Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

*** The Ending ***

The Fold had been destroyed, the Darkling was dead, his body burned to ashes. She felt a bit hollow but figured it would go away with time, figured she would manage to get over the lingering feelings she’d once had for the Shadow Summoner. Things would go well now. But in her despair over Mal’s death she had used merzost. And after that everything went askew.

“I don’t feel it anymore” Said Mal almost tearing… as if he was the one who should be sad about this. Just like that, after all her sacrifices for him, her ruined childhood, her wasted life, her torn soul, he left her. To become a dumb pirate nonetheless. Abandoned her with a vague promise of maybe coming back, if he ever found out he actually missed her now that he was no longer under the influence of his amplifying nature. That was the first stab.

“I wish I could take credit” Said Nina to Nikolai, upon asking about her miraculous resurrection of the now gone tracker. Because of that Nikolai had become weary of her and when, trying to defend him, she’d summoned that shadow cut… That was when things went really messy. The second stab.

“You can’t lock me up in here. Nikolai! Zoya!”

“It’s only temporary, Alina. Till we understand why your power has been corrupted.”

Temporary… According to whose timeline exactly? Nikolai and Zoya ended up marrying after a few years. They stopped visiting her then. Malyen? He came to see her once. Horrified she’d become a Shadow Summoner , he told her he wished her a swift death. Only she wasn’t dying. Despite not summoning, despite the pain of wasting sickness, she wasn’t dying, wasn’t aging. Genya was the only one who carried on visiting her, over and over, for decades never missing one day. Even once she was so old and wrinkled she had to ask for someone to carry her down to the dungeons. Even once she lost the use of her second eye, blinded by old age. Till one day no one came, and Alina knew that she was no more. Time passed, kings changed. There was some coup once, where the Palace almost burned. But the new owner kept her there still. Why, she did not know. Grisha were persecuted again, many cells next to her being filled with her kin. All day long she heard them being tortured and killed. But no one ever neared her cell anymore. Stilled in time, she waited.

Her only respite was her dreams. Where she could meet the one person who’d ever seen her for who she really was. And loved her for it. She dreamt how different her life would’ve been if she’d never left that war room ages ago. If she’d met the man when she was still young enough to be taught properly, not yet stubborn, or stuck in a toxic and damaging relationship. Dreamt all the numerous decisions she should’ve made differently. Her lingering feelings, her love, had never died despite the time. Instead the longing was everlasting. The regrets plagued her with a never ending pain. Why had she been so young, so naive. Every word he’d told her that she refused to hear then was everyday truer. How the world was a dark and unforgiving place. How he had no choice but to act the way he did. If only… if only she could go back. Start again. Be given a second chance. Oh she would make things right then she swore to the Making. She would save the Grisha, save him. Love him. Over and over. She wanted nothing more. She prayed to the Saints, prayed to the Making. Please, please, let me try again. Let me change this. Please.

And the Making answered.

*** The Wake ***

She was dreaming of Aleksander, as every time she dreamt. It was a painfully sweet dream, one of their first kiss in the war room. A memory still so vivid despite the centuries. How she’d pulled up the gut to approach him then, she didn’t actually remember. Neither did she recall the exact words said. But the feeling of his lips on hers, the softness, the heat, the butterflies, that was etched on her very soul. His smile afterward, how they would’ve kissed some more if not interrupted. The sense of perfection. A moment where they both had everything they had ever wanted, they would ever want. Peace. 

She remembered his almost last words, spoken much later, before she pierced him with the sword. 

“And for a moment, I swear I did.” 

For decades she had wondered, agonized even, over what kind of memory had passed his mind then. And for the first time in forever, she was realizing the meaning of the words. A new ache seized her heart. After all this time, how little faith she have had in him. His peace, true peace, had never been a moment of control. It was that single point in time when neither of them had any plan and just shared a moment of ungoverned and unforeseen love. Tears welled in her eyes. It was hers too. The one moment where her happiness had peaked. Where her future seemed bright and she felt seen, loved, appreciated for who she truly was. More than pain now, she was feeling rage. The anger seeped through her veins as she thought of the unfairness of the world that had caused this, that had caused her to be so stupid. It spread like poison in every corner of her body. And then… just sorrow, the pressure on her heart and head insufferable, for her life had been wasted in vain, and nothing could ever make things right again. A jolt of abysmal anguish passed her body, making her shiver into her bones, and finally she felt the water escape her eyes and roll down her temples… instead of her cheeks. At that her mind suddenly came to full consciousness. She was lying down?

Alina’s eyes flung open as she sat up brusquely. Her body ached everywhere, nothing unusual there, but she was free of chains and resting in a moderately comfortable bed. It took her a second to adjust to the darkness of the room she was in. There were some low regular noises all around her, soft rumblings of people sleeping. Immediately she recognized the place. She was in the girls’ dormitories, in Keramzin. Confusion filled her mind and she brought a hand forth to rub her forehead only to stop in the middle of her movement, fascinated by the sight of it. It was so… small? Her whole body was, she noticed, as she patted down herself half panicked and half amazed at the situation. Flat chest, narrow hips, short and weak arms. Even her hair felt significantly shorter. She jumped out of her bed and wobbled on her legs for a second, like they were unfamiliar limbs she’d lost the habit of using. She stumbled hurriedly to the communal washroom, trying not to wake anyone in the process. The orphanage was deadly silent for it was probably the middle of the night, and the few oil lamps dimly lighting the corridors outside the dorms seemed almost out of fuel considering the constant flickering of the flames. She entered the washroom, pushed the door close behind her, and after checking she was alone, locked it. Then, with much caution and hesitation, she walked to the nearest mirror to finally glance at herself.

It felt as if looking at a ghost of the past. The little girl reflected was barely over eight years old, with cobweb strands of dull hair, pale and bruised skin, her face all bony and dark circles under her eyes. A sickly and scrawny child, suffering from wasting sickness already. The orphan Alina from so long ago. 

She pinched her arm roughly and the pain convinced her that this was reality. This was real. She had, somehow, turned back time. And though it was unbelievable, though it should’ve been impossible, she knew it was. She raised her hands in front of her and reached deep inside, to this piece of herself she’d kept hidden, to her inner light. And maybe it was her first time in this existence, maybe it was the first time in centuries for her mind, but the light answered right away and sprang out of her, unbridled and free. Her light, her power, herself. Tears filled her eyes again and she cried softly watching the tendrils of energy swirl around her. It took her a moment to calm down her emotions.

She wiped her face with her sleeve and sat down in a corner of the bathroom. And then she did the very next thing that came to her mind as a matter of importance, and focused on another tingle that laid in the darkest place of her heart. It did not make much sense for them to still be tethered and yet she felt they were. Then again, her coming back in time made no sense either, who was she to question the ways of the Making. 

When she opened her eyes, she saw she was not in a child's body anymore. And it was only logical, this was not reality but a projection of her mind, and she saw herself in the same body she’d known for centuries now. The sight wasn’t so pretty. Her hair that had grown so long during her captivity fell disorderly around her and pooled at her feet on the ground, more luscious than her child counterpart but barely. She was wearing some old and battered gown, once beautiful for she wore it as a member of Nikolai’s court, before being arrested and locked away in the dungeons in it. Her skin was tinted with gray tones that gave away the fact that she was suffering from centuries old wasting sickness. Alina closed her eyes anew and focused to update the mental image she had of herself to something more flattering. To that moment when she’d been beautiful and loved. And there she was, splendid and healthy again, dressed, styled and tailored like she’d been on the night of the Winter Fete, wearing the kefta he’d given her so long ago, all black with shining golden embroidery representing the sun inside her. After the short appraisal of her own body she looked around to see where she was. 

The room, no it was actually a tent, though almost completely made of black and dark things, was dimly lit by a couple candles set up over a desk. He was there, hunching over the table, his back at her, probably looking at some map. Alina dared not move, dared not breathe, too emotional as she was upon finally seeing the man she’d thought of everyday for the last three hundred years. She knew her eyes were full of tears ready to break free, and that the moment she etched a breath they would escape her control. So she stayed still for a while, watching him rummage through his papers and reports, occasionally hearing him click his tongue in disapprobation. After an unknown number of minutes, or hours she had no sense of time lost in her admiration, a man, a Corporalki wearing a red kefta, entered the place and he tilted his head to face him, showing the side of his beautiful face. And maybe in that instant he caught a glimpse of her in the corner of his eyes because he turned in her direction.

Alina woke up before their eyes could meet, after hearing a loud bang on the door that startled her. 

“Whoever is in there, open the door right now! If I have to go get the key it’s gonna end very poorly for you.” Said the angry high pitched voice while banging on the bathroom door. Alina recognized Ana Kuya’s voice.

After a few more bangs, she heard the housekeeper leaving, probably to retrieve said key, and Alina sneaked out back to her dorm quickly, before being found. For the rest of the night, lying on her bed wide awake, she cried. Tears of joy and relief and longing and pain. He was alive. So close. So far. But alive.

*** The Darkling ***

Alina woke up in her bed the next night. Confused to say the least. The previous night she had stayed awake till the first ray of light and then… blackout. Maybe her young body was just too frail to spend the night awake? But to sleep the whole day and then wake up at night again… how weak was she, really. Anyway, here she was again. 

She checked around her and all her peers were soundly asleep again. She moved to get up, but winced as a dull pain sent a shiver through her body. She looked down to her left hand, the source of this unexpected ache, and saw it was bandaged. 

Her heart stopped for a second. 

Almost shaking, she untied the cloth around her palm, only to see the deep mark she'd self inflicted herself, in another life, to escape the Grisha examination. And the worst part was that she was absolutely certain she did not have this wound the prior night. Had she really slept through the day? And had it even been only one day? 

She slipped out of bed and left the dorm before walking in the direction of the classroom. There was a calendar there, one that Ana Kuya would mark everyday to teach them about the passing time. She called upon her light and illuminated the dark room enough to be able to read the date. 

The day the testers came to Keramzin… Her heart skipped another beat. Whatever had happened between her previous waking and now, had included the visit from the Grisha, and she had evaded the test just as she had done so many years ago. Alina sat down at her desk, pondering. Was she actually just reliving past moments of her existence? Odd moments it would be. Or was she just not able to remember her days? There were so many possibilities. She did not have enough information as-is to deduce much. She would have to wait for morning again. See if she lost consciousness this time too, check the date next time she woke up… 

She played with her light a bit, trying to seek comfort in the ribbons of gold that were dancing around her. It wasn't very efficient. She closed her eyes and thought about Aleksander instead. Seeing him, that was sure to lift her spirit. She tugged at the tether that she’d awoken during her previous visit and appeared, again in her adult and dazzling body, in his tent anew. But this time the place was plunged in the dark and she found him, sleeping on his bed, all dressed up, save for his kefta neatly folded on a chair. It actually made her chuckle, to imagine he had been so tired after his day he had just laid down there without even caring to remove his boots. Slowly she sat down on the side of the bed next to him, hoping she wouldn't crease the bed enough to wake him. He almost looked peaceful like that, and she tried to remember a time when she’d seen him so relaxed before. Sadly nothing came to mind. Maybe it was that her presence had never been relaxing to him… Or maybe they had not been so close that he would really show her… What part of her memories were fabrication and tales she’d told herself in her darkest hours?

She stayed there for quite a long time, thinking again about her situation, about how she’d managed to find herself in it, about past mistakes she really didn’t want to do again if she was given the opportunity. When she felt like dawn was coming close, she raised her hand to his face, hovering just over his skin and beard, not daring to touch him for she didn’t want to wake him up. She could feel the prickling energy of their tether under her palm and fingers, like there was some kind of electricity circulating in between them. Again she felt her emotions bundled up at the back of her throat, menacing to break free. She moved back. And with a last look at him she whispered.

“I really missed you, Sasha.” 

Before disappearing again. 

Another day passed, another night she awakened, over and over. After checking the dates and testing several things, she realized the truth of her reality. It was like she was in control of her body only when night came, from dusk to dawn. Every time she had felt like everyone was already fast asleep when she woke up, but that was only because it was summer and the sun actually left the sky really late. Her moment of control was tied to the Sun, or the absence of it. During the day, from what she could observe through her sketchbook and other details, she was living just fine, only it wasn’t her. It was her old self, the original naïve and weak Alina, unaware she was sharing her consciousness with another version of herself. In that situation it was actually difficult to impact her life profoundly. 

After weeks of pondering, she decided the best course of action was to let herself live on her own for now, not making her existence known, and limiting her interference with her original life at the daily use of her light, which already had a positive effect on her body. At least she would reach adulthood in better shape… It might have seemed like a weird idea to decide not to interfere but honestly, it made her life predictable. She knew what she was going to do, and with whom. Until the day she would cross the Fold, her body would be safe, and regardless, that did not mean she had to stay idle till then. 

Up to now she had been visiting the Darkling every night without fail. Sometimes, he was sleeping. She would just sit next to his lying figure and look at him all night long, while thinking of what she should tell him when they first did talk. And other times, most times really, he was working, focused on his reports, writing out orders, planning his wars and battles. She enjoyed watching him dutifully preparing for the future. He would sound tired, she could hear his numerous yawns every night he stayed up, or in dismay more often than she wished for, when she saw how he huffed and passed him hands over his face constantly. But regardless of the daunting and seemingly impossible task he was trying to achieve, he still carried on. A model of patience. Till now, she had forced herself to stay cautious and out of sight because she wasn’t set on the best path before her. And if at first he never seemed to notice her, recently she'd start wondering. Was it a flinch in his shoulders she’d caught upon her arrival? Was he holding in his breath, ears and attention turned to the silence of the room after she'd made that step? Maybe he could sense her presence… After all she was only there in his mind. She would know soon for sure, for the night she would make her presence known was finally here.

That night actually, for the first time, there were several people in the war room, Corporalki and Oprichniki, and of course he was there too, back turned to her. She noticed once again his shoulders tensing upon her arrival and if he hadn’t noticed her it was certain at least that her presence caused a shift in the air that he perceived. Calmly she walked around the room, detailing the face of the people in it. She was amused for a second when she recognized one of the Heartrenders being a barely-over-his-teenage-years Ivan, already so stern in the face, yet looking so blue. Other faces seemed familiar but she couldn’t actually recall their name. And others older ones she did not recognize at all.

“Moi Soverenyi?”

Alina had moved around the other side of the room, in front of his desk, now plainly in sight of the Darkling. And he was looking at her with a frowned and severe face, and maybe a slight bit of panic underneath too. Clearly he was questioning his sanity at the sight of what was probably an hallucination. She propped herself to sit on his desk and looked back at him showing off her best smile. His soldiers, Ivan included, were alternating between his stunned face and the desk they could only discern as empty, not understanding the problem.

“They can’t see me. You’re the only one.” She said softly, cocking her face slightly to the side, in a way she hoped he would find charming.

“Sir? Is everything alright?” The General raised a hand to silence his men.

“It’s late, let’s stop here for tonight. Report back tomorrow morning at dawn.”

His voice was so soft and deep, just like she remembered. She hadn’t actually had the occasion to hear it till now, for he was always working alone late at night, so she had to fight her eyes not to tear again at the comforting sound. The soldiers around him were dumbfounded for a moment. But the Darkling was still looking intently at an empty point of the room, not giving them anymore attention, so they started packing up their things and left. The two of them did not move, Alina sustaining his inquisitorial gaze the best she could, though she really wanted to burst into tears, or laughters of joy she wasn’t sure. When the door of his office finally closed he spoke to her.

“I’ve been thinking I was hallucinating lately… but if you can speak I guess it means you’re not a fragment of my imagination, are you?”

She huffed a bit, trying to hold off her laughter, but it only made him narrow his eyes at her.

“Oh that’s funny? If you’re real then, are you just a vulgar spy with… interesting capacities?”

“Oh no, I’m not a spy!" She defended herself immediately. "I’ve been building up my courage to talk to you. But I didn't mean to make it look as though I was spyi...”

Before she could finish her sentence, she saw the darkness gathered in front of him and he threw a shadow cut at her.

“Wait!” She disappeared from his desk before the shadow could touch her, only to reappear in his back. “I’m not an enemy, don’t attack me.”

He turned around but bolstered back seeing how close she was to him, only to find himself stuck against the war table.

“How… are you doing that? Just who are you?” 

And she could tell, behind his angry and cold demeanor, he was actually feeling scared of her right now. Despite all his years of existence it was certainly the first time he was experiencing such a thing as a tether, and she was a stranger who had been stalking him every night for the last few weeks. Of course he would feel some kind of anguish. Alina put her hands up in front of her and approached him carefully.

“I swear to you, I’m not here for any malicious reason. I’m… I’m a friend… more than that really.” She extended her hand to the Darkling who was clearly ready to launch another attack. “Please Aleksander, let me show you.” He jolted at the sound of his name and maybe it was that, or maybe her pleading face was convincing enough, or maybe it was simply curiosity taking over, but he ended up relaxing a bit and took the wrist of the hand she was holding out for him. Immediately she could feel the call of his amplification flowing where they touched, even if everything was happening in this half oniric reality. She let her light answer the call and expand brightly in the room, engulfing them both in its radiance. It felt so good, to finally share her powers with him again, to bask in that strength only he had ever given her. She couldn’t help but close her eyes and revel at the sensation she thought she’d lost forever. Aleksander moved closer to her, his other hand sliding to her waist and she could feel the heat of his body now so close to hers. She opened her eyes and raised her face to look at him. The man was just in awe, and he was the one watching her with almost tearing eyes this time. He let go of her wrist to cup her face, and she could almost taste his fear that she really was some kind of hallucination he was having.

“You are… a Sun Summoner.” He said, voice strangled with emotions. She let out a small giggle, half laugh, half cry, her own eyes watery again. Her hand drifted to the nape of his neck, till she could actually feel the softness of his hair under her fingers.

“No Sasha…” She lifted herself on her toes and pulled him down ever so slightly, just enough so she could be on level with his lips. “I’m your Sun Summoner.” And then she kissed him.

The touch of his lips, it was just the same as then. The same softness and heat, the same butterflies awoken again. She cried at the same time she kissed him, overwhelmed by the mixture of a long lost past (or future?) that would never happen like it did in her memory, and the present that wasn’t really happening either for this was all in their heads. Regardless it felt close enough and she clinged to the feeling, like she did to him. His response was… weak to say the least, but she couldn’t exactly blame him considering she had just turned his world upside down. He did not push her away at least. When their lips parted his face was still stunned, somewhere lost in the middle of amazement and fright. Not quite what she'd hope to see but she brought forth her most wide and comforting smile. She brushed her hands against his cheek.

"Now, I hope you're not too shocked already, for I have many, many things to tell you, Sasha…"

*** Ten years in a blink ***

Weeks turned to months then to years, and Alina’s life went on. She spent almost all of her conscious time with Aleksander, through their tether. Talking endlessly with him about the past, the future, the plan. After his initial confusion, and after giving him enough details that made him trust she was not just trying to manipulate him, she had shared everything she knew and recalled with him. And if at first he had insisted to go retrieve her day self from Keramzin, to bring her to safety, she had managed to convince him otherwise when her knowledge of the future helped him win a battle in Dva Stolba against Shu Han. Discovering the Sun Summoner earlier was sure to change drastically the timeline she knew and they agreed it was a waste of good intel. There was also another reason that convinced the both of them not to meddle with the timeline more than needed for the time being. And that was linked to a discovery Aleksander had made while going through his grandfather’s notes in Morozova’s workshop.

About four years after she’d turned back time, she joined him as usual just after sundown. He was in what almost looked like an underground cavern, a stone room with no windows covered with shelves of parchments and books, lit out brightly with several fire torches. Aleksander was sitting in front of a massive stone desk, and going through the pages of an old and heavy volume, occasionally taking some time to scribble some comments in his own notebook. Alina put her arms around his neck and hugged him from behind. He barely flinched.

“Is it nighttime already?” He asked while turning around to kiss her.

She hummed back in confirmation and chuckled as he immediately went back to his work.

“Did you find anything interesting? For you to lose track of time, it must be something big.”

“Actually I did… And it’s encouraging but also… not that much.” He moved his chair back a bit and pulled her to his lap. “See, Morozova is talking about some experiments he did with merzost that seems close enough to some short periods of time travel. He mentions some disjunction between his mind and body then, and says he had to resynchronize himself to fix the issue.” He sounded so excited talking about that stuff it was a bit comical, and very endearing. But really she didn’t understand a word.

“That’s gibberish to me, love… How do you resynchronize yourself?”

He clicked his tongue but he didn’t actually answer her. He was drumming a finger on her thigh and obviously lost in his thoughts. After a long minute of silence she had to comment.

“You mean you don’t have a clue, that’s it?” She said half laughing.

“Well, no, I have some ideas, but… It means you probably need to bring both of your minds as close as possible to the same state. And that's trouble. You are an over three hundred years old powerful Grisha and Daylina is just a little girl who has no idea she even has powers. So the gap is quite wide right now.”

Daylina was the nickname they gave her day self, to avoid confusion.

“You mean I’ll have to wait three hundred years… and then maybe or maybe not I will get back the control on my body full time?” She couldn’t help but sound disappointed. 

“Not exactly. It's probably not time related per say. More like, Daylina needs to feel the things that impacted your mind and self-perception profoundly. For example how  the amplifiers made you feel more powerful. Even the… collaring and such…” Although he had never actually collared her, she could hear the guilt in his voice every time the subject was brought forth. The poor man was regretting what some version of him had done as if it was his own fault. But the idea of having it happen again was indeed kind of depressing.

“Oh…”

“It also means her feelings for people need to be in sync with yours. Like how you hate Mal, Zoya and all. Or how you love me…" He paused. "I’ll have to make Daylina fall for me.” He was saying this as a quip to lighten up the mood, as if it was a minor troublesome task he could not be bothered with.

“Oh wow, that’s going to be a real feat to accomplish.” He looked at her with a raised eyebrow and smug face. “What’s that Mister Charmer? I can hear your inner voice saying oh no that’s the easy part, I’m such a catch …”

“Isn't that a fact, Milaya?” She shoved her hand in his face to erase his condescending smile, which only made him laugh.

“Tsk, you jest but I remember my old self. She’s an idiot in love with a bigger idiot. There’s a reason why I decided not to make myself known to her…” She remembered how stubborn and self centered her younger self could be. She held her next thought for a second and her smile had definitely vanished when she started again. “What about… your death? This also impacted me quite a lot… I’d rather make my peace with the fact that I’ll live eternally during nighttime.”

He pulled her against his chest, tucking her head in the crook of his neck and hugged her softly.

“I’m not dead right now, am I? I don’t think it’s a matter of what you experienced but how your mind and body can harmonize in a specific moment. Right now I do hope your mind finds me very much alive… Also, it’s all conjecture really. But we’ll figure it out in time, don’t worry. I’m not done with reading everything too.”

“Nerd.” She mocked. “But I’m happy you like the place.”

“It’s amazing! I really still can’t believe Baghra never told me about it. There are so many things here, it would take years to read it all. I’m lucky I had to be campaigning in the south so I could finally take a look at all this. My grandfather was a crazy bastard but he discovered so many…”

Alina kissed him in the neck which kind of shut him up. He might’ve loved his research, but there were some things he loved even more. To be fair they had not made it much farther than making out till now. Anything that went beyond that point was causing Alina some serious headache that immediately killed the mood. He had theorized it was because her physical body was so different from her mind representation, her brain couldn’t connect the dots. This didn’t stop them from enjoying hours of kissing and cuddling. And that’s how they spent their night that time too.

More seasons passed. Daylina was almost sixteen now and the day of her drafting was coming near, which was stressing Alina a lot. That night they were both just cuddling on his bed, in the Little Palace. Alina was to leave Keramzin the very next day and her anguish was peaking.

“It’s not such a big deal, Milaya. You’ve done it before, why are you so anxious about it?”

“You know why… I won’t be able to see you every night anymore. I’m gonna die of longing and boredom.”

Everytime Alina visited, she would get away from the dorm and find herself a quiet place in the orphanage before reaching for their tether. And it had been lucky because they actually realized once, after being found out by a younger child, that she was shining while connected with him. Now that she was going to be in the army, there would be no discreet place for her to do something like this anymore.

“I could make sure you get a tent for yourself…”

“Oh sure, that wouldn’t be suspicious at all. It's so sad you can’t be the one visiting me.”

Something else they had discovered. Alina was able to visit him because she had a piece of him still inside her, leftover of the stag collar in her other life. But Aleksander from this time had never experienced it, and had no piece of her to link them both.

“I wonder if I’ll even get the opportunity to use my light daily… Do you think I’m gonna end up wasting again if I don’t practice regularly enough?”

“I was actually going to suggest that you don't use your light at all for the next couple years…”

“What? You want me to waste?”

“In case you don’t recall, Idiot number one made a move on you before being drafted, last year. It was lucky it was you in charge at that time and not Daylina.”

Idiot number one was Malyen. There was no idiot number two, but he deserved the first spot anyway, hence the title.

“Urg… your point?” That incident was not a good memory. During winter she had more consciousness time, since the sun went down earlier. Had it not been for that, the stupid tracker and Daylina would’ve had their first tumble. Just the thought of it was enough to disgust her. She had almost killed Malyen then too, something she wasn’t supposed to do. It’s true that Daylina had grown much more beautiful this time, thanks to Alina regular training, and had caught the attention of the boy who had previously completely neglected her.

“Well there are a lot of boys in the army. And I don’t want them to find you cute and try their chances. At least in your original timeline you were all scrawny and ignored...”

“That’s so nice.” She said, pouting.

“Please, Milaya. I actually have a gift for you if you do agree with the idea.”

“The idea of not seeing you and not using my light at all, from tomorrow till the day I light up the Fold? What kind of gift do you think you have that is worth all that?”

Aleksander pulled her closer to him and covered her face with loving pecks.

“I promise you, you are going to adore it.”

After many more pleading and even more kisses, Alina ended up agreeing. She also didn’t trust Daylina to stay away from trouble on her own, especially now that spring was starting. After three days of waking up in a cart with other orphans on their way to Poliznaya, Alina finally got up one night in an army cot. There was a lot of animation in the huge tent, for most young soldiers were actually not sleeping yet, but what caught her attention immediately was the girl about her age that was sitting on the shakedown bed just next to her. She had beautiful fiery hair and the face of an angel, despite her slightly pretentious expression. She was busy reading some book but she raised her head in her direction when she saw her moving. Alina's mouth was agape, stunned to find her here.

“Genya?”

Genya blinked twice, kind of surprised by the call and the tone. And then she seemed to understand something.

“Hello, Miss Starkov, very nice to meet you! Well… it’s our first meeting isn’t it? You’re the… other one, right? Because, I’m a new training cartographer here, and my name is officially Ruby.”

Alina busted out laughing. So that was the promised surprise. And also a convenient way for him to make sure Daylina didn’t stray away. That smart man, really.

“Yes, yes, I’m the other one. I am so startled… or rather so happy to see you here.”

“Oh, I have a letter for you, from…” she whispered the next two words "...the General. And, hum, he only gave me some very minuscule details, so I’m confused as to how you know me exactly. But I guess I’ll learn all about it at some point…”

She handed over a letter sealed with black wax. Alina opened it to read the content immediately.

Enjoy your gift, Milaya.
I can’t wait to meet you in the flesh!
Eternal Love, A.

Forget about spending two boring years in the army, maybe this was going to be fun.

*** In the Flesh ***

Alina was waiting in line for food when she woke up. For years she had wondered how Daylina ever came to terms with suddenly losing consciousness and always forgetting how she got to bed and such. Genya had told her the girl just never realized anything was wrong at all. She had not pressed the issue anyway, for no one wanted her to notice something was weird with her mind. 

She left the line before getting to her turn, not feeling the need to be insulted by a soldier for her Shu heritage like she always was. Genya would probably be bringing her some food later anyway. She walked away while stretching herself out, her body ached everywhere these days, which was only normal after more than two full years of not using her light at all. She missed it, feeling that radiant part of herself, even more than she missed Aleksander, which was not little at all. But her wait was coming to an end soon, hopefully.

"Linka!" She heard the familiar voice of Ruby, well Genya, calling as she arrived next to her. The girl was out of breath. "I'm sorry, I got stuck with a stupid meeting…"

"That's alright, you don't have to run. Not like I have anything to do anyway." She answered affably. They had been in Kribirsk for a couple days already, and that time was so far off in her memory it was blurry, but every night was as boring as the previous one. She just knew the day was coming soon, that she would finally get to ride the skiff, use her light and see her lover.

"Girlfriend, I think you're not realizing which day this is. The General arrived at the camp this afternoon. For the Ultra Light departure, tomorrow morning."

Alina froze for a minute. Oh, that was it. It was finally that day. She had trouble believing it.

"He's… here? Right now?"

Genya smirked and caught her around the shoulders, taking her along to walk across the camp.

"I'd go as far as saying he's waiting for you, Linka." She said with a wink and Alina couldn’t keep her excitement.

They walked till they had reached the Second Army section and that’s where they actually fell on Malyen and Zoya, flirting. Alina couldn’t help but stop and tensed on her legs, looking at the two of them. She was lucky, living at night made it so she rarely had to meet with Idiot number one, as it was a challenge not to cut his throat everytime she did. But seeing him flirting with the Squaller, that triggered another level of ire. Malyen turned around with a bowl of grapes in his hands and both of them noticed Alina and Genya. Zoya looked perplexed, but Mal immediately came along stumbling.

“Alina! Why are you here?”

“Well I’m not here to flirt with Grisha, that's for sure.” She answered harshly. That was completely wrong actually. She was in fact on her way to flirt (well probably more) with one very specific Grisha. And she didn’t care that Mal was flirting or anything with anyone, she just dreamed of slaughtering them both. Regardless, it was a matter of pride.

“What? No, I was… I was getting you food. You tell her, Ruby.”

Alina scoffed because he had actually tried to seduce Genya the day they arrived at camp a few days earlier. That was until he realized she was his Keramzin Little Friend ’s best buddy. Genya moved in between the two of them to cut short of the conversation.

“We’ve been summoned to the Second Army commanding tent for cartography purposes, tracker. So we can’t stay anyway. Have fun with… your new friend.” 

Genya made a fake smile to Zoya who was moving forth, curious about this cartographer thing. And before any of them could question further she pulled Alina by the hand, walking purposely in the direction of the main tent.

“The audacity of the man really…” The tailor mumbled.

Alina was not listening anymore, had it not been for Genya’s presence, she would’ve definitely went to strike the Squaller. Which would’ve been unwise. Even now the itch was still strong to go back and just beat the girl down… Thankfully the sight of the black tent stretching before her suddenly took her every attention. But they didn’t walk there. Obviously, it would’ve been a problem for too many people to spot Alina before her official discovery, even in Grisha ranks. Only a handful among the most loyal men of Aleksander knew about the existence of Alina, and not even Genya, who she’d been basically living with for two years, had all the details. Genya led her to a smaller tent hidden behind the commanding area, where a grumpy Ivan was posted. At the sight of both girls, Ivan straightened himself and he didn’t question anything when Alina entered alone, leaving the Tailor outside with him.

The room was full of darkness, a very unnatural darkness to be honest. Immediately Alina knew it was shadows invoked by Aleksander that filled the air. She closed her eyes to call upon her light, finally, after such a long wait, and dissipated the night in the room. It didn’t feel just as satisfying as that time, when she’d awoken after coming back to the past, but it still felt pretty amazing. A pair of arms caught her by the waist from behind and pulled her back against the warm body of their owner. She couldn’t help but giggle.

“Hello, Milaya.” Said his soft voice at the shell of her ear before kissing her just below, on the pulsating point of her neck. 

She turned around to have a good look at him. It was so bizarre, to finally be in his arms for real, after almost eight years of only seeing each other through the tether, and another two long years of separation with nothing more than letters to keep them in touch. Bizarre yet the most natural thing in the world regardless. She moved to take his face in her hands and saw him leaning into her touch. He had just as much trouble believing this was finally happening than she had. Her voice was knotted with emotions when she answered.

“Hello, Sasha.”

They kissed gently at first, just trying to take in the sensation, so familiar yet so different of each other. There was no electricity caused by their tether, but a different tingling still, causing her skin to shiver even more. The kiss quickly turned more passionate as Aleksander probed her mouth open with his tongue, eager to taste her lips and mouth to the fullest. He picked her up and brought her to the bed that was set on the far side of the tent. Meanwhile, Alina’s hands weren't keeping it to herself, first fumbling through his hair, they were now fighting with the claps of his kefta, and saints, she was cursing inside her head as to why he had not removed a few layers before her arrival. They parted their mouth both panting.

“Sorry, I should’ve… Let me take care of it.” It was as if he was reading her thoughts and well maybe he was, they had shared a mind so often already.

He removed her hands from the hem of his clothes before expertly undressing himself in a few moves, keeping only his pants on. And Alina took the opportunity to remove her own chemise, toss her boots away and unbuckle her uniform trousers. Aleksander stopped for a moment, and looked at her so intensely it was as if he was trying to burn the sight of her in his mind.

“Solnishko, maybe we should… wait for when we’re back in the Little Palace?” The words he was saying didn’t match the want in his eyes, as he was slowly dragging them and his hand against her collarbone and down to her chest. “I wouldn’t want to ruin our first time together.” 

He forced himself to raise his gaze and meet her in the eyes. Alina smiled at him. As if she wanted to wait a minute more, ten years had already been a torture. What was she saying, the three hundred years before had been even worse.

“Don’t be silly, Sasha.” 

She pulled him to her, with another kiss, and after that none of them tried to stop anything.

Much later, probably a short time before dawn, feeling the chilly air of the incoming morning slowly filling the room, she buried her head deeper on his chest and pulled the blanket tighter around them. She didn’t want the night to be over already. Aleksander kissed her forehead.

“Do you really have to enter the Fold? We could just bring you back to the Little Palace differently…”

“We talked about this. That public discovery is gonna help flush out our enemies. Zlatan, the Conductor, the Apparat… And Daylina needs to discover her powers somehow. We’re just changing small things.”

“Still, I’m worried.”

“Genya will be with me won’t she?”

“Of course, I made your whole unit board the skiff. I would’ve told Zoya too, but I get you don’t want this. The girl might be salvageable, you know, she does have a great amount of power…”

Alina growled in his arms.

“Sasha, she insulted me, made my whole Little Palace life miserable, betrayed you, married a fucking Lantsov… and had me imprisoned for three fricken hundred years. How can you try to defend her? Is it because you have some kind of attraction for her?”

“What? No! What the hell, never!”

“You did sleep with her in the past…” She teased. She wasn’t really jealous, but it was adorable to see him deny it.

“I did not. And I can’t believe she would’ve been anything more than some bodily distraction to my other self either. The minute you have been in my life, Milaya, you have been the only one I can see that way. The only one I can see any way, really.” He was so apologetic, it was just adorable.

“Alright, alright. I believe you, love.” She said chuckling then she gave him a sweet kiss on the beard. “So we keep up with the plan. And once Daylina hates her too, we’ll get rid of Queen Zoya.”

“Of course, she’s all yours. Hurt her, kill her, whatever heals your heart, Milaya. Hell, feel free to kill the ones that dare step on your feet, I will support it.”

“Awww, my Darkling is so romantic. Ready to let me murder his men, if I fancy it.”

“Anything for you, moya Koroleva.”

The conversation was ominous but really none of them were the type to kill people, well Grisha at least, senselessly. However, based on Alina's knowledge, they had a shortlist of future traitors to get rid of, along with the other people Alina wanted revenge against. 

The subject changed and they both kissed some more and chuckled together like idiots, just enjoying to the fullest the short moment they’d been graced with. Unfortunately it didn't take long for Genya’s voice to be heard from the outside.

“It’s almost morning, Linka! We need to go back. You’ll finish that map later!”

That code was so not subtle it made her laugh again. But they ended up getting up and dressing themselves back. Before she left, Aleksander pulled her to him and taking her head into both his hands he gave her one last passionate kiss.

“Be careful, Milaya. And I’ll be eagerly waiting for you tonight.”

She smiled back at him.

“Don’t fall too hard for Daylina, Sasha.” And she left with a wink.

Chapter Text

*** Life in the Little Palace ***

“Don’t fall too hard for Daylina, Sasha.” And in her voice, despite the wink, he heard the warning.

He wondered why she would be afraid of that. She was his world, his all. A childish version of her had no chance to even make him flinch. Well that's what he thought anyway. But when he saw Daylina for the first time, skittish and scared, yet defiant, and in absolute awe for her own power, he kind of understood what some version of him, one that did not have the chance to know his most perfect Alina, could have seen in the girl. A potential that could be shaped to his needs, a blank slate he could use and make his. The desire for possession was quite strong, but he pushed it away. That story had been written once and it ended with his death and her pain. 

Anyhow, she paled in comparison with Alina, all bright, confident, and powerful. Dark too, he knew, though she hid it most of the time. And he understood that. She had fought, sacrificed her childhood love, banished the Fold, killed him, cut part of her soul with merzost…. All to be forsaken the minute they did not need her anymore, betrayed by the ones she loved and cared for. Pathetic mortals being graced by a goddess and deciding to fuck her up. She had darkness in her heart because of this, and it suited his own darkness. His mind jumped back to the innocent Daylina. Just for a second he thought of who she was and how he could be with her. Someone that could make him more human… No he didn't want that. The love between them was the only good they needed. They would be monsters together if that's what she wanted.

Life for Daylina was probably not so different from what Alina had experienced, the changes were considered only subtle. But all together it made her life much better.

First off was Genya, who wasn't by any account a Tailor, nor a spy. Apart from a very few handful of Grisha, no one really remembered the young ten years old redhead Grisha that had lived with them a decade ago. The Darkling had never gifted her to the Tsaritsa – what use would he have had of a spy when he knew the future – plus Alina had forbidden it and he could only agree considering she had been the most loyal of her friends. No, instead he had kept her hidden, an ace for future use. She had come in handy to support Alina during her time in the army training, just as she was handy now, existing as her friend Ruby who had been allowed to follow her in the Little Palace and had taken up the role of her private maid. That way Daylina wasn't alone, it helped with her integration and she had a small voice constantly talking good about Grisha next to her. And that way she was easily monitored too.

Malyen had been given the same offer, to Daylina’s knowledge, but had refused the offer to stay with his army pals. They still got to write to each other, and they did, almost daily. This was all lies of course. The tracker had been removed from the first army the minute he left the Fold, sent along with a group of elite Grisha to a post near Chernast. In time they would send him on the very special tracking mission they needed him for. Alina handled both communication artfully, writing letters to Mal, and answers to Daylina all by herself. For who better than her could coax the tracker to find the Stag for her and at the same time break Daylina's heart little by little, causing a wedge between her and the tracker.

Everyone was friendly within the second army with Daylina. No one was insulting her for Zoya had also been sent away, on a mission down in the south in her case. No one was pressuring her either, for Ivan and the others were always impeccably respectful with her. And it was only normal, for years Alina had been feeding them precious intel that had saved countless lives. Those in the general close circle knew of this and respected the Sun Summoner as one of their own. And others oblivious just followed their peers. 

The only pain that stayed the same was Baghra. The old hag needed to think she had some kind of control of the situation. And the only truth Aleksander had real trouble accepting was that his own mother would actively act for his demise. Alina had not pressed him on the subject, she knew this was difficult for him. She was ready to wait for a demonstration before acting any punishment.

The last thing, change, that was really staggering, was how much time Daylina spent with the General. He wasn't elated but Alina had insisted, saying they hadn't spent enough time together the first time and it would help. And well it’s not like it was so terrible to spend time with her. She was cute and naive and so easily swayed, but it made him uncomfortable somehow. They went horse riding two to three times a week, had lunch together half the other days, and he took her to see the Grishenka every Sunday afternoon for storytelling time, something about showing her his cutest side. And every night, without fail, he would see his Alina, she would ask some details about their meetings, give him pointers based on his answers and… there was always a little something in her voice that made him sad and guilty.

For while Daylina was thriving, Alina was on the contrary struggling to keep her flame alive. He could see it in her features every night, hear it in her tone. The last ten years, though obviously better than being imprisoned, had been taxing for her. She was after all in control of her own body only half of the time, and subjected to the whim of that other her the rest of it. And somehow maybe she had hoped this would change once they were finally reunited. Hoped that she would finally be getting her life back. But it didn’t. 

Even if they postponed important strategic meetings for the evenings, it wasn’t always possible. Even if Genya often stayed up she couldn’t miss her sleep every night. Actually at some point they all had to sleep, save for Alina. And at night options for activities were limited since they were trying to keep Alina's existence a secret to most, to prevent anyone from hinting anything to Daylina unwillingly. 

Oh, how he would've switched the world order to live at night and kept Daylina in a cell all day if he thought it would help. But he knew it wouldn't. Even if it needed to take hundreds of years, if Alina ever wanted to bridge the gap between her two personas, both needed to be free and nurtured. So they kept the act going and every minute she got with him ended up feeling like stolen time. 

Instead, Alina spent her nights planning and scheming and ruminating over things. Slowly dwindling as time passed, bored and lonely although she was surrounded by what and who she loved. And as time went on, more and more jealous… of herself.

That particular night, Alina was already working at his desk when he arrived. He'd been kept longer than usual by the Tsar, demanding a demonstration for the upcoming Winter Night. Nothing he wasn't already expecting. She looked gloomy and melancholic, it made his heart pinch. He went to her, to kiss her forehead softly, then sat down on the chair in front of the desk.

"Good evening, Milaya."

She responded with a half-hearted smile and carried on with whatever letter she was writing.

"What's this?" He asked, pointing at her work.

"News from Pekka Rollins. He's more than enchanted about the proposed arrangement. Says he'll have what we asked for ready by the Winter Fete." She finished her correspondence and folded the letter carefully into an envelope, before putting it away. Then she picked up another sheet of paper and started a new one. "How was your day?"

"Exhausting. Diplomats’ visits are always like that I guess. Also the Tsar officially asked for your performance at the Fete today."

"I meant with Daylina."

"Oh. Well… nothing special. We had lunch."

"She wore my black kefta today."

Aleksander blinked twice, looking at his love, still seemingly focused on whatever work she deemed important. That was a fact, yes. Daylina had worn the black kefta today. It wasn't a particularly exceptional sight, Alina wore the same kefta every night. She was wearing it right now as a matter of fact. But it was a first for her day self. The use of the possessive pronoun seemed off however.

"Yes, she did. Which means, I hope, that everything is going well. How do you know?"

Alina put her pen down, probably a bit more energetically than what she'd wanted. But she wasn't looking at him, and her face was slightly flushed. She got up to grab a glass of liquor.

"She started writing a diary a couple weeks ago. On Genya's recommendation. I read today's entry earlier."

"That's a good idea. It will definitely help monitoring her feelings for the tracker, the Grisha and me." Alina flinched. "You… don't look so happy about it?"

"No it's just… it's nothing. You're right, it's a good thing."

He got up and walked to her to bring her into his arms.

"Milaya, tell me what's wrong."

"It's silly really… she wrote about you and she seemed so… entranced. I got a little envious that she could be so light-hearted and carefree."

“What do you mean? I’m not entrancing to you?” he quipped with a light mood and it was enough to bring her smile back. “Just focus on the good alright? We’re almost at the Winter Fete and you’ll finally get to have the first part of your revenge, Milaya.” 

She nodded back to his words, a true smile back on her face.

“You’re right of course. I’m sorry it’s just… I’ve been feeling strangely blue and tired recently. But yes, the Winter Fete is coming and this is a great moment, where I'll be the one in control.”

The night went on with fine tuning the events that were set to happen during the celebration. Of course it was just a minor part of the plan, the crows not being very important on her revenge list. But it was at least enough to give her a short-term goal and fill her with a bit of excitement. Still Aleksander could feel some heaviness on her heart even when she left before dawn to get back to her own quarters.

*** Caged Birds ***

The biggest issue with the Winter Fete wasn’t dealing with Baghra or the assassins and kidnappers sent after her. It was dealing with Daylina herself. For the first time ever, her not having the slightest memory of an event happening at night would’ve been sure to cause a major issue. Or so Aleksander had initially thought but of course Alina had a simple solution to hit two birds in one stone.

When Alina woke up at sundown on that day, she was tied up and muffled in an empty room of the Little Palace. Immediately she burned down her links and removed her mouth cover before getting up and dusting herself off. It took less than a minute for the door to open and Aleksander to enter, followed by an oprichniki and Genya.

“I take it that everything went well?” she said, addressing the guard in gray.

“Yes, but I’m sorry if you have any bruises later, Miss Starkov. You put up quite a fight.” said the grumpy voice of Ivan that was tailored to look different.

Genya undid her tailoring before he removed his guard tunic to put back his own kefta. Meanwhile Aleksander was helping fix her hair and updating her on the event.

“We arrested the circus members and they’re all locked down in the dungeons for now. As well as that extra guard.”

They had simply decided to fake her kidnapping before the sun went down and the real events could happen. And were taking down the crow in advance by the same occasion. No reason to really risk anyone's life tonight.

“And your mother?”

“I’ve made sure to spill the tea about the stag in front of her lackey earlier. She’s probably getting a report right now. Though…”

His voice was hesitant of course. Even admitting that his mother had spies hidden within his guard’s ranks wasn’t enough to convince him it was for foul play. Sadly she knew he would be disproved soon enough, and it didn’t make her happy in any way. No matter her hatred for the old crone, she would’ve been okay with forgiving if it could spare her love the pain of betrayal.

“I know.” Alina turned around and gently stroked his cheek, resisting the urge to give him a kiss. “I swear, I do hope the evening goes differently than planned.”

Aleksander smiled weakly back at her, understanding as ever, and for once… she did feel herself lucky compared to Daylina. No matter the future, the girl would never get to experience those moments of trust and complete faith he was giving her daily. Those were just for her to forever treasure.

Genya coughed loudly, interrupting their moment.

“If you want to be done in time for the demonstration I suggest you move.”

Alina walked throughout the dark corridors leading to the Little Palace dungeons, Aleksander and Ivan on her heels. When they entered the dark cell she found Fedyor and Fruzsi – one of the special unit grisha that was aware of her existence – watching over four prisoners, sitting each safely bound on a chair with a bag over their head.

Alina went on and removed their head covers to see their faces. The first, she'd never technically seen him, but she knew who he was: The Conductor. The three others she recognized right away: Kaz Brekker, Jesper Fahey and Inej Ghafa, the current members of The Crows.

"Are they the ones, love?" Aleksander asked softly, sensing how she was already edgy seeing their faces. She nodded.

"Part of them, but yes."

"I don't know who you think we are but I assure you, you are mistaken." stated the leader, always so calm. 

She looked at Kaz with affable eyes and gave him a small sardonic smile. Then she turned to the conductor.

"Let's start with you."

She walked to the table where their personal effects had been laid out, spotted the large army type knife that didn't fit Inej's style, and picked it up.

"No, I haven't done anything wrong. I was just following them, I…"

"Save your breath, Conductor. We know exactly who you are."

"What? No, I…"

"Stop me when I'm wrong then. Arken Visser, kerch smuggler using the nickname Conductor. Specializing in smuggling Grisha out of our palace." She could feel the General in her back curling his fists in anger, the room seemed darker already.

"No… I deal in legal indentures. I don’t mess with Grisha…" He tried contesting but she didn't care about his words.

"Crosses the Fold quite regularly on a flimsy contraption he thinks is a train. Which has been destroyed now, by the way."

The conductor was now pale as a ghost, for she knew way more than he thought. The other crows were all tense, focusing on the conversation.

"Last but not least… Has been hired by General Zlatan, to kill me, the Sun Summoner."

Jesper and Inej gasped at the sentence, while Kaz stayed as composed as ever to the untrained eye. Arken was silent, mouth agape. Kirigan shadows had been seeping around the room slowly, to the point the floor almost looked like it was covered with an inch of darkness now.

"I've always wondered… How much have you been offered for my head?" she asked squatting in front of him, the knife in her hand pricking the tip of her other hand's index.

"N... no I…"

"Oh come on, indulge me. Probably more than what you would've made for my kidnapping, by splitting with those three. Five hundred thousand?" He was rambling incoherently while shaking his head. "More than that, hum. One million? Ah yes, one million kruge just for you, that's enough to retire I guess."

"Just… give me half, no, a quarter of that, I’ll get revenge for you. I can get close to Zlatan." 

But Aleksander was the one to speak next.

"We can handle this ourselves." 

His voice was dark and acrimonious. She knew the hatred he held for the man that had dared remove his Grisha from their safe haven, and entice them to betray him and their kins. All to be then sold as slaves, betrayed in turn by their so-called savior. She couldn't watch it, got up and went to him, to unclench his fist in her hand, and brush her fingers on his face.

"Hush, love. He can’t arm us anymore." 

She murmured for him only to hear. He lowered himself so their forehead could touch and tried to compose himself again. She started glowing ever so slightly and the room brightened again, just a bit. She could hear their captives gasp at her display of light, still the remaining shadows made everyone but the two of them extremely concerned or uncomfortable, and the Conductor was clearly the one mostly affected.

"I can help! Tell me how I can help." 

Arken started babbling repeatedly. Alina moved back to the enemy, stifling her light again, till she was at the back of his chair, resting her hand on Arken’s shoulder and patting it to calm him down. Maybe he found it comforting somehow, or maybe he was losing hope but his voice started dying down.

"I have to tell you, they saw right through your plan.” She was referring to the three crows sitting just next to them, Kaz’s eyes narrowed down looking at her then. “You were getting caught regardless. And you wouldn't have succeeded… You were about to kill my double, a very close friend of mine at that.”

“I… I’m sorry.” He was sniffling.

“I'm pretty sure you intended to do it like this. From behind, knife on her neck." 

She moved according to her words, and placed the sharp edge of the knife against his throat. The man was still mumbling words, asking mercy. 

"And you would’ve said something embarrassing and superior while doing it, like General Zlatan sends his regards ." 

Alina looked at Aleksander from where she stood and his eyes were cold and full of vengefulness, looking at Arken. He met her own gaze and that’s when she pulled the knife along his neck to split it open, slaughtering him. 

Again, Jesper and Inej jumped and gasped, and even Kaz flinched ever so slightly. She dropped the knife to the ground and walked back to Aleksander, as the conductor stood there slowly convulsing while his life came to an end. Blood had splattered on her hands and she found herself trembling, but Aleksander embraced her tightly. It was the very first kill she'd ever made in this life… so different from the first kill in her previous life, when she had killed the man currently holding her in his arms.

"You did well, Milaya. He deserved this. For Marie." His words were a balm, strengthening her resolve. 

Ivan came forth to drag the chair and lifeless body away.

"We have yet to do anything wrong, contrary to the Conductor." Kaz had probably sensed it was the only moment he would get to bargain for their life. "And as you said, we were about to flush him out. We can just be on our way and you'll never see us again."

Alina took a deep breath then turned to him, still tucked in the Darkling’s arms.

"That seems a bit weak of a bargain coming from you, mister Brekker."

His eyes twitched slightly when she said his name. And for a moment he stood perfectly still, calculating.

"We were hired to kidnap a fake Saint. And seeing what you just did that's not what you are. Plus, this is not the line of work we normally do. We didn’t hurt anyone. You’re… still very much alive and with your loved ones. We would like to be the same. That's all I'm saying." 

He was trying to play on her feelings. Audacious. For what could a Saint be if not merciful?

"But do you even have a loved one, Kaz Brekker?" Her sight briefly moved to Inej who had been quite tense from earlier already. "How about a deal? I know you're fond of them."

"I'm listening."

Alina leaned her back a bit more on the chest of the Darkling. Then she signed at Fruszi to untie him which she did. He looked at her with perplexity but determination. Jesper was holding his breath expectantly but Inej was now staring at Kaz worryingly.

"You remove your gloves, take her head into your hands and passionately kiss your lovely Inej in front of us now. And I'll let you three go unarmed."

“What? That’s all?” Jesper mouthed loudly, as if he was suddenly relieved. But neither Inej nor Kaz seemed anywhere near relief.

“Do I have your word? You, or any other member of the second army, will not attempt to keep us here or arm us?” Kaz Brekker, always so precise with the contracts. 

The Darkling was the one who answered.

“If the Sun Summoner says you’re free to go, her word is our command.” He kissed the back of her head sensing the smile that sentence had brought to her lips.

Kaz removed his gloves, and he was already trembling with anxiety. He got up and went to face Inej who was still focused on his face, eyes wide with apprehension. Very slowly he raised his hand to her face but you could see him shaking throughout his body.

“Oh come on… We don’t have all night… You know she’s gonna die if you don’t do it, right? The three of you are going to die.” Alina commented sarcastically.

Yet the crow leader was still unable to move forward. After almost a minute of waiting, Inej herself gave up and decided to lower her eyes to the ground.

“Alright, that’s enough.” announced Aleksander, and Fruszi came back to grab him and tie him again. 

He let himself go without fighting, utterly defeated by his own mind.

“Poor Inej. I never understood what you saw in the man.”

“Yes, me neither…” Inej mumbled back. 

Alina looked at her with a piercing stare. She didn’t hate Inej that much. She was probably the only crow that had always been more faithful to her than to her peers.

“Fedyor, please take Miss Ghafa to the next cell for now, while we deal with her disappointing friends.” 

She was definitely going to speak with the girl before doing anything else. After all, she was the only one that was not beyond redemption. Jesper screamed and protested but the others didn't pipe a word while Fedyor led her away.

“Mister Brekker, you’ll be happy to know you’re not dying here today. I actually struck a deal with a friend of yours, a certain Pekka Rollins. I’m sure you’re familiar with the name. So you’re going back to Ketterdam. In exchange he procured for us two lovely ladies from Novokribirsk.”

The mention of his archenemy was enough to snape him back from his despair and he started pulling on restraints and losing his cool.

"How do you even know any of all this, you crazy bitch? I'm gonna get away and I'll come get my revenge from you too, you fu…"

He started screaming in agony as Aleksander had just invoked a Shadow Cut and severed his valid leg in two at the knee.

"Don't you dare insult my beloved, gutter rat."

Before he bled to death, Ivan came forth with a torch to cauterize the wound, which only made him hurl more from the pain. Jesper was just too stun to scream now, frozen in terror at the reality happening in front of him. It was quite clear that till this moment he thought they would manage some kind of twist and make it all out unscathed. 

They let Kaz writhe in pain for a little while before she turned to the remaining crow she had to deal with.

“Last one, the traitor Durast.”

Jesper took a moment to understand she was talking about him.

“I’m not… What are you talking about? I’m not a Durast, I'm just a gambling addict and charming sharpshooter. You got the wrong person.”

“Oh little rabbit, I wonder what your mother would say today, hearing you deny yourself like that.”

Genya had told her so many things about the lives of all her “friends” during the years she spent in prison, they had to speak about something after all. And somehow, Alina remembered, etched the words in a corner of her mind, trying to turn them around to know what she could’ve done differently so that even one of them would show her mercy if she was given the chance. Who would’ve thought she would use it like that, certainly not the aghast Jesper looking at her in complete stupefaction.

“Well she did choose that little girl over you in the end. Maybe she didn’t love you that much.”

“Sh…shut up! You don’t know anything about me…”

Alina made a nod to Fruzsi who came to face Jesper and pulled away his rings before ripping his buttons out one after the other.

“What… What are you doing?”

“Did you know that in another time and place, you used your buttons to cut off the fingers of our friend here."

Fruzsi handed her the handful of metallic pieces she’d taken off him and she invoked a small sun that shone brightly in her hands. In a few seconds, the ball of light blinded everyone in the room save for her and Aleksander, and the fire she’d summoned was so hot it melted the metal together, till it was but a burning scrap of fiery iron. Fruzsi put on an inferni glove, those made to protect their hands from the fire they invoked, and picked the piece back from her.

“What are you gonna do with this? What are you doing?”

His voice was shaking and definitely broke when the Tidemaker brought the makeshift blade to his fingers.

“I’m sorry to tell you Pekka Rolling didn’t care about the underlyings, so really we have no use for you. But I think it’s only fair for you to suffer the pain you inflicted to others.”

“Grisha die everyday to protect scums like you running away from their responsibilities, traitor.” spat Fruzsi as she started cutting his fingers one after the other.

Alina turned away when he started hurling. This one would bleed to death and it was unsightly. She had not an ounce of remorse of course. She… enjoyed the revenge but that didn't mean she had to enjoy the gruesome parts. Knowing that they were safe from the crows was all that mattered to her.

After a little moment, Aleksander pulled her by the shoulders and out of the room. Ivan and Fruzsi would take care of the rest. Once out of the room she took a deep breath, trying to erase the sight she’d just witnessed from her mind.

“You did this perfectly, Alya. I know it was difficult.” said Aleksander with a voice full of tenderness. “We still have time before the demonstration. You look like you could use a break.”

“No, I… I’d rather speak to Inej now. If I have to kill her too, I’d rather be done tonight. But thank you.”

He kissed the crown of her head and guided her across the corridor to another door where Fedyor had led Inej, far enough that she wouldn’t have heard the screams of her companions. The girl was sitting on a cot behind bars, looking as defeated as one could be. Aleksander pulled a chair for her to sit down then kissed her once more before leaving her alone with the wraith.

“Is it my turn to die now?” the young Suli whispered not looking at her.

“I’d rather not kill you actually. It’s not your fault you ended up following the wrong people.”

“You know nothing of m–”

Before she could finish, Alina made her body shine and lit up the room with another blinding light. Inej immediately looked up at her this time, eyes full of tears, torn between her faith and the loyalty to her friends.

“I know a lot of you, Inej Ghafa. About your life as an acrobat, with your father and his family. About that summer carnival where you were enslaved, your brother who was taken too and you wish so hard to find again.”

Inej was crying now. Of course she had just been betrayed by the love of her life and a Sun Summoner was shining before her eyes, spouting details of her life she’d never shared even with Kaz and Jesper. She got up and came closer to the steel bars separating them. Alina smiled calmly at her, making her light softer and less burning to the eyes.

“And I know about your mother who gave you that icon you’re wearing under your tunic. She was a faithful believer of mine. Like you’ve been all your life, you, the wraith that doesn’t kill. I don’t want you to die, I want you to join me, help me. Make this world better for everyone. One with no slaves, no orphans… and no criminals paid fortunes to kill Saints so that an inane war can happen.”

She kneeled in front of Alina, clutching around the necklace she wore. Alina felt a tinge of shame maybe, but erased it quickly. That girl had killed Pavel and Polina to protect Kaz once. If she needed to gaslight and manipulate her this time to use her, she would do it with no shame.

“Sankta Alina, I… I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I…”

“You wanted to be free, that’s quite understandable.”

“But how could you ever put your trust in me after that?”

“I told you, I know you Inej. Pledge on your faith and I’ll trust you. Pledge to help me make this world better, and protect me, for I will need it.”

Alina picked out of her pocket one of Inej’s knives she’d taken earlier during the confrontation with the other crows. The one she knew was dedicated to herself, and she handed it over to the young Suli through the bars. And of course this sealed the deal because no one knew the names of her knives saved for her. She had not told even her closest friends how she was already hoping for the Sun Summoner to be real.

“I pledge my life to you Sanka. To protect you and follow you till you release me of my oath or I succumb to death doing my duty.”

Alina breathed out and let the light die again. This part was over at least and she’d hopefully gain a precious soldier to do her bidding. She got up and readied herself for leaving.

“I'm sure you understand that I can't let you out of here for tonight. But I'll ask moy soverenyi to make it happen shortly. Be sure you’ll be treated well in the meantime.”

Inej didn’t pipe a word back and stayed prostrated till she had left.

*** The Fete ***

All in all the main part of the Winter Fete in itself happened quite similarly to what she remembered. After getting themselves cleaned and changed into their ceremonial kefta, they entered the main ballroom together and greeted the royalty briefly before going on with Alina’s demonstration. 

It was just a small and timid demonstration to be honest, much less impressive than the one she’d done initially in her previous life, but they didn’t need to gather alliances or whatnot with the nobles this time. It was more important that they’d be able to tell Daylina it was a trick done by her double so she could believe in the whole story. They had already planned a full demonstration within the Little Palace members only for Daylina to perform on a later date. Regardless, many fell to their knees in front of her after the show, and Alina had to suffer the same boring hour of conversing with diplomats and dignitaries. And despite what she’d hoped, they didn’t get a chance this time either to share a dance in the ballroom, which she’d kind of regretted having missed on her first time already.

Already the time came forth to leave for the war room and Alina was also glad to get a short respite alone with her beloved. Aleksander went to light the place while she walked to the secret passage to unlock it, something he’d put in place as soon as he’d learned his mother used those tunnels to her own devices.

“I’m just realizing now that this is the appearance you chose to use when you started visiting me through the tether.” he commented before joining her next to the war table.

Alina grinned widely, actually happy he had realized it.

“Well it is a memory I’m quite fond of.”

“A memory we can finally share?”

She chuckled as he caught her waist to pull her closer and started pecking her face gently. And it’s true she was happy he was getting to experience it too, even if it was slightly different, but then it brought back to her mind the fact that Daylina on her side was completely missing those moments and her joyous face faded slowly. Aleksander definitely felt the change of mood because he moved back a bit to brush her face with his fingers.

“Alya?”

“Just another thing Daylina will never know about…”

“We talked about this, love. It’s not memories that are important, it’s the feelings. Ultimately if you remember something she will too.”

“Allegedly.” she pointed out.

This was all pure conjecture after all. Deductions they’d made after reading pages and pages of experimentation made by a crazy fabricator about a thousand years ago. For all she knew, she would spend the rest of eternity living in the dark. Aleksander sighed and she felt guilty for displaying her moodiness on such a day where he was doing his very best so everything would happen in accordance with her wishes.

“I’m sorry, don’t pay me any attention. It’s just the stress of the evening finally showing up.”

He kissed her cheek, eye and temple then hugged her closely against his heart.

“I’ll never not pay attention, Alina love. You’re my beloved, my Solnishko, moya dusha. And I understand, I really do. But please if you must believe anything, believe that I will not let you stay like this forever. I’ll move heaven and earth, create another Fold and tear through the Making if I must, but I will make you whole again.”

And again he showered her with small and delicious kisses, making her crying half in joy and half in misery. She didn’t want him to curse himself to cure her. If only things could be simpler. If only they had a real clue at how all this was working, then maybe she’d be able to rest her heart. But they were moving blindly, her desire for revenge the only drive forward for now, and even this was bound to get complicated very soon.

Once the crows and Baghra were dealt with, she harbored an indescribable hatred for people Daylina didn’t even know existed. Even with the few ideas they had, it was highly unlikely they’d manage to get Daylina to feel the same for Zoya and Nikolai as to what she felt after being betrayed and imprisoned for three hundred years. Even getting Daylina to loathe Malyen the same as she did was bound to be quite complicated.

Alina forced herself to bury those negative feelings deep inside her, hoping Aleksander wouldn’t notice them lingering.

“Let’s get back to this fond memory of yours, love.” Aleksander murmured in her hair. “I’m counting on you to tell me what exactly happened last time?”

She laughed and moved back his chest to check his lips intensely.

“Well for once, we flirted quite a bit before kissing passionately.” She moved her eyes back on his then again on his lips just a couple times to make her point.

He copied her once, smirked, then bent down to catch her mouth hungrily. And even if they had kissed quite often in this lifetime it was each time just as magical. She could feel he was trying to erase her worries with his passion but she was all for it and she poured her own feeling of desire and lust for that man she adored more than the world to answer him. Quickly Aleksander picked her up and made her sit on the edge of the table, unknowingly mimicking her memory which only made her more ardent in turn. When they both couldn’t go longer without air, he moved back just a bit, with a smug and proud face.

“Flirting then kissing, check.” he said panting to catch his breath. “And then?”

“Then you asked me if I was sure of myself.” she whispered, just as out of breath obviously.

“And are you? Sure?” he was asking as if they weren’t already sleeping together every night or close to it.

She giggled and nodded at him, tugging at the lapel of his kefta to bring him back to the kissing part but he resisted.

“And after that?”

“After that… we got interrupted.”

“Oh. Well, we can make a new, better memory than that don’t you think?”

She nodded again and this time he let her pull him back into the kiss, before a loud knock on the door both made them jump. Ivan was perfectly on time. Alina and Aleksander looked at each other, holding their breath for a split second, and then burst out laughing like the two idiots in love they were.

“I see how it happened now.” Aleksander finally said as he let her go. “Such a shame…”

“We’ll catch up later. Now go before your mother shows up and decides we’re too cute to break up and she wants grandchildren.”

“Now this is even less believable than what is about to happen. And scary to imagine.” He gave her a quick peck. “I’ll see you right away.” And then he left to join Ivan at the door and get to the tunnels through another entrance.

Alina watched him leave with amusement, then took a few deep respirations to get into her character. About five minutes after she’d been left alone, Baghra opened the trap door and appeared.

“Come with me.” she ordered. “No time to dawdle, quick.”

Alina forced herself to look surprised but couldn’t get words out of herself, afraid she’d break her mask too soon. She wasn’t an actress and still held a lot of resentment toward the old woman she had not seen in centuries. The one that had messed up her life to start with.

“You have to leave this place. I’m trying to save you from living the rest of your life as a slave.”

They walked down a few stairs before she gathered enough courage to speak back. 

“A slave? Surely you’re making this into something bigger than it is. Whatever is happening we should find Aleksander, he will help.”

“I’m trying to save you from Aleksander, girl. He intends to expand the Fold and use it as a weapon. That’s what he created it for in the first place.”

Same words, same lies, same foolishness. She felt her heart breaking for she knew Aleksander was somewhere near and their voices resonated in those tunnels anyway. There was no way he could miss any of it.

“The black heretic created the fold. Hundred of years ago and it was a mistake. Don’t you know about history, Baghra?” 

It was probably her voice that was much too calm and unsurprised for the conversation but Baghra stopped to inspect her for a second.

“You have something… different. Bring out your light girl.”

“Why?”

“So I’m sure you’re not one of his puppets tailored to look like her.”

Alina scoffed and invoked a small ball of light in the palm of her hand.

“How can you be so paranoid toward him? Aleksander, the General, he…” she managed to hold on to the end of her sentence. He was her son and she spoke of him as if he was the devil personified. “He only wants me to get stronger so I can destroy the Fold.”

“Does he? Or does he want you distracted and dependent on him?” Her doubts had disappeared and she was back to the spite of the old hateful lady she remembered as they continued down the corridors.

“Of course not.”

“Child. Aleksander is the Black Heretic. He chose a new name after he made the Fold.”

“Right…”

“Look at me girl!” 

She stopped and waved her hands, thinking her little shadowy show would amount to something. Well it had, once. On a much more naive version of her.

“My son tried creating his own army with merzost. He didn’t think about the people who lived there, what such power would do to them. Turned them into the twisted evil things that attacked you. I warned him there’d be a price…”

At least Alina didn’t have to force herself to look sad. If she wasn’t moved at all by Baghra’s words, she sure was knowing that Aleksander was near witnessing his own mother blaming him for every harsh decision she’d abandoned him to take on his own.

“That… happened centuries ago.”

“He’s had many names, served many kings, faked countless deaths, waiting for you.” She turned to uncover the old ugly portrait of him that was being kept down in this place. “With you at his command, he’ll be able to enter the Fold and weaponize it as he always planned. He’ll be unstoppable.”

Alina couldn’t hold on the conversation any longer, too scared she’d lose control of her nerves and cut that woman that dared call herself a mother.

“He’s had centuries to master lying to naive girls. Did he tell you how lonely he was? Give you a glimpse of the wounded boy? He isn’t a boy at all. He is eternal. And you never stood a chance. Do you think this was just about you? He’s been obsessed with powe–.”

“You’re his mother ! How can you speak of him like that?”

Baghra stopped her diatribe and looked at her again, surprised she’d dare interrupt her.

“It’s too late for him, but I thought I’d had more time to prepare you to fight hi–”

“For years … I told him the truth about you, but he wouldn’t believe it. Even till the very last minute he was so certain you could never betray him like this. But you’re just exactly as I remember. Heartless and cruel.”

Alina could feel her anger building up inside her, a rage she’d almost forgotten after centuries of wasting away and then a decade of almost bliss. The air around them started getting hotter, mirroring her feelings, but she had tears pricking her face more than the desire to cut right now. Baghra might not have heard correctly what she was saying just before but she sensed something was wrong and raised her hands, just too slowly.

Alina shot a burst of light towards her that sent her flying to the wall, and then Ivan was there, hearthrendering her into submission, as Aleksander also came out of the shadows that had concealed them till now. Alina wasn’t paying attention to Baghra anymore, all her senses turned to her dear Aleksander.

“Sasha…”

Aleksander threw a cold and hurt gaze at his mother but quickly looked away to her instead, a forced grin on his lips.

“I’m sorry, Solnishko. I didn’t want to believe you but I should’ve heed your warnings.”

“Oh no, don’t say that love.” 

She was by his side in the blink of an eye, taking his hands in hers, looking for any possible way she could to sooth his aching heart.

“I know. I know the fight you’ve put up all alone. The efforts and the pain no one helped you with. She doesn’t deserve your grievance, love.”

“Wh–what’s this… masquerade…?” Baghra managed to snarl as Ivan put her back on her knees, hands solidly bound in special manacles of David’s invention. “You’re not… who are you snake girl?”

“Don’t you dare insult her, mother . She’s not the one that just acted like a treacherous viper.” he spat back.

Alina briefly turned to look at the miserable woman again, disgust all over her face. And then she sent a few balls of light to illuminate the tunnel almost as brightly as if they were in broad daylight outside, or as she imagined that to be like actually.

“How is this possible?”

“It seems the Making works in ways even you don’t understand.”

“You… you used merzost. You fool, you will not know the price–”

“Oh fear not. I’m paying that price every day. Literally.”

“He only wants to use–”

“I followed your words once, don’t fret trying to convince me again.” Her attention was back to the shadow summoner she was holding next to her. “Now. Forget anything we talked about. Just… tell me what you want to do and we will. You don’t have to force yourself for something you’re not ready for.”

“It’s okay Alya. Don’t worry. We need this, to fight the rest of our enemies. But I’ll do it myself.”

She gripped his hands a little bit tighter for a few seconds, unwilling to let him sully himself with the blood of his own mother.

“Please, Alya.”

“Of… of course.”

Aleksander left her to face his mother still kneeling in the middle of the now brightly lit storage room, her hands lying, blocked, in front of her.

“Aleksander don’t…”

“All my life I only ever wanted for you to see, to understand. I always fought for Grisha’s freedom. Hoped for it.”

“It’s not hope foolish boy. It’s greed. You can’t–”

“Know that I loved you mother. Know that it wasn’t enough.”

And at the words he let out a shadow cut that hit both her wrists, separating her hands from her body. Baghra didn’t scream instantly, but when she did and the blood started gushing out of the wounds, Alina was quite certain it was heard throughout the whole palace. Aleksander raised another Cut but seeing her distorted on the floor, overwhelmed by pain, somehow stopped his hand.

“Lock her down in the dungeon out of my sight, I never want to see her again.”

“Should I get a healer for her wounds?” asked Ivan as he slowed the flow of blood so she wouldn't bleed completely on the floor.

“No need. She won’t die for so little. Let her suffer a bit.”

It was already very late into the night when they finally went back to Aleksander’s chambers. And despite all that had happened they both carried a taste of ash and blood on their tongues, acrid and much less satisfying than one driven by vengeance always imagines things will be.

They both cleaned up and laid down next to each other on the bed, tired more of the mind than the body. Even though she’d just taken care of several of her targets, Alina felt empty. She was maybe an inch closer to her full vengeance and was already feeling so weary of it. How peculiar that it was so draining now that she was enacting the plans she’d spent a decade preparing. And she was in no way closer to Daylina either and the perspective that she’d never manage to reconcile herself with the girl was even more dreadful and depressing.

Aleksander’s hand brushed away some strand of hair that was on her face.

“What are you thinking about with such a grim face?”

“It’s… not really funny killing people. Even when it’s very much deserved or needed.”

“I’m sorry you had to do it, love.”

“You’ve been doing what was needed for centuries all alone. It’s only fair that I take my share of the burden now.”

“I wish… we lived in a world where neither of us needed to. But I swear, we will. One day, sooner than later.”

“I know.”

They shared a sweet embrace and cuddled for a long moment, each finding peace of mind in the other’s warmth. Till she remembered how late it was and how busy tomorrow would be.

“Now sleep love. I’ll wake you up before dawn.”

She looked at his beautiful face full of hope while he slowly let himself drift into sleep. Greed had said Baghra, what a foolish old woman. She wished she could have even a tenth of his confidence in a brighter future. They were together but from her point of view nothing much had changed since her never ending imprisonment. Peace for the Grisha, peace for them, this was still something ethereal of a far off time she wasn’t sure she’d see in the light of day. Her thoughts were about to spiral back to the same never ending notions that plagued her mind everyday since she’d arrived at the little palace. Thoughts she’d noticed had worsened this past month, as if a lead screed had been added to the pile of things she needed to shoulder if she ever wanted to break free of her faith. But the sleepy voice of Aleksander pulled her away before she let herself slip too deep into the darkness of her own mind.

“I love you, Alina Starkov.”

“I love you too, Aleksander Morozova.”

Love. This at least they had. She held onto this hope till just before sunrise when she went back to her room and let Daylina back to the control of her existence.

*** Turning Point ***

For some time, things went back to normal in the Little Palace. Baghra had been officially put to arrest for attempted kidnapping and killing the Sun Summoner, to everyone's great surprise. Daylina had also been informed that Baghra and her lackey had been paid by General Zlatan of West Ravka and if the girl found it weird she didn’t speak about it.

Now that his mother was out of the picture, they sent word for the team dealing with Malyen to really start their search on the Stag, and since they had a good idea of its whereabouts already, it was bound to be found quite quickly. In the meantime, Aleksander decided to focus on his relationship with Daylina, hoping maybe it would comfort his beloved that they were making progress on mending her back into one piece.

He’d always been charming but kept a certain kind of distance between them. And now he had the excuses of that fake kidnapping to show more concern and be more direct in his approaches. Only this decision backfired for it actually sent his Alina into a new spiral of jealousy over herself that he had not anticipated.

Tonight's grievance was caused by the bouquet of flowers he’d sent to Daylina earlier that day. A bouquet of blue irises. They had been arguing about it for half an hour before Alina left to get to the bathroom, feeling unwell. He worried a little at this display of unusual bad health, but when she came back her eyes were filled with tears and he just forgot anything that wasn’t comforting her right now.

“You don’t understand, she’s so in love with you!”

He pulled her in his arms and kissed the crown of her head softly.

"You know I love you, Alya. And, we want this… we want her to love me like you love me. There is no reason to be jealous."

"It's not that. Not in that way.” She sighed, put her glass down and turned around to bury her face in his chest. “I’m… jealous of her getting to experience all this… having such a better time than what I ever had. You’re all flirting, giving her flowers, taking her out horse riding and having fine dinners… The cook only ever has pickled herring for me at this time of night. And… she gets to live things out in the sun while I’m just her shadow, hiding in the night.” She whispered. “I’m so tired of never seeing the Sun, love. I miss it. I miss… everything.” 

He held her tighter against him.

“I know it’s tough, darling girl, and you’re doing so much for her. But it won’t last forever I swear. However… you have to stop thinking of the two of you as different people, Milaya. You are Alina, all of you, day and night.”

“But we are different people…”

“You are the same people at different points in time, Alya. And what we need is for you two to feel like you’ve reached the same point, remember. If you keep… detaching yourself it will only make things worse.”

“Will we ever reach that? She has no reason to become the broken version of her that I am. You all take such good care of her.”

There was clear bitterness in her voice, and she moved away from his embrace to go back to her work.

“As soon as idiot number one finds the Stag, we’ll be getting rid of Zlatan and start working on Zoya. She’s already on the palace grounds and I’m sure it won’t take long for her to find you and start antagonizing Daylina. We are getting closer.”

He was trying to change the subject when he knew he should’ve comforted her more, but he had nothing to say to disprove her words, to his great displeasure, so it was the next best thing to do. She nodded back to his words, finally calmed down a bit, then went back to sit at the office.

“Yes… I guess you're right.” She answered with a weak smile and some resignation in her tone. “Go to bed, love. I’ll finish my correspondence and I’ll join you.”

Later in the night he tried comforting her with his body where his words had fallen short, but no amount of sweet kisses and embraces managed to dissipate her melancholy, and it was still hovering heavily in the air when he finally lost his mind to sleep. She didn’t wake him up when she left to go back to her room before sunrise.

*** Daylight ***

Alina was looking at herself in a wide mirror. There was nothing else around her but darkness. Just this strange mirror and her strange reflection looking intensely at her. Was it really her honestly? Sure she had the same face but her hair was much longer, almost touching the ground, disheveled and unkempt all around her. She was wearing rags too. Or… actually it wasn’t rags, it was just a very old, dirty and tousled gown that must have been beautiful once. She looked down to herself to confirm she was wearing her usual blue kefta and upon touching it her hair seemed just as neatly brushed as usual. Her reflection didn’t mirror her, rather she walked to close the gap between her and the glass and put her hand on the surface. Alina hesitated. Eventually she moved closer, curiosity taking over fear. The second she grazed the mirror it cracked under her touch. Just a small crack at first that suddenly spread throughout the whole surface, breaking into a myriad of little shards suspended into air. Both removed their hands and the mirror mend itself back in the flash of an eye.

“It’s no use… we’re just too different.” Said her voice in the emptiness. 

“What do you mean?”

“We can’t go on like this… it’s too taxing on our body.”

Alina woke up at her desk suddenly, covered in sweat and unable to forget the weird dream she just had. She got up, went to her bathroom and cleaned her face with fresh water then patted it dry with a clean towel. She then walked to her window, mind still in a daze and confused about how estranged her dream had felt like. Her suite had a clear view of the forest and the lake, a perfect place to admire dawn and dusk. It was pitch black outside, the darkest hour of the night, and then suddenly, like a burning fire ball emerging over the horizon, dawn brought forth the Sun. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with feelings of sorrow and anguish, though she didn’t understand why.

Ruby knocked on the door and entered the room, at the same time as usual.

“Good morning Sunshine! Did you have a good night?”

Alina chuckled at her friend.

“You do realize you tell me the exact same thing every day?” Ruby shrugged while opening the curtains, as if this was only normal. “Well as usual, I slept marvelously well. My favorite activity of the day, I’d say.”

“You mean you like sleeping more than you like horse riding with the General?”

Alina’s cheeks flushed red at the words and her eyes drifted to the bouquet of flowers proudly throning on her desk in a crystal vase.

“Okay, maybe my second favorite then.” She answered flustered.

“Ah, ah, I figured. Well you’ll be happy to know horse riding has been moved to this afternoon. Tomorrow he’s busy all day with the Tsar. But your handsome suitor found some time in his busy schedule for you today instead.”

“He’s not my suitor .”

“Excuse me my lady? I do remember you calling Mal a potential suitor at some point, and he never spent even a tenth of the efforts the General spends on you.You have to at least give him the title.”

“He's only nice to me because I’m a Sun Summoner, Ru. At best it’s political. I think we’re friends, that’s it.”

She didn’t think that. She saw him as much more that was certain. But it was impossible to think of herself worthy of the attention of such a man, and it was even more difficult to admit her inclinations to anyone that wasn’t her diary, even if it was her best friend. Ruby clicked her tongue, while preparing her clothes for the day.

“You are absolutely hopeless, girl. The man looks at you like you’re a star fallen from the sky. Do you even know how he turned the Little Palace upside down when they tried to kidnap you? And you think he only sees you as a friend and political pawn. I pity him.”

Alina pondered on her friend’s words. She wasn’t exactly certain what she said was true. He did look at her like that sometimes but… it didn’t seem to be meant for her. If that made anysense? But she wasn’t in the mood to argue and share those weird thoughts. She got dressed and hesitated between her blue and black kefta. No, blue was still better for everyday use. Though she would change later, before horse riding… After a short breakfast, Ruby had to leave her to go work. She was still a maid and had stuff to do during her day. But she found Marie and Nadia giggling on the training field quickly enough. They were watching a Squaller training with Ivan, though it didn’t look like much of a training, considering how she kept being thrown to the ground.

“What’s happening?”

“Hi Alina!” said both girls in unison.

“Just Queen Zoya getting her ass beaten. It’s quite satisfying to look at.” Added Nadia.

“Who?”

“Oh, true, she’s been away for a while so you probably never met her. Her name’s Zoya. And until a few months ago she acted like she was the queen of the Little Palace. Always so mean to everyone just because she’s a little strong…” Marie explained.

“And sucking up to the General. The girl had him in her target, eh, poor thing.”

Alina looked at the girl more closely, and she was familiar somehow. She remembered she was the girl manning the skiff that fateful day.

“So… you mean her and the General…?”

“Oh hell no!” They both answered together again.

“He never even spared her a glance, not that it deterred her from trying. He actually never looks at anyone from what I’ve seen.”

“Well anyone, except…” Nadia didn’t finish her sentence but coughed loudly looking at Alina. This made her turn red again. What was it with everyone today telling her the General had some kind of special affection for her.

“Anyway, why is she fighting Ivan?” Alina tried changing the subject. She kind of liked the heartreander. He was stern but always polite with her, and understanding of how challenging her experience must be. But she'd never seen him in training before. He had better things to do.

“Not sure, she just came back from her mission and refused the next one. Something like this. She said she’s not here to do menial tasks, so Ivan told her she’s here to obey orders as long as she’s a weakling. And it turned into this…”

“Which is very funny, cause obviously she’s stronger than most, but no one can actually beat Ivan. Real blow to her pretty pride.”

After about ten more minutes of constant blows and falls, the Squaller gave up and admitted her defeat. It was… entertaining to look at actually, though she felt a bit guilty for enjoying it. She had no qualm with the girl after all. But when Ivan left and the Squaller came to talk with them, all draped in some undeserved dignity, it didn’t take long for Alina to regret not seeing her beaten more.

“Oh I remember you, from Kribrisk… Our new pet Sun Summoner, is that it?”

“Zoya!”

“Chill out Marie! And is that not true? I’ve been away for six months, and even I know she spends more time flirting with the Darkling than practicing her small science. It’s a wonder she even managed to do something at the Winter Fete. Who would’ve guessed the man had such poor taste.”

Alina kept her lips shut about the fact that her demonstration had not been fabulous because it wasn’t her. Having been kidnapped was a strongly kept secret, and she didn’t want to give an opening to be mocked.

"I heard he had the taste not to look at you." Alina still struck back. Zoya's condescending smile disappeared immediately.

"Unlike your friend the tracker. We had a very nice time that night. Tell him hi from me."

And as Alina was still wondering what she was talking about, the girl left the grounds. What a bitch.

The day went on as usual. She barely ate lunch, feelling too nauseated for once, probably due to the anticipation of her afternoon ride. After that she went to change and got down to the front gate where she was meeting with Kirigan. She spotted him, waiting by the horses and couldn't help but stop in her tracks and observe him before actually stepping out. It always struck her how handsome the Shadow Summoner was. Not to mention he was smart, noble, powerful. Really out of her league, despite what everyone said. Today though, there was a little something in his face, she couldn't quite put her finger on. Sorrow. Yes, that seemed to fit. Maybe it was just because as a General he always had to be worried about things. It wasn’t like she could ask him. She got out and when he saw her, the smile he gave her was heartwarming and radiant, though still with a hint of melancholy maybe. He took her hand to kiss its back.

"Good afternoon, Alina. Thank you for arranging your schedule for me."

"Oh, I mean you're the one who has a busy schedule, Sir. Thank you for taking the time for this ride with me." She was sure her face must’ve been beet red upon answering him. He narrowed his eyes slightly, before leading her to her horse and helping her mount.

"Well, those rides are the joys of my week. And I don't really have time to see those fellows apart from that."

He pet her horse briefly then went to his own steed. Alina could tell he loved horses, but the sentence did seem to have a different meaning. Maybe he did have some feelings for her…

They had an hour of fun, out in the field then the forest and Alina could swear half of the time was spent, for the both of them, trying to steal glances of each other. When they stopped by the fountain, as they often did during their rides, she was feeling inexplicably brazen.

Alina had never really cared for boys. Mal was a childhood crush but really only a friend now. And other boys… Well Ruby attracted them like moths in the army and they made her life a nightmare, so Alina never saw them as something very appealing. But the General… he was something else. She had fallen for him there was no denying it, but exposing her feelings and getting rejected was so scary she’d not dared yet. Her rational brain told her it was just a matter of powers, sun versus shadows. He saw the balance in them and was attracted to that. Not to mention the political implications of being a living Saint, and the fact that she could rid the country of the Fold. But her heart fluttered nonetheless at each gaze. Behind the title and responsibilities, he genuinely cared for the Grisha. Genuinely cared for her. He never pressured her, and always focused on her well-being. And it's true, he did look at her in a way… Well some way no one had done before. Sometimes it was as if she was precious and frail, someone he had to make sure not to break. Sometimes it was as if he was waiting for something from her. And sometimes, he was looking at her with unmistakable love in his eyes, only not really at her . That didn't make sense but that was the feeling she had. Today that's how he was looking at her, with this hint of sorrow added into it. And she wanted him to look at the real her instead.

He leaned on the fountain while they were talking of the upcoming demonstration she was to do to the Second Army to make up for the one missed. And she wasn't exactly listening anymore.

"Alina?"

Her eyes left his lips to meet his gaze upon hearing her name, and suddenly she moved closer, leaned on him and kissed him. She closed her eyes, appreciated the softness of the contact, the heat it was generating inside her, his somewhat timid response. When she moved away to look at him, he looked a bit stunned, but not angry or disgusted so at least there was that. A flash passed behind her eyes and a voice resonated in her mind. 

"Not many people surprise me, Miss Starkov."

She flinched and pushed back to move away, only for her hands to be caught by his and kept on his chest.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me, Sir. I…"

"Aleksander." She looked at his face again and he was flustered a bit, which was a curious sight coming from a man like him. "Please… call me Aleksander."

She held her breath as he was the one this time to close the distance between them, and they kissed anew. And oh it still wasn't a passionate and full of desire exchange, but the yearning was palpable and she felt seen for the first time.

Later that day, she went back to her room, still emotionally shaken by what she'd dare do and how it had been received. There had been nothing more than those two kisses but her lips were still burning under the ghosting sensation. Oh she was so in love and… he loved her back to some extent at least. She sat down at her desk, as dusk was slowly falling on the horizon, and picked her diary out to write about this incredible day. Only to find her marker on an entry she didn’t remember writing.

She started reading it again.

Ever since you've started that diary, I've been pondering… Maybe I should write one too? Leave a trace of myself that would see the light of the day.
I've put the thought away for a while but… I'm feeling pretty tired these days. So, here I am.

If you read those words, I need to tell you… Honestly, I think I hate you.
And I’m sorry about it.

Alright, maybe it’s not really hate.
There are people I hate, all for good reasons. You, I don't have any.
So I don’t know... Regret then? Jealousy? The fact that you’ll never get to understand me maybe. Not that I wish you would.
Not hate, but nothing very positive regardless. 

You on the other hand should probably hate me. Because of me, your life is a lie. I can only imagine how you'll feel when you find out.

Have I made your life better at least?
I think I did but when I read you, you seem just as unsure and hesitant as I once was. I guess nothing can beat experience when it comes to self confidence.
Believe me, I did all I could so you could have everything I never had. Everything that counts at least.

Please just know that those around you, they all lied because I've made them do it. They chose me over you because I met them before you. You had no chance, when you walked into this, the trap was already set. Genya, Fedyor, Ivan… don't hate them. 

Even Aleksander… He doesn't want to admit it to me, but I know him better than he thinks. And I know how much he enjoys those moments you spend together. You're the one that can make him a better man. And he wants to be a better man, no matter what he says. I don't blame him and I'm sorry for him. I robbed him of your Sun. I made sure to get his love before he even knew you existed. And I tried, so selfishly, to keep it all for myself. But I know better. You are the one meant to be his peace. I'm… just a weight pulling him down. Keeping him in the night.

I hope you could do something for me… You that I don't hate so much as I envy. Stay away from those who will hurt you. Zoya, Nikolai, Baghra, Malyen… especially Malyen… Some you can surely understand right away. Others, I know it's hard to comprehend. But know that I gave everything I had for them, and they left me to rot alone once they were done. All of them. I won't ask you to get revenge for me. But protect yourself, don't put your trust and heart in them.

Sunrise is almost here. 

I wish… Aleksander had taken me horse riding too once… It's been so long since I did. But his days are already so busy, I never asked. 

Tired. Such a weird feeling. I haven't slept once in the last decade. Rather, I have been the sleep. I guess I'll find my own rest now. 

I was a Sun Summoner of the night. How pathetic is that? I miss the Sun and 

The entry ended like that, quite abruptly, and Alina was crying somehow. She didn't really understand half of the words. It spoke about people she knew about, and others she didn't. About a truth she didn’t understand but that she felt she was about to uncover. She knew it was a message meant for her. Suddenly overwhelmed she put the diary away. Outside the sun had left the sky to make way for the night and she walked to the window and looked up to the stars that were shining above. It was a soothing sight, she wondered why she’d never taken the time before to look at them. She closed her eyes and tried to recenter herself and make sense of what she’d just read.

*** Realization ***

The whole day had been tiring. The Tsar and his inane requests, the unforeseen attack on their special northern expedition, the guilt about kissing back Daylina… Because yes he was feeling guilty about that second kiss… When he entered the vezda suite the only thing he wanted was to bury his head in the crook of her neck and try to finally relax. Alina was just there looking at the window, probably stargazing a little bit, he knew she liked that. He caught the love of his life in his arms and embraced her tightly, all while exhaling loudly onto the skin of her shoulder. Somehow he didn't notice right away how tense she was.

"I missed you so much today, Milaya."

This time he caught the flinch in her body, and how incredibly steady she seemed right now, not even breathing. He moved away and saw her cheeks were wet and her eyes seemed a bit… startled? He raised his hand to her face, to wipe the tears.

"What's wrong, Alya? Have you been crying?"

But she moved back a step away from his hand and he froze. Something was not right.

"Hum… I'm sorry. It's… I know we kissed earlier but…"

Oh right the diary he thought, of course she would be shaken a bit. He was after all.

"... It's just a bit too much. The hug, endearment and… coming into my room at night to start with…"

His heart stopped and he was the one to move back now. And he felt all the blood in his skin wash away, as an untold terror bundled in his stomach. She would never make such a joke right. Not because of a kiss. Oh but he had kissed her back. He'd… enjoyed it, the company of the sweet Daylina was always calming somehow, always light. A side of herself Alina so rarely showed.

"It's not… funny, really."

But the look in the girl’s eyes was not a joke. Her face was beet red and she was definitely extremely embarrassed right now. He took another few steps back, surely much too quickly to hide his panic, and bumped the chair over, which made her squeal in surprise. He glanced at the window and it was unmistakably night already, had been for at least a couple hours.

“Ale… Sir, are you alright?”

This was definitely Daylina. During the night. Where was Alina? Had there been some change today that could explain her absence? It was the first time in over ten years. Was this just a… temporary issue? Or… He didn’t even want to think about it. A knock on the door made them both jump and Daylina went to open the door.

“Alina, I have some…” Genya stopped talking, looking at Daylina still half crying and half embarrassed face, then at his probably overly pale and dreaded expression. “Is everything alright? Am I interrupting something?”

“No it’s okay, Ruby is it? I’m very sorry Miss Starkov I don’t know… what got into me. I’ll leave you with your friend.”

A quick glance at Genya’s drained of color face was enough to confirm she got the message. He walked out and away as fast as he could without looking weird, although dread was slowly filling his veins and anchoring itself in his heart. He slammed the door of his office and sat down before the fire, waiting. Once again, there was nothing else for him to do at the moment.

Genya arrived about two hours later, and entered the room after a quick knock. It was already late in the night. He was still sitting, hunched back in front of the fire, elbows on his knees and hands joined in a fist before his face, thoughts still decorticating every detail of their interaction earlier. And though he turned to the Tailor, heart pleading and face full of hope – he could not allow himself to feel otherwise – he knew Alina would’ve been with her if the news were good.

“She’s… sleeping. She was shocked about your intrusion but apart from that, it was just normal… Daylina. She said she was just having some insomnia earlier and… well anyway.” 

There was nothing for him to answer but he was sure Genya did not miss how white his knuckles were. She continued with a hazardous voice.

“I’ll take her to the healers tomorrow morning. Maybe it’s nothing… Maybe she caught something.”

“Grisha don’t fall sick, Genya. Alina woke up at sundown everyday for the last ten years. Why would it suddenly change?” 

He wasn’t looking at her anymore, his gaze back to the flames, and his voice was so soft, barely a whisper. Because he knew speaking louder would be giving too much reality to what was happening, and he couldn’t let himself break just yet. Just… not yet…

Genya picked up the diary and carefully ripped the sheet containing Alina’s message. She made sure there was no mark that showed a page was missing, then put the book away where she knew Daylina kept it. She folded the sheet and hid it away inside her tunic. Someone knocked twice before opening the door. It was Katya, the healer.

“You asked for me, G… Ruby?”

“Yes, our Sun Summoner was not feeling very well yesterday.” She glanced at the bathroom door, “As well as this morning I guess. I thought you could examine her and see if she’s all right?”

Katya was another Grisha that was in on the secret of the Little Palace and the existence of Alina, being the Darkling’s personal healer when he went away on campaigns and such. As Daylina got out of her bathroom it was true that apart from the absence of Alina, she did seem paler than usual. And she had been barely eating recently, always feeling nauseated.

“Really, I’m not feeling bad. It’s just a bit of insomnia and a stomach ache. Or just you know, being suddenly surprised in my room might have shocked me…” she muttered that last part almost to herself.

Katya asked her to sit down and examined her for a few minutes. And the look on the healer’s face told Genya quickly enough that something was indeed wrong. But when she spoke to Daylina she only made a wide and comforting smile.

“I can give you something for insomnia, but everything else seems fine. It’s not common for Grisha to fall sick to start with, the stomach ache is probably just stress. Take a day off!” She said with a wink.

“Thank you Katya. See, told you, Ru. And I’m all for a day with no training! Why don’t you take a day off with me, we could have fun?”

Genya forced a smile back to her face.

“I’m filling in for someone today, and I’m already late. You have some fun with your Grisha friends! Can I show you out, Katya? I also have some kind of health problem to discuss…”

The two women left Daylina to change herself and only once in the corridor, far away from spying ears did Katya's panicked face finally show out.

“What is it? Don’t tell me she is sick? There are only very few things Grisha can really catch and none of them are good news.”

“Why didn’t you call me at night? This is something I have to tell Alina. And the General. It’s gonna be a nightmare to care for…”

“Yes, well that is the problem. Alina did not wake up last night. It’s not just a stomach ache and insomnia or whatever… And whatever she has, if it can explain what is happening it can at least give us an angle to fix it. Now, go on, spill the beans. ”

Katya’s face was even more drained of color now.

“Wait, why do you have to tell Alina and the General? What is gonna be a nightmare?”

“Genya, the girl… she's pregnant!”

Genya just stopped functioning. It took her a minute and Katya repeating herself to understand the news.

“PREG…” she stopped herself from screaming, took a deep breath and started again in a whisper. There was no one around but she still needed to be careful.

“Pregnant? How is that possible? Don't you give her some kind of birth control?”

“I do. Every morning in her tea. But she's a patient of one kind you know. There is no way to tell how efficient it is since she never sleeps, amongst other weirdness. I told her to be careful.”

Genya started pacing in the corridor trying to clear her mind and pieces what she knew together. The message left by Alina in her diary did mention she was feeling tired… she must have felt the change somehow. It was actually… good news. There was a very clear reason why Alina had not awoken and it was most probably temporary. All they had to do was to rid her of the baby.

“I'm not doing that unless I have both parents' approval.” Katya said upon being queried.

“What? Why not?”

“Do you know how hard it is to start with, to become pregnant as a Grisha? And the stronger you are the worse it gets. Which is also why we didn't put that much attention on birth control.”

The Darkling had left early in the morning, after confirming it was still Daylina that was in control. So this had to wait. In the meantime she only had to make sure Daylina was feeling like her happy normal self, keep things as normal as possible.

“Alright, for now, you need to give her things to alleviate her symptoms. I guess she's having morning sickness, right? The Darkling will probably be back in a few days, a week or so.”

While she didn’t know what he had in mind it was certain it was about rushing their plans and reaching Alina, wherever she currently was. She… was somewhere after all wasn’t she? Katya wanted to add something but somehow didn't dare and ended up leaving her alone to her rumination. Everything was alright, this was good news, there was a logical reason to what was happening. She repeated the mantra to herself all day long, and at one point, started believing it.