Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Patroclus' phone dinged. A text from Briseis.

Be there in 5.

He reacted with a thumbs up and checked other texts. The group chat had been quiet after some last-minute planning an hour before and his thread with Achilles' had not changed from his last text sent around lunch. Can't wait to see you win again tonight to which Achilles had responded with a heart. Then, through his socials. Achilles personal account had nothing new, but that was normal. He would be getting mentally focused. Pelides Official had a new picture though. It was a photo from the previous games with a smiling Achilles in his track suit sporting all his medals. The title read Four Years Ago or Today?

Patroclus looked at the other pictures. Achilles at the finish line. Achilles receiving gold. Achilles with his relay teammates, arm in arm, gold medals and smiles. Achilles' signature braid. Patroclus ached to look at it all. He was so happy for his friend, but the pictures just reinforced their long separation. How many times had they seen each other since high school? Maybe once a year since they attended different colleges on different coasts, not to mention Achille' parents moving out of Menoetius' neighborhood, so they didn't even see each other on holidays. And of course, Achilles' continued focus on training for competitions meant his time was at a premium. It had been a refrain when they were teenagers, and Patroclus had joined the track team just so they could spend more time together. He was a mediocre runner at best, but at least they could hang out during practices.

When they did see each other these past years, for a dinner here, a drink there, it was like they had never been apart. They fell into conversation easily, finishing each other's sentences, talking over each other, laughing until their sides hurt. They would smile and laugh so much Patroclus' cheeks and sides would hurt. And of course they texted often, talked when they could, and followed each other's accounts.

Sometimes Patroclus had the impression Achilles paid less attention to all that. After all, he was always off training, competing, busy. Then he would surprise Patroclus.

"You haven't put any new pics up in like a month," he said in a recent conversation. And was that an accusatory tone in his voice?

"Oh, I've been busy," Patroclus replied. "And you know, my life isn't as interesting as yours. Study, work, teach."

Achilles hummed a response.

"Grad school is not that glamorous," Patroclus continued quickly, apologetic. "Not like your life."

Achilles laughed. "Well, I guess some of mine is. I don't feel like it is when I'm icing my joints down."

But Achilles had noticed he hadn't posted, and so he took a selfie in the library the next day and posted it. Achilles had commented lol so glamorous with a laugh-cry emoji. It became a joke. Achilles even sent him some of his less ideal pictures.

His phone dinged. I'm here. Briseis. Oh yeah, back to the present. He grabbed the bag of snacks for the evening and left.

Briseis was parked illegally in front of a hydrant, head bobbing to her music.

"Hey!" she said in greeting as he climbed in. They hugged awkwardly over the central console. She smelled of fruity shampoo.

"I'll give you a real hug later," he said. Something about her looked different. "Have you changed your hair?" he asked.

"Wow, you're quick!" she said with a smile as she waited on traffic. "God, I hate Allston traffic."

"You drive here every day," he said laughing.

"Yeah, but I can still hate it. Anyway, yeah, I got a haircut, like a month ago now, but I guess I haven't seen you since... when?"

"Year-end party?" he suggested. They usually celebrated the end of the academic year.

"That's probably it. We need to get together more often."

"Well, you're the one who moved to the burbs."

"There is a train you know. Aren't you Mr. I take the T everywhere?"

"Regional rail is not the T. "

"Whatevs," she laughed.

"Anyway, your hair looks good, full, and... fluffy." He messed with it a bit, and she smiled warmly at him.

"Have you been to Odysseus' and Penelope's yet?" she asked.

"No, this will be the first time. They didn't even ask me to help them move this time. They got movers to do it all."

"Yeah, he's making the big bucks out there with his fancy office job."

They caught up on their jobs and summer courses, exchanged gossip on some of the other grad students and teachers, and joked around as always. A song came on they knew and they shout sang, laughing.

Patroclus always enjoyed being with Briseis. She was probably his best friend after Achilles, his partner in crime since they both chose to attend college in Boston while Achilles went off to California, and Briseis' best friend Iphis went to Chicago. In high school, they called themselves the four musketeers, and they went to their high school dances together. Achilles and Briseis had dated, breaking up because Achilles had to keep his mind on running, and Patroclus had dated Iphis. But they decided it didn't make sense to keep it up if they were in different cities for college. Iphis wanted to meet other guys, anyway, and Patroclus couldn't say that the breakup was terrible for him. Her friendship was always more important to him anyway.

It was harder for him to be away from Achilles. When they said goodbye before the latter boarded the plane, it felt like someone ripped out Patroclus interior. He was sick and didn't eat the rest of theday. Briseis even had a parallel loss to Patroclus since Iphis chose a school in another state and her parents moved away too. It was like they were friend orphans or something. He was happy to have her friendship, though. It was one anchor in an otherwise sea of constant change and uncertainty.

******

Odysseus' and Penelope's house in Natick was a cute cape with a tidy lawn. Inside, the colors were all whites and bright blues like a Greek Island, walls decorated with prints and pictures. The kitchen seemed like utter luxury with a giant white marble island, fancy stove and fridge, and space.

"God, I think this island is as big as my whole apartment," Patroclus exclaimed.

Odysseus thrust a beer in his hand with a smile. "We love it. We barely made any changes. It was just perfect. And wait till you see our den."

The same blue and white color scheme with tasteful black furniture and a giant tv screen. It was already on, an ad for an anxiety medicine was playing. Happy couples and families smiled at each other on walks and at dinners, in restaurants, on a mountaintop, running on the beach with a dog. "Ask your doctor if it's right for you!"

As always, Patroclus wondered if people would ask him about the medicine in question. He wouldn't be a doctor, he was studying to be a pharmacist, but maybe people asked them those kinds of questions.

Penelope and Briseis brought bowls of snacks in.

"Isn't their house great?" Briseis gushed as she took a sip of her hard cider. "I want one just like it when I grow up!"

They all laughed. "One day, when you become Doctor Super Counselor and you find the right person, like I did..." Penelope beamed at Odysseus. "It'll happen. For both of you." She nodded at each one. "I'm sure of it."

"Did you see the latest message from Ajax?" Odysseus said showing his phone. "Looks like they are watching at a bar in the Village."

Patroclus pulled out his phone. In the group chat was a photo of Ajax and Teucer, giant smiles, Teucer's thumb up, a tv was on in the background and a blur of what must be a bartender. Patroclus reacted with a thumbs up.

"We should send one of us," Penelope suggested.

They piled together on the sofa.

"Ow, Bri, your elbow," Patroclus exclaimed in a joking manner.

"Watch your knee, Pat," she replied.

They all laughed and pretended like someone was poking them and then finally Patroclus snapped a few pictures. They selected one to text, and he also put it on his feed. Ready to watch our friend win the gold again tonight! #Achilles #Olympics.

Immediately several people liked it, and a couple of early replies with smiling and heart emojis. His phone dinged as group chat lit up. Ajax and Teucer had liked his pic and everyone was exchanging drink selections and other details.

He checked back to Achilles' personal account. Still no activity. Pelides Official had a new post. Achilles in a track suit stretching, his signature braid artistically framed by a fold in the jacket. Ready for another win, it read. He clicked the heart reaction. His own heart had felt a twinge.

"Oh, they're starting again," Odysseus said raising the volume as the announcers chatted about different athletes.

"Pelides Official has a new pic," Patroclus announced. Immediately Briseis and Penelope picked up their phones.

"Aw, warm up time," Briseis cooed.

"He always looks good even in those god-awful track suits," Penelope said.

"Hey, no looking at other men's butts," Odysseus joked, poking her.

"A girl can admire," she said with a laugh.

"I don't mind the track suits," Patroclus said.

"They're just meh," Penelope replied.

".... I spoke with Achilles earlier today, let's watch," the announcer said cutting into Patroclus' attention.

"Sh, look, you guys, it's an interview," he said, sitting up.

Achilles looked so at ease, as he always had in these interviews, from the first one he ever did. Small smile, eyes bright, attentive, ready. Patroclus felt his stomach dip and his heart seemed to speed up. God, Achilles was good-looking. It was the usual, how did he feel about his chances of winning, what did he anticipate.

"They always ask the same shit," Odysseus groaned. Penelope shushed him.

Achilles answered as if he had not responded to the same questions over and over through the years. Maybe to him it was new and fresh, each race its own new experience for him.

"I'm feeling really good," Achilles said. "I did a few laps around the track, and I'm feeling loose and ready to get going, ready to take on the competition."

"Right, I'm sure. So of course you get a lot of attention for your signature braid. Is it true that you vowed not to cut your hair till after the games are over?"

"I taught him to braid his hair!" Briseis cried out holding up an index finger.

Patroclus laughed. "You remind us of that every time."

"Because it's important," she said, feigning an overly sincere expression.

Penelope shushed them. "Listen, you guys!"

Achilles chuckled. "That's right. I did it in the last games too, and really in between I only really got it trimmed. I haven't had short hair since, oh I don't know, when I was 12."

Patroclus smiled. Achilles was always attached to the hair, attributing to it some supernatural power. In any case, he held that it brought him luck.

"I bet you get lots of attention from women. Do they all like it?" the announcer asked.

Achilles' eyes widened slightly and his smile grew larger. "Some do, not all. I may be cutting it for someone special soon."

The camera shifted to a close up of the stands. Patroclus recognized Achilles' parents, but he didn't know who the attractive woman was next to them, chatting comfortably. Long blond hair, perfect skin, fashionable clothes.

"Would that be your fiancée?" the announcer asked. The shot returned to Achilles.

"Sh," Achilles said, finger on his lips. "It's a secret, but," he stage-whispered, gaze right into the camera, "Dei, if you're watching, I need the hair for a little while longer."

Dei. Deidamia. Achilles' new girlfriend? The one he'd only known a few months?

Patroclus mind shut down, and he didn't hear what the cheerful announcer said, taking in only that he turned to the camera and said something more.

"Fiancée?" Briseis asked. Patroclus looked over to see three shocked faces mirroring his own. They turned toward him. "Did you know?" she asked.

He shook his head slowly. Had Achilles proposed to Deidamia without telling them?

Chapter Text

            Of course, Achilles won the race. Patroclus cheered with his friends and teared up when Achilles climbed the podium to have the gold medal placed over his head as the national anthem played. But his happiness was tempered by a sense of disorientation. Was Achilles planning to marry this girl he had been dating about 6 months?

            He texted a message of congratulations and added reactions to several online posts, discussing pictures and messages with his friends, and he forced himself to put the announcement out of his mind as the celebration continued. Penelope put a dance mix on, and they all acted silly as they moved to the music.

-----------

            "Do you think he was telling the truth, or do you think this is some publicity stunt?" Briseis asked later that night as they leaned against one another on her couch watching animal videos. She had put on her mellow music playlist and had poured them a sweet liqueur that tasted like walnuts.

            "When have you known Achilles to lie?" he asked.

            She nodded with wry expression. "When we were in high school, you know how I got that really short haircut? Well, I asked him if he liked it. He told me, well, it will grow out again. I asked again if he liked it and he just shrugged. God, I cried."

            "Yeah, there was some outfit Iphis liked, and he told her she should trash it. She never wore it again. I actually thought it was cute, but he was pretty brutal about it." Achilles always said these things with a matter-of-fact tone. He wasn't mocking or intending to hurt the person. He didn't even understand that the person's feelings were hurt.

            "And of course we could never be serious," she singsonged as if imitating Achilles. "His sport was everything."  She sat a moment staring off before continuing. "I mean, I guess I appreciate it, the honesty?" She took a sip. "But sometimes I really wanted reassurance that he cared about me, not that I was second to his sport."

            "Yeah," Patroclus sighed. "Achilles is like that."

            "But I don't think he was ever like that with you, was he?"

            Patroclus thought a moment. "I don't think so. At least I don't remember one."

            They watched a video of a cat teasing horses in a field.

            Patroclus thought back to the announcement. "But he didn't actually say he was engaged, right? That was the journalist."

            "True, but he didn't deny it either. It looked like he was confirming it."

            Patroclus shrugged. It disturbed him not to know something important like this about his friend. "He mentioned seeing someone a while back, but I didn't even see any pictures of her with him or anything."

            Briseis hummed. A slow song they both liked came on.

            "You wanna dance?" he asked.

            She nodded with a sweet smile up at him. He stood and held out a hand to pull her up.

            They danced for a while, their heads touching. After a while this turned into kissing and they stopped dancing.

            "Do you wanna..." she paused and swallowed. "You wanna go to my bed?"

            "Okay," he whispered and she led him to her room.

------------------------

            Patroclus woke when he felt the bed move. Briseis was getting up to go to the bathroom. She wasn't wearing anything. He yawned and reached for his phone, sitting up against the pillows. A series of texts from Achilles about how happy he was, that he'd seen the photos and well wishes and they would talk soon. Patroclus smiled, feeling warmed. Achilles had clearly seen Patroclus' feed and liked the photo from last night.

            Briseis appeared at the door wearing a short silk robe. "Coffee?"

            He climbed out of bed and pulled on his boxers and t-shirt, made a stop in the bathroom, and then joined Briseis in the kitchen. She was scrolling on her phone as the coffee dripped. It smelled wonderful.

            "I don't think I have a lot to eat here," she said with a flick of her eyes over to him. "It's been one of those weeks, and I haven't been here a lot." Her expression conveyed how stressful the last days had been.

            "That's fine." He shrugged. "I could treat you. Casey's or PJ's."

            "God, I haven't had a big breakfast in ages." She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it to one side as she grabbed the pot and poured them two cups.

            Patroclus accepted his, put two spoons of sugar and stirred. He watched her face, as she continued scrolling and drank a sip of coffee.

            "What?" she said looking up.

            "Nothing," he replied, eyes turning toward his cup. "It's just..."

            Her eyes still on him, she took a seat, one foot on the chair and placed her phone face down on the table. "You want to talk." It wasn't question.

            "Well... only if you, like, do." He said fidgeting with his spoon. They sat in silence a beat. "I mean, it's been a while since we've, you know..."

            "Slept together," she finished. Again, it wasn't a question.

            "Yeah, I mean, I know you always said we were a friends with benefits sort of thing when we just, I don't know, needed something, but it's been a while. I mean, like at least a year and a half."

            "I know what you're saying," she said examining her nails where green polish was peeling. "I still feel the same. I mean, if you do?" She eyed him curiously as if looking for something she had missed.

            "You know that our friendship is the main thing for me."

            "Yeah, and same here," she said. "And last night, I thought you might be upset because of Achilles, and I have been going through it this summer, so it was like, what the hell, and anyway, you're super cute." She smiled and narrowed her eyes at him. He felt his cheeks warm.

            "You're super cute too."

            In response she blew him a kiss.

            "What have you been going through?" he continued.

            She shrugged. "Some is same as you. Grad school is just hard, and work is shit. I mean, I try to be upbeat, but there are some people there that are just.... Look, I don't really want to think about it today. " She took another sip of her coffee, eyes in the distance. "And there's this girl I like. She's in my research methods class, but I don't think she's into women."

            "That does happen."

            "But what about you with this Achilles situation?"

            He shrugged.

            "Well, are you going to ask him?" she continued.

            "Ask if he's engaged? Maybe." He wasn't sure he would. He already felt nervous thinking about it. Maybe if Achilles brought it up...

            When he looked up, she was examining him. "Did you ever tell him?"

            "Tell him....?" He gestured with his hand for her to continue her thought.

            "You know, that you're bi."

            Patroclus shook his head and took a drink. "Guys don't have all these touchy-feely conversations."

            She narrowed her eyes at him. "But still."

            "I meant to," he said, hands held up in a gesture of surrender. "Last time we got together. But I just couldn't. It's like we have so much to say, and he was so excited about the Olympics. And every time I tried, it just stuck in my throat. Like every other time. Did you ever tell him about yourself? That you're bi?"

            She shook her head. "But I haven't seen him since.... god, junior year of undergrad. I mean, I've posted pictures at Pride and of me with girls, so he might know. Or maybe he thinks they're just friends. I don't know. I don't know what he thinks."

            "He once asked me if we were dating," he said raising his eyebrows.

            "Who? You and me?" she asked, eyes wide.

            "Yeah," he laughed. "He said we posted a lot of pictures of us, and there were lots of side hugs and cheeks against cheeks and I don't remember what all, but yeah, he thought it might be something."

            She laughed and shook her head. "That's hilarious."

            "We don't tend to talk about dating other people. It's actually strange when I think of it. He usually tells me vaguely that he's seeing someone, and he sometimes asks if I am, and I always just say I've been going on dates, but I don't specify, and I just say that I haven't met anyone special. Which is true."

            "But you don't tell him you prefer blond athletic dudes with green eyes."

            "I sometimes see women too," he protested.

            "Yeah, but the guys, they all look like him."

            "I prefer what I prefer," he answered with feigned offense.

            She hummed a response and went back to her phone.

            "I'll tell him some day, maybe when he's safely married to Deidamia or whoever. Then maybe he won't feel threatened."

            "Achilles? Feel threatened?"

            "I mean by potential feelings." It made a pit in his stomach at the thought of telling him.

            "I see. So what about that breakfast you promised?"

Chapter Text

            He woke up with an intense hard on. Not the usual morning one. The feeling of Achilles against him lingered. It really was like he had been there.

            The Dream.

            The ghost of Achilles' hands on his body, his breath against his neck. He shivered recalling it. Patroclus could even smell him. It felt so real, Achilles saying he wants him, he loves him, they were meant to be together. Holding onto the remnants of the dream, a few strokes of his hand was all he needed to get release from the painful hardness.

            He lay there a moment staring at the wall, empty, when his phone alarm went off. Monday. Last week of summer courses. He rolled over to press the button. The morning routine and off to class. Work at The Whole Bean. A couple of asshole customers but generally fine.

            He worked on his final paper for Organic Synthesis and remembered the dream. Achilles' announcement and his night with Briseis must have triggered it.

            After dinner, he wanted to complete a segment of his final paper to finish his course, but he couldn't focus.

            He did a deep dive on Deidamia. A model, influencer, and aspiring Broadway dancer, she was gorgeous with honey blond hair, blue eyes, and a perfect body. Of course she would be a perfect match for Achilles. And she was apparently really wealthy too. While his friend hadn't posted any pics of them together, Deidamia had put several on her own feed: she and Achilles at the beach, arm in arm, all smiles; the two of them at some trendy bar sharing a colorful drink with fruit, wide eyes as they sucked on their straws; her on Achilles back, being carried, faces joyful. Somehow, these images had never reached Patroclus, and they left him feeling empty and dull.

            He closed the app and put on a playlist of music by The Strokes as he sank into a well of self-pity. What had he assumed? That his long-term crush on his friend was going to turn into some fairy tale of living happily ever after? That when he said, 'Hey Achilles, I'm also into guys, and I like you' that his friend would jump into his arms and say, 'the feeling's mutual!' So dumb, but maybe that was the fantasy underneath it all.

            Worry about his reaction was why Patroclus never told Achilles about being bi. Initially, Patroclus wasn't even sure how to think of himself. He had a crush on Achilles and he also liked some women. It took some experimenting in college to sort out his orientation. And sharing it could get awkward with anyone really. That guys might think he's interested in them, that straight guys would think he was coming on to them. That women would think he was too queer for them. And well, dating sucked. Already one gay guy he went on a date with told him he was actually gay, as if Patroclus didn't understand his own sexuality, and the guy wasn't interested until Patroclus 'figured himself out.' That was the last of him. Patroclus ended the date as soon as he could. He'd done that work, thank you. He didn't need some random guy telling him who he was. One straight woman had wrinkled her nose at him when he told her. She tried to be polite, but it was clear, she wasn't interested in a guy who was into guys. At least on apps, he could put his orientation there and avoid these comments, but it still came up on dates.

            So, what would Achilles do when he found out? He was sure that he would be accepting, but what if it created distance between them? Patroclus couldn't bear to lose his friendship, and he absolutely hated the idea that Achilles would look at him differently.

            Achilles called as Patroclus was thinking about all this. It was noisy in the background, and Achilles was understandably giddy on the call. To pull himself out of his mood, Patroclus had to draw on all his resources to sound enthusiastic. And he was happy for him, right? Why did it matter whatever he was doing otherwise in his life? He had medaled in every event he had competed in.

            "Congratulations! You were amazing!"

            "Oh my god, I can't believe it's over. It's been so incredible, really. But, I'll be back soon, alright? I'm going to be on the East Coast. We'll get together, celebrate. My treat."

            "That sounds great. I can't wait to see you and celebrate all your wins."

            It was so great to hear his voice. It gave him such a warm feeling, but it also deepened his ache.

            "How are things with you?" Achilles asked with the same excited tone as before.

            "Fine." Actually, he was near tears, and he felt stupid about it. There was nothing to be upset about!

            "Are you sure? You sound a little subdued."

            "It's fine. It's just a lot of work here."

            "Well, take some time off. Don't work so hard."

            When he hung up and put The Strokes back on, his chest was tight. He couldn't wait to see Achilles.

            He opened Pelides Official and saw the most recent pic in which Achilles was pretending to bite into a gold medal. Tastes Like Victory, it read. Achilles' braid was over his shoulder and his expression was pure joy. Patroclus smiled. The glint in Achilles' eyes reminded Patroclus of when they were younger. It was the same look he would get whenever he proposed an activity.

            He doesn't remember how they came together exactly. His friendship with Achilles seemed to grow naturally, organically somehow, when they were kids, and at some point they were inseparable. Achilles made everything fun, an epic adventure even if they were just riding their bikes to the convenience store, lying on their backs in the park to watch shooting stars, or making up a sport of their own with a kickball and a bat in the backyard. One of their favorite games was to build elaborate constructions out of Legos that they would make crash by shoving them off tables and down stairs, all with a breathless narration as if they were filming a documentary. Every person on the construction would have died in the accident except for a pet. They cracked themselves up every time with silly details about the breadth of the destruction.

            There was the time Achilles convinced him to shoplift at the mall. Patroclus was instructed to look innocent while Achilles distracted the sales associate. It worked too. They managed to steal an action figure. But Patroclus never felt good about the toy, and they never played with it. Achilles put it on his shelf anyway. It was just like him to want to attempt a stunt like that even though he had the money. It was just the challenge of it, the desire to see if he could get away with it. And he did.

            Patroclus suspected Achilles entranced people with his looks. He had angelic features, just like a Renaissance drawing of a cherub, with golden hair framing his face and stunning green eyes. And his voice. So warm and enveloping. Just a smile from him with minimal words and people would fall all over themselves to give him what he wanted. Patroclus certainly felt entranced. It didn't matter what his friend suggested, Patroclus always wanted to do it, always loved the expression on Achilles' face when he agreed, the happiness in his eyes when they were off on their adventure. Achilles' moods were infectious.

            And at some point, Patroclus recognized that his feelings were more than friendship. He doesn't know when it began, he only knows when the realization hit him in earnest.

            Weekend video games or movies at Achilles were a mainstay of their youth. His parents were always out and Achilles and Patroclus would be on their own with a stocked fridge and money for pizza. Achilles would put on a curated playlist, whatever he deemed their mood was, and they could turn it up as loud as they wanted.

            That night it was The Strokes. They sang the songs to each other, looking into each others' eyes as they pretended to play an instrument. Achilles always liked guitar. Patroclus was happy on bass. I can't see the sunshine, oh, I'll be waiting for you, baby. 'Cause I'm through. Sit me down, shut me up. I'll calm down. And I'll get along with you.

            They were winded and grinning when the song wound down. Even a silly thing like this, just singing a song he liked, it was so much better with Achilles.

            That night during a break from their game to eat, Patroclus got a text just as he up a new piece of pizza. Holding it awkwardly to manage his phone, he felt a tug on the pizza. He turned to see Achilles grinning as he chewed, eyes sparkling. Patroclus' eyes widened in pretend outrage. "What are you doing? That's my piece!"

            Achilles didn't reply, smile broader. Patroclus took a bite and then offered the slice to Achilles again. They shared the piece to the end without speaking, even the crust, and Patroclus offered him the last bite, which he accepted, his lips closing over Patroclus' fingers. His brain barely registered what was happening. They often ate off each others' plates, sharing food all the time, but something different was happening here. Patroclus didn't know how to interpret Achilles' expression.

            Not too long after, Achilles seemed to linger instead of heading to bed. They were lying on the floor, their game abandoned. Patroclus could feel himself drifting off.

            "You know, it occurs to me we'll be dating soon," Achilles said suddenly.

            Patroclus hummed in response, with just a flick of his eyes to Achilles. "You're probably right," he said after a beat.

            For the first time ever, Achilles seemed nervous, unsure, and Patroclus didn't understand why. "Well, I was thinking we don't know about making out."

            Patroclus was wide awake now, confused, unable to formulate a response.

            Achilles continued. "I was just thinking we could practice, you know. On each other. There'll be dances and, I don't know, other things, and if we practice, we would know what to do." He swallowed as he finished, gaze intense.

            "You want to practice making out? With me?" It was all he could think of.

            Achilles smiled and shrugged. "Why not?"

            They gazed at each other another moment. "I guess," Patroclus said. "It wouldn't hurt to practice."

            "Right?" The word seemed to explode out of him.

            "So how do we do this?" Patroclus asked.

            They wiggled closer to each other, eyes still locked, and Patroclus felt a laugh start to rise up. As it bubbled up, he felt Achilles' body shake with the same mirth.

            "Are we going to do this?" he asked.

            Patroclus convulsed, unable to answer or control his giggles. Achilles reached for his neck, and Patroclus found Achilles' side. He closed his eyes as they bent toward each other, and as their lips touched, another bout overtook them.

            "Stop," Achilles' whispered, trying to contain his laughter.

            "I'm trying," he responded trying to gain control of his breath. "Okay, I'm serious now."

            Their lips touching sent them into another round of giggles.

            "I thought you were serious," Achilles managed to say.

            "I am, I am," Patroclus replied in huffs of laughter.

            Finally their giggles subsided and they began to kiss in earnest. It was a little awkward, and Patroclus wasn't sure he was doing it right. Once their nervous laughter dissipated, their "practice session" got more intense, their lips parting so that their tongues could get involved, their bodies pressing together. His mind as overloaded and his body simply acted. He didn't feel in control and he didn't want to. He wanted friction. He wanted more. Their hands grabbed and he couldn't get enough of Achilles' grip on his neck and back. Patroclus shifted onto Achilles, who welcomed the movement.

            Patroclus didn't know how long it lasted, how long they rubbed into each other fully dressed, but he came and he suspected Achilles did too. The urgency gone, their gestures became more tender. Patroclus moved off Achilles again, but they stayed in an embrace and without a word they let their breathing return to normal. After a few more gentle kisses, they drifted into sleep.

            When he woke the next morning, Achilles was back in his room.

            A decade later, Patroclus still could recall how it felt, how those moments of "practice" were so much more fulfilling than anything he had experienced with others. He picked up his phone and set his playlist to repeat.

Chapter Text

            I'm coming to Boston. Let's get together!

            Patroclus' heartbeat picked up. He had put his phone on focus while he was teaching and was just now receiving texts.

            Great, when? he texted back.

            The text came a minute later: Next Friday. Top of the Prudential Building?

            Luckily he did not have anything firm. A lot of grad students gathered at a local bar for happy hour, but it was all informal and down to who was available. He texted an affirmative reply.

            Great. I have news and a question, came the reply with a wide-eyed emoji.

            Patroclus sent back a question mark.

            Not telling till I can see your gorgeous face, Achilles texted along with the shushing face emoji.

            Patroclus smiled, and texted back, you're the gorgeous one. Achilles responded with a blushing emoji.

            His mood picked up. He had something to look forward to, and were they flirting now?

            Since summer, he had managed to get out of his self-pity spiral. He finished his course with an A and the fall semester was underway. He had both a teaching job and several students to tutor, so he didn't need the job at the coffee shop. His manager was nice when he put in his notice and told him he would be welcome back even for short stints if he needed the money. And he had a weekly lunch appointment with Briseis. He hadn't had any new dates, but there was a new student that seemed to be flirting with him.

            So now, he pondered Achilles' news. He assumed it was that he was getting married, but what could the question be?

-------------------

            "Well, she is beautiful," Briseis said scrolling through pics in Patroclus' phone. "If you like that sort of thing."

            "Right?"

            "God, those eyebrows."

            She passed his phone back and he turned it over on the table. "I wonder if the news is he's getting married." He ripped a piece of naan and dipped it into the tikka masala sauce.

            Briseis took another bite of biryani and studied him. "Should I keep my Saturday night open for a support party?"

            He smiled over at her. "Maybe? Maybe it can be a celebration."

            "Well, you'll definitely have to tell me what he says. I'm dying to know what's going on."

            "Will do. We can go out no matter what and I'll fill you in."

            "It's funny, I really did think he was going to come out at some point, tell us all he was in love with you."

            "You've said," Patroclus sighed. They had had this discussion before.

            "I know, I know, I'm repeating myself, but you guys were always together. Everyone joked that you were attached at the hips. But it really was at prom, do you remember?"

            Patroclus did. It started at the dance itself. When slow songs came on, he danced with Iphis, and Achilles danced with Briseis. Then Achilles suggested switching partners, so Patroclus and Briseis were together. Then they switched again. Patroclus thought they were going back to their original partners, but Achilles grabbed his hand and pulled him close. The two girls giggled through the whole transaction, and he and Achilles had trouble keeping a straight face. As part of the "joke," Achilles pulled him closer to him, causing the girls, who were dancing about a foot apart, to laugh harder. Meanwhile, Patroclus felt like he was in heaven as Achilles' head found his shoulder. The smell of clean hair and something that was Achilles' own scent nearly made him lose his mind. Although they all played it as a joke, it was all too real, and Patroclus realized this was what he wanted. This man in his arms for always.

            That night, they drove to Long Beach Island for the traditional prom weekend away at Iphis' family's beach house. After a walk on the beach, a few drinks, and dancing, they found themselves sitting around the deck drinking and chatting. It was all so light and carefree, like the world was theirs for the taking. They joked around, being silly and making each other laugh, clearly all a little tipsy from the beer and ciders they had been enjoying. Patroclus felt light-headed himself.

            "I think you two should kiss," Achilles said out of the blue to Briseis and Iphis, a challenge in his gaze.

            The two girls' eyes widened and they giggled. "What?" Briseis asked.

            "You two should kiss," he repeated. "Give us a show."

            "You're kidding, right?" Iphis said.

            He shook his head. "Are you scared to?"

            Briseis narrowed her eyes at him. "Scared? No! But I don't think it's fair. Why should we put on a show for you and we don't get anything."

            "You get a kiss," Achilles stated as if it were obvious.

            Her mouth twisted in a wry expression and she pointed to the two of them. "Okay, but you have to kiss first."

            "What?" Patroclus was still processing Achilles' requests to the girls and was slow to understand how Briseis had turned it around.

            "You two," she said emphatically. "You kiss first, and then I'll kiss Iphis."

            He and Achilles exchanged a look. He didn't know what his friend was thinking. His gaze was gauging, apprising.

            "Okay," Achilles said at last.

            "Okay?" Patroclus stupidly couldn't comprehend the interaction. He stared at Achilles who seemed to be thinking much more quickly.

            "And it has to be more than a little kiss," Briseis said with energy. "Not like a peck or whatever, like a real kiss."

            "Yeah, one minute," Iphis said, barely containing her laughter.

            "Yeah, one minute, we'll keep track." Briseis pulled out her phone and opened the clock app.     

            "One minute?" Patroclus asked dumbly.

            The two girls nodded vigorously, exchanged a look, and fell against each other laughing.

            "Alright, let's do this," Achilles said rubbing his hands together and breathing out as if in preparation. Patroclus sat up straighter and inhaled. They faced one another, and like during so many of their practices, they giggled as they bent toward each other, unable to make contact. Each time their eyes met, one of them would sputter with laughter.

            "Come on," Briseis said with feigned impatience.

            "Yeah, get on with it," Iphis said. They were clearly both enjoying this show.

            "We can do this," Patroclus said, his lips turning up in a smile as he watched Achilles' amused face.

            Finally their lips touched and they began kissing in earnest. Their hands reached for each other's necks, and his tangled into Achilles' hair, soft and silky.

            They hadn't kissed since they were fourteen during those "practice sessions" as they called them at the time, and here, four years later, he found his mind slipping away, losing its hold on reality. He didn't want it to end. It was unlike kissing anyone else. Granted, Patroclus had only kissed three girls at that point, but still. This. Forever.

            "Time's up," Briseis said, and it was with difficulty that Patroclus pulled away. He gazed into Achilles' bright eyes and watched his friend smile warmly.

            "Okay, you." Achilles broke their hold and turn away, leaving Patroclus with a shaky breath. As Iphis and Briseis kissed, he barely registered what they were doing. He was still back in the previous moment.

-----------

            Even today, in his second year of grad school, over five years later, he remembered the dancing and that kiss, like he remembered the "practice sessions," like he was there in that moment, as if time hadn't passed.

            "I know," he replied. He and Briseis had a few drunken conversations late at night during their freshman year of undergrad. She told him that those kisses were revelatory, both of her attraction to women and of Achilles' and Patroclus' feelings to each other. Having heard her thoughts, he admitted his crush on Achilles. She was the only one he had ever revealed his fairy tale to, that once Achilles accomplished everything he wanted to in athletics, he would return to Patroclus.

            "I assumed he would come out and the two of you would announce that you were running off to Vegas to elope."

            "Vegas?" Patroclus sputtered, trying not to choke on his chicken tikka.

            She smiled broadly at him. "Not the right city? Niagara Falls?"

            "You really have an imagination." He shook his head and wiped his mouth.

            "I can't help it I'm a romantic."

            "That's what we'll go with," he said with a wry smile.

            "Hey, I met someone!" she said, her eyes lighting up.

            "Oh yeah, tell me more." He was glad to move on from the conversation about an alternate life in which he and Achilles got married.

            "I met her at trivia night a couple weeks ago."

------

            The rest of the week passed in a blur. He and Achilles exchanged fewer texts than usual, and Achilles' social media was less active. The last pictures were from his trip to Paris after the games, but that dated back to early September. Pelides Official only posted pics and stories of competitions, and with the Olympics over, they only put something up once a week. Right now, they had a recent magazine cover featuring Achilles and the relay team with their gold medals. Deidamia's feed was more active, but there weren't many pictures of Achilles there. The last one she had posted of them was a selfie at a restaurant.

            Patroclus' played scenarios in his mind of what news Achilles had and how he would react. He got his hair cut and worried about his wardrobe. Nothing he had seemed to communicate what he wanted, but finally he settled on a green button-down shirt and some black slacks and shoes. He hoped it looked okay, and he felt anxious and excited as he rode the elevator to the top of the Pru.

            Achilles was already there in a corner, looking stunning in a red shirt and black jacket and pants, maybe they were designer? He stood up to greet Patroclus and they hugged a long time. Patroclus took in the warm solidity of his arms and the intoxicating scent of a after-shave. It was with some difficulty that he pulled out of the embrace.

            "God, it's good to see you." Eyes bright, pure joy on his face. Patroclus had missed this face.

            "I know, it's been forever," Patroclus answered. "But I guess worth it since you won the Olympics. Now that you've won all the medals at two Olympics can I still call you by your first name?"

            Achilles laughed and turned to watch a waiter approach, and Patroclus realized there was something different about him.

            "I ordered us some champagne," Achilles said as the waiter opened the bottle and poured two glasses. Achilles finished the last sip of a brown drink and handed the glass to the waiter. "Thank you." He rubbed his hands together and looked up at Patroclus.

            "Your hair," Patroclus said, stunned. "You cut it."

            Achilles looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, it was time."

            "But, you cut it all off."

            "Yeah, Deidamia didn't like it. She thinks short is more professional, so I had it cut off as a braid and I'm having it framed." He unlocked his phone to show Patroclus a picture of Achilles holding the braid in one hand and pointing with the other. He had a silly expression on his face. He put his phone down and then moved his head so Patroclus could admire. "So, what do you think?"

            Achilles always looked gorgeous no matter what, but Patroclus had to admit he preferred the longer hair. Maybe it was just what he was used to. That was his Achilles.

            "You look good. It will take a while to adjust."

            "So, a toast," Achilles picked up his glass and motioned to Patroclus to take his as well. "To best friends with or without long hair."

-------------

            They were quickly back into the rhythm of who they were, reminiscing, talking about their lives. Of course, Achilles had more exciting stories. Of the games. Of his trip to Paris. He told hilarious stories about his teammates that had Patroclus in stitches. But he took an interest in Patroclus' life and listened as if it were as interesting as running the 100 meters in record time. And Patroclus caught him up on news of their friends.

            "The view from here is spectacular," Achilles said as they took a moment to watch the sunset.

            "Yeah, we used to come up here from time to time when I was an undergrad." The deep red of the western sky was giving way to purplish dusk.

            "I do have some good news that might mean I'll get to see everyone more often," Achilles said sitting back down and pouring himself more champagne. "Let's get another one of these." He gestured to the waiter.

            "I can't wait to hear it," Patroclus said, growing nervous. He palms seemed sweaty all of a sudden.

            Achilles paused dramatically. "I'm moving back to the east coast."

            Patroclus was floored. "Really? You're coming back here?"

            Achilles nodded. "I'll be down in New York actually, but it's not that far to Boston. I can come up all the time."

            Patroclus felt his pulse race. This was better news than he had anticipated! "That's great! What are you going to be doing?" The waiter returned with a new bottle and refilled their glasses.

            "I've received a job offer in some finance company thing," he said, gesturing as if to compensate for the imprecise wording of his answer.

            "Finance?" Patroclus laughed. "Wasn't your degree in sports communication?"

            Achilles joined him in laughter. "Yeah, I don't know all that much about finance really, but Dei's father, Deidamia, you know, the girl I've been seeing, her father is like the CEO or something and her brothers work for him too, so." He shrugged.

            "Deidamia?" Patroclus' stomach plummeted. "So that's serious?"

            Achilles avoided Patroclus' gaze. He finished his glass and poured more champagne. "Yeah," he said after a moment. He looked out the windows at the lights of the city. "I guess I have another piece of news in that regard."

            Patroclus steeled himself.

            "You're getting married," he said trying to make eye contact.

            Achilles' gaze shifted back to meet Patroclus' and he took another drink. "Yeah, how did you guess?"

            Patroclus barked a laugh. "You about said as much at the Olympics."

            "Oh that's right," Achilles said drinking again. "Yeah, well, it became something of a rumor somehow and then I thought, yeah why not? And then Dei's father made this job offer, and it all seemed to come together. Have you seen her?"

            "Who? Deidamia? I saw her socials."

            "Isn't she gorgeous? Did you know she's a model and she has a make-up line and her family is mega rich, like richer than my family. She was even in some show on Broadway. I mean, like just dancing. She dances." He picked up his phone and started showing Patroclus pictures of the two of them and her alone. "Her parents bought her this apartment on the Upper West Side, look. It's amazing. They have a house in the Hamptons, apartments in Paris and Tokyo. They also own something in Qatar. Have you ever been to Qatar?"

            "Sounds great." Patroclus was impressed, but it sounded so far away from his life.

            "Oh, it is. And this job, it's just incredible. I'll still be able to compete and maybe I'll be in the Olympics a third time. They pretty much said I could."

            Patroclus emptied his glass and watched his friend's enthusiastic expression as he gushed about his soon-to-be wonderful life. Achilles filled both their glasses.

            "Well, that's why the champagne," he explained. He seemed flushed and his eyes were a little glassy now. Patroclus had some catching up to do. He wanted to be a little drunker than he was to continue taking it all in. "And I have a question for you."

            "Okay."

            "Will you be my best man?" He met Patroclus' gaze with an earnest expression.

            "Of course I'll be your best man," Patroclus said softly. "Anything for you."

            Achilles seemed genuinely moved. "Great. I'm glad you agreed."

            "Did you think I wouldn't?"

            Achilles shrugged with a sheepish grin. "I don't know. I thought you might think... nothing. Never mind."

            What was he about to say? Patroclus briefly thought about probing but decided against it.

            "So let's toast again." Patroclus raised his glass. "To your new life."

Chapter Text

chapter 5

            "Well, that's it," Patroclus announced after he relayed the events of his evening with Achilles. "No more emo shit. It's time to move on."

            Briseis smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry."

            As promised, she set aside the night for them and came to hang out at his place. While they waited for their food to arrive, they had poured a couple drinks and Patroclus had put a playlist of broken heart songs on.

            "I can't believe he cut his hair!" She exclaimed pouring more wine into their glasses.

            "He still looks gorgeous," he said miserably. "He said he did it for her. She wanted it short and thought he looked more professional. I guess he does." He still preferred Achilles with longer hair.

            "Listen, I bet she is the most unhappy person on earth," she said in an exaggerated tone. "And she spreads that unhappiness to everyone, so even though she is drop dead gorgeous and filthy rich, she has a shitty life." He sputtered with laugher as she pretended innocence. "Too mean?" She chuckled too.

            "It is fun to imagine she isn't perfect," he admitted. Of course he didn't wish that on Achilles, but Briseis being on his side made him feel better. "But really, Achilles is and has always been a friend. End of."

            "Still," she said with a pointed look.

            "I know, it was always there in the back of my head," Patroclus exclaimed. "When Achilles would finally be done with focusing on athletics, he would..." he couldn't finish the sentence about his fairy tale. "Anyway, he's up here on the east coast and we'll get to visit often. I just have to move on emotionally."

            They sat for a moment in silence as Patroclus let the dull pain in his stomach settle. He had to find a way to get past it and accept that this was his life. And there was no reason to continue wallowing in this fantasy.

            "Alright, alright," he continued, slapping his palms on his thighs. "I want to hear more about this girl you're dating. When do I get to meet her?"

            "You're gonna love her," she gushed taking a sip of wine. "She's so cute and fun. What do you think of rock climbing? She's really into it, and we can do that one Saturday morning together?"

***********

            He threw himself into his studies, his teaching, some activities with fellow grad students. It turned into a year of wedding announcements. After Achilles, their friends Helen and Paris announced a wedding for the next year, and Penelope and Odysseus said they would get married the following year. Some friends from grad school also had gotten engaged. He worried how he would afford all the gifts.

            He still had sex dreams about Achilles and when he woke they lingered in his body. He recalled that kiss during prom weekend and of course their "practice sessions."  How many times did they do them anyway? A few, but they seemed so vivid as if they happened more often. "Do you want to practice?" asked late at night, after they were tired of their game or movie. They didn't do anything but kiss and rub against each other. They never discussed what they did, and if the topic of dating came up, it was always about what girls they would be interested in. Achilles was more precocious in this regard, naming specific girls he liked. Patroclus looked at girls and found them attractive enough, but he really preferred to spend time with Achilles. Through it all, Achilles was always saying he had to focus on his athletics. "I can't get sidetracked by romance!"

            It was in high school that Patroclus started having these sex dreams. It was a little disturbing and disorienting. They felt so real, and he woke up aching and hard. It would take little to make himself come, and then he would hug his pillow. 'Maybe I'll grow out of this,' he thought. 'Once I get a girlfriend.'

            But now he wondered if he ever would. Maybe when he found a person to share his life with more permanently. At least he hoped.

**************

            Even though Achilles now lived on the east coast, they didn't see each other that often.  We'll see each other all the time turned into we'll see each other every few weeks or even months. Just the same with so many friends. Adulthood brought so many responsibilities, and everyone was now scattered in different places.

            Achilles' next visit next occurred a month later just before the Thanksgiving holiday. They met in a fancy restaurant on Tremont and went to a bar after. Achilles paid for everything, and as in their first visit, he talked about how much money he was making and how beautiful Deidamia was. Luckily, most of their conversation was joking around, reminiscing, talking about shows and movies they liked. They drank way too much, more than Patroclus was used to.

            "What are you doing for the holidays?" Patroclus asked at one point, hoping that they would be able to spend more time together.

            "Let's see, Thanksgiving, Dei's family goes to Paris. Then Christmas, we're off to Japan."

            Patroclus was wide-eyed. "Wow, that's a lot of time away."

            "My parents are coming. They reconciled over shared luxury trips." He laughed into his drink and almost choked. Patroclus giggled with him. "Are you going to see your father?" Achilles asked when they were serious again.

            "I haven't decided yet," Patroclus replied. "I'm not sure I'm up for that."

            "Yeah, well, your dad is a prick," Achilles said laughing. "What was that game he yelled at you for buying?"

            And they were off talking about their teen years again.

            This is good, Patroclus thought the next day. I can handle this. I'm doing good as just friends.

*********

            The end of the fall semester was uneventful. He had a nice Friendsgiving with Odysseus and Penelope instead of going to New Jersey to listen to his father hassle him about money and his life choices. With finals around the corner, he was very busy.  The students he tutored asked for extra sessions to get ready for their exams, and his own students wanted office hours. Between that and his own projects, he didn't have much time for any thoughts not focused on school, and he didn't see or talk to Achilles who was off traveling anyway.

            At a year-end party he met an MIT student names Jason who was smart and cute and could maybe help him move on from his crush on Achilles. Briseis teased him that it was another in his line of blond-haired athletic types, even if Jason had blue eyes not green.

            He decided to visit his father at Christmas even though he dreaded the inevitable lectures and questioning why he had chosen the academic path he had. And whether or not he was going to get married and produce a family. He didn't know why his father cared. He was hardly a good father. Why did he want grandchildren?

            But lots of his friends were settling down, and it was something that weighed on him.

            "I think I should just settle for someone," he told Briseis as they drove to New Jersey for the holidays. "Like, maybe I'm just too demanding about what I want. No one's perfect."

            She shook her head and made a sarcastic face. "What are you talking about? You shouldn't settle? Anyway, you aren't even 24 yet. There's time." She took a hand off the wheel to give him a gentle shove.

            "So many of our friends are getting married," he objected, feeling defeated.

            "So? It's not your time yet."

            "And things are getting serious with you and Chryseis."

            Her expression softened. "Yeah, she's really great."

            She was. Patroclus finally got a chance to meet her. She was a short blond-haired, blue-eyed energetic woman who worked in HR at a local college and was interested in photography. They had spent a fun morning at a rock-climbing gym, and Patroclus found he really enjoyed the activity as well as meeting Chryseis.

            "You're so lucky," he said in a groan.

            "You'll find someone," she said poking him. "Maybe this Jason will work out."

            "Dating sucks."

            "Try Grindr," she joked.

            "Are you kidding me?" he said incredulously. "I did that like a year ago. Do you know I messaged one guy and he was like the front door is open. I'm in the bedroom. I went in. He looked nothing like his profile. He was already totally naked and I'm not sure he had showered. I was totally grossed out."

            Actually, Patroclus wasn't good at random hookups. He really wanted a relationship. The few times he slept with Briseis weren't like one-night stands. They had a good friendship, and the intimacy meant something. Real hookups just left him feeling empty. He thought the app was a good name because he felt ground up. So he deleted it.

            "But did you go in to him?"

            "No! I lost all interest when I saw what he looked like."

            "Maybe he was the sweetest guy." She tried to hold back a laugh.

            "You wouldn't say that if you had smelled him. "

            She laughed even harder, and he couldn't help but join her.

***********

            January brought extra studying as he prepared for Master's exams which would serve not only to grant him that degree but allow him to continue working toward the Doctor of Pharmacy.

            While he was studying in the library, he saw a text from Achilles. Talk now?

            He immediately grabbed his jacket and stood up, wanting to kick himself for being so responsive. He was supposed to be growing out of this feeling. Oh well, he thought as he sighed and texted back sure. He hurried to the entrance and almost fell down the stairs trying to put on his jacket and keep a hold of his phone, which lit up as soon as he was outside.

            "Hey, what's going on?" Achilles said loudly. Was he already drinking? There was something in his voice that wasn't quite a slur but it sounded thick. It was only two o'clock.

            "Nothing, studying."

            "Anything interesting?"

            "Today it's General Aspects of Pharmacology."

            "You sound so smart when you talk like that." It almost sounded flirty, and it made Patroclus warm up even though he knew Achilles was teasing.

            "So what's up with you? Are you back from Japan?" Patroclus had seen all the family photos from his trips with Deidamia and her family on her socials.

            "Yeah, I'm thinking of coming to Boston tonight? Wanna hang out? I can tell you all about it."

            Patroclus looked out at the gray day barely taking in the students walking hunched over in the cold. He was supposed to see Jason later and anyway going out with Achilles would mean drinking. A lot. But it would mean seeing Achilles. No, he couldn't do this to Jason. And he really didn't need to drink that much. And he needed to study today and tomorrow. And he was supposed to be growing out of this feeling!

            "Yeah, I would really love too, but I kind of already have plans."

            "Oh."

            Patroclus hated that he might be disappointing him, so he quickly said, "When are you coming next? Maybe then?"

            "I don't know, soon, probably."

            "The thing is, I'll have exams a couple weeks after the semester begins. If you want, you can come when they're over and we can celebrate that?"

            "That's a great idea! I know you're going to ace those tests. It'll be like me at the games."

            "I don't know about that."

            "Well, I do." He definitely sounded drunk. "You'll ace this General... what did you say you're studying?"

            "General Aspects of Pharmacology. That's just one of the exams."

            "Yeah, well, you'll get a gold medal in it."

            The confidence Achilles had in him made him feel wonderful. "They don't give gold medals for exams," he chuckled.

            "Gold star then."

            "Am I in kindergarten?" he laughed

            "You'll get a gold something!" Achilles declared joining him in his laughter.

            "Right, a gold something. Look, I have to get back to studying."

            "Okay, we'll text."

            "Yeah, we'll text."

**********

            He next saw Achilles in April. Patroclus was relaxed. He'd passed his exams and was admitted to Ph.D. program with extra financial support, and tonight they were finally going to celebrate at a French restaurant on Tremont.

            For once, Achilles hadn't started drinking, but he did have a bottle of champagne on ice. He stood up to hug, and Patroclus was happy for a long embrace. As always, he enjoyed the feel of Achilles' body against his own, and Patroclus wanted it to be forever.

            "Am I going to have to call you doctor from now on?" Achilles asked with a huge grin.

            "This is just a master’s degree, and I'm not even done with that yet. This summer."

            "Still, it's great." A waiter poured champagne into their glasses, and they toasted.

            "Well, my professors are happy," Patroclus said. He was still excited about all their positive feedback. "There's this one professor who's like really tough, the hardest grader. He praised my analyses and said I expressed myself really well."

            "I told you you'd get a gold star," Achilles said with a twinkle in his eye. "You got the gold scholarship or whatever."

            "Research assistantship."

            "That. And what did Menoetius say?" Achilles asked with a wry expression. "You did tell him, didn't you?"

            Patroclus huffed. "When I told him that my exams were given the highest marks and earned me a bigger scholarship and research assistantship, he asked if that was a big deal."

            "What?" Achilles blinked and shook his head with amazement. "I mean your dad always was the worst."

            "You're telling me." It was still upsetting to think about his reaction. "He said, I'm in a participation trophy generation and that he thought these assistantships were handed out like candy. I tried to say that not everyone gets one, that this was an honor, but he just scoffed at that. Anyway, do we have to talk about my father? He's always asking when I'll finish and how much debt I'm in. He's not even paying for any of this. I only call him every couple months to let him know I'm alive."

            "Well, let's not talk about him anymore. Let's toast again to you and to your independence from that idiot."

            "I'll drink to that."

            "And let's get another bottle."

            They were both feeling very relaxed from the champagne, and the conversation moved to details about the wedding. Achilles pulled out a phone to look at details about various dates for pre-ceremony events and planning. He knew surprisingly little about it.

            "Anyway, this is all Dei's deal," he said at one point. "I'm just going along."

            "But it's your wedding too."

            He shrugged. "What do they say? It's really all about the bride."

            "Oh is that what they say? Who is they anyway?"

            "Good question, I would like to have a word with they. Let's drink to they!"

            They clinked glasses as they laughed at the toast.

            "When do I get to meet her? Like I've seen all the pictures, but..." he made a gesture instead of completing the sentence not sure how to go on.

            "I think we're having a party for the wedding party," Achilles said. "Isn't that funny? A party for the party. Anyway, then."

            Patroclus nodded.

            "Are you seeing anyone?" Achilles asked. "You can bring her."

            Achilles had an expectant look on his face that Patroclus had difficulty deciphering. He thought briefly of telling him that he had recently been dating a guy, but as always he couldn't quite bring himself to. His short time with Jason ended after a small argument over some stupid comments. When a celebrity had come out as pan, Patroclus had expressed his happiness over more representation of different orientations.

            "I don't think that's real," Jason had said. "He's probably just gay and doesn't want to say that."

            Patroclus was floored. "What? What do you mean? I'm bi."

            Jason looked confused. "Oh, I thought that meant you were gay."

            "Why would I say I was bi if I was really gay."

            After that, they saw each other a couple of times, and then Jason ghosted him. Patroclus didn't know if it was because of that argument or because he insisted he was bi or maybe even something else altogether.

            But he didn't want to talk about Jason with Achilles, and he didn't want to spoil this nice celebration with what might be a shocking revelation. He shook his head. "No, I went on a few dates recently, but no one has really lasted."

            Achilles cleared his throat and shifted as if uncomfortable. "And you would tell me if you and Briseis were dating."

            Patroclus wanted to laugh, but he held it in somehow. "No, I am not seeing Briseis."

            Achilles nodded, brow furrowed, as he pondered that.

            "She'd laugh if she heard you say that," Patroclus continued wondering why Achilles always asked him this. "She says hi by the way and wants us all to get together. She's super busy with her own grad program."

            "I'd love to see her too, maybe when you're both done with school."

            Then they were back to their usual topics, reminiscing about high school and their favorite video games.

************

            The semester wound down with final projects, tutoring with stressed students, and grading. After a dizzying finals week, Patroclus and Briseis graduated. They celebrated with a nice dinner and drinks, and a few days later Patroclus' summer course and research projects were underway.

            He took a trip down to New York for wedding fittings and a wedding planning brunch. He thought Achilles looked stunning in his tux, and he felt awkward with Deidamia's family. Deidamia was (depressingly) as beautiful in real life as in her photos with flawless hair and make-up and some Dolce and Gabbana outfit. She was taller than Achilles and held herself regally. When they were introduced, she gave him a strange look he didn't know how to read, and she didn't show much of an interest in him. Well, at least Achilles made sure he had a drink in his hand and kept checking in with him.

            Then in late May Achilles took a break from wedding planning to join Achilles and Briseis in Boston for a better celebration of their achievements starting with a nice restaurant on Tremont he picked out. When Patroclus and Briseis caught sight of him, she let out a squeal, ran over, and hugged him at length.

            "Are you a doctor yet?" Achilles asked laughingly and she gave him a gentle punch.

            "I can't believe you haven't made time for me at all this year!" she said. "I have to hear news about you from this guy!"

            "What can I say, everybody wants me!" Achilles said feigning smugness. He turned to Patroclus and gave him a big hug. "Isn't that right, Pat? I just have so many invitations! And a job!"

            Patroclus breathed in his scent, chiding himself for enjoying the embrace so much. "Yeah, everyone loves Achilles," he said.

            As usual, Achilles had ordered them champagne and they toasted to their academic success and ordered some food. They all missed Iphis who was off celebrating the end of her second year of law school and they started a group text with a picture of them at dinner. She replied with a selfie of her and her new boyfriend.

            They caught up on some news, and as usual, Achilles mentioned how much money he was making and how beautiful Deidamia was.

            "Tell me about your wedding," Briseis said after their salads came.

            Achilles rattled off the dates of the stag party, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding. "It's going to be a beautiful ceremony. Dei hired the best wedding planner in the city."

            "Where are you going on your honeymoon?" Briseis asked.

            "Some island in the Pacific. Bora Bora, I think."

            "What's the cake?"

            Achilles looked blank. "Um, something white."

            As usual, Achilles didn't seem all that concerned with the details of the wedding.

            "Something white?" Briseis exclaimed. "Don't you know the flavor?"

            "I think she chose vanilla and chocolate," Patroclus provided. "She posted a picture."

            "Yeah, I don't spend much time on social media these days," Achilles said as if ending the conversation. They turned to other topics.

            After dinner, they kept the party going by heading to a bar.

            "Let's get shots," Achilles suggested, and he got the bartender's attention.

            "Real world, here I come!" Briseis cheered loudly holding her shot of Jagermeister up.

            "Ph.D. here I come!" Patroclus responded.

            "Yeah!" Achilles yelled. They clinked and drank.

            The mood was great. The music was the right volume and there weren't too many people. Patroclus felt really good. They reminisced about some parties in high school, and Briseis and Patroclus relayed some of their Boston adventures to Achilles. Achilles told them stories about the Olympics and his travels.

            "Why didn't Deidamia come?" Briseis asked Achilles after they had several drinks and were a little tipsy.

            He shrugged. "She doesn't really do parties." He indicated to the bartender to set up another round.

            "I haven't even met her," she burst out.

            You're not missing much, Patroclus thought. He remembered the planning brunch. God, I'm probably not giving her a chance, he thought. He had only really seen her in a group setting, and she seemed warmer with her girlfriends and brothers.

            "You will soon," Achilles said indifferently. "Patroclus met her."

            "I know, but it seems like she would want to do things with you and your friends," she insisted.

            Achilles didn't reply and they all took another shot.

            "Well, she's a model and has to get up early," Patroclus offered. There, now I'm giving her a chance. He was feeling the effect of their shots.

            "Yeah, and we just have a different life," Achilles said with a shrug. "Separate, you know. She has her friends and I have mine, and we enjoy different things. We see enough of each other." He seemed annoyed.

            Briseis harumphed.

            "Change of topic," Achilles continued. "Who are you coming to the wedding with?"

            "You mean like a date ?" Briseis asked, and when Achilles hummed an answer, she continued. "I was hoping Pat would offer to be my date." She lay her head on his shoulder. Patroclus could see that the alcohol was having its effect. Her words were sticky and her movements clumsier.

            "I thought you were going with Chryseis," Patroclus said.

            "We got into an argument." Briseis lifted herself off his shoulder with a closed off expression. "Another round?" She tried to get the bartender's attention.

            Achilles looked between the two of them. "Who's Chryseis?"

            Patroclus worried he'd said the wrong thing. Maybe Bri didn't want Achilles to know. When they didn't answer Achilles repeated the question.

            "She was my girlfriend," Briseis said. "But now, she's not."

            Patroclus wondered if the argument wasn't something to do with all the summer weddings, but it occurred to him that now might not be the best time to ask. He wasn't too drunk to control the editing portion of his brain at least!

            "Girlfriend?" Achilles asked with a stunned expression. "I didn't know you were..."

            "Bi?" she quickly completed. "I'm bi."

            "Oh, cool," he said. At that point, the bartender poured their shots and Briseis' gaze found Patroclus' eyes. He shrugged. He imagined she thought now was a good time for him to come out, but he wasn't ready.

            "So, where are you going for your stag party?" she asked, turning toward Achilles.

            "Patroclus has asked Ajax to plan a bar crawl in the Village."

**************

            "Look maybe I shouldn't tell you this," Briseis began after they ordered their lunch. She was looking at him with narrowed eyes and lips sucked in. It was a week after they had celebrated their Master's degrees with Achilles.

            "Tell me what?" Should he be worried about something?

            "You said you thought Deidamia was a little chilly with you?"

            "Yeah?"

            "Well, if you two act around her like you act around me, she might be... concerned."

            "What are you talking about?"

            "You two are real touchy-feely, like extra long hug when we met up, always touching each other's shoulders or arms, eating off each other's plate without asking. You and I don't even do that! One of us always offers to share."

            Patroclus thought back to all his recent meetings with Achilles. "I didn't notice anything like that."

            "Well, you might not, but this was the first time I'd seen him and the two of you in years, and it jumped right out at me."

            "I don't think it was like that in front of her," he said a little defensively, but he couldn't be sure. The brunch had been awkward, and it was hard to make small talk with everyone. Their lives were so different from his.

            "I'll be more careful in future."

            "That's a good idea," Briseis responded. She feigned a haughty expression. "And as your date, I claim all your attention."

            "Yes, ma'am" Patroclus laughed.

***********

            The summer turned busy between his university work and job at the Whole Bean. He didn't really want to take on the extra work, but there was no teaching and less tutoring in summer and he needed the money to pay for everything associated with the wedding. Clothes, gifts, travel, it was all starting to add up.

            Excited about the stag party? Achilles texted.

            He reacted with a thumbs up emoji. Odysseus picked him up and they drove to Manhattan that Saturday morning. They would meet Ajax and Teucer so it was going to be a real reunion of their friends from the high school track team, and Diomedes and Automedon from his Olympic team were joining them. In between listening to songs they liked, Odysseus entertained him with his Tales from a Framingham Office, how he was besting his rivals in office politics, and Patroclus talked about his academic progress.

            They dropped their bags at Teucer's Brooklyn apartment and took the subway into the city. Everyone else was already at the first bar with a basket of pretzels and a giant plate of nachos.

            "The party can now begin!" Odysseus cried out arms raised. After greeting hugs and introductions, they settled into a pitcher of beer and dug into the food. They ordered more appetizers, so they would have something on their stomachs for the night of drinking, and Patroclus was beginning to feel mellow. The conversation was chaotic as people talked over and interrupted each other. Of course they mainly talked about Achilles losing his single status.

            Automedon told stories of all the pranks they played at the games.

            "My favorite though was when we would wait till some women got in the elevator with us. Achilles had this thing he would do. He would start to groan like he was sick. Then convulse." Everyone was starting to laugh in anticipation. "Then he would bend over with his hand over his mouth and no one but me knew he had just popped an Alka-Seltzer in his mouth." Everyone burst out in laughter at this point knowing what was next. "When he stood up, he started frothing at the mouth and the girls would about crash each other to get as far away."

            As the laughter continued, Achilles caught his breath to say, "They didn't know what was happening to me. They couldn't get out of that elevator fast enough. And Automedon started shouting 'oh my God, it's happening again!"

            "It worked every time," Automedon confirmed.

            "They never caught on," Achilles laughed. "If someone asked what had happened, we would straight-faced tell them we didn't know what they were talking about."

            "Alka-Seltzer stock probably went up, we did that so often," Automedon laughed.

            They left the first bar and headed to the second where they had shots of Jagermeister followed by more pitchers of beer. An argument broke out about whether baseball was an interesting sport with Ajax and Teucer saying yes and Achilles and his Olympic teammates saying no and Odysseus trying to argue both sides. Patroclus giggled at how silly they all sounded. He had no opinion about it and didn't even keep up with any sports except whatever competition Achilles was in.

            Instead Patroclus pondered what Briseis had told him about their behavior together, and she was right. Achilles took food off his plate and even ate a nacho from out of his fingers, all grins as Patroclus jokingly protested. They always sat next to each other, shoulders brushing, and had walked to the second bar arm in arm. But this is the way they always were, had been, forever. You couldn't give any of those gestures any weight, any real import.

            As the baseball discussion lingered without resolution, a group of women their age in matching Barbie pink tank tops came in. Their group quieted down to inspect the new arrivals. They were a matched set of friends, same smooth long hair just in different colors, same make-up and shoes. One was wearing what appeared to be a child's tiara and veil, also in Barbie pink. When they got close enough, Patroclus saw the gold lettering on their shirts that read Last Fling Before the Ring.

            "I didn't think to do t-shirts," Patroclus said under his breath and his friends laughed.

            "We don't need no stinkin' shirts," Achilles declared to cheers.

            Some of his friends approached the girls and the two groups intermingled. They had been to a male strip show and were excited and chatting. A couple of them recognized Achilles and his Olympic teammates, and they all wanted selfies. It took nothing for Odysseus to convince them to join them to the next venue. A couple of the girls took Achilles' arm and he grinned at Patroclus over his shoulder.

            In the third bar, some of the guys were paired with some of the girls, openly flirting despite their relationship statuses, because 'this night doesn't count.'

            "We are outside of normal time," Odysseus declared even though he wasn't paired and claimed that his true love was Penelope. This produced boos and Ajax threw a napkin at him.

            Someone started a chant for Achilles and the bride to be to kiss and they tried to say no. Eventually, they bowed to pressure and kissed chastely as she giggled.

            "Lame!" shouted Ajax.

            Soon they were off to a new bar and Achilles grabbed Patroclus' arm. Patroclus' head was starting to spin, and they both were laughing at everything. Patroclus was losing track of how much he had drunk.

            The next bar (club?) was dark with decent music and a few people dancing. Achilles grabbed him after another round of shots and dragged him to the small space to dance. At some point, someone had put the bride's tiara-veil combo on Achilles and he didn't even look ridiculous in it. Of course he would look gorgeous in Barbie pink. With a jolt, Patroclus recognized the song as an old hit from The Strokes. What were the odds? He felt like they were teenagers again goofing around in Achilles house while his parents were away, as they started to sing loudly.

            I'll wait for you. Will you wait for me too? And they sacrifice their lives. And they're lying about those odds.

            Achilles moved his head to make the veil snap around, and they laughed and grabbed onto each other as they moved to the music.

            He didn't know what time it was or how many places they had been when he had to take a bathroom break. What he realized was that he was extremely drunk and had trouble standing upright with proper aim. He really needed to stop drinking now. His friends were very generous with the offers of shots, and it seemed rude to refuse.

            Heading back out with the thought he should at least drink some water, he ran into Achilles who was still wearing the pink tiara and veil, but they were crooked now. "There you are! You disappeared."

            He swayed and his precariousness added to Patroclus' own lack of balance.

            "This is a great night," Achilles shouted, grabbing Patroclus' shoulders and pushing him clumsily against the wall in his attempt to remain upright.

            "I'm glad you're having fun. I just want you to have fun." His thinking was fuzzy, and he realized he was having difficulty speaking.

            "You are a great friend, do you know that?" Achilles voice was thick and slow and his eyes were half-closed. The veil had fallen in his face and he brushed it aside with a graceless swat.

            "You are... you're my best friend," Patroclus responded. It seemed really important to say that right then, like he was imparting deep truths.

            Achilles stared at him and patted his shoulder. "I miss us."

            "What?"

            "I miss us, just us."

            "We'll see each other all the time, this won't change."

            Aiming for a hug, Achilles fell against the wall. Patroclus tried to catch him and they struggled to stay upright. Somehow in there, Achilles leaned forward and started kissing him. Stunned, Patroclus kissed back after a slight hesitation. Even this sloppy, drunken kiss sent his brain into orbit and made him want more.

            "Tonight doesn't count, right?" Achilles declared, lips against his ear. They kissed again.

            Then Achilles pulled back and ran to the bathroom with Patroclus on his heels. He flung himself in a stall and started retching. Patroclus helped him remove the veil and tiara.

**********

            A few days later, he stood next to Achilles and watched him say marriage vows. Deidamia looked gorgeous in her dress and wore a satisfied look on her face. Achilles was equally good-looking and seemed a bit dazed. While she pronounced the words as if acting on a stage, he sounded like he was surprised by them.

            They hadn't talked about that drunken kiss, and Patroclus wondered if it had actually happened. It belonged to a fuzzy memory of the end of the evening. He didn't remember much after, like how they all got back to Teucer's. They also had no time on their own since their time was occupied with wedding activities like the rehearsal dinner and photo sessions. He couldn't even tell if Achilles looked at him differently. Maybe he didn't remember it.

            They had a brief congratulatory hug after the ceremony and a longer one during the reception. Patroclus was tipsy from all the champagne and Achilles seemed almost drunk.

            "I'm so glad you were my best man," Achilles said as they swayed slightly in an embrace.

            "Me too. I'm so happy for you!" Patroclus responded.

            "Our lives are turning out better than we hoped, aren't they?" Achilles exclaimed as they pulled apart but still held each other’s arms.

            Patroclus smiled warmly and squeezed his biceps. "Yeah. Better than we hoped."

Chapter Text

            He thought he was doing really well. He thought he made progress in lessening his crush and considering Achilles his friend only. Didn't he always say that was the most important thing? The friendship? But then of course, why was he always stalking Deidamia's feed?

            He had told himself he only went to Deidamia's socials because Achilles didn't really update his own since the games were over and he began his new life in New York. Pelides Official wasn't a good way to keep up with his friend, since it recycled photos of Achilles' wins, practices, and candid moments, deviating from that only to post covers of sports magazines that featured Achilles. Recently they had put up wedding pictures too. There was a picture of the happy couple cutting the cake and another with them standing next to the limo. Then, in what appeared to be a professional shoot, they uploaded a photo of the couple in their tux and dress with sweet smiles. Achilles has added another gold medal to his collection, it read. Patroclus wondered who the social media person was. That was putrid.

            Deidamia on the other hand posted multiple times a day including stories. She regularly put up photos from their honeymoon in Bora Bora. And since the announcement of their wedding, Achilles and Deidamia had appeared on the cover of several fashion and women's magazines, which she dutifully uploaded with comments. It was a way for Patroclus to keep up with their marriage without asking Achilles directly.

            The model and the athlete.

            Each time he saw one, it was like a punch to the gut. And there was a lot to go through. He had to admit, they made a beautiful couple. The pictures were like perfection. He hoped he could just keep the happiness for his friend and bleed away the feeling of loss that he and Achilles would never be more.

            Today, he opened the app and saw a picture of Deidamia standing sideways with her hands on her stomach while Achilles stood next to her holding a sign that read four months. Both beaming. There wasn't anything you could call a bump, but the intent was clear.

            His mind stopped working as he stared at the picture. Deidamia pregnant? Patroclus counted backwards. Just after the wedding.

            Achilles had texted nothing about it. He opened his messages and found the last one from Achilles. Real busy here. Hope to see you soon. That was a day ago.

            He shot off a quick text. Hey, what's new?

            Achilles' response dinged. Hey! Lots of work here! How are you?  It was followed by a spiral eye emoji.

            Same here, he typed back, adding the same emoji.

            He had seen Achilles in September even. They had spent the usual evening with expensive food and lots of alcohol. Too much alcohol really. Achilles was already tipsy when Patroclus arrived. He had had drinks with clients at lunch and more with another set of clients at a happy hour in the financial district.

            Achilles showed him pictures from their honeymoon, two gorgeous people in a gorgeous resort. Patroclus gaped at the amazing sea green water and the pure sand. Even Achilles seemed stunned by the landscape.

            "Dei got some travel agent to book it all," he said. "First class tickets, cabins in an exclusive cove, private chef. It was amazing."

            Like so much of Achilles' life, it seemed so far away from Patroclus. His reality was classes, tutoring, studying. At least he wasn't teaching since he had a research assistantship.

            Patroclus thought back to that night to see if he missed clues, if Achilles had acted differently, but nothing came to mind.

            Of course, they never brought up the kiss. Sometimes Patroclus tried to recall what happened at the stag party. The end of that night was a bit hazy and disjointed, and Patroclus sometimes wondered if it had happened. If his recollection was accurate, he didn't know how to interpret it. What had Achilles been thinking? Was it just an extension of all their other physical contact? In undergrad, people sometimes got drunk and made out with just anybody of any gender who was available, even if they were presumably straight. He couldn't think of a way to broach the topic with Achilles. He didn't even mention it to Briseis when he relayed the events of that night.

            In any case, nothing about their evening in September revealed that Deidamia was pregnant, but they must have known, right?

*******

            "So, you're stalking her socials now?" Briseis asked after they had ordered their brunch. She handed his phone back and he placed it face down on the table.

            "I wouldn't call it stalking," he said with a grimace.

            "I'm teasing," Briseis said, adding an air kiss. "Well, they certainly didn't waste any time. That might even be a wedding night baby."

            "He hasn't told me. Is that weird?"

            She shrugged. "A lot of pregnant women like to wait to make sure the baby takes."

            "But she's posted this herself!"

            Briseis shrugged again. "What do you want me to say? Ask him. He's your best friend. Why do you always hesitate about asking him directly?"

            "I don't know, I guess I figure he'll tell me himself. We used to tell each other stuff all the time."

            "Well, now he has Deidamia."

            He took a big sip of coffee and it dawned on him that was the problem. Achilles used to tell him everything first. He used to know how Achilles felt when no one else did. Now, he was second, and he could never again be first.

            "Look," Briseis continued. "I think the main thing for you is you still have feelings for him, and you haven't told him your orientation, so you have this worry that you're doing friendship wrong. Like if you ask the wrong thing, it will be poof Achilles disappears." She snapped her fingers at the word poof.

            He sighed. "You're probably right. I should tell him my orientation. Maybe next time."

            "That would be good. You'd feel better about things."

            "There's no way I'm telling him about my feelings though!" He shook his head with wide eyes.

            "Well, right, he doesn't need to know that."

            They sat a moment nodding, and Patroclus took a deep breath. He felt better having shared with Briseis.

            "So tell me, what's up with you? You told me you and Chryseis were talking again."

            She nodded and smiled. "Yeah, we went out last week and had a nice talk about us."

            "That's great."

            "Yeah, there were a lot of things that... we weren't telling each other about expectations and things like that."

*********

            Briseis was right that Patroclus was concerned about doing something to harm their friendship. He hadn't really been able to stop being in love with Achilles. He felt stupid about it. He was a serious student and a conscientious teacher in a doctoral program- how did moping about his friend fit into that identity? It must somehow. The feelings hadn't gone anywhere.

            That afternoon when he got home after brunch, he didn't feel like doing any of his course work. He put on his mix of The Strokes instead and flipped through social media. Of course Deidamia had some new photos up, even one with Achilles. None of them put her stomach on display though. She still looked fabulous in a billowy shirt and leggings. Achilles hair seemed to be longer. Patroclus wondered if he was growing it out again.

            He settled on a new plan for his feelings. He would never stop loving Achilles, but he would keep it tucked away. And Patroclus had to realize he was not first in Achilles' life. He was still the best friend, but he had to accept that he would not get his friend's news as quickly. They would never go back to being those boys who shared everything with each other first and kept secrets from the world.

            Eternal Summer came on. Not a hit from their teenage years, but they had talked about it when this album came out. Don't expect the truth. This is a fantasy. I fight that feeling too.

            God, he felt depressed all of a sudden. Shouldn't he feel more hopeful? He was processing his feelings! He opened his messages and stared a moment at the thread of recent exchanges with Achilles. Hey! Lots of work here! How are you? and Same here.

            He sighed and started typing. Can you talk.

            He stared at the message as the song continued. Now that you heard the truth, I need a friendly face. I hate that feeling too.

            He startled as the message switched to read. A hesitation. A moment. Maybe he's busy. Then the dots of response.

            wjats upp?

            Can you talk?

            The message turned to "read" but the dots didn't appear this time. Maybe he couldn't.

            Then the phone lit up. Achilles was calling.

            "Hey!" Patroclus said.

            Wherever Achilles was it was noisy. "Hey, Patroclus! Everything all right?"

            "I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I?"

            "Not really, it's some cocktail thing to raise money for the arts. What's up with you?"

            "Trying to get some studying done." He swallowed and decided just to say it. "I thought I'd call with congratulations."

            Achilles didn't answer right away. "What?" he said finally.

            "Congratulations. On the baby."

            Achilles hesitated again and finally asked, "How did you know about that?"

            The noise in the background faded and then it was quiet. Achilles must have gone somewhere to be alone.

            "It was on Deidamia's feed."

            "Oh." He was silent again.

            "It's great news," Patroclus said. "I'm really happy for you. Maybe we can celebrate when you come up again."

            "Sure," Achilles replied slowly. "I just... I didn't know we were telling people."

            "Oh?" Patroclus didn't know what to make of that.

            "Deidamia said she wanted to wait to tell people. She wanted to make sure.... you know sometimes the first trimester, like it doesn't work out or something, so she said she'd let me know..."

            "I'm sorry I didn't mean..." Now he was worried he'd made a mistake in bringing this up!

            "No, no, it's okay. Listen, I'll let you know when I'm coming up."

            "Sure."

            There was a moment of silence.

            "Look, I would have told you, you know?" Achilles sounded concerned.

            "It's alright, I mean it was on Deidamia's social media." Patroclus worried he had done the wrong thing.

            "Yeah, yeah, but I would have told you."

**********

            Patroclus felt better about everything now. Overall he was happy he chose to call Achilles and ask about the pregnancy, or really just say congratulations. He was ready to tell Achilles about his orientation during their next visit.

            His courses were interesting and he was enjoying the research assistantship. The professor specialized in compounding, an area he found fascinating. He liked the notion of mixing medicines. It made him feel like a mad scientist. And next semester he planned to take a course on veterinary compounding. His professor thought it would be a good skill to add, and he had some ideas for research directions.

            When Achilles came up for one of his usual visits, Patroclus was feeling upbeat and optimistic about his life, their friendship, and everything. When he got to City Bar, it was clear that Achilles had started drinking, likely with clients at lunch again. Patroclus didn't really want to overdo it, but he wasn't sure he had it in him to refuse. Achilles gave him his traditional long hug and it felt so good as usual, like coming home.

            When they sat down, Achilles started fiddling with his glass, turning it, tipping it this way and that as he stared into it. Patroclus took a sip and wondered about his nervousness.

            "How are things going?" Patroclus asked. "Did you have good meetings?"

            "Yeah, they were fine." Achilles seemed indifferent about them. They chatted for a while about various topics, Boston traffic and meetings with uptight businessmen, then Achilles inhaled deeply and blew out the air sharply. "Look, I wanted to explain my reaction when you called about Deidamia's pregnancy..."

            "I don't know what you mean."

            "I didn't... I wasn't... ready, you know. I was told to keep it quiet, and then you told me she had posted it. And do you know, later that day three other people brought it up?" He looked at Patroclus with amazement. "Here I was keeping it secret, like I thought we were supposed to do. I don't get it." He looked away and took a drink.

            Patroclus didn't know how to reply. He searched for the right words to say, but he came up empty.

            "Can I tell you something, Pat?" He paused and his eyes went wide. "I don't know that I'm ready for a kid. I didn't want one. I told Dei that we should wait." He finished his glass and poured another, shaking his head the whole time. "I told her we should wait, but then...."

            He stared off into space.

            "I'm sure you'll make a great father," Patroclus said.

            Achilles' eyes snapped back. "I don't know. I'm just not ready. And now, I can't even talk to her about it. It's too late. It's on the way! I was hoping, you know, that we'd... I don't know what exactly. Like I wanted to come up and see you more often, but there's always boring fundraisers or important dinner parties. I don't even know what my role in all that is! And then I have training starting soon. I have to start thinking about that. How is a kid going to impact that? How can I do this? And now my mom is involved? Like what is that about? She's trying to tell me how I'm supposed to be and I don't know what it's like to be pregnant."

            The words tumbled out and Patroclus realized how angry Achilles was. He'd forgotten about his anger. When they were teenagers, he would rage against his parents sometimes, or a teacher that had chastised him. As Achilles ended a sentence to finish another glass of supposed celebratory champagne, Patroclus cleared his throat.

            "That all sounds like it sucks," he said. "I can't imagine having this circumstance fall on you like that without you wanting it."

            "Right?" Achilles cried out.    

            "It sounds really frustrating."

            He continued sympathizing with Achilles and they talked in circles about the pregnancy, training schedules, dealing with Deidamia and Thetis, going over items again and again. Finally, Achilles calmed down.

            "This is the thing. I just feel like I'm not in control of anything." He shook his head with wide eyes. "When we were young, it was like sure I'm not, but we'll grow up. Then when I was training, I thought of course you do what the trainers and coaches and everybody says, and I got results, so fine. Then college was like, jump through these dumb hoops, but, like I got a degree, so okay. But I thought that, you know, when all that was done, I'd get to make decisions, but..." he trailed off in a shrug.

            "But you have a great life," Patroclus said, confused. "You have a job and money and a beautiful wife and soon a child. You are a success story."

            Achilles stared at his drink again. "Yeah, I suppose, but I thought I'd see my friends more often. I thought you and I would hang out all the time. I thought.... I thought things would be fun, you know."

            Patroclus wasn't sure what he meant. "I guess. But, we all have responsibilities. It can't always be fun."

            "Yeah, I know. But like, I thought you and I would be like it used to be."

            They sat a moment and Patroclus didn't know what to say. He sometimes wanted that too, but they had these different lives now. This was their reality.

            "Well, let's have fun tonight!" Patroclus proposed casting his mind after fun things they could do. "Let's do something crazy, I don't know, let's... go dancing in the street!"

            Achilles stared at him in amusement. "Dancing in the street?"

            They sputtered in laughter. "It was the first thing that came to me."

            "Such a wild man!"

            They returned to joking around and talking about their usual topics. Patroclus decided it wasn't time to share his orientation. He talked about his coursework and other small topics. He drank way more than he wanted, but he felt good.  They hadn't actually danced in the streets, but they had walked out together talking loudly, singing a song they liked until they got to the T station to say goodbye.

            When he got home and crawled under the sheets, he realized why he felt so positive. Achilles had shared his concerns and worries with him, and it was like it had been when they were younger.

            This is what it means to be a good friend, he thought as he settled into sleep.

Chapter Text

            Patroclus surveyed his apartment. He had cleaned every surface, vacuumed, tidied his bookshelves. The sheets on his bed were freshly washed. He was ready for Achilles' visit.

            He was excited about the weekend ahead but also a little nervous. It was the first time Achilles was coming to his place. They'd only ever met up in some restaurant or bar, and he knew Achilles was used to something fancier than this modest apartment.

            But in a recent conversation, Achilles mentioned he needed to drink less because he was beginning training in earnest, so Patroclus invited him to stay and just hang out.

            "You know that money isn't an issue. I can stay wherever."

            "You've never even seen my place," Patroclus pointed out. "And we can order in and watch movies or play a game. We'll watch how much we drink, but it'll be fun, like when we were in high school."

            Briseis was also joining them.

            Overall, Patroclus was happy with events in his life. Fall semester wound down nicely with good grades, extra tutoring, and meeting a new person that Chryseis introduced to him. Lex, short for Polyxena, was pan and nonbinary, worked at an art gallery and were vibrant and sarcastic with blue streaks in their dark hair and a nose piercing. They were lots of fun, and he found the two of them had lots in common. And in part, he thought it would help him branch out since Polyxena was also polyamourous. They had several partners and encouraged Patroclus to see other people too.

            They were originally from Seattle and were staying in the Boston area for the holidays, so he stayed too, and they had a great time. His father was not pleased that he was opting out of his yearly visit, but weathering fifteen minutes of ill humor was a big improvement over days of badgering. When Patroclus told him about dating Lex, his father grumbled about "young people and their pronouns" and declared it all a bunch of nonsense. Patroclus chose not to engage his father's opinions. He mumbled a noncommittal response and deflected to another topic.

            Overall, the end of December was peaceful and fun spent in the company of Lex and various friends, and Patroclus was more at ease entering a new year. He wondered if he shouldn't make a resolution to cut his father off further. It had only taken a short time to get over the grumpy phone call. Achilles was away for the holidays as the previous year, so Patroclus only had some text exchanges and the photos from Deidamia's feed, but he was in such a better place now. He felt like their friendship was solid.

            So now, a week from the start of his spring semester, he was happy that Achilles was coming for a weekend visit, and he wanted it to be perfect.

*******

            The door buzzed shortly before one o'clock.

            "Yeah?" he said into the intercom.

            "Don't you have a doorman?" Achilles' voice asked jokingly.

            "Yeah, right," Patroclus laughed. "Fourth floor."

            He cracked his door open and nervously rubbed his hands together with a final visual sweep of his place. He hoped everything was ready. The sounds of steps and the brushing of something against the wall caught his ear as the door swung open.

            "Is this even Boston?" Achilles gave him a huge hug and dropped a leather duffel at his feet. "This is so far out!"

            "I know, it's practically Brighton." He noticed Achilles' hair was longer. It looked good.

            "What's that? Like the Bronx?"

            Patroclus laughed. "Come on in. I'll give you the tour. Here's the living room."

            Achilles looked over the small space with an unreadable expression.

            Patroclus had the impression he was seeing his place for the first time, how small and crummy it might seem. All the furniture was castoffs from moving day when people abandoned furniture on streets and which students snatched up. His bookshelves were crammed with his chemistry and pharmacy books with toys and action figures he had acquired over the years. He had organized everything the best he could, but with bookstore stickers on faded spines, the result still wasn't elegant. He couldn't decipher Achilles' thoughts. Maybe that was horror on his face, maybe it was just surprise.

            "I was gonna say dining room," Achilles joked. "But then I saw the couch." Achilles picked a gyro wheel and started making it move up and down. "Is this part of your pharmacist's equipment?" he quipped.

            "Right," he laughed. "Here's the kitchen."

            Achilles leaned against the frame still moving the toy. "Wow, if two people use it do they have to turn at the same time?"

            Patroclus huffed a laugh. "It's fine. You should have seen the three-bedroom I shared with Odysseus and two other guys in Back Bay."

            "Oh yeah?"

            "Yeah. Odysseus took the living room and we let him pay less rent."

            "Wow."

            "It was a dump, but we were undergrads and had a great time. There was a Thai place on the ground floor that we loved. Anyway, here's my room, your room for the weekend. I put on fresh sheets."

            Achilles peeked in still fidgeting with the toy. "Rustic."

            "I know it's not the Upper West Side."

            Achilles seemed unimpressed, and Patroclus started to deflate at his reaction. Then Achilles caught his eye and smiled. "It's nice. You have a nice place. Change of topic. I'm starving, what are we doing for lunch?" He set the toy back on a shelf.

            "We could go out. What do you want?"

            Achilles tilted his head in thought. "I would love a burrito. I used to eat them in college, but now, Mexican is off the menu."

            "Oh yeah?"

            "Not chic enough. Nowadays it's all sushi and fusion this and that. Anyway, my treat."

            *******

            Patroclus was happy to show Achilles around his neighborhood on what was fortunately a clear day. Everything looked welcoming in the bright sun, and it was lively and bustling for an early Friday afternoon. It wasn't all that cold and the breeze was light, so it was pleasant to walk around. They ate a giant burrito per Achilles' request and after got a coffee at his favorite coffee shop where they chatted as they looked out onto Brighton Avenue. They stopped to get snacks and beer for the night, and Briseis texted that she thought she could get off work right at 5.

            Back at Patroclus', Achilles pulled out his Switch. "I thought we could play some Zelda or Sonic." So they sat shoulders bumping and took turns playing.

            "This is great just screwing around on a Friday afternoon," Achilles said as he watched Patroclus maneuver Sonic down a narrow bridge. "It feels like playing hooky. Is this what every Friday feels like to you?"

            Patroclus laughed as he made the hedgehog jump across a chasm. "No, only in January. Usually I would be doing something for my assistantship or studying. Maybe tutoring. In summer, I worked at the Whole Bean. How did you manage to get off work anyway?"

            "I just ditched," Achilles chuckled. "I didn't tell anyone what I was doing."

            "What did you tell Deidamia?" Patroclus completed a segment and paused to turn toward Achilles who seemed relaxed and unconcerned.

            "Just that I was coming to Boston," he replied meeting Patroclus' gaze. "I didn't say I wasn't working."

            "So you really are playing hooky," Patroclus said.

            "I guess."

            He played another few moments then asked, "So how is the pregnancy?"

            Achilles shrugged. "Fine, I guess. She's moody, and I'm supposed to be the supportive husband." He used a funny voice and waved his hands on the last part. "But it's not easy. I'll be glad when the baby gets here."

*******

            Briseis arrived at seven laden with bags of food. They helped her and Achilles gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy you were able to fit me in this time," she declared. "And for more than just a few hours!"

            "Well, when your shrink orders you to spend time with them, you obey!"

            She gave him a light punch. "I'm not a shrink!"

            Patroclus laughed as he fetched them plates and silverware. Briseis removed the take-out containers from their bag and Achilles opened beers for everyone.

            "Hey, before we get started, let's get a photo," Briseis suggested.

            They piled on the sofa and she snapped a few pics. They chose one to send to their group chat with Iphis and she also posted one on her feed. Iphis replied very quickly with a heart reaction and the comment my favorite people as well as a heart emoji.

            "So how is Deidamia?" Briseis asked as they settled onto the couch with their plates.

            "Fine."

            "And pregnancy?"

            He made a face. "That sucks. She's always complaining about how big she is, even though really it's not that bad. I'm supposed to be understanding."

            "Well, yeah," Briseis said. "Obviously."

            "My mom is the worst," he said. "She's always at me telling me I don't know what it's like, and I have to be patient. I'll be glad when it's here. Blah blah." He imitated her voice.

            They both laughed at him.

            "It'll just be good when it's over."

            They ate for a moment, then Patroclus asked Briseis, "So how are things at work?"

            "Where's work now?" Achilles interjected.

            "Downtown," she said. "I work for a big box counseling place."

            "Is that where you came from just now?"

            "No, I stopped by Chryseis' place to drop off my things."

            "Chryseis lives in Brookline," Patroclus explained. "Her place is like 15 minutes from here."

            "It's convenient," Briseis said. "I'm spending the night with her since we're all meeting up tomorrow. That way I don't have to take the train out tonight and back in tomorrow."

            "Where's Natick again?" Achilles asked with a glint in his eyes. "Is it like a farm?"

            She narrowed her eyes at him. "Watch it, you! It's a cute suburban town. We even have a sushi restaurant."

            "I didn't realize rural America was so fancy," he responded as Patroclus chuckled.

            "Hardy har har, Mr. New York City," Briseis replied.

            She talked generally about her work and how it was different from what she expected as they listened. "I have some patients who think that there is like one way to be in a relationship or to do life. Like, it's your life. Even when you fuck up, or like what they think is fucking up, it's still like your life. That's your story."

            Achilles tapped Patroclus' foot with his own to get his attention and caught his eye. "I think fucking up is still fucking up. Like you made a mess of your life so now clean it up." He said it straight but Patroclus started laughing and Achilles couldn't help but sputter too.

            "It's a good thing you aren't a counselor then," Briseis said, feigning offense. "Anyway how is your financial advice?"
            "Impeccable," Achilles said with an overly serious tone that sent Patroclus and him into laughter anew and Briseis also chuckled.

            "I mean, how do you know what advice to give, silly?"

            "I don't," Achilles responded. He took a sip of beer. "I get a script from my brother-in-law and I go read that. I don't make any transactions. My father-in-law or someone else actually decides everything. I'm more like Olympic eye candy."

            "What?" Briseis laughed and caught Patroclus' eye with a shocked expression.

            "Olympic eye candy?" they said in unison.

            "Yeah, clients like it when an Olympic athlete gives them advice," Achilles snorted. "I don't think they understand the choices any more than I do, and they're fine as long as they're getting something out of it, meeting me or a little money, whatever."

            They sat a moment contemplating that and eating. Then Achilles continued, "Anyway, soon I'll start training again seriously."

            "Are you doing that on the East Coast?" Patroclus asked, hopefully.

            "Nah, probably go out west. Dei's got people looking for places in San Diego."

            "Is it hard to get back into it?" Briseis asked.

            "Not really, I never really stopped running or training, but it was just a couple hours a day. Now I have to ramp that up to get ready for World."

            "It'll be fun to watch you compete again," Patroclus said. "It's always an excuse for us to get together somewhere." He and Briseis exchanged a smile.

            They finished their food and started clearing the area to watch a movie.

            "So, how's Lex?" Briseis asked Patroclus as they opened new bottles of beer.

            "Who's that?" Achilles asked.

            "Didn't he tell you? His new love interest."

            "I wouldn't say love interest. It hasn't been that long," Patroclus protested. "I just met them last month. I'm not really introducing them around."

            "He's in a polyamorous relationship," Briseis stage whispered with an insinuating tone to Achilles.
            "He's what?"

            "It's like she says, Lex, Polyxena, is polyamorous and I'm one of the people they are in a relationship with."

            Achilles stared at him with a blank look.

            "Poly the poly," Briseis joked. She sputtered into her beer bottle and exchanged a glance with Achilles who also laughed.

            "They don't like that name, or the joke."

            "Poly wants a poly cracker?" Achilles repeated, and they burst into a new round of giggles.

            "Don't encourage her," Patroclus complained.

            "It's just funny to say," Briseis said.

            "But seriously, you're dating a polyamorous woman?" Achilles asked more seriously.

            "They are nonbinary," Patroclus clarified. "And I don't think it's long term. I like them. We're having a good time, but I don't see it as permanent."

            "Pat, you surprise me." Achilles examined him with an amazed expression. "Do you have a picture?"

            Patroclus picked up his phone and found a photo of the two of them at the harbor.

            "She... I mean they look nice, cute," Achilles proclaimed.

            "I like them." Patroclus turned off his phone and set it face down.

            "But," Achilles narrowed his eyes, "You don't think it's long term."

            Patroclus shrugged. "Yeah, I just don't know."

            Achilles nodded with a penetrating look, and Patroclus continued, "Alright, ready to watch the movie?"

             "Let's do it," Achilles said.

            "Alright," Briseis said at the same time.

            "I hope the screen is okay," Patroclus said apologetically, clicking through the apps. "It's just a cheap smart tv I bought for nothing from a grad student who was leaving the east coast."

            Achilles had a neutral expression. It was hard to know what he was thinking.

            "Achilles isn't a tv snob, are you?" Briseis asked in a joking tone. "Or do you have one of those home movie screens with special seats and everything."

            "We do have an 83 inch Crystal display," Achilles said raising his eyebrows.

            "Oh là là quel chic," Briseis said with a fake French accent as she took another drink.

            "Well, this isn't that big," Patroclus said wrinkling his nose.

            "Don't worry I brought my magnifying glass."

            "Don't be a jerk about my tv," Patroclus said humorously.

            They shared another laugh as they piled onto the sofa, Patroclus in the middle, shoulders touching and feet propped on his coffee table.

            *******

            Briseis stayed till eleven and Achilles and Patroclus got ready for bed.

            "I hate it that I'm taking your bed away from you," Achilles said as Patroclus unfolded blankets for his couch.

            "Don't worry, I nap here all the time."

            "Are you sure? I'll take the couch of you want."

            "No, I'm fine."

            "If you're sure then. Good night."

            "Yeah, good night."

            As he settled into the couch and listened to the noises indicating that Achilles was changing and climbing into his bed, a cozy feeling came over him. This was all so natural, so comfortable. He liked having this presence in his life. He wanted to take it all in carefully and cherish it because there wouldn't be that many occasions like this.

**********

            Patroclus felt drops of cold water on his cheeks and looked up to see the roof leaking. In a panic, he started running around with buckets to avoid a flood in his house. Another drop landed on his forehead and he jerked awake. Immediately, he heard laughter.

            He squinted his eyes and saw Achilles laughing over him, his hair wet and dripping.

            "Oh, it's you," he said as Achilles doubled over. "I was dreaming there were leaks in the roof."

            "I was thinking about finding a Sharpie and drawing on your face."

            "What are you fifteen?" Patroclus stretched underneath his blanket and yawned. Then he moved on his side so Achilles could sit better instead of perch on the edge.

            "Maybe." Achilles put a towel around his head to stop the dripping.

            "You've showered already?"

            "I had a run this morning, and I thought I would wash. I took your keys, I hope you don't mind. I didn't want to wake you. And you always did sleep really deeply. You barely shifted."

            "Hmm. How's the weather out there?"

            "Cold. I forgot how winter was on the east coast."

            "Yeah, Boston can be brutal. You got soft out in LA. And yesterday was just cool. You didn't even get the Boston wind."

            "New York can be bad. I run in the park, and last winter there were some freezing days."

            He hummed an answer as Achilles stared off into space. Still squint-eyed from sleep, Patroclus was able to admire him from his semi-supine position. He resisted the urge to grab him and pull him down on the couch. He remembered the kiss from the stag party and how Achilles had sneaked it in, and he wondered how that could happen again even as a part of him chided that part of his brain for these thoughts.        

            "Are you growing your hair out again?" he asked instead.

            Achilles turned toward him in such a way that made Patroclus heart skip a beat. "Yeah, gotta get that luck going again."

            Patroclus smiled up at him. "I don't think your wins are due to your hair."

            Achilles made a face. "Not gonna risk it. Anyway, change of topic. What time are we meeting them?"

            "Ten. We should probably get the T about 9."

            "No need, I'll get my service to pick us up."

            "You don't need to do that."

            "I know, but it makes life easier."

*******

            It was a great day overall. They went rock climbing with Briseis and Chryseis. It was Achilles' first time, and when he came back down in his first descent with Patroclus belaying, he fell into him clumsily.

            "Are you okay?" Patroclus hoped he hadn't hurt himself.

            Achilles, wide-eyed, laughed until he doubled over. "This is the best." He stood up and stretched his ankle out.

            They went to lunch after, and it felt really comfortable and relaxing. Chryseis fit into their group as if she had always been there, and it was hard to believe that Achilles was never part of their group these days. It was like no time had ever passed between them.

            After they took a walk along the harbor.

            "You know, I haven't done this at all," Achilles said. "I'm always in an office or a restaurant. This is really amazing but super cold. God, that wind."

            Patroclus laughed at him. "It's not all that bad today. At least it's sunny."

            They walked on a little. "So, would you be seeing this person, Lex, if I weren't here?" Achilles squinted into the distance.

            "Maybe, I don't know. They do have a couple of other partners, so they have a rotation. They're with someone else today."

            "Do you... know them?"

            "The other partners? Only one." Really, Patroclus was still new at this and hadn't been seeing Lex all that long. But he had met one other person at an event. "Really, I've only been out with Lex a few times."

            Achilles nodded and didn't ask further.

            Patroclus then took him to campus and showed him all the buildings he spent time in including the library and the gym, and they got a coffee at the nearly empty student center. Since it was still winter break, only a few students were making use of the facility to play ping pong or watch tv.

            "It must have been amazing to be a student here," Achilles marveled.

            "It still is," Patroclus said. "Remember, I'm not in the real world yet."

            "Oh right, Mr. Ph.D. Well, soon I'll be getting my drugs for my aching joints from you."

            He smiled with sparkling eyes, and Patroclus savored the image of his friend coming to him to feel better.

            "That would be cool, but I've actually decided not to be a pharmacist like that."

            Achilles furrowed his brow, curious. "What's that? After all this education, you're gonna bail?"

            "No," Patroclus chuckled. "I'm now planning on being a pharmaceutical researcher."

            Achilles whistled. "Listen to you! How did that happen?"

            "I like experimenting, and apparently I'm good at it. My program is sort of a cross-training thing where you get a little of both sides of this world. You know, stuff you need to know to be a pharmacist, and stuff you need to know to do research. Anyway, after my master's I started focusing more on research."

            "Huh. How did you decide that?"

            "A couple of professors talked to me. They thought I was well-suited, so here I am."

            Achilles looked at him admiringly. "My friend the researcher."

            Patroclus smiled back, warmed by his reaction. "Yeah, so maybe I'll invent a medicine to cure your aching joints not just take the pain away."

            "Now that would be incredible."

*******

            Later they met Penelope and Odysseus for dinner in a cute restaurant in Back Bay. Odysseus liked the area for the quick getaway to the highway. Penelope gushed about wedding preparations and asked Achilles for advice. He exchanged looks with Patroclus and gave cheeky answers. Patroclus remembered his indifference to wedding decisions. Odysseus mainly discussed business topics and probed Achilles on his job. As he listened to the conversation, Patroclus felt a sense of comfort and serenity that he hadn't before. He pondered it for a moment and finally realized it was that he felt like he was out on a couples' evening, that the whole day had been a couple's outing. Something about the way Achilles met his gaze before answering or the way Patroclus prompted Achilles' answers at times, it was normal. It felt right.

            He wondered if Achilles had the same impression as he watched his friend give a snarky remark to Odysseus' comment. They caught each other's eye in a kind of silent communication.

            He had to stop himself from succumbing to the seduction of that feeling. They were friends on a friends' weekend. That's all.

*******

            They ended the night back at his place looking at pictures from the day while sipping on port that Achilles had insisted on buying. Once again, on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, hands brushing each other's arms, eyes meeting with a sparkle as they talked. He wanted to prolong the day, make it last forever.

            "I'm so glad you were able to make it up here," Patroclus said turning his phone off.

            "Yeah, I don't know when I'll be able to again. You know, the baby and training, and then off to competitions."

            "Yeah, well you know I'll be following you." Reality check! Achilles had another life.

            Achilles hummed and then said, "And you should post more often."

            Patroclus looked up surprised. "What?"

            "You don't post that much. I have no idea what you're doing, but you know all about my life."

            "We text all the time."

            "It's not the same. You used to put pics up all the time. Back when you were in college."

            "Undergrad was different," he said defensively. "I'm really busy."

            "Well, post a picture of you holding a test tube or whatever you do."

            Patroclus sputtered. "Fine. How about me at an incubator?"

********

            The next morning Patroclus woke up when Achilles jumped on him on the couch.

            "Hey, sleepyhead, get up. I got you pastries."

            Patroclus stretched and squinted his eyes open to see a smiling Achilles looking down with a teasing expression.

            "What time is it?"

            "Time to get up." He reached to tickle Patroclus who contracted to avoid that.

            "Okay, fine."

            "I got us cappuccinos too."

            "I feel spoiled."

            "You better, I almost tripped up the stairs and spilled everything to get this to you right away. The pastries are still warm."

            He sat up and wrapped the blanket around himself as Achilles brought the food and coffee over. They ate and checked their phones. It was delicious, and Patroclus felt lazy and cozy in his blanket with Achilles next to him.

            "What are you doing for the rest of the day?" Achilles asked.

            "I don't know yet. What time are you leaving?"

            "Ten? Maybe. I've got to text the car service." He typed away on his phone.

            "And what are you going to do when you get back?"

            "Everyone's in the Hamptons." He screwed up his nose and stuck out his tongue. "So I'll go there. It's family time or whatever. I have to put my face in, you know, keep up appearances. My mom's there too."

            "And your dad?"

            "No way! He's staying in Manhattan. They can only get along for short periods when they have to put up a good front. Usually mom is in her Jersey City apartment, but some weekends, she'll join Dei's family in the Hamptons. Whatever." He sighed.

            After breakfast, Patroclus showered, and when he came out, Achilles was standing behind the couch with his jacket on and duffel at his feet. "Oh hey, my service is here. I'm gonna bounce."

            "It was so good to have you here," Patroclus said.

            "Yeah, I hope we can do this again, probably in the fall."

            He spotted Achilles' game system on the table. "Oh hey, don't forget your Switch." He made a move to pick it up.

            "Nah, keep it."

            "No, wait, are you sure?" Patroclus stood holding it, confused.

            "Yeah, you don't have one, right? It's yours. I'll get a new one."

*******

            Once he left, it felt like the air had been sucked out of his apartment. The light seemed dimmer, and it was so quiet. He wondered if he could find anyone else that made his life seem so full and bright. Vibrant.

            He went to his bedroom where the bed was still unmade and he stared at the jumble of blankets and the dented pillows for several minutes. He walked over and laid face down. His bed smelled like Achilles and a feeling of warmth and serenity overcame him as he breathed in that scent.

Chapter Text

            When he left the pharmacy and opened his phone, Patroclus was startled to see two messages and a voicemail among his notifications. Achilles was in San Diego in full training mode. Deidamia had found them some cliffside place in La Jolla that looked amazing. Of course. After Achilles' January visit and despite the geographical distance, they had had more contact, texts several times a day and phone calls a couple times a week, but this was unusual.

            Talk? was the first text followed by Call me. He pulled up the voicemail transcript, but it was missing key words, so he decided to listen. Achilles sounded upset, but he didn't say why. He merely repeated the need to talk and that was about it. Patroclus tried to call, but Achilles' phone went to voicemail, so he hung up and texted that he was now available.

            Worried that something bad had happened, Patroclus checked social media. Achilles had posted a picture of himself in his tracksuit with his trainer the day before. Achilles Official had a number of pictures and videos of him running, stretching or smiling while chatting with his trainer or Automedon. Deidamia's feed was all Pyrrhus, their son, who was born exactly on time three months prior. So far, she marked every week of life with a picture of him lying next to a ruler. He was a pudgy baby with bright green eyes and already a healthy wisp of red hair. Some of the pictures featured Achilles, but really her feed was primarily her and Pyrrhus.

            Nothing provided any real information, so he checked his other messages and headed home. Tonight he had his first date with Aeneas, whom he had met through another graduate student. Tall with dark brown hair and eyes and skin the color of caramel, he was a pursuing a Ph.D. in biology with a special interest in wolves. They had met for coffee the week before and had hit it off so Aeneas asked him out to dinner.

            "Hey, one who doesn't look like you know who," Briseis approvingly teased.

            Patroclus was modestly hopeful about the date and overall he was happy with the way his summer was shaping up. He had gotten a job at a pharmacy that specialized in compounding, which was a step up from the coffee shop. Granted, he wasn't allowed to do any compounding or dispense any of the drugs, but he was knowledgeable enough to answer patient questions, and he could observe the pharmacists at work. Mainly, he rang up people's purchases. And he didn't have any course work for the first time. Instead, he was researching a dissertation topic and studying for his qualifying exams that would take place his final semester.

            Back in his apartment, a new text from Achilles came in asking to talk.

            Patroclus quickly called him.

            "Hey," came a subdued voice.

            "Hey, I got your messages. What's up? Everything alright?"

            He heard Achilles breathe out heavily. "Not really."

            Patroclus' heart started beating faster and his stomach knotted up. "What happened?"

            "Um, I was at practice and I was doing hurdles and I landed funny. Like wrong. And I hurt my ankle and like my knee?"

            "Oh my god, are you okay?"

            "No, I could barely walk and my knee was popping in this weird way."

            Patroclus realized he wasn't breathing.

            "It's my ACL. I'm at the hospital now with ice on it, and it's not looking good."

            "Like how bad?"

            "Like torn, like months out of training and maybe surgery."

            They sat in silence. Patroclus was stunned. He had never imagined his friend could be hurt in any way.

            "Are you there?" Achilles asked.

            "I'm here. I'm just... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

            "I'm gonna miss World this year, and they say the rehab is tough."

            "I'm so sorry. So what are they doing now?"

            "I'm waiting for them to discharge me. I'm on some pain meds right now, so that's fine, but I'll need to get more evaluations and see specialists. God, this sucks so much."

             Patroclus felt sincerely sorry for Achilles, but he didn't have a clue what he could say. He stared at vaguely at his walls, which all seemed leeched of color and life.

            "Patroclus?"

            "Yeah?"

            "Tell me everything's going to be alright."

            He paused a moment, surprised at the request said softly but with an undertone of anxiety. Achilles had never once asked for anything like that. "Everything's gonna be alright. You are going to be alright."

*******

            He sat in stunned silence after they ended the call. His apartment seemed so quiet and dark. He wished he could be there with his friend. He wouldn't be able to do anything, but he would be there.

            He called Briseis and told her the news.

            "Oh my god, that's terrible! How's he holding up?"

            "He sounds awful. It wrecks all his hopes of competing this year."

            "We should send him something. Do you have his address? I'll send balloons."

*******

            Patroclus was still a little down when he arrived at his date. Aeneas looked stunning in a crisp, white shirt, open at the top to show a little chest hair, and he was sporting a neatly trimmed beard and mustache, which Patroclus found super attractive.

            He apologized for his mood and explained how he had received bad news about his friend. Aeneas was understanding. Instead of getting upset that Patroclus was a little out of sorts, he seemed impressed. "That's so nice that you care so much about your friend."

            After that, Patroclus was able to cheer up a little and enjoy the date.

*******

            Subsequent conversations with Achilles about tests, treatments and physical therapy revealed that he had been experiencing symptoms dating back awhile, and that he had has several slips and missteps. Running in the Ramble in Central Park, he had hit an uneven area of the path and twisted his ankle and smashed his knee. Then, he had slipped a couple of times around the reservoir. When Pyrrhus was born, he had tripped on the steps and landed on his backside, hurting knee and ankle again in the process. He thought he had treated each case well, but it appeared it hadn't been enough.

            "When we went rock climbing, you came down hard on an ankle," Patroclus mentioned, worrying that the activity he had suggested might have contributed to his ACL issue.

            "No, Pat, that wasn't a big deal. If it did anything, it was such a small thing, and we had a great time."

            As the summer progressed, he had many, many conversations with Achilles about how to move forward. Achilles thought that his Olympic career might be over.

            "They say if I want to compete again, I need to have surgery," he said sounding defeated.

            "Okay. Do that then!"

            "Not all surgeries have positive outcomes. They say that usually an athlete hurts the other one within two years."

            Patroclus had no insight. He had studied pharmacy after all. All he could suggest was painkillers or anti-anxiety meds, if Achilles was too stressed about injuries. But he didn't talk medication with his friend.

            Some of Achilles' calls were just reports, what doctors he had seen, what they said. Others were raging rants about how his life was over.

            "This is the thing that has been getting me through it all!" he practically yelled.

            Patroclus was taken aback. "What do you mean? Getting you through what?"

            "Training for the Olympics, running, working out, that's been my whole life."

            "Yeah, sure," Patroclus said slowly. "But you have other things. You have a wife and child, you have a great job."

            Achilles groaned loudly in frustration. "You don't understand!"

            His reaction surprised Patroclus. Clearly he didn't understand!

            "So, tell me. I mean, I get that the Olympics have been important..."

            "They've been my whole purpose in life!" Achilles interrupted.

            "Okay, fine, but let's just say you never compete..." Patroclus paused as Achilles groaned again loudly. "I'm just saying, let's say that because clearly you can choose surgery and train and compete again, but this is just hypothetical."

            "I don't like this," Achilles said through what sounded like clenched teeth.

            "Right, but you have a great life. You have money and a family and... pretty much... everything."

            Achilles was silent and for a moment Patroclus thought he hung up. Then he heard a sigh.

            "I guess you're saying I'm ungrateful."

            Patroclus ran a hand along his head to his neck. "No, I'm saying you have a full life, and you could just focus more on those things. You won like a million medals, didn't you?"

            Achilles paused a beat before answering, "Yeah."

            "That's more than anyone else and now you can be a family man and just enjoy that."

            Another groan. "I guess you're right. It's just..."

            "It's just what?"

            "I don't know. It's just not who I am."

*******

            Except for his worries about Achilles, his summer was going well. He had developed a solid research area to focus on in the coming year, and he felt good about his progress in his overall studies. Penelope and Odysseus got married on Cape Cod in a lovely wedding that Patroclus enjoyed but sadly Achilles had to miss. Things with Aeneas were progressing nicely. It helped that he also identified as bi so there were no problems with his orientation. They went out a few times with Briseis and Chryseis too, and they all had a nice time.

            On one of their regular calls, Achilles announced a visit at the end of August, and Patroclus was pleased. They hadn't actually seen each other since Achilles had stayed with him in January.

            "I'm really going to tell him about being bi," he told Briseis when they were waiting for coffees after a rock-climbing morning. Aeneas and Chryseis had selected a table for them and were chatting.

            "It's about time," she said. "I still don't know why you didn't do it when he was staying at your house."

            They had discussed this before and it was hard for him to make her understand. "That's exactly why. Can you imagine learning that your friend is into guys as you are about to climb into his bed? Besides, we were having a great weekend. Why spoil it with dramatic announcements?"

            She shook her head. "Well, I hope you can do it. Are you going to tell him about Aeneas?"

            They looked over as their two dates laughed at some story Chryseis was telling.

            "Yeah, this is part of the reason why. This is the longest I've seen someone. I mean, besides Lex."

            He stopped seeing them back in April. He concluded he was more the monogamous type and didn't enjoy Lex's rotation system. He really wanted to share his life with one person. Still, he had enjoyed the experience and bore no ill will toward Lex.

*******

            Patroclus was happy that Achilles was coming before the start of the semester. He wasn't yet stressed with course work and other duties. He still had the research assistantship, and his professor had told him that there would be plenty to do this year.

            When he got to Bar 10, Achilles was stunning as usual in cream colored linen shirt and pants, but when he stood, Patroclus saw the knee brace.

            "Oh wow, how is that for getting around?" he asked as they hugged. God, it still felt good. Why, why, when he had Aeneas in his life could this feel so good?

            "It's great for getting the attention from the ladies," he joked.

            They sat down and he picked up a menu. The bar had a nice selection of small plates.

            "How are things?" Achilles asked. He affected a pleasant demeanor, but Patroclus could tell underneath he was deflated.

            "Pretty good. The semester starts in a couple weeks. I'm trying to relax before the full on assault of everything begins."

            They chatted about Patroclus' pharmacy job and the summer weather, and a waiter came to take their orders. Achilles' hair had gotten quite a bit longer and Patroclus wondered if Deidamia had changed her mind about its length.

            "So, how's life with you?"

            "It mainly sucks. I should be competing now. I can't even run. This is the longest I've gone without being able to run." He shook his head. "Instead, I've been playing video games. At least I'm off all the meds, but this brace can get hot. "

            "And what about Pyrrhus? That must be a great consolation."

            "Right now, he mainly just shits and cries." He made a face. "Don't get me wrong, I love him. I'm amazed he exists at all, but it's not much fun right now."

            "He must keep you busy."

            "Dei got a nanny, and we have a maid, so...." He shrugged. "Right now, it's just not the life I want, you know."

            "Have you decided on the operation?"

            Achilles looked off. "Not really. I probably should."

            Their food arrived, but Patroclus found his appetite diminished as he pondered shifting the conversation to his revelation. Achilles continued talking about physical therapy, recovery times, resuming training after an extended injury. They went through the advantages and disadvantages of pursuing different therapies over and over. Achilles mentioned several times not knowing what his life would be like without the focus of competition.

            When they finished their food and ordered a second round of drinks, there was a lull, and Achilles asked about his studies.

            "How much do you have left?"

            "This is my last year of coursework. Then I'll have a dissertation."

            "Seriously? You're really getting it done! My friend the Ph.D.!"

            "Yeah, and I have a conference coming up in November. Down in New York."

            "Like the city?"

            Patroclus hummed a response. "I was hoping we could meet up.

            "You should stay with me." Patroclus tried to protest, but Achilles was firm. "Don't spend money on a hotel, seriously. We have lots of space. And it would be like when I stayed with you. We could hang out, do stuff."

            "That would be great thanks."

            Achilles then asked if he was dating anyone. This was his chance. And really, Achilles had been married over a year now, and had a kid, so how could this threaten him?

            "Well, actually." His heart raced in his chest. The words stuck in his throat. Just push through that, keep going. "I am." He took a large drink.

            Achilles nodded, full attention on Patroclus. "Great. What's she like?"

            This is it. Tell him. He breathed out in preparation. "So, his name is Aeneas. He's studying biology and we've been going out since earlier this summer."

            Achilles froze. "His name." He was searching Patroclus' eyes for something, maybe something he'd missed all these years. "You're dating a guy?"

            Patroclus nodded.

            "You're seeing a guy because... you're... gay?"

            "Bi. I'm bi."

            "You're bi," he said dully, his eyes sharp and penetrating.

            Patroclus nodded stupidly.

            "So you've dated a guy before?"

            He steeled himself with a strong intake of breath. "I have dated some guys."

            Achilles' frowned and tilted his head in his attempt to comprehend. "You've dated... guys. Plural."

            "So, I date men and women, and Lex was nonbinary, you know we stopped back in April? I told you that. And I would date trans people. So, it's like, I date all genders. I know some people would say they're pan, but I don't really like that name for one, but also bi has a history to it that I like. But too, you know people who are pan say they like the person, not the gender. But for me, I see gender, I just can be attracted to different ones. So maybe omni fits me, but really I prefer bi." He was rambling now, repeating sentences he had heard and said himself in a bi+ discussion group he attended a few times when he was in undergrad and still figuring himself out. So much for the articulate grad student he could be in his own field! "So yeah, so right now, I'm seeing a guy, and I've mostly dated guys in recent years."

            He came to a stop, having run out of things to ramble about, and he nodded inanely again. As he spoke, he could practically see Achilles' mind working, his brain sorting and shifting to adjust to this new reality.

            They sat in silence, Achilles' brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. This was the part he had dreaded. Achilles was shaping his view of Patroclus based on this information, his image was tilting and warping with this new thing Achilles hadn't known before. Patroclus hated this, hated the thought that Achilles might be disgusted by this revelation.

            "You've slept with guys?"

            Oh god! Was Achilles imagining him having sex now? Patroclus squirmed and cringed internally as he nodded, worried about whatever Achilles was thinking.

            "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked it softly and with some amazement.

            Why hadn't he? This was why!

            "Well, there really didn't seem to be an occasion? And I was worried about your reaction. I mean, a lot of straight guys feel awkward if I bring this up. I haven't always gotten the best of reactions when I've told people, and anyway, you had so much great news and I was busy with studies, and I wasn't seeing anyone. Until now. Now I'm dating someone." God, he was rambling again.

            "You know you can tell me anything."

            "Well, I would hope, but this isn't an easy thing."

            "And you've known since..."

            "Undergrad sometime?"

            "College. You've known since college."

            "Yeah, undergrad. I think I was during freshman year when I started thinking about it."

            Achilles nodded slowly, and there was a long pause. God, Patroclus hated this whole thing. He hoped their friendship would remain intact at the end of the evening.

            "I guess I just wish I would have known."

            Patroclus nodded and felt stupid. "I just didn't want it to change anything between us."

            For once, he had no idea what Achilles was thinking. His friend was staring off, frowning, clearly processing the news. Then he shook his head and finished the champagne in his glass. "Can I meet this... what did you say his name was?"

            "Aeneas."

            "Aeneas. Can I meet him next time?"

            Patroclus felt a little relief. "Yeah, of course."

            But the rest of the evening, Achilles looked at him differently and spoke with a different tone, nothing that he could pinpoint exactly. Just... different. A couple of times, when Patroclus turned back to him after looking elsewhere, Achilles was staring at him. He was sure that Achilles thought of him differently now.

            And Patroclus hated it.

*******

            I told him Patroclus texted Briseis when he got home.

            He threw the phone on his couch as he went into the bathroom to prepare for bed. He stared at his reflection and wondered if he had wrecked a friendship of a decade and a half. Achilles had barely hugged him when they said goodbye. The lyrics to "Heart in a Cage" that he had listened to on the T back home still banged in his head. I don't want what you want, I don't feel what you feel... All of those you loved, you mistrust, Help me, I'm just not quite myself. He decided to take a shower. The warm water soothed him.

            When he came out, he picked up his phone. There were two missed calls and three texts from Briseis about talking.

            Dont wabt to talk now, he texted her. He probs thinks im disgusting.

            The phone rang, and he thought about not responding, but he ended up hitting the button.

            "I'm sure he doesn't think you're disgusting," she said.

            "You didn't see the look on his face, Bri." He plopped onto his couch and stared into the dark room. He hadn't turned on any lights, and he was glad for that. "I think he was imagining me having sex with a dude."

            "I'm sure he wasn't doing that."

            "What if I ruined it? What if I ruined our friendship?"

            "I doubt you did," she soothed. "Achilles is your friend. It just might be different going forward."

            He leaned over his knees putting a hand on his forehead. "I hope you're right. I just feel really sick about it all right now."

Chapter Text

            After the Night of the Revelation, as Patroclus thought of it, their communication lessened. Whereas after January they texted multiple times a day and talked every three or four days, they now could go days without exchanging a message. In addition, Achilles stopped calling and answering calls. Patroclus was beside himself with stress and anxiety, wondering if he had done the right thing by telling Achilles' about his orientation. If he hadn't, everything would be the same, their friendship would be solid.  

            The semester started as usual, and at least he had more than enough to keep him busy, courses, tutoring, research. Back in his role as grad student, he was on more stable ground. He felt like a capable adult and not the mess of emotion he turned into whenever he thought about Achilles.

            He also worried about introducing Aeneas to Achilles, so he asked Briseis and Chryseis to join them. It didn't help that his questions about a potential visit went unanswered, his texts left on 'read' for days. What would it be like to sit between his friend and his boyfriend as they made small talk? His stomach knotted at the thought.

            Briseis smiled with sympathy. "Sure, no problem."

            "I just... don't know that I can face a meeting with just the three of us, you know, mediating between Aeneas and Achilles."

            "Yeah, you want a buffer, and some moral support."

            He nodded and breathed out, "Yeah."

            However, he shouldn't have been concerned because Achilles didn't come down in September or October, which is when he decided to call it quits with Aeneas. There was nothing he could put his finger on exactly. The relationship simply ran its course. Whatever interest had been there was gone. Aeneas seemed to think so too. He accepted the breakup without putting up much resistance, just a sad expression and nod. They left that last meeting with a hug and a muttered statement about being friends that Patroclus knew they didn't mean.

            Given their diminished communication, Patroclus tried a couple of times to ask if his revelation bothered Achilles, but his friend always brushed the comments aside. Of course he was cool with Patroclus' orientation, he said. Patroclus should stop fretting.

            His words didn't comfort Patroclus though, whose mind wandered toward his worries in those moments when he took some time off from his coursework and grad duties. He spent evenings listening to music and staring into space once he closed the computer windows filled with pdf journal articles and notes.

            The words of The Strokes as usual pulled the nostalgia strings. When we was young, oh man, did we have fun... Promises, they break before they're made...  alone we stand, together we fall apart.

            How would his life be without the vibrant presence of Achilles? Who would he be if he didn't have their friendship? Even though they were apart, Patroclus always felt him in the background of his life and always hoped that they would find a way to be together more often.

            Briseis also called Achilles to check in. She reported that Achilles was suspicious of the purpose of her call and insisted to her that all was fine. He added that the only issue was Patroclus had waited so long to tell him, like he thought Achilles would reject his friendship. Briseis tried to soothe that over, declaring that she had trouble coming out to people too, and it could be hard to do.

            When the dates of his conference approached, he decided he couldn't stay with Achilles. The idea of having to spend that much time with him was too stressful.

            Ill stay in a hotel, he texted.

            No I insisr stay here. plus yoou nver visited.

            "Maybe it's better," Briseis told him. "If you stay with him and hang out, he'll see that you are the same person. You'll be the same as always."

            "Maybe," Patroclus replied, doubtful. "I'm just sorry I told him now."

            Briseis sighed. "I for one think it's better you told him. You were going to have to tell him some time."

            He gazed off. "I guess, but this is not the way I wanted it to go."

            She smiled at him. "Lots of what happens in our lives doesn't go the way we want."

********

            He bussed to Manhattan and was met by Achilles' car service who took him to the Upper West Side. It was a dreary, drizzly morning and the traffic was terrible, but Patroclus appreciated the ability to relax in the spacious back seat and watch passersby and the crazy cabs. He texted Achilles that he had arrived and got a reply that Achilles had appointments that morning. They would see each other later that night. He could use the car service as needed.

            At the apartment building, Patroclus had to check in with the doorman who examined a list and also phoned Achilles to see if he had permission to visit. Then, he took an elevator fourteen floors up where he was greeted by a maid who led him to his room and showed him around. The apartment was an amazing space in muted colors with hard wood floors. In addition to the modern art there were giant pictures on the walls of what looked to be photoshoots of Deidamia in outlandish clothes and pouting faces, covers of magazines with Achilles wearing his Olympic medals and some fancy baby pictures of Pyrrhus dressed as a pumpkin and baby bird. Achilles' braid and some medals were also framed. The living room looked out over Central Park. The guest room was about the size of his Allston apartment with its own bathroom that was bigger than his kitchen and tiled in what looked like expensive Italian marble or travertine.

            This is a great place, he texted Achilles, and he took a selfie in front of the window.

            Achilles reacted with a heart, which struck Patroclus as promising.

********

            After checking into the conference, he spent the day listening to presentations and mingling with participants. He saw several of his fellow grad students from Boston as well as one of his professors. The conference sponsored a happy hour meet and greet that he also attended, and overall he was satisfied with the day. Several people mentioned an interest in his presentation, which he would give the next day.

            The car service took him back to Achilles' place where the doorman greeted him by name and allowed him upstairs with minimal fuss. The maid was no longer there, and Patroclus let himself in with the keys he had received earlier.

            It was eerily quiet in the apartment. No noises from neighboring spaces. No city noise. Achilles was not there and Patroclus had no new messages, so he wondered when his friend would arrive. Should he text he had returned? He thought not. Instead, he decided to take a shower and review his paper. Hair still damp, he pulled out his laptop and set it up on the dining table. When he glanced up, he saw the lights of the city across the park.

            He was lost in thought about a couple of the concepts of his presentation when he heard the clunk of locks. Then the sound of a door hitting the wall, the brush of bags against walls, and breathing.

            "Pat? Are you here?" Achilles' voice rang out down the hallway.

            "Yeah, here."

            "Great." Achilles appeared laden with bags and headed for the kitchen. "I got some stuff for us. Sushi, and things to drink. Are you hungry?"

            "I'm alright. We had a happy hour at the conference." Patroclus stood and followed him to the kitchen.

            "But not dinner, right? Look, this is the best sushi in Manhattan, probably in the US. These sushi chefs, they train like you wouldn't imagine."

            Achilles was limping slightly, opening bags, pulling out containers, bottles. "I got this Sancerre, it's pretty good, but if you don't want wine, I picked up this pearl sake. You drink it cold. I really like it. We could eat in the living room, if you want. Watch something."

            He continued moving around the space organizing, arranging, setting out dishes as he spoke, talking the whole time.

            "That dumbass doctor made me wait like an hour, and then I needed new scans. Like I just had some last month! And PT sucked today. And the rest of the day, ugh, I don't want to think about it."

            Finally, he had pulled everything out and disposed of the bags and stopped. He looked up at Patroclus, flushed and smiling. "How was your day?"

            Patroclus felt a jolt as their eyes met. How could it be that Achilles always had this effect?

            "It was good," he said with a smile, their eyes still locked. He had no idea what Achilles was thinking.

            "I wanna hear about it," Achilles said, breaking the spell. "What do you want to drink?"

            They opted for the pearl sake that Patroclus had never had before. The sushi was amazing, an attractive mix of nigiri, sashimi and rolls, beautifully presented on a bamboo platter. Achilles sat in a leather armchair and fiddled with the remote while Patroclus plopped on the sofa. Achilles flipped through his music to find a Music of the 2000s and Beyond! playlist for their background. The screen flashed "important" information about the song and singer in question.

            "This has great songs in it," Achilles stated.

            "Where's Deidamia?" Patroclus asked as they started eating. He felt a little awkward. Their conversation usually flowed so easily, and this felt like small talk. At least he could shove sushi into his mouth and not look up. "And your son?"

            "They're out at the Hamptons this weekend. That's where they spend their time these days."

            "How are things with him?"

            "It's fun. He has some favorite toys, and he's crawling. And he makes all kinds of goofy sounds. Yeah, he's good."

            "You don't want to be out there with them?"

            "I'll go out on Sunday."

            They sat a moment in silence. Patroclus took a sip of the pearl sake and wondered what to say. He was curious about Pyrrhus, but he was relieved Deidamia would not appear suddenly.

            Achilles continued, "I was hoping we could have fun like we did when I came up to Boston in January. That was a fun time."

            Patroclus hummed an answer.

            "So tell me about your conference. Did you do your paper?"

            "Tomorrow afternoon." Then, Patroclus relayed his thoughts on the day as Achilles listened without saying much. He realized they hadn't hugged, and he wondered if this meant anything. He also noticed that Achilles tended to look anywhere but him except a few times when Patroclus had been gazing off. When he turned, Achilles lowered his head quickly and selected a piece of sushi. When Patroclus finished describing the conference, they ate in silence and he thought about asking if they were still good, if Achilles was sure he wasn't bothered by Patroclus' revelation in August. The words stuck in his throat, and he realized he was staring when Achilles looked up a couple of times. He averted his eyes as quickly as he could.        

            After they finished eating, they sat slumped in their seats. He felt more relaxed from the sake, not so awkward or weird.

            "Are you still dating that guy, what's his name?" Achilles asked so nonchalantly it was clearly feigned, and Patroclus realized he was thinking about his orientation.

            "No, we broke up." When he looked up, Achilles was staring at him, his eyes seemingly a deeper shade of emerald than usual.

            "Oh. That sucks."

            Patroclus shrugged. "It wasn't a bad break up or anything. It just wasn't going anywhere." None of my relationships do, the thought glumly, but he didn't want to say that.

            They sat in silence watching music trivia as he contemplated his inability to keep in a relationship. At least he had his grad work, and that was positive.

            "I should go to bed," Patroclus said without making any move to get up.

            Achilles said, "When you finish tomorrow, we could go celebrate your conference."

            "Celebrate?"

            "Yeah, like you're a real researcher doing this important stuff. I'll take you to dinner and we could go party or something."

            Patroclus liked the sound of that. He couldn't tell how Achilles felt, but he seemed to be making an effort. He really wanted things to go back to the way they were.

            They flipped through channels, drank more sake, and after a while Patroclus went to bed. Achilles continued clicking through channels.

********

            Patroclus was thrilled about how his paper went. It was a well-attended session with his professor and other students from his program in the audience. He hoped he was better than some of the presenters he had seen, not too fast or too slow, or just disorganized. The discussion after was interesting, and he got compliments, so he felt positive about his paper, like a real academic who belonged here, who belonged in this field doing this work.

            When he left the conference, Achilles' car service was waiting and his friend was inside. He seemed to have already started drinking.

            "Hey, how did it go?" he asked loudly giving Patroclus a clumsy side hug.

            "Good, I think." He was relieved it was over, and overall pleased with his conference experience.

            "Cool, I picked out a place for us, and I have a little something to get you started here." He poured Patroclus a glass of champagne and handed it over.

            "Thanks," Patroclus responded, surprised.

            "To my friend the researcher," Achilles said, and they clinked glasses.

            "So where are we going?" Patroclus asked enjoying the champagne. It was fun to be drinking in the back seat of a nice car, like he was a celebrity or in a movie about rich people.

            "West Village," Achilles replied. He gazed out the window as he sipped.

            The traffic was heavy, but it moved steadily, and soon, the car stopped in front of the restaurant. Achilles had made reservations, which was good as the restaurant was fairly full, and they were led to a round booth near the middle. They hadn't had much of a chance to look at the menu when their waiter appeared and suggested the five-course tasting menu with a paired drinks. They exchanged a look and nodded in agreement.

            They sat a moment awkwardly, Patroclus trying not to stare at Achilles who was scanning the room.

            "Do you and Deidamia come here a lot?" he thought to ask at last.

            "Ah, hell no," Achilles said, with an expression of surprise and something like disgust. "One, Deidamia eats like a leaf of lettuce or a smoothie with spinach and shit or whatever. She barely eats anything, seriously. And B, Deidamia does not come to the Village at all."

            Something about his adamant tone made Patroclus laugh and Achilles turned to him with a curious look. "What's so funny?"

            "I don't know, just the way you said it sounds funny."

            Achilles joined him in laughter and Patroclus found himself relieved that he wasn't sharing a space that she usually occupied.

            "What do you two do when you're in the city?"

            "Well, with Pyrrhus, not much."

            "Before him?"

            "Fancy restaurants, dinners with important people, fundraisers."

            Patroclus hummed and Achilles added, "I really don't want to talk about her right now."

            "Alright," Patroclus said, not really surprised. Achilles never really wanted to talk about her.

            The first drink, called a Sidecar, and a bonus dish of a raw oyster came, and they clinked glasses and talked about the food or meals they had eaten elsewhere, and somehow, they seemed back to the way Patroclus preferred them, talking about dumb little things. Food and drink came steadily as the five courses and a few extras were brought each with a wonderful wine. As the effect of the alcohol took effect, Patroclus relaxed, and they exchanged stories about quirky people. He told Achilles about some of the bad presenters at the conference and a strange grad student who clung to some of the attendees, asking strange questions. Achilles told him some of the odd things health professionals did or said. With each story, it seemed funnier and funnier, and they started touching each other's arms. He was relieved that the awkwardness was gone. They really did seem back to their usual friendship.

            After their meal, they headed to another bar where they got more cocktails and located a seat at a small corner table. The place was packed and loud. Screens showed strange AI generated landscapes that twirled and shifted into something different in time to loud electronic music that never stopped but gave way to a new rhythm and chord progression. In the visuals, cityscapes warped into mountains which swirled to ocean scenes which shifted to deformed people with odd cubist faces and on and on. Patroclus was fascinated but also weirded out by the images and he had to tear his eyes away. He pointed out the screens as a desert with camels melted into another cityscape. To talk, they had to lean right into each other's ear.

            "That is the freakiest thing I've seen," Achilles responded loudly. For some reason, that made them sputter with laughter leaning in toward each other.  

            Under the influence of all their drinks, Patroclus was emboldened enough by their interactions and the closeness of the way they were seated, bodies touching, to say, "You're sure my orientation doesn't bother you?"

            Achilles was clearly also quite tipsy and seemed confused a moment. After brief eye contact, he responded, "I think you're facing a good direction."

            This sent them into further laughter, but Patroclus, not satisfied with a joke, asked, "No, I mean, the fact that I'm bi."

            That set them off too for some reason, but when they finally calmed down, Achilles appeared thoughtful. "I have something I need to tell you." He leaned away to catch Patroclus' eye. Something in the situation made them snicker once again. It took them some time to recover, but before Achilles could reveal the information, an argument broke out nearby with the potential to escalate into a fight. Achilles grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the door. It was hard to tell what the dispute was about. Men were yelling and other men were holding them back, keeping fists from contacting jaws or whatever. The music covered up anything comprehensible.

            "Let's bail," Achilles suggested and Patroclus nodded.

            They joined a stream of people leaving the venue and the cold air slapped him across the face. He was surprised how refreshing it felt. He had no impression of being in stifling air in the bar, but it was nice to be out. And his ears seemed to be ringing.

            "What did you want to tell me?" he said, remembering suddenly that they had been talking.

            Achilles didn't answer. He squinted up and down the street.

            "Let's find another place," he said instead, grabbing Patroclus' arm. They walked down the street, scrutinizing the cafes, restaurants, and bars, all still lively and busy. Letting himself be guided, Patroclus vaguely wondered what time it was. He could get out his phone, but he didn't. He kind of liked the idea of being outside of time.

            "Here," Achilles declared, his grip still on Patroclus' arm.

            They entered another bar with the usual burly guy guarding the door and some electronic music blaring. Monitors displayed AI generated shapes that could be the interior of lava lamps or bubbles in pastel colors, moving in time to the beats. Patroclus realized that someone had sampled Lady Gaga's Pokerface, overlaying some of the lyrics and the hooks onto electronic notes, echoing enticingly through the music. It was dark in the venue and hard to see but after a short hesitation, Achilles dragged him to the bar where he practically had to yell an order. A strange three-color shot arrived and they knocked it back. The flavor was odd, fruit up front with a heavy hit of alcohol in the middle and a punch of spice at the end, like cinnamon. Patroclus wasn't sure he liked it.

            Achilles then ordered them something else, a fruit drink of some kind. Patroclus took a moment to look around, his eyes now adjusted to the dark, and he perceived something odd about the place. It took a moment to realize, but then he felt a jolt of recognition. This was a gay bar. There was a notable lack of women but the way the men were dancing was the clearest giveaway.

            The music shifted and it's raining men layered over I wanna dance with somebody entered the mix as Pokerface faded out of the groove, and a cheer went up. He noticed a few guys making out nearby.

            Achilles turned to hand him a drink and clinked his glass.

            "This is a gay bar," he said, anxiously.

            "What?"

            "This is a gay bar," he repeated more loudly into his ear.

            Achilles looked around sipping on his beverage. It was too dark to gauge his reaction.

            "Is this okay for you?" Patroclus asked. He couldn't imagine straight guys would feel comfortable in this environment.

            "It's fine," he replied after some more scrutiny. "I'm serious, it's fine."

            Patroclus was worried that he was pretending, even though Achilles was always honest. How could he be at ease in this environment?

            They maneuvered away from the bar and Achilles was taking large gulps. Maybe he wanted to leave more quickly now that he realized what was going on.

            "Drink up," he instructed, and Patroclus tried to drink more quickly. It had pineapple and coconut and orange. Maybe rum? He liked it whatever it was.

            Taylor Swift's Trouble mixed with Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball. He looked at Achilles, who seemed to be smiling, though it was hard to tell in the mix of pastel lights, blue, pink, lavender.

            "Let's dance," he suggested, and before Patroclus could reply, he took the empty glass and set it on a table to drag him toward the writhing bodies. They always did like to dance, but there was something nagging him with how relaxed Achilles was moving in the crowd. Did it really not bother him to be in a gay bar? Or was the fact that they had drunk so much meant he just didn't care?

            They moved to the music and were jostled by those nearby so they bumped into one another. Patroclus relaxed as he saw Achilles enjoying himself. He felt light-headed and giddy, enjoying the music and leaning into his tipsiness. The electronic music shifted to a new rhythm and the vocals love me love me say that you love me combined with I love you always forever echoed into the notes, again, still just a few of the lyrics layered into the music, which had never fully stopped. The way they were pushed together by the movement of the crowd sent little shocks through his body. Achilles was laughing, and he couldn't help but join in. He said something once that Patroclus didn't catch, and he didn't see or hear the request to repeat.

            The music slowed and the lyrics love to love you baby alternated with let's get it on. People merged into pairs or trios with solos either leaving or swaying slowly. Achilles reached for him. He might have said something again. Patroclus wasn't sure, and they danced as they did back at the senior prom, swaying slowly. Achilles had his arms around Patroclus' neck and as the music progressed, his head found his shoulder. Patroclus leaned into Achilles' hair, soft and smelling of sweat and his own scent. He felt electrified, drunk beyond what he had actually consumed, his brain swimming in the rhythm of the music and their movements. Achilles began moving his head, rubbing his face on Patroclus' chin, and Patroclus couldn't help but reciprocate. Achilles' mouth came to his ear. "I have something to tell you."

            Patroclus hummed an answer, still given over to the thrum in his body.

            "I... think I'm bi too."

            The sentence sent a jolt through his body and he pulled back, stunned. Leaning back in so he could speak into Achilles' ear. "Don't tease me."

            "I'm not. I think I'm bi too."

            They stopped dancing and stared at one another. Patroclus couldn't process the intent of those words, but then Achilles leaned in so their foreheads and noses pressed together, and then their lips, grazing slightly, sending another electric sensation down his spine. In part the alcohol meant his mind was operating more slowly, but his body was ready to react without the concerns his brain might pump out. He pressed into the kiss, deepening it, opening his lips, and Achilles followed. They swayed to the music and kissed, and despite being in a crowd, he felt like they were the only two for long moments.

            "Do you wanna get out of here?" Achilles asked finally, eyes languid. And, yes, yes he did. They clasped hands and Achilles led him through the crowd as the music shifted again and the lyric You make me feel mighty real sounded over a faster beat.

            Once again, the cold air hit him in the face as the exited the building. Swaying slightly, Achilles pulled out his phone. "I'll text the car."  They let go of their hands and stopped shoulder to shoulder so he could send the message. As soon as he finished, he turned to Patroclus, gaze flitting from his eyes to his lips, and they crashed together again, hands on each other's heads. It was a sloppy and unstable kiss, interrupted by a ping. Achilles pulled away and squinted at his phone.

            "Where are we?"

            They found a street sign, and Achilles announced they had to walk a block east. "That's where he's waiting and it will be easier to get back up town."

            They grabbed hands and headed in that direction. Suddenly an important question formed in Patroclus' head. Had Achilles planned this?

            "Did you know that was a gay bar?"

            "What? How would I have known?"

            Patroclus shrugged. "I don't know, just..." Their eyes met and they started laughing again, leaning into each other, which led to another kiss. They ended it by rubbing their foreheads together. Patroclus felt electric or like he was under a spell. He wanted more contact, more kissing, more Achilles.

            Achilles smiled at him and pulled him forward again. As promised, the car was waiting for them and they settled into the middle of the back seat holding hands.

            "We have to behave," Achilles whispered, which got them laughing again. Once they calmed down, they started caressing each other's hands. It was incredibly intimate and intense. If he caught Achilles' gaze, he felt a surge through his whole body.

            "When did you realize you were bi?" he asked softly with their eyes locked.

            Achilles sat a moment without looking away before answering. "It was after you told me about you." He started sliding down into a slump and Patroclus joined him, their heads close but not touching. "I had thought of myself as occasionally gay."

            "Occasionally gay?" He struggled to keep his voice low as he laughed.

            "I know. I didn't think of bi." He joined him in a snicker. "I thought I was straight with occasional lapses. Like you."

            "What?"

            "You are one of my lapses, you, back when we were kids."

            "Oh right." His idea of Achilles was now shifting, and he realized that his friend didn't think of their practice sessions as only practice.

            Back in the Upper West Side, they made sure to exit the car and greet the doorman without touching or showing any other signs of affection. In the elevator, they stood in opposite corners grinning at each other and exchanging knowing glances. Achilles said there were cameras in there.

            It's only when they got into the apartment that they grabbed each other and began kissing intensely. They stopped only to pull off their jackets and shoes. Then, Patroclus pushed Achilles up against the wall and they stayed there a long time making out. He could feel Achilles' bulge against his own and it drove him crazy.

            Finally, Achilles pushed at him a little. "Wait, wait," he gasped. "Let's go to your room."

            Patroclus smiled and took his hand. Achilles stopped at another door. "One moment."

            Patroclus impatiently waited for Achilles to reemerge, brandishing a small bottle of lube and a strip of condoms. "Gonna need these."

            In the guest room, they lay on the bed kissing and exploring. Patroclus nudged Achilles' legs with his knee and they opened allowing him to come on top. He held Achilles' hands over his head as they kissed and moved against one another through their clothes. It was amazing to have this body against his, to feel the contours of muscle and bone, to be enveloped in his heat and scent. He had no room in his mind for anything other than these sensations, and he simultaneously wanted to get release and have this luscious feeling last forever.

            They pulled away a moment to gaze into each other's eyes and Achilles smiled up at him.

            "This is so much better than my dreams," Achilles said.

            Patroclus responded with another deep kiss.

********

            The night seemed like one of those from myth or legend, where the gods delay the dawn so that lovers might have a prolonged tryst. They were alternately gentle and rough, and the intimacy was something Patroclus had never experienced. Thankfully, whatever experiences Achilles had had in his "occasionally gay" lapses, he seemed to know what he liked and he wasn't shy about letting Patroclus know what he enjoyed. His responsiveness amazed Patroclus, and he hadn't anticipated that his take charge friend would prefer to be handled, manipulated, and turned into a boneless creature of passion, but he loved it and found it a huge turn on.

            When they were finished and Patroclus ensured they were cleaned up after, they cuddled with soft kisses. And if Patroclus had enjoyed their passionate love making, he thrilled at this tender moment. He realized that for however much his sex dreams seemed real and imprinted on his body, they were vague and he had had no idea how it would actually feel. This was beyond anything he had imagined.

********

            The next morning, he woke in a start to an empty bed. Had he dreamed it all? It did appear two people had used it and he could smell Achilles' scent everywhere. He got up and pulled on his boxers and a tshirt and started rummaging for his phone. It must be in his jacket which he had left at the front door.

            He stepped out of the room and called Achilles' name. There was no response. He checked the living room, noting the dull light from a cloudy day filtering in. He put his head into the kitchen and saw pastries on the counter. He headed back up the hallway, knocked on a closed door. Finally he located his jacket and therefore his phone. It was after twelve, and he saw a text from Achilles.

            Apt is yours, help yrself. A second message read Off to H'tons.

Chapter Text

            Apt is yours, help yrself.

            Off to H'tons.

            Patroclus stared at the two texts and wondered what he should respond. In his concern about finding Achilles, he hadn't noticed the symptoms of a hangover, but now his head pounded. He returned to the kitchen and put a pod in the coffee maker. The first gulp of coffee soured his stomach, and the almond croissant didn't taste all that sweet. He really had hoped to spend the morning with Achilles, like they had in Boston those months ago. Or afternoon at this point.

            He wandered out to the living area with his coffee and pastry, chewing without really registering the taste. The eyes of the family in the portraits on the wall followed him to the window, Deidamia's pout an accusation, baby Pyrrhus a reminder of Achilles' responsibilities.

            He hadn't thought of them at all. Had Achilles? His pictures look as happy as ever, grinning confidently at the camera with gold medals glinting.

            Patroclus finished his croissant and turned away from their gazes to look out the window. He sipped his coffee. Down below, he could see people moving around. I should head out. I need to get back to Boston, he thought.

            Now that he had eaten something and drunk about half the cup, his stomach felt better and his headache was easing, but he felt disconnected from everything. He went to the guest room to pack his bag avoiding any glimpse of the wall art. Once there, though, the unmade bed was another accusation. What they had done. How he had enjoyed it. How he hadn't a thought about today as he had done it.

            I should reply to Achilles, he thought, playing out various responses in his head.

            He finally decided on a text. Going home. I had a great time. Thanks for everything.  

            He stared at the words a long time before hitting send. Then, he took a shower, dressed, and closed his bag. The whole time he wondered what last night meant for Achilles. Were they two friends who hooked up once so that Achilles could satisfy some curiosity? Was it just because they got drunk? Was Achilles nostalgic for their "practice sessions"? He knew what it meant for him. But Achilles had a wife and a child. He was with them now. If Achilles were here, they could talk, but Patroclus was alone with the rumpled bed mocking him, teasing him with memories of last night. It had been so good. He could still feel the ghost of Achilles' hands on his back and head. Did he imagine their connection and intimacy? Was it all just physical for Achilles?

            He checked his phone. No new message from Achilles. Only a couple from fellow grad students asking some logistical questions about work and a happy hour that week. He sighed and answered them and then left the building. The doorman bade him a cheerful goodbye and he was out on the streets of New York. Dreary and strange. Not his town. The dark clouds weighed down on him and it felt humid and chilly. At least it wasn't raining.

            Despite the distance, he decided to walk to the bus stop. He hoped the cool air and the activity would clear his head. He located an entrance to Central Park and cut through heading downtown. His mind was still abuzz with thoughts of Achilles and what had happened. He checked his phone regularly to see no new messages and barely noticed the people and activity around him. Everything appeared leeched of color under the gray sky and all sound arrived as if from a distance.

            It wasn't until he was on the bus, tired from his walk that his phone buzzed. It was Briseis.          

            How is your weekend with A.?

            He sighed. What to tell her? Fine. All good.

            Still friends?

            Were they? What were they? Yes, he replied. All good.

            Told you.

            As soon as he read her message a text from Achilles dinged causing his heart to skip a beat.

            Glad you had fun. I did too.

            The three dots of waiting appeared and Patroclus held his breath curious about the next words. Coming to B'ton on Fri. Wanna hang out?

            Patroclus smiled. Yes, they must still be friends. They could talk then.

*********

            The week dragged by with his usual courses, research duties, and tutoring. When he had some mental space, he practiced conversations to have with Achilles concerning their situation. The problem was he had no idea how his friend would react to his questions. Would he be understanding? Upset? Angry? What was he even feeling?

            When Friday arrived, he turned into an impatient mess. He could barely focus in the single class he had that morning and had to restart some of his work tasks since he had such trouble concentrating. At least he was able to leave at two so he wouldn't cause any more trouble. He headed to the gym for an extra-long workout and then home to shower and clean his apartment. He about lost his mind waiting for the text that said his friend would get there soon.

            Achilles arrived at 7 bearing two bottles of wine and Indian take out. As soon as their gazes met, Patroclus felt a surge of electricity throughout his body and he couldn't stop the smile forming on his face. Achilles also seemed to light up, and that delighted him. They tried a short, awkward hug around his bags.

            Achilles said, "I have to put these down."

            "How are things?" Patroclus said, trying to affect a natural tone even though he was ecstatic Achilles was here.

            "The usual, how about you?"

            They busied themselves with the tasks of unpacking food and pouring drinks. Every time their eyes met, he felt the same giddiness as when Achilles came in the door. He wondered how he could turn the conversation to their relationship. Or were they just friends again? If they were, he would feel stupid. He thought he detected the same feelings in Achilles but he wasn't sure.

            They ate and drank wine as they watched a movie using the story to guide their conversation. They gradually got tipsy and became silly, poking fun at it. Laughing, they leaned into one another, which sent sensations all through Patroclus' body. At some point, a side glance led to kissing, and the movie was forgotten. It felt so good and he really ached for more, to be naked against Achilles' skin. But he had to get control!

            After some making out, Patroclus pulled back with some difficulty. "Achilles."

            "Hmm?" He nibbled at Patroclus' jaw.

            "Where does Deidamia think you are?"

            Achilles's eyes flew open and he stopped. "She knows I'm in Boston," he replied defensively.      

            "But..."

            "I don't want to talk about her." His voice was adamant. "I don't want to think about her in this space."

            "Okay, but don't you think we should talk about our situation?"

            "I can think of much better uses for our mouths right now." His voice was softer and he ran a hand through Patroclus' hair and held the nape of his neck firmly as he kissed him. "We can talk later," he whispered right in his ear. Then Achilles' teeth were scraping Patroclus' chin, and his brain lost all rational thought. This was all he wanted.

            "Okay," he replied softly.

            Achilles spent the night, and it was another amazing night of intimacy, not quite a repeat of the week before. They were decidedly less drunk for one and therefore more aware of what they were doing. Because of that, they were a shyer about certain aspects of what they were doing and found themselves timidly checking with the other. Is this okay? Do you like that? Soon, those worries dissipated, and they were in full thrall to their passion.

            One thing that was exactly the same: Achilles left before Patroclus woke up.

            He grabbed the pillow Achilles had been using and hugged it, taking in his scent, remembering the scenes of the night before. His body ached. He really wanted to hear Achilles' voice. When had he left? He must be awake.

            There were no messages from him, and Patroclus toyed with the thought of texting. In the end he decided to call.

            Achilles didn't take long to pick up. "Hey! Pat! You're awake!"

            "Yeah, I am. Um, what time did you leave?"

            Achilles paused. "I don't know. Half hour ago."

            "I was going to make us breakfast." He realized he was sounding a little petulant when he wanted to sound natural. "I was going to make us pancakes."

            "Well, I had to go, and you looked so cozy asleep, so you know..."

            "Maybe next time you can stay?"

            Achilles sighed. "Look, I'm almost to the airport. There are some things I need to do and I need to get back to New York."

            "Sure, but we didn't talk about us..."

            "Pat, listen, can we do this another time? It's too early. I haven't had my coffee and I don't want to talk on the phone. We'll talk next time, okay?"

            "Okay," he replied tentatively. He wanted to ask more, get some clarity, but Achilles' tone made him hesitate. And he wasn't even sure what he wanted! Did he want Achilles to leave his wife? And child, of course. Or... what was the alternative?

            "I'll be back soon, okay? I promise, it will get it all talked through. Okay, I gotta go, alright?"

*********

            A week later, the Friday before Thanksgiving, Patroclus got a call.

            "I'm at Logan airport. Wanna hang out later?"

            Patroclus wondered if that was the new code they were using for their physical relationship. And now of course, it wasn't just kissing and rubbing against each other. Their new intimacy flashed in his mind, exciting him, and he didn't have it in him to refuse. Just the idea of being in bed with Achilles took over his body and his mind could not face the onslaught of that physical response.

            "How are you in Boston?"

            "Well, funny story," Achilles said. "Since I'm pretty much able to get around now without difficulty, my father and my father-in-law thought I should get back to work, so I'm visiting clients up here. I have a few meetings this afternoon, but I can bring dinner."

*********

            This time, when their eyes met over the threshold, they crashed into each other, kissing as if their lives depended on it. Finally, Achilles pushed him back.

            "Why don't I come inside," he joked.

            Patroclus helped him pick up the bags which he had dropped.

            "Do you want to eat now?" Patroclus asked, checking the food as Achilles took off his coat and shoes. Only one container had opened, and it had only spilled a little.

            "I'm hungry for something, but it's not food." The grin on his face, intimate, enticing, made Patroclus feel incredible. He took a step toward Patroclus, and they started kissing again.

*********

            As the other times, it was amazing being with Achilles. It all felt so natural and so right. There were moments in their embrace he couldn't separate whose arm belonged to whom, and he really liked seeing their hair mix together, Achilles's strawberry blond mixing with his rich brown. The words I love you bubbled up in him, arriving almost on his tongue, but he was able to hold them back. He didn't want to scare Achilles.

            They showered after and Patroclus put on boxers and a t-shirt to go reheat the takeout. As he pulled out silverware and poured wine into glasses, Achilles arrived wearing one of Patroclus' flannel shirts. Patroclus about lost his mind again. Achilles looked great. They grinned at each other.

            "This isn't one of your pharmacist coats, is it?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

            Patroclus huffed a laugh. "You're silly. It is a little big on you."

            "It smells like you." Achilles came over and they were in each other's arms again. "I'd like to take it with me."

            As they kissed the microwave dinged.

            "You could," Patroclus said softly. "Take it with you, I mean."

            "Probably not the best idea," Achilles said grabbing his plate and glass.

            Patroclus decided not to respond to that.

            They ate their food on the sofa leaned up against each other.

            "I can't stay," Achilles said after a moment of silence.

            "Oh?" Patroclus tried to hide his disappointment.

            "I have to get back tonight. I'm on the late flight to LaGuardia."

            Suddenly Patroclus was less hungry. He put his plate down and picked up his wine. He had hoped they would spend the night together, even if Achilles left first thing in the morning. And they still hadn't really talked about what they were doing.

            "You're upset," Achilles said, watching him.

            "I was hoping you'd stay. I want you to stay."

            "I can't."

            "I know, you have your family."

            They stared at each other a moment with serious expressions as Patroclus let the feelings of guilt and resentment trickle through. What was he expecting anyway? How could he broach any of this?

            Achilles said, "Look, the good news is, I'll be around this December. We're not traveling this year."

            "Oh, how's that?"

            "Two of my sisters-in-law are pregnant. One is due early December, the other is due around Christmas. Obviously Dei's family all want to be around for the birth."

            "I see." So I'll get whatever time you have left over, he thought, another thing he held back. It wasn't fair of him. He knew Achilles was married. And how could he be resentful of an infant? What was he doing anyway? He took a big gulp of wine and sighed.

            "Are you doing to see Menoetius?"

            "Nope," Patroclus said. "I'm staying here. It's better." He had decided to stay in Boston and away from his dad's toxic behavior. Even the mention of his father's name made him tense up.

            Achilles nodded. "Your dad sucks." Then he leaned into Patroclus' shoulder. "So, we'll get to see each other." He shifted his face upward catching Patroclus' eyes.

            Patroclus couldn't help but smile, all of those negative emotions fading out, vanishing. Achilles was so attractive like this, staring up with a tender expression. How could he refuse him anything? Just the way his eyes sparkled as he gazed at Patroclus, the heat his body put out calling to him.

            "That'll be nice," Patroclus said. "It's been a while since we've done anything holiday related. Like years."

            "I'll get you some new toys for your shelf," Achilles replied wiggling his eyebrows.

*********

            When he left, it was once again like all life had been sucked out of the apartment. Patroclus put on a sad playlist as he cleaned up from their dinner. Lord Huron's The Night We Met came on. I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you... I don't know what I'm supposed to do haunted by the ghost of you. He felt empty and dull and he hoped he would be able to sleep.

            He wished Achilles could stay the night. He wished Achilles was free. He wished.... what did he wish given their circumstances?

            His phone binged.

            Miss you, read the text from Achilles. Patroclus felt warm inside as he smiled at the message. He put a heart reaction and typed, me too.

Chapter Text

            Briseis arrived at the bar out of breath. "Sorry, I'm late. Hecuba kept me after a few minutes to talk about some scheduling issue after Thanksgiving. Ugh, she is so disorganized."

            "No problem. I went ahead and got a beer." He held up his glass as if to show her.

            She took off her scarf and coat and draped them over the bar seat he had saved for her. They exchanged a quick cheek kiss and hug and she sat down, blowing out her cheeks as she exhaled.

            "They have some happy hour specials." Patroclus handed her the bar menu.

            "Oh nice, so how are things?"

            "Well, you know, crazy now that semester is about to wind down. The usual mad rush of undergrads needing tutoring in chem 101 and all that." They shared a laugh. "And you? Must be different, Ms. Career Woman!"

            By now the bartender arrived. "I'll have a pinot grigio and...." She looked at Patroclus. "Do you want to split some things?"

            "Sure."

            They ordered a few small plates, and Briseis turned to him. "Well, things at work are crazy in their own way. With the holidays coming up, the schedules get busy, and there's some year-end paperwork, and did I tell you? Holiday parties!" She did jazz hands with a goofy expression that made Patroclus laugh. "At least I have Friday off."

            "Let's drink to Fridays off," Patroclus proposed.

            "Yeah, to Fridays off!" They clinked glasses.

            "Well, I'm glad you could fit me in! It sounds like you'll be travelling a lot."

            "Yeah, apparently in Chryseis' family they have to visit several aunts and I don't know. And my family wants us to come for Thursday lunch. So we leave tomorrow as soon as I get off work, and then on Thursday afternoon we'll drive back to here so we can go out to Taunton for dinner and then Friday, Mendon I think? Or Milford. I don't remember. What about you? The usual?"

            "Yeah, I'll go to Odysseus and Penelope's. She says they'll have a few people. That'll be nice."

            "Sounds good." She paused and they sipped their beverages a moment. "Well, I haven't seen you, and I'm curious about your visit to New York. How did things go with Achilles? You didn't give many any real details."

            He felt himself melt a little at the name and couldn't keep the smile from forming on his face. He hadn't confided anything to her about their relationship, so she was only inquiring about their friendship.

            "It was alright. We managed to visit and stuff." He tried to be lowkey, but he felt elated just thinking about the trip.

            "Yeah? You said everything is still good between you. What all did you do?"

            Their appetizers arrived and Patroclus was glad for the distraction of eating to hide any emotional reaction he might have while relaying some of their activities while avoiding the fact that they had slept together. As he filled her in, she narrowed her eyes at him thoughtfully.

            "Did something... happen?" she asked after a pause.

            "Hmm? What do you mean?" His face felt hot.

            "You're gushing, and are you blushing now?" Her eyes sparkled in delight as she took another sip of wine, head cocked as her eyes remained fixed on him.

            "Am I? I don't know."

            "Come on, spill, what happened?"

            He sat not knowing what to say, and she raised her eyebrows as she went on, "If you tell me nothing happened, I won't believe you. It's obvious something did. Did you guys prick your fingers and declare yourself blood brothers or something?"

           He looked away, staring without really seeing the sports show on the screen above them. He was already keeping his thoughts from Achilles, he didn't want to do that with her "We might have made out."

            "What!?! Oh my god, you might have what?"

            "And slept together." He wrinkled his nose and forehead. He turned back to her.

            She stared, eyes wide and mouth agape. "Oh."

            "Yeah," he said looking away again.

            "Oh." She set her wine glass down. "Was it... did you..."

            "We had some drinks and went into a gay bar and danced..."

            "You went into a gay bar?"

            "Yeah," he laughed nervously. "It all just sort of happened. So... yeah."

            "I don't know what to say."

            "I know, right?"

            "So what does that all mean now?" She picked up a pita and dipped it in hummus.

            "Well, that's what I don't know." He took a sip of beer and focused his gaze at the olive tapenade. "We've seen each other again, and it's... I have to say it's wonderful, but he is..."

            "Married?"

            He turned back to her and didn't really like the look she was giving him, but what could he say? "Yeah, that he is." They nibbled some more in silence at the appetizers. "You don't think I'm a bad person, do you?"

            "You? No!" she replied, surprised by the question. "Look, people cheat, it happens. I'm not saying I approve! But I have counseled couples where one or both of them have cheated. And, well, I never told you, but I did go out briefly with this married guy."

            "You?" He couldn't believe it.

            "Yeah, I know, right? I felt so stupid and ashamed, so I never told you. I thought you would judge me. It was only a couple of months that summer during grad school."

            "Wow, really?"

            "Yeah, he said the marriage wasn't working and he was lonely and blah blah blah, and I fell for all that." She wiped her mouth. "Point is, I know what it's like to be on the side. I didn't like it."

            "Did you want him to leave his wife? Or was it a husband?"

            She smiled. "It was a wife. Yeah, I did. But now, I'm glad I didn't stay with him and anyway, I have a great relationship now."

            "Is that what you think I should do?"

            "What?"

            "Stop seeing him."

            She thought about that as they ate, brow furrowed. "I don't know. I don't know what's right for you. I would tell you to be careful, though." She narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you want?"

            He huffed a laugh. "I don't know. I just don't know. I... I really love him. And I don't know what he's thinking."

            She crossed her arms and leaned on the bar. "One of the strange things is I don't have a handle on how he feels about Deidamia. He doesn't talk about her. She doesn't come around at all. How much interaction have you had?"

            "Not much."

            "Right? It's like they have one of those old-timey relationships where they only interact for social reasons, but they don't really love each other. Or are even friends."

            "You think that?"

            "I don't know is what I'm saying." She shrugged and stared up at a screen showing football results. "When he was here, I tried asking about her, and he seemed really closed off about it. He always managed to change the subject."

            "Yeah, he doesn't like talking about her."

            "So, anyway, I don't know what to think about your situation." She turned back to him and smiled. "You know you can come talk to me any time."

            "Thanks." He gently bumped his shoulder into hers. "I appreciate that."

            "Alright, enough of this pathos, do you want any more of that tapenade."

*********

            Patroclus was returning from Natick and Penelope's enormous Thanksgiving spread stuffed and a little drunk from the generous pours Odysseus had provided. Odysseus' father had driven him to the green line which was nearly empty, and he enjoyed the space and quiet. He had missed Achilles, of course, but chatting with other people took him out of those concerns and worries. It had been a good way to spend the holiday, and he was relaxing with an Arctic Monkeys mix, the driving beat of Do I Wanna Know? giving him a great feeling as he looked out into the dark world. His phone lit up with a call from Achilles, surprising him.

            "Hey, what's up?"

            "Patroclus! How's things?" He slurred his words and was talking way too loud. "What are you doing?"

            "I'm on my way home from Odysseus and Penelope's."

            "Yeah? Was it fun?" Patroclus imagined he had isolated himself in the bathroom or someplace away from everyone.

            "Yeah. I ate way too much. How about you? Did you have a good Thanksgiving?"

            "It was alright. It was alright. My brother-in-law made these killer cocktails. I forget the name, something with Grand Marnier in them I think."

            "Sounds like you had a couple!"

            "You could say that," he laughed. "So, was there, uh, anyone special at their Thanksgiving?"

            "Well, his parents, a couple friends from Penelope's work, and a neighbor. That's it really."

            "And, uh, did you have a date?"

            Patroclus laughed. "What?"

            "Did Penelope set you up with someone?" Achilles' voice had a tone to it, as if he was pretending to ask a neutral question, but he was clearly jealous, and Patroclus thrilled to recognize it. Achilles was jealous!

            "Nothing like that," he reassured his friend.

            "You would tell me if you were with someone right now?"

            "Yes, and I'm alone. If you want to do a FaceTime I could show you the nearly empty T right now." He smiled at Achilles' insistence.

            "And what are you doing tomorrow?"

            "Sleeping in, maybe meeting up with some other grad students who didn't leave town."

            "I want to see you," he said insistently.

            "I would love to see you too." Patroclus felt all warm inside hearing those words and the emotion behind them, but he knew Achilles was with his family. He didn't even want to bring them up at all or hear anything about what they were doing, and he felt instantly bad about his negative feelings toward them. "When are you coming up again?"

            "I'll come next week. Promise."

            Patroclus smiled and melted a little inside. "That sounds good."

Chapter Text

            The period between Thanksgiving and winter break was always a frenzy crammed with end of the semester duties: final papers and projects for his courses and research assistantship and stressed student tutoring. This year, adding to his busy schedule was fitting his new erratic love life into his commitments. Achilles often called him the night before or even the same morning of a visit, which was usually midafternoon or early evening allowing him to leave on the last flight. It meant finishing some tasks more quickly or changing the time for a tutoring session. At least he had some flexibility in his duties, and he could stay up late after Achilles had left to do his coursework. Nonetheless, it made a stressful time even more so. Sometimes he hurried to make space in his schedule for a visit and Achilles had to cancel last minute. That was especially frustrating and left him harried and grumpy. Once, they only had a little over an hour, the visit practically on a timer. The shortness of their time together also meant they had little time to talk, so their relationship remained in a sort of limbo.

            He grasped onto the positive elements of their moments, the softness of Achilles' hair, now grown out to his shoulders, the space between his scapula where Patroclus liked to place his cheek, the thickness of Achilles' biceps and the tightness of muscle when he flexed them, the indescribable feel of his lips, the way they kissed hungrily demanding his full attention. When they were together physically, there was no space for rational thought. Patroclus was all sensation and animal reaction.

            "I wish you could stay longer," he blurted out on one of Achilles' short trips.

            Achilles looked up from getting dressed, his expression changing from focused to tender. "Soon, I promise," he said, giving Patroclus a kiss.

            After a final hug, Patroclus would be left in the silence of his life pondering the emptiness of everything. He didn't know anymore what he wanted, and he was unable to imagine how they could move beyond their current situation.

            *********

            Patroclus was sure he was less effective in his work overall. He felt stretched and less focused than usual. Some of his friends and professors noticed a difference.

            "Hey, haven't seen you at happy hour," a fellow grad student said in the lounge. "You're not working yourself to death, are you?"

            "It has been hectic!" he said laughing.

            "Yeah, well don't work so hard. You're making the rest of us look bad!"

            "Is everything alright, Patroclus?" his research supervisor asked. "You've seemed a little distracted."

            "No, everything is fine," Patroclus said. "It's just a busy time."

            "Well, don't get too over-stressed," he replied. "We can't have you getting careless. Can you redo this paperwork? There are some issues with a few of the items, missing figures."

            Patroclus felt a pang of embarrassment and grimaced. "Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

            "It's okay this time, let's just get it right, okay?"

            When he turned in his final project for one class, the professor sent an email inquiring about his situation. "This is not your usual quality of work. It seems rushed and less thought out than usual."

            She said she would still give him an A because the rest of his work that semester was outstanding, but she expected more from him in future and advised him not to get too overwhelmed. He could even ask for an extension. She knew he was a diligent student.

            He hated the situation and reread the paper feeling ashamed of how he appeared. He had thrown it together more hastily than usual. He couldn't let this happen again. As a pharmaceutical researcher, he would have to be extra-careful in his work.

            He and Briseis exchanged texts, but they were too busy to hang out. In addition to more work and Christmas preparations, she had holiday parties for both her work and Chryseis'.

            "It's just so busy, and we're leaving the eve of Christmas eve to see all our family, ugh," she complained on one of their rare phone chats. "What are you doing?"

            "Christmas, I'm hanging out with a friend from school, and that's all I know. Lots of studying for qualifying exams."

            "New Year's Eve?"

            "Don't know yet."

            "You're not seeing Achilles, are you?"

            "I don't know. I always hear from him last minute."

            "Hm, well, we're having a get-together at Chryseis' apartment. You should come."

            "Without a date?" He thought briefly of Achilles and their irregular situation.

            "Sure! Why not? It'll be a small but fun group of people."

            He promised to think about it.

*********

            The semester ended abruptly after he turned in his final project and paperwork for the research assistantship, and it was like he slammed into a wall. At three that afternoon, he was done with everything and sat in a coffee shop in a daze, not thinking about anything.

            That night, he went to a happy hour before the grad students headed home for the winter break. Everyone was extra giddy and drank too much and the next day he slept till noon. He woke to several texts, including three from Achilles. He felt warm all over seeing the name. He texted back as he made his way to the kitchen to prepare his coffee.

            It was nice to know he wouldn't have any official duties for several weeks, but he also felt empty and exhausted. He sat on the couch with a full cup and a blank mind when Achilles texted talk now?

            He replied with a thumbs up and then opened the phone app to call, but before he could select Achilles' name the phone lit up.

            "Are you just waking up?" Achilles teased.

            "Yeah." Patroclus' voice was gravelly, and he had to clear his throat. "Yeah, the semester ended yesterday, and we went out."

            "Oh yeah?"

            "Yeah, and I got back late, so..."

            Achilles chuckled. "Sounds like a good life."

            Patroclus shrugged even though Achilles couldn't see him and he walked over to the window. Another overcast day. It looked cold out. "I'm glad the semester is over. It was pretty stressful."

            Achilles hummed and Patroclus could hear paper shuffling.

            "Are you at work?"

            "Yeah," Achilles sighed. "The boring details of financial advisement for a meeting later. I have to head downtown and then we're taking clients out to dinner or some shit."

            "Sounds like a good life," Patroclus joked.

            Achilles laughed. "Yeah, right? Spend your evening drinking dirty martinis with boomers. Anyway, I wanted to talk because I think I've arranged to be able to spend the night."

            "Oh?" Patroclus perked up.

            "Yeah, the 22, does that work?"

            "Yeah, the only I plans I have is to study."

            "Great, I should be able to be there by like 7? I think. Everyone is in a tizzy here getting presents for all the kids and whatever. Does that sound good?"

            "Yeah, I can't wait."

*********

            It was just a handful of days between that call and Achilles' arrival, but Patroclus was restless and impatient. He spent a short time decorating his apartment with a few Christmas lights, a little artificial tree with a ornaments, and two stockings hung under the television. He planned on filling the one for Achilles with candy and other small gifts he had purchased. He was pleased with the results. His little apartment was very festive and cheerful.

            After that, he planned on preparing for qualifying exams, but he had trouble focusing on the material and decided he needed to escape his small apartment. He raced down the steps and out the door into the chilly Allston weather with his backpack heading for his favorite coffeeshop. Even there, it wasn't better. He sipped nervously, looking out the window, barely able to take in any information. A couple came in for lattes and sat close, happily chatting, holding hands, and laughing. His eyes were inevitably drawn to them and the joy of their relationship, and his mind wandered to Achilles and his impending visit.

            Instead of theories of compounding, his mind wandered to thoughts from a month earlier that he had put off because he was so busy with his grad work and his time with Achilles was so short. What outcome did he hope for? Did he expect their circumstances to go on forever? What did Achilles have in mind for them? He had so many questions but too few answers. And of course, every text his friend sent made him smile and feel warm, but it all distracted him from doing anything meaningful. Instead, it sent him spiraling through the situation again, off track of his work.

            At least one night, another grad student invited him to a trivia night in a local bar, decked out for the holidays with cocktails in bright red and green. It was the only time his mind quieted down. The questions and some idle conversation got him out of his head and he had a nice time.

*********

            December 22 finally arrived and Patroclus cleaned his apartment and shopped for groceries. He wrapped his presents for Achilles, a gift card to the rock-climbing gym, a set of glasses with the Boston neighborhoods they had spent time in, and a couple of silly toys he had found in a novelty store. He couldn't get anything too personal, and he hoped these were suitable and would make Achilles happy.

            At 7, Achilles finally texted he would be arriving soon. There was just a lot of traffic. Patroclus went into the kitchen to do some food preparation. At least it occupied him, and he didn't pace impatiently for the next twenty minutes waiting for the doorbell to buzz.

            At last, Achilles was at his door looking amazing, dressed in a green sweater and gray wool overcoat and his hair fanned out over the collar. Patroclus felt a surge of happiness just seeing him. As soon as he put down his duffel and two shopping bags, they hugged at length and kissed for a moment.

            "It's so good to see you," Patroclus murmured against his lips. As always, being in his arms was wonderful. It felt right.

            Achilles hummed a response. "I'm not sure I need any dinner right now."

            Patroclus chuckled and kissed him on the nose. "We have plenty of time for everything. Why don't we have some food first."

            "Alright," Achilles replied reluctantly.

            "I'll make it worth your while!"

            Achilles' eyes grew large. "I'm counting on it. Oh, I, um, brought some food for us tonight," he said. "I got some Greek spreads, let's see, tarama, tzatziki, this eggplant thing and goddess dip." He pulled little tubs out of one of the bags. "And I also brought some spanikopita. We can microwave them. And for dessert baklava! Oh, and wine, of course."

            "That all sounds great!" Patroclus said approvingly.

            "And I may have a couple of things for you." Achilles narrowed his eyes and smiled in an expression of feigned mystery.

            "New toys for my shelf?" Patroclus laughed.

            "Maybe." Achilles took off his coat and they unpacked his shopping bags.

            He put on a mellow music mix, and they continued chatting about small things as they ate Achille's contributions to their evening and drank wine, taking every chance to touch, feed, and kiss each other.

            Patroclus then cooked their steaks with zucchini and potatoes and Achilles poured them more wine and watched.

            "I can't believe you know how to cook." He leaned against the counter with a soft smile.

            "Because you don't?" Patroclus checked on the vegetables and then looked up taking a sip of wine.

            "I never had to learn." Achilles shrugged. "You know, in college, I ate at the cafeteria or a restaurant. Then, for training and competitions, same. And in New York, we eat out or order in. Just no opportunity."

            "I should get you to change that."

            "You think you can teach me?"

            "Maybe," Patroclus responded. "Or you could just be my sous-chef."

            "I don't take orders well."

            They laughed. Then Patroclus said, "This is nice, isn't it?"

            "It is," Achilles agreed his eyes still focused on Patroclus.

            Part of him wanted to follow this line of discussion, talk about their relationship, point out how comfortable it was, how amazing it would be to do this every night, to be a real couple, but he thought it was premature. He wanted them to have a relaxing evening.

            After dinner, they exchanged gifts. Achilles had indeed bought him some toys for his shelf, including a child's play chemistry set with plastic beakers and test tubes. They had a good laugh over it. Then Patroclus unwrapped the most luxurious sweater, a crewneck in Burgundy Red.

            "Oh, this is beautiful!"

            "You like it?" Achilles asked.

            "I do."

            "It's sustainable cashmere. Put it on."

            Patroclus pulled it on over his shirt and Achilles helped pull it down in back.

            "It's so soft."

            "It looks good on you."

            "My gifts aren't nearly this good." He went to the bathroom to get a look in the mirror and Achilles followed.

            "Yours were perfect." Achilles put his arms around him and they gazed at each other in the mirror.

            "You liked them."

            Achilles hummed an affirmative answer. "I can't wait to go rock-climbing with you again." He placed a kiss on his neck.

            Back out in the living room, Patroclus recognized a Cigarettes after Sex song. "Let's dance," he suggested as he turned off several lights.

            He loved the feeling of Achilles' body against him, solid and warm, as they swayed. Achilles lay his head on Patroclus' shoulder, his hair silky with a wonderful scent, and he held Patroclus securely. This moment was everything.

            "This is a nice song," Achilles murmured. "Sexy."

            "Yeah, I like it."

            The dancing led to some kissing as the song changed and Lana Del Rey sang about love. Eventually they decided to retire to the bedroom.

            *********

            An alarm went off startling Patroclus awake. It was a setting for the semester that he had forgotten to delete. Achilles stretched next to him and yawned which both warmed Patroclus' heart and excited him at the same time. He snuggled back into the covers, reaching for Achilles and pressing his hardening erection against him.

            "What time is it?" Achilles asked.

            "Too early to get up," Patroclus responded kissing his neck.

            "But not too early for you to get it up," he laughed.

            "It's another present for you."

            "Oh, yeah? This might be your best one yet."

                        *********

            The morning was everything that Patroclus had wanted. It was so delicious to spend the early morning languidly in bed. They were slower this morning, as they took their time and the intimacy from having spent the night next to each other made it all the better.

            After, they cuddled and kissed and dozed a little more. Then they decided it was time to get up and Patroclus made them pancakes while Achilles fiddled with the coffeemaker. He came over and put his arms around Patroclus.

            "Hm, smells good," he said into his neck.

            "They'll be ready soon."

            "Oh, the pancakes smell good too."

            Achilles seemed to enjoy the breakfast and he liked the stocking Patroclus had prepared for him. They sat holding hands, threading their fingers and caressing each other's palms. Patroclus lay his head on Achilles' shoulder.

            "This has been so nice," Patroclus said. "Really just perfect."

            "Hmm," agreed Achilles. He kissed Patroclus' head. "You put together a great celebration."

            "I just wish it could be like this all the time." The words escaped from his mouth. "I wish you could be here more."

            "Yeah, I would like that too, it's just..."

            "I know. You have your family."

            Achilles shrugged. "It's just complicated."

            "Doesn't it... isn't it..." Patroclus struggled with the right question to ask. "Don't you feel bad about being with me?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "Don't you feel guilty?" He sat back up.

            "No, not at all." Achilles shrugged and puckered his lips in an indifferent expression.

            "Really? I feel a little bad about what we're doing, and I barely know your wife."

            "You do?" Achilles asked, surprised. "I didn't think this situation would bother you so much. You were in that polyamorous relationship last year."

            "Achilles, this isn't polyamory." He let go of Achilles' hand.

            He shrugged again. "It's similar. I have multiple relationships."

            Patroclus sighed. "No, it's completely different. When I was with Lex, everyone knew what was going on and agreed to the arrangement. Lex encouraged me to date as much as I wanted and to have whatever partners I wanted. Does Deidamia know about us?"

            "I'm not sleeping with her," Achilles insisted. His leg started to bounce. He stared intently at Patroclus. "I haven't slept with her since... September? Maybe."

            Part of him was curious about his relationship and wanted to ask more, but part of him didn't want to know anything about his physical relations with her.

            "I don't... I can't..." Patroclus stammered. "Look my point is, she doesn't know what you're doing, right?" Achilles looked away and didn't answer. "That's what I thought. This is just cheating. It doesn't matter if you're sleeping with her or not. You're married. Does she even know you're bi?" He was getting a little excited.

            Achilles breathed in sharply and sat up. "No, I haven't told anyone about that but you."

            They sat a moment. "Don't you think she should know?"

            "Why? What would it change?"

            Patroclus was surprised at his sharp tone and hard gaze. "Well, isn't it important to be honest with your partner?"

            "Honest, yeah, up to a point."

            "So, you're okay being married to a person who doesn't know you?"

            "I don't know what it would change."

            Patroclus didn't understand and he didn't know what to say about that. He wondered too if Achilles would be honest with him. "Are you happy with the current situation?" he asked instead.

            "Happy," Achilles said shaking his head. "I don't know. I'm happy with you."

            "But with the situation."

            Achilles sat forward and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know, I don't know."

            "Like if we could be together more..."

            Achilles stood up and began pacing. "I don't know that I can do any better than this. I can't... I can't promise anything." On one trip, he grabbed Patroclus' gyro toy and made it move up and down, the spinning of the wheel slow and disconcerting against Achilles' agitated movements.

            "Okay."

            Achilles stopped in front of Patroclus but continued oscillating the wheel.

            "Can't we just keep doing this?"

            "Like forever?" Patroclus asked. "For the rest of our lives?"

            A look of irritation flashed in Achilles's eyes. "I don't know."

            They stayed a moment without speaking.

            Patroclus said slowly and softly, "I don't know if I want that."

            "What?"

            "Achilles, I've been so distracted these past weeks, my work has suffered. I just... I don't know if I can keep doing this."

            "I can't do anything more," Achilles responded exasperated, spreading his arms out and letting them slap back to his sides. The gyro toy made a scraping noise.

            "I know. It's just, this next semester is super important. I have qualifying exams and I have to get a dissertation topic approved, a committee put together. I need to have my head together."

            "What are you saying?" Achilles said moving the gyro wheel again.

            "I think maybe we should go back to being friends again." It would alleviate his guilt and soothe any nerves from wondering if Achilles would make time for him.

            "What if I don't want to?"

            Patroclus leaned his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands. He actually didn't want to either, but he hated their current circumstance. Achilles set the gyro wheel down on the table and came to kneel in front of Patroclus.

            "Pat, Pat." He worked his way between Patroclus' legs and clasping his arms and kissing the inside of his wrists. "Let's just try to make this work, okay? I will try not to be a distraction."

            "I don't know."

            Achilles looked up at him. "I don't want to give this up."

            "I don't either, but..."

            "No buts, let's keep going."

            "I'm not happy about it."

            "I know, I know. But, let's get past the holidays and then see where we are."

            Achilles gazing up at him removed any worries or concerns. How could he say no to that face?

            "Okay, okay. Let's try."

            "Give me a kiss."

                        *********

            When Achilles left, Patroclus felt uneasy about their discussion. He had agreed to continue their relationship despite his reservations, and it didn't sit well with him.

            For Christmas, a fellow grad student who was Jewish invited him to get Chinese food and go to a movie. He said it was a tradition. Patroclus had a nice time, but he balked when they kissed. He felt like he was cheating on Achilles, which was stupid since Achilles was married.

            "I'm sorry, you're really cute, I just can't."

            That night Achilles called him, drunk again, attempting to whisper but was loud anyway. He wanted to know who Patroclus had been with and if they were spending the night together.

            "No, he's just a friend from school who happens to be in town." Patroclus was back home and walked around his apartment as they talked. He picked up the gyro wheel as Achilles had and watched it roll up and down. "We didn't do anything. We saw a movie and ate dinner and that's it."

            "Did you kiss him?"

            It was less cute this time than Thanksgiving. Actually, he was irritated as he listened to Achilles' questions. He wanted to be together, and it was Achilles' fault that they couldn't.

            "What if I did? What does it matter?" he said sullenly as the gyro rolled.

            "It just does."

            Did you kiss Deidamia? Patroclus asked in his head. It almost came out his mouth. "If you were here, I'd be spending time with you."

            "I can't..."

            "I know, you have a wife and child."   Did you sleep with her? What are you doing with her?

            "Pat, let's not be like this."

            They went around on that dialogue another time, and Achilles turned sweet.

            "I wish we could be together. I miss you."

            "I miss you too."

                        *********

            A similar call happened on New Year's Eve when Patroclus attended Briseis' and Chryseis' party. It was loads of fun with great finger foods, lots of drinks, and dancing. Patroclus danced with lots of people including a really cute guy that Chryseis knew from high school. He missed Achilles terribly, but Achilles was with his family, so why shouldn't he have a good time here? Why did he feel guilty when Achilles was perfectly fine with all of this?

            They counted down to midnight and yelled and tooted horns that Briseis had provided and threw confetti. People kissed and hugged, and he briefly thought about Chryseis' friend, but again, guilt overcame him.

            He sent a few happy new year texts to people, including Achilles, who tried to call. Patroclus chose to ignore the call.

            However, while walking home from Brookline listening to Arctic Monkeys 505, the phone beeped interrupting the song. Achilles again.

            After exchanging happy new years and some small talk about what they had done, Achilles once again asked if Patroclus had had a date.

            He immediately felt irritated and he had drunk enough that he had less control over his mouth. "Achilles, you can't do this."

            "Do what?"

            "You can't be jealous. You're with your wife, for crying out loud."

            Achilles was silent a moment. "You're right. It's just... I want to be with you. I miss you."

            "I miss you too, but... Achilles, you've chosen to be with her, so go be with her."

            "Why are you being like this?"

            "Being like what?"

            "Like this, like aggravated. Are you drunk?"

            He didn't quite know himself, only that he was irritated that he couldn't spend these holidays with Achilles. Also guilty that he wanted Achilles to leave his wife and abandon his life. It was untenable.

            "Did you kiss her?" he asked instead.

            "Who? Deidamia?"

            "Who else?"

            Achilles was quiet and Patroclus didn't know what to make of that.

            "I don't know why you're asking this."

            "I hate what's happening to us, Achilles," he burst out. "I want to be with you instead of with random people."

            "God, I can't have this conversation right now."

            "Achilles..."

            But his friend had hung up.

                        *********

            As the new year began, their situation deteriorated.

            Achilles apologized and promised to come the next Friday. However, he had to take that back. Maybe he could come the following Friday.

            "Is this the way we're going to be?" Patroclus asked. He was standing outside the library staring at the gray sky. He wondered if he would be able to focus after this call.

            "What way?"

            "Me making space for you and then you not coming?"

            "You don't know how much I want to see you," Achilles said softly.

            "I believe you, and I want to see you too." Patroclus sighed. "It's just, these exams, they're important. I can't be... frazzled like I feel right now. I can't be thinking you'll come and then you cancel and I'm here like an idiot."

            "You're not an idiot. I can't help that I just can't come after all."

            "I'm sure, but, Achilles, these exams are like your Olympics, and I need to concentrate. You don't know how much our relationship distracted me last semester."

            "What are you saying?"

            "I think we need to take a break," he said sadly. "I just.... I can't be doing this." He hadn't really known he was thinking this and he felt like he might cry. "And you... you need to get your life together. You need to decide some things."

            "No," Achilles insisted. "No, you can't do this!"

            They had to go through that discussion again twice before Patroclus insisted.

            "Achilles, please, listen to me, please allow me this space for the next two months. Okay? After, we can talk. Okay?"

            "Can we at least talk like before?"

            Patroclus rubbed his forehead. "I think we shouldn't. I don't want to argue or anything."

            "Text?"

            Patroclus stared at the gray clouds moving swiftly overhead and sighed. "I'm not sure that's a good idea either."

            "Two months."

            "Two months. Please?"

            "I don't like this," Achilles said and he hung up without goodbye.

            Patroclus was sure now that he wouldn't be able to focus on his exams. He went back in and collected his belongings.

Chapter Text

            After asking Achilles for a break from their relationship, Patroclus felt a deep-seated sadness set in. For most of their lives, he had hoped that he and Achilles would end up together. Then, after Achilles' marriage, he had told himself that he needed to accept that that was all a fairy tale, and he needed to just be a good friend. When at last the long-awaited physical relationship came to fruition, he had the impression he had entered some dumb romantic melodrama with him in the role of pining lover begging for any scraps of Achilles' life. Now, he worried that he had traded away their friendship for a couple of months of pleasure. Where could they go from here? What could they be to each other? He didn't want to continue as object of an affair, but he didn't know if they could go back to their old relationship.

            At least sadness was something Patroclus had a long experience dealing with. Since childhood, he was always able to cordon it off in his mind, compartmentalize, box it in, so he could focus on his studies or whatever task was in front of him. He pulled the sadness out after and wallowed in it, and then tucked it away again.

            That is exactly what he did now. He threw himself into studying as the winter break continued. He spent hours in the library or a coffeeshop. He organized a study group with other students to help prepare for the dreaded oral portion of the qualifying exams: four professors with fifteen minutes each to ask whatever they wanted. At least for the written portion he could consult past exams and strategize about correct responses. The oral seemed random, an hour-long torture session, and he knew of two other students who failed it because they panicked. They were able to retake it later, but Patroclus did not want that fate to befall him. The nice thing about working with the group is they could empathize over the stress and concern and laugh at themselves a little too.

            And Patroclus decided no dating at all this semester. That was too stressful and annoying. Anyway, would he be able to flirt with someone else now that he and Achilles had been together? Obviously, they had no commitment to each other, Achilles was still married, and it all seemed dumb that Patroclus should feel guilt over being attracted to someone else, but that's the way it was.

            He did allow some time away from studying: an hour in the gym every day to destress by sweating and running and lifting; every Saturday morning at the rock-climbing gym, sometimes with Briseis and Chryseis; Friday happy hours with other grad students where they joked and laughed and tried to avoid thinking about the exams and all their other work.

            As for wallowing in the sadness, he returned to his Strokes playlist and would sit some evenings in the dark just letting whatever thoughts or feelings pop up. He missed Achilles, missed the feel of his body, his scent, his silly comments. He missed the way they were. It seemed worse now that they had had a sliver of a romantic relationship. He had more sensations, more memories to add to his repertoire of nostalgia. In those moments, he felt weak and wanted to dial him up. A couple of times he even pulled out his phone and opened messages, but he stopped himself and let the sadness envelop him even more.

            In general, he aimed for at least six hours of sleep. Ideally, he wanted eight, but he inevitably woke up thinking about something, either an exam question or the situation with Achilles. He hated that he couldn't stop the circular thinking, but nothing he did seemed to dissuade his mind from playing scenarios at 3 a.m. Not to mention the times his body really wanted to feel Achilles against him and he hugged a pillow, curled against that imagined body.

******

            During the first week of their break, Achilles continued to text. Sometimes he sent a short video of cute animals or a song. Other times he wrote updates about his life, doctors or work travel. Patroclus sent a single message for him to stop and then ignored them.

            Then, one evening while he was washing dishes with his mind occupied by the material he had studied, the phone rang and Patroclus answered automatically.

            "I'm just calling to see how you are." Achilles' voice was thick and loud, a sign he had been drinking.

            "I'm fine, Achilles. Is everything okay?"

            "Yeah, yeah, except I miss you. And you're not answering my texts."

            "We're supposed to be on a break, remember?"

            "What if I don't wanna be?" He sounded sullen.

            Patroclus ran a hand over his forehead and sighed. He realized his mistake in answering the phone.

            "Can you understand my point of view?"

            Achilles was silent a beat. Then he said, "When I was away at competitions, I liked knowing that you were there. Rooting for me."

            Patroclus huffed a laugh. "I was rooting for you. Always. But as I recall we weren't sleeping together and we weren't near each other and you didn't think I was coming and then I didn't come.

            "Yeah, I guess."

            "But I hope you're rooting for me too."

            "I am," Achilles replied somewhat defensively. There was a noise like something hitting the phone. "But I want to see you."

            "Achilles..."

            "I'm coming to Boston next week, for real."

            It was so tempting to say yes. He could practically feel Achilles' body against him, and he ached at that sensation. But he had to be strong.

            "I can't see you, Achilles. I'm sorry. Please just understand that I need to stay focused, and frankly... If we met up, even as friends, I don't think I could with the way things are between us right now."

            "But, I am coming. I swear. I won't cancel this time."

            God, this was so hard! Just having this conversation was stressing him out.

            "Achilles, no, please just stop."

            "Look, I don't love her."

            "What?" The change of topic felt like a slap.

            "Deidamia, I don't love her. I don't want to be with her anymore. I want to be with you." He was speaking feverishly now. "What if I came to live in Boston?"

            "I can't believe you're doing this."

            "We could be together."

            "Achilles, I don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with this right now, all these what ifs? I just can't."

            "But..."

            "Achilles, what you're doing, it's not fair. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to your wife. Hell, it's not even fair to you. If you really feel this way, you should do something about it besides drunk dial me telling me you want to see me."

            Achilles sat a moment before replying. "You think I'm not being fair?"

            "Honestly? No, I don't. What did you say once? That if you made a mess of your life you should clean it up?"

            "I did? When did I say that?"

            "Like in my apartment last year."

            "Oh. So you think my life is a mess?"

            "God, why are we having this conversation? This, this is why I asked for a break!"

            "I didn't really want to agree to a break. I miss you! Do you miss me?"

            "Look, I have to study some more. I have tons of stuff to do. I should be studying."

            "Why can't you just answer?"

            "Achilles, stop, please."

            Voice dripping with sarcasm, Achilles said, "I'm not the only one who isn't being 'fair.'"    Then he hung up.

            After the call, Patroclus sat a moment trying to calm down. He was upset and frustrated and irritated. It just wasn't fair of Achilles to ask all this of him, and how stupid was Patroclus to have taken the call at all.

            He was eventually able to shove all the feelings and hurt and worry into the little box of sadness for later and focus on his work, phone now on do not disturb.

            When he was done for the evening, he checked his phone and saw two messages from Achilles.

            I rlly mean it. Id move to Boston.

            You ll do great on yr exams. You'll get a gold star.

*******

            Before he knew it, the spring semester was starting and in addition to studying, his research assistantship began again as well as three classes, the last three courses he would ever take. He was amazed to find himself at this point in his studies.

            The next week, he got together with Briseis for happy hour. She was already waiting at the bar with a glass of wine.

            "Hey, how are things?" she asked as they hugged.

            He shrugged and took off his coat. "Do you want the real answer or the polite one?"

            She laughed. "Always the real one."

            "Things suck," he said with a clearly fake cheerful tone as he sat down. "How about you?"

            "Things with me are great right now," she replied, laughing at his delivery. "So is it just school that sucks?"

            "That is one thing. I'm really stressed about exams. I'll be glad for them to be over. It's tougher now that the semester is underway. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to get everything done."

            The bartender came to take his order of an IPA.

            "Well, don't work too hard," Briseis said watching the bartender pour his beer from the tap. "Make sure to get sleep."

            "I'm trying, but my mind sometimes has other ideas."

            "Do one of those meditation videos. I think they're helpful."

            "Yeah, maybe."

            "And Achilles?"

            He took a big sip of beer. "We're on a break."

            "Oh?"

            "Yeah," he sighed. "I just couldn't take it. He would say he was coming and then cancel or tell me he was coming last minute. I didn't tell you but my work wasn't so stellar at the end of fall semester. I just... I need to focus, you know?"

            She shook her head sympathetically. "I understand. Like I told you, it's tough to be on the side, always second after someone else. That's one of the reasons I had to stop with that married guy."

            "I can only imagine. So, enough of my depressing life, what about you? What's up?"

            "Well, I might have some news," she widened her eyes briefly with a mysterious smile.

            "You're pregnant," he guessed jokingly.

            "Oh, hell no," she said laughing. "At least, not now. Maybe someday." She took a sip of wine. "I'm enjoying this adult beverage too much for that."

            He chuckled. "Okay, so what is your news?"

            "Are you ready for this?" she said clearly trying to lengthen the suspense.

            "Yes, I'm dying to know."

            "Chryseis and I are getting married."

            "What?! That's great! Details! Who proposed to who? When and where?"

            "So, we had been vaguely talking about it the last few months and over Christmas it kind of came up, you know, what it would be like to be married and then what kind of wedding we would like. And so two weekends ago, we planned a nice date night at my apartment, and I decided to propose."

            "Ooh, what did you cook?"

            "I made a lemon pasta dish and some salmon and a salad. And for dessert, I made tiramisu, and I thought about putting the ring inside, but then I thought that might not be the best idea, but I did put it in a glass of prosecco!"

            "Nice, I love it."

            "She was excited, and it was fun."

            "Sound like it!"

            "And it's going to be the greatest, queerest wedding, and I wanted to ask you, would you be my bridesmaid or best man or best whatever gender person."

            He smiled, touched. "I would be honored. Let's toast. This is so exciting."

            They clinked glasses.

            "We've decided not to have a giant wedding, and it's going to be on the Cape this summer."

            "Don't tell me, you're going to P-town."

            "Okay, it's not going to be that gay. It will be in Chatham. Chryseis has a cousin who has a summer house or something there."

            "Oh my gosh, I'm so excited for you both."

*****

            He was truly happy for Briseis. She deserved to be happy and he really liked Chryseis and got along with her. However, her happiness just sharpened his sadness. He wanted to commit to someone as well, or really he felt like he found the person but he was taken already. He wondered if he could find anyone besides Achilles to spend his life with.

            At least he was so busy he could push these thoughts and feelings aside and not grapple with them. Without the distraction of wondering if Achilles was coming and the guilt attached to their relationship, he was able to focus better.

            "It looks like you're handling the stress of exams better this semester," his advisor commented. "I was concerned about you last fall."

            "Yeah, things are better," Patroclus said.

******

            He woke to find Achilles' arms around him, his breath on his ears, his scent everywhere.

            "I love you, I want you," he whispered sending shivers down Patroclus' spine.

            "I love you too."

            He felt overcome by desire, the need to push this sensation to its edge and fall over with Achilles. It was incredible.

            Then, an annoying buzz interrupted them. His phone vibrating and announcing an incoming call.

            "Patroclus, where were you? The exams were today and you didn't take them."

            "What?"

            He bolted upright in his bed, the buzzing from his phone was an alarm. It had all been a dream, however real it felt. He was still shaking from the whiplash of emotions it had caused. But it was just a dream. He ran a hand across his face as his heartrate dropped. It was just a dream. A relief, and yet so sad too. He fell back into his pillows and stared a moment at the ceiling before getting up.

******

            At long last his exams rolled around. The written exams took place over the course of a day and he was pleased that the questions covered topics he had contemplated. When he turned it all in, he was relieved and optimistic and joined several of the other test takers for happy hour. Predictably, the talk was all about the exams, what they had answered and how well they thought they did. A few other grad students were in attendance, some who had taken the exams in prior semesters and who shared their own stories, others who planned to do so next term eager to lap up any tips or strategies.

            He received his results two days later when a professor called him to give him the good news that he had passed the written, and they had scheduled orals for all the successful students the following Thursday.

            He was overjoyed and texted several friends about his success. He wondered if he should call his father. The last time they talked was on Christmas day. He decided to wait till after the oral exam.

            So happy for you, Briseis texted with multiple happy and heart-eyed emojis. Then came, I knew you were going to do awesome. And finally, celebrate!! happy hour! my treat! followed by more celebratory emojis of drinks and horns tooting.

            He stared at his phone pondering texting Achilles. He really should know. Even if they were still on their break, he deserved the news soon. But he also didn't want it to communicate an opening for them to get back into regular contact. He sat thinking of what he could say and finally composed a message that conveyed what he wanted. Just to let you know, I passed my written exams. Now for the oral. Still need to be on the break but I wanted to tell you the good news.

            He sat staring at the text for at least a minute before adding a smiling face emoji and hitting send. Then he closed his messages and set his phone face down. He didn't want to sit waiting to see how long it would take for Achilles to reply.

*****

            When he checked his texts, Achilles had put a heart reaction on his message which made Patroclus feel warm all over. He so wanted to reply, get their relationship going, their friendship or whatever Achilles could have for him. Somehow he managed to be strong and close his phone.

            The next day, Achilles texted him a link to a song. Strange Currencies, an old song by REM that was part of some new show. He decided to listen, and he really liked it. I don't know why you're mean to me when I call on the telephone. And I don't know what you mean to me, But I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out. I want to take you on. These words, you will be mine.... You know with love comes strange currencies. And here is my appeal. I need a chance, a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance, a word, a signal, a nod, a little breath, just to fool myself, to catch myself, and make it real.

            It seemed like a direct message to him about Achilles' hurting and wanting a real relationship. He put the song on repeat in the dark and listened three more times.

*****

            The week seemed to creep by, and he was incredibly nervous. His study group got together, and instead of answering questions seriously, they gave silly, sarcastic, and dumb responses that set them off laughing. It helped calm down his jitters.

            His advisor had some tips for him. "Think of this as your first real conversation with your professors as peers. You've proved yourself with the written portion and of course the successful completion of coursework. Oh, and if you don't know something, don't b.s. it. Just say you don't know and let them ask you a new question. We know you don't know everything, but do you know enough? That's what we're looking for."

            That was helpful! Patroclus worried he wouldn't know something. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

            "I'm sure you'll do great."

            Thursday finally arrived and he joined several others in the student lounge to wait for their turn. Patroclus was scheduled as the last exam that day, so he chatted or spent time on his phone until someone emerged, pale but relieved. So far, everyone who went in for the exams had been successful. Patroclus hoped he wouldn't be the only failure of the day as he entered the meeting room where four sets of eyes turned to focus on him. His heartbeat picked up and he felt slightly nauseous. He sat at the end of the table.

            "Are you ready, Patroclus?" the compounding professor asked with an encouraging smile.

            "As ready as I'll ever be." He took a deep breath and sighed it out.

            "Good. Let's begin."

*****

            He was in something of a daze as the exam ended and they asked him to leave the room for a couple of minutes so they could discuss his exam. He could barely remember what they had asked, but he had answered everything. He only had to say he didn't know something twice. It really had been like a conversation with professors replying to him as if simply chatting.

            The door opened. "Patroclus, please come back in."

            They were now standing at the table with small smiles.

            "We are happy to say we are unanimous in our decision that you have passed your exams with flying colors. Congratulations."

            He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. "Thank you, this is so great!"

            He shook their hands and each professor congratulated him and commented on something in the exam, a comment or a response. He was elated. He had done it! He had passed all his exams now. His professors were happy with him!

            "Now, go celebrate!" said the professor of general pharmacology. "You deserve it but remember! We have class again tomorrow." Everyone laughed.

            Patroclus joined his fellow students and told them his results. Everyone burst into cheers and congratulated him!

            "All right! Happy hour!" one of them said.

*****

            He felt so light as he put on his coat and gathered his belongings into his bookbag. He practically skipped down the stairs to leave the building. Two of his peers were singing, others were laughing, Patroclus himself was chuckling and giddy. As they exited, he heard someone call his name.

            He turned and saw Achilles standing in front of the building.

            "Oh good, you came out this door, I was worried I missed you," he said as he walked toward him.

            "Achilles, you're here." Patroclus could hardly believe his eyes.

            Achilles smiled at him. "I was hoping we could talk."

Chapter Text

            Standing under the campus light, Achilles looked amazing in a green shirt and a brown leather jacket, his hair fanned out over the collar. Patroclus felt a surge move down his spine and his stomach dropped at seeing him unexpectedly. He also felt awkward and uncertain about why he was here.

            "How did you know where I was?" he asked, curious, suspicious.

            "I called Briseis. God, that woman is protective of you." Achilles shook his head. "I had to insist I had good intentions and explain myself."

            Patroclus laughed. "She's like that!"

            "Hey, Patroclus, are you coming?" A fellow grad student called. The others were standing several feet away.

            "Yeah, go ahead," he replied. "I'll be right along."

            He and Achilles stood in silence staring into each other's eyes as the other students headed toward the bar yelling, singing, and laughing.

            "I guess you were successful?" Achilles asked with a tilt of the head. Something about that angle made him seem so young, innocent.

            "We were, I was." It felt so good to say.

            "I knew you would be. Congratulations." His voice was soft and warm.

            "Thanks," Patroclus replied, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets and tapping them nervously against his abdomen. They stood another moment, eyes still locked.

            "I did wait to come, you know," Achilles insisted. "I asked Briseis exactly when you were done and where, so I waited. I, uh, I just wanted to talk."

            Patroclus nodded, finally averting his eyes, anxious. "We're going to this bar to celebrate. Do you want to come? I mean, it will be a lot of school talk. That's what these things usually are."

            "Sure, alright."

            They started toward the bar. Patroclus felt slightly hopeful but also a little concerned. What did Achilles want to tell him? What if he just wanted to go back to the relationship they had last fall? Would Patroclus be able to resist him at all?

            "Briseis told me she's getting married," Achilles said.

            "Yeah, how about that? Exciting, isn't it? And Chryseis is nice."

            After a couple steps in silence, Achilles said, "Looks like your hair has grown out."

            Patroclus reflexively put a hand in his hair. He hadn't thought much about the length. "I haven't taken the time to get it cut. I should."

            "No, it looks good."

            "Oh."

            After another pause, Achilles said, "So tell me about your exams."

            "Are you sure?" Patroclus gave him a meaningful look. "You're going to hear a lot about it once we get there."

            "I only care about how you did."

            Patroclus described some of his impressions of the exams and Achilles mainly listened. Then they arrived at the bar which was loud and full of people. The other test-takers, their friends and family, other students. Someone pushed a beer into Patroclus' hand and he was in the mix of people celebrating their success.

            Over the course of the next couple of hours, appetizers appeared, new drinks appeared in his hand, and people grabbed him for a chat. As predicted, talk centered on their exams, this time specifically what had happened in oral exams. A couple of his peers had stories about nearly freezing, not knowing how to answer, what they did to salvage the moment, and Patroclus had his own anecdotes to tell. Every so often, he caught Achilles' gaze across the crowd and each time he felt thrilled to see him there, smiling. Despite the awkwardness of their walk over, it was reassuring to see him.

            Eventually, the crowd thinned, and he and Achilles were the only ones there, standing at a high top as the last of the other grad students left.

            "Should we get a booth?" Patroclus asked, and they took their drinks to a nearby table. "You weren't too bored, were you? I mean, this was a lot of talk about school stuff."

            Achilles shrugged. "It was fine. I... you sounded so smart. Like, I know you are, but it was another thing seeing you actually talk about this stuff. You're so knowledgeable."

            "Well, it's all fresh."

            "You're just being modest."

            Patroclus smiled and took a sip. "I mean, it has been my whole life for several years."

            Achilles hummed an answer and they sat in silence a moment. He looked so incredible in the awful bar lights. Patroclus felt he could just stare at him forever like this, but he remembered the whole point of Achilles' visit.

            "You said you wanted to talk?"

            Achilles inhaled sharply. "Yeah, yeah. I did. I do. I..." He looked vaguely toward the bar with his brow furrowed, and then he huffed a laugh. "I had a whole speech prepared, you know, like what I wanted to say. And it's just gone." He gave Patroclus a wry look.

            "That's okay, just... however you need to say whatever you have to say."

            "Okay." He shut his eyes as if in thought. "Alright, so I've been making some decisions about... well, my life and what I want to do. It's like I realized I hadn't really been planning anything. I've just been letting things happen. And... I don't think they've been so good. Do you know what I mean?"

            "Maybe. I'm guessing you mean us?"

            "Yeah, but not just. How can I say this? I realize that my focus on glory has meant that I haven't paid attention to my personal life."

            "You mean, the way you've always said you couldn't be serious about a relationship because the Olympics were your top priority?"

            "Yeah, that. Like, I always thought people would just always be there, that relationships would come along, that it would just work out. Basically, that I didn't need to do anything."

            "I think I know what you mean."

            "Yeah?" He cocked his head with thoughtful expression. "And, um, I, like, owe you an apology. I wasn't fair to you. It wasn't fair to start anything with you, to assume you would just be there. I don't know if this makes sense. I just thought it would be fine on its own, that we would work out. I thought you could just have the time when I did, like you didn't have a life or anything. It was just... thoughtless."

            "That's okay, I mean, I know you had responsibilities."

            "Yeah, well, like you said, it wasn't fair, and that's on me."

            "I kind of let it happen, let it start."

            Achilles smiled. "I'm glad you did. I always wanted it to happen."

            "Did you?"

            "Yeah, you remember when we were as teens?"

            "I do." He smiled at those memories. "I know we said we were practicing, but for me it was real."

            "For me too, except... except I thought we were straight. We were supposed to be straight."       

            "Well, I thought you were, I knew I wasn't, but I still didn't know I was bi."

            "Yeah, well, I just didn't even consider it. I had no idea what these feelings were. Even in college. I hooked up with a couple of guys, it wasn't often, not often enough to mean anything, and I dated women, so those times, they just seemed like lapses."

            "That happened to me," Patroclus said nodding. "I hooked up a little, and I had to make sense of it. They were all blond-haired athletes. Briseis always teased me that they looked like you." He gave Achilles a meaningful look.

            "Is that right?" Achilles laughed. "Because the guys I dated all looked like you, dark hair, brown eyes, super smart. Not that we discussed anything. They were hook ups."

            They shared a chuckle. "I wish I had told you sooner that I was bi," Patroclus said. "Maybe we could have gotten together."

            "Why didn't you?"

            He shrugged. "Just like I told you at the time. We got together so rarely, you were so busy. You had so much news. I was never dating anyone. And I thought you were straight, and I worried that it would change things."

            Achilles nodded. "I guess I understand. I can't imagine anything that would change how I feel though. It was like you were always there, in my life, even if we weren't in the same location."

            "I felt that way too."

            They sat smiling at each other a moment, a feeling of warmth filling Patroclus, and a waitress came over breaking the spell. They ordered another round of drinks, and Patroclus wasn't sure what to say at this point.

            "I guess, I wanted to tell you how I got into my marriage," Achilles said at last. "I'm just sort of embarrassed about it. You know, when I announced it to you, I kind of thought you would tell me I was rushing into it. Maybe I hoped you would, you know, try to stop me." He ran his hand over his face. "I don't know if I'm thinking that now or I really thought it then. I'm not sure what I was thinking then, if I was thinking." He let out a little huff of a laugh.

            The waitress came back with their drinks and they waited until she left them with a cheerful "enjoy!"

            "So, how did it happen?" Patroclus asked, curious. He was hungry to know about Achilles' life, but he also dreaded hearing it.

            Achilles sighed. "I met her at college. I don't remember when exactly. We hooked up at some party, though. Then, we started dating. I mean, that's all pretty standard, right? People started saying how good we looked together, that we would make beautiful babies. Like whatever. So she followed me to the games, and other people met her. My mom got involved, saying how pretty she was and what a great family, and, oh, she wanted a grandchild. Fucking hell. And you know how rich her family is! Then my dad, oh my god, my dadstarted talking to her dad who offered me that job that, like how am I supposed to be qualified for that?" He sat a moment looking off, shaking his head. "That's what I mean about just letting stuff happen to me."

            "Well, you did seem happy with her," Patroclus said.

            "We had fun in the beginning." Achilles shrugged. "I'm not saying it was bad or anything. We had a nice time. I'm just saying, if I had been thinking I would have realized it was just some fun. Yeah, she's beautiful, but it didn't go deeper than that for me. The reality was, my mind was on the Games. Dei was there in the background, and people seemed to see her as a permanent part of my life. And I was like whatever."

            They took a drink and Patroclus imagined how Achilles was just a couple of years ago. "So, you didn't really want to get married?"

            Achilles seemed thoughtful with his chin on his palm. "I don't think so. I'm not sure I was thinking about marriage in terms of love."

            "What?" Patroclus laughed.

            "I know." Achilles shook his head. "But look at my parents. Like, marriage is another obligation you commit to, it's not about enjoying someone's company or anything."

            "I see. That's sad."

            Achilles nodded. "So, I guess the point is, I hadn't admitted that I might actually be attracted to guys, I told myself marriage was some boring responsibility you take on as an adult, and I thought you were totally straight. Like, I was sure you were going to announce that you were getting married to Briseis."

            Patroclus almost choked on the beer he was drinking as he started to laugh. "You what now?"
            "I thought you were secretly dating Briseis and you didn't want to tell me because I had dated her in high school. I was so jealous."

            "Briseis and I have really only ever been friends."

            "Yeah, I guess I finally understood that, but it was long after I had started down this avenue of commitments."

            "Avenue of commitments," Patroclus mused. "That would be an awesome album name."

            Achilles chuckled. "Or just a song."

            "Or just a song." They smiled at each other. 

            "You telling me that you had dated guys, it sort of opened up something in me. I can't even describe it. I went back to New York in, like, a daze. You finally coming out, you probably noticed, it impacted me."

            "Yeah, I thought you might not want to be friends any more."

            "Why would I think that?"

            Patroclus shrugged. "Like I said, straight guys get weirded out."

            "Well, it did weird me out, but not like that. I didn't know it, but what I was feeling, it was that I was bi too. Instead, I went back and tried to feel something for Deidamia. And I didn't feel the same way. I kept thinking about you and us as teens."

            He remembered that Achilles said he had last slept with her in September, just after Patroclus' announcement. It wasn't something he needed to elaborate on though, and he definitely didn't want to think about it!

            "So where are you now in all this? What decisions have you made?"

            "Well, first, an easy one. I am going to have the operation on my ACL. I've put it off a long time, and the PT is only doing so much."

            "So, you're planning on doing the Olympics again?"

            "I don't know, maybe. That I haven't decided. But I miss running, like really running, and maybe I'll run a marathon."

            "Oh, wow, that's different."

            "Well, the Olympics is such a huge commitment, but marathons, that's not that big, you know?"

            "Sure," Patroclus agreed. "What else?"

            "Well, I haven't been happy." He rubbed his eyes. "I don't have any friends there, it's all Dei's family and quote unquote important people. I don't even get to see Ajax. I also hate the job. It's just so boring and not how I want to spend my days."

            "Yeah?"

            "So, I told my dad I don't want to do that job anymore."

            It was surprising given how excited he was about the salary benefits. "Oh, wow, what are you planning then?"

            "Are you ready for this? I thought I would go to grad school?"

            "What?" This was the last thing he expected.

            "Yeah," Achilles smiled. "I thought I would get a master's in sports management, up here, in Boston."

            "Really? Here?"

            Achilles hummed an affirmative. "There are a couple of programs that come with work study, is that what you call it? I would be an assistant coach of the track team. They have housing because they want grad students to live with the teams in cohorts or something. I mean, the money doesn't matter. I have money, but it comes with a salary and a scholarship if you get in."

            "Wow, how did you find out about that?"

            "Friends, you know, someone told me about it. One of my friends from the Olympic team is doing something like this in Ithaca. So, yeah, and I asked around, and there are some places up here that do that."

            Patroclus sat gaping at Achilles in amazement. "That would be awesome." We could hang out, he thought but didn't say. I could see you all the time.

            Achilles was smiling. "I think I would like it better than finance."

            "So have you been accepted?"
            "Not yet. The letters are going out any day now, but I have an inside person saying they think it will be positive."

            "So, what does Deidamia think about all this?"

            "Well, she thinks I'm being stupid," he said slowly inhaling meaningfully. "She thinks I'm giving up something real for something... useless. But, it really doesn't matter what she thinks because I've decided to leave her."

            The last sentence hit Patroclus like a fist to the chest. "Oh?" was all he managed to say.

            "I'm not happy with her. Like I said, we had fun at first. It's just, I think it was always a mistake, just a thing I let happen to me. So I've started the divorce process."

             Patroclus nodded as he thought about how often Achilles seemed to be drinking, as if he was self-medicating.

            Achilles continued, "In all this, I'm not trying to say that I wish I hadn't prepared for the Olympics and gone, I just wish sometimes that I would have also paid attention to my personal life more. Like I wish I would have thought about my orientation more and what my hookups meant or what you meant to me. I just... didn't. Maybe I couldn't."

            Patroclus sat amazed at his friend's introspection. "Wow, I can't believe how you are able to articulate all this."

            "Well, I didn't do it on my own," Achilles said with a chagrined look. "I've been seeing a therapist."

            Patroclus barked a laugh. "Oh, I get it now."

            "Initially, it wasn't about this. When I was injured, my trainer said I should go talk to someone, and I thought it was dumb idea, but he sort of made me."

            "Well it worked."

            "I guess. I saw a few dicks before I found someone that was okay, and I hated that douchebag."

            Patroclus laughed. "Tell me how you really feel."

            "Most of what we did was talk about how I felt about my injury and training and maybe never participating in the Olympics. Even back in December, I didn't tell him about you. It wasn't until you asked for the break. I was especially angry or something, I don't know."

            "So he helped you figure it out?"

            "I guess. That asshole convinced me I had to sort out my fucking feelings and take responsibility. But yeah, he helped me. I hate that fucker."

            They shared a chuckle.

            "So, to recap, you're getting divorced and you might be going to grad school up here in Boston and you're going to have your operation. That's a lot."

            Achilles shrugged, "I guess, but it seems like the right path. There's a pre-nup, so there's not a ton to decide."

            "How did Deidamia take your announcement?"

            "Fuck, wanna talk about world war three! It was not pretty. I don't blame her or anything. The thing is, when I told her I was bi, she seemed pretty disgusted with me. I really don't want to think of the shit she said."

            "What about Pyrrhus?" Patroclus asked, concerned that Achilles would just not worry about him.

            "Well, that's one of the things we'll decide. I figure I have to have some role in his life, so we'll see. I mean, he's one right now."

            Patroclus took a drink, pondering all the announcements.

            "So," Achilles continued with a deep inhale, "would you care to go on a real date with a soon-to-be divorced father of a one-year-old who may soon also be another grad student?" His gaze landed in Patroclus' sending a jolt through him.

            "What's his name?" Patroclus joked.

            Achilles' eyes lit up with humor. "It begins with an A, I think."

            "Is he cute?"

            "Maybe. If you like blond athletic types." Achilles' eyes sparkled.

            They laughed a moment. "I would love to go on a date with you," Patroclus responded softly.

            "There is one more wrinkle I think I need to tell you," Achilles said turning his glass on the coaster. "My parents are not at all thrilled with this turn of events."

            "I imagine!" Patroclus said. "You had the beautiful wife and the perfect job. It's like some grade A life plans right there."

            "Yeah, that's it. But also, like in November, someone saw you and me out in the Village. Like some gay friend of my mother's and he told her, and she laid into me."

            "I don't think your mother ever liked me."

            "She was fine with you."

            Patroclus gave a noncommittal shrug with a wry expression.

            "Okay, you're right. I never understood why. Maybe it has to do with your dad. Anyway, she was super upset at me. She started telling me I should try for another kid. I just... have no interest in that. Anyway, she thinks being gay will wreak any Olympic aspirations. She doesn't recognize bi, but whatever. I told her I don't think it matters. So, if we get together, like, I would have to put out a press release or something. Would that bother you? To be so open about it?"

            "Are you assuming we would be a long-term relationship?" Patroclus asked frowning.

            Achilles' eyes opened wide. "No, I'm not assuming, I wouldn't, I just... I do have a public..."

            "I'm joking, Achilles," Patroclus said softly. "I would love for us to be in an official relationship."

            "You would?"

            Patroclus nodded with a soft smile. "I've wanted that for so long."

            "Yeah?" Achilles grinned. "Me too."

            Achilles lay his hand on the table palm up, and Patroclus took it. They sat in silence gazing at one another and gently caressing the other's hand, and the waitress came over. "Do you want anything else?"

            "I think we're done here," Patroclus said thinking that there was so much else he wanted.

            "I'll bring the check."

            "Were you thinking what I was thinking?" Achilles asked, smirking.

            "Probably." They sat another moment. "So, would you like to spend the night at my place?"

            "I thought you would never ask."

            The waitress arrived with their check and Achilles reached into his pocket for his wallet. When she took his card, he said, "There is something I forgot to give you earlier."

            "Oh?"

            "Close your eyes."

            Patroclus obeyed and felt Achilles' warm hands gently unfurl his fingers and place a square of paper in his palm.

            "Open them."

            Patroclus looked at his hand, which holding a gold star sticker.

            Achilles grinned over at him. "You earned that."

Chapter Text

Patroclus felt drops of rain. He looked up at the sky, searingly white, and another drop hit him square in the forehead. Was rain anticipated today? This seemed to come out of the blue. He couldn't see clouds or anything really, just whiteness all around. Then someone was chuckling and he looked around at the blank landscape only to feel yet another drop on his cheek.

            He startled awake, eyes flying open to see Achilles smiling down on him, wearing one of the white robes the bed-and-breakfast provided.

            "Oh, it's you," he said relaxing back into the pillows. "I thought it was raining."

            Achilles laughed, shaking more water on him causing him to cringe away under the blanket. "I thought this would wake you up."

            Patroclus remembered a year and a half ago when Achilles spent the weekend at his apartment. He woke him the same way. He smiled fondly up at him. "Were you looking for a sharpie to draw on my face too?"

            "What, do I look like I'm fifteen?" Achilles replied with fake offense as he rubbed a towel on his head.

            "Maybe," Patroclus murmured in response, admiring the view. Once Achilles let the towel drop, Patroclus did not hesitate to pull him down onto him and snuggle into his neck taking in the scent of shampoo and shower gel. "I guess you showered?"

            "Is it so obvious?" Achilles replied softly. Then more seriously, he said, "I took a little jog and did my PT exercises. I thought a shower might be appropriate after."

            "Hmmm, How's the ACL?" he asked. Achilles' operation now dated back a couple of months and he was still going at his rehabilitation carefully.

            "Feels okay, no problems."

            "That's good." Patroclus nibbled a little at his neck. "Anyway, you smell good. Clean."

            "That was the goal," Achilles said back with humor. "And you smell.... hmm, like you had sex last night."

            Patroclus laughed quietly. "There was this attractive man here...."

            "Is that right? Was he cute?"

            "Gorgeous," Patroclus replied. "I could shower if you want. If the odor bothers you."

            "No, I like it like this. Reminds me of... things." They continued letting their hands wander over each other's backs and shoulders. Patroclus' mouth found its way to Achilles' earlobe. Achilles continued, "You know, I heard that having sex on a wedding day brings the bride and groom good fortune. Or in this case, two brides."

            "Did you now?" Patroclus asked softly next to his ear.

            "I think it's an old tradition, like something borrowed, something blue...."

            "Something old and something something sex in a bed-and-breakfast?" Patroclus finished. "Hm, something's off about the rhyme." They both laughed, and he slid his hands into the robe to pull it off before pushing him down onto the mattress. "Well, just in case it is a tradition..."

******

            Patroclus was the most relaxed he had ever been. With spring semester over, his coursework was complete and he had received approvals on all phases of his dissertation: the abstract, the timeline, the committee. Achilles had been accepted into a sports management program with assistant coach position. He had a few duties starting in August when student athletes returned early and the team began training. For now, he was spending most of the week at Patroclus' with weekly trips down to New York to see his son.

            Since their talk after Patroclus' exams, they had discussed their relationship more and were in a good place. Granted, Achilles was less good at these discussions. He tended to listen more than speak, often fidgeting with the gyro toy or jiggling his leg, but Patroclus had hopes that this would improve with time. At least he did listen and respond to what Patroclus had to say.

            For now they cleared up how hurt Patroclus had been when Achilles had left without saying good-bye the first times they slept together. It took a little going around to understand that Achilles was concerned about the feeling of intimacy he had experienced and he was simply used to hook ups where he or the other person left in the night. Basically, it was clear Achilles just acted without much thought. That was another thing Patroclus hoped would improve. They also talked about how much jealousy they had experienced through the years and laid out some expectations. They agreed to be honest, even if it could hurt the other, and they both wanted to be monogamous.

            Achilles' divorce process was also underway, and Patroclus had to prod him to understand where things stood with Deidamia. It would take months, even more than a year, even with the prenup for things to be finalized. Achilles didn't tend to fill him in, he just wanted things to happen and wasn't keen on supplying details. He seemed stunned that Patroclus took any interest at all, but he did answer when directly asked.

            "Didn't you discuss things with Deidamia when you were married?"

            Achilles shrugged. "She sort of organized things, and I just went along. Or I found a way to ditch."

            Patroclus was appalled. "That isn't healthy for a relationship!"

            "Oh," Achilles replied with wide eyes. He didn't have more of a response.

            One time, Patroclus walked in while Achilles was on the phone with Deidamia. Sometimes, under the guise of organizing Achilles' trip to see his son, she called and an argument ensued. Well, actually, it was more a monologue on her part. Achilles mainly listened and sometimes responded in monosyllables or "if that's what you think."

            Patroclus felt awkward listening in. He didn't want to eavesdrop, but it was his apartment and he had just come in from class. Achilles didn't mind him hearing, or so he said.

            "I'm not saying anything secret."

            "But, it is between the two of you," Patroclus protested.

            "Well, she just wants to yell at me," Achilles said. "I get it. I mean, I think she thought we were set."

            "And you're fine with these conversations?"

            He shrugged. "They'll eventually stop. When she's done."

            "But... don't you have anything to contribute?"

            "Not really. The lawyers will sort through the details."

******

            It was a beautiful wedding weekend. Although the day started out overcast, it promised to clear by mid-afternoon and Briseis and Chryseis' ceremony. Patroclus dressed in a purple shirt, a complement to Briseis' lavender dress, and black pants. He trimmed his beard and tried to comb his hair into behaving.

            "You have to take lots of pictures!" he told Achilles. "I won't be able to."

            "No worries," Achilles responded. "Let's see you."

            He helped Patroclus smooth his shirt and eyed him up and down with an unreadable expression.

            "So?" Patroclus said, a little impatient thinking that he might have something wrong.

            "I think I'll keep you!" He gave Patroclus a little kiss on the nose.

            ******

            Although the wedding was not traditional, Briseis and Chryseis opted not to see each other or the other's wedding dress until the moment of the ceremony. Briseis was staying at a nearby bed-and-breakfast and Patroclus walked there before they had to head over. She was already dressed in a lavender mid-calf gown, putting final touches to her make-up when he arrived. Her hair looked beautiful, swept up into an artful updo with some curls on the sides of her face.

            "You look amazing," he said when they greeted each other. "How are you feeling?"

            "Thanks, I'm feeling okay." She beamed at him.

            "Any jitters?"

            "Just excitement. I got texts that everything is okay." As if to demonstrate, she pulled out her phone and started scrolling. "The flowers are in place, the tables set up, Chryseis is happy with her hair. Um, our parents seem to be getting along or at least they are passive-aggressively avoiding arguments."

            Patroclus laughed. "Well, that's not bad."

            "Do you have the ring?"

            "I do." He pulled out the little box to show her.

            "That's the main thing."

            "I'm so happy for you!" he said, feeling excited. "I would hug you, but I'm worried about messing something up."

            She grabbed his hand and they squeezed. "Thank you for being my best person!"

            "Of course!"

            "Maybe one day I can return the favor." Her dark eyes sparkled over at him.

            He felt warm all over imagining that one day maybe he and Achilles might get married. For now, he was happy that their lives were back together.

            "One step at a time, yeah?" he replied. "Achilles isn't divorced, and we're still trying this out."

            "Right," she answered rolling her eyes. "You've only both been wanting this since... forever. But, I guess it is new and exciting being together at last."

            He smiled, thinking how right that sounded. "Yeah, it is."

                        ******

            The wedding guests were a mix of the two brides' various friend groups and families. Some people seemed dressed very traditionally while others were more colorful and gender non-conforming. Overall, it was a lovely event with the clouds clearing just as the brides reached the celebrant. Chryseis complemented Briseis in a pink dress, her hair also beautifully swept up on her head. The sun seemed to reach out with its rays at the right moment for dramatic touches, and Patroclus was really moved by their personal vows. Both women teared up as well, and when they kissed, everyone clapped and cheered. Patroclus managed to catch Achilles' eye and they shared a knowing look. How wonderful it was to know this was a shared communication, that they had talked and were together. He just felt like he was overflowing with warmth and love.

******

            The reception was the same place as the wedding, and after the thousands of pictures, they headed to their tables for the meal.         He and Achilles were seated with several high school friends.

            When he arrived, a very pregnant Penelope greeted him, beaming. "I knew you both would find someone, didn't I always say?" she said as she gave Patroclus a hug around her bump.

            "You did!"

            "I'm so happy for you both!" She placed her hand on her belly.

            "So when are you due?" He asked shaking Odysseus' hand.

            "Next month sometime," she replied. "I have to admit I'm looking forward to that. It is hard to sleep right now."

            "Yeah, she's up all night," Odysseus said. "But once our little man gets here, we'll be sleeping even less." They both laughed.

            "Oh, so you know it's a boy?" Patroclus asked. "Do you have a name?"

            "We do, but it's a secret," Penelope said raising her eyebrows.

******

            The party went on long into the night. Patroclus danced with Briseis and Chryseis, but mainly, he was able to dance with Achilles. Although the happy couple left for their honeymoon bed-and-breakfast, other guests stayed, dancing and talking.

            "What did you think of their ceremony?" Patroclus asked as they headed back to their bed-and-breakfast.

            "It was nice," Achilles said.

            "Do you think... like, would you, I mean when your divorce goes through, would you want to get married again?"

            "To whom?" Achilles joked.

            "I have a guy in mind." Patroclus smiled as he leaned into Achilles' arms.

            "Is he cute?"

            "If you like guys with dark hair and eyes, scientific types."

            "I'll think about it," Achilles laughed. "Hey, you know the sun comes up soon."

            Patroclus yawned. "Oh yeah?"

            "Yeah, we should stay up, go watch it. It should be nice from here." They were almost to the accommodation, walking on the sidewalk between the road and beach.

            "I'm a little tired," Patroclus replied, hesitating between heading back to their room or agreeing to Achilles' suggestion.

            "Come on, we can sleep in," Achilles said, pulling him by the hand. "When was the last time you saw the sun rise?"

            "Alright."

            They headed to the beach and took off their shoes and socks at the entrance. The sand was cool on his feet. Achilles did cartwheels in the sand making Patroclus smile. "Let's dip our feet in." Achilles grabbed his hand again and pulled him to the water.

            They cuffed their pants, and let the cold water run over their feet. It seemed to be high tide, but here the surf was gentle.

            ******

            As sunrise neared, the sky turned various pastel colors, peach, soft yellow, orange, and the birds seemed to know daybreak was around the corner. Gulls and birds Patroclus couldn't identify flew in small groups screeching excitedly. A few other people had come to witness it, some with dogs, some with children who ran along the surf loudly talking to each other. Achilles came behind him and put his arms around him, planting a kiss on his neck.

            The first dot of sun was coming over the water. It was amazing to witness this.

            "I'm glad you suggested this," Patroclus said. "I think this is the first sunrise I've seen." He turned to Achilles, whose face was being lit by the rising sun.

            "Pretty amazing, isn't it?"

            "Yeah," Patroclus replied as Achilles turned to smile at him. "It's pretty amazing."