but there were only few she would admit it to proudly and even less she would write a letter to. Luckily Remus was one of those people, and avoiding the letter had clearly been a mistake.

Dear Remus,

for starters, I have no clue in the world why I’m writing this as I could just phone you whenever I want after you get to Scotland. Although it’s more than possible you wouldn’t answer, and I guess I want my words to be permanent, not just foggy memories from a phone call. I want you to be able to read this all over again because I know you need it and I certainly know I need it.

I also know you asked me right away at dinner when I told everyone that I’m going to Camberwell why I didn’t speak up about it earlier, but there really is no reason. I felt like it wasn’t real as long as I didn’t talk about it, and don’t get me wrong, I’m very excited to go there for college, but it’s a change. A huge change, and I don’t know yet what will become of it. As you know I live for the unknown—I love not knowing what happens next—but I think I’m yearning for the past again. That rarely happens anymore, but Remus, how I already miss you and you’re only in the room next to me, banging around, trying to pack your stuff in a hurry.

I’m going to miss you but I promise to think about you every day until I see you again, which is hopefully at Christmas, because I refuse to wait longer to touch your handsome face again. It’s getting shameful how you make me feel. We’re foolish children but you make me forget and remember. You make me feel alive, and the best of all, you make me feel loved. It’s not like I haven’t felt loved before, but by you I also feel desired. Dad used to tell me desire made people grow merciless and mad, but I don’t think that’s true. Greed and gluttony drive men insane, but desire is a beautiful feeling, powered by love.

I’ve started rambling again—apologies for that! Anyhow, promise me you’ll think of me too, and don’t disappear fully from the face of the Earth like you sometimes do. Call me anytime, because I’ll be here for you.

Love,
Magnolia

Remus smiled at the letter, breathing smoke out of his lungs and holding the cigarette between his fingers for a while. It was unbelievable how quickly he felt the heavy wave of emotions shift off of his shoulders—Magnolia made him feel relieved and calm, which was something Remus hardly ever experienced. She was the fulfillment of Remus’ dreams, and he didn’t know what to do with that, so he silently promised himself he would call her later this week. Maybe he would also get a chance to talk to Art and Lizzie. He already missed all of the Carells—after all, they were his family.

Remus smiled at himself as he thought of the Carell house, and how they all would be deeply asleep by now, except Art, who would sneak in through the window of his room in an hour or two. Sometimes it felt like Art was two different people: the kind family boy and the reckless teenager messing around London. Remus often just listened to Art’s stories of the small shop thefts, booze experiments, wild car rides and near police arrests, but there were times he had been in on those things. He didn’t consider himself as one of the boys Art was hanging out with, because Remus mostly spent his time indoors, smoking and reading or writing. He usually spent his time with Magnolia, which was peaceful and endearing, but going out to the city with Art and his friends was exciting. It was daring and fun, and Remus could truly feel alive.

One time during last year’s Christmas holidays Remus had decided to stick with Art and he had ended up in a car with six other teenagers, some more grown than others. It had been very cramped and uncomfortable since almost every single boy in that car had smoked pot while they had been driving through the London suburbs, listening to crappy music from the car radio and singing along loudly and drunkenly. Remus still remembered how he had clung onto Art even though they had practically sat on each other’s laps, and they had sung together Mott the Hoople’s ‘All the Young Dudes’ into an empty beer bottle, pretending that it was a microphone. The owner and driver of the car, Olly, had driven so fast Remus could’ve sworn back then he had seen the stars flash in his eyes as they had sped down the snowy streets and avenues. Olly’s friend named Cas had been sitting on the passenger’s seat and he had told Remus so many stories he couldn’t possibly remember half of them anymore, though part of the blame falls on alcohol and weed.

The Easter break after that had been even more eventful and Remus wasn’t sure whether to laugh or regret it now that he was thinking about it. He had gone with Art to Olly’s new flat, which was in the East End of London, somewhere in Mile End. It was a really messy place in the middle of a poor area, but Remus remembered the comfortable atmosphere of the flat. Truly, it had smelled like piss, cigarettes and pot, but that was what most of London was about anyway. One night, there had been a big group of guys, probably over ten, and Remus couldn’t recall everyone’s names, but he remembered Olly, Cas, Dustin, Roy, Hugh and Maurie. Nobody had stayed sober and some absurd shit had gone down, but Remus hadn't disliked a moment of it. He had tried acid that night, and it had felt like floating, seeing the sun rise from the sink and bright green grass growing inside the toilet. Remus had almost thrown himself off the balcony in hopes of seeing a real unicorn on the street below the flat, and Art had only encouraged him—luckily Cas had stopped Remus, convincing him that the real unicorn was hiding in the bathtub. That’s where Remus had puked and later fallen asleep in.

Perhaps it was weird to think of such blunders with warmth, but Remus had never felt more alive in his whole life. Normally he was this numb person, who either had to live in old memories or tried to forget everything bad that was haunting him if he didn’t want to feel guilty or horrible. After all, he wasn’t so different from Olly or Cas; neither of Remus’ parents were actually fit to take care of him, since his father was long gone, and his mother was laying in a hospital on a strong medication, barely able to remember his face and name. Olly did have a mum, but she was an alcoholic, and Cas had been orphaned young and looked after by his big sister, who had worked on the streets, selling herself to get Cas and her food and a place to live. However, since Remus had his dad’s inheritance money, he wasn’t in a money crisis, and he went to Britain’s poshest boarding school. He was also lucky enough that the Carells—who had always been Hope and Lyall Lupin’s family friends—had taken him in, when his mother had been taken to the hospital for full care.

It was strange though, how Art had drifted into the London street culture, but Remus didn’t think too much of it. It kind of fit Art, the careless and dangerous lifestyle, but deep in his heart, he would never be one of them. He would never be forced to choose a side, he would never be forced to live on the streets in hunger, he would never have to choose to be in a gang. Art would be safe at home, because he had loving parents with a steady status. But excessive drug and alcohol use was never impossible, and Remus was aware of that. At times he feared for Art, and his tendency to not think straight, but he really couldn’t blame him. Drugs made you feel heavenly, like you could fly all the way to the moon, until they suddenly made you drop the whole way down back to Earth and even deeper into the ground, until the soil suffocated you.

Sometimes Remus wondered why Art kept doing it all—he could be the golden boy, perfect child, playing some sport and getting good grades, but maybe it simply wasn’t meant for him. After all, Art was this lively person, who would probably never actually settle down, so why even try in the first place? Stable wasn’t for him, but Remus hoped unstable wouldn’t suit Art either. He hoped Art would never go down the wrong trail and get himself involved in something really bad, like an actual fight or a robbery, because Remus knew it would all go downhill from there.

Luckily Magnolia existed and she was the sweetest and most understanding human on this planet. She knew all about Art’s adventures and other fuck ups, but she would never sweep the sense of support and solidity from under him. Magnolia was always ready to help, and Remus knew she could get Art out of every possible inconvenient situation if that was needed. She had an incredible talent of resolving everything and talking people out of their intentions; it was a talent Remus felt quite envious of. Magnolia, overall, was an implausible girl with implausible thoughts, and Remus couldn’t bear the idea of losing her.

He didn’t know what they were doing anyway—the sex, the talking, the hiding, the attic, the letter—but he knew one thing: he loved Magnolia. Not even necessarily romantically, but she was one of those people in Remus’ life that had never let him down. Of course he thought she was also attractive and he enjoyed doing romantic stuff with her, but that was only one layer of their relationship. Magnolia knew things about Remus not even James or Sirius were aware of. She knew about his mother’s condition, and she knew why Lyall Lupin had decided to shoot himself all of those years ago, leaving Remus to grow up without a biological father. Magnolia knew the reasons for Remus being Remus and she had learned to read and comfort him throughout the years. She had the honour of being his saving grace, though he didn’t really know if that was an honor at all.

Remus had a habit of thinking less of himself than others did, or that’s at least what Magnolia always told him. He didn’t find himself all that interesting or important, he was just Remus. Remus who came from a wealthy family whose wealth had suddenly turned into his inheritance, which wasn’t useful until he would turn 18. Remus’ father had been a normal man—a family man with a good position in England’s ministry, and he had unluckily married the wrong woman, who had indirectly gotten him killed. Hope Lupin was not a bad person, she was just ill, careless and impulsive. Not only was her personality passed down to Remus, but also the consequences of her actions and decisions. Sometimes Remus wished his mother had acted differently because then he wouldn’t be in such situations. Sometimes he was glad his mother had done what she had, because otherwise his life could be something far more dreadful.

Remus didn’t admit it out loud, but he enjoyed his life as long as the past was behind him, in some part of his brain that could not be revived. The current was alright; his friends, the Carells, school (for most parts) and the little things that mattered. Though when the sun went out and night came, Remus became doubtful. He could neither sleep nor pretend to sleep, he was overwhelmed by his own feelings and thoughts. They were like a never ending river, pouring down his mind and making too much noise for Remus to block them out. Most nights he lay awake in frustration, simply thinking until there was nothing else to think about. It was painful, and it certainly was useless—Remus needed those extra hours of sleep more than the stupid ideas and memories his mind conjured during that time.

Again, Remus should definitely be asleep by now, unconscious and unaware of his surroundings, but instead he was smoking and staring out of the window at the rainfall. It was actually quite calming, but Remus didn’t feel calm. He had grown restless, so he decided to take another cigarette, stubbing the previous ashy one out, and set it between his lips, lighting it with his lighter.

Smoking was one of those habits Remus knew he could never quit—it wasn’t pessimistic thinking, it was realistic. Smoking helped calm his nerves better than anything, but it also caused sleeplessness. Luckily some amazing guy had invented coffee, as it was the only thing that kept Remus sharp and awake during the day. Coffee tasted bitter and sour, but fortunately some other amazing guy had realised you could put sugar in coffee. Remus had an awful sugar consumption, but at least he was aware of it. Everything simply tasted better sweet. James always threw a fit over how many sugar cubes Remus put into his coffee or tea when he was around to witness it, but James ate ketchup on his toast so Remus didn’t really trust his opinion. James also put mustard in every possible soup, mixed beans and cereal for breakfast and used cold hot chocolate as a mixer; he liked the weirdest food combos Remus had ever seen. It was like James had pregnancy cravings everyday without the pregnancy.

Remus was awakened to reality again as a cold breeze of wind cracked the window open wider. The rain had stopped, and it smelt strangely comforting outside, though Remus was now freezing because he only had a t-shirt on, which forced him to close the window and put out the second fag he had barely had time to smoke. Remus always stubbed his cigarettes out on the windowsill, which definitely wasn’t allowed but no one cared enough to expose him for it. He was quite sure that no one ever said anything, because Remus was one of the only people who managed to sneak in hundreds of cigarette packs for one semester, and if he felt like it, he could sell them. Posh kids at Hogwarts were really naive when it came to buying booze—that was what Remus had learned during his years at school.

As Remus climbed down from the windowsill and started walking towards the dorm, he felt more relaxed. Perhaps it was the cigarettes, perhaps the ‘fine, I’ll think it all through then’, but no matter which one it actually was, Remus was just glad he could go to rest and actually fall asleep now. He would get maybe four hours of good sleep before James would wake up for morning practice, but that was better than nothing.

***

“Which subjects did you take again this year apart from the main ones? I’m guessing that English lit at least, but I can’t read your academic mind any further,” Lily asked Remus as they were walking towards the Hogwarts library. Remus had, as anticipated, woken up with the wrong foot today, but he would still have to start studying, and he had chosen to do it with Lily, who was always keen on helping other people. Lily was also clever, and provided Remus with some very good studying tips that he really needed this year.

“Yeah, I’m taking English lit, Spanish and art, though I’m kinda regretting art ‘cause it’s horrible,” Remus replied, grimacing at the auburn haired girl.

Lily smiled at him sympathetically. “At least you’re not in Slughorn’s biology class—yesterday we were cutting up a pig’s heart, and I felt so bad for the pig. You know, it had its whole life ahead of it and we just used it for a biology class like a tool.”

“Instead of being disgusted by a pig’s heart, you felt bad for it?”

“Well, yeah!”

Remus shook his head in amusement, and he got an unappreciative look from Lily for it. “What other subjects did you take then?” he asked to make her think about something else.

“I’m taking Spanish too, and then economics and PE though that wasn’t my first choice. Marlene basically forced me to do it with her, and now I hate her,” Lily explained, her voice making the irritation quite obvious, although Remus couldn’t blame her. If anyone hated sports, it was him. Remus probably couldn’t kick a football even if his life depended on it, and he most definitely couldn’t run for longer than a minute with his cigarette-destroyed lungs.

“McKinnon’s evil,” Remus said with a grin as they finally arrived at the library. It truly was a huge place, and Remus still had difficulties finding specific books, because there were a million sections and each section was organised in alphabetical order by author's last name. Disregarding the incoherence of the books, the library was amazing—it was the best place at Hogwarts to study because of its tranquility and endless fountain of information. It was also the only place at school where James and Sirius rarely set their foot in, so Remus was able to get away from their loud chatting and fumbling for more than five minutes.

Lily chose a smaller table next to a window in the study corner, and Remus sat opposite to her, spreading his school books on the table. He had also taken his first history homework with him in hopes of starting it tonight. Remus had no shame in it anymore: he admitted he was a big swot. It was something James and Sirius had been saying to him for years now, but at least Remus was the top student in history in their year, and the second in English lit, and maybe fourth in math—all because of his huge swotness, otherwise known as the need to be perfect.

“So, how was your summer? You never really got a chance to tell me,” Lily asked as she opened her Spanish textbook, flashing Remus a small smile.

He just shrugged. “It was okay, I guess. I mean, I didn’t do much. What about you?”

“Oh, it was great,” Lily replied, and Remus realised in a matter of seconds that he was in for a gossip but not a study session. He didn’t know whether to bang his head onto a wall or be casual, but happy he couldn’t even pretend to be. “We were on this amazing holiday in France with my family, and I learned a little French though I’ll never speak it out loud—it’s so difficult, I have no idea how someone as dim as Sirius could be fluent in French. Anyway, Pet’s boyfriend—his name’s Vernon, and I don’t really like him—got so angry when she didn’t call for a few days while we were abroad that they were broken up for a few weeks until he called and apologised. I really don’t believe in his loyalty, because he’s an uptight muppet, and not good enough for Pet, but she doesn’t really listen to me anymore. Calls me ignorant and all that as if I’ve never been anything else than a shoulder to cry on for her. Can you believe that?”

“Nope,” Remus said with an exaggerated shocked expression. He sure looked stupid, but he did whatever would make worried Lily pleased, and this was one of those things.

“Right! I love my sister obviously, but she can be so exhausting sometimes. Like one day I was just hanging out with Sev, and she got so mad I was with him instead of her, but how was I supposed to know she wasn’t seeing Vernon that day? Pet started blaming Sev for being rude and–”

“Well, that he is.”

“What did you say?” Lily asked, raising her eyebrows at Remus, who realised it would be better for him to shut up.

“Oh, nothing. Just, continue.”

Lily eyed him suspiciously, but she was too full of concern to stop and scold Remus for being mean. “Yes, so Pet got totally mad at Sev for no reason, and she refused to be in the same room as him, and it got so bad I couldn’t bring him to ours anymore. Petunia’s almost eighteen, I don’t know what’s gotten into her, but she’s acting so childish, and she won’t return my calls anymore. I’ve tried twice today! And of course, to make this worse, Mary and Marls are so caught up in their own stuff they won’t even bother to listen to me. I tried talking about this yesterday, and Mary told me that maybe I should just stop being friends with Sev. Who gives that kind of advice?”

Remus shrugged again. “Friends.”

Now Lily simply frowned, sighing deeply. “It’s just that there's this new pressure this year, and I can’t be distracted because of my stupid sister and her awful excuse of a boyfriend. How do you do it, Remus? How do you keep focus when you live in the dorm with those two hooligans?”

“They’re not that bad,” Remus said although James and Sirius were worse than he would like Lily to know. “I also can’t focus—I just do my stuff and drink loads of coffee.”

“Eugh,” Lily grimaced. “I hate coffee.”

“I know,” Remus replied, opening up his history book, hopefully succeeding in trying to send Lily a message which said he wasn’t interested in Petunia and her boyfriend but rather his history homework.

“You know,” Lily began talking again, and Remus decided to give up, sighing and leaning back on his chair, “people hate such weird things. Like Mary loathes all kinds of hats, and I can’t figure out why, and Sev hates roaches so much he couldn’t watch last year when we were watching this documentary of them—I think he’s just afraid, but it’s still rather strange. Coffee’s not a weird thing to hate, but…”

Remus let Lily’s talking fade into the background as he just sat there, staring at her moving mouth and nodding between the words, seeming like he was listening. He felt like he was sleeping, but with his eyes open. It probably wasn’t the most efficient way to rest, but it was somewhat reviving Remus’ mind that had been nearly blank for the whole day. It had clearly been a mistake to stay up so late, but there really hadn’t been anything else to do since it was simply impossible to sleep sometimes.

Lily talked a whole lot more about Petunia, her new boyfriend and her attitude towards Lily and Severus, but Remus couldn’t really gather anything important nor specific since he wasn’t even actually listening. God, how he wished both Lily and James would finally open their eyes and see that they were literally made for each other—both of them were these insane chatterboxes who had too many things buzzing in their heads at the same time, but both could also be the most helpful and wonderful people. It was tiring, listening to Lily complain about James’ arrogance which was a made-up concept since James really wasn’t arrogant. He was confident and good at everything; that was how James had been raised. Albeit listening to James dream about Lily was painful too, nothing compared to Lily’s stubbornness and short-sightedness. And as she never walzed to anyone else's rhythm; she couldn’t give up those prejudices easily.

When Lily had been talking for twenty minutes or so, she announced that there was serious work to do, and that was the sign for Remus to wake up from his trance. It happened slowly, but he managed to push his sleepiness away by forcing his eyes to trace the letters in his history book. Remus was supposed to write a ten paragraph essay about the Russian Revolution, which was an easy enough subject, and it was even more easier as Remus had read a whole book about it last year out of boredom.

Just as Remus was about to start writing, he was interrupted and it felt so unfortunate he could’ve started throwing hands. Instead Remus stayed calm and intact as it was expected of him.

“Oi, my favourite swots, what're we up to today?” It was a library, and Mary was being awfully loud for that occasion, but nobody around them seemed to be bothered by her presence. Mary had walked up to Lily’s and Remus’ table, Marlene following close behind, and she had a big smile on her face. They both still had their school uniforms on, although Mary’s skirt was hardly accepted as school uniform anymore, because she had rolled it up so high. The two uppermost buttons of her blouse were also open, showing her full cleavage in a way that got all the boys talking.

“History,” Remus answered dryly, and Mary looked at his empty paper suspiciously but didn’t say anything about it.

“What do you want?” Lily asked in turn, switching her eyes between her two dormmates, who were now standing side by side in front of Lily and Remus. It was obvious now that Lily was annoyed by them, probably because they hadn’t been listening to her problems earlier.

Mary and Marlene shared a look, which Remus didn’t care to analyse. “Just wanted to see what you two were up to,” said Mary, looking rather squirmish.

“Yeah, just asking what’s up,” Marlene added, but that was Lily’s last straw, and she closed her Spanish textbook in irritation. “Oh my god! You two act like complete pricks for days, but now that I’m studying with Remus I’m bearable and interesting again?!”

A few year 12’s and 13’s at the table next to them turned their heads angrily towards Lily’s direction, but she didn’t seem to notice. Lily rarely did when she was angry—it was like her frustration had its own world and everyone else was just living in it. Remus felt a little embarrassed though, because he certainly didn’t want to be a reason for Lily yelling in the school library.

“Do you even talk about anything other than boys anymore, Mary? I’m so tired of Jeff, Brad, Wells and Charlie and everyone else you have mentioned! I think I’m gonna lose my mind if you want to start dating Remus, because then I’ll have to listen to the boy crap ten times more!”

Remus was alarmed. “Who said anything about dating me?”

“No one!” Mary exclaimed, giving Lily an irked look. “Do I really annoy you that much?”

Lily sighed, dangling her head down, looking a little disappointed. “I didn’t mean it like that. What were you gonna say anyway?”

After those words the girls seemed to realise they were still in a library, a public space filled with other students, and Mary had a pained expression on her face. “Now that you’ve expressed your opinion, I’m not so sure I wanna ask this.”

Remus was confused and he felt like he wasn’t supposed to exist in a situation like this, and Marlene looked quite tangled too as she was watching the two of her friends argue. At that moment all Remus could think of was that luckily he wasn’t a girl; it seemed to be one of the world’s most complicated things.

After a moment of silence, Mary was the first one to speak up again. “Look, Lily, I know Severus is your friend but he definitely isn’t ours. He acts like a bloody prick towards us! He once called me a slag when I asked Richie Howard out, and I really don’t think he talks so highly about you either, so I can’t be bothered to listen to you complain about how your sister hates him because I do too! And so does Marls, but she won’t admit to you out loud, because she’s scared of how you’re going to react.”

Lily’s antagonised expression disappeared slowly as Mary explained her side of the story. Marlene watched them, looking irritated most definitely because of Mary's mention of her feelings towards Severus and Lily, who had crossed her arms and took a look around to notice that fortunately nobody else was listening to their conversation anymore. Remus was really glad about that too since Hogwarts was one huge nest of gossip these days, and he hated that beyond all.

“You don’t have to like him,” Lily finally replied, her words longing and unsure. “But don’t judge me for being his friend—he’s not actually like that.”

Mary didn’t look pleased but she tried to hide it the best she could. Marlene seemed only relieved since her dormmates weren’t quarreling anymore and she wasn’t dragged in the middle of it. Remus would’ve very much liked to do his history homework rather than listen to Lily’s and Mary’s issues for half an hour combined, but nothing to do about that now.

“Okay,” said Mary. “I definitely don’t like him, but I promise I won’t judge you. Sorry, Lils, I think I’ve been a little rude to you.”

“You’re forgiven,” Lily answered, a small smile arising onto her face.

“Thank God! Are we back to normal now?” Marlene asked, clearly eager for her friends’ truce.

Both Mary and Lily laughed a little. “Yeah, we are.”

Marlene sighed in relief, turning her eyes then to Mary. “Could you please ask Remus what you were gonna ask in the first place, so we can get moving and actually leave the class top two to study?”

“If you’re gonna ask me out, the answer’s no,” Remus said before Mary could get a word in, but she just rolled her eyes and scoffed. “I wasn’t gonna ask you out. I know you have a girlfriend anyway.”

“What?!”

“Geez, do you really have one?”

Remus closed his eyes in agony and wished he could vanish into thin air. “No, I don’t.”

All three of the girls were now chuckling, but Remus could only blame himself. Of course Mary didn’t actually know, she was just a lucky guesser. And it wasn’t like Magnolia was Remus’ girlfriend, because she wasn’t. She would probably never be anybody's girlfriend, just a girl in their life.

“Sure you don’t,” Marlene giggled, and Lily seemed to be resisting the biggest mischievous grin known to mankind.

“Totally,” Mary agreed. “I was just gonna ask you if you know whether Sirius has anything going on with anyone. I mean I saw him and Margaret from House Bridget flirting yesterday, but it could’ve been nothing.”

“Why would I know if Sirius was seeing somebody?” Remus asked and sighed. He wasn’t very loving of all the girls Sirius dated for a few weeks and then forgot as he found a new one. He didn’t care enough to catch their names as Sirius talked about them, and he certainly didn’t care enough to know if he was seeing anyone at the moment.

“Well, you kind of live in the same dorm.”

“Yeah, true. Still don’t know. Sorry, you have to ask him yourself.”

Mary didn’t seem overjoyed about that, but she would manage. Besides, Mary could do so much better than Sirius, and she had already kind of did him—definitely not in that way, they had simply gone out last year on an occasion or a few. It had been like Sirius had dated himself, which probably was a dream of his anyway, but it had been exhausting to watch from the sidelines.

“Alright,” Mary stated then, turning her head to Lily’s direction again. “So, if you’re not mad at me or us anymore, we’re gonna hang out a lot this weekend?”

Lily nodded. “Yes, we are, and you’ll be forced to listen to me complain.”

Mary groaned, but in an ironic way. “Great, we’ll go eat now. See you later, Lils. And definitely see you too, Remus.”

“See you!”

At that Mary and Marlene had turned away, and started walking towards the library entrance they had used ten minutes ago. Lily looked pleased with herself as she watched her friends disappear from her sight. Then she turned to face Remus, looking rather tired. “Are we seriously still gonna study after that?”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “I’m gonna.”

“Amazing! So am I.”

After that there was only plain silence, which Remus was extremely grateful for. He could finally concentrate fully on his history essay as Lily did her Spanish and economics homework quietly across from him. Remus didn’t even like studying, but he made it fun inside of his head, making goals and purposes for it. One of them was to be smarter than Sirius Black, which sounded really stupid, but it actually wasn’t. Sirius had been taught from a very early age everything there was to know, and he was fluent in four languages, one of them being a dead language. Sirius got top marks almost every time, but he never did his homework nor did he study. Remus was convinced Sirius had a secret memory spell cast on him, because there was nothing Sirius ever forgot—that combined with his intelligence, which his insane mother had brought on him by making him spend his childhood years reading books and doing exercises with private teachers.

Remus would never admit it out loud to Sirius though, he would act even more arrogant and cocky after that, which definitely wasn’t in Remus’ wishes. It was enough for him that Sirius boasted around him without even noticing about all the things he knew and could do. Those were what made Remus jealous, and he seldom bothered to be jealous of anyone or anything. Sometimes he just wished he could have all that talent Sirius had without even trying. All doors possible to imagine would be open to him after school, which Remus would truly appreciate, but Sirius hadn’t even considered. He always said there was nothing he wanted to do more than disappoint his parents, which would, by Remus’ guess, lead him somewhere really bad and dark.

It was miserable, but it was the reality of Sirius Black.

***

Friday, September 4th, 1975

The final class of the day, Spanish, had finished minutes ago, and Remus was walking back to his dorm. He was so glad it was the weekend, because that meant he could catch up on homework and at least try to sleep properly. Lily had gone off somewhere with Snape, leaving Remus by himself since none of his other friends were taking Spanish, but he didn’t mind, because for the last hour all Remus had heard was talking. They had done a whole lot of speaking and pronunciation exercises, which he deeply despised, and it had also probably blown Remus’ ear drums since everyone had been talking out of turn very loudly in a small classroom.

But of course Remus couldn’t get more than five minutes of quiet at Hogwarts—he should’ve known that by now. As he was walking towards his dorm, Remus heard noisy shouting behind one of the doors, which was unquestionably James’ voice. He sighed and stopped outside the dorm door to think about his life choices before considering stepping in. It would either be a war between James and Sirius or a war between James, Sirius and the whole world. By the excited tone of James’ muffled voice, Remus detected that it must have been the second option.

When Remus had prepared himself for the horrors that lay inside, he turned the door handle and cracked the door open, trying to step in as unnoticeably as he could, which obviously wasn’t a success. All three of his friends had gathered on Peter’s bed, their heads immediately turning into Remus’ direction as he closed the door behind him. James hopped off the bed quickly and threw Remus a smile so big he could’ve assumed James was getting married to Lily Evans, although the probability of that ever happening was the tiniest of tiny.

“Oi, Moony, we’re planning!” James announced then, making Remus realise that obviously they were. Why else would all three of his roommates be so happy? “Come on, Moony, help us with that big brain of yours!”

At that, James yanked Remus by his arm to Peter’s bed and made him sit down next to Peter, who didn’t look too joyous about all the boys sitting on his bed, but didn’t complain about it out loud. In addition, the twin size mattress was definitely too small for four boys to sit on but James and Sirius didn’t seem to care at all. They were in their element, and Remus and Peter were dragged along.

“What’re you planning?” Remus asked as nobody said anything for a while.

“First prank of the year!” James exclaimed, gesturing with his hands, accidentally hitting his glasses, making them fall on the tip of his nose.

Peter snorted, and Sirius cackled. “You look bloody stupid.”

James fixed his glasses and gave Sirius a sour look. “So do you, but I don’t comment on it every day.”

“Hey!”

“Okay, sod off both of you,” Remus interrupted. “Can’t have you bugging each other again because it’s fucking hell. Now tell me, what are you planning?”

James and Sirius both sighed dramatically before James could continue, and Peter shared a suffering look with Remus. “So, Snivellus is still a disgusting arse, and we’ve decided to make him understand that.”

“And how exactly are we gonna do that?” asked Remus, thinking about all the horrible ideas James and Sirius had already stirred up while he had been in Spanish class.

“We’re not so clear on that yet.”

“Well,” Sirius started, a wide grin appearing on his lips, “we did have some very great ideas, but they were unimplemented.”

“Ah, classic,” Remus nodded, preparing himself for the terrible near future.

“First we thought we could give him a proper shower in front of the whole school,” Sirius said.

“But that wouldn’t have worked since it should be done in front of the teachers too and there’s no way we’d get out of it without any consequences”, James agreed.

“As if we’ve ever got out of anything we’ve done,” Remus murmured, shaking his head.

“Yeah well, I’ve only had two detentions this week,” Sirius defended.

“Two?”

“No, wait, I counted wrong. I’ve had three!”

“Oh bloody hell.”

“Back to the topic!” James interrupted, smacking Peter’s sheet with his hands multiple times, making the shorter boy look at him hatefully. “Then we had an idea we’d turn Lily against him, but since she can’t even talk to me nowadays, we decided against that.”

“Good.”

“Then Peter said we should switch his toothpaste with superglue, but that would be boring since we wouldn’t be able to see the results first hand,” Sirius continued.

“It was a good idea!” Peter backed himself.

“I’ll give you that, Wormy.”

“So, Moony, any glorious ideas?” James asked finally, turning his concentrated face towards Remus, who wasn’t very fond of making Snape a fool right now since Lily would probably burn him alive and keep hate-talking James and Sirius to him.

“Is this necessary?” Remus questioned, raising his eyebrows at the three of his friends.

“Absolutely!”

“Completely!”

“Definitely!”

“Good odds,” he sighed, his mind instantly returning back to the conversation he had with Lily in the library yesterday. Or more like the conversation Lily had had with Remus’ out of body character. Still, Remus could recall the things Lily told him, one of them being what Snape was afraid of. “He hates roaches. Lily thinks he’s afraid of them.”

“Really?” James got so excited Remus was surprised he didn’t fall off the bed and break at least three of his limbs.

“No, I just made that up,” Remus replied sarcastically.

“Moony, I could snog you right now!” Sirius announced loudly, and leaned to hug Remus, who made sure to dodge him very evasively.

“For fuck’s sake, please don’t.”

After that, Remus was freed of his obligation to the prank and he stood up to unpack his school bag he had left on the doorway while James, Sirius and Peter started discussing all the ways they could use roaches against Snape. Remus heard something about putting them into his food, under his pillow or in his clothes. Then he listened how Sirius simply wanted to gather roaches into a bucket and pour it onto Snape’s head while he was eating breakfast or something. Remus thought all of their suggestions were dense, but he didn’t say it out loud since James would probably have his heart on a stake for that.

Remus also knew that once his friends settled on one of the roach prank ideas and acted it out, they would be rightfully dealt with—and so would Remus since he would never actually leave a prank into the hands of those three alone. Either Filch was going to catch them in the act and give them a good ol’ week’s detention, or then McGonagall—the head of House Nicolas—would know it was them and give them three times more detention and some stupid task. Last year she had made Remus scrub every single football trophy the school had ever won squeaky clean. And if either of those tasks weren't done, Lily would be the one punishing them since Snape was her friend. She would most definitely verbally abuse each one of them, then hit James with a book on the head that had already been stumped down during the school years at Hogwarts for that exact reason, and last but not least Lily would not speak to Remus for a week, but it would pass. It always did.

When James, Sirius and Peter seemed to have a clear idea on what they were going to do, James and Peter exited from the dorm, whispering to each other very loudly, which Remus was about to comment on from his bed, but he decided not to. He guessed they were going to acquire those roaches, probably from Slughorn’s storage since he kept all kinds of nauseating things there. Remus and the others had broken in there in year 9 and learned their lesson to not look in the drawers any further than needed.

As James and Peter were gone, and Remus and Sirius were the only ones left in the dorm, Sirius did what he usually would. Under Remus’ gaze, he walked up to his record collection that was kept in a big leather box under his bed, and picked an album of his choice. Sirius never really asked Remus what he wanted to listen to, because after all he was Sirius Black and he did whatever he liked. And as Sirius Black would do, he chose a Bowie album. He picked ‘The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars’ and Remus wasn’t surprised at all. Sirius was convinced that Bowie had written that album about him, which was first of all a ridiculous statement, but sometimes it felt like the truth. Sometimes Remus thought he could hear Sirius in those songs, and it was sort of heart-warming.

Remus leaned back on his bed and closed his eyes as the starting track started playing from Sirius’ record player. He heard how the black haired boy lay on the floor and begin tapping his fingers on it to the rhythm of the music.

“Pushing through the market square
So many mothers sighing (sighing)
News had just come over
We had five years left to cry in (cry in)”

Bowie’s voice filled Remus’ ears and he was forced to open his eyes, slowly tracing his things on the floor with them. It was a mess: his school books were in piles that Remus had thrown his used and unused clothes on, his cigarette packs were all out in the open for anybody to see and amongst those things was a letter from his mother he had attempted to hide from himself. Remus eyed Sirius, who was still in his own world, humming the words to the song and definitely not aware that Remus was in silent distress. Slowly he reached over to the floor and picked up the letter from his stuff, flipping it in his hands for a while. Remus had been debating for a week now whether he should read it or not, but he hadn’t yet. This wasn’t a good moment either, so without giving it any more thought, Remus pulled out a cardboard box from under his bed.

“A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest
And a queer threw up at the sight of that
I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlor
Drinking milkshakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine”

‘Five years’ started to sound painful as Remus stared at the box and letter in turns. He opened the cardboard cover unhurriedly, revealing to himself what was inside; there were tons and tons of letters, almost every single one had the same kind of envelope covering them. Remus had opened maybe five of the lot, which wasn’t even one tenth. Some of the letters were from Lizzie, some from Art or Magnolia, and most from his mother. One day, Remus had stopped writing back, and one day he had stopped reading them at all. It certainly wasn’t good nor nice of him, but little did he care about it now. Remus simply put the most recent letter from his mum he was holding in his hand with the others, and closed the cardboard box without a second thought.

“We've got five years, stuck on my eyes
Five years, what a surprise
We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot
Five years, that's all we've got”

Remus reached back under his bed and slid the box under it, leaving the letter in an ‘out of sight, out of mind’-place. He fully believed in that sentence, which was, in some situations, very stupid, but at least he was conscious of it. Remus knew he was acting like an enormous dipstick, but he wasn’t enthusiastic enough to fix that yet—maybe one day.

As Remus listened to the final seconds of the first track on Bowie’s album, he leaned back against the wall and watched as Sirius’ delicate fingers slowly stopped moving. He lay flat on the dorm floor still, raven hair spread out like a crown, eyes closed and thoughts elsewhere. Remus wondered what kind of place Sirius’ mind was at the moment. Was it someplace far from here? Someplace he had visited before? Someplace he had never seen and was just imagining? Someplace alone or with someone? Maybe Sirius had created a world of his own, where only he and music existed—Remus was quite certain that that was a place where Sirius could shift without feeling like someone else. After all, the heir of the noble house of Black was everything they were not, and he loved nothing more than rock music, which his mother had taught him to despise.

Most days Remus wished he could love something as much as Sirius loved his music. He had admiration for Sirius' passion, because deep down Remus didn’t know if he could ever form such feelings towards something. Remus craved for a connection like that but he also feared such an opportunity would never occur. He feared he was unable to love and unable to be loved—the sad, honest truth for many people, which haunted him often. Remus was conflicted in his own mind.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, September 10th, 1975

“Now, come on, Watson, make the goal!”

The lanky, year 10 boy kicked the football towards the opponents goal, but Lestrade—the team’s goalkeeper—caught it in the air with his hands, sliding onto the ground afterwards. Watson shifted his gaze to the grass beneath him and started walking away from the goal but James stopped him in his tracks. Lestrade stood up from the ground, mumbling something to himself and kicking the ball back to some other boys, clearly eager to try to score a goal too.

Peter listened as James told the younger boy how there had been nothing wrong with his kick, and Lestrade had simply played football since the start of the times and he was really good. James always made everybody feel like they were included and great at whatever they tried. He reassured the unsure players that everybody made mistakes, and it wasn’t possible to be perfect. James was an amazing captain and Peter couldn’t think of anybody else who deserved the leadership more than he did. Sometimes Peter dreamed that he could play football—well, of course he could technically play football, but since he was extremely bad at it, he didn’t want himself fumbling around the field, distracting the whole game. After all, Peter was better at watching and noticing things. By now he knew the strengths and weaknesses of every player of the Hogwarts football team, and James always listened to his opinions and speculations.

Nonetheless Peter prefered to be useful, and he had been a huge football fan since childhood, so he felt helpful by simply analysing the game from the stands and telling his observations to James. For example, in last year’s final match, one of the opponents midfield players had had a slight limp in his left leg, and Peter had told James to utilise that. It had worked gracefully, and Hogwarts had won that match, though not the championship. Championship was very hard to achieve, but Peter knew it was one of James’ biggest dreams, and he wanted to support his friend in the ways he could. Honestly James deserved that championship more than anybody else, because he was insanely focused and motivated—Peter thought highly of that.

Sometimes Peter wished he was like James. It seemed like he had it all so easy, though that was hardly the truth, but James had had the most important values of life handed on a silver plate to him from the moment he was born. Peter’s family was nearly as wealthy as James’, so that wasn’t a factor he was interested in—he was more envious of James’ drive in things he liked doing and the personality he had been gifted with. James was outgoing, kind and funny, when Peter was just an average lad. He thought himself as a kind person too, but he was perhaps too shy and introverted for people to notice. James was also handsome whereas Peter was average in that field too. He wasn’t particularly bad-looking, but as James had an athletic build, smooth brown skin, attractive face and perfectly curly hair, Peter looked very ordinary next to him. He was a little chubby, shorter too, and didn’t even have the face to compromise those with.

Considering those matters, Peter wondered almost everyday how he had managed to get a girlfriend like Camila. They had been together since last February, so over six months now, and Peter had never felt so seen and heard in his entire life. Camila was the most understanding, and he never judged Peter, though he could sometimes deserve that. She was always ready to listen and help, she had the sweetest laugh you’ll ever hear, and she was beautiful. Camila had dark brown hair with a fringe and hazel coloured eyes Peter swore he could look into for days at a time. She had the most contagious smile too, and that had been the reason she had stood out to Peter in the first place.

They had properly met last year, when Peter had joined the chess club since he had needed to start a school activity, and he wasn’t all that bad at chess—in fact, it was something Peter took pride in since none of his friends could beat him at it. His first time at the club, Peter had taken a seat in front of Camila, whose smile had convinced him of it. She had looked the kindest out of all, and that she definitely was. They had played a match, and Peter had won, though he was 99 percent sure Camila had let him. During that they had just talked. Talking was something they still used to do a lot. Peter found comfort in sharing his deepest thoughts and secrets with someone else, and he couldn’t be happier that Camila was the someone. They barely ever argued, but when they did, Peter was the one to blame. He could be difficult at times, not being able to express his feelings or find time to understand Camilas. They always sorted it out though, and Peter thought he was extremely lucky to have found a girlfriend like Camila.

In that matter James hadn’t had luck. He had been pining over Lily Evans for years now, and it was getting a little ridiculous, but nobody dared to say anything about it. James was convinced that one day he would marry Lily. Sirius, who was also Peter’s friend and dormmate, only supported that agenda, and there were no limits to what James and Sirius trusted each other with. Of their friendship Peter often felt jealous of. James and Sirius were quite the pair; it meant automatically chaos if they stepped into a room together, but they also had a bond stronger than just friendship. They were brothers to each other, only not bound by blood but trust and understandment. Peter wondered if his fourth dormmate, Remus, ever thought about James’ and Sirius’ friendship like that too. Usually he seemed unbothered by all and everything, but nobody actually knew what was going on in Remus Lupin’s mind.

Sometimes Peter wished he could read people like his older sister, Lorelei, could. He was used to being envious of James by now, but being envious of his own sister was way more exhausting since she just happened to be bloody perfect. Lorelei was older than Peter by a year, and there was not a day Peter wasn’t reminded of that. ‘Oh, your sister is so talented at math so you must be too’ and ‘I hope you and your sister share some of these admirable qualities’ were things Peter had heard so many times now he was tired of it. It wouldn’t be so bad if he was even slightly good at the things Lorelei was, but as she was one intelligent prick when it came to studies, Peter seemed like a cheap knock-off. He was lucky to pass a math class as Lorelei got extra points from every exam. Peter spent hours and a lot of effort on an art project and he got a B at most and Lorelei could make up some stupid concept and call it perspective and get an A. It was unfair, but Peter supposed there was nothing he could do about it.

Lorelei was altogether the child to be proud of; she was talkative and emphatic, understood what was expected of her and fulfilled the expectations, and she knew what she wanted to do with her life. Lorelei seemed so sure of everything, and Peter was quite certain he had never seen his sister doubt anything for more than two seconds in her entire life. She knew she wanted to study journalism, just like their mother, and she wanted to travel the world. Peter had no such ambitions—he would probably end up doing whatever his parents and teachers thought suited him best. Lorelei always tried to encourage him to do what he wanted to, but she hardly knew of Peter’s intentions. She was a good sister to him, when he gave her a chance, but most of the time Peter couldn’t bear the thought of Lorelei being nice to him, which was quite fucked up. He didn’t want her sister to be perfect at something else he could never be, not for the thousandth time in a row.

It definitely didn’t make things easier that the expectations at home were set so high. Peter’s mother had always dreamt of a smart, sensible boy who would choose a nice university to attend to and a job that would earn him a good amount of money. Of course she also wanted her boy to have a family and children. For Lorelei there were no such projections; their parents wanted her to have a nice enough life, money, love and health. Peter’s father wished that Lorelei would find a gratifying man, good enough to start a family with, which only caused secretiveness around Lorelei’s dating matters. Peter hardly knew who she was going out with since she didn’t want to speak of such things, because she was afraid of dad finding out what kind of boys were spending time with his perfect daughter. Peter understood that though, and it was solely Lorelei’s business who she was going out with.

“Don’t be dim, he is not that bad!”

“Oh, but he is!”

Peter’s thoughts were interrupted as the two familiar girls walked the stairs up to the stands. They didn’t pay any attention to Peter, who was sitting at the front, a math book open on his thighs but not a single exercise done. He was horrible at math, and it had become very clear during today’s class. Peter listened as Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon sat a few rows behind him, continuing their conversation which had nothing to do with him. And apparently he was easy enough to ignore too.

“Lily, I would totally date him if I had to pick a guy to date.”

“Well, unfortunate for him, I wouldn’t.”

As the two girls carried on their discussion, Peter quickly realised it was about James. James, who was so head over heels for Lily, it was painful to watch.

“Why not? Have you seen him without a shirt on? I swear it’s something you’ve got to–”

“Marls, I am not interested! How many times do I have to repeat it?”

“A thousand.”

“Fine. I’ll start now if you’re so eager: I’m not interested, I’m not interested, I’m not–”

“For God’s sake, I didn’t mean that!”

Peter didn’t know whether he should slip back to his thoughts, listen to Lily’s and Marlene’s conversation or follow the football training, which was near to its ending. Math homework he certainly wasn’t going to do, that was for sure.

“I’m just trying to say that maybe you should give him a chance! I mean, he’s been trying to ask you out for two bloody years at least.”

“It would feel like cheating!”

“On who? Severus? Because there’s absolutely no way that you–”

“Not Sev! On myself, stupid!”

“How could you possibly cheat on yourself by going out on a nice date with some guy?”

Peter heard Lily sigh loudly before she continued. “I’m at school, Marls. I’m focusing on my studies, and I won’t be distracted by some unnecessary boy. You know, I am not like you all—I’m a scholarship student, so I need to be good just on my own. I can’t rely on my parents’ money, because they do not have such wealth.”

A moment of silence was followed by Lily’s words.

“You won’t fail your exams if you go out with a boy, Lils.”

“I know I will! I can’t risk it.”

“When will you have time to live if those are your reasonings for not dating?”

“Dating doesn’t mean living. I can be happy merely on my own, thanks for your concern, Marls.”

“No problem,” Marlene murmured, and Peter could imagine how her whole face dropped.

Fortunately for him—as he physically couldn’t listen to girls being dramatic about something so simple and stupid anymore—James blew into his whistle as a sign of the practice coming to its end. Peter watched as the players started gathering their things and walking towards the locker room near the right side of the field. Unlike the others, James took a football into his arms and waved at Peter. Peter gave a small wave back, and James began jogging towards the stands. It didn’t take very long for James to run from the other side of the field to where Peter was sitting.

When James arrived at the stands Peter noticed how sweaty the curly haired boy actually was. His jersey was soaked through on the back and armpits, his forehead was covered in little drops of sweat and his hair was moist too. But the funny thing was that James didn’t look bad at all—in fact he looked perfectly handsome.

“Good practice?” Peter asked, noticing that the girls behind him had gone completely quiet, probably observing James in his element.

“Yeah, mostly,” James replied with a bit of a shortened breath. “Would be loads of better though if some of the lads weren’t so bloody insecure. They don’t even realise that they’re good when they’re always focusing on the bad things!”

“Should you maybe tell ‘em that?”

“Erm… great suggestion, mate.”

Peter was a little amused. “Right. I think you should also tell Watson that he shouldn’t be kicking with his toes, not even by accident since I don’t think he’d be so stupid to do it on purpose.”

James groaned. “Is that why he’s missing every time?!”

Peter shrugged. “Not entirely sure, but I think so.”

“Damnit, I think I’m blind!”

“You sort of already are”, Peter commented, pointing to the glasses on James’ nose.

“Oh shit, true!”

After that a small laughter erupted from James’ throat, and he told Peter he should probably get going since soon the locker room would be empty and he would have nobody to tell his new advice to. Then James spurted across the field to the locker room, and Peter watched as his red jersey with the golden coloured number 7 disappeared behind the door.

Peter started gathering his stuff back into his school bag, and stood up from the bench. He hadn’t actually got any school work done, but he would still have some time to do it later tonight. As Peter made his way through the bench rows to the very back, he threw a small smile to Lily and Marlene, who looked at him as he walked past them. Lily seemed rather uptight, but she managed to curve the sides of her mouth upwards, and Marlene simply stared. She was wrapped tightly in a scarf, and Peter wondered why, since it was only September and the air wasn’t that cold yet. Perhaps Marlene was chronically cold—something Lorelei always complained about.

“Christ, do you think he was listening to everything we were saying?!”

“It’s just Peter! It’s not like he’s gonna tell the whole school how you’re never gonna get any because you just wanna study, you bloody swot.”

“Marls! Oh God, what if he tells James? I think it would only make this situation worse, and he would become even worse, and…”

Peter smiled to himself as he left the voices of the two House Celestina girls behind him, walking through the school grounds towards the Hogwarts main building. It was kind of funny how panicked Lily had become, but for the sake of her Peter decided he wouldn’t utter a word of it to James. After all, Lily was not bad at all. She was gentle before all, and Peter was pretty sure he understood why she didn’t want to start dating at this age. She was so focused on school and future it felt unreal to Peter. He wished he could have the same sort of discipline as Lily Evans—it would make his life somewhat easier.

The grass beneath Peter’s feet was covered in little water droplets from the morning even though it was nearly midday. On every Wednesday all of the students had a free period from 11 to 12 since the teachers and other staff had a meeting. James had obviously insisted on having practice during that time, because in the morning everyone was slow and tired and at evening exhausted and frustrated. And Peter reckoned McGonagall was easy enough to convince if you were James Potter or Sirius Black.

As Peter reached the huge, old-fashioned castle-like building, he noticed all the other students who had come outside to cherish the last warmer days before autumn would blow right over them, making the air cold and leaves fall flat on the ground. Peter saw his older sister shortly with a tall, wide shouldered year 13 boy with raven black hair, sitting on the sun dried grass. Lorelei was smiling from ear to ear, and Peter couldn’t think about anything else than how disapproving their father would be of that rather dangerous-looking guy. He was carelessly holding Lorelei’s waist, whispering something into her ear, making her giggle while the group of friends they had around them were talking about something else. Peter shook his head and simply continued his way into the great hall. It was lunch time, and he had grown hungry while watching James’ football practice. Sirius and Remus would probably be there too though Peter wasn’t entirely sure what they had been up to for the last hour or so.

Probably something extremely stupid and regrettable—that would only be expected.

***

Thursday, September 11th, 1975

“Wormy, pssst!”

Peter turned around on his chair, only to see Sirius leaning forward, black hair falling from behind his ears and blue eyes gleaming in excitement. He had a playful grin on his face, which already informed Peter of the upcoming words.

“Do you have ‘em?” Sirius whispered, pointing into Peter’s school bag with his eyes.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Do I have to put them there now?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Obviously.”

Peter sighed. “Fine, I’ll do it.”

Taking a look around the quiet history classroom, Peter slowly reached into his school bag, searching for a metal container they had stolen with James last chemistry lesson. Inside of it were a couple dozen big, nasty roaches which they had also stolen, but from Slughorn’s biology storages. Peter exchanged looks with enthusiastic Sirius before turning back around on his chair, the metal container hidden in his hands under the table.

Professor Binns was currently talking about the Cold War, which was not very interesting in Peter’s opinion nor anybody else's. Except of course Remus’ and Lily’s, who were both more awake than ever, staring at Binns’ moving mouth and taking notes. They were clinically insane for liking history so much, especially Binns’ history—Remus always tried to convince everybody that Binns was an intriguing storyteller once you tried to actually listen. Peter did not believe in that at all and nor did James since he was half asleep on his table, eyes closed and his school bag used as a pillow. Peter decided he didn’t need to be awakened. In front of Peter was sitting Severus Snape, straight and still, staring at the chalkboard where Binns was writing important dates and events with a chalk that was scratching the board’s surface with grating sounds.

Peter leaned forward on his table, reaching into Snape’s bag with his hands still under the table. He probed the bag; there were only school books and some papers at the bottom. As silently as Peter could, he opened the metal container inside of Snape’s bag, turning it upside down, making the roaches fall into the fabric, which made no sound whatsoever. Snape didn’t seem to note anything as Peter took the container out, clipped it closed again and shoved it back into his own bag. As he turned around, Sirius was grinning like a bloody fool, looking like he could burst out laughing any minute.

The ten minutes before chaos erupted felt like the longest of Peter’s life. He stared impatiently at the clock as did Sirius, who was tapping with a pen on his desk as each second passed. Remus pretended he was unaware of what his friends were doing, scribbling tons of notes down on paper and listening to Binns’ tiring talking. James was still sleeping—he was drooling onto his school bag, but Peter couldn’t think of a subtle way to wake him since James always woke up like somebody was standing over him with a knife in hand. But as the clock hand went over 11 and Binns announced that the class had come to its end, there really was no need to wake James up anymore.

As Severus Snape turned around and grabbed his bag onto his desk, trying to shove his history book in it, poured only a couple dozen roaches onto his hands. Snape stood up so quickly he nearly fell over and took the girl, Charity Burbage, who had been sitting next to him with him. A few other girls screamed as the roaches started crawling from Snape’s table, dropping onto the floor and running around with those little clicking sounds. In a moment, the whole class had noticed the nasty-looking insects trailing in the vicinity of Snape’s desk.

“Why are there bloody roaches!”

“Eugh! Who brought those here?”

“What the fuck! They’re crawling on my shoes!”

Peter had also stood up from his seat, but he had backed up enough to not get in contact with the roaches and still see the chaos release first hand. Binns didn’t look like he cared about the whole situation, he simply told the students to leave the creatures alone and ordered a boy sitting next to the door to get Filch. Peter and Sirius were both laughing at Snape’s horrified face—he was now standing furthest away from the black shelled roaches, back pressed tightly against the wall, skin gone white and eyes as open as a full moon. He was gripping his school bag in his arms so firmly his knuckles had gone white too. Peter had to admit, he had never seen Snape look so afraid before.

“Nice work, Wormy, consider this your birthday gift!” Sirius exclaimed, and gave Peter—whose birthday actually was today—a pat on the shoulder as Binns began pulling students out of the classroom. Binns was an old man with graying hair, and he looked quite exhausted as a group of girls complained to him about his ignorance of such a vile crisis.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?!”

That was James. His hair was a huge mess, his glasses were messed up and he looked aggrieved, as if Peter and Sirius had left him on the shore of a deserted island and simply sailed away.

“You were getting the best sleep of your life, mate!”

“And you were drooling,” Peter pointed out.

James swiped the corners of his mouth. “Er, thanks for the information, Pete.”

“God, you three are stupid,” scoffed Remus as he walked up to them, a bag hanging on his shoulder and an expression somewhere between frustrated and amused on his face. “Let’s go before it becomes obvious it was us.”

“Yeah, I think it’s a little too late for that,” Sirius said, giving a longing look to his left where Lily Evans could be found with a furious look on her face. She didn’t confront them or anything of the sort, just stared angrily deep into their souls.

“Oh, come on, let’s go,” Remus urged, but James was standing still, refusing to move in one direction or another.

“I think she doesn’t like me.”

“Nothing new there,” said Sirius, trying to grab James lazily by the neck. “Come on now!”

Peter and Remus were already walking towards the entrance, but Sirius couldn’t get James to move. Not even when Lily walked past them, giving James a sour expression. It seemed like he was stuck, glued to the floor, not able to move. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been such a big deal but as they were the main four suspects for an incident like this, it would have been very nice of James to lift his bloody feet and start–

“Ah, Misters Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew, what do I owe the pleasure?”

Peter turned his eyes slowly towards the door not to see Filch, but something three times worse—McGonagall.

“I see you have found yourselves another way to fool other students.”

***

A week of detention with Binns, a handwritten apology note and humiliation—that had been McGonagall’s idea of a perfect punishment for the four boys, though that had been quite mild compared to the ones from last year. This prank hadn’t been so harmful either so Peter was mostly happy with his sanction. Sirius and Remus were fine too, but James was sour since he had slept through the prank and he was also the only one missing out on something (football practice) because of the detentions. And now there were no signs of James’ disappointment anymore—he was laying on his bed, head hanging upside down near the floor and a vodka bottle in one hand, swinging it dangerously in the air. James was singing along to The Kinks whom Sirius had wanted to play.

“Girl, I want to be with you all of the time
All day and all of the night
All day and all of the night”

James sounded ridiculous, but Peter didn’t dare to comment on it. He was swaying on his bed from side to side in the rhythm of the song. Remus and Sirius were sharing a cigarette, sitting on the floor next to each other. Peter hated how their dorm smelled like cigarettes all the time, but he had stopped complaining about it and accepted his fate: Remus and Sirius would never stop smoking in the room. This time they hadn’t even opened the window; Sirius forgot to do it all the time, and it was infuriating.

“I believe that you and me last forever
Oh yeah, all day and nighttime yours, leave me never
The only time I feel alright is by your side”

Now James was simply screaming the lyrics, shaking his head around, glasses nearly falling off. There was no question of who James was thinking of while the words left his lips and he suppressed Ray Davies’ voice entirely. After the song ended James sat up on his bed and he sounded awfully out of breath as he offered the nearly emptied vodka bottle to Peter, who took it very willingly. He took a good sip out of the bottle mouth, passing it then to Sirius and Remus.

“You know, Prongs, you should definitely pursue a singer’s career,” Sirius joked before he took a long drag from the cigarette they were sharing with Remus.

“Oh totally,” James agreed, an amused twinkle in his eyes. “I’d steal every British girl’s heart with my extraordinary vocal chord.”

“Why not foreign too? Think you could slip in a little Hindi and make the Indians fall for you too?” Sirius suggested, a wide grin on his face.

“Y’know I can’t even speak it properly,” James broke into laughter, and got Remus to smile too.

“Fortes fortuna adiuvat,” Sirius stated while smiling in clear Latin, making James roll his eyes. “Oh fuck you too Mr. fluent in four languages!”

“Too bad you’re so horrible you can’t even learn a second language,” Sirius sneered playfully, making James attack him from the bed. James had the black haired boy in a matter of seconds in a headlock that made both of them fall onto the floor, Sirius fighting for freedom and James trying to keep him pinned down. It looked childish, but truly it was drunken and quite normal.

“Oi, gerroff, you wanker!”

“Kiss my feet and maybe I will!”

The two boys continued rolling on the floor as one while Peter and Remus watched their stupid fight, smiling and sharing the last drops of alcohol in that vodka bottle. As James was about to kick the record player which was still playing The Kinks with his leg, panic rose to Remus’ face. “Not the player! James, move with it!”

Peter laughed at the distraught expression on normally so unconcerned Remus’ face as he watched in tension how James managed to pull himself on the opposite side of Sirius, ensuring the safety of the valued record player. If it had broken, Sirius might have actually done something unspeakable to James. He talked about the record player like it was the love of his life, but Peter couldn’t really blame him. He was quite sure that Sirius had a soul tie to that widget.

“Get off ‘a me or I’ll break your nose, bastard!”

“Feel free, prick!”

James and Sirius continued wrestling until both of them lay on the floor, breathing heavily and looking exhausted. They had rucked tons of Sirius’ homework as he always left them laying on the floor with no care in the world and managed to roll the carpet that was normally in the middle of the room under James’ bed. At least Remus’ chaotic bedside had been left untouched, because the third World War would have definitely broken out if his stuff had been even slightly harmed. Once Peter had accidentally spilled tea on one of Remus’ books he had left in the dorm kitchen and he had learned dearly from that to never ruin anything of Remus’ again.

“We done, Prongs?” Sirius finally asked, moving his glance from the ceiling to James.

“Yeah, we’re done, Pads.”

“Thank God,” Remus sighed in relief, handing the cigarette to Sirius as he sat up from the lying position. “I feared for my bloody life that you two idiots would break the record player.”

“You’re hilarious when you’re afraid, Moony,” Sirius smirked, taking a drag out of the cigarette blowing the smoke straight to Remus’ face who gave Sirius the bird in response.

“For once in my life, can I open the window?” Peter coughed as the cigarette smoke filled his nostrils again notably.

“No!”

“Yes.”

James started laughing uncontrollably, still laying flat on the floor. “Are you afraid of the fucking weather, Black?”

“Piss off, Potter!” Sirius replied, but a smile rose onto his lips.

Remus gave a simple nod to Peter, who took it as a sign to open the window. He stood up from his own bed and made the way to the window, cracking it open slowly. It always creaked loudly but in the window’s defense, it was at least a hundred years old. The air had gone cold, the sky darkened to a dark blue shade and Peter could now see the constellations clearly though he didn’t know which was which. He breathed in the fresh air, closing his eyes for a small moment. The moment didn’t last very long though—it never did when you were in the same room as James Potter and Sirius Black.

“Okay, Prongs, tell me your biggest secret and I promise to never mock your linguistic skills again.”

“You’re torturing me! You already know everything!” groaned James, finally sitting up from his back too.

Peter turned around as he felt the mischief rush into his veins. “Oh, I know a huge one you’ve never told anybody but me!”

The change in James’ expression was very noticeable, and Peter fell back onto his bed with laughter as he watched his friend panic internally. “You’re killing me, Pete!”

Remus raised his eyebrows in amusement. “James, what is it?”

“Yeah, tell us, Prongs!”

“I think I might bury myself alive before uttering another word,” James said, his eyes wide open and mouth frowned. “Gimme that bottle at least, I need a sip.”

Remus pursed his lips, shrugging a little. “Erm… there’s nothing to drink anymore.”

“Oh, I hate you both!” James wailed pointedly at Peter and Remus, both of them just chuckling at his suffering.

“Come on, Prongsty, you know I’ll save this question for the next time Mary forces us to play truth and dare and if you don’t answer now then Lily will hear it too!” Sirius urged, clearly trying to get a proper answer out of his best friend.

“You’re evil!” James groaned. “You’re Satan, you’re a demon! And what the fuck is ‘Prongsty’?”

“Angsty Prongs.”

The three other boys laughed at James as his face started resembling the deepest form of agony. Peter could only say that it was completely reasonable—James’ biggest disgrace ever was about to be dug out of him by force, but it was also the funniest thing Peter had ever heard. When James had told him out of sole panic, Peter had laughed in his face.

James sighed, seeming like he had given up on getting out of the situation. “If I say it, you cannot tell a single living soul about it. If you do, I’ll personally slaughter you all.”

“We won’t,” Peter, Sirius and Remus replied in unison, making James look rather doubtful.

“Alright, here we go,” James began, giving each of his friends that ‘I truly meant what I said’ look before continuing. “So, we were in our Cornwall cottage this summer with mine and Pete’s family as you know, and one day we went to this pub ‘cause mum wanted to talk to the owner since it was her old friend or something. I went to hang out in some hallway to look at some paintings and I saw some, well, I saw a ginger girl–”

“Oh good God, I totally know where this is going!” Sirius interrupted eagerly, but James gave him a look so dirty he shut up instantly.

“Err, so yeah, the ginger girl—who was a woman by the way. I thought it was Lily, you know, so I called her Evans and she heard me and turned around and surprise—not Lily. Yeah, you’d think it’d end here, but unfortunately she walked up to me and asked how much I’d be willing to give her–”

“Blimey, Prongs, did you get approached by a prostitute because you thought she was Evans?!” Sirius cut in again, making James give him another disapproving look.

“You know what, Padfoot, yes I did,” James confirmed. “And not only did it end there, but she–”

“How the fuck does it not end there?”

“Can you stop bloody interrupting me, Pads?”

“Sorry, Prongs!”

James rolled his eyes, a suffering expression filling his face again. “So, the woman started telling me how rich I looked and how she’d give me a blowjob for five ‘cause I’m so handsome, so I obviously panicked and I screamed to her face that I’m just fifteen, and she looked like she had actually committed a crime, but it only got worse as my mum–”

“Your mum?!”

“Sirius, seriously, stop or I’ll cut your toes off!”

At that Sirius simply looked disgusted, but decided to silence himself anyway.

“So, my mum came around and started calling the woman all kinds of nasty names and the woman left all miserable and angry, and only then did I get to tell my mum it was an accident, but she started talking all ‘bout how I should never buy sex and by then the whole pub was listening to my mum giving me ‘the talk’!”

As James stopped in hopes of a reply of some kind, Sirius was completely silent, staring at his best friend with an unreadable expression, Peter was holding in his laughter, making it hard for him to breathe, and Remus was biting his bottom lip, trying to keep on a believable poker face on. In addition, The Kinks still playing in the background didn’t make the situation any less funny.

“Someone say something!” James exclaimed, burying his face into his hands.

Remus swallowed thickly, nodding slow paced. “Erm, great story, Prongs.”

Sirius agreed with another nod. “Yeah, I like it—it’s very unique and original!”

“Jesus Christ, I’m gonna jump off the roof!”

As James yelled into the palms of his hands, Sirius, Remus and Peter all erupted in loud laughter, somehow making James even more embarrassed than before. Sirius fell onto his back on the floor again, tears of joy running down his cheek, and Remus started coughing painfully in the midst of laughing. Peter felt like he couldn’t get a fresh breath of air in as he simply couldn’t stop cackling at James’ uneasy reaction.

The drunken Thursday evening continued on with even worse stories and jokes, and James and Sirius having yet another playfight, this time almost corrupting Sirius’ guitar, which nearly caused him a heart attack. For the sake of that, both of them realised they should stop trying to beat one another, and both Peter and Remus were extremely glad about that. James and Sirius had broken countless things from the dorm because of their snickering during the last four years Peter couldn’t possibly even remember all of them. The most memorable ones had been James’ wardrobe which had needed to be replaced by the school, Sirius’ bed that still hadn’t been fixed to this day and the bathroom sink which they all had gotten a week of detention for. It had been merely Sirius’ fault, but his cowardly arse hadn’t admitted that to McGonagall last year so they all had had to face the consequences of Sirius’ stupidity.

It wasn’t until the clock hit half past ten when Peter realised he had forgotten something very important—he jumped up from his bed, ran to the door and screamed to his friends: “I’ll see you soon if I’ll live long enough!” before hurrying out of the dorm. It was over an hour past curfew, but Peter couldn’t bring himself to care about that as he was walking fastly through the meandering Hogwarts corridors, trying to find his way to House Agatha in his tangled state of mind. Peter feared Filch would catch him in this condition on a weeknight out of the bed, but since the thing he had forgotten—meeting with his own girlfriend—was much more valuable than avoiding a few detentions, he continued the quick paced walk determinedly.

House Agatha was located on the third floor which was one floor lower than House Nicolas, so the way from Peter’s dorm to Camila’s wasn’t even that long, but currently it was feeling like a whole eternity. Hogwarts was a huge place anyway, Peter still got lost even though he had been there for four years. The best thing about the enormous old-schooled boarding school were the secret rooms and passageways hardly nobody knew about. There were classrooms that hadn’t been used in over fifty years, storages all emptied out and tunnels behind broom cupboards leading to another side of the floor—Peter had once discovered one of those by accident when Filch had been practically running after him.

As Peter finally reached House Agatha’s entrance, he saw Camila. She was sitting on the utmost stair of the spiral staircase, dressed in her white pajama pants and a light brown jumper. Camila shot up her glance the moment she heard Peter’s doorsteps from the book in her hands; there was no doubt whether she had been reading in a loss of mind and forgotten that time actually did pass. Camila’s pink lips curved into a smile and she tucked a piece of dark brown hair behind her right ear as Peter walked up to her, deciding to sit on the same stair as her.

“I profusely apologise for my ignorance,” Peter stated, trying to sound as sober as he could. “I completely forgot ‘cause we had this booze in our fridge from last year, and you know the roach-thing from earlier, so James and Sirius wanted to celebrate, and since it’s also my birthday we thought It’d be like justified and–”

“Yeah, I had a hunch,” Camila interrupted, giving Peter a reassuring smile and closed the book she had in her hands. “I’m just happy you’re not wasted to the core.”

Peter laughed a little nervously. “Yeah, I still don’t think I’m gonna go to my morning classes tomorrow.”

“That’s great since I’m gonna skip too—Sherry thought she’d sleep in and I’m definitely not going to physics without her.”

“That bad?” Peter asked, slowly reaching for Camila’s hand, taking it into his own, tracing zigzag lines all around it.

“Mhm,” the brown haired girl nodded. “Last year I had to do some experiments with Mulciber ‘cause Sherry was skipping, and he’s still in our class.”

“Eugh,” Peter grimaced.

Camila snorted. “Are you trying to draw something on my hand? It feels like a lion.”

Peter chuckled. “No! I’m just tracing. Though I reckon it could be a lion if you want.”

At that he started sketching a lion’s head with his fingers on Camila’s palm albeit it turned out to be quite difficult since Peter couldn’t actually see what he was doing. First he drew the eyes and muzzle, moving onto the head shape, ears and the mane.

“You know your hand is shaking like crazy, right?” Camila asked, amusement in her voice.

“Bollocks, must be the booze.”

Camila giggled and made Peter laugh too. He proceeded to finish the imaginary lion drawing on Camila’s skin though if it was visible it wouldn’t probably have looked like a lion at all. Peter tended to get very clumsy and uncertain when he was tipsy, so mostly he was just glad he hadn’t fallen down any stairs on the way to House Agatha. And fortunately Camila was chill and understanding enough to not be angry at Peter for getting drunk and forgetting about seeing her; she understood that both of them were still young and there was no reason to be overly attached to one another since it would only cause misery. Peter still wondered how he had gotten so lucky with Camila—she was flawless in every way he could think of.

For a good while the two teenagers sat on the stairs, chatting and laughing at dumb jokes. It wasn’t until midnight when Peter heard a loud slam from somewhere and he realised anybody could catch them breaking curfew. He said his farewells to Camila, who wished him happy birthday one last time although the day had officially changed. Peter gave his girlfriend a proper goodnight’s kiss that would linger on his lips for the rest of the night before leaving.

Peter didn’t really want to leave but he did anyway—it was disappointing how he knew he would wake up with a horrendous hangover next morning, but he was so sleepy he could’ve dozed off right there on his feet.

Happy 15th birthday me, Peter said to himself in his head, now you’re also obligated to act as mature as your sister.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, September 16th, 1975

Potatoes were overrated—they tasted bland and were always either over boiled or half raw. Marlene despised boiled potatoes beyond all, but she couldn’t resist eating them since her hunger had grown insufferable during math class. She hadn’t even had time to eat breakfast in the morning, as her alarm hadn’t rung for some unknown reason. Marlene had woken up in panic of being late from her first lessons, but in the end, she had made it on time to biology class.

“Mary, I hate when you chew with your mouth open,” Lily commented judgmentally, giving Mary a pointed look. “Could you stop?”

Mary rolled her eyes, setting the fork from her hand down to the plate. “I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose.”

“Well, you could always learn not to.”

Marlene groaned internally, shifting her gaze to her plate, which had been emptied of everything except the bloody potatoes. Lily and Mary were always snickering about the most irrelevant, stupid stuff you could ever imagine, and it had only gotten worse this year. It had been two weeks since they had arrived at Hogwarts, and already two fights had broken out between the three of them. One of them had been about Mary’s constant late and loud arrivals to the dorm when Lily and Marlene were already sleeping, and the other about how nobody ever listened to Lily’s worries—mainly because they involved Severus Snape, whom only Lily liked.She was possibly the only person on this planet.

Nevertheless, the continuous arguing was exhausting; Marlene couldn’t actually recall a day when the two of her best friends hadn’t thrown some mean comments at one another. It wasn’t like Lily and Mary couldn’t tolerate being around each other, they were as close as friends could be, but Marlene was quite sure the quarreling was caused by the fact that they were together every second of every day. When you’re living at a boarding school nearly the whole year and sharing a small dorm room with two other girls, a wish for some alone time and silence is topical. The only time the dorm was truly quiet was when Mary was out with one of her boyfriends, or Lily was studying so intensely nobody dared to even talk in her vicinity. Marlene thought of herself as a quiet person and she never got complaints from Lily and Mary for being loud. She couldn’t say the same about the two of them, though.

Lily usually wasn’t a loud person either, but when she was angry or excited, she would holler at the stars that were hundreds of thousands of miles away. Lily also had a habit of getting annoyed easily, which always ended up in petty arguments and unreasonable accusations.

On the other hand, Mary was a loud person and there was no denying that. She talked with the volume twisted to the maximum, which was not a thing to enjoy, since Mary had an endless fountain of sentences in her head. There was always some new juicy gossip, a handsome boy, or something to bitch about. Mary never ran out of things to say, and Marlene guessed that that was why she got on Lily’s nerves so much; Mary always talked about her own things, not taking the time to listen to Lily.

“What’ve you got next, Lils?” Mary asked, obviously trying to sound pleasant.

Marlene peeked up from her plate, giving Mary a questioning look which she replied to with a small shrug.

“Economics.”

“Amazing,” Mary replied. “Since there’s also the year 12’s and Georgie’s taking economics, I was wondering if you could spy on him for me?”

Lily raised her gaze from the textbook she had in front of her on the long dining table. “Who the hell’s Georgie?”

“Well, you know Georgie. George Howard, from House Aberforth, right?”

“The guy who’s practically balding?” Lily inquired, grimacing at Mary. “Are you dating him now?”

“Not yet,” Mary confirmed, tilting her head over the table closer to Lily. “I just need to know if he’s got a thing for Gemma Montgomery, she’s taking economics too.”

Marlene rolled her eyes. “Can’t you just ask him yourself?”

Mary scoffed. “That wouldn’t be very untouchable of me, would it?”

Marlene shrugged, still not fully understanding Mary’s reasoning, but she decided not to argue it. That would only make things worse and that would be absolute torture.

“I’m pretty sure he’s going out with her already,” Lily answered in turn, catching Mary’s attention. “I mean, I caught them making out in the hallway past curfew one day.”

“Really?” Mary asked, a confused look on her face. “You know, I really thought he had it for me! And what the bloody hell were you doing out of bed past curfew anyway?”

“Mary, dear, I’m a prefect.”

“Oh, right, that.”

Marlene shook her head, equally in amusement and frustration. “I think you’ve actually got the memory of a goldfish.”

“Gosh, it’s really not that bad! Also, I’ve been dating Georgie and Henry at the same time, so how could I possibly remember?”

“You’ve been dating two guys at the same time?” Marlene raised her eyebrows.

“Uhh, yes.”

“Alright.”

Mary threw a suspicious look at her dorm mate. “What, you think I’m a slag now too?”

“Oh my God, when did I say that?” Marlene groaned, throwing her head back.

“I don’t know, I guess you were implying it quite heavily.”

“Jesus Christ, Mary!”

Mary rolled her eyes, stabbing the salad on her plate with her fork. “Look, sorry, but it's so annoying when you two give each other those looks about how stupid I am and think that I don't notice it.”

“Nobody’s saying you’re stupid, Mary,” Lily reassured with a long sigh. “I just get bored of the bloody boy talk—I mean, don't we have anything else to talk about?”

“Agreed,” Marlene stated. It sounded like they were discussing a war plan, but honestly, that's exactly what it was.

“Fine, here’s the deal,” Mary started, putting her cutlery aside. She gave both Lily and Marlene a skittish look before continuing. “None of us talk about boys for the rest of the day, but hate talk is allowed, even if it includes a boy.”

“Great idea, how long do you think you’ll last? Personally, I'm going with two whole minutes,” Lily said with a sarcastic tone, making Mary roll her eyes again.

“How about we try this once, without insulting each other?”

“Thank you, Marls!”

“Doesn't mean I’m still not pissed off at you.”

“Okay, we‘ll do this, but we’re still allowed to bash boys, right?” Lily ensured, making Mary snort and Marlene laugh a little.

“You have someone particular in mind or just being strange as usual?” Mary asked.

“I’m just saying, I can't stand the way Potter’s drooling from the other side of the hall, while I'm trying to eat, especially after he put bloody roaches into Sev’s school bag to scare him! That's just mean, right?”

Marlene peeked over to where Lily was looking, and not to her surprise, James Potter was staring at Lily, all big-eyed and clueless. God, she wondered how many years James would continue his fantasy of finally getting Lily to fall for him. Marlene had just talked with Lily about the whole James, crush, and relationship thing, but since Lily was a swot and owed her whole life to school, there was apparently no time nor a chance for James. That was what Marlene had briefly concluded of Lily’s thoughts.

“Maybe you should just talk to him and get to know him more, so you two could–”

“Oh God, no,” Lily cut Mary off. “It would be disastrous. And I am not getting involved with Potter—he’s a damn bully.”

Marlene listened with half an ear as Mary and Lily continued their conversation about a boy (which they had only a moment ago sworn not to do), but her attention was mainly focused on James. There was one thing she had been waiting to ask him for weeks now, but there had simply been no good moments for that. As James stood up alone from the table where he was sitting with Remus, Sirius, and Peter and went to return his dishes, Marlene got up too. She lied to her dormmates that she had to go to the library, but in reality, Marlene followed James to the kitchen and from there to a hallway empty besides them.

“Hey, James!” Marlene called out, making the taller Indian boy stop in his tracks and turn around to face her. He seemed a bit confused, but that ought to be expected; Marlene rarely talked to him.

“Erm, hey, McKinnon,” he greeted her awkwardly. James was—if Marlene was completely honest—one of the most attractive guys Marlene had ever laid her eyes on, but he was also one of the most clumsiest when it came to social interaction.

“I know this is kinda dumb, but..I was wondering if I could join practice sometime?” Marlene asked, swallowing down the lump of anxiety in her throat. The former team captain, Danny, had never liked Marlene enough to let her participate in the boys football training, but, since James was sort of her friend and a nice person, Marlene was hopeful.

“I guess you can,” James answered, scratching his head. “I just can’t assure you the rest of the team’s gonna be as chill as me, but you’re a good player, McKinnon, I'm sure they’ll end up liking you.”

“Really?”

James nodded, still looking a little confused, but also glad in some way. “It’s bullshit how the girls can't have a football team too.”

“Oh God, exactly what I've been saying!” Marlene exclaimed. “It’s so misogynistic, I can't believe McGonagall just lets it slide!”

“Yeah,” James agreed though Marlene was pretty sure he wasn't entirely on the map about what she was talking about.

“Well, I gotta go and finish my English homework,” Marlene announced, giving James a small smile.

“Yeah, obviously,” he laughed. “I think you could join today, in fact. We’ve got evening practice at seven.”

“Great!” Marlene said joyously, starting to walk towards the stairs that lead to the upper floors. “I'll see you this evening, Potter!”

“See ya, McKinnon!”

Marlene walked up the school stairs with a smile on her lips—which was extremely rare, since the school stairs seemed to be designed to wear students out before class, making them less eager to mess around. That didn't work though, some students always found a way to fool around.

***

“She’s a chick, Potter, what the fuck’s she doing here?”

“Seriously? We’re just supposed to play with her?”

“Well, she looks like a lad anyway—a lil boxy and lanky for a bird, ain’t she?”

Marlene shook her head silently as she tied the laces on her football shoes at the side of the field. The whole football team had gathered around James, clearly discussing Marlene's participation in their training. So far, she had heard a total of two guys being supportive of her: James, and the nicest boy ever, Benjy. Marlene tried not to give a single shit about, but it was getting real hard when so many of the guys were doubting her skill and strength, just because she happened to be a girl.

It was all misogynistic and sexist bullshit—Marlene hated that and she hated even more that probably none of the guys knew what misogynia meant. Even in the 70’s, it was so normalised to disparage women for just being alive, and Marlene loathed it. She couldn’t stand how the whole football team thought she was horrible at playing, just because of her gender. But whatever, Marlene would prove them wrong.

“Oi, I know you're suspicious of McKinnon, but for fuck’s sake, whats wrong with you lot?!” James’ voice rose above everyone else’s, and Marlene could feel her lips twitching into a smile as she tied her laces into a ribbon. “She’s good and she's not holding back; in other words, she’s heard you all and she's definitely gonna kick your ass, Mulciber!”

Marlene snorted. Mulciber was the one who had called her a guy earlier, but honestly, Marlene didn't care anymore. She had gotten that comment for years now, mostly because of her height, and more recently, because she still didn't like to wear much makeup. Mulciber was an arsehole, and Marlene felt ridiculously happy to see him look a little afraid, but what made her the happiest was how James had just stood up for her—he was not the bad guy Lily usually made him out to be.

Some new, more approving murmurs traveled between the boys, and Marlene stood up from the side of the field and walked up to the football team. James came along effortlessly jogging, and gave Marlene a wide grin revealing probably all of his teeth.

“I know you're good, McKinnon,” he said nudging her on the side. “You wanna prove it to ‘em ? I’ll help shove it up their arses.”

“Sounds perfect,” Marlene replied, smiling back at James as they walked up to the rest of the guys. Some of them were still staring at her with detesting looks, but some seemed genuinely interested in what Marlene had to offer to the game. She wasn't normally as confident as she was now, but if Marlene was good at something, it was football.

As a kid, when her family had moved from Poland to Nottingham, the first thing her big brothers—Tomasz and Demian—had picked up had been football. Marlene being only six, and her parents always being at work since they were an immigrant family, she had continuously hung out with her brothers and their new English friends on the football fields. For years Marlene had played alongside the boys from the city, learning new tricks and techniques whenever someone was willing to teach her.

It all had changed, though, when Demian had started college. He wasn’t around as much anymore and Tomasz hadn’t been as caring as his older brother. Therefore, Marlene had been forced to find her own way, which had been very difficult in the beginning. Of course she had continued hanging out with Tomasz and his friends, but a teenage girl playing football wasn’t as interesting to them as a nine or a ten year old kid had been. Some of Tomasz’s friends had really taken it over the line back then. Marlene remembered the days she hadn’t wanted to come out of her room, just because Tomasz had brought company back home with him.

Everything had changed all over again when her grandma, all the way back from Poland, had died. She had been rich, although it had been kept a secret until her death, and Marlene understood this very well now. With her grandma’s inheritance, Marlene's parents had decided two years ago that it was best for her to start at Hogwarts—a boarding school in Scotland with new friends, a new environment and lots of things to do. At the moment of the decision, Marlene had been heartbroken, even though she barely had any friends in Nottingham. She didn't like change. But now, Marlene couldn’t be any more happier that her parents had made the decision they had. She loved Hogwarts, and she loved her new friends and everything that came with them.

“Alright, team, we’ll start with the basic three rounds around the field!” James announced, making Marlene snap out of her thoughts.

The boys started jogging as a warm up around the football field, while Marlene decided to stay further back. She tried her best to concentrate on her breathing and running techniques, even when James took a place right next to her, matching his speed with hers.

“Why’re you so good at football anyway?” James asked, swinging his head into Marlene's direction.

She shrugged, shifting her gaze to her feet. “My brothers taught me when I was a child.”

“Tomasz, right?”

Marlene nodded a bit reluctantly. “Him and Damien.”

“How old are they?” James inquired, continuing a conversation Marlene wasn't very keen on.

“Damien’s 19 and Tomasz just turned 17,” she answered, evening her breathing. It had been a while since Marlene had jogged anywhere, let alone run, but she knew it would be fine the second the ball was in her control.

“So they didn't attend Hogwarts?”

“Nope. Regular college back in Nottingham.”

“Oh, that's right!” James exclaimed suddenly, making Marlene give him a weird look. “You live in Nottingham. It’s funny, y’know, since I live in Notting Hill.”

Marlene raised her eyebrows. “Not so funny. Notting Hill’s in London and Nottingham's close to Scotland.”

“Let me have my fun, wont you, McKinnon?” James grinned, taking over Marlene and running ahead of the team. After a while, he signaled that they had finished the three laps, but Marlene felt like she had flown through them.

“Okay, since we did lots of pass and defense training yesterday, plus attack training on the weekend, we’re having a practice game today!”

Marlene wasn't sure whether to be glad or not, but most of the guys replied joyfully to James, and a few even started dancing around in contentment. Perhaps it was for the best that she was thrown straight into the game, no preparation, no time to stress.

“I'll make teams!” James yelled, pulling out red and blue ribbons. “If I give you a blue ribbon, go to the other end of the field. If I give you a red one, you stay here!”

James started going through the boys one by one, handing them ribbons in an order which seemed to be thought of before. When it was Marlene's turn, James handed her a red ribbon, leaving himself with the last one which was also red. There was no doubt he had done that on purpose, but Marlene wasn't upset. Being on the same team as James meant she had better chances to show everybody what she was capable of.

Marlene walked closely behind James to join the rest of the guys who also received a red ribbon. There was Benjy, a couple of year 10’s Marlene didn't know, Lestrade, Avery, and one of Mary’s late boyfriends whom Marlene assumed to be Richie. They started discussing the positions and style they would approach the other team with, but Marlene didn't dare join the conversation. She just listened to them carefully, internalising every single word. James suggested Marlene play middle field, which she was very pleased with.

As both of the teams were finished with their game plan, they got into positions. James blew into his whistle to signal the starting kick, which belonged to the blue team. First was a bulky Year 13 boy, followed by Mulciber, then Crouch and finally Whitford from whom Benjy took the ball quite effortlessly. He started moving towards the opponent’s goal, passing the ball to James. The team captain made a run, moving past the defense of the blue team as if it wasn't even a challenge, and kicked the ball straight into the left upper corner of the goal. Everyone cheered, including Marlene who hadn’t even touched the ball yet, but she knew her chance would come.

The game continued, the ball bouncing between teams and players for almost 20 minutes before the opposing team even made a goal. Marlene had gotten a few touches so far, but when James passed the ball straight to her before Barty Crouch could tackle him, she nearly froze. For a moment Marlene looked around like a deer in headlights, until her mind was screaming, ‘Make a goal! Make a goal!’.

As her coordination returned, Marlene dodged some year 12 and ran towards the goal with the ball in her possession, making everybody on team red cheer for her.

“Let’s go, McKinnon!”

“Go, go, go, kick their arses!”

“Cʼmon, girl!”

A small smile rose upon Marlene's face as she passed the ball to Benjy, before Mulciber was able to steal it from her. Marlene kept running, green grass flashing before her eyes, the cheering still humming in her head. She was now closing in on the goal, not a single thing except a goalkeeper standing between her and a scored point. Though there was one more thing: Marlene did not have the ball. Luckily that issue was solved the moment she turned her head around—Benjy who had slalomed through the defense, passed the ball back to her, screaming then after her: “Make the goal, McKinnon!”

It all happened so fast; the rush in Marlene's veins, Damien’s voice in her head telling her exactly what to do, her quick movements toward the opponents’ goal. Marlene ran with the ball in her possession, kicking it with everything she had, straight into the upper right corner, where the blue team’s goalkeeper had least expected it. The net wavered backwards. The ball was in the goal.

“Good job, Marls!”

“Dude, that was a perfect roundhouse!”

“Blimey, McKinnon!”

James ran up to Marlene, giving her a pat on shoulder, a wide grin covering his face. “If I could have you on my team full time, I totally would.”

Marlene didn't know what else to do, so she just smile. Her smile widened when her team came to congratulate her shortly after. She smiled again when the game continued, as more passes were directed to her. And her smile slowly turned into laughter, when her team won the whole game, Marlene scoring another goal and Lestrade not letting a single shot into their own net.

As the boys started gathering in the middle of field, Marlene looked over to the stands, the first time that evening. She would have recognised Sirius, Remus and Peter anywhere—Sirius was swinging his hands around in the air, clearly still cheering on Marlene and James. Remus was sitting beside him, leaning back on the bench behind him, and Peter was watching with concentration, even though the game had already ended. Marlene raised her hand and waved at the three boys, making them all wave back at her. Even Remus, albeit she guessed it was more of a shrug.

Marlene was happy.

***

Marlene was not happy at all.

Just minutes ago she had been packing up her things from the side of the football field, under a beautiful sunset, giving the whole football team advice on how to do a perfect roundhouse. Now, she was standing outside her dorm, listening to a screaming match going on behind the door. It sounded like Lily versus Mary, not Lily and Mary versus somebody else, so Marlene wasn't very excited for the near future. She couldn’t turn back around though, it was getting late and she definitely needed to shower. She was also longing for the good night’s sleep she would get tonight—that was, if Lily and Mary wouldn’t blow the whole dorm up.

With a deep regretful breath, Marlene reached for the door knob, and turned it to open the door. Immediate lamentation rushed into her head as the voices became clearer, and Marlene saw her friends standing on opposite sides of the room, irritated looks on both of their faces.

“You can't bring your useless boyfriends over when I'm studying, Mary! Don't you get it?!”

“Oh my God, why can't you go to the library to study like everyone else?! It's not like I can go snog a boy in the library—Pince would have my arse for that!”

“Maybe ‘cause it's my room too! Have you even thought about not dating boys every bloody second?!”

When Marlene closed the door behind her, dropping her football shoes onto the floor, both girls turned to look at her. She did not want to get involved in another argument, but it seemed to be unavoidable.

“Where the hell have you been, Marls?” Lily asked, sounding more like a mother rather than a friend.

“Football,” Marlene replied with a murmur as low as she could, trying not to attract any attention.

“Football?” Mary sounded confused, tilting her head. “You mean like watching football? Or… Wait, why’ve you got those shoes there?”

Mary pointed at the shoes Marlene had dropped onto the floor seconds ago, making Lily notice them too. Both of them looked confused, and Marlene would really have liked to have the ability to vanish at the moment.

“Why were you playing football? There's practice today anyway so why would you– Oh good God, you joined Potter’s practice didn't you?!” Suddenly Lily was attacking Marlene with questions, and she didn't know what to do. Could Lily actually be so angry about her playing with James? If yes, that was fucking ridiculous, and mind you, Marlene rarely used curse words, even in her thoughts.

“So what if I was?”

“Are you trying to hit on James, Marls?”

The question slipped from Mary so quickly and unexpected that Marlene nearly tripped over her feet albeit she wasn't moving in any direction. “What?!”

Mary shrugged. “Well, are you? If you're playing with him and–”

“God no! Why’re you even asking me that?”

“Dunno, just observing.”

“Oh, so you can observe Marlene but not me, right?!” Lily went at it again, making Marlene roll her eyes and storming past her dormmates fastly, locking herself into the bathroom with quick movements. Seemed like the two of them didn't even note her disappearance, which Marlene guessed was a good thing.

“Gosh, Lily, when did I say that?! Why are you so bitter about her playing with James anyway? Do you have a thing for him and are too afraid to admit it?”

“When did I say that?! I'm trying to make a bloody point here, Mary, and all you can do is talk about boys! If you just listened to me for a moment so I could…”

Marlene stopped listening after a while, pressing her hands on the sink and leaning forward, slowly lifting her glance into the bathroom mirror. She was still a bit red and sweaty, her hair all messed up from the ponytail that had slowly dissolved into a huge nest of blonde hair. Marlene looked as tired as she felt, her legs like slimy jelly, and so she decided to sit on the toilet seat lid, resting her head on her hands.

Marlene hated how Lily and Mary couldn’t just bury their anger and actually like each other for a good while. Obviously, they loved one another, but everything was always so complicated with them. Lily couldn’t stand Mary and her boyfriends, while Mary couldn’t stand Lily’s constant studying and her need to be the cleverest in every room she stepped into. Marlene guessed she understood both sides, but at the same time she understood neither. She didn’t get why it was always a competition or an argument. Why couldn’t they simply approve of each other, and talk things out like normal people? Why did they always need to be so bloody difficult?

The constant irritation and snickering only reminded Marlene of home, which brought her both negative and positive feelings. It was hard—going to a boarding school and spending three-fourths of the year there—but somehow it was quite an enjoyable experience for Marlene. Back in Nottingham, after Damien had moved out somewhere near London with his girlfriend Jenny, everything had gone downhill. Tomasz had become more spiteful and resistant of Marlene; it didn't matter how close they had once been, he didn't like her at all nowadays. Marlene could feel the burning loathing on her skin when Tomasz was watching her back at home. She was pretty certain her brother’s hatred had started with their grandma’s death because Marlene had basically been the only one to inherit anything—all the money had gone to paying off Hogwarts school fees. She wasn't sorry about that, though.

And Tomasz wasn't the worst by any measure—there were always Marlene's parents. No, they weren't hateful people, nor were they cruel to her. In fact, they were the perfect parents, caring more about their kids than themselves, handling everything from finances to hobbies and interests. The arguing was the down side. Petty arguments and picking on each other were things Marlene's parents would probably never stop. It wasn't even about big things like money or relationship problems, but stuff like who forgot to lock the door for the night or why Marlene's mum was in a bad mood. It was exhausting, listening to total, made-up bullshit.

To make it worse, it all somehow led back to religion. Marlene wasn't even sure how that was possible, but once the quarreling got bad, her parents would usually start quoting bible verses at each other, sometimes even at her and Tomasz. It was all John 10:10 and Matthew 28:19, until they ran out of things to quote. Both of Marlene's parents had grown up in Poland, and barely spoke English, despite living here for nearly ten years now. Everything was in Polish, just like the Catholic Christianity they had brought from Poland to Nottingham and passed on to all their kids. Demian had slowly grown out of the religion, but Tomasz hadn’t. He believed, and he wasn't discreet about it either.

Marlene wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about Christianity and religion. Sometimes she prayed, but it was only when she needed something really badly, which made her feel extremely guilty. Could she possibly be using religion wrongly, taking advantage of it, and misunderstanding its other aspects? Marlene felt like a liar everytime she was talking to God, asking or pleading him for something, not giving anything in return. Perhaps she was an ungrateful deceiver, exploiting religion in all the wrong ways.

A Liar she was, at least—nobody knew Marlene inside out, and that was fine with her. Mostly because there was Marlene, and then there was Marlena Katarzyna. Two completely different personas in one body.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, October 1st, 1975

Sirius had never in his life heard anything as horrifying as Bruce Mulciber trying to play guitar. He was grimacing as the bulky, dark haired muppet from House Gellert was swinging his right hand across the strings, placing the fingers of his other hand all wrong, hitting some nonexistent chords that sounded really bad. Sirius cheered internally as Mulciber stopped playing the instrument and stepped aside to sit back in his place. Mr. Hearst was an honest man, but Sirius could see in his eyes that he did not want to criticise Mulciber further—he just nodded at him without looking too overjoyed.

Music classes so far this year had been mostly theory, but today had been a guitar class, which meant everybody was playing a certain part of a song, each taking turns. In this case, the song was ‘Here Comes The Sun’ by The Beatles. Of course, everybody else got to do something else while one student played during their turn, but as Sirius didn't have anything better to do, he had decided to judge all of his classmates’ guitar skills. None had been very remarkable, which didn't particularly surprise him. Most people who took music were only there because they didn't want to take anything else, or because they had heard one Beatles album and thought it would be cool to play like them. Turns out, nobody in the class could play guitar like George Harrison.

“Alright, everybody, it's time for you to get to lunch! Nice playing today, I'm looking forward to our next class!” Mr. Hearst announced, standing at the front of the classroom. “Remember to do some theory homework!”

Homework in music was so useless, Sirius couldn’t possibly find words to express it.

The students started flowing out of the room slowly, but Sirius was glued to his seat. Well, he wasn't actually, he just wanted to chat with Hearst some more—he was one of the few teachers at Hogwarts who could make students feel entirely comfortable. The classroom may have been a part of the comfort, since Hearst had decorated it to be cosy and lively; there were numerous posters of different artists and bands, like The Bee Gees, Elvis Presley and T.Rex. The instruments weren't perfect, and although there were classic desks and chairs, there was also a sofa area off to the side of the room. And best of all, the front of the classroom had been made into a stage. It didn't actually look like one, but it was used as one.

“Not hungry, Mr. Black?”

Sirius raised his eyes to Mr. Hearst, who took a seat next to him, a questioning look on his face. Sirius replied with a wide grin. “No, I'm very much starving.”

Hearst laughed, like he usually did, when Sirius cracked a really bad joke in the middle of class. “Starving for food, or for something else?”

“Oh, starving for music obviously.”

“Aren’t we all?” Hearst winked at Sirius, leaning forward on his chair. He wasn't an old man—Sirius couldn’t say for sure, but he was thinking somewhere around 35. Hearst didn't have that rockstar look, though he possessed part of the personality—his light hair was neatly pulled back, he wore glasses that were almost identical to James’, and he was dressed in a button up shirt and brown trousers most days.

“Do you have a new album I could borrow?” Sirius asked. He was always hopeful of what Hearst had in his storage, since he collected albums and always had brand-new releases.

“I have the Donna Summer one, she published it in August.”

“Not Summer, I've heard enough of her music!” Sirius groaned, whilst Hearst chuckled at the reaction. Mary was always blabbing about Donna Summer, but Sirius couldn’t bear to listen to that of kind music. He didn't get it.

“Okay, that was a joke, but I do have ‘Wish You Were Here’,” Hearst told Sirius, making the younger boy visibly excited.

“You do?”

“Positive.”

At that, Hearst stood up from his chair, walked up to his drawers, and after a moment pulled out the new Pink Floyd album Sirius really wanted to listen to. Andy had promised to send it as a birthday gift, but he didn't hold her to that one since she and Ted were apparently bankrupt. Sirius couldn’t help but stare at the album cover shamelessly, admiring it as Hearst came back to his place, laying the album down on Sirius’ desk.

“Tell you what, Mr. Black,” Hearst began, catching Sirius’ attention, “you get that album for a week if you play me the Beatles verse like everybody else did.”

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows. “Are you serious?”

“Indeed, I am,” Hearst replied, shooting a daring smile to the black haired boy.

“Great deal, prof!” Sirius exclaimed, standing up from his chair, and walking up to the front of the class. He took the school’s—or Hearst’s, as he had assumed the whole time—guitar and sat on the foremost chair, placing the instrument on his lap.

The guitar was a Gibson, not too shabby and very impressive looking. Sirius tested the strings before he started playing, twisting the E a little, since it was a bit out of tune. He swept his hand over the black guitar, wondering how Hearst had the heart to have his guitar on display for everybody.

“It’s your guitar, right?” Sirius asked, before he started playing. He didn't really need the sheet, ‘Here Comes The Sun’ was one of the first songs Sirius had practiced on his own guitar as a 13 year old boy, too excited to even function with the instrument in his hands.

“Yes it is, Mr. Black,” Hearst answered, smiling heartily at him. “How did you detect that?”

“The school would’ve never known to get a guitar this fine.”

“Smart thinking,” Hearst said, leaning forward on his chair. It felt like Sirius was the teacher at the given moment and Hearst was an eager student, ready to listen to him. “Well, let's hear it, my golden student.”

Sirius breathed in, giving one last look into Hearst’s direction, who was now looking at him very expectantly. Since his first day, Sirius had made sure everybody knew what a great guitar player he was— shamelessly bragging about it. As Sirius lifted his hands to set the fingers of his left hand onto the right spot and his right hand on the strings, he could feel a smile coming in. It felt like just yesterday, that Sirius played the most popular Beatles song for the first time, he could remember every chord and word, but now he was simply concentrating on playing good.

String by string Sirius built the intro together, his mind immediately relaxing. There was one thing Sirius felt when he was playing music, and it was peace. Moreover there was one way more essential thing he felt when playing or listening to music—alive. Sirius’ biggest wish was that one day he would be able to play music on a huge stage and feel so fucking alive that nothing was stopping him anymore; he could throw all of his senses into the furthest corner of earth and simply play. Play, play and play until he was drowning in the music, not able to breathe and keep living like he was right now. Sirius wanted to play his guitar until he was wild and free.

“Here comes the sun, doo, dun, doo, doo
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right”

Sirius started singing. He had a great voice, and he wasn’t ashamed of it anymore, though there was a time he had been.

“Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here”

The words were just sort of coming out of Sirius’ mouth, and his fingers were playing at the right pace, hitting all the chords. His smile grew bigger, and his voice got louder, the room echoing his own words back to him. It felt amazing to get to live in the rhythm, go on with the beat and imagine a different life in the lyrics of the music.

Without even noticing, Sirius paved through the whole song, albeit he had only been supposed to play the first verse. He didn't mind though, this song was something that Sirius had needed, and it seemed like he wasn't the only one enjoying The Beatles—Hearst had a wide smile on his face and he was reposing his head on his hands. Sirius didn't know what to think about the admiring look on his music teacher’s face, but it felt quite nice to note someone appreciating.

“You play beautiful,” Hearst started, after a moment of silence, “but, you sing even more beautifully.”

Sirius had to lower his gaze to the guitar. He was embarrassed by how happy Hearst’s words made him feel. “Thanks.”

Hearst’s voice sounded a little funny when he started talking—Sirius was quite sure it was because of his embarrassed reaction. “Didn’t you play the cello too, or was that something I misheard years ago?”

Sirius had to bite his lips, so he didn't look like someone had just hit him on the head with a hard concrete brick. Of course, he thought in his mind, it was only a matter of time for that to be brought up. It was extremely difficult for Sirius to ever let go of his past, since it was apparently following him everywhere.

“Yes, played. Past tense,” Sirius replied, raising his eyes to look at Hearst this time.

It seemed like something clicked for Hearst. “Well, we’ve all got a more or less regretful past regarding music, don't we? I used to play clarinet—not my best years, I shall say.”

“You used to play the clarinet?” Sirius asked with amusement. He couldn’t imagine his music teacher playing the wind instrument at all.

“Yes, I did,” Hearst confirmed, standing up from his seat. “But, I’d rather not talk about it, and, since I only asked you to play the song for the album, I think, It’s only time I give it to you.”

Sirius watched as Hearst walked up to the table he had left the album on and picked it up, handing it to him. Sirius took the album from Hearst as he handed it over and looked at the cover one more time. There were two men dressed in suits shaking hands, but one of them was on fire.

“Thank you,” Sirius said, lifting the guitar off of his lap and putting it back in its place.

“You're welcome, Mr. Black,” Hearst replied, but something felt off.

“Could you… Could you just call me Sirius?”

Once again, a smile grew onto Hearst’s face. “Of course I can.”

“Great,” Sirius nodded, happiness wallowing inside of him. He couldn’t wait to listen to the Pink Floyd album for the first time, and he couldn’t wait to show it to Remus.

“I'll see you next class, Sirius,” Hearst said, leaning onto the table behind him, as Sirius slowly started walking out of the classroom, fixing the bag on his shoulder, which he had just picked up.

“See ya, Hearst!”

Just like that, Sirius left the music classroom once again, a wide smile covering his face. It was getting frequential by now—him and Hearst having a nice, short conversation and Hearst lending Sirius an album he hadn’t heard before. Sometimes, like today, Hearst asked Sirius to play something. He was one of the people Sirius would play to willingly. Piano had been a hard one though—Hearst had asked Sirius to play something classical last spring on the piano and he had frozen so badly. Still, Sirius had played Beethoven and managed to keep himself calm through the entire song. Hearst had applauded like a proud father, and that had made Sirius miserable, but ecstatic at the same time.

Music was a complicated thing for him, though that wasn't how it seemed to anyone else around Sirius. He had grown up surrounded by canonic music, with cello and piano lessons everyday, until he had been too tired to even move his hands at small concerts held for wealthy families. Nowadays, it all was different. Obviously, there was no escaping 12 Grimmauld Place and the way it haunted him. But, everything had changed, when 12-years-old Sirius had heard some Year 13 play ‘Led Zeppelin IV’ on his record player in the House Nicolas common room. It had been a snowy winter day, with everyone gathered inside, when some older kid had taken out his record player to lighten up the mood. The moment Sirius had heard ‘Stairway to Heaven’, he could’ve sworn God himself had walked into his presence. That was how heavenly it had felt.

Led Zeppelin had altered Sirius’ brain chemistry that day, making him fall in love with rock music and the fun of life. Next year, when Sirius’ birthday had come up, Andy had gifted him his still, well loved electric guitar and the first albums of his collection: ‘Exile On Main Street’, ‘Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars’ and ‘Led Zeppelin IV’ of course. From that day on, Sirius hadn’t dreamt of anything else as much as being a rockstar one day. He wouldn't fulfill his mother's wishes, become a decent man and play the cello in Vienna Music Society—he would become a leather jacket and eyeliner wearing, rebelling rockstar.

Sirius didn't accept any other future for himself. He wanted to disappoint his whole family tree and live in the world of his dreams.

***

Thursday, October 2nd, 1975

McGonagall was looking at Sirius, like he was a criminal. Hell, it was just detention and he felt like it was a murder investigation interrogation. Besides, it wasn't like Sirius had done something he hadn’t before—who cared about not turning in homework the day it was due and speaking over the teacher? On top of that, Sirius had already promised McGonagall he would turn in his homework next Friday, but he guessed she wasn't a big fan of the idea, since they were already sitting in her classroom, at eight o’clock in the evening.

To make it worse, Sirius wasn't the only person in the room. His dear little brother’s two absolute menace of friends had found their way there too—Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier were sitting behind Sirius, apparently for humiliating a girl from their year publicly, which Sirius didn't doubt for a second was true. He couldn’t understand at all, why Regulus was hanging out with them. Sirius supposed they shared a dorm, but that didn't automatically make them best mates. Regulus could’ve chosen a better crowd to tag along with.

“Oi, Black!” Barty Crouch’s voice reached Sirius’ hearing, as he turned around a bit confused and pissed off, only to get hit by a paper ball, tossed to the back of his head by Evan Rosier.

“What the fuck do you want, Crouch?” Sirius hissed, picking up the paper ball from the ground and considering throwing it back at the two House Gellert boys.

“Boys!” McGonagall interrupted from behind her desk. “No talking during your detention, and no such words allowed in my class, Mr. Black.”

Sirius turned around on his desk, giving a very factitious smile at the English teacher and also, the head of his house. Minerva McGonagall was a strict woman, probably in her mid 40s, but nobody had ever dared to ask her, since the fear of getting killed had been bigger than the need to know McGonagall’s age. She truly could be a scary woman, but it wasn't anything Sirius hadn’t seen before. And his mother was totally scarier—nothing could ever beat that woman at it.

As Sirius was about to drift back into the sea of his own useless thoughts, he noticed the paper ball Rosier had thrown at him contained a drawing, or some writing inside of it. The pen marks that could be seen on the other side of the paper confirmed it to him, and Sirius slowly unwrapped it, trying to avoid McGonagall’s attention coming back to him. The handwriting was so bad, that Sirius had to read the text on the paper at least four times before he understood the meaning of the note.

All that attitude, and still no band. Pathetic prick, aren't you, Black?

Bloody Barty Crouch, Sirius cursed at the younger boy in his head, but he didn't want to get in any more trouble than he already had (a rare occasion) so, he stayed quiet. Sirius simply stared at the piece of paper, anger buzzing in his mind and annoyance towards Regulus with his arsehole friends growing rapidly. Sirius just knew that the note was written by Crouch—nobody else had that shitty handwriting. Well, except Remus, but that didn't count, because it wasn't nearly as illegible as Crouch’s. He couldn’t even write ‘band’ properly. It looked like it read ‘auha’ which wasn't a word, in any language to Sirius’ knowledge. Band was probably one of the easiest words to scribble on the paper, but–

Band.

“Oh my god, fucking bloody hell!”

Sirius slapped both of his hands in front of his mouth, realising what he had just let slip out, but the excitement took over and he had traveled to the classroom entrance in a matter of seconds.

“What are you doing, Mr. Black?” McGonagall demanded, a frustrated nuance in her voice. “And no such vulgar words in this classroom, as I said before!”

Sirius turned to look at the head of House Nicolas, eyes wide open, his mouth curved into a big grin. “Excuse me, professor, this is a matter of life and death!”

At that, Sirius opened the door and started practically running out of the classroom, hearing how McGonagall yelled something after him, while Crouch and Rosier started talking confusedly.

“I’m sorry, Minnie, I love you, but this matter needs my supervision right now, more than the Queen of England ever will!” Sirius shouted behind him, as he ran through the second floor hallway, trying desperately to find stairs, so he could continue his journey to the fourth floor.

Sirius got some very disapproving and questioning looks from other students and a few shouts to slow down from teachers, but he couldn’t have possibly cared less. He ran through the Hogwarts hallways like they were the last 200 metres of a marathon and he was about to win the whole thing. It didn't even darken Sirius’ mood at all that McGonagall would most definitely give him extra detention for that dramatic departure. He was too excited and eager to care about such things. He had got the best whim of his life, just seconds ago and it couldn’t possibly wait. Sirius was a fucking genius, and he was about to prove it to everybody. He was a fucking genius!

As Sirius reached the House Nicolas entrance, he nearly tripped over some Year 9 girl, who gave him a look so dirty, it would have killed him if looks were lethal. Sirius was too exhilarated to care about that; he stumbled through the common room, filled with chattering boys and made his way up the stairs to the dorms. Sirius ran the last of his journey, making the floor beneath him clop. He almost tripped over his own feet as he stopped at the 11A dorm, and opened the door so fastly it practically flew open.

“Band!” Sirius yelled, raising both of his arms in the air and pushing himself into the dorm, the door left open behind him.

For a moment there was no reply, just three exceptionally confused pairs of eyes staring at him.

“Shouldn't you be in detention?” Remus asked from his bed, a weirded out expression covering his face.

Sirius didn't answer—he probably should have, but that was a lost thing now. McGonagall would never take him back to that classroom after that show, even if he begged.

“Have you taken something, er… stronger perhaps, Pads?” James asked in turn, sitting up from the floor.

“James, what the fuck?!”

“What?! It's not like that isn’t a possibility.”

“Well,” Sirius started, giving James a judgmental look, “I am not on anything right now, thank you for your concern.”

“Okay, if you're not on drugs then you must be on some–”

“Alright, Pete, stop right there,” Remus sighed, shutting the book he had on his hands and giving Peter, who was also sitting on his own bed, a pointed look. “Sirius, close the door and explain what the hell you're on—not the drug thing, just the thing.”

Sirius did as Remus had ordered. He went back to close the dorm door and walked back to the spot he had stood just seconds ago at. Remus was looking at him incessantly, Peter seemed rather bedazzled and James was still sitting on the floor, clearly trying to understand what was happening.

“So,” Sirius began, “I’m just saying: a band.”

He went quiet but so did the others. The staring didn't stop.

“Mate, will you fucking explain?” James asked, sounding quite annoyed. “We can't all be some magical mind readers!”

“Okay, okay, okay, I'm trying!” Sirius groaned in frustration, gesturing with his hands. “It’s just that– Well, y’know, I was in detention and there was also Crouch and Rosier–”

“Your brother’s friends?” James asked, tilting his head.

“Yes, Prongs, my brother’s friends,” Sirius scoffed. “Who else? Can I continue?”

“Yes, please, continue,” Remus said desperately, definitely trying to get James to not interrupt Sirius anymore.

“Alright, so where was I? Yes, detention—so Crouch and Rosier were there too, and Rosier threw this note—or I guess it was a paper ball at the time—and there was this text… Oh shit, I forgot what the text said, but anyway, it was this very rude, discourteous but inspiring text that got me thinking: band.”

The dorm had fallen into deep silence and all eyes were locked to Sirius. Remus had a very neutral expression on his face, but Peter seemed like he didn't even know what ‘band’ meant and James was the most confused out of everyone. He was staring at Sirius, mouth wide open and eyebrows furrowed, looking like a bloody idiot.

“Band? As in a music band—as in Queen?” Remus inquired finally, breaking the thickened tranquility of the room.

“Yes, exactly!” Sirius got excited again, running to his bed and pulling out his guitar case from under it. “Look, I have a guitar and I'm fucking amazing, right? I can also sing, but that’s just another plus side.”

Peter sighed heavily. “Yes, we know you have a guitar and you can sing, but we’re not a band, mate. None of us can bloody play!”

“Okay, okay,” Sirius repeated, his voice as low as a quiet mutter. “Good point, Pete, but that wasn't the point.”

“Well, could you maybe get to the point then?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

Sirius nodded to himself and laid the guitar case down on his bed sheets. A band. “My point is, that you can learn to play.”

A silence was followed by that again, and Sirius could feel the strange looks Peter and Remus were aiming in his direction. James looked as clueless as a moment ago.

“You cannot be serious right now,” Peter said, a somewhat concerned look on his face.

“Oh, I'm always Sir–”

“No, absolutely not that terrible joke again,” Remus cut in, shaking his head. “What the fuck do you mean with ‘you can learn’? You mean you want us to be a bloody band, Padfoot? How d’you think that's gonna turn out when you're the only one, that can play anything?”

Sirius exhaled loudly. “Look, that's not true–”

“Yes, it is.”

“Wormtail, do not interrupt me. Your nickname is literally Wormtail.”

“Okay, why are you–”

“Where was I again?” Sirius asked himself, going back to the conversation he had been about to have seconds ago. “Ah, yes, it's definitely not that you lot can't play, because let me tell you: music isn’t all about playing certain instruments perfectly. It’s group chemistry, it's art, it’s free and it's all about knowing each other and aligning into those lines!”

Sirius felt the rush come back into his veins instantly, as he started explaining his vision.

“So you wanna drag us all into your rockstar fantasy, because you need a band, and we happen to already have good group chemistry, or whatever?” Peter mocked, looking irritated.

“No,” sighed Sirius. “That's definitely not what I’m saying. Look, we all love music, right?”

Peter and Remus both nodded, Peter looking more skeptical. James was still simply staring, mouth wide open, his eyes all strange and empty.

“Yes, and music is what?”

At that Remus straightened his posture, his lips slowly curling upwards. “Music is chaos—it’s our own creation, it's meant to be a reflection.”

“Okay, whatever this philosophical bullshit you two clearly get is about, I'm not doing it and I'm definitely not–”

Peter was about to stand up from his bed, but Sirius put his arm as a roadblock in front of the shorter boy. “Yes you are, Wormy, want it or not.”

Peter sat back down, looking more surly than before, but Sirius didn't let it bother him. “We need excitement in life, right? Now we get it from pranks and stuff, if you really think why we do it, you’ll get it. Anyway, music could be a replacement for all the pranks—or not a replacement, just a completely new thing! We could cause chaos and whatever else we like—we could conquer the whole world, if we wanted to!”

Remus had an understanding expression now. “You want a band, and you want it to be us, and you think we all need the chaos of music in our lives?”

“Yes, exactly!” Sirius beamed. “Together we could be– We could be better than the fucking Beatles!”

“No we couldn’t, but dreams can be dreams.”

“Oi, shut up, Moony! I know you've learned all the important guitar chords when you've been watching me play! And Wormy, I know your sister is a genius in music and–”

“I am not my bloody sister!”

“Yeah, sorry, I think I hit a nerve.” Sirius gritted his teeth, thoughts running in a circle through his head. “Anyway, I'll bet you could be a damn shocking bass player, and Prongs, dear God, you’re always drumming on the table with your hands or the floor with your feet when we listen to music! Drums aren't so different from that.”

As Sirius mentioned James so concretically, it seemed like he finally snapped out of the trance he had been in for several minutes now. James looked almost bewildered, simply gawking at his best friend, face so unreadable Sirius couldn’t detect an opinion from it, until of course, James surprised everyone.

“A fucking band! I love you, Pads!” James shouted so loud, it probably echoed all the way back to London to his parents’ house. He stood up from the floor, tackling Sirius onto the bed and hugging him so tight Sirius was sure, this would be the end of it.

“Geez, Prongs,” Sirius coughed from under James. “Are you really this happy about my idea?”

“We’re a bloody band, lads, that's what it is!”

Sirius tried his best to get James off of him, but it turned out to be incredibly difficult, since James’ enthusiasm had risen through the roof and he was hugging Sirius like it was their last day alive. Sirius had absolutely no idea, why he was suddenly so keen on the idea.

“James, have you gone mad?” Peter asked, his voice irritated. It made James stop moving for a while, which made it possible for Sirius to break free from James’ body trap. “That's the stupidest idea Sirius has had for a while! Why are you so bloody eager?”

Sirius was truly hurt by Peter’s words, but he didn't say anything—just eyed the sandy haired boy angrily. His idea of a band formed by the four of them had not been the worst he had ever had. In fact, it had been one of the best, and Peter was probably missing half of his brain cells, because he wasn't able to fathom that.

“Pete, It’s great! Look, we’re like a perfect band—I mean, not yet, but if we tried to be! And maybe that way, I could finally get Lily’s attention and–”

“Wait,” Sirius cut in, making James stop mid sentence, “you only think It’s a brilliant idea ‘cause you think Lily’s gonna warm up to you when you’re part of a band?”

James seemed puzzled. “I didn't say that. It’s just that– I don't know.”

Sirius clicked his tongue. “Great. You don’t know, Peter thinks it’s a terrible thing. What about you, Moony?”

Remus looked alarmed as Sirius targeted the question at him, but he tried to play it cool, not favouring either side of the discussion. “I love music, I think It’s nice, but to be honest, it is a bit unrealistic.”

“Gosh, since when have we cared about being realistic!” Sirius groaned

Three pairs of eyes stared right through him again, this time each had a different emotion. Peter looked annoyed, James guilty and Remus… Sirius wasn't quite sure, but he thought Remus seemed rather encouraging.

“Alright, we’re obviously a bit conflicted here,” Remus began by stating. “I've got a proposition, which includes Peter calming down, James trying to think about something else than Lily and Sirius going back to McGonagall’s class and apolo–”

“I am so not going back there and apo–”

“Going back to apologise and find the note Rosier threw at you,” Remus raised his voice over Sirius’, making sure everybody had heard what he said.

Sirius threw an unpleasant look at the taller boy, but didn't dare to protest.

“Are we all clear on this?” Remus asked then, getting three silent nods in response.

At that the whole dorm went silent, which was truly a rare occasion. Peter stood up from his bed and slowly exited the room—he most definitely went to see Camila. James stood up too, but he just went into the kitchen. The next thing Sirius heard was the sound of the fridge door opening, so he assumed James was making a snack for himself. Sirius and Remus were left alone in the sojourn space of the dorm, but neither of them said a word. Remus went back to reading the book he had been holding, and Sirius stared out of the dorm window for a while, before he picked up some magazine from the floor that probably belonged to James.

He flipped through the pages, not even reading the text, but just for the fun of it. Sirius wouldn't go back to McGonagall’s class and apologise, at least not today. And he had thought the whole band thing through already—it was a great suggestion, and his friends were too blind to see that. Peter, maybe if he was more enthusiastic, would be a great bassist and James would be an even greater drummer; both of them had that look to them, but Sirius couldn’t quite explain it. And Remus, he was always watching Sirius play and he was good at everything he did. Sirius had no doubt in his mind, whether he and his friends could form a magnificent, working band. They all would just have to be more compassionate about it, ready to put in some effort.

Sirius was dreaming again, and he simply hoped his friends would one day dream about the same thing.

***

Friday, October 3rd, 1975

The morning had been particularly slow—Sirius hadn’t woken up until eight o’clock, even though James had apparently been rampaging in the dorm since six. The only reason Sirius was awake now was because Remus had shaken him out of the deep sleep he had slipped into, but it didn't really matter since their first class would start only in an hour or so. Peter and James had chemistry first thing in the morning, but Remus had a free period. He was being strangely kind today, and Sirius didn't know what to think of it. Remus had brought breakfast from the Great hall to the dorm for himself and Sirius, and now they were eating some scrambled eggs and toast on the windowsill together, listening to T.Rex.

“I could’ve loved you, girl, like a planet
I could’ve chained your heart to a star”

Sirius took a big bite out of his marmalade-covered toast, internally puking from the sweetness of it. He would normally never eat marmalade, but since Remus had made the toast, Sirius had no room to complain. Everybody knew Remus was secretly married to sugar, and their relationship was more meaningful than anyone else’s on this planet.

“You hate it, don’t you?”

Sirius raised his gaze to Remus, who was looking at him with a nuance of amusement in his eyes. The brown haired boy was sitting lazily on the window sill, breathing in the fresh, cold autumn air from the cracked window and facing Sirius.

“Yeah, it's fucking disgusting,” Sirius admitted, but still continued eating the toast. He didn't have the heart to throw it away, though he was pretty sure Remus would have eaten it from the rubbish bin. He had an endless hunger, and Sirius wondered, how the hell that even worked.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Remus said, scraping the last of his scrambled eggs from the plate and setting it down onto the bed that was the closest one to the window.

“At least I got breakfast in bed,” Sirius stated, smiling at Remus.

“Yeah, I guess that's something.”

A silence fell between them, and Remus pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a silver lighter from his pockets. He lit up a fag between his lips, inhaling the smoke and blowing it out through his nose before he offered Sirius a drag. They were used to sharing cigarettes by now—that was a habit caused by the fact that Sirius wouldn’t have his own cigarettes before he moved out of 12 Grimmauld Place. Good thing, that he succeeded at climbing out of the window in his room which was on the fourth floor, let alone getting through the gates of the mansion. Sirius had made it out the gates, one singular time, two summers ago. He had stolen money from some poor old lady and gone to buy some liquor. Then he had gotten extremely drunk, walked straight back home with nothing on his mind and got caught by his mother. That had been followed by a week of emotional torture and a scar on his ankle.

“Moony?” Sirius asked, getting Remus to pay attention to him. “Can I ask you something?”

T.Rex was still playing in the background.

“I could’ve turned you into a priestess
I could’ve burned your fate in the sand
But it really doesn't matter at all”

“Yeah, of course.”

Sirius swallowed all the saliva that had gathered into his mouth, before opening it. “Do you think my idea of the band yesterday was stupid and all that shit Peter said?”

Remus took another drag out of the fag, handing it over to Sirius again. He looked thoughtful, but not resistant to what Sirius had just asked. “No, it wasn't stupid. Or maybe a little, but who cares?”

Sirius tried to do a smoke ring, but he failed quite spectacularly. “Do you think, it could become real?”

“Are you seriously asking me?” Remus chuckled, making Sirius look at him in confusion. “What d’you mean?”

“Y’know that you've never cared about realism, right?”

Sirius stopped in his tracks and it felt like his mind jumped upside down, all of his thoughts slowly dripping from one side of his brain, to another. Remus was looking at him, a pleased look on his face and more than just fair kindness in his eyes.

“You would be a perfect guitar player,” Sirius blurted out, sounding a bit more like himself. “You're a fast learner and you already know music—guitar’s not the most difficult instrument there is.”

Remus took the cigarette from Sirius, seeming thoughtful again. “Now, that sounds more like you.”

A smile rose upon Sirius’ face, his eyes following as Remus inhaled the cigarette smoke and blew it out of the cracked window.

“I was being completely serious about the band yesterday,” Sirius said suddenly, deciding he wanted to tell the simple truth.

Remus turned to face him, seeming somewhat reassured. “I know.” He took another drag out of the fag, handing it then to Sirius. “I was being serious too—I think it’s a fucking wonderful idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Remus replied. “I mean, you're an amazing singer, I could probably learn to play the guitar, but I'm not promising it would sound great, James would be a great drummer and Peter a bassist, if he was a bit more compassionate.”

Sirius couldn’t stop smiling, not even when he set the cigarette between his lips. He was still in his pyjamas, which weren't really special—a worn out band shirt with some linen pants. Remus was fully dressed; he was wearing a grey jumper and blue jeans, which were always hanging a little too low.

“What’s gotten into you today?” Sirius asked, more like blurted out again, but Remus didn't even look at him weird.

“Binns acknowledged my picturesque writing yesterday and gave me 101% on my homework.”

Sirius laughed. “Really? You're so happy, over that?”

“Yeah,” Remus shrugged.

Sirius handed the fag over to Remus again, though it was so ashy, there probably wouldn't be anything to smoke soon. The weather outside was foggy, and Sirius could breathe in the moist air through the narrowly open window. He felt calm, and that was a little strange. The T.Rex song had changed in the background, and Sirius sang the lyrics in his head. He didn't want to disturb the nice morning, that was a rare occurrence in the 11A dorm. Usually James woke everyone up at seven at the latest, because he didn't know how to stay quiet for the sake of his life. Early mornings always ruined Remus’ and sometimes Peter’s whole day, but Sirius didn't mind waking up to the noise. He didn't mind waking up early either—not if he had gone to sleep before midnight.

“It’s a rip-off
Such a rip-off
Gypsy girl’s good
People treat her like a fool”

The song was catchy and Sirius couldn’t help it, as he started humming out loud. Remus just smiled at him as a subtle gesture, stubbing out the ashy cigarette on the windowsill. They were not supposed to do that—use the windowsill as an ashtray or a dining table—but it was so useful. The nice view behind the window was always very appealing, and the sill was just the perfect length to use as a bench.

“I don't remember if you ever told me about your summer, Moony,” Sirius started talking again, this time digging up a piece of curiosity from some forgotten corner of his mind.

“What d’you wanna know?” Remus asked nonchalantly. He looked quite awkward, without any sort of distraction.

“I mean, I was just wondering,” Sirius explained, not very well, but he didn't even know what was going to come out of his mouth. “I was wondering when James mentioned a girlfriend or something when I came onto the train the first day. And in summer I realised I really don’t know anything about you—nobody actually does.”

Remus bit his lip, directing his eyes out of the window to the school grounds. The sun was climbing up the green grass hill straight ahead but the colour of the leaves was changing. Autumn was in the air.

“I don't have a girlfriend if you were wondering that,” Remus said finally, shifting his gaze back to Sirius. “And I just don't like talking ‘bout myself that much.”

“Right,” Sirius replied a bit clumsily.

He wasn't sure whether Remus was speaking the truth, but he didn't have the heart to start investigating Remus Lupin—probably the most difficult person on earth to get to talk about anything he didn't want to. Sirius couldn't imagine Remus not having a secret girlfriend or something like that. He was simply too good-looking and the ‘boyfriend type’ of a guy to not have a nice girl by his side. It was strange how lowly Remus thought of himself anyway; Sirius had pointed out last year when a group of girls had totally been swooning over Remus in math class, but he hadn’t even noticed it. It had been a warm day in May, and Remus had been wearing his school uniform with the two uppermost buttons of his white shirt open.

Sirius thought it was strange that Remus practically avoided all attention from girls that wasn’t purely friendly. That was one reason Sirius had originally been convinced of Remus’ secret girlfriend. Sirius was different than Remus though, so he didn't know at all how his dormmate was truly feeling. Sirius loved all attention, friendly or romantic, good or bad. He liked girls; they always knew how to compliment the right things, give Sirius those flirty eyes to excite him and talk freely about anything and everything. Girls were good until they got mean and needy—that was usually the moment Sirius stopped talking to one.

Last year he had gone out with Mary a few times, but he felt like they were better off as friends (who were still allowed to flirt and snog each other) and a few others, but none of them had been very memorable. So far this year, Sirius had caught Emmeline Vance’s eye, which didn't bother him at all. Emmeline was beautiful and on top of that she seemed nice and funny. They hadn’t done anything big yet, just went to the library twice and stayed out past curfew a few times. The classics.

Sirius fixed his eyes on Remus again as the song changed and he was awakened from the world of his own thoughts. The taller boy was staring at the golden-coloured ground and the forest beyond it. Everything looked so beautiful during the early hours of morning, but Sirius would always love the night more. He was fond of the darkness and the feeling of peace and chaos at the same time. Nights were the only time he was truly able to gather his thoughts and think clearly. The days went by quickly, and everything Sirius made up in his head was unfinished bullshit he didn't have the patience to think through.

That's why Sirius often lay awake in his bed until the early morning, contemplating imaginary songs in his head no one would ever hear.

Chapter Text

Saturday, October 11th, 1975

The hallway was strangely quiet, and so Remus was listening to the only noise he could hear: Caius Avery’s phone call with his mother. Remus was waiting for his turn at the school phone, but it seemed like Avery’s mother was a very talkative woman. The poor House Gellert boy was just replying with yeses and nos at this point, which made Remus smile to himself. Avery was an arse; whatever his mother was lecturing him about was probably reasonable and needed.

Remus’ night had, once again, been restless, and he had slept a total of three hours. Sirius and James had stayed up until midnight, talking about everything from the sky to earth, and just as Remus had been about to fall asleep around one, Peter had burst into the dorm, accidentally knocking over a stack of books. His stomping had been so loud that Remus had considered going to sleep in the hallway. His dormmates were truly unable to keep quiet for more than a few seconds, and Remus was extremely annoyed by that. He valued silence above all, but nobody understood that.

One of the first thoughts that had occurred in Remus‘ mind when Sirius had popped up with the idea of a band, had been, how it could be the perfect way for James and Sirius to unleash their energy and for Peter to manage his anger better. It hadn’t been how stupid the idea of a band was, but of how good. The other thoughts that had popped into Remus’ mind were about his already unconditional love for music and his rather odd habit of writing rhymes and lyrics down into his journal. Sirius’ excitement had given Remus the hope of something bigger too, which he rarely experienced. He didn't want to think of himself as some kind of songwriter, but that was exactly who Remus was right now. He didn't mind, as long as nobody was teasing him about it—in other words, he hadn’t told anyone about his journal and the contents of it yet.

A wealthy lad from downtown
Following their lead to East End
The unsuitable gang of boys
Ready to conquer the world

Remus hadn’t been able to stop for the last few days; all he had done when he found himself having some time alone, was writing into the pages of his black leather journal. Now, he was sitting with his knees pulled up on the hallway floor, where nobody was to interrupt him. It was only eight o’clock on a Saturday, so most students were still asleep or eating breakfast, but Remus had gotten up early due to James’ classic rampaging. Sirius and Peter hadn’t woken up though, which made Remus extremely envious of their sleeping skills.

In the dead of the night
The boy named after a Greek god
Comes home, tries to lay low
Only to awake his sister dear
A pretty girl of art and cohere

Once again Remus was writing about Art and Magnolia—which happened more often than he would’ve liked to admit. It was just so easy to think back to London and write about something warm and familiar. To be honest, Remus had found himself a muse in the Carell siblings and the lively city they dwelled in. It was so easy to create beautiful pieces of text inspired by the intriguing siblings, though Remus was quite sure they weren’t nearly as beautiful as Magnolia, or Art.

“Phone’s free,” Mulciber grunted to Remus as he walked past him, barely making eye contact. Mulciber looked somewhat flustered, and Remus deduced that the conversation with his mother had in fact, not been very pleasant.

As Remus stood up and walked up to the phone, picking it up, a wave of tension suddenly rushed over him. Despite the weird feeling, Remus dialed the Carells’ number in and raised the phone to his right ear, patiently waiting for an answer. He didn't have to wait for a long time.

“Remus, dear, is that you?” Lizzie’s familiar voice asked, cracking a few times due to the bad connection.

“Yeah, it's me.”

“Oh, sweetie, I've been waiting for you to call!” Lizzie exclaimed from the other side of the line. A smile formed onto Remus’ lips—he had almost forgotten how easy it was to be around Lizzie, or in this case, just her voice. “Artemius! Magnolia! Remus is on the phone!”

Remus chuckled in slight embarrassment as Lizzie called for her children on his account.

“So, tell me everything!” Lizzie began, her voice beaming from joy. “How’s school going? Have you met any new friends? How about girls—are there any pretty ones?”

“Well, I’m still doing alright in school, and history’s still my favourite. And I haven't really met new people, it's still the same friends and so on,” Remus replied conscientiously.

“But that’s amazing, dear,” Lizzie said warmly, and Remus leaned onto the wall next to him.

“Yeah, guess so.”

“Well, it seems like someone else is here—very eager to talk to you by the way. You’re gonna have to update me some other time, with more details”, Lizzie laughed and then it sounded like she was giving the phone to someone else.

Remus was waiting for a few seconds, when he suddenly got his eardrums blown.

“JUMPY JOHN! Why the fu– fudge have you not called me!”

This was typical for Art, screaming into the phone, while trying his best to avoid curse words around his mother, but not succeeding at it.

“Been busy,” Remus explained, reasoning in his head that it was at least half of the truth. “And I’ve already said this before,but do not call me that bloody name ever again.”

“But I can't resist it, it's so fun!” Art declared loudly into the phone. “Wanna know what I was up to last night?” he whispered, clearly trying to talk in a mysterious voice and trying not to catch Lizzie’s attention.

“No, but tell me anyway.”

“Rude,” Art scoffed, still continuing with his story. “So, we were out at Olly’s with the boys—Cas moved in with him too—and we decided to go to this pub or whatever. Was kinda illegal, but I liked it. And I saw a pretty girl—never ever seen somebody so beautiful. I think I'm gonna try and find her again someday.”

As Art spoke into the phone, Remus tried to picture this beautiful girl Art had seen, but all that came to his mind was Magnolia. “You think you can find the same girl from London, just like that?”

“Bollocks! You make it sound so terribly hard,” Art murmured lowly, making Remus laugh.

“That's reality, mate.”

“And I thought you couldn't get any more depressing,” Art scoffed. “That poshy boarding school of yours is probably a hellhole.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, but disagreed with Art in his head. Hogwarts wasn't all that bad, but the students and teachers could be frustrating. The only people Remus truly tolerated were his friends and his favourite teachers, but otherwise ignoring the unpleasant people, he enjoyed being at Hogwarts. He just didn't enjoy being away from London.

“How’s it going for ya, anyway?” Art asked then, trying to change the topic to Remus’ life.

“Well, y’know,” Remus answered, “I've been studying and hanging out with friends and stuff.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And that was all Remus had to say about himself.

“Well, Malia’s here now, and she looks like she’s dying to talk to you,” Art then stated, chuckling lightly into the phone. Remus could almost see the eye roll Magnolia probably threw at Art.

“Put her on, Carell. I’ll talk to you soon,” Remus said, lying.

“Talk to ya, Lupin!”

The phone crackled a few times as the two siblings switched places. Remus had a strange feeling in his gut; it was like tension and thrill had mixed into one. It had been ages since he had last talked to Magnolia, aside from the letters she had continued to send. Remus thought it was nice. He liked reading, but he loved reading words that were Magnolias even more.

“Hey, RJ.”

Magnolia’s voice was soft, quiet like a whisper.

“Hey, Magnolia.”

“How have you been?” she asked, and Remus pressed his back against the wall.

“I've been good. I've missed you, though, like a lot,” he answered truthfully, shifting his gaze to the end of the hallway, which was still empty and quiet.

“You're so sweet,” Magnolia sighed. “I wish you were here.”

Remus smiled so hard his face started to hurt. It was oddly funny, because just a week ago Sirius had borrowed the new Pink Floyd album named ‘Wish You Were Here’ from his music teacher and showed it to Remus. The only person Remus had been able to think about during the first listening of the album, had been Magnolia.

“Did you say that on purpose?” Remus decided to ask, though it sounded extremely foolish.

“I didn't think you’d get that one,” Magnolia giggled into the phone, making Remus’ smile grow. “Well, I've heard the album about a hundred times only these past three days.”

“Because of that music obsessed friend of yours? What was his name again?” Magnolia inquired then, clearly recalling the thing Remus had told her ages ago.

“Yeah. Sirius.”

“Ah, the one named after a star!” Magnolia exclaimed, making Remus shake his head in amusement. “Did I ever tell you that the rest of his family’s also named after stars, galaxies and constellations?”

“I don't think you did,” replied Magnolia. “That sounds like something only the rich would do.”

Remus snorted unattractively. “Oh, if only you knew.”

“Tell me then,” Magnolia urged, sounding intrigued. “I know you secretly love gossip, RJ, so for once in your life, be a blabbermouth.”

Remus rolled his eyes, however he couldn’t resist the temptation to talk to Magnolia about Sirius’ strange family. Magnolia loved everything strange—she was a peculiar girl herself, but hardly anyone was truly able to see that.

“His family’s one of the oldest and most wealthy in the whole of Britain—the seventh wealthiest, if I remember correctly,” Remus started. “In this case, it's a bad thing, because Sirius is rhe heir to a family he despises, and for a reason. They're horrible. I think his parents are actually cousins, but I can't be sure if they were second cousins or first…”

Remus continued talking about whatever Magnolia asked him about, until a line of people that also wanted to use the phone had started to form. Magnolia asked about James and Peter too, a little about the girls, as Remus had mentioned them before, and then she wanted to know what Remus wanted to do when he came back to London for Christmas break. To that, he hadn’t had a prepared answer for; Remus had simply told her he wanted to feel alive and happy, which was true and a good answer in his own opinion. Magnolia had told him she would make one night feel like an eternity for Remus, which he didn't doubt at all. Sometimes it felt like she had some magic abilities that made him forget time was a true concept.

As Remus said his goodbyes to Magnolia and ended the phone call, he was left yearning and longing. He started walking back to dorm 11A , trying to seem like he hadn’t just been talking to the girl he loved only a few minutes ago. It wasn't like Remus enjoyed hiding his whole life from everyone, but it just sort of happened—he liked being private. He liked that there were only two people on earth who knew about him and Magnolia: him and Magnolia. Remus also didn't see the point of telling people things they didn't need to know; what the hell would James, Sirius and Peter do, with the information that Remus didn't live at home. Or that he had a girlfriend. Whose parents he was living with. Or that he sometimes liked going downtown and doing drugs. Or that his mother was in a hospital. Or that he already knew how to play guitar.

Okay, maybe it would be reasonable of Remus to talk about his knowledge of guitars to Sirius, since he had been talking about the idea of a band for nearly two weeks now. Remus didn't exactly know how to play guitar, but his mother had taught him for a few years, before she had been taken into hospital care. He did know the basic stuff, and how to read music sheets. Remus had also tried to write his own songs after Sirius had first introduced the band idea, but they weren’t really special, just some scraps that he would never show to anyone.

***

It was a Hogsmeade weekend, which meant that all of Hogwarts‘ students were allowed to visit the village a kilometre away from the school. Usually, teachers came too. For Remus and his dormmates, the visit meant either all four of them messing around in The Three Broomsticks café and all the different shops, or Remus and James doing things by themselves, since Sirius and Peter were too busy with their girlfriends. Today, luckily for Remus, was a day they were all together. James had been insufferable for weeks now, because Lily was still mad at him about the roach prank they had done to Snape.

Remus didn't understand why Lily was still so pissed off about the whole roach thing, especially at Remus, even though he hadn’t initiated it in any way, or at James who had literally slept through the prank. Remus also didn't understand why James was so bloody crushed about Lily not liking him—to be realistic, James was drooling over a lost case. Not that Lily was a lost case, but even the idea of James and Lily ever having anything going between them was utterly absurd. Or perhaps, Remus was being extremely pessimistic, while James was hopeful for a reason.

“Do you think she’ll notice me if I become top of the class this year?” James asked, peeking from the small gap between Remus and Sirius to the table across him.

“Mate, you won’t become top of the class—ever,” Sirius scoffed, taking a sip from his tea. Earlier today, at least four girls had walked up to Sirius at school, asking him out on a date, but for some reason, he had declined them all.

“Oi, I could if I tried!”

“Yeah, totally,” Remus said ironically. “I just don't think it’d help your situation, at all.”

“My situation?” James repeated, pointedly shifting his eyes from Lily, who was sitting at another table, back to Remus.

“Yeah, Lily does notice your staring, you do it everyday, and also, she just simply doesn't like you.”

“Oh, I like it when Moony switches to being brutally honest,” Sirius comments, making Remus give him an annoyed look.

“I mean it’s the truth,” Peter agreed quietly. He was sitting beside James, who now seemed more devastated than ever before.

“But my favourite football team is from her hometown!” James shouted, luckily not so loud that Lily noticed. “That's a sign, is it not?”

“For fuck’s sake,” Remus muttered under his breath, taking a sip out of his coffee.

“This is the longest she's ever been without talking to me!”

James had a distraught look on his face, empty eyes staring right at Lily again. Remus truly wished he could punch James right then and there, but he felt that would only make matters worse. Sirius simply seemed like he didn't have anything better to do than watch James squirm and suffer; he was almost laughing at the mental state his best friend was in. While Peter on the other hand looked like he wished he could vanish into thin air. Remus understood that perfectly.

“Can we talk about something else?” Peter finally asked, making Remus sigh in relief.

James turned to look at the sandy haired boy, eyes wide open. “But this is important!”

“Right,” Peter rolled his eyes. “Where are we going next? I need to get Lorelei a birthday present, but I'm not really sure what she likes besides her new boyfriend.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Your sister's birthday is soon?”

“Yes,” Peter replied in confusion.

“So, assuming there will be a party for–”

“Oh no,” Peter then interrupted Sirius. “We’re not going even if there is.”

Sirius scoffed. “Rude.”

“Alright, Pete, what’re you gonna get for Lorelei?” Remus decided to ask.

Peter clearly had no clue how to answer that question. “Er… I guess she’d like a necklace or something like that from me.”

“Great start!” Remus stated, very eager to talk about something else than Lily for once. “You’ll go to a jewelry store with James—he knows how to pick a perfect one, right?”

James seemed like he just snapped out of a trance as his name was mentioned. “What?”

“Prongs, you know how to pick jewelry.”

“No, I–”

“Just say yes,” Remus demanded.

James looked rather confused. “Uh… Yeah?”

“Very convincing indeed!” Remus exclaimed, standing up from his seat. Peter and James both looked slightly bewildered. “We’ll go to the record store, right, Pads?”

Sirius furrowed his brows. “We will?”

“Oh yes.”

At that, Remus started marching out of the cafe, not giving a single shit about his half-drunk coffee. He could get a new one later. Fortunately, Sirius had picked up on the not-so-subtle hint about escaping James’ Lily problems, because he was now following Remus, quickly putting one foot in front of the other.

“Are we really running away from James and Peter?” Sirius inquired, as the two boys stepped outside into the fog.

Remus turned to look at the black haired boy, who was dressed in his leather jacket again. “Definitely. Let’s go—I wanna see what new records they have.”

The streets of Hogsmeade were narrow, and it was difficult to navigate through them since apparently every teacher and student was in the village. Fortunately, Remus had visited Hogsmeade enough times in the past to know the location of each shop by heart. The record store, Needle & Groove, was at the parting of two streets, sort of in the middle of an alley. Remus walked straight through a group of people, Sirius still following him to the record store. It was definitely the shop he visited most in the village. Since he was a child, Remus had always loved music, and when he started at Hogwarts, he began going to Needle & Groove regularly.

As Remus and Sirius walked into the small, dimly lit shop, they greeted the owner who was called Remi. Sirius had laughed the first time Remi—a 60-something-years-old, tattoo-covered man—had introduced himself to the clueless Year 7 boys. Remus had blushed so much, he had looked like a tomato and Sirius had made an endless amount of jokes about the similarity of Remus’ and Remi’s names. Now, everytime Remus entered the shop, Remi gave him a sympathetic nod.

“Do you think they’ve already got the new 'The Who' album?” Sirius asked as he caught up with Remus, taking a place next to him.

“They have a new album?”

“Yup. Or at least that’s what Andy told me.”

“Dunno,” Remus shrugged. “I’m looking for Fleetwood Mac self titled.”

Remus could feel the burning confusion that arose on Sirius’ face as he heard what Remus had just said. “Fleetwood Mac? That's– You’d never listen to that.”

Remus shrugged again. “It’s a gift.”

Sirius leaned onto the wall next to where Remus was looking through recently released albums, and gave the taller boy a weird look. “For who? Lily’s birthday is in January, innit?”

“Yeah, it is,” Remus replied. To his luck, he found the Fleetwood Mac album, picking it from the shelf.

“So it's not for Lily?” Sirius continued asking questions.

“Nope.”

Remus moved onto the next aisle, deciding to simply look at the new selection Remi had managed to gather during the summer. Sirius, of course, kept up with him, still seeming eager to know exactly what Remus was up to.

“Moony, what girl are you buying an album for?” Sirius inquired, trying to make eye contact that Remus avoided instantly.

“She's from back home,” Remus finally gave up, giving Sirius something to begin with.

“She's from London?”

Sirius’ tone of voice changed immediately, but Remus wasn't exactly sure what that could mean. He was flipping through Bowie records now, which made no sense, since Sirius already owned all of thrm and there was nothing new to collect. Remus didn't know why he wasn't even feeling happy about telling his friends of Magnolia. Or anything else for that matter. It was sort of embarrassing—Remus liked keeping it all to himself.

“Yeah. A girl from London.”

“Well,” Sirius continued, moving even closer to Remus, “she got a name?”

Remus turned to look into Sirius’ blue eyes that were unavailingly close to his own eyes. “Magnolia.”

It seemed like this time something in Sirius’ whole appearance changed; as if he had shrunk down like a jumper in a tumble dryer. Remus moved just a bit further from his dormmate, creating a small distance between them.

“I’m gonna go buy the album,” Remus decided to announce, swallowing thickly and moving to the cash register.

Remi was standing behind the register, leaning onto the desk, looking observantly as Remus walked up to him and handed over the Fleetwood Mac self titled. The older man typed something into the cashier in front of him, giving the album back to Remus a moment later. “3 pounds, boy.”

Remus dug a bunch of coins out of his left pocket, hoping they would be enough. He didn't have any more money on him, but it seemed like Remi received the coins with gratitude. He nodded to Remus as a sign that it had, in fact, been an exact change. “Good day, boys.”

“See ya,” Remus said before turning around, a new album in hand and pockets empty.

Sirius was waiting for him at the door, his expression now unreadable. Remus simply walked past the other boy and out the door, hearing Sirius’ steps behind him. He stopped at the corner of the street.

Remus didn't know why he was feeling so frustrated today—he just was.

“Should we go find James and Peter?” he asked, looking in each direction, hoping to spot them somewhere on the streets.

“Oh, so now you want to find them?” Sirius mocked, a nuance of sneer in his voice. “How nice of you.”

Remus bit his lip, not from embarrassment, but annoyance. “Yeah, I do.”

“Why’re you so bloody– so wacky?” Sirius scoffed then, placing his hands onto his hips.

Remus turned to look at his dormmate, only this time he noticed Sirius had borrowed Mary’s eyeliner again. Remus felt a weird sensation in his stomach, but it was gone in an instant.

“I’m not,” he replied flatly. “Let’s check Honeydukes.”

At that, Remus started walking towards the sweet shop, located in the centre of the left street. He had no clue what he was doing, but Sirius simply followed him again, seeming even more annoyed than Remus was.

“You're like James when Lily's giving him the cold shoulder,” Sirius murmured, just loud enough for Remus to hear. Still, he pretended he hadn’t heard anything.

As the entrance of Honeydukes came into view, Remus decided to go in, aimlessly. There were a whole lot of year 7’s and 8’s at the door, hogging the way, and so Remus pushed through them, not caring enough to apologise. Inside, there was this strong sugary smell that soared straight into Remus’ nose. It made him want to exit the shop immediately. He didn't have the chance to do that though, as he noticed James and Peter who were standing in front of a tall shelf, filled with all kinds of different lollies.

“Oi, you wankers left me alone with him!” Peter said loudly, not sounding mad though, as he saw Remus, and probably Sirius, approaching.

It seemed like Peter and James had done something against Lily-problem, since James didn't look utterly devastated anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said, still feeling a bit strange. “What’re you doing?”

“Thinking ‘bout what I should buy for Lorelei,” Peter answered, his eyes shifting to the lollies in front of him again.

“You're buying sweets as your sister's birthday gift?” Sirius asked. He sounded rather stunned.

“I already bought her a bracelet!” Peter started defending himself and turned to look at Sirius. “James picked it, but I'm sure she’ll hate it anyway.”

“She's not that rude, mate,” James said, raising his eyebrows. “Or is she?”

“Not to anyone else, just to me!”

At that, some year 12 girls turned to look at Peter, as if he had just barfed his breakfast all over the floor.

“Dear God,” Remus muttered to himself. He wanted to go to sleep already, though he probably wouldn't get any. “Can you just pick the sweets you wanna buy her, Pete?”

“Yeah, yeah, I'm totally doing that,” Peter confirmed, shifting his gaze back to the shelf.

Remus didn't believe for a second he was actually thinking about the lollies that were in front of him. Peter always got distracted when Lorelei was mentioned, and Remus had figured out the reason throughout the years of knowing Peter and his older sister. Lorelei was everything Peter was not, not to say it offensively; she was a prefect, had perfect grades and her looks were nothing but exquisite. Lorelei was at all times chaperoned by boys nearly as good-looking as herself, which in itself, wasn’t a problem, since Peter has a girlfriend of his own. And Camila was rather nice and beautiful too.

As the door to Honeyduke‘s opened and closed once again, Remus saw James’ expression change entirely. There was no guessing what had just happened and Remus was not surprised at all, when the next thing James had gasped was: “Lily Evans!”

Sirius groaned, throwing his head back, looking like he would rather die than be there. Remus understood him completely. Peter was, in fact, so focused on picking the lollies for Lorelei, he hadn’t even noticed the change in James’ mood.

Remus decided to turn and look to the direction where James was staring inevitably, seeming too mesmerised by the auburn haired girl to even stand still. Lily was only looking at the new chocolates next to the door with Marlene, but by the look of James, one could have thought she had undressed herself right there.

“Wormy, pick your lollies faster,” Sirius urged Peter on in the background while Remus watched how Lily and Marlene slowly started coming closer to the four boys.

Suddenly—so suddenly that Remus nearly had an unexpected heart attack—he heard a loud thump from beside him. He winced while turned his eyes to the direction of the noise only to see James on the ground, all messed up on the floor of the sweet shop. The view was so comical, Remus could have pegged it for an awesome circus performance. Sirius was laughing obnoxiously loud, holding his stomach and Peter was watching the scene, eyes wide open and mouth curved into a horrified expression.

Remus started laughing too, and the scene only got funnier when James tried to get up, clearly embarrassed of himself, but fell back down to the floor, this time onto his back.

“Fucking hell!” James cursed, giving up every single bit of his dignity and simply covering his face with his hands. The Indian boy lay on the floor, and every student nearby had started laughing too. All the girls were giggling and Remus heard a few boys yell something to James, who was still on the ground.

“That was bloody priceless!” Sirius wheezed and continued laughing. At one point, he had to grip onto a shelf, so he wouldn't fall down too.

“That was bloody mortifying!” James corrected from the ground, hands still covering his face.

Remus laughed too. “Get up, Prongs!”

And to make the situation even worse, another voice appeared. “Potter, are you alright? That sure looked painful.”

James was up from the ground in seconds, looking rather alarmed and fixing his hair so it would go in the right direction. His glasses were crooked, cheeks awfully heated, and his eyes seeking help from Remus.

“Lost your tongue in the process?” Lily proceeded to ask, but she didn't seem mad. She had probably noticed the whole scene unfold with Marlene, just like everyone else in the shop. Lily was clearly on the verge of laughing again too—Remus could always tell these kind of things.

“Erm… Probably,” James replied finally, posing very awkwardly and his face twisting into ten different expressions at the same time.

At that Marlene started giggling uncontrollably. Remus turned to look at the blonde haired girl, but she had already hidden behind Lily’s back again, who now looked rather nervous too.

“I can't be mad at you anymore, Potter, that was bloody hilarious,” Lily said then, bursting into laughter straight after she finished her sentence. Everyone else joined, except James who still looked baffled and horrified at the same time.

The laughter continued all the way back to Hogwarts. First, Sirius started cackling as Peter went up to the cashier to buy the lollies he had finally managed to pick for Lorelei. Secondly, Marlene started giggling again as they all walked out of Honeydukes, everyone harmonising with her. As the quite strange group of year 11’s started walking the route back to the school building, Remus remembered the way James had fallen right before his eyes and began howling like crazy. Everyone expect James had tears in their eyes, an aching stomach and sore cheeks as they returned through the Hogwarts gates.

***

The dorm was quiet for once, and Remus felt as if his soul’s dearest desire had finally been granted.

After the group of four boys had returned from their both unfortunate and also fortunate trip to Hogsmeade, Peter had gone off to see Camila and Sirius had left too. Remus assumed Sirius had a girl to meet, since he hadn’t brought one to the village. Maybe it was Emmeline Vance Sirius was seeing; after all, she was the girl Sirius was always talking about these days. Remus couldn’t blame his dormmate—he thought Emmeline was very pretty. He supposed she was smart too, as she was in the chess club and always raised her hand in class, answering the questions correctly.

Remus’ only company at the moment was James who was sitting still on his bed, fidgeting with a pen. For an hour or so, Remus had tried to get into the historical book Binns had recommended to the class earlier this week, but for the life of him, he couldn’t understand a single word of it. It was written in some ancient hieroglyphs, or at least that’s what it felt like. Usually Remus could make sense of texts like that but this book was completely different—it was illegible.

“Moony, can I ask you something?” James interrupted suddenly, and Remus was glad to close the book and listen. James’ tone of voice reminded him of the one Sirius had used earlier in the record store, but Remus tried not to think about it.

“Yeah, anything,” he replied.

James stopped fidgeting the pen he had in his hands and placed it onto the nightstand that was next to his bed. “D’you think I’m stupid? Like, for not giving up on Lily already?”

Remus didn't know what to say. “I don't know what to say...”

“Just tell me what you think,” James urged. He looked rather unnerved and therefore Remus didn't dare to protest. He simply took a better position on his own bed and looked James in the eye.

“Yeah, well, I don't know ‘bout stupid but it seems exhausting,” Remus shrugged. “I mean, has it always been Lily? No one else ever?”

James shrugged too. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“I've never felt the same way towards anyone other than Lily.”

“Oh.”

Remus was left wordless, though if someone understood the way James was feeling, it was definitely him. The only person Remus had liked and loved like he did, was Magnolia.

“Yeah,” James sighed, raising his legs onto the bed sheets too. “It’s like, I just wanna talk to her and kiss her, but she’ll never let me. It’s like I’m trapped in a prison.”

All of a sudden, Remus felt so much sympathy for James. He didn't know what he would do if Magnolia didn't share the same feelings he did—he would probably go insane.

“And it's so much worse when Sirius starts talking about all his girls and Peter mentions Camila!” James began raising his voice, sounding annoyed, which Remus understood. “I wish they’d shut up sometimes, ‘cause I start feeling horrible when they talk about girls. I just want Lily to like me back—I swear I've tried everything!”

Remus was left silent again, as he didn't know what he should answer. He felt bad for James, but also for Lily. Lily was probably clueless about the true feelings of deep admiration James had hidden inside of his clear actions of having a crush. Still Remus couldn’t possibly encourage James to confess his undying love, or anything even remotely like that—it would be the start of the third world war.

“I dunno, Prongs,” Remus sighed after a while. “I think there's nothing you can do. Or you can try and be Lily’s friend for starters, but that’s probably not what you want.”

James went quiet and the expression on his face was suddenly clear, like Remus had just said the smartest thing of the century.

“What did I say?”

“I gotta be her friend first!” James beamed, his lips curving into a wide smile. “That way she’ll get to truly know me!”

Remus nodded, catching up on what James was thinking. Perhaps James and Lily being friends wouldn't be so crazy at all; if the two of them actually understood each other, maybe they wouldn't be in constant conflict.

“How are you gonna become Lily’s friend?” Remus asked, as he realised there was no way Lily would ever agree to some casual hangout with James. “She's not just gonna start being your friend when you ask—we’re not in kindergarten.”

James looked puzzled for some time as he took Remus’ question under consideration. After a while James’ whole appearance lit up like a candle. “We’re gonna have some fun on Halloween, right?”

“Halloween?” Remus questioned.

“Yeah,” replied James. “Like a party or something. I could invite her and make her drink and–”

“Okay, bad start,” Remus cut in. “Don’t say ‘make her drink’. Makes it sound like you have very impure intentions.”

James grimaced. “Ew, I don't.” His expression changed and he raised his eyebrows. “Well, I guess I’d always like to–”

“Yeah, stop right there,” Remus interrupted again, shaking his head in need to unhear what he had just heard. “Let’s make a deal: we do something on Halloween that isn’t illegal, and I'll get Lily to talk to you.”

“Deal!”

And that was it—James stood up from his bed, glowing so bright he could have been the sun himself. He skipped to the kitchen, humming a Doors song on his way there and most definitely started making a snack for himself. Remus was craving tea, but he didn't want to hear about how bloody happy James was right now. Although, he supposed it was better than the terribly, miserable James Remus had witnessed these past weeks, when Lily hadn’t uttered a word in his presence. The only thing Remus was now worried about was Halloween. How the fuck would he get Lily to actually talk to James without insulting him and also without James making a fool of himself in front of her?

Well, that was a problem for another time. The problem for this evening was the book Binns had given Remus. He wouldn't accept defeat before he had cracked the code, if there even was a code. Perhaps Remus could ask Lily—she would probably know, but then again, that would mean Remus would have to start licking James’ arse around Lily to make him look like a bloody perfect gentleman. It was so much easier to praise somebody out of instinct than on purpose.

Remus’ next challenge: think extremely positively about James every-fucking-day until Halloween and talk to Lily.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, October 23rd, 1975

Lily was writing to her family back home, but her words sounded empty and her longing pretentious. She knew her parents would be glad anyway—they always loved what she wrote, even if it was about a biology project, or what she had eaten for breakfast. Lily couldn’t be luckier than having been born in such a caring, kind family, and she loved her parents beyond measure, but something was bugging her today. Perhaps it was Petunia; Lily’s older sister, who had become rather bitter and spiteful after their parents had learned how intelligent and unique Lily was. Lily didn't think of herself as so intelligent and unique, she was simply a great student, but everyone around her praised her for her cleverness.

Petunia both disagreed and agreed—one day she would tell Lily how unworthy and stupid she was, however the next she expressed her unconditional sisterly love like there was no tomorrow. Petunia was difficult to understand. Lily could never truly be one hundred percent sure what her sister was thinking about a certain matter; her opinion never stayed the same for more than a day. In all likelihood, Petunia had gone to work today at a flower shop near their house, where they were paying her minimum wage. Probably thinking about how Lily would never be in such a situation and how Petunia would rather switch places with her.

Lily felt very much sympathy for her sister, because she still remembered their shared childhood and other memories. Sometimes, it seemed like Petunia had entirely forgotten how close the two sisters had once been. On hot summer days they would go to a park in their neighbourhood and play with all the other kids, then later in the evenings leaving and going on exciting adventures. One time, Petunia had taken Lily to a secret forest trail to pick up pretty flowers for their mum, and now, everytime Lily returns home she goes to the forest to pick some flowers. She always put them in a vase on her mother’s nightstand.

As a child, Petunia had been eager and fun, but nowadays she was nothing but bitter. She shared her feelings with no one other than herself, except her unlikeable boyfriend, Vernon, who wasn't exactly a nice fellow himself either. When Lily returned home for Christmas and summer, Petunia wasn't happy anymore. She greeted her emotionlessly, then asking their mum if she could go out with Vernon. It had been like that for a few years now. Lily ought to have expected that at 18 Petunia wouldn't be so interested in hanging out with her sister anymore, but they didn't have any kind of connection anymore. It made Lily worry.

On the spur of the moment Lily folded the letter for her parents in half, set it aside for later, and took a new piece of paper. She would write to Petunia, regardless of the fact that Petunia would probably end up throwing it in the rubbish.

Sister,

I’m nothing but aware that you loathe me, but please, read this letter and let me try and be your sister for once.

Lily didn't know what she was going to write, but perhaps she didn't need to know.

I know you think I couldn't care less about you and your life which differs from mine, but I do care. I want to know how it's going at your new workplace. I want to know when Vernon’s planning on proposing (and don't be foolish, it is so obvious, and you're 18 now). I also want to know how I can try and repair what’s been broken throughout the years, because I miss my sister.

I’m not sure whether this is completely useless, or a nice gesture, but I still care for you and I want to stay a part of your life. At least don't move out before next summer, because I want to go on walks in the forest with you again, not alone. Don’t be like Aunt-Jen, she was a bitch and we all know it.

Lily (or Sunny, if that helps with your hatred towards me)

Lily didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She felt like a fool, writing her sister a letter, begging to fix their relationship, but she was too determined to not to send it. It wasn't even nicely written, just something from the top chambers of Lily’s heart she was offering to Petunia as an apology and a ‘piss of, we’re equal’.

“Lils, we need help!”

Lily folded the letter for Petunia in half too, then put it on top of the one for her parents. Loudly sighing, she answered. “With what?!”

“Mary can not cook!”

A small chuckle left Lily’s lips, although she knew that was very much true and Mary had probably set the dorm kitchen on fire by now. Lily stood up and traveled the small way from her bed to the kitchen, only to be faced with pure chaos.

Mary had a spatula in one hand, a knife in the other and she was standing on a chair for some bloody mysterious reason, doing a little dance while talking. Marlene was stirring something in a steaming pot, seeming rather panicked—probably about the fact that Mary had a knife in her hand and she was standing right over Marlene, blabbing about something very irrelevant and gesturing with her hands. There was also a frying pan on the stove, the lid closed. Lily could smell tomatoes, so she assumed they were making some kind of sauce.

“What are you doing?” she asked, raising her voice enough to be heard over Mary’s talking. “We literally have dinner in an hour!”

“Mary started making pasta and she almost burned the dorm down, so I had to help,” Marlene explained, as Lily walked closer to Mary, who finally realised she should be quiet.

Marlene's hair was tied into a messy ponytail and she had sporty clothes on, which meant that she had not showered yet, even after her training. Lily didn't know what to think about it all—Marlene was now going to the boys’ football practice, but she assumed her opinion didn't matter on any level. Marlene could do what she wanted. Mary, on the other hand, was still wearing her school uniform, just like Lily, but she had taken off the vest, the shoes and socks, and was now walking around the dorm kitchen barefoot.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Lily sighed. “And what’re you making pasta for? Is that like one of your French things?”

Mary finally laid the knife down on the kitchen counter, making both Lily and Marlene sigh in relief. “Yeah, I mean, Dada’s new wife eats it all the time at home, and she’s not French—she’s from Italy.”

“Great, amazing,” Lily said, completely uninterested.

“Could you maybe take the sauce off the stove?” Marlene asked, as Mary went back to dancing.

“Yup.”

First, Lily went under Mary’s arm to take a kettle holder from one of the cabinets, then placed it on the kitchen table. After that, Lily took the frying pan and moved it on the kettle holder. The sauce seemed like it was some kind of tomato-cheese-sauce, but Lily couldn’t be certain, since it was Mary’s cooking.

“Are we done?” Lily asked, looking at Marlene first, then afterwards at Mary.

“I think so,” Marlene grimaced. “I really don't know how to cook pasta, but neither does Mary, so I think I'll handle it well enough.”

Lily nodded, although she wasn’t convinced at all. “I’m gonna start my homework but please, do ask for help, ‘cause I don't want us to get suspended for burning down the kitchen.”

“Will do,” Marlene smiled and sent Lily off.

Lily shook her head in amusement, and returned to her bedroom. Mary, was in fact, a terrible cook, and Lily could only thank Marlene for being so helpful, because otherwise there wouldn't be a dorm to return to tomorrow.

The letters on Lily’s bed were still sort of unfinished, so before she would start doing her history and chemistry homework, Lily decided to sign them. She sat back down and took the letter for her parents. It was shorter than normally, and Lily had only talked about school and what she could get everybody for Christmas, although the holiday wouldn't be for another two months. Still, Lily simply wrote her signature at the end of the letter, something she did every time. Perhaps it was a little old-fashioned, but it had become a habit. For the second time now, Lily folded the letter in half, but now she also took an envelope from her nightstand and put the letter inside, sealing it and writing her home address on the front.

When Lily took Petunia’s letter into her hands, she felt strange again. Would her sister even read it? Would it simply collect dust on the kitchen table or Petunia’s room? Most definitely, but Lily wasn't going to give up so easily. She had already signed Petunia’s letters, so she only had to shove it into an envelope, writing the same information on the front again. Lily knew she could always just call her family and chat with them like most people do, but she only did that when there was an emergency. Writing was nice and it helped Lily express everything more thoughtfully. On the phone she sounded exactly like everyone else, talking pretty much nonsense.

Lily decided she would mail the letters after dinner, therefore placing the two envelopes on her nightstand and afterwards starting on her history homework. This was a priority, since Lily would need it done tomorrow, but chemistry could wait until Friday. Binns was stricter about homework than Slughorn anyway, albeit it didn't affect Lily in any kind of way. She always tried her best. After all, she was top of the class, and it wasn't for nothing.

***

Thursday, October 24th, 1975

“Are you sure that's exactly what she said to you?”

“Yeah, I'm sure.”

Lily cast a look at Severus which clearly showed him that she didn’t believe him. They were walking to the school library together where McGonagall had assigned them to organise the returned books, but not alone. Most prefects were apparently preparing the school grounds for night frosts, but alongside Lily and Severus, Regulus Black and Pandora Rosier had been the only free ones left, which meant the four of them were now going to work together. Lily was aware that Severus was sort of friendly with Regulus since they were, after all, in the same house, but she didn't know what to think of it or anything else.

It wasn't like Lily had a problem with either Regulus or Pandora Rosier—she didn't really know either of them. Regulus was of course Sirius’ younger brother, but the two of them were so different Lily couldn’t deduce anything about Regulus’ character based on Sirius. From her knowledge the younger brother was much more quiet and more focused, but he wasn't very kind either. Sirius was messy and loud; everyone, including Lily, knew that through earth and sky. And as for Pandora Rosier, Lily was only aware that she had a twin brother who caused nearly as much trouble as Sirius and James did. Also that Pandora was part of the chess club. Peter had talked about it once or twice.

As Lily and Severus reached the library, she immediately noticed the other prefect pair near the entrance. Regulus seemed rather nondescript—he never looked happy really. He had the same wavy black hair as Sirius but it was a bit shorter, not quite to the shoulder. Regulus was also smaller, but not by a lot. The two brothers had the same eyes, build and bone structure, but their personalities couldn’t have been more different. Pandora on the other hand was a captivating girl just based on her outlook. She had long blonde hair in which she had braided small braids into, and added some jewelry. Lily didn't know how she did that but she would’ve very much liked to know. Pandora also had light, ivory skin and dashing blue eyes that were veiled by nearly white eyelashes.

“Hey,” Lily greeted through the lump in her throat as they arrived with Severus on the spot where the two other prefects were.

“Hello,” Pandora said back with a heartfelt smile. Regulus simply nodded as did Severus.

Fortunately for all of them, Madam Pince showed up around the corner, greeting them all with a grateful smile. “Hello, prefects! Oh, Miss Evans, do you have the copy of Hogwarts History with you?”

Lily was a little embarrassed that the library keeper was so friendly with her, but she disguised it with an apologetic look. “I’m so sorry I don’t have it, I’ll return it tomorrow.”

“That's alright,” Pince assured, patting Lily softly on the shoulder. She was an older woman, usually rather sour, but towards students that were to her liking, exceptionally kind. Pince wore red cat-eye glasses and colorful clothes—she didn't follow the unspoken dress code as strictly as other teachers and members of staff did.

“Well, here are some returned books that you’ll help me put in places,” Pince started explaining what the prefects were supposed to do, pointing at a huge crate with wheels. “Over the next aisle is another one, but it needs to be taken to the fiction half of the library. Can I trust that task to you Miss Rosier and Miss Evans as you both are so very keen on those books?”

Lily was quite startled but she managed to nod. Pandora on the other hand smiled widely. “I’d love that. Thanks, Madam Pince!”

“You're welcome,” the library keeper twinkled back. “Now, let's all get to work.”

Awkward glances were exchanged amongst the group of prefects before Severus and Regulus took on the crate with returned nonfiction and other school books as theirs. Pandora smiled at Lily as she started walking around the shelves to the other side, and Lily just followed the younger girl. Pandora was so gentle and sweet, Lily was glad she got to work with her instead of Regulus. Not that there was something wrong with Sirius’ younger brother but he seemed rather uptight, and Lily didn't know at all how to work with it.

“Ah, I think this is it,” Pandora said as the two girls found themselves standing in front of a crate that looked just the same as the one Pince had shown them a minute ago.

“Yeah, let's move it to the other section,” Lily replied. She recognised some of the top most books of the huge pile—she loved reading, especially fiction books, when she was in need of a relief.

“Are you reading Hogwarts history for a class perhaps?” Pandora asked as they started walking to the left wing of the library, dragging the crate with them.

“What?”

“Most people don’t read books like that in their free time.”

Lily watched Pandora who simply smiled at her, genuinely kind expression on her face. Maybe she was trying to get to know Lily, be nice to her and stuff.

“Yeah, well, I'm not most people,” Lily said flusteredly, though it sounded very stupid. “I’m reading for my own interests—it’s good to know the history of a place you're studying at.”

“That's true,” Pandora answered as they turned to the right area. “I like history as well. It teaches us things we might not even realise.”

Pandora was looking incessantly into Lily’s eyes while speaking, which made her sound very sincere. Lily had no doubt whether that was the truth. It was refreshing to talk to people like her.

“Yeah,” Lily agreed.

As the two girls started sorting the fiction books into the right shelves, moving along the many aisles and sections, Lily felt herself comfortable around Pandora. The year 10 girl made nice comments here and there, holding up a book she had read before and telling her opinion on it. Lily tried to do the same, but she was awfully bad at trying to bring up her points without spoiling the entire plot. Her English grade might have been the highest of the whole school, possibly of the whole of England (crazy thought, right?) but when it came to talking, Lily Evans was as mediocre as every other student.

“Have you read this one?”

Lily turned her head into Pandora's direction as he heard her voice, taking a glare at the book she was holding up this time. It was Jane Austen’s famous piece called Emma.

“Yeah, I have,” Lily replied. She had read it two summers ago at the family’s summer cabin. “I quite liked it—the romance plot was interesting for once.”

“Sounds excellent,” Pandora muttered, probably more to herself than Lily. “I've been thinking if I should read it. My mum used to read me and Evan Austen and other authors like her for bedtime stories.”

That honestly explains a lot, Lily thought in her head but would’ve said out loud in no world.

“That’s nice,” Lily said. “I totally recommend reading it, but I prefered ‘Persuasion’ of Austen’s books. Very intriguing.”

Pandora tilted hear, seeming thoughtful. “Do you know if Pince has it here?”

Lily nodded. “She has, I borrowed it from here.”

“Good thing,” Pandora said, picking up another book and reading the author’s name so she would know what shelf the book belonged to.

Lily did the same as her acquaintance and began sorting through the pile of books quickly again. With the two of them, Lily and Pandora managed to get the work done in no time—or that’s what it felt like, though in reality the process took nearly an hour. It was nice to have someone to talk to whilst doing the task, and Lily grew very fond of Pandora through their short time spent together. When she really thought about it, they were quite alike and definitely understood each other. Pandora might have been a little more intellectual socially if that could’ve been said about a person, whereas Lily was very forward but didn't still express her deepest thoughts out loud. Pandora did so, but she didn't seem to have anything rude on the tip of her tongue, ever.

As Lily and Pandora returned with the empty crate to Madam Pince’s desk where she was apparently going through some paperwork, she greeted them again with contentment. Pince thanked them profusely and told how the boys were probably done too. Therefore Lily and Pandora decided to say their farewells to Pince and walk to where Severus and Regulus had started their own book sorting project. They weren’t particularly hard to find; both of the boys were leaning onto the crate, not doing anything else than just staring out of the nearly floor length library window.

“What’re you two doing?” Lily asked with a small chuckle erupting from her throat.

Both of the boys turned to look at her and Pandora as they walked closer to them. Severus formed a small expression on his face which was meant to be interpreted as a smile, but Regulus simply glared. Most of the time he just glared at Lily. Or glanced briefly.

“We already went through them all,” Severus replied finally, taking his leave and coming to Lily’s side.

“Well, return the crate and leave then,” she laughed, though she hadn’t meant to. “Sorry, it’s just funny how silly you can be.”

“Noted,” Severus said, his face barely readable.

“I can return it”, Regulus said then suddenly, making everyone turn their eyes at him. “You all can go.”

Severus nodded at him. “Thanks.”

Regulus shrugged and took it up to propel the crate back to the vicinity of the front desk. As he was about to leave the aisle the prefects were standing in, Pandora leaped after him. “Reg, wait! I’ll come with you.”

Lily watched as Regulus and Pandora disappeared out of her sight together before turning to look at her friend. “Shall we go? I still need to finish my chemistry homework tonight?”

“Yeah,” Severus agreed, and they began their journey towards the dorms. “You can lend my notes if you’d like to.”

Lily smiled at him. “I would very much, thanks.”

Severus smiled back, though one could’ve called it a grimace.

The walk to the dorms that were located on the third and fourth floors was quiet, but Lily didn't mind at all. In fact, she quite enjoyed the tranquility that she could experience around Severus since Mary was the perfect picture of noise and that way Lily became a part of the loudness. Moreover, Severus was also her childhood best friend, which meant Lily was used to his company so much she didn't feel the need to make conversation if she didn't want to. It was easy to be around Severus. He wasn't normally very talkative, but when he was, they were usually somewhere where only the two of them could hear each other. Severus valued privacy, and Lily valued his company.

One of the most popular topics of Lily’s and Petunia’s arguments was in fact Severus and the time Lily was spending with him instead of her family. It didn't bother her parents at all that she was out with him on pretty summer days, but for some reason, Petunia was always pissed about it. Lily was quite sure she simply didn't like Snape—Petunia had never talked more than a few sentences with him so how could she possibly know anything about him based on those few words?

Lily hated altogether how everyone around her seemed to underestimate Severus. He was not the bad person everyone made him out to be, and Lily did nothing but defend his honour. Severus was bothered by it naturally, but he wasn't very keen on discussing it with Lily, so she tried to talk about it only if things were really bad. They rarely were, but there had been some concerning situations. One of the many reasons Lily would never touch James Potter, even with her little finger: he was a bloody bully who felt no empathy whatsoever towards Severus.

***

Saturday, October 26th, 1975

“Come on, Lils, Roman’s probably already started warming up,” Mary urged, taking a grip Lily’s shoulder and shaking her from behind, jumping then ahead of her.

“Eugh,” Lily grimaced. “You wanna see him warm up?”

“Oh, definitely,” Mary sighed, a dreamy look covering her face. The two girls were walking towards the football field where Mary’s new boyfriend, Roman, was at practice currently. “It’s one of the hottest things football players do! Y’know, when they stretch, run around the field and kick the ball around just by themselves?”

“Yeah, I know how warmups work,” Lily declared, rolling her eyes.

The only reason Lily had agreed to come with Mary was because she had begged so hard Lily had wanted her dormmate to simply shut up. Now it seemed like there would never be such a thing as Mary being quiet. Lily didn't mind sitting at the stands and talking with friends, but everytime she was with Mary, they ended up talking about boys and it wasn't a huge passion of Lilys. In fact, it wasn't a passion at all to her. Luckily now that Marlene had joined the practice more frequently, Lily could always tell herself she was there for Marlene and cheer on her instead of Mary’s new boyfriends.

“Look, there's Remus and Peter, let's go sit with them!” Mary exclaimed joyously as they approached the stands.

Lily didn't have room to protest about their placement of sitting, but Remus and Peter were both alright so she was okay with it. Remus and Lily were quite friendly in point of fact so she decided she could always talk to him if Mary got too lovestruck throughout the practice.

“Hello, boys,” Mary greeted as she sat down, leaving a space for Lily to go next to Remus.

“Hey,” Remus said, raising his head from the book he was reading. Peter just nodded, his eyes trailing instantly back to the football field where the players were warming up as Mary had previously said.

“What’re you reading, Rem?” Lily asked since Mary made herself busy immediately, watching her tall, brunette year 12 boyfriend run around the field.

“Just this history book,” he replied, showing the cover to Lily which contained a drawing of some man she didn't recognise. “Been working on it for over a week since it’s written in old English, Spanish and French.”

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. “That's… interesting.”

Remus probably noticed the confusion on her face. “Yeah, well, Binns recommended it and I'll probably write a paper ‘bout it for extra credit.”

“Jesus, I forgot how devoted you are to history,” Lily chuckled, her mind going back a few days to when she had been in the library with Severus, Regulus and Pandora, sorting through the returned books. At first it had truly been a strange occurrence, but now Lily was very glad McGonagall had put the four of them together. Lily had learned that she liked Pandora's company, which was a good thing since they shared some classes and Lily lacked a partner in some of those since none of her close friends took them.

Hogwarts was small, even for a boarding school, and Lily knew literally everybody by name and face, but to this day, she had definitely not talked with everyone. She kind of wished she had or could, because there was not a maximum amount of friends and acquaintances one could have. Lily sometimes wondered how many cool and congenial people she had missed only because she hadn’t had a chance to talk with them.

“Remus, what d’you think of Sirius’ brother and Pandora Rosier?” Lily questioned, sort of surprising herself with it. She was used to saying out loud the things that came to her mind right away, but by the bedazzlement in Remus’ eyes, Lily didn't know if this one had been a particularly good question.

“Why’re you asking?” he replied, but didn't seem too judgmental.

“I just– Well, I was with them on prefect duty a few days ago and Pandora was very nice,” Lily explained though it didn't give any insight on why she was actually asking. That she didn't even know herself.

Remus simply shrugged as he did quite often. “I haven't really talked to either of ‘em. I s’pose Pandora's okay, and Regulus is kinda a mystery—can't trust what Sirius says about him.”

“Yeah, okay,” Lily murmured, more to herself than to Remus who eventually went back to reading his book as Lily drifted back into her thoughts.

Perhaps Remus’ opinions weren't the most important, but throughout the years of knowing him, Lily had learned a great respect for things he had to say. Remus was smart in an effortless way—not quite like Sirius Black who had straight A’s but had probably never revised for an exam in his life or like James Potter who never did homework but talked himself out of the consequences of that every single time. The thing that drew Lily to Remus’ cleverness might have been that he wasn't any kind of a show-off. Okay, maybe in history class, but anywhere else Remus was simply Remus; he knew the answer to everything, but usually chose not to tell it to an audience if it wasn't worth it. Bloody hell, he was reading a book written in old English and 2 other foreign languages, but was very discreet about it.

Now that Lily thought about it, the effortless smartness of Remus was probably one of the reasons he was the only guy Lily had ever had a romantic fondness for. Not anymore obviously, but a year back Lily had fancied Remus so vagantly as most girls fancied Sirius. Last year they had also begun spending time together studying et cetera, so to this day Lily wondered how Remus had never noticed the way she had looked at him, talked to him and sent subtle hints. Lily was glad though that it had never become anything more, because she certainly didn't need any distractions. School was extremely important at this age, and Lily didn't take it lightly unlike her dear friend Mary, who was admiring her rather ugly—if one dared to say—boyfriend on the football field at the moment.

Lily watched as Roman passed the ball to another year 12 boy and they moved together across the field, making more passes to each other whilst. Mary was clearly in awe, which made Lily want to gag. Luckily, or perhaps rather unluckily, she was distracted by the team captain who took the ball and ran up to the goal, kicking it to hit the net perfectly in the middle. James Potter was despisable, but Lily couldn’t help her eyes as they followed the Indian boy’s celebration jog around the field. He was good-looking, which she had to give to him, but it was so desperate of him how many times he had asked Lily out only in the last couple of months. And Lily could absolutely not go out with James Potter. That's just the way it was.

“Y’know James has been talking ‘bout the spring’s championship for months and I’m so ready for the Hogwarts team to finally win the bloody trophy,” Remus started talking suddenly as if he had been reading Lily’s mind all along.

It made her blush a little, but she did her best to hide it.

“I’m 90 percent sure we’ll win,” Peter, who had been quiet the whole time, interfened.

“The way James’s been blabbing about it, yeah,” Remus agreed, scratching his head. “He’s so… ambitious.”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “Okay.”

Fortunately Mary interrupted the conversation, because Lily truly didn't need to hear any more about James. “Where’s Sirius, by the way?”

Remus didn't look too surprised that Mary was asking. “Shagging a girl probably. Or thinking about shagging one in our dorm.”

“Ew, gross,” Lily scoffed. She really hadn’t needed to hear that.

“Oh, so the classics,” Mary said, unfazed by Remus’ blunt observations. “I might come by later so tell him to stay put for the evening.”

Lily turned to look at her friend, confusement filling her face. “And what are you going by for? Don't you have a bloody boyfriend, right there on the field?”

“Yeah,” Mary replied, stretching out her vowels. “I might break up with Roman, though. He’s kinda boring.”

“Dear God, you've been dating for five days,” Lily sighed, adjusting the position she was sitting in.

“Yeah, it's been quite enough,” Mary said shamelessly. “Besides I miss Sirius—he’s much more interesting than anyone else I've been seeing.”

“Well, he’d probably like your company too more than I'm able to express,” Remus said as politely as he could, not trying to sound as improper as he meant it.

“Good to hear,” Mary smirked, then turning her eyes back to the game. “Would it be wrong if I didn't dump Roman quite yet but would still go to see Sirius?”

“No.”

“Yes, what the fuck?”

Remus looked like he had said nothing wrong but Lily was quite taken by the common sense both of her friends didn't seem to share.

“I mean, morally yes but in my opinion No,” Remus then elaborated, not really making a difference.

“Yes, either way,” Lily said on her behalf. “But since I know that's nothing new for you, do what you do, and don’t tell me, please.”

“I won't kiss and tell,” Mary replied playfully, grinning from ear to ear. That only confirmed to Lily what her dormmate was going to do later tonight, but she didn't dare to say anything else about it. Mary could do just as she saw fit.

And usually when Mary did as she thought was fit, chaos arose. She definitely did kiss, but most of the time she also told—Mary had a lousy mouth, especially when she was drunk. That was something Lily had experienced only once, but she had got a better taste of it than anyone else. After all, the bond between two girls was stronger and more impactful than any other relationship.

Chapter Text

Friday, October 31st, 1975

“How the fuck did you convince Mary and Marlene to do this?” James groaned, giving a disgusted look to the mirror in front of him.

“It was easy!” Sirius beamed, although he looked as ridiculous as James, possibly even more. “You see, when a girl is head over heels for you, she’s very easy to convince.”

“What are you implying?”

“Oh, nothing at all.”

Sirius threw a smirk into James’ direction, which made James want to choke his best friend until he wasn’t breathing anymore.

“This isn't even a prank anymore!” James complained, looking into the mirror again only to see his bare legs revealed by the skirt Marlene had so kindly lended. And to make matters worse, James was also wearing her button up shirt, which was noticeably smaller than his own. He looked bloody ridiculous. “This is a humiliation and violation of school rules, meaning we’ll get detention, again.”

Sirius, who was wearing the same pieces of clothing, but from Mary’s wardrobe, turned to look at James as if he had said something absurd and illegal. “If I'm doing this, so are you—and so are the girls, by the way.”

“Really?” James groaned again. “You mean, I’m gonna see Marlene with my clothes on in a few minutes?”

“Yeah, what else would she wear?”

“Backups, mate.”

“Oh, right.”

Sirius had a completely careless look on his face, which made James want to throw up. He wasn't being dramatic—Sirius was the dramatic one—but it was Halloween, and he could’ve dressed up as a superhero or something, but instead he was wearing the girls’ school uniform. Lily was going to laugh at James and probably remember this for the rest of her life.

And what would his mother think if she saw him?!

“If it helps, your arms look pretty nice in that blouse”, Remus commented, voice raspy and tired. He hadn’t even stood up from his bed yet, still tightly tucked into his warm blanket, observing James’ and Sirius’ as they were dressing up.

“Do they?” James turned to look into the mirror again and flexed his arms. Perhaps they did look pretty nice—maybe Lily would notice that.

“Dashing, Prongs”, Sirius grinned, patting James on the shoulder before disappearing into the dorm bathroom.

“I think you’ll get to skip classes for that”, Remus said then, this time sitting up, his hair all messed up and rubbing his eyes. “McGonagall’s not gonna let those bare legs slide.”

“True”, James deduced. “How many hours of detention do you think we’ll get?”

“Solid three days, starting next Monday.”

“I’d say five ‘cause McGonagall’s already pissed off about the stupid bullshit every other student’s probably done today,” Peter interrupted, just now returning from the dorm kitchen.

“I’ll miss training again!” James wailed, backing up to his own bed and collapsing onto his back. “I’m the bloody captain, I can't not be there!”

At that, the bathroom door opened, and Sirius peeked from behind it, a toothbrush in his mouth and toothpaste foam all over his lips and chin. “You're so fucking negative!” Sirius complained, rolling his eyes. “Embarrassing is the new scary, Prongs!”

“So you think this is the greatest idea of the century?” James questioned in despair.

“No,” Sirius mumbled, finally taking the toothbrush out of his mouth. “I think my band idea was the greatest of the century, but this way you can be like hundred percent sure Lily is going to notice you. I mean, how could she not when you're wearing her best mate’s clothes?”

Remus sighed heavily, which was probably a sign that he disagreed with Sirius. They rarely had a shared opinion, and it pained James, probably Peter too, every single day.

“Are you sure?” James asked Sirius, sitting up and not feeling so horrible anymore.

“Of course,” Sirius replied, doing that smirk that was so typical for him. “I wouldn't speak if I wasn't sure.”

Remus clicked his tongue, eyes still following the letters on the page he was currently reading, and Sirius threw an annoyed look in his direction. James didn't want to pay attention to his dormmates' stupid, playful rivalry; he was going to make Lily Evans finally notice him. For years, she had dismissed James’ whole existence, which bothered him to the core. He wished she would take a closer look and see what a good match they would be. James might have not been perfect, but to be honest, he was overly handsome and very caring. And Lily was a bloody goddess—she was all James had dreamt about for what felt like an eternity.

If making Lily finally see James took him wearing the girls’ school uniform, that was something he was definitely willing to do.

After all, embarrassing was the new scary, right?

***

James had very successfully caught Lily Evans’ attention, but unfortunately he hadn’t captured her heart, which made him want to bang his head onto a wall and jump in joy at the same time.

The moment James and Sirius had stepped out of their dorm this morning, James had regretted his decision to pull a prank like this, but Sirius however had worn his skirt with pride. As the two of them (four actually, as Remus and Peter had accompanied them) had entered the House Nicolas common room, there had been some unapproving and confused looks, but when Sirius in his natural spirit had announced to everyone happy Halloween‘, the room had filled with laughter in a matter of seconds. Not the mocking kind, more like the ‘you're bloody hilarious’ kind. Some year 12’s had told James how he should show off those legs more, and he had laughed. The prank was all fun and games, until their first class—math.

The Hogwarts math teacher, an older man called Mr. Williams, hadn’t been too glad to see two of his male students dressed as girls, but he hadn’t said anything either. Mary and Marlene had come in late, dressed in James’ and Sirius’ clothes, which had caused Mr. Williams’ to pause in the middle of class. As the two girls sat next to Lily, she looked rather baffled, then turning to glance at James and Sirius, rolling her eyes at them. James swore he had seen a glimpse of amusement in her eyes, which was wonderful.

Everything had been perfect—Sirius had gotten the attention from girls, which he had been looking forward to and James had caught Lily’s eye—until the stupid, arrogant House Gellert boy, Mulciber, had ruined it by stopping the two best friends in the science hallway. Oh, how James loathed him. He wished Mulciber would crawl back into the nasty hole he had come out of in the first place. Mulciber was just like his friends; he was dormmates with Snivellus and Avery.

It had been crowded in the hallway, students flowing from every direction after their classes had ended, and Mulciber had spat on Sirius’ feet as he and James had headed downstairs, towards the great hall. Remus and Peter had followed them close behind, quickly enough to see the scene escalate. After a few seconds of staring Sirius and James from head to toe, the despicable Mulciber had opened his mouth and said: “why’re you two dressed like bloody queers? It’s disgusting, though I should've already guessed that ‘bout you, Black. That hair—it’s not for girls, isn't–”

Right then, Mulciber had been cut off by Remus. Or more like Remus’ fist as he had stepped in front of James, swaying his closed up hand right to Mulciber’s nose. James had been so shocked, he had stood there, mouth open and eyes wide, but Sirius had started laughing like a menace, and Peter had gasped quite loudly. Mulciber had stumbled onto his arse and to the floor, blood dripping out of his nose, and people stepping onto his hands as he had been in the middle of the student traffic. Only a few had seen the incident between Mulciber and the dorm 11A boys, including Lily, Mary, Marlene and Snivellus. God, James hoped Snape wouldn't snitch to the teachers, but oh dear, how he wouldn't change a thing about what had happened. The way Remus had punched Mulciber had been so satisfying and… hot?

After the realisation that Remus could get more than a good amount of detention for what he had done, the boys had fled the crime scene, everyone laughing mischievously, except Peter who had still looked absolutely horrified. Sirius had forcibly hugged Remus who had been rather uncomfortable with the idea, and James had tapped him on the shoulder for the sake of that. Regardless, Remus was now a bloody hero.

“When did you even learn how to punch someone?” Sirius asked, shoving meatloaf into his mouth, and watching Remus who was sitting across him.

The taller boy shrugged. “S’not that hard, you just gotta point your thumb up and pinky finger down. And not break any fingers.”

Sirius looked amazed by the brief explanation Remus gave him, and James completely understood. He had no clue how Remus had done it, but he knew it had been brilliant.

“But that was, like, dangerous?” Peter asked in turn. He still looked a bit startled. “I mean, you could’ve broken Mulciber’s nose or your thumb or something, right?”

Peter was picking at his food as Remus turned to look at him. James wondered whether Peter had ever seen someone get hit before. Probably not, but James didn't know if he had ever seen a punch like that either.

“Broken bone’s not the end of the world,” Remus replied. He was already on his second plate, devouring the school lunch like it was a baquet.

“It’d be great if Mulciber’s nose was actually broken!” Sirius exclaimed, a wide grin climbing onto his face once again. “I’d love to laugh at his face every time I see it from now on.”

“Do you think he’ll go to Pomfrey and tell her what happened?” James decided to ask. “I mean, I guess Moony’s already kinda fucked since Snivellus saw what happened.”

At that Remus stopped eating, shifting his gaze to James. “Snape was there?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuckin’ git.”

“I mean, I’m not sure, I lost sight when Mulciber fell so…” James pointed out but silenced himself as he saw who was approaching the table: Lily Evans.

“Hiya, boys!” Mary greeted happily, sitting next to Sirius and nudging his side. In return, Sirius smirked and fixed his eyes on Mary’s own, giving her a cheeky air kiss.

“Is It bad that I’d pay money to see you attack Mulciber again?” Marlene asked, lips curved into a smile as she sat down too.

Lily did as her two other friends had, taking a place next to no other than James, who was watching her, astonished and totally distracted. Suddenly, the distance between them felt unreal, and James had to double check if the Lily he saw was actually Lily Evans.

“No, I’d pay for that shit too,” Sirius answered, winking at Remus who rolled his eyes.

“Me too,” James agreed.

“I won’t do it any time soon—someone’ll rat me out for being violent.”

Lily intervened this time, stabbing the meatloaf on her plate with a fork. “Good, I can't stand violence as a solution—even if Mulciber’s the target.”

“Have some fun, Lils,” Mary said. She had taken a seat very close to Sirius, almost leaning onto his chest. It looked a little silly, since they were still wearing each other's clothes. James had almost forgotten the tight feeling around his chest and his bare legs Marlene's school uniform put on display. “It’s not that serious! Besides, did you hear what he said?”

“Yeah, it was pretty nasty.”

“Not even pretty nasty, just straight up vicious,” Marlene said, shaking her head in disappointment.

“Was it still righteous for him to get punched?” Peter asked, still seeming unsure how to feel.

“Yes,” came simultaneously from at least five mouths.

Peter just nodded, clearly agreeing with everyone else for that matter, even though he didn't look very enthusiastic about it. Fortunately, his enthusiasm was uplifted as Camila approached the long table, a tray in her hands and a smile on her lips.

“Hey, Pete,” she greeted cheerfully and kissed Peter on the cheek. James didn't know how to feel about it—it was unfair that Peter got kissed on the cheek and he didn't.

“Hey,” he replied, making more space for Camila to sit down.

“Oh, I'm just passing by,” she noted sweetly, taking a look at the entire group who had gone quiet as she had come into their vicinity. “I wanted to know if you lot were doing something tonight? Pete here mentioned something ‘bout a bonfire.”

“Oh, that!” Sirius exclaimed eagerly. “You're totally invited! We’re having a bonfire at the lake, probably at like eight.”

“Do we have the drinks…?” James asked, trying not to attract any attention.

“Oh, Jesus, tomorrow’s gonna suck!” Lily groaned, leaning back and letting out a sigh.

“Well, you're not forced to drink or anything,” Mary pointed out, raising her brows at Lily.

“Oh, but I will.”

James was a bit surprised by that.

“I only have two bottles,” Remus answered finally, casting a questioning look at James.

“I can bring one more,” Camila offered then, smiling kindly at Remus who just nodded approvingly.

“Moony, where the fuck did you get two bottles of liquoir on a day’s notice?” Sirius then asked, making Mary and Marlene both giggle.

“I’m a magician,” Remus replied sarcastically, face deadpan.

“Funny, ha-ha.”

The silence after Sirius’ fake laugh wasn't long—it never was when all of them were at the same location.

“Nice sucker-punch, by the way,” Camila said, giving an appreciative nod to Remus. “Mulciber totally earned it.”

A staggered expression conquered Remus’ face and he looked around the great hall. Now James noticed that every student who walked past them was watching Remus, either furious, or giggling and admiring him. Some Year 10 girls had even stopped a few metres away from their table, standing in a group and looking over their shoulders in turn, just to glance at Remus.

“Does the whole bloody school know?” Remus sighed and buried his face into his hands.

“Pretty much,” Camila replied and shrugged, kissing Peter's cheek for the second time. “I'll see you this evening.”

“Yeah, see ya, Cam.”

Peter watched as Camila left the table, making her way to the other House Agatha girls she was friends with, and everyone's attention was fixated on Remus again. He looked uncomfortable, making Sirius grin widely and Mary smile nearly as vastly.

“If one of you blabbed, I'm gonna murder you in your sleep and frame Mulciber,” Remus stated, taking a good look at everyone at the table.

Both Sirius and Mary burst into laughter, and James couldn’t help it but smile at Remus’ frustration. He hated attention, especially if he was in the midst of it.

“Moony doesn't like teenage girls,” Sirius clarified, making Remus flip him off.

“Moony doesn't like anyone,” James corrected.

“But Prongs, he loves us!”

“He wishes we’d participate in a threeway!”

Now Remus was showing the bird with both of his hands, aiming his middle fingers separately into Sirius’ and James’ directions.

***

“Do you think we did it right?” James asked worriedly, as he threw a few more branches into the flaming bonfire they had (hopefully) managed to set on the beach. Peter had basically taken charge, because his family went camping sometimes, but James was still unsure whether theirs would cause a forest fire or not.

“We’re all alive, aren't we?” Sirius asked, arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing that old black leather jacket again, blue jeans, and grey mittens that could’ve just as well been Mary’s. Remus, who was standing next to Sirius, rolled his eyes. He was dressed quite warmly, too.

“Not for long if that thing burns us alive,” James protested, deciding to back away from the fire.

“It won’t,” Peter reassured. He was already sitting down with Camila on the branchless tree trunk surrounding the bonfire.

“You're too confident, Pete,” James stated, taking a seat next to him. Sirius and Remus joined them too, sitting on the second tree trunk at a 90-degree angle from the other one.

“Does it help if I tell you sand won’t burn?” Camila said gently.

“It doesn't?”

“No, unless you spill something flammable on it.”

“Like alcohol,” Sirius commented with a huge smirk, making James question his life choices.

“Stop scaring Prongs, he’ll go crazy and accidentally set you on fire,” Remus said flatly.

Sirius seemed to consider that carefully, but James was quite offended. “I would never!”

“You so would,” Peter disagreed.

To save the situation that was about to escalate into an evening-lasting argument, James noticed the three missing girls approaching the bonfire from the forest path. Mary was swinging her hands in the air, a happy expression on her face and curls bouncing around her. Both she and Marlene had warm-looking red jumpers on, whereas Marlene had blue bell-bottom jeans, Mary wore orange wide-leg trousers. Lily, on the other hand—oh, how beautiful she looked again—was dressed in a big denim jacket and jeans to match. Her auburn hair lit up sublimely from the reddish colour of the bonfire, and it felt like her green eyes gleamed in the dark as she glanced at James.

“When will you ever be on time, MacDonald?” Sirius asked, smirking at Mary as she took a seat next to him, immediately throwing her legs over Sirius’ own. Marlene sat on Mary’s other side and therefore submitted to be a chair for her friend. A place for Lily was left in between Remus and James, and James didn't find one reason to complain as the bloody love of his life sat next to him.

“Better late than never,” Mary declared, playfully poking Sirius’ face with her ring finger.

“How did you successfully manage to set a bonfire?” Lily asked, a nuance of amusement in her voice.

“Peter,” Remus replied, pointing at the sandy haired boy who seemed a little embarrassed by that.

“Well thank God for him,” Lily chuckled, making Peter flustered.

“Yeah, James here was ‘bout to go rogue ‘cause he thinks we’ll burn alive,” Remus continued, making James groan painfully.

“Let me live!”

Lily just chuckled, turning to look at James. “That's a little endearing.”

Her smile was comforting, and she was sitting so close to James he was quite sure he could have counted all the freckles on Lily’s face. She had a lot, but they suited her. The freckles always got more prominent after summer, but now they would start fading again.

“So, where are our drinks?” Mary asked, sweeping the entire spot with her eyes. “I need to get drunk before I get funny!”

“You never get that funny,” Sirius pointed out, probably referring to his bloody spectacular humour. James couldn’t blame him though—they were just the same.

“Here,” Remus grunted, turning around on the tree trunk and pulling out two bottles of vodka and one of whiskey from behind his back. Mary took the Absolut bottle from Remus’ hand, opening the cork carelessly and taking a big sip out of the bottle neck.

“So we really don't have any mixers?” James asked, already feeling the alcohol burn in his throat even though he hadn’t taken a drop from any of the bottles.

“You can always add some lake water into it,” Sirius smirked, taking the bottle from Mary and chugging some liquor down his throat.

“Your hangovers are the easiest, you don't get to complain,” Remus muttered, opening the whiskey bottle for him to drink.

“They are?”

“You can move and put the lights on. Oh, and you can eat like a normal person,” Remus listed.

“And you can listen to people without your ears hurting,” Peter added.

“And you're fucking happy,” Sirius finished.

James didn't know his friends’ experiences of a hangover could be even worse than his. “I just thought all the ‘don't open the blinds, my eyes hurt’ and ‘I can't eat breakfast’ were total bullshit you lot made up,” he admitted.

“You're bloody clueless, mate,” Sirius affirmed amusedly.

James shrugged. “Now I’m kinda happy I don't have to deal with losing my appetite.”

“Oi, shut up ‘bout it, would ya?” Remus asked, clearly jealous of the seriousness level of James’ hangovers.

“I feel like you haven't seen Lily in the mornings when she's drunk the night before,” Marlene said then, making Lily reach just enough to be able to kick her in the leg. “Ouch, that hurt!”

“Oh, she’s monstrous,” Mary agreed, grinning from ear to ear.

“My hangovers shall not be discussed here,” Lily stated like they were a government secret.

“What’re you hiding, Evans?” Sirius wondered jokingly. “Bad morning breath? Throwing up and passing out in the toilet—’cause we’ve all been there.”

“No, we haven't,” Peter cut in. “Just you and Moony.”

Sirius and Remus both looked like they were deeply offended.

“It’s always Sirius!”

“I swear on my life you once slept in our toilet, Pete!”

Camila started giggling all of a sudden, and Peter cast a confused look at her girlfriend. “What?”

“The last day of last year,” Camila replied through her laughing. She was covering her mouth with her hand and leaning over to hold her stomach with the another.

At that Peter seemed to remember something and he covered his face with his palms, making Camila laugh even harder. James realised they all had got extremely hammered on the last day of school last spring, but now that he though of it, he didn't remember Peter being there for the rest of the night. In fact, James could only recall the first hour or two after they had started drinking, but it wasn't all that relevant. However he did remember how Remus and Sirius had thought it would be a wonderful idea to hang Sirius out of the window with James and Remus only holding his ankles—very fortunately they hadn’t dropped him, but dear God if they had. Sirius had said it had felt like flying, only he hadn’t been able to actually move anywhere.

“Go on, tell us, I wanna hear Wormy’s most embarrassing drunk story!” Sirius urged, clearly eager to hear Peter’s humiliation.

“You're Satan’s spawn,” Peter said, taking a big sip out of the other vodka bottle.

When Camila had managed to tame down her giggling, she turned to face Sirius and began explaining the reason for her entertainment. “So, I was just in my dorm with my roommates, Sherry and Philippa, and we heard knocking and I assumed it was like another girl from House Agatha, but surprise, it was Peter. He was so pissed I thought we’d have to take him to Pomfrey, but he just started talking and all—told me how much he loved me. I thought it was so sweet. I couldn’t possibly drag him to the hospital wing after that so I just let him hang in our dorm until he went to throw up. After that we saw him the next morning, he’d totally fallen asleep on the floor but you still haven't admitted to it.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I definitely climbed into the bathtub before falling asleep.”

“You so didn't—it would’ve smelled way worse the morning after.”

By the time Camila was finished with her story, everyone was laughing, even if just a bit. James had to say that Peter was a lousy drunk when he drank too much. Usually, Peter was the caretaker—not that he actually took care of the others, but he observed so that they wouldn't end up dead. Sirius’ recklessness doubled when there was alcohol in his system, Remus got either miserable or so fucking ecstatic it was exhausting and James, well, he didn't really know what sort of drunk he was. He had always assumed he was the normal kind: did some stupid shit, said unhinged stuff and regretted everything the next morning.

After a while of silence, Mary opened her mouth and asked the all time classic question that got Remus to groan like he was physically suffering; “Hey, can we play truth or dare?”

“Fuck no,” Remus protested.

Everyone else said yes. That meant Remus was left with an expression of agony, and everybody else took the game as a cue to take at least a few more sips of booze. In the end, Remus drank more whiskey too. James deduced Remus liked the game better drunk than sober—he couldn’t concentrate as strictly when he was wasted.

“Okay, I’ll start,” Mary announced happily. She loved all these kind of childish, laughable games that everybody still agreed to play. “Marls, truth or dare?”

“Why me?” Marlene whined and pursed her lips. “You know, I never pick dare anyway, so, truth.”

“You're so boring,” Mary sighed but with a smile on her lips. “So, why’ve you joined football practice all of a sudden? Is there perhaps a boy who’s–”

“Okay stop right there, you only get one question,” Marlene interrupted her dormmate. “And I joined because, as you know Mary, I've always loved football, and now that James is captain, I had a good opportunity.”

Marlene threw a grateful smile at James and he returned it as well as he could. He felt good, knowing that Marlene had felt he was a safe person to ask about joining the practice.

“That's so boring,” Mary stated, and Sirius started stroking her hair playfully. Remus cast an unreadable look into their direction.

“Okay, my turn,” Marlene clapped her hands on her thighs. “Lily, truth or dare?”

Lily’s expression told everyone that she hadn’t really wanted Marlene to ask her. “I'll take truth”, she replied reluctantly.

For a while Marlene seemed to think what she would ask Lily who clearly took a sip of whiskey to make her turn more bearable. Secretly, extremely secretly, James prayed Marlene would question something related to him so he could get ahold of Lily’s feelings, without asking her directly.

“How many guys in Hogwarts have you ever had a crush on?”

Lily blushed as Marlene was finally out with her question, taking the liquor bottle to cover her face. All of a sudden, Mary started laughing, which made everyone else give her suspicious glances.

“Two,” Lily managed to blurt out.

“Oi, Prongs, you've got competition!” Sirius shouted, making James flustered and itchy all over.

“Oh, how scandalous,” Camila whispered to Peter jokingly.

Who could Lily have had a crush on in Hogwarts?

Oh dear, hopefully not Snivellus. James’ face twisted into disgust as a thought of that occurred to him, which made it look like he was nauseated by Lily’s romantic feelings.

“Yes, well, now it’s my turn,” Lily smiled, like she was very proud of herself, turning to face Remus whose enthusiasm for the game dropped by half (if it was even possible to go to negative numbers). “Remus, truth or dare?”

“Well, I’m not gonna kiss Mary so truth,” he replied, making Mary scoff. “Kissing me is awesome, you’ll try it some time, want it or not.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I wasn't gonna dare you to kiss Mary, that's so last year.”

“Rude!”

Sirius patted Mary’s shoulder comfortingly, but a smug grin arising onto his mouth. “It’s okay, MacDonald, I'll kiss you anytime you want.”

“Why thank you, Black,” Mary smirked back.

“Stop it you two,” Lily scoffed, turning to face Remus again smugly. “So, Remus, out of everyone around the fire, who would you rather snog for a minute straight?”

James laughed because he knew Remus definitely didn't want to answer that. Sirius was chuckling too and Peter looked rather amused. Remus’ face told everyone that he was in internal pain.

“Alright, I'm thinking logically,” Remus sighed then, “Marlene.”

The expression on Marlene's face signaled that she was stunned to hear that. “Why me?”

“‘Cause if I kissed Lily, James would probably attack me, Mary’s too… Mary, and again, if I kissed Camila, Peter would be furious,” Remus explained, looking quite uncomfortable.

“What, you wouldn't like to kiss me?” Sirius asked, biting his lip while smirking at Remus who shook his head. “No, I absolutely fucking wouldn't.”

“Prongs, did you hear that, Moony thinks I’m unattractive?!” Sirius cried out, making James cackle.

“Too bad, Pads, I’d still kiss you!”

“Oh, how I love you, Potter!”

“Love ya too, Black!”

“Okay, maybe that's enough of that,” Lily interrupted, giving both James and Sirius a strange look, which made James’ stomach flip and his eyes follow Lily again. “Rem, your turn,” she continued, using a nickname, which didn't sit right with James.

How come Remus got a nickname and he didn't even get a ‘hello’ in the morning?

“My turn, amazing,” Remus smiled then threateningly, turning around on his seat. “Sirius, truth or dare?”

“You know the answer to that,” Sirius replied, still grinning like an idiot.

“Yeah, I do.” Remus looked thoughtful, or at least he pretended to. “I dare you to whittle yourself a stake on which you can burn alive on.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius sighed. “I’d rather shove that stake up your arse, any chance I could do that instead?”

And the game continued on exactly like Remus had set it by saying that to Sirius—cruel and full of backhanded things nobody wanted to ask out loud or make the other do. Honestly, that was the whole meaning of truth and dare but at the point where Peter had been forced to take off his trousers, Camila asked how many blowjobs she had given Peter throughout their relationship, James dared to drink vodka mixed with Sirius’ spit and Remus asked some very outrageous questions (by Sirius of course) James wanted it to end. It was clear by now that Mary enjoyed seeing her friends suffer, because otherwise she wouldn't initiate this bloody game every single time.

The game wouldn't end though, not when Sirius was still waiting for Remus to say ‘dare’ for one bloody time. Everytime it was Sirius’ turn, he asked Remus and waited cunningly for the word ‘truth’ to suddenly turn into ‘dare’. It never happened, because Remus hated dares, and everybody knew that. Remus hated truths too, but not nearly as much as dares.

It surprised James a little when Sirius finally gave up on trying to telepathically change Remus’ mind and asked him instead. “Prongs, truth or dare?”

“Me?” James repeated, voice befuddled.

By now, everyone around the bonfire was very drunk, and James deduced he was the most smashed of all. Otherwise he wouldn't have felt so fucking fantastic and terrible at the same time.

“Yeah, you. Tosser”, Sirius sighed.

“Hey!” James exclaimed and flailed his hands in the air, the empty Absolut bottle moving with them. “No name calling!” His voice was blurry and sounded strange even to his own ears.

“Okay, dude, we know you're drunk as hell but could you answer? Truth or dare?” Sirius asked for the second time, making James groan out loud like the question made him hurt.

“Yeah, mate, y’know what,” James began muddledly, “dare!”

Something in Sirius’ appearance changed, perhaps he seemed rather happy about James’ reply.

“Don't you dare make him do anything stupid or we’re all in for a ride,” Lily said in a pellucid manner although she wasn’t very sober either.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Sirius shushed her off, turning to look at James who was patiently waiting for his dare. “Prongs, I dare you to go for a swim from the plank.”

“Absolutely not, he’ll drown!” Lily protested.

“We’re all so going to get detention,” Remus mumbled.

“No worries, guys, m’gonna be just great!” James announced, standing up from the tree trunk and almost falling down, just like in Honeydukes a while ago. Lily gave him a concerned look, which only made James smile harder. “Don't pretend you don’t secretly fancy me, Evans! The eyes never lie, do they?”

Lily seemed quite startled by James’ words, but she just sat still while everyone else stood up, clearly getting ready to see whether James would jump into the chilly lake. Of course he would; Sirius and Remus were probably the only ones actually aware that James was going to jump from the plank into the water, exactly like Sirius had dared. He got foolhardy when drunk, but that was alright. Totally alright!

“Ladies and gentlemen, follow James Potter!” Sirius shouted like he was McGonagall at the start of the school year, trying to direct the first year students into the right place.

James began walking towards the shoreline, Sirius glued to his side, singing a song with Mary in harmony that James couldn’t recognise through his blood alcohol level. Lily and Marlene were talking, trying to desperately include the miserable-drunk Remus in the conversation, who dismissed their every attempt by simply answering with ‘hmph’. Peter and Camila were together in another world that involved lots of wet kisses and sentences that made even James want to puke, which was quite rare. He was very corny himself and nothing but aware of it.

As the group of drunken teenagers arrived at their destination, James stopped in his tracks and counted the probability of him staying alive. Math was definitely his strongest subject, but this equation was really hard. James couldn’t figure out if there were hidden stones in the lake or if the water was too shallow—the night was so dark, and when Lily and Marlene silence themselves, James could only hear the waves splashing against the solid rock beneath the wooden plank.

The plank was actually two wide pieces of wood, built above the lake with posts supporting them. It wasn't as narrow as it felt, and it wasn't even so high up—you could easily reach out from the water and climb back up. Many students knew about the spot and during James’ first year at Hogwarts he remembered how all the upper years had threatened to throw their friends to the lake from the plank when they had argued. It was basically a school inside joke and now James was about to be a part of it.

“C’mon, Prongs, let's get over with it,” Sirius hurried, patting James on the shoulder. The black haired boy was grinning again like this was something he had been waiting for numerous years. James wouldn't be shocked if that would be true.

“Yeah, let me– Should I take off my clothes?” James asked.

He had apparently said something hilarious because both Sirius and Peter burst out laughing.

“Yeah, probably,” Sirius agreed then, still looking amused. Mary slapped him on the arm, and Remus gave him an angry sigh, which made James doubt but then he remembered Lily was there. Oh…

Well, whatever, she should get a good look for proper measurements anyway.

James took off his hoodie first, throwing it onto the cold, wet ground. The same destiny awaited his jeans and t-shirt, leaving James standing there with only socks and underwear on. He would definitely freeze to death but that was another day’s problem. It really wasn't.

“Should I like… get a running start?” he asked slowly.

“D’you want to?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

James nodded thoughtfully, glaring back at the dark water in front of him. “Yeeeah.”

“Well, go on then,” Sirius urged again, making Lily give him an irritated look. It only made James grin widely.

Lily Evans cared about him!

Without any further thought, James took off very unexpectedly, his feet moving against the cold, solid soil on the ground beneath him. First he ran the small way up to the wooden plank, continuing on from there towards the water, his pace only getting quicker. At some point James closed his eyes (he didn't even recall doing that), the wind making his hair get onto his eyes and the cold breeze causing his body to feel all hot and strange. Until, of course, James was falling in the air to the point where the dark, icy water splashed all over him, trapping him under the surface.

It was cold only for a while, then the water felt relaxing and unnerving. James didn't know why the hell he enjoyed this—jumping into a freezing lake in the dead of autumn, but if anything, he felt so fucking alive and that was bloody ecstatic. He had never understood adrenaline better. This was the moment James realised why he loved messing around, causing chaos around him and facing surprises. He loved the excitement and the desire for the unknown. God, he loved it so dearly.

When James finally felt his lungs call out for air and his mother’s voice scream in his head how stupid this whole thing was, he apprehended it was time to go up. James was a good swimmer, but something made him stop halfway through the journey back to the surface. His eyes were open and they were staring up at the water still above him. James could distinguish the moon, even from under the water. Its light reached all the way into the deepest depths of the lake, and made the water shine in a gray-ish blue colour. The shade reminded James of Sirius’ eyes. No, something else, something more silvery… Suddenly it hit James, the colour was the exact same as Regulus’ eyes.

Something else hit James too—a near death experience. His body was now screaming for air, so desperately that for a moment James thought this would be the end of it all. Fortunately, he was strong enough to push his body back to the surface, legs and arms sore, nostrils and mouth searching for air to breathe in.

“Oh my God, he's alive!”

That was Marlene, maybe. James couldn’t be too sure.

“What the fuck, you idiot! I thought you killed yourself!”

Oh, that was beyond any doubt Sirius.

“Your fault, wanker.”

And that was Remus.

James began laughing. He could barely hold himself up but he definitely could laugh. A small amount of water even splashed out of his mouth, making him feel sick. Then everything was cold again, and James realised it was still the middle of autumn.

“Oh, man, you're fucked,” Remus muttered from the plank and offered his hand for James to take a grip onto.

James had a whim—a terrible one. He took a hold of Remus’ hand, but instead of trying to haul himself back onto solid ground, he pulled Remus into the water with him. James had to close his eyes as Remus let out a disappointed yelp and fell into the lake just like James had a moment ago. Sirius started laughing, but that backfired very badly. He overbalanced just suitably close to the edge to not be able to rebalance himself. That led to him also diving into the cold lake, making James howl like it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. Everyone else left on the plank was also laughing, although Lily looked like she was afraid they would all end up drowning somehow. Very possible, to be honest.

“You’re fuckin’ dead, James Potter!” Remus shouted the second his head was out of the water, first shaking his wet hair out of his face and then attacking James.

“Help!” James yelled as Remus practically attempted to drown him, his arms yanking around James’ neck.

As Sirius’ head overrode the surface, he started simply laughing uncontrollably at the sight of his two, soaking wet dormmates fighting in the ice cold lake.

“James, m’gonna kill you!” Remus yelled again, this time actually shoving James’ head underwater.

It wasn't very hard to get up—James took a hit painful enough straight to Remus’ groin and swam up, only to hear the taller boy moan in pain. “What the fuck, Prongs!”

“You were trying to drown me!” James defended, but couldn’t help it and chuckled at the suffering face Remus made.

“I probably lost the ability to have children,” he complained, making Sirius wheeze in laughter. “Blimey, Prongs doesn't care ‘bout your reproduction!”

James smacked Sirius in the head, making him kick James underwater. “Ouch!”

As a fight between James and Sirius was about to start, Lily called out and caught their attention; “Would you please get up for God’s sake? You’ll freeze to death!”

At that point James realised he wasn't so drunk anymore. Or maybe that was in illusion too, just like the moon reflected water being the exact colour of Regulus’ eyes. James’ words didn't blend in with each other anymore, his eyes could follow one thing thoroughly without jumping around and he felt the warmth in his chest that was targeted at Lily Evans again.

She was so beautiful that James was pretty sure he could’ve truly died right there—not from coldness or hypothermia, but from his passion towards Lily. The feelings were so bloody strong they could’ve strangled him alive.

“Would you move, idiot!” Sirius scoffed and pushed James towards Lily’s available hand, ready to pull the boys out of the water.

“Yeah, yeah, totally,” James mumbled. He took a hold of Lily’s warm, firm hand and smiled so widely, he thought his cheeks could have ripped apart.

“Lily Evans, I love you.”

The words left James’ lips as soon as they appeared in his mind, and something inside of him told him that saying them out loud hadn’t been a very great idea. As did the sight of Lily’s face dropping and her hand unlocking with James’ own right before he fell back into the cold water, this time completely unexpectedly.

When James got back up, all he heard was loud laughter filling up his whole hearing capacity. Even Lily looked amused, but James certainly wasn't.

“That was priceless, mate!” Sirius wailed, leaning onto Remus so he wouldn't drop beyond the surface.

“Good job, Prongs,” Remus smiled in turn.

“Yeah, bloody amazing,” Peter laughed from the plank.

“Oi, you wanna see amazing, Pete?” James asked then, swimming towards where his third, unsoaked dormmate was standing. “Come here, Wormtail, I’ll show you amazing!”

“Oh no, I'm not coming down there.”

“Oh, you totally are! Come on, Pete!”

“Yeah, Wormy!” Sirius hyped up. “Don't be scared, it’s just a little cold!”

“No, no no, James no!”

All it took was a small push to Peter’s back from Camila and a grip James took on Peter’s leg to make him dive into the water just like all the other dorm 11A boys.

“This is ridiculous! I hate you!”

“Aww, we love ya too, Pete!”

Then the biggest water fight ever between the four of them began. Nobody was safe. James was cold as hell. His need to pee increased very badly, and all he wanted was to live like that forever: young, bold and free.

James had never been so happy.

Chapter Text

Monday, November 3rd, 1975

It was raining like it did every year on Sirius’ birthday. That didn't bother him though, things like that never did, because deep inside he knew he couldn’t possibly control them. Besides, Sirius quite enjoyed the rain. Mostly when he could listen to it beat against the rooftops, and watch it dripple on the window’s glass. He liked sitting by the window, listening to music and sharing a fag with Remus whenever it rained. They already did that all the time, but it was always a one hundred percent better experience when it was pouring outside.

This morning—a fucking Monday—Sirius had woken up to James singing him happy birthday obnoxiously loud, which had clearly become a habit throughout their years of knowing each other. Remus and Peter had awakened to James’ terrible singing voice too, and it had sucked since nobody had wanted to be up at six o’clock in the morning. Especially not after a weekend like that. Not only had they celebrated Halloween for the second time on Saturday, but the whole group had also honoured Sirius’ birthday yesterday, everybody staying up until midnight to wish him happy birthday. It had been sweet, really, but Sirius did not enjoy the hangover their drinking had caused him at all. How come he and his friends always ended up either drunk or high, whatever they did?

However, the gift giving Sirius’ dormmates had participated in right after waking up had definitely lifted his mood. Just like when the boys had been only 11-years-old, they all had gathered onto Sirius’ bed, which had felt significantly smaller than four years ago. James had obviously wanted to give his gift first. It wasn't only from James, but his parents too. Effie and Fleamont Potter were practically Sirius’ parents too at this point. It didn't matter that he had only seen them once—they knew him better than his own biological parents would ever even want to. From the Potters, Sirius had received a whole birthday cake, apparently baked by Effie herself, new socks (very useful, really) and a Bob Dylan record. Sirius was pretty sure that one had been Fleamont’s idea; he had been listening to Bob Dylan in his office the day Sirius had visited the Potters for the first and the last time.

From Peter, Sirius had gotten a silvery ring with dog prints carved all around it. Very facetious and all that since Sirius was called Padfoot by his friends, but the ring was actually beautiful in his opinion. Peter had said Lorelei had picked it, which totally made sense. Remus on the other hand had been very minimalistic and given Sirius ten packs of cigarettes and a brand new lighter—silver with a skull on it. Nothing wrong with that, Sirius truly appreciated it, because that meant Remus knew what Sirius wanted. Cigarettes and something to light them up with.

It was a shame though that Remus hadn’t thought about trying to change the school rules about smoking. Sirius would have absolutely adored having a burning fag between his lips during breakfast and every other meal more than anything. Classes too. Fucking school policy, it made Sirius go insane for not letting him smoke anytime he wanted to. Remus called it addictive behaviour, but Sirius preferred a likeness for doing whatever the hell he wanted.

“So, anyone done the math homework?” Sirius asked, as he shoved a mouthful of scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Remus groaned. “When will you start doing your own homework?”

“Sod off, you swot,” Sirius scoffed, turning to face James. “Prongs?”

“In the dorm,” he mumbled through his toast, which sounded incredibly ridiculous.

“Why didn't you want mine?” Peter asked like he was hurt.

Sirius pursed his lips like it was obvious, because it definitely was. “Wormy, your grade average is under 50 percent, why would I wanna copy off of you?”

“Same reason you won’t do your homework, ever,” Peter shrugged.

Sirius sighed dramatically. He had to admit—he could be extremely infuriating and dramatic, but every single time, there was a reason. Or at least one third of a reason.

“Hello, mon cher.” Sirius was surprised to hear Mary’s flirtatious voice whispering that into his ear so early in the morning, but it was Mary after all. She did what she wanted, whenever and wherever she wanted.

“Bonjour à toi aussi, ma belle,” Sirius replied, grinning at Mary who sat beside him at the table. She was already wearing the school uniform, whereas all the dorm 11A boys were still in their pajamas—a birthday tradition. Sirius liked how Mary left the two upmost buttons of her blouse open, and how she didn't really care about the rules considering hairstyles.

"Joyeux anniversaire, mon chéri, j'ai une surprise pour toi… et peut-être une autre plus tard.” Mary talked French with such ease it impressed Sirius everytime. She had an accent though, a southern one maybe.

“Really? What’s your surprise?” Sirius asked, subtly translating their conversation to everyone else at the table.

Mary smiled at him mischievously before pulling something wrapped into a tissue out of her skirt pocket. “Happy birthday, Black.”

“Really? You couldn't find wrapping paper?” Sirius smirked, taking the tissue-covered gift from her hands.

“C’est comme ça,” Mary stated, her lips still curved upwards.

“Why do you two keep talking in French?” James complained, again shoving toast into his mouth while talking. He had a bad habit concerning that. “Mmh, I can't understand half of what you speak.”

“Everything's not meant to be heard,” Sirius replied, giving it a double meaning.

“Mary just said ‘it is what it is’,” Remus said suddenly, making Sirius turn into his direction in pure confusion.

“You know French, Moony? How the fuck I didn't know?”

Remus shrugged it off like nothing. “I don’t really know French—I only know some words and it's easier to translate into English.”

“And Moony surprises us again,” James murmured, but the look on his face told that he was truly in awe. Sirius was too, but he was too proud to admit it.

“Well, yes, Remus is a bloody genius, nothing new about that,” Mary affirmed. “Sirius, open my present, please, I gotta go soon.”

At that Sirius turned back around, concentrating again onto the mystical tissue-gift in his hands. He began unwrapping it slowly, acknowledging Mary’s very obvious excitement. She liked giving gifts, and she liked receiving them too. Overall, Mary was a gift person and Sirius supposed he was too.

As Sirius successfully removed the tissue off of the gift and he saw what it was, a big smile arose onto his lips. He knew how dumb he must have looked, but it didn't matter, because Mary definitely was a gift person. She knew what to give to other people too. She knew Sirius would love to have his own eyeliner pencil, black nail polish and a pair of hairclips. He couldn’t care less that some guys thought he was all weird and queer for using black eyeliner and nail polish—it was definitely a rock star thing. And Sirius looked cool as hell when he did it.

“You're wonderful Mary,” Sirius gasped in joy and gave Mary a small hug. He rarely hugged people, but Mary was a huge hugger, just like James.

“I know,” she chuckled, nudging Sirius on the side. “Now you just gotta learn how to use those yourself, ‘cause I ain't gonna paint your nails and put on eyeliner for you till the day you die.”

“You wound me, MacDonald!” Sirius cried out jokingly, making Mary laugh again.

“Too bad, Black.”

For a while Sirius simply admired Mary’s gift, continuing to smile sheepishly, until she opened her mouth again. “So, you finally gonna tell me why you're in the same year as us even though you just turned sixteen?” Mary asked, clearly interested why but disguising the question as something casual. Sirius was 90 percent sure she had been waiting for his birthday just to bring that up.

“You haven't told her?” James asked then, sounding quite surprised.

“What? Do you run around telling things like that to everyone?”

“No, but it’s Mary.”

“Yeah, you're Mary,” Sirius sighed, tracing Mary’s face with his eyes. She was so beautiful—exquisite. Mary had flawless skin, a mole on the right side of her mouth, doe-like brown eyes and big, curly hair.

“So, tell me, Mr. secretive,” Mary said, running her fingers along Sirius’ arm softly.

Sirius wanted to say that Remus was the real Mr. secretive, but he didn't, because that could have come across as rude.

“So, you know how my parents are?” Sirius began, making Mary raise her brows.

“Crazy, ungrateful, unfair control freaks?”

“You described them perfectly,” Sirius confirmed and couldn’t help but smile. “Well, my crazy, ungrateful, and unfair control freak parents had nannies and private teachers arranged for me since I was three, ‘cause that way I’d learn everything before going to school. Stupid, yes? And what’s more stupid? They held me off for a year when I didn't know how to spell ‘minuscule’ at the age of five. Lucky that they did, tho.”

Mary seemed quite worried. “Sirius, that's… horrible.”

“Well, you asked,” he pointed out. “Besides, now I'm a genius—arguably smarter than Moony—and I wouldn't have met Prongs here,” Sirius explained and patted James on the shoulder who was sitting on his other side.

“Fair point,” Mary agreed. “But, another question; why do you keep calling each other with those really strange nicknames? Like, what even is Padfoot? Or why Prongs?”

Sirius began laughing, and James snorted into his cereal (he had once again put beans into them, which was utterly disgusting). “That’s definitely a story for another time.”

“I thought we made a pact not to tell anyone where those names come from,” Peter cut in, a puzzled look on his face.

“Yeah, we did,” Sirius said, his mouth curving into a smirk. “But, that doesn't mean I can't make other meanings for them.”

“He’s planning the best way to explain ‘Wormtail’,” Remus said then, making Peter all red and staggered.

“I swear, it's not what it sounds like!”

Mary giggled. “I believe you, worm boy.”

“Worm boy?” James repeated amusedly, turning to look at very embarrassed Peter. “That's perfect! Thanks, Mary!”

“That's bloody horrific,” Peter muttered, not making eye contact with anyone.

“I like the sound of that, worm boy,” Sirius grinned, making Peter blush even harder.

“Okay, now you’re just bullying him,” Mary said apologetically, tracing her fingers along the skin on Sirius’ arm again. “I gotta go now, Lily’s probably already waiting for me.”

“Where are you two going?” Sirius asked, turning to look at Mary.

“Library,” she grimaced.

“For what reason do you need to go to the fucking library at this hour?”

“Ask Lily,” Mary sighed. “I simply said ‘yes’ when she asked for company.”

“Poor you,” Sirius smiled, pressing a kiss onto Mary’s cheek. He knew how it looked to everyone else, but for them it was completely normal.

“Yes, it in fact is poor me,” Mary replied, standing up from the table. “I'll see you later, eh?”

“See ya.” Sirius said it as carelessly as he meant it.

Before Mary started walking away, towards the doors of the great hall, she dragged her delicate fingers through Sirius’ hair, leaving the air behind her lingering with an air kiss and the indispensable smell of her sweet aromatic perfume. Sirius watched as she went, hips swaying just in the right direction just at the right time, making her look like a well-trained model. Truly she was just Mary—inevitable, kind, daring, flirtatious Mary.

“Mate, tell me you two are gonna shag soon, ‘cause it's getting insufferable,” James said, interrupting Sirius’ thoughts.

“Who says we already haven't?” he smirked back.

They hadn’t, but they could have. Very easily, in fact.

“Okaaay.”

***

Mr. Williams looked exhausted today, which meant he wouldn't notice the intense note swapping between his four most troublesome students. Math class was the downfall of Sirius’ day, pretty much everyday. The hour he had to sit there, arse glued to the seat, was always the most boring and uneventful. It didn't help that Sirius sat next to James, because he was a devoted swot when it came to math, just like Remus was when it came to history. James had an uncanny ability to do equations in his head without writing anything down, and that was scary. Sirius wasn't saying he was bad at math—he certainly wasn't—but even he looked awful next to James.

‘Are we drinking tonight?’ Read the note Peter had slipped to Sirius. He didn't actually know the answer to that, so he wrote; ‘I don’t know, are we?’

Peter had a somewhat suffering expression on his face as he passed the note to Remus who was sitting next to him. Remus’ eyes shot up immediately like he was alarmed by the note, and wrote something short in response. Then he pushed the note onto James, who turned slowly away from his textbook, responding something onto the paper and sliding it onto Sirius’ half of the table after.

Remus had written ‘NO.’ and James ‘monday’ without the capital letter. He couldn’t spell to save his life, and if Sirius was anyone else he definitely wouldn't have understood what James meant with ‘monday’.

Sirius showed a thumbs-up gesture to Peter and Remus since James had already pressed his nose back into the math book. For a minute Sirius thought he could rest his eyes for a while, try to ignore Mr. Williams’ voice that was the only thing he could hear and just stay still, but it was really hard. Sirius hated simply existing; some small distraction made his life instantly better. For instance, there were only two windows in the whole math class so where the hell was Sirius supposed to look at when he was bored? At other students’ heads? Surely not, because Graham Lambert who was sitting in front of him probably hadn’t showered for days and Sirius felt dirty just by looking at his hair.

Right when Sirius was about to start talking to James out loud about something totally irrelevant to keep his mind occupied, the door to the classroom opened and a familiar woman stepped in. McGonagall was wearing her usual long black dress, heels that clicked when she walked, and a tight bun at the back of her head.

“Hello, Mr. Williams. Any chance I could borrow Mr. Black?” She asked politely, turning her nondescript gaze towards him.

At that James raised his head, giving Sirius a questioning look which he replied to by simply shrugging. Sirius didn't know either why the fuck McGonagall was getting him out of class.

“Of course, Minerva,” Mr. Williams replied as vapidly as McGonagall had and looked at Sirius. “Potter will bring your homework if you're gone longer.”

“Yes, sir,” Sirius muttered, not even trying to avoid the sarcastic undertone as he packed the math textbook he hadn’t even touched back into his bag, and stood up from the back row seat, making his way to the classroom entrance. He knew eyes were following him, but that wasn't anything unusual.

“So,” Sirius began right away as McGonagall closed the door behind them, “have I done something diabolical I'm yet not aware of, or is it about the weekend, ‘cause I really don't remember what went down on Satur–”

McGonagall shushed Sirius with her hand, but she didn't look mad nor exceptionally happy. That woman was the most accurate description of unreadable—after Remus of course, nobody could possibly take that number one spot from him.

“I don't want to hear about your extracurricular activities, Mr. Black,” McGonagall told him and started walking. Sirius went after her. “However, I fear I needed to pull you out of class for this one.”

“What? Like, you teachers have your own birthday party for me or something?” Sirius asked. He was being very ironic, and luckily McGonagall was able to read that.

“It’s your birthday today?” The head of House Nicolas questioned, turning around the corner to the stairs that she continued to walk up to.

“Er, yeah,” Sirius answered, following McGonagall closely.

“Makes sense,” She mumbled to herself, turning her eyes to Sirius. “Your parents called the headmaster's office and asked to speak with you.”

Something inside Sirius was destroyed as he finally comprehended what McGonagall had just told him, but he kept on walking, although his steps began feeling heavy. His parents had called to Dumbledore’s office? That was new and that was probably… worse. Sirius couldn’t be sure, but he knew this wasn't anything good. His parents wouldn't call to wish him happy birthday—they were definitely not like that. The only reason they would call was if someone was dead or if Sirius had done something to get him expelled.

“Are you alright, Mr. Black?” McGonagall asked as they reached the end of the stairwell, turning right. The hallways were empty and quiet, and that was how Sirius was feeling too. Enough to say, he never felt like that except when something bad was currently happening or about to happen.

“I– Yeah, I’m fine,” he lied, smiling at the older woman though she didn't look very convinced. “Could you just—one thing—could you call me Sirius?”

Something in McGonagall’s expression changed entirely and at the same time they stopped in front of a spiral staircase, leading to Dumbledore’s office. Sirius had been up there only once in his life, which felt like an accomplishment. Until again, it didn't.

“Of course, I can,” she replied gently, a small smile twitching onto her lips. “Do you want me to stay here or come up with you, Sirius?”

It felt nice—to not be called Mr. Black. That was what you called Orion Black, not Sirius.

“Nah, it's fine,” He replied then, trying to carelessly continue his journey forward, but a lump had formed into Sirius’ throat. It prevented him from breathing partially. He could inhale, but never enough. He could exhale, but not properly.

“Good luck,” McGonagall wished like it actually had a feeling, and for a moment Sirius got some air into his lungs.

The headmaster's office was built inside a tower and the spiral staircase leading into it was quite high. Sirius felt like he walked through five cases of normal stairs before he finally reached another door. His legs felt limp, his heart was racing and his thoughts felt incomplete. How could he talk to his parents when he wasn't able to think properly? His mother would truly roast him alive with questions, and the bloody headmaster would be there to experience it first hand. Sirius felt dizzy just by looking at the golden name tag stamped to the office door, but somehow he managed to gather the last of his remaining courage and knock.

The knock echoed all the way to the other side of the school building, or at least that’s what it felt like. For a while, Sirius stood there without anything to focus on before Dumbledore opened the door in front of him, immediately locking eyes with Sirius. The headmaster was a really old man—if Sirius had to say an age, he would say eighty five—and he had scarily long gray hair, and also a big beard. Dumbledore had these signature glasses too, they were sort of half moon-shaped and golden, always on the tip of his long, crooked nose.

“Hello, Mr. Black,” Dumbledore greeted, and let Sirius walk into his office. “I understand you know why you are here.”

“Yeah—yes, I do,” Sirius responded nervously. He was hardly anxious, but something about the whole situation unnerved him.

The headmaster’s office was surprisingly big, not that it shouldn't be, but you wouldn't expect all of it to fit into a tower. It had two floors, the bottom one and sort of a loft that began over Dumbledore’s desk. There were lots of decorative items, furniture and all kinds of paintings: portraits of former headmasters, teachers and other famous people. Dumbledore also owned a bird, which Sirius thought was extremely odd. He didn't even know what kind of bird it was—something colourful and big. As Sirius couldn’t see what was in the loft, he assumed it was sort of Dumbledore’s bedroom. After all, he probably had to sleep at the school too. Most teachers did, but some always went home during weekends and holidays.

“Your parents are on the line whenever you're ready to pick up the phone,” Dumbledore said suddenly, scaring Sirius a bit since he had unexpectedly moved behind him.

“Okay, alright,” Sirius answered bluntly, trying to reassure himself that everything was fine, and he wouldn't get murdered over a phone call.

Except he totally would.

Sirius was almost too aware of the fact that Dumbledore was practically staring at his every move as he slowly walked up to the telephone that was on the left side of the circular office. This kind of watching he didn't appreciate. It burned a hole through his shell, leaving all the ugly, damaged things for display to everyone else. Reluctantly and very uncertain, Sirius managed to pick the phone up and bring it to his ear, but the moment he heard his mother’s voice on the other side of the line, he wanted to slam the phone back down and storm out of the office. Surprisingly, Sirius had enough self-control not to do what his intrusive thoughts told him to.

“Sirius, are you there?” Walburga Black’s voice was sharp and she spoke fast, like she was under distress at all times.

“Yes, it's me—your ultimatical failure of an heir,” Sirius replied and started regretting his tone just seconds after.

“Don't you dare,” his mother hissed into the phone. “It is not your business to go around telling people how ungrateful and inadequate you are—that's something you should be working on, Sirius.”

His mother’s voice was spiteful, abhorrent even and Sirius felt like he was shrinking by only listening to her talk to him. “Yeah, got it. Why’re you calling me?”

“Your grades are dropping, Sirius.”

One 98% from chemistry and this was what he got for it? Great. Just fucking spectacular.

“It was a hard test,” Sirius lied. He hadn’t had the energy to write down a bloody perfect answer and Slughorn had knocked off two points for it, because the ancient man was simply annoying.

“You are lazy and arrogant, that's what it was,” his mother snapped, and Sirius could feel her irritation burning another hole into him although she was hundreds of miles away. “There is no better school than Hogwarts, and you're ruining it all. Do you realise how ungracious you are, Sirius? How spoiled? How privileged?”

“Mum, it’s one 98%, it's not like I failed all six of my subject,” Sirius groaned. He really had lost all self-discipline.

“Do not call me mum!” Walburga flared up again. “You have to earn your name, your place, your everything, Sirius! Haven't we taught you anything or is that head of yours truly too thick to retain any information?”

Sirius had to grit his teeth so that he wouldn't start calling his mother all kinds of names his mind conquered when filled with anger. If something, that would send her off the edge, make her spiral and probably disown Sirius. In some way, he hoped that would happen eventually.

“What, now you don't have anything to say?”

“Nope, don't think so”, Sirius responded, reaching a careless tone of voice but only succeeding so far.

He heard his mother sigh infuriatingly. “You are now sixteen. Learn your responsibilities, Sirius, and stop disgracing the whole family with your shameful actions. Grow up and for the love of God, stop acting so immature. Your father and I are so tired of this. Of you.”

She wasn’t shouting anymore, but it would’ve been better if she was. Because if she was, Sirius could have yelled back. He could’ve asked why they had kept him then, if he was so fucking disgraceful and unwanted. But then again, he already knew the answer to that. The noble and most ancient house of Black needed an heir, and Sirius was perfect for that. He was a boy, he was the first child of two first children and he had been taught from a very early age to follow the family traditions. However his irresponsible behaviour seemed to get in the way of his perfectness.

“Sirius, are you there?”

It felt like a knife was digging into his ear through the phone, which was technically impossible.

“Yes, unfortunately I’m still here.”

Walburga Black huffed like Sirius was the heaviest burden of her life, which he undoubtedly was. “Perfect your manners before Christmas break or there will be consequences. And take those cello hours I have arranged for you alone in the school’s music room.”

Sirius wanted to scream, but then he realised it could be just another way to disappoint his parents. Instead of playing cello, he could go to the music classroom to mess around with his guitar and microphone, pursuing the rockstar dream rather than the one his mother had set up for him. Perhaps Sirius could drag James, Remus and Peter along too, simply to get started with the whole band-thing. Oh, how Sirius would love that.

“Have you gone deaf or mute?” his mother’s voice inquired in a strict manner, making Sirius fucking murderous.

“Neither”, he responded flatly. Sirius resisted the urge to answer ‘I'm blind’ for the sake of his own safety, which was quite new for him.

“Good. Stay that way. Remember it’ll take two words from me and your life will be in ruins.”

“Nice talking to you too.”

“Be quiet, Sirius. Don’t ever speak unless you have to.”

Then the line went dead, and the tranquility began humming in Sirius’ ears. It wasn't the comfortable kind of silence, but the pressuring, burdensome kind. His mother had that effect—no one else could make silence so unbearable. No one else could make Sirius feel so terrible either.

“Are you alright there, Mr. Black?”

The question came so suddenly, Sirius spinned around quicker than he had expected to and nearly tripped over his feet and dropped the phone. He had completely forgotten that he was standing in the headmaster's office, throwing snarky comments at his mother while Dumbledore had been listening.

“Er, totally alright,” he replied downright awkwardly, putting the phone back to its place. “I better get going now.”

“Yes, I believe you were interrupted mid class,” Dumbledore said. He was sitting behind his desk now, probably smiling subtly at Sirius, but he couldn’t be too sure.

“Yeah, maths,” Sirius nodded. “Have a good day, headmaster.”

Walburga Black had got to him—Sirius would never say ‘have a good day, headmaster’.

“Good day, Mr. Black.”

Mr. Black.

Sirius wanted to correct Dumbledore, but he didn't do that. The old man would definitely know how it was between him and his parents only from that sentence; if felt like Dumbledore was a wizard and he could read your mind. A bit scary, really.

As Sirius walked through the office door again and started climbing the spiraling stairs back down, his head heavy and body numb. God, he hated his mother, his father and the whole Black bloodline. Sometimes Sirius dreamed of being like Regulus—a decent, rule-following boy who listened to what mummy said—but then again, what was he without his rebellious persona and anger to back it up with? He wasn't truly himself, just an ordinary person, and that would be horrible. Sirius despised being ordinary.

“Back to class then?” McGonagall’s question took Sirius by surprise as he reached the end of the staircase and faced the head of his house again, who was watching him somewhat curiously.

“Yeah,” he responded, though it didn't sound very appealing. Sirius would have rather skipped math, but how could he do that with McGonagall watching his every step?

He could always run away like a maniac, of course.

But Sirius didn't. He began walking with McGonagall the same way they had come earlier, matching his steps with hers. Sirius watched the rain through the windows on the uppermost floor of Hogwarts, and thought how he would’ve liked to simply run through the nearest door and lay under the pouring rain without a single thing in his mind. He didn't implement those thoughts though—McGonagall wouldn't have been very glad, and James would be bitter Sirius had done it without him. And if speaking truthfully, Sirius didn't like the feeling of wet clothes sticking to his skin. That was a disgusting feeling.

But what was more disgusting was the way Walburga Black made him feel. Sirius had been a disappointment all along—that much he knew—but his mother made sure he didn't forget the other things he was. Insufferable, ungrateful, arrogant, pompous, disgraceful, inconsiderate, unnecessary, immature… and the list went on. His mother’s words imprinted into Sirius’ brain was a never-ending statement of every negative side of him. They haunted him, and wished to bury him alive senseless. Sirius had learnt to fight back, but every time the opportunity to try and break free came, he was as helpless as he had always been. Walburga Black made Sirius remember how unexceptional and normal he truly was, and that wasn't even the worst part.

Luckily Sirius’ mind couldn’t conclude the thoughts about the worst parts of him before he and McGonagall were standing in front of the math classroom again. The older woman was looking at Sirius from behind her thin-framed eyeglasses like she knew something was up. Sirius just threw a careless smile onto his face, hoping it would be enough for her to not ask anything.

Apparently, it was.

“I hope we will be meeting in better pictures next time, Sirius,” McGonagall said monotonously, but something about her expression told that she meant it kindly.

“Me too, Minnie, believe it or not.”

Sirius didn't let McGonagall progress the nickname to the full extent; he opened the door leading to the classroom and put on his favourite, pretentious face before walking in like nothing had happened. After all, he was perfectly fine, because why wouldn't he be? It wasn't so bad, right?

***

Andy’s birthday gift had come in later in the day in the school mail, and if something, that had definitely managed to lift up Sirius’ mood. He had actually almost wept out of joy as he had ripped the gift wrapping paper open and saw what was inside: Queen’s brand new single called ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. The gift opening had happened during dinner in the great hall, and Sirius had shouted ‘I won the lottery’ so loud and proud some students apparently thought now that he had actually won the lottery. Sirius was just so insanely glad about Andy’s consideration—she was basically broke but still wanted to send him his favourite band’s new single.

Sirius was beaming.

No, as he was currently listening to the song, he wasn't exactly beaming. Sirius was floating to heaven, he was internally sobbing, grasping to his first awful childhood memories, he was happy and he was furious. There wasn't a specific emotion to describe 'Bohemian Rhapsody'—it was every single feeling a human could feel trapped into a form of music. Sirius loved that more than anything.

“Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.”

The floor beneath Sirius didn't even feel like a floor anymore. In fact, everything around him felt surreal, and Sirius couldn’t be sure what actually existed and what didn't. The only thing he knew was very real, was the fact that Freddie Mercury could sing.

“Too late, my time has gone
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.”

Oh, this is why Sirius loved music. This was the reason he wanted to write, play and perform—it conveyed way more emotion and feeling than anything else in the world. Sirius wanted to hear the world and he wanted the world to hear him.

“Mama, ooh (any day the wind blows)
I don't wanna die
I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.”

Throughout the whole song, Sirius kept his eyes closed, back against the floor and mind open. At some point a few tears rolled down his cheeks, at some point he uttered a laugh or two, and at some point he couldn’t breathe because he was afraid to miss an important detail from the guitar solo. There truly were no words to illustrate what Sirius had going inside of his head at that moment, he was so amazed by the song, and everything it consisted of.

As silence set in the room again, Sirius sat up and opened his eyes, staring straight at Remus who was also on the floor, but leaning against his own bed, lips curled into a huge smile. James was standing in the kitchen doorway, watching Sirius and Remus like they had gone mad. Peter was somewhere off with Camila, so it was only the three of them.

“So, that was…” Remus started, but he trailed off right away, slowly nodding and then shaking his head.

“That was fucking fantastic,” Sirius breathed, a grin arising onto his face.

“I gotta admit, that sounded bloody brilliant,” even James stated. He was already in his red flannel trousers and sleeping t-shirt, a mug of something hot in hand.

“Can I say something ‘bout the b-word now?” Sirius asked, mind still stuck on May’s guitar solo.

“The b-word?” James repeated, confusion filling his expression.

“Band,” Remus said, eyeing Sirius strangely.

“Ah.”

“Okay, so, that was arguably the best piece of music any of us have ever heard, right?” Sirius questioned, shifting his gaze between Remus and James.

“Probably,” James answered finally, raising his eyebrows.

“I could in fact argue that–”

“Can I still change my question to a rhetorical question?”

“Oh, fuck you!” Remus groaned, throwing a piece of chocolate wrapping towards Sirius. It hit him in the leg.

“Look, I'm just tryna make a point!” he defended.

“Can you make it quick? I wanna sleep today ‘cause I’ve been hungover three days straight,” James said, making both Sirius and Remus sigh heavily.

“Piss off, Prongs, your hangovers aren't even real,”Sirius grunted, trying to go back to his original line of thought. “So… band. Y’know, the greatest idea of history, and now I'm thinking we should just do something about it.”

“Like what?” Remus asked.

“Like practice or something.”

“You really wanna make us learn to play some instruments out of nothing?” James seemed very doubtful, his eyes following Sirius like he was insane.

“What else?” he shrugged. “Look, it's not so hard as you make it seem–”

“Says you,” James scoffed.

“Excuse me?”

“Well, I’m just saying, you can already play three instruments and sing, so how the hell are you gonna make me learn to play anything?”

“First of all: fuck you,” Sirius stated. “Second of all: you're a filthy liar. Third of all: why are you suddenly so negative?”

“I play football, I play forward, not the drums or the guitar or the bass!”

All of a sudden the conversation had taken a heated turn, and Sirius didn't know how to handle it. They rarely actually argued—it was always playful quarreling and name-calling, but now James seemed truly irritated. Usually when Sirius had a strong disagreement with someone, it was either his mother or father. And arguing with James was something entirely different.

“I’m not trying to force you to do anything!” Sirius exclaimed defensively. “I’m just saying that you should give it a thought, and try to even take a proper look at a guitar or something!”

Remus sighed, dropping his head backwards. “Can we seriously not?”

“Oh, okay, you want me to take a look at a guitar?” James asked like it was a dare. He put the mug down onto the floor and walked up to Sirius’ bed, pulling out the guitar case from under it in a quick manner. “Here! I’ll take a proper look at your bloody guitar.”

James seemed somewhat agitated as he zipped the case open, revealing the black electric guitar that laid inside of it. Sirius didn't exactly know what he was supposed to do, so he simply continued to sit still on the floor and watched as James passively took the silver and gold detailed instrument onto his lap, trailing with his eyes over the six silver strings, pegs and capstans, moving towards the bridge pins.

And suddenly, to Sirius’ complete surprise, James put his fingers in the precise position of a D-chord, laying them lazily over the correct strings and dragged the fingers of his right hand over the strings like he was actually playing the guitar. And did it only look right, it also sounded correct. Sirius was muddled—how was James playing the bloody guitar like that? Effortlessly, the football captain played chords right in a rhythmic melody that even sounded familiar. Sirius didn't know what the hell was happening, but it seemed like that neither did Remus or James.

“What the fuck, mate?” Sirius mouthed confusedly, watching his best friend play another snippet that sounded an awful lot like ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ as Sirius finally recognised it.

James stopped like he had stumbled into a wall and hit his head exceptionally hard, raising his staggered glance from the guitar to Sirius’ eyes. “I think I just played guitar.”

Sirius nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on James. “I think so too.”

“Do you even know what song you just played?” Remus asked. He was sitting with his legs crossed now, a confused expression on his face.

“That was a song?” James was clearly surprised.

“Er—what the fuck?” Sirius repeated, but then realisation hit him.

He couldn’t believe it.

“Someone tell me why, what, how and huh, please!” James' voice was panicky and he was obviously looking for an answer in Sirius and Remus.

“You just played a part of ‘Sweet Home Alabama’,” Remus confirmed then. “Or like a bad version of it, but it was definitely recognisable.”

“I don’t even know that song.” James looked more puzzled than ever, but Sirius had erupted into a huge grin that reached from ear to ear.

This was fucking wonderful.

“Prongs, you wanna know what you have?” Sirius asked then, almost too excited to keep quiet for longer than a few seconds.

“What?”

“You have absolute pitch!”

Sirius laughed out loud, but not a single muscle in James’ body moved, until: “What?”

“Absolute pitch!” Sirius repeated like it had gathered a meaning through saying it twice. “You can listen to something and play solely based on that! Dude, people who have absolute pitch are like on the top of the musical food chain!”

It seemed like something started clicking in place inside of James’ mind eventually as he realised what Sirius was talking about. “I’m on the top of the musical food chain?”

“Damn right!”

Remus seemed quite taken by James’ very well hidden talent as he also fathomed the situation. “How the hell have you never discovered that before?”

“I just learned about it, how was I supposed to?!”

“I bet I could play something and you could repeat it just like that”,” Sirius said with a big smile still covering his mouth. If James truly had absolute pitch, there was so much more to Sirius’ dream of a band.

“But… How?” James looked still extremely befuddled, almost like he still wasn't able to progress what was going on.

Sirius could neither, but God damn, this was exactly what he had been waiting for.

“It’s a thing you're born with, Prongs, it's really rare,” Sirius tried to explain. “I think it’s one in a thousand or something like that!”

“But how did you know where to put your fingers and what to play?” Remus interrupted. His eyes were now tracing along Sirius’ guitar like it was magic.

James shrugged. “I've always listened to what Sirius plays and then put to mind where his fingers were and stuff. Isn't that normal?”

“Dude, no.”

“Oh.”

“Well, if you don’t mind, Prongs, I’m currently planning on how we’re gonna spend the next week,” Sirius said, probably looking quite smug, but what could he say—absolute pitch was one of the most useful talents he could think of right now.

“You're gonna make me play this thing again, aren't you?” James asked, pointing his gaze at the guitar, a somewhat suffering look on his face.

“Oh, I'm gonna make you do more than just play—I'm gonna teach you what music is.”

“Let’s go, champ!” Remus said ironically, patting Sirius on the shoulder as he stood up from the floor and walked up to the toilet.

“Damn right, let's go champ!” Sirius shouted in return at Remus’ back before he closed the toilet door.

“Let’s go champ?” James was looking at Sirius like he had never heard that phrase before.

“Oh definitely, let’s go champ!”

Chapter Text

Tuesday, November 18th, 1975

Aw, shit.

Remus felt the frustration burning his skin as he lined over another litany of words that sounded unbelievably stupid together. It had been a long day and he was getting tired of thinking, but that was usually the best time to write. Except seemingly today, because Remus couldn’t form anything that was even remotely harmonious. He had been sitting on his bed for about half an hour now, a pen in hand and journal on his lap but nothing worthy had come out. James was at football practice and Peter was probably watching from the stands. Sirius on the other hand was with some girl named Emmy, so Remus had been left alone. To be honest, he was avoiding homework and studying altogether, and that was why he had begun writing in the first place.

However, Remus had only managed to waste three whole pages and considered banging his head onto a wall continuously. A long time ago he had formed an opinion that Monday wasn't the worst day of the week, but Tuesday. Mondays always held some kind of excitement for getting back into the routine, but Tuesdays were always so fucking boring. Remus couldn’t possibly remember a Tuesday that included a significant moment of his life, because nothing important ever happened on the second day of the week.

Just as Remus was about to write down the word ‘Tuesday’ onto his journal, the dorm door was busted open outside and very surprisingly (not really) Sirius practically flew into the room like he had just finished a race. Stumbling and grabbing onto a closet, Sirius turned to look at Remus with a mischievous smile on his face, so Remus smiled back at his dorm-mate cluelessly—he really didn't know what was happening.

“What the fuck are you running from?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows and closing the journal, expecting some theatrical explanation from Sirius.

“Nothing,” Sirius replied, and it was obvious now that he was out of breath. He hadn’t changed out of his school uniform yet, but Remus could see Sirius had learned how to use the eyeliner Mary had given him for his birthday two weeks ago. It looked quite nice.

“Okay. Why’re you so weird then?”

“I’m not being weird.”

“Yes, you are, so what's up?”

Sirius sighed in defeat like Remus was trying to dig out personal information—which he definitely wasn't. Then something in Sirius’ expression changed, and he turned to face Remus with an entirely different face—like he was planning an attack on Ireland.

“Play with me, Moony.”

“Pardon me?” Remus had to cough out those words, because halfway through the sentence he realised how strange Sirius sounded.

Sirius just laughed. “Play with me like I've played with James for the last week. We can go to the music class and I can teach you stuff! Maybe like bass, ‘cause Prongs is uncannily good at playing guitar.”

“Oh,” Remus simply said. Then something lit up inside him. Perhaps it would be a nice way to send the boring Tuesday evening he had already cursed to hell. “Yeah, I mean, why not.”

And it was settled; Remus stood up from his bed, putting on a jumper from the floor and Sirius picked up his own guitar before the two of them headed out of the dorm towards the music classroom. Remus had actually never been there before since he wasn't taking music and never had. Sirius stopped momentarily in the common room to talk to a guy named Neil who was apparently in his chemistry class. Remus stood nicely by his side before they could continue their journey to the hallways. It was a little ridiculous—Sirius and James knowing so many people and always exchanging a few words with them in the great hall or hallways. Remus usually just stood there, looking awkward and bothersome.

Remus didn't know what to think about the fact that Sirius had just recommended him to take up the bass. Perhaps he would hit it off with the 4-string instrument or something, but Remus was suspicious as he didn't know if he had any musical skills. Magnolia had once tried to teach Remus how to play piano, but bloody fucking hell, it had been so difficult. However, James seemed to have plenty of talent and that made Remus feel like he should have some too. When James’ absolute pitch had been revealed on Sirius’ birthday, it had only sparked a new ardor in Sirius to teach James how to play the guitar. Apparently it was going well, and as James had now learned all the basic chords, he could reenact exactly what Sirius would play to him. Kind of crazy, really.

By the time the pair arrived at the music class, Remus had grown rather nervous. It was a bit strange since he had no idea why he would be nervous about the situation in the first place. It was only Sirius he was with, and nobody else would have to hear Remus fumbling in the music classroom.

“Mind you, this is my favourite place in the world,” Sirius declared before opening the classroom door and giving Remus space to walk in before him.

The classroom was very impressive indeed, and Remus caught his eyes first on the posters hanging from the walls. There was one of T.Rex, a few Beatles ones, David Bowie, Elvis Presley and some American bands Remus wasn't so familiar with. Secondly he noticed all the instruments at the front of the classroom. They were lined up like it was a stage, and the seats were the audience. The teacher's desk was at the front, but it didn't look remarkably used. Remus enjoyed the whole outlook of the class, and he could deduce by the grin on Sirius’ face that he did too.

“It’s nice,” Remus said finally, following Sirius who had started walking towards the front.

“Trust me, I know.”

Remus watched as Sirius took two stools from the side of the classroom and moved them to the front, behind a music stand. Then Sirius put down his guitar case, zipped it open and took out his electric guitar, connecting it to the music classroom amplifier. He had his own in the dorm, which could at times be extremely irritating as Sirius always twisted the volume to the maximum.

“C’mere, I'll show you the music sheets,” Sirius said then, sitting on one of the stools with the guitar on his lap.

Remus moved closer and sat on the other stool, gaping at the sheet of notes and lyrics in front of him. He had seen numerous of those before—he had tried reading them too, but rather unsuccessfully. Remus’ mother had tried to get him to play the guitar by sheet, but the little 9-years-old Remus had only been able to recreate whatever his mother had physically shown him.

“If I’m now showing you how to play bass, all you have to focus on are the letters. Y’know how the strings go, right?” Sirius began by asking, and Remus had to chuckle at that.

“Elton ate dung, geez.”

Sirius let out an outrageous laugh, turning to look at Remus like he had just fallen off his seat. “Never in my fucking life have I heard that!”

Magnolia had taught that to Remus two years ago, and he had never managed to forget it.

“Well, Elton, like Elton John—he just ate dung,” Remus explained. “Geez.”

“I was taught ‘every apple does go bad eventuallyʼ,” Sirius said, grimacing. “I feel like my parents wanted to send a message via that.”

“Probably,” Remus chuckled, although it was definitely not funny.

After a brief discussion of the strings and additional pressed strings, Sirius continued showing what different marks and symbols on the sheet meant. Remus remembered some of them from his mother’s enthusiastic teaching, but it was definitely useful to iterate them after six years. Sirius also tried to explain to Remus how sheets without letters worked—the ones with only notes on them—but that turned out to be very difficult. Remus couldn’t possibly understand why someone would rather read dots between lines than letters on top of them. He prayed Sirius would never make him play only by notes.

As the entirety of the music sheet had been explained to Remus, Sirius pulled out a bass guitar from the back of the classroom where all the instruments were, and handed it to Remus. He was unsure what to do with it, so he just raised it onto his lap and tested each of the strings after Sirius had connected the bass to another amplifier. Remus had never even touched a bass guitar before, but it didn't feel so different from normal guitar. Just that the playing technique wasn't similar at all, and Remus was extremely doubtful of his ability to learn how to play an instrument.

“D’you have a song in mind, or am I gonna play from air and fist?” Remus asked as Sirius sat down too.

A huge smirk appeared on Sirius’ face like that was the dumbest thing he had ever heard. “What d’you think I’ve been showing you for the past 15 minutes?”

At that Remus realised he had not once read the name of the song that was printed on the music sheet in front of him. Sirius had been showing the notes and chords of ‘Come Together’ by The Beatles, and if something, that made Remus feel stupid. He hadn’t even glanced at the lyrics but if he had, he would’ve recognised the song in an instant.

“And yet they all talk about how clever Remus Lupin is,” Sirius sighed sarcastically, earning himself a kick to the leg.

“Piss off, it's not my day.”

“Clearly,” Sirius snorted, making Remus kick him again.

“Quit making fun of me or I'll leave,” he threatened, fully meaning it.

“Okay, whatever you say, illeteremus.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at what Sirius had just said. “Elaborate, please?”

“Illiterate Remus.”

“Ah,” Remus mouthed. “Fuck you too.”

Fortunately the two of them had been through a various number of these stupid arguments so they were able to move forward pretty quickly. When Sirius showed the rhythm and melody of the song, Remus caught on to what the bass was supposed to be playing and began thinking that perhaps he wasn't so hopeless anymore. Subtly, he started playing the notes here and there when he could register the part of the song Sirius was currently playing. That was difficult, but probably Sirius’ most efficient teaching method—throwing Remus straight to the deep end.

When they had finished one take of Sirius playing guitar whilst explaining the whole of ‘Come Together’ and Remus filling in wherever he was able to, Sirius patted him on the back like a proud father (as if Remus knew what that felt like). The second take though, was what took Remus by surprise; as he was about to join in to Sirius’ guitar playing, the black haired boy began singing, and Remus froze completely. He had to shift his gaze from the sheet to Sirius who didn't stop although Remus was staring at him like he was a bloody medieval statue in a museum.

“Here come old flat-top, he come groovin’ up slowly
He got ju-ju eyeball, he one holy roller”

The words rolled off of Sirius’ tongue like magic, and Remus was so compelled one could’ve thought he was under a spell. It was just so beautiful—Sirius’ voice and the way he carried on with the song, effortlessly sounding fucking phenomenal.

Eventually Remus managed to snap into reality and he started playing as the chorus occurred, and Sirius’ voice only grew louder as did his guitar playing.

“Come together, right now
Over me

Shoot me
Shoot me
Shoot me”

Remus pushed through the rest of the song even though he very self-awaredly missed a dozen of notes and at one point lost the beat. In his defense, Sirius’ voice had thrown him so off guard and distracted him so badly there really had been no going back. It definitely wasn't the first time Sirius had sung in front of Remus, but that most certainly had been the first time Remus had heard him so clearly. Usually Sirius sang in the shower where the water outpowered his voice or while he was drunk when the singing became unsteady slurring.

“What the fuck? Sirius, I swear I've never heard you sing like that,” Remus blurted out the moment Sirius’ guitar stopped playing the outro.

A smug grin rose onto the other boy’s face, making Remus regret his decision of ever complimenting him. “I know I'm good, but am I really that fucking great?”

“You are that fucking great,” Remus admitted though he reckoned that would get him a week’s worth of sneering.

“Why thank you, Moony!” Sirius said joyously, biting his bottom lip softly. “You’ll make a decent bassist yourself one day", he then added, making Remus smile stupidly.

“Just say that I was shit and get over with it.”

Sirius laughed, but he didn't look particularly keen on badmouthing Remus. “Look, if that was literally your first time ever playing bass, you were impressive. With practice and patience, I'm sure you’ll play like a god one day.”

Remus pursed his lips, keeping his expression steady. “You're positive today.”

“What can I say? Life’s making the lemonade for me; James already plays pretty well and you’ll totally get there too.”

“And what about Pete?”

Sirius shrugged like it was nothing. “We’ll put him behind the drums—maybe he can unleash his internal rage there.”

“You think Peter has internal rage?” Remus snorted.

“Unquestionably.”

After that Sirius insisted they would do a third take, and so they did. This time Remus got even more into it—he only missed a couple notes, and kept up with the rhythm gracefully. The smile on Sirius’ corner of mouth told that he was pleased with the results. Nothing felt better than success, and Remus felt his lips twitching upwards too. He also enjoyed playing; he loved to hear Sirius’ effortless guitar and fantastic singing mixed with his steady bass. Remus would have never thought this was something he liked doing, but he was definitely proven wrong. Perhaps he now understood Sirius’ dreams better than before.

As they eventually got tired of the same song, Sirius switched up the whole game. “Okay, I put a record into the player and play, but you can only observe and admire.”

Remus had an amused expression on his face as he watched Sirius who walked around the classroom, first searching his teacher’s record collection and then snatching a record player from one of the cabinets on the side. “Because,” Sirius said, stretching the word, “I wanna show you why I'm doing this whole band-thing.”

“Aha,” Remus responded, but had a wide smile on his face. He knew Sirius was prepping a show, and it was only for Remus to see.

“Don't me so judgmental, I'm fucking wonderful,” Sirius scoffed as he walked back to where Remus was sitting and placed the record player onto the desk closest to them. Then he pulled out the record he was about to put on, making Remus laugh. “Oh, you gotta be joking!”

Sirius turned to face him with a grin on his lips, black hair falling out of place. “I most definitely am not.”

“Dear God.”

Remus was still sitting on the stool so he nearly fell over as he leaned back from both excitement and fear. He knew exactly what Sirius was going to do, and it scared the hell out of him. At the same time Remus had never wanted to see anything more than what Sirius was about to show him.

A crooked grin was still prevailing on Sirius’ face as he threw the guitar strap over his head, taking the black electric guitar into his hands while standing. Remus noticed Sirius didn't need the chords, but then again why would he? After all, he was Sirius Black and no one else. And when Sirius Black pushed the ‘play’ button on the record player, and after a moment’s silence a familiar intro reached Remus’ ears, he put all of his concentration on Sirius.

Black Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’ was a spectacular, world-changing punk/rock song, but when it was performed by Sirius, it turned into the greatest fucking thing of all time, giving Remus goosebumps and making him only thirst for more. Sirius played the intro with such ease, his delicate fingers hitting every chord perfectly, easing into the rest of the song like quicksand. And then, then the singing started and Remus felt like he was swept away from the face of Earth.

“Finished with my woman ‘cause
She couldn’t help me with my mind
People think I’m insane because
I am frowning all the time”

Sirius' voice was the most exquisite thing Remus’ ears had ever been blessed by, and he felt like he shouldn't have a privilege to be listening to it at all. And Sirius did it so fucking effortlessly—sang like an angel, played guitar like Jimi Hendrix and performed like he was in front of an audience of thousands. His fingers were going through the strings quick-paced, almost like they were running out of time, but Sirius’ voice stayed firm as rock, and it impressed the hell out of Remus.

“Can you help me
Occupy my brain?
Oh yeah”

As a guitar solo came along, Sirius was spinning around with the instrument unwaveringly in his hands, hair swaying in every possible direction and eyes gleaming boldly. Remus stared like it was the best fucking thing he had ever seen, because it arguably was. He had never seen anyone else so in their spirit as Sirius was playing that bloody guitar, singing that bloody song like his life depended on it.

“I need someone to show me
The things in life that I can't find
I can't see the things that make
True happiness, I must be blind”

Then Sirius sank onto his knees, making the smile on Remus’ face only grow. Sirius kept the electric guitar pressed tightly on his hips, playing like it was the last time, and threw his head back, words still leaving his throat clear as water from a well. He hauled himself slowly closer to the floor, and Remus feared his back would break, but fortunately that didn't happen. By the time Sirius was on the final words and chords, his back was pressed against the ground, hands still playing guitar perfectly fine, head thrown back and knees facing Remus. Then the song ended, Sirius’ hands stopped and his fastened breath was the only sound in the room.

“That was fucking extraordinary,” Remus gasped, more like whispered, when the record player stopped completely and the silence got muggy.

Sirius was breathing heavily as he rose from the floor, standing up slowly and casting a proud look at Remus. “I thought I’d break my fucking back,” he laughed, voice a little raspy.

“Yeah, me too.”

As Sirius swung the guitar strap over his head and put down the instrument, Remus heard a loud thump which definitely wasn't from the guitar. He turned his head quickly towards the door, only to find a middle-aged man standing right at the entrance, a pleased expression covering his face.

“Now that—that was the most absurd performance and breath-taking playing I've ever seen!” The man said and began walking towards Sirius and Remus. He was wearing gray trousers, brown loafers and a white button-up shirt, rolled up from the sleeves. The man had brown, slicked back hair and a barely visible stubble on his chin.

“Thanks, Hearst,” Sirius replied, seeming rather surprised. At that point Remus realised that the man must have been Sirius’ music teacher—who else, really. “This is Remus, my dormmate, and Remus, this is my music teacher”, Sirius realised to introduce them.

Hearst walked up to Remus with a smile on his face, and pulled out his hand, signaling Remus to answer with a handshake. “Hello, Remus. You're a lucky guy—not everyone’s as fortunate as you, having this one as a roommate.”

Sirius fucking Black was blushing, and Remus couldn’t believe his eyes. “Er… Yeah, I wouldn't change him for the other idiots that go here.”

Remus realised, a bit late, but still realised, that he was being rude, but that only made Sirius laugh and Hearst’s smile widened. “You're an honest man, I appreciate that.”

“Uh, thanks?”

God, Remus wanted to drown himself. Even more so as Sirius wouldn't stop cackling, eyeing Remus with an overly amused smirk on his stupid fucking face.

“I was just coming to get my wallet as I forgot it here before,” Hearst explained as he walked over to his desk, giving Sirius a pointed look. “I opened the door the moment you started playing, and let me tell you, Sirius, I've never seen anyone your age carry themselves so bewitchingly.”

At those words Sirius’ laughing stopped and his cheeks turned a pink colour again. Remus couldn’t do anything but agree, because Hearst was nothing but right.

“Hell, I knew your playing was magnificent, but that? That was something else,” Hearst continued as he rummaged through his drawers. “That song’s a classic, but you sang it better than Ozzy fucking Osbourne—apologies for my language.”

“That's– Thank you,” Sirius managed as he stared at his teacher, eyes wide and mouth curved into a confused frown.

“No, seriously, keep up with it. Ah, here it is!”

Hearst turned around, tucked, assumedly, his found wallet into the pocket of his trousers and shot another glance at Sirius. “Just wanted to let you know you're the only person that can perform ‘Paranoid’ like that—you're unique, and I mean it good, Sirius.”

Praised by his music teacher was apparently something that left even Sirius Black wordless, which was such a rare occurrence Remus had never seen it before.

“Well, I’m gonna leave you boys to your thing as it seems to be going quite well,” Hearst said then, clapping his hands together. “I'll see you tomorrow, Sirius. Nice meeting you, Remus.”

Hearst gave Remus a nod before he started walking towards the classroom door, leaving both of the boys to stare at his back, Sirius flabbergasted and Remus more impressed. Hell, he would do anything to switch into music, but there was nothing he could do about it now. Remus had chosen art, only to avoid P.E but he hadn’t realised what he was missing by not taking music. Worst decision of his life truly.

“So… Your teacher’s nice,” Remus said, turning to face Sirius as Hearst slammed the classroom door shut, leaving the pair alone again.

He had said it with a waggish undertone, and Sirius had definitely caught on it. “Shut up. We’re not gonna talk ‘bout that.”

“Why not?” Remus wailed amusedly. “It was hilarious to see you blush!”

“Piss of, Moony, or I’m gonna smash your head open with my guitar.”

“Ooh, tough guy, I'm really scared right now.”

“Oi, you should be!”

“You were really tough right there—cheeks pink as cotton candy when Hearst–”

“I’m warning you, Moony.”

***

Thursday, November 20th, 1975

James was currently eating toast with ketchup, pickles and beans. It disgusted Remus so bad he couldn’t finish the bowl of cereals in front of him—something that had never happened before. Remus really wished James would keep his atrocious eating preferences hidden, but the Indian boy was never going to do that. James was proud, perhaps a little too proud, and he saw nothing wrong with eating ketchup, pickles and beans on a toast.

Fortunately—actually quite unfortunately—Remus was distracted by the House Gellert boy, who passed the long table he was sitting at, with a repulsive expression, aimed straight at Remus. Mulciber had been extremely surly since Halloween, but Remus ought to have expected it. After all, he had punched the guy straight into his face, causing Mulciber a broken nose and apparently a two hour long nosebleed. A bit funny, especially because no teacher had believed Mulciber when he had told them Remus had been the one to break his nose. Something to be very grateful about. Remus wasn't really sure why he had decided to punch Mulciber in the first place, but all the name-calling had gotten to him, though it had been merely aimed at James and Sirius.

“I actually hate you right now.”

“Too bad since we share a dorm.”

“God, I really hate it when you're right.”

Remus turned to look at the two girls who were in the midst of a stupid conversation about Mary’s boyfriend. Apparently, Marlene had been right about something concerning a guy named Connor. Remus didn't know who that was, and he didn't want to either.

“I’m just saying—maybe you shouldn't have dumped the moustache guy right away!” Marlene said, and took a sip of water out of her glass.

“Moustache guy?” Sirius asked, leaning over from Remus’ side of the table.

Remus cast an annoyed look at his dormmate. “Could you not? Your hair’s getting in my cereal?”

Sirius simply fluttered his eyelashes, looking Remus in the eye, face a little too close to his own. “No.”

They were eating supper, but Remus didn't feel particularly hungry anymore as Sirius’ hair was truly disruptively close to the bowl of cereal Remus was trying to eat. Sirius generally was too close to him; he was pressed fully against Remus’ left side, arm touching arm and thigh touching thigh.

“Moustache guy,” Marlene repeated, snorting after her words like it was an inside joke. “Some guy who had a mustache—Mary, what was his name?”

Mary sighed like she was in pain. “Alex or Axel. I’m not entirely sure anymore.”

“You were drunk, weren't you?” Sirius smirked, wiggling his eyebrows stupidly. It made Remus want to smack him.

“When is she not?” Marlene asked in return.

Abruptly James almost choked on his toast, making everyone turn their eyes into his direction. James coughed a few times, realising then that everyone was staring at him. “What? Can't I eat anymore?”

“Sounded like you were dying,” Sirius pointed out, finally moving out of Remus’ immediate vicinity.

“Let me bloody eat!” James moaned, casting an irritated look at Sirius who was sitting across him. “I've been dying the whole day.”

“Oh, you've been dying?” Mary asked, raising her eyebrows. Her and Marlene were sitting on Remus’ other side, both eating leftover dessert from dinner. “McGonagall was up my arse today ‘cause I came into her class one minute late—embarrassed me in front of the whole class.”

Sirius laughed, and Mary stuck her tongue out.

“Yes, I've had a terrible day!” James affirmed, taking a bite out of his disgusting toast, this time avoiding choking. “Lily said she still won’t go out with me, and Snivellus was with her.”

“Like that hasn’t happened a hundred times before,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

“By the way, what happened to trying to be friends with her instead of asking her out continuously?” Remus inquired.

“You’ve been trying to be friends with her?” Marlene asked, an unbelieving look on her face.

James threw his head back. “Well, as you can see, unsuccessfully. But I really thought she’d be tolerant towards me by now!”

“Jesus Christ, you're hopeless.”

For that, Remus felt like he had the right to smack Sirius so he did.

“What the fuck, Moony!”

“You deserved it.”

“Hate you too, prick.”

“Stop it you two,” Mary sighed pointedly at them, turning to face James. “Look, one day she’ll get it, I'm sure of it. You just need to give her some time—Lily’s not so bright when it comes to relationships.”

“Wow, you speak so nicely of our friend.” Marlene shook her head sarcastically.

“Piss off, McKinnon, you wouldn't have said anything differently.”

“But I've already given her like three years,” James said with a frown growing onto his lips.

Remus wanted to vanish into thin air. He hated the James-and-Lily conversations more than anything. Okay, not more than anything, but more than most things.

“Clearly seems like you've gotta give a couple more then,” Mary shrugged and reached over from the other side of the table to give James a pat on the shoulder.

“Don't you just give wonderful advice?” Marlene asked, a grin covering her mouth.

“Seriously, Marls, I'm gonna fuck you up if you don't shup up.”

“Ooh, I like it when MacDonald gets feisty,” Sirius sniggered, smiling widely at the brown skinned girl.

“Fuck you, Black.”

“I bet you’d like that.”

“Shut it or I’m not going out with you next Hogsmeade weekend.”

At that Sirius zipped the imaginary zipper on his lips closed and raised his eyebrows at Mary with a flirtatious smirk on his face.

Remus didn't want to eat his cereal anymore since Sirius’ hair had basically been floating in it and James’ food combination had disgusted the hell out of him. He wasn't very interested in the pointless conversation the table was having either. “M’gonna go back to the dorm”, he announced, standing up from his seat.

“Just so you know, Pete and Camila are there,” James noted, pursing his lips together.

“Fucking hell,” Remus muttered, but still proceeded to leave the table. He heard Sirius whistling behind him, which was incredibly annoying, but not in a way that Remus needed to flip him off. He simply returned the dishes to the school kitchen, continuing his journey towards the fourth floor.

Then an idea occurred to Remus—a good idea, in fact. If Peter and Camila truly had occupied the 11A dorm, Remus definitely shouldn't go there. The couple could very much possibly be up to something Remus didn't want to witness. Therefore he decided to walk along the hallways of the fourth floor until he reached the school telephone, which was fortunately free. Remus hadn’t called the Carells after that one time in October; he really was bad at keeping up with others via phone or letters. Luckily the Carells were as good as family to him, and would not hold a grudge against him for forgetting to keep contact sometimes.

Remus leaned against the cold wall with his side as he dialed the familiar number into the telephone and raised it to his ear level. The phone rang a few times before someone picked up, instantly making Remus smile.

“Hi,” he said quietly.

“RJ?”

It was Magnolia with her calm, soft voice.

“Yeah, it's me.”

“I've been waiting for you to call!" Magnolia exclaimed then, and Remus could hear the smile that was creeping onto her face. She spoke in a certain way when that happened.

“I know,” Remus replied longingly. “I've been meaning to call many times, but never quite gotten there.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she chuckled.

“Yeah.”

A moment’s silence.

“So, how’s school been treating you?” Magnolia asked.

“S’been alright,” he responded, swallowing the lump in his throat that had managed to form there.

“We haven't talked for a month, and I still can’t get more than three words out of you,” Magnolia sighed with an amused nuance in her voice.

That made Remus utter a laugh, though he wasn't sure whether the situation was funny or not. The cold wall against him began feeling off so Remus pulled away, pacing around in a distance which the telephone allowed. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. A long week, really.”

“A long bloody year,” Magnolia added, giggling.

“Yeah, definitely.”

Again, a brief silence.

“I miss you,” Remus said suddenly, surprising even himself. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but, well, there it was.

“I miss you too,” Magnolia replied, her voice sweet as honey. It was music to Remus’ ears.

“Only a month and then I'll be there again,” Remus reminded both himself and Magnolia. At the same time he wished Christmas break would already come and that it would never happen.

“Yeah. Only a month,” Magnolia repeated, shifting her position based on the rustling from the other side of the line. “Remus, can you tell me something?”

He was confused. “Like what?”

A small chuckle. “Can you tell me what you’d do if I was right there with you? No one else around—just us.”

Something surged inside Remus, making his ears hot and fingers trembling. A sudden wave of heat swept over him like a big wave of sea water. “Just us? No one else?”

“No one else, only me and you.”

He could hear the smile on Magnolia’s face again. Remus could picture her, sitting on the chair next to the telephone in the vestibule of the cosy Carell house. Her long blonde curls fell perfectly over her torso, covering the most beautiful part of her—her heart. Magnolia had on a warm jumper, probably red, she loved red, and jeans. She didn't have any makeup on, except maybe lipstick. Red one also. Her warm brown eyes were closed, and the moles on her neck and face were perfectly visible. Countable.

There were 6 on her face, 7 on her neck, 9 on her back, 4 on her right arm, 6 on her left arm, 2 on her cleavage, 1 on her stomach, 11 on her right leg and 12 on her left. And one on the tip of her left auricle.

“I would kiss you. I would kiss you so long neither of us could breathe anymore,” Remus told, closing his eyes and imagining Magnolia in his head. “Then I’d run my hand through your curls—not in a way that’d make them messy. I’d kiss you again and swipe the smudged lipstick off.”

A big smile arose onto Remus’ lips as he explained to Magnolia what he most desired. It really was too long since they had seen one another, and Remus missed her so much it couldn’t be put into a sensible amount of words.

“Tell me more,” Magnolia pleaded quietly, but loud enough for Remus to hear.

He thought for a brief moment. “I would make you laugh—maybe with a stupid joke or by tickling your side. Then we’d be forced to lay down, ‘cause you can't stay up when someone’s tickling you even if it depended on your li–”

“Are you trying to ruin this?” Magnolia cut in, and Remus just knew she had a cheeky grin on her face.

“No,” he responded. “You literally interrupted me.”

“Okay, fine, but this better be heading somewhere good.”

“Trust me, it is,” Remus laughed, perhaps a little nervously. He was quite unsure of what he was going to say next, but maybe he shouldn't worry too much. Those things before had come out automatically so why wouldn't the next ones too? “I’d run my fingers along your face and memorise all the curves and shapes. Then I would kiss your everything, and I’d start from your temple. Then right ear, left ear, nose, right cheek, left cheek, lips, chin, jawline and neck. I’d linger there and kiss every single mole on your neck.”

“What would you do when my shirt comes into your way?”

The question left Magnolia’s lips innocently, but it made Remus feel like the most sinful person on the Earth.

“I would take it off, throw it onto the floor,” he answered truthfully, and the shame wore off as a pleased hum left Magnolia’s mouth. “I’d take your everything off, and I would look at you. I’d see you for the unbelievable girl you are, and I’d admire every piece, every beautiful piece, of you. Until I’d want to touch you too much to be able to even think.”

“And how would you touch me?” Now the question came with a flirtatious manner, almost naturally. Magnolia had her ways, and Remus didn't dare to try and cross them.

Remus drifted his eyes along the hallway, ensuring nobody was about to hear his conversation on the phone. “I would touch your everything; run my hands along every single skin cell in my reach. Then I’d kiss all 58 moles on your body so deeply I’d leave marks.”

Remus could feel how heated his cheeks were and how embarrassed he actually was of his own words, but around Magnolia, there was no shame anymore.

Quiet as a whisper, Magnolia said: “Promise me one thing, RJ.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“Promise me you’ll do all those things you just said when we meet again.”

Oh, how Remus loved her.

“I promise.”

And that was it—they said their short farewells and the call ended, leaving tranquility circling around Remus and an ache in his chest. There weren’t words strong enough to describe how much he wanted to be with Magnolia at that moment, and words not weak enough to describe how tender Remus felt all over. He was left with yearn, a mix of complex feelings and a promise. A promise he would never forget, and a promise he would fulfill numerous times. He just had to wait a month to make that possible.

Suddenly month felt like a fucking eternity.

***

Monday, November 24th, 1975

Remus had left in the middle of art class, because only so much shit could be stuffed down his throat. Peter and Mary were the only tolerable people in that cursed class, and not even they had been able to uplift Remus’ mood. He despised art—no idea what bloody creature had taken over him last year when he had been debating whether he would pick art or music. Now the answer to that question seemed obvious, but back then Remus had definitely been missing some brain cells. No, in fact he had been missing all of his fucking brain cells.

Irritation buzzing in his head, Remus dug a pack of cigarettes and the lighter Art had given him almost a year ago out of his trouser pockets. He was walking on the frost-covered grass outside the school building, slowly making his way to the greenhouse. Remus had checked earlier that there were no classes during this time of the day in case he needed an escape. That had become extremely handy. As the fag between Remus’ lips lit up and he could finally inhale the calming smoke, at least one fourth of his annoyance towards life vanished. He blew the smoke in the air, watching it disappear again and again.

It was getting colder day by day, and Remus could feel winter creeping up. The grass beneath his feet was white from night frost, but the first snow hadn’t fallen yet. For that Remus was glad, because he hated winter. As long as he could spend his time indoors, a warm jumper on him, tea mug in hand and curled up on the couch near the common room fireplace, he was fine, but when Remus was forced to go outdoors, pain and agony hit him in the face like a brick. The coldness was unbearable and the lack of sunlight made him grow even more exhausted. The darkness didn't cure Remus’ sleeping problems either, which made him as restless as before.

The greenhouse was located near the forest, which was forbidden from students (still Remus had been there countless times) and it was a big, circular glass building. Remus opened the door carelessly, cigarette still hanging from his lips as he stepped inside. There were lots of plants and everything was green—good thing Remus managed to find the way to his usual spot, which–

“Ah, what the fuck!”

The fag dropped to the ground from his mouth and Remus hurried to pick it up, but he was too distracted by the other boy who was sitting at his exact spot, behind the big lilac flowers he couldn’t name. And the other boy—Jesus Christ, Remus thought at first that he was dreaming, or rather having a bad case of a nightmare.

“Lupin, right?” Regulus Black asked monotonously, raising one of his eyebrows judgmentally at Remus who was stood there, a burning cigarette between his fingers and a stupefied look on his face.

“Er… Yeah?”

Regulus stared like he wanted to blow Remus up with the intensity of his eyes.

“Can you leave? I was in the middle of something,” Regulus asked then, voice still not giving away anything except mild irritation.

“I really can't do that,” Remus replied uneasily though he could’ve damn well turned back around and walked out the same way he had just come in.

Regulus scoffed, but didn't say a word.

“Fine. suit yourself,” Remus stated and surprised even himself by sitting next to Regulus on the cold stone floor. He truly didn't know what he was doing—well, apparently trying to approach Sirius’ grumpy younger brother. Regulus most definitely wasn't known for his kindness.

“What were you up to?” Remus asked casually, taking a long drag out of his fag.

“What?” Regulus sounded confused.

“You said you were in the middle of something.”

Regulus was staring again. “That's none of your business.”

Remus blew smoke out of his lungs, turning away from Regulus to spare himself from another mean look. “You want a drag?”

Remus didn't know what the fuck had possesed him, but clearly something. He was not the type of guy to talk to other people willingly and he definitely wasn't the type to offer a drag from his own fag.

“No,” Regulus responded, casting a disgusted look into Remus’ direction. When he took a closer look, Remus could notice the insane resemblance of the Black brothers even better. Both Regulus and Sirius had these blue eyes with a gray-ish undertone, but Sirius’ were a little brighter. They also had the same sharp bone structure, pale flawless skin, visible cupid's bow and obviously the same black wavy hair. Regulus’ was a bit curlier and shorter.

“Those things will kill you quicker.” For the first time, Regulus said something without it being an answer to Remus’ question or a demand for him to leave.

“And if that's the reason I’m smoking?”

“Then you're an idiot.”

Remus was testing limits though he was pretty sure he shouldn't be. After all, this was Regulus and Regulus was something Sirius never talked about unless he was drunk, seeing stars and on the verge of tears. It was almost like Regulus was a forbidden topic for a conversation in the 11A dorm.

“How would you rather go then? Old and crusty, already wished to be dead for twenty years?” Remus questioned. He was very aware of how stupid he was acting, but that wasn't stopping him.

“You're seriously asking me how I’d like to die?” There was a hint of unbelievableness in Regulus’ voice.

“Sort of.”

The younger boy scoffed again and turned to face away from Remus. Somehow that didn't surprise him at all—why would Regulus want to have a chit chat with his brother’s friend in the first place?

“I’d rather have lived my life properly by the time I die,” Regulus responded suddenly, half a minute too late, and turned his head back around, but Remus just nodded.

“Yeah. Me too. Though it’d be a lot cooler to die young.”

“Yeah.”

The cigarette between Remus’ fingers suddenly seemed very interesting. He watched how it burned, releasing a small amount of smoke in the air that disappeared slowly until another question popped into his head.

“Have you ever even tried smoking?” Remus asked, turning his eyes to Regulus’ direction.

Regulus raised his eyebrows, and didn't maintain eye contact for a very long time. “No.”

“Really? Sirius never let you try one?”

Remus really didn't know what was wrong with him. Most days he would have either:

1. Turned around after seeing Regulus in that spot.

2. Sat there quietly and smoked his cigarette without uttering a word.

3. Not offered Regulus a drag out of his cigarette, bought with his own money.

“He doesn't smoke at home,” Regulus answered finally, sounding like he was cramped in a small cardboard box with no way out. “He can't.”

“Oh.” The realisation hit Remus as he understood that there was no way Sirius’ parents would ever let him smoke. If they couldn’t let him visit the Potters, spend his holidays at Hogwarts or wear certain types of clothes, why the hell would they let him smoke cigarettes.

“Why’re you talking to me, anyway?” Regulus sounded different—like he had woken up from a trance and realised Remus was actually Sirius’ dormmate. He didn't seem particularly kind, and Remus thought for a moment he could see some deeply rooted spite in Regulus’ eyes. Their expressions were so similar—Sirius’ and Regulus’.

“You were on my spot,” Remus reasoned. “Didn't wanna go anywhere else, and you didn't leave either.”

“Yeah, I know that,” Regulus said like it was obvious, because it kind of was. “I mean why’re you asking me questions you don’t have to?”

Remus shrugged. “Wanted to get to know you better. You're Sirius’ brother, ‘n we don't talk about you very much.”

At that Regulus sighed, sounding frustrated. “Always about Sirius. God,” he muttered, more to himself than to Remus. Then Regulus stood up, turning to look at Remus with an unreadable expression. “I’m gonna leave you now, so you can peacefully be at your spot again.”

Remus felt like his words wouldn't have any effect on Regulus so he stayed silent and watched as the younger boy walked across the greenhouse to the entrance. Regulus was a bit leaner than Sirius, and his school uniform was partly too loose. The brothers were about the same height, but you could still definitely tell them apart from behind. As Regulus closed the greenhouse door, Remus sighed loudly and took a long drag out of the fag, slightly regretting everything he had just done and said. Perhaps it would have been best to leave Regulus to his own company. What if he had also been on an escape mission and Remus had intruded just like that?

It was all so difficult and complicated—the whole Black family and the secrets that lay inside of it that Remus never knew what to do or say. Even with Sirius he was usually left so fucking clueless there were no words to compare it to. Remus didn't truly know anything of what the brothers were going through at home, and it seemed like both of them had different experiences too. When Sirius had been majorly drunk last spring and he had downright sobbed in Remus’ hands on the bathroom floor after puking in the toilet, Remus had just patted his back like the idiot he was, unable to say anything comforting and sensible. James had always been better at that part.

Throughout the years, James and Sirius had formed a bond so unbreakable that it was admirable. Remus didn't know what went down between just the two of them when they had their late night talks in the kitchen sometimes or went for ‘a walk’. He didn't ask, because there had always been a clear boundary line between what Sirius told James and what he told Remus and Peter. That was the way it was, and it was alright. James was good at handling other people, especially Sirius, and he was always ready to listen and help—he was the perfect best friend for Sirius. They clearly needed each other.

Sirius had all of his emotions wrapped tightly inside some little box that was hiding somewhere in the back of his head, and Remus assumed that was quite like what also Regulus felt like. He definitely wasn't open about things, and in fact, the most Remus had ever heard from Regulus had been about ten minutes ago when he had asked how Regulus would rather die. Remus couldn’t help but think that the ones to blame for Sirius’ and Regulus’ avoidance of big feelings were their parents—the Blacks were infamous in the 11A dorm for being utter shitheads.

James, on the other hand, was the picture perfect emotionally aware guy, and that was partly the reason he could understand Sirius so well. James wore his heart on his sleeve shamelessly, and cared about other people so deeply. Remus often wondered how he managed to do that without getting exhausted by the constant mess of other people’s emotions and feelings. Sometimes it felt like James had bloody superpowers and a saviour complex, which wasn't necessarily a good thing, but most of the time it seemed to be. James was hardly ever sad, and from what Remus had seen, he enjoyed helping other people very much.

Something about Regulus’ behaviour still bothered Remus as he took the last that his cigarette had to offer and stubbed it out onto the stone floor. Perhaps Regulus needed to find his own James as Sirius had. For all Remus knew, Regulus could already have a friend like James, but to his eyes it seemed like Regulus was even more reserved than Sirius and that couldn't be any good for a person. Remus himself wasn't a good example or judge of character on this topic, but he had a feeling. He always did, and this time the feeling told him that Regulus could use some emotional support. And assumedly, Sirius would rather not talk to Remus for the rest of his life than hear about his brother’s problems Remus had basically made up, so Remus made a silent promise to himself that he wouldn't say a word to Sirius.

Instead, he would sometimes return here to not only escape the universe but also to see if Regulus would open his tightly closed off shell and let someone in. Necessarily not Remus, but someone for God’s sake.

Remus truly didn't know what had gotten to him today—maybe it had been the three sugars instead of four in his coffee this morning.

Chapter Text

Saturday, December 6th, 1975

Snow was falling from the sky constantly and the ground and rooftops were filling with a thick layer of white. The first snowfall had happened on the first of December—how ironic—but it had been arguably one of the most beautiful things Mary had seen in a while. She had been awake, not able to sleep, sitting at the House Celestina common room and watching how the big snowflakes had fallen to the ground, making it glimmer in the dark. Now everything was snow-covered, and it had gotten infuriatingly cold outside.

Luckily Mary had the privilege to be wrapped in Sirius’ warm arms as they were walking in the Hogsmeade village. They weren’t truly meant to be around her—someone entirely else instead—but as Mary didn't want to freeze her arse off, and neither did she want to distance herself from Sirius, she stayed quiet. Her and Sirius were heading to The Three Broomsticks, which was a cosy café in Hogsmeade. Almost everybody visited the café during the village weekends and there was fortunately enough space. And Mary loved their rosemary tea so dearly she would never give up a chance to go to The Three Broomsticks.

Sirius held the door open for Mary and she flashed him a wide smile before walking inside. The warmth hit her in the face like a saving grace, and Mary looked around the café only to find numerous familiar faces. They walked up to the register with Sirius and placed their order: Mary’s rosemary tea and a coffee for Sirius. After that the pair decided to sit down at a window table in a more closed off corner of the café. As Mary looked outside, she could see students walking through the snowy streets of Hogsmeade, entering and exiting the shops that were facing The Three Broomsticks.

“Isn't it nice that it’s finally winter?” Mary asked, turning to look at Sirius who was already watching her. He had gotten noticeably better at doing his own eyeliner looks, which were mostly very subtle and minimalistic, but seeing Sirius with some black kajal underneath his eyes always made Mary happy.

“Yeah, I like the snow and the coldness,” Sirius replied, smiling crookedly. “Everybody else hates it though.”

By everybody else Sirius meant his dormmates, James, Remus and Peter.

“I love winter too.”

Not long after that Madam Rosmerta, the café’s waitress, brought Mary and Sirius their drinks, smiling delightfully and wishing them merry Christmas early. She was a sweet woman, and famous amongst the Hogwarts school boys for being their first crush. Mary thought that it was quite hilarious—Madam Rosmerta was just a waitress with full cleavage, big hair and a captivating smile. Nobody had ever dared to ask her age, which was reasonable enough.

“So, what’re you doing over Christmas break, ma chérie?” Sirius asked, taking a sip out of his coffee and eyeing Mary over the rim of his mug.

“What d’you think, mon chéri?” Mary returned the question with another question, very knowingly adapting the tone of her voice to a more flirtatious one. Flirting with Sirius was fun, but it was never serious.

Sirius had a grin on his face as he put the coffee mug down on the table and leaned back on his chair. “You're gonna see that guy back home, aren't ya—whatever his name is.”

“Ding, ding, ding,” Mary said and chuckled. “A point for Black, but not any more, ‘cause you can't remember the name.”

“How could I? You have so many suitors these days,” Sirius smirked.

Mary couldn’t disagree, but she could purse her lips together and tilt her head. “But none of them are him, eh?”

“You're a tease, MacDonald.”

“Oh, I know, Black.”

Mary sipped the delicious rosemary tea from the porcelain cup, but kept her eyes strictly at Sirius. There was a reason Mary had formed such a liking to Sirius through their years at school together; he was exactly like Gibsie personality wise, and that boy had been Mary’s first love and still was.

“You wanna know what I'm doing for my graded art project?” Mary asked, breaking the silence that had formed between her and Sirius.

“Tell me, darling,” he responded, this time leaning forward on his chair. And using an English term of endearment instead of a French one.

A smile rose onto Mary’s lips as she started explaining. “I’m doing a portrait of him with only writing the names of other boys I've kissed to try and forget his face. It’s black and white, quite horrible idea if you ask me, but oh, so beautiful.”

In no time was Sirius smiling too. “How can you be such a lover girl and a slag—no offense—at the same time?”

“It’s a talent,” Mary replied, not taking offense. Sirius didn't mean it as a pejorative, because he was just the same. There was no shame in messing around with other people when it came to Mary and Sirius.

“Oh, definitely. I admire your talent, MacDonald.”

“I know you do, dear.”

The conversation continued like it always did; they asked each other questions no one else did, and threw around flirtatious comments here and there. Mary liked to go on dates with Sirius that only the two of them knew were truly not dates. That way it all wasn't so serious and Mary didn't have to spend time getting to know boys she just wanted to snog eyes closed and a certain boy from London in mind. She assumed Sirius was doing the same with all those girls he was seeing, but he didn't know it himself. The lads never did—they were as clueless as fire hydrants on the side of the road. Mary on the other hand, she knew exactly what Sirius was.

First and foremost, he was only a guy, but then again, he was not a normal guy. There was no passion or desire behind Sirius’ kisses or touches, only an unknown feeling to him. He kept his eyes tightly closed, even when there was no need and Mary would’ve wanted him to see. That was probably what happened with the other girls too, but Sirius had no clue that it wasn't the norm. Obviously he must have had a liking for snogging since that was what he spent half of his free time doing, but Sirius was simply snogging all the wrong people. And Mary wouldn't be the one to tell that to him—he would have to find out for himself, no matter how difficult it would be and how much Mary wanted to say something to make him realise.

Sirius Black wouldn't accept it very easily either; he had been raised cruelly, without an ounce of empathy, and Mary was very aware of it. When the battle would eventually come, she would help Sirius through it with all she had, because she was gentle like that. Mary considered the people she loved lucky, because there wasn't a thing she wouldn't do for them. Hell, she would sail through all the oceans of the world if that's what it required for her loved one’s happiness.

As both Mary and Sirius were finished with their drinks, they decided to leave for Christmas shopping. Mary threw the warm jacket on her shoulders again, and tied the purple scarf loosely around her neck. Sirius only had his leather jacket as always and a pair of gray mittens he had basically stolen from Mary a few months ago. As they walked past the register, they waved farewells to Madam Rosmerta, who waved back enthusiastically.

The air outside was still freezing cold, and Mary could feel how her ears turned senseless the moment she stepped onto the street. Sirius just swung his right arm around her, letting Mary bury herself closer to his warm body. It was a crazy thing how Sirius never got cold—or if he did, he never told about it. To be honest, he was just the kind of person who wouldn't say anything about freezing his arse off, because he would see it as a sign of weakness.

Mary’s and Sirius’ first stop was the bookstore called Paperback Dreams. There weren't a lot of people inside the shop, so Mary and Sirius could walk around quite easily. The owner was a sweet older woman with a liking to romance books—Mary was pretty sure her name was Elizabeth. Sirius bought a book—which he didn't introduce Mary to any further—for Remus, whereas she picked a Charlotte Brontë book called ‘Jane Eyre’ for Lily. She had specifically requested it, so Mary was just doing her duty as a best friend.

As the two of them left the bookstore after paying, they decided to go to the record store; it was apparently Sirius’ favourite, and Mary didn't wonder why. Sirius loved music with every single piece of his soul. A little turn to their journey occurred as before they could even reach the record store—Sirius stopped in the middle of the street and so did Mary. It didn't take her too long to see why Sirius had stopped, and the moment she realised what was going on, Mary bursted into loud laughter.

Right outside Honeydukes, the sweet shop in Hogsmeade, were three familiar boys, peeking inside from the window. James was standing on a wide-rimmed flowerpot, Peter was next to him on his toes and Remus was facing towards the street, looking as uninterested as one could. That was probably why Remus was the first to notice Mary and Sirius. He waved to them nonchalantly, which made Sirius switch his place of destination immediately. Mary simply followed behind the black haired boy since she really had no other options.

“Oi, what’re you idiots doing?” Sirius asked loudly as they approached his dormmates. At that also James and Peter noticed him and Mary, and James returned back to street level, leaving the poor flowerpot alone.

“This idiot here,” Remus sighed pointedly at James, “was stalking Lily through a window.”

Sirius laughed, and a chuckle left Mary’s lips too. “Really? You're stalking my best friend, Potter?”

It seemed like that made James realise Lily was Mary’s dormmate although he had already known it damn well. “Please, Mary, don't tell her!”

She chuckled again. “Don't worry, I won’t. But that was weird as hell—I sure hope you don't stalk her more often.”

James scratched the back of his head with an uneasy expression. “Yeah, well, I wasn't stalking her!” he defended. “I was just seeing if she looked happy enough so I could try and ask her out.”

Remus groaned, and Sirius laughed. “Mate, didn't we just talk ‘bout this?”

“Multiple times,” Remus sighed.

“I just told him again,” Peter added.

“Can’t a man try?!” James looked offended by his friends’ reactions. “I know what you're all saying—friends, blah blah, just have a nice chat, blah blah blah, but what am I supposed to do with that when she won’t give me a chance?!”

Mary raised her eyebrows. “Geez, you could set a house on fire right now if James’ frustration was gasoline.”

Remus turned to look at her, forehead furrowed. “You sound more like Sirius everyday.”

“Hey!”

A look was passed between Sirius and Remus which was difficult to interpret—in fact, so difficult neither of the boys could do it, and Mary knew they couldn’t. The dimwits that the two truly were made her suffer internally.

“I didn't say it was a bad thing,” Remus defended.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You meant it. Bastard.”

Mary shook her head partly in amusement and partly in boredom. “Could we maybe continue? I still need to buy a present for Marls and my dada.”

Sirius turned to look at her with a smile on his face. “Yeah, I think I’m not very keen on stalking Lily with Prongs here.”

“For the second time, I was not stalking her!”

Remus looked somewhat annoyed by James, but he kept the tone of his voice neutral. “Can I come with you?”

“Yeah!” Sirius hurried to reply quickly.

It made Mary hide her smile into the big purple scarf around her neck.

“Oh you're leaving me alone with him; again?” Peter asked bitterly, pointing at James like he was the bloody plague.

“It went just fine the last time, right Wormy?” Sirius returned the question with a huge grin.

James had retreated back to the window, but this time he wasn't peeking through it while standing on a flowerpot—just on the ground.

“I hate you,” Peter declared with a frown on his mouth, but he didn't actually look all that pissed off.

“I’m sure you do,” Sirius smirked, pulling Mary closer to him again. “I hope you and Mr. desperate have fun!”

After that the Christmas shopping journey continued, and the only difference was Remus’ copulation. Mary liked the tall Englishman enough to joke around him like she always did with Sirius. Remus was pretty quiet, but when he opened up, he also revealed a surprisingly good sense of humour and a silly personality. That side of him stayed mostly hidden, but Mary wished it wouldn't—she enjoyed the funny, less overthinking Remus. So did Sirius, even though he would never say it out loud.

***

Monday, December 8th, 1975

“C’mon, Marls, you've got it!”

Mary could hear her own voice echo all around the football field as she cheered on Marlene. The blonde girl was currently putting all of her concentration into the football in front of her, probably trying to think of the best angle to try and shoot it into the goal. Mary knew literally nothing about football, but she was quite certain Marlene was practicing direct free kicks—the ones where a player attempts to make a goal directly without anyone else touching the ball first.

First Marlene took a short running start, angling her kick to the ball so that it landed onto the middle left of the net. Lestrade, the goalkeeper, had nearly gotten the ball, but seemed like only his fingers had touched it. Marlene celebrated her successful goal by swinging her arms in the air for Mary and blowing air kisses. Mary did the same back and laughed adoringly. She was so proud of Marlene for finding her joy at school, which was clearly football, and she couldn't help but smile as her dormmate practically leaped into James’ arms for a hug. The team captain returned Marlene’s hug gladly and spun her around in his arms once before returning her back to the ground. James was truly such a wholesome person that Mary couldn’t possibly understand why Lily didn't want anything to do with him. On top of it all, James was infuriatingly handsome.

As it became some other boy’s turn to try and shoot a direct goal, Marlene moved herself to the other side of the field where the rest were doing some ball control. That was the cue for Mary to take a more comfortable position in the stands and bury herself into the warm, fuzzy coat Lily had let her borrow. It was white and Mary feared she would smudge something on it, but that could be blamed on Lily. Why let someone borrow your white coat?

The air outside had changed into something very autumn-like during the Sunday evening as the temperature had risen above zero and it had rained. Now everything looked just like the classic ol’ dreary Scotland, and all the joy snow had brought Mary was gone. She knew the whiteness would probably be back by Christmas time, but she couldn't stand the damp, cold climate—not when her makeup and hair got all messed up. Moreover, Mary couldn’t wait for Christmas break, because she was finally going back home. It felt like she had wasted three, nearly four, whole months by being in bloody Scotland, when she could have spent it with the boy of her dreams as well.

Mary lived in Islington, north of London city centre, with his father and stepmother in a nice, middle class house. In the same type of house across from them lived Gibsie—actually Paul Gibson, but nobody ever called him that, except his mother. A few summers back he had moved there with his family, and Mary had gotten to know him instantly because of her curious, outgoing nature. She didn't remember much of it, but that they had gone for a few walks around the neighbourhood and Mary had shown him places. It hadn’t taken the two 13-year-olds longer than a week before they had shared their first kiss. From that point on, Mary had been whipped.

The naive teenage girl she had once been was gone by now, but Mary still felt the same way, and deducing by everything she shared with Gibsie nowadays, he wasn't standing on the same line. She knew he had other girls while Mary was at Hogwarts, but she didn't feel as horrible about it since she wasn’t perfect either. Gibsie just didn't know that every single time Mary kissed or messed around with someone else, she closed her eyes and imagined him there. He occupied every functioning thought inside her head, and Mary would probably never fully get rid of him. There was just something so special and remarkable about Gibsie she couldn't pinpoint but knew existed.

Once again, a smile had helplessly climbed onto Mary’s lips as her thoughts had drifted to Gibsie’s light brown curls, ocean blue eyes, and sun-kissed skin with freckles. That boy was the definition of beautiful, and Mary was sure his face would still show up in her dreams when she would be ninety, living in a nursing home with dementia.

“The world calls, MacDonald!”

At that Mary snapped out of her daydreaming and noticed that Marlene was now standing right behind the stands, one eyebrow raised and an amused expression on her face.

“Sorry, what?” Mary asked confusedly. As she moved her eyes along the football field, she noticed football practice had come to its end.

Marlene rolled her eyes animatedly. “I just asked if we’re still gonna go eat dinner.”

“Oh, yeah,” Mary nodded. “Let’s go.”

Then she stood up from her seat and exited the stands from the backside as Marlene jogged to pick up her stuff from the side of the field and joined Mary near the boys’ locker room. Marlene was obviously not allowed there as she was a girl, so she always had to change her clothes in the dorm, which was probably quite annoying for her.

For the whole way back to the school building, not a single word was exchanged between Mary and Marlene. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing; Marlene was probably just exhausted from practice and Mary was sailing somewhere in her own world. She had a habit of doing that whenever Gibsie crossed her mind. He was so bloody unforgettable that Mary felt a twist in her stomach just by thinking about his smile. It really was sickening—somehow in a good way.

As the two girls entered the castle-like building, Mary noticed immediately their third dormmate, Lily. She was apparently on her way to dinner too, which made Mary wave to her grandiloquently. “Hey, Lils!”

At that Lily spun her head around, noting Mary and Marlene and walking up to them with a slight smile on her lips. Lily’s auburn hair had been tied up negligently and she seemed a bit tired, which wasn't unusual, but Mary was worried she was overworking herself.

“Going to dinner?” Mary asked.

“Yeah,” Lily nodded.

The three girls continued the journey to the great hall, retrieving their food from the food line first and then picking a place to sit from an empty spot. Mary sat on the side facing the wall so all she could now see was Lily and Marlene. Both of them began eating right away, and Mary realised she had grown quite hungry too.

“What’chu been doing, Lils?” Mary asked though she basically already knew, shoving lettuce into her mouth.

Lily shrugged, staring down at her plate. “Did my biology homework and read some other stuff.”

“Final exams stuff?”

“Er, yeah.”

“Already?” Mary groaned. She couldn’t possibly fathom the fact that Lily felt the need to study for final exams that would be held in the spring, mid-May probably. She personally would start studying a week before and simply try to pass each of her exams—Mary felt like she had a future in something bigger than just a career that included theoretical subjects.

Lily raised her eyebrows. “As if you're actually shocked by me practicing already.”

“Yeah, true,” confessed Mary. “I just think it’s pointless to waste the whole year by studying.”

Lily rolled her eyes, probably because they had been over this exact conversation for thousands of times now. “I’m not wasting the whole year, Mary, I'm building a future for myself.”

“Yes, we’ve all heard this before,” Marlene cut in and stopped eating for a moment. “Mary thinks studying is stupid, ‘cause in her opinion passing is enough, and Lily thinks studying’s important, ‘cause she wants to excel and be like a lawyer or something big.”

A moment of silence fell over and Marlene went back to eating.

“I appreciate your perspectives, Marls,” Mary then said as politely as she could and continued to eat too.

“Yes, very perspective speaking,” Lily added. Mary wasn't completely certain, but she was pretty sure she could hear a sarcastic tone in Lily’s voice. Sometimes she did that—not out of spite or annoyance but entirely by accident.

In about ten minutes they all succeeded to finish dinner without it being interrupted by another question, and Mary was glad she was full again, not feeling any agitation by the pounding in her head that usually occurred when she was hungry. Lily got angry too when she hadn’t eaten for a while, and that was one of the main reasons the 7B dorm had a stale atmosphere sometimes. Marlene was often just a peacekeeper or then she didn't take any part in any disagreement, which could be irritating, but then again very smart. Mary was aware that hers and Lily’s arguments were petty and stupid most of the time.

“So, we got any plans for the rest of the evening?” Mary inquired and put down her cutlery, glancing up at her dormmates.

Marlene shrugged. “I don't know ‘bout you, but I'm gonna take a shower.”

Lily seemed rather thoughtful. “I should get some of my Spanish exercises done, ‘cause I really won’t have time tomorrow.”

Mary pursed her lips, weighing her options of tonight's activities. “So that leaves me with either a boy or a tired Marlene.”

Marlene scoffed, but didn't deny it.

“You really don't have any other ways of spending time than snogging boys?” Lily asked, but not condescendingly.

“I do, but they’re not as interesting.”

“And you think the boys you spend time with are interesting?” Marlene asked, looking like she absolutely despised the thought of even looking at one of Mary’s previous boyfriends, which she probably did.

“Well, when you start reading people they can get reeeally interesting,” Mary pointed out and turned around on the table to prove her point. “You see Jeff Byler sitting with his girlfriend there?”

“Yeah,” Lily and Marlene replied in unison.

Mary turned back around. “He actually hates his girlfriend, but will never say it to her, ‘cause he wants to prove to his friends he’s capable of having a girlfriend.”

Lily shifted her gaze to Mary but Marlene kept on watching Jeff and his girlfriend. “How d’you know that?” Lily asked.

“She's always with him and his friends, but I never see the two of them alone. He also looks pretty uncomfortable every time she touches him or kisses him or anything,” Mary answered.

Marlene took his eyes off of Jeff and the girl too. “I think you're right—she just kissed him and he looked like he could throw up.”

Mary snorted and Lily shook her head both in amusement and all seriousness. “He’s a complete arsehole. But Mary, you are– Oh how I wish you were interested in studying, ‘cause you should definitely start a career in psychology.”

That earned an unbelieving huff from Mary. “I wouldn't be great at that.”

Lily shook her head. “You so would.”

“I think so too,” Marlene agreed, and Mary felt her cheeks burn hot.

“Don't make me rethink my entire moral compass.”

Lily just laughed. “I never knew it’d be so easy to make you do that.”

“Oh, you’re annoying today.”

Lily smirked. “Can you tell me why, Dr. MacDonald?”

“Oh, dear God,” Mary sighed. “You need someone else to annoy—someone named James Potter perhaps.”

At that Lily’s face changed to something completely flat and the joking tone of her voice was gone in an instant. “Sod off, Mary.”

“Give it a break, eh?” There it was—Marlene the peacekeeper.

Mary just smiled. “Never.”

Lily rolled her eyes but a smile was twitching onto her lips too.

Mary really loved her friends beyond all.

***

The evening activity Mary had decided to take up on wasn't very surprising, but it definitely was surprisingly enjoyable. She would have never thought Ronan Chafford to be such a good kisser—boys rarely were. The only guy, except Gibsie, who had managed to impress Mary by his snogging skills had been Sirius, but Ronan here was a close second. Kissing Sirius was impatient, hungry and sometimes even sweet, and kissing Ronan was more like petting a dog, but after a long day, so it felt very nice and relaxing.

As Mary’s back was pressed against a cold wall and fingers were dancing on the hem of her skirt, she let out a giggle that came out infuriatingly nervous. Mary was never unnerved and she hated the feeling. Ronan’s lips met hers again, this time with a little more passion and Mary could deduce he liked the bare skin of her thighs. But then again, who didn't? Mary was nothing but aware that she had nice legs.

In return, Mary wrapped her arms tightly around Ronan’s muscular upper body, purposefully tickling the thin skin on the back of his neck. He was on the football team, broad all around, quite tall and hard to reach, but Mary could do it pretty easily as she was practically clinging onto Ronan like a bloody monkey. Snogging in the astronomy tower was appreciated by many students but beyond them all by Mary; there were easy spots to sit on, even lay on, good walls to make out against and the vibe was just right. It wasn't even as cold as you would think—it was comfortably cool.

Another giggle left Mary’s lips as Ronan lifted her onto an old desk that most definitely wasn't in use anymore since it was stacked just next to the spiraling staircase leading to the tower. For a while Mary could catch her breath as Ronan looked her in the eye and tucked her hair behind her ears. It was kind of cute, but it meant absolutely nothing to Mary. It never did and over time she had come over of feeling bad about it. These guys didn't want anything special from her either—they were after her body and she knew it better than they sometimes did.

That was one of the reasons Sirius was so different from all the other boys. It certainly didn't make him Gibsie, but it made him an emotional replica of him, which Mary definitely needed. She missed Gibsie so fucking much it couldn’t be put to words, and kissing Ronan’s lips only reminded her more of Gibsie the more she concentrated on the memories of him. Perhaps that was why simply talking to Sirius helped; he spoke nearly the same as Gibsie and for a moment Mary was feeling all the same feelings with Sirius than she was with Gibsie. Oh, how wrong it was, but how she couldn't stop doing it. And to Mary’s defense, she wasn’t exactly a very romantic piece on Sirius’ chessboard either.

A pleased yelp escaped Mary’s lips as Ronan began kissing her jawline and neck, and Mary could lean her head back, closing her eyes and drifting into her own world again. Ronan’s mouth wasn't working as good as Gibsie’s but it still felt nice. Not phenomenal, but good enough for Mary to enjoy the moment. She laughed softly as Ronan unbuttoned her blouse fully, revealing Mary’s almost bare chest for himself. The kisses lowered all the way down to her stomach and it tickled, but Mary was too busy picturing Gibsie’s curls and blue eyes in front of her to pay attention to it.

All of a sudden Ronan’s lips stopped moving and he moved further away from Mary, and she realised subconsciously that a door had opened somewhere. Quickly, she wrapped her blouse around the bare skin of her torso and watched where Ronan’s gaze was leading; on the other side of the tower was another pair of students, who had apparently noticed Mary and Ronan by the looks of it.

“Oh, sorry!” the blonde girl who Mary recognised finally by her voice apologised and giggled after. “We thought nobody would be here.”

“It’s no problem,” Mary replied with an awkward smile though her voice didn't sound exactly careless.

The blonde girl who had walked in was Peter’s older sister, Lorelei, who was in year 12 and the boy she was with was most definitely her current boyfriend. Mary deduced they were up to just the same as her and Ronan, because a slight blush had risen onto Lorelei’s cheeks and she was holding the hand of the boy who was just staring. The dim lighting in the astronomy tower made it hard to see anything but Mary still noticed how Lorelei was smiling—she usually was. Peter’s older sister was really beautiful, and she was clever too. Lorelei was the picture perfect daughter and nobody could hate her for that since she was also kind and considerate. That boyfriend of hers didn't seem very courteous though; he looked quite bitter in fact.

“Er… I think we’ll go somewhere else,” Lorelei said then, laughing after her words and walked the short way up to the door on the other side of the circular room on the top of the tower. Her boyfriend followed her close behind, holding her hand. “Bye, Mary!” was the last thing Lorelei quipped before disappearing behind the door again with the boy.

Mary let out a small laugh, hanging her head low and smiling to herself. She had been walked on numerous times before and this definitely hadn’t been the worst—maybe even the best.

“You know Pettigrew?” Ronan asked with a nuance of confusement in his voice, making Mary raise her eyes to him again. Ronan’s dark hair wasn't the same as Gibsie’s light brown curls, and his brown eyes certainly weren't the same as Gibsie’s blue eyes, but they were near enough when Mary closed her eyes.

“Not directly,” answered Mary. “Her brother’s in my year.”

“Oh, that's right. Lorelei’s in my year.”

“Yeah.”

And that was how long the conversation lasted before Ronan’s lips searched for Mary’s own once again. It felt alright just like before, but nothing could ever capture the sting of Gibsie’s lips and hands running all over Mary’s body. She didn't feel guilty for searching for Gibsie in every other boy, because if one could feel love so strongly, it couldn’t possibly be a sin. Hell, Mary wouldn't even care if it was sinful of her to do what she did—love really had no limits when it was done right. That she had learned from her father, which was arguably a bad thing, but somehow it validated Mary of all her feelings.

Mary’s mother had died when she had been scarcely 5-years-old. There wasn't much to remember, but Mary could recall little things like her mum reading her a bedtime story every night and teaching her the names of flowers that grew on the side of their street. Mary could still name them all, and every time she saw a flower, it reminded her of her mother—most of all every golden-coloured flower since her mother's name had been Marigold. A bit amusing really, Mary’s mother being Marigold, but the name had suited her better than anyone else.

Mary’s father on the other hand was a serious man, who definitely had a sweet and caring side but it was deeply hidden most of the time. Mary couldn’t truly remember the moments her parents had shared together, but she knew by the way her father talked of her mother that they had owned unconditional love for one another. Mary’s father still did even though he was now dating another woman. Lucia had moved from Italy a few years ago, because she had fallen in love with Mary’s father to the core while they had been there for the whole summer of '72. Mary could still recall the warm beach days with her father and Lucia playing in the blue sea water like they were young again, the late evenings spent at local restaurants and the salty smell of Lucia’s beach house. It had been the sweetest summer of Mary’s life although it had been rough to see her father fall in love with someone that wasn't her mother.

Mary didn't think badly of any of it though; Lucia could never be a replacement for her mum, but she was an amazing stepmother. She had taught Mary how to cook—or at least tried to—and how to do makeup and how to dress fashionably. It was great to have someone like Lucia at home, who cared and loved but didn't want to be a substitute for Marigold. And it was the best feeling ever when Mary was able to see her father happy again, smiling and laughing, not crying every night when it was time for Mary’s bedtime story. Lucia had cured something inside the man Mary couldn’t name, and she was glad her father had let her.

Perhaps she wished someone would be able to fill the void inside of her that Gibsie left every time they had to part after the summer or Christmas holidays. Mary acknowledged he wasn't the one for her, just because she wasn’t the one for him. Gibsie didn't love her enough—he thought she was as good as a summer girlfriend, whilst Mary was dreaming of marrying him one day. It would never work properly and that was fine. Mary simply wanted her own Lucia to come into her life when Gibsie would someday be old enough and move into his own apartment, forgetting Mary when she wouldn't live next door anymore.

It wasn't positive thinking, but realistic. Mary had to face reality every day, because otherwise she would be a wrecked version of herself who had no self respect, no confidence and no goals in life.

In other words, Mary had to be strong and hopeful to be able to fly through her life, because otherwise she would be completely doomed.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, December 10th, 1975

“Dear, are you completely sure about that? Would you mind asking him again?”

Effie Potter was acting like the overbearing mother she truly was once again, and James couldn’t be anything else except grateful about that. He really loved his parents and the way they cared about Sirius too.

“I’m sure,” James responded, sighing disappointedly. There was absolutely no way they could get Sirius to spend Christmas at their house—Walburga and Orion Black would never agree to it. “His mum’ll never let him.”

“That's just so cruel!” James’ mother complained from the other side of the line. He had made his weekly phone call to his parents since it was Wednesday, and this time it had mostly been about Christmas. It would only be a week and a half of school before James and every other student at Hogwarts would return home for the holidays.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Yes, well, you ask Sirius again, but I think your father still wants to talk to you,” Effie stated, clearly upset about the Sirius-situation.

“Yeah, okay.”

There was some noise on the other side of the phone, and James took a more comfortable position, leaning his back against the wall, before a new voice spoke out.

“Hey, son, how’s everything going?” Fleamont Potter managed to sound somewhat cheerful despite his shared disappointment about Sirius not being able to come over for Christamas.

“Football’s been great,” James started with a subject the most interesting to both him and his father. “I think I’ve been doing a great job as a captain, ‘cause we’ll probably have a good chance in the championship now!”

“That's wonderful, James.”

“I know, right? And I don't think my school’s going too bad either.”

James’ father uttered a low laugh at that, and he knew by the sounds of it that his dad also had a wide smile on his face. “You mean you've been getting above 50 in languages?”

“Yeah,” James replied, laughing a little at that. “But maths is more my subject as you know.”

“We know that,” Fleamont reassured gently.

There was a moment of silence before James’ father opened his mouth again. “How’s the girlfriend thing going these days?”

James chuckled at the memory of him swearing to his dad at the train station in late August that this year he would finally get a girlfriend. It wasn't going so well, but James was convinced Lily would warm up any day now. “Er… There's been words exchanged.”

“Well that's vague,” his father chuckled amusedly and James really wanted to hit his forehead onto the stone wall next to him.

“There's a girl but she really doesn't want a boyfriend,” he elaborated.

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” James continued. “She's very school-oriented. Like, very school-oriented.”

Fleamont sighed, but not in a way that made James think of his word choices. “Women are difficult, aren't they?”

“Are you talking about me there, darling? Because I am certainly not difficult.” James heard his mother defend herself in the background and laughed at that.

“Are you sure ‘bout that?”

“Oh, definitely.”

“Sweetheart, remember the time you insisted on me picking the colour of our new curtains, but the moment I did that, you wanted to change them?”

“That was purely because–”

“Hello? Your son’s still on the line,” James interrupted as his parents got sidetracked onto their own discussion.

His father coughed, clearly a bit embarrassed. “Sorry about that, boy. Anything else you would’ve liked to tell me?”

“Don't know if I’m in the mood anymore,” James answered, but not in a way that indicated he saw his parents bickering as a negative thing. It was kind of sweet, really.

“Oh, well, we both apologise profusely.”

“Apology accepted. For now at least,” James said, realising then that he should have been on his way to Slughorn’s classroom already. “Hey, dad, I gotta go so I'll call you next week, eh?”

“What? You've got detention again?” Fleamont asked, but not disapprovingly, more like he was interested in the topic.

“Erm… yeah. Nothing stupid though,” James replied. Nothing stupid translated into him and Sirius breaking a chair in the middle of chemistry class, but since it had been James’ chair, he was doing an extra hour of detention for it.

“I should hope so,” his father mused. “We’ll talk again next week. Make sure to behave, son.”

“That I'll do,” James responded though there was hardly anything about going to detention that resembled good behaviour.

“Good thing.”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “See ya, dad.”

“See you, James.”

Then he ended the call, putting the telephone reluctantly back to where it belonged. James truly loved the Wednesday calls he shared with his parents, and it was always saddening to end them. Tonight it was necessary though. Begrudgingly James began his journey towards the first floor where Slughorn’s classroom was. There weren't a lot of students around since dinner had just ended and everybody was either off to their extracurricular activities, studying or hanging out with friends. James did pass a few teachers though, but he simply greeted them happily. All of them already knew he was one of the students at Hogwarts with the most hours logged in detention.

As James finally reached Slughorn’s class, the clock in the hallway hit six, which meant he would get a comment about being late, even if it was only for a few seconds. The door was closed so James knocked, trying his best not to sigh out of frustratement as it took an eternity for Slughorn to open it.

“Oh, there you are Potter. I feared you might be late,” Slughorn stated absent-mindedly and adjusted the glasses on his wrinkly nose on a better angle so he could stare James from through them—not over them. “Come in. I don’t have any tasks for you, so you're required to sit on your seat quietly. No interacting with other students allowed.”

As Slughorn listed his usual rules, James took a seat from the middle of the classroom. There were three other students in the room; one of them was Barty Crouch whom James had been in detention with too many times before, one was another year 10 boy and the last was a year 12 girl unfamiliar to James. The chair he had to apparently sit on for the next hour was particularly uncomfortable, and James would have switched it if the exact reason for him sitting there wasn't for breaking a bloody chair in that exact class.

Time began passing infuriatingly slowly as James just sat there, glaring at Slughorn grading some papers since he didn't have any other form of entertainment. The old man could be extremely irritating at times but usually he was pleasant enough and his classes were nice. James didn't have a huge interest for chemistry nor biology—the subjects Slughorn taught—but he was alright at chemistry as it was on some levels related to maths. Slughorn was also the sort of teacher who made students experiment and explore in class, which was a good thing. Some teachers were just so stuck-up it annoyed the hell out of James.

When about twenty minutes had slipped by, James heard a loud thud somewhere from the hallway followed by another and then a noisy yell. It seemed like Slughorn had heard it too since he raised his head as yet another thump occurred. Then Slughorn stood up from his desk and walked up to the door. James truly had no clue what was going on, but he was glad as the teacher disappeared into the hallway and he could lean lazily on his chair without a criticising pair of eyes glancing at him every once in a while.

Unfortunately, it seemed like James couldn’t get a singular moment of peace.

“What’re you here for Potter? Try to humiliate Snape again, or fumbling in front of that ginger chick?” Barty Crouch sneered from behind James, and as he turned around he could see how the younger boy was leaning over from his desk, a smug smirk on his face. God, how James wanted to swipe it off.

“S’none of your business, Crouch,” he answered and eyed Barty from head to toe. That didn't seem to have any effect on him.

“Ah, you're bitter so must be that Evans girl,” Barty continued in a sardonic tone of voice, leaning even closer to James. “What a pity she's still not interested in you! After what, two years of your endless whining and she still hasn't warmed up to you. I wonder why that could be…”

Barty Crouch was an annoying little brat, and James couldn’t tell if there was anyone else as bad as him. Crouch was simply an idiot; he was dormmates with Sirius’ brother, and James even felt a little bad for Regulus. Barty’s father was in England’s ministry and nearly every teacher already knew who Crouch was when they read his name from the attendance sheet. That still didn't stop him from being a total arsehole with an infuriating habit of making other people’s blood boil for no good reason.

“When will you fuck off?” James asked, clearly frustrated but he couldn't care less about whether Crouch could detect it or not.

“I don't know,” The younger boy mocked, hazel eyes burning holes into James. “When will you get the Evans girl, captain?”

And that was enough for James. He didn't even know what his own body was going to do before an elbow—that apparently belonged to James himself—had hit Barty Crouch in the face with all of its force, and the dark haired boy had fallen down from his chair to the cold, hard floor. Like a reflex, James stood up from his seat hurriedly, hitting the same elbow on the side of his chair painfully and watched Crouch roll on the floor in agony, grunting, and holding his actually bleeding nose. There was too much of blood, and fucking hell how James’ elbow hurt. And it looked quite weird too.

Had he truly just hit someone?

“Bloody hell!” Barty groaned out loud, and just at that moment James realised they weren’t alone. The other year 10 boy and year 12 girl were also staring, both looking quite horrified.

“Oh Jesus Christ and all of his family membres,” James muttered under his breath, quickly grabbed his school bag and just as he was about to exit the classroom in buzzing guilt, Slughorn walked in.

Oh shit.

James had a feeling he was about to get a lot more detention.

“Potter, what on Earth is going on?” Slughorn asked worriedly, his face twisting into confusement, anger and disgust at the same time.

Barty moaned in pain again. “He hit me!”

Fingers were pointed and James stood there very awkwardly, trying to tune out the growing ache in the elbow he had previously swung at Crouch. “Professor, I swear this isn't what it looks like! Crouch just annoy–”

“Not yet, Potter,” Slughorn interrupted, shaking his head in disappointment. “Both of you will go to the hospital wing. No arguments there. And you”—Slughorn pointed at the other students present—“will tell me exactly what happened.”

And without an argument, James and Barty were on their way to the Hospital wing, chaperoned by Filch. Undoubtably James’ biggest fucking dream.

***

“That bloody hurts!” James winced as Poppy—officially Madam Pomfrey, the school nurse/doctor/everything—touched his right elbow again, trying to go for a soft handle, but it felt like someone was trying to rip the whole arm off. He was laying on a bloody hospital bed, and he probably looked as awful as he felt.

“I know, dear,” Poppy comforted, but it was clear she was quite agitated too. Apparently it wasn't very fun to listen to two students bickering for half an hour while you simply tried to do your work. Fortunately, Crouch had been moved into a private room after his nose had been temporarily fixed. “You’ve dislocated your elbow, that's kind of supposed to hurt. And if we’re being honest, it was your own fault, sweetie.”

James groaned and threw his head back. “I didn't even realise at first it was me who hit him! Also, could I get some more painkillers? I seriously don’t think this is supposed to hurt this much.”

Madam Pomfrey sighed and shook her head subtly. “I’m sorry but I can't give you any more medicine, dear. Adrenaline made it hurt less at first, trust me, but now that you've calmed down and recognised the situation, the pain is more prominent.”

“How the hell did I even end up here?” James muttered to himself, questioning every choice he had made in the past hour. The worst pain might have been over—Poppy putting his bones back in the right order, which had hurt like hell by the way—but James still had an extremely uncomfortable sensation tickling through his whole arm. All because Barty Crouch couldn’t have shut his idiotic, big mouth.

A knock onto the hospital wing door made James sit up straighter, which also caused more pain to his elbow. Poppy scolded him for that wordlessly, but stopped applying the ointment, stood up and went to open the door.

For James’ misfortune, his day simply got worse by the second.

“James Fleamont Potter, what were you thinking?!” McGonagall marched into the hospital room with her hands on her hips, a mad look on her face and heavy breathing. She looked like she had just ran there from the other side of the school, which she probably had, and James would be lying if he didn't admit he feared angry McGonagall more than anything.

“I’m sorry,” James murmured, looking at the floor like it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

“Sure you are,” McGonagall scoffed, and Poppy returned to applying the ointment onto James’ elbow, making him wince of pain once again. “Hitting another student like that?! That's very ungracious of you, you understand that, right? Potter, you're the football team captain—you can't go around punching other students in the face!”

McGonagall really reminded James of his mother right now.

“Look, I know it was a mistake,” he defended, finally daring to raise his eyes to look into McGonagalls. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”

“I’m gonna put on the cast now,” Madam Pomfrey cut in and flashed a sweet smile to James before going to fetch something from another room.

“I’m gonna get a cast?!” he whined, thinking about the direction his football career was going.

“Well, yes, sweetie, you did dislocate your elbow, but don't worry, it only takes 6 to 12 weeks to heal.”

“Six to twelve weeks?!” James moaned as he covered his face with the hand he could move and sunk further down in the hospital bed.

McGonagall coughed, clearing her voice. “Well, I see you're getting a punishment in one way or another.”

James moaned again. What would his mother do when she would hear about it?!

“Please don't give me a play ban too!” he begged, finally removing the hand from his face.

McGonagall’s expression was quite unreadable, but James could see glimpses of both amusement and vexation. “You will be unable to play anyway, Potter, so yes, if that's what it takes to keep you out of the football field, I will give you a play ban.”

“But I can still be there for training, right?” James inquired in worry as the championship popped into his mind. How would they ever win that if the captain couldn’t attend training and be there for his team?

“You can sit in the stands, observe and give proposals of improvement. Hooch will lead the practice whilst you're on ban.”

“You're letting Hooch give orders to my team?”

“No need to be dramatic, Potter. Hooch is professional and extremely capable.”

James couldn’t believe it; one miscalculated move against Barty Crouch and his life was taking an extremely unpleasant turn. Okay, perhaps that really was a bit too dramatic, but it was still bad if James couldn’t train and improve the team’s spirit for numerous months.

“I also have to give you detention, because as you are aware, you broke a school rule considering assaulting other students and that–”

“I can't think of detention too now!” James groaned and sunk even further into the bed. Poppy had returned several moments ago with the cast in her hands but James hadn’t yet given her a chance to place it.

“A week from now, Potter,” McGonagall said then, not appreciating James’ wishes. “Every evening at seven in my office. And remember, I am being merciful.”

James had to swallow the words ‘sure you are’ so that he wouldn't get another week of sitting at McGonagall’s office. The three days at Slughorn’s had been quite enough as it seems.

“Sweetie, could you lift your arm so I could put the cast on?” Madam Pomfrey asked, waking James up from his wallowing.

“Er, yeah,” he replied and lifted his right arm the best he could. It hurt. It hurt very much in fact, and McGonagall’s incessant staring didn't help at all.

As Poppy put on the arm cast, the pain began feeling a little less insufferable, but James’ elbow was still extremely sore. Honestly, he would have rather lost sight in one eye as he was partly bloody blind anyway, because at least that wouldn't affect his life so much. James couldn’t play football for months, everything would probably give him pain such as showering, eating and sleeping. There was only one positive thing about this whole thing: James couldn’t write, which correlated to him not being able to do homework. A blessing, truly.

“I think we’re all set here,” Poppy announced after a while and took her hands off of the white cast, looking then at James. “Does it feel alright?”

He tried to move his arm. Ouch. “No, it hurts.”

“Not your arm. The cast, darling.”

“Oh.” James didn't fucking know how the cast was meant to feel around his aching elbow. “I guess?”

Poppy’s smile reminded James more of a frown, but he didn't take that as a negative thing. The last thing he needed at the moment was another setback.

“So can I go?” he asked, enthusiastic to finally get out of the bloody hospital wing.

“Technically, yes.”

“Oh, thank God,” James quipped and stood up from the bed, balancing himself on his legs. The arm felt strange, and it would clearly take him a while to get used to the cast.

“Remember those detentions, Potter,” McGonagall said before James could disappear anywhere. “I will inform your team, but you can decide whether to tell them the details of your accident or not.”

At that James chuckled. “My accident?”

“Don't play with my patience, Potter,” the older woman warned with a serious expression. “Go on, I'll be seeing you.”

James took those words as a command and he waved a goodbye to both Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall with his left hand as he exited the hospital wing. Poppy had given him some stronger painkillers, but James couldn't guarantee yet if they would work effectively enough since the pain was truly unbearable. At least Crouch had gotten exactly what he deserved—James had actually loved the look of distraught on his face as he had been rolling on the floor of Slughorn’s classroom. Sadly, nobody important had been there to experience it.

Oh shit. James would have to tell Sirius, Remus and Peter his elbow had dislocated because he had hit Barty Crouch in the face. Well, they most definitely wouldn't judge him, but some part of James realised to be nervous about the near future.

The whole way back to the 11A dorm felt like torture—not because of James’ elbow but the fact that Sirius would probably throw a party over Barty’s fate. Wednesday drinking was never a good idea, but somehow it had still happened multiple times in the past. James wouldn't essentially be against drinking, but seeing as he had a class at eight tomorrow, it wouldn't do him any good. Though there was the elbow and James could invoke that as a reason why he had been late or not able to attend the class. Oh Jesus, maybe he should just return home early and avoid all problems his outburst would cause in the next week and a half.

As James reached the familiar dorm, he opened the door begrudgingly, and he could feel the atmosphere that already was in there. It told him Sirius was too giddy to be living inside of his own skin, Remus was done with the day already, and Peter had been properly kissed by Camila today.

“What the hell is that on your arm, Prongs?” The question left Sirius’ lips as soon as James had closed the door behind him and stepped into the room.

Now three pairs of eyes were staring at him confusedly, and James put on an awkward smile before answering. “Er… I sort of hit Crouch in the face when I was in detention and–”

“Oh my God!” Sirius interrupted with a gasp and rose from his bed like God had actually stepped into his presence. “You hit Barty Crouch? Did he at least bleed? Was there a lot of blood?”

“What are you? A sadist?” Remus scoffed from his bed.

Sirius rolled his eyes at the tall boy. “Seriously, did he get a nosebleed as bad as Mulciber?”

“I think so,” James replied and let the wide grin set onto his lips. “He fell to the floor and was moaning like a little girl.”

“Bloody hell, Prongs! You're a legend!” Sirius beamed, just like James had expected.

“Is your arm okay, though?” Peter asked slowly. He had a truly worried look on his face and at that moment James remembered he would be disabled for months from now.

“No,” he responded truthfully. “I dislocated my elbow.”

“Oh shit,” Sirius murmured, his eyes trailing to the cast on James’ arm.

“That's about three months of healing, innit?” Remus asked on his behalf, eyebrows furrowed.

“Six to twelve weeks, whatever months that is.”

The tranquility that fell into the dorm briefly didn't last very long before Sirius opened his mouth again. “So, Prongs, as Barty Crouch finally got what’s been creeping up on him for years now, I really think we have a very reasonable excuse to celebrate.”

“Really?” Remus sighed.

“We have school tomorrow,” Peter added.

“Are you trying to imply we haven't drunk before on a school day?” Sirius asked, turning around to look at Remus and Peter.

“No,” they replied simultaneously. “I just think it’s a bad idea,” Remus continued.

“I don't think it’s a bad idea,” James blurted out and regretted it immediately.

“See!” Sirius exclaimed happily. “It’s majority against minority!”

“Since when was two a bigger number than two?” Remus asked, his eyebrows raised to the hairline.

“Since me and Prongs are way more influential than you two.”

“Your logic’s terrible.”

“But you like it anyway, Moony.”

***

When Sirius Black truly put his mind onto something, it was nearly always deemed to happen. Somehow Peter had managed to find a gin bottle from their dorm that had been purposefully hidden when they had last been drunk, but the hiding place had been quite horrible. The gin’s original meaning had been to be drunk on Remus’ birthday in March, but who were they fooling? Going over three months without drinking was almost like an impossibility in the 11A dorm.

Even with a freshly injured arm and painkillers in his blood system that wouldn't probably be for any good, James had given in too. He definitely shouldn't have, but it felt quite nice once again to live in a careless world where nothing was ever so serious. Judging by the wide smile on Sirius’ face, subtle happiness on Remus’, and a loud laugh that Peter uttered, they weren’t very gloomy about drinking either. It was getting late too, but none of them truly knew what the time was as no one had thought to look at the clock. The only thing James knew was that the Queen record Sirius had wanted to play had now been fully listened to and he had just set it from the beginning again.

“So, listen,” Sirius stammered and raised up one of his hands like he was giving a meaningful speech, “now that we have two gangsters among us, who do we think should be our ring leader?”

Remus was mid smoking and had to cough seemingly painfully as he heard what Sirius said, but James and Peter just chuckled.

“It’s obviously Moony—he hit Mulciber like a professional!” James answered with full confidence, and winked at Remus who looked now rather bitter.

“First of all, there's no gang. Second of all, I'm not the leader.”

“You so would be!” Peter argued and drank the last remains of the liquid from the gin bottle. The alcohol had decreased as quickly as you could have expected.

“I would not,” Remus snapped, but didn't look actually angry. He was sitting down on the floor with Sirius, who had just now put his hand on Remus’ thigh, and patted it a few times, apparently trying to comfort the taller boy.

“That's exactly what a ring leader would say, but don't worry, we won’t expose you.” That earned a painful looking kick to Sirius’ leg, which didn't seem to budge him at all.

“Okay but realistically, if we were in a gang, I think Moony would be the hitman,” Peter said with a thoughtful expression. He was sitting on his bed, legs crossed and the empty gin bottle in between them.

“Really? We have to continue this?”

“Oh, yes we do!” Sirius laughed. “And I agree, ‘cause I think Moony’s already a secret assassin.”

“Jesus Christ.”

Remus looked actually so pained that James began laughing simply by watching his friend suffer. “Y’know, you're so dramatic but nobody gives you credit for it.”

“I’m dramatic? Have you seen Sirius?” Remus questioned, his eyebrows raised so high James thought they could just fly away.

“Oi, Prongs isn’t very subtle either, is he?!”

Peter was laughing loudly in the background as the three of them continued the argument about who was the most dramatic. Everybody knew the one and only true answer was Sirius, but as the black haired boy would never admit to defeat, it couldn’t be confirmed.

“Hey!” A sudden yelp from Sirius made everyone else completely freeze. “This is my favourite off this album!”

After that Sirius got up, clearly excited about the Queen song that James recognised only moments after from the memorable intro. It was ‘Killer Queen’, and he could instantly remember a few times Sirius had raved in the dorm to the rhythm of that exact beat. It seemed like this would be another one of those moments, just with a touch of alcohol and tiredness.

“She keeps her Moet et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
“Let them eat cake”, she says
Just like Marie Antoinette”

Sirius sang effortlessly, his voice blending in with Freddie Mercurys. Sometimes it felt like singing was just like drinking water for him; it came so naturally and didn't take any actual input. James couldn’t do anything else than admire the talent, because Sirius’ voice really was extraordinary. Remus seemed like he was enjoying the show too, his lips whipped into a wide smile and the last of his smoking cigarette between his fingers. Peter was simply observing, but didn't exactly look like he was against what Sirius was doing.

“Moony, take the bass, I know you can play this!” Sirius shouted contently in between the lyrics, and made Remus’ face flush red. James knew they had been recently hanging out in the music room together—Sirius and Remus—but he hadn’t been aware Remus could now play the bass.

“Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette”

As Sirius was giving the show, he also reached for the guitar that currently lay on his bedside and took it onto his lap while singing, quickly connecting it to the amplifier also next to his bed. Remus on the other hand had obeyed Sirius (an extremely rare occurrence) and walked up to his closet. Apparently there was a whole bass guitar inside, and James couldn’t resist the astonishment he felt when Remus took the bass onto his lap, connecting it to the amplifier too, and sat down onto Peter’s bed next to him which was closest to the closet. As the chorus eased into another verse, Remus' fingers seemed to find their place and he began playing the strings out of memory. James was amazed—not only because Remus could play the bass, but because it sounded great. Especially when combined with Sirius’ singing and now guitar.

“Met a man from China
Went down to Geisha Minah
Then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined”

Sirius and Remus sounded perfect together, and James could hardly even hear the actual song playing from the record player anymore. Sirius had closed his eyes and regardless of the amount of gin that had been passed down in his system, he played and sang like an old stager, which seemingly encouraged Remus. A smile was growing onto Remus’ lips, his fingers had found a good rhythm and he was also slightly bobbing his head to it. James couldn’t do anything else than adore his friends’ small performance, and it didn't look like Peter was having a horrible time either. In fact, he was moving his right foot in the beat, and watching Remus play next to him like it was truly breath-taking. Okay, it kind of was.

“She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam”

The chorus came around again, and even James gave in and started singing. His voice reminded more of a seagull than it did a human, but did it really matter? The only thing important enough was that James was having fun and that he definitely was as he sang with Sirius through the rest of the song and swung on his bed from side to side like he was dancing. And it appeared he wasn't the only one having fun; all four of the boys were beaming in joy, and James really enjoyed witnessing that. His smile only widened when the song came to its end and they all began laughing, despite whether it was the gin’s fault or not.

“I really didn't know if you got it down yet or not.” Sirius was the first to speak, breathing heavily and looking at Remus. The brown haired boy didn't seem offended by that—he simply smiled again.

“Yeah, well, I didn't know either.”

Another wave of laughter swept over all four boys, and James had nearly managed to forget the unbearable pain in his elbow as he leaned back on his bed, and elbow met wall. “Fuck! Bollocks, I’d forgotten ‘bout that.”

Sirius had to fold himself as he fell into a new fit of loud laughter. “That's fucking hilarious!” he howled from between laughing.

Remus and Peter both shook their heads amusedly, and James was now holding his right arm like a baby. Barty Crouch’s nose was truly ruining his life—how bloody pathetic.

“How do you even dislocate an elbow by hitting someone with it?” Peter asked, his words followed by a chuckle.

James looked at him helplessly. “Honestly, no fucking clue. If it helps, I think I hit the chair accidentally right after.”

“And how did you manage to do that?” Remus continued, still holding the bass on his lap.

James shrugged. “Don't have an answer to that either.”

Right after those words he realised Sirius had gone awfully quiet, which really didn't happen often. As James shifted his gaze onto his best friend, he couldn’t resist the laugh he uttered but later felt bad about. Sirius’ face had gone pale, his lips had turned into a frown and he looked like he was about to puke. It seemed like Remus and Peter had noticed his abrupt silence too, and now everyone was staring at Sirius who was apparently debating whether he was going to throw up or not. The answer was yes.

As fast as possible, Sirius set the guitar safely back into its case, hurried to the toilet, flew the door open and not even three seconds after everyone could hear the thick liquid from his stomach colliding with the toilet water. A both amused and disgusted look was shared between James, Remus and Peter. Drinking was always all fun and games until someone began feeling sick—most of the time, just like today, Sirius—and needed to spend the rest of the night in the toilet. There was one time James had urinated out of the dorm window because Sirius had locked himself in the bathroom, fell asleep and James couldn’t have lasted another second without relieving himself.

“Prongs! A little help would be nice!”

James never rolled his eyes, but this time he did. “You want me to come and hold your hair while you puke? Really?”

“Yes!” The reply was so quick James felt like there was no other option for him than to get up and walk to the toilet. “Drama queen,” he whispered to Remus and Peter before entering Sirius’ hearing capacity.

And there he was, Sirius Black, kneeled over the toilet, both of his hands gripping onto the seat. James walked up to him, closing the toilet door after him, and was met with Sirius’ eyes that signaled him wordlessly the sentence ‘this is disgusting’. It was enough for James to gather all of Sirius’ hair and keep it out of his face as he leaned over to puke for the second time. Just for his own comfort, James sat onto the edge of the bathtub, and looked away from the nauseous Sirius. He hated vomiting in general, but there really wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Sirius. Not even if it was experiencing him throwing up the day’s menu first hand.

James didn't know how long it lasted exactly, but the two of them stayed in the toilet just like that for a good while. James’ eyes began drooping closed, but he fought the urge to fall asleep, because there was absolutely no way he would pass out while holding Sirius’ hair, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. It would be laughable—more laughable than the white cast on his elbow.

Finally when Sirius was done with all the retching, James could let go of his hair, and the black haired boy leaned against the cold tile wall with his side. Sirius didn't look like he was having much fun; if James focused his eyes enough, he could see the small tears that had formed on top of Sirius’ tear ducts. In a matter of minutes, the boy’s whole mood had changed, and James didn't know at all what he was supposed to make out of it.

“I can't go home for Christmas, James. I can't,” Sirius croaked after a while, his eyes dropping to look at the floor and his whole body going numb.

Those words were breaking James’ heart. I know, he thought in his head, if there was a way, I wouldn't let you go back there.

“I’m sorry,” James mumbled, trying to reach Sirius’ eyes. “Remember that it’s only for a week—we’ll be here for you after. And even while.”

Despite his blood alcohol level, James could speak words that still made sense and could feel somewhat comforting.

“It won't help. It never really does.”

There really was no other truthful option than to agree. “Yeah. I know.”

One day it will. One day, Sirius, I promise you.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, December 16th, 1975

“This is such a horrible idea,” Remus scoffed, looking over his shoulder to check that nobody was near.

“Don't be so boring,” James defended and got off the chair he had been standing on for the last 15 minutes.

“Yeah, this is totally gonna work!” Sirius added, although his words didn't have a lot of truth behind them.

Remus rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Lily hates all that superstitious shit—she’ll just walk away if she sees a mistletoe and you standing under it.”

To be honest, Remus did have a completely fair point, and Sirius could already see a scenario where Lily returned from the library and saw the mistletoe trap set over the entrance to House Celestina dorms only to dismiss it entirely.

“But I still gotta try, right?” James asked, spreading his arms out in the air. The cast on his elbow was definitely a hilarious thing, but Sirius had decided not to laugh at it publicly. Mary and Lily hadn’t been very courteous about it though; when they had found out at dinner last week, both of them had fallen into obnoxious laughter in the middle of the busy great hall. And by now, almost everybody at Hogwarts knew why James Potter had truly dislocated his bloody elbow.

“Definitely,” Sirius smirked and patted James on the shoulder.

Remus just scoffed again. Sirius didn't really know why had agreed to come with them if he was so uninterested and against the plan.

“Okay, I think she's coming!” James announced after a while, clearly bristling from anxiety and excitement—Sirius truly had to appreciate his best friend’s devotion.

As the noises coming from the bottom of the stairwell became clearer, Remus moved as far away from the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling as he could, and Sirius stepped away just enough to be at James’ side but not directly under the plant. He had to look away from James so he wouldn't burst out in laughter; the Indian boy had his face twisted into a big grin and a fearful frown at the same time and it looked quite unappealing. Remus seemed to be thinking just the same since he was eyeing the stairs, probably waiting to see Lily’s auburn hair arrive in sight.

And it didn't indeed take very long for the fierce redhead to show up. Just that she wasn’t alone, she was with Marlene, and the moment the two girls stepped into the vicinity of the mistletoe, they stopped dead in their tracks. There was an unreadable expression on Marlene’s face, but she seemed like she could also burst out in laughter at any given moment. Lily on the other hand looked quite terrified. Sirius was surprised that she didn't drop the huge stack of books that she was holding up with both hands.

“What now, Potter?” Lily sighed instead, getting rid of the scared expression and rolling her eyes.

A not-so-subtle blush rose onto James’ cheeks. “Er… I think there's a mistletoe and we’re standing under it, which inevitably means that… well…”

James trailed off halfway through his sentence, and Sirius was so ready to die of second hand embarrassment. It had been basic knowledge all along that James was awkward, but this? This was horrible, and Sirius wanted to remove himself very badly from the situation, but nothing could be done about it anymore.

“He wants to kiss you,” Remus clarified with a loud huff as everybody else had fallen into uncomfortable silence where weirded out looks had been exchanged. “But because he’s James, he had to set up a trap which we all knew wouldn't work.”

Now Sirius gave himself the permission to laugh and it seemed like Marlene did too. From the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Remus’ face was still hard as a rock, and James was scratching the back of his head and squirming like he had been caught doing something a lot worse. Lily pursed her lips and looked at James. Something in her gaze told that she didn't want to be mean, but she would absolutely not kiss James, especially under a mistletoe, in front of other people.

“Erm… I can definitely explain this,” James stammered finally, swinging from one leg to another and taking a risky step towards Lily, who just cast an unbelieving look at the boy.

“Look, Potter, I couldn’t care less about you and your mistletoes—I just wanna go to my dorm.”

Remus mouthed ‘see’ to Sirius with a shake of his head, which made Sirius chuckle again.

“This is priceless,” Marlene whispered in turn, quiet enough for James and Lily to hear nothing. Sirius nodded to her agreedingly. The blonde girl had a strange accent he had never been able to pinpoint, and he had never asked about it either since Marlene had never seemed eager to talk about it.

James looked rather embarrassed as he continued to talk, shuffling his right foot on the floor like it was the most interesting thing ever. “Well, yeah, okay. Sorry, Lily, I just thought that… Nevermind. Just go to your dorm if that's what you want.”

It looked like Lily wanted to laugh but instead she gave James a polite nod, lips still pursed tightly together. “Thanks, Potter.”

“I think this is my cue,” Marlene stated, her face still on the verge of amusement as she flashed a smile to both Sirius and Remus and walked past them towards the House Celestina entrance.

James was left watching quite stunned as Lily and Marlene went past him like nothing and walked into the common room which Sirius could now catch glimpses of. It seemed similar to the House Nicolas one with all the couches, studying spots, big windows and warm lighting. When the two girls were entirely out of the picture, Sirius moved to give James a supportive side hug and patted him on the shoulder again. “Well, that went great, mate.”

James shook his head, turning to look at Sirius with a disappointed expression. “No, it didn't.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, it didn't.”

“Yeah, yeah, the thing’s over. Can we go now?” Remus' question interrupted the conversation. He was obviously enthusiastic about leaving the scene.

“What if she still comes back?” James asks in return, making Remus groan out of frustration and Sirius chuckle once again.

“She's not—accept your defeat, Prongs.”

Before James could even say anything to that, Remus had unexpectedly taken a firm grip on his hand and began dragging him towards the staircase. For a while Sirius just stood there, amused by the confused and scared look on James’ face as the annoyed Remus was basically moving his feet for him. However, before Sirius could take a step, his intention of movement was interrupted.

“Oh! Hi, Sirius!” The voice was unrecognisable, but as Sirius turned around he could see who he was now facing—a year 10 girl who had just stepped out of the House Celestina common room. Sirius couldn’t be sure of the name though. It might have been Emma or Ellie, something starting with an E, or then it was a complicated one like Serenity. “I see there's a mistletoe above us,” the girl giggled, batting her eyelashes.

Oh sweet Jesus, Sirius thought silently in his head and threw on a smile nearly as awkward as James’ before coughing. He didn't know whether Remus and James were seeing the scene, but to be honest, he didn't want to know either.

“Er, yeah…” Sirius replied, sounding more stupid than ever before in his life. He wasn't like this—he was smooth, not blunt and fiddly. “Sorry, um”—a pause as Sirius couldn’t remember the girl's name by any means—“I’m in a really bad hurry so I gotta go.”

The girl's face dropped seemingly. “Oh, that's okay. I was just–”

And before she could even finish the sentence, Sirius was out of the picture. He was being extremely rude, but there was no way Sirius was going to kiss a random girl a year younger than him just because James’ attempt at making Lily kiss him under a mistletoe had utterly failed. Sirius could hear the girl yelling something unclear after him as he reached Remus and James who had already managed to walk down the whole stairwell. James’ left arm had been removed from Remus’ grip now, and both of them turned to look at Sirius as he got to them.

“Not a word,” Sirius warned as Remus turned his eyes to him, a menaceful expression looming on his face.

James began laughing. “Dude, that was hilarious!”

Sirius shot a dirty look at his best friend. “Oi, you're one to speak, aren't ya?”

“Oh, fuck you, Black!”

“No, fuck you, Potter.”

“Children, children, children, no arguing.”

***

Wednesday, December 17th, 1975

The lips of Nicole Williams tasted strange, but Sirius kept on kissing her, running his hands softly through her long, brown hair and keeping his eyes closed. He hadn’t felt the need to attend the last physics class of the year as it only handled all the topics taught throughout the semester, and Sirius already remembered them all by heart. He didn't have the need for revising with that memory of his. However, he had definitely needed somebody to hook up with to try to forget all the anxiety from having to return to Bristol in a matter of days. Nicole Williams was just perfect for that; she didn't talk a lot and wanted the same as Sirius—to snog.

It didn't matter whether her lips were ideal or not, just the feeling of proximity was enough for Sirius. He didn't want to think of the horrors the next two weeks were hiding, because that made him spiral, and Sirius definitely didn't need to start spiraling now. Luckily the two hands of the House Bridget girl pressing onto his chest were distracting enough and Sirius was able to take his mind off of 12 Grimmauld Place and the horrific bunch of people he had to call family.

As the kisses mixed with spit and teeth bumping into each other continued, Sirius’ mind slowly ran out of things to think of. He thought of Bristol first though that hadn’t been intended, his barbaric parents and his complex younger brother. Then he thought about James and the way the Potters would have liked to have him over for Christmas—Sirius truly hated that he couldn’t go to London to be with them. After a while, everything in Sirius’ head was about music, the band and somehow Remus. He was now connected with the subjects of music and band, which was still quite new, but so far Sirius loved it all. He loved listening to records with Remus in their dorm, he loved talking about his dreams to Remus and he loved practicing to play bass with Remus.

And when Sirius really loved something, he loved it strongly.

A part of Sirius knew it would be a long way if he truly wanted to pursue the dream of becoming a rockstar, but another part told him that he could do it. Sirius knew he was good—he just didn't know if he was good enough. And he certainly didn't know if James and Peter would ever actually take the concept of being in a band seriously, but Remus seemed matter-of-factly invested. The bond Sirius shared with Remus somehow motivated him more. Okay, he had now been practicing with both James and Remus, but with James it had been all fun and ‘my absolute pitch is actually great’ whereas with Remus it had been fun too but also meaningful, because Sirius knew both of them were on the same page. Or at least he thought they were.

Sirius woke up from his thoughts and blinked his eyes open as Nicole slowly retreated and broke off the contact of their lips. She looked nervously at him and then at the wrist clock on her arm. “I think I’ve gotta go—promised Margaret I’d meet her at two.”

Sirius just nodded and removed his hands from Nicole’s hair. “Yeah, okay.”

She smiled at him, glancing at his lips, but it didn't feel special. “This was nice, though. Maybe we should do this again?”

“Yeah, yeah. Totally,” Sirius replied, returning the smile with a crooked grin like it was rehearsed.

After that the two of them made sure the teacher’s desk they had been making out on wasn't a complete mess, said their brief goodbyes and exited the empty classroom. There were tons of those at Hogwarts, and Sirius really liked using them for the sole purpose of snogging. He didn't mind girls like Nicole—mostly they didn't truly ask about second times even though they said they would, but that was entirely alright with Sirius. He hardly ever hooked up with the same girl more than three times. Once again, Mary was an exception there, but then again she was Mary.

The way back to the House Nicolas dorms wasn't long, and the hallways were still empty as lessons hadn’t ended yet. Sirius thought about the physics Christmas homework he would miss, but it didn't matter as long as his parents wouldn't get ahold of that information. And they wouldn't as long as they didn't waterboard the knowledge out of the poor physics teacher, Mr. Russell, and Sirius highly doubted that was bound to happen. Walburga and Orion Black might have been quite insane, but hopefully that was where the line was drawn.

As Sirius walked down the hallway to the 11A dorm absent-mindedly, opened the door, threw his school bag on the floor and slammed the door shut, did he only notice that Remus was already there, sitting on the windowsill and smoking a cigarette. Sirius didn't know if he let out a yelp of surprise, but he definitely jumped back. Jesus, the classes weren't over yet so what the hell was Remus doing in the dorm already?

“Fuckin’ hell,” Sirius cursed, shaking his head at Remus who just looked at him confusedly. “Why aren't you in class?”

“Why aren't you?” Sirius shot back and sat down onto his bed, throwing his legs over the edge.

“Skipped,” Remus shrugged.

Yeah, makes sense, Sirius thought bitterly. Was he truly losing his intelligence? There was no way he had actually just jumped after seeing Remus in their shared dorm. Idiot.

“Was snogging with Nicole,” Sirius said in turn, not able to take his eyes off of Remus. The tall boy was sitting with his knees up, a fag between his lips, a book on his lap and brown hair all over the place. Remus was wearing a warm-looking jumper and probably for a good reason since the window he was right next to was open, and if Sirius had to guess the temperature outside was close to -10 celcius. It was also snowing again, and the whole of Scotland was probably covered in white by now.

“Who’s she?” Remus asked, lifting his glance to look Sirius in the eye.

“Just a girl.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius wanted to bang his head violently against a concrete wall. Why was he being such an awkward prick? He reminded himself of James right now—quite pitiful. The conversations with Remus were usually normal, effortless, but now something seemed to be wrong with Sirius.

“Why’re you skipping?” Sirius then asked before he could stop the question from slipping.

“Felt like it,” Remus shrugged again, not telling Sirius anything with his demeanor. “Why’re you?”

Sirius furrowed his brows. “What d’you mean why? I just told you.”

“I just meant why do you waste your time snogging girls whose names you won’t even remember in a few weeks?” Something in Remus’ voice indicated that he hadn’t woken up with the right foot today. He sounded annoyed, maybe even aggrieved.

“I’m not wasting my time,” Sirius scoffed, unable to help the eye roll he did. “Just didn't wanna go to physics, so I hung out with Nicole.”

Remus huffed, shifting his gaze away from Sirius. “I’m tryna understand why you're spending time with girls you don't like.”

“Who says I don't like them?”

Remus glanced back at Sirius now, a look on his face that said ‘everything’, which made Sirius want to throw something hard and painful straight to Remus’ face. Who was he to question what Sirius did and didn't do? Was Remus really trying to sabotage Sirius’ whole fucking week?

“Look, I don't know why you're so pissed off, but don’t transfer all that shit to me,” Sirius snapped, turning around on his bed so he was facing the small kitchen rather than the window and Remus.

“Fine,” the other boy grunted, clearly wanting to add something else to his sentence but didn't. Sirius didn't know whether that was a good thing or not.

“Fine.”

And then silence set over. Sirius assumed Remus went right back into what he had been doing before—smoking and reading—as he simply stared at the wall for the next ten minutes which felt like an eternity. Sirius had been on the edge for a week now and he knew it. He just didn't want to return to Bristol; it felt like he was being banished from Heaven to the gates of Hell. No, more like God had stabbed him in the back and let him fall all the way up from the sky to beyond ground. That was how terrible Sirius was feeling about 12 Grimmauld Place and his parents, and then some fuckhead named Remus Lupin started inquiring him about why he snogged girls. Geez, probably because that was one of the few ways Sirius didn't have to think about reality.

The dorm stayed strictly quiet until James and Peter came back from their classes, but even then Sirius and Remus didn't exchange a single word. Sirius didn't feel like talking to Remus and neither did Remus feel like talking to him. The thing was that it would pass—it always did. Sometimes it took minutes, sometimes hours and sometimes days, but it always passed no matter what the bickering between them had been about. Sirius wasn’t particularly bothered when Remus acted like a git towards him after an argument because Sirius did just the same, but when the irritation began lingering in the air they both had to breathe, everything became annoying. Luckily, Sirius could now use James as a part-time escape as he wasn't busy with football practice or some other shit.

Sirius didn't even care that he was acting like a proper child currently, because so was Remus. That meant they were pretty even.

***

Thursday, December 18th, 1975

“James, this is such a stupid idea,” Remus complained quietly enough for nobody else to hear than the four dorm 11A boys. It was around midnight, and James had gotten a fantastic idea to go and decorate the school’s Christmas tree that was placed in the front of the great hall.

“Cry about it,” Sirius hissed back, but with a smirk on his face as James was too concentrated on walking down the stairs; he was probably afraid of falling.

“Why d’you choose to be an arsehole all day every day?” Remus grunted.

Sirius turned to look at him, his grin only widening. “Dunno, it's kinda fun.”

They hadn’t argued since yesterday but they hadn’t made up either—the whole thing had been left hanging in the air, and now Sirius and Remus were alright again. That was how it worked.

“Can you speed up, Prongs?” Peter asked, looking judgmentally at James who was walking down one stair at a time, putting both of his feet on it before moving onto the next one.

“Yeah, you're like an old grandma,” Sirius added and laughed at his own joke.

“I don’t wanna fall!” James defended. “Besides this is the last stairwell.”

It indeed was, and soon enough they all arrived at the eerily silent great hall. It sort of creeped Sirius out how strong the tranquility felt. He had obviously been there on multiple occasions after curfew and without permission, but the large hall felt so empty and strange without all the noise and movement. The warm shaded Christmas lights that had been wrapped around the huge spruce at the front of the hall brought some comfort to the scene though, and Sirius caught himself smiling at that. At home his parents never decorated for Christmas—the whole mansion stayed as cold and impersonal as always, even during the holidays, and Sirius hated that. He secretly loved Christmas more than anyone on the planet; it was such a cosy holiday when spent at the right place and around the right people.

As the four boys walked up to the big Christmas tree, Sirius thought the smile on his face would never disappear. He could only imagine McGonagall’s reaction when she would notice all the new, probably a little controversial decorations on the school’s Christmas tree. Sirius’ pockets were filled with useless trash he had gathered from the dorm, and Peter had apparently found some loose confetti from last year in his trunk and sticky notes. James on the other hand had toilet paper, used socks and his last year’s report card which was debatably a bad thing since everybody could tell it belonged to James Fleamont Potter. But worst of all, Remus had literal cigarette wrappers with him—first it had been a joke, but hell, it would be hilarious to see McGonagall finding some weed in that tree.

“This is fucking mad,” Remus muttered as he turned out the pockets of his trousers to get ahold of the cigarette wrappers.

Sirius snorted as he tied a chocolate bar wrapper on one of the branches. “This is what you chose to do with your free will, mate.”

“I hate it when you say something that makes sense.”

“Very nice of you, Moony.”

“Good thing I have one of Moony’s nasty socks here,” James said suddenly. “Maybe someone will recognise it as your feet are like size hundred.”

“Dude, you literally have your report card on the tree,” Peter interrupted with an amused look on his face as he threw confetti around the tree, making Sirius chuckle.

“Oh yeah, that.”

Slowly but quite effectively the original decorations became overnumbered by the dorm 11A boys’ own made-up decorations that were anything but beautiful. James had hung his last year’s report card on the front side of the tree so that every student who came to eat breakfast next morning would see the 98% in math and the 51% on the creative writing course—no idea why James had really decided to take that. Remus’ cigarette wrappers were spread out all over the tree and some he had hung up so high only someone as tall as him could reach them effortlessly. The socks though, they were absolutely priceless in Sirius’ opinion, because first of all, they smelled horrible and they were mostly muddy as James had used them at football practice.

Sirius had to say that this was one of their most original and hilarious artworks so far. Breaking a chair in class or a toilet sink in their dorm, hitting other students in the face, stealing from the school kitchen or practicing underage drinking about once a month—none of them beat this.

“She's so beautiful,” James whispered, astonished, as the four boys had gathered in front of the tree, all admiring it like it was the new Mona Lisa. Except it kind of was, at least in Sirius’ opinion.

“She?” Remus asked, raising one of his eyebrows.

“The tree.”

He shook his head. “M’not even gonna say anything else.”

“Don't,” Sirius encouraged, but with a smile lingering on his lips.

“Should we go?” Peter questioned, interrupting the beautiful moment. “It’s getting late, and I don't need Filch catching us on the last night we’re here.”

“He won’t,” Sirius smirked and patted Peter on the back. “I bet he’s already sleeping.”

“Okay, but still, we should probably go.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius agreed though he didn't really want to leave yet.

After those words the boys began making their way out of the great hall, Sirius still glancing at the Christmas tree over his shoulder a few times whilst walking towards the entrance. Unfortunately, an unpleasant surprise was awaiting them behind the doors of the great hall, making James physically jump in the air and everybody else being startled by that.

“It’s Mrs. Norris!” James hissed, clearly panicked and gave a terrified look at everybody else. It was hard to see in the dark, but Sirius could clearly distinguish the yellow lamp-like eyes of Filch’s cat, Mrs. Norris right at their feet. She was like Filch’s minion, and everybody at the school knew that if you saw Mrs. Norris, the probability of seeing Filch was pretty fucking high too.

“Oh, Jesus fuck,” Sirius cursed. “We gotta go.”

“Where?” Peter asked, voice a bit higher than usual.

“There's a bunch of clo–”

Then there were the echoing footsteps that made all four boys have the same panicked look in their eyes. For fuck’s sake, Sirius thought in his head but didn't say anything out loud. And before he could even think any further, a hand was pulling him into the other direction than where most definitely Filch’s footsteps had come from. As Sirius glanced up, he could notice it was Remus who was pulling him. Quite harshly too. Ouch.

“Where’re we going?” Sirius hissed as quietly as possible.

“Shut up and follow,” Remus hissed back and at that moment Sirius realised James and Peter had already disappeared.

“Where’d James and Pete go?”

“Would you shut up already?” Remus snapped back, but not angrily nor loudly since otherwise they would be heard.

After a short while of quickly moving through the dark, empty hallways of Hogwarts, Remus practically pushed Sirius into a broom closet and followed closely behind. They were somewhere near the entrance of the school building now, that much Sirius knew. He could also acknowledge the uncomfortably small space he would have to share with Remus for a while though he couldn’t actually see anything. The predicament was already creeping up on Sirius as he could feel Remus’ shoulder on his back and a knee against the back of his thigh.

“Why’d you have to choose this broom closet out of all the others?” Sirius grumbled, frustrated.

“You have an x-ray vision now?” Remus asked, sounding like the irritation was mutual.

Sirius could literally feel Remus breathing down his neck and it was anything but fun. “No. Just think that you should've let me choose the one we’re gonna hide in.”

“You were barely moving,” Remus scoffed. “If I’d let you choose, Filch would’ve found us before.”

Sirius hated when Remus was right. “Still,” he grunted.

“God, you're a prude,” Remus sighed next, making Sirius’ blood boil.

“Can you not purposefully annoy me when we’re gonna be stuck in a limited space for the next ten minutes?”

“I’m just stating the facts.”

“Yeah, me too: you're a complaining cunt.”

“Very original, Sirius, very original.”

Sirius was 99 percent sure Remus had just slightly pushed his shoulder on purpose, trying to annoy the shit out of Sirius. The urge he had to hit Remus straight into the groin was growing by the second, but that seemed like the worst thing to do when Filch was still somewhere out there on lookout for them.

“Okay but seriously, where'd Prongs and Wormy go?” Sirius decided to ask again, pushing the violent thoughts he had concerning Remus aside.

“Dunno,” Remus replied and Sirius felt him shrug. “I think they went in the opposite direction.”

“And then you grabbed me here? What an idiot.”

“Thanks for your appreciation.”

“No fucking problem.”

The following minutes felt so slow Sirius could’ve sworn somebody had actually stopped the time. Remus’ body pressing against his own felt excruciating, more on a spiritual level, and when Sirius concentrated enough, he felt like he could hear the other boy’s heartbeat. And the strange thing about that was how unusually slow it was. Perhaps Remus had a heart problem, but the probability of that was so small that Sirius just felt pissed off because it meant that Remus was not intimidated by the situation at all. He was just acting like it was a normal day whereas Sirius wanted to fucking drop dead—he was dying of boredom, the lack of sufficient space and Remus’ warm breath against the back of his neck.

When finally at least a quarter hour had passed, Sirius and Remus dared to climb out of the dusty, narrow broom closet, and Sirius felt like he was breathing fresh air again, which he probably was. Hopefully Filch had not hunched on that there truly were students out of bed, because then he would still be circling the hallways, but most of the time that man was as clueless as a lifeless stone. Something to be glad about.

The way back to the dorm felt strange though. Sirius couldn’t quite explain it, but he felt like it was because of Remus next to him. Nothing wrong with him of course, except maybe the fact that he had taken so much space out of the broom closet by being so bloody tall, just that Sirius had felt weird being so close to him. Of course they had been close to one another before—they had shared a dorm for more than four years now, but something had been different tonight. Perhaps Sirius was finally going crazy or then Remus had some strange energy on him, but either way, it hadn’t felt like this before. Sirius tried not to think about it too much, but it was quite impossible as Remus was still only an inch away, their hands brushing against each other once in a while as they walked towards the House Nicolas dorms.

Sirius' head was overworked, he was tired, and he didn't want to return home tomorrow, and still Remus conquered all of his other thoughts. God, he really wanted to break Remus’ nose just for being alive right now, though Sirius wasn’t too sure that would get him off his mind either.

Fucking hell, Sirius cursed in his mind, get a grip.

He really should get a grip. On a lot of things in fact, but currently on this.

Chapter Text

Thursday, December 25th, 1975

Remus was sitting at the Carells’ dining table again, a joyful expression plastered all over his face. He never forgot how much he loved the family, their traditions and sentiments but somehow it always came as a surprise how good it felt to be in that house again. Christmas dinner was honestly one of Remus’ favourite things at the Carells anyway—even if it required a bit too much socialising to his taste. Lizzie always invited every family member and friend, the lone ones too who had no other place to spend the holiday. She was a generous host; cooked a classic Christmas meal big enough to feed a whole country and gave a heart-warming speech every year.

Tonight Lizzie had talked about how everybody deserved somebody to celebrate such events with, looking straight into Remus’ eyes and smiling widely. That had reminded Remus of his family, but he had courteously pushed the thought away. There was no need to think about his dead father and hospitalised mother at Christmas when he wasn’t spending it with them—he had every other day of the year to think of them.

Now Remus could focus on the tasteful roast turkey Lizzie had made, and the loving people all around him. Art and Magnolia were quarreling about something stupid and irrelevant on the other side of the table, and Remus couldn’t do anything else but smile. He had been longing forever to see both of them, and the reunion last Saturday had not disappointed him. At King’s Cross, right away when Remus had stepped out of the train, Magnolia had run into his arms so violently he could have fallen onto his back down to the ground. Even Art had showed up at the train station, a wide grin on his face, though normally he would have been out with his friends. Remus was pretty sure Lizzie had forced Art to come, but however, he had still been there.

The warm, comfortable feeling in Remus’ chest only grew as the siblings began laughing, Magnolia throwing her head back and Art’s dimples becoming more prominent. Remus had missed seeing Magnolia’s contagious smile, brown eyes full of life and hearing her voice as sweet as honey. There was some mysteriously happy emotion Remus felt every time he was with Magnolia, and it didn't disappear until they parted. It was the same with Art, but with him Remus had a more frivolous bond; they did and talked about fun stuff, not the most important questions of life.

“Oh, you're such a liar! I swear, I never did that.”

“You can swear all ya want, but I'll always know I'm right.”

Magnolia rolled her eyes, taking a sip of water out of her glass.

“What’re you even arguing about?” Remus asked, as he had been zoning out for the better part of the playful argument.

“Malia swears she never stole out of my stash last summer, though I know stuff disappeared,” Art explained and Remus’ mouth curved into an awkward smile which was apparently quite easy to read.

“Well, now that it’s obvious,” Magnolia said, smiling at Remus mischievously, “it wasn't me, it was RJ. D’you believe me?”

Art swallowed the last of the roast potatoes down his throat, shaking his head and keeping his eyes on Remus. “You fucker!”

At that it seemed like every other conversation at the long dining table went silent, and a slight blush rose onto Remus’ face from embarrassment although he hadn’t been the one shouting. Lizzie, sitting at the other end of the table, turned to look at her son like a crime had been committed by him, whereas Johnny just patted his wife on the hand calmly.

“Art?” That was Lizzie, her voice higher than usual and a troubled and irritated smile on her lips. “No swearing. Besides”—Lizzie coughed, eyeing all the other people at the table—“we sort of have guests.”

Art nodded slowly, rolling further down on his chair. “Yes, ma’am.”

Luckily after that everybody went back to their previous conversations, making Art look relieved and Magnolia laugh loudly.

“You should've seen your face!” she chuckled, shaking her head in amusement.

“I love when Lizzie yells at you,” Remus added though he knew he would probably get shit for it later.

“I always love that part,” Magnolia responded to Remus, batting her eyelashes jokingly.

“Dude,” Art interrupted bluntly, a disgusted look on his face. “Stop flirting with my sister.”

“I’m not flirting with your sister,” Remus defended. He really wasn't—Magnolia was being like that on purpose, she always was.

“You're a liar, Lupin.”

***

Remus was a liar. A filthy one even.

‘We’ll do it slowly this time, right?’ had left Magnolia’s lips approximately… five minutes ago, and they were already laying next to each other, skin sweaty, all clothes thrown to the floor, breath heavy and mind spinning. There was no shame in it though—arguably the best five minutes of Remus’ whole week. He was stroking his fingers softly over Magnolia’s cheek, looking into her eyes like they were the prettiest thing he had ever seen, except they probably were.

“You're beautiful,” Remus whispered, glancing at Magnolia’s pink lips as they curved into a smile. Her cheeks were now a shade of red too, and her blonde curly hair was literally everywhere. Remus could feel it tickling his bare chest.

“You're seriously even more beautiful,” she laughed back, and made Remus smile too. There was something about the way Magnolia spoke. It was so specific Remus couldn’t quite explain it—felt like Magnolia stretched out or spoke every word too fastly to keep the one listening to her intrigued.

“No I'm not,” Remus disagreed. “You turn heads on the streets just by walking past people.”

Magnolia chuckled at that. “Y’know you turn heads too, but mostly ‘cause you’re eight feet tall.”

“I’m not eight feet tall.”

“Okay, six feet three inches or whatever,” Magnolia said, rolling her eyes and running her fingers over Remus’ hand under the covers.

“You're tickling me,” Remus commented, raising his eyebrows.

“You tickled me first.”

That made Remus snort, but he couldn’t stop smiling—he never could around Magnolia. She was like an angel, sent from Heaven straight into Remus’ arms, which still felt unreal. He couldn’t believe someone like Magnolia would ever want to be with him, but here they were, laying under the sheets completely naked, touching each other gently. The first time Remus had ever kissed Magnolia, last March when he had been on Easter break, his whole world had collided. It had felt like a dream, and Remus had never kissed anyone before, but he had still known what to do. With Magnolia everything became so naturally, it freaked him out sometimes.

Just like those recent five minutes; the kissing had been slow and light at first, but then boom. Magnolia’s lips had been on Remus’ neck, his shirt had come off first and then every single piece of clothing had simply vanished and Remus had no further memory of it. Magnolia’s soft, bare skin under his touch, her lips tracing every curve and corner of Remus’ skin whilst her hand had been working on his arousal. Then it had escalated and Remus couldn’t recall anything else than him turning Magnolia under him, kissing her chest and pushing slowly into her. There hadn’t been time for Remus to even remember protection which was probably a bad thing, but he couldn’t bring himself to think about anything even remotely negative at the moment.

“Have you still been writing in that journal of yours?” Magnolia’s question awoke Remus from his thoughts, and he frowned, remembering how Magnolia had quoted pieces of his own writing to him in the summer.

“I have,” Remus responded. “But you don't respect my privacy so I’m not telling you where I'm keeping it.”

Magnolia grinned. “Under your mattress? Not on the pillow side, on the side where your feet are.”

Well, fuck.

Remus had to shake his head in both amazement and amusement. “How the hell did you know?”

“Lucky guess?” Magnolia offered, biting her lip and making Remus go crazy over that.

“Bullshit.”

“Okay, fine,” she scoffed. “I might have gone through your stuff the other day when you were with Art, but I found it accidentally.”

“You looked under my mattress accidentally?”

“Yeah.”

“And I get called a liar,” Remus sighed disappointedly, still admiring the beauty of Magnolia.

She just giggled lightly. “Okay, you caught me, but still, your writing’s actually good, RJ.”

Remus’ eyebrows shot all the way up to his hairline. “Okay, now you're lying!”

“I swear I’m not! You're so critical of yourself—learn how to see past that and you’ll notice how good you are!”

“So, which pieces did you read now that you're so astonished?” Remus asked, dismissing Magnolia’s advice. She was like the queen of art—there was not a single form of art Magnolia couldn’t perfect. Her drawings and paintings were exquisite, her writing too, but most of all Remus enjoyed her piano playing.

“I read the one from October 11th,” she answered, and Remus just laughed.

“You think I remember what I wrote on that exact date?”

“Isn't that the reason you mark the date there in the first place?”

“Jesus Christ.”

Magnolia rolled her eyes again. “You wrote about me and Art there. It went somewhat like ‘a wealthy lad from downtown blah blah her sister, pretty girl of art and cohere’,” she explained, making Remus actually able to remember his words on the paper.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “That's the day I called for the first time after being back at school.”

“It took you over a month? Geez, I’d forgotten that.”

Remus moved his hand into Magnolia’s hair, running it through the light-coloured curls lightly. “Yeah.”

A short period of silence set over, and the two teenagers just stared each other in the eye before Magnolia opened her mouth again. “Y’wanna listen to the new Queen record I got?”

Remus’ smile widened. “Hell yeah.”

He had gotten the same album, ‘A Night At The Opera’ from James as a Christmas gift too, but hadn’t yet listened to it. Except Remus had heard the single ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ on Sirius’ birthday when Andy had sent the record, and the song truly was brilliant.

Remus watched as Magnolia sat up first, the white blanket sliding off of her, revealing her bare back and all the moles on it. Remus smiled at the thought that he had kissed every single mole on Magnolia’s body, just like he had promised. It had been undeniably his life’s most romantic thing yet, though first of all Remus wasn't a romantic, and secondly Magnolia overall was the only person Remus had been romantic with.

When Magnolia moved to pull out the record player, Remus decided to get up too. He threw on the clothes from the floor—a bright red Christmas jumper which Lizzie had forced him to wear and worn out blue jeans. Remus couldn’t find his socks since they were somewhere tangled up in the sheets, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that. The whole attic had heated up, and it didn't even make a difference that it was the middle of fucking winter, because Remus was actually burning up in that jumper. Therefore he decided to open the window and sat on the floor under it, looking over at Magnolia who was setting up the record player. She was so beautiful again, and the red shirt with loose sleeves made her look even more alluring. Red suited Magnolia.

“It has eighteen songs in it if we’re including B-side,” Magnolia stated as she pushed the on-button on the player, making her way back to Remus after that. She sat next to him and smiled heart-warmingly.

“That's solid,” he replied, and began listening carefully as the first notes of the first track started playing.

“You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you breach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You’ve taken all my money - you still want more”

“It’s called ‘Death On Two Legs’,” Magnolia told Remus in between Freddie Mercury’s singing.

“Well, the lyrics are definitely something,” he joked, grinning at Magnolia.

“Be nice, you love Queen.”

“Yes, I do,” Remus agreed. You know who loves Queen more? Sirius. “But d’you know what I love more?”

“You're a sap,” Magnolia scoffed, rolling her eyes, still intertwining Remus’ hand with her own.

“I love you more.”

And that was all the talking they did before falling into mutual, understanding silence. Magnolia had the same kind of habits as Sirius when it came to listening to music; nobody was allowed to utter a word when the record player was on and cigarettes usually had to be smoked whilst, just like today. Remus always kept a pack of fags and a lighter in his trouser pockets, and this was one of those times that turned out to be very useful. He lit one between his lips before doing the same for Magnolia. Remus wondered how the lighter Art had given him a year ago was still working and alive. He doubted he would have lost it or would ever lose it, but by the amount Remus smoked, there shouldn't be any fuel in the lighter anymore.

As the songs went by one by one, Remus rated them in his mind. ‘Death On Two Legs’ was clearly a strong, experimentaling song, and he loved it whereas ‘Lazy On a Sunday Afternoon’ was short and more catchy. ‘I’m In Love With My Car’ was fun—in fact, so fun that Remus laughed as he listened to it. ‘You're My Best Friend’ reminded him of James, Sirius and Peter and it was very endearing, really. The piano in that song was prominent, and Remus wondered if he could ever hear Magnolia play it. ‘‘39’ and ‘Sweet Lady’ were so different from each other Remus was surprised they could even be on the same album. ‘Seaside Rezvendous’ was whimsical, and Remus could actually picture himself standing on a beach, looking into the open water while listening to it. When ‘The Prophet’s Song’ began playing, Remus was swept away. It was ambitious with really good lyrics and Freddie’s voice was insane, which brought Sirius to Remus’ mind.

However, what came after that was even more breath-taking. As soon as Remus heard the piano intro of the track called ‘Love Of My Life’, he turned to look at Magnolia, who was already watching him, brown eyes gleaming in the dimly lit attic.

“Love of my life, you've hurt me
You’ve broken my heart, and now you leave me
Love of my life, can't you see?”

After the first words sung by a clearly emotional Freddie Mercury, Magnolia pushed her lips against Remus’ ear and whispered quietly: “Dance with me.”

Remus would normally never dance with anyone anywhere, but when Magnolia whispered it to him like that, he was up in less than three seconds. The smiles on both of their faces were growing by the minute, and Remus noticed how there were tears forming into Magnolia’s eyes. She wasn’t a big crier, but when she burst into tears, Remus would always be there. He took a step closer to Magnolia, cupped her cheek into his hand before pulling their bodies against each other once again—this time it was very gentle, like they were afraid glass would begin shattering around them if they were too harsh.

“Bring it back, bring it back
Don't take it away from me
Because you don't know what it means to me”

Remus and Magnolia began slow dancing, just holding each other tightly and letting the song consume them. There was something so touching about it all that for a moment Remus thought he would start crying too, and he never cried. But then again, he never danced, and there he was: dancing with Magnolia. The feeling was something entirely else though; it felt so intimate and sweet at the same time. Remus adored the way Magnolia smelled and looked, and it was even better when every one of his senses were filled with her. He could even hear her heart beating quite rapidly against his stomach.

“When I grow older
I will be there at your side to remind you
How I still love you
(I still love you)”

The words felt like a punch to the gut and a blessing to the heart at the same time, and Remus didn't doubt for a second whether he would still feel that way about Magnolia when he would be old. She truly was irresistible in every single way Remus could think of, and that would most definitely never change. Magnolia had a natural charm, she didn't try, she just pulled Remus towards her without an effort. It had been clear since he could bloody remember.

When the outro slowly faded away and left the pair standing in the middle of the attic, still holding each other, Remus allowed himself to break into a big smile. He slowly retreated from Magnolia to see her expression, which apparently was… complicated? She had tears all over her cheeks, but her lips were also curled into a huge smile and she was biting her bottom lip. Remus stroked the back of her hand with his fingers apologetically.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

Magnolia nodded in an instant, pulling Remus into a hug. It felt like she had melted into his arms, but then she put her lips against his ear again. “That was the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. Thank you, RJ. You're magic.”

You're magic?

***

Sunday, December 28th, 1975

Remus wanted to vanish into thin air and never appear onto the face of Earth again. At the same time, he wanted to step into the room very badly and see what had been awaiting him for a year now.

The hospital was one of Remus’ least favourite places—it had a certain, unpleasant smell, lighting too bright, pretentious doctors and nurses and everything was just too much. Perhaps that was one of the many reasons he had completely stopped visiting his own mother; it made him uncomfortable. Sure, Remus regretted those times he had had a great opportunity to come and say hello to his mum, but then again, he was so afraid of seeing her, the regret was always blown away. It’s not that Remus was directly afraid of his own mum, but more like the things that had happened and passed between them.

“Should we go in soon? It’s only 15 minutes till the visiting hours are over,” Magnolia asked quietly, making Remus snap out of his thoughts and glance at the girl standing right beside him. Magnolia was holding his hand delicately, running her fingers over it softly and looking kindly into Remus’ eyes. How could she always be so bloody nice?

“I feel guilty,” Remus admitted suddenly, apparently not thinking before talking. However, Magnolia just smiled.

“You're human,” she said, “You're allowed to be guilty. You're just a kid—we’re only kids—you shouldn't have to handle this alone.”

“Of course you’d say something like that,” Remus sighed and tried to form a smile onto his lips before he pressed them gently against Magnolia’s cheek.

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “I still think we should go in though.”

Remus shifted his gaze from Magnolia to the door wistfully. He thought they should go in too, but he really didn't want to. It would be morally wrong to turn away, but it wouldn't be completely morally right to step in either.

“Yeah, okay,” Remus finally managed, mentally preparing himself for what was waiting behind that door.

Carefully, Remus gripped the handle and pushed the door open slowly, momentarily closing his eyes. When he opened them, all he could see was a white curtain pulled in front of the bed he knew was there. Remus glanced briefly at Magnolia before he walked into the room, hearing her follow and closing the door behind them. The hospital room was dark compared to the hallway, and there were a few paintings on the walls—Hope Lupin really loved paintings. One was of a stormy beach view and the other was a bambi in the woods. There was also a miniature Christmas tree on top of a drawer and it had these multi-coloured lights wrapped around it. Remus thought it was nice.

Begrudgingly, Remus walked around the white curtain to the other side of the bed where his biggest fear would be facing him. He had never thought to see his mother look so shocked, but there she was staring at him like she had never in her life thought that Remus would show up again. Which, to be honest, was a pretty reasonable supposition after a whole year of not visiting.

“Remus, love, is that you?” Hope Lupin’s voice was fragile and weak, and it broke Remus’ heart to see her like that; wrapped in white hospital sheets, hair sparser than the last time he had seen it, eyes glass-like and face skinnier than before. For a moment, Remus thought he should just exit the room so quickly his mother would think it had all been a dream, but then he gathered all of his bravery, looking straight into her eyes.

“Yeah, mum, it's me,” Remus said, or more like whispered. He nearly got a heart attack when Magnolia’s fingers brushed his thigh—Remus had almost forgotten she was there too.

“Hey, Hope,” Magnolia greeted lightly, uplifting the mood like she had a habit of doing.

“Magnolia? Oh, dear, how you've both grown,” Hope said and let out a sound that reminded all three: a sigh, a cry and a laugh. “I've missed you so much, my love.”

Remus didn't know who that was aimed at but he assumed himself. “I missed you too,” he replied though he wasn't sure whether that was entirely true.

“Sit down, please,” Hope insisted then, sitting up straighter on her bed and pointing at the two chairs behind Remus and Magnolia. He didn't have a lot of other options, so Remus pulled out the chair closer to his mother’s bed and sat down. Magnolia did the same.

“How are you doing in school, anwylyd?” Hope asked, adding the familiar Welsh name of endearment to the end of the sentence, making Remus smile. He would have never thought he would smile today in this hospital room, but he did. Perhaps a part of it was because Hope Lupin still had her Welsh accent that had confused Remus as a child. He had never understood why his mother spoke differently from everybody else.

“I’m doing good,” Remus replied, and lay his hands on the hospital sheets. Hope immediately took his hands into her own, like Remus had expected. Her hands were cold, like they had always been.

“He’s not doing just good,” Magnolia intervened, but the tone of her voice was sweet. “RJ’s the top of his history class. And English literature.”

Remus didn't feel like correcting Magnolia that Lily was actually above him in English so he just smiled at her politely.

“History?” Hope repeated, a wide smile on her lips. “That was always your favourite, wasn't it? You used to talk about ancient Rome at dinner when you were only around seven-years-old.”

Remus laughed a little, hanging his head low as his mother’s fingers took a tighter grip on his hand. “Did I? I didn't remember that.”

“You were always rambling about history,” Hope confirmed, looking at him like she could see the young Remus right there in front of her. “You also liked talking about the American revolution after your father taught it to you.”

“That I remember.” Remus had shallow snippets of memories of his father when he had told young Remus a whole lot about the American revolution and English monarchy too.

“I’m glad you do,” Hope replied, a sad gleam in her eyes. “I miss your father everyday, you know. He was all I had before you were born, and now that you're away at school, I wish he was still here.”

Remus had to resist the urge to pull both of his arms away from his mother’s touch, and he swallowed thickly, hanging his head low again. It stung and twisted, and Remus wanted to start screaming at her but he couldn’t. There was no room for rage—it was fucking Christmas, and he hadn’t seen his mother for a year.

“I miss him too,” Remus said then, raising his eyes to the same level as his mother’s again.

“Oh, dear,” Hope sighed in a manner that she seemed like she was suffering, and it made Remus hurt even more. “Would you tell me something nice? I need to hear how well you're doing, or I'll feel guilty of how I'm not able to be there for you.”

It was a plea—a desperate plea that made Remus’ chest ache in a way that he couldn’t explain. He couldn’t possibly not tell his mother something nice now, because then he would feel guilty. Remus cursed silently as he felt tears forming in his eyes, but didn't let them fall onto his cheeks. He hated crying.

“What d’you want to hear?” Remus questioned quietly.

Hope Lupin bit her lip, looking nervous all of a sudden. Remus felt a hand against his back, realising that Magnolia was in fact there too. He took a short pause to look at her and tried his best to smile reassuringly.

“Tell me, love, do you still have dreams?” Remus’ mother finally said. “When you were young, you’d always say you would explore the whole world and show it to me. Do you still have dreams like that?”

Remus couldn’t recall him ever saying anything like that but he supposed it could very well be true. But about his dream now, there wasn't a lot to say. In fact, Remus wasn't certain he even had dreams like that in the first place. He just wanted to live a peaceful life with the people he loved—nothing more. The only person Remus knew that had dreams worth yelling to the world was Sirius Black. That boy didn't want anything as much as to be a rockstar. The band.

Remus sighed before he said anything. “I really don’t have dreams, but back at school I have this roommate—his name's Sirius—and he dreams of being a rockstar and having a band. I've been learning how to play bass for him.”

“Oh, but that’s delightful!” Hope rejoiced, putting one of her hands over her chest. “Do you like it?”

Remus nodded subtly. “I think so.”

His mother let out another content noise, making Remus smile despite his latest emotions that contained anger and hurt.

“Do you remember when I tried to get you to play the guitar?” Hope continued, making Remus chuckle a little.

“Yeah, I wasn't any good at that.”

“Yes, well, I bet you're amazing at the bass.”

“I think so too,” Magnolia added, making Hope fix her eyes on her.

“Would you tell me, dear, how’s Liz doing?” she asked, clearly thinking that the question was forbidden or something. Remus even debated for a while if he should tell Hope he was the one who had denied Lizzie from visiting her anymore.

But Magnolia being the perfect girl she was, just smiled like nothing. “She’s just been very busy—I think we all have—but she's doing fine. Still knits everyday like the maniac she is.”

That made Hope laugh, and even though Remus couldn’t be happy, he was glad his mother could.

“Oh, that's wonderful,” Hope sighed, looking admiringly at Magnolia. “You look so pretty, anwyll.”

"Diolch, Hope. Rwyt ti'n edrych yn well nawr hefyd,” Magnolia replied in Welsh and blushed afterwards. Remus was pretty sure it had been years since he had heard Magnolia speak Welsh, but it wasn't a miracle she could. The whole Carell family was of Welsh (and also French) descent, and both of Johnny’s parents still lived in Wales, though they had visited for Christmas.

“You're too kind, sweetheart,” Hope responded, making Remus deduce that Magnolia had given a compliment or something like that to his mother.

“They all tell me that now,” Magnolia laughed, glancing at Remus who had to admit that she was right. She always was.

Just as he was about to open his mouth, the door to the hospital room opened and after a short while a nurse with ginger hair and a bright smile stepped onto the other side of the curtain. “Hello! I was just gonna tell you that unfortunately the visiting hours are over now.”

The nurse said it in a manner that indicated she truly was disappointed, and Remus had to look at his mother who looked now sad. God, he hated seeing her sad.

“Can’t they stay any longer?” Hope asked then, voice broken.

The nurse frowned. “I’m really sorry, Hope, but it's hospital policy. Besides, you need your meds in a minute.”

A look was passed between Remus and the nurse before she spoke again. “Are you the son? Hope, you never told how much he looks like you!”

Remus had not expected that so he just formed a nervous smile onto his face. “Yeah, I'm the son.”

“He takes after his father even more—you would see it if you'd known Lyall.”

Those words hurt, but Remus did his best not to show it as he turned to face his mother again. The look in her eyes was sorrow, and Remus’ heart broke as he saw it. “Sorry, mum, but we have to go.”

“I know, I know,” she sighed, patting Remus’ hand for the last time, tears already in her eyes. “Promise me you’ll come and see me again when you can, would you, anwylyd?”

“Promise,” Remus said though he knew it to be a blatant lie. Then, as much as he would have liked to have another minute with his mother, he let go of Hope’s hand and stood up from the chair. Magnolia did the same next to him and squeezed his mother’s hand briefly before looking up at Remus, smiling.

“Shall we?”

“Yeah,” he exhaled, moving himself to where the ginger nurse was standing and turned back to face Hope for the one last time. “I'll see you, mum.”

“See you, love,” she called after Remus, sounding even more desperate than before, making him walk faster towards the door.

Remus didn't give himself space to think before he was out of the stiffened room, leaning against the hospital hallway with closed eyes and concentrating on his breathing. Everything that had just happened, had been completely insane, and Remus didn't know what the hell he was doing with his life. He wanted to cry, he wanted to shout, yell and tell the world how he didn't truly belong there and they should send him to Mars. Until Magnolia was reaching for Remus’ hand, her side pressing against his gently.

“You okay?” she inquired carefully, getting Remus to open his eyes and look at her.

A moment’s silence.

“I think I need a drink,” Remus blurted out finally, making Magnolia smile crookedly.

“Yeah, don't we all,” she said. “Let’s go, RJ.”

And then they went.

Hand in hand, Magnolia practically led Remus out of the hospital even though he probably knew the way better. A few nurses greeted them out of habit, and some other visitors walked past. When Remus could finally get a breath of the fresh, frosty weather outside he felt alive again. Hospitals really weren't his place, and the whole conversation with his mother had been strange, confusing and conflicting. Remus wasn’t sure what he thought about anything or anyone—the only thing he knew was that Hope Lupin was unluckily suffering from the consequences of her actions.

The snow began blocking all of Remus’ senses as they left the hospital lean-to with Magnolia, probably in a search of a bar. It wasn't unusual in London for bars to let underage teenagers in; nobody cared enough what the law said about underage drinking, and Remus really did need a drink. He watched as Magnolia covered her head with the big, gray scarf hanging from her neck that Lizzie had gifted her for Christmas. She looked so silly it made Remus laugh a little. Magnolia turned to look at him bitterly, but she was smiling with all of her teeth and there was a happy glimmer in her eyes. Remus offered for Magnolia to come closer to him and so she did.

The late night London streets were quite empty, and Remus only saw a couple of old bums, a group of teens and a couple in their 30s, clearly drunk and in love with each other. All the street lights were a yellow shade and made everything look dreamy—even the snow didn't seem so harsh in their vicinity. There were some Christmas lights on the balcony railings of the London centrum flats, and some shops on the street level had a ‘Happy Christmas’ sign on their doors. It warmed Remus’ heart to see everything so vibrant and nostalgic, but at the same time it was ripping out his insides gruesomely. He really couldn’t feel peace anymore.

As Magnolia dragged Remus into some bar called ‘Old John’s’, he didn't care to protest as it looked like every other bar in London, and that it was too. The decor was dark brown wood mostly, the windows were partly glass-painted and behind the bar desk was an old, graying man with a huge smile on his lips. He had a big beard and a few customers right in front of him, discussing something intensively. Magnolia took a tighter grip on Remus’ hand and walked up to the bartender, getting his attention by flashing a wide, happy smile.

“Hellooo,” Magnolia said, stretching out the word. It made Remus huff, but not captiously.

“Hello, youngsters!” he greeted in a heavy Scottish accent. “What can I get ya?”

“Two beers. Just some Beacon Bitter,” Magnolia ordered and Remus resisted his grimace. He really didn't like beer, but whatever—he wasn't about to order a coffee with whiskey or vodka since that was what he usually drank back at school as their resources weren't really vast.

“Where do we sit?” he asked instead, taking a look around the bar.

“Isn't here just fine?” Magnolia returned the question, gesturing at the stools in front of the desk.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Remus and Magnolia sat in the front of the desk, and smiled at each other. The other men sitting in the same line didn't pay any attention to them, and that was just fine. Everything was just fine, and Remus didn't want to complain. Magnolia had taken off her winter coat and the large scarf, and was now visibly dressed in a bright blue jumper that could have made Remus’ eyes hurt. She had on bright red lipstick once again, and she hadn’t done anything with her hair, letting it fall everywhere. She had on a golden necklace with a quaver—a musical notation. Remus still couldn’t believe that Magnolia was real and that she was his.

“Hey, listen!” Magnolia beamed all of a sudden, taking a hold of Remus’ arms. “They're playing my favourite song!”

As Remus opened his ears, he could hear that it was very much the truth. A smile climbed onto his lips as he listened how Billy Joel’s voice sang and the piano played in the background.

“Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke”

‘Piano Man’ was Magnolia’s absolute favourite song, and everybody who had ever exchanged words with her knew that. Every single time Remus heard that song, he could only think of Magnolia. She had once shown him how to play the song on piano, but as Remus hadn’t been gifted at playing the keyboard instrument, he had let Magnolia play it instead. And God, it had definitely been one of the most beautiful things he had ever witnessed.

At one point, the bartender brought them the drinks, but Magnolia was too consumed by the song to even register that. She leaned against Remus’ shoulder and he let her do it, taking a sip out of his beer.

“Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife”

Remus couldn’t help but smile so much his cheeks began hurting. Today, he had finally faced his mother after a year of being afraid. Today, he was spending time in snowy, cosy London with Magnolia.

With the love of his life.

“And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But It’s better than drinkin’ alone”

Chapter Text

Sunday, January 4th, 1976

The back of Regulus’ head seemed distant even though it was only a couple metres ahead. Sirius had the urge to run and catch up with his younger brother’s pace, but he didn't do that. He didn't do it, because Regulus hated him, and would never be seen with Sirius around his pitiful pack of friends. A scoff left Sirius’ lips as Regulus pushed himself into an empty train compartment, shooting a warning glance at his brother before disappearing from sight. Regulus’ eyes were mean, his face was serious, and his body was tense. He was no fun.

Sirius went into another empty train compartment, on the other end of the carriage than where Regulus was. At times it was sad how they had grown apart like that, but Sirius couldn’t truly feel sorrow anymore. He was fed up—he would vomit out the whole emotion if somebody continued to stuff it up his throat from now on. And currently it felt like Regulus was subconsciously forcing sadness down his throat, testing Sirius’ limits, trying to break him, and did it only kill Sirius—also everybody and everything around him.

He really needed to get out.

As the train left the Bristol train station, Sirius let out a heavy sigh, and pressed the left side of his face against the window. There weren't a lot of students on board yet, and for once in his life, Sirius enjoyed the silence. The silence back at 12 Grimmauld Place was different; it was suffocating, and sucked out all the oxygen around Sirius. However, the tranquility in that train compartment was comforting. It was peaceful, and Sirius tried not to think about his horrible excuse of a family and his Christmas not so well spent.

Eventually Sirius’ thoughts circled back to his family though, because it truly was impossible to escape the noble and most ancient house of Black. The sunny view outside with its snowy fields, houses in the middle of nowhere, and horses running didn't help at all—not even when Sirius pretended to be the black horse running next to the brown one, breaking free of everything holding him back. Pretending didn't really help, Sirius ought to know that. He had been bad at pretending, even as a child. That was one of the many reasons Regulus fit in better than Sirius ever had; Regulus was a sly, lying, pretentious snake.

Sirius had seen it now—Regulus could transform into a bloody crocodile if he really wanted to. He was entirely different around every single person, and the version of Regulus that Sirius got was not pretentious, but he wasn't real either. He was an empty shell with a few things inside to offer. One of them was sorrow, one was anger, and the last was spite. Perhaps, somewhere deep down there was an ounce of love or empathy left, but Regulus had buried it so long ago it might as well have already dissolved fully. Sometimes, or most times if being completely honest, Sirius wished Regulus would just break. That he would let go of his shield and let Sirius see what was inside, but realistically it would never happen, because they were so distant now. No way that could be fucking repaired anymore.

A frustrated sigh left Sirius’ lips and he adjusted himself better on his seat. Everything in his life was deeply fucked, and Sirius had never been good at fixing things. Yes, he knew how to break and shatter, but he knew nothing about putting something back together—fixing things. James Potter was the fixer, and Sirius was his silly little sidekick when it came to that topic. A bit pathetic, but Sirius couldn’t change himself, not even if he tried hard enough. And he didn't think he particularly needed fixing or a change, but a small part inside Sirius always told him he wasn't enough. He wasn't enough, he was all wrong and incorrectly put together.

Another thing to blame on Walburga and Orion Black. They hadn’t just ruined a son, they had ruined two. They were simply unable to see how badly destroyed Regulus was, because his gift of being able to shapeshift had been born from the ruins of their parents’ actions. However Sirius’ malfunction was obvious since it was oppression and hatred towards his own parents. It was the inability to love and be loved, it was the mouth he couldn't keep shut and hands he couldn’t keep still.

Sirius Black couldn’t control himself and nobody could control him. He was impractical, he was disorganised and inadequate. He wasn't a shell like Regulus—he was the insides of the shell, scattered all around, some parts lost and some parts uselessly stronger than the others.

Just when Sirius was about to lose it and start smashing his things around the train compartment as there really was nothing else to break, he decided to pull out a piece of paper and a pen out of his trunk. It took an atrocious amount of self-control for Sirius to stop his own mental breakdown like that, but somehow he was able to do it. Better to suffer now, than bottle up all of it and experience it late at night, all alone and nobody aware of the distress he was in. That happened often enough as it was.

Hey, Andy

Sirius’ hand began shaking as he wrote down the first words, holding the piece of paper against his thigh, but he tried to suppress it.

I’m sitting on the train, on my way back to school again, and I had a shitty fucking Christmas once again so I’m writing to you. I can't call and I can't reach you any other way, and it's killing me, because I need to know how you got out. I don't need the details, I just wanna know how you gathered your stuff and ran away, because I don’t know how I’d do that, knowingly leaving something. I can't leave Regulus behind even though I hate him and he hates me. It fucks me up so badly, Andy.

Sirius had to take a deep breath before he even let another thought cross his mind. He was an emotional wreckage right now, and it felt all wrong. Sirius was supposed to be strong and independent, but now he felt bloody hung-up. A child, once again, who feared everything and needed help with tying shoelaces and wanted Regulus to play pirates with him.

I’m sorry, I sound fucking insane right now, but it’s the holidays. You know how they make me feel. I just feel like I'm broken, you know, like why can't I function normally and act a certain way when everybody around me needs it the most. Regulus can bloody metamorphose whenever he wants and I can't even put on a happy face. That's just pathetic. And now I sound self-loathing. Great!

Sirius wanted to rip the piece of paper apart really badly, but he didn't.

I’m sorry, this is such an unimportant letter, but I need someone to know. Really know. So thanks already, because I know you and your golden heart will reply something so nice I can't internalise it.

Yours,
Sirius

Impulsively, Sirius folded the paper twice and shoved it back into his trunk. It would do no good to read it twice—he would end up destroying the whole letter and leaving Andy in the dark of his feelings. God, Sirius wanted to bang some sense into his own head, but he didn't think that was possible. Maybe someone else would do it for him later today if he asked nicely, James for instance.

Not a lot of time had passed, and Sirius had no clue what he was going to do the whole way to London. He hated that out of all his friends he was the one living in bloody Bristol when they all got to live in London. Sirius had never actually been in London further than the Potter house, and all he’d seen of the city was what could be sighted from the train windows, but he knew deep in his heart he was destined to that city. London ran in his veins, and there was no other place for Sirius. When he would someday break free of his family, the first place he would run would be London. More precisely probably James’ parents’ house.

Perhaps Sirius could dream for the next hour or two before his friends would get on the train. He could think about what would, could, and should be in the future—that was usually an easy enough way to spend time. From a young age Sirius had had his dreams, and they still kept to this year. He knew he wanted to live in London, become a rockstar, find somebody to love, dwell in a shitty flat near downtown, break chains connecting him to his past and live as freely as he fucking liked. Those were the big, ambitious dreams of Sirius Black.

***

“How can they snog for minutes without tongue?” Sirius asked confusedly, tilting his head to get a different angle.

“You look like a perv.”

Sirius shifted his gaze from Peter and Camila to Remus who was looking at him disgustedly. “Sod off, Moony.”

“I’m just saying,” Remus stated, rolling his eyes and shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

The train had arrived an hour ago at Hogwarts, and it was getting late, but Sirius wasn't tired—not when he was at school again. James was sitting next to him, quiet now that he had told about his Christmas holiday in such great detail there was nothing else to talk about. Remus had only said he’d had a ‘nice time’ and Sirius hadn’t dared to intrude. He had deduced Remus had spent time with that girl of his—Magnolia, if Sirius’ memory served correctly—and didn't want to talk about it because he was Remus Lupin. Peter on the other hand had talked about his Christmas on the train, but right when they had walked into the school building, he had disappeared somewhere with Camila. Now the couple was snogging at another table like they were touch-starved of each other.

“You think Peter will break curfew on the first night back?” Sirius asked next.

“Maybe you should ask him,” Remus responded, making Sirius roll his eyes.

“I’m just asking,” he mocked, by using Remus’ previous tone of voice.

“You two ever gonna stop that?” James questioned, turning to look at Sirius with his mouth full of toast.

“Eat with your mouth shut, and we’ll talk about that.”

James stopped chewing and stared at Sirius like they had never seen one another before. “Are you seri–”

“Don't ever continue that sentence,” Remus interrupted, making Sirius close his mouth that had almost found the opportunity to say ‘I'm always Sirius’.

“Geez, almost slipped there,” James chuckled then, mouth still full of food, making Sirius utter a litany of gag noises.

“You two are impossible,” Remus sighed. “It’s like having children who never listen and act so stupid you wanna disown them.”

“Oh, I wish my parents would disown me!” Sirius cut in with a smile on his face. It was a very real wish, but it made a good joke.

“Then you’d be broke,” Remus commented.

“Don't care. Can't spend any money now either.” Once again, the truth, but it made a good joke. Plus, Sirius wouldn't exactly be broke—Sirius would have whatever Alphard had directed of his inheritance.

“You're impossible,” Remus repeated, shaking his head. “M’gonna go and shower.”

Then he stood up from the table, picking up his tray and started walking towards the kitchen to return the dishes. Sirius watched as Remus walked away, thinking what the tall boy had truly been up to this Christmas break. What did normal people whose parents didnt have them on 24/7 suicide watch type of discipline do anyway? As Sirius’ eyes continued following Remus, he noticed the faint bruises just under his hairline on the back of his neck, except they most definitely weren't bruises. Remus had hickeys. Something stirred up inside of Sirius’ stomach, but he couldn’t quite place it.

If Remus seriously had hickeys on his neck the girl back at London truly was real. Magnolia was a person—a person that Remus snogged. As wrong as it felt trying to picture Remus snogging anyone, Sirius couldn’t help but do so. Never ever in his life would have he thought that Remus Lupin would receive hickeys. That boy was practically disgusted every time he saw Sirius kissing a girl, even just hanging out with one, and now he was the one with love marks all over his skin. Sirius did not know what to think, he was lost in his own head about the concept of his dormmate having hickeys.

“Did you notice Remus has hickeys?” The question left Sirius’ lips unintentionally and sounded bitter even to his own ear, but James just turned to look at him with raised eyebrows.

“What d’you mean? Moony would never have hickeys.”

“That's what I thought!”

Sirius' noisy shouting was followed by a moment’s silence, and James for once in his life chewed up all the food in his mouth and swallowed before saying anything.

“Remus Lupin has hickeys?”

Sirius scoffed. “Yes, I just told you that.”

James looked befuddled. “Did he like… say something to you? Like, are you sure he’s not lying?”

Sirius furrowed his brows, because surely James couldn't be so bloody dumb. “No, Prongs, Remus didn't say anything. I saw them—right there on the back of his neck,” he explained, even demonstrating to James where the bruises were.

“Oh, well, good for him,” James said carelessly and smiled a little.

“Good for him?”

“Yeah?”

Sirius pursed his lips. “Okay.”

James looked at him again. “What? You think there's something wrong with that? ‘Cause you’re really not one to talk if that's what–”

“No, no,” Sirius interrupted with a groan. “It’s just that it’s Moony. And we know Moony. And the Moony we know would never have hickeys.”

James seemed confused again. “I’m not on the same page as you right now.”

Sirius sighed. “I can see that.”

“Okay, but like, is there something wrong with him getting kissed?” James asked then, voice slow and unsure. It made Sirius want to bang his head against the dining table, because now he sounded like a muppet.

“I’m not saying that,” he replied.

“What’re you saying then?”

“I don't know. I’m just saying.”

“Oookay.”

The silence set over again, and Sirius wondered whether there was something terribly wrong with him. He sounded like a paranoid mum, not a bloody dormmate. Sirius really wished his brain wouldn't work the way it did right now, because it felt all wrong and incorrect—nobody else would have thought about the hickeys on his dormmate’s necks like that.

“Pads?” James’ voice woke Sirius up from his thoughts, and he raised his head like a deer in head lights.

“Did you say something?”

James shot his glance down to his plate without saying anything first, but then his eyes darted up again. “I just asked if your holidays were worse than last time.”

“Oh.”

Sirius didn't know what to answer since he didn't want James worrying over a bunch of bullshit. The truth was yes, Sirius’ Christmas had been worse than the last one, but his summer had been worse than the winter holidays.

“It wasn't so bad,” he responded reluctantly. “I just– It was worse in the summer. It usually is.”

James nodded with a serious expression on his face as he took in the information. Everybody was familiar with the pair, James and Sirius, who loved to mess around and make other people’s lives hell by it, but they rarely knew about the other side of James and Sirius. The other side included James comforting Sirius about the problems with his family and their late night talks where Sirius sometimes ended up crying. God, he hated crying but it became inevitable at times when things simply got so bad.

“That's good, I think,” James said then, clearly a bit unassertive of his word choice. “Just promise me you’ll tell me if it gets bad, eh?”

Sirius nodded enthusiastically, because he knew how much it meant to James. “I promise. Besides, I think you’d notice.”

At that James laughed a little. “Yeah, hopefully at least.”

“It’s good to be back at school,” Sirius decided to affirm then, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is,” James smiled back.

And just as the familiar, warm smile was creeping up to Sirius’ face, the perfect description of depression and darkness walked by, not even sparing a glance at Sirius. Regulus looked so unaffected by his brother’s presence it pissed Sirius off. He just walked past like they hadn’t both been suffering for two weeks at the same fucking house, acting like he was so much better. Sirius scowled just as he watched how Regulus didn't pay any attention to him, looking straight ahead with no intention of even greeting Sirius.

“Something happen between you two?”

James’ question brought Sirius back to Earth. The Indian boy was now watching how Regulus made his way towards the kitchen too, but he didn't have a mean look in his eyes. Just a nice one, like always.

“No,” Sirius replied. “Never does.”

James shifted his gaze from one brother to another. “And what does that mean?”

“Means that Reggie’s been acting like I'm a stranger again.”

Something softened in James’ expression, and Sirius got the urge to slap it off of his face. “What?” he scoffed.

“He’s dealing.”

“Huh?” Sirius almost fell off of his seat. “Reggie’s dealing drugs and he didn't tell me?!”

James fell into a loud fit of laughter, and Sirius couldn’t possibly wipe the shocked look off of his face, because what? Why was James trying to tell him, Regulus’ own brother, that Regulus was dealing and–

“That's gonna go down in history books as the most stupid line in the history of mankind!” James managed to say before he began laughing again, nearly falling onto the ground, wheezing like he couldn't breathe.

“Oh my God! What did I say?”

Sirius was confused, he was fucking confused, and James, being the idiot he was, couldn’t stop laughing. Just as Sirius was about to kick James under the table to put some sense into him, he realised.

“Oh Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph,” Sirius cursed, and he couldn’t help but laugh at his own stupidity.

James was finally able to stop. Thank God for that. “I’m sorry,” he apologised with a chuckle, wiping tears off of his cheeks. “That was bloody hilarious.”

Sirius just shook his head. “Please don’t tell Moony.”

James began laughing again, and this time Sirius actually kicked him under the table.

“I won’t promise anything.”

“You traitor!” Sirius spat out sarcastically, shaking his head and making James burst into loud laughter again.

That way the discussion about Regulus was entirely forgotten, and Sirius silently admired James’ ability to see people. Because, apparently, Sirius was too short-sighted to not even know anything about his own brother.

***

Monday, January 5th, 1976

The dorm was quiet on the seventeenth hour of Monday—for stupid people, it was five o’clock in the afternoon and James had football practice and even though he still couldn’t play, he went and watched. Peter was with him, probably just sitting in the stands, trying to do his homework but not succeeding at it. Sirius and Remus were together in the dorm, but they coexisted in plain silence, because Sirius didn't know what he would say and Remus just liked to be quiet. He didn't feel the need to talk, but Sirius unfortunately did.

Remus was half sitting, half laying on his bed with an ancient-looking book in his hands, and Sirius was sitting on the floor with an empty paper and a pen in front of him. He had been trying to write his own song—the musical notes, not the lyrics—now for a few days, but it wasn't coming together very well. Sirius had tried earlier playing something from the top of his head and writing it down after, but then he would later realise it was only snippets from already existing songs mixed together. The problem was that it was difficult to write music out of nothing too. Sirius couldn’t think of an intro, not a chorus catchy enough and not even the words for the song.

Maybe the whole idea of a band was totally doomed, and Peter had been right all along. He still despised the idea of even trying out playing the drums.

“Moony, you're good at writing, right?” Sirius asked, raising his eyes from the empty paper to his dormmate.

Remus turned to face Sirius with his eyebrows raised and a confused look on his face. “I guess. Why? You need me to write an essay for you? ‘Cause that would just be lazy of–”

“Can you like, not continue that sentence?” Sirius interrupted, a little offended. “Because I always do my own essays.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “What d’you want then?”

“Why’re you assuming I want anything?”

“Because you wouldn't have asked otherwise,” Remus replied. “Now out with it.”

Sirius had to accept defeat with a sigh. “Would you write a song for me? Just the lyrics, nothing else. I’d make notes for it.”

At that Remus went quiet. He just stared at Sirius like he was insane asking for that, not blinking even once before speaking again. “You wanna make a song?”

Sirius shrugged. “I mean, why not.”

Something in Remus’ expression changed; the surprisement swiped off and it was replaced with a smile Sirius couldn’t quite pinpoint. “Why’re you smiling at me like that?”

“It’s kinda sweet,” Remus finally responded, and Sirius could notice a slight dimple he had on his left cheek. He had never noticed it before.

“Sweet?”

“Yeah. But I mean, I'm not sure I can write a bloody song.”

Sirius resisted the urge to groan and just hung his head backwards. Of course Remus would be able to write a song—a magnificent one even, if he just tried enough—and Sirius didn't know why he was denying it.

“Will you still try? ‘Cause I know you’d be able to do it,” Sirius asked then, looking straight into Remus’ eyes. He couldn’t see from the other side of the room properly, but Sirius was pretty sure there was a small section of green in them. Otherwise Remus’ eyes were brown—the coffee kind, but thinned with milk.

“Okay,” Remus agreed, but didn't look too overjoyed. “I'll try, but it won’t probably be any good.”

“The words of our humble Moony,” Sirius muttered with yet another roll of his eyes.

Remus just scoffed at that before going back to his book. And right as he probably began reading again, Sirius interrupted, because why wouldn't he. “Can we listen to the Queen album?”

Remus shifted his gaze to Sirius, obviously understanding what he meant. “Now?”

“Yes, now. I wanted to hear it yesterday, already.”

Sirius hadn’t listened to Queen’s newest album, ‘A Night At The Opera’, yet but he had heard the single ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ which was now undoubtedly one of his favourite songs. Remus had gotten the album as a Christmas gift from James, and Sirius had been supposed to get it from Andy, but as she and Ted were still quite bankrupt, it hadn’t happened. Sirius wasn’t mad of course, he had no room to be, because Andy was struggling with life and its challenges, just like everybody else. And Sirius could definitely survive without one of Queen’s albums in his record collection.

“Yeah, alright,” Remus said finally, standing up from his bed and started to rummage through his trunk. Sirius was a messy person and very aware of it, but Remus was a messy person, not at all aware of it. His stuff was always all over the floor next to his bed, in the kitchen and toilet too. And then Remus had the audacity to get furious if somebody accidentally got one of his books wet he had left in the toilet sink—a very real incident.

Sirius tried his best not to stare, but he wasn't polite like that. As Remus was searching for the record, he was facing perfectly away from Sirius for him to get a perfect view of the hickeys. Sirius had never had hickeys on the back of his neck, but the front and other places yes, and he wondered why Remus had them there. Sirius really couldn’t help but think about it, and he didn't know why.

“Ah, found it,” Remus announced after a while, turning around and finding his way to Sirius’ red-coated record player. Remus set the record in and pushed the play-button.

Begrudgingly, Sirius shifted his eyes completely off of Remus as he went back to sitting on his bed. Sirius adjusted his position on the floor so his arse wouldn't hurt so much when he would next get up, at the same time listening to the first seconds of the first track with half an ear. As he could focus properly again, Sirius could feel a wave of happiness coming over him. It had been a while since he had had a whole new album to hear.

During the next hour, it turned out that ‘A Night At The Opera’ was an exceptionally interesting record, and Sirius was entertained the whole way through. ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ was still definitely his favourite, but ‘The Prophet’s Song’ was a good second. At one point Sirius was certain he would start crying, because it was all so perfect and beautiful. Sirius hated his emotions more than any other person alive, but still the only thing that brought him true happiness was exploring emotions and feelings—just through music. Then he could pretend it wasn't so serious and that it all wasn't connected to his own, very real life.

When the closing track slowly faded into silence, Sirius dared to open his eyes again. He always went into another dimension while listening to music and rarely even noticed it. It just happened.

“So, how’d you like it?” Remus asked as Sirius turned to look at him. He was still sitting on his bed at the exact same position and Sirius wondered what Remus had done for the past hour.

“It was great,” Sirius responded. “I think it's just what I needed.”

Remus simply nodded, a slight smile on his lips. “Good.”

“Good,” Sirius repeated.

Good.

Everything was always so fucking good.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, January 20th, 1976

The first two weeks of school after the winter holidays had stressed Peter out so much that this morning when he had glanced into the mirror, he thought he was going through hair loss and a bad case of skin rash. It didn't help at all that his parents had told every family member during Christmas how Peter was going to be either a doctor or a lawyer as he had so much potential. Truth was, he had zero potential in any field of work and his parents knew it. Peter was not school smart—quite the bloody opposite since the only subject he was good at was art. And he wasn't outstandingly good at that either, just above average.

Life was unfair, and it felt like it was treating Peter more unfairly than any other human being on the planet. How could a person be so talentless? Alright, Peter was good at playing chess—that’s where he was headed at the moment: chess club—but that wasn't something you told your possible employer. You handed out your college grades or university degree, told about your varying skills like linguistic capacity or previous job experiences. Peter was quite certain he would never get a job that wasn't either a clerk or a server.

Just as every bit of hopelessness Peter had ever felt in his life was about to fall all over his shoulders again, he reached Mr. Williams’ classroom that was used for the chess club every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Today Peter was going without Camila as she had needed to finish her English Lit essay. Usually they went together and played against each other too, but perhaps a little change would be nice. Peter just hoped it wouldn't throw him off of his best game.

“Hey, Peter!” The greeting got Peter to turn his head immediately as he walked into the classroom. Ellie Shipman, a year 13 girl who was mostly in charge of the club, was waving at Peter from a distance not so long. She was quite short with long, brown hair, silver-rimmed glasses and kind eyes.

“Hey,” Peter responded, trying to seem at ease, as he approached Ellie. At that moment he noticed she wasn’t alone and there was another person with her—blonde haired and ivory-skinned, probably either a year 9 or 10 girl.

“This is Pandora,” Ellie introduced the girl, and Peter smiled at her politely. Pandora smiled back at him, and she seemed sweet enough. Peter could recall seeing her before, but he couldn’t remember where or with who. “She's just joined, and doesn't have a partner, so I thought you could play with her as Camila’s not coming today.”

Fair enough. “Yeah, totally,” Peter nodded.

“Great!” Ellie beamed, and began mingling with some other students that entered the classroom.

Peter and Pandora moved to an empty table—actually two desks pulled against each other with a chessboard in the middle of them—in a silent understanding. Peter took the side with black pieces, purposefully leaving the whites for Pandora as this was apparently her first time playing at the club.

“So, you've just joined then?” Peter asked, trying to make a conversation flow naturally. He was bad at social interactions, always had been.

Pandora nodded, a smile on her lips again. “Yeah, it's my first time here and honestly I'm a bit nervous.”

“No need,” Peter said instantly, remembering how anxious he had been when he first joined. “Which year are you in?”

“Ten.”

“So one beyond me.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Pandora chuckled.

“You’ve played chess before, right?” Peter realised to ask, an awkward nuance in his voice.

Pandora laughed a little again. “Yeah, I have. Sorry, I should probably make my move.”

“No rush,” Peter responded, but his eyes darted to the white chess pieces in an instant.

It turned out that Pandora, just like most chess players, began the game from e4. It wasn't a bad move at all, and Peter thought for a while whether the younger girl would go ahead with the Italian or Scotch Game. It could also always be the most classic thing ever, the Spanish Opening, but Peter doubted that. After a good while of thinking and pondering, Peter decided to start with e4 too—no other options really, but he always thought at least three moves ahead. It was the secret to being a strategic and tactical player. This time his moves would be e4, d6, d4 and Nf4.

After a few moves from both players the game began flowing great, and Peter could concentrate entirely on controlling his centre instead of his own, real life. Pandora turned out to be a very solid player for a beginner, and she seemed to think ahead too. Peter liked that about an opponent, because it brought more challenge to the game and he also had to think about what Pandora would do for her next move. Overall, she seemed like a nice person and Peter kind of wished he would get more chances to play with her in the future.

Camila was probably the only person Peter had ever lost a chess game to, but she was also the most beautiful, distracting thing he had ever played against. Even now, Peter sometimes lost to Camila when he focused too much on how beautiful she looked, or how sweet her laugh sounded. The most sidetracking thing was her smile, and Peter lost every time Camila found something funny mid game. Those problems didn't occur when he was playing against Pandora and it was refreshing—even when Peter missed the way he could predict every single move Camila would make, and impress her by it.

When the chess game finally ended after about 30 minutes in Peter’s win, he turned to face Pandora with a smile decorating his face. “That was a good game. Thanks.”

“Was it really?” she questioned. “I feel like I thought too much.”

Peter shrugged. “Every self-respecting chess player thinks too much.”

“Well, that's good to hear!” Pandora laughed. “Your word is my law now.”

Suddenly Peter felt proud of himself. Did the people who usually played against him really think he was that good? “Sounds serious.”

“Well, you beat me and I learned what moves I definitely shouldn't do in the future,” Pandora reasoned with a smile on her lips once again.

Peter smiled too. “Yeah, I guess that's something.”

After that they organised the played out pieces back onto the board, and Peter realised to look at the clock. He hadn’t been to dinner yet, and it would end in 20 minutes or so. He really should leave even though he would’ve very much liked to play another game against Pandora.

“Hey, I haven't been to dinner yet so I should probably go,” Peter said, shifting his gaze from the chessboard to Pandora.

She just looked at him kindly and nodded. “Yeah, preferably. I had a nice time playing.”

“Me too,” Peter agreed. “We should play another game some time.”

“Definitely.”

“Okay.” Peter smiled to himself. Only if all conversations in his life were about chess. “I'll see you, eh?”

“Yeah, see you, Peter,” Pandora quipped before Peter said his final goodbyes and began walking towards the classroom entrance. Ellie saw him out with praise of how good of a player Peter was, and how nice it was to find someone for Pandora to play with. He just took it in, and gave Ellie one last nod accompanied with an awkward smile before practically closing the door onto her face. She was nice, but she could also be overly talkative.

Just as Peter was about to begin his journey down to the great hall, the person he would have least expected to see there showed up.

“You have fun without me?” Camila asked, standing up from the top of the stairwell where she had apparently been sitting.

“What’re you doing here?” Peter inquired, but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped from his mouth as Camila stood up and leaned in for a hug. Peter pressed a kiss onto her cheek as they parted, and noticed that Camila was smiling very widely.

“Came to take you to dinner,” she replied.

“How’d you know I hadn’t been?”

“Lucky guess,” she shrugged, and Peter had to take a pause to admire how pretty she looked again. Camila had her brown hair in a loose ponytail and her bangs had clearly not been taken care of recently, but Peter liked how effortlessly beautiful that made her look. Camila hadn’t taken off her school uniform yet, but the vest had disappeared somewhere despite the coldness in the school building.

“You have fun?” she asked again as Peter had never actually answered her intended question.

“Yeah, I did,” he replied, taking Camila’s hand into his own, and they started walking down the stairs. “I played with this new girl, Pandora from year 10. She’s nice and good for a beginner.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Only had time to play one game, though.”

All of a sudden Camila had a mischievous grin on her face. “She my new rival? Do I need to up my game?”

Peter let out a chuckle. “No. Because I beat her pretty easily, but always lose to you.”

Camila rolled her eyes playfully. “That's ‘cause you can't keep your eyes off of my beautiful face.”

Peter didn't have any other option than to agree. “Well, to be honest, that's pretty much it.”

Camila smacked Peter on the back of his head softly, making him ruffle her hair in response. “Not my hair! It already looks terrible.”

Peter being the sap he secretly was, pressed his lips against Camila’s cheek again. “I like your hair that way, Cam.”

She just laughed lightly. “You're so strange.”

“I’m taking that as a compliment.”

***

Wednesday, January 21st, 1976

For five minutes now, Peter had been trying to think of a fancier word for ‘big’ but nothing sounded quite right. Huge and large didn't do the job, and grand sounded like the Nazis had been a good thing. Peter was writing a paper on Germany during the Second World War for history class, but nothing seemed to click together. And what didn't help at all was that Remus was sitting on the other side of the dorm, writing about the same topic at the speed of a peregrine. He would probably get full marks and Peter would have to settle for a 65 if even that. He had thought about copying some things off of Remus but that was risky work and Peter didn't want to get caught.

Fortunately, or more like unfortunately, as Peter was about to simply write down ‘big’, the 11A dorm door was busted open and Sirius rushed in with a wide grin on his face. Never a quiet day when one was living with Sirius Black—that was something Peter had learned the hard way.

“Where’ve you been?” Remus asked, finally raising his eyes from his paper.

“Snogging Cassidy—not important,” Sirius replied, and Peter noticed he was out of breath. “I have a proposition!”

“She your girlfriend now?” Remus interrogated, completely ignoring the last part of Sirius’ words.

“Not important,” the black haired boy repeated absent-mindedly. “Prongs! Where are you?!”

Peter wanted to cover his ears. “What the fuck are you yelling for?”

Sirius shot an unappreciative look at Peter, and a few seconds later James stumbled out of the toilet, zipping up his trousers. He had surprisingly gotten the cast off of his arm already as Pomfrey had affirmed his elbow was ‘healed enough’. “What?”

“We’ve only got an hour, let's go!” Was the only thing Sirius said before picking up his guitar case, and getting ready to leave the dorm again.

“Where?” Peter asked as confusion filled his head. What the hell was Sirius onto?

James shifted his gaze from the guitar case to Peter and back to Sirius again, opening his mouth in realisation. “Uh-oh.”

“What?”

“C’mon, Pete, you didn't wanna do that history essay anyway,” Sirius just stated, eyeing the paper in front of Peter as he was standing in the doorway. “Now, get up, don't think and follow me.”

At that Peter got a hunch of where Sirius was trying to lure him, and apparently Peter was taking the bait. Remus had seemingly understood what they were going to do as he had already gotten up and taken the bass guitar out of the closet where it had been hiding for a month or so now. James was simply standing in the middle of everything, but because he was James, he wouldn't protest. And now Peter didn't want to ruin the mood by being a prick—happened often enough as it was.

Somehow Sirius managed to lead everyone out of the dorm without anyone uttering a single word, which really was a rare occurrence. The silence didn't last for too long, though. When everybody had stepped out of the House Nicolas premises, James was the first to open his mouth. “We’re going to the music classroom, aren't we?”

“Yes, we are,” Sirius responded determinedly, confirming Peter of his suspicions of their destination.

“And you think this is a good idea because?” Peter scoffed, refusing to take another step before Sirius would give him a reasonable explanation.

Everybody else was already a few metres ahead, but they stopped when Peter’s voice reached their ears. Sirius was the first to turn around. “Can you not be so prejudiced? It’s really ruining my mood.”

Peter scrunched his nose, not cutely, more like in annoyance. “Really? So everyone should just do whatever the hell Sirius Black wants, huh?”

“Come on, Pete, let’s not argue,” James tried to break off the upcoming argument, but with poor results.

“Why’re you so bloody judgmental? I wanna try a thing and you can't give up your fucking uptight attitude for that?!”

A few other boys from their house walked past, and Peter tried really hard not to feel embarrassed. “What if I don’t wanna try your thing? Never really asked to be a part of it, did I?”

Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. “Do it this one time, Wormy, or I’m not letting you copy off of me in chemistry anymore,” he said. “And I’m being nice now.”

Peter chewed the inside of his right cheek with an obvious frown on his face. He really didn't like anything about the situation, but copying off of Sirius was like one of the prerequisites of Peter’s chemistry grade being as good as it was. Without Sirius’ notes and homework answers, he would be fucked.

“Fine,” Peter finally gave in with a long sigh. “But I still don't like this, and I still don’t like you.”

“Well, if it helps, I really don't like you right now either,” Sirius shrugged, but a smile appeared onto his lips as he turned around and began walking again. James gave Peter a reassuring nod before he and Remus quickly followed Sirius. Peter didn't have a lot of choices left, so he did what he had just agreed to do.

Begrudgingly, Peter let his feet continue their steps forward, walking the same trail as the three boys ahead of him. When Sirius had first introduced the idea of a band, Peter had thought he had gone permanently mad. Nobody else, except for Sirius himself, had any experience with anything music-related, and only Remus had taken a more serious interest in music itself as a subject. Obviously James and Peter liked music too, but in a form that they could observe the art, not necessarily make it. But at the moment, it seemed like James’ head had been turned around about that. Both him and Remus had already been practicing with Sirius alone, James with guitar and Remus with bass, but Peter had never even set foot into the Hogwarts music classroom.

Peter didn't directly despise the idea of being in a band, but as he had never even tried playing a musical instrument other than a bloody triangle in primary school, he didn't have much to go on about. It was just that the whole band-agenda couldn’t go too far—it could or should never be a true, real life thing. Ever since Peter had been a child, there had been a choice for him about his future job: a doctor or a lawyer or something respectable. It was out of the question for him to become some sort of a rockstar. Never in his life would Peter’s parents support that, and never in his life could he make a living out of being in a band. It was unrealistic to make money off of music—Peter was a bit dim on some fields, but that he knew for certain.

As they reached the music classroom after some time, Sirius was already marching in, holding his chin high. James and Remus went inside like they had already done a million bloody times before, but for Peter it was more difficult. For a while he pondered whether he should just run away when he still had the chance, but after a while and a ‘fuck it’ chanted in his head, Peter managed to go in.

The music classroom was a big space with all the desks scattered at the back of the class where also the entrance was, and at the front was sort of a stage. There were all kinds of posters on the walls about different bands and artists. Peter recognised a decent amount of them, mostly just because of Sirius’ rambling. At the front of the classroom were all kinds of instruments: two pairs of drums, numerous guitars, another bass guitar, a keyboard, a piano and some wind and string instruments. Peter was amazed by the amount, but what amazed him more was that the feeling of being there wasn't at all as awful as he thought it would be.

“C’mere, Pete, I'll show you the drums!” Sirius beamed from the other side of class. There was no sign of the previous heated conversation anymore, and Peter walked up to where Sirius was with a slight smile on his lips. Remus and James were already setting up their instruments together, chatting quietly about something probably not music-related.

“So, you have one goal when you sit behind the drum kit,” Sirius began talking animatedly as Peter signed that he was listening.

“And what’s that?”

“Make the rhythm and don't mess it up.”

An unsure expression crept onto Peter’s face. “You're aware that I literally can't play the drums, right?”

Sirius just patted his shoulder carelessly. “How do you expect to learn? By watching? Hell no, mate!”

Peter tried to take in everything lightly, but that really wasn't one of his skills. “But aren't the drums like the bone of the whole song?!”

Suddenly Sirius’ expression changed and it reminded Peter of a proud dad. “You're already learning, worm boy!”

Peter groaned. “Not that name!”

Mary had said it as a joke months ago, and Peter still hated the nickname as much as the first time.

Unsure of what was actually supposed to do, Peter circled around the drums as Sirius went to rummage through some drawers, whistling something Peter couldn’t register at the same time. The drums looked just like every set of drums Peter had seen before, and there was nothing really special about them. Still quite hesitant, he sat on the low stool behind them and took the sticks into his hands. Peter twirled them around with his fingers playfully, not truly knowing what he was doing.

“Are we all set up?” Sirius asked, as he returned with a bunch of sheets in his hands.

“Yeah,” James replied, and Remus accompanied the statement with a nod.

Peter grimaced. “Do I have to be?”

“Yes,” Sirius stated, but smirked at Peter as he practically shoved one of the sheets into his arms. It turned out that it was a music sheet of the Beatles song called ‘Come Together’. Peter had heard it too many times from Sirius’ record player by now.

“So, as I’m sure Wormy’s already familiar with the song, it's an easy start,” Sirius explained and walked up to the centre of the ‘stage’, setting up one of the papers onto a sheet holder in front of a microphone. “Pete, could you, like, play me a sample of the song so I can see if you know what the rhythm is in the first place.”

“Me?”

“No, the wall on your right.”

Peter actually looked onto his right, instantly realising that Sirius was just being Sirius. “You're mean.”

“Apology accepted. Now please, play.”

“I didn't even apolo–”

“Play,” Sirius demanded, not leaving any room for Peter to protest.

As there really were no other options left, Peter took a deep breath and looked down onto his hands and all the different kinds of drums. There had been a time in primary school when Peter had messed around with the drums in music class so he knew broadly how some of them sounded. He knew which ones were the basics—which ones he was supposed to hit.

Peter revived ‘Come Together’ in his mind and sort of listened to the song inside of his head. He slowly got a hold of what the tempo was, what the frequency of the hits he was aiming at the drums was supposed to be. It felt so easy inside Peter’s mind, but in reality, he was lost. He was lost, but somehow it was okay. Bringing the sticks together in the air, Peter pounded them against each other four times—just like he had heard on some songs or performances—before bringing the sticks to the drums, beginning to form out a solid rhythm.

Surprising himself, Peter realised what the whole idea of the drums was pretty quickly. He explored the different sounds of the drums as he played the Beatles song inside of his head, bringing it live with the instrument in front of him. Peter couldn’t remember the words, he never did, but it was easy enough without them, because Sirius had managed to infect him with the song throughout the years at school. Without even noticing it at first, a smile had formed onto Peter’s face as he realised he could play out nearly the whole song, keeping up with the tempo he had set in the beginning. In no world would Peter have thought he would actually enjoy the feeling of playing any instrument, but that conception was now entirely refuted.

Peter enjoyed playing the drums.

When the parts Peter remembered of ‘Come Together’ ran out, he dared to finally look up. For the entire time Peter had played he hadn’t glanced up once, but now that he did, he found all three of his dormmates staring at him, their mouths either curved into a smile or an o-like expression.

“Blimey, Pete,” James finally breathed out, breaking into a huge grin. “You're a fucking award-winning drummer!”

Sirius had the same grin on his face. “You're telling me you were afraid of that?”

Remus was just nodding like he was internalising everything. “That was… good.”

The moment of silence that set over was very brief.

“We’re gonna be a fucking band!” Sirius beamed and practically began jumping up and down like a rabbit.

Everybody else, even Peter, started laughing at him. Silently, but very silently, in his mind Peter agreed with Sirius; perhaps they were going to be a band. That would be life-changing and possibly stupid, but there was at least two ounces of potential there.

***

The hour that Sirius had firstly claimed they had, had gone by quickly. After Peter’s first attempt of playing the drums, all four of them had joined their instruments, trying to make ‘Come Together’ sound like a proper song again. It had taken a good while since Peter had occasionally fumbled the beat, James had forgotten what chords he was supposed to play where, and Sirius had gotten too frustrated. Still, in the end, it had sounded pretty solid. Peter definitely didn't know a lot about music, but he knew that for three clueless and one overly knowledgerous boy, they had somewhat succeeded.

Just as Sirius had suggested they should try another song, the door to the music classroom had opened and a middle-aged man had walked in—turned out he was Sirius’ music teacher, Mr. Hearst. Apparently Mr. Hearst had already met everybody else, except Peter, so Sirius had introduced them. Peter wasn't sure what he was supposed to think about the teacher; he dressed like he was stuck in the 50s but in retrospect, spoke like he had lived on the streets of London for years when he gave up the ‘I’m your teacher’-act.

Now the 11A dorm boys were packing up their things, tidying up the music classroom that they had managed to make messy in under an hour. Mr. Hearst would apparently be holding some kind of music theory lecture for some years 9s and 10s, which meant that Peter and the others would have to wrap up their thing, whatever it was. They really couldn’t call it a band, at least not yet, because the only person that knew what he was doing was Sirius. Everyone else just went with whatever he said. Peter wasn't saying he wasn't okay with it, because he definitely was. Otherwise he would have no bloody clue what he was doing if Sirius wasn’t giving some kind of orders.

“You know, boys,” Mr. Hearst began speaking as the four boys were ready to head out, “There was some serious potential there.”

Peter couldn’t resist the smile, and it looked like neither could Sirius, Remus or James.

“Thanks,” Sirius managed to finally reply.

“You should come and practice more,” Mr. Hearst said then as he set up some papers down onto the desks.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” the teacher laughed. “The class’s free from six to nine everyday except Wednesdays and Sundays.”

“Alright, thanks, Hearst,” Sirius responded, clearly content. Peter wasn't really sure what he thought about coming here to practice on a regular schedule.

After that the 11A dorm boys finally left the classroom, Sirius basically leading them out like a tour guide, which he technically had been. At least for Peter. He couldn’t deny it anymore—he had had more fun than in ages. Peter didn't generally enjoy all the pranks James and Sirius loved to pull on other people, but of course he still participated as it was partly fun. The whole ‘let's play and see what happens’-experience had been a lot more entertaining in Peter’s opinion, and he had learned more about himself: he loved playing the drums.

Just as the journey back to the House Nicolas dorms was about to begin, Peter was interrupted by someone shouting his name. “Hey, Peter! Pete!”

As Peter turned around, he was surprised to see his sister waving after him, looking exceptionally strange. Lorelei usually handled herself gracefully, but now she seemed somewhat off-putting.

“I'll come to the dorm in a while,” Peter said to his dormmates as he noticed they were now looking at him confusedly. Then he simply walked up to his sister, suggesting with his demeanor that they’d go somewhere else. Lorelei looked like she really had something to tell Peter, so he decided that an old, empty classroom would be a solid place for conversation.

“So, what’s up?” Peter asked, closing the classroom door after putting the lights on.

Lorelei sighed, throwing her hands in the air and backing up to sit onto an unused desk. She was never this odd, and Peter began to wonder.

“I have a problem,” she finally announced, biting her bottom lip. Lorelei looked usually so put together that it was weird seeing her blonde hair all messed up, her face with prominent dark undereyes and a troubled expression.

“I can see that,” Peter affirmed, resisting the scoff he nearly let out. “What is it?”

“So, you know the boy I’m dating?” Lorelei questioned, and Peter had to admit he didn't. Not because he didn't care (which he really didn't, though) but because he couldn’t keep up with Lorelei’s dating.

“Not really.”

Lorelei rolled his eyes and pressed her chin against the back of her hands. “Tristan from year 13. He’s in House Aberforth.”

Peter nodded unenthusiastically. “That's great, but I really don’t care ‘bout giving you relationship advice.”

Lorelei sighed. “It’s not about our relationship.”

“So, what is it?”

Another sigh. “He wants to come to London and meet our parents for Easter.”

At that Peter’s eyebrows darted up. Lorelei’s boyfriends never wanted to see their parents, but that wasn't the biggest problem—the real difficulty was their dad. “Really? You gonna bring him?”

Lorelei looked helplessly at Peter. “That's what I came to ask you. Dad’ll go crazy if I bring him, but Tristan might break up with me if I tell him I don't want him seeing my parents. I think he's serious about me.”

“Seems like it,” Peter agreed and actually tried to think about the situation. It really would help him if he knew whether this Tristan was a good guy, because their dad could try and tolerate a good guy. Lorelei never dated the good guys, though—she went for the ones with the worst reputations known to mankind.

“Tristan’s okay personality wise?” Peter decided to ask finally, making Lorelei scrunch her face in confusion.

“Yeah, why wouldn't he be?”

Peter shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe ‘cause you always pick the losers.”

Lorelei scowled. “No, I don’t. And Tristan’s fine. He’s polite.”

“Well then,” Peter clapped his hands together, You should bring him home for Easter. Dad would see you can date guys who’re not complete muppets.”

Lorelei seemed annoyed by the statement but didn't cling onto it. “Are you sure?”

“Like, eighty percent,” Peter replied.

“Well, I guess that's good enough,” Lorelei declared.

“Great,” Peter stated.

“Great,” she repeated.

“I guess I'll go then.”

“Yeah. I’m off too.”

And that was pretty much that. Lorelei stood up from where she had been sitting, Peter opened the door and exited the empty classroom after Lorelei. They said their brief farewells, and Peter couldn’t help but feel a small bit of happiness for his sister. If she had truly found someone gentle enough, polite and willing to commit, it was like winning a lottery. There had been times when Peter had thought that those boys Lorelei kept on dating would end up destroying her some day, but he was glad that it wasn't going to happen—at least for now. Peter just hoped their dad would react similarly and not throw a fit. He had a habit of doing so.

As Peter started walking towards his dorm, his feelings lapped over each other. The negative ones of how Lorelei was everything he could never be, and the positive ones of how she was finally able to be with someone worthy, whereas Peter had been blessed with a girl like Camila. There were times when Peter felt the jealousy towards his sister stronger than any other emotion, but right now it wasn't so bad. Perhaps Peter was never meant to be like Lorelei—he had a different kind of future waiting for him. Everybody had always said it was useless to be jealous of someone else’s life, and now Peter was slowly realising why.

It didn't mean that he wouldn't still admire the things Lorelei could do and he couldn't. Maybe Peter shouldn't just think of those as necessarily negative things. He had a habit of being pessimistic, and it really did no good.

Chapter Text

Monday, February 2nd, 1976

“It’s not so bad, Rem. You're overreacting.”

“Oh I’m overreacting?” Remus questioned, doubtfully eyeing the painting canvas in front of him that currently looked like an unclear mess of colours. “Are you blind, Mary? I’ll get a bloody dismissed grade because of this goddamn painting.”

Peter peeked from Remus’ left side to take a look at the bashed artwork. “Er… It could use some improvements, but it’s not that bad.”

“Please, don't lie, Pete,” Remus groaned, hanging his head backwards.

Oh, how he hated art.

“Fix your mindset, stop complaining and paint over the things you don't like,” Mary recommended calmly. Good for her to say when she was sitting behind a painting of a sea view that could have been painted by Vincent fucking van Gogh himself.

“And what if I don’t like anything about it?” Remus inquired in all honesty.

“Then I guess you’ll have to do a whole new painting.”

Remus wanted to punch his fist through the canvas. “God, I hate this subject!”

The messy wodge of colours in front of Remus was supposed to look like a landscape painting of a place that was important to him. He had tried painting the Carell house with all of its gardens and other details, but as Remus truly had no talent whatsoever concerning art, he had butchered the entire painting. There was green, yellow, white and black all over the canvas, but they weren’t in coherence with each other at all. The worst part was that the painting was supposed to be turned in next week, and Remus wanted to start over. Too bad, he couldn’t anymore. Miss Fitz—their art teacher—would probably have Remus’ arse for being such a shitty student. She was a strange individual, anyway.

And the fact that Remus’ painting skills were utter shit wasn't apparently enough. When Sirius had asked him some weeks ago to try to write a bloody song, Remus really had attempted it but given up too many times for it to work out. He couldn’t form anything that sounded even remotely sensible or good.

“Ah, Lupin! Great painting you’ve got there—looks like some pisshead barfed all over your canvas!”

Just fantastic. Remus turned around on his seat, very knowingly having irritation written all over his face, only to see Barty Crouch standing behind him with his arms crossed and a cocky smirk on his lips. Crouch was an ungrateful, whiny prat, and for what Remus was concerned, he was glad James had elbowed the shit out of the House Gellert boy’s face before Christmas break.

“Eat shit, Crouch,” Remus stated, casting the fakest fake smile of all time onto his face.

Barty just smiled back spitefully. “How’s Potter’s elbow? Must be a bit sore still, I s’pose.”

“Perfectly fine,” Remus responded in equal hatred. “How’s your nose? Still hurts when you sneeze, I s’pose.”

Remus was being bitchy and he knew it, but to be honest, Crouch was basically asking for it.

“Y’know, Lupin, it's kinda pitiful how you can't paint for shit and–”

“Oh shut it, would’ya, Crouch?” Mary cut in with a frustrated sigh. Peter had stopped the brushstroke motions he had been focused on before and was now staring incessantly at Barty, Remus and Mary in turns.

“Ah, MacDonald, you're looking good today,” Crouch sneered with an unpleasant grin. Remus wanted to wipe it off of his face so badly. “I’d probably consider doing you like all the other guys at this school, but you're a little too… used to my taste.”

Mary just rolled her eyes. “Don't you have anything better to do than bash your classmates?”

“I dunno! Do you have anything better to do than shag every single guy that looks into your direction? Y’know, if we’re being real here, you're a bit of a slag, MacDonald, so–”

Oh, that was it. Remus had had enough.

Everything happened in a flash, and Remus hardly had time to register what he was truly doing before he did it. The small distance between him and Barty Crouch disappeared in a short moment as Remus stood up from his seat, shoving the chair out of the way. Crouch’s face dropped drastically and in a period no longer than two seconds, Remus’ fist found its way to the younger boy’s face, hitting him straight into the jaw with all the strength Remus stored. Fuck, his fist had been aimed carelessly and he had hurt at least two of his fingers. A loud gasp left Mary’s lips, an ‘uh-oh’ was uttered by Peter, and everybody else in the classroom fell dead silent. Except Crouch.

“Ah, what the fuck?! You're a bloody psycho!” Barty groaned, half sitting and half lying on the floor, gripping his jaw like he was afraid it would fall apart. Remus was glued onto the ground—he stared wordlessly at the distraught expression on Crouch’s face.

Oh shit.

“Mr. Lupin?”

Remus had just punched Barty Crouch.

“Mr. Lupin? I need to ask you to leave the class.”

And it wasn't the first time he had punched someone lately.

“Lupin, you need to exit the class right now!”

What the hell was wrong with him?

“Mr. Lupin? You need to go to the head of your house immediately and…” The rest of the sentence was left unheard.

Despite everything, it had in fact felt good, and if the audience was smaller, Remus would’ve probably smiled.

As he finally realised to come out of his trance, Remus noticed that Miss Fitz had kneeled over to help Crouch get up, but her eyes were still fixed at Remus, a disappointed and antagonised look in them. Barty looked exceptionally displeased at the moment, still holding his jaw and gripping onto his teacher’s shoulder to stand up. Mary had slapped her hand over her mouth, probably in both shock and amusement, and Peter was just staring like he had nothing going inside of his head. The rest of the art students were frozen still on their seats, all gazes following Remus in either amazement or disturbance.

He turned his eyes back to Miss Fitz as an impulsive but honestly a great idea popped into his head. “Er… I’m quitting art! You can keep my painting, give it to Crouch as an apology gift, whatever—he loved it so much.”

After that, Remus did the classic dramatic exit, spinning on his heels and walking out of the classroom fast paced, feeling the heat creeping onto the back of his neck.

“Mr. Lupin! Stop right there!”

Remus did not in fact stop right there; he gracefully flew the art classroom door open, making it hit the hallway wall and marched out, slamming the door shut with so much force the whole school building probably heard it. When Remus was pissed off, he got unpredictably impulsive and thoughtless—a case in point.

Well, at least he was done with those stupid art classes.

***

“Do you have any idea how disruptive and deranged your behaviour was, Mr. Lupin?!”

Remus shrunk smaller and smaller by the second. McGonagall had sat him down in her office after practically running after him through the entirety of the second floor of Hogwarts. Now she was glaring at Remus threateningly from the other side of the desk, hands pressed on the middle of the table, knuckles already resembling the colour white quite accurately. McGonagall’s eyes really could look like hawk’s eyes when she got angry and the sharp angular eyeglasses didn't help the situation at all.

“If Mr. Crouch had been seriously injured, you could’ve gotten expelled! And I am sure many teachers in this school would still stand on that line of action!” The words poured out of McGonagall’s mouth like a waterfall—Remus couldn’t yet see the end of it.

“I would’ve expected something as stupid and disrespectful as this from certain dormmates of yours, but not you, Lupin. What were you even thinking—attacking another student like that?!”

Remus was hanging his head low, not really wanting McGonagall to see his varying facial expressions that he couldn’t control at the moment.

“It reads in our school rules: physically assaulting or touching other students without permission is strictly forbidden! Forbidden, Lupin, forbidden!”

“And what makes you think Crouch is completely innocent?” The words flew out of Remus’ mouth quicker and more unexpectedly than he had anticipated. Therefore he raised his eyes to McGonagall’s level, trying to redeem a cool expression and a steady tone of voice.

Remus was so fucking full of this bullshit.

McGonagall’s entire face twisted. “Are you trying to argue with me, Lupin?”

“No,” Remus sighed. “Look, I'm just saying that Crouch said shitty things about Mary straight to her face, and I–”

“Stop right there,” McGonagall interrupted with a wave of her hand, clearly frustrated by the whole situation.

Remus raised his eyebrows. “What?”

He could’ve sworn he saw McGonagall’s eyes twitching.

Finally the look on the English teacher’s face eased up a bit. It still wasn't kind on any scale, but it wasn't as scary anymore as a few minutes ago. “What kind of things did Mr. Crouch say about MacDonald? Now I better hear something worthy of what led you to your still extremely unthoughtful actions.”

Remus frowned; he really didn't like the idea of reenacting everything Barty had said with his abhorrent piece of shit mouth. Still, that was probably Remus’ best alternative to weasel out of the worst punishments McGonagall had to offer.

“Crouch called Mary a slag. Straight to her face, by the way. He said things like how she sleeps with every guy that even looks into her direction, but I'm pretty sure Mary hasn't actually had sex with anyone from our school. She’s not actually a slag either, and the statement was–”

“Thank you, Mr. Lupin, that was quite enough.” McGonagall interrupted hastily, adjusting her glasses as Remus trailed a little off topic, though he thought it would be useful for the older woman to know that Crouch was also a liar. On top of being a massive shithead, obviously.

Remus pursed his lips awkwardly. “Are you still intending to expel me?”

McGonagall sighed, shaking her head. Now she seemed more tired rather than mad. “No, Lupin, unfortunately you're too smart for me to expel you,” she said, looking Remus straight in the eye. “But in addition, you’ve proven that you're more stupid than I would’ve been able to imagine.”

“Oh,” Remus mouthed. Well, that wasn't so bad—at least he wasn't going to get expelled, and not even suspended.

“You're still required to sit through two week’s worth of detention, I'm afraid. And yes, you’ll serve those hours in my classroom every weekday evening at six o'clock like always.”

Fuck. For a moment Remus had thought he would have been able to walk away, free of any sanctions, but of course that was never going to happen with McGonagall as the head of his house.

“Can I go now?” Remus then dared to ask. He was starving and his lunch hour had nearly been fully wasted by sitting in McGonagall’s office.

“Yes. Go to lunch and attend your classes for the rest of the day, please,” she responded, sounding truly exhausted. Perhaps McGonagall was in need of another winter break.

Remus stood up from his seat and walked up to the door, but just as he pressed his hand into the door handle, he realised he had almost forgotten the most important topic. “Hey, McGonagall?”

The older woman raised her previously lowered head, fixing her glasses again. “Yes, Lupin?”

“I, erm… I sort of announced in front of the whole class that I'm quitting art.”

A both confused and fed up expression was plastered all over McGonagall’s face after those words, and she took off her eyeglasses entirely, setting them onto her desk carefully.

“Remus, dear, you can't quit a subject,” she said, scratching her nose.

Remus shrugged. “Technically, yes, I can. I’ll just never go to class again.”

“Please don't antagonise me any more than you already have,” McGonagall pleaded firmly, looking at Remus with tired eyes.

He pursed his lips. “What I'm trying to say is that I'm quitting art, and therefore I could switch to music.”

McGonagall’s eyebrows shot up. “Music?”

Remus nodded, now a little more enthusiastically. “Yeah. I've lately taken interest in music. And Crouch wouldn't be there, you know, inciting me to aggressive behaviour.”

After that a brief silence set over, but neither participants of the conversation broke off the eye contact.

“I will talk to Miss Fitz and Mr. Hearst,” McGonagall stated finally, making Remus cheer internally. Had he really succeeded in getting rid of art? Bloody hell, he loved life.

“Thanks, professor,” Remus quipped, but tried to seem less happy than he actually was so that McGonagall wouldn't change her mind.

“Yes, whatever, go on then. Lunch will end soon,” McGonagall urged half-heartedly, making Remus spin on his heels and finally open the office door. “And Lupin?”

Remus turned back around. “Mmh?”

“You should consider a career in jurisprudence.”

Oh?

“Er… okay,” Remus said confusedly, throwing one last look at McGonagall who had already occupied herself with other matters before he stepped out of the office.

Jesus Christ, jurisprudence? Had McGonagall just seriously suggested to Remus that he should go to law school just because he had punched another student, quit a subject that one could apparently not quit and convinced the teacher that was accountable of him that his friend wasn't a slut, and that the student he had punched deserved it?

Well, at least he hadn’t been expelled.

***

Tuesday, February 3rd, 1976

It had been exactly 24 hours since Remus had squashed his fist into Barty Crouch’s face and now all the consequences were bothering his life.

Hogwarts wasn't a big school by any means, which meant that information spread quickly. It seemed like the knowledge of Remus assaulting Barty had traveled even faster than some relationship rumours did, as it was apparently way more interesting. For the entirety of yesterday evening and this morning, nearly every student Remus had walked past had either looked at him sideways, whispered something rude behind his back, or cheered at him. The reactions were varying, but most of the school’s student population seemed to not be on Remus’ side, if there were such sides. He didn't personally give a shit about that, Remus was just utterly embarrassed of all the attention and staring that was aimed towards him.

But what was even worse than all the attraction towards Remus—his horrible, way too invested, theatrical dormmates. It felt like Sirius and James were glued to each of Remus’ sides and there was absolutely no way of removing them. Peter was much more modest about the situation; he had obviously celebrated Crouch’s (once again) unpleasant fate, but didn't go around the school hallways yelling how Remus was the saviour of this generation. Sirius and James on the other hand, they were menaceful fuckheads at the moment. They were the ones that went around the school, shouting how Remus should become the next king of Britain. God, he wished he could just make the pair shut the hell up and be normal like everybody else.

“I just wished I could’ve been there to see it,” the other half of the case in point sighed.

Remus shot an irritated look at Sirius who was sitting beside him at the dining table. It was lunchtime, but Remus wished it wasn’t. “Can we change the topic?”

“No,” Sirius replied like Remus was exceptionally dimwitted to be asking that. “You should seriously start a career as a professional fighter or something, y’know—like charging other people for you to hit their enemies and stuff.”

“Yeah, and then you could, like hire other people and teach ‘em how to punch properly,” James added, clearly eager to continue Sirius’ line of thought.

Remus was absolutely mortified and he was deadbent on getting out of this conversation. Nothing was stopping him except for the half-finished steak on his plate and the hunger that was still wallowing in his stomach.

“Seriously, stop,” Remus scoffed, pointing to the two of his dormmates with his fork. “Look, first Mulciber pissed me off and then Crouch did the same—it’s not like I'm hitting other people for fun.”

“Sort of seems like that,” Sirius pointed out, making Remus almost lose his mind.

“I actually despise you so much right now.”

“It’s okay, Moony,” Sirius just smirked, completely unfazed by that phrase. “I know you love me.”

James snorted at that but didn't add anything of his own to say, which Remus was partly thankful for.

How come whenever Remus needed Peter’s company the most, he seemed to be missing every single time. Well, Peter wasn’t exactly missing, but he was with Camila and not defending Remus from the terrors of Sirius Black and James Potter. Peter was most times the neutral one, and he never felt radical enough about anything for it to become, for example, a forbidden topic in the dorm, and Remus had learned to be grateful about that. With Sirius it was sometimes impossible to keep track of stuff you could ask him about or mention of, but in Remus’ favour, he wasn't a big talker and therefore rarely crossed any of Sirius’ invisible, unpredictable lines.

As James and Sirius finally switched to talk about something else—on a scale of one to ten, how drunk would you have to be to do Madam Pince, which wasn't worth a further elaboration—and Remus finished the rest of his plate, he decided to leave the two best friends to their own, strange company. He went to return his dishes to the kitchen, greeted Lily and Marlene on his way out as the pair walked into the great hall and started just wandering around, seeing where his legs would take him. First it seemed like Remus was heading to the third floor to make a phone call back to London, but halfway through his journey he decided against it. Therefore Remus did an U-turn and directed his steps towards the cold air waiting for him outside the building.

Remus didn't have a coat with him and the weather told him it would be a problem, but being the stubborn person he was, Remus reassured himself he would survive with the warmth his school uniform gave him at the moment. After all, it was only the greenhouse Remus was going to, and it wasn't that far away. However, he was proven wrong.

Fucking hell.

The moment Remus stepped out of the school building, he knew he would suffer. It was snowing once again, but this time the snow flakes looked like they could give you a concussion if they flew fast enough. Already freezing from being a couple seconds outside, Remus began desperately jogging towards the greenhouse. He had miscalculated his own tolerance of coldness very badly and now he was facing the consequences—quite classic, really.

When Remus finally reached the greenhouse after a time that felt like a bloody eternity, he went in completely blind, just extremely joyous about the semi-warm temperature inside. And just as Remus had purposefully anticipated, he wasn't alone; Regulus had stood up from where he had previously been sitting and was now staring at Remus from head to toe.

“Don't you have a coat?” the younger boy asked, sighing and sitting back down.

“I do,” Remus responded, knowingly annoying Regulus, and went to sit beside him. Regulus had chosen the spot behind the violet coloured flowers again, and he hadn’t brought literally anything with him—no bag, no book, no nothing. Except for a coat.

“I just didn't care to fetch it from the dorm,” Remus explained then, though Regulus hadn’t asked. That earned him a scoff.

“Didn't think you wouldn't have one.”

Remus resisted the urge to point out how similarly Sirius would have replied. One thing he knew about the Black brothers and that was that neither of them liked being compared to each other.

“What’re you doing here today?” Remus decided to question as he dug a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from his trouser pockets.

Regulus shot an unamused look at him. “Being.”

Remus raised his eyebrows as he lit a fag between his lips, holding his knees up to rest his arms on them. “I knew you’d say something like that. So, another technique; I’m avoiding your brother and James, what about you?”

Now Regulus hummed, definitely still not keen to participate in the conversation. “Figuratively, doing the same thing.”

“Well, aren't we a pair?” It was a rhetorical question and Regulus just let out a quiet ‘hmph’. Remus was carefully trying to dig something—anything—out of Regulus, just like he had silently and secretly promised himself that one time before Christmas.

Remus took an unusually long drag out of his cigarette, watching how the smoke he blew out of his mouth dissolved into the air. “You want a smoke?” he asked Regulus, who just shot an unappreciative glance at him.

“Why would I?”

Remus shrugged. “It’s all about the experience—trust me.”

Regulus’ face twisted into disgust, but there was something else laying under it that Remus couldn’t quite place. Regulus was by far the most difficult person to try to read, but there was some kind of silent understatement between him and Remus. Or then Remus was going crazy and had pictured it all.

“Fine. Give it here,” Regulus eventually said, holding out his delicate hand. It looked exactly like Sirius’, but it was missing the silvery ring the older brother kept on his middle finger.

“Alright,” Remus mused, secretly amused by Regulus as he handed the fag to him. “Do you need instructions?”

“No,” Regulus answered in an instant, eyeing the cigarette like it could bite him at any given moment.

“Okay, I'm giving them anyway,” Remus stated, because he didn't want Regulus murdering him for what was about to come if he didn't know how to smoke properly. “You can’t inhale the smoke into empty lungs—if you do, you’ll cough like hell. So, take in a bit of fresh air, then inhale. Then exhale or whatever you do when breathing normally.”

After those words Regulus seemed to begin contemplating whether it really was a good idea or not. Remus didn't blame him.

“God, I’ll never know why you do this for fun,” Regulus finally huffed, slowly bringing the cigarette to his lips. They were just like Sirius’—with a prominent cupid’s bow and a light pink colour.

Remus watched as Regulus first exhaled, then inhaled a bit and concentratedly set the fag between his lips, breathing in the smoke. Just as one could have guessed, Regulus’ facial expression changed to a grossed out one, he took the cigarette out of his mouth pretty quickly and coughed gracefully into the crook of his arm. Remus couldn’t help but laugh at the sight amusedly, taking the cigarette back from Regulus as he was basically shoving it away from himself.

“Jesus, I'm never doing that again,” Regulus managed to groan as he stopped coughing and turned to look at Remus, still visibly disgusted.

“Yeah, that was a bit predictable,” Remus chuckled, taking a drag out of the fag way more successfully than Regulus.

“Predictable?”

“I don’t know anyone who’s not had a coughing fit their first time smoking,” Remus explained in all honesty. That included him too—now it was just an endearing memory, though.

“I seriously don't understand why anyone would wanna do that willingly.”

Remus shrugged. “It helps with the nerves.”

“It does?” Regulus asked like he was genuinely curious.

“Yeah. At least for some people.”

A brief silence set over, and Remus continued smoking until there was nothing but an ashy cigarette butt left, which he put out with his shoe.

“Why did you hit Barty yesterday?” Regulus inquired then, breaking the tranquility and turning his gaze to Remus.

Just the question he wanted to hear—great.

Remus bit his lip. “He said some pretty fucked up things to Mary, y’know.”

“Yeah, well, Barty can be a bitch,” Regulus agreed, looking at his feet.

“Understatement of the year,” Remus snorted.

Regulus let out an amused hum too, and that felt like a huge accomplishment.

Just as Remus was about to open his mouth again, the sound of the door leading to the greenhouse creaking open interrupted him. He turned his head towards the direction of the sound, only to find Pandora Rosier standing there, her gaze most definitely aimed at Regulus. Pandora was in the same year as Regulus, she had long blonde hair, light skin and lots of silver jewelry on.

“Hey, Reg,” she said softly, also nodding at Remus who raised his fingers in an awkward greeting. “I need a psychology study partner. Could you come? Barty’s complaining and Evan’s with him ‘cause he apparently thinks studying is useless.”

Remus raised his eyebrows at that. Sounded a lot like something he would have to deal with his unnamed, completely anonymous dormmates.

“Yeah, course,” Regulus responded and stood up from his place, throwing an unreadable look at Remus. It wasn't mean, though, not anymore. “Nice seeing you, Lupin.”

Remus nodded. “You too, Black.” They were clearly on a last name basis.

After that Regulus walked out of the greenhouse, Pandora holding the door open for him. Right when the pair was about to leave and Remus thought he was alone, Pandora's head piped up from the small crack between the door and the wall. “You know that they call you deranged now?”

Remus knew. “Yeah, I know. It’s better than ‘loser Lupin’ or ‘raunchy Remus’ though.”

Pandora looked like she was sorry. “True,” she said. “They used to call me ‘daft Dora’.”

Remus had heard it before. “I’m sorry.”

“Don't be.” Those were the last words exchanged before Pandora closed the door and assumedly continued her journey with Regulus.

Now Remus was finally alone and he let out a heavy sigh. There was something solemnly wrong with him for people to start calling him deranged—that’s what McGonagall had said, and she was unnecessarily dramatic when it came to stuff like this.

Well, at least they didn't call Remus ‘loser Lupin’ anymore. That had probably been the worst.

Chapter Text

Saturday, February 14th, 1976

It was Valentine’s Day—a fantastic invention, if it weren't for the fact that James still couldn’t get Lily’s attention in any of the ways he meant to. Or even when he could, Lily still wasn't seeing the obvious connection that definitely was there; James was not crazy, like some might have called him for being so hellbent on getting Lily.

Valentine’s Day at Hogwarts also meant it was the day of anonymous love notes, which in summary was that there had been a huge box in the front of the great hall for the whole week now where students could drop anonymous notes for other students (nothing mean allowed, but it still happened, because no teacher wanted to read love notes from a horny teenage student to another). The notes were usually handed out during lunch, just like today, which meant that now all of the dorm 11A boys were sitting closely together at one of the tables, inspecting the notes they personally had received.

James had of course checked all of his notes for Lily’s handwriting, but there were none written in it. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed though he hadn’t truly expected a different outcome.

“Hey, I have a proposition!” Sirius exclaimed suddenly, making the three other boys shift their eyes to him.

“What now?” Remus asked, clearly not expecting any spectacular ideas to come out of Sirius’ mouth.

“Well, we all know about how the kitchen sink in our dorm sprays water all over ‘cause it's broken or loose or some shit, right?” he began by asking.

“Yes,” James, Remus, and Peter responded simultaneously. “You were the one who hit the sink with a frying pan and broke it,” Remus added, making Sirius just shrug like it was nothing.

“I was drunk,” he stated carelessly. “Anyway, so as we all have a problem getting a glass of water here and there”—every single day, if James was asked—“I was thinking that the one who got the least love notes could be the busboy for the next month. Like y’know, bring you a glass of water if you ask so then you won’t get wet all over, but the busboy will.”

James pursed his lips.

“Terrible idea,” Peter dared to finally say with a grimace. “Absolutely terrible, because I’m definitely the one with the least! I have a bloody girlfriend, Sirius!”

“We could also just tell McGonagall and she’d get it fixed and–” Remus tried to reason, but Sirius interrupted him mid-sentence. “God, you're all so boring!”

“Or your idea was just bad.”

“Don't antagonise me today, Moony.”

“What, your current girlfriend didn't write you an endearing enough love note, is that it?”

“Doesn’t seem like you've got so many either so–”

“Oh my God!” James cut in with a loud groan. “Can you two stop? You're literally arguing every second of every day! It's annoying.”

Peter nodded in agreement, taking a sip of water out of his glass, not very keen on participating in the conversation.

“Blame Moony. He started it,” Sirius replied flatly, casting a judgmental look at Remus who just rolled his eyes.

“You insulted me.”

“I insulted all three of you,” Sirius corrected.

“Anyways, in my opinion we should tell McGonagall about the sink,” James interrupted. He really liked the idea of pouring himself a glass of water without getting his clothes wet as he would once again forget that the sink truly was not working.

“Fine. You can tell her.”

“No,” James disagreed. “You tell her, ‘cause you broke the sink.”

“Well, you were the one who egged me on to drink!”

“No, I wasn't! That was Moony—he was having a bad day and wanted to drink, so then we all decided to get hammered in mutual agreement.”

“Mutual agreement my ass!”

James rolled his eyes, but the annoyance causing that gesture was swept away in a matter of seconds. “Hey, y’wanna know what some girl wrote to me?”

Sirius perked up instantly, an excited gleam in his eyes. “What?”

James saw Remus scowl and Peter sigh, like it was a daily occurrence for James and Sirius to switch the nature of the discussion so quickly (probably because it was) as he quickly went through all the anonymous love notes he had gotten. There were quite plenty if James was honest, but he didn't care for them—not when none of them were from Lily.

“Ah, here it is!” James announced as he finally found the one he was talking about. “Okay, so she said—now I'm quoting; her words, not mine—so, ‘handsome, charismatic, brave, dashing; those are all words that come to mind whenever I think about you, James. I admire your confidence and intelligence, but most of all, your hair, and that sexy smile. You should smile at me some more’,” he read out loud from the note. “Then here's, erm... I’m not sure what it is, but it's the number five and the letter A. Then another letter—B, but it's like further away.”

As James finally looked up he could see Sirius staring at him, eyebrows raised and mouth in a crooked smirk. Remus and Peter on the other hand looked both rather disturbed.

“Show me that paper, Prongs,” Remus spoke first, putting his hand out. James handed the note to him cluelessly, and Remus clearly began inspecting it.

“Bloody hell, Prongs!” Sirius finally laughed out loud. “You just got an invitation to go and shag some chick!”

“What?!” The yelp escaped James’ lips as he registered what Sirius had just said to him. “What do you mean?!”

Remus was the next to burst out in laughter, then Peter and eventually James was the only one who didn't have a wide smile on his face. “Why? What's– How– I mean, why would she do that?!”

“Cause you're a good-looking guy,” Remus answered with a chuckle.

“And you're the football captain,” Sirius added.

“Oh my God!” James groaned and buried his face into his hands. How come some random bloody girl was inviting James to shag her in her dorm, although he was pretty certain they had never talked face to face—James didn't know absolutely anyone who would write about him like that. Why wasn't Lily interested in him, even the tiniest bit, but some random girl was? What the hell was James doing wrong?

“C’mon, Prongs, it's not that bad!” Sirius exclaimed after a while, patting James on the shoulder. “Some chick wrote to me straight up that she would like to jump my bones—may I add her intended location was the biggest broom cupboard on the third floor.”

James finally raised his head to turn to look at Sirius, but what caught his attention was the utter disgust on Remus’ face. “That's fucking nasty.”

Sirius shrugged. “It's not so bad—you just have to find the right position.”

At that Remus covered his ears instantly and seemed like he wanted to unhear the sentence. James laughed, and Peter shrugged. “It’s really not that bad.”

“You’ve snogged Camila in a broom cupboard?” James snorted, his eyebrows darting up.

“Yeah. Obviously.”

“Prongs, you have literally not lived before you've hooked up with someone in a broom cupboard,” Sirius said, keeping his expression as stern as possible.

James sighed. “Well, Lily doesn't wanna snog me in a broom cupboard so what can I do?”

“Find someone else?” suggested Remus. He had finally taken his hands off of his ears.

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then you can mope in peace and continue being the fool you are,” Sirius said encouragingly.

“You're insulting me? On Valentine’s Day?”

“Well, it's not like I'm your valentine or anything,” Sirius snorted.

“You two are ridiculous,” Remus retorted.

“And weird as hell,” Peter added.

“Why thank you, Moony and Wormy,” Sirius just sing-songed with a huge grin covering his mouth.

James rolled his eyes. “I can't believe I get called ridiculous when you're like that.”

“Now you're definitely insulting me, Potter.”

“Wow, you're also so smart.”

“Literally, go fuck yourself.”

***

Sunday, February 15th, 1976

It seemed like the Valentine’s Day prank James and Sirius had pulled on Mulciber (Snape and Crouch too) had worked out gracefully, as James didn't notice the House Gellert boy amongst the rest of the football team. Remus and Peter weren't even aware that James and Sirius had taken as a task to write all three, unpleasant boys love notes from people they knew would reject them. Cruel, yes, but absolutely hilarious. They had already witnessed Crouch fumbling himself in front of a girl from his year who definitely didn't show any interest in him. Now it was only presumable the same thing had happened to Mulciber and he had managed to work out with that small brain of his who had actually been behind that note.

James smiled to himself as the thought of that crossed his mind, watching the frosty grass beneath his feet as he jogged forward. He had really hated the whole injured elbow-thing as he had missed tons of practice because of it. Now James was trying to get into proper shape again, at the same time torturing the whole team. Today he had forced everyone to stretch, do five laps around the field, then some exercises without a ball and then some with a football. And by the time they had got to the actual game, everybody had been awfully out of breath and exhausted—except James, who was simply thrilled to be back on the field. Perhaps that was one of the reasons the game wasn't flowing very well and James was nearly the only one actually running.

Alright, it was only fair to mention that the weather wasn't the most optimal either; the football field was frosty, and snow was falling slowly from the sky, making the air seem even colder than it was. James quite liked the snow and the cosiness of winter, but he did not however like the coldness. And it seemed like neither did anyone else on the team.

“Alright, let's wrap it up for today!” James shouted then, blowing into the whistle hanging from his neck. They still had technically about ten minutes left, but nobody seemed eager enough to make those minutes count so it was better to end practice than drag it out forcefully.

James jogged to pick up all of his stuff from the side of the field, as did everybody else, and retreated gladly to the warm locker room. The winter was always difficult concerning football training since Hogwarts didn't really have an opportunity to train inside. Still, James was extremely proud of all the guys on the team, because they kept on trying and wanted to improve—that was the most important thing.

As James undressed himself of the warm layer of clothes, only then did he realise how sweaty he was. Perhaps he should have started with something a little easier after a month and a half of doing basically nothing—okay, well, he had still gone jogging and running. When James stepped into the shower after a while of fumbling in the changing space of the locker room, throwing the towel on a nearby rack, he relaxed immediately. The warm water poured onto his skin just right, and James dared to close his eyes, hanging his head back so his hair wouldn't get wet. The locker room showers weren't very private and James felt pretty self-conscious; being there all exposed and naked. He didn't let it bother him, though—there were worse things in the world.

However what managed to bother James, was a conversation he could hear from the other side of the wall, which he probably was not supposed to hear.

“Yeah, I mean, the guy’s a bloody lunatic.”

“Exactly what I've been saying—feel bad for Potter that he has to share a dorm with that lad.”

They were talking crap about Remus; James knew it, because he had heard too much of it before.

“Isn't he like friends with him too? I see the lame-o in the stands sometimes.”

“Well, if they are, I reckon Potter’s got something seriously wrong with his head.”

That was enough for James.

His mind was fuming—how could anyone talk about Remus Lupin of all people like that? He was probably the most thoughtful and observant person in the world, but just a little introverted. It didn't mean that he was a fucking lame-o or more importantly a lunatic. James bet that those guys didn't even know why exactly Mulciber or Crouch had gotten that (those, actually) hits.

James quickly turned off the shower, grabbing his towel and drying himself as fast as possible. Then he wiped his round eyeglasses that had fogged up during the shower, and tied the towel loosely around his waist. After that James marched back into the other space of the locker room with a grave expression. He noticed immediately whose conversation he had been listening to by the ‘deer in the headlights’-expression on their faces: Caius Avery and Deacon Goyle. Snape’s dormmates, obviously, James ought to have expected that.

Despite the two House Gellert boys who were now staring at James like he was a threat, he began changing into clean clothes, trying his best to mind his own business. Lots of the other guys had already left, not bothering to shower or even change yet, and there were only about five boys left in the locker room that weren't either James, Avery or Goyle. James didn't really wish to cause a scene, but at that moment he decided Avery and Goyle shouldn't just walk away without consequences either. They were already too arrogant and mean for their own good—James should probably put them into their place, harshly or not.

When James had finally fully dressed himself and packed all of his stuff, he threw the training bag over his shoulder and turned to look at Avery and Goyle, hopefully with a despising expression on his face. Both boys looked at James like he was a bloody ghost that had come back alive.

“You should watch your mouth—both of you,” James started by saying coldly, not really thinking what was slipping out of his mouth. “You know, perhaps you’ll end up like Mulciber and Crouch if you don't. Oh, then I could also kick you both off the team—that would look really good on your university application; ‘Caius Avery - kicked off of the football team, Deacon Goyle - also kicked off of the football team’!”

James really hadn’t been aware that he of all people had that much malicious words laying on the top of his tongue, but he gladly let them all out, watching how the House Gellert boys’ faces slowly turned white.

“Then of course you’d find another extracurricular activity to replace football with, but what if I’d, hmm, let's say, tell someone that you're both big on harassing younger girls? Y’know, just the new year 7’s and some year 8’s? I bet all the teachers would just love you after that, right?”

Satisfied with the horrified looks on both Avery’s and Goyle’s faces, James decided to leave it at that and turned his back on them. Very proud of himself, he left the locker room with a triumphant smile and light feet. For once in his life, James had done something debatably mean and he was content about it—a fucking weird feeling. Still, he was definitely happy about defending Remus like that; he didn't deserve idiots like Avery and Goyle talking crap about him, spreading lies and stupid stuff around.

Now that James thought more about the previous situation, he felt bloody fantastic. Maybe he should be rude more often, but just towards the people that had earned the rudeness.

This is the day, James told himself, feeling all giddy and excited although he knew it probably was not the day.

***

For the entirety of dinner, James had been thinking how he could finally change Lily’s mind of everything James was and wasn't. He wished Lily could have seen the Avery-Goyle-confrontation, but James hadn’t even told anyone about that. See, he was being respectful and all that, and didn't want to boast about threatening other people, because then he could get into trouble. Therefore—as Lily still wasn't warming up to James—he had asked advice from Mary and Marlene at dinner about what he should and shouldn't do. Mary had said to try to ask Lily basic questions, like what book she was reading, what flowers she liked and all that shit. Marlene on the other hand had suggested James bring her to a nice spot at the lake, but since it was winter and freezing outside, James wasn't too enthusiastic about that idea.

Now he was trying to find Lily, desperately strolling around the Hogwarts hallways as Mary and Marlene had tipped she had gone to the library. James was pretty sure no one except Lily Evan spent so much time in the bloody library. He personally went there an estimated three times per year—most of the time because he needed to find Remus.

Just as James reached the library entrance, he also reached Lily Evans. She was walking out with a huge stack of books in her hands, a school bag hanging from her shoulder and a slight frown on her face. Lily didn't seem very happy at the moment, but James still took the chance and approached her. He had been hit in the head with a book before—he could take the irritation that was practically radiating off of Lily.

“Heyyy, Lily,” James greeted, trying to sound as light and friendly as possible.

Lily shot a questioning look at him and stopped in her tracks. “What do you want, Potter?”

“I see you’re a little uncomfortable there.”

Lily looked confused, her eyebrows raised and lips pursed into a thin like. “Clearly. Can I help you?”

James felt the embarrassment creeping up to him, scratching his head awkwardly and throwing a lopsided smile onto his lips. “Yeah, you could let me carry your books for you.”

Lily’s eyebrows raised even higher. “Pardon me?”

James shrugged and smiled at the expression on Lily’s face. It was so sweet he could have died right there. “Let me help you, Lily, for once in your life.”

It seemed like Lily was weighing her options for a while, observing James like he was a stranger offering Lily a ride home. “Fine,” she finally responded, making James’ smile only widen.

He took the books off of Lily’s hands, slightly brushing fingers with her in a way that made his whole body feel like an electric shock had just struck him. Even though the book pile was probably heavier than an overweight dog, and James’ recently healed elbow wasn’t yet back to its normal self fully, he joyously began carrying the books towards the dorms. Lily’s every step next to James seemed unsure, but she didn't try to insult him in any way—at least not yet.

“So, what's your favourite colour?” James started the conversation bluntly, a smile appearing onto his face as he turned to look at Lily. Her auburn hair was tied into a loose bun today, she was wearing dark blue jeans and a brown shirt and there were golden, dangly earrings hanging from her auricles.

“What?” Lily asked with a laugh like she couldn't believe James had just said that.

“Your favourite colour,” he repeated, unfazed by the reaction.

By the expression on Lily’s face, James deduced that she was debating whether she should answer the question or not. And just as he was losing all hope that Lily wouldn't, she opened her mouth. “Green, but not the bright one—the dark shade.”

James grinned. “Just like your eyes.”

He could’ve sworn he saw Lily’s corner of mouth twitching upwards. “I guess so, yeah. What's yours?”

No way. For a moment James thought he had heard something wrong, but no, Lily Evans really was asking him about something else than what was wrong with him. “I like red. Blue’s nice too.”

Lily just nodded, so James began talking more. “Red’s also the colour of my favourite football team—Manchester United. Y’know they're from your city.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lily responded like it was obvious, probably because it was.

“Yeah,” James mused. “What's your favourite flower?”

Lily chuckled. “Are you asking that ‘cause I'm named after a flower or because you're really interested?”

“Because I’m really interested,” James answered in an instant, not even regretting it. He was just being honest, nothing wrong with that.

“I like daisies. And sunflowers too.”

To James, that made so much sense, because Lily was exactly the kind of person to love daisies and sunflowers. It was like she radiated the energy of those flowers—in the best way possible. James had always perceived daisies as a happy flower, sunflowers too obviously. They were like pure sunshine but in a plant form.

“That's so you,” he said then, making Lily furrow her brows.

“So me?”

“Yeah. Like, I can see you loving those exact flowers.”

Lily seemed a bit amused. “Oh, okay. Alright.”

James couldn't have possibly wiped the smile off of his face, no matter how hard he might have tried. There was something so special about Lily talking to him like the kind girl he knew she was deep inside. Sometimes James wondered whether Lily was being rude to him for nothing, but times like this made him realise they just didn't know each other very well yet.

“So, how’s your day been?” James decided to inquire as he couldn't quickly think of anything else and they were nearing the House Celestina dorms, which meant his time was running out.

Lily turned to glance at him with a slight smile on her lips. It felt like a fucking win. “It’s been fine really. I haven't done much—just studied and hung out with Mary and Marls.”

“Thats nice,” James responded with a nod. “I should still get some chemistry homework done tonight, but it really doesn't sound that appealing.”

“Slughorn’s chemistry, right?”

James raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, how’d you know?”

Lily shrugged. “Severus has the same class tomorrow.”

“Ah, ‘course.”

Fuckhead, James thought bitterly in his head, but didn't say it out loud. If anything, that would have ruined every ounce of progress he and Lily had just made. James still couldn't possibly fathom why someone like Severus bloody Snape was so important to Lily, when she had so many more sweet and caring people around her. Snape was like a squib—he didn't just look disgusting, he acted like it, and nobody truly enjoyed being around him. Except Lily because of whatever the hell her reason was.

As James and Lily reached the House Celestina dorms together, they stopped briefly outside the door to the common room and James handed the big stack of books to Lily wistfully, because he knew they wouldn't probably talk again like this in a long while. Lily took the books into her hands, flashing a subtle smile to James again, still not seeming very eager to be in this situation with him. James brushed it off the best he could, trying to seem like: 1. There wasn't a war going on inside his head and 2. He wasn’t completely and utterly in love with Lily Evans.

“Er, thanks for the help, I guess,” Lily said then, breaking the silence that had formed between them.

“Yeah, no problem at all,” James responded happily. “I’d gladly do it again—y’know, just tell me if you need me to.”

Lily shook her head and lowered her eyes onto the ground, but there was an amused look on her face, which made James’ stomach flutter and his head go all fuzzy. She looked so beautiful, just like every other day, and he didn't want to take his eyes off of her, ever.

“I’ll see you around, Potter,” Lily declared then, turning on her heels and beginning to walk towards her dorm.

James couldn’t help but grin like the idiot he was. “Oh, I’ll definitely see you ‘round, Evans!”

She snapped her head around momentously, shooting one last glance at James that made his knees weak and mouth water. Holy shit, he had just had a whole normal-people-like conversation with Lily where not a single sneer or insult had been exchanged, and both participants had ended it with a smile on their faces. This was probably one of the first of those, if not the first.

James watched as Lily disappeared into the House Celestina common room, leaving him standing there alone, a stupid grin covering his mouth and mood higher than the bloody Mount Everest. Holy fucking shit, James thought one last time before he turned around and began walking towards his own dormroom. He reckoned the other boys were already there; they had left dinner before James, not really telling anything of their intended destination. That was how James had got talking with Mary and Marlene—his dormmates had practically abandoned him. Not that he didn’t like the company of Mary and Marlene, but they just weren’t his best friends or anything.

On his way to the House Nicolas dorms, James glared out of a window, only to see that it was raining. It was the middle of February and it was raining on top of the freshly white ground. That was one of the reasons James didn’t particularly like Scotland—the weird weather that usually didn’t work in his nor anybody else’s favour.

Just as James was about to reach the common room entrance, entirely ready to jump into his bed and sleep off the food haze and daydream about Lily Evans, someone bumped into him—no, more like flew at him—with so much force James began stumbling. He didn’t fall though, which was a damn good thing since for a moment there James had been sure he would at least tumble onto his arse.

“What the hell, mate?” James asked with a nervous laugh, turning to look at the person who–

Oh.

It was the one person on Earth who James had not expected to see standing there—Regulus Black. The younger boy had a hard look on his face, but there was a slight twinkle of panic in his eyes, which completely threw James off. They were the prettiest colour of gray-ish blue he had ever seen, and for a moment he could remember seeing them in the water of the Great Lake at Halloween. It didn't help at all either that Regulus’ beautiful, black hair was curling perfectly onto the sides in the humid weather, framing his face to look somehow even more like a sculpture. It was those Black family genetics, crazy little things.

“Sorry, Potter,” Regulus finally mumbled, taking a quick glance at James before looking away again. James got a feeling Regulus wasn’t big at eye contact, but then again, he wasn’t really big on any kind of social interactions.

“Er… Yeah, it was nothing,” James said after a while, trying to reach Regulus’ gaze, which was apparently quite impossible. “You okay, tho? Seemed like you were in a hurry or something.”

The expression on Regulus’ face stiffened to a sour one, making James think whether he should have just respectfully ended the conversation. “And why wouldn’t I be? You’re not Sirius, don’t try to act like you are.”

And then—before James was even able to comprehend what Regulus had said—the other boy had started walking away. James saw as the last of Regulus disappeared behind the corner, leaving him confused again. There was something strange about Regulus he couldn’t pinpoint at the moment, but it made James’ brain work overtime. And the words from Regulus’ mouth—they most definitely had a deep emotion hidden behind them, and James could almost feel it crushing his chest.

For a moment he stayed there, dead in his tracks on the school hallway, unable to move or think of anything else than Regulus. Suddenly James was longing to know more, needing to know and understand, because at the moment he felt so useless. He felt like there was something seriously bothering Regulus, not just his miserable excuse of a family, but something more that James wanted to know about very badly. He didn’t really care if it was weird or something for him to be interested in Regulus’ business like that—after all he was also Sirius’ little brother, though that sometimes managed to slip James’ mind, because the brothers were anything but close.

Still a bit befuddled and feeling strange, James raised his feet from the ground and began moving towards the 11A dorm. Regulus was still mindlessly spinning around in his head as well as the brief discussion and time spent with Lily. Wow, life really was odd and it was getting the best of James, throwing him into situations and lines of thought he had never been forced to face before.

Wow, just wow.

Chapter Text

Tuesday, February 24th, 1976

“Alright, then we’ve got group three,” Binns lectured with a voice so monotonous Marlene was sure she could have fallen asleep right there. “MacDonald, Fleming and Avery.”

Mary, who had been sitting next to Marlene, turned to look at her with a disgusted grimace on her face, which was completely fair. Avery was definitely one of the worst people in their history class to have to do a group project with and Sherry Fleming was the least interested in school work of all people. Marlene gave Mary an apologetic pat on the shoulder, trying to be as encouraging as possible. It turned out that she wasn’t very good at it.

“Then group four; Meadowes, Fields and McKinnon.”

When Marlene heard who was in her group, her mood was definitely lifted. Dorcas Meadowes and Taissa Fields were both in House Bridget, and Marlene reckoned they were nice enough. She didn’t really mind history as a subject, so the grade she would get wasn’t very valuable, but Marlene still liked to succeed gracefully in school—if not for her, then for her parents. They always worried that her future would be deemed to fail if she didn’t do well enough in school, which could sometimes be an exhausting supposition, but Marlene had learned to live with it. After all, she cared for her parents so deeply and didn’t want them to experience their child having to go through the same struggles they did.

After a short while when everybody in the class had gotten their assigned groups, students began organising into them, each taking their own table and space. Dorcas and Taissa had already been sitting next to each other so all Marlene had to do was to move a chair next to their desk.

“Hello,” Marlene greeted lightly, flashing a smile to the other girls. As she got a closer look at them, she noticed both of them were exceptionally pretty. Dorcas had dark, chocolate-like skin, her black hair was braided tightly and there was a heart-shaped silver necklace with a purple stone in the middle hanging above her chest. Taissa on the other hand was probably mixed—deducing from the brown skin tone, dark blue eyes and big, curly hair that definitely resembled Mary’s.

“Hey,” both of the House Bridget girls responded, almost simultaneously.

“Our subject was The Cold War, right?” Marlene ensured, taking a better position on her seat.

“Yeah,” Taissa replied with a smile. “More specifically the collapse of The Soviet Union and how it impacted the rest of Europe.”

“You’ve got a good memory,” Marlene chuckled and for a moment she was certain she had seen from the corner of her eye that Dorcas had rolled her eyes.

“Thanks,” Taissa said, dismissing Dorcas’ reaction, so Marlene decided to not pay any extra attention to it either. “I thought we’d start by telling what kind of part The Soviet Union played in The Second World War and go from that in a timeline sort of arrangement. That okay?”

Marlene didn’t have anything to protest about and she was just extremely glad someone was good at these kinds of things—coming up with ideas and ways to execute them effectively. “Yeah, I think that sounds good.”

“Agreed,” Dorcas responded after a while too. She really didn’t sound enthusiastic, but Marlene didn’t think a lot of it. She was quite certain there were only a handful of people in that class who actually enjoyed Binns’ history. That group of people included Lily, Remus and by the current impression, Taissa.

Slowly but successfully enough, the three girls started working on their project; Marlene took up reading all the vague information from their history book and telling it to Taissa who was the writer, and Dorcas checked all important details, like dates and names of people. The whole thing moved forward gracefully enough for Marlene to truly form a likeness for the subject of their project and also get to know her group partners more. They didn’t chitchat a lot or anything, but Taissa occasionally asked questions that Marlene answered happily. She learned that Taissa and Dorcas lived in the same dorm, which sort of explained the overly bitter expression that seemed to linger on Dorcas’ face at all times.

Moreover, the dark-skinned girl gave Marlene the impression that she didn’t particularly like history or the concept of having to do a group project. Dorcas did do her work, but she clearly wasn’t content about it. It also seemed like every single time Taissa opened her mouth to say something—regardless of whether it was about the project or personal life—a surly scowl took over Dorcas’ body. Marlene couldn’t be sure if it was the kind of ‘oh my God, you’re so annoying’-dormmate kind of thing Lily and Mary always had going on or if it was simply honest irritation. But for what it was worth, she didn’t really care.

Marlene, however, found Taissa very sweet and interesting and realised she really liked working with her. Taissa seemed like an easy-going person, she didn’t complain and talked to Marlene like she was genuinely curious of what Marlene had eaten for breakfast. Some people—Dorcas, a case in point—just weren’t like that, and Marlene wouldn’t say she hated them but she didn’t really like them either. It was important for her that a person was genuine, had good intentions and a kind nature. Marlene despised all kinds of hateful people who thought they were born on Earth just to bitch and complain about the downsides of life whereas they could enjoy all the small things and have a good time instead.

“So, you doing something today, Marlene?” Taissa asked in the midst of her writing a sentence that made Marlene raise her eyebrows slightly.

Was she doing anything today? Probably not, but then again, she could. “I really don’t know,” she decided to answer. “Could be. Depends, I guess.”

A heavy sigh left Dorcas’ lips and she cocked an eyebrow, but her eyes stayed glued to the book in front of her. It made Marlene’s frustration level rise from the previous—there was absolutely no reason for Dorcas to be acting like that; like she hated that the people she was doing a group project with talked.

“Something wrong?” Marlene questioned pointedly, knitting her brows together and giving a dirty look—which she knew was a bit mean—to Dorcas.

The other girl raised her eyes on Marlene's level, making her realise that they were probably the darkest shade of brown she had ever seen someone’s eyes be. “No. Keep working, McKinnon, I have other things to do in my free time than a bloody history group project.”

Marlene resisted the urge to roll her eyes extravagantly and settled on staring right through Dorcas. “Ah, I see. You're so much fun.”

Marlene didn't even know she had a mean side and was a little shocked by the words that had just slipped off of her tongue. It seemed like Taissa was quite surprised too, deducing by the look on her face and the fact that she had stopped scribbling just to glare at Marlene and Dorcas.

“Don't piss me off, McKinnon,” Dorcas said eventually, not sounding particularly threatening but there was a nuance of something in her voice that gave Marlene chills. Jesus.

“Fine,” she sighed after a while, trying to brush off the strange sensation Dorcas had caused her to feel. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“Yeah,” Taissa agreed quietly.

Dorcas was already back to reading the text on the pages spread out in front of her, seeming completely uninterested in the project, in Marlene and in Taissa.

The atmosphere had changed into a heavy one after that conversation, and it definitely hindered Marlene’s working abilities. She hated when stuff like this happened; it reminded her of the heated arguments Lily and Mary had on a weekly basis that always created a bad ambience in the dorm. That was usually a reason for Marlene to avoid going back to the dorm, trying to spend time in other ways, like going to the library to do homework or attend football training. She hadn’t done that too much lately either, and now Marlene was kind of missing the feeling of running around the football field, eyes fixed on the ball and adrenaline rushing through her veins. Perhaps she should go again some day in the near future.

The rest of the history project didn't slide as smoothly as the first half, but it got done in time, which was probably the most important thing. Binns took away everyone’s projects and after that all the students slowly began gathering their stuff and moving the chairs back into the right places. Marlene gave both Taissa and Dorcas a smile—though only Taissa acknowledged it—before she walked back to her and Mary’s desk, taking her school bag onto her shoulder and meeting up again with Mary who looked absolutely miserable.

“That was the most horrific history class I've ever had,” Mary stated and grimaced so infelicitously it made Marlene laugh a little. She still felt bad, though.

“Avery being an arsehole?”

“That too,” Mary said with a nod and another grossed out expression. “But what really threw me off was how that Fleming girl didn't do anything! I swear, you know I don’t care about school—she was somehow even worse.”

“Let’s not gossip here,” Marlene noted then as she noticed that some other girls from their year were clearly listening to their discussion.

“Oh shit, right!” Mary exclaimed like she had just realised they were still in the classroom full of other people their age. “But I’m still not done with my thing.”

Marlene sighed knowingly. “I know you're not—that's why we’re going to go to a private place to discuss these abnormally important things.”

“That's my girl,” Mary grinned and took Marlene in an arm lock as they began walking out of Binns’ classroom together.

On their way out, Marlene unintentionally locked eyes with Taissa who left with her own friends. It wasn't a bad thing though; in fact, Marlene looked very gladly in Taissa’s eyes. They were so vibrantly blue and beautiful altogether that she was sure hundreds of people had complimented those eyes before. Taissa also smiled at Marlene again, tilting her head slightly that made Marlene instantly smile back. Taissa was extremely beautiful, and she was also sweet—she was the kind of girl everyone liked and if they didn't, they just hated life.

Marlene definitely loved life at the moment.

***

Thursday, February 26th, 1976

It had been a few days since Marlene had first talked to Taissa, but they had already become quite good friends. Yesterday Taissa had sat with Marlene at dinner when Lily and Mary had skipped—in their defense, Mary had had a problem that had needed immediate attention and Marlene wasn't bitter—and then they had strolled around the school-building a bit in the evening. Marlene had shown the House Bridget girl the House Celestina common room as she had never been there before and then they had gone to the astronomy tower when it had gotten dark. Marlene had introduced Taissa to all the different stars and constellations she knew. There weren't a lot of them, but a good enough amount.

Then today when Marlene had joined the football practice after a good while of not playing, Taissa had wanted to come and watch. She had been sitting in the stands like Mary usually did, observing Marlene warm up and play. Every once in a while Taissa had shouted some words of encouragement that had warmed Marlene’s chest in a way that had made a permanent smile stick onto her face. It was still lingering there even though practice had ended a good while ago, and Marlene was now heading to dinner without Taissa. She had gone with her own friends which was completely fine.

When Marlene arrived at the great hall, she retrieved her food and fortunately found her friends pretty easily. Mary and Lily had apparently decided to sit with all the 11A dorm boys today, and Marlene joined them gladly.

“Where were you, Marls?” Lily asked almost immediately after Marlene had settled down.

“Football. I told you, didn’t I?” she responded, looking at her roommate questioningly.

“Ah, must’ve slipped my mind,” Lily retorted, shoving a spoonful of soup into her mouth.

“Lily’s fucking demented these days,” Mary snorted, making Lily give her an unappreciative look.

And just like that Sirius leaned in onto the conversation from Marlene’s left side, pressing uncomfortably close to her side (Sirius had absolutely no idea what personal space was and that you were meant to respect it). “Sounds awfully lot like our Jamie-James here who forgot that he was supposed to go to McGonagall’s office this morning so now he’s got-”

“Sod off, Pads!” James interrupted with an offended-sounding yelp, making Marlene raise her eyebrows.

“Could I eat in peace?”

“Er, no,” Sirius replied, pretending like he was actually thinking about it for a moment. “So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so James has detention today because he forgot and then another meeting tomorrow morning—seven o’clock, sharp!”

James groaned like he was in pain. “Why do you always need to embarrass me? Please, embarrass either Moony or Wormy next time, I don’t care which one, just not me!”

“Have you four ever tried to just live peacefully?” Lily questioned like she was genuinely interested.

Sirius shrugged. “That’d be boring.”

“Remind me again why I’m still choosing to be friends with you,” Remus murmured from his place and Peter nodded in agreement.

“My question exactly.”

Marlene snorted, finally being able to eat something without someone distracting her. “I’m so glad I don't share a dorm with Sirius.”

“Oh my God! What is it—national ‘let's all insult Sirius’-day?”

“Yes,” Remus responded instantly, making Sirius probably kick him under the table, deducing by the grimace that formed onto Remus’ face.

“So, Marls,” Mary said then, shifting her eyes to Marlene's, indicating that she was probably changing the topic of conversation, “How’s Taissa? Y’know, you've been spending an awful lot of time with her.”

Marlene didn't know what to think of Mary’s question; not when the curly haired girl was batting her eyelashes like that and the smile on her lips felt anything but genuine.

“What's wrong with you?” Marlene asked bluntly but not rudely, making one of the boys choke onto his soup (she didn't look who it actually was, but deep in her heart, she knew it was James).

“Mary’s just jealous you’re spending more time with Taissa than her,” Lily piped up, and Mary sent a glare into her direction that definitely meant Lily was supposed to stay quiet.

“No,” Mary stated. “I just wanna know about this Taissa.”

“Sure you do,” Sirius chuckled from Marlene's other side, making her want to headbutt him.

God, why was everyone so bloody annoying today?

“Taissa’s alright,” Marlene finally said, trying her best to sound normal and not like she could’ve murdered everyone at the table. “She's nice and she listens to me.”

Something in Mary’s expression changed, and she began looking more irked by the moment. “Are you implying that I don’t listen to you?”

“Oh, here we go,” Lily sighed, hanging her head low. Remus, who was sitting on her other side, patted her on the shoulder supportively.

“When did I say that?”

“You didn't, but you clearly wanted to.”

Mary definitely wasn't in a good mood to begin with today, and Marlene was too tired to start arguing with her. She rarely argued with Mary anyway—it was mostly Lily and Mary who had these pointless screaming matches about either the boys Mary brought to the dorm or the studying Lily wanted to do that Mary was disturbing. The arguments between the 7B dorm girls, however, were never about things like this. Mary didn't and shouldn't get mad that Marlene had another friend. Hell, she should be bloody ecstatic.

“I don’t have the energy for this,” Marlene huffed after a while and took it as a challenge to eat the rest of her dinner as fast as he could.

The rest of the table had gone quiet, and Mary was now staring at Marlene incessantly. “Fine. Neither do I.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

As Marlene kept shoving soup into her mouth fast-pacedly, she could feel the irritation inside her start to burn. There was absolutely zero reason for Mary to be such a bitch about Marlene making another friend—especially when it was a girl like Taissa. In fact, yesterday Taissa had told Marlene how she thought both Mary and Lily seemed so nice and she would like to get to know them too. And then here was Mary, being bloody hostile and mean towards a girl she had barely talked to before. It just annoyed Marlene so much, because she didn't understand why the hell Mary would act like that.

When Marlene eventually finished her dinner, everyone else except Mary had fallen into a calmer discussion about school, so it was an easy decision for her to simply stand up and leave. Marlene could sort it out later with Mary—now she just wanted out of her immediate presence. She returned her dishes into the school kitchen and then continued to walk around aimlessly. It seemed like the majority of the students had already eaten and were off to either their dorms or other activities since the hallways were pretty quiet. Marlene enjoyed it, though; she liked silence.

The tranquility always reminded her of home, but not necessarily in a bad way. Marlene had made memories in that silent house where only she had been at while both of her parents had worked two jobs to make a living for a five person household and her brothers had been out with their friends. On most days, Marlene had come home from school around three and she would make herself a snack, sit on the couch and read a comic, a book or magazines. She had always liked how serene the house was without all the chaos her family brought with them.

As Marlene's thoughts quickly became consumed by her childhood and family, her feet simply managed to walk themselves up onto the third floor where the school telephone was located. Marlene had called once after Christmas, but that was pretty much it. It's not like she didn't want to talk to her parents, it was just that she rarely did anymore. They had grown apart, caused by Marlene going to a boarding school literally for 10 months out of the 12 that were in a year.

Hesitantly, Marlene glanced at the phone and decided to pick it up as she dialed the familiar number into it. There was a time this would have been an everyday occurrence for her, but throughout the last two and a half years Marlene had been at Hogwarts, calling had slowly become more and more inconsistent. She regretted it a bit, but her parents weren't very good at keeping in contact either. Therefore the breath Marlene took before bringing the phone to her ear was slightly lighter than she had expected it to be.

“Cześć, kto tam?” the overly familiar asked from the other side of the line, making Marlene's stomach do all kinds of flips. Her mum must have been waiting for a call from their Polish relatives, because nowadays she always answered the phone in English.

“Hey, mum,” Marlene greeted, trying to sound as collected as possible.

“Oh, moja Katerzyna!” her mother exclaimed, clearly content about the call. She had always preferred calling Marlene by her middle name—or Marlena, since that was first of all her real name.

“How have you been, mum?” Marlene questioned, something warm growing in her chest. It felt like the small argument with Mary was immediately swept away and all Marlene could focus on was her mother's endearing voice.

“We have be great!” she replied in a thick accent and Marlene resisted the urge to correct her mother's time tense usage.

“That's amazing,” Marlene told her mum. “Has Damien been visiting?”

A brief silence.

“I’m sorry, no,” her mother answered truthfully, making Marlene's mood slightly less happy. She hadn’t had a proper talk with Damien since last summer, because he hadn’t come back to Nottingham for Christmas. He now had a girlfriend—no, he had a bride to be and they lived together in Glasgow.

“That's alright,” Marlene said. “Were you at the hospital today, mum?”

“Ah, yes! We had this patient today—very rude, but I set him straight and told him I will not treat him when he is so rude.”

Marlene chuckled. “Sounds like you.”

Her mother worked as a nurse currently and the job was apparently treating her well so far. They didn't care at the hospital that she didn't speak perfect English, which Marlene could be only grateful for. Usually work places avoided hiring her parents simply because they spoke in broken English and were first generation immigrants.

“Yes. We are going to a restaurant to eat tomorrow with your father,” her mum continued. “He says he books a great place in downtown—it's Italian!”

“Sounds great,” Marlene stated, truly happy for her parents. “Is Tomasz doing okay?” she asked then, not even sure why.

“Yes, definitely! But he is out now, I’m sorry,” Marlene's mum apologised like she was accountable which she definitely wasn't.

“No, no, it's okay. We haven't spoken much anyway, you know that.”

A long sigh from the other side of the telephone. “Yes, I know. I think you should talk with him—Tomasz is such a man now that he can't see how you feel. He is stupid like this.”

Marlene couldn’t help the laugh she uttered at that. “Oh, mum, I wish it was that simple. Just say that I wish well for him.”

“I will, I will.”

Marlene hadn’t truly had a proper talk with Tomasz for a year and she knew she probably wouldn't for a long time either. They had grown apart so much during Marlene's teenage years that she didn't even know how to act around him anymore. Tomasz wasn’t a bad person; he was just clueless of how you were supposed to treat your little sister, who hadn’t found her place in the world yet.

“Is school doing alright, darling?” Marlene's mum inquired after a while.

“Yeah,” she replied, sounding more upset than she had intended to. “I've been keeping up my grades and I think I'll do well enough on my exams in May.”

“That is amazing to hear!” her mother celebrated, making a smile involuntarily climb onto Marlene's lips. The one thing that always managed to make her happy was that her parents were content.

“Yes, it is.”

A short period of silence occurred again, and Marlene let out a sigh that could be interpreted as both, wistful and fed up.

“Well, I need to cook dinner for me and Jan—he will be starving when he comes to home,” her mum explained, making Marlene smile slightly. “Yeah, that's a great idea.”

“Yes, yes. You will call at least one time before Easter, yes?”

That made Marlene frown. She really wasn't calling her parents nearly as often as she should be. “Yeah, I promise I will.”

“That is good, dear,” her mother hummed, clearly pleased with Marlene's answer. “Take care of yourself and focus on school, yes?”

“Definitely,” Marlene agreed. “I'll talk to you soon, mum.”

“Yes. Goodbye, Katarzyna!”

“Bye, mama.”

Then the line went dead, Marlene closed her eyes for a moment and listened to the tranquility humming in her ears before daring to put the phone back to its place. The hallway was still eerily quiet and it seemed like no one else was around. It was a strange feeling, but Marlene realised she quite liked it. Sometimes she simply yearned for peace and silence because living in a small dorm room with Mary and Lily could be overwhelming.

A little relieved and also a little anxious, Marlene began walking around again. She didn't direct her steps anywhere—she let the wind take her wherever it pleased the best. Hogwarts was full of beautiful places you could only find when you weren't specifically looking for them. Marlene was pretty certain that she had once found a hidden classroom from the fourth floor and then when she had tried to seek it again, she had failed. It was like the room had vanished entirely and a wall had appeared onto its place.

Hogwarts really was a strange school.

***

Marlene didn't know what time it was anymore. Her best guess was that it was somewhere around curfew and she shouldn't be wandering in the school-building anymore.

Well, Marlene wasn’t exactly wandering at the moment; she had found the place she hadn’t been looking for. Somehow Marlene had ended up on the fifth floor where there were only the stairs leading to the astronomy tower, one classroom and the teacher’s lounge—or, turns out, there was also a whole hidden hallway. Marlene had accidentally opened some secret door right behind the astronomy tower stairs and ended up in this long, a bit chilly hallway filled with paintings and most definitely drafty windows. She had picked a place at the window at the end of the hallway that was basically a dead end, and was now sitting at the windowsill.

Marlene wouldn't say she was hiding, but she wasn’t exactly looking for the company of her friends either at the moment. There was just something about the disagreement with Mary at dinner that had made Marlene more agitated than usual and she didn't want to return to the dorm all prickly and irritated, practically asking Mary to analyse the reason for her annoyance, making Marlene feel worse. And then the phone call with her mum; it was a complicated thing—family always was. Marlene simply felt bad that she wasn’t good at keeping in contact with her parents even though they had basically built a life for her. They had done all that she could have ever asked for and even more. If her parents hadn’t decided to leave Poland with their three young kids all those years ago, Marlene wouldn't have all these opportunities and chances she had now.

Right when Marlene let a deep huff escape her mouth, the door to the hallway opened and she was staggered to see someone else in this exact place. However, when Marlene's eyes found their way to the hallway entrance, she was even more surprised.

“Taissa?” she called out confusedly.

“Oh my God, here you are!” the girl whom Marlene recognised now to be clearly Taissa exclaimed and began walking towards where Marlene was sitting.

“You’ve been looking for me?” she asked, still confused, when Taissa was in the immediate hearing capacity.

“Yes!” she answered, voice high, making Marlene laugh a little. Taissa stopped in her tracks right in front of Marlene, not leaving that much space between them.

“Sorry about that,” Marlene said, feeling a little guilty. Here she was, hiding from everyone and everything, not telling them about her whereabouts.

“Nah, it's alright,” Taissa replied, gesturing with her hand. Then she took another look at Marlene, apparently deducing that Marlene wasn't about to stand up soon so she sat next to her. “You okay, tho?”

Marlene glanced at Taissa, unsure what she was supposed to say. Telling the entire truth would definitely be too much, telling that she was okay would be just straight up lying and telling that she wasn’t alright but not the reason for it would sound like she was being rude.

“I don’t know,” Marlene finally responded, shrugging. “Mary said some things, I got upset, then I called my mum and now I feel weird.”

Taissa nodded slowly, her hand sliding slightly closer to Marlene's own. “I’m sorry about that. What did Mary say?”

Marlene let out an unnecessarily long sigh, closing her eyes for a moment. She could feel Taissa’s proximity like the flames now and it sure was a strange feeling. Marlene couldn’t think straight—all of her thoughts got tangled with each other and not a single coherent sentence could be formed inside of her head.

“She's jealous that I’m spending time with you,” Marlene eventually revealed, not knowing what kind of reaction to expect from Taissa.

“She can feel jealous all she wants, but you're both mine and her friend.”

At that Marlene raised her eyes on Taissa’s level. The House Bridget girl was sitting so close to her, Marlene could distinguish all the different shades of blue and pigmentation in her eyes. There was a little green in them too.

“You have pretty eyes.” The words had slipped out of Marlene's mouth before she even realised it. However, Taissa just chuckled and her expression softened.

“Thank you,” she replied. “You are pretty.”

Just like that, Marlene froze. She could feel her cheeks flushing and heat swiping all over her body. Marlene was quite certain no one else, except for her mother, Mary and Lily, had ever called her pretty like that. And Taissa did it so genuinely—looked Marlene in the eye and smiled profoundly while saying those words.

“No one’s ever said it to me like that before,” Marlene confessed, still a little startled.

“That's a damn shame,” Taissa commented, suddenly taking Marlene's hand into her own, tracing her thumb over it comfortingly. “You deserve to hear it every single day, Marlene.”

An even darker shade of pink took hold of Marlene's cheeks now, making her feel all squirmy and strange. It felt like her stomach was doing backflips that she hadn’t consented to.

“Why’re you telling me all these nice things?” Marlene asked, not really thinking what she was saying.

“Someone needs to,” Taissa answered almost instantly.

Marlene had absolutely no idea what to say, her stomach was doing backflips again and it felt like something was crawling on her back, trying to make her react in some way. But what was the most shocking to her was Taissa’s softened eyes, slightly parted lips and the endearing expression on her face while she was glaring at Marlene. Nobody—she meant it, nobody—had ever looked at her like that, and it was a real strange sensation.

And right when Marlene thought she could finally utter something even slightly coherent, something so unexpected and startling happened, and she froze completely. Slowly but surely, Taissa’s other hand found its place on Marlene's face, ring finger exploring the shape of her lips gently while her other hand was still intertwined with Marlene's. Eyes falling wide open, Marlene saw how Taissa glanced at her lips like she was starving and not even a second later their lips had crashed together like a violent, loud thunderstorm.

Oh my God.

The three words spun around Marlene's head like the end credits of a movie as her eyes closed naturally and she could feel the shape of Taissa’s plump, soft lips against her own. For a while Marlene was so stunned she could hardly realise what was going on, but as she did, she began moving her lips in a way that she thought you were supposed to do, opening them up a bit, giving Taissa space to kiss her deeper.

Oh my God.

Marlene was kissing Taissa. Marlene could feel Taissa’s hand on her jawline. Marlene was kissing Taissa.

Wait. Marlene was kissing Taissa.

Oh my God.

As guilt and shock took over, Marlene's entire body stopped moving, her mind went blank and she understood what had just truly happened.

No no no no no no no.

Quickly Marlene pulled herself away from Taissa, sitting up from the windowsill, unlocking their hands and nearly stumbling over her own feet. When she eventually dared to open her eyes to the full extent, she saw Taissa staring straight at her—not happy, not startled, not sad, not anything.

“Fuck, I– I shouldn't do that, I really shouldn't,” Marlene managed after a moment, placing her hand over her mouth loosely, looking at Taissa with wide eyes. But gosh, she was so beautiful.

Marlene wanted to drown herself. Drown herself in either deathly water or Taissa.

“Did I do something wrong?” Taissa’s question sounded so innocent and small that Marlene started to feel horrible.

1 Timothy 1:9-10.

“No, no,” Marlene immediately denied. She denied, denied, denied.

No, no, no.

“I did. I shouldn't– I shouldn't do that again. Ever.”

1 Timothy 1:9-10.

Now Taissa looked like her whole existence had been destroyed. “But you… You liked it, didn't you?”

“…the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers… for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality…”

Marlene wanted to vanish into thin air, disappear completely from the face of Earth and pretend to be someone entirely else. There's just was no fucking way—and mind you, Marlene never swore. “No, I didn't.”

The lie came easily, and Marlene could see Taissa crumbling in front of her eyes, and fuck, that hurt. Hurt possibly more than the words of her priest piercing through her head, making Marlene feel sick to her stomach.

She couldn’t be, right?

“Stop lying to me and yourself, Marlene,” Taissa finally scoffed, voice unstable and obviously on the verge of tears as she stood up fastly. “We’ll talk again when you’ve resolved this mess,” she continued, pointing at Marlene's head with her eyes.

Then—before Marlene could reach in any way—Taissa had disappeared; left Marlene alone; walked out on her. And she couldn't be blamed, because this, this was a fucking mess.

Oh my God.

A prayer would not help, and neither would self-pity.

Marlene had liked the kiss.

Chapter Text

Friday, March 5th, 1976

“Prongs, would you shut the hell up?!” Sirius hissed through his teeth. “This is a serious issue!”

“So now I’m the one accountable?” James asked bitterly.

“He has a point,” Peter piped up, making Sirius roll his eyes.

“Agreed. You were the one who yelped so loud I thought the whole school would wake up,” Remus added.

“Seriously, it won’t be my fault if Filch catches us,” Sirius defended with a scoff, directing his steps quietly down the stairwell to the second floor.

It was way past curfew—maybe around eleven o’clock—but the 11A dorm boys had realised they had a colossal problem: they had no booze whatsoever stored for Remus’ birthday that was next week. It would fall on Wednesday, but that definitely didn't mean they wouldn't celebrate it. Therefore now the four boys were trying to sneak into the Hogwarts kitchen as quietly as possible to try and steal some alcohol (they used it in some foods, right?).

“Yeah, right,” Peter snorted, a bit too loud for Sirius’ liking. “It mostly would be your fault if we’re allowed to compare this to all the previous incidents.”

“I’m a changed man, Pete, don't you worry about it.”

“God, that sounded really stupid,” James laughed, making Remus let out an amused huff too.

Sirius eyed him sharply. “You're mean, Potter—nobody gives you enough credit for that.”

Despite all the bickering and echoing footsteps, the boys managed to reach the second floor successfully, which meant one more to go until they would arrive at their destination. Sirius wasn’t usually so stressed out about sneaking around like this, but ever since all the recent rule-breakings at this school, Dumbledore and McGonagall had intensified the stakeout past curfew, made all detentions entirely silent and have the teacher supervise more explicitly what students did during the class. And who could be blamed for that? Remus and James; those two were practically running around the school, assaulting other students, whereas Sirius was completely innocent.

Just as Sirius was about to snarkily remind Remus and James of why they had to be so bloody careful about sneaking into the school kitchen in the first place, something else stole his—as well as everybody else’s—attention, making him jump back slightly. Sirius was about to turn around a corner in the hallway right when two figures practically stumbled into him, making him take a few steps backwards and let out a yelp of surprise.

“Sirius?”

And of course, because who else it would be, Sirius heard Mary’s voice and as he took a better look, he could distinguish Mary pretty well in the dark. There was also Marlene, her hand over her mouth, clearly stopping a laugh from escaping there.

“What the heck are you doing here?” James asked in turn as he apparently recognised the girls too.

“Who is it?” Peter whispered quietly, clearly only to Remus.

“Mary and Marlene. Idiot.”

“Er, so, funny story,” Mary started and giggled, making Marlene shush her, only for both of the girls bursting out in silent laughter.

Sirius eyed James, trying to signal him the sentence ‘what the fuck is going on’.

“It's really not funny,” Marlene said in between laughter, leaning forward dangerously, looking like she could fall over at any given moment.

“Geez, I really wanna know now,” Sirius retorted sarcastically. “Can you two keep it down, you're gonna get us all into detention for weeks.”

“As if you give a single shit about detention,” Remus snorted behind Sirius, making him give Remus a dirty look.

“Sod off, Moony.”

“Okay, so,” Mary finally started when she could stop laughing, stretching out her words and gesturing with her hands (which made Sirius realise she was heavily under the influence), “we were on our way to his House Gellert party, and–”

“There's a party in House Gellert?” James interrupted, sounding genuinely interested.

“No, they were on their way to a party that doesn't exist,” Sirius replied, making Marlene snort perilously loud.

“Yes, there is a party in House Gellert,” Mary answered truthfully, but glanced at Sirius amusedly. “But the thing is that we didn't get in, and–”

“No, that's not how it goes,” Marlene cut in. “I would’ve gotten in, but you weren't allowed inside, so we had to leave and–”

“Bloody hell, MacDonald, what’d you do with that Deacon guy you dated?” Sirius questioned, not being able to stay serious.

“I didn't do anything!” Mary defended with a sigh, making Marlene chuckle.

“Sure you didn't. So, anyway, as we had to leave we thought we should just go and egg his window then, but–”

“We never really settled on that, did we?”

“Yes we did! You just said we should go and fetch the eggs.”

“You’re on your way to the kitchen?” James inquired rather eagerly, making Remus groan quietly and Sirius let out an entertained huff.

“No, we–”

“Yes, we are!” Marlene responded for Mary, who Sirius could see rolled her eyes.

“Perfect! So are we!” James exclaimed, clearly happy about making accomplices for the journey.

“Oh dear,” Remus murmured.

For once Sirius agreed with him. Drunk Mary was another type of trouble—she was lousy, noisy and careless—and he deduced that Marlene wasn't that much better either. And the previous conversation only pointed in the same direction as Sirius’ line of thought on this matter.

The way to the kitchen continued, and Sirius could tell that Mary’s and Marlene's presence made it inevitably louder. He didn't usually complain about their company, but tonight he did. Sirius hated being around drunk people when he was sober—he was nothing but aware that he was even worse than the girls when he had had too much to drink, but he really despised the feeling of being sober around people who had drunk. James wasn't like that; in fact, it seemed like he was having very much fun with the tipsy pair of girls, cracking jokes and laughing about stupid stuff with them. Remus and Peter stayed quiet, which Sirius was grateful for even though he didn't voice it out loud.

When the group arrived at the kitchen, which they surprisingly managed to do without anyone seeing them, they walked right in. Sirius had been there with James a couple of times before; it was a large space as you could imagine, filled with coolers, ovens and all kinds of equipment you needed when cooking or baking. It was only assumable that nobody was in the school kitchen at this hour, but Peter still checked the back of the room just in case.

“So, where’s the booze?” Mary was the first one to speak as Peter returned with a nod, her words slurring together.

“Don't you think you’ve already had enough?” Marlene asked, sounding rather baffled.

That made James snort. “Not for Mary, for us.”

Marlene's face twisted into utter confusion. “Why d’you four need booze if you're not even going to a party?”

“Are you a goldfish?” Sirius returned the question with a respectful tone of voice, making Mary laugh uncontrollably—so uncontrollably she practically fell into Remus’ arms who seemed both staggered and annoyed by it.

“No, I'm Marlene.”

“Yes, and I'm Sirius. Let's raid the cabinets.”

Marlene was too out of her mind to do anything sensible so she just stood there, staring at Sirius, James and Peter who began digging through the kitchen cabinets like their life depended on it. Remus was left in an awkward position with the drunken Mary, who would probably fall and hit her head somewhere if he let go.

“Hey, I've got something!” Peter quipped after a while of raiding the kitchen.

“What is it?” James asked.

After a moment Peter pulled out a bottle of vodka that was only half full, but it was probably the best they would find.

“Y’know, my stepmum uses vodka in all her sauces,” Mary suddenly informed, making everyone turn to look at her.

“Amazing,” Remus muttered and patted her hand.

“Yes, it is! Especially in tomato sauces! I know the effect of the real alcohol, like, dissolves in the heat, but still it's a good addition to…”

As Mary began rambling about her stepmother’s cooking, Sirius decided to tune it out and turned to face Peter. “Isn't there anything else in there?”

“How’re we supposed to survive with half a bottle!” James complained in turn, shaking his head.

“Well…” Peter trailed off, bringing his hands deeper into the cabinet in front of him, clearly trying to find some more alcohol. “I think there's more somewhere in here. Wait a sec.”

After a while Peter pulled out two more bottles, making James sigh in relief and Sirius feel immense happiness about their whole sneaking out journey. “Amazing, Pete!”

“My life has been saved,” James whispered dramatically, bringing his hand over his chest.

“Yeah, great thing,” Remus said hastily, making Sirius remember that the two drunk girls were still there with them. “I think we should get the hell out.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius responded. “Just let me get some mixers first.”

And so he did get the mixers—some soda and orange juice from the coolers and cocoa powder for James, who was weird enough to use cold hot chocolate as a mixer, which was so fucking gross in Sirius’ opinion.

When he had gathered all the essentials and everybody else was also ready to leave, they began the way back to the dorms as carefully as possible. Peter had two bottles in his hands, Remus one, Marlene was barely able to understand what was going on, and James was now walking Mary out like she was incompetent (which she honestly was at the moment). Sirius had the urge to stop and think about how stupid the whole situation was, but he didn't do that, because then he would end up laughing out loud and the chances of Filch finding them would increase quite drastically.

Sirius was used to doing stupid shit with his dormmates and it wasn't like this was the first time they had snuck into the kitchen in the middle of the night, but the absolute chaos that could possibly happen made him regret every one of his life choices. The fact that Mary and Marlene were utterly smashed, both slurring out unclear words way too loudly didn't make the situation any better either, and Sirius wondered why they had let them accompany them in the first place. Oh, right, they had been on their way to get some eggs to have some House Gellert boy’s window egged, but now it seemed like that idea had been forgotten. If someone asked Sirius, that was definitely a good thing—no matter how much he would have loved to participate in the window-egging.

When there was only one case of stairs left to climb, Sirius could practically see everything escalating in front of his eyes. Remus, Peter and Marlene were already halfway through the stairwell, when James suddenly took a step too short, attempting to set his foot on the next stair but instead he hit his toes straight into the wood, making him stumble forwards. And that was all it took for a loud thud to echo through the whole floor—and for James Potter to fall flat on his face up the stairs.

“Oh my God!” Mary gasped, slapping both of her hands over her mouth.

Sirius was completely frozen, but he couldn’t help the laugh he eventually let out, also covering his mouth after that. “Jesus, James!”

Remus, Peter and Marlene all spun around to see what had happened, and not long after all of them had a distraught look on their faces. Marlene's jaw even fell open and Peter let out a scared whine.

“Oh shit!” James cried out after a while, trying to rise onto his feet, which clearly wasn’t very easy. He was holding onto his face and let out a loud groan.

“Fucking hell,” Remus finally murmured and was the first one to move; he shoved a whiskey bottle into Marlene's hands and went to help James get up—it would’ve actually been a hilarious sighting if James wasn't in so much pain.

When Remus had eventually managed to haul James up with everyone else’s eyes fixed onto them, James raised his head and stared right at Remus like he was Jesus Christ himself.

“Dear heavens… Marilyn Monroe?”

What?

James’ absolutely confusing words were followed by a long silence which was eventually broken by Mary, who burst out in obnoxious laughter. Not long after, everybody else was also laughing and the only ones who weren't were James and Remus who were still staring at one another.

“Did you just call Moony Marilyn Monroe?” Sirius wheezed, holding his stomach that hurt because he was laughing so hard.

“Oh my God, I can totally see why!” Peter added, cackling.

Sirius could also hear Mary saying something in the lines of ‘I can't wait to tell Lily about this!’.

Remus seemed absolutely bewildered, and James just looked around cluelessly, removing his hand from his face. “I think I hit my head.”

“Clearly,” Sirius clarified, suppressing his laughter when he noticed James’ nose was drippling blood.

“Prongs, I think you broke your nose,” Remus deadpanned with a monotonous voice.

Another reason for Sirius to break into another fit of laughter. He really should be quiet, but if they got caught, the blame couldn’t solely be put on him since Marlene and Mary were both still giggling without a pause.

“I think so too,” James managed in a while, looking down to his bloody hand and then up to Remus. “I really thought you were Marilyn Monroe for a moment.”

“Bloody hell,” Remus muttered, shaking his head like he loathed the whole situation which he probably did. “We should really go or we’ll get our asses seriously busted.”

From between laughter Sirius nodded, trying to make himself stop. “Yeah, yeah, totally.”

Peter was wiping tears off of his cheeks, and Mary and Marlene were now leaning onto each other, quietly chuckling. James could now stand properly, though his nose was bleeding everywhere and Remus looked more irritated than ever before.

“I hate you all,” Remus declared after a while, giving a sharp pointed glance to Sirius.

“I know you do, Marilyn.”

Just like that, the loud laughter took hold of everyone else except Remus again, making even James cackle.

They really should be asleep by now—not howling in the hallways way past curfew with a huge risk of Filch finding them.

“M’gonna murder every one of you in your sleep.”

“Sure you are, Marilyn.”

***

Saturday, March 6th, 1976

Sirius’ head hurt and he was pretty sure that the reason for it was last night's adventure. Despite the fact that the 11A dorm boys and Mary and Marlene had all gotten safely to their dorms without anyone discovering them, Sirius felt quite horrible about the whole journey. The main cause was James’ broken nose though, because the idiot was so bloody clumsy that he couldn’t climb the stairs without falling over, and he also didn't know how to stop nosebleeds—which meant that all four boys had stayed up past two, nursing James’ nose which still looked nasty. It was visibly broken and there really was no question whether it needed professional care, but how would you explain this to anyone let alone Madam Pomfrey?

“Now I know how Barty Crouch feels,” James muttered, frowning, as he shoved cereal into his mouth, wincing slightly when the spoon accidentally brushed his nose.

“You know, I got my nose broken once too,” Peter commented, probably trying to give peer support. “I think I was nine and Lorelei hit me in the face with a croquet mallet.”

Sirius snorted, trying not to let any water spill out of his mouth. “I’m so gonna hold that against you.”

Peter sighed, clearly annoyed. “You're such a prick.”

“I know, right?” Remus murmured, widening his eyes momentarily and taking a bite out of his toast.

“Oi, you're one to talk, Marilyn!” Sirius rebuked.

Remus groaned loudly, his face twisting into pure annoyance. “Could you drop that already?”

“It's only been, what—ten hours ?” Sirius pointed out teasingly.

“Hello? Why’re you all completely ignoring my pain?” James interrupted like he was offended, waving his spoon right in front of Sirius’ face.

“We’re not ignoring it—we’ve already acknowledged it a million times.”

“Besides, if it's really that bad you should go to Pomfrey’s to get it check–” Remus started but James cut him off with a swing of his hand.

“Absolutely not.”

“You could always just tell her that you stumbled in our dorm,” Peter pointed out, looking like he really didn't know why James was so hellbent on not going to the hospital wing. In fact, Sirius wasn’t so sure either.

“But then I’ll look like an idiot!” James whined.

“I think you lost your credibility the moment you dislocated your elbow by hitting Crouch,” Sirius snorted, making Remus hum in agreement and James glance at him helplessly.

“I still have credibility.”

“Sure you do.”

Then a brief silence set over—maybe because James was so offended by what Sirius had just said, or because all three of the 7B dorm girls had just walked by their table. Mary and Marlene, who had joined the nightly journey, looked rather terrible and exhausted—probably partly because of the enormous hangover they most definitely were having—but Lily seemed completely calm and collected. What was funny though, was that when she spared a short glance at James, she looked like she could burst out laughing. Sirius strongly suspected that Mary and Marlene had told the priceless truth of why James’ nose was red and slightly crooked.

“Am I crazy or did she just look at me like she could start laughing?” James asked with a terrified grimace, proving Sirius of his suspicions.

“Totally,” he replied with a grin.

“At least she looked at you,” Peter pointed out, which made James turn to look at him eyes wide and expression changing into something wounded.

“You're all messing with me, right?”

Sirius, Peter and Remus all nodded synchronised. “Yeah.”

James shook his head, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Y’know, that's just– That's so mean!”

“Well, you really can't blame us since you were the one falling up—not even down, but up—the stairs last night when we were supposed to be all quiet and…” Sirius began talking loudly, slowly trailing off in caution as he noticed who was approaching their table.

Now clearly coming into the direction of the four 11A dorm boys, McGonagall was marching determinedly from the front of the great hall where the teachers had their own place. She had her hair in that classic, tight bun, her clothes looked carefully ironed and there was almost a scary expression on her face which the sharp, angular eyeglasses weren't helping at all. Even though Sirius classified himself as being in quite friendly terms with McGonagall, she was still indimitating as fuck, to be completely honest.

“Good morning, boys,” she greeted coolly, glaring pointedly into James’ direction, probably because of his exceptionally strange-looking nose.

“Mornin’,” Sirius responded with a grin, trying to bring McGonagall’s attention away from James, which didn't succeed very well. It didn't help at all that James was a terrible liar, and he could absolutely not keep on a poker face.

“Potter, what's wrong with your nose?” McGonagall inquired directly, keeping her eyes fixed on James who began blushing and squirming on his seat.

Sirius exchanged worried glances with both Remus and Peter that signaled the sentence ‘we’re all gonna die’.

“Erm…” James equivocated, shooting a panicked peep at Sirius who simply shrugged, trying to tell James with his eyes to make up something sensible. But because James Potter was arguably a bloody muppet, he did not get the hint. “So, er… there's nothing wrong with my nose, really. Or, like, hey, erm… yesterday, yes, yesterday! So, like, yesterday I sort of, er, tripped onto something in our dorm and then, umm… Peter! He accidentally hit me in the head with a frying pan!”

“I’m sorry I did what?” Peter yelled immediately, obviously riled up by James’ excuse.

It just made Sirius try not to laugh, and Remus held his breath like he was trying to keep his face unreadable.

“Don't you remember?” James tried to ensure, grimacing, and definitely unsure.

Oh my God. Sirius wanted to laugh so badly.

Peter looked at him like he was insane. “No! Why can't you ever make up a reasonable story?!”

And right there, if not before which Sirius strongly suspected she already had, the whole lie was blown off and McGonagall realised there was absolutely no truth behind James’ words. Right there Sirius also hung his head low and let the laughter out, trying to distinguish it as a cough which didn't work out very well.

“Mr. Potter, I fear you need to go to the hospital wing immediately,” McGonagall finally stated, face deadpan and voice demanding. “I also fear that I'll be seeing not only Potter but all four of you in detention, starting next Monday at six o’clock.”

“You bitch!” Peter let out a noisy shout aimed directly at James that surprised literally everyone—yes, Sirius most of all—making the entirety of the great hall fall dead silent.

Sirius covered his mouth, desperately trying not to start crying of laughter whereas Remus closed his eyes and looked like he wanted to vanish into thin air once again, James seemed rather distraught by Peter’s reaction and McGonagall pursed her lips in a thin white line. “You get an extra day for that, Mr. Pettigrew.”

And after that, McGonagall simply walked out of their immediate presence, probably saving herself from a civil war. For a while all four boys stared at each other (Remus had opened his eyes) and waited until all the students in the great hall started minding their own business again, not paying any attention to the 11A dorm boys’ scene.

Sirius was the first to break; he doubled over, holding his stomach and let out the howling laughter he had been holding in for way too long now. It echoed off the walls, and Sirius sounded utterly mad. “That was fucking hilarious!”

“I need a vacation from you three,” Remus muttered, definitely fed up with his life.

“James just earned us all a week of detention!” Peter exclaimed, clearly still shocked and angry. That made Sirius cry out like a wild animal—he had never seen Peter somad.

“I broke my nose!” James defended, flailing his hands in the air.

“And you couldn't make up an even remotely reasonable story of how you broke your nose?!”

“Well, no!”

Sirius could not stop laughing for the life of him and eventually Remus who was sitting across him began breaking character, his lips twisting into a stupid smile. James and Peter were too in the middle of an argument to laugh, but Sirius knew they would all have a good time with this later.

“You're so– so dim!”

“Thank you, Pete, thank you very much! I wonder why you didn't try and make up a story then, huh?”

“She was talking to you!”

“You could’ve interrupted literally at any given moment!”

“I’m not the one who broke his stupid nose!”

“It's not broken—it's just a little crooked!”

“Oh, so you're also delusional!”

***

Monday, March 8th, 1976

Detention was just wonderful. Sirius had gotten used to the utter boredom he felt every time he was forced to sit in a quiet classroom with nothing to do, but tonight was simply terrible. McGonagall’s detentions were always the worst, but now that Sirius was sitting in the same room with all of his three closest friends with so much to say but not being able to, he wanted to slam his head against the desk in front of him. McGonagall had allowed them to do school work but as Sirius rarely did his anyway, he didn't have much to concentrate on other than the walls caving him in.

And what pissed Sirius off the most was that if James hadn’t: 1. fallen up the stairs or 2. entirely butchered at making up a decent lie about how he broke his nose, they wouldn't be here. Now it was also officially confirmed by Madam Pomfrey that yes, James’ nose was actually broken—not just ‘slightly crooked’ or ‘a little sore’ as James would have called it. And to be completely honest, every time Sirius glanced into James’ direction, he felt the urge to burst out laughing. If the reason for his nose being permanently weird-shaped would be falling up the stairs, Sirius would never let it go.

Sighing heavily, Sirius sank further down in his seat and began tapping the edge of his chair with his fingers, trying to mimic the ticking noise the clock made when the second changed. He could be doing something so much more interesting at the moment, but instead he was stuck here. Great. Usually Sirius didn't complain about detention—usually it was also his own fault he was sitting there—but this time he could have easily slipped out of it. Besides, the 11A dorm boys hadn’t had a proper chance to go to the music classroom to play or anything simply because every single evening for the past two months, at least one of them had been in detention. The reasons were varying and mostly stupid, and Sirius was bitter that the time he could be putting into embracing his dreams, he was spending in detention with bloody McGonagall.

The whole band-thing seemed to be a little stuck, anyway. Remus had switched into music and Sirius had gotten a chance to practice more with him, which was obviously amazing. It would just be more convenient if James and Peter had the time to practice too, but they rarely did. Now that James’ elbow was healed again, he spent most of his free time at the football field, and Peter was either at his chess club, hanging out with Camila or studying. Who the hell needed studying when there could be a band?

Right when Sirius thought he would die of boredom soon and began considering throwing paper balls towards either his friends or McGonagall, the door to the classroom opened. To Sirius’ definite surprise, he saw his younger brother standing in the doorway, aiming his gaze towards McGonagall but unquestionably having noticed Sirius and his friends.

“Hello, Mr. Black,” McGonagall greeted, lifting her glasses and sparing a look at both Regulus and Sirius. “What are you doing here, Regulus?”

Sirius could practically feel all of his dormmates’ eyes burning holes into him. He wanted to disappear.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you about our assignment? The writing course you gave to all the year 10’s,” Regulus explained and Sirius suppressed the loud huff that was about to escape his mouth.

“Ah, that,” McGonagall said surprisingly softly, standing up from her desk. “We can talk in the hallway.”

Then Regulus hurried out of the doorway like it was a disgrace to even be in Sirius’ vicinity, and McGonagall followed him close behind, fixing her glasses for the second time. Before she exited the classroom, she shot a sharp look into the 11A dorm boys’ direction. “You four stay completely silent—the door isn’t made of soundproof metal.”

After a while the door shut close and Sirius finally let the huff out, turning around on his chair to face James, Peter and Remus. “Why’s my brother talking to McGonagall about a writing assignment? It's not like he can’t bloody write—we were basically raised to perform exceptionally at school.”

James shrugged, completely unfazed. “Maybe he just wants advice.”

Sirius felt the urge to let out the loudest laugh known to mankind. “Ha! Nice joke, Prongs, but Reggie doesn't ask for help or advice.”

“Don't be an arse—he definitely didn't walk in here to talk to McGonagall just to spite you if that's what you're afraid of,” Remus scoffed, making Sirius glare at him, truly offended.

“And what are you implying?”

Remus sighed, putting down the pen he had in his hands, looking straight at Sirius. “Get your head out of the gutter and try to realise your brother’s a person too.”

Huh?

Sirius had never been so bloody confused, and it seemed like neither had James or Peter.

“And what do you think you know about me or Reggie?”

“I’m just saying you shouldn't be a dick,” Remus explained quite directly, making Sirius raise his eyebrows.

“I’m not the one being a dick.”

“Well neither is Regulus.”

“Can you two stop? I get scared when you argue,” Peter asked just loud enough for Sirius to hear it but dismiss his words entirely.

“Mind your own business, Lupin,” Sirius sneered, eyes still locked with Remus’.

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. Bastard.”

This time it was James who let out an infuriated sigh, but by the time he was about to speak up, the door to McGonagall’s classroom opened again and Sirius spun around on his seat. Remus probably got back to his bloody school work again and James was forced to stay quiet as McGonagall stepped back into their presence. It seemed like Regulus had already disappeared as there was no sign of him. Wonderful, Sirius thought. Why was Regulus literally intervening with his life without doing anything for it?

Sirius couldn’t truly help but feel annoyance towards his brother, because why the hell were his closest friends acting like they knew all about Sirius’ and Regulus’ relationship? There was definitely no reason for Remus to be so worked up about how Sirius talked about Regulus when they had literally never spoken to one another—or at least Sirius supposed they hadn’t. He just hated how Regulus, who was hardly a part of his life at this point, always seemed to weasel his way in though neither of them really wanted it. There was a mutual understanding between Sirius and Regulus about one thing: they were brothers—therefore they would always love and care about each other, but they certainly didn't need to like one another or be involved in each other’s business so intensively.

Sirius would have liked his friends to understand that too; maybe then they wouldn't be so investigated in his and Regulus’ sibling-relations. There really wasn't that much to it, anyway.

Bloody hell, Sirius thought to himself. What was he supposed to do for the next thirty minutes with literally no distractions? He just really wanted to get out and be free to escape somewhere to hide from the heavy gazes of his dormmates. Perhaps he could hit up Mary. Or Emmeline. Or Cassidy. Yes, Cassidy would be a good choice—she was interested in Sirius, but not so much she would want a full-blown serious relationship with him.

At that moment Sirius decided the rest of his Monday would be dedicated to snogging Cassidy and not lingering in his stupid fucking feelings right under his friends’ keen eyes.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, March 10th, 1976

Sixteen didn't feel any different from fifteen. Remus did not get the fuss birthdays caused—everyone had to be born at one point, so what exactly was the point of celebrating that. Someone might have called Remus a mood killer for being so miserable about his own birthday, but the fact was, there was nothing more miserable than March 10th spent with James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew.

Approximately at five thirty, when not even the sun had risen yet, Remus had been woken up by an obnoxiously loud cover of ‘Happy Birthday to You’ that James and Peter had sung in synchronization, and Sirius had accompanied with his electric guitar. Remus only had two words to say about that: terrible and ear-splitting. After that it had obviously been time to give presents, which Remus wasn’t usually very jolly about either. Regardless, he had faced some positive surprises, like the guitar pick from Sirius, a warm-looking jumper from James (Euphemia Potter), and chocolate from Peter. Remus was very grateful for the gifts, but he didn't like the whole gift-giving-concept where you had to buy something for another person to show them how you care about them. Or perhaps Remus was just feeling exceptionally grumpy today.

If he was being honest though, there were a hundred valid reasons for him to be grumpy at the moment. The most reasonable of them all was the pink, decorated birthday hat made of paper which apparently James had created that all of Remus’ dormmates had forced him to wear. It was ugly and it was colourful and Remus couldn’t wait for the moment he could unnoticeably take it off of his head and trash it. There was absolutely no need for him to wear a bloody birthday hat; James and Sirius had already made sure that every person at Hogwarts knew it was Remus’ birthday.

“Cheer up, Moony!” James encouraged joyously, patting Remus on the back. “Eat some scrambled eggs and I promise your day will be awesome!”

“You’ve got big promises,” Remus scoffed.

“That's because I know they’ll be fulfilled!”

“Don't spoil it, Prongs,” Sirius complained, huffing loudly.

“I didn't even say anything!”

Remus decided not to voice it out loud but he already knew how this day was going to go, step by step. Therefore there really was nothing to spoil and another reason for Remus to dread his birthday—they would be practicing underage drinking once again, this time on a Wednesday, and on tomorrow morning they would all go to class extremely hungover. The teenage dream, truly.

And as one could have very much expected, it just kept getting better; Remus noticed the group of three familiar girls approaching the table, each having a wide smile plastered on their faces. He wanted to slam his head against the table, but because Remus still had a sense of what he was and wasn't supposed to do, he simply smiled back.

“Happy birthday, Rem!” Lily was the first to screech out those words, leaning in for a hug that Remus was practically forced to return.

“So, how does it feel being sixteen?” Mary asked with a smirk as she and Lily sat between Remus and Sirius.

“The same as fifteen.”

“That's a stupid question anyway,” Marlene stated, sitting in front of Remus and flashing him an understanding smile. Remus decided that the least horrible person to be around today was Marlene.

“Exactly,” he agreed.

Mary rolled her eyes. “Just say that you're boring and get it over with.”

“I bet you’ll feel a drastic difference when you wake up being 16 instead of 15 yourself,” Sirius bickered playfully, nudging Mary’s side.

Peter rolled his eyes extravagantly, making Remus let out an almost unnoticeable snort. James seemed like he wasn't aware that the world around him and Lily still existed, and Lily had clearly noticed the way James’ eyes were fixed on her.

“You know what, I'll take that as a challenge,” Mary responded, turning back to face Remus. “We have a gift, by the way.”

“Mary! It was supposed to be a surprise!” Lily gasped out loud like she was actually super offended. When Remus thought about it, she probably was.

“Don't worry. Those three can't do surprises either,” Remus murmured, eyeing his dormmates pointedly.

“And guess who’s surprised—no one,” Marlene said, making James squint his eyes at her.

“I’m gonna kick you off the team, McKinnon,” he threatened in the kindest way anyone had ever delivered a threat.

“Have a try. I’m not even on the team, Potter.”

“Uh, yes, you are.”

Marlene’s face softened, and Remus felt like this should be another conversation for another day. “James, I can't be on the team. You know that, right?”

James actually frowned and now everyone was looking at him. “What if I asked McGonagall to put you on the team?”

“You seriously think she's gonna let that slide?” Marlene asked doubtfully.

“Why wouldn't she?”

“Because I’m a girl, James. Girls don’t play football—that's what McGonagall told me when I asked about it two years ago.”

A brief silence set over and it seemed like everybody at the table was exchanging glances with varying meanings. Remus truly felt bad for Marlene, because if someone, she deserved a spot at the football team and her gender shouldn't be a problem. Remus also noticed how James’ positive and encouraging attitude towards the subject had caught Lily’s attention and she was now smiling gently at him.

“I definitely think it's worth a try,” Lily finally said, breaking the tranquility.

James perked up visibly, his eyes lighting up and a wide grin replacing his previous frown. “Exactly! It won’t hurt if we try!”

Marlene threw a strange glance into Lily’s direction, but she seemed to surrender to the idea. “Okay, we can try.”

“That's my girl,” James mused happily, patting Marlene on the shoulder and continuing eating his breakfast.

“I love seeing you all get along,” Mary said suddenly, looking at all the other people at the table with dreamy eyes.

Remus raised his eyebrows. “We do get along.”

“Let’s be honest here, Moony,” Sirius cut in with a grin, “We do get along but not like this; it's always either an argument between me and you, Lily and James, or Mary and Lily.”

“Or you and anyone else at the table,” Peter murmured so quietly that Sirius didn't hear it (fortunately).

“Maybe Remus’ birthday is a magic day!” Mary exclaimed, her eyes beaming.

“Oh, Jesus, I hope not.”

Marlene let out a laugh. “I love having a summer birthday.”

Remus grimaced at her helplessly.

And just to obviously make the morning gradually even worse, Remus could hear another pair of footsteps right behind him. This time he didn't really have a clue who it would be, though.

“Hey, Remus!” The voice belonged to a girl and when Remus turned around, he recognised Lorelei Pettigrew and a blonde boy at her side. Remus sent a confused look into Peter’s direction who just looked like someone had pissed into his morning cereal.

“I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday,” Lorelei continued with a sweet smile and tilted her head, her light hair falling slightly over her face.

Remus tried to smile back but he feared his expression resembled more a scowl. “Er, thanks, Lorelei.”

“You’re welcome!” she quipped contently, placing her hand on Remus’ shoulder momentarily, and then turning around with the boy—supposedly her boyfriend—before walking away.

“Why did my sister wish you a happy birthday?” Peter asked, sounding quite offended.

Remus stared at him feebly. “As if I would know.”

“Everybody likes Remus,” Mary piped up, her face still strangely dreamy.

“What's wrong with you, MacDonald?” Marlene questioned amusedly, probably noticing Mary’s odd behaviour too. “Did you smoke weed for breakfast?”

A trail of milk spluttered out of James’ mouth when he laughed whilst eating, making Remus groan out of disgust. “Learn how to eat, Potter!”

That led to everyone except Remus and James to giggle uncontrollably—even Peter, who still seemed bitter about the fact that his sister had wished Remus a happy birthday.

What a great morning, Remus thought, entirely unamused. He just knew this day would be the perfect mixture of a terrible horror film and a romance book too sappy. Wonderful.

***

Remus was done with all of his classes for today and he was so bloody glad about it that there truly were no words to describe it with. First he had sat through history which hadn’t been so bad as James and Sirius had kept their mouths shut. But in music class—which Remus had grown to like very much, by the way—Sirius had requested Mr. Hearst that they would serenade ‘Happy Birthday to You’ for Remus’ sake. And it wasn't like Sirius, James and Peter hadn’t already done that, and Remus had to sit through another absolutely horrible moment dedicated to his birthday.

Because Sirius had embarrassed Remus so grandly, he had skipped the entire lunch and then reluctantly sat through English literature and Spanish, his last classes of the day. When the clock had hit three and the final lesson had finished, Remus had spurted out of the room as quickly as possible. He was also avoiding returning to the dorm, because his dormmates would very possibly be waiting for him there, ready to drag Remus into another stupid activity. Therefore he had somehow managed to wander into the vicinity of the school telephone again. It felt almost like it was calling Remus’ name, begging him to call.

So he did.

Without thinking much about it, Remus dialed the familiar number into the telephone, pressed the call-button and raised the phone to his ear. He leaned against the cold wall and listened to the ringing for a while, staring out of the window in front of him. Spring was coming and the snow was melting off the ground, leaving it moist and colourless. It was getting a little warmer again, but the school work was piling up too.

“Hello?”

Remus nearly jumped out of his skin when somebody picked up the phone. “Hi! It's Remus.”

“Oh, my dear Remus!” Yeah, it was definitely Lizzie he was talking to. No doubt whatsoever there.

“Yeah, hi Lizzie,” he responded, a bit amused by her excitement.

“Oh my God, happy birthday, sweetie! I nearly forgot today was your special day!” Lizzie exclaimed, and Remus couldn’t help but smile so widely his cheeks began aching.

“Thanks, Liz.”

“Dear, how’ve you been? It’s been so long since we’ve had a proper talk!” Lizzie was fussing over the phone and Remus could almost see the worried wrinkles that always appeared onto her face when she got concerned.

“I've been great, actually,” he answered, not even lying. Remus truly thought he was doing well at the moment. “Just that the exams will be in a few months again.”

“That's wonderful to hear,” Lizzie said, clearly fond that Remus was happy. “And I’m sure you’ll excel in those!”

“Er, we’ll see ‘bout that,” Remus responded, scratching the back of his head. He wasn't that sure about that. Anyhow, it didn't matter so much—the final exams this year weren't yet the A-levels.

“Hey, Johnny’s here too and says he wishes you a happy birthday,” Lizzie told, her voice practically radiating happiness, and Remus could hear Johnny saying something to Lizzie and laughing lowly on the other side of the line.

“Say thanks to him,” Remus said, smiling slightly.

“Yeah, I did,” Lizzie replied after a while. “He said if you don't come back for Easter you’ll never get your gift,” she delivered the message, but only seemed to realise what her husband had just said a few moments later: “Johnny! That's terrible!”

Remus chuckled lightly. “I’m not offended, don't worry.”

“Oh, you should be,” Lizzie sighed. “He's being mean.”

“Maybe you should spank him.”

“Artemius Deveraux Carell!”

Remus had a hunch of what was happening at the Carell house right now and he was laughing by himself as Lizzie scolded Art for saying such ‘inappropriate’ things. And what made the whole thing better was Art’s stupid middle name that never failed to crack Remus up.

“I’m so sorry about that, sweetheart,” Lizzie apologised after a short while of nobody talking directly to Remus. “Art really should better his manners—that boy is a menace!”

“Yeah, can't disagree there,” Remus chuckled.

“Well, he wants to talk to you,” Lizzie huffed then. “You’ll come back for Easter though, right? I won’t have to wait till summer to see your handsome face again, dear?”

Remus smiled. “Yes, I'm coming to London for Easter.”

“Amazing! Have fun at school while you still can!”

Then Lizzie and Art clearly switched places and all Remus could hear for a while was nebulous rattling. A few year 8 girls also walked past him, heads close together, giggling about probably something extremely unfunny.

“Lupin, we meet again!” Art eventually yelled into the phone, making Remus truly jump back.

“Y’know, we’re actually not meeting at the moment,” he commented.

“Oi, sod off! And wipe off that poshy accent, makes ya sound annoyin’!”

“And you think you don't sound annoying?”

“Are you tryin’ to piss me off, Lupin?” Art questioned and Remus could hear it in his voice that there was a huge grin on his face.

“Definitely not,” he replied with an equally stupid grin.

“Yeah, yeah, bullshit,” Art laughed it off. “You remember the pretty bird I told ya ‘bout in autumn?”

Remus furrowed his brows. “No.”

Art scoffed. “And you're s’posed to be smart and shit?”

Now it was Remus who scoffed.

“So, anyways, saw her in autumn in the pub I told ya ‘bout, and your negative arse told me I’d never see her again. Well, guess what, Lupin—I found her!”

“Erm, great?” Remus responded, a bit confused by the story.

“Fuck off, anybody ever tell you how bad of a listener you are?” Art asked in all seriousness.

“No?” Remus offered.

“Well, now I am: you're a shit listener, Lupin.”

“Thanks,” he said amusedly. “It's my birthday after all, innit?”

Art snorted. “What, you want me to sing to ya?”

“Absolutely not,” Remus answered in an instant.

“That's what I thought.”

A silence set over and Remus glanced at his feet. He was swinging one of them slowly back and forth.

“Where’s Magnolia?” Remus dared to inquire after a moment.

“Well, wouldn't you like to know?” Art teased, making Remus groan.

“Seriously, Art.”

The older boy uttered a laugh. “Out with some guy called Javi—don't worry, they’ve not been shagging as long as m’aware.”

Ah, yes, Javi. Remus knew all about him; he was the one who sold Magnolia stuff. Still, Remus couldn’t help but feel that a part of him filled up with jealousy.

“I’m not worried,” he just replied, making Art snort again.

“Sure you ain’t.”

Then another moment of silence set over, and Remus didn't know what else to say.

“I gotta go now, mate. See you in a few weeks, eh?” Art fortunately said first.

“Yeah, yeah,” Remus agreed. “Good talking to you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Remus smiled slightly. “See you, Carell.”

“See ya, Lupin!”

Wistfully Remus set the phone back to its place and let out a long sigh. He would have really liked talking to Magnolia, but nothing to do about that now. Besides, Lizzie, Johnny and Art had definitely uplifted his mood and Remus was excited to return back to London for Easter now. He hadn’t really talked with Magnolia since Christmas and that was strange. Usually they didn't go this long without speaking to each other, and Remus was quite lost on what he was supposed to be doing and feeling.

As Remus decided that he still wasn't prepared enough to return to the 11A dorm, he began strolling around the hallways again—no, actually he took the greenhouse as a place of destination. Remus hadn’t been there in quite some time again, the last time being when he had punched Crouch and caused himself a week’s worth of miserable detention. The odds that his usual greenhouse companion would happen to be there too were slim, but Remus was feeling particularly hopeful. He rarely did, so maybe there was something special in the air. At least the air outside felt strangely warm as Remus had been suffering from the cold of the winter months now for a time that felt like an eternity.

There wasn't any green in the plants and trees outside yet, but Remus could still notice the upcoming spring. Some parts of the ground was still covered in snow and frost and it was so icy Remus nearly slipped a few times, but the wind was warmer. That caused him to feel less bloody suicidal; Remus hated winter, like actually loathed it. There was absolutely no reason for it to get so cold during that part of the year.

When Remus reached the greenhouse after some time, he just ungraciously stumbled in, accidentally slamming the door into a wall. Oops. Only when he took a better look around the space filled with all kinds of different plants did Remus notice that his usual companion in fact was there. A smile climbed onto his lips as he saw Regulus sitting behind the lilac flower again, this time with a book on his lap and a confused look on his face.

“Hello, Regulus,” Remus greeted casually and made his way to sit next to the year 10 boy who cast a weird look towards him.

“Hello, Remus,” Regulus responded flatly, perhaps a little questioningly.

Remus simply smiled to himself and once again dug a singular fag and a lighter out of his trouser pockets. “What’re you reading?” he asked offhandedly while lighting the cigarette between his lips.

It seemed like Regulus was gauging him for some time with his eyes before answering. “The Odyssey.”

Remus couldn’t help but feel a bit surprised, turning to look at Regulus with his eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he replied, proving it by shoving the book into Remus’ hands who just took an inspective look at the cover before returning the book.

“That's cool,” he said. “I've been meaning to read it for some time but never quite got there.”

“I can see that.”

Remus enjoyed how the tone of Regulus’ voice was changing into a less hostile one and he had a look in his eyes that didn't resemble the words ‘I’m gonna murder you in your sleep’ anymore.

“How d’you like it so far?” Remus inquired next, blowing the cigarette smoke away from Regulus respectfully. It had been previously proven that the younger boy didn't enjoy smoking nor anything related to it.

“It's okay,” Regulus said bluntly, like he didn't know how to answer the question.

“Okay, let me rephrase that; what are some elements you like and don’t about the book?”

Regulus blinked, watching Remus with an expression that told him absolutely nothing, until: “I like how it portrays loyalty. And I like Odysseus—he's intelligent and cunning and I think those are good traits for a protagonist.”

Remus nodded approvingly. “Sounds promising. Now I think I have to read it.”

For a short moment he thought Regulus’ lips were twitching into a smile, but then again, that must have been a pure hallucination.

“Yeah. I don’t really know if there's something I don’t like about the book.”

Remus nodded again. “Good for you.”

Then a mutual understanding silence took over, leaving Remus to smoking the fag peacefully until it was too ashy to hold and Regulus to whatever he had been doing before Remus had came in, because he clearly hadn’t been reading. Remus had a feeling that Regulus was the kind of person to simply sit in silence and stare at the wall, thinking all of his thoughts until they all would eventually vanish. Perhaps he had that feeling because he was also that kind of person.

“It's my birthday, by the way,” Remus noted after some time, making Regulus glare at him, eyebrows knitted together.

“I’m not gonna wish you happy fucking birthday if that's what you're hoping for.”

“Great. I’m not.”

“Good.”

Then tranquility set over them again and Remus lit another cigarette between his lips. This time Regulus reopened ‘The Odyssey’ and obviously began reading. He was already on page 348 which was nearing the end, and Remus had the urge to lean over just enough to see what the words on the paper spelled. He didn't do that though, because the truth was Remus had really been supposed to read that exact book for some time now and he didn't want to ruin the experience. And another truth was that if Remus had been leaning too closely over Regulus, he would have probably been murdered. There was something murderous radiating from Regulus today, just like every other day. And Remus was not saying that as a negative thing—he was simply saying.

Regulus Black was an odd person and there was nothing wrong with it; Remus thought he himself wasn't entirely normal either. Normal was like James or Peter, not Sirius either but he was certainly more adapted to the world than Regulus or Remus. The younger Black brother was reserved and for what Remus knew there was no one on this planet who was inside of Regulus’ little bubble with him. It wasn't a bad thing, just a thing—again. Remus admitted that he had his own bubble too, but he let some people in it from time to time, for example Magnolia and his dormmates.

Remus didn't know how much time truly passed in silence where he chainsmoked almost a whole pack and Regulus read over thirty pages, but it didn't matter. He liked the relaxing feeling it brought, and it wasn't awkward or anything, which was kind of weird but Remus accepted it gladly. He knew the rest of his day would be anything but relaxing.

Perhaps ‘pure chaos’ was the wording he was looking for.

***

It indeed was pure chaos.

Mary and Lily were swinging back and forth, hand in hand in the beat of ABBA, both singing obnoxiously loudly. Marlene had her hands covering her eyes, and Peter was sitting next to her, dying of laughter. James and Sirius looked horrified by Mary’s and Lily’s performance—Sirius most definitely because he hated ABBA, and James because Lily looked so lively and absolutely gorgeous. Remus himself was slouching against Marlene's bed, a bottle of whiskey in hand and an inevitable smile on his face. He still didn't like birthdays, but this was a special occasion.

“What happened to our love? It used to be so good

So when you're near me, darling, can't you hear me S.O.S?”

When the chorus occurred again, Lily and Mary made imaginary microphones out of their hands, leaning closer together and singing into them loud and clear. It looked fucking ridiculous, but Remus couldn’t help the exhilirated grin on his face. He had never seen Lily throw herself into something like that, but it was refreshing to witness. The alcohol in her blood might have also had a part in it, but whatever.

“And the love you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S.
When you're gone, how can I ever try to go on?”

The song slowly faded out but it felt like the singing of Mary and Lily only got louder, making Remus chuckle. It was sweet, actually. Even when the two girls collapsed onto Mary’s bed after the song, both breathing heavily, Lily’s cheeks a bright red colour and Mary’s lipstick smudged all over her mouth.

“You two should consider a career in performing.” Sirius was the first to speak, a wide smirk on his face.

“Fuck off,” Mary replied out of breath but laughed right after. She was glaring at Sirius in a sickeningly sweet way that made Remus want to disappear in the wind.

“Marls, why’re you still covering your eyes?” Lily’s amused question interrupted Remus’ line of thought and he turned to look at Marlene who was still in fact covering her eyes with her hands.

Marlene let out a sound somewhere between a giggle and a painful groan. “Because James’s got a massive hard-on from your dancing and singing!”

Remus let out an inappropriate snort, sinking further down on where he was sitting as he noticed that James really did have a painfully obvious hard-on. Everyone else, except of course James and Lily, were howling of laughter now—Sirius louder than them all.

“Marlene, I hate you!” James wailed, burying his face in his hands and trying to snuggle behind Sirius to hide from everybody. Sirius, however, was laughing so uncontrollably he couldn’t stay put in one place and was swinging around like a madman.

“That's fucking hilarious, Prongs!”

“Oh my God, I’m gonna cry!” Mary giggled, wiping the tears off with her sleeves.

“I’m so gonna make fun of you,” Remus commented in turn, making James glance at him, unquestionably mortified.

“I hate you all!”

More laughter, and Lily’s face getting even redder than before.

“Is it gone now?” Marlene questioned after a while when everyone was able to calm down a bit.

“You think it's still there if six people are laughing at it?” James rebuked, his expression distraught.

“You never know,” Marlene grinned, finally uncovering her eyes.

James shook his head and finally moved out from behind Sirius who was still silently cackling. “I’m cancelling my words—you're not on the team anymore, McKinnon.”

“Never was in the first place,” she whistled back carelessly, making James squint his eyes at her.

A brief silence set over, but obviously it didn't last very long.

“I’m mortified,” Lily finally spoke up, her eyes glued to the wall.

Mary began laughing again, tapping Lily on the shoulder gently. “Oh God, have you not ever seen a hard-on before?”

“No! Why would I have?”

“Because literally everyone has!” Mary giggled, making James seem extremely humiliated again.

“Can we please drop this? I’ll do anything!” he practically begged, making Sirius, Remus and Peter share an overly amused glance.

“Fine!” Sirius exclaimed, surprisingly content. “It's Moony’s birthday after all, so why don’t we focus on him instead?!”

Remus groaned, throwing his head back. “God no!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Peter insisted. “We have to distract Lily from James’ dick!”

Lily’s hand flew over her face and James closed his eyes in shame whereas Mary, Marlene and Sirius fell back into mutual laughter.

“Pete, have I ever told you how unbearable you get when you're drunk?” Remus then asked politely, raising his eyebrows at him.

“No, but thanks for the observation.”

“Okay, now that we’re all aware Wormy can be an idiot too,” Sirius started with a huge grin covering his lips, “Moony, give us a speech.”

“Oh, that one you're never gonna get!” Remus responded in an instant.

For a moment Sirius looked disappointed by the statement but then he seemed to realise something fantastic, because his whole face lit up with excitement. “Hey, Mary, what's that game where you tell two truths and a lie and others try to guess what the lie is?”

Remus did not have a good feeling about this.

“It's literally called two truths and a lie,” Mary answered with an amused smirk.

“Yes, makes sense,” Sirius muttered to himself drunkenly, turning then to face Remus. “So, here are the rules: you're gonna tell us two truths and a lie and we’re gonna guess!”

Great.

“Aren't we all supposed to do that in turn, like, really?” Marlene cut in, eyebrows raised.

“Technically,” Mary replied.

“I don’t really care,” Sirius commented with a dismissive swing of his hand.

“We can do that another time!” James added, making Remus grunt sufferingly. “Now it's time for the Moony-version!”

“I don’t like any of you,” Remus declared, pointing his finger at Sirius, then James and Mary. “You're all evil.”

“We’re waiting,” was all Sirius whistled back, annoying Remus immensely.

“Fine,” he eventually gave up, “but you can all go fuck yourselves.”

That response only earned some more sniggering from Sirius’ and James’ direction and laughing from Mary’s and Marlene's. Peter and Lily were respectful enough, but Remus still reckoned they were only hiding the evil schadenfreude better than the others. Seriously, why were all of Remus’ friends such sly snakes? And the silence that had formed after his recent words made the situation feel like a bloody betrayal.

“Okay, I think I’ve got ‘em now,” Remus decided to finalise his giving up by announcing.

Sirius immediately cheered up. “Shoot!”

Remus squinted his eyes at Sirius before speaking. “Alright, one: I've done acid and fallen asleep into the bathtub ‘cause I thought the cute unicorns would be there. Two: I stole a chocolate bar and the cashier guy chased me for about two kilometres before he gave up. Three: I live at home.”

By the expressions on everyone’s faces, Remus deduced he had either said something really stupid or funny, because there was absolutely no way his friends were so taken aback by those things.

“Okay, wait, no–” Sirius was the first to talk, but he cut his own sentence short.

“I would’ve never thought you to be the type to like cute unicorns,” James then said, making quite literally everyone laugh. Except for Remus, because he actually didn't even like unicorns. They were technically horses, and Remus had gotten kicked by one as a child—it was fine though, he was fine, thank you very much.

“Okay, can we stop for a moment, because the third one has to obviously be true,” Lily quipped after she was done with laughing.

Oh, boy, Remus thought as an ironic smile appeared onto his face.

“Yeah, yeah,” Marlene agreed, “so either one or two is a lie.”

“Oh my God, it has to be two!” Sirius shouted with a chuckle. “You can not run two kilometres—mark my words.”

Remus just scowled at his dormmate. He could in fact run two kilometres over a chocolate bar when he really put his mind to it (a proven point, by the way).

“But why would a cashier chase him for two whole kilometres though?” Lily reasoned.

“Yeah!” James piped up, looking at Lily like she was the Queen of England, which she most definitely was in James’ eyes.

“Okay, but unicorns?” Peter changed the topic and snorted.

“Unicorns are unicorns, Peter—they have to be true,” Mary said with a wide grin.

“Okay, so the public vote decides number two is a lie!” Sirius announced like it was a mutual input, which it definitely wasn’t.

Remus simply shook his head and took a sip out of the whiskey bottle in his hands that he had nearly forgotten was still there. “You're wrong,” he informed blankly.

“No I’m not!” Sirius yelled instantly, seeming truly offended. Remus rolled his eyes at him.

“How can you lie about unicorns!” Mary wailed in turn, a sarcastically devastated look on her face.

What Remus’ friends didn't know was that the lie had been all along the one they had immediately crossed off as the truth. It really shouldn't be so funny—especially when the topic was what it was—but Remus couldn’t let the laugh that escaped his mouth.

“Okay but can we stop for a moment and discuss why you've stolen a chocolate bar and ran away from the cashier?” Lily reasonably asked, making Remus purse his lips.

“Er, no.”

“C’mon, give us something,” James encouraged.

“Yeah, I’m listening,” Marlene added.

And as if on purpose, Sirius took all the attention off of Remus by quickly rising up from his place and sprinting to the toilet of the 7B dorm. Remus thanked the Gods for Sirius’ tendency to get extremely sick from drinking, because tonight it came very handy. He actually hated the fact that every single time alcohol was involved, Sirius ended up camping in the toilet, but this time it was for Remus’ benefit, because not only was Sirius in another room, but he also needed someone to hold his hair up while retching his brains out (the petty bastard, truly).

“M’gonna go help him,” Remus declared before standing up to walk to the toilet. He probably looked way too happy than what was appropriate for the situation, but honestly whatever—it would save him from the experience of trying to explain the chocolate bar story.

As Remus stepped into the toilet, mindlessly closing the door behind him, he heard the conversation behind his back start again in a normal, drunken manner. Sirius was already kneeling over the toilet, vomiting in full motion as Remus reached his side and wordlessly took his dormmate's long, black hair into his hands to keep it away from his face. The bathtub was just at the perfect spot for Remus to be able to sit on the edge, eyes wandering around the space as he didn't really want to watch Sirius puke.

The girls’ toilet was noticeably way more organised than what Remus was used to, and there were all kinds of beauty products scattered around the space. Remus definitely didn’t know how the girls used their sink when the edges of it were full of different bottles and tubes. He definitely didn't know either why someone would need so fucking much stuff to keep oneself pretty or whatever. Remus brushed his teeth and washed his face with water, and that was pretty much it.

“You just wanted an excuse to get out, didn't you?” Sirius’ sudden question surprised Remus a bit as he realised that the other boy had momentarily stopped retching.

“Yeah,” Remus admitted in defeat. “And you needed someone to hold your hair. Prude.”

Sirius just laughed, sitting down onto the floor. His face was pale, and his eyes were closed. There were a few sweat drops shining on his forehead, but that still didn't change the fact that Sirius was one of the most beautiful people in the world. Even when utterly drunk, puking on the bloody toilet floor with his hair held up by Remus.

“I didn't know you've done acid,” Sirius croaked out after a while, eyes still closed.

Remus froze. “What d’you mean?”

Did Sirius know? Because it was either that or then he was a fucking huge moron, which Remus unfortunately had to admit Sirius would never able to be.

“I meant what I said,” Sirius simply replied, voice a bit weak. Remus could hear all their friends talking on the other side of the door, but he put all of his focus onto Sirius.

“You're a strange fucking idiot,” he huffed in response, shaking his head. Remus didn't know how Sirius was aware of this or why he hadn’t tried to talk to Remus about it.

“Îmi pasă de tine și mie, băiat frumos,” Sirius said, confusing Remus to the limit. He was quite certain the language was Romanian, but Remus had absolutely no clue what Sirius had just said to him.

And he didn't get a chance to ask either, because the next thing Sirius did was crouch over the toilet and vomit pretty severely.

Jesus Christ.

Remus still had Sirius’ hair in his hands as he was forced to listen to the continuous gagging and puking, mind full of questions. He was a hundred percent certain he had never, even in the slightest, mentioned that he wasn't living at home to Sirius, let alone anyone else. The only people that knew of Remus’ living situation were himself and the people he lived with—the Carells. There just was no way of Sirius knowing something like that unless Remus had told him and completely forgotten about it. That was quite unlikely, though, since Remus’ memory rarely betrayed him.

What was also very possible was that Sirius was in such a bad state of intoxication that he didn't even know what was coming out of his mouth anymore. That would explain the Romanian too, because Remus never heard him speak it otherwise. Still, thoughts were spinning around Remus’ head like race cars and he helplessly wondered how, what and when.

Sirius was confusing. He was confusing Remus, and it took a whole lot of self-control to not acknowledge it out loud. Remus liked to think he had a decent amount of self-control, but perhaps that wasn't the truth.

After all, he was his mother's son.