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Chapter Text

Lara curls her legs up under her as she takes a sip of her cocoa. She balances a book on her knees as she stares down at it, though she doesn’t take any of it in. Her eyes drift up to look around the room. One of the first things she’d done after acquiring the estate for her family again was to get herself the bed of her dreams. The second was to create a library.

There’d been more than enough rooms for her, her mother, and Carver when they moved in, even offering one to Gamlen. Lara’s two wishes had quickly been granted, with Leandra helping her find the finest mattress they could and bedposts, and later helping her fill all the shelves with books. Lara wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to get through all of them. Leandra had found books about animals, children’s stories that Lara missed out on being able to own back in Lothering, books about the stars, scary stories that kept them both up and sharing a bed to the annoyance of Anders, mysteries, romances, fighting manuals, and everything Leandra and Lara could think about.

They’d sit up late many nights and read to each other from the books Leandra had carefully selected. The romances were the most joyful of their time together, even though the subject matter often made her blush in the presence of her mother. It was Leandra who noticed the way Lara’s eyes had lit up when the male characters had… traits, that reminded her of Anders. Leandra knew that Lara was falling hard and quick for Anders and encouraged it. After Lara lost her virginity to Anders, she’d gone to Leandra.

And then Leandra met a man. And then Leandra was dead.

Lara would never forget the sight of her mother lying in her arms, dying. She’d never forget begging Anders to use his magic to save her, even though she too is a mage and knew that no magic would be able to save Leandra. She’d never forget sobbing in Anders’s arms later that night and begging him to make everything better. She’d never forget putting her mother in the ground, leaving her alone with a lover who wanted to be anywhere but here and a brother who hated her.

She hadn’t been able to come into the library for over a year after Leandra died. It hadn’t been just Leandra though. Anders had begun to pull away after Leandra died and Lara had suspected an affair. Honestly, sometimes she still suspected Anders had been having an affair. She couldn’t pick up a children’s story without thinking about how shit her adult life had become. She couldn’t read books about stars because somehow that made her think about the light in Anders’s eyes, a reach, she knew.

Romances had been completely off the table. Off the shelves, to be more precise. She’d be reading about a woman being made love to by her dashing prince only to slam it on the table after it made her question whether or not Anders was having equally passionate sex with some harlot down the road.

Lara frowns. Anders had told her that he hadn’t been having an affair and she really, really wanted to believe him. He’d told her “A warm body for a night is not more important than you,” but that was… after. That was after she’d been… What happened that day, night, whatever. Fucking around on Lara had been an inconceivable idea after she’d been… but what about before?

This thought that has manifested into a full blown fear wouldn’t leave her. If Anders had changed his behavior in the three months that have passed since what happened, then she might have chalked it up to something else. But he’s still secretive. He still goes out for hours on end. He hasn’t told her what he’s doing, where he’s going, or when he’ll be back.

Sure, Anders comes home more now than he did before Erik, Julian, and Kai kidnapped her. He slips into bed long after he thinks she’s asleep and curls himself around her protectively. When he thinks she’s asleep, he’ll whisper softly in her ear that her nightmares will be over soon. That’ll he’ll destroy all her nightmares or die trying. That he’d bathe the world in Meredith and the Templar’s blood if he had to. All to end her nightmares.

What Anders didn’t realize was that he was part of her nightmare. The continued secrecy frightened her. Some days she agonized over the affair she may have just made up in her head, and other days she thought he might love her so much that he would leave a trail of Templar bodies and Meredith’s head on a spike. It would bring a war down upon them all and Lara wasn’t sure if she’d rather the secrecy be an affair or Anders’s murderous rampage.

Lara looks around the library again. It really was an interesting thing. When her mother died, she hadn’t been able to stomach coming in here, falling out of love with the books she and Leandra had shared together. Now, now she couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving the library. Or leaving the house at all, really.

How long has it been since Lara left the Hawke Estate? Three days after Carver and Anders rescued her. She’s been inside ever since, after having a full blown panic attack so bad that Anders had to carry her home after her sole attempt to go outside.

Not that Anders, Carver, even Gamlen, Varric and the others didn’t try. They all tried to lure her outside. Varric and Isabela asked her to come drink with them at a bar. Fenris and Aveline asked her to come train with them. Sebastian asked her to pray with him. Merrill asked her to come commune with nature with her, whatever that meant. Gamlen asked her to come gambling with him, which she’d very nearly punched him in the face for after he asked her to front him. Carver came by almost daily now to ask her to do something, anything, just to get her out of the house. Anders was no different.

What they didn’t understand, or what they didn’t want to understand, was that she didn’t think she’d ever feel safe outside again. There were Julian’s on every corner. Kai’s in every shop. Erik’s staring at her everywhere she might walk. The only place that was safe for her is the manor. Her friends could come to her. They weren’t afraid of the Templars constantly walking around or Meredith, who could give another order at any moment. It was just better this way.

That still didn’t stop people from requesting her to do something for them though. Lara is the Champion of Kirkwall, a title she’d been proud of before but now filled her with anxiety every time someone knocked on the door or sent her a note. The anxiety might quell if Anders was with her more but he wasn’t. He’d left the first time three days after he brought her back here after what happened.

Where is he now? Lara takes another drink of her cocoa, grimacing at the now cold milk. She sets it down slowly and tilts the book on her knees so she can go back to reading.

Where is Anders right now?

Chapter Text

Anger radiates off of Anders as he walks as quietly down the tunnels as he can. It had taken great effort not to throttle Gamlen alive when he said Lara disappeared after leaving his house. The last one to see Lara was someone who fucking hated her, and the man hadn’t even been any help. Only Carver’s intervention had stopped him from killing the other man’s uncle. How Leandra had put up with him was beyond him.

It was Carver that had been able to find out where Lara was. The Templars weren’t as good as they thought about keeping a secret. The only thing Anders and Carver don’t know is which tunnel Lara is in. But they’d find her. They’d find her and kill whoever took her. Anders had made her a promise years ago and he intended on keeping that promise. He’d kill them for looking at her. For touching her, he’d make it slow.

Justice pushes at the back of Anders’s mind but he pushes back. He didn’t want to allow Justice to take control. It wouldn’t be Justice who killed the fuckers that took Lara but Anders. They’d choke on their own blood.

And if Lara was dead…

If Lara was dead then Anders would bring all the Templars to their knees. The Templars, the chantry. Everything. He wouldn’t stop until everyone remotely involved with the Templars were destroyed.

Ahead, Anders spots the lights of a fire flickering and he glances at Carver. The other man nods and they both slow their steps until they’re practically tiptoeing. They had no idea how many Templars were with Lara and what they were doing. Someone says, “We can… we can keep… keep her…”

Keep her… “What?” Another man asks. “Oh. Oh! We can keep her down here forever instead of killing her once we’re done.”

A gasp, a woman. Lara. She’s alive!

“Yeah!” Exclaims a third voice. “We’ll just tell Meredith we killed Lara. She doesn’t need to know the truth. We can keep her here for years.”

Anders takes a step forward and another as the person who talked first moans loudly and says, “Feed her. Ohh, fuck! We can feed her with our cum and make her drink our piss.”

Gritting his teeth, Anders slides a dagger free from the belt at his waist and steps towards the open tunnel to the right. What he sees when he gets there makes him want to puke. Two naked men pat each other on the shoulder while the third naked man lifts himself off of a very naked, very dirty, bound Lara. His Lara. His girl. His love.

I’ll drown them in their blood if they ever hurt you.

The dagger leaves Anders’s hand and flies through the air, sinking home into the brunette’s neck. The choking noise fills him with pleasure as the other two men stare in shock and try to save their friend.

Anders squeezes the book in his hand and hurls it as far from himself as he can. It crashes into the wall of the cave and slides down to the floor. His chest heaves and he slams his fist down on the table next to him.

He’d never been so angry in his life than he was that night, though today was coming close. Anders hadn’t been able to find the final ingredient he needed for his plan against the Templars. He finally knew where it was, but it took him three months to discover it. Three months wasted looking for the damned thing. Three months spent away from home.

Three months spent away from Lara.

Anders hadn’t missed the hurt looks Lara gave him when he left the manor. It killed him just as much as it did her; she just didn’t know it. It would be so easy to give up his quest for vengeance and go home, wrap himself around her, and protect her from all the evils of the world, but doing that would precisely go against protecting her from the evils in the world.

Because Meredith is still alive.

Meredith is currently walking around the chantry, knowing what she did to Lara, and not being punished for it. She gets to go outside while Lara is trapped in her home. She gets to go wherever she wants, eat whatever she wants, hurt whoever she wants, do whatever she wants to whoever she wants, and… nothing will happen to her. Meredith gets to stand tall and proud and act like she’s a beacon of hope for everyone when the real beacon may never recover from what happened to her.

That is why Anders can’t go home, not yet. Not for real. Waking up to Lara’s nightmares every night was killing him. Holding her until her racing heart slowed until she fell back into a fitful sleep was killing him. Watching her sit in her mother’s library day in and day out, reading books and drinking cocoa, was killing him. Listening to her reject all their friends’ offers to go out and have fun was killing him.

She wasn’t Lara anymore. His sweet Lara who always rushed into danger to save other people. Who refused to pick flowers because that meant they’d die, and who was she to choose whether they died or not. Who couldn’t drink Varric under the table but tried her damnedest to do so. Who lost at card games with Isabela, and never called the other woman out for cheating. Who danced in the trees with Merrill while they performed beautiful spells together.

Anders looks down at the table where all the ingredients he needs are, save for one. The book he threw had the magical recipe in it that he’d long memorized. One ingredient kept him from performing the spell that would destroy what the chantry had built, at least in Kirkwall. He’d find that ingredient and put it together and then…

The chantry would be destroyed and anyone in it would die.

So why hasn’t he tried to get to the last ingredient? Anders wanted it. Justice wanted it. It wouldn’t be easy to get but Anders never cared about putting his life at risk for mages, or for Lara. Breaking into the chantry was a risky mission though and he didn’t want it to be for naught. What if he died and couldn’t be there to protect Lara anymore? He needed the object or he wouldn’t be able to destroy the chantry. But Lara…

Lara.

That was what was stopping him from fully committing to the plan. If he did this, Lara might look at him with disgust in her eyes. It wasn’t just Elthina that would die, or Meredith or the Templars. Innocents might die. Lara might hate him for this. He’d have to go on the run and she likely wouldn’t want to go with him.

Anders is a mage and he knew his life in her manor was temporary. Meredith would eventually gain the powers to seize him, though Lara being the Champion protected her from the same fate. Being the Champion has gained her a fortune and she could use it to leave, go wherever she wants, while he remained in the shadows.

Fine. Anders rests both of his palms against the table. He would hide in the shadows while Lara lived in the light.

He would break into the chantry and steal the object he needs to destroy it. Meredith would die in the explosion or she would die by his hands, he didn’t care which.

And Lara would finally be free from the nightmares.

Chapter Text

“I have seniority.”

Lara’s trousers are ripped from her legs and she grits her teeth to keep from crying. Hands grip her legs and force them open so that dark colored eyes can view her in her most intimate place. Her body is lifted into the air and she closes her eyes. Skin touches skin and she waits for the thing that she can’t stop.

“She’s drier than the Hissing Wastes.”

Bile rises up into Lara’s throat and she has to press her lips together to keep from vomiting into her gag. It would result in her death, which would get her away from this terror, but it would not be a quick one. The idea of choking to death on her own vomit somehow felt even more terrifying than what was about to happen to her.

“Loosen up, Lara, or it’ll hurt you when I put it in you.”

Fingers pump in and out of her and Lara feels like her insides are burning. She tries to close her legs but the hands around her ankles keep them open. Lara refuses to open her eyes. Strangely, she felt like this would very much be real if only she opened her eyes and saw it. Perhaps she could imagine this was a dream. A terrible dream, if only she keeps her eyes closed and thinks about her love, her Anders.

“This one isn’t a loose woman. That Anders clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

A cock slides all the way inside Lara and waits a second before pulling back and pummeling inside of her. She screams into the gag and tries as hard as she can to move away from the cock inside of her, but the iron grips on her hips, arms, and legs keep her still. Lara was a virgin when she met Anders, and Erik is larger, stronger, and rougher than Anders. She’s never felt anything like this.

“I’m gonna take her mouth.”

Lara tries to be quick as the gag is ripped from her mouth but one hand grabs the back of her hair and the other grabs her jaw to keep it open. She almost pukes when a cock is shoved into her mouth and immediately begins to hump inside of her. Tears stream from her eyes and she wants to bite. She wants to bite. She wants to bite!

“I’m about to come. It’s gonna drip out of her.”

The first thing Lara thinks about as Erik releases inside of her is a babe. She had always thought that if she had a babe, it would be with Anders. They’d even talked about it once, and both decided it would be a reckless thing, considering the both of them are mages. Sometimes she’d thought her father had been a fool to put his own life and his future children’s lives at risk by having children despite being a mage. But… it is a fear that Lara shouldn’t have here. They weren’t going to let her live long anyway.

“I’ll take her ass, Kai can have that delicious cunt, and Julian can have her mouth again. You know Anders hasn’t fucked her in the ass.”

No, he hasn’t. Lara gags on fingers and she longs to bite down upon them. She knew if she did that he’d shove it in raw, and she wasn’t sure she could survive that. There was still hope Anders might come for her. Please, please let Anders come for her.

“She’s bleeding already. Weak little bitch.”

Erik pushes inside Lara and the pain is so agonizingly terrible that her jaw drops and she lets out the shrillest shriek she’s ever screamed. To shut her up, nails break the skin of her forehead and her head is dragged to the side, where a cock is waiting for her mouth.

Lara’s eyes pop open as her screams continue. Hands grip her shoulders and shake her roughly. “Lara! Lara! It’s okay! It was just a dream! Lara!”

She looks at the hand on her left shoulder and up into soft, worried amber eyes. “Lara,” He says gently in the loud silence after her screams. “Are you okay, my love?”

“I,” Lara rasps out and clears her throat. It feels raw after screaming. Gods, how long was she screaming before Anders could wake her up? “I’m okay.”

Anders slowly strokes her shoulder with one hand and pulls her towards him with his other hand. Lara allows him to pull her against his chest and she slides her head under his chin. His hand is gentle as he slides it up and down her back, his chest grumbling softly against her ear. Her mind is racing so wildly, thinking about Erik and Julian and Kai, that she can hear him speaking but can’t understand what he’s saying over her pounding heart.

Lara’s not sure how long they stay like this before her heart begins to slow. Her throat feels so sore. How long had she been screaming? How long had he struggled to wake her before she finally rose up in their bed and woke mid-scream? Her eyes drift over to the dark corners of their room where the crackling fire couldn’t reach. In each one she can see Julian, Kai, and the worst of them, Erik, even though she knows that is madness. They are dead, and she is barely alive.

The skin of Anders’s neck bobs and she can hear his spittle slide down his throat against her ear. His arms feel so heavy and warm against her body and it makes Lara’s eyes grow heavy. She doesn’t want to go back to sleep though. Sleep meant nightmares, rough touches, and screams, never ending screams. It was a wonder that her lungs had not completely given up on her and made her mute.

Anders’s chin moves on the top of her head and one of the hands on her back moves up to stroke her hair. “Are you okay, my love?”

No. No, she’s not, and she might never be again. Lara rasps out, “I’ll be okay.”

It’s a lie, and they both know that it is a lie. It’s been three months since what happened to her and she hasn’t come close to recovering. Hells, she hasn’t even gone outside except once, and that once had ended very badly. What a Champion she is…

“You will be,” Anders mutters softly. “You’re not now but you will be. I’ll make sure of it. That is where I go when I leave the manor. To get you justice, and to make sure you never have to suffer again.”

Lara frowns. She wasn’t sure what Anders could do to get her justice aside from killing Meredith, and she was respected in Kirkwall. “Where do you go? What are you going to do?”

“It’s best for you if you don’t know, Lara.”

The rejection stings Lara and she thinks about how late he’s been coming home each night. It surprised her that he hadn’t woken her when he entered their bed and likely curled himself around her body protectively, as he’d done each time he’d either woken her when he came in or didn’t know she was still awake when he did.

It must have been very late indeed when he returned to the manor tonight.

Affair.

“Anders,” She whispers and he hums under his breath. “Where do you go when you leave? Please tell me.”

Affair, affair.

“My love, it—” He clears his throat. “It’s best that you don’t know. I would hate for you to be implicated in what is going to happen.”

Mm, sure. Affair, affair, affair.

Lara slowly eases her way out from Anders’s arms without looking at him and rises from the bed. She grabs her robe from the end of the bed and wraps it around herself. Its weight is not as heavy as his arms had been, nor is it as warm as he was. That thought makes her feel sad but she doesn’t return to the bed, where she knew his warm, heavy embrace was waiting for her.

“Lara? Where are you going?”

“To the library,” She still doesn’t look at him. She can’t, not with that dreaded word still flooding her mind. “I can’t sleep and would like to read.”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“No,” Lara walks towards the door. “Goodnight, Anders.”

Chapter Text

Anders can put it off no longer. He needed to get into the Chantry.

It was the task he decided early on would be the last one he had to complete due to the near impossibility of the task. Well, save for the actual destruction of the Chantry. How amusing it was that the one thing he needed the most to destroy the Chantry was inside the Chantry itself. Now he only needed to get in there.

Most of the ideas he’s had over the last few months have been considered and nixed almost immediately. Crawling into a window of the building was asinine, though there had been a bad night with Lara’s nightmares that had him considering doing something that was so reckless and foolish. He wouldn’t have been able to get to the object but he might have gotten close enough to Meredith to slit her throat.

Sending Carver was another instant no. Lara’s brother hadn’t been able to hide the disgust he had towards Meredith and he was, by his own admission, watched like a hawk while in the Chantry. There was no way he’d be able to successfully infiltrate with eyes constantly on his back.

Lara had been one of the last options he’d thought of and decided against. Using her as a distraction made Anders feel sick. Everyone in that building would flock to the Champion of Kirkwall. She hasn’t even managed to go outside once without dissolving in tears and Anders wouldn’t ask her to try again just for this trickery. Especially if Meredith was there. Meredith would destroy whatever bit of happiness Lara has been able to grasp after her ordeal.

It didn’t help that Anders knew Lara would likely hate him for what he was about to do to the Chantry. She was sweet, kind, and the most amazing person he’d ever met in his entire life. The slaughter of potential innocents would turn her away from him. She was already drawing away from him, and it wasn’t even because of something he did. He knew she believed he was having an affair on her, and though he would deny it until his dying breaths, he knew his reluctance to answer questions didn’t alleviate her fears. Better she think that he’s an adulterer than a monster.

This romance was short lived anyway. He knew it the moment he decided this was his path. He’d be the start of a great war, a war that was necessary to liberate the mages… and Lara would hate him for it. It needed to happen though. Mages have been hunted and suffered enough. They needed to fight back and if they weren’t brave enough to do it themselves, he’d do it for them.

Meredith being blown to pieces along with the Chantry was merely the cherry on top of the pie.

But he’d only be able to do that if he was able to get into the Chantry, and aside from committing suicide by breaking in or asking the Hawke siblings to help, there was only one way he could get in there. The thought made him sick, having to rely on Sebastian Vael.

Ugh, Anders feels bile rise up into his throat. The pompous ass wasn’t just a Brother but also the rightful Prince of Starkhaven. Sebastian had never been rude to Anders, Lara, or Merrill, but the man was still of the Chantry. Would he turn against the rest of the religious zealots if it came to Lara’s safety? Of course not.

Still, Sebastian was the only chance outside of Carver and Lara that Anders can think of to get in there and get what he needs. Lara was the best option. They’d gather around her like a mob, but he’d never ask her to do something that she might never be ready for again. Carver was looked at with too much suspicion, but Sebastian… Sebastian is liked by the other members of the Chantry, knows Elthina, and would be able to talk her ear off until Anders could get what he needed.

It would be a challenge, but Anders could do it. If only he can convince Sebastian to have a chat with Elthina.

“What are you doing?”

Anders looks up from the book he’d been looking at but not reading. Lara’s standing in the doorway of the library, hesitating. Her small, pale hand holds the door jamb. He smiles at her. “I was just taking a look at what you’re reading,” He holds up her book and grins. “I didn’t know you liked dwarven romances.”

Lara smiles a shell of her old smile, but it’s a smile nonetheless. She slowly moves into the room and takes the book from him. “It’s one of Varric’s,” She flushes and sits down in her favorite chair. “He said he knew I liked romances and thought I should read it. There’s no sequel and I read his other romance serial. It was… terrible, so I didn’t think I’d like this one. I quite like it even though there are many dwarven words that I don’t know and am too embarrassed to ask Varric what they mean. Zenda Cragbane is so sweet.”

It was the most Lara had said to him at one time since the attack, and it was about a book. By Varric, of all people. Still, Anders was pleased that she’s talking about something, even if it’s a romance novel. He sits down in the chair across from hers. “Does Zenda have a dashing mage chasing after her?”

“More like a dashing rogue,” Lara smiles down at her book and strokes the title with a finger. “He’s a human named Manetto. They met after he swiped her coin purse from her pocket. He didn’t know that she was quite capable with a…” Her smile widens. “Crossbow. She got his shirt with a bolt that Varric would have gloated about.”

Anders grins at her. “So Varric wrote a character exactly like him only she’s a woman. I wonder who Manetto is supposed to be based on.”

“Probably Bianca,” Lara lays the book on her table next to a mug of what Anders guesses is hot chocolate. His love couldn’t get enough of the stuff. “The person, I mean, not the crossbow. He still loves her even if he denies it sometimes.”

“He doesn’t really talk about her with me,” Anders’s grin softens into a small smile. “He should just tell her he loves her. Telling you I love you made my life better.”

“Did it?” Lara asks him. “Is your life better right now after everything that has happened?”

Anders nods. “I think about the alternative,” The alternative that would happen to him once he blew up the Chantry. He’d live it, but she wouldn’t because she wouldn’t be going on the run with him. “Being on the run, hiding, begging for scraps of food or gold. Being captured and taken back to the Circle. They feed you in the Circle, but not much else. You’re not allowed gold. In some places, you’re not even allowed to go outside for fresh air. Some mages are raped by the Templars.”

“And what about me,” Lara says quietly. “What happened to me. Do you regret loving me now after what I’ve become? You didn’t sign up for this life.”

“Do you remember my promise I made the night I told you I love you for the first time?” Anders slowly inches his hand forward until their fingertips touch on the top of the book. He expects her to move her hand away but she doesn’t. “I said that I’d drown them in their blood if they ever touched you. If they ever hurt you. They touched you, they hurt you, and I drowned them in their blood. Well, two of them. Carver went a little bit crazy on the third. I kept my promise to you.”

“But—”

Anders holds up the hand not touching her. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault. The effect it has had on you isn’t your fault. What kind of man would I be if I stopped loving you or turned away from you for what happened to you? I wouldn’t recognize him. If I ever, for even a second, thought about leaving you of my own volition because of the rape, I’d draw a dagger across my throat and be done with this world.”

No, leaving her was what was going to happen. It just wouldn’t be because of the rape. It’d be because he destroyed the Chantry and couldn’t ask her to leave this plush life behind to run through the wilderness with him.

Besides, Anders is a Grey Warden. He’d die a young death and it’d leave her alone forever. Better she stays here surrounded by people who loved her.

“If you ever,” Lara taps the book absentmindedly, her fingers sometimes tapping his. “If you ever want to leave, you’ll tell me, won’t you? You won’t just leave?”

That was one thing Anders could promise. Once the Chantry blew to the sky, he’d tell Lara what he’d done and watch the love die from her eyes. It didn’t matter that she was a mage. It didn’t matter that she was an Apostate. She’d be sickened by the deaths of people that she might call innocent. Anders didn’t think they were innocent if they participated in the imprisonment of mages. He’d make sure Carver was out but that was it.

“Anders?”

He looks up at her and slides his hand up over hers, stilling her fingers. “I give you my word that I will never leave you of my own volition, and never because of what they did to you. I also give you my word that if I must leave you… it will be because circumstances have driven us apart and I do not want you to suffer for them.”

Lara’s hand spasms under his. “What do you mean? Circumstances driving us apart? What kind of circumstances are you talking about? Is it because of…”

She doesn’t finish her sentence and Anders knows, knows, deep in his gut that she still thinks he’s fucking someone else. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for that when he’d continued to run around keeping secrets like he’d done before those animals touched her. “If you’re asking if I’d leave you for another woman, I wouldn’t. I haven’t, my love. I meant…” He’s not sure how much he can tell her. She’d try to stop him if she knew the whole truth. “I meant if I was killed in battle or the city was attacked and we were separated and couldn’t stay together.”

“We’d find each other,” Lara pulls her hand out from under Anders’s and curls up on the chair with her legs under her. “We’ll always find each other… right?”

How he wished. “I’ll always try to find you,” He stands up reluctantly. “I need to go do something. Would you like to come with me?”

Lara’s face falls and Anders wants to kick himself for putting that look on her face. “Where are you going?”

“To talk to Sebastian.”

“What?” She tilts her head to the side, confused. “You don’t like Sebastian. You call him pompous.”

Anders shrugs. “He is pompous. ‘My faith is my armor, my cause is my shield!’ ‘Arrows courtesy of Sebastian Vael!’ ‘Blessed be the Maker! Today was not the day I die!’ It is never ending with that man.”

Lara’s lips twitch but she doesn’t laugh. “So why do you want to go talk to him if you think he’s so pompous?”

“I’d like to learn more about the Chantry here in Kirkwall,” That wasn’t technically a lie. Getting to the basement was the only thing Anders really needed from him. That and a conversation with Elthina. “Know your enemies, yes? Would you like to come with me?”

“No,” Lara reaches for her book. “Thank you for inviting me.”

A part of Anders wishes that Lara would come with him. It might quell her fears that he was sleeping with someone because she was likely suspicious of his meeting with Sebastian of all people. The other part is grateful that Lara will never see him be the monster she will inevitably think he is. “I’ll see you tonight, my love.”

“Okay.”

Anders takes one last look at her before he walks out of her library.

Chapter Text

Lara tries to read her book but she can’t focus on the story. Every time Zenda does something very brave all Lara can think about is how frightened she is to leave her own house. Every time Manetto does something romantic all Lara can think about is how Anders would rather be anywhere else but safely inside with her.

She knew it wasn’t fair to want that of Anders. He wasn’t broken. It didn’t hurt him to go outside. It probably also wasn’t fair to accuse him of having an affair but… what was he doing in his long absences? The secrecy bothered her more than the perceived affair does. Obviously she’d be upset if he was fucking someone else, but she might be able to forgive it if he was just honest with her.

The lie about going to the Chantry to speak to Sebastian was what was bothering Lara this much. Anders hadn’t blatantly lied to her like this before. It was always more believable before this. ‘I thought I’d go down to the docks and watch the ships come in.’ ‘I lost track of time at the shops, my love.’ ‘I was healing someone’s child. It was difficult magic.’ ‘I saw a cat and tried to steal it from its owner.’

All those things couldn’t be disproved. Anders does like to look at the ships from the docks. He does lose track of time when looking at the shops. He would spend every second helping a poor child. Lara was positive Anders had stolen at least one cat in his life.

But this was different.

Anders loathes Sebastian Vael. Working together in a team to take down some darkspawn was one thing. Talking over coffee about the Chantry was something else. Anders would never sink so low. Besides, Anders knew as much or possibly even more about the Chantry than Sebastian did.

What stumped Lara was Anders asking her to go with him. He couldn’t sleep with someone right in front of her, so clearly that wasn’t what he is actually doing right now.

Or… What if Anders knew Lara wouldn’t want to go with him if she knew he was going to see Sebastian? What if it was a cover? He could also have taken her to go see Sebastian and then leave the house while she was sleeping. Perhaps he wasn’t as innocent as he was trying to seem.

Lara tosses her book on the table and runs up the stairs. She wasn’t sure how she would manage to leave the house, but she did know she needed to see Anders with Sebastian with her own eyes. If they were together… if Anders wasn’t lying about this… then he likely wasn’t lying about an affair either. She needed to see them together. It would help her ease this paranoia that she can’t seem to shake that just… just when she’s starting to get better, he might leave her.

It doesn’t take Lara long to slide trousers up her legs, put on a dark tunic, and a hooded cloak. She wishes she wasn’t so conspicuous in Kirkwall. Becoming the Champion of Kirkwall had guaranteed that most of the citizens knew who she was when she went outside.

She slides the hood up over her head and stops. What she was doing was wrong. She knew that. Why couldn’t she just trust him when he said he wasn’t sleeping with another woman?

Because Lara’s actually caught him in a lie. That’s why she can’t just let it go. Everything else suspicious he’d done could be waved away, and Anders had been doing a lot of hand waving ever since he started disappearing on her. Sebastian was different. Sebastian was where Anders lied to her outright. Anders strongly disliked Sebastian and had never once, not ever, sought the man out to talk about the fucking Chantry of all things.

She should have just gotten over her fears and gone with him. At least he would have had to suffer her and Sebastian’s company while he figured out how to get away from them. Lara presses her lips together to keep from crying. Perhaps their relationship had just run its course. He just didn’t want to leave her because it’d make him look bad after what happened to her.

Before Lara can change her mind about leaving, Lara runs down the stairs and goes towards the door. Her feet slide on the carpet when Sandal seems to pop into existence right in front of the door. “Enchantment!”

“Oh, er,” Lara tries to smile at him. “No, thank you, Sandal. Where’s your father?”

“In the kitchen,” Sandal smiles back at her. “Enchantment?”

“My lady!” Bodahn hurries from the hallway leading to the kitchen. He shoos away Sandal. “I didn’t know you were venturing out today.”

Lara hadn’t either. She looks at the door and almost goes racing back to the safety of her library. The last time she’d been outside had been disastrous for her. If Anders hadn’t been with her then her heart might have stopped and she would have keeled over on the ground. She’d never have been able to make her way back home alone.

Guilt fills Lara. What was she doing? All this would do is push him away even further from her…

“Are you alright, Lady Hawke?”

No. She wasn’t, and she didn’t think she’d be alright unless she knew Anders was really with Sebastian. “I just need some air.”

Bodahn nods slowly. “That’s a good idea. Would you like one of us to come with you?”

Translation: “Will you be needing someone to drag you back to the estate before someone realizes the Champion of Kirkwall isn’t a champion anymore?”

Lara starts to shake her head but stops. It wasn’t too far from the Chantry, it was still daylight, and there would be enough people around that Meredith couldn’t kidnap her again. Still, Meredith was insane enough to kidnap the Champion of Kirkwall in the first place. It also would do to have a strong Dwarf with her. He could help defend her if she needed aid and could help her home if she needed that instead.

“Would you mind, Bodahn? I’m just going to the Chantry for a few minutes.”

“The Chantry?” He hesitates. “Is that… Never mind, are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I have to leave now though.”

“Hold on,” Bodahn moves towards a chest that he keeps with his and Sandal’s things. When he stands up Lara sees him slide a short axe into his belt. He shrugs. “Just in case. Stay behind me and do what I say if someone comes at us. I’ll cleave any of those Templar’s heads in two if they take one step towards you.”

“Alright,” Lara chews on her bottom lip. This could turn out very badly. Anders wouldn’t want her to leave without him. She should have gone with him at the start, but then he might not have done what he was actually planning on doing if she had gone. “Let’s go.”

Sandal kindly opens the door for them and they walk out into the setting sun. The door sounds too loud when it closes behind them. Lara squints in the light. Despite the sun setting, it was still brighter than she was used to. She’d grown accustomed to soft firelight in the estate.

“Are you sure you want to do this? Maybe it would be best if Anders was here.”

Bodahn wasn’t wrong.

Lara can already feel her heart starting to pound in her chest and her breath increase. It felt like all eyes were on her, even though there were only a few people on her street. “Let’s just get to the Chantry.”

He looks at her for a beat and Lara thinks he might tell her to get back inside. Instead, he turns away from her. “I know a few shortcuts. If this goes badly, you’d better tell Anders this was all your idea and not mine.”

“Can we please just go?” Lara’s not sure whose voice escapes her throat. It’s too high, too panicked. This was a bad idea, but she needed to see Anders now. She didn’t care what he was doing. He could be fucking his way through Kirkwall. He could be sneaking away and murdering people at night with Bodahn’s axe. She didn’t care. She just needed to know why he was hiding things from her. Even if it was bad. Even if it hurt her beyond anything else that ever has. “Now.”

Lara grits her teeth so hard that one of them cracks as she follows Bodahn down the street. He rushes down an alley and Lara hesitates before she follows him, but she does. The farther away from the estate they got, the more comfortable she’d be.

Some of the people in the streets give her funny looks but the further they get away from the house the lighter her heart pounds. Lara was still uncomfortable, but the panic that hit her once they were outside was almost completely gone. No one here wanted to hurt her. People in the Chantry would but here… here she was fine.

Bodahn leads her down another alley and Lara inwardly groans when she sees the Blooming Rose when they get to the end of the alley. She’d had to go there an unfortunate number of times before she’d been attacked and never got used to it.

A Dwarf walks out of the brothel and Lara freezes when she sees the familiar blonde hair. “Varric?!”

Varric jumps and turns to the alley. “Waffles! What are you doing sneaking around alleys?”

“I’m going to the Chantry with Bodahn,” Lara’s not sure how much she should tell her friend. “Anders went there to talk to Sebastian and I thought I’d join them.”

“Anders and Sebastian are having a conversation without getting annoyed with each other?” Varric’s brow lifts. “I’ve got to see this, Waffles.”

“What are you doing here? Bianca will murder you and string you up.”

Someone snickers from the doorway of the brothel and Isabela steps out. “I brought him here. I wanted him to help me cheat at cards.”

Of course. Lara glances at Bodahn, who looks annoyed. “Look, I’ve better go and—”

In an instant, all that had made Lara feel safe evaporates. A Templar steps out of the brothel, clad head to toe in the distinctive armor. He looks in her direction. The helmet is up, so she knows that he might not actually be looking at her, but she knows. What if he knows about Meredith’s plot?

A high-pitched keening noise fills the air and it takes Lara a few seconds to realize it’s coming from her throat. Her knees shake so hard that she can no longer support her weight. Arms wrap around her and she opens her mouth to scream. “No! Don’t take me back! Don’t take me back there!”

Lara jerks herself free from the arms and she falls forward. She sees the ground coming before she hits it face first.

Chapter Text

Anders can’t help but smile to himself as he makes his way back to the manor. His pockets were empty. The final ingredient was acquired. And the bomb was placed.

The bomb was placed.

All the hiding, scheming, and lying had finally come into fruition. Anders could set the bomb off whenever he wanted, and he was going to make damn sure Meredith and Elthina were in the building when it went off, and that Carver was out of it. The sooner the better. He didn’t want to keep his love suffering in suspension for much longer.

The smile falls from his face. There was only one thing preventing him from setting off the bomb right now, and it was saying goodbye to Lara. He wasn’t sure how she’d take it when he said he had to say goodbye. He wasn’t going to allow the Templars, however many survive, to take him into custody. Being a free mage was all he ever wanted to be. Running or, worst case scenario, taking his life was preferable to being the Circle’s slave.

Lara would never have to fear the Circle again once the bomb went off. Anders was hoping all the institutions of the Circle would fall once this one was gone. They couldn’t keep enslaving people and expect those people not to rise up against them. Lara would never be Meredith’s slave again. Or anyone’s. And if saying goodbye to her was what was necessary to save her, then so be it.

She wouldn’t want to come with him. No, that was too much to hope for. She’d think he was a murderer. Lara is good… and he isn’t.

At least they’d get a few more days together. Anders couldn’t stomach the idea of doing this today, when she still needed him so much. He’d wait until he knew she could handle going outside again. Carver would be able to help her after the bomb goes off. Varric, Isabela, and the others would help her. She doesn’t need him, especially considering she doesn’t believe him about the affair she’d concocted.

It hurt that Lara thought so lowly of him. Anders had never fucked someone else when he was committed to someone, and there was no one in the world he was more committed to than Lara. He couldn’t blame her for her fears though. He’d lied. He’d kept secrets. He was about to do something he knew deep down would make her disgusted with him. It hurt that Lara thought he was capable of an affair, but at least she didn’t think he was a monster.

Yet.

Whatever happiness was still inside Anders before he started thinking about the “affair” dies. She would think he was a monster. He might just slit his own throat if he saw the love in her eyes turn to disgust or, worse, hate. Those eyes that had crinkled in delight when he told her he loved her for the first time. They’d made love for the first time that night. He’d been more experienced than her but that didn’t matter. It had felt like they’d been made for each other. He knew everything about her, physically and mentally, but he didn’t know how to heal her.

Anders sighs as he steps up to the manor’s door. He can hear people talking inside but he can’t tell if any of them are Lara. Frowning, he opens the door and immediately freezes. “Varric! What are you doing here?”

“Blondie,” Varric turns away from Bodahn with a serious look. It wasn’t like Varric to be this serious. Anders shuts the door. “We had a problem at the bro-uh-outside.”

“Bro-uh-outside?” Anders lifts his brow. “That wouldn’t be the, uh, brothel, would it? I thought the brothel had some flowery name, not Bro-uh-outside.”

“Okay, Blondie,” Varric’s face turns annoyed. “Isabela and I were at the brothel and some trouble happened. We—”

“I’m not bailing you out of whatever that trouble is, Varric,” Anders frowns at him. “And you better not ask Lara for help either. If you and Isabela want to drink each other under the tables and get into fights with the whores or patrons, then that’s something the two of you can figure out on your own.”

“We weren’t drinking each other under the table and we didn’t get into a brawl,” A voice comes from upstairs and Anders looks up to see Isabela walking down them with a fierce look on her face. “I asked him to help me cheat at cards. There was someone there that really owed me.”

Anders rolls his eyes. “Of course you two cheated at cards. Like I said, neither Lara nor I will be getting you out of it. I swear, the two of you act like children sometimes.”

“Well, where the hell were you?” Isabela steps off the stairs and starts towards him with her finger raised. Anders had to admit it was a little bit frightening having her glaring at him like that. “Where the hell were you when the woman you supposedly love needed you? Because we all know you weren’t at the Chantry with Sebastian the Boring.”

“Lara?” Anders’s eyes dart up the stairs and back at Isabela and Varric. “Is she okay? What do you mean she needed me?”

“Calm down, Rivaini,” Varric exhales loudly. “Blondie, I don’t know what you were doing with Choir Boy but Lara… I don’t think she believes you were being honest with her about it.”

Anders freezes. He knew Lara hadn’t believed him about seeing Sebastian, but… “What happened while I was gone?”

“I said,” Isabela glares at him and her hand moves to her hip where her knife is. “What were you doing? We took care of Lara while you were off doing god knows what with god knows who. Who is she? I’ll hand-deliver her your balls myself.”

“I’m not fucking another woman!” Anders shouts at her before he lowers his voice. The last thing he wanted was for Lara to see him like this. “I was with Sebastian. You can ask him yourself if you don’t believe me. I would never be with a woman other than Lara.”

“Oh, please,” Isabela snarls at him. He’s tempted to snarl back. “She told me how secretive you’ve been. The long nights. You’re showing all the signs of a wandering cock.”

“I’m not doing this anymore,” Anders looks at Varric. “Why are you two here and what happened to make Isabela want to cut off my balls?”

Isabela opens her mouth but Varric holds a hand up towards her. She wisely shuts her mouth. “Isabela and I were at the brothel playing cards. When we walked out the door, there was Lara with Bodahn. She said she wanted to see you and Sebastian. She looked great, better than I’ve seen her in months. But then a… a Templar walked out and…”
Varric doesn’t need to finish his sentence. Lara has been outside once since the attack, and she hadn’t handled it well at all. He’d had to carry her back home shaking and crying. That day there wasn’t a Templar. He couldn’t imagine how she’d react to seeing a Templar that wasn’t her brother. “Is she asleep?”

“She passed out,” Isabela grinds out. “She panicked when she saw the Templar and Varric touched her arm to try to calm her down. She panicked even more, jerked away from him, and tripped. Her face took the brunt of the ground. We got her home and I tended to her wounds. There was gravel in her cheeks, forehead, and chin. She’ll have a black eye too.”

Fuck. Anders should have been with her, and he suspected Isabela and Varric agreed with that sentiment. “I promise that I haven’t been with another woman. I’m doing something that’s private but it doesn’t have anything to do with another woman.”

Isabela shakes her head. “We shouldn’t let you anywhere near her.”

Justice stirs within Anders and he’s tempted to let the spirit do whatever it wanted to Isabela. “If we weren’t apostates, she’d be my wife. You will not keep me away from my wife. I’m going up those stairs and you’ll have to kill me if you want to keep me from her.”

“Enough!” Varric sighs. “Come on, Isabela. She’s safe with Blondie. But,” He looks at Anders. “Whatever you’re doing, you need to tell Waffles. She got hurt because she thought you were lying to her about something. You called her your wife. Are you treating her like one right now?”

No, he wasn’t. Anders steps around Isabela. “I’ll see you two later. You can see yourselves out.”

He doesn’t wait for a response. His footsteps pound up the stairs and he clears the landing. He can see the firelight from their room. Anders walks faster and stops in the doorway.

Lara looked tiny in their bed. Even from the distance and the low lighting in the room, he could still see the scrapes on her cheeks, chin, and forehead. It should have been him gently picking out each piece of gravel from her skin. She got hurt… while he was setting up a bomb. The bomb needed to be put in the Chantry, but did he have to do it today? That moment? He’d assumed she’d be okay in the manor by herself for a little while. He hadn’t thought about her following him and hurting herself.

He was going to kill every last damn Templar in Kirkwall save for Carver. But first…

Anders slowly slips off his shoes and slides into bed next to her. Lara’s brow furrows before her face straightens. Her breath is slow and even. The skin around her left eye is darkening and Anders presses his lips together. What if her eye is irreparably damaged because of this?

He had to tell her. When she wakes up, he’ll tell her the truth.

Chapter Text

Lara could feel her forehead, her left eye, cheeks, chin, knees, and elbows aching the moment she wakes up. She doesn’t open her eyes but instead takes stock of her injuries. Her cheeks felt like they were rubbed raw. Her eyelashes feel as if they’re fused to the top of her cheek. She’s not even sure she’ll be able to open it when she tries. There were cuts and scrapes on her knees and elbows when she thrust them forward to try to save her face from most of the damage.

She can taste blood in her mouth, and she carefully presses her tongue against the inside of her mouth. There’s a small cut on her tongue that tastes like blood. She must have bit her tongue when she fell. The front of her body took the brunt of the fall. Her back ached but she hasn’t been very active lately.

It was unfair that the first time Lara felt brave enough to go outside it had to go so wrong. Why had that Templar chosen that moment to come outside? Did he know what happened to her? Did he want to finish the job the other three had started? That thought makes her feel sick.

A body moves next to her and Lara freezes before she forces herself to relax. She’s safe in her bed. The slow breathing next to her is Anders. She’d know his scent, his feel, anywhere.

Anders shifts in the bed again. “Lara, are you awake?” He whispers. “Are you awake?”

Lara turns over to face the opposite wall. She keeps her eyes closed even though he can’t see her face now. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to him about what happened. He’d told her he’d be there with her the first time she went outside, and he had been. Then he said he’d be there with her when she tried again. Was he angry that she went without him? Did he know that she went outside to investigate him.

Anders is a smart man. Surely he knew what she was up to. Is he angry at her now? What Lara had done was sneaky. She waited until he left and then she tried to follow after him. He had to be angry at her. Maybe so angry that he’s considering leaving her. Maybe that would be best for him. Surely he’d rather have a woman that will talk to him, kiss him, love him, and be with him the way he must want them to be together. Lara wonders what this mystery woman looks like. Maybe blonde, unlike her. Brown hair. Red hair. Green eyes. Brown eyes. What did she look like? His lover.

“I know you’re awake,” Lara can picture him behind her eyelids. He reaches his hand out to her back but lowers it. She’s not sure if she wants him to touch her or not right now. If he’s leaving her then not. She’s not that desperate. “You don’t have to say anything, Lara. I’m so sorry.”

Lara opens her eyes and stares at the wall. Light flickers from the fireplace. The room is so warm. It’s made even warmer by the closeness of his body. How many times have they held each other in this room? Held each other and kissed each other and made love with each other? He held her just last night as she fell asleep. It was a good night. How many more of them will they have after today?

Now that he knows how far she’s willing to go to catch him in a lie.

“I’ve been busy and ignoring you. Ignoring us,” Knuckles graze down the back of Lara’s neck and she shivers. She has to force herself not to cry when he pulls his hand away from her. “I swear everything I did was to give you a better future. I want to be part of that future, but I can’t,” He starts to cry. “I’m so sorry that I can’t be part of your future.”

Lara inhales sharply and she feels tears drip across the bridge of her nose and down her right cheek. The pillow becomes damp beneath her. This was it. He’s about to leave her. He doesn’t want to be part of her life anymore, and can she really blame him? Who wants to be with a cowering woman who couldn’t even walk outside without panicking, for fuck’s sake? He’s done. She just hopes that she never has to see him again after today, and especially not with another woman.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I’m not having an affair,” Lara shakes her head slightly. She wasn’t sure what to believe anymore, but that was the only thing that made sense. “I’m a monster. I’m going to do something you’ll believe is terrible and that’s why I must leave town,” Lara frowns. An affair isn’t so bad that he must leave town. She doesn’t understand. “I…I… I built a bomb. That’s why I was gone so often before you were attacked by the Templars and Meredith. I’m going to blow up the Chantry and everyone inside of it except your brother.”

What?

Lara blinks. She can’t have heard him correctly. But it is so off-the-wall strange that she believes him. She rolls back over and sits up. Anders is toying at the blanket and doesn’t look at her. “Anders, let me get this straight. You built a bomb and you’re going to set it off in the Chantry, killing hundreds of people.”

“Not hundreds of people, but yes, Meredith, the Templars, and the Grand Cleric. There may be some innocent casualties but not many,” Anders nods slowly. He still doesn’t look at her. “I hope all the other Circles in the world rise up against their own Chantry after I do this. We have been slaves to them for too long. Had your parents not hidden you then you would have been locked in the Circle for your entire life.”

That’s true. Lara is an Apostate because her parents made her that way. Her father was one too, and Bethany. Her parents were terrified that Lara and Bethany would be forced to live in the Circle, to never have a future and life that was their own. “You really believe the Circles will rise up against the Chantry? What if they foresee this? They are prepared to put us down.”

“They’ll see how far mages are willing to go to fight for freedom,” Anders sits up in the bed but he still doesn’t look at her. “Mine might be the first blow but it won’t be the last. It will show the mages that we can fight and that we can win against them. We don’t deserve to be their slaves any longer.”

“I agree that we deserve better,” Lara curls up into a ball and wraps her arms around her legs. She rests her chin on her knees and tries to catch his eye. “Why aren’t you looking at me? You’ve been so secretive lately, but you still could look at me. Now that you’ve told me the truth you can’t look. Why?”

Anders shakes his head and pokes at a hole in their blanket. “I just don’t want to see that look on your face.”

Lara frowns. “What look?”

“Come on, Lara,” He laughs humorlessly. “You’re angry at me. You’re disappointed. Maybe you’re even starting to hate me. You… You’re disgusted with me.”

Oh. Oh.

Lara gets it now. All those late nights out of the manor. The sneakiness, the white lies. She remembers a certain night where he came home absolutely reeking of drakestone. He said he’d just been on a walk. The shiftiness was what made her start to suspect him of something, and those suspicions quickly turned into fears of an affair.

That shiftiness hadn’t been because he didn’t love her or trust her. It had been because he didn’t want her to hate him. And if she did hate him… he didn’t want to see it. Maybe he didn’t want her soured face to be on his consciousness.

“What were you planning on doing,” She asks quietly. “After you destroyed the building? Were you going to come back here and tell me what happened or were you just going to leave? I know you’re only telling me this now because I got hurt and you feel guilty for building a bomb instead of being with me.”

“I was planning on telling you the day I’ve decided to set it off,” Anders admits. “I didn’t want you to find out by my just disappearing. Either they’re going to kill me right after it happens or they’re going to hunt me down. I’ll go out into the wilderness and disappear.”

“And what about me?” Lara isn’t sure she wants to hear this answer. “You were just going to leave me behind.”

“Lara, I must,” Anders blindly reaches towards her, and she lets him take one of her hands. “The bomb is something that I need to do to save all the mages. They will realize that they can get freedom but only if they fight for it. I am willing to fight and die for it, but I am not willing to let you die for it. You have earned yourself a home here. Meredith would never dare attack you here, and she’ll be dead soon because I will not set the bomb off until I know she’s in the Chantry. You’ll be safe soon in a lap of luxury. If you follow me then you only follow me to death. We’ll be hunted down and killed. We’ll live in squalor. You don’t deserve that.”

“Neither do you,” Lara frowns at him. “Every single thing I’ve done in this city… I wasn’t alone for it. You have been by my side throughout all of it. The Deep Roads, the Qunari. I wouldn’t have been able to do half those things without you. Hells, I wouldn’t have been able to do a single damn one of those things without you and Carver and Varric and Aveline and Sebastian and Fenris and Isabela and Merrill. You earned our home just as much as I did. Look at me.”

Anders hesitates before he finally looks up. His hand spasms in hers. Lara shakes her head slowly. “I don’t hate you. I’m not disgusted with you. I’m not even angry at you. I lived a loved but poor life before coming to Kirkwall. On our coldest days I wished for the heat of the Circle towers. I’ve never thought it was fair that myself, my sister, and my father were Apostates and hated simply because we didn’t want to be used and abused by the Templars. Blowing up the Chantry is a bad idea, but I don’t hate you for wanting it.”

“I love you,” Anders says. It sounds just like all the times he’s told her that before. “Are you going to try to stop me?”

Lara looks away from him. She doesn’t know. Meredith would die. Many Templars would die. The Cleric. She couldn’t be partial. Her hatred and fear of Meredith and the Templars completely overpowered her. But what about the innocent people? Anders said he could prevent innocent casualties but was he telling the truth?

She just didn’t know what she was going to do.

Chapter Text

Are you going to try to stop me?

It was a question that has been passing through Anders’s mind for the last week. Every time he has asked Lara that question, she doesn’t answer. A part of him thinks he should just blow the building sky high and allow whatever punishment to come when it does, but he’s not sure how she’s going to react if he does that.

Lara has been quiet. She doesn’t even read, just staying in their room instead. It could be because of her injuries from outside the brothel, but he thinks she doesn’t want to see him right now. When he tries to get her to talk, all she’ll do is mutter one-word answers. He knows it’s because she’s trying to decide what to do, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell her there might not be another way.

Because the bomb will explode when anyone approaches it.

Anders had thought that was clever. It would prevent one of the Templars the ability to deactivate it. If one of them walked within a few feet of it… The entire place would blow. It was mere chance that this week had gone by without the bomb exploding and taking Meredith and her vile Templars with her. He had thought he placed the bomb well, but maybe he placed it too well.

It was something that Anders could detonate whenever he wishes, but he liked the idea of it being able to go off if he wasn’t able to do it himself.

If Lara tries to stop him from setting it off, she could put herself in danger by going to the Chantry. Her body coming close to it would set it off. There was little chance of Lara entering the Chantry, but would she do it if it meant saving people?

The only way to save all those people is to get them out of the building and far enough away where they wouldn’t be killed by the debris. Would Lara do that? The Lara before would have. She was his greatest fear before she was attacked. He secrecy wasn’t just because he didn’t want her to know what kind of monster he was, but also because he didn’t want her to stop him.

What Lara likely expects but is wrong about is that Anders could stop the bomb from exploding if he approached it himself, physically. He can’t. He’d made it that way. Even if it was him, it would explode. There was no way to stop it. The only thing they could do was wait for it to explode and see how many people died with it.

Anders had interest in saving only one person, and that was Carver. He’d already told Carver to avoid the Chantry, and as far as he knew the other man hasn’t stepped foot in the building. The stage was set and the only thing to do was either set it off using his magic or allowing it to go off when someone approached the bomb.

“What are you doing?” Anders looks up. Lara is standing in the doorway, holding a cup of what he presumes is hot chocolate. “I thought you were gone already.”

“I woke early,” Anders holds up Varric’s book that Lara was reading the week before. When he left, she followed him. “I thought I’d get to know Zenda and Manetto.”

Lara sets her cup down and sits in the chair next to him. “And what did you learn about them?”

“Manetto’s a thief,” Anders places the book down next to her cup. “But he’s mostly not a bad man. He steals because he had a hard start to life, and he doesn’t know how to escape it. Until he meets Zenda, who gives him a chance no one else ever did.”

“You’ve read quite a bit then.”

“I’ve been awake quite a while,” Anders gives her a strained smile. “I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking I’d wake, and you wouldn’t be there.”

Lara hums under her breath. “And that is exactly what my fears have been the past year. Even before. I thought one day you wouldn’t come back, and I’ve lost you.”

“You will only lose me if I have to flee this place,” Anders turns his chair so he can face her. His knees press against the side of her leg. “Lara, there’s no stopping the bomb. I ensured that. I cannot get close enough to disable it, and neither can anyone else. It will blow up. What matters is how many people will be killed by it. I’ve already warned Carver to stay away, so I can choose when it happens or the unlucky soul that approaches it first can set it off.”

“I figured you’ve thought of everything,” Lara nods. She doesn’t look at him though. Her hand moves to rest on top of the book, and Anders believes this might be a dismissal. He starts to rise when her voice stops him. “Tell me what you think of Manetto?”

Anders lets himself fall back into his seat. He stares at her, but she doesn’t look at him. Her eyes remain locked on the bookcase across from her. “He’s a thief,” He says again. “He’s not a bad man though. He grew up in squalor. His mother died. His father disappeared. He was lucky to ever have two gold coins to rub together. The only thing he could do was steal, or at least that’s what he thought. Then he met Zenda, and she taught him how to live an honorable way.”

“He was a thief,” Lara finally looks at him. Her blue eyes are wet, but they haven’t spilled over onto her cheeks yet. “But he wasn’t a terrible man. Circumstances made him do terrible things. Life was unfair to him.”

“You…” Anders’s lips quirk up. “You don’t think Varric wrote this book about us, do you?”

“I’ve had my suspicions,” Lara gives him the same ghost of a smile that she’s given him since the attack. “Manetto does act like you, and Zenda acts like me. Of course, he made them a rogue and a dwarf to keep anyone from knowing it’s us, but yes, I do think Varric wrote this story about us. I haven’t finished it yet.”

“I have,” Anders smiles. “I was awake for quite a while.”

Lara’s smile disappears. “Do they have a happy ending?”

“Yes,” Anders bumps his knees against her leg. “They do. They get married and live together in Kirkwall for the rest of their lives.”

“Doesn’t that sound nice?” Lara’s voice takes on a wistful tone. “I suppose that future will be gone once the Chantry is destroyed. They will bring in Circle mages to examine what is left of the building. They may be able to trace it back to you.”

“That is why I have to run,” Anders places his hand over hers on the book. “I don’t want to leave you, my love. My choice is to run or wait for them to come for me. If I fight here, it might risk your life, so I won’t fight them. But I won’t stay and wait for them to come hang me. If I run, then I have a chance to keep fighting and make them pay for locking us up like we’re their possessions. A friend of mine was raped by a Templar in the Circle, and she escaped. It happened to you. I’m tired of watching the people I love being murdered and other terrible things because they were born as they were. It is not fair.”

“I know,” Lara turns towards him, and their knees press against each other. “I know, Anders. I grew up as an Apostate. I feared for my life, and Bethany’s, and my father’s. Sometimes I asked myself why my father would dare have children if he knew what might happen to them. Meredith can’t publicly touch me because I am the Champion of Kirkwall, but privately? You don’t know what it was like.”

“No, I don’t,” Anders admits. “And I want to do this so no one will suffer your fate. Meredith knows that you know she did this. She hasn’t left the Chantry in weeks. It’s the only place she is surrounded by Templars. The Templars are not innocent. How long will it be until Meredith makes another attempt on your life?”

“I would say…”

Anders waits for her to finish her sentence patiently. Finally, Lara looks him dead in the eye. “I would ask you to just run away with me, but this isn’t just about me. It’s about all the mages. So if this is what you need to do, I won’t try to stop you. But… I want you to do this with the minimum amount of casualties. I will never forgive you if Carver pays the price for our desire to see Meredith die.”

“I want to run away with you and leave this place behind,” Anders laces their fingers together. “But it is not just you who has suffered. I want to save all the Circle mages.”

“I understand,” Lara smiles at him again, only this time it’s her old smile. The smile from before. “But there’s one thing I need you to do for me after you destroy the Chantry.”

“What is it?”

Lara’s smile disappears again. “I want to run away with you. I want us to live or die, together.”

Chapter Text

Lara wakes the exact same way she’s woken every morning since she found out about Anders’s bomb. Eyes closed, she listens hard for the sound of crying, screaming, or anything else that would indicate that a magical bomb had gone off in the night. Not that Lara would have been able to sleep through something of that magnitude, but she still listens regardless and opens her eyes and sighs as she hears nothing out of the ordinary.

Down in the front hall, Lara can hear Sandal singing a song she’d once heard him try to teach Anders. That puts the worry out of Lara’s mind. If Sandal is singing, then the bomb hasn’t exploded. She can breathe for another few minutes.

But how many more minutes would Lara have to breathe?

Anders finally told her everything about the bomb last night. It would go off whether he wanted it to or not, and he wanted it to go off very badly. He had the ability to set it off with magic whenever he wants to, but not only that, it’ll go off whenever someone gets within a few feet of the bomb. A small part of her thinks he may have hidden the bomb too well if it hasn’t been approached in over a week since it was placed.

Or…

Or the bomb has malfunctioned. Lara hasn’t broached that delicate topic with Anders, but she knows it’s passed through his mind as well. She knows he’s itching to use his magic to make it go off now, but she also knows that he’s putting it off in the hopes that she changes her mind about fleeing with him. It was a dangerous path he was taking, and he doesn’t want it for her, but Lara doesn’t think she’ll be able to survive without him. She won’t be able to heal without him. She loves him, even now, even knowing what he wants to do, because she wants the same.

She wants the Templars to pay for what happened to her, because she knows in her heart that at least some of them had to know what Meredith ordered and did nothing to stop it. Only Carver and Anders. They were the only ones that tried to stop what they knew was happening.

How many years had her parents been afraid for Lara and Bethany’s safety? They’d hidden like rats because they didn’t want Lara and Bethany to wind up enslaved by the Templars. How many mages would Anders free if this works? How would the rest of the world react? Would they say they were right to cage the mages because of what one did, or would they realize the mages should be given a chance, a chance to prove they aren’t the monsters the Templars believe them to be?

Lara isn’t a monster. Bethany wasn’t a monster. Anders… Anders would be seen as a monster by many people, but he wasn’t to Lara. He was light and hope and love to Lara, always love.

That thought has Lara shoving the blankets down to the end of the bed, jumping out of bed, and yanking on her trousers and tunic. She races down the stairs and past the singing Sandal towards the library where, she just knows, Anders is.

Anders is so deeply engrossed in Varric’s book that he doesn’t notice as she steps into the room. “Why hasn’t it blown up yet?”

He jumps and looks up at her, the book clenched in his hands. “What?”

“Why hasn’t the bomb exploded?” Lara sits down across from him. “I keep waiting for it to blow but it hasn’t. Surely someone has stepped close to it in the past week it’s been there. Is something wrong with it?”

“No, my love,” Anders sets the book down on the table between them and runs both of his hands through his hair, a sign that he’s stressed. “There’s nothing wrong with it. I can feel it through my magic. I had to hide it well so that I could leave the building before someone approached it, but apparently, I hid it a little too well. Of course I would prefer to choose when it goes off, but I’m waiting for you to…”

For Lara to… tell him to leave. It isn’t the first time he’s brought it up, and it makes her as angry as it did the first time. She glares at him. “I told you that I’m coming with you. Part of me doesn’t want you to do it because innocent people may die, but… I want you to do it. I want Meredith to die. I want the Templars that abuse mages to die. I want everyone who chains innocent mages out of fear and prejudice to die. No one would have ever questioned my disappearance if those monsters had succeeded in killing me because I am a mage. I may be the Champion of Kirkwall, but I’m still a mage, and people fear that even though they don’t dare speak a word against me because of all I’ve done here. How long will it be before someone kills me or enslaves me because they fear who I am? I would rather live on the run with you then spend a single second more afraid of what the Templars will do to me if Meredith can get away with capturing me?”

“She wouldn’t dare,” Anders doesn’t look at her. He growls under his breath and Lara thinks his eyes might flash white. “She wouldn’t dare lay a hand on you after—”

“But she could!” Lara interrupts him. “Once you leave I’ll be here alone except for Sandal and his father, and I would never ask them to lay down their lives to protect me. Nor would I ask it of Isabela or Varric or the others. I know that they would camp out in my front hall if I asked it of them, but if I stay here, I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Even if you succeed in killing Meredith, how do you know you will kill every single person who knew her plot to murder me?”

“Lara, my love,” Anders finally looks up at her and realizes that his eyes are watery. “You’ll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life if you come with me. You might not if you stay here. I’m hoping that mages will be freed.”

“Or they won’t,” Lara crosses her arms stubbornly. “Perhaps they will be so angry about this that Kirkwall can no longer pretend they don’t know I’m a mage. Or they could be free, but you still be a murderer. Regardless, I’m going with you. I would rather be free and with you than in a cage, either of their making or mine. This manor is a cage, Anders. If you leave without me… I will take my life. I can’t live here without you, and I refuse to be their slave.”

Anders’s eyes go back to their normal amber hue, and he stares at her in horror. “No, Lara.”

Lara stares back at him. “I will. I’ll never be able to live happily in this place after so much has happened, and I can’t get through this without you. We live together or we die together. There’s no other way.”

Anders opens his mouth to say something else, but a shout comes from the front hall. “Lara! Anders!”

“Carver?” Lara frowns and turns as her brother races into the library. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Carver looks at Anders. “I don’t know how you’re planning on killing Meredith, but you have to do it today.”

“Why?” Anders rises from his seat. “Meredith has been in the Chantry every day for the last month, plotting who knows what with Elthina. That’s why I put my weapon in the Chantry. It’ll kill Elthina and Meredith. I’ve promised Lara that I wouldn’t kill her when you and… Sebastian aren’t in there. Why do I need to do it today?”

“You have to do whatever you’re doing today,” Carver looks from Anders to Lara. Her frown deepens. Lara has never seen her brother so afraid. “I was in the Gallows earlier and heard one of the other Templars say Meredith has sent a group of Templars to the Drakestone Mines. She supposedly has an eyewitness to the two of you skulking down in there gathering dangerous materials that could be used in—”

“The bomb,” Lara feels herself starting to shake. She wraps her arms around herself. “She knows, or at least suspects, about the bomb.”

“Yes,” Carver nods. “I don’t know how she knows but she’s had the two of you watched for some time. She talks about you two being mages, but the city loves Lara, and upsetting the Champion of Kirkwall by kidnapping her lover is not something Meredith is willing to risk. Not openly, at least. So she plans on discrediting the two of you by providing evidence the two of you gathered the ingredient to destroy the Gallows.”

“The Gallows?” Anders laughs, and Lara and Carver both give him concerned looks. “Why the fuck would I attack all of those innocent mages?”

“Because those innocent mages are being guarded by Templars,” Carver shrugs uncomfortably. “She likely believes that you’re willing to kill mages if it means taking out the majority of the Templars in Kirkwall, save for the ones that are Meredith’s protectors. The… end justifies the means.”

“I want to free the mages!” Anders shouts, making both Carver and Lara jump. “I wouldn’t kill them. What evidence does she have that Lara and I were in there?”

Carver shakes his head. “I don’t know other than Meredith supposedly having an eyewitness to the two of you going in there. The group of Templars is going there today to discover what you two searched for, and when she finds the materials you used to create your, uh, weapon, she intends on arresting you and possibly Lara if she can prove Lara took part in creating the weapon.”

Anders and Carver both fall silent, and Lara looks between them. “Carver, are you absolutely sure Meredith is in the Chantry right now?”

“Yes,” Carver doesn’t meet her eyes. “I raced to the Chantry and watched her walk in with some of her guards. I ran back here. She thinks you’re targeting the Gallows to kill all the Templars. She… I doubt… I don’t think she has given the Templars warning of a potential attack because on my way here I didn’t see any other Templars making their way to the Chantry.”

“Then we have to destroy the Chantry now,” Lara turns to face Anders, who looks so angry Lara thinks they might be about to be speaking to Justice instead of Anders. “We need to tell our friends what’s going to happen. Carver, I want you to go to the Chantry and watch for Meredith to come out. Come back to us if you see her leave, and we’ll send someone to come get you once it’s time to blow it to the sky. Then I think it’ll be best if our entire group leaves Kirkwall separately so they can’t capture any of us. I’ll leave a letter to Orsino explaining why we did this, that Anders and I have gone of on our own, and we’ll kill anyone who follows us. I always liked Orsino. I can trust him to try to do what is right, and the mages will need his guidance.”

Anders and Carver both look at her in silent astonishment, and Lara knows why. She didn’t just sound like the broken woman she’s been since Julian, Kai, and Erik kidnapped, tortured, and raped her, but she sounds like…

The Champion of Kirkwall.

Chapter Text

It’s happening.

Anders can’t believe it’s actually happening. In less than an hour, the Chantry will be destroyed, Meredith will be dead, and he and Lara will be escaping the city to go make their own future in the wilds.

He glances over at Lara. She’s having her ears talked off by Merrill, but there’s… something different about her. Something he noticed when she came up with their plan to escape. She didn’t look like the abused rape victim of Meredith and those heathens. She didn’t look broken, as she has had so many times over the last several months.

Lara looks like the Champion of Kirkwall again.

Not only did Lara sound like the Champion when she came up with their plan, but she looks like it now. She’s been going through their group as each of them arrives, smiling and even laughing at Varric’s dumb jokes. She even gave Merrill a hug that didn’t last long, but it was still a hug. Only Anders was someone Lara could stomach to touch until now, and even he didn’t get much from her except a touch here or there. Not that he minds. He thought he would never get to touch her again after the explosion.

That was the strangest thing for Anders, as he watches her make her way through the library and talk to her friends.

Anders didn’t think she would ever choose to come with him. Lara’s good. She’s good, and she would never forgive someone for destroying a building that is bound to have civilian casualties. Anders doesn’t want that, but he’s not foolish enough to think there might not be anyone else who dies that he doesn’t intend. Not only is she willing to go through with the bomb, but she is also willing to go with him.

They were going to be together, forever. Well, or as long as they can manage to be together before the authorities come for them. He knows the end of this journey. It will end with them either swinging next to each other or being beheaded one right after the other. Lara might be spared the noose because she is the Champion of Kirkwall, but they couldn’t ignore her part in this. And she is a part of this now.

Anders takes a drink of his cinnamon-infused whiskey. He imagines it’s the nicest thing he’ll be able to drink for a while. Not that it matters. What he’s more concerned about is Lara’s life after this. Her parents hid her like she was a dirty secret her entire life, and then she came to Kirkwall and became Champion, gained a manor, and became a real lady here. Anders was taking that away from her now, but he couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving her behind once he left. She wants to come, so she is coming.

“May I ask why we are here?” Isabela drawls as she steps into the library. “Merrill said we’re leaving Kirkwall and Anders is about to blow up a building or something, but that can’t be right. Merrill must be going insane.”

“No, I’m not!” Merrill frowns at Isabela. “That’s what Varric told me. I don’t see why we have to leave Kirkwall though. The Templars will be killed if we destroy the Chantry. Isn’t that a good thing?”

“We have to leave because we’re about to blow up a building, dung for brains,” Isabela speaks slowly to Merrill as if she’s speaking to a child. “Do you really think the Templars and other Chantry’s are just going to ignore that? No, of course we have to run.”

“Enough,” Lara speaks over both of them, and Anders smiles as everyone instantly quiets. “We don’t have much time. Carver is watching the Chantry from a safe distance to make sure Meredith doesn’t leave the building. We will need to leave Kirkwall in groups. Anders and I were seen going into the caves where the materials to create the bomb are found, so the Templars already know Anders and I have been doing something suspicious. Anyone who stays will likely be targeted. Anders and I will leave together. Everyone else should leave in groups of two or three from separate entrances as soon as the building is destroyed. They know Anders and I will be guilty once they test what they find in the caves. I won’t put it past the Templars to not arrest all of you. They’ll think you helped us destroy the Chantry.”

“May I ask,” Fenris levels a look at Anders. “What your plan was before you involved Hawke in this?”

“I was going to leave,” Anders gives Fenris the same look. He’s growing weary of the man’s distrust in mages. “As soon as the building blew, and it is going to whether I will it or not, I was going to leave. Lara wants to come with me, and so she will.”

“So I will,” Lara smiles at Anders. “There are three main ways to leave the city, but there are also the two hidden gates Isabela found last year. There are eight of us. Sebastian doesn’t know what we’re doing, but Carver has convinced him to leave the building for the day. I don’t know what he’s going him doing, but Sebastian would definitely warm the Chantry. We should go in twos since there are eight of us, and we should each choose a different way out of the city. Anders will make the building explode once he and I are in position at the gates to leave. With all the chaos, everyone should be able to run free. Get as far away as you can. We’re leaving Kirkwall.”

For the third time in less than an hour, Anders doesn’t see the broken woman he’s seen since the attack. He sees the Champion. “The bomb will go off once someone steps near it, but I can set it off on my own. How about I let it go off in half an hour. That gives everyone the time to get down to their designated spots. I am afraid this will be goodbye. Lara and I intend on disappearing into the wilderness forever unless the Chantry changes its ways and frees the mages.”

“Alright!” Isabela gives both Lara and Anders a thumbs up and she winks at Lara. “Let’s blow this trash city. The only good thing they’ve got going on here is that brothel, and Varric and I aren’t allowed back in there after he helped me cheat at cards. They didn’t like that very much. Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing those Templars die for what they did to our girl.”

Lara’s spine tenses, but only for a moment before she orders, “Alright, get into groups of two and let’s leave this city. I want you all to know that I love you. All of you. I hope to see you again, but if Anders and I don’t, you are all my family. Thank you for supporting me even when I couldn’t fight for myself. If… if this works, maybe the mages will be free, and maybe we can all get a drink in Val Royeaux in a year’s time. Let’s mark our calendars for that.”

Isabela surprises all of them by walking up and hugging Lara tightly. “I’m going to drink you and Varric under the table,” She pulls away. “I’ll get a message to you letting you know I’m okay. I have my ways. Just get to a dock every once in a while, and one of my people will find you.”

“Okay,” Lara smiles at Varric sadly. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you, so I think I’ll just say farewell for now.”

“Bye, Hawke,” Varric looks uncomfortable. “You’ve been a true friend. I’ll do everything I can to make sure you can live in this world freely.”

Fenris steps forward. “Are you sure about this, Hawke? Innocent people will die.”

“It’s already done, Fenris,” Lara shakes his hand. “It’s going to explode whether Anders likes it or not, and… I don’t disagree the Chantry needs to see just how badly mages feel about their chains. It may be a gilded cage, but it is still a cage to us. You know what it is like to be chained.”

“Yes, I do,” Fenris moves to stand next to Aveline. “I suppose I will say no more.”

Aveline and Merrill both move forward to hug Lara, and Anders watches as she says goodbye to them. It doesn’t take long before they all start leaving the manor in pairs.

Lara turns back to look at Anders. “Are you ready?”

“Yes,” Anders stands up and shoulders his bag. He watches her do the same. “Let’s go.”