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Chapter Text

The Captain loved the afterlife, just a little bit. 

Everyone was so much more chilled out and relaxed, nobody was injured because you were cured after you moved on. Pat didn't have his arrow, Humphrey was now in one piece, Thomas didn't have a seeping wound, Kitty wasn't constantly poisoned all the time it was great. They were now so much happier with their existence because it was a paradise in the afterlife. 

It was like if the "real world" was fair. There wasn't any jobs needed because everything was free, there wasn't a hierarchy because there was no one wanting to be in charge. There weren't "laws" as such because there wasn't a government but there didn't need to be, everyone had just got on with being a decent human being as they had enough of the injustice in life so there wasn't an importance to criminalise certain things. 

It was just common knowledge. 

The Captain was currently having his morning cup of tea in the kitchen, it had been a few weeks since he arrived and he still had to get used to some things like, for example, being able to eat and drink again, or hold things that weren't his swagger stick. Of course he did the same things even when he moved on because he knew that. He went for his morning run at six am, much to Anthony's dismay, which took him till seven am. After this, The Captain would make his cup of brick red and one sugared tea whilst reading his chosen book, a fantasy novel named Yonderland. 

So far it was a fever dream but he was very much enjoying it. 

He decided to read for an hour a day, which today let him read around 3 chapters. Usually by now Anthony woke up, greeting him with a handsome smile. Speaking of which, he must have not recognised the time because the love of his life waltzed into the kitchen, wrapping his distractingly toned forearms around him and resting his head upon The Captain's. 

"Good morning sweetheart, sleep well?" 

The Captain chuckled "I think I should be asking you that Anthony, dearest but yes I did. You?" 

Anthony kissed his head, gently surfing his fingers through the greying locks "oh yes I did. Though I wish you would sleep in for longer, what about Sundays? Everyone sleeps in on a Sunday." 

The Captain hesitated, that did sound quite nice in theory, but ultimately he shook his head "Oh no Anny, sleeping in is wasting the day away. I have so many things I could be doing now that sleeping in would be a crime." 

Anthony paused "anny? Is that a new nickname of sorts?" 

"oh - ah - heh, that must've just - wow uh - sorry dear that seemed to have slipped out -"

His partner shook his head, silently giggling at older mans antics. He leaned down beside him, their eyes now meeting halfway as he caressed The Captain's cheek in his hand "oh no Jamie don't worry, I like it. Let it slip out more often hmm?" 

By this point, Anthony was only a couple of inches away from The Captain, daring to look him straight in the eyes. Havers was always a lot more courageous than him, it was probably a good thing that he served at the front and The Captain didn't because otherwise it might have been a disaster. Across the 7 months of knowing him, Havers never once let any reprimands of him slip within the base, he always stuck up for him which takes courage in itself. 

The Captain loved him, a lot. They now got to share a bed together which was something he had to come to terms with. They stayed in his old room so he didn't feel out of place, plus this meant that they had a four poster bed which allowed more surface area. The Captain didn't know this at the time but Alison explained to him that he was incredibly touch starved. 

He still doesn't really know what this means but to be fair she's probably right, he hasn't had a hug in an awful amount of time and The Captain thought this was just because he wasn't an affectionate person. 

But he was. 

It was just that nobody had given him affection to experience it, or maybe he would have liked it more. Him and Havers were now inseparable, joined at the hip because The Captain just couldn't keep away. Anthony didn't mind of course but The Captain was becoming dependant on him, he had lost Havers once and was in no position to lose him again. 

The others had noticed this as well of course, they didn't miss anything apparently. Pat had gently shoved it into a conversation at dinner last week, whilst they were eating cottage pie as well! Pat didn't see much of an issue with it, mainly because it was Pat, but he did have a slight knowing tone in his voice when he said "so, you and Havers getting on alright, mate?" as if he was blatantly aware that they were getting on extremely well. 

"Well ah - yes! In fact, quite well - thank you Patrick." 

"Right..." that tone Pat does when he knows something is up came out as he said this, looking right through The Captain's facade - well. It wasn't really a "facade" as such, the two together as a couple were great, slow, but great. The main issue James had was keeping some distance between them, in a healthy way that meant he could still be independent without having to rely on Anthony for anything. 

This however, was just the start of his troubles as the more he stayed in this new way of life, and the more he got used to it, the more he realised that actually - he doesn't know who he is and he has pondered this for a while. Anthony is supportive of course, but that doesn't help him any more, the uniform made him. The uniform completed him. 

He only knows who the captain is, not James, because he's never had the experience of being just James. He was 14 when the first world war began but that didn't stop him, as soon as he was 18 he signed up for the front only to arrive when the horn sounded so he couldn't actually partake in any fighting. Not that he minded of course, deep down he knew that he wasn't truly cut out for fighting on the battlefield, he didn't have the toughness for it (much to the dismay of his father). 

Then the world spiraled into a post war friendzy. He did travel for a good bit though, had a lovely time down in Brighton. The people down there were so loving and nonjudgemental, he remembered this one particular time where he stumbled across a pub, totally unsuspecting so he ventured in, and was the opposite of what he was expecting. 

He was expecting a bunch of overly masculine men being extravagantly noisy whilst chucking their beer about the place. What he did not expect was men and women that were his vibe, there were men who were wearing makeup, women who were wearing trousers, men kissing other men, women kissing other women and it looked weirdly normal in this scene. 

This secluded, natural, uninterrupted scene. 

He'd never seen anything like it, yet he still chickened out. He went as soon as he left because he just could not face being recognised in there by someone he'd know. 

He was scared. 

He was a coward. 

Which is why, when the second world war started, he immediately signed up for a leadership role. Still a bit below his level at his ripe age of 39 but a captain was a very busy role and a busy role he needed. Everything was going well - or the best it could in a war environment - until November 1939, when he was assigned a new lieutenant after his last one went transferred to fight up front. 

Lieutenant Anthony P. Havers. 

This was his downfall, in the end, not literally of course but it was his heart's downfall because he fell hard. Anthony was just so considerate of everyone, he took over on the days where the Captain couldn't do the more physically demanding tasks, he gave the captain his brick red cup of tea every night, he sat with him to help with paperwork instead of going down to the pub with the others. All these were such kind acts and the captain couldn't understand why?

Why him? why would he want to spend so much time with him?

He did find out eventually, after they were left alone in a tent during a training night, he woke up half on top of Havers and when he woke up, Havers didn't care, he just smiled and continued reading his book, only interrupting the peaceful silence for a moment to remind him that they needed to get up at six. 

How bally thoughtful. 

Now they were here. Sleeping in the same bed every night, cuddling usually with the captain being the little spoon but he'd never admit that. This still didn't make him feel like James though. Everyone had already discovered themselves by the time that he arrived, after all he was extremely late to their party, and so he felt like an outsider to them, it was bally nonsense. 

And here we come back to the captain, once again sitting at the right end of the dinner table, sandwiched in between Pat and Anthony as he lazily picked at his lasagne. He noticed Anthony glancing at him with a pinch of concern, turning to lightly poke him, asking "are you quite alright darling?" and there was that question. 

That question of if he was okay, because was he? the world seemed to spin faster than he would have liked, wishing he could slow it down but it never went at his speed, always going just a tad too fast for him to cope. The Captain never gave him a verbal answer, just sort of nodded politely to which he got a sympathetic smile in return. 

The night was calm after that, the captain and Anthony deciding to take a relaxing bath after dinner. The captain waltzed into the bathroom to find the tub of soapy water peppered with rose petals and candles sprinkled about the edges. He suddenly had a high urge to stop and cry for a bit, how was Anthony this considerate? It didn't make any sense, why did he love him so much, enough to do something as affectionate as this? The captain didn't deserve this, he knew that. 

He didn't deserve Anthony. 

"You ready sweetheart?"

The captain jumped, turning to meet Anthony's eyes "uh - yes! I just - uhm -" he cleared his throat "Anny, dear, is this really necessary? I mean I don't deserve any of this -" Anthony stopped him mid speech, placing his index finger on the captains lips. 

"Stop right there mister. I did this because I love you. Yes? and that's all that matters, not whether you deserve it or not. But for the record you do deserve it, you've been through so much haven't you? You need to relax darling" As Anthony continued, his thumb started to gently stroke the captain's cheek, giving out a special sort of love, one that the captain needed desperately.

Then he let out a noise, a strange whimper of sorts before it all came apart- or rather he came apart. Anthony gave him a small look of sympathy before embracing him, raking his fingers lightly through the greying hair. 

"Oh my darling, it's alright. I'm here aren't I? That's it, we are fine, we are completely fine." 

It wasn't even about that really, no matter how fine they would be, the captain just didn't believe it. He could never believed that he would be deserving of any love from Anthony. 

The captain kept his head buried into Anthony's neck for just a little while more, not wanting to face his problem head on so to speak. However that wouldn't do for Anthony so he gently pulled his ashy locks, encouraging them both to look at each other in the eyes.

"Jamie darling, what's the matter?" 

What was the matter? the fact that he was having an identity crisis? he didn't know how to verbally voice this to Anthony. So, instead he chickened out, choosing the cowards way. 

"Nothing, I am absolutely dandy, Anthony-" 

"Now, James. You know that whatever it is you can talk to me yes? I won't judge you I promise"

The captain knew he wouldn't, but the tub was getting colder by the minute so he chose to stall further "I think we should at least get in the tub first darling, its getting cold." 

Anthony sighed but nodded in agreement, getting in first so the captain could sit in between his stretched out legs "do you need help?" 

The captain almost looked offended "what- no thank you Anthony, I do not need help getting into the bath"

By the time they had gotten washed and everything, they were both unfortunately too tired - or rather the captain was too tired - to continue chatting about anything as heavy handed as feelings so silently agreed to call it a night.

The captain didn't notice the small glance of concern from his partner as they shuffled into their four poster king sized bed, all this conversation about himself made it a rather exhausting affair, which is why he was very glad to be sleeping it off. 

Maybe he was just tired today, tomorrow would be absolutely fine as he would wake up with a new day, completely refreshed. 

Yes, perhaps that was it. 

Chapter Text

It was absolutely not fine apparently, because the captain woke up the next day late. 

He was never late.

In the end, Anthony had to wake him up because instead of getting up at 6, he didn't wake until half 9, absolute balderdash. 

Anthony was sweet as always, of course, extremely gentle and caring. This, unfortunately, turned his whole day off as the captain walked downstairs with his pj's and dressing gown still on, grumbling away whilst his knees were still waking up. 

Usually nobody saw him as dishevelled as this, he was always the only one up at 6 so this was unexpected to say the least for the rest of them. 

"Oh hiya cap - sleep alright?" the captain huffed out a nod. 

"right - well me and Julian were gonna go to the shops at ten, if you wanna join? I'm so glad everything is free here -" 

"uhm no thank you Patrick that's quite alright." 

A short pause followed the words, everyone stopped what they were getting on with to look at him and he noticed that stare again. That certain look of concern which he was now starting to hate, nobody should be concerned about him, there was nothing to be concerned about. 

To caveat this, he quickly stumbled out "uh - because I want time to get ready of course and a gentleman shouldn't rush or delay in the morning you know it's quite important that -" 

A hand laid on his shoulder, a rather large one at that. 

Anthony's. 

"it's quite alright darling, I'm sure Pat and Julian can go on without your sweet company, right chaps?" 

A succession of nods were seen "yep - anything you'd like cap? I can bring you back your favourite if you'd like?" 

The captain thought about it for a moment, he did love Cadbury's hot chocolate mix and although he probably wouldn't indulge himself with it until tonight just before bed, they were running out. 

"Well I uh - if you will please Patrick, bring back supplies and everything y'know..." 

At that point the captain had decided the conversation wasn't worth it anymore so lost interest, instead focusing his attention on the kitchen where he bumped into Humphrey - quite literally - at the doorway. 

"oh I'm so sorry mate I didn't see you there! You alright?" 

The captain was now getting especially sick of all these questions, he was fine. "I'm fine Humphrey! alright? I am absolutely dandy. Now will you please move out of the way so as I can finally make a cup of tea? I mean honestly, what's a gentleman got to do to get a simple cup of tea around here. Absolute nonsense..." 

By the time he'd finished, the captain realised that he was talking to no one but himself, he didn't even hear Humphrey leave! which means he didn't say goodbye either - how rude of him! he used to be so polite and distinguished, this afterlife business is turning him into a madman. Soon enough he had company though, as Alison walked in to find him sitting down at their large dining table, cup of tea made and book in hand. 

"Hi cap, you okay?" 

The captain had just about enough of this now. 

"Oh good lord yes! yes I am fine. Absolutely fine. Dandy. Splendid. Fabulous if you will! Now will people just leave me be and stop asking me if I am fine because i am!" 

Storming off in a way that resembled a toddler, the captain grumpily made his way to his and Anthony's bedroom to change out of his morning clothes, settling for a pair of dark green trousers, a sage green top and a rather woolly brown cardigan thrown on top. One thing he loved and hated about moving on was that he got to wear whatever he liked now, meaning he would have to take more consideration on his "outfit of the day" as Alison always called it. 

Calming down from his agitated exit, the captain made his way back downstairs only to stop at the drawing room doorway at his name being mentioned.

They were having a conversation about him.  

"yes well I certainly don't think he is splendid or dandy which also seems to be his new favourite word - anyway not the point. I am just very concerned for him, he just seems so - so - so lost! yes quite, he always looks quite lost and I don't like it. But whenever I try to speak to him about it, he does his "dodge the question" thing so I have a feeling he may be trying to battle it out himself." 

That was Anthony's voice, the little traitor. 

"Hmm... well it's really strange, for sure. I mean usually he has a very tight structure on his day and y'know fair enough! It's a brilliant way to make use of the however many hours ya have! but I mean - he woke up late like when does he ever do that! I have never seen him do that, not once - he looked so.. undone. I mean it was great to see ya-know 'cause I've never personally seen him like that! He's one of those guys who can never relax and it's just who he is at the end of the day y'know?" 

Patrick's back from the shop. Of course they were conferring about him, they both knew him too well - 

"Yes. But this is different, he just seems so tense and last - now do not tell him I told you this but - he cried in front of me last night Pat, cried. However I never received an explanation or anything! after he'd finished he just told me that - oh that little rascal. He distracted me from asking about it! right. That's it I'm going to have a conversation with him right now. He isn't getting away with it this time."

The captain wanted to listen but soon realised that it was him who Anthony was looking for so he managed to make a quick escape, planning to swiftly exit out the front door before his arm was caught by none other than the man himself, a bally shame to be completely honest. 

"Oh no, you aren't avoiding the conversation this time mister. Come along, we have much to discuss." 

The Captain was nervous, he wasn't extremely keen on talking about his feelings. It was like opening a can of worms, once you started they didn't stop and he certainly did not want to put that on Anthony. When they reached the bedroom, Anthony sat him down on the edge of the bed, pulling a chair up directly in front so there was little room nor chance for escape. 

Blast. 

"Now. James Montgomery I would like you to tell me exactly what's wrong and try not to dance around it alright? I have had quite enough of you sulking about when I am here and very much willing to talk to you about whatever it is that is wrong yes? It's just us." 

Anthony took hold of both his hands, gently leaning in with a delicacy the captain hadn't known for quite some time. 

"Uhm - well - in all honesty Anny I -"

Why couldn't he say it? It wasn't that difficult. All he had to do was say that he had no idea who he was, surely this is a really silly matter that could be handled without worry no? The captain didn't know how to put it into words though, this was the issue, he didn't have the skill to express himself clearly and he's had that issue for as long as he could remember. 

"Take your time, I'm here for you, you know?" 

And bless his sweet soul, Anthony really does try hard to keep him happy (and satisfied) so the least he could do what tell him the truth right? surely he owed him that much?

So, with a long sigh and a few tear wipes, the captain finally stopped being a wimp and just said it. 

Or - he tried to anyway. 

"Anny, I love being here - I do, I promise! But - well - I fear that without having the uniform to keep me structured anymore - I am afraid I feel as though I do not have a - Have a -"

He was blubbering, he knew this already, but the captain did not expect to tear up this quickly, I mean how pathetic of him? see, this is why he didn't talk about his feelings, because it would make him look foolish and Anthony needed a strong man to take care of him, not an oversensitive man-child who can barely keep himself together. 

"Oh sweetheart, would you like a hug?"

One nod and he was abruptly pulled into Anthony's lap, burying his face into the sturdy neck of his partner's. At this point, the captain was a mess, his hair was wrecked, his cheeks were stained with tears, his eyes an angry sort of rosy colour. But, and he didn't want to admit this of course, but perhaps this was helping? as by the time he was completely drained of tears, he looked Anthony in the eye, and smiled.

"This was not what I expected to happen today -" 

A chuckle from both of them escaped into the slightly suffocating air. 

"- but thank you dear, I wished you didn't have to see me in such a... sensitive state but I assure you I feel much better now." 

Anthony smiled back, nodding quietly "that's very good my love! Thank you for sharing that with me, I'm very proud." 

For some reason, the captain's face went a little red at the praise, he didn't need to hear it so why was he so warm inside when hearing it? A little bit strange. 

"- Right well - As I was saying, I feel as though I do not have a clue what to do here, my uniform kept me in order, it gave me a sense of - of reason. But - now that I only have proper clothes - I feel as though that order has been - taken away of sorts. Which sounds incredibly silly I know but -"

Anthony shushed him, softly raking his fingers through the captains grey locks "It's not silly at all darling, you feel like you have no control because the only thing you had was your uniform however now that it's no longer with you, you don't know what to do now?" 

That was it. Anthony was always a smart fellow, he always knew what to do in tricky situations, very resourceful. 

"Well, Alison usually has good advice, much more modern and up to date than mine so we could ask her? Or I could ask her if you'd like?" 

He didn't mind that, Alison was good at keeping secrets, much more trustworthy at least than Julian or Kitty unfortunately. So this was probably the best option to talk to about this, maybe Patrick as well if he needed a second verdict. 

"Alright, as long as it's only her yes? I don't want anyone else finding out about this fiasco -"

"It's not a fiasco, darling -"

"Well..." 

Anthony began to stand up from his chair before realising that the captain was still on him. Letting out an amused huff, Anthony tucked his arm under the captain's legs and another one behind his back. 

"Right then sweetheart, you look quite tired, perhaps a nap might be in order?" 

And suddenly cap was off the ground, now holding onto his partner's broad shoulders for dear life. 

"Anthony!" 

Even if the bed was directly next to them, the captain sort of wished deep down that this moment would last a bit longer, with Anthony just holding him, loving him, it was simple but definitely effective. 

"But yes, I do feel exhausted. Will you talk to Alison whilst I am asleep?" 

"Perhaps. But you need some rest so tuck yourself in and sleep for however long you'd like hmm? You've earned it Jamie."

Hearing Anthony say that he has earned it made him feel quite warm and fuzzy on the inside, it was the same feeling as earlier! This was becoming a regular occurrence and the captain didn't know whether he liked it or not. 

But he supposed it did make him feel loved. 

So he gathered that it was, in the end, a good thing. 

With a kiss on the captain's temple, Anthony quietly made his exit, making his way from their bedroom to, eventually, the library, where he found Alison listening to a podcast that he indulged herself in quite regularly. 

"Oh hi Anthony! What's up? Is the captain alright? some of the guys heard him having a not so great time up there and I wanted to know if he was alright..." 

Oh so they heard him? He'd have to have a talk with them all about that, maybe an emergency meeting - stick to the point Anthony. 

"Well. He's alright now, he decided to try and get some rest as it's quite hard for him to be vulnerable like that you know? In our day men were shamed for crying like that if it wasn't 'serious' enough for it." He did air quotation marks to emphasise his point. 

"Anyway I came to talk to you about something, for advice if you will..." 

Alison frowned a little, now more focused in on the conversation "okay, go on then." 

Well - here goes nothing, Anthony supposed.