Chapter Text
Monday
Ash wakes up with an awful headache. She’s hungover, she thinks, and she tries sitting up although her body feels wrong and hot all over. And her joints ache.
She stumbles down the hall to the bathroom, turning on the shower without even turning on the light and stands under the stream to soothe her pounding head.
She flicks the light on when she gets out.
And screams.
Her hands — her hands are not her hands. Her face is not her face. She is — she is looking in the mirror and —
Her mother is looking back.
She reaches a hand up to touch her cheek and so does her mother in the mirror.
She is not in her own body. She is herself, but she is not in her body. She is herself but she is in her mother’s body.
Panic presses and she realises she is just wrapped in a towel in her mother’s bathroom in her mother’s flat on the Square in her mother’s body.
Oh god okay — ew — she thinks, realising she—her mother—is naked.
She closes her eyes after fumbling and stumbling back down the hall and tries to notice absolutely nothing as she randomly selects undergarments and jeans and a blouse and puts it all on. She tosses her mother’s curls in a bun.
Shit. Is she — why is this happening? How is this happening? Is this happening?
Maybe she’s still dreaming. She slaps herself, trying to wake up and—ow—holds her smarting cheek afterwards.
Kind of poetic justice really she thinks, darkly.
And then her stomach twists. Guilt curls – despite apparently literally being her mother right now, Ash knows very well how hard she’s worked to not be her mother.
She grasps for her phone, and then realises. It’s her mother’s phone. And she doesn’t know the passcode. Maybe for the best – shit – if she is here in her mother’s body… where the fuck is her mother?
Alarm rings through her, and she grabs the phone and her mother’s keys – eschewing her usual purse, that is too far – before rushing out of the house. She makes it across the Square before pausing at the door of No 41. What is she even expecting to find inside? She doesn’t really have much of a choice, however. Not if she wants to find her own body.
For fuck’s sake.
She knocks before realising it’s too light and then knocks harder. Is she trying to act like her mother? Maybe she ought to, at least a little bit?
But that’s going to be harder than she thinks, because the door opens and it’s her dad.
“Sukhwinder –” her father greets her, surprise in his eyes. What the hell? He is looking at her with the strangest expression – it’s intense and his smile turns her stomach a little. “Finally remembered your poor old husband?”
She tries to settle her shoulders at the joke. “D—Nish,” the word feels so strange in her mouth, her mother’s voice sounding, “no, I’m here to see Ash.”
She can’t help the way her voice wavers (she should’ve said Ashneet, shit) and her father looks at her with eyes that make her incredibly uncomfortable. Is that just because she’s actually his daughter or is this how her mother feels? Is she going to feel her mother’s feelings or just her own, but in her mother’s body?
She has a low thrum of instinctive adrenaline in her veins.
Ash doesn’t know how to understand that. She doesn’t know how to understand what the body she’s in is telling her and if it’s just her own discomfort with facing her own father while she looks like her mother.
Her father’s face twitches. “Oh, well, are you sure she wants to see you? Now that she knows you lied to them. About me.”
The question gives her pause and, also, alarms her. She’s saved from responding when — holy shit what a trip — her own body appears at the top of the stairs, and she makes eye contact with herself.
Ash knows instantly that it's her mother in there.
***
Suki hears Nish’s voice downstairs, and it sets her heart racing as she finally wakes from a truly disorienting set of dreams. She shakes her head, trying to figure out if she’s still dreaming or not. What is he doing here?
Also, downstairs? She sits up in bed. Her head swims. She doesn’t recognise the room she’s in, but glancing around, she thinks she’s surrounded by her daughter’s things.
She’s in Ash’s room. Ash’s room at No 41.
She looks down at her hands, her body. Oh god.
She’s not just in Ashneet’s room. She is in Ashneet’s body.
She must still be dreaming — she lays back down and closes her eyes, willing the dream to stop. But when she opens them, everything is the same.
She is literally in her daughter’s body right now. She heads for the bathroom, unsure what she’s even going to see and dreading it – shit – her daughter’s face stares right back at her.
Which means – oh god –
She races to the stairs. She’s wearing some sort of pajama set, it’s quite comfortable actually. And — wow — 30 year old knees are way better than she remembers.
At the top she hears her own voice and that of her husband’s. No no no.
“…About me.” Nish is saying and Suki feels her – her daughter’s – body flush with frustration. Whether at her or at Nish, she can’t tell. She reaches the top of the stairs and sees –
Her daughter. In her own body.
She doesn’t even need the confirmation of seeing her daughter looking at her from her own eyes – just how her body is being carried is enough. Ash’s body is thinner and taller than her own, and Ash carries herself more lightly, more fleetingly.
It’s weird to see that same lightness reflected in the line of her own body.
Suki had often commented on it as if her daugther was always fleeting and never committed to anything and she feels a curl of shame as the body she’s inside folds in on itself at the sight of her. She crosses her arms and tries to stave off the discomfort she feels.
There’s no time for that. She has to think quickly – “N–Dad.” The word falls quite uneasily from her lips. “I–I asked her to come.”
It’s all she can say, and unfortunately it feels manipulative. Her own eyes narrow at her but then nod. Her daughter is accepting what she’s saying, although Suki knows if they’d both awoken in their own bodies her daughter would never have said those words.
Because they aren’t speaking right now.
Because she has wanted so badly to mend things and yet there is this one thing she cannot say that holds her back, that keeps her lashing out instead of –
“I – I need to get dressed, but then you can buy me breakfast, I guess.” She tries to say it like her daughter would, infusing some of the annoyance she knows her daughter feels towards her into it. She sees Ash nod, pursing her lips in what she’s sure is an imitation of her own expressions.
Are they going to pretend to be each other? Who the hell would believe them if they told the truth?
She just disappears back to her daughter’s room and picks something out to wear as quickly as she can. Her daughter’s closet isn’t awful – she has a decent sense of style. Granted the long skirts and dresses aren’t particularly her own preference, but she picks out a reasonable pair of jeans and a shirt to wear. She goes into the bathroom to do her–her daughter’s–hair, quickly curling the short strands so they fall around her face. Her daughter’s straight hair had been a point of pain when she was young, with Nish constantly making it out like Suki’s own curls were unruly and undesirable. She’d straightened her hair for the first decade of their marriage, trying to fit the image of the wife she thought she had to be. And, she can see now, instinctively trying to appease him.
God – this is going to bring up so many things she doesn’t want to face, isn’t it.
She fusses very briefly with makeup, not that Ash needs any. The body she’s in feels well-rested and she – it stops her up short to realise that she has not felt that way herself in a long, long time. Maybe not ever, not to this level.
She shakes herself and grabs her phone – Ash’s phone, actually, she realises – and then makes her way down the stairs. Her daughter is standing by the door and Nish is still standing there. She is terrified of what he’s said to their daughter, and she thinks that she’ll have to prevent Ash from speaking to him.
Because she’s terrified of Ash hearing how he speaks to her.
It’s a realisation that arrives in her mind fully formed, and yet, at once, it’s terrifying to admit and makes her stomach twist with shame.
She hasn’t spoken to him at all in decades and yet – she knows. She knows what he’s like. She knows how he’ll try to work his way into the family. He’s already done it with the children in the weeks she’s been gone.
“Let’s go, mum,” she mutters, getting between them and ignoring Nish.
The expression on her own face confuses her — Ash is looking at Nish with slightly wide eyes. What on Earth did he say to her?
***
“Sukhwinder… after you have breakfast with Ashneet, I expect to see you. You haven’t given me a very warm welcome home.”
Ash shifts uncomfortably, her father’s tone making her skin itch. Her mother has been away, she remembers, so she responds, “I’ve been jetlagged.”
”You’ve had so much success in my absence; I always knew you would. It’s why I married you.” He responds, warmth carefully threaded through his voice.
Ash doesn’t respond.
“You’ll have to introduce me to your contacts. Of course, if you had kept me in the loop, I wouldn’t have to play catch up.” He says, and she feels panic in her stomach. She tries to school her breathing. ”But I understand. You couldn’t forgive me then. I hope I can earn your forgiveness now.”
Is her mother this anxious all the time? She feels like her entire body is ringing alarm bells. She’s exhausted and afraid and stressed and panicked — she breathes but nothing settles. If she was her mother’s doctor, she’d be concerned.
Does her mother forgive him for murdering a man? Ash doesn't know, she realises. Probably not.
“Although, I would have thought that being denied my family for twenty years was punishment enough. Wouldn’t you, Sukhwinder? I suppose you want me to grovel. My apologies were never enough for you,” he says. “But I forgive you. I forgive you for abandoning me, even if I can’t forgive what you did to Jagvir, not yet.”
Ash feels her breathing close up as that landed — grief like a tidal wave taking her over. Her grief is immense but the waves of agony she feels in her mother’s body are all-consuming.
Ash tries to shake herself as her mother makes her way down the stairs, dressed a bit more conservatively than Ash would’ve, but then again, she supposes she can’t be picky when she’s literally not doing the picking. She doesn’t even know what she put on her mother’s body.
They leave and her mother is walking with one arm up like her purse is on her arm and the image is so strange to see on her own body that Ash has to look away.
“Mum —“ Ash starts, and her mother shakes her head.
”Not here, putt. This is — we need to speak in private.”
Ash nods. Her mother really is shorter than her, she realises. It’s an absolute trip to be glancing over at her own body — but her own body held much more tightly, more rigidly than she ever does. Maybe the anxiety she felt earlier is her mother’s.
They get back to 5A and her mother pats her pockets before looking at her — “did you bring my keys?”
“Oh—yes,” Ash says and produces them from her own pocket. Her mother unlocks the door and lets them in.
“Ravi, are you home?” She calls out, and it is so weird to hear her own voice bouncing off the walls.
“He wasn’t here just 20 minutes ago.” She tells her mother, who goes and checks the rooms just in case.
When she returns, she goes straight for the kettle, rubbing her forehead as if she’s got a headache. It’s strange to see her own face reflect the mask her mother wears. Ash is just standing there — in her mother’s apartment, in her mother’s clothes, in her mother’s body.
“So…” she starts, “what now?”
***
Suki sets down two cuppas, settling across from her own body. She hadn’t answered Ashneet’s question. What now? Indeed.
She takes a moment to drink, letting the warm tea calm her racing mind. Or Ash’s racing mind.
“Are you alright?” Suki starts, the first question of many eating at her insides. She sees surprise written across her own face – it’s unfamiliar. It’s odd to see emotions be so readable on her own face.
“Oh I–” her daughter pauses and wraps familiar fingers around her own mug. “I don’t know. You –”
She stops and Suki tries to decipher the look on her face.
“How did this even happen?” Ash asks, and Suki nods.
“Yeah… I’m not convinced it is happening, if I’m honest. It’d be an elaborate dream, though. Very Lovecraft.” She’s just speaking her racing thoughts at this point, and it feels out of character. But then again, she’s in her daughter’s body, so maybe her usual standards shouldn’t apply.
She watches her daughter’s eyes widen and her expression twitches Suki’s own lips.
“Freaky Friday more like,” Ash jokes, but she’s also reeling. “How long are we going to be like this? Are we ever going to switch back?”
“I don’t know, putt. I’m – I’m sorry that this is happening. But until we do… you need to call out from work. And I – you can’t speak to your father.”
She feels raw as she says it, something aching and dark and terrifying swirling inside her. No. Her daughter could not speak to Nish, not while Nish thinks she’s her. God – she still wants to leave him for god’s sakes. She came back from Mumbai hoping to immediately see Eve. Despite Kheerat, she was planning to tell Eve they should be together. She still doubts it all but she just – she has these feelings that are impossible to stifle. She wants Eve, more than she’s ever wanted anything.
“Why?” Her daughter asks, and it shakes Suki from her thoughts. “Kheerat told us the truth and Dad knows he made a mistake and served his time. He wants your forgiveness. He’s asked us for ours.”
“And what has he done to earn it, eh?” She can’t help the way her voice gets hard and resentful.
“You never gave him a chance! The second he went down you cut him out of our lives. How could you do that to our father?”
“You don’t understand, Ashneet.”
“No, I do understand, because you’ve done the same to us. All you do is lie! You don’t want me to talk to him? Fine. But I’m not talking to you either. I’m going to work. At the minute mart. Don’t worry, I won’t ruin your ice queen reputation.”
Ash storms towards the door before wheeling around. “And do your best not to blow up my life. Like, try not to sleep with whoever you think my boyfriend is.”
Suki reels. Much as she might try not to think about it, she does regret sleeping with Peter. Primarily of course because it had been an awful thing to do to her daughter, but also because it is now impossible to see him and the handful of other random men she has picked up over the years as anything other than desperate self-delusion when the truth got a little too close.
Being with Eve has made that quite clear.
Ash leaves, taking Suki’s body with her. She feels exposed, she feels—she feels violated. She wants her daughter to understand her perspective, but not to be literally walking around in it.
Her throat closes at the idea of her daughter interacting with anyone – much less Nish, or Eve, or Ravi, or even Kheerat – she tenses her mouth to try to keep herself breathing, to keep her tears at bay.
Ash isn’t wrong. She does keep secrets. She keeps so many. She just doesn’t think her daughter understands what it is she’s not being told.
Nish being back on the Square is something she’s had no time to understand. He’s back in her life. He’s had twenty years to seethe and, while she might hope otherwise, she does not believe he’s changed. He’s still the same narcissistic, manipulative man he always was. He’s already started on their children, and she’s sure she is his next target.
And she wants to be with Eve, even now. Even with Nish here. Even with the secret of Ranveer hanging over her.
Someone knocks on the door and Suki knows exactly who it’s going to be.
Her son doesn’t waste time.
She’s just not her.
“Ash?” Kheerat says, eyes wide, as she opens the door.
***
Ash hurries towards the minute mart. Her mother is the problem in their family, right?
Although, Kheerat said that their dad had murdered someone in a jealous rage, not in defense of their family as she’d believed all her life. What had her mother done to him? Maybe just the same she did to Ash, with Peter: use someone to get one over on him, probably.
Murder still wasn’t the answer, of course.
And her mother looked – her mother looked afraid.
She finally shakes it off. Her mother is always afraid of losing control.
She gets into the Mart and goes to stand behind the counter, realising that she never exchanged phones with her mother. Shit.
Her mother obviously cannot go to work in Ash’s stead… but Ash hadn’t wanted to tell her mother that she is on probation for mistakes in her charts these last few months, and therefore it’s not a good time for her to be off sick. She needs to be crushing it and she has distinctly been not crushing it. She sometimes wonders if it’s her name on the building that keeps her employed.
If anyone from work sees her mother wandering the Square in her body, she might absolutely be given another note in her file, all leading to potential termination.
She wants to be a good doctor, but recently she’s been wondering if she ever should’ve studied medicine. She feels like in the drama of her accidental pregnancy, trying to make up with her mother, figuring out her attraction to women — she never really chose it. She just did it because it felt like who she was — Dr. Ashneet Panesar, carrying on the Panesar legacy, even if that legacy would abandon her. Lately, she’s been wondering: why had she tried so hard to make her mother proud?
Her mother had practically done medical school alongside her, to the point where Ash sometimes felt like she’d have been the better doctor. Ash doesn’t think her mother would even remember the moment she started to pull away — towards the end of her studies, her mother had made some comment. It was passing: I don’t understand why your marks are so low when it’s not as if you have a boyfriend or something.
Ash had realised in that moment she was holding onto false hope that her mother would ever accept her bisexuality. She hates that she was proven right not that many years later. Her studies slipped; she failed several exams and had to retake them. It added a year onto her medical training.
After that and her subsequent rejection of Ash when she came out, becoming a doctor wasn’t just a way to earn her mother’s respect, but a way to spite her. Sometimes Ash thinks it still is.
She has plenty of time to contemplate these questions and feel increasingly on edge because traffic is slow. And everyone who comes in gives her a wide berth.
It figures. Her mother is cold to everyone. She doesn’t have many, if any, friends.
And the few friends she’s had, she’s betrayed.
She takes payment, helps people find things, and more than once catches someone looking at her curiously. She’s being too nice, she realises.
It’s not even been an hour when Vinny walks in.
“Mum,” he calls, and his voice is nervous. Ash finds herself raising her eyebrow at him, although she immediately stops when she notices.
“Vinny,” she says back, not even having to infuse it with their mother’s reticence. Vinny set her on edge the moment he walked in.
“I—um—wanted to talk to you. About Dad.” He says, in a hesitant way that immediately annoys her. Ash loves her brother, she really does. She empathises with him, even. But him bringing Dad back without even telling their mother and expecting her to be fine with it was a bit deluded.
“Listen, Vinny, this isn’t exactly a great time.” She responds. Having this conversation makes her incredibly uncomfortable.
“No—no, mum, listen. You have to face him at some point. I know I should have told you what I was doing, but he needed me. He needs you, too. He did something horrible but he’s served his time. Does he not deserve forgiveness?” Her brother’s voice is almost whiny and Ash’s gut twists to hear her father’s own voice reflected in this. Did their dad ask Vinny to speak to their mother?
“Dad sent you?” She finds herself asking, curious, and chides herself for saying ‘Dad.’
“No, of course not.” Vinny maybe isn’t even aware. She realises she feels frustrated that her father is using Vinny like this. And that Vinny is letting himself be used. For all her faults, their mother deserves better.
“It’s not your business, Vin-ny” She says, tacking the end of her brother’s name on quickly enough to avoid notice, she thinks, and she’s also surprised by how much she believes what she’s saying. She’s angry, but she doesn’t care to meddle in her parents’ relationship. Her mother definitely does not want her to, and for some reason that’s enough for Ash to hold back.
“Come on, mum, he’s just gotten out after twenty years inside. Shouldn’t we show him that we still love and care about him? He’s your husband.” Vinny asks, and, privately, Ash agrees. She also doesn’t like their mother’s coldness towards their father. But she’s completely certain that Vinny is not going to change their mother’s mind, no matter how Ash feels about it.
“I’ll speak with him in my own time. Leave it alone.” She says. Vinny opens his mouth to argue again, and Ash gives him an eyebrow raise. He puts his hands up. Well, I can see why she uses that so much.
”Alright, mum. I just — I just want us to be a family again. I want you and Dad to be happy.” Vinny is sincere, but Ash can’t help but feel a little doubtful that that is even possible. When their father was sent down, Vinny was barely old enough to remember what their family was like. And Ash herself is struggling to remember — all she can recall is that their mother constantly fussed. She was strict, always critiquing their clothing and appearance and activities, always pushing Ash particularly about her schoolwork. Their father played and read with them, and her mother stressed about finances and cleaning and their behaviour. Their father never disciplined them beyond a harsh word, always letting their mother dole out consequences.
Those memories take on an edge as she stands in her mother’s body. Her stomach aches as it has all morning, and a headache presses behind her eyes. Goodness — her mother seems truly unwell. Ash feels a curl of worry about her but shoves it back where it came from.
Vinny takes his leave and Ash contemplates a cuppa to get rid of her (her mother’s) terrible migraine.
***
“Where’s mum? Why — why are you here?” Kheerat is clearly shocked and Suki tries to settle herself.
“I wasn’t feeling well and mum agreed to make me something.” It’s the only excuse that comes to mind.
“You weren't feeling well and you came to mum.” His skepticism is clear.
“Yeah, period cramps, Kheerat.” She tries to roll her eyes, thinking quickly. “She makes me ginger tea and halwa.”
She used to, anyways, before. Back when her daughter might have entrusted her with the details of her body — before Suki rejected her choice to get an abortion and her dating women. Her stomach curls unpleasantly.
“Okay.” He clearly knows this is still strange, but she’s banking on him not wanting to know. “Do you know when she’ll be back?”
She doesn’t unfortunately. Ash had left without them making a plan, and the situation has her reeling. “I’m not her keeper.”
There’s too much bitterness in her tone.
“You’re in her apartment, though,” Kheerat’s tone reflects how odd that is.
“Yeah, well, I called off sick and didn’t fancy spending the day with Dad and Vin.” She tries to say, but knows Ash is acting incredibly out of character. It’s brutal to feel just how out of character her daughter spending time with her is.
“So you picked mum to spend time with instead.”
“She’s not the devil.” She snaps. She hates all of this.
“Of course not. I just don’t understand Ash. Out of all of us, she has hurt you the most. Did she—has she said anything to you?”
Suki narrows her eyes, adrenaline and anger running hot. Would Kheerat? She doesn’t take her son to be someone who would out her, and he specifically said he wouldn’t. But would he make an exception for the daughter she rejected for being publicly bisexual? He just might.
“No, she hasn’t said a thing. What should she have said?” She asks, her tone edgy and challenging. It’s tense and she can see his confusion at the way his sister is acting.
“Just—tell her I need to speak with her.” He says, his voice frustrated.
“Oh more secrets then, you’re just like her.” She is lashing out now and wants Kheerat to say something he shouldn’t so the scales even out.
“I think we’re all more like her than we want to accept,” his voice is quiet and Suki feels adrenaline rush through her veins because it’s far too close to the truth. But what can she do about it?
“What about Dad? Are we all just accepting his apology tour?” She doesn’t know how Ash feels about it, actually. Ash is just as inscrutable to Suki from inside her body as she is from outside of it.
Kheerat’s face hardens. “I was under the impression you were.”
That cuts deeper than Suki expected. She’s switched bodies with her child but that’s not even on the list of reasons why her life feels like it’s imploding.
“I don’t know, I guess. Mum seems different recently,” which is an observation her daughter certainly would not have made. They’d hardly shared a word.
“Yeah, well, she’s hard to understand.” She resents the truth in her son’s words. None of them seem to be having trouble understanding their father, but then again, they seem to hold their crimes with equal weight. Perhaps hers even more.
“Feel better, Ash,” Kheerat says before he turns to leave.
She sits and thinks about how she’s just made Ashneet row with her brother and how she doubts Ashneet would approve.
Fuck.
And then she thinks about who else is going to try to find her today. She wants to call Ash but – shit – she still has Ash’s phone. And Ash has hers.
She doesn’t even remember her wallet as she races into the Square.
***
Not long after Vinny leaves, Eve walks in. Ash doesn’t realize for several too long moments that Eve is looking at her expectantly. She’s gauging how Ash’s mother is and hoping to speak to her. Odd.
“Hi,” she greets. She thinks Eve and her mum are friendly. At least, they were having a drink right before her mum went to Mumbai. “Can I help you?”
“I texted. I just —“ Eve breathes in and her entire energy is strange. “Are you alright? With—with Nish?”
Eve’s expression is so concerned, so genuine. She clearly expects Ash’s mother to answer and to be open to her inquiry in the first place. And Eve asking specifically about her father — what does Eve know? Ash didn’t realise that they were this close. Suddenly the space feels… intimate.
“I’m fine,” she responds, not knowing how to handle this.
“I’ve heard that one before, Suki,” Eve states, her voice and eyes soft and there is something about the way she says her mother’s name – like it’s important. Ash realises that Eve cares about her mother. Like truly cares.
Her mother bursts in. Well, not her mother — her. Ash watches her own body rush into the minute mart.
“Mum,” her mother says, voice intent and stressed. Eve backs off immediately, the intimacy receding quickly from their interaction. “Oh, hey — Eve.”
Ash feels thrown by the way things changed when her mother (her) walked in.
“Hey, Ash,” Eve responds, voice friendly, but threaded with disappointment. “I’ll—er, be off.”
She leaves without much more notice, and Ash finds herself whirling. Eve didn’t even buy anything. Had she come just to speak with Suki?
“What was that about?” She asks, turning her eyes to her mother.
It’s weird to watch her own face settle into her mother’s mask. “I need to speak with you.”
”Okay?” She’s annoyed. It sounds weird in her mother’s voice. ”And it couldn’t wait?”
“No I—look, Ashneet—” she pauses, realising, and looks around to make sure no one overheard. Her hand twitches, a sign of nerves that is much easier for Ash to read now that it’s her own body. She also looks a bit guilty. “I just wanted to make sure you’d called out. And to give you your phone. We need to be able to communicate.”
The lies are easier to read too. She rolls her eyes.
“Whatever, mum, keep your secrets. I don’t even know why I bother.” Ash produces her mother’s phone and takes her own. It does feel nice to have that semblance of her own life back.
Her mother bites her lip. “Is it — is it going okay? The day?”
Ash shoots her mother a look. “Everyone avoids you, mum. Except Eve I guess.”
She sees a flash of something on her own face. This is too weird.
“And Vinny came in, trying to convince you to talk to Dad.”
Her own face twists — “what did you tell him?”
“I told him to mind his business. Now are you done asking? I’ve apparently got a shop to run.”
“Fine.” Her mother says, “just–don’t speak to your father. Or anyone, for that matter.”
“No Dad. No Eve. Got it, mum.” Ash gives her mother a sarcastic salute.
Why doesn’t her mother want her to speak to Eve? Why had Eve acted so strangely? Maybe Eve was helping her mother with something to do with her Dad? Eve used to be a solicitor, could be that she’s giving her mother advice. About – about – Ash doesn’t want to think it, but she can’t help but wonder if it’s a divorce. Ash doesn’t know how she feels about that possibility.
She shakes herself as a customer walks in.
***
At least she has a plan for the rest of the day after she leaves the Minute Mart. She gathers her wallet and heads to shop out of the Square, ignoring how incredibly weird it feels to do anything in her daughter’s body.
She birthed this body, she bathed and tended this body, she wiped tears when she’d struggled with an assignment or a friendship. She hadn’t wiped the tears she’d caused, however, when she’d rejected her daughter time after time.
She’d been desperate for years — to keep her children together, to stay the immovable force she’d become to protect them, to stop Nish from getting them all back.
And she can see now that she’d hurt all of them in that pursuit, lost herself to it and it had failed anyways. Just a few nice words from his father and Vinny is back doing his bidding, she is still the villain, and Nish is forgiven.
It makes her sick to her stomach.
People smile at her as she walks through the market and each time it surprises her until she remembers whose face she wears.
Felix stops her outside the Albert.
“Oi — Ash, you busy tonight? I feel the call of a gay night out.”
The words are so simple, and yet they make her ill— ”A gay night out?”
Her tone is far too skeptical and negative and she swallows. He gives her a puzzled look.
”…Yes?” He tilts his head. “That’s sort of the whole point? Look, we can start at the Albert… take the tube to Soho… keep each other company while we find company…”
This is her daughter’s life, Suki realises. She’s sick to her stomach with — with disgust and fear and discomfort and resentment and—and longing —
She bites back a nasty comment. “I don’t think so. I need to be with my family.”
“Tomorrow then? Maybe we rope in some married gays who won’t interfere with our pulling?” He asks hopefully, head twisted to the side.
Would Felix ask Eve if she wants to go? Would Eve go? Suki had rejected her — if Eve was looking for a rebound, certainly she could find one any night of the week. She feels like she’s been stabbed.
“I don’t know — I’ll—erm—let you know.” She says, trying to get out of the rest of this conversation and to go — do something, anything to stop thinking about the woman she wants desperately to go see.
Because she does want to see Eve. She didn’t get a chance to reciprocate. Kheerat interrupted them too quickly for that and she so badly wanted to. Besides her anxiety about Kheerat knowing, it was all she could think about in Mumbai — the hot regret that she hadn’t touched Eve back, done what she’d ached to do all her life and certainly since she’d started things with Eve. The hands of the body she’s in twitch and she shoves this line of thinking to the back of her mind.
She doesn’t know that she’ll ever get the chance to. The plan she’d had in her head — see Eve in private as long as possible and deal with the rest later — was blown to bits. Kheerat would probably give her some grace, but how long could she rely on his and Eve’s leniency? Nish makes everything all the more impossible.
It leaves her thinking there is only one viable path: she is going to have to push Eve away. Maybe Ash would do her a favour, unknowingly giving Eve the cold shoulder.
“Alright, you know where to find me when you’re done dealing with daddy issues and want to remind yourself who your real family are.” Felix says, already turning and Suki knows her eyes widen.
“My family is my real family,” she responds, too coldly for Ash, and Felix gives her an odd look.
“Yeah babes, sure,” he says skeptically and turns, bouncing back into the bar.
***
16:35 Meet me at 5A when you’re done
Typical of her mother to just order her around – Ash rolls her eyes at that and then realises how she must look doing one of her mother’s signature moves in her mother’s body.
Well, at least she’s in character.
And, well, she doesn’t have anywhere else to go. It’s not like she’s going to get a drink in the Vic as her mother.
She arrives and the flat smells absolutely delicious. She supposes she shouldn’t be surprised that her mother cooked. Ash finds herself curious what else she got up to all day.
Her mother has her laptop open at the table, typing furiously, and it is still incredibly shocking to see herself held in her mother’s rigid way. Ash approaches the table where her mother holds up a finger to indicate she’s finishing something.
Ash doesn’t have anything to do, so she goes to the counter and starts the kettle for tea. She observes the counters — they are practically covered. Paratha, samosas, and at least two curries on the stove, one of which is definitely her favourite matar paneer. She spots a small chocolate cake and Ash’s favourite shortbread and gajar halwa and — goodness, did her mother just cook and bake all day?
She’s a bit hungry, she realises. The nausea she’s felt all day hasn’t abated much, but it’s enough that she thinks she ought to try to eat. She still can’t tell if this is how her mother feels every day or whether this is just an impact of their body-switching situation.
She makes them both a cuppa. It feels like the right thing to do, even as it feels weird to do so — her mother has made her a cuppa so many times in her life, and she supposes that if anyone were watching from the outside, they’d think of this as any other such moment.
Ash hasn’t done much of the opposite, except when her mother lied about having cancer.
Her stomach twists again. So many lies.
Her mother’s phone is sitting on the countertop, seemingly forgotten amidst her stress-baking spree. It lights up and catches Ash’s attention — a message from Eve. You didn’t seem yourself— is all she can read in the preview.
Eve is texting her mother. Eve is texting her mother and trying to understand why her mother doesn’t seem like herself.
“Eve texted.” She reports, and she sees her mother freeze. She glances around, clearly looking for her phone. Ash rolls her eyes and takes a few steps to set it on the table next to her mother, who promptly ignores her and goes back to typing what looks like a business email.
She pops two tea bags into cups and then does something she’s absolutely, 100% been avoiding all day. She goes to the toilet. She just has to pretend she’s in her own body.
When she walks back down the hallway, the kitchen is silent and Ash slows before she enters. She can only see the back of her mother’s head, through the wooden slats. The screen of the laptop has gone dark. Her mother is sitting still.
Ash rounds the corner and her mother jumps, putting her phone aside quickly, sucking in her breath and shutting her laptop. She only gets a small glimpse of a soft expression on her own face before her mother closes it once again.
“I made matar paneer, putt,” her mother says, as she spots her. Her voice is gentle, much more gentle than usual. “I told Kheerat you had period cramps.”
“Good thinking.” She says, and it is. “Sounds great, honestly.”
It’s a food she has found quite comforting since she was a child. Her mother stands and puts her laptop away, wringing her (Ash’s) hands while she goes to the stove and takes down plates for them both.
“Busy day?” She asks, watching the familiar movements of her mother’s comfort in the kitchen played out very unfamiliarly in her own form. This whole experience is incredibly strange — she feels like she suddenly knows her mother so much better. Or at least, she’s being forced to confront things she knows about her mother. Like that she is stressed and isolated.
Except from Eve, apparently.
“I needed to think,” her mother replies, and she puts a plate for each of them and paratha in the middle.
“Anyone who would’ve looked in, they’d’ve known for sure that we switched bodies.” Ash says, tone wry. Her mother smiles briefly, and Ash suddenly feels like she’s a kid again. Her mother hadn’t always been so hard. Not with them, at least.
They sit and begin to eat, and Ash is scared at how easily she’s warmed to her mother. She forgets how easy it is to get sucked back in by her.
Although, this situation isn’t her mother’s fault. It took something supernatural for Ash to completely believe that, and she feels a slight curl of regret at just how easy it is to assume the worst of her mother.
Then again, her mother has betrayed her trust so many times. And not just her trust, her. Her brothers, their family. Their father.
“Ravi is gone tonight anyways, so I think we should both stay here.” Her mother says, her fingers tapping nervously.
“Why can’t you just stay at No. 41? Too afraid to interact with your own husband?” Her voice is frustrated again. Her mother just makes decisions for her, using the fact that Ash won’t violate her mother’s wishes against her.
But her mother doesn’t rise to the bait.
“I’m not going over there because I—I don’t want to.” It’s a quiet admission, and Ash realises her mother doesn’t mean just because she’s in Ash’s body. She doesn’t want to in general. She doesn’t think she’s ever heard her mother say something like that before.
“I don’t understand why you won’t even speak to him. I mean, besides the obvious issue right now.”
Her mother bites her (Ash’s) lip. “A lot can happen in 20 years and I — I’m not the woman I was.”
“Okay… I’m sure he’s not the same either.” Ash responds, her body still feeling a bit ill.
Her mother looks at her, and on her own face Ash can read that she is contemplating whether to say something. It’s strange, this situation they’re in. It seems to have brought truths to the surface.
“I–erm–,” Her mother starts, and then halts. She takes a breath and her fingers tap on the table. “I don’t want to be with him anymore, Ashneet.”
Ash reels, “what? You–you–” she swallows but her mother’s stomach releases some of its tension at this apparent truth being said, “you want to leave him.”
“I left him when he went to prison. I didn’t want him to come back here.”
“He does not see it that way, mum, and why would you think he would if you never said?”
“I–I’m afraid.” Her mother says, and Ash sees it on her own face. It isn’t a lie. Her mother is telling the truth. “I’m afraid he won’t take it well.”
“Well I assume he won’t – you’re married. He came here expecting to still have a wife and a family.”
“I don’t know how he could’ve expected that. It’s been twenty years.” Her own voice is threaded with unfamiliar stress and anxiety. Her mother really seems to believe what she’s saying.
“You were just going to leave him to come out of prison alone, with no one?” Ash asks.
“He’s not an easy man to deny, your father.” Her mother says, quietly. Ash’s head spins at that – what does her mother mean?
“That’s what you’ve been talking to Eve about. Isn’t it. A divorce.” Ash says the word and she sees her mother’s eyes widen.
“No, I—I—she’s—” her mother swallows.
“How could you not even tell us? The truth about what he did or that you wanted to leave him? These last twenty years I thought that my father didn’t want to speak to me because you said he didn’t want us to see him like that but it was you – you erased him from our lives. What sort of person can do that?” She’s lashing out now and it sounds all too familiar in her mother’s voice. Shame curls in.
Her mother, once again, doesn’t take the bait like Ash expects. “Kheerat told you why he went to prison. That he killed a man in cold blood because he suspected I was having an affair. I wasn’t Ashneet.”
She’s used to getting a rise out of her mother without any trying, but something about what’s happening now has changed her. Or maybe she’s changed recently in general?
“Are you sure? Because you love to leave out convenient details, mum. Why should I believe you weren’t? You slept with my ex! Why wouldn’t you sleep with the man across the street?” Ash knows her words are too harsh but the empathy she feels for her mother has her ire rising.
Her mother stares at her with her own eyes, and Ash knows she’s telling the truth. She didn’t have an affair. She might be leaving out details, but her mother did not have an affair with the man her father killed.
Ash squirms a little and finds herself folding. “Sorry.”
“I’m sorry too, putt. For lying to you about your father.” Her mum is quiet when she says it. And Ash knows that she means it.
“Are you sorry about anything else?” She asks, managing to keep the testy tone mostly out of her voice.
Her mother looks surprised by the question. She nods, though, “you know that I am.”
The words aren’t sufficient and Ash tenses at them. But also, she has to spend the rest of the night here with her mother. She might as well try not to be angry the whole time.
“You know that’s not enough, if you really want to apologise.” She says, returning to eating. She doesn’t need them to continue the conversation.
Her mother seems to accept that, and Ash sees her mouth tense in a vulnerable way out of the corner of her eyes. Is it just because she can read her own face more easily that she can suddenly see all of these bits of doubt in her mother?
Or has she always seen them and ignored them.
They eat in silence for the rest of the meal, and then Ash gets up to do the dishes. It feels like a power play, and maybe it is. Her mother isn’t going to win her over with her favourite meal.
Her mother helps to put away all of the food she made, packaging up cupcakes and shortbread, but she leaves some on a plate for Ash and these little acts of care are frustrating and confusing. She silently drinks her cuppa while Ash finishes the dishes.
“I made up Kheerat’s old room for you. I’d prefer to sleep in mine, if that’s alright.”
“Fine, mum,” Ash knows her voice is annoyed. This whole evening has annoyed her.
“Erm–I bumped into Felix today – he asked you to go out tonight at the Albert.”
“Okay? Not your scene anyway is it.” Ash bristles at the idea, can’t imagine her mother in her body talking to some girl at the Albert.
“Obviously I said no.” Her mother responds, but there is this strange layer under all of this and Ash cannot for the life of her figure it out.
“Don’t worry, just because you’re in my body doesn’t mean you’re suddenly bisexual too. It’s not catching.” She says, bitterness in her tone. Her mother freezes.
“I know that,” her mother responds, defensively. “I–”
She doesn’t continue and Ash rolls her eyes. “Can’t even say you’re sorry for that, can you.”
Her mother looks uncomfortable and it sends Ash flying off the edge.
“Maybe I’ll take Felix up on it. Go out, find myself a nice woman to take home. You don’t mind, do you mum? Since you’re not homophobic? I’ll find someone age appropriate.” She takes her own phone out of her pocket and pretends she’s going to do it.
Her mother is staring at her with wide eyes. It’s a horrible thing she’s suggesting, one Ash would be absolutely enraged if her mother did with her body. She’s not going to do it. She just wants her mother to suffer a bit, which is why she says what she says next.
“Maybe Eve is over whoever she was seeing all those months ago. Maybe I’ll give her a call.” She’s just grasping for straws now, but her mother’s look turns at that.
“I know you’re angry Ashneet but stop this.” Her own voice is tinged with desperation and anger. She wants to get that rise out of her mother, finally.
“Why? I’m surprised you’re even willing to be friends with her. Nice to know you’re willing to be tainted by association with a homosexual for a convict but not your own daughter.” Ash can tell she’s getting to her mother, she’s touching a nerve. Good. She feels a grim satisfaction at that.
The look in her mother’s eyes is dangerous. “Call her then. If you’re so desperate to sleep with her that you need to use my body to do it, then call her. I’ll even give you my phone.”
Ash freezes now. She’s bluffing and her mother is calling her on it. Her mother takes out her phone.
“Here, I’ll even dial it for you.” She brings up her contacts and selects Eve, hitting call.
“No–mum–that’s just not necessary–” Ash starts, but then Eve is already picking up.
“Suki? Are you–” Eve answers, her voice tinged with all of the same concern and care as in the Minute Mart earlier today.
“It’s Ash, actually,” her mother says in Ash’s own voice. “Sorry, Eve, but my mother has something she wants to say. Go on, mum.”
“Okay,” Eve’s voice is hesitant. She’s clearly confused by what’s going on.
Ash gathers herself.
“Thank you for checking in on me earlier. I just wanted you to know I appreciated it.”
She catches the glint of victory in her mother’s gaze from her own eyes. But it’s not pure, there is something else there, something hard and painful, something unmoored, something edgy and risky and electric.
“Er–” Eve is definitely surprised that she called just to say that. “Yeah I–I just wanted to know that you were alright.”
It’s sort of a lame finish, and Ash can tell that if Eve didn’t know Ash was there, she would have said something else entirely. There’s still so many secrets.
“Thank you,” Ash says again, in her mother’s voice, and the anger has drained out of her enough that she means it. She’s just confused as to what it all means. “I’ll see you soon.”
They hang up and her mother deflates. She seemed so high on her horse, calling Ash’s bluff, but now she just looks sad again.
There are several moments of silence while her mother just seems to breathe.
Then she speaks, her voice soft and quiet. “I am sorry Ashneet. For how I treated you when you came out and for–for Peter, for keeping secrets. I–I have been so afraid.”
“What are you afraid of, mum?”
“Your father.” She pauses. “He – he has a way of getting inside my head. Making me into someone I’m not.”
She didn’t expect her mother to answer so forthrightly, but as it’s said, she knows it's true. Her mother’s body had told her that itself. She’d been terrified in her Dad’s presence – coiled tightly, as if bracing for a blow.
Surely it’s not that serious. She doesn’t know though, does she. All of this – her mother not wanting to be with her father – is news to her. For the last 20 years, she’s been under the impression that everything their mother did was to keep their family together in his stead.
She sighs. Confused as she is, it feels good to hear that her mother has some regret over her past actions. She knows secrets are still being kept, but her mother has been more honest with her tonight than she has… ever.
“I’ll support you in leaving him. If you want a divorce.” She gives them both a reprieve.
Her mother’s eyes are soft and grateful. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, mum. No one should, for that.” she says, and she means it.
“Tomorrow maybe we’ll wake up in the right bodies, eh?” Her mother asks, and Ash finds herself chuckling.
“We can only hope,” she finds herself responding.
***
Tuesday
They do not wake up in their own bodies. Suki opens her eyes to her own room, thankfully, but she’s still in her daughter’s form.
She’s up far before Ash, which would annoy her in any other circumstance, but she thinks that perhaps her daughter could do with a bit of a lie-in. Maybe her own body could too.
She feels scared. Obviously, she wants her body back. But also — she has spent years fighting for power over her daughter, and now that she has the most ultimate control, it feels empty. She can make Ashneet say whatever she wants — but she still can’t change who she is on the inside.
She wonders how much of what she thinks she knows about her children is what she’s wanted to hear. She eats toast and drinks a cup of coffee, trying to clear her mind, and realises something a bit unfortunate.
She needs clothes.
She’s wearing a jumper and joggers that she had in the closet somewhere, but they fit awkwardly on her daughter’s body. She’s going to have to go over to No 41 to get proper clothing. She doesn’t want to send Ash, not with Nish and Kheerat around, and asking anyone else is infeasible without raising questions she really doesn’t have the answers to.
She’s about to go when Ash emerges and it is still a shock to her system to look upon her own body from her daughter’s eyes. Especially when it’s held in her daughter’s manner. Her hair is a mess and it irritates Suki immediately, but she decides to give her daughter some grace.
“Morning, putt,” she greets.
Ash gives her a small smile and a “morning, mum.”
“There’s coffee if you like,” she says, and then she breathes while Ash goes to get herself a cup. Her daughter is not really a morning person. ”The shop is covered today. I have to go get some clothes from yours, is there anything you need?”
“You aren’t going to ask me what clothes to get?” Her daughter is sleepy, but that doesn’t mean her stubborn personality is absent.
Suki sighs, “well seeing as I’m the one dressing you, no.”
“Fine. Just don’t — don’t look through my stuff, alright?” Ash waves her off and takes a long-suffering sip of coffee. “And get my laptop and toiletries. When I get my body back I don’t want to be breaking out.”
Suki shoots her an offended look. “Excuse me, I remembered to wash your face last night, doesn’t seem like you extended me that same courtesy.”
“Well it was a weird night.” Ash says, not even trying to make excuses.
“Did you at least brush my teeth?” Suki asks.
“Yes, mum, gross.” Ash rolls her eyes.
“At some point we’re going to have to shower,” Suki laments, and Ash freezes, her coffee mug halfway to her mouth.
“Tell me that’s not necessary,” she says, and Suki shoots her a look. ”Ugh.”
“Look, I think we’re just going to have to get over it and take care of these bodies like they are our own.” She’s surprised by how easy it is for her to say that, and for the fact that she’s actually okay with it. Maybe it wasn’t so bad to loosen her grip every now and again. “And so that we look reasonably like each other.”
“Fine, but I’m not wearing a beehive.”
“A bun will do.” Suki agrees, and somehow she feels like they have navigated this very successfully. “Don’t forget to call into the Surgery. I’m going to No 41.”
Ash bites her lip, nodding. “Are you — are you going to be alright over there?”
“I’ll be fine,” she says. Nish won’t know it’s her, so that helps. But the thought of interacting with him at all makes her blood run cold. “Is there anything I need to know?”
“Vinny has been trying to organise a welcome back dinner. And Kheerat and Dad do not get along,” Ash reports. The first makes Suki’s stomach turn, and the last fills her with a sense of pride. Her eldest has always been the most wary of Nish. Vinny was the most hers, but he wasn’t a good judge of character.
“Alright,” she responds, and then she gathers her things and heads out. She doesn’t anticipate enjoying this venture, and she needs to avoid being seen by anyone from the Surgery. She keeps the hood of the sweatshirt she’s wearing up and crosses the Square.
***
Her mother has been gone for only twenty minutes when the door clicks and Ash quickly realises what’s about to happen. She leaves her plate and mug where it is and dashes into the hallway and back into the room she’s calling hers. She closes the door just as the apartment door opens.
She catches her breath and realises she fucked up – she should’ve gone into her mother’s room.
Nothing to be done about it now. She hears the sounds of someone moving around before Ravi’s voice calls out: “Suki?”
She takes a deep breath to center herself before exiting the room. She ignores him, trying to channel her mother, and walks towards the kitchen. Ravi stops and looks at her.
“Um, hello?” He says.
She looks at him and does her best to have her mother’s unbothered energy. “Morning.”
“What were you doing in Kheerat’s room?” His voice is suspicious. The vibe is incredibly strange – it seems like he’s almost menacing towards her mother, but she knows that they are kind of close. Or not. She can’t tell. Ravi seems to think that Suki can’t fully be trusted, and the body Ash is in hums with anxiety in his presence. Nish–Ravi–what man in her mother’s life is she going to find herself nervous around next?
“I was changing the linens.” She responds and maybe she’s getting better at this trapped-inside-her-mother’s-body thing.
“And where is Ash?” He asks, and she wants to smirk at him.
“She had something to do,” she says vaguely. It’s true, and also she doesn’t owe him answers. His energy towards her is weird.
“I dunno what was up with you yesterday, but is it really a good idea for her to stay here?” He asks, leaning on the couch.
“It’s just temporary, Ravi.” She’s confused
“You know Nina reported my dad missing, right?” Ravi asks, as if this is something that Suki should be very concerned about.
“What?” She responds, and she’s not pretending. She didn’t know Ranveer-Uncle was missing missing. She gets a very, very bad feeling. And this time she is confident that it is her mother’s feeling alongside her own.
“We need to be together now more than ever, Suki.” Ravi responds, and his face is deadly serious and carries just enough of a threat. Why is Ravi threatening her mother? With what? Does her mother even know? She’s been acting so close with Ravi recently, but things do not seem as good behind closed doors.
Ash feels a pang of empathy for her mother. It seems like her mother truly has no one, except maybe Eve, and even then Ash is confident her mother is holding Eve at a distance. And why Eve is also a good question.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” she says, although there is a lot to worry about. She does not like Ravi, not one bit – he’s bad news in general but particularly with his reputation for violence, his criminal record, his drug-dealing – what could her mother possibly be getting from him? Besides a business partnership that Ash already feels is questionable?
He just glares at her and then goes back to his room. She’s got no idea what to even think anymore.
She doesn’t have anything to do today, she realises, and secretly, she’s a bit glad. Work has just been stressing her out and, even if it’s a bad look, she finds she doesn’t care. When her mother brings back her laptop maybe she can do some emails, but otherwise she feels like spending the day on the couch. Her mother’s body is exhausted, and while Ash knows she’s jetlagged, it feels deeper than that. She decides a nap is in order and makes herself a cuppa to help her sleep.
***
Walking up to No 41 sends adrenaline through her veins. Of course this is home for her daughter’s body, but Suki does not feel that way herself.
She puts Ash’s key in the door and opens it, letting herself in. She’s hopeful that she’ll be able to evade her husband and sons.
But, no such luck.
“Is that you, Ashneet?” She hears Nish’s voice and his tone sends chills up her spine.
“Just need to grab a few things,” she replies, aiming for breezy and unbothered, and starts to make her way to the stairs.
“You stayed with your mother last night,” Nish says, appearing in the doorway to the living room. She wonders how he even knew that, but she’s not surprised that he’s tracking their movements. “Is she alright?”
Oh Nish – manipulating their children for information about her. It’s subtle, she has to give him that. It really does sound like concern.
“Yeah,” she tries to mimic her daughter’s less formal tone. “She’s alright, I just wasn’t feeling well.”
“I didn’t think you two were close,” he says, his voice carefully neutral. God, speaking with him is as much a mind game as it always was. It took her too long during their two decades of cohabitation to figure out that he was always looking for ways to take control of her, of everyone around him. “After what she did to — well — all of us. You, me, Parvinder, Kheerat… Jagvir.”
He turns his tone solemn as he names their dead son, and it turns her stomach cold. She aches with her grief for several moments and knows she won’t be able to eat later. She feels grief beyond her own, too.
But it’s oddly clarifying to see Nish trying to use Ashneet’s emotions to his advantage. And it’s clever, looping himself in with their children, particularly Jagvir. He just has no idea who he’s actually speaking to.
She knew she’d have to have a reason, and she did give it some thought. She plays along, “I thought she’d be more amenable if she wasn’t alone.”
His eyebrows shoot up, “for me? Putt, you don’t have to fight my corner with your mother.”
“For the family, Dad.” She says it like she’s agreeing with him.
She knows Ash doesn’t care as much about that as Vinny does, but Nish doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know that Ash formed a whole life for herself away from Suki for years, and in this moment Suki is wishing she’d just let her daughter go – let her get away. As much as Suki can’t tolerate the idea, almost anything would be worth sparing her children this.
“Ah, you’ve always been so clever, Ashneet. I am– I am so proud to be your father. I’m sorry I missed so much of your life.” He almost sounds sincere, and Suki has always known that there is something inside Nishandeep Panesar that loved their children. His love is toxic, however, genuine or not. And it’s never superseded his need for power and control over his wife.
It might as well not be considered love, at that point. It has taken her too long to see that for herself. She feels the curl of guilt, recognising her own words and actions in her husband’s. She doesn’t want this – she doesn’t want to be this.
“Thanks, Dad,” she says, and she just turns towards the stairs. The fewer specifics Nish has, the better.
“Tell her I expect her. She’s already testing my patience,” his voice makes it sound like he’s joking, but she knows that he’s not, and it chills her to the bone. She’s not sure whether Ash would know better, but Suki knows that Nish is just counting the hours. He’s clearly considering Suki from every angle at the minute – wondering why she would be staying away, trying to figure out if there are levers he can use against her. She thinks of Eve immediately – if Nish even catches the tiniest of drifts –
She nods and just heads upstairs. She packs quickly—clothing, laptop, toiletries—and then makes her way back downstairs and out the door before anyone can stop her.
On the Square she walks quickly, avoiding everyone and keeping her head down.
That is, until she hears, “Oi! Ash!,” from down the market.
Eve catches her quickly. “Hey, mate — you alright?”
Eve makes eye contact and Suki feels warmth bloom in her chest. Eve’s eyes don’t have the same heat in them for her daughter as Suki is accustomed to — and a part of her thrills at the idea of just how accustomed she’s gotten to that.
And Eve is perhaps trying to pry, but she also does seem genuinely concerned about Ash as well.
“Erm—” she pauses, “yeah, Eve.”
Despite everything, she can’t help how glad she is to see Eve. She wants to pull Eve somewhere private, ask her what she’s been up to, tell her what she’s been thinking — she wants to — she wants to lean in and press her face to Eve’s, breathe her air, brush her lips with her own.
She wants to press Eve against a wall and have her way with her.
Arousal flashes down her and she schools her face.
“Yeah erm—” Eve starts, “I know your Dad’s just come back. Has it been alright?”
And then she remembers why she doesn’t think she will get to do any of that.
“Yeah, yeah — it’s fine. Bit weird.” She says, feeling her nose wrinkle, “feels like I don’t even know him.”
Eve’s eyes widen slightly and Suki knows what she’s thinking. “Yeah, well. I introduced myself. He seems to be involving himself.”
When did Eve meet Nish? Suki feels her adrenaline rush. “Oh, you met?”
Her tone is rigid and Eve gives her a look. “I just wanted to know what he was like.”
She was trying to understand what Suki was up against, she realises.
“Yeah,” is all she offers. She can tell Eve is itching to ask about her and all but physically restraining herself from doing so, and she wishes she were herself. She wants to tell Eve she needs her, but she’s scared, too. Of Nish and so much else besides.
“I’m here, if you or your brothers or your mum need anything,” Eve says, and she really does try to be subtle. Ash probably wouldn’t have clocked it.
“Okay. Thanks, Eve,” she says, feeling her voice roughen as she says it and Eve nods before turning back.
What the bloody hell is Suki going to do about all of this.
***
Ash wakes up from her nap and spends a few hours avoiding doing anything. She really doesn’t want to interact with her mother. She doesn’t want to interact with Ravi as her mother. It’s exhausting and she’d rather just hide in the room.
But eventually she has to emerge.
She takes the liberty of going through her mother’s closet to find something to wear and ends up in a pair of looser slacks and a blue and yellow short sleeved blouse, as well as her mother’s only flat shoes. They are the only thing she can find that feels even remotely like her own style. She takes a moment to put her mother’s hair into a believable bun and realises as she looks at her mother’s vanity that her make-up routine is far more extensive than Ash’s own. She skips steps but thinks she ends up looking reasonably like her mother.
She walks out and finds her mother dressed in a pair of jeans and a high-necked blouse that Ash thought she’d donated to charity. She rolls her eyes.
No matter what she might’ve wanted to say for the last several years, she is definitely her mother’s daughter.
“Oh, Ashneet, you’re awake. Good.” There’s no judgment in her tone, but Ash finds herself searching for it. Her mother looks her up and down once with a critical eye that looks almost comical on her own face. “It’ll do.”
Ash rolls her eyes. “You managed to pick out my only matronly blouse, no surprise there.”
Her mother rolls her own. “As opposed to whatever this is.”
Ash doesn’t rise to the barb.
She instead just goes and gets herself some – she looks at the clock – early supper, she supposes. She reheats curry, rice, and paratha, and sits to eat at the table, ignoring her mother who finishes some dishes and then sits on the couch with a cuppa and a book.
The scene is too normal, it makes the skin of the body she’s in itch. Tension radiates between them.
She feels years of hurt bunched up under her (mother’s) skin, only made more painful by her sudden intimacy with her mother’s experience.
She washes her dishes in the tense silence and then turns to face her mother, who is pretending to read.
“So, nothing happened at the house then?” She asks, feeling her (her mother’s) shoulders hunch.
“Nish wants to see me, nothing new there.” Her mother responds, finally putting down her book.
Ash couldn’t help but smirk a bit, “he doesn’t know he already did, does he?”
Her mother smiles. “No, certainly not.”
The tension loosens, but then comes right back. Ash doesn’t know how to deal with any of this.
Her phone buzzes with a text from Felix.
17:13 any hope of you coming out tonight? or are you still insisting that your “real family” are more important
Anger shoots through her. She should’ve known better than to expect her mother to respect her while in her body.
“What did you say to Felix the other day?” Her tone is already hard. It sounds right in her mother’s voice.
Her mother looks up. “I turned down his invite. Why?”
Ash seethes. “Then why did he put ‘real family’ in quotes?”
“Oh Ashneet” her mother dismisses her, “I didn’t mean anything by it. I was just trying to end the conversation.”
“No — no — you don’t get to say that. You always do this! You say these horrible things like it’s nothing and then expect everyone to get over it and I’m done with it.” Ash feels years of digs bearing down on her.
“Well are they your real family?” Her mother asks skeptically.
“I’ve never been lied to by my community, that’s for sure. They’ve always been proud of me—supported me. That sounds like a real family, doesn’t it?”
”Look, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it.” Her mother tries dismissing her again, but something about the way she’s feeling means Ash cannot back down.
“You know I spent these two days defending you? I tried so hard to put myself in your shoes, but you couldn’t do the opposite for even a day. You were all too happy to get to — to live my life, make my choices for me.”
”What was I supposed to do Ashneet?” Her mother finally rises to it. “Eh? No one believes you’d voluntarily spend a night with your mother and I had to end that conversation somehow. So, yeah, I was a bit harsh. I’m sorry.”
“Oh you just never give it a rest do you!” She yells, feeling miserable. “You rejected me! If I’m not around you, it’s because you made it impossible for me to be around you.”
“I was wrong, Ashneet. Is that what you need to hear? Because it’s true. I was wrong, okay?” Her mother’s defensiveness does her no favours.
“That’s not what I need to hear. Just a few months ago you couldn’t even touch a pride pin for me. For me! Your only daughter!” Ash is letting it all out now. Every hurt, every resentment.
Her mother’s whole face hardens, but in the familiar lines of her own complexion Ash can see the vulnerability and regret underneath it. “I do accept you and I–I am trying. I just – why is that the only way I can show you that? To parade a rainbow flag around in public?”
“Because you’re embarrassed of having an out bisexual daughter! No one is asking you to go to Pride at the Albert and wear a rainbow boa. I am just asking you to be proud of me — yes — in public!”
“I am proud of you!” There’s a desperation in her mother’s voice that Ash would usually dismiss as an attempt to keep her on side.
“Bollocks. You’re proud of your doctor daughter. You’re not proud that she’s bisexual.”
“I – what do you want from me Ashneet! I apologise, it’s not enough. I’m–this is hard for me in a way you don’t understand.”
“It’s hard for you? I was chucked out on my own, mum. I didn’t see my brothers for years. Please then — explain how it’s harder for you. Go on.” She crosses her arms.
“I don’t want to talk about this,” her mother says, her tone increasingly desperate and Ash feels lightheaded.
“Well then what can we talk about? How Ravi told you this morning that Nina reported Ranveer-Uncle missing?”
Her mother freezes. “She has?”
She looks terrified. Ash feels her mother’s body’s breathing quicken again and she tries to calm down – is her mother having panic attacks? Since when?
“Ravi said so.” She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.
Her mother doesn’t answer, but her face tenses with stress.
“Okay so, not Ravi. What about Dad? You won’t even hear him out? Just use and toss aside, per usual for you.” Ash doesn’t know if she means it. All she knows is that she feels awful.
“So now that’s one of my crimes as well? Not wanting to be with a man who filled my life with pain and fear?” Her mother doesn’t mean to say it, because she looks shocked at her own admittance and Ash blows right past the way her stomach lurches.
“Lying to your kids about it, maybe.” Ash says, her voice hard. She doesn’t want to deal with it.
She registers her mother’s scoff. “You kids – you all make it so easy for him. He waltzes back in here, you and Vinny don’t even know him, not properly, and he’s forgiven within the week. Whereas I have had to beg for every scrap of forgiveness.”
“Well when you figure out how to bring my brother back to life, maybe then I’ll consider it.” Ash says, feeling unsteady on her feet. She sees her mother reel as if it’s a physical blow, and she feels it in her own body. Suddenly she’s dizzy, and noise becomes distorted.
She doesn’t know how she gets on the couch, because she is breathing too hard and her vision blurs until it’s nearly all dark.
She comes to with a cold cloth on her forehead, and the sight of her own body knelt in front of her is almost enough to send her back into a panicked haze.
“Ashneet – Ash, putt,” her mother is saying, “you’re alright. You nearly fainted.”
She shakes herself. She just wants to be alone. “I’m fine,” she says.
Her mother doesn’t look convinced, but she clearly feels awkward. Ash straightens herself and goes to stand, feeling steadier.
“Just… give me some space.” She says, and then she retreats. Her mother lets her go, and Ash’s catches her wringing hands and uncertain lip bite as she goes.
Ash finds her mother’s room and sits on the bed, trying to regain some semblance of composure. She isn’t even sure if she knows what she and her mother are fighting about anymore – is it still her sexuality? Her brother? Her mother’s lies and manipulation? Her father? All of it?
Being in her mother’s body has her wondering if her mother hasn’t suffered enough. Particularly with Jags – every time she thinks of him, her mother’s body aches like an open wound.
The facts of her mother’s relationship with her father are alarming, and they call into question everything Ash has thought her whole life.
And Ash – she knows her mother regrets it, how she’s treated her. She just doesn’t know why her mother doesn’t do something with that regret like be properly supportive.
She just doesn’t know what to do with all of this.
***
Interlude - the previous Friday
It was a lovely day on the market, and Honey, of course, took her duties as market inspector quite seriously. She wandered the stalls, looking around and seeing that everything was in order.
Good. The Square could use some peace and quiet, if she was honest.
But then something caught her eye, a stall out of place. There was a strange woman wearing a long black dress at the end of the row of stalls, apparently set up with some gems and crystals on a table in front of her.
An unapproved trader?
Not on her watch. She marched over there, catching the attention of the woman who simply gave her a serene smile.
“Good morning,” she tried to be sunny still, but she actually felt quite cross. “I’m Honey Mitchell, the Market Inspector. Do you have a license?”
The woman simply smiled, “why don’t you look over my wares?”
Her voice was smooth, almost… seductive. Honey shook herself, trying to focus, but found her eyes drawn to the table in front of her. The crystals were quite eye-catching really.
“They’re–” she found herself stammering, “they’re beautiful, but you still don’t have a permit.”
She ripped her eyes away and back to the woman, who simply smirked.
“Aren’t you interested in buying one, though?” She asked, her voice silky smooth.
Honey pointed before she could stop herself for one that was quite beautiful – a crystal of smooth blue stone, engraved with a small gold character of a circle… or something.
“That’s a good choice. A mending stone, for relationships that ought to be healed.” The trader grabbed a small felt cloth and picked the stone up, holding it for Honey’s perusal.
Honey couldn’t stop looking at it, and she did love the meaning behind it. She often wished she could mend a relationship at the drop of an eye. “Oh that’s–that’s lovely but–”
The trader interrupted her. “You just hold the stone and think of the relationship that needs its power. Only 10 pounds.”
Ten pounds?! That was an utterly absurd amount to pay for some sort of crypto-scam? She shook herself, “oh, no, thank you–”
“For the market inspector, I’ll drop to five.” The trader continued to hold out the stone, and lifted her other hand out as if expecting payment.
It really was a beautiful stone. It certainly wouldn’t heal a relationship just by thought alone, but she might not mind having it on her shelf of trinkets.
“Oh alright,” she said, and reached into her purse and produced a five pound note, slipping it into the trader’s open hand. “But you still don’t have a license.”
“I won’t be staying long,” the trader replied, a mysterious smile on her lips. Honey just looked at her, feeling a bit discomfited.
“Make sure you don’t,” she tried to say imperiously, but she felt this trader did not respect her authority. She slipped the crystal into Honey’s hand.
Honey felt the cool weight of it and thought of the last time she’d tried to mend a relationship – a few months back, in hospital with Suki while her daughter was recovering from a hateful crime in the room over. Suki clearly loved her daughter very much and Honey couldn’t understand why Suki didn’t simply tell her the truth. Suki didn’t reject Ash, she rejected herself. She was afraid of her own sexuality, she’d admitted as much in that moment. Surely it would mend their relationship, at least a little, to have that truth between them. And yet, they were still at odds, months later.
She noticed the crystal warm as she had the thought, and then it just as soon went cold. Weird. Well, no matter, she pocketed the lovely crystal and went on her way.
An hour or two later she revisited the spot and the strange trader was gone, leaving behind no trace except the small object occupying her pocket. A very strange experience indeed.