Chapter Text
He watches as the blue room lights up with sparks.
The circular saw tearing through the door manages to heat up the walk-in as he stays against the shelves, just far enough so that the sparks merely touch his boots.
Although it was muffled by the room, Carmy could hear as people eventually left. He still feels as if he is 10 feet underwater when the door opens and reveals the maintenance guy, Fak, Sugar, and, of course, Sydney. He blinks slowly as his eyes adjust to the brightness of the kitchen and winces when Fak extends his hand out for Carmy to get up. Fak's fingers feel too warm against his, the way it would feel back in New York whenever Carmy would touch anyone and his extremities would be too cold, when he would be too tired, too hungry, or too faint. When Carmy speaks, he thinks his voice might as well be sounding through snow, soft and muted as he apologizes to the ones that have stayed.
“I'm really sorry about tonight.”
He thinks his apology might feel as empty as he has felt himself ever since the walk-in shut closed behind him.
He watches as Fak tells them he will be heading out, as he says something about his brother and hugs Sugar and Sydney. While his friend engulfs him in his arms, Carmy asks.
“Was, hum, was table 50 served well?”
Fak gives a step back, hand still on Carmy's shoulder. “Of course, cousin!” He can see a question show up in his sister's face behind Fak, who gives him a pat on the back before eventually leaving. Sugar steps closer to him before speaking.
“Why do you ask, Bear?”
Carmy looks at her, a puzzled expression still on her face. “Hum?”
“Why table 50?”
“Uh..” His hands feel so cold. His tongue feels as if it has been numbed. “Hum, it was- it was one of my old bosses.”
Sugar looks back at Syd, who has been supporting herself against the sauté station ever since he walked out of the walk-in, her arms crossed across her body. “What do you mean?” He can't see the expression of worry on his sister's face, but he can see Syd's response, uncrossing her arms while she meets his eyes with a question. Sugar looks back at him as she continues. “That table was a friend of mine, Bear.”
He is so cold. Carmy feels the stale taste of family meal, a sensation that only reminds him more of New York. His eyes go back and forth between Sugar and Syd and if they say anything, he can't really hear through the sound of water rushing out of the tap.
“I… Uh, I- I have to check something in the office.” He heads towards his office, Syd's hand brushing his arm once he passes through her. “Goodnight chef, Sug.”
He doesn't wait to hear their response, closing the door behind his back.
A deep breath.
The air doesn't quite reach his lungs.
***
To say that she and Syd would stay would be an understatement when they exchange a quick look as Carmy heads to the office. Natalie sighs as she heads to the front table, gathering all of the notes passed during the night so that she and Syd can go through them.
She hadn't seen her brother react to anything like this night for a long time, the same ashen tone to his face priorly reserved to the first time she had seen Carmy after Mikey's death. Natalie sets the papers on top of the station once she is beside Sydney.
“Let's see what we will need to work on.”
The minutes pass as they flip each new note and comment on the service. Despite their low tone, they can barely hear Carmy speaking inside the office, some sort of exchange going on behind the door. A silence stretches for a few seconds, maybe some minutes, that's until a choke resonates through the door. Nat looks over to Sydney, who seems just as confused as she herself feels but also not exactly surprised. Then a second choke comes and they rush to the office.
Sydney gets there first, calling Carmy as she knocks on the door. They don't get an answer, but now closer to the office, Natalie can clearly tell her brother is in distress, so she doesn't give him the courtesy of waiting like Syd. As they enter, she can hear Carmy speak.
“I thought he was there.”
Carmy is talking to someone, a hand clinging to his phone and the other one hiding his face. “What is going on, Bear?” Nat doesn't need to see through it to know he is crying, but she still asks.
Carmy doesn't answer. He can't speak, not when his sister kneels in front of him and holds his hand. “What is going on?” He sobs instead.
Natalie reaches for the phone. It reads ‘Luca’.
“Hello? Luca? It's Nat- uh, Sugar, Carmy's sister.”
“I know.” A sigh comes from the other side of the line. “Could you please put it on speaker? You can help us out on all of this.”
“Yeah, sure.”
Nat presses the button before letting Carmy and Syd know it's on speaker.
“Carm, please, I don't understand, he was there?” Luca's voice resonates through the tiny office. Nat watches her brother's hand shake, still hiding himself from her. Sydney is still at the door, a worried look as she watches Nat hold the phone and her brother's hand. “He went there?"
"No.” The answer comes out with a choke. Carmy's hand goes from his face to his hair as he says. "I thought he was here, I- I saw him here and he wasn't."
He doesn't look at Nat or Sydney, his gaze stays on the floor as his sister watches the tears fall down his face. He fidgets as he gathers the courage to voice out his thoughts, a loathing to his voice when he finally manages to speak.
"All these fucking years I have been trying to convince myself it's not my fault, but what if I wanted him here?” A dragging through his words as if he doesn't really want to face what he is about to say. “What if I saw him here because I wanted it?"
An appalled sigh comes from the phone, Luca's presence feeling so real, that Nat can almost imagine him standing here with them. She wonders if that's what goes through Carmy's head when he starts staring somewhere behind Nat, eyes glazed but still weeping.
"That's not true, Chef, you know it. None of what that asshole did to you it's your fault… Damnit, I doubt you would ever want him there or anywhere within your reach, I know that I don't, I would only thump his bloody face off.”
Carmy shakes his head, hands meeting together over his knees. He sighs before taking a deep breath and Nat can't hold her concern anymore. She places her hand on his shoulder as she asks.
“Bear, who is he ? What did he do to you?”
She is met with silence. A deafening one. Carmy doesn't look at her, his tears don't stop, his shaking and his breathing get worse. He reaches for the phone just before he starts speaking.
"You know, Luca, she was- she was the first person I've been with since him… And now she is gone because he was right, I should be dead, I- I can't do anything right.”
An infinite dread washes over Natalie when her brother says that. She remembers Christmas night, begging Michael to listen to her. She can't lose another brother.
"Bear, don't say that.”
When Carmy looks at her, his eyes are somehow empty and yet full of anguish, of self-hatred. He stops crying as he says.
"She's gone, Sugar, I fucked it all up, she's gone because I'm no fucking good.”
Syd interveins, maybe because she sees the tear rolling down Nat's cheek. She approaches the two siblings, crouching down just as Nat is in front of Carmy. Syd places her hand on the armrest of the chair, Carmy looks only at her for the first time since the walk in. He feels even more shame when he does so.
"Who's gone, Chef?"
"Claire…” It doesn't feel right talking about her with Syd and yet, all he finds is compassion in her eyes. He doesn't deserve Syd, but she deserves an explanation. “I- I was talking to Tina, or at least I thought I was, and I had been in that fucking walk in for ages, and I realized that I am no good… He was right.”
Carmy pretends he doesn't see his sister crying, her tears glistening despite her avoidance of his gaze. He pretends he doesn't still feel cold, like he would feel in New York, how he felt that night walking back from his apartment. Carmy pretends he doesn't feel a crippling shame when he keeps talking.
“I let you all down again and I should be dead, because, for one moment, I thought I deserved something good, that I could have something good for myself, but I fucked it up when I should have known. I let myself have Claire because I am a selfish piece of shit and I thought I could have her and be good at this, at this restaurant with you guys, but I am not and it would all have gone to shit now if it weren't for you all. And Claire heard.” Carmy can't hold in a sob, his tears resuming falling down his cheeks. “She heard it all, and she had voicemailed me earlier saying that she loved me, and I love her, I do, but I am no good."
Syd takes his hands between hers, making him look at her while she speaks.
"Chef, that's not true, look at what we've done tonight.”
Nat can't help but notice the way Carmy's fingers caress Syd's hands, how he brings their hands to his chest, making circles with his closed hand around hers. "What you have done, Chef.” She looks at Syd and sees how she becomes teary-eyed as Carmy speaks. “I just couldn't call about a fucking door to be fixed."
Sydney sighs as she brings their hands to her forehead. “I forgive you, Carm. I know you'll be here now.”
With that, Carmy can't hold it anymore. He cries with no holding back as Sydney brings him into a hug. Nat can hear him still mumbling apologies onto Syd's neck, so she places her hand on his back, moving it in circles in an attempt to comfort him.
They stay like this for a few minutes, Carmy's cries subsiding as he tightens his hold around Sydney. Luca, on the other side of the line, clears his throat before saying.
“Carm? Can you take it out of speaker, please?”
Carmy lets go of Syd as Sugar hands out the phone to him after pressing the speaker button. She holds his free hand as Syd places hers on his knee. He doesn't deserve their support, not really. Luca's voice rings through the phone.
“I think you should tell them, Carm.”
Luca is met with adamant disagreement, which only furthers the worry from Natalie and Sydney. Carmy sits back on the chair, setting distance between him and the two women.
“I- I can't… I- I don't know, Luca.”
Carmy is surprised to hear the emotion in Luca's voice when he speaks next.
“I don't want you to be alone with this, not after tonight.”
Carmy seems to ponder whether he should tell or not. He can hear his heartbeat accelerating in his ear, remembering how it felt on that night. However, he also remembers when Luca told him he was moving to Copenhagen, how his roommate cried and begged him to do something about him , how he told Carm he couldn't take this silence anymore, knowing his friend was suffering and couldn't do anything about it because Carm had made him promise he wouldn't tell.
“Okay, uh, I’ll, hum, think about it, Luca.”
He looks at Sug and then back at Sydney, both of them looking at him in anticipation. Carmy isn't sure he actually hears sniffing from the other side of the line, but he can recognize when his friend's voice is emotionally charged.
“Either way, I will give you privacy. I'm sorry, but it's very late here and you are in good hands now. Please, Carm, let me know how you are doing tomorrow.”
Carmy just nods before realizing Luca wouldn't see it, so he lets him know he will. He lets out a deep breath as he hangs up the phone. Carmy looks at Sugar and then at Sydney before he starts talking.
“Back in Empire, I was working… I was working under this chef.” He looks up to the ceiling, trying to push down the memories of New York just enough for him to not become a crying mess again. “He was a perfectionist and, fuck, you could say he had a sharp tongue… He really didn't hold back his words.”
He focuses on the women in front of him, he focuses on not paying attention to his overwhelming presence standing behind Carmy as he worked, as he drank scotch like it was water, as he tried to sleep, as he tried to breathe or as he just tried to stop panicking. He focuses on finishing the story.
“At first, it was just words. Hum, at any given moment, he would tell me I wasn't good enough, that I was a screw-up and didn't deserve to work there. It-it escalated with the years.”
He can see Syd shake her head in disappointment, for a second he wonders if it's him she is disappointed at. She stands up and paces the tiny office. He knows it will only get worse now. Carmy stops looking at her at what comes next.
"He used to say that I should be dead… And sometimes, I would wish I was."
At that, Sug lets out a sob as she turns her face away from him. Carmy has to explain this, he can't let her like this, covering her mouth as she cries for him.
"I would have done anything to please him, Sug, anything to get his approval, and he knew that. One night, he asked me to stay after service, said there was something important to discuss. He opened a wine bottle and well, I didn't realize that I was the only one drinking it... I wasn't passing out drunk, but I definitely wasn't sober either, so when he asked me to go with him to his apartment, I said... I said yes, Chef . His wife wasn't home. It was just him and me, and he opened another bottle. When I came to mind, I was already on his bed."
He focuses on Sugar, not because he can't see Syd also has tears in his eyes, but because his sister was the one to know that Carmy, the one who will be blaming herself for the foreseeable future because she didn't notice it. He grasps her hand, looking at her through teary eyes until she looks back at him. He brings his closed fist to his heart, circling in an I'm sorry .
"And it isn't like I could tell you, because I never could. And I'm so sorry, Sugar. I never told anyone I knew and I needed to call Luca on the other side of the fucking world because I couldn't tell anyone, because he had to pry it from me because he saw it, because he knew."
Carmy shakes his head in shame. He can feel tears running down his cheeks once again as he exclaims.
"And it took my brother fucking dying for me to leave him. Who the fuck does that? Who stays through that kind of shit show?”
Sugar shakes her head as she looks at him. Her heart aches for Carmy, for Mikey. How could she have not known?
“It wasn't your fault, Bear, doesn't matter what he told you.”
He gets up, hands going through his face and his hair. How could it not be his fault? He went there willingly, if Carmy wasn't so fucking naive he would have known his intentions. He helps Sugar get up as he says.
“I-I need to go home.”
Sugar shakes her head before she speaks, holding her belly as she takes a deep breath, almost as if she is preparing herself for an argument.
“You shouldn't be alone right now.”
Carmy is already heading towards the door, standing beside Syd when he looks towards his sister before reassuring her.
“I will be fine, Sug.”
Nat scratches her head, still disputing her brother's stance.
“Bear, please, maybe you should come stay with me and Pete for the night.”
Carmy chuckles at that. It's not like he is going to put a bullet to his head on the way home, what he told them shouldn't change that. He makes sure to sound persistent as he speaks, he ain't gonna change his mind.
“I want to go to my apartment.”
“I'll go with you.”
Syd is looking at him when she says that, his arm brushing against hers when he turns to her.
“You don't need to, Syd.”
She passes her hand through her bandana, eyes cast low as if she can't let Carmy see the redness in them anymore. He can tell she feels nervous too.
“Hum, I would feel better about it if I did, and, uh, I'm sure Nat would as well, if you don't mind it, of course.”
“I don't.” He knows this is a battle he can't win, so as he makes his way back towards Sug, he tells Syd. “You can come.”
Carmy hugs his sister, Sugar holds him tighter. Once they close the restaurant, he and Syd walk Natalie to her car. Sugar stops beside the passenger side, her bag on the seat as she shuts the door and looks at Carmy before speaking.
“I'm proud of you for telling me this, Bear.”
He is pretty sure she isn't actually proud of him telling her his boss used to fuck him, but he won't contest her. Once Sugar starts the car, he and Syd make their way to the metro station. As they walk through the cold streets, he actually feels grateful for his earlier decision to not take his car to work that day, exhaustion wearing him down with each new step, his hands still shaking from the past night.
As they wait on the platform, Sydney bites her lips before speaking.
“Uh, I kinda need to come over to my house, just to get some change of clothes for tomorrow.”
She gets an answer almost instantly. She can tell Carm hasn't thought it through when he says.
“If you want you can just borrow something of mine, I've got some of The Beef shirts still.”
The wind of the passing train blows her braids towards his shoulders. Carmy pretends he can't feel them. Sydney pretends she can't see his reaction.
“Oh, okay, uh, cool.”
There are only two seats available once they board their carriage. Sydney sits facing him throughout the stations to his home. He looks back at her, an occasional deviation of his gaze, not because the stare got too intense or anything like that, but when someone brushes against him or when the speaker sound resonates through the carriage.
Carmy doesn't need to let her know when they are getting off, she remembers it. They stand side by side, arms brushing, waiting for the automatic door to open.
They are silent throughout the way home. Once they get to his apartment, Carmy places his hand on her waist as she passes through him in the doorway.
His place is still organized as it ever was, an occasional cigarette butt where it shouldn't be. Sydney pretends she doesn't notice the blanket and the pillow already on the couch, even though they have just got here. Carmy is the first one to say anything.
“So, don't worry, I can take the couch.”
It's not as if he doesn't already sleep there most nights when he is alone. Sydney shakes her head adamantly.
“Nah, man, it's your place, I can sleep here.”
Now, his mother might not have been the best, but he was raised to be a gentleman. There is no way Sydney is going to be sleeping on the couch, that doesn't mean he doesn't know how stubborn she is though. So he proposes a compromise.
“If you don't mind, the bed is big enough for the two of us.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I wouldn't mind it if you don't.”
They don't go to sleep straight away.
Once they get to his room, Carmy goes through his drawers, handing Sydney something to wear after she showers. He gives Syd her privacy, going back to the living room once she enters the bathroom. If a few more tears come when his breath falters it's between him and this silent room.
Carmy tells her to get comfortable, that he will just shower before they can go to sleep. When she gets under the blanket, Syd doesn't know she is wearing his favourite t-shirt. He pretends that seeing her in his clothes does nothing to him.
His shower is relatively quick, as quick as it can be when you're trying to scrub away memories of your past from your skin.
When he gets back to the room, Syd is going through her social media, an occasional laugh caused by the videos she is watching. They sit with their backs to the wall. Once in a while, she shows him some recipe she finds an element to be interesting or a funny video that reminds her of their team.
For some time, they stay silent. That's until Carmy brings it up, fidgeting over his lap while he avoids looking at her.
“I didn't tell you everything, I couldn't say this in front of her.”
Carmy could let this go without telling her, but he wants a fresh start. She already knows most of it, so it doesn't really matter if he tells her the rest. He can tell he has Sydney's full attention, her phone now on the nightstand. He can feel her looking at him. It really doesn't feel bad.
“After it happened the first time, I bought a bottle of scotch on the way home. Got myself even more drunk than he had left me. When I got home, I had a panic attack and I- I took Valium to make it stop. And it wouldn't… not quick enough, so I took more.” Sydney tries not to get caught up on the first time . She tries not to get caught up on the idea that maybe the two of them would never meet, that she would have had to live a life without Carm. “Luca found me in the bathroom and took me to the hospital, that's when I told him.”
Syd reaches for his hands. Carmy looks at her and despite it being the first time he has ever said any of this out loud to someone, he doesn't feel scared or ashamed.
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“‘Cause it's not fair!” He doesn't mean to raise his voice, but he can see she knows that. Still, the next thing he says is almost a whisper, afraid that someone else might hear it. “It's not fair that I have to live with this and he gets to keep going, to keep his fucking restaurant and his prestige.”
Syd nods, caressing his hands with a gentleness he hasn't ever been afforded. “It isn't, Carm.” She gives it a pause, Carmy can't stop looking at her. “You said you went to the hospital, right?”
He doesn't remember actually going to the hospital, he just remembers waking up and Luca beside his bed, asking Carmy questions he didn't really want to answer but he had to because apparently he had said something to one of the nurses while he was out. He remembers the next hours in the hospital so he answers Syd.
“Yeah.”
Syd reconsiders her next question, wondering if she will be crossing a line, so she lets him decide instead.
“You can tell me to fuck off if I cross a line.”
Carmy smiles at that, a time he hadn't fucked up yet coming back to his mind. Just him and Syd testing recipes in his apartment, no walk-ins or failures, no HR nightmares from the past.
“You know I wouldn't really do that.”
Syd briefly sucks in before asking him, holding his hands a little tighter in an attempt to comfort.
“Did you get the exam done? That one when people are assaulted.”
Carmy lets out a sharp breath, he nods.
“Luca asked me to do it. I even had to talk to some detectives, I, hum, but I said I didn't want to come forward.”
He remembers a kind nurse, a small doctor that led him into this private room. He remembers tearing up when an Italian and a blonde detective came to ask him questions, some special unit he had never heard of before. Carmy remembers being adamant about not pressing charges, even when those detectives came to follow up. Syd doesn't know all of that, he doubts he will ever tell her, so she asks.
“You still can though, right? I don't think there is like a time limit to this kind of thing.”
He looks back at her. How can he tell her he can't risk that? He can't risk her dream over this, he is not that selfish.
“I don't know, maybe, but I- I can't do that, Syd, it would ruin our opening.”
“It doesn't matter, Carm.” Syd looks serious as she answers. She doesn't seem to need to take any time to think about this, she doesn't think she needs to. “If you want to go after him, we'll back you up.”
He stays silent after that. Carmy looks at their hands, still together over the almost negative space between him and Syd. He doesn't know what he did to deserve her and his voice is welled up when he says.
“I'm glad you came over, Syd.”
She smiles back at him.
“Don't worry about it, Carm.”
If when they wake up in the morning, Syd is lying in his chest and he has just had the best sleep of his life, it stays between the two of them.