Archive of Our Own ^beta

I woke up feeling even angrier than I have the past couple weeks. Which is saying a lot since I was still recovering from a black eye my mom gave me. I had a lot of reasons to be pissed off. The first being my mom behaved like Muhammad Ali. Second, I’d hardly seen Lissa since she’s abusing her freedom to have “alone time” with Christian. Third, Adrians persistent attempts to win me over are getting obnoxious. They were also drawing a lot of unnecessary attention which made some of the blood whore rumors start back up again. Then to top it all off, last night on my way back in from the ski slopes with Mason I saw a gut wrenching sight.

Tasha and Dimitri were walking towards the ski lodge's bar. I’d love to delude myself and believe they were heading off to do literally anything else. Well not anything. Almost anything else. But there’s simply nothing in the direction they were walking in. Nothing besides a bar. Fully stocked with liquor that I’m sure would help lower their inhibitions. Lower his inhibitions with a woman, a woman who already wasn’t hard to look at. Not that they needed much help with that recently. She seemed to have her hands on him anytime she got the opportunity.

Ugh! I am the only one who seems to be repulsed by her presence. I could never imagine being a grown woman, fawning after a younger man so desperately. I’m not judging her for being affected by Dimitri’s good looks or his chivalry. Or that god forsaken accent. His accent alone could make a girl weak…or wet. What I am judging her for is for trying so damn hard. It was hard to watch. Her constantly pulling his attention to her even when he had more important things to be doing. Like being on duty, attending meetings, or training. According to Christian, Tasha asked Dimitri to teach her some defensive moves in one of the gyms this morning.

As I tried to fall asleep last night all I could picture was Tasha pressed against him the same way we often were. Close enough to smell his scent. To feel the warmth of his body heat. Him moving her hair out of her face the same way he delicately moved mine. Tasha enjoying being pressed underneath him on the mat. The thought of the fiery kiss we shared in the gym before winter break creeped its way into my mind and I thought of him kissing her that way. The image in my head made me nauseous.

It's not fair that everyone else was having the best time of their lives on this trip. Lissa and Christian got to sleep around whenever they felt like it. Mason and Eddie were just happy to be on the ski slopes all day, plus they managed to sneak a few cases of beer into their rooms. They’ve always been happy with cheap thrills, I missed the time when that’s all I needed. Even Adrian was happy doing whatever it is he does, so long as his glass was full. Here I am with a black eye, moping over a man who was never even mine to begin with. Jealous of a woman who is my friend's aunt. It’s absurd.

Fuck it. If everyone else is allowed to be having fun then so am I. Tasha likes attention, but I thrive on it. If she wants to throw herself at him like some desperate whore then so be it. She’ll just need to get used to being humbled becuase I don’t need to to act the way she does to get attention. For me it was easier. Maybe she needed to see that to feel like an idiot for how desperate she’d been acting. I’ve decided that this can be fun for me. I didn’t need Adrians bad boy reputation or Mason's puppy dog admiration to make Dimitri jealous. I didn't need to entertain men in order to get under his skin. I just have to exist. That's exactly what I plan to do. Now feeling more motivated, I peeled back the covers and practically skipped out of bed.

Walking over to my suitcase I pulled out the exact t-shirt I was looking for. It was made of a dark-green thin cotton, with a crew neckline, and white russian lettering covering the front. Behind the words was a school symbol. The shirt was a few sizes too big, but that's because it didn’t belong to me. It was Dimitri’s. He’d given it to me the night of the lust charm as a way to cover up after the spell was broken. I felt embarrassed about packing it when I first got here, but now it served a purpose. Before this I only used it to sleep in, never wearing it in public because I didn’t want to run the risk of others connecting the dots of who it belonged to. I figured being at the ski lodge with so much going on I doubted anyone would notice. I also didn't want him to ask for it back, even though I doubt he cared I had it. Now he might.

I also realized in wearing this I was exposing myself for having thought to pack it. I decided to run the risk of embarrassment, I had a feeling my plan would be worth it. I put on a sports bra and pulled the t-shirt over my head. Matching it with a pair of white spandex shorts that stopped right under my ass. Shorts I’m sure would ride up with a little movement. I planned on being very active. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and took a moment to cover my black eye with some concealer. I didn’t usually wear makeup to the gym but I didn’t want my eye to distract from my outfit. I also added a little bit of the lipgloss Dimitri bought me at the mall in Missoula, just for goodluck. I’m sure he’d be proud to know it was going to good use.

I looked at myself in the mirror proudly, liking what I saw. I slipped on sneakers, grabbed my headphones, and slung my gym bag over my shoulder. I chose the gym that was closest to Tasha’s room. With Dimitri being a gentleman and all that, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to inconvenience her by going far. I had been to the gym here a few times since we arrived, only doing some basic conditioning to stay in shape for when my extra practices continued back at the academy. The gym’s were a little smaller than the academy’s, the only difference being one of the walls was lined with mirrors. Intended to help people watch their form, but today it was going to help me get noticed. I walked in and saw a dhampir I didn’t know in the corner. He was engaging in staking techniques on a practice dummy. He looked as angry as I felt as he plunged the stake into his rubber victim. He only wore loose shorts and a bare chest, making his muscles visible to everyone in here. Two older guardian women were in the middle of a very intense yoga routine in the front of the gym near the mirror. I always envied people who could focus for that long.

Dimitri and Tasha weren’t in here, but I decided to wait them out. Even though there's a chance they had already been in here. I hoped not. I decided on a spot against the back wall becuase it was next to a punching bag. I did a few warm up stretches and taped my hands before heading over to it. Harshly delivering a few combinations against the heavy bag. I got lost in a rhythm and gradually increased my intensity. I felt like I was fighting everyone right now. Fighting my mom. Fighting Dimitri. Fighting Lissa. Fighting Tasha. Everyone. It felt good. I kept going, kept hitting. Ignoring when my tape wore thin, causing it to slip out of place. I could feel the hot pain against my knuckles, welcoming it as a distraction to my anger. I’ve been angry too long. I began to feel a little bit of release. Using the workout as an outlet for my anger.

However, this was short lived because right on cue Dimitri and Tasha walked through the gym doors. I heard his rich laugh ring through the gym as they entered. What was so funny? She seriously can’t be that entertaining. I hit harder. As I heard her voice I silently wished I made the choice to put on my head phones before they entered. Dimitri rarely laughed and when he did it was never that performative. I paused from hitting the punching bag. Catching my breath and taking a sip of water before adjusting my tape. Although I was welcoming the pain, I didn’t want to worry about getting blood on the equipment. I discarded the old tape and wiped off the blood with a rag I found at the bottom of my bag. As I began re-wrapping my hands I heard a voice behind me.

“Rose!” I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Tasha.

I glanced out of the corner of my eye, seeing her and Dimitri approaching me. He was straight faced, she was grinning stupidly. I took a deep breath before turning to face them. Here we go.

“Hey guys, what’re you up to?” I said, keeping my voice as light as possible. In turning around I revealed my outfit to them. His eyes drank me in, first my hair, then my lips which were perfectly glossed thanks to him, then his shirt. His gaze froze, locked on it. A brief moment of panic flickered in his eyes. Then they went cold as he looked at me. Oof that hurt. I expected a reaction but I didn’t brace myself for it. I met his stare unwavering before directing my attention to Tasha.

“Dimka was generous enough to offer his help and teach me some self defense strategies. The teachings you guys receive is far superior to anything I could learn in the human world.”

I wanted to point out that she could have asked anyone else to help her, but I was too focused on Dimitri. He was now taking in my lower half. His eyes roamed the hem of my shorts, then stopped at my hands which were bloody and clutching a roll of tape, and then he looked at the punching bag behind me.

“I’m lucky I have a good mentor.” I said with a flat smile. Dimitris' attention snapped back to the conversation with that comment, quickly pausing to look at his shirt once more. He was livid. I wondered if she could tell.

Tasha put her hand on his shoulder and rubbed it down his back, “He’s good at a lot of things.”

“Don’t I know it.” I bit back.

She looked at me taken aback by the tone in my voice. Then she noticed my shirt. Or his shirt. “Hey didn’t you go to that school?” Tasha asked Dimitri, momentarily distracted from my tone.

I hadn’t expected her to know where he went to school. I only expected Dimitri to know that I was wearing his shirt. I was hoping it’d make him think about the last time he had me naked on his bed. I hoped it’d remind him of how he felt about me. It was supposed to send a silent message. A message telling him that what happened between us was very real. That his feelings were real. Now that Tasha also knew about his shirt, I suddenly felt stupid and naive. I felt like everything Dimitri had accused me of being. I felt worried. Worried for him, worried for me, worried for us. I never meant to put either of us in a compromising position. I just wanted him to remember me.

“Yes I did. Our belongings frequently get mixed up during practice, she probably grabbed it by mistake.” Offered Dimitri as an explanation. This still wouldn’t explain why I was wearing it. Tasha made a face that showed she wasn’t buying it.

“This is yours?” I said with fake surprise. “I thought it was Masons, I didn’t even look when I put it on.” My acting skills were immaculate. Or at least I thought so.

Dimitri’s jaw clenched.

Tashas face relaxed a bit at that. Though it looked forced. “I get it. I hardly look when I get dressed in the morning. There's too much to do.”

I didn't buy it for a second. Nothing about her beauty was effortless. She was pretty but not in a natural way. She had obviously spent time curling her hair. Her eyes wore eyeliner that reshaped her blue eyes. I could smell her floral perfume from where I was standing. The colors in the leggings and top she wore matched so perfectly that she definitely picked it out ahead of time. The only thing beautiful about her was her scar, it flowed in the natural direction of her elongated face. My eyes must have shown my disdain because Tasha looked uncomfortable.

“Dimka, are you ready to start?” Her hand was still on his back.

“You can start stretching, I’ll be there in a moment. I need to help Rose tape her hands.” Answered Dimitri, giving her a small smile.

I’m in trouble.

She stole a peek down at my hands then made her way to the mirror where they had placed their bags. Putting more sway to her hips than usual.

I stood waiting for him to chastise me. Instead he took the tape. He was about to reach for my hands but he hesitated, he hadn’t touched me since we kissed. It looked like he didn’t trust himself. I could’ve lifted my hand to his, but I wasn’t going to make it easier on him. I wanted to torture him. I wanted him to drown in how much of an effect I have on him. Very slowly he lifted one of my hands and started wrapping it.

“Do you ever think before you act?” He said as he kept his eyes on my hands. Voice low and level.

“You seriously wanna lecture me on self control? I thought we discovered you’re a bit lacking in that department.” Sure I felt bad about the shirt, but I wasn't gonna let him kick me while I’m down. Plus I don’t like how he's been talking to me lately.

“What were you thinking wearing that?” He ignored my comment. I hated when he did that.

“Honestly I’m surprised you notice what I’m wearing. With your girlfriend around, I’m surprised you notice anything at all.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” He said as he wrapped my hand.

“Well, when she finally gets upgraded to girlfriend status let me know so I can lend her this shirt. Better yet you guys can use it to make a baby blanket for all the kids you’re going to have.”

He began wrapping my hand quicker. “Rose. You shouldn’t have worn it. It was careless.” Agitation slipped into his voice despite his efforts.

“Oh right, because you prefer me without a shirt on at all.” I retorted.

“Rose.” He warned.

“What’s wrong you don’t wanna think about me naked? You certainly never minded before.” I should stop talking, but I couldn't help it. I was mad and embarrassed. My words were pouring out of me. Leaving my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.

“You need to stop talking. Stop talking about the shirt.” He was using his mentor voice, this was a direct order. He was getting close to his breaking point. So was I.

“Why becuase you don’t want to think about when you gave it to me? You don’t want to think about us in bed together?” Regardless of if it was true it was low of me to say.

He started on my second hand. “No. Because I don’t want to think about you at all.” His voice carried a malice he’d never used with me before. His eyes met mine and for a minute I thought I saw regret, but then it was gone. My cheeks grew hot with embarrassment and I looked away.

“Got it.” I said, pulling my hand back from him mid taping. If he didn’t want to think about me then there was certainly no reason he should be touching me. I took the shirt off and threw it at him, he caught it stunned. Leaving me in my sports bra and spandex.

He stepped closer to me, offering the shirt to me, “You need to keep this on. Tasha’s going to ask questions.”

Given the fact that he knew me so well I’m surprised he hadn’t anticipated this response. But then again I don’t think either one of us were thinking. I laughed even though it wasn’t funny.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you spoke.” I didn't recognize my own voice. “Do you ever think before you speak?” I added throwing his own words back at him.

I didn’t wait to see his reaction, I was too hurt. I turned around. Tore off the tape he put on and began working at the punching bag. I’m sure I looked even more crazed than the dhampir in the corner stabbing the dummy but I didn’t care. What was there to care about? I already lost my pride. I already lost Dimitri.

I felt eyes watching me but I didn’t check to see who it was until I took a water break thirty minutes later. It was the dhampir in the corner of the gym. At first I thought he was checking me out, but then I realized he was looking at me with sympathy. I took a closer look at him and saw his red rimmed eyes, they were bloodshot like he’d been crying. Something about the way he looked felt familiar. Our eyes locked and I made an educated guess.

“Did someone break your heart too?” I asked.

“Unfortunately yes,” he laughed.

Based on the way he was looking at me he must’ve overheard my conversation with Dimitri.

“Well whoever she is, she's a bitch.” I said, trying to make him feel better and stealing a glance over at Tasha. She was watching Dimitri demonstrate a defensive technique, one he’d taught me our first week together at the academy.

“He. He’s a bitch.” He corrected me.

“God men suck.” Even though I didn't believe that, it felt good to say. Most of the important people in my life were men. He nodded in agreement and offered me his stake.

I looked at him perplexed, “Is this for her?” I said, eyeing Tasha.

“God no! Shit you are going through it. It's to let some anger out.” He told me. I continued to stare at Tasha. “On the practice dummy.” He added, while steering my shoulders over to it.

Sometimes I miss the days when I lacked self control.

We hung out for a bit. Taking turns switching between the punching bag and the dummy. A little bit of bitching in between. Apparently his name was Arthur, he was twenty-six, and he had just gotten out of a three year relationship with another dhampir becuase he got assigned to a royal family across the country. His hardship made mine feel insignificant, I didn’t share details about my relationship with Dimitri. Luckily, he didn’t ask.

Eventually, I finished up in the gym. Not feeling much better when I left. By the time I walked out of the gym Dimitri and Tasha weren’t there anymore. The more I thought about them the more my heart ached. I hated the thought of Dimitri thinking differently of me. Thinking I’m irresponsible or immature. The thought of him not confiding in me or trusting in me the way he has in the past made my chest clench.

Then my mind wandered off to Tasha. I thought about her slim build and her delicate features and how they contrasted so differently to my own. There was no way he could be attracted to the both of us, we were too different. Her blue eyes in comparison to my dark brown ones. My wide hips and large chest in comparison to her narrow build. Her much taller height. My olive skin and hers pale. This is another thing that kept me up at night. It made no sense for the both of us to be appealing to him, the ugly truth scared me. He only liked one of us, and not the other. It was obvious he was interested in her and not me. It pained me to think about.

I pulled myself out of my self pity daze as I entered my room. Grabbing water from the mini-fridge before I headed over to my suitcase to grab my soaps for a shower. I saw something on my bed that was out of place, I couldn't tell what it was until I walked over to it. I took a few steps nearing closer my bed looking at what was lying there. The crumpled fabric was odd, but the color wasn’t. It was green, the same green I was wearing a few hours ago. I held it up. It was my t-shirt, well his t-shirt. The same one I threw in his face, I hadn't looked to see what he did with it after that. At some point after training with Tasha Dimitri must've dropped it off in my room. At least I wasn't the only one being immature about this.