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Chapter Text

Remus

“Teddy we said we were trying new things remember?” Well really, Lilly had said that they were meant to be introducing new things into Teddy's diet. In fact in the last six months that Remus has had Teddy, she had brought it up every morning at drop off giving Remus a certain - you're the parent not him - look every time Teddy had beamed ‘porridge!’ up at her. 

“No,” Teddy says carefully, round brown eyes blinking slowly up at him. 

“Teddy, buddy.” Remus carefully taps the table with the ends of his fingers. Ignoring the crack some of them gave. There's a half drunk cup of coffee on the kitchen island next to him, the window is open above the sink, he can hear the steady trickle of rain outside on their metal balcony. Teddy was already wearing his green raincoat, it had already been a long morning of trying to get him out of his pyjamas. 

“Porridge.” He pouts crossing his arms in front of himself, his cheeks were red and puffy. Remus really didn't need another fight. 

“What about some fruit?” Remus pulls himself away from the counter and swings the fridge door open, not that there was much left anyway. He had to go shopping later this week when he had a day to himself. “I can make you eggs?” There was enough milk to make them scrambled, he thinks you needed milk anyway. There's a thunk behind him and when he turns back around Teddy has plopped his chin on the counter, tears welling up behind his eyes. 

“I don't want eggs,” he whines, “or fruit.” Though it comes out more like ‘froot’. 

“What about yogurt?” Remus asks, “it's like porridge?” And there it was, the breaking point, a thick tear leaks from the very corner of Teddy’s eye and his lower lip begins to tremble. Remus knows instantly, how could he not? 

Living together for six months meant you pick up on a thing or two eventually. This kind of behavior this early in the morning only ever meant one thing; it was one of their bad days. When Remus first got the call, that his parents had died and that he had a younger brother to go and pick up - a younger brother he knew nothing about mind you - it was almost earth shattering. He had no idea how to look after himself let alone a much smaller version of himself. Not that Teddy was anything like him, that is, they couldn't be more different. How they shared parents was beyond him and Merlin himself. He barely ate breakfast or lunch in a day and here he was having to figure out how to get a child to do so. Having to figure out an answer to every ‘but why?’ question. It had taken him almost a full week to figure out what Teddy did in fact like to eat, or wear, or that he could even talk. To be honest, that first week was the only time he felt like maybe they were the same kind of creature. But then Teddy had gotten more comfortable around him, and his personality had come out and suddenly there was a very energetic toddler taking up every waking thought in his life. Remus had first noticed these ‘bad days’ about a month in. 

The days where Teddy would rip anything he was wearing right off, including and especially socks. Where no matter how much you asked he wouldn’t put down his quilted blanket, carried it everywhere including pre-school which was a hassle and a half - especially when he spilt milk all down the front and wouldn't let Remus clean it in the washing machine without screaming and crying - where he would hit his left knee over and over until it was bright red and no attempt of soothing him would work. Where the only thing Remus could get him to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner was porridge. 

“Okay,” Remus sighs, drowns the rest of his coffee in one go, drops the mug in the sink. “Okay pup.” He runs his hand through Teddy's hair quickly neatening it -not that it would stay that way- before reaching for the porridge container. 

“Thank you Remmy.” Teddy smiles brightly, eyes still wet, though it comes out more like ‘Frank you’.

Car rides was the next big adjustment in his life. Teddy loved them, adored them even. It was the only time Remus could get Teddy to sit completely still, to just breathe in and out. If Teddy was upset or couldn't sleep they would go on a drive, and if that didn't work Remus would take him on the train - something he only figured out when his car was in the shop for a service and Teddy would not stop talking about how much he loved the big cars. Remus on the other hand hated cars, car rides, having to drive, people on the road. Everything. He had spent more than his fair share of nights bunking it in the backseat that Teddy loved so much, hoping and praying to a god his parents so desperately believed in that his car wasn’t broken into in the middle of the night. In fact he used to take his car to the train station, park and then catch the train or bus wherever it was that he needed to go, even if it meant being late on occasions. But somehow with Teddy it was more bearable, each time he looked into the rearview mirror to see Teddy smiling ear to ear, eyes taking up his surroundings and hands gripping at the air in front of him, it seemed worth it. 

“Hey pup?” Remus asks turning down the stereo a bit, it was on a mixtape anyway, if he really cared he'd just rewind it. 

“Hm?” Teddy's eyes don't roam from the road. 

“Did you remember your inhaler?” That was another thing that he had to adjust to Teddy’s health conditions. No child should have to be ignored, especially when in pain, so when he found out about it he had done more research than really was necessary. His eyes slide to the cane in the passenger seat, the same one he's had since he was a teenager. He was late to the diagnosis, in fact he had gone his whole life with the pains his body put him through, his mother always passing it off as growing pains, his father saying that he just needed to play more sports. When he had moved out at 16, the first thing he had done was book the appointment and his doctor had told him it was juvenile rheumatoid arthritis - a joint condition, one that he was far too young to have, yet here he was. Through medication and his cane he was able to manage it as best as he could, but there were still days where he just couldn't get out of bed. Thankfully he hadn't had one of those with Teddy yet. 

“I'm sorry Remmy,” Teddy says after digging through his pockets. Remus rolls his eyes. When he had gotten to the hospital to pick Teddy up the doctors were panicked and asking him a million questions, things he couldn't answer, - how old is he? Does he have any health conditions? Does he know why Teddy is having difficulties breathing? Did he have any allergies? He didn't even know Teddy's name . Eventually one of them had figured it out and shoved a blue plastic air tank in his hands. Asthma - Teddy had asthma and about anything under the sun could set off an attack with no warning. 

“That's fine, you just have to be more careful yeah?” Remus reaches over to his satchel tucked under his cane and pulls out the device. “Lilly has hers for you to use but if she's not there you know where yours is yeah?” Teddy's eyes roam up to his in the rear view mirror, wide and blinking slowly. Yes - he understood. Teddy was good like that, communicating things without the need of words. Sometimes it was a blessing because having to understand toddler babble was harder than when he moved from Wales and realized the accents here were more posh than the dramas he watched on their old box television. His little hand reaches for the device and Remus lets him take it. Too young, his thoughts echoed, too young to be worrying about things like this. 

“Orange?” Teddy asks after the indicator is the only nose left in the car. Remus smiles and turns up the stereo, skipping forward a few times, until the familiar strum starts filling up the empty space and Teddy's smile is back, hands reaching for something only he could see. 

“Didn't know what time it was, the lights were low

I leaned back on my radio

Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll

"Lotta soul, " he said”

Sirius 

Regulus is wearing concealer again. Sirius sips his coffee over the counter watching him carefully. He could comment on it, but they both know that neither of them are sleeping well. Any comment he could make Regulus would simply turn back at him.  

“What time is James coming by again?” He asks instead. Regulus looks up from his sketch book for a second. His face is void of emotions, blank like when they were kids, Sirius wonders if he looks like that as well. 

“Since when do you not know when your boyfriend's coming over?” Regulus asks carefully, he picks up his own mug, dark and bitter. He never took milk Sirius has no idea why. The more milk and sugar in his coffee the better. In fact the sweeter anything, the better He hates bitter things. 

“He's not my boyfriend Reg,” Sirius rolls his eyes with a small smile, “you made sure of that.”

“ Ew .” Regulus drops his mug back down and avoids Sirius’ eyes. He had only found out about them a few weeks ago, but apparently it had been going on much longer than that to everyone’s surprise. The nightmares had stopped when James and him got together, that was one thing Sirius had noticed and the only reason he didn't lose his shit when he found out they were dating. Still there were moments where he wanted to rip them both apart. 

“7:30.” Regulus breaths out and turns a page in his sketchbook. There's charcoal smudged all up his hands, Sirius’ are no better, ink splotches up to his wrists, he had been up late writing the night before and had stained them. Sirius hums and turns back to his phone. 

Wormtail :

I have an afternoon slot open if you want an official booking

Or I can just come over, you have a kitchen counter no? 

Padfoot:

I'll bring the alcohol if you bring the rope and petals

Wormtail :

Sounds like a date 

“Another tattoo?” Regulus doesn't even have to look up. 

“Yes mother,” Sirius mocks, Regulus throws a pencil at him. “It's a constellation this time, getting it across my shoulderblade.” Regulus peers up at him then. “Leo,” he explains and Regulus pulls a face. 

“You're such a fucking sap.” 

“I have literally everyone else done but you two, and it's not my fault your name falls into the same constellation as my best friend.” Sirius points at him.

“Oh yes because I chose this name based entirely on James fucking Potter,” Regulus is smiling as he says it and Sirius is relieved to know that they’re not fighting. He goes to open his mouth just as the front door opens. Sirius swings around. 

“Your boyfriends being mean.” Sirius pouts crossing his arms. James blinks at the pair. 

“ Your partner is being a sap.” Regulus shoots back. 

“And your boyfriend is not picking sides. Again.” James directs to Regulus, dropping his bag down by the front door and looping his arms around Regulus’ shoulders to press a kiss to his temple. “What are you doing?” James asks Sirius then, before he’s moving around the kitchen pouring himself a cup of coffee from the stove. 

“Pete’s agreed to do another tattoo. Leo.” He says gesturing vaguely. He had a lot of tattoos hidden all over his body, but the ones he got for his family were always his favourite. In a way it reminded him of the hideous family tree Grimmulad place had. 

He had a scoreboard on his collar bone of Marlene’s first professional soccer game where she killed the other team, next to that was an hourglass for Dorcas, green sand in a black snake frame. There was a tattoo gun done on his left wrist for Peter, tattooing the matching tattoos that James, Peter and himself all had. (A black dog paw for him, antlers for James and mouse ears for Pete, the word marauders written across them all in red ink) There was a bunch of lilies on his calf tied with red ribbon, baby's breath added to the lillies when he met Mary, and she and Lilly fell in love. A tarot card - the lovers - on his forearm for Pandora and a series of stars scattered down his arm for Evan and Barty when they helped save Regulus. The very last two tattoos he's needed to do, the most important ones -his two brothers- had taken the longest to think of, it had to be perfect, meaningful. Not that the others weren't meaningful, but these ones somehow mattered more. 

“You've finally decided!” James beams at him, Sirius had been anxious over it all year, it was driving him and everyone around him mental. James hooks his arm around his neck squeezing his shoulder and sloshing coffee over the rim of his mug. “It’s good to know I’ve finally made the family tree.” James wipes at a fake tear and Sirius shoves him in the ribs. Regulus snorts finally closing his sketch book and watching the two of them. 

“Wanker,” Sirius downs the rest of his coffee, dropping the mug into the dishwasher. James is laughing as Sirius heads for his bedroom and he makes sure he flips James off before shutting the door to the ensuite bathroom. 

He looked pale, more pale than normal, he frowns at his own reflection. At the light bags that lined the unders of his eyes, usually they weren’t noticeable but today under the fluorescent lights of his bathroom he can’t possibly help but notice them. Well if Regulus was already using concealer no one could really say anything about him… 

He picks up the stick of concealer, a shade lighter than his actual complexation as more often than not he was paler than he should be and blends it into his skin. He takes the pencil of eyeliner he never left the house without and smudges it on his water line, blurring the edges a little, hiding the fact that they were in fact bags and not just messy eyeliner. He’s debating winged eyeliner when there’s a knock on his bathroom door. 

“Open,” he calls digging through the makeup he kept on the counter. 

“We’re heading off mate,” James pops his head around, smiling as usual, how he had energy in the morning was beyond their entire friendship group, not even Marlene was this happy in the morning, even when she was training. “I’ll swing by after work if Pete’s giving you a tattoo, might be able to bribe him into getting something done.” He’s baring his arm twisting it this way and that. He had a few patchwork slots wrapping around his forearm, Sirius’ favourite had always been the red balloons down the back of his arm ‘99’ tattooed under it. 

“Invite the girls as well then,” Sirius spins so he’s facing James, a smile pulling at his own face, “we’ll make a night of it.”

“I’m bringing Evan and Barty then,” Regulus calls from the next room over, Sirius rolls his eyes. 

“Bring Panda as well, tell her to bring her cards,” that was another thing with them. It was never just a hang out session, you could never just invite one person and not have the whole lot of them show up. 

“She was coming over anyway,” Regulus tucks his head under James arm to look at Sirius, his sleeves were pulled over his hands and he tugs at James’ arm until he’s wrapped it around his shoulders. They were always slotted together when they came out, always touching one another always close. Sirius envies them in a way. “She needed help with a new product.” Regulus explains. Pandora ran her own wiccan shop, herbs and flowers and spells and trinkets. Sirius never really understood it or believed in it until she read his tarot one day and somehow knew his entire history. Later when he interrogated Regulus only to find out he never told anyone about their childhood he couldn’t help but believe into the idea that maybe magic was real. 

“I want another reading.” Sirius says absently, putting down the liquid eyeliner. “I’ll walk out with you.” He shoves the bag back where he grabbed it and flicks off the lights shoving past the pair who were now lost in each other. 

Remus

“What did we have today, Mr Teddy?” Lilly’s smiling brightly as Teddy essentially drags Remus to the front gates before breaking free entirely and leaping into Lilly’s arms. Remus can’t help but smile at the pair. When Teddy frist came into his life it was hard enough to get him to say a word, let alone interact with anyone. But now, through Lilly’s help he was open with at least two more people. 

“Porridge.” Teddy says happily. Lilly shoots a look over his head and Remus sighs. 

“Well isn’t that interesting!” She smiles pressing a finger to Teddy’s nose, Teddy reaches up and holds onto Lilly’s hand. 

“What do we have to give Miss. Lilly?” Remus asks, finally stopping next to the pair, hand curled around his cane. He can feel the aches taking over already, the tiredness in his knees. Teddy frowns for a second before he’s wriggling in Lilly’s arms and pulling out his inhaler. 

“Sorry…” he says, when Lilly closes her hand around it. 

“Did you forget yours again Ted’s?” She asks kindly and Teddy nods slowly. 

“Remmy reminded me to be more careful.” Teddy explains, “but I remember where I lefted it so it’s not lost.” Though it comes out as los. Lilly nods along and looks up to Remus for confirmation.

“It’s fine, you still have his spare, just make sure he doesn’t lose this one.” Remus nods towards the blue device.

“Uncle Rem-us!” Harry sings running out of the front of the school and down to the gate. 

“Harry!” Remus says happily, wrapping an arm around his shoulders when Harry’s arms lock around his knees. He tries not to wince, really he does, but his meds hadn’t kicked in yet and Harry was very energetic for his age. 

“Harry honey, maybe you can walk Teddy into school and help him with his bag, yeah?” Lilly says pulling her son away from Remus quickly and helping Teddy back down, tucking his inhaler into the front zipper of his jacket.

“Hi Teddy,” Harry beams, Teddy only waves before offering his hand, Harry taking it eagerly. That was something Lilly had taught them when Teddy was first enrolled, if Teddy was having a quiet day or a difficult day he could communicate that through holding onto Harry. And Harry bless him, tried his best to tone down his - and everyone else around them, even he did it rudely or got angry when the other kids didn’t understand - energy. 

“Bye Remmy,” Teddy says waving before being pulled along by Harry, who had a finger to his lips when Ron came running up to them. 

“Remus?” Lilly says and Remus has to force his eyes away from Teddy. 

“Sorry?”

“Are you okay? You have your cane today.” Lilly puts a hand to his forearm and Remus relaxes a little bit. 

“I’m fine, really.” Lilly and him had met a few years back in their last year of highschool, when he was in between places and sleeping in his car most of the time. She had been early to school one morning, he hadn’t left and was asleep in his car parked in the student lot and she had knocked on his window until he woke up. 

“Hey! Your the religious kid right?” She had asked him, he was still trying to wake up, there was sleep in his eyes and his body was aching. 

“Sorry?”

“The priests son?” Oh, he thought. 

“Yeah, yeah that’s me. Sorry what do you want?” He had tried hiding most of the bedding behind him, pulling himself forward so he was blocking the car door, embarrassment ran hot across his face. 

“Sorry! I’ve just noticed that your car never really, and that well, um. Are you sleeping here?” She had asked bluntly. He had blinked up at her, once twice. 

“Excuse me?” He had stood up then, slammed his car shut and hopped up onto the boot lighting a cigarette between his teeth. He remembered it was freezing that morning, he was already sick and this weather wasn’t going to help. She had followed him, dressed in a flowing long green skirt and a black turtleneck. She had stood tall in front of him. 

“I’m Lilly Evans.” She stuck her hand out at him, a fierce look on her face. He had frowned at her. He knew her family, her parents and sister were in church every sunday, she was never there. 

“Remus.” He muttered gingerly taking her hand. She had hopped up on the car next to him and snatched the cigarette from his mouth slotting it in her own. 

“So you are then, sleeping in here.” She patted the boot and he had no idea what he was meant to say. No? “This car hasn’t moved all year, and last year it moved up and down the street, and the year-”

“Yes, yes I’m sleeping in this car. Not all of the time though.” It was true, there were a few homeless shelters he crashed at, or his overnight shifts at the gas station. And when he first left his home, the school had been able to help him for a bit as well. 

“Why?” She blew out smoke before passing the cigarette back over and Remus frowns. “Is it because you’re gay?” His world had rang silent. “Sorry is that rude? Mum always says I’m rude - I argue I’m blunt, there’s no use beating around bushes. I’m gay, too, well Bi, actually. So I’m not homophobic, sorry.” What?

“What?”

“Come over tonight, we have a spare room and mom’s making vegetarian lasagna, which Petunia hates, so there’s more than enough to go around. Petunia’s my sister by they way. We have English together, too, my parents won’t mind. Honest. Have you done the English essay? Any way, bloody Vernon’s over every other day. He’s a horrible man, you know? So they won’t care if you stay a few nights.” And she had just kept talking and talking, and he had kept listening and listening. 

They had smoked three cigarettes before Lilly had decided they were getting proper breakfast - her treat no matter how hard he insisted he was fine- and that was that. They were friends, and there was really nothing he could do to stop it from happening. She had helped him get his apartment when universities came around and he could only afford to go to a local one whilst she moved into the city, and then when they had both graduated she had helped him find a place further into the city so they were close again. When he had been accepted into the Black Star, she had taken him out to dinner and as many clubs as they could manage and told her she was never more proud of her younger ‘brother’. He had cried himself to sleep that night. 

“Remus, don’t lie to me.” Lilly crosses her arms now, tight against her chest. “You’re in pain, take the day off? When was the last time you saw your doctors?” Remus rolls his eyes then. 

“Five months ago, and he said I was as fine as I always am, and I can’t afford a day off, you know that.”

“As fine as you always are means absolutely shit.” She says bluntly, “your body is made of sellotape and prays.” Remus laughs then, “Harry hurt you, you’re clearly sensitive today, I will literally pay you to go home and rest.” 

“I’ll be fine, Lil’s, it’s fine.” The school bell rings and he nods towards the doors, “better go before they decide the sandpit would be better inside than out.” Lilly snorts then, before hugging him quickly and hurrying off to the door. Remus sighs, twists his neck to the left until it cracks, slots a cigarette between his teeth and walks off towards his car. Fine, it was fine. 

Sirius 

He blows out smoke watching as a brown beaten up beetle pulls into the parking lot. There’s the sound of David Bowie playing loudly and then it all cuts to silence as Remus Lupin pulls himself out of his car, gripping onto the roof as he limps over to the other side. Sirius watches as he pulls his cane out, then his satchel, and a cup of coffee before locking the door and heading towards the elevators. Sirius watches him as he goes, a frown pulled at his face. Another bad day.  

He lets his cigarette burn out before he stomps on it and heads in himself. 

He pauses at the main desk picking up some files and heading up the polished staircase that wrapped around the whole building. There’s noises everywhere, something he loved more than he cared to admit. Typing and clanking of keys, laughter and rising voices, heels and steel toed shoes echoing down the halls, coffee being made in nearly every room. He lived for that feeling, that life feeling. A giant beam of ‘here I am!’ compared to what he was raised in, complete and utter silence. A pin could be heard from one end of the manor to the other and it would make the whole house freeze up. He made sure that it was something he pushed for when building up his company. He needed it to be home like. He stops by one of the kitchens and pours himself another cup of coffee, making sure it’s almost white by the time he’s done with the milk. 

Black Star publishing was a therapy project he had started half minded on a tumblr account when he had first ran away from home and straight into James Potter’s arms. Poetry about memories he could remember, and more so the blurred ones he couldn’t. He started writing Regulus letters when he had cooled down, they had fought before he left, Regulus wouldn’t come with him, and Sirius couldn’t leave without him. Regulus had hated him, Sirius had regretted wasting his breath on him, and when he got to James’ he was so fucking angry. But months and months into relearning how to be a person, how to be allowed to be a person, he had started writing letters to Regulus, there were a handful he never posted, pleads and prays and begging and manipulation to get him to come with him, to just run away, that he was a coward. He still had them somewhere, tucked in a shoe box after the potters had brought him a pair of doc’s for christmas. But then came kinder ones, ones about how he was healing, how James was proud of him, how he was learning that the way they were treated was never once with kindness, that his future - for once - looked bright. How he had a therapist, meds, a diagnosis, how he was going to make things better for them, that he was going to save him. He never once got a letter back, and he was certain that his mother was burning them, but he kept writing, he needed Regulus to know that he was loved. He released that Regulus was getting his letters when a person made a comment one day on one of his posts, 

ChatNoir; you got this one wrong

It was on one of the vaguer memories, one of the twisted punishments they went through, Sirius had stared at it for a long while before he released what the comment actually had meant. He had wrote Regulus another letter.

Tell me then, how it actually went.

It was the first time he got a letter back from Regulus, and he realised in that moment how important words actually were. He set to work instantly, researching what he would have to do to publish books, and when that didn’t seem enough, how to run a magazine company. 

Regulus had written to him that he was losing faith, hope, somewhere into their 11th year of school and he had begged James to help him. So the two of them picked up Pete and drove the 2 hours to Grimmauld place, breaking into his little brothers bedroom at midnight and helping him pack everything they could manage. Regulus had cried the entire ride home, red angry marks up and down his back, open wounds on his wrists, there was so much blood, and Sirius was so. Fucking. Angry. He went to university for business management and writing. He had signed contract after contract and bribed as many people as he could to give him a shot and he had brought about the Black Star, a magazine - turned publishing office - purely crafted to take down the royal families of Europe. With a new release each fortnight, he - with the help of Regulus and later Cissa, Bella and Andy who he had also managed to save - unraveled what truly makes a Black a Black - self-preservation and torture to go with a deeply rooted god complex. What really makes a Malfoy a Malfoy - bribing politicians, enslaving the poor and sucking the soul out of the hopeful. What really makes a Rosier stand out - crazed occultists, racists and sellouts. It had pissed his mother off so terribly that he was getting cease and desists paired with death threats. Each court case she had managed to get him into, he had won, and never once did it deter any of them. 

So when he steps into his office, watching as Narcissa Black hangs up the phone and writes a reminder in her planner he can’t help but smile, and when Andromeda and Bellatrix walk through the opposite door, dressed in full black - his security personnel, accountant, and receptionist something they had decided on as the three of them couldn't write an interesting sentence to save their life - he feels a wave of relief wash over him. 

“Any updates?” He asks. 

“Well, I’ve gotten another three emails, two phonecalls and one actual letter from her lawyers, but none of which will equate to a court summons. So no.” Narcissa pulls her hair over her shoulders, the blonde fanning over the black, she leans back. “I’m  good at my job.” She says happily. 

“Remind me to give you a raise.” He says as he picks up another stack of files when she offers them over to him and slips into his office. He fans them out across his desk and begins dissecting them. A few last minute assignment’s  that needed his sign off, a handful of invoices that he’d have to drop off to Andy later that day, finished photoshoots that he’d have to pick from and a list of all his meetings for the day. He had a total of six, and one lunch that he wasn’t allowed to miss. He slides that one into the front of his blazar before his eyes latch onto the very last file. Slowly he opens the case and has to lean back and sigh, fingers restlessly tapping on the desk. 

Dear Mr Black, 

The request to promote one Mr Remus John Lupin from online management to the journalist sector has been denied upon his request. As has the request for Mr Remus John Lupin to run with next fortnights lead story. 

Sincerely,

Alice, F

Lower Management 

To say that Sirius Black didn’t have favourites in his company would be a downright lie. And he never lied. But when Remus had joined them just under a year ago as an intern, there was something powerful in his writing that had Sirius wanting more. He had been promoted - and properly hired - under the online management sector of their business. Essentially, as well as having physical copies going out to every agency under the sun, they ran an online website where similar stories, photos and gossip could be found as well as an online chat room. There was thousands of resources linked for child abuse, domestic abuse and mental health and charities they ran to support said resources. Remus was in charge of collecting statistics and writing out to companies for interviews. He would then write up and publish them under his pseudonym ‘Moony’. It could range from anything, local bands in the area, movies and books coming out, medical science journals, mental health experts. Anything that was happening that would bring joy or awareness, and their fans loved him. His writing, his mystery, everything. Which is why Sirius was so sure this promotion would be perfect for him. He would be earning more, working more, writing more. 

This wasn't the first time he had requested Remus to be promoted, in fact since he was hired Remus was working up their chain easily, and then all of a sudden it stopped. 

Sirius stares at the denial for far longer than he should. 

Chapter Text

Remus

“No Lil’s you don’t understand, that’s the fifth one I’ve denied now,” Remus groans, leaning his head back until it hits the chair. There’s half a cup of coffee that’s gone cold sat on his desk and a half eaten biscuit next to it. 

“Okay, well - no you can’t come in here, you’re doing lunch with Mrs McGonagal right now sweetheart. Remus I don’t know what you want me to tell you.” There’s the sound of a door clicking back shut. Remus looks around his office, there’s people everywhere, talking and leaning against furniture, more than enough of them have their hands full. Remus moans as he stands, reaching for his cane instantly before shuffling towards the door. 

“Tell me not to quit.” He mutters under his breath. 

“Okay no, no. That is not my brother speaking, you literally complained this morning you couldn’t afford 8 hours of sick leave. Remus, listen to me. If you want it to stop, you need to talk to him and tell him you’re not interested. I’ve told you this the last five times this has happened, tell him you’re not interested. At all. That you’re not playing hard to get.” 

“Way to make it sound like a rom-com.” Remus slips a cigarette between his lips and lights it whilst leant up against the roof railing. He loved it up here, if the weather was well enough sometimes he’d sneak up here to do his work instead of at his desk. He breathes in the cool wind, lets his shoulders sag a little, he feels content for the first time all morning. 

“Remus stop that. Have you out right said no?”

“I’ve denied every request that pompous fuck has sent me!” Remus snaps. 

“But have you said no .” Lilly repeats. Remus blows air through his nose. 

“No.” 

“So set up a meeting, tell him you’re not interested and are in fact quite happy with where you are in his company and then fuck off back to your desk. You’re making this a lot harder than it has to be Rem.” There’s shuffling on the other end of the line and the sound of keys. “Okay fuck it, I know I’m not meant to smoke on grounds, but I have a car.” Remus laughs then. 

“Tough morning?”

“Well they thought the beach needed to be added to that sand you mentioned this morning.” Lilly grumbles, he can hear her slam her car door. Abba blasts through the speakers until she manages to turn it right down. “I’ll just go over to the park…” she whispers to herself. 

“You sure you can’t come over tonight?” Remus asks then, he had texted her during the morning to see if she had wanted to watch the rest of Rupaul's drag race, and they had made plans for the Saturday, but he felt like they both needed a quiet night in. 

“Can’t sorry dear, you know what the boys are like.” It falls silent between them and Remus’ mind begins to wonder.

“Hey Lil’s?”

“Mm?” She takes a deep breath on the other end of the line, he hears the flick of a lighter. Remus lets the smoke in his lungs ease right back out through his nose. 

“Why have I never met your uni friends?” The silence thickens around them, Remus feels like he might choke.

“You’ve met James.” She says then. 

“Once, at the hospital when you were screaming bloody murder.” That had been a night to remember. 

“I’m sure that’s not the only time.” She mumbles, Remus drags smoke into his lungs, lets it burn. “And you’ve met Mary plenty of times.” 

“Right.” He mutters, drops ash on the ledge, kicks himself up so he’s sat on lip of the building looking out at the busy city. 

“Remus…”

“Just not Pad’s or Pete, or Evan or Dorcas or the millions of other people you fill your hours with. Are you…” He bites into his lip then, “are you ashamed?”

“Ashamed? Remus what ?” She sputters, she’s coughing now, holding her phone closer to her face, he can hear her. “ Ashamed ?” 

“Do you, I don’t know, regret this? Being my friend? Adopting me into your-” he stops himself, “into your life? You moved off and suddenly it wasn’t just us against the world, suddenly you were always busy, and I’ve never even met them.” He’s rambling now, he can hear his thoughts echoing around his head, down his throat past his tongue. “I mean I get it? You always wanted this life, things to do and see, places to go, a job you loved. You always wanted to move into the city and you never had to stop and think about it, just kept working towards it. Aside from Petunia your life’s amazing Lil’s really fucking amazing. And then I kind of just fell into it and you had to step back from all of that, and if you, fuck I don’t know, think bringing me into that life is going to set it all back, or force you to have to start, I don’t… taking care of me again, I’m sorry I made you feel like-” the school bell rings and Remus realises what he’s saying. “Never mind, fuck sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have to go.” He hangs up before Lily can respond and he shoves his phone deep into his pocket before marching back down to his desk. 

He swings open his desk draw and shuffles through the pages in there before he comes across a request form. His hand starts moving across the pages messily and he shoves it into this outbox before he can think about it again. 

Dear Narcissa Black,

One Remus Lupin would like to request a meeting tomorrow at 8am with a Mr Sirius Black regarding employment here at the Black Star. 

A response by noon would be greatly appreciated, 

Kindly,

Remus J. Lupin. 

Sirius 

“Pete! James is being  fussy.” Sirius whines down the corridor, his shirt was off and his shoulders were soaked in water, it was hard to not be shivering as he makes his way back to the kitchen. Pete has a frown on his face as he looks at the running ink down Sirus’ arm. 

“Mate what have you done.” Peter grabs a cloth and spins Sirius around so he can mop up the mess James has made. 

“It’s not sitting on his shoulder right!” James runs down the hall.

“It doesn’t matter.” Sirius protests. 

“James I gave you one fucking job,” Peter laughs, digging into Sirius’ shoulder a little trying to get the last of the ink off. “How many times have you tried applying it?” In James hands is one of five of the stencils Peter had given them, the ink smudged all over the page and crumbled up in his fists. 

“It won’t sit straight.” James motions to Sirius’ shoulder who flips him off. 

“First of all I’m not even straight so who gives a fuck. And second it’s a bunch of stars Potter, they’re not meant to be perfectly aligned.” Sirius snaps rolling his eyes and bunching his hair up so Peter can apply a new stencil. 

“I so did not miss this,” Peter snorts.

“You love us wormy,” James loops his arm around Peter’s shoulders before walking over to the bin. Peter presses the page down his whole hand covering Sirius shoulder, before delicately peeling it back up. 

“There,” he spins Sirius around so James can see the placement and Sirius all but flops onto the kitchen counter.

“Just do it.” Sirius whines.

“I’m not even set up yet Pad’s,” Peter gestures to half his equipment still in the bags he carried with him for two blocks and Sirius lets his forehead thunk down onto the marble. 

“Where’s Regulus? He can stick and poke me for all I care.” 

“Sirius I did not just lug all my equipment here for nothing, now go watch telly or start getting smashed or something for Godricks sake.” Peter pushes him until he kind of just rolls onto the breakfast bar stools. He groans and pulls himself up before heading over to the makeshift bar. It was Regulus’ idea when he realised how much they all drank, highschool or not, the Potter’s manor or Barty’s basement it didn’t matter, they’d be lugging bottles and bottles with them and remembering very little in the morning. So Regulus had taken them to Ikea and brought a little shitty trolley that they stocked with ancient bottles and - now plastic, after one too many accidents - glasses. He pours three shots of firewhiskey and sloshes them down onto the bench. “I just sterilised- you know what? Whatever.” Peter picks one up knocks it back and throws it towards the sink before gesturing for James to do something with Sirius. 

“Smoke break,” James loops his arm around Sirius’ neck downs the two remaining shots and tugs him towards the balcony where they fall back into the sleek black deck chairs. “What’s wrong?” James pulls two cigarettes from the packet on the table and all but shoves it into Sirius’ mouth, “you’re not normally this anxious. Missed your meds or something?”

“ No mum.” Sirius snatches the lighter from James before he lights his and leans forward on his knees. “Just work,” he bites at his lower lip, there’s loose skin there, raw from the amount of times he’s picked at them until they’ve bleed. A habit harder to quit than smoking. “It’s, well it’s almost the anniversary so there’s that coming up, and I  can already feel myself slipping into this work coma and I just. Okay so Remus-”

“Oh my god,” James groans leaning back and letting his head hit the brick. “Seriously? Remus? Again? Mate he’s one worker in a million, just let him be. There has to be others who are as good as he is. It’s just fucking words. Let the poor bugger be.” James gets up and pulls the cart out onto the balcony with them. 

“Okay yes, obviously I know that. But he’s better than most and won’t move up the ladder, thats odd Prongs, that’s so odd. And I need him on my team, I need him to help form better edits, better articles, he can’t just be happy running the online portal and getting paid the minimum.” James hands him something green. “And with the anniversary coming up, I could use him for the edition, it would be a lot less stress on me at the very least.” James sways his head. 

“Okay yes, but if that’s not what he wants that’s not what he wants Sirius, you can’t just read a man from afar. You can’t keep pulling people apart to know what makes them tick.” Sirius bites into his lip again, “ and you can’t abuse your power. Your company stands on the message of safety. That means for your workers as well Sirius.” 

“Okay yes but I am allowed to ask him.” Sirius shivers against the wind, runs a hand across his shoulder, pulls at his shoulder blades until he feels something pop into place. 

“And he’s allowed to not answer you. And if he chooses not to give you an answer we both know it’s just going to make you more crazy mate, just let it go.” Sirius takes a sip of the drink and cringes, green fairy. 

“We’re going to get so fucked up tonight if this is how you want to start.” Jame’s smile is almost wickedly cruel. 

Remus

“Hey Pup,” Remus smiles softly when Teddy comes running out of the doors, he lets Teddy hook onto his belt loop and runs a hand through his hair. He was exhausted. 

“Remmy!” Teddy beams up at him, his backpack was open and Remus tugs at the zipper until it’s closed. 

“Ready to go?”

“What about Miss Lilly?” Teddy tugs Remus towards the door where Lilly is gathering Harry into her arms and ushering other children towards their parents. 

“She looks busy Pup, come on lets beat the traffic.” As he begins to tug Teddy away Lilly looks up and locks eyes with him. He has to look away almost instantly, there’s the burning embarrassment creeping up his neck and the sick feeling pooling in his stomach. He feels like a little kid trying to hide his bedding in the back of his car again. 

“Remus!” She calls over everyone and he slips his hand into Teddy’s now, moving them back towards the gate. 

“Sorry we have to go,” Remus calls over his shoulder, pushing his cane hard into the ground, she looks like she might cry, she’s trying to move towards them, but more and more kids keep them apart. 

“Remmy?” Teddy tries to tug him back and Remus looks down at him before shaking his head, hand reaching for the coded lock that kept the gate shut, he punches in his pin and slips Teddy and himself through before bee lining for his car. His phone begins to ring, he knows it’s Lilly but he just can’t right now, he needs to get the both of them home, he needs to go to bed. “Remmy?” Teddy asks again, big eyes blinking up at him, bottom lip wobbling. “Fight?” Remus all but crumbles. 

“No buddy,” he helps Teddy into the carseat, pulling his seatbelt down and clipping it into place, “I’m just. Just tired yeah?” He closes the door, slips into the drivers seat, rests his chin on the wheel for a moment. “What do you want for dinner?” Remus pulls himself up right, snaps his seatbelt on, turns the car on, focuses on being a built and well put together human being. 

“Remmy wrong?” Teddy asks, Remus pulls out of the parking lot shakes his head a few times. 

“No pup,” he turns on Bowie again, lets it fill the car with warmth, “I just, said some things I shouldn’t have.” He worries at his bottom lip, fingers restless on the wheel. 

“We can make a card? Explain emotions better,” though it comes out as plain motion. Remus feels his tired smile climbing back onto his face and he lets his shoulders release their tension. 

“Yeah we can, we can do that pup.” And then, “thanks.” Teddy’s smile is big and he kicks his legs out in front of him. 

“Macaroni,” he says, though it comes out as maroni. 

“Sure pup.” He says then, and turns the radio up a bit more. 

Sirius

He knows that Regulus is the one who’s walked through the door when James springs up from the balcony chair and runs back inside. 

“Peter you better be done setting this up.” Sirius calls pushing the trolley back into the lounge room, he’s met with Regulus and James already locked together on the couch, Regulus pressed into the couch below James. He doesn’t say anything. Not a thing, doesn’t even protest to the fact that it’s his baby brother James is on top of. Behind them Evan is already pouring drinks from the alarmingly big bag the four of them had just brought in, he’s still in his uniform; cropped black shirt, fishnet sleeves and ripped jeans, and his boyfriend - Barty, dressed almost exactly the same apart from the dark green bandana slung over one shoulder - is chatting to Peter and gesturing vaguely to the side of his neck. Dorcas is turning on the stereo, her emerald green velvet slip on dress a startling difference to the otherwise dark room. Marlene is up on the kitchen counter nodding along and listening to Peter and prodding at his supplies. She has a green kiss pressed against her cheek. Pandora is knelt in front of the table pulling out cards a very excited Luna sat in her lap grabbing at the crystals that follow. Sirius frowns. 

“Where’s Lilly and Mary?” He asks, Dorcas looks over her shoulder then, pans over the room seeming to count heads before she’s frowning. 

“Thought she was already here.” She looks to Pandora who shrugs and presses card into Luna’s hands. 

“Rain,” is all Panda says before she’s focussed back on her daughter. 

“Sirius if you don’t hop up on this bar now Barty’s taking your slot.” Peter calls absently and Sirius throws himself between the two. Dorcas finally settles on a playlist - Queen - before she’s snatching a drink from Evan. 

“Finally good fucking alcohol.” She kisses his cheek before snaking an arm around her girlfriend and Sirius looses himself in the noise. 

The Brightest Star:

Hey running late???

Red herring:

Yeah sorry babes!

Start without us!!

“Oh come on Reg!” Evan yells, “just one kiss, get it out of my system.” Sirius snatches his head up to look at the three of them on the couch. Regulus is now sat in James’ lap, a drink in one hand and a arm protectively around James shoulders. 

“Evan I will skin you.” Regulus warns, Barty’s laughing as he crashes into the couch next to them. 

“Okay, but you’d get to kiss Barty.” Evan protests, Sirius catches on quickly. 

“Barty was my first kiss.” Regulus swipes at Evan. 

“Okay, you sure you’re ready?” Peter asks, looking down at him, Sirius hums and relaxes a little when he feels Marlene grab onto his hand. As much as he loved tattoos, as much as he loved his tattoos, and trusted Pete he never got over the nerves or the pain. In fact he had quite a weak pain tolerance. Go figure. “Okay then.” There’s the sound of buzzing and then the sting of the needle along his back and he hisses, James whoops and everything slowly fades away.

Remus

There’s a knocking on the front door of his apartment. Which is odd because there’s never knocking on his front door. Teddy, lost in his own world of macaroni and cheese and more colourful markers than Remus knew the names too, doesn’t notice. Slowly he gets up from the old threaded couch running his hand through Teddy’s hair on the way to the front door. He peers through the peephole and instantly his stomach rolls. His hands shake as he slides the key into the door and swings it open just enough for him to slip out and still be able to see Teddy. Lilly’s face is bright red and puffy and Remus doesn’t know what to say. 

“I’m not ashamed of you Remus, I have never once in all the time I’ve known you been ashamed of you, and I never will. There’s nothing that you could do to make me feel that way. My uni friends are just not… Remus people. They’re loud and drunks, high more often than not and they all have city night life jobs, clubs and bar tenders and, and if you really, really want to meet them you can, but I just never thought they were your style of crowd. I didn’t know I was making you feel this way, like some, some nasty secret I’m keeping. I don’t want you to ever have to feel that way again, I don't want you to think I’m like your parents.” Lilly blurts out in one breath, her eyes look glassy and and her lower lip trembles a little. She’s been picking at her nailbeds, Remus can see the raw skin. 

“Lil’s-”

“No, no Remus, I should have communicated better, I should have introduced you at the very beginning, I’ve made such a mess, you’re right, there are two sides of my life, but they’re both, they’re both very important to me. But you’re more important. You can come with me tonight, I’d like you too. Mary and Harry are in the car downstairs, Teddy has someone to play with, please,” Lilly digs her hands together in front of her, she’s wearing the same green skirt she was those few years back. She looked nice, Remus always appreciated how well put together she presented even when she was falling apart. 

“You don’t have to offer, I’m not mad Lilly.” Remus says softly, head cranning to look back at Teddy, he shuffles the door a little more closed. “I’m not mad at you, I don’t know why I said those things - well, okay yeah I do, I was in a mood. You have your friends, I have Ted’s and you. It’s fine.” It’s not fine, he’s been thinking about it for ages now. It’s consuming too much space in his head but he doesn’t want to cause a scene. It was never fine, he was never fine, he was an all consuming beast taking up life. Lilly was allowed her own life, and he knew, he knew she loved him. Her heart was much bigger than him though. “We’re okay.” Lilly looks unconvinced, lips pressed thinly together, Remus doesn’t have much more to say so he pulls her tight and lets her grab at him until he can feel the shake in her body leave.“We’re okay.” He repeats. 

“I’m sor-” God he hated that word. 

“You’re going to be late Lil’s. And Teddy needs a bath, enjoy your night yeah?” Remus forces a smile on his face, kisses her forehead and tucks himself back into his small apartment making sure the doors locked and that he can hear her heels click down the stairs before he makes his way to the bathroom. 

Monster. His brain screeches as he closes the door behind him. The reflection in the mirror greats him with an eerie sense of panic. He’s  staring too long, he’s noticed it again. The crisscross scars running down his face, the busted one down his lip, his fathers going away gift. They never healed right. Slowly his shoulders sag. His cheeks are hollow, black smudges lingering under his eyes, there’s freckles smudged under the scars if you looked hard enough. He never did. Fucking disgrace, repent, REPENT NOW. Pray for your sins, and let god forgive and heal you. He’s staring for too long, he’s noticing them all, if he pulled his jumper just a little to the left - his hands move at their own accord, and yes, there it was, and yes, there it still stung. His fingertips graze over the burnt cross pressed against his shoulder, another gift, from when he was much younger. He’s staring for too long, he can feel it, his fathers hands on him, his mothers vacant stares, the words of worship, the church's cool pews. He can feel himself turning into the beast his father had warned him about all those years again, can hear his mother telling him he’s going to consume everything he ever touched until nothing but ash was left, he’s staring too-

“Remmy?” Teddy’s small voice calls from the otherside of the door. Remus snatches his eyes away from the reflection. 

“Sorry Pup,” he’s quick to find the doorknob, yanking it open and crouching down to Teddy’s eye level. “Sorry, you okay?” Teddy’s eyes widen a little and he nods slowly. 

“Finished.” His hands are painted in vibrant blues and purples and Remus smiles softly. 

“Good job Pup,” Remus’ smile is warm despite the cold feeling settling into his bones. 

Sirius

“LIL’S!” Sirius’ voice is much louder than he remembers it being, but that might just be the shots they did a little bit ago. He has another glass of fireball in his hands and he runs up to Lilly pulling her tight into a hug. “You made it!” 

“When I said start without me I didn’t think I said get drunk without me” She laughs pulling Harry over to where Pandora and Evan were chatting with Luna between them. 

“Loony!” Harry says happily climbing up onto the couch with the help of Evan, “thank you uncle Evan.” Harry says very seriously before pulling at Luna’s hands whose smile was bigger and bigger by the second. Sirius smiles at the four of them before turning back to Lilly. 

“Mm I need to ask-”

“Not before a drink.” Lilly pushes past him tugging Mary along and into the kitchen. Sirius groans turning to follow after them. James was currently bugging Peter for a tattoo and Regulus was next to him up on the counter, a needle in his hands giving Barty yet another stick and poke. Sirius taps Lilly’s shoulders a few too many times. 

“Lil’s, Lil’s, Lil’s-”

“Oh for Godricks- yes Sirius. What on earth can I do for you?” She spins quickly, forgetting her glass and instead drinking straight from the bottle of midori Dorcas had brought. 

“What’s the deal with your brother?” Sirius blurts, he might have had a few too many drinks. 

“ Excuse me? ” She snaps, straightening her back. Regulus looks over then, needle forgotten much to Barty’s protests. 

“Sirius leave work at work, you’re at a party.” Regulus snaps but Sirius can barely hear him.

“No, no no not like that,” was his words slurring? It felt like like they were slurring. “Well kind of like that-”

“Sirius I am not in the mood for this.” She snaps pushing past him and stealing a cigarette off the dinning table pushing onto the balcony. He follows her. 

“It’s just that he’s still doing the same intern shit he’s been doing. Ever since you asked me to hire him,” her shoulders tense and Sirius frowns. “And like, what’s with that. He has a brilliant mind, he could really go somewhere with it, but no matter what promotion I throw at him, he doesn’t want it.”

“Oh my godrick,” Lilly mutters under her breath shaking her head, she manages to blow smoke in his face before he realises she might actually be upset with him. That doesn’t stop him. 

“Does he not think he’s good enough or something? What more do I need to do to prove that?” He pleads finishing his drink which she tops up almost instantly. Her green eyes are piercing as they take in his face. She sighs then. 

“Sirius, Babes, if there’s something you don’t know about Remus John Lupin, then it’s going to have to stay that way until he tells you. I keep telling you this.” Sirius stares into the green liquid in his cup, a frown on his face, his entire body felt hot. 

“Right, okay right I obviously know that, but I want him as more than some intern. What do I have to do to make that happen? You wanted me to hire him, I did. Now you have to help me, I don’t know how to make him happy in this company!” Lilly’s eyes harden and Sirius takes a step back. 

“Has it maybe crossed your mind that he is happy where he is?” And Sirius freezes for that of a second before the liquid is pulling his mouth open. 

“He can’t be.” 

“Sirius! Mate no talking about work at a party, come on Pete’s getting shots ready,” James falls into the balcony and Sirius has to laugh when he almost falls onto his ass. “LILLY!” James clings onto her and Lilly begins to laugh. 

“You snitch.” Sirius says a little later when he finds Regulus curled up in an armchair a sleeping Luna in his arms, Harry asleep curled into his side. The others were in the kitchen dancing poorly. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Regulus tilts his chin up, he seemed the most sober out of all of them. 

“You sent your boyfriend after me.” Sirius mutters, falls back until his head is in Regulus’ lap and just stares at the ceiling. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Regulus repeats. 

“ Reggie .” 

“Okay yes, but in my defence you’re drunk, and have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sirius frowns at him, he looked odd upside down. Regulus rolls his eyes, “Sirius it’s a party, not work. You obsessing over this even when drunk almost makes you sound like you’re in love with him.” Sirius chokes on his drink and Regulus gingerly pats his back. “Have you tried, I don’t know. Actually asking him what he wants, instead of going behind his back and talking to his sister?” Sirius pouts. 

“But I…” 

“Pull people apart without knowing them?” Regulus raises an eyebrow. 

“You and James talk too much.” Sirius groans. 

“It’s almost like we’re dating,” Regulus pulls a mock shocked expression. “Come on help me get these too in bed before the idiots over there wake them up.” Regulus cups Luna’s head closer to his shoulder and Sirius stumbles upright to pull his godson into his arms. 

“You’d be a good dad,” Sirius mutters, Regulus looks at him for a long time. 

“I had a good role model.” Sirius can feel his eyes water and Regulus hurries off rolling his eyes. 

“Okay okay enough jello shots, someone come let me read their tarot.” Pandora’s voice fills the air. They had started a fire a little under an hour ago the music turned down after a complaint from Sirius’ neighbour. Instead of dancing they were curled up in the living room tucked into couches and armchairs and other peoples laps. Pandora was sat in front of the fire, cards spread on the coffee table and was lighting candles. 

“Panda last time you read mine I got broken up with.” Dorcas says, “I’m not letting that happen again.” She curls her hand around Marlene’s thigh who was smiling at her like she brought the sun up each morning, she had taken a hit of the weed Barty was passing around earlier and getting Marlene to stop laughing after it was almost impossible. Regulus and James were liplocked - again much to Sirius’ distaste - and Evan and Lilly were having a rather heated conversation about… well something or rather it was getting harder to hear. Barty had Luna in his arms rocking her slowly after she had woken up and climbed back down the stairs to them, and Mary was brewing tea in the kitchen with Peter. 

“Do mine,” Sirius dares dropping in front of the table and staring at the cards. Pandora claps her hands excitedly.

“Porridge,” she says suddenly frowning. 

“Porridge?” He asks, eyebrow raised.

“Yes, porridge, do you have any?” He shakes his head slowly, “you should get some. It’s good for the… well. It’s good.” She shakes her hands over the table and then scoops her cards up. “What do you want to know?” She smiles politely shuffling the cards a few times. He hadn’t actually thought this far ahead. 

“Just tell me how this year ends for me.” He says after a minute, eyes hungrily watching her move cards across the table. 

“Oh, that’s unfortunate.” Pandora says, frowning at a card. Sirius tries to make sense of it, “oh that’s a bit better,” Pandora hums, “and, well, that is interesting . Definitely in need of porridge.” Sirius stares at the cards absently, Mary climbs over him to get to Lilly and Evan but not before she huffs at the cards. 

“Good luck Siri,” she mutters pointing to a card with swords on it. Regulus has pulled himself away from James long enough to pay attention Pete settling on the edge of the armchair offering James a cup of coffee. Peter never got more than slightly tipsy at these things. Sirius had asked him about it a while ago and he had explained he didn’t like the shakes it gave him the next morning. Instead he was always the one making sure they were still somewhat sober. Sirius blinks at Pandora waiting patiently. 

“Ten of swords,” Pandora says pushing it forward to him, “means of course, betrayal. More specifically being stabbed in the back. But as you’re not dualing anyone anytime soon I say betrayal,” James snorts from the armchair and Regulus hits his chest. “It most likely means the end of a relationship between two parties, whatever this person has done to you Sirius, it’s almost unforgivable. You must remember to stay strong.” She pushes another card forward. “Ace of cups!” She smiles, “points towards that of new love.” Peter whoops. 

“Finally!” James laughs and Pandora flicks a card at him.

“Best pray that wasn’t the tower,” she warns but that doesn’t stop her from laughing herself. “It can mean romantic, platonic, passionate, or all three, but it always means good change, something new and wonderful to love entering your life.” 

“Could use some of that,” he mutters taking a sip from his glass, Lilly looks over then, her conversation with Evan fading away. Pandora tilts her head slowly and pushes the last card towards him.

“The moon.” She says tapping the card a few times, “reversed is unpleasant, but fortunately for you it’s upright.” The tension in his shoulders eases, “means a difficult period of time will pass, interestingly it was pulled after the betrayal and after the love. Which means all three instances are different. But this period will be clouded with mental confusion and hidden secrets as well as fear of the end. It’s best to be open during this time, it might leave way for a happy ending if not it will end in misunderstanding.” Pandora taps the card a few more times, “your future looks challenging, but if you remain strong and true to yourself it’s going to work out Sirius,” Pandora smiles kindly and Sirius can only blink slowly at the three cards, what on earth was he getting himself into?

“ME!” Marlene squeals hopping down next to Sirius and Pandora laughs gathering up the cards again.

Chapter Text

Remus

Sirius Black was 30 minutes late. 

Remus didn’t know if this was a normal occurrence or not, but either way it was another strike as to why he detests the man. He stares at the ornate clock on the other side of the room, watching the hands turn around themselves. He should be at his desk, beating his deadline. He should be monitoring the online portal, he needed to publish his recent article on the mental health impacts on queer youth. Lily had read it early when he still felt comfortable enough to exist around her. She had cried over it and told him she was so proud of him. And now, now he wasn’t sure if that was even true. He knows logically it was, it had to be. But the hole had only grown in his chest rather than shrunk, he could feel it clawing at his insides, the lack of trust in himself, the lack of humanity he had left. He could feel it like black smog, a friday the 13th, a full moon and black cat.

“I’m so sorry, he’s running a bit late,” Narcissa Black enters the office where Remus is still sat, he hasn’t moved, not once, his hand curled around his cane, his back up against the couch. Sirius’ office was nothing like he expected it to be and yet he hadn't paid much mind to it, hadn’t looked around. He wasn’t that kind of person, well, not anymore at least. “Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? I know it’s a little early but something stronger?” She has her hands clasped together and a daring look on her face and Remus manages to laugh, he thinks that’s the right thing to do. 

“No, I’m quite fine, thank you.” She smiles politely and turns to leave and Remus lets his mouth open yet again, “do you know how long he’ll be?” She pulls her lower lip between her teeth a look of distress on her face, the first sign that she was actually human Remus has seen all morning. 

“Well, I can’t actually get ahold of him, but I called his brother and he should be on his way,” she runs a hand through her hair and then gives him a look. “I can assure you he’s not normally like this, he’s never been late before.” Remus provides a polite smile in response and her brows draw together a little, “he really has never been late before. This is, well, strange.”

“If he’s not here soon I’ll have to reschedule, I’m sorry. My deadlines at 6.” Something flashes across her face, Remus can’t quite grasp it. It reminds him of Lily in a way. 

“I’ll call him again,” she assures him and hurries back out of the room. Remus sighs and tilts his head back until it hits the lip of the couch. Having read his articles, seen his press realises and interviews, the photos the court hearings, one would think Sirius Black to be this big anarchy rebel, someone without care, though he cared a lot, someone who didn’t care what others would think did whatever he pleased in a nonchalant way. Having been raised a noble, it would have rubbed off some kind of royal taste. But his office said a different thing entirely, instead of it being black and dim, filled with leather and silk and expensive paintings, the finest of things, it was bright, each and every curtain open, the London sun streaming in and doing it’s best to illuminate. The curtains, instead of black, like some might think, maybe even green, are a bright red, golden rope tying them off to the side. The roof of his office is almost domed, a black sky painted there, white stars and moons dotted about, it looked hand painted and Remus has to wander if he had done it himself. His desk was off to a corner, instead of in the very middle of the room, instead stood the couch which he was sat on (a soft warn dark red velvet) some armchairs (in likeness of the couch) and a small coffee table. On this coffee table there were what looked like kid paintings, in fact to his left there was an entire collage of children like paintings, mixed with pieces that looked like they belonged in a gallery - to Remus’ belief they were probably from a gallery - framed in every kind of frame you could imagine. He must have kids then, Remus lets his eyes roam. He had what looked like a impressive book collection but he doesn’t get up to read the titles, what was lain in front of him meant it was supposed to be looked at, but things tucked away in a bookcase or a desk, that was breaching a line. 

Older sister magic:

Hey darling, are we still on for rupaul?

Younger brother mischief:

Raincheck?

Older sister magic is typing…

Absently he scrolls up to the photos Lily had sent him last night, no doubt a sign of drunken remorse. Lily talked about her friends all of the time, Remus had just never met any of them, didn’t know their faces or their stories, or their hobbies. Just fun anecdotes that Lily would smile brightly through telling him. And it wasn’t that Remus was scared they’d replace him, they very well may, but that wasn’t his call to make. No he was scared that his father had been right, that he was a beast, something god regretted. Something to be ashamed off. He was worried that his mother was right as well. She had always treated him with kindness, even when his father did everything in his power to stop her, said that he was the brightest thing in both of their lives, but after… well. After, she had switched up, had taken back her kindness and made sure her words would instead be imprinted into his very soul. That he would suck the life out of every person he met, just like he had done to them. That he was cruel beyond belief and he would be better off… 

It wasn’t that he wasn’t cruel, he had his moments, outbursts of rage that he just couldn’t control when he was younger. Moments of desperation that lead to stupid decisions, periods where he went months without talking, instead blocking out everyone and everything. He knew his actions were cruel , but he worked hard , harder than most, harder than he should have to , to be better , to be more than what his parents thought, prayed, envisioned him to be. But maybe it wasn’t hard enough, maybe they had been right, maybe he was sucking the life out of Lily, burdening her, taking too much space in her memory. 

Older sister magic:

Call me? 

Younger brother mischief:

Waiting on a meeting, later if I have time?

Older sister magic:

Okay! <3

There was definitely some truth to his father’s words. 

He gets up, the clock ticking over to 8:47, he can’t sit here anymore, can’t think, doesn’t want to think. He pushes past the doors and Narcissa jumps up. 

“He’s just-”

“It’s fine,” he smiles, “can I reschedule?”

“Yes, yes of course.” She looks almost defeated and Remus doesn’t know what to say to make her feel better.

“Is he available this afternoon? Or would next week work better?” He leans all his body weight onto his cane, stares over the desk as she flips open a planner. Remus watches as she crosses out a name and time, highlights something in a different journal and pulls out a post-it-note jotting down something he can’t read upside down as she wrote in cursive. 

“He is now, I’ll just bump some people down to now, since his morning was clear, does 5:30 sound okay?” She’s frowning at her planner, hands moving quickly to her keyboard and then looks up at him expectantly.

“Perfect.” 

Sirius

“You sodding Idiot!” Narcissa is the first thing he hears as he walks out of the elevator, and to be fair she might not actually be yelling, maybe that was the hangover. “What is wrong with you?” No, that was yelling. He blinks into the bright room slowly trying to put together what he had done wrong, he was only an hour late, and it was his first offence. Bella had her arms crossed snickering in front of his office door. “Do you know how hard I work, we work to make sure you’re never late to an appointment? A meeting? How hard I work to make sure nothing happens to your reputation! Sirius? Your meeting waited almost an hour for you!”

“I’m sorry?” He presses his fingers into his temple, slides the sunglasses up his face. 

“Are you hungover?” She screeches. “Oh my Salazar! You are aren’t you? What on earth is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how this looks from an outsiders perspective? Black Stars lead director and creator late to work due to not being able to handle his alcohol. You’re a moron Sirius Black.” Bella’s laughing and he glares at her.

“You tell him Cissa,” Narcissa spins on the spot pointing at her. 

“You’re no better!” Bella holds up her hands. 

“No look, Sirius is there, he’s late, hungover-”

“So are you!” Narcissa falls back into her chair and presses her hands together. “You both are impossible and narcissists, Sirius collect your schedule,” she dumps a fat pile of folders and pages onto the desk, “Bella, just, don’t murder anyone. I need Andy.” She stands, neatens her blazar. “I hope you both get alcohol poisoning.” She storms off towards the stairs, takes two down and then pops back in. “I don’t, that was mean. I love you both. But clean up your bloody act. Sirius if you’re ever late to another meeting I will have you babysit Draco alone.” She storms back down the stairs. Sirius looks to Bella mouth open, she spins a circle with her pointer around her head. 

“So,” she sing-songs coming to lean up against the counter whilst Sirius pages through Narcissa’s writing, she had a computer, and a printer and yet she preferred to write everything by hand, another reason why she worked behind a desk instead of a screen. “Where’d you end up?” Bella pops her face into her hands smiling wickedly at him. He scoffs. 

“Bathroom floor.” She cackles and he raises an eyebrow. “Where’d you end up?”

“In someone named Rodolphus. Mother would be proud, he was a noble. Found that out when I woke up to someone ironing my shirt.” She drags her nails across the counter, “next time I’m drunk, make sure I get with some low life. Nobles are boring in bed.” He laughs then.

“Only if you carry me up the stairs.” She holds out her hand and he clasps it in his own before heading to his office. 

When he’s sat in one of the armchairs he finally looks at Narcissa's pages properly. Things had been moved around, he traces the scratched out lines and post-it-notes, dots in a few details and notes of his own, flips through a few more pages and has to frown at a name that’s been crossed out, the name that he missed this morning.

R̶e̶m̶u̶s̶ ̶J̶ ̶L̶u̶p̶i̶n̶ ̶-̶ ̶8̶a̶m̶,̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶r̶e̶g̶a̶r̶d̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶m̶p̶l̶o̶y̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶

It’s adorned with a red sticky note - which meant she was more than angry with him - that read ‘bloody sodding moron’. He traces the name before flipping a few more pages hastily. Surely he hadn’t missed his one chance at closure? To figure out this enigma of a man? He flips to the last page, eyes tracing down the list. 

Remus J Lupin - 5:30pm, in regards to his employment here. (Do NOT mess this one up) (I’ll quit if you do)

Sirius smiles, circling the appointment. He can feel a sort of ease in his body, a calmness in his mind, something that hadn’t been there since his first offer got rejected. The people at his company, the people who he worked with, the friends he worked with. Were  more than important to him. Anything he could do to help them, help anyone who needed it, is what drove him to this line of business. The minute he had Regulus back into his arms the night he ran away, was the calmest he had ever felt. Watching as he broke down in tears on the way back to the Potter’s, to home, filled him with a purpose. 

When he was invited to Narcissa’s wedding the day she turned 18, to be married off to some noble Malfoy he felt that feeling of sick dread all over again, the same feeling he had the night he left Regulus. He and Narcissa were always close, closer than he was with Andy and Bella at least, watching her walk down an isle in a white wedding dress, in a room full of strangers, nearly broke him. He had to leave when the vows came and she was crying. He worked hard, harder than he should have at the time to find some loop around to no avail, there was nothing he could do and that sick feeling of helplessness stayed with him. When Draco came into the picture, he was just starting at his company, had just barely graduated highschool, that’s when the first letter had arrived. A baby photo and a small note from Narcissa, Thinking of you and the amazing things you’re doing. I’m glad one of us got out. Love always, N.M  He had booked a day trip to Wiltshire and requested a meeting with Lucius that day . Used every tactic his mother had ever taught him, the blackmailing, the threatening, the bribing, the not quite pleading but more so implying. After what was the longest meeting in his life at the time he helped Narcissa pack her and Draco’s bags and they left. 

When Andy had turned up at his door one day with nothing but the ragged dress she was wearing, just after Narcissa had gotten settled into her own place, he took her in as well, didn’t let her go, not once. Helped bandage the scars and wounds along her back, helped her find her way, her own way, not the Black’s way, but whoever Andromeda Black was. When Bella had stopped by to check on her sisters - at the request of Druella - and never really left, no matter the letters sent to their home, he was more than proud. When they were struggling to figure out what they were meant to do now in life, he offered them a place with him, and after moving them through nearly every department he found their spots. 

That feeling of dread and sick eased up, his life made sense. He was meant to help people, to help break the chain, he was meant to make it known that these things were happening in hopes of a brighter future. That these things existed even if the door was closed, he was meant to get these children, these war born children out. 

It wasn’t until their graduation from highschool that he realised the picture was bigger. So much bigger than what he thought. It wasn’t just the kids raised in bad homes, raised in trade off homes, war prone homes, noble homes that ended up like they did. You didn’t need trauma or hardship or unloving parents for there to be something wrong, something bad taking up your life. He didn’t even know what the signs were meant to look like. But after graduation he had researched, did a bridge course into mental health studies before studying business, and had implemented that into his life as well. He hired people to write articles about the impacts of mental health, write medical journals and helplines, gather as much information as possible, and when it didn’t fit the theme of his ‘Burning Walburga’s Reputation To The Fucking Ground’ plan, he created the online portal, a place for all these resources and helplines to go. All this information he had started to gather since highschool, the statistics, the symptoms, people’s living stories, he created a foundation of help for those who had no where else to go. As much as he would have loved to bust through every home that had suffering people and steal them away, it wasn’t possible, but if he could give those the strength to help themselves, that was more than enough. 

So when he found himself hiring people, or finding the right space for them in his company, he made sure it was the best for them. That it would bring out whatever talent they had, that the pay would match whatever struggle they were going through. And for the last three years that he had been doing this, he had thrived. Remus John Lupin was the only outlier to this equation, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t figure out what Remus’ struggle was, what it was that made him him. He only knew his talents were wasted on monitoring an online portal and writing occasionally. 

He was going to figure him out. 

Remus

“Hang on sorry.” Remus’ hands fly over the keyboard as he shoves the phone under his ear. “I’m uploading…”

“Take your time.” Lily’s warm voice fills the line and he relaxes for a second, he had already read, re-read, edited and re-edited it at least ten times now, but he still felt like something was wrong with it. It was fact checked, proofed and he sent it to Alice for her input, the only coming about being ‘ Your title needs work, stop picking boring things ‘article 3.7 of Mental Health Impacts on the Youth’, your work is more than that.’ A later email followed ‘ Mental health of queer youth and how it could be impacting you’ and then a follow up follow up of ‘ A look into the queer youth mental health with Remus J Lupin.’ He had fixed it to then read ‘ A insiders look into the mental health impact on Queer youth and what you can do about it with Moony’ To which she emailed back more than enough hearts. After he uploads it he then needed to send it out to every school on their mailing list, which - thanks to both him and Alice - was quite long. 

“I don’t want to do this.” Remus says staring at the upload button. 

“You say that every time.” Lily laughs, “push the button Lupin.” He does, then sets his computer to sleep, picks up his cane and heads to the roof. 

“Okay, I’m settled what’s up?” It’s raining again and he hovers under the awning. 

“I just wanted to make sure last night didn’t upset you.” Lily says honestly and Remus closes his eyes. 

“It didn’t.” He digs in his pocket for his cigarettes, his hands shake when he goes to light one. 

“Okay, well, that’s good. If I believed you.” Remus can’t help it, he snorts. 

“Sod off.” He lets his back hit the wall, sliding down until he’s sat on the concrete. 

“Was it because I was drunk?” She asks. “Because I’m like that all the time, well not all the time, but at least once a fortnight-”

“It’s because I made you feel like you had to apologise.” He stares absently at the puddles forming. “Because those texts last night were an apology.” He can hear Lily take a deep breath. 

“Okay, yeah, they kind of were. But, Remus it’s like I said, you’re important to me. And my other friends are too, I wouldn’t mind these two words combining.” Remus drags the smoke deep into his lungs. “I just, I just have to wait.” Remus frowns.

“Wait?”

“Something has to happen first, I’ve. I’ve made a mistake, and keeping these things in boxes, aspects of my life in boxes meant I could run from it, I didn’t think I would be running for this long.” Lily sounds far away and Remus’ frown deepens. 

“Are you in… trouble?” She laughs then. 

“Not yet, it’s nothing bad. Don’t stress about it. I just have to wait. Last night, I never. I’ve never been that drunk before. I get fun, tipsy, whatever, I don’t get smashed. Not like that, but I thought everything was unravelling, and I coped unhealthily and now I’m babbling. I thought the boxes had fallen apart. It’s fine, I’m fine Rem’s really, just have to wait a bit longer is all.” Remus blows out smoke, watches it swirl up into the rain. 

“Okay.” Remus nods to himself, she sounded almost hopeful. He doesn’t let the thoughts get caught up. 

“Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, I have to get back, Sybil can’t watch my class all day. Good luck with your meeting.” She’s smiling, Remus can tell and that sets him at ease instantly. 

“Bye Lil’s.”

“Bye Rem’s.” 

A insiders look into the mental health impact on Queer youth and what you can do about it with Moony

More than 150 million people in Europe alone struggle with continued effects of mental health, the signs and symptoms will vary, as does the severity. 150 million people . In one continent alone. Statistically speaking each and every person on earth will experience a bout or moment of mental health struggles, anxiety, depression, ptsd, some form of unpleasant and life altering chemistry. However, not every person experiences that ongoing. The last time you had a terrible day, it may have affected your mood, your life for a small period of time, a week, a few days, it may have felt like everything was helpless, falling apart around you. But you were able to recover, it didn’t alter your life, just a period of it. For 150 million people in Europe, the duration is much longer. Repeating that week of mental struggle for months, years, their entire lifetime. This statistic is then ran through surveys to reveal that 26% of queer youth are more at risk of experiencing this longer period. That’s 10% more likely than none queer youth. Another study quotes that 3.7% of Europe identify as queer, which may not seem like a lot but when you run that through calculations it reveals that 27,454,000 of Europe's population are queer. Further calculations provides us with out of those 27,454,000 people 7,138,040 struggle with long term mental illness. 

And I could keep going, keep spouting statistics and calculations at you, and you could keep reading them, however dear reader, we’d get nowhere. You won’t memorise them, I won’t achieve anything, and this time we spent together reading and writing, would be pointless. So. My point stands at this;

When statistics are this high, when the number is nearly double, when feelings like everything is pointless, helpless, not important, simply because you are queer, when you’re already ostracised for simply existing they no longer remain statistics. They become wounds, notes and goodbyes, they become dangerous, terrible things. As much as we would all love to preach love thy neighbour, and fight for world peace, we are still struggling as a humanity, as a world of being to find kindness for those different to ourselves. When the statistics are this high, we need to talk strategy, we need to let them, us, you, know that we have their back, we need each other to know that there is help. We don’t want these numbers jumping, we want them gone, we don’t want to say goodbye to loved ones because Billy cut his hair and Samantha grew her’s out, we don’t want to have to bury our daughters and sons and children because Jessica loves Paige and Xander was a they. We need not only awareness to be brought out but a plan  set in place, a knowing reference to symptoms that might seem subtle. We need change . And so with this article, dear reader, I present a battle plan against statiscally nonsense… 

Sirius

He stares at his screen, scrolling back up and reading the statistics printed there. This, all of this, this was the exact reason that he knew Remus was in the wrong place. That he could do more. This article alone, his voice, it was important, it was more important than monitoring a webpage. He was already getting emails back from schools about how moved they were, how the next teacher assembly they’d be fine combing through the laid out plan and finding a way to implement it into their schools. Narcissa was already on call with a school requesting a meeting with Remus to lend a hand with the queer program, Sirius was in no doubt that he would deny. He strums his fingers across the desk reading again the statistics. He always hated that part, the having to know, having to face how dark and cruel the world was, how hard it would be to tear it all down and fix it all. It was a constant reminder that things were in fact bad. 

Prongsie:

Coffee break! Come get a coffee break1! EXTRA HOT! 

Pads:

youre ridiculous

literally running to my bike now 

“Where are you going?” Narcissa asks as soon as he’s passed his office doors, he can’t help but jump. 

“Jesus Cissa,” he groans. “Put a bell on yourself yeah?” He turns to look at her, Bellatrix is nowhere to be seen. “Coffee break.” Her face softens ever so slightly and she looks up to the clock behind her desk. 

“Tell Reggie I say hi, and bring me back a chai latte.” She turns back to her desk and sits down, “and if you’re late for your meeting with Mr. Lupin this afternoon you can find my two weeks notice on your desk, and my two weeks of paternal leave, both of which will be approved by Andy.” She’s not even looking at him and he can still feel her glaring. 

“Got it.” He calls the elevator and waves before the doors slam shut. 

“Pads!” James smiles brightly as he walks through the door, Regulus is already sitting on a stool by the counter head in hand, book open below him. 

“Prongs!” He says just as happily before sitting next to Regulus, “Cissa says hello.” He can see the twinge of a smile of Regulus face. 

“What are you after?” James was currently drying a mug, a bright red towel in his hands. Sirius looks up to the menu for a moment. 

“No clue, actually, something sweet?” James nods jotting something down and sticking it onto a cup. “Oh and Narcissa would like a Chai latte, my livelihood relies on it.” James laughs then. 

“Taking my break!” James calls over his shoulder before placing the mug down, “Reg what do want?”

“Black, 9 shots.” Sirius sputters. 

“Godrick, just do meth.” Regulus flips him off absently turning a page. 

“Have a meeting today,” Sirius says, hands curled around his cup as they walk through the park, orange leaves cover the ground, James can’t help but step on any that look like they might make a crunch. 

“Unlike any other day you work.” Regulus says. Sirius knocks their shoulders. 

“It’s with Remus.” James spins then.

“I told you to-”

“He set it up.” Sirius cuts him off, “he initiated it, I know I wasn’t allowed to set the meeting up myself. It was for 8am.”  Sirius takes another sip of his coffee, it tasted like caramel.

“That’s why Narcissa called me,” Regulus frowns, “you were late to a meeting? She must have been in a fit.”

“I missed the meeting.” James walks up to him and prods at his face. 

“Not a hologram.” James says.

“Maybe Bella raised him from the dead?” Regulus sticks his fingers to Sirius’ pulse. “Still beating.” 

“Are ghosts meant to be this lifelike?” James asks, sharing a very serious look of concern with Regulus. 

“Sod off,” Sirius swats at them, “Bella was also late, I got off easy.”

“I’m messaging her.” Regulus says pulling out his phone, “ you made a mistake, he still lives- ”

“DO NOT!” Sirius laughs snatching the phone out of his hand and raising it above his head. Regulus doesn’t even try to jump for it just pouts at James. James then proceeds to jump onto Sirius’ back and they almost go crashing to the ground, “get off!” Sirius laughs, and in a fit of desperation he lets them both drop to the ground. 

“You wanker!” James laughs, he’s landed on his back coffee spilt all down his front, Sirius’ cup is on it’s side but he manages to save most of it. Regulus crouches down to stare at them both before picking his phone up and continues to walk down the path. 

Remus

Sirius Black is late. 

Again. By one minute so far, but Remus is one to hold onto grudges. He lets out a sigh and loosens his grip on the cane. Definitely always late then.  

“ Get in there!”

“Love you too Cissa-” The door swings wide open revealing Sirius Black. 

Remus can’t help but to stare. 

In all of the photo shoots he’s seen, never once has the lighting caught how full of life he actually was, bright eyes, his lips tinged pink, a flush in his face, even when he wasn’t smiling his facial expression still looked inviting. He’s dressed in a queen shirt under a leather jacket, Doc’s and black skinny jeans, there’s a carabiner attached at his hip, a untied black silk tie around his neck and a pen twisted into his hair holding up half of it, the rest coming down in curled waves. His nails were painted silver, there’s peaks of tattoos down his thumb. He gets the comments now, the ones that scream when he’s on the front cover of his magazine. Remus has to remind himself why he was here before he can say anything. 

“Mr. Black,” he goes to stand. 

“Sirius please, sit, sit.” He waves his hands coming to rest in the armchair closest to Remus. Even his voice was inviting and warm. 

Sirius

He’s late and Narcissa is going to kill him.

“It’s only a minute!” He almost yells as soon as the doors open. Narcissa is already standing by her desk, foot tapping impatiently on the ground, Bellatrix is propped up in Narcissa’s chair idle playing with a pocket knife she kept on her. He places the cup into Narcissa’s hands and she shoves him a little.

“Get in there!”

“Love you too Cissa.” He rolls his eyes, her face softens ever so slightly and she takes a sip of coffee before passing it to her sister. He pushes the doors open and takes two steps in before he has to stop. 

Remus Lupin is staring up at him with tired warm eyes, a twinge of a frown on his face. Sirius notices them instantly, how could he not? The pink slivers that ran down his face, down his neck, across his hands, some kind of pain he carried, he finds them beautiful. He has a brown corduroy jacket on, thick and maybe a little overkill for this weather, and brown slacks over a pair of beaten up converse. He can see the peak of a band shirt under his white collar, a loose brown tie around his neck, his cane’s beside him, brown and old, it looked cracked in a few places. His hair is a curly bronze mess drifting into his eyes and curling round his ears. Is he starring? He feels like he might be starring. 

“Mr. Black,” he goes to stand and Sirius waves him off instantly, he’s seen him on bad days, knows how badly his limp gets. 

“Sirius please, sit, sit.” He steps over to the armchair closest to him. “I’m sure she’s already offered, but tea? Coffee?” 

“I’m quite fine.” Sirius can’t  place his accent, definitely not from central London though, nor does it sound like Lily’s. Sirius nods. 

Remus

This was awkward, far more awkward than he could handle. There was a reason he didn’t do interviews, meetings, parties. What was he meant to say? Can you fuck off and stop requesting me to move up the ladder? I can’t afford the extra hours my parents just dropped a kid on me? There had to be a more professional statement. 

“My apologies about missing this morning’s appointment, I was preoccupied with a prior engagement.” Oh dear lord and heaven he was posh posh. Remus doesn’t want to open his mouth again. 

“Right.” He says, “you were late to this one as well though.” Sirius’ face goes slack and he checks his watch. 

“Okay, by one minute-”

“So you’ve been late for forty eight minutes today.” Remus raises an eyebrow, facts, statistics, he can talk through them, but having to stop and be a person around a stranger? No. 

Sirius

He was right, Remus was too good for monitoring the portal, he was witty, sarcastic, sure of himself. Anyone else that he has met with wouldn’t bother having said anything at all, and here Remus was calling him out for 48 minutes. 

“Again, my apologies.” Sirius amends, smiling softly, he leans forward a little bit, elbows on his knees, chin in one of his hands. “What was it you wished to discuss?” The only statement he could get from Narcissa was Remus’ employment. If he was quitting then he would already be gone, after this morning Sirius’ doesn’t think Remus would have even bothered with a two weeks notice.

“Right.” Remus says, his has his bottom lip between his teeth thinking carefully, Sirius can almost see it, the cogs turning. “As much as I’m flattered about the requests to have me moved up in your company, I really need to make it clear I’m not interested.” Oh. Oh no.

Remus

Remus can watch the second his words register, can see the impact it has on Sirius. His face slackens again, this time not in mock offence, and he pulls back ever so slightly. That, that didn’t make sense to him. 

“What made you come to this decision?” Sirius asks carefully, Remus doesn’t want to answer, doesn’t want anyone at this company to know more than they have to. He kept to himself, he didn’t talk to people about his personal life, didn’t ask questions that weren’t work related, didn’t want there to be a reason for people to hate him or curse him out. 

“It just.” He manages a deep breath, “it’s just not something I want.” Remus says, tries to make himself seem sure of it. 

“Remus, when I first hired you, you were more than eager to sign on from an intern to part-time, in fact you emailed Narcissa the day that contract was made about other positions at this company. Why now is that something you no longer want?” He had been eager, far too eager, being able to write about facts, statistics, with the promise that it might help someone, being able to teach his coworkers about mental health and the queer community instead of ushering it away under some rug was empowering. Being able to make a difference was something he’s always wanted. His life was on track, he was on track to getting better, recovering, he could help other kids not feel like him, other adults not have to waste their life feeling like him. And then Teddy came into his life, and not one second was wasted on annoyance or regret, he loved Teddy and would do anything for him, which is why he couldn’t accept this promotion, or any kind of promotion, actually. 

Sirius

He tries to read in between the lines, tries to make sense of things. But Remus gave off nothing.

“I’ve just decided, I’m sorry to have let you down.” 

“No, no don’t do that. You haven’t let anyone down,” Sirius is quicker than he means to be in his response. He fidgets with his ring. “You have great potential Remus, your work, your voice the impact it has is terrific, and I could really use someone like you next month, working full time on the anniversary.” Remus looks away then and Sirius frowns. Something, there’s something there. Was it his worth? Was that the issue? 

“And I appreciate that, I really do Mr. Bl- Sirius.” Remus sighs then, straightens his posture turns back so he’s facing Sirius. “However, I am not interested.” And there it goes, some kind of wall he wasn’t expecting built up in a second. He can work around this, he’s done this routine before, he grew up with Regulus for crying out loud. 

“And I hate to say it but I don’t believe you,” he laughs. Remus doesn’t respond instead he keeps staring. “Surely there’s a middle we can reach, what about the job doesn’t look appealing to you?” Sirius asks, Remus’ facade doesn’t waver. “Your readers adore your writing, so do the schools and fundraisers, in fact even the people who you interview have reached out to us to thank us. But you don’t get to write often, I feel like that’s one of your strong suits, your writing.” Sirius watches, hopes for a flicker of something, but Remus remains unmoving. 

Remus

“And you can send them all my regards Mr. Black.” Remus says evenly, not Sirius, his boss, not some person he just met. He doesn’t want to be here anymore, he’d quite like to be anywhere else. Sirius is looking at him like he’s trying to take him apart and he can’t stand it. “I’m not interested in anything more than what I’m already doing.” 

“Remus.” Sirius says, but then he stops, he leans back a little more, eyes searching for something and Remus tries all his might to not look away. If he didn’t make this clear now he was gong to come into work on Monday with a new request. “What is it that you want?” He asks and Remus freezes. What did he want? 

“To remain where I am.” He says evenly, but that was a lie, he can feel his eyebrow twitch. “I’m more than happy here, and if that’s an issue to you, I’ll go elsewhere.” He sees the moment that sparks alarm in Sirius. See’s the sparks of thunder roll in his eyes. 

“That’s not required.” Sirius says carefully, Remus was wearing him down. “But-” an alarm goes off and Remus digs for his phone switching it off in an instant. 

5:58 blinks up at him and he stands. 

“I’m really sorry but I have to go,” go pick up Teddy from Poppy, because his work hours are already interfering with Teddy’s life. 

“What?” Sirius stands as well. Fridays, stupid fridays, that extra stupid hour. “It’s just turned six, surely-”

“I’m really sorry Mr. Black.” He pulls his jacket tight around himself picks his cane up his satchel. “I have to go,” that extra hour, finishing at 6 instead of 5 on a friday meant that Teddy was going to be alone for an hour, and as much as he would love for Lily to take him, and as much as she would love that too, he can’t push that burden on her, so Teddy gets picked up by Poppy and taken next door where he colours in and plays and does whatever it is they do in the cafe there. 

“Remus-”

“Sorry!” He’s pushing out the door and calling the elevator Sirius is behind him he can feel his eyes on him. The elevator dings and Remus waits until the doors slam shut before he turns around.

Chapter Text

Remus

             “Teddy.” Remus says patiently. “You have to eat something.” Teddy stares absently into the bowl of cereal Remus had placed down. “Please.”

             “Not porridge,” Teddy states, stabbing it with his spoon. Remus rolls his neck, leaning forward until he can pick up the spoon.

             “Please.” Remus says again, scooping some cereal and holding it in front of Teddy’s mouth, “Pup you can’t last on porridge, I’m trying the best I can, but we need to work together.” He doesn’t know why he’s trying to bargain with a toddler, he doesn’t know why he’s wasting his time. They both know Remus will crumble, and the porridge will be pulled from the shelf.

             “Not porridge?” Teddy asks as if Remus didn’t understand. As if he didn’t know what was happening.

             “Ted’s, you picked this one remember?” Remus places the spoon down and grabs the box to show Teddy. “When we went to the shops you picked this one.” Teddy stares absently up at him.

             “Spidey!” Teddy says when Remus hands him the box and Remus’ heart soars.

             “Yeah pup, it’s Spidey.” Teddy stares at the box a moment longer and then at the bowl. “Please pup.” He looks up at Remus and then nods.

             “Okay Remmy.” He picks up the spoon and stares at the cereal for a moment longer before he takes a bite. “Not porridge.” He says, but he eats another mouthful, and then another, and Remus stands there leaning against the counter watching him and the many faces he pulls.

Sirius

He’s drinking his coffee trying to focus on an article, but his mind keeps wandering back to Friday. Well, more specifically Remus. Remus who didn’t make sense. There was something there, something that needed to be figured out. He just couldn’t make sense of it. Someone with so much eagerness for his work, for his position, suddenly stops? Stops wanting everything he wanted? He’s heard stories from Lily, he knew how hard headed and determined Remus was, how stubborn he was when he wanted something. He had shown those same traits his first week with their company. He’s about to message Lily when James starts to yell.

             “Oh fuck you Black!” Sirius’ heart picks up.

             “James.” Regulus pleads. Sirius is up in an instant, James pushes out of Regulus’ room, Regulus hot on his heels.

             “What? What I’m crazed right? Psychotic? Go fuck yourself.” James voice rises and Regulus has his hands in his hair.

“That’s not what I said!” Regulus snaps back. 

             “What in Merlin’s name is happening?” Sirius asks but it’s like he has no voice, James spins on Regulus, Regulus who is now on the verge of tears. Sirius doesn’t know what to say.

             “James, please. Take your meds.” Regulus steps back, crossing his arms and shrinking into himself. And instantly Sirius understands. A month ago James’ mood stabilisers were lowered and when that didn't have the desired effect switched out to higher new dose entirely, getting him to take them was a nightmare, it was like how it was when he was first diagnosed, throwing them away. Taking sugar pills instead. Flushing them. 

             “I’m not me on them!” James snaps.

             “I understand that love, but you need to trial them before they can fix it.” Regulus is pleading now and Sirius takes another step towards them but Regulus shakes his head at him and Sirius freezes. 

             “I don’t need them! You can’t control crazy.” James snarls.

             “You’re not crazy Love.” Regulus’ voice lowers, and James pulls at his hair, “the last ones were working Jamie, until they lowered your dose. We’re trying to get through this, yeah? I’ve got you, Sirius has you, we all do. But if you didn’t need them, you wouldn’t be this aggressive towards me, would you?” James’ breathing is coming out uneven and for one sick moment Sirius thinks he might swing at Regulus. “This isn’t you, it’s an episode.” 

             “DAD! PAPA!” Sirius spins as Harry runs through the front door, Lilly and Mary stepping in after him he hadn’t even heard the door open, or their car pull up. In an instant Sirius watches as all anger and aggression, desperation and sadness washes away from both James and Regulus. James bobs down to catch his son a bright smile on his face.

             “Hey buddy!” James says, Regulus runs his hands through Harry’s hair.

             “Hey Soleil.” Regulus helps James balance Harry who was now fidgeting restlessly.

             “I had a dream! Big dream, there was a lion in it.” Harry starts babbling and James smile turns fond, he looks towards Regulus for a moment and then leans in to kiss his cheek.

             “I’m sorry,” he mutters, “I’ll try. It’s just. Hard.” James can’t meet Regulus’ eyes, but Regulus smiles anyway.

             “I know.” He ducks into his bedroom coming back out with a pill container and Sirius frowns.

             That, that made sense. He slowly walks into the kitchen where Mary and Lily were already pouring themselves coffee, picks his own up and moves to the porch. That was passable. The moment when Sirius had gotten too close during his and Remus’ meeting, the second Remus went from open and readable to stone cold and professional. That sudden switch between the two states of being. That made sense. Regulus did it all the time with Luna, stopped being distanced and instead kneeled down to let her paint his face or hold onto his hand. He saw it all the time with Mary and Lily, when their group begins to get too much, the motherly instant coming out sorting out any issues. He saw it with James who had gone from crying into his shoulder to smiling and laughing because his son had walked through the door. He even acted like that, in fact their whole group did, every time Luna or Harry or even Draco walked in the room, high intense destructive emotions switched to soft nurturing, and vice versa the second their children walked back out. That made sense, that might be it. Remus Lupin had a kid.

Remus

He’s leant up against the roof top, a lit cigarette between his lips as he watches the rain. It’s harder today than it has been all month, heavy pelting, the kind that hurts if you’re in it. He lets his hand run through the stream, the sting jolting him. He pulls back when someone stumbles onto the rooftop.

             “Hey.” He says absently, not looking towards the door, his eyes stay focused on the puddles flooding the roof.

             “Remus!” His head snatches to his left as a very eager Sirius Black starts to walk towards him. “You’re just the person I was looking for.” Remus carefully raises an eyebrow, blowing out smoke through his nose. He instantly doesn’t want to be here.

“Course I am.” He mutters. Sirius digs through his pocket pulling out his own cigarettes. They, of course, are stowed in a custom silver tin covered in stars. Sirius begins to dig in his pockets again, a frustrated huff leaves his mouth when he can’t find what Remus assumes is his lighter. He flicks his own back open and leans towards the shorter man. 

“Thank you.” Sirius’ smile is kind, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. In all his time of coming up here to this roof, he’s never once ran into someone else. Now he doesn’t know how to not look tense and panicked. 

“Tough morning?” Remus asks, was that what he was meant to say?

“Always. No tough phone call.” Sirius watches the rain for a long moment before turning to Remus. “My mother.” 

“Ah.” Remus says, “sorry.” He genuinely was. 

“It’s life.” Sirius manages a shrug. Today he’s dressed in black and grey pinstriped trousers adorned with more chains and buckles than a straight jacket, a freddy mercury shirt and a long leather coat. “I wanted to talk to you actually,” Sirius says blowing out smoke through the side of his mouth. “Well finish our conversation from the other day actually.” Ah, there it was, the dreaded moment he knew was drawing near.

“We did finish our conversation.” Remus states, shaking ash from the end of his cigarette. 

“I hadn’t finished my end, and you left mid sentence, I’m not sure about you but I wouldn’t call that finished.” Sirius smirks, actually smirks at him, and Remus can feel that bubble of annoyance climbing up through his chest. 

“Oh of course not,” Remus rolls his eyes turning so his back was in line with the wall. He didn’t have his cane today, his knee and hip feeling somewhat like they were meant to. 

“See! You’re so wasted on monitoring the webpage.” Sirius’ smile does reach his eyes this time.

Sirius

“Anyway.” Sirius says, blowing out smoke and tucking his spare hand up into his armpit, it was freezing up here, how Remus enjoyed it was beyond him. “It’s because of your kid right?” He’s smiling as he says it and then suddenly he’s not. 

“ Excuse you?” Remus looks dangerously close to swinging at him and Sirius takes a step back. Right, right this was what James had warned him about. 

“I don’t mean to pry-”

“Then fucking stop.” Remus shoves past him, hard, and Sirius’ brain struggles to keep up. 

“Wait, Remus-” he hooks his hand around Remus’ elbow tugging softly and he watches as Remus’ knuckles go white on the doorknob. “I didn’t mean to.” Sirius takes a deep breath, flicks his cigarette down, it lands right next to Remus’. “I didn’t mean to pry, I just saw my brothers with their son this morning and it reminded me of you. I thought, well the dots connected.” Remus’ breathing is coming out uneven and Sirius feels a surge of panic. 

“What do you want? A gold medal? Congratu-fucking-lations for figuring it out! Well done Mr Black, you must be proud!” Sirius pulls a face. Remus looked pissed off.

“I-”

“You what? What .” 

“I wanted to make you an offer.” Wrong. Again, so wrong. Remus rips his arm out of Sirius’ grasp, stabs a finger deep into Sirius chest and leans close. 

“Fucking. Leave. Me. Alone.” The rooftop door slams shut and Sirius groans letting his head hit hard against the brick wall. Right that was two people pissed at him today. What a fantastic start to his morning. 

Remus

He’s calling Lily the second he’s on the stairs. 

“Fucking ponce,” he mutters, “sodding fucking imbecile. I swear, I swear to fucking god-”

“Remus?” Lily says down the line and Remus has to take a deep breath using his hand to keep him upright in the stairwell. 

“Sirius knows about Teddy.” Is all he says and Lily doesn’t say anything for a long moment.

“What?” She whispers. 

“Sirius knows about Teddy. He found me on the roof, straight out said I had a son that’s why I didn’t want to take up his stupid promotions.” He waits, waits for Lily to say something. “He wanted to make a deal.” 

“I mean that is the reason you don’t want to move up.” Lily says eventually, he can hear her car door shut, the keys in the ignition, the car purring to life. 

“What are you doing?” Remus asks. 

“Going for a drive, the kids are at recess.” He hears her indicator. “I’m sorry he figured it out.” Lily says then, softer. 

“I-”

“I know you didn’t want anyone knowing, but maybe it’s a good thing? Maybe he’ll stop bugging you about it.”
“Lily did you miss the part where he was still talking about making me a deal or?” Remus feels dizzy, he slides down the wall, pulls his knees up, wishes he was home. 

“No, I did. But… well I don’t know Remus, I don’t know how your workplace works. You’ve told him no, you’ve had a meeting with him. He is your boss, do the requests come directly from him?” Remus sighs leaning his head back, his neck cracks. 

“No, they come from Narcissa.” Lily hums. 

“Well maybe talk to her then? Ask her to stop posting them, tell her that not you’re not interested in moving up, or tell her you can’t move up. If Sirius knows then what's one other person knowing going to do?” Lily asks. Remus digs his nails into the palms of his hands, little crescent moons shinning up at him. There’s a long thin scar running down his wrist, he traces it. 

“I’ll try. But Lil’s maybe I have to find something else.” He whispers. Lily takes a sharp breath then, he hears the hiss of it through her teeth. 

“Remus no. This job is perfect for you.” She sounded upset, “please. There’s a way to fix it, there’s always a way. Even if I have to come down there and yell at Sirius Black myself.” Remus lets himself laugh. 

By the time he’s walked all the way back up the stairwell he’s not sure what his plan is. Sirius Black’s door stands in front of him, his hand is wrapped around the cool metal of the doorknob and he has no idea what he’s meant to say once he walks through it, and like hell he’s going to walk all the way back down those stairs with his joints. 

On one hand Lily was right - as she often was - he could tell Narcissa about Teddy, about his life, request that she stop posting the requests, help him out in some way. On the other hand, Mr Black knew about Teddy, knew the reason he wasn’t taking up promotions was because of Teddy, he had wanted to make a deal , maybe that meant things were more flexible than he thought. What was that thing Lily was always saying? Optimism is the best survival method in crisis, or something or rather. And it wasn’t like Remus didn’t want people knowing about Teddy, it was all the questions that would come about with it. So who’s the mother? What do you mean he’s not your son? Well where did your parents go? How come you didn’t know he existed? 17 years is quite a big age gap, don’t you think? Well if I was you I wouldn’t have been so nice. Do you really think you’re fit to raise him? Surely there’s other family out there? 

He let’s his grip tighten. He wanted this job, in fact he worked hard to get it, had studied every article ever posted for months before gathering the courage to apply, had gathered facts and statistics to use in the interview. Had worked his ass off for that first week of internship just to be noticed by someone. He had heard stories about Sirius Black, but had never met the man until last Friday. He had been the one to send out his contract, he had been the one to hire him, and yet here Remus was, questioning if all of that was even worth it. More hours in his life wouldn’t work, less hours would be dangerous, he was already cutting it close with Teddy now staying with him. More work would be manageable but how manageable with a toddler in his life needing more attention than anything else? Less work would drive him insane, he would lose whatever fleeting passion he had left. He twists the doorknob. Or he could ignore all of this, all of it. Make it all go away, he had yelled at Mr Black earlier, had wasted whatever chance was being offered. What was the point? 

“Mr. Lupin,” Narcissa greats when he steps into the bright room. “Good morning.” 

“Hi,” he says, stands there, not really moving past the door frame. She studies him and then raises a thin eyebrow. 

“How may I help?” There’s a women to her left, thick curled hair running wild down her front, black jeans and a leather tube top to go with, she’s staring at him hard, like she was dissecting him. Remus wants to make this as quick as possible. If he had a coin on him he would flip it, hope for the best. 

“I, uh.” He takes a step into the room, than another, what was he doing . “I would like to request a meeting with Mr. Sirius Black. I had to run out of our last one.” He steps right up to the counter, uses it to support himself hopes the crazed women doesn't sense his weakness. 

“Of course, any particular time?” Narcissa picks up a pen opens her planner up and begins to write something on a sticky note. 

“Whatever he has available.” Remus says, swallows hard.

“He’s all clear this afternoon, can I put you down for 4:30?” She looks up at him patiently. Great yes 4:30 so I can stress about what this meeting is meant to entail all day. 

“That works.” Narcissa scribbles something down and then smiles at him politely. 

“As soon as he signs off on it I’ll email you.” Remus smiles back, before he’s backing away and calling the elevator. 

Sirius

When Sirius is back in his office - after a run to Jame’s cafe, consuming way more than the recommended dosage of caffeine and a venting session to Regulus about how shitty of a parent Walburga was, - there’s a schedule reminder on his desk with a request of an afternoon meeting. His eyes scan the document before it clicks. 

Remus John Lupin requesting a meeting at 4:30, in regards to having missed the end of last Fridays, approval needed. 

To his utmost delight he accepts.

There’s an itch under his skin, something running through his veins for the rest of the day up until 4. It’s not quite the unease panic that settles in his stomach when he knows something is going to go wrong, nor is it the calmness that settles when he knows he’s done something right. It’s something entirely new, something making it near impossible to sit still. 

“I can’t believe you’re still irritating him,” James says on the other end of the line, Sirius’ fingers don’t rest on the coffee table, they just keep tap tap tapping. 

“Thanks mate.” Sirius says, “he initiated again.” Sirius points out. 

“You cornered him on a roof in the pouring rain,” James says blankly. 

“Okay by coincidence.” James laughs on the other end and Sirius lies back against the couch watching the stars above him. Regulus had spent a summer in here painting it for him, made sure all their constellations were up there, all their important dates hidden in moon phases. Marlene’s first game, their birthdays, the day Pandora’s shop opened, his and James anniversary, the night Regulus ran away, the day Lily and Mary got together, when Barty was hired at his job, when Evan and him got together. All tucked away in different moon phases twinkling down at him whenever he was having a hard day. 

“Sirius,” James says carefully, “listen, mate, you need to understand you might not be able to actually help him.” He knows that, logically he does, but that didn’t stop the want of trying. Lily had texted him the second Remus had left him on the roof, how not only disappointed she was but furious. And then an apology followed by how he had no stealth. At all. He knows Remus might not want help, but that didn’t stop him from needing it, Lily wouldn’t have been half as mad if he didn’t need it. 

“I know.” On the other hand the anniversary was coming up. An entire magazine based on the horror’s that happened behind closed doors, more dives into their childhoods, him, Regulus, Bella, Andy, Narcissa, Dorcas, Barty, Evan and Pandora, a more closer lense, live living comments. And for the last three years he had managed it on his own, granted his sleep schedule was screwed and he was writing a lot more words than he was thinking them, but the end result was always admirable, healing, worth it. And he would do it again this year, the only issue was he didn’t want to. And Remus would be the perfect out to that.

“Are you sure?” Sirius studies the waxing moon in the corner, the night Regulus was born. The very first time he felt like there was some kind of purpose to the dark house they lived in, the dark lives they lived. 

“I’m positive Prongs. If I can’t help, I won’t. But I do have to meet with him, if only to apologise for this morning.” 

“Look at you growing up! Apologising and everything! So proud of my baby boy!” James is laughing and soon Sirius is too. 

“ Shut up.” There’s a polite knock on his door before Narcissa pops her head in. 

“He’s here.” She states, Sirius nods and then hangs up. 

Show time.

Remus

Remus steps through the doors and waits for them to close. Sirius Black is eyeing him from his position on the couch, curiosity and hope on his face. He feels sick. 

“This was a mistake.” Remus says instantly and turns to leave. 

“Remus wait!” Sirius is up in an instant, stumbling around the table, coming up beside Remus then slipping between him and the door. “Please. You have thirty minutes before any preschools in the area are due, let's just. Lets just talk.” Had he… Had he researched local preschools? Remus bites into his lip.  

“We finished-”

“Then why are you here?” Remus didn't know. He hadn't known all morning, hadn't known when he got the email confirmation, hadn't known when he was riding up here why he was here. He looks over his shoulder to the couch, where Sirius had been waiting, patiently for him. On time this time. He takes a deep breath. 

“Right. Okay. Let's finish this.” He turns away from Sirius Black. 

Sirius 

That was a good sign. That was a positive sign. He had gotten it right. He watches as Remus tucks himself into the far corner of the couch, folding his knitted blazer across his chest. He nods towards the other side of the couch and Sirius is moving instantly. 

“I have to ask.” Sirius says first, “if any kind of promotion is something you're actually after. Aside from your child-”

“He's not my child.” Remus cuts him off. He's staring blankly at him, not giving off any kind of emotions. He reminds him of Regulus.

“Who is he then?” Sirius asks carefully, watching for a flicker off anything to give away what he was actually feeling. Instead Remus tilts his chin up. 

“My younger brother.” And instantly he no longer reminds him of Regulus, but himself many years ago. 

“Oh,” Sirius says, and suddenly there's a whole new story he wants to take apart. 

Remus

He waits for anything to follow the soft vowels but nothing comes. 

“Mr. Black?” He prompts. He would only answer questions, he decided that when he sat down. He wouldn't ask his own, wouldn't carry the conversation. Maybe that way things would work out. 

“Right. My apologies, Remus. Aside from your younger brother. Is there any reason why you wouldn't want to move up the chain?” Sirius reaches towards the coffee table picking up a file. Remus understands instantly that it's his file. 

“No.”

“So this is something you're after?” Sirius is smiling as he says it and Remus gives him a pointed look. “Excellent. I really wish you'd have told me straight away, instead of me trying to guess. Would've saved us both a lot of time,” he's pulling out pages fanning them out on the coffee table. Remus keeps his eyes on him. “How old is he? I assumed preschool because of your age… but if hes your younger brother then highschool right?” Sirius looks up then, a list of preschools and their times in one hand and a pen in the other. 

“No preschool is right.” Sirius frowns then, and Remus watches as he opens his mouth. He gets ready to leave. To put in his two weeks notice. “He’s 4, almost 5.”

Sirius

He caught it this time, it's subtle. Extremely subtle. A slight tremor in Remus’ right eyebrow, the slight pull of his ears. Almost like a dog. He closes his mouth instantly, thinking carefully. Whatever he said next was either going to keep this conversation going or have Remus run off again. Don't say he's too young, don't say Remus is too young, don't say that's odd. 

“Okay, and he gets there at what time?” The flight or fight reaction subsides instantly and Sirius wants to cheer. He was getting it. 

“8.” Sirius nods. 

“All week days?” Remus gives him a pointed look, right. He sketches out a timetable slotting in 8am drop off. “You don't have to tell me, but what school is he going to?” Remus frowns at him, folding himself a little more into the corner. Sirius’ heart flickers. 

“Hogwarts.” He says eventually.  

“I went there! Up until year 13 anyway.” He smiles brightly, “was put into Gryffindor, hence the decor. Pissed my mother right off.” There’s a tremor of a smile on Remus’ face. 

“Ted’s in Hufflepuff, he hates it though, all his other friends are in other houses.” 

“Ted? Is that his name?” Sirius asks carefully, twirling the pen in his fingers. 

“Teddy, Teddy Lupin.” Remus says, Sirius’ smile only grows. 

Remus

He had to answer questions. That's what he allowed, but watching Sirius’ face light up the more he talked was doing something to his heart. He wanted to keep talking. He wanted this to be easy, talking. With Sirius it was. 

“Okay and that means he gets picked up at 5 then?” Sirius continues referring to his reference sheet. The reference sheet he had made for him, mind you. 

“Right.” Sirius sketches that down as well. 

“Ahh, last Friday.” He mutters to himself and Remus leans forward a little bit to hear him. “I can change th-”

“No.” Remus says quickly, Sirius looks up at him instantly. No. Teddy loved the after school drive, the cafe, Poppy. He couldn't take that from him. “I have it covered.” Sirius gives him a questioning look. Remus doesn't speak. 

“Okay. Well your hours can stay the same, I'll move your mornings up by 15 minutes, that way you're not late. Payroll  hates you by the way.” Remus snorts. “So you’ll start at 8:15 each morning, and finish at 4:45, except Fridays.” Sirius keeps writing and Remus watches him. It can't be this easy. “It's 15 minutes there from here.”

Sirius

This was the easy part, the planning the documenting the writing. This part was easy. It was the talking that he was a mess over. The convincing. 

“Okay.” Remus says leaning closer to read the papers laid out in front of them.

“So here's the tricky part.” Sirius says, watching as Remus’ neck cranes to look up at him from his hunched position. “Your current position here is to monitor the webpage and upload articles, you're essentially one of five people doing this job, as well as a handful of interns.” Remus looks at him like he's an idiot and Sirius clears his throat. 

“Funnily enough I do know what my job is. It's not like I do it everyday or something.” Sirius laughs then. 

“Right right, you also take up side assignments. That's the part I'd like to focus on.” Sirius says absently sketching something into the corner of a page. 

“Side assignments?” Remus frowns slightly. Sirius wants to run his finger across the crease until it goes away. 

“Okay, your article last Friday was a side assignment. You wouldn't have gotten fired or warned if you didn't complete it or even accept it. Everytime you write for this company it's a side assignment.” Remus nods.

“Right, and you want me to do more side assignments.” Sirius bites at his lip, he can feel the cracked skin. 

“Not exactly.”

Remus

He re-reads the denial letters that he had sent. They're on the table with the letters Sirius had gotten Narcissa to send off. He pokes at one of them, re-reading the requirements;

The leading headline next week is on Crabbe Senior and a look into his wealthy background, as he currently is introducing yet another tax office. Inside the attached document is all the known information Black Star has on said persons. 

[Attachment.doc] 

Required:

4,000 (or above) words in an interesting dark look into said persons. We need more information on him, so though you may use what we have already gathered you are required to go out and find in depth details and more specifically his business details , and the deals he’s actually making. 

We look forward to reading your article,

Kindly Narcissa B

“Not exactly?” He looks to Sirius then. 

“I want to bring you on as a journalist,” Sirius explains. And oh. Oh that meant more writing that meant more assignments that meant more viewers. “In fact I want your first assignment to be the anniversary.” 

“You don't even know me.” Remus says flat out, he can feel his eyebrow twitch, the sick feeling settling back into his bones. Sirius takes a moment before he answers. 

“No, perhaps I don't. But I know your writing, I know your voice. And that's more than enough for me.” Sirius looks at him with bright eyes, “Remus your voice is strong it's impressive, and more importantly I can tell it's coming from some place deep in what makes you you.” Remus feels his heart quicken, “the care you have for the webpage, your followers, the comments and support systems you've created. It's incredible. And it meets the core values of this very company; safety and hope. Which is why I know this job is perfect for you.” Remus wants to pull back, whatever Sirius has seen in him he wants it back.

Sirius

This was the harder part, the convincing part, the explaining and talking. He hated this part. He reads between the lines carefully.

“Of course you can say no, your first assignment doesn't have to be the anniversary.” He waits, waits for something, Remus catches his lip between his teeth and he keeps his eyes on the table, on the pages Sirius has spilled out. He doesn't say anything, if he pushes Remus too far he might run off. Eventually Remus looks up. 

“You think I'm right for it?” He asks carefully. Sirius frowns. 

“I wouldn’t be here trying to convince you if I didn’t. Remus I have tried and tried and tried to get you to move to a more than an intern base level job. You’re impressive, skilled, your articles not only have the right responses that we’re searching for, but the right punch. You deal with hard facts each time you write and you twist them until the reader is left with nothing more than knowledge and understanding . I think you’re more than perfect for this job, you rival my own writing. And I built this place on my own writing.” Remus’ eyes turn glassy and Sirius doesn’t know what that means. An alarm goes off and Remus jumps stuffing his hands into his pockets and pulling back from Sirius.

“I have to-”

“I know. Go.” Sirius waves him off, starts sorting the papers, Remus walks to the door, stops and then walks back to the table. Sirius looks up at him. 

“Okay.” 

“Sorry?”

“Okay I’ll do it. Move me and whatever. I’ll sign tomorrow.” Remus’ chin is tilted up, there’s a hard look on his face and Sirius can’t help the smile that creeps onto his own face. 

“ Brilliant.” 

Chapter Text

Remus

“Remus Lupin!” A girl with short bold curls snaps, appearing out of thin air. He jumps up straight, “what on earth do you think you’re doing?” She’s wearing a silk green blazar, a short black skirt and sheer tights. Her heels add at least 4 inches to her height, and her makeup, - posh, sharp and smokey - tells him he’s fucked up. Her face is dawned in a frown, a single eyebrow raised, foot tap tap tapping away. 

“Sorry?” He mutters, he doesn’t recall having ever seen her before, how she knew his name was beyond him. 

“Are you death?” She snaps. “What are you doing?” She flaps her hands at him, “up! Get up!” She screeches and Remus stumbles onto his feet. 

“ Sorry ?” He snaps back, cringes and then repeats himself in a less agitated tone. “Sorry?” She hooks her hand around his elbow and tugs him - hard - towards the elevator. 

“Bloody moron, no drop it . I’ll send someone to gather up your belongings later.” Remus lets go of his coat and cane. “No grab the cane what is wrong with you?” She snaps snatching the thing from his desk and - now storming - heads towards the elevator. Remus has no idea what was happening. She smashes the button more times than really necessary, her clawed hand still gripping his. “Stairs?” She looks him up and down and then at the cane in her hand. “No never mind.” She shoves the wooden stick into his hands. 

“I’m sorry, but who are you?” He asks then, leaning against the device, she gives him a look and scoffs, letting go of his arm in favour of crossing her own across her chest. 

“Who am I? Remus John Lupin, what on earth do you know about the Black family?” He stares at her a moment more. Oh.

“You’ve cut your hair.” He states, staring into the face of none other than Andromeda Vinda Black. Her hair which was once down to her waist was now cut sharp across her jaw. 

“ How observant . In!” She shoves him into the now open elevator. “Honestly, I work with numbers in my own office, manage interviews and stick to my lane and here I am doing errands because you’re too incompetent to remember to read your emails!” She slams her finger into a floor number. 

“Emails?” Remus asks, leaning forward on his cane now, two hands wrapped around the handle. 

“Yes Remus, emails. Honestly? How long have you worked here? It should be the first thing you do each morning and hour!” She huffs.

“But I read my emails-”

“Clearly not! Because you would have had an email from Sirius stating that you were moved to the floor just below his office, with all the others working on the Anniversary and that you were meant to be in a meeting with him 20 minutes ago!” She snaps, and Remus can only blink. 

“I never received an email from Mr. Black.”

“Call him Sirius. And that’s cute, excuses are not going to get you anywhere though.” The doors slide open and she marches out and up to Narcissa’s desk. “Where’s the other one?”

“Still in his office.” Narcissa doesn’t bother looking up, Remus steps out into the office. “Bella’s on a coffee run.” She peers over to Remus then and presses a button. 

“It’s not an excuse.” Remus manages to say and Andromeda spins on him.

“Lying will also get you nowhere.” She crosses her arms once more and Remus frowns at her. 

“Andy!” Sirius stumbles out of his office, he’s donned in leather pants, a white button down and a maroon tie. His hair is tied all the way up today, a pen shoved into the kind of bun shaped mass on his head. “It was my fault, I sent it to my draft box instead of to Remus.” Andy’s eyebrow twitches. 

“You, dear cousin, should count your days.” Her voice is like ice and she spins and leaves through a door just behind Narcissa’s desk. 

“Love you too!” Sirius calls after her. 

“Count your hours!” Andromeda calls back. Narcissa’s smiling behind her hand and Remus is getting an overwhelming feeling of misplacement. 

“Remus, good morning.” Sirius smiles at him them, and Remus has to remind himself, again, that this was his boss. 

“Morning.” Remus greets, Sirius eyes his cane for a moment. 

“Care to join me?” Sirius’ asks, gesturing behind him to his office. Remus steps forward. 

Sirius

Bad day then. They were hard to map out, and he had no clue what he could do to help with them. He hated seeing people in pain, he always had even when they were kids, but knowing he couldn’t do anything to help, that was somehow worse. He  stares at the cane a moment more. 

“I wrote this up last night when you left, I’d like to go over it with you, make any adjustments that you need.” Sirius says settling on the couch and gesturing to the written up job offer. Remus hesitates before he sits down on the furthest armchair. Sirius masks his frown carefully. 

“Your cousin is terrifying.” Remus mutters and Sirius manages a laugh. 

“That’s her before coffee, she’s a sweetheart otherwise.” He pushes the pages towards Remus, “it’s mainly updated payroll details.” Sirius says. 

“Payroll?” Remus asks picking up the pages, eyes scanning carefully across the words. 

“You were on £23.82 an hour, which is above minimum wage but not great. Again, intern level. You’ll be raised to £32.82 an hour, of course with room for increases. Hopefully better budget wise on your end. It also outlines your expectations, rights, privileges and blah blah, ignore that part, it’s just legal jargon. Most of it was on your previous file.” He leans forward, elbow on his knees. 

“Isn’t that a bit… high?” Remus asks carefully. Sirius bites into his lip. 

“By the U.K standards yes, by our standards no.” He leans a little more and picks up one of his own research projects, “see under the law the legal pay rate is £11 and some change, that’s raised to £12 and some change when you’re an adult. Then you get into the legal technicals side of things, so base rate at certain jobs, doctors lawyers, school teachers, it increases based on your profession. Common knowledge.” Sirius pulls out graphs, dotted colours all over the place. “Journalism is at a rate of £16 and some change, plus commissions, if a piece of yours does well you’ll get paid bonus. When I started this company I wanted that raised so a standard of £23.83. I pick my employee’s based on two key factors. One being their ability to write, of course. This company wouldn’t be what it was if people didn’t know how to write, how to snoop, what the key essences of being a Black was.” He’s smiling as he says it, “the risks some of the people in this building take to come up with their best pieces is brilliant . Of course we also pay commission.” He looks to Remus then who’s face remains open, something similar to awe is written there. 

“And the second?” Sirius takes a big breath, hopes to Merlin himself this doesn’t send Remus running. 

“The second being history. Death eaters have higher chances, anyone from my mothers side, the royal underground, proven to not be a spy for her - and we’ve had a few - are hired instantly. Given personalised jobs based on what they’re good at. Andy works with numbers because she’s good at it, she can’t write a sentence to save her life bless her, she deals with ratings, finance, everything. Which is why she was so angry at having been pulled from her desk. Bella was hired as a body guard. She’s not great at much else, fighting is her strong suit. She’s also our ticket back into the royal underground, Mother’s on the fence about whose side she really is on but Druella will believe anything so long as she has an heir. Cissa is my personal secretary. She needs order, to boss someone around to understand how things work. Being the middle child, it's no surprise. Took me a while to figure out where to put her. There’s others, Reggie helps when he can, at home or in the office, there’s also a handful of Carrows and so on.” He bites into his lip, thinking carefully. “But aside from that, people with harder backgrounds, single parents, run aways. Those are also key factors. Writing can be taught, and if people are willing to start their life once again, we take them under our wing.” He gestures to the pages in Remus’ hands. “You were hired for the first reason, the pay rise being so high is for the second reason.” There it is, that little twitch. “I have no doubt you’re doing fine raising Teddy, but hopefully this makes it… easier.” 

Remus

Of all the reasons he’s wanted to cry in his life, proper hard break down, this was never once an imagined scenario. He had been shown kindness through Lily and her family and that was about it. 

He had terrible battles he’s overcome and yet he kept that all buried, he never once needed another person to know about those things, the demons that crowded his head, the thoughts that shook his bones, the reasoning to his scars and closed off personality. And yet here Sirius Black was, having known about one small, tiny bump in his history and was offering a solution. Help. Tears burned the back of his throat. 

“Right.” Remus says. 

“It outlines what you’re to do, but I’ll teach you all that.” Sirius says quickly, he seemed twitchy. Remus swallows, hard. 

“Right.” He nods. 

“Is there… is there anything you’d like changed? Added? Removed?” Remus digs into his pocket, pulls out a pen and signs at the bottom of the page, dating the thing as well. “Oh.” If this was the one small thing Sirius could offer him, he’d take it. 

“Done?” 

“Let me show you the office.” 

“This is your room,” Sirius slots a key into the door pushing it open. It was small, maybe the size of a bedroom. There’s a whiteboard. A whole whiteboard against the back wall, ‘welcome remus!’ written in cursive purple marker across it. His desk is in the centre of the opposite wall, a tall leather desk chair stood behind it. His coat is already draped across it. His stationary and files are dotted about the desk, a computer monitor sat near it all. There’s an armchair in the corner, and bookshelf next to it with a tall overhang lamp behind it. A brown rug in the middle of the polished wooden floors. The office itself is made of glass, there’s a series of others lined around the room. 12 in total. Outside all the offices is a long wooden table, 3 whiteboards and a projector. He looks up at Sirius. 

“And I have my own office because…?” 

“Anniversary season means a lot of arguments and stress induced conversations, you’ll thank us later.” A closer look into the room reveals more of his personal belongings. “I’m one floor above, but this one is mine.” Sirius steps out of Remus’ office and into the one directly next to it. This one screams Sirius Black. Posters of David Bowie, Abba, Freddy Mercury and Queen plastered against the glass, ties and jackets tossed across the floor, the chairs, the tables. Books and magazines and everything else shoved into the bookshelf, a sculpted middle finger on a shelf next to a picture of Walburga Black with drawn on devil horns. 

“It’s very… you.” Remus admits, Sirius laughs then and it’s almost contagious. 

“Mind I only use it during Anniversary season - I’ve been looking for that jacket!” He  darts forward scooping up a piece of leather and draping it over his shoulders, it’s a cropped leather jacket, Remus discovers, a nonbinary flagged embroidered across the breast. Remus offers a nod. “I’ll introduce you to the rest and then we’ll dive in.” 

“Right now?” Remus asks, eyes widening as he looks back to the empty table. 

“Course, we work fast here.” Sirius steps out into the joint room and picks up a remote. “I don’t know who’s here or not so I’ll just show you the powerpoint.” He clicks on the projector and wakes up the computer. “Right, take a seat anywhere.” Sirius is no longer paying attention to him. Remus is grateful for the that factor. He sits at the very end of the table hooking his cane over the side of his chair. “So, Mary Eveningstar, Alexander Peters and Cassandra Agneilli are our photographers. They’re the best of the best, worldwide. Shoots take at least a month, trying to schedule everyone in is a nightmare, especially when we’re outsourcing.” Remus stumbles for his book and pen, jotting down their names and loose descriptions. 

“Right, and photoshoots involve?” 

“More than enough outfits to make a rock ‘n’ roll night look like a kids dress up party. Screaming, shouting, long hours, mild blindness. The norm.” Remus hasn’t actually been to any of the Black Star photoshoots, and by that description alone he doesn’t want to be, he jots that down and underlines it. “Wick Ortega, Matthew Otto, Articus Black are our prime editors, everything that I write is sent to them, then edited, sent back. I do my round of edits, this goes on for eight turns, I send it to the layout team. Hopefully now with you, it won’t just be a shitty game of ball, and we’ll get some actual results.” Remus’ hand moves quickly across the page. 

“And I’d do what exactly?” Remus asks, Sirius looks at him across the table. 

“Edit my writing before it’s sent back to one of these three, and then edit their writing before it’s sent to me. Hopefully we’ll yield less editing then.” Remus nods, right, not that big of a deal. “Then you have the layout team, we could downsize, but each Anniversary needs to be better than the last, which means better layout, better titles, it needs to stand out more. Be more. These people are a lot more important than the public realises. Devereux Blackwood, Lucinda Duresely and Finnegan Keller.” Dursely. That piques Remus’ interest, he jots it down on a different page with a reminder to call Lily. “We then have Juniper Taylor who is our sole Photo editor, they work alongside the photographers and layout and overall has the final say in what photos are used and look like.” Sirius clicks to the last slide, a picture of him and Remus are up on the board. Remus feels the anxious wave of sick. “Which leaves us to, well, us. The chief journalist working the anniversary.”

“I thought I was on the editor page.” Remus states. Sirius bites into his lip, Remus was starting to understand that was him weighing options. 

“We all help out with each other’s roles, we all chip in on the overall project, however the only two roles that aren’t touched is ours. We’ll be writing everything, which is why I needed you, I’ve done this the last two years alone. I’d prefer to have someone at my level taking a quarter of the weight.” Remus stares back at his own face, his eyes look hollow, his shoulders are slouched even back then his bags were deep. He looks at Sirius next to him, bright faced, curled neat hair, huge smile. He sighs. 

“Right. Where do we begin?”

Sirius

“You’re fine.” Regulus says down the line, Sirius bites into his lip. “It’s the same as every other meeting.” 

“Okay but it’s the meeting.” Sirius argues. 

“And you’ve had the meeting twice now.” Regulus says, there’s the sound of a coffee steamer in the background. “Take your meds, grab some tea, you’re fine.” Sirius groans, falling back against the couch. “ James, customer. Stop staring at me. ” Sirius laughs down the line. “I can come sit in if you’d like?” Regulus asks then. 

“You’d do that?” Sirius springs up instantly. 

“Well no,” Regulus says, he must hear the noise Sirius makes because he’s then clearing his throat. “But if you really need me to, then yes.” Sirius is smiling brightly. 

“I’ll get Narcissa to pull up another chair.” Regulus sighs and Sirius beams brightly up at the stars. “Only if you want to-”

“Sirius shut up.” 

Regulus is there in less than 10 minutes and Narcissa, Andromeda and Bellatrix are already surrounding him. Sirius pulls himself from his office to intervene. 

“How’s James?”

“Is he still treating you right?”

“I can have him disposed off.” 

“I have a rebound hooked up already.”

“How’s Harry? Draco’s quite found of him!”

“I know people. It would be no issue.”

“Girls.” Sirius says flatly. Regulus looks over to him then, relieved as ever. “Get off my brother,” he hooks his hand through Regulus’ elbow. He has his own cup off coffee wrapped in his hand, he passses the other to Sirius.

“We’re just making sure!” Bellatrix screeches. 

“James’ is lovely as ever.” Regulus says softly, shooting daggers at Sirius. “This is the exact reason I hate being here.” Regulus mutters as he’s pulled towards the elevator. 

“You love me. Remember? Girls meetings in five. Hurry up.” They hurry towards the elevator and the lot of them shove into the far too small space. Sirius takes a sip of his coffee, smiling when the sweetness almost hurts. 

When the doors open everyone is already standing about talking in small groups, there’s catering already on the table, sandwiches and coffees and biscuits, and the chairs have been dotted with bags coats and the like. Remus is sat at the very end of the table, a book open before him, his head down. Sirius doesn’t think he’s left. He takes a deep breath, smiling a little when Regulus squeezes his hand and slips away. He’s got this. 

Remus

A boy with short curls sits down next to him. He has a coffee cup in his hands, the same one Lily gets him all the time. He’s wearing a baker boy cap, a tweed scarf and a turtle neck, and he. Won’t. Stop. Looking. At. Him. 

“You’re Remus, aren’t you?” Great, another person who knows him. He sounded French, his accent was clipped and high. 

“I am.” Remus keeps his eyes on his book, not paying mind to the boy next to him. 

“I’ve read all of her work.” He says then, Remus frowns. 

“Sorry?”

“Agatha, I’ve read them all, my favourites Dumb Witness.” Remus spares him a glance. So many of the people here have already tried to talk to him, have tried asking who he was, but later got the hint that he wasn’t going to give them an answer. Why was this man any different? 

“Right.” Remus folds the corner of the page and closes the book, Death in the Clouds staring up at him. “You are?” He looked familiar, he couldn’t quite place it though. 

“Regulus. Regulus Black, that one’s brother, unfortunately.” He gestures towards Sirius who was now at the front of the table, fidgeting with the projector. Regulus Black, youngest of the Blacks, would be heir after Sirius was disowned. Runaway. Outcast. 

“Right.” Remus says slowly. He taps his fingers along the edge of the table, a few of them crack. “You weren’t on the powerpoint.” Regulus offers a smile then. 

“I’m sure I wasn’t, but the anniversary is about us, so here I am.” He  leans back then, takes a sip from his cup. “I’m really just here because Sirius was five minutes away from a panic attack. He puts too much pressure on himself.” Regulus is staring up at his brother, eyes glassed over. “It’s hard to watch. But I came anyway.” Remus frowns, panic attack? Mr. Black? About what? 

“Remus!” Andromeda falls into the seat next to Regulus practically leaning over him to get to Remus, Bellatrix and Narcissa sitting down next to her. “I’m so sorry about this morning, I didn’t sleep, and as soon as I got to the office Sirius was pushing his luck and Bella was being… well Bella.”

“Oi!” 

“I didn’t mean to be so bitchy, though. Just thought. Well. Sirius is a sweetheart, but some of the people they hire are just… dumb. He did right with you though.” Andromeda is smiling at him, actually smiling. Though that might be the coffee she has fiercely protected in her hands. 

“That’s fine.” He says, because he’s not too sure what he was meant to say.

“Anyway, I look forward to working with you. I read your piece, the one aimed at schools? That was- hey!” Regulus shoves her off him and leans forward cutting them off. 

“Enough work talk, I don’t even work here and I have a headache.”

“I’ll email you!” Andromeda mouths over his shoulder and Remus nods once. 

“Attention everyone! Let’s get this started!” Sirius calls and people scramble to their chairs. Remus sighs. 

Sirius 

“As we all know we're coming up on the anniversary. We're two months and 28 days away to be exact.” Sirius says, clears his throat and tries to remember how to do this. He clicks the projector, displaying the months left, a big circle around the 6th of August, today's date. And a bigger circle around the 31st of October. The anniversary. “So starting today we'll be working on this year's theme.” He clicks to the next page. “The first year was all about mine and Regulus’ childhood, what it was like under Walburga’s roof, how important it was that we had each other despite the ploys she pulled.” Regulus smiles up at him and nods and Sirius returns it. “Last year was about the Black Sisters, Druella’s end of things. We drew similarities between these two worlds, we showed them exactly what it was like being born a female and the horrors they faced in the Black line. This year however, we want to combine those two worlds more. A proper look into the Black heritage.” Sirius clears his throat again. Takes a sip of his coffee. 

“Isn't that what we have been doing?” Wick asks, her posh accent pulling Sirius from his monologue. 

“Well, yes.” Sirius makes sure his words go with his smile, “that's the whole point of this magazine. But we want a better in depth piece. I was thinking this year that we would include interviews. Rather than comments.” He clicks over to the next article. “It would still be like a journal entry, but each key statement would be followed by a few interview questions. If that makes sense?” 

“Not really.” Bella says tilting her head, her hair spraying all over the table below. Sirius bites into his lip.

“The last two years we worked one on one writing up a few pages of what it was like living there. It was all your own words, what you needed to get out. No prompting.” Sirius says he can feel each and every eye on him. 

“Right, just like every article you write.” Bella says. 

“Right. But this year we have Remus joining us.” He says pointing towards Remus whose face was now blank and tinged pink, “he'll be joining me as chief journalist, meaning as well as talking to me you'll be talking to him as well.” All four of the other Blacks look towards Remus then and Sirius gets a sudden feeling that he’s fucked up. “So we'll start with your statement. Bella,” he says quickly, she looks back over, “you with the help of either me and Remus, will start off your piece with a paragraph of writing, like a monologue.”

“Like normal?”

“Yes, only by the end of that paragraph will there be a few interview questions, ‘what do you remember about this time?’ ‘wasn't it hard having to be something you're not?’ so on. It'll flow through the piece, easily doubling what we've done in the past.”

“So like the press conferences?” Andromeda asks and Sirius cringes. He hated those. Always did. 

“Yes.”

“But how are we combining those two worlds?” Atticus asks, and Sirius turns to him clicking onto the next slide. This one was more of a mindmap of the layout. 

“By those questions, instead of free writing, or lighting writing we're drawing connections and guiding each interviewer into a cohesive story. For example, Regulus.” He turns then to Reg, who sits up straighter and waves. He had talked to him before on the phone if this was okay, Regulus agreed of course. 

“Yes?” Regulus prompts. 

“In your piece you spoke about how growing up with Sirius gave you a faint feeling of being loved and safe, would you like to expand on that?”

“Well, growing up in the battle that we did. It was hard finding a space to grow as a person, or exist without counting your breaths or the footsteps coming down the hall. Sirius was that space for me. He protected me far more than he should have, he took care of each punishment I went through, and snuck food for me when I was banned from it. He came back for me. He, despite everything, Gave me the childhood I deserved.” Regulus’ response is easy, his words come out at a perfect pace. It still sends a wave of emotions through him. 

“According to Bellatrix, she too went through something similar with her sisters, were you and your cousins close?” Sirius then asks, it's a half assed question, but it was meant as an example not a final piece. 

“As close as we could be, Druella and Walburga often shared visitors. To no one's surprise we were more familiar with Tom Riddle than our own dads. So when a ball or meeting was happening we’d all run off together and hide. Through that I’d like to believe we created a sort of safe haven ourselves. Especially now as grown ups.” Regulus shoots back and Sirius smiles. 

“This would then be followed by another paragraph of Regulus speech that links into the questions just asked. These lines down here are page numbers where Bellatrix or Andromeda or Narcissa have said something similar, and the whole magazine would be a sort of choose your own adventure book. We’d of course have photos, letters and memoirs from our childhood scattered about to go with these pieces.” He clicks over again. “Evan and Pandora have agreed to do a piece as well, and Barty has offered insight into his father, so all around we’re able to connect and draw the lines through a selection of underground families.” Sirius pauses, turning to the table. The first thing he notices is Regulus’ bright smile and the matching one of Remus John Lupin. His heart soars. 

Remus 

As simple as it was, it was brilliant. 

“This year's theme, as Regulus and I had just pointed out, is safety and love. Despite these deep dark places we grew up in, we found a home in each other. With that knowledge we’ll be drafting the shoots based on the statements, and the statements based on the questions and the questions based on our lives. With that being said discuss,” Sirius says and Remus watches as the room erupts into loud chatter. Sirius makes his way over to their end of the table and slots himself between him and Regulus. “How'd I do?”

“As fine as ever Siri.” Regulus says instantly and Sirius beams at him. Remus again, has that sense of misplacement brewing in his chest. 

“Aww you do care.”

“ Don't push your luck.” Regulus snaps. Remus stares down at his notes and then at the rest of the table members. 

“Sirius, do we have any of your childhood photos with the rest of your cousins?” Someone asks, Remus waits for an answer from any of the Blacks sat at the table. 

“Not unless you're planning on murdering my mother.” Sirius laughs easily, Remus frowns. 

“But they exist?”

“Course they do. There's portraits up in the manor and everything, the ones where you have to pose for hours?” Remus catches Narcissa cringing. 

“What kind of warrant would we need to get ahold of them?” Regulus snorts then. 

“Cassandra I love your enthusiasm but the only way we'd get ahold of those is if one of us died.” Regulus says gesturing to his cousins. 

“We could fake it?” Cassandra shoots back, Remus drums his fingers across the table. 

“I could probably get them.” Remus says absently and the room strings quiet. 

“What?” Bellatrix laughs. Remus is very much suddenly aware of how many eyes are in the room. 

“Nothing.” He says, straightening his back and closing his book. “Nothing,” he offers a smile to the room. 

“No no, go on!” Cassandra prompts. He coughs. 

“Uh, well.” Risks, Sirius had said earlier. People took incredible risks. “Well, if they're important-”

“Extremely.” The three photographers chime at once. 

“Er, well right. If they're important, I mean. It's. I'm anonymous aren't I?” He says. 

“What?” Someone asks. 

“Er well. I'm moony. Faceless. She doesn't know me like, uh, like she knows all of you.” He takes a deep breath. “Your faces and names are everywhere. Mines not.” 

“So what you're suggesting…?” He can feel Sirius straighten up next to him. He takes another deep breath. 

“I ruin Sirius Black. Ask her for her help, when she's busy I snoop, take as many photos um, as possible, maybe even get her comment. Claim I'm from some other company. Um. Yeah.” He wants the floor to swallow him, he wants everyone to stop staring. 

“No.” Sirius says instantly. “Absolutely not-”

“That could actually work.” Narcissa cuts him off, “if you're playing like that I bet Druella would love a piece as well.” That was biting off more than he can chew. 

“No?” Sirius says again. 

“Oh mother would adore you. She'd eat you right up, a change of wardrobe and she’d tell you anything you want.” Bellatrix chimes in. 

“Uh hello? No?” Sirius says again. Remus bites his tongue. 

“She’d have no idea who I am. I could ask Alice to set up a fake website for me.” Remus says carefully. “She's done it before.”

“You're not going into the snakes den.” Sirius snaps and Remus draws himself up straight. 

“Right.” He says closing himself off. “Right, no. Of course not.”

“But it would be a good angle!” Devereux snaps back, “paired with a horrible memory, really paints the child in war idea! Cassandra could set up a look alike photoshoot.” 

“And Remus could be killed?” Sirius says.

“Okay Sirius. Drama levels.” Regulus scoffs. 

“ Excuse me?” Sirius screeches. 

“Sirius is right. It's a stupid idea.” Remus brushes him off. 

“No Remus-” he spins so they're facing each other. “I didn’t say it was stupid.” Remus offers a nod and then looks back to his book, loosely tapping his pen against the page. Sirius is biting his lip, he can see him in the corner of his eye. 

“We’ll circle back,” Cassandra says, eyeing the both of them, the chatter continues now, almost doubling. He was here to write. Not be a spy. He’s itching for a cigarette. 

“I'll be back.” Remus mutters shoving his book into his satchel and scooping up his cane heading to the roof. 

Sirius 

Merlin’s beard. 

“I'll be back.” Sirius sighs pushing away from the table, Regulus nods but doesn't pull away from his conversation with Andy. 

He heads to the roof. Having bumped into Remus there once he's almost certain that that was his spot. He takes the stairs, planning what on earth he was meant to say to get Remus to not run away. Yes Remus please waltz right into my hellscape and pick it apart whilst literal Satan breathes down your neck. No no, go. I'm sure everything will be absolutely peachy. He sighs pushing open the roof door. Sure enough Remus is curled up in the corner a lit cigarette between his fingers. 

“Those things will kill you, you know?” Sirius says, slipping his own case out of his pocket. 

“You're one to talk.” He scoffs. Good sign then. He offers up his lighter again, Sirius smiles. 

“What angle are you thinking?” He asks softly, crouching down next to Remus. It's raining again, concrete puddles forming across the roof. 

“Angle?” Remus asks, tilting his head back to blow smoke, Sirius traces the length of his neck. 

“For the interviews?” Remus peers up at him then. 

“I’m honestly not sure. I need to go over the last two and pick them apart. Find something new.” Sirius nods along. 

“You’d think it would all be out there at this point. There's still so much more.” Sirius breathes out.

“Must be hard.” Remus says. Sirius shrugs. 

“It's life. I have people caring for me. I have a therapist that broke down a lot of the walls I had up. Life moves on, gets better.” He bites his lip then, “honestly? I wouldn't have had it any other way.”

“That's a horrible curse to put on yourself.” Remus’ voice follows. 

“You think?” Sirius asks. If things had been easy, who would he be? If things were loving from the very beginning he would never have had such a strong tolerance to life, wouldn't be in the line of work he was in. Regulus would have hated him. 

“Yeah.” Remus blows out more smoke, it mingles with his own. “Especially after your freak out in there. If no one else would survive in that house, why would you go through it again?” Sirius bites at the loose skin, runs his tongue over his lip when he tastes blood. 

“Because unfortunately it made me, me.” Remus drops his head, Sirius looks at him.

“You don't regret who you could have been?”

“Not at all.” There's a story there, after interviewing so many people in the past he knew this was Remus’. He wants to tear it apart. Figure it out. Put the pieces back together correctly. 

“Shame.” Remus mutters, throws his butt across the roof. 

“There's literally a smoke bin right there.” Sirius scoffs pointing at the silver pole, Remus eyes it, them him. 

“What are you going to do about it?” He challenges. 

“Fuck all.” Sirius admits, throwing his own towards Remus'. “If you think you can get in and out without her murdering you, I'll allow you to go. Only if you let me drop you off and pick you up.” Remus’ smile is full of life. The first sign of it he's seen all week.

Chapter Text

Remus 

“I'm going to say it.” Lily says, Harry and Teddy are playing in the lounge room.

“ Don't.” Remus almost pleads. 

“Remus. This is a bad idea.” She proceeds anyway. Remus bites his lip. Of course it was a bad idea. But reckless was what Sirius Black was looking for and now Remus owed him. Owed him for his help with Teddy. 

“Okay.” Remus says, twisting his body again eyeing himself in the mirror. He didn't look like himself. He was dressed in a black velvet suit, an emerald green silk button down -heavy and expensive emerald cufflinks holding the sleeves closed-  and an embroidered green tie. His old brown satchel had been swapped for a black leather briefcase filled with pens and paper and his shoes- also black and leather- were too tight. 

Bellatrix had gone shopping for him before they had signed off yesterday. And despite her guesses at his size, she was almost accurate. 

“Okay?” Lily laughs. “Remus you're suicidal.” He gives her a pointed look, “okay more suicidal than normal.” 

“It's what the article needs!” Remus sighs sitting down on his bed and wincing when his knee clicks. He was wearing his brace today, heavy and metallic under the dress pants. His cane wouldn't go with the look. “I still have the makeup that needs to go on.”

“Makeup?” Lily exclaims. 

“Cover the… scars. And bags.” Lily looks furious and Remus regrets opening his mouth. 

“I'll kill her myself.” She decides. “You can get the photos that way.”

“Someone has to drive those two to school.” He points towards the living room. 

“Oh I'll do it, and then drive straight to her place and murder her before the first period even thinks about beginning.” Remus laughs then. 

“I'll be fine. Mr. black will be there, if anything happens I'll signal him.” She opens her mouth and then closes it. 

“Suicidal.” She says once more and he can't help but shrug. It was all a bit much, he decides, this whole thing. Parents shouldn't be like this, shouldn't act like this. If he could fix it for everyone he would, even if he spent the rest of his life doing so. Heaven knows he'd want it fixed for him and Teddy. 

“Needed.” Remus argues. 

“Remmy!” Teddy squeals running into the bedroom, “Harry’s trying to tickle-oh!” Teddy halts staring up at Remus, Harry comes colliding with his back and they both end up on the floor. 

“Uncle Rem-us!” Harry says eyes wide, “are you getting married?” He tilts his head and Remus barks out a laugh. 

“Merlin no.” Remus says Lily can't help her laugh as she picks up both boys. 

“Remus is a spy today.” She whispers to Harry whose eyes now triple in size. “You can't tell anyone though, right boys?” She’s still whispering and they both nod their heads furiously. “Now come on, have you both finished your breakfast?” She ushers them out of the room giving Remus a very pointed look on her way out. 

Right. This was happening.  

Sirius

To say he was anxious was an understatement. He could feel it in every atom in his body, anxious wasn't nearly enough of a word to describe what he was going through. Walburga Black was a dangerous woman. She was more dangerous than the Black plague. In Fact she would have survived the Black plague without so much more as a mild annoyance. 

James had even tried to cut him off from coffee this morning. Almost. So he's sitting here. Lent against his car, waiting for the old beaten beetle to pull in so he could have some semblance of control over how his day was going to go. Because Merlin help him if anything goes wrong. Another sip of his coffee has him perking up as David Bowie's voice echoes through the garage. He watches Remus reverse park and then sit in his car for a moment before he's climbing out and wincing. 

Sirius cannot take his eyes off him. 

Remus was gorgeous, handsome, whatever word you wished to use on a normal day, in fact Sirius found himself looking, no staring, at him more often than not, but today. Today he was like looking up at the full moon in a sky blanketed in stars, he was like a supernova coming about into the galaxy, today he was godly. 

“Remus!” Sirius calls darting across the carpark towards him. Remus jumps. 

“Mr. Black.” Remus says softly, holding onto the roof of the car and leaning forward to grab his bag. Sirius has to physically stop himself from watching. “What on earth are you doing down here?” Remus asks when he's upright again, swinging the door shut and locking the car. Sirius swallows. 

“Waiting for you.” Sirius says bluntly and then shakes his head pulling himself back together. “Big day.” 

“Right.” Remus says turning away from him and heading towards the elevator. He wasn't walking right. Why wasn't he walking right?

“You feeling okay?” 

“Sorry?” Remus hits the call button and Sirius bites at his lip. 

“About today?” 

“Oh. Well I have this thing with death, we're kind of in a long term relationship, so you know. Nothing scares me anymore, and if she comes knocking it's just for a catch up,” Remus’ eyes widen as the words come out of his mouth, Sirius wants to smile. “I mean. Yes I'm fine.” He slides into the elevator before the doors are even fully open. 

“I'm not,” Sirius admits. Remus eyes him for a moment. 

“That's very fair, she is your mother after all.” Remus is leaning on his left, hand gripped around the hand rail.

“You sure you're alright?” Sirius asks again, a frown dawning on his face, Remus gives him a questioning look. “You're limping.” 

“Ah,” Remus says, looking down at his knees. “Bad knee. Couldn’t really use my cane today could I?” He gives a weak smile and Sirius’ frown darkens. 

“But you're hurt?” 

“I have my brace. I just haven't worn it in a bit so it's not doing much. Apparently I’ve lost weight.” Sirius eyes him, Remus has always been skinny, alarmingly so. The fact that he was losing more weight wasn't good. “I have no idea where the makeup department is.” Remus says then, face evening out into a blank stare. 

“I'll take you.” Sirius offers a smile, Remus returns it. 

Remus 

Already that was too many questions. Too many questions this early in the morning, and too many questions in general. Sirius has taken to filling in the silence with anecdotes about his morning, Remus lets him ramble. He seemed on edge, which, given their circumstances, was warranted. He’s about to lead them through another set of doors when Remus’ eyes catch onto a kitchenette. 

“Can we…stop for a second?” He asks, Sirius looks at his watch. 

“Sure?” Remus hobbles over to the counter pulling a mug from the top shelf. “Ah I see.” Sirius laughs and Remus shoots him a look, pouring himself a mug of coffee and leaning against the counter trying to shake the pain from his knee. 

“Better.” Remus sighs, taking another sip as Sirius takes one from his to go cup. Again, the same brand Lily’s always buying him. 

“My brother makes the best coffee,” Sirius goes on, “he always has. Even before he was a barista, I think it's because he's been addicted to the stuff since he was born but who knows.”

“I thought Regulus worked at the art museum as a curator?” Remus asks then, Sirius’ eyes widen a little. 

“Uh, my other brother.” He says like it's a sin, Remus frowns. 

“Walburga had three?” Sirius takes another sip of his coffee. 

“No, James is my best friend.” Sirius says then, rather quickly, “but after I ran away I ran straight to his, and we've known each other our whole lives so I consider him one?” James. James. 

“Right.” Remus frowns, what were the chances it was Lily’s James. Slim to none. James was a common enough name. 

“So.” Sirius says, “not to be blunt, but what's wrong with your knee?” Remus almost chokes. 

“Don't we have a deadline?” Sirius looks at his watch then up at the door. 

“We're going to be late. Gideon is going to kill me.” He's hurrying out the door and Remus follows quickly. 

“Sirius! Darling. Glad you could make it.” A very tall lanky man with ginger hair cries as they walk through the door. 

“Gideon,” Sirius greats smiling, they lean in kissing each other's cheek and Remus stands off to the side, praying that's not the greeting he was about to get. 

“Which means this gorgeous thing must be Remus, hello love.” He leans in lips brushing against Remus' cheek, he stills straightening up when Gideon leans back away. “What are we doing this morning?” Gideon asks, tucking his hands into the pockets of his overalls. Remus looks at Sirius. 

“Full face, he's meeting Walburga.” Gideon's eyes flash. 

“Well then,” he hums, “guess we best start. Come along, love.” 

Sirius

Gideon has sat him on an armchair just right of where Remus and him are working. He's supposed to be responding to emails instead he's sat here envious of their conversation. Remus presents open and welcoming, talking easily and with full sentences and Gideon rambles on carrying the conversation like it was nothing. Remus wasn't like that with him. What was wrong with him and right with Gideon?

“I couldn't do the whole kids thing. My boyfriend adores them though.” Gideon goes on. “What about you?”

“Kids?” Remus asks, leaning his face up to look at him in the mirror. 

“Or boyfriend, a gorgeous thing like you is bound to have them calling.” Something flares in Sirius’ chest. 

“Why? Planning a break up Gideon?” Remus gives him a playful smile. 

“Ooo careful there, might just.” Gideon winks and Sirius can't bear it, he's standing and then stepping over and then he's not sure what he's doing because he's now just standing there right between the two of them. “Something the matter dear?” Gideon asks. 

“How much longer?” Sirius feigns curiosity.

“Setting powder and then spray. Then we'll move onto hair.” Gideon lists flicking his fingers up. Sirius nods. 

“Coffee?” He asks Remus who nods. Right. He'll busy himself. 

“None for me dear,” Gideon says and Sirius beelines for the door. 

Remus

He wasn't sure what that was about. But it didn't really matter to him, because for the first time in years he's able to look himself in the eyes and not hate absolutely everything about who was starting back. 

“Jesus.” Remus mutters, a hand ghosting over his face as Gideon sprays mist all over him. His face was softer, younger even. He looked his age for the first time in years. The scars carefully hidden away and matched to the rest of his skin, the heavy black bags gone, the puffiness tucked away, almost natural. His freckles were gone to, that was probably the only part that upset him, and even then it wasn't enough to have him hating this version of him. There was brown eyeliner smudged into his waterline, that part looked almost natural as well, like his face was meant to have colour to it and not just be a pale imitation of a ghost. 

“I know, your scars were way prettier,” Gideon pouts over his head, hands carefully holding onto Remus’ jaw as he turns his head this way and that. 

“No, no I like… I like this.” Gideon raises a single eyebrow. “What did you… I mean. What is all of this?” Gideon frowns then, bites his lip and Remus knows instantly what he wants to say. He just hopes, prays he doesn't. 

“Rowan!” Gideon calls. A very tall and narrow man bursts through a curtain that Remus had thought to be a window. 

“Yes?” 

“Please gather Mr Lupin a care bag,” Gideon taps Remus’ shoulders a few time, “and a pamphlet. Come now, hair.” 

Sirius

It’s not that long before Sirius makes his way back to the makeup studio. And to be fair, it’s not that he hates the work Gideon has done. It’s just. Different. 

“Remus,” is all Sirius can say, as he hands over another cup of coffee. He’s aware of the twinge of a frown on his own face as he studies Remus’. He’s aware of the colour matched lines and eyeliner and concealer and the normality of Remus face, he’s aware of the hope in Remus’ eyes, and he hates the whole picture. It was wrong, Remus’ face was wrong. 

“Mr Black.” Remus says back, taking a sip of the drink and cringing. “Thanks.” He places the mug down carefully and turns to Gideon. “We’re done?” He asks. 

“We are lovely.” Gideon runs his hand through Remus’ curls and then smiles brightly at them both. “And Rowan has included instructions as to how to apply this stuff, makeup’s quite confusing when you’re alone.” Gideon says passing off a scarlet red bag to Remus, that has Sirius frowning again. 

“You’re…” but he’s not sure how to finish that sentence so he doesn’t. Remus looks at him expectantly though, through the mirror. “Running out of time.” Sirius says then, a look to his watch indicating that yes, they were in fact going to be late if they didn’t leave now.

“Thank you Gideon.” Remus says hurriedly unfolding himself from the chair and fixing his jacket, “truly.” Gideon only smiles, a glimmer of something in his eyes before he ducks out of the room and Remus breaks for the door they entered through coffee mug still on the table. “I cannot stand small talk.” Remus grumbles once Sirius has caught up to him and something about that statement, watching Remus’ face fall back from open and happy to closed off and annoyed has Sirius’ heart settle, fake, Remus was being fake with Gideon. 

“Seemed to me you rather enjoyed it.” Sirius tests. 

“Please. Enough teacher parent meetings and detentions have taught me well. I can play into anyones pockets, I just hate it. ” Remus mutters back, Sirius takes another sip of his coffee calling the elevator, relief settling into the anxious knots in his stomach. Remus didn’t hate him then, wasn’t pretending to be fake around him. 

“Detentions? Teddy’s a trouble maker?” Sirius laughs, Remus snaps his neck, fast, towards Sirius. 

“He’s no such thing.” He says hotly, “I wasn’t… the best student to be fair. I think I had more detentions than tests. Hated the serpents so if I pranked them, or tricked them.” Remus shrugs then, “Lily helped with the plans, once we met, my sister I should say, you probably didn’t know that. She’s a very stubborn woman, her family kind of adopted me sometime during 10th year.” Something pangs Sirius’ chest, he hated lies, hated having to withhold the truth in anything other than a legal setting, and here he was pretending he didn’t know who Lily Evans was, as if she wasn’t one of his best friend. As if she wasn’t the reason that him and Remus had met. “And I didn’t get caught nearly as often as I should have. When we became prefects it was easier to get away with things.” Remus smiles, and it’s contagious. 

“Sounds like me, James and Pete,” Sirius says then as the doors open and they’re greeted with Narcissa and Bellatrix. “That’s a whole other story for another time though.” 

“Look at you!” Andromeda squeals as she walks through the back door. “A true noble in the making, oh he covered your scars, such a shame they were rather pretty,” Andy’s up close and personal and Sirius has to bat her away before Remus runs away. 

“Thanks?”

“Andy where’s the report from yesterday?” Narcissa asks and instantly Andromeda’s attention wavers, “from Bella’s trip.” Andromeda’s eyes widen and she runs over to the computers. Sirius shoots Narcissa an appreciative look.

“Damn I’m good.” Bella says with a tilt of her head as she circles the two of them. 

“Yes, very, Bella stop being weird.” Sirius grabs Remus by the elbow gently and guides him into his office and away from the three vultures. “Okay,” Sirius says falling back against the couch. “Ground rules.” Remus takes his spot next to him carefully face guarded, eyes wide. “My mother is a manipulative liar. She knows how to read people, how to break down their walls and find their weak spot within the first five minutes of knowing them. She will use this to her advantage, she will get what she wants from you, and you will come back a wreck.” Sirius eyes flick all over Remus’ face, trying to find Remus under all the fake. “The information she will feed you will be half truths, her side of things and lies to make it look as if she was a normal mother. Please try your hardest not to buy into it. She will come off cold, she will come off as dangerous, she will make your skin crawl. If at anypoint you feel unsafe, or like something is going to happen, you need to text this number and I will drive my car through her fucking gates if I have to.” Sirius’ face is firm as he says this. He can feel the anger boiling under his skin all over again, can feel every painful memory as if they were happening right then and now. 

“She’s just a woman wanting screen time, Mr. Black. It’s an interview of her side. She’s not going to hurt me-”

“If you’re good at lying.” Sirius cuts him off, a flicker of anger on his tongue. “If she catches you, if she senses for a second that anything you are saying, or the way that you’re acting, is not genuine, she won’t hesitate.” He’s close to yelling, he can feel the jagged breathes in his chest, he takes a deep one, closes his eyes instead. “Please, just be safe.” Sirius says. Remus goes to open his mouth.

“You’re going to be late.” Narcissa has popped her head through the door and Remus is up in an instant walking to the door. Sirius feels sick. 

Remus

Knocking on an unfamiliar door should feel unsettling. He should be unnerved by what Sirius had said, should be worried, sick even. Instead all he can think about is the things he went through as a kid, the scars that are now coated in concealer and foundation, the memories brushed under fancy clothes, and how this was going to be nothing. Nothing compared to that kind of fear. 

She was a woman wanting spotlight and attention, she was a mother seeking to be seen as the best, and more importantly she was a blatant liar. Nothing of today was going to matter, the only thing he was hear to do was get photos, he was hear to lie. And he was far too good at that for the rest to matter. 

“Mr. Lupin,” a cold voice greats him as the door swings open. He’s met with a pair of near silver eyes. 

“Yes.” He replies, “I assume, Ms. Black.” The woman in front of him nods her head curtly, and steps away from the door. 

“Please keep your shoes on.” She says when hew goes to toe them off. Remus straightens. “This way.” The halls are dark, deep brown wooden floors and grey wallpaper an emerald green rug lining them. There’s paintings in silver frames running down the walls people in black hiding in them. An old grandfather clock sits against the wall to his left. There are no lights on. 

“You’re home is lovely,” Remus managaes, he can’t understand how Sirius and Regulus grew up here. 

“Family home,” Walburga replies, not looking back or stopping her pace. She doesn't look like she’s even walking, floating, instead, down the halls. “This is where my husband grew up, and his father before that, and his father. Passed down through the Black line. I presume it will die alongside me.” Her voice goes cold towards the end and Remus tries to keep his face straight. “In here.” She pushes open a heavy looking door to reveal a sitting room. Fire roaring in an ancient fire place, two emerald green armchairs opposite each other. There’s a small round wooden table between them, a half drunk cup of tea and an open book next to one of them. The blinds are drawn open, revealing the whole back wall to be glass, there’s bookcases running along all over wall space, more titles than Remus knew decorating them. Walburga takes her place in one of the armchairs, waves to the other before folding her hands carefully over each other. Once he’s settled she looks at him expectantly. 

“I use a recording device to keep pace of our conversations, would you mind if I record this meeting?”

“You don’t take your own notes?” Is her quick reply, laziness, is etched into her undertone.

“I do, but in case I forgot anything, or need a direct quote I can listen back to the recording, I don’t want to make assumptions as to what was said through my memory.” She tilts her head carefully at him, “it helps to listen to when I’m typing up my article later as well.” She stares at him for a long moment. 

“Very well.” She gives in, and Remus digs through his bag to pull out the tape recorder, something he had insisted on, rather than the microphone and recorder Bellatirx had tried to force him to take. He inserts a new tape and hits record before pulling out his notebook and a list of prewritten questions. He clears his throat. 

“My name is Remus John Lupin with the Salazar paper, and I am here with,” he looks over to Walburga pointedly. She straightens her back. 

“Walburga Irma Black.” Her voice is clear and clipped. 

“It is the 9th of August, 9:55am, and today we are discussing the upbringing of the Black brothers, and the truth behind the lies of Black Star publishing.” That gets a smile of Walburga’s face and he feels relieved. “Tell me Ms. Black, what was it like raising the two of them?” 

“When they were younger it was easy, they were both destined to be something great, private tutors and the correct kind of etiquette lessons.” She pauses and takes a sip of her tea, “Irma and Sirius were close, that was always a blessing, my sister and I weren’t. Made it easier on Orion,” Remus nods along, jots down the name Irma with question marks next to it. “Sirius was a fast learner, always was. Piano or violin, French and English, colour matching, the right kind of etiquette when hosting dinner parties. Those things came almost naturally to the boy. Irma however struggled, she fell behind. Sirius always tended to dot on her, help her when he thought we weren’t paying attention. He was kind. That was until he was sent to private school and met that Potter boy.” She turns up her nose at the name, “being a noble is very precious to this family, our family have always prided our selves on self preservation and the right kind of company. The Potter name is a disgrace to everything a noble is. So when that boy got his claws into our Sirius we knew things were going to start changing.” She looks towards the window. 

“And what did these changes include?” Remus presses.

“Small things to begin with, Sirius began to act out, start arguments with the staff, with his father. He wouldn’t dress proper, forget his tie or jacket, skip his lessons. There were instances where he lost his temper, lashed out at others. Destroyed paintings and family heirlooms. This carried on right until his 8th year. Irma had been left behind whilst he was at school, she soon learnt quicker what happens when you behave in the way Sirius was. What happens to Noble’s who don’t act as such. She became a master of the violin, had her own performances, there’s a line of awards somewhere around here with her name on them. But when Sirius came back during summer Irma, started following him around more often, started writing letters to him during school, and when she was sent to the same private school some years later...” she stops then. Remus takes a breath.  

“Irma being?”

“Our daughter, she goes under the name Regulus now I believe, such a waste of effort.” Remus swallows, tries not to let the anger show. 

“Right, and how did Sirius acting out affect her?” 

“She started skipping her lessons, fought back when told off. It stopped as soon as it started, my husband made sure of it. We split them up, different rooms on either side of the home, different wings entirely.” She looks back to Remus then, “my husband, Orion, he brought in a priest, we had been to church before, each and every Sunday since we were children, but when they both started acting out it wasn’t fit to be in public with them. He set them both straight, no more acting out. Tom Riddle is a marvelous Priest.” She looks almost proud, “private lessons of Bible studies, and private worshipping hours. They did nothing together after Irma was sent to school.” Remus tries not to stiffen, tries to act nonplussed as he eyes his questions.

“And was there a reason for the acting out?”

“That Potter boy, he had corrupted Sirius into thinking like everyone else on this planet. We are nothing like everyone else.” Remus nods, takes down some notes, flips a page. 

“Is there anything you regret?” 

“Black’s do not regret. It’s a wasted emotion.” She says instantly.

“Is there anything that you wish you could have done? To stop what happened?” 

“Mr Lupin, that is the same question in disguise.” She smiles cooly at him. 

“My apologies.” Remus says back, looking through his questions again. “When Sirius ran away, how where things here? How was Irma?”

“Well there was his drug phase, that’s why he had left. Irma had found his stash once he left this house, she almost took everything he left behind, which to no surprise was a lot. She was taken to hospital, Sirius never came back.” She waves a hand as if Remus’ entire understanding of the man didn’t just fall apart. 

“His drug phase?” Remus says, the world ringing quiet, his tone must grab her attention because she shifts to face him more carefully. 

“Yes, you didn’t know?” She looks him up and down then, “I wouldn’t be surprised, he hid it well. He got into drugs sometime in his tenth year, the same time Orion’s alcohol kept going missing. He must have fired half the staff here before he realised it was Sirius. Sirius had ran away soon after that, Irma was distraught of course but she soon recovered.” 

“That’s quite interesting,” Remus says, trying to ease his heart back into a normal rhythm of beating, trying not to show what he was feeling. “The drug part, my paper would love to latch onto that, I can tell already. Would you, I mean I wouldn’t suppose you would, but are there photos?” 

“Of course, I’ll get Kreacher to fetch them for you.” Remus didn’t even want to begin to imagine what a Kreacher was. 

“How did that effect the environment? It seems Irma was the last hope of an heir? Perhaps the favourite?” 

“A mother should have no favourites.” Walburga says, “but… and this is for your ears only. I will be sure my lawyers get to you before this article ever airs. Sirius was mine.” She seems almost sad, “he still is, really. Building a business by himself, and thriving. That makes a noble. He’d hate to say it but he’s exactly how we raised him to be. Orion could never understand, I never expected him to, he saw his children as a way to continue our name, not as children. Sirius was my son, my child, but more importantly, he was mine.” She straightens her back and folds her hands back across her lap. “Right. Irma of course. After her visit to the hospital she was removed from school for a month, doctors orders, make sure she didn’t go running to her brother and have a little repeat. Tom Riddle moved in for a while, to guide her back to health. Soon after she was allowed back to school she had her gender mistakes, inisited she was in the wrong body, that that was why she took Sirius’ drugs in the first place. Wanted an out. She was always so weak. So bland. She made a million different claims, but I am in no doubt it was Sirius’ doing. He was always idolising the modern age and labels. What are you young people claiming? Woke? Horrible word for it, it really was only that satan had already grabbed him and he dragged his sister down with him.” She clears her throat, “in the end it’s between them and God, disowning them was the best choice of action Orion could have made. Lest we burn with them.”

“Right.” Remus says a sickening feeling etching itself into his stomach, “and there was no coming back from that?”

“Well we tried, we sent her to a conversion camp over the summer, Riddle’s idea of course, he had great results before. And when she came back she was back to normal, we were relieved. Riddle stayed with us, to make sure the teachings stuck. Until Sirius came back of course, took her away.” Her eyes glass over. Remus straightens his back. “Left me behind.” Is whispered under her breath, Remus almost doesn’t catch it, he frowns slightly. 

“I can tell this is a touchy subject, maybe we should take a break?”
“Of course.” She nods, Remus pauses the recording. 

“Do you have a bathroom I could use?” Remus asks. 

“Down the hall up the stairs to your right.” Walburga waves him off before standing herself and exiting the room. Remus feels like he might be sick. Conversion camp was one thing, but growing up with a priest in your home? He knew that feeling, and nothing good ever came about it. 

Carefully he digs through his bag making sure to grab his phone before wondering down the hall. Regulus had told him about the portraits on the walls, family members throughout the line of Blacks, there were ones of them as children as well, he was just going to have to find them. 

“Mr Lupin is lost?” A croaky voice calls. Remus freezes. 

“Sorry?” He asks, turning around and meeting eyes with a hunched over frail man dressed in all white. A startling comparison to the dark halls. 

“Lost. Mr Lupin is death as well?” The man turns up his nose, the few wisps of hair left on his head beaded with sweat. 

“Uh… yes. Ms. Black suggested the bathroom was this way?” Remus gestures behind him. Trying he best to remain calm, how this man had near pitch black eyes was beyond him, his stare was unnerving. 

“Kreacher will guide Mr Lupin.” The man hobbles past Remus and towards the stairs, Remus feels sick all over again. 

“Thank you, uh, Kreacher.” Remus says politely when Kreacher pushes open a bathroom door for him. Kreacher stares unblinkingly back. 

“Master Regulus, is safe?” He whispers, neck craning to make sure they’re alone. Remus heart stops. “Kreacher is not allowed the paper, electronic paper either. No idea dead or alive.”

“You mean-”

“Kreacher means Master Regulus.” Remus nods. 

“Yes, yeah, he’s, he’s really happy. Safe. With Sirius.” Kreacher’s eyes glass over for a moment. 

“Good.” And with that he turns on his heal and hurries back down the hall. Remus feels his stomach roll. 

“There’s all kinds of pictures in there. After Sirius fled my husband burned most of his photos, the family tree almost went up in flames when he tried to burn Sirius’ face off it.” Wallburga says gesturing to a box that had been placed on the table between them. Remus opens it. “Take them, after Irma left I have no use for poisoned memoires.”

“Are you sure? I understand they’ve been disowned, but, families family.” Remus looks up to her then. 

“I have an album, these I have no use for. They’re scraps I could gather before Orion burned them.” Her eyes are glassed over again and she looks towards the window. Remus flips through the box. There’s photos of Regulus before he had cut his hair short, a few of Sirius and Regulus stood next to what Remus assumes is Kreacher as children. School photos and piano lessons snapped carefully under dull lighting. There’s a few baby photos as well, of which brother Remus couldn’t tell, but the ones that stand out the most are the ones of Sirius. Sirius who was far too skinny and far too pale in them, track marks up and down his arms. There’s a few where he’s in nothing but his boxers and being held up by two pairs of hands down the hall. There’s some where a bald extremely pale man dressed in all black is in the process of injecting him with something, drugs or a cure Remus is not sure. There’s photos of Sirius’ face captured in big hands, pupils blown wide as the camera is shoved in his face. There’s some of Regulus too, hooked up to machines in the hospital, hair cut jagged and shaved at odd angles. Pictures of Regulus at what looks like a wilderness camp but Remus is sure is a conversion one. Pictures of Regulus with black bands tapped around his wrists and bruises down his ribs. There’s more than Remus wants there to be and carefully he piles them to one side of the box, the childhood photos to the other.

“Thank you.” Remus manages, swallowing the bile down. 

“Of course.” Walburga says montone as ever. Remus clears his throat. 

“We’ve talked about how it was raising these two, how they acted, their memories. Tell me Ms. Black, how were you during all over this?” She stares at him for a very long moment before her mouth opens back up. 

When he’s guided to the door, this time by Kreacher not Wallburga he is far more relived than he thought he would be. Kreacher pulls the heavy door, using his whole body to do so, and pushes the small of Remus’ back to guide him to the front steps. He looks over his shoulder back in the house before grabbing up Remus’ hand in his own and stuffing something into it, before the door is slammed shut and Remus is left confused and displaced. Slowly he stares down at the slip of paper. Undore teh lead. Remus frowns at it. 

What? He runs his fingers over the slip of paper as if it would reveal it’s secret and when it doesn’t Remus’ frown deepeans. He turns and heads down the gravel path and past the gate, watching the street carefully for Sirius’ car. A big black thing, with a leather interior. A company car he had informed Remus that morning. When Remus can’t spot it he frowns, slipping out his phone about to text the number Sirius had given him when he sees Sirius had bet him to it. 

Up the road, Kreacher kept watching me from the window. 

Right, of course. Slowly Remus makes his way up the hill of a street, wincing when he feels his knee strain. 

Sirius

He’s sat knee bobbing with two cups of coffee in his hands and a destroyed lower lip. When he had spotted Kreacher peering at him through the window he couldn’t help but squirm, and his first instinct was to get Remus out. But then this whole morning, all these emotions he had no idea what to do with, would be wasted. So instead he had drove down the street back to James’ coffee shop, missing him by five minutes and ordered two of whatever he could manage to read from the board and settling a street up under a tree. 

He hasn’t been able to stop shaking. 

Kreacher was always kind to him and Regulus. What his parents lacked in… well… parenting, Kreacher provided to the best of his abilities. Sirius had returned in kind, offering him lessons in English when he finally understood that Kreacher was not educated, cleaned up his mess when Kreacher was around, never once going off at him, not until. Well. Not until he had left and Regulus had ended up in the hospital. Kreacher and him stopped speaking after that. And now, all this time later having his beady eyes back on him, it, well. It made his skin crawl. 

There’s a soft thunk on the passenger side door and Sirius startles, looking to see Remus’ figure looming over the car, he hastily unlocks the door. 

“Are you okay?” Is the first thing he manages, the first words he’s spoken since Remus had gone up to that blasted house. Remus is slow to respond, wincing as he pulls his leg into the car, placing a box and bag between his feet. There’s a crumpled piece of paper in his hands and Sirius wants to ask a million different questions, a million different thoughts racing through is head begging to be let out. But he doesn’t, instead he waits, and waits, and waits…

“Fine. Just.” Remus waves his hand, “stiff. Cold weathers not the best with me.” And then there’s more questions more thoughts bracing to be let out. Remus turns then to study him, face squished into the headrest, “and tired.” He stares a moment longer, “you look wrecked though?” It’s almost soft, and Sirius has to force himself to stop shaking, stop acting. He shoves a cup into Remus’ chest. 

“Coffee. I brought coffee, here.” Remus stares down at the cup, a frown on his face before he delicately takes it from his hand. He takes a sip and winces. 

“Got them.” Remus gestures to the box. Sirius eyes slip down, down, down to the ragged thing, and he can feel his heart quicken. 

“Oh.” Is all he can manage.

“She just handed, a whole box of stuff to me. Said your father burned everything else.” Remus takes another sip from his cup, again wincing and Sirius wants to ask, but doesn't. Because it’s only been a few days but he’s starting to understand that maybe Remus doesn’t like questions. “We should go. Got to hand these off to Mary and Cassandra.” Sirius starts the car, the heavy beat of his heart quickening again.

Remus

He stops by his office first. Needing a moment to breathe. A moment to think. A moment to get rid of the horrible memories in that box before Sirius sees them. He sets the box down, strips his jacket off and tugs the cufflinks until they fall to his desk as well. He was fine pretending to be someone else, he was good at it even, but that didn’t stop it from being too much. 

He shoves the jewels into the bottom of a draw, draws the curtains shut on the glass wall and flips on the lamp at his desk. Carefully he takes the lid to the box off and starts sorting the photos into piles. When he’s done there’s a fair bit more of the bad memories than the good. He wonders if that was intentional, wonders if that is how Walburga was trying to get under his skin. Expert liar, Sirius had said, was there more that she was keeping? Did she hand these over to make sure only the bad were posted? Did she had these over as a warning, a ‘look what happens when you get too close to the Blacks’? He doesn’t know, doesn’t care to know, he slides the bad memories back into their box, slots the lid over the thing and opens the draw to his desk, stuffing it all the way down and slamming the thing closed. Neatening the photos he slides them into an envelope and just stares. Stares ahead a the wall and thinks, thinks about everything he’s learned in a such a short hour. His head hurts, spins, too much all at once, he opens a pad of paper, hits play on the tape he had recorded and writes out his facts.

Chapter Text

Remus  

He’s standing by the gate waiting for Lily, Teddy and Harry when a very small blonde girl runs up to him.

“Uh, hi.” He stares down at her for a long moment she stares back unblinking. 

“Hi.” She says, voice high and airy. She bunches her hands in her dress. “My mam’s not here yet.” She says just as light. “You have wrackspurts.” She points at his head and Remus runs a hand through his hair. 

“Sorry?” She tugs at his hand.

“Wrackspurts!” She says, he looks around for any other parent that looks remotely like her, to his luck there is none. He crouches down. 

“Where are you meant to be?” He asks carefully, she still has her hand curled up in his fingers tapping his palm. 

“With Miss Minerva.” She looks up at his head, running her hand through the air right next to his face. “They’re not dangerous, don’t be scared.” She says very seriously, “just worried.” Remus still hasn’t seen her blink. Right. 

“How about we get you back to Miss Minerva huh?” The other parents were starting to move towards the gate now, taking their kids home, the next class is lined up to be led out, he can see Teddy’s bright hair. The girl tugs on his hand and he gets back up ignoring the crack his knee makes. 

“Silly Nargles.” She says patting his knee. 

“What’s your name love?” He asks then as she starts to walk back towards the school. 

“Luna, Luna Lovegood!” She says cheerily, he remembers Harry talking about someone named Luna. 

“Hi Luna, I’m Remus.” 

“I know, you’re Harry’s uncle, Miss Lily is your sister.” Remus blinks down at her, “Harry’s my cousin.” She smiles up at him, “well mam says he is.”

“Is your Mum Petunia?” He thought she had only had the one, and there is no way this sweet girl was in anyway related to her. 

“MAM!” Luna squeals running now and letting go of Remus’ hand, she jumps straight up into the arms of a tall narrow women with bleach blonde dreadlocks decorated in a million different beads and hoops. 

“Hi Starflower.” The women smiles swinging Luna about now. She’s dawned in a long white flowing shirt, a brown corset and a pair of cream sharwal’s. Her chunky cardigan is decorated in stars. “Hi,” she says, voice warm and luring as she steps closer to him. “I’m Pandora, are you waiting for your kid?” 

“That’s Remus Mam.” Luna says, “he’s full of Wrackspurts.” Pandora looks down to her daughter for a moment and then back up at Remus. 

“Lily’s Remus? Oh, and so you are. I have a tea that would help.” She tilts her head, similarly to her daughter she doesn’t seem to blink. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You’re anxious darling. Some of the living world are able to see the auras or emotions another might be feeling, but you, you’re full of anxious dread. It’s all around you.” She runs her hand through the air right next to his face just as her daughter had. 

“I’m fine, really.” He looks around for Teddy, he can’t find him. 

“I’ll give Lily some tea, you must come over sometime, Harry loves telling Luna all about you, and Lily never quite shuts up about you, we’re dying to meet you. In your own time, though. Something tells me you’re moving through the path least taken at the moment.” Remus doesn’t even want to begin to unwrap what that might mean. 

“Panda!” Lily’s voice flows over them and he turns to watch her walking up the hill, Harry on her hip, Teddy holding onto her hand. The second he sees Remus he runs right up to him. 

“Remmy!” Teddy cries and Remus has just enough time to crouch down and catch him in his arms. 

“Hi Pup.” Remus smiles brightly, hoisting him up until he’s settled. “How was school?”

“Bright.” Teddy says leaning his head down against Remus’ shoulder, Remus looks to Lily worry etching into his face. 

“They were fixing the lights, the bulbs are fluorescent now- yes Harry, okay,” she puts the restless toddler down and he runs right up to Pandora. 

“Loony!” 

“You two were just with each other,” Pandora says fondly, but she manages to juggle the both of them in her arms. 

“They brought the wrong bulbs, it upset Teddy a bit.” Lily continues hugging him from the side. She seemed tired. 

“Ah,” Remus says, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, “you okay?” He asks, very aware of Pandora's eyes still on him. 

“Longg day.” Lily sighs. He smiles a little. 

“Want to go to the p-a-r-k?” He asks then and she tilts her face up to look at him. 

“We need a new co-word,” she whispers, “Harry's figured it out,” Remus’ eyes trail up to where Harry looks like he might burst from excitement in Pandora’s arms. 

“Can we PLEASEEEEE ?” He asks, eyes bright and hands moving faster than should be possible. “Can Luna come? As well?” Remus bites into his lip. 

“We can buddy, but you'll have to ask Pandora not Remus,” Lily leans forward kissing her son on his forehead who spins in Pandora's arms and looks up to her. 

“May Luna come with us today?” Harry asks and then he's spun back around, “sleepover as well? With Teddy and Luna! They don't get to talk much,” Harry pouts and Remus feels Teddy’s legs start to kick. Right. “He's in Hufflepuff in your class mum.” Harry says matter of fact, “and Loony’s a ravenclaw! They don't share lunch like us.” 

“Course she can baby.” Pandora says airily, "if Lily doesn't mind watching her?” Pandora smiles kindly and Lily beams. 

“Not at all. I'll grab her carseat from you.” Okay. 3 kids for a whole night. That doesn't sound like a bad idea. At. All. 

Sirius

James is on a run after work. Which means Sirius was on a run after work. And he would sit there and argue he hates it, that he hates getting sweaty and gross first thing after work, that he hates the ragged feeling in his body afterwards. Especially after the day they just had. But that would be a lie. And Sirius Black didn't lie. 

In fact he loved it . 

He loves the feeling of being alive pumping through his body, the sheer electricity shooting through every atom. The feeling of forever and freedom. When they were younger James and Sirius used to train all of the time, they were both on the soccer team all right up to their 12th year of highschool, before James’ addiction to it all started and he was taken off the team, off the field. Pushing himself to new means meant training 12 out of the 18 hours he was awake, eating barely nothing, sleeping barely ever just so he could run another lap and pull more weights, just so he could be better . Until his accident. Sirius had quit in solitude, and he had hated that, hated not being able to run, to play. When James was getting better his therapist suggested slowly reintroducing himself to the training and the sport. Marlene helped him with the actual game training but Sirius stuck to running, marathon training. 

“You're slowing down old man,” James calls against the wind, Sirius feels a flare of anger under his skin. 

“I'm barely a Year older!” Sirius pushes forward, his breathing jagged in his chest, the feeling in his fingertips nearly gone. 

“Well stop acting like it's 20 then!” Sirius overtakes him, fuck marathon training this is now a sprint. “THERE THEY ARE!” James cheers but he's hot on his heel and Sirius pushes himself further, he tries to remember how to even out his breathing instead of gasping, tries to remember how to keep his pace even but he wanted to win and that was a dangerous thing for Sirius Black. 

“Sod off Potter,” Sirius yells back when James almost trips him, pushes himself harder again, they're back in the trees that line the park, Sirius’ hands coming up and blocking branches, snapping a few off on accident. He can feel Kreacher’s eyes on him from this morning. James is huffing behind him, Sirius can tell he's struggling to keep up, maybe they should quit, maybe this was too fast, but then James almost over takes him and Sirius fucking loses it . He can feel the silence in the car as he drove Remus back . He picks up pace, charges forward and ignores everything else. He can still feel Remus disappearing from every room Sirius was in, can watch him avoid him for the rest of the day, can’t help but think about what Walburga had told him. He picks up a pace, relishes in the feeling that overtakes his body, the lightness to him, his bones and joints and being, the clarity in his head the quietening thoughts the faster he ran, relishes in the feeling of nothing just this once. 

“Sirius!” James calls but he has just broken past the trees right into the actual park, he's running across the large green fields, moisture and loose blades hugging to his leggings. “Siri!” James yells, but he can see their stuff just up ahead, he was so close. He crashes, right into the field rolling onto his back, chest heaving and eyes tracking the sky crazed. His hands fly to their bags, digs for his water, gulps at it before he can hear James running up. “Mate what the fuck? Did I actually offend you?” James crashes down next to him. “You're not old,” he almost snaps before he snatches the bottle of water from Sirius’ hands and Sirius groans. 

“Potter. Give me back the water.” James lets it go instantly and Sirius nearly downs it. “You're getting slow.” Sirius says then when his breathing settles. 

“Oi!” James is smirking, “you're not so bad yourself.” He leans his head back, arms resting on his knees. “Godrick I missed this.” Sirius peers up at him. 

“Losing?”

“So funny,” James snatches the water back Sirius lets him. “No. Running with you, not worrying about things for a bit.” Sirius hums. 

“Yeah.” There's a ping from his phone and he looks over to it

Little Red Riding Hood:

That better not be you that I can see 

The brightest star:

What??? 

He looks up then neck craning to look around the park, sure enough he can see Lily’s bright hair, three very energetic children running in circles around her and… oh. 

Little Red Riding Hood:

Leave. 

“Hey we should-”

“Oi! Is that Evans?” James is up, swinging his bag onto his shoulder. “Lily! Harry!” He’s already half way across the park before Sirius is stumbling to his feet grabbing at his things. 

“JAMES!” He hisses but he can't hear him. 

Godrick please save him, Lily Evans was going to murder him. 

Remus

“Lily.” Remus stops all of a sudden his eyes latched onto two blurry figures up ahead. “Pray tell why my boss is walking over here with your ex.” Teddy, Luna and Harry have wandered off to the swings now. Lily looks like a deer in headlights, Remus doesn’t understand what’s happening. 

More importantly he doesn’t want to understand.

“Not now, not yet, please. ” She mutters before she takes off running to meet James half way. Remus feels sick. 

“Uncle Rem-us! Come push me!” Harry calls. But Remus can barely hear him, instead he’s watching as Lily becomes animated with anger, first hitting James and then Sirius on the shoulder, gesturing back towards him. Her arms are raised, her face flushed, James’ face is turning a darker shade, hand rubbing the back of his neck, Sirius is looking anywhere but at Lily, Lily’s voice is higher and higher until she catches sight of him. He doesn’t move, what was happening. Her shoulders heave and she has her head in her hands, James’ resting on her shoulder, Sirius hasn’t looked his way yet. 

“Remmy!” Teddy cries, he turns to make sure he’s okay and watches as him and Luna slide down the slide together, hands clasped tight with bright smiles on their face. Remus hasn’t seem him like that for a while. He looks back to Lily to see her marching towards him, the two men trailing after her like cattle to a slaughter house. No. Nope. Whatever was happening he wanted no part of it. He marches into the park and starts to push Harry. 

Sirius

Sirius Black wasn’t scared of a lot. He’s been through more near death experiences in his life than an entire highschool worth of kids would in their entire life time. In fact he prided himself on not being scared of the average, spiders, the dark, planes, murder, whatever, it took a lot to get him scared. And yet somehow Lily Evans was that everything. 

“Lil’s I didn’t know you’d be here.” James pleads, Sirius hasn’t said anything, he didn’t want to say anything. “It’s a public park.”

“I texted Sirius!” She cries, “Remus, he doesn’t know. I’ve made such a mess of this all.” 

“We know.” James says, “but he’s your brother, he’s not going to walk out now.” He pats her shoulder and Sirius feels the anxious buble in his chest grow. 

When he had first met Lily they were in University. James was always hanging around her so evidently Sirius was always hanging around her and it was hard to not be drawn into the very being that was Lily Evans. She was loud, funny, sturdy and sure of herself, moved all the way to the middle of London by herself fresh out of highschool, not a glimmer of self doubt or grief. They had clicked instantly, in a way that he hadn’t with anyone else. She was kind when he was mean, she was soft when he was sharp. She always seemed to have everything in her life carefully placed and tied together, and she offered that strength to him like it costed nothing.

That was until just after her brother had graduated from his own course and she was more stressed than he had ever seen her. They all knew she had a brother, someone by the name of Remus. It was hard to miss, if you knew Lily Evans then you knew Remus Lupin, if not by person then by his storied spirit. She showed off photos and stories, proud as ever. But after Remus had graduated - right around when they were about to graduate themselves - the happy stories of their childhood turned to worried panicked ones. Remus not knowing what to do with his life, Remus feeling out of place, Remus barely making ends meet. He hated seeing her like that, hated learning that everything wasn’t as perfect as she portrayed it. He had  offered her an out, sent out of internship across London, urged her to get him to apply, Remus did study communications and journalism in university, maybe there was something there. 

It had taken a while to convince her, but eventually she sent it to Remus, and he was almost instantly hired. It wasn’t to do with the fact that he was another lost soul he was trying to help, or that Lily needed a favour, it was exactly as he had told Remus. His writing was brilliant. Truly amazing, his voice was strong, that was evident through each and every article he submitted for review. The first month was the hardest. Lily was panicked over every text she got from both him and Remus, scared that she would slip up, that Remus would figure out she had something to do with this job. That she had laid it out for him - or heaven forbid pitied him - so they both worked hard, harder than they should to keep it a secret until she was ready. 

But now, now he had really gone around and screwed that all up. 

“Lil’s-” 

“Enough James,” She sighs, takes a deep hallowing breath. “He was going to find out, I just hoped not like this.” She looks back to Remus then, Sirius allows himself to look as well, watches his face light up when Harry cheers the higher he gets on the swing, watches Luna with a young blonde child bob on the see-saw. She marches forward, and they follow. 

Remus.

He didn't know what to do. 

It could be nothing, it was probably nothing. A coincidence. 

Maybe.

Maybe they had bumped into each other after work and started to hang out, James was always easy going, Sirius was never one to shy from friendly companionship. Maybe he was James friend, not Lily’s. Maybe, maybe, maybe-

“Rem,” Lily says softly stepping up to the swing. He pushes Harry's back gently, his sole attention on the small boy.

“Dad!” He squeaks, “uncle Siri-us!” He almost jumps from the swing and Remus catches onto his waist before he slams into the floor. 

“Uncle Sirius, uncle James!” Luna says happily running over hand interlocked with Teddy’s, how this small girl had known Teddy for less than 40 minutes and had already gotten over the issue of touch with him was beyond him. It had taken Remus months to figure that out. Sirius smiles at the three of them but doesn't greet them, unlike James who has crouched to their height and was now tickling them. 

Uncle Sirius.  

Fuck. 

“Rem this is Padfoot and Prongs.” Lily says softly.

Remus was fucked. 

Sirius

He's not saying anything, but Sirius notices the twitch in his eyebrow. If Lily Evans didn't murder him, he was almost certain Remus Lupin would, and he'd make it look like an accident. 

“Remus.” Lily says, brushing her son's hair out of his face when he clings to her. Sirius doesn't know what to do with himself, doesn't know what he was meant to say. Lily looks almost pleading though, and he hates that. He think Remus does as well, judging by the emotions flashing across his face before he settles on something neutral. 

“Right.” Remus' voice comes out dry, Sirius bites into his own lip. “Mr Black,” Remus nods. Fuck. 

“Hi,” his voice is weak, he clears his throat. “Hi Remus.” 

“James.” Remus looks away from him sole attention on James now, he hates that almost as much as the death glares Remus was sending him, “nice to see you again.” James offers a pleasant smile. 

“You too mate, how are you?” Remus shrugs and then turns away and back towards the park, the blonde boy runs off after him. 

“He hates me.” Lily says. 

“He doesn't hate you.” Jame’ reply is automatic, swinging Luna up on his hip. 

“Why is uncle Rem-us angry?” Harry asks, Sirius scoops him up then, still watching Remus retreat.

“He's not angry love,” Sirius whispers, watching as Remus helps the blonde up the stairs of the playground. “That's Teddy?” Sirius asks, Lily sighs. 

“Yeah that's him.” She runs a hand through her hair. “He hates me.” James pats her shoulder. 

“He doesn't.” Sirius bites into his lip. 

“Come on buddy,” he jostles Harry higher on his hip and heads towards the park. 

Remus 

“Hi.” Remus jumps spinning around staring into Sirius’ almost silver eyes.

“Hi Harry,” Remus ignores the man holding his godson, instead leaning down to match Harry's eyes. 

“Hi hi,” Harry says happily, he looks up to Sirius and then back to him and Remus almost wants to plead with the kid to not ask. “Uncle Rem-us why are you angry at uncle Siri-us?” Remus glowers up at the man before glancing back down to Harry, he forces the muscles in his jaw to settle, offering a small smile.

“I’m not upset at him bud,” Remus says keeping his voice light, “Pup do you need help?” He then turns, focusing on Teddy, ignoring the parasite of a man behind him. Ignoring the pain in his chest.

“No thanks, Remmy.” But it comes out as fanks, he bobs down and sits at the top of the slide.

“Pup?” Sirius asks, a flare of anger strikes through Remus. 

“Yes Mr.Black.” Remus mutters offering his hand out to Teddy who shakes his head. “A nickname, or are you not familiar with that term padfoot. ” He spits the word like venom, he can feel Sirius stiffen behind him.

“I'm coming Teddy!” Harry squeaks when he's placed onto the playground, his shoes thump against the metal floor as he climbs up and sits behind Teddy, Remus watches as they fly down and sighs. 

“Don't be mad at her.” Sirius says smally, it sounds like a plead. “Hate me, yell at me. Whatever. But don't be mad at her, she's delicate. We both know that.” Remus swings around then, as if the man new a single fucking thing about any of them. 

“I'm not mad at her.” He snaps eyes ablaze. “I’m disappointed. I'm upset. I- I’m betrayed. And you should be ashamed.” He goes to push Sirius, hands raised between them, it would be so easy. But. But Sirius would be used to that, he would accept it even, Walburga had made that clear earlier this morning and Remus feel guilt lick up his throat until he hates himself. So he stops, drops his arms back to his side, sets his shoulders back and turns to follow after Teddy who’s now climbing back up the steps, feet uneven and hands death gripped to the railing like he couldn’t trust himself not to fall. 

“I don’t…” Sirius starts, stops, opens his mouth again. “I don’t want you to feel that way.” He admits, and Remus has to clench his jaw. 

“Sucks then, huh?” Remus snaps, eyeing as Teddy tumbles up onto the platform. Luna comes up to him then, sticks her hand out and grabs onto his own like it was a familiar gesture.

“Can you help me up, please?” Luna asks, her voice airy. 

“I’ve got you Luna-”

“Sure love,” Remus cuts off Sirius, and helps her up onto the platform, “can you climb the stairs?” He asks, and her head nods, nods, nods. 

“First steps always tricky, Mam says to always ask for help though, no Wrackspurts that way!” Remus nods his head along, as if any of that made sense. 

“She’s talking about anxiety.” Sirius sighs behind him. Remus gives him a look. “Her mums a witch, of sorts. Specialises in mental health and home grown remedies.” Remus looks back to the bright eyed toddler, her blonde hair bobbing in the wind. Remus lets a soft smile grow on his face. 

“Remmy.” Teddy grabs his attention. “Scars?” Remus stops for a second as Teddy reaches for his face, small fingers poking his cheek where a scar should be. “Healed?” Teddy tilts his head. 

“No pup it’s-”

“There’s nothing to heal Teddy.” Sirius says over him, almost instantly, almost hotly, like the very notion was a ridiculous idea. “Remus’ face is fine. Just makeup.” He shows off his arm, it’s then that Remus realises he’s dressed in a low hanging tank top and tight fitting leggings. His eyes glance over to James who’s dressed similarly, shorts replacing the leggings. He frowns at the pair of them, what are you doing here . “See? Kind of like these.” He shows off his tattoos to Teddy who’s small hand falls from Remus face to hover over Sirius’ arm. There’s a patchwork of stars that stretch out across his collarbone and shoulder down his forearm, Remus traces the pattern with his eyes. “You can touch.” Sirius says carefully and Teddy snatches his hand back. 

“He doesn’t like strangers.” Remus has a bite to his tone, instantly wanting to pull Teddy close, protect him from this whole dilemma. Sirius eyes widen ever so.

“Neither do I, don’t worry.” Sirius reassures the small blonde. 

“Well I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t a stranger to you before you hired me then, huh?” Remus snaps, stepping between the two of them. And instantly he sees a flash of anger settle in Sirius’ eyes, something like a thunder storm hitting the ground. 

“That has nothing to do-”

“Save it.” Remus cuts him off not wanting a single thing to do with him anymore. 

Sirius

In hindsight, this was bound to have played out like this. 

He may have known Remus for short of a week now, properly known him, not just known of him. But a few things were already saved in his brain. 

1. Remus did not like personal questions
2. He didn’t like being in the centre of attention
3. He was a person of flight, the second something became uncomfortable he ran away 
4. He drank coffee like it was life support
5. He hated being pitied

“Remus.” Sirius says evenly. Remus ignores him, and it’s then that the anxiety switches to anger, switches to fear, switches to- he lashes out, grabbing Remus by his elbow until they’re face to face. “Listen to me when I tell you this, my having of known of your sister has nothing, nothing, to do with my hiring you. What I told you yesterday, what I told you ages ago, is the truth. I do not lie, I have never lied to you. And I will never lie to you.” Remus swallows, hard, and Sirius has to force himself not to trace his throat, has to force himself to stare at Remus’ face, has to focus everything into understanding the man before him. His eyebrow twitches and Sirius gets the sickening sense that Remus is about to leave. 

“As much as that sounds lovely , and I’m very sure it has worked for you in the past. I don’t believe you. If you know Lily, then you know far more about me than I do you. And your life is plastered everywhere for everyone to see. Because you chose to. I didn’t chose to reveal a single thing about myself to you, you were never even playing fair to begin with.” He almost snarls and Sirius quickly looks towards the three kids who have stopped playing and instead huddle close by to listen. 

“Lily! I’m taking your brother, can you watch these three?” And without a word being sent back, or an okay from Remus he tugs, tugs hard and drags them both off towards the treeline where he and James had been moments ago. Remus snaps his arm away from him like he had been burnt. His face is twisted up in anger and Sirius has to take a deep breath in to calm himself. They can’t both be angry, they’ll get no where. “Yell. Go for it.” Remus snarls at him. 

“I’m not going to punish you because that’s easy for you to deal with.” Remus snaps. “You fucked up. You fucked up so bad you feel horrible about it.” And then as if he was thinking hard about his next words, he adds “ I hope it sticks to everything that makes you, you.” Sirius takes a step forward. 

“You don’t know a single fucking thing about me Mr Lupin.” Sirius keeps his tone even.

“I can assure you, Mr. Black that I know more than enough.” Remus is quick to respond, stepping forward. 

“Oh?” Is Sirius quick and smooth reply. “That’s just like you isn’t it? Thinking you know everything, thinking that you can get anything if you bat your eyes hard enough and fake enough smiles.” Sirius takes another step.  

“Because I work for it, unlike you who was handed every single fucking thing on the planet.” Remus steps forward again.

Remus 

Things he knew about Sirius.

1. He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
2. He hated confrontation 
3. His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
4. He had far too much and far too little self confidence
5. He drank coffee like he needed it

Things he knew about dealing with what was happening right now?

He wanted to leave, pick up Teddy, sprout some half assed excuse to Lily and go home and hide. He didn’t want any part of this, right now, fighting with his Boss in public. Didn’t want any part of Lily betraying him. Didn’t want any part of Sirius understanding him, seeing him. But. He can’t, he’s rooted to the spot with anger, something that he hadn’t felt in a long, long time. Something that he used to feel all of the time. Something that he kind of… misses?

“Please Remus,” Sirius scoffs then. “You met my mother today, you know that you and I are exactly the same.” He takes another step towards him. 

“Oh yeah, she had so many lovely things to say about you.” He spits, hating that this man thought them anything similar, “should’ve figured it out as soon as I left really, that all Blacks are the same. Filthy, manipulative, liars.” He takes a step forward, the space between them closing in. Something flashes in Sirius’ eyes. 

“I am nothing like her.” Sirius snarls, finally, finally the anger is there, Remus can see it, drawn up in his face, in the way he holds himself. They’re on even playing grounds. 

“I have a tape that would beg to differ.” Remus retorts. “You know what? I quit.” He says it before he thinks about it, says it before he means it, says it and trips himself up, feeling all the part the beast his parents warned him about. He watches the anger fade to alarm in Sirius face, feels a slight bit of triumph before he hates himself. 

Sirius

This was not the way this was meant to go. 

This was not how things were meant to play out, Sirius was trying to get Remus to get angry so that they could talk, if he was angry he would speak to him, if he was tense and scared he would leave . He had miscalculated though, because here Remus was about to run away. He flicks through everything he knew about the man before him, flicks through everything he knew about himself. He smooths his expression, lets out a short laugh.

“Nah.” He says. Simple. To the point. 

“Excuse me? ” Is Remus’ quick retort. It’s a flash of emotion really, something so quick if he wasn’t looking for it he would have missed it, the smallest twinge of confusion of hope . 

“Nope.” Sirius says, “no, not happening, nada, no.” Sirius takes a step back, looks over to Lily and James and the kids, Lily who’s watching them intently, James who has Harry up on his shoulders. “You can’t quit. More importantly, you don’t want to.”

“Oh you think so?” Remus’ voice breaks, there’s a beat.

“I know so.” Sirius cracks his fingers, loosens his shoulders. “I know you, and not from what Lily has told me, in fact Lily has barely told me anything, the things she did tell me were only memories. You and her on her birthday, going shopping, school assignments. Nothing personal, nothing that would allow me to see you for you.” He pauses, waiting for Remus’ reaction, his eyebrow twitches. 

“Thought you didn’t lie-”

“Guess I’m not lying then, huh? Lily has told me nothing about you. You did that all yourself.” Here he waits, waits for Remus to say something, and when he doesn’t Sirius can’t help the rambling that starts to follow, to fill the silence, he’s being idiotic, of course. He knows it, Remus was replaceable, but being his favourite in his entire workplace, that wasn’t replaceable. His voice could be found in anyone else, if they applied themselves, but the unnerving need to tear Remus’ story apart? Understand the man stood before him? All jagged edges and curled snarls and hidden memories, he wouldn’t be able to replace that. He didn’t want to replace that. And maybe that was selfish, but god help him if Sirius Black wasn’t a selfish creature. 

“You freaked out when I asked about Teddy, shut down and reverted to anger before you fled. You don’t being personal with strangers then.” He counts his facts, counts them on his fingers and Remus follows the motion with his eyes. “You shut down when the room turns to you, both when you were introduced and when you brought up your brilliant idea to invade my childhood home. So you don’t like people, in general, don’t like crowds, don’t like being seen. Moony is a persona, someone you play so that people can’t know you, you build up walls and things to protect yourself.” Another finger is added to the first, his other hand gesturing as he keeps

on 

rambling. 

“You’ve been hurt, but that’s life, and you will continue to get hurt, but that’s also life.” Another finger, “you smile and bat your eyes and fake conversations when you’re uncomfortable, sat through Gideon flirting with you, so that you could go through with something incredibly risky afterwards. You seek approval, put yourself at risk and are reckless because, well, I assume your childhood wasn’t great. You’re like me, if you seem untouchable then you can get through anything.” Another finger. Remus crosses his arms like he’s trying to protect himself. “You walked into my mothers house with confidence and exited with the same, you can deal with heavy dark things because you’ve obviously been through heavy and dark things. But heaven forbid someone gets close.” Another finger is pointed and it’s then that he realises he’s run out of them. “You want to know what I think?”

“No.” He continues anyway, unable to stop himself. 

“I think you offered to sneak into my childhood home to prove that you were worthy of the position I just handed you. I think you think yourself a burden, and you will do anything to repay non existent debts because you hate yourself. And that Remus, is so, so wrong.” He takes a deep breath, he masks his face. “You run when things get hard emotionally. You did at the playground just then, but anger, anger you can deal with, or you wouldn’t still be standing here. None of this, none of it , is Lily’s doing, and all of that is why you have a job with me, not because of Lily. Because you are a strong willed individual with potential.” He takes a step forward, “so no, Remus, you don’t quit. You’ve only just begun.” 

“You’re so full of yourself.” Remus mutters, but there’s a hint of him there, a hint of who Remus really was. “You’re infuriating. Insufferable, I hate you. But no. No I don’t quit.” 

“Fair.” Sirius offers a laugh, tries to break the tension desperately. “But you don’t hate me.” He’s almost unsure as he says it.

“Would be so much easier if I did.” Remus sighs, rolls his neck, it cracks awfully and then there’s questions again, so many. He wants more than surface level understanding, wants to take apart the story of Remus Lupin, wants to be apart of the story even.

Remus

Of course he was the maker of his own doom. 

Of course he was. Wasn’t that how things always were? Careful steps taken forward only to realise after that he was leading himself into his own trap, one carefully made by his own hands. Thick with gasoline and he’s the one holding the match. He stares at Sirius, unblinking, refusing to back down now. It had barely been what? A week, a few days and here Sirius was, claiming to know every lie he’s crafted to protect himself, every wall set up. Because… well. Why? Why did any of that matter to the man. He could find another editor, his writing was good, but it was replaceable. He was replaceable. He looks over slowly to Lily and James, Lily has her hands rung together neatly, she’s nodding along as Luna rambles and Remus’ eyes widen. 

Because of Lily. Hate me, yell at me. Whatever. But don't be mad at her, she's delicate. We both know that. He was protecting Lily, of course he was. This. All of this, removing them from her before they almost teared each other apart, yelling at each other instead of fighting, taking him apart carefully, showing him that he was being seen, only to leave him open and anxious, it was careful, and planned. He didn’t matter but she did. 

“Whatever, Mr Black.” Remus says then, takes a step back, then another and another until he’s walking up to Lily and pulling her close into a hug, tight, tighter until she’s shaking in his arms. 

“I’m so-”

“Don’t.” Remus shushes her, “this was it, right?” He pulls back, looks her in her face. “The thing you were running from?” She nods her head, bites her lip, brings her hands up to her face and hides. 

“It wasn’t meant to happen like this.”

“Lil’s this was the only way it would’ve happened.” Remus snorts and she peaks up at him through her fingers. 

“You’re not mad?”

“Nah.” He repeats Sirius’ words, “never at you.” And it was true, he was never mad at her, and only her. For whatever reason, Lily was the only constant in his broken rules. 

“Gods Remus.” She sighs then, shakes out her hands. “Okay. Okay. We’re moving forward.” She decides and he smiles at her, genuinely. 

“Sure thing.” She looks relieved, it’s then that he realises that Sirius had walked back with him, had taken to sitting on one of the swings, Luna having ran over to him to sit down by his feet talking a mile a minute. 

“Did they… did he say anything.” Lily bites the inside of her cheek. “I sent you the referral for the job under their request. I was worried about you. I know I shouldn’t have interfered. I know you hate that, but I just. Remus I was scared.” 

“I know. I did all the heavy lifting though.” He laughs and she looks at him strangely. “Lily, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but just because a friend offers you something, it doesn’t make it permanent” He cracks his fingers again, “especially with work, if I wasn’t somewhat good at what I do then I wouldn’t still be in a job.” She looks relived. 

“That almost sounds like self praise. Sirius is good for you, I’m glad.” Remus glares at her words, watching as Luna squeals when she’s picked up and spun around in Sirius’ arms. 

“Lil’s?” He says then. 

“Yeah?”

“Don’t ever keep things from me again.” Lily chokes at his tone but nods carefully. 

Sirius

It’s the morning after their… well. Fight . 

He’s sat in the conference room rather than his office, going through the first draft up’s of questions, scratching them out, re-wording some of them. Adding his own. There’s two mugs by him, and a coffee cup he stole from James when he dropped Regulus to work, now empty. He’s been here since seven, unable to sleep last night, unable to sit still. He’s already taken two of his tablets to beat down an emerging panic attack, he can feel it thrumming against his chest. Needs an out for this anxious dread. It’s dawning just after eight thirty now when he hears the door open at the other end of the room. 

Remus Lupin is wearing a brown blazar, large, oversized, even for him, there’s leather elbow pads stitched into material with golden thread. He’s in dark black skinny jeans, something Sirius has not seen him in ever , something that he has to remove his eyes from in force. A white button down shirt is dropped on his shoulder, open, tousled and wrinkled, revealing a tight fitting faded shirt, Ziggy Stardust, sprayed across it in electric red. His hair is a mess of bronze curls, tangled tightly against his forehead. There’s his cane as well, that he’s death gripping, a frown on his face as he scrolls through his phone and as always his beaten satchel. Sirius is definitely staring. 

“Morning Mr. Black. If your staring is going to be a regular occurrence I suggest to take a photo. It lasts longer.” Remus doesn’t even look up from his phone, his voice snarky as he strides across the room. Sirius chokes. Remus drops his bag down on the table right next to where Sirius was working, and climbs into the chair right next to Sirius, alarmingly close. He pulls up his leg up, the one that Sirius presumes doesn’t hurt and curls his arms around it, chin settled onto his knee. Eyes still glued to his phone. Sirius had no complaint about complimenting someone else's looks, he found that most people were pleasantly attractive. It didn’t take much for him to be drawn in to someone else's aesthetics, but Remus was otherworldly and he wasn’t sure what he was meant to do with his racing thoughts. 

“Morning.” Sirius replies not able to manage anything else, his voice is croaky, he clears it, still definitely staring. Remus finally looks at him, and Sirius is glad to find his scars there, hidden amongst his skin and not under layers and layers of makeup. This close Sirius can make out faint light brown freckles all over his face. Remus raises an eyebrow at him. 

“You right?” Remus almost snaps at him. The tension from yesterday was definitely still there then, he can all but feel it's fizz around them. Remus - prior to yesterday - had always been somewhat open with him, professional even, but this display of carelessness with the way he was dressed, the way he throws himself down, the way Remus was addressing him like Sirius’ title was no longer something Remus feared spoke for itself. It was almost addicting. 

“Fine, just. Fine.” He gestures to the work in front of him. “Trying to get through this.” Remus peers down at the pages like they’ve offended them.

“Right.” He turns back to his phone, fingers moving a mile a minute, click, click, clicking. “God I need coffee.” Remus grumbles, pushes himself to get back up but Sirius beats him to it. 

“I’ll grab you some. I’m empty anyway.” He gestured vaguely to the cups and bolts for the the door, trying to maintain his breathing.

Remus

He woke up late. Having three kids all wanting to talk well into the morning over at his house - no matter of ‘no we’re going to bed now’ seeming to deter them - was a nightmare, and having a Lily who also wanted to talk well into the morning was somehow worse. If he hadn’t laid out his outfit the night before he was almost certain he would’ve left the house in nothing but his jumper and boxers. Driving to work, Lily having taken the three kids to school was a nightmare, traffic was horrendous, he hadn't had coffee since 12 the night before and he could feel the anger simmering under his skin every time he was cut off on the roads. 

And then when he did get to work, there were questions, every corner he had bumped into someone from the Anniversary project and they had asked a million things all at once. Cups in their hands dotted with pages and pages of writing. Mary had thanked him personally for the photos, showing a few she had blown up and asking for his opinion. By the time he made it to the elevator he was very much done with people thank you very much. 

How was it in less than 48 hours he’s gone from a nobody in this company to someone everyone needed? How was it that the manageable amount of pages on his desk each morning had doubled and tripled and suddenly his signature was needed on everything ? How was it that Sirius Black coped with any of this?

Sirius Black, who wouldn’t stop staring at him the moment he walked in the room, who kept staring at him even after Remus had snapped, his bad mood not wavering in the slightest, who then proceeded to talk about more pages, watching and waiting as if Remus would lunge out like they did the day before. Sirius Black who instantly offered to get him coffee the second the words had left Remus’ mouth, as if the tension was one sided.

“Fuck.” He groans, drops his head back until it’s hanging over the back of the chair. “I am not made for this shit.” He can feel the itch under his skin, craving a cigarette and caffeine, craving his bed and the sheets and lack of adulting. He drums his fingers against the table, tap tap tapping. And then he slides into Sirius’ seat and starts looking over his notes, a red pen in his hands as he starts editing. This, he was made for this, for errors and mistakes and the very fluent notion of writing, this he can deal with, this he can do. 

Sirius

When he walks back into the room the first thing he notices is Remus has moved, instead of the chair he had chosen before he was now sat in Sirius’. Sirius’ leather jacket hooked around the back of it, Sirius’ pen in Remus’ hand, Remus’ hands all over his notes. 

He shivers. 

“Remus.” He says, offering the mug to him once he’s made it over to the table. Remus doesn’t answer him but he does take the cup, fingers brushing quickly against Sirius’ and takes a sip, wincing again, like he always did. 

“There is nothing fluent about any of this, what is wrong with people.” He says, still not looking at Sirius, hands moving through the pages. 

“ What? ” Sirius says, settling into Remus’ chair. Remus shoves some pages between the two of them, pen drawing lines across the page. 

“There’s no connection between any of these questions, there’s no story. They’re all random, look okay this one, ‘ growing up in a manor most of had some toll on you’ is right under, ‘when you were a child what did you want to be? Were those dreams ever heard?’ What? What?” He says incredulously. Takes another sip of the coffee, winces, takes another. Sirius frowns, wants him to slow down, wants to understand.

“Okay, but that’s what we’re working on, we’re going through the list, fixing and editing-”

“Okay but you accepted both of these.” Remus looks at him then, eyes ablaze and determined. “Look it's all your writing, little ticks and lines. Are you trying to bore the reader?” He feels a little bit like he’s being told off by a school teacher.

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” 

“Funny, always so funny. Si- Mr. Black. This is important .” Sirius’ heart soars at the mistake. “You chose the theme, these questions don’t represent the theme. You want to draw attention to the love you had for your brother, cousins, but growing up in a manor having some toll on you? Yeah sure did, you’re all arrogant now.” Sirius goes to protest but stops himself. “Did you have dreams as a kid? Yes, most likely, everyone did. And I and everyone reading already knows the answer is no to the part about them being heard.” Remus drums his fingers against the page, “and neither of those questions fall under the theme! Can’t lead to the theme either.” 

“O-kay then hotshot, how would you write the questions?” Remus doesn’t hesitate. 

“Growing up in a huge manor. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having no where to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence. It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?” Sirius breathes out, eyes a little wide. 

“Regulus-”

“Yes! But if I had asked the other question?” Remus presses. Sirius has to look down to the page, reading it and thinking. 

“It was always lonely, there was never anyone there or anything to do that wasn’t monitored by some maid you wouldn’t see the week after. The halls were cold, parents hidden away in rooms, making deals. You could hear a pin drop from one end of the house and know, just know that everyone heard it.” Remus’ face softens ever so slightly and then it’s guarded up again in an instant. If Sirius wasn’t looking for it he wouldn’t have noticed. 

“And that answer connects to the theme how?” Is his quick response. 

“Told you, you were perfect for this job.” Is Sirius’ just as quick response. Remus sputters, leaning back like he’s been burned. Sirius didn’t know when they leant in. He takes a sip from his mug, wincing again. 

Remus

His coffee was too sweet.

The way Sirius made coffee might as well be pure sugar. It’s milky white, alarmingly sweet and the worst part? He doesn't know how to tell Sirius to please stop making his coffee. Because he had figured out another thing about Sirius Black. 

1. He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
2. He hated confrontation 
3. His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
4. He had far too much and far too little self confidence
5. He drank coffee like he needed it
6. Sirius Black liked helping people, liked protecting people, liked people

Sirius takes a sip of his own milky white concoction and Remus cringes a little. He wants to ask how the fuck he drinks that . But he doesn’t. 

“So I take it you don’t like the rest of the questions then?” Sirius asks after a while. Remus looks down at the pages, takes another sip of his… milk. And tries not to wince. 

“No.” He drums his fingers and at the look Sirius gives him - something like distraught and like a kid being told their drawing is shit - he clears his throat. “But some of them can be saved.” Sirius perks up.

It’s an hour later when the room starts to fill with voices, people are settled all over the place, on the chairs at the conference table, in offices doors open, someone's lain out on the ground. He doesn’t remember their name. He and Sirius have been re-working the questions all morning, altogether they have a selection of ten that work, and a selection of thirty that don’t. 

1. Growing up in a manor, huge enormous even. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having no where to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence . It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?
2. When you were alone, how did you hope to pass the time? Were their dreams that you wished to come true? Friends that you missed? Did you and your cousins ever share similar dreams to you?
3. What was it like the first time you attended a ball or meeting? How old were you and what did you do to pass the time? 
4. Out of the darkness does any memory stick out the most? 
5. Do any happy memories stick out? Do any of them involve an adult figure? Do any of them involve your cousins?
6. What was the bond like between you and your cousins? Did you hate each other? Did you fight like siblings? Was it a relief to have someone at your side? Did you feel like you could fall back on someone? 
7. Is there anyone you wanted to thank? Or talk about in a positive light? Do you have anything you wish to say to this person, but can’t? 
8. If you could go back and change anything, bad, good, would you? What would this look like? What would the hoped outcome be like?
9. When was the first time you remember feeling loved? When was the first time you sat in silence and it was comfortable?
10. Can you remember a time where you felt the most free and loved? When was the first time you felt seen?

Remus stares down at the page of crossed out questions, pulling his laptop out and starts to type up the questions they’ve decided on.

“Twenty more to go.” Remus drums his fingers against his keys, eyes not moving the screen as he types. “And I need a break.” He says tying off the last question and then scrunching up the pages in front of him tossing them towards the centre of the table. Sirius looks at him, as if waiting for something. “I’m going to head to the roof.” Remus clarifies and Sirius still waits, and waits and waits

and then.

“If you’d like to join.” Remus mumbles out then, and Sirius perks up like a dog being told they were going on a walk. 

Sirius

Remus is crouched low to the ground, trying to light a cigarette between his teeth but the wind keeps blowing out his flame, even behind his hand. Sirius carefully steps in front of him and when the cigarette is lit he slips down to sit next to him. 

“Thanks.” Remus mumbles, sighs when smoke escapes his mouth, tilts his head back and sits so that his back is pressed up against the wall, Sirius mimics him. He stuffs the lighter back into his jacket pocket, removing it ever so and finds a bar of chocolate in his palm. “Lily.” Remus rolls his eyes. Sirius wants to ask.

“Lily?” Remus stares at him carefully. 

“I’m…” but he doesn’t continue so Sirius waits, and waits, and waits until Remus can’t deal with the silence anymore. “We kept talking last night, after. Well. After you were a dick.” Sirius goes to protest. “Big emotions, blah blah.” Remus is quick to continue, “we both ended up in tears, I didn’t sleep well. So she hid chocolate in my jacket. It’s, this little thing she picked up on, back in school. Helps.” He takes another drag of his cigarette, tucks the chocolate back into his pocket, Sirius stashes this piece of information away carefully. And then because he can’t help himself, he does something stupid.

“Come over tonight, bring Teddy.” Remus’ shoulders tense, in fact his whole body does. And it’s as if all the progress they made all morning to beat the tension goes to waste. Sirius watches the motion, every part of him slowing down and tightening up. He wants to make it go away as soon as it happens. “We usually uh,” Remus’ cigarette starts to turn to ash, “like. Once a week, all gather at mine, and we, just… hang out. Drink, smoke, release stress. You can meet everyone then, since Lily and I fucked up.” He coughs, tries to look subtly. “Harry and Luna will be there.” Remus sighs then, head dropping between his shoulders. 

“Right.”

Chapter Text

Sirius 

He’s a wreck. 

He’s an utter wreck, and a complete idiot.  He didn’t even ask Lily if this was alright, didn’t even ask if this was something she wanted. Just assumed, just thought ‘hey might as well!’ Her texts of utter delight may have eased his anxiety of having betrayed her, but it doesn’t get rid of it, because he just assumed. And to make matters worse, he didn’t know how Remus was feeling. Had he forced him into this? Pushed him too early with the promise of Teddy being able to have someone to play with? Would everyone fall in love with him just as easily as he and Lily had? He didn’t know how tonight was going to play out, couldn’t remotely predict what was going to happen. Would everyone else be okay with a stranger in their home? They had all been strangers at some point, but they had built up friendships easily, bar the alcohol. But Remus was hard to talk to, always hiding away what he was really feeling, rarely giving out full sentences that weren’t work related. Would the charm of their little group melt that away or solidify it? He’s not sure what he would do with himself if Remus decided he wanted no part of this side of his life, if he just stopped talking altogether, focussed on work solely, called him Mr. Black until they were old and retired. If Remus even planned to stay that long with his company, if he could even convince him to stay that long. Something about Remus made him itch - and yes a big part of it was the need to figure him out, take apart his complicated story and put the pieces back together again, mend what was broken. He knows that, he knows that’s what he does, everyone told him as much. But that couldn’t be the whole thing, he wasn’t built solely to fix broken beautiful people, but he had spent his whole life doing so hadn’t he? It was beaten into him, when the only option of peace was protecting Regulus and taking the fall, taking the same trip Lucifer had when he had been outcast by heaven, falling for his beliefs and dealing with the consequences that were not at all proportionate to the crime, had learnt how to fight back, his own ruler of a smaller kingdom - a much more damned and tortured one - not as punishment but as a cruel joke. He had been made to do that - there had been instances where he had to talk Barty out of a manic episode, had held onto him until he could breathe and break and build himself back up -had to hold onto Regulus so firmly to stop the bleeding the night they had escaped - made space for Marlene when she was outcasted for being queer, something so small yet it extended into such a great horrible punishment for something she couldn’t even control - held onto Lily when she finally opened up about Petunia and some pathetic man named Severus whose hands couldn’t be left unwatched - had to rewrite their backstories, force everyone to look at the future, the future that they could write. And yet he never did, because he was stuck in this awful pattern of self sabotage and a broken moral compass. He knew not everyone could be fixed, knew that not everything was as easy as promising a bright future, something to hold onto, that things could get better - he knows that - he knows that . Suddenly he’s no longer slightly anxious but a bubbling mess, his thoughts spiralling, spiralling, spiralling. He remembers holding James close to his chest. Having kicked down the door moments before. Remembers Regulus’ broken face. Screaming for Euphemia, Fleamont, an ambulance, for someone, begging James not to leave him, that the future was still bright and not worth a bottle of pills-

When he wipes down the counter for the fourth time James gently takes the cloth from his hands and pushes him up the stairs into his bedroom, closing the door behind him, and now he’s faced with an even bigger issue. What the fuck was he going to wear, and why the fuck was his room such a mess? 

He gathers the loose clothes on the ground with shaking hands, shoving them into the basket in the corner, cringing when the articles spill out, when was the last time he did laundry? Was it a mistake to start a load now? His eyes scatter, looking for more offending garments when his eyes latch onto the canopy bed, a mess of blankets and pillows and magazines. He rushes over, not trusting his legs to hold him up as he clings to one of the posts, makes his bed, pulls the sheets tight, fluffs the pillows, folds the blanket he kept at the end of his bed because it was getting colder and colder and colder. His hands are a shaking mess, his head is rattling angrily, was tonight going to be okay? Did he overstep? Could he fix this? Could he help him? Was he able to hold them all close, protect them all without losing the little semblance left of himself? Was there anything to help? Would he accept- he cleans up the piles of paperwork and magazines littered on every surface but his desk for whatever logical reason, drops them down into clean little piles, picks at his lip, the blood pooling eyes searching for things, distractions, he needs a distraction - James is looking up at him from half lidded eyes, Regulus is sobbing, the pill bottle is empty, Euphemia is screaming down the phone begging someone to come why, why, why hadn't he been enough - he collects the cups, the mugs the plates that litter his windowsill side table chair and desk, balances them on his arm like he was some fucking waiter - was this going to happen again? Was he going to have to revisit James in the hospital- Regulus after - was Remus able to be helped - goes to leave his room, and then-

“He’s going to freak out tonight, I can feel it.”

“You don’t know that.”

“James.”

“Okay, yes, yes he’s going to freak out, but that’s just Sirius. He gets like this, trapped in his head. Thinks he’s fucked up everything. Lily’s fine, Remus is probably… well I have no idea what Remus is feeling, but you should have seen him at the park the other night. If this wasn’t something he wanted, there’d be no chance.”

“James.”

“I know! Okay I know, but we’ll be there, keep an eye on him. It’s the anniversary-”

“Do. Not. Finish that sentence.”

“Regulus-”

“James-”

“It’s… it’s going to be okay. He’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”

“If he gets wasted you’re cleaning up his puke.”

“Ew.” James laughs then, “no it’s fine, we’ll monitor him.”

Sirius feels sick, awful even, he places the kitchenware down onto his desk, stacked up like he was cleaning a table at a restaurant. He can feel the panic attack from early this morning thrum in his chest at an uneasy pace, the shake in his hands back tenfold. He wasn’t protecting them, he was losing himself, they were having to protect him . That wasn’t right, he was meant, meant to be there- He doesn’t know what to do with himself, what to do with all this pent up anxious dread. He pulls his rings off and then slips them back on, spins the bar on one of them until the noise is too much for his head to cope with. Suddenly he’s standing, pulling his leggings from his closet, a loose tank and jacket and slips his running shoes on. He’ll just, he’ll just burn off the anxiety. He’ll be fine. A distraction, he needed to be distracted didn’t he? He would burn it all off, come back fine, not something to have to look after or worry about.

“Going for a run, bye.” Sirius is down the stairs and out of the front door in an instant before either of them can say anything.

Remus

This was weird. This was beyond weird. In fact this was horrible, so very horrible. He hated this. 

A room full of strangers. 

A room full of strangers drinking.  

A room full of Lily’s friends drinking and sharing stories and memories and not a single fucking place for him in their wake.

He looks at himself in the mirror again. Groaning when he realises that again , he looks like he’s just dressing for work. He wasn’t going to work, that would be too easy, no he was going to a house party full of strangers and-

And it was going to be fine because it was Lily’s strangers. 

He pulls his blazer off, then his shirt, avoids looking at the scars, shifts through his draw. His clothes - and Teddy’s - were all thrifted. It was easier to find sizes that fit a toddler, most of them being around the same height. But his wardrobe? His wardrobe was a mismatch of oversized or tight fitting clothing, nothing pairing well, all different shades of the same brown and an awful fucking mess now that he’s standing here trying to figure out what the fuck he was meant to wear to his bosses house party- he ends up picking a three days grace shirt, it’s faded with age existing in his life since he was 17 and Lily had brought it for his birthday, and a dark brown button down thick and warm, he slips them on, keeps his jeans on from earlier, rolls the sleeves up until they’re at his elbows and takes a deep breath, notices the pale scars there, chooses not to think about them. Right, this was fine. He runs a hand through his hair, once, twice, three times until the curls are loose and not tight, slips his converse back on. This was fine. He heads to Teddy’s room. 

“Going?” Teddy asks, looking up at him from his floor, he’s surrounded by soft toys and pillows, his own personal nest. Remus found him there some mornings, instead of in his bed, curled into a ball surrounded by everything soft and plush. Remus smiles at him. This was fine. 

“Yeah, we’re going to go see Luna and Harry Pup,” Teddy beams up at him.

“REALLY?” His voice echoes and Remus tries not to wince. “Again? Again, again?” He drops the book he was drawing in and comes to cling at Remus’ leg. 

“Yeah.” He runs a careful hand through Teddy’s hair, “yeah we are, what do you want to wear?” It’s easier this way, Remus had learned, getting Teddy to pick clothes instead of him. He had tried at the beginning, picking outfits based on weather, but too many fights and tears later he gave up instead offering to get a jacket on him if it was cold, or a hat if the sun was deciding to grace them with their presence. Teddy clambers over to his set of draws digging through the clothes and pulling out something denim. Remus knows instantly that it’s his pair of overalls. The ones he had been in when he was at the hospital after the accident. Remus had tried throwing them away - a trauma like the one Teddy had gone through, losing both his parents, getting hit by a car, being dumped with a stranger that knew nothing about him, was huge, a tragedy that no kid should ever have to go through and those overalls served as a reminder to him. Walking through the ER and being directed to a small room where a shaking blonde kid with too many tears was hunched under a table, clad in denim and a flannel coated in his parents blood -but Teddy had clung onto the article like his life depended on it, holding it close for the first month they were living together, carrying it everywhere. Remus hadn’t bothered after that, cleaned the blood, let him hold onto it, let him keep it, and masked his face every time he had to stare at them. He pulls out a jumper next, brown in colour. Teddy had seen it at a thrift store one day and wanted it instantly, ‘ match!’ Teddy had howled and Remus couldn’t say no, it did, actually, look very similar to one Remus owned, and when they showed up to Lily’s later dressed identical she had squealed and taken far too many photos. Teddy digs out a pair of red shoes and shows them off to Remus. 

“Dashing.” Remus says carefully sitting down on the edge of Teddy’s untouched bed. Teddy beams up at him. 

Sirius

It’s when the sun begins to set that he realises he doesn’t have his phone on him. 

Which, in hindsight, was idiotic and he knows it . Okay? He understands, but that isn’t going to stop literally anyone else telling him so when he gets back. He was barely lucky he remembered to grab his keys, a motion set in place as he reached for the bowl by the door, everyday, even if he were just going to grab the mail. 

Sirius is panting and sweaty holding his hands to his knees, judging by the sun it’s most likely been hours since he left, people would be beginning to show up now, Sirius regrets having gone out all together. There’s a horrible stitch in his side, no matter how much he bats his hair away it clings to his face with sweat, he’s fucking exhausted. He stretches and then without a second thought runs to get back on the street and out of the park. He passes people quickly, dodging cars when he recklessly crosses a road, past street lights that are turning on, and flower benches until he’s at number 12 Grimmauld staring up at the six steps like they were going to kill him, and not his brothers and his many friends. Out of breath and dreading what’s awaiting him when he walks through the door he slowly takes them one at a time. He can’t hear music, or chatter, can’t hear anything as he jiggles the door open. Regulus is there, in the doorway arms crossed.

“You idiot. ” He sneers. Sirius almost goes to turn around. “Asshole.” He throws his phone at him and Sirius grabs at it hastily. On his lock screen he can see the texts, from Regulus, James, Lily, 20 or something of them. 

“I didn’t realise.” He pats his thigh leggings clinging to his legs with an alarming amount of sweat, “no pockets, I forgot.” There must be something written in his face because Regulus’ face relents a little.

“Do you feel better at least?” Is his soft response. Sirius hates that he’s worried him. Hates that he’s worried all of them actually, hates that Regulus has to care for him, instead of the other way around. Carefully he nods. 

“Yeah.”

“I did your dishes, I found them when looking for your phone.” And with that he turns and heads upstairs. Sirius almost laughs. Almost. “The others are running late!” Reglus pauses, ducks back down the stairs so Sirius can just see his face, “actually. I told them the wrong time. Didn’t want you being late to your own party.” He rolls his eyes and then ducks back upstairs. 

Sirius heads to the bathroom, a small smile on his face. 

Remus

He stands at the front door, waiting.

Teddy is holding his hand carefully, staring up at him with big wide eyes.

Remus hasn’t knocked yet. 

Still had time to back out… 

“ Hell-o .” A rough voice says right against his ear, Remus spins, fist raising before it’s caught in a firm grip. “CHILL!” The man in question is dressed in all black, ripped jeans, ripped tank, thin loose cardigan that was practically see through with the amount of holes in it - what was even the point? He has messy curled black hair, styled back and locked in place. His eyes are alarmingly bright. He’s holding two bottles in his other hand - the one not still wrapped around his wrist - the necks loose in his fingers, something pink and something blue. Remus shuffles a little so he’s in front of Teddy, hiding him back, eyes blown wide. “I’m Barty.” The man says, as if that was meant to mean anything to him. And he stares and stares and then… oh.

“Lilly’s friend.” Remus says then, softly. He tugs his wrist back and Barty lets go easily, a coy smile pulling at his face. 

“You know of me?” 

“Barely, I have a blurred drunken photo of you on the concrete.” Remus raises an eyebrow up at him, Barty laughs then, bold and loud. Teddy pops his head round. 

“You’re new. Haven’t seen your face before.” Remus is self conscious already, wishing that any of the stuff Gideon had given him made sense - wishing that he could hide the scars back under fake skin. “Who do you belong to?”

“Excuse me?” Remus snaps at him. Barty laughs again.

“Well, I’m Regulus’. James is Sirius’, but they're both Lilly’s. Who’s dragged you into this hellhole?” Remus masks his face and looks down when Teddy tugs his hand. “ Another kid? God, weren't two enough?” Remus peers at him then, curiously. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as hard as he thought. 

“Lily’s.” He says. 

“Seems the type. You gonna stand out here all night or…?” Barty leans over him - casually, like it was no issue to just push yourself into someone else's personal space - and knocks on the door, loudly. “Doorbell broke last time.” He says when Remus winces. 

“Coming!” He thinks that’s James' voice on the other end. The door swings open, and sure enough James is there, bright faced and flushed dressed in a maroon flannel and light blue jeans. “Reggie! Your mutt is here!” Barty scoffs at him and pushes in, tapping James’ cheek a few times. 

“I bring gifts.” Barty swings the bottles up, James eyes widen. 

“Reggie! I’m stealing your mutt!” James calls back almost as if he’s going to follow Barty through the house but then he swings back to face Remus, smile widening. “No shit, you actually showed?” Remus gets the great sensation that maybe he really, really shouldn’t have. “Come in!” He steps back gesturing widely and Remus does, ever so carefully, makes it up to the door at least, the other two men still cramping the space. “Teddy! Hey buddy!” Teddy waves at him.

“Harry?” 

“Not yet, soon though.” James crouches to his height, “and Luna as well.” He adds. 

“Stay away from my boyfriend.” Is Regulus’ cool voice suddenly, when Barty drags James away from the both of them so that Remus can walk through the door properly. He’s dressed in a black turtleneck and loose dress pants, Remus is relieved to at least know someone else here. Regulus offers him a smile before he’s batting at Barty violently. Remus slips the door closed behind him. “Where’s your other half?” Regulus snaps when Barty finally lets go of James and Regulus takes up the space, grasping his hand and interlocking their fingers fiercely.

“Running an errand with Dorcas.” Barty shrugs heading further into the kitchen that’s paired right next to the lounge room. Remus kind of just stands there, taking in the small glimpses of his Bosses life. James and Regulus share a look, and Remus knows that somehow they’re having a conversation. 

“Remus,” Regulus says then, carefully stepping away from James who follows after Barty. “Tour?” Remus is so, so relieved. 

Sirius

He can hear commotion downstairs, which only means one thing.

A train wreck was about to turn his house upside down.

He stares at his wardrobe for longer than he really should. It was just a normal party. One that he hasn’t ruined, one that he won’t ruin. One that Lily didn’t hate him for. One that was going to be totally, totally fine, and he was going to act totally fine, and it was all fine.

“ I’M HERE!” He can hear Marlene scream downstairs, Sirius smiles. Just a party. He pulls on a queen tank, slips into tight ripped black jeans and heads downstairs. His hair is still wet from his shower and he runs his hands through it until the curls snaps back. He can see Barty sat up on the kitchen counter, James practically between his legs, drinks in hand as they down them. Marlene and Dorcas are opening the balcony door, slipping outside hands wrapped around each other already. Evan is over by the stereo turning it on the heavy thrum of some band he doesn’t recognise shaking the floor. He can’t find Regulus. 

“Sirius!” James beams, “didn’t know you were back yet.” He pushes a cup into his hand and Barty fills it with something blue. Sirius offers a shrug looking down into his cup. Maybe he shouldn’t drink this time round. Maybe that way James wouldn’t hover over him all night. 

“Where’s Reg?” James looks around. 

“Showing Remus around, upstairs maybe?” Sirius almost chokes. 

“Remus is here?”

“First to show up.” Barty says then, “great right hook, almost nailed me.”

“What did you do?” Sirius' eyes narrow. Barty only smiles. 

“Nothing, honest.” Barty crosses his arms and Evan comes up to snake his arms over his shoulders. 

“Better not have flirted.”  Evan mutters, mouth close to his ear. Barty leans back. Sirius has the sudden urge that he’s intruding on some private moment. 

“Only with James.” Sirius walks back to the stairs then, taking them two at a time, trying to get away from whatever that was. 

“Reg?” He calls and down the hall Regulus’ head pops out. 

“Hey. Just showing Remus around, you know the break down rooms, the panic room, the morgue.” He hears Remus snort before he sees him. And oh, oh if he thought that Remus looked nice that morning, then he’s all but radiant now. 

“Hey.” Remus leans against the door jam. Sirius waves. 

“Lily here yet?” Sirius directs towards Regulus, determined not to say anything stupid around Remus again, not to even look at him, less his mouth wanders. What would he do next? Invite him over for dinner? Out to a bar? 

“Not sure,” Regulus digs out his phone. “Oh Pandora tried calling, okay. Uh, smoking only on the balconies, and if anyone brings up dares, don’t fall for it.” Regulus says distractedly, “James had bright pink hair for two months and Barty had Pandora’s name tattooed to his lip- it’s not worth it. Forget pride, just remember survival.” He places his phone to his ear and ducking around Sirius and back down the stairs, leaving the two of them alone. Well now, how the fuck was he meant to avoid the man?

Remus

Sirius looked good. Ridiculously good and again he’s reminded of the comments he has to sift through at work, flagging the ones that are particularly ludicrous, but they made sense now. Wet curls cling to his  sharp cheekbones, long fingers curled carefully around a plastic cup, tattoos on full display, stars and other things wrapping down his arms, fingers - he feels like he’s staring a bit too long.

“Hi Siri.” Teddy pops his head around. “Harry here?” He seems hopeful, Sirius - who’s gaze was fixed on the wall like it was the most interesting thing in the world - barrels down to Teddy.

“Not yet buddy, they’re running a bit late.” Neither of them comment on ‘Siri’ . 

“Okay, I can wait.” Teddy walks out of the room - some kind of makeshift music room, office space, storage room(???) stacks of books and shelves, a piano and violin, a desk full of music sheets and artworks, crates of records- and tugs Remus along with him until they’re standing in front of Sirius. “Friends again?”

“Yeah pup.” Remus says, running a hand through his hair. “We’re all better.”

“Made card?” Teddy looks up at him then and Remus doesn’t want to lie, so he doesn’t.

“Was easier to just talk about it.” Teddy’s eyes go a bit wide. 

“Lucky.” Teddy says. Remus wants to soothe him, wants to remind him that he will one day find talking easy as well, and find people easy to be with. He wants to remind him that he’s only young. But Sirius is there, staring back at the wall, like he’s intruding on a moment and he’s so done with the high stakes emotions between them, so he releases the tension in his shoulders and looks down at Sirius waiting for him to look back. 

“How many more people are coming over?” 

“Have you met Marlene yet?” Sirius retorts but he’s not quite looking at him, at the space directly above his shoulder. 

“No.” Remus says, ducking his head a little trying to catch his eye. Sirius turns ducks down the stairs and Remus frowns, look at me, his mind echoes, look at me, look at me, what did I do wrong, look at me . Sirius had all but watched him like some kind of prey since the anniversary project started - before that even -and here he was not even able to match his eye. 

“Well Marlene and Dorcas are here. You’ve met Barty and Evan-”

“Who?”

“The blonde one?” Sirius looks over his shoulder back at the space directly next to Remus’ face, Remus shakes his head softly, his grip on Teddy’s hand tightens. 

“Okay Evan’s here as well then, Lily Mary and Harry. Pandora and Luna, and Pete I think that’s it.” Sirius drops back down into the kitchen, Remus follows, not wanting to be left alone, not sure what he was meant to do in a house full of strangers, tries to stay close to Sirius. Teddy clings to his leg. 

“There’s the kid again.” Barty says waving as if Teddy was a figment of his imagination, when Teddy doesn’t say anything in return Barty turns back to the counter. “Want an orange?” Is the next thing said as he turns back around, stretches his hand out, a slice of orange in his palm. He’s cutting up what looks like a dozen oranges, shot glasses dotted in salt and thick pieces of the fruit lined up in front of his cutting board. Teddy gingerly takes the slice, much to Remus’ surprise. 

“Thanks,” though it comes out as fanks again, he holds onto it, doesn’t even try it, and then shoves it into the front pocket of his overalls. 

“Pup-” Remus goes to say as Teddy speaks.

“Like you.” Teddy wonders over, sitting down next to where Barty is cutting fruit and stares up at him. Remus stares at the two of them with widened eyes - that never ever happens - and Barty looks a little like he’s not sure what to do. 

“Right, sure thing.” Barty looks back at Remus gesturing vaguely.

“Your’s now.” Remus shrugs Barty coughs and James laughs. 

“Well if he’s mine now, is it Pup or Teddy?” Barty raises an eyebrow and a flash of anger flickers in his chest at the name before he cools himself off. 

“Teddy! Remmy calls me pup though.” Teddy’s happy response echoes up at him. Sirius is staring at him, and then he’s not, instead he downs his drink. Right. Drinking. Party. Right. 

“What are…” Sirius won’t look back at him so he directs the question to the room instead, “what’s everyone drinking?” A blonde girl ducks in and beams up at him.

“REMUS! FINALLY!” She darts over, wrapping her arms tight around him and letting go almost instantly. “I’m Marlene!” She says when he doesn’t reply. 

“Right.” Remus nods. She slides up to Barty bashing her eyelashes and he sighs sliding a drink into her hand. She leans up, kisses his cheek, and darts back to the balcony, Remus frowns after her.

“Those two are drinking absinthe, James is on lolly and I have no idea what she just took,” a blonde man steps into the kitchen, Remus turns to look at him. He has a dark green bandana tied through his short blonde hair. Dressed in leather pants, a white transparent singlet and a fishnet overtop. Remus nods. “Evan.” He supplies.

“Remus.”

“I know.” Sirius fills his glass quickly, Remus eyes him carefully. He might not drink often, but at the rate Sirius was going - he was almost sure that wasn’t normal. 

“James, what are you drinking?” Remus asks, eyes still trained on Sirius, James thrusts the glass into his face, smiling brightly.

“Strawberry cruiser.” He says proudly. Remus sniffs at it, and James digs around in the fridge, popping the cap off another one and handing it over. Remus takes it, not sure what to do with it. Drink it, probably. 

“Panda’s here!” Regulus calls from the doorway. Remus spins again to watch as Pandora Lily and Mary walk in, two eager toddlers in tow. They’re holding a plethora of KFC bags and promptly drop them onto the counter. 

“Remus!” Lily squeals, squeezing him in arms.

“Lil’s.” He can feel the tightness in his body ease up almost instantly, see? He was fine. Lily’s strangers, and Lily’s life and he would - he could - make it work for a night. Just one.  

“TEDDY!” Harry squeals racing over as if they hadn’t been with each other all day and all night. He drops down crossed legged next to him and Barty looks down at the pair before Luna carefully settles herself next to the other two.

“Three! Three of them!” Barty exclaims, pulling a face as he hands the other two slices of oranges. They accept instantly biting into them and Teddy watches carefully before he pulls out his own slice and gently bites it. It’s the first time he hasn’t needed to be prompted to eat and Remus is almost… No, he is proud. So fucking proud of him. Teddy chews at the slice carefully, watching the other two as they finish up their own and then he carefully tugs on Barty’s leg.

“More?”

“ Pup. ” Remus says carefully. Teddy looks at him then back at Barty. 

“More… please?” 

“Better.” Remus sighs, sips it at the drink. It doesn’t taste like alcohol, more like juice, silently he’s thankful for James. Barty carefully cuts another slice and hands it to Teddy, who bites into it and hums happily. 

“Okay,” Lily says, tugging Remus’ hand into her own. “Regulus, Sirius, obviously, brothers. Pandora, Evan, twins. Evan and Barty dating. James, Regulus dating, Marlene and Dorcas out there are dating as well, and you know Mary.” She points around the room spinning them, “Luna’s Harry’s cousin, so Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, Uncle, dad, dad, Aunty, Aunty, Aunty, Aunty, Aunty, mum, mum,” she spins them again pointing, “and Peter! Where’s Peter? He's an uncle as well. It gets complicated, but you’ll pick it up.” She pulls out her phone, hitting the call and speaker button instantly. 

“Hell-ooo.” A firm voice says down the line.

“Where are you?” The crowd starts to break up, Pandora slipping upstairs with Regulus, Evan sliding out to the balcony. Barty resumes cutting fruit, Mary starts emptying the bags James drops down on the couch. Sirius is finally looking at him, as if he was trying to figure something out. 

“Huh? Oh fuck is that the time?”

“LITTLE EARS!” Lily snaps and the three toddlers begin to giggle. 

“Sorry! Leaving now, I didn't realise how late it got.” The line goes dead and Lily laughs, stuffing her phone back into her pocket before helping Mary with the bags. “That’s Pete, oh um Wormtail.” Remus nods the dots connecting. “Want to see something funny?” Remus raises an eyebrow.

“FOOD!” Mary calls and the room springs back to action, people appearing out of nowhere. Remus laughs. 

Sirius

It’s fine. 

It’s all really fine. 

He’s four drinks down. He had decided that not staring at Remus and not talking to him, as he talked to everyone else was hard and now he was four drinks down and that was fine. They’re holding onto paper plates - Regulus having banned the ceramic ones as soon as James reached for them - and eating and it’s fine. Remus looks like he’s enjoying himself, nodding at whoever’s talking, pulling faces when required, not really sharing anything about himself, but talking nonetheless and giving off some kind of persona of cool, calm and collected. If Sirius wasn't staring at his face so intently - watching his eyebrow twitch every time someone was too loud, too close, too personal, so ready to flee - he would believe it himself. Lily is beaming from ear to ear, energy radiating from her, she’s over the moon with the turn of events and that’s, well that’s fine, perfect , even, he hadn’t fucked up. The kids are up on the couch slowly picking through their own portion of dinner and Peter had shown up shortly after his call with Lily and it’s fine. 

So why does his chest still feel tight? 

“Okay, okay.” Evan says clearing his throat, “let's get this out of the way.” He props himself up on the kitchen counter. “Gather round!” He calls and the room falls silent, “thanks to my incredible boyfriend,” Evan runs a hand through Barty’s hair, “initiation shots are prepared and a toast is about to begin!”
“Oh!” Lily says excitedly hurrying forward to grab two of the shots, decorated with much needed orange slices, she presses one into Remus’ hands who looks at her with a blank expression. “This is for you.”

“I rather thought that was why it was in my hand.” Sirius almost snorts.

“No!” Her eyes sparkled, “this part of the night, happens with everyone new.” Barty picks up three white cups heading over to the kids and handing them out one by one. It was ribena, he had been doing this since Harry and Luna were born, starting with milk and then water, now ribena, offering them ‘adult drinks’ so they never felt left out. He wouldn’t be surprised if their first actual drinks were Barty’s doing as well. Sirius watches as Teddy’s nose scrunches up and Barty ducks down.

“Don’t have to drink it if you don’t want to.” He says carefully and makes his way back to the counter, the three kids stumbling after him like ducklings and settling just below the bench when he sits back up on it. Sirius picks up his own shot, slotting himself to the side of Remus, alarmingly close, their arms brushing against each other, Remus eyes him carefully but Sirius doesn’t look, doesn’t allow him to because he’ll do something stupid, again. Like standing right in his personal buble, like he was now, how did that happen?

“To Remus, the newest of this little missfit family.” Evan says casually raising his shot, he downs it and then looks to Barty.

“To arguably the second hottest person in this room, after Evan here of course.” Barty laughs, and he shots his and bites into the orange. James looks offended and Barty blows a kiss that Regulus angrily bats away. Sirius notes the heat of blush on Remus’ face, Mary goes next. 

“To hopefully the best brother in law!” She sings, shots her drink back and slides the orange slice to Harry who beams up at her. “ When I propose.” She quickly clears up after silence fills the room.

“To a very curious new open door of friendship.” Pandora raises her glass to him and downs it. She winces at the taste, she never liked drinking, her and Peter preferring to get high on the balcony together at these kinds of events. 

“To one of the most caring people I know,” is James' little message before he downs his shot, bites into the orange slice and nearly gags. 

“To someone who will finally help me keep the rest of these idiots in line.” Dorcas calls, gesturing to the room and downs her shot smoothly.

“To someone who will help me get away with more mischief!” Marelne counters by sending a wink to Remus and downs her drink, again Remus’ face flushes a shade of pink. His eyebrow twitches like he might just scoop Teddy up and walk out the door. Sirius knocks his shoulder against the taller man and Remus shoots him a look. 

“To a new uncle!” Luna sings happily and takes a sip of her drink, she passes Teddy her orange slice, eyes wide waiting eagerly for him to take it, he does.

“To a new canvas!” Peter laughs, downs his shot and blows air hotly out of his mouth, Remus quirks an eyebrow at him. 

“To a superhero!” Harry says clinging to Remus’ leg abandoning Barty and Remus runs a hand through his hair carefully, Sirius smiles. 

“To a voice of reason and good taste in literature.” Regulus says cooly, raising his glass and takes a sip of it before passing it to James, who again downs it and gags. 

“To the best, best, best brother anyone could ever ask for.” Lily whispers softly, downs her drink in one go and bites into the orange almost instantly after.

“To Remmy!” Teddy says, face contort as he finally picks up on what everyone else was doing, he sniffs his drink, takes a sip and passes it straight into Luna’s hands, but not before he steals the orange slice. Sirius realises then with dread that it was his turn. 

“To…” He stumbles, takes time to pick the orange slice off his glass knowing he’ll need it, “to someone caring, sweet and anything but hard to love.” He downs the shot, bites into the orange and sucks the juice clean out of it, wincing when the drink hits the back of his throat he gags, and then gags again and throws the cup and rind straight in the bin. Remus’ eyes are on him, in fact everyone’s eyes are on him, he can feel it, and when he turns around he can see them all. He gives them a weak thumbs up. 

“And,” Pandora says, clearing her throat. “Now you say your hope.” Remus turns then, looks at them all, Sirius’ eyes bore into the side of his head. 

“To, uh, hopefully family?” He downs his shot, and instantly his hand comes up to his mouth and he gags, “okay what the fuck is wrong with you all?” 

“LITTLE EARS!” Lily bats his arm harshly but the room is rumbling with laughter.

“How the hell are you all drinking that with a straight face?” Remus brushes past him to throw his cup out, head tilted under the sink tap turned on. Sirius snorts. 

“It’s initiation baby!” Barty calls.

“It’s poison is what it is.” Remus says flicking water at him.

“OI!” Barty dives over the counter cupping his hands to throw water at Remus, they’re laughing and Sirius can feel his chest ease a little. 

“What even is that?” Remus groans, pulling back and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

“Absentith, more absentith, the green fairy and moonshine.” Evan says cackling when Remus pulls a face. Sirius slips away from the crowd, heading out to the balcony where he slides a cigarette between his teeth and lights it. 

Slowly the tension is easing. 

Maybe that was the alcohol though, numbing his racing thoughts.

Remus

He watches as Teddy tumbles after Barty, Luna hot on his heel, Harry being swung in his arms. 

“How’d you do that?” Remus asks him, stepping away from Mary and Lily in the kitchen. Barty turns to him.

“Lift up a kid? Well they are particularly light given their size,” Remus rolls his eyes. “And when you’re lifting kegs above your head all day-”

“I meant with Teddy.” Luna and him were spinning in circles now, Teddy giggling and Luna smiling brightly. Barty looks down at the kid, places Harry with them and then falls back onto the couch. Remus gently sits at the edge of the thing when Barty gestures, taking a careful sip of the cruiser James had given him. 

“ What did I do with Teddy?” Barty asks carefully, he had a plastic cup with something green in it. Remus stares at it curiously. 

“He, he’s following you around, accepting things from you, he ate an orange. He hates fruit. Do you have kids?” He had gone to Lily every step of the way when he had hiccups with Teddy, had cried to her when Teddy wasn’t getting along with anyone else in his class. But here he was so open and curious about Barty, about Luna. He wants to know how to help, how to replicate that. 

“That’s normal for a kid, and no I don’t. Can’t stand the things, bad enough there were already two of them, now Ted’s is in the mix.” Barty takes a gentle sip from his cup, Remus’ mind latching onto the nickname, Teddy has wandered up to the stereo. 

“That’s not normal for him.” Something in Barty’s face tells him he already knows this. “Lily talks about him, then.”

“Nah. Lily has this rule, well had I guess. Nothing personal, nothing important, just memories. I didn’t even know you had a kid until today.” Remus looks over to Lily then. 

“I don’t.”

“Then who-”

“It doesn’t matter.” He can feel his face flush, can feel the twitch in his eyebrow as the claws wrap around his chest. He didn’t want to talk about this, any of this anymore. And as if Barty senses this he continues.

“Harry does. Talks my ear off.” Barty gestures to the small boy, his glasses askew. “Cares too much, that kid. About everyone. Teddy’s antisocial, special. In his own little world.” Barty tilts his head. “I thought Teddy was just another friend, had no idea how the two knew each other.” He says when Remus frowns. “Like Ron or what’s the other one. Hermione? Who knows. But Harry understands that Ted’s is special, and takes it in his stride. Comes home everyday with new stories of what the two of them got up to, what made Teddy upset, happy, what the other kids did and how they’re slowly learning more about Teddy. He’s a bit like a wounded animal, talk too much, or too fast and you’ll scare him off. But offering him something, showing you’re not a threat, helps. That’s how Harry became his friend, offering up a yellow pencil to the kid when his broke.” Remus remembers that; Lily had called him letting him know that Teddy had a bit of a breakdown. “Luna picked up on that but that’s because her mums a natural at this shit.” Barty looks at him then, “it’s simple science actually. Show him something not scary and he’ll follow suit. Are you really going to drink lolly water all night?” Remus stares at the cruiser in his hand startled. 

“Suppose so.” Barty laughs, snatches the drink from his hand and shoves his own into Remus’ long fingers. 

“Drink up, it’s a party. Stop worrying about the young ones and start worrying about how pathetically scared you look. You’re fine Remus Lupin, we don’t bite.” Barty swings himself off the couch then, “unless you ask.” Remus’ face flushes. Barty pushes himself into the kitchen, slides the cruiser back into Jame’s hands and begins to make another drink, he watches the others, as they filter around each other, James has his arms draped over Regulus’ shoulders, they’re leant against a wall, Lily is up on the counter, Marelene’s head leant on her shoulder, Mary locked between her legs, Dorcas and Pandora are giggling together, Peter scrolling on his phone absently at the table, Evan circles Barty’s waist. It’s then that he realises he has no idea where Sirius Black is. 

Sirius 

The balcony door slides open and Remus Lupin slides out, settles in the chair next to him, pulls his knees to his chest.

The tightness is back almost instantly. 

“You’re avoiding me?” Remus says then like he’s not sure of himself. 

“No.”

“You’re avoiding your own party then?” Remus looks over to him, there’s a cup in his hands, something green shining in it. 

“No.” Sirius sighs again, reaches for the packet of cigarettes on the table, he’s not sure who they belong to, he offers one to Remus. He accepts, and then waits. “What?”

“I’m waiting for some kind of explanation as to why you dragged me here just to hide out on this balcony.” Remus tilts his head ever so and Sirius scoffs. “Why you won’t look at me, or talk to me.”

“Ah yes, forgot it’s all about you.” He says casually, lights up his cigarette and then flicks the lighter again waiting for Remus to lean in. He does. The soft orange glow hitting his face casting shadows along his features, he pulls back as soon as it’s lit. “I uh.” Sirius frowns, looking down the valley below. “I felt like I might have pressured you to come over, and I know Lily is all smiles and whatever, but it feels like I might have pressured her as well.” Sirius swallows, “I just don’t… I don't want to be the reason someone’s feeling unhappy. Don’t want to be the reason that people are worried.” He looks down at his empty cup, how many has it been? 6? “I’ll tell you a secret.” He whispers then. Remus looks over. “Something awful is going to happen because of me, everything bad that has happened is because of me. I mean look - you’re stuck at a party because of-”

“Mr. Black-”

“Sirius, please. We’re not at work.” He doesn’t mention that it’s because he hates his last name, hates the fact that it’s a constant reminder of his mother, of what he’s supposed to be, what he went through, what, what, what.

“Sirius.” Remus says softly, and Sirius’ head snaps towards him. It sounded lovely in Remus' messy accent, soft, perfect, like it was important. “I think you should have come to this realisation already, but there is not a single thing you can force me to do.” Remus takes a long sip of his drink, “even paired with Lily. If I didn’t want to do something I simply wouldn’t.” Remus downs the rest of his cup, lets it fall to the table, taps the ash off the end of his cigarette. Lets his shoulder’s slacken, his posture relax. Sirius mimics, allows himself to settle into that messy jumble of an accent. “You’re not manipulative, in the slightest. You’re a pleading mess of hope.” 

“Oi.” Sirius laughs, but he knows it’s true. Sirius taps some of his own ash off, takes a drag and lets the smoke fill his lungs. 

“Your hair looks nice.” Remus comments, eyes latched on the valley. “Almost understand why you get so many comments.” 

“Jealous?”

“God no.” Remus scrunches his nose, and Sirius isn’t sure if that was a response to his hair or his fans. He laughs anyway. “Come back in?” Remus asks. “Everyone’s either making out or hooked together, for a party there’s not much socialising going on.” Remus looks at him then and Sirius smiles and allows himself to look back. 

“Sure.” 

Remus

Okay so this was why he didn’t drink.

Him and Lily had found out at a very young age that he had an incredibly weak alcohol tolerance. Despite his father being Irish and his mother being Welsh, the genes simply didn’t pass down to him and instead two drinks down and he’s an emotional being, sprouting out anything and everything. Letting things slip past his tongue without a second thought like he was a people person. Like he was approachable. He hated it, and at the same time he loved it. Not having to think himself into circles before settling on a few simple words was almost freeing, but not having a filter and having to deal with everything he said the day after was a souring reminder that he cannot be trusted. He had ended up in the bed of one too many strangers due to it.

“Orange!” Teddy cries up at him when Remus walks back downstairs from the bathroom. Remus blinks down slowly. 

“Sorry pup?” Remus asks, cupping his ear. 

“ ORANGE!” Teddy points to the stereo and Remus understands, stumbling over to the thing and tapping the screen, fingers tumbling over the keyboard until David Bowie’s Starman is playing over the speaker. Teddy all but squeals spinning in a circle, hands reaching high about him. Sirius is laughing, leant up against the door jam of the balcony. Luna gets up as well waving her hands in front of her face as she spins slowly too. 

“HELL YEAH!” James bellows, stumbling into the living room, “go you two!” He joins in with the toddlers and Harry comes running tugging at his hand dancing with his dad. Regulus is trying not to laugh as Barty films the whole thing, it’s an incredibly domestic moment that Remus is almost happy to be a part of. Lily catches his eye from across the room, smiling softly at him, he returns it in kind. And then Regulus is dragged along with James, them dancing ever so, James more so stumbling over him, Regulus trying not to laugh but failing anyway. And then Mary has dragged Lily into the lounge room, and Lily squeals and grabs onto Marlene for help but that just ends with Dorcas following after them, dancing and holding onto each other. Harry has gone to grab onto Peter, dragging him away from his phone and instead straight into the middle of the makeshift dance floor, he gestures to Pandora until she slips up next to him and they’re dancing in a makeshift jagged sort of way. Barty’s there then, a warm presence at his side, another cup in hand and he passes it over to him.

“You look less tense!” Barty says over the music, Remus lets his face fall open in a smile and he accepts the drink, downing half of it at once. “Party animal over here,” Barty rolls his eyes jabbing Remus in the side and then his hand slips into his and he’s dragged in with the rest. Maybe this was easy.

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

Teddy is laughing and spinning, a brilliant smile pulled on his face, Luna looks just as thrilled when Teddy grabs her hands and they bop up and down to the song.

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

'Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

Remus is spun round and round by Barty, his hands careful in his own, raised high above both their heads. It’s nice, it’s really nice. He can feel his face flush every time he’s spun and he spots Sirius’ eyes on him. 

He told me

Let the children lose it

He’s passed off to Lily when Evan comes up taking Barty away, he sways with her, laughing when she’s tripping over his feet, catching her when she almost ends up on the ground. But that just ends up with both of them clinging to each other halfway to the ground laughing. 

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

It’s Marlene who grabs onto Lily next and suddenly Remus is having to find a way to stand by himself. He sways a bit, drinks more of the concoction that Barty has handed him and then there’s a hand held out to him, palm up, small black inklings pressed into porcelain white skin. Remus looks up to stare directly into Sirius’ silver eyes, he smiles, honest, open, happily , for the first time in a while and slips his hand into Sirius’. 

I had to phone someone, so I picked on you

Hey, that's far out, so you heard him too

Sirius holds him with care, like he might fall apart, like he might break. His hand is soft in his own, his arm warm where it presses to the back of his neck. They spin and sway around the lounge room, bumping into others like it’s nothing. 

Switch on the TV, we may pick him up on channel two

Look out your window, I can see his light

Everyone’s laughing and he’s very much well aware that it’s the alcohol that’s doing it. But a hopeful part of him prays that it’s the dynamic of them all, hopes that this is what it was like to be a part of Lily’s life, that this, this could happen with or without the liquid courage. That maybe he could belong simply by being him, not some confident persona doused in Midori. Maybe it wouldn’t just have to be one night.

If we can sparkle, he may land tonight

Don't tell your papa or he'll get us locked up in fright

Teddy grabs his free hand, the one not locked into Sirius’ and starts dancing with them, Sirius doesn’t let go, Remus doesn’t either. It almost felt right, the way their hands slipped together, like they were meant to fit. Teddy bobs and sways and spins himself and Remus laughs until his stomach hurts. Teddy tugs him a little and Remus crouches. 

“I really like Luna!” Teddy says happily, as if saying her name summoned her, she pops up and waves. 

“That’s great pup!” Great, so fucking great, he presses a kiss to Teddy’s forehead something overwhelming pulling at his chest at seeing Teddy stumble away and over to Harry Luna in toe. Suddenly he can’t breathe. He drops Sirius’ hand, breaks away from the dance circle, climbs the stairs. Bites back the tears at the back of his eyes. 

Sirius

He’s not sure what Teddy whispered to him, but suddenly Remus is gone and he’s strikingly aware as to how cold it is in here. The song fades out, soft la la la la’s, echoing through the speakers and then something else starts up and Sirius loses interest, watching Remus’ figure disappear upstairs. His friends laugh around him, breaking apart and settling throughout the room, Pandora slips to the porch and he knows instantly that weed will be passed around next and that people will start going missing. Pete’s in the kitchen starting up a pot of tea. 

“Hey wormy.” Sirius hops up on the bench kicking his legs out, Peter smiles up at him, he looks tired. He’s wearing a chunky yellow cardigan over a pair of ripped blue jeans, the cuffs rolled up and the sleeves hanging over his hands. “How are you holding up?” 

“Fine.” And that doesn’t settle right.

“Pete?” Sirius asks then. 

“Works just stressing me out, that’s all.” Peter sets the teapot on the stove, pulls back and crosses his arms. “Where’d your friend go?” 

“Upstairs.” Sirius nods towards the stairs. “Anything I can do to help?” Sirius asks then, and Peter’s face almost crumples. 

“Not unless you can get rid of a client for me.” Peter runs his thumb across his neck and Sirius laughs.

“Unfortunately, no.” Sirius rakes a hand through his hair. “Want a shot instead?” 

“God no, not after the shit Barty pulled.” Peter laughs, “might go hang out with Pandora. Tea’s boiling and all.” And then he slips away from the kitchen and out onto the porch where Pandora had run to a minute ago. Sirius’ eyes drift to the stairs, and he really can’t help himself.

Remus

Okay, a small breakdown in the bathroom, that was fine, that was normal. 

That was how most of his highschool parties had gone anyway. He scrubs at his face, washes it and then scrubs some more. Teddy was making friends, no Teddy was in a room full of people and having fun. 

He was in a room full of people and having fun. 

He feels a bit sick at the realisation. He was in a room full of people, people who didn’t mind him being there, laughing and helping him out. He was in his boss's house, no Sirius' house. He was in Sirius’ house with Lily’s friends and nothing horrible had happened and everything was fine and that in itself is overwhelming. Teddy had made friends, tried something new even. Sirius and him were fine. Lily and him were fine. It’s a relief as much as it is a burden. 

He swings the bathroom door back open and is met with Sirius’ bright eyes. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” Remus replies. 

“I didn’t mean… to, I mean... you… kind of just ran off… came to check on you.” His words are slightly slurred and Remus offers him a kind smile. 

“Looks like you can’t handle your drinks too well.” Sirius laughs, and Remus raises an eyebrow again. 

“You’re the one stumbling around like the floor is lava.” Sirius points to the death grip Remus has on the doorframe. Okay so his head was spinning a little, sue him.

"The floor is unpredictable.” Remus points to the ground, there’s books littered down the hall, shoes and jackets, bags from the other guests and Sirius looks down at it all. 

“When did… they get here?” He goes to pick up a jacket and Remus bats his hand away. 

“Ignore it.” Remus says and Sirius straightens, looking Remus in the eye as he does. 

“Coming back down?” There’s cheering from the kitchen, someones counting down to something and James and Regulus have taken to sitting at the bottom step of the stairs caught up in each other, Remus gives Sirius a pointed look. 

“Rather think we’re stuck up here.” Remus leans his head back against the wall, head spinning ever so. How long had he been here now? Two hours? Three? He digs his phone out, okay five, five hours was a bit much, it’s 12 in the morning and he snaps his phone back closed. Sirius opens a door and stumbles through it. 

“Coming then?” He asks. And for lack of anything better to do he follows. 

Sirius

Remus was in his room.

Remus was standing in the doorway leant against the door jam staring around the place and taking in everything and all Sirius can do is think, think, think about the man. 

1. Remus did not like personal questions
2. He didn’t like being in the centre of attention
3. He was a person of flight, the second something became uncomfortable he ran away 
4. He drank coffee like it was life support
5. He hated being pitied
6. He never quite knew where he belonged without verbal cues - insecure

“Come here.” Sirius gestures, falling back into his bed and patting the space beside him, slowly he can hear Remus’ steps echo and then the bed dips beside him. Remus stares down at him. “Thanks for coming tonight.” Sirius says, “I think everyone really likes you.” Remus’ eyes flash. 

“Well according to you I’m anything but hard to love.” Sirius swallows thickly. Right, their hopes. 

“Well, you’re just. Bright.” Sirius doesn’t know when to shut up, or even how to shut up.  

“Bright?” Remus presses. 

“Like, like a full moon, you’re just inviting and bright and warm… moons you’re an incredible person.” It’s the alcohol, he knows it is, he stares up into Remus’ slowly widening eyes. Did he call him moons? “You’re hard not to get along with because you’re bright. Bright eyed, brightly hopeful. Is this making sense? I don’t know if I’m making sense.”
“Not in the slightest.” Remus breathes out, Sirius snorts. 

“Sounds about right. You’re just. Bright. People love you, don’t know how you don’t see it.” The last part is a whisper but he knows Remus hears if the sharp intake of his breath is any kind of indication. And honestly? Sirius has no idea what he’s talking about. And at the same time he has every idea as to what he’s talking about. Because Remus Lupin was bright, he walked into a room and all eyes dragged to him. His mind was incredibly bright, filled with so many racing thoughts and ideas, intelligence to spare and people simply clicked with him. He saw it in the office all of today, people asking for help and Remus almost instantly finding a solution. Saw it with everyone downstairs, the easy forming comments and hopes, the easy nature of being passed around the dance circle, the easy nature of falling in and out of conversations. Remus Lupin was many things but unlovable was not one of them. 

“It’s late. I should get Teddy home.” Remus says, Sirius opens his eyes back up, stares at Remus for a long moment. 

“I’ll call you an Uber. See you Monday?”

“I’ll see you Monday Mr. Black.” And something about that stings.

Chapter Text

Remus

He was having a bad flare up day. 

One of his worst actually, and every part of him wanted to call in sick and take the day off and hide in his bed, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t because now more than ever he was needed at work. So he bites into his lip, as he swings himself out of the car and tries desperately to ignore the burning pain in his knee. One day, he just had to get through one day and then he could go home and rest and hope that tomorrow will be better. He grips his cane like his life depended on it. He was already tired. 

The elevator ride is slow, his head is spinning ever so slightly, his phone goes off. 

Wormtail: 

My 8:30 just cancelled, any takers?

Older sister magic:

LITERALLY just got to work >:(

Barty is typing…

That was another reason for his chronic headache. Somehow everyone he had spent his Friday night with now had his number, messaging him privately and adding him to groups, he was now a part of a group called ‘Hogwarts’ which he gathered had mostly everyone in it, and another smaller chat called ‘skittles’. He switches his phone back off. Each chat had been going off every minute or so throughout the whole weekend, photos from outings, messages to only one member of the chat (which could have well and truly been a private dm instead of notifying everyone) little reminders. It drove him up the wall as much as it made his heart soar. Not that he allowed himself to text back any of them. 

“Remus!” Wick says happily when he walks through the doors, her purple bob swaying. He offers a small wave. “Finally have the questions finalised, we’ve booked the second half of the day to start interviewing, I want to show you the time schedule.” She takes his hand in her own and tugs him through the room, he tries really ridiculously hard not to wince at the pain that shoots through his leg. 

Sirius

Remus was limping, even with the use of his cane, Sirius notices the unease etched into his face and again is filled with the longing to be able to do something. 

“So I was thinking this one, easy enough to replicate,” Mary is rambling next to him, he drags his eyes away from Remus and back to the photos. “You and Regulus in front of a fireplace, leant against each other instead of away like in this photo-” She’s of course talking about the photos Remus had gotten from his mother. This one is of him and Regulus no more than 6 and 8. They had stood dead straight next to one another, no smiles, no interaction. Regulus in a black pinstripe dress, hair down in braids over his shoulders and Sirius in a suit to match, his hair cut short and close to his head. He hates staring at it, hates the memory of having to stand dead still the entire evening even more. 

“And we could have you in a dress this time, Regulus in a suit.” Mary continues, Sirius laughs. 

“Oh I’m sure that’ll go down swell.” He says, picking up the photo carefully. He’s done shoots like that before, dressed in all kinds of outfits, skirts and dresses, suits and long flowing pants. He didn’t mind, more importantly had no preference for any of that. “Walburga might actually blow a fuse this time.” Mary smiles brightly up at him giving his arm a squeeze and taking the photo back heading to her office no doubt to start the measuring process. Sirius stares down into his own planner, circling time slots and pulling out his phone to text Regulus. 

“No, they always go last, right Sirius?” Wick suddenly calls and his head shoots up. 

“My apologies?”

“With interviewing, you always go last.” Wick tilts her head, neon purple hair falling across her face. “Cause you’re always the one interviewing others.” 

“Usually yeah.” He stands up then, makes his way around the table coming up to a white board where their names are written on small magnets, a timetable set up. Remus has his name in his hands and Regulus’. 

“Well I think he should go first, we can shape the rest of the interviews around his answers,” Remus says pointedly, he’s avoiding looking at Sirius, a frown dawns on his own face. 

“Okay…” Wick says, pushing her hair back out of her face, “but Sirius is also conducting the interviews, we need to set it up so we can get most of the heavier chunks out of the way.” She takes his name from Remus’ hand and slots him into the last timeslot on Friday. 

“You asked for my help!” 

“I asked for your approval, but you’re messing with my white board,” Wick sticks her tongue out at him and Remus snorts. 

“Mature.” 

“I think Remus is right.” Sirius says then, “if I go first we know how to lead the narrative to the others.” Wick stares at him for a long moment, “it’s only the first few questions, not the whole interview.” They were doing it in four sets over the next four weeks, so that way they were able to edit pieces during the intermission. “Got to focus on the theme.” Sirius says. Wick stares at his name on the board before - not without sighing- moves him to 1pm today. Remus smiles and slots Regulus’ name at 3. 

“Told you.” Remus says and Wick bats at his arm, Remus winces leaning more on his cane. Sirius bites into his lip until he can taste iron.

Remus

If the man could stop staring at him that would be lovely.

And if he could stop trying to tear him apart with his eyes that would be even better. Remus doesn’t understand what he’s done to draw the entire attention span of Sirius Black but he’d take it back in a heartbeat. The way he acted at the party, the way his eyes trail after him as he moves around the room from person to person needing his attention, it was all too much. By the time that he is finally, finally able to sit down he can’t help the moan of protest that slips out, his knee popping, his back cracking, he stretches his fingers out in front of him and when they give a crack of protest as well he knows he’s in for it. He digs through his bag for his meds, it’s only then that he realises he’s chosen to - subconsciously - sit right next to Sirius Black. 

“Coffee?” Sirius offers, Remus’ shoulders tense up. 

“I’m-”

“That’s a good idea, my brain is dead. I’ll run over to The Marauders up the street.” Narcissa offers, standing up and popping her back in the motion. Remus wasn’t exactly sure why she was working down here instead of at her desk, but he’s grateful for the distraction. “What does everyone want?” There’s a round of loud chatter, Narcissa dotting down everything into a green journal, her cursive writing elegant against the page, she looks up at the two of them expectedly. “Sirius?” 

“Sweeter the better.” Sirius drums his hands distractedly on his notebook, chin in his hand. Remus is midway through swallowing a handful of pills, water bottle raised to his lips when Narcissa then says his name. 

“Lupin?” He almost chokes. 

“Sorry?”

“Coffee? What do you want, are you hungry? They have pastries.” As if on cue his stomach rumbles and he frowns. 

“Long Black. Please.” He says carefully. 

“That’s oddly bitter. Not hungry?” She raises a brow at him.

“Nah.” He shoves the bottle back into his bag, pulls his laptop out and opens up the manuscript for later today. She stares at him for longer than necessary really, but dots it down nonetheless before picking up her bag and heading for the elevator. Sirius stares at him for a long moment. 

“You don’t like sugar?” He asks softly. 

“No.” Not in his coffee at least, everything else? The sweeter the better. 

“But that’s how I’ve been making your coffee.”

“You mean milk.” Remus gives him a look and Sirius goes to complain. “It’s fine. It was… drinkable.” 

“Remus you could’ve just told me!” Sirius is frowning like this was the most offensive thing either of them had done to each other. It wasn’t like Sirius had cornered him on a roof, that Remus had condescended him, that they yelled at each other in a park. No, the fact that Remus didn’t tell the man that he didn’t like sugar or milk or anything of the kind in his coffee. What a ridiculous notion. 

“It was… sweet. Kind of you, it didn’t matter.” Remus scrolls up to the top of the manuscript reading over it again, he had carefully intertwined the questions into an easy flowing conversation. Like he always did. It was easier with strangers, he had learnt, when he was writing it up last night. Easier to make up questions and statements, drawing up facts when it was a stranger looking back at him. Pieces of a puzzle he didn’t know the answer to already. But with Sirius, Regulus, the other Blacks. Everyone he was going to have to interview, people he knew, lives he knew were hurt, he found it was harder to not sound like an asshole and to not dig in too deep. But that’s what he was being paid to do wasn’t it? That’s what the anniversary was all about, going deep into dark places, bringing up almost unbearable memories and exposing them. It was about taking down the nobles, taking down Walburga Black. 

“Sweet?” Remus rolls his eyes. 

“Bright?” He shoots back, his knee is throbbing, he eases his fingers into the joint trying to deter the pain. That was another thing he couldn’t get over, Sirius’ drunken babbling. He was… bright? Intelligent? Moons? Whatever version Sirius had of him in his mind was not who Remus was. Sirius averts his gaze, turns instead to his notebook before his mouth is opening yet again. 

“Is your knee okay?” Remus sighs then. 

“Nope.” 

“What’s… I mean there’s obviously something wrong with it… I. Can I do anything to help?” And there he goes again, offering up things like they cost nothing, trying to mend whatever it is he saw broken in Remus. He adds another thing to his list. 

1. He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
2. He hated confrontation 
3. His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
4. He had far too much and far too little self confidence
5. He drank coffee like he needed it
6. Sirius Black liked helping people, liked protecting people, liked people
7. Saviour complex

“Not unless you have a spare body lying around.” Remus mutters, digs his fingers into his keyboard, rewrites a question. Tries and not think about how the man next to him could very well be his undoing.

Sirius

He stares careful, watching as Remus digs his fingers into his knee yet again.

“Would a chair help?” He asks then, remembering that when Jame’s joints were sore after a game or workout he would elevate them. 

“I’m currently already sitting on one but thanks.” Remus grumbles, rubs at his temples instead now. Sirius rolls his eyes. 

“No I mean, to put your knee on?” The look Remus gives him will forever be imprinted in his memory, eyes widening, soft and open. His mouth falling agape ever so slightly, head tilted that little bit so Sirius can actually see his face. 

“That,” but he doesn’t continue. And Sirius carefully gets up and gathers his things, moving instead to the other side of Remus. He carefully pulls the chair until it’s more so facing Remus and Remus carefully lifts his leg until his knee is settled against the seat. Sirius raises the thing until it’s at height with the rest of Remus and then settles into the chair on the other side of him. 

“Better?” Remus makes some kind of grumbling noise in response and Sirius wants to cheer. He was getting it, understanding it. Making sense of the man. Remus turns his computer screen to Sirius then, gesturing at the formation of words. 

“Today's interview.” He highlights a certain part of if, “can’t get the wording right.” And Sirius knows it’s a lie instantly, Remus’ eyebrow twitches as he’s saying it and Sirius knows it’s an olive branch, so he looks at the screen and starts to reword the paragraph, hands being slapped away when he moves onto the next one. 

“My name is Moony, and I’m here with…”

“Sirius, Sirius Black.” 

“With BlackStar. It is currently the 12th of August 12:45pm.” Remus clears his throat, taking a sip from his coffee cup, Sirius wants to ask how the fuck he drinks that, but doens’t. He wasn't the one asking the questions today. “Today we will be discussing the happenings of childhood for the Black manor children. Sirius,” and his heart picks up a few paces at Remus’ jumble of an accent, “growing up in a manor, huge, enormous even. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having nowhere to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence. It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?” 

“Well as startling as it was never feeling at home in your own home, people coming in and leaving just as abruptly, it was hard. But one thing was always a constant, and for me that constant was Regulus. He was this bold un-detering light in our home, something that always anchored me back to the present. Growing up with him, you know, protecting him, protecting each other. It was something that resembled a family. And for that I’m extremely grateful.”

Remus

“My name is Moony, and I’m here with…”

“Regulus Arcturus Black.” 

“With BlackStar. It is currently the 12th of August, 2:55pm.” Remus smiles at Regulus kindly, he smiles back, leans back until he’s comfortable in his chair and then nods. “Today we will be discussing the happenings of childhood for the Black manor children. Regulus?” Regulus tilts his head, “growing up in a manor, huge, enormous even. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having nowhere to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence. It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?” 

“Well you’re right, it doesn’t fit the narrative.” Regulus says cooly, “I mean if Walburga were here that would be her first claim. We had to have been loved and cherished by her and Orion or else how are we so caring and loveable now?” Remus clicks his pen, writing across the pages in his lap. “But that’s what you get when you have an older brother constantly following you around.” 

Sirius

“Reggie breathed life into those halls. You could hear him everywhere you went, clicking away at his typewriter, practicing the violin at odd hours in the night, hearing his laughter, such a strange and unnatural occurrence for such an otherwise unbreathable house.” Sirius twists his hands together. “It was loving, to know that no matter what we went through it didn’t diminish his light. If anything it got him working harder, harder to breathe life into those halls. We used to talk about it all of the time. How stuffy and unbearable it was, eyes on you constantly despite the lack of humans there to do so. Everything you did was known instantly by those in charge. Didn’t matter if it was in the privacy of your own room, someone, somehow knew about it. So we got sneaky, hid in plain sight, talked in code. When we were taught French we drifted into other dialects, mixed them into sentences so that it didn’t make sense to the listening ears, only us.” 

Remus

“Wherever I was, Sirius was somewhere around the corner. If I had fallen in the yard he was there in a second helping me back up, if I missed a note on the violin he was there correcting it for me. If I were locked in a room, Walburga or Orion there with me, Sirius was right outside that door, ready to pick me back up. It came natural to him, for me it was harder. Sirius has always been strong, confident. It didn’t matter so much to him what he had to go through as a result of his acting out, he did it anyway. I could never mimic that, in some ways it felt like I was letting him down, but his love never wavered. He never gave up on me, as a kid, or a teenager even now as a fully grown adult, if I need something, if I’m struggling I know my big brother is there, ready to pick up whatever pieces have come loose. In a sense Sirius raised me, and is continuing to do so as if it costs him nothing. And maybe to him it doesn’t cost a thing, but growing up in the manor, having people come into our lives and leaving abruptly, having the parents that we did, did take quite the toll on me. But having Sirius there every step of the way, knowing I was loved if not by anyone else then by him, it was enough to give my childhood brain that connection to emotions. No one should have to have gone through what we did, and yet so many people do. Domestic violence, child-like neglect, it’s happening all of the time and all around us and not all of us are lucky enough to have Sirius in our lives.” 

Sirius

“I mean it was hard having to be there all of the time, having to stay there for as long as I did. Pulling a strong face, acting like nothing can touch you only goes so far. Things still burn, you can walk straight into a house fire and say ‘I’m not going to get burned!’ but you know you still will. There are things that are out of your control, and for the first 16 years of both our lives everything seemed out of our control. Except for each other. That was something that no one could get between, and that in itself was enough to keep us going, was enough to build that bond between emotions and people. I like to think that we were born into that house to save each other, and I know Reg will disagree, but I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t go back and make a single change because if I hadn’t gone through all that I don’t think I would be here now, trying to make a difference for everyone else. These things still exist through closed doors, still happen even when you hope to god they don’t. And I wish I had someone back then rooting for me too. Someone who wasn’t living through it with me.”

Remus

“It was hard, but Sirius took it in his stride, and somehow that made me want to take it in my stride. You’ll hear hundreds of different insults in your life, go through many different denials and refusals, but that doesn’t shape the kind of person you’ll become. I could list on one hand the amount of kind things our parents ever said to either of us. And yet Sirius built an entire company trying to protect anyone else from ending up like him. I work in an art gallery creating pieces about every kind of emotion I have ever felt, and not even half of them are negative. You become who you’re meant to become, who you want to become despite and in spite of what you’ve been through, it’s only the way you deal with the negative that really affects who you are.” Regulus pauses, “Walburga used to tell me each and every night that I would never amount to anything, and that if not for Orion Sirius would have been the only child. She used to tell me that I was a fail safe, an emergency peace treaty if something went haywire with one of Orion’s deals, made sure I understood that I will never be enough, and for the most part I listened. And Sirius would sneak right into my room after she had left and tell me the opposite. That my being here was a blessing and that one day my name was going to mean something other than being the child of Walburga and Orion Black. I chose to listen to him instead, chose to tune out Walburga’s words, and I think I’ve become quite a good person despite it all.”

Sirius

“So, what was it in your home that made you have to act that way? Have to pull on the courage to nurture your brother from the age of two?” Remus asks then, his hands hadn’t stopped moving across the pages in his lap, hadn’t stopped writing for a second, Sirius didn’t understand why, the tape recorder was saving everything they were saying.

“Well. If a child acts out, does something accidental or on purpose you scold them, tell them off, not to repeat it, explain why what they did was bad. But you’ll remind them that you love them and it’s okay to make mistakes. Walburga had other ways of dealing with accidents. Black’s don’t make accidents, and they don’t regret. And somehow I did both those things constantly.” Sirius sighs then, leans forwards till his head drops between his shoulders. “There seemed to be some kind of scale in her mind. The bigger the mistake the bigger the punishment. I used to be terrified of the dark when I was a child, the halls were always so dark, no lights were ever turned on, and the amount of paintings and pictures on the wall made it feel like you were never alone. If I… came home, and my report card was sitting a B instead of an A I was locked in the basement. There’s no lights in the basement, no windows, no anything., but boxes and boxes of Orion’s old records. It didn’t matter if it was only one B and a sea of A’s, it would be a week, sometimes the entire summer or break, in the basement. I remember I used to sit at the very top of the stairs, where the smallest sliver of light was, just waiting for something bright to be in my life again.” Remus inhales sharply, Sirius averts his gaze.

Remus

“Well she had her ways about life.” Regulus says frowning at the question Remus had just asked. “These unspoken rules you were just meant to pick up on. Don’t bow, don’t speak below yourself, don’t eat too fast, stop eating so slow. Do not regret, do not look back, straighten your posture, blacks are not failures. ” Remus nods, fingers tapping against his page, he checks his watch for the time, 4:05 blinking at him. “When I struggled with the violin, she would have me play for hours. My fingers bloody and raw, nail beds destroyed, the bow coated in my blood. I would have to keep going and going and going. Didn’t matter if I passed out from fatigue, the second I was conscious again that dreaded instrument was shoved right back into my hands. She’d cut my nails, as well, when she realised the blood was getting all over the bow strings, but she’d cut them too short, pulled the skin back until open wounds sat there instead. It was unbearable but I was a fast learner, the quicker I could perform the better my relationship with her. I have so many fucking awards for those stupid songs.” Regulus’ face is all scrunched up, “sometimes when I’m playing it now I can still feel her breathing down my neck, just begging me to slip up.”

Sirius

“The dark is familiar now, I can work my way through a room without the need of a light. When she realised that the basement was no longer having the desired effect on me she moved to other things. Cupboards under stairs. Locked rooms, the fire and heater on full blast, windows glued stuck. My own bedroom, doors locked, food denied. These bouts of punishments never made sense, I never knew what I was messing up so badly, at some point I snapped. I just lost it, gave her what she wanted, acted out, got angry, spoke back, stopped behaving the way a Black would. The punishments only climbed, but it didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that Regulus’ punishments were demolished.” Sirius looks up at Remus then, watching as he checks his watch. “It didn’t matter what I went through, only what he didn’t have to go through. He was always there, right at the end of the punishment, holding me close and helping to undo the pain.”

Remus

“I remember for a while things slowed down. Things became less about pain, more about scolding. I didn’t realise it at the time but it was Sirius’ doing. Of course it was, you know? He was purposefully acting out, taking up both their full attention just so I didn’t have to go through something. I think that’s when I realised that he truly did love me. It wasn’t just some duty he was wearing like a badge, trying to be better than Walburga and Orion. No, it was him loving me and taking care of me the only way that he could.” Regulus swallows hard, and then looks to Remus with glassy eyes. “Because that’s the kind of person Sirius Black is, self sacrificing for those he loves and an absolute anarchist to the man in power.” 

“Thank you Regulus.” Remus says carefully, he leans forward and hits pause on the recorder. “I’m sorry this is so unpleasant for you.” Regulus waves him off, hands shaking just the little bit that lets Remus know he is actually extremely bothered.

“Not like I’m back there.” Remus is not sure of what he’s meant to say now, so he waits. “I’m glad to get it out, actually. Talking in therapy only goes so far before your therapist is crying for you.” That makes Remus snort. 

“Fair enough, well I’m glad to be listening then.” Regulus smiles then, kindly before standing up and leaving the room. He feels sick, he feels so fucking sick. Slowly he gathers his things back into his bag. He felt so sick . Having to listen to Sirius’ story and Regulus back to back was horrible. Listening to the pitiful downturn of their voices when particularly bad memories were talked about, was sickening, having to watch their faces fall when a new memory pops back up made him want to cry. He knew this was going to be hard, he had read the previous magazines front to cover, he knew it was bad he just didn’t… think it was going to be this bad. Have this much of a toll on him. He massages his knee, easing the knot tied there wishing to do the same to his brain.

Chapter Text

Sirius 

“What does Regulus drink?” Sirius asks, thrumming his fingers against the counter, 

Tap

Tap 

Tap . 

“The souls of the innocent.” James snorts, cleans out a mug and sets it up on a shelf.

“No, like the drink's name .” Sirius pushes. James eyes him then, folding his elbows onto the counter and leaning all the way forward. 

“Nobody actually orders what Regulus drinks so there’s not a name for it. It’s like 8 shots of espresso and some ice.” Sirius bites into his lip, “why?”

“Remus ordered something yesterday and I can’t remember what it’s called.” James raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Buying coffee for your work wife already?” He leans back then, throws the towel over his shoulder and pulls out two to go cups. 

“He’s not-” but the look James sends him has him shutting up. 

“The closest thing to Regulus’ drink would be an iced black.” Sirius tilts his head ever so. 

“That sounds close?”

“Americano?” Sirius shakes his head, “double shot?” Another shake of his head. “Espresso?” Another shake and then James looks down to the coffee beans in the grinder, “long black?” 

“YES!”  

“Sounds about right.” James snorts. 

Remus

Sirius Black walks right into his office and drops a to-go cup onto his desk before settling into one of the armchairs opposite it. Remus stares at it like it offended him, again it was the kind Lily was always buying him. Remus had never actually been to the cafe himself, but it made sense that they all got their coffee from the same place. How had he not realised before that they were all linked? 

“How’s the knee?” Sirius asks, taking a sip from his own cup. It’s iced and the colour of it is more like a beige than a coffee brown. Remus doesn’t even want to imagine how sweet it was. 

“Fine.” He  pushes the cup off the printed out interviews and goes back to writing things down. The crumpled up piece of paper Kreacher had given him sits on his desk, right next to his name tag, like it’s haunting him. 

“Better then?” Remus stares up at him and sighs. 

“Yes. Mr Black. Better than yesterday.” He had taken a long hot bath with enough salt to turn it into a deprivation chamber the night before, and he was wearing his brace as well as using his cane for extra measure. Sirius winces. 

“Sorry, am I… intruding? Door was open, I thought-” He goes to get up and Remus sighs, again.

“You’re fine. Thanks for… this.” He waves his hand over the to-go cup, takes a sip to prove he’s okay and then takes another when the bitter taste of actual coffee hits his tongue. “Brilliant.” Remus says, the hint of a smile on his face. Sirius smiles back at him blindingly, settling back into the chair like he was right at home. 

“We have our first photo shoot today. I want you to be there, understand how everything works.” Sirius says then, “your friend Gideon will be there.” 

“Not my friend,” Remus groans, leaning back till his spine is pressed flush with his chair. “What time? I have more interviews.” He was interviewing Bellatirx and Andromeda today, his stomach already curling at the idea.  

“Around 10, Reg is coming over on his extended break.” Sirius takes another sip through the straw, coffee swishing around it. Remus turns to his own planner, Bellatrix’s interview didn’t start until 12. 

“Sure.” Remus says casually. 

“Wicked.” 

Sirius

Regulus meets him in the lobby, rain dripping off his coat and umbrella already sheathed into the plastic bags they kept by the door. 

“Of course it starts to pour when I leave.” Regulus didn’t drive, that was something they talked about when he had first moved in, if his licence was something he wanted. He had outright said fuck no and that was the end of that. James and Sirius opting to drive him everywhere and anywhere instead. 

“Only cause it’s you.” Sirius laughs. Regulus pushes his shoulder but he’s smiling as well as they head towards the elevator. 

“James said you already had your daily caffeine intake.” Regulus mentions casually, Sirius bristles. 

“I don’t have a daily intake . I just hate photo shoots so I asked for something stronger.” Four shots, he had asked for four shots and more cream and sugar and syrups than really should be in a drink to mask it. 

“It’s fine, you’re with me.” Regulus stands straighter when the doors open and he’s met with bright fluorescent lights. Remus is already there, sat up on a dressing table, legs crossed over each other, a brown mug in his hands. He’s wearing a white button down, a silk brown tie and a chunky brown cardigan that looks almost comically oversized, a forced smile on his face as Gideon babbles on. 

“Regulus!” Remus says smiling brightly, jumping down and promptly leaving Gideon behind. “Save me.” He mutters squeezing the smaller man close. “You too.” He points to Sirius a look of murder on his face as Gideon walks back over, hand coming up to settle on Remus’ shoulder. Sirius thinks he’s dangerously close to swinging a fist. 

“Regulus! Mon Cher hello!” Gideon’s leaning in before Regulus can lean back and Sirius snorts, “darling how have you been .” He holds Regulus at arms length and Regulus only shrugs. 

“Gideon,” Sirius says warningly and Gideon releases him. 

“Well come on then,” he’s walking back through his studio, a frown on both Remus’ and Regulus’ face in the wake. 

Remus

The photo they’re recreating is one of the only ones that has both Sirius and Regulus in them. It’s a rather sad photo in all honesty. The dark halls, the blank faces, like a photo you’d take of ghosts. Copies of the photos are plastered everywhere, blown up shots and mini cutouts tapped to mirrors and stands. But the amount of energy that was pumping through the room tells an entirely different story. 

Gideon’s working on Sirius’ face, powders and brushes flying through the air as he says a million different things far too fast to keep up with. Sirius is simply sitting there watching the man ramble. Someone else, a girl with fiery red hair and too many fake freckles darted across her cheeks is on the other bench, working on Regulus’ face now, she’s quiet for the most part, Regulus on his phone, a coffee cup by his station, she’s drinking red bull from a pink straw. There’s people flickering about, coffee and papers in hand, dressed in all black, going over coat racks and shoes and everything else talking down microphones clipped to the side of their heads. In the room over a big black screen has been set up, a makeshift fireplace in front of it and flickering lamps, people were bringing in furniture and rearranging things, setting up cameras. Lady Gaga is blasting from a speaker somewhere and Remus is all at once a bit overwhelmed and not sure what to do with himself. 

“Silver?” Gideon says snapping his fingers and Remus is startlingly aware that he was trying to talk to him .

“Silver?” Gideon pouts at him, actually pouts. 

“Eyeshadow, yes? Silver, or brown?” He’s tilting Sirius’ face up so Remus can stare down into it. The bags are gone, tucked away under layers of white, black smokey eye liner smudged into his eyeline, his cheeks have always been sharp but Gideons done something to them to make them look like they could cut paper. His lips are dusted with pink, glossed over with something clear, he stares up at Remus like his opinion actually matters and Remus can’t think of anything other than how gorgeous the man was. 

“Silver.” Remus says, not really sure what he was agreeing to. Gideon smiles and spins Sirius back around dipping yet another brush into yet another colour. Regulus is done and comes over to lean against the counter, arms crossed.

“Reading anything of taste?” Is his question and Remus has to tear his eyes away from Sirius’ reflection. 

“Rereading actually, Frankenstein.” The book in question is sat in his bag over on the table behind them, old and battered from use. It was one of the few he could keep from his childhood home. Regulus nods along.

“Always hated that one, the professors overused it.” Remus tilts his head. 

“You don’t like humanity?”

“You do?” Regulus shoots back, “the entire novel goes on about how humanity turns us into monsters, but never once talks about self control. You go through hardships and suddenly it’s okay that you become a beast, instead of dealing with your issues and moving on.” Remus hums.

“Hit too close to home huh?” Regulus rolls his eyes but smiles and Remus smiles back. Sirius clears his throat, there’s a striking amount of silver dabbed and smoothed out across his eyelids now. 

“Hair.” Gideon says, placing both hands on Sirius’ shoulders as he jumps up. 

Sirius

This part was the most annoying. 

There’s three people hovering around him pulling at strands and tucking things away, bobby pins and hairspray and clips and everything else. For Regulus it’s easy, they curl out his curls, set it with spray and it’s over. But what they’re doing to him, twisting it this way and that, braiding it up around his head into some kind of crown, dropping pieces back down in front of his face, prodding and touching and cooing - he hates it. 

“Your hair is so nice,” one of them says, Sirius hums.

“Thick as well, you should do things with it more often.” Sirius offers up another hum. 

“Curls are always a nightmare to manage, do you sleep with a bonnet?” Sirius shakes his head then, no Andy and Bella had tried to get him to sleep with one but he hated it. 

“Coffee.” A soft voice says crouching down in front of him. He looks into honey warm eyes. 

“Thanks.” He says back, taking a mug from Remus’ outstretched hand. When he sips at it the sugar hitting him instantly he feels a bit seen. 

“Doing alright?” Remus asks with a raised brow, taking a sip of his own mug. 

“I’m being flattered, people are fussing right over me, and I don’t have to do anything, I’m right where I want to be.” Sirius says back casually, Remus gives him a pointed look. 

“Want something to eat?” He’d throw it right back up. 

“Nah, dressing next, we’re on a time schedule.” Another strand is dropped down his face and Remus stands, carefully brushing it aside, fingers ghosting across his cheeks.

“Don’t dip it in your coffee, these three will have your head.” 

Remus

Sirius Black is in a dress. 

A corseted thing, lace running up the front. The dress itself is split down both sides, his bare legs and heeled feet poking through. His hair is set into a braided crown and he looks stunning. Remus was really starting to understand the comments that he had to stifle through.

“Orion’s going to roll in his grave.” Regulus snorts when he steps out next from the dressing room. He’s in a tight fitted suit, a white elegant collared shirt under the layers of black and pinstripes. Sirius can only smile. 

“I think it looks rather nice,” he says, giving them both a twirl, the dress floats around him, and Remus has to swallow and look away. 

“You always look nice, that’s like, the whole unfair part of our relationship.” Regulus grumbles, straightening his tie and letting his hands drop loosely by his side. “The rest of us have to put in effort.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Remus snorts, “I roll out of bed and whatever's clean gets thrown on.” 

“And you still look that good?” Regulus huffs, Remus’ face heats up. “Life’s unfair.” 

“On in five, Sirius, fix your shoulders.” Someone dressed in all black appears out of nowhere. Sirius runs his hand up to the dress's sleeves and tugs them down until they curl against his forearms. “Better, Mr Lupin follow me.” Remus doesn’t hesitate, she sets him down on a chair right next to one of the cameras and hands him a clipboard of panels. “All the shots we’ll be getting today, try and keep them on schedule, I have to duck out to another set now.” She squeezes his shoulder and ducks out of the room. Since when did he sign up to be the director? 

Sirius

They start with Regulus’ shoot first. Close ups of him on an armchair reading a book, a few of him smiling, some with him on his back, watching the fire. It goes on for 20 minutes, before it’s Sirius' turn to have all eyes on him. He smiles casually, pushing up from where he was leant on the back of Remus’ chair and heads to the centre of the room. 

“Okay Sirius, we’re going to take some full body shots first,” Alexander says from behind the camera, Regulus had pulled up his own chair next to Remus, drinking from a plastic water bottle, he gives him a small thumbs up and Sirius can feel the tightness in his chest ease almost instantly. Alexander is leaning over Remus’ shoulder pointing out the shots on the clipboard that Remus for some reason was holding. “Just a few test shots.” Sirius nods, shakes out his shoulders and smiles. There’s a flash, he leans a hand on his hip and leans forward ever so, another flash, he spins so that the dress flows up and there’s another flash, he’s out of poses and Alexander pulls at the lense, the thing zooming in. “Turn to your side,” Sirius does, “now look back over your shoulder.” He tilts his head back, locking eyes with Remus, there’s a flash, he smiles brightly, another flash, Remus clears his throat and Sirius’ face tilts to the side to look at him better following after the noise, it’s followed by a flash. “Great, drop to the ground for me?” Sirius does, his arms dropping between his knees, head tilted down, face angled up, there’s a flash, Sirius lets his leg slide forward, another flash, he cups his own face and there’s another flash. He’s offered a wine glass, set up in the chair Regulus was in, he’s posed by others, face tilted up to the light, glass filled with some kind of red liquid, flash, flash, flash. “Hold that pose. Regulus,” Regulus is up in an instant and suddenly he’s being posed as well. An arm draped over the back of the chair, his face leant close to Sirius’ a book is slotted into his spare hand, the pages fanning out against Sirius’ arm. “Hold,” flash, “Regulus ease up.” Flash. “Sirius raise the glass.” Flash, “ smile.” FLASH.

Remus

To watch Sirius so effortless turn into something that very well belonged in a museum was alluring. 

He makes it look almost easy to have this many eyes on him, makes the very nation of being shy seem like some far away idea. His body is relaxed, pulled this way and that as he poses, and when he locks eyes with him, head tilted over his shoulder, back arched Remus feels something quicken in his chest, thrumming so hard he has to clear his throat. Sirius’ face does something odd then, falls open, eyes clouded over, chases him with his face almost, leaning ever so forward like he wants to be right there in Remus personal space, his mouth slightly agape no longer smiling more so looking like a statue of aphrodite. Remus clears his throat again when Alexander moves people in to push Sirius down into an armchair. They don’t look at each other again. Regulus follows into the picture, laughing when Alexander gets more demanding and agitated. Sirius is smirking and then smiling and then he’s laughing as well.

“If beauty was a talent they’d both have it in the bag.” Gideon sighs, settling into the seat Regulus had brought over. Remus tears his eyes away from the two Blacks and looks at him. 

“Jealous Gideon? You’re quite attractive as well.” Gideon brushes his fingers over Remus’ cheek. 

“I know that. But it’s all makeup darling, they have natural beauty, I just highlight what's already there.” Remus can only offer a huff in response, he’s starting to look back over when his phone goes off.

“PHONE!” Someone screams and Remus hastily goes to snap the alarm off. Bellatix’s interview in ten. He excuses himself from Gideon and picks his cane and bag up heading out the doors in an instant. 

Sirius

Watching Gideon touch Remus unsettles him. 

And it isn’t just because Remus is arguably attractive, no it’s because they’re flirting and he knows Remus is uncomfortable. Regulus taps his shoulder and Sirius is back to staring into a camera. An alarm goes off, someone screams phone and he’s too distracted by the flashing lights to care. When they’re done Sirius is up in an instant, glass placed down on the ground and stepping away from the set. 

“Excellent.” Alexander says snapping through the photos on a computer, Sirius smiles at him and sets off to find Remus. When he can’t he does a double take of the studio. 

“Meeting.” Regulus says, there’s already a wipe in his hand and half the stuff they had put on his face was scrubbed off leaving his skin red and patchy. 

“Sorry?”

“Remus had a meeting, I assume that’s what’s gotten you hunting around the place.” He gives him a pointed look and Sirius looks towards the door. 

“Just wanted to check he was okay.” Sirius mutters, Regulus rolls his eyes. 

“James is right, he is your work wife.” He walks away then heads to the changing rooms and Sirius slowly follows after him. 

Remus

“Well, I had two sisters to compete with, though our priorities were set on different things.” Bellatrix says, “so it wasn’t so much an empty house full of strangers but rather a battle ground. Who could hold mother’s attention longer, who could get more praise from father, who could be the best.” Remus tilts his head at this, that was an entirely different answer then what he was expecting. “See we were brought up with the understanding that a female was master of all and talker of none.” Ah, there it was. “We were waiting for the right suitor, the right deal to be made before we could mean something. SO there were tasks to learn, understandings to be made. We had to be intelligent, we had to be witty, we had to be pretty. That was most important.” She drums her fingers against the arm of the chair. “I always hated that one, bonnets to keep the curls set just right, treatments and regimes beaten into us until we knew how to care for our hair, ourselves and a man. Dresses and frocks and corsets to match” She runs a hand through her hair now, almost as if she were worried about her appearance. “Had to be below shoulders, always. Dresses to be worn under corsets, skin to be blemish free. We had to learn what the boys did, had to master it, and had to beat them to the answer. If our grades were not above and beyond then we were failing. There were other things, fencing and self defence classes, father offered no praise to either but mother insisted. The men in the noble line of things were dangerous, she wanted us to be able to defend ourselves. That doesn’t mean she stopped the beatings and punishment, meant she took part in it, lived for it even. She loved having one of us cowering under her.” Bellatrix huffs. “First thing I did when I broke free was cut it all off,” she runs a hand through her now waist length hair. “Old habits die hard I guess. And I went to a bar, fought every man that so much as looked at me wanted to prove that I wasn’t something for them to have. Narcissa picked me up later that night, patched me back together. I think… I think it was hers and Andy’s unwavering love that made me like this.” She drags a hand down her face. “A Black should not wear one’s heart on their sleeve. I followed those rules so closely growing up.” She looks pointedly to Remus, “people meet me and are scared, and they should be. I’m a maniac, and I’ll be the first to mention that, but it was my parents' upbringing that made me as such, and it was my sister's undoing that made me kind. ” She almost gags on the word, Remus smiles. “Hair was important, obviously. But curly hair is a nightmare, we used to get into fits of tears when we couldn’t brush the knots out, but Andy was always kind, patient, took over the task for me and Narcissa, though she wears it straight now. Mother would threaten to cut it if I ever asked her for help, threaten to burn my fingers so I had some other kind of pain to focus on. She did follow through on that promise twice, the most unbearable weeks of my life. But Andy was soft, brushed out the knots and wrapped it up so it wouldn’t happen again, and never once did she ever say no.” She looks down to her nails, “Narcissa was always patching us both up. Every punishment met with gauze and creams and kisses until we were giggling too much to remember the pain we were in, it’s no wonder she was passed off first. No wonder she won the battle our parents were putting us through.” Remus jots this down, “it was always going to be her.” 

“Well I wouldn’t say our home was empty. ” Andromeda says carefully, her short hair curling up around her ears when she runs a hand through it. “There was always someone new around, another maid, another teacher, but it was hard. You never could remember the next maids name.” She smiles here, “and there was always something to be done. Chores, lectures, the like. You always had to be prepared.”

“Why?” Remus asks when she falls silent. 

“Oh well, we were told at a very young age we would be passed off to a suitor, so you always had to make sure you looked your best, you were ahead of things, otherwise you’d fall apart. If you weren’t ready you weren’t perfect, you weren’t worth it. It became this big competition between us all.” She looks at him then, tilts her head, “who could be prettier, nimbler, slimmer. We were always on the edge of our seats, waiting, waiting, waiting for the moment we were told we were perfect and our lives could begin in that of a man.” She pauses, “and then Narcissa was offered off and we fell apart.” Her voice is barely a whisper. 

“I-”

“I mean we knew it was bound to happen,” she says quickly, waving in the air.  “But she was 18 at the time, we had no time to prepare even though we had prepared our whole lives for the moment, starved ourselves and went on every diet under the sun. Practised defence until our bones were shaking. Withheld and endured every punishment our parents had seemed fit until we were break back perfect. And then we realised it wasn’t just a game we were playing, it was something that was going to happen and our very own sister, someone we loved more than life itself was being taken away. Bella offered to kill the man the second we were found eavesdropping on the conversation.”

“Narcissa was always smart. That was the annoying thing about her, planned out every moment of her life like it mattered, like she could control anything. And for the most part she controlled us, kept us in tact, made sure we never broke. She commanded a room the second she walked into it, heads would turn and people would listen .” Bellatrix continues, “she was every bit the daughter our parents wanted outside of closed doors. But behind them she was a wreck, and she’s going to hate me for saying this.” She breathes out a snort. “She wasn’t eating, the months leading up to when we got the notice that she was being passed off. It should’ve been a warning sign honestly. She knew, we still haven’t figured out how she knew, but she knew she was being picked. It was almost funny actually, she walked out of the room right after they told her and frowned at herself ‘I was off by two and a half days’, can you believe that? She was being sold off and she was offended that she had got the date wrong.” Bellatrix laughs then, full cackles. 

“Sounds a lot like her.”

“It does, doesn’t it? Well she had pulled us to her room right after, showed us her journals and planners and little calendars, showed us that she was showing off to the nobles, that she had been altering plans when Father was too pissed to notice. Showing off to our parents, making it blatantly obvious that she was the perfect woman. She had all but forced the cards of the deck, counted them perfectly and dealt both Andy and I the losing hand. She did that to protect us. She was always protecting us, and loving on our imperfections that Mother and Father loved to point out so much.” She sighs then, “I hated her for it, worked harder to make them sway, change their minds, sell myself off. But they never did, it was settled. She had sold her life to save ours. That, that is what love is made of, and it’s not a Black trait.”

“She was clever, very clever actually. We all had our strong suits, Bellatrix was strong, physically and emotionally, Narcissa was more clever and cunning then she should be and I was better at numbers and the aesthetics.” She takes a sip of water, “Mother always made that apparent, that I had looks that would take me anywhere. Rallied Bellatrix right up. She hated me for it, but I couldn’t do much to stop her from such. You know hunger is such an unpleasant animalistic instinct. Does things to the brain, it’s almost,” she coughs, “almost addicting. That feeling of control. We could control so little in that house, but the one thing I could? Was hunger. I starved myself for that praise until I was bone thin, kept going until I was fainting. Bellatrix could never mimic that, like I said it does things to the mind, you have to eat. Have to, but with me? It’s almost like I didn’t need it, it was simply a concept I indulged in occasionally.” Remus takes a deep breath. “Kept me ahead of both of them at something .”

“You developed an eating disorder?”

“I wouldn’t put a label to it.” Andromeda says hastily. “No, I developed a tactic, something to keep me in control. It was easy, water does wonders on an empty stomach and seeing that number go down and my mothers praise go up, well it was all very addicting. It fumbled the other end of things, the defence, the intelligence, can’t think or act fast when your stomach is all but trying to eat itself to keep it in line.” She takes another drink, Remus frowns at the water and the sickening sensation that she hasn’t eaten today sets in. “But I was winning some parts of the game. Narcissa and Bellatrix were worried, they always were, we had to be worried with one another, we had to care for one another because otherwise we had nothing but ourselves, and we weren’t made to be perfect yet. They loved me, and I them, and that was the only kind of love in that house, the only thing keeping it beating.”

“Andy struggled the most I think. It was always harder on her, she was the oldest, she had been the game the longest, she had to be more, we were born after her, if they were happy with the first they wouldn’t have continued. I think Andy took that to heart, and saw herself as something less than perfect. Which is so wrong, words come to a blank.” Bellatrix drums her fingers against her thigh. “But she took it the hardest, punishments to make up for her failures, more lessons to make up for her lack of knowledge, it broke her, we watched it happen, and we were there to put her back together behind closed doors.” 

“Did this impact the game?”

“Mr. Lupin, you have no idea what the game is even about .” She says cooly eyes wild. “But no, no it didn’t. We were still battling for the top, but we were still patching each other back up, offering help whenever we could. The amount of fights I threw just so I could be at the receding end of the punishment for failure rather than one of them. It didn’t matter, never did, pain is an animalistic emotion, it means nothing other than a heads up to ‘hey we should run now!’ or ‘bite back or you’re dead’ it's easy to turn off, easy to make go away. For me that was my sisters, thinking of one of them under the blade, under the fist, whatever , made it hurt less because it was me. I could cut my palm open right now and not feel a thing, because it's not them going through it.”

“Like I said, we all had our strong suits, but it wasn’t like we were hiding the answers. Bella would stay up late teaching me fighting techniques, Narcissa would lend me notes and books and everything else, hold her own lecture hall until we caught up. I would teach them the business side of things, what numbers meant, what imports and exports Father was in line of, and teach them how to tie a corset to make them look smaller. We helped and healed each other, took care of each other best we knew how. The game never mattered to us, our love did. For our parents that was the opposite, we needed to be perfect so we were. We didn’t need love so we received none. But that thing you talked about? Children needing love, we had that, with each other, and if not for each other we very much would not be here.”

Sirius

Remus looks exhausted when he walks back into the conference room later that evening. His arms are full of books and pages, his cane hooked around his satchel as he limps towards the table. Juniper was set up on the projector, editing today's photos, Alexander and Mary already going over ideas for the next shoot and Sirius was set up in his usual spot, hands curled around a mug journal open in front of him, Remus’ interviews from the day before up on his laptop. There’s plenty of space on the table to sit wherever he pleases really, he had a whole office to himself just behind the table as well, so when Remus all but falls into the seat right next to him, Sirius can feel his heart try to break free. 

“Your cousin has an eating disorder as a coping mechanism for lack of childhood love, did you know that?” Remus says, no hello, just tired eyes staring up at him like some big puzzle piece was missing. 

“I did.” He was, of course, talking about Andy. 

“And your other cousin is a sadist, she can switch off physical pain receptors to protect those she loves.” Ah Bella. 

“Most of us are,” Sirius says then, not him, however, he still hated being hurt, physical pain never ceased to cut deep.

“You’re all crazy. I hate all of your parents.” Sirius snorts. 

“Welcome to the club.”

“I run the fucking club.” Remus mutters then and that itch to take apart Remus’ story is right there at the forefront of his mind. “Another two done.” He pushes the books towards Sirius. “Your hair is still up.” He says then looking back up to Sirius, Sirius goes to run a hand through his hair and stops. 

“Too much hairspray,” he says. He couldn’t do anything about it until he was home and drowning in a shower. 

“Right.” Remus says then, clears his throat. “What are you up to?” Sirius looks down to his own work then. 

“Layout design,” he says absently, still trying to figure out how to ask Remus something without him freaking out and running away. “Mary had printed some of the photos off today, I’m working them into the flow of our interviews.”  He knows this is actually meant to be Lucinda’s job but she was out at lunch and he couldn’t find Devereux so here he was slotting things together trying to make it flow. 

“Right.” Remus says again and opens up his own laptop, plugs a beaten pair of headphones into his tape recorder and starts to type, fingers moving faster than should be possible. Sirius smiles, looks down to his own work and picks up a pen, absently scratching things into the pages below.

Chapter Text

Remus

Teddy wouldn’t let go of his quilt. Remus had tried, but he wouldn’t let it go, and Remus was tired, so he gave up, Teddy gripping it close to his chest as he sat in an armchair far too big, legs kicking out in front of him, hand curled around his knee digging into the skin. 

“You okay?” Remus asks, instead of asking for it back. Teddy only looks up at him, wide eyed, no commitment to noise. Remus sighs, settling in the chair opposite his. The tears had stopped, so that was a good sign. “Do you want to go to school?” Teddy, again, is impartial to noise. The porridge sitting on the side table to the armchair is untouched, Remus didn’t know how to get him to eat. How to get him to talk again. He sighs, clasps his hands together and leans forward ever so slightly, staring at the small boy. “Are you… angry at me?” Remus tries, Teddy’s eyes widen a little more, there’s a soft shake of his head and Remus feels the tightness in his chest ease a little. That was a good sign at least. He bites into his lip thinking, thinking, thinking. He’s suddenly very aware of the conversation Barty had had with him on the couch. He straightens a little. “Can I tell you a secret?” Remus says softly, Teddy looks at him curiously. “I’m not okay.” He admits, Teddy’s kicking legs still, his grasp on the blanket softens, Remus had his whole attention. “And that’s okay, you know? To not be okay. It’s normal, not every day can be great.” Teddy tilts his head. “But I’m not okay, I’m really tired, and I’m really hungry, and I don’t want to go to work. But I have to, because there’s a lot of people who want to see me and want me to be there, can I… well I don’t suppose you’re going to eat your breakfast.” Remus goes to pick up the bowl of porridge and Teddy almost jumps out of the chair. “May I have some?” Teddy stares at him for a long moment then nods his head softly. Remus scoops some of the oats onto a spoon and takes a bite. It was bitter, plain like how Teddy liked it. He stands then and heads to the kitchen pulling out the bottle of honey from the pantry and adding it to the dish before settling back into his armchair. He sits there, taking small bites watching as the kid in front of him stares and stares. Suddenly Teddy’s up and moving through the apartment. Remus sighs, didn’t work then . But then Teddy is back, a small spoon in his hand and he’s crawling at Remus’ legs until he’s settled in his lap and scooping some of the porridge onto his own spoon avoiding the parts covered in honey carefully. He takes a small bite.

“Tired Remmy.” Teddy says then, Remus looks down at him.

“Yeah?”

“Tired here.” He points to his head and Remus runs a hand through his hair pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head. “Too big.” Remus doesn’t know what that means. He takes another bite, Teddy mimics him.

“Too big? Like… emotions?” Remus tries to piece together. Teddy nods slowly, takes another bite of his oats. “Do you want to go to school?” He’d call Teddy in sick, call Poppy in a second.

“No.” Teddy takes another bite, “but Harry wants me to. And Loony and Miss Lily.” Remus stares down at him then, eyes burning. 

“It’s also okay to put yourself first Pup.” Remus says softly. 

“I’m always first.” Teddy frowns, “not fair.” He takes another bite, Remus doesn’t understand him.

“So?”

“School.” Teddy decides, the quilt curls around the both of them, “I can sleep when back home.” Home.

“You sure?”

“Have to.” Teddy takes another bite, scooping oats out from under the honey now, Remus laughs. 

“You should try it, it’s nice.” Remus takes another bite as if to prove a point. Teddy glares up at him but does and almost gags, Remus snorts. 

Sirius

“Thank you for agreeing to this Narcissa.” Sirius says, they’re sitting in the interview room, well, really it was a spare office that they had turned into an interview room. Windows pulled shut, lights off except for the lamp on the table shared between them. There’s foam panelling along the walls to muffle the outside and inside noises.

“Well, anarchy and all that.” Narcissa says casually but he knows she’s on edge. They always were every time the anniversary came up. Despite their willingness to talk, wanting their memories out there, it didn’t take away from the ache. 

“Right,” Sirius smiles, “down with the Blacks.” She raises her mug of coffee towards him. “So. I guess I’ll jump right in then.” Sirius leans forward, hits record on his laptop and angles the microphones so they’re closer. “My name is Sirius Black, I’m here with-”

“Narcissa.” She says automatically. Sirius smiles again.

“It’s the 14th of august, 12pm. Narcissa,” Sirius says again, she looks at him expectantly. “When you were alone, how did you hope to pass the time? Were their dreams that you wished to come true? Friends that you missed? Did you and your cousins ever share similar dreams to you, your sisters?” She laughs.

“Just jumping straight in then hey.” She takes a long sip of her chai mulling the idea over. “Well. I was never lonely.” She says then, “never a second spent alone I should say. I had Bella and Andy with me almost always, we grew up in a fast paced high competitive household. If you were alone then somehow you were cheating and trying to get one up on the other two, so I was followed, and I followed them too. They were my best friends, I didn’t have others, not at school or the balls or anything of the sort.” She tilts her head, “we had each other, and that was it. Mother and Father didn’t want anything to do with us, unless it was a report card. And the other kids at school, they were, well. They were just as competitive as us I’d like to think. Private school will do that, you’re there to succeed, you’re there to be better than the rest. So there was never really time for dreams or hopes. I guess the one thing I held onto was wanting to make the people around me proud. My sisters and parents, teachers and scholars. I wanted to walk into a room and have people know that I was a master of everything, someone you could speak with and know you were on even ground. I like to think I’m never brought into a conversation without some kind of understanding of topics.” She looks at him then. “I can talk my way into and out of anything. I think I succeeded in my one hope, I am something to be proud of now, and I make heads turn and brains understand. But… my sisters, cousins, they never shared the same hopes. No. I think they despised everything our parents were, the company they kept. I wanted every part of it, I wanted to change it, they wanted out of it.” 

“That must have been hard,” Sirius says, instead of arguing. He had wanted out, he had wanted out the second Regulus was born and he was doomed to the same fate Sirius was, she knew that. “Being the only one to, well understand what was happening.”

“We all understood what was happening. We were never children, we were items to be sold off and bragged about when time deemed right. Legacy holders. We knew that, it was beaten into us. But. I was the only one to understand why it was happening, I believe.” She takes a sip from her mug, “I wanted to be a part of that world, it always seemed so glowing and bright, like something important, and when you’re told your whole life that this was what you were made for you tend to think that that was the only thing you were made for. It wasn’t until my 18th birthday that I realised I didn’t want a single thing to do with that world, I wanted to burn it to the fucking ground instead.” She looks down at her bare hand, where a ring had been slipped on like a chain. Sirius wants to reach forward but suddenly she’s animated again. “I guess that’s why I ended up here, at Blackstar. It was all that glowing hope of the world our parents held above our heads but it was the opposite in value. It was a stop to what our parents had tried their whole lives to make, it was honesty and promises and not lies and deceit. It was exactly what I was made to be, and it was run by none other than Sirius Black.” She rolls her eyes as she says it, “someone who worked just as hard as I did to understand this dark world, to make a change, only they succeeded and I fell for it, fell for the traps our parents set up. If not for them I would never have broken out. None of us would have, they were a trend setter, the first in a long long line of Black’s to look the title dead in the face and say no. The first to run away, the first to take their life into his own. I always admired that strength, that power. He was always there for us, knew what it was we were going through because we happened to be born female. They were kind and considerate always meddling with things so that our lives were more comfortable, they still are now, making sure everything and anything we want is right there for the taking, not because he can but because they know we deserve it, and all the listeners at home, all the people reading this article deserve it to. Sirius Black was my saviour, in a world of darkness, was a beacon of hopes and dreams when mine had become no longer desirable. In a sense, yes, my cousins and sisters shared the same hope, to get out, to be saved, Sirius made sure those hopes were heard.” 

Remus

He’s late by two hours, Andromeda makes sure he knows this the second he walks through the door. 

“Slacking off already Lupin?” She peers up at him with big eyes, chin caught in both her hands. He flips her off and she snickers. 

“Forgot your morning coffee?”

“Oh piss off , at least I’m not late .” But she does get up then, heads towards the pot brewing in the corner. He does a take of the room. There were more whiteboards today, pictures from yesterday's shoot finalised and up on them with magnets, notes on colour pieces of paper under them. The picture of Sirius looking at him, mouth agape was chosen, lighting shading his face into a soft delicate thing. Remus has to tear his eyes away, reminding himself that this was work. People are fanned out around the room, Sirius isn’t here. Remus makes towards his office. Teddy had left his quilt at home in trade with a stuffed wolf that was almost the same size as him, Lily had met them at the office as he was checking him in and she had looked at the thing and offered up a big bright smile. Remus draws the curtains open so that he can see the outside room, watches Andy settle back on the table a large mug clasped between her hands, he settles at his own desk, stares at the pages he had left, at the files that had been placed in his tray. Turns his laptop on, starts up the website. He had been neglecting it these last few days, but he was one of five on the team, surely they’d kept up his end of work. 

He drums his fingers against the table as he scrolls, there’s comments and questions everywhere most had been answered, some had been flagged. There’s a few new articles up as well, he reads over them, smiling softly as he leaves some comments of his own. He spends maybe an hour doing this before the files on his desk can no longer be put off. Slowly he goes to grab the first one when his hand brushes against the paper Kreacher had given him. He opens it back up and stares at it. 

Undore teh lead

He frowns. Runs his hands over the thing again, like it would now reveal its secrets. It doesn’t, and he opens his draw to shove the thing into. But he stops, staring down at the box of photos. Gently he picks it up and drops it on his desk. 

Undore teh lead

Kreacher wasn’t prolific in English, that was obvious. But maybe he was trying to tell Remus something of actual importance. He slides the lid off the box, stifles through the photos again, his stomach lurching at them. He slides his hand up the sides of the box, digs into the card, nail slipping into the joint. And then he picks up the lid of the box, runs his hand over the underside of it until he finds a loose corner, he pulls at it, pulls until the whole thing comes loose and three items fall onto his desk. 

The first being an aged piece of paper, Kreacher’s barely legible handwriting on it, paired with what very well looked like Sirius’ handwriting. Sentences, names, letters - drawn in perfect cursive, followed by Kreacher’s less fortunate handwriting. He runs a hand over it, tucks it back into the box. 

The next is a browned photo of a young looking Sirius Black, eyes bright and happy, holding a bundle of blankets in his arms, a small Regulus wrapped up in them, Kreacher is there too, beaming at the camera, hand curled carefully over Sirius’ shoulder. 

The next is a piece of paper. Kreacher’s handwriting again dancing across the page in odd angles. He can’t make out any of the supposed words, even when he looks back at the piece of paper he had received from the man - Undore teh lead ; Under the lid - none of the should be words make much more sense, but Sirius’ name is there, right up at the top of the page the only thing spelled correctly, penmanship heavy, careful, like it was the most important part of the letter. He folds these items back up, and the piece of paper Kreacher had given him and slides them back into their draw. Right, that was that solved. He goes to close the draw but stops himself. Was he meant to… to give Sirius these things? Was that what Kreacher was asking of him? To hand over some form of… well he didn’t know what he couldn’t even make out the words. He slides the letter back out, and the photo, sets them into an envelope and slots it into the stand. Finally he pulls open the file. 

Sirius

Remus is here when Sirius gets back from his interview. He’s hauled up in his office a mountain of files surrounding him and Sirius almost beelines for him. Remus has never been more than 20 minutes late before, so being two hours late is so far from his character that Sirius hasn’t been able to stop the worry ebbing at him all morning. 

But Andy’s grabbed onto him before he can enter the office.

“We’re going out for lunch, want to join us?” We being; Andy, Bella and Cissa.

“I’m fine, actually. Thanks.” She squeezes his forearm. 

“Can we bring you back something to eat then?” Narcissa asks, pulling her bag from her shoulder so she can go through it properly, “or your wife?” 

“Not my- no. No I’m fine, you should ask him though.” Sirius pulls his arm from Andy’s grip and heads instead to his own office, away from Remus. He hits plays on his laptop and begins to type up the manuscript. He gets half way through a paragraph when he’s disturbed.

“Don’t send your cousins after me!” Remus says slamming his hands down on his desk either side of his laptop. 

“What?” Sirius blinks up at him. 

“Andy? Bellatrix? Narcissa ? Don’t send them after me! Do you know how many times I had to say no before they finally took the hint?” Remus is frowning at him, “I don’t need to be monitored, or followed after or looked after, so stop .” He pushes himself off the desk then goes to turn to the door. 

“What?” Sirius says incredulously, getting up himself. 

“I don’t need you, or Lily or anyone else following me around and making sure I eat and sleep and whatever else you’re worried over.” Remus spins then, shoulders pulled tight. “I don’t need your pity or your worry or-”

“I didn’t do anything!” 

“Oh I’m so sure.” Remus rolls his eyes. “Your very meddling cousins just decided to offer to take me to lunch, then, is that it?” Sirius gestures widely.

“Yes?” He’s meant to be sure of it but it trickles out as a question. Remus’ frown deepens.

“What?”

“Remus I didn’t say anything, or do anything I don’t even know if you have eaten today. Alright? I didn’t send my cousins after you.” He studies Remus for a moment, “has no one here offered to take you to lunch before? Or grab a coffee? That’s like… common office law.” Remus’ shoulders tighten again, his face flushing. 

“No. I don’t exactly have friends.” He crosses his arms across his chest and Sirius wants to amend that instantly. 

“Okay well awesome, not. You have a whole floor worth of them, okay? And they’re going to offer you lunch and snacks and coffee and I suggest you get used to the notion instead of barging in here and pointing fingers.” Sirius runs a hand through his hair, the other settling on his hip. “Did you want lunch?” 

“I just-”

“A question, Remus. Are you hungry? Yes or no.” Remu’s shoulders ease a little. 

“No.” And then he walks back out of the room and slides into his own office, snapping the blinds closed. Right.

Remus

Okay, so maybe Teddy’s episode this morning got to him more than he liked to admit. Maybe he wasn’t acting the most sanely because all he can think about is that tiny kid and what could have possibly made his morning so bad. Teddy offered no insight after they had finished the porridge. Nothing was out of place in his room, he was dressed, wolf in and hand and ready to go, so why was it that the first two hours of the morning were so bad ? He’s a kid, there shouldn’t be these big pressing matters upsetting him, and for the life of him he can’t figure it out. The only conclusion he could come to was maybe he wasn’t the best fit as Teddy’s guardian. And that thought hurt a lot more than he was expecting it to.

Older sister magic:

On a break, wnat to call?

Younger brother mischief:

Want*

Let me head to the roof

“Hey,” Lily says when the line connects, Remus is crouched down in the corner, a cigarette already lit between his fingers, the rain pattering down around them quietly. 

“Hey.” Remus says, drags smoke into his lungs, holds it.

“Good job with the quilt.” Lily says, the sound of a radio is on in the background and he takes it she must be driving to the park up the road from the school. 

“Barty surprisingly knows what he’s talking about.”

“Barty?” Lily laughs, “Barty gave you advice about kids?”

“Shocking huh.” He lets the smoke in his lungs climb back out. 

“Just a bit, he claims to hate them.” 

“Well, it worked this morning so he must know what he's talking about.” He takes another drag. “How is Teddy?”

“He’s fine, great even. All smiles and laughter. He’s taking a nap right now actually, got a bit tired after painting. No issues though.” And then, “Remus?” 

“I had a go at Sirius again.” She scoffs on the other end. 

“I thought that would end, shockingly.” He can hear the flick of a lighter. “Was he being an ass?” She asks quickly.

“It was a missguided go at him.” 

“Did you apologise?” She says just as quickly. 

“I kind of just… left.” 

“Sounds like you Rem. It’s fine, he’s not one to hold grudges, unless you’re dressed in all black and locked up in a manor going insane.” Remus snorts then, “what about?”

“I thought he was pitying me.”

“Oh he probably is. But that’s just what Sirius does, wants to help everyone and everything. Take away all that lovely pain that makes us so bloody human.” She sounds nonplussed, breathes out heavily. “He’ll learn though, if you let him. How to help, when to step down.”

“Maybe I don’t want him to learn.”

“Think you’re a bit too late there.”

“He said I had a floor full of friends.” Remus’ voice comes out small, Lily sighs. 

“Rem, you do. You’re actually quite a loveable person? Don’t know if you know this?” She’s mocking him, and then her voice is softer. “Everyone from the party loves you as well, and misses you. They’ve all texted me asking if I handed out the wrong number since you’re not texting any of them back.”

“I don’t know how to text them back.” He breathes in deep, smoke curling up and out through his nose. 

“You do, you just don’t like being the centre of attention. You’re fine Remus, you can’t mess up with this bunch, I mean you can, and you’ll be mocked to high heaven and back, but you won’t be outcasted. Did I tell you about this one time James…”

Sirius

He’s just about finished with the manuscript when he’s interrupted - again - by Remus, hands sprayed out on his desk, leaning over his laptop.

“Are you hungry?” Sirius blinks up at him for a moment. 

“A little.” 

“Can I buy you lunch?” It comes out in a jumble and Sirius blinks slowly up at him again.

“You can just use the company ca-”

“ Can I buy you lunch? ” Remus repeats, eyes ablaze, and Sirius is met with the idea of honey once again. 

“Ah. Yes?” Sirius says, not wanting to get the question wrong, as if that were even possible. Remus shoves his phone into Sirius' face and Sirius carefully takes it from him. “Are you eating?” Remus offers a curt nod and then sits on the edge of one of the armchairs, hands folded between his knees, cane leant against his thigh. Sirius laughs then and promptly shuts up when Remus glares at him. The phone’s opened on some Indian place he doesn’t recognise, and slowly he goes through the menu adding things to the cart, when he hands the phone back over Remus grabs at it, stands up and promptly leaves, before sticking his head back in. 

“Sorry for yelling at you earlier.” And then he’s back out the door. Well then, another thing is added to his list of Remus Lupin. 

1. Remus did not like personal questions
2. He didn’t like being in the centre of attention
3. He was a person of flight, the second something became uncomfortable he ran away 
4. He drank coffee like it was life support
5. He hated being pitied
6. He never quite knew where he belonged without verbal cues - insecure
7. Gift giving - love language

Remus

It’s not until he’s back in the elevator, plastic bag in hand, that he remembers he still had Kreacher's letter sitting on his desk. He stops by his own office picking it up with a pile of files and heads next door to Sirius, dumping the bag on the desk and curling up in the armchair, promptly avoiding saying anything. He could do this, play nice , make friends , it was doable . He had managed it with Lily for 7 years now. He just doesn't remember how it started. That's all. 

“Thank you, Remus,” Sirius manages to catch his eye and all Remus can do is shrug, creasing the papers between his fingers. How was he meant to hand over this letter? Your creepy babysitter, nanny, father?? Gave this to me and a riddle to solve in order to do so. He thrusts the paper out in front of him, Sirius stares at it. 

“Kreacher.” He settles on. Sirius frowns then, taking the pages from his hand. He stares at it for all but a second, opens his draw and drops it in. 

“Thanks.” He says, this time a bit coldly. Remus opens the plastic bag digging through it before he finds a plastic container with his curry in it. He takes a bite. 

“Don’t know how you’re able to read that stuff.” He tries for casual, not sure if it comes off that way at all. 

“Pardon?” Sirius pulls out his own container, orange chicken and rice. 

“Didn’t look like English to me when I found it, just your name.” Sirius looks down to his draw. 

“Well. Despite my efforts, Kreacher never got the hang of writing.” Sirius pulls the lid of the container off carefully. “He did try, though.” Sirius mutters, digging his fork into the rice. Touchy subject, right. Remus had plenty of those. Plenty of things he wanted to avoid, so he does, avoids this, and turns the conversation 180. 

“What are you working on?” 

“Narcissa’s interview,” Sirius turns his screen so Remus can see his document. “She had quite a bit to say.” He saves the document then, fingers gliding against the keyboard, “probably why they all went to lunch. This time of year always gets touchy.” Sirius takes another bite of his rice. 

“I can imagine.” Sirius is eyeing him carefully then. 

“Anything on your mind?”

“Nope.” He coughs into his hand, brain turning and clicking away, trying to avoid whatever question it was that Sirius was about to ask him. 

Sirius

“You and Lily aren’t biological are you? Your accents are far too different, you mentioned she had adopted you?” He watches the twitch in Remus’ eyebrow, watches his shoulders tense right up like how he had earlier. Sirius wants to back peddle, fast , in fact he goes to open his mouth but Remus beats him to it.

“No.” Remus says voice low as he digs another portion of curry onto his fork. “No we’re not.” He lets the food fall back off and taps his fork against the container. Sirius doesn’t know what to ask him to not have him running away again. 

“But, you did grow up together?” He’s hoping that was the right question, he’s met with a deep frown and realises that, no, it is not. 

“No. We’ve known each other since highschool, year ten more specifically.” He places his container down on the edge of Sirius’ desk and picks up a file instead. 

“Quite a big bond.” Sirius says then, Remus doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look at him, scribbles into the files in his hand. Back peddle, reverse, what was the un do button? He frowns and then fidgets with the silver rings on his fingers. “Lily’s always like that though, she looks at you and it’s like you never want her to stop. James was smitten the second she so much as breathed in his direction.” Sirius says carefully, Remus snorts, there , un do.

“I know I was there Sir- Mr. Black.” Again Sirius’ heart sores at the mistake. 

“Right, yes of course-”

“His courting skills were atrocious. ” Sirius snorts. 

“That’s not-”

“He brought her lilies. She’s allergic,” Remus gives him a pointed look. Sirius had to admit that was pretty bad when it happened, she had broken out in hives. 

“Okay but her name is Lily , he was trying to be sweet.” Sirius points his fork at him and Remus laughs, picking his container back up, knees curled to his chest as he re-adjusts himself to get more comfortable. 

“Almost killed her and they weren’t even dating yet.” Remus takes a bite of his curry, Sirius mimics.

“Still sweet.”

“Ah yes, nothing more sweet than death .” Remus sighs dreamily and Sirius snorts. 

“Okay, no, no more talking like that.” Remus looks over at him, “you and death need to stop flirting.” 

“My one true love!” Remus puts a hand to his chest in mock offense. 

“Are you allergic to anything?” Sirius asks then with a roll of his eyes. Remus looks up to the ceiling. 

“Cheap laundry detergent, some soaps, my skin breaks out. You?” Remus rolls his head to look at him then, Sirius shakes his head. 

“Nothing, Reg’s allergic to shellfish though.” He says it automatically, like he always did. Like everyone needed to know everything about Regulus. “Drives Marlene mental when we order pizza, her favourites seafood.” Remus smiles. 

“Gross.” 

“You don’t like fish?” 

“Or olives, pineapple, peas, sugar in my coffee, chestnuts, pears, nectarines, sushi, sweet tea, most pies.” Remus lists them on his fingers absently. “The one thing Teddy and I share interest in is the pickiness of food.” 

“Those are literally all of my favourite things.” Sirius says, offended, “olives are great .” 

“You have terrible awful taste.” Remus says blankly, takes another bite of his curry. 

“I find you hold that record actually,” Sirius makes a mental note, though, about all of that. Holds it close in his little file of Remus. “What do you do when you order a martini?”

“I don’t order a martini?” Remus shakes his head at him, “duh.” 

“But those are great as well!” 

“I steal sips from Lily’s then, does that answer fit your question?” Remus reaches into the plastic bag between them, tears off some naan bread. 

“Fine.” 

“You?” Remus asks then, and Sirius tilts his head. 

“Meee?” He drags out the word and Remus rolls his eyes again. 

“What don’t you like? Or are you not picky about anything other than horrible taste.” Sirius throws a napkin at him. 

“Uh, I’m not super picky. I don’t like duck.” He tilts his head thinking, “or turkey, most birds actually. Uh…” what didn’t he like? “Berries are a bit gross.” 

“A bit gross?” 

“They’re just gross. Seeds and textures and they’re always either too sweet or too bitter.” Sirius grabs another slice of naan. 

“Right,” Remus is smiling as he says it. 

Remus

This was surprisingly a lot easier than he thought. Maybe that was because Sirius was leading the conversation though, but if so Remus would happily follow if it meant not sitting here in awkward silence. 

“How is Teddy?” Sirius asks then, dipping his naan into one of the containers of sauce. 

“He’s fine,” he’s taken back to this morning. “Just dealing with things his own way, actually got him to eat a whole bowl of breakfast for once.” Remus admits. 

“Oh?”

“He’s going through a porridge phase at the moment,” Sirius stills and Remus looks to him then, going over the conversation looking for something he said wrong. 

“Right,” Sirius clears his throat, drops his naan in favour of his fork.

“You alright?” Remus asks then.

“You just reminded me of something Pandora said the other night,” Sirius waves his hand. “Anyway, he doesn’t normally eat a whole bowl?” 

“Not really, he doesn’t really eat a whole anything, always little bits left. He did really well this morning.” Remus says almost proudly. Sirius smiles kindly at him. 

“Seemed to love those oranges the other night.” 

“I cannot get him to eat a single one! I brought a whole bag of them and he won’t even look at them.” 

“Sounds like Harry, he went over to Draco’s house one time, ate this pudding dish? James and Regulus went out to get him some and ended with Barty and Dorcas having to finish them all.” Remus laughs. “They even went back to get more when they had eaten the lot.” 

“I’m slowly getting through the oranges.” Remus admits, “should just bring them here and drop them on the table out there, be gone in a second.” Remus tilts his head to look into the conference room, he had left the bar of chocolate Lily had given him on the table and it was gone the next hour. 

“They’d expect you to keep bringing things.” 

“I have a whole pantry of things Teddy’s tried and hated, they can have it all.” Remus takes another bite of his curry. “Might actually, clear some room.” 

“Well if they don’t take it I’m sure James will, he’ll eat anything. ” Sirius admits. “You should see him on take-out nights, mixing everything and anything together just to try it.” And then, “you should actually. Come over that is,” Remus looks down to his container. 

“That’s very kind of you.” 

“Well the others miss you, seems like I’m hogging you all to myself.” He pulls out a pen and paper. “Here actually, in case you need me for anything.” He hands it to Remus and Sirius’ number is written down on the thing, and his address. 

“I have your number Mr Black.”

“You have my work number. You never responded to my text after the party so I doubt you know which one is mine.” That was true, the only numbers he had saved were the ones with their names in the message, and surprisingly that had only been Pandora’s, Peter’s and Bartys.

Chapter Text

Sirius

Walburga was here. Her dark presence is an unholy sight in his building. 

She had walked out of the elevator to his office space like it was a common thing to be doing and all but demanded his presence. Narcissa was there first then Bellatrix and he wasn’t sure what he was meant to do, say, to make her go away.

“Give me a fucking reason bitch.” Bella hisses, her pocket knife pulled out, a centimetre away from Walburga’s throat. She looks down at the girl like she was nothing. 

“I have to state again, that without a meeting, you can’t be here Ms Black.” Narcissa has her hands behind her back, clasped together so tightly her fingers were going pale, she had a fake smile on her face trying to hold the room together. 

“And I have told you, Narcissa, I do not need a meeting to see my son.”

“I am not your anything .” Sirius hisses out, the anger bubbling right up his throat. 

“Well you’re certainly my blood, that very thing is pumping right through your little chest right now.” She looks at him cooly, like he was beneath her, like she was above all of them. “I wouldn’t be here if someone knew how to return calls.”

“And as I stated Ms Black, I have returned every call, letter and email that you have sent, if you are unhappy with the results it is not my issue. Sirius Black is a very busy man.” Narcissa is quick to reiterate. 

“Well he does look awfully busy standing over there doing nothing, doesn’t he?” Something snaps in him. 

“My office. Now.” He snarls, and pushes past her and Bella slamming the doors open, she smiles smugly and follows after him. “Do not let anyone in.” He snaps at Bella before he slams the doors back shut. He was a floor below just a second ago, sat with Remus having coffee going over the final interview - one with Barty - they were working together, peacefully. And then Narcissa had gotten a call from security and the three of them were pulled from the happy warm haze. “What.” He says, doesn’t sit, doesn’t offer her a chair either, but she takes one, on the couch he and Remus shared. 

“Well now, that’s no way to speak to your mother.”

“You are not my mother.” He snarls. She looks at him patiently and he runs a hand down his face. “What is it, Walburga? Did Orion die again .” That was the only other time she had shown up here. Last year, just after the anniversary, teary eyes on her face, as if she were capable of anything of the sort. He was buried a week later, Sirius had gone but Regulus had stayed home. 

“No, your father still remains in the ground.” She says it casually as if he didn’t spend a week holding her together. He had hated himself that entire week, hated what she was doing to his mind. Had spent a week back in that hellhole of a manor, packing up his fathers things, making sure his mother had eaten and not just drank through his supply of alcohol, held onto her when she cried, tried his hardest to keep her upright and breathing. She hadn’t left the house since, or at least he hadn’t seen her since. “I wanted to talk about October.” She says, brushing linen from the couch off, “you ought to get cleaners in here.”

“Don’t tell me what I ought to do.” He snaps, she places her hand back into her lap. Straightens her back. “October?” He says then, the anniversary, she wanted to talk about the anniversary. 

“I understand that it is quite important to you to spread your… false memories-”

“Are you serious? This, this is your tactic, come here and try and gaslight- ”

“But with your father gone, I was hoping you’d skip a year.” And that was all kinds of fucking rich. 

Remus

He stares at the paperwork him and Sirius were going over. One second he was there, and the next Narcissa had all but said ‘ Black ’ and the three of them had left. So he sat there, printing off Bartys manuscript - an interview Sirius had done - and adding it to the file with the others. He’s passing it to the layout team on the way to grab coffee when he gets a text from Poppy. 

Poppy:

Remus I fucked up I’m so sorry. Teddy wanted to surprise you at work, I thought it would be fine, you only had another half hour but I’ve lost him. Security can’t find him on the cameras, I don’t know what to do.

Remus:

Poppy. What the fuck do you mean? 

Poppy is calling…

“What did you do?” Remus hisses down the line, and then instantly stops when he hears her hiccup of a breath on the other line. “I’m. It’s fine. Where are you?” God he was so fucking tired. 

“I’m in the lobby.” She sniffles and Remus is running out the door in an instant, cane forgotten. 

“Poppy!” Remus huffs when the elevators give way. 

“Remus, I’m so sorry-”

“Not helping, where did you take him?” There’s two men standing next to her, dressed in all black and all but looming over her. She bunches her skirt in her hands. 

“Just up a floor, I thought you were still at your old desk, but he got away from me and no one remembers seeing him.” Remus rubs his temples, today was not the day. 

“Right, and you can’t find him on the cameras?” 

“No sir. We followed them up to the floor and it looks like he ducks behind a desk but he doesn’t reappear anyway.” 

“Great, fantastic, fucking brilliant.” He runs a hand through his hair, his knee was aching, he was currently having one of the worst migraines of his life and Poppy was still crying. “Go home, it’s fine.” He turns then, heads back to the elevator, Poppy takes after him but he makes sure the doors shut before she can step on. Where would he go? Where on earth would he have wandered to? 

Sirius

“Get out.” Sirius sighs. 

“I’m asking for one thing! One!” 

“ GET OUT !” Sirius roars and Walburga stands up. 

“Sirius, your father is dead!”

“I don’t care! I wouldn’t care if you died tomorrow! I’d burry you, I’d host your stupid fucking funeral so all your deals could come and talk about how bothersome it is that they can no longer manipulate the economy with you and then I’d come right back here and post all about it because you are a horrible, selfish, narcissistic, abusive woman! And that is the kindest thing you will ever get from me.” His chest heaves, she straightens her shoulders out. 

“You are nothing like either of us, do you understand how hard we tried to make you ready for this world? How hard we worked to make sure you had access to everything possible? And here you are throwing a tantrum because your mother has requested one thing from you!” 

“How hard you- are you hearing yourself? You pumped me full of fucking drugs when I disobeyed you! Hooked me up to machines, forced me to watch and relive the same thing over and over and over again until I was compliant. You did the exact same thing to Regulus, and he almost died because of it! Or did you forget? Forget every awful thing you’ve ever done because you are a mother after all! It’s all in the name of love!” She bristles. 

“That was Tom Riddles and your fathers doing-”

“No Walburga, that was your doing, you never once tried to stop them.” His chest felt tight, everything in his office was tainted with her. “You have every bit of responsibility as them.” 

“You don’t know a single thing about that house.” She says her tone is dark enough to cut glass. 

“No, maybe I don’t. But you want to know what I do know? That come October, the world is going to be talking about nothing other than you.” He spits. She straightens herself out until she’s towering over him and breaks to the door. He doesn’t watch her leave.

Remus

Okay so finding a small blonde child in the middle of a - quite frankly far too big - building was turning out to be a lot harder than expected, he makes it back to the security desk and goes through the cameras himself and it still doesn’t make sense where Teddy could have gone. He goes up by floors, asking everyone he bumps into and when nothing comes about it his heart feels like it might burst from his chest from anxious dread. He calls the elevator, texting Lily frantically who tells him to find Sirius, tells him she’s on her way over with James and Marlene, and he panics and hits the top floor. 

“Where are you going, Lupin?” Bella sneers, jumping up the second he walks out, she has a pocket knife in her hand twirling it this way and that. 

“I need to see Mr Black.” Remus says absently and she steps in front of him. 

“Not without a meeting.” 

“What?” He laughs, that anxious bubble of dread flickering dangerously. She pushes him back. 

“Not without a meeting.” Whatever version of Bellatrix he was getting used to was completely gone, he debates shoving her back. 

“I need to see him-”

“Make a meeting!” Bellatrix screeches, he pushes past her, she grabs him and swings him back around. Narcissa stands up, hands over her mouth.

“Excuse you?” Remus sneers, snapping his arm back and shoving her hard. She points the knife at him. 

“No one is entering that room.”

“I really do not care about the technicalities right now.” Remus snaps, shoves her again, goes to move past her, and she swings her fist until it connects with his jaw. Right. It’s like he doesn’t realise where he is - who he is - when his fist connects right with her cheek, she stumbles as if startled he would fight back and Narcissa is desperately pushing a button on the desk. Bellatrix grabs him roughly, knife pressed to his throat, eyes ablaze when the office doors swing open. 

“Get your hands off my fiance .” Sirius snaps and Bellatrix lets go instantly, eyes wide, hair falling into her face as she bows her head. 

“Fiance?” Remus chokes, hand coming up to his throat. 

“Code word,” Narcissa offers from behind her hand. She’s quick to pull herself back together. “Code words, there’s so many of them, Black earlier, when we ducked out of the conference room. Uh. Needed a way to talk, listening ears.” She straightens out her dress. 

“Remus,” Sirius says softly. “What is it?”

“Teddy’s missing.” 

Sirius

Out of all the things he wanted to deal with right now, right after seeing his mother this was not one of them. 

“What?”

“Teddy’s missing.” Remus pleads, and Sirius moves forward instantly, hand curling over Remus’ shoulder, head snapping this way and that as if the kid would just show up. 

“How?”

“Poppy, Poppy brought him here, he got lost. I’ve been looking for thirty minutes.” Remus’ breathing was uneven, Sirius lets his hand slip from his shoulder down to his lower back rubbing his thumb in circles. 

“Narcissa pull up the cameras.”

“I’ve checked, he’s not on them.” Sirius bites into his lip, “Lily’s coming, and James and Marlene. I just… I can’t lose him too.” Right now was not the time to be pulling apart Remus’ story but godrick did he want to. 

“Bella cover the top floors, Cissa grab the others, checks the streets, Remus, where was he last?” He’s calling an elevator. 

“Who’s Teddy?” Bellatrix calls. 

“A five year old kid. Find him .” Sirius snaps, pushes Remus gently into the elevator and follows in after him. Remus hits the second floor. “Remus?” No response, “Remus.” He presses his hand into the mans lower back again, “ Remus .”

“Sorry?” 

“It’s going to be okay.” Remus looks up at him, eyes a little wide. 

“He just disappears from cameras.” Remus says, “doesn’t show up on any of them, securities already searching, I don’t understand, it’s not possible Sirius, I don’t understand .” Sirius' heart soars at the messy jumble of his name. 

“We’ll find him, he’s just… small.” The doors open and Remus all but runs, Sirius notices he doesn’t have his cane. 

Remus

His phone is ringing. His phone is ringing and Sirius has to point it out to him, has to grab his chin until he’s looking Sirius in the eyes and focusing on the moment instead of having to bury another body. 

“What?” He snaps down the line. 

“We’re here.” Lily says lightly from the other end. 

“Second floor.” He hangs up, starts pulling chairs from desks, searching every cubicle, every corner of the frankly too large room. How had he spent nine months here and not gone insane?

“Sirius! Mate, you okay?” James is there, then, voice bouncing off the walls, “I saw-”

“Not the time.” Sirius cuts him off, Lily’s hands are on his shoulders, pulling him back up from the ground, Marlene offers him a hug. She’s dressed in some kind of sports uniform. 

“He was here? You're sure?” Lily asks, Remus nods.

“At my desk.”

“Your desk being…?” Marlene asks and he points vaguely and Marlene jogs over to it. “Okay, split up then. Maybe he got in the elevator?” She calls the thing back up and Remus looks hopeful. 

“He likes those, and cars, god what if got onto the street-”

“Narcissa and Andy are out there now, she’d have called.” Sirius is by his side again, hand slipping back to his lower back and Remus can’t help it, he relaxes into the touch. 

“It’s too bright in here.” Lily says then, “he hates the light, look for cupboards.” She grabs James and runs down a corridor calling Teddy’s name, James follows suit, hands cupped around his mouth, Marlene climbs into the elevator phone raised to her ear. 

“Can you grab the others?” She says down the line. 

Sirius takes him to the stairs, climbing up them one by one, looking down over the railing, he starts to call Teddy’s name, Remus is so fucking tired. 

Sirius

Teddy wasn’t in the stairwell, he would have responded to either of them if he was, so the second the floor three door appears Sirius drags them through it, they end up in some random hallway.

“Remus you’re limping.” Sirius tries to get him to sit down on a loveseat. 

“Doesn’t matter.” Remus grits out, hand on the wall to help him down the hallway, “Teddy!” He calls, Sirius bites his lip. 

“You should sit, or where’s your cane? Let me go get-”

“Are you going to help?” Remus snaps, and Sirius straightens, starts pulling doors open, scanning the room's contents. “Teddy!” Remus calls again, Sirius sighs and starts calling the kid's name as well. 

He’s not on the third floor, and when they ride the elevator to the fourth they’re met with Marlene and two security guards. 

“No,” she shakes her head and joins them, leaving on the fifth floor as they ride up to the sixth floor. They exit in front of two doors, the cafeteria and the kitchen, Remus stumbles through the kitchen door, Sirius follows him, not trusting the man to be able to get around himself. He pulls open cabinets, doors, and looks under benches. Remus checks higher cupboards, the freezer room and walk in fridge, they swing past the door leading to the cafeteria. There’s hundreds of tables and chairs, the two walls encasing the room are made up of windows, the blinds still up, the setting sun dotting the city into a pretty haze. They start pulling chairs out checking under tables, calling Teddy’s name. 

“ Teddy!” Remus is running, knocking back tables and chairs as he does so and Sirius’ head shoots up watching for a second before he’s sprinting after him. “I’ve got you, oh my god I’ve got you. Teddy!” 

“Hi Remmy! Hi Siri.” Teddy waves up at them, and Remus drops out of eyesight.

“You can’t do that. Teddy! What is wrong with you? You can’t just- just disappear, why? Why .” Sirius rounds a corner, Remus is breathing heavy back lent up against the window, Teddy cradled carefully in his arms, face pressed to his collarbone, suddenly Remus’ is sobbing. Sirius slows his steps until he’s made it to Remus’ side. “You can’t just take off, you can’t just leave Pup. You can’t do that to - to me, I was so scared!” 

“Why?” Teddy tilts his head to look up at Remus, hand coming up to wipe at the man's tears. Sirius crouches down to Remus’ height and Remus hides his face in Sirius’ side. 

“You just can’t Pup.” Remus grumbles, Sirius slips down the wall, wrapping an arm around Remus who is now shaking and leaning into Sirius’ hold like he couldn’t keep himself up, Teddy tries to cup at his face again and Remus pushes his hands away. “Why would you do that? ” Remus snaps. 

“Remus-”Sirius tries. 

“Not. Now.” Remus grumbles. 

“I didn’t…” Teddy stops. “Remmy sad?” Teddy looks up to Sirius then. 

“Remus was just scared, Ted’s.” Sirius says softly, runs a hand through Teddy’s hair to try and soothe him, Remus lets out a gruntled sob. 

“Sorry Remmy. I’m so sorry… didn’t mean. Don’t be scared. I’m here!” Teddy ducks his head tries to look at Remus, but his eyes are squeezed shut, face twisted. Sirius carefully lifts his arms, cradling his fingers through Remus’ hair this time, not sure what he was meant to do. 

“I was… why Teddy why .” Teddy doesn’t seem to have an answer for him, instead curls up small in Remus’ arms. Remus grabs at him. “Don’t… never…” but it slowly fades out and when Sirius looks down Remus’ face is no longer contorted in anger, but rather peaceful. 

“Remus?” Sirius says, hand freezing in his hair, “Remus?” He shakes his shoulders but there’s no response. 

“Remmy okay?” Teddy asks, hands coming up to pat Remus’ cheek. 

“He’s tired, bud.” Sirius says then, “and in a lot of pain right now.” He pulls out his phone texting Lily quickly. 

“Hurt?” Teddy says eyes wide. Should he not have said that? Did Teddy not know?  

“Big emotions, they hurt sometimes.” Sirius says quickly. 

“Oh.” Teddy pats Remus’ head then. “They go away again.” Teddy says softly. Sirius feels a pang in his chest. 

“EDWARD LUPIN!” Lily’s voice screams across the room. Teddy sits up instantly, Sirius does as well, he had only ever heard that tone once . “ What on earth were you thinking!” She’s storming across the room, James and Marlene hot on her heels. Regulus is there as well holding Harry on his hip, and Barty and Dorcas. She comes to stand in front of the three of them and looks over the scene before she sighs, drops to her knees and opens her arms. Teddy darts forward. “You made us so worried .” Lily mutters against his hair. 

“I’m here!” Teddy says quietly, and looks over at the other adults. “I’m okay!” 

“We know that bud, but you can’t just walk off without someone, you know that.” James says kindly, crouching down so he can look Teddy in the face. 

“Why?” Teddy asks again, Sirius absently starts running his hands through Remus’ hair again. No one seems to have an answer for the kid and Teddy puffs out his cheeks in frustration.

“Because it’s dangerous Teddy,” Barty is the first to say it. “The world isn’t the best of places, yeah? You could get hurt and there’d be no one to help.” Teddy widens his eyes. 

“Not hurt! See!” He pulls away from Lily and then spins as if to prove a point. 

“But you could’ve been hurt,” Dorcas says, crouching down to his height as well. Marlene curls her hand around her shoulder, “what would you have done?” 

“I call Remmy!” 

“But Remus didn’t know where you were.” Marlene says then, “how would you have called Remus?” Teddy tilts his head then. 

“Oh.” 

“You see?” James asks. Teddy nods his head and looks back over to where Sirius is all but holding onto Remus.

“Oh god, Rem’s.” Lily mutters crawling over and settling in on his other side, linking their hands together. 

“Is he alright?” James asks then. Regulus puts Harry down on the ground who all but flies to Teddy’s side. 

“Tired, I think.” Sirius says looking down at the sleeping figure. “I don’t know where his cane is.” Lily bites her lip then. 

“Sodding idiot.” Lily squeezes Remus’ hand. 

“Is now the time to ask?” James looks a little alarmed. 

“She stopped in for a chat. It was nothing.” Sirius’ eyes dart to Regulus who sits next to James cross legged. 

“Who?” Dorcas asks, she settles down as well, pulling Marlene into her lap. “You need a shower.” 

“Right next time a toddler goes missing I’ll put it below hygiene.” Marlene rolls her eyes but kisses Dorcas on the cheek anyway, “when we’re home.” 

“Walburga.” Regulus sits straighter at the name. 

“She actually left her house?” He asks carefully. Sirius shuffles a little. 

“She wanted to skip this year's anniversary, in honour of Orion.” He checks his phone. 

Narcissa:

Okay! Great that you found him, we’re going to head home, I need to see Draco after all of this, and Tonks.

Sirius:

All good

“Bitch.” James spits. 

“Little ears!” Lily snaps, her eyes darting over to the two kids who were now being held by Barty who looked less than pleased. 

“Well take your little ears and keep them.” He drops Harry into James’ lap and then Teddy into Lily’s. “Not my kids.”

“Uncle Barty!” Harry humps, crossing his arms. 

“Not my kid, bother your parents.” Barty points at him. “What are we doing here? Do we wake him or?” Barty gestures to Remus. 

“I tried, he’s unwakeable.” Sirius mutters, he can feel every part of where they’re touching like it was lit on fire. 

“He gets fatigued easily.” Lily says, squeezes Remus’ hand again. “We’re better off just taking him home.” She gets up and dusts herself off before picking Teddy up and settling him on her hip. “And you’re not going anywhere .” She runs a finger down his nose. “I’ll take Remus’ car, James help Sirius get Remus downstairs and take mine.” She throws her car keys at him, “you lot can carpool with each other. Get Remus into Sirius’ car. We’ll all meet back up at Grimmauld?” She swings Teddy a bit when he tries wiggling out of her grasp. 

“We’re taking him back to mine?” Sirius asks, eyes a little wide. 

“Do you want to carry a 6’3 man up four flights of stairs?” She gives him a pointed look. Right, his house it was. “Where’s his cane?” 

Remus

Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. The bedsheets around him weren’t his own, he was too warm, his body was too sore… and something else, something else was wrong. What else? 

“Teddy!” Remus lurches upright, his head spinning at the sudden motion. He’s not aware as to where he is, or even how he ended up here. The room is grey, almost silver with the moon trickling in. The bed -not his bed- is made up of too many blankets and pillows, four posts and heavy velvet curtains. There’s a huge maroon rug on the ground, a desk in the corner covered in papers and files and a million different posters on the wall. He knew this room… how did he know this room? He pushes the blankets off the bed. Shuffles until he’s standing, his knee protests and he stumbles a bit, catching himself on a bookcase. There’s picture frames everywhere on it, books and trinkets and the makes. He catches sight of a picture of Sirius and Regulus bundled up in snow gear. He was in Sirius’ room. How the fuck did he get here? 

He swings the door open, sliding out of it just as Sirius is climbing the stairs back up. 

“Thought I heard something.” Sirius says stopping just in front of him.

“Teddy-”

“Is fine, and currently asleep on Lily, you’re not as fine though.” Sirius says it firmly and Remus looks over his shoulder. 

“I need to-”

“Go and grab your cane? Yes, excellent! Shall we?” Sirius links their arms together and guides Remus back into his bedroom, sitting him down on the bed and pulling his cane off the side table. “What is wrong with you?” Sirius snaps then, holding the thing just in front of Remus who grabs at it angrily, Sirius doesn’t let go. 

“Excuse me?”  

“You need this, need this to walk and you left it.” Sirius shoves the cane into Remus’ chest leaning in close until his words are a whisper against his face. “You refused to let me go back and get it, ran without it, and then promptly passed the fuck out, so answer me Remus, what is wrong with you?” 

“I was worried about Teddy.” Remus says then, softly, tugs at the cane until Sirius lets go. He leans back then runs a hand down his face. 

“No shit. I mean what is wrong with you.” Remus still doesn’t understand. “You use the cane, yes? Need it to get around some days, and some days you don’t. You’ve been holding on to that thing all week like it was your last saving grace. Haven’t skipped a day of using it, so what is it?” Was he paying that much attention to him? 

“I… uh have a joint condition?” Remus offers. 

“Which one? What one, what is wrong?” Sirius crouches then, so they’re the same height. Remus suddenly wants to curl up and go back to bed. 

“It’s, uh called, well was called um juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, it’s just. Joint inflammation, but it then developed into erosions?”

“Which means?” Sirius asks patiently. 

“That um. Well your body makes antibodies and white blood cells as stuff to fight off colds and bacteria and infections. It’s just a fancy word meaning my own body is eating away at the cartilage in my joints, got confused as to what was enemy and friend, until it’s bone against bone, and other stuff around it. I still have arthritis, which is like I said, inflammation of the joint. Fluid builds up, surrounds the joint and you can’t really bend it right?” Remus raises both his arms, pressing his hands flat against his shoulders, only his right one can’t bend all the way, “so as you can see my right elbow is inflamed.” Sirius goes to touch the joint, pasuses.

“Would it hurt if I touch it?” 

“No, actually, probably better if you do, okay.” Remus rolls his sleeve up, “feel how it’s all hot?” Sirius nods, fingers wrapping around Remus’ joint carefully, “okay and now feel here, how it’s puffy and kind of like a ball? That’s all the fluid. If left untreated that fluid bites away at the joint causing erosions, which I have in my knee. Some days, like you said, it’s manable with just medication. Some days I need my cane, some days I can’t… uh. Walk.” Sirius snaps his hand back. 

“At all?”

“I mean I probably could, it just hurts a lot more than it’s worth and I get all shaky. Like today, pass out from pain.” Remus pulls his sleeve back down, picks his cane up like a shield. 

“Your’s was left untreated?” Sirius asks then, this was going a lot deeper than he wanted it to. He sighs. 

“Yeah, um. My parents thought it was just because I was tall? Going through growth spurts all the time, your body is meant to hurt when you grow. So it wasn’t until I was 16 that I got diagnosed. It was actually a pretty severe case of it, hence all the pain growing up.” He wants to be anywhere but here, and it’s almost like Sirius senses that because he stands back up offering his hand to Remus. Remus takes it gently, places his cane down on the ground and pushes himself up. 

“We’re going to the bathroom, you’re going to wash your face, and then we’ll go downstairs.” Sirius all but commands and Remus lets him guide him through the hall, hand still in his. He sets him down on the bath’s lip and runs a towel under the tap handing it over before leaning against the sink and crossing his arms. “Right, what can I do to help?”

“Nothing,” Remus snorts, “ again unless you have a body lying around.” Sirius glares at him, “honestly, nothing.” 

“Do you need an extra chair to rest your knee on? We can move the conference room down to the first floor so you don’t have to stand around all day? Do you need more breaks, shorter hours-”

“Weren’t you just trying to extend my hours?” Remus says then, runs the towel down his face, the cold water soothing. 

“And I’ll just as quickly change it if that’s what you need.” Sirius says automatically. “Do you need someone to pick you up every morning? I can arrange a driver, is driving hard for? Do you need to work from home-”

“I’d go insane and rip the bloody joint from the socket.” Sirius almost looks upset. Remus sighs. “An extra chair would be helpful.” Remus says then and Sirius pulls his phone out. 

“Done.” He stuffs it back into his back pocket, Remus just stares up at him. “Anything else?” Sirius asks. 

“Si- Mr. Black-”

“Not at work.” Sirius cuts him off quickly. 

“ Sirius .” Remus says then. “There is nothing you can offer me.” Sirius rolls his head back. 

“Marlene and Dorcas are downstairs. So is Reg and James. Barty’s gone home, so don’t freak out. We’ve ordered pizza, and yes Teddy’s eaten, wouldn’t touch his crusts.” Remus smiles, actually properly smiles and it’s like a weight is lifted from his shoulders. 

“Can I go see him now? Or are you not done worrying?” 

“I wouldn’t have to worry if you didn’t push yourself.” Sirius snaps, takes the towel from his hands and throws it in a basket. He offers his hand again and Remus takes it. 

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I’ll hold onto this.” He gestures with his cane. Sirius smiles softly. 

Sirius

Bone erosion is the breakdown of bone that occurs from excess inflammation in your joints. This is a common symptom of rheumatoid arthritis. Can rheumatoid arthritis cause bone loss? Bone loss (bone erosion) affects about 60% of people with rheumatoid arthritis within one year of diagnosis

Sirius clicks his phone off when the kettle finishes boiling on the stove top. He pours the hot water into mugs carefully, mixing in sugar and milk as he goes along and sets them on a tray. Right,  Remus’ bones weren’t great, that would explain a lot. But instead of reading about it making things clearer it made things more complicated. What stage of all this was Remus up to? How bad were his joints? Was there a solution, why was it happening? He picks the tray up, steals some of the dark chocolate from the pantry and heads towards the lounge room. He passes the drinks out casually, slips a mug into Remus’ hand and drops the bar of chocolate onto his lap. Lily was asleep lying across the couch, Teddy lay on top of her chest, hands curled up and fast asleep, Lily’s hand cupped to the back of his head. Marlene and Dorcas were practically on top of each other in an armchair, Marlene having showered and stolen one of Jame’s flannels, tucked under a blanket. James is laid on the floor, his head in Regulus’ lap, Reg’s hands through his hair, Harry laid across his chest. There’s a movie on, the fires roaring. He should be at peace, instead he’s worried over things he can’t change. Remus shuffles a little gesturing to the space left on the love seat. Sirius sits. Pulls a blanket with him, sips his drink and then he’s back on his phone. 

“I hate this part.” Marlene mutters, Sirius glances up at the TV. They were watching the grinch. 

“It hasn’t even been Halloween.” Sirius protests and she mimes a shush motion with her hand, he rolls his eyes and looks back down to his phone. Remus hasn’t eaten, the plate of pizza sitting untouched on the side table. Was that another side effect? He starts to put the question into the search bar-

“Banned.” Remus mutters, snatching the device from his hands. 

“I didn’t do anything.” Sirius protests. 

“Banned!” Remus chucks the phone onto the table in front of them. “No researching me like some science project.” Reg looks up at him then. 

“I want to-”

“ Banned .” There’s a hint of a smile on Remus’ face as he pulls the mug of coffee up to take a sip. Later then. 

“Eat.” Sirius points at the plate, Remus takes a bite of the chocolate he had given him instead of the pizza. Close enough. 

Chapter Text

Remus

Remus is again, not aware as to where he is when he starts to wake. He’s faintly aware of laughter and the hum of some TV show. He stretches, face pressed up against a pillow, his arm above his head. 

“Oh shit he’s waking,” that’s Lily’s voice, Remus opens an eye and stares up at her. “Morning Rem.” She’s smiling over a cup of coffee, her legs crossed on the couch, dressed in a white shirt and nothing else. Sirius is settled next to her, pose mimicked, he smiles down at Remus. 

“Good morning!” Sirius says brightly, Remus huffs, drags his hand down his face and pulls at the blanket. 

“What time is it?” Remus grumbles. 

“7.” Lily says chipperly. 

“What the fuck .” Remus opens both his eyes then to stare at the pair of them. “It’s a Saturday you heathens .”

“Emily in paris is on,” Sirius pouts, gestures to the television, Remus stares at it for a long moment trying to figure out what was happening. 

“It’s Saturday.” He mumbles, stretches his back out and shuffles so he’s facing them. “Where’s Teds?” He faintly remembers James saying it was too late to drive home, faintly remembers agreeing to stay the night. 

“Asleep with Harry upstairs.” Lily waves her hand through the air, “oh god they’re not going to kiss are they?” She almost sounded generally offended. 

“YES!” Sirius pumps a fist in the air, “oh, the others are coming round as well.” Sirius says then, looking back over to Remus. “Mary’s already here, she got in some time after you fell asleep, but she’s in bed.” He waves down the hall and Remus tries to make that make sense. 

“Right.” He swings himself up right, groaning when his knee click, click, clicks in and out of place. He settles his hands on either side of the couch. He was missing his shoes and socks, his jumper and tie, he runs a hand through his hair. “Bathroom?” He asks, not wanting to have to climb back up the stairs. 

“Down the hall to the left,” Lily waves, “ew!” Remus looks up and watches as two people kiss on screen, he rolls his eyes, pulls himself up and uses the side table to walk. 

“ Cane. ” Sirius warns him, picking the thing off the table and passing it over. Remus huffs but takes it anyway shuffling down the hall. 

He’s faintly aware of Marlene’s giggles as he reaches the end of the hallway, Dorcas is shushing her, and Remus’ hand falls from the doorknob instead opening a different door. It’s another bedroom, blinds pulled wide open, an overnight bag on the ground and open, clothes spilling across the floor,  Mary’s asleep in the bed. Brown curls fanning across the atrocious number of pillows, he slips it shut, opens another door and is finally met with a bathroom. He locks the door behind him, cups his hands over the bathroom sink and just stares at his reflection. His hair is a mess, his body is sore, and he realises that he doesn’t have anything to change into, or access to his meds. And that he had just spent the night at his bosses house. 

Only it wasn’t his boss's house was it? 

It was more like a central hub to everyone, flowing in and out as they pleased. He was in Sirius’ home, Sirius not Mr. Black, as he so frequently reminded him. He frowns. This was normal for these people, Lily and Sirius were trying to make it normal for him as well. He grabs the bottle of mouthwash that’s sitting on the side of the sink, swirls it around his mouth and spits. Right. He can keep pretending all of this was normal and not freaking him out internally. 

When he's back in the lounge room he kind of just stands there, trying to get his surroundings in place. 

“Lil’s.” He says, she looks over her shoulder to him, “do you have my meds?” She always carried a spare bottle with her, ever since they were kids. A habit she had picked up on when she realised Remus never had spare. 

“In my bag.” She gestures vaguely to the kitchen and he makes his way to the counter. There’s three different phones plugged in to charge in the outlet, one of which he realises is his own. He slides it into his pocket. His bag is laid next to Lily’s floral one, there’s another bag as well, black and leather, contents spilling across the counter, sport uniform and empty powerade bottles. Marlene’s then . He digs through Lily’s bag until his hand comes to the pill bottle, carefully he shakes a few into his hand and swallows them dry, digs in his own bag until he finds his lighter and smokes and heads to the balcony. 

When he’s sat down, and massaging his joint he realises how weird this all was. 

The door slides open. 

“Coffee.” Sirius says handing out a mug, there’s little stars all over it, it looked handmade. Remus takes it grateful and downs half of it. 

“My body is aching .” Remus admits when Sirius is settled next to him, pulling his own smokes from his pocket. He flicks his lighter on, takes a drag and then leans forward to light Remus’ for him. Remus allows him. 

“Anything I can do to help?” Sirius asks carefully. Remus shakes his head. 

“Again not unless-”

“Remus the morgue was a shitty joke Reg made, sorry to disappoint.” Remus snorts then. 

“Well that sucks.” Remus blows the smoke out, watches it curl up in the wind. It’s a grey morning, clouds up above, the world barely awake. He lets his neck crack as he pulls his head to the side. 

“Is that a side effect?” Sirius asks, takes a sip from his own mug. 

“What?”

“The cracking, your bodies always doing it.” Sirius says then, watching him. Remus shrugs. “Maybe?” He never really thought about it, it was just something that happened. “Sirius,” Remus says then carefully, Sirius’ eyes widened. “Are we… Are we friends?” He had to ask, had to. It’s been racing around his head like a storm for the last week. 

“What?” Sirius laughs. “I rather thought we were, did you have other plans?” Remus smiles then. This was rather easy, why was he so scared of it his whole life?

Sirius

It’s around 8 when there’s noise throughout the household. Dorcas had made her way to the kitchen, pulling out mugs, Marlene following after her, her flannel buttoned unevenly, her hair properly tousled, there’s a red mark on her neck, faint impressions of teeth. Regulus slinks down the stairs, Harry on his hip, Teddy trailing after him, a spiderman stuffed toy in his hands, no doubt James’. James is nowhere to be seen, and when Regulus breaks directly to the kitchen pulling his own set of mugs down, the lack of James makes sense. 

“Morning lovebirds.” He calls. His statement is met with Marlene’s middle finger as she plops down on the couch next to Remus, her head slotting against his shoulder casually, mug cradled to her chest. 

“Remmy!” Teddy squeals, running across the room and up into Remus lap. “Look! Look what Jamie had!” Teddy thrusts the toy upwards and into Remus' face. 

“Wow,” Remus says, staring at the bright red thing. 

“He let me borrow! Mr Wolfs at home.” Teddy hugs the toy to his chest, snuggles closer to Remus. 

“Well isn’t that kind of him, hope you said thank you.” Remus runs a hand through his hair. He was dressed in one of Harry’s jerseys, Harpies embroidered in red on the front of it. Remus runs his hand down the shirt in question. 

“Harrys!” Teddy beams up at him and as if summoning him Harry comes running through the lounge room and climbs up into Marlene’s lap pulling at Remus’ hands. 

“Thank you for staying Uncle Rem-us!” Harry says happily, as if the concept of it being 8 in the morning meant nothing to the boy. Remus only smiles and leans his head so it’s on top of Marlene’s eyes closing. 

“I’m going to go wake the beast, wish me luck.” Regulus calls from the stairs two mugs in his hands. Lily snorts next to him on the couch. 

“I do not miss that- oh hello baby.” She says when Mary walks out from the hallway then. Mary humps, curls up on the couch and promptly closes her eyes again, curling into Lily’s side. 

“You’re all freaks. It’s 8 in the morning.” She mutters. 

“I said the same.” Remus calls then. 

“Lupin, I love you.” Mary grumbles, pulls at Lily until they’re wrapped up together. Something flickers in Sirius’ chest. 

“The markets are on today,” Dorcas says casually, coming to sit in the arm chair, she has her phone open in one hand, a mug of tea cradled in the other. Lily and Marlene perk up.

“Can we go?” They both speak at once. Lily laughs then. “Well the others are coming over, seems a waste to stay bundled up in here all day.” 

“Hey!” Sirius grumbles, but his eyes catch on Remus’ cane and he frowns. “Maybe-”

“We should go.” Remus says then, eyes matching Sirius’ as if in challenge. “Teddy, do you want to go?” He looks down at the boy. 

“What’s markets?” He looks up at Remus, hugs the spiderman toy closer. 

“Like a big shop, with all different kinds of things.”

“Spider man?” Remus runs a hand through his hair. 

“Maybe Pup.” Teddy swings his legs back and forth. 

“Okay, well meds and breakfast then.” Dorcas says pointing to Sirius. “And I know you’ve forgotten yours already.”

“I’ve only been up for two hours.” Sirius grumbles, but he stands, stretches his back out and makes for the stairs. 

Remus

James walks downstairs shirtless. Dressed in what Remus assumes is the other half of Marlene’s flannel pyjamas, arms stretched above his head and hair tousled, eyes barely open. He all but drops into the couch where Sirius was a second ago and Remus has to tear his eyes away. 

“Meds?” Dorcas asks not lifting her eyes up from her phone and James frowns at her. 

“ Meds?” He mocks, but he jumps back up and heads to the kitchen pulling out a pill bottle. Teddy goes running after him.

“Thank you Jamie!” Teddy beams up at him, but it comes out as fanks. 

“What?” James says, a little surprised. 

“Spidey!” Teddy holds it up so James can look at it and James smiles.

“Your welcome bud,” James pats his head and pours another cup of coffee out. 

“And breakfast!” Dorcas says when James is about to leave the kitchen, he grumbles, grabs a banana and settles back on the couch, Regulus settling next to him. “What do you two want?” Dorcas says then gesturing to Harry and Teddy. 

“Porridge!” Teddy says happily, dashing over to Dorcas like she could magic a bowl into existence, she smiles down at him. 

“Don’t like porridge.” Harry pouts. 

“You can have whatever you like darling.” Lily says then. She’s gathering herself off the couch to scoop up her son and wanders into the kitchen, Dorcas follows after her. 

“I don’t know if we actually have porridge.” Dorcas is muttering to herself and Remus feels that bubble of panic serge in his chest as Teddy’s face falls. 

“We do.” Sirius - now dressed in a black denim playsuit thing, his hair pulled up into a kind of knot, strands dancing in front of his face, fingers dotted in silver rings - says. He leans into the pantry, pulls a bag out and drops it on the counter. “Pandora.” He says when both girls look at him. 

“Well look at that, Ted’s!” Lily says, but she’s still looking at Sirius. 

“Remus you can use the shower if you want,” he says then, “everyone else has already.” Remus stills. “James, that's not all you're eating is it?” 

“I’m not that hungry.” James mutters, Regulus runs a hand through his hair. 

“I can make french toast,” Sirius says then, almost like a plea. James huffs and moves to the kitchen to jump up on the counter. 

“Alright.” Remus gets up and heads back down to the bathroom, this was all too domestic.

Sirius

He’s halfway through the first batch when the front door swings open.

“Ah there’s the other two.” Barty says, shuffling to get his shoes off and drop his coat on the rack, Evan files in behind him, plastic bags in hand, Pete and Pandora following in after. 

“Uncle Barty!” Harry kicks his feet and Lily sets him down, still stirring the pot of oats on the counter. Harry clings at him until Barty picks him up and then promptly drops him in Evan’s arms. 

“Loony!” Teddy says happily, running up to the small girl. She’s in a pair of floral overalls and a pastel yellow jumper, she grabs at Teddy’s hand and he lets her. Sirius drops the toast onto a plate handing it off to James. 

“French toast!” Peter says then and Sirius snorts. 

“Plenty to go around.” Sirius drops the other slice on a plate that’s quickly taken by Pete. 

“We’re going to the markets.” Marlene smiles at the group, “take the little ones out, get a walk in.” Evan drops the bags onto the counter, “chocolate?” Marlene digs through the bag until she has a bar in her hands breaking pieces off and dipping it into her coffee, Dorcas rolls her eyes, stealing a piece. Barty digs through the bag then, pulling out pouches of juice with superheroes on them. 

“Luna got to pick her one, sorry.” He says handing off an iron man juice pouch to Luna. He offers the other two to Harry and Teddy, Harry grabbing onto thor. Teddy carefully takes the hulk one. 

“Thank you Barty!” Teddy says and sits down next to the other two kids. 

“Where’s Reg?” Pandora asks then, Mary had settled up on the counter next to where Lily’s cooking. 

“Upstairs?” She offers, and Pandora takes them two at a time. 

“So markets.” Evan says, pulling more things from the bag and stuffing them into the fridge. “With three extremely energetic kids, sounds ideal.” He stuffs the bags into the bin and pulls the kettle from the stove. Sirius passes him a mug. 

“Well you can blame that one,” Sirius nods towards Dorcas, dropping another piece of toast on a plate and passing it out behind him, someone takes it. 

“Thanks Dorcas.” Evan chimes, settling next to her. 

“I merely mentioned it. The other two all but jumped at the idea.” Regulus comes down the stairs then, followed by Pandora, a handful of clothes in his arms.

“James, I stole your jeans.” Regulus says turning and heading down the corridor. 

“What? Why?” James' head shoots  up. 

“Remus!” Pandora knock, knock, knocks on a door. 

“Teddy needs to get dressed as well.” Lily points to James then, and James drops his plate in the sink and heads upstairs. “ And Harry!” Lily calls. 

“Yeah yeah.” Lily pulls out bowls, pouring the porridge into them and dropping the pot into the sink when she’s done. Sirius plates more french toast, the slices taken almost instantly. 

“Where’s the honey?” Lily asks, digging through the pantry, Sirius leans over her to grab it and Lily drizzles some into a bowl. She picks up two of them and passes them to Luna and Teddy before stealing a plate and cutting up the toast to give to Harry. There’s another bowl set on the counter, Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Remus,” she says, “only with honey though- Teddy blow it’s hot.” She warns when Teddy huffs as the oats hit his tongue. He finds out Remus likes honey in his porridge, that Teddy despises it. He adds this to the list as well. 

Remus

Regulus is kind enough to give him one of his sweaters, and a pair of James’ jeans, informing him that there was an assortment of coats Remus could steal from later. The jumper in question is a black almost turtle neck thing, and the jeans, though a little tight, are a faded grey. Remus pulls them both on, shakes his hair out until it’s only damp and not dripping and sits on the edge of the bath just breathing. He can hear everyone chatting loudly in the kitchen, can hear Marlene’s laughter and the sound of music. Someone must have turned on the stereo. 

He clenches his hands in his lap and just waits for his heart rate to slow a bit, just a small bit before he can face the others. There were more people now, more faces he barely knew, who wanted to know him, he was in a house that was unfamiliar, in clothes that weren’t his, and it was a common thing for them, so he was determined to make it a common thing for himself. 

He grabs his cane. 

“Hell-o.” Barty is the first to greet him, and Remus smiles politely. 

“Remus!” Pandora smiles. 

“Hey,” Lily’s there then, handing him a bowl of honey porridge and he takes it from her grateful for the distraction, he pushes himself over to the love seat settling down. 

“James is getting the boys dressed, I should probably get this one dressed as well.” Lily says, picking up Mary’s hands. “Drink some water Remus,” she points at him determinedly and then drags Mary down the hall. Remus takes a bite of the porridge. 

“Okay, everyone’s eaten right?” Sirius is holding a plate of french toast and there’s a round of thumbs up. Sirius turns the stove off, shoves the dishes into the dishwasher and then walks through the kitchen to come and drop on the loveseat next to Remus, placing a glass of water next to him. 

“I take it this is a common occurrence.” Remus says, digging at the porridge.

“Hm?” Sirius breaks off a piece of the toast drenched in maple syrup. 

“Everyone just showing up? Do they all have keys? Is this not actually your house?” Sirius laughs then, picks up his mug of coffee. 

“Yes this is my actual house, well mine and Regulus’ really. When I, uh, ran away I ran straight to James’, and so did Regulus and Euphemia and Fleamonts house became like this central hub for all of us. They actually wanted a big family so it worked out, I don’t think there was a single night where someone wasn’t crashing in a spare room or on the couch. When we were adults and we moved, to go to uni or apprenticeships, it was kind of sad almost? So my house became the same thing,” he breaks off more toast, “and yeah they have keys. I’ll come home after work and find Marlene in my bed, or Barty stealing food.” Remus takes a sip of the water. “My house is right in the centre of everyone’s work so if they crash here a few times a week it’s not that big of a deal.”

“That’s cause your bed is bloody comfy .” Marlene calls, “love that thing.” 

“I literally just replaced the food Barty stole,” Evan protests. 

“Couldn’t imagine that.” Remus says then, takes another sip of the water. 

Sirius

“Teddy hold onto someone.” Remus calls ahead of him when Teddy begins to run up to random stalls. “Not just Luna.” Remus sighs when he grabs Luna’s hand. Teddy grips onto the buckle of Barty’s pants. 

“Not my kid!” Barty says, but he places a hand on Teddy’s shoulder anyway, scooping Luna up on his hip. 

“That’s new.” Remus says then, watching the three of them wander off. 

“What is?”

“He doesn’t like strangers, touch is this big thing for him.” Sirius looks at him then, Remus looked godly in all black. “Are you all sure Barty doesn’t have kids? He seems awfully great with them.” Marlene’s up on Dorcas’ shoulders, James and her throwing a ball back and forth as they walk through the crowd. 

“If Barty was hiding children from us Pandora would’ve found them by now.” Sirius says absently. 

“You okay?” Remus ducks his head until Sirius meets his eyes. 

“You sure you’re okay with all this walking?” The market had taken up an entire park, there’s people and smells and sounds everywhere, endless amounts of stalls filling around them. 

“Sirius,” Remus sighs, “I didn’t tell you about my condition for you to dot on me like a hen.” Remus bumps their shoulders, “I’m fine, we’re going slow, I’m not being dragged around like Peter-” Sirius looks over then, spots Peter’s hands caught between Mary’s and Lily’s as they run between stalls, “-It’s fine. If I need a break I’ll take one.” Remus takes a careful step forward, “yesterday was a fluke, won’t happen again.” 

“But it happened.” Sirius points out, fidgets with his rings. 

“Okay, and you’re anxious 90% of the time, but I’m not coddling you. Respect goes both ways.” Sirius lets go of his rings, head shooting down, “Siri- it’s fine ,” Remus stops them, hand hooked around Sirius’ elbow. “Look, I know your natural instinct is to worry. But you don’t have to, I know more about this condition than you will ever be able to learn from google. Okay? I know my limits, I know my strengths, I know how to cope, and I’m fine.” Remus is staring at him intently, head ducked a little so it gave off the impression that they were the same height. Remus’ hand slides from his elbow to interlock their fingers, running patterns into the back of his hand. “I will let you know the second that changes, okay?” 

“‘kay,” Sirius says then, easing a breath out carefully. This was fine, Remus was right, and the crowd- with Remus’ hand still in his own the crowd was bearable. Remus starts walking again, a small tug of his hand lets him know that Remus isn’t going to let go, Sirius takes a quick step so that he’s not being dragged behind, Remus’ thumb is still pressing patterns into his hand. 

“I have to ask.” Remus says then, absently browsing a stall. “What the fuck are your pronouns?” Sirius snorts. 

“What?”

“Everyone calls you Sirius, and he, but then some people use they, and them, and I don’t know if it’s like… an accident? I don’t want to be misgendering you, and your jacket has that patch- the nonbinary one? Should I not be calling you Mr?” Remus isn’t looking at him, but Sirius can feel his heartbeat quicken, a warm feeling taking room in his chest. 

“I would honestly prefer you to stop calling me Mr. Black all together, just use my name. Sounds nicer when you say it anyway-” Remus’ head snaps towards him, “-I’m nonbinary, yes, They/He. I thought that was obvious?” Sirius peers up at him and Remus bites into his lip carefully thinking. “I really don’t care though? Call me she, he, it, whatever. Not fussed.” Sirius shrugs, “just hate fancy titles. Mr, Mistress, Ma’am, sir.” 

“Right. Glad that’s cleared up, was giving me a headache.” Remus says, tugs Sirius forward softly so they can move to the next stall. 

“And you?” Sirius asks, squeezing his hand, it’s like it’s only then that Remus realises they were still linked together, his eyes shooting to their hands. 

“Me?” Sirius gets the awful sensation that he’s going to pull away.

“Pronouns?” Remus looks at him then.

“He.” Remus runs his thumb across the back of Sirius’ hand and it’s so delicate. “He and Him. Nothing special.” Remus breathes out half a laugh and then his eyes are trained back to the stalls in front of him.

Remus

What the fuck was he doing?

Why the fuck did he grab - okay he knows why he grabbed Sirius’ hand. He doesn’t know why he hasn't let go yet. Watching Sirius’ face crumble, their eyes searching through the crowds, he understood they were anxious. Since Regulus had told him about Sirius' panic attack, he had been looking for signs as to why because Sirius didn’t seem to have an anxious bone in his body. But the more he looked the more he understood. He hated crowds of strangers, he could deal with business meetings and interviews and a house hold of friends drinking and yelling and laughing and loud fucking music, but put him in a park crowded with strangers? That was his breaking point, Remus was the complete opposite, none of these people knew them, knew who they were or cared to know them. He was invisible. Sirius must feel like he’s the opposite of that, all eyes on him. His hands shook, when he thought no one was looking, and when someone was looking his fingers would fiddle with the rings decorating them. He hated people touching, prodding, cooing at him, he had noticed that during the photoshoot. So he tried his best to ease him. Had stepped into his buble until Sirius had looked at him, face easing away from distress and into something softer, grounding - offered him coffee, dragged his hand across his face under disguise of fixing his hair, a familiar touch, something that wasn’t three strangers. He had noticed, as well, that Sirius’ lip was always busted, broken open and raw, nails dugged at and ripped even when there’s an insane amount of nail polish on them. He tried to notice the signs, like he did with Teddy, because it’s easier to calm Teddy down when he could pick up on whatever mood he was in. And so he had grabbed Sirius’ hands to stop the shake, to ground him, like he did with Teddy, or Lily, he had tried, and they had stopped shaking and Sirius seemed to no longer care for the crowds so what the fuck was he doing still holding on? 

“Oh that’s so cool.” Sirius beelines for a stall and Remus stumbles after him. 

“Slow down ,” Remus grumbles, his knee clicking and Sirius’ feet dig into the soft ground spinning quickly. 

“Sorry-”

“Don’t. Just slow down, yeah?” He offers a smile, Sirius nods their head, lip caught between his teeth and Remus wasn’t sure how he was supposed to soothe that anxious tell. How to stop them from digging literally chunks of flesh from their skin, Remus swipes his thumb across Sirius’ hand again. “What’s cool?” He asks softly, Sirius turns back around softly tugging and Remus follows. The item - as it turns out - is a pair of black fingerless gloves, hand made, embroidered with a million different stars and constellations in silver thread. Sirius picks them up carefully, turning them around and tracing the patterns, he drops Remus’ hand to try them on - and no he didn’t want to immediately grab their hand back, thank you very much - and shows them off to Remus. “Suits you?” Remus offers when Sirius keeps staring at him like he’s waiting for something. 

“I love them,” they’re digging through the pocket of the playsuit pulling out a black star pouch and digging through the assortment of coins in there. “Oh look!” He picks up another pair of gloves - warm brown in colour, still fingerless, a cream coloured threaded moon embroidered into the front of them, little stars on the cuffs - “try them.” They shove the gloves into Remus’ hands who frowns slightly, but nonetheless pulls them on. “Looks perfect moons,” they’re smiling and then suddenly they look away with a flush on their face. Remus frowns, that’s the second time now. Moons. “Just these two-”

“Siriu-”

“Please,” he smiles at the girl behind the stall and hands over a fistful of coins, slotting the pouch back into his pocket - and then as surprising as everything already was - picks Remus’ hand back up and starts to move to the next stall. Remus lets them. 

“Thank you.” He says, not sure if Sirius has heard him or not. 

Sirius

He has to let go of Remus when Teddy comes running up to him, Barty hot on his heel and Luna up on his shoulders. He doesn’t want to let go, but he does, watching as Remus hugs the small kid close. Lily finds them as well, Harry on her hip, Mary linked through her other arm. 

“Hey,” she smiles politely. “Haven’t seen you guys in a bit. Peter ran away as soon as he could,” she pouts at them and Sirius laughs. 

“Sounds like him.” Sirius offers. Barty swings Luna down from his shoulders. 

“Look!” She squeals, pressing her and Teddy’s face together staring up at Remus. He can see faint colours on their cheeks. 

“Sorry, should have asked.” Barty amends when Remus still stares down at the pair. 

“Did you have fun?” Remus asks, Teddy nods and nods and nods. “All that matters, thanks Barty.” The smile Remus gives him is genuine. 

“Sirius!” James calls, jogging over much to Regulus protests. “They have a whole section of old records, come help me find something of taste.” James slots his hand into Sirius and without much protest they walk off. Regulus huffs. 

“I’ll just stand around then!” James is polite enough to send a kiss back at him. 

“Where have you been?” James asks, “we’ve been looking for you for ages.” Sirius shrugs. 

“Remus can’t walk fast, we’re still only like ten stalls in.” James' head whips back. 

“Oh fuck I completely forgot- Goddrick we must seem like assholes, lets go-”

“It’s fine James,” Sirius laughs, “we had a good time, Lily and Reg are there now, sure they’ll keep up with him.” James looks unconvinced but keeps walking. They stumble upon stalls and stalls of milk crates slotted with records from the ages. Sirius smiles brightly and starts digging through them. 

“First to find The Smiths win.” 

“You’re on .”

Remus

Lily links their arms, Teddy and Harry trailing after them as they slowly browse the stalls. 

“You doing okay?”

“Hm?”

“Well I know you’ve been in pain recently, a lot more than you let on. So are you okay? Want to sit down? Eat?” Lily looks up at him and Remus rolls his eyes. 

“I’m-”

“Hungry!” Teddy pops up next to him, and his smile softens. 

“Let’s go find food then, pup.” Lily lets him go in favour of grabbing her son’s hand, and Teddy’s small hand easily curls up in his own. 

When they’re settled on a park bench, a little away from the stalls, Remus finally, finally lets his sigh slip and his knee stretch out, ignoring the tug of pain sitting just below the joint. Lily gives him a pointed look. 

“So I lied, sue me.” He shrugs, picks up one of the chips they were sharing and takes a bite. “I slept on a couch last night, obviously I’m going to be in pain.”

“Do you want to go home?” Lily asks and Teddy looks up at him with big bright eyes. 

“Nah.” He runs a hand through Teddy’s hair, eyes tracing the badger painted on his cheek, Luna had an Eagle on her own, Harry dotted with a lion. “Might just sit over here for a bit.” Teddy takes a bite of the plain sandwich he had insisted on, Harry had a treacle tart in his own hands. Lily hums and takes a sip of lemonade. She had brown paper bags by her feet. 

“Those are new,” She nods towards the pair of gloves Remus had taken off to make sure they didn’t get dirty. Remus stares at them.

“Sirius’ doing.” Remus admits, picks up another chip. 

“He bought them?” Lily raises an eyebrow. 

“He bought us matching pairs.” Remus admits, stealing the drink from her hand and taking a sip himself. 

“Cute.” He shoots her a look and she rolls her eyes, “oh! Here.” She digs through the bags pulling out a little box. “Made me think of you.” Remus takes the gift and stares at it for longer than he should before pulling it open. He stares down at the metallic moon pin, tracing his fingers over it carefully. “You like it?” Lily ducks her head, red hair framing her face carefully, Remus nods, not sure why he was so fucking emotional all of a sudden. Perfect moons. 

“Thank you.” Remus says, tugging his bag around until he can pin it to the front flap. “Means… a lot.” Lily squeezes his knee, the one not in agony. 

“Okay you two, you have to finish at least half of your lunch.” She ducks down to talk to the kids, sat crossed legged on the grass, food abandoned and instead eagerly talking to one another. They protest for only a second before they’re eating again, Remus smiles. 

Sirius

They don’t manage to find a Smiths album. But they do find a handful of Queen, Guns and Roses, The police and a few Aerosmith ones. Sirius had also found a David Bowie one - The rise and fall of Ziggy Stardust - and it had made them think of Remus instantly, so he bought it as well. 

“Reg says he’s with Pete by some kind of flower stall?” James looks around them, the winding maze of stalls and people consuming their vision. 

“Helpful.”

“Look for the giant rainbow flag.” 

“Again helpful.” Sirius says pointing out more than the fair share of flags. 

“Well that’s all the information Reggie has given me, so I don’t… EVAN!” James cups his hands around his mouth, Evan’s head shoots up and he waves, making his way over with Barty and Luna. 

“Hey.” 

“Have you seen Reg, or like literally anyone else?” James asks, holding onto Luna’s hand when she reaches down for him. 

“Nope. Told you all this was a bad idea, who knows how much Marlene has spent already, or Mary. She was already carrying four bags the last time I saw her.” Evan shoves his hands into his pockets pulling out his phone. “And you can’t hear for shit when you try calling one of them.” 

“Sounds ideal.” Sirius says, pulling out his own phone. 

“Little ears,” Luna huffs on top of Barty’s shoulders and Evan gives her an apologetic look. “Lucky Aunty Lily’s not here.” Sirius snorts. 

Little red riding hood:

Remus is taking a break

The brightest star:

He okay???

Little red riding hood:

fine just sore

“Guess we just keep wandering?” Sirius suggests, hand clasped firmly around the handles of his bags, slipping his phone away. 

“Maybe, or maybe this is goodbye and we’ll never see each other again. One can only hope.” Barty says and Luna pouts. 

“Uncle Barty, be nice .” She says, abandoning James' hand in favor of placing them on top of Barty’s head. 

“Never!” And then he’s ducking away quickly, Luna laughing freely. 

Remus

The more he sits here watching people filter about, the less strength he has to get back up. His knee is throbbing, his head is slightly spinning and honestly? He was tired. But Teddy was enjoying himself, clinging to Barty, or Lily, or Harry and Luna, like his life depended on it and that was more than enough to sit through this pain. So he does, doesn’t get up when Lily ushers the two boys back into the crowd, doesn’t bother moving when he spots James and Regulus slip by and wave at him - he waves back, he’s not an ass - but he doesn’t get up. Nor when Teddy runs back up to him, a small crocheted Spiderman in his hands Lily standing at the edge of the crowd. He just sits, absently scrolling on his phone, gloves clinging to his wrists and rests his back against the tree that the bench wrapped around. 

That is until Sirius finds him, of course. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Hello to you too.” Remus says absently, lifting his head to stare up at him. Sirius has a collection of bags, just like Lily’s, his face is bright and happy and he stares down at Remus with a questioning look. 

“What are you out here for?” Sirius crouches down then, staring up at Remus instead, bags pooling between his legs. “You okay?”

“You’re so worried,” Remus snorts but switches off his phone and slips it into his back pocket. “Can’t walk at the moment. Not worth it.” Remus admits with a shrug. Sirius stares at the cane and then back to Remus’ face. 

“I’ll sit with you then.” Sirius goes to stand but Remus bats him away.

“ Go, run around, enjoy the market, have fun with your friends.” Remus looks out to the crowd, looking for someone they knew. He can’t make out anything but the face of strangers. 

“You’re my friend, you’re at the market, I’m having fun.” Sirius again goes to stand and sit next to him but Remus bats him away. 

“I don’t want pity-”

“Oh get over yourself Lupin,” Sirius laughs then. “Is it that hard to believe I just like spending time with you?” His breath hitches, and Remus can’t look at him anymore. “Oh godrick, it is, isn’t it?” Sirius crouches down in front of him again. 

“Fuck off.” They’re silent for a moment. 

“You haven’t even looked at all the stalls yet.” Sirius tilts his head until it’s in the direct line of sight of Remus’ eyes. He heaves a sigh. 

“Can’t walk.” He says pointedly. 

“I’ll carry you, come on.” Sirius stands then, gathers all his bags in one hand, grabs Remus’ cane with the same one and waits. Remus snorts. “I’m being dead serious.” Sirius says, with a wink and then Remus is actually laughing. 

“How often do you use that joke?” Remus asks, beaming up at him, Sirius’ face softens. 

“Drove Walburga up the wall, she tried to burn my birth certificate.” Remus snorts. “I’ll carry you on my back, I carry Marlene all the time, you can’t be heavier than an athlete.” Sirius says then and Remus’ smile is still on his face. 

“You can’t be se-” he stops himself at the look Sirius gives him. “You’re not being real?”

“Very. There’s so many stalls Moons! You have to come look at them.” And maybe it’s because they’re calling him Moons again, and maybe it’s because the mention of him doing this with Marlene makes the whole ordeal less scary, but he nods. Sirius’ smile is bright as they crouch down, his back to Remus and waits. Carefully Remus lets his hand trace Sirius’ shoulders before carefully wrapping around them, inching himself slowly off the bench, Sirius’ arms come up, hooks around the back of his knees carefully, the bags get dropped down beside them and Remus reaches out to grab them. Sirius slowly stands, adjusting Remus so he’s holstered high up on his back, hand careful around his right knee. “Okay?” Remus breathes out a laugh. 

“We must look ridiculous. ” Remus admits, Sirius manages to shrug, and Remus curls closer, head resting just beside Sirius’ face. 

“Not hurting anything?” Sirius asks, and Remus shakes his head. Sirius takes a careful step, then another, making sure they don’t fall, and suddenly they’re back in the crowd, wandering between stalls and looking at the curious items. Remus lets his head sink a little further, his arm tightens a little harder, lets himself relax, breathes in the smell of smoke and coffee that seems to follow Sirius everywhere. Allows himself to not panic, to not freak out, just breathe and exist. 

Chapter Text

Remus

When Monday rolls around he finds himself not dreading going into work. 

In fact he’s almost looking forward to it. Almost. It’s still work after all. The drive between Teddy’s school and his work is short, and he parks with ease, climbing out and using his cane to walk around to the other side. He’s not in as much pain as Friday, finally, finally his meds working how they should and the build up of fluid breaking down enough to not cause him extreme issues. Overall he’s optimistic for a positive work day. 

That is a fleeting last thought as he climbs out the elevator and into the conference room. 

“Oh fuck you!” Andromeda screeches.

“Oh that’s fucking rich .” Bellatrix snaps back. Remus stares for a long moment, everyone is here, standing around, waiting for… well he has no idea what. But he suddenly feels like maybe he should get back on the elevator - oh nope, there it goes, down, down, down. 

“Andy-” Narcissa tries. 

“Save it.” Andromeda spits.  

“Girls-” Sirius tries and Andromeda spins fists bunched together as they drop heavily against their chest. Remus feels sick. 

“You don’t get to say a fucking thing .” Andromeda snarls. Wick slowly steps away from the crowd, coming to stand next to Remus, a collection of photos in her hand. 

“What’s happening? ” He mutters under his breath, hand curled fiercely around his cane. 

“Andy’s not eating, she’s worried about the photoshoot today. ” Remus stills.

“You have no fucking idea-”

“Oh yeah, me, I have no idea.” Sirius scoffs, pushing her hands off him, sliding his fingers around her palms. “Andy-”

“You don’t!” She cries.  

“Andy, she can’t hurt you anymore.” Sirius tries but she snatches her hands away backing up like she’s a wounded animal stuck in a corner. 

“You don’t get it. You don’t- you’re accusing me of this- this bullshit again, and for what? Why? ” She bunches her hands in her skirt. 

“Andy we haven’t seen you eat-”

“I have been!” 

“Tonks says otherwise!” Narcissa snaps suddenly, “she’s fucking worried over you.” Andromeda’s eyes blaze. 

“Fuck you .” She snarls. 

“Who’s Tonk’s?” Remus whispers. 

“Andy’s daughter, she’s 12. Adopted. ” 

“How dare you- how dare you go to her-”

“She came to me!” Narcissa screeches, “because she’s fucking worried over her mother not eating a single fucking thing because of some fucking bullshit photos!” 

“THEY’RE NOT JUST PHOTOS!” Andromeda cries, and there’s actual tears building up in her eyes, carefully one slips down her cheek. He has no idea what the fuck he was meant to do. “They’re- timestamps. It’s all a big fucking time stamp. A year ago I wasn’t- I wasn’t this- big.” She sobs. “I wasn’t, my measurements, they’re all wrong, a year- it’s been a year-”

“Andy-” Sirius is there, holding onto her. 

“And you don’t get it, don’t get it-”

“Shhh.” Bellatrix and Narcissa have run over now, holding onto her as well, as she drops to the ground, eyes wet. The room is silent, people staring, watching, standing, not sure what they were meant to do. Wick’s hand curls around his wrist and her face contorts. 

“I can’t keep losing.” Andromeda says softly. 

“You’re not losing anything, it’s not a game, Andy, there was never anything like a game, we were soldiers.” Bellatrix says softly, “it’s just life, just your life.” 

“But I-”

“She can’t control you anymore, control any of us.” Narcissa cuts her off, “she’s not around to win, and you’re allowing her to win.” 

“I can’t do anything else.” Andromeda whispers. 

“That’s utter fucking nonsense Andy, and you know it.” Sirius says harshly, before their tone lifts. “You’re amazing at literally everything, you become amazing at literally everything, not because of them, or because of some illusion of a game. Because you’re great.” It’s then that Sirius looks over to him, his face draining and he grimaces, looking instead back to Andy. Like he only just realised he was here. What was he meant to do? What were any of them meant to-

“We can move the shoots around, Andy.” Wick says, finally, taking a step forward, “if it’s stressing you out this much. We don’t even need to do the shoot. You can skip it.” 

“But it’s important. ” Andy whines. “It’s important to the anniversary, important to Sirius, and I owe them everything.” 

“You don’t owe me a thing.” Sirius whispers, mouth pressed to the side of her head, trying to soothe her. 

“Andy, come on.” Narcissa says, pulling herself up and then offering her hands to her older sister, “let’s go somewhere quieter, talk this through, yeah?” Andy blinks up at her, gently places her hands in Narcissa’s, they stumble towards the elevator, Bellatrix hot on their heels, and then they’ve disappeared into the elevator. As if a spell had been broken, the room springs to life, conversation floating around the room, projector turned on, calls taken, printer whirling, and Sirius is sitting there, alone on the ground still. He takes a step forward. 

Sirius

Fucking, fuck . 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit, shit-

What the fuck. He was meant to, meant to have fixed this, meant to have helped this. He was meant to have mended this, meant to, meant to, meant to-

Fuck .

How had he not seen the signs? Why did he not see the signs? Why the fuck did this have to happen here? Now? In front of everyone? Why didn’t he catch up with her? When Remus mentioned it the other day? Why hadn’t he been paying attention. 

Fuck. 

He let this happen, he did this, let her fall again, spiral down, down, down. This was his doing. He wasn’t careful enough, didn’t pay enough attention, the anniversary wasn’t just his Achilles heel, it was everyones, everyones words, everyones stories and here he was destroying Andromeda. Didn’t focus enough, didn’t listen enough. He would have caught the signs, should have. It’s like James all over again. You need to eat, eat, eat, you had too. Had too! Or you’d die, you’d fucking perish, and here Andy was, all alone, taking away that luxury. Killing herself slowly right in front of them all, and he hadn’t paid-

“ Sirius!” He was in an office, when did he get here? Where was Andy, Andy who he had to protect, everyone, everyone he had to protect, he should just, just pick them all up and lock them all away, nothing bad could happen- “SIRIUS!” Who? Who- a tower, far away, locked and barricaded and protected and safe and not at risk- firm arms wrap around his shoulders, hands coming up to cradle the back of his neck, the space between his lower back, thumbs move together, rubbing circles. “ Sirius, ” the voice calls again, soft, brittle, like it was going to break. Maybe he was breaking. Maybe this was his undoing, maybe this was what he was made to do. Watch everyone around him as they all burnt to a crisp, unable to help any of them, unable to save any of them, locked back, and chained in place, his own personal hell, in his own personal hellscape, he couldn’t- “Sirius, please, please breathe .” The voice lulls again, and Sirius feels a sharp intake of air hit his lungs, when had he-? His head rushes. “Breathe, in and out Pad’s, come on.” Who? He takes another breath, he couldn’t save himself, how was he meant to save others? Something warm wraps around his shoulders - the arms leaving his side for only a second, a second too long if the sound of protest that escapes his throat is any indication - and then they’re back, wrapped around him, holding onto him. “Breathe.” He takes in a shaky breath and a horrible animalistic sob escapes in its place. “You’re okay, Pads.” Okay? Okay ? He was far from it. The figure settles next to him, their sides pushed together flush, the burning sensation running hot up his body, the hand slips from his neck down to take his hand. Squeezing. “You’re okay Pads, in and out yeah?” Remus, Remus’ office, Remus’ hand, Remus’ voice, his head shoots up, meeting honey coloured eyes and Remus huffs pulls his hand back up his neck to tuck his head back against his shoulder. “Stop thinking, just breathe.” His hand runs back down to his lower back, arm wrapped around him. Sirius lets himself be held. Breathes in harshly, and out in a rush, “not like a lunatic.” Remus snorts, rubs his thumb in circles, pulls Sirius closer. “Listen to me,” Remus says, shuffling until Sirius' head is against his chest. “In and out, yeah?” Remus takes a deep breath, “in,” Sirius mimics, “out,” they breathe out. Sirius’ head spins. “In, out, in, out.” Slowly his vision comes back, unblurring, the black spots at the edge clearing up. He takes a shaky breath, “look at you, a natural to the bare minimal automatic bodily function.” Sirius lets his hand hit Remus' chest and Remus snorts. “You okay?” 

“Pad’s?” Sirius asks, his throat is raw and patchy, cracks around the word. 

“Moons?” Remus challenges. Sirius hides his face. Remus’ hand doesn’t stop the slow circles. “Need anything?”

“Coffee?” Sirius croaks. They don’t move, pressed together in an armchair, the curtains drawn closed, the lamp on the table flicked on, the only light in the room, a soft orange haze. 

“I think you’ve had more than enough.” Remus says softly. 

“Haven’t.” Sirius mutters, squeezes his eyes shut only to pull them open violently when Remus’ hand runs up his back, cradling into his hair. 

“I’ll go get you some, only if you promise me it won’t make you worse.” Remus whispers, Sirius tilts his head ever so, looking up to Remus’ face, he looked confused, worried, angry almost. Sirius wants to rub at the spot where Remus’ brows are pulled into a frown until it goes away. 

“I promise. But… not right now. Can we. Stay. Here?” Sirius doesn’t get his hopes up, knows Remus is only doing this because there had already been one break down in front of everyone there didn’t need to be a second, Remus didn’t like touch, Remus didn’t like questions, he didn’t-

Remus pulls his head back down to rest against his chest, hums quietly and continues running his hands through his hair. Sirius’ heart fucking beats against his chest. 

1. Remus did not like personal questions
2. He didn’t like being in the centre of attention
3. He was a person of flight, the second something became uncomfortable he ran away 
4. He drank coffee like it was life support
5. He hated being pitied
6. He never quite knew where he belonged without verbal cues - insecure
7. Gift giving - love language
8. He would break every rule in favour of Sirius 

Remus

It’s only when Sirius’ breathing is evened out that he begins to worry. 

What the hell was he supposed to do? Sirius breaking down in front of everyone was one thing, but him breaking down in front of Remus, letting himself be held, talked to, soothed- asking to stay even after the panic attack was over- was an entire other thing. Because Remus liked being close to Sirius. Liked having Sirius in his life, wanted to help where he could, protect what he could. And that was terrifying. He had only ever been close to one person before, this soft and vulnerable to one person before, to Lily, who had returned it in earnest, and now here Sirius was, curled on top of him, keeping his breathing even and fighting off the aftermath of a panic attack, and Remus wanted to be here for him. Wanted to hold him for as long as he needed, wanted to keep playing with his hair, keep holding his hand. Wanted Sirius in his life, because he made him happy. And that was unsettling, terrifying. He would be lying if he didn’t feel his heart kick a beat every time he was called Moons, lying if he didn’t admit that when Sirius had picked him up so he could still enjoy the day his heart wasn’t ricochetting across his chest, lying if that when Sirius simply listened noted and went through with something for Remus it didn’t feel like love. And that was fucking terrifying because his mother is screeching at him that he would only ever hurt those around him, and his father is looming over him, fists bared telling him to just give in, just give up, and he’s cowering listening to their words, their screaming that he was the spawn of everything bad in this world and Remus gets the sudden urge to fucking protect Sirius from himself. 

But.

But Lily had managed. Lily had held onto him the whole time he was healing, if that was even what he could call it, Lily hadn’t let go. 

Maybe it wasn’t selfish, selfish to want to be happy, to have Sirius as a friend. 

“Moons?”

“Hm?” Remus looks down at the man. 

“You okay?” Sirius bites into his lip, cracked skin peeling. Remus really had to figure out a way to get him to stop that. 

“I’m fine,” Remus says slowly, and then looks at his watch. “8:40, we have to actually work to get paid don’t we?” Remus groans, Sirius laughs. 

“Well I do own the place-”

“Sirius. ” Remus warns and Sirius mutters something and slowly pulls himself up. Remus watches as his own blazar cradles over Sirius’ shoulders. 

“Oh that’s what this was.” Sirius mutters, hands running over the tweed material. 

“Thought you might be cold. You’re always freakishly cold.” Remus says, his hands were always freezing at least. He slowly sits up himself, pulls himself off the armchair. “Coffee.” Remus says with a slight nod and picks his cane up, swings the door open and leaves. 

Maybe he could be a little selfish anyway. 

Sirius

Thankfully the rest of the day goes rather smoothly after that. At 12, Sirius reminds Andy again that the photos aren’t important, that her words are but she ignores him and goes through it. Remus and him are back in the room whilst the shoot happens. Sirius is ready to jump up at any moment and call it quits if Andy is so much as a little bit distressed. Remus ready to… well he wasn’t sure what Remus was here for, but his blazar is still over his shoulders, and Remus’ hand is warm in his otherwise cold ones so he doesn’t so much as care. They order lunch, afterwards, Andy picks her way through a salad, Sirius manages half a sandwich and it’s okay, really, because Remus is still there, carrying conversations with everyone, and it’s peaceful. When the afternoon interviews come around - Regulus and Evan this time - it’s easy going and fine, and when they’re caught up at the end of the day, typing up manuscripts and Remus offers him more coffee, he’s okay. And Andy’s okay, and honestly? His little freak out earlier seems unwarranted. 

“Okay.” Remus says, hits print. “We need personal written pieces to start cutting down.” He cracks his fingers, digs them through his hair and settles back against the chair. Sirius nods slowly. 

“Everyone’s working on them.” Sirius says, his notebook opened in front of him, where his words are scattered around, nothing fluent, jumping from one point to the next. 

“Right, how long does it normally take?” Remus asks, pulling out his planner. 

“A few weeks, for the first written draft, and then edits is two weeks, and then a final check with the corresponding person.” Sirius’ eyes bore into the notebook. “And then it’s layout and final touches and all that stress inducing stuff.”

“Hey,” Remus says softly, “you have me here, I’m a natural at this shit yeah? Nothings going to go wrong.” Remus drums his fingers across the table top. “We’ve got this.” His smile is bright, if not tired and Sirius offers one of his own. An alarm goes off. 

“Say hi to Teddy for me.” Sirius says, almost automatically. Remus hits the screen a few times until the thing shuts up. 

“You going to be okay?” Remus asks, standing and packing his things away, cane carefully picked up. 

“Yeah, might call James over, have a movie night or something.” Remus smiles, squeezes his shoulder and heads to the elevator. It’s only when he’s gone that he realises he’s still wearing Remus’ blazer. 

When he pushes through the front door he’s met with Marlene curled up on the couch, a flannel draped over her shoulders, biker shorts under this and a tub of ice cream in her lap. She waves and offers him a spoon, and so, so grateful he’s not alone in this house he plops down next to her, his routine abandoned. 

“Bad day?” She mutters around a spoon. 

“Worst. Panic attacks and all.” He mutters, digging the spoon through the carton. 

“Dude, same .” She laughs, he notices then, the messy mascara pressed into her cheeks, her torn lip, the puffy eyes. He leans into her. 

“Sorry to hear that.” He mutters, takes another bite, she manages a shrug. 

“It’s fine.” She digs her spoon into the carton, “didn’t tell Dorcas though. Couldn’t… couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to be worried after, I just want to binge eat and watch shitty christmas movies and move on, you know?” Sirius shakes his head. 

“Not in the slightest. I hate being alone.” His eyes drift up to the screen, Elf playing. 

“Suppose you would, huh? I grew up in a bigger family, finding alone time was a nightmare.” She rolls her eyes, shakes her blonde hair out. “Training killed me, as well.” 

“Mm?” Sirius manages around the spoon in his mouth. Marlene offers him a shrug. 

“Just, hard. Pushing to new limits and shit, I just wasn’t in the mindset today.” She drags her hand through her hair again. “What about you? Tell me something good that happened today.” Sirius snorts. 

“I don’t think anything good happened. Just normal anniversary bullshit.” Marlene raises an eyebrow and then very pointedly points the spoon towards the blazer he was still wearing. “Okay Remus was there when I had my attack, he thought I was cold, forgot to give it back to him.”

“Rightttt,” Marlene giggles, digs her spoon back into the tub and looks back up to the screen. “That’s it though? Nothing happy happened? Nothing odd? Nothing interesting?”

“With Remus?” He held me, he held me and let me stay in his space whilst I was at my lowest and he didn’t push me away, if anything stuck closer to me all day. 

“With your day, with Remus whatever. I need something positive. ” Sirius bites into his lip.

“Had a really good sandwich?” He offers and she snorts, throwing her head back, laughter reaching high in the air. 

“You, Sirius Black, are gold.” She presses a kiss to his forehead then, settling her own head against his. “Don’t ever change.” She mutters. Sirius makes a noise and lets himself fade further into the couch watching the movie ahead. 

Remus

Teddy is running a fever and he doesn’t know what to do. He had complained earlier that morning about his stomach hurting. But he had said it was fine moments later, and Remus had. Well he had believed him . But now? Now Teddy was unable to keep his head up, face hot and flushed, hands sweaty, eyes barely open. He doesn’t know what to do. He was fine after he had picked him up from school and then suddenly, so suddenly, he wasn’t. 

He had tried calling Lily, tried texting her, and then tried calling Mary when she didn’t pick up, texted the both of them half a million times and in a fit of panic had buckled Teddy into his car seat and headed for the hospital. Teddy is asleep in the back of the car, face a bright red. Remus’ eyes keep fluttering to the rearview mirror watching him, splotchy patches on his cheeks. He’s at a red light when his brain catches up to him. Was taking Teddy to a hospital right? Was he over reacting? How was he supposed to know, he hadn’t prepared for a kid, hadn’t read the parent books, gone to classes, had to deal with anything that wasn’t his own sickness. Was this the right choice? 

Find Sirius. 

That’s what Lily had told him the last time something with Teddy happened. Suddenly he’s clicking off his indicator, destination changed. 

Sirius

He had just closed the front door, saying goodbye to Dorcas and Marlene, heading back to the couch where he was going to curl up and sleep instead of up in his bed, when there’s a knock. He rolls his eyes, heads back and unlocks it. 

“What did you forget-”

“Teddy’s dying.” Okay. Not Marlene. Sirius takes in the view before him. Remus - shirt half untucked, still in today's clothes - the picture of anxious frenzy, Teddy - bright faced and half asleep - bundled in his arms. 

“What?” Sirius says, not sure he heard him right. 

“There’s something- something wrong. I don’t know what something’s- Sirius I think he’s dying.” Sirius’ frown is instant and he grabs onto Remus’ hand and tugs, swinging the front door closed and ushering the both of them into his kitchen. 

“Remus, slow down.”

“His stomachs’ upset, he’s bright red, can’t talk- I don’t know anything about him- what if he’s- he’s really sick.” Remus’ breathing is coming out in hiccups and carefully he helps Remus set down Teddy on the bench, feeling his forehead flinching when it almost burns him. He reaches up to the top cabinet, pulls the medical box from the top shelf down and - setting it next to Teddy before he’s digging through it - sticks a thermometer under his tongue and holds it there. Remus is rubbing Teddy’s back, eyes flicking all over his face, and Sirius picks his hand back up, holds onto it and waits, waits, waits- beep beep beep. 

“It’s just a fever, Remus.” Sirius says when the little screen displays 38degrees. Remus glares at the stick.
“What if it’s not? What if-”

“Remus-”

“I need to take him to a hospital-”

“Remus-”

“I should’ve gone straight there, Lily didn’t reply-”

“Remus!” 

“This was a mistake I should have-”

“Moons!” Sirius says harshly, Remus freezes, “it’s just. A. Fever. He’s not dying. He’s just a kid. Calm down, breathe , taking him to a hospital at this hour is going to make things worse.” 

“He could be sick. I don’t know anything about him, Sirius.” Remus almost pleads and Sirius takes a deep breath. “He could, could be allergic to something, his immune system could be weak-”

“I can promise you he’s okay. Just a fever. Luna had one earlier this year, and it’s getting colder now, he’s bound to get sick.” Sirius squeezes his hand again, “we just need to break it.”

“We?”

“Well if I let you walk out that door you’re going to be stuck at A&E for hours only to be sent home, so yes. We. He needs a cold bath, and paracetamol, Luna still has some.” He swings the fridge back open, digs through the contents before a brown bottle is placed into Remus’ hand. “It’s going to be fine.” 

Remus

Sirius looks tired. 

Remus regrets coming over all together. 

“I can manage.” Remus says softly, goes to pick Teddy back up but Sirius’ hands are on his in an instant. 

“Remus.” He says, softly then. “You’re more than welcome to stay if you’re this freaked out.” Remus takes a deep breath. 

“I don’t want to intrude.” 

“You’re not, you never do.” Sirius says earnestly and Remus takes another deep breath and nods. “Read the label,” Remus looks down at the bottle, “the instructions, make sure you know what you’re doing.” Remus nods, “okay? I’m going to go run a bath, get him to take some.” Sirius squeezes his hands and then slips away upstairs. Remus stares at the bottle. 

“Pup?” Remus asks, Teddy’s face turns to him, eyes half closed, mouth hanging open breathing heavily. 

“Mm.” 

“You need…” Remus swallows hands shaking. It was just a fever, he was overreacting. He had nothing to go on, in all fairness, had no idea what was happening. He didn’t plan for a kid. He pulls a plastic syringe from the medical kit, draws the medicine into it and holds it in front of Teddy. “This isn’t going to taste the nicest, but you need to swallow it okay?” Remus asks, “it’s going to help you feel better.” Remus says, waiting for a sign of confirmation, Teddy blinks slowly at him. Right, okay. 

“ Bad .” Teddy mutters, but he swallows the liquid anyway, and Remus rinses the syringe in the sink before he’s picking Teddy back up.

“I know Pup, I’m sorry.” He says, rubbing his hand up and down Teddy’s back when he starts to cough, rocking him ever so slightly. He hadn’t prepared for a kid, in fact he never wanted children. Never even thought about it. He couldn’t handle the idea of someone else being so dependent on him. What if he couldn’t get out of bed? What if his genes passed onto something so small and harmless? What if he couldn’t handle it, like his parents? He didn’t want this, he never wanted this, this was too much all at once. But. He looks down to Teddy and he knows, he knows he would never trade him for the world. “I’m sorry.” Teddy coughs, curling his hands up in Remus’ shirt. “I'm so sorry.” Remus says then almost breathlessly pulling Teddy tighter holding onto him more firmly.

“Moony,” Sirius says from the base of the stairs then. Remus manages to look at them and not break down at the nickname. “Come on,” and then Sirius is offering his hand back out to him and Remus all but latches onto it. 

Sirius has turned off the lights in the bathroom, instead a string of fairy lights turned on above the bathtub. There's bubbles and the smell of lavender in the air and Remus is so fucking greatful that one of them is functioning. “He needs to drink water, a lot of it. His body is fighting off a fever which means his throat will be ungodly dry.” Sirius says carefully. Remus looks down at Teddy. 

“Right.”

“And it's better to keep him cool, fan, cold compress to the forehead. Lots of water.” Sirius ducks his head until Remus is looking at them instead of Teddy. “He’ll be okay in a few days. Maybe he’ll even be fine after tonight.” Sirius’ hand is on his lower back, small circles pressing into the muscles. “I'll go set up Harry’s room. Call me if you need me.” Sirius says then, and Remus really doesn't want him to go, doesn't want to be left alone in case something goes bad. Doesn't want to make Teddy worse. 

Sirius

Just a fever. 

It was just a fever, a child fever no less. Yet he feels sick all over as he turns up Harry’s bedding. Remus had been so worried, a part of him wanted to be a spiralling wreck as well. But he can't. If he falls apart as well then they're going to A&E and that wasn't an option because it's just a fever. He tucks a few more pillows into the bed, pulls the blankets down, switches on the ceiling fan and sets up one of Harry's bottles filled with ice cubes and water. Just a fever, a fever Remus had run to Sirius to help. He tries not to think about that, knows the way his brain will pick it apart. He steals the Spiderman toy from Regulus’ room, the one Teddy had clinged to last time. Remus who had held him whilst he was convinced he was breaking down, Remus who grabbed onto his hand like it was the last saving grace this earth could offer, Remus who had danced with him just last week, so freely- he turns on Harry’s old baby monitor, making sure he can hear movement before he settles it in his own room. Grabs a bowl of water and a cloth and sets it on the side table, pulls up the barrier they had clipped onto the bed when they realised Harry sleepwalked. Remus, Remus, Remus.

“Siri,” Teddy's small voice echoes and Sirius turns around, Remus is there. Sleeves rolled up past his elbows, tired eyes and damp curls, Teddy in his arms wrapped in a towel face still flushed, wet curls pressed to his forehead. 

“Hey bud,” Sirius says softly, digging through Harry's wardrobe pulling out a pair of shorts and a light long sleeved shirt. Remus settles Teddy down on the bed. 

“Thank you,” Remus mutters when the clothes are passed to him. Getting Teddy dressed is more of a hassle then he seemed to have the energy for, but they manage and get him laying down at the very least, Remus soaking the cloth in the water before laying it on his forehead. Sirius had made sure more fairy lights were turned on rather than lamps and the overhead light. Little colourful globes shining against the near maroon wallpaper. 

“Water,” Sirius says pointedly, crouching down to offer the bottle to Teddy who pulls a face. “It's just water, Ted’s.” He manages to lean forward to take a small sip before he's back in bed, eyes falling asleep. “Come on.” Sirius sighs then, taking up Remus’ hand like it was first instinct and pulling the taller man up. 

“What if he needs something?” Remus’ eyes are focused on Teddy and Sirius taps the baby monitor. 

“Already sorted.” He manages to get them out into the hall, door kept ajar so that if Teddy did need something Remus was able to hear him. When the small white device is in Remus’ hands he finally has the time to ask. “Have you eaten?”

“Sorry?” Remus' head lifts from the device. 

“Have you eaten?” Sirius ushers them back down the stairs into the kitchen. 

“Oh, no.” Remus leans against the counter device clasped protectively between his hands. Sirius gives him a pointed look. 

“What are you hungry for?”

“I'm not really… all that hungry.” Remus looks at the device again, listening for anything, the only noise coming from it is the hum of the fan. 

“What did Teddy eat?” Sirius says then. 

“That's not-”

“If you're taking care of him then you need to take care of yourself, Remus.” Sirius says very pointedly before looking into the fridge and pantry. “Stir fry?” Sirius offers, and Remus hums. That's more than enough commitment for him. 

Remus

When all he can do is look at the device helplessly, Sirius plucks it from his hands, slides a lighter and a cigarette in its places and downright shoves him onto the balcony. He sits. He breathes. And he's fine. 

He really is. 

Right. 

No spiraling. 

Nope. 

He's all good. 

A-o-fucking-kay. 

He digs his own packet out when he finishes the first one and lights up another. 

He's fine. 

It's fine. 

There's music playing when he lights another. Something soft and more of an instrumental thing rather than a song with lyrics. 

He's fine. 

Sirius is humming along, he can hear them in the kitchen, the hiss of things in pans and the clank of plates. 

He's all good. 

It's fine .

When he's on his fourth Sirius pops out onto the balcony to join him, two plates in one hand and glasses of water in the other and they promptly fall into a chair offering one over. Remus takes it and he's fine.

He puts out the cigarette, lifts the fork, stabs a piece of meat and just sits there. 

“You didn't do anything wrong.” Sirius says softly and Remus wants to sob . How was it that they had only properly known each other short of three weeks and Sirius was already reading his mind?

“He has a fucking fever.” Remus bites out. Sirius’ plate drops on the table, rotating so he can stare at Remus. Remus doesn't look back. 

“Right.” Sirius nods, as if they're actually considering this. “And you have a joint condition, wow your parents must have really hated you huh?” 

“That’s different, ” Remus snaps, flinching at the words nonetheless. Sirius studies him for a moment. 

“Your parents aren’t good people.” Sirius says softly. Remus snorts, and then he really is sobbing.

“Fuck you Black.” Remus manages, hands curled into fists against his eyes, trying beyond god to stop the tears pooling there. 

“Remus-”

“No, no they weren’t. Funny that huh?” Remus mutters, pulls his knees to his chest and drops his head into them. His body is shaking and he hates it, hates being weak , hates allowing them to continue to hurt him this way. 

“But you got Teddy out, that’s… that’s a good thing Remus.” Sirius pushes more into Remus’ personal space and he really is just so tired .

“They’re dead. Sirius.” Remus says then and the silence that follows is unbearable. He doesn’t raise his head, doesn’t want to see what might be in Sirius’ face. “Died. Six months ago, almost seven. Car crash that somehow miraculously left Teddy alive. I didn’t do shit .” He takes a deep breath, “I didn’t even know they had another fucking kid, or that they were in fucking London.” He’s bitter, he knows this, but he can’t stop the words, or the hatred in them. “Haven’t seen them since my 16th birthday.” He whispers then, and Sirius’ inhale is sharp. 

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t.” Remus cuts him off, curls into himself more. “Don’t, they weren’t good people, don’t be sorry that they’re fucking dead. It’s the least they deserved.” Remus digs his fingers into his eyes, rubs at them harshly, pulls his head up, rests his chin on his knees. Still does not look at Sirius. 

Sirius

When he talked about wanting to take apart Remus’ story, he didn’t mean it like this. Didn’t mean having him sobbing on his balcony whilst his younger brother was sick upstairs. Remus tilts his face up to the moonlight, cheekbones hollow and scars a vibrant silver. Sirius doesn’t know what to say. 

“Do you want to… talk about it?” Sirius asks, not sure what else he can offer. 

“No.”

“Did you. Process it?” Sirius asks then because he really doesn’t know when to shut his fucking mouth, Remus’ eyebrow twitches. “Or did you just jump straight into the pilot seat of raising a kid?” God help him, Remus John Lupin was going to kill him. 

“Fuck you Black .” Remus spits again. But he doesn’t get up, doesn’t leave. He stays and he sits and he watches the moon and Sirius thinks-hopes- thinks ? That that is progress. 

“You should eat.” Sirius says then, unable to think of anything else to keep this conversation going. Remus scoffs, runs his hand over his eyes and takes a deep breath. He stabs at his food again. 

“You’re so- so fucking annoying you know that?” Remus says then. 

“Yeah, I do.”

“Like so fucking irritating. It’s unbearable.” Sirius takes a small bite of his food.

“Yeah. Yeah I know.” He offers. 

“You just- just fucking walk in smiles blazing like you can solve fucking everything because you’re Sirius Fucking Black.” Remus says then, hands wide in front of him. 

“Well, yeah.” Sirius says, “I know I do that.” 

“And you just keep going, you don’t stop and it’s unbearable because there should be a line and there’s fucking not. You just keep going- I came to you with a sick child and you just went about fixing the situation-”

“I wouldn’t have turned you away-”

“And you figured out first that I had a child so that you could try and fix my work life-”

“I needed an editor, you fit-”

“And you carried me, because my knees dodgy as all shit-” 

“You shouldn’t be excluded-”

“And you just keep doing all these things like they cost fucking nothing and you just keep trying because you’re Sirius Black and you can fix anything and I want to keep telling you all these things, all these deep personal things because you make it seem okay to do so. And that’s fucking unbearable because I don’t want to do that, it was bad enough when Lily found out, but here I am again, going through that same motion, and I’ve only known you for two weeks! What are you made of? Liquid drugs or something?” Remus finally looks at him then, and Sirius takes a deep breath because oh. Oh . 

Oh. No. 

“I’m not, no.” Sirius laughs, Remus’ face softens. “I just. Care for people. Granted a bit too much-”

“A bit?” Oh, no. 

“A lot. Okay? And you fall into that category. I want to be there for you, I want to help you and I want you in my life. I want to tell you all this confusing shit as well, the deep miserable shit and the happy stuff and whatever because I care about you. And I don’t know what personal demons you have going on but I’m holding that space for you too, and I’m not going to judge you for it, any of it Remus.” Oh. No.  

“I,” Remus starts, but then a phone’s ringing and he’s jumped up pressing the device to his ear and Sirius Black is met with the unfamiliar feeling of falling and falling hard. 

Remus

“He’s fine, Lil’s.” Remus hurries down the line, slipping back into the lounge room, the music he heard earlier is an old record player, set up on the lounge room table. There’s a selection of records around it. 

“You didn’t take him to the hospital did you? Please tell me Remus-”

“I didn’t no. It’s fine.” Remus says quickly trying to get her to calm down. 

“Mary, Harry and I were watching a movie, I didn’t have my phone on me, I’m coming over now-”

“No Lil’s- Lily it’s fine. I have it sorted.” Remus cups the phone closer to his face, watching Sirius through the balcony door. 

“I should’ve been there. Kids get sick all the time, it’s what they’re meant to do, to build up their immune system-”

“Lil’s.” Remus laughs, Sirius has gathered the plates and glasses back up. “I have it under control.”

“Make sure to give him a cold bath.”

“We did.” Remus assures her, Sirius sets the plates down on the lounge room table, moves to the kitchen and starts cleaning the pan. 

“We?” Lily says then and finally there’s no noise from her end of things. 

“I’ll do that,” Remus bats Sirius away from the sink who goes to protest, “you cooked. Go, sit.” He pulls the phone back to his ear when Sirius is curled up on the couch slowly picking through their plate. “Uh yeah, I ran to um. I ran to Sirius halfway to the hospital.” 

“You’re with.” But she doesn’t finish the sentence and he bites into his lip, curling his arm across his chest protectively. 

“I mean last time- you told me to go to them.” 

“Them?” Lily breathes out and Remus gets the sudden urge that maybe he’s said something wrong. 

“Lil’s-”

“No, stop. I can hear you over thinking already. I’m just so glad you finally have someone in your life.” Lily says quickly and Remus stills. 

“I have you.”

“That’s a granted. Like base line. You have someone Remus. Go! Go have dinner or whatever it is you two are doing, I’m just so proud is all. Tell Teddy I hope he feels better.” She’s laughing as she says it and before he can say anything she’s hung up. Remus stares at the phone for a long moment. He drops his phone down on the kitchen bench, picks up the baby monitor and settles next to Sirius on the couch, swapping the monitor for the plate. 

“Thank you, for uh. Cooking, and helping.” Remus says, staring determinedly at the plate, as if this wasn’t him backpedalling. “And uh. Sorry?” He laughs. “For freaking out on you, insulting you. Um. Don’t put up with that shit yeah? Put me in my place? You deserve better.” Sirius chokes, like actually chokes. Remus’ head shoots up. 

“You- what? ” 

“You deserve better than that Sirius, you’ve been through a lot, shouldn’t have to have people telling you awful things because they’re in a pissy mood.” Remus takes a bite of the dish and instantly his mood lightens. God that’s good? 

“Thank you.” Sirius says softly, turns to the record player that had stopped and leans over to change it out. “That means… a lot.” 

Pushing through the market square 

So many mothers sighing (sighing)

“But I genuinely mean it,” Remus says.

“I’m sure you do.” Sirius takes another bite from his plate, Remus frowns. 

“Sirius-”

“Shh. Just eat, listen.” 

News had just come over 

We had five years left to cry in (cry in)

Remus takes another bite, Sirius mimics. He wants to say more, and that’s a dangerous, dangerous thing for him.

News guy wept and told us 

Earth was really dying (dying)

There’s a shuffling noise on the baby monitor and Remus’ eyes shoot to it before it settles. Teddy was fine, him and Sirius were fine. Everything was fine. 

Cried so much his face was wet 

Then I knew he was not lying (lying)

“My father was a priest.” Remus says then, because he can’t help himself. He takes a long sip of his water. Sirius looks over to him then.

“Oh?” But it’s not condescending, or bare minimum interest, Sirius’ whole interest was on him like a fire. 

I heard telephones, opera house, favorite melodies 

I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TV's

Sirius

He stares and he waits because he will not scare Remus away, not now, not like this. 

“He, uh, was very prideful with his church.” Remus says, takes another bite. “Might have been the only thing he actually cared about.” 

“I’m sure there were other things.” Sirius says carefully, takes a sip of water, waits. 

“No you’re right, there was the booze, and the reputation.” Remus laughs darkly. “Mam was different.” 

My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare 

I had to cram so many things to store everything in there

“Were you closer to her, then?” Sirius asks, watching as Remus’ face falls. 

“For a bit, I guess.” He stabs a piece of broccoli. “She was kind, I was young. I got older, she got meaner, you know. Well you don’t, actually. Um. Sorry.” 

“You’re fine Remus.” Sirius soothes, inching a little closer. 

And all the fat, skinny people 

And all the tall, short people 

And all the nobody people 

And all the somebody people 

I never thought I'd need so many people

“She was a nurse, so there’s that.” Remus shrugs, “they’re dead now, though.” He bites into a piece of meat and Sirius scoops some food onto his own fork. 

“And you had no idea about Teddy?” He asks, watching for any kind of reaction. 

“Well, I had no idea about them until I was called 18 times by the same number.” Remus shrugs again. 

A girl my age went off her head 

Hit some tiny children

“You got one thing right at the park.” Remus says with a small laugh, he’s no longer looking at him and Sirius wants to try literally everything to get him to look back. “We are quite similar. I ran away at 16, they never tried contacting me, I never went back. I just… couldn’t take it anymore.” There. Right there. Remus’ eyes widen ever so slightly, ears flicking back, before he’s back to normal, face smooth of emotions. 

“That must have been hard.” Sirius says then, carefully. 

“Actually, it was the easiest thing I ever did.” Remus says truthfully. 

If the Black hadn't have pulled her off 

I think she would have killed them

“I almost died in that house.” Remus whispers then, plate forgotten on the table, legs pulled up to his chest. “Sometimes I feel like I did.” The smile Remus tries is pitiful, and Sirius crawls across the couch until he’s right in Remus’ space, just hovering. Remus doesn’t pull back. 

“You’re very much alive and here.”

“Aren’t I just? Everyday blurring together, every emotion felt all at once and also not at all, never feeling alive but knowing I’m just filled to the brim with it.” Remus rolls his eyes. “They’re dead, I’m glad. I have Ted’s now.” 

A soldier with a broken arm 

Fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac

“And Lil’s. And me. And James and-”

“And and and. I know. I know I'm not alone.” Remus assures him, why was he assuring him? “Wouldn’t have trusted myself to come here otherwise.” Remus takes a deep breath. “I hate church, well religion all together actually. There’s a difference between calling your father, father and father. That line blurred so much growing up. Teddy, when I first got him, had begged me to go to church on Sundays. Had said the devil was coming for him if he wasn’t being good anymore.” Sirius' heart skips a beat, they’re not talking about what he thinks they’re talking about? “I went twice with him. To prove that dad couldn’t hurt us anymore. Teddy actually cried the second time.” 

A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest 

And a queer threw up at the sight of that

“Remus.” Sirius breathes out all at once, Remus gives him a pitiful smile again and Sirius wants to make it go away, pull him close, hold onto him for the rest of ever. “ Remus .” Sirius whispers. 

“I mean, it’s the old stereotype, hey? I’m sure religion is lovely, in fact I believe it is. Our version was just tarnished.” 

I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlor 

Drinking milk shakes cold and long

Remus

What was he doing. 

What was he doing.

“I don’t want to assume.” Sirius says, almost unsure of himself. Remus wants to laugh, something like a sob escapes instead. 

“You’re. Um. Not assuming.” Remus says then, “wasn’t just my father, everyone who worked with him. Uh, used to be a punishment I guess.” Sirius' intake of breath is so sharp he’s sure he’s cut his vocal cords, but then Sirius is pulling and tugging and curling around Remus, Remus pressed into his chest, wrapped up like Sirius was trying to protect him. He lets them. 

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius mutters, and Remus doesn’t know how he doesn’t break then and there. 

“Well. Life, like you said. Keeps going.” Remus takes a deep breath, tries to not imagine the pews under his back, tries not to feel the tiles under his knees as he knelt in front of a crucifix, tries not to to remember how cramped the confession booths are. 

“I didn’t mean, or meant to imply…” But Sirius stumbles off. Remus takes another deep breath. 

“Let me clean up, we should. Uh sleep.” Remus pulls himself away then, picks up the plates the glasses heads to the kitchen, sinks his elbows into the water, tries to scrub the sins from himself. 

We've got five years, my brain hurts a lot 

Five years, that's all we've got

Sirius

When Remus comes upstairs to check on Teddy he shuffles into his own bedroom and digs around for literally anything that would fit Remus. It takes a while but he finds an old queen shirt and a pair of plaid maroon pants that he’s sure are James'. He changes into a pair of shorts and a t shirt, and waits. There’s a soft knock on the door. 

“Should fit.” Sirius says, passing the clothes to Remus and then kind of shuffles from foot to foot. “Uh. My room’s the closest, take my bed, I’ll go crawl up in Regulus’.” He goes to break for the hallway but Remus grabs onto him. 

“I can’t kick you out of your own bed.” Remus says bluntly. 

“It’s the closest to Teddy though.” Sirius gestures between the single step Remus would have to take from one door to the next. 

“Pad’s, it’s your bed.” Remus points out.

“Well Marlene uses it as much as I do.” Sirius says, “even if I’m already in it.” He had woken to her curled up to his side a few too many times. 

“Well…” Remus trails off, looks at the clothes in his hands. “Let’s just do that then?”

“Do what?” Remus gives him a pained look. “ OH . Oh, right. Uh. Are you comfortable with that? Regulus’ bed is comfortable, I’m fine bunking somewhere else.” 

“ Padfoot. ” Remus says and Sirius turns around and heads back to his own bed. When Remus returns, he leaves the door wide open, setting the monitor on the side table before he sits carefully. 

“I don’t snore.” Sirius promises and Remus laughs then, actually laughs. And it’s the first time in hours and he feels a little bit accomplished. 

“Thank heavens for that.”

Chapter Text

Remus

He’s woken at some ungodly time to someone poking his face. No amount of swatting the hand away gets the creature to stop, so when he finally opens his eyes and is met with Sirius’ bright silver ones he can’t help but grumble. 

“Coffee.” Sirius says, shoving a mug into Remus’ hands. “And you’re working from here today, already sorted the details out. Well. I mean. Working from home, you can go back to your apartment… or stay here.” Sirius amends, crossing his legs as he settles on the bed next to Remus. They’re dressed for the day, tight leather pants, a white cropped shirt and a black and white flannel thrown over it. His hair is pulled tied into a ponytail, curling strands running in front of their eyes that are smudged with black eyeliner, his fingers are painted a dark brown. Remus takes a long sip of the coffee.

“Right.” Remus manages, reaches across the bed for his phone- 8:30 fuck . “Teddy-”

“Is fine! I got him to eat some porridge, he drank like two bottles of water, his fever broke. He’s just sore.” Sirius says instantly, waving Remus back down into the bed. “He’s gone back to bed. He needs the rest.” Sirius rolls his neck and it clicks. “Anyway, there’s more porridge downstairs, honeys in the pantry- uh help yourself to literally anything. If you do leave, lock the door first and then just slam it, it’ll slot into place.” They’re pulling themselves out of bed and picking up a leather bag. “Thank you for trusting me.” Sirius says then, softly. 

“Thank you for being safe.” Sirius nods, then nods again. “Have you taken your meds?” Remus asks then, Sirius’ eyes widen and he digs around his desk before a bottle is pulled into his hand, carefully shaking out two pills. “What are they for?”

“Oh, um.” Sirius frowns at the pills in their hands. 

“You don’t have to tell me, but are they important? Should I keep reminding you?” Remus pushes himself up onto his elbows, watching Sirius’ face, he bites into his lip again and Remus really needed to come up with something to soothe that. 

“They’re for my anxiety disorder. I take two every morning, and then more if I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. And uh, yes. If it’s not a bother, please remind me when you can. I forget them all the time.” Sirius knocks the pills back and swallows, pocketing the bottle as they do so. 

“Promise.” Remus says softly, Sirius’ eyes widen ever so, clears their throat and then they’re walking to the door without another word. Remus leans more firmly into the bed, cup cradled in his hands, listening as Sirius’ front door swings shut, listens to the thrum of a car start up and echo down the street, and then there’s silence in the house. Remus sighs, runs a hand down his face and gets up. 

Right. 

He ducks into Teddy’s room- not Teddy’s room. Harry’s room. It was Harry’s room and Remus and Teddy were staying here because Remus was a freakshow of emotions. He lets his hand fall to Teddy’s forehead, sighing in relief when it’s not burning. Teddy’s curled up in a ball, the Spiderman toy cradled in his arms fiercely, Remus runs his hands through his curls brushing them to the side before he slips downstairs in search for his bag. 

When he’s set up on the balcony, cup cradled to his chest and his email box loading he realises just how fucking weird (it can’t be weird they were friends and Lily and him did this all the time) domestic (was it domestic? Or was he thinking too much into things?) and out of his comfort zone this all was. (He didn’t have an argument for this one) (Except that maybe he didn’t actually feel like he was out of his comfort zone entirely .)

He has three emails from Narcissa, a couple from Alice and a few queued questions on the webpage. Taking another sip of his coffee he works through it. 

Sirius

The office is a trainwreck. Full anniversary swing of panic and hatred. 

“I’m just saying you need to work faster!” Matthew snaps at Wick who looked about ready to jump the table. 

“Oh because you’re so perfect .” She snarls. 

“I finished my pieces on Friday!” 

“Guys I’m just saying I need more to work with-” 

“Shut up Lucinda.” Both Wick and Matthew speak at the same time. Sirius hums, picks up a cup of coffee and heads to his office. 

“NO! Sirius, you're meant to be in a shoot.” Mary snaps. 

“That’s not until 11.”

“It got moved!” 

“Of course it did.” He turns, instead, towards the elevator. 

Anniversary season. Wonderful. 

When he’s sat back in the hair chair trying to keep his breathing even he can’t help but dread the next coming weeks. Maybe he should’ve listened to Walburga, and just ignored this anniversary. Maybe even with Remus here this was meant to be an overly stressful and painful thing. 

Narccissa, Bellatrix and Andromeda were in the fitting rooms, Regulus getting his face touched up and he sighs, leaning into the hands raking through his hair. 

“It’s so soft!” Someone says, tugging strands back and away from his face, he offers a hum. 

“Honestly, you really should be doing more with it. I could teach you.” Someone else says and Sirius lets himself hum again, scrolling absently on his phone. 

Prongsie: 

Heading over to home, Reg wanted his tea

Pads:

Alright

It’s not until he’s being dressed and situated on the set that he realises Remus might still be there. 

Remus

There’s soft singing coming from the otherside of the door and Remus can only help but think how polite these robbers were. The door swings open and Remus goes to say something before his eyes register who was standing there. 

“Oh hey.” James Fucking Potter smiles up at him, blue jeans and black turtleneck clad. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Jesus Christ James.” Remus mutters, running a hand through his own hair before he settles back onto the couch. He still wasn’t dressed. James seems to eye him for a moment. 

“Well that didn’t take long.” James hums heading to the kitchen. Remus narrows his eyes. 

“ What didn’t take long?” 

“Well. You and Sirius, I thought there’d be a longer wait, but here you are, in their clothes and house.” James shrugs, digging through the box of teas by the kitchen sink. Remus had stolen a cinnamon flavoured one. 

“What?” Remus says shocked. “What are you talking about?” James gives him a knowing look and Remus chokes on his tea. “We’re not- we didn’t- Teddy is sick and Lily wasn’t answering her phone last night.” Remus coughs harshly. James' eyes widened. 

“You didn’t sleep-”

“ No. ” James raises both his hands, a packet of tea slotted between two fingers. 

“My mistake, I just- the tension between you two is so thick.” James shrugs again, walks across the kitchen and into the loveseat Remus had slept in a week ago. “And the market? I just thought you too were definitely hooking up.”

“I don’t hook up.” Remus snarls. James gives him a pointed look. 

“Right.”

“I don’t!” Remus’ face was hot, he takes another sip of his tea. 

“Well, I know Sirius, and he definitely wouldn’t mind-”

“James.” Remus warns. “We’re just friends.” James, again , gives him another knowing look. 

“That’s what Reg and I said.” He leans back, twirling the packet of tea between his fingers. “And two years later we finally came out.” Remus stares at him for a moment. 

“Well I can assure you that nothing like that is happening here. I just panicked, and Lily was’t available.” Remus shrugs, stares into his mug. 

“Do you want something like that to be happening?” Remus hesitates for a moment too long. 

“No.” 

“Ha!” James leans forward, “you do don’t you?”

“James.” Remus warns again, can feel his eyebrow twitch, wonders how bad of an image it will leave if he picks Teddy up and runs back to his apartment. “I just got used to the idea that I’m allowed more than one friend, I’m not diving into the ocean of romance. I’ve never been… interested in that kind of relationship.” James nods. “I wouldn’t even know what that was meant to look like.” Remus gives him a pointed look.
“Are you aro?” James asks then, “Peter and Pandora are, you kind of sound like them.” 

  “Unfortunately, no. I’m not aromatic. Just self sabotaging and hating.” Remus admits honestly, takes another sip of his tea. 

“Remus.” James says softly, “that shouldn’t be something you take into consideration. You deserve to be happy.” Remus swallows. 

“You don’t even know me.” 

“I know you more than enough to know you deserve anything but hardships.” And that’s another fucking person to add to his list of new friends because James Fucking Potter was an impossible person to not get along with.

Sirius

The shoot takes them well into 11 o’clock, more people to pose means more commands that they can barely follow. By the end they’re all exhausted and Regulus is cursing that he’s going to be late. Sirius hugs him briefly before Regulus is climbing into the elevator and disappearing. 

“How are you?” Narcissa asks, when Sirius sits down in one of the chairs lotted about the place. 

“Fine. You?”

“Sirius, you're more wound up than a toy, what’s happening?” She curls a hand around his shoulder, giving him a stern look. 

“It’s just, annivesary season.” He offers a smile, one that feels too tight to his face. 

“Right,” she gives him a pointed look. “And this has nothing to do with a certain brunette not being here?” Sririus groans. 

“No, Cissa. It doesn’t.” It didn’t, couldn’t. Because if it did, then Sirius was seriously fucked. So astronomically fucked. Because if it did, then he had well and truly fallen- jumped past the crushing phase and dove headfirst into the depths that was… well he couldn’t name it. Didn’t want to. Not yet. Maybe not ever if he could help it, and he wanted to help it, because Remus was. Well Remus was too important to risk jumping in head first. Was too important to this company, too important to Lily, and somehow somewhere he had become too important to him, as well. Because if he did - jump headfirst that is - he would scare him off, away, out of his life and everyone else's and he didn’t want to risk that. Waking up next to him, that had felt nice. His arm slung across Remus’ stomach had felt right, Remus hand curled around his neck had felt lovely and he had forced himself out of bed all too quickly, so that when Remus did wake, he wouldn’t regret the whole endeavor, because he didn’t want to be something Remus regretted. And when had this all become so fucking complicated?

“Right, and your thoughts aren’t racing right now?”

“Narcissa.” Sirius snaps, her face softens a little bit. “I don’t…” But he can’t finish that sentence so he doesn’t. 

“You’re hesitating. Sirius, oh my god!” She has a hand over her mouth, eyes sparkling and he regrets not working from home. If he didn’t have the shoot today he would’ve stayed home, stayed with Remus. “It’s serious!” 

“There’s nothing to be serious about.” He admits and her face falters. 

“What do you mean ?” She grabs his elbow, pulling him up and ducking them away from the room and out into the hallway. “What does he not-”

“I don’t know? Probably not. I don’t even know if he’s queer.” Sirius admits. She bites into her lip, walks down the hall, he follows after her. 

“Let me find out!” She says determinedly, “if you’re hesitating then it’s serious, then this means something. Unlike your other hookups.”

“Hey!” Sirius snaps, “Daisy was nice-”

“Until you realised you were gay-”

“And Tarquin and I were together for like 8 months-”

“In which he kept misgendering you.” She gives him another pointed look, calling the elevator.

“Okay, well he got confused, I’m only one person-”

“Don’t defend him-”

“I’m not-!”

“Sirius!” She shoves him into the elevator. “Is this, or is this not serious?” 

“I…” the doors close. “I don’t.” But he stops himself. “I’d like it to be?” And it feels wrong admitting it, like he was taking away something from Remus. 

“Let me find out.” She’s smiling maniacally.

Remus

“Jamie!” Teddy squeals - he was walking down the stairs but after spotting James he’s now running - as he collapses by James’ feet looking up at him with bright eyes. “Hi Jamie!” 

“Hey buddy!” James is smiling brightly, offers up his hand for a high five which Teddy only slightly hesitates to before pressing his small hand against James’. 

“Feeling better than Pup?” Remus asks, his tea has gone cold, taking to talking to James instead. Teddy nods. 

“Siri gave me more of the bad taste.” Teddy pouts, “ and made me eat!” He crosses his arms and Remus’ smile softens. 

“They’re just looking out for you Pup.” Teddy sighs, and falls back onto his back. 

“Hurts.” He pats his own head and Remus frowns. 

“Hurts how?” 

“Tight.” He uses two hands to gesture a pressing motion against the sides of his head. 

“You know what will help with that?” James is jumping up and off the loveseat striding into the kitchen. “Tada!” He pulls an ice lolly from the freezer, cuts the top off and offers it to Teddy who grabs at it eagerly. 

“Thanks Jamie!” It comes out as fanks. Teddy pulls himself off the ground and up onto the couch, leaning against Remus. 

“Full of electrolytes, easy hydration. Marlene and I use them all the time after training,” James offers, pulling out his phone. “Looks like the shoots are over, better get this tea to Reg then.” He picks up his coat and the bags of tea he had come here for before waving and ducking out the front door before Remus can thank him. Remus sighs, leaning back and runs a hand through Teddy’s hair.

“You’re feeling better everywhere else?” Remus asks, Teddy nods, and nods, and nods. 

“Orange?” Remus looks down to him then, he’s pointing over at the stereo in the corner. 

“I don’t know how it works, Pup.” Teddy blinks, wide eyed up at him, pout still on his face. Remus runs a hand down his face. “Couldn’t have asked when James was here?” Teddy only offers another blink and Remus is pulling himself up off the couch and over to the stereo. He switches it on and honestly that’s the only part he can understand. 

Younger brother micheif:

How the fuck does the stereo work

Older sister magic:

?????????

At Sirius’???

You’re still there??? 

OH MY GOD ARE YOU TAKING A SICK DAY??

Younger brother mischeif: 

Yes at Sirius’. No I’m not taking a sick day, just working from home to stay with Teddy

Older sister magic:

Working form HOME????? AT SIRIUSS??? 

Younger brother mischeif:

from*

Older sister magic:

OH WE’RE SO TALKING LATER 

You have to connect your phone to it, the wifi passwords on the fridge. Ortehre’s cassettes all over the place

Younger brother mischeif:

You lot are ancient.

Older sister magic:

You’re now inlcuded in ‘you lot’ 

Remus wanders over to the fridge, scanning the assortment of magnets and photos there, digging through them until he has the wifi card in his hand. Trying to find the bluetooth pairing for the device is harder than he thinks it should be, but he manages, and then his spotify page is displayed on the little screen and he shuffles through until he finds Starman. Teddy hums along happily and Remus settles back next to him sighing as he pulls his computer back into his lap, reloading his email box. There’s a new handful of emails from everyone on the anniversary team, he slowly works through them, starman on loop. 

He’s half way through editing the first section of Barty’s personal piece when his phone starts to ring - it takes him longer to realise that it is in fact doing so, when David Bowie’s starman starts to sound jumbled as the song was now playing twice. 

“Hello?” He says absently sticking the phone between his shoulder and ear as he continues to type. 

“Moony!” Sirius’ bright tone echoes on the other end of the line, Remus sits up a little straighter. 

“Hey, Sirius, Hi.” 

“Siri?” Teddy looks up from his ice lolly, crawling closer so he can hear Sirius. 

“Hang on pads, I’m putting you on speaker.” Teddy cradles the phone in his hands as Remus presses the button. 

“Hi Siri!” Teddy beams. Sirius laughs. 

“Hey Ted’s, feeling better?” Teddy nods, and nods, and nods before he realises that Sirius cannot,,  in fact, see him.

“All better!” Remus runs a hand through Teddy’s curls, straightening them out before they bounce back into place. 

“That’s good to hear bud, I’m glad. Did you get lots of rest?” Sirius asks softly, something in Remus’ chest quickens. 

“Mm! Harry’s bed is really comfy. Can I have sleepovers more often?” Teddy asks hopefully. 

“If that’s okay with Remus.” Sirius says carefully, Remus hesitates. But when Teddy’s wide eyes turn up to him he can’t help but cave. 

“Of course you can.” Remus says then. 

“Jamie gave me Ice Lolly!” Teddy waves the tube in front of the phone before realising, again, that Sirius can’t actually see him. “It’s lemon!” 

“Well that was nice of him.” Sirius says, “did you say thank you?” Again that annoying thing in his chest quickens, beating against his sternum.

“Mhm!” Teddy hums. Remus carefully takes the phone from Teddy’s hands, taking him off speaker. 

“Hey Pad’s, what did you need?” Starman starts up again, and Teddy settles kicking his legs over the side of the couch. 

“I was wondering if you were still home?” Sirius asks, Remus bites into his lip. 

“Should I not be?” 

“No! No, no. I was kind of hoping you were- uh I left my journal upstairs, in the office? Could you maybe see if you can find it?” Remus looks over to the stairs. 

“Uh, yeah- hey pup? I’m just going upstairs, don’t do anything reckless.” Teddy nods, swinging his legs still working through the ice Lolly. Remus climbs the stairs. “By office you mean the room down the hall from you right? With all the instruments?” 

“Yeah,” Sirius laughs, “yeah that’s it.” Remus pops the door open looking around the place, the record player from last night is back in its spot, so are the records. There’s new music sheets settled on the table top. Remus’ hand glides  over the letter Kreacher had given him, it’s still unopened. 

“Which one?” Remus asks, tearing his eyes away from the affronting piece of paper. 

“The little red one, it’s my planner, I don’t have a digital copy like an idiot.” Remus digs through the stacks of books. 

“You’re not an idiot, Pad’s, you’re just forgetful. Two very different things.” He pulls out the little leather journal, “found it, what did you need?” 

“I think I have a lunch on today, can you check?” Remus flips the pages open, noticing his name is sketched into the cream pages a few times, he doesn’t read them, doesn’t take that privacy from Sirius despite the curiosity burning him. 

“Uhhhh, yeah, 1:30 with Aaron Fletching-”

“Oh fuck me.” Sirius almost snarls then. 

“What?” Remus says abruptly. 

“Dude cannot keep his hands to himself. I hate him.” Something very close to anger flares in Remus’ chest and he has to take a deep breath before he says anything else. “Do I have anything else planned?” 

“Um.” Remus clears his throat, tries to stifle the anger there. “2:50 you have a phone call with Marina and then at 4 you have a report due on… what the fuck does that say? ” Remus squints at the cursive writing there and tries to break it up, “can literally anything about you not be posh?” 

“It’s a report on the financial year, I remember that one.” Sirius laughs, “hey, uh…” he trails off and Remus closes the book in his hands pulling it close to his chest waiting. “Do you think you’re staying for the day?” 

“Um.” Remus stares at the book. “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t even changed out of the pyjamas you gave me.” 

“I can grab us dinner? If you’d like, that’s why I’m asking. From that Indian place again?” Remus’ heart quickens alarmingly and he feels his face go hot. 

“Oh that’s really sweet of you.” Remus says softly. “We can, uh stick around, if that’s something you’d like?” What the fuck was he doing. He sounded like a schoolgirl. 

“Only if you want, text me closer to 5 and I’ll swing by. Make sure Teddy’s drinking water, give him another bath and at 1 he should be able to take some more of the medication. I’ll be home soon.” Sirius’ voice cracks a little bit, Remus’ breath is sharp. “Bye moons.” 

“By padfoot.” The line goes dead. 

Sirius

He drums his fingers across the table. Aaron eyes him, hands reaching across to cover up his own. 

“I’m glad you could fit me into your schedule.” Aaron smiles charmingly. Sirius forces himself not to throw up on sight. 

“Of course, Aaron.” Not Dr Fletching as he had insisted they used first names, less business like. Sirius lets him hold on for a moment more before pulling his hand back and picking up his napkin to lay it on his lap, hands curled together under the table. 

“I know this time of year is rather busy for you.” Aaron tilts his head slightly, Sirius nods. “So I wanted to offer a little stress reliever.” He calls over a waiter, ordering some bottle of red and Sirius really hopes that the ‘little stress reliever’ was not himself in the form of a date. 

“That’s very kind of you, but I can assure you we’re managing quite fine this season.” Sirius reaches for his glass of water.

“You always manage quite well don’t you? Quite impressive, I should say.” Aaron continues, “you’re a miraculous display of art Sirius.” Sirius nearly chokes. 

“That’s very kind.” Sirius bites out, digs his fingers around his rings, twists. He should’ve taken another pill before coming here. Aaron waves him off. 

“Just stating facts my dear.” Aaron eyes his hair for a moment and Sirius is reminded that it was still done up from the shoot. A kind of fishtail look this time, plaits coming up to join together. He wants to take it out, stop Aaron from staring at him like he was a meal he could order. This little game of theirs has been going on for three years now, ever since his name hit the magazine stands. No matter how many hints he has thrown that he was not interested, Aaron seems persistent. “So, my annual  christmas ball is happening soon, 20th of November to be exact,” Aaron continues, reaching across to brush a strand of hair from Sirius’ face, his hand lingering a moment too long. Sirius might actually be sick, he can feel that tight coil of dread in his chest. “I would like you and your team to be there, celebrate with us.” Aaron Fletching was yet another noble. His ranking sat closer to Euphema and Flemmonts, the kind of noble not to let it get to their heads, than Walburga. He used his money wisely, never manipulated, never hurt, ran his own hospital for the poor for crying out loud, yet he persisted in pushing into Sirius’ boundaries as if he owed him. “Your friends as well, of course. My staff will be there, an end of year celebration for a successful year of saving lives and spreading the word of bad.” And that was another thing he was always doing, comparing their two successes as if they were working together, as if they had helped each other. Sirius sighs. 

“As brilliant of an offer as it is, I would have to politely decline.” Sirius says carefully, Aaron’s eyes flash. 

“I haven’t even told you the best part yet darling.” Sirius’ eyes narrow. A waiter comes by to fill their glasses with wine. Aaron takes a careful sip thanking the waiter kindly. Sirius doesn’t reach for his glass. “This year we’re throwing a charity ball.” Aaron swirls the wine around, leans back, one knee over the other. “Of course we haven’t picked which charity. We can’t decide, you see, so I would like to offer you the position to do so.” Aaron’s smile is rottingly sweet, Sirius considers for a moment. “All details will be taken care of, you won’t need to lift a single finger on that beautiful hand, all you need to do is name one and I’ll sort the rest. A christmas gift so to say.” He tilts his glass towards Sirius. “Come now, drink up. Good wine and all.” Sirius reaches forward, not wanting to upset the man. “Of course, your attendance would be greatly appreciated.”

“And my staff,” he points out, taking a small sip of the wine, it’s bitter and tastes of ash. Sirius smiles politely and places the glass back down. 

“And your staff.” Aaron says evenly. “I can give you time to think darling, don’t want you stressing. I will need an answer before November however, so I would greatly-”

“Okay.” Sirius says, wincing at his own answer. A charity ball for Aaron to follow him around and flirt and try and dance with him- Sirius would rather pass. But Aaron knew him, knew where his heart lay. Knew charity work would always get his defences down. 

“Excellent darling!” Sirius doesn’t realise his hand is still on the table until Aaron has picked it back up and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “I cannot wait. Statement still stands, I need a charity before November. Be sure to save me a dance.” Aaron places his glass back down, cupping both of his hands around Sirius’. “I do need to dash now, lunch is already paid for, so don’t stress. I’ll see you then, darling.” And then he’s standing, pulling his coat on and walking towards the door, thanking any waiters he sees along the way. Sirius feels like he really is going to throw up as he digs around his bag for his pill bottle. 

Remus

The door handle is turning before he has time to remember that Sirius’ house was a mainstream hotspot for his collection of friends. His arm shoots out to cover Teddy’s sleeping body as if that was going to help protect the kid at all. When the door opens, and Remus is ready to yell at anyone who walks through, he’s met with Sirius looking all but exhausted. 

“Shit Pad’s, you scared the fuck out of me.” But he’s getting up and meeting Sirius halfway, taking the take out bags from him, and then his work bag and the keys and ushering Sirius to sit down on the couch where he was just sitting. Remus locks the door, drops the keys in the dish, sets the take out on the lounge room table and drops Sirius’ bag on the first step of the stairs, before coming to sit on the edge of the table staring down at Sirius. Their hair was different, soft curls tugged up into some kind of plait. It looks gorgeous, and again Remus is reminded of the comments he stifled through that morning. “You okay?” Remus asks softly, Sirius stares up at him for a moment before his head drifts towards Teddy, hand settling on Teddy’s forehead. 

“He’s okay now?” Sirius asks. 

“I followed your directions, he’s back to normal.” Remus tugs at Sirius’ hands, pulling him away from Teddy. “Are you okay?” Sirius stares at their linked hands for a long moment and sighs as if content. 

“Yeah, just a long day. Anniversary season.” He smiles up at Remus and lets his head fall back, before pulling it back up. “Fucking braids-” He drags his hands through his hair muttering when his hands get caught and Remus really can’t help but open his mouth. 

“Here, let me. Where’s your brush?” Because he had learnt a lot of things about Sirius Black yesterday. 

1. He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
2. He hated confrontation 
3. His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
4. He had far too much and far too little self confidence
5. He drank coffee like he needed it
6. Sirius Black liked helping people, liked protecting people, liked people
7. Saviour complex
8. Sirius would drop everything in favor of Remus
9. Sirius liked when he called them Pad’s or Padfoot
10. Their hair was ridiculously soft

“What?” Sirius asks, and Remus tugs his elbow until their hands are out of the braided strands. 

“I’ll take care of it, you just relax. Where’s your brush?” He waits as Sirius stares at him wide eyed blinking softly. 

“Up stairs.” 

When Remus slides back downstairs, Sirius has shedded his flannel and shoes, draped a blanket across his shoulders, and is sitting crossed legged on the ground in front of the couch. Remus settles behind him.  

“How was work?” Remus asks, pulling out the ludicrous number of bobby pins that were set in his hair. 

“You want to talk about work?” Sirius asks, leaning back ever so slightly. 

“I want to talk about whatever’s gotten you into your anxious frenzy.”  Teddy shuffles next to them and they both freeze waiting for him to wake. When he doesn't, Remus goes back to Sirius’ hair. 

“I’m not anxious.” 

“Sirius.” Remus says, and that’s all he needs to do because Sirius is sighing and babbling in a moment. 

“Aaron just… got to me. Kept touching me, I can’t say no, he can’t catch a hint. Lunch was awful. ” Remus tugs at the hair tie at one of the plaits carefully, pushing down the simmering anger he had felt earlier. “And then he springs this bullshit Christmas ball on me - to which you have to attend by the way - and when I said no, mentioned it was for charity. So now I look like an asshole for saying no so I said yes. And now I have to pick the charity, as if there wasn’t enough on my plate already.” Sirius goes to run a hand through his hair and Remus bats his hand away. 

“And I’m attending because?” He tugs another hair tie out, finding another bobby pin under it. 

“Because all my staff are meant to attend, and friends. Because Aaron is desperate. Ow-” 

“Sorry it’s curled around,” Remus slows, carefully tugging the bobby pin out. “Continue.” 

“The shoot this morning was moved to first thing, something I found out as soon as I walked in - not to mention everyone arguing - so I’ve had the worst migraine all day because of this shit-” he gestures vaguely to their hair. “I haven’t eaten, there hasn’t been time. I’ve had six coffees, a sip of wine, and the accounting report was late because Andy screwed up the numbers so now the tax office is going to be on my ass.” Remus digs his fingers into Sirius’ scalp, he sighs, instantly leaning back. “That’s- that’s helping.” Sirius mutters. 

“Good,” he runs his fingers through Sirius’ hair digging his nails softly into their scalp before pulling the brush up and -  starting from the bottom - starts to brush the knots out. “Your hair really is soft.” Remus mutters then, and Sirius leans back into Remus’ touch. 

“How’d you know how to do this?” Sirius whispers. 

“Lily.” 

“Lucky. She should have introduced us sooner, hoarding the best Masseur out there.” The word rolls off Sirius’ tongue in a light lilt, and Remus stills. “Please don’t stop.” Remus continues working the knots out. 

“You speak French, right? You mentioned that before.”  

“Oui Remus, je parle français.” Remus’ breath hitches, he drops the brush, instead returning his hands to Sirius’ head, massaging his scalp. “Do you like that?” Sirius laughs, “Je peux continuer à parler, Remus, je ne sais pas à quel point la conversation sera géniale.” Remus digs his fingers a little deeper into Sirius' skull. “That feels so nice. Do you speak anything?” 

“Dw i'n siarad ychydig o Gymraeg - agus beagán Gaeilge.” Remus replies, feeling his mother’s eyes on him the very first time he learned his first phrases. 

“That sounds nice.” Sirius hums. “What is it?”

“Welsh and Gaelic.” Remus replies, lightly pulling the strands of hair behind Sirius’ ears. “Mam was Welsh, Father was Irish.” 

"Walburga, was French.” Sirius offers, “Orion was English, drove him up the wall when she went on her rants.” Sirius bites his lip then, Remus can feel the tension in his jaw, he lets his hands float down to his shoulders, pressing into the muscles there. “What did the two of you talk about?” Sirius whispers. 

“Who?”

“You and Walburga.” Remus’ hands still. 

“Just… your childhood. Her opinions on you, all awful things.” Remus says carefully. 

“What did she say about me?” 

“Sirius- I really don’t think that’s a good thing to talk about right now, you’re just calming down-”

“I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want you to believe- I can’t help- I don’t want to be corrupted in your mind.” Sirius’ head dips down when Remus meets a tender spot by his neck. Remus sighs.

Sirius 

He wished there was music playing, or something on the tv, or the fire was lit. He doesn’t want to have this conversation without background noise but he had to. Ever since she showed up at his office, it’s been there at the back of his mind ebbing away. 

“She said you became quite rebellious after meeting James.” Remus’ fingers carefully kneed into the base of his neck, fingers cracking softly. Sirius waits. But nothing follows. 

“And?” Remus sighs.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea.” Remus says softly. 

“Moony please.” And Remus sighs again, hands curling around his shoulders, pulling at them, easing the tension there. 

“She told me that you and Regulus were close, that after he was sent to school she moved your rooms to opposite ends of the house.” That had been hard, but they managed to stay by each other's sides. “She told me that you had potential, Orion didn’t see it but she did. That you were a fast learner.” Sirius bites into his lip, Remus’ hands curl around his jaw until he lets go. This was- this was strange, his heart quickens. Remus’ hands return to his shoulders. “And then we talked about how hard it was for her to raise you two.” Remus says quickly. 

“You’re leaving something out, I can hear it in your voice.” He wants desperately for there to be some kind of background noise, other than Teddy’s soft snores. He pulls back then, turns so he can look up at Remus, blanket curled around himself like it would protect him. Their dinner was getting cold, but he needed to know. Remus’ face flushes. 

“I don’t think this-”

“ Please. ” Sirius can feel that buble back in his chest, the ache. Remus stares at him for a long moment. 

“She said you got into drugs, that when you left you left them at her house. That Regulus overdosed.” Sirius can feel the tears slip down his cheeks before he realises he’s crying. 

“Is that why you avoided me afterwards?” Sirius’ voice is small, he feels pathetic. “Because you think I almost killed my brother?” 

“What? Sirius! No !” Remus curls his hands around his wrists when he goes to cover his face. “No Sirius, Pad’s no .” Remus is falling off the couch then, all but into his lap, long legs stretched around them, fingers tugging until Sirius is looking at him, tears streaming down, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “That’s not why.” 

“That’s not the reason? But you were ignoring me.” Remus stills, Sirius doesn’t know what to do. Remus hands curl up his arms, to his elbows. Reaches his shoulders, digs into the muscle. 

“I was… confused. I had just had a very long meeting with a very bad woman, I had a lot of information to dissect.” Remus hesitates, and then his hands are there, wiping Sirius’ tears for him. Sirius leans into the touch. “I was just having a bad day, Sirius, you didn’t almost kill Regulus. That was his own-”

“It wasn’t .” Sirius sobs, curls into himself and Remus is pulling him close until they are wrapped around one another. “She- the priest. Tom Riddle. It was all a cure-” he sobs. “Drugged us, in our own home.” Remus’ hands still, Sirius sobs. “Hooked us up to machines, played punishments over and over- Regulus being beaten, Regulus being hurt- drugged up like it was all real.” He’s sobbing hard, and Remus pulls him closer, hands now running up and down his back fervently. 

“Shh, shhh, you don’t have to-”

“I never, would never ,” Sirius sobs. “Wanted to cure us of homosexuality, of talking back, reminding us why we were the children and them the adults- I left- Reg came out they almost killed him.” Sirius  sobs, “they almost killed my baby brother because I had left and they couldn’t hurt me anymore.” Remus holds him tighter. 

“Shh, I believe you, you’re okay.” Remus soothes and if anything Sirius sobs harder. 

“Never-” he takes a deep breath, “I’ve never mentioned this. To anyone.”

Remus

If he thought his world was crashing when Walburga had told him Sirius was on drugs, then that was merely an earthquake, a storm, something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, because his world was certainly crashing now. 

“What?” Remus whispers. 

“Kept it close, here.” Sirius digs their fingers into his chest, grabbing the cropped shirt that was still on. “Didn’t tell anyone. No one. I can’t- I hate it, hate how badly it worked, how hard it rewired my brain. I can’t- that’s not what a mother should do.” Sirius pulls back, eyes softening. “And you- your father-”

“Sirius.” Remus says softly. “My father doesn’t matter.” He curls his hands around the side of Sirius’ jaw, swiping at the tears, if he ever saw Walburga again she was a dead woman walking. He would make sure of it. “You’ve messed up your hair, Pad’s,” Remus runs a hand through the locks, fingers getting caught on a knot. Sirius doesn’t seem to care. 

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius mutters, Remus wipes away more tears. 

“You’re more than okay lo- Padfoot.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. What the FUCK was he doing? Teddy stirs on the couch. “You’re safe, you’re here, she can’t hurt you anymore.” What was he about to call Sirius? Had Sirius caught on? 

“Siri ‘kay?” Teddy sits up, hands curled against his eyes, and Sirius scrubs at his own face, drying his eyes and plastering on a big smile. 

“I’m all good, bud.” Remus frowns at him, Teddy stares. 

“No.” Teddy crawls across the couch, “tears.” He points at Sirius’ face, and then he’s crawling down into their laps, hands pressed against Sirius’ sternum. “Hug?” Teddy offers, Sirius’ face falls, and the tears are back instantly, shoulders hunched together. “No cry! Is okay Siri. Have us.” And Teddy leans forward, wrapping his small arms around Sirius and Remus himself is on the verge of tears. Sirius wraps his arms around Teddy, hands cradling his small back, holding on for dear life. Remus lets his hand rub up and down Sirius’ arm. 

“You’re okay.” Remus says softly, Teddy hums in agreement, “I’m so sorry that happened to you, but you’re here now, made it out. You’re making a world of difference, and like Pup said, you have us. We’ve got you.” Teddy hums again, and Sirius curls more around him, like he was trying to protect him. 

“Petite famille.” Sirius mutters, pulls back, pushes his hands into his face and sighs loudly. “Work was so bad.” Sirius mutters. Remus laughs then. 

“Big emotions,” he whispers to Teddy and Teddy nods wide eyed. “Hungry?” He asks the pair of them and they both stare up at him. 

When they’re settled, Sirius between his legs, brush in his hands as he - again - takes care of Sirius’ hair. Teddy sat next to Sirius, the both of them eating and a movie Remus doesn’t recognise playing on the tv- and only then- he realises how much he craves this, how much this feels right, the three of them, falling into something mimicking a family. 

And only then does the guilt start to eat away at him.

Chapter Text

Sirius 

Wednesday morning has Remus avoiding him. 

And he feels so overly emotional about it that it takes up every waking thought in his mind. They had said goodnight and their goodbyes shortly after the movie had ended. Remus offered him a hug - something that Sirius had all but latched onto - and that was it. But now, sitting at the conference table, morning coffee in hand, watching Remus exit the elevator and head straight to his office - no hello, no good morning - has him thinking that yes Remus was definitely avoiding him. 

When he tries to catch him on his way to Evan’s interview he’s ignored again, and when Remus comes back, exhausted and pulling a mug from the kitchenette in the corner, and heading up to the roof, again, with no acknowledgement to him, Sirius thinks that maybe he my’s seriously fucked up - that telling Remus everything he did has scared him off. The one thing - the one thing - he didn’t want happening. He had felt safe, in the moment to finally let it go. Felt that he owed Remus that after he had told him about his parents, felt that maybe - maybe they understood each other. 

Maybe he was wrong. 

So he busies himself with work. Pulls files from last year and draws up connections, goes over the edits they had made together, the photos, the layouts, organises more interviews - Evan’s fitting appointment, his shoot - then Barty’s - then a group one - and he keeps going and going and going- 

“Coffee.” Remus says, offering him a mug. It’s 3 o’clock, when did it become 3 o’clock? “You haven’t moved all afternoon, thought you needed it.” Remus squeezes his shoulder and then heads back to his office. Sirius follows. 

“Why are you avoiding me?” Sirius blurts. Remus looks at him then.

“I’m not.” Remus packs up things into his satchel, moves some files to his out box, settles in the chair behind his desk opening his laptop. 

“You-” but Sirius doesn’t know how to continue. 

“I have a migraine.” Remus says, gesturing to the very dark room, blinds, door, lights all shut off and closed, “and it hasn’t gone away, and yes that is a side effect of my condition. It’s an autoimmune disease. I can’t stand light and I can’t stand noise right now.” Sirius feels instantly like an idiot. “Last night didn’t scare me off, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Remus’ face softens. 

“I…”

“Pad’s, go get your things, sit in here with me?” And Sirius feels the anxious ball in his chest ease almost instantly. 

Remus

Okay so he was a liar. 

Last night terrified him, but not for the reason Sirius was thinking. And not for any reason that seemed rational. His migraine just so happened to be the perfect excuse to not have to be around Sirius, and true to his word, it wasn’t going away. Sirius walks back in, making sure to close the door as softly as he can - Remus has to hide his smile behind his hand - and settles into the armchair, pages spread across their lap. Remus looks down at the webpage, scrolling through some comments. Sirius’ pen scratches across his pages, it’s peaceful, it’s so bloody peaceful and domestic and his mind wanders back to last night and the conversation James and him had and he hates that. His phone goes off. 

Poppy: 

Hi Remus, just wanted to remind you about Minerva’s and I’s anniversary this Friday, make sure you still remember I can’t look after Teddy! 

Remus’ heart sinks, that was this weekend? 

Remus:

Of course! Enjoy and happy 20 years! 

She had told him, of course, two months ago, he had it circled in his calendar, how had he forgotten? 

“What's wrong?” Sirius was looking at him, Remus looked up from his phone. 

“Sorry?”

“You have the ‘my life is falling apart' face on.” Sirius gives him a pointed look and Remus groans. 

“You're- you're so annoying. Has anyone ever told you?” He snaps. 

“Yes you did, two nights ago and then promptly told me to put you in your place.” Remus’ eyes narrow. “So I'm right then, your life is falling apart.” Sirius tilts his head. Remus sighs. 

Sirius

“Teddy's babysitters canceled.” Remus admits. 

“What babysitter?” Sirius closes the files in his lap, pushes them onto Remus desk. Remus leans back. 

“Poppy? She brought Teddy here last Friday.” 

“And you still trust her with him?” Sirius says instantly. 

“Yes.” Remus snaps. “On Fridays, the extra hour I work means Teddy's alone for an hour so I have to hire someone to take care of him. I don't trust anyone else.” He looks away then and Sirius wants him to keep looking at him. 

“I'll take him,” Sirius offers easily. Remus laughs. 

“Sweet. But you do realize we work for the same company?” He gives Sirius a pointed look and his heart kicks a beat. 

“Cute but I have a huge office with enough art supplies to keep an entire class of kids busy for an hour.” He pushes, anything to help the man in front of him, anything to keep holding onto whatever the fuck they had going on. Remus looks uncertain. 

“I don't know.” He says carefully, drawing his laptop closed, leaning over it ever so slightly. 

“You trust me, no?” And Remus looks away then. 

“How would he get here?” Yes, yes he trusted him.  

“Call your sister.” Sirius jumps, “swap seats in the morning, and then afterwards you can come over and swap them back, everyone’s coming over Friday anyway, you’re included in our little get togethers-”

“Sirius.” Remus says evenly. 

“Let me do this for you? You'll be in the same building as him, you're a floor away. Anything happens I'll call you straight away. Not that anything would happen that is.” Sirius quickly amends, “Ted’s has gotten used to me, it won’t be a shock.” Sirius almost pleads. 

“Okay.” Remus sighs, pulls his phone back out. Sirius’ heart skips a beat. 

“Okay?” Sirius presses. 

“Yes okay Pad’s, you can look after Teddy for an hour, and I’ll come by after work. Let me text Lily before you get your hopes up.” Sirius can’t help the smile, he was getting this. Understanding this, understanding them, he was being let in, he was being-

“I’m sure she’ll say yes.” He says absently as his own phone goes off. 

Narcisssa:

Okay so Remus doesn't have a ton of social media, anything he does have is private. But I asked around, and I did my research and I can confirm he is definitely queer. Though to what degree I’m unsure. He lived in Warwickshire, there’s an article about his father’s church and another of him being kicked from a highschool when he was caught with a boy. 

Sirius:

He was expelled?

Narcissa:

It was a private religious school, apparently that’s frowned upon

He got moved to a public school, Evergreen

Sirius:

That’s lily’s old school

Narcisssa:

Funny that

Sirius’ heart skips a beat, maybe there was a chance- maybe they could be more. 

“Brillante.” Sirius mutters, missing the look Remus gives him. 

Remus

When Friday rolls around he’s anxious. 

And more so the angry kind of anxious in which he’s ready to get up and leave the second something goes wrong. And he knows that something might- Teddy was, well Teddy was important to him. More so than anything else. So when he’s packing overnight bags for them - having a tendency to fall asleep at Sirius’ and not wanting to keep having to borrow clothes - he can’t help the shake in his hands. He places the bags by the door, makes sure Teddy’s finished with breakfast before cleaning the bowl out and he waits. Waits for the bad thing to happen, so he can lash out and have it be justified. Teddy was aware of how today was going to go, and despite his usual distaste for plans changing, routine changing, he had beamed up at him with excitement. Remus’ heart had soared. 

“Pup.” He says when Teddy’s walking out of his room, school bag on, asthma pump in hand, Teddy looks up at him with wide blinking eyes. “I think you're the most important thing that has happened to me in this life, you know that?” Teddy’s eyes water for a fraction of a second before he’s running forward clinging onto Remus. It had been hard, trying to understand each other, trying to figure out how to communicate, even now Remus still treaded water carefully, hoping his words were never unheard or misread. The church incident had been the hardest to navigate,  even now he was scared as to how to help Teddy heal. 

“Important to me too, Remmy.” Teddy says softly and Remus wants to cry, but they’re on a time schedule and he had another shoot first thing in the morning to attend. 

Sirius is waiting for him when he parks his car, Remus smiles. 

“Morning Moons.” Sirius says as he walks across the carpark to him. 

“Morning,” he digs around the boot before offering a bag to Sirius. “Teddy’s books and toys, if he has a breakdown, or is tired, or needs comfort-”

“I have raised a kid before.” Sirius cuts him off, taking the bag carefully and swinging it up onto his shoulder. 

“Okay but you haven’t raised Teddy. He’s different, Sirius, different from Harry and Luna. He hates the light, certain foods, sometimes he can’t tell you what’s wrong but it ruins his whole day. He has all these - these sensory issues I guess? And you have to figure it out, and he can’t communicate what's wrong. After school he’s different, tired and exhausted and quiet - and it’s not because he hates you but because - well I don’t actually know.” Remus sighs and Sirius keeps staring at him with understanding eyes, full attention on him like a burning fire. “And it’s hard, I don’t know what mood he’ll be in, but you’ll have to figure it out, and that stuff will help.” He grips onto his cane, locks the car and heads for the elevator, “and I’m a floor below, you need to call me if something’s wrong, call me if he can’t settle down - he has signs, if he’s digging into his knees, or banging his hands against something he’s in distress. He needs familiarity, he needs to know it’s okay, that complicated emotions don't have to mean physical pain. Our parents did a downright number on us, we were neglected - or at least I was. But if Teddy had to go to church I bet he was neglected as well. We didn’t get to learn how emotions were meant to work, not like the rest of you - so he needs to know it’s okay it’ll pass.” Remus takes a deep breath. “Please call me.” Remus says then, looking down into Sirius’ eyes. 

“I promise I will call you the second I notice anything.” Sirius says earnestly, and Remus sighs. 

“Thank you Pad’s.”

Sirius

By the time the afternoon rolls around Remus is a downright mess. Spilling coffee and messing up notes, and Sirius would laugh if he didn’t know this was so important to him. He waits with Remus in the lobby, Remus pacing back and forth in front of the elevator, Sirius sat in a chair. 

“Sit down.” Sirius says then, when Remus is on his fifth lap. Remus looks over to him and continues to pace. Right. Sirius gets up, picks Remus’ hand up carefully and all but drags him into a chair. “What’s wrong?” Sirius crouches in front of the man, looking up and waiting. 

“He’s never been in someone else's care, except for me, Lily and Poppy. What if he freaks out?”

“Then I will call you.” 

“What if he hates it?”

“Then I will call you.” He repeats. 

“Sirius-”

“You can’t coddle him, Remus, you won’t be there every step of the way, what are you going to do when he’s an adult? Walk him to and from work? Live together forever?” Sirius tilts his head. “Or year seven of Hogwarts? Where he gets a dorm room and has to stay there? Move in with him?”

“Why did you have to say that?” Remus groans, hands coming up to hide his face. Sirius latches onto them, tugging them back down. 

“Okay, I was trying to make you laugh, not stress you out. You need to get him to try different things, he has to become more familiar with life. Like you said, you and him were neglected. He has no idea how this world works, you have to help him out.” Sirius says, running his thumbs along the backsides of Remus’ hands, like he had so many times for Sirius. Remus looks down at their hands then. 

“I know that, I do. But he’s-”

“He’s different, yes, so we ease him into this. It’s not like I’m a stranger. He gave me a hug two nights ago, that has to mean something. This isn’t going to be as hard as you think.” The elevator opens and suddenly a very energetic toddler is running full speed at them. 

“Siri!” Teddy says happily crashing into Sirius who drops back on the ground, Teddy on top of him. 

“That’s. Well new.” Lily laughs. 

“Hi Siri!” Teddy beams, “can we go play?” He tilts his head like a small puppy and Sirius suddenly understands why Remus calls him pup all the time. “Harry and I did art today! Do you like art?” Teddy’s hands are moving through the air as he talks and Sirius gives Remus a pointed look. 

“See. Fine.” Sirius says. Remus narrows his eyes at him. 

“Remmy!” Teddy squeals, clambering off Sirius to climb up into Remus lap. “Have good day!” 

“Did you?” Remus asks kindly, Lily walks over to drop the booster seat by Remus’ feet. 

“Hi Uncle Siri-us, hi Uncle Rem-us!” Harry says waving as he swings his legs hoisted on his mother’s hip. 

“Hi buddy.” Sirius pulls himself off the floor. 

“Hi Harry.” Remus says, wrapping his arms around Teddy as he bables about his day.

“Everything okay?” Sirius asks Lily. 

“Just need to get this one home and in the bath. Pete’s going to be late tonight as well, caught up with a client.” She leans up to hug him. “Teddy’s taken a nap already, he fell asleep after art. So don’t worry about that, and he only ate half his lunch so he might be hungry.” She’s speaking to both of them, like they were some sort of coparents, something in Sirius’ chest beats faster. 

“Pup.” Remus says looking down at the boy, “I thought we were trying something new?”

“Don’t like fruit.” It tumbles out as froot and Sirius smiles softly. 

“Did you even try it?” Remus gives him a pointed look. Teddy ducks his head. 

“Slimy!” Teddy pouts. 

“I tried, gave him a fork and everything but he wouldn’t touch it. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your work day, see you boys later.” Lily leans down to hug Remus and then calls the elevator back. When she’s gone Teddy jumps from Remus’ lap and carefully offers his hand to Sirius. 

“Remmy doesn't want me lost.” It comes out as losth. Sirius picks up the hand. 

“Well we won’t have that happening, now will we?” Sirius says carefully, pressing the call button on the elevator as Remus stands up, he goes to grab the booster seat but Sirius beats him to it. “Cane.” He says pointedly and Remus grumbles picking the stick back up and ushering them all into the elevator. 

“You’re going to be good for Sirius right? No fights, no tears, just for a little bit.” Remus says looking down at Teddy. 

“Yes Remmy!” Remus bites into his lip. 

“Where’s your asthma pump?” He asks then. Sirius frowns, that hadn’t been on the list of things. Teddy digs in his pockets before showing the small device. “He takes two, and then two more if his breathing doesn't return to normal.” Remus says taking the device and slipping it into Sirius’ jeans pocket. Sirius stills. “He usually can manage, but if it’s a bad attack you’ll have to help him.” Remus squeezes his shoulder and he relaxes . The doors to the conference room open and Remus takes a careful step out. “Just. Call me, yeah?” 

“I’ll call you moons.” Sirius says as the doors slide closed, and suddenly he’s left with a kid he knows nothing about. “What are we doing today, Ted’s?” Sirius asks, swinging their hands back and forth. 

“Art?” Teddy looks up at him with wide, unblinking eyes and Sirius smiles. 

“Course.” The doors open and Sirius guides Teddy to his office, Teddy’s eyes somehow widen. 

“Wow!” He says excitedly ducking out of Sirius’ hold and up to the book shelves. “So many.” He digs through titles, “Remmy loves reading, can Remmy borrow?” Teddy asks, pulling books off the shelves into his tiny arms and dumping them onto the table, curling up on the couch and pulling the books back close. 

“Remus can have whatever he wants.” Sirius says earnestly, he places the car seat next to the bag Remus had given him that morning. He had already set up pencils and markers and paper on the table, Teddy eyed them curiously. “Those are for you as well.” Sirius settles on the ground beside the table, pulling his own pile of files up with him, a pen in his hands, “you can draw whatever you’d like, okay? I have to do my own project though.” Teddy eagerly jumps off the couch, stumbles - in which Sirius’ heart spikes - and settles in front of the table pulling markers into his hands. 

“Art!” He says happily, scraping the markers across the pages. “I’m gonna make for everyone.” Teddy says then, excitedly. “Remmy likes wolves- Jamie likes spidey, Aunty Lily likes Aunty Mary! What does Barty like?” Teddy looks over at him, wide eyed, and Sirius is about to say alcohol before he stops himself. 

“Barty likes snakes.” Sirius says then, Teddy pouts. 

“Slimy.” But he picks up a green marker, working through the paper. Sirius highlights a chunk of text, adding notes into the margins.

“What does Mar- Mar-leney,” he sounds out the words. “Leny like?” And Sirius snorts. 

“She likes soccer.” He says then, Teddy’s eyes sparkle. 

“Like Jamie!” Teddy digs through the markers, Sirius works through his page. “Reggie likes… Jamie?” 

“He does,” Sirius snorts, “he also likes cats.” Teddy digs out more markers. Sirius moves to the next page. 

“Petey likes…”

“Petter likes drawing, like you.” Teddy’s eyes sparkle. Sirius notices the collection of drawings across the table. A picture of Lily, Teddy and Mary all holding hands, hearts and flowers drawn around the three of them. A picture of Spiderman with James’ unruly hair. A picture of a cat with a love heart around it, a picture of what he assumes is a grey wolf, snot and tail similar. There’s a soccer ball, and a little stick figure with a sign that says ‘go LEnnY’. A snake curled up in the centre of the page. Teddy’s drawing another two figures, one with golden blonde curls and the other with yellow strands, a collection of colourful sticks between them. Sirius’ heart aches. 

“Dorcy?” Teddy asks, a blank page in his hands. 

“Dorcas?” Teddy nods eagerly. “She likes… She likes sunflowers.” Teddy bites his lips and digs out a yellow marker. Sirius abandons his work, watching Teddy colour and draw instead. 

“Loony likes Rabbits, and Harry likes treacle tart, and Draco.” Teddy whispers the last part and sketches outa a stick figure with a red tart in his hands. “And Evan likes Barty.” Teddy pulls yet another page close. 

“Evan also likes TV, and Coffee.” Teddy’s eyes widen, and starts drawing out a couch, two stick figures - one with black messy hair and one with the palest yellow he can manage - coffee cups in hand. 

“Panda likes magic.” He’s drawing out Pandora in a wizard’s hat, wand in hand. “And Siri likes Remmy.” Teddy says absently and he chokes. 

“Sorry?” Teddy tilts his head. 

“Siri likes Remmy!” He’s already drawing two figures on the page, their hands linked together, hearts around them. There’s a smaller one between the two of them, blonde curls and all. “Remmy comes to Siri all the time, and Siri takes care of Remmy. Siri likes Remmy!” And he doesn’t want to burst Teddy’s bubble so he doesn’t. Eyes glued to the page as Teddy offers it to him. “For you!” I can confirm he is definitely queer. Though to what degree I’m unsure. You’re so annoying you know that? “ I want to keep telling you all these things, all these deep personal things because you make it seem okay to do so.” Remus grabs onto his hand like it’s a life line. “Listen to me,” Remus says, shuffling until Sirius' head is against his chest. “In and out, yeah?” Padfoot. Pad’s. Sirius. “Coffee.” A soft voice says crouching down in front of him. He looks into honey warm eyes. Another strand is dropped down his face and Remus stands, carefully brushing it aside, fingers ghosting across his cheeks. You trust me right? Okay. Let’s do that then. His arm across Remus’ waist, Remus’ hand curled around his neck. “ But you don’t hate me.” He’s almost unsure as he says it. “Would be so much easier if I did.” Remus sighs. There’s a hand held out to him, palm up, small black inklings pressed into porcelain white skin. Remus looks up to stare directly into Sirius’ silver eyes, he smiles, honest, open, happily, for the first time in a while and slips his hand into Sirius’. Meeting Sirius halfway, taking the take out bags from him, and then his work bag and the keys and ushering Sirius to sit down on the couch where he was just sitting. Remus locks the door, drops the keys in the dish, sets the take out on the lounge room table and drops Sirius’ bag on the first step of the stairs, before coming to sit on the edge of the table staring down at Sirius. “I’ll take care of it, you just relax. Where’s your brush?” Remus digs his fingers into Sirius’ scalp, he sighs, instantly leaning back.

Sirius was undoubtedly fucked. 

Remus

When Six rolls around he’s up and ready to jump into the elevator, but it opens before he can call it and Teddy - holding onto Sirius’ hand - smiles up at him with a bundle of papers in his other hand. Sirius has his bag swung up on his shoulder, the hand not holding onto Teddy’s curled around the booster seat, looking all the part of a parent. 

“Hey,” Remus breathes out, instantly the anxious knot in his sternum evaporating. 

“Hi Remmy!” Teddy beams up at him and Sirius shuffles to let Remus into the elevator. “Siri let me draw!” 

“Teddy helped highlight my work.” Sirius adds. Remus smiles at the pair of them, his heart all but melting. 

“Glad you both had a good time.” Remus says softly. The doors open and Sirius leads them to his car, waits for Remus to unlock it before he pulls the back doors open and sets up the booster seat. Remus doesn't know how to tell them they don’t have too. 

“Going to Siri’s now?” Teddy looks up at him. 

“Have to go home first Ted’s, get changed. We’ll walk like last time?” 

“I can pick you up.” Sirius offers, pulling out the car, booster seat now set in place, he offers his hands to Teddy who grabs at them and Sirius helps him up in the car, clipping his seat belt in. 

“It’s not that far of a walk, ten minutes at best.” Remus says, opening the boot to drop his bag into it, pulling the one from Sirius’ shoulder. 

“But your knee.” Sirius says. 

“We did it last time.” Remus points out. 

“Hands in,” Sirius tucks Teddy’s hands back into the car, swinging the door shut. “I’m not gonna force you, but offer stands.” Sirius says, closing the boot for him and opening the driver seat. “See you later Ted’s, don’t forget your drawings.” Sirius says warmly, closing the driver door once Remus is settled. Remus watches them walk away in the rearview mirror, hop into their own car, start up and drives out of the gates before he remembers that he also had to leave. 

“What did you and Sirius draw?” Remus asks, flicking on the stereo pulling out of the lot. 

“Everyone.” Teddy hums, legs kicking, a sign of peace. It was small things, small little things that helped Remus. He looks at him in the mirror. 

“Everyone?”

“Mhm!” Teddy smiles, pulling at the pages. “Favourites.” He shows a drawing of a grey wolf. “For you!” Remus’ heart soars. 

When they walk up the steps to the townhouse, Remus doesn’t hesitate, simply turns the handle and pushes the door open, letting Teddy run in, pages in hand. Regulus and Barty are by the counter, drinks being poured already. 

“Hi Ted’s,” Regulus smiles. 

“Uh-uh, go bother Remus.” Barty says pointing at the kid, “not my- oh what’s that?” Teddy’s holding out a page to him, wide eyed. Remus shuts the door behind him, toes off his shoes. “Did you draw this?” 

“Snake! Favourite!” He’s shuffling pages before another one is produced and hands it out to Regulus. “Kitty!” Regulus’ eyes water. 

“Oh that’s very sweet of you.” Regulus takes the page carefully. 

“Where’s Jamie?” Teddy tilts his head. 

“Upstairs bud.” Teddy beelines and Remus follows, watching as Barty pulls the picture close to his chest. 

“Jamie!” Teddy calls, and James pops his head out of Sirius’ room. 

“There’s my spider man friend! Hey bud!” James crouches down to his height, offering up a highfive which Teddy takes up instantly. He produces a page. “Oh what’s this? Did you draw this?” James looks down at the paper. 

“You! Favourite!” Teddy beams. 

“Wow buddy, that’s rivaling some of Reggie’s work.” He says, “we should frame it!” Teddy’s eyes widened. 

“Really?” James nods, popping open the office door. 

“Of course, come help me find a frame.” James gestures to the door.

“James?” Remus asks, “where’s Sirius?” James gestures to the bedroom door. 

“Careful.” He says, and then ushers Teddy the rest of the way into the office. Remus knocks on the bedroom door, before turning the handle. 

“Hey Pad’s.” The curtains are drawn closed, there’s a lamp on the side table, the only light in the room. 

“Hey moony.” Sirius is standing shirtless in front of his wardrobe. Remus feels like he might be intruding. He keeps his eyes level, ignoring the patterns of ink down Sirius’ back masking silver scars there. 

“You doing okay?” Remus takes a careful step forward, Sirius turns then. There’s more silver scars running down his chest, Remus instead focuses on the silver eyes. 

“Clothes.” He gestures vaguely, picks up a pill bottle shakes some out, swallows them dry. “Can’t decide, too many options- are you staying the night?” Sirius asks, eyeing the bag on his back. 

“Sorry? Oh- uh, just in case. As kind as it is to lend me clothes, none of anyone’s really fit?” Sirius’ eyes widened, “just didn’t know where to leave it.” Sirius takes it from him instantly, setting it down on his desk. 

“You’d end up in here anyway.” He mutters before he falls back into his bed. Remus stares at him, before sitting down carefully on the edge of the bed. 

“You gotta get dressed.” He points out, Sirius frowns. “What about that suit thing?” Remus asks then, looking around the room for the article of clothing. 

“Suit?” Sirius asks, Remus stands dragging his hands through the wardrobe before he latches onto the denim playsuit. 

“This,” Remus turns to show it off, “looked nice on you.” He adds, Sirius sits up. “I can do your hair?” Remus adds and Sirius jumps off the bed, taking the article of clothing from him and leaves. Remus settles down on the bed, looking around the room. There’s one of Teddy’s pages on their nightstand, Remus picks it up carefully. 

It’s a picture of them. 

All three of them, hands linked together, hearts everywhere. Remus’ eyes water. And again he’s taken to the other night- to Sirius holding him as they danced- to the market- to the park- helping him find Teddy- waking up next to him- to every small moment they shared together and he has to push that all away, all of it. Because it was selfish. Sirius was his friend, and that was all. He was like Lily. Weakened his boundaries and walls and all that ungodly stuff until it was just him left and that was all. He wouldn’t let anything else come from this because it was wrong . He was wrong.

“I found my brush, I don’t know what you’re planning to do.” Sirius opens the door and Remus shoves the page back against the nightstand and then he’s staring because he really understood why the comments went feral over Sirius fucking Black. Sirius stares back and Remus clears his throat, gestures to the ground where they settle eagerly, and Remus takes the brush, working through the curls. 

“Do you not brush it?” Remus mutters, when the bristles tug on a tougher knot. 

“I do! It’s curly and long, it just tangles.” Sirius goes to run a hand through their hair and Remus bats him away. 

“I’m sure.” But he works carefully, loosening the knots until there are none, works his fingers through Sirius’ hair until their shoulders ease, pulls a band that’s offered to him from Sirius and starts to pull at it until his hair is set in a half up half down look. Sirius tilts his head all the way back to look up at Remus then. 

“Thanks Moony.” Sirius breathes, and it’s so domestic- too domestic. 

“Anytime.” Remus says, running a hand down Sirius’ neck working at the muscle there on instinct. Sirius’ eyes flicker close, head tilting until his face is pressed into Remus’ thigh. 

“Want a drink?” Sirius asks after a beat. Yes, anything, anything to get me away from you and my uncontrollable hands. 

“Sure.” 

Sirius

He’s not sure, but he thinks Remus is avoiding him. 

He’s pushing through the crowd from person to person, chatting and smiling, drink in hand. Looking over at Teddy every now and then, and everytime Sirius gets close he moves to the next person, so he could be avoiding him. Or Sirius could be over thinking. Both were very valuable options. 

“Pad’s!” James calls, “Barty’s being clingy.” Sirius looks over then, Barty has an arm swung around Jame’s shoulder.

“Oh come on pretty boy,” Barty mutters, “you’ve been following me around all night. Now it’s an issue?” Sirius laughs, walking over to the kitchen. 

“I was following you because we were talking!” James pushes Barty onto Sirius. “Where’s your boyfriend?” James narrows his eyes. 

“Weed run?” Barty shrugs, pulls himself off Sirius and hops up on the counter. “And you’ve been talking, I’ve just been listening.”

“Talking about what?” Lily chimes in, sliding to open the fridge pulling out another drink. 

“DBT homework.” Barty says, “at a party, like come on .” James bristles. “You have my number, any other day would be preferred.” 

“You don’t respond.” James points out, brings his drink to his mouth and finishes it in one go. 

“James.” Lily tuts but then she’s being whisked away by Marlene who’s dancing terribly out on the floor. 

“Barty?” Remus asks, and Sirius spins then to eye the man. 

“Yes my love,” Barty tilts his head so he can stare at Remus upside down, something like anger flickers in Sirius’ chest, “I might be more drunk than I thought. My apologies. Yes Remus?” 

“You’re fine,” Remus snorts, “can you make- I don’t know what you were giving me last time, but can you make that again?” Remus tilts his head, Barty hops down from the counter, pulling a bottle of midori off the trolley. 

“Of course.” Sirius doesn’t know how to talk to Remus now, but Remus is looking everywhere but at him. 

“James, are you still drinking the same?” Remus asks, leaning forward over the counter, chin slotted on his palms. 

“As always!” James drops the bottle into the bin and pulls another out, “easier to manage.” He says then, “unlike Barty who’s lost count.”

“Hey!” Barty snaps, garnishing the drink with a bit of mint, “there you go- I drink to have fun, not count.” He points at James, “consequences for said actions are for tomorrow Barty.” Remus picks up the glass, takes a sip and only then do their eyes meet. Remus raises an eyebrow. 

“You good Pad’s?” Sirius - like Barty - had lost count, but he’s still somewhat sober. Even so it doesn’t stop his racing thoughts, definitely queer, definitely queer, definitely queer-

“Peachy.” Remus frowns then, doesn’t say anything else, slips away to the balcony and Sirius is met with the idea that he has fucked up. 

Remus

Sirius joins him. 

Because of course he does. And Remus can’t get up and walk back in now, because he’s half way through his cigarette and that would then solidify the idea that he was avoiding them. 

“Hey,” Remus greats, taking another drag. 

“Deja vu, didn’t you ask me at the last party if I was avoiding you?” Sirius settles in the other chair, looks at him pointedly. 

“I’m not avoiding you,” only he is, he really is because how was he supposed to act now that he was aware of what he wanted but couldn’t have?

“You’re an awful liar, you know that? Your eyebrow twitches all the time. What did I do?” Sirius takes a large sip from his cup, Remus frowns. 

“What makes you think you did anything?” Sirius gives him a pointed look. 

“Because everything that goes wrong is my fault.” Remus takes a sharp breath. 

“If I can’t flirt with death you can’t talk down upon yourself.” Remus says firmly, hands shooting out to grab onto Sirius’. “Promise me.”

“I-” 

“You haven’t done anything Padfoot. Nothing.” Remus says earnestly. “Stop blaming yourself for things that go wrong.” He leans back then, letting go, picks his cigarette back up, breathes in - and then without thinking - offers it to Sirius. Sirius, who takes it instantly, as Remus thought he would. 

“Well what’s wrong then?” Sirius presses. 

“Nothing.” 

“Eyebrow.” Sirius points out. 

“I’ll shave them off.” Remus threatens, though he knows the muscle would still twitch. Sirius laughs then. “Nothing I’d like to talk about, later maybe?” Remus takes a sip of the green concoction Barty had made him. 

“Will you stop avoiding me if we don’t talk about it now?” Sirius passes the smoke back over and Remus takes the last of it before putting it out, he sighs as he gets up, offers his hand to Sirius. 

“Well come dance with me then.” Remus only has to wait a moment before Sirius is grabbing a hold of him. 

Sirius

It’s not long before the entire room is crowded with everyone dancing, music playing, songs he doesn’t recognise. Remus holds onto him determinedly though, swaying and pulling and dancing and the works, and Sirius lets him do whatever it is he likes, because he’s looking at him. 

“Barty!” Marlene squeals, as she hoisted up into the air, but she spreads out, arching her back and legs and looks all the picture of elegant. 

“You never hold me like that.” Evan pouts and Marlene is promptly dropped, Evan being hoisted up instead. 

“Having fun?” Lily calls over the music, Remus meets her with a wide grin. 

“Always!” And Sirius’ heart melts . 

“Kids are up stairs having a nap.” Lily says then. “So let’s have FUN!” She raises her glass up. “Shots!” She chants, and Barty looks over in interest. 

“Oh no, not again .” Peter throws his hands up. “Nu-uh we lost Barty last time!” 

“I was outside on the concrete, calm down Petey.” Barty ruffles his hair, Remus slows them. 

“I have that photo!” Remus is digging through his pocket and Barty is darting forward, snatching the phone from him. 

“NOPE!” And then he takes off for the kitchen and Remus lets him, laughing as he runs away. They move slowly to the kitchen as Barty starts to pour, Evan helping him, Remus stays warm by his side, hands linking together. Sirius leans in, until his head is slotted against Remus’ shoulder. Remus lets him. 

Remus 

They’re sitting on the couch, people dancing around and watching a movie whilst the music still plays, and Sirius’ arm is swung up around the back of the couch, fingers ideally playing with the collar of his jumper. Remus can’t think straight. He’s drunk more than he should have honestly, a round of shots turned to five and his one drink turned to six, and so he’s sitting on the couch. Leant into Sirius’ personal bubble, and enjoying the moment, giggling at things he knows isn’t funny, and rambling like a lunatic everytime he’s asked a question. He had swapped to water an hour ago, feels somewhat more in control of his mind..

“Remus!” Marlene falls in front of him all giggles and bright eyes. 

“Marlene.” He says, takes one sniff of the air and knows that yes Evan was out on a weed run. 

“Remus- Rem’s, Remus .” She has her hands flapping around. “You’re so cool, you know that? Like so fucking cool. I love that you’re here. Lily always goes on but here you are in the flesh! So fucking cool.” She’s giggling as she says it and Remus laughs. “And Teddy! What an honest to god sweetheart, did you see the picture he drew me? Like drew for me what an angel.” 

“You’re high, and drunk.” He points out. 

“So? You’re still cool sober!” She leans forward, he leans down. 

“You need water.” He points out, she blinks. 

“But then the fun stops. I can’t be the first to sober up, I have to destroy Barty!” Remus raises an eyebrow. 

“Shall I go get you another drink then?” He asks, she nods and nods and nods. He gets up leaving Sirius behind and heads to the kitchen where he fills a glass with water and slots a lemon wedge on the end of it. “There you go.” He says when he comes back to the couch, Marlene has taken his spot, hands up on Sirius’ chest as she babbles. Sirius is nodding along, laughing. She grabs at the drink, downing it one go and Remus smirks. 

“Thanks, I knew you were so cool. Keep coming by- text me back as well!” She thrusts her phone to him, “you never respond. Look at the cute puppies!” She shoves her phone a little closer to him, “look at them! And you just ignore them, you monster .” Remus stills. There’s tension in his shoulders instantly. But Marlene’s giggling and falling all over Sirius and Remus prays that he can get away before he lashes out. So he pats her hand, slides the phone onto the coffee table and heads up the stairs. 

Monster . 

He checks in on the kids, Harry’s bed had been pulled out, the three of them bundled up under the soft covers. 

Monster . 

He lets the door click shut, opens the bathroom door instead. 

Monster .

He’s staring at his face, the scars, pulling his jumper down until the cross imprinted in his skin is looking right back at him. 

Monster.

He digs at his flesh, at the stupid marking, until it bleeds. 

Monster.

He feels the pews under him, the tiles under his knees, feels small in his childhood bed. 

Monster .

Feels hands reach for him, feels the words of the bible leak out his mouth as he quotes hymns. 

Monster.

Feels the eyes on him the day after he got caught kissing a boy, feels the hard slap of his fathers’ belt, the skin breaking at contact.

Monster.

A sudden movement, hands not stopping, the belt slapping across his face, again, again, again, until there’s too much red. 

Monster .

Feels his fathers words breathed hot against the back of his neck, hair fisted in his fathers hand as he head is pushed down, back arched up-

Repent-

He slams the counter. Hands curling over porcelain, runs the tap. Sprays water on his face. It was wrong. It was all wrong. He needed to- needed to repent. Where was the closet church? Where was- 

There’s a knock on the bathroom door. He opens it. 

“Moony?” Sirius’ voice is small, hands clasped together, rings turning this way and that. Remus eyes him carefully before taking a deep breath, letting out the tension. 

“Hey,” Remus reaches forward, hands curling around Sirius’ to stop the shaking. “Hey, you alright?” 

“I heard a bang, are you? ” Sirius asks. 

“Just… a bit much.” Remus admits, Sirius looks down the stairs and then to his bedroom door. 

“Come on.” Sirius tugs and Remus follows. The door shuts behind them and Sirius keeps tugging him until they’re laying down on his bed, music playing softly from his phone. 

​​Take a look at yourself in the mirror and cry 

Take a look in the mirror and cry 

Lord, what you're doing to me? 

(Yeah, yeah) I have spent all my years in believing you 

But I just can't get no relief, Lord

“Want to talk now?” Sirius asks, turning to face him, face pressed into the pillows. Remus lets his eyes slip shut. 

“Not really.” He manages. Sirius picks his hand back up. 

Somebody (Somebody) 

Ooh, somebody (Somebody) 

Can anybody find me Somebody to love? 

Yeah

“Do you ever feel like there’s a piece fundamentally wrong with you?” Remus asks, letting his eyes fall back open. The curtains around the bed have been drawn shut. “Like something broke in the making. You’re meant to be alone because you can’t handle being important to somebody?” 

“No.” Sirius admits, “I feel like something broke in me- yes. But I feel like it just helps me help those around me better.” Sirius tilts his face a little closer. “Helps me connect with deeper levels of pain than my own.” Remus’ breath is sharp. 

I work hard (He works hard) every day of my life 

I work 'til I ache my bones 

At the end (At the end of the day) 

I take home (takes home) 

My hard-earned pay all on my own 

(Goes home, goes home on his own)

“But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be around people. Just means that I have to learn how to handle situations a little better.” Sirius says softly. 

“Well that’s good. I guess.” Remus admits, “I’m glad you have that. I don’t think I’ll be able to have that.” He sighs then, “I’m a monster Sirius.” 

“Don’t say that.” Sirius' response is quick and hot. “Don’t, Remus- Moons, no. ” 

“It’s true.” Remus breathes. 

I go down (down) on my knees (knees) 

And I start to pray (praise the Lord)

 'Til the tears run down from my eyes

“I just. Corrupt things, people, memories, status. I did it with my parents, look where that landed me?” Remus shudders. “My father hated what I was, thought he could beat it out of me, and when that didn’t work, thought he could take it by force. Use my body until I hated it.” Remus bites into his lip, “I destroyed his reputation, we had to move, new church, new home, new school.” He closes his eyes, “punishments didn’t stop, if anything they got worse. I have Lily worrying over me all of the time, ever since we were young, because I was too fragile to take care of myself. Took me into her own family, people who couldn’t understand me and now- Now you’re doing the same. I suck the life out of people.”

“Those aren’t your words.” Sirius is closer now, Remus opens his eyes. “Who’s words are those?”

Lord, somebody (somebody), 

somebody (please) 

Can anybody find me somebody to love? 

“Mam’s.” 

“And why the fuck are you still listening to her for?” Sirius asks, “She's dead Remus. You got out. She can’t hurt you anymore.” Their words are thick, slurred ever so. Maybe that was why Remus was rambling, rambling, rambling, the alcohol taking its toll on his brain too. 

(he works hard) everyday (everyday) 

I try, and I try, and I try

“But she was right.” Remus pulls back then, Sirius lets out a sound of protest. “She was right, I’m still- still this untameable beast.”

“She wasn’t right about a single thing. Healing takes time.” Sirius says fiercely, crawling until he’s right next to Remus again, looking down at him. “And you don’t even have to do it alone.” 

But everybody wants to put me down 

They say I'm going crazy 

They say I got a lot of water in my brain 

I got no common sense (he's got) 

I got nobody left to believe in

“I’m sick of being alone.” Remus admits. Breathes in sharp. 

“Then don’t be.” Sirius whispers. 

Somebody (somebody), 

somebody (somebody) 

Can anybody find me somebody to love? 

(Can anybody find me someone to love)

There’s a beat of silence, Sirius brushes curls from Remus’ forehead. Remus lets him. His chest is aching, the scars are burning at his skin. 

Got no feel, 

I got no rhythm 

I just keep losing my beat (you just keep losing and losing) 

I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright, he's alright) 

I ain't gonna face no defeat (Yeah, yeah) 

I just gotta get out of this prison cell One day (someday) 

I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Sirius leans down a little, hands curling around Remus’ jaw, thumb running alongside it. 

“I’ve got you.” Sirius says, and Remus lets out a sob. “I’ve got you moons. You’re not alone.” 

(Find me somebody to love) 

(Find me somebody to love) 

(Find me somebody to love) 

(Find me somebody to love) 

Sirius leans down more, and Remus lets him. Their lips a breath away. Sirius pauses and then lowers his head. And it’s so soft Remus almost doesn't think it’s happened. But then Sirius is moving, hands curling more firmly across his jaw, lips pressing more tenderly down on his own, Remus stills. 

(Find me somebody to love) 

(Find me somebody to love) 

Find me, somebody, somebody 

(Find me somebody to love) 

Somebody, somebody to love

His hand comes up, curls around Sirius shoulder. 

Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me 

(Find me somebody to love) 

Ooh, somebody to love

And he shoves, shoves hard until Sirius is off him, until he’s sitting up right, hand over his own mouth. Eyes wide. 

(Find me somebody to love) 

Find me, find me, find me somebody to love 

(Find me somebody to love)

Sirius stares up at him for a moment, a confused expression on his face, before his eyes widen. 

“Remus-” 

But he’s up, and pushing away the pillows and blankets trying desperately to get out. 

Anybody, anywhere, anybody, 

find me somebody to love 

Love, love, love, love 

Find me, find me, find me, 

Yeah

He picks up Teddy, still half asleep, grabs his house keys, says goodnight to everyone, leaves and doesn’t look back. 

Sirius

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Remus 

He calls out Monday. 

Not because he's avoiding Sirius, but because he's sick. It just so happens to be a happy coincidence. Sirius tries calling him three times that morning and Remus lets him go to voicemail each time, ignoring the texts that follow through. It's only when Narcissa’s name pops up on the screen does he answer. 

“Hello?” He coughs. Narcissa is whispering something before her voice is bright down the line. 

“Hey Remus, running late today?” He frowns. 

“I called in sick,” he says softly. Eyes feeling heavy. 

“Oh? I don't see a request-”

“I ran it past Alice. Sorry I'm used to having to go to her.” Remus amends. 

“Oh! Right. All good then- no I'm not a carrier pigeon - any clue when you'll be back?” Narcissa asks down the line.

“Hopefully tomorrow. Just didn't want to get anyone else sick.” He coughs again, throat itchy and sore, pulls the blankets up around his shoulders a little tighter. 

“Alright. Rest up Remus! We need our editor and friend back!” And then the line goes dead. He feels sick for an entirely different reason. 

Lily had picked up Teddy early that morning, had run Remus’ temperature for him - to which it was sitting at a normal number and they had both sighed in relief at the fact that he didn’t have a fever -, told him not to stress himself out, just rest. He hadn't told her about the kiss. He hadn't told anyone at all. He pulls himself out of bed. His head was spinning slightly. Stumbles into the lounge, pulls the fridge open, tries and muster up his appetite. He closes the fridge. Pours himself a cup of coffee and heads back to bed. 

Sirius 

He has to apologise. 

Had to let Remus know he read the room wrong, read him wrong. That he was so fucking sorry. That he didn't mean anything by it- only that he meant everything by it. Was hopeful enough to mean everything by kissing him. That he had been wrong. But Remus doesn't respond to his texts all Sunday. And he doesn't pick up his calls on Monday. And he's not at work. Smiling and drinking coffee with him and he thinks maybe he's really fucked this. 

He didn't need Remus in a romantic sense. It was reckless to have wanted that. To have kissed him at all and every part of him wanted to blame it on the alcohol but he knew he was still somewhat sober. He didn't need Remus in a romantic sense. But he needed Remus. Needed Remus in his life in anyway he could get him, and having him home sick, was not helping the anxiety building a fucking dam in his chest. 

“Sirius,” Narcissa snaps, “presentation.” He looks up at the room. Right. 

“We've reached our half halfway point.” Sirius says gesturing to the bored. “We have three more weeks to write, draft and edit before we need to start working on the final.” Again he gestures to the calendar behind him. “Furthermore we have been invited to a charity ball in Aaron Fletching's name.” He clicks the slide. “All of us are expected, each allowed a plus one. Please use it wisely.” Sirius clicks again. The slides end. He sits down. Biting into his lower lip until he can taste iron. “Thank you.” He manages. The room springs to life. 

Remus

There's a knocking on his door. His head is spinning and the door keeps knocking and he doesn't know what to do. So he pulls himself from his bed and marches over to it, snapping “what.” At the figure. James stares back at him bewildered. 

“Hey moony.” James says. Remus’ eyes narrow. “I uh. Brought soup. Lily told me she was worried. I offered to come by on my break.” And instantly Remus’ eyes soften and his face falls and he steps back to let James in. 

“You didn't have to.” Remus mutters sniffling as he falls onto the couch, pressing his hands against his eyes. 

“What are friends for?” James places the plastic bag on the table digging around his kitchen for what Remus assumes is a bowl. “Can I call you moony? Or is that a Sirius thing?”

“You can call me moony.” Remus laughs, his chest aching. 

“You can call me Prongs. That's what Lily calls me anyway.” He comes back with a bowl opening the container to the soup and pouring some into it. “Have you eaten?” He passes the bowl to Remus. 

“No.” 

“Perfect! Mum made it. Just picked it up.” James says, “secret cure from childhood. Don't ask me what's in it. She never reveals.” James stares at him kindly and Remus takes a mouthful of the soup. “She is very protective of her tupperware though, let me know when I can grab them back.”

“Oh that's actually amazing.” He takes another mouthful and another, only now realising how starved he really was. The spices burn his tongue in a pleasant way.

“You left pretty suddenly the other night. Don't think I got to say goodbye. You all good?” James leans back against the couch and Remus coughs. 

“Uh. Yeah.” Remus nods, downing another spoonful. 

“Pad’s is right. Your eyebrow does twitch.” Remus frowns. He's going to kill Sirius Black. 

“He talks about me?”

“Only all of the time.” James laughs. “You should've seen him when you kept denying him your promotion. Bothered Lily about it and talked Regulus’ ear off.” Remus frowns. 

“We kissed.” He whispers. And he's not sure why he's talking about it. James sits up straighter. 

“That's great!”

“I shoved him off me and ran away.” 

“That's less great Moony.” James tilts his head. “Have you spoken to him?” Remus takes another mouthful of soup. “Remus,” James sighs. “No wonder they were angsty all morning.” James eyes him carefully. “Do you not feel the same way?”

“I don't know.” And he didn't because kissing Sirius had felt right, amazing. And just as suddenly as that happy warm feeling filled his chest, he felt like a monster all over

“Well tell them that, or that you're not interested. Or that you're not ready for a relationship. You can stay friends. I know that's important to you. They'll understand. You've somehow become very important to him.” James says earnestly and Remus hums and takes another mouthful of soup. 

Sirius

He checks in with Lily on his break. She calls him as soon as his text is sent. 

“He’s fine, he’s just sick.” Lily says down the line. Sirius is up on the roof, the roof which he and Remus shared all the time. He takes a drag of his cigarette. “I sent James over with soup.”

“Are you sure?” He asks. 

“Yes Sirius, listen, I don’t know what happened between you two at the party, but Remus is literally just under the weather-”

“We kissed.” Sirius cuts her off, face contorting. Lily doesn’t say anything. “We kissed, and he pushed me off, I thought it was mutual. I really fucked up Lil’s.” 

“Oh Sirius .” She says softly. “I’m sure you two can talk this out. Remus is quite fond of you.” She says.

“I’ve been trying, but he won’t text me or call me back. I need to apologise, Lil's, he told me about his father- I don’t want to be like him.” Sirius slides down the wall, “I don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing him, taking things away from him.”

“Sirius Black.” She snaps then. “You are nothing like that man, do you hear me? Nothing. What Remus went through was hard, unbearable, something no child should have to go through. He deserves love and kindness and to fall into silly crushes, and that’s it. Do you understand? You are not his father, you have not forced anything onto him, what you will force is him to lose you if you don’t talk to each other. Don’t let him lose you.” She softens her tone. 

“I’m- okay. Okay.” Sirius holds the phone tighter, lets the smoke curl up in his throat. 

Remus

He calls in sick again. Somehow feeling worse than the day before. Lily comes over to pick Teddy up again, helps him get ready for the day whilst Remus remains under the covers. She comes in to check on him again, lays with him whilst Harry and Teddy run around the lounge room. 

“He kissed me.” 

“I know.” 

“I pushed him away.” 

“I know.”

“I’m going to lose him.”

“You’re not.” 

And then she had left, taking the only life left in the house with her. He calls Narcissa, lets her know, he moves from his bed to the couch. His head is fucking spinning, his throat feels like it’s trying to rip itself out, he’s not hungry. James had left the soup in the fridge for him, he doesn’t touch it. He feels horrible all over. His joints were in agony, and he doesn’t know what to do. 

Sirius

He’s taken to writing a letter. 

Well an essay would be a better word for it. He could get Lily to drop it off, have Remus read it, let him decide where they were going to sit. He writes, and writes, and writes, and suddenly it’s time for work and all he can think about is Remus. So he writes during work, he keeps going until he has apologised in every way he knew how, signs the end, seals it in an envelope, tries to focus on work, and instead keeps thinking, thinking, thinking. He takes another pill, pours himself some coffee, sets up for his interview with Evan. Is so fucking grateful for the recording afterwards because his notes are atrocious. 

He has lunch with everyone else, picks through a salad and a protein smoothie. Tries to believe that he hasn’t just lost Remus over a fucking drunken kiss. He doesn’t text, doesn’t call, Remus doesn’t either, and that’s fine. Because he’s written a letter, all 12 pages of it. And it was going to be fucking fine. 

Remus

Lily stays the night. Cooks for both Teddy and Harry, tries to get him to eat, but anything he does manage to get down makes his stomach roll so it’s quickly abandoned. She checks his temperature, holds his hand whilst they’re curled on the couch watching a movie with the kids, tries to keep him optimistic. 

“Sirius asked me to give this to you.” She whispers into the night, they had moved to his bed. Soft moonlight trickled in through the window. 

“I don’t want it.” Remus says, face contorting. Whatever was in that letter was only going to hurt him. And it wasn’t like he was going to be able to read it anyway, his eyes couldn’t focus. 

“Remus.” She sighs, and Remus rolls to look at her then. “He’s trying.” She tucks the letter onto his windowsill. 

“I know.” Remus whispers. 

“It was just a kiss. A drunken one at that, he wasn’t thinking straight, he didn’t mean anything by it.” He hesitates. 

“What if I wanted them to mean something by it?” She stares at him for a long moment. 

“Do you?”

“I don’t know.” She runs a hand through his hair, pushing his curls back and presses a kiss to his forehead. 

“Then tell him that.” 

He calls out on Wednesday.

Sirius

He’s staying back when his phone rings. The number isn’t saved and it’s his personal phone so he ignores it. Focussing instead on his personal piece. Everyone else in the office has already left, the lights off, chairs pushed in. His phone rings again. He sends it to voicemail. He stares at his journal, at the jumbled thoughts there, pushes his hands through his hair trying to come up with something new. When his phone rings again , he answers. 

“Hello?”

“Is Siri?” Teddy’s small voice echoes down the line. Sirius panics.

“Ah, yeah, yes. Hi Teddy, what’s wrong?” How did you get this number, how are you calling me, what are you doing? Where is Remus?

“Remmy needs a hug.” Teddy says and Sirius almost laughs.

“Okay Teddy. Well why don’t you give him a hug?” Teddy huffs. 

“He doens’t need me. He sent Aunty Lily away, and Harry!” Sirius stills. What?

“What do you mean?” 

“He wouldn’t eat, she cried, he told her bye bye, he’s really sick Siri.” Sirius frowns. 

“Does he know you’re calling me?” Teddy is silent. “Ted’s.”

“No.”

“How are you calling me?”

“Home phone! Remmy and Aunty Lily showed how. In emergency. Found on paper, your number. It worked!” Sirius laughs then, actually laughs. 

“Ted’s, maybe you should call Lily. Remus doesn’t want to see me.”

“Fight?” Teddy asks. 

“Yeah bud.” Sirius admits. Teddy huffs again.

“Siri like’s Remmy!” Teddy protests. “Remmy comes to Siri, Siri helps Remmy. Help Remmy!” 

“I know bud. But Remus doesn’t want me there.” Sirius sighs, closing his journal. “You need to call Lily back, do you want me to call her for you?”

“Want Siri!” Teddy cries, and there’s a thump in the background. 

“Teddy what’s happening?”

“Siri likes Remmy! And Teddy! Why not come?” Another thump - he has signs, if he’s digging into his knees, or banging his hands against something he’s in distress. He needs familiarity, he needs to know it’s okay, that complicated emotions don't have to mean physical pain.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Teddy take a deep breath for me yeah?” Another thump. “Ted’s-” Sirius panics,  Remus was going to kill him. He stands and grabs his coat, helmet and keys, “Teddy deep breath in, and out.” He’s walking out of his office, calling the elevator, his heart racing. “I’m coming over, Teddy. Can you tell me where you live?”

Remus

There’s a knock on his door and he doesn’t have the energy to get up and answer it. Nor the strength. His body was aching and protesting with the very idea of having to keep itself together. His knee was in agony and no amount of his medication was working. Then he hears a voice. 

“ No, no you’re okay, hey, hey enough yeah? You’re fine, I'm here.” 

“Remmy!” Teddy snaps. 

“Yes, I’m here for Remus, but you need to calm down.” 

Remus frowns at the wall ahead of him. There’s soft murmuring and he thinks that maybe James has come back for his tupperware, but then his bedroom door jiggles open and he’s met with silver eyes. 

“Hi.” Sirius says softly. “I’m so sorry, Teddy called and he sounded distressed and he was doing that thing you told me? Hitting things? I just- wanted to… check in.” Sirius isn’t looking at him. Teddy is sat up on his hip, fingers curled around his mouth, face flushed. 

“Remmy sick.” Teddy says and Remus closes his eyes in frustration. 

“‘S fine.” Remus mutters, “Pup that was for emergencies.”

“Is!” Teddy cries, “sent away Lily and Harry haven’t left bed!” 

“I’m fine .” Remus tries, really fucking hard to sound sure of himself. 

“Remus.” Sirius says softly, and he wants to fucking sob because what the fuck. What the fuck do you mean Sirius came running because he was worried about them? “I’m-” But he doesn’t finish that sentence. 

“Go.” Remus says, “go ‘s fine.” 

“Did you catch what Teddy had?” Sirius takes a step into his room.

“From walking!” Teddy says. 

“Walking?” Sirius turns to Teddy. 

“Home, after the party, it rained. My immune system is fucked so I got sick, and when I’m sick my joints play up. I can’t walk.” Remus watches Sirius’ face fall. 

“I did this?” He whispers. Remus’ heart lurches. 

“ No. I did- I did this to myself.” Remus tries to assure him, presses his eyes tightly closed, wishes beyond god he could stand up without being in the worst pain he’s ever felt. 

“Teddy, where's your room?” Sirius asks then, Teddy points and they both leave. When Sirius returns, it’s with a glass of water in one hand and a box of pills in the other. “Cold and flu tablets, Lily says you’re meant to be taking them, sit up.” Sirius still isn’t looking at him. Remus doesn’t move. “Please?” 

“I can’t .” Remus mutters. Sirius frowns, places the items on the nightstand and then wraps his arms around Remus’ middle. “Siri-” but they’re tugging Remus up, shoving pillows behind his back, leaning him up against the wall like it was the simplest thing ever. 

“Better.” He pulls out the sheet of tablets, pops out two and presses them into Remus’ hands, Remus slides them into his mouth with great difficulty. Sirius raises the glass for him to drink from.

“You can go now.” Remus says after he swallows the pills. Sirius doesn't though. Instead he crouches next to the bed and finally finally looks at Remus. 

“What else do you need? Teddy said you haven’t eaten.” 

“I’m fine.” Remus says, gripping the bed sheets when his head spins. Sirius looks unconvinced, Remus doesn’t blame them. 

“What’s your temperature?”

“Normal. Lil’s has been checking.” Sirius nods. 

“Doctor?”

“Not an option.” Sirius doesn’t press the matter. 

“I read that a bath can help? A hot one.” Sirius says then. Remus frowns. “With your joints? They recommended epsom salts.” 

“I thought I told you, you were banned.” Remus points out, tilting his head, ignoring the pain in his chest that Sirius had been thoughtful enough to try and learn how his condition worked. 

“Do you want me to run you a bath?”

“Why are you doing this?” Remus says then, takes a deep breath. “Don’t you hate me?” Sirius stills. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Sirius stands then, looms over him. 

“At the party- how I reacted-”

“Remus I should be the one asking that- after all you’ve been through, after all you’ve told me and I still - I didn’t even ask. I read the room wrong. I’m so fucking sorry-”

“What? Sirius?” He wants to reach out, grab him, calm him down, do something, “what are you talking about? I ran away and now I’m sick. I worried you, and James and everyone!” 

“I kissed you Remus, right after you told me all that horrible stuff about your father and the others. I shouldn’t have- I should’ve thought better. Faster. Stopped myself.” 

“I accept your apology.” Remus says hotly, and then takes a deep breath. “I’m not- I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship- or even looking for one.” He coughs, his body shaking with the effort, doubling over. Sirius grabs him instantly, holding onto his waist and patting his back, and Remus is so grateful for the support. “I can’t. Not yet, maybe not ever.” Remus says when his coughing slows down. 

“That’s so fine, that’s more than fine-”

“I still want to be friends. I want to go back.” Remus says quickly, cuts them off. Sirius’ entire body relaxes around him, he can feel it, his shoulders drooping, his hands stilling, his head ducking down to press against Remus’. 

“Thank fucking god.” Sirius says then and Remus laughs, actually laughs and then he’s coughing all over again and Sirius holds him, runs his hand down his back, waits for him to be steady. “Thank the stars I should say.”

“We can, we can go back right?” Remus asks then, softly. 

“Of course we can, anything for you.” And Remus feels his heart ache . “Let me run you a bath?” 

“I can’t get to it.”

“I’ll help you.” 

Sirius

Easing Remus into the bath takes a lot of effort. Not only was he taller, but he was weak due to being so ill. His entire body was shaking, his face pulled into a horribly pained expression when they had to bend his knee, and it overall takes much longer than it really should. But once he’s settled into the water, he relaxes and Sirius feels accomplished. 

“I’m gonna run out, get you some cough medicine.” Sirius says, sitting on the stool by the tub, they had stripped him down to his boxers, his clothes thrown across the room in a mess. The scars didn’t just end at his face and wrists, but ran in jagged patterns across his whole torso, down his waist, up his forearms, all awfully jagged and silvery pink. Sirius still thinks they’re gorgeous. There’s a cross burned into his shoulder, and Sirius wants to ask but doesn’t. “Is there anything else you need?” 

“Can you just make sure Teddy eats?” Remus whispers, running a hand over his eyes, Sirius gets up and flicks the lightswitch off, instead lighting a candle by the sink. 

“He didn’t eat with Lily?” Sirius asks. Remus shakes his head. 

“Didn’t want to when I couldn’t.” 

“Can I… can I take him with me? Have him pick something out to eat? Would that be easier for him?” Remus stills and then with great difficulty says:

“Yes.” He looks up to Sirius then, “but you’ll need to take my car, booster seat.” Sirius smiles. 

“Sure you don’t need anything else?” Remus shakes his head. 

Teddy is quiet on the drive. He had asked for ‘orange’ and Sirius hadn't known what that meant and since then he has been quiet. But when they park Teddy offers his hand to Sirius after Sirius had helped him out of the car and instantly Sirius had accepted. 

“What do you want for dinner?” Sirius asks, once they’re down the medical aisle. Teddy frowns, ducking his head to the ground. “What’s wrong?” Sirius asks, eyes gazing over the medicines for a moment more before he’s crouching down to Teddy’s height with a tilt of his head. Teddy doesn’t answer him, or look back up and Sirius bites at his lip. I don’t know what mood he’ll be in, but you’ll have to figure it out. Sirius looks around them for something that might be upsetting Teddy. He can’t find anything. “Can you… can you try and help me understand?” Sirius asks softly, Teddy digs a hand into his knee, Sirius’ frown deepens. “Are you… tired?” Teddy shakes his head. “Not hungry?” Another shake. Sirius looks around them again, there’s no one around. “Do you miss Remus?” Another shake. The tiles were bright white, the shelves illuminated with fluorescent tubes. “Are you sore?” Teddy hesitates before slowly nodding. “Where?” Teddy doesn’t respond. Sirius bites into his lip, racking his brain for everything he knew about Teddy. “It’s too bright in here.” Lily says then, “he hates the light, look for cupboards.” “Oh.” Sirius says then, digging through his pocket before he pulls out a pair of sunglasses. He had rode his motorbike that morning to work, needed something familiar to calm him down. He slides them onto Teddy’s face, laughing when they swallow his features. Teddy looks up at him blinking a few times behind the large frames. “Sometimes the light hurts me too.” Sirius smiles kindly before Teddy latches onto his hand and tugs. Sirius waits, another tug. “I don’t understand bud.” Teddy tugs again, before he places a hand on Sirius' side. “Do… Do you want me to carry you?” Teddy nods, and Sirius stands with ease swooping the small child up and settling him on his hip. “Know what you want for dinner?” Sirius continues on as if nothing had happened, Teddy kicks his legs back and forth. Sirius walks down the aisle, reading each label carefully. “What do you normally have?” Teddy shrugs, Sirius picks up a bottle. “Does Remus cook for you?” Teddy nods, “different things?” Teddy shrugs. He picks up a spray, moves from the aisle and the bright lights. “Do youuuu,” he looks around them, “want something warm?” Teddy nods, “do you like soup?” Teddy pulls a face, “does Remus?” Teddy nods. They stop in the canned product aisle. “What soup does he like?” Teddy scans the shelves carefully, frowning, “need more options?” He nods, Sirius walks them down the aisle. Teddy points excitedly when he recognises a label and Sirius picks it up. French onion. Sirius lets that sink into his file of Remus before focussing back on Teddy. “Can you carry this for me?” Teddy grabs the can eagerly. They continue down the aisles. “Do you want something with vegetables?” Teddy shakes his head, “something with meat?” A nod. “What about…” he looks around, “tenders?” They’ve ended up in the frozen section, Teddy looks at the products, shakes his head. “Pizza?” A nod. “What kind?” Teddy points and Sirius passes it over to him. “Think we should get Remus chocolate?” Teddy nods eagerly. 

When the apartment door swings back open Remus is on the couch, a brown cardigan pulled across his body and a pair of maroon sweatpants. His hair is wet, his shoulders shaky but  he’s upright. Curled into the crease of the couch. Teddy bolts for him. 

“Remmy look! All better!” He thrust the bar of chocolate they had gotten into his hands.

“You didn’t speak that entire time and now you have the energy of the sun?” Sirius laughs, letting the door click shut behind him. He toes off his shoes. “Ted’s shoes.” Teddy looks back to Sirius before running over and kicking his own off and joining Remus back on the couch. Remus looks at him curiously.

“And what, pray tell, is on your face?” Remus pokes at the glasses. 

“Siri gave! Bad lights.” Remus looks over to him then, a kind smile on his face. 

“Look at you learning.” 

“Look at you upright.” Sirius says back, comes to settle on the low coffee table, digging through the bag. “Here,” he presses the spray into Remus’ hand, “take four every hour.” Remus looks at it skeptically, but sprays it into his mouth anyway. “And this should help with the… everything else?” Sirius reads the label again, “hopefully.” Remus snorts. 

“Thank you Sirius.” Remus takes the tablet and swallows it. “Really… I’m. Not all that used to this.” Sirius smiles. 

“What are friends for?” He digs through the bag again, “Teddy wanted pizza, I hope that’s okay. And I got you soup. Good for colds.”  Remus hums and leans back against the couch. “I’ll just be in the kitchen, don’t pass out.” Remus hums again. 

Remus

He’s woken to a hand curled around his shoulder, shaking him softly. He blinks up into Sirius’ face.

“I literally said don’t pass out.” Remus pushes him away.

“Sorry.” He looks around, it’s dark, the lamp by the table is on, the curtains are drawn shut. He frowns. 

“Teddy’s been fed, he’s asleep now. Went to bed an hour ago.” Remus frowns. How long had he been asleep? “Three hours if you’re curious. Soups done.” He holds out a bowl for Remus. Remus swallows his pride. 

“Can you uh, can you help me up?” There’s a crick in his neck and his body felt sore all over, trying to get out of the bath had drained the last remaining bits of his energy. Sirius places the bowl down, offering his arms to Remus almost instantly, Remus curls his hands around his forearms. They tug, arm looping around his waist when they’re able to and slowly pulls Remus up so he can lean against the back of the couch. “Thanks.” 

“Are you feeling any better?” Sirius places the bowl of soup in Remus lap, Remus wants to laugh. 

“Worse if anything. The bath helped though,” he picks the spoon up, carefully raises it to his lip. “You picked my favourite. How closely have you been studying me?” Sirius’ face flushes. 

“Teddy helped.” They sit in silence as Remus, with shaking hands, manages the soup. 

“Thank you for doing this.” Remus says then staring down at the bowl. Truth is he didn't deserve this. None of this.

“What are friends for?” Sirius gives him the same response as earlier. 

“I'm sorry I couldn't call you back.” Remus says then in almost a whisper. “I'm sorry for stressing you out.” Because that was exactly what had happened wasn't it? He had fled, ignored Sirius, something Remus knew Sirius hated and had curled into himself, fixing the walls around him with enough nails to keep out anyone. And here Sirius was caring and looking after him as if nothing had changed. 

“You didn't stress me out Remus. I stressed myself out.” Remus puts the bowl down, turns a little so he can look at Sirius better. “I… well after you left I fell asleep almost instantly.” Sirius shrugs, “and when I woke all I could think about was your father and myself.” Remus’ eyes blow wide. “How similar we must have seemed to you-”

“Sirius-” 

“Just. Uh let me talk?” Remus nods, head feeling heavy. “I didn't mean to kiss you.” Sirius says and then pulls a face. “Well. I did. Because I really wanted to. But I didn't mean to do it without permission and I had thought. I mean. The way we were talking. It seemed like consent in my drunken brain, like we were both on the same page.” And they were. Remus had wanted to kiss him too, but that didn't stop the fact that it was wrong. That it was all so fucking wrong. He had felt like a kid again, hiding in the theatre room at school with a boy he barely knew, kissing and holding hands in the dark, getting caught and being told off, warning and sin being beaten into his skin. “And I do apologise for that. It won't happen again.” Sirius says Remus wants to object but he can't. “This whole time. I didn't want to be something you regretted. I understand you're a very private person, I understand there's things you can't talk about. Don't want to talk about. I understood all that, but that didn't stop the want from being someone you could have. And instead I felt like I screwed that all up. I hurt you, I acted like your father, you never healed Remus. You just buried that wound and I reopened it and I don't blame you for thinking us the same-”

“Sirius-”

“Please.” Remus closes his mouth. “I wrote this better in the letter.” Sirius fidgets with their rings and Remus leans across, hands curling around theirs. “I want you to know that this doesn't have to change anything, that I can keep my hands to myself but I don't think I can live without you being in my life. I don't know what it is about you but I care far too much, Remus. And I don't want to lose that.” Sirius isn't looking at him, Remus feels weak all over. 

“Done?” Remus asks softly. Sirius nods. “Sirius Orion Black. You are nothing, nothing like my father. And I need you to get that into your head because otherwise I can't be in your life.” Sirius' breath hitches. “I need you to know that you're important to me too. Too important to lose too. Which sounds ridiculous because you're my boss. But I want to be your friend.” And he swallows his pride again, “I don't want to give you false hope. But… I'm not ready for a relationship. It doesn't mean I won't ever be.” Sirius' breathing hitches again. “Don't. Don't think too hard about that. But. I'm glad you're here.” Remus squeezes their hand and Sirius rolls his palm up, interlocking their fingers. 

“I'm glad I'm here too.” Remus coughs lightly and Sirius' other hand is instantly on his back. 

He calls out sick Thursday.

Chapter Text

Sirius 

Remus walks through the elevator on Friday and he's so fucking relived to see him walking and in the flesh that he stops talking.

“Sirius?” Regulus asks down the line. 

“I have to go.” He hangs up. “Remus!” Remus waves, he's wearing a black mask over his face. 

“Morning.” Remus mumbles behind the fabric. “What did I miss?” He settles down on a chair and Narcissa launches into details. Sirius walks over to the kitchenette pulling out two mugs. When he's walked back over Remus is already on his laptop fingers flying across the keys. 

“Better?”

“Nope.” Remus pops the p, “but I can't keep taking days off so here I am.” He accepts the mug when Sirius passes it to him. “How was the shoot Wednesday?” Sirius settles into the chair next to him, pulling his own work open. 

“Loud. Everyone kept arguing but the photos came out great. Evan submitted his piece for editing as well.” Sirius watches the flicker of amusement filter through Remus’ eyes. 

“Already working on it.” Remus takes a long sip from his coffee. “How are you doing?” 

“Fine.” Sirius says easily and Remus gives him a pointed look. “Stressed out of my mind but it's fine.”

“Do you want to go out to lunch? Later? Have a break?” Remus offers, Sirius can feel that annoying thing in his chest kick.

“I'd love that.” 

Remus 

Sirius is practically buzzing with energy by the time 12 rolls around. He's halfway through Evan’s edit when Sirius starts drumming his fingers on the table, work forgotten. 

“You're that hungry?” Remus asks, doesn't bother looking over. Just keeps working. 

“Mhm.” Sirius mutters, they stretch their back, cross and uncross their legs, lean back and then hunch over the table again. Remus snorts. 

“Let me finish this and then we can go?” Sirius nods. “Figure out where you want to go if you can't sit still.” Sirius’ phone is in his hands in a second. Remus snorts again but continues editing. He gets to the last page before Sirius is rocking back and forth again. “Sirius,” Remus says then and Sirius stills, pulling his hands into his lap and reading over his journal. Remus softens. “Fine. Come on.” In an instant the man jumps and is racing to call the elevator. 

They end up at the Marauders. Apparently it's a little coffee shop attached to the art gallery that Regulus works at. Surprisingly James works at the coffee shop, which explains why literally everyone he knows gets their coffee from here. 

“Moony! Pad's!” James says cheerily, Regulus is sitting in one of the stools next to the counter, a sketchbook open in front of him. He offers a wave but turns back to the book. “What can I get you guys?” Remus pulls his coat tighter around himself.

“Black.” He says falling into the chair next to Regulus. 

“Iced?” 

“God no. It's almost snowing James.” Remus says with a laugh. Sirius settles next to him. 

“Salted caramel frappuccino.” James says placing the cup in front of Sirius before he has time to order. 

“You know me so well.” Sirius puts a hand over his heart. Regulus snorts. 

“I ordered it for you idiot, when you said you'd be here half an hour ago.” Regulus leans over Remus. 

“Blame Remus!” Sirius puts his hands up. 

“First day back at work and you're already throwing me over the edge?” Remus scoffs. 

“I'm blaming you. It's more fun.” Regulus leans back taking a sip of something inky back with too many ice cubes in it, snorting when Sirius flips him off. “You feeling any better?” 

“Yeah, I'm great.” Remus scoffs. “Never better. Could run a marathon and everything.” Regulus snorts. 

“You should call Panda. She'll have something that'll get rid of whatever in a blink of an eye.” James says, placing a warm mug in front of him. Remus takes a long sip. 

“Or she'll curse you for not texting her back.” Regulus gives him a pointed look. 

“I read that book you recommended to me.” Remus says then, lifting his mask to take another sip.

“You didn't even reply to my message!” Regulus says back. 

“Remus doesn't respond to anyone.” Sirius says. James places a plate of fries in front of them all and Regulus and Sirius dive for them. 

“Taking my break!” James calls across the kitchen, pulling his apron off and picking up a tray that he slots the food and everyone's drinks on. “Come on.” He walks them to a booth at the other side of the cafe, settling down and passing everything around. He’s pressed between a wall and Sirius’ side, James opposite him and Regulus curled into his side. “So. How's the anniversary going?” 

“James, we're on a break, can we not talk about work?” Regulus pouts, closing up his sketchbook.

“It's a nightmare. But I'll spare you the details.” Sirius says. 

“I'm enjoying it.” Remus shrugs, lifts his mask up to drink some more coffee. Regulus narrows his eyes at him. Under the table Sirius grabs his hand. Remus lets him. 

“There's no way.” Regulus says then. 

“When I worked at the desk it was boring, I guess. Didn't have much to do except scroll through the website and occasionally write something. But now there's something to do every second of the day, and if you're not doing something you're falling behind. It's great.” He shrugs again, running his thumb alongside the back of Sirius’ hand. 

“You're psychotic. Sirius is literally ripping at the walls at home.” Regulus says then, Remus tilts his face to look at Sirius. 

“That was once!” Sirius protests. Regulus raises an eyebrow. “Okay twice. But I was midst panic attack.” Remus swipes his thumb again and the tension in Sirius’ shoulders ease. 

“Well personally I'm enjoying work.” James says then, “were busier than normal so I'm not cleaning the same mug-”

“Lupin, what did you think of the book?” Regulus promptly cuts him off. James sticks out his tongue. 

 “Your taste is very distinct.” Remus offers. Regulus tilts his head but accepts, taking another sip of his coffee. 

Sirius 

Lunch ends far too quickly, and the rest of the day flies by in a blur, Remus catching up to date, and the pair of them consuming more coffee than should be possible. When Remus’ alarm goes off Sirius wants to do literally anything to keep the man there longer but it’s fruitless, Remus packs his things up, squeezes Sirius’ shoulder and slips away into the elevator. He drives home. 

Marlene is there again, curled up on the couch with a christmas movie on play. James and Regulus are in the kitchen cooking, Barty and Evan hanging on the balcony. Dorcas walks down the hall towards them all.

“No party tonight Black?” She has a basket in her hands, Sirius eyes it curiously. 

“Not tonight.” She raises the basket and falls back into the couch next to Marlene. 

“Well girls night it is. Evan! Get your ass in here!” She calls over her shoulder and Evan grumbles but slides in nonetheless. “Masks!” She pulls out a clay pot. Sirius smiles. 

Remus

He decides he’s going to text people back. Teddy’s drawing absently on the floor, surrounded by blankets and soft animals and pillows, Remus is curled on the couch, a glass of water by his side and more cold and flu tablets in his hand, and he decides he’s going to text people back. 

Marlene:

Look! At! This! Golden! Retriever! 

Remus:

I’ve always wanted a dog, I moved too much as a kid so I could never have one

He puts his phone down. It wasn’t a full lie, he was living out of his car for a year, then at Lily’s where Petunia was allergic, and the idea of any kind of pet when he had been living with his parents was out of the question. His phone chimes.

Marlene:

reMUS!! 

HI!! SEE YOU’RE STILL COOL WHEN I’M SOBER!!!1!!

We’re at sirius’ getting out faces done

It’s followed by a photo of Evan and Dorcas with their faces scrunched up, grey masks slathered across their features. Another comes through of her and Sirius, faces pressed together.  

Remus:

evan and dorcas look like they’re enjoying it

not 

Marlene:

They’re just sooky. Don’t worry they loveeee it

Barty’s refusing to do one though :(

LOOK!! Someone’s selling puppies near where we live!!

Remus: 

I don’t think any of of us have enough time to look after an animal

Marlene:

noooOOOO 

It could be like a communal pet!! Sirius could take it running, dorcas and I could cuddle with it at night, James could take it to my games, we could all share!!!

Remus:

The kids might get jealous that the attention is being taken away from them

Marlene:

Are you denying me my dream of being a fur mum Lupin??

Remus:

I’m saying you might want to think a bit more before running out and adopting

Sirius 

James has ordered pizza. What happened to the kitchen remains a mystery but when Regulus comes to sit with them, a frown on his face and something burning in the air he knows it's for the best. 

“I can’t even have my seafood pizza!” Marlene complains, “let’s order literally anything else, this is torture .” The clay mask is cracking around her mouth. Sirius laughs. 

“Literally everyone else wants pizza love.” Dorcas pulls Marlene close, “I’ll paint your nails?” And that’s all that’s needed  to shut her up. 

“He’ll be here in 20, Lily and Mary are on their way.” James all but falls on top of Regulus in the armchair, Regulus shoves him until he lands on the ground instead. “Rude.” Regulus’ phone goes off. 

“Mocktails.” Barty says as he places a plate down, “and no that does not mean I want a part of whatever the fuck you’re all doing.” He points at Evan, whose hair had been pushed back with a silk bandana, face caked in clay. 

“Barty you’re a killjoy.” Marlene says.

“It helps your pores!” Evan complains.

“What the fuck is a pore?” Barty snaps, and then they’re laughing and falling back into a comfortable silence. 

Remus

Regulus:

You should try darwins theory of evolution. 

Remus:

Much as it might come to a surprise I have actually read that one. His collection of essays right?

Regulus:

Yes. 

What did you think of it?

Remus:

His mention of everyone else’s essays was a bit distracting, but it was enjoyable. It’s crazy to think how far the world has come. 

Do you know about Lunar Moths?

Regulus:

The green ones right?

Remus:

Yep!

They’re born without mouths, their only purpose is to mate and reproduce, they live anywhere between 7-10 days. Seems quite a useless life.

Regulus:

Maybe to you, but they only get 7 days to make the most of their lives. It’s all they know. Every moment, minute, second,  must be important to them.

Sirius

Lily opens the front door and Harry sprints over to the table. 

“MASKS!” He says before promptly falling down into Dorcas’ lap and tugging at her hands until she’s applying a thin layer. 

“Hey bud.” James snorts. 

“Hi dad, hi papa!” Harry waves quickly before he’s tugging at Dorcas’ hands again. 

“Hey Soleil,” Regulus murmurs, he clicks his phone off tucking it away. “How’d you know we were doing masks?”

“Uncle Barty!” Harry sings as Lily and Mary make their way through the lounge to sit on the loveseat together. 

“I was making fun of you guys in privacy! Mary!” Mary laughs and shrugs. 

“Harry was curious, weren’t you love?” Harry nods and nods and Sirius smiles. 

“What colour?” Marlene’s holding a collection of polishes out to him and he stares before picking up a caramel shade. “Give me your hands.” 

Remus

Barty:

Not coming over tonight?

Remus:

Still sick, don’t want to risk it

Barty:

You do realise that this group has a ‘if i die you die’ mentality right? 

Remus:

Of course you lot do. 

How many drinks down are you?

Barty:

Oi, rude

I’ve made mocktails, it’s a self care and binge eating night

You should facetime, we could pop you up on the mantel

Remus:

Thanks, but pass

Sirius

When Pandora and Luna show up a little later, letting in the pizza delivery driver as she walks through the door, he knows what they’re in for. Panda has her cards and candles with her. 

“Who am I reading tonight!” She says waving her fingers as she drops the cards down onto the coffee table, crossing her legs behind it and straightening her back. “Barty, I haven't done yours this year yet.” She looks over at him and he slides his phone away.

“And we’ll keep it that way.” He gives her a look and she huffs. 

“Dorcas?”

“Sure.” James brings over the pizza, crowding the already too small coffee table with the boxes. 

“Eat!” 

Remus

Remus:

Hey Pandora, super random question. I can’t seem to get over this cold? I was wondering if you had any recommendations?

Pandora:

I have plenty! What type of cold is it?

Remus:

Just a cough really, and my body’s extremely sore - my joints to be more precise

Pandora:

I’ll give lily a bundle for you! I’ve also pulled the two of cups for you, upright - it’s not going to help with your cold, but something out there wants you to know you’ ve met the right person

Remus:

Thanks pandora

Pandora:

Stay warm! 

Sirius

Marlene goes to queue up another christmas movie when he finally snatches the remote from her and puts on the edge of seventeen. 

“RUDE!” She dives for the remote and he pushes her to ground where she lands with a ‘humpf’ and stays. “I live here now.” She crosses her arms, stares up at him definitely. 

“Oh what a grand home you have.” He sticks his tongue out and goes through the movie list. “Pride and Prejudice?” Sirius asks there's a happy hum and he puts it on leaning back, 

Remus

Evan:

Your sister is making out with your sister in law very obnoxiously 

Remus:

And this is my concern because???? 

Evan:

Holy shit he lives

Look at you typing and shit 

I thought Evans definitely threw out a fake number 

Remus:

Unfortunately no, this is my actual number 

And the numerous texts from you just haven't piqued my interest 

Get cooler 

Then we'll talk

Evan:

Reg was right to like you 

Okay I have to go stop them now. This is not a fucking botheral 

Remus:

Be nice 

Sirius

Lily guides Mary down the hall to their room after Evan throws a pillow at the pair. Sirius can't help but laugh. 

“Uncle Siri-us. Where's uncle Rem-us?” Harry asks then, the thin clay mask cracking around his eyes, glasses set aside on the table. 

“He's unwell bud, you know that.” Dorcas tries, Harry’s frown deepens. 

“But they're always together! Teddy says so.” Harry tilts his face up to look at Sirius expectantly. 

“Not today bud, he's really sick.” Sirius says as Harry's frown deepens.

“You could call him? See if he's better?” Sirius laughs.

“Remus doesn't like calling or texting.” But he pulls his phone out anyway, only now realising there's messages from Remus there. His heart pounds. 

Remus:

Hope you're all having a good time

Marlene sent a downright horrendous picture of you eating a slice of pizza

Consider it blackmail 

Sirius:

Black mail? A pun? Remus? 

Remus:

Ew. No. Don't be ridiculous 

Consider it ammunition then 

Sirius:

I'm being dead Sirius 

Remus:

You're not funny 

Sirius:

And yet here you are still texting me

Wait

Wait come back!! 

Noooooooo

I'll stop with the puns

Remus:

Promise? 

Sirius:

I would say yes but that would make me a liar and I don't lie 

Remus:

This is ridiculous but I miss you 

Sirius:

Everyone here misses you too 

Remus

Everyone. 

But not Sirius. 

That was fine. That was probably for the best, less Remus did something stupid. He texts his thanks to Lily for getting Harry to get Sirius to check his phone, and pulls the blankets closer to Teddy’s shoulders who hums happily, book now forgotten on the nightstand. He flicks off the overhead light making sure the star projector is on before closing the door behind him. He slides into his own bed then, staring at the messages when a new one pops through. 

Sirius:

If you're feeling any better would you like to come over Sunday? 

Remus:

Are you all planning a hibernation weekend or something?

Sirius:

No haha

Everyone will just pass in and out after tonight

I could come over to yours? If you're still not feeling the greatest? 

Remus stares at the message for a long moment. Fingers hovering over the keyboard. 

Remus:

I don't want to get you sick 

Sirius: 

I'll wear a mask? 

Remus:

You're so annoying 

Sirius:

I know :p 

Remus:

You can come by. I don't really want to leave the house sorry. Today took a lot out of me 

Sirius:

I'll bring over lunch! 

Remus stares waiting for another message and when none come through he lets his eyes slide shut, phone on his pillow, letting his body ease into the mattress until sleep takes over. 

Sirius

Sunday roles around agonisingly slow. He goes for a run with James Saturday morning, and then another with Marlene in the afternoon, he stays up all night trying to get his personal piece done and staring at the messages Remus had sent him, feeling his heart quicken every time his eyes latch onto a certain text bubble. This is ridiculous but I miss you. This is ridiculous but I miss you. This is ridiculous but I miss you. He doesn't think about it, doesn’t let his thoughts run wild, he knows better now. Knows not to scare off the man. He drums his fingers across the kitchen counter, coffee drained next to him, pot empty on the stove top, journal opened in front of him as if anything was going to tumble from his mind to the pages below. He had thought it would be easier this year, easier with Remus taking most of his editing and interviewing work, easier as he could for once focus on his own trauma. Instead he’s falling behind on his own time schedule, dates and days marking down to the 31st. He can’t get Walburga out of his head - can’t get her out of his office, can’t get the lies she spewed to Remus to stop tasting so much like ash in his mouth. He stares at the pages, slams the book closed and shoves it deep into his satchel before picking up the cooler bag he had packed lunch into and scooping his keys up. He’ll be early. Anything to stop his mind from racing. 

Remus

There’s a knock on his front door and Teddy’s head shoots up instantly, 

“Aunty Lily?” Teddy asks, he’s hunched over the lounge room table, markers in hand, Remus only smiles softly, pulling himself from the armchair and going to unlock the door. The sight that greets him makes him feel sick. Sirius is sort of leaning, sort of standing against the wall right next to the doorframe, his lip is cracked and caked in dry blood, his hands wringing the bags handles, and he looked dishevelled, shirt haphazardly buttoned, jacket loose on his shoulders, haired tied up into what Remus could only describe as a knot. 

Remus’ hands come up instantly to clasp onto Sirius’.

“Hey Pad’s,” his voice is soft, Teddy still hasn’t seen who’s standing at the door and Remus slides out letting it click shut. “What’s wrong?” He tries again, Sirius stares absently over his shoulder before shaking his head, falling back into a confident version of himself. 

“Moony!” Sirius’ smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Sorry zoned out, how are you feeling?” Remus tightens his grip on Sirius’ hands.

“What’s wrong? ” He tries again, the smile flickers, only for a moment before it’s right there again. 

“Nothing!” Sirius says, eyes a little dim, he pulls his hands back, bag tucked to his side. “Panda asked me to give this to you,” they say, digging through the black bag on his side. He produces a small clothed bag handing it out between them. Remus narrows his eyes, “she said something about your cold, and… joints I think? Or maybe migraines. She used wrackspurts a lot, so probably your migraines.” When Remus doesn’t reach for the bag Sirius’ smile falls. “I’m fine Moons, honest, just thinking a bit too much.”

“Do you need anything?” Remus asks then, as he had with Teddy so many times, as Lily had with him, because he didn’t know how else to comfort the man, didn’t know how to hold them together and piece back whatever came undone. Sirius shakes his head, reaching for his hand and slotting the bag into his palm. They pull back gesturing to the door and Remus nudges it open. It takes only a moment for Teddy to realise who was here. 

“SIRI!” Teddy jumps up, running across the room and hugging Sirius’ legs tight. “Came back!” 

“Of course I did,” Sirius runs a hand through the mess of curls before shuffling the three of them inside, nudging the door back shut, they toe of their shoes and lets Teddy guide him towards the couch, babbling on about the drawing he was doing moments before. Remus wanders into the kitchen, pulling open the bag. 

Dear Remus, 

I know this bag will not find you in good health, so instead I am opening this letter with the amends to help guide one back to good health. Inside you will find three vials, a sachet of my personal blend of tea and Quartz crystal - though the last is for theartics I hope it does ease some of those pesky Wrackspurts. 

The green vial is peppermint oil, roll it onto your temples whenever you feel a headache or migraine begin, and keep applying it until it’s gone! Use it as often as you need, and do text if you require more. 

The Orange vial is full of turmeric, ginger and lavender - roll it onto inflamed joints, it should help ease the pain - not a cure all a simple aid! 

The Red vial is full of rosemary and lavender, again apply this to your temples if you’re unable to sleep - I know colds tend to fight away the urges to sleep whilst also making it impossible to stay awake, may it soothe you and those nightmares (I pulled a card, I may have interrupted it wrong, but there it is!) 

The tea is a personal blend, it’s helped our whole group get over the most horrible of colds and fevers, drink as much as you’re comfortable doing so - but do not add milk! Or sugar if you require it to be sweeter honey may suffice! 

I do hope to see you soon!

Adoring as always,

Panda Rosier

He stares at the letter longer than he should, pulling out the contents as the bag as he reads on, he feels his heart clench, his jaw tighten, overwhelming senses of emotions ricocheting in his chest as he stares at her sign off, at the kind words. He rolls the green vial across his temples, tucks the contents back into the bag carefully places it into his satchel left on the kitchen counter before making his way back to the lounge, where Teddy was now sat in Sirius’ lap a book open in their laps, Sirius muttering things that Remus knew were not the words to the story. He smiles anyway, curling up at the end of the couch. 

“Peppermint?” Sirius asks, breaking away from Teddy and looking towards him instead. Remus shrugs, Teddy tugs at Sirius’ hands. 

“What next?” Sirius stares back down at the book. 

“Next they stop and have a picnic, and would you look at that!” He pulls the bag they had been holding early off the table and next to them on the couch, unzipping it. Remus snorts as Teddy stares in awe. 

“Magic?” Teddy asks and Sirius only winks. He places the small kid on the ground. 

“We can’t have a picnic without a blanket!” They decree standing up, “and we should be outside,” he steps over to the balcony unlocking the door and sliding it open, Remus watches amused as Teddy runs to find a blanket. 

“Thanks.” He says softly, Sirius looks over his shoulder, offering a small smile as he picks the bag back up and the book, Remus gets up, follows him out to the balcony, Teddy runs out with a blanket and his wolf plush, happily dumping them on the ground as Sirius carefully sets out the food. 

“Okay, we have curry and naan from Mum, pizza from Friday, I’ve made sandwiches, and there’s scones and cream. I also have some fruit, but you might not like it Teddy.” Teddy crosses his arms but nods politely, “and! I have some cake, Reggie and I made it Saturday.” 

“You bake?” Remus asks, tilting his head as he settles on the blanket, leaning his back against the metal railing. 

“Nope!” Sirius is almost proud of that statement, Remus snorts. “Its edibility is up to you.” He leans back on the palms of his hands, opening the book back open, “They settle down for their picnic, knowing the journey ahead would be long…”

Sirius

Remus has fallen asleep, he doesn’t know when. One moment he’s leant against the railing, the next he’s on his side, limbs sprawled out across the blanket, Teddy leant against his middle, and the next he’s fast asleep. Sirius has finished the book, Teddy has eaten, and Remus is asleep and he’s not sure what to do now. 

“Sleepy Remmy.” Teddy says patting Remus’ hair and tucking the wolf toy up into Remus’ arms. “Always sleepy.” Teddy says then, looking up at Sirius. 

“Is he?”

“Mhm! Wakes early early, and up late late, can’t sleep - screams?” Teddy frowns, “bad sleep, I scream too.” 

“Nightmares, bud, you have nightmares.” Sirius looks at the sleeping man thoughts running a mile a minute, Teddy shrugs. 

“Bad sleep.” He yawns, “what happens next?” 

“We finished the book, bud.” Teddy stares at the cover, frowns, and then gets up. 

“What next?” Sirius frowns, “still light.” Teddy points to the cloudy sky. 

“Oh, well. What do you normally do?” Sirius leans back on his palms, watching Teddy as he looks around. 

“Art! I like art, Remmy has movies too!” Teddy’s hands are moving through the air, and Sirius nods. 

“Well we can’t leave Remus out here alone.” Sirius nods towards Remus and Teddy looks down at the man again. “What if it rains?” Teddy nods and nods and nods and then he’s racing inside and coming back out with books and paper and markers and dropping them all down, before he’s running back inside. Sirius sorts the items out.When Teddy comes back it’s with another blanket that he throws over Remus’ sleeping body, barely missing his face. 

“Warm!” Teddy says patting Remus’ shoulder before settling down curled against the man, Sirius smiles, warmth filling his chest where that ache had been some hour ago. “Cold bad.”

“Bad?” He asks then, because trying to grasp onto what Teddy was talking about was difficult, trying to piece together his broken sentences was hard, but he was trying. 

“Bad here,” he points at Remus’ knee, and then his ankle, neck, back, wrists. 

“Bad for his joints?” Teddy shrugs, “bad for his body? It hurts him?” Teddy’s eyes widen as he nods. “Oh.” He pulls his phone out, googling Remus’ condition again. Sure enough, cold weather hurts more than warm weather - something about pain receptors. Sirius leans over tucking the blanket tighter around Remus, brushing his curls off his forehead. 

“Siri likes Remmy?” 

“Yeah.” Sirius admits, “I do.” He says softly. 

“Like, like? ” Teddy whispers, and Sirius stills - pulling away carefully, biting into his lip. “Aunty Mary likes Aunty Lily, and Barty likes Evan! Siri likes Remmy!” Teddy claps his hands, once, then twice, and then in a beat of two. Sirius leans back on his palms. 

“You can’t tell anyone, it’s a secret.” Sirius says then, because there was no point lying now that the idea was in Teddy’s head. 

“Can’t tell Remmy?” Teddy says, face contorting into something resembling confusion. 

“No we can’t.” Teddy looks at Remus and then nods once. 

“Okay.” He looks back at the paper, “Remmy says cards help! Big here-” he gestures to his head, “-hurts, make cards and is better!” Sirius laughs. 

“That’s a nice way to put it,” he admits. Teddy’s already shoving papers into Sirius’ hands and he can’t help but smile, that fond feeling kicking at his chest again. 

“Card!” Teddy smiles up at him like he’s solved everything and Sirius plays along, picking up a marker. “Can have orange?” Teddy says then, and Sirius looks at him. 

“You don’t like fruit.” Teddy crosses his arms. 

“Not fruit-” froot “ Orange .” And Sirius still doesn’t know what that means. 

“You have to help me out here, I’m not sure what- do you want the orange marker?” Teddy huffs, and Sirius bites his lip looking around them, again trying to figure out what was wrong. This was the second time now this request has come from the small boy, and he was no closer to figuring it out. 

“Orange!” Teddy huffs, “makes- makes orange!” 

“Paint?” Sirius tries and Teddy gives him an incredulous look. 

“Call?” He tries then, and Sirius frowns, “call Remmy!” 

“He’s asleep bud.” Teddy looks close to tears, he digs his hands into his knee, and Sirius doesn’t know what to do.

“Not listening to me!” Teddy’s lip trembles, “call Remmy .” Sirius goes to shake Remus awake, panicking now. “Call!” Teddy swings at his hands and Sirius jumps back. “Call, call, call!” He’s digging at Sirius’ legs then, hands grabbing at material until he’s picked up Sirius’ phone. “Call- Remmy!” Teddy huffs and it clicks. 

“Oh.” He unlocks his phone, swiping to his and Remus’ chat and pressing the phone button, somewhere in the apartment a phone begins to ring, David Bowie's voice calling out to them, There’s a starmann… he hangs up. 

“Orange!” Teddy says then, and Sirius scrolls through his spotify until the song starts to play, “see? Orange!” Teddy waves at the air, hands trying to grab at something. 

“I don’t- orange?” He asks, Teddy points but there’s nothing there. “I don’t see orange, bud.”

“Is ‘kay.” Teddy shrugs, “what colour?”

“I don’t see any colours.” Teddy frowns then.

“But orange?” He looks back to the air, and shrugs once more before he’s humming and picking up markers. They sit like that for a while, drawing and writing things, Teddy commenting on things every once in a while, it’s peaceful. 

Remus

When he begins to wake, he’s not quite sure where he is. Blinking his eyes open slowly he notices the ache in back is almost enough to pull him back to sleep and hope he wakes up better. But the faint music pulls him fully out and when he’s able to tilt his head up, his neck cracking painfully as he does so, a fond smile filters onto his face erasing the pained scowl that was there moments before. Teddy is curled up in Sirius’ lap, hands wrapped around Sirius’ wrist as they draw together, a piece of paper propper against a plate to keep it steady. Starman is echoing around them, Remus does not doubt that it has been on loop. He lets himself take in the peace for a long moment before he clears his throat. 

“Figured out orange, then?” Teddy’s head shoots up. 

“Remmy!” He crawls from Sirius’ lap and huddles into Remus’ bubble. “Is cold?” He asks and Remus smiles softly. 

“I’m okay pup.” Remus tries. 

“You sure? We should head inside, it looks like it might rain.” Remus rolls onto his back looking up at the sky. 

“How long was I asleep for?” Remus frowns. Teddy holds up four fingers and Remus groans pulling himself up, there’s a hand on his lower back, helping ease him up and he has to ignore the warmth that surges through him in response. “You could have woken me.” Remus says, flinching when his spine clicks. Sirius’ hands run up and down his back. 

“You looked peaceful.” Sirius shrugs, getting up first before offering their hands back down for Remus, there’s not a moment of pause before he lifts his own into Sirius’.

“Siri did art with me.” Teddy is pulling himself up, the wolf clutched to his chest. Remus hums and picks the blanket back up draping it across his shoulders. 

By the time they’ve put everything away and locked the balcony door it starts to storm, how it can go from a peaceful grey day to an ungodly attempt at drowning every person in the vicinity is beyond him but Teddy seems to enjoy the pattering against the windows. 

“How’d you get here?” Remus asks absently as the kettle finishes boiling, he pours water into the mug that had Pandora’s tea in it. 

“My bike,” Sirius says, staring out the kitchen window, arms crossed. “I should probably call James to come get me.” Remus bites his lip.

“It’s too dangerous to drive.” Remus says then, pulling the cup between his hands, enjoying the sting against his fingers. “Just stay the night.” He wasn't thinking- why wasn’t he thinking-

“I don’t want to intrude.” There, an easy out, an easy way out - but-

“Please, I would rather share my bed than fret over you and James in the hospital.” He takes a sip from his mug, burning his tongue as he does so, preferring that over his mouth opening again and saying something else. 

“If you’re sure?” Sirius turns to him then, eyes soft and round and so purely silver it’s almost heartbreaking. Remus nods and then shrugs and then pulls himself away from the kitchen and towards the lounge. 

“Teddy come on,” Remus says, “what do you want to watch?” Teddy pulls himself from the ground and all but falls into the couch instead. 

“Siri, stay?” Teddy asks hopefully. 

“Yeah bud, I am.” Sirius settles on the other side of the small boy, “hope you’re okay with that?” Teddy’s eyes are bright as he nods nods nods.

“Card?” Sirius stills and Remus raises an eyebrow over his mug of tea. 

“Thought we were watching a movie?” Sirius asks then and Remus doesn’t press the matter, Teddy happily starts to babble about old Disney movies and they settle on snow white. 

Getting Teddy to bed was always a task and a half, but tonight it seems the idea of sleep is not even in the realms of possibility.

“Pup.” Remus says tiredly pulling the blankets up yet again. 

“Not tired!” Teddy argues, flicks the blankets off him and sits back up. 

“We’ve already read two books, you’ve had dinner, we’ve watched three movies, what else could you possibly want to do?” Remus says then. Teddy shrugs, looking around the room and then running up to grab another book. 

“This!” Teddy drops the book into Remus’ lap curling back into bed. 

“If I read you another story do you promise you’ll go to bed?” Remus looks down at the book, something old and beaten that they had found in a thrift store. A collection of welsh fairy tales. Teddy nods his head eagerly and Remus sighs, opening the pages up and staring down at the faded words. 

“Many years ago the Welsh mountains were full of fairies. People used to go by moonlight-”

“Voice, Remmy!” Teddy pouts and Remus sighs yet again, “hi Siri,” Teddy waves and Remus tilts his head back. Sirius is standing against the door jam a found expression on their face, lip still caked in blood despite the day. 

“Hi Teddy.” Sirius waves back. 

“Read too?” Teddy asks, sitting up again, Sirius stands a little straighter and Remus turns back to Teddy. 

“I thought you were going to bed.” Remus says, raising his eyebrow. 

“Promise! Both!” And Remus sighs again before looking back to Sirius helplessly. Sirius shuffles from foot to foot before he steps in carefully and then takes another step after that. He settles on the edge of the bed, propping his chin over Remus’ shoulder - who definitely does not still and take in a sharp breath not at all - and looks down to the pages below, arm snaking around Remus’ waist to take one side of the book in their hand. Remus clears his throat. 

“Many years ago the Welsh mountains were full of fairies-”

“You’re reading it wrong.” Sirius says against his ear, Remus bristles. 

“I am not!” 

“Well your voice is boring then. Where’s the flourish?” Remus turns to look at Sirius and then realises how bad that move really was, their faces are mere inches apart. 

“Well you read it then, if you’re so great.” Remus mutters turning back to face Teddy who’s eyes were far too wide. He takes a deep breath, Sirius inches closer, clears their throat and then- 

“Many years ago the Welsh mountains were full of fairies. People used to go by moonlight to see them dancing, for they knew where they would dance by seeing green rings in the grass.” 

Teddy falls asleep before the tale is done and Remus is thankful. He tucks the blankets closer around him, places the book on the nightstand and flicks on the projector before turning off the overhead light. Sirius follows him out of the room, clicking the door shut softly. 

“God I’m tired.” Remus mutters, stretching until his shoulder pops. “Still over thinking?” Remus asks, picking up the plates from dinner and the mugs of tea. 

“Unfortunately,” Sirius admits, taking the plates from Remus when he tries to start cleaning them. “Although about something entirely different now.” Sirius fills the sink with water, scrubbing at the plates. Remus lets them. 

“Anything you want to talk about?” Remus asks, trying to duck his head and catch Sirius’ eye. For whatever reason they won’t look at him. 

“Just anniversary stuff.” Sirius sighs then, Remus picks up a towel and starts to dry the dishes, placing them away in cupboards. 

“No thinking about work when you’re not there.” Remus says lightly bumping their shoulders together. 

“Then my mother.” Remus sighs, places a mug away and settles next to the sink. 

“What about her?” He asks carefully, Sirius drags the sponge down a plate, sinks it back into the water and repeats the motion. The plate was clean. 

“About how I’m supposed to write about her, reveal all this horrible shit she’s done but I can’t.” He cleans the plate again, ducking it back down into the water. “Having to relive all that horrible trauma, having to put myself and others back into those dark moments in hopes for something happy to come about it in return knowing nothing will, having to think of her in general.” When the plate surfaces again Remus grabs it before Sirius can clean it again. 

“I’m sorry.” Remus says sincerely, because generally he was. He was so fucking sorry and it wasn’t his place to be, but god did he want to take that pain from Sirius and hide it away. “I know this time of year is hard, I know your life has been hard, but happy things have come about it as well.”

“They really haven’t, you saw Andy the other day.” Sirius picks up a mug, drowning it into the bubbles. 

“And you saw the flock of support that came to help her, she didn’t have that before, or if she did it was behind closed doors.” Remus presses, grabbing at the mug before Sirius can clean it again. 

“Okay, and you see how uncomfortable Reggie is everytime there’s a shoot? How angry Barty gets-”

“Regulus wouldn’t put himself through that pain unless he deemed it worthy, you know that. And Barty has unresolved trauma and a personality disorder in tow, he’s bound to get angry when past experiences are brought up. Look at me! I’m the same way and I’m not even writing about my trauma to try and heal the world, I’m living with it and getting angry over it and doing nothing about it, you Sirius Orion Black are making the world of difference because you’re trying and that is more than anyone can ask of you. Yes it’s hard to face all of these big dark storm clouds from your past, but you’re doing it with grace and so is everyone else, if they deemed it too much they’d pull out.” He grabs the plate from them and Sirius pulls back slightly. 

“Is focussing on everyone else's trauma worsening yours?” And Remus wants to lie, wants to lie and say no and protect Sirius from himself, wants so badly to do so that he almost does, instead he avoids the truth. 

“I think anyone who happens to read the articles you post or anyone who edits them would be impacted in some way.” He shoves the plate into the cupboard, pulls the drain from the sink and grabs Sirius’ hand, “come on, time for bed.” 

Finding clothes that fit the shorter man is not the issue, the issue is finding something that doesn’t have a tear, loose thread or a downright hole hidden somewhere. He manages, falling on an old band shirt and a newer pair of plaid pyjama bottoms, he turns off the lights, plugs his and Sirius’ phones in on the nightstand, pulls the covers back and waits for Sirius to get out of the bathroom. He couldn’t sleep next to the wall, couldn't feel trapped like that again, so no matter how tired he is, he would wait until Sirius was settled there. 

When Sirius eventually crawls out of the bathroom there’s no hesitation this time when he settles down in bed, no question of ‘is this okay?’. Instead when Remus lays down next to him, pulling the blankets over the both of them, Sirius simply rests an arm across his stomach and settles into the pillows, and Remus…

Remus allows them.

Chapter Text

Remus

When his alarm rings at 5 in the morning there’s a moan of protest from behind him. 

“Turn it off .” Sirius grumbles and Remus snorts, reaching forward for his phone and switching off the alarm, and the one in ten minutes for good measure. “Bed. Now.” Sirius grumbles again, arms tightening around his waist and tugging him back down. Remus allows him, only for a moment. 

“Sirius, I have to get Teddy ready.” Remus turns then, and Sirius groans burrowing into Remus’ shoulder. 

“At five in the fucking morning?” Sirius mumbles and Remus has to strain to hear him. 

“Well it depends on what mood he’s in, but yes. I do.” Remus tries to pull the other man off him. 

“Nooo.” Sirius groans, tightening his grip, “just… five more minutes?” 

“You’re more than welcome to stay bundled up in here, but I have responsibilities.” Remus says calmly.

“So not even three more minutes?” 

“Pad’s.” Remus says and Sirius finally relents, pulling off and stealing the blankets as he buries himself back into the bed. Remus snorts and makes his way out of the room and into Teddy’s. “Come on Pup, I know you’re up.” Remus settles on the edge of Teddy’s bed, hand curled gently around Teddy’s shoulder. 

“No ‘m not.” 

“Oh?” Remus asks with a small smile curling into place. “So  guess it’s a ghost talking to me then?”

“Not a ghost.” Teddy mumbles, peeking his head up from under the covers. “Is real!” 

“Ah, so you are. Guess that means you're awake as well then?” Teddy frowns but slowly nods. 

“Five more?” 

“Not today Pup.” Remus says softly, tugging the blankets down as Teddy sits up. 

“Siri here?” Teddy asks, rubbing at his eyes and pulling his legs over the side of the bed. 

“Mhm, yeah they are.” Remus leads them towards the kitchen where he sets the kettle.

“Who else?” Teddy mumbles and Remus turns to him. 

“Sorry?” He asks carefully. 

“They?” Teddy asks and Remus stills. 

“Oh… Pup you know how people call you he, and Lily gets called she?” Remus says carefully, pulling out a bowl and a mug. Teddy blinks up at him slowly, yes, yes he understood. “Well Sirius isn’t a he or a she they use ‘they’ to express who they are, do you understand?” Remus asks then, crossing his arms against his chest as he leans against the lip of the counter, Teddy tilts his head. 

“Oh!” Teddy says then, “yes.” Teddy nods and nods and nods and then, “can I also be they? We can share?” Teddy blinks up at Remus expectantly and Remus’ heart aches, aches for the little boy he once was hiding around with another boy, the punishment that came with being different, he wants to protect this little boy in front of him, hold him close and ignore that this conversation has happened. Ignore what this was going to mean moving forward, ignore and refuse, say no and leave it at that. He can’t let what happened to him happen to Teddy, he refuses to let it happen again, because being different was unfortunately difficult , horrible, destructive and he doesn’t want Teddy to break the same way he did. There were always going to be people making sure that they did break, that they did fall, there was always going to be someone over their shoulders wishing the absolute worst kind of downfall on them. And he would do anything to make sure Teddy never had to meet that fate.  

“If you so wish,” he says instead, because despite the punishments he faced, he would make sure Teddy never met the same fate, do whatever it took to take care of him - them - whatever Teddy chooses for the rest of their lives. He was going to break the cycle one small step at a time. 

“Thank you, Remmy.” Teddy says happily, pulling himself up onto the bar stool. Remus smiles and turns away to pour his coffee. 

“Are we trying anything new for breakfast today?” Remus asks, already reaching for the porridge. Already knowing there’s no chance that’s going to change. 

“Hi Siri!” Remus turns then, watching Sirius stumble out of the bedroom, shirt a mess and hair as unruly as Remus has ever seen it. 

“Morning Pup.” Sirius mumbles, voice croaky and eyes squeezed shut, something warm spreads through Remus’ chest at the nickname, “fuck- I mean, uh, morning Ted’s. Don’t tell Lily I swore.” Sirius almost pleads, stumbling over to take the other stool next to Teddy. 

“You can call me pup Siri.” Teddy says then with a shrug. Remus pulls out a second mug and pours Sirius a cup as well, grabbing the milk and sugar. 

“You’d have to ask Remus buddy.” Sirius says back easily, stretching his arms above their head, Remus hears the crack in their spine. 

“Remmy, Siri can call me pup, right?” Teddy asks and Remus shrugs, passing the mug over to Sirius who grabs at it like it’s a lifeline. 

“They can call you whatever they’d like to.” Remus smiles sweetly, taking a sip of his own coffee before focusing back on the task at hand. “Now, what’s for breakfast?” Sirius’ mouth is agape and Remus pays no mind to him. 

“Porridge?” Teddy asks carefully, and Remus rolls his eyes, pouring hot water over the oats and mixing them before sliding the bowl into the microwave. 

“You know what Lily’s going to say.” Remus says then and Teddy huffs. 

“Don’t like fruit-” froot, “-or butter toast-” toost, “or or-”

“I know Pup, but there’s a lot of different things we can have, you liked that spiderman cereal, remember?” Remus pulls the bowl out, stirring it and setting it down in front of Teddy. “Or we can put something else on the toast?”

“No thank you.” Teddy eagerly accepts the spoon Remus hands over.

“There’s muffins? Or I can get meat, you like meat sometimes.” Remus leans across the counter, cleaning up some of the oats, he’s still not looking at Sirius. 

“No thank you, Remmy.” 

“Eggs?”

“Slimy.” Teddy pulls a face. 

“Well maybe you and Lily can talk about breakfast options today, there’s bound to be something you’d like.” Remus is almost pleading now, and Teddy pouts but nods his head. 

“Okay Remmy.” Remus leans forward and runs a hand through Teddy’s hair. 

“Thank you Pup.” He finally turns to Sirius then, drags another sip of his coffee into his mouth before finally asking, “what would you like for breakfast then Pad’s?” And it’s awfully domestic - waking up curled around each other, having breakfast together, fuck even Sirius calling Teddy pup was a step too far, but he can’t bring himself to stop and pull back. 

“Whatever’s easier,” Sirius says then as if on autopilot.

 “Oh for the love of- I have to force one of you to eat, do not make me force the both of you. What do you want? You just had the menu read to you.” Sirius laughs then and shrugs. 

“I’m really not fussed.” He says and Remus can feel his eyebrow twitch in irritation. “I can make eggs?” Sirius offers, “for the both of us, scrambled.” Sirius is already standing, “you cooked last night anyway, let me do this.” 

“But you made lunch-”

“And you did the dishes-”

“So did you-”

“Moony, let me make you breakfast will you?” Sirius grabs both of his hands and squeezes. And Remus, well, Remus lets him, instead slipping out onto the balcony, cigarette slotted between his lips, ignoring the way Teddy giggles. 

Sirius

Remus being skinny made a lot more sense the more he dug around the kitchen. The fridge had bare necessities, eggs, milk, cheese and a small selection of fruit and veg. The pantry had less; bread, two containers of porridge and various forms of noodles and pasta labelled safe and unsafe. He digs around for seasoning before cracking some eggs onto the pan. 

“Do you usually take lunch with you?” Sirius asks then, for lack of better things to do, Teddy blinks up from behind his bowl. 

“Mm.” Sirius stirs the eggs up, reaching for the milk. 

“What do you take?” He looks around for a container, lunch box, something. Teddy hops down from his stool and pulls his backpack off the armchair digging around in it before a small metal tin is produced with Spiderman on the front, he pops it up on the counter before pulling himself back up on the chair. 

“Different, but same.” He opens the container to show Sirius, there’s a cut up banana in a plastic cup, a ziplock bag that’s empty and a crushed up bag of crisps. “Remmy says more things but I don’t like them.” He points at the banana with offense. Sirius transfers the eggs to a plate cracking another two in the pan. 

“Do you pick?” Sirius asks carefully. 

“Sometimes, Remmy does most.” He shoves another mouthful of oats into his mouth. “What make?” 

“Scarambled eggs, they’re good for you, helps keep you full.” Sirius says, offering a plate to him, Teddy scrunches his nose at the yellow mess. 

“Slimly?”

“Not really, you can try some if you like?” Sirius grabs a fork and shoves some into his own mouth to prove the point. “Yum.” Teddy looks up at him carefully before reaching for the fork. 

“I try…” Teddy says mainly to himself before scooping up some eggs. “Yum!” Teddy says, eyes lighting up and pulling the plate closer to himself. Sirius smiles and reaches forward to ruffle his hair before turning back to the eggs on the pan. 

“You actually got him to eat?” Remus asks and Sirius nearly jumps out of skin, he hadn’t heard the door open.

“He was curious!” Sirius goes to protest before he realises the look on Remus’ face is much closer to adoration than anger. “Yeah, I’ve made more here-”

“Remmy try!” Teddy is shoving the fork into Remus face before Sirius can offer the other plate, and Remus leans down to steal a bite. 

“Magical eggs.” Remus decides. 

“Magic!” Teddy says back and then digs back into his own plate. Remus smiles at him, genuinely, openly and happily smiles at him and Sirius can feel his heart pound. 

“I don’t know what he takes for school.” Sirius gestures to the box on the bench. 

“That’s fine Pad’s, thank you.” Remus picks up the bowl of porridge reaching over Sirius for the honey and drizzling some onto the oats. “You’ve done more than enough.” That pounding sensation doesn’t slow down one bit.

Remus

The next part in their routine is made more difficult by Sirius and Remus is slowly running low on patience. 

“But Siri didn’t!” Teddy complains, crossing his arms tight against his chest. Remus curls his hands around the lip on the counter trying to ease the tension in his shoulders.

“Sirius is going to take a shower, isn’t he?” Remus keeps his voice level and calm as he looks pointedly towards Sirius who had mentioned he wasn’t going to take a shower, which led to Teddy thinking a shower was optional. 

“I showered last night,” Sirius tries, hands raised in front of him eyes blown wide, “before bed Ted’s, so I’m still clean, you showered yesterday morning, you’re not clean anymore, yeah?” Remus can feel his eyebrow twitch. “You don’t want to go to school not clean do you?” Teddy’s arms loosen and he drops his head in thought before hopping off the stool and locking himself in the bathroom. He can hear the pipes squeak and knows Teddy’s actually showering when music starts to play, no doubt from his toothbrush that he keeps taking into the shower despite Remus telling him not to. 

“If you could kindly think before speaking around Teddy that would be great .” Remus snaps, picking up the plate of now gone eggs and turning to the sink. 

“I didn’t mean to- I don’t have anything to change into, so it’s kind of wasted- and my hair takes a lot of products-”

“It’s fine Sirius, just remember Teddy is not like Harry, he latches onto things and avoids things all of the time.” Remus shrugs his sleeves up and begins to clean out the coffee cups, Sirius picks up a towel and he’s warmed for a moment by how easily they fall into place. “He has different rules to his behaviour, otherwise things fall apart. Rules are important with him, or he stops doing things he should, like eat or go to the bathroom or get dressed.” Remus presses his eyes closed tight. “He’s very determined to live his life the way he would like, rather than a way that is functional.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Sirius says softly, Remus offers a half smile and pulls the drain from the sink. He turns to open the pantry to make Teddy’s lunch. “I should probably head off.” Sirius says then, picking his satchel off the kitchen counter. Remus frowns. 

“You’re not coming with us?” He spins around to face Sirius. 

“To?” Sirius tilts their head. 

“To school and then work, we’re both heading there.” Remus shrugs, Sirius gestures to his body. 

“Again, I don’t have clothes.” Remus goes to open his mouth again, offer his wardrobe, keep this charade of family going,  but stops, shrugs and turns back to the pantry. 

“Okay, drive safe.” The room is silent for a long moment in which Remus grabs out some bread, Teddy’s current favourite crisps and makes his way to the fridge. 

“Are you… angry with that?” 

“No?” Remus says, turning to look over his shoulder quickly. “Why would I be?” 

“I don’t… know.” Remus frowns. 

“Pad’s, I’m not angry, you’re right you don’t have clothes, I’ll see you at work in an hour.” Remus makes his way across the kitchen, leaning over the counter to grab at Sirius’ hands. “Promise.”

“Okay, right, good-”

“Meds.” Remus says then, “you haven’t taken them yet.” The bathroom door swings open. 

“CLEAN!” Teddy says proudly, a towel draped over his shoulders. 

“Clothes!” Remus says back and Teddy frowns and swings the door back closed. “Meds, now, before you get on that death machine.”

“It’s a bike, Moons, not a death machine.” Remus rolls his eyes squeezing Sirius’ hands quickly. 

“I’ll see you in an hour, be. Safe.” He gets the strange urge to lean over and kiss Sirius on the cheek, and has to quickly shake his head and busy his hands with making Teddy’s lunch to stop the notion.  

Sirius

“My name is Sirius Black, with BlackStar publishings, and I’m here with...”

“Pandora, uh, Pandora Rosier.” Pandora smiles kindly at him and Sirius nods. 

“It’s the 12th of September 8:15am, and I am conducting one of the last interviews for this article, Pandora, tell me, dotting on our last conversation here where you talked about your brother and how he made you feel loved, can you remember a time where you felt the most free? When was the first time you felt seen?” Pandora tilts her head, dreadlocks spilling down her shoulders as she does so.

“Maybe the first time I held Luna,” she voices, “directly after I had given birth, it was a home birth, for numerous reasons-”

“Can you list a few?” Sirius asks carefully, Pandora thins her lips but nods. 

“My boyfriend, at the time. Well, I guess kind of husband? He uh, wasn’t well, he’s now getting the help he needs, but at the time we weren’t allowed out the house, there were all these newspapers up on the windows, he was worried someone was coming for us. He was worried something would happen to myself and Luna, he was, well, is still very unwell. When my parents essentially sold me off to him, to be wed and to give birth, to start our family, that part of his history was kept under wraps, I had only found out my father actually knew he and his family were like that when I had been taken away from him. But yes, it was a home birth, I was the first to hold her, not my boyfriend, not a nurse, not even the bathtub, I had birthed her straight into my hands, and holding her, seeing her little hands, seeing this thing I had created inside me, to give life to, was the most freeing experience of my life.” She smiles at him, eyes sparkling in the dim light of the room. “Hearing her scream for oxygen was like music, I was sweaty and gross, my hair was a trainwreck. There was blood everywhere but here she was screaming for her maam, screaming for the life I had created for her. When she first opened her eyes, these beautiful blue things, I felt in that moment like everything made sense. All that I went through, all that had happened, this little rainbow baby was meant to be the one, she was meant to be mine and I her’s.” Pandora clasps her hands together in her lap, smiling brightly at Sirius. 

Remus

“My name is Moony from Blackstar and I’m here with…”

“Evan. Evan Rosier.”

“It’s the 12th of September 8:15am, and I am conducting one of the last interviews for this article, 

Evan, going through our last series of questions, you’ve mentioned a lot of love for your sister, your best friend Regulus and a few others, I was wondering, is there anything you wished to say, to anyone, someone you love, someone you hate, someone you did care about, but can’t say too them ?” Remus takes a sip of his water, waiting for Evan. 

“Well that’s an incredibly hard question to answer.” Evan admits, leaning back in his chair, arms coming up to wrap around his chest. “I’m a very open person, I say what I need to, what I want to, in the moment, I’m not one for regrets.” He stretches out his neck, it pops. “But I guess if I were to say anything, to anyone, it would be to the readers, I can’t reach them in person, can’t talk to them. But I would like to, I would like to let anyone reading to know it does get better, life keeps moving, and will keep moving. It may seem like the world is going to end right now in this moment or the next one coming but the world is going to keep turning and you have the energy and the power to keep turning with it.” Remus’ eyes water ever so slightly but he nods along with Evan. “I’ve seen enough hardships in this life to know that life’s a bitch, for lack of better words. It’s cruel and unkind, but there’s good things that happen too, I mean one of my sisters worst experiences gave her the best gift in this world. My boyfriend was literally outcast from his family, his name and any job within the radius, but in doing so we were able to meet. I left my own family behind, refusing to talk to them ever again, but in doing so I gained an actual family that cares for me. I’m not saying be an optimist, fuck that, no be weary and worried, but don’t let it control your life, it’s your life, and it’s in your hands, don’t let life control you.”

Sirius