Chapter Text
He had kissed Hizashi. He had kissed his friend. It wasn’t part of the plan, when he invited him to a concert. It wasn’t part of the plan, when he invited him to spend the night. Yet it happened. Yet he kissed him.
(It was)
(his first kiss)
(He had never done it) (before) (never)
(He had only) (theoretical knowledge of it)
(He was)
(quite shy)
(Just a peck) (on Hizashi’s lips)
(a swift brush of his mouth against his)
(He didn’t know)
(if it was enough)
(to count) (as his first)
(to count) (as their first)
(At least) (it was enough)
(to convey) (his feelings) (his intentions)
He never dated anyone before. No boy, no girl. He never dated anyone before, only nurtured silent crushes, not daring to confess his feelings, hard to, when you have to hide your identity, when you have to hide who you truly are. He never dated anyone before, hence he didn’t know the rules, hence he didn’t know what was expected of him. His ressource materials were TV shows, movies, books and he knew for a fact those tended to romance situations and stray too much from reality. He never dated anyone before, hence he didn’t know if more was expected of him.
Perhaps he should
voice his feelings
But speaking was often complicated
and speaking his feelings all the more
Perhaps he should
touch Hizashi more
Hizashi liked physical contact
yet Aizawa wasn’t good at it to begin with
Perhaps he should
ask Hizashi on a date, a real date this time
Except he had no idea where to go
or what Hizashi would like to do, with him
He didn’t know
He didn’t know anything
Their relationship had changed, since the kiss. Even if none of them said anything, even if none of them took the risk to acknowledge it. It had changed, they had changed. Hizashi was keener on touching him, and he was less reluctant to indulge in it, on the contrary, Hizashi’s touch was comforting, Hizashi’s embraces were warm, and he could almost fall asleep, when Hizashi was holding him in his arms, when he was resting his head on his chest, almost, if it weren’t for the tremendous beating of Hizashi’s heart (Fast) (so fast) It had changed, they had changed. They were holding hands now, on the rooftop, during lunch breaks, when no one could see them, when no one could interrupt them, they were holding hands and Hizashi was whistling, looking away, singing a song, all to pretend he wasn’t embarrassed and shy (Cute) (so cute) It had changed, they had changed. Aizawa was now smiling, at the sound of his voice.
He wanted to kiss him
He wanted to kiss him all the time
When Hizashi was telling a bad joke
When Hizashi was singing a song
When they were eating together, or having a drink during breaks
When they were holding hands, hugging, cuddling
When he was falling asleep in math class
When he was helping Aizawa correct his spelling mistakes
When they were training together
When they were walking home after class
When they were texting until it was insanely late
When he was sending Aizawa the stupidest selfies
All the time
All the fucking time
He didn’t know if he should, he didn’t know if he could, and he was afraid to ask. He had made a move. Once, twice, thrice. He had made a move, then he stopped. Because, each time he tried, each time he drew his face a little closer, not too quick, not too fast, only to test the waters, Hizashi recoiled or turned his head away. He tried to rationalize the reaction, he was still trying.
(Hizashi is shy) (despite his loud personality)
(He needs) (time)
(Hizashi likes you) (you don’t have to worry)
(He bombs you with messages) (and gifts)
(Hizashi is shy) (a lot more than you)
(He still blushes) (when you hold hands)
(Hizashi likes you) (you don’t have to fret)
(He spends all his free time) (with you)
(Hizashi is shy) (despite his apparent self-confidence)
(He still shivers) (when you cuddle)
(Hizashi likes you) (you don’t have to doubt)
(He looks at you) (as if you’re a treasure)
Wait
All he needed was to wait
Maybe he should look for advice, even if the internet was far from being a reliable source on the matter. Maybe he should ask for advice, even if bringing such a subject to the family table was bound to trigger questions he wasn’t willing to be asked yet (His mother knew) (obviously) (the pink envelope and the hearts around Hizashi’s name) (she knew before he even did) He wished he wasn’t so different, he wished he wasn’t so weird. He wished emotions, feelings were as easy as any problem, as any equation.
Then he would know
what to do
At least it felt nice, to lie down on the floor of the rooftop, watching the clouds pass by. At least it felt nice, to rest his head on Hizashi’s chest, and the gentle touch of Hizashi’s fingers in his hair. At least it felt nice, to hold hands, to listen to Hizashi’s music (Hizashi was always introducing him) (to new genres) (new bands) (and it turned out) (he had a lot to discover) to listen to Hizashi hum, sing along. At least it felt nice, all the little moments they had, all the little moments they shared.
I love you
Yamada Hizashi
Your lips felt nice
this morning, in my room
Can I
taste them again?
Why is it so hard to ask? Why is it so hard to speak?
“Shouta” until that one day, until that one lunch break “Shouta, would you like” Hizashi asked what he never dared to “To go on a date with me?” Hizashi asked, and he was grateful he did (because he) (probably) (would have never) “A real date, we could go to the aquarium, see the fishes” except when Hizashi started talking, he could rarely stop on his own “Do you like fishes, Shō?”
And under his cheek
Hizashi’s heart was beating
Fast
Fast
Fast
Fast
Fast
“Yes” he mumbled, playing with Hizashi’s fingers between his “I like them, they’re pretty” trying to ignore the tremendous beating of his own heart (finally) (finally) “And aquariums are calm, it’s soothing.”
(Finally)
(Finally) (you asked)
(So it was okay) (to ask for a date)
(he should have assumed) (as much)
(Finally)
(Finally) (you offered)
(So it was okay) (to go out together)
(after a single kiss)
What does it make of us?
I still wonder
“Perfect~” Hizashi pulled out his phone, gave the top of his head a gentle kiss “When are you free? How does Saturday sound?”
Wait, like this Saturday? (You could have) (warned me sooner) (You know I don’t like) (last minute plans) But you never really plan anything, do you?
Am I
your boyfriend?
“Yeah, fine” he didn’t like last minute plans, yet he agreed to this last minute plan (because he had been waiting) (for this moment) (he had been waiting for days) “Should we meet somewhere?”
Are we
together?
“Hmm, I can come pick you up, it’ll be easier” Hizashi scrolled at the transports map “Or you’ll get lost again, there’s a few changes to get there” the subway was his personal nemesis, and the amount of people coming and going didn’t make it easier to deal with “And I already know where you live~” it’s not like it’s some big secret, dummy “How does that sound?”
The easiest way, the most logical solution, the most rational solution. Except he would have to warn his parents Hizashi would be coming, except they would expect him to say hi, since they knew each other. Except he would have to tell his parents, except he wouldn’t be able to tell his mother it was anything other than a date. Because he looked like a girl, because Hizashi was a boy. Because he was in love with his best friend, because his best friend wasn’t indifferent either.
Do you
love me?
“Great” he rose up, stretched “Don’t forget to give me the time, I’ll tell mom and dad.”
“Suuure~” Hizashi pointed finger guns at him “Make sure to wear something nice” something nice, uh? he had nothing like that, only practical clothes (and he couldn’t ask his mother for help) (on this one) (she would insist he’d wear a dress) (and he hated dresses) “I insist, Shouta, not those ugly sweatpants” but they were comfortable “Or that ugly hoodie” but it hid his curves pretty well, and he didn’t have have to bind “It’s date, after all~♡.”
Right, it was a date. Not a joke, not a casual moment between friends. It was a date, a real date. Because they had kissed. Because they were holding hands. Because they were hoping for more than friendship, while still being clumsy, very clumsy, with their feelings. (Honestly) (he wouldn’t have believed Hizashi) (to be this shy)
Because I am
very much in love with you
A date. It was a date. And the more he went through his wardrobe, the less he was finding something suitable to wear. All the clothes he felt comfortable with were unfit for anything of a romantic nature. And all the clothes that were fit for anything of a romantic nature were screaming girl, hence making him utterly uncomfortable.
A pair of jeans
(Too casual)
A flower skirt
(No fucking way)
His oversized black shirt
(Too plain)
The blue dress he wore for Christmas
(He’d rather die)
His favorite yellow jacket
(Okay, maybe?)
Pink thighs
(No, never)
Gray pants
(where were) (his gray pants?)
Red dress, green skirt, shorts, thighs
(No) (No) (No) (No)
Nothing to wear
Nothing to wear at all
He would look
ugly, neglected
He would look
girly, nothing like himself
Nothing to wear
Nothing to wear at all
“Ayumi?” stupid name (and he startled) (at the careful knocks on his door) “A-” no, not again! “Kitten, can I come in?”
He shouldn’t let his mother in. He shouldn’t ask his mother for help. She would insist he’d wear an outfit he wouldn’t have chosen for himself. She would insist he’d wear an outfit that wasn’t matching how he truly felt.
I can’t
mom
I can’t date Hizashi
looking like a girl
This isn’t who I am
and he knows
This isn’t who I am
and I would like you to know, as well
I can’t
mom
I can’t date Hizashi
not being myself
You have to understand
You have to
“Ayumi?”
(Stop) (with that) (fucking name)
(Ayumi)
(Ayumi)
(Ayumi)
(Ayumi)
(Ayumi)
(The last thing I need now) (are) (the echoes)
“Yeah” he sighed, rubbed his forehead “Yeah, mom, come in.”
He knew. He knew the moment his mother came in, he knew the moment his mother took a look at the messy pile of clothes on his bed, on the floor. He knew she would like to help. He knew she would only care about helping who she still believed to be his little girl.
But I am
not a girl
(I never was)
“My, my, you surely made a mess there, didn’t you?” she giggled, put a hand over her mouth “Do you need help?” yes, but not from you (don’t get me wrong) (I don’t blame you) (as you don’t know the truth) this is my fault “Something Yamada would like?”
I don’t know what Hizashi would like. I don’t know if he’d like to see me in a suit, in a nice shirt, or simply in an outfit that I like. I don’t know. I don’t know, so how could you?
I am not
a girl
(I will never be)
“No, I’m fine” he averted his eyes, now wasn’t exactly the time to confront his mother “I’ll find something.”
(Dresses and skirts won’t change that fact)
“Don’t lie to me, I know that grim look” except his mother was, well, his mother “You have no clue how you should dress, don’t you?” she could read him pretty well, after all those years “It’s your first date, after all.”
Yes. His first date. (His heart was beating) (fast) It was his first date. His first date with a boy he liked, his first date with someone he was interested in (So fast) (Too fast) His first date with someone who wasn’t considering him too weird, or at least who wasn’t repulsed by his weirdness, on the contrary, who might be attracted to it. His first date with someone he touched, with someone he held, with someone he kissed (Would he be okay?) (Would he be worth staying with?)
He never
dated anyone
He feared he wasn’t
good relationship material
He barely had
any friend
He couldn’t even
pick one nice outfit
(Don’t you think)
(Hizashi deserves someone better)
“I’m fine” he repeated, and his tone started to sound annoyed (he didn’t want to argue) (not with his mother) (not today) (not ever) “I’ll find something.”
He never
dated anyone
There was obviously
a reason for it
He barely had
any friend
He was too odd
He was too broken
(Don’t you think)
(Hizashi should try his luck with someone else)
“Don’t be so grumpy, kitten” don’t call me kitten, don’t ruffle my hair (you have no idea) (how much this means to me) “Are you nervous?”
No one ever wanted to go on a date with me, before. No one even bothered to ask me out on a date, before. Of course I am nervous. Of course I am worried.
(I am)
(not good enough)
(I am)
(such a freak)
(I am)
(not a girl)
(Yet I am)
(not even a boy)
(Don’t you think)
(you should tell Hizashi not to waste his time with you)
“A bit” he confessed “I just” scratched his cheek “Want it to go well.”
This is nonsense, I hope you’re aware. Hizashi knows you, Hizashi knows who you are. Hizashi knows your personality, Hizashi knows how you act, how you react. He knows what you like, what you dislike, didn’t he offer to go to the aquarium, because the fishes are pretty, because the place is dark, calm and soothing, the complete opposite of what a concert is? This is nonsense, I hope you’re aware. You’ve already been weird, you’ve already been weird a thousand times. If he didn’t want you in his life, he could have walked away a long time ago.
Then what are you
so afraid of?
“Hence you need the perfect outfit” don’t, mom (this means too much to me) (I can’t have you ruin it) (with a skirt) (with a dress) “Let me help you” you have to understand “Unless you don’t want me to?”
I don’t like it. I don’t like it, when you say it like this. It makes me feel like I’m shutting you out, once more (Of course) (you are shutting her out) (you have been shutting your parents out) (for quite some time) I don’t like it. I don’t like it, when you say it like this. It makes me feel like a bad son, daughter, whatever, child.
“I” be honest, Aizawa Shouta “I don’t want to” be honest, for once in your fucking life “I don’t want to wear a dress, or a skirt” well, that’s not too bad “Can you not pick anything of the sort?”
Can you not imply I’ll look better, if my hair was longer? Can you not imply I’ll look better in purple, pink? Can you not imply I’ll look better with makeup or hairpins? Can you not imply anything of the sort, please?
(If she does)
(you can’t blame her) (you know as much)
(If she does)
(you can only blame yourself) (you know as much)
(Because you never told the truth)
(about yourself)
“Of course, I won’t” she put her hands on her hips, mimicking an angry stance “You haven’t worn any lately, do you think I’m blind?” of course she noticed, do you think she’s stupid? “Ayumi” no! (yumi) I hate it (yumi) I hate it so much (yumi) “You’ve even switched your uniform skirt for a pair of pants” did you really think she wouldn’t? “And it’s too cold for a dress anyway, and I’m positive you haven’t shaved your legs” mom, please, stop! “There’s a lot we can do without those anyway, let me work my magic.”
What are you
so afraid of?
And worked her magic she did, as she scanned the contents of his wardrobe, of every pile he scattered here and there with an expert eye. And worked her magic she did, as she held a few tops, trying to gauge which looked the best. And worked her magic she did, picking a white shirt he had completely forgotten he bought, the gray pants he had been so desperate to find and a dark blue jacket. And worked her magic she did, as he almost looked like a boy.
You can tell her
you know
She knew about Hizashi
before you did
There is a chance she knows
about your gender too
Tell her
Tell her, Shouta
Tell her
you never felt like a girl
Tell her
you are her son
Tell her
Tell her
Tell her
“Yes” she tilted her head to the side, a smile curving her lips “You look perfect, or maybe” maybe what? don’t tell me you have a change of heart “Maybe a tie would be better, go ask your dad one.”
What? A tie? A tie… from my dad?
She knows
She obviously knows
(What am I) (to do?)
(What am I) (to do?)
She knows
For how long had she known?
(What should) (I say?)
(What should) (I say?)
My heart
My heart
My heart
You telling me to pick a dress would have been better. You telling me to pick a skirt would have been easier.
What are you
so afraid of?