Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My mom died when I was born, great way to start a story huh? I guess I could crack some jokes about it, but it doesn't change my father's broken heart. Or how he killed himself 4 years later, Fatherless and Motherless, right? 

Maybe I should change the subject? 

My brother Oda was raised by them both, a happy alpha and alpha relationship. My mother was beautiful, with long wavy auburn hair just like 'Saku. Oda still says she was the most gentle human being to ever exist. At least, that's what I've heard since I've only met her once; the day I was born. He also said she had quite a strict attitude, often scolding 'Saku a lot during his middle school days. But, Oda said he drove them both insane when he was a young teen. So, maybe he deserved the scolding he got.

All I remember from my mother is her face, they say you forget your infant memories; but maybe I locked that it was important. She had the most gentle look in her eyes, those dark blue irises running back and forth to look at me. But, needless to say that was the last and only time I ever met her. 

Now, my father is often compared to me, dark brown hair, deep amber eyes and if you met him; you would've been terrified due to intimidation. But, that man was so deeply in love with his mate, he imprinted on her the first date. All I remember of him was his gentle sad smile, I like to call it his "regret" smile. A smile that felt so forced, it was almost haunting. It always felt like he only lived on for the promise made to my mom, to stay for me and Oda. Too bad he's shit at fucking promises.

Moments before he killed himself, he told me how sorry he was, how he couldn't live without Tane. I remember the moment vividly. He handed me a phone, make sure to call the police in an hour. The handgun was on the table, when I was a kid I thought we were playing a game. He convinced me the gun would go off and we would call the police as a prank. 4 year old me really believed that lie. 

When the police showed up, they kept me away from the bathroom. I kept asking where he was, and if the game was over. I sat in the police car until Oda came to the house, of course my little brain couldn't process why he was breaking down in front of me. Or why my brother was hugging me so tight. 

Oda was 16 years older than me, and in school at the time, 2 years into college. I was a miracle baby, my mom was warned we could both die in the birth. She was already told after Oda, he would be her last child. But she was stubborn, one ear out the other with the doctors. So she got pregnant with little me, trying the waters with god or whatever. Too high on the pheromones to care about the repercussions, as 'Saku says. 

At 4 I felt a lot of guilt depending on Oda, even though dad's life insurance fund took care of us; Oda still had to graduate as fast as possible. I tried not to be too much of a burden, helping as much as I could. 

Things got better for us when 'Saku was hired at a police station. We had to sell the house and move across the country. New York to California, when I was 6. I was very behind on English, since Oda didn't have the time to teach me. It was better in San Fran, lots of Japanese people around, and teachers. I knew nothing about reading or writing English. I knew the Japanese alphabets by heart, none of the "abc" crap America had. I also hadn't gone to school yet. 

I was a smart kid so it was easy to get used to English, Math, History ect. My best friend, or enemy was Kunikida, he was the only other kid that spoke Japanese. I used to make jokes in class and mess around, it annoyed the shit out of him. I think because he knew that I was extremely intelligent, but didn't do homework, and just aced my tests. 

Back then, Kunikida had the ugliest bowl cut, but I feel like every Asian kid did. Except, Oda made sure I didn't get one, plus bowl cuts don't really work on wavy hair. But Kunikida's was buzzed underneath, he used to punch me for making fun of it. 

By 4th grade Ranpo came into our friend group, lazy and funny. I think together we make the perfect, "Piss off Kunikida duo" truly we would get in so much trouble together. There was this one time we stole all the red and pink markers out of the Crayola boxes, and everyone was making Valentine's cards. It was fucking hilarious to see outer peers cry because there weren't any markers. 

I miss those days, doing stupid shit. But the biggest mistake I made was when I was 13. My heaviest, and happiest regret I've ever had the purchase of claiming.

To tell you the whole story, I gotta go back to 6th grade, 2nd semester.

Little Dazai Osamu.

-

"Kunikida you got rid of your bowl cut" I snickered.

"Shut the fuck up" He hissed back.

"Yeah he might actually get a partner" Ranpo laughed.

"Nah, with that ugly face he's not gonna get any omegas" I rolled my eyes with a smirk.

"Bold of you to assume Daz, he wouldn't be an omega" Ranpo walked into the class first.

"That is bold of me"

"Both of you, stop it!" Kunikida sighed out with a tinge of annoyance, "My parents are betas, I'm probably going to be a beta" 

"You're such a pipsqueak though, so tiny n cute 'Kida, you've got to be an omega" Ranpo pet through his new haircut, "You've even got a pretty haircut to match your presenting"

"Off!" Kunikida smacked his hand away.

"Look he's reacting to our pheromones" I laughed.

"You guys don't even have those yet, dumbasses" Kunikida snapped back.

"What do you mean I totally have alpha pheromones coming at you!" I waved my arms near him, Ranpo copying me. 

"I fucking hate you guys, you're so stupid" Kunikida chuckled a little, pinching his temple.

"Ranpo, Dazai, Kunikida..." The teacher raised a brow.

"What!? I wasn't doing anything!" Kunikida groaned.

"You were encouraging the behavior" She put her hands on her hips, "Now sit in your assigned seats" Her tone was sharp, and demanding.

All our seats were spread apart, all the teachers already talked crap about how all three of us together were hell on earth. It wasn't until middle school that an unknowing teacher would assign us together, hopefully, I smirked.

"Alright class, let's all start with icebreakers" Mrs. Jackson started the class.

Another kid ran into the class last minute, bright ginger hair, and blue eyes. His hair was short, along with his height. Something seemed off about him, as he sat down in his seat, the name on the placker, Chuuya. 

I didn't really pay any mind, nor did I care, "Lets start with, your names, where you were born, and an unbelievable fact that is true about you" The teacher said, "Starting with, Kunikida"

"My name is Doppo Kunikida, but I like to be called Kunikida" He started, "I was born in Los Angeles, California, and I can solve any math in my head, like a calculator" 

"Mmn hmm" The teacher nodded. A few more students went, then it came down to Ranpo in the middle.

"My name's Ranpo Edogawa, I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, moved to San Francisco 3 years ago..." He paused, "I can find almost anything that's lost, I just sense it" He shrugged.

More peers went as I grabbed out a notebook, I knew Mrs. Jackson would give us a lot of homework. She was known for that, plus, I actually had to do it because 50% of my grade was homework.

"えっと... My name is Chuuya Nakahara... Born in Osaka, 日本... I'm half 日本人..." Me, Ranpo, and Kunikida looked towards the kid.

"I'm sorry, Neehan gin?" The teacher tilted her head.

"Nihon jin, Mrs. Jackson!" Ranpo corrected her.

"What did he say?" A kid whispered.

"He said, he was born in Osaka, Japan, he's half Japanese" Kunikida translated.

"Yes" Chuuya mumbled, he looked so embarrassed.

"Ah, it's okay Chuuya, a big move from Japan to America must be tough, especially with two parents that only speak Japanese"

"僕のパパは英語がわかってる" Chuuya rolled his eyes, whispering under his breath.

I snickered a little, at the comment, "What's so funny Osamu?" The teacher raised her eyebrow.

"He's not stupid, his dad speaks English, getting Nihon, and Japan mixed up is common, I had trouble with it" I smirked.

"Well, this is America, he'll have to adjust because we speak English here" She stuck up her nose.

"Can you speak another language Mrs. Jackson?"

"No"

"Seems like Chuuya is a lot smarter than you" I cracked.

"Güera..." The Hispanic kids snickered.

"Okay Dazai, how about a pop quiz right now" She smiled.

"Sure" I shrugged.

"Tell me what an pseudonym is" She smiled.

"Author's signature name, like J.W. Griffith..." I answered.

"Jubilation"

"Great happiness"

"Demagogue"

"To lead the people" I smirked, "Mrs. Jackson, I should warn you I read dictionaries for fun" I giggled.

"How about this one, Referral"

"It means you're mad I was right" I cracked my fingers.

"Go to the office, Osamu" She handed me the yellow paper, I grabbed it gladly and walked out of the class.

This meant I had to sit until recess, which was ass. I hoped Kunikida would get the homework for me, he usually did that. I walked all the way up to the office.

"What was it this time, Dazai?" The front lady asked, "On the first day too?"

"Mrs. Jackson is racist" I mumbled.

"Racist?"

"She said to the immigrant kid, how we speak English, this is America" I rolled my eyes.

"Mmm mm, I woulda threw some hands" The office lady scoffed under her breath.

"Do I get out of detention?" I smiled, hopeful.

"No" She deadpanned.

"Aww" I turned to the empty desks.

When I went into the detention area, there sat my biggest rival. Fyodor, or Fyo as people called him, he was held back a year for wreckless behavior. "Wreckless behavior" being he stabbed a kid in the eye with a sharpened broken spork. She made it out with her eye fine, but the dude gave me crazy school-shooter feelings. He practically bullied me the first 4 years of elementary school. We've been separated ever since I threw his head into a concrete wall.

He laughed when I did it.

I sat down in the desk farthest from him, not trying to invoke anything between us. I pulled out my notebook for poems, I liked to write them when I was bored.

"Osamu" 

I ignored his voice, reading my previous haikus and English poems. I felt a little paper ball hit the side of my head, and then another one. I was trying my best to ignore all of the balls landing on my fucking notebook.

"What?!" I snapped, "What could you possibly want Fyo?" I looked at him.

"Hey"

"Hey?!" I scoffed.

"What do you think you're gonna present as?" He asked, he was a year older than me.

"Beta probably"

"Oh? So confident" 

"My brother is an alpha already, so that's that"

"What if you present as omega?"

"My father's side of the family is all Beta, my mother's parents were both alpha, so it's impossible" I said.

"It's too bad if you turn out beta"

"Why?"

"My pheromones are really strong, they'd effect you, but you're pre-presented, got in here for making a teacher submit" He chuckled, "I just thought it would be interesting to see you grovel"

"Where is this conversation going to?" I asked, "Even if I was alpha, I wouldn't present until middle school, or at the earliest the end of this year, we would be in separate classes" I raised a brow.

"You're right, it's too bad, you'd make a cute omega too" He snickered.

If you could see my face it was disgusted, "Cute omega" I repeated, trying not to throw up.

"Yeah, I've never had someone throw a punch back, let alone make me bleed" He smirked, "I have to say I left with a little crush on you"

"Okayy..." I looked back at my book, I definitely did not feel the same way. Plus I was only 11! Crushes were fucking weird.

"Dazai, tell me, you have any crushes?"

"No, I'm 11"

"What about Kunikida?"

"That ugly mug? No, he's my best friend" I giggled, even the thought was fucking hilarious.

"What if he was an omega?"

"Still would be my friend, I don't think of him that way" I scoffed with a little laugh.

"Ever watch porn?"

"No, I-" I got red, "I don't watch that stuff" 

"Innocent, and clueless" He smiled.

"I'm going to stop this conversation" I said, looking away. 

"Adult conversations make you nervous?"

I kept quiet, continuing my poems, not giving him what reaction he wanted. Of course I had come across porn once or twice, but I don't fucking watch it, religiously. This freak probably fucking did, I think he was trying to get a disgusted reaction out of me.

The time continued until it was lunch, which we all had together. I practically dashed to get out of that detention room. Something was mentally wrong with that guy.

I went behind Kunikida, grabbing him by the neck, pulling him in to ruffle his hair, "Dazai!" He groaned.

"Whassup guys"

"How was detention?" Ranpo asked.

"Fyo was in there"

"So, terrible" Ranpo chuckled.

"Something like that" We stopped in front if the bathroom, "Why are we at the restroom?" 

"We're waiting for Nakahara-kun" Kunikida pushed off my arm.

"Oh, the redhead?" I raised a brow.

"Yeah, the ginger" Ranpo smiled.

"Are we?-"

"I think so, we've been a trio for far too long, gotta be the quad squad soon" Ranpo smiled.

"We have to have the interrogation first" Kunikida smiled.

"Interrogation?" Chuuya came out, our eyes meeting.

"Yeah, we're thinking of you becoming part of the trio, but you have to pass our interrogation" Ranpo smiled with a thumbs up.

"Yep, we've considered you cool enough to join us" Kunikida crossed his arms.

"Oh.." Chuuya chuckled.

"What? What's wrong?" Ranpo asked.

"I just thought..." His eyes looked around, "I wouldn't get friends in California"

"Well, don't worry about that" I mentioned, watching Ranpo walk towards the cafeteria.

"Well, let's get something to eat" Ranpo motioned me over, "Chuuya, do you have a free lunch?"

"My Nee-chan packed me a bento" He pointed to the package.

"Onee-san?" Ranpo arched a brow up.

"Oh! I meant, my mom, Nee-chan just gave it to me" Chuuya smiled.

Kunikida and Chuuya walked to find our normal table. Ranpo's mom had an important job, so he had no bentos. And, well, Oda barely knew how to cook rice, and Golden Curry, I had to teach myself to cook. Me and Ranpo both got hamburgers, and some terrible iceberg lettuce salads.

I heard from Oda the ones in Japan are much better. Or at least that's what I hope, I've only been to Japan once, since my parents passed, our family doesn’t contact often. I sat down at the table, all of us huddling in the corner.

"Let the interrogation begin" Ranpo chomped on his hamburger.

"Alright, first question, are you Japanese?" Kunikida asked.

"Uh, yeah" Chuuya gave an annoyed look.

"Second question, why do you have red hair?" Ranpo blurted.

"I-" Chuuya fumbled, "Father is Irish" He made himself smaller.

"I'm a quarter white" I said briefly. 

"Wait, what?! You've been wasian this whole time?" Ranpo's hamburger fell out of his mouth.

"My grandmother was Scottish, that's why Oda has red hair and blue eyes" I shrugged. 

"Whether you have white in you is irrelevant, you're Japanese, raised with the culture" Kunikida ticked his eyebrow in anger.

"But, Dazai, you didn't say anything about being w-"

"Shut it! Let's continue the conversation" Kunikida cut him off, "Okay, third question, do you like to play video games?"

"Oh, yeah, favorite is Final Fantasy" Chuuya lit up, "And Persona"

"Perfect, fourth question, are you not normal?" Kunikida asked.

"What does that mean?" Chuuya's eyebrows furrowed.

"Are you like and outcast, don't get along with other kids, ect." I translated to Japanese.

"Oh, yeah, that's why I thought I wouldn't get along with anyone" Chuuya bit on his words.

"Last question, do you like anime?" Kunikida closed the notebook.

"Uh, cho- a little" Chuuya looked scared.

"Hmm" Ranpo stroked his non-existant goatee.

"They're not actually thinking about it, you passed" I whispered in his ear.

"Oh, goodness" Chuuya breathed out.

"You ruined the suspense!" Ranpo exclaimed.

"You guys were scaring him!" I fought.

Kunikida stared at us both, sighing out, "Those two can argue for hours" He whispered to Chuuya, as me and Ranpo continued to bicker.

"Well, that's what you guys did with me!" He spat.

"Yeah cause you could handle it!"

"I cried!"

"Yeah, you were a baby-"

"I was 9!"

"Baby"

"Guys" Kunikida stated.

"You're the baby!"

"Guys" Kunikida strictly warned.

"Nu-uh I am not!" 

"Guys!" Kunikida yelled.

"Yeah" We chimed.

"We have to initiate the spit seal" Kunikida smiled, spitting in his hand, as we all followed.

"Uehh" Chuuya gulped, spitting in his hand, we all shook eachother, our hands sticky with eachothers.

"And just like that, we are the quad sqaud" Kunikida brought out hand sanitizer wipes.

"Cool!" Ranpo exclaimed, all of us excited to hang out.

"Alright kids, out the cafeteria! Your 30 minutes is up, if you still have food take it outside!" The teacher yelled, Ranpo and me trashing our food.

We all headed to the playground, flipping up on the monkey bars. Helping Chuuya up to the bars to sit on top of them. I sat on the edge, looking down at the ground, Kunikida and Ranpo starting conversation with the new guy. My mind swirling with the thought of how easy it would be to land on my neck and the-

"Dazai! Stop thinking of suicide!" Ranpo joked.

Kunikida laughed, same with Chuuya, "You're right, I should stop" I joked back.

"Why did you move to America?" Ranpo asked.

"Yeah Japan sounds so much better, less idiots" Kunikida chuckled.

"Uh, my dad he... uh-" Chuuya mumbled, "He did a bad back in Japan" 

"A bad?" Ranpo hooked a brow.

"He loved another woman, so my mom moved back with my grandparents"

"Oh, so he's a manwhore-" I chucked, "An unfaithful bastard"

"He's not a bastard!" Chuuya got upset.

"Why would he cheat then? He's a bastard, who didn't love his omega right" I deadpanned.

"He loves my mom!" Chuuya yelled, "He just made a mistake-"

"Oh so his dick slipped and went in another woman?" I smirked.

"Dazai!" Ranpo yelled. 

"What? You shouldn't do that to your mate!"

"He just-" Chuuya started crying.

"Yeah, and your dad should have you assist his suicide but here you are defending him too!" Kunikida crossed his arms. 

I gritted my teeth, "You're comparing Apples to Oranges 'Kida" I rolled my eyes, "My father needed help, he wasn't cheating on his sick wife!" 

"But he shouldn't have had his pup fucking call the police while he blew his brains out!" Kunikida clenched the bars.

"My dad wasn't a bastard enough to go and cheat on his wife" I defended.

"No but he was a coward enough to join her, when he needed to care for you!"

"Coward? Do you know how much guts it takes to take your own life? Trust me, I'm a coward!" I screamed.

"Then-" Ranpo covered Kunikidas mouth.

"Don't say something you'll regret you two" Ranpo sighed, "Fuck you're dramatic" 

I gritted my teeth, looking away, "My dad isn't a bastard" Chuuya said through tears.

"Sorry" I turned away.

"Kunikida, you need to not be so sensitive about this subject because your mom cheated her first year of marriage" Ranpo let go of his mouth. 

"We all have our own family issues, and our own shit, throwing it in eachothers faces is stupid!" He continued.

"Sorry, Kunikida, sorry, Chuuya" I muttered, under my breath.

"Its okay" Nakahara looked away, wiping his tears, his little face wet from crying.

"Kunikida?" Ranpo warned, almost as a threat.

"Hmph!" He stuck up his nose, typical of Kunikida.

The bell obnoxiously rang, all of the kids running to the set up lines, while we all walked to them. Mrs. Johnson lined up to the line, our silence scaring her as we stood on that yellow paint.

"Alright let's get into class everyone, you're all 6th graders so let's set an example for the younger elementary students" She said as we followed into class, sitting in our seats.

The class went on, we all kept quiet and did our work to ourselves. I focused on thinking about everything, I knew where I went wrong, I apologized, but what made me react so harshly? Why did I care so much that I genuinely had harsh words with someone I barely knew?

It kind of ate at me, I was trying to pay attention to integers at the same time though. Four minus negative 6, well, that was just 10. Still, I tried to think back on it, was it a moral? Not to treat people that way? No, it wasn't one of my morals. Then it kinda hit me. 

The conversation I had with Oda in 5th grade.

-

"So that's how babies are made?" I looked down. Everything I had known seemed like a simple explanation compared to this.

"Yes" Oda uncomfortably pursed his lips. "I know it's a lot to process" He shifted his seating, "I wanted to talk to you about this before your school did, I feel like you're someone who learns very quickly, so letting you know more-" He sighed, "It seemed more beneficial to explain it logically to you"

"Yeah" I looked down, "So... I shouldn't take advantage of Omegas?" I stopped, "You said that earlier, what exactly does that mean?"

"Omegas, and women specifically, in society are treated differently than us" He gestured out, "A male omega will be treated better than a woman one" He looked around, "They often during heats, are very weak, and vulnerable, and Alphas... they'll take advantage of that weakness" 

"How?" I asked, "I feel like you're avoiding that topic"

"You hit it right on the nose everytime kid" Oda sighed, "It's a difficult subject, sexual assault" He explained. 

"So, they force them to do things?" I asked.

"Yes, the things I explained"

"But I thought that you're only supposed to do things when the other person says yes, doesn't everyone follow that? Shouldn't they feel horrible?"

"Not everyone is selfless Dazai" He held my shoulder, "People are horrible, they take advantage of those social imbalances and hurt their omegas" 

"Is, sexual assault, is it the worst thing you could do?"

"Worse than murder" Oda said, "Some of the Women and Omegas I've helped on the job, they wish they were dead" He breathed out sadly, "So don't ever let your urges take over to control you, and hurt somebody"

"That's assuming I'm an alpha"

"I don't need you to present to know, it's all in your demenour and physic, so you have to promise me, like I promised our dad that you won't ever mistreat them, you won't abuse them, sexually, or emotionally" He looked in my eyes.

"I promise" I looked in his eyes.

"You have to make sure you keep them safe, Omegas, women and children" He patted my back.

"I will" I smiled slightly.

"Dad would be so proud of you kid"

-

"Dazai?!" The teacher snapped, I woke up from my memory dream, looking at the board.

"Yes?"

"The answer!" She pointed to the problem.

"34"

"How did you get that answer?" She sighed, "Come up here, and write it out" 

"Alright" I went up and answered very quickly, writing down everything on the board.

The teacher watched as I wrote down the explained equation. My mind boggling with the dividers as I continued. I slashed the expo marker a few more strokes until I approached the answer. Slowly I backed up, going back to my assigned seat. I sighed out as Mrs. Johnson looked over my answer. 

"Good job Dazai, looks great" She continued her lesson, noting down more information and a few more problems to solve on the board.

Chuuya was called up to do a hard question, while Kunikida was flying by the problem with no issue; I watched as that little redhead clenched the Expo marker, his face becoming red with embarrassment. Kunikida looked like he was whispering something to him, as if he was telling the answer over to his ear.

“Kunikida! Let him answer the question by himself” She scolded, Kida’ walked himself back to the seat. But, Chuuya was frozen, lost in the numbers as if they were a threat, I swore maybe he was shaking. 

“I..I-” He stuttered, “I don’t know” He gulped, “I don’t know any of this” He admitted, putting down the marker on the ledge of the whiteboard.

“How far do you know?” The teacher asked.

“I don’t know these…” Chuuya pointed to the negatives and positives on the board.

“Integers? Have you not been in school the whole year?” She scoffed.

“My parents are separated, and we moved 6 months ago, so no” He angrily responded, she deserved the sass after that comment.

“Oh, that would’ve been wonderful for your mother to fill in” She rolled her eyes, “You wouldn’t be in this class if that were the case…” She walked to her desk, “How are you to make up 6 months of sections” She pinched her temples. 

“I… don’t know” He shook, “I can’t go back” He sighed.

“Set back on English and Math, let’s hope your science and history are up to date” She tapped on her laptop.

“I’m not stupid, I just don’t know integers, Japan is ahead of America in lessons” He sighed, “And of course I don’t know American History, but I could tell you about the Nara to the Meji period” He rolled his eyes.

“It’d be nice if your mother spoke more English to explain rather than you” She backhanded.

“Shut up” He snapped, “うらさい !” He screamed, “You’re racist, and I’m sick of it!” Chuuya stood his ground, “My mother is trying her best, she’s only been here twice! And then she has to deal with people like you when she’s trying so hard!”

“It is not my issue that we speak English here, she needs to learn if she’s going to raise her children here, obviously she’s not trying hard enough” She narrowed her eyes, and Kunikida started recording on his iPod.

“How could you say something like that!” One of the kids yelled, “Chuuya’s mom is trying her hardest!”

“Immigrants shouldn’t be in this country if they can’t speak the language we require” She laughed, “I don’t know why I’m arguing with children!” She screamed, slamming the paper on the desk. “I want everyone to shut up about this, it’s non-negotiable, all of you should love this country and be proud to be here!”

“We’re proud to be American, but not the American you want” I said, clicking my mechanical pencil.

“And what is that Dazai?”

“Your family came here not speaking English, busted their ass to make this country the way it is, don’t you think it’s insensitive to expect a traumatized, single woman omega to make up and learn a language scared and helpless?" I asked. 

"She should do her duty as an omega and raise her children" Her eyebrow ticked up.

"Its the duty of an Alpha to also raise their children, they have duties as well, omegas aren't treated the same way in this society" I clicked my pencil, staring into her eyes. 

"If you know so much Dazai, how about you do something with it" She narrowed her eyes.

I cultivated bullets with my stare, "No wonder your husband left, since you act like such a conniving wretch" I smirked.

"No wonder your father committed suicide, he had nothing left" She looked me up and down.

"I mean, I'm the failure, but there was no reason for my brother, so he just wanted to go…" I trailed off, "I also don't recall in his suicide letter, Dazai was a shitty kid so I offed myself" I scratched my nose, "But since you know so much, Mrs. Johnson please enlighten me where it said that-" I snickered.

"It doesn't need to"

"Did I step on your toes? Thought you'd get under my skin?" I rolled my wrist as explaining, "I'm the one that seemed to hit a nerve, you must have some guilt about how you treated your husband" I blinked nonchalantly.

"Shut up!" She slammed her ruler on the desk, "The point of this conversation is how behind Chuuya is on math-" She scoffed, "I'm over this crap in my classroom"

Some of the kids were shaking in the classroom, although I couldn't feel it; I'm sure the kids that were reacting were hormone sensitive. Brianna had presented over the winter break as Omega, she was older by birthday, and she was like a leaf. Mrs. Johnson was an Alpha, no surprise there. But the fact that she tried to intimidate me by hormone control was illegal; and could get you charged with being a registered sex offender. It was one thing for children to do it, they can't control those aspects just hitting puberty. 

But an adult will do it on purpose, to control a child, or another adult. Regardless, the rest of class continued, Kunikida stopped recording, as the rest of the class just did the work they were supposed to. I debated contacting Oda, but I feel that would end in handcuffs and not really well. I stayed and thought, it'd be better to tell the principal, rather than doing the other. 

-

"I'm so sorry this has happened, I will do my best to not let it happen again" The principal told me, Kunikida, Brianna, and Chuuya.

"Are you going to fire her?" I asked.

"I don't think that's necessary, I think talking it out will change things" He sighed.

"As much as I believe that would change things, Brianna here could gave been forced into a heat" Kunikida pointed out.

"But she wasn't, and at least we get to work from there" He smiled.

"Brianna has every right to press charges Mr. Anders" I said.

"She does… but Mrs. Johnson has gone through a lot last semester with the divorce, I think it's best to let things flow away"

"If this happened between a boss and an omega assistant she'd be in jail" I pointed out.

"Dazai, I know you like to uphold the law, just like your brother, but sometimes people make mistakes, they do things wrong" He sighed, "Would it be better for you guys if I moved home classrooms? You'd never have to face her afterwards" He offered.

"I- I think that's best I would not like to feel that again" Brianna peeped out.

"Maybe I could do that for the people who feel uncomfortable, I think that would be best." He sighed out, "I'll transfer you guys, and Ranpo outside, it's probably good you guys stick together" He waved off.

We stood up and followed to the assistant out, I felt like it was better. Maybe things would be resolved, but I was mostly glad we were out of that teachers room. It almost felt like that would've happened anyways, I had several little fights with her last semester. Maybe it was only a matter of time before we popped. 

I'd have to explain to Oda, and God, did I not want to do that. He always had his way with things, or his opinions…

And Oda didn't hear any others

-

Chapter Text

"So she just got away with it?" His eyebrow ticked up, he seemed pissed honestly.

"Yeah, pretty much" I picked at the rice curry I made for dinner.

"You should have called me" He sharply inhaled.

"I felt like it would've been too much drama" I looked away.

"It was already enough drama to that girl, Brianna" He ate his rice aggressively, "And that…" He bit, "New kid… Chuuya was it?"

"Yeah"

"You're friends now?" 

"Pretty much, Kida' and Ranpo approved of him in our group" The sound of my spoon echoed.

"And you got along?"

"I-" chucking, "Don't know why that matters"

"Dazai?" His eyebrow arched, "If it didn't you would have answered yes"

"We got in a fight"

"Physical?" He stared at me, his eyes wide.

"No, not that… just argument"

"About what?"

"His uh… mom got cheated on and abused in her relationship by her alpha husband…" I trailed, "He was defending his dad by saying it was a mistake" 

"Dazai…" He looked at me with those eyes; the ones that screamed you shouldn't have done that. 

"I know!" I snapped, I didn't usually snap.

"Then I don't even have to tell you" He kept eating.

"Yeah, you don't" I snarled, eating up my food quickly, sitting up, and going to the sink.

"I've raised you better than to snap at me like that, could you come sit at the table and talk?" He offered.

"I want to be alone" I held back my anger.

"Dazai" He warned, "Come back to the table" He practically ordered.

"Let. me. go." I eyed him.

"Don't speak to me that way!" He raised his voice, "I want to have a mature conversation with you, and you're making it difficult" He pinched his temple.

"Yeah?! Mature? You mean lecturing me for an hour! I'd rather save myself the fucking trouble!" I screamed, jetting to my room, slamming the door.

"Shuji Osamu! We do-" It paused as he opened the door, "Do not slam doors in this house!" He yelled at my doorway, he used my formal name.

"I don't care!" I yelled, "I don't care that I told that other kid his dad was trash!" I screamed, "You told me to stand up for what's right, and then you change your mind when I hold up my opinions?!" I could feel myself getting angrier, "And then you have the audacity to tell me I'm wrong!"

He stood in silence, sighing out, he took a deep breath. "You aren't like other kids Dazai" He said calmly, "Do you even understand why you can't say that stuff in public? Your opinions?" He asked.

"No!" I shook my head frantically.

"Yeah, you don't" He sat next to me, I curled myself away, "That uncontrollable anger you feel, it's hormones" He explained.

"No its because you acted above me" I snapped.

"Dazai, I am above you" He said, I rolled my eyes, "I raised you, I've been here longer, and it's my mistake that I tried lecturing you instead of teaching you" He said, "One day, you'll be above me, and that's my biggest hope"

"I hate this!" I yelled into a pillow.

"Would you like me to leave you alone?" He offered, "Until you're ready?"

"Yes…" I grumbled.

"Okay, you come to me when you're ready" He sighed, walking out the door.

Why was I so angry? I sat up on my bed, holding my pillow, to think of it; the whole argument was stirred by me being irrational. That wasn't like me, why would I just egg-on an argument with Oda? Maybe it was hormones that made me so angry, maybe it was the challenge of my decisions. I couldn't quite tell.

Oda was right about me not being like normal kids. I can't communicate right, I can't socialize correctly, and it made me angry again; that it was just another mess up on my shit. Sometimes I hate having a disorder, sometimes I hate having PTSD, and Depression.

I don't even want to think about it, how that shit challenged me. An 11 year old who thinks like a 20 year old, but I can't figure out why it's inappropriate to tell my opinions!

I wanna kill myself

I punched the pillow, screamed in it, and became numb. Honestly, I just hated Oda's parenting moments, I hated being told what to do. I hated it, and I didn't know why.

I held the pillow, put it down and went to open the door. I walked out to Oda finishing up the dishes, I sat at the table pouting. 

"You're ready?"

"Yeah" I pouted, crossing my arms.

He sat down, sighed, and took off his apron. "You've never reacted like that, Shuji " His eyes met mine, "It's not like you"

"Yeah" I looked down.

"Its refreshing sometimes to see you act like a pre-teen" He slightly smiled, "Reminds me that you're still a kid in there" 

"I-" I bit my words, "I feel like disconnected" I said, "Like I'm not like other kids, I don't know how things are wrong for me to say-"

"I know Dazai, it's almost like you're Autistic" He joked, but I didn't laugh, "A normal kid would've been embarrassed after saying what they did, reacted to making someone upset" He pointed out. 

"I don't like when you bring that up" I exhaled, "My whole life isn't defined by that" I looked away.

"Shuji, but it is part of your life, you struggle with it" 

"Please, just explain to me what I did wrong" I pinched my temples, "Enough with why I'm stupid" I propped myself up by my arm.

"You're not stupid" He corrected, "Your brain is just made differently" 

"Just-" I sighed in annoyance, "Just explain"

"Alright" He pulled his chair in, and clasped his hands almost dramatically. "When people express their morals aloud, it makes others uncomfortable" His thumbs touched back and forth, "People argue, and want to convince you of their side"

"Even if their sides are wrong"

"Dazai, things aren't so black and white" His eyes met mine.

"But it's factual evidence, you shouldn't cheat on your partner, it's shitty and abusive"

"Yes, but some people have -"

"How is that complicated? Don't slip your dick in another woman?"

"Well, I'll give you an example" He coughed, "Say you find out you're gay in a longterm relationship with your wife, you choose to sleep with someone you love…" He trailed, "And you have children"

"Divorce?"

"The children will suffer from a divorce" He mentioned, "You see?" I connected the dots a little, "Its beneficial to stay for the sake of the children"

"So… I can't judge based off of circumstance?"

"Yes, exactly" He sighed out, "But also its rude to tell your opinions without asking"

"How?" My eyebrows furrowed.

"Well, it…" He struggled, "its-" He paused, "It's just something people think is rude" He scratched his head, "Just trust me on that one, Dazai"

"Okay"

"You're doing great kid, honestly, you make parenting easy sometimes" He got up and chuckled a little, putting back on the apron; he went back to the dishes. 

"Do you ever wonder, Oda…" I trailed.

"Hmm?" He turned off the water, looking at me.

"Nothing" I walked back to my room, sitting on the bed, I pulled out my homework. I started working on math, trying to collect my thoughts.

Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if dad was still alive?

I hated that thought, cause I always imagined scenarios of how my dad would be here. How Oda would be married and with kids by now, and a beautiful wife; if it weren't for me. He tried dating but none of the women he wanted were ready to be a mother. I don't blame them, I'd run to the hills too after hearing how his father passed. They must think we're all crazy, all going to off ourselves.

They're not wrong though.

I tried to off myself at 6 years old, over and over again through the years. It wasn't until I found it a useless thought that it stopped; it helped that Oda had a mental breakdown last time. Not that I wanted that, but a year ago he started to snap.

Cried in my chest, told me that I was the last reason he was alive. That it was selfish to do that to him, that we had eachother left. That at least we had our parents in our blood, we could survive on that. He's survived knowing that dad is still with him through me. I can't deny I cried too.

It was too many times I had blamed myself for his death; my rational brain hadn't thought for a second how selfish the act was. He had left me an Oda all on our own, and with my brother in the middle of College. Oda was only 20, not ready to raise a child. And for that, I always blame myself for existing.

I hope Oda finds a beautiful wife to love, and raise his own kids. I hope God has a plan for him, a plan passed my bullshit. 

But my mind always wonders what I'd be like if he was alive. If Oda had gotten married, if I had little nieces and nephews running around in this house. Oda was kind, brave, and loving, he deserved a life he planned out. It truly is my fault he's suffered so much.

If I hadn't been born, mother would be here, and so would my father. Even though Oda says he wouldn't have it any other way; I know his happiness would be fulfilling if he hadn't struggled.

I know my existence has only caused a lot of harm.

Before I snapped out of it, I realized I did all my homework. These dissociative episodes really got me going sometimes. At least I can get my work done at the end of the day. 

Thinking about it, got me back to the stuff Fyo had said. 

"Left me with a little crush on you"

God, he was fucking crazy sometimes, psyco to be honest. But I definitely know that was just the start of our rivalry, we never got along. Neither would we ever get along, man was not in his right mind. As I've said before.

Fyo and me are separated for a reason, it even surprised me that they let us in the same detention room. Enough for me to become disgusted, but that would've happened in seconds anyways.

I felt bad for any Omegas that had to interact with Fyo, As it was, most teachers are Omegas, so it wasn't surprising he was taking advantage of them. 

Although, that guy would get any chance to take advantage of anyone.

A knock stampled on my door, "Hey, Dazai…" Oda smiled, "I'm going to go out for a bit" He notified me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Did you get your homework done?" He asked instead of answering me.

"Yes" I answered.

"All of i-"

"Yes, will you answer my question now?" My eyebrow rose.

"I'm going out with a friend" He said.

"Uncle Saito?" I opened my eyes in curiosity, "He's your only friend"

"No, someone from work, I met… They just moved into town" He was smiling.

"A girl?" I smirked, closing my textbook.

"Yes, Dazai… a girl" He got red, embarrassed as hell.

"Do you like her?" I got up, excited.

"She's… nice, I'm interested, but I wouldn't call it like" He chuckled, "I want to get to know her… so we're going out"

"On a date?" I grinned.

"Yes, like a date" He deadpanned, "I just want you to promise you won't burn down the house" 

"You're more likely to burn down the house than me"

"You're right… well, I'm going out with her" He started closing the door.

"What's her name?".

"Amber" He said, "Amber Hollow" His chest lifted with a sigh.

"A white girl?" I looked confused.

"She's… not" He shook his head.

"Then, it's not usual for you to go after non-asian women" I pointed out.

"She is" He defended.

"Half? I tilted my head.

"She's Black and Asian-"

"What kind of Asian?"

"Dazai it does not matter" He said in annoyance, "She's my date, race doesn't matter"

"I want someone to make me Bentos" I said sadly.

"Well, crush those dreams, she's Vietnamese" He shut the door.

I pouted, looking at my textbook, and back at my ipod. I guess I could invite Ranpo and Kida' over.

I really wanted bentos.

-

"You brought the red-head?!" Me and Ranpo chimed. 

"Well, I found out Chuuyas grandparents are the old couple down the street" Kida said, "So I brought him over?"

"We don't mind-" Ranpo defended, "I just didn't expect it" 

"Yeah, and Dazai?" Kida asked.

"Its fine, but did he bring a ps3 controller?" I asked.

"Well, as expected we're ahead of you-" Kida pulled it out of his bag. 

"Good, you like Mortal Combat?" I smirked, "Or sonic racers?" 

"Both, I like both" Chuuya mumbled.

"You're so quiet all the time, Chuuya" Ranpo pointed out, "We don't bite"

"I'm not… silent I don't know how to put together English sentences" He sighed.

"Well, cool we're all fluent" Ranpo said, "If it does make it easier we could just speak Japanese" Ranpo switched.

"I need to practice" Chuuya said back.

"Well, how about we speak Japanese when hanging out, and English in school" Kida said.

"That's good" Chuuya replied.

"Is it real?" I switched to my other language.

"What?" He asked.

"Your hair? Is that your true color?" I asked.

"Yes, I can't dye it in Japan-" He defended. "Doesn't your brother have red hair?" His eyebrow lifted.

"Yes, he does" I pointed to the picture on the wall.

"What's Oda doing anyways?" Ranpo started to set up the Playstation in the livingroom.

"On a date" 

"Whoa!" Ranpo and Kida chimed.

"He doesn't have a wife?" Chuuya asked, "Did she die like your parents?" 

"No! Oda never got married!" I scoffed.

"Sorry! I assumed!" Chuuya waved his hands, "He's just very handsome, I thought he'd have no trouble with the ladies-"

"Does Chuuya find your brother attractive?" Ranpo did his stupid smile.

"No! He's just very attractive!" Chuuya defended, "Like, as a compliment, I'm not into older men!"

"Sounds defensive" Ranpo giggled.

"Sakunosuke is an attractive man, I don't deny he can land a very beautiful woman" Kida' said honestly, "And I wouldn't put it past Chuuya to have a crush-" Kida smirked.

"I dont!" Nakahara got red in the cheeks.

"Oda isn't into men, and especially little boys-" I rolled my eyes, "So all of you stop"

"Aww… but it was fun to tease Nakahara-"

"I forgot to ask do you prefere to be called your last name or first?" Kida' asked.

"Uh, you are my friends so Chuuya is fine" His cheeks were so red.

"Chuuya it is, and enough about my brother" I sat down in the livingroom. 

"Who's the girl?" Ranpo asked.

"Some girl from his work" I turned on the Playstation.

"He's never dated since I met you, honestly thought to guy was just a loner" Ranpo took off his hat. 

"Well, he said women his age weren't very interested in raising a kid, so I think since he's turning 27, he thought women his age would be ready for that-" I assumed.

"That's true" Ranpo sat back as Kunikida went in my room to get the other controller.

"Is this your dad?" Chuuya asked, I hadn't even noticed he got up and was looking around.

I looked over behind, "Uh if he's got brown wavy hair, yeah" I called back.

"Wow…" Chuuya stared at the picture.

"What? Do you think Dazai's dad is attractive now too?" Ranpo teased.

"No! I was admiring how much they look alike!" He pouted again.

"Stop teasing the red-head" I smirked, pulling up Mortal Kombat.

Kunikida came back with the controllers, plugging each of them in to register the connection. He handed each of them over to Chuuya, and Ranpo. Chuuya sitting down by Kida' his legs tucked under him as he sat. Ranpo seemed to get his attention span on picking out a character. 

"No I want Scorpion!" Ranpo complained to Kunikida.

"You always get him!" Kida' argued, "I can't always have the others!"

I picked out Chun Li, sighing as the two argued back and forth over Scorpion. Chuuya had already picked, his giggles filling the room as the two continued. I kind of dissociated until the two had settled down; of course Ranpo got what he had wanted. Kunikida was butthurt, but compromised to have Scorpion next round. 

"Alright, let's start" I mentioned, pressing the start button.

I had won against Kunikida the first round, The next being Ranpo vs Chuuya. Everyone was so surprised when the little red-head had beat Ranpo in under 10 minutes. Ranpo was hard to beat, and that made me nervous. I always went easy on him cause Ranpo had sore loser syndrome; it really effected him.

It was me vs Chuuya, and I amped up my game to beat him. The game kept going on and on, 30 minutes of defense and offense from both sides. Ranpo cheering me on while Kida' cheered on Chuuya. It was wild, it wasn't until 40 minutes that Chuuya had finally beat me, the whole crew getting loud and cheering.

"WOAH! Chuuya you're super good! You should play on regular mode, holy shit!" Ranpo egged on.

"GG, bro" I fist bumped Chuuya.

"GG?" His head tilted, confused.

"Its stands for Good Game" Ranpo blurted. 

"Aaah" Chuuya nodded, "GG" He smiled.

"Still I'd love to see you play gameplay" I mentioned, handing over the first person controller.

"Sure" He grabbed it.

All of us for some time watched Chuuya beat level after level. He was honestly a beast at the game. The cheering got crazy as soon as he got to the boss level; unsurprisingly Kida' backseat played. But Chuuya knew what to do to defeat the boss.

I hadn't realized how much time had passed, and dinner needed to be made. I know I had Katsudon planned for me and Oda but I could honestly split the porkchops into four for is to eat. Or, I could order a pizza...

Oda left me his credit card to use for emergencies; this wasn't one but I'm pretty sure he'd not care. So I made the call for large pepperoni, so we could eat all together. Ranpo, Kida' and Chuuya made calls to their parents letting them know they might stay the night and they were eating there. We had a spare bedroom, and it could fit 2, we had couches and I didn't mind sharing with Kida' we always did back in the day. 

It took about 30 minutes for the pizza to show up. After eating we decided to play minecraft together. Me and Ranpo did killing and looting while Kunikida did the mining. Chuuya was good at building houses. With pizza plates everywhere, greasy controllers, and no adult supervision we were chaotic and crazy. Staying up past midnight, and getting into the ice cream. 

I wasn't allowed to do that on a school night, but everyone had their homework done for tomorrow. I didn't see the big deal, we were kids having fun, pre-teens being rebellious. Well, rebellious but responsible.

Ranpo had passed out, his pizza by his side. And me, Chuuya and Kida' were talking about life and getting to know one another. The minecraft world saved, only pizza plate out was Ranpos that he fell asleep eating. 

"In the end I never expected to move to the US" Chuuya said.

"When my mom cheated, somehow it worked out, my dad forgave her. It helped that they were pregnant with me" Kunikida said.

"Are you someone elses?"

"No, my dad got a DNA test the moment I was born, to check that the man she got with never had to be part of our life" He looked up to the ceiling. 

"Ah, it's just me and my older sister in the house... plus my grandparents" Chuuya said 

"I'm an only child" Kida' said, "My mom got her tubes tied after me" 

"What about your mom Chuuya?" I asked.

"She's there... but she's suffering from mark withdrawals" He said, "She's trying to fight the mark my dad gave her" He looked away.

"Your grandparents must love your mom a lot to choose her over your father" I mentioned.

"They do, they've always loved her over my dad, said she was out of his legue a lot" He mumbled out quietly. The silence hitting the air for a moment.

"Do you think she'll forgive?" Kida asked.

"No, she's done" Chuuya sighed, looking over at me, "What about you Dazai? What happened to your mom?"

"She died giving birth to me, too high off of hormones" I deadpanned.

"O-oh" He stumbled, "I'm sorry" He looked at me.

"Its okay, didn't know her... plus I think Oda's been a satisfactory father figure and older brother" I smiled, "We've always had eachother" I sighed out, both of us noticing Kida had fell asleep.

Chuuya laid quietly on the floor, looking to the ceiling. "What do you think you'll be Dazai? When you grow up?"

"I want to be a police officer or case worker like Oda..." I mentioned, "I want to help people" 

"No, I meant like... presenting" Chuuya mumbled, "I want to be a model, or a actor though" He giggled.

"Alpha or Beta... I have the parts for it" I said blankly, "Oda thinks I'll be an Alpha like him, cause he was growing like I was"

"I'm gonna be an Omega or a Beta" Chuuya mumbled, "The parts... there's no way I can be an Alpha" He frowned.

"What are you hoping for?" I asked.

"Beta... I don't want to be an Omega, like my mom and suffer" He looked away.

"Omegas are mistreated a lot" I notioned, "But there's people who care for them, they're often protected by the masses" I mentioned.

"Yeah..." He stared off, "I just want to be treated normally, not effected y'know?" He smiled, "Not like a baby machine"

"I don't think Omegas are that, they care a lot, and have good heart" I smiled back, "Look at your mom, she's trying so hard, I think Omegas have grit" 

He looked in my eyes, "Yeah" He grinned, shifting closer to me. 

"Your eyes are so pretty" I said aloud, "it's so interesting to see someone Japanese with blue eyes and red hair"

"You think?" He giggled, "It's funny, my hafu features were made fun of back home... I can tell you're the same though" He turned to me, "Your eyes are amber, light brown... not many Japanese have that"

"I can't believe someone would bully you for having beautiful hair and eyes" I chuckled, "Trust me, here people dye their hair to have what you got" I scoffed with a giggle. 

"You called me beautiful and pretty" He had the most genuine smirk on his face, "I don't think you realized that"

I got up, embarrassed, "I didn't mean it that way! It was a genuine compliment" I whisper-yelled, "I have a lot of trouble with compliments versus intentions" I fiddled with my hands, my stimming going off the hook.

"No you're fine, I'd just thought I'd let you know" He got up, "I understood your intentions" He grabbed my hands, holding them.

For once, someone had understood me, and it hit me like a truck. Chuuya got what I was meaning even though it isn't what was communicated, and I felt my heart flutter with happiness. "Thanks for letting me know" I looked in his eyes again, "You're a good friend, Chuuya" 

"Thanks" He nodded, "You too" He let go of my hands.

"How did you know?"

"Know what?" He asked.

"Know to grab my hands and how I communicated" I mumbled.

"My cousin, she has uh... this thing called Asburgers... Your hands were the same as her" He looked away. 

"Oh..." I said quietly, I felt like I was back in a box.

"Do you have a disability like that?" He asked.

Ranpo was the only one to know, when we were younger his mom wanted to get him friends. Ranpo had AuADHD, he knew we communicated a lot alike, but he leaned more to his other diagnosis. So it was hard, getting others to understand me.

"Yeah" I mumbled, I felt like I was corned. 

"I have no idea what it's like to have that..." He grabbed my hands again, "Thank you for telling me, I won't say anything"

"Please don't" I squeezed his hands.

"No problem" He smiled, giving my hands a last squeeze, letting go.

I was about to say something back when the door opened. Oda was with a woman, his hand on her waist, and her hand under his button up. Me and Chuuya looked wide-eyed.

"Odasaku!" The woman pushed him off, her face bright red as she kept up her composure.

"What are you doing up?! It's 2am!" Oda yelled at me, he looked at us kids. 

Oh, he was mad

"Why is Kunikida, Ranpo and..." He trailed, "Who is that!?" He woke up Kida' and Ranpo.

"I'm Chuuya" He peeped.

"We have all our homework done!" I defended, Kida' and Ranpo nodded.

"I don't give a shit-" He slurred, "You shouldn't be up this late, and a I leave you for one time-" He scoffed, "One time, Shuji!" He yelled.

"Are you really upset with me or mad that you got embarrassed in front of your date?" I said flatly.

"No! I'm furious you're a bunch of 11 year olds, on your own in a house!" He got upset, "and yes! I'm embarrassed Shuji!" 

"You make a fair point but..." I trailed, "I didn't think you'd be gone so long..." I mumbled, "I thought you'd be home by 10"

"Dazai-" He stumbled, "You know what I'm too drunk to care anymore, just know you'll be grounded for sure!" He ordered.

"I'm sorry"

"All of you need to go to the guest room, someone share a bed with Shun- Dazai" He shooed us off, Kida' and Ranpo going to the guest room. 

"Dazai you are in so much trouble!" He made a face of dissapointment. 

I felt so guilty, but at the same time, I didn't understand what was so wrong. Well, it's not my fault that I was left all alone until 2am. I was a kid anyways, I felt like I wanted to argue, but Oda was drunk. And he wanted us out to do dirty things with his date, I intervened that.

"I'm so sorry... I hope I didn't ruin the mood" Oda said to Amber.

"No, I have lots of siblings, it's understandable" She said, "And you're so hot, you could never ruin the mood~"

I audibly gagged with Chuuya going into my room and shutting the door. I sighed out, yeah I was in trouble but I was secretly hoping Oda was so plastered he wouldn't remember.

"Your name is Shuji?" 

"Shuji Osamu Dazai... is my full name" I looked at Chuuya, "I'm sorry you'll have to sleep with me, I'm relatively still, so I won't kick you off"

"Its fine" He mumbled, "Do you think he'll be forgiving tomorrow?"

"He's mad he didn't get laid" I deadpanned, "Should've gone to her place" 

"Laid?" Chuuya’s head tilted, I hadn't realized I was speaking English to him.

"Like..." I couldn't explain in Japanese, I was never taught dirty words or sex-education words. "Like you know, when two people love eachother-" I said in Japanese.

Chuuya said something in Japanese, I didn't know it, how could I explain? I knew very little about that. I decided to use the word Chuuya had used earlier, which I'm pretty sure had meant to mark someone.

"You know the thing you do when you mark someone" I said, Chuuya got so red.

"Already?!" He mumbled.

"No, the thing you do" I was frustrated.

"I don't understand-" He sighed in worry.

"Sex??? Do you know sex?" I said it in English.

"No?" He tilted his head.

God I need to learn from Oda about those words! I made a stupid hand gesture, which of course he didn't understand.

"Give me a moment!" I went on my ipod, looking it up briefly, "This!"

"Ooooh!" Chuuya sighed, "That word is, 房事" He said, I face palmed. "So Laid, it's like slang?"

"Yes, Oda is mad he didn't get Laid" I explained finally.

"I'm pretty sure he will still get what he wants" He giggled, "She looked very intrested"

"And in his type" I mumbled, "So I'm not surprised he's upset" I looked down, "I ruin everytime he has a good thing going for him"

"I don't think that's true" Chuuya smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

"You know, you're a really good listener" I grinned back, "That's gonna come in handy later"

"Yeah, my sister says so too" He looked in my eyes.

"Let's go to bed" I motioned, going under the covers, Chuuya tucking himself under next to the wall.

I felt myself dive into sleep pretty fast, forgetting to set my alarm for school. I would say that was the last time Chuuya and I talked about deep shit; but it truly wasn't. Over the years we got closer, the best of friends, and maybe a little more.

But that was just the beginning.

Chapter Text

4 months later

"You boys get back here!" The store clerk yelled, as me and Ranpo ran off with cupcakes.

"You... know we ... could of just asked for money to pay for these?" I mentioned, breathing for my life as I ran.

"Yeah but it's not as fun!" Ranpo giggled, as we ran to our hidden bikes, pulling the beanies off of our faces. We got on the bikes, riding down to Ranpos place.

Ranpo was an only child, and you could tell by the way he acted. So was Kida' though, they were both only children, but in their own ways. Anyways, we stole these cupcakes for tomorrow for Chuuya's birthday. His mom couldn't afford any for the class and all of us wanted a little celebration, and me and Ranpo secured the bag.

By the time we got to Ranpos place, his mom was home. We had to avoid her figuring out we stole the cupcakes; so it was off to my house. It was only a little bike ride away, and I knew Oda wouldn't be home, he was at work.

"Well, shit" Ranpo said as we stood there on our bikes, the cupcakes in hand.

"That's that" I stared at the blue Toyota Corolla parked in the driveway. "Would you rather deal with your mom or Oda?"

"Oda" He answered frantically.

We took our losses and walked up to my house, short giggling could be heard from the front door. I opened the front door, of course the giggling came from Amber and him.

"Dazai, you're back home" Oda mentioned, there was whiskey on the table. He stared at the cupcakes. "And Ranpo" He added.

"Yeah" I said without a word going to put the cupcakes on the table.

"Where did you get the cupcakes?" He notioned to them, picking up his cup of alcohol.

"I bought it with my allowance" Ranpo lied.

"You must have saved up a lot" Amber smiled, "It's good you're becoming responsible with money, especially this early"

"Yeah…" Ranpo trailed off, stuffing the cupcakes into the fridge. "You'll bring them tomorrow right, Dazai?"

"Yep" I noted.

"Well, I better be on my way" Ranpo was bad at lying, so it was better for him to go away than keep the facade. He quickly was getting his bag.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked, "We're riding with Oda remember?"

"Oh yeah, uh, see you tomorrow Odasaku!" Ranpo waved off, smiling at me before he shut the door.

Hopefully Oda was too buzzed to notice the awkward silence. I grabbed my bag, slowly heading to my room, sighing under my breath in relief. As soon as my heels of my converse clicked over I realized what I had done.

"Shit!" I ran over to the doorstep, flopping off the shoes at the door.

"Language young man, you must've read my mind cause I was just going to note that" Oda pointed me up and down.

"Who are the cupcakes for?" Amber asked.

"Chuuya, it's his birthday tomorrow, and his mom can't afford to get him cupcakes for the class" I walked off with my socks.

"You talk about this Chuuya a lot, do you think you might have a crush?" Oda asked.

I stopped in my tracks, turned around and laughed, "Crush on him?" I giggled, "That's hilarious" I deadpanned, "I don't have a crush on him!" I walked away, gripping my bag.

"Sounds defensive"

"You're drunk" I said, looking at Oda, "Too drunk to be worrying about who I like" I huffed away, closing my bedroom door behind me.

It had been 4, well, almost 5 months with Chuuya around. I always thought of him as a close friend, like Ranpo and Kunikida. I wasn't in love with him.

I placed my bag on my bed, how could you even tell you liked someone? I was 11, turning 12. Never had my heart pittered or pattered for someone, and definitely not Chuuya Nakahara. We just understood eachother deeply, it never felt like the movies. I decided to do some research, as I always did to understand my feelings. But nothing came of it, I didn't feel what others felt. 

Maybe I can't have crushes, maybe I'm asexual. The thought pondered, but my logistics got in the way. I wasn't presented yet, so no use of jumping to conclusions, when my hormones weren't even developed. I just had to get through it to understand.

I had to think before I jumped.

-

The cupcakes were a lovely surprise to Chuuya, even bringing him to tears. It was a fun little recess break, the whole class congratulating him, and singing. Chuuya seemed to actually thrive a little, and in months I hadn't seen that of him.

I think he really felt like he was at home, welcomed to a new life. I'm glad that I'm a part of that memory as well, that he could rely on me in the littlest of trials. And even in his errors, he was someone that had life around his two fingers. I always think about little moments because loosing someone has taught me to cherish what you have. 

The very few memories of my father I hold on to dearly; memories of Oda raising me and teaching me English. With this, it was memories of happy moments, a smile spread on a red-headed Hafu. I think I started to feel genuinely happy as well, it was a first in a while.

I was happy, and everyone's lives were getting better around me. Oda was dating longterm, and Amber, while I thought was a distraction; is actually the best thing that's ever happened to him. 

When recess ended, we all went back to doing classwork and hitting the final moments of Elementary School. It was back to math and introducing integers with substitutes, I has already studied ahead in the books. Something I wasn't supposed to do even though we were finishing the book. What can I say? I want my finals to be easier, so I can enjoy my summer. 

And with that, Chuuya had invited us over that weekend for a sleepover, a little birthday party just for him. I was actually excited to spend time with friends, go places and live my childhood.

I think I can finally put a date on the time I actually stopped feeling suicidal. 

April, 29th, 2012.

-

2 months later

Ranpo being the oldest and held back a year, presented in the summer. As thought, he was an Alpha, unfortunately locked up for the week of my birthday. Which relatively sucked, but understandable, it was just bad timing for my 12th birthday. 

They say just like Scorpions, Alphas and Omegas are the same. Alike to a baby, they can't control how much venom they attack with. The same goes to presenting, they can't control how much hormones they produce. It's very dangerous, especially for Omegas to present in public. Almost like distributing an Aphrodisiac 10 times the recommended dose. 

Luckily for most Adults they can handle these dosages by a blockage in their brains. Connected to the frontal cortex, is a system called instinctive hormonal gyri. It's a blockage that lets instincts be blocked by mental power. The gyri doesn't activate or control as well when two 11-13 year olds are in the same vicinity. 

But, as a 12 year old, what do I know about Neurology? 

Maybe it was a bad idea to give me an ipod for Christmas. All I do is learn more information to info dump on random people with. It's exhausting, but, back to Ranpo.

I was curious after the week what exactly presenting felt like? Was the world different? Some forms of Alphas were stronger than others. What was Ranpo's rank? I wanted to know all of that information, so I could hear it from someone other than-

"Hey sport-"

"Don't call me sport, you sound like a white dad" I cut off Oda.

"I gotta live up to our quarter though-"

"No you don't" I sat up from my bed, "What is it?"

"Grumpy, maybe you're getting closer to presenting" He scoffed, holding the doorframe. 

"I'm just upset-"

"Yeah, that Ranpo couldn't come to your birthday last weekend, I know…" He sat down next to me.

"God has the worst timing, I really miss him" I sighed.

"It calls for a celebration when he comes over though, he's growing into a young man" He smiled, "I can't wait for you to do the same, you're already so grown"

"What was it like, your first rut?" I asked, I had never asked this question before.

His face blew up with embarrassment, a soft exhale followed by an awkward smile. "Sometimes… I wish dad was alive" He winced, "So I could just be a cool older brother" He sighed out in annoyance.

"Do you not want to tell me?" I arched a brow up.

"No! Shuji … I…" He trailed off, "It's awkward, embarrassing… At the same time I raised you, I'll always feel this barrier…of-"

"Ew, gross that's my brother" I cut him off.

"Yeah!" He agreed, "But I've been more of your father than your brother… so this question is totally appropriate to ask at your age" He straightened.

"I'm just… scared, what if it's really rough for me?" I held my knees to my chest.

"I presented as a Dominant Alpha which, I've explained to you" He scratched the back of his head, "It was really rough, mine lasted for a week and a half, it was scary" He sighed.

"I just want the normal kind" I pouted.

"Likelihood of that happening kid, slim to none-" He chuckled, "Dominant Alphas run in the family"

"But, what was it like, what do I do?" I freaked a little. 

"You'll have me kid, and Amber… having an Omega adult in the house helps a lot with these things" He explained.

"I don't want Amber!" I said in disgust.

"Its not like that" He deadpanned, "Omega hormones with a presenting child help soothe the symptoms… Mom helped soothe mine when I had my rut, despite not being an Omega" 

"Amber is not my mother!" I said in anger.

"I understand that, I'm just saying what would help you through it" He calmly explained.

"You still are refusing to explain anything"

He went to close the door, locking it in a hopes of some kind of privacy. Sitting back down, he exhaled a long breath tinged with annoyance. "It was like, a drug took over my body, I couldn't think, I couldn't control… all I wanted in that moment was another Beta or Omega… and the knot-" He rolled his eyes, embarrassed, "it hurts really bad the first time, so bad that you want to tear your own dick off"

My eyes widened, "But what kind of pain?"

"Sexual, it's sexual pain, constant throbbing a week straight" He mumbled, "You need toys to get through it, especially your first" 

I looked away, fear in my eyes, "I don't want that!" I winced, holding my crotch. 

"It gets better after the first Dazai, and it only happens 4 times a year… I can't promise it won't be scary but you won't be alone during it" He held my shoulder. 

"I don't like pain!" I snapped, "It sounds like it sucks!"

"It does, but spending it with someone makes it way better… one day you'll have a partner that you trust enough to handle you" He promised. 

"Okay…" I grumbled.

"Which comes to my next talk after that embarrassing one…"

"What?" I asked, nervous.

"Amber will be moving in with us" He announced, "Things have gotten really serious between us, we want to take it to the next step" 

"Oh" I said in reply.

"I really think she's the one Dazai…" He smiled, "I want to marry her one day"

"You've only been dating for 5 months…" I mentioned, "How do you know she's the one"

"I just know" He smiled, "I've never felt so happy"

"I want you to be happy" I smiled, it's all I've ever wanted watching you suffer all these years.

"You're the best kid a father could ask for you know that?" He put his hands on my shoulders, bringing me into a hug.

"I know" I hugged into him.

-

Chapter Text

"I can smell everybody!" said Ranpo, "Like Oda, his girlfriend, my mom, my dad!"

"I think everyone can smell their parents Ranpo" I rolled my eyes.

"But it's more intense!" He emphasized with his fingers.

"What does Amber smell like?" Chuuya asked.

"She smells like sunflowers, like a sunny day, and Oda…" He paused, going over to the kitchen to sneak a sniff.

"Well?" Kida' ticked his brow up.

"He smells like a rainy day, and the musk of cedarwood" Finished Amber, "It's the ultimate compliment to sunflowers don't you think?" She set down Gỏi cuốn, as we all circled around.

"Sorry…" Ranpo bashfully looked away.

"You're nothing but a fresh blossom, it's natural to smell your surroundings right after presenting" She set the table, bringing more food.

"Thank you Ms. Hollow" Ranpo sat down, little did we all know, that Amber was his first crush.

"What were we conversating at the table about now, baby?" Oda came down the hallway, taking a seat.

"Dazai… could you get the shrimp from the counter?" She asked, I got up and went to the oil rack, "We were talking about scents, and how Ranpo has been exposed to the wonderful world of them" She continued.

"He was noting how Ms. Hollow smelled of sunflowers" Kida' stated.

"Amber has a sun-like smell to her yes…" Oda said as I walked back with the fried shrimp.

"She was talking about how you compliment her smell" I outed Amber.

Oda flushed at the comment, caught off guard, "Yes, I think so too, darling" He smiled with a genuine tinge.

"Doesn't that mean you'd make a good baby together?" Chuuya commented, Oda spit out his beer, coughing on it. 

Amber giggled a little, "Yes… it usually does" She responded to Chuuya, eying Oda, "It's far too early to be thinking about children though, plus, having one child in the house is enough at the moment" 

"I agree, having a toddler around would be very stressful with a preteen too" He joked.

"You two act like I'm such a nuisance" I sipped kool-aid, rolling my spring-roll together. 

"Stealing cupcakes, hanging out late at night, using my credit-card for pizza… and being out past dark are a few" He eyed me. 

"Stealing cupcakes were for Chuuya's sake, we wanted to do something nice" I argued.

"We already talked about this" He cut me off.

"Well, I think that having heart matters, and I think that's something you and Dazai have in common" Amber complimented.

"Its probably from mom" I noted, chomping my roll.

"Likely" Oda grumbled.

"Speaking of which, how's your mother Chuuya?" Amber asked him.

"She's taking lessons at USF for English so she can get a job soon" He smiled, "and filing for divorce" 

"That's good, she deserves better… I always worry about single Asian mothers… they have a hard time out there…" She mumbled, it was from personal experience that Amber had lost her father at an early age. It was something that Oda and her shared, loosing his mom at 16. 

"She says it's nothing that she can't handle, my sister helps her a lot too, but she's going to University Santa Barbara soon" Chuuya smiled, "I'm happy for them, and my grandparents love us, so we'll be fine"

"We Asian women are strong, we'll get through anything that comes our way, all three of you remember that about your mothers" She pointed to them, "And no matter who or what a woman is, you treat her with respect"

"Yes, ma'am" They chimed, I sat eating my spring roll continuously. 

"Dazai? Could you pass me the red flakes?" Oda asked, I passed them over, "Thanks"

We ate dinner and then watched a movie together before Ranpo and Kida' were picked up. It was another me and Chuuya night, for some reason he preferred to sleep in the same bed as me. It was something with trauma that gave him anxiety of being abandoned; and waking up alone triggered that. I didn't mind so much anymore, being with Chuuya felt complete. Sometimes he would cuddle against my side, laying his head on my chest. I would pretend to sleep when that would happen, just in case he'd wake up. Often, Chuuya was flustered when he realized, whispering sorries as if I could hear them asleep.

Tonight was one of those nights where he was bundled up against my side, slightly hugging me. Ranpo had done this multiple times in his slumber, spooning me annoyingly. Most of the time, I'd hit him with a pillow and he'd roll over. Not Chuuya though, his head placed on my ribs. Whenever we were like this, my heart would catch up with a panic. My face would feel so hot, and I couldn't move. It was like I didn't want the moment to end but it would. I was so hesitant but I wanted to hold him back. But, I knew that would be out of the question, Chuuya was as embarrassed as I was. That little fact kept me from confronting any of our sleeping nights. Any of the times I felt my heart beat in my chest, or how my eyes felt heavy. It didn't include how much I wanted him next to me, or how his sleeping face brought me comfort. 

How sometimes I snuck holding the back of his head, and ran my fingers through his ginger locks. It didn't change the fact that for some reason I could talk about everything with him. The details of my father's death, how scared I felt in those last moments. How I have meltdowns and panic attacks; ones that debilitate me. Most of all, I could talk about how suicidal I felt. Something only Odasaku knew, but now Chuuya did too. I don't know exactly what I was feeling but it felt like trust, a deep trust I felt for him. With each moment of him in my arms I felt that feeling. I only hoped it felt the same for him. I only wish I brought him the similar comfort of a warm embrace. 

I pushed his hair behind his ear, looking at his sleeping eyelashes. My cheeks were hot, my heart messy; as I counted each freckle on his face. Our noses touched for a moment, my lips anxiously close to his. I could feel my eyelashes falling with a heavy pull. I pushed slightly more forward, my breath catching on his. My mouth was centimeters away from kissing him. 

What was I doing?

I pulled away from him, my head looking to my dresser. The thumping was loud, obnoxious, my ears slightly ringing. The taste of metal was on my tongue, nausea present in my mood. What exactly was I thinking? My cheeks were on fire, blazed with embarrassment. How could I take advantage of Chuuya? My eyebrows furrowing, guilt settling in. I cared about him so much, and here I was trying to kiss him in his sleep-

Kiss him?

I tried to kiss Chuuya Nakahara? I had never tried to put my lips on anyone before. I never thought about it or craved that. I never had these feelings before, often I thought I was asexual. That I just didn't feel anything for anyone, but this was different. It brought me a slight chance of normalcy, I knew what I was feeling by definition. Increased heartbeat, rising temperature in my cheeks, urges to romantic actions…

Shit.

I liked Chuuya Nakahara.

My hands still raking through his hair, I turned back. Meeting his eyes for the moment, I jumped. I wasn't expecting him to be awake, nor to be connecting with my gaze. We stared at eachother for a while, maybe the while was a little shorter than I thought. The world was moving so slowly. I was begging God currently for Chuuya not to remember that I almost kissed him. That our lips almost touched and I wanted that. I was so terrified of being rejected because I'd loose the closest friend I've ever had. I didn't want to chance that, I wanted us to stay like this forever. I wanted someone who truly understood me. Please-

"Osamu?" Chuuya broke the silence, my breath hitching.

"Yes?" I peeped.

"Did you just try to kiss me?" He asked.

Lie.

Lie about it, it didn't happen you were just sleepy.

"Oh, I was just falling asleep-"

"Don't lie to me" He cut off, "I was pretending to sleep" Chuuyas eyes were lit in the dark, I felt so scared.

“I didn't” I defended, biting my lip subtlety, “Truly I was trying to sleep” I mumbled. 

He stared at me for a minute, calculating a comeback, “Please don't lie to me” He whispered, “I know you're lying-”

I felt stuck, what would happen if I told the truth? Would we be no longer friends? Would everything between us stop and never come back? “I can't say the truth” I responded, “I don't want to loose you” I whispered as a plea. 

“You won't” He said, “I promise nothing will change if you tell me” He smiled, looking in my eyes for a moment, he placed his hand on my arm in reassurance.

I hesitated, “I did, I was trying to kiss you…” I trailed, “I don't know why, and I'm sorry for taking advantage of you, I didn't mea-”

He put his finger over my lips to shush me, “I'm fine Osamu, let me save you the headache-” He chuckled in a slight whisper, “I like you” He stated, “I have for a while now…” His cheeks dusted bright with a rose color, “I didn't know if you liked me back, I'm sorry for the miscommunication, and that I kept cuddling you every night by accident…” His nose scrunched in disappointment, “I guess my body is more honest when I'm asleep-”

“How long?”

“Huh?” Chuuya said, off guard. 

“How long have you liked me?” I asked.

“Since… well, since the first night…” He peeped, “When you got in trouble-”

“That long?” I pondered, I just figured out I liked Chuuya and here he was pining over me for almost 8 months. “I'm sorry I'm dense-” I chuckled.

“You're not, I was trying to hide it” He whispered to me, “What about you, why did you try to kiss me?” He asked.

“Well…” This was embarrassing, “I just found out I had feelings too” I mumbled, “I'm kinda dumb when it's understanding feelings…” I felt my cheeks burn.

“So we feel the same way?” He stated, even though it was a question. 

“Yeah, I guess” I mumbled, what do we do about it? Just… remain friends?

“Do you still want to kiss me?” We both looked up at the ceiling, an awkward air filling the room as Chuuya’s question rang.

“We're kinda young for that right?” I looked over, “I mean, we're only 12” I stared in his eyes.

“So?” He shrugged, “What's the hurt in trying?” He smiled, “I wouldn't mind”

“I just want us both to be sure, I just figured out I have feelings for you…” I gulped, “Maybe we should wait” I said.

“How about, if you still feel the same…” He held my hand, “I want my birthday present next year to be a kiss from you” He stared into my eyes with a soft content. 

I felt my heart swell slightly, basically a whole year will go by then. I liked Chuuya, that feeling would just get stronger as the time passed. Hopefully things stay the same, I wish for all of us to have the best of 7th grade. I wish, even with these feelings Chuuya and I continue being so close. 

“I'm pretty sure by then I'll like you even more” I held his hand and entwined our fingers. “I'm glad nothings changing” I felt a smile peak from myself.

I'm glad Chuuya was my very best friend. 

-