Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

GUYS

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

I JUST REALISED

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

HOW FUCKING DENSE MUGGLES ARE

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

IT TOOK YEARS FOR DRACO TO UNLEARN EVERYTHING HE WAS TAUGHT IN THERAPY

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

HE WAS A GODDAMN ARSEHOLE TO ME

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

WE HATED EACH OTHER

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

HE BULLIED ME BECAUSE MY PARENTS WERE DEAD

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

HE YELLED RACIAL SLURS AT SO MANY STUDENTS

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND

BuT hE wAs AcTuAlLy A gOoD gUy AnD hAd A sAd HoMe LiFe

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

Bitch, he was a spoiled ass for the first 15 years of his life

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

He WaS dEsPeRaTlY iN lOvE wItH mE

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

The actual fuck

Me

But like, in some variations he’s not a dick and actually has actual reasons to get with you

Me

I have a muggle bestie who thinks my name is Hemia Grant

Me

She’s a sucker for the “Draco, Ron and Harry are all Slytherins” “Draco is BFFs with Ron, Harry, and Hermione” “Harry meets the Malfoys on the train” etc, fanfics of ur biography. Seriously, she might sell her soul for one

Me

Pity there are no good ones

Ronnie, love of my life 

There are fics with Harry, Draco, and me in Slytherin?

Ronnie, love of my life 

Damn

Me

Actually, I dunno if there are, but it's a cool concept!

Ronnie, love of my life 

Good job tho. On BFFs. Our slang lessons r doing good

Me

Yes. Slang lessons. Completely learning throughout the hour that we have alone. Each day. No kids. No work. No only 15% of learning being done.

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND 

Drop the “act” Hermione. We heard you very audibly during your last “slang lesson”

Ronnie, love of my life 

Disbenefits of having your biological sister be married to your wife’s in-all-but-blood brother and live in one big giant house  #1 - you can hear each other’s “slang lessons”

Ginny Weasley, the coolest woman ever

Our group chat - the place where we can talk about each other having sex but not say that each other was having sex

Astoria Malfoy, kickass Ravenclaw

I would like names of the people who believe my husband should have ended up with Harry Potter. Alphabetically.

Astoria Malfoy, kickass Ravenclaw

Also, you should edit your last text, Ron

Ronnie, love of my life 

Right, sorry. Disbenefits of having your biological sister be married to your wife’s in-all-but-blood brother and live in one big giant house owned by your high school reformed bully and his wife #1 - you can hear each other’s “slang lessons”

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

I’M ON A FUCKING CAR RIDE TO A ZABINI-PARKINSON-MALFOY REUNION 3 HOURS AWAY

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

I WOKE UP HALF AN HOUR AGO

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THIS GROUP CHAT THAT NEEDS TO BE AWAKE

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, IT’S 4:27 AM BITCHES

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

WAIT

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

R U ALL USING THE FEATURE HERMIONE FOUND WHICH DELETES THE TIME ON YOUR TEXTS

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

Actually, why the fuck did u use that Hermione

Me

2 mess with Rita and other gossip journalists :) 

Harry MY VERY MUCH HAPPILY MARRIED BEST FRIEND

I should use that

Me

I’ll show u the link in person

Me

Makes them unable to hack and stop it

Drac-o, the IHEARTKICKASSRAVENCLAWS-o

Whatever, GO TO SLEEP PEOPLE

Chapter Text

Big Sis
Hey

Big Sis
Guess who has two thumbs

Big Sis
Red hair

Big Sis
and just became Slytherin’s Chaser?

Me
Pengejar Ular

Lorcs
No, it’s Bocar Ular Ajaib

Lys
U mean Bocah Ular Olahraga Ajaib?

Lils
It’s Gadis Ular Olahraga Ajaib, no good Bocar Ular Olahraga Ajaibs in Slytherin

Scorps
Ain’t it Gadis Rambut Merah Ular Olahraga Ajaib?

James LOVES Jam
GUYS. THIS COMES UNDER THE DEFINITION OF NERDY RAVENCLAW STUFF THAT YOU NEED TO SHARE IN YOUR OWN NERDS OF THE FAMILY GROUP CHAT.

Me
Actually…
Not as of September 8th, 2021, when an official meeting, first of the school year, was held in which Lily Luna Potter, Vice President proposed that the name be changed because as of October 21st, 2020, this was not limited to main family and the significant others of the main family, when after the official meeting on October 20th the whole of Ravenclaw house joined the group, now known as one of Hogwarts’s biggest text chains.
Lily Luna Potter suggested it be changed, and a committee of Ravenclaws that hadn’t suggested a name and had swallowed some light Amerólipto filtered out the good from the bad. The five finalists were
-Geeks R Us
-The Ravenclaw Chatspace
-Eagles not Ravens
-Wit beyond measure, in Modern and Shakesphearen
-Soaring above all
On a live, five-hour-long poll that took place on September 18th, 2021, and had
-150 Zoom Calls involved
-Roughly 902 participants
-8 therapists-to-be
-52 dick jokes
-And countless debates
The name Geeks R Us was chosen.
It was dedicated to all things geeky, but according to Group Guidelines, our Indonesian (#LLPMadeMeLearnALanguage) jokes would be allowed only if we texted them here first.
So, James, we were required to text it here first.

Al no gals
Wtf is #LLPMadeMeLearnALanguage

Lils
DON’T U DARE TELL HIM

Lys
Lily Luna Potter made me learn a language

Lorcs
Our dearest Sister In All But Blood has a type. Any girl who has a good build, preferably tattoos, and isn’t white or English.

Scorp
This typically means that Lily stays up late at night learning a language in our common room, and everyone starts to learn it. This means that the Ravenclaw tower now knows
-Chinese
-Spanish
-Latin, for when one muggle had a thing for Latin Majors
-Hindi
-French, for that girl from Cameroon
-And Indonesian

Me
French and Indonesian are revolutionary, as they are from when Lily had a crush on people who she might actually have a chance with

Lils
What do u mean by that?

Lys
Well, Chinese was 4 a seventh-year when we were 11

Lorcs
Spanish was 4 a shop owner when u were in second year

Lys
Latin was 4 a twenty-something-year-old that u met in the summer

Lorcs
Hindi was 4 a sixth-year's older sister

Lys
But French was for a girl in ur neighbourhood who was around ur age

Lorcs
Pity she was straight

Lys
And Indonesian is for the exchange student from the Institut Sihir Ranga, who is 14

Lorcs
Bi

Lys
And has long, black hair, almond-coloured eyes, and rooms with Lily

Lorcs
I think that it’s obvious that they like each other

Lils
But what if she doesn’t?
WE SLEEP IN THE SAME GODDAMN ROOM, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF SHE REJECTS ME, OR IF WE BREAK UP?!?!?!

Al no gals
Is this the girl who looked at you with stars in her eyes when you pointed out that, in a loophole, there was no problem with dying the hair of “Alicie Spiea, Gryffindor Prefect”, as you had the approval of “Arnold Ernpike, The Better Gryffindor Prefect” because of a rule made when all the prefects were related?

Al no Gals
Cuz she defo likes u

Big Sis
Guys

Big Sis
I HAVE TWO THUMBS RED HAIR AND JUST BECAME A SLYTHERIN CHASER >:(

Big Sis
I’m not telling you guys who my new Gryffindor boyfriend is

Tedward
wHAT

Al no Gals
NO

Molly-cular
Let’s eject the Ravenclaws, THEY DERAILED THIS

James Loves Jam
AYE

Tedward
AYE

Al no Gals
AYE

Roxanne (piano music)
AYE

Lucy the Ape
AYE

Viktoire
AYE

Dominant
AYE

Louis Carrol
AYE

Molly-cular
AYE

Alice in Wonderland
AYE

Alice in Wonderland
Actually, Augusta is a Ravenclaw

Alice in Wonderland
And she said nothing

Molly-cular
All right, all in favour of removing the Ravenclaws that aren’t Augusta?

Molly-cular
AYE

James Loves Jam
AYE

Tedward
AYE

Al no Gals
AYE

Roxanne (piano music)
AYE

Lucy the Ape
AYE

Viktoire
AYE

Dominant
AYE

Louis Carrol
AYE

Alice in Wonderland
AYE

August-a slipped away like a moment of time
AYE

Lils
NAY

Lorcs
NAY

Lys
NAY

Scorps
NAY

Me
NAY

Molly-cular
11-5, see u later

Lils
Ok, buuuuut u still have to
a) Add us back if it wasn’t worth it
b) Add us back if we have something better
c) Consider adding us back every week

Molly-cular
K, bye

Lils, Lorcs, Lys, Scorps and You have been removed from #MostFamousFamilyInMagicalBritain

Chapter Text

8:45 AM

Me
‘Right; they found out about our name change

Me
Rose is Chaser on Slytherin team

Me
AND she has a Gryffindor boyfriend

Me
Now, for our well-behaved insider for these five months, Augusta

Me
Augusta, please, tell us more about Rose’s latest boy-toy

Au-gust-a wind
Well, Lily, Rose seems to be serious about this one

Au-gust-a wind
She has had - wait for it - THREE DATES IN THE PAST MONTH

Mel💖💝💘⭐
That doesn’t seem like much…

Me
To many, it doesn’t seem like much. But top Junior Attrahologists have given Rose Granger-Weasley a “Snog, Snog, Snog, Sn- What’s a date?”, or a “SSS-WAD?” style.

Me
Her average date per month is 0.5 dates

Me
INCLUDING WALKING ON THE STAIRS HOLDING HANDS

Mel💖💝💘⭐
Wow

Mel💖💝💘⭐
So, who is this special someone that defies the “SSS-WAD?” dating style of Rose Granger-Weasley?

Earl of Davison
Yeah, Gust. Who?

Shield-a
Who, Gust, who?

Spade-ie
Who, Gust, who?

Eugene not Fitzherbert
Who, Gust, who?

Au-gust-a wind
IT’S ADRIEN PIERCE

Scorpion
NO FUCKING WAY

Winky Twin
WHATWHATWHATWHAT

Blinky Twin
Lysander, how do you know this dude?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
Lily?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
LILY?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
WHY DID YOU JUST FAINT IN THE COMMON ROOM?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
GUYS ILL BRB, I THINK LILY’S DEAD

Mel💖💝💘⭐is offline

Hugs Bunny
Ok, I’m removing Mel

Mel💖💝💘⭐ has been removed

Winky Twin
Y?

Hugs Bunny
BECAUSE WE AS A HOUSE MUST TALK ABOUT HOW MEL IS DRAPED OVER LILY’S BODY

Hugs Bunny
AND QUOTING LIKE 50 DIFFERENT PLAYS ABOUT DEATH

Hugs Bunny
AND SAYING YOU CAN’T DIE ON ME!

Hugs Bunny
AND SAYING FUCK YOU ADRIEN PIERCE

Blinky Twin
I’m pretty sure that Mel x Lily is our new Ravenclaw house ship

Blinky Twin
They might inspire some RPF soon

Eugene not Fitzherbert
I mean, I’ve imagined them in all the latest “imagine your OTP” posts

Hugs Bunny
AH FUCK LILY’S WAKING UP

Winky Twin
I’M REMOVING LILY

You have been removed from Geeks R Us

3:30
You have been re-added to Geeks R Us

Me
Why was I removed?

Hugs Bunny
Finger slipped

Mel💖💝💘⭐
And me?

Hugs Bunny
i HaD sLiPpY fInGeRs ThIs MoRnInG

Mel💖💝💘⭐
K

Mel💖💝💘⭐
More importantly, who is Adrien Pierce

Me
U STILL DON’T KNOW?!?!?!?!

Mel💖💝💘⭐
LILY?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
WRU?

Hugs Bunny
Fifth floor corridor, she’s about to faint

Mel💖💝💘⭐
LILY MINERVA POTTER DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE DIE ON ME

Mel💖💝💘⭐
‘Right, false alarm, she was just sighing dramatically

Winky Twin
Now, we all know, however, that Mel’s inherent response to Lily possibly dying is to grab her by the waist and pull her really close ;)

Mel💖💝💘⭐
And?

Winky Twin
Nothing

Me
You forgot the part where Mel shakes me so hard that my teeth chattered louder than they ever had

Hugs Bunny
Yeah, right

Me
Louder than the summer of ‘12

Hugs Bunny
Alright! So we can all agree that Mel is scary!

Hugs Bunny
Also, Adrien Pierce, for Mel, so Lily doesn’t faint again, is the dude that moderated a Shuake Zine, and spent all of the funds on Genshin Impact

Blinky Twin
No, that-that WAS THE MUGGLE DUDE WHO EMBEZZLED 27,000 CANADIAN DOLLARS?!?!?

Blinky Twin
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!?!?!?!?!

Winky Twin
THAT WAS 5 MONTHS AGO HUGO!!!!!!!!!!!

Blinky Twin
That’s what you find weird about this situation?

Me
Lorcan Scamander

Me
Lysander Scamander

Me
Let Scorpius tell us

Scorpion
Thank you Lily

Scorpion
Adrien Pierce was the racist dude who fought against the exchange program

Scorpion
Rose punched him in the face

Scorpion
He is the reason your flight was moved from last year to this year

Au-gust-a wind
THAT’S HIS COUSIN

Au-gust-a wind
Adrien Pierce was the dude who fell in love with Marinette and lived in Paris

Au-gust-a wind
I believe that Rose could be lying

Me
…wtf

Me
THAT’S ADRIEN AGRESTE

Me
YOU WATCH MIRACULOUS LADYBUG?

Me
Adrien Pierce is the dude who Laurel Waters cheated on Alex Lawson with

Mel💖💝💘⭐
Oh

Mel💖💝💘⭐
I know him

Mel💖💝💘⭐
He helped me out of a tight spot once when I was about to get in trouble for trying to read a transfiguration book

Mel💖💝💘⭐
In the restricted section

Mel💖💝💘⭐
About turning human beings into fried chicken

Me
When was this?

Mel💖💝💘⭐
That time you went to visit your uncle Charlie

Me
Ah

Mel💖💝💘⭐
Point is, good for Rose

Hugs Bunny
RIght, how are we gonna get back on the group

Hugs Bunny
I’ll help Rose with Transfiguration

Me
I’ll dog-sit for Victoire and Teddy

Winky Twin
I’ll help Lucy with Charms

Blinky Twin
I’ll tell Lisa Lestrade that {Whoever broke Molly’s heart} is not to be trusted, and has done {insert thing that in currently not okay in gossip tabloids}

Scorpion
I’ll cuddle Albus

Mel💖💝💘⭐
Wow, all of you doing these hard acts, and all Scorpius has to do is cuddle Albus

Me
Mel, Albus is tense because our mom has been forced to invite some relatives over for the Potter Christmas dinner

Me
The ones that AREN’T knowing of his gayness

Me
Scorpius offering to cuddle tense!Albus is the hardest act of all of us

Scorpion
At no cost to me!

Scorpion
tense!Albus is sooooooo adorable

Scorpion
Ajdklsahfkl;dahgkl;ahdeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Hugs Bunny
I reinforce that this chat should just be called Hogwarts’s Private Tumblr

Chapter Text

Hey, sooo I abandoned this fic and just came back to it. I want to continue it, and I have been thinking about writing a non-chat fic about Melily. I will probably be posting that soon with updates of this, but I wanted to let y’all know. Also, the fic is going to be like 99% next-gen from now on.
Thx for reading these chapters, and I hope you like the next few!

Chapter Text

7:30 AM

Al
SCORPIUS

Al
ROSE

Al
JAMES

Al
HUGO

Al
LYSANDER

Al
LORCAN

Al
MOLLY

Al
VICTOIRE

Al
DOMINIQUE

Al
LOUIS

Jamie Jam
What is it

Al
james why

Al
i had a whole thing

Al
LUCY

Al
MOLLY

Al
wait i already said molly

Al
jamesss

Jamie Jam
I had NOTHING to do with this >:<

Me
Al what is it

Al
Well, love of my life

Al
Today, as you all know, is a Hogsmeade day

Me
First of the year, yea

Al
It is also priiime autumn love season

Al
Crinkling of leaves as you walk together, hand in hand

Al
Pumpkin spice lattes with two straws

Me
Is this an elaborate ploy to ask me out

Me
Cause you can just ask yk

Al
NO

Al
Although we could go to Tomes And Scrolls

Al
They are having an autumn event with discounts

Alice In Londonland
Yea, James and I are planning to go there

Lucy IN DA SKY WITH DIAMONDS
Really? Neither of you like books that much

Jamie Jam
The Quidditch League Of England has published a series of almanacs/biographies on each team

Alice In Londonland
Special Edition with revised and updated content like interviews with the players

Jamie Jam
AND the autumn discount at Tomes And Scrolls lines up perfectly with our plan

Alice In Londonland
TO BUY THEM ALL

Alice In Londonland
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Al
My POINT

Al
Was that yk who ELSE should totally go on a date at Hogsmeade

Al
LILY AND MEL

Me
YES

Me
They’ve been pining FOREVER

Teddy Bear
They’ve known each other for two weeks?

A Gust A Wind
You. Have. Not. Seen. Them.

Lucy IN DA SKY WITH DIAMONDS
It is cute AND insufferable at THE SAME TIME.

Al
I have a plan to orchestrate a Hogsmeade date for them.

Al
Those who wish to join me will get added to a separate group

Molly Lolly
Isn’t this kinda like the Matchmakers?

Al
NOOOOO

Me
NOOOOO

Rosy Red Hair
NOOOOO

Al
The Matchmakers are a group of individuals who try to make something out of nothing

Me
in DISTURBING ways

Rosy Red Hair
Peer pressure at best and Amortentia at worst

Hugone
Isn’t Amortentia banned now after Mum’s whole campaign?

Rosy Red Hair
Exactly

Al
The Melily group is NOTHING like the Matchmakers

Victory
Idk sounds like you are making something out of nothing

Victory
Minus the drugs

Me
You wait and see

Me
On Visitor’s Weekend

Dominating in Scrabble
Oh yea forgot what that is

A Gust A Wind
When friends/family can come to Hogwarts for like a weekend every two months

Me
VISITORS WEEKEND IS ONLY A MONTH AWAY

Me
SHITTTTT

Me
I NEED TO START NEWT PREP

Rosy Red Hair
It’s… a while away Scorp

Al
NEVER TOO EARLY

Al
DM ME IF U WANT TO BE PART OF THE MELILY PROJECT

Al is offline

Rosy Red Hair
Nerds

Me
Wait us Ravenclaws are back

Me
DID ALBUS REMOVE LILY OR NOT

Rosy Red Hair
SHE’S STILL ON THE GROUP

Lilac Lily is online

Lilac Lily
Hi

You have removed Lilac Lily from the group

Me
That was so close lets hope she didn’t scroll up

Jamie Jam
Imma go

Jamie Jam
Alice and I have an aligned no-practice few hours

Alice in Londonland
And we intend to make the most of it

Teddy Bear
…how exactly Alice
…choose your reply carefully

Alice In Londonland
By watching a movie and snuggling

Jamie Jam
Not frick-fracking

Alice In Londonland
Sometimes, I love you James. Sometimes, I still love you, and I wonder why.

Alice In Londonland
This is one of the times I wonder why.

Alice In Londonland
Oh, my bus stops here.

Jamie Jam
I see you, coming.

Alice In Londonland is offline
Jamie Jam is offline,

Dominating In Scrabble
Has Alice been on a bus and has James been waiting for her the whole time?

Teddy Bear
Probably

Teddy Bear is offline
Dominating In Scrabble is offline
Hugone is offline
Lucy IN DA SKY WITH DIAMONDS is offline
Molly Lolly is offline

Me
Welp starting NEWT prep with Albus sooo no WiFi distractions

Rosy Red Hair
Scorp I don’t think you have to switch of the WiFi

Me
STILL DOING IT OKAY

You have gone offline.

Chapter Text

19:45 PM

Me
Al?

Me
You there?

Al
Yes why

Me
Okay couldn’t find you anywhere after NEWT prep today

Al
Yeah Rose was dragging me off

Me
where

Al
to the Great Lake

Al
she was trying to talk to the squid with an Ouija board

Me
she will never give up talking to the squid

Al
yea

Me
just txt me k

Al
I would have

Al
except ROSE accidentally CHUCKED MY PHONE INTO THE GREAT LAKE

Me
How are you texting me then

Rosy red hair
i also summoned it back UP FOR YOU AL

Rosy red hair
god it nearly hit the squid

Rosy red hair
poor thing :<

Me
Oh okay

Me
So glad we have our bracelets

Me
I kept checking that mine was still lit up

Me
I was scared for you

Al
Oh Scorp

Al
It’s okay

Al
We have our bracelets

Al
We won’t lose each other again

Me
I know

Me
but still

Me
I’m glad we have our little danger-bracelets

Me
I feel better knowing you’re safe

Al
They help me too

Rosy red hair
One kidnapping and you two become the sappiest mfs on the planet

Al
Rose I can see you

Al
You’re sniffling

Rosy red hair
LIESSSS

Al
Hey yk who else is in the Common Room

Me
omg who

Rosy red hair
Al we can’t tell he’s a Ravenclaw and they haven’t earned themselves back yet

Me
ADRIAN!?!?!?!

Me
wait isn’t he a gryffindor

Al
yes he isssss

Al
he’s holding rosessss

Rosy red hair
wait WHAT

Rosy red hair is offline

Me
ok coming over to see this

Al
no need

Al
they’re chatting at the doorway

Al
prob gonna go somewhere else

Al
I’m coming to the Ravenclaw common room

Me
k

Al
how did rose frgt y’all are back on the chat tho

Me
y’all?

Me
who has this phone

Al
Now, it’s Albus your loving boyfriend

Al
Earlier, it was FRED THE PHONE THIEF >:(((((

Al
seriously tho love you :)

Me
Love you too :)

Al is offline

Jamie Jam
guys why are you two on the family chat

Alice In Londonland
NO JAMES WE WERE KEEPING THAT A SURPRISE

Me
oh shoot i thought we were on our private chat

Me
Wait who changed the family chat name to “smarter than you”

Alice In Londonland
is that your private chat name

Jamie Jam
we were having a chat name roast battle

Me
i dont want to know

Chapter Text

8:05 AM

Me
who has changed my blanket design from owls to hedgehogs

Mellll
Who changed mine from a beach to hedgehogs

Lillo
Who changed mine from rick astley to hedgehogs

Hugs around
Who changed mine from chess pieces to hedgehogs

Louseander
WHO CHANGED MINE FROM CATS TO HEDGEHOGS

Me
we have a blanket changer in our midst

Mellll
Someone in this room is the culprit

Louseander
Mel we’re on a group chat

Mellll
BUT STILLLL

Mellll
Are the most famous Wizarding family in Britain being targeted

Mellll
With an innocent exchange student being caught up in it

Hugs around
At the rate your going with Lily you wont be caught up in it hun

Hugs around
You’ll be part of the family

Mellll
w

Mellll
whats that supposed to mean

Lillo
Answer the question hugo

Hugs around
bc you’re SUCH GOOD FRIENDS

Mellll
what is the criteria for getting in the family anyway

Me
god you make it sound like we’re a mafia

Me
*lays horse head in your room*

Mellll
What?

Me
Nvm

Louseander
well either you
are a Weasley/Potter/Granger
are related to one of the above via marriage/relationship
lived with one of the above for a considerable amount of time
or your parents were bffs with one so you grew close to their descendants

Mellll
How would I be part of the family then tho?

Lillo
LETS NOT DWELL ON THAT

Me
guys lets FOCUS

Me
We must find the hedgehoging culprit

Me
first we must see who all were targeted and see how they connect

Mildred Tayman
I was targeted

Louisa Henrich
So was I

Louseander
Let us make a Google Doc for this

Louseander
Made it here’s the link add on if you want to: https:/blehlbelhf.google.docs.com/www/hogwarts

Lillo
until then CLASSES AWAIT

Me
Unfortunately :((((

Google doc by Lysander Scamander - Who is the Hedgehoger?

TARGETED

Lily Luna Potter
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy
Melati Putri
Lysander Scamander-Lovegood
Lorcan Scamander-Lovegood
Mildred Tayman
Louisa Henrich
Eugene Gilenston
Sheila Bennigen
Sadie Roberts
David O’ Brien
Aura Lombard

YEARS OF TARGETED

All are 4th Years. The Hedgehoger must be a fellow 4th-year or know a fellow 4th-year.

SUSPECTS

The changing sheet patterns charm is simple, but most sheets were locked w/ their patterns. The ability to unlock this pattern is restricted to 6th and 7th years.
The reason for this is because the sheet-pattern-changing is an ancient Ravenclaw tradition for students to express themselves even in their sleep. The unlocking is only for students to change the sheets if someone has put an offensive pattern.
Hence, the Hedgehoger must be a 6th or 7th year that knows a 4th-year well (in a good or bad way), and has some reason to Hedgehog the sheets.
Listed are all who match the criteria.

Jack Bennigen, 7th-year - Sheila’s older brother, in prank war with her (reason for mass attack/prank unknown)
Arthur Goosebers, 7th-year - Sadie’s cousin, been ignoring her lately (unlikely, prob unrelated)
Amy Roberts, 7th-year - Has a random hard grudge against Louisa, has attempted worse i.e. food poisoning and invisible mass levicorpus (most likely)
Jim Nott, 7th-year - Known blood-supremacist, Mel and Hugo were calling him out lately. Hugo in particular humiliated him publicly by cursing him so he would lose bladder control. (We are all very proud of Hugo. However, Nott is unlikely. While he IS a stupid git, he wouldn’t change bedsheets to hedgehogs. He would do something more… blood-supremacist. Unpleasant as it is, blood-supremacy is still a big problem in the Wizarding World, even though so much has been done to try and fix it.)
Alicia Fallopian, 6th-year - Daily Prophet reader. Read Rita Skeeter last year and doesn’t trust Potters, especially after Rita lost her license last year. Might be an attack on Lily. Has attempted hexes and curses at Lily and the other Potters before. (If not Amy, its prob her)

In order of most-to-least suspicious, listed.

Amy Roberts, 7th-year
Alicia Fallopian, 6th-year
Jack Bennigen, 7th-year
Jim Nott, 7th-year
Arthur Goosebers, 7th-year

ACTION

Find all alibis.
Every suspect is individually guilty until proven innocent. We must find the alibis of all of them.
Mildred, you do Amy. Both of you are in Charms Club. You have a chance.
Lorcan can do Alicia. She had a weird crush on dad. Might be partial to his son. I’ll come along for back-up. Will have a likely chance of being bombarded by June, though. I haven’t been answering her letters in hope she’ll stop sending them.
Sheila, you do Jack. Declare a truce. Stop the prank war. Win it. Whatever. Just get his alibi WITHOUT pranks involved.
David, you’ve flown under Jim’s radar. You get his alibi. It helps that you’re pureblood, yes. Use his supremacism to our advantage. I know it’s disgusting. But he still is a possibility.
Sadie, you do Arthur. I know you think it’s unlikely and he’s been ignoring you, but still. Get his alibi.

Report
All of you, txt back on the new Hedgehoged chat with your findings. You’ve all been added. NONE OF THE SUSPECTS CAN ACCESS THIS DOC. I CHARMED IT SUCH.

Go forth, Eagles. Do your duty

Chapter Text

Hedgehoged Group Chat - 4:07 PM

Louseander
Report, Eagles.

Me
Unfortunately, I discovered two alibis at once.

Me
Lysander was taken out by an enemy

Mellll
Don’t you mean THE enemy?

Lillo
How is it unfortunate?

Hugs around
Taken out?

Me
June confronted him about the letters.

Mellll
Lysander, isn’t it kinda a dick move to let a girl send you letters, not reply and actively avoid her?

Lillo
Mel has not read a June Boggins letter to Lysander.

Lillo
It has a simple formula:
-Begin with a cheesy and kind of weird line
Eg. “Lysander, my beloved lover-to-be” “Dearest Lysander, my sweet cookie” and my personal favourite, “Dearest future husband who I am destined for by the heavens above”

Lillo
Contain
-at LEAST 3 mentions of future children
-An invite to a Madam Puddifoot branch
-Wedding planning
-Up to 69 (yes, really, we counted) mentions on Lysander’s “attractiveness”

Louseander
hey it’s not in air quotes

Me
whatever you tell yourself you ugly human being

Louseander
we’re identical?

Me
I wear it better

Louseander
rudeeee

Lillo
Ends with
-A desire for him to (feel free to gag) cut off all wordly attachements to be with her (Eg. “Forget your family” “You don’t need friends other than me” and my least favourite, “Dump that Potter bitch”)
-The “fact” they are destined to be together
-ANOTHER cheesy and weird sign-off (“Your lover-to-be” “Your future wife” “The mother of your future children”)
-A signature that takes up HALF THE PAGE MY GOD
And a PS to tell him something personal that just proves further she’s stalking him (we’re trying to build a case to the prefects, but the PS is just always tooo ambiguous)

Mel
Did

Mel
Did you date Lysander

Mel
Or

Lillo
EWWWWWWWW

Louseander
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Lillo
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Me
DISGUSTING

Hugo
DISTANT GAGGING NOISES

Mildred Tayman
Okay I’m next to him in the library and I can confirm, Hugo is truly gagging

Mildred Tayman
FOR GOOD REASON THAT IS HORRIFYING TO THINK ABOUT

Aura
*pukes out lunch*

Eugene
NONONONON

David
BLERGHHH

Sheila
YUCKKKK

Sadie
DISGUSTING

Louisa
GOD NO MEL

Mel
oh thank god i’m not alone in realising that

Mel
I almost vomited typing that

Albus’ boyfriend
I DID vomit reading that

Me
who added Albus’ boyfriend to the chat

Albus’ boyfriend
I HAVE ~IMPORTANT~ INSIGHT TO SHARE

Louseander
That is true

Lillo
Point is, I hugged the Scamanders in public ONE (1) time for ONE (1) second and Rita Skeeter went wild in the Evening Prophet’s celeb section

Mel
Isn’t that the reporter who lost her license last year after using illegal methods to climb her way back up the ladder

Lillo
Actually, yes, and her illegal methods involved hurting MY family, indirectly allowing MY brother to get kidnapped by an evil Death Eater cult last year, so we have made it a Sibling Rule to always jut a certain finger in the air after mentioning her name

Mel
Oh okay

Mel
Y’all get involved in a lot

Lillo
Blame Voldemort for murdering my paternal grandparents

Louseander
AS I WAS SAYING

Louseander
Report, Eagles, starting with my IDENTICAL TWIN, who is just as alike in looks as I am if not worse

Me
so you admit you’re ugly

Louseander
not the point

Me
fine ugly

Louseander
>:(

Me
After Lysander was ambushed by his stalker and told me to run, get the alibi, and he would cover

Louseander
Something I am now regretting

Me
I walked in on Alicia telling her friend a VERY graphic depiction of what she was… doing… last night

Sadie
It was Arthur

Sadie
She was doing Arthur

Lillo
EWWWW

Lillo
Not as many Ws as me dating Lys, but still

Lillo
EWEWEWEWEW

Sadie
that was my reaction but with wayyy more EWs

Sadie
turns out they’ve been doing… each other… on and off for the past few weeks

Sadie
Arthur was embarrassed to talk to me bc he was afraid his… loss… would slip out

Sadie
I did tell him on how much of a jerk Alicia is to Lily and her friends/relatives/both

Sadie
And he was shocked when I described the Event of the Poisoned Pork

Mellll
… I’m sorry?

Lillo
Tell you later

Sadie
But still DISGUSTING

Sadie
I would like to apologise to Lorcan on the TRAUMA from hearing Alicia Fallopian describing her… exploits

Me
she was so graphic

Hugs around
Oh Lorc

Hugs around
Sorry you had to go through that

Sheila
Alsooo, I talked to Jack

Sheila
He was asleep for all of last night - his roommate-and-totally-not-boyfriend Kai confirmed

Sheila
Kai was up studying for a while, then crashed in Jack’s bed where they both then slept

Sheila
Unlike some other Ravenclaw couples I could mention

Mildred
Amy was also up studying all of last night, she fell asleep in Charms Club

Mildred
Her roommate also confirmed this

David
I checked with Jim, who looked annoyed and called me a filthy blood-traitor for talking to him

David
I ALSO checked with his roommate, who looked uncomfortable and said Jim was definitely asleep after 1 PM.

Albus’ boyfriend
And THIS is where I come in

Albus’ boyfriend
I happen to be a family friend of Thomas, the roommate, and he told me some valuable intel that gave me alll I need to know

Me
*eye roll*

Albus’ boyfriend
Lorc, you can’t be mad at me forever for suggesting that Qinter was not the most compatible ship in the series

Me
YOU SAID YOU LOVED IT

Albus’ boyfriend
I do, but Glorybringer is neat, resolved, and healthy

Me
*coughs* and the age difference? *cough*

Albus’ boyfriend
THAT WAS A PURE FANDOM THING THAT TUI APOLOGISED FOR

Mellll
*offers Ripnami with tongs*

Albus’ boyfriend
They met when she tried to kill him

Mellll
*produces Sunlow in replacement*

Me
Ykw, fair

Albus’ boyfriend
True

Louseander
NOT THE TIME GUYS

Albus’ boyfriend
Thomas said Jim sneaked out last night to do some shady things, but Thomas was trying to fix them

Albus’ boyfriend
Thomas also mentioned some Charms backfired, the morning alarm rang, and he told me to never let a word slip to anyone

Albus’ boyfriend
He also has a hedgehog

Albus’ boyfriend
I think Jim changed your sheets to something blood-supremacist, and Thomas tried to fix it, but something went wrong

Eugene
I’ve done some reading

Eugene
Jim probably locked it with the message

Eugene
The sheets are enchanted such that if someone changes it after it’s locked, the sheets get the changer’s pattern so that a culprit can be identified

Eugene
Maybe Thomas forgot to unlock it and so they changed to his bedsheet pattern

Aura Farmer
Or maybe it’s bc he was in a hurry and changed them to the first thing he could think of.

Me
More likely

Louseander
Yeah

Lillo
Yeah

Mellll
Yeah

Hugs Around
Yeah

Mildred
Yeah

Louisa
Yeah

David
Yeah

Sheila
Yeah

Sadie
Yeah

Albus’ boyfriend
I think we should add him to the group, and get a confession out of him

Me
We?

Albus’ boyfriend
Actually, you.

Albus’ boyfriend
I’ll just hear about it tomorrow anyways, so

Albus’ boyfriend
Off to cuddle Al :)

Lillo
What about N.E.W.T prep?

Albus’ boyfriend
Bold of you to assume I can’t do both >:D

Albus’ boyfriend is offline
Louseander has removed Albus’ boyfriend from the chat

Me
Thomas is in Quidditch practice right now

Me
He’s a Keeper for Ravenclaw

Me
After Quidditch practice, he’ll be tired

Me
THAT’S when we should add him to the chat and interrogate him

Hugs around
That’s a great idea

Me
Thanks :)

Louseander
So, we interrogate at exactly 19:15 PM today

Louseander
Report on the chat at that time to talk to Thomas

Louseander
Good work today, Eagles

Lillo
You sound like a mixture of Sergeant Grey and Captain Raymond Holt

Me
Hey

Me
Don’t do Holt like that

Mellll
But Grey’s okay?

Me
Haven’t watched Rookie yet

Hugs around
OUTRAGEOUS

Hugs around
I know what we’re gonna do this summer >:)

Hugs around
Wait

Hugs around
That came out wrong

Mildred
*cough* damn Hugo *cough*

Hugs around
I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT

Me
Guys I’m off

Me
I’m working on my Charms essay

Lillo
Its due in a week

Me
If I finish it off now, I can do other things soon

Louseander
He’s not doing his Charms essay Lily

Me
I’m not doing my Charms essay Lily

Louseander
He’s off to check if his favourite fic on AO3 updated

Me
NO!

Me
Well, kinda, but Mx_Grey uploaded a new video too!!!

Louseander
wait whAT

Mildred
I’m off to ACTUALLY work on my Charms essay

Aura Farmer
Same

Eugene
I’m off

Louisa
Goodbye

Sheila
Bye

Sadie
Farewell

David
I’m out

Lillo
Ta-ta

Mellll
See you guys at 7:45 PM

Louseander
Good work, Eagles

Chapter Text

Hedgehoged Group Chat, 7:45 PM

Louseander has added an unknown number to the chat
You have changed the unknown number to Thomas Hedgehoger

Louseander
Hello, Thomas

Thomas Hedgehoger
Why am I here

Lillo
Because you changed our sheets to Hedgehogs

Me
Scorpius told us everything

Thomas Hedgehoger
Dammit

Mellll
It’s okay

Mellll
We don’t blame you

Louisa
All we want is a typed confession so we can declare the case closed

Mildred
Feel free to badmouth Jim as much as you want

Thomas Hedgehoger
And why would I do that?

Sheila
Thomas you changed our bedsheets

Sheila
You broke a sacred Ravenclaw tradition

Sadie
We understand why, but it’s still a serious crime

Aura Farmer
You invaded our boundaries

Eugene
The least you can do is tell us why

David
It’s an act of honour

Thomas Hedgehoger
Okay fine

Thomas Hedgehoger
I woke up to find Jim creeping out. He asked me to join, because I was a pureblood and he was okay with that. I was hesitant, but he had a gleam in his eyes and I had a feeling he wouldn’t listen if I told him not to.
He snuck into the fourth-year dorms. When he came across your set, he started putting blood-supremacist messages on the sheets. Personalised. I was standing out, playing guard. Every inch of my body was saying that this was a bad idea. I didn’t know what he was doing at the time.
Jim came out, and told me that I could add some flair if I wanted, but not to report him if he was caught. I walked in and saw the messages. Horrified, I tried to quickly change the sheets, but I forgot to unlock them. In a panic, as the sun was rising, I changed all the sheets to my Hedgehog ones.
I hoped I could sneak in and fix it, but it was really the best I could do without getting caught in the morning. I got back just in time for breakfast. Don’t tell Jim. He’ll be mad I changed the sheets.
I went to Flitwick this evening to request a change of dorm. He knows the whole thing. Jim was transferred to my dorm this year, after his previous roommate left early and it wouldn’t be very safe transferring him to a dorm with a muggle-born, with his background. I was one of the few pure-bloods in 7th.
I’m sorry I invaded your boundaries, but I didn’t want you to have Jim’s messages on your sheets. They were reallllly offensive.

Louseander
Wow. Thanks.

Me
That was very detailed.

Me
What did he write?

Sadie
I don’t think I want to know

Aura Farmer
Neither do I

Louisa
Same

Mildred
I’m morbidly curious

Lillo
Me too

Eugene
Same

Me
Same

Louseander
Same

David
Me too

Thomas Hedgehoger
Okay, let me try to remember

Thomas Hedgehoger
Lily definitely had “Potter Bitch - Bought Her Way In”

Lillo
WOW

Thomas Hedgehoger
Hugo had “Smart Mouth For A Filthy Half-Blood”

Hugs around
Better than I thought

Thomas Hedgehoger
Some people had ”Crazy Loons For Fake Parents”

Me
Probably us

Louseander
The fake parents part is low

Eugene
I’m guessing I had the M-word?

Thomas Hedgehoger
I think you had “Dumb M*dblood Scum”

Thomas Hedgehoger
Who here was a pureblood?

David
That would be me

Thomas Hedgehoger
I’m pretty sure you had “Blood Traitor - Mixed Blood With Mud”

David
Ah

Thomas Hedgehoger
Yeah it was bad

Louseander
On behalf of the Hedgehoged, we pardon you

Louseander
I’m removing you from the group now

Thomas Hedgehoger has been removed from the Hedgehoged Group Chat

Louseander
That was illuminating

Louseander
Good work Eagles

Louseander
Let us disperse and attend our nightly feast of dinner

Chapter Text

7:56 AM

Lillo
GUYS

Lillo
I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM

Lillo
LYSANDER SOMEHOW TIED ME TO THE CEILING

Louseander
I what

Lillo
AND THEN I TURNED INTO A FREAKING SPIDER

Lillo
BUT HERE IS THE WORST BIT

Lillo
I THEN WALKED IN ON ALBUS AND SCORPIUS KISSING WHILE FLOATING IN THE AIR

Lillo
OH WAIT

Lillo
I DID WALK IN ON ALBUS AND SCORPIUS KISSING WHILE FLOATING IN THE AIR

Me
This feels like a very personal attack on Scorpius and Albus for some reason

Al’s boyfriend
That would be because I accidentally swallowed an levitating potion in my tea

Me
And Al drank the tea?

Al’s boyfriend
No

Al
It’s transmitted by physical contact

Al
And I then kissed my boyfriend

Al
And Lily is very pissed at both of us for some reason

Lillo
BECAUSE I WANTED THE LEVITATING POTION

Lillo
I FREAKING ORDERED IT

Lillo
AND AL GOT IT BECAUSE THE DELIVERY SERVICE DIDN’T THINK THAT SUCH A YOUNG DOCILE FEMALE WOULD WANT SUCH A POTION

Lillo
SO THEY SENT IT TO AL

Lillo
WHO INSTEAD OF CHECKING THE LABEL PUT IT IN SCORP’S TEA INSTEAD OF SUGAR

Lillo
SO I COULDN’T GET MY VERY RARE 24 HOURS LEVITATING POTION

Mellll
Bactrack. 24 hour long levitating potion?

Hugo
Backtrack. Delivery service thought why?

Lysander
Backtrack. I tied you onto the ceiling?

Lillo
I get tied onto the ceiling a lot in my dreams. It’s really nothing personal.

Lillo
It was for experiments, and the exquisite delivery service tracks the orders by hand, saw my name, saw my age, and thought

Lillo

Lillo
“Clever, ordering through your sister’s name to not be tracked. But everyone knows a YOUNG DOCILE FEMALE wouldn’t order such a dangerous potion! Use this wisely.”

Al
I’m sorry, okay?!?!

Lillo
It’s okay. While I saw you, I still got to record my observations in hope of replicating the potion so I could make one applicable for minor directional use.

Mellll
what

Al
Lily is trying to make a potion where you can basically fly, but not very high.

Mellll
WHAT

Lillo
It’s so I can copyright the idea and later expand on it, creating a way to fly major distances. The broom will become something for decoration.

Lillo
I should have this ready by Thursday.

Mellll
So… did you have that dream, or….

Lillo
Yes. It was weird.

Lillo
Now, my rage is starting to simmer down

Me
You already forgave Albus

Lillo
Oh, no, my rage from Albus refusing to dropkick Jim from the Astronomy Tower

Lillo
Yeah no that’s why I talked about the dream

Al
FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT DOING THAT

Al
I DON’T WANT TO HURT ANOTHER HUMAN

Lillo
No you just wont admit you can’t dropkick a person

Lillo
and that Scorpius got annoyed last time you hit someone

Jamie Jam
When was this?

Lillo
He punched a Daily Prophet reporter in the face

Lillo
Except it was actually just Tori Greengrass

Al’s boyfriend
HE PUT HER IN ST FREAKING MUNGOS

Al’s boyfriend
AND WE SHOULDNT NORMALISE VIOLENCE

Lillo
Okay, but anti-magic-Nazi violence….

Mellll
I’m with Scorpius. Let’s not normalise violence as a thing to be admired, and look down on refusal as weakness.

Al’s boyfriend
Thanks Mel

Mellll
Let’s just get Jim kicked out

Lillo
LITERALLY!

Mellll
No

Mellll
Thomas’ text testament is enough for the Wizengamot :)

Jamie Jam
Here me out here

Jamie Jam
Let us talk about why Lily frequently dreams of people tying her to the ceiling?

Alice in Londonland
Oh that’s nothing

Alice in Londonland
My recurring dreams involve Oscar from the Rookie, snarky elephants that juggle, and James as a lawyer

Lillo
Like… separately or?

Alice in Londonland
No, I keep having ones where all of them are there somehow

Al
Once I dreamt that I helped a giraffe with tax embezzlement

Al
Actually, I dream a lot about tax embezzlement

Louseander
Lorcan has the best recurring dreams

Me
NO

Louseander
I invoke the pact of Jyohenhiem

Tedz
The what

Louseander
State your request

Me
You tell us who’s initials are in your transfiguration notebook

Louseander
No

Me
The ones with the hearts

Louseander
NO THAT IS NOT ON EQUAL LEVEL WITH YOUR DREAMS

Me
fair

Vicky
The what

Lillo
I have heard from Luna that this pact is basically revealing one secret in exchange for another

Lillo
I know what your thinking - isn’t this just the pact of Yorker?

Al
No one was thinking that

Lillo
But this one, this is stricter

Lillo
THIS ONE, this one is between only the invoker and the invoked

Lillo
The invoker must share a secret of equal level with the secret requested

Lillo
And Lys is right, that is not equal with this

Louseander
THANK YOU LILY

Lillo
That is on equal par to Rose telling us how many dates she’s gone on with Adrien

Rose (no nicknames she will punch me)
what

Lillo
That were not just snogging in a cupboard

Rose (no nicknames she will punch me)
WHAT

Al
Lily, I’ve known Rose all my life, and she wouldn’t randomly snog in a cupboard

Al
She would choose an empty classroom, because she is dignified

Rose(no nicknames she will punch me)
Al, for the record, is not as dignified

Rose (no nicknames she will punch me)
Neither is Scorpius

Al
ROSE WHAT THE HECK

Me
Lysander, what did you wear on your first ever Halloween

Jamie Jam
Now THAT, THAT is equal

Lillo
Yes, Lysander, inform us

Al
Do, Lysander, tell everyone in this chat what you went as for Halloween as a one year old

Hugs around
He was a Crumple-Horned Snorcack, right?

Me
Oh, he WISHES

Me
That was for our first Halloween with Mum and Dad

Tedz
Oh right, you’re adopted

Me
No, the orphanage was far more devious

Louseander
For the record, I hate you

Me
…and

Louseander
I was a bunny

Louseander
A bunny in a bunny suit

Louseander
With a carrot perched on my head

Louseander
and I was also a bunny for the next three years

Me
I had the sense, as a one year old, to waddle over to a respectable ghost costume as a one year old, when our Halloween ads were made

Me
Now, for my recurring dreams

Me
- Harry became a pig lawyer who takes up cases of many people from songs and it always became a rap battle (e.g. Betty v. James, Lemon Boy v. Society, Major Tom v. Ground Control) and I was always there, as the judge and also a sleepy cloud at the same time.

- Michael Jordan is a terrorist who became friends with Taylor Swift, now a cult follower in the cult of TV Girl

- We were all cat beds in a Real Housewives sitcom and Albus and Scorpius had a scandalous affair, but they weren’t cheating on anyone, also over the dream season, James and Alice almost killed Lily in the process of getting together

- I was the alter at so very many weddings

- Lysander became a teddy bear, then proceeded to eat an apartment building, slowly eating so many that he became one. The only person who could save him? Anakin Skywalker.

- Finally, Death Eater Olivia Rodrigo

Hugs around
Lysander, in all honesty, what the actual fuck

Rose (no nicknames she will punch me)
LANGUAGE

Hugs around
English

Mellll
I kinda want to analyse this but also no

Jamie Jam
Death Eater Olivia Rodrigo

Me
She sang traitor… but it was Snape-r

Hugs around
Michael Jordan the terrorist?

Al
Whose weddings were you the altar to

Me
Rose and Jerome, when they dated, but Jerome left me and then I was the altar at his and Sarah’s wedding

Me
He then cheated on Rose with Sarah, and I think I might be a Seer

Me
Also, you and Scorpius, but I was confused abt that bc this was two years ago

Me
James and Alice’s too, but then Lily almost died as the flower girl bc it was some sort of big crossover with the real cat beds one

Me
Also, Mum and Dad, but I was four and not adopted yet, I had just seen them once when they came for the first time

Me
My non-recurring dreams are also weirder, but I never remember most of them

Al’s boyfriend
My recurring dreams are all nightmares that my mother died

Al’s boyfriend
Last time I had them, she had just been admitted to the hospital again

Al’s boyfriend
Which was yesterday

Al
I AM SORRY YOUR MOTHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL

Al’s boyfriend
I was going to tell you later, but this seemed like the right time

Al
SCORPIUS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Jamie Jam
language

Al
ENGLISH

Jamie Jam
why is Astoria in the hospital? She was getting better earlier, right?

Al’s boyfriend
No, her condition relapsed

Lillo
oh my god

Hugs around
You doing good?

Rose (no nicknames she will punch me)
Can we go back to the bit about your recurring nightmares, Scorpius?

Me
Scorpius, I’m so sorry

Louseander
I hope it’s not too serious

Mellll
Scorpius, why is your mother in the hospital?

Me
Wait why is Mel in the Potter-Granger-Weasley family chat

Me
Wait, why are Lysander and I in this chat

Lillo
I added you guys so that I could do the dream vent thing

Hugs around
Maybe it’s practice for when one of you guys do get added to the chat

Hugs around
Yk, like how ALICE and SCORPIUS are here

Lillo
Hugo what

Lillo
I don’t want you to date Lorcan?

Hugs around
That is not what I meant, Lily, and you know it

Lillo
Wait, if you and Lorcan date and get married, I can legally be related to Luna and Rolf

Lillo
Scratch that, we are keeping Lorcan

Hugs around
I DO NOT WANT TO MARRY LORCAN

Hugs around
sorry, lorcan

Louseander
Wait, he could technically marry me right? That would still work?

Lillo
No, Lysander, because you belong with Transfiguration Notebook Person

Mellll
Okay, I will now practise the violin

Mellll
And contemplate the possibilities of Hugo and Lorcan’s wedding invitation theme

Hugs around
I STILL DO NOT WANT TO MARRY LORCAN GUYS

Me
The theme is lavender flowers with a minimalistic save the date

Hugs around
YOU ARE NOT HELPING LORCAN

Me
I have a horrible feeling this is going to come up in a dream somehow

Lillo
Same, and I don’t want Hugo in a wedding tux tying me to the ceiling.

Chapter Text

Harry
Guys we might have been a bit mean to the muggle population earlier

Harry
When we collectively shat on the ship Drarry

Me
Firstly, what do you mean by this

Me
Is this for Rita Skeeter are we planting stories for her again

Me
Secondly, I am adopting the phrase Collectively Shat™

Ron
It’s Skeeter Shite month again?!?!

Ron
Why didn’t anyone tell me, I would have changed my contact names >:(

Hermione
It’s not

Harry
I am feeling amazing towards the muggles today

Harry
I found a very good fanfiction called All The Young Dudes, and it is really sweet

Me
What part are you on

Harry
Third year first chapter why

Hermione
Harry have you read the tags

Harry
No, just heard abt it why

Ron
Mate that’s a fic where Sirius and Remus are hopelessly in love

Harry
Wait what

Me
Still bloody amazing, but weird since we have both met them

Me
And helped raise Remus’ child

Harry
Damn it

Hermione
I thought you learnt your lesson after Crimson Rivers

Harry
BUT THERE WERE SO MANY REFS TO IT IM SORRYY

Hermione
At least you’re there in the fic ig

Harry
What

Hermione
Yeah there’s a bunch of bits where Lupin visits Baby You

Me
Which chapter, I never got past fifth year

Hermione
Idk

Draco
Why do you read these fanfictions any way

Hermione
DRACO YOU LITTLE SON OF A SHIT

Ron
WHAT THE FUCK MAN WE CALLED YOU SO MUCH WHY DIDN’T YOU ANSWER

Me
How is Astoria?

Draco
It’s not too serious, just a side complication

Draco
The healers say she’ll pull through

Harry
Thank Merlin

Draco
Yes, I am just going to tell Scorpius

Draco
Also where are you finding the time to read these

Harry
Every now and then, I wonder if something exists and I look it up

Draco
I am sure that you have been scarred from this

Harry
I have

Me
I however have gone through worse

Harry
I told you not to go to the Gacha side

Harry
But YOU said it would be FINE

Me
I was actually talking about the Dobby x Sorting Hat but yes that hurt too

Hermione
The WHAT

Ron
I think I have been worse off

Me
I have seen a Bellamione GCMM

Hermione
W H A T

Ron
Me x Ginny

Me
im sorry what

Ron
and Me x Ginny x The Ghoul In Our Attic

Me
IM SORRY WHAT

Draco
Jesus christ

Ron
I have also seen you shipped with Tom Riddle

Draco
I AM WHAT

Ron
Actually, I think we are all shipped with Tom Riddle

Harry
what

Draco
I am leaving this conversation to go tell Scorpius the good news

Ron
Your wife is shipped with Luna Lovegood

Harry
That is slightly sensible at least

Me
Snarry is a thing btw

Harry
W H A T T H E F U C K

-x-

Dad
She’s okay it was just a complication

Me
Thank god

Me
I was so scared

Dad
Me too

Chapter Text

7:45 AM

Albeh
I’m glad everyone could make it for the first. Ever. MELILY PROJECT MEETING!

Albeh
Thank you to all who signed up :)

Albeh
Order of Attendence, first

Albeh
Hugo?

Hugeh
Here

Albeh
Scorpius?

Scorpeh
Here

Albeh
Lorcan?

Ew
Here

Albeh
Lysander?

Me
Here

Albeh
Lucy?

Luceh
Here

Albeh
Augusta?

Augusteh
Here

Albeh
Who tf is Eugene?

Eugene
Oh that’s me

Eugene
Yeah Lysander told me of this

Eugene
I brought some friends

Sheila
Hi

Sadie
Hi

Sheila
We share a common room with

Sheila
The lovers?

Sadie
Not yet

Eugene
The soulmates?

Sadie
Ehhh

Sadie
Lily and Mel

Eugene
THE PINERS!

Sadie
Okay ig

Albeh
All right! Welcome! Common Room Mates! Could be useful?

Sadie
Sheila and I also share a dorm w them

Albeh
Ooh

Eugene
And I am in like 99% of their extra-curriculars

Eugene
AND I know Mel’s closest friend from her old school

Eugene
Nadia

Albeh
Good to know!

Albeh
Now, onto our main Point Of Business

Albeh
Hogsmeade Weekend Date™

Albeh
The plan is as follows

Albeh
Lily and Mel go to The Three Broomsticks, expecting to meet someone there. No one shows up. They shrug, and order some food. This next bit is important. Something must prompt them to leave The Three Broomsticks and take a walk. Someone directs them to the only place left to eat: the brand new, less corny, Madam Puddifoot’s.

Albeh
From there they either go to MP’s, or take a scenic, romantic walk around Hogsmeade.

Hugeh
Maybe a couple wants to sit at the last place in The Three Broomsticks, and so Lily and Mel give up their seats.

Albeh
YES! That’s the spirit.

Scorpeh
How will we ensure that it’ll be the last spot though?

Albeh
Someone spread the word that I’ll be there. People will fill up trying to catch a glimpse of you and I.

Sadie
Will that really work?

Albeh
Oh the power of nosiness has never let us down

Sheila
Who’ll make Lily and Mel give up their seats?

Me
It has to be people who haven’t gotten together yet

Me
We pretend it’s their first date. Lily and Mel know how important this can be and leave.

Me
For absolute success, we need people they know well…

Ew
NO

Hugeh
NO

Eugene
I can go with someone?

Sheila
NO

Sheila
THAT MEANS WE NEED TO INVOLVE ARIANA

Luceh
???

Sadie
Ariana and Sheila have a…

Sadie
complicated history

Eugene
I also asked her out today

Sheila
AGAINST MY A D V I C E

Augusteh
Would Lily or Mel know how important this it to you?

Eugene
Maybe?

Sadie
No

Augusteh
So what do we do?

Sadie
I’ll go with Sheila

Sheila
You will what now

Sadie
We share a dorm, they’ll know

Me
If that fails we do have a back-up

Hugeh
NO

Ew
NO

Me
I was thinking we get Augusta and Lucy

Me
But interesting that you two jumped to that conclusion

Luceh
No no no no no

Me
Why not?

Augusteh
I have detention

Me
Oh okay

Luceh
Also we don’t like each other?

Augusteh
Yeah that too

Albeh
No time to dive into any of that! Sadie and Sheila it is.

Hugeh
Okay, Lorcan and I will be there to keep watch

Me
Why you two

Hugeh
Everyone else has plans

Me
What about me?

Me
Did you two forget about me?

Me
Or do you just want to be alone together

Hugeh
NO!

Ew
You also have detention, Lysander

Me
>:(

Me
Fineeeee

Hugeh
Anyone can come, but two people won’t be as conspicuous as like ten

Eugene
It’s okay, the rest of us can sit at The Three Broomsticks

Albeh
I suppose that is it

Albeh
Now, I must go to class

Albeh
And so do all of you