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Chapter Text

Jyn walks into her shared quarters with a sigh of relief, already tugging up the hem of her damp shirt. She yanks it off over her head while the door shuts, blindly tosses it in the direction of the fresher.

"Now that's a lovely sight." Melshi grins up at her as she bends an arm behind her head to stretch. He puts his sketchpad down beside him on the bed–Cassian's face is on the screen; his sad, somber eyes–then turns to put his feet on the floor. "Come here, you." He reaches for her, grin widening.

"I'm all sweaty." Her protest is meaningless and he knows it. She’s already planting a knee on either side of his hips to straddle him, wrapping her arms around his back.

He holds her waist in his big, warm hands and his next grin almost touches her lips before they're kissing.

She sighs, lets herself sink into it for a while, lose some of her tiredness and ever-present tension in the soft, welcome heat of his mouth. But she really is sweaty and she came here for a shower and both her men, and currently one of them is missing. So she pulls away, drops a last peck in apology on Melshi's nose and stands. She heroically ignores his unhappy noise and tooka-eyes. "Later,” she promises, “after I'm not sticky and gross."

"You're not gross."

"I smell like a bantha."

"I like banthas."

“You’re ridiculous.”

Melshi grins again. “You’re the one who kissed me.”

Jyn huffs and rolls her eyes, but she's smiling too much to sell it. "Where's Cassian?" She glances at the desk, where Melshi's holoprojector has been neatly disassembled into a series of trays, another tray full of Cassian's smallest-scale tools in front. She still can't understand how Cassian has the patience for it. She and Melshi just put things down wherever their hands are when they stop needing them. It drives Cassian insane.

"Went to the machine shop to tool a part," Melshi says, then blinks and looks at his chrono. "Whoops. Didn't know it got that late." He stands as well, frowning. "He should've been back by now."

Jyn's heart slams into her throat so fast she nearly chokes on it. She grabs the front of Melshi’s shirt, fists the cloth in reflex like one of them will fall if she doesn’t. Snatches her comm from her pocket, almost fumbles it out of her hand before she gets it turned on.

Melshi puts his hand on her shoulder; a warm, grounding weight. "He's fine, love. He's going to come back like always."

She nods, swallows. Melshi's right. She knows he's right. It's been nearly two months since the Force-damned Morlana One mission and Cassian's getting better. He is. It's just…

It's just, they all have their monsters. This one's hers.

She's getting better too, but she can’t quite make herself let go of Melshi’s shirt. And the comm's sizzling gently and using it won't hurt anyone.

Jyn raises it to her mouth to speak. "Cassian?"

There's an immediate noise that can only be him pulling his own out of his belt. She exhales unashamedly in relief before he responds. Melshi squeezes her shoulder again.

"I'm here." His voice is clipped. He's angry.

She and Melshi share a look. She arches her eyebrows in question. He shrugs. "What's your ETA, sweetheart?" she asks instead of what's wrong. He won't want to tell them where other people can hear.

"Less than a minute. Just got off the lift. Cassian out." The commline clicks back into static.

She shuts it off and pockets it, lets go of Melshi’s shirt. Smooths it down over his chest on reflex. "What the kark happened in the machine shop?"

Melshi shrugs again, shakes his head in mute incomprehension. "He was smiling when he left."

"If it was Draven I really am going to kill him this time. I'm not even kidding."

The door slides open before Melshi can answer. Cassian stalks in, sees the two of them and he relaxes. He murmurs something she's almost sure is thanking the Mother Forest in Kenar before aiming himself at Melshi. The instant he reaches him, Cassian glides his hands to the back of Melshi's neck and kisses him like he hasn’t seen him in weeks.

He's as focused and meticulous as always, and it's wonderful Cassian feels up to that kind of intimacy at all. But there's a desperation there, like part of him is sure this is it; he’ll never be able to kiss Melshi again. Jyn's felt it herself the few times Cassian's kissed her lately. She feels it now just watching them.

She gets it: Cassian's lost everything three times over now, just like her. Of course he's afraid he'll lose her and Melshi too.

Melshi still can't sleep some nights because he's so worried they'll stop breathing. Sometimes she can't bear to let either of them leave.

Their monsters come in different shapes, but ultimately they’re the same.

They’re getting better. And Cassian's smiling a little when he nips Melshi's bottom lip and pulls back. And then Cassian’s smile widens a little more when she pulls his head down to kiss him too. But she can still taste the desperation in it, like a residue on his tongue.

I'm here, she thinks. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm not leaving. She hopes he can somehow feel it.

"Alright," Melshi says when she and Cassian pull apart. He's standing with his feet spread and arms crossed, his expression equal parts empathetic and don't-kriff-with-me. "Out with it, oysha. Who are we murdering?"

"And I'm calling dibs if it's Draven," Jyn adds immediately.

Cassian huffs a tired laugh, then scrubs his face. "It's Luke."

"Luke?" She exchanges another look with Melshi. They're both well aware Luke's guileless enthusiasm occasionally tries Cassian's patience, but Cassian likes him. He likes him a lot, and has a remarkable amount of forgiveness for him too. Cassian was exasperated, not furious, when Luke hollered “HEY, KASSA!” across the entire mess hall, even though half the fleet now thinks it’s Cassian’s nickname.

She can't imagine what Luke might have done to make Cassian angry at all, let alone fighting rage like this. "What the kriff did he do?"

Melshi's eyes widen. "Wait. Is he still going on about you having the Force?"

Cassian nods. "Yes." He draws the word out on a deep, weary sigh. "He cornered me in the machine shop with an entire speech about how I should let Chirrut sense my connection to the Force again."

"Why?" Melshi asks, frowning, right as Jyn says, "What the hell for?"

"I don't know!" Cassian bursts out. "I don't have a kriffing clue, all right? He's just–" He cuts himself off with a helpless growl, presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. He breathes through his clenched teeth, in and out. Yanks his hands down to his hips then angles his gaze to the floor. "I don't know," he says again. "I think it’s, he doesn't want to be the last of his kind. I understand that. Chirrut doesn't consider himself a Jedi. Leia doesn't have the time to learn. And if there are other Force-sensitives out there who haven't been hunted down, I've never heard of them."

Melshi puts his arm across Cassian's shoulders. "But he won't leave you the kark alone."

Cassian leans into the embrace. "But he won't leave me the kark alone."

Jyn takes Cassian's nearer hand, threads their fingers. "I don't get it, though. Wasn't Chirrut's big conclusion after holding your head for five minutes that you're just…strange?"

"Really don't remember Chirrut saying Cass was 'strange in the Force,' Jyn," Melshi says.

"Well, he said something was off about it!"

Cassian gives her hand a soft squeeze. "He said there was a connection, but it was odd because it felt finite and infinite at the same time. Like a single thread joining billions."

She's certain Cassian quoted that verbatim. "Well, at least that's not even remotely cryptic."

Melshi snorts, jostles Cassian gently. "Definitely cryptic enough to keep Luke bounding along after you like a Tatooine-coyote kit."

Cassian shakes his head. “It's more like I'm being hunted down by a Loth-wolf." He steps away from Melshi, lets go of her hand. He shifts like he'd be pacing if their quarters had the space for it. "I know he doesn't… He's not trying to piss me off. But, I keep telling him 'no,' and he won't stop.” He grits his teeth. “He just won't kriffing stop. And I hate it,” he snarls, “I hate it. Why the kark can't he just leave me alone?" His hands are clenched, knuckles white.

Melshi glances from Cassian's gritted teeth to Jyn and back. "This really upset you," he says to him.

“Yeah, no shit,” Cassian snaps. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. Exhales. He relaxes his hands with deliberate effort, rubs the space between his eyes. "I shouldn't be upset like this. He's just a kid. He's just a stupid, lonely kid.”

"He's twenty,” Melshi says. “That's old enough to know when to back off."

Jyn nods. “I’m with Melshi. Don’t get me wrong. I like him too. But if his pushing you has got you this angry, that’s on him.”

Cassian shakes his head. “It’s me. I can't… I have no patience anymore." He swallows. "It took me so long to get back because I almost hit him." He looks at them both: Melshi's carefully neutral expression; the shock Jyn's too slow to wrench off her face. Cassian's jaw twitches. "Yeah. I know,” he says bitterly. “Luke’s my friend. He saved my life twice. And I almost took him out because he wants me to be a Jedi."

"But you didn't," Jyn says.

Cassian shrugs like that's not the important part. "I wanted to. I had to walk around this karking ship for an hour just to calm the hell down." He smirks. It's wet and thin. "Didn't even make the part I wanted." He swallows again, grimaces, swipes at his eyes. "And now I'm crying, for kriff's sake." He shakes his head, mouth set in a thin, ugly line. "I hate this! I can't handle anything anymore. I feel like I'm coming apart."

"Like a faulty detonator?" Melshi nods when Cassian snaps his gaze to him. "That's how I felt after Narkina Five. Or, some days it was like all I had was nerves instead of skin. The least little thing, and I'd be biting someone's head off." His smile is full of rueful empathy. "Or trying to keep from bawling."

"I think you're just tapped out, Kassa," Jyn says. He blinks at her like she startled him. She rubs his arm. "It's like, all your fuel's going to thrusters and life support, getting you out of that black hole. And here's Luke wanting you to do loops and barrel rolls." She drags her hand lower, snags his again. "If I had a passenger like that, I'd want to punch them too."

Cassian manages a thin twitch of a smile, then shakes his head. "It's not the same, though. He doesn't know I'm…I'm on life support. He's not doing anything on purpose."

"He's gnawing at you about something you're clearly not interested in. Seems kind of purposeful to me," Melshi tells him.

Cassian shrugs.

"Maybe you should tell him you're on life support?" Jyn asks. Cassian's eyes go wide. She rethreads their fingers, gently squeezes. "I mean, he doesn't know how much this is costing you, does he? He was probably shocked as hell when he realized how angry you were."

"I don't think he noticed. I just walked out," Cassian says darkly.

"All the more reason to tell him, then," Melshi says. "He's naive, but he's not dense. At the least he'll be wondering why you're avoiding him."

Cassian grimaces again, but nods. He exhales, puts his free hand on the back of his neck. "Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll stop with the Jedi banthashit when Bodhi and Leia get back from their aid mission."

It's not an aid mission. She and Melshi aren't supposed to know it's not an aid mission. They do—of course they do; it's Bodhi—but the fake label is for plausible deniability. And to make sure Luke doesn't find out it's not an aid mission. Because it involves his boyfriend and his sister and Luke's shit at keeping secrets.

"Bodhi's good at occupying him," Melshi agrees with a dry chuckle. He wraps his hand around Cassian's arm, carefully tugs him in. "And maybe Chirrut–"

Cassian grunts in pain, eyes huge like the wind just got knocked out of him. And then he drops like a brick.

Jyn cries out, tries to stop his fall. She's still holding his hand. He tightened his grip reflexively but the angle's wrong. She's pulled off balance, crashes to her knees with him. She manages to catch herself so she doesn't crash into Cassian too.

Melshi has Cassian's arm in his right hand. He smacks his left against Cassian's chest so he doesn't topple onto his face. "Kassa, what happened? Are you all right?"

"Cassian! What's wrong? What's happening?"

He can't answer. Cassian's eyes are wild, no blood in his face. He wheezes, chest heaving like he's fighting to breathe. Like he can't.

Jyn pushes herself closer to him, holding him as best she can when he won't let go of her hand. She looks up at Melshi, desperate. "Is he choking?"

Melshi can't answer her either. He's frozen in terror, eyes liquid. Fixed on Cassian struggling for air.

No, no, no, no. She'll lose them both. "Melshi!" Jyn snaps, grappling her own terror. Melshi tears his gaze from Cassian to her. His face is white. "Melshi. Cassian needs you."

Melshi blinks rapidly, jerks a nod. "I'm here. I'm with you."

She nods back, acknowledging. "Call the medbay. Tell them Cassian can't breathe."

"No," Cassian wheezes. He shakes his head, lifts it with clear effort. "Nuh…" He closes his eyes, shudders through a roil of pain.

"Shh. Don't talk." Jyn pushes his hair back from his forehead. It's wet at the roots with cold sweat.

Cassian grits his teeth, panting. Every breath sounds like agony. "Luke," he manages, coughs. Jyn expects blood on his lips, blood on her clothing. Like Scarif. But there's nothing.

"Don't talk!" Melshi says. "Just tap or blink. Do you want me to call Luke?"

Cassian shakes his head again. "Not me." He pants, coughs, shudders. "Luke." Gasps. "Ehh…Ex…"

Melshi's face goes slack with realization the same moment she gets it. "X-wing hanger," she tells him, clipped with fear. It's well into the dinner hour; the hangar will be almost empty. Luke might be alone and he can't breathe. "Go. Go!" Then, "I got him. It's okay. Luke's in trouble," when Melshi hesitates, his anguished gaze fixed on Cassian.

Leaving her and Cassian is like tearing parts off his soul; she can see it. But Melshi just nods, shoves his comm back into his pocket, holds Cassian upright long enough for Jyn to take his weight. Cassian curls into her, clutching at her arm. She wishes she still had her shirt, something for him to grasp.

"I'll call medbay on the way." Melshi kisses Cassian's damp temple. "Hold on, sweetheart." He stands, stamps on his boots and bolts out the door.

Cassian sags like deadweight the second Melshi's gone. Jyn bends her leg, braces her foot on the floor. Cassian coughs again, moans breathlessly. His skin is wet and cold. "Help," he gasps. Lets go of her hand to scrabble helplessly at her arm, her back. "Hurts. Can't." He coughs, hauls in air. "Can't bree…"

She's going to lose him. Don't leave me. Please don't leave. She swallows it, shoves it away. "Cassian. Cassian, listen to me. This isn't you. It's Luke. It's some kind of Force thing where you're feeling his pain." (And what's happening to Luke? She can't think about it. She can't help him. Melshi will. She makes herself believe it.) "You can breathe. You're all right. You're in our quarters. You're not injured, Cassian! You can breathe!"

Cassian wheezes, chokes. He shakes his head, tries to push away from her. He's panicking. Luke's panicking. The air howls in and out of his lungs. She grabs him before he goes sprawling, makes tight fists in his shirt. "Kassa! Kassa, this is Luke! It's Luke, not you!" She takes his face in her hands, aims his head so she's meeting his eyes. It’s like Scarif. (It’s not. It’s not.) "Kassa! Look at me. Look at me, Kassa. Tell me where you are."

His pupils are dilated with shock. His gaze flicks wildly but he's not seeing anything. "Hangar," he wheezes. "Ca…" His eyes go distant. Fading. His lips are turning blue.

She's losing him."Kassa! You are Kassa! Not Luke!" she barks in Kenar. He hasn't had time to teach her or Melshi much. The pronunciation's probably wrong. But he blinks, refocuses. She can't remember the verb for "breathe." "Kassa has air." She thinks that's right; hopes to hell he'll understand. She puts her hand on his body right below his ribs. "Kassa moves hand." She sounds like a toddler. It's fine, It's fine. "Do this." She inhales, slow and deep, exhales. Does it again. "Do this, Kassa!" because he's still wild-eyed and gasping.

He chokes, coughs like there should be blood. There's nothing. There's nothing. He's not dying; that's Luke. She can't think about Luke. Cassian inhales, reedy and thin. Barely moves her hand. His exhale shakes, he whines in pain. But his next breath is a little deeper, and then the next one after that.

"That's it. That's right. You can breathe, Kassa. You're breathing." She's babbling. She strokes his cheeks with her thumbs, swipes through tears and sweat. He's cold. "Do you know where you are?"

"Hangar," he wheezes. Squeezes his eyes shut. "No. I…I don't…"

She yanks him to her, wraps an arm around his back, cups his head. He shudders against her. His breath is wet and desperate over her collarbones, his lungs fighting nothing. “You’re in our quarters, Kassa. I’m here with you. Stay with me. Stay here, Kassa. Please.”

Jyn's comm snaps alive in her pocket. She yells in surprise, manages to snag it with her left hand without losing her grip on Cassian. He's still dead weight. Like Scarif. If she panics now she'll lose him. Him and Melshi and Luke. "You're in our quarters, Kassa. You can breathe. You're all right." She can't tell if he understands. Melshi's waiting for her. "Melshi's on the comm. He's with Luke."

Cassian drags in air, coughs. No blood. No blood. Jyn clings to that.

"What's happening?" she asks Melshi and her voice doesn't shake.

"Luke tried to lift his X-wing to fix a damaged strut," Melshi says. There's a lot of noise nearby: loud voices and moving machines. "The kriffing thing fell on him."

Jyn gasps, can't help it. Luke shouldn't be alive.

"The nosecone got his right arm and the right side of his chest. He's damn lucky it missed his head." Melshi sounds angry. She knows he's afraid. "The medics arrived just about when I did. They've got him on oxygen and pain meds, for what that's worth. We're trying to get the anti-grav lift over there, to get it off him. But it's not working right. Which is why the dumbass tried to use the Force instead. Han and Chewie are coming, and we got people working on it. But. Ah." His pause sounds like the end of the world. "The medics gave him a med-stick, Jyn. They're trying to get ahold of Bodhi and Leia."

Jyn's heart drops like a chunk of ice. "Oh, no. No, they can't! He's–"

Luke's what? Too young? Too skilled? A Jedi? A kriffing X-wing fell on him. Death doesn't care.

"Jyn." Cassian wheezes, chokes. Coughs. No blood. She keeps expecting it. He paws at her. "Jyn."

"Is that Cassian? What's he saying?"

Jyn shushes Melshi, drops the comm to hold onto Cassian. Her heart is aching cold with fear. "I'm here. You're in our quarters. You can breathe. I'm right here."

She doesn't know if he can hear her. "Ligh." He wheezes. "Li…sab…"

"Cassian?"

"He's all right," Jyn says to Melshi, lying through her teeth. If Luke dies (Force, no. Not him. Not Bodhi's light. Not their sweet, awkward friend. Not the Rebellion's best hope) she doesn't know what will happen to Cassian. She can't lose him because of Luke. Not Luke and then Cassian and then Melshi. "Can you use Luke's lightsaber?"

"No," Melshi responds with awful immediacy. "Luke keeps telling us to get it. But, none of us have the skill to use it without slicing him in half. Or dropping the rest of the kriffing X-wing on his head. If Chirrut were here..."

He and Baze are on Jedha. They'll be back in three or four days. Far too late. "Kark." Jyn swallows, pets Cassian's hair. "And the lift?"

Melshi's silence is long enough to say everything. "They're still fixing it. Han and Chewie are here. I need to talk to them. I'll keep the comm on. In case…" He hesitates.

"I know," she says quickly. "We'll be here. I love you."

"You too. Both of you." There's a rasp when he shoves his comm into his pocket, the barely-muted sounds of people trying to keep someone alive.

No. They're prolonging someone's death. They don't think Luke will live.

Grief is patient. It'll wait. Cassian's not dying. Luke's still alive. "Kassa, are you with me?" His hand twitches on her arm. "Good. That's great. Stay with me, Kassa. You need…" She stops. Her throat aches. "You need to stay with me here, Kassa. Luke's… I don't…I don't know if you could hear what Melshi said. But, whatever happens, you stay here with me. I know it hurts. I know it feels like you can't breathe. But it's not you. It's not happening to you. You can't–" She stops again. Breathes. Breathes. She won't panic. Grief can wait. "You have to remember you're Kassa. Cassian Andor. Not Luke. You're not in the hangar. You're not…" She doesn't sob. "You're not dying, Cassian. You're here. You can breathe."

His breath shudders in, out. "Luke," he says.

"No! No, Cassian! You're not–!"

"Luke," he says again. He's not listening. "I…know." Drags in a breath. "Gi…it."

She stares, dumbfounded. "Cassian, are you talking to Luke? Can Luke hear you?"

He doesn't answer, paws at her arm. She takes his wrist, wraps his left arm around her waist for him. His right is already at her back, gripping her waistband. He shudders in air, exhales through his teeth. Groans in effort. Coughs. "M'fine. M'fine."

He is so very much not fine. "Kassa, what's happening?"

He shakes his head, rocking his cheek on her shoulder. Jyn has no idea who he's answering. "Luke. Do it." He drags in air, coughs. Take…take it. Mine." He pants, shudders. It's not like Scarif. He's not dying. He can't be. He can't. "Take mine. Yes. You…wan…live?" Heaves air. "Good. So. Do…it." One more terrible breath. "Try."

"Try what? Kassa!"

He groans again, shaking in exertion. His fingers dig into her back, vibrating over her spine.

Her comm's still on the floor. It crackles in a sudden burst of noise.

"What's he doing?" Melshi demands.

She thinks he means Cassian. But there's so much talking and shouting she can barely hear. She's about to answer anyway, tell him Cassian was talking to Luke; she doesn't know what he's doing now. But she hears Han first: "Luke! Luke, no! Stop it, you idiot! You'll kill your–Kriff! Move! Move! Get out of there! Chewie, grab him!"

"He's out! Luke's out!" Melshi hollers over the comm, voice full of incredulous hope. Just as Cassian screams, breathless and agonized, and goes completely limp in her arms.

He dreams he's six years old, wearing homespun and beads. It's hot here, sand to the horizon. The air's moist, syrupy thick, haze of sun through the canopy of leaves.

He's following the river. The water reflects the double sunset, the endless sky turning purple. It's late, he needs to go. Come along, Kassa. Luke, I'm shutting the power down! But the colors are beautiful. It's already cold, but he won't freeze if he stays outside a few more minutes.

There's a face in the trees; there's a figure coming over the dune. She's very small, covered in black and white fur. She looks curious and a little afraid. Just like him. The stranger has auburn hair and a beard. He seems sad, but kind. He's smiling.

I saw an Erduek! I was so little I didn't remember.

That was Ben! Why didn't they tell me?

Cassian whips around and he's on the Lars' homestead. The river cuts through it; thick green of trees towering overhead. Luke's dressed as a farmboy, tousled and sunburned. He's himself and maybe ten at the same time. "Cassian?" He smiles, friendly but confused. "You're so little! What're you doing here?" He looks around. "Wow. It's so green! Is this where you're from? What's an Er-doo-ek?"

"Don't look at her! She's sacred!" Cassian moves to block Luke's view though the Erduek is gone. "I don't know why I'm here. Why are you in my head?"

Luke blinks, looks around again. His eyes are a huge, anxious blue. "No. I mean, this is my head." The power goes out in the homestead behind him. The noise is startling and they both jump, turn to stare. Most of the buildings jut out from the wall of a pit. Without the lights it looks like a giant, black maw. "I should go home."

"Yeah." The forest is a dark unknown around them now, full of strange noises and glittering eyes. The river sounds angry.

The wind rises, whistling through the canyon. Sand stings their arms and faces. It's very cold. In the distance something howls, angry and inhuman.

"Tuskins!" Luke spins in a circle, searching wildly. Grabs Cassian's wrist. They're both so small. Helpless. This is a nightmare. Luke starts running, tugging Cassian along. "We gotta get inside!"

"Wait! Wait!" Luke's pulling him towards the pit. He doesn't want to go there. But he's younger than Luke, too little to make him stop. And Cassian's scared too. He can hear people coming through the trees: men shouting in a sharp, ugly language he can't understand.

"Gailkkossok!" He looks over his shoulder. He can't see anything but they're there, they're coming. They're going to kill everything. "We have to hide!"

"No! They know every centimeter of this place! They'll find us! We have to–" Luke jerks to a stop with a yelp, nearly pitches forward over the black pit edge. He windmills, bending backwards. Cassian grabs his wrist, heaves Luke back with his whole body weight. They both tumble to the ground.

They scramble to their feet, peer over the edge. "The stairs are gone. We can't get down." Luke looks at Cassian, frantic. "We can't get down! We're trapped up here!"

It's the pit mine, and the gailkkossok will be there any second with their gray suits and blasters, gaffi sticks and terrifying wrapped faces. He and Luke will be captured, tortured to death. Forced to work until they die from the toxic air and exhaustion.

Someone howls behind them. A blaster shot slices the dark. Cassian grabs Luke's arm in panic. Luke makes two desperate fists in his shirt. They're little children. They can't do anything.

This is Cassian's oldest nightmare: the gailkkossok hunt him to the edge of the pit. Sometimes they capture him. Sometimes he falls. He used to wake up screaming.

This is Luke's: the Tuskens are coming and Luke can't find the stairs to his home. Owen and Beru never come in time to save him. He used to wake everyone up screaming for help.

"What do we do?" Luke demands, breathy with fear. "What do we do? What do we do?"

Cassian grips his arm harder. His little heart is pounding in fear. Then he gasps in sudden hope, remembering. "Wake up! We can wake up!" He taught himself how to do it, to feel a nightmare starting and push himself out of sleep. "It's a dream! We can just wake up!"

Luke goes still. "But, I'm in the hangar," he says, hushed. "I think…I think I'm dying."

"What?" Cassian frowns. "No." He shakes his head. "No! You lifted the X-wing, remember? I was there. I know you did." He remembers Luke's shuddering triumph and the taste of blood in his mouth. "You're not dying! You can wake up!" He tries to shake him; he's too small. "Wake up!"

A blaster shot scorches the sand next to his feet. Cassian yells, jerks in shock. Gailkkossok and Tuskens pour out of the forest and canyon and it's too late. They're helpless little children. They're going to be taken. Cassian doesn't want to finish this nightmare. Especially not with Luke in his head. He knows what he's capable of imagining.

He doesn't scream himself awake anymore. But he always woke up when he fell.

"Kriff," he grits. It sounds awful in his little-child voice. Then he heaves himself over the edge of the pit, dragging Luke with him.

Chapter Text

Cassian opens his eyes and has no idea where he is.

It doesn't make sense. He should be… He was in his quarters. Jyn was there. He can hear her and Melshi. They want him to wake up. But, he is awake. He can hear them, and his eyes are open. He can see.

It's blue. Everything's blue. He's under water. The river? No. It's too warm. The color's wrong.

The lake. Is he drowning? No, Melshi held him up. Got him to shore. And he can see Han and Chewie. They wouldn't leave him to drown.

And he's breathing. He can breathe.

Maybe he's still dreaming. He's awake–he's almost sure he's awake–but he feels asleep. Body's not working right: lethargic and slow. Thoughts trickling like water through sand.

There's something on his face. He reaches for it, clumsy and fumbling. He slaps dry, bare skin, prickle of hair. It doesn't make sense. He's under water. Why isn't he wet? How is he breathing?

"Hey, are his eyes open? Should his eyes be open?" Was that Han? His voice is muffled through the water. Cassian can barely hear it.

"Cassian?" Jyn's voice. Warm grip on his hand, gentle tug pulling it away from his face.

"Kassa, love. Can you hear us?" That's Melshi. Cassian turns his head, following their voices.

Melshi. Jyn. He's so glad to see them. They're smiling, but he thinks there's something anxious in their eyes. It's hard to tell through the water, his languid, trickling comprehension. Jyn has his hand. Melshi cards his fingers through Cassian's hair. It's good. It feels safe, even if he doesn't know what's going on. But, their bodies are overlapping with Han and Chewie. Like ghosts.

Everything he's looking at is overlapping. Like he's in two places at the same time.

He blinks, slow, slow. Frowns. Tries to ask which place is real. He can't make his mouth form words, can't get enough air out his throat. That seems right: you can't speak underwater. Except he can breathe.

He must be dreaming. In a dream you can sink without drowning. And his face isn't wet, but everything is watery and slow and blue.

Falling on purpose didn't work. He's still asleep. He needs to wake up.

He tries. It's a fight. Like trying to push through water. It's so hard to think. He can only manage meaningless whispers when he tries asking for help, for someone to shake him.

"Kassa? Are you coming back to us, baby?" Jyn squeezes his hand, strokes his face. "That's it. That's it, sweetheart. Wake up."

Melshi tugs Cassian's hair in the soft, careful way he likes. "C'mon, oysha. You're almost there. You got the lights on. Just bring the ship home."

I'm trying. I'm trying. Help me. He can't say it.

Chewie crowds through Melshi, hovering over Cassian. Except he's looking at Cassian too. Cassian can see his face, his bright blue eyes. Chewie cocks his head, growls a question Cassian can barely hear.

"Yeah. I don't think he should be doing that either." Han again, though the water.

It's not working, he's not waking up. Cassian fights harder, heartbeat ratcheting with strain. All he has to do is follow Melshi's and Jyn's voices to the surface–they're right there–but he can't. He–

A sudden shock of pain in his shoulder; arm; chest. Cassian clutches his ribs, gasping. Rolls to his side, trying to curl around the pain.

Cassian? Are you there? Where am I? What's happening?

Luke? Fear closes on him like teeth in his throat. Luke. It's Luke's fear, Luke's pain. Cassian's been looking through his eyes this whole time. And now he can't breathe. Get out! Get out of my head! Leave me alone!

I don't–I'm underwater. I'm drowning! Help me, please!

"Kassa, what is it? What's wrong?" It's Melshi. Cassian can't speak to answer him.

"Force help him, it's Luke!" Jyn says.

"What?"

"It's Luke! They're still attached! Their minds!"

Cassian manages a nod. He thinks he nods. He can't speak to tell her she's right.

"Oh, kriff. Wait. Wait." Melshi puts his arms around Cassian and heaves him upright, holding him. "Does that help?"

A little bit. Not enough. It hurts. He clutches at Melshi's shirt, fumbles for Jyn's hand. He's terrified.

It's Luke's. He's churning the water, trying to swim. There's something around his shoulders and chest, holding him in place. He thrashes, kicks. His foot hits something. A barrier?

A wall. A curved transparisteel wall. The inside of a bacta tank.

Kriff. Kriff. Cassian woke Luke up and now he's panicking. Cassian squeezes his eyes shut, grips Jyn and Melshi. Breathes. Breathes. It hurts. He's terrified. Not his pain. Fear both his and Luke's. Luke. Luke, listen to me. You can breathe. You're in bacta. You're not drowning. Just stop. Stop moving. It's all right.

Han puts his hand on the tank, says something Cassian can't hear. Then he leans away, yelling. "Hey! We need help here! The kid's freaking out!"

Cassian clings to Jyn's hand, Melshi's shirt. His shoulder and arm are crushed glass; his lungs are burning. It hurts. Force, Forest, it hurts. If Luke keeps thrashing he'll reinjure himself, do more damage. Luke can't leave Cassian's head if he's panicked like this. Luke. Stop. You're in bacta. You're safe. You can breathe!

Jyn cups Cassian's face. "Kassa." He opens his eyes. It's hard to see Jyn's face through the churning water. "You're still in Luke's head. You need to let go of him, sweetheart. Can you do that? Can you let go of him? Get out?"

Cassian whines, shakes his head. He wants to. He can't. He doesn't know how. And Luke's terrified, struggling. He can't leave either. Help. Help me. It hurts. I'm drowning.

He's in danger. He needs help. Give me the pain.

Jolt of Luke's shock, then horror. I'm not doing that to you again!

Cassian grits his teeth. Jyn is speaking. Cassian can hear the urgency in her voice. He can't make out the words. Luke! Give it to me! I can take it!

No!

Luke!

Han says something else impossible to hear. There's a droid with him now, punching buttons on a console. A mechanical arm lifts a thick, silvery disk and then slaps it agains–

Cassian opens his eyes and he's looking up at a generic white ceiling. It's too high to be his quarters. There's a warm, slightly damp hand on his forehead.

"Ah, there you are. Welcome back, Kassa."

Cassian tries to turn his head to look around, but Chirrut presses his hand down more firmly. "Steady, Major. You'll undo all my hard work."

"What work? Where am I?" He shifts his eyes. Chirrut is on his left, wearing dusty travel clothes. On his right is a counter with built-in cupboards and a sink. He's in a private medbay room. Is this the Redemption? He doesn't see Melshi or Jyn.

"Your soul companions are well and eager to see you," Chirrut tells him with that eerie awareness of his. "I asked them to step outside because I need to concentrate and their concern was very loud. As is yours," he adds with what might be fondness. "Please relax so I can finish."

Cassian has no idea what's going on but he trusts Chirrut, so he does his best to let his muscles go slack, breathe as deeply as he can. It doesn't hurt. He doesn't know why he's expecting it to.

"And it is accomplished." Chirrut pulls his hand away. The warmth in his voice matches his smile when Cassian can finally look at him. Chirrut reaches down, pats along Cassian's wrist until he can grip his hand in both of his. He grins. "I expect it feels a bit emptier in there now, doesn't it? I made a barrier between you and Luke." He grimaces lightly. "Unfortunately, it won't last without frequent reinforcement. My padawan is far stronger in the Force than I am, and his mind has latched quite determinedly to yours. I'm afraid to say, even with my help it may be difficult for you to stay conscious."

"Stay conscious?" Cassian rockets upright. Something bounces against his chest, a familiar weight. Jyn's necklace. He wraps his free hand around it automatically, staring at Chirrut. "What are you talking about?" He's wearing a medical tunic, he realizes, feels the dry rasp of the loose pants under the blanket. And now there's the puckering itch of IV patches that were recently removed; the familiar full-body electric tingling from the anti-atrophy meds. He pulls away from Chirrut's grip to look at both his hands. They're exactly the same. He touches his face, feeling around his chin and neck. His beard's longer, unkempt. He can't tell how many days' worth. Someone might've shaved him anyway. He has terrible bedhead but his hair is clean.

"What happened to me?" He clutches at his shoulder, down his arm, his chest. He expects pain. There should be pain. "There was blood in my mouth. I couldn't breathe." He looks at Chirrut. "I was in the hangar. My X-wing…" He stops, blinking. Frowns. "I don't have an X-wing. Why would I–"

He cuts himself off with a sharp inhale, grabs Chirrut's arms before he remembers the man can't see him. "Luke! He's dying! His chest–"

"–is fine," Chirrut says, kind but firm. "He was terribly injured when he connected with you, but he is healing. He is scheduled to be removed from bacta in about a day's time. Baze is with him now to let Han and Chewbacca rest. Your soul companions are close by. Everyone is safe, Kassa. You don't need to fear for them."

Cassian trusts him. He exhales, lets go of Chirrut. He hits the button to tilt the head of the bed so he can lean against it. His guts are icy with leftover fear. He still expects pain when he breathes. "How long have I been out? Is this the Redemption?" He thought the hospital ship's medbay rooms were larger, but Home One doesn't have bacta tanks.

"This is Home One," Chirrut says. "And somewhat more than three days. Shh," he murmurs, finds and pats Cassian's shoulder at his spike of bewildered shock. "The Force is powerful. Luke is powerful in it. I'm certain he would be able to connect with you from the other side of the galaxy." His lips purse sadly. "Regretfully, he lacks the experience to avoid the unintended consequences of that power. Such as you sharing his current experiences, including the bacta immersion."

"I think I woke him up." Cassian scrubs his face. "Yeah. I did. I don't know when it was, but he couldn't've been in long. His injuries still hurt."

Chirrut nods like he already knew that. "The medics have been very careful about keeping him deeply unconscious since that incident."

For more than three days. Kriff. "So I was 'deeply unconscious' too?"

Chirrut nods. "An unfortunate side effect."

Cassian's unbroken chest flares bright and hot with a sudden and startlingly vicious anger. "'An unfortunate side effect? I'm unconscious for three days and that's all it is to you? He stole my body! He took over my life! And that's the only thing you can say? It's an 'unfortunate side effect'? Have you ever lost your autonomy? Have you?" He hasn't been this angry since Eadu. He's burning with it, shaking. It's not right. Nothing that happened is Chirrut's fault. Chirrut is always sanguine and serene like this. It's his religion. It's not personal. He's not trying to hurt Cassian anymore than Luke is.

Cassian's so angry because he has no emotional resilience. He's on thrusters and life-support. It's not his fault either. He still hates it.

"I walk the path dictated by the will of the Force," Chirrut says evenly. "But your meaning is far more literal."

"No shit," Cassian snarls, burning. "Maybe you wouldn't dismiss being forced into a coma as 'an unfortunate side effect' if you'd actually experienced it yourself."

"Perhaps I would not." Chirrut agrees so readily Cassian blinks. "I apologize, Major. It was not my intention to dismiss your experiences."

Cassian swallows. Nods in acknowledgment. It's the best he can do. He needs to calm down. He can't; he's too angry. He hates it. He takes a deep breath. Imagines it cooling his lungs, the furious beating of his heart. "I'd like to see Jyn and Melshi." His voice is tight.

"Of course." Chirrut feels for the commlink in its sheath on his belt. "I know this is difficult, Kassa." He ignores Cassian's scoff. "But all is as the Force wills it. I promise I will find out why this is happening. There will be answers to your questions. You just have to be patient."

"Right." Of course he has to be patient. What other choice does he have? When has he had a real choice about anything? "Just tell me Luke can get rid of this."

"All is as the Force wills it," Chirrut says again. He turns on his comm before Cassian can tell him he needs a better answer.

"Here."

Melshi tosses Cassian a bottle of nutrient water almost as soon as the fresher door slides open. Cassian just pulled on his shirt. He's still shaking his hair out of his eyes. The bottle hits him squarely in the chest. He grunts, manages to slap his hands over it before it drops to the floor.

Jyn snickers from her cross-legged perch in the desk chair. Cassian tamps down the sharp kernel of anger and hurt. There's nothing bad actually happening.

Melshi rushes over, expression like he hit Cassian with a brick. "Kriff, Cassian. I'm sorry. Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Really," he adds, because Melshi still looks worried. "You didn't throw it that hard."

"You sure?" Melshi runs his fingers over Cassian's ribs. Cassian twitches. "I didn't make it worse?"

Cassian frowns, quells the irritation. "Make what worse?"

"Your ribs," Melshi says, frowning back like Cassian's the one not making sense. "Bad breaks are always sore for a while, even after you get out of bacta."

"I know." Cassian makes sure to keep his voice even, tells himself to get a grip. Melshi's just concerned. "But I didn't have broken ribs. Luke did."

"And you think I wasn't aware of that?" Melshi snaps, expression darkening so suddenly Cassian bobs his head back in alarm. "Maybe I missed how your ribs were fine while you were fighting to breathe? Or when you were screaming in agony, maybe? Or when you went out so fast we thought you'd died?" Melshi's shouting now. His eyes are blazing, his fists clenched. They're shaking worse than Cassian's seen in weeks. "I ran back up here thinking we'd have to find a forest for your corpse, Kassa! But it's impossible to imagine you might have sore ribs, is it?"

"Yes it is!" Cassian shouts right back at him. He has no idea what just happened, can't fathom why Melshi's vibrating with rage. And he's sure–he's absolutely certain–if he were in a better place himself he'd know how to handle this. He'd know what's even going on. But he's not. He's really, really not. His strained temper hits Melshi's and explodes. "It's over! I'm fine! Stop fretting about my kriffing ribs! You don't need to treat me like I'm some kriffing invalid, all right? My mothers are dead! I don't need another one!"

"No, you need a leash," Melshi sneers. "No wonder you miss Kay so much: You're incapable of keeping yourself in one piece without him!"

It's a shock, the aching stab of grief from just hearing Kay's name. But the accusation Cassian misses him for his utility is intolerable. "I should've guessed you were jealous of a robot," he grits. "It wasn't his fault you're so–"

"Stop." Jyn doesn't shout, but her voice crackles so heavily with anger Cassian snaps his mouth shut. "Don't you dare finish that sentence, Cassian Andor. You take a karking second and think about who it is you're trying to hurt." She whirls on Melshi. "And you need to shut it down right now and take a step back. You're cornering your boyfriend in the fresher, for kriff's sake." Melshi blinks, backs up. "That’s better. You were scared," she says to him more gently. "We both were. And Cassian couldn't breathe and that made it even worse for you. But that doesn't give you the right to start strafing when there's no one to attack." She turns back to Cassian. "And I know you're going through shit right now, but that doesn't mean your only option is shooting to kill. That goes for both of you," she adds to Melshi. "You both really need to stop going right for the jugular like you're in a kriffing death match! If you're angry, keep it to what you're angry about. How is hurting each other for the sake of it going to help anything?" She looks between the two of them. "You're both adults. You love each other. So quit this banthashit and deal like loving adults."

Cassian doesn't feel like an adult. He feels like a chastised child. He wants to hit something. He's worried he might cry. It's humiliating. He can't stand it.

He swallows, reminds himself he really is an adult, nothing bad is happening. He reaches back into the fresher to put the bottle on the counter. Flexes his fingers. He was gripping the neck so tightly his hand hurts. Then he steps past Jyn, keeping his gaze on Melshi's face until he's close enough to touch him.

Melshi looks awful. Cassian saw that when he woke up. Now it's worse: Melshi's face is haggard and tight with tension, dark bags under his eyes.

It's barely been two months since Morlana One. Barely more than three days since Melshi watched Cassian struggling to breathe. Melshi still lashes out when he's afraid. If Cassian was more himself he would've remembered that.

"Can I touch you?" Cassian waits for Melshi's nod, then gently takes Melshi’s nearer hand and presses his palm to the space just under his ribs, takes a deep breath. "I'm okay, Melshi. My lungs are fine. I'm not going to stop breathing."

Melshi watches his hand move on Cassian's body. He nods. His eyes go wet. He puts his free hand over his mouth, clenches his eyes shut. His shoulders shake.

Cassian pulls him into a hug, holds him tight. He lets go just long enough to engulf Jyn too.

"I was so karking scared, Cass," Melshi chokes out. His hand trembles on Cassian's back. "You have no idea. It was… Luke was dying in front of me and I couldn't do a damn thing. And I didn't know if…if you would–" He stops, breathes. "If you'd go with him."

"I didn't," Cassian says firmly. "I'm fine. So is Luke. We're both still here. We're breathing."

"I know," Melshi rasps. "And Chirrut said if…if Luke hadn’t made it, it would've just broken the link. But we didn't know that. And when you screamed…I was sure you'd both made the last jump, right there." He huffs a sound too wet and miserable to be a laugh. "I expect the whole damn ship heard me hollering your name over the comm."

"I'm sorry." Cassian's eyes are wet too, Melshi's anguish bleeding into him. Ships powered down to life-support can't sustain shields. It's not even remotely funny.

"Not exactly your fault," Jyn says.

"I know. I still hate that either of you had to deal with it." Cassian grimaces. "And for what I said. I was an asshole."

Melshi smirks wetly, drops a kiss somewhere near Cassian's ear. "Yeah, well. You and me both. For what it's worth," he says, voice dropping, "I miss Kay too. He was a good friend."

"Yeah," Cassian says softly. His throat was already aching. "It's been hard going on missions without him."

"I still think we should go back to Eadu," Jyn says. "The U-wing's data core might still be intact enough to retrieve him."

Cassian shakes his head. Shoves back the frustration because normally he loves her willingness to hope. "It wasn't. And even if some of his data survived…" He swallows. "It wouldn't be him. He'd hate the idea of coming back like that."

"Okay," Jyn relents, sighing. She gives them both a last squeeze and shifts her weight. Cassian and Melshi immediately free her. Jyn climbs onto their bed. She sits cross-legged, leaning back on her hands.

Melshi seems happy where he is so Cassian keeps his arms around him. "Are you okay?"

He leans the side of his head against Cassian's. "Yeah," he says after a moment. "I'm sure I've got a few more bad nights coming, and if we don't get off this ship soon I'm going to throw someone out an airlock–"

"Draven. It should be Draven," Jyn cuts in.

This time Melshi's laugh is only a little pained. He steps back to look at her, keeping one arm around Cassian. He wipes his eyes with the base of his thumb. "Poor man has no idea how badly you have it in for him."

She grins. "Never reveal your intentions."

Melshi smirks again. Cassian wishes he felt like laughing. He wipes his eyes too, grateful when no one mentions it. "But, you're okay, Melshi?"

Melshi nods. "Yes," he says seriously. "I'm okay. I didn't slide into my head. I know where I am. I know everything I'm feeling is as much about my own karking trauma as it is about losing you." He hauls in a deep, frustrated breath. "I just hate it. I really, really, kriffing hate it."

"You're doing so much better, Rue," Jyn says.

"Doesn't really feel like it."

"She's right. You are. We all are." Cassian doesn't feel like he is either; reminds himself being on thrusters and life-support is better than drifting and dead. "Don't discount it because of one setback." He smiles, self-depreciative. "Or a stupid fight."

Melshi's answering smile is the same. "I'm not. Really. I'm just tired. I'm tired of this…thing in my head that's so tangled up with anyone I care about. I'm tired of being on a ship that reminds me of prison every damn day. I'm tired of having to spill my guts to a mind healer every other damn day. I'm tired of doing shit that feels like busywork because I'm on medical leave. Hell, I'm tired of being tired because something like this happens and I can't karking sleep. But I'm okay. I promise." He kisses Cassian's forehead. It feels oddly like a blessing. Then he lets go and steps back. "Are you okay?"

Cassian blinks. Carefully schools his features. "What do you mean?"

"He means, 'are you okay'? Because leaving aside the whole screaming-in-agony-bacta-coma thing, you've still got Luke living rent-free in your head." Jyn says.

She makes it sound trivial when it's horrifying. Cassian's hackles go up again, damn it. He takes a breath; she's downplaying it because she's worried. "I know." It's bizarre having to say that when his head feels completely fine. "But whatever Chirrut did is still blocking it. I just don't know how long it'll last before he has to redo it."

"Hopefully long enough to keep you from passing out again," Melshi says.

He's not joking, which is good because it's really not amusing. Cassian rubs his face, checks his chrono. Less than two hours since Chirrut helped him. He has no idea how many hours he has left, if he'll have any kind of warning before Luke's psyche overtakes his again. "I don't know if I'll be able to tell it's wearing off."

"We'll notice if you start acting weird," Jyn says with confidence she can't possible feel.

"Okay." There's a joke in there. Cassian can't find it. He feels spent, like three days sharing Luke's bacta sleep did nothing. "Draven wants to see me tomorrow morning. He's worried about how much access Luke has to my memories." Right now even walking to the man’s office feels impossible. Maybe it's Luke creeping into his head again.

Cassian goes still. He feels completely fine. That might not mean anything. He felt completely fine on Troithe until Vari spoke to him.

Tell me, sweetheart, what’s your name?

"Cassian?"

He hears his name in a woman's voice and his heart rockets into his throat. he almost claps his hands over his ears, almost snarls, I'm Kassa! because Kassa doesn't have to listen. But that's Jyn. This isn't Troithe. He's not drugged. Nobody's trying to hurt him.

"Cass? You all right, love?"

Cassian nods. He's staring at nothing. That's not good. He jerks his head towards Melshi. His heart's going too fast. That's not good either. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? It looked like you checked out for a sec," Jyn says. "I asked you something and you didn't hear me."

"Yeah. Must've been in another sector for a moment." Cassian finds a smile for them both, breathes, forces himself to relax. He looks at Jyn. "What did you want to ask me?"

He can tell Jyn's not convinced he's fine, but she doesn't call him on it. "Just, what are you going to tell Draven?"

Thank the Forest, that's easy enough to answer. Cassian shrugs. "The truth. We haven't shared anything compromising. I don't know if he'll be able to access anything important. I don't think so, but until he wakes up I can't know for sure." He can't afford to worry about it.

"Maybe you should postpone the meeting until Luke wakes up then," Melshi says.

"No point, since Luke’s going to disconnect us." He wishes he felt as certain as he sounds. He wishes the idea of Luke waking up didn't terrify him. Less than a day. It feels like a pending execution.

He can't let himself worry about it. He pats Melshi's arm then goes back to the fresher and retrieves the bottle of nutrient water. He tells himself it'll help, leans against the doorframe while he opens it. The room is small enough, it's easy to see the desk. Melshi's projector is still disassembled in the trays, exactly the way Cassian left it. It's hard to believe that was nearly four days ago. He still needs to get the piece for it.

Four days of his life, just gone. He keeps losing everything: His home; his parents; time; control of his mind and body. He probably shouldn't think like that.

He drinks half the water, then goes to the desk and picks up the datapad Draven gave him, which he'd intended to look at before he ended up screaming in Jyn's arms. He brings it to Melshi, holds it out. Melshi takes it automatically. "This'll help with getting off the ship, at least. These are scouting reports from planets where we could potentially establish a new base. Draven wanted tactical opinions. Might as well check them out."

Melshi's eyes go huge. "Are you serious?" He flips the cover open immediately and turns the pad on.

"Planets? We're finally choosing a base planet?" Jyn holds out her arms with grabby hands. "Let me see! I wanna see it too!"

Cassian normally finds her pushiness cute, so he grins at her. He feels something close to like himself when she grins back at him.

Melshi sits on his part of the bed with his back against the wall, then pats the mattress for Jyn to join him. She does immediately, snuggling under Melshi's arm.

Cassian loves watching them together, but they're waiting for him. He finishes the water, puts the empty bottle on the desk. He follows Jyn to the bed and sits so he's snugged in next to her, then leans forward to let her thread her arm behind his back.

Melshi reaches across her lap to pat Cassian's thigh, then shifts his gaze from the datapad to him. "You know, you still haven't told me if you're okay."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not!" Jyn says hotly. "How in the galaxy could you possibly be fine right now?"

"Because I wasn't the one trapped under the X-wing! I wasn't injured!" He sits up, angry again. Throttles it back with an effort. This isn't him. He hates it. He takes a breath, another. "I was terrified. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe. And my chest…" He stops, reminds himself it was Luke, that Luke will be fine. "But the worst part was not knowing where I was. I mean, I was with Jyn. But I was also in the hangar being crushed. That was…" His hands are in fists. He deliberately relaxes them. "It was worse for Luke."

Jyn and Melshi are both sitting up as well. Jyn wraps her hand around his nearer one. "I don't think that makes it less bad for you," she says.

Cassian shrugs, squeezes her hand a little.

Melshi reaches across her to put his hand on Cassian's leg. The contact is good, grounding. It's not enough. Cassian wishes he could be in his usual place on the bed, held securely between them. He feels strangely vulnerable like this. Exposed, as if something could sneak up on him.

He knows it's not real. He's not going to displace Jyn for nothing.

"You were talking to him out loud. I heard it over the comm," Melshi says.

It's not a question, but Cassian nods anyway. "He'd never been injured that badly before. The pain was overwhelming him. He couldn't even concentrate enough to release it into the Force. So I–" He hesitates. He knows he doesn't have to protect them. They don't want him to. It's just hard. They can't stand it when he gets hurt.

But he's brave. So he says, "I told him to give the pain to me. And to take my…strength. Or energy or whatever it was. Because he was too weak to save himself on his own. So he did."

Cassian forces himself to not look away, meet the shock on Jyn's face and the blank horror in Melshi's eyes. He hates upsetting them, but he's not guilty about this. "He would've died. He was dying. I could feel it. I made the only choice I could."

"Of course you did. You always do." The smile Jyn gives him is sweet and tragic. "That's one of the reasons I love you. It's just, we're not even on a mission. We're on the ship. You should have been safe." She slumps back with a frustrated exhale. "I just need you to be safe."

"I'm sorry," Cassian says. "I thought I was safe too."

Melshi snugs Jyn closer to him. Kisses her temple. Flexes his fingers on Cassian's leg. "Everyone's safe now."

She rolls her eyes. "No kidding, Rue. Still doesn't help."

Cassian shakes his head. "I don't feel safe." He's whispering, startled he even said it out loud. He's not entirely sure he meant to. He knows Melshi and Jyn snap their attention to him, but he's looking down at Jyn's hand in his own, Melshi's on his leg. It's easier. "I keep losing myself. Control of my body. My mind. I know this time was an accident. Luke…" He swallows. "He was just scared and in pain. And, he saved my life on Troithe. I know he wouldn't… He's not subjugating me on purpose. I'm not sure he's aware it's happening. But, he keeps doing it. He keeps taking over and I can't stop him. I can't escape it. So, I'm not safe anymore."

"Force save us." Melshi's voice is full of pain. "Kassa."

"Come here," Jyn says fiercely. She tugs on Cassian's hand. "You're in the wrong place. Come here, come here, come here." Jyn climbs over his legs, pushes him towards Melshi.

Cassian shifts over. Melshi immediately envelops him in his arms. Jyn presses into his side, squirms her arms around him too. Cassian leans into Melshi, lays his arm across Jyn's shoulders.

He exhales, some of his tension easing. It's stupid. He knows Melshi and Jyn can't protect him. This link with Luke will come back no matter where he is. He feels more secure anyway. It's good. It's a relief. He'll take it.

"We're going to keep you safe, Cassian," Jyn says, just as fiercely.

His breath hitches. "You can't. Not from this." He wishes they could so badly.

"Maybe not," Melshi concedes, always the more realistic one. "But we can stay with you in case you need us. And we can make sure you know where you are if you forget. Like all the times you did for me."

"Or who you are," Jyn says. "If you get lost, we'll find you."

How many times have they already done that for him? After Jenoport. After Scarif. After Morlana One. "Thank you." His voice rasps. There are tears in his eyes again. He's so tired of this. He wipes the wetness away with the one hand he can still move. "Can we read the reports?"

He just wants the distraction. Something else to think about for awhile. He didn't mean for it to sound as belligerent as it came out. But Jyn just says, "Oh, right!" and holds out her free hand imperiously to Melshi. "Give."

Melshi smirks, rolls his eyes good-naturedly. "Well, when you ask so nicely…" He hands her the datapad.

Jyn grins at him, then puts the pad on Cassian's legs and opens it, all left-handed. The screen comes back to life. She peers at the readout, then frowns. "Where the hell is Hoth?"

Chapter Text

The briefing room on Home One is Melshi's least favorite part of the ship. Considering he started out disliking the fleet's flagship and has come to loathe it over the last several months, that's saying something.

It's not because the room is glaring white. Well, it kind of is. But at least there are enough other colors to keep his brain out of Narkina 5. A small mercy considering how much time he's spent in this kriffing repurposed amphitheater. It's not even because of the miserably uncomfortable curved bench he's currently sprawled on, which he can't imagine could be kinder to the asses of the Mon-Cals who built the thing. Those are mostly just annoyances. He hates the briefing room because nobody comes in here for anything good; just different flavors of crises. Even stepping through the door makes Melshi's hindbrain curdle in panic.

Can't be helped. And he'd much rather be here than not, with Cassian between him and Jyn but his gaze settled somewhere a few sectors distant. Their oysha has his arms crossed and his ankle on his opposite knee. His foot is jiggling. Melshi has never seen him do that. Melshi's left leg is pressed to Cassian's quietly vibrating thigh, and he has his hand kneading the back of Cassian's neck. He was ridiculously happy Cassian let him, considering Draven's right there watching with those shrewd eyes of his.

Jyn is sitting up with her feet flat on the floor, pressed against Cassian hip to knee. Her arms are crossed just like his, and she's glaring so hard at Draven Melshi's shocked the man hasn't burst into flame. Neither of them are supposed to be here. Melshi could not give less of a kriff.

It was a bad night. Chirrut's Force-connection barrier thing kept Cassian awake for about four hours, at first. The next block lasted three and a half. The next around two hours and forty minutes. By the time the ship's night watch started yesterday it was down to less than two hours, with Chirrut spending more and more effort to make it stick. He was still tired this morning, despite his usual cheer. And then the barrier lasted less than an hour and a half before he had to come back and wake Cassian up again. Chirrut was staggering when he left, leaning so heavily on Baze that his husband was all but carrying him. So now Melshi's worried about him too.

One of the reasons Jyn and Melshi are here uninvited is to keep Cassian from cracking his skull open if he collapses again. Which is distressingly likely as long as Luke's unconscious. The other reason is Cassian's careful, guarded expression and his haunted eyes. He looked like that his first day in the prison. He looked like that in the weeks before Jenoport.

And then there are the nightmares.

It was a very bad night. Melshi did some research at kriff-all hundred hours, because he could use his datapad one-handed while he tried and failed to soothe Cassian into something approaching decent sleep. Humans cycle through dreams between four and six times a night. Cassian went through five. He had nightmares in every one of them. Normally he sleeps like the dead when he feels safe. Melshi's checked his pulse more than once, lain awake far too many times just to hear him breathe. But last night Cassian thrashed and fought; cried out in anger, grief and fear; begged for help that never arrived and mercy that was never given.

They weren't even his nightmares. They were a terrible conflation of his and Luke's. Impossible to be sure of the content, but easy enough to get the gist: Kay and Bodhi making a doomed run on the Death Star; Biggs dying on Scarif; Chirrut and Baze executed by Stormtroopers; Melshi and Jyn left to die in the Tatooine desert; Han and Leia worked to death in a toxic mine.

And nothing would wake him. Melshi had to stop Jyn from shaking Cassian hard enough to break something. Around five in the morning Melshi commed Chirrut to block Luke again, because they couldn't take it anymore. And then it took nearly half an hour before it even worked.

Cassian woke up disoriented with tears on his face. He's barely breathed a word to anyone since.

Melshi begged Chirrut to get the Redemption medics to get Luke out of the tank early. The kid's meant to be pulled this evening anyway; it's not ideal but it won't harm him. And Luke might still be dreaming. The idea of the kid's psyche cycling through that kind of hell with no respite is more horrible than Melshi wants to think about. And Cassian can't go through another night like that. None of them can.

Cassian said he wants to live. Melshi believes him. But stress any system enough, it'll break. Melshi doesn't know where Cassian's limit is, but he's terrified it's close. The foot jiggling alone is like a howl of warning.

Draven is standing at the tactical computer, pretending not to fidget with the recording device. He checks his chrono again. His lips purse in annoyance. "All right. I think we've waited long enough."

Cassian startles at the break in the silence. He catches himself quick, sitting up straight with both feet smacked to the floor. Composes his face like a block of stone.

But of course Draven noticed anyway. "Are you all right, Major?"

Melshi's certain it's a genuine question, not a subtle reprimand. Jyn bristles visibly all the same, narrowing her eyes. Draven ignores her, watching Cassian.

"I'm fine, sir. Just tired," Cassian says.

It's the kind of truth that implies a great deal of lying by omission. Draven is clearly considering calling Cassian on it, but that's when General Cor finally decides to show up.

"Sorry I'm late," he says to Draven like the other general's the only person in the room. "Assessing the damage to Captain Skywalker's X-wing took longer than anticipated." He throws a bladed glance in Cassian's direction. "I was hoping for your input on appropriate punishment for the perpetrators."

Perpetrators, plural. Bastard. Cor instructed the fighter pilots before his promotion. Melshi's never met the man, but everyone knows Cor hands out demerits like candy. Some of the pilots bragged about collecting them.

Melshi would just roll his eyes, let Draven deal with it. Except Cassian stiffens like Cor's got teeth in his flapping gums. Like a pilot's demerit is something to worry about.

It is for Luke. Of course it is. That's why Cassian stays still and quiet, says nothing. Hell, he probably wouldn't defend himself even if he wasn't near the end of his rope. So long as it took the target off Luke.

Cassian's always had a weakness for scruffy, bright-eyed idealists.

Maybe Melshi's lacking generosity of spirit, but he's more than happy for the target to stay locked on the nerf herder who actually dropped a kriffing X-wing on his head. Which sure as hell wasn't Cassian. So if he's not going to defend himself, Melshi will be more than happy to do it for him. Hell, he's in the mood to bare his teeth.

Jyn beats him to it. She stands up, moves in front of Cassian like she expects the generals to come at him. Ignores the, "Jyn!" Cassian hisses at her back.

"Major Andor had nothing to do with what happened!" she spits at Cor. "Luke made the connection with him after the accident! Cassian saved his life!"

Cor gives her a bland stare that might be intimidating to someone who cared. "And why are you both here, exactly?" he asks, voice frosty as an exposed tit on Ando Prime.

"We're his emotional-support Pathfinders," Melshi says. He blinks innocently, pulling up the smile that's made interrogators prefer to just beat him to death.

Draven's mouth twitches almost in the direction of a smirk, but his face smooths like glass when Cor looks at him.

"What the hell is this?" Cor demands, gesturing angrily at Melshi. Like a wee bit of belligerence is more than he's capable of fathoming.

"I asked them to attend," Draven says. He absolutely did not. "They were with Major Andor at the moment this apparent mental link between him and Captain Skywalker formed. Sergeant Erso stayed with him while Sergeant Melshi was with Skywalker in the hangar. They're valuable witnesses." He looks at Jyn, gives his head a slight tilt in the direction of her vacated chair.

She sits with cold dignity, slit-eying Cor the entire time. "Major Andor did nothing wrong," she says to Draven. "Sir," she adds grudgingly when Cassian jostles her leg with his own.

"I'm aware of that, Sergeant," Draven says to her. He turns back to Cor. "If you want to go after Skywalker, that's your prerogative. If you want advice on punishment, take it up with Mothma. She paid for the X-wings. But if you even think of coming after my people, for this or at all, we're going to have a problem. And by 'We,' I mean 'You.' Is that clear?"

"Yes," Cor says. Draven lifts an eyebrow. "Sir." He adds it more grudgingly than Jyn did.

"Good," Draven says briskly. "Now if it's all the same to you," he adds to Cor, "I'd like to finally start this debriefing. Major," he says to Cassian, who jerks to attention so fast Melshi worries for his spine, "what is this link you have with Skywalker, and how is it affecting you?" Draven's mouth twitches again, this time into something unpleasant. "Have you been compromised?"

"Is Skywalker capable of leading a squadron?" Cor cuts in.

"No, sir, he isn't," Cassian says to Cor, swift and brutally honest. Then he tells Draven, Cor, and Draven's recording device what he told Jyn and Melshi the afternoon before. Mostly. He leaves out his fear, glosses over the disorientation. Doesn't mention he gave Luke energy and took his pain.

He does tell Draven how he shared Luke's coma for over three days, how he'd still be dead to the galaxy if it wasn't for Chirrut. How Chirrut's intervention lasts for less and less time.

He doesn't talk about sharing nightmares. Maybe he doesn't remember. He doesn't talk about what the link has done to him either: how he doesn't feel safe anymore.

Draven listens somberly, elbow propped on one hand and his fingers cradling his chin. Cor has his arms crossed, expression pinched like he's half certain Cassian's having him on. To his credit he lets Draven ask the questions. Not that they are many; Cassian is very, very good at conveying information.

Jyn corroborates what Cassian says, terse and glowering like she's being interrogated. Melshi's just pleased his voice doesn't crack too painfully when he describes Luke dying in front of him.

"In your estimation, is there a possibility of Skywalker having…deeper access to your memories once he's fully recovered from his injuries?" Draven asks Cassian finally.

Cassian swallows. In this context it's another tell like a beacon. "I don't know," he admits. "I'm certain he'll be able to neutralize the link before it becomes a concern."

"What if he can't?" Cor demands. "What if you're suck like this? Is there a way to…" He grimaces, trying to find the word. "Diminish the link, at least? You said the Guardian could block it temporarily. What about Skywalker? Can't he do it?"

"He needs to wake up first," Jyn reminds Cor. Pointedly.

"Guardian Îmwe agreed to find out if Skywalker could be removed from the bacta before this evening," Cassian says, neatly derailing whatever Cor was planning on growling in return. "I'm sure with Îmwe's–" He gasps and jerks violently like he's been electrocuted.

For one hellish moment Melshi's sure that's what happened. He's seen it; screamed and convulsed right beside him; clung to Cassian as they trembled through the aftermath. He cries out in horrified denial, grabs Cassian even though that'll electrocute him too.

"Kassa!" Jyn rockets back to her feet, grabs him at the same time.

Cassian jerks away from them, hissing like it hurts. "Don't! Don't touch me!" He bends over, covering his eyes with the heels of his hands. Then he shudders, jerks violently again. "Stop it! Stop touching me!" No one's touching him. He grunts in what could be frustration or pain. Slaps his hands to his ears instead, clenching his eyes shut.

"What's going on? Nobody's touching him." It's Cor. Everyone ignores him.

Draven comes closer. His face is startlingly open with concern. Jyn steps in front of Cassian again and the general stops moving. "How can I help?"

"Find out what the hell's wrong with Luke," Melshi orders him. Cassian flinches. "Sorry," Melshi murmurs to him. The angle's awkward, but when he stands up and leans a bit he can put his own hands over Cassian's eyes. He links his fingers because it helps a little with their trembling. "That better?"

"Yes. No. Everything's overlapping." Cassian starts shivering. "It's cold." He flinches. "I said don't touch me!"

Melshi whips his hands away. Cassian makes a miserable noise and Melshi puts them back over his eyes.

"It's not you, Cassian. It's Luke," Melshi says, low and urgent. "Luke's cold. Luke's got hands on him. Not you. You're here with us. Remember?"

"I know!" Cassian snaps. "It's overlapping."

Jyn turns around, kneels so she's looking up at Cassian. She puts her hands firmly on Cassian's knees. He twitches but doesn't jerk or flinch. "Kassa, it's Jyn. Can you hear me?"

"No. Everyone's talking. It's too loud. Tell them to stop." His teeth are chattering.

"You're in the the briefing room," Jyn says, far more loudly. "You're Cassian Jeron Andor. Your second gift is Kassa and you're my star," she says in Kenar.

"I know!" He grits his teeth, breath shuddering through them. "I'm trying!"

"The medic said Luke's out of the bacta," Draven says. "He wasn't scheduled for removal until tonight at the earliest, so he's confused and disoriented. They're drying him off, and then they'll move him to a private room to recover."

"Can't they warm him up?" Cor demands. "Andor's freezing!" And all right, maybe he's not a complete jerkass.

"Shut up!" Cassian snarls.

It's such a shock, everyone does.

Melshi's not sure Cassian's aware of who he said it to. He still has his hands over his ears, Melshi's hands over his eyes. He's still shivering. Wherever he's experiencing isn't in the room. "Is that better?" Cassian says." There's a beat. And then, "Good. We need to separate, Luke. We're in each other's heads. You have to turn it off." It's like he's on a comm., only eerie as kark. He pauses, exhales shakily in frustration. "Luke! I can't–!" He cuts himself off with a sound like pain. Shudders a breath in and out. "Make a barrier, then. Please. You– You're the Jedi, Luke! How am I supposed to know?" He straightens, shoulders going back. He's angry. "I wasn't conscious either, remember? I don't know!" He takes another breath, lets it out through his teeth. "What if you lock me out? Find a place with a door and lock me out." A handful of beats. Jyn stays perfectly still; Melshi tries not to tremble. "You lifted an X-wing and you can't lock a kriffing door?" Another pause. Cassian growls in frustration. "Find somewhere with a blast door, then! I don't– Yes. Do that. That's fine. Close the canopy and lock it. Leave me outside."

Cassian goes quiet except for the rasp of his breath, the minute trembling. His whole body is like a wire stretched too tight.

Jyn stands slowly, hands hovering like she's worried he'll spook. She opens her mouth but closes it without speaking.

Melshi waits, reminds himself to breathe. And then Cassian sighs in relief and slumps forward, pulling his head away from Melshi's hands. Cassian drops his arms to his knees, rests his forehead on his crossed forearms.

Melshi hesitates, carefully puts his hand on Cassian's back. He can feel his spine through his jacket, like Cassian's wasting away in front of him. The thought is terrible. "Cass?"

"M'here," he mutters. "I need a minute."

Jyn puts her hand on his shoulder, seeking the same assurance as Melshi. "We're not going anywhere."

"Did you break the link?" Cor asks.

Cassian sits upright so fast he nearly clips Melshi's face with the back of his head. He shoots to his feet, standing at perfect attention. "Sirs. I apologize. What I said was…" He sways.

"Whoa!" Melshi grabs Cassian's arm. Jyn grabs his waistband. Between the two of them they get Cassian back to the bench before his legs give out.

"I think we'll survive without an apology, Major, given the circumstances," Draven says, dry as an asteroid. "Do you need the medbay?"

Cassian shakes his head, scrubs his face. His hands are trembling almost as badly as Melshi's. "No, sir. I'm fine."

Draven's snort is eloquent with disbelief, but he doesn't call Cassian on it. "Were you able to sever the link, Major?"

"No, sir." Cassian straightens again, rolls back his shoulders. His face goes carefully blank. "Luke–Captain Skywalker–was able to put his own block on it. He'll be able to sever it when he's rested." Force alone knows if there's anything to that beyond Cassian's desperation for it to be true.

Well, Melshi's pretty desperate for it to be true himself.

"So, currently neither of you are incapacitated? I presume this 'overlap' you mentioned isn't still happening?" Cor asks.

"No, sir." It shows how overwhelmed Cassian is that he can't hide his relief. "But, I don't know how long Captain Skywalker will be able to sustain it."

"He was just pulled out of bacta," Melshi says to Cor, because he knows Cassian would remind him of that himself if he wasn't reeling. "Sir," he tacks on as belatedly as possible.

"I'm aware of that, Sergeant," Cor says stiffly. "Just as I hope you're aware we are severely short on pilots after Scarif and Yavin, let alone pilots skilled enough to lead a squadron. I need him back in a cockpit yesterday, if we've any hope of surviving another attack."

Melshi hides his grimace. He might not like Cor, but the general's not wrong. "Yes, sir," he says, with actual respect in it.

Draven glances at Cor, who gives a slight nod in return, then turns back to Cassian. "Very well, then. I believe we're done here. Major, I'll leave you to the care of your emotional-support Pathfinders," he says with a completely straight face. "I expect you to keep me apprised of the situation with Captain Skywalker. Until then, you're dismissed." His mouth pulls unhappily at the edges. "Get some rest."

"Yes, sir." Cassian gives a sharp nod. He stands, Melshi and Jyn rising with him, but his legs are stable and hold him as the three of them head to the door.

"Just one more question, Major," Cor says, right when they're about to escape. Cassian does a perfect military about-face. Melshi allows himself a slow, irritated blink before he turns as well. He's sure Jyn rolls her eyes.

"Yes, sir?" Cassian asks, precise as his turn.

"Are you Force sensitive?"

Melshi can't see Cassian's face, but he knows him too well to miss how his back stiffens. "No, sir," Cassian says. "I don't understand why this is happening, but it's not because of me."

It's evening, ship time. Cassian is in Luke's and Bodhi's quarters. Chirrut is here as well but Baze isn't. Neither are Melshi and Jyn; there's no room. There's barely enough room for the three of them, even with him and Luke on the bed. But Luke asked Cassian to come to his quarters, and Cassian agreed because Luke's anxious as hell. Cassian doesn't care where he is as long as Luke gets rid of this thing connecting them. He'd suit up and go out onto Home One's hull, so long as he came back without Luke in his head.

Cassian's sitting on Bodhi's half of the bed with his legs crossed. His feet are tucked under his legs to keep them still, but his right knee is jiggling. He used to do that all the time as a kid: jiggle his foot, knee, leg every time he was nervous. A few months in Sipo literally beat it out of him. He thought it did. He keeps forcing himself to be still, only for his stupid knee to rev up again.

He hates it. He hates it. Having tells like this, being affected by other peoples' emotions. He's nervous because he wants this over with. He's also nervous because of Luke. It's not the link, thank the Forest. It's just Luke's anxiety. Cassian can't help picking up on it.

He has no power for shields, but Luke's so anxious even Chirrut's affected by it. He's in the desk chair next to Luke's bed. Outwardly as serene as always, but there's a tension to him. Cassian's sure of it. Or maybe it's just him, projecting his own uncertainty. Or maybe he's projecting Luke's.

Cassian can't even tell anymore. He hates that more than anything.

Jyn and Melshi are waiting in the mess. It's frightening, how much Cassian misses them, their solid, steadying presence. How badly he needs it right now. He's scared he needs them too much in general. He doesn't want to be a burden on the people he loves. Especially not when they're going through their own shit and he's not doing a damn thing to help. He's just taking and taking and not giving them anything back. They deserve so much better than that. They deserve so much better than him.

He's known that for months already. With Melshi he's known it for years. Since Morlana One it's just been more blatant.

Luke is also sitting with his legs crossed. He has his hands palm-down on his knees. His eyes are closed. He's been taking long, slow breaths for at least five minutes, following Chirrut's lead. Trying to meditate. It doesn't seem to be doing much.

Luke really doesn't look good, other than the clear skin and fluffy hair that always come after a few days in a bacta tank. He's pale, streaks under his eyes. Tentative when he moves. His injuries must still be hurting, especially since he came out early.

Luke looks tired too, like he slept badly. Well, that makes both of them.

Cassian's supposed to be meditating with them. He didn't even try. He has no patience anymore. He's too anxious to find out what the hell this link is and how to get rid of it.

He can't handle closing his eyes. Not here. He keeps feeling like something's going to attack him while he can't see.

It's ridiculous. Insane. He knows he's in one of the safest places in the galaxy right now. It doesn't make a difference. Without Melshi or Jyn here he feels so vulnerable he can't even shut his eyes.

He needs Luke out of his head or he's going to lose his krifffing mind.

"Very good." Chirrut says. Cassian blinks until he realizes he's speaking to Luke.

Luke just quivers a tiny wreck of a smile and murmurs, "thanks." He looks down at his clasped hands.

Chirrut turns to Cassian, his milky blue eyes settling next to Cassian's ear. He folds his hands in his lap, his expression uncharacteristically grave. Cassian's anxiety ratchets up.

"Discovering the cause of your sudden connection with Luke was more difficult than I'd hoped," Chirrut says. "Luckily, the Force was with us. I was able to contact one of the other surviving Guardians. She was certain Luke created a Force Bond with you by accident."

Luke's head snaps up. "I did what?"

"A what?" Cassian asks at the same time.

"A Force Bond," Chirrut repeats with infuriating calm. "They were common among the Jedi before the Purge. It was a way to communicate over long distances by sharing an extrasensory awareness of each other. Especially skilled Jedi were even able to have limited telepathy."

"Telepathy," Luke repeats, stunned. He looks wide-eyed at Cassian. "We can do that."

Cassian swallows, tears his gaze back to Chirrut. "You didn't tell me if I was Force sensitive, before." He told Cor he wasn't because he was sure of it. But…Chirrut never actually said.

Cassian doesn't want to be Force sensitive. He can't live like this, couldn't stand it. But–

"You're right, you are not," Chirrut says. Cassian exhales. "But my padawan is. And he is very strong in the Force." He smiles at Luke. "Strong enough to forge a bond with someone who isn't."

"I did?" Luke's eyes are bigger than his voice. "That was all me?"

"Yes." Chirrut nods, expression sympathetic. "It was rare for Jedi to create Force bonds with those who were not Force sensitive, but not impossible. Especially under certain circumstances."

"'Certain circumstances'?" Cassian repeats. "What are you talking about?"

"The Guardian I spoke to was sure Luke created the bond when he kept your lungs functioning," Chirrut says. He turns nearly unerringly back to Luke. "You told me you used the Force to breathe for him for more than an hour. That was more than enough to bind you both."

Cassian realizes his hand's drifted to his chest, as if he could somehow feel Luke's imprint there. He can't, of course. It seems impossible that something so…big wouldn't leave a trace. But he remembers nothing between passing out on Troithe and waking on Hosnian Cardota. He didn't even know Luke had done anything until Bodhi told him.

He can't remember if he ever thanked Luke. He should. It sticks in his throat. He doesn't feel saved. He feels trapped; frantic; lost. This bond is going to destroy him.

"So, it was just me? The whole time?" Luke's eyes are wide and stricken. "I thought…I thought Cassian did it. When he called to me on Troithe." He looks at him. "You were screaming for help."

"I never called to you. I was screaming in my head because I couldn't do it out loud. And you heard me because you were listening." Cassian tries to keep his voice kind, thinks he manages it. Mostly. Maybe. Luke came out of bacta this morning. He's exhausted and in pain. This bond isn't his fault. He didn't ask for it any more than Cassian did. Hell, it's obvious Luke can't understand what even happened.

It's just…it's hard. He's so angry.

"Oh." Luke looks away like he's ashamed. He rubs his nose, lifts his knees, grimacing a little, and wraps his arms around them. "When you saved me in the hangar…I thought that was you connecting with me. I was so sure you were Force sensitive," he says, voice rough.

"It wasn't. I'm not," Cassian says.

"I believe you were sensing the bond itself, reflecting your own strength in the Force back to you," Chirrut says to Luke. "I felt it myself, the last time I tried to determine if Cassian is Force sensitive."

Luke nods distantly. "I'm sorry." Cassian doesn't know who he's apologizing to. Luke swallows, knuckles his eyes. "I guess I just…" He sighs. "I didn't want it to be just me."

Cassian thinks of Kitty; being the last of his people. He understands how Luke's feeling more than Luke knows. He's too angry to comfort him.

"All is as the Force wills it," Chirrut says to Luke. "If there are others like you out in the galaxy, you will find them when you are ready."

Luke nods again, but it's obvious he doesn't believe it. He looks at Cassian. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about this, Cassian. I didn't know I did anything."

Cassian nods. He can't give Luke more than that. "Just, break the bond. Or turn it off. Whatever you have to do to get rid of it."

Luke blinks. Startled like he forgot that's the entire reason Cassian's here. "Yeah, right. Right." He hesitates like he wants to say something, but just shakes his head. He lets go of his legs with another grimace and sits cross-legged again. He puts his hands on his knees, squares his shoulders. Turns to Chirrut. "What do I do?"

"You merely need to gather up the bond and let it dissipate," Chirrut says. "I will help you. Are you ready?"

"Wait. Do I need to do anything?" Cassian asks.

Chirrut shakes his head, grinning indulgently. "Just relax. This should be simple."

"Right." It's impossible to relax. He settles for breathing steadily, promises his racing heart this is almost over.

Luke closes his eyes, takes a breath. "Okay, I'm ready."

"Good. You can feel the bond, yes?" Chirrut says, voice lulling. "Gather it, and let it drift away. Yes, like that. Gather it up. Now just let–"

A wave of sorrow; grief; loss; guilt; terror hits Cassian like a wall. He gasps in shock, thinks Luke cries out but he can't hear him. Cassian hunches over, hands clamped to his skull. "Get out! GET OUT!" He's shaking, tears in his eyes. Heart beating so fast it aches. Not his. None of this is his. It's cold, dark. Pain like death. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. "GET OUT!"

More guilt, loss, fear. He sobs, chokes on it. He's freezing, anguished. Drowning. And then it's gone. Cassian comes up gasping, but he can breathe. He can breathe.

He rockets off the bed, stands with bared teeth, fists white-knuckled. Still shaking. Remnants of Luke's fear, clinging like blood. "What did you do to me?" He sounds like a creature about to kill. The Force must be black with it. He's black inside with rage. Dark and cold.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Luke says. He's hugging himself. His face is bloodless and horrified, eyes wet. "I'm sorry, I didn't–I didn't know that would happen! I was trying to get rid of the bond! I swear!"

"Don't lie to me!" Cassian spits. "What. Did. You. Do?" Cassian's grateful Jyn and Melshi aren't here to see him like this. Desperately wishes they were. He wants to beat Luke bloody. He's hanging on all the reasons he shouldn't by the skin of his teeth.

And he knows Luke can feel everything, see every vicious, fanged thought in his mind. And Cassian can feel all Luke's quivering, miserable reaction to it. A venomous snake eating its tail.

"Peace, Kassa. Luke meant no harm." Chirrut's standing as well, hovering near Luke but with his head tilted towards Cassian, arm stretched out. Warding off an attack.

Cassian wants to attack. He won't. He won't. He's just so angry. Violated to what's left of his soul. "I know," he grits. "Get him out of my head, Chirrut."

Chirrut nods, focuses on Luke. "Luke, what happened? What's wrong?"

"I don't know! I don't know what happened!" Luke swallows, eyes huge and pained. "I tried to let the bond go, I swear! But, I couldn't. It was…It was dark and cold. Like, like dying. Like Cassian was dying."

Cassian stares at him, numb with incomprehension. "I'm not dying!"

"Did you see something, Luke? Is Cassian in danger?" Chirrut asks him.

"I don't know. I don't know what's happening," Luke says. But he blinks and tears spill to his cheeks. "Please don't make me break the bond, Cassian," he says to him. He's radiating guilt and fear. "Please don't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't make me."

Chapter Text

Jyn's eyes snap open and she sits up before she even registers she's awake. Her body's flooded with adrenaline, ready for a fight. It's so dark in their quarters it's almost impossible to see. She searches the room with her eyes anyway, holds her breath to listen. No threats, but her eyes meet the whites of Melshi's in the dark. Something woke them both.

Not something. Cassian. He sleeps like the dead when he feels safe: flat on his back and silent as a corpse or sprawled over Melshi like he is now. But he's moving. She can feel it where their bodies touch, the small pulls along the muscles of his back. And he's breathing fast, like a nightmare.

Another nightmare. He's been having them consistently since Luke made the Force Bond with him; his and Luke's fears feeding off each other. Luke's supposedly working on his control. Jyn doesn't know how that's going, but Cassian's quiet misery seems to be answer enough. And all bets are off once Luke's asleep.

Jyn has no idea how Luke's handling the nightmares, alone as he is without Bodhi. She and Melshi are anxious and exhausted. Cassian's even worse. She knows he'd just stop sleeping entirely if he could, but Luke keeps dragging him down with him, just like with the bacta. Jyn might actually be happy about Cassian being forced to rest, except the nightmares mean he can't.

He's offered to sleep somewhere else more than once. So far she and Melshi have adamantly refused. They don't want Cassian to suffer like this alone. Melshi's worried about what Cassian might do. Jyn's trying not to. She told Cassian she knew he wouldn't give up. She still means it. But it's only been three days since Luke was pulled from the bacta, and she's already dreading Home One's artificial night. She's concerned they'll have to accept Cassian's offer so any of them can sleep at all.

"Careful. Careful," Cassian whispers, twitching. She knows better than to wake him when she's this close, the three of them tend to come up swinging. Melshi's rubbing Cassian's back, murmuring soothing nonsense.

Jyn cards her fingers through Cassian's hair. "Shh. Shh. You're all right."

Cassian jerks violently, head rocking against Melshi's chest hard enough she hears Melshi grunt in discomfort. "Look out!" Cassian mutters, "look out! They're–No!"

He freezes, his eyes flying open. Melshi and Jyn pull away instantly. Cassian flips onto his back and sits bolt upright. She's sure he's clutching the blanket, can just make out his head turning as he frantically searches the room.

Melshi sits up slowly, shifts to put one foot on the floor, giving Cassian more space. "Kassa. Cassian. It's all right, sweetheart," he says, calm and gentle. "You're safe. It was just a nightmare." Cassian whips his attention to Melshi. "It's okay. It's just us, love. Me and Jyn."

"I'm right here, Kassa. You're safe," she says. He turns to her as fast as he did Melshi. "It's me, Jyn. You're in our quarters." She carefully puts her hand on his chest. He startles, jerks away. She pulls her hand back. Her eyes meet Melshi's over Cassian's shoulder. Cassian doesn't get skittish like this. Not with them. Not for months. "Everything's okay. You just had a nightmare."

"Jyn?" He looks between her and Melshi. "What are you doing here?" It's not Cassian's voice. His accent is gone. He sounds like someone from the Outer Rim.

"Luke?" Jyn scrambles away from him, so fast she nearly throws herself off the bed.

"Where's Cassian? What did you do with him?" There's nothing calm or gentle in Melshi's voice anymore.

"What?" Cassian–no, Luke. This is Luke–tries to look down at his body in the dark, feels his face. "Oh, no," he says in that same flat accent. "No, no, no." He shoves his hands into his hair, looks between the two of them again. "I don't…What–"

Melshi stands up, towering over him. He slaps the light panel on the wall. Jyn winces at the sudden brightness. Luke squints with Cassian's eyes.

"Luke. Where is Cassian?" Melshi growls.

Luke snaps his gaze up. It's Cassian's face, but the fearful expression's all wrong. He shrinks back. Cassian would never do that. "I don't know."

"That's not an answer, Luke!" Jyn clenches her hands so she won't forget herself and wrap her fingers around that beloved throat. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing!" Luke sounds bewildered, panicked. "I didn't do anything! I don't know where he is!"

"You don't know?" Melshi parrots. "How could you not know?"

"I'm sorry!" Luke blurts. "I-I don't…I…"

Jyn shoves herself closer and snatches Luke's shirt, hauls him towards her. She ignores Melshi's wordless sound of alarm. She knows this is Cassian's shirt. She knows this is Cassian. She'd die before hurting him. She fists the cloth, doesn't twist it. It's damp with sweat. Luke's terrified, trembling. It only makes her angrier. "Bring him back. Bring him back now!"

"Jyn, that's Cassian! Don't hurt him!" Melshi says.

"I know whose body this is," Jyn spits, glaring at Luke. "Give it back!"

Luke nods frantically, eyes so wide she can see the full circle of his irises. "Okay. Okay." His voice trembles like Cassian's body.

"Jyn, this isn't helping," Melshi says.

She's making things worse. Luke can't fix this if he's too scared to think.

And she likes Luke. They both do. She knows he would never purposely hurt Cassian.

She's still enraged, but she lets go of Cassian's shirt, takes a breath, puts her hand on the junction of his neck and shoulder. Luke freezes, panting. "I'm sorry," she says, trying to mean it. "I get angry when I'm scared, and right now I'm scared out of my mind. I'm not going to hurt you. I know this was an accident. I just want Cassian back."

He nods frantically. "I know. I know. I'll get him back. I just…I need…"

She slides her arms around him, pulls him in. She should've asked. She's used to not having to anymore. But Luke doesn't hesitate before he grapples his arms around her back and clings like a newly-found child. "Shh. Shh. It's okay. You can do this. I know you can." She's lying through her teeth. She hopes he can't tell.

She hears Melshi breathe, calming himself. He puts his hand on the back of Luke's neck, kneads the muscles the way Cassian likes. "You're a Jedi, yeah? You can do this. You know where you and Cassian belong. Just let it happen."

Luke murmurs, "Yeah, yeah. Sure." He takes deep, slow breaths. Jyn counts five of them, six, seven, and then his head jerks up with a gasp.

"Cassian?"

He nods, drops his forehead to her shoulder. He's still shaking. He lets go of Jyn with one hand to fumble blindly for Melshi.

Melshi gets back on the bed and embraces them both. "We have you. You're here. You're all right."

Cassian makes a noise too awful to be a laugh. He shakes his head, rocking it against her shoulder. But he holds her tighter, leans into Melshi. "I couldn't get back." His voice sounds worse than his laugh did. "I woke up and I wasn't even in my own body and I couldn't get back. That's not 'all right'. How could that be 'all right'?"

"You're all right now. You did get back. You're where you belong," Jyn says.

Cassian shakes his head again. "It was Luke. I didn't do anything. I'm not…" He takes a deep, shaky breath. "I'm not in control."

"I know," Jyn says. No point in pretending otherwise. "But you will be. This is temporary." It has to be. Cassian can't go on like this. None of them can. "Luke will figure this out."

"No. He would have already. He can't. He thinks I'm going to die if he breaks the bond. How am I–" Cassian clenches his eyes shut, breathes through his teeth. He pushes away from them, moves himself to the wall when they let go. He crosses his arms and pulls up his knees, puts his face in his hands.

Melshi shifts so he's next to Cassian again. He puts his arm across Cassian's shoulders. "You're not dying, and you're not alone. Luke is going to figure this out. I can feel it."

"Melshi's right." Jyn moves next to Cassian as well, pressing close. "You can't give up yet. It's only been three days."

"Eight," Cassian sighs. "This started eight days ago." He lifts his head, clears his eyes with the heels of his hands. "You're telling me not to give up like there's anything to fight." He turns to look at her. "How can I fight this, Jyn? What can I do? Luke's been in control of…of everything since he dropped the X-wing. It's over. I already lost." He laughs again, thin and awful. "Luke's wrong. Breaking the bond won't kill me. It feels like I'm already dying."

"Don't say that!" Jyn grabs Cassian's closer wrist with both hands. Her heartbeat is wild and painful in her chest, the monsters looming. "Don't say that! You're not dead! You're not dying!" Don't leave me. Please don't leave.

"It's okay, Jyn. Nobody's dying," Melshi says.

"Yeah." Cassian scrubs his face, takes a breath. Exhales so deep it could empty his soul. "I just…" He swallows, leans against Melshi, tugs Jyn closer with the arm she's still holding. "I don't think I can do this," he says. There's a horrible, quiet finality to his voice. "I know it's only been three days since Luke got out of the bacta. But the bond's still there, and…I can't do it. I can't…" His next inhale trembles. Jyn bites her lip so she won't interrupt him, blurt out her fear. Melshi shuts his eyes like he's in pain. "Luke's there all the time, at the back of my skull. I know he's there, even when he's blocking it. And he keeps slipping through." He breathes, wipes his eyes. "It's like Troithe. Except I can't escape. There's no loophole. I can't find a way out. And this might be forever. And I can't do it. I can't live like this. I can't."

"Yes you can! You have to!" Jyn's speaking too loud, gripping Cassian's wrist tight enough to hurt. She loosens her fingers with an effort. "You have to," she says. "Please, Kassa. Please, don't…" She swallows. "Please don't leave."

"He's not going anywhere," Melshi says fiercely. But he holds Cassian that much more tightly. "This banthashit with Luke isn't forever. Luke's just as out of control as you are with this. You should've seen how scared he was when he woke up here. He doesn't want the bond either."

"Yes he does!" Cassian makes an agonized sound in his throat, tilts his head back to the wall so fast Jyn winces at the noise. "Of course he does. He said I'd die if he broke it! He thinks he's saving me."

"Yeah, well. Suppose we'll just have to convince him otherwise, then," Melshi says darkly. "We know where he is. I could go right now. Talk some sense into him."

Jyn's sure "talk" isn't the verb Melshi's thinking of, though he doesn't actually move.

Cassian leans farther into him anyway, wraps his free hand around his arm like he's keeping Melshi there. "It won't work. I already tried. He's convinced the bond is the only thing keeping me alive. And Chirrut believes him."

"What if he's right?" Jyn asks. It's been a persistent, awful thought since Cassian first told them: Luke's a Jedi. His feelings or visions or whatever this is can't mean nothing. Cassian doesn't believe him. Why would he? He's suffering. But if Chirrut does…

She can't lose him. She won't. She won't. "What if he's right?" she says again. "What if the bond is keeping you alive?"

"Then it's not–" Cassian stops, eyes widening like he startled himself. He swallows. "It doesn't feel worth it. I can't live like this." He licks his lips, eyes straight ahead. "I was thinking about what you told me. That the bond would break if one of us died. Wait. Wait," he says, cutting off Jyn's gasp and the way Melshi goes still. "I don't mean killing myself. I don't want to do that. I mean, on the Redemption, with medics. If my heart stops and then I'm brought back–"

"No!" Jyn throws herself at him. She moves too fast, uncoordinated and desperate. She hits her nose on Cassian's jaw, pins his arms awkwardly, accidentally scratches Melshi with her nails. "No. No. No. You can't! You can't do that! Please, please don't die, Kassa. Please, don't leave. Don't leave us."

"I don't want to! I don't want to die, Jyn!" Cassian grits his teeth, makes a sound like pain. "But I can't live like this! What am I supposed to do? What else am I supposed to do?"

"Not kriffing die, Cass!" Melshi snaps. "You're really planning to just strut into the medbay and ask them to please kill you?"

"Of course not." Cassian scrubs his face, exhales. Jyn can feel his weariness like a weight. It's only been three days, with him and Luke safe and awake. Three days. She can't lose him. "I'd get Draven to authorize it."

And Draven would; Jyn's sure of it. He might care about Cassian more than she thought, but not as much as he cares about the Rebellion. Cassian's useless to him like this. The risk would be worth it to get his best operative back.

"You really got this all figured out, don't you?" Melshi's arms are tight around Cassian, hands trembling. "And what if this brilliant idea of yours is why Luke's so worked up, huh? What if the medics are nerf-brained enough to stop your heart, and the bond breaks but you don't come back? What then?"

Jyn's breath hitches. "No, Kassa. Please. Please don't die. Please don't leave. Please." She's begging like a child. The bunker is yawning open in her mind and the lantern is dying and there are terrible monsters in the dark. "You said you wouldn't leave, Kassa. Please, please don't leave me. I love you. please don't leave."

"Don't do this, Kassa." Melshi's voice reminds Jyn of her own. "Don't take our oysha from us. We'll figure this out. Just, let us help you. You don't have to die."

"Please," Jyn says again. "Please don't leave."

"Okay," Cassian says. "I won't. I won't do anything, I promise. I'm not leaving. I'm sorry." He sounds defeated, drained to his core. He only apologizes when he's dying.

Jyn's too relieved to care.

Cassian doesn't try to sleep again. It's not all that late, he was barely asleep for two hours. He's barely slept for days. He's exhausted, not just physically. But the idea of closing his eyes and falling back into another shared nightmare is more than he can deal with.

He can't deal with anything. He can't stand it, but the one option he had to fix this was ripped away by two people who are meant to love him.

They do. Of course they do. That's why they want him alive. It still feels like a betrayal. Like they're condemning him to this hell for their convenience. He knows that's not fair. He's still seething.

He tells Jyn and Melshi he's too keyed up to sleep, that he's going to walk the ship until his nerves settle. It's not really a lie, he just knows he won't be back til morning. He's not surprised how hard it is to convince them he'll be safe, he's not going to sneak off to the Redemption and ask to die. He really just wants to be alone.

He crushes down that anger too. They're afraid because they love him. He shouldn't have told them his plan. That was stupid. He didn't want to lie even by omission, but now they're frightened of what he might do.

So they compromise: Cassian has to bring his comm, though he would've done that anyway. He has to wear his uniform jacket because of the tracker in it. He has to leave the two lullaby tablets behind.

He makes sure the comm is in his jacket pocket, makes sure the tracker's on, leaves the tablets in their little concealable box on the desk. That's fine. He never intended to use the tablets; he hopes he never has to. His only agenda tonight was exactly what he told them. They're just worried because they love him. He's still angry.

He's so tired of being angry.

Melshi gets the green sweater out of his footlocker and tosses it at him, smiles almost to his eyes when Cassian pulls it on. Jyn gives Cassian her necklace. Two tangible pieces of their affection because he's leaving them behind.

They love him. He doesn't want to be angry about that. He smiles, real as he can manage. It's worth it for Jyn's relief, the way Melshi smiles in return. And Melshi's shirt is soft and warm under his jacket. Jyn's necklace is a comforting weight beneath his collarbones.

All the same, it's easier to breathe once the door shuts behind him.

He goes to the nearest lift. Hits a deck at random. It spills him out into a dim, less traveled corridor. He goes left for no particular reason, passes a series of rooms with non-slip floors and exercise equipment. Most of them are unoccupied. The few beings working out at this hour don't spare him a second glance.

The last room on the left is empty except for the thick, padded flooring and a small crowd of practice dummies in one corner. And Luke Skywalker, going through close-combat forms with a practice staff.

He has his eyes closed, completely absorbed. It reminds Cassian of watching Jyn with her batons, though he can't see any of Jyn's ferocious joy in Luke's precise movements. Luke's expression is strained. He couldn't have been here that long, he only woke up when Cassian did, but Luke's hair is wet. His shirt is wet over his chest and spine. His breathing is harsh like he's in pain.

He probably is in pain, out of bacta too soon. But he's here instead of sleeping, pushing himself like this is some sort of punishment.

Melshi said Luke was out of control too, just as afraid. Watching him like this it's almost possible to believe it.

Cassian shouldn't be here, intruding on Luke's privacy like this. Except, Cassian wasn't trying to find Luke. He had no reason to come to this part of the ship. This can't be a coincidence.

Cassian clenches his fists, breath rasping hot and fast in his lungs. He's so tired of being angry, but he was summoned here. He must have been. Luke taking control of his body again. His mind. Whatever bits Cassian has left that might actually be his own.

It's not Luke's fault. That doesn't make it less of a violation. Cassian can't stand it.

Luke feels it. He startles, stops mid-step, eyes snapping open. He backs up, changes the grip on his staff like Cassian's going to attack him.

Cassian wants to. He won't. But he's so angry. "Did you call me here?"

"No!" Luke blurts, and now Cassian can feel his shock, the wash of shame that follows it. "No, I didn't…I wasn't trying…" He swallows. "I wasn't trying to call you."

"You did." Cassian grits his teeth. "I'm here because of you. You're not blocking the bond, Luke. I'm feeling your emotions."

Luke sucks in a breath. More shock, horror and shame. "I'm sorry!"

"I know. I can feel it." Luke's remorse is sharp enough to draw blood. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference. Cassian's rolled his hands into fists, so tight his knuckles hurt. "Turn it off!"

Luke swallows again, nods frantically. "Okay. Okay. Just, give me…" He sets one end of the staff on the floor, grips it tight with both hands. He leans his forehead against it and closes his eyes. Cassian feels his concentration, his anxiety, guilt and fear. And then finally, finally, nothing.

There's no relief. This barrier is temporary, like all the other times. Luke's still in control. Cassian's still helpless to stop it.

Luke lifts his head, wipes more sweat off his face. There's a red spot above his eyes from the staff. He shifts his grip so the staff's hanging across his thighs. "I'm learning how to block it better," he says, because he knows what Cassian was feeling. It's hell. "Chirrut's helping me. I'm sure I can make it so neither of us share anything unless we want to."

"I don't want to!" Cassian snarls, seething. "I don't want to share anything with you!" His hands hurt. He makes himself relax them. He's shaking like poor Melshi. "I want you gone, Luke! I want you out of my head! I want my life back!"

"I know that!" Luke tosses the staff aside, comes towards him. His expression is imploring, brutally sincere. "I know how much you hate this! I can feel it! Don't you think I'd break the bond if I could? But you'll die if I do." He comes closer. They're just an arm's length apart. If Cassian backs up he'll be in the corridor. "I'll learn how to control this, I promise. But, I can't break the bond. You're my friend. I don't want you to die."

"I know," Cassian sighs. "But it doesn't matter. It's like…" He hesitates, breathes. "I'm like a ship on life-support. I have been since Morlana One. I'm running on dregs. I'm trying to get home, but…but this bond is taking that tiny bit of fuel I have left. And I don't think I'll make it." He swallows. "It's killing me. It's killing me, Luke. I can't sleep. I can't control my own body. I can't keep my own feelings private. I can't stop you from…from coming in." He takes a breath. "And I'm dying. I know it's not your fault. I know you're scared I'll die for real if you break the bond. But, I'm dying now. And I really need this to stop."

Luke's eyes are huge. He reaches out. Cassian flinches. Luke drops his hand. "Kassa. I'm so sorry."

"I know." He tries not to be angry. More angry. It's like a fever he can't shake. He scrubs his face. He's so tired. "Just, please. Turn it off. Get out of my head."

Luke swallows. "But, what if you die?"

Cassian shrugs. "Then I die. I don't want to," he adds, because Luke looks horrorstuck. "But, I can't live like this. Even if you figure out how to…how to block it better. You might slip. One of us might get hurt and the other will feel it. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering when you'll take control again." All the coming days, weeks, months of it yawn ahead of him, like a black hole he'll never escape. "And I can't do it. I don't want to die, but…I can't do it. I can't live like that. I…" He grimaces, painfully glad Melshi and Jyn aren't here. "I'd rather die than live with this bond I can't break."

"Oh," Luke says very softly, eyes liquid. "I didn't…" He swallows, wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry. I can try to get rid of it."

Cassian blinks. "Right now?"

"Yeah." Luke nods. He glances around the nearly-empty space. "Can we sit down? It'll be easier."

"Sure," Cassian manages, numb with shock. Luke's in bare feet. Cassian unfastens his boots, clumsy with anticipation. Toes them off next to the wall. He yanks off his socks, drops them near his boots. Makes himself walk into the room instead of run.

Luke's already sitting near the back wall. He has his legs crossed with his palms on his knees. He watches as Cassian sits near him. "I don't know if you'll feel anything, but even if you do it won't hurt."

"Right." Cassian crosses his legs, puts his palms on his knees the way Luke did. "I'm ready."

Luke nods. "Okay, hang on…" He closes his eyes, goes silent and still except for the steady rise and fall of his breathing.

Just like before, there's nothing except their breaths and the expectant silence. And then comes the aching sorrow, loss and grief. The suffocating guilt and black, fathomless terror. Like a nightmare waiting in the dark.

Part of Cassian even expected it, braced himself for the cold and pain. It doesn't matter. His breath is still torn out of him, like being yanked into empty space. Cold so deep it burns like immolation.

It hurts. It hurts. Luke's pain. Luke's remorse, grief and guilt and fear not again not again please not you too not you too. And Cassian tries to ask Luke what he means except Luke's anguish is crushing him like a damaged X-wing. He can't speak, can't move or breathe. Can't do anything as the wreckage that was Biggs Darklighter is pulled down to the Death Star's surface and his best friend in the universe is particles and ashes but Luke has to keep going, he's the only chance the Rebellion has–

It stops. Luke retreats, throws up a barrier like a blast door. It's too late. Cassian's curled on the floor, trying to protect himself from agony that isn't even his; that's sunk so deep he'll never get it out.

"Cassian! No, no, no. Cassian, I'm sorry!" There are tears in Luke's voice. Luke's hands are on his shoulder, trying to turn him over. Trying to move him, his body.

Cassian has no awareness of reacting but Luke's on his back, arms splayed. Cassian is straddling him, legs hooked over Luke's to keep him down. Luke has red across one cheekbone from a blow. He's staring up at Cassian. His eyes are wet with grief and wide with confusion and fear. Cassian's hands are around Luke's throat. Not tight enough to kill. Not yet.

If Luke dies the bond will break.

If Luke dies–

Cassian throws himself off him, backpedals to the far corner, smacks the back of his head when he hits the wall. He needs to leave but he's shaking so badly his legs give out. He slides down the wall, sits hard on the padded floor. He shoves himself into the corner, pulls his knees up. Hugs himself, leans his head against the wall next to him. Squeezes his eyes shut. Breathes. Breathes. Breathes.

He almost killed Luke. He needs to leave but he's shaking too hard. He won't stop shaking.

"Kassa?"

Cassian turns his face away without opening his eyes. "Don't. Don't. I almost killed you."

He hears the creak of the floor as Luke sits in front of him, the wet rasp of Luke's breathing. "You didn't."

Cassian's blurted laugh comes out like a sickly whine. "I wanted to."

"If you really did I'd be dead."

Luke's right. He has to be right. Cassian desperately needs him to be right. "I can't tell anymore. I'm so kriffing angry, Luke. You keep…taking over. Taking my mind." He laughs again. It sounds horrible. "I never even met Biggs. I'm mourning a man I never met."

"I loved him," Luke says quietly.

Cassian's eyes snap open.

"Not like I love Bodhi," Luke says. "More like Leia. He was…Biggs was my best friend. My brother. I had my aunt and uncle, and I had Biggs. And, um." He takes a breath. "He was behind me, when he died. During the battle. I heard the explosion, but I couldn't–" He chokes on a sudden sob, claps his hand over his mouth. Clenches his eyes shut. It takes a few moments for him to wrench himself back under control. He sniffs, wipes his eyes. "I'd just found him again. And he died right behind me. And, um." Luke swallows, sniffs again. "I wasn't even numb, you know?"

"You never mentioned him," Cassian says.

"I couldn't," Luke says. "I couldn't even think about him." Another breath, like he's steeling himself. "I felt him die. Yeah." He nods at Cassian's sharp inhale. "I didn't know that's what it was. It was just…cold. Dark. Like stepping from bright sun to night. It hurt. I thought it was just…the shock of it, I guess. Until we were on Troithe and you stopped breathing." He swallows again. "And I felt you dying. And I realized that's what it was."

Cassian stares at him. "You felt it?"

Luke nods again. "It was like nightfall. Biggs was just… He was just gone. His light went out so fast I didn't–" His breath catches. He swallows. Blinks tears. "It was slower, with you. So I could stop it." He wipes his eyes again, pulls his mouth into a miserable imitation of a smile. "And then I made a Force Bond with you and kriffed everything up. And now I can't even get rid of it because it'll kill you."

He says it like it's a fact. He believes it. Cassian knows how deeply he believes it. Except. "That death you've been feeling…It's not mine. It's Biggs'."

"No! That's not true!" Luke says, vehement. "It's you! I–I was…" He stops. His face goes white, the red on his cheek like paint.

Cassian straightens, shifts so he can stand or lunge. He's not sure what he'll do but he's burning. "It's Biggs. Everything you've been…" His jaw works. "Everything you keep inflicting on me, when you try to break the bond. It's not for me. It's because of him."

Luke's chest is heaving. His eyes are enormous. "I didn't…I didn't know! I'm sorry!" He shifts as well. Backwards, out of Cassian's reach. "I thought… I swear I thought you were in danger!" He cups his throat.

It's like ice water on Cassian's rage. It doesn't cool it–he's incandescent–but it's a reminder, a warning. When Cassian stands it's to move farther away.

Luke scrambles to his feet anyway, backs up again. Cassian wants to reassure him he's safe. He can't. He's too angry. "Will breaking the bond kill me, Luke?"

Luke goes still. "I don't know."

"You kriffing Liar!" It takes the heavy thump for Cassian to realize he's swung his right fist into the wall. The pain comes a moment later, bad enough he winces, cradles his hand to his chest. "Kark. Karking hell." He didn't intend to do that. His body isn't under his control. He breathes, breathes. "You know," he snarls. He's in so much pain. "You know. Of course you do."

Luke swallows. "I don't! I don't know for sure, I swear!" His eyes dart from Cassian's face to his hand. He takes a step closer, reaching. "Can I–?"

Cassian bares his teeth.

Luke stops. Pulls his hands back. "I felt you dying, Cassian. Like Biggs. And…And then after Morlana One, when you were so sick…" There are more tears in his eyes. "Biggs was my best friend. My brother. And I couldn't save him. But I saved you. The bond saved you."

"I'm not your brother," Cassian snaps. "I'm not Biggs. And if you were my friend you wouldn't do this to me."

"I am! I am your friend!" Luke comes closer. Cassian slides along the wall away from him. "That's why I'm scared! I don't want to lose you like I lost him!"

"Liar!" Cassian barks. "You care so much about losing me? Huh?" He takes a step towards Luke, deliberate with menace. Luke steps back. Cassian squeezes his hand, focusses on the shock of his own pain, the darkening bruise on Luke's cheek. It helps. "What about me losing myself? I'm dying, Luke! I'm already dying!" He's shaking again. His hand really hurts. He grips it tighter. Better him than Luke. "If you gave a shit about that you'd break the bond. But you won't." He wants to hit the wall again; trade anger for pain. He knows how bad an idea that is. "A friend wouldn't do this."

Luke looks like he did when Cassian's hands were around his throat. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cassian." Cassian seethes, burns, says nothing. "I'll…I'll fix this. I promise. I just…" He winces, gaze dropping back to Cassian's hand. "You really hurt yourself."

"I know." He needs to get it checked out by a medic. Jyn and Melshi are going to be upset. They're already worried about him. He just made it worse.

He has no control anymore. He can't stand it.

"Do you want me to make it stop hurting?" Luke's already reaching for Cassian's hand again.

Cassian yanks it back into his chest, hisses at the pain, turns his body away from him. "Don't touch me."

Luke jerks his hands back. "Sorry. I won't. It's just…you're in pain. I can help."

"I've had enough of your help." Cassian stalks over to where he left his boots, holding his right hand curled against his body. He can't get his socks on one-handed. He grabs them, stuffs them into his pants pocket. He steps barefoot into his boots, doesn't bother fastening them. He's not going far.

He clenches his jaw, flexes his fingers, hisses. The bones feel weird, catching and grinding. He probably needs bacta. Jyn and Melshi will be so upset. Damn him. Damn him.

"You should go to the medbay," Luke says, as if Cassian hadn't thought of it. "I'll walk you there. Just let me get my stuff."

Luke's trying so hard. Cassian doesn't give a damn. "Just keep away from me."

He leaves, heading back to the lift. He can feel Luke's eyes on him the entire way down the corridor, but Luke doesn't come after him. He doesn't call him back. Cassian wouldn't respond anyway.

Chapter Text

Two days after Cassian comes home in the wee hours with his hand in a kriffing bacta cast, Melshi lies awake as he shudders through yet another nightmare and he thinks about Jenoport.

It's not really about Jenoport; It's about the aftermath. One of too-many scenarios he's tumbled over and over in his mind til they gleam sharp as obsidian.

This particular one is him strolling across the temple hanger to his best friend's U-wing, only to find out Cassian's dead.

Mostly he imagines Kay carrying Cassian's body out of the ship. Sometimes Cassian's wrapped in a blanket. Kay was protective enough to have thought of it. Sometimes Cassian's body is uncovered, if Melshi's yappy little hindbrain is feeling sadistic enough. It always looks like Cassian's asleep except for the exit wound, the gore Melshi will have to wash from his best friend's hair in the river. The way Cassian's chest never moves and never will again.

Only the details change. The agony is consistent. It doesn't matter that it's not real, that Cassian is a solid, living weight on Melshi's chest while he jerks and mumbles in his miserably restless sleep. Melshi's well acquainted with grief. It's clung like a shadow since he was ten years old. It lurks around everyone he loves. He's lurched awake often enough to know exactly how it would tear him apart.

He imagines Jyn dead too, of course. Of course he does. She's his oysha: the second star he orbits; every other beat of his heart. But right now she's sleeping soundly with her chest to Cassian's side and her chin digging into Melshi's arm. She's as worried and exhausted as he is, but she's not fragile right now. Not like Cassian. She's not going to break unless Cassian does.

Cassian might have already. He fractured his own hand two days ago. He said it was an accident, he was arguing with Luke and swung it back into a wall. Melshi believes him. He has to. The idea Cassian might have done it deliberately is unthinkable. But Cassian looks like he did when they met. He looks like he did before Jenoport. Melshi doesn't know where the line is between accidentally breaking your hand and purposely putting a gun to your head, but it feels terribly close tonight.

The thing is, the thing that has Melshi laying awake listening to Cassian breathe and thinking about Jenoport, is he didn't know how close to that line Cassian actually was then. Not until he said, Cassian. Did you try to kill yourself? and Cassian froze instead of denying it.

Partially, Melshi just wasn't present to know. They'd been on separate missions for weeks, barely on base together for more than a few hours before being called off again. And Cassian's always been a frighteningly plausible liar. He'd looked bad, like Narkina. And it's painfully easy to recall his dull-eyed, desolate silence now Melshi's facing it again. But when Melshi asked what was wrong, Cassian said he was just tired. It made sense; Melshi was tired too. And when Cassian grinned it reached his eyes, and Melshi believed him.

Naive, in retrospect. Horribly, pathetically naive. Melshi's tried not to make that mistake again.

Cassian doesn't lie to them anymore. He said he wants to live. He keeps saying it. Melshi believes him. But Cassian already admitted he can't live like this, that he's willing to die for the bond to break. Two nights ago he broke his hand. And even if he's not lying to them, Cassian might be lying to himself. How would Melshi even know? Does Cassian?

Cassian twitches and whimpers in his sleep, and the line between accident and purpose feels so terribly close tonight.

Melshi rubs Cassian's back, cradles his head, tries to project peace and calm though he's got none to spare. Cassian twitches again, more violently. Mutters something terse and urgent too low for Melshi to hear.

Jyn rolls to her back and sits up, pushing down the blanket. She rakes her fingers gently through Cassian's hair, murmurs, "Shh, shh. It's all right." She does it every time. Nothing they do has helped yet.

Cassian grunts, jerks like he's been hit, then goes still, finally awake. Jyn whips her hand back and Melshi yanks his arm away, giving Cassian plenty of room.

Cassian lets go of Melshi, levers himself to his knees. "Let me up. I need to get up." Melshi jerks his legs out of the way immediately. Cassian sweeps the blanket away, gets off the bed, goes to the wall and slaps on the light. Melshi's still grimacing at the brightness while Cassian grabs his boots out from under the bed. He shoves his feet in, then tucks in the cuffs of his sleep pants before he fastens them. His right hand's fumbling a little, stiff under the bacta wrap. Not quite healed.

He's acting like they're under attack. Jyn goes up on her knees to see him better. "Cass, where are you going? Cass?"

"Somewhere else." Cassian stalks to the desk. His jacket and Melshi's green shirt are draped over the chair. He snatches the green shirt and yanks it on.

"Where's 'somewhere else'?" Melshi gets off of the bed and goes to him. He waits til Cassian's shrugged on his jacket then puts his hand on his shoulder. He wants to hold him, keep him safe. He stays an arm's length back instead. Cassian's radiating Don't touch like a forcefield. The cloth of Cassian's jacket is cold, his body like steel beneath it. "You don't have to leave."

"You need to sleep." Cassian has his back to them both. Melshi can't see what he's doing, but the trays clatter as Cassian sorts through them.

Jyn gets up, pads closer. "So do you."

Cassian shakes his head. The trays clatter. "I'm sick of waking you up with my kriffing nightmares."

"It's worth it if it's helping you," Jyn says.

"Nothing's helping me."

Melshi winces because Cassian can't see it. He digs the fingers of his free hand into his thigh. "Tell us what will, then."

Cassian grabs something else, the tray clatters. "Letting me die."

Jyn gasps like she's been gutshot. "No! You can't!"

Melshi's hand tightens involuntarily on Cassian's shoulder. "Nobody's dying."

Cassian shrugs Melshi off, flexes his right fingers, grimacing. "It's the only way this ends."

"No it isn't!" Jyn goes as close to Cassian as she can in the cramped space. "It isn't! Luke will figure something out. Kassa!"

"We can't risk you, Cass," Melshi says. "Not like that. I'm sorry."

Cassian rumages, thrusts something into his pocket. "It's not your life."

Melshi swallows down the swell of anger. He's angry because he's frightened. So is Cassian. "It's not just yours either. Not anymore."

"You promised," Jyn says, small-voiced.

Cassian goes still, slumps. "I know." He turns around. He's holding the tray with the holo projector, tucked close to his body like something precious. He shoulders carefully past Melshi. "Don't wait up for me."

Jyn darts after him, snags his arm. Cassian stops. "Wait! Where are you going?"

"The machine shop," he responds, curt. "I wanted to finish this eight days ago."

"There's no hurry, Cass," Melshi says. "It can wait if you're not up to it."

Cassian turns around, pulling his arm out of Jyn's grip. "You think I can't put a projector back together?"

"I think your dominant hand's broken and you've barely slept in five days," Melshi says evenly. "Either of those things would make detail work difficult."

"It's not detail work. It's a simple reassembly," Cassian says. "I'm not going to break it."

Which is exactly what Melshi's worried about but didn't want to say. He takes a breath. "You won't forgive yourself if you do." He didn't want to say that either.

"I won't break it," Cassian says tightly. "I want to put it back together before something happens to the pieces."

"Nothing's going to happen to the pieces," Melshi says, gentle as he can manage. He takes a couple steps closer. "I don't mind waiting until you've healed up."

"And when's that going to be, Melshi?" Cassian demands. "When Luke finally gets his shit together months from now? I'm–" He stops, grits his teeth. Closes his eyes and takes a long breath before he opens them. "I'm useless like this. I can't do anything. But I can machine a part and put a damn projector back together without breaking it. So, let me do this for you. I would have finished it already."

"You're not sick, Cassian," Melshi says. "You don't have to prove anything."

"I know!" It's close to a shout. "This isn't about being sick, Melshi. I'm not you!" He winces, rubs the space between his eyes. "Please. I'm not trying to prove anything. I just… I can't sleep. I need to do something. Let me do something."

Cassian's begging him. Melshi can't bear it. He swallows, nods, digs his fingers into his leg. Tries not to think of Jenoport. "Okay."

Jyn puts her hand back on Cassian's arm, looks up at his face. "We should come with you, in case Luke falls asleep again."

"He won't." Cassian says it like he knows for certain. Maybe he does. He knew the last time he left after a nightmare. He shifts his arm pointedly in Jyn's grip. She lets go and he turns and stalks the rest of the way to the door. He stops before he opens it, turns back. "I won't do anything stupid. I promise. I've got my tracker and everything you want. I just need to be alone."

"You don't have everything." Jyn goes to the little nightstand and gets her necklace, comes back to Cassian and holds it out. He dutifully bows his head so she can fasten it around his neck. "That's better." She tucks the pendant against his chest, cups his jaw. "If you're not back by first watch I'm throwing you out an airlock."

The huff from Cassian's throat could almost be a laugh. His smile afterwards does nothing to hide how tired he is, the bleak misery. "I love you," he says to her, then lifts his head to meet Melshi's eyes. "Both of you. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. Of course." Cassian's going to the machine shop; not on another mission. It feels the same, like they might never see him again. It's stupid. Melshi can't shake it. "We love you too."

Jyn nods, swallows. "You're coming back by first watch. I mean it."

"I know." Cassian smiles at them both again. It's heartbreaking. "Go to sleep." He turns back to the door and activates it. It slides open and he's gone.

Cassian Andor is thirteen years old. He's in the Sipo Youth Detention Center. He's running.

He shouldn't have hurt Akleean, but this time the older boy came up behind him and yanked him against his chest, pinned him there and groped Cassian's dick like he had any right to touch him. Cassian had run the edge of his boot sole down Akleean's shin, stomped on his foot, elbowed him as hard as he could in the kidney like Maarva taught him, then punched him in the stomach when Akleean stumbled back screeching.

It was worth being electro-whipped in front of the whole barracks afterwards, even if he bit his lips bloody to keep from crying out. Even though his back and shoulders ached for hours even after the bacta.

He's not sure it was worth it anymore.

Cassian was put on kitchen slop duty as part of his punishment. It meant he was one of the last stragglers going back to his barracks. The sun's setting, violent purple and red.

Akleean was waiting outside the kitchen door. And he brought friends.

Cassian never thought about his size on Kenari, but he's small on Ferrix, even smaller here where he's one of the youngest prisoners. Akleean and his buddies are all sixteen, all at least a head taller than Cassian. Akleean has shoulders like Vetch and he's really, really angry.

Cassian pelts down the barren, packed dirt aisle between the barrack houses, flings himself at the salvation of his door. Tries to open it but he can't. The doors only lock from outside, but he can see faces through the grimy window, his barrackmates pushing the door shut. He shoves the door, pounds and screams for help. But no one wants to get between Akleean and his prey.

Gej gets to him first. He grabs Cassian by the back of his shirt and spins him to the ground.

Cassian lands hard, chin then chest. He's stunned, long enough for Kalk to grab his shoulder and flip him onto his back. And then the other boys each dive on a limb, pinning him down. They're grinning like Loth-wolves and he knows what they're going to do.

He fights with every bit of desperate, vicious strength he has. He gouges furrows in Gej's cheek, kicks Kalk in the groin, yanks out a bloody fistful of Olum's hair and bites Akleean's hand. This is real. It's happening. There's no reason to question why he knows he'll snap a bone in his arm, that he'll still keep struggling until Akleean kneels on him and wraps his hands around his throat. No reason for Cassian to question why he knows he'll jerk awake with Gej and Olum dragging his pants down. That he'll scream and scream and nobody will listen.

He's screaming now. He can't stop what they're going to do to him but he's still fighting. He kicks and thrashes, bites, gouges. Screams and screams for help that never comes and his arm is going to break–

"Get away from him!"

Kalk is yanked away like a doll on a string. Cassian doesn't look to see what happens to him. His right arm is free, not broken. He's too shocked to move.

So are the other boys. They're frozen, staring at Luke Skywalker striding towards them. He's in his flight suit, bright orange like a warning. He has no helmet, but he's gripping his staff ready to strike. He thumbs the activation stud and a short, blue blade ignites from one end. "I said, get the hell away from him." His expression is black with rage.

Gej, Olum and Akleean scramble up and run.

Cassian's on his back on the ground. No broken bones, no bruises on his throat. No blood on his thighs. Luke looks around quickly, deactivates his lightstaff. He crosses the short distance to Cassian and holds out his hand. "Are you all right?"

Cassian levers himself to his elbows, staring up at him. "What are you doing here?"

Luke still has his hand out. "I'm here to rescue you."

"Rescue?" He wasn't rescued; one of the guards took him to the infirmary the next morning. Akleean, his friends and Cassian were whipped on the parade ground that afternoon. Cassian got the most lashes because he did the most damage. His broken arm was self-inflicted so it didn't count.

Akleean didn't come after Cassian again. But he still leered, stood too close, grinned like he and Cassian shared a secret. Cassian would lie awake, horror and rage eating him alive, and imagine kneeling on Akleean's stomach with his hands around his throat; Gej, Kalk and Olum forced to watch; killing them too.

He didn't kill any of them. He was too small. The punishment for murder was 100 lashes. Anything over fifty would kill you. In the end Mimban took Cassian's revenge for him. Cassian lived because he ran. He went home and did his best to pretend it never happened. He might've told Kay, except Kay wasn't organic; he wouldn't understand. The first person Cassian ever admitted what happened to was Melshi. The second was Jyn.

Cassian doesn't question why he knows this either. Except when he looks around, the barracks with their moldy, peeling gray paint throw shadows from merciless double suns. The air is hot, the sky bright, terrible blue. Sand trickles around his body. "You shouldn't be here."

"I know." Luke takes a cautious step closer, still offering his hand. "I think we're dreaming."

Cassian sits up, doesn't take Luke's hand. "No. This is real." Except Cassian's arm should be broken. He should be half-naked by now, helpless and screaming. It doesn't make sense. Luke never saved him; nobody did.

This is a dream. It has to be. And now Luke knows everything.

"You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be here! Get out!" Cassian rockets to his feet ready to fight and something screeches and rattles as it spins across the floor. He stumbles, smacks his hand onto a wall for balance. Something else cracks under his foot.

He's somewhere enclosed. Narkina. But that has to be wrong. He was in Sipo. He's in boots, real clothing. In Narkina Five nobody ever left anything on the floor.

This is a ship. His ship. His new U-wing after he crashed the first one on Eadu. He's standing in front of the folded single chair next to the hatch. He's nearly thirty-two and he's not a prisoner and Luke was in his dream and saw everything. And Cassian just kicked his parts tray across the deck. He just stepped on something and broke it.

Cassian's heart claws into his throat. He lifts his foot, steps aside as carefully as possible.

Melshi's projector is sitting forlornly on the deck. Upside down, the way Cassian must've dropped it. Right where he was standing.

Cassian lifts it so, so carefully, cradles it in his palm. His hands are shaking like Melshi's. This is the most precious thing Melshi owns. The lens is fractured. Cassian turns it on anyway. The first picture bursts into weak light, pixilated and incomprehensible before it flickers out.

Cassian shuts off the projector. Stares at it in horror as if that could change anything.

It was fixed. It was perfect. Cassian cleaned and restored it, and the holos had been as bright and detailed as when they were first taken. He was just polishing off his fingerprints, almost content for the first time in days. Melshi was going to be so happy when Cassian gave it back to him.

He didn't want to fall asleep. Luke told him he'd stay awake over their bond. He obviously didn't and dragged Cassian down with him. Again. Cassian doesn't even remember closing his eyes, but now Luke knows about Sipo and Akleean. And the most precious thing Melshi owns is broken.

Cassian's next breath hitches. He stifles it with his left fist, bites a knuckle. Clenches his eyes shut and tries to breathe. He can't hold back the sobs wrenching out of him.

He sinks back to the deck, hunches over, clenching the projector to his chest. He bites his knuckle until he tastes blood, until he has to pull it out of his mouth because his nose is too clogged to breathe.

He wipes his hand off on his pants, leaving streaks. Wipes his nose on his sleeve, clears his eyes with his fingers then dries them on his shirt.

Cassian carefully sets the projector down on the deck next to him. He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the two lullaby tablets: innocuous, round-ended white cylinders rolling in his palm. The box for them is still on the desk in his quarters. No one noticed him emptying it.

He wasn't planning on using them. He doesn't even want to, really. It's just… it's a choice. The pills give him a fragment of control over what happens to him. If he swallows one he'll fall asleep and never wake up. The second pill is redundant, a failsafe. Every operative gets two.

Cassian can't be an operative anymore because he's compromised. He isn't sure what he actually is now, except maybe a liability. He's definitely useless if he can't even keep a projector intact.

Luke took Cassian's purpose from him, just like everything else. And now Luke knows about one of the worst things that ever happened to him.

It's not Luke's fault. He doesn't want to share Cassian's dreams. He has no control here either. It doesn't matter. Luke knows about Sipo and he's shit at keeping secrets.

Cassian doesn't want to take the pills, but he's done. There's nothing left. No strength, no purpose, no secrets. Just bits of him, fractured like the projector lens. He was so hopeful he could escape the black hole eating him alive. Maybe he even would have if Luke didn't drop the kriffing X-wing. But he has nothing left anymore and his stupid little ship is cold and drifting, sinking inexorably into the endless dark.

He wants to live. It's still there, beating deep inside like the frantic wings of a bird. But this isn't living; it's survival. It can't get better and it's never going to end. And he's so tired.

He wants to sleep without nightmares. He wants to keep his thoughts and emotions safe. He doesn't want to be helpless anymore. He wants his oyshanan, but he loves Jyn and Melshi too much to keep disrupting their lives. They can't help him. They'd be better off not having to try. And he broke Melshi's projector and he doesn't have the strength to fix it. Doesn't have the strength to face Melshi and his absolution. No strength for Jyn's empathy. He has nothing but fragments and a bandaged hand and he is done.

He doesn't want to take the pills. But maybe…maybe he could take one, just one, wait a bit and then go to the infirmary. If he times it right he'll get there just as the poison kicks in. There's no antidote, but they can restart his heart, probably. Bring him back. And if it works the bond will break. He'll be free.

If it works. If it doesn't…at least this will be over. Melshi and Jyn won't forgive him, but he'll be free either way. Either way he can sleep.

The ship's hatch groans, creaks like the Grappler's tower in a storm. Cassian gasps, whips around to watch the hatch crumple outward and then detach with a screech. It flies a few meters like it's been yanked on a string, lands on the hangar deck with a ringing crash. The artificial light floods in.

"Cassian!" Luke throws himself into the ship, jerks to a stop when Cassian rears from him. He backs away, puts both his palms out. His hands are trembling. "Please. Please, Cassian. Don't do it." He's anguished, desperate and horribly afraid. Cassian knows because he can feel it.

Cassian shoves the pills back in his pocket before Luke sees. "What the kark are you doing?"

"I'm sorry." Luke's voice shakes like his hands. His eyes are brimming. His distress is a weight. "I couldn't…" He swallows, steps closer, stops again at the threat in Cassian's eyes. "I know you…I know you want to hurt yourself. Please, please don't do it. Let me help."

"Shut up!" Cassian glances automatically out into the hanger. He and Luke are the only ones there, thank the Forest. The absolute last thing he needs is anyone else hearing this; anyone seeing Luke shake with fear for him. "You want to help? You just wrecked my ship!" He gets up again, stalks forward. Luke backs up so nearly the whole length of the hatch is between them. Cassian's so tired of being angry, but the anger's his. The one thing he has left that's separate from Luke. "You know the hatch code! Why did you have to wreck my ship?" His hands are clenched like in his dream. His right hand is tight and painful. The skin of his left knuckle is bleeding where he bit. "Force damn you, why do you keep wrecking everything?"

"I'm sorry!" Luke repeats, defensive. "I panicked. I was scared I wouldn't get to you in time."

Cassian blurts a hysterical bark of a laugh. "So you rush down here and wreck my ship because you're going to save me? You?" He bares his teeth. "You really want to save me, Luke? Stop my lungs."

Luke makes a startled, horrified noise. He backs up another step. "No! I can't do that!"

"Don't lie to me! Of course you can do that! You're a jedi! You kept my lungs working, so now you make them stop. If one of us dies the bond breaks, right? Right?" Cassian snarls when Luke doesn't immediately answer. Luke nods, his reluctance like a wall. "Yeah," Cassian grits. "Of course you can. So do it. Kill me. Stop my lungs so this bond finally breaks. Set me free"

Tears spill over Luke's cheeks, but he lifts his chin, sets his jaw in defiance. He crosses his arms. "I'm not going to hurt you. You're my friend."

Cassian's smirk is ugly and cold. "You already hurt me."

"I know." Luke's guilt is like stab wounds. He blinks more tears. "And I'd do anything to make it not have happened. But I'm not going hurt you again, Kassa." He comes closer until he's silhouetted in the light. "I think I can break the bond."

Luke means it. He absolutely means it. "What?"

Luke nods, head bobbing on his neck. "Yeah. I, um." His next breath shudders. He swipes at his eyes. "Chirrut helped me figure out why I couldn't. Before."

The sudden flicker of hope feels like pain. It's eclipsed by another spike of anger. Luke's eyes widen. He stops a new retreat through a clear effort of will. "You can break the bond and you waited?" Cassian says, incredulous and seething. His right hand aches. "You keep saying you're my friend, and you left me like this?"

"I didn't! I swear!" Luke says, frantic. "That's why I fell asleep! I was trying to meditate! To prepare myself!"

"For what?"

"For the pain!" Luke snaps at him. "It's going to hurt! It–" He swallows, swipes at his eyes again. "You felt it. It's like dying. I don't…" He takes a deep breath, lets it out, squares his shoulders. Cassian feels his determination, the fear beneath it like crumbling stone. "No. I can deal with it. It's all right."

He's lying. The fear says he is. "You have to be certain, Luke. Don't try this again if you can't finish it."

Luke nods soberly. "I will. I'll do it." He glances at the destroyed hatch, grimaces. "Do you want to–"

"Here is fine. Just get it over with." Cassian sounds angry. He still is. He's so tired of it. Maybe that can finally be over. Even holding onto his hope is exhausting.

He goes back to his spot next to the wall, sits down. The projector is next to him on the deck. Cassian runs the pad of his thumb over the fractured lens. Melshi was right: he's not going to forgive himself for this. He should have left it behind. He wishes he had.

Always so many things he wishes he'd done differently.

Luke lowers himself slowly to the deck, so close their knees are brushing. He lifts his nearer hand, hesitates. "Can I touch you?"

Cassian's internal response is an instant, vicious negation. It's just anger. He bites it back, nods. Anything to make this easier.

Except Luke already felt it of course. He closes his fist, opens his mouth then purses his lips instead. He drops his hand into his lap, drops his gaze. His misery is infuriating. "I understand. I'm–"

Cassian huffs a frustrated breath and grabs Luke's wrist, pulls his hand close enough to thread their fingers. "Like this?"

Luke blinks. "Yeah. But, you don't have to."

"I know. It's fine." He's too abrupt. Luke doesn't deserve it. None of this is his fault. "It's fine," he says again, as kind as he can manage.

"Okay." Luke flashes a tiny smile then closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath.

Cassian closes his eyes in echo then snaps them open again. He doesn't want to be blind and vulnerable.

"Alright," Luke says quietly, "I'm going to do it now. Just remember, whatever happens, you're safe. We both are." He takes another, deeper breath. "I'm one with the Force and the Force is with me. My past is over. It can't hurt me. I recognize my emotions and release them into the Force. I'm one with the Force and the Force is with me…"

The words sound like something Chirrut would say. Luke repeats them softly, over and over again like a prayer. It helps, a little. Cassian's palm is damp where it's pressed to Luke's. Both their hands are shaking in tandem, he's pretty sure that's from him. He breathes, breathes. It's too fast, he works on slowing it down. His chest aches. He doesn't want his tension to bleed into Luke.

If Luke can't break the bond, Cassian will have to take the pills. He doesn't want to but there'll be no other choice. He has nothing left and the bond will kill him eventually anyway; he's absolutely certain of it. Better to pull the pull the plug quickly than wait.

Luke's whispered chant breaks on a gasp and Cassian's entire being is flooded with guilt and grief and sorrow and loss and fear. He was anticipating it, Luke said it would happen. It still feels like death. He's sinking in it, drowning in freezing darkness.

It hurts. It hurts. It's not his. He still can't breathe.

Luke sobs, squeezes Cassian's hand painfully hard. It's nothing compared to the cold, black flood in his head. "I'm sorry. I-I'm trying–"

"Kriff." Cassian shoves himself closer, works his hand free. Luke's dismayed whimper hitches into shock when Cassian cups his nape. He tugs their foreheads together, grips Luke's side with his free hand. "You can do this." He breathes, deep and slow. Ignores the tears in his eyes. They're not his. He's safe, not drowning. "I'm here. I'm not dying. This is saving me, Luke. I'm not Biggs. You're saving my life."

Luke sobs again, clutches blindly at Cassian's shoulders. Their bond feels like the depths of space, like Cassian's breath should plume when he exhales. "I'm sorry," Luke gasps. "I'm trying. It hurts."

"I know it hurts." Cassian adds an edge to his voice. "You dropped an X-wing on your chest and you're telling me you can't handle a little pain?"

Luke grits his teeth. His eyes are clenched and leaking. He surges to his knees and hugs Cassian like he's a rock in the water.

Cassian sucks air, tenses to shove him away. It's just anger. He hugs Luke back. "I've got you. I've got you. I'm here. You won't lose me. We're both safe. You can let–"

It's gone. The guilt, the sorrow, the terrible cold darkness… Everything is gone so suddenly it's like being startled awake. Luke is a warm, trembling physical body in Cassian's arms, that's all. Cassian can't feel anything else from him.

Luke shifts and pulls back. He looks tired and sad. Cassian can't tell what he's thinking. "I did it. The bond's broken."

"I know." Cassian nods, stunned. "I can't feel you." He lets out a wild, ragged breath, hugs Luke again. "Oh, Force, I can't feel you." He sags into him, drops his head to his shoulder, clutches the back of his jacket. The relief is overwhelming, he's gutted with it. "Thank you. Thank you."

"No, don't." Luke's voice is wet. He pulls back again, wiping his eyes. His free hand is on Cassian's shoulder. "Don't thank me for getting us into this mess." He blurts a thin, awful laugh. "You almost… You almost died because of me. You really shouldn't thank me for that."

"I'm not," Cassian says seriously. "The bond was an accident. I'm thanking you for breaking it. I know what it cost you."

Luke shakes his head, still wiping his eyes. He sits again, crosses his legs. "You don't." He sniffs, wipes his nose on the inside of his sleeve. "I, um." He swallows. "It's like…it's like Biggs just died all over again?" He winces. "I know you're not him, but. He died. I lost him." He takes a breath. "And now I just lost you too."

Cassian frowns, shifts his body to make it easier to see Luke's face. Luke jerks his hand off Cassian's shoulder like he burned it. Cassian closes his eyes at the flare of irritation. There's nothing to be angry about; of course Luke would be skittish with him. But Cassian's still running on life support. Stupid of him to think that would change. "You didn't lose me. I'm right here."

"Yeah, but. Not here." Luke taps the side of his head. "And…you feel like him. In the Force." His mouth curls lopsidedly. "I didn't know that's what it was, before Chirrut explained it. But, you feel like he did. Warm gold and orange, like a sunset. And you're so much like him too. Like, how you're always teaching me stuff. And you always know what you're doing–" He ignores Cassian's scoff, "–and you're really good in a fight. And you're a great pilot." He laughs again and it sounds just as terrible. "And you put up with me. And it's just…" He shrugs, resigned. "You feel like him. Like you're my brother too. I know you're not," he says again. "You're not Biggs. And I know you don't want to be my brother. But, when we had the bond, you were with me. All the time. And I know you hated that!" he adds immediately. "I know it was torture for you. It was bad for me too. The nightmares were horrible. But, you were there. And it made it easier. The grief, I mean." He swallows. "So I couldn't break… I couldn't make myself break the bond. Because I wouldn't have you with me anymore." His voice goes quiet. "And it felt like dying. Like Biggs' dying all over again."

"And how you felt when it happened," Cassian says.

Luke nods. "Yeah." He sniffs. "I'm still feeling it, actually. Especially the guilt." He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "Anyway, that's what Chirrut had to help me figure out. So I could work through it and free you." His mouth pulls into another tragic smile. "I just hope maybe you can forgive me."

Cassian sighs, scrubs his face. "I want to forgive you." Luke brightens a little. "This was an accident. I know you didn't want any of it to happen."

Luke shakes his head vehemently. "No. I really didn't. I didn't even know I'd done it until Chirrut told me."

"Yeah," Cassian says on a breath. "So I want to forgive you. But, you took all my control from me. You took my body, Luke. You took my nightmares. You took my secrets." He leans his head back against the mesh of the folded chair behind him, closes his eyes. He wants to sleep. "There are three people in the entire galaxy who know about Sipo, and one is a mind healer who I told because I had to. I never even told my mother." He wraps his arms across his chest, forces his eyes open to look at Luke. "But now you know too. And I'm too angry to forgive you. I'm really, really angry."

"I won't tell anyone. I mean it!" Luke insists at Cassian's skepticism, then grimaces. "I know I'm bad at keeping secrets. But, Bodhi's told me things and I didn't tell anyone else. Not even the mind healers. And I won't talk about this ever. I promise I won't."

He's so earnest. Cassian wants so badly to believe him. "You told everyone my real name."

Luke ducks his head, rubs his nose. "That was an accident. Bodhi calls you 'Kassa' a lot and I forgot that not everyone knew about it. But this is different." He squares his shoulders, looks Cassian in the eyes. "I swear, I won't tell anyone about what happened to you."

"Okay." Cassian has to believe him, there's no other choice. He still has no control over what happens here. He's so sick of being helpless. He exhales, rubs his eyes with his fingers. Exhaustion is settling on him like bits of ferrocrete. He could lie down on the crew bench. It's a decent enough bed if he sleeps on his side. He glances to his left, the bright lights of the hangar pouring into his wide-open U-wing. "Kriff."

"I'm really sorry I broke it," Luke says. He turns around to peer out at the crumpled hatch. "Maybe I could…"

"We'll figure it out later." Going back to his quarters feels like crossing a sector. He'll wake Melshi and Jyn up too. Cassian hates to do that, they're nearly as exhausted as he is. But at least they'll be relieved to see him. He needs to sneak the pills back anyway.

He can barely believe he can do that: put them away like nothing happened. Part of him was sure he'd only get free if he died for it.

He bumps something when he gathers his legs to stand. Melshi's projector. He picks it up. It looks even worse in the flood of light.

"Oh, wow. What happened?" Luke asks, leaning forward to peer at it.

Cassian resists the urge to jerk it out of his view. "I stepped on it."

"You stepped on it?" Luke parrots, "how come you–"

"I woke abruptly from a nightmare."

"Oh." Luke looks away, runs his fingers through his scruffy hair. "'Cause of me."

Cassian sighs. "I know it's not your fault." He wishes he could feel it enough to forgive him.

"I'm sorry anyway," Luke says. "I swear on the souls of my aunt and uncle I won't tell anyone."

His oath is so dramatic, so desperately sincere, Cassian can't help smiling a little. "This was Melshi's," he says, tracing the cracks with his thumb. "The only pictures he has of his parents. I'd just finished fixing it for him. And now it…" He shakes his head, clears his throat. "I don't know if I can fix it again."

Luke grimaces in the corner of Cassian's eye. "Did you turn it on?"

Cassian nods. "Yes," he says instead of snarling it. Luke's just trying to help. "The images were pixilated and it shut off almost immediately. It might just be the emitter, as well as the lens. But…" But it might be completely karked and Melshi will lose the last piece he has of his family.

"I can look at it, if you want? Just to see if I can find the problem. I wouldn't try to fix it." Luke's face is guileless and earnest and full of hope. "I know I'm not as good as you at this stuff. But I've repaired droids a lot, and their oculars aren't much different from holoprojectors. I mean, I understand why you wouldn't want me to," he goes on because Cassian isn't answering.

Cassian wants to tell him, "no." It's a reaction as visceral as recoiling from a hit. This is Melshi's. How can Cassian trust Luke with Melshi's most precious possession after what Luke did?

That's just the exhausted, shattered bits of him. Luke is Cassian's friend. He's proved that over and over again. He's the same man he was before the bond. Cassian knows he can trust him, even if he can't feel it. And Cassian wants to forgive him.

So, "No, that's a good idea," he says, and hands the projector to him.

Cassian wakes gasping, jerking his head up and instantly alert. He whips his gaze towards a sound he doesn't remember hearing.

It's Luke, crouched well back, hands up and displaying his palms. "It's okay. You're safe. It's just me."

Cassian eases back against the bulkhead behind him. He nods, blinks a few times. He wipes his mouth with the side of his hand. "Wha–" He coughs, clears his throat. The back of his neck is sore; his head was dangling. "What time is it?"

"About twenty minutes to first watch, I think," Luke says. He smiles apologetically. "I wanted to let you sleep, but you didn't look comfortable."

"No, it's fine." It's not comfortable, and Cassian didn't want to sleep exposed like this anyway. He's just lucky the hangar still sounds empty except for the two of them. That will change soon.

He takes inventory. He's sore from sleeping in a bad position, but he feels better. Not good, but, better. Like he might have something left. He blinks again, looks at Luke. "I don't remember any dreams."

"Hey, that's great!" Luke's all bright-eyed and grinning like he means it. "I was worried you'd still have nightmares. Like, leftovers or something."

"I didn't," Cassian says wonderingly. He can't quite pull up a smile for it, not yet, but it was so good to sleep without bad dreams. He rubs his eyes with his fingers. With the adrenaline fading he feels heavy and uncoordinated. "I need to get back before Jyn and Melshi start worrying." Mostly all he wants to do is lean back and close his eyes.

He won't do that here. He shifts so he's facing Luke. Luke's changed his white shirt to something dark blue with a hood flopping over the collar of his yellow jacket. He must've gone back to his quarters while Cassain was dead to the galaxy. "Did you sleep?"

"Huh? Oh! No." Luke shakes his head, offers an oddly embarrassed smile. "I should've–Baze is gonna murder me–but I kind of got distracted. Here." He pulls a projector out of his pocket and holds it out.

Cassian takes it automatically, examining the curved, gleaming dome of the lens. The whole thing is shiny and clean. It could be brand new. "Is this Melshi's?"

"Yeah!" Luke nods eagerly. "Turn it on." Cassian doesn't. Luke's grin fades at Cassian's darkening expression. "What's wrong?"

"You said you wouldn't try to fix it."

Luke blinks, pulls back a little. "I didn't! I swear, I didn't fix it," he repeats when Cassian glares. "It was just the lens and the emitter, like you said. And they have loads of those in the droid shop! They're just lying around! And, they're super easy to replace. So I replaced them. I wouldn't've done it if it was a big deal," he adds sincerely. "It was just…" He grimaces. "You've had a really bad time lately. Because of me. And, you fell asleep while I was removing the lens, and I hated to wake you for something so simple. So I just did it myself."

"I'm sorry," he says a moment later, because Cassian still hasn't said anything. "I really wouldn't have done anything if it wasn't so easy. I just wanted to help."

Luke's trying so hard. Cassian licks his lips, thinks about everything he could say: all the furious accusations. He's tired of being angry. "Thank you," he says. "It looks perfect."

Luke beams, nods at the projector. "Turn it on so you can see the pictures."

Cassian does. He flicks through them slowly, looking for any glitches. The images are crisp and complete as if they were just taken. Melshi is going to be incredibly happy.

Cassian grins, light with relief. "You did a good job."

Luke shrugs. "You fixed it. I just replaced a couple parts." But he's still grinning, two pleased pink stains on his cheeks.

Cassian shuts off the projector, slides it carefully into his pocket. "I promised Jyn I'd be back before first watch." He looks around, remembering his scattered tools. "I need–" He blinks. "Oh." They're all back in the tray, waiting neatly near the open hatch. "You cleaned up?"

Luke nods, shrugging again. "Well, I was taught to always put things back where you found them. Unless they're in a mess. Then you need to put them back where they should be."

Cassian smirks. "My dad would've approved of you."

Luke goes still. "Really?"

"Really," Cassian says seriously, because it's obvious how much the words mean to him. "Both my parents would."

Luke grins again, practically radiant. "My aunt and uncle would've approved of you too." He stands up with only a hint of the exhaustion Cassian's sure he must be feeling. He holds out his hand.

Cassian clasps his forearm and lets Luke pull him to his feet. Up close the blue hooded shirt looks strangely familiar. Familiar enough Cassian recognizes it. "Is that my shirt?"

Luke glances down at his chest like he forgot what he was wearing. His face goes very red. "I, um. Borrowed it? When you were sick after Morlana One. Jyn said I could," he adds, a little defensively.

Cassian frowns. "Why?"

Luke stuffs his hands in his pockets, lifts his chin. His face must be boiling. "Bodhi said wearing your clothes would help you get better."

Cassian's frown deepens. "How?"

"It's supposed to confuse any bad spirits that might keep you from getting well." Luke shrugs. "He said they did it on Jedha all the time."

Cassian's keeps frowning. "The infection was two months ago." And Bodhi still has his pants and shirt from the Troithe mission, come to think of it.

Now Luke looks a little hunted. "Yeah. Um. You get hurt a lot?"

Cassian startles himself with a burst of genuine laughter. "True enough." He shakes his head, still grinning. He clasps Luke's shoulder. "I guess you must be my long-lost brother then, if you're stealing my clothes," he says, because Luke's his friend, and he's trying. And even if Cassian can't forgive him yet, he can give him this. And he wants to.

Luke lights up with happiness, like it's the best gift Cassian could've given him.

END