Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sometimes it felt like the entire world was trying to fit you into a box, even the people in your own family who claimed to understand your struggles. Logan’s views of you influenced the views of your siblings, and by default the people who worked at Waystar. You were roughly three years younger than Shiv, the baby of the family and the only one who had yet to reach the ripe age of thirty. That didn’t change the fact that you were a grown adult who had received an education, more formal business training than Roman, and had started working at Waystar Royco when you were only halfway through college because Kendall needed someone to help him out.

Logan Roy seemed to still consider you a child. It’s hard for any parent to see their child become an adult, sometimes it can be difficult to comprehend, but he seems to have more difficulty acknowledging that you’re a grown woman than he does with Shiv. You never understood it, but him treating you like you were the baby made your siblings do the same. You weren’t as excluded as Connor, but your opinions were often pushed to the side just like his were. It wasn’t because you were an outsider, but because people refused to take you seriously.

In turn, the rest of the world had formed their views on you. Because you were the baby of the family, because you were still babied by Logan in their eyes, they saw you as pampered, spoiled. They saw all the Roy kids as rich, spoiled brats, but somehow you just seemed to get the worst of it until the fiasco with Kendall.

Up until that point you were just working with Kendall, his number two, his understudy. You didn’t mind it, you loved being around Kendall even if he could be a little weird sometimes. You liked being able to monitor him, watching how he worked while figuring out if some of his success was due, in part, to his usage of cocaine. Kendall never let you do cocaine, he felt like he needed to protect you from it.

When Kendall gave that press conference about your father everything changed. You had been the understudy for so long, it felt like you might have a chance at finally stepping into the lead role. But that was taken from you when, rather than being given a promotion, you were made the understudy for the understudy, and you were now working under Roman.

All this to say: You’ve become increasingly frustrated with the way that people view you. Whether it be the way that you’re treated like a child, or the way that people seem to think you’re incapable of forming educated decisions, that frustration has become a palpable feeling in your mind, like a virus spreading like wildfire throughout your body. You wanted to do something that made you feel free, something that made you feel like you were an adult. In reality, you are an adult, you know that. But sometimes, people’s views on you warp that.

With Kendall gone the crown fell on the heads of yourself, Roman and Shiv. You needed to make a play, and working under Roman meant that you were one of the orchestrators of the deal between Gojo and Waystar. Roman got you both into The Treehouse that night. His people skills and your business skills made it easy for the deal to begin to come to fruition, and it just helped a bit that Matsson seemed to like the both of you more than he seemed to like your father. Maybe he did like your father, maybe he was just in tune with reality enough to know that his days were fleeting. But it felt like this deal was yours, while it was a victory shared with Roman, it felt like it was something you both had won on your own.

Roman and yourself kept in contact with him after that, your contact was a bit more fleeting than Roman’s. Lukas would text you from time to time about the deal, things that he may have discussed while you were busy with something else, or something that he had discussed with his people and was just forwarding to you.

Everything about it was strictly business. Until it wasn’t.

Yesterday night you had arrived at your mother’s wedding. The time zone change was making it difficult for you to fall asleep at a respectable time because it felt like it was still early to you. Lukas called you around midnight, complaining about how he couldn’t sleep and sharing some updates on the business deal. But those updates didn’t last long, and the two of you ended up talking about yourselves. He was a strange person to be sure, but he managed to make you laugh. It felt like he saw you as a person, and not like some little girl that everyone else toted you around as.

There were a few implications in the things he said that you didn’t catch until later, a few things that made it seem like he may have wanted something less platonic with you. Things that you unconsciously agreed to. They were small, fleeting comments. But the big one was his invitation to come to his villa after your mothers wedding, or even the following day. He wanted to see you for whatever reason, and you both understood that reason had nothing to do with the deal. You agreed to it without really thinking about what you were getting yourself into.

It should have ended there. Two people flirting in the middle of the night, throwing around ideas and never really acting on them because it could jeopardize the business deal. But things went awry with the deal. Your father wanted to talk to Lukas, and he wanted to bring you and Roman along because it was your deal, you were both friends with Lukas and you were the ones that had fought for this to happen.

As the boat rushed through the water, the wind flowing over your face and through your hair, you felt yourself anxiously picking at your nails. Your father was focused on Roman, who had just been in trouble for sending nudes to Gerri (or… trying to). You, however, weren’t being given the lectures for the first time, though you were sure that was going to change on the way back.

If knowing that this deal could fall through right now wasn’t enough to cause anxiety, it didn’t help that you knew that you were going to go see the man who you had been flirting with the night prior. The entire thing was made much worse by the fact that you didn’t really have much time to change before you were being ushered onto a boat in the dress that you had been wearing. You almost always had a business suit on whenever you were taking care of company business, it made you feel unprofessional to be dressed how you were dressed. But that wasn’t the only reason you didn’t want to go like this, in fact, you were pretty sure it wasn’t even the main reason.

Since Lukas called you last night all you could really think about was him. The innocent thoughts about being friends, wondering if he was into gaming like he seemed like he probably would be, seemed to fade away when just one not-so-innocent thought crept in. It was one thought, one thing that was making you wonder what it would feel like to have him inside of you. That one seedling of a thought turned into a tree of fantasies, and now every time you checked your phone to see if he sent you a message you were considering the possibility of taking him as a lover. It was intoxicating, and it was an incredibly dangerous thing to be thinking about so consistently. So uncontrollably.

He’s been messaging you a bit, wanting to make sure you’re in the loop about the meeting that was set up by your father, unbeknownst to you. Maybe he didn’t even remember the things that the two of you talked about last night. Maybe the idea that he planted in your head was going to be eternally haunting for you, but be nothing more than a faded-up memory for him. Maybe, he only did this because he wanted to fuck with you to ruin the deal. You had no idea, and the more you thought about it, the more nervous that you were beginning to feel. It was when you started tapping your foot against the floor of the boat that you finally got the attention of your other two family members.

“Are you good?” Roman was the one to ask the question, his eyes narrowing in on you before he glanced over at the island. “Mom probably won’t even notice you’re gone.” When your father turned to stare at him, presumably a cold look, he merely shrugged. “You know I’m right.”

“It’s not that.” You answered. You didn’t care that much about the wedding, as cruel as it was to say about your own mother. She’d been absent in the other kids' lives, but you were the last to come out and the youngest when you left. You never really got to know her, you were more akin to Connor in that sense. “What if this falls through? If we don’t get this deal we don’t have a company.”

“That’s not entirely true. This is a good option, but it isn’t the only option.” Your father, the one who was leaving the wedding to go deal with this in the first place, was the one that seemed the most self-assured about it. But you didn’t fully trust his confidence, even if he had been running the company for a long enough time that he should know. You didn’t think he was one to comfort, but if your nerves were going to fuck up the meeting, he would be. It was conflicting, maybe you didn’t need this deal to go through to save the company, but a part of you believed that you did.

“Just keep that negativity out of it, okay sis?” Roman had been talking down to you a little bit since the Gerri incident. You knew that he was doing it to try and retain some sort of respect after the whole ordeal, and you really didn’t hold it against him. At the end of the day it was a business tactic, and he only did it when he was in front of his father. Otherwise, he acted the same way towards you that he always had. It was like he was grandstanding, in a sense. Throwing you under the bus for some kind of shallow approval.

“I’m going to weep on my hands and knees if he rejects us.” You responded, sarcasm laced in your voice as you glanced out into the water.

The thing was, you knew that Roman had some idea of what was bothering you. He had seen you interacting with Lukas when you first met him at Kendall's party, he'd made fun of you because he was positive that the man wanted to fuck you. Of course, you didn't pick anything like that up and just assumed that he was being a pervert. Roman could have been saying a lot worse than he was, but he was being subdued.

It was only a moment longer before you arrived, taking Roman’s offer to help you off of the boat as you did your best not to flash everyone else. Walking around in dresses wasn't something you weren't used to; you went to galas all the time. But outside? Not typically, not for more than a few seconds, at least. It was warm here, comfortable, but you felt yourself becoming a bit smaller as your eyes locked with Lukas’. He quickly averted them to your father, greeting him and welcoming him to his home like any good host would be. He knew you and Roman were coming, so he didn’t pay much attention to either of you as he spoke to your father instead.

From the day you were born, everyone knew that Logan Roy was always blunt and to the point, it came no surprise to you when he didn’t beat around the bush asking about the merger. Nothing right now was surprising, but as Lukas continued to bring the three of you further into his villa you couldn’t help but grow wary. None of the other siblings were going to know about what happened in this meeting unless the deal falls through, and his unwillingness to answer your father's questions made you worry about it. If he wanted to make the deal, why would he be so mysterious about the whole thing?

Following the two of them, you fell in line beside Roman. You weren’t fully sure why either of you were there if he was just going to handle things on his own, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t interject at some point later. As you listened to Lukas speak you felt yourself growing more worried. It felt like he was trying to let your father down easy, but he never took this type of thing lightly. You kept quiet, though, sitting down on one of the chairs that you were being offered as you kept your eyes mainly focused on the ground, or your freshly manicured nails.

That didn’t last long, though. The moment your brain began to piece together what Lukas was actually saying was the moment your eyes shot up to him. There was no way that he was going to propose that he buy Waystar, there was absolutely no way that your father (of all people) would ever let something like that happen, especially since he had just met Lukas. It was hard enough for him to give the company to one of his children, let alone giving it to someone who doesn’t even live in the country. Yet, as his eyes locked on yours and you shared the mutual understanding that you knew what he was going to say, you knew that you were right.

The moment those words came out of his mouth you were prepared for a fight, quite literally. You were pretty sure your father might get up and try to punch Lukas; but that never happened. He didn’t seem overly thrilled by the idea, or like he wanted to sell his company. But he wasn’t getting up and rushing for the boat, he wasn’t telling him to fuck off, he was listening to what he was saying. It was absolutely and utterly baffling.

Your eyes were locked on your father, bouncing your gaze between him and your brother for a moment. Roman was just as surprised as you were about this, but neither of you said anything. Not really. Roman was more willing to speak than you were, but you hadn’t talked this entire time. It wasn’t until Roman was asked to leave that you believed something serious might actually go down here. As you got up to leave with him, you were stopped.

“I want you to stay here, we haven’t heard enough of your thoughts.” You glanced down, sitting back in your seat without much question. Why would he want you to stay? You had been too nervous to speak the entire time that you were here, so why was he asking you to stay?

“Oh, okay.” You said, glancing around before looking over at Lukas. “If I’m going to stay, could you tell me how to get to the bathroom? I didn't realize we were going to be here for a while.” In reality, you just needed a moment to yourself. But, you weren't going to protest Lukas' offer to come with you, either.

“I can show you.” You felt like you were going to throw up right now. Everything was going a mile a minute, was he actually going to sell the company? Why were you being involved in this when the rest of your family was going to be back at the wedding? You followed Lukas as he accepted the phone from one of the people who worked for him, his hand on the small of your back as you let him guide you through the house.

To be honest, you didn’t really hear what he was saying on the phone. You were too preoccupied by his touch, by how low he had gotten with it. You wanted to be alone with him, and physically you were, but you weren’t alone with him in the sense that the two of you could actually talk about anything. Whether fortunately or unfortunately for your sake, that phone call wrapped up pretty quickly.

“Here’s one of the bathrooms. I have a few more.” You finally felt yourself snapping back to reality, glancing up at him as he looked at you. His hand hadn’t left your back, was he waiting for you to go into the bathroom? No, normally people just-

You never got to finish your thought as he leaned down, his lips attaching to yours as you quickly let your hand move up to his hair. He pushed you closer toward him, your body pressed flush against his as he deepened the kiss. You could feel his tongue against your lip, and you wanted nothing more than to be in any room other than the bathroom right now.

“I have another room I’d like to show you.” He said, pulling back as you tried to catch your breath. You glanced around, ensuring that you weren’t in sight of your father before looking back at him.

“Do we have enough time?”

“Not really, but I can make you cum quick enough.” Oh. Okay then.

“I’ll take that bet.”

Lukas took your hand and walked you to his room, shutting and locking the door behind him before he pulled his t-shirt up and over his head. You could hear the slight clang of his sunglasses falling onto the floor, but he didn’t mind it. You followed after him and undid the laces on your dress, letting it slip from your form before you slid the heels you were wearing off as well. There was an overall relief in removing the dress, the corset top falling from your body and allowing you to breathe. But that breath of fresh air was interrupted by the memory of what you were doing causing your breath to catch in your throat. You let him move closer to you, his warm body pressed against yours, intoxicated by him as he pressed another kiss to your lips. You didn’t have time for this, you knew that.

You were quick to remove his pants, letting him kick them off before he backed you against the bed. You let out a noise of surprise as he turned you around, helping you get onto the bed. You crawled up, letting him pull your hips up as your hands and knees pressed into the bed. You expected him to just push into you, get things going before your father sent someone to go looking for the two of you. But he didn’t.

The feeling of two fingers pressing against your clit sent you jolting back against him, his other hand moving to hold you in place. “Don’t squirm too much, we don’t have time today.”

Today? Was he implying that this was going to happen again? Oh, Hell, you still needed to have a conversation with him about what any of this meant. Just as you felt yourself gearing up to ask the question you felt him push those same two fingers from before inside of you, your face falling against the bed as any worries slipped from your mind.

Lukas started off slow and steady, and you couldn’t really tell if he was the kind of guy that barely did this kind of thing because it didn’t seem beneficial to him or if he did it all the time and wrote it off because it didn’t matter. You wanted to know, you wanted so many answers that you weren’t getting but every time you had a coherent thought he would twist or curl his fingers inside of you and you would forget anything that was going on inside of your brain.

His thumb joined his other fingers, pressing instead on your clit and causing you to let out a moan louder than the others. You didn’t know how quiet you needed to be, but his house was pretty large, and you doubted that anyone working there would tell your father (or anyone else) if they overheard anything. His body leaned over you, his lips pressed against the back of your neck as he brushed the hair away from it.

“Can I tell you something?” He was going to tell you whatever it was anyway, and you wanted to know. Weakly, you nodded as you leaned your head back against his shoulder.

His fingers brushed against that spot inside of you that made you writhe as you leaned back a bit. His body was pressed tightly against yours, and you could feel the hardness of his cock from beneath his boxers. He felt large, but that only made you start to tighten around him.

“I called you last night because I wanted to fuck you over the phone, but I wanted to hear those pretty moans in person first.” He said, pressing a light kiss to your neck as he quickened the pace of his fingers. “I just fucked my hand in silence, thinking about how badly I wished it was you.”

The thought of him getting off to you was enough to make you cum around his fingers, your head falling face first against the bed as your moans left your throat completely and utterly unrestrained. He pulled his fingers from you, holding up your hips with one arm as he looped his other arm around your body and pushed his fingers into your mouth. You raised your head to take them in, sucking the taste of yourself off of him while he pulled down the only remaining piece of fabric that kept him from being inside of you.

“I’m going to fuck you now, we’re going to be fucking quick about it before your father murders me.”

“Please don’t talk about my dad before you shove your dick in me.” You whined, turning back to face him and catching the smile on his lips. His smile was so pretty. Well. Everything about the man was beautiful, his eyes, the golden chest hair that had been peeking out from underneath his shirt and was now on full display. The man was a sight to behold, that was for sure. Probably why there was no shot he wasn’t going to be a huge risk for you from the beginning.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to dry you out there.” Clearly, he hadn’t, considering that he slid into you with ease a moment later. You both let out noises of satisfaction, your back arching against him as he set a pace that left your fingers digging into the blankets. He wasn’t kidding about being quick, but you’d already been away for far too long than was decent. There was a reason why you were asked to stay, and you were beginning to think that Lukas was giving you ‘fuck me eyes’ that you just weren’t catching while you were staring at your family members. If he had been, it would make sense that he would keep you there to keep him talking, but you doubted your father, as strict and controlling as he could often be, would approve of you sneaking off to get railed by the man who was trying to buy Waystar Royco when you were often seen as a ‘baby’.

No part of your brain was able to focus on anything other than him inside of you. His hands gripped your hips tightly, keeping you against him as your body was trying to squirm. You couldn’t help the way that his name fell from your lips every so often, nor could you help the way that you felt like you were going to have sore hands from how tightly you were gripping the blankets underneath them. But you didn’t want to, you liked feeling this out of control when you were with him.

Every worry left your mind as he leaned over you again, his body against yours as his lips trailed up your spine to your neck. “Please don’t leave a mark, I don’t have a coat.”

“Don’t worry sweetheart, I won’t.” He left much to be desired with that. It almost sounded like his words trailed off at the end there, like there was more to what he was saying. Whatever it was, you didn’t really find out as his lips continued their adventure over to your neck, reaching your jawline and punctuating it with a shallow bite. “You’re a little bit of a whore, you know that? Coming in here just to take my dick like that… what would you have done if that phone call went longer?”

“I don’t know, fucking you while you’re on the phone sounds kinda hot.” You responded, smiling as you felt his teeth graze your skin again.

“Maybe next time.” So there was going to be next time, that was reassuring. You finally turned back to press a kiss to his mouth, his lips capturing yours as he deepened it. He sped up as you tightened around him, a moan leaving his throat and exiting into your mouth.

You could feel his hands tighten around your hips, if anywhere were to be receiving a mark it would be there. But you didn’t mind that, nobody was going to see your hips anyway so you didn’t really have to worry about him leaving anything there. Still, the idea of it thrilled you. There was something so controversial about being with someone like him, someone who you knew was orchestrating a deal that could change your father’s life. You were making a decision to be with him completely on your own, and it felt fucking fantastic.

One of his hands moved over, squeezing the flesh of your ass into his hands as his lips left yours. “Did you think about me last night?”

“Fucking- Of course I did. This morning too.”

“What did you think about?”

He was really throwing you through a loop here. Your brain and body were so absorbed by the feeling of him pounding into you with reckless abandon that you could barely get a thought out, let alone detail what you were thinking. “Thought of you- thought of you bending me over and fucking me in my of-office. Uh- in here, on the plane, in- in my hotel room. I though-thought of you in my mouth.”

He grinned, his lips moving to your neck again before he placed a rough smack against your ass. You arched into him, your eyes squeezing shut as that hand that moved down to your clit, rubbing sloppy circles around it and bringing you to your second orgasm.

It was difficult to keep yourself from yelling out, his lips latching onto yours once again as you rode out your high. His thrusts grew sloppier before he pulled out and turned you onto your back. “Could you sit up for me?”

You listened and got onto your elbows, letting him shove his cock into your mouth, your hand covering the base of it as his fingers tangled into your hair.

“You wanted me in your mouth, and I’m inclined to give you what you want.” He trailed one of his hands over your cheek, the other tightening in your hair as he came into your mouth, warm liquid covering your tongue. You swallowed it along with the pooling spit in your mouth, letting him pull away from you after a moment.

Lukas brought you into the bathroom attached to his bedroom, both of you feeling the sense of urgency to get out of there as quickly and decently as possible. You cleaned up and fixed your stray hairs, ensuring that there were no visible marks around your neck before you went back into his room and got dressed.

“I’ll join you in a few minutes, wouldn’t want him to get suspicious.” He said, letting you walk closer to him as he slid his shirt back on, his sunglasses joining before he had his shoes on as well. He looked completely untouched, it made you want to do it all over again.

“Right- Uh- can I tell you something, actually?”

“What is it?” His hand cradled your cheek again, your eyes softening as you looked at him.

“I didn’t just think about fucking you, you know? I need… uh… friends who aren’t my siblings?”

“You’re free to visit whenever you want.” He was very straightforward with that, but you were growing to not expect anything different from him. “Actually, you should come back here instead of going home after the wedding.”

A smile covered your lips as you pressed a fleeting kiss against his hand before pulling back “Okay, okay. We’ve gotta make sure my dad doesn’t kill us first.”

You quickly rushed back outside, greeted by your father sitting on his phone and paying very little mind to where you had been. Lukas joined in a few moments later, apologizing for an extra long phone call before inviting you both in for food. You kept a close eye on the lingering glances that you both made when he wasn’t looking, but for the most part you kept a low profile about everything.

With the way things were, if anyone were to find out what was going on between the two of you it would be an absolute disaster. The media would get ahold of it incredibly quickly thanks to Tom, and considering that your father still treated you like you were a child he wouldn’t be very pleased by the thought of you running around with Lukas Matsson behind everyone’s back, especially because he was trying to buy the entire company.

But that was part of what made it so exciting. You had fought so hard to do something to prove your independence, to prove that you were capable of making adult choices. With everyone brushing your ideas and choices to the side, it felt freeing to have someone treat you like an equal and prove to you that you can make choices on your own free will. Being with Lukas felt like a sweet, sweet victory that you weren’t going to let go off. Plus, he was probably the most attractive person that you’d ever meet in the industry, and you did like his rather aloof demeanor… something about it enticed you more than the overly cocky tech-bros you usually met working in this industry. He was different. A different experience, a different person, and a chance at something completely new and personal to yourself.

So long as you kept it a secret for the time being.

Chapter Text

How could you even define the chaos that your life had been for the past week? It was crazy to think that eight days ago your biggest worry was why your father seemed to still look at you like you were a teenager instead of his almost thirty year old daughter. Now? Now everything was a mess, because for the first time in what felt like your entire life, your future was entirely in your own hands.

Following your bout of fun with Lukas, you had remained at his villa with your father for a little while longer; but while your father finished lunch and left to think, he asked you to return to the wedding. Of course, you would not be doing this. You didn’t know what to do. Any attempt to warn your siblings of what was coming would probably make your father hate you, and you wanted to imagine that Roman was going to tell them, or that he already had.

Returning to the wedding didn’t seem like a viable option either. Your father had mentioned something about Caroline before he left, something about needing to speak to her about this before anything else went through. If your mother was involved, you knew full well that none of you were going to be getting your due, and you knew that that wedding was going to be absolute chaos.

So, after about five minutes of deliberation with Lukas, he offered to let you use his jet home so your father wouldn’t need to give his approval. You knew your father wouldn’t give his approval for you to go back to New York when he expressly told you to go back to the wedding, so the offer was a Godsend. You went home about a half hour later, taking a moment to drink some herbal tea and think about what had happened.

Throughout it, you couldn’t help but feel like you should be more stressed about being associated with someone who was trying to buy your company, but he made you an offer you just couldn’t refuse. He offered you a seat, he offered to keep you off of the kill list because ‘what’s a company without a little favoritism’ and you couldn’t say no. You were never given more than an honorary seat, never given more than an assistant title, and for once you were being given an offer to not only not work under the thumb of dear old dad, but have some semblance of power. How could you say no?

Things only got more confusing once you got home. Kendall and Shiv called you quickly to tell you what happened with your father, to question if he had sent you any ominous text messages that might make you think you were about to be fucked over. You hadn’t, you weren’t there when they rained on his party. As far as you were concerned, he considered you to be completely uninvolved. Which, in essence, you were.

But that didn’t mean anything good was going to happen. Because the following day you were met with a choice: Either leave Waystar to help your siblings in their fight against your father, or remain and Waystar and become COO and have your father’s approval, the one thing that you wanted more than anything.

It’s been a week since your first meeting with Lukas, six days since you were given a decision, and you decided that it would be a perfect time to finally take up his offer (Albeit late) to fly over to Sweden and see him. Of course you said yes, throughout your past week of chaos the man had been texting and calling you non-stop. Half of the time you were away he was on FaceTime because he wanted to initiate phone sex with you, so were you ever really away from him?

Well, yes. You may have heard his moans, seen him while he was getting himself off, but you didn’t get to touch him, you didn’t get to be the one making him moan technically, you just got to watch. Most importantly, you didn’t get to feel him touching you and it was leaving you feeling absolutely parched.

So here you were, walking off of a jet and finding a car waiting for you. You hadn’t expected him to come meet you at the airport, but it still felt like you were being taunted with just how close yet out of reach he was. The car ride felt like it took three hours rather than fifteen minutes, and by the time you actually got to his house you were pretty much speed-walking and ignoring anything that you could possibly trip over because… did that really matter? Probably, but you didn’t trip so perhaps he just had a very maintained sidewalk.

“Are you running?” Lukas was in the doorway, watching as you froze about a foot in front of him.

“Power walking, trying to get my steps in.”

“Right.” He smiled regardless, moving backwards so you could walk in the doorway. He gave you very little time to acclimate to your surroundings before his finger was pressed against your chin, forcing you to look up at him as you slid off the raincoat that covered your body and put it on the coat rack. “Did you miss me?”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder… warmer? It- The heart does something. Fucking- Jesus, I’m trying to say yes.”

“Haven’t slept very much have you?”

“About ten hours in the last week.” You were absolutely exhausted, most of those ten hours had come while you were on the plane here. You were stressed about everything going on in your life, you just hoped that being on a completely different continent with someone fresh and new was going to make you feel a bit better.

“Do you want a nap before-” You didn’t really give him time to ask that question, because you absolutely did not want a nap before you got to touch him again. Your lips were on his in an instant, Lukas laughing against your mouth for only a moment before he kissed back.

The feeling of your hands gripping the strings on his hoodie made him pull you a bit closer, an arm wrapping around your back as your body pressed against his. Lukas moved almost awkwardly, he sort of had that hunched gamer stance when he moved, but you found it endearing how he shoved you to his living room like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

It couldn’t have been more than three minutes since you had walked into his house and here you were, falling back against his couch as he crawled on top of you. The moments where your lips broke apart were few and far in between. Maybe this had been his motivation with the phone calls he made to you, to make you so desperate for him that you would kiss him like you were addicted the moment you walked through the door. Maybe he had just been looking to blow off some steam, or saw phone sex as just an alternative.

Whatever the reason, your fingers were sliding under his hoodie the moment he was settled on top of you, and Lukas seemed to get the hint as he undid your belt and started pulling your pants down your hips. With a little help, you both worked to kick your shoes off and get your pants removed before you pushed his hoodie up and over his head.

“You really, really missed me?”

“So badly, I need you so badly. It’s felt like torture.” You answered, not bothering to beat around the bush as you removed your shirt from your torso. Lukas’s hands snaked around your back, unhooking your bra and allowing you to shimmy it down your body.

“We have more time now.”

“No time, can’t we do ‘more time’ later?” You asked, watching as he stood up to remove his pants. You seemed to be waiting with baited breath, but the moment he was about to lay back down you tugged him so he was sitting. Lukas didn’t stop you from climbing on top of him, your thighs on either side of his body as your face nearly crashed into his.

“Careful there.”

“Uh-huh. Sorry man, not like you just had your tongue down my throat or anything.” You replied, letting your hips fall so your clothed cunt was placed against his erection. “Had no idea you walked around commando.”

“Who wears underwear and sweatpants?” He had a good point, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t feel overdressed. Lukas seemed to be feeling it too as his fingers slid under the hem of your panties, shoving them down as you shimmied them down your legs and off onto the floor. “Are we going to fuck? Or are you just going to sit there looking pretty?”

“I’m great at looking pretty.” You commented, eyeing your hands as you lined the head of his cock up with your cunt. “But I really want you inside of me right now.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

Your pace on top of him was slow and steady, your hips moving up before slowly dropping back down. But Lukas was impatient, and he didn’t want to wait for you to figure out exactly what pace you wanted and how you were going to do this with him. He wanted to fuck, and he felt like he’d waited long enough to do so.

His hands fell onto your hips as he squeezed, stilling your movements. Your eyes locked on his, watching his lips twitch into the most discrete, almost unnoticeable, smile you had ever seen. Lukas didn’t waste anymore time before he back thrusting into you from below rather recklessly.

With you catching onto what he was doing you were able to subtly grind your hips into his, your hands falling onto his shoulders to keep yourself upright.

Though the quick pace of his movements had initially caught you off guard, the moment your body and mind fully comprehended them you fell quickly into the pleasure. You had been craving his touch for the better part of a week now, craving this distraction from the life that was constantly causing you so much stress. It felt like any bit of tension that you had felt leading up to this moment was evaporating from your body as you allowed yourself to truly get lost in him.

You leaned forward to capture his lips, though Lukas’ kiss was incredibly sloppy since he was mainly just focusing on fucking you from below. He still reciprocated, but the moment you parted from his lips he had them against your jawline, moving a bit lower.

With each inch his lips moved down his bites against your neck grew harder, before he eventually reached your collarbone. It was easy to cover up, it wasn’t like you lived in an exceptionally warm place where you would really need your collarbones uncovered if you wanted to be comfortable. He knew this, and he knew what typical business attire looked like for you, so he didn’t hesitate to leave a mark on this spot of your body. It was a simple bite mark, an indentation that would fade pretty quickly, but you couldn’t help but read into why he would want to mark your body. Especially in the place that someone would only be seeing if they were in an intimate position with you, such as the one you're in with Lukas.

Maybe you would think more about that at a later time. In fact, you definitely would be reading into that at a later time. But for this moment, the only thing you could focus on was how good it felt being with him in this moment. How good he felt inside of you, the way that each time your hips rolled against his you could feel a bit of his skin rubbing against your clit. How his blonde chest hair rubbed against your nipples in a slightly uncomfortable yet moderately enjoyable way. But mainly, you were focused on how absorbed you were by him. How enraptured in him you had been from the moment he called you that night before the wedding.

How had you both come so far in eight days? Who knows, really, but considering how beautiful he was and how good he was at fucking you, reading into it really didn’t feel like it was going to be worth your time.

“Are you even there? You’re so fucked right now.” Lukas brought you back to reality, a grin on his face as his head fell back against the couch.

“Wouldn’t miss this for the world.” You remarked, though it was breathy and filled with moans. He leaned forward, capturing your lips again as you felt the movements of your hips become less and less frequent. You could feel yourself nearing an orgasm, and you were sure the slightly detached way you were kissing him made it pretty clear to Lukas too.

It didn’t take more than a minute or two after you started to feel the orgasm building in your stomach for you to reach it, your lips falling from his as you felt yourself crying out his name. Lukas, searching for his own climax, held your hips rather harshly to keep you completely still. It was like he saw you as his personal sex toy for just that moment, and something about that turned you on way more than it probably should have.

Lukas didn’t take very much longer to finish, and though you probably should have been more worried about him cumming inside of you, sometimes having a very controlling father came in handy. Because having his youngest daughter pregnant before marriage seemed just horrible in his mind, so you were always on the pill.

Regardless of your lack of worry, you were an absolute mess. Your face was pressed against his chest, your hands had pretty much just fallen to rest against the couch, and you couldn’t seem to catch your breath until you pulled back to look at him.

“You look pretty too.”

“Yeah? Is that why you like my dick so much?” He helped you up despite the condescending comment, wrapping an arm around you. “How about a shower?”

Technically, showering was a bad idea for you since you had just taken one that morning. But something about the idea of being in the shower with Lukas made you giddy. “No hair washing, I already washed my hair today and I’m not using men’s shampoo.”

“So prissy.” Regardless, he continued the venture to the bathroom. You stayed at his side, your legs a little tired out from straddling him throughout all of that. He didn’t seem to mind having you leaning against him for support, in fact, he seemed to be getting some kind of kick out of it if the lingering smile on his lips was any indication.

“Yeah, well, I’m spoiled.” You responded, though you both knew that wasn’t entirely the truth. Logan Roy did spoil his kids in the sense that you were all so rich that you could have whatever material possessions you wanted. You were incredibly spoiled, and incredibly lucky, but those riches never bought your father’s love. They never changed that your mother abandoned all of you and was always incredibly distant. So yes, you were spoiled, but you couldn’t really sit around and pretend that you were living a happy life.

Lukas didn’t really know all that. He knew that he’d seen some fucked up things at Kendall’s birthday party and that he had watched the press conference Kendall gave and the Cruises trials. He knew that the family did seem to be fucked up, and he knew that you seemed to want out from under the thumb of your father. He knew that your parents had fucked everyone over after the wedding, which was why you were accepting his invitation to return so late. But he didn’t know the full extent of it. A part of you wished to get to a place where you could tell him all of that, but someone like him might never be interested in a relationship like that. Maybe you should just accept the number Kendall keeps trying to give you for his therapist.

Despite the feeling of your personal issues creeping back into the forefront of your mind, you did your best to push them aside as you watched Lukas turn on the shower. He grabbed two bathrobes from a cabinet and set them down on the sink, holding his hand out for you as he stepped into the shower.

“How long are you going to stay?” He asked, grabbing a bottle of soap from the caddy on the wall. Lukas poured some of his shampoo into it before rubbing it through his hair.

“I don’t know, honestly. I have to go to work tomorrow.” You responded, taking the shampoo bottle from his hands and setting it back down so he could focus more on his hair.

“Your dad runs the company, can’t you just say ‘sorry daddy, not coming to work today’?” His impression of your voice had you turning around to smack him in the shoulder, but you couldn’t hide the smile fighting its way onto your face.

“No, dumbass, I can’t. Roman’s AWOL so I’m the COO for now, I can’t just not go to work.” You responded, running your hand over your face as you groaned. “There’s so much bullshit going on. I have to choose between my siblings and my father tomorrow, they’ve both forced my hand.”

“How?” Though he continued to casually wash his hair, he did seem interested in what you were saying. Lukas did have personal interest, and financial interest, in what decision you made.

“Dad’s gonna let Caroline fuck me over if I choose to be with my siblings, and my siblings might hate me if I choose to stay at Waystar.” You sighed as he turned back around from the faucet, his eyes on yours with great interest. “But you, sir, you have made things far more complicated for me.”

“I have? All I did was offer you a seat.” His finger tapped your nose, an almost snort like sound leaving you as the feeling of his finger pressed against your nose. You didn’t think much of it, watching as he leaned past you to grab the body wash from the caddy.

“Tell me you have a cloth, Lukas. I am not washing my body with my hands.”

“Calm down, I have a cloth.” You hadn’t noticed the small cabinet off to the side of the shower, but it did sort of look like it didn’t see very much usage. Was he just washing himself with his hands? That was awfully disturbing considering how often he just didn’t have shoes on, but you were going to ignore it for now.

“And why didn’t you use conditioner? Lukas, where is your conditioner?”

“Do I need it?”

“Yes you need it, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Wow. Fine, I’ll have some conditioner brought here.” Despite his defensive tone, you could see the beginnings of a smile on his face as he dampened the cloth and poured some body soap on it. “Tell me how I’ve made things more complicated for you.”

As you did your best to speak, you were a little taken aback by the feeling of him deciding to wash your body instead of his own. “Because you- I’m going to say yes, that’s why. You offered me a guaranteed spot, even what I have going in right now is just filling in for Roman. You offered me something real.”

“Your siblings are trying to kill the deal, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, that’s a problem.” You let him clean over your arms, his touch going lower as he began to work on washing your torso. He seemed rather focused on cleaning all of you, and trying to talk business while he was touching every part of your body was… difficult. “I want to say yes to you, saying yes to you means saying yes to the buyout, and it means that my siblings are going to hate me.”

Lukas didn’t seem too stressed about this, continuing to clean your skin as he moved down toward your legs. “I don’t think they’ll hate you. It’s just business, and you’re siding with your father… technically.”

The thing was, you weren’t just doing this for Lukas. You liked what he offered you because it was something that you hadn’t been offered before, because it felt like someone was finally seeing you for what you actually brought to the table. But, you were also more willing to do it because for once in your life your father wasn’t making you the understudy. Maybe he was just letting you retain the role of COO until you agreed to stay at Waystar so he could trap you, but maybe for once he saw that you had what he needed you to have.

For once in your life, you just wanted to have the full approval of your father. “I guess- I don’t know, you know? My dad always puts my siblings above me, like, I never get taken seriously and now I have an actual role in the company. It just feels good. I’ll probably say yes to him tomorrow like… I’m ninety-five percent sure.”

He didn’t say anything, he didn’t need to. The thing was, he really wasn’t trying to sway you to stay at Waystar because you working with your siblings wasn’t going to be what turned the tide in their direction. Sure, the power of four was nice and all, but you were in no way more intelligent than any of them, each of them knew what they were doing and had more years of experience in it. Plus, you choosing them over your father wasn’t going to make him uninterested in Gojo, especially considering he didn’t really know you were sleeping with Lukas.

It was true that he knew that the Swedish man had been making eyes at you while you were at his villa, and he was aware that both you and Roman were in contact with him via text message. But other than that he had no real way of knowing, and you were going to try to keep it that way for as long as possible.

“What would happen if your dad knew I was fucking you?” He seemed curious, an aptly timed question considering that you were just thinking about it but probably a natural line of thinking when you were both speaking about the company that your dad started.

“I don’t know, I don’t think he’d be angry with you, though. He’d blame me for ruining his image of me, probably. Call me an irresponsible slut or something.” You responded, grabbing another cloth from the shelf and wetting it. Lukas handed you the soap, watching as you put some onto the cloth. Apparently you were just cleaning each other, very feline like. “Honestly he might blackmail me into trying to get something out of you or my siblings. Threaten to tell Tom to leak our hook ups to the press, taint my image as the more innocent of the Roy kids that he’s worked so hard to cultivate, if I don’t just do what he says.”

“I have read articles calling you the ‘Little Princess Who- Oh, I shouldn’t say that.”

“No, I know what article you’re talking about.”

A hit piece, the little princess who never could. It was about how you would never make your way up in the ranks at Waystar, how some disgruntled former employee referred to you as Roman Roy’s ‘sister/assistant/glorified intern’ who was spoiled relentlessly and kept a gun in her dresser drawer. How he found out about the gun was beyond you, but it was a gift from your father so you didn’t feel the need to shoot that one down.

“That started one of my dad’s favorite media campaigns involving me.” You responded, starting your washing of him from his shoulders. It felt intimate having him cleaning you, but now being the one cleaning him felt… it felt like a lot of pressure. But it was good pressure, it made you feel closer to him. “His second amendment campaign, where he showed everyone videos he had recorded of him teaching me how to shoot.”

“I’ve been wondering if those were real.”

“You watched?”

“I do my research.” Whether he meant that he did his research on the company he was buying, or that he was background checking the girl that he was sleeping with, you were unsure. The likely answer was that it was a combination of both, that he probably read the article in his research of the company, and watched the videos after he hooked up with you for the first time.

“They were real, dad taught me how to shoot.” You responded, continuing your venture of lathering his skin with soap as you tried to remain casual about what you were saying. You weren’t the only Roy kid that knew how to shoot, your father loved going on his hunting trip but it was one of your true honors that you were invited to it. “He put a gun in my hand the day I turned twelve, he thought it would help with my developing anger problems because of the divorce.” That wasn't entirely true. You were pretty sure that he had been trying to teach you some kind of a lesson. Still, teaching you to shoot didn't end there.

“Did it?”

“Kind of, I’m not too angry now but… that was a long time ago.” You responded, continuing to clean him. It wasn’t feeling as strange to do this anymore. You didn’t feel like you were crossing some kind of boundary by cleaning his body, it felt rather natural, actually. “I guess the moral of the story is don’t fuck me over, because I’m a good shot.”

“Oh, I trust you. I do remember him saying the gun was… pink?” He seemed a bit smug about that, like the idea of you having a pink gun was funny to him. Honestly, a young woman having a pink gun probably did seem stereotypical, but it also wasn’t true.

“See, he’s wrong about that. The gun isn’t pink. The gun is black and red, he had it custom made for my eighteenth birthday. I don’t know where that man got pink from, considering that the red is just an accent.” You knelt down to clean his legs, and though you were quite literally on your knees in front of him, it surprised you that he made no comment about it. You were quick to get back up, letting him rinse off as you continued speaking. “That was my first sex scandal at home, though. Dad wanted to know how he knew what was in my bedroom. I still have no idea who told him about the gun in my bedroom but man… I haven’t heard someone use the term ‘floozy’ in a while.”

Lukas turned the water off once you were both rinsed, helping to clean off the smudged makeup on your face before you stepped out of the shower. “You never told me, how long are you staying?”

“I need to be at work by nine… can you get me a flight at six?” The casual tone that you were using made you seem like you hadn’t methodically thought this through on the way here but the quick math proved otherwise. You knew the time zone difference and the flight time so well because you had thought it through.

“Consider it done.” He wrapped himself in a bathrobe, not really waiting for you to do the same because he figured that you would. Following after him once the bathrobe was as securely on you as it could be, you watched him lead you through a few corridors before you were back in his bedroom. “Next time you come we can bullshit your father, I’ll name you my… business liaison or something.”

The fact that neither of you really had a conversation about you coming back and he was just throwing it out there definitely was a bit surprising, but you never really knew what to expect when it came to Lukas. “You really can’t bullshit my father for long.”

“For a little while, though?”

“Probably two or three months but… that would be two or three months of not having to explain to my dad that I’m coming down here to fuck you so it’s a solid idea.” You responded, sitting down on the edge of the bed as Lukas dug through his closet. He tossed two things at you, seemingly the least six-foot-four-oriented things that he had, and let you change into them. Sure, you had clothes in the other room, but it felt nicer to wear something washed after a shower and you couldn’t deny that you liked that they smelled like him.

Lukas dried off and got changed before turning back to look at you. “Remember what you asked me last time you were in here?” He asked, watching as you finished getting dressed before placing your bathrobe into a used clothes bin.

“Um-”

“You wanted to be friends, right? Let’s try that.”

“Oh fuck yeah, my only friends are my fucking siblings it’s so pathetic.”

So, for the next seven straight hours the two of you sat around in his living room playing video games. The first hour and a half was incredibly awkward. When Lukas wasn’t fucking you or talking business he was somewhat socially aloof, but when you came to the realization that was just how he was and had nothing to do with how much he did or did not like you it became a lot easier to get used to.

It was fun, honestly. You were never really allowed to do anything like this growing up, and having never done it as a kid, you never felt like it was something you could do as an adult. Your first experience with a gaming console was when you were in college, and it really was a nice stress reliever but with work and the looming threat of your family falling apart it wasn’t something you got to do much even in your adulthood.

Once you got used to Lukas’ somewhat distant demeanor it felt like you could just forget everything. By hour four you were both just loose and having fun, he had brought out some Swedish snacks and you were completely distracted from the decision that you were going to have to make the following day.

At some point throughout your time on the couch you ended up practically sitting on top of him, rather than just sitting beside him. Lukas embraced this and kept his arm wrapped around you for a while, though this position grew far too difficult for him to actually play the games in so he just kind of let you lean against him and occasionally held your hand or something. You didn’t really take him for a hand holder, and it never lasted for more than a few seconds, but the feeling of it was endearing and caused a feeling in your stomach that you were definitely going to choose to ignore.

By the time you’d fallen into bed together it felt comfortable, normal. You, of course, were going to be getting up pretty early to get on the plane home, but you didn’t need to think about that beyond setting an alarm.

It should have surprised you more how comfortable you were sleeping with him that night. It was your first night sharing a bed together, there should have been more of an accommodation period - especially considering that you weren’t in a relationship beyond your hook-ups that only started a week ago. But there was something oddly comforting about laying in bed cuddled up to Lukas.

Maybe it was because he was so tall and inviting, or maybe it was because his skin was shockingly warm for someone who could be so utterly cold. Whatever it was, you fell asleep pretty quickly with little to no conversation about sharing a bed together. Lukas, however, stayed on his phone for a few hours to take care of some business and emails that he hadn’t gotten to earlier because he was distracted by you. But throughout this time, he never tried to push you off, he just kind of embraced the affection.

But morning came quicker than you wanted it to, and the blinding rays of the sun had you wishing that you could just have woken up in a Groundhog Day type loop where you wouldn’t have to disappoint your siblings and continue to work with your father instead of joining the rebel alliance.

“You could stay a little longer, if you wanted?” Lukas stated, watching as you angrily shoved your freshly used toothbrush into the small bag that you brought with you.

“Ha ha. You know I can’t, I can’t just say that you wanted me to come here and do business on a random Sunday and I left without telling anyone just because. That doesn’t work.” You responded, walking over to him as you adjusted your shirt one last time. “But I want to stay, the phone sex is torture.”

“Better than nothing though.” He stated, walking with you to the door, though you were walking at a snail’s pace. “I have to work some things out, but I’ll let you know when I’m free.”

“And I’ll bullshit my father into thinking that I’m doing business deals here.” You replied, turning back to face him with an almost-smile on your lips. “Are you going back to sleep?”

“Probably not, I don’t sleep much.” He responded, opening the door for you as you backed towards it. His fingers captured your chin once again, initiating a chaste kiss before pulling back far-too-soon. “I’ll see you… no later than a week?”

“No later than a week, got it.” You stepped out of the door, the morning dew nauseating you because you absolutely did not want to be getting on a plane at the crack of dawn right now, especially when you knew that it was midnight back home. You wanted to turn around and say something to him, it honestly felt like you should. But there really was nothing more to say, you weren’t all that close yet.

The best you could do was shoot him a big smile and a wave as you got into the car, before heading back home. To the one place that you really didn’t want to be, on the day that was just beginning for them. The day that you knew was going to change things permanently, and the day that you had been dreading for the last week. Since your hand was forced into this, and you had no way of getting out of it.

By the time you were on the plane Lukas was texting you again, a little while later telling you that he would be free the following Wednesday if you were interested. It was only two days, and you were one hundred percent interested, so of course you said yes.

As the time passed by, though, and you had nothing more to do than wait for Lukas to answer your texts and stare out of the tiny plane window, your brain really kicked into gear. Sure, you couldn’t sleep because you were in the warm comfort of a bed and Lukas’s arms, but that didn’t mean that your best thoughts didn’t come while you were sitting in the seat of a private jet that was slightly unfamiliar to you.

Maybe you would say yes to your father, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t also serve as a double agent and use your position at Waystar to give information to your siblings. Who was to say that you couldn’t hang out with them, and help them, when you weren’t working or with Lukas? You could have the best of both worlds if you played your cards right. You just had to hope that nothing was going to come and fuck it all up for you.

Chapter Text

It’s been two weeks since your first time rushing over to Sweden to see Lukas alone. Two weeks since you both agreed to enter into a mutual lie that you were going there to do business with him because he preferred doing it in person than over the one. And just a few days since the last time that you had seen him in person.

Over the course of the last two weeks, you’ve flown to Sweden to see Lukas four times. The most recent time, however, wasn’t sexual. As much as you wanted to fuck him after going three whole days without it, there was actual business to attend to and you needed your father to be there for it. Sitting beside your father with Lukas on the other side of him was worrisome, to say the least.

Logan Roy was many things, but he wasn’t stupid. He was probably more intelligent than anyone else you’d ever met, and he knew how to read the children that he’s created like a book. That was terrifying to you, you needed to play things especially cool with Lukas because you fully understood that everything that was going on between the two of you could be ruined if he found out that you were seeing each other.

That said, having officially agreed to take on the role of COO you were under a lot more pressure than you were before. That was amplified by the fact that you decided that you were going to play both sides, provide information to your siblings should they need to use it against Logan for whatever reason. You were working overtime, and somehow managing to see Lukas in between.

Even when you weren’t seeing Lukas you never really stopped speaking to him. The man seemed to be on his phone constantly. Every minute of the day he was texting you, calling you, sending you pictures of him doing work. He really enjoyed sending you casual pictures of him, like your messages were his own personal BeReal that he uploaded to multiple times a day with absolutely no caption.

When you were free to really talk to him he would FaceTime you, usually because he wanted to have phone sex. It was strange doing this with him, he was the first person you tried phone sex with because, embarrassingly enough, you were under the impression that Logan was somehow monitoring your calls for the longest time. It was an adjustment period, and it was absolutely insane how he seemed to get horny just about every single day. But it only made you long to see him more, despite the fact that you were incredibly relieved that it was a Saturday and you had absolutely no plans.

Strangely enough, Lukas hadn’t invited you over. The thing about being his ‘business liaison’ was that you were seeing him during the week. Sure, he could send a jet for you so Logan wouldn’t have to approve a flight and wonder why you were going to Sweden, but the weekends were definitely a gray area because if something happened back home you couldn’t explain away that you went to go visit.

Still, you half-expected him to ask you to come see him. Granted, you were beyond relieved to have a moment of serenity where you didn’t need to go see your father, or your siblings, or make a six-hour time jump when you flew to Sweden to get fucked by your… friend? With benefits? You really didn’t know what the nature of your relationship was, but you seemed to be friends and there were definitely quite a few benefits to that friendship.

Just as you finished getting out of bed, your silk bathrobe wrapped around your torso, you heard a buzzing coming from beside your door. Quickly, you rushed over to it, assuming that it was one of your siblings that was in dire need of you for whatever reason.

“Which one is it?”

“None of them, miss, it’s a… Lukas Matsson, claims he’s here to see you.”

“Uh… yeah, okay. Let him up.”

How did Lukas even know where to find you? It wasn’t like you were living in some small town where he could just make a guess from the pictures that you sent him, you were living in one of the largest cities in the world. How could he have managed to have found where you lived? Unless he combed through your records at Waystar… how could he even get access to them without asking your father.

The moment you realized he was definitely coming up you made a dash to your bedroom, getting dressed as quickly as possible and making sure that you looked somewhat presentable before hurrying back out into the main room. Sure enough, Lukas was standing there with a hoodie over his baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses to cover up his face just a little bit more than he would be otherwise.

“It really is you.”

“In the flesh.”

“How did you find me?” Your tone didn’t indicate that you were offended or scared, but you were surprised that he had managed to find you.

“You gave me your location the other day.” He said it like it was nothing, you had given him your location because your driver was sick and you didn’t want to bother someone to drive you down the street in the middle of the night. He was worried that something was going to happen to you so he insisted that you give him your location.

“That was- that was for my protection?”

“Yeah. I used it for something else, too.” A groan left your throat, but you couldn’t deny the smile that covered your lips as you finally moved forward. He let you take his face into your hands as your lips met, your smile yet to falter as he returned the kiss. It had become normal for the two of you to kiss in greeting, despite not having a label on your relationship as of yet.

Lukas pulled back after a moment, a grin covering his lips as you tried to chase the kiss. It felt a bit more domestic than it probably should, but who were you to say something about that? You didn’t have a label on whatever was going on between the two of you, so there was no reason for you to try and put it into a box when you didn’t have to.

“Show me around this disgusting city.”

“Gosh, you really know how to butter a girl up.” You commented, pulling back as you sighed. “I can’t, Lukas, people will recognize us.”

“No, just put on a disguise.”

“You mean… the cap and sunglasses. That’s your idea of a disguise?” Though he had seemingly managed to get through the city without people recognizing who he was, that didn’t mean that he was in the clear. That didn’t mean that you would be in the clear either. He was a Swedish billionaire, and not everyone in New York knew who he was. But everyone knew the Roy’s, your faces had been plastered all over the news since the Lester incident. Still, he wanted to spend time with you and you couldn’t find it in yourself to say anything other than, “Okay.”

Lukas kissed your forehead and let you head back into your room to grab a couple things. Sliding a pair of sunglasses over your face and a cap over your head, you hoped that the fact that you weren’t wearing makeup was going to be enough to throw people off your case at least a little bit. It was rather warm out, but you grabbed a hooded jacket and put it on anyway so you could cover your head as much as possible.

“You better fucking hope that New Yorkers minding their business applies to us.” You never walked around the city, you didn’t need to. When you did, you were just trying to clear your head and you were almost always surrounded by finance bros who were hoping that you could get them into Waystar. But there were a few times when you went out, usually at night, and strolled around the city. Regardless, having Lukas with you definitely made things look more suspicious.

“Didn’t I already give my name to your doorman?”

“Yeah, that was moronic.” You responded, but decided to brush it off for the time being. It was true that Logan could try and see who visited you if he wanted to. Since the incident with the disgruntled employee revealing something that was in your bedroom to the country, you wouldn’t put it past him either. But maybe you just wanted to live in the moment for once, and as you took Lukas’ hand and headed into the city, this seemed like the perfect time to do it. “And what do you mean, ‘disgusting’? New York isn’t disgusting.”

“It smells like piss and there’s actual fucking rodents everywhere.” He responded, turning to look at you. Even with the darkly tinted sunglasses, you could see a look of slight disbelief on his face.

“Yeah, well, those rats deserve a place to live too.” You responded, almost childlike in your retorts. “Fine, yeah, it’s kind of disgusting but it’s my disgusting filth and you’re going to enjoy this tour. Got it?”

“Oh, trust me. I love watching you walk.” You couldn’t bring yourself to flick him in the arm for that comment, you liked the fact that the two of you could talk casually, and you didn’t want to let go of his hand. Especially not as you brought him outside.

“This is the Financial District, um… Waystar is over there.” You pointed to a building slightly close to where you were, not short of a twenty minute walk if you ever really wanted to walk there. Sometimes you did, but it wasn’t often. Especially not since, again, the Lester incident. You really weren’t looking to have a bag of piss thrown on you. “But I’m not taking you to Waystar, I’m taking you to my favorite cafe.”

“I didn’t know we were going on a date.”

“Well- No, no. This isn’t- I just-”

“I’m just fucking with you, I asked you to show me around.” He stopped you from spiraling, his hand pressed firmly on your cheek. You wanted nothing more than to see his eyes through his sunglasses, but you were on the sidewalk and you needed to move before someone got mad that you were just standing around.

“It’s not too far from here, I go there… sometimes.”

“I thought you said it’s your favorite?”

“It is, but I can’t take you to places that I don’t usually send Greg to go to for me.” You responded, turning to look at him as you continued to walk. “It’s the best coffee around this part of the city, I just can’t bring you to my favorite park… at least, not until it’s dark.”

It was a strange combination of emotions. You were walking down the sidewalk with Lukas, holding his hand like you were in a relationship and bringing him to get some of your favorite coffee. But you couldn’t have people see you together. The media couldn’t see you together because they might wonder if there’s a deal brewing between Waystar and Gojo, and Logan isn’t ready to tell people about that.

But what if they take a picture? What if people see the two of you holding hands? You’d rather your family not finding out that you’re anywhere near him in any way other than professional, but the idea of them finding out that you’re fucking because TMZ posted about it makes you absolutely want to go back into your penthouse and hide. But you can’t do that, you can’t bring yourself to not enjoy the time that you’re spending with him.

“Who’s Greg? Is that some… assistant?”

“He might as well be but… no. He’s my cousin.” You responded, continuing your way down the street before stopping at a light. “He’s a tall bumbling idiot, you’ll know him if you see him.”

“How many family members do you have?” He questioned, turning to look at you as you groaned and continued down the street before finally stopping in front of the cafe.

“More than you know about.” You responded, sighing before stepping into the building. “Here we are. Uh, I usually get coffee and avocado toast.”

Lukas looked over at the menu, “It’s hard to see with these fucking things on.” He said, shrugging and turning back to look at you. “I’ll get what you’re getting, I guess.”

You placed your order, but made sure to use a nickname so people wouldn’t hear your actual name being called out. The moment you paid for it you were being pulled toward the bathroom by Lukas, your eyes caught on him as he pushed you into the unisex stall.

“Did you want me to watch you piss?”

“We should have fucked before we left.” He grunted out, connecting your mouths and pushing you back against the sink. You followed his lead and jumped up onto it, supporting yourself as best as you could on the cool metal sink and letting him place himself in between your thighs. “We have to be quick, okay? I know people can’t know what we’re doing in here.”

You nodded and pushed your hood down, placing your sunglasses on top of your hat as he brushed past you to set his sunglasses behind you. “A little too much trust in me. How do you know I won’t lean on them?”

“I trust you.” He responded, but it seemed more like he was trying to say that he didn’t care. He was too caught up in the moment to care, because the only thing he could think of was why he couldn’t seem to get your pants down your thighs in a timely manner.

“Take care of yourself, I’ll take care of this.” You said, leaning your hips off of the sink a bit so you could slide the pants down them. You couldn’t push them too far, you were in a public restroom. You didn’t want them on the dirty floor, and you really didn’t have the time to be doing this to begin with, let alone completely undressing when you needed to keep a low profile. The fact that you were even doing this was a giant risk, but taking your time with it was just something that you didn’t have the luxury to do at the moment.

Lukas wasted no time in pushing your panties to the side, burying himself inside of you as you surged forward to pull him into a kiss. You needed to be quiet, as quiet as you possibly could be. It was difficult, though, with the brutal pace he set the moment that he pushed inside of you. It was clear that he was trying to get this done as soon as possible, but it almost felt like you couldn’t take it.

He let you bite down on his lip, his moans falling into your mouth as you leaned forward so your body was pressed against his. Lukas’ hands grabbed onto your backside, holding you so he could support the part of your body that wasn’t resting on the sink.

After a moment, your body adjusted to what was happening and you rolled your hips in turn with his thrusts. He was rough and fast, but it was becoming easier for you to move along with him. The more the two of you slept together, the better you understood each other’s bodies. It felt like you were becoming closer, despite the fact that you couldn’t look at him and tell someone what the nature of your relationship happened to be.

“What would people think? Waystar’s new little COO, getting fucked senseless in a fucking bathroom?” He gripped you a bit tighter, your face falling into the crook of his neck as you tried your best to keep quiet. “Nobody even knows how much of a slut you are. Nobody but me.”

His voice was low, low enough that it made him sound gruffer than normal. As much as he wanted to speak to you, he knew that he had to keep quiet. He could say as much as he wanted about people finding out that something was happening between the two of you, but neither of you were going to let anyone find out.

You brought your face up so you could look at him, your eyes caught on him as you tried to keep your eyes at bay. “I missed you, so fucking much.”

It hasn’t even been a week since the two of you were together in person, and it’s been less than that since the last time you talked. You had last texted Lukas the night before when you went to sleep, you had no way of knowing that he intended on coming to visit you in the morning. How you managed to miss him was beyond your comprehension, but you were being incredibly honest when you said it.

“I know, princess. I understand.” Did he mean that he understood because he missed you too? Or that he understood that you were a little bit clingy and were obviously going to miss him while he was away? Regardless of the meaning, you really had no time to process it considering that you could feel your orgasm building in your stomach.

“Fuck- fuck. I’m going to-” Lukas brought you into another kiss, silencing your moans as you came around him, his thrusts not ceasing until he felt his own orgasm encroaching. It felt so good with him, better than anyone else that you had ever been with. Everything felt so natural and normal with him, and you wished that you could understand the reasoning behind that. But maybe you didn’t have to, maybe you could just go with the flow and see what happens.

The moment your eyes were opened again you couldn’t help but stare at him. His slightly opened lips, his closed eyes, the way he panted when he was coming down from an orgasm. He looked absolutely beautiful, but you couldn’t keep thinking something like that. The two of you were just fucking, you couldn’t go around making it sappy.

“Our food is probably done.” You commented, breaking the moment as badly as you wished that you didn’t have to. Lukas opened his eyes, collecting his bearings and pulling out of you. He adjusted himself back into his pants while you brought your own pants back onto your hips. Handing him his sunglasses back, you resituated your own onto your face before sighing and turning back to him. “We’re going to look so dumb eating out there in sunglasses and hoodies. Wanna go to the park?”

“I thought you couldn’t take me to the park.” He had a mischievous look on his face, like he had somehow managed to win something by getting you to take him to the park you were nervous about taking him to.

“Yeah, well, sometimes you have to just say fuck it, right?” You asked, stepping out of the bathroom. You didn’t expect him to take your hand, he hadn’t been the one to start the hand-holding to begin with and you assumed that he would have been perfectly content to just walk beside you. But he did anyway, maybe he was just worried that you were going to somehow scurry off and get lost with your rat friends.

“Who’s watching anyway?” He questioned, following after you and collecting the food that was ready for you. You handed him his coffee and food, taking your own before walking back out into the city.

“Everyone, Lukas. Maybe people mind their business in Sweden, but if one reporter takes a picture of us together my entire circle is going to know something is going on.” Your hands were full now, he had dropped your hand to let you eat, but still followed closely behind you as you brought him to the park that you liked to relax at. “And manage your expectations, I’m not taking you to Central Park.”

“Too many poor people?”

“Asshole, stop that.” You responded, though your insult was less serious than anything else considering the fact that you were speaking with a mouth full of toast.

“You’re walking with a little limp, you know. So slight that only the trained eye-”

“Do you want me to push you into traffic, Lukas?” You asked, turning back to look at him. But there was such a big smile on his face that you couldn’t help but crack a smile of your own. It drove you absolutely insane how much you were growing to enjoy his company, but you had come to him and asked for a friend, he was just giving you what you wanted while you were both, mutually, gaining some excellent sex.

“If you push me into traffic everyone will know I fucked you.”

“How will everyone know you fucked me? I’ll cry, I’ll say ‘daddy, Lukas Matsson has been stalking me. See?! He sent me a picture of his-his penis last night!’ See, I can even get some crocodile tears going.” True to your word, you made sure to make yourself cry a little bit.

“And I’m the asshole? You fucking love seeing pictures of my dick.” He responded, following you as you sat down on one of the small seating blocks in the park. “And your dad would see the rest of our texts too. All of them, every last fucking one of them.”

“Whatever, I wouldn’t kill you anyway. Too good of a fuck to die.” It was more than that, and you were starting to understand that it was more than that, but you didn’t really want to think about it. And you certainly didn’t want to tell him that in the last three weeks you had grown so attached to him that you wanted to ask if he wanted to court you - how juvenile would that be? No. You were going to bottle up your feelings until they went away and you didn’t have to think about them anymore, that was the rational, adult thing to do.

“Really? You would never kill me?”

“I don’t know, what are you planning?” You finished your toast and washed it down with some coffee, turning to look at him as he did the same.

“Oh, nothing that would hurt you.” His thumb tapped against your chin, a teasing tone in his voice that left answers to be desired. Was he actually planning something? You didn’t really need to worry about that, since he promised you a seat when he took over Waystar. If he took over Waystar, who really knows what your siblings were planning. They could very well make sure that the deal doesn’t go through.

“Well, I’m always looking out for number one. As long as you don’t hurt me, we’re cool.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Smart, because you know I have a gun.” He cracked a smile at that, taking a sip of his coffee. Threatening him with gun violence after telling him that you would never kill him is probably one of the least intimidating tactics that you had ever used on anyone, but you couldn’t help the way that your eyebrows furrowed as he looked away. You had been talking like friends over the phone for so long, that being around him in your own home, talking like this and sitting so close… it was beginning to overwhelm your mind.

Setting your coffee down, you leaned forward and let your hand rest on his cheeks. There was a questioning look on his face behind those glasses, but he didn’t stop you from kissing him. He set down his coffee to make sure he didn’t spill it, a hand pressed on your hip as he returned the affection. It didn’t last long, however. You were the one to pull away, weren’t sure what came over you when you decided that you needed to kiss him.

“You weren’t kidding about missing me.”

“Yeah, well, I get bored.” You responded, shrugging and picking your cup back up again. It was boring without him there. Despite the constant turmoil between your work, and your siblings, there was a part of you that was bored when he wasn’t around. “Won’t have to be bored when you take over though.”

“Exactly. Let’s get your dad to rush this along.” He didn’t seem like he was joking, but you didn’t feel like getting into the logistics of ‘rushing this along’. Especially considering that he had been dragging out the process way more than Karolina was, but it was all a tactic. Everything was a tactic, and you grew up around enough manipulators to learn that, and become a bit of one yourself.

“Have you ever ridden the subway?” You asked, a smile crossing your face as he shook his head.

“Can’t we… can’t we drive?”

“Baby, I don’t know how to drive.” You responded, your hand on his shoulder. “I don’t need to, I have drivers. But my drivers go through my dad, and my dad can’t know you’re here. We’re going to Brooklyn, and we’re taking the subway.”

“It’s fucking gross-”

“You wanted me to show you the disgusting city, now come on.” You took his hand, your coffee in your other hand as you checked which stop you needed on your phone. It’s been ages since you rode the subway, and you’ve only ever ridden it a few times before that. But you liked the idea of doing this with him, especially if he wanted the authentic New York City experience.

Lukas let you bring him down the stairs, stopping in front of the turnstiles. “Okay-”

“You can tap your phone, but you’re getting a MetroCard.” You responded, pulling him over to the vending machine. “You need to have it to remember your time, okay? It’s a staple.”

“To remember my time in this rat infested tunnel?”

“Yeah.” No. You wanted him to remember the time that he spent with you. To look down at that card and think about what he had done with you, and how you’d shown him around the city. You wanted him to have a souvenir because you wanted him to think about you, but you weren’t going to say all of that to him. You couldn’t say any of that to him, not in a way that you believed he would understand.

“Fine, how?” You helped him insert his card into the machine, selecting an amount to put onto the card before he removed it. “I thought it would be made of plastic.”

“Manage your expectations.” You responded, helping him through the turnstile before coming in after him. He let you hold onto his hand, his fingers wrapping around yours. Your train arrived shortly after, and he looked sufficiently disgusted by everything he was looking at.

“Do they mop in here?”

“Probably.” You were sure they did, but the grime was more than likely so caked on that mopping wasn’t going to do much of anything to make the place look any cleaner. You sat down with him in an empty seat, his hand not leaving yours as you turned to look at him. “Are you okay? If you’re uncomfortable-”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” He wasn’t entirely sure where to look, so he opted to just keep his eyes on you throughout the duration of the ride. That meant that he caught the way your breath hitched in your throat when his thumb rubbed around your knuckle, and the way that you seemed to stiffen because you wanted to lean into him. “Couldn’t these people leak us being here to the press?”

“They won’t, unspoken rule.” Someone might take a picture, but for the most part, you doubted anyone was going to look twice at you. “We’re not really celebrities to people who aren’t in the finance world.”

“You are, you’re national fucking news.”

“No, Logan, Tom and Greg were national fucking news. I was just kind of there.” You didn’t have to testify, you went with Roman to handle his business since you were working under him at the time. “I felt like I was going to die, but I wasn’t testifying.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that shit. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” You no longer really thought about that. It stuck with you for a little while, but it didn’t take you very long to move on from it. Nothing ended up happening, and yourself and Roman returned home. You weren’t too worried about your near death experience any longer.

As you heard the doors open you realized this was your stop, helping him up before going back to lean against the wall. “What, are we just hanging out in here now? Is there a party?”

“No, there’s a transfer.” You explained, showing him your phone. You needed to wait a few minutes before transferring onto the next train, and though he kept his disappointment concealed, you could still see it. “We can walk, it’s only like… a half a mile.”

“I’d rather not.” He groaned, but he only sighed. “But this is the price you pay for a super secret affair, isn’t it?”

“It is.” That was one word for it, an affair. You were sleeping together, but was there something more? You were pretty sure an affair was all-encompassing so long as the two of you were having sex. But you couldn’t really think about that, you didn’t want to consider what was truly going on in this little trist because you knew that if it was anything other than sex you were beyond fucked. It would not be good news if everyone found out that something was going on with yourself and Lukas, and it would be worse news if feelings were involved.

As the train pulled in, you slid your phone back into your pocket and went to ride out the rest of your time. Of course, you were going to have to return to the subway later on, but he didn’t need to know that until it actually happened.

Once you got off, you exited out near the Brooklyn Bridge. “One of our biggest tourist destinations.” You explained, pointing to the bridge and the shops surrounding it.

“Is that all I am to you? A tourist? I’m hurt.” He responded, a smile on his face as you turned to look at him incredulously. “I don’t think you’re looking to move into this city, so… yes. You’re a tourist.”

“Ouch.”

“You’re a hot tourist, though.” You reassured him, squeezing his hand before starting your expedition around the city. The first few hours were torture, because you wanted nothing more than to take your stupid disguises off. Lukas, however, was in awe of the stupidest things. He was surprised there was gas stations in the city and surprised there were grocery stores. He insisted that you go into a grocery store because he had been told by so many people that they just didn’t exist in New York. It was strange seeing him like that, when he was normally a little bit of a dick.

But by sunset you could take your sunglasses and hat off, and his pockets were big enough that you didn’t have to worry about carrying them. The second you could actually see him he paused, his eyes locking on your before he leaned down. You met him in the middle, your lips pressed together as he held your cheeks in his hands. It felt nice, but you couldn’t help but wonder what had come over him.

“I’m tired.”

“You’re tired?” You asked him, a bit taken aback. You were almost lovestruck as you pulled away from him, dazed from his kiss as he stood in front of you.

“Yeah, I don’t get out this much.” That you could understand, he had the posture of a teenage boy who had been living in his bedroom playing video games for the last few months without interruption. You nodded and looked around before checking your phone.

“We can go home- To- to my home.” You didn’t understand why you said it that way. Maybe you were used to telling your siblings that they were going home, or that you were telling Logan that you were coming home from a trip to Sweden. But you, logically, knew that it was something more than that. Electing to ignore it, you took his hand and brought him to the closest subway station, he didn’t seem to complain about it as much this time.

“Do you ride these things often? Because they’re fucking dangerous.”

“I don’t, I haven’t ridden one in years.” He was right, they are dangerous. Anyone could decide that they hate you for being who you are and push you on the tracks at any given point. But you didn’t often use the subway, you were just doing what you needed to do for the time being. You weren’t about to have your driver be the person that reveals to Logan that you were sleeping with Lukas.

On the way back, he didn’t stop you from resting your head against his. As much as you were used to working hard and not getting much sleep, you were exhausted. This was supposed to be one of your relaxation days, just sitting in your living room and watching movies in your pajamas. You made an exception to go out with him, to spend your entire day showing him around the city that he called disgusting. For that, he didn’t mind that you were dozing off on his shoulder.

By the time you arrived at your penthouse you were both exhausted. Lukas took his coat and pants off before collapsing in the bed, clad in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. You, however, changed back into the pajamas you had been wearing earlier before crawling in beside him. You curled into his body on instinct, your head resting in the crook of his neck as his arm wrapped around your body. It felt more intimate than perhaps it should have, and despite the voices in the back of your head screaming at you that you shouldn’t do something like have feelings for him, you couldn’t deny it as his lips pressed against the top of your head.

Once you woke up, you did what you normally do on a Sunday and made yourself chocolate chip pancakes. You made a few extra for Lukas, you groggily followed you into the kitchen once you were almost done. “You cook for yourself?”

“When I have time.” You responded, setting two plates down on the small table that you had set up. “What do you want to drink?”

“Do you have soda?”

“In the morn- Yeah, I have soda.” You wanted to question him, question his health habits and what would lead to him requesting soda in the morning. But, technically, it was afternoon. The both of you had managed to sleep until a while after noon, and it was now pushing one. You handed him a can of Coke before sitting down with your own drink.

“Why do you cook for yourself?”

“Do you want the bullshit answer or the honest answer?” His look indicated that he wanted you to be honest, so that was what you were going to be. “My mom kind of fucking hates me, so much so that you probably don’t even know who she is.”

“It’s… Caroline, right?”

“Yeah, Caroline. I’m the youngest, the last one that she had, the one she spent the least time with.” You took a bite of your food, staring down at your plate before looking back up at him. “She spent so little time with me that I sometimes forget I have another parent. But the time she did spend with me was always cooking, and always before a big family meal. Logan thought that would make us look better for the guests. It… comforts me. It was the only time we ever felt like a family.”

“No offense, but your entire family fucking sucks.”

“Yeah, I know.” You responded, not bothering to blink at the statement. You knew that your family was bad, that you had never had any semblance of normalcy and that you were never going to. “At least I’m cool.”

“You’re so cool.”

“Was that sarcasm? I’ll throw you off of the balcony.”

“No you won’t.”

No you wouldn’t. There was no way that you’re going to throw him off of any balcony and you both knew that, but that doesn’t mean that the vague threats weren’t still fun to make. “When are you going back?”

It was normally him asking that to you, it felt strange being the one to bring it up. He glanced at the time, and you were almost sure that you could see a frown on his lips. “Six, they need me in the morning.”

“Maybe you should’ve come on Friday.” You responded, without really thinking about the implications of what you were saying to him. Him coming on Friday would have meant that you got to spend more time together, you were outright telling him that you wanted to spend more time with him, and you couldn’t bring yourself to regret the statement.

“You’re coming to Sweden on Tuesday, aren’t you?” He asked, waiting for your affirmative nod before continuing. “Just make up some bullshit and say you have to stay for an extra day.”

“What kind of bullshit?”

“I don’t know, I’ll strongarm your dad so you have to stay. Say I’m considering walking or something.”

“That might actually kill him.” You teased, taking a bite from your food. “But… yeah, that works.” Him being the one to lie to your father definitely made you feel a lot better. You knew that Logan was going to be suspicious of all the time that you were spending in Sweden at some point, of the excuses that you kept making up to be there for as long as possible. Maybe he didn’t suspect anything now, because the deal was still fresh and he didn’t know Lukas very well, but the day when everyone found out the two of you were sleeping together was going to come.

Once you finished eating you washed off the plates before joining him on the couch. It was odd how easily you both fell into a natural position, your head resting on his lap while you sprawled out on the couch. Lukas’ fingers ran through your hair absentmindedly as he turned on a movie, your cheek pressed against his stomach for the duration of it.

There wasn’t much time left by the time the movie ended, but that didn’t stop him from turning on another one. You shifted positions so you were sitting beside him again, curled into his side while he took the opportunity to lean back against the couch. His slouch would have been enough to get him kicked out of your father’s house (and life) if he saw it, but you weren’t at your father’s house, and just that gentle reminder was enough to get you excited over the thrilling prospect of freedom. A prospect which was stripped from you the moment Lukas got up because he had to go - you were still confined by your family, and you were still not actually in a relationship, much less a public one that meant he could stay for another day.

“I’ll see you Tuesday… actually, I’ll see you on the phone.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Is phone sex threatening to you?”

“I wouldn’t say that.” You retorted, a smile growing on your lips as he leaned down to press a chaste kiss to your lips. “Don’t… crash?”

“Fucking bleak. I’ll try not to.”

The moment he was gone you were left to your own debilitating thoughts. This was supposed to be nothing more than sex, you just wanted to feel a rush and feel something other than being under the control of your father. You wanted to do something for yourself, but that thing wasn’t supposed to come with emotional attachments.

You had opened up to him, kissed him just because he looked good, and you were so distraught about going less than forty-eight hours without him that you were sad to see him get on a plane back to his home. This wasn’t supposed to happen, especially with someone who you knew was probably not looking for a relationship. He didn’t seem like the settling down type, and he especially didn’t seem like the kind of guy that was actively looking for the person that he was sleeping with to enter into a relationship with him.

But as you went to sleep that night you couldn’t help the creeping feeling of loneliness that pounded in your head like the rain on your window. Your bed felt empty without him in it, and that thought alone was enough to tell you that you were completely and utterly fucked.

Chapter Text

Roman should be inside of your penthouse in any minute, but you felt like he couldn’t be moving any slower. You had recently learned something that you believed could help your siblings fight back against your father, but you didn’t have enough time to go see them this morning. You needed to be on the plane to Sweden in the next hour, though you really were only going because you wanted to see Lukas.

It was a little bit before six in the morning, the sun faintly peering through the clouds at you as you sat beside your go-bag on the couch. Your hand held your phone, scrolling through some of the pictures that Lukas sent you the day prior. Him working, his dinner. Lately, he’d been sending you a lot of pictures of the food he was eating. It was far preferable to the times he sent you pictures of him in the bathroom, but still odd.

The sound of your door opening had you locking your phone as you turned back to look over at Roman. “You couldn’t have done this in the afternoon?”

“Sorry, time constraints.” You stood up, walking over to him to wrap him in a casual hug. You always hugged your siblings in greeting when you could, despite the fact that he looked like he would rather be in bed than anywhere near you right now.

“Going somewhere?” He asked, pushing your bag over as he sat down next to where you had been sitting. You sat beside him, clearing your throat as you looked over at the bag. Admittedly, you had been packing lighter for your trips to Sweden. The last time you were there, just a few days ago, Lukas had insisted that you bring some things over so you wouldn’t have to pack as much as you were.

“Sweden.”

“Weren’t you just there on Tuesday? What are you doing in Sweden on a Saturday?” It’s been a week since you sat in this very living room with Lukas, but you couldn’t allow Roman to know that Lukas had been anywhere near this apartment. You couldn’t allow anyone to know how close you had gotten with Lukas in recent days, the only thing that you could do was tell him a fabrication of it.

“Yeah, well, Matsson is throwing dad through the wringer.” You responded, shrugging as you leaned back. “Maybe it would be nicer of him to come here instead.”

“Right, okay. What did you have to tell me?” Roman’s skin was a little darker under his eyes, his hair was slightly messy now that you were getting a better look at it. Clearly, you had just woken him up when you called him and asked him to come over.

“Logan’s going to try and take over ATN if the merger goes through.” Roman seemed to perk up at that, sitting up a little straighter as a small smile covered your lips. “That could mean a lot of things, but it’s not good for Tom. I think you should ask Shiv to try and talk to him, explain to him that dad will fuck him over if he feels like he needs to.”

“Shiv’s not really talking to Tom right now.” You’ve seen the tabloids, Tom’s been seen with some new model just about every day. You weren’t sure if he was doing this to get back at Shiv, or if he genuinely enjoyed having so many one-night-stand’s, but you did know that it had to be impacting their relationship. “I bet he’d fuck you, why don’t you talk to Tom?”

“I’m not prostituting myself to Tom to fuck this deal.” You responded, shaking your head at him as he finally broke a smile.

“Why not? Pop some of those buttons open and he’ll be on his knees for you.” He responded, but you merely sighed and glanced down at the time on your phone. “The election’s coming up, maybe Mencken can help.”

“Rome, no offense, but I’m not voting for your fascist friend.” You stated. “Besides, I didn’t even get a chance to speak to him for more than a few seconds in Virginia.”

“Right, but he can stop this deal if we back him.” Roman explained, opening his phone to show you some conversations that he had been having with Mencken. How he planned on backing him was what was baffling you, because you knew that it wasn’t like your siblings had ATN on their side anymore. The power of love and friendship was not going to win the election for anyone, let alone someone like Jeryd Mencken. “Besides, you keep a picture of him on your desk.”

“No, I covered him up with a picture of Kendall.” You were in the photograph in Virginia, standing in between your father and Tom. Your arm was looped with Logan’s, a smile plastered onto your face like you were standing with a group of your best friends. It was nice having Shiv, Tom, Logan and Roman in a picture with you. Naturally, you just cut out some pictures of Kendall and Connor to make it truly look like a family photo.

“Do you understand how fucking creepy that is?”

“It’s not creepy, it’s endearing because of how much I love my family.” You explained, sliding your phone into your pocket as you faced Roman. Your hands were placed on his shoulders while you held his eye contact. “I hate your guy, and I’m not voting for him.”

“You’ll change your mind. For now, I’ll try to get Shiv to talk to Tom.” He stated, standing up but not before pressing a chaste kiss against your forehead. “Consider what I said! Tom will do whatever the fuck you ask.”

“Already forgot it.” You responded, though you couldn’t help but smile. He was constantly saying strangely perverted things, so you couldn’t claim to be surprised at his insinuation that he should fuck Tom. Still, you had places to be and you couldn’t be spending too much time sitting around and thinking about the people who you weren’t fucking. You needed to get to Sweden to think about the person who you were fucking.

Leaving the building that morning felt strangely less freeing than usual. You were excited to see Lukas, you missed him while he was away despite the fact that you’ve remained in constant communication, but you realized a week ago now that there was something more to your relationship than you had initially known about. You wanted to believe that it was pure infatuation, but you couldn’t help yourself from thinking about him every waking moment. When you were working, when you were trying to sleep. It didn’t help that there was a time zone difference between the two of you and that Lukas seemed to never really sleep. You were constantly speaking to him, or looking at pictures he was sending you. There were hardly any moments that you couldn’t reach out to him, and that made it so much worse for you.

As you got onto the jet you opened up your phone, accepting a call from Lukas as you set your bag down in the seat beside you.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you on your way?” He sounded tired, you could hear the familiar sound that his bed made when he crashed on it in the background of his side of the call.

“We’re about to take off.”

“I’m taking a nap, let me know when you get here.”

“Aw, wish I was there. I love watching you sleep.”

“If I didn’t like you I would probably never speak to you again for saying that to me.” He teased, his voice becoming more groggy on the line. “Fortunately, I do.”

“How sweet, I like you too. Talk to you in a while.” You heard him mumble a response, but you really couldn’t make out what it was. He was constantly staying up late and working long hours. Sometimes he crashed when you were there, sometimes he crashed when he was on the phone with you. Sometimes you just went hours without speaking to him and came to understand that he’d fallen asleep at some point. Regardless of how, you always felt bad knowing that he was overworking himself to the point of crashing like he was.

Setting your phone down, you rested your head against the side of the plane as you allowed yourself to drift off as well. It was early when you had to get up and get ready to go see him, it was no wonder why you were so tired. But the constant back and forth between the United States and Sweden was killing you just a little bit.

It was absolutely exhausting. The time difference and the long flight, it felt like you were perpetually jetlagged and if you weren’t so used to being tired from overworking yourself at Waystar you might have cut things off with him because you couldn’t handle it anymore. But it felt worth it, and you were probably just going to get a few tiny hours of sleep if you were to continue your life how it was at home anyway. There was no good reason to stop seeing Lukas, despite how tired you were most of the time.

That tiredness was what kept you fast asleep until you landed in Sweden. The moment you arrived you were heading to see Lukas, texting him to let him know that you were on the way. Lukas was waiting outside for you when you arrived, and he was dressed nicer than he usually was.

Grabbing your bag, you made your way over to him and let it fall onto the ground as you pulled him into a kiss. An arm wrapped around your torso as you leaned into his touch, a small smile covering your lips as his thumb rubbed over your back. “Remember how I asked you to bring something nice?”

“Yeah, I was wondering-”

“We’re going to dinner.” He responded, picking up your bag and bringing you into the house where you could change. “You’ve been over here like seven times now and you haven’t experienced my culture.”

It felt like he was bringing you on a date and teaching you about the Swedish people, but you weren’t going to complain about it. You loved spending time with him, and there was a large part of your brain that seemed to want nothing more than to go on a date with Lukas.

“Give me like… twenty minutes.” You rushed off to one of the bathrooms, quickly changing into the nicer outfit you bought before making yourself look a little more presentable. You considered doing a full face of makeup, but it felt like that would be a bit much. It wasn’t like you were bringing him to a gala, he was bringing you out and the two of you had no official label on your relationship. This may, quite possibly, be the only thing that you’ve ever truly done for yourself. You weren’t going to mess up whatever the two of you have going on just because you were caught in your feelings about the man.

The moment you stepped out of the bathroom you were greeted by Lukas who had seemingly been standing outside waiting for you the entire time. “You clean up nice.” He teased, his thumb brushing over your cheek before he wrapped an arm around your waist and brought you outside.

“Hey, Lukas?”

“Yeah?”

“Where exactly are we going?” You questioned, sliding into the car with him. It was strange, this was something that you had refused him when he was in your city. You would never have let him into your car, but was it because of the cultural difference, or was it because you were far too focused on what your dad thought about you to consider the fact that you were your own person?

“A restaurant, it’s close.” Your hand grazed over his before you wrapped your fingers around it. He reciprocated quickly, your eyes locked on each other as you watched him. “If you don’t want to-”

“I want to, I really want to.” What you should have really wanted to do was save that confession with saying that you only really wanted to because you were so hungry. That you were so starving that you just couldn’t say no to the idea of going out to eat. But you hadn’t really lied to Lukas before, and you had no reason to start now.

Lukas didn’t mind it, though. He didn’t say anything snarky about you being clingy, and he certainly didn’t ask for the car to be turned around because things were going too far. That didn’t mean that he didn’t believe that, you had no idea what he believed. But it had to have meant something, he wouldn’t just pretend to be okay with you wanting to be closer to him because that wouldn’t do anything for him. Especially considering that him taking you out to dinner must mean something, he has to have some desire to be closer to you that he wasn’t making otherwise clear.

You let your head fall against him as you watched out the window, Lukas keeping his eyes trained on greenery outside though his hand tightened in yours. You liked holding his hand, you liked the warmth of it. It was different when you reached out to cling to your siblings, when you would hold Kendall’s hand when you were scared that your father was going to be angry with you over something. When you would find Roman with a bruise and sit there holding onto his hand like he was going to die if you weren’t with him. This wasn’t you seeking comfort, it was you seeking closeness. Lukas, as surprising as it was to you, didn’t seem to have a problem with providing this closeness to you.

“We’re here.” It was a short trip, he was right when he said that it was only a few minutes away. He told his driver what time to pick you both up, leaving you an hour and a half to spend time together at the restaurant before you had to head back. But you still had two more days with him here, you really weren’t concerned with how much time you spent at this restaurant. You would be able to go back to his home and sleep for a while afterwards, for the first time, it felt like you had nothing but time to be together.

“Do you come here a lot?” You asked, walking into the restaurant with him. He wrapped an arm around your waist and held your body against his, smiling at the hostess in the door and explaining that he had a reservation for the two of you. You both followed her, taking your table and requesting your drink while the only thing you could think of as you sat down was how much you missed when he was touching you just moments ago. You wanted to reach across the table and hold his hand, to be comfortable telling him that you had been thinking more about whether or not this arrangement was purely carnal. The more you thought, though, the more you realized that you couldn’t do something like that.

“Sometimes. I mainly come here when I’m bored. Or I have someone come get me something.” He explained, shrugging. It dawned on you that you’d never met any of the people that worked for him, despite the fact that they should probably be in his home.

“How come I never meet your employees?” You questioned, trying to make sense of the menu that had been placed in front of you. Unsurprisingly, it was mainly in Swedish. You had no idea what you were reading, or what kind of food was being served in this restaurant, but you would take being confused if it meant that you were going to be able to hang out with Lukas outside of your homes.

“Which- I’m sure you’ve met them before.”

“I’ve only met your driver, I’m pretty sure.” In the amount of time since you had met Lukas, you had never once seen him stutter. It was definitely strange seeing that kind of reaction from him, but you weren’t really given enough time to think about that as he grabbed the menu from your hands. “Hey!”

“Could you read it?”

“No, but. You know. I could learn.” He glanced at you, his eyebrows raised in question as you looked from the menu to him. “I’m just saying, I’m here a lot so I might as well learn the language.”

Most of the people you had met here spoke English. Again, however, you had only met two or three people who inhabited this part of Sweden. You didn’t know if the rest of the people here spoke English, and you figured it would be good for you to learn at some point. “You want to learn Swedish?”

“Why not?”

“I can teach you. I’m pretty good at Swedish.” He responded, his accent thick enough in that moment that you could tell he was making it thicker just to make you smile. “Let me show you the dishes first.”

He was being so gentle with you. You knew that gentleness wasn’t going to last, it never really did. But for the time being, you liked leaning over the table and going over each and every thing that you asked about. He liked having you closer, giving you recommendations and sharing something so personal with you. It felt like there was nobody else in the room but the two of you. But you weren’t alone. You were surrounded by people, and you both needed to try understanding a little better that you were going to look like an actual couple if you carried on like this.

The more dominant part of your brain didn’t care, and as you felt his knee graze yours and your stomach be bombarded with butterflies, that part of your brain won. You weren’t going to stop being close to him just because people could see you, what was the worst that could happen?

“Why does no one here have their cameras out?”

“Because we’re more respectful than your kind.” He responded, shrugging but smiling ever-so-gently at the faux-offended look that covered your face. “No offense.”

“You’re lucky you’re so pretty.” You responded, allowing yourself to smile a bit as he widely grinned at your response. After a moment, you heard someone beside you both clearing their throat. You both glanced over, and had you been a bit more observant of him at that moment you might have been able to see that he seemed a little upset that the two of you had been interrupted.

Regardless, he helped you order your food (though, you really didn’t need any help since the waiter spoke English) before turning back to look at you. “How’s Waystar?”

It wasn’t often that the two of you actually used these meetings to discuss business, but this was still something that interested him so you couldn’t just write off the idea of speaking to him about it completely. “My dad’s sold on the deal, I think he wants a little more money for it though. He’s thinking about staying at ATN, he’s going to ask you about that next time you talk to him.”

“What happens to… the fuck is his name? Tom?”

“Tom… I don’t know, he’ll probably stay at ATN.” You were a little more open with Lukas about everything, he had no reason not to know. “My siblings still want to kill the deal.”

“And? Are you still giving them information?” That was the thing, Lukas knew that you were helping your siblings, you’d admitted it to him a few weeks ago and he wasn’t surprised or bothered by it. He seems very confident in his abilities, perhaps too confident, so he wasn’t worried about your siblings ruining things for him from the outside.

“Obviously. But I don’t think they’re going to be able to stop the deal anymore.” You admitted, taking a sip of your water. His eyes were so piercing and blue, but his gaze was usually softer with you than it was with other people. Maybe because he knew that you were used to the hard gaze of your father, maybe he knew that you would shut down if he didn’t give you the softness that you needed.

“Do you want them to stop it?” Lukas knew that you weren’t really playing both sides because you cared that much about what it was that your siblings wanted. You were playing both sides because you didn’t want them to be angry with you, because you loved them and you knew how much Logan and Caroline had hurt them a month ago. You were helping them because they were your siblings.

“Not really.” You hadn’t spoken the idea that you didn’t want them to win into existence, truthfully you were fighting the thoughts of it. “I… um. Once this deal goes through- once, uh, what happens?”

“With us?”

“Yeah, with us.”

“Whatever you want to happen.”

“It’s just I’ll have more freedom, you know? So I don’t have to hide from my dad anymore if you take over.” You didn’t know how to say what you were trying to say without admitting that you had feelings for Lukas. Telling him that you wanted him in charge of the company because you didn’t have to hide from your dad meant many things, but he knew that you meant in reference to the two of you. “It’s just that I don’t really have any friends, I guess. You’re like the only person that I talk to that isn’t related to me or working for my dad. I like… I would like to not lie about it, or whatever.”

You never really got to make friends growing up, at least not friends who lasted. People didn’t understand what you were going through, they didn’t understand why you made yourself emotionless and a lot of them tended to see you as mean. As you got older, you started showing your emotions a little more but the moment you brought a friend home they saw the shell of you, the version of you that was scared into submission and compliance by your father. They stopped talking to you a lot after that, after you’d make biting insults towards them to please your father. It was an endless cycle, Lukas seemed to be the only person to ever break the mold.

“Here’s the thing,” You were ready for him to let you down easily, his hand reaching over to grab your fidgeting fingers and stop you from tapping so aggressively on your glass of water. “I’m going to need someone from Waystar here with me to help me run operations. You’re already Chief Operating Officer… it wouldn’t be much of a change.”

Oh. He wasn’t letting you down easily, he was asking you to help him run the company and come live with him in Sweden. That was a far cry from what you were expecting, and a bit of a shock considering that the two of you were not technically dating. “I’d have to leave my disgusting city and pet rats?”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine without you.”

“Can I… can I think about it?” You wanted to say yes, you wanted to say yes so badly and you were pretty sure that he could tell from the look on your face. But you couldn’t just drop everything and come live with him the second the deal went through, but why not? What was important to you was running the business, and you were rich enough that you could fly back and see your family. You wanted that success, you wanted to make your father proud, and this was going to make him proud. “Actually, no, I thought about it. Yes, my answer is yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah, yes. Where would I be… um, staying?”

“With me.” You already have things at his house, belongings that you’ve been keeping there for a few days now because he doesn’t want you to have to pack a million things with you when you travel to see him. It was like moving your toothbrush in before going all the way, but how could you go all the way when you’d only been sleeping together for a month and you couldn’t even call him your boyfriend?

“What about your elusive staff?”

“You’re just going to have to meet them.” There was something in his tone that he wasn’t explaining. Why didn’t he want you to meet the people that worked for him? Of all things, why was it such a big deal that he needed to wait until you quite literally had to meet them because you were living with him.

“And… when?”

“I don’t know, in the next year, probably?”

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, that’s the move then.” You didn’t need to become CEO, you never really thought that you would to begin with. Remaining COO and working directly with Lukas in Sweden wasn’t a step down from your position, but it was a step away from the life that you knew. You weren’t sure if this deal was truly going to go through, maybe your siblings could convince people to shy away from voting for it. But you wanted this, you wanted to be here with him, to have the power you always wanted not just be given to you as a stand-in for your brother.

Lukas was offering you everything that your father had continually refused you, and it came with the added perk of continuing to sleep with him whenever you wanted without people knowing about your intimacy, despite the fact that there was no label on your relationship.

You wanted to ask him about that, to question what was going on with the two of you and come to understand whether this was something. But the moment you opened your mouth to speak, the food was brought to you, and whatever serious conversation that the two of you were having was lost. You could see the shift in his eyes, and you just needed to come to terms with the fact that it might be a while before the two of you could actually speak about that. It had only been a month, though. Maybe it was too soon for you to be worrying about the nature of your relationship.

“Do you think your dad’s caught on yet?” Lukas asked, taking a bite of his food as he watched you try your own. He watched you with great intrigue, but the satisfied look on your face as you tasted it made him smile.

“To… to us?” You asked, your eyebrows furrowing together. He could mean that in reference to your relations, but he could also mean it in reference to you providing information to your siblings regarding the deal. Either way, there were a considerable number of things that you were trying to keep from Logan Roy.

“Yeah, that we’re not doing business here?”

“I mean, we just did business.” You responded, but you knew that wasn’t what he meant. “But, honestly? I don’t know. He probably has, we’re together more often than not.”

“And he hasn’t said anything about it?” He questioned, curiosity seeping through his voice as he spoke. This entire time you’d been telling him that it would be a big deal if Logan found out that something was going on between the two of you, but now you were implying that he probably knew and that nothing had changed. Of course he would be curious about them, but to you it was nothing.

“My dad is a cruel, calculating man. If he knows he’s going to wait until he believes he can use it against me to let me know.” You responded. It was nothing to you because you knew your father, you grew up with him and you knew how he operated. He would use this against you when he was good and ready, but for now he had no reason to. “I’m helping this deal in his eyes, like I’m eye candy for you or something.”

“Do you think he knew from the beginning?”

“Why are you so serious tonight, Lukas?” You asked, your eyes locked on his as you tried your best to read him. He was never this serious with you before, was it because you opened up to him about your mother? Was he feeling the pressure of the relationship evolving into something different and reacting to it in a more intense way than you were? With a sigh, you answered his question regardless. “I don’t think he knew we fucked the first time, I think he knew you wanted to fuck me but he probably expected better from me.”

He didn’t answer your question, but you didn’t expect him to. He took his phone out for a moment, but you could see him scrolling through his calendar so you didn’t feel offended by it. He tapped on a date and held his phone out for you. “Are you busy?”

“That’s a month from now, I’m sure I can clear up my schedule.” It was a party, some friends' wedding that he was inviting you to. You wanted to ask him if this was him asking you out on an actual date, if what was happening over dinner right now was an actual date. The question was on the tip of your tongue, just begging for you to do something or say something. But you couldn’t get it out. If he said no you would be humiliated, everything you had with him would be lost and you would be alone again. Even if he didn’t break things off because you wanted something more and he didn’t, you wouldn’t be able to face him again after the rejection. “What’s the dress code?”

“I don’t know, that shit you wear to those stupid fucking dinners.” Ah, so it was a classy event.

“Am I coming to the wedding or just the reception?”

“The wedding.” How were you going to explain this away to anyone? There were going to be pictures of the event, pictures of the two of you together, holding hands and sitting together like you were in a relationship. Business partners don’t invite each other to a wedding like he was, which meant… “Your siblings are going to find out.”

“I know.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“I mean, we can’t keep this charade up for another month anyway so what’s the big deal? Roman was questioning me about it earlier.” Logan had to have known by now, he was observant and smart and not the type of person to let something like this go undetected. If he didn’t know, he was going to know soon. Was Lukas asking you to this event because you both shared a mutual understanding at this point that Logan probably knew? Because he knew that there was no longer any reason to hide something that assuredly everyone in your life knew about?

“Perfect, I really wanna fuck you at a wedding.”

“Oddly specific fantasy, but it sounds hot so I’m down. Oh, are you going to wear a suit?” His nod caused a big smile to pop up on your face, he’s going to look absolutely amazing in a suit and knowing that you got to be on his hip all night while he was wearing it was making you feel a little giddy inside.

The two of you finished your food before heading back to his home. He let you lean your head on his shoulder again until he realized that you were starting to fall asleep and woke you up. “Did you not sleep on the plane ride?”

“I did, I’m just jet lagged. I think I’m going to be jet lagged for the rest of my life.” You responded, watching as the car pulled up to his house and walking in with him. You wouldn’t have to worry about that once this deal went through, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything that was bothering you once this deal went through.

“Well, I wanted to fuck you but… we have time.” You were staying for the next two days, there was no reason why the two of you couldn’t just fuck in the morning. In fact, it would be nice to do it in the morning for the first time considering that it was typically seen as a little more intimate than anything else. “First, we need to communicate with your father.”

Right, Logan wanted you to send him an email about what was going on in Sweden this time around. Lukas helped you explain what you’d discussed at dinner, and you couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling that you were making your father proud as you sent him the email. Lukas wanted you to see the company through the merger, and Logan was finally going to see you for the value that you provided him and Waystar.

“Bed?” You asked, letting him wrap an arm around you as he brought you into the bedroom. It felt too domestic, changing into the pajama shorts you were keeping at his house and into one of his shirts. It felt like you were in a genuine relationship and coming home together after a date, but this was what you wanted, and you weren’t going to shut it down just because you didn’t know if it was what he wanted as well.

You didn’t bother taking turns brushing your teeth, you let him watch you while you washed your face and put your moisturizer on. It was incredibly domestic, but it didn’t feel like it was too much. It felt right falling into bed with him, your head pressed in the crook of his neck and his arms wrapped around you. It felt natural to be with him like this, even if there was something abnormal about it.

Whether it be hiding the relationship from your family, or the fact that you weren’t technically in a relationship with a name, or the difference in age. There was a plethora of different things that made your relationship with Lukas unorthodox, but maybe that strangeness was what made it work so well. Maybe what could be seen as flaws in your relationship, whatever it may be, was what made you feel so comfortable opening up to him.

By the time you woke up you could hear vibrations coming from the night stand, your hand smacking at your phone before you saw the name on the screen. “Shit, why the fuck is my dad calling?”

“What?” Lukas was groggy, he clearly had just woken up at the sound of you speaking and hitting his nightstand. The call rang out and you opened your phone to see the text message.

“Fucking asshole, he needs me home tonight. He said three days was fine.” You responded all the same, telling him that you would be home in the next few hours. “He knows, he has to know.”

“Want me to kill him?” He teased, his face pressed into the pillow yours was on as you turned to look over at him. Oh god, you really wanted to stay for the next few days.

“Please.” You weren’t serious, you couldn’t imagine a life without your father. But you wanted to pretend that you could, that maybe you would be happy if the only man in your life besides your siblings was Lukas. But how could Lukas be the only man in your life if you were technically just fuckbuddies who liked to share a good cuddle and offer each other to move in together within the next year?

With a sigh, you leaned forward and placed a kiss against his nose before getting up. “You’re actually leaving?”

“I’m gonna have coffee first.” You responded, stumbling to the kitchen and grabbing yourself a mug. Lukas didn’t really care what you did in his kitchen, it wasn’t like he used it very much anyway. He let you keep creamer for your coffee here, it felt like you were pretty much living together when you were here already but a dose of reality often brought you back. You weren’t living together, and you needed to face the music.

Leaning over the counter, you started brewing a cup of coffee as you pressed your forehead against it. Lukas came up behind you, his arms around your waist as you perked up to look at him. “Doesn’t mean we don’t have time, does it?”

“I have to go-”

“We can be quick, just like the first time.” You couldn’t say no to him, you didn’t know when the next day you would see him again was and you wanted to have him inside of you. You wanted to kiss him and touch him and be with him in every sense of the word and you just couldn’t stop yourself from nodding.

“Yeah, okay, but I’ve got to be out of here in an hour before my dad drops me off in the Hudson.” Lukas smiled and pressed a kiss to your mouth, your body pushed tighter against the cupboard as his hands roamed down your hips. He tugged the shorts down, letting you kick them off as he parted your legs with his hand.

Lukas’ fingers dipped between your thighs, his middle finger pressed against your clit for a brief moment before he pushed two fingers inside of you. A whine escaped your mouth, your body leaning into his as best as you could as he broke the kiss.

“What am I supposed to do without you here? Why don’t you tell your father to go fuck himself?”

“I can’t do that- fucking to though.” You wanted so badly to stay here, especially as you felt how wet he was making you. You wanted him badly, you always wanted him badly. But it wasn’t entirely carnal, as much as you wished that it was. You wanted more than that, and that was just going to have to be part of the problem until the two of you could find a way to sort it out together.

Lukas didn’t waste much more time as he pulled his fingers out of you, pushing them inside of your mouth as he pulled his cock from his pants. He pushed inside of you in one swift motion, your fingers squeezing the counter as you let him fuck you without much thought.

It was interesting to you how there was no label on your relationship, but something about how he always felt more interested in not using a condom told you that there had to be more to it. Why was the man so possessive to the point that he had little to no regard for safety? Sure, you were on birth control, but that didn’t always work. Did he know that, was he trying to make sure that you were his? Or was he just reckless?

“You feel so fucking good, you know that?” He asked, his lips attaching to your neck as he bit down on your skin. He was biting you in a risky area, directly below your jawline, but you were too lost in the feeling of him thrusting inside of you to think twice about it.

“I- fuck, I think I have some idea.” He grinned against your throat, taking your skin between his lips and applying enough pressure that you should have been stopping him. You should have known that he was going to leave a mark, questioned why he would do something like that. But you didn’t, you liked the feeling of it. You liked taking a risk like that. Even if wearing turtlenecks or concealer all week long was going to be annoying.

He grabbed at your hips as you pressed your back firmly against his, Lukas wrapping an arm around you as he held you up. You felt yourself growing closer, your brain being consumed by nothing other than pleasure as you came around him. Lukas, however, changed things up as he pulled out of you and urged you down onto your knees. You allowed him to cum in your mouth, to lean down and stick his thumb against your lips to make sure that you swallowed it. Something about the pride in his eyes when you did made you feel that validation that you were always craving.

You pulled your shorts back on as you grabbed your cup of coffee, Lukas making sure that you stayed upright as you finished putting creamer in it before sitting down beside him at the kitchen counter.

“Can you come back on Wednesday?”

“I don’t know anymore, not with the way my dad’s acting.” Logan knew that the two of you were together at this point, there was no way that he didn’t. He knew that you weren’t doing anything serious over here, he was so focused on the deal that he would never pull you out of Sweden if he thought that you were actually doing anything beneficial. Maybe it was the fact that Lukas wanted you to work with him in Sweden if and when the deal went through, or maybe it was the frequent visits. But you didn’t see a world in which you hadn’t given yourselves away.

“I’ll take care of that.”

You wanted to believe him, but even as you grabbed onto his hand and pulled him into a gentle kiss, you weren’t sure if you could. Everything was a mess now, you knew that you were coming home to a dumpster fire from the message that your father had sent you.

On the plane ride home you received a call from Lukas. He claimed he was lonely, that he needed someone to talk to and that he believed that person needed to be you. The entire plane ride you were on FaceTime with him, watching him work and listening to him vent. It felt like you were becoming fused at the hip, and you were beyond pleased by it. You couldn’t help the way that you watched him, the lovestruck gaze in your eyes while he did menial tasks.

At this point, you were positive that you had feelings for him, feeling that you couldn’t pretend didn’t exist any longer. The only thing you could do was hope that he either felt the same way, or that you could keep your first secret from him.

Chapter Text

It’s been a month since you realized that your father found out that you were in some sort of entanglement with Lukas. In that month, you’ve had zero conversations with him about it. You’d expected to have an earful when you got home, to have him calling you all types of horrible names. But you didn’t get that, he didn’t even bring it up. It felt like he didn’t know, like you had been overreacting to him asking you to come home. But that couldn’t be the case, because if he was as interested in this deal as he claimed to be he wouldn’t be keeping you home and stopping you from making sure it went through as much as he was.

Since that day he made you come home for the first time he’s blocked just about every request that yourself and Lukas have made for you to go to Sweden. No amount of threatening to end the deal from Lukas has changed his mind, but not once has he insinuated that he’s aware that the two of you were entangled in some way.

Four times. You’ve been to Sweden four times in the last four weeks and two of them were the same week. Lukas wouldn’t stand for that, and you wouldn’t either, so he’s been coming to New York to stay with you. The first time he just stayed in your penthouse, but that weekend the two of you decided to branch out and use one of Logan’s many forgotten summer homes as a place for you two to stay. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city, away from the watchful gaze of your family and the media, and completely alone with Lukas.

The only times you could go there with him were the weekends, considering that you still needed to go to work during the week. But on those weekends you felt truly free, like you were in this sort of grace period despite the fact that you were both acutely aware that your father knew about your relationship. He hadn’t said anything about it because he, presumably, was waiting for you to break. It felt like some sort of psychological warfare where he wanted to make you admit you were sleeping with Lukas before he scolded you. But you weren’t going to break first, you were going to take the punishment like the strong, independent woman you were and sit on the phone with Lukas every single night that you couldn’t be together because you couldn’t stand not seeing him.

Today was different. It was a Friday, but he wasn’t coming over after you finished work to whisk you away to a summer home in Massachusetts. You were going to Sweden tonight, but for now you were meeting your siblings to come clean about your fornications with Lukas.

The next day you would be attending a wedding with him, a wedding where pictures would be taken and if you two just happened to be unlucky enough to be in them they could get back around to you. Where Gerri and Karolina could help you keep these pictures from surfacing in the media, everyone in your family and in the company would find out that you weren’t going to see Lukas for business. The two of you had mutually agreed that it would be better if you told them in person just in case the pictures were shown to them. It felt wrong to have them find out from a third party, despite the fact that you had no official label on the relationship that you had with Lukas.

There was an unfortunate truth to your relationship with him. You couldn’t deny that your feelings for him went beyond a crush, that they went beyond how you felt about a friend who frequently rearranged your guts. You knew you loved him. Maybe your brain was rushing into it, maybe it was foolish to be in love with someone who you had only been messing around with for two months. But something about him was different.

Maybe it was because you spoke every day. Maybe it was because he called you when he was bored and never made you feel uninvolved in his life despite the difference in location. The reasoning for why you loved him didn’t really matter, it wasn’t like understanding it would change how you felt in any way. What mattered was that you wanted to be with him whenever you weren’t, that you yearned for him despite the fact that he was constantly speaking to you. But the most glaringly obvious issue was that you hated that you had no idea how he felt about you.

To be clear, Lukas clearly liked you. He never stopped talking to you and got exceptionally pouty if you didn’t respond to him within ten minutes. You could be in the middle of a meeting and would have Lukas blowing up your phone because he thinks you’re ignoring him, he clearly has some sort of positive feeling toward you. But what that feeling was, you were unsure. You knew that your siblings were going to single in on that, among other things.

As you sit at a small table in the corner of a nice restaurant, you can’t help the way you nurse your Mimosa as Connor, Kendall, Roman and Shiv stare you down and try to figure out why you had gathered them here today.

“I’m just going to say it, I’m fucking Matsson.”

“I’m sorry?” Shiv leaned forward, Kendall setting his drink down as Connor glanced between the four of you with a confused look on his face.

“Who?”

“The guy dad’s selling Waystar to.” Kendall answered, his eyes roaming over your face for any detection of a lie. “Are you- are you joking? Is this real?”

“Very real, we’ve been… um… entangled for two months.” You responded, turning to glare at a laughing Roman.

“Didn’t know you liked older men.”

“Didn’t you just get in trouble for sending Gerri your dick?” You responded, raising your eyebrows as he stopped laughing.

“No offense, but how do you know he’s not using you?” Kendall chimed in. You hadn’t noticed how genuinely concerned he looked until now, which was when you turned to look around at your other siblings.

“Ken’s right. He’s almost twice your age and he’s literally trying to buy dad’s company.” Shiv responded, but Connor didn’t seem to mind it very much. He wouldn’t. He had a much younger fiance and no real stake in the company so you doubted that he would have much of an opinion on your relationship with someone that he’d never met before.

“I don’t think he is.” You responded, shrugging your shoulders as you drank from your glass. “I’m only telling you today because he wants me to go to some wedding with him tomorrow and there’s probably going to be pictures.”

“So dad knows?” Roman seemed more surprised than the other four, he assumed that he would have heard something about it if you were fucking Lukas behind their backs.

“I don’t know what dad’s playing at. He knows, he won’t bring it up though. I think he’s trying to gaslight me.” You responded, setting your glass down on the table and folding them over each other. “He won’t let me go to Sweden as much as I was before.”

“Oh, you little liar. I thought those were business trips?” Roman was the only one who you’d actually lied to about it, so you expected him to call you out. Especially considering the fact that he was one of the few people in your life that you’d gone out of your way to never lie to. “I didn’t think you guys would approve.”

“We don’t.” Kendall responded, though his tone wasn’t abrasive. He was being gentle about it, his hand reaching over to cover yours as you looked over at him. “He’s an asshole, he’s going to hurt you.”

“Then that’s my mistake to make, you can’t protect me from the world forever.” You responded, turning to look over at Connor who had been eerily silent.

“I think she’s right.” He finally responded, setting his phone down as he looked at his incredulous siblings.”She’s an adult now, just because we all changed her diapers doesn’t mean she can’t make her own decisions.”

“Do you care about him or is it just sex?” Shiv spoke up, though you expected her to be the one person to ask about that. As much as the two of you tried to fit in with the guys, it was hard to do so when the guys believed that there was no time for emotions in their lives. She was the only one that really understood you couldn’t just turn those off, especially since she was the one that was closest to you in age.

“I care about him, I wouldn’t haul ass to Sweden every chance I get if I didn’t. And he comes to see me too, he comes here a lot, actually.” You pulled out your phone, holding out your extensive call-log so they could see how much the two of you talked - and how infrequently it was you that called him. “I know you don’t like him, but he does care about me. I think.”

“When did it start?” Roman questioned, a more concerned look on his face now than before. Roman was, admittedly, your favorite sibling. Maybe it was because Logan paired the two of you up to work together, but more than likely it was just because he would giggle on the sidelines with you while you both created chaos. You were the one hyping up his ill-fated rocket launch, and you heavily considered him to be your best friend. Of course he was concerned for you once he realized it was somewhat serious.

“Remember when we went to see him after Caroline’s wedding?”

“Oh my god-”

“So dad pimped you out?” Kendall asked, both him and Shiv sharing an incredibly concerned and moderately angry glance as you shook your head.

“I think, a little bit. But I think he thought he raised me a little better than to actually fuck Lukas.” You didn’t need to get into the detail that you only wanted to fuck him that day because you had him flirting with you on the phone the night before, there was no need for the dirty specifics when you could just tell them the truth without them. “You don’t have to be okay with it, but you have to understand that he makes me happy.”

“Do you love him?” Connor was the one to ask, Shiv shaking her head at him.

“Obviously she doesn’t love him.”

“No, Connor’s right. I do love him.” It was the first time you said it outloud, and you remembered Kendall was holding your hand as he squeezed it in his. You turned to look at him, his eyes soft as if he was trying to convince you to stop seeing Lukas with them.

“If he hurts you just remember that I have second amendment rights.” Connor commented, your gaze focusing on him before you sighed.

“Listen-”

“Have fun with him, but if he hurts you make sure that deal’s fucking dead. It was dad’s mistake to assume you wouldn’t fuck him, he can pay for it if he needs to.” Kendall was the second one to give in to your relationship and the fact that he couldn’t stop it, but neither Shiv nor Roman seemed overly convinced.

Shiv had seen you at your worst, more than your brothers had. She was the one you went to when you were scared of the thunder, the one that held your hand under the blankets during scary movies. Roman was a close second, but Roman and Kendall moved out. Shiv was only a few years younger than you, and she understood more than anyone why you didn’t like showing as much vulnerability around the boys. She had an understandably concerned look on her face, but she also understood more than the boys in your lives that nothing they did or said could stop you.

“Make sure he cares about you.” Was the only advice she could offer, but you knew how touchy of a subject that was for her. Her relationship problems with Tom were incredibly public, and people recently had been dragging her through the mud because of them.

“That man is incapable of love but… I guess I believe in you.” Roman seemed the least okay with it out of everyone, but there was nothing he really could do or say to stop you from sleeping with Lukas.

The rest of the brunch went off how any other brunch with your siblings would go. The topic shifted to business and you did your best to report back to them what was going on in the company. Connor didn’t seem very interested in this conversation so he shifted the topic to his upcoming wedding and the plans that he was making for it. Though your siblings didn’t seem awfully interested in this, it was going to be the first sibling wedding that you were old enough to really be a part of the planning for.

When Rava and Kendall got married you weren’t even a teenager, you didn’t really get to help plan anything but Kendall did let you be the flower girl. You were a little old for a flower girl, but you insisted and he was glad that you convinced the people there to choose some of the music he liked for the playlist (by crying and begging) so he let you do it despite that. Who else was he going to get for it anyway?

Shiv and Tom’s wedding was… different. They got married rather quickly and it felt more forced by Tom than anything. Shiv primarily let Logan plan it with a few of her own details and wedding planners, so there wasn’t much input for you to give. Plus, you were all incredibly worried about Logan at the time since it was coming so shortly after his health scare, so it put a damper on your excitement when you were wondering if your father was even going to make it to the wedding date. Still, you were friends with Tom so you were happy to make sure that he fit in with the family as well as he could.

To say you were excited was an understatement, but the wedding was still two months away and there wasn’t much planning that you were particularly involved in. Still, you got to share your ideas with him and he didn’t take issue with any of them. Connor liked that you wanted to be involved, though he refrained from questioning when you were going to get married. It wasn’t like he could ask Roman, who had commitment issues, so you were either discussing his wedding or discussing business. Either way, there was no more talk about yourself and Lukas.

By the time you were all ready to go everyone had seemingly moved on from the topic of you, giving you hugs and kisses on the cheek on your way out. It was nice to have all of you together, it was so rare to have a room full of Roy children so being able to arrange this (despite being nervous about the subject matter) made you feel a bit warm inside.

“If you need anything, call me.” Kendall was the one to walk you outside, your arms linked like you were about to skip down the Yellow Brick Road. He typically took over the big brother role for all of you, despite technically being the second oldest. Though he had his short-comings, you were never under the impression that Kendall didn’t love you.

“Ken, honey, you know I’m gonna call you anyway.” You smiled as you turned to look at him, reaching up to pinch his cheeks as he lightly swatted your hands away. Though he wanted to look annoyed at you, there was a slight smile on his lips - you always enjoyed filling the annoying little sister role when he let you.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to you in a few hours.” You bid a farewell to each other as you got into your car, returning home and finishing up packing for your trip. You were supposed to be leaving later in the evening, it initial thought was that you would leave after the business day because you presumed you would be working, but when you explained that you were taking a lunch break with your siblings Logan thought you should take the rest of the day, specifically asking you to get some information from them in the process. Of course, you would bullshit him with what little information you thought wouldn’t harm them, but you would give him enough that he wouldn’t regret giving you the afternoon off.

Still, you were meant to arrive at Lukas’ house in the early morning and spend that time getting ready to go, though you were planning on being incredibly tired since you never really got a good sleep while you were flying. The time difference was strenuous, and it did partially help that you weren’t flying over to Sweden as much as you were, but you didn’t regret making the flight.

As you got into the jet, you quickly opened up your phone to a missed call from Lukas. Settling into your seat, you returned the call and were met with an image of his face while you sat on the plane. “What’s up?”

“Are you on the plane?”

“Yeah, just got on the plane.” You responded, removing your coat as you leaned back in your chair. “I told my siblings.”

“Okay. Okay, good. How did they… how did they take it?” He didn’t seem particularly nervous, though you were sure that there was some of that there. Afterall, you loved your siblings more than anything and would cut someone off of them, but if you were on the plane to see him you clearly weren’t making that decision right now.

“Fine, I think. Nobody forbid me from getting on the plane.” You responded, setting your phone down as you took your laptop out of your bag. Lukas never really minded when you did work while you were on the phone with him, though he did pout if you were paying too little attention to him. “I think they’re fine with it, Connor was the most fine with it.”

Them being fine with it was a bit of an exaggeration. They would obviously rather you not be seeing Lukas, but they’re under the correct assumption that there’s nothing they can do about it. “I have something I need to talk to you about.”

He sounded more serious than usual, you quickly picked up the phone so you could look at him. He looked a bit nervous, what was going on that would make him so nervous? “What’s up?”

“It’s…” He ran his fingers through his hair, his head hitting the pillow behind him as you realized that he was actually going to bed at an appropriate time for once. “It would be better if I told you in person.”

“Lukas Matsson you can not let me be nervous about this for the next eight hours.”

“It’s nothing to do with you, if that helps.” It really didn’t help that much, but at the very least it didn’t make you feel like he was going to break up with you the second you landed. “I’m going to sleep, I’ll see you in eight hours.”

“Yeah, eight hours. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight if you get any sleep. You should get some sleep.”

“I will, I just need to send out a few emails.” You reassured him, sending him a smile before waving and ending the call. You had no idea what he could possibly want to speak to you about, and you knew that it was going to weigh heavy on your mind until you got to see him. He didn’t seem like the type to call you over and then break up with you, especially since there were no issues in your relationship to begin with outside of the optics once people found out about it. You were dumbfounded as to why he would be so nervous to tell you something since he never seemed particularly nervous about anything, but you didn’t want to let it bother you. If it wasn’t on you, you assumed it just had something to do with him. Maybe it was his elusive past that he never wanted to talk about because it was upsetting for him, or maybe he wanted to pull out of the deal and he thought it would be better to discuss that in person with you.

Regardless, there was nothing you could do about it in the meantime. If you thought about it for too long you were going to end up having the plane turned around so you could just go home and never speak to him about this again, and you didn’t want to do that. So, you sucked it up and sent out the emails you needed to send out of the reports from the day before snapping your laptop shut and walking to the area of the plane that contained a small bed.

It was always nicer to be able to take your own plane here rather than Lukas’. As nice as his plane was, Logan wanted only the best for his family and invested in a plane with a bed. It might not have been important during the rest of your travels, but it was important when you were flying eight hours to Sweden in the middle of the night. Sure, it wasn’t as comfortable as the bed in your home and the slight turbulence always woke you up with the fear that you were falling to the ground, but it was better than trying to sleep sitting up in one of the plane chairs.

By the time you landed you were feeling somewhat rested, but it was better than nothing. You were quick to grab your things and head out, getting in the car that was waiting for you and sitting back. You sent a text to Lukas letting him know that you were on the way, and he responded with a simple picture of him sitting in his kitchen with a cup of coffee and an ever-so-slight smile on his face. You really couldn’t figure out why he enjoyed sending pictures of himself to you so much, but you were at the point that you wanted to start a scrapbook of them.

It didn’t take very long for you to arrive at his house, it never did. It all feels so familiar now, there was nothing particularly new or exciting about seeing the sights or experiencing the new smells. You had been here too many times for it to feel new to you, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t feel exciting. Making your way inside, you dropped your bags off and moved into the kitchen where you knew Lukas was.

“How was your flight?” He asked, pushing over a mug filled with coffee to you. Leaning down, you pressed a kiss to his cheek before sitting beside him. Lukas grabbed your hand, he had figured out over time how much you liked holding hands with people. It was almost like a love language for you. Whether it be holding hands with him, or holding hands with your siblings. You were constantly trying to hold hands with someone, but that didn’t make it inherently romantic. Assuredly, if you ever decided to work out your childhood trauma in therapy you would probably figure out very quickly that holding hands for comfort was a response to doing the same thing with your older siblings growing up but who had time for psychoanalysis?

“It was fine, I guess. Not the most comfortable bed in the world and the blankets aren’t very warm.” You took a sip of your coffee, how he had managed to figure out just how you liked it was intriguing to you, but that wasn’t what you were mainly concerned with. “Thank you for the coffee. But, um, what did you need to talk to me about?”

“Right.” He set his cup down, his eyes averting from yours as he rubbed his thumb over your knuckles. “You asked me why you haven’t met my staff a while ago.”

“Yeah. What about it?”

“So, I don’t really know how to explain this, but they’re going to be at the wedding.” Your eyebrows furrowed as you watched him stumble around trying to get out whatever it was he was trying to admit to you. It felt like when you were younger and had to cover for Roman whenever he did anything, just stumbling to get something out that would barely come. “I had a… thing with one of them.”

“A thing?”

“Ebba, I slept with her a few times. Well, more than a few.”

“So you’re just letting me know we’re not exclusive?” It hurt, obviously. You hadn’t slept with anyone since you started sleeping with Lukas - you really hadn’t even looked at anyone else since you started sleeping with Lukas. You knew that you never broached the subject of exclusivity with him, but that didn’t mean that you weren’t hoping that he wanted it just as much as you did.

“No. We are, I think. I haven’t slept with her since I started… since this started.” You were exclusive? Did he just say that outloud? “I sent her my blood.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah. My blood. I thought it was funny.”

“Did she think it was funny?”

“Not really. But her reactions were funny, but I haven’t really done that in a while.”

“How long is a while? How much blood have you sent her?” You were… concerned. Why was he sending people his blood?

“I don’t know, a few bags. Probably… probably like three months ago.” Three months ago. You’d started sleeping with him two months ago. “If you want to leave-”

“I don’t.” Your reaction was a little too fast, maybe you should be thinking through not leaving someone who just told you that they were sending people who worked for him bags of his blood and sleeping with them. There was a part of you that didn’t know if you believed him. You hadn’t spoken about exclusivity with him before and he was only just now telling you this after keeping you from his staff for months. But you wanted to believe him, you wanted so badly to believe that this was something. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.” He leaned forward, your eyes holding his as you tried not to back down from just asking the question. It needed to happen, you couldn’t go on with curiosity brewing inside of you.

“Are we… what are we? What are we doing here?” Your siblings were so sure that Lukas didn’t care about you, and now he was telling you that he was sending someone bags of his blood. You couldn’t not know, especially because you’ve gotten to the point that your feelings were becoming impossible to ignore. You loved him, and maybe he loved you back because he was coming clean about his deep, dark secrets with you. But maybe he didn’t. You needed to know if you were going to continue doing this with him.

“I figured we were dating. This is what people do when they’re dating?” He did seem genuinely questioning about it, like he had zero experience with an actual relationship. Considering that it seemed like everything else he had going on was incredibly toxic and strange, it made sense to imagine that he had no real experience with actual commitment.

“I think so, I don’t know. I’ve never had a boyfriend.” You shrug, taking a sip of your coffee and watching him. There was adrenaline coursing through your veins, the idea of being in an actual relationship with him was incredibly exciting. The fact that you weren’t the one to initiate it meant a lot to you, but you still couldn’t fully shake the hint of jealousy you felt knowing that he was with someone else right before he got with you.

“Let’s try it, we’ll probably fucking suck though.”

“Here’s to trying.” You clinked your mug with his, taking a sip and moving your chair so you were a little closer. Lukas openly embraced it and let you move over so you were sitting in between his thighs, an arm wrapped around your waist and his chin resting against your shoulder. “Can I drink your blood?”

“What?”

“I would like to drink your blood, it only seems fair if other people have your blood that I drink it.” Lukas, incredibly concerned, tilts your head back only to see a smile on your face. “I’m only half joking.”

“Yeah, sure. You can drink my blood, sounds kinda hot.” You leaned forward, capturing his lips with yours as he set his drink down. His now empty hand was placed on the back of your neck as he reciprocated the kiss, your own hand moving to hold his forearm as you leaned into him.

By the time you pulled back, though, you knew that you were both going to need to hurry it up. “We should start getting ready soon.”

“Thirty more minutes?”

“I suppose. But only because you’re so pretty.”

For the next half hour, you caught up with Lukas about what was going on back home. Your siblings and their plans, your fathers conflicting plans and how he was hoping that you were going to spy on your siblings for him. He liked hearing about it, it made you happy to know that he enjoyed knowing about what was going on in your life, but he should care. You were actually in a relationship, it felt a bit surreal to think about the fact that you had a name for it. But somehow having a title felt freeing, though you still knew that you were going to need to find the right time to tell him that you loved him. It needed to be a good time, you couldn’t just say it off the cuff (if you could help it, at least).

But once it was time to get ready, there really was nothing either of you could do to fight it. The moment of domestic bliss was lost, but that didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be more to come. For the first time, you had genuine hope that there would be plenty more mornings like this.

Getting ready took longer than you were used to. Back home, you had people to help you get ready for fancy galas. Sure, you didn’t have an assistant like Kendall did but that was why you typically got ready at Kendall’s place - so Jess could help you get dressed. You weren’t used to doing it on your own, and Lukas had no idea how to work a dress so it took all of ten minutes for you to actually get the thing on properly.

Styling your hair wasn’t much easier, in fact, the only thing you found easy was doing your makeup. Once it was said and done you felt proud of yourself, because for once in your life you actually managed to do something like that on your own. It was always nice doing something that separated you from your father a bit, but that was how this entire thing started, wasn’t it? trying to secure some independence and move away from being under the thumb of your father? It made you feel validated, but nothing made you feel as good as stepping out and seeing Lukas in a suit - the man looked beautiful, and you’d almost forgotten that he agreed to match his tie with your dress.

“Can I interest you in some good, old-fashioned, fornication?” You asked, stepping closer to him. He didn’t fight his laugh as you played with the lapels of his blazer, your eyes trained on his as you looked at him hopefully.

“Maybe if we had time.” He glanced at his phone, placing a hand on your cheek. “But we don’t.”

“You’re such a tease.” You complained, but let him press a chase kiss to your lips regardless before you headed outside with him.

“I’m a tease for wearing a suit?”

“Yeah, you look hot. It’s annoying.”

“We can, how did you say it? Fornicate? We can do that later.” You remembered that he mentioned wanting to fuck you at the wedding, whether that meant in the bathroom during the reception or banging one out in the car before you went in, you were unsure. But you couldn’t help but anticipate whatever it was that he had planned.

“Fine, later.” Lukas wrapped his arm around your waist as he guided you to the car, letting you slide into the back seat before getting in next to you. It was funny looking at him in the backseat of a car, even with the front seat moved up he still looked cramped. Of course, it wasn’t customary to sit in the passenger seat when you had a driver - it made most of them uncomfortable and it typically made the passenger uncomfortable as well (plus, there was the added benefit of avoiding cameras a little better when you were back home). Still, you couldn’t help but laugh at the way that he tried to adjust his long legs into a comfortable position, to no avail.

“Why don’t you get a bigger car?”

“I like this car.” He responded, giving up on repositioning his legs and turning to face you. “Besides, isn’t this the same care your people drive? It’s the wealthy car.”

“The wealthy car? Honey, it’s just a black car with dark windows.”

“Dark windows to protect the wealthy people inside.”

“Alright.” He wasn’t entirely wrong, but any black car could have tinted windows. It made sense that he felt that way, though. Lukas was new money. He wanted to fit in with the old money crowd as much as he could, so picking up on their mannerisms and car styles made sense for him. Still, your father never chose a car because it was something that one of his peers had, it was almost like Lukas had some sort of imposter syndrome.

Regardless of whether he was entirely comfortable in the car or not, he didn’t mind you getting comfortable and resting your head on his shoulder. He kept his arm around your waist as you leaned into him, though his eyes remained out of the window. He seemed to enjoy looking that the scenery during drives, though you knew that he saw it all the time so you always wondered why he was so interested in it.

By the time you arrived at the wedding, it was clear that you were just a tad bit late. There were a lot of cars there already, but only a few people were still lingering outside. “Lukas… were we supposed to wait that thirty minutes?”

“Not really, weddings start late.” You wanted to smack him for making you both late, but it made you a little mushy inside to think about the fact that he chose to go to his own friend's wedding late because he wanted to spend time with you. You let him take your hand as you followed him inside, your shoulder pressed against his so you could remain close to him in this crowd of unfamiliar faces.

“What if they don’t like me because I’m American?” You whispered, Lukas turning back to look at you but brushing aside your concerns.

“Just try to speak quieter than your people usually do.”

“Are we loud?”

“A little. It’s cute on you, though.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“Oskar, Ebba! This is the Roy I’ve been telling you about.” The Roy he’s been telling them about? Interesting description since you would assume he’s been telling the people on his staff about your entire family. Still, you couldn’t help but feel rather small and nervous in front of them - especially considering that he had a past with Ebba. You just had to suck it up and pretend to be okay like you did when you were surrounded by disrespectful male investors.

“Ah, the girlfriend.” Oskar seemed to be making sure that you were a normal person, but you only smiled in response. Were you supposed to say yes to that?

“Hi,” You held your free hand out to shake his, turning your attention to Ebba who shook your hand as well. There was something akin to relief in her eyes. Was it because you weren’t rambunctious like Americans were seen as? Or was it because you weren’t mean and expectant like your father? Could it, perhaps, be a relief that Lukas was paying more attention to you and not sending her bags of his blood anymore? You couldn’t imagine that she enjoyed receiving bags of blood from him, but if she remained in his staff there had to be something there.

“Okay.” Lukas was the first to break the awkward silence, turning back to look at him. You could feel him squeezing your hand, it did calm you down a bit.

“Okay.” You responded, glancing between the two people who shot you awkward smiles. “Nice meeting you, um-”

“We should find a seat.” Lukas pulled you away from them, sitting you down somewhere around the middle of the seating section. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“That was horrible! I’ve been less awkward meeting presidents.”

“They’re just awkward, at least Oskar wasn’t being an asshole.”

“Is he usually an asshole?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t seem phased by the fact that he worked with someone who he claimed was an asshole, but you couldn’t really expect him to. He wasn’t the type of person to be upset by something like that. Still, the best you could do was nod and try to understand.

“But they didn’t hate me?”

“Nobody here hates you.” He turned to place a hand on your cheek, his thumb stroking over the skin. You couldn’t help the way your eyes softened or the way that you leaned into his touch. “If they do, I’ll kill them.”

“You can’t joke like that when you’re rich, Lukas. It’s bad for business.”

“Don’t tell me your dads never ordered a hit on someone.” His hand left your face, but he pulled your other interlocked hands into his lap as you leaned into his side.

“He might’ve, I don’t really know. He wouldn’t tell me if he did.” You had thought about it a few times. Logan was so rich that he could order a hit on someone and get away with it. “But, I think if he were to do that to anyone it would be you. And you’re still alive.”

Your conversation was cut short by the ceremony beginning, everyone taking their seats and settling into their chairs. It was a rather traditional ceremony, but you didn’t really understand what was being said since you didn’t speak Swedish. Though Lukas was true to his word and was helping you learn necessary things for if you were to ever get caught somewhere without him and needed it, you didn’t know the casual words. You weren’t sure what anyone was saying up there, though you were sure it was from the heart from the tears in their eyes.

Still, not being able to understand what they were saying truly allowed your mind to wander. You were the youngest child in your family, and from the way Logan treated you it was no surprise that you hadn’t been pressured to settle down yet. Sure, there had been a few kids of other billionaires who tried to approach you in the hopes of combining their wealth with yours, but there had never been anything serious. You weren’t messing around when you told Lukas you’d never had a boyfriend before, you’d never had a romantic partner before in general. Logan wouldn’t allow it, he watched you like a hawk and you never felt like you had that freedom.

Sure, you had slept with a few people and even tried one or two dates - but it never went beyond that. You were too scared that it would end up being a problem. This whole thing with Lukas was in response to you not being able to take that risk before, you wanted to live a little and feel something so you chose to sleep with him. Now it was somewhat serious and you couldn’t help but wonder if it was going to become something like this. If your family would ever even approve of it if he did want to marry you for some reason. Would you have to elope? What if he just didn’t want to get married?

At some point, you wanted that. You wanted something more than what you already had in life and you wanted someone who you knew was in love with you. Sure, Shiv and Tom’s marital struggles combined with Kendall and Rava’s marital struggles didn’t give you much hope for love to go off of, but maybe you wanted to break that chain of heartbreak. But could you? Would it even be possible? Not just because Lukas might not want it, but also because you weren’t sure if you were capable of avoiding the mistakes that your siblings made despite bearing witness to them firsthand.

Ultimately, you were a child of divorce. You had no good reference point for what a good or healthy relationship was. The only things you knew came from the romcoms that you forced Shiv to watch with you as a kid (she claimed to hate them, but you could see her tearing up a bit). You wanted to know what it meant, but how could you even begin to consider that when you had no idea what your future with Lukas truly was? Your family hated him, even your father didn’t seem to like him as anything other than a businessman. They’d expressed their dislike of your relationship, and it wasn’t like you could just leave the company behind - Waystar was your everything, and you weren’t too sure that you were ready for a new everything in your life. No matter how tall, blond and beautiful he was.

But as the happy couple quit their crying and embraced in a loving kiss, you couldn’t help but wonder if it mattered how much you loved Waystar. You knew you were in love with Lukas, you knew you liked the way his thumb rubbing your skin felt right now, and you knew that if he asked you to elope with him right now you would greatly consider it.

That unrealistic question, however, did not come. The vows came to an end and people were filtering out to head into the venue for the reception. It was a beautiful vineyard with a golden aesthetic. It felt very nostalgic to you, like something you would see in one of those aforementioned cheesy romcoms from the early 2000s. Maybe that was their inspiration, but as you walked outside to the venue with Lukas you couldn’t help but lean into him a bit closer as his arm wrapped around your waist and he greeted the people that he knew there.

One thing that struck you about the way Lukas was talking to these people was that he was speaking in English. He obviously spoke English as a second language, and he didn’t ask you if you wanted him to do this beforehand. He was doing it for you, so you didn’t feel uncomfortable. And you weren’t just assuming that, he outright said it to one of his friends who questioned it while he was making his introductions. It made you feel warm inside, but you couldn’t lie. You were stressed.

These people were in Lukas’ social circle, and every single one of them knew who you were. You weren’t just Lukas’ girlfriend. You were his much younger, American girlfriend who came from one of the most wealthy families in America. You weren’t just someone that he cared about, you were the daughter of the man who was conducting a business deal with him. Everyone here was someone you didn’t know, and you weren’t used to outright telling people that you were in a relationship with Lukas - especially considering the fact that you didn’t even know you were technically in a relationship with Lukas until a few hours ago.

It was a jarring experience, and after about an hour of it you needed a break. “Hey, Lukas?”

He looked over at you, stopping his march over to yet another person that he wanted to greet. “What is it?”

“Do you… would you want to dance?” You weren’t sure if you could imagine him dancing. He was so tall and he had the absolute worst posture out of anyone you had ever met before. But he didn’t stop you from leading him onto the dancefloor with everyone else.

The song playing was slow, slow enough that you almost wished that you had waited to ask him to dance because it felt like a lot of pressure. But he guided you, his arm wrapping around your back as he allowed you to keep one of your hands intertwined together. “I’m not a good dancer.”

“That’s okay, I’m not either.”

True to your warnings, neither of you were good dancers. You stepped on each others feet, continually missed the beats you were supposed to do something on, and probably looked incredibly disjointed to the people surrounding you. But it made you happy, though it became overwhelming to look into his eyes for this long. He let you rest your face against his chest, it felt warm, inviting, just as intimate as holding eye contact while not having the pressure of him staring into your soul weighing on your mind.

By the time the slow song ended the more fast, upbeat stuff started playing. You both had been a bit too self-serious earlier, but that didn’t last for very long. He was a god awful dancer, maybe one of the worst that you had ever seen. But he was at least trying, and it was goofy and it made you laugh and you probably weren’t much better. You had fun, and he seemed to have fun, but by the end of the night you were both a little too touchy.

His hands were all over you as you neared the car, but you abruptly stopped and turned to him. “We were gonna fuck at the wedding?”

“Fuck. Forgot. Uh- That’s fine, the bed is fine.” There would be more weddings for him to live out that fantasy at, there was no reason for you to freak out about just this one time. Maybe you could even convince him to attend your brother’s upcoming wedding, but that also meant that you would have to go completely public with your relationship. That, you just weren’t sure about.

As you got into the car with him, you felt the familiar vibration of your cell phone drew your attention away from him. It was a message from Kerry. It was odd, Kerry never really spoke to you because she knew that you and your siblings were aware of her relationship with your father. The message, however, was simple enough. Gerri wanted to talk to you Monday morning, and you were acutely aware that one of the wealthy Swedish people at the wedding exposed that Lukas was calling you his girlfriend all night. Great.

As you showed him the message, you knew he understood what it meant too. “What happens now?” You asked him, your hand squeezing onto his a little tighter as he sighed and leaned over to press a kiss to your forehead.

“We can go public, if you want. Could be good for the deal too.” He was right, it could be good for the deal if the two of you went public with your relationship. If more people knew that there was a true union between Gojo and Waystar they might be more inclined to see the strength in it, but they might also see the weakness in it considering that they didn’t know how long you were in a relationship for (and if they did know, they’d definitely see the weakness).

“Let me talk to Gerri first.” You responded, leaning into his shoulder as you watched out of the window on the way back to his home. You weren’t particularly anxious, but you knew that this meant the grace period was coming to an end. There was no protected relationship, no more lavender haze. If you went public with this, you were going to be scrutinized and called a whore not just by your father but by just about every media publication in America. The only real option was using your goodwill and friendship with Tom to try and get him to not air any segments about you. But maybe they could cover it up, it wasn’t like Waystar hadn’t covered up worse things you and your siblings had done before.

As you arrived back you felt Lukas holding you a little tighter, his hands playing with the lace on the back of your dress as you walked slowly enough that he could start to get it inside. You were both in a race with time to get back to his bedroom, you flopping back on the bed the second your dress was off and Lukas falling on top of you. There was a small smile on his lips, it was enchanting in a way.

“Do you know how hard it was to stand next to you all fucking night and not be able to touch you?” His hand navigated between your thighs, his fingers rubbing over your clit through your panties before you helped him tug them down your hips. Your heels were kicked off next, and the only thing you wanted to do was get that suit off his body, and he didn’t fight you in removing it from his top, at least.

“I think I have some idea.” You responded, your brain cutting off any thoughts of the issues back home. You didn’t have to worry about that right now, the only thing you needed to worry about was how badly you craved his touch. Lukas, however, didn’t jump straight into fucking you like he usually did. His lips trailed down your body, your eyes fixed on him as he hitched a leg up over his shoulder. He’d only done this once or twice, so the fact that he was going for it without even asking made you feel a little more fluttering in your chest than oral sex probably should.

The moment he pressed his tongue against your clit you knew you were a goner, but for the first time it felt like he was really taking his time with this. His movements were calculated, and he waited a moment before pressing two fingers inside of you. His eyes were locked on yours, and though you were still slightly intimidated by just how far it felt like they pierced into you, you couldn’t help but hold his gaze.

Normally, something like this would have felt incredibly dirty to you. But it felt sweet, it felt like he just wanted to make you happy. Maybe it was because this was the first time you were doing this as a couple, or maybe it was because he had just proposed the idea of going public with your relationship. Regardless of the reason, everything felt right to you. But maybe that was just because the feeling of his curling fingers and his tongue and lips against your clit was almost hypnotic.

While you used one hand to tangle your fingers into his hair, your other hand captured his. He let your interlocked fingers fall against the bed, your hand occasionally squeezing his as you let out a moan. He seemed to be spurred on by your noises and your hand squeezes, going faster and a little rougher with each one that you gave him. Though it was typically you who liked receiving praise, it felt like your reactions acted as enough praise to make him excited.

Your eyes couldn’t stay locked on his forever as your head fell against the pillow, your hips ever-so-slightly rolling against him and the bed before you felt yourself reaching an orgasm. It took over your body, your fingers squeezing his tightly as you came around his fingers. Once you came down from it he was sitting up, removing his pants before positioning himself on top of you again.

“You’re good at that.” You mumbled, his smile widening as you spoke. He quickly pushed into you, you should have remembered that he had a bit of an ego about him.

“I could tell.” He could be such a little shit, but that was okay. You sometimes liked that about him. In fact, if you didn’t like that about him you probably wouldn’t be with him. You hoped that ego would never come back to bite either or both of you, but having that kind of optimism often ended up ill-placed. Even so, you didn’t really have time to think about that as he started moving within you.

You leaned your head up to kiss him, Lukas moving to meet you in the middle so you didn’t have to strain your neck. It was softer than it usually was, everything about this felt more intimate than the normal sex that the two of you had. You could only imagine it was because there was a label on your relationship now, but something about it being more intimate made it feel better - maybe you were yearning for his affection a bit more than you thought you were.

His hips bucked in and out of you somewhat quickly, though the thrusts were deep and seemingly planned. Nothing about his movements felt erratic, everything felt natural to you.

Lukas pulled back, brushing some hair out of your face as his hand cradled your cheek. “Still want to drink my blood?”

“God- No! I was kidding!” His laugh made you laugh, and you realized that was the first time that either of you had broken the moment to laugh about something. “Is that your form of dirty talk now? Asking me to drink your blood?”

“That’s fine, I’ll just send you some.”

“Oh my god. Please don’t send me your blood.” Your request went on deaf ears because he sped up the speed of his thrusts, your teeth sinking into your lip as you felt him move his lips down to your jawline. You could feel the pressure there. His teeth and his mouth and it was incredibly clear that he was trying to give you a hickey in an incredibly inconvenient place. But something about that excited you, something about the idea of needing to figure out how to explain wearing turtlenecks all week in August without people thinking you’re fucking was exciting to you. That thrill that you had looked for from him in the first place took over your body, and you knew you were a goner again.

The last orgasm had taken over your body, made you feel both everything and numb at the same time. But this was different, it took over your mind. Clouded your thoughts completely and you couldn’t help those three words spilling out of your mouth. That was not how you wanted to tell him you loved him, and the moment you both came and he fell into bed beside you that mistake became very apparent.

Lukas didn’t say it back, you weren’t sure what made you think somewhere in your brain that he would. But he did gently help you get changed into your pajamas and pull you practically on top of him as you went to sleep that night. The only thing on your mind was what you said, and whether he felt it in return.

By the time you woke up you were alone in bed, but the smell of something burning made you jump into fight or flight. Lukas didn’t cook, what could possibly be burning?

“Are you- Why are you cooking?” You questioned, approaching him in the kitchen and watching as he turned to look at you. He was making you the same thing you made for him, the same thing you made every Sunday morning. But he was doing it… incredibly wrong. He was pushing the chocolate chips into the pancakes individually, how could he even think that was the correct way of doing that?

“You, uh-” It was one of those rare moments were he got really nervous, but you didn’t know what he could possibly be nervous about. “You like pancakes?”

He could have had someone come in and cook these for the two of you, he knew that just as well as you did considering that’s what he usually did. You had a sneaking suspicion that he did this because it was important to you, but you didn’t want to say that. “I do like pancakes, thank you.”

As you both sat down to eat you were… conflicted. It was a sweet gesture, totally sweet. But it tasted like straight flour and the chocolate was not melted. He didn’t seem to be enjoying them either, but you put on a brave face and pretended they were great.

“How are they?” He asked, taking a begrudging bite of his food as you leaned your chin on your palm. “They’re great, you did great.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive, they’re really good.” He seemed to give up his resolve on the pancakes not actually being very good as you rested your hand on his cheek and pressed a kiss against his nose. But as you finished eating you glanced at the time and realized that… he was probably making these for hours. “I have to go.”

“You could stay.”

“No, I can’t. I have to go, I have business.” The business just so happened to be about your relationship right now, but you were already on thin ice with your father. You weren’t going to show up fashionably late no matter how much he pouted at you. “Can you come back with me? It might be better if we talk to my dad together anyway.”

Lukas glanced at his phone, his calendar looked incredibly full. But that was to be expected, he was now months into the process of acquiring another media giant. “I can’t.”

“Next time.” He helped you pack your things up before pressing one last kiss to your lips. It felt like he wanted to say something, not just because you were delusional but also because he literally would not let go of you even as you tried to pull away. “Call me when I get on the plane?”

“Yeah. See you soon.” You didn’t know how soon was, but you didn’t have time to ask. You needed to be on that plane incredibly quickly, you were already running late. Sure, it was a private jet but you had meticulously planned out what time you needed to be back. You waved him one last goodbye as you got into the car.

You spent the plane ride in conversation with your siblings for the most part. Kendall, mainly. He couldn’t sleep, you explained to him that what you thought would happen did happen. Kendall explained to you that you could always just leave Waystar and go full-time with the Rebel Alliance if things went too poorly. But throughout it all you were on-and-off on the phone with Lukas, who even when he wasn’t speaking to you on the phone was sending you pictures of him throughout the day. Whether it be boring pictures of his work, pictures of him or pictures of random things in his house. Sure, he hadn’t told you that he loved you back - but maybe he didn’t need to. This was a new, fresh relationship. He clearly cared about you to some extent, and for now, that would be enough.

Chapter Text

From time to time, life would throw things at you out of nowhere. It didn’t come as a surprise to you when you came home from Sweden two months ago to discuss the nature of yours and Lukas’ relationship with Karolina and Gerri. The two of them all but asked you to break off the relationship because it would be bad for the deal. Whether it be because of your stellar reputation as the most innocent, ‘cute’ Roy child, or because it would look like your dad was selling his company to his daughter’s boyfriend because of her. It also looked sketchy because everyone knew you were named the liaison between the two companies rather quickly after the proceedings began. It would look bad, but you weren’t going to stop seeing Lukas even if it would look bad, even if it had the possibility of shattering your public image.

Karolina discussed it with Logan, and Logan told her to cover it up. She didn’t know why at the time, and neither did you. It wasn’t until about three days later that you found out why he hadn’t spoken to you about it, why he wanted to give you what you wanted and let you keep seeing Lukas without any consequences. Neither yourself nor Lukas were fully ready to go public with the relationship, you couldn’t think of how to go about it, or whether or not it would truly ruin the deal. Logan was able to use it to his advantage, though.

Logan insisted that Lukas come to the United States so he could hash things out, so you could both ‘explain yourselves in person’. That really wasn’t something that you were accustomed to. When you were a child, if there was ever an argument between your siblings and yourself he didn’t care whether you were in the same room or not. He would scold you on different weeks for the exact same thing if he had to. The only exception to that rule was typically when you were doing something stupid with Roman. You always took the blame, you always insisted to your father that he did nothing wrong and that it was all you. He wouldn’t hit you, he wouldn’t punish you very harshly in general - neither yourself nor Shiv ever got the brunt of the punishments. You were often with Roman as a child, and you knew that he was the one that got hit the most out of him, Connor and Kendall.

Lukas came to New York and sat beside you in your father’s home office like you were bringing your first lover home for evaluation in high school, but this was adulthood and this lover was someone that you had met during a business deal. Logan wanted to re-evaluate the deal, sweeten it for himself with the understanding that he felt like he had been manipulated by the two of you into doing what you both wanted. Of course, he didn’t really feel this way, neither of you were even discussing business for the most part, he just wanted to secure himself a win.

It was nothing major, a little bit more money and a sweeter spot guaranteed for him at ATN. The notable thing for you was the change of how you were mentioned in the contract. Previously, Logan had been firm in keeping you in your position at Waystar - if Waystar was to be fully absorbed into Gojo you would have a high ranking position at Gojo. Your father, ever the pleasant man, had this removed completely. He claimed that ‘since you were fucking him, he has to have a spot for you’.

Outside of that, he was able to cut down on your interactions with your siblings during business hours. No longer would you be able to go out to lunch with Shiv, or go answer a phone call from Tellis letting you know that your siblings had requested your presence. He didn’t want you speaking with them too much because he believed you could be giving them information, and if you wanted your relationship kept private, you were going to have to do whatever he said.

Per your relationship with Lukas, the two of you have maintained the amount of contact from before. Whether it be the texts and calls every single day, or the frequent visits you made to each other. While you couldn’t claim that you were going to see Lukas on business anymore, you didn’t have to. People knew where you were going if you left on Friday night and they knew why.

There was also the week that Lukas decided to do all of his work remotely and come to the United States for a week. He constantly complained about the food and how unhealthy it all seemed. He also complained about how he couldn’t see stars at night in the city, and how it smelled so terrible and it was never quiet. He didn’t like being in the city that much, but he also thrived in that environment. There were so many new things to do, he liked doing new and exciting things. But he mainly just hung out in your apartment with you - sparing the one time he came to work with you, but he actually had to because your father had requested his presence.

Overall, you haven’t spent a full week without seeing each other in person, and even when you weren’t seeing each other in person you were constantly in contact. It felt like for once in your life you had a constant, and you just wanted him to know that you were in this for him and nothing else. Despite the fact that he hadn’t verbally told you that he loved you, there was a part of you that really didn’t need to hear it. The thing was, those three words could be entirely empty, but his actions always made you feel loved.

Whether it be remembering something that you had told him a long time ago, or comforting you if work was especially hard. During that week that he was with you, he tried to cook for you for most of it. Granted, he still wasn’t a very good cook but he was a smart person who could read a recipe because he did, in fact, learn to read at some point. One thing that he did make well, however, was something that he claimed his grandmother cooked for him as a child. It made you feel a bit more connected to him to see the old recipe, connected enough that you spent a good two hours exchanging pictures of yourselves as babies. He seemed to get a kick out of the multiple occasions that you insisted Kendall give you a piggyback ride.

Besides this, he’s noticed the insecurities that you’ve felt regarding your father. Logan Roy was never a warm man, he was never fuzzy and kind, he never even really made you feel like you were a complete person. But he had been especially cold to you since everyone found out about your relationship with Lukas. Maybe it was because he knew that Lukas was giving you eyes that first day that you had slept with him during Caroline and Peter’s wedding and he believed that he had raised you to be better. Maybe it was because he believed that you sleeping with Lukas wasn’t a big deal, but that you being reckless enough with it to the point that it needs to be covered up means that you’re a let down to him.

Whatever the reason was, it didn’t really matter. He had removed you from the contract, but Lukas had made it clear that he was still going to be offering you a high ranking position in the company. A while back, over dinner, the two of you had discussed the possibility of you coming over to Sweden permanently to work alongside him. You would be imperative to the success of both Waystar and Gojo in this role, and you would be living together and more than likely in a public relationship. He made sure that you knew you had job security, but he also made sure that you felt secure in general. That you didn’t feel completely alone.

At some point you had expressed to him that it felt like your father was treating you like he was a Victorian king and you were his shameful daughter, losing her innocence before marriage and thus tainting your relationship with him forever. Lukas didn’t allow you to feel alone, though. He made sure to support you emotionally, to stay on the phone with you when you really needed him, to hold your hand when you were especially worried.

But you also made it clear to him that you didn’t need job security from him. If he wanted to change things completely and gut the company from head to toe, you could find it in yourself to forgive him in some capacity. You didn’t want special treatment from him, you just wanted his love. That didn’t change the fact that if that were to ever come to fruition you might not be able to put your money where your mouth is, because you can’t stomach the idea of not having power. The drive for power manifested in you as a child, watching your siblings work at your father’s company while you were still playing with your toys. It almost felt like purgatory, because you believed at age ten it was unfair that you weren’t working an office job and proving yourself to your father like Kendall was.

You had practically come out of the womb salivating at the idea of becoming something more than you were, of proving yourself. It made it difficult for you to stand up to your dad in any capacity other than taking the fall for Roman if the two of you were play-fighting a little too hard or getting just a little too noisy when extended family and friends were around. This is why it came as no surprise to you that you were more willing to listen to what your father told you to do when he asked you to come to Sweden with him, unlike Roman who was currently attending Connor’s wedding.

The thing was, you wanted to say no. You intended upon saying no because you wanted to be there for your brother, but just as you knew he would do from the beginning, he was using the fact that he could leak your relationship with Lukas to the press as leverage. Maybe he wouldn’t do that because it could hurt the strength of the deal, because if everyone found out that would mean that Sandi, Sandy, Ewan, and others were bound to find out too. It could ruin everything, and it would definitely change the way that the public viewed you.

It wouldn’t change the way that people you know view you, at least, not people you know closely. Most people in the upper levels of Waystar know about yourself and Lukas, and most people in the upper levels of Gojo know as well. Tom knows and told Greg, but you don’t really care if Greg knows because you actually consider him a friend. Sure, he’s a little stupid and he’s been a little bit more of a tool than you would like for him to be lately, but it’s nice having someone so close to your age around, it felt like you had someone to sit at the kids table with you. He keeps it to himself because he respects you, outside of that you’re pretty sure Tellis, Willa and Fikret know, but Fikret also knows that you wet the bed once when you were eleven and that you like pinching Kendall’s cheeks to annoy him. It didn’t much matter if these people knew, it mattered if everyone else knew.

All in all, your father knew that you were going to listen to him, you always listened to him whenever he told you to do anything. So, as you boarded the plane you dialed Connor’s number and waited for him to pick up

The plan was simple. Call Connor and explain to him that you weren’t going to be able to make it to his wedding because you had a douchebag of a father, and then call Lukas and beg him to call off the meeting because he wasn’t aware that you were on the plane right now. Maybe if he knew he would be more willing to listen to you and just claim that something came up. In fact, you were positive that this plan was going to work out.

“Connor, hey!”

“Hey, sis. Where are you? Did you get stuck in traffic?” It hurt hearing him so hopeful that you were going to be there, especially since you had gone to his rehearsal the night before after stopping by to wish your father a happy birthday. He didn’t intend on letting you go, but after pouting for a good hour he told you to just go since that was clearly the only thing that was going to make you stop souring the mood.

“Yeah, um, about that.” You weren’t positive how to proceed. You didn’t want to explain to him that you weren’t going to be able to be there, but you were also growing a bit concerned. Logan had been acting strangely since you got onto the plane. It’s been a good ten minutes since takeoff and his breathing problems have been getting worse since he got on the plane. He’d gone to the bathroom about five minutes ago, and has yet to return. “I won’t be able to make it. Dad’s blackmailing me to go to Sweden with him because Lukas is being pissy.”

“Why don’t you guys just go public? At least it’ll be on your terms.”

“I’m pretty sure Lukas is considering it. I don’t know, I’m about to call him and see if I can bat my eyelashes enough to get him to cancel the meeting so I can-” You cut off, sharing a glance with Tom as you both heard a crash in the bathroom. “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Tom had been sitting beside you, you didn’t really care if he heard your conversation. He knew you wanted to be back with Connor, and what good was telling Logan that you were planning on getting the meeting canceled going to do for him? It didn’t matter, though, the only thing that mattered was the speeding up beating of your heart as you navigated to the bathroom. It didn’t take you very long to get in there once you called someone over who had a key, but by the time you did you were both met by the sight of your father laying on the ground. His eyes were open, he was breathing but it was shallow and fast.

As if on instinct, you squatted down beside him and took one of his hands into one of yours. Tom squatted down on the other side of him, calling for a medic as he tried to speak to your father.

“Dad? Daddy? You’re going to be okay, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry we weren’t at your birthday. You’ll be okay.” He couldn’t seem to speak, he couldn’t really do anything but bounce his eyes between yourself and Tom and struggle to get himself to breathe.

“What happened? Is it a heart attack? Do you remember his birthday before Shiv and I got married?” Tom looked over at you, he was more put together. You were in panic mode, you couldn’t remember anything and you really couldn’t give him a good answer to his question. “Sorry, where the fuck is the medic?”

“Daddy, hey, I love you, okay? We all do, it’s going to be okay. I promise it’s going to be okay, you need to hang in there until help comes.” You refused to accept that he wasn’t going to be okay, just as you refused to move when the medic came in. It wasn’t until Kerry pushed her way into the room that you were on your feet beside Tom. “Kerry! Fucking move, they’re trying to help him!”

Tom was trying desperately to get Shiv to pick up his calls, meanwhile he was just as annoyed at Kerry as you seemed to be. “Kerry, could you fucking move so family could speak to him?”

His breathing was getting worse, and the person trying to help him was only getting more and more worried, with one glance over at Tom he knew what was coming. He said goodbye to your father, but you weren’t having any of it. “No, no. You guys, what the fuck are you saying goodbye for. Tom? He’s fine, he’s literally right there, he’s fine.”

Despite your words, somewhere in your brain you knew that wasn’t true. You didn’t notice the tears falling from your eyes, you hardly noticed that you were being ushered out of the room as the staff on the plane worked to bring Logan to the front of it and out of the bathroom. You stood back, not really hearing as Tom got your brothers on the phone to explain to them what was going down. You could barely comprehend where you were, you could barely notice that Tom had a grasp on your arm to keep you from falling over or passing out. You really couldn’t comprehend anything at the moment, but only thing you could think about was how confused you were.

You were crying loudly and hysterically at this point. Kendall and Roman had been able to hear your crying on the phone, Kendall being the one to ask Tom to pass the phone over to you so he could hear what was going on from his sister’s mouth. You weren’t even sure he knew you were on this plane until right now, but you couldn’t speak.

“I-I- What’s th- Who-” You couldn’t get anything coherent out, you were pretty sure your sobs would be enough to wake up a village. Tom could see you struggling, taking your hand into his. He knew you well enough to know that holding hands was something that comforted you, though he didn’t know it was something you had picked up in your childhood because it was easier to hide under a table or behind your back than a hug would be if you wanted comfort. You felt a bit stabilized having someone’s hand to hold on to, but it felt like the entire universe was cracking below your feet. Still, you refused to accept that they couldn’t save your father. He had been through this before, once you landed Kendall could get one of your trusted doctors to have a look at him. “Wh-Why-”

They were doing chest compressions, you hadn’t noticed that before. “It’s standard, it’s fine. You’re going to be okay.” Tom had been a friend to you for a while. You felt bad that most of your family members didn’t take to him, so you took to him. You started your friendship with Tom on the hunting trip. He looked so embarrassed playing Boar on the Floor, and you took it upon yourself to make sure he was okay. Now he was doing the same for you, but he was smart enough to know that you were absolutely not okay.

“Why can’t she talk?” Roman’s voice was muffled, you couldn’t even really process what he was saying even when you were standing directly beside Tom.

“Because she’s-” He cautioned a glance over at you. You were crying like a child, and if you were in a more sound place of mind you would feel like you were acting like a child as you clung to the closest person to you and cried like you were. It felt like everything was wrong, it felt like you were in a nightmare and you just wished that you could wake up. “She’s not okay right now, she can’t think.”

Tom moved over to kneel beside Logan, bringing the phone with him so your siblings could speak to him. He brought you over, knowing that you were really only going to be doing okay if you had someone to support you. Maybe if you were able to grasp and comprehend what was happening you would be grateful that he was doing so much to comfort you, it wasn’t like your family had been awfully kind to him in general. In fact, it seemed like he was being pushed out of the family now that he was thinking of divorcing Shiv. He didn’t need to act kindly to you or your siblings, but in this one moment he was doing everything in his power to be comforting and warm.

But you couldn’t appreciate it. You couldn’t appreciate anything when everything felt so wrong, when you couldn’t even accept that it was happening. This felt like one of the awful nightmares you had in the past after your dad’s accident. For a few weeks following it felt like every night you had a nightmare that your father died, it felt like it was all happening now and you didn’t know what to do. You felt broken and confused, but it almost felt like your consciousness was floating above your body, like you were watching your life play out in real time but your soul had nothing to do with it. Everything felt wrong, nothing felt real, and you couldn’t handle the idea of it being real.

“Come on, let's let them work.” Tom led you away from your father after a few moments, your shaky hand holding onto his like you used to hold onto Frank or Logan’s hand while you were trying to walk through traffic. It felt like you were just latching onto him for support, because in reality you were. He was letting you, and at the moment it was all you had. You stood for a bit, he was talking to your siblings and they were trying to get more people to help your father. The idea of that should fill you with hope, but it was like you couldn’t feel anything at all other than overwhelming anguish.

“Can- I- Ken, please.” Tom was surprised to hear you asking to talk, confirming with your siblings it was okay and passing the phone over to you.

“Hey, are- what’s going on? Are you okay? Is dad alive?”

“I’m- I’m not, I’m not okay, I don’t- nothing’s okay, dad’s on the floor. He’s- He’s not, I-” You wanted to hear your brother’s voice, but speaking seemed like such a foreign concept to you right now. “I think daddy’s gone. Kenny, Ken- I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared-”

“It’s okay, we’re going to get his doctor on the line. And my doctor, it’s going to be okay.” You passed the phone back over to Tom, sobs wracking through your body as you allowed your legs to give out and collapsed your body down onto the plane chair. Tom followed after you, sitting beside you and facing everyone else in the room. You didn’t really hear the rest of the conversation, you could barely comprehend anything at all. It felt like everything was happening and nothing was happening at once, and it was putting your brain into overload.

Nothing was right. Maybe you should call Lukas, the one person outside of your family who you loved and trusted with anything and everything. The one person who you spoke to every single day, and saw as frequently as possible, the person you were on your way to see. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t exert the energy needed to call someone, all you could do was sit there and cry. Absolutely nothing was okay, and you weren’t quite sure what any of this meant. Logan always seemed immortal, he seemed untouchable and like he could rise from the dead no matter how the universe tried to kick him down. You wanted to believe that it was going to be the same this time, that he was going to be up and kicking soon enough. But he wasn’t moving, Tom says his heart isn’t beating, and you don’t know what to do but imagine a dark cloud covering your heart.

The only thing you can do is sit back and think. Think about how his birthday was yesterday, how the only person in the family that really celebrated it with him was Greg. How you stopped by and left, and how everyone argued over karaoke. Everything felt wrong, everything felt bad. You knew that he was in contact with Roman again, that Roman was supposed to be firing Gerri today. But what did it matter? What did any of it matter?

Memories could be a good thing, a beautiful reminder of the past. You had happy memories from your childhood, memories of Connor pushing you on a swing and you and Shiv getting your hair and makeup done for Kendall’s wedding together. But you also had memories that you had resented for a long time. Memories of Logan leaving you all with someone to watch you, be it Frank or any plethora of other people on his staff. Memories of you refusing to let him leave and hiding in his luggage only to be brought back when you tried to get out because you couldn’t breathe.

As a child, it felt like he had very little time for any of you. It didn’t help that Caroline was hardly involved in any of your lives, that she was the most distant mother that any of you could have ever asked for. You often felt alone, and you often blamed that on your father. But you funneled it into your drive for power, into your hope that if you were to become powerful enough in the company he would truly approve of you. That if you made enough of a name for yourself in your own right, your father would have time for you.

Afterall, not every memory with him was bad. You cherished the days that he took you out with a gun and taught you how to shoot, the days that you were the only one with him. You often think back on the dinner’s you had with him fondly, and the day that he brought you into the company. He looked proud when you secured your first deal on your own, but he also looked proud when he realized that yourself and Roman had been able to talk Lukas into considering arranging a deal with you. Those were good memories, memories that kept you going on your quest for power and approval, but they felt like bitter reminders of what you were losing right now.

You wished so badly that things had been different, that there could have been an agreement reached between your siblings and your father. That someday, your relationship would have been patched up. But that family unit was broken before, and it was even more broken now. You felt lost, like you were sitting on a boat with nothing to row you back to shore, like you knew you were about to be lost at sea but there was nothing that you could do to stop it. The only thing you could do now was cry, and hope that there was some sliver of a chance that your father was going to be okay.

Distantly, you could hear the other people in the plane raising a glass to him. You were offered one as well, but you could only blankly shake your head. If it weren’t for the stinging each time another tear fell down your cheek, you wouldn’t even be sure that you were still crying. But you were, and it seemed like everyone on the plane knew that the only thing they could do was let it happen.

Tom was the one to turn to look at you, but he was also the one holding hands with you so that was to be expected. “Do you want to go lay down?”

There was a bed on the plane, you hadn’t even considered lying down to be an option. “I- uh-” You could, maybe it would be better if you went back there and laid down, maybe then you could call Lukas. But you didn’t want to be alone, you needed physical touch, you didn’t feel like you could be without it. “I don’t- I don’t want to be alone.” There was no way Tom was going back there, he had business to attend to and he seemed dead set on proving himself as more than just the Mid-Western guy who had married into wealth. You knew he wouldn’t go with you, so you were going to remain where you didn’t have to be alone.

“Okay.” He didn’t really question it, you didn’t expect him to. He knew you, and he knew that you weren’t exactly the type of person to not rely on someone else. You had been relying on other people your entire life. Be it your need to rely on your father for validation, or your need to emotionally depend on your siblings for support and love. Had this entire thing not happened, maybe you would have continued on your path to become more individualistic, but this had thrown everything to the wayside and right now you just needed someone to be there with you. To be there for you, and make you feel like you weren’t completely alone.

He looked remorseful, like he wished that there was something more he could do. The only thing he could do was give you a hug, but the only thing that did for him was result in tears and mascara staining his blazer. It was comforting though, it was comforting to have someone holding onto you, to have someone to hold on to. It didn’t replace the wish that it was one of your siblings, but it didn’t really matter. It didn’t need to replace your desire to be with your siblings, it just needed to be something.

All of you were distracted by Kerry coming into the room. She looked… odd. You had just been yelling at her a few moments ago and now she was smiling but you were sure that she was just in shock. There was nothing behind her eyes, she looked shocked. But she couldn’t be in here right now, truthfully, you shouldn’t be in here right now either. You were too emotional, you weren’t thinking logically in the slightest. You should absolutely be in a different part of the plane and nowhere near where business was being conducted but what were they going to do? Make you go somewhere else when it was your father that was dying?

“I have to call Greg, I’ll be right back.” You were taken aback by Tom telling you that he had to leave, you didn’t think that he would do that. He must’ve seen the panic on your face because he quickly sent a look to Frank who came over to help out. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, just go with Frank for now.”

Frank, in some ways, had been a little bit more of a father figure than your actual father was growing up. Logan was a tough man, he was difficult to speak to and difficult to engage with. He didn’t really seem to consider that the children he made were real people, he seemed to think all of you were extensions of himself and nothing more. Frank wasn’t really a member of the family, but in a lot of ways he might as well have been. It was clear that all of the people close to your father cared about his children, partially because when Logan wasn’t around they were expected to help take care of you. But right now, you could only nod and go sit down with everyone else.

Tom went back to call Greg, meanwhile you considered whether or not you should be making a phone call. Ultimately, you decided that it wouldn’t be in your best interest. You could barely comprehend what was happening, let alone be able to hold a conversation with your boyfriend. You loved him, you wanted to talk to someone who you loved. But you just couldn’t bring yourself to pick up the phone. You couldn’t bring yourself to do anything but stare blankly at anything and everything. It was like nothing you were looking at was being truly comprehended in your mind, you couldn’t do anything but look.

At this point, you more than likely were no longer crying. At least, you didn’t feel like you were still crying. Right now, you didn’t feel much. Everything felt almost gray, despite the fact that you were seeing colors. It felt as though the life was being drained out of the world, because the only world you knew was one where Logan Roy was alive. There was still some part of your brain that was hoping that he was going to walk through the door, that couldn’t comprehend that for once in his life he couldn’t fight off death. But you knew, deep down, that wouldn’t happen. This was real. This was different from his health scare before, different from when he went to see Josh with Kendall and had trouble breathing. He wasn’t going to be okay this time, there was truly something in the air that set this apart from every other scare that you had ever had with him.

After a few moments, Tom returns to the room and begins discussions regarding business with Karolina and the others. They want to draft a statement, but you still can’t understand why they’ve stopped doing chest compressions on him. “Isn’t there something else they can do?” Tom was beside you again, unsurprised by you linking your arm with his and moving a little closer. It was like he was your emotional support blanket, but he seemed okay with it.

“There’s… I’m sorry. There’s nothing else they can do.” You knew that was coming, but there was this feeling of despair taking over your body.

“Is this real?”

“This is real.” You nodded, staring down at your feet. You wished you were with your siblings, you wished that you were with Lukas. You wished that you were anywhere but on this plane where your father’s corpse was laying. It felt morbid, it felt like you wanted to go see him for comfort but if you went to see him you would just see a dead body. Tom squeezed your arm, “Do you need anything?”

“No, no. Don’t go back there again, please.” You weren’t crying at this point, but there was nothing behind your eyes either. You knew from the look in everyone’s faces that there was nothing going on back there, that you were in a state of total shock at this point.

He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t leave your side for the rest of the flight, but that didn’t make it any easier. Everyone wanted to talk business, your siblings wanted to be the ones to speak to the press about this but so did Karolina. Nobody proposed you do it, because everyone understood that would be a bad idea. You may be the youngest, but you were a fully grown adult. But you were also coddled by your father, spoiled and given almost anything you wanted on a silver platter. That was the whole point of sleeping with Lukas, branching out from your father’s iron grip on your life. He treated you like you were his baby still, and not a woman pushing thirty. In a lot of ways you were, and in no way where you used to not being connected to your father. Even with your love affair with Lukas, you were still connected with your father - more so than the average adult was with their parent, more than likely.

Part of it was Caroline. She never paid much attention to any of you, but she always had this hang up about you. You were the youngest, the last before he had an affair and her relationship with your father was effectively ended. You often felt like a part of her resented you for that, more than she did the others. That was a big reason why your father coddled you so closely, because he was used to it - he was almost always the one taking care of you as a baby.

Now here you were, and you knew that the moment you stepped off of this plane you were going to be a changed person.

That moment came sooner than you would have liked, but Tom let you lean on him for support as he walked you outside. It wasn’t very light out, but your eyes burned so badly that it felt like you were a vampire stepping out at noon. You kept your head down, you knew that there were going to be people taking pictures of all of you exiting the plane. You were a complete and utter mess, you were sure that you looked just as terribly as you felt and you didn’t really want crisp pictures of that immortalized on the internet. Not if you could help it, at least.

By the time you were inside the building Shiv had already begun addressing the public, but that didn’t stop you from inching forward until you were standing in between your brothers. Kendall cautioned a glance over at you, and from the look in his eyes you knew you looked bad. But it didn’t matter, you were finally with your siblings. A hand placed over yours was what caught your attention. Roman, of course. He was the first of your siblings that you started holding hands with, he knew better than anyone that you needed physical comfort.

Once you were all outside you gathered behind them. They were discussing going over to see the body, but you had seen more than enough of it. The four of you met in a hug, your face pressed against your sister's shoulder as you held onto them. But it couldn’t last forever, and Shiv ended up going home with Tom a moment later. Roman went over to see your father, leaving just you and Kendall.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kendall wrapped his arm around your neck, letting you press your face into his side. He knew you were struggling, all of you were struggling, but he couldn’t fathom what it was like having been there and being forced to watch him die. But, you couldn’t fathom what it must have been like needing updates about it on the phone and having absolutely no way of being there.

“Not really.” You responded. It was only now that you realized how nasily you were.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

There was something to be said about the idea of going to your own home, sleeping in your own bed and wearing one of Lukas’ sweaters. The idea of not being alone was appealing, though. “Will a phone call keep you awake?”

“No, I- I probably won’t sleep but my walls are thick.”

“Okay, yeah. I really don’t want to be alone.” You got into a car with Kendall, it felt strange looking toward Fikret. He usually saw an upbeat version of you. A version of you that had rap battles with Kendall in the car, that belted out Mariah Carey while your brother was trying to focus. A person that would poke Kendall’s nose and pinch his cheeks just because it would make him begrudgingly smile when you felt like he was being too serious. But even as you held onto your brother's hand, you felt absolutely broken. “I don’t think I’m going to be okay.”

“We’ll be okay, it’s going to get better.” You weren’t sure if he was reassuring you, or himself. It had to be a combination of both, but you weren’t sure if it was working for either of you. You laid your head on his shoulder, staring out of the window as you tried to keep yourself from crying. This was it. They were taking Logan out in a body bag, Roman was saying goodbye to his corpse, and you felt like your entire being had shattered.

Once you were back at Kendall’s apartment you grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek before heading to the guest room. It wasn’t the first time you stayed at his home, it was pretty much your guest room at this point since it had so many of your things tucked away inside of it in one place or another. You didn’t have the energy to do much, but you had to go to the bathroom. The moment you were up to wash your hands you could finally see yourself in the mirror. Your eyes were puffy, your hair disheveled. Mascara stained your cheeks, some of it had rubbed away and you were sure that it had rubbed onto Tom’s blazer since you had seen mascara on it earlier. You looked horrible, and you knew that the world was going to see that when they saw Shiv’s statement.

Quickly, you washed the makeup off of your face and brushed your teeth, changing into some of the loungewear you kept for when you relaxed with Kendall before laying in bed. The first thing you did once you were lying down was turn on your phone. You had a plethora of missed calls and texts, but you only focused on the ones from Lukas before giving him a call yourself.

His face appeared on your screen, his face was twisted into one of concern. “I heard what happened, are you- are you doing okay? Where are you? Those don’t look like your pillows.”

“They’re Kendall’s, I’m not home. I’m- well, I’m in the guest room. And I’m not, um, I’m not doing okay.”

Lukas was silent for a moment, opening his mouth like he wanted to say something and stopping again. Finally, he got it out. “Did I ever tell you how my dad died?”

“No, not that I remember.”

“I was young when it happened. We couldn’t find him anywhere, but I saw his car was running. It was dark, that was how I saw the headlights.” It felt like he never told this story from how disjointed it was, but considering that he had never talked about it with you, you doubted he was making storytime videos about it. “I was the one to go out to the car and he was- he killed himself. I know it’s different but it’s… you’re not- you don’t need to feel alone about it.”

Lukas wasn’t often sincere about anything, with anyone. Even you. But he was being sincere, he was being vulnerable, and that itself made you want to cry because you wished that you were able to hold his hand, to be held by him in bed so you could actually get some quality sleep. “Thank you, I- I was on the plane, that’s why I couldn’t call you. T-Tom and I, we found him, but he wasn’t dead.”

“Did- you got to say goodbye? Roman told me you didn’t.”

“I didn’t, I, um, I was crying so hard. I didn’t really talk to any of my siblings, I couldn’t. I didn’t say goodbye because I thought he was going to be okay.” The fact that you had to think about that was upsetting to you. You missed thinking that he was going to be okay, you missed the denial stage of grief. “I told him I loved him and held his hand, but-”

“Baby, please don’t cry.”

He didn’t often use pet names either, when he did it was teasing. But he wasn’t teasing you, he looked hurt that you were about to start crying again. He hated seeing you like this. “I wish you were here.”

“I’ll see you in two days, your brothers said yes to the retreat.” The retreat. You were supposed to go there with Logan, Tom and Greg in two days. You had completely forgotten about that, but it was a comfort. “You can come tomorrow, if you want.”

“I can’t, the wake- Jesus.” You didn’t want to talk about the wake, you didn’t even want to admit that there was going to be a wake, that meant acknowledging that your father was dead. “The wake is tomorrow, I need to be there.”

He nodded, he didn’t expect anything different. “You should try to sleep.”

“Will you stay on the phone with me?”

“Yeah, of course.” It looked like he needed to say something else, he looked like he had something at the tip of his tongue, at least. But he didn’t, whatever it was, he kept it to himself. Maybe it felt wrong to say something like… whatever he wanted to tell you right now, you weren’t sure.

True to his word, though, he stayed on FaceTime with you throughout the night. By the time you woke up, he was somehow still on the phone with you, though he was doing work. Truthfully, the only thing that helped you sleep that night was staying on the phone with him, being able to wake up and talk to him and make sure that he was still there. As much as you wished that you were physically with him, it meant the world to you that he would stay up all night just to make sure that you were doing okay.

The death of your father caught you by surprise and came out of nowhere and shattered your reality, but Lukas was there to painstakingly pick up the pieces of your broken heart. You could only hope that he wouldn’t catch you by surprise as well.

Chapter Text

The past two days have been chaotic, to say the least. Yesterday was the wake for your father, the wake in which everyone mainly turned up to discuss business or make him into some Republican idol and not a power-hungry billionaire. People wanted to make a name for him, but the thing was, he already made a name for himself. It rubbed you the wrong way seeing people talk about your father who weren’t a part of your family, but you were self-aware enough to know that was mainly because you were so sensitive toward the subject.

The wake itself was challenging for a few reasons. Not just because it was the day after your father died, and because you still hadn’t really come to terms with him being dead. But because you were there when it happened, because you couldn’t get it out of your head, and because people kept asking you to describe it. It felt morbid, like there was a number of people who wanted to live vicariously through you. Maybe they thought they were paying honor to your father but understanding what his last moments were like, or maybe they just wanted to know the story so they could tell other people exactly how he died. But there really was no story that you could tell, you were physically there, but it was like so much was happening in your brain that nothing was happening at all.

Having people who you hardly knew, people who hardly knew your father, coming up to you and treating you like you were a glass doll just about to break was stressful. Incredibly overwhelming in every way. But having people who hardly knew your father, or even people who knew him somewhat well, openly asking you to describe what his last moments were? It made you sick, you couldn’t stand to look at half of these people in the eye.

Throughout the entire event you stuck with your siblings as best as you could, but that just led to the second thing that made the wake such a nightmare. There needed to be an interim CEO until the vote, and it needed to be someone that was there, at the wake. At first, you proposed yourself. In fairness, you were the only one of the siblings still employed by your father, technically, but you were also the youngest. You had more experience than Shiv, but less experience than Kendall and Roman. It wasn’t until a conversation with Kendall privately that you decided to give him your support.

He had the most experience, he was the one who had always wanted it the most. His name was on that paper, and he had been promised the position. You were never promised the position, you were never promised anything higher than what you had now. Plus, there was a public opinion thing. People in the public thought of you as a baby because that was how your father made them think of you, that was the angle he spun. A daddy’s girl, not quite ready for the big leagues but just on the precipice of it. Kendall promised to keep you in the position you were in now, and he promised that if he were to retain his position of CEO in the event of the deal not going through, he would help you shift your public image to become someone that the public respects a little more, so maybe you can become co-CEO one day, or take over when he decides to retire.

Chances were high that he was blowing smoke up your ass, but you knew he was right about him being the best option. People would be less likely to side with all of you if it were you, they would think it odd that the youngest of the siblings was the one taking over the company that you’ve only worked at for four years. Plus, Lukas floated the idea of going public with your relationship multiple times, and seemed dead set on doing so once the vote was through - regardless of who’s favor it ended up swinging in.

There was a part of you that was sad. You had been playing second fiddle to your older brothers your entire life, and you really didn’t want to do it anymore. But there was nothing you could do, they were right and you needed to work on making people respect you. In the long-term, it really didn’t matter. Lukas had a good chance of winning the vote and taking the company, if and when that were to come to fruition, the two of you had a pretty solid and straightforward deal where you would come help him with work in Sweden.

On the topic of Lukas, you had spent most of the night prior speaking to him on the phone. It seemed like there was only one thing that was comforting you upon the death of your father, and that one thing was Lukas Matsson. He wasn’t the most outwardly comforting person, and he really wasn’t good at expressing his emotions, let alone dealing with and understanding other people’s. It didn’t help that he was in a different country, and that you wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and feel the warmth of his body. But he was there, and he was doing his best.

But there was something… strange going on. You have been friends with Tom for a while now. Everyone knew the two of you were friends, it really wasn’t a big deal. But the thing was, you mainly only talked in person. He texted you once in a while if he needed something, or if he couldn’t get in contact with your sister. But the two of you were talking more now, mainly about business, but also about your father. About how you were feeling. It was nice to have a friend, but you also had the mind to know that part of it was probably because he was afraid. Your father was the person in his corner, the person rooting for him to be successful in the company. With his marital issues with Shiv, you didn’t know if he was going to remain a part of the family, and you were sure he was feeling that pressure as well. Maybe he just needed something to latch on to, but you didn’t particularly mind it. You wanted to have more people to talk to, there was a large part of you that felt a Logan Roy sized hole in your heart, soul and mind. You wanted to fill it with more people, with as many people as you could get. If Tom wanted to be one of those people, for whatever reason, you weren’t going to stop him.

No matter how much you liked having these friends, though, nobody propped you up as much as Lukas did. It was strange. You knew that. Your entire relationship with him was entirely unorthodox. It started with sex. It was supposed to just be sex, something that wouldn’t get in the way of the business, or your relationship with your father or your siblings. Something that wouldn’t stop you from becoming what you needed to be, from progressing in the company. You didn’t think you were ready for a relationship, you just wanted to pretend to be something that you weren’t. You wanted to pretend to be free, when in reality you knew that you weren’t.

Being with Lukas felt different. You were making your own choice to be with him, and throughout your life, you really weren’t encouraged to make your own choices. It was a personal decision, probably one of the only personal decisions that you had ever made. You didn’t sleep around, you’d really only slept with two people in your life and only one of them prior to Lukas was ever actually able to make you cum. You couldn’t sleep around, not when you knew that people were biting their nails, looking for reasons to hate the Roy’s. Looking for a way to destroy the legacy of all of you. And not when you knew that your father was keeping his watchful eyes on you.

You didn’t know who you could trust, sometimes, you really felt like you couldn’t trust anyone. You had been flirted with and said the most vile, perverted, disgusting things to once you reached the ripe age of sixteen because people wanted to consolidate power. Older men at galas trying to set you up with their sons, or themselves. They would get angry when you would reject their indecent proposals, they’re call you all sorts of names that would get them kicked out of the gala because your father was ultimately more powerful than all of them. But that was just the thing. Your power had always come from your father, and without him, without that, you felt like you were nothing. You felt scared, like you were floating in the middle of the sea on a raft that couldn’t take you back to land. Like there was a chance someone could come airlift you, but in reality, you knew that you needed to find a way to do it yourself. If you didn’t, you would die.

Kendall was offering to be your airlift. He always had been. He helped you when nobody else would. Like when you were eighteen, and you got angry at one of your classmates and fought her in the parking lot until you broke her nose. Your father would have killed you if he found out, but Kendall covered it up. Was it amoral? Probably. But he was your brother, and he didn’t want to see you go to jail. But more importantly, it just went to show how little regard either of you had for the outside world. But that was also the problem with Kendall. He was self-serving, incredibly so. He might be offering to airlift you from the sea now, to let you keep the power that you had now. To help you grow in power now. But would he be if he became CEO after the vote? There was no part of you that was under the impression that Kendall wouldn’t cut you loose and betray you if he felt like you, or your relationship, was in any way threatening to him or his ambitions.

That wasn’t just a problem with Kendall, but with everyone in this industry. You couldn’t really trust anyone, and that was something that you had always known. It was why you didn’t really have any friends, and most of why you never let anyone in. People wanted to use you, to betray you and hurt you in ways that you weren’t equipped to handle. It was difficult for you to trust people, but Lukas was different. He was the exception for a reason that you couldn’t quite define.

By all means, he wasn’t especially trustworthy. He was savage and power-hungry like your father was. He did horrifically strange things like send people his blood. He wasn’t a normal person, you weren’t even sure that he was a good person. But he was your person, the one person that you trusted more than you trusted anyone else. The one person, in your entire life, that you had let in that wasn’t a part of your family. Tom was different. You let him in, sure, but he was family in a sense. Rava had been there since you were young, and your fathers revolving door of women didn’t last long enough for you to ever need to trust any of them anyway.

Lukas wasn’t family. He was someone who wanted to buy your father’s company. Someone who wanted to alter the trajectory of your life, and your siblings lives. But you trusted him, you wanted to trust him, you wanted to let him in. Nothing else mattered.

Last night, the night after the wake, you went home alone. Kendall offered to let you stay with him again, but you needed to face your own penthouse for once. At this point, you had garnered a collection of Lukas’ sweaters, and he FaceTimed with you while you picked one to put on. You chose the one that you’d stolen from him the first time, a blue cardigan that went a little lower than his hips on him, but looked kind of like a robe on anyone that wasn’t a giant viking of a man like he was.

Like the night prior, he stayed on the phone with you for the entire night. You were more put together, less of a mess. You were able to speak frankly with him about everything that happened, and he was able to make sure that you were actually okay and not just a little manic. To be honest… you were a little manic, but not enough that it was going to destroy your work ethic. You opened up to him on the phone, you were honest about how you would be okay, not just because you knew your father’s death would come eventually, but because you had him by your side. You expected that to overwhelm him, but it didn’t. He promised to stick by your side, and you fully trusted him. You had no reason not to trust him, well, no personal reason. He had obvious flaws in his personality and mental health and… there was some underlying thing going on there. But he’d never done anything to hurt you, or make you think that he didn’t care about you. There was no reason that you could think of to write off what he said to you, so you didn’t.

Last night you fell asleep on the phone again, and woke up to him lying in bed and scrolling through Twitter. The two of you followed each other, and embarrassingly enough had each other’s Tweet notifications on, so you were a bit surprised to see about ten Tweets in your push notifications from him. They were odd Tweets, three of them were just random memes that he found on the internet. They alluded to ‘things coming’ business-wise, and one particularly bizarre one about how gray weather made his bones hurt with a ‘bone-hurt-juice’ meme attached to it. But you found them amusing and talked to him while you got ready for work.

That was what led you to now, just about to leave Waystar to get on the jet to Norway, and speaking to Lukas on the phone. You hadn’t expected him to call you since he knew that you had business to attend to at work, and considering that you had literally just got off of the phone with him, but there were a few things he forgot to say to you earlier, and he wanted to say them to you over the phone - though he enjoyed texting you, he also liked hearing your voice, and he liked that you preferred to FaceTime with him rather than just call him. It made it easier to be so long-distance.

“Hey, we’re just about to leave.”

“I know, are you sure you’re okay with this?” He asked, sitting somewhere that looked like an airplane. You examined the background a bit more, it was definitely his jet, you’d been on it numerous times.

“With what? Going to Norway?”

He nodded, “And being on that plane.”

“Right.” You hadn’t really considered that you were taking the jet, the same jet that you had just been on two days ago. The jet that you had used to fly to see Lukas a few times in (not often, it was the company plane).

“Because if you’re not comfortable with the plane I can send one of mine-”

“No, no. I’m okay, my siblings are going to be with me.” Even just looking at him through the phone you felt comforted. Something about him made you comfortable, though you knew exactly what that thing was. You loved him, obviously, you just wished that this was going to be under better circumstances. “I’m okay with going, a little excited, actually.”

“Oh? Why are you excited?” He looked amused, he knew exactly why you were excited and just wanted to hear you say it.

“I really like hanging out with Oskar-”

“I’m uninviting your company.”

“Oh fuck off, you know I’m excited to see you.” You hadn’t noticed that you’d managed to crack a smile, for just one moment you forgot about everything going on around you. But your usage of your father’s favorite phrase grounded you, because you would never hear him say that again. “I’ll be there. Will we- where are you sleeping?”

“You can sleep with me, I gave you a room for… appearances.” Appearances, obviously. It made no sense, the lengths the two of you were going. Everyone invited to the retreat knew about your relationship, but you understood it. Not giving you a room and just having you sleep with him might look a bit too forward, and might make people think that the two of you can’t handle a professional relationship. “Have you thought about going public with it next week?”

“Yeah, I think… I think it’s a good idea.” You weren’t honestly sure if it was a good idea, you hadn’t done anything to change your public image and it was coming on the tail-end of your father dying. It might look like strange timing, but you were going to be going to work and live with him in Sweden in a few months, it was going to need to come out eventually. There was never going to be a time that felt like ‘good timing’, it was best to just be forward and direct about it at some point of your choosing. Maybe this was it.

“I brought your jacket, by the way. You forgot it last time you were with me.” That felt like an eternity ago, but it had been a little under a week since you were last with Lukas.

“Think it smells like you?”

“Probably, I’ve been sniffing it all week. I left a surprise in the pocket.”

“Was it blood?”

“A small bag, yes.”

He was joking, you were joking. It felt natural and normal and sometimes you found it odd that you could joke about him giving you bags of his blood. “Good, I’ve been waiting to receive some blood from you. I check my mailbox every morning and then cry.”

“Well, you know, America’s customs are shit.” He had a small smile on his face, and it made you feel so comfortable. You loved seeing him smile, you loved that you could joke with him. It felt like he was the one constant in your life, the one person who wasn’t using you for personal gain. Though he stood to gain from this relationship in the beginning, what did he gain now? Your vote was one vote, the only thing he was gaining was someone to spend time with.

“Oh, I thought I should let you know. Karolina is telling me I should stay out of the acquisition proceedings going forward. Optics and all that, people are going to think I’m just giving it to you because I like you. Which… honestly I am.” You didn’t give much thought to the deal to begin with. You wanted him to get it because you loved him, and if you were certain that people wouldn’t find out that you voted for him and that you fought for this you would consider participating. But people liked finding things out, and you couldn’t risk that.

“I figured you wouldn’t be involved.”

“Yet you invited me anyway?”

“I wanted to see my girlfriend, I have needs too.” He rarely used the term girlfriend, it felt kind of juvenile to say girlfriend and boyfriend even though that was what you were to each other. Hearing him say it was so validating, and you couldn’t deny the way that it made your heart flutter.

“Good, that’s good. I miss you.”

“I know you do, I miss you too.”

“Right, um-” You glanced at the time, you had about two minutes to get down to that car with Kendall before people started thinking that you were taking a massive shit in the bathroom. “I have to go, before people think I had Chipotle for breakfast.”

“What does-”

“I’ll explain later. Bye, love you.” You were quick to hang up, booking it down the hallway and toward the elevator. You wished your building had express elevators, you would need to raise that with the new Interim CEO at some point. Quickly, you made it outside and slid into Kendall’s car, he didn’t bat an eyelash at you not taking your own. You hardly took your own, and Fikret liked you a little more than he liked Kendall even though he would never admit it.

“Took you long enough.”

“I was… on my period?”

“Why would you rather have me think that you couldn’t figure out a tampon than tell me you were talking to Matsson?”

“I don’t know, Jesus Kendall. I can use tampons. Why are we talking about this?”

“You brought it up.”

“Fikret, can you please get me away from him as quickly as possible?”

“Right away.”

“See, Fikret’s on my side.”

“Fikret is always on your side. It’s like he’s not even my driver.” He crossed his arms as he looked at you, a smile crossing over your lips as you reached over to pat his cheek.

“There, there. I’m on your side Kenny, don’t you worry.”

“Are you sure you’re not team Matsson?”

“Aw, don’t be like that. It’s not my fault he has a big-”

“Oh my god. Get out of my car.” He didn’t seem genuinely mad, in fact, if you were in a better frame of mind you would be able to pick up on the fact that he was just trying to comfort you. Making you smile was always how he distracted you when you were upset, it was nothing new for him to be doing it right now.

“No, I don’t think I will.” You reached out to grab onto his hand in confirmation that you, in fact, would not be jumping out of his car. He, despite his faux-annoyed expression, wrapped his fingers around your hand and reached into his pocket to get his phone out. “Oh, Ken, I was talking to Karolina-”

“She wants you to stay out of business, doesn’t she?” He seemed to have known this was coming, and he didn’t look particularly happy about it.

“Not exactly, she just doesn’t want me to be a deciding factor in anything. I can still know about business and be a part of it.” He seemed to relax with that, “I think she’s right, our credibility as a company would be shot if people found out that I made a decision regarding whether or not my boyfriend bought our company.”

Kendall nodded, turning his phone off after sending a message to Roman. He turned to look over at you, “What about Waystar Studios? Can you help us with that fucking mess?”

“Oh, yeah. Obviously.” There was no reason why you couldn’t help with things regarding Waystar Studios, and the dumpster fire that was going on with the new movie that the company was supposed to be releasing. You were pretty good at PR to begin with, it was one of your stronger attributes when it came to working.

Kendall was silent for a moment, tapping on the back of your hand while he was trying to figure out what it was that he wanted to say. Finally, he spoke. “Are you sure about getting on this flight? We can call a different plane for you.”

“Lukas already offered, I’m fine, Ken.” You were not fine, you were pretending to be fine but it was plain to see that you were absolutely not fine. But you were getting on this jet whether you wanted to or not. “Being on a plane regardless of which one it is going to suck, but it’s better to be with you guys.”

He nodded, finally making eye contact with you as you looked over at him. “Okay.” He didn’t need to say anything else, there was no arguing with you once you had your mind made up. The thing was, he was always the one to comfort you. The one to clean you up when you were crying and your father thought that you were being embarrassing. The one who had your back when that article came out defaming you and making your father think that you had allowed some disgruntled employee into your bedroom. He may have been the second oldest, but he always filled that oldest brother role the best that he could. Well, almost always. Again, Kendall could be very self-serving, but if it weren’t for the business aspect, you doubted that he would be anything other than a good older brother.

It didn’t take very long to arrive at the jet, and as much as you wanted to believe that you were going to be okay with this, you almost felt like you were having a panic attack as you got out of the car. Your hand tightened around Kendall’s as he helped you out of the car, standing a bit closer as he turned to look at you. This was daunting, it was terrifying seeing the jet again. Knowing that the last time you were here, the last time you saw this, you were coming off of this plane directly after the death of your father.

“Take a breath, you don’t have to do this.”

“I do, I can’t just-” You closed your eyes for a moment, inhaling and exhaling like he suggested. Once you opened them, you felt more centered. “I can’t refuse to accept what happened forever, I have to do this.

It spoke more about how you were raised than it did about you that you were worried about getting stuck in your ways only two days after your father died. But Kendall understood it the same way you did. Showing emotion was frowned upon, afterall, your parents made you all look into the mirror while you were crying so you would know how stupid it made you look. Who were you to continue showing your emotions less than forty-eight hours after the death of your father?

You did your best to remain calm as you got onto the jet. Kendall let you continue to hold onto his hand as he walked with you, your eyes straight forward as you stepped inside. Though you could feel your heart pounding in your chest, it wasn’t quite as bad as you expected once you sat down. You didn’t feel like the world was collapsing anymore, and his body was no longer here. There was a lingering weird feeling about being in the same place where you had lost so much only two days ago, but you didn’t feel panicky.

“You okay?” Roman asked, sitting across from you and Kendall as you turned to look at him. You’d let go of your brother's hand, searching through your pockets to find your phone and charger and plugging them into the outlet underneath the table before you spoke.

“I’m okay, I think. I’ll be fine. Probably should have peed before I came in here, though.”

“You were in the bathroom-”

“I was on the phone with Lukas, shut up.”

Kendall raised his hands defensively, Roman, though, still didn’t like Lukas. In fact, you were pretty sure that he absolutely hated Lukas. He was the one that seemed to disapprove the most of your relationship with him, so it didn’t surprise you that he didn’t look very impressed that you had been spending time on the phone with him before you got on the jet with everyone else.

“Would you guys mind if I took a nap?” You turned to look over at Shiv, who was sitting across from the three of you. “Hey, Shiv.”

“Hey, are you sure you can be here?” Everyone was treating you like you were fragile and breakable, but everyone had always treated you like you were fragile and breakable. The thing was, they all were right, you were breaking down on the inside even though you were outwardly refusing to accept it. You’d had your breakdown, your snot and mascara covered face had been posted to just about every single news outlet in the country. You couldn’t imagine how your father would feel knowing that everyone saw how stupid you looked when you cried, and you never really bothered to text your mother. It wasn’t like she would answer, anyway.

“I’m okay, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.” It wasn’t good, either. Knowing that he died here, knowing that you were looking straight toward the place where it had happened. You weren’t feeling great, but you didn’t feel like you might open the emergency exit and jump out of the jet if you started to think about it too much.

Ultimately, nobody minded that you decided to take a nap. You weren’t particularly tired, but you really would rather be asleep than continue to stare at the place your father had died just a few days ago. It was easier to sleep through it, especially because you were used to sleeping on jets at this point. Maybe you should have just gone to the bed, laid down somewhere more comfortable than the seat that you slept sitting up in. But you didn’t want to be alone, you would take being with your siblings over laying in a bed by yourself, thinking about what happened just a few days prior.

By the time that you were finally awake, you were being shaken awake by Shiv. “We’re here.”

“Oh, cool.” It felt like when you were kids again, and you’d fall asleep in the car. She usually only woke you so your father wouldn’t notice that you had fallen asleep, you both knew that just about anything could put him in a mood - even something as small as that. “Remember when I fell asleep on the flight to Paris? I think you guys thought I was dead.”

“Frank had to call for help, I remember.” She smiled a bit, taking your hand to help you up. She also just so happened to remember that you tended to get dizzy when you first woke up, and kept an arm around you while you stabilized yourself. “Are you still helping with the deal?”

“Oh, no. I’m not allowed to, Karolina benched me.” You shrugged, walking off the plane with her. You weren’t sure where anyone else was, and you weren’t really concerned with it. “Well, she suggested that I take the bench. But she’s right, I think.”

“It would be terrible for optics if you voted.” She admitted, walking with you to the car that you were taking. “Do Kendall and Roman know?”

“Kendall does, I don’t know about Roman.” You shrugged, getting into the car and turning to look at her. “I’ll tell Roman later, though.”

As the door was closed, you found yourself on your phone again. You sent a message to Lukas, letting him know that you were on your way. He responded with a simple smiling emoji and a heart emoji - sometimes, his texting habits made it easy to forget that he was a fully grown man. But it made you smile regardless, especially considering that you were finally going to see him in person.

The car ride, however, was kind of rough. You were alone, nobody there to support you or make you feel like things were going to be okay. You were excited to get there, to see Lukas again and to discuss things with him about your position in the company in the event of the acquisition going forward, but you were alone with your thoughts until you got there. Alone to think about what was going to happen now that your father was gone, to think about how this deal could go terribly wrong without him here to handle things. You loved your brothers, you loved Lukas, but they weren’t your father when it came to business - as much as all three of them seemed to want to be, nobody was as good at this as he was. It was going to be messy, and there was going to be fallout, far more fallout than there would have been if he hadn’t died.

There was a large part of you that was relieved that Karolina had asked you to stay out of it, that your siblings agreed that it would be a bad idea. Maybe you didn’t have to go through any turmoil, maybe it would be easier because you weren’t going to be asked to choose between what the person you were in love with wanted, and what your siblings wanted. But maybe they were all going to find a way to muck it up anyway, because nothing could ever be simple when you were born into the Roy family. It was almost like a curse, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was coming.

Regardless, you got out of the car upon your arrival and made your way to the room you were given. It was nice, seemingly bigger than the one that your brothers had received from the text you got from Roman complaining about his tiny room. But there was something on your bed, a coat - your coat. Nice of Lukas to let himself in before you got here. It was rather chilly outside, so you were quick to pull the coat over your body. It was… it smelled like him, it smelled like both of you. The muskiness of his cologne, his natural almost woodsy scene, mixed with the lingering sweetness of your chosen perfume. It was the perfect combination of both of you, and you almost just wanted to melt into it as you sat on the bed and reached into the pocket.

Sure enough, there was something waiting for you - but it wasn’t blood like he’s joked about on the phone. It was a cookie, your favorite cookie, in a small box. There was a note on the top of it, ‘I know you didn’t eat anything, I promise I didn’t cook it’. Lukas has some of the worst cooking of anyone you knew, but his baking somehow ended up being even worse than that. He was right, you hadn’t found time to eat before you came here, and the gesture made you want to hug him right then and there, but you had to wait until your siblings were ready to go before you could see him.

Sending a text to Roman to ask when you would be leaving, you ate the cookie and left the box on the small table within the room. Roman let you know that all of you could leave whenever you were ready, so you quickly cleaned yourself up and went outside to meet everyone.

“Rome, I need to talk to you about something.” You caught up with him, linking your arm with his as you left with your siblings and some of the upper-level Waystar staff.

“Did Connor put you up to this? He won’t leave me alone about the fucking funeral.”

“What? No.” You shook your head, turning to look at him with a questioning look in your eyes. “I’ve talked to Karolina and our siblings, everyone thinks I should probably not weigh in on the acquisition.”

“Oh, yeah, no shit. Were you planning on it?” There was a part of you that knew why he didn’t want you involved. He didn’t like Lukas, he has hated him more now than he did when they met. He didn’t want you involved because he knew there was a good chance that you would vote in favor of him, and help him secure the win, rather than doing what he believed would be best for the family. Still, you wouldn’t be impartial, so you couldn’t blame him for not wanting you to be involved with it when he knew your vote would be moderately self-serving.

“I don’t know, I guess I was but then-” You didn’t really want to talk about it. You were planning on being a part of things, you already were a part of things. But without your father, the people running Waystar for the time being were against the acquisition, and the person who wanted you involved because you would swing it his way was dead now. “It doesn’t matter, I’m not voting anymore.”

“What if he fucks you over?” He asked, lowly, in a way that told you that he didn’t really want the rest of your siblings to hear it.

“If he fucks me over- I don’t know, he won’t.” He might. You really don’t know, it felt like you were just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but you had no idea what shoe it was that you were waiting for. “Maybe I’ll try to kill it, maybe I’ll be an adult about it and stay out of it. But I don’t want to think about that, it won’t happen.”

Roman could have said a million things about your confidence in Lukas’ ability to be a good partner to you, to not fuck you over now that your father wasn’t around to give you any protection. But he opted to keep it to himself, and return to his conversation with Kendall and Shiv.

Upon arriving, you could almost feel palpable excitement in your body. It didn’t take you very long to find Lukas, who openly welcomed you with a hug. There was no need for the two of you to hide anything, no need for you to not nestle your head against his chest like you wanted to live there. Everyone here was on a need to know basis besides the people working security, and they were typically under strict NDA to keep whatever they saw to themselves.

“I missed you.” He mumbled, letting you pull back just enough for him to press his lips against yours. It was chaste, obviously, you weren’t going to make out with him in front of your family members. But it was soft, and it was warm, and there was a big part of you that felt like his kiss was home. That part of you was also probably in control of the fluttering in your stomach as you reacted to him telling you that he missed you - it was usually you telling him that, not the other way around.

“I missed you too.” You responded, pulling back but grabbing onto his hand as he went to greet everyone else. It was odd, seeing the looks that they were giving you. It was the first time that you had been with him in front of your siblings, though not in front of The Old Guard. They’d seen you with him when he came to speak to your father with you. Still, you could see a bit of discomfort on each of your siblings' faces. But it didn’t matter, not really. He made you comfortable, and happy, and you wished that they would take some time to get used to that.

Regardless of your promise to stay uninvolved, Lukas, Roman and Kendall let you go with them to discuss business. You, however, became immediately distracted by the way that Lukas decided to pull his jacket over his body, but you only pulled up a chair beside where he would be sitting and let him take your hand again as you fought with your brain to not think about that right now. Honestly, it wasn’t very hard to not get turned on at the moment, considering everything that you were going through. All you needed to do to kill your libido was think about what had just happened, and how your siblings were only here because of the personal tragedy that you’d all gone through.

Lukas somewhat opened up to your siblings about his past, about his father. He seemed more casual about it, more joking than he was when he told you. It was… strange. His tone speaking to your brothers was mainly different from how he spoke to you, but it also made sense. He wasn’t sleeping with them, he wasn’t talking to them as much as he talked to you. Still, it was interesting to see the difference.

But then he started talking business, and gosh how you wished you could speak. He wanted to acquire ATN, and that was absolutely not a part of the deal.

“You look like you want to say something.” Roman stated, everyone’s eyes falling on you as you glanced around the room, shrugging as you looked at all three of them.

“I shouldn’t.”

“Go ahead, it won’t leave this room.” Lukas wanted to know what you wanted to say, but you couldn’t help but worry that he wasn’t going to like it.

“I just think… maybe… maybe ATN should stay off the table.” You reasoned, staring at your lap before looking back over at him. He didn’t look upset, or angry, but there was a trace amount of disappointment that you could easily make out on his face. “Or talk to Tom first, he’s the one running it now.”

“Which one is-”

“Shiv’s husband.” Kendall spoke up, “Or, ex-husband, I don’t know what they’re doing anymore.”

“It seems like you’re having second thoughts.” Roman, of course, was the one to pry. He was the one that wanted you to go against the deal more than anyone else, but you weren’t going to waver on your stance of not taking a stance just because Roman was applying some pressure.

“I’m not, I’m not voting.” You were solidified in your opinion. “Regardless of ATN, I’m biased. You might not like what I vote for, Rome.”

“You can’t just vote for him because he’s your boyfriend.”

“Right, that’s why I’m not voting.”

Kendall was the one to diffuse the tension, getting things back on track. Lukas let you absentmindedly play with his fingers, trying to destress yourself from what was going on. You weren’t voting so you could avoid turmoil with your siblings, but here it was, presenting itself anyway. Maybe this was the other shoe that you were waiting for, maybe it was the argument between yourself and Roman that was brewing on the horizon that your mind had been warning you about. But you couldn’t stop yourself from fearing that it was something else entirely.

By the time they were finished speaking, Kendall turned back to look at you. You were still sitting down, eyeing him with a silent question. “Are you coming back with Lukas?”

“I mean-” You turned to look at Lukas, who nodded in response. Of course you would prefer to come back with Lukas, you know this retreat means that you won’t be able to spend very much time with him. Sure, there may be moments, but this was for networking - for business. Having a few moments alone with him, without the watchful and judgemental gaze of your family and co-workers, was ideal for you. “Yeah, Yeah. I’ll meet you guys down there later.”

Roman and Kendall left the room, leaving you alone with Lukas. The moment they shut the door you moved over, Lukas accepting your touch with open arms as you plopped yourself down on his lap. “We only have a few minutes, you know.” He stated, a bit wistfully, as he ran his hand over your cheek. “Are you okay?”

“As okay as I can be two days after my dad died.” You mumbled, leaning into his touch. Lukas moved forward slightly, his lips connecting with yours. It was soft and… distracting. You could get lost in it, one of your arms wrapping around the back of his neck. It felt like you could stop thinking about what happened, about your emotional turmoil and the deep loss that you had been feeling for the past few days.

But Lukas pulled back, and you wished that he hadn’t. The moment he did, the moment your eyes opened, you could see your surroundings again. This wasn’t your summer home that the two of you had been hiding away in, or his house in Sweden. This was Norway, this was a retreat with your entire family. “This might not be pretty, you know.”

“Business is never pretty when my siblings are involved in it.” You acknowledged, reaching up to hold his cheek in your hand. You noticed the way that he leaned into it, the warmth of his cheek deepening as you brushed your thumb over his surprisingly soft skin. You could spend an eternity just sitting here with him, but you were sure that he already knew that you would spend an eternity with him if you could. “I wish we could just- I want to leave with you.”

“You can, once the vote goes through.”

“But our deal here is months away-”

“It doesn’t have to be, you could come stay with me next week.” He reasoned, your eyes searching his face. This wasn’t what you agreed upon, “Actually, you don’t have to go home at all.”

“Of course I do, I have business and… belongings-”

“Someone can get your things, and I think people would understand if you didn’t attend any more business. For… obvious reasons.” He was right, to be fair. You didn’t really need to be involved in a moving process at all, and if you were to move in with him, you wouldn’t be. You had more than enough money to have people do it for you, and he had more than enough empty space in his home for all of your things. And if people knew about your relationship, and about your dad dying, chances are nobody would hold it against you that you opted out of business proceedings regarding the acquisition. But you had other business to attend to. Namely, you were setting up a presentation with Kendall tomorrow.

“I-” You might need time to think about it, but… why? You were happiest with him, you felt like you were comfortable and at home with him. And maybe it was unorthodox, and he was unorthodox, and this entire relationship was entirely and completely bizarre to the people surrounding you (specifically Roman), but why should you let any of that hold you back? You weren’t used to having these kinds of decisions presented to you, so it was a bit stressful. Still when you looked into his eyes, you knew what you wanted. “I think that would be good.”

There was a smile on his face, and it made you smile. You leaned into him, your lips brushing against his, silently asking if you could kiss him again. He happily (and greedily) obliged. His kiss was all consuming, like a declaration, or a signature on a document confirming that this was real, that it was happening. You gripped the back of his shirt, your breathing speeding up as you deepened it, but it didn’t last.

A knock at the door broke you both apart - you needed to return to the retreat, there was loads of business that needed to be attended to and the two of you could not just sit around making out and pretending that you didn’t have responsibilities for the time being.

Lukas took your hand as he walked with you to the helicopter that he was taking back, a far-faster route than the lift that you had taken with your siblings on the way here. “When we get back, I have to change. Do you want to come?” His lips were beside your ear, your hand tightly holding onto his. “And, later, we can go back to your room for an hour. Does that sound okay?”

“Please.” You responded, eager to know that you were going to have time away from the chaos of an acquisition and the stress of business. You felt his hand tighten around yours, helping you get into the helicopter and sliding in beside you. He didn’t stop you from resting your head against his shoulder, your eyes falling closed - though you never could fall asleep in helicopters for whatever reason. It seemed like, lately, no matter how much sleep you got you were never rested. Despite sleeping on the plane, you still felt like your eyes were heavy. Maybe all that crying had done some permanent damage, or maybe it was because this acquisition had you living in a state of permanent stress.

Whatever the reason, even with his touch you couldn’t seem to get any rest during the few minutes it took to rejoin everyone else. Maybe it was because you knew you would be off of the helicopter soon enough, or because of the essence of it being a helicopter, or just because of the stress of knowing what awaited you from your siblings. Whatever the reason, you didn’t even doze off as you laid your head against him.

Once you were out of the helicopter he was speaking to his cohorts, explaining to them that he was going to put something warmer on because he was going to be outside for a while. You’d grown more comfortable with Oskar and Ebba over time, so you didn’t feel odd letting them watch him wrap an arm around you while he walked you back to the house that he was staying in. It was different from his house, less like a home - but it was nice regardless.

It was rather cold outside, but it was cold back home too. “Thank you for my coat, by the way. And the cookie, you were right about my eating habits.”

“I know. I know you.” He did know you, he probably knew you a little better than most considering that you spent so much time speaking with him. He knew when you did and did not eat, and he knew that you often had to be reminded to eat. You liked to make a joke about it, tell him that John F Kennedy also had to be reminded to eat, but he didn’t find it awfully funny. It wasn’t your fault that your mother raised you with minimal food in the house. “What were you talking about on the phone?”

“What- Oh. Chipotle is a restaurant, apparently it makes people’s bowels move.” You had never been there, not just because you were wealthy but also because you were deathly afraid of the horror stories that people shared of them blowing up the bathroom. “I ended up lying to Ken and saying I was on my period anyway so… I didn’t save myself much embarrassment.”

“Too embarrassed to be on the phone with your boyfriend?”

“Considering that I was texting you all morning, I’m pretty sure he would have gotten just a little annoyed. People don’t like overly close couples.” At least, you were pretty sure people don't like overly close couples. “Maybe they do, I don’t really have any good role models when it comes to romance.”

He hummed, walking towards his bedroom and taking out a darkly-colored knit sweater. As he removed his jacket and t-shirt, you couldn’t help the way that you stared at him. “Stop eyefucking me, we don’t have time.”

“I can’t help it.” You responded, casually shrugging as you walked closer to him. He didn’t stop you from letting your hand rest on his hip, your fingers tracing over his skin as though you were tracing a piece of art. “I missed you, a lot.”

“I know, but you don’t need to anymore.” Right, you were being promised to never need to miss him again. His fingers touched the bottom of your chin, his other hand still holding onto his sweater. “Do you need anything before we leave?”

If you were to wager a guess, you were pretty sure that he was trying to get you to borrow some of his clothes. Lukas was… possessive. If he wasn’t possessive, he wouldn’t have a PR nightmare on his hands with his weird little blood-brick collection. Glancing around the room, shrugged.

Lukas spoke before you could respond, “Actually, I have something for you.” He looked like a lightbulb went on over his head as he slid the sweater on top of his body, much to your chagrin. He grabbed a small box from the nightstand, opening it up and showing you what was inside. “I thought you would like this.”

It was a necklace with a little mermaid charm on it, he knew very well that when it came to necklaces you liked things with fun little charms on them. “God, you know me so well. I love it, thank you.”

He turned you around, taking the necklace out of the box. You brushed your hair out of the way, your breath speeding up a bit as you felt him slot his body directly behind you. He was pressed against you, his fingers delicately connecting the necklace in the back before letting you drop your hair. You turned back to look at him, his lips against yours pretty much the moment your eyes locked.

You genuinely couldn’t get enough of his touch, of the feeling of his hands beneath your coat, holding onto your hips. Of his thumbs rolling over your clothes skin, and the slight familiar burn of his facial hair against your skin. He tasted so familiar, and his lips against yours just felt natural at this point. You felt absorbed by him, your body completely melting against his as your arms wrapped about him.

Lukas pulled back, but not very far. His breath was fanning over your lips, your fingers were curled into the sweater he was wearing. “Is it bad that I kind of want to fuck you right now?”

Your breath caught in your throat, your eyes scanning over his before you spoke. “It’s worse that I want to fuck you too, I think.” By all means, you should not want to fuck him right now. He should not want to fuck you right now, not so soon after your father died. But he was so distracting, and you could really think about anything else when you were kissing him. “Maybe we should-”

“In a little bit, once we can get away from everyone.” Right, that hour of freedom that he had promised you. You were going to hold onto that like it was your life blood.

“Fine, fine.” You leaned up to press a kiss against the corner of his mouth, before walking outside to join him with everyone else. He sat down with the people that he already knew, and despite the bit of Swedish that you had learned, you couldn’t make out a majority of the conversation that he was having with them. It really didn’t matter, though, your mind was elsewhere. It was like the moment that you weren’t kissing him, or hidden away from the rest of the world with him, everything in your brain was crashing down. It felt desolate, like the world was ending, almost like your time spent with him was just the eye of the hurricane. You still couldn’t stop thinking that something was going to go wrong, but maybe you were just so used to something going wrong when it came to your siblings and business that you were incapable of thinking about this retreat in a more positive light.

After a few moments, someone else joined you at the table, your eyes moving up to meet Tom’s. Oh god, what is he planning?

Embarrassment, embarrassment was what he was planning, he was absolutely humiliating himself in front of everyone and seemingly laughing through it. The moment Lukas brought up France you had your fingers pinching the bridge of your nose, the second-hand embarrassment coming through even from across the table.

“I think what Tom is trying to say is that he-” What was he trying to say? He was making himself look like an ass who cared about America and America only. That stance didn’t work with most Americans, let alone someone from another country. “He’s, um, he’s too busy to catch up on the news from other places, you know? Running ATN takes a lot of hard work.”

There were… a lot of olive branches in that defense. Trying to help Tom come back from his humiliation, trying to convince Lukas that maybe buying ATN wasn’t the best thing for him. Your father was dead set on keeping ATN, and the idea of losing the one thing that he had died fighting to keep wasn’t something that you were sure you were particularly comfortable with. Sure, you wouldn’t be losing it because you would be helping Lukas, but the rest of your family would be. And Tom, your good friend Tom, would be out of a job.

“Oh, are you two friends?” Lukas questioned, tightening his hold on your hand. Was now really a good time for him to be getting possessive? This was a dumpster fire.

“Yeah, we’re friends.” You responded, not shying away from the truth but running your finger over his knuckle to reassure him that you weren’t anything more than good friends.

He didn’t get a chance to respond, nor did Tom. Greg decided to join in, and for once in your life, you were not happy to see him. He was going to humiliate himself, and Tom was only humiliating himself further. You set your elbow on the table and covered your face with your hand, trying to disappear or have them forget that you, too, are tied to this family. Kendall, thankfully, came in to help out when people started to question whether or not Greg was even invited.

That relief didn’t last long, because Kendall didn’t look particularly happy. He didn’t want to sell ATN, and he seemed to be willing to go down with the deal if he meant blocking that portion of it. Finally, Roman looked back at you - you knew that he wasn’t happy with you, you could feel the hotness of his glare. It was unlike him to be so mad at you, the two of you were typically attached to each other like a two-pack set. But now he looked like he wished you weren’t family, now he was making you want to sink into your seat just like your dad used to do.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He commented, Lukas turning to look at you.

“She’s not voting, Roman.”

“I just want to know what she’s thinking. Don’t you value honesty in your relationship?” You sighed, he wasn’t going to back down, and Shiv and Kendall were looking at you expectantly too. He knew that you weren’t interested in selling ATN, you made that clear earlier.

“I think-” You collected your thoughts. Lukas seemed to want to turn ATN into something it wasn’t, a moderate platform. “I think your ideas are in the right place, but they’re not going to work.” You stated, turning to look at Lukas. He looked a little taken aback, but didn’t interrupt you. “ATN is a far-right media brand, no left-leaning centrist or liberal is going to start watching if it goes moderate because of its past. The right-wingers will stop watching because it no longer appeals to them. You’re going to lose all of the audience, and gain none. I get where you’re coming from, but it won’t work.”

Roman seemed relieved, and he seemed to let it get to his head with his next words. Him and Kendall were being blunt, honest, cornering him and not treating him how your dad did. He was angry, and he was getting combative with them. His words were… they were mean. They were hurtful, and they were wholly unprofessional. But you didn’t want that to interfere with your relationship with him, you didn’t want anything to do with this deal to begin with.

Nobody was happy by the time the conversation was over, it felt like you had a perpetual frown etched onto your face at this point. There was something unfamiliar that you felt after Shiv tried to diffuse things, like this pang of… you couldn’t quite place it. You felt possessive. You’d seen him talk to her earlier, make a comment about how he could be too inappropriate with women. You tried not to think nothing of it, but here you were, feeling this green-eyed monster coming out that you had never felt before. Maybe it was nothing, you wanted to believe that it was nothing.

“If you were going to vote, who would you side with?” He asked, your head turning to look at him. Was he being serious right now?

“I’m not voting.”

“I know, but if you were.” He wanted to know, and you wanted to be honest with him. But you hated this, you didn’t want this to hurt your relationship. You’d forgotten how business-oriented he was while you got to hide away with him and forget about the world, now it was coming back to haunt you. “If you weren’t a sibling, or with me. Who would you vote for?”

“If I was an impartial board member?” The thing was, there is no such thing as an impartial board member. People tended to vote for whoever they liked the best, and not for whoever they thought the best choice was. “Honestly? Waystar is a mess, and it’s not going to make it for another ten years if it doesn’t go digital. If my investments were purely in the stock of the company and nothing emotional, I would- I would vote yes to the acquisition.” You glanced down at your interlocked hands, his thumb running over the back of your hand, you wondered if he even noticed that he was doing it - maybe it was a nervous tick, maybe he just liked touching you. “But you don’t want ATN, I don’t even want to be associated with ATN. I don’t understand why you would choose to pick up an Alt-Right news organization.”

“It makes money.” He commented, leaning his head back. It wasn’t really about that, it was about power, you knew that. “But it doesn’t matter, you’re not voting.”

“I’m not.”

“So none of it matters.” If anyone else were telling you that your opinions don’t matter, you would punch them in the face. But he was reassuring you. Confirming that your relationship would not be ruined by this disagreement, because at the end of the day, you were opting to not contribute to the acquisition proceedings at all. He was calming you down, but that didn’t make you very calm. You felt incredibly on edge, and you didn’t know what to do about it. “Let’s take that hour off.”

“I thought you’d never ask.” You were relieved to stand up with him, though. Relieved to follow him back to your room, your eyebrow raising. “Not your room?”

“No, no. There’s people in there right now, I need you alone.” You probably shouldn’t feel a rush inside of you knowing why he wants you alone. You should probably be upset that he had been so ruthless with your brothers, or completely un-turned on because of what you were going through. But you couldn’t help it. He looked so good, and he made you forget. He made you forget everything, it helped you to escape and you just… you needed it. You needed it so badly.

Lukas had you against the door the moment you were inside of the room, your hands moving underneath his sweater to pull it up and over his head. His lips were fast and rough. He was acting possessive and a bit jealous of something, or someone. You couldn’t shake the thought that he was upset about your friendship with Tom, but there was nothing that you could do about that.

He pushed the jacket off of your body, his fingers quickly pulling the sweater you were wearing off of your head and bringing you back to the bed with him. He was so beautiful, so tall, so good at touching you, so-

“Do you want to sit on my face?”

“What?”

“I want you to sit on my face. Do you want to?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it sounds hot.” He had gotten a lot more frequent when it came to eating you out in the past few months, but asking you to sit on his face as a new one. You felt all warm at the proposition, and he must have felt that as his hands moved off of your hips to undo the pants that you were wearing.

“Alright, okay. Trying something new could be fun.” He pulled your pants and panties off in one go, and had you not been so used to him and comfortable with him by now, you might have felt a lot more exposed than you did. “I’ve never, um, I’ve never done this before.”

“It’s okay, I haven’t either.” You’d surmised a while ago that Lukas was a bit of a pillow princess. He hadn’t really started pleasing you orally until after you told him that you loved him, so it made sense that he’d never gone as far as to let someone sit on his face. Still, the prospect of being the first person that he felt the desire to do that with left you feeling all fuzzy inside, and as you watched him lay down on the bed, you could feel a fluttering sensation filling your stomach.

“What do I do?” You asked, straddling his thighs as he reached over to hold onto your hips. He was urging you closer, and there was nothing for you to do other than oblige him.

“You come here.” He mumbled, helping you to move your thighs so they were around his face, your entire body warm and almost sweaty. You were nervous, incredibly so, but you trusted him, and by god if he didn’t look hot down there.

Lukas tugged your hips down, a squeal leaving your throat at the sudden movement. But that quickly faded into a moan as his tongue ran a stripe over your cunt. Your eyes rolled back a bit as he focused on your clit, gentle and teasingly-slow circles at first. Everything bothering you was completely forgotten as you felt him teasing you, small licks against you doing so much, yet so little. You wanted more, you needed more.

One of your hands moved down to his head, your fingers gripping his hair tightly as he applied a bit more pressure to your clit. His lips wrapped around it, his name escaping your lips in a breathy, almost whiny, moan. You always liked it when he did this, but there was something especially arousing about being on top of him like this. Something special about having a man so big and tall, holding onto your hips while he let you fuck his face (Especially since you were so used to him fucking your face, and not the other way around).

“Is it good?” He asked, inching his face away from your cunt. But you could still feel his warm breath against your wet skin, his blue eyes piercing through your eyes as you looked down at him.

“So good. You’re so good at th-that, oh, fuck-” He didn’t wait for you to finish before his mouth was against you again, pulling your clit in between his lips. The suction was a bit overwhelming, but the feeling of his tongue running laps over your clit had you squirming against him. He seemed to embrace the feeling of you grinding down against his mouth, his hands reaching up from your hips to unclasp your bra.

You used your free hand to remove it, moving your hand back down to grab onto his wrist. He let you hold him, his eyes focused on your chest as your hips ground against his mouth. He seemed entranced by the way you looked above him, and had it not been for him, you would have been a little embarrassed to have someone openly moan at the way that your breasts looked with a slight bounce as you moved against him.

“I-I think I’m gonna, I-” He didn’t really need confirmation that you were going to cum, your eyes were so glazed over that it was pretty easy for him to tell. He grabbed onto your backside, squeezing your flesh as he increased the speed of his movements. It sounded absolutely obscene in that room, but that didn’t stop you from cumming against his tongue. Lukas let you ride out your orgasm until you were fully alert again, your eyes locked on his and a hazy, lovesick, smile all over your face.

“I want to fuck you so fucking badly.”

A whimpered, ‘Please’ left your lips as you got off of his face, letting him flip you over. His lips attached to your throat as he fought to remove his pants as quickly as possible. The moment he had them off he was pushing inside of you, your legs being wrapped around his hips.

Both of your moans filled the room as he set a pace, quick but meaningful. It felt like every movement of his body felt planned, like he knew what he was trying to do and what he was trying to do was drive you absolutely crazy. His teeth sunk into your skin, his lips sucking on the areas he had just let go of. He wasn’t doing this in a place that he thought people wouldn’t see, he wanted people to see. You couldn’t find it within yourself to stop him, because a large part of you wanted them to see too. It wasn’t like you couldn’t just cover it up with makeup and turtlenecks, but you had agreed to his offer. He wanted you to stay after this, and you didn’t need to cover up anything if you were just going to be with him.

“I can’t stand it when you’re not here.” He stated, his lips brushing over your neck while he spoke. He punctuated his words with a bite to your throat, your hand moving to grab onto one of his. “I need you, I need to be inside of you. All the time. I need you here.”

He needed you, what did that mean? Did he just need you sexually? Or did he need you some other way too? You knew he cared about you, but was that the closest you were going to get to him telling you that he loved you too? Grabbing his chin with your free hand, you tilted it up so he was looking at you. He looked so lost in the moment, so absorbed in his pleasure and in your body that it made you want to never leave this bed. “You have me, I promise that you have me.”

“Yeah? What about Tom?”

“Tom’s a fr-friend- he- can we- can- oh my god,” You cut off, his hips speeding up. It was as though he was trying to fuck the memory of any other person out of your head, rather than have a conversation with you about this. You had to fight to keep your eyes from rolling back. “I only want you, only you.”

That seemed to do it for him, his hand squeezing yours as he came inside of you. You could feel him using his other hand to roll circles over your clit, bringing you to your second orgasm of the day. It felt like bliss, like ecstasy, and probably the one moment in the last few days that you hadn’t thought about your father.

Lukas opened his eyes slowly, pressing a kiss against your mouth before pulling out of you. You felt empty without him, with the feeling of his cum starting to seep onto the bed. But you didn’t care, it wasn’t like you were going to be sleeping in this bed anyway. He moved to pull some blankets over him, pulling you against him the second you did the same. Your head nestled between his chin and his neck as you cuddled into him, your fingers tracing over his stomach.

“Are you going to be okay?” He sounded so genuine, a tone so sincere that you were almost certain that it didn’t come from him.

“I… I want to say no.” You responded, his arm tightening around you, his hand running over your skin. “But I think I will be, you know? Here, away from all that mess.”

“That mess is your legacy.” He responded, though he seemed to mean it more teasing than anything, he was right.

“I mean- yeah but- I’ve been fighting my entire life just to be on top, but I was never promised CEO, my brother was. I’m just… I’m miserable, I guess. I’m happy here.” It took a lot to admit that outloud, to tell him outright that he was the only thing that didn’t make you miserable. But he didn’t pull away, he didn’t tense up. He just placed a kiss to the top of your head and continued to hold onto you.

“You don’t have to be involved in that mess, you can stay here.” You wanted to, but you were going to need to talk to your siblings about that.

“We’re gonna make it, right? Through this- this fucking war that my siblings seem to want?”

“Your brothers, more like.” There it was again, that feeling of possessiveness. You hated it, you shouldn’t be pitted against your own sister in your brain. You were just holding hands with her husband two days ago, but this was different. At least, it felt different to you. It wasn’t a friend comforting a friend, it wasn’t solidarity, it felt like something different, and you didn’t like it. “We’ll be okay.”

You wanted to say something about it, you wanted to say that you didn’t want to see him doing anything with Shiv. To say anything, everything that you could to stop them from speaking to each other. But you wanted to be an adult about it, you wanted to prove that you were the bigger person and that you could let something like that go.

Though you felt more calm and serene laying with Lukas for the next half-hour than you had in days, there was still a lingering feeling of dread. You couldn’t stop thinking that the fight between him and your brothers wasn’t it, that there was another shoe just waiting to be dropped. As comfortable, and as content, as you were to lay in bed with him and tell him about the few happy memories you had with your father, you just couldn’t get that sickening feeling that you were about to have a rug pulled out from under you at any moment out of your head.

“I’m going to go network, are you coming?” By this point, the two of you were completely dressed, your hair back into place. There was a darkening mark on your neck, your jacket mainly covered it, but you didn’t make a point to do anything about it yourself.

“I have to talk with my brothers about what we discussed.” You explained, pressing a kiss against his cheek as you walked outside. It was starting to get dark, you knew it wouldn’t be long before the two of you convened again. “Give me an hour, tops, I’ll- where are you going?”

“The main building, where we were earlier.”

“Okay, alright. Big glass building, pretty hard to miss.” He leaned down to press one last kiss to your mouth, before you parted ways.

Though you texted your brothers, you didn’t get an immediate response. You had absolutely no idea where they were, and the sun was setting rapidly. You forgot how earlier it got dark in November, how quickly it went from sunset to night. You needed to find them, especially because things were tense between all of you right now.

The first person you recognized, however, was Tom. “Hey, Tom! Have you seen my brothers?” You questioned, letting him fall into step beside you as you walked around. Your mind was elsewhere, you couldn’t stop looking around, but no where you looked was a place where you could find them.

“Last I saw, they went up the hill.” The hi- Oh, there it was. You could see some people up there, though you weren’t sure if it was Kendall and Roman or not. As you went to move toward the hill, you heard him speak again. “Does he hate me?”

“Who? Lukas?”

“Him. Does he hate me?” He seemed… he seemed scared. Like he knew that if this deal were to go through, and it was likely that it would, if Lukas hated him, he stood to lose everything. You felt bad, but you mainly felt bad because you knew it was the truth.

“I don’t think he hates you, I think he’s… he’s ruthless with business, but he’s not one hundred percent a dick.” He wasn’t a dick to you, he was a dick to other people. But you figure that he has the capacity for niceness. It was getting very dark now, and you still needed to speak to your brothers. “But I think, and I’m only telling you this because we’re friends, I think he probably wants to fire you.”

He nodded, though you could see his face deflate. “Can you stop him?”

“Can I stop him?”

“Yeah, you’re, you know.” Of course, there was a big part of you that felt rubbed the wrong way that he was asking you to stop it because you were in a relationship with Lukas. But what is any different than your brothers wanting to take over the company because they were related to Logan Roy? Nepotism was a big part of this business, so it made sense that he was asking you for an olive branch. But you had already given him one today, you weren’t sure if you had any more branches left to give.

“I mean… I don’t know. If I start defending you, he might start to actually hate you.” You explained, not really noticing where you were watching. “I’ve tried to convince him not to buy ATN, if I can do that, you keep your job… maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe. You have to worry about Kendall and Roman, too.” To the best of your understanding, before his death, your father would have had Tom demoted and taken over ATN. He probably would have taken a big pay-decrease, and you weren’t sure that your brothers would even be gracious enough to keep him on. “Lukas is possessive, and if I start going hard for the Tom train, he’s gonna want to put a hit on your head.”

“Can he do that?”

“I think so.” You shrugged, your eyes finally communicating to your mind what was going on, but you wished that they hadn’t. You turned to look inside of the building, hoping to catch a glimpse of your boyfriend talking with more of his peers. Smiling, laughing. But he wasn’t smiling and laughing with them, he was smiling and laughing with your sister. That feeling came back, but it was worse. It was so much worse than it was before, because you knew that smile, and you knew the look on her face. Maybe you were just seeing red, maybe it was the jealousy trying to make you see things, but in that moment, it felt like you were being actively betrayed. “Not like he has much ground to stand on.”

“Jesus. Let me get you a drink.” You stopped him, grabbing onto his hand. He turned back to look over at you, though you hadn’t really noticed that you started crying a little bit. Suddenly everything was overwhelming. The coat that still smelled like him, the necklace that he had given you hours ago. You wanted to run, and scream into the void. Most importantly, you wanted to cry.

“Don’t worry about your job. This deal? It’s not fucking happening.” Tom moved a bit closer, wiping the tears from your face as best as he could. “I’m sorry for crying on you all the time.”

“It’s… fine. Are you okay?” You were not okay, you were the antithesis of okay. But you couldn’t cry anymore, you couldn’t feel anything but… ambition.

“I need to go see my brothers.”

You pulled away from him, pushing your way through the throngs of people chatting before you finally found them, standing at the top of the hill just like you had imagined. “Finish fucking your boyfriend?”

“You want to kill this deal?” You asked, your voice was- it was strange, it didn’t feel like your own. Kendall was the first to notice that something was off about you, but you couldn’t stop yourself. It was like everything was trying to crumble down around you again, and you were willing to do anything, everything, in order to make it stop. “Let’s kill the fucking deal.”

“What changed?” Roman asked, Kendall glancing down at the ground. He noticed the scene in the house first, the comfortability of it, and moved to stand closer to you.

“When have I ever shared my toys with Shivvy?” Roman finally followed Kendall’s gaze, understanding covering his face.

The responsible decision from two older brothers would be to tell you to continue to stay out of the decision, that you were manic and that you couldn’t tank a multi-million dollar deal because it looked like your boyfriend was flirting with someone else. But your brothers could be incredibly selfish, and you were the only person still appointed to Waystar in the family when your father died. They needed your support to convince the board, and if you were an assured no, they might actually have a shot at this.

Your brothers were not responsible with this, maybe your father was right about none of you being serious people. Kendall gave you his partially finished drink, wrapping a supportive arm around you as you fought with your instincts to not cry about this. You were grown, you were an adult, and you would not cry over a man. Not if you could help it, at least. Not when the voice of your father echoed in your ears, telling you how pathetic and stupid you looked when you cried.

Realistically, you should have known that you were being irresponsible. That there was nothing good to be gained from you siding with your brothers out of spite, but right now, you couldn’t think of anything other than getting revenge. It was petty, childish, spiteful. Everything that you didn’t want to become, but it felt like the only option. Your brother’s embrace felt warm and inviting, and you knew that this had to be your choice. Even if you weren’t thinking straight, you could not allow someone to cross you and see no consequences for it - it just wasn’t how you were raised.

“You gonna side with my guy for the election now?” Roman questioned, almost taken aback by the nearly crazed look in your eyes. Kendall squeezed your shoulder a bit, and you calmed down.

“I’d rather not, Roman.” You, as misaligned as you were feeling right now, could not bring yourself to agree to putting Roman’s fascist friend in office. “I’m voting for Connor, you know that, right?”

“You’re voting for Connor? You know he’s not gonna win.”

“Who cares who I vote for? Our state is going blue, Connor and Mencken are both gonna lose.” He didn’t argue with that, there was no denying that you were right.

You removed yourself from Kendall’s grasp to sit down on the ground. The grass was cold and dewey underneath you, but you couldn’t allow your emotions to take over. Not yet, at least. Instead, you opted to sit criss-cross and play with the grass, Roman coming to sit beside you.

“Do you want to go to bed?” You turned to look over at him, he looked more sensitive now, but that didn’t mean that he was going to make a responsible decision.

“You don’t have to treat me like a child, I just want to sit here and look at the stars. We hardly ever see them.” Despite the overall cloudy day, the stars had come out at night. You could see them above, the sounds of people talking and laughing, campfires cracking, below. “Please don’t say ‘I told you so’.”

Kendall walked away from the both of you, knowing that he really didn’t have anything to add to the conversation. He wanted to worry about business, but Roman was worried about you. “Well, I did tell you so.” You turned to glare at him, but he didn’t look happy about it. “But you don’t deserve this, and I want you to be happy.”

“You were right, Rome. You were fucking right and I was a god damn idiot. Dad would be ashamed of me.” You felt it now, the tears welling up in your eyes. You wanted to cry, but you withheld. “I am not crying over a fucking man, I’ll tell you that much.”

Roman wrapped an arm around you, his head resting on your shoulder. It was like when you were younger, but so different. He would rest his head on your shoulder when he was crying, not when you were crying. But it was like an instinct for him, and it made you feel warm and safe. “Do you remember that camping trip we took with Connor?”

“The fishing trip?”

“No, the camping trip. It was right after dad started fucking around with Marcia.” Right, the camping trip, you did remember it. “Yeah, I got poison ivy. It sucked ass.”

“The poison ivy sucked for you, but you were itching like crazy and it was hilarious.” You tried to push him off of you, but it wasn’t hard enough that he would actually move. “But we laid there for hours, looking at the stars. And you kept giving them names, and marrying them off to each other like they were people.”

“Yeah, and the moon was their god. The sun was their devil, and my itchy ass legs kept interrupting my stories.” You couldn’t have been more than eight or nine at the time, but you remembered it vividly. “Why?”

“We really never do see the stars. Do you remember any of their names?” A hint of a smile covered your face as you laid down beside Roman, pointing out the stars for what must have been at least two hours before he decided that it was time to go to bed. That panic that you were in was gone, that feeling of mania and sadness had faded away. But you also knew that in the morning it was all going to come flooding back, when your responsibilities take over once again. When you have to be reminded of the deal you made with Lukas, the deal that was now null and void.

Roman walked you back to your room, returning to his own room but letting you know that you were welcome to join him at any time if you needed it. You might, ultimately, end up joining him, but your room was much bigger and… you weren’t supposed to be sleeping in here. The moment you walked in, that realization hit you. Your phone was dead, and you had to plug it in, leaving you completely alone with your thoughts for a good three minutes.

You weren’t supposed to be here tonight, you had no plans on returning to this room for more than potentially your phone charger. But here you were, sitting, and wondering what you had done to deserve this. Maybe, had you not been jealous before, you wouldn’t be so quick to assume. Maybe, had it not been for your father dying two days prior, you wouldn’t have been so sensitive as to automatically write him off for this. And maybe, you just needed a face to put your grief on because it wasn’t as though you could be angry with your father for dying. But how could you see it as anything other than what it was? Lukas hadn’t met Shiv when he started seeing you, why wouldn’t he trade you in for something new, something he might see as better? You wouldn’t choose you if you were him, so why would he?

Removing the coat from your body, the moment you laid down you were inundated with the smell of him. It was a smell you had grown to love, but a smell that you could no longer stomach. Though, you were quickly distracted by your phone. Grabbing it, you opened it to find a number of mixed calls and text messages from Lukas. But if you speak of the devil, he’ll typically come.

You let it ring a few times, before ultimately rejecting the call and sending a text. It was petty, spiteful and childish. He asked where you were, if you were joining him in bed, why you weren’t answering him. You merely told him to ask your sister instead, before receiving another call - this time from Tom. Tom, the only other person who was going through a similar thing as you were.

“Is he with you?” Was the first thing you heard on the phone, and it told you everything that you needed to know. Shiv wasn’t with Tom, but you knew Tom had been sleeping around as well. He should have seen this coming, him and Shiv were barely still in a relationship. You, however, were dumbfounded.

“No. I’m assuming Shiv’s not with you?”

“She’s not.”

“Cool.” You responded, glancing down at the blankets on the bed.

“Why were you looking for your brothers earlier? Did you know what was happening?” He knew you didn’t, he had to have known. There was pure shock on your face when you saw Lukas and Shiv, but there was also more than likely understanding. This entire time, you had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Finally, it did. And you were still so, incredibly, devastatingly, caught off guard.

“Because, I-” You took a deep breath, this was going to be the first time you admitted that it wasn’t happening, not just to someone else, but to yourself. “He asked me to stay here tomorrow, and… for the foreseeable future.”

“Oh. You were asking for their opinions?”

“No, I was telling them that I said yes.” He seemed to be a little more optimistic about things than you were, but you were… you were devastated. He fell silent on the other line, and you continued to speak. “That’s obviously not happening tomorrow. I guess… I guess it’s for the best, I have that fucking speech to give.”

“Right, the Living+ thing.”

“It’ll be a good distraction.”

Tom was silent again, so silent that you could finally pay attention to the non-stop buzzing going on in your notification center. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? My dad’s dead, my mom doesn’t love me, and I let a man fool me into thinking that he cared about me until he decided that my sister would make a better wife. I’m great, Tom. I’m fucking peachy. How about you?”

“Not as bad as you.” He responded, and you could hear a hint of a smile in his voice. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry you ever got involved with this family. We suck.”

“No- well, yeah. A little, not that much.” That actually made you smile a bit, but it was short-lived.

“I’m going to go to sleep.”

“Oh, okay. Goodnight.”

“Yeah, goodnight.” It was a shit night, actually. You couldn’t take the constant notifications on your phone, though your curiosity peaked as you read them. He seemed to be categorically denying what you were accusing him of, but that didn’t mean that you believed him. Anyone could lie, and you couldn’t stop your mind from wandering. How were you to know that he wasn’t still sending Ebba bricks of his blood, just because he told you he wasn’t? Why, if that was how he was in relationships, didn’t he send you bricks of his blood? And, probably the most important of them all: Why did he seem incapable of telling you that he loved you?

Ultimately, you decided, it was because he didn’t. He didn’t, and you let him make you believe that he did. You didn’t stop yourself from crying for a while, before you were able to fall asleep because of the stinging and burning in your eyes. When you woke up, it was to the sound of someone knocking on your door.

You weren’t in pajamas or anything, still wearing the clothing you were wearing last night. You just assumed it was one of your brothers, only to open the door and find Lukas. “Hey.” He looked… nervous, and you wanted to slam the door in his face then and there.

“Fuck off.” You mumbled, attempting to shut the door but watching him stop you from doing so with his foot. “I need to get dressed, go away.”

“I want to talk to you.”

“No thanks, bro.” You grabbed a washcloth from your bag and ran water under it in the bathroom, washing the mascara off of your face. He followed you into the room, but didn’t go any further than a few feet in the bedroom.

“Why are you getting dressed?”

“Because I’m going home. Actually, I’m going to Los Angeles.” You might have slept, but you didn’t feel particularly rested. You still felt a burning in your eyes, and you needed to find somewhere to grab a quadruple shot of espresso before you started biting off heads.

“You’re- No, you said you were staying.”

“Yeah, I said a lot of things.” You did your best to remain calm, walking back into the bedroom with a toothbrush placed between your fingers. “You didn’t, you didn’t say a lot of things. Did you? I get it, though. Shiv’s beautiful, smarter than me, older, more mature. You need someone like that, I get it.”

“I- No, I didn’t- I’m not doing anything with Shiv.”

“I’m not blind, you can’t flirt with a married woman in a house with glass walls and expect people not to see.” You started brushing your teeth, not bothering to really finish the conversation. “Please leave.”

“Not until we talk-”

“Later, please.”

“Later?”

“Yes, later.” You were lying, but you were a damn good liar. He nodded and left the room, though the moment he was out you felt like you were about to start bursting at the seams. You couldn’t help yourself from crying as you got dressed and ready to go, stepping outside of your room and knocking on Roman’s door. You were wearing minimal makeup, making sure to skip the mascara, but you had managed to stop the crying. He could still see your glassy eyes, and he knew that you weren’t going to be in the best of moods today.

“Are you- Maybe you should stay back.”

“No. I said I want to kill this deal and I want to be there.”

He knew there was no arguing with you. The thing was, you tended to get the same manic look in your eyes that Kendall got. He recognized it all too well, and he couldn’t stop you from doing whatever it was that you wanted to do. “Fine, but if you try to jump off of the mountain-”

“I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing that I killed myself over our- over this.” Whatever it was, you were currently unable to call it a breakup. Maybe someday you would need to, but that day is not today, and you didn’t even want to think about that.

The ride to the mountains was… honestly terrible. You wanted to go to sleep, you wanted to cry, you wanted to do anything other than ride in this air-tight container thousands of feet in the sky to see someone who you would rather not see. But you were going all the way on this, and you needed to be there. You needed to have all the facts, to know what was coming, in order to support your brothers in their endeavor to kill this deal.

Kendall and Roman aren’t unaware of your mental state. They can see you pacing and the way that you’re running your fingers through your hair like you’re considering pulling it out. They can see you pulling your turtleneck higher and higher on your neck, trying to conceal the hickey that they had already seen. But there was nothing they could do, well… that wasn’t true. There were a lot of things that they could do, but those things would be counterproductive, and they both seemed to want this deal killed above all else.

Kendall opted to just hold onto your hand as he walked outside with you, keeping him by your side despite Lukas’ attempt to walk beside you. You remained silent throughout it all, though the way that Lukas was speaking about your father made you want to punch him. Sure, Logan Roy was a prick, but nobody outside of his own family should be allowed to say that about him so soon after his death.

Throughout everything you remained silent. His fight with Roman, his attempt to get Kendall involved in it. Him asking if you actually agreed with any of this. You didn’t give him the dignity of a response, you just opted to leave with your brothers the moment you got the chance. There was nothing else you could do, because you weren’t going to cry in front of him about this. You weren’t going to cry until you got onto the plane, still hand in hand with Kendall, as you finally allowed yourself to cry in front of them.

“Ken, I’m so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, you just… made a mistake. You couldn’t have known.”

“You all warned me, how could I have not known?”

“Sometimes it doesn’t matter, you just needed to see it for yourself.” He was right, but you didn’t see it that way. You couldn’t imagine that this was anyone’s fault other than your own, that you should never have trusted someone who couldn’t even casually tell you that they loved you. “We’re going to hurt him back, I promise.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re going to hurt him back. This deal is fucking dead.” You responded, leaning on his shoulder, allowing the tears to flow despite the confident words leaving your mouth.

Maybe, just maybe, you had been overreacting, maybe you were projecting your grief onto him because he was an easier target than actually thinking about the death of your father and how it was affecting you. But maybe, for the time being, you couldn’t blame yourself for feeling your emotions, for feeling the utter humiliation of knowing that the one person who made you feel like home, who made you feel comfortable and normal after the death of your father, was the person who was breaking your heart all over again. The humiliation of having everyone who knows you, everyone who knows about your relationship, gossiping about him and your sister over their morning breakfast. And the feeling that for once in your life, you were completely alone. No father to protect you, and no boyfriend to take you away from everything. You needed to figure things out, but mainly, you needed to cry. You needed to cry because you, in some small part of your brain, truly believe that he was justified in not choosing to love someone like you - someone so broken from the trauma of her father, someone who would kill a deal just because you got your feelings hurt. Or maybe you were all wrong, and he did love you, and he didn’t sleep with Shiv. You couldn’t know, you couldn’t know because all you saw was red, and you refused to see anything other than that.

Of course, you also couldn’t know that in Shiv’s attempt to send a picture of her anguished brothers to Lukas upon his request, had inadvertently sent him a picture showing the damage that he had done to you, showing you latching onto your oldest brother and crying over him, feeling everything that you had hoped that you would never have to feel, everything that you had closed yourself off from but electing not to fall in love. But… how could you know that it was a mistake to fall in love with him, until he showed you that himself?

Chapter Text

It’s been a day. A day, and you haven’t spoken to Lukas once. Going one whole day without speaking to someone is normal for most people. You’ve gone longer periods of time without speaking to your siblings in the past, but this feels different. You’ve never ignored Kendall because he did something to upset you, the two of you typically forgive and forget within a few hours. When you don’t speak with one of your siblings, it’s because you’re busy. When you don’t speak with someone you’re friendly with like Greg, it’s because he’s the most dry texter you’ve ever met.

In the history of your life, you have never ghosted someone that you love like you’re doing to Lukas. But, you couldn’t help but hope that ignoring him is going to make you love him less. That, somehow, you’re no longer going to be sad about what happened because you would just outright fall out of love with him. You knew you loved him, you told him you loved him, but he had never once said it back to you. Maybe it should have been a red flag, but you’d chosen to decide in the past that he chose to show you that he loved you instead. Maybe he was just a shit liar, and he was just being nice to you so he could keep fucking you on the regular. Maybe, he was still sending blood to Ebba this entire time despite telling you that he had stopped doing that months ago.

Whatever the reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to speak to him. You couldn’t give him the courtesy of an answer, you couldn’t find it within yourself to hear him out and listen to what he could say about what happened. Maybe he was being honest with you in his texts, and maybe you were wrong for lying to him and saying you would speak to him later when you had every intention of ignoring him. But you couldn’t see it that way, you couldn’t see anything clearly with everything all coming at you at once. Your father was dead, Lukas was fraternizing with Shiv, and you’d heard some things from Greg.

Now, the thing was, normally you wouldn’t believe a game of telephone, especially when it was coming from someone as foolish as Greg was. But he’d heard it from Tom, and Tom had heard from Shiv what she talked about with Lukas. He only told you because he thought it would make you stop crying on the plane, but it only upset you further to hear that he told Shiv that she reminded him of your father, that he liked her as a person. That shouldn’t upset you, the latter-half anyway. If you wanted to be with him, and you wanted him to be in your family, you needed him to like your siblings. But the first half stung, and maybe it shouldn’t have. But your entire life you’d been called weak, pathetic, just a stupid little girl. You wanted so, terribly badly to be half as strong and respected as your father and Kendall were, but you were more akin to Connor when it came to whether or not people respected you.

Lukas never told you anything like that, but you had also heard him calling your father a prick. Would he love you if you were like your father? If things hadn’t been so close to his death, it wouldn’t have turned out this way. But you were sensitive, and you were distraught, and the idea of something that you saw as yours, someone that you loved, the one thing that you knew your siblings didn’t want from you, being interested in one of them made you want to die a little bit.

It really was one of the pitfalls of having Logan Roy as a father. All you ever wanted was to be in power, to have something to yourself and to be the winner. Lukas was different. You didn’t need to compete for his affection, he readily gave it to you and told you that he stopped giving Ebba his blood without you even needing to ask him to - before he ever even told you that he was doing it. You didn’t need to worry about your siblings snatching him away from you, or someone else swooping in to take that prize. He was yours, and now that was being threatened and you were absolutely miserable. The entire flight Shiv had tried to speak to you, but you couldn’t hear it. You were too worried that if she said something it was going to be an apology for sleeping with him. That was how you ended up sitting on the inside seat and squashed between Kendall and the window with his headphones placed firmly on your head while you listened to Red (Taylor’s Version) as loudly as possible (much to everyone’s chagrin) for half of the flight.

But the other half was when the sleep deprivation set in. You were too distressed to sleep, so you had Frank bring you a liter of Lo-Carb monster. You were a bit manic after the first four hours of the connecting flight to New York, so you started discussing the presentation for Living+ with Kendall. The current plan was to have you go on stage in between his set with Roman, and Tom’s presentation. You served as the bridge between the Waystar Royco of the past, and the Waystar Royco of the future. Being that you were the only sibling still working for your father through the end of his life, and the only one that was there when he died, people were interested in what you had to say. Mainly, he was interested in the public knowing that you had given Living+, and the interim Co-CEO’s, your stamp of approval.

After about two hours of discussing the clouds and what you both remembered from the show you went to, you started writing your speech on your flashcards. It wasn’t going to be too long, short and sweet enough that you wouldn’t cry on stage while you thought about your father. Enough set-up that it was going to make it easier for Tom to follow, and loose enough that if Kendall wanted to change his mind about something that would impact your speech, he could.

You felt like you were being rushed around as you packed some stuff into your bag back at the office. Being the family that you were, none of you really cared too much about carbon emissions (though you probably should). It was no big deal to stop back in New York for two hours so you could grab your belongings before heading to Los Angeles for the rest of the day, especially considering that they were three hours behind you and there wasn’t a single one of you that was actually getting any sleep.

“Hey, honey, can you go get Tom and Greg? I can’t find them.” Kendall was in the doorway of your office, peering in as you shoved some things into your bag. He moved to stand beside you, grabbing your laptop that you had completely forgotten and putting it into your bag for you before you had the chance to zip it up. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, just a little tired.” Your voice was hoarse, your eyes were bloodshot, and you felt like you had been crying for the last decade. But you were okay. “Do you like this, by the way?”

He squinted, leaning down as he grabbed the framed picture sitting beside, “Is- did you superglue Connor and I on top of Jeryd Mencken?”

“No, it’s tape.” You responded, poking at the rolled up tape that was covering the glass frame. “I thought it would be a cute family photo.”

“It looks like a ransom note.” He responded, but there was a small smile on his lips as he set it down. ‘It’s nice, I- I wasn’t doing well then. I’m glad you were thinking of me.”

“Of course I was, I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too.” He patted your head, your nose scrunching in distaste at the barely affectionate pat. But it didn’t really need to be anything special, he had been holding your hand for an entire plane ride and you were both a little unhinged right now. Rather than focus on anything real, you were focusing on clouds and speeches and not the acquisition that was coming up. You were sacking the Waystar Studios stuff onto Roman rather than either of you doing anything to really help it yourselves because running the local theater like the Navy felt like a better way to spend your time. You both had this crazy look in your eyes, so it was easier to get along with Kendall than it was to get along with anyone else.

You waved goodbye to him as you made your way to ATN, knowing that it was more than likely that Tom had either fallen asleep or finally decided to murder Greg. Either that, or neither of them had the sense of urgency that they should have when you weren’t going to be given very much time to pack. There were things that needed to get done, and there was no time to be standing around in the office and pretending like any of you had more time than you did.

Greg was waiting by the exit with a briefcase, meaning that it must have just been Tom. “Did he die, dude?” You asked, approaching him as he shrugged.

“He’s in his office, I don’t know what he’s doing.” He was always a little bit less awkward with you, but that was only because you hung out with him more than the rest of your siblings did. “Should we- are we leaving without him?”

“What? No, we’re not leaving without Tom. He’s giving a presentation. Just wait here.” As you walked down the hallways to Tom’s office, you were becoming more and more acutely aware of the vibration of your phone in your hand. The thing about it was, you could have blocked Lukas. You could have put your phone on Do Not Disturb. You could have done a lot of things, but you opted to allow his calls to continue to ring through. But the more you heard them, the more you felt the double-vibration of a text notification, the more you grew irritated. You weren’t in a good place, and the constant reminder of that only made you want to break your phone and scream.

You didn’t bother to knock as you walked into Tom’s office, glancing at the time on your phone. “Oh, oh. Sorry, am I late? Do you need to get that?”

“No, it’s just Lukas.” You declined the call, moving to grab the bag that he had set on the floor. “Do you really need two?”

“Yeah, one for my work stuff and one for my personal stuff. Why? Is nobody else bringing two?” He glanced down at your hand as your phone started ringing again, this time it was a request for a FaceTime. Once again, you declined the call without bothering to do anything about it beyond that.

“I don’t think anyone else is, but it’s not like you’re going to have to carry it once you get out to the car any-” You groaned, declining another call. “Anyway.”

“Maybe you should block his number.” He responded, packing a few more things into his bag.

“Not gonna happen.” You said, though as another call came through you felt like ripping your hair out. You didn’t want to block him. Maybe it was because there was a part of you deep down that knew that he probably wasn’t lying about Shiv, or maybe it was because you liked knowing that he was wasting his time, hoping that just this once you were going to pick up the phone instead of ignoring him. But you were so fucking upset, and you just wanted to scream.

“Wou- Fuck! What are you doing?!” You probably got a little more angry than you should have as you threw the phone onto the ground at full velocity, moving to break it further without paying much mind to anything Tom was doing. He rounded the desk to grab you, an arm around your waist as he tugged you away from the phone. “Stop- Don’t do that, it’s fine, calm down. You need to calm down.”

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down, fuck you-”

“Please, take a breath. You’re going to hurt yourself.” He was trying to be the voice of reason, but you wanted to punch a wall. But he held you back, an arm holding onto one of your arms and the other around your body. You couldn’t move, you were pretty sure if he tried to the man would put you in an illegal chokehold. You wanted to scream, and you wanted to cry, but you didn’t want to continue screaming and crying. It was all you had done since your father died, and you were tired of it, you were tired of feeling like shit.

You turned around to face him, glancing toward the doorway before looking back at Tom. Finally, something snapped in your mind. All you really wanted was to forget about Lukas, to prove to yourself that you would be just fine without him. If Shiv wanted him, maybe you should try and make peace with that by proving to yourself that you were more than capable of finding pleasure in other people.

With one quick motion, you broke your arm free of his grasp to shut the door before grabbing his collar of his shirt and pulling him down. His lips were against yours in a moment, your entire mind seemingly short-circuiting as you tried to get lost in this. You wanted this, you wanted something other than pain. If you could do this, if you could fuck Tom, you could forget about everything that was bothering you. All you really needed to do was prove to yourself that Lukas was not the end-all-be-all of love, that you were more than capable of doing things without him.

He didn’t seem opposed to it, but why would he? He needed someone to solidify his place in the company. Your father was the one that was gunning for him, the one that was keeping him around and helping him strongarm Shiv into letting him stay in the family. And Shiv, if she was to be believed when it came to her wanting people to think she fucked Lukas, might not be with Tom for very much longer. You were barely younger than her, and you had always gotten along with him. If you were both desperate, and lonely, and in need of something, why not just be each other’s means to an end?

But it went beyond that. For him, at least. You had never felt any inclinations toward Tom. He was an attractive guy. Tall, looked good in the picture that you kept on your desk of the family in Virginia. But he wasn’t an option, and that alone turned you off from him completely. But Tom… well Tom wasn’t quite as moral as you tried to be. Roman wasn’t just blowing smoke up your ass months ago when he said Tom would fuck you, he’d confessed to your older brother during his bachelor’s party that he wanted to fuck you. You might be kissing him because you had something to prove, and he might be reciprocating mainly because he wants to consolidate his power, but this wasn’t the first time he had considered fucking you, and it more than likely would not be the last time the thought crossed his mind, either.

Tom’s arm moved so it was around your back rather than resting on the front half of your body, your arm wrapping around his neck as you pulled him against you. He pushed you further back, the backs of your thighs connecting with the edge of his desk. You leaned against it, half sitting as he undid your belt. Your teeth bit into his bottom lip, a groan exiting into your mouth as he quickly undid your pants.

You felt his finger dip inside of you, gathering some wetness and moving it up to your clit. A moan escaped into his mouth, your body arching into his as he started to roll circles over your clit. It felt good, his fingers were big, but they were different. They weren’t what you were used to, his movements felt different than what you were used to - and maybe you should have felt worse about it as he pushed to fingers inside of you and you were pretty sure you felt the metal of his wedding ring against your skin. But you couldn’t feel bad about anything, you could only feel the physical sensations that he was giving you as he pressed his thumb against your clit, working you inside and out as he let you moan into his mouth.

Everything about this should have felt wrong, and if you were of more sound mind, it would have. But you weren’t. You weren’t thinking clearly, and you just wanted to feel this. You liked the way it felt to have his fingers inside of you, to feel him using his free hand to grip your jaw and pull back from the kiss. To feel him take advantage of your slightly opened mouth to quite literally spit into it. You couldn’t claim that you expected something like that from him, but you both had some aggression that you needed to take out.

His eyes were so crystal blue that it was distracting. It distracted you from everything. From the fact that you needed to leave, from the fact that he wasn’t the person that you were in love with, from anything and everything that was burdening your mind. Tom watched as your neck bobbed, a moan leaving his lips as he realized that you swallowed the spit in your mouth. He leaned back down to kiss you again. It was rough, it was bruising, and it had you cumming against his hand in an instant. But even with the kiss, even with the orgasm, something felt… flat.

Maybe it was because he wasn’t inside of you. Your fingers trailed down his body, resting on his belt buckle, but you couldn’t do it. You couldn’t. He was hot, and he had beautiful eyes, and you felt bad because he just finger-fucked you and you should probably pay him back for that, but he wasn’t Lukas. And you felt guilty. In the back of your mind, the more logical part of it at this point in time, you weren’t so sure that Lukas did anything with Shiv. But here you were, with Tom’s fingers still inside of you and his now swollen lips hovering above yours.

“I can’t.” It didn’t come out as more than a whisper, you didn’t even want to admit it to yourself, let alone to him. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He removed his fingers from you, your eyes fixated on him as he put them in his mouth. He looked good doing it, but he used his other hand to remove your hand that was delicately placed on the buckle of his belt. He wasn’t stupid, he knew why you couldn’t.

Tom had no issue sleeping around. He had been sleeping with people for the last few months. Openly. Publicly. No worry or concern about how Shiv felt about that. But you weren’t like him, and you couldn’t sleep with someone who wasn’t Lukas, even if that person was one of your close friends. It made you feel alone, like some kind of failure. You could only get sexual gratification from the Swedish guy that you were currently angry at, and there was no part of understanding what that meant for you that brought you any peace.

“In a year, when I’m not so sad, maybe I can.”

“Maybe. Who the fuck knows where any of us will be in a year?” He wasn’t angry with you, but he did look a little dejected.

“We’re still friends, right?”

“Yeah, what’s a little finger-fucking between friends?” He responded, though you doubted his dejection really had much to do with you. He just wanted something, or someone, to latch onto that was going to keep him in the company. But he was also feeling a bit hurt by Shiv, you were sure he had to have been. Even if their relationship was rocky, he still loved her, even if it had gotten difficult recently. That was what made it easier for you to fathom the idea of fucking him. But even a friend who was going through something similar to you wasn’t enough to replace Lukas in your mind. Nobody could, and nothing could make you fall out of love with him. Still, you put on a smile and allowed that mania to take over your brain again.

“I’ll write you a hand-job voucher.” You responded, sending him a small grin before heading back out to where Greg was.

“Is he coming?”

“Yeah. Can I talk to you?”

“Sure, yeah, what-”

“I need a new phone. Right now.” You realized that you hadn’t grabbed your phone from Tom’s office, but you made no attempt to go back and get it. There was no reason to do that, it was only going to make you curious if you should just bite the bullet and try to fuck him even though you felt like you couldn’t, even though it wasn’t ever going to replace what you really wanted.

“What happened to your old one?”

“I threw it on the ground.”

“Oh, wh-”

“And then I jumped on it. Like five times.” You responded, nodding as Greg grew increasingly concerned. “Can you have one for me by the time we get to Los Angeles?”

“Oh, yeah. Why did you jump on your phone?”

“Because Lukas wouldn’t stop calling me.”

“Oh.” He nodded, finally understanding that you had more than likely just had an emotional breakdown. Of course, like any logical person would, you were sure that he wondered why you didn’t just block Lukas instead of allowing his calls to continue to come through if you not only had no desire to answer them, but were getting so worked up and annoyed over them that you would destroy a phone over it. But he didn’t bother asking this question, he was sure that Tom more than likely already had. “Maybe you should answer him. You know? Tell him off?”

“That would be a reasonable response.” You responded, but you only shook your head as you continued walking. “But I’m not going to do that. Text Kenny and tell him I’m on the way to the jet, and get me my phone. Thanks Greg, love you bud.”

“Ye-Yeah, love you too, bud.” You gave him a thumbs up as you made your way to the car waiting for you outside, allowing your driver to take your bag as you got into the backseat. You couldn’t figure out where Kendall was parked, otherwise you would get in his car. Maybe that was something that you should have thought through before you decided to destroy your phone so soon to the time that you needed to leave, but you really didn’t feel like thinking was the answer. You really didn’t want to think about anything at all.

It hadn’t been more than five minutes of you waiting in silence before someone slid into the car beside you. Greg, holding a new phone. “How did you-”

“Don’t ask.” You took the phone from him, before glancing toward the front of the car. There was no one in there with you, your driver must have gone to put his bag in the trunk. “Do you have anything harder than this?”

He glanced at the liter of Monster in your hand, the third that you’d had since you got on the plane from Norway to the United States. “Like… like cocaine? You don’t do that stuff.”

“I need something, Greg.” He glanced around, making sure nobody could see what was going on, before taking a small baggie out of his breast pocket. You thanked him with a nod and dumped some onto the top of your hand, sniffing it into your system in the hopes that it would keep you going, and that it would help you forget. He was right. You really didn’t do this stuff. Your body wasn’t used to it, and it made you feel like you were absolutely buzzing. But it also distracted you and made you feel lighter, more giddy, less tired out and groggy from the trace amount of sleep that you were going to be running on for the next day or so.

“Can I ask about Matsson?” He questioned, buckling in despite not bothering to ask if he could share your car with you. You didn’t really mind, so you didn’t say anything about it even as the car started moving.

“What about him?” Your teeth were almost gritted, and you wished that he hadn’t asked about Lukas. You had no desire to discuss what had happened with him. The best thing you could do was pretend that nothing happened, pretend that everything was going to be fine. But maybe you were wrong for that. Maybe the unfortunate reality was that nothing was going to be fine, and that you were going to have to face the music and talk about it at some point. Either way, you weren’t going to allow yourself to cry over him some more as you opened up the box to your new phone, plugging it in and allowing it to boot up.

“Do you really think that he slept with Shiv?” His tone wasn’t judgemental, he seemed genuinely curious, but you… you didn’t have a particularly good answer.

“I think he did.” Was the best that you could do. You genuinely did believe it. You weren’t lying to him because you thought it would be a good thing to do, you believed that Lukas slept with Shiv.

But, at the same time, you also didn’t believe it. You weren’t quite sure if you were under the impression that anything happened between them. In the more logical side of your brain, you wanted to believe that it was a big misunderstanding and that he hadn’t done anything with your sister. You knew, somewhere inside of you, that you couldn’t just assume something like that without concrete evidence. But you also felt like you needed someone to be mad at, you hadn’t considered that the rage and anguish you were feeling might have more to do with the fact that your father had just died than it did with the idea of Lukas sleeping with Shiv. That maybe you were just projecting your feelings toward your father onto Lukas because it was easier than being angry with a dead man.

“My entire life I’ve been treated like some stupid little girl. Like I’m nothing, and I’m not as deserving of respect as my siblings are, including my sister. Everything thinks you’re stupid, so you understand that, right?”

“I wouldn’t say everyone-”

“Well I would. Do you understand how it feels to spend your entire fucking life trying to prove to people that you’re just as good as your siblings, only for one of them to swoop into your committed relationship and take it from you? Can you even begin to comprehend how that makes me feel?” He was silent for a moment, but he shook his head. He didn’t know what to say, and neither did you. You didn’t want all of those words to come out. It felt like a confession, and you didn’t feel like you should be confessing to anything right now. It just didn’t feel like a good idea to discuss your feelings. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s fine, I’m used to it.” He didn’t seem hurt when he said that, but why would he? He more than likely was used to it, people treated him like shit so you raising your voice with him wasn’t even something that made him flinch. Still, it wasn’t something you typically did, you tried to get along with everyone as best as you could.

By the time you arrived you were being quickly ushered back onto the jet, sliding in beside Kendall and pretending that you didn’t notice the watchful gaze of Shiv. She seemed desperate to speak to you, but you knew that you were going to get the answer to the question plaguing your mind if you spoke to her. Even if she told you one answer, that didn’t make it the truth. It wasn’t the truth when your father told Marcia that he wasn’t sleeping with Kerry, and it didn’t make it the truth in this situation. You didn’t want to speak to her about it. Chances are, whatever she told you about it would be the truth, because your relationship with Lukas didn’t benefit her in the slightest.

“What happened to your phone case?” Kendall asked, settling in beside you as you plugged your new phone in.

“I, uh… I dropped my phone. Then it got stepped on. And… it might have gotten jumped on a few times.” He understood, you didn’t need to continue or tell him what really happened. But it was almost like the two of you were on the same wavelength regardless.

The moment the jet took off for Los Angeles you were both giggling about the clouds again, he was pulling out a video of them and you were showing him the sketch that you had done of the presentation earlier in the day. He was critiquing a joke that you had written into your speech, and you were hyping him up and telling him that everyone was going to want to live with Waystar once he was finished speaking. You were both completely unhinged at the moment, and that made you complete each other.

This flight was better than the last one, but not because you were feeling much better. You were hyped up on caffeine, cocaine, and pure mania. There was nothing normal about how you were feeling, but maybe there didn’t need to be. Maybe you didn’t need to feel normal, you just needed to feel like you didn’t want to cry. Because the other thing that you should perhaps consider is how you, very clearly, own a gun. If you wanted to die, you could. But you didn’t. You wouldn’t. You wanted to be alive, even if it meant that you needed to go through the pain that you were going through right now. Even if you were completely and utterly miserable, you still wanted to be alive.

By the time you landed, you had absconded into the small bedroom on the plane with Kendall to do even more cocaine before joining everyone else back outside. Tom handed you your phone case back, much to everyone’s shock considering that nobody besides Kendall and Greg even knew that the two of you had been alone together. But you brushed it off as nothing more than you breaking your phone in front of him accidentally. Nobody needed to know about your emotional outburst, and nobody needed to know that he had just had his fingers in your pussy an hour ago.

You didn’t feel like yourself, but maybe that was for the best. Maybe you shouldn’t feel like yourself when you felt so sad. Maybe you needed to think about something else, to feel like something else, if you wanted to survive. If you wanted to make it through the day and to be okay. Maybe, the best thing that you could do for your own mental health was to pretend that it didn’t exist, so that was exactly what you did.

But… that confident demeanor didn’t last for long. The moment you got outside with everyone else, most people getting ready to get off the tarmac, you noticed something. Shiv claimed that she needed to take a call, you assumed from your boyfriend or… ex-boyfriend, you couldn’t be too sure what the nature of your relationship even was anymore. But as you were walking outside you noticed something… familiar. A jet. A jet that you knew. Oh. Cool. Awesome. Maybe it was just a- no, it most definitely was not a coincidence.

You groaned and walked toward Kendall’s car, knowing that you shouldn’t be alone. The moment that you saw someone coming out of the jet you straight up ran, because that was the mature adult response to seeing someone who hurt your feelings. He saw you, you knew he saw you. You knew because you received a text message the moment you sat down beside Kendall. But nobody else saw him, and Kendall was only still there because he was waiting for you. He was enraptured in his phone, and you could have exposed Lukas. You could tell him that he’s there, that he’s doing business with Shiv in the country. But you didn’t.

Maybe you were too prideful and you didn’t want it to sound like Lukas, your Lukas, was there for a booty call with your sister. Or maybe, deep down in your heart, there was still a part of you that just wanted to protect him. That wanted for everything to be alright, that craved for you to just not do anything that would make this relationship unsalvageable. Maybe you were wrong for not telling Kendall that you had seen Lukas. Maybe you were wrong for remaining in the car and not going to clear the air. Considering, however, that you couldn’t even bring yourself to answer his many, many text messages, maybe it was a combination of everything that made it so you just sat back and allowed yourself to be driven to Waystar Studios with Kendall. Maybe it was all of those things that stopped you from texting Tom and telling him that you changed your mind. But maybe you just couldn’t process any more of this. Maybe you just needed a break.

A message popped up on your phone as you sat back, of course it came from Lukas. You probably have fifty unanswered messages from him, but not a single one that you hadn’t read. They ranged from heart emojis to ‘Please answer me’ to ‘I’m going to cry if you don’t answer me’ but this one in particular stood out to you.

‘I’m in Los Angeles, can I come see you?’ You were right about it being him that you’d seen, but you wondered why he would bother to message you if he was just in town to see your sister.

Against your better judgment, you answered him. ‘Presentation today. Can’t talk. Sorry’. You had time to go see him, you knew that. But you didn’t want to, and it was better to come up with a lie than it was to tell him that you didn’t want to speak with him. If you went to see him, you might fold. But you might not, and what could happen could be worse. As much as you wanted to believe you were in the right, there was a big part of you that worried about your mental state. That knew you weren’t in a good place right now, and feared that if you were to see him you would hurt him, and that he wouldn’t deserve that.

‘Please don’t do this.’ Was the response. Another thing that made you furrow your eyebrows.

‘Don’t do what? Give a presentation??’

Bubbles. For a while. Eventually, he answered again. ‘You know what. I need to see you in person’.

There were a lot of things that you could have said. You could have made a snide remark about how he could just ‘fuck your sister again if he was that horny’ or earnestly told him ‘that won’t be happening’. But you didn’t want to hurt him, you couldn’t bring yourself to hurt him no matter how badly you were hurt. Maybe that was why your father never respected you like he did Kendall. Maybe it was because you couldn’t be a killer. Because he had always told you what to do when it came to men like him, and you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

You closed the messaging app on your phone and set it down in your lap, watching the unfamiliar terrain as you encroached upon Waystar Studios. Everything felt like a mess. You were in California today, giving a presentation today, just a few days before the election and- shit, this entire disaster with your father has caused you to forget that you were the liaison between ATN and the Mencken team. You should probably catch up on that, give good old Jeryd a call and see what was going on so close to the election. No doubt you’d missed some texts from him and someone from his team, but, in your defense, your father dying did happen to take up much of your time.

With a sigh, you opened your messages, sending a text to the would-be President, a simple one, asking how the campaign was looking. See, you don’t work for ATN, but Mencken finds Tom boring. He likes you even though it’s Roman that’s in his court, so your father assigned you to work with him so he would stop pitching a fit every time he got a new intern. You didn’t mind it, deep down, you really just wanted approval from people so him liking you more than Tom made you feel good, even if you were still voting for Connor and didn’t feel particularly comfortable putting the man in The White House.

‘Fine. How’s your dad?’

‘Fuck you.’

‘Bold words, you should respect your next President. I obviously meant his funeral.’ He did not mean his funeral, he just liked being a douchebag sometimes.

‘I don’t know, dipshit, it hasn’t happened yet. And I’m voting for Connor, if you’ve forgotten’. You could see him now, sitting on the other line with that evil smile he liked to make - like he was contemplating setting you on fire or something. The man only responded with a smiley face emoji, much to your annoyance. You could only assume that things were going fine with his team, but you’d get more solid answers out of one of the interns than you were getting out of him regardless.

Once you had your phone off you realized that the car had stopped, Kendall sliding out and you going out with him even though you could have just as easily gone out of the door on your side of the car. You followed him inside, knowing that you were more than likely going to be spending your entire day with him rather than with anyone else. Being with Kendall felt preferable to everyone else’s company, plus you were the two sole organizers of this. You were going to have your damn clouds whether the people are ready for them or not.

The entire day was spent pretty much how the plane ride had been, but you were doing your best not to think about Lukas. You spent some time rehearsing your speech in an empty room, but mainly spent the day with your brother. It wasn’t often that you got to spend a whole lot of time with your siblings anymore, so it felt nice. But there was also something off about it, probably to do with the fact that you were both kind of insane at the moment. You weren’t doing well, and Kendall was enabling you. Partially because he knew that you were going to vote for him, but also because it felt like yourself, Roman and Kendall were a part of this inner-circle of people making absolutely terrible decisions and hyping each other up for them.

Roman firing that woman from Waystar Studios? Good for him, she probably deserved to be fired. Roman firing Gerri? Sounds good, we needed some fresh blood in the company anyway and it was one of Logan’s dying wishes for her to be fired to begin with. Kendall was running the show like a military boot-camp and you were going along with him, because nothing he was doing was wrong in your eyes. They just needed to work faster if they didn’t have enough time, there was no reason for things to not go how you wanted them to go.

It would have struck you as odd that it was Kendall you were giggling on the sidelines with when it was usually Roman, but you didn’t see anything going on as odd. You didn’t have the mind right now to think about that, or to think about how a piece of information that your father had given you about Kendall a long while ago had driven a rift between the two of you. None of that mattered, because you didn’t need to think about your father, or your boyfriend, or whatever you had just done to lead Tom on. It felt like your actions didn’t have consequences, and that you could give these people shit for not having the set-pieces ready even though you were typically a lot nicer than you were being.

But the closer you got to the speech, the less willing you were to deliver it. Even with more caffeine and more cocaine and the inability to think clearly about anything, you really did not want to get up on that stage and give a speech. It felt like a bad idea, like it was just going to make Lukas angrier with you and your siblings than he more than likely already was. You didn’t want to talk about your dad and his plans, you didn’t want to go up there at all.

It was about an hour before showtime when you found Kendall in his dressing room, a smile plastered on his face as you pulled up a chair and sat in front of him. But that smile seemed to wither away as he saw the look on your face - that mania was still somewhere in your eyes, but you weren’t smiling anymore. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can do this whole speech thing.”

“It’s just stage-fright, don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, Ken, I think it’s a bad idea.” You responded, trying your best to be gentle with it. You liked talking to him like this, you didn’t want to stop being close with your brother just because you couldn’t give a speech. “I think, you know, people saw me after- after what Shiv said, they saw me. They’re all posting shitty pictures of me looking like I got hit by a car online. That’s all people are gonna see.”

“So give them something new to see.” He didn’t really seem to like the idea of going up there without you giving a speech as well, but he also did seem to be seeing your perspective on it from his tone of voice.

“But it’s not just that. I don’t know if I can go up there and talk about dad without crying, I want to cry right now. I want to cry every time I think about him and I can’t do that with people looking at me, nobody will take us seriously.” The name that Lukas had attributed to the company rung in your ears, he’d called Waystar a tribute band, and you didn’t want to go up there and cry to the general public about why they should believe in Living+. “And I think it’ll make Lukas upset, and even though we want to kill the deal, maybe we shouldn’t be so public about it. Especially because I’m sure some of those people know what was going on between us.”

He was silent for a moment, but reached out to take your hands into his. “You’re right, you shouldn’t give a speech. It’ll be bad for our profits.”

That was… impersonal. You didn’t want to lose what you had going with him. You weren’t sure if it was the worry of losing another person, or the caffeine and drugs in your system, or the lack of sleep, but all of a sudden everything just wanted to tumble out of your mouth. “I just wanna thank you for, you know, talking to me today.”

“Why wouldn’t I talk to you?”

“Because we haven’t been talking lately and I guess I just- I needed a friend, I need a friend. I’m sad, I’m so fucking sad.” You knew why you hadn’t been talking lately. You hadn’t really been talking to him too much since the press conference he made addressing Cruises. You tried reaching out to him, but there was something holding you back, something that Logan told you. But it wasn’t what happened, it was the fact that you felt guilty for knowing. “I need to tell you something, I can’t… I can’t not. I feel wrong about it.”

“Did you fuck Tom?”

“What? No, not- not really. Thought about it, but I did not.” You responded, glancing down at your interlocked hands. “I, um, do you remember Shiv’s wedding?”

His hands tightened on yours, he knew exactly what you were talking about. “Why?” His voice was strained, but he didn’t push you away.

“Dad, he told me something that happened. It sounds like an accident, and I don’t really care because I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. But I felt bad- it was wrong of him to tell me, it should have been you that told me, not him. I’m so sorry, I- I just thought that if I- I felt like I shouldn’t have known, it wasn’t my business. And it doesn’t make me love you any less. I just don’t know- there it is. That’s- yeah.”

Kendall was silent, silent enough that you finally realized that you were crying. He pulled you over for a hug after a beat, your face pressed into the shoulder of his new jacket. You’d skipped on the makeup since you had been crying so much, so you didn’t have to worry about getting anything on his jacket. You finally let yourself cry. Everything that you’d been holding in all day long was spilling out, the one thing that you’d been holding in for quite some time was finally out in the open and it felt like it just made you closer. You knew, you didn’t stop caring about him because of it, and he wasn’t angry with you for receiving information that you probably shouldn’t have received.

“He was wrong to tell you, but it’s okay. It’s not your fault.” His words didn’t come until your crying became a little more silent. There was more that he could have said, more than he probably should have said if he genuinely wanted to calm you down. But he didn’t. It would have done you well to have someone outside of the situation telling you that maybe you were overreacting about Lukas, that maybe he didn’t do anything and you were just a little paranoid because your father had just died. But as much as he did love you, like he loved all of his siblings, that wasn’t going to help him. You making up with Lukas would hinder his goals, and he could help you reconcile once he got what he wanted.

Eventually, you pulled back, wiping the tears off of your face as you nodded. “Good luck with your speech, I’m sorry that I couldn’t give mine.”

It wasn’t a very long hour spent sitting in a room where your siblings slowly gathered along with a majority of the old guard, waiting for Kendall’s speech with baited breath. This speech could sink the company if it wasn’t done right, and as you sat down beside Roman, you realized that he was going up there completely alone. Maybe you should- no, you couldn’t. You were too unstable, you would only make things worse.

The speech was off to a rather rocky start, but when Kendall got his footing he really knew what he was doing. He was always good at speaking, it was something that made him such a good contender for CEO in the first place. But where most people were compelled by it, there was one person that wasn’t. Lukas made a Tweet, a rather insensitive Tweet. A Tweet that you were notified about because you still happened to have his post notifications on.

To be clear, you should have absolutely not responded to it, but while everyone else was grilling him and speaking about Kendall, you were typing on your phone. Roman’s phone lit up with a post notification from you commenting ‘A little insensitive? :(‘ on Lukas’ Tweet. He turned to you, incredulously, while Karolina sent a glance your way.

“Are you serious?” He asked, watching you glance up at him but continuing to type on your phone. “You can’t reply to him.”

“I can do what I want.” You mumbled, attaching a link to an organization people can donate to to combat antisemitism, making a small jab in said Tweet toward people who think the Holocaust is a joke.

“What did she do?” Shiv asked, taking a look at Roman’s phone and peering over at you. “Really?”

“He’s being a douche. Can I call him a little bitch boy, Karolina?”

“No, you cannot call him a little bitch boy.” She responded, seeming exasperated with your behavior.

Lukas, much to your surprise, liked both tweets and responded with a broken heart emoji to the comment you made under his tweet.

“Do not respond to that.” Roman warned you, but you were already doing it. You, in turn, sent him a frowny face emoji and liked his response. “Oh my fucking god. You’re insane.”

“We’re just talking, Rome.”

“Have you forgotten that your relationship with him is private?”

“Roman’s right, you should probably stop.” Karolina warned you from her own seat, but you were absolutely not in the mood to stop. Lukas sent you a text message, a simple question asking why you were doing this, but he also responded to your reply to him with a ghost emoji and a question mark. Roman took your phone before you could further embarrass yourself on Twitter, but you weren’t having it.

“Give me my phone back, I just got that thing today!”

“Not until you learn to behave.” You tried to climb onto him, attempting to get your phone back from his grasp. He made it incredibly difficult, and you were both distracted by Kendall coming into the room.

Getting off of him so you didn’t further embarrass yourself, you moved to congratulate your older brother. The moment you were standing Kendall had you in a hug, but it’s not like the other one. This isn’t him being sincere, or wanting to comfort you. This is a victorious hug, a celebration. There was no warmth or depth to it, he was just excited that he gave a good speech. Sometimes, Kendall could get so lost in the idea of power that he forgot how to love. It felt like this was one of those moments, and Roman seemed so torn up about it that he quietly handed you your phone and left.

Lukas had deleted the Tweet he made originally, so you made no effort to reply to him as you pulled away from Kendall. But you also didn’t bother sitting back down, you felt completely alone now. Kendall had no interest in comforting you at this point, you didn’t want to have the conversation that you could see Shiv approaching you for, and you had gotten to an emoji argument with Lukas on social media (where you were currently being torn to shreds for being against facism while being in a public photograph with your family for your father’s endorsement of Jeryd Mencken). You elected to leave after about ten minutes, though you felt like you were in despair.

“Back to your hotel?” Your driver asked from the front seat, but you shook your head.

“Take me to the jet, I’m going home.” You weren’t sure if anyone else was going home right now, but you knew that you were. You didn’t want to stick around.

You weren’t blind. You could see Shiv answering calls all day, and you knew that they were more than likely from Lukas. She wouldn’t approach you out of the kindness of her heart if you believed that she had slept with your boyfriend, she was approaching you because she was working with him and she wanted you on her side, because she didn’t want her brothers to have the power of three. But you couldn’t find it in yourself to have that conversation with her, nor could you find it in yourself to answer Lukas’ phone calls and have a conversation with him. At some point, you were going to have to stop avoiding him, but that point was not right now.

Finally, you decided to open the messages that Shiv had sent you. Sure enough, there was a proposal to work with them and take over the company. She was, afterall, truly ever only after one thing. But that was never what you wanted from Lukas. You never wanted the power that being with him would give you, or the job security of dating him when things were transferred from your father to him. You already had power and influence, you had more money than you knew what to do with, and your title as Logan Roy’s daughter gave you more job security than anything in the world so long as you played your cards right. You didn’t want that from him, you didn’t care about it. You just wanted him, you loved him, and it felt like she was misinterpreting what any of that actually meant.

The texts told you that she didn’t sleep with him, that she had allowed people to think that she did for a few reasons but that once the acquisition was over she could tell people it didn’t happen so long as you worked with her on this. But that really was what this entire family was about, wasn’t it? Leeching off of each other until you got something you needed, nothing to do with actually helping each other as siblings. You shouldn’t be surprised by her texts, but you also couldn’t read them. You couldn’t take them seriously, you couldn’t decipher if she was genuine about not sleeping with him or if she was only saying that because she wanted you on her side.

Somewhere, deep within the recesses of your mind, you knew that they didn’t sleep together. That Lukas cared about you more than he would verbally say, and that Shiv respected herself far too much to sell her body for power (unlike Tom, who did just that constantly) regardless of whether or not it was your boyfriend that held the power that she was looking for. But that part of your brain was being silenced by the rage that you were feeling, by the need to have someone to blame for the anguish that was in your heart. You couldn’t blame your father for dying, be angry at him for doing something that he had clearly been working to avoid. And you didn’t really want to. You didn’t want to be upset over the death of your father, you didn’t even want to think about the fact that your father was dead to begin with. It was far easier to channel all of that pain and anger into one vessel, and maybe once the smoke clears you’ll see things in a more genuine light. Maybe you’ll be able to forgive him and move on, or maybe you won’t. Maybe, you’ll do something so terrible in retaliation that he won’t be able to forgive you, or you’ll duke it out until you destroy each other over a simple misunderstanding.

As you stared out of the window of the car, your fingers toyed the small charm on the necklace that you were wearing, the one that Lukas had given you. You had ample time to take it off, to pretend that nothing happened between the two of you and more on. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t take it off, something in your brain wouldn’t let you.

Perhaps a large part of why you couldn’t hear him out was your father, your trauma related to what had happened between your father and all of the women that he had seen. How he lied to them, manipulated them into thinking that he wasn’t cheating only to sleep with someone else right after. He was constantly being seen with someone new, and there was a part of you that feared that you were going to be just like those women when you got older. That all people were like your father when it came to relationships, that you were going to be thrown out for something newer and more exciting once enough time has passed. It didn’t help that you knew Lukas. You knew that he got bored a lot, and you knew that if you were going to be with him, you were going to need to hear him tell you that he loved you. But even reading through his text messages, it seemed like he couldn’t even type it.

‘You can respond to my Tweets but not my texts?’ He typed, you having already been on your messages with him saw it automatically. You debated not answering, but he knew that you read it. You didn’t want to leave him on read, especially when he would more than likely figure out that you were lurking.

You started and stopped typing more times than you could count. There were a million different things that you wanted to say to him. You wanted to confess that your sister had been in contact with you about being in cahoots with him. You wanted to forget that everything happened and just call him, make up with him and go to Sweden where you could actually stand a chance at being happy. You wanted to tell him that you loved him, that you didn’t want to fight with him, you wanted to do a million and one things with this response but there were so many thoughts, and words, nagging in the back of your brain.

Insecurities that told you that you would never be enough to hold his interest. People that you were close with, telling you that they didn’t think he had the capability to love you, or anyone else. The idea in your brain that Shiv was only reassuring you because she wanted you to work with her, and the overall insecurity that you had instilled into your mind, and heart, as a child that nobody truly loved each other. Your father taught you that love didn’t exist, and your siblings' constant need to backstab each other solidified it. You never had a moment where you didn’t feel insecure in your relationship with your father, in your constant need for approval, in his inability to see you and your sister as real contenders just because of your gender. You couldn’t make up with Lukas, because you were so fucking tired. You were exhausted. Physically, you were exhausted. But you felt so emotionally labored, so emotionally used. You were drained, and the only thing you could send him was a short and simple message.

‘I’m sorry.’ You sent, trying your best not to cry as you felt your lips quivering. You weren’t sure what you were sorry about. Whether you were sorry for this mess, sorry that you couldn’t think clearly, sorry that you had gotten finger-fucked by Tom and had yet to tell anyone about it besides the light implication that you’d made to Kendall.

‘I’m sorry, too’. Was his response. Short and simple, and you weren’t sure what he was sorry for either. You fell asleep the moment you were on the plane, but you didn’t get any real rest, you couldn’t. You had felt like the world had been crumbling since the day your father died, but now you were certain that it had ended that day, and you were just in some weird hellish purgatory for eternity now.

Chapter Text

Whoever said that crying yourself to sleep worked is a damn liar. You had cried all night long, and slept for hours, but you weren’t rested. You weren’t anywhere near rested by the time you woke up the next morning.

Throughout the night, you didn’t speak to anyone. Kendall was on some sort of high from what had gone down last night and you honestly couldn’t blame him. The entire world was praising him, claiming that they would follow him into anything because he had given such a good speech. Kendall was always good at speaking, but he was never good at not letting accomplishments get to his head. Lukas had tried to reach out to you, hoping that your brief responses to him could mean that there was something more to be discussed; That you were willing to speak to him. But you couldn’t. You felt too emotionally exhausted, and you almost felt like there was nothing to be discussed.

Then there was Tom. You hadn’t spoken to him since he gave your phone case back to you, and the moment you were alone with your thoughts and a bit more rested you began to feel incredibly guilty about what had happened. You shouldn’t have done that, but he should have stopped you. His relationship issues had been going on for a long time, he was used to them. He was the one stopping her from getting a divorce at every turn, and the one who couldn’t find it in his heart to be a bit kinder to your sister. He was the one who threw her under the bus in Italy, and he should have been the one to catch that you were in a bad place and stop you. Sure, you weren’t blameless in the whole thing, but he knew better.

That guilt, though, wasn’t primarily directed at Lukas. Some moments you were certain that the relationship was over. That what you had done wasn’t anything toward him, that you were probably never going to kiss him or speak to him in even a friendly way again, let alone a romantic one. Some moments, you weren’t so sure. You were sure you were still in a relationship because you hadn’t closed things off with him. That you would be able to be with him again in due time. That feeling came and went, and it went so frequently that the only true and strong guilt you felt was toward Shiv. Sort of. She wanted to leave Tom, she told you she didn’t care about or like Tom, and had he not trapped her with the help of your father, she would more than likely have left him by now. But she was your sister, and even if she didn’t love him anymore, and didn’t want to be with him anymore from what she had said, you were wrong to do something with him.

But hadn’t she done something with Lukas? You weren’t sure. From what she had said, and you were inclined to believe her, she hadn’t slept with him and had only wanted to do business with him because she was iced from the company during the wake. You could understand that, but you were incredibly overwhelmed. You would need to tell Shiv. She had been honest with you, you presumed, about Lukas, so you were going to need to be honest with her. Considering that Kendall believed it had happened, she more than likely assumed something had happened, so you needed to set the record straight because you hadn’t gone as far as to fuck him and if that was what people were saying you needed to shut that thought down in her mind.

The thing was, though, there didn’t seem to be a good time to do any of that. She came home at a different time than you did. And you were incredibly busy by the time that you woke up in the morning. It wasn’t just the acquisition that you needed to worry about, nor was it your interpersonal relationships. You were the person in the company that was dealing with the election. It was in just one day now, and you needed to be in constant communication with Mencken and his team even if you were voting for Connor. This is your job, and it’s incredibly stressful.

Throughout the entire night you were waking up to texts from either Mencken himself or people working with him with numbers, demographics, ten page PDFs explaining just how everything could potentially go at the polls. You weren’t exactly skilled in this field like your sister was. You went to business school, this was not your area of expertise. Plus, you were waking up, squinting at your phone, and making out different predictions that you needed to send your thoughts back on. It was stressful, and you were exhausted, and you probably didn’t go a full hour without needing to wake up to read some document and send a response back.

So, by the time that you actually woke up you were incredibly stressed, still tired, and totally unwilling to do cocaine again. You had been loopy and upset the day before, and you still didn’t feel back to normal. You weren’t as insane today, but you did feel completely and utterly drained. You needed to do a million things before you even got to the party that you were going to have to do a million more things at. you needed to speak to your sister, and you needed to speak to Roman because you knew that he was going to want to see some of the documents that you’d received over night. You were going to have to communicate with Kendall, with Frank, with Tom or Cyd. Eventually, you were probably going to have to speak with that loser Ravenhead. It was a mess, but you agreed to be the liaison for the election and you knew what you were getting into because your father had warned you that election week would drain the life out of your soul.

You weren’t quite depressed, you didn’t feel like crying, but you felt like you were being weighed down. Like there was an anchor on your arm and it was just making sure that you had absolutely no ability to free yourself from its shackles. Which was where your childhood trauma became useful. Your parents believed that it was a weak, ugly look for children to cry - maybe it was because it made them feel bad, maybe it was because they would rather have adopted five robots. Whatever the reason, your mother had been the one who taught you to mask that, to pretend that none of it was affecting you and put a big smile on your face because that’s how people wanted to see you.

That was just going to have to be your solution for today.

As you got dressed that morning, getting into a pretty simple white button down with some slacks, you grab your phone and open up the messages. The first one is one from Kendall, an address that you’re going to meet your siblings at for breakfast. The one below it is your message chain with one of Mencken’s advisors requesting a meeting for that day. Checking your calendar, you type back: ‘I can meet you at noon. Will he be there? I have some new developments for tomorrow.’

Bubbles appeared on the bottom of the screen, she had clearly been waiting for a while to get your response if she was typing already. ‘He won’t be. What developments?’

Of course he wouldn’t be there, why would you expect him to be there when it was the last night before the election? There was canvassing that still needed to be done, and it was the last day to do it. Still, this information was rather important. ‘It’s about the protests, I’ll send an E-Mail. And I’ll see you at noon’.

Your driver should already be waiting for you down below, you just needed to give him the address that you were going to. Sure enough, by the time you got outside there was someone holding a door open for you, allowing you to step inside as you read out the address. You would be meeting with all of your siblings to discuss business, and Connor wanted to discuss the funeral. It did make you sad that it took so much to get all of them gathered into one place, but it was nice that it happened once in a while. Even with it being so rare, having all of them with you in one room was special, despite the infighting that had been going on since your father died.

Being driven around the city felt different than it had before. It felt different than it did when you would sit beside your father as a child, staring out into the streets and wondering what it was like to look at everyone from the perspective of your father. He was so powerful, as a kid, he always seemed like the most powerful person in the world. You knew about his influence and his strength and you wanted so badly to have it, to inherit it. Now he was gone and you felt like you had never been weaker in your life. Like you needed him around to have some value, and you… you just couldn’t think about it anymore. You didn’t want to keep thinking about your father, because every time you did you just saw him dying in front of you again.

But you couldn’t not think about him. He was your father, and you were reminded by your own brain that you were seeing Connor for the first time since the night before the wedding. He hadn’t been there when you came off of the plane. He didn’t have an in-person conversation with you about your father, nor about what had happened with your relationship with Lukas. He knew you were voting for him, but he was going to have to hear about all of the annoyingly hard work that you had to put in for Mencken even though you weren’t voting for him to begin with. It was awful to think about, but it was just the way that things were when you worked for Waystar. You didn’t get to support and help the person you were voting for (Your brother, the biggest nepotism vote of all time), you had to support the person that your company supported. Though, you had to admit that he was rather amusing.

He made fun of you for not voting for him but doing half of the heavy lifting for the campaign anyway and sent mean texts about your dead father and said ‘Oh no. Am I keeping you awake?’ over text with a laughing emoji, but everyone was too afraid to speak to you like that and it was refreshing. But it also made you feel powerful knowing that not only could you bully the potential future president whenever you wanted, but you were also the singular person that Waystar trusted with it. You, the youngest of all the siblings, were the one that was handling the presidential election. That was pretty big for you, and you were surprised that your father had given it the greenlight to begin with.

By the time you had arrived at the restaurant, you were sufficiently unprepared to discuss your life updates with Connor. Despite that, though, you were excited to see him. You missed seeing him, and you wanted to know how Willa was doing. It had been a while since you had last seen her since you opted to hang out with Connor the night before the wedding instead of her, so any update would do.

As you stepped outside, you walked into the restaurant and took a deep breath. Seeing your family was usually something that made you happy. Today, though, you knew that seeing them was only going to serve as a reminder of everything that was bothering you. As much as you complained and groaned about all of the work that you needed to do with the election, it served as a pretty solid distraction for everything going on in your life. You didn’t have to think about Lukas and Shiv and Tom when all you needed to worry about was American politics.

If you thought too hard about it, finding solace in politics is probably a giant red flag but it was more the work and the amount of time and energy that you needed to devote to it that you found comfort in.

The moment you walked up to the table you noticed that Connor was the first one there, but of course he was. He was the one that saw the rest of you the least, he would be the most excited to see you. You were quick to embrace him in a hug, a hug that comforted you far more than you thought it would. His hug was different from Kendall’s. It wasn’t different in a bad way, it was just different. It was warmer, more genuine. And it wasn’t that Kendall didn’t love you, of course he did, he was just distracted. Connor wasn’t. Despite his looming election day, he seemed entirely interested in being there to comfort you and greet you.

“How have you been?” He asked, watching you sit down across from him. “With… you know. The plane. I thought you would be in Sweden today.”

Right. Everything at once. Awesome. “Well, uh, I wouldn’t be in Sweden today because Lukas and I aren’t really talking anymore. And I don’t know, I’m trying not to think about the plane.”

“Why aren’t you talking?”

“I guess- just… some stuff went down when we were in Norway. He was… communicating with Shiv and I don’t really know what’s going on there.”

“Don’t you have a gun? Just shoot him. It’s your right.”

“I’m not shooting him, dummy.” You responded, a small smile crossing your lips. “And I couldn’t have gone with him anyway. The election is tomorrow.”

“Still voting for me? Or did Mencken convince you?”

“No, he did not. I’m voting for you, pinkie promise.” He let you interlock your pinkie with him, shaking on it from across the table before turning to see Shiv coming through the door. You let them greet each other, taking a sip of your drink as two more of your siblings joined in. How you had managed to get there before the rest of them was beyond you, but you were glad you did. You actually had time to clear the air with Connor before things started going down, you were relieved that he knew the truth even if it was difficult to get out.

As everyone started talking, Connor mainly seemed to just want to discuss the funeral preparations. The idea of talking about your dead father so early in the morning was incredibly unappealing to you, but any discussions of business were incredibly unappealing to him. You didn’t know what to do, so you tried your best to stay silent. It wasn’t until Kendall turned to look at you that you figured you should say something.

“Yeah, I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to speak at the funeral.” You stated, looking between the four of them. “Everyone saw me the day he died, I can’t handle it.” It was better to be honest than to lie. You would sob and cry if you had to eulogize your father, it was better for you to be crying in the pews of a church without everyone looking at you than it would be to cry in front of so many people. Especially since your mother was going to be one of those people, and you knew how she felt about seeing her children cry.

“Speaking of, are you still voting during the board meeting?” Connor asked, though it almost seemed like he had an answer that he wanted you to say. Maybe he did. Maybe he did have a stake in this that you just didn’t know about, but you couldn’t be sure.

“Yes, of course I am.”

Nobody else at the table was surprised, they all knew that you fully intended on voting. “I just think that it might not be… maybe you shouldn’t.”

You didn’t want to sit there and argue with him about it, but you weren’t changing your mind on this. You were going to vote whether or not it was a good idea. It had nothing to do with that. Nothing to do with whether or not it was a good idea, but it didn’t need to be. You didn’t need to do something good. “It probably isn’t, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

“Who are you voting for?”

“I’m voting for us, it’s our company and he obviously doesn’t want any of us as CEO. I’m not just going to willingly give everything away.” You wanted to reason it out, make it sound like you were taking an actual, logical stance. In reality, you were taking a childish stance. You didn’t want Lukas to have your company because you didn’t want him to win. He hurt you, and you wanted to hurt him back. But it was more than that. Your father died for this deal, and had it gone through sooner he might still be alive - at least, if he hadn’t died and it went through, none of this turmoil would have ever happened. You were taking a lot of aggression out on this board meeting, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t have the right to vote in it.

Connor seemed like there was more that he wanted to say, something just begging to come out of his mouth. But he kept it to himself. Whatever it was, he didn’t feel like he needed to say something about it. Maybe it was him further trying to convince you not to vote, but more than likely, he knew that nothing he said was going to change your mind. Regardless of what anyone said to you, you were dead set on voting in that board meeting and there was nothing that could stop you unless you had some massive epiphany that changed your mind on it.

Just like the lunch began, it ended. Connor was the first domino to fall, claiming that he needed to take care of some election related things. Really, you should be running off to do the same. You had a million things that you needed to be doing back at the office, and you were sitting here talking to your siblings instead of doing them. Kendall and Roman left next, leaving just you and Shiv. You’d been at odds with her for days, and there was a large part of you that just wanted to clear the air. Maybe it was a bad idea, but lying to her was an even worse idea.

“Did you fuck Tom?” Well, at least she brought it up.

You didn’t know how to phrase it, but you wanted to be honest. “No, I tried to. I wanted to- I wanted to distract myself, you know? And he was just kind of there but I couldn’t go through with it.”

“Why not?” She seemed almost shocked that you hadn’t done it, which only made you wonder what he possibly could have been saying behind your back.

“Because I don’t think you’re lying.” You responded, glancing down at the table. It was the first time that you said it out loud, the first time that you even fully admitted it to yourself, let alone someone else. “You wouldn’t do that to me, but he might.”

“No offense, but if I’m not lying then how did he do something?”

“Because he’s still like… offering you things. And he offers me things. High positions and moving in with him and all this stuff and now you’re working together? He was just sending Ebba his blood months ago, how do I know he actually cares?” You responded, taking a sip of the water that had been placed on the table. “And why the fuck has Tom not fessed up to not sticking it in me? What is that little snake saying?”

“He was… implying, but that was probably because I implied that I did the same thing with Lukas.” Ah. That made more sense. “Listen, I don’t know him very well, he kind of seems like an asshole but he’s at least nice to you.”

Shiv would never get awfully emotional with you or anyone else, it wasn’t in her nature to let her emotions show. That was where the two of you vastly differed. Where you would often wear your heart on your sleeve, much to your father’s chagrin, she wouldn’t. This was something, but it wasn’t much. It was better than what you were getting from your brothers, though. It was honest, and you weren’t too sure that you were getting honesty from them. But you were sure that neither side was unbiased. She wanted you to see past this haze clouding your judgment because she wanted you on her side, but you didn’t want to see past it. It was like a damn blocking your clarity and there was nothing that you could do to stop it.

“I just think that- I don’t know. I don’t… it doesn’t matter. We at least need to get through the funeral before I start thinking about that again.” You responded, standing up from your seat. You needed to get to the office and brief some people before you started to run out of time. You had the entire work day, but the entire work day meant nothing when you had so much that you needed to get done. “We can talk more at the party, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

You grabbed your bag and headed out, your driver still waiting for you and starting the journey to the office the moment that you were seated. The party was going to be a mess, but at least you didn’t think Lukas was going to be there.

Of course, you had left by the time that Shiv got on the phone with Lukas, when she invited him to the party because she was well aware that your siblings were going to be talking about him the entire night. That you would more than likely be talking about him the entire night. But she also shut down his need to know how you were doing. He knew that she saw you for ‘breakfast’, but she didn’t really answer him. As much as your relationship with her had strained, she did you the courtesy of not telling him that you kind of looked like you were falling apart at the seams. What good would that do her, or him? She stood nothing to gain from airing out your personal business like that, though she would like to stop hearing about how sad the both of you are.

Still, you would never know about that. Instead, you would head to the office and begin your difficult day with Kendall, he was the first one you walked past and the one with an office closest to yours. He needed to know about what you were dealing with in terms of the election, and he was the one that didn’t seem to have too much of an opinion on it. Where Roman was incredibly pro-Mencken, Kendall didn’t seem quite so convinced. He didn’t have the same ideas about it that Roman had, so you didn’t need to convince him of very much when you sat down to talk to him.

“Can I interest you in a rousing political discussion?” You asked, sitting down in front of him before he really had a chance to answer.

“How long is it going to take?”

“Just a few minutes, I was in contact with the team all night because they’re incredibly clingy.” You responded, pulling out your phone. “I’m gonna print them but I thought I’d tell you first.”

For the next few minutes, you broke everything down to him. You broke down the amount of people per state that had preemptively said who they were voting for, the amount of people who claimed that they weren’t voting and would thus impact the numbers regardless. The people who claimed that they were going to be taking to the street in protest if Mencken won the election, and that if that happened it was going to be on the day of your father’s funeral. You had to explain the apprehension that Mencken and his team felt about whether or not they could win, about what your father had in mind in the event that he lost the election, and what that could mean for the deal considering that you weren’t sure if he was keen on allowing Gojo to buy Waystar to begin with and would need to discuss that further at some point in the coming hours. As well as how many people should be expected to tune into ATN, and what potential protests could mean for the brand itself.

Kendall took your advice to ramp up security at ATN to heart, the both of you knew that if the election was called for him people were going to protest outside of Waystar and ATN. People were going to blame the company that supported him during the election, and the family that was pictured with him in Virginia just a few months ago. While Kendall wasn’t there, yourself, Roman and Shiv were. All three of you were in that picture, and you knew that people were going to be targeting the three of you in particular for it. Despite the fact that you had openly admitted that you were going to be voting for Connor Roy multiple times, people would still use that as a reason to attack.

“How much did you sleep last night?” He asked, pushing his coffee over to you, only for you to push it back.

“I don’t drink black coffee.” You drink overly sweet, barely still considered coffee, caffeinated beverage. “But I appreciate the offer. I slept on and off, I kept my notification sounds on so I could respond to texts from them.”

“Are you sure that you can handle all of this?” It was the same question that your father had asked you. He didn’t know if you could handle it, and neither did Kendall. But you were sure that you could, and you didn’t like the insulation coming from him despite it more than likely coming from a good place.

“Dad warned me about election week, I accepted the risks.” You took it on because it was going to give you power, because it made you feel powerful. Mencken chose you because Tom and the interns sacked onto him weren’t interesting enough, too boring, not vested in the company. He wanted the ‘real deal’, and the real deal with a high ranking Roy. It made sense, and it wasn’t like your work with him was public knowledge. Nobody knew about it besides the people in the company and the people in the campaign. It was just something that made sure your company was prepared, and made sure that he had the campaign support that had been promised to him back in Virginia.

“Do you need any help?” He asked, though you weren’t sure if he actually meant it, you were going to accept his offer. It would probably be best that you got some help from him, you didn’t have enough time to do everything that you needed to do and it was more important that you got everything done than it was to drown yourself in work so you could forget about your feelings.

“Could you tell Tom and Cyd what I just told you and I’ll tell Roman, Frank and Karl?”

“Yeah-”

“And that fuckass Ravenhead, someone needs to talk to that little weirdo.”

“Tom can do it.” He responded, though it almost sounded like he was on a bit of a power trip with that. Like being in control was exciting for him. But you weren’t really surprised by that, he was on a bit of a power trip. He had been since the night before, so you didn’t really expect anything different from him. “Did you go home early yesterday?”

“Yeah, I was tired.” You said. Both of you knew that wasn’t exactly the truth. You wanted to stop thinking about Lukas, and you were having an emotional breakdown, so you went home. It was as simple as that, but you didn’t want to admit it out loud. “Your speech was fantastic, by the way. Our numbers are so much better today than they were before the speech.”

“I’ve seen, the response has been mainly positive.” He looked proud of himself, a smile playing on his face. He tried his best to conceal it, but he always did that when he was trying not to look self-satisfied. You didn’t stop him from concealing it, though. You wished that he could go back to how he had been yesterday. Touchy and huggy and the brother that you wanted to find comfort in. “Are you going to be at the party tonight?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Is he going to be there?” You furrowed your eyebrows, looking him over. You hadn’t been under the impression that Lukas would be there. In fact, you were under the impression that Lukas would not be there.

“No, but you, you know, you- are you okay?”

“I’m peachy, Ken.” You were not peachy. You weren’t even like a slightly soft, bruised-peach. You felt a bit like a moldy peach, but you also didn’t really want to get into it. “Besides, you’ll be there. You know I just like to hide behind you when I get scared.”

“I anticipate a lot of you holding my hand.” He responded, but it was clear that he didn’t mean it in a bad way. He knew that you came to your siblings for comfort, and that physical affection was the type of comfort that you typically wanted. But you were also a bit apprehensive with him right now. He hadn’t reached out to you the night before, he pulled the same thing Lukas did after asking you to move in with him while you were in Norway. He left you hanging, let your mind wander, and the damage had been done. You loved Kendall, obviously, he’s your brother. But sometimes it felt like his capacity for love was drained by his need for power.

“Maybe I’ll hold hands with Connor.” You responded, though your brain was already beginning to spiral.

In general, you’d been through more with Roman than you had with anyone else. He was your closest friend (which is sad, since he’s your brother), the person who you went through a hostage situation with, the person who you used to hold and clean his wounds though you were too young to really understand what any of it meant and just hated to see him cry. Roman was the first person you held hands with. He was being berated by your father and you wanted to hug him, but you couldn’t. He would notice, he would get angry. You held hands with him under the dinner table because he wouldn’t see it, because it was like a hug in a way and it made you both feel safe, grounded. It was a habit that you continued through to adulthood, but it all started with Roman.

Whereas Kendall was the one that wiped your tears and made you tea when you were sad - he was the one that played you movies and tucked you into bed because he knew damn well your parents weren’t going to do it unless you were in an especially bad place or they wanted to get in your good graces for something. Your relationship with him was different. He was more protective over you. Roman filled that best friend role, but Kendall was your older brother to a fault. You didn’t want to be angry with him, especially because you had picked up so much of his drive for power. You understood what it was that he wanted, and why he wanted it so badly. You wanted the same thing, and now that you were sure you lost that power with Lukas, you were trying to find it again on your own with your siblings.

“Anyway,” You stood up, tucking your phone into your pocket and moving around the table. “I’ll see you later, have fun with Tom and Cyd.” You leaned down to kiss his cheek, Kendall returning the affection with an additional pat on the shoulder before letting you go do what you needed to do.

The conversations with Roman, Frank and Karl didn’t go much longer than the one with Kendall did. Roman’s was the only one that went a little long, but that was just because he was actually invested in this. He was pulling for Mencken and had been from the beginning, if he didn’t win he didn’t know what he was going to do. Perhaps part of that was just because him bringing Mencken in was something that your father had supported, because it was one of the last things that he was able to do in order to gain his approval. Maybe it was something else, maybe he truly believed everything that he was saying and he wanted nothing more than to have him in office. You really couldn’t be too sure, but you didn’t blame him for being so invested in the fate of the person that he had somewhat staked his personal reputation on.

By the time you were finished speaking to them, you were off to visit Mencken’s team. It was supposed to just be a short meeting, probably. You were sure that you were going to be caught up on what was going on and what was being planned, but you were mainly concerned with the protests. You’ve heard a lot of rumbling about the possibility of protests following the election. People who didn’t want him as president, people who were threatening to take to the streets if he won. People who were even going as far as to threaten violence. You were mainly concerned because this was going to be falling onto the day of your father’s funeral, but you were also concerned because, if the conversations that you had with him and his team were to leak, you would one hundred percent become a target.

Once you arrived, you were very quickly being ushered into a private meeting room before sitting down. You looked at the girl that you typically met for this. An intern, you were pretty sure she was paid, but she was the only person besides Mencken who you ever met with.

“So, what did you need to discuss with me?” You asked, accepting the cup of coffee that you were being offered. Throughout the months that you had been working with the team, she’d memorized just how many sugars you liked in your coffee. “Thank you, by the way. I’ll miss this.”

“Oh, thank you, I’ll miss this too.” Sometimes you forgot who you were. You weren’t just some person, and you couldn’t say that to some young intern who was working for someone like Mencken when you worked for the company behind ATN, and were the daughter of one of the most iconic conservative media personalities in the country. But you surely remembered when you saw her eyes light up. “And it’s this.”

She pulled out demographics, but it’s a full sheet. It’s pretty much everything that you had been texting back and forth about, but these were the final day predictions. The one that truly mattered more than the rest of them, and the ones that were more likely to be accurate. “So it’s going to be close?”

“Incredibly, nobody can predict a winner.”

“Good, looking forward to tomorrow.” You responded, before remembering what it was that you needed to address. “In the event that he wins, there’s going to be protests.”

“We’re anticipating that, though we can’t predict the full scale of them.” She responded, moving the screen of her tablet to face her. She opened a different PDF document, one that contained a lot of different internet messages that they had all compiled. As you read through them, you found yourself growing more worried about this election than you were before. Regardless of who won, there was going to be chaos and protests. There could be violent protests from either side, aggressive ones that turned violent because of the police presence. No matter what happened, they were anticipating that the city could end up being partially shut down due to the election.

“I think it’s really awesome that this is going to fall on the day of my father’s funeral.” You stated, your eyes still captivated by the dozens of angry people on the screen. “Which group do you think has more of a capacity for violence?”

“Our side has more guns,” Our side… like you were actually voting for the man. You didn’t say anything about it, everyone in the office knew that you were voting for Connor no matter who you worked with. “But their side will be just as angry, if not more so.”

“Don’t generalize who has guns, our side in this city are the elite. I’m the only person in my circle that has a gun in the city.” One thing that you weren’t when it came to non-Lukas related work was unprofessional. You were there to offer advice and communicate Waystar’s position. “It’s not looking great for Wednesday. Any casualties expected?”

“Not right now, we can’t predict that until the protests start.”

“Even then they would be an anomaly.” You handed the iPad back, glancing down at the lights that sat on the table, reflecting gold onto the brown wood beneath them. It was a more classic look, nothing like the modern, open and entirely glassy look that your father had opted with after the finished construction of One World Trade Center. “Interesting office, more comfortable than the one I work in. I might miss the atmosphere.”

“I’ve always wondered how you managed to exist surrounded by that much glass.” It was interesting to you that you had become friendly with people in this group. You weren’t really on their side, and you were generally only using them because you wanted the respect of your father. You wanted to do something, but you hadn’t actually anticipated getting to know anyone. Typically, people didn’t want to get to know you unless they wanted something from your father. You could understand why Shiv went into this sector, it was a real shame that had been ruined for her.

“It can be nice sometimes, around sunset when it reflects. It’s pretty, but nobody should be in the office that late anyway.” You often were. People who ranked higher in the company were typically not afforded the luxury of a 9-5 workday. You would come in when you felt like you needed to, and no matter what time that was, you would often end up going home at least after seven - sometimes later. It was very rare that you had what could be considered a normal workday, and you figured it was going to become even harder to find now that the company was not owned by your father. “I have to go, but I’ll be sending a memo about the protests and how Waystar will be handling them.”

“Are you anticipating a shutdown?” She asked, collecting her things and following you to the door. You couldn’t be sure until you knew what was going to happen, but you knew that it was going to be bad.

“I won’t be in the office that day, most of the people who work there won’t be.” You responded, holding the door handle and turning to face her. “More than likely increased security around our offices, less staff reporting to work. Anticipate call-outs, but I’ll explain more about it in the memo. I have to talk to Kendall first.”

Perhaps it should be of note that you were mainly communicating with Kendall despite the fact that the CEO position was being filled by both him and Roman. But Kendall was the one in the office more, and deep down, you knew that he was the one that wanted it more. You were almost positive that your father hadn’t seriously considered any of you besides Kendall for the CEO position despite their turmoil, so it made sense to you that he was the person that you were mainly communicating with. As much as you hated to disrespect Roman like that, somewhere in your brain you knew that Kendall was always the most serious candidate for CEO.

“I’m sorry about your father, by the way.”

“Don’t be, he was-” He was a prick. That was what Lukas had said, and he was right even though he was wrong to say it to the three of you. He was mean, cold, callous. He abused all of you, some physically and some emotionally. Still, he was your father. You loved him, and you wanted nothing more for your entire life than for him to love you. It was difficult to grasp, but even more difficult to put into words. “He was getting old, you know? I think we kind of knew it was going to happen when he collapsed just going for a hike.”

“Are you vying for CEO?” This was the last conversation you were probably going to have, so there was no reason for you not to be honest. Especially since you were pretty sure Mencken had coerced all of this information out of you months ago.

“No, I don’t know- probably not.” The thing was, you hadn’t really considered it. You had considered it growing up, you wanted nothing more than to be the one in the office - the one on top. But you had never been promised the position. You were promised that you would become higher ranking as you got older, that you would be important. Then Lukas promised you a high-ranking position in Sweden, that you would see the merger through. Now your father was gone, Lukas was… you didn’t even know what was going on there, and you had given up the fight to your brothers. “I don’t know if I want it anymore.”

“Don’t feel like dying in an airplane bathroom?” Cold, the sort of mean thing to say that you would expect from her boss. But it made sense that he would hire a like minded person.

“Not particularly, no.” You responded. But sometimes it felt like that was what you were condemning yourself to anyway. Whether you meant to or not, you were icing out people who cared about you. Burning bridges, and letting someone else take care of the wreckage. Your father’s death was destroying your life because you didn’t know what to do anymore. You were lost, confused, and reckless. If you kept up like this, everything that you ever wanted was going to be taken from you. Just a corporate shill, with no heart, and nobody to be there for you when you died. It wasn’t what you wanted, but somewhere in the back of your mind you knew that it was what you were going to get.

She could have asked about the thing more people were curious about: Your relationship. But she didn’t. Nobody said anything about your relationship to you, nobody bothered you about it or questioned whether or not you were making good choices. Your relationship was your business, and people seemed to understand that. Or, they feared that if they overstepped you would use your money and influence to ruin their lives. In the past, you wouldn’t have. You weren’t that kind of person. But now? Now you weren’t sure what you would do if someone crossed you, purposefully brought something like that up when you really didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want anyone to know about it. You could feel that poison running through your veins, the same bitterness in your blood that all of your siblings carried. You’d never had it before, you never knew what it felt like to be venomous. But right now… right now everything felt like it was shifting.

As you left the office, you found yourself on the phone with your brother again, explaining that the protests looked like they were going to be bad no matter who won. He was on board with your idea to ramp up security earlier and still was, though he also seemed more akin to just closing the office. Everyone had gotten an invitation to the funeral if they were higher than the mail-room. It made no sense to keep it open, but security would be needed to protect what was inside. The documents and the technology. Everything that was in there was of value, and it could sink the entire company if an angry protester came in to find, and subsequently leak, sensitive information.

But wouldn’t that just be poetic? If this all-consuming acquisition, the one that is partially responsible for the death of your father and entirely responsible for the sadness coating your heart right now, were to crash and burn because the entire company died? No new CEO, no life-long battle with a solid conclusion, nothing. You almost wished for that, it would feel like a way out. No more debates, or tension, or people trying to one-up each other to obtain control of the company. It would show you all just how pointless everything that you were doing actually was. But that would never happen. The company would survive through the acquisition, and it could either make everything or break everything.

The phone call didn’t last long, and it didn’t take you very long to get back to the office and begin working on sending E-Mails, memos, and every other form of communication that some of the more technologically advanced of your peers tended to prefer. It was annoying and tedious and you almost wished that you had asked for a bigger favor from Kendall than just going down and talking to the people at ATN for five minutes each, but you presumed that he had things to deal with as well. The acquisition was taking the forefront of all discussions, and you were really the only one that needed to be focused on the election. He needed to convince the board against voting in favor of Lukas, and you needed to convince people that this election was, in fact, not going to result in the entire country getting burned to the ground. Easy. Fun. Nothing at all that was going to be too stressful to deal with right before going to a party.

It was hours before you were able to stand up. Throughout the entire day you had called probably ten people to bring you ten different cups of incredibly sweet coffee to keep your mind buzzing while you worked. It was incredibly challenging to keep yourself focused when you had Lukas texting you every so often to see if you were ready to talk or not. Even if you were ready to talk, you just didn’t have time. After about two hours, you decided that you would just be honest with him. Maybe it was because the overwhelming workload was distracting you from your rage, or maybe it was something else, but you felt like you needed to say something.

‘I can’t talk right now, the election is tomorrow.’ You sent the text. Short and to the point. He knew that you were the one working on this, though you didn’t understand why Roman hadn’t come in to talk to you about it yet.

‘They still have you working on that?’ So he did remember, why would he forget?

‘My dad died, I didn’t forget how to work.’ You, normally, would have sent something along with that. An emoji, a picture, something to communicate that you were being sarcastic. And you were, because for some reason it felt normal to be speaking to him like this. But you didn’t send much, you were too stressed. ‘I have a lot of writing to do, talk later.’

You didn’t really need to check what he sent you again, it was just confirmation that he understood. Despite everything, you were being genuine. You were busy, you didn’t have time to spend an hour breaking things down with him. You didn’t even have twenty minutes to spend breaking things down with him and probably wouldn’t until after the election. Even then, you had your father’s funeral. It wasn’t a good time, and you were sure that he didn’t believe you when you said that you would talk to him later.

As you continued to type up a response to one of the concerned people who invested in the campaign, reassuring him that it was anyone’s game, you heard a knock on your door. As you glanced up, you were met with Roman’s face. “Rome, I don’t have time.”

“Lighten the fuck up, I want to help you.” He said, pulling up a chair and snatching your laptop away from you. “You have three screens out, you won’t get this done in time.”

“I can get it done-”

“You’re not even voting for him, let me help.” He had you there, you were not voting for Mencken and he had seemingly come to terms with that. Despite your blatant refusal to show support for him at the ballot box, you were working your ass off to get things done in time. “And you only have two more hours, since I’m sure you haven’t checked.”

“What-” For the first time since you sat down you glanced at the time. He was right, you were running out of time to get this done. “Fine, but at least pretend to be me.”

“Will do.” His tone was sarcastic, but he seemed serious regardless. It was true that he technically had more influence, and people wouldn’t be necessarily offended seeing that one of the co-CEO’s was signing off on one of the messages that they were receiving, but that didn’t change the fact that it was your job. It was humiliating to have people know that you weren’t the one doing it, but you were sure that humiliation mainly came from the way that your father had made you feel about work. You had always played second fiddle to your siblings, so independence became incredibly important to you in the few chances that you were able to get it.

The unfortunate reality, however, was that the independence that you believed you had was a falsehood. You were never independent, never free to swim on your own. Your father had you in his grasp, he never let you stray more than a foot away from him. While you believed that you were swimming in the ocean, free to go anywhere that you could take yourself, you were really just swimming in your father’s elaborately designed pool.

By the time you were finished, you were both incredibly exhausted from all the work. But office hours were closed, and the only people that were going to be expecting responses from you outside of Mencken himself were going to be at the party. There was no more need for EMails and memos, you just needed to make it there.

“Rome, you’re positive that Lukas isn’t going to be there?” For the first time since you sat down and started working, you started to feel the crushing reality of what had happened between yourself and Lukas again. It had become so easy to ignore when you were burying yourself in your work. It made you feel normal, sane. Your brain was moving too fast for you to think about the things that were bothering you, but now they were all that you could think about. This thing, this giant mess, it wasn’t something that you wanted to be in. There was a big part of you begging for you to just make up with him, like you couldn’t take it anymore because that part of you knew that there was a good chance that he didn’t do anything wrong. But you just couldn’t do it. Something within you was broken, and you couldn’t change that.

“I don’t think he’ll be there, but he’s unpredictable.” He is unpredictable, but he’s a little easier for you to predict. “Do you think he’ll show up? You know him.”

“I don’t know.” You responded, staring down at your phone. He had been sending considerably less text messages in the last few hours, but that might just be because you had told him that you would talk later. Whether he believed you or not was yet to be seen, but if he wasn’t blowing up your phone like he had been, there had to have been a reason for it. “If he does, it would be because he knows that we’re not just going to be talking about the election at this party.”

“Well… we can kick him out.”

“Yeah, I mean, that would look fucking terrible for our image.” Plus… he was on the guest list. He had been for months, but he told you that he didn’t want to go to the party. Your father was the one who invited him, and he complained about it for a week because he didn’t want to go to some political networking party. The only reason he planned on going was to appease your father, and to go public with your relationship. Now… Well, now you weren’t sure what would make him go. Would he go as far as to come to a party that he has no intention of going to just to stop you and your brothers from shit-talking him? Would he come all the way here just because he wanted to speak to you? You couldn’t know for sure, not until you arrived at the party.

“I can kill him, if you want?”

“That would solve all of your problems, wouldn’t it?”

“Would it not solve yours?” He wasn’t serious, obviously, but he was also wrong.

“You know, Connor said the same thing.” You responded but as much as you wanted to be amused by your brothers wishing death upon someone for hurting your feelings, you couldn’t find any comedy or relief in the situation. “I don’t want him to die, I just- I’m just not very happy right now.”

“No fucking shit.” Roman was never super serious, and he was hardly ever vulnerable. But he could see that vulnerability in your eyes, and he hated it. As much as he tried to shut people out with sarcasm and blatant rudeness, he wasn’t a monster. “Alright, come here.”

You let him embrace you in a hug, your head resting against his neck. He was comforting, he was nice when he wanted to be, and he cared more about people than he ever seemed to want to let on. Just because he acted so cold sometimes, didn’t mean that he really was. Sometimes, you were pretty sure that he had more heart than the rest of you, despite him being the one that seemed to conceal it the most. He was what he was, but he was still your brother. And he was still the person you were closest to, he always had been.

“We need to go.” You commented after a moment, standing up and walking toward the door. You grabbed your bag and your phone, throwing away the few remaining disposable coffee cups on your desk before shutting the light off and locking the door. You walked with Roman to the elevator, everyone else having already gone home for the night. You were going to need to go home and get changed into something that you could wear to the party, but you didn’t feel particularly in the mood for party clothing.

“How bad do you think the protests are going to be?” Roman asked, leaning against the wall. “Think they might burn this place down?”

“I think nobody is stupid enough to try and burn a building down here, they’ll probably get hanged or something.” Destroying skyscrapers is a big no-no since the last time, but that didn’t mean that people wouldn’t still try. “Ken’s probably gonna shut the office down with additional security, I would have assumed he talked to you about that since… you know… you’re both in the same position?”

“I would have assumed that too.” He seemed almost bitter, like this is something that’s been happening to him repeatedly. You wouldn’t put it past Kendall to ice Roman, especially since he hadn’t even swung by to say goodbye to either of you when he left the office. He had always been the one that wanted it the most, the one that fought with every fiber of his being to be in power. Where he wanted that power because it was something that he was promised, you just wanted it because you believed that love meant approval, and your father approving of you and being proud of you was ultimately the only way that you could make him love you. Kendall was different, and you wouldn’t put it past him to throw every single one of you under the bus to get what he was promised.

“Don’t let it bother you.”

“I’m not.” He was. He was just lying about it, but you wouldn’t expect him to be honest about his feelings. One thing about Roman Roy is that he is never honest about his feelings, he wasn’t going to start now.

“Uh-huh.” The elevator dinged and you stepped out of it, sitting down in the car. “Are you coming with me, or…”

“I-” He was considering it, checking what he was wearing and trying to figure out if he could. But he didn’t have any clothes at your apartment, well… he did, but they were pajamas and they were in your spare bedroom. “I have to go change, but I’ll see you there.”

You allowed your driver to shut the door as you said goodbye to Roman, the car beginning its journey back to your apartment. The closer you got to it, the more you began to wonder if you should just call Shiv and let her know that you weren’t going to be able to make it to the party. Sure, you couldn’t be sure that Lukas would do something like try to show up, but you couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t, either. He was what he was, and you wouldn’t put it past him to come to the party even when he knows that people don’t want him there.

But there was also a part of you that wanted him to be there. A part of you that wanted him to force you to confront your feelings, because ultimately the only thing you can do is stop beating around the bush. But you were also exhausted, and you didn’t want to spend the entire night networking with more people and talking about the same things that you had been all night long. You didn’t want to bitch about the acquisition to anyone who would listen, and debate with people about whether or not your brothers were fit to run the company. Ultimately, you had no real interest in going to this party because it felt like it was going to be draining, but you also had no choice.

Despite yourself, you were quick to get dressed the moment you stepped into your bedroom. You weren’t in the mood for something fun or cute, so you opted with a full, black three-piece suit. It was nice, you always liked the way that you looked in suits, but people often thought it was a statement when women wore them. But it was your sister's party, and there was no reason why you couldn’t wear the things that you wanted to wear. Even with what had happened, with the turmoil in your relationship, you still allowed the necklace that you had been given by Lukas to hang around your neck, the one that you hadn’t taken off since you got it. Deep in your mind, you knew that you didn’t want to take it off. So you didn’t.

Getting ready for a party felt strange. It felt like it was wrong. It was one thing to go to a political party for a candidate that you weren’t even voting for, hosted by your sister who hated said candidate. It was another thing to go to a party while your relationship is either ending or over or… somewhere in some weird sort of purgatory state that you just cannot define. But a completely different thing to be doing all of this so close to the death of your father. Everything about it felt like it shouldn’t be happening. But it was. The election couldn’t be postponed, it didn’t matter what interpersonal drama you were going through, because it didn’t come before the political system. Nothing was going to be halted just because the Roy’s lost their patriarch. You all just needed to go about your days like nothing was wrong, and you were truly doing your best to pretend that absolutely nothing was bothering you.

With one last glance to yourself in the mirror, you opted to spray that sweet smelling perfume that you often went with. It contrasted your mood, but it was something people had grown used to and you couldn’t just go there not acting like yourself. You didn’t feel like yourself, but these people didn’t care about that. Not a single one of them genuinely cared how you were thinking or feeling outside of the people that you were close with. A majority of the people there were just going to be interested in the business, in the election, in the things that mattered to them. You were just going to have to continue to mask your emotions until you could get home.

As you stepped back into the crisp night air, you wondered how long you had been inside. It was far darker now than it was when you arrived, but it didn’t feel like it had been that long. You hadn’t even gotten into the shower since you had already showered that morning. The moment you sat down in the car, however, you received a text from Shiv. You were late, pretty much everyone else was there and you weren’t going to be there for another ten minutes. You sent her a response that you had gotten stuck in traffic, though the reality of it was that you had gotten stuck in your own mind. You felt wrong about going, but there was nothing that you could do about that. Skipping out on this party meant skipping out on retaining a good public standing - and ultimately, what matters more than that?

The drive there was tedious. You felt anxious about not being there, constantly picking at your nails or looking out of the window in the hopes that the car was somehow faster than it usually was. Every time a car stopped in front of you it felt like you were missing something, and in reality you knew that you were. You were supposed to be at this party, you were all but required to be there, and here you were, sitting in traffic and wondering if it would be better if you just got out and walked. The traffic was usually bearable, you hardly ever thought about it, but right now it was giving you more stress than it had done before.

Eventually the ride was over, and you were rushing to the elevator and waiting anxiously to arrive in the apartment. The moment you did, you felt an overwhelming feeling of relief swell over you. You made it, and Lukas wasn’t there. You snuck into the room, greeting the few people who noticed you before finally finding your siblings.

“I thought you chickened out.” Roman commented, watching as you glared at him before greeting Shiv and Kendall.

“Wouldn’t miss this for the world.” You responded, though that wasn’t true and they all knew it. You didn’t want to be here, you had no interest being at this party and you almost felt like you had no business being here. It felt wrong, but there was nothing besides cry about that feeling that you could do. It was what it was, and you needed to be there no matter how strongly opposed to it you felt. “He didn’t come, did he?”

“He did not, he wasn’t invited.” Roman responded, but you shook your head. Shiv knew, she knew and you knew she knew because she had the same look in her eyes that you did.

“He was invited, dad invited him months ago.”

“What, did you want him to be here?” Roman seemed to be picking up on your words the wrong way, but it was almost like he was purposefully misinterpreting them.

“I don’t think that’s what she’s saying.” Shiv spoke up, shutting down whatever thoughts Roman was having. He was looking at you like you were some kind of turncoat, and not someone who was just genuinely wondering if Lukas was going to show up. “But he was invited, I’ve seen the guest list.”

“And you didn’t tell us? Either of you?”

“Didn’t seem particularly relevant.” You chimed in, though Kendall was the one to interrupt the conversation. There was a plan in place. All of you were going to spend the night talking to the people in the room, getting information from them and trying to convince them to join your side in the boardroom. You, being the one scorned by Lukas, were the one on official shit-talk duty because ‘you would seem the most sincere about it’. But first, Kendall needed to give a speech. He needed to address the people in the room, the people who were looking to him more than the rest of you for answers. Then the games could begin.

Despite your apprehension about attending the party, there was something soothing about listening to Kendall speak. It felt like everything was normal and like you were just enjoying a tailgate party like you did every four years. Nobody was there to bother you, and you were going to be hard at work schmoozing the voters and the investors because that was what you excelled at. You were good at talking to people, good at making people like you. It came easy when your entire life was spent trying to make your parents like you.

Though you felt somewhat normal, almost tranquil, that sadness did still linger in your mind. It was ever-present, and you were sure that it wasn’t going to leave you anytime soon. But that didn’t mean that you needed to allow it to weigh you down. If Lukas truly wanted to see you, he would be here right now. He had an invite, nobody was going to turn him away at the door. But he wasn’t, so maybe… maybe you weren’t in the wrong for everything like you had been trying to convince yourself that you were.

Kendall began a moment of silence in memory of your father. Just as that inner-monologue began working in your brain, just as you started thinking about how you could improve upon yourself, someone came through the door. Oh. He had come. And he was wearing the worst jacket that he could possibly have found. It was an eyesore in the room of people dressed in rather casual clothing, it stuck out like a sore thumb and you were almost positive that was his goal. He wanted to stick out, he wanted everyone to stare at him and wonder what he was doing there. He was, afterall, one of the most important people in this sector. People were going to want to talk to him. But most importantly: He was going to want to talk to you.

Discreetly, you moved a bit behind Roman, doing your best to pretend that you weren’t paying most of your attention to Lukas. You couldn’t do this, maybe you should go home? Maybe you should just jump off of the building and allow everyone to wonder where everything had gone wrong. Instead, you waited for Kendall to gather with yourself, Roman and Shiv outside of the room while you tried to act like everything was normal, like this was just okay with you.

“Did you know he was coming?” Kendall was the one to ask you, but you didn’t expect any different from him. You didn’t expect anyone to not think it was you. Anyone except Shiv, because she knew that you weren’t really communicating very much with Lukas.

“I doubt she’s even talked to him today.” Shiv spoke up, but you didn’t want to lie, there were enough lies going around and you didn’t feel like being a part of that.

“I have spoken to him today.” You clarified, though you could feel the incredulous looks from all three of them now. “But it was just to tell him that I was too busy to talk. You know I didn’t know he was coming.”

There was nothing any of you could do, but it was clear that everyone knew that he was just going to be there for the rest of the party. Whether or not it was your fault, or dad’s fault for inviting him, or because he was working with Shiv apparently, you did not know. Still, you weren’t sure that you could do this. You wanted someone to stay back, to ask if you were okay, to make sure that you were going to be okay with him being there. But you weren’t awarded that courtesy, and it was like you were cut loose the moment you walked through the door.

Everyone went their separate ways, and you weren’t sure where to go. You knew that he could see you. You knew that he was going to want to talk to you, and you would rather not have a conversation with him. So, you found an investor and decided to speak to one of them. He was someone who you had been in contact with earlier, someone who you knew was concerned about what was going to happen following the election in the event of Mencken winning. Maybe if he saw that you were hard at work, speaking with voters, he wouldn’t bother to come over and speak to you. Or, maybe, he would. And that determination was going to be what made you want to speak to him again.

You made sure to keep your eyes to yourself as you spoke to people. That plan of shit-talking Lukas went out of the window for you the moment that he arrived. You couldn’t. Not while he was there, not while you knew that he wanted to speak to you. There was something holding you back, and that something was incredibly overwhelming to you. It felt like every noise in the room was louder, like every conversation was slightly more distant, like you knew that you were only buying time because the moment you didn’t bounce around the room the moment he got closer he was going to speak to you.

It wasn’t like he could just come at you. Your relationship wasn’t public, and if he did that it would be. He couldn’t put an arm around your waist and pull you into a different room to talk while you were trying to have a lively discussion about whether or not you believed that someone was going to try and hang you in the streets if they found out that you had been working with and for Jeryd Mencken. It wasn’t a fun thought, but it seemed more fun than confronting your feelings and having an honest discussion about them.

But that thought couldn’t last forever. You felt too overwhelmed to be out here. Your siblings were doing their own thing, you weren’t even sure where exactly most of them were. Though, there was a slight pang of jealousy that you got during the few moments when you would look up and see Lukas. He was always talking with Shiv, always trying to convince people to work with him but always by her side. You knew why, your brothers had specifically asked her to do this. But it was still… something about it bothered you, but something about him being there in general bothered you. At some point, you had to reach your breaking point.

The moment you broke away from a conversation with a couple you had been speaking to, it felt like your feet had a mind of their own. You were walking through the halls of the apartment toward a closet before you could even think about what you were doing. You had done this as a child, and if you really thought about it, you wouldn’t be doing something like this. But it wasn’t like it was a tiny closet. It was a walk in closet, with a bench, and lights, and everything else that you could ask for when you decided that you were too overwhelmed and wanted to hide away and watch videos on your phone.

It wasn’t like anyone was really paying all that much attention to you. Your siblings were doing their own thing, and the only person that you really noticed paying a lot of mind to you was Lukas. He had interrupted countless conversations to inch a little bit closer to you before you managed to find a way to get away from him. It felt wrong, it felt like maybe you should be giving him an olive branch here. But you couldn’t. You just couldn’t. All you could do was sit on your phone, and wonder if there was any chance that Shiv wouldn’t mind if you were to go and sleep in her bed instead of hanging out in this closet. It wasn’t like she was sharing a bed with Tom anyway, it was just her bed, and it wouldn’t be the first time that you had shared a bed with her - far from it.

For the first few minutes you were in the closet you were looking at Twitter, scrolling through all of the Tweets that you had shared with Lukas over time. It didn’t look like much more than a friendship to people who didn’t know you. He would tag you in things, you would like and respond to them. Nobody really knew that it was something more than that, nobody knew that when you shared a picture of you on vacation with him with a caption alluding to the deal that you were actually just on a romantic getaway. Nobody but you, and the few people in your life who knew about your relationship. But that made you too sad, so you opted to open TikTok instead.

Of course, opening this app doesn’t do much to help you. A lot of the people speaking are people who are complaining about the election, people who you would typically agree with but every video seemed to be condemning news sources like ATN that were propping him up - news sources that were getting a lot of their information directly from you. There was something that made this entire thing worse when you realized that you played such an integral part of it, but this was yet another thing that your father had warned you about. You were never like him, never like Roman either, when it came to politics. You were always siding with Shiv about them, it was why the Pierces liked you, why Naomi and yourself were able to become friends before your father took that away from you because it made him see you as some kind of a traitor.

This was… strange for you. It was easier to ignore it than it was to suffer through the consequences of your own actions, so that was what you did. You scrolled through until you found things that had no relation. You almost wished that you could just bring yourself to leave the closet, to stand up from the bench and go do something comforting like talk to Connor. but you couldn’t do that, you just wanted to sit here and-

“I knew you would be in here.” You clicked your phone off, feeling your breathing slow down when you realized it was just Frank.

“How did you know?” You questioned, sliding your phone into your pocket. You moved over on the bench once you realized he was coming in whether you had invited him in or not - it wasn’t like it was your closet, so you couldn’t turn him down no matter how much you wanted to pretend that everything was okay.

“Because this is what you’ve always done, you always hide in whatever closet you can find when you’re upset.” It was true, you had been doing this since you were a child. You weren’t quite sure when, or how it started happening, but when you were afraid, or sad, or you just didn’t want to face the party that was going on with your father and his friends, you would hide somewhere. Sometimes, you hid in closets when Lester came around because your siblings told you things about him that made you want to hide. Ultimately, you did it for a lot of different reasons and your father never cared enough to be the one to come and find you. It was always someone else, and it was usually Frank. “Why are you hiding this time?”

“You know why.” You responded, glancing down at your feet. You didn’t want to keep explaining your feelings to people, especially since everyone in your circle knew about you and Lukas. It wasn’t news, but he wanted to hear you say it.

“Tell me again.”

“Because I’m sad.” It was supposed to end there, but it was like something snapped in your brain and you just couldn’t stop speaking. “I’m so sad, you know? And my dad just died, my fucking dad is dead and my boyfriend probably wants to sleep with my sister and I invited Tom to come onto me and my life fucking sucks. I don’t even know where I’m supposed to go from here.”

“What the fuck happened with Tom?”

“Not much, nothing that I couldn’t have done myself. And I feel fucking awful about it.”

“Does Shiv know?”

“Yeah, Shiv knows.” The thing with Shiv is that she doesn’t show her emotions, she never has. Sometimes she can’t help it, sometimes she gets so overwhelmed that they come spilling out and people make fun of her for it. But your family dynamic was invariably fucked, there was no way around it. She wasn’t okay with what happened, but she was relieved that you were the one to shut it down. And she was obviously upset that Tom had implied that something more happened just to get a rise out of her, especially after the gift that he had given her early in the morning. He had been doing that for months though, gaslighting her into thinking she’s ridiculous for believing that he’s sleeping around - the one time he wanted her to think he was sleeping around, he hadn’t been able to make it to the home-run.

“And what was that about Matsson? How do you know he wants to sleep with Shiv?”

“Because everyone was talking about it, like… genuinely every single person in Norway knew something happened there and even if they didn’t do that he still-” You had no evidence, nothing to back up your claims. Your argument was falling apart at the seams and was based entirely on hearsay. “I just don’t know what to do, I wish my dad was still here.”

Logan Roy was cruel, he was mean, he was cold, and he often made you feel worthless - you almost always felt like you would be worthless without his love. But he was your father, and there was something so ingrained in you that you couldn’t just move on. There may be a lot of bad memories swirling around in your head with him, but there were a lot of good ones too. Memories that you latched onto. He might sit around berating you for something like this happening, but despite him not liking how your relationship jeopardized the deal, he liked Lukas. If he didn’t like Lukas, this deal wouldn’t be happening to begin with. He liked him, he wanted to work with him, and it felt good to know that the person you were in love with was approved of by your father. But you didn’t have him to speak to anymore, you didn’t know how he would feel about it, and you felt completely and utterly lost.

“I was- I am in love with Lukas, and he doesn’t feel the same way.”

Frank was silent for a moment, he tried his best not to overstep even with Kendall. But he had seen you as a child, and right now all he could see you as was a little girl, on the verge of tears. “He’s been following you around all night, he has to feel something.”

It was true that you were the one to shut him down. The one to run away and pretend that you were incredibly busy every single time he tried to speak to you. When you saw him briefly in Los Angeles, when he tried to text you, when he visited you and got angry with your brothers on the mountains. All night long you had been avoiding him like he had some kind of infectious and airborne disease, and maybe you should stop. Maybe you should give him the time of day, and have this conversation that you’ve been dreading. Maybe, just maybe, you should go ahead and prove that you could handle an adult situation like an adult instead of continuously running away.

“Wanna get out of the closet?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get out of the closet.” You let Frank bring you back with everyone else, Kendall watching and turning away - he must have been the one that asked him to go find you, of course he had noticed that you had disappeared. Knowing that didn’t bring you any comfort, though. Your father always sent Frank to go find you when he noticed that you disappeared somewhere in the house, and your brother was continually proving to you that he was allowing himself to become eerily similar to your father.

For just a brief moment, you felt like you could do this. You felt like you could go and find Lukas, speak to him, and see what could happen from there. But then he walked out of a coat room with Shiv, and he looked almost a little too smiley, and it sent you spiraling again. You were quick to disappear into a different room, grabbing yourself a glass and pouring it halfway full with whiskey - more than anyone should really be drinking, but at least you weren’t doing any more cocaine. In the more logical part of your brain, you were certain that he and Shiv were discussing business. It wasn’t like anyone thought it was strange when you disappeared outside with Kendall, Roman and Shiv - but something in your brain was too frazzled to be logical, and you just couldn’t figure out what it was.

That moment alone was interrupted, of course Lukas followed you in here. “Is it later now?”

You sighed and turned back to face him, downing your drink and setting it against the counter. He had you in here, with the door shut behind him, and the only thing you could do was face him. “I guess. The sun set.”

He moved closer to you, but it was timid, he seemed more shy than he usually did. “I didn’t fuck your sister, I know you think I fucked your sister.”

“You-” You knew that, you knew that he didn’t and you wanted to tell him that you didn’t believed him but you couldn’t. The only thing you could get out was one word. “Well… why didn’t you send me any blood?”

“What?” He seemed almost dumbfounded, moving behind you to grab a knife resting on the counter. It was coated in lime juice, “I’ll give you my blood right now if you fucking talk to me.”

He seemed like he was actually going to do it, but you very quickly grabbed his hand and took the knife from it. “You don’t need to do that.”

“Why don’t you believe me?” You didn’t know. You didn’t know why you didn’t believe him and that was what made things so much worse. You had absolutely no idea what was stopping you from believing that he didn’t do anything wrong, and that was torturing you. There was no rhyme or reason, no answer. But for once, for the first time since Norway, you felt… normal. You did believe him, even if he was wearing the most ugly jacket that you had ever seen.

“I don’t know.” Your voice was quiet, small. That defensive tone and angry face that you had taken when he came in was gone, and you knew that you sounded absolutely lost - because that’s how you felt. You wanted so badly to believe him. “I’m sad, I’m sad without you.”

He seemed almost dumbfounded that you said anything like that, and he didn’t quite know what to say. He leaned over, taking your chin into his hand. You couldn’t help the way that you leaned into his touch as his thumb wiped away a tear that had unknowingly fallen from your eye. You didn’t want to keep fighting him, you didn’t want anything but him. Lukas watched you, gauged your reaction to his touch, to his closeness, before closing the gap between you.

The moment his lips connected with yours it was like you felt an instant relief, the familiar warmness of them keeping you comfortable. You just wanted to kiss him, to allow your arm to wrap around his neck as he pulled you flush against his body. The smell of him was intoxicating and so familiar, you wanted nothing more than to smell that, to be so close to him. You hated the distance, you hated the avoidance. For the first time in days, it was like you were finally ready to see everything clearly and just let the past stay in the past. Business was tearing you apart, and you hated it. Of all the things to ruin your relationship, business? What a stupid fucking reason.

Lukas could be a lot of things, but he was warm and comforting with you. He was nice to you, he made you feel welcome, and as you felt him push you a bit, your back colliding with the wall as you deepened the kiss, you felt like everything was finally clicking into piece.

He pulled back, just barely, so close that his warm breath was still fanning over yours as his fingers moved to your collarbone. “You’re still wearing it.” His fingers toyed with the mermaid on the necklace you were wearing, the one that he had given you. You could feel your heart beating out of his chest from his gentle touch, from those familiar blue eyes, from the smile on his lips that just made you want to melt.

“I never took it off.”

“Not even to shower?”

“I couldn’t.” You mumbled, his lips pushing back against yours with what almost sounded like a growl. You let him bite your lip, you let him squeeze your hip. It didn’t matter that there was people outside, that the door was unlocked and that absolutely anyone could come in. His thumb rubbed over your hip, his tongue against your lips, and everything about it felt all-consuming. From the burn of his facial hair, to the way that he almost seemed to want to consume you whole. You felt okay, you felt right about this.

This was the night that you were supposed to tell people about your relationship, afterall, so maybe it didn’t matter if people found you making out in this room, maybe it didn’t matter that he had started untucking your shirt, that you were sure your hair was a mess from being against the wall. You were desperate, and sad, and utterly in love with him. It hurt so badly to be apart from him and now you felt okay.

Lukas pulled back again, his fingers drifting over the warm skin of your stomach. He looked nervous, determined, and you wanted to make a joke about him looking so nervous when he had just practically shoved his tongue down your throat when he finally spoke again, and it was like your mind froze.

“Could you repeat that?” You forced out, your words not much more than a whisper.

“I said I love you, I’m in love with you. I should have- I should have fucking said it a while ago.” Oh.

Oh man. That was all that you had wanted to hear. For months, you just wanted to hear him say it back. When you told him you loved him, when you confessed to everyone in your family that you loved him. You had even just recently confessed to Frank that you loved Lukas. This entire time he hadn’t said it back. Not the night you told him, not the morning after, not even on the day that your dad died. This was all you had wanted, a confirmation that he loved you in the same way that you loved him and it should have brought you to your senses. It should have made you walk out of this room hand in hand with him, to never look back at that mess that you had created and tell him everything that happened and it should have been the beginning of the end of this mess but… it wasn’t.

You were so broken that it couldn’t be. Your father told you he loved you, and what did he do? He screamed at you, he mocked you, he made you feel small. He told Marcia, Caroline, every other woman that he had ever fornicated with that he loved them and how did that turn out? He didn’t love a single one of them. And Kendall, your older brother, the one person who you never doubted loved you for a day in your life, was choosing business over you. He was turning into your father, and icing everyone out in the process. It was Kendall that had been the catalyst for your new insecurity, your new found feeling that love didn’t exist - at least, that nobody would ever love you. That it was just a lie people told you to get something out of you, and he could see the way that your face broke at that, and took a step back.

“No- No you don’t. You didn’t mean to say that.” He was away from you fully, you breaking from the wall as you started pacing around the room.

“I did mean to say that, I do love you.”

“No you don’t- fucking- Ken says he loves me-”

“He does-”

“No he doesn’t, he doesn’t love anyone he doesn’t even love his own fucking children. He’s just like dad, who didn’t- he didn’t love me.”

You were having a full blown emotional breakdown. Maybe that was why he backed off as much as he did, because Lukas might not excel in feelings but he doesn’t need to be a clinical therapist to understand that he didn’t cause this. Something else happened, and he was smart enough to know you were projecting. “Your father loved you, he talked about you all the time.”

“Yeah, he talked about the stock market and creepy Lester all the time too, he didn’t love them. Love is- I don’t deserve it, I’m a bad person.”

“You’re not-”

“I am. I’m- everyone knows, everyone’s saying it. I’m a bad person, I was just out there promoting our next fascist president, I’m not a good person and nobody could ever love me. You’re wrong, you’re just misunderstanding your feelings.”

“I-” English was not his first language, so maybe you should be taking it a little slower. But your head wasn’t on straight, and you weren’t sure how to feel, you didn’t know what to do. You felt entirely broken, entirely depressed, and you just wanted to curl into a ball and die. “Okay.”

While he only said okay because he knew that until you could get out of this manic state you weren’t going to be able to fully comprehend what was going on, you took it as confirmation that he didn’t care. You were leaving this room believing that he accepted that he didn’t love you, because nobody did - nobody could. He knew that he did, and he knew that somewhere in your heart you knew that he did too. But it was going to have to take the backburner. You weren’t going to let him help you recover, but you were going to need to recover. He wasn’t stupid enough to misunderstand that, but he was still incredibly hurt. It took a lot for him to come forward and tell you that he loved you, and there you were, shutting it down in a fit of rage.

As you left the room, you didn’t care about the people watching you, about how they could all see how you had made a mess of your outfit. You merely plopped down on the couch in between Connor and Willa.

“You good?” It was… contradictory. You came to sit with them because they were people that cared about you, people that you loved - people who loved you. But you were acting like nobody loved you. Nobody ever said mania made any sense, and you didn’t need to make sense at this moment. You just needed to cry. You just need to sit here, and bury your face in your eldest brother's shirt and silently cry while your good friend Willa holds your hand.

You didn’t notice when Lukas came back, in a rush and visibly not in a good mood. You were pretty sure that you had actually fallen asleep at some point, only coming back to when you noticed that there was some commotion going on. Roman. Something had happened with Roman, and now he was saying some incredibly rude things to Connor and Willa. Connor was still sitting, but he wouldn’t be for very much longer.

“What the fuck? Rome? What’s wrong with you?”

“Go back to sleep.”

“Fuck off, don’t take that tone with me you little bitch.”

Willa stopped you from going any further with that insult, Connor standing up to confront his younger brother. You didn’t know what caused this incident, but you were certain that it didn’t have anything to actually do with something Connor did. Roman must have gone through something, there was absolutely no good reason for him to be making Connor and Willa leave the party, and leave you sitting completely on your own when you had specifically sought them out for comfort. It was then that you realized Lukas was behind you, turning around to furrow your eyebrows at his comment about voting for Connor.

He can’t even vot- oh, that doesn’t matter either, because now Kendall wants to say something to Lukas. You were… you were dumbfounded. You were completely and utterly lost because what were these people even talking about? Since when is everyone arguing with each other?

Finally, you stood up and moved to stand beside Kendall. You were upset with him, but you also needed him to not do this. He could not openly argue with Lukas. It was irresponsible, it wasn’t going to get him anywhere good. You understood that he believed this was right, and really it was if he wanted to kill the deal, but getting into a fight with him was not the- did Lukas just call his numbers gay?

“Ken’s right, that’s super homophobic.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, not very sex positive.”

“You know I’m sex positive.” That little fucking- well. Everyone here knew that you were in a relationship with him. The people that you hadn’t told had their suspicions even if they didn’t say anything about it. What he said didn’t outright confirm it, but it might as well have. And it wasn’t the main focus, because now he was hugging Kendall, and now he was kissing his neck, and now this entire thing was strange and bizarre and you wanted absolutely no part of whatever weird arguing was going on between everyone. Maybe you shouldn’t have contributed to it, but you went straight to bed anyway.

The moment Lukas was out of the door you did what you wanted to do all along and went into Shiv’s room, grabbing a fluffy blanket from the closet and wrapping it around yourself. You didn’t want to be out there anymore, you didn’t want to deal with anyone, or anything, and you didn’t want to go home either. You were just going to sit here, on the corner of her bed, and stare down at your phone as you processed absolutely nothing that you were seeing.

You couldn’t be sure how long had passed when you heard someone else enter the room, the music from down below having quieted down. It was Shiv, both surprised and unsurprised to see you sitting on her bed. She didn’t say anything, moving toward the closet as you watched her. She looked like she had been crying, and you could only wonder if it had something to do with Tom. He had apparently been complaining all night long, so you wouldn’t put it past him to argue with her in front of everyone there.

“Can I stay here?” You asked, watching as she grabbed two sets of pajamas out of her closet. One of them was yours, you didn’t even remember leaving it there but you knew that it belonged to you because you had wondered when it had gone missing.

“Yeah, just… no texting the fascist in my bed.”

“I have to text him, it’s my job.” You responded, a small smile on your lips. She hated that you were working with him, but it was what you had to do. “It’s almost over though.”

You almost felt like everything was over, like everything that you had ever known and found comfort in was coming to an end. You felt absolutely miserable, and there was nothing that you could do about it. “Think he’s gonna win?”

There were so many different things that you could talk about with Shiv as you both turned away from each other to get changed. You could discuss Lukas, the fight that you had with him, the fight that she must have had with Tom. You could talk about your dead father and your dead relationships and everything else in your life that had died, but you didn’t. You chose to talk about the upcoming presidential election because somehow that felt like an easier topic to broach than what was going on in your personal lives. “They think it’s gonna be really close.”

“Does he think he’s gonna win?”

“Hoping for the best.” You responded, finishing getting dressed and setting your dirty clothes in the hamper. You didn’t need to discuss it as you laid down side by side, the light flicking off and leaving nothing but the moonlight to consume you both. “Everyone knows about my relationship, don’t they?”

“Everyone in that room does.” She responded, because the only thing the two of you really had was your honesty. Kendall was lying to you, though deep in your brain you knew that he loved you and was just showing his trauma in a different way. Roman was… you didn’t even know what was going on with Roman. Sometimes he seemed fine, sometimes it seemed like he was falling apart at the seams. But he had lied to you when he told you that he was okay. Shiv had been nothing but honest, so you believed her when she told you that. “They were talking, but we both embarrassed ourselves tonight.”

“Tom’s an asshole.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Though you could spill about your feelings all night long, Shiv wasn’t that type of person. She wasn’t going to sit up all night telling you about what Tom had said, about how he had made her feel horrible, about why he made her cry. She didn’t do that, and it was becoming more and more difficult for you to do it now too. You could barely comprehend or understand your emotions, so speaking about them just seemed like an impossible task. That was why the silence that followed wasn’t uncomfortable. Neither of you wanted to discuss these things, but you both knew about them. You shared a mutual understanding, and that was all you could really ask for.

Your hand moved over, your fingers tangling into Shiv’s. It had been a long time since you held hands with her, but she didn’t fight it. You didn’t speak about it, you would probably never speak about this to her again. Waterboarding probably wouldn’t be enough to make her confess to holding your hand and sleeping with you at your respective big adult ages. But that didn’t mean that it wasn’t comforting, even if falling asleep felt like an impossible task that night.

No matter how exhausted and drained you were, it was like your mind could just not stop racing. It felt like everything in your life was falling apart. Like your father was the glue that held your family together, and now it was breaking and leaving you all tattered into a million little pieces.

Your relationship with Kendall had never been strained. The one time it was when your father had shut him out and tried to turn you all against him. But you were a little more naive and optimistic than your siblings were. They were willing to shut him out a bit more than you were. Willing to call him out, to write letters desecrating his name and publicly humiliate him at his own birthday. But you believed that things could be okay, that your father would forgive him. That Kendall could forgive your father. You had never shut him out, never hurt him or made him feel like you didn’t love him. At his worst moments, you supported him emotionally and you just wanted the same thing in return from him when you needed it - but he wasn’t there, and it ruined something for you, it ruined your ability to perceive love.

With Roman it was different. You loved him. He was like a best friend to you. But he fucking hated himself. He hated himself more than anyone else you had ever met, even though he acted like he was incredibly confident and self-assured. He was not. He didn’t like himself, he had the worst eating disorder of all of you, and he was constantly beating down on himself. He seemed to be under the impression that he deserved the abuse that his father gave him, so it was no surprise to you that he was burning his bridges. He had gone hard defending and standing up for the Mencken campaign from the very beginning, but being so mean to his own brother over something like that? It wasn’t something you really expected from him, it was going to make him miserable in the long run, but he was already miserable. It was like he couldn’t see that he was miserable, but you weren’t any better, so you couldn’t think too much about that.

But Shiv. Shiv was something that understood you when nobody else did. She was barely older than you, the one that you lived with for the longest amount of time, and someone that you loved dearly. But there had always been tension between the two of you. Your father didn’t have much room for women in his heart. He mistreated most women, and that extended to his daughters. He really didn’t see either of you as fully formed people, you were constantly being given the shaft when it came to job positions, constantly being fucked over just because he knew that he could fuck you over. He made you Roman’s glorified assistant for years, and gave Shiv a title that didn’t matter and left her with little to no power when he knew that he needed to find a way to make her stay.

He taught you how to shoot, and used the things that he had learned from your older siblings to make you better. He let you do a fun activity with him once every so often, and took you hunting with him, and gave you things that your sister didn’t have because he wanted you in the business. He didn’t want you running around in the political sphere, he wanted you at the company. It did cause infighting, but that wasn’t the only important attribute to your relationship with Shiv.

Because she was the only other girl and because she was closest in age she often knew exactly how you were feeling when something happened. You came to her at night when you had a bad dream, or when there was a thunderstorm and it was making you afraid. She was the person you shared a bed with the most growing up because she wouldn’t make fun of you for it. The boys would see you as weak because something like a nightmare or a bad thunderstorm would make you so scared that you need to hold onto someone. But Shiv was a girl, she wouldn’t see you as lesser because you had feelings. The men would, but she understood. She made you feel comfortable, less alone.

Your relationship with her was forever altered, and you knew that. You’d both done some things, some things that you regretted. They were going to stick with you, they were going to change how you interacted with each other. But for just this one night, it really didn’t matter. Issues aside, you did love each other - you loved all of your siblings, but Kendall and Roman had no idea what either of you were going through right now. They were both manipulating you ever-so-slightly to be on their respective sides whether it be the election, or the deal. Shiv had motives, but it was like she’d given up on them.

For the past few months, you’ve been debating back and forth what it means to love someone. You knew months ago that you love Lukas, it was why you told him that you love him. You didn’t just say it because you thought it would give him an ego boost, you didn’t even intend on saying it. It came out, and he didn’t say it back, but he made you feel loved. He held you, he kissed your forehead and traced shapes on your skin and cooked for you and accepted paying your father more just because he was dangling your private relationship above your heads. He proved time and time again that he did, in fact, love you, and even without him saying it you never questioned whether or not it was true.

You’d never really understood what it meant to love someone, or to be loved. Your life, your father, he kept you isolated and away from a lot of human connection. Your friendship with Naomi had been taken from you because he didn’t want you to be working with her, because he believed that he was a threat, because it was one thing to still talk to your siblings but to be friends with your brothers girlfriend who he refused to see as a serious part of his life to begin with? Maybe someday you could rekindle that even though they broke up, but it didn’t matter. He had stopped you from being in relationships, made you feel too anxious, too worried that it was going to somehow ruin your relationship with him. It was how you ended up being friends with only family members, and it was miserable.

The idea you had of love was intrinsically tied to approval, because that was what your father taught you that love was. Somewhere, in the deep recesses of your mind, you knew that Lukas loves you. That love is real, and that you love him too. But there was some wall, some haze, blocking you from seeing that. The only thing that small part of your brain could hope for is an epiphany, but at this point that seemed like it would be a miracle.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

If someone were to question the amount of times that you’d fallen asleep in the same bed as one of your siblings in the last week, you would be at a loss for words. The first time, you didn’t technically share a bed with Kendall, but you did go home with him because you couldn’t stomach the idea of being alone. Then it was Shiv. That one was more spoken about, it was agreed upon that you would share a bed and that you would be there to support each other when you both (very clearly) needed it.

With Roman, things were a little different. This wasn’t the first time that you had shared a bed with him, but there was something to be said about how both of you have been trying to act like everything’s okay all week. How you’ve been trying to hold it in and get your job done, because the alternative is accepting that nothing is okay. You have shared a bed with all of your siblings in the past, but when you went to bed with Kendall it was because you were sad. Almost every time that you had been in the same bed as Kendall, it was because you needed someone to hug you, and he was the one that was always tasked with cleaning up your tears. With Shiv, it was because you were nervous. You would sleep in her bed when you were afraid of a thunderstorm, or a nightmare. The boys would laugh at you for something like that, but she wouldn’t because she understood what it was like to hide your weaknesses from the men. Connor was very infrequent, but it was typically for the same reason that you shared a bed with Roman last night: Because you passed out. You both passed out without really intending upon sleeping in the same bed.

Things were always different with Roman. When you shared a bed with him it wasn’t because you were afraid, or because you were sad, it was because he was. Nine times out of ten, if you were sharing a bed with Roman it was on a day that he had been hit. It was because he couldn’t be alone, because you didn’t want him to be alone. It had nothing to do with you, but everything to do with what he was struggling with. Now, you were both struggling. Pretending that nothing was bothering you, trying to ignore the decisions that you had made the night before and the repercussions that they could potentially have on the people in the United States. You both needed to ignore everything to feel okay about it, so that was exactly that you had done.

But that didn’t mean that this was your ideal. None of your siblings were as clingy as you, none of them needed love in the same way that you did. You had never seen any of them reaching to hold your hand because they needed emotional support, because that wasn’t how they functioned. Something in your brain made you a lot more needy than any of them had ever been. Not one of your siblings ever looked to share a bed with another one, but you did. You did because you needed it growing up, and mostly grew out of it as an adult with very few exceptions. But this week was one of those exceptions. Because you didn’t trust yourself to be alone. You weren’t used to sleeping alone, without Lukas there to help you fall asleep. You weren’t used to being alone with your thoughts, and being forced to think about what you had lost. You didn’t want to be alone in your bedroom, were the pistol that your father had given you as a gift resided. You didn’t trust yourself with it, and you didn’t trust your mind to not spiral into utter chaos the moment that you’re left alone.

Maybe you should think more about that. Maybe you shouldn’t write off your problems as nothing, and continue to pretend that none of them truly matter. But there are a million things that you would rather do than actually think about what’s bothering you, so instead, you just want to ignore it all. Today is going to be a tough enough day, and for now, you just wanted to pretend that it was going to be fine. Afterall, you weren’t the one that had to give a eulogy, you didn’t have to stand in front of everyone you’ve ever met and tell them how you felt about your father. It was difficult enough trying to confront your emotions in your mind, let alone in front of people who probably just want you to sing his praises. That responsibility was going to fall on Roman, and you could only hope that he was going to do a good job.

There was no doubt in your mind that Roman was probably going to speak from the heart a lot more than Shiv or Kendall would. That he had more potential to be put together than you would, and that people would take him going up to the podium a lot more seriously than they would if it was someone like Connor. The entire world had seen video and photos of you, standing beside your brothers and fresh off of a private jet, covered in mascara, snot and tears after watching your father die. But just the image of that alone was enough to make you want to shove your head through some drywall, so you’ve been opting to ignore it.

Instead, you’ve been focusing on some other things that the internet has to say about you. Since that conversation that you had with Mencken, you’ve been spending a lot of time looking into what pictures that people have released of you. Mainly, it was the SubReddits and Duexmoi that shared photos of yourself and Lukas. Not quite as many people on Twitter had anything to say about your alleged relationship, but the people on Reddit had been having a field day with it for the past few months. Everyone had seen you out and about with him, no matter how much Karolina had tried to cover it up. She wanted the two of you to get your shit together and keep it clean, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t hang out, did it? Apparently, it did. It made you wonder how he actually felt about you not publicly announcing that you were together, about you not posting about him online when everyone probably already knows that you’re in a relationship.

To be clear, in no photos is it explicitly confirmed that you’re seeing him. You weren’t kissing him, or hugging up on him, or even holding his hand, in any of the pictures that have been released of you. In a majority of them, you’re just standing beside him in New York; standing a little too close, but still just standing. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, and could even be written off as just hanging around each other because your father wanted you to get to know him before he sold the company. But people in the SubReddits for Waystar and Gojo didn’t see it that way. A majority of them believed that the two of you were hiding something, that you have been in a relationship for months, and that you were just keeping it to yourself as to not sully your reputation.

A large part of you wanted to send a message to Lukas, asking him if he knew what people were saying about the two of you. But he hadn’t been messaging you as much in the past day, and the two of you had already promised to talk during the funeral. Still, you weren’t sure what there was to talk about. There was nothing clean-cut about what was happening here. It was difficult to define what was really burdening you, because your brain was still not working properly.

As a child you needed to learn what was worth crying over, and what wasn’t. Your parents had taught all of you that crying was a bad look, that it made you look vulnerable and stupid, that it made you look weak. So, since you’re such an outwardly emotional person, you learned how to put everything you’re feeling into a box. It’s not really a healthy way of coping with anything, but right now that box wasn’t quite that. It was a dam. The day your father died and two nights later in Norway, you had built a dam in your mind to protect you from every single negative thought that was itching to come out. Instead of crying, screaming, and actually figuring out how you’re feeling, you’re trying to block everything from coming out. But that dam isn’t built to last, and at some point, it’s going to come crashing down. You cannot, realistically, remain in this state of mania, covered in a haze of denial, forever.

But, until something causes that dam to give way and everything comes spilling out, you’re not seeing things quite as clearly as you should be. You’re not able to text Lukas and ask him how he’s doing, or ask him whether or not he knows that everyone knows that you’ve been dating for months. You’re not able to ask him if you’re still in a relationship, or accept that he actually loves you. Because the problem isn’t just that you’ve shut off negative feelings, but that you’re trying to shut off all of your feelings. One of those feelings is love, and you’ve begun to feel like Connor does - like nobody loves you, but you don’t know how to live without it. You’ve always been clingy, always been dependent upon other people to love you. You have no idea how to live without love, and now that your brain is tricking you into thinking that it doesn’t exist, you’re completely and utterly lost on how to respond.

At some point, everything is going to come crashing down. You’re going to have to face the music at some point, and come to terms with what’s actually bothering you. Maybe that point will be today, or maybe it’ll be months from now. But there is going to come a point where that haze is going to lift, and it’s going to be a terrible experience. Following that day where your father died, you’ve done your best to try and not think about it. Then you were given something else to cry about, and now you’re dealing with whatever’s going on with your siblings. They’re all insane, but you’re a little insane too. It’s not really any of your faults that you came out the way you did, it has everything to do with how you were raised and who you were raised by, but that didn’t make it any more difficult to navigate life now.

There wasn’t much that you could say for your siblings, to justify the way that they acted or to justify the way that you did. All you knew was that you knew absolutely nothing. Kendall was being odd, as of recent. Ever since he gave that Living+ presentation he’s been more distant, more focused on himself and a lot less emotional. You haven’t gone so long without speaking to him since before your father died (granted, that wasn’t that long ago), and you knew why. He wanted this power more than the rest of you ever did. Shiv was being distant too, but you knew why. She was going through a lot, with her potential divorce or perhaps not divorce (who really knows anymore), and not really being involved in the company. She’s just trying to get some power here, but you aren’t quite sure that she’ll be able to. Connor is what Connor is, he really doesn’t seem as effected by all of this as the rest of you. But Roman… Roman seemed to be in the same boat as you. He claimed that he pre-grieved, and now he’s pretending that everything is just fine.

Maybe that’s why you’re with him today, why you called your driver to bring you the outfit that you had set aside for the funeral because you didn’t want to stop being around your brother. The two of you have the biggest potential to crash and burn today, but if he’s going to do it, it’s going to be in front of everyone. At least you would be able to do it from the comfort of the pews, or you hoped that everything would go according to plan and that you wouldn’t have to go up there in front of everyone. Nobody should have to see you speak today, it just wouldn’t be a good idea.

That didn’t mean that you couldn’t help Roman rehearse for his speech, because that was what you had been doing for hours in between looking online to see how people were reacting to the election and ATN’s involvement in it.

“You know, I think these people might be smarter than you gave them credit for.” You commented, laying down beside Roman despite being fully dressed in the clothing that you were wearing to the funeral. It was a simple black turtleneck with a black skirt, but it was finely pressed and you really should not be laying down in it. Still, you couldn’t bring yourself to care as you handed him your phone.

“I don’t know about that, they seem to think we control the fucking government.” Maybe he did know that people were going to blame all of you for what had happened, “Or, our sister was a sore loser and she snitched.”

“Oh, yeah, she one hundred percent snitched.” You didn’t need to really ask her what she did right after the election to know that she had made sure that everyone knew about what happened in that board room. You weren’t exactly prepared for the hit pieces that were going to be hitting shelves today about everyone working behind the scenes, especially because you had never been exactly pro-Mencken before all of this - Not politically, at least. “At least it’s going to be Tom that takes all the heat for it and not us.”

“I thought you were friends with Tom? Why are you friends with everyone you meet, again?”

“I thought I was friends with Tom as well.” You responded, leaning your head back as you looked at the ceiling before looking back over at your brother. He had this sort of look in his eyes that Kendall got sometimes, this look that should have told you that he’s not thinking straight. Right now, however, you can’t bring yourself to think anything of it. So what if there’s nothing behind his eyes? At least he’s not depressed. “He’s an asshole, he’s like- he’s just a fucking grifter, and he was never my friend, he just wanted power. And I’m not friends with everyone, I have like no friends.”

“Are you not friends with Mencken? You told me-”

“I have one friend.” You responded, glancing down at your phone again. “One friend, who says some of the worst shit imaginable, and yet, we’re still friends.”

“Just incomprehensible. You love me and I’m the worst person you’ve ever met.”

“Second worst, I met Lester a few times.” You responded, though it was mainly in jest. You would never actually think that Roman was a bad person. Sure, he could say some things that you didn’t really like, and sure, you didn’t enjoy seeing whatever went down between him and Kendall and Kendall’s birthday party (and everything leading up to it) but that didn’t mean that you had a genuine problem with him. He was your brother, afterall, you would never have a real issue with him unless he did something absolutely horrific.

“It’s touching that you think I’m a better person than the rapist that you weren’t allowed to be near.”

“Yeah, I remember Kendall trying to hide me in a closet once when he came around. I still don’t know if he only chose a closet because he thought it was funny.” You could only ever fondly look back on your much older brother shoving you into a closet because you weren’t allowed anywhere near Lester, but you didn’t really know what any of that was about until you were much older. And you never really needed to deal with any of it, since you hadn’t been involved in it and ended up spending your time being held hostage rather than being on trial. “Remember that time that we got held hostage and nobody ever spoke about it again?”

“Weirdly enough, I do.” He responded, sitting up and grabbing the tie that he had set down on the bed. You sat up as well, moving to grab your shoes that were placed in the corner. Your tights were lined, and though they might be able to keep you physically warm, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were going to feel freezing all day because you weren’t going to be happy enough to appreciate the physical warmth. Like your heart would become so sad, that the only thing you can do is be freezing. “Do you think about that a lot? Because I remember you crying on me for hours.”

“It wasn’t hours.” You argued back, sliding your shoes on and fastening them over your ankles. You glared back at him as you moved to sit down on the bed. “It was more like an hour, and you should be rehearsing your speech so you don’t end up crying on me.”

“No tears from me, I’ll be fine.” He responded, sitting down with his pink flashcards anyway. You wanted to believe that he was going to be fine, but you weren’t convinced. Somewhere inside of you, you knew that there was no shot that he was going to be fine, but you were both in the same boat in this. Acknowledging that Roman wasn’t okay meant acknowledging that you weren’t okay, and that wasn’t something that you were willing to do.

Despite his insistence that he would be okay, he did rehearse his speech for you again. He seemed more confident in it than he did before, and there was something about the way that he was speaking that just made you want to reach out and hug him. Neither of you were coping very well, and neither of you ever did. You were always around each other when you were kids. You clung to him like a little finger monkey when he tried to move out, even though you knew that it was better that way because your father had never treated him very nicely. Yet the both of you were somehow the most attached to your father, the ones that were going to have a harder time living without him, and the ones that were trying the hardest to pretend that everything is just fine.

The speech didn’t seem as emotional as it probably should have been, and you wished that you could have clocked that. You wished that you could have said something about how, while he was speaking from his heart, it’s rather difficult to communicate your feelings when you’re not allowing yourself to feel them. Roman wasn’t the one that was never emotional, he was the one that had more emotions than the rest of your siblings. Maybe that was because he was so wounded, you were sure that it was, but you felt like he needed someone to be there for him, and neither of you could help each other. You could enable each other, but you couldn’t help each other when you were both going through the same thing.

“Why are you looking at me like I’m a kicked puppy?” He asked, watching as you looked between his note card and him before you moved forward to pull him into a hug. He took a moment to reciprocate, confused and almost frozen before hugging you back. He didn’t mind it when your face fell on his shoulder, or the way that you were very clearly trying not to cry. He held on a bit tighter, though neither of you were going to cry at this point. You weren’t going to allow yourselves to break down, and to experience those emotions that were just begging to come out.

Roman, after a few seconds, allowed his forehead to fall against your shoulder as well. Maybe you couldn’t help each other in the same way that anyone else could because you were both too incredibly fragile and broken to really acknowledge the fact that you were either of those things. Maybe it would be better if you were with people who could actually help you out, trying to relax rather than attempting to get ready for this funeral while knowing that the board meeting is coming up and that you were going to be dragged through the mud over this election thing. You both needed to come to terms with that stuff, but for right now, it just felt nice to have someone to hold onto.

“We’re going to be fine, right?” You asked, pulling back after a moment to check the time. It wasn’t going to be much longer before you had to head outside, into the car with Shiv and Kendall. You weren’t ready for that, you weren’t ready for what was going to come after. You were going to have to deal with the funeral, with the people who were looking at you with such pity when you really hadn’t even come to terms with the death of your father yet. It wasn’t something that you could really prepare for, but whatever preparedness could be done, hadn’t been. There was no saying whether or not your family would be able to make it out of this mess, things had been bad before, but never like this.

“When have we ever been fine?” He asked, and though his tone was joking, his words couldn’t have been more serious to you. None of you had ever been fine, especially in recent years. Everything has been a mess for a long time, and now you were going to have to deal with an even bigger mess. “We’ll survive.”

“I don’t know that we will.” You weren’t too worried that you would survive, if you wanted to die, you would have by now. You were more worried about Kendall, who you knew had tried to kill himself before. You knew because you were there, because it was yourself and Comfrey who had to take him out of the pool. Because you tried to talk to him about it, and tried to make sure that he was going to be okay, and cried over him while he was sleeping because you somehow thought he was just going to stop breathing. You knew that he might try it again if something goes wrong, and the thought of losing someone else that you love is just too much for you to handle. But you weren’t going to say that to Roman, how could you confront the idea that you were scared that your brother was going to commit suicide?

“We will, when don’t we?”

“When our father was alive.”

“Right.” He glanced down at this cards again, but whatever flicker of emotion that had been showing on his face was gone the moment that you both received a text from Shiv. “Come on.”

“I’m taking one of your coats.”

“Fine, sure.” Roman never really minded if you took his stuff, but neither did anyone else. Kendall let you take whatever wanted, and at some point you had acquired a collection of his hats that you kept in your room. You also had a collection of sweaters that you had stolen from Lukas, though you had an array of things that he had gotten for you in your room as well. The only one that wasn’t put back in your room was the necklace that you had tucked under your shirt, the one that continually proved to that small section of your mind that was holding out hope for your relationship that you were still, very much, in love with the man.

Grabbing one of Roman’s coats, you texted Shiv to let her know that you were on your way down with Roman while he finished putting the finishing touches on his own outfits. Regardless of your desire to pretend that everything was fine, you found yourself wanting to stay back. You didn’t want to go to the funeral, to accept what happened and put your father to rest. You wanted to stay here, where it was safe, where nothing was going to hurt you. It felt nicer to not have to acknowledge that you no longer had a father, but you couldn’t pretend forever.

As you stepped outside, the crisp November air calmed you down a bit. Living in New York, you grew used to it. The colder temperatures, they felt more comfortable than the warmer summer because they took up most of the year. But even being comfortable in this type of weather didn’t comfort you in general.

Kendall looked stressed as he stepped out of his car, but you wanted to assume that it had something to do with the funeral and not something else burdening him. Despite the way that he looked, you still greeted him with a quick hug before getting into the back of the car with him. Maybe you should have said something to him, but it seemed far more interesting to listen to your siblings argue in the row ahead of you.

“What about you? Did you know Matsson was coming?” Roman seemed like he was looking to get some sort of leg up in the argument, but you didn’t really feel like lying.

“Yeah, he asked me if I was okay with it.” You responded, glancing down at your hands.

“I thought you weren’t speaking?”

“You know, it’s just- sometimes, a little bit.” There was no real purpose in lying, but Shiv didn’t seem surprised by it. Of course, you expected her to know that the two of you were having some sort of communications, she kind of needed to know since she was the one that was working with him at the moment.

“Maybe you should talk to him a little more so he stops whining about you.” Shiv commented, and she would have been a fool to not notice the way that your eyes lit up a bit at the news that he was complaining so much about you not speaking like you used to. She wasn’t a fool, and she did notice, but there wasn’t much that you could do about the way that your mind, heart, and body naturally reacted to thinking about him.

“Maybe.” You didn’t know what else to say. You were going to be speaking to him at the funeral, at some point. Whether that conversation meant that you were never going to speak to him again, or that you were clearing the path for some sort of reconciliation, you weren’t sure. All you knew was that your relationship problems were not on the forefront of anyone’s minds, and Roman and Shiv didn’t seem to let up when it came to trying to debate each other. Not until Kendall interjected, until he finally said something that confirmed your suspicions that he wasn’t doing okay.

Though you knew that something was bothering him, you couldn’t have predicted that it had been Rava taking his children out of the city. There was no reason why they shouldn’t be at their own grandfather’s funeral, regardless of what was going on in the streets.

“I’m sorry, Ken. Are you going to be okay?” You always hated to see him like this, and you knew that it had been difficult for him with the kids. You sometimes wondered if he really liked them, since he was never with them all that often, but he was very busy. You couldn’t expect that he would be with his children as much as he would like to be, and you had never anticipated that meaning that Rava would try to take them away from him. But you didn’t have any kids, and you weren’t sure when you were planning on having them (if you were planning on having them, you really couldn’t consider something like that when you were having relationship issues) so that wasn’t something that you really knew much about.

“I’ll be okay.” You felt him reassuringly pat your hand, and you moved your own hand over to grab his out of reflex. He didn’t stop you, though it was nothing that was all too surprising to him. It still felt odd, however, to be sitting in the backseat of a car with your older brother and not doing something like trying to annoy him or singing his favorite songs (or forcing him to listen to Taylor Swift), none of you were in the mood for something like that. This entire car ride felt very solemn, but was that not what it was?

That wasn’t the only news that you got in the car, though, because Shiv had news as well. She was pregnant, and you didn’t know how you didn’t see that to begin with. You had spent just the other night with her, but you were so lost in your own world that you didn’t notice that your own sister was carrying a child? None of your brother’s seemed thrilled, but you were mainly just worried. “Does Tom know? How long has he known? Should I kill him?”

“He does, he’s known since yesterday, probably not but you can if you want to.”

“Consider it done.” You hated that. You hated that for him. He was the one that wanted the child, you knew that much from what Shiv had told you a while ago. Yet he was also the one who spent the entire summer sleeping around, sleeping with people close to the family, allowing you to try and do something with him while you were obviously not in a state to be driving, let alone making any decisions regarding who you should or should not be sleeping with. Even then, you were the one to shut it down, and he was the one who had gotten your sister pregnant and continued to treat her like trash.

“I guess it’s sad my child won’t have a father.”

“Neither do any of us, we’ll have something in common.” In any other context, that comment might have been perceived as a joke, but you didn’t sound like you were joking. You hated that you were going to spend the rest of your life without your father, that none of you had him in your life anymore even if you never really were too convinced that you had him to begin with. He was always distant, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t your father.

“That’s really fucking dark.”

“At least I’m not making passes at my sister.” You watched Roman turn back to glare at you, but it didn’t hold. Kendall squeezed your hand a bit, your eyes averting to him. He was always the one that was there when you needed someone to comfort you, and he was the one holding onto your hand, so it made sense that he would notice that your hand was shaking. “I’m okay, Ken. I’ll be fine.”

Was that the truth? Would you be fine? Would any of you be fine? You weren’t exactly convinced that this was going to be okay, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t. Maybe you would be able to find peace, or maybe you wouldn’t be. But it did comfort you to know that Kendall, who was so clearly lost in his own world, could at least find it within himself to help you out a bit. You had all but given up on him caring whatsoever, but this didn’t mean that he truly did care. Your brain was confused and… jumbled. At some point things were going to make sense, but for now, everything felt incredibly disoriented.

Though, you couldn’t help but feel responsible for how Kendall was feeling right now. You felt like it was because of what the three of you did last night that something like this would happen. You knew that Rava was worried about the election, specifically about how it was going to end up impacting Sophie after something happened on the street. You weren’t entirely sure what it was, you had heard that someone had pushed her from Kendall and that he was going to be sending someone to watch over her, but you weren’t sure what he was talking about entirely. All you knew, was that it had something to do with the election and that it was more than likely something entirely to do with Mencken. You knew that this was on you in some capacity. But perhaps it said enough that a majority of your worry was about your brother and his feelings, and not the literal child that was being effected by this.

By the time the car stopped, you felt utterly terrified. You felt like there was no way that you could even try to do this alone, so while you tried to stick beside Kendall, that ended up not working. He was lost in some sort of conversation with Jess, something that didn’t seem like it was going to go very well. You wanted to be there for him, you were always incredibly worried that he was going to do something rash if he ended up alone, but you couldn’t do much for him. There was enough going on in your mind, enough feelings that you were working through. Adding in whatever it was that Kendall was going through was not going to be very good for you, and it wasn’t going to be very helpful for him.

Walking closer to the church, you could feel a shift in energy the moment that you got inside. There was something going on in there that was overwhelming you, it made you feel like you needed to leave, like there was absolutely nothing that you could do other than just stick around because this was your father’s funeral, and you couldn’t back out just because you were feeling a bit nervous.

Well, you felt more than a bit nervous. There were a lot of feelings that had carried over from your childhood. But the one that you were feeling right now was something that you hadn’t felt in a long time. You felt completely and utterly out of place. Walking in this church, not knowing where to go or who to speak to, made you feel incredibly small. You didn’t know what to do other than look for someone that you knew, and you were coming up empty. Sure, these were all people who knew your father, and you had seen some of them, worked with some of them, but a majority of the people here weren’t going to offer you any sort of comfortability.

Eventually, you ended up spotting Roman and walking over to him.

“Hey, wanna hit some people?”

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows, before realizing what it was that he was saying. “I’m not networking at our father’s funeral.”

“It’s what he would have wanted.”

“I don’t know about that, Rome.” You glanced around, suddenly feeling even more like a fish out of water. Is that what everyone else was here for? To try and network? You excused yourself after a moment, taking a seat on one of the empty church pews. It wasn’t where you were going to be sitting, and you were sure that it was going to be full when more people showed up, but for right now it felt better than standing and looking around aimlessly. All you could do was check your phone and wonder what was going on outside, whether you should be more concerned about the upcoming protests than you actually were. Would they come by here? Would they get in the way of things? You couldn’t be sure, but you also didn’t want to think about that since they were something that you were partially responsible for.

It seemed like things were going to be getting worse with the protests throughout the night. More people fighting, less people trying to come to terms with what happened. You didn’t know what that was going to mean for you and your siblings, if it would be better for all of you to just go home. You intended on doing some more research, trying to figure out if the part of the city that you were going to be in the for the rest of the night was going to be safe or not, but you were cut short by Greg appearing in front of you.

“What’s up?” You asked, sliding your phone into your pocket as you stood up. There was no way that his seat was this far back, so you weren’t sure what he could want. He hadn’t spoken to you the same since Living+, you assumed that Tom had made a point of telling him what happened as well. You, however, would have to make a point of slapping him in the face the next time you saw him.

“I just wanted to, um, just to do my part.”

“Do your part? What the fuck does that mean?”

You glanced over, realizing exactly what he meant as Lukas walked beside him, equally as confused as you were before realization struck on his face. He was parent-trapping you both into talking, but you intended on speaking to him today anyway, so you couldn’t claim that you were offended. You would rather speak to him after the funeral, it seemed like a better time. But who was to say that he was even going to stay for that?

“Okay, see you later Greg.”

“By- see you.” You watched him walk away before turning back to look at Lukas, and you weren’t quite sure what to say. You moved to walk away from the pew, standing beside him in the aisle. Neither of you really knew what to say, because you still weren’t exactly in the proper state to be speaking to anyone about anything, yet here you were.

“Nice venue, right?” You asked, trying to make conversation that just came out more morbid than anything. Because, yes, it was a lovely venue for you to hold your father’s funeral at.

“Yeah, nice windows.” He responded, looking toward the stained glass windows on the wall. “Do- you wanted to talk about something?”

“I wanted to talk about… a lot of things.” You didn’t know exactly what to do in this situation. All you really wanted was to hug him and forget about everything else. To be fully honest with yourself was to accept that there wasn’t anyone else that was going to bring you quite as much comfort as Lukas was, and you didn’t know what to do with that. You didn’t know what to say about that, and all you really wanted was to give him a hug. “I think we should probably talk somewhere more private but, um-” You glanced at the time, “I don’t know if we ca-”

“I thought you’d been avoiding me.” You both turned around at the familiar sound of your mother, of course you knew that she was going to be here, but you hadn’t anticipated her approaching you. She almost never approached you, and sometimes it felt like the only thing that kept her from forgetting that you existed is your closeness with Roman. But you’re not with Roman right now, you’re with some Swedish guy that she doesn’t know, awkwardly trying to have a conversation about your feelings.

“Oh, no, it’s just so crowded in here I can’t make anyone out.” You weren’t lying about that, you really did try to find some familiar faces but nobody was ringing a bell in your head. It probably had more to do with how overwhelmed you were than whether or not you could actually play Where’s Waldo with the people here. “How have you been?”

You moved forward to allow her somewhat cold embrace. It was a traditional European greeting, nothing unlike she would give an old friend, but definitely unlike what a mother would give to her child. Lukas, who was very awkwardly standing beside you, moved to shake her hand. “I should be asking you that, I saw the press conference.”

Right. The press conference, where you did the one thing that you were told not to do as a child and cried in front of everyone. “Holding it together, trying to, at least. Yesterday was a good distraction, I’ve been working on the campaign for months now.”

“You’ve been working on the campaign?” Her eyes averted a bit lower, her eyebrows furrowed. You hadn’t noticed what you were doing with your hands, but you did have this nervous tick of holding onto people. You may not have noticed that you grabbed Lukas’ hand, but the two of them did. He didn’t stop you, though, just merely wrapped his fingers around yours like it was nothing, like you intended on doing it when you didn’t.

“Dad had me working as the liaison, it’s been… it’s been fun, honestly.”

“Can I ask who this is?” She had seemed interested in the campaign, but she now seemed more interested in Lukas. In why you were holding his hand, and why you seemed to be standing around so awkwardly with him.

“This is Lukas, he’s buying Waystar.”

“Oh, right, yes.” That didn’t answer her question, though, and you weren’t sure what else to tell her. “But what is he to you, exactly?”

“He’s my- we’re- uh-” You glanced over at him, not quite sure what to say. You didn’t want to assume anything, and you didn’t really know what to assume. You had no idea what the actual status of your relationship is, so you aren’t sure what you can say without overstepping. “It’s complicated.”

“Very complicated.”

She nodded, glancing toward your siblings before looking back at the two of you. “How much older than you is he?”

“Jesus, mom, it’s doesn’t matter, we’re fine. It’s fine.”

“Do people know?”

“I’ve been told that they do- why didn’t dad tell you?” You responded, entirely confused why your father would keep the relationship that he’s been trying to keep out of the press (unsuccessfully, apparently) from your own mother.

“Maybe he believed you would tell me.”

“I guess.” You said, but the awkwardness was a bit too much. She bid you a farewell, something about needing to go find Peter before he ended up getting lost in conversation with someone that he shouldn’t be talking to. You felt… uncomfortable. You never really spoke much to your mother, and she never really spoke much to you. Having a conversation with her always just reminded you that she was never like a normal mother, she never treated you how she probably should have, and it was always so disheartening to realize that. To come to terms with the fact that you may still have one living parent, but that she never really enjoyed speaking with you. “That was the most interested in me that she’s ever been.”

As you turned back to face Lukas, you realized that your hand was being lightly pulled by your movements. Glancing down, you noticed your mistake. “That was what interested looks like for her?”

“Yeah- uh, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry, I just like sexually harassed you at a funeral I-”

“It’s fine-”

“It’s not fine, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t- fuck I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry that you had to speak with my mother and it was- it wasn’t fun, it’s never fun-”

“Calm down, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, nothing is fine. You should be so fucking pissed at me, I’m so sorry-”

“You didn’t ask her to come over, why should I be-”

“Not about my mom, about-” Maybe this wasn’t a good place to discuss any of this, but nobody was really paying any attention to you. Eventually, you broke your hand free from his, but he seemed rather surprised about everything going on so it wasn’t very difficult. You didn’t notice that you had started to cry, not really, you were so used to crying at this point. “Fucking- Tom, I did- I did something bad.”

“I know, Greg told me.”

“What the fuck do you mean Greg told you?”

“Greg told me after the party.” That was why he hadn’t been messaging you as much, he knew that you were a shitty person.

“You shou- I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you deserve better than me, fucking- I have to-”

“Wait.” He grabbed onto your wrist, not hard enough to actually do anything to hurt you, but firm enough that he had your attention. “I’m- I’m not happy about it, I think it’s shitty and petty and if you had to fuck anyone else it should have at least been your friend the president.”

“I’m sorry. It was a mistake, I’m not making excuses for it. I understand, you know, I fucked up. I’m just like my fucking dad.” He could never keep it in his pants, he was sleeping around all the time and that was why Marcia wasn’t in any of your lives toward the end.

Lukas, however, seemed oddly calm about it. “You stopped it, didn’t you?”

“Why would Greg know that?”

“Shiv did, you told Shiv.”

“I mean, yeah, I stopped it. I didn’t fuck him, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to, I don’t know, I wasn’t… I just- I’m sorry.”

“I know, and you should be sorry.” He admitted, but he didn’t seem to be saying it in a way that was supposed to hurt you. “I shouldn’t have let people think I fucked your sister, we both fucked up.”

“We did. But I fucked up worse.”

“At lease yours was private-”

“And Tom’s a fucking asshole, I’m gonna smack him.”

“I’ll smack him too.”

“He did that shit while my sister was pregnant, do you know how fucked up you have to be to do that?” You responded, almost getting comfortable in this whole apologizing to each other thing before you felt someone behind you. Turning around, saw Kendall look between the two of you.

“Your presence is being requested.”

“By who?”

“Roman, I don’t know why.”

“Right.” You turned back to look at Lukas, “I’ll talk to you later? Right? We can… we can discuss this more.”

“Yeah, see you.” You followed Kendall over to where Roman was, but felt him grabbing onto your hand and pulling you somewhere more secluded. You weren’t quite sure what it was that Kendall wanted from you, but he didn’t look to be in his right mind. He also looked incredibly concerned, and you wondered if you had been a bit louder with your crying fit than you intended upon being.

“Why was he making you cry?”

“I was making myself cry, I guess.” You responded, letting him wipe your cheeks off once you were in the corner of the room.”I’m fine, Ken. What did Roman want?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t think you would come with me if I said I was worried about you.” Right. Of course. Why was everyone so worried about your conversations with Lukas all of the time? He was your boyfriend, and you could work out your issues with him. Or, you wanted to believe that you could. Maybe you could. At the very least, you needed to speak about them if you wanted to feel okay. “I was also wondering if you could introduce me to your friend.”

“My- Oh. I don’t really feel like right now is a good time for networking, he hasn’t even talked to me.” Not entirely true, he has talked to you briefly over text but a text with him isn’t a real conversation and you couldn’t be too sure how that was going to help Kendall. “What do you want from him?”

“I just want to talk about the company going forward.”

“Right, later, I can- later, once this whole thing is over.”

“Thanks.” You let him pat you on the shoulder, getting the eerie feeling that he really only pulled you aside because he wanted to ask about the President-Elect and not because he was very worried about you. Sometimes it was like that with Kendall, sometimes he was genuinely concerned for your well being. You never knew which version of him that you were going to get, but you should have come to expect this cold version of him that you’ve been seeing a lot more of recently. Maybe this was just how he was coping. You couldn’t be sure, but what you could be sure of was that you were alone again, and you really didn’t want to be alone with your thoughts.

Stepping outside of that corner meant facing the people in the room again, the people who were looking at you, looking at everyone in the family. It felt like people somehow felt sympathetic, and like they could jump on you all at any chance, at the same time. You were tired of the way that people looked at all of you, like you couldn’t survive without your father, but like that vulnerability made you an easy target. But weren’t you an easy target?

All you really wanted was for someone to be there for you, for someone to give you a hug or something. But Roman had been trying to work from the moment he stepped inside this church, Kendall was being cold and aloof again (though considering that his children weren’t going to be attending the funeral, you weren’t surprised that he wasn’t very happy) and Shiv was off doing work as well. Connor and Greg you just couldn’t find, and considering that Greg had gone around snitching about your moment of weakness with Tom, you weren’t exactly very happy with him right now.

There weren’t very many people you could speak to, there was nobody really to give you any comfort, and the best you could do was start making your way to your seat. That was, until you were stopped once again.

“How much crying should we anticipate?” You turned to glance at Mencken, who you hadn’t noticed was anywhere near you until he was right beside you. “It’s okay to cry, you’re a woman.”

“God you’re such an asshole.” You could insult him, but you were still smiling. It was nice to have a friend, even if he wasn’t a particularly good person and you didn’t agree with him morally on anything. You were rich enough, and powerful enough, that nothing terrible that came out of his mouth really effected you. So it didn’t matter if you didn’t agree with him, all that mattered was that he was somewhat nice to you in a mean but friendly way. “It’s my dad’s funeral, of course I’m going to cry.”

“I could’ve sworn I saw you crying earlier.”

“That was about something different. Ken wants to speak to you, by the way.”

“Of course he does.” He didn’t seem very interested in having a conversation with your brother, he never really seemed to like him very much. But you were sure that everyone wanted to have a conversation with him right now, so you wouldn’t be very surprised to hear that he just didn’t really want to speak with anyone. Well, you wouldn’t be surprised had he not approached you to speak.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, you’re going to anyway.”

“Are we still friends?” An odd, clingy question to ask someone that you didn’t even want to support to begin with. But you didn’t have very many friends. Between Tabitha and Roman’s break up making your friendship with her very awkward, and your father wanting all of you to cut off Kendall so you couldn’t be overly friendly with Naomi anymore, to Tom taking advantage of your weakness to try and stay in the family, you were coming short when it came to having friends. “You know, since we’re not working together anymore.”

“How sweet.” You rolled your eyes as his comment, but didn’t move from your spot, you didn’t mind having this conversation, you wanted to have some conversation that was going to be distracting for you. “Yeah, why wouldn’t we still be friends?”

Were you going to stand there and tell this man that you were worried that people only hung out with you when they could get something out of you, and that the moment he no longer needed you around you doubted that he would want anything to do with you? Absolutely not, instead you were going to shrug and wonder how this day was going to go. “I don’t know, I never really know what’s going through my head.”

“Are you going to give a speech?”

“Like… a eulogy? No, not unless Roman tremendously fucks up somehow and someone else has to go up there and speak for him.” You knew that it was a possibility that Roman would fuck up. He seemed confident when he was rehearsing with you, but that confidence was just in front of you. It wasn’t in the same room as his father’s corpse, and it wasn’t with hundreds of people watching him and waiting for him to mess up somehow. If he were to crash and burn, it was going to be on that podium and you knew that you were one of the people that was going to need to be there to pick up the pieces in the event of that happening. Still, you would rather not give a speech.

Whatever he had opened his mouth to say didn’t really matter, because you could see the car pulling up outside. The coffin was here, and you were going to have to be outside to bring it in. “Break a leg.”

“Go fuck yourself.” The rude comments were all in jest, but you probably shouldn’t be speaking that way in a church from the dirty look that you got from someone nearby. Of course, that dirty look faded away when they realized who you were, but that was how it always was. People could hate the way that you acted, they could hate you as a person and think that you’re the absolute worst, but once they realized that you were a Roy, that all went out the window. You wondered if that protection was going to fade away after today, after everyone fully came to terms with the fact that your titan of a father was never going to come back. That what he had left were a few broken children who didn’t know what to do with themselves anymore.

Heading outside, you met up with Kendall and Shiv. You would be taking the back of the line between your two siblings, though you were surprised to see Tom being filled in for with Greg. You really shouldn’t be, he hadn’t been making very much effort to be there for the family since the airplane incident. It was like his brain was shattering under pressure, but that didn’t make you any less annoyed that he would leave your pregnant sister to fend for herself at her father’s funeral.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” You mumbled, Kendall turning back to look at you. They were bringing the coffin out of the car, and you were going to have to walk in with it. “I can’t do this, I don’t think- I have to leave.”

“You’ll be okay, we’ll be here with you.” Shiv looked more concerned than Kendall was, reaching out to place a hand on your shoulder as she spoke. You hadn’t had to see the body. Roman had, Connor had sent pictures of it to him. He had seen it, but you had not. There was a part of your brain that just wasn’t accepting that he was gone, that part of your brain that was making you see everything in this hazy, fog-covered state because you didn’t want to accept what was actually wrong. Because you didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that he was dead. But now here you were, walking the coffin containing your father into the church where people would be memorializing him.

“I can’t-”

“You can, you have to.” You did have to, what would it look like if you flaked on commemorating your father because you felt like you couldn’t handle it. You reached up to pat her hand, nodding as you stabilized your breathing. With that hitch of out the way, everyone took their formation with the coffin. You didn’t know how this was going to work, if you were going to be okay with this, but you couldn’t choose right now to allow your emotions to get the better of you. You needed to do this, because you would never forgive yourself if you didn’t.

It felt like the entire world was looking at all of you, but it was just a room full of people. A room full of people, and reporters outside who had more than likely witnessed your mini-nervous breakdown outside. There was nothing that you could do about it, nothing that you could do to stop the way that it felt like you had more pressure applied on you to be strong. But you couldn’t be strong, and you couldn’t fully help yourself from allowing a tear to fall from your eyes, despite the way that you tried to hold it in. Your vision had become blurry, but you needed to fight it off.

Eventually, you made it to the front of the room, and you were free to sit down with your siblings now. You were seated in between Kendall and Roman, but you didn’t make an effort to stop Ewan from speaking like the rest of them did. You never got to spend very much time with Ewan, none of you ever really got to see him because he didn’t like being around his brother very much. Despite nobody else wanting him to speak, more than likely because it would turn into something political and because Roman was supposed to be the one up there, you wanted to know what he had to say. He was the only person there with insight into what your father’s childhood was like, so you remained seated in the hopes that you could get to know him just a little bit more after his death.

As Ewan begins his eulogy, you find yourself remaining mainly silent. You do, however, reach over Roman to take Connor’s hand. He was warmer, and more comforting, than anyone else was being right now. He had always been a bit more genuine than your siblings, even though he had his issues just the same. You needed the comfort, because something in the way that Ewan was speaking broke you a bit. You never knew about Rose, and you never really knew about the horrible things that your father had to go through to make it into this country.

He had said some things, certain things about not having a bathroom and living in the worst conditions imaginable because that was just how life was for him. But you didn’t really know much about it, he never talked very much about his past. Maybe he was ashamed of it, maybe it was something else. But listening to the way Ewan spoke, the way that he detailed everything that you believed that you would never get to know, made you wish that you could do everything all over again. You wanted to ask about these things, to know about these things, because everything he was saying was making you look at your father in a different light.

Growing up, you had never seen him as anything more than your father, but not in the same way that other people saw their parents. Your father was powerful and important, and for the longest time it felt like he was incapable of taking a hit, let alone dying. Now you were hearing more than what you knew growing up. You knew that his uncle was tough on him, but you never knew how tough. You knew that Rose was a tricky subject for him, but you never knew how tricky. Thinking about how young she had been when she died, how he blamed himself, made you reconsider the nature of your relationship with him, how differently he treated yourself and Shiv as opposed to your older brothers.

He was still himself, but it always felt like he was more patient with the two of you. When he smiled at either of you, he always looked more proud than he did when he looked at someone like Kendall. Growing up, people just assumed that this was him playing favorites - but with both girls? Knowing that he had such a tumultuous childhood, that he lost his baby sister when she was young, when he was barely old enough to process it, made you want nothing more to have had time to talk to him about Rose. To fully understand why he was more protective over his daughters than he was over his sons. Now, all you could do was retroactively learn some trivia about him and try to put the pieces together yourself.

It was difficult to sit there quietly, to not allow yourself to break down at the memories of your father that you didn’t really have, the memories that belonged to your uncle who you never got to see. You had never really been able to see your father as a child in your head, but now the thoughts wouldn’t leave you. It took everything to not glance over at the coffin, because you knew if you really took a look at it something in you would snap. Confronting your genuine anguish about the death of your father was something that you had been avoiding for days, and now you were coming face to face with more stories about him that you had ever heard before. With the reminder that he wasn’t just Logan Roy, titan of conservative media and one of the most wealthy men in the country, but a human being, with human problems, and emotions that you hadn’t really considered before.

By the time Ewan came down from the podium, you weren’t sure that you could remain calm for Roman to speak, but you needed to try. You removed your hand from Connor’s to allow Roman room to stand up, watching him walk up to the podium. From the moment he started walking, you knew there was something off about him. You had been with him for hours, you had watched him rehearse, watched him pace around his apartment like he knew exactly what he was going to say, and how he was going to say it. That confidence was palpable, but right now, it was very clear that he didn’t have any of it.

Leaning forward, you watched as he went up to the podium where your uncle just was. Ewan walked up there knowing what he wanted to say, with grace and dignity and a message to give to people. Sure, some of what he said was political, but you wouldn’t expect anything different from him, especially since he was standing in the same room as the next President. But he had been sure of himself when he did it, and Roman looked like he was beginning to fumble as he went up there to speak. Maybe he just had stage fright, maybe he was going to be okay and push through because he just needed to get over his fear of speaking in front of so many people. It was, technically, always Kendall that was good at addressing crowds, maybe Roman just wasn’t used to it.

As the moments passed, and he seemed to be getting worse up there, it became increasingly clear that it was a little more than just some simple stage fright. Once he called all of you up to see him you knew that something had gone wrong. He looked like he was having a nervous breakdown, not too dissimilar from the one that you had been having outside. But his seemed worse, he looked like he was ready to run out of the church screaming and never come back. He looked like he was about to start sobbing and crying, and once you got up to him it was incredibly clear that he didn’t just look like that. He was a wreck, and just like that, that facade of pre-grieving that he had been putting up since the day after the death of your father was coming down.

You embraced him with the rest of your siblings, trying your best to comfort him though you knew that if he was breaking down like this, you weren’t going to make it much longer. That was always part of the issue with yourself and Roman. Your father would blame everything that he did wrong on you, not because he thought it was your fault, but because everyone just kind of assumed that it was both of you. Part of that was your fault, since you took responsibility for his mistakes as a child because you knew that you wouldn’t be physically hurt for them, where Roman would be. But it wasn’t too far from the truth. You clung to each other because you were too much like each other when it came to how horribly your emotions would hit you at any given moment. If something like this was happening to Roman, who had been covering up his feelings just like you had been all week, you were positive that you weren’t going to make it through the rest of this funeral without a breakdown.

But that didn’t matter right now. If you were going to have a breakdown, then that was what was going to happen. But for now, you need to be worried about Roman. Roman, who is currently crying his eyes out in front of hundreds of people because he’s finally come to terms with what’s happened. Roman, who can no longer give the speech that he’s been planning and had written down on his flashcards. Nothing in your mind mattered as you looked at him, because he just looked like a scared child, and all you could think about was how often you would find him just like this alone in his room. Crying, bruised, and you never understood what any of it meant. You knew what it meant now, and you would be there for him just like you were back then.

Kendall took the podium as you all helped Roman get back to his seat, sliding in beside him. It took all of two seconds for him place his shaking hand in yours, your fingers wrapping tightly around him as you tried your best to get a read on him. He looked humiliated and broken, empty a bit, and seemingly still wanting to cry. You hated seeing him like this, and you wished that there was more that you could do for him than just be quiet and try to not talk to him about what was going on. Kendall was always a good speaker, and you were sure that he was doing great, but you couldn’t focus on any of that right now. All you could do was try to figure out if your other brother was going to be okay.

It wasn’t awfully surprising that something like this happened to Roman, but seeing it still broke you a bit. It broke you to see him being so miserable, and it made you wonder if you were worried about the wrong brother. Kendall had tried to kill himself before, you were pretty sure that he had considered it more than once. For months, you couldn’t get the image of him face down in that pool out of your head, and it was something that you hadn’t stopped worrying about since. But Roman was different. Roman liked to put up this confident front that sold the idea that he was happy when he wasn’t, that made him joke around and laugh everything off when he was very clearly struggling with it. Though you knew that he had it rough, and you often wondered if he had it worse than any of you did, you had never considered the possibility of him not wanting to be alive. What if he didn’t? What if he was just never going to recover from this? You couldn’t think like that, you shouldn’t. But there was nothing that you could do to stop the thoughts from infiltrating your mind.

Leaning a little bit closer to him, you felt his shoulder press further into yours, like he wanted a hug but he couldn’t have one because he didn’t want to further humiliate himself in front of everyone. As much as you wanted to reach over to him, to try and help him out, you couldn’t. You knew that people were watching you, people were watching all of you today, and it would make both of you look like children if you were clinging onto each other in the church pews because you were sad about your father. The best you could do was try to watch out for him, to make sure that he didn’t say or do anything that would make things worse for him. You hated the idea of your brother being so sad, but he had been rejecting his feelings all week long, it made sense that they were pouring out in the manner that they were.

As much as you hated to be thinking about it right now, you knew that the fact that people had seen his breakdown was going to make him feel far worse later because it could have the potential to effect the board meeting. If people know that the Roy children in charge aren’t exactly emotionally sound, if they view them as children, people might not want to vote for you. Kendall was doing a good job up there, but that did very little to help Roman. If this plan he has with Kendall falls through, he’s going to blame himself, he’s going to hate himself. Maybe you should consider the fact that your only worry was about Roman’s reaction to the deal falling through, and not how it would make you feel. But you don’t really know how it would make you feel anymore, nothing was making sense how it had been before. But when was the last time that anything made sense to you?

Nothing had made sense from the moment that you got on that jet with your father, and it had progressively gotten worse. You didn’t want to think about what any of it said about you. That for some reason one of your only friends was a fascist President-Elect with an evil smile who was twice your age, or that you had helped to get him elected because you were angry (and through a bit of good, old-fashioned, nepotism, because would you really have considered it had you not been friends?). What did it say about you that you were profusely apologizing to someone who you weren’t sure if you were still in a relationship with at a funeral, and still not knowing if you were in a relationship with him? Nothing made sense, but what could you do about it? Maybe something, maybe nothing, at this point, you just aren’t sure.

You didn’t have much more time to think about it, because Kendall was coming down from the podium and you were standing up. Roman had a grip on your hand, but once you glanced toward the microphone he let you go. Passing by Kendall, you felt him grabbing onto your shoulder, stopping you before you made your way up there. He was silent, but his eyes begged the question that you were so used to him asking you: Whether or not you were going to be alright. Giving him a nod, he let you go as you made your way up there.

Scanning the crowd was more fear inducing than you believed that it was going to be. Looking at people in your family, people who you used to work with, the Swedish man who may or may not still be your boyfriend looking at you with concern while the fascist you befriended looked surprised that you went up there to begin with. Nobody who knew you in any capacity believed that you were going to speak today. You insisted that it would be a terrible idea, that you were going to humiliate yourself and destroy your reputation, but you couldn’t help it. You had seen your father in a different light, and you just couldn’t forgive yourself if you didn’t speak about him.

“I didn’t prepare a speech, so I’m sorry for that.” You started off, glancing around the room before finally settling on the coffin. It felt like a good place to look, because you weren’t up here so you could tell people about your father. You were up here because you wanted one last chance to say goodbye to him. “When I was a kid, I always thought my dad was too protective over me. He took me to self-defense classes, refused to let me out of the house after seven even with the company of my brothers. But one protection that he gave me, that I always really cherished, was him teaching me how to shoot.”

Most people knew that your father had you learn how to shoot, and most people had seen the ad campaign that he released with videos of him teaching a child-version of you how to shoot at one point or another. He may have used that to champion for second-amendment rights, but that didn’t make it any less special to you.

“I never got to spend a lot of time alone with him, to know that he actually loved me.” After days of convincing yourself that love doesn’t actually exist, the admission that you really just wanted to know that your father loved you should have been the first sign to your brain that you were going to break before you got off of this podium, but you kept going. “When we went shooting it was almost always just us, and he always looked so proud of me when I hit the target or brought the animal home. I guess I just wanted him to be proud of me, that was all I ever wanted. It was why I joined the company, why I- I shut my brother out last year because of my dad.”

Kendall’s eyes connected with yours as you spoke about him, an apology for something that neither of you had ever really spoken about before.

“For as long as I could remember, all I wanted was to be in the company. I’d follow dad around, sneak into his trunk, force him to bring me to work with him only for him to just send me to hang out with Kendall all day because he didn’t want to deal with me. I didn’t do it all because every seven year old girl loves stocks, I did it because I loved my dad.”

It felt strange, speaking like this in front of everyone. You were mainly venting. Venting about things that you had been thinking, but didn’t think that you were ever going to be strong enough to say out loud. Things that you had been thinking for years, that had been weighing on your conscious from the moment that you realized why you really wanted to be in the company. You hadn’t accepted why, that it had nothing to do with the industry and everything to do with your father.

“I built everything, my entire world, around my father. And I don’t know what to do without him here.” You knew you were starting to break now, but there was nothing that you could do about that. You glanced toward Lukas, but he could see that broken look in your face, and his empathy only reminded you how terrible you had been. It was never on him. It was on you, you were projecting your feelings toward your father onto him, and now you realized that. Now that haze was starting to lift, and now you felt like breaking down. “I feel so- so empty without him, and I’ve been so horrible.”

The tears had started making their way out before you spoke again, but your words were being cut off with breaks and sobs. You weren’t handling this any better than Roman had. Sure, you had started off a little stronger, but you were devolving into the same state of despair that he had been in.

“I’ve hurt people, I’ve hurt people I love, people who love me, and I’ve done terrible things. I- I was-” You were starting to lose it, your composure was completely slipping and you could see Shiv and Kendall starting to lean forward a bit. But you needed to keep speaking, you couldn’t leave this church without telling everyone what you had to say. “I was on the plane, when he died. I told him I loved him, and I think he heard me? But then my- It was like my world started crumbling down around me. Like I’m just crushed under the rubble of his presence, of his life. And I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know what the point- the point of anything is. I feel so lost.”

Your eyes landed on the coffin again, knowing that your father was in there, that he was going to remain in that box for the rest of his life. Everything you said was interrupted by sobs, and you were just growing worse about it with every passing moment. But you weren’t finished, and you needed to finish speaking.

“My dad wasn’t perfect, and he wasn’t even nice half of the time. But he- he was important to me, and I think he did love us even if he didn’t show it very well. And I’m sorry- I’m sorry that I didn’t know what happened with Rose until today, and that our last few months were spent arguing about my love life.” Was now not as good a time as any to openly admit that you were in a relationship? Everyone already knew, so what difference did it make? “And I’m sorry for making you all listen to me sob, I’m gonna get off of the microphone before my brother tackles me.”

You could see Kendall starting to get up from his seat as you moved down, connecting eyes with Lukas for a final time before you sat down. He looked… surprised, his eyes were softer than you had seen them before. You weren’t sure if he was going to be okay with you telling everyone, coming clean without fully coming clean. But he seemed okay with it. That, however, didn’t bring you any comfort as you accepted Kendall’s open arms and cried into his shoulder as you sat down.

Kendall had always been the one tasked with taking care of you. Whether it be when you came into the office and were sent to be with him, or when you were crying and your parents didn’t want to deal with you so they sent you to Kendall. He knew when you needed help, and though he was cold when it came to business and he had been using his eulogy as a bit of a business opportunity, he didn’t take any pleasure in seeing one of his younger sisters crying. It was almost second nature for him to take care of you, so he didn’t have any trouble in rubbing his hand over your back and letting you muffle your cries into his suit until you calmed down.

Eventually, once you heard your sister speaking, you remembered where you were and pulled back. Kendall, for the second time, cleaned the tears off of your cheeks. This, more than anything, made you feel like a child again. Your parents hated it when any of you cried, and Kendall was the one that had to clean you up when you were too inconsolable to do it. You felt like a child sitting there while he dried your tears, but it made you feel comforted that he still cared enough to do it. To try and save you some dignity, though you knew that you had more than likely lost a lot of respect with how you cried up there. You were sure that the sentiment that Mencken had shared with you about women crying all the time was shared with a lot of people in here, so while you might have some grace over your emotional breakdown, Roman would not.

You were worried for him, you were worried that he was going to feel bad about everything that happened. Worried that he was going to feel like showing his emotions was a mistake, worried that he was going to hate himself because he made one single slip-up. You had seen the worst of Roman. Whether that be him being so incredibly angry that he says or does things that make you want to hate him, or him being so sad that you wondered if he even wanted to be alive. You knew his lowest points, and you knew that this could end up being one of them. As worried as you were for him, you needed to focus on yourself right now, because your brain was beginning to swirl as you pulled away from Kendall, resting your head on his shoulder as you tried to focus on your sister.

It felt like all of those thoughts that you had been fighting back were finally coming out, and there was nothing that you could do to stop them. Had you chosen to be more self-aware, you would have known that this was coming, that you weren’t going to make it the entire day without having some kind of emotional breakdown. The floodgates were opened, and you couldn’t stop the thoughts from pouring in. The acceptance that your father was dead, that he was never going to come back, that you were just going to have to deal with the fact that he didn’t say goodbye to you or any of your other siblings because he couldn’t speak in those last moments. The guilt of knowing that you were the only one to get to see him in his last moments, to hold his hand and tell him that you loved him. Because despite the many mistakes that your father made, and despite the fact that he could be the most cruel, unloving person that you had ever known, you did love him.

But it wasn’t just the thoughts of your father flooding your brain, the knowledge that he was gone. It was everything. Every single thing that you had been pushing aside all week was coming into your mind, and you weren’t sure if you could stop it. In fact, you were probably more sure that you couldn’t stop it. There was nothing that was going to change what happened. Nothing that was going to change the fact that you had looked Lukas directly in the face and told him that you didn’t believe that he loved you. Nothing would take away the guilt of everything that happened in that office with Tom, but another part of you felt slightly violated that he had allowed you to do anything to begin with when you were clearly sleep deprived, manic, and depressed. Nothing was going to change the way that you had refused to speak on stage when you knew you were supposed to, or that you had made a fool of yourself in front of people that you worked with at a party.

There wasn’t one single regret that wasn’t flooding into your mind right now, and you felt like you were going to have to go on a press tour to apologize for everything that you had done. Everything that you had done to the people in your life, to the people who had seen you at your worst moments without really expecting it. How could you even explain to Greg that you didn’t actually have any interest in doing cocaine, and that you just weren’t in your right mind? Would it be better to tell Kendall upfront that you had told Lukas that nobody loved you (specifically Kendall, didn’t love you), or would it be better to just keep that fleeting thought to yourself? Because it was true that Kendall could be so business-oriented that he could completely ice out his siblings and make you feel like he didn’t like you, but that didn’t mean that when it came to your actual relationships with him that he didn’t love you. Because he did, he was just always more focused on business. The same way that your father was which… it wouldn’t be good if he became too much like your father, but from the way that things were going with his children and Rava, you were beginning to worry that he was already too much like your father.

But the one thing that really struck you, the one thing that you never really thought that you would be considering, was that you just weren’t sure if you wanted to remain in the business. You had wanted to be in Waystar your entire life. There was nothing that you had wanted more than to be in the company, to make your father proud. But your father was dead, and the company was no longer going to belong to him in the coming days - technically, it already didn’t belong to him, since he had no control over it from his coffin. Had you ever really wanted to be in the company, or did you just believe that making a name for yourself within Waystar was the only way to gain the love of your father that you so desperately craved?

For the first time in your life, you truly felt like you had no where to go. You didn’t know what it was that you wanted, and you had spent your entire life fighting to keep this company that you were now no longer sure that you wanted to be a part of. Whether or not it remained under Roy control, you didn’t know if you had any interest in continuing to work there. Maybe you did. Maybe you had a love for this work that you didn’t understand yet, and you would feel empty if you were to not have it in your life. But maybe you would be able to fill it with something else. You weren’t sure, you couldn’t be sure what the answer was because your brain is too muddled to really think coherently about anything right now. There’s so much going on, that you couldn’t make up your mind on anything. It was just too messy. Trying to figure something so serious out right now was like trying to untangle a bundle of Christmas lights, and you weren’t too sure if you wanted to do that while you were sitting feet away from a coffin containing the corpse of your father.

Instead of trying to decipher some thoughts in your brain, you opted to focus on Shiv instead. She was the one that knew what it was like to grow up in that household as a woman, the one who had the relationship with your father that was more akin to the one that you had. You enjoyed listening to what she had to say, but you couldn’t claim that it didn’t make you feel worse about everything. Knowing that all of you were mourning, that all you really could do was cope with the loss and hope for the best, didn’t make you feel any better. Hearing your siblings upset and on the verge of tears, didn’t bring you any comfort. It just made you realize how lost all of you were, even if you sometimes felt lost even with your father around.

Maybe it was wrong that you continued to fight amongst each other after everything that happened. Maybe it was wrong that you weren’t all just trying to support each other, and that once Shiv came down off of that podium she would be surrounded by the people that she had been fighting with the night before. It didn’t make you feel good to not get along with your siblings, it made you feel rather bad on a good day, but now? This was different.

But these thoughts also didn’t soothe you, they made everything much, much worse. This company was tearing your family apart, and it always had been. It was worse now that your father wasn’t around, maybe it was for the better that you didn’t retain control over it, but then what would happen to Kendall? All he ever wanted was to be in control, so how would it make him feel to have that taken away from him? You wanted to pretend that you knew how the coming days were going to go, that you were going to be okay. But you didn’t know anything, the only thing you knew was that you had nothing to prepare you for what was to come. That thought terrified you, especially as your sister came down from the podium and you knew that the next step was going to be to go to the gravesite. To lay your father in his final resting place. To truly understand that you were never going to see him again.

It was difficult to watch all of this happening, difficult to stand up and try not to say anything about Roman breaking down beside you again. Though you were unclear about what you were supposed to do now, you were exceptionally worried about what all of this meant for him. But you needed to worry about yourself, too. You hardly noticed the way that the tears streamed down your cheeks, the way that yourself and Roman made it very clear to everyone in the room that you were far too sensitive for all of this.

As you walked out of he church, you remained on the right side, your gaze to the ground until you felt a hand on your shoulder. You wanted to assume that it was one of your siblings, but you knew fully well that it wasn’t.

“I knew you would cry.”

“Wow, thanks.” You, normally, would play along when you were talking to Mencken. You made fun of each other, that was how your conversations went. He made fun of you for being a privileged nepotism baby, and you asked him if he was planning on starting the Fourth Reich when he got into office. But there was always something more to it, a friendship that you had never really had with anyone else because you had a helicopter parent that had to pre-approve everything you did, including who you befriended. Even working with this man came after a few weeks of him refusing to work with anyone else because they were either too Tom-like or didn’t know enough about politics.

He seemed to lose respect for your brother because he cried on the podium, but he had expressed to you that he expected you to cry because that was in your nature. And, Roman’s friendship with him was built entirely on business and what he could get out of him from said business. Yours was different, so you weren’t exceptionally shocked to feel him hug you - he’d hugged you last night, albeit that hug was far more casual and less sincere than this one. You, despite knowing that you needed to leave, hugged back. You really, desperately, needed a hug.

To be sure, hugging the crying young girl that had a lot of influence in the city in front of potential campaign donors was a good look and you were sure that Mencken knew that. Hell, if you were in a better frame of mind you would have told him that yourself. But he did seem to actually enjoy being friends with you, so you felt comforted by having someone to hug you, even if you were sure that you were going to be making fun of each other for this for weeks. If you were to make it through the coming weeks, who really knows what’s going to happen to you. Maybe you would become a hermit or something, maybe something would go so terribly wrong in your life that you would just never want to speak to anyone ever again. You highly doubted that, but that didn’t mean that you weren’t still worried about it becoming a possibility.

Pulling back, you glanced toward the door. You really didn’t want to go to the gravesite. You didn’t want to know where your father was going to be, to see the place that he was going to spend the rest of eternity and think about it every time you thought about him. Partially because you knew that the moment you did, it was done. The denial and the mania, everything that was protecting you from truly grieving was done and over with, and you weren’t sure if you were ready for that. Glancing back over at your older friend, you forced a tight-lipped smile onto your face.

“Thank you.”

“You didn’t get mascara on me did you?”

Glancing down at the white of his shirt you shook your head, you had been extra careful with your makeup today so it wouldn’t end up running.

“Good, you’re welcome. Talk to you later.”

“And Kendall, you’re talking to Kendall later too.”

“Yay.” He seemed truly, absolutely, unenthused to speak to your brother. But you couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t like it was going to be some fun conversation where they actually got to know each other as people. Kendall wanted to have the president in his pocket, more than likely because he wanted the position of CEO to himself. Mencken had congratulated him in front of you, he shook his hand and clearly gave him some sort of boost of confidence, but he was still going to want you to help him speak to the man. Kendall wanted to make sure that he could solidify himself in the company, he had no real interest in getting to know anybody for any other reason than that.

Breaking away, you made your way to the door. You grabbed the coat from the doorman, the coat that wasn’t yours, the one that smelled like your brother and had his initials embroidered in one of the inner pockets. The moment the crisp November air hit your face, you turned your head to the side to glance at Roman. He looked depressed, more depressed than you had ever seen him before. It made your heart hurt to see him like this, even if you weren’t feeling much better than he was right now. You reached out to grab his hand, Roman letting you bring him to the car that was going to take you all to the gravesite. He didn’t look much better walking, he looked like he had just been kicked multiple times and it didn’t seem to be getting any better no matter how many times you looked at him.

Being in that church, in front of all of those people, you knew that you were expected to keep quiet. You couldn’t ask Roman how he was doing, you couldn’t check on him. But even now, even being outside where you didn’t have the watchful gaze of the public on you, you didn’t feel like it would be right to ask him anything. Whether he would respond or he wouldn’t, you didn’t know. You opted to remain quiet as you got into the car, sliding in beside Roman this time instead of moving back to sit with Kendall.

Growing up, Roman had always been your closest friend. You were pretty sure he still was your closest friend at this point in your life, so you wanting to cling to him for emotional support made sense to everyone. It made sense to you. But the more you held onto him, the more you worried about him. He didn’t look well, he didn’t look like he was feeling anything even remotely okay behind his eyes. He looked like he wanted to lay down and die, and you knew that there was very little that you could do for him besides try to be there beside him through it.

You turned to look out of the window as the car began to move, closer friends and family following in their own cars behind. Even knowing that the burial was going to be more private than anything else had been, you didn’t feel more at ease about this entire thing. The fact that there even was going to be a time where your father was being put to rest didn’t sit well in your chest. Knowing that you were mere moments away from seeing him for the last time, but not really seeing him since he was in a wooden box, didn’t feel right. There was a part of you that still didn’t understand it. That couldn’t quite grasp that death was final, and that he was never going to come back. That part of you was making this all incredibly difficult for you to process, and it left you feeling like the only thing that you could possibly do it cry.

The ride to the graveyard was longer than you expected it to be, but considering that there were protests currently blocking the streets, you shouldn’t have been surprised by the length of time that it took to get there. It did, however, make you worried. It was November now, and the sun was setting earlier than it had been in the previous months. By the time you returned to where everyone else was it was going to be around sunset. Maybe that was for the better. People would leave around the time that it started to get dark, which meant that you would have more time to speak to Lukas about the things that you needed to speak to him about. But it also meant that you were going to be home sooner than you believed that you were going to be, and you really didn’t want to go home. You didn’t want to be alone with your thoughts, without anyone to comfort you and make you feel better about everything that’s happened. The idea of that was making you incredibly nervous, but there was nothing that you could do about it. Not right now, at least.

By the time you arrived at the graveyard, whatever drive that you had to speak had started to go away. You noted that Kendall, Shiv and Connor seemed to be doing a bit better than yourself and Roman, but that was to be expected. All three of them had been mourning the loss of your father all week, but you had been in denial about it and Roman had been in denial about his feelings toward it. Whether it was unconscious or not, you had chosen not to grieve until the loss was smacking you in the face and now you were feeling everything all at once.

Stepping out of the car, you followed Connor to the mausoleum that your father had planned for all of you. While you tried to follow closely behind, you kept your arm looped around Roman’s until you got to the door. He stopped, uninterested in going inside. While he chose to stay back and not confront this head-on, you went inside with your siblings.

The room was a bit plain, but not in a bad way. He wanted all of you to be here with him once he died, but he hadn’t told you about this. Never once had he spoken to you about having this ready. Sometimes you wondered if he even noticed that death was going to come someday, but since he had spent some time now trying to pick his successor, you knew that he must have thought about it a little bit.

“Why didn’t he ever mention any of this?” You asked, finally deciding to open your mouth to say something as you turned your head to glance at Connor.

“Probably because he didn’t like thinking about dying someday.” He responded, moving to stand closer to you as you looked around the room. You wondered what would happen if any of you had a few children, where they would be laid to rest since there wasn’t enough room in here. Kendall had two, Shiv had one on the way, what about the rest of you? Maybe he just didn’t consider that happening, since he could never manage to stay in a committed relationship himself. Maybe he knew that the odds of his most negative personality traits slipping into the minds and hearts of his children were high. But that just made you want to fight against it more, because you didn’t want your entire life to be defined by what your father expected of you.

“Who does?” You responded, but you knew that it was different for your father. He knew that he would die someday, that his company was going to go to someone. But you doubted that he knew that it was going to be on that plane, you doubted that he knew that it was going to be the day after his most lonely birthday. A part of you, a few days ago, wanted to blame Lukas for being the one to drag him out there and cause so much stress for him, but you knew that it was mainly just on your father. His health was deteriorating, and instead of allowing someone else to take over the company when he had the chance, he drug it out and put all of you through the ringer. Knowing that hurt, but it was better than still being in denial about everything.

Following your siblings out to take your seat, you picked the chair in between Connor and Roman. Roman still looked worse for wear, but you doubted that you looked much better. He didn’t look like he was able to handle this, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. But he was still there, and he was still trying to handle it, because you were sure that he understood the guilt that would be associated with skipping out on this.

The ceremony was difficult for any of you to watch. Knowing that this was it, that you were on your own now, brought you a lot of stress. But something about it felt like there was a weight lifting off of you, a weight that you had been carrying with you from the moment that you stepped into that airplane bathroom. For days now you couldn’t see anything clearly, all you wanted was to be distracted, and when that distraction was taken away from you because of your own inability to comprehend a situation in a logical way, you lost your mind.

Realizing everything that had gone wrong, realizing that you weren’t some blameless victim in all of this, was difficult for you. You knew now that you owed a lot of apologies to a lot of different people, but mainly you just wanted to see Lukas. You had acknowledged in front of him, in front of everyone, that you knew that he loved you and that you had been foolish to pretend that he didn’t. All you really wanted was to have a conversation with him, to apologize for being so irrational, and to understand why he couldn’t have tried a little harder to reach out. Maybe he was just so focused on the acquisition that nothing else mattered, and maybe that was a personal fault that he was going to have to work out within himself. But maybe you were mainly to blame, maybe he knew that your mind wasn’t working properly. Maybe you shouldn’t have dodged his calls and texts because you were upset about something that you weren’t even sure happened.

As much as you wanted to focus on everything that was happening in front of you, it felt like everything in your mind was finally becoming clear and the only thing that you could do was think about it. Think about how poorly you had been treating people, about the childish tendencies that you had reverted to, about the rash decisions that you made when you knew that your biases meant that you should stay out of them. It felt like there wasn’t a single person that you hadn’t hurt in some way, but you had also been hurt by these people.

There needed to be a conversation with Shiv, an apology for the way that you had acted, for believing that she would lie to you about something that was clearly so serious to you. But you also needed to have a screaming match with her husband. You should never have gotten that close with him, but he should never have let you. Of course, you didn’t hate the man, you understood why he did what he did because all he really wanted was power. But you were growing so unbelievably exhausted of everyone using everyone else to get ahead. Everything felt messy and wrong and the only thing you could do was sit there with a million things running through your head.

Once people started clearing out, Roman made a rush to the car. After a moment of contemplation, you decided to follow him, you didn’t want to sit there quietly anymore, and you didn’t want him to have to be alone. He didn’t look like he wanted to talk, but you didn’t want to talk either. He allowed you to slip into the seat beside him, wrapping an arm around his neck and resting your head against him. His hand was pressed against your shoulder, because even if you were both incredibly upset, he never really rejected your affection. You weren’t sure if you wanted comfort, or if you were here because you knew that he needed it, but you knew that it felt nice to have someone who understood what you were feeling in some capacity.

“We’re not going to be okay, are we?” You asked, your voice incredibly quiet. You felt like you sounded like a child as you spoke, so worried and hopeless but in the same way that you would have been at the age of seven when your favorite VHS tape broke.

“I don’t know.” He knew what you meant. You may have a gun in your dresser drawer, but you would never hurt yourself. However, you had all built your entire life around your father. Your ambitions and your goals, your dreams and your career. This entire war that you were going through over the company had everything to do with wanting the approval and love of one man, one man who was no longer there to give that to you. Without that, you didn’t know who you were. You didn’t know what you were. You didn’t know if you were anything, or if you were nothing at all. “Probably not.”

“Are you- you- um-” You weren’t sure how to approach the subject, you weren’t sure what to say. You knew what you wanted to say, you knew that you wanted to make sure that his brain wasn’t going further than yours was. “I’ll never forget that day in Italy, with Ken in the pool. You won’t do that, will you?”

Roman seemed to freeze for a moment before holding you a little closer, fully accepting your embrace. But he didn’t promise anything, “I don’t think so.” That response didn’t give you very much hope, it just made you worry that everything was going to go more terribly wrong than it already had. You had lost your father, you were worried that if Kendall lost his position as CEO that he would lose his mind, and now the only thing that you were getting out of Roman in regards to the idea of losing him too was something that couldn’t even be classified as a yes or no answer.

“You’re my best friend, Roman. I just want you to know that.” It was a sad sentiment. You had one friend outside of your family and he was… well. He was who he was. Your best friend being your older brother said a lot more about you than you would want it to, but it spoke more to how you were raised than anything. Isolated, watched like a hawk because your father always wanted you to just be a perfect worker-bee. You were born and raised to become a part of Waystar, but that meant that interpersonal relationships could end up getting in the way of that. Every single flaw that your siblings had, he attempted to correct in what he was sure would be his final child. In doing so, you didn’t know who or what you were without your family, and you had never felt so lost and confused in your entire life.

“I know. I love you, and I’m sorry.”

Whatever he was sorry for, you weren’t sure. But you could wager a guess that he was sorry about not being able to be there for you right now. Or, he was sorry because he truly believed that he was nothing and that he was sorry that you cared about him to begin with. He seemed to hate himself right now, and while you were suffering mentally more than you would like to take into consideration, you were incredibly concerned for your brother. “I love you too.”

It was easier to ignore it, easier to not pry into why he would apologize for something like that. You didn’t want to do something to push him away, and pushing him to answer your questions about his mental health was going to do exactly that. You had so much to worry about right now, and you could not add the risk of inadvertently pushing Roman’s mental health over the edge into that.

The sound of the car door opening pulled you from your thoughts. It was getting later, and it was time to go back to where everyone else was going to be. That meant that you were going to have to introduce Kendall to Mencken, it meant that you were going to have to listen to people speaking about business. For the most part, you were excited and nervous because it meant that you could finally have a full conversation with Lukas. That everything that you had realized could be put on the table. Whether or not that was going to be a good thing, or that it meant that he was never going to speak to you again, you couldn’t be certain. But you would like to imagine that it was a good thing, all you really wanted right now was to make it all up to him because you knew that he deserved explanations at the very least.

Mainly, though, it felt like the only thing that was going to make you feel better right now was him. You had no idea how to express that, no idea how to communicate to him that nothing and nobody else could bring you the comfort that he could. But you had to try, all you could really do was try.

The ride back felt longer than the ride there, but that was to be expected. People had been preparing for the protests in the morning, blocking off streets for what was to come in the afternoon. But nightfall was soon to come, and people were going to be protesting up and down the streets all night long. The roads weren’t particularly safe to be on, especially since your face had been among the ones in the newspaper. None of you should really be out right now, but you had a security detail and you weren’t just going to go home because you were worried about getting a bag of piss thrown on you like your father had what felt like was an eternity ago.

It was growing darker, and less and less people were driving on the streets. You watched out of the windows as you grew closer to the venue, but you knew that this wasn’t just going to be a memorial. You weren’t just going to this place to pay your respects to your father, and neither were a majority of the people that were going to be there. So many people were going to turn this into some sort of networking event, and you were well aware that Kendall was going to be one of those people; that you were going to have to help him with it because you had told him that you could.

Earlier in the day, you would have been worried that Roman was going to do the same. That this was going to be nothing more than everyone getting together to discuss business rather than the death that had just befallen the family. Now, though, you doubted that he was going to be up for something like that. He might try to speak with Mencken, try to salvage whatever was left of that. But he might stay out of it completely. You really didn’t know what he was going to do, but you did know that you couldn’t see him reaching out to more than a few people tonight. He could barely reach out to his siblings, let alone people that he’s trying to work with.

Once you arrived, you got out of the car and waited for Kendall to emerge as well. “You said you wanted to meet Mencken?”

“Yes, thank you. I have to talk to Colin first.” An odd choice of person to speak to, but whatever floats his boat.

“What exactly do you want to talk to my friend about?”

“Your friend the President of the United States? Just normal stuff.”

“Don’t fuck with me right now, Ken. You’ll have an easier time speaking to him with me there.” You responded, walking inside of the building. You didn’t feel up to playing around right now, sure, it was odd that you were friends with the President but so was your father. He was sort of friends with the last President even though he kind of hated him, the only difference here was that your friendship was not particularly business-oriented and you did not hate your presidential friend (even though maybe you should).

He nodded, walking inside with you and breaking apart to speak with Colin. You eyed the beverage table and opted to grab a water. You could see Lukas off speaking to Oskar over by a table, but he was soon accompanied by your sister. You groaned and downed the rest of your water, waiting for Kendall to finish whatever it was that he needed to do with Colin so you could get your introductions done as quickly as possible. You really didn’t like the way this was turning out. The moment you walked inside all your siblings wanted to do was network, it seemed like yourself and Roman were the only ones being even remotely normal about any of this and actually coming here to mourn.

Pulling your phone out of your pocket, you read through the messages that you had yet to respond to. Mainly, it was just people that you worked with that weren’t at the funeral asking whether or not it was going to be safe to go outside tonight. There was one text that peaked your interest, however, one from Jess. You had gotten to know Jess throughout the years because she worked so closely with your brother, but you hadn’t anticipated seeing her thanking you for the time that you had been able to spend together.

Your eyebrows furrowed as you sent a response, asking if she had stopped working for your brother. In the heat of the moment, you hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t at the funeral. Everything was so distracting to you that you didn’t realize that she had up and left, when you knew that she planned on going to begin with. But as she sent a response, she let you know that she had decided to quit.

It made sense. Kendall was making a series of terrible and thoughtless choices that made even you wonder if there was a point in trying to stay close to him. If she wanted to leave, you understood that. But you didn’t understand why she would reach out to you in particular if she left because of the Mencken call last night since you had been one of the people to make it. She sent a second text, explaining that everything had just been building up over time and that she couldn’t take it anymore. Sending her a response, you apologized that he has been acting this way and let her know that you were worried that he was becoming too much like your father.

As Kendall made his way over to you, you wondered if you should broach the subject with him. It felt like it would be a better topic for a different day, though. Turning your phone screen off and sliding it into your pocket, you met Kendall in the middle and let him point out where Mencken was to you.

“Kendall, I’m being deathly serious right now. If you say or do anything that ruins one of the only friendships that I have I will never speak to you again.”

“I understand.” He did not understand. He knew that you would never actually stop speaking to him. If you intended on no longer speaking to him, you would have backed away from him a long time ago because he had continually done things that would push the average person away. But you didn’t want to stop speaking to him, you didn’t want to lose the connection that you had with him.

“Wait, wait.” He stopped and let you walk in front of him, your hands placed over his forearms as you held a serious look. He knew you well enough to see how vulnerable you looked right now, but you knew him well enough to see how driven he looked right now. You may not have been able to see his mania all week because you were both in the same boat, but you could see it loud and clear now. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

“That I’m okay?”

“Yeah, that you’re okay. That you’re… planning on making it to my next birthday.” Perhaps the most strange way that you could possibly ask your brother if he was planning on ending his own life, but he did soften a bit as he realized what you were asking. You never spoke about that day with him, you never told him that you were super worried once it was done and over. It felt too touchy, but now you were just worried about being left alone.

“I’ll be planning your next birthday.” He confirmed, a small smile on your lips as you nodded and turned around. You hated that you were just bringing your brother over to meet someone who clearly didn’t want to speak with him, but that was business after all.

“Jeryd, this is my brother. Have you met Kendall?”

“Briefly. It’s Jeryd now?”

“Sorry Mr. President, I meant no disrespect.” Kendall looked rather awkward standing between the two of you while you spoke, but you didn’t pay much mind to it. He was the one that wanted to meet up with him to begin with, so he was just going to have to deal with it.

“That’s fine, you seem pretty sensitive right now. Did you want to hold my hand again?”

“Hey-”

“Maybe later.” Kendall looked like he was about to murder the man for making fun of you before you played back, finally sending a glance to your brother. “I don’t know what KenKen wants to talk to you about, but he wants to talk to you.”

Kendall turned to glare at you for the nickname, but you only gave him a smile in response. Regardless of your (terrible) introduction, he went right to business. He was mainly interested in the deal, but Mencken didn’t seem as interested in it as he had previously led you all to believe. Well. Not you, particularly. Roman joined the three of you at the table, but the smile on his face didn’t seem to last when Mencken made fun of him for crying at the funeral. Something that he had not done to you. As you turned to look at him, you tried to apologize without saying anything for what was about to happen.

He looked like he would rather be anywhere else, and that only grew as Connor came over to speak about what he wanted from this. Covering your forehead with your hand, you leaned your elbow against the table and watched everyone in your family come over one by one to make a fool of themselves rather than try and hold a serious conversation. By the time Shiv came over, you were beginning to feel like the only sane one in the room.

While she made a mumbled comment about saving Mencken, he made a mumbled response about how you weren’t actually bothering him and asked if you could come too. You, of course, happily obliged and let him place his arm around you to guide you away from the table without the worry of one of your brothers (or your cousin) grabbing onto you and trying to come with you. Of course, you had not fully taken into account that you were going to be having a business conversation with Lukas and Shiv, and that Shiv looked less than pleased to have you over here for this conversation since you were one of the people who had been trying to kill the deal.

Of all of the ways that you wanted to speak with Lukas, standing beside the fascist President that you had befriended while he harassed him over a business deal and glared at his hand that was lightly placed around you was not how you envisioned or wanted it to go.

“Hi.” Was the only word out of your mouth as you focused on Lukas, who mumbled an equally awkward greeting back. But you weren’t over here so you could speak to him about what you wanted to speak to him about, you were going to have to continue to wait until you got him alone to do something like that. You were over here to watch him awkwardly fumble through conversation and interrupt an incredulous Mencken who looked at you like you were insane for dating the man to begin with because of how impolite he was being. Well, not so much impolite as he was being overzealous, and Shiv wasn’t doing much better.

“Can I make a suggestion?” He interrupted, the discussion of an American CEO had peaked his interest, but you didn’t like the way that he was looking at you. “We already have someone I work well with, at an upper level of the company, who happens to be an American with experience, right here.”

“Oh, um.” You could feel the way that your sister was glaring at you, the way that Lukas was looking at you like he had been anticipating this. “I really don’t think I want to be CEO. I don’t know if I really want to work there anymore, no matter what way the deal goes.”

“Why?”

“Because, I don’t know. I did all of this for my dad, and now my dad is dead and this whole disaster is making everyone hate each other.” You didn’t know what else to say, but it was easier to focus on the conversation that you were having with Mencken than it was to acknowledge that you were saying all of this to two other people. “I don’t know if I’m going to vote in that board meeting, either.”

“So you think your sister would be a good fit?” You turned back to look at her, but you knew why he was asking you this. He trusted you when it came to business, and you knew Shiv better than he or Lukas did. If you believed that she would be good for it, you believed that she would be good for it. The thing was, you didn’t.

“I love Shiv, but she has no experience.”

“Really-”

“Let her speak.”

“She has no experience in the company and she needs some of that before she can run it, you need someone with experience and that person cannot be me. It can’t be Roman because he’s too emotional, and it can’t be Kendall.”

“Why can’t it be Kendall?”

“Because,” You turned your head to glance at Kendall. You loved him, you loved him so much. But that was exactly why it couldn’t be him. “Because it’s not good for him. Because Lukas doesn’t like him, and they won’t work well together. Roman hates Lukas too, it just won’t be a good idea for any of us to take it.”

Nobody really knew what to say in response to that. After years of wondering which of your siblings was going to take control of the company, you had openly admitted to yourself and three other people that you didn’t believe it should be any of you. It wasn’t until someone on Mencken’s team came over to speak to him that the silence was broken. He needed to leave now, probably before it got too late and the people in the city made it too much of a risk for him to still be around. “Can you walk with me?” He asked, turning to look over at you as you nodded, walking with him to the door.

“Do you really not like it when I call you Jeryd?”

“You can call me whatever you want, I don’t care.” He responded, stepping into the elevator. “I want your advice on who to side with.”

“Oh.” You were entirely biased, and you didn’t anticipate ever talking business with him again. But you understood why he would ask. You were the closest person to him that understood the situation, and by all means it looked like you were fully taking your hat out of the ring. “Honestly? You’re going to face backlash no matter what you do. If you allow Waystar to be sold to a Swede your base is going to be upset that a foreign man is taking control of an American company even though my father wasn’t even American. It won’t be seen as American news, but Swedish news. Especially because he wants to make ATN a more moderate platform. Which will never work, by the way.”

“Right. So I should kill the deal?”

“No, no I didn’t say that either. You’re going to get backlash for that too.” You responded, stepping out of the elevator as it dinged to let you know that you were on the ground floor. It was dark now, the sun always set faster in November and you knew that it would. “We got you that win, everybody in that newsroom knows that you probably didn’t win Wisconsin, but we got that for you. If you do a favor for the people being blasted all over the news for helping you, you’re going to be under a lot of scrutiny and it could be brought to the Supreme Court. You could lose the Presidency over this.”

“So your professional opinion is…”

You hated to do this, after the entire week of fighting against it, you hated what was about to come out of your mouth. “Back Lukas. You’ll lessen the blow that you’re getting from media by showing that you have no loyalty for my family, which might make them loosen up and just let you keep the Presidency. He’s your best option. But like… do whatever you want, I’m not the boss of you.”

“I know, I trust your opinion.” You nodded, knowing that you had just said something that would absolutely make Kendall hate you if he found out. Knowing that you couldn’t be playing both sides like this, but you weren’t trying to play any side. Finally seeing things clearly meant that you could see the reality of this deal clearly, and you knew that if things were going to be smoothed over, he was going to have to go with Lukas.

“There’s still a board meeting in two days, Kendall might still win but you not being at the scene of the murder is what’s going to help.” You responded, not really thinking about the fact that you had just admitted that it was all for Kendall. Roman didn’t seem to want it anymore. Or, he did, but he didn’t. Deep down, he didn’t want it, his heart couldn’t take it. But he did want it in the worst way, and that wasn’t good for him either. Kendall would become sole CEO and push him out of the company on the basis of Roman’s emotional breakdown alone, if you chose to stay you would lose some respect but you being a woman gave you some grace when it came to crying in public.

“Were you serious about quitting?”

“I think so, I don’t think I can do it anymore. My siblings hate each other, sometimes I feel like I hate them, and this whole fuckery got my dad killed. Had he- had all of this not happened, maybe he would be fine. But he’s not, and that can’t be me.” You said, gauging his reaction as he watched you. The night air was cool against your skin, but the admission that you never thought you would make left you feeling like it was ninety degrees outside. This was a lot for you to say to anyone, but it was a lot for you to admit to yourself. You built your entire world, your entire life, around your father and Waystar Royco, admitting to yourself that you didn’t think you wanted it anymore was like admitting to yourself that you have no idea who, or what you were. But it was the truth, and denying it wasn’t going to do anything but make you manic like you had been all week long, and you didn’t want to feel like that ever again.

“Great, you can work on my staff if you want.” He didn’t give you much time to really think about what he said, giving you one final hug that was a bit looser than the last one. It was more casual and formal, though you could never really call the occasional kisses to your forehead that he gave you from time to time very formal. “I’ll see you at some point.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll consider your offer, I might go into retirement, who knows.”

“I’ll see you in the nursing home, then.”

“Fucking dick.” You responded, but you couldn’t help the slight smile on your lips. It was nice to have a friend, even if he kind of sucked. You didn’t bother going back inside immediately after he left, leaning against the wall and taking your phone out. You weren’t sure if you wanted to go home. You knew that everyone’s cars would pull up shortly, and you knew that you were going to want to go home soon. But you also didn’t want to be alone, and you needed to go back inside and find Lukas.

Before you could bother texting Lukas to ask for his location, he came out of the building with his Swedish friends behind him. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes of you standing outside, contemplating leaving, but he looked like his entire energy had shifted in those ten minutes.

“What did you say to him?” Oskar and Ebba made their way to the car, allowing you time to speak with Lukas. He seemed… he looked excited, but like he was trying to contain it because he didn’t want to get too excited about something like business.

“He asked for business advice, I gave him business advice.” You said, watching Lukas walk a bit closer to you. He was standing right in front of you, but you were still leaned against the wall. “I told him to back you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s what’s best.” You responded, glancing down. As you looked back up, you could see a smile on his face, the kind of toothy smile that you missed so much. You loved him so much more than you ever really understood, and it made you want to cry that you hadn’t been able to speak to him very much this week. It was mostly on you, you knew that. He had every reason to never speak to you again, and you couldn’t help the way that you felt your lip quiver as you watched him. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry about everything-”

He moved forward to pull you into a hug, your body moving away from the wall as you fully moved so you were pressed against him. Your face was pressed into his shirt as you cried, wishing for nothing more than the ability to take it all back. You wanted to take everything back. To stop yourself from punishing him for things that you knew he never did, to take his offer to go home with him when you had the chance because it was the only thing that ever had the possibility to make you happy. In many ways, you believed that he was the only real thing that you had ever known, and you had gone and mucked it all up.

Lukas didn’t mind that your tears were probably soaking into his shirt, he just let you cry against him until you could pull back. You could have gone inside. You could have gotten into a car and gone home. You could have said a million things that you wished that you had been saying to him all week. Instead, you leaned forward and pressed your hand against his cheek, your lips connecting with his. The kiss was soft, but it was like you were trying to take out everything that you had been holding inside all week. It felt like your body fit perfectly slotted against his, and you hadn’t even acknowledged the fact that the skin of his cheek was so soft because he had shaved.

As you pulled back, you searched his face for any sign that he didn’t want to be doing this, but you came up empty. You wanted to tell him that you loved him, that you were sorry, that you wished that none of this ever happened. But you could just work one sentence out. “Are you leaving?”

“I am.”

“Can you take me home?” You had a car, you could take yourself home. But he knew why you were asking, and he merely nodded as he led you to his car. You were grateful that his cohorts were sitting in the middle row of the car, giving you room to lay down in the back seat. Lukas let you lay your head on his lap, your body turned to face the seat so you could curl into him even if it wasn’t the most comfortable position in the world. There was nothing more comfortable than having his fingers running through your hair, nothing more comfortable than feeling his steady breathing with your face pressed against his stomach. You wished that you hadn’t gone so long without being around him, even though it had been less than a week, but right now, you were finally beginning to feel relaxed.

Relaxed enough that you had managed to fall asleep as you laid against him. For the first time in the last week, you actually fell asleep. Not some half-sleep-like state where you were sort of asleep but not really. You were actually, fully sleeping because it was somewhat difficult for you to sleep without Lukas beside you. You’d noticed that a while ago, but it became a lot more difficult when you questioned if you were ever going to get to fall asleep beside him again.

It wasn’t until the car parked that you were woken up, realizing that he had taken you to your apartment like you had asked him to do. Maybe you should have asked him if you could come home with him, considering that you were pretty positive that was what you actually wanted. The best you could do was ask him if he would walk you inside, something that absolutely did not need to happen since you were feet away from the building.

As you stopped in front of the door with him, you couldn’t face the idea of not bringing him upstairs. You were somewhat groggy from falling asleep, but you couldn’t not have a serious conversation with him, without the watchful gaze of others. You could not spend another night not knowing the nature of your relationship. And you couldn’t spend another moment not making up with him, if he was even interested in making up to begin with.

“Would you- would you maybe want to come upstairs?”

“I- yes, hold on.” He sent a message to his driver, allowing them to leave without him as he walked inside with you. It was strange walking through these doors again, knowing that you hadn’t come in here with him since before everything bad went down. But now here you were, and though it felt strange with that context, it felt right to be coming inside of your apartment building with Lukas.

It felt like you were both walking on glass as you walked into your apartment, but you knew that was going to happen. Setting Roman’s jacket down on the couch, you took your shoes off and let Lukas take his shoes, tie and blazer off as well as he followed you to your bedroom. You needed to speak to each other, but someone needed to be the one to speak first. You just wanted to be sitting down when it happened. You wanted to be comfortable, and ready to speak to him. But you wanted him to know that he was welcome in your home as well, the home that was filled with memories between you two. The home that had many, many sweaters of his.

Sitting down on the bed, you both leaned against the headboard, not bothering to turn the ceiling light on as you switched on the one on the nightstand. You weren’t sure if you would have the energy to get up and turn the ceiling light off, and you really didn’t want to imagine the outcome that Lukas would turn it off as on his way out. You wanted him to spend the night, but you knew that you had fucked up so tremendously that he might not want to. This might be it for the two of you, and that thought left you feeling absolute dread.

“I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am.” You started, watching him as you tried to figure out how he was feeling. This was a stark contrast to the way that you spoke to each other at the party, but it needed to be. You no longer felt manic or depressed over what happened, you were seeing things clearly, and he could see that. “I’ve been the worst person in the world to you, and I’m not going to make excuses for it. I’ve been childish, and mean, and I should probably kill Tom.”

“I’ll be killing Tom.” He responded, glancing down at his phone. “I have a meeting with him tomorrow, I think I might make him CEO.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, it won’t be fun for him. It’ll be funny for me.” He was making no sense right now, why would he make Tom his CEO? He never liked Tom, but now he had extra reason to dislike him. Especially because he needed Shiv on his side if he wanted the votes, since he was now aware that you weren’t going to be voting for anyone in that room there was no real way for him to convince you. “He’s the face of this whole Wisconsin thing, he’s the one that people hate right now. He’s the one that’s going to be with the company during it’s worst, Post-Logan Roy era. His life will be absolute fucking hell, and I know you want that too.”

It took you a moment to comprehend what he was trying to say to you, but it made sense after a moment. “He’s not a good person, I thought he was a good person but he’s not. He deserves it. He wants to be in power so badly, but he can’t handle it. I do… I do kind of want that. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about what I did.”

“You were wrong to do it.” He responded, making you wonder if he was just coming here to let you know in confidence that he would be exacting his revenge on Tom before never speaking to you again. You couldn’t blame him, it made sense. “But I should have talked to you in Norway. You thought I fucked your sister, I could have done more.”

“Why didn’t you come see me that night?”

“I don’t know.” He admitted, though that wasn’t much of an answer, you didn’t have much of an answer for the horrible things you did. You didn’t know why you acted the way you did. Well, you knew, you weren’t in your right mind and nothing you did was what you normally would have done, but that wasn’t a very good reason either. “I was too focused on business, I should have gone to see you.”

“We’re both kinda fucked up, aren’t we?”

“Very fucked up.”

“I’m sorry for making fun of you on Twitter.”

“I’m sorry that you got bullied on Twitter for making fun of me.”

“Yeah, well, that was my own fault.” You got mocked on Twitter because you tried to take a political stance against the idea of bigotry when you were besties with the next President of the United States who wasn’t exactly the most moral person that you had ever known. “I’m sorry for not telling people that we were together. I guess I thought that I was covering it up, but-”

“Everyone knew.”

“Yeah, everyone knew. I’m not embarrassed to be with you, I guess I just got worried that my dad would hate me if he spent so long trying to cover it up and I just openly admitted it.” But you were going to admit it, at that party where people found out anyway. It felt like a more controlled environment, and it felt better to do it there than it would have at Connor’s wedding since your eldest brother rarely got attention. Taking it away from him felt like it would have been wrong, but admitting it at your father’s funeral probably wasn’t any less distasteful. “I wish I could take all of this back, you know? I fucking hate that it happened, I hated fighting with you. I love you so fucking much, and I’m so sorry.”

“I love you too, you understand that right?”

“I do, I’m sorry for- I’m sorry that I said that I didn’t believe you.”

“I’m sorry for telling you so late.” All you really seemed to be doing right now was apologizing to each other, but that was all you needed to do. You may have fucked up, but so did he. Neither of you knew how to approach this situation in a mature way, and neither of you were making the correct decisions when it came to trying to help the relationship. Love was a powerful thing, but if you didn’t communicate with each other in an adult manner you weren’t going to be able to maintain it. You had to work on that, and the only thing that you could do was hope that this entire situation was going to make it easier for you to speak to each other about this.

That feeling that you felt after the death of your father was horrific. It felt like your entire world was falling apart, and like you needed to look for someone to blame. Blaming your father was out of the question, considering that he was dead and you felt like it would be wrong. Considering, also, that you really did not want to accept that he was dead to begin with. “I tried to project all that shit I was feeling about my dad onto you, I’m so sorry. I don’t- I don’t wanna fight with you anymore. I don’t like being away from you.”

“I don’t like being away from you either, it’s fucking torture. Do you know how much I complained? I thought Oskar was going to quit.”

“I think we’ve both successfully made Shiv want to cancel her phone plan.” You’d heard bits and pieces of what he was complaining about to her, but you didn’t know much more than those bits and pieces. “Will you spend the night with me?” It felt high school, it felt juvenile. Like you were asking the cute boy that came over to study if he wanted to spend the night and sneak out in the morning, but you needed to ask him. You had to ask him because you knew that he wasn’t going to ask you himself. He had made a point to not overstep any of your boundaries, so you were well aware that he was being extra careful when it came to saying things that might be potentially upsetting for you.

“They took my car away, I want to stay here.” He confirmed, letting you lay your head against him as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. His hold felt comfortable, he felt warm, he made you feel like everything was going to be alright. “I have to ask, did you fuck Mencken to get him to back me?”

“I deserved that.” You responded, the feeling of him laughing against you making you smile. “I did not, I was just honest with him. My siblings can’t handle being CEO, I can’t handle being CEO, and the backlash that he’ll get for not killing the deal is going to be far tamer than what he’d get for handing it over to my siblings.”

“And you’ve never had sex with him before?” You tilted your head up, your chin resting against him as you held his gaze. “What?”

“No, I’ve never had sex with him before. I met him like… a few weeks before I met you.” You answered his question while giving him one more question. “It’s always been you, I promise.”

“And Tom.”

“Fuck Tom.”

“You already did-”

“I did not fuck Tom, he’s the one spreading that bullshit because he’s a pathetic little man who thinks I’m going to help him out when I’m not.” You responded, your anger making him smile a little bit. He always found it amusing when you got angry at people, so long as those people didn’t happen to be himself. “He fingered me, okay? That’s what happened.”

“I know, Greg told me. Well, no. Greg told me something happened, Shiv told me that he didn’t fuck you, and Greg said that he definitely did something because he ‘made a gesture with his fingers’.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.” He wasn’t really going to fully forgive you for that, you didn’t expect him to and you weren’t going to ask him to. You made a big mistake. You had both agreed to commit to each other fully, and you had done something that went against that, but he was sticking with you because you knew it was a mistake, because it wasn’t awfully serious, and because your little mania brain made you feel like you were no longer in a relationship and being cheated on. To you, it felt like retaliation with a rebound, and Lukas might be a little goofy but he was smart enough to understand that.

“If it’s any consolation, you’re the only person that I’ve ever let cum inside of me. You’re also the first person to make me cum in general, if you were curious.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, I’ve- you know, there were two other people, but I was so scared of my father that I just couldn’t get there. But you, you’re different.”

“I’m honored.”

“Yeah? Figured you might be.” Lukas leaned over, capturing your lips with his as his hand pressed against the back of your neck. You kissed him back, moving so you were a bit closer to him as his thumb stroked over the skin of your neck. He felt good, but he pulled back after a moment. You could feel his breath against your lips, his eyes watching you as you stared back at him. You couldn’t get enough of him, of the way he smelled, the way he tasted, what it felt like to be able to kiss him knowing that you were both in love with each other.

“Is it bad that I want to cum inside of you right now?”

“Not really, can we do it in the morning though? I’m sleepy, I can’t sleep without you.” You had no intention of admitting that you had trouble sleeping without Lukas there, but there was no reason why not. You were trying to be more honest with him. You were trying to put all of your cards on the table and telling him something like that was one of those cards. You didn’t want to hide anything anymore, and the only thing you could hope was that he didn’t want to hide anything from you either. It was also probably odd that you being tired was your only gripe with having sex on one of the most emotional days of your life, but something about Lukas being around you made it feel okay. He made you feel better about all of it.

So, with that all in mind you both changed into something else. You put on a pair of pajamas, and he changed into a tank top and removed the slacks that he had been wearing. He had clothing here, and he had for a while. It was oddly comfortable, oddly domestic, but you wanted it to be domestic. You wanted to be with him, you couldn’t stand the thought of not being with him anymore.

Laying down together came naturally, your body curled into his and his arms wrapped tightly around you. You could feel his hand against your chest, his fingers playing with the metal of the necklace that you had never taken off after he put it on you. At the time, you believed that maybe you were too weak to remove it, too attached to him to think about taking it off even though you weren’t sure if you were still together. Now you knew it was a promise to yourself. A promise that you would be beside him again, even if the business had the potential to muck everything up in the coming days.

He felt warm against you, his lips against your head as you leaned up to kiss him again. You missed kissing him. You loved to be this close with him, and you were sure that he knew that. “Are you really planning on leaving the company?”

“I don’t know, maybe.” You responded, not bothering to move your head from his neck. You traced your fingers over his skin, the warmth of it making you want to melt into him. “It ruined everything, being here, being so far apart-”

“You’re still welcome to come live with me.”

“You still want to live with me?”

“Obviously. I love you. I’ve been-” He stopped speaking, like it was something difficult for him. He hadn’t really spoken with this much vulnerability with you before, and you wondered if he had spoken with this much vulnerability with anyone before. You gave him the time that he needed to say what he wanted to say, though, because there was no part of you that felt like you needed to rush him. “I’ve been in love with you for months.”

“You have?”

“Uh-huh.”

“When did you- when?”

“The second time I came here.” The second time he came here wasn’t too long after the first time, which meant that you had both been feeling… rather intense for a while. While you had reasoned that it didn’t matter if he told you that he loved you because he showed you that he did wherever possible, people in your ear had continually been telling you that it did matter. Now here you were, finding out that it really did not matter if he told you that he loved you, because he did love you, and he had this entire time. Now he was saying it, and now you knew that you were right to trust your instincts all along.

“I think I fell in love with you the first time you came here, so that’s nice.” You responded, not quite sure if that was the best thing to say but you could feel him pressing a gentle kiss against the top of your head. That was the first time that you ever figured that he would be willing to travel to see you, and you could pinpoint the exact moment that you realized you were in love with him - when you took off your “disguises” at night to kiss in Brooklyn, when he made you feel more held and loved than anyone else ever had. It was also the first time that you had told him about the trauma that you had with your mother. “I’m sorry about making you meet my mother, by the way.”

“That was Greg’s fault.” It was Greg’s fault, but that didn’t mean that you weren’t sorry that he had to deal with it. She could be a handful, you knew that, you’d been dealing with it since childhood. You knew that she was looking at him with that same scrutiny that she looked at yourself and your siblings with, and you doubted that it made him feel very good considering that it had always struck fear into your heart.

“Yeah, well. I guess you were gonna have to meet her at some point, right?”

“Definitely.” There was something that neither of you were saying there, an admission that your relationship had become serious enough that you knew that he was going to meet your mother despite her only coming around for incredibly special occasions. The only time you would ever see her coming to visit would be for either a funeral, like what you had today, or a wedding. But it really didn’t matter, because you knew how serious this relationship is to both of you. You know now that you both feel the exact same way about each other, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that it’s as serious for him as it is for you. “I won’t go home until after the vote, will you come home with me?”

There was a large part of you that wished that he would just go home in the morning, that you wouldn’t have to be there for the board meeting. “Can we just leave in the morning? I don’t- I’m not voting.” But you couldn’t leave tomorrow, you knew that. You were obligated to stay even if you weren’t voting because you knew that your siblings could do something drastic. Lukas couldn’t leave because he would need to be in the city to sign the paperwork to take over the company if he won the vote. Leaving right now wasn’t an option for you, but you wished so badly that it could be.

“We’ll go when we can.” He was aware that you didn’t want to be in the city for the vote, but it really didn’t matter what you wanted. You felt very resentful toward the company, toward the fact that it was keeping the two of you from running away. Stopping you from eloping back to his home, back to the home that he invited you to live in. But that company was the reason that the two of you met to begin with. This deal was the reason that you hooked up, but you hope that the ending of it doesn’t have to be the reason for something else. There was nothing that could be done to avoid the vote. Nothing that could be done to stop your siblings from tearing into each other. The only thing you could do was try to stay out of it, because you didn’t want to fight anyone over the family company any longer.

There were so many more things that you wanted to say to him, so many things that were going to have to come up in the morning. You were going to have to worry about Roman, worry about why Shiv was texting you in the middle of the night to ask you if you knew where he was. You were going to have to worry about the deal, and your brother’s reaction to no longer having Mencken on his side. But you were also going to have to worry about more interpersonal things. About how people are going to react to you being back together with Lukas, how your siblings are more than likely going to accuse you of helping him get what he wanted (which you did) because you were in a relationship with him (but you didn’t do it because you were in a relationship with him).

Beyond all that, you were going to have to worry about Shiv. Shiv was the one who wanted to be CEO, and as far as you knew, she knew that wasn’t going to happen. Of course, you were wrong. You were asleep when Lukas made that call to tell her about the American CEO, and people didn’t take you seriously enough for her to truly consider the fact that you probably helped to talk Mencken out of wanting her for CEO because she just doesn’t have the experience. You didn’t know that she didn’t know that it was going to be Tom (probably), so you were going to have to worry about all of that when you inevitably ended up finding out.

But for right now, none of it mattered. You’ve grown incredibly exhausted about the idea of business seeping into your relationships and ruining whatever good things that you have. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter to you right now. For once, you were just not going to worry about what was going to happen tomorrow. You weren’t going to think about the fact that your siblings weren’t going to be happy to see you making up with Lukas. You weren’t going to worry about the fact that your father was dead, and that ownership of the company was up in the air. You certainly weren’t going to worry about how your brutal honesty and genuine advice to Mencken had helped to completely fuck up the leverage that Kendall had. You didn’t need to worry about any of that, because you didn’t want to.

Maybe it would be better going to work with Lukas in Sweden. Maybe, the real infection of working for this company came from being with your entire family for it. Maybe you did have fun working, you did have quite a bit of fun working on the campaign, so was it too much of a long-shot to assume that you might have the same amount of fun working for Waystar and living with Lukas? There was really no reason for you to stay here and work if it was being offered for you to go somewhere else, somewhere that might make you happier.

Lukas mumbled one last ‘I love you’ to you, you responding in turn with the same statement. It felt so good to finally be able to say it and hear it in return, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was being genuine. At the end of the day, maybe nothing else had to matter. If you could hide away with him, if he was willing to run away with you, if you could just be together without everyone else ruining it for you - maybe you could truly find happiness.

For days now, you’ve been sharing the same bed as your siblings because you didn’t want to be alone. You had been trying to fill the void that Lukas had left in your spirit when you weren’t together. Tonight, there was no void to fill, there was no reason to run to anyone else for comfort. He was offering that to you indefinitely, to come live with him and fall asleep with him every night. No more jet lag, no more leaving parties and waking up three hours later to rush home. No more worrying about how he’s doing, or FaceTiming just because you don’t want to be apart. He was asking you to never be apart from him, and why shouldn’t you take it?

All you could hope was that it wouldn’t end up being too good to be true.

Chapter Text

Oftentimes, there would be a moment of peace and quiet during a bad storm. The eye of the hurricane in the middle of everything terrible going on, just one brief moment where everything feels normal. You couldn’t be sure if you were in the eye of the hurricane as you woke up in Lukas’ arms, or if you had just exited the storm. There was no way of knowing until after the board meeting, after you saw how your siblings were holding up. After you made it through the next few days, if you were going to make it through the next few days. You wanted to hope for the best, and despite the worries that still remained in your mind, you felt oddly at peace about everything.

It was Lukas on the phone that woke you up that morning. It had yet to become light out, but he was on the phone speaking with what sounded like Oskar. They were talking about some political cartoon that was going to be released of Lukas later in the day, and Lukas was claiming that he was okay with it. Whether or not that was the truth, was another story, because he really didn’t seem okay with it. People talked, yes, but people making a mockery of him right before he needed to ensure that he had the respect and trust of the board? It probably wasn’t a good look.

Once the call had ended, you turned your head up so you could face him. He always looked beautiful in the morning, even if he was somewhat groggy and his hair was messy. There was no part of him that wasn’t beautiful to you, but maybe that was just because you were in love with him and were incapable of seeing him as anything other than the most beautiful person in the world.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay, I got about double the sleep I’ve been getting.” You got a full eight hours, because you both fell asleep around eight at night. Lukas, was, traditionally up all night long. But whenever he came to visit you in New York he was always out around the same time that all of the elderly people in your life were typically out. He may have been in the city for a few days now, but he was still rather jet-lagged considering that you were many hours behind him. You weren’t sure how long he had been asleep, or if he had just woken up to answer a phone call from Oskar. You just knew that you fell asleep around the same time. “Thank you for staying.”

“Thank you for letting me.” There was probably a lot for you to unpack there. The both of you were incredibly grateful to be able to spend time together after spending so much time apart, and the fact that you were just happy to be together made your heart warm. All you ever really wanted in life was love. Love from your father, from your siblings. He was offering you love. Love that you didn’t feel the need to fight over or win. Love that you believed was guaranteed to you because he was telling you he loved you, because he didn’t need to be asked to say it or watch you do something good for him for it to come out of his mouth. “Are you okay?”

Were you okay? Yesterday had been the day of your father’s funeral, and you couldn’t lie and say that you weren’t sad about it. But your father didn’t die yesterday, he died days ago. He died in front of you, in a plane, with you holding onto his hand. The only thing that the funeral truly did for you was give you closure, give you understanding. That closure was making you feel a lot better, but being close with Lukas again was making you feel incredibly warm inside. All you wanted right now was to be held by him, to remain in his arms and to just go home with him and not have to worry about everything else that was going on. The idea of being apart again made you upset, and you knew that he was going to have to go work on convincing people to side with him in the board room today, and you were going to be expected to be at Waystar. Still, for right now, you felt rather peaceful. “I feel better, I feel kinda… kinda happy, for the first time in a week.”

“You’re happy?”

“Happy you’re here.” You responded, a smile crossing his face. You loved listening to him in the morning, how thick his accent could be when he had just woken up. It made your entire stomach flutter, and the idea of being able to wake up and hear something like that every single morning once you moved in was enough to make you want to cry, but in a good way. Because you did want to spend your time with him. So long as the two of you could be honest and open with each other, you wanted to spend all of your time with him.

Leaning forward, you captured his lips within your own. It was soft at first, innocent. Your hand cradled his cheek as he tightened the arm that he had around your body. It felt like he was just completely and utterly unwilling to let you go, and the feeling was entirely mutual. Kissing him felt natural, it felt normal, it felt like what you were supposed to be doing. Over time, you forgot what it felt like to kiss anyone else. When you had experienced it with another, it didn’t feel the same. It didn’t feel normal, or like something that your body could even accept. But being with Lukas just felt right, it felt like he was made to kiss you even if you questioned for a while if you were even meant to know each other.

Being this close, after what felt like so long, had you getting a bit worked up. You were already pretty much on top of him, but you couldn’t stop yourself from moving closer. Your leg moved around his hip, your thoughts echoing back to the agreement that he would fuck you in the morning. More specifically, that he was going to cum inside of you in the morning.

Lukas rested his hands on your hips as you moved to straddle him, your body moving on it’s own accord. It felt like a familiar song and dance, something you had done a million times. But no matter how many times this happened, you were never not excited. It never felt stale, or boring. There was something about him that always kept things interesting for you, and knowing that he loves you just like you do him only makes this more interesting. But he pulled back once you were settled on top of him, smiling slightly as he watched the way that your lips tried to chase his.

“Are you sure?” He asked, your eyebrows furrowing. It wasn’t like he didn’t get your consent before you had sex, but he never asked in this way. “I just mean because yesterday was…”

“Oh, right.” You responded, thinking of a proper way to explain the way that you were feeling right now. “I think I was kind of in a state of denial before the funeral, but I’m better now. I feel happier now that it’s done than I did before it happened.” You had been manic and depressed all week long, looking for anything and everything that could possibly make you forget what happened. But now you were able to see things clearly because it had smacked you in the face, and you felt a lot better. “I’m sure. I’ve missed you, I want this.”

“I missed you too.” He responded, leaning forward to capture your lips within his. His fingers started to move down your torso, prodding at the waistband of your shorts, but you grabbed his hand to stop him.

“I’ve been the worst person in the world, let me make it up to you.” Lukas was confused for a moment, before you started to move the blankets down. He did like it when you sucked his dick, there was no way around it. He liked fucking your throat, he liked having your mouth around him and making you swallow his cum. But that was all more… fun. This was something different. This was more intimate, more personal. And you weren’t doing this to be obscene, you were doing it because you wanted to make him feel good to make up for the terrible things that you had been doing all week. Plus, you would be lying if you said that you didn’t miss the way he tastes.

“You don’t have to-”

“I want to, do you want me to?”

He contemplated for a moment, but you knew what he was going to say. “Yeah, sure. Yes.” Why wouldn’t he say yes to you sucking his dick? He was a man, afterall, and it wasn’t like you had been doing it this week.

Your fingers ducked under the boxers he was wearing, pulling them down and moving over a bit so he could kick them off of his feet. With a small and expectant smile, you held your hand out to him so he could spit into it. “Spit, please.”

“I forgot how much of a freak you are sometimes.”

“It’s been like… a few days. You didn’t forget.” But he was right, it did feel like an eternity. It felt like you were apart from him for months, not a matter of days. But so much had happened in the past week that you could understand why you felt like that, why he felt like that… maybe it was just because he was going along for the ride.

Regardless, once he had spit into your palm you moved back down, using your empty hand to push your hair away from your face before taking ahold of his cock. He watched you with an intense stare, the way that your hand captured his semi-hard cock, the way that you rubbed the spit in your palm from tip to base. It wasn’t like you didn’t usually take your time, but you were really being gentle right now. You were treating his body like it was a fine piece of art, a piece of art that you had feared you would never have the luxury of seeing again.

Settling in, you placed your mouth on his tip before taking him as far into your mouth as you could. His head fell back against the pillows, one of his hands falling against your hair. Starting a steady rhythm was easy, because you wanted to taste him. The feeling of him getting harder in your mouth was intoxicating to you, knowing that he was feeling this way because of your actions. Though it was true that he was possessive, you both were. Just the mere idea of anyone else making him feel this way was enough to spur you on, your tongue pressed against his shaft.

“Fuck, you’re so good at that.” It easn’t like you could respond, your mouth was currently being used for something else. But you appreciated it, you appreciated the praise, and continued on with what you were doing. Your eyes fell closed as you moved to take him in your throat all the way, choking back the gags that were fighting to come out of your body. Even if it hurt your throat a little bit, and made your eyes get just a little red and watery, you lived to hear the breathy moan that fell from his lips when you did it.

Pulling your head back, you looked back down at him. He was fully erect at this point, and though you wanted to take him back into your mouth, you felt his fingers holding you in place. Glancing back up at him, you noticed him moving to sit up. “I thought I was good at that?”

“You are, but I don’t want to cum in your mouth.” He responded, but you pouted a bit.

“Just one more second? I really wanna taste you?” There was a bit of pre-cum forming on his tip, and though he almost wanted to say no, there was something so enticing about the way that you had asked. Like all you wanted, or needed, was to have him inside of you in any way possible.

“I love you so fucking much.” He mumbled, removing his fingers from your hair as you moved to suck his tip into your mouth. The way his eyes rolled back as you watched him from below was enough to make your core throb, but you were worrying about him right now. Eventually, you did what he wanted and pulled your lips away from him, moving to pull your shirt off before he caught your hands.

Lukas didn’t move your hands, he simply placed them over yours so he could help you take the shirt off. He watched you like he was observing a sculpture, leaning forward to capture the skin of your neck in between his lips. His kiss was sloppy, but it was rough. He wanted to leave a mark in a similar place to the one he had it in last time, but he didn’t want you to feel the need to cover it like you did before. When you were in public, at a board meeting, sure. Obviously. You were an adult and you couldn’t show up to the biggest board meeting of your life with a giant hickey on your neck. But otherwise, you weren’t going to be ashamed of it.

His lips moved lower, capturing a nipple with his mouth, a small moan falling from your lips as you watched him. His hands moved to press behind your back, urging you closer to him. His tongue moved against the protruding area, your chest moving faster and faster by the second. But eventually he moved his eyes so he could look at you, so he could watch the way your face devolved into pleasure, before removing his mouth from you and very quickly moving to help you turn around. Crawling to the top of the bed, you expected him to follow you, but he didn’t.

Instead, he kissed from your chest to your stomach. Slow, steady, really taking his time. Though this wasn’t the first time he had explored your body like this, it was the first time it was so careful and interested. He wanted to make sure that he explored every inch of your skin that he could possibly get his mouth on, before finally settling between yours legs. Your chest was heaving at this point, watching him hook his fingers underneath the fabric covering you before pulling it down and off of your hips.

While you kicked it off, he started kissing and nipping at your inner thighs. With each passing second he moved closer and closer to your core. It was endearing to see him take his time like this, but it was also making you a little bit insane because you would love to feel something. The throbbing of your clit was almost painful watching him like this, waiting for him to do something but knowing that he wants you to feel that way. He wants you to have build up, to know that this is special. Because this is the first time you’ve done anything like this while both of you have said those three words. That made it special, that made it different.

Finally, he used his hands to spread your thighs a bit further before licking a stripe up to your clit. He took in every bit of wetness that you had to offer him, before attaching his lips to the throbbing bundle of nerves near the top of your vulva. His eyes focused on your face as you stared down at him, your eyes locked on him though you could feel them beginning to cloud with lust.

Lukas brought his hands to rest on the bed, but you moved one of your hands down to grab onto his. He wrapped his fingers around your hand, embracing the way that you squeezed onto it as he licked your clit in a steady but purposeful pace. He wasn’t pushing down too hard, but it was hard enough that you wanted to arch your back, hard enough that you squeezed his hand every single time he licked you.

With his other hand, he pushed two fingers inside of you, your eyes snapping shut as your head fell back against the pillow. His fingers moved in a way that showed you how much attention he paid to you, to what made you tick and scream his name. He knew just where to curl them, just where he had to hit to make you squirm. He was so familiar with your body and what you liked that it was almost like it was his own. He knew it like the back of his hand, and he showed that with the way that he moved his fingers.

The pace was slower than normal, because he wasn’t just trying to make you cum. He wanted you to know how loved you were, because he hadn’t said it sooner. Because you went through so much and he thought that you were never going to know. He wanted you to feel on top of the world, and you absolutely did.

“Lu-Lukas, I really, really want to cum with you inside of me.”

He pulled his mouth back less than an inch, the warm air from his breath blowing against your cunt as his fingers continued to pump within you. “You will, but I really want you to cum in my mouth.”

Had he not been fingering you like he was, maybe you would have rejected this offer because you really did want to cum with him inside of you. But you couldn’t decline. He was making you feel too good, and there was absolutely no way that you weren’t going to allow him to make you cum. Especially because he asked so nicely. “Okay- okay, yeah, sounds good.”

Lukas wasted absolutely no time in taking your clit back into his mouth, your other hand moving to grab onto his hair. Your touch was gentle, as was his. but even the gentleness was driving you insane, because he knew what to do with it. He knew how to make you shake, and he was doing everything in his power to make sure that you felt as good as possible. It did feel different from every other time, but not just because you knew that he loved you now. But because he had shaved his beard, there was no facial hair rubbing up against your skin, and though it might have been a shock for you to feel, it didn’t feel any less like him.

His touch was enrapturing, his smell was so familiar and comforting. You couldn’t get enough of it, of him, of everything about him. It felt like it had been ages apart, and now you were both making up for it. Your fingers squeezed his hand a little tighter, your body arching off of the bed a little bit as the volume of your moans increased. The room was only lit by the dim light of one of your lamps on the side table on the side of the bed he was laying on, and it was so early that you knew that nobody else was awake. You were completely and utterly alone together, and it was still and quiet outside of this bedroom. You felt completely at ease.

His fingers sped up a bit, his tongue a bit rougher against your clit. It didn’t take you very long to cum, a moan of his name falling from your lips as your hips moved very shallowly against his face. It was almost unnoticeable how your body was moving, but he had paid enough attention to you to see it, to feel it, for a slight smile to cover his lips. Lukas removed his fingers from you, moving his tongue down further so he could take the complete taste of your orgasm in while you came down from the height of the moment.

Once you had come down, your eyes open and focused on him, he crawled up to the top of the bed to capture your lips within his. One of your hands remained interlocked with his, but your other hand moved to rest on his newly smooth cheek. The kiss was a bit sloppy, both of you incredibly driven by lust at the moment. But it was meaningful, it was soft and it was everything that you had wanted while you were apart but hadn’t allowed yourself to have.

As he pulled back, you nearly melted at the sight of his eyes. They were soft, vulnerable, he never looked super vulnerable so when he did it always made you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Your thumb brushed against his cheek, your eyes never leaving his.

“You shaved.”

“Yeah, do you like it?”

“It’s hot, you’re always hot.” He smiled at that, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to your mouth before lining himself up with you. “You gonna cum inside of me like you promised.”

“Of course, when don’t I cum inside of you?”

“Good question.” Sometimes you wondered why he did it so often, whether it was because he wanted something more than what you had, because he believed it was a way of marking his territory. Or maybe it was just how he showed you love. Whatever the reason, you never minded. You liked the way that it felt when he came inside of you. Not just the way it felt physically, but the way that it made you feel. Connected to him, trusting him fully. It wasn’t easy to find people to trust, so being able to trust him with something like that meant a lot to you. “I like it though.”

Lukas pushed inside of you, his eyes never leaving yours as an almost simultaneous moan left your mouths. He felt good, he felt so good inside of you like he always did. There was something so comforting about being able to feel this again, after spending days thinking that this would never happen again. And it wasn’t on a whim. It wasn’t because you were anxious, or stressed, or falling into an old routine that maybe you shouldn’t be falling into. It was because you loved him, because he loved you, and because you talked about it. You talked about everything. And sure, maybe you were both going to have to go to therapy to discuss everything that happened in the last week, but you had hope for the future.

“Does that feel good?” He mumbled, his lips ghosting over yours while your eyes fought to not close. Your senses felt overwhelmed, your body felt like it was going into overdrive because you had excitement for the future for the first time in a long time. As you fully opened them again, it was like you could see him in a different light.

“So good, I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” You would probably never get tired of hearing him say that. It had been so long that you yearned for it, and now you finally had it. Verbal, physical, confirmation that he loved you. Even if the first time he said it was messy, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because you knew now, you understood now, and you wanted to continue to understand for the rest of your life.

Lukas set a slow and steady pace, thrusting into your body like it was delicate and breakable, almost like he was scared that you were going to go somewhere. Your hand held tighter onto his as he sped up his movements, his thumb brushing circles over the top of your hand as he continued to move. He felt familiar, but he felt like he was made for you. You leaned up to take his lips into your own, a softer kiss than what you were used to. But it was also needy, it was desperate. You both needed each other so badly right now, and that was incredibly apparent in the way that you were kissing each other.

Your hips ground against his slightly, removing your hand from his face so you could trail it down his neck, his chest, every inch of skin presented to you. It was almost like you were mapping him into your memory. The bit of hair on his chest that was harder see than someone else’s may be because it was platinum blond, just like the hair on his head. The warmth of his skin, the way that his muscles moved when he moved his body. Everything about him, anything and everything that you could think of.

The feeling of his lips against yours was almost as hypnotic as the way that he moved inside of you, purposeful and soft and everything that you believed your first time would be like - but your first time sleeping with Lukas was nothing like this. It was rough and it was fast and you had no idea that it was going to become something but here you are, unabashedly in love with him and receiving the same thing back. Something that you didn’t know you would ever get in life because your father never really made you feel like it was encouraged.

He held onto you tightly, not tight enough to hurt you just tight enough that he was holding you there. His hand digging into your hip to hold you still while he moved inside of you. Your moans falling into his mouth, his falling into yours. The few times you had sex in the morning were always nice, but never like this. However different, his moans always stuck out to you. The way that his voice was a bit deeper in the morning, his accent a bit thicker. It translated into his moans, into the way they sounded, the way they were currently filling your mouth. Everything about him was always good to you, but something about the way he was in the morning was always incredibly special.

It felt like you were so pent up after spending so long (a few days) apart, and it didn’t take you very long to get close to your second orgasm. Lukas pulled back a bit, his breathing slightly labored as he looked at you. “You’re mine, right?”

“All yours, I promise.” But that wasn’t enough, you needed to hear it from him because that was what started the mess you had been in to begin with. It was why you couldn’t be together for him to help you mourn the passing of your father. “You’re mine too?”

“Of course I am.” He watched you while you got closer, his hand tightening around your hips as his own thrusts became more erratic. The moment you came around him, tightening around his cock, a bit of a strangled moan left his throat as he came inside of you, his eyes closed and his mouth slightly opened. He always looked so pretty to you when he finished, something about it looked so enticing when it was him but never seemed to interest you when it was anyone else.

As he pulled out, he moved to lay beside you, your head resting on his chest and your fingers moving to trace his stomach. “Are you sure we can’t leave now?”

“I’m sure.” He didn’t sound like he was sure, but not because there was any question in his mind about whether or not he was needed for this vote. He knew that he needed to be here for the next two days, even if he wanted to prioritize you over business he would be opening himself up to litigation if he didn’t go to the board meeting.

“What if you just phoned in? Kendall phoned in to the Vote of No Confidence that he started himself.” That was… not entirely true. Kendall did phone in, but it wasn’t something that he did intentionally. He did that because he was being trapped into it. Because he was late to return back from trying to get more people to side with him and there was nothing else he could do. That didn’t work out very well for him, but you were also aware that Lukas wasn’t going to be present in the board room until after everything was said and done.

Tilting your head so you could look at him, you could see his remorseful gaze. “If I could, I would. But we have to stay. Once it’s over we can go, the second I finish filing paperwork.” But that was something you had been hearing your entire life. Once the paperwork is over, once the board meeting is over, once something goes terribly wrong and everyone ends up depressed in the end because that was what always happened. There was a part of you that was fearful of this not just because no matter what happens, someone’s going to be upset, but because something always goes wrong. No matter who’s involved, or what promises are made, something is going to go wrong because that’s just how things are when it comes to your family and this company.

But maybe you would break that cycle for once, maybe everything is going to be okay because this isn’t like every other time. “When we were at that party, you told me that my dad talked about me all the time. What did you mean by that?”

The memory of the party didn’t seem to be something that he really wanted to discuss, but just as you went to rescind your question and apologize, he responded to it. “I never really learned much about your work ethic. I knew you were good at it, or you wouldn’t be at the top. But I didn’t- your father was the one who told me that you need a top spot at the company. I think he meant what you’re doing now, but I offered for you to live with me instead when I talked to you about it.”

That wasn’t really super shocking to hear, to know that he said something positive about you behind your back. From what you had heard, he had done that same sort of thing to Kendall when he had a meeting with Josh Aaronson. It was because of a party you had gone to a few years back where you met Josh that gave you the ability to text and ask what happened. Not because you wanted to know what your father said about Kendall, but because over time you’ve become increasingly worried about your father’s health. Turns out, you had every right to be. “He never offered me CEO, did you know that?” You asked him, your fingers having left his stomach to casually toy with his fingers as your body started to cool down. “I mean, maybe he would have given it to me eventually, but maybe he wouldn’t have.”

“I thought you didn’t want it?”

“I don’t, right now, I don’t.” You confirmed, but that didn’t mean that you didn’t want it in the past. “I wanted it when I was younger because I wanted his approval. I wanted to win because i believed that his approval was the same thing as his love. But now… now I don’t know anymore.”

Lukas contemplated for a moment, thinking about what he could possibly say that was going to be okay. He knew that he needed to be careful because you had just had your father die incredibly recently. It was important that he was mindful with his words, important that he didn’t say anything that was going to overstep any of your boundaries. “Last night you were talking about quitting, did you mean it?”

“Did I mean it…” You trailed off, thinking about what you wanted to say. You meant it, you meant that you were considering it and that maybe it would be a good option, but he wasn’t asking if you meant to say something about it, he was asking if you were genuinely hoping to quit. “I don’t know. I think, maybe, the poison of this company comes from working so close to the rest of my family. If Ken gets what he wants, he’ll probably keep me in the same job I’m in now. I’ll stay, probably. If you get what you want? Maybe working with you will be better than working here, maybe I’ll be happier.”

The response really didn’t say as much as anyone would ever hope it would. Because that wasn’t much of an answer. If Kendall wins the vote, he’s going to be in control of the company. Maybe he’ll keep Roman as his co-CEO but after his breakdown at the funeral you doubt that’s going to happen. Kendall has no reason to push you out of the company, you’ve been unwaveringly loyal to him your entire life and you told him outright that he deserves the position at the wake. But now you’re just not so sure. You want him to be happy, he’s your brother and he hardly ever smiles. But that happiness might not come from the company. Leaving him, though, would be a bad option. It would hurt him if you left the second he got control, so you would have to find something else. Maybe wait a few months, or a few years, and then try something new. But that would mean not being with Lukas, and right now, you have no intention of continuing to travel to Sweden every time you want to see your boyfriend.

“What if you lose? What if you lose, and I can’t leave here because my brother has suicidal tendencies?”

“What if I win and you can’t leave because your brother has suicidal tendencies?”

“Great fucking question.” There weren’t a lot of options for you. Bring Kendall to Sweden? That won’t work. But, if he does win the board meeting maybe he won’t be suicidal just because he’s not working with any of his siblings. Maybe he’ll just be satisfied that he’s in the same position that he always wanted to be in. On top of the world, leading the company, maybe it just won’t matter to him. But that thought isn’t much brighter than him losing and killing himself, because that would mean that he’s completely become your father. That he’s alone. With his children no longer speaking to him, a divorce from Rava being finalized, and his siblings either pushing away from him or, in your case, moving to Sweden to be happy. Nothing seemed like a good option, and maybe it was better if you just didn’t worry about it for the time being. “I don’t wanna think about that shit, it gives me anxiety.”

“Shower?” He questioned, running his hand through your hair in a way that made your chest flutter. You were sure that you needed one, you had just had sex, you tried to shower every day, and you didn’t actually shower yesterday because you spent the night prior with your brother.

“Please.” You responded, standing up and taking his hand. He didn’t need to ask where the bathroom was, or where the lightswitch was, or whether or not you had things for him in there. Over time, you had acquired a collection of his things in your bathroom, things that you knew that he was going to need when he came over, because even though he was a little bit of a Stockbro, he still liked being clean.

You grabbed some clean towels from the cabinet, letting him turn the water on because he was well aware of what temperature you were willing to shower in. You couldn’t help but watch him once you turned around, the way that he looked when he was adjusting the temperature, how tall and angelic he looked just standing there. He really was rather perfect, at least in your eyes. Maybe you only thought that he was so beautiful because you loved him, maybe it was something else. But it didn’t matter what it was, because you got to look at him whenever you wanted.

“How did you feel about my mom?” You asked, stepping into the shower with him not too far behind you. Lukas waited until you were already ready to step under the water, your fingers running through your hair as you got it damp. In theory, you definitely should have brushed your hair before you got in, but you weren’t thinking about it.

“I thought she seemed kind of… distant.” He was definitely weighing his words, not knowing what he could say without offending you.

“Distant? She’s definitely distant.” But he already knew that. He knew that she didn’t interact with you very much, that she didn’t even seem to think of you very often unless she absolutely had to. “But what did you think? Can you tolerate her?”

That question said a lot. You were essentially asking him if he was comfortable enough with her that he would be okay with her being a member of his family because of you. It wasn’t like you were proposing to him in the shower or something, but even if you didn’t get married, you weren’t planning on leaving each other. It was important to ask him if he was comfortable with her. “I can tolerate her.” He confirmed, stepping behind you to allow the water to coat his body as well. You let him wrap his arms around you, your head falling back against him as the water started to drip down his body, down his face and onto yours. It was nice being this close, but it was also overwhelming.

“Good, yeah, that’s good. Have I mentioned that I missed you? Like it felt like I haven’t seen you in months missed you?” It was sort of your fault that you had to miss him. You dodged him, avoided him, pretended that he wasn’t messaging you and destroyed a phone because you got so overwhelmed. To be clear, you were not the first person in your family to destroy a phone out of anger - now that she was officially a member of the family, that title went to Willa. But it was strange that it’s happened twice. Still, you were partially to blame for that, and you knew it. “I never want to do that again, that whole thing where we’re not talking. And it was mainly my fault, but… I just- we won’t do that again, right?”

“I fucking hope not?” He responded, pressing a kiss against your neck, against your cheek, your jaw. Despite the fact that you had just fucked him a few minutes ago, you could feel yourself beginning to earn for more of his touch again. You didn’t notice his hand trailing down your body until his thumb was against your (rather sensitive) clit and two fingers were pushed inside of you.

“Fuck-” Your body fully leaned against his, the water against your skin barely being noticed as you felt him pumping his fingers in and out of you. He was faster this time, a pace more akin to the one that you were used to. But it was uniquely him, it was everything that you knew about the way that he did this. Nothing felt right other than him, nothing felt like it was meant for you to have like he did.

“You seem tense, I just want to help out.” You were tense, today was going to be a big day and what happens in tomorrows board meeting is one hundred percent going to change the rest of your life. But it was easier to be relaxed when he was pumping his fingers in and out of you with his lips pressed against your neck. “And I wanted to make sure my cum stays inside of you.”

“So considerate.” But it was breathy, it was forced out of your mouth because the only thing you could really focus on was how good he was making you feel, how well he took care of your body because he knew what made you tick. “You can cum in me as much as you want to.”

The thing was, you really did want to implore. You wanted to know if he was doing this because he was interested in starting a family and didn’t know how to communicate that. You might not be opposed to that if the two of you talked about it, but you were probably going to have to go to therapy and work through your childhood trauma before you brought a child into the world. Whether or not that was the case, you had no idea. You just knew that your birth control was working over time with him, and even then it wasn’t fool proof. Sometimes, if you got worried, you would take Plan B. You’d take pregnancy tests constantly to make sure that you hadn’t made a mistake, but what if you wanted to go off of the birth control and get rid of your supply of morning after pills? You hadn’t really considered it, but now it was all you could consider.

“You’d be a hot dad.” You mumbled, not even really thinking about what you were saying. Your brain was so fried by having already cum twice, and being pleasured for the third time this morning.

“Is that what turns you on? You’re a little sick.”

“Fuck off, it’s a compliment. Tell me I’d be a MILF.”

“I only know what that means because of Twitter.” Right, he’s not American. But he does have Twitter, and he’s pretty prominent on it so he must have learned it from somewhere. “But you’d be a hot fucking MILF.”

What were you even talking about right now? Was this your way of communicating that you wanted to have his babies or something? Were you just talking to talk because you hadn’t been able to speak to each other in a mature and adult way in days? Not that you would call this mature or adult, but it was at least a normal conversation with the two of you instead of whatever fighting had been going on before.

It didn’t really matter, though. Because his fingers were getting faster, more aggressive, and your moans were echoing throughout the bathroom while you did your best to keep your body upright against him. He was warm, and everything was becoming slippery and wet in the shower. And his mouth was hot against your neck, everything was so overwhelming and you couldn’t stop yourself from reaching your third climax. It was wearing you out a little bit, but not enough that you were complaining. You were having a great time getting absolutely destroyed by him, and you could only hope that this was going to be a normal occurrence for the two of you after today.

Eventually, you opened your eyes again and turned around to face him. To see the darkened look in his eyes, but your eyes roamed lower. He, as you would expect, had gotten hard again from what you were doing. Well, more like what he was doing and what you were participating in. “You could fuck me again, if you wanted?”

“Could you handle that?” He questioned, moving his arm behind you to grab your tube of shampoo. Whether or not you could handle it was something you were uncertain of, because you were already beginning to get a bit tired out and you still had the entire rest of the day ahead of you. “Hey, it’s okay.” He placed his pointer finger under your chin, ensuring that you were still looking at him. “We have the rest of our lives, we don’t have to do it all in one day.”

“But I want you to feel good.” You complained, your hand trailing down his body. “I like it when you feel good.”

“I’ll be fine.” He didn’t give you much room to try and make him go back on that, pouring some shampoo into his hands and setting the bottle back down. Sometimes, the two of you showered together. It was always incredibly intimate, and it was usually involving him cleaning you at least a bit. But right now he seemed more gentle with it, he seemed like he just wanted to be there for you but you weren’t surprised by that. Everything this morning had been more gentle than usual.

Maybe it was because the both of you didn’t like being apart, or maybe it was because you knew that you couldn’t remain in this isolated moment forever, but you were a lot more touchy. A lot more willing to clean each other off, to help each other out, when in reality what you were doing was definitely a lot for any relationship. But he knew how to wash your hair, he knew how long you liked to keep your conditioner in for and that you only liked to wash your body with clean towelettes. He knew that you would sometimes wash your face in the shower, and you couldn’t help but feel like melting as you let him wash your face, his eyes never leaving you, paying great attention to making sure that you didn’t have any left over mascara in your lashes before helping you rinse it all off.

It probably was more soft than either of you deserved after what you had been doing the last few days. After the horrible things he said in Tweets, to your brothers, about your brothers, and the fact that he definitely could have been doing more to reach out to you. After the horrible things that you did to hurt him, to get back at him and punish him for things that deep down you knew he never did. In reality, you knew this time that you were spending together this morning was limited, that the moment you stepped out of this apartment you were going to have to face the issues that you were ignoring and that it was going to cause conflict in some way, shape or form. Maybe that conflict would be you feeling unable to leave because of Kendall’s suicidal tendencies, or maybe it would be something else. But you knew that this utopia you were creating, this peaceful paradise, was just a lavender haze.

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter, because as you cleaned his hair, and helped him shave the five o’clock shadow that was forming on his face, you refused to believe that you weren’t going to make it out of this. You’ve been through so much together, and if he ends up taking the company and you have to stay back to take care of Kendall, you doubted that was going to ruin things for you. You’d been long-distance before, and you were sure that he would understand why you couldn’t go back with him immediately.

There were two conflicting thoughts going on in your brain. One side of your brain seemed to be under the impression that if you didn’t go home with him as quickly as you could, you wouldn’t last. But what did that say about you? About both of you? Was your current reunion so fragile that it would be broken by you staying in New York for a few months? But the other part of you believed that everything was going to be okay, because you felt at ease. Nothing was really bothering you because you weren’t letting it. Your brain was no longer cloudy or foggy. For the first time in the past week, you could see everything clearly - and that alone was going to guide you through the next two days.

As you exited the shower and wrapped yourselves in the towels that you had set out, you moved toward the edge of the sink so you could take care of your hair while he brushed his teeth. You weren’t entirely sure when Lukas had started leaving his toothbrush here, but sometimes when you missed him you liked to try and translate the Swedish words on the tube of toothpaste that he would leave. You’d learned some of the language over the time that you’d been together, but not very much. At some point, you wanted to learn more, especially if you were going to be living together there.

“I have to go back to work soon, are you coming with me?” He asked, spitting the toothpaste out of his mouth before grabbing the bottle of mouthwash. It was probably more domestic than you would give it credit for that you were just casually getting ready together in the morning, but it wasn’t the first time you’d done this.

“I’d love to, but I don’t think I can.” You responded, finishing up with your hair before moving beside him to grab your own toothbrush. “I have to be in the office today, I don’t really think there’s any other option with it being such an important day. Even if I plan on abstaining.”

“Have you ever abstained in a meeting before?” He asked, rinsing his mouth out while you began brushing your teeth. The answer to his question was yes, you had abstained in a board meeting before. Only once, but it was probably one of the worst things that you ever had to do when it came to work.

“Yes.” You responded, not knowing what else to day. You had been thinking about the Vote of No Confidence a lot this morning. It was one of the worst things that you’ve ever had to do, and the reason that you partially blame yourself for the death of your father. “My brother held a Vote of No Confidence for my father after his first incident. He ended up phoning in, that’s what I was telling you about, but it went badly, and I abstained after telling him I’d vote for him.”

“Why?”

“Because he wasn’t there, and my father was staring at me like he was never going to speak to me again if I sided with Kendall.” Rinsing your mouth out, you grabbed your face lotion from the shelf beside the sink and started to spread it on your face. “I wasn’t just siding with Ken because he’s my brother, I was siding with him because I genuinely believed that remaining at the company would kill my father.”

“Do you- you don’t blame yourself, do you?”

As much as you would rather not say it outloud, you were trying to be completely honest with him about everything. You didn’t want to lie to him because dishonesty was something that had caused a ripple in your relationship in the past. If you were fully transparent with him, he would be fully transparent with you, and that was the only way that this was going to work. “I do blame myself. I blame myself because I knew it would kill him and I couldn’t do the right thing. Even after he almost collapsed taking a hike, I still couldn’t ask him to step down.”

Lukas didn’t really know how to respond to that, to the knowledge that you seemed to blame yourself for your father dying. He turned to look at you, taking your face into his hands as you looked at him. You weren’t crying, you didn’t look like you were about to cry, you had just silently accepted that you were at fault for the death of your father. That was a lot worse than crying about it. “You didn’t kill your father, he was just a-”

“A prick? You already said it, and you were right. He didn’t listen to anyone.”

“You know he didn’t listen to anyone, then why would he listen to you?” He responded, watching you try to process what he was saying but you knew that he was only partially right.

“I had the chance to help him with that vote, we all did, and we did nothing.” He didn’t look pleased to hear you say something like that, but you stopped him from speaking before he could say anything else. “It’s okay, Lukas. I know I fucked up, but we all fucked up. Kendall wasn’t really doing it to save dad, he was doing it because he saw an opportunity. If he was in it for dad, maybe things would’ve gone differently.”

“I-”

“Do you hear that?” You hadn’t really been listening to the noises coming from your bedroom for a while, so the sound of your phone seemingly ringing off of the hook at five-thirty in the morning wasn’t something that you expected to hear. Leaning over, you pressed a kiss against his cheek before moving to check who was calling you. “Put some aftershave on, I should have some in my cabinet.”

“Why do you have men’s aftershave?”

“Connor’s.” You responded, not thinking much of it. He didn’t spend the night with you very much, and he never seemed to shave anymore. But one time he spent the night with you because you didn’t spend enough time together and you wanted to have a sleepover with your brother. It was before your father’s collapse, before things went from bad to worse in your life, and thinking about it was just going to remind you of how different you had been years ago. How carefree you were, and now… now everything was shattered. But you were more of an adult, you were pushing thirty, and you had to lose that carefree attitude at some point.

As you grabbed the phone, you furrowed your eyebrows upon seeing Roman’s name on the screen. You had anticipated Kendall considering that he was undoubtedly going to go hard for this board meeting and doing everything possible to ensure that he got what he wanted, but Roman? The realization that you had received a text from Shiv that you hadn’t noticed didn’t strike you until you answered the phone and scrolled through your notifications. Nobody knew where Roman was, but now he was calling you. Odd.

“Rome? Where are you?” You questioned, putting him on speaker so you could get dressed while you spoke to him. Whatever happened to him last night couldn’t have been good if Shiv was asking you if you knew where he was, but that only made you feel worse. You hadn’t been there for very long, so if something did happen it was more than likely after you left. Knowing that he was as emotional as you had been, if not more emotional, maybe you should have been willing to stay a little later just to make sure that he was okay.

“I’m just calling so you don’t think someone broke into your apartment.” Wha- Oh. The sound of someone entering filled your ears. Roman was one of the few people that had unlimited access to your apartment, so he could get in without your approval - all of your siblings could. The only non-family member with the same privilege is Lukas.

“Yeah, I’m getting dressed. Just give me a few minutes.” You ended the call, quickly getting yourself dressed and turning to face Lukas who entered the bedroom just as soon as you turned to find him.

“What’s up?”

“Apparently Roman’s here.” You responded, making sure you looked okay in the mirror. You’d chosen a simple pair of plaid trousers with a black turtle-neck and a matching blazer - though you weren’t actively hoping to cover the hickey on your neck because you were embarrassed that he had left it there, you were supposed to be getting dressed for work. Putting your shoes on, you turned to watch as Lukas grabbed some of the clothing of his that he had been keeping with you incase he needed it. You’d amassed quite the collection of his clothing, but if all went well, you would soon be sharing a living space (and closet space).

“Right now?”

“Right now.” Lukas checked to make sure his hair was dry before walking over to where you were standing. His hand was on your hip, your hand instinctively moving to rest on his face. You loved looking at his face, being able to touch him, being able to stand so close to him and not wonder if you were just going to end up arguing because that was all you had the capacity to do. You felt at ease with him right now, as at ease with him as you had been in the past, if not more so because he had told you how he feels about you.

“When you finish work, do you want me to come here?” He asked, pulling you a bit closer. Moving closer, you let yourself be almost against him fully. Your heart fluttered a bit at the sight of him leaning into your touch and the knowledge that he was willing to come here once he had all of his work done for the day. It served as a reminder that this wasn’t just a one night thing, he wanted this to stay how it was. “I’ll be late, I have a meeting with Tom tonight.”

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that.” You responded, but you really weren’t sure. Knowing Kendall, he wasn’t above having everyone important stay at the office overnight just to make sure that the most work possible was done (more realistically, probably just so he has company during what could be the Eleventh Hour of his tenure at the company). But that wasn’t the only thing that was holding you back from outright saying yes to him. “I don’t know, my mom wants my siblings and I to come to some family getaway with her in Barbados. Nobody else is going for it but who knows.”

“The night before the board meeting?”

“She’s probably used to big board meetings.” You stated, though you didn’t remember much of that. There was more than likely a time that something like this was normal for her, knowing all about this stuff by proxy of your father. But times had changed, and that connection had changed, and you were rather young throughout most of that. “I’ll try to be home tonight, but I’m never gonna turn down a sleepover with the sibs. Maybe next time you can come.”

“Someone would murder me in my sleep.”

“They’re just gonna have to get used to you, not everything has to be about business.” He didn’t stop you from moving over to kiss him, finally pulling you flush against him.

It felt warm and comforting to be able to be with Lukas again, everything about him felt warm. His smell, his presence, his voice and his accent. Even if he could be a cold and mean person, something about him just made you feel warm inside. Maybe that was what love was, feeling comfortable with someone even if they tend to make everyone else uncomfortable. And maybe that was why you could feel at ease. Because things had gone wrong between the two of you, and often times there was another shoe that just hadn’t dropped whenever something good happened in your life, but who was to say that was going to happen again?

Pulling back, you didn’t move your face very far away from his before speaking again. “Can you do me a favor and burn that jacket that you wore to the party?”

“What? Why?”

“It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s so cool-”

“It made me want to gauge my eyes out. My dad might have considered going back on the entire acquisition if he saw you wearing that.” You couldn’t help but smile with him, take in the way that he looked when he was entertained by a conversation. You’d seen it all before, but you’d missed it more than you could ever know. There was something so sick about the fact that this business was a big reason your relationship had been impacted so harshly, but it was also the reason that you met.

Reaching the door with him was difficult. You knew your brother was there, you knew he was going to have to say about you seemingly making up after everything happened. But the reality is that you’re well aware that this is going to take work. You might be in a temporary honeymoon phase right now, but you had been through a lot and you were going to have to spend a longer time talking through it. All you could hope for was honesty, because that was the one thing that you knew was going to ensure this relationship worked. Just because you loved him, didn’t mean that you were an idiot. If he was dishonest with you after you’d confessed everything to him, you couldn’t just move past that. But you believed he was being honest.

Stopping to look at him one last time, you reciprocated a chaste kiss that he pressed to your mouth. “I’ll let you know, okay? Five at the latest.”

“I love you, see you later.”

“I love you too.” You couldn’t stop listening to him say that to you, and the fact that he had said it first meant a lot to you. But you knew your brother was watching from the way Lukas got a lot more awkward as he left, and as you turned around to glance at your couch you were well aware of the incoming conversation - but that wasn’t your biggest concern. “Is that fucking blood?!”

“Since when is that a thing again? Do you respect yourself?” You tried your best to ignore that, moving into your kitchen to grab the first aid kit that you kept under the sink for when you had your cooking accidents (which was common). You didn’t have anything for stitches, but you did have gauze that would just have to be okay until you could get him somewhere that would be able to stitch him up.

“Yes, I respect myself. Why are you bleeding.”

“Because I went to a protest.” Sitting down beside him, you grabbed the gauze and medical tape from your kit and started dabbing away some of the dipping blood.

“Are you serious? You went to a protest? What the hell is wrong with you? The call is coming from inside the house, Roman. We got him elected.” Though you spoke like you should be blaming him for this, a part of you wondered if he knew that. If he was fully aware that he was going to get hurt if people recognized him, if maybe he had been spurring it on. All he ever knew was physical abuse, all he got as a child when he messed up was physical abuse. Now, he ruined his chances of ever being respected on that podium, and maybe he believed that the best option for him to get hurt was by self-harming through someone else hurting him.

“Don’t talk like your decisions are fucking perfect, why are you fucking Matsson again? Do you not remember the shit he did-”

“I do remember, Roman, but I’ve done some fuckass shit in the last few days too. Shit you don’t know about. We fucked up, that doesn’t mean I hate him.” You hated having to explain this to him, because it was difficult to explain to anyone. Especially because Roman, unlike your sister, has absolutely no idea about the worst thing you did. Though you valued honesty above all else, you knew just as well as your sister did that Roman would only complicate things. He had a way of never keeping his mouth shut, and this really had nothing to do with him. “Who did this to you?”

“A protester, it doesn’t matter.” He seemed so empty inside, so dejected. It was better than him going ahead and actually harming himself, but it only made you more worried about what he could possibly want from you. You were the only sibling with a gun in your home, and now Roman was here. Sitting in the same place that held a weapon that he could use to hurt himself.

“Wanna stay the fuck out of my bedroom, Romey?”

“I’m not gonna shoot myself.”

“Uh-huh.” You couldn’t seem to get the cut above his eye to stop bleeding, and his eyes themselves were incredibly bloodshot. He looked like he needed eyedrops and stitches and everything that you just didn’t have right now. He came to you for a reason, maybe it wasn’t because he wanted to investigate your gun, maybe it was just because it was always you that patched up his wounds. Once your mother was out of the picture that responsibility fell onto you. Even if you didn’t understand why he was being hurt until you were older, it was still you. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there last night, I got distracted.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“Listen, I know you don’t like him-”

“Not Matsson, you told me you hated Mencken and now he can only tolerate you? Did he even make fun of you for crying?”

“He did, actually.”

“Yeah, but he gave you a hug.”

“Jesus. Did you come here to scold me for making friends? Don’t be like dad.” You hated having to talk to him like this, but he was acting like a child. He wanted comfort, he wanted someone to care for him, but it was almost like he was just trying to say something to piss you off so you would hit him too. He seemed to believe that he deserved the pain that he endured as a child, and you wished more than anything that you could just outright tell him that he didn’t. The haphazardly placed gauze with medical tape over it was just going to have to be okay for him until you could get him somewhere better. “You need stitches, so-”

“Let’s go to Barbados.”

“Right now? Ken needs us.”

“Maybe Ken needs you, but he doesn’t need me. Let’s just go to Barbados, I’m sure he’ll find out we’re there anyway.” You knew why he was asking, he came to you for the support he needed and all he got was you making up with Lukas and not being as depressed as he was right now. He wanted that comfort from his mother, but you weren’t quite sure if you were willing to go right now. “Or fucking stay.”

Technically, you had been considering going to begin with. You hardly ever got to see your mother and it would be nice to get away when you had been stuck dealing with this mess all week. But you wanted to go with your other siblings too, you didn’t want to just run off without saying anything to Shiv or Kendall, that felt wrong and mean. But Roman needed you right now, and just as Kendall sent you a message asking if he knew where Roman was, you made up your mind. “Yes, I’ll go with you to Barbados.”

“Please don’t tell Kendall.” He had seen him messaging you. Well, technically, he saw ‘KennyKen’ messaging you, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who that was.

“Roman-”

“Please?” He looked so innocent right now, so childlike and desperate and the only thing you could do was concede to what he wanted.

“Fine, but I’m telling him that I know where you are. Is your driver still here to get us to the jet?”

“Yeah.”

“A bit presumptuous. Okay.” Opening up your messages, you let Kendall know that you knew where Roman was and that you were with him now. You also let him know that you were hoping that you would be able to get him to the office today, but that he wasn’t doing very well and you were worried he was going to do something rash. While you didn’t expose where you were going with Roman, you also didn’t say anything that would make you out to be a liar. Even if you were just trying to keep a promise to Roman, who seemed like he needed someone to be loyal to him right now, you also never liked being dishonest with Kendall if you didn’t have to be. Really, you didn’t like being dishonest with anyone if you didn’t have to be, it cheapened the relationship for if you lied for no reason.

As you made your way out to the car with Roman, Kendall sent another message to you letting you know that he understands. Whether or not he’s just saying this to be amenable to you, you’re unclear. But it’s his next message that captures your attention. He asks if you’ve changed your mind about the vote since he noticed that you left the gathering around the same time as Lukas.

Though you wonder if this is a situation in which you should lie, you glance toward Roman as you feel the cold fall air hitting your skin. “Ken’s asking me about the meeting tomorrow, do you mind if I call him?”

“Seriously?”

“It’s not about you, I need to tell him that I’m abstaining.”

“That’s gonna go well.”

“Yeah, sure. Just give me a minute?” Roman got into the car, letting you shut the door while you pressed the call option on your messages with Kendall. He answered quicker than you would have anticipated, and you almost wished that you had just called him from the car because you knew that he could hear the city noise from the speaker. “Ken, hey, I just wanted to be fully honest with you about where I’m at with the vote.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re voting yes.” There was a hint of betrayal and hurt in his voice and you hated it, you hated the idea of having someone (especially one of your siblings) feeling hurt by you. But it was especially tough with Kendall, because you knew his self-worth was incredibly fragile.

“I’m not, but I’m not voting no either.” You responded, glancing down at the ground. “I think I have to abstain. I was talking to my lawyer last night and she believes that it might look really bad if people know that I’m voting for you or Lukas, considering that I have personal stake in it. Frank thinks the same, you can ask him but… I’ve been really rash this week? And I’ve been super immature, and I just want to make the mature decision. But this isn’t to hurt you, I think you deserve to be CEO, but me voting would hurt that.”

That was a lie, kind of. He does deserve to be CEO, he’s fought endlessly for CEO and if anyone deserves the title it should be him and not Tom, but you just don’t want him to have it. It could kill him to have it, but it could kill him not to have it. “You’re probably right, it’ll make us look weak and people might question our leadership. You’ll still help me get people to support our side though, right?”

“Of course, yeah.”

“Are you fucking Matsson again?” That was an incredibly out of pocket question, but you understood his curiosity. The fact that he even noticed you leaving to begin with wasn’t very shocking considering that he was watching everything and everyone like a hawk because he’s trying to make his power move.

“I am, yes.”

“If he does anything-”

“I’ll cut him off, Ken. I’m not- I’m not like I’ve been all week, I feel strangely at peace. If he fucks me over, I’ll end things. You’ll- You won’t, um, you’ll be there for me, right?”

“I always am.” He wasn’t always there for you. You were struggling after that Living+ presentation and he wasn’t there for you because he was on top of the world, but he sounded genuine, and you wanted to believe him.

“Okay, I’ll try to have Roman to the office today but he’s hurt. Physically, he’s bleeding and he needs stitches.”

“What the fuck-”

“I’ll tell you later, I’m taking care of it.”

“Fine, yeah, uh, see you later.”

“Right, love you, bye.” A part of you really wanted to unpack that conversation, to take notice of the fact that Kendall was only okay with you abstaining if you were okay with making sure that people were going to support him. In a perfect world, he would have just respected your decision and understood that you were doing what was best, but that wasn’t going to happen. As much as you loved him, he could be incredibly selfish when it came to accomplishing his goals. But you also knew that wasn’t entirely his fault. Like the rest of you, his issues were a product of your upbringing and the way that your father made you feel, the way that he formed you all.

Maybe you would take more time to think about that later, but right now you really just needed to get in the car because you knew that Roman was waiting for you and you knew that he was worried you were going to end up saying something that he would really rather you not say. Opening the door, you spared one more glance to the city that you were running from to go to a warmer place with your brother before sitting down.

“Thought you changed your mind.”

“Nah.”

“Did he disown you?”

“He did not.” You responded, but he would if he knew the full truth. You probably wouldn’t do very much to convince people to side with him, because a large part of your brain was telling you not to. Telling you that Kendall would be better off without your help, but another part of you just felt guilty. In reality, it was best that you weren’t voting, and best that you were going to Barbados, because you didn’t have to worry about anything else. “You’re going to come home tomorrow, right?”

“You can.”

“Roman-”

“I don’t know.” He wasn’t being very helpful right now, and you probably shouldn’t expect him to be. Roman was never like this, this sort of quiet depression was something that you got from Kendall all the time, but it was never something that you got from Roman. He was wounded, and sad, and it looked like his eyes burned from the way that he kept blinking. You wanted to help him, to do something that was going to make him feel less depressed, but there really was very little that you could do. Everything that you could do, you were doing, and still you wondered if it was going to be enough.

It may have been best to tell him that he’s more than likely obligated to be at the board meeting tomorrow since he’s one of the CEO’s right now, but it wasn’t what seemed best in your mind. What seemed best was ignoring the topic until he was in a better headspace, until you felt like you could actually talk to him about this without making him spiral. It felt a little bit like you were walking on eggshells with him right now, and there was very little that you could actually do to help him. In all of your years together, you had never really seen him like this.

“Does mom know that we’re coming?”

“She knows that I’m coming, I can tell her you’re coming.” While he messaged her to inform her that you would be joining him in Barbados, you messaged Lukas to let him know that you probably wouldn’t be home tonight. As much as you wanted to believe that this was going to be just a few hours, and that you would be back in the office and there to support Kendall as quickly as possible, it felt like it was going to take all day. There was no way around it, and you knew that. You did add on that you would let him know if anything changed, though.

Lukas responded back rather quickly, letting you know that it was okay and sending a goofy little picture of him. You missed his pictures, you missed being able to see him when you were apart, but you didn’t really want to be apart from him any longer. He had made it clear that once this whole mess was over, you weren’t going to have to be away from each other like you have been in the past. Responding in turn with a picture of you sitting in the car, you almost felt kike everything was going to be alright.

Sure, you were dealing with your very mentally unstable brother and just getting over a rough patch in your relationship. Of course, your father had just died and your biggest concern about tomorrow’s board meeting was that it would make your brother try to jump off the top of the building and not what it meant to you. Obviously there were a lot of things that should be concerning you right now, but even with all of those things in the back of your mind, something about where you were at right now just made you feel like everything was going to work out in the end.

The rest of the ride was pretty much spent the same way, with you on the phone texting back and fourth with Lukas, trying to ignore the urges that you had to scroll up and read all of the messages that you wished you never sent to each other. It felt natural to be speaking with him again, like you should have been speaking to him to begin with. But maybe it was best that it happened this way, maybe it was because that you went through something and came back together anyway. All you really want is for you both to be able to love each other properly, and you truly hope that all of this mess means that you’re going to be able to do just that.

By the time you arrived at the jet, you were somewhat glad that you had gotten up so early. It was only six in the morning, by the time you got to where you were going it would still be before noon. That meant that you might have time to make it back home before nightfall, maybe even before Lukas finishes his dinner with Tom so you can spend another night together. Maybe, you would be able to make it back in time to go to the office and do something to help out, even though you weren’t sure what you were going to help with. The best you could offer was ensuring that Roman showed up at the board meeting tomorrow, though you weren’t even sure that he wanted to vote anymore.

The flight was rather silent. Sometimes Roman would show you that he had seen on his phone, sometimes he would just say absolutely nothing and stare out of the plane window. You wished that there was something that you could for him, that you could comfort him or tell him that it wasn’t his fault that he got emotional at the funeral. But you knew there was nothing that you could say that would help him. He was going to continue acting like everything that happened was entirely his fault, and the best thing you could do for him was get him to your mother because she had always had a soft spot for Roman. She might not care all that much for the rest of you, but she had always been a lot kinder to Roman than she was to any of you. Maybe it was because he was so fragile, or maybe it was because he was being wounded physically more than anyone else. You understood why it couldn’t be you, since your father made it rather hard for her to feel bad for you. But it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter if she didn’t care all that much for the rest of you right now, because this wasn’t about you. This was about Roman, and what you could do to help him. This was about making sure that he was going to be okay, and that he wasn’t going to do something like run out into a group of protesters that was directly attacking him and what he did again.

Even with your guilt towards Roman, you were enthralled in your messages with Lukas. It was nice to cover up the bad times, not have to wonder what would happen if you just scrolled one time and saw something that you didn’t like. Maybe trying to ignore what happened was the worst possible answer to your problems, but it was better than being worried about it all the time. It was better than allowing your entire relationship to be solely focused on the issues that happened between you. And it felt good to be able to speak to him again, to have him in your life in a positive way. To receive pictures of him, to hear his thoughts and to hear him ask what you’re up to.

For the past week, you’ve allowed everything that’s going on to plague your mind. You’ve looked at him differently because of things that you didn’t truly think he did to begin with, and you never want to end up in that situation again. It wasn’t pleasant, it didn’t make you feel good, and it was probably one of the worst things that you’ve done to someone before - especially someone that you love.

But the truth is, you both messed up. Neither one of you was really in the right, because he shouldn’t have allowed business to come first and he should have realized something was truly wrong the night that you refused to come share his bed in Norway. He shouldn’t have seen your smeared mascara the morning after and chalked it up to you sleeping funny. But he acknowledged that he was wrong for that, and he acknowledged that he should probably have been telling you that he loved you before you planned a date to announce your relationship. He was being honest with you, and his honesty is all you could ask for from him.

As you got close to landing, you excused yourself to the small bedroom on the jet so you could call Lukas. He picked up after half a ring, his face appearing on your screen as you sat down on the edge of the bed. “I just wanted to let you know that I’ll probably be turning my phone off or putting it somewhere when we get there, she wants this to be like a retreat and I really don’t wanna worry about the board meeting right now.”

“If you go swimming, could you turn your phone on and send me a picture?”

“Of me swimming?”

“Yeah.”

“Pervert, I’ll consider it.”

“Aren’t you the person who has twenty pictures of my dick on your phone?”

“Yeah, well, you have titty and pussy pics on your phone so I think I have you outnumbered.” You both had more than that. When you couldn’t FaceTime and you were both horny you would send each other pornographic videos of yourselves masturbating. It was just a thing you did, but you wouldn’t have to do that anymore. “I have to go, I think, have fun with your paperwork.”

“I will.” He seemed a bit more confident than he did before, and you almost wanted to ask him if that meant that he was securing more votes than your brother was. But you didn’t. You didn’t ask him, because you really did not want to hear about business right now. Just because you had been apprehensive to come on this trip, didn’t mean that you couldn’t see the value in it. The value in escaping the issues that were plaguing you, if only for a little while. It didn’t really mean that you were running away, at least not in your eyes. It was just going to put you in a more relaxed frame of mind.

As you bid each other your farewells until you would look at your phone again, you slid the device into your back pocket and took your seat across from Roman. The plane was beginning to get lower, closer to the island.

“Excited to see Peter?” You questioned, Roman seemed to have nearly forgot that he was going to be seeing Peter from the look on his face. You had no real issue with Peter. He had kind of contributed to your siblings being fucked over in Italy, but he was the kind of silly grifter that you wished Tom could have been.

“So excited.” He said back, glancing down at his phone as he waited for the jet to land. The closer you got to land, the more you took into account the shining sun and the blue skies. Neither of you were dressed appropriately for the weather, but at least you were just wearing something a bit too warm. Roman was wearing his suit from the night before, the one that had blood stains on it from whatever happened to him during those protests. Where you had changed after the funeral, and even taken a shower, he was just wearing the same thing that he was wearing yesterday.

There were a lot of times that you felt like you were more emotional and less mature than Roman, mainly because you were younger than him and constantly under the wing of your father. He babied you for a long time, very recently, in fact. He really only stopped babying you because you started sleeping with Lukas and his attempts to keep you from making any mistakes had clearly failed. But sometimes you felt like you were of the same maturity level as Roman despite all that. Maybe it was because you were constantly goofing around with each other, giggling on the sidelines and creating messes that you had no business creating. You were partners in crime, and you grew up to be the two most outwardly emotional people in the family - for the most part, Kendall had his moments, Connor seemed to bottle everything up, and Shiv hardly ever had outbursts.

Right now, though, you felt like you were the older sibling. Like you were being tasked with taking care of Roman because he came to you for help, the same way that you’re sure each of your siblings have felt this week towards you at some point. Maybe the fact that you had relied on them for support said enough, made you both on the same level, or maybe the fact that your episode was over and it seemed like his was just beginning was what did that. He just needed something, or someone, to pull him out of this. But where you had a Swedish boyfriend, a fascist best friend, and Kendall still seemed to like you just fine, Roman had very little to pick him back up. You needed to be that person for him, because you knew there was nobody else that was going to put business aside for him.

Stepping outside of the jet, you were instantly bombarded with a wave of heat that you were not accustomed to anymore. Quickly taking the blazer from your body and draping it over your arm, you followed Roman into the car that was waiting for you. To be honest, you had no idea how far away this place was going to be from where you landed, you just knew that it didn’t much matter. All the extra driving time did for you was give you more time to think, more time to consider what exactly any of this meant.

Mainly, you needed time to try and figure out why you felt completely and utterly calm right now. You had been freaking out all week long, but one day before the vote that was going to change the course of your life, you felt fine. More fine than you had felt in a long time. You should be thinking about the vote, but you were thinking instead about how you should announce your relationship with Lukas. There had to be something to it. Being who you were, you had developed a taste for being a bit of a socialite in the city. As much of one as you could be with the guidance of your father, at least. It was why you got along so well with Naomi and Tabitha, and why you knew that it wasn’t going to be news to anyone in your circle. You’d spent hours looking online at all of the different people who had posted pictures of yourself and Lukas. Duexmoi, Reddit, Twitter, there were even a few edits on TikTok.

People knew, and you were glad they knew, but you didn’t want it to just be a rumor anymore and you knew that Lukas didn’t either. Maybe your relationship status and how you should publicly confirm it should be one of your last concerns right now since you probably weren’t going to worry about that until the day after tomorrow, when you had to announce in some way to the people who knew you that you were moving to Sweden. But for some reason, it was all you could think about. And, in truth, there was probably a good reason for that.

A text from Greg came through, reminding you that you had yet to turn your phone off. Realistically, you were probably going to leave it on incase there was an emergency and someone needed to reach you, but you’d probably just give it to Peter since you doubt you’re going to want to engage him in conversation for long enough to get your phone back any time soon. Opening your messages, you saw a picture of an article. It was the political cartoon of Shiv and Lukas that you had heard Oskar talking about over the phone, but it wasn’t the cartoon that interested you, but the brief mention of your alleged relationship with him.

“Oh for fucks sake.” You mumbled, of all the ways to frame it why did they have to bring up something like jealousy, as if that hadn’t been a big issue in your relationship. “They couldn’t even take the time to draw me too?”

Roman glanced over, looking at your phone and almost looking like he wanted to laugh as he read the caption, but he kept it to himself. “Maybe you should have fucked the President instead, like I suggested?”

Turning to glare at him, you sighed as you typed back a response to Greg. “Yeah, Roman, it would look a lot better for me if people believed that I was fucking a married man who I just helped get into the White House. That would look really good for me as a person.”

“I don’t know, I’m sure people are thinking something after you talked to him so much.” You sighed and shook your head. People could think whatever they wanted, but right now the only man you could bring yourself to think about was Lukas. Your response to Greg was a simple thank you, and normally it would have been more, but you just weren’t sure how to feel about him right now. It was nice that he seemed to like Lukas, because it felt like everyone in your family apparently hated him right now, and if they didn’t hate him they were just using him for personal gain. But, you just weren’t sure if you could trust him anymore.

It was one thing for him to hear that something happened between yourself and Tom because you knew that Tom told him things that he really had no business telling him, but to go around believing the way that he misled him and making Lukas temporarily think that you had sex with Tom? That was a lot, a lot for someone who you had shown kindness to when you really didn’t need to. Nobody was kind to Greg, not really. But he understood the references that you made to childhood shows, and it was nice to speak to someone your own age. But had you not offered the same kindness to Tom? Who hadn’t even really asked if you were okay after everything went down despite you giving an olive branch to him when your father publicly humiliated him, and when everyone was mocking him in Norway. It felt rare to find people to you could trust, and that pool seemed to be shrinking by the day.

Days ago, you might have spiraled about something like what was just sent to you. But right now, it was just a minor annoyance because you wanted to be the one to tell people about your relationship. It did annoy you that it came out this way, despite it being named ‘alleged’, and it did annoy you that people found out about it without your knowing. But your family were influential people in the city, and since Kendall’s drug crisis the media has been watching all of you like hawks. It just happened to make it worse that Lukas was a well-loved and respected tech giant that people didn’t expect to see him New York, much less frolicking around with a Roy.

Sighing and putting your phone back into your pocket, you watched out of the window as the car drove away from the jet. It looked beautiful here, but you shouldn’t expect any less. The unfortunate issue with the beauty of the island is the fact that you wouldn’t be able to find it within yourself to enjoy it if you had to worry about Roman the entire time. He couldn’t be left to his own devices if he was going to end up doing something harmful, but did you have to worry about that when he had come here to spend time with his mother? Sparing a glance toward him, you only saw the same look in his eyes that you’d been seeing since he first appeared on your couch this morning - absolute nothingness.

“I hate to ask, but are you still planning on voting tomorrow?” You questioned, watching him turn to look at you. “I’m not gonna force you either way, I just wanna know. I showed you my plan, you show me yours? I kinda just need people to be honest with me right now.”

He looked almost like he didn’t want to answer, because this was the same kind of question you asked him before, but it wasn’t really. You were asking because you needed to know that you could trust him, and you couldn’t trust him if he wasn’t going to be honest with you. “I might not, I haven’t decided.”

There were a lot of other things that you wanted to ask him. Whether or not he wanted to remain co-CEO, if he believed that wasn’t an option for him now because people were looking at him differently after the funeral. Someone, and you weren’t sure who, had leaked a video to the internet of him crying. It was degrading and mean, and you wished that you could do something to get it taken off of the internet. But the more you tried to scrub it, the more it was going to be passed around. The best thing you could do was try to let the situation blow over and hope that it doesn’t end up affecting Roman too badly. But… it wasn’t like he could go much lower than he was now.

Glancing back towards the window, you could feel the car beginning to slow down. It looked like you were getting close to your destination, and that both excited and scared you. You were excited to be here, to have Roman get the help he needed from the people he was choosing to get it from. But you were also nervous. You were nervous because you never talked a whole lot with your mother, and you knew that this probably wasn’t going to be any different from any other time that you’re interacted with her. Especially now that she’s met Lukas, and she knows that there’s something going on with yourself and the person currently trying to purchase your father’s company. It wasn’t like she had any rest to hate Lukas, you just presumed it would make you appear whoreish in her eyes.

As you felt the car parking you moved to unbuckle your seatbelt, sliding your phone into your back pocket so you could try to ignore it for the rest of the time that you were going to be here. For some reason, some part of you felt desperate to get away from it. To get away from the thing that was tethering you to the city and the deal, the thing that had been keeping you stressed for days.

Stepping out of the car, you felt bombarded by the heat again. But it wasn’t exactly unpleasant just because it had become unfamiliar, it was nice because it reminded you that you were somewhere other than the Waystar offices. It almost felt like a separation not just from the city and the people in it, and not just from the deal that was happening, but from everything that had happened in the last week or so. It felt like it was distancing you from the funeral that was held yesterday, from the election just the other day, from the death that you had to witness. But from the issues that you had with Lukas, too. The more you came to terms with the fact that it was just going to be yourself and Roman here, the more excited by that you became. Maybe you could both get away from business for a little while, since that was the thing that had been ruining everything in your lives more than anything else.

As you walked into the house, you were quickly greeted by the sight of your mother and Peter sitting on the couch, but whatever nice greeting they had been planning was completely shattered when you stepped off to the side so they could get a good look at your brother. “He’s going to need stitches above his eye, he didn’t seem to want to go to a hospital.”

It wasn’t like she fawned over him like a normal parent might, but it almost looked like everything from the past was coming back into your mother’s face. Shooing Peter away to go get the medical kit from under the sink, she told Roman to wait right where he was while she goes to find him something clean to wear. The both of you remain by the door, but where Roman didn’t even bother taking his shoes off, you hung your blazer off and removed your shoes to set in the shelf for them. Roman seemed to be too disconnected from anything to even take the blazer he was wearing off despite the heat that had to have been effecting his body by now.

With a sigh, you moved towards him so you could unbutton the blazer that was on him. He didn’t really question the help, though you were surprised that he didn’t reject it. Maybe he felt like there was nothing else he could do right now other than let people take care of him. Maybe he needed people to take care of him for him to feel good about himself, but when was the last time that Roman ever felt good about himself? Once you had the blazer off of him, you began to work on untying the tie that was still around his neck. It was looser than it had been yesterday, as though it was aching to come off, but you wouldn’t expect it to be tight considering what he had gone through.

As Peter and your mother came back with another man, who you assumed knew how to do stitches, you sat down on the couch while she gave Roman some clothing to change into. Watching the two of them sit across from you, you stared down at the floor. This was more awkward than you had anticipated, but the silence was broken by your mother’s words. “How did this happen?”

“He said he went to a protest.” You responded, looking back up at her, she almost looked disdainful, like it was somehow your fault that something had happened to Roman. “He came to my apartment this morning, I don’t really know anything else about what happened to him.”

Finally, that accusatory glare seemed to fade away. “You’re welcome to change as well, you must be overheating in that.”

“I’ll wait for Roman to get cleaned up.” That answer seemed to be satisfactory enough since it warranted a small smile, but the feeling that seeing something like that evoked made you call back to when you were a child. When all you really wanted was approval from your parents, and you never truly got it from either of them. Sometimes, your father would give you a proud smile when you did something right. Whether that right thing be hunting, or figuring something out that he couldn’t figure out. But that pride was few and far in between with him, with your mother it was almost non-existent. The few times she did smile at you, there was almost this feeling of relief that you knew would never last.

“I heard that you’re in a relationship with the man buying your company, are you supporting the acquisition?” Peter spoke from beside your mother, but it almost seemed like he was interested to know less about you as a person and more about the business. You couldn’t be shocked by that, but it did also peak the interest of your mother who must have been the person who told him about your relationship with Lukas.

“I’m abstaining tomorrow, it’ll look bad if I vote for or against him on paper.” And while that was the truth, it wasn’t the full truth. You had done something to help him when you told Mencken to support him, and you were fully aware of that. But it had very little to do with your feelings toward Lukas, and everything to do with your willingness to work with the President-Elect. He asked you for professional advice, and you gave it. He was always straight with you, even when the truth hurt to hear, so you returned the courtesy. Plus, you had grown increasingly worried about Kendall in the past few weeks.

The conversation about business lulled entirely when Roman came back into the room, sitting down beside you in his new outfit. What he was wearing looked like something that she had saved from when he was younger, but it only seemed fitting for him right now. He needed people to take care of him, and babying him might just be the only thing that’s going to make him not seek out pain. Of course, it might also make him feel more like a child and seek it out even more than he was before, but you highly doubt that anyone here would even consider hurting him physically.

Moving off of the couch, you helped Roman lay down so the man wearing medical gloves could remove the gauze from his head and clean his wound up. The moment Roman winced at the touch you kneeled beside him to hold onto his hand, though you wondered if he was going to reject this touch, he didn’t. He squeezed onto your hand while the rubbing alcohol was applied onto the wound, and while it was cleaned off.

This was all reminding you of your childhood. Your mother sitting behind Roman’s head and petting his hair, something she would never do for you, Kendall or Shiv. While you sit off to the side, supporting him because that’s all you know how to do. Support him, try and make everything okay even though you know that it’s never going to be okay for Roman. You wished that you could do more for him than you were right now, but as he held onto your hand tightly while the stitches started going into his skin, you knew that you were doing the absolute best thing that you could be doing by being here for him.

It was true that he had inflicted this upon himself, but it wasn’t really his fault. He did this because he felt like he needed to, because it was the only way that he believed that he could cope with what he did the day before. He felt like being emotional had been a huge mistake, and maybe his credibility had taken a hit, but that reaction wasn’t his fault either. All of you had been raised to believe that crying would lose you respect, that it made you look stupid and weak. While you got somewhat of a pass with people because you were a girl and younger than him, Roman got no leniency. People were shaming him for the same thing he had been shamed for his entire life, and it was clearly bringing him back to the past.

Sitting here made you feel like you should be doing so much more. Standing up to the people who continued to hurt him, trying to get him to go to therapy or do something to help himself. Maybe you could do all of that in the coming days, once everyone is no longer so focused on the deal. But right now, everyone in your life is putting their all into this board meeting, everyone except for yourself and Roman.

Once the stitches were in his skin and the blood had been cleaned up, you moved toward him and helped hold his face so he wouldn’t close his eyes while the eyedrops were being put in. It hurt to see him like this, it felt like every bit of progress that you believed had been made in your lives since childhood was just being undone right now. You had spent years doing this over and over again with Roman. Cleaning his wounds, wondering what really caused this to happen, thinking that you should be doing more. You thought that it would be over by now, since things did seem to be getting a bit better. But the death of your father and the ending of the talks of this deal were completely undoing every bit of progress that he had made. Where he was continuing to backslide, you were moving forward.

Maybe that was why he had come to you in particular. Maybe he believed that you would still be just like him. Manic, depressed, making horrible decisions because that’s all that you know how to do. But you weren’t just like him anymore. You had managed to find what felt like inner peace within yourself, something that you couldn’t fully define. But Roman… it was bad for him. It was bad for all of you, but it seemed especially bad for him right now. Kendall was being guided by his need for power, something that was either going to work out for him or wouldn’t, but Roman has absolutely nothing going for him right now. He doesn’t even seem interested in going to the board meeting, so you doubt that he’s going to be especially interested in continuing on as co-CEO, if that’s even an option for him.

Once he was finished having his eyedrops put in, you helped him sit up on the couch while your mother took the other side of him. You took the medical kit and asked where it goes, letting your mother know that you’ll be changing into something cooler now. She had something set out for all of you incase you decided to come around, which truly made you wonder if there was a good chance of Shiv and Kendall coming around. You knew that Roman didn’t want Kendall to know where he was, but you weren’t sure about Shiv. If she were to come, you wouldn’t be opposed to seeing her, but there was also a zero percent chance that she wasn’t going to want to talk business.

Though you knew that anything that you chose to wear was going to show the mark on your neck, you also sort of didn’t care all that much. You’d spent a while trying to hide your relationship (fruitlessly) but now everyone knew about it. Everyone knew that you were with Lukas, and it really didn’t matter. You weren’t going straight back to the office, and when you did go back to New York you would obviously need to change into something warmer. It felt nice to put something more causal on. A plain white button up that tied around the stomach with a pair of high-rise shorts and some sandals. It was nice to dress more casually, to put your sunglasses on and actually start to feel like you’re on a vacation and not just hiding away from your responsibilities for the next few hours.

By the time you made your way back out to the main room, you noted that Roman was no where to be seen. Glancing outside, you noticed that your mother was on the phone, and Roman was sitting out on the terrace. Turning behind you to the noises coming from the kitchen, you remembered your expert plan to give Peter your phone. Chances were, he was going to try to engage you in business conversation each time you spoke to him, and considering that you really didn’t want to talk about business, you would avoid speaking to him in order to retrieve your phone at any cost.

“Hey, Peter, could you do me a favor?” What he was doing in the kitchen was unclear, since you doubted that your mother had a whole lot of food in there. She hardly ever had a lot of food around the house, but maybe she decided that was something she would think more about now.

“I guess it depends what it is?” He didn’t seem very serious about it, at least your mother hadn’t chosen to marry someone mean again, even if he did seem to be like a bit of an airhead and he was one hundred percent a grifter just looking for some way to get an in, he didn’t seem as over the top about it as Tom was, nor did he seem as mean to you, Roman or your mother like your father was.

“I just need someone to watch my phone, I’d like to spend some time without it while I’m here.”

“I’m sure your mother will appreciate that.” Checking your notifications one last time, you handed him your phone.

“Don’t give it back to me unless it’s an emergency or I ask for it.”

“Got it.”

You didn’t have to worry about anyone hacking into your phone, you doubted that anyone would guess your password and you doubted that your mother or Peter had any interest in knowing what was going on in your phone. The best that they might be able to get from it is some business conversations with Kendall, but even those were mainly conducted verbally between the two of you.

There was, however, a sense of guilt that filled you as you left the phone. Knowing that you were leaving your chance to contact Shiv and Kendall and see if they were going to come here as well. All you could think about as you sat down on the terrace was how all of this mess had impacted your family. It wasn’t like you had everything perfect before, far from it. You were constantly at odds with each other, constantly trying to feel superior to someone else because that was all you really knew how to do. It was far easier to blame each other for the things that your father had put you through than it was to blame him. Sometimes you had your moments where you could see the faults, but often times it was just arguments between all of you. But now… now it was much worse.

Part of it was just the simple fact of your father dying. Every single time you had issues with your family, someone would come back. Even when it felt like Kendall was never going to come back to speak with everyone again, he was brought back in the end. He was united with Shiv and Roman because everyone was fighting back against your father. But what did you have to unite you now? Election night had been especially hard, but even with everyone interacting at the funeral it was clear that nobody seemed to care about anything other than business. Nobody but yourself and Roman, but even now you care a bit more about the business than he does.

“I like your new style.” You turned to look at Roman, “A little slutty.”

“What?”

“Your neck decoration? In the family home?”

“Shut the fuck up.” You mumbled, but you were happy to hear him teasing you again. It felt like he was never going to say something even remotely happy again, so him making jokes was nice. But it still felt hallow to hear it, because in reality, it definitely was.

“Why can’t you just let him go?” He questioned, watching you furrow your eyebrows. “He cheated-”

“He didn’t fuck Shiv, I was just… I was overreacting.” You stated, but you didn’t really know how to explain it. The truth was, you really were just going off of a gut feeling and trust alone. But you had no proof that suggested he slept with her, just like you had no real proof that suggested he didn’t. You were trusting that the two of them were being honest with you, and maybe that was a bad idea but it was the only idea that you have right now. “I wasn’t in my right mind, and I did some things that I shouldn’t have done. He didn’t really do anything, I just couldn’t think straight.”

“I think you’re an idiot to trust him. He’s going to fuck you over, he’s not a good person.” Roman almost seemed like he was just trying to take out his feelings on your relationship, but maybe it was just genuine concern. Maybe he really didn’t like to see how you had your feelings hurt, maybe he had seen a side of Lukas that you either hadn’t seen or hadn’t noticed and he just wanted to protect you from it.

But you had seen a side of him that he hadn’t seen either, and you just wanted to trust him on this. “You sound like Ken. I’m not an idiot, Roman. If he does something to hurt me, I’ll end things. But right now, he’s been nothing but kind to me since the funeral and I’ve been more of an asshole than he has.”

“How is that even possible?”

“It’s possible.”

“No, it’s not. Nobody in the world can be more of an asshole than he is.”

“Whatever you say.” It wasn’t that you weren’t taking him seriously, you just didn’t think there was any more that you could do that you haven’t done already. Ultimately, if Lukas were to do something that would make you question if he cares about you, you knew that you were going to have to make the proper decision and cut things off. But you didn’t want to believe that something was going to happen, he hadn’t given you any reason to believe that something bad was going to happen. “Maybe the other shoe drops, but maybe this is just how things are meant to be.”

“What are we talking about?” Your mother sat down in a chair near the two of you, watching you both turn to look at her. She had noticed the mark on your neck from the way she was staring at it, but she probably noticed it before she even sat down. “I thought it was complicated?”

“It was, we’re trying to uncomplicate it.” It was better to just be honest, but even as you thought about how little she ever spoke to you, you noticed the understanding that filled her face. She had been through a marriage with your father before, a man consumed by the business and not quite as emotional as a girlfriend would like. She knew what ‘uncomplicating’ meant, it that was probably the most she’s ever understood your feelings in your entire life.

“It sounds like your brother doesn’t approve.”

“None of my brother’s do, funny enough. Except maybe Connor.” Despite the subject matter being you and your relationship, you still felt oddly comfortable. Nothing was really bothering you like it normally did. Maybe it was because you were away from the city, but you knew deep down that wasn’t it. “They have good reason not to approve, so I don’t blame them for it.”

Roman spoke up, changing the subject entirely. “Speaking of brothers, have either of you told Kendall I’m here?” Roman seemed very paranoid about having to speak to Kendall, and it made you wonder what kind of conversation that the two of them had after you went home. You had left pretty much after their conversation with Mencken, so you really had no clue what was being discussed when you weren’t there. Maybe it was something awful, maybe Kendall was the reason that Roman had wanted to harm himself. Ultimately, you had no way of knowing.

“I don’t even have my phone on me.” You responded, holding up your empty hands.

“I haven’t, and I’m happy you’ve set your phone aside. You’re all too caught up in your phones.” Your mother looked toward Roman expectantly, but you hadn’t even seen him use the device since you got here. You had no idea where he had it, or if he had it, you just knew that he had chosen not to use it either. Maybe that was a good thing, or maybe there wasn’t signal here and your symbolic gesture of giving the phone to Peter was nothing more than that, a symbolic gesture.

“I just need some time away from business, I think we all do.” You stated, crossing your legs over each other as you tilted your head back. That was the point of this entire getaway, to the best of your understanding. Some time away from everything, some time to reconnect with your mother now that she was the only parent that any of you had left. But there was often something more that she wanted from you, and you couldn’t help but wonder if there was another reason why she had brought all of you here. Maybe it truly was to help you get away, to help you not feel so bad about what had happened, but even then she hadn’t even really asked you about it. About what it was like, how either of you felt. You had no idea if there were alternative reasons for being brought here, and you really weren’t in the mood to find out.

Regardless, she got up and made her way inside, asking the two of you to let her know if you were going to need anything. You really couldn’t expect her to continue speaking to either of you for very long, she never did. The fact that she was even staying here while her kids were around was a shock considering that she had always been rather flaky. Whether it being leaving before breakfast without more than a note, or just never really listening to the things that any of you said to her. It never made you feel particularly loved, which is probably why you always fought so hard to make your parents love you. To make people love you in general.

Though you had no idea how long you were going to be staying here and you would like to figure out if you’re actually not making it home in time for dinner, your mother seemed to have people helping prepare dinner in the kitchen right now. Whatever her version of dinner was, you never knew. She often seemed to not prioritize it, which is something that she transferred down to her children. Maybe it was just because she didn’t care about eating food and doing other human activities that much, because she wanted you to focus on things bigger than yourselves and feeding your bodies just so happened to be something that wasn’t very important to her. Maybe she just didn’t care enough about any of you to have food around because it wasn’t a worry for her. But you really didn’t feel like thinking about that right now. The more you soaked up the sun, the more you realized that you just didn’t want to think about anything right now.

That was pretty much how you spent the next few hours, not really speaking, not really thinking either. Realistically, you only spent an hour at maximum doing that and at some point fell asleep. It was the sound of someone else walking toward you that woke you up, your sister. You figured she might show up at some point, it really was only a matter of time before at least one of your other siblings found out that Roman was here, because you were sure she was looking for him - you had made your position on voting rather clear, so she had no reason to look for you. Unless, of course, Kendall or Lukas hadn’t told her, which you doubted.

“You made Lukas a very happy boy today.” Shiv commented, sitting next to you once you slid over to give her some room. Even with the rough times, you never had any problems being close with your sister.

“God, how much did he tell you?” You noted that she seemed to be in high spirits despite the fact that she was no longer under consideration for the top position, but maybe she was part of the reason why Tom was selected. Maybe she was only so satisfied because she believed that she was still coming out on top with her husband as CEO. At least, that was what you wanted to believe, because you couldn’t think of one reason why Lukas wouldn’t be straight with you about him choosing someone else for CEO and telling your sister about it.

“Not much, but he didn’t have to.” Her finger prodded at your neck, laughing while you swatted her away. As embarrassing as it was to have your siblings picking on your hickies, that was just a small price to pay for getting them. “You seem happier too.”

“She just needed to get fucked.” Roman commented from the side, both of you looking at him incredulously.

“Stop talking about my sex life, Roman.”

“Make me.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Even if he made disgusting jokes, you were both partners in crime when it came to making trouble. You would always make them back, because it was just the way that the two of you operated. Even from a young age, you were always the two in the corner plotting behind people’s backs. Sometimes Shiv helped out, and almost never would Kendall help out.

“I also heard you’re not voting tomorrow?” Shiv changed the subject, trying to ignore Roman still sort of treating everything like a joke. You knew that she was going to want to talk business, but that didn’t mean that you couldn’t answer her. Everyone had a right to know how you were voting tomorrow, because this was going to impact all of you whether you liked it or not.

“I think like… I think I was just kind of not right for the last week, like I was fucked up and I wasn’t making good choices. But I’m okay now, or like, as close to okay as I can be. I shouldn’t vote, it would look really bad for me to choose something like that.” You knew there were a lot more things that you needed to have an in depth conversation with her about regarding the past week, but that wasn’t something that you were going to do in front of Roman. “Did you see that shit about us this morning?”

“I did, your boyfriend says he doesn’t care but he seems kinda pissed about it.” That was something that you needed to work on with Lukas, he didn’t seem to now when or how to express how he was feeling. It was like he would say things, and he would hide his actual feelings, but it was often difficult to believe. Maybe he was being honest, but it was more than likely that he was just claiming that he was okay so he didn’t have to actually talk about his problems. But that wasn’t something that you really held against him, not a lot of people in this industry seem to know how to have honest conversations about their feelings. That’s something that you know about first hand.

“He’s definitely pissed about it, no matter what he says.” You responded, shrugging and thinking back to how it had made you feel. If you didn’t like it all that much, you knew his reaction had to have been worse. “I just kind of wish that we got to actually announce our relationship, I guess.”

“I’d say you probably should have thought about that before you ran around New York together in broad daylight like… once a week.” She was right, but you really hadn’t thought about it. Karolina and your father were supposed to be covering it up, and they really were trying their best to do so, but there’s only so much you can do when independent people get photos of you hanging out.

A part of you wanted to ask her more about business, but you really had no interest in it. In trying to understand what was going on, because you were incredibly uninterested in discussing it right now. “How likely do you think it is that Kendall shows up?”

“He’s for sure going to, he always does.”

“At the worst times.”

There would probably be a good twenty minutes in between Shiv arriving and Kendall arriving, and you just weren’t sure if you wanted to be around for the inevitable arguing when he did get there. But maybe it was best, because he knew that you were abstaining from the vote. He knew that you were taking your hat out of the ring, but he also believed that you were going to help him - the most you had done to help him was ask Roman if he was going to be returning back to the city.

“Does he know you’re abstaining?”

“Ken? Yeah, I called him earlier.”

“And he didn’t try to kill you?”

“I think he understands that it’s going to look really bad, especially with that article that they published today.” You replied, but you weren’t so sure. Kendall might be thinking logically right now, he might understand your position right now, but that doesn’t mean that he’s going to understand it tomorrow. “They painted me out to be some jealous idiot, and my Tweets the other day made it worse. Voting no means that I’m being petty and people will question it. Voting yes means that it was just friendly banter between two people who are dating and again, it’ll be questioned.”

“But you did help him get in with Mencken, didn’t you?”

“I did, yes.”

The conversation was being cut short by Peter calling you into the kitchen. Shiv gave you a confused look, but something must have been going down.

“Peter has my phone, I didn’t think I’d want to get it back from him.”

“Smart.”

“Thank you, I try my best.” Rushing into the kitchen, you furrowed your eyebrows as you glanced between him and your phone. It was ringing, but you had no idea what could possibly be so much of an emergency that he was instantly calling you in to grab it. “Who is it?”

“Looks like the President.”

“Oh?” That man hardly ever calls you, if he needs something from you he often just texts you. Sometimes he gives you a call, but almost every time you’ve spoken on the phone it’s because of something big happening, some kind of emergency that he needs you to know about as quickly as possible. Considering that the campaign was over now, you have absolutely no idea what kind of emergency he could be calling you over. That alone worried you enough into grabbing the phone. “Thank you.”

Moving into the bedroom that had been assigned to you, you sat down in the middle of the bed and hit the answer button on the phone. You, having moved toward the inside of the house, didn’t quite hear the arrival of Kendall in Barbados, though you knew it was only a matter of time before he showed up.

“Are you being assassinated already?”

“Not yet, give it a few weeks.” He seemed normal, like nothing happened to him. Maybe he was fine, maybe he just wanted to make sure that you weren’t super depressed or dead or something since you disappeared away from the city. Though you were friends, he didn’t feel like someone that needed to know that you were going to Barbados, considering that it was last minute and all. “Did you know that they’re considering someone else for CEO? Someone besides Shiv?”

“Yeah, of course I know that.” Now you were even more confused, would it not be public knowledge that Lukas was choosing someone else for the position? He had told you outright, and you wanted to assume that he had told your sister too. But maybe he did and he just didn’t tell anyone else yet because nobody else needed to know. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t know if he told you.” It was an interesting concern that he was having, but it had to indicate something else was going on. You didn’t know what it was that would be ringing the alarm bells in his head right now, especially since you were sure that he had bigger concerns on his mind than you and how you were feeling. “Does your sister know?”

“Does my sister know? I mean, I haven’t asked her but I don’t see why he wouldn’t say something?” Now you were getting a bit concerned, if your sister didn’t know that meant that he was actively fucking her over. Making sure that he kept her vote just long enough before taking it to the board. That meant that she was going to lose everything, and that he was absolutely betraying her and masquerading his meetings with Lawrence and Tom off as nothing more than people he wants to keep at the company, and not people that he’s considering for CEO. “Do you think my sister doesn’t know? I guess he never told me that he told her outright.”

“Are you talking to him again?”

“Uh- you could say that.”

“The night of the funeral? That’s sick.”

“The morning after, actually.” You corrected him, but the banter couldn’t last. You were growing increasingly concerned that you were sensing a betrayal of some kind coming on, but you didn’t know what to make of it. “Did he not tell my sister?”

“I don’t know, I was just making sure. If you say he told her then he told her. I’m not even in New York.”

“Neither am I.”

“Where-”

“Barbados, family retreat.” You responded, knowing that it was easier to just be blunt about what was going on than it was to beat around the bush. It’s not like he’s going to make a media blitz about how the Roy children are running off to Barbados the night before the vote that will change their company forever.

“Wow, you seem super concerned about your company.”

“I am, in my own way.” It was true, you were concerned. But you weren’t so much concerned about the company as you were for your family members, the people who were going to be directly impacted by what happened in the board meeting. Of course you were concerned, but that concern wasn’t funneled into the same place that someone might assume it would be. At least, that someone outside of your family might assume it would be. “I think I hear Kendall, I’ll talk to you at some point. Thank you for… uh, thank you for calling me.”

“Yeah, no problem, bye.” The bye was sing-songy, like he was mainly just playing around because that’s just what he tends to do. But the call itself was rather serious in essence. It was something that directly impacted you, something that he probably didn’t need to call about but it was nice that he did. If you were still as interested in winning as you were before, maybe it would have given you more cards to play. Now or just made you question your life choices as well as Lukas’ capacity for openness and honesty.

Though it did strike fear into your heart that you were being misled, you weren’t sure if you were going to take that away from what he said to you. He was concerned that you hadn’t been made aware of the fact that Lukas would not be making Shiv the CEO, but you knew that. He was just double checking, to the best of your understanding. Maybe he just didn’t know that you would have even had a conversation with Lukas, since he had no idea that you were speaking to him again from what he said on the phone. Brushing those thoughts aside, you made your way into the hallway. You were almost positive that you heard Kendall, and you just wanted to check and see if you were correct.

Popping your head into the room beside yours, you found him removing his blazer, turning back to look at you. “Hey, glad you made it.”

“Thanks for the invite.” You didn’t bother digging into his tone, moving further into the room and sitting on the bed. While he changed, you watched the view outside of the window. It truly was beautiful here, it was no wonder why so many people vacationed here whenever they could.

“I tried convincing Roman to invite you, he wouldn’t let me and he was bleeding so I gave him what he wanted. You know I like spending time with you.” You responded, glancing back towards him. He had picked out a white button down from the drawer just like you had, but yours was far more feminine.

“I know, he told me.” He responded, buttoning up the shirt that he had chosen. His tone was so casual, it made you wonder what was going on inside of his mind. But when weren’t you wondering what was going on inside of his mind? He was always so difficult to read, it was hard to really understand anything that was swirling around in that brain of his. Moving to lay down on the bed, Kendall joined you once he finished getting changed. “Do I even want to ask about your neck?”

“I’ll cover it up tomorrow, I was wearing a turtleneck when I still thought I was going to work today.” You responded, feeling a bit exhausted despite the hours that you had spent sleeping. You wanted nothing more than to ask him about what had just been raised to you on the phone, if Kendall had some sort of information about whether or not Lukas was making it known that he wasn’t going to be making Shiv CEO. But maybe he wouldn’t have any idea about that, maybe you would just be giving him ammunition to use again her. “Can I ask you something? It’s business related.”

“Sure.”

“I was just on the phone with Mencken, and he asked me about whether or not Lukas would be making Shiv CEO still. Do you know anything about him and… Lawrence?” It was the only way that you could ask that without exposing what you knew. As much as you wanted to be honest with him, if he knew something you wanted to make sure that you talked to Shiv about it first.

“I heard something about him choosing someone else for CEO, and having a meeting for Lawrence, but it’s not set in stone right now.”

“Does Shiv know?”

“You should have seen her out there, she has no idea.” Turning to glance away from him, you watched the sun shine in through the windows. You had a good poker face, but you weren’t quite sure what to say with this new information. Shiv had no idea that she wasn’t being named CEO, but you did. You knew that Lukas was choosing someone else, and that the person he was choosing was more than likely going to be Tom. He told you that, but he didn’t make it at all clear that he was going to be fucking your sister over. How could you stomach that? How could you watch your sister be betrayed knowingly, in real time? What would she think of you if she ended up finding out at the board meeting, when you already knew? “How did Mencken know?”

“He’s the President, he has to know.” You replied, doing your best to not think about everything that was on your mind as you turned to look at him. He still had that look in his eyes that he had all week, that mania that had been reflecting back in your eyes, but unlike him, even this news didn’t bring you back to that state. It made you confused, it made you frustrated, but it didn’t make you feel like you needed to burn the world and everything on it. “I’m sorry for abstaining tomorrow, I just think it’s the only option.”

“I get why, it’s fine.” It might be fine now, but if it comes down to it and he decides he needs your vote, you know it won’t be fine. But you’re not going to say that to him. There’s no reason for you to bring something like that up when he’s telling you that it’s fine. “It would look bad if you voted no, I read that piece that they did this morning. It would make you look like an angry ex-girlfriend, we would look like a joke. I talked to Karolina about it, it just wouldn’t be a good look.”

Maybe he actually did understand and he wasn’t just saying it because he felt like he had to. He knew that you were back together with Lukas, but you were still choosing to not pick his side right now. Instead, you were making sure that you stayed out of it. For the first time this week, you wanted to make the mature decision and not let your emotions guide you either way. But that thought only made you more sad. Because he was your brother, and you knew that this was the only thing that really mattered to him. Being CEO, being on top, winning the thing that had been promised to him when he was a child. If he lost tomorrow, he was going to lose his mind and you just weren’t sure if you were ready to see something like that. There was a reason why you believed it might be bad for him to get the top spot, and it had nothing to do with pride or your boyfriend or the rest of your family, it all fell on Kendall.

He had always been rather fragile, even if he wasn’t as outwardly emotional as Roman. Maybe it was because he was very young when he was told that he would be the next CEO from what he told you at the wake. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that even when your father seemed to hate him he still told Josh Aaronson that he believed it was going to be him. Or, maybe, it just had everything to do with his Kendall’s brain was wired. How he grew up, what he thought, what people thought of him. Everything impacted him in a way that could not have been good for him, and left him feeling like the only thing in life that he’ll ever need is being on top.

The biggest thing that you were afraid of is him not making it out of this alive. Whether that means that he continues to live as a shell of a person, or he can’t take the loss and takes his own life. You knew that there was a good chance that Shiv would be okay, especially since she has a child on the way. Roman was upset, and he seemed empty right now, but maybe getting out would be a good thing for him if it comes down to that - or maybe it wouldn’t. But Kendall was the one that you had seen almost die before, and it made you naturally worried for him. Every time you saw him getting anywhere near a body of water you would get incredibly concerned, but it wasn’t like that was the only possible way that he could end up dead. There were a million other ways, and each of them were equally terrifying to you.

“I don’t think I tell you that I love you enough.” You commented, your voice rather meek as you spoke. Though the mania didn’t leave his eyes, you could see them slightly soften. “But I wanted to tell you that no matter what happens tomorrow, I’ll always love you. And I really, really don’t ever want to have to take you out of a pool again.”

In the past few months, not once did either of you comment on the pool incident. Once you left Italy, that subject was dropped. Neither one of you wanted to broach it. Whether you were waiting on him to say something, or you just didn’t want to talk about it, really didn’t matter. Because whatever the reason was, you had chosen not to speak about it, but now you were, because you felt like you had to. “You won’t, and I love you too. And you tell me all the time.”

There was a small smile on his face, but you weren’t sure if it was actually genuine. It wasn’t often that Kendall ever got to smile, and it always made you feel bad to see that perpetual frown on his face. But it wasn’t his fault he was like that. “When this is all over, I think all of us should maybe to to therapy.”

“I have a therapist, you can come if you want.” He had mentioned having a therapist before, but you weren’t sure if you believed him. If he did have a therapist, they weren’t doing too well of a job considering how unhinged he was acting right now, but maybe that didn’t matter. The last time he mentioned his therapist as at the wake, and up until your father died he had been doing a lot better. Maybe that intervention where everyone tried to talk to him about his suicide attempt had done a lot for him, or maybe he knew that he was going to need help if he wanted to be successful at any of his endeavors.

“I’ll probably take you up on that, but I’m going outside.” Standing up from the bed, you walked toward the door. You knew that you couldn’t ignore the thoughts in your mind right now, the thoughts about your sister and whether or not she knew that she wasn’t going to be picked for CEO. You knew now that she didn’t know, and you had absolutely no idea what to do with that information.

As you walked back out to the terrace, you opted to turn your phone off so no more phone calls could send you spiraling. Laying down in one of the chairs, you found yourself watching the water hit the shore. It was calming, it was quiet, it was something so normal and away from society that it allowed you to actually feel yourself breathing for once. No clusters of people surrounding you as you walk down the street, no undefined smells. Nothing to worry about, just yourself and the water down below.

But that calmness allowed you to think, to really think. Lukas really should have told you that he wasn’t making Shiv aware that she wasn’t going to be CEO. It was a manipulative tactic to allow her to think that she’s going to take it when in reality it’s going to be someone else, someone more like her husband. There’s no possible way that he didn’t realize how manipulative it was, but did he really not think about your relationship with your own sister that much that he would be under the impression that you wouldn’t care at all if she were to be betrayed? It was presumptuous as best, but all you could think about was what this meant for the two of you.

All you really wanted was for him to be honest with you, but was it dishonesty if he didn’t tell you? Maybe he didn’t tell you on purpose, or maybe he genuinely believed that it wasn’t something that would matter to you. It might be a good idea to let it go, to bring it up with him and work on your issues. Ultimately, if not telling you something was the worst thing that he could do to you, maybe things weren’t so bad. Maybe he believed that Shiv would say something to you and make it known that she knows that she doesn’t know the truth so he felt no need to share that information with you, but the more likely option was that you were just making excuses for him because you really didn’t want to accept that he had done something wrong.

Despite these thoughts lingering in your mind, you still felt oddly peaceful as you stared down at the water below. There was something so nice about it, something so calming about seeing how it moves to shore before moving back in. About how much cleaner it looks than the water you’re used to, and how being in an environment so quiet and isolated reminds you of nothing more than your childhood.

Whether it reminds you of the peaceful afternoons that you would spend with your father when he took you hunting, or the times that you were away from the city in one of the summer homes and got to run around aimlessly with your siblings without worrying about someone stopping you. It was so much more tranquil than what you had become used to the older you got, but it also made you start to think about your father.

There still was a part of you that partially blamed yourself for his death. It wasn’t that you were the one that was dragging out the deal, because at some point or another you just wanted it done as quickly as possible. You blamed yourself, and everyone else that voted to allow him to stay (or didn’t vote at all) when it came into question whether or not he could lead the company. The truth was, the only reason Kendall was really holding that vote was because he believed that it could get him in power, and all he really wanted was to become CEO of the company. It was the thing that was promised to him, he believed that he deserved it more than anyone else, and he was willing to get a little dirty to get it.

The reasoning for him actually holding the vote might be partially to blame for the results, but the results are ultimately what killed your father. He was beginning to get old, his heart was getting weaker and being in this line of work wasn’t doing any favors for him. Everything that he did was stressful, and draining, and it left him feeling tired every single night even if he acted like he was okay. When he collapsed that day, you truly believed that he was gone. You believed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you had seen him for the last time. But then he came back, and you weren’t strong enough to do the thing that you knew you needed to do if you wanted him to meet your children, or your sister’s children.

A big part of it might be because you were still convinced that he was unkillable, that your father could survive anything and everything and that it was unrealistic for you to believe that working at the company that he built and loves is going to be something that could kill him. Maybe it was just because you were unwilling to think about him being a mortal human being like the rest of you, because he had been such a huge presence in your life, and he had been such a force of nature, that it was difficult to imagine that he could ever die - especially because of something like his heart.

But then it happened. He died. He died in an airplane bathroom right in front of you and there was nothing that you could do about it. Maybe that vote was your chance to do something for him, and maybe you sitting in front of him crying and wishing you could do more while he died on that jet was the consequence that you had to face for not standing up and doing the thing that you knew would help him.

Maybe it was better to just stop blaming yourself for things that happened in the past, and were caused more by your environment than you as a person.

Though there were certain things that were bothering you. Certain things about your family, about Lukas, about the past, it was like your mind refused to be in any state other than at peace. There was nothing that you could do when it came to what happened in the past. There was no possible way for you to stop your father from continuing to run the company now that you knew what was going to happen in the end, and there was no way for you to undo the things that happened to your family. But the thing that was bothering you the most was the fact that you knew, somewhere in your heart, that the real reason that Lukas had neglected to let you know that Shiv had no idea that she wouldn’t be the next CEO is because he believed you would tell her.

As much as you didn’t want to admit it to yourself, the most likely reason that he hadn’t been entirely forthcoming with you was because of business. Because even with the things that you had talked about with him, the issues that you had raised and that he had agreed with, he couldn’t bring himself to value you more than he valued the business. It could be true that none of that was the case, and that he just didn’t see it as a very big deal. Ultimately, though, it didn’t matter. This was something that you could probably work out with him once this deal was over, but that didn’t make you any less annoyed that something like this was happening. Not just because of the work that you had put into making your relationship better, but because of what this meant was going to happen here.

For the rest of the day, you were going to have to know something that you probably should tell Shiv about, but what good would it do you? Would she even believe you, or would she believe that Kendall had put you up to saying something like that? There was a good chance that she would believe you, because you were the person who spent the most time with Lukas and it made sense that you would know things about him that nobody else does, but what if she doesn’t? Even then, how do you broach the topic?

Speaking of your siblings, you noticed the presence of Roman before he even said anything. Though you doubted that he would even care all that much if you shared your new information with him, there was a part of you that wondered if you should. Maybe it would be best to say something, but had you not already hinted at knowing something to Kendall? Instead, you opted to ask him a more personal question.

“Is it lying to neglect sharing the full story?” You questioned, Roman looking at you with confusion as you sat up on the seat you were sitting on. He sat down beside you, watching as you struggled to find the words to better explain the situation without explaining it fully. “If you share something with someone, but leave out a big part of it, is it a lie?”

“What did he do now?”

“Why do you always assume it’s about Lukas?” It was about him, but he didn’t need to know that. Maybe it said a lot that he just knew that it was him without you saying something, or maybe it was just because he hated him so much that he would blame him for the last two World Wars if he could. “It’s just a general question, I’m just curious.”

“It’s not a lie, it’s just not the truth.” There seemed to be no concrete answer for what you were going through right now, but even with the confusion and the sense of betrayal, you didn’t feel yourself slipping back into that state of upset. It was going to have to come out at some point, maybe it was better that it came out during dinner or something. That seemed like a good plan, telling Shiv about what Lukas was planning over dinner. That way, he would be able to pick up the phone since he would probably be done meeting with people by then, and you weren’t just running around trying to frantically tell her right now.

“So would you say that it’s amoral?”

“Since when do you care about morals?”

“Just work with me right now, is it wrong?”

“It depends on the situation. What are you planning?” It was interesting that he had gone from blaming Lukas for whatever you were asking about to wondering if it was something that you were doing wrong, but he wasn’t entirely wrong to do so. Some could interpret not telling Kendall that you didn’t want him to be CEO as doing something like that, but in reality it didn’t affect the way that you were voting. If it were to affect your vote, you would be saying yes to the acquisition tomorrow, but you have no plans on doing that. Neglecting to share this information with Kendall doesn’t hurt him, and it doesn’t put him in a tricky situation. Lukas making sure Shiv doesn’t know that he’s picking someone else is a manipulation, a deception to ensure that he gets what he wants. But was it just a manipulation towards her, or was his avoidance of giving you the room to share this information a manipulation of you as well?

“I’m not planning anything, I guess- I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter.” Ignoring the questioning glance he gave you seemed to make him want to stop asking. Roman was so caught up in his own head that he really couldn’t worry about what was going on with you, and that was probably why asking him for help was the best thing that you could do. Kendall would try to pry information out of you, and it would be sick to ask Shiv since she was affected by the question too. It was best to ask Roman, who would more than likely just continue to worry about himself rather than why you were asking him something so cryptic.

Even with him having joined you, it still felt like a calm environment. There was nobody asking you about the company, nobody asking about your relationship and how it affected the business. There was absolutely nothing that you needed to worry about right now other than yourself, but you knew that wasn’t going to last. You were going to have to confront everything that’s been going on soon enough, and maybe it was going to be difficult and would make you somewhat unhappy, but it wasn’t like it was ruining your life right now.

Yesterday, you had asked Roman if the two of you were going to be okay. In truth, you had no idea if he was going to be okay. Sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn’t, but in reality he was never honestly okay. He never liked asking for help, he never accepted help when it was being offered to him, and you didn’t know if he was going to be okay after tomorrow. But for once in your life, you feel like you’re going to be okay. Whatever happens at that board meeting is not going to kill you. Telling Shiv about what you’ve learned over dinner is not going to kill you. Though some of it might be uncomfortable, and it might be painful, you’re going to be just fine.

Glancing toward the house, you went inside to go search your room for something to read. Though you could turn your phone on, and you could search through hours and hours of people saying things about the company, about you and your family, you didn’t want to do that. You also didn’t want to sit out there and allow your mind to wander, because there was no good reason for that. It’s been a long time since you’ve allowed yourself the luxury and time to just sit down and read a book in a nice environment, and you can’t think of a single reason why you should deprive yourself of that right now. This is supposed to be a relaxing trip, and you wanted to make the absolute most of it.

Finally, you found a book, and you couldn’t help the small smile that crept up on your face. It was one of the few books in the room, and one of the first novels that you ever read on your own as a young girl. Jane Eyre, a classic novel that you needed to ask for help with when it came to some bigger words, but something that you found yourself able to understand even at such a young age. The relationship in the book was a little odd, but they seemed to embrace the absurdity of it. Though you would never settle for someone who had a crazy wife in the attic, you also grew to understand the symbolism behind it. Everyone has a crazy wife in their attic, just like everyone has skeletons in their closet. All that matters is whether or not you’re able to overcome these things, and that was something that you always liked about the book.

Grabbing it and heading outside, you were met with Shiv having joined Roman. You felt guilty looking at her, like you should say something to her but you know that you’re going to. You’re going to tell her over dinner. That’s what people do when they have bad news, isn’t it? You would never forget coming home from school one night for dinner only to learn that your fish had gone to the aquarium upstate. Or your father telling you that you were finally ready to join the company over dinner. Maybe it was just something you were picking up from your father, but it seemed the right way. Especially because Kendall said that nothing was set in stone, and Lukas had only said he was thinking about making Tom CEO. It wouldn’t be Shiv, and that much you needed to tell her, but maybe if you waited a few hours longer you would be able to know who it is.

Sitting down, you opened the book and allowed yourself to relax in the chair. You didn’t know if Kendall was going to be coming back outside, or if he was just going to remain in bed for the rest of the day. Presumably, he was just going to come outside to convince Roman to side with him in the board meeting, but you didn’t think it was going to be very fun to deal with that debate happening in front of you. Regardless of whether or not Roman was going to vote for him, you just didn’t want to hear them arguing about it.

Nobody was really saying anything outside, but nobody needed to say anything. Shiv looked like she knew she was getting the top spot, and you knew that wasn’t the case. Roman looked like he kind of wanted to die, but you doubted that he was actually going to do anything to make that happen right now. Kendall was inside, but who knew how long that was going to last. But you were beginning to re-read a book you’ve read a million times, and you were just trying to enjoy this time spent without your family before tomorrow.

It does bring you peace to be able to sit here and read, to ignore everything swirling around inside of your mind even if you can only do this for a little while. It’s probably been years since you’ve had your phone away from you for a while, and it feels therapeutic to not have to feel like you should be checking on it every few minutes. Maybe you should be checking on it, maybe you have more responsibilities that you should be worrying about, or maybe this is just a last straw for you. After years of worrying about nothing other than Waystar, maybe it really is time that you start thinking more about yourself. You had been bouncing around the idea of no longer working for the company, and maybe that’s something that you should start considering more seriously considering how it seems to be tearing everyone apart.

But for right now, you’re not going to think about that. You’re just going to indulge yourself in a book and allow the sound of the birds chirping and the waves crashing down below fill your ears. Even if this moment of peace isn’t going to last, you’re going to make the most of it. Because, sure, Kendall is still sitting inside but you still have two of your siblings out here with you. Two people who you may not get to see a whole lot after what happens tomorrow, two people who you have a lot of love for. It really doesn’t matter if everyone is fighting with each other, because you’ve all been fighting with each other for years.

The sun is warm against your skin, the sound of Roman making himself a drink is so casual that it isn’t even disturbing your ability to read your novel. There is something to be said about reading things like these, about people’s lives who are so vastly different from the one that you’ve led. In reality, as much as you like to pretend that you relate more to Jane, you could never shake the feeling that you’re more like Mr. Rochester, or, the people in your life are. You try to be kind to everyone, but that doesn’t make you any less elitist. It doesn’t change the fact that nobody in your family does a lot of charity work, and everything Kendall says to try and help people (you’ll never forget his random wave of feminist Tweets during the whole cruises incident) is mainly just him trying to get attention and support. Maybe you’re always destined to be who you are, in the position that you’re in, or maybe you should try doing more to help people.

The only issue with that is that the last two outsiders you tried to help ended up being so attached to the idea of being powerful that they forgot their humanity in the process. Sometimes you could see flashes of humanity in Tom, but for the most part that only came out when he was being hurt. He was colder, more driven and attracted to power than most people that you’ve met. It’s a far cry from the awkward man that you used to know, the man that you’d befriended all because you felt bad for him. Which was also pretty much the same reason you had for befriending Greg. You felt bad for him. You felt bad that people continually used him for things, that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing and he was being thrown into this family for no reason. You felt like he needed your help, but when he got just a taste of power it was almost like it was the only thing that mattered to him.

Still, yourself and Kendall had been the kindest to him so if he was going to be nice to any of you it would be the two of you. That’s not to say that he’s nice to either of you all the time, but he’s done you favors, some more recent than others. Still, it really doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day, you’ve seen the way that power corrupts people first hand, and it makes you question if you even want it to begin with.

Not just in reference to being CEO, because you know for an unequivocal fact that you don’t want that anymore, but in general. Being in a high ranking position in the company, being in the room when big decisions were made. Shiv, Kendall and Roman were at each other’s throats now more than ever, when they had seemingly been united and happier than ever right before your father died. But that need for power, that need to become CEO, had corrupted them in ways that you couldn’t really understand. It was no better with Lukas, who had kept information from you more than likely because he didn’t want you to end up telling your sister. If you believed that she knew, or had been given no reason to believe that she didn’t, you couldn’t tell her. He was honest when he told you that he wasn’t going to make her CEO, but he kept key information from you because business always comes first. Money, profit, and power will always come first for people who have it, and that’s something that you’re not sure if you can live with anymore.

For years, you’ve been living with this. Silently accepting that it’s just the way things are, that money wins and always will. But does that mean that you need to hate your siblings just because you want power? Does that mean that you need to allow business to come in the way of your relationship? This company, this deal, had hurt your relationship with Lukas before, and it was continuing to hurt it now. But did it have to? Or was there something you could do, something that you hadn’t even considered doing in the past but now couldn’t not think about. Would it be better if you left the company, or would it be better to try and change things from within?

That thought was interrupted by the sound of Kendall coming outside, already jumping right into talks of what was to come tomorrow. It didn’t take very long for all of them to start arguing again, but what else were they going to do with their time other than argue about something that hasn’t happened yet? You, however, tried to continue reading your book, especially when Shiv started talking about how she had won. She hadn’t won, and you knew that, but you weren’t going to tell her until what you felt to be the right time. Still, it was incredibly difficult to keep your mouth shut - especially because you could feel the way that Kendall was looking at you right now.

Glancing up, you met his gaze for just a moment. “What about you, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know, probably just… stay where I’m at?”

“Really? No plans to go to Sweden?” You hated that he was asking you these things like he knew there were plans, plans that you were still holding true to because you believed that you could work through these issues with Lukas. Once the deal was over, maybe he would focus less on being so cut-throat with business, maybe you would just need to talk to him about how not cool it is for him to tell you half-truths.

“There are plans to go to Sweden, in a few days, actually.”

“Did he ask you to move in with him?” Shiv spoke from beside you, but you wondered if she knew to begin with. Had he told her, or was she genuinely surprised that he had asked something like that of you. “Your family is here.”

“My family can be anywhere, you sound like a helicopter parent.” You grumbled, but you knew that she was just concerned. Why wouldn’t she be concerned? When she got married, she remained in the city and Tom moved away from home. Rava and Kendall lived in the city, and it was a no-brainer that Lukas would too, but that wasn’t what the two of you had discussed. “He did, I said yes.”

“And you didn’t think to tell us?” Roman seemed the most hurt by it, but you could understand why. You didn’t really think about how odd it was to not tell them that you were planning on moving in with Lukas in the coming days, but it wasn’t like you shared the details of your relationship with them very often.

“I said yes this morning, kind of. He asked me a few months ago and it wasn’t supposed to be until months after the deal was finalized, I couldn’t tell you then because I had no idea what was going to happen.” That was why you hadn’t told them to begin with, but things got messier and you didn’t want to live with him anymore. He had asked you to come stay with him when you were in Norway, but that question ended up going out of the window because you had issues with each other that dragged on all week. “I was going to tell you at some point.”

“A little fast to be moving in, isn’t it?” She seemed more concerned than your brothers, but she also knew first hand what it was like to date as a woman. It was fast, but everything about your relationship had been moving incredibly fast. Plus, it wasn’t like you could really progress as a couple if you were only able to spend time together when you were able to travel. Would it not just be easier to be together in person? If things didn’t work out, it wouldn’t be that big of an issue for you to come home.

“I’ll be okay.” Even you weren’t sure if that was true, but it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t the thing that people really wanted to talk about, and your relationship was not going to be the center of attention right now. Everyone wanted to discuss the company, and while they slowly got back into it, you continued reading your book. You had made your position incredibly clear, and nobody had told you that it would be a bad idea to abstain. Everyone you spoke to believed it was a good idea, that it would make you all look more professional. Even if your vote was going to be lost, it was better than sacrificing the integrity of the company, especially because you weren’t even sure how you should vote.

If you were to say yes, it would devastate Kendall, but it would be something that you did not just for Lukas, but so Kendall didn’t end up becoming too much like your father. But if you said no, it would probably ruin your relationship with Lukas since he’s so focused on business, and it would allow Kendall to continue being too much like your father. But you didn’t have to make that choice. You didn’t have to go in there and tell people how you felt either way, or ruin one relationship or another over this company. You just had to tell them that you wouldn’t be voting, and that was just going to have to be good enough.

But you’d rather not think about that right now, and for the time being, you just want to focus on your book while you wait for the sun to go down further so you can all enjoy dinner together. So you can share the information that you have with Shiv, and hopefully clear the air. But you can’t help but feel like Lukas telling you a half-truth wasn’t the other shoe that was meant to drop, like there was something else, something worse, that was going to happen. But maybe you were just paranoid because something always goes wrong.

The next hour or so was spent the same way. With you reading, waiting for something to happen though nothing does. You could open up your phone and just ask Lukas a question, but that would defeat the entire purpose of turning it off. Trying to get involved in this is just something you really would rather not do, and if you’re not turning your phone on to have a personal conversation, you’d rather not turn it off at all.

By the time your mother called you all in for dinner, you had begun to worry that no new information was going to come about. Maybe you had all of the information that you were going to get about what was going to happen with the CEO ordeal tomorrow, maybe Kendall’s source didn’t have anything else to share with him so he wasn't going to learn anything else either. Maybe you were just going to have to go about telling Shiv what you know, without fully knowing what person is going to be CEO. You knew that he was meeting with Tom, but Lawrence had surprised you. Maybe even punishing Tom with the position and making him take all of the blowback was a satisfaction that he didn’t want to give him.

But you didn’t want to think about that too much, because despite everyone’s annoyance, you were absolutely amused by the presentation that was being presented by Peter and his friend Jonathan. Of course, this was enough to tell you that your mother had only called you here so she could convince you all to sell, but it was still funny to watch. It was like sitting down and watching a TED Talk, but the people giving the talk had absolutely no idea what they were doing. They were just giving you all a forced business proposal over dinner, and it was incredibly amusing to you. Maybe it wasn’t amusing to anyone else, but it was leaving you fighting a laugh behind your hand.

It was that distraction that stopped you from paying very much attention as Kendall left the table, leaning over so you could say something quietly to Shiv. Now was as good a time as any, and you would rather not end up not being the person to tell her. “Shiv, I have something I need to talk to you about?”

“Right now? Please.” She seemed desperate to get out of this presentation, but just as you went to stand up you were being asked by Kendall to come join him back where he had gone to take his call. He looked serious, but he had that older brother face that he had when you found out that the girl you had befriended as a child really just started talking to you because her parents had sent her as a way to get to your father. “Go, it can wait.”

You nodded and followed Kendall, his hand being placed inside of yours was not a good sign. “I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to ask Greg to repeat it for you.”

Your eyebrows furrowed as you took his phone, “Hey, Greg?”

“Hi, yeah, um- Basically Lukas took Shiv off of paperwork for tomorrow and he says it’s because he wants to fuck her, or something.”

“Because he wants to fuck her? Like fuck her over?”

“Not from what I was hearing.”

“Right.” Kendall hadn’t let go of your hand, and now you understood why. He was still being a good older brother, even when he had become incredibly lost in his need for power. Even if you didn’t want to face the reality of what was happening, you could feel your heart dropping into your stomach. “Did he say that to Tom?”

“Yeah, how’d you-”

“Thank you, Greg.” You handed the phone back to Kendall, who also thanked him before hanging up. He showed you the picture of the paperwork that he had been sent by someone, you presumed it was either Stewy or Greg since you didn’t think anyone else involved would be sharing this with him right now. You read it over, and he was correct. The drafted document had removed Shiv from it, just like your father had removed your name from his draft months ago. But that was different, he did that because he didn’t need you in his document when you would be in Lukas’.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t do it.” You were hurt, you were incredibly hurt. You couldn’t tell if you wanted to scream, or if you wanted to cry, or if you just couldn’t figure out if you had done something to deserve this. You had believed him full heartedly when he told you that he loved you, and maybe he was being honest, but you needed monogamy from him. Maybe it wasn’t even that, and he had said what he said to make Tom uncomfortable, but even if that was the case it really didn’t matter, it was the principle of him saying it that mattered. “I’m not gonna backslide, I’m gonna be okay.”

Voting tomorrow was going to look even worse, and you knew that, so you weren’t going to. Even with this new information coming out, even with this thing that you were avoiding coming to light, you didn’t feel the need to lose your mind again. This was something that you knew could happen, something that you promised yourself you would be an adult about if it did happen. If he couldn’t be honest, that would just have to be it. “You knew he wasn’t making Shiv CEO, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I knew.” You responded, but you could barely hold his gaze. “I was just about to tell her when you came and grabbed me, but he told me. He didn’t tell me why, I thought it was because I told Mencken it shouldn’t be her. But then he called me earlier and he didn’t think I knew it wouldn’t be her, so I was… I was piecing it together.”

“Did he tell you who?”

“It’s going to be one of the guys he met with today, but I’m not sure which one.” There was no reason for you to not put all of your cards on the table right now, because you had no reason to lie. You were exhausted of this, exhausted of the way that everything involving this company and this line of work ended up hurting you in some way or another. You felt a bit of your composure slip, a tear or two running down your face before Kendall removed his hand from yours. You let him hug you, and you didn’t think much of it. Unlike the other two out there, you weren’t working against him, and you had been clear that you believed it should be him. He had no reason to be rude to you, or cold to you.

Returning the hug, you allowed yourself to cry a bit on him. Holding in your emotions was how you would end up feeling worse than you already did, but openly crying and allowing yourself to feel them was how you were going to end up feeling better. Being honest with yourself, and honest with Kendall, was what was going to make everything feel okay. Even if nothing was okay, it would at the very least make it better.

Pulling back, you flinched as you felt him pinch two fingers into your cheeks, swatting him away though it was something you had done to him a million times. “What the fuck-”

He had just been trying to cheer you up with that, and it partially worked because you couldn’t deny the smile that covered your face. “Kind of hurts, right?”

“A little bit, yeah.” You responded, pulling away from him a bit. “I’m going to be okay, Ken. I knew this could happen, and I know what I have to do. I won’t let anyone treat me like this.”

He read your expressions as best as he could, trying to make sure that you were being serious, before nodding. “Let’s get this over with.”

The two of you now had to be the people to tell Shiv that she wasn’t going to be CEO, that she had been completely removed from the paperwork. You had wanted it to be you alone, just so she knew that you would never lie to her over something like this, but it was going to come from Kendall. Everyone could see your expression when you came back, but it wasn’t as bad as you had looked the past few days. There was hurt on your face, but there was also a bit of understanding and acceptance. This was not the end of the world, even though you might feel like it is when everything is said and done.

Kendall got Shiv and Roman to follow the two of you out to talk, while Kendall broke the news to Shiv. You took a seat on one of the chairs, watching her while she reacted to the news. Despite everything that Kendall was saying being the truth, she just didn’t seem to believe him. She tried to call Lukas to no avail, before turning back to look at you. “Did you know? Is that what you were going to tell me?”

“Yeah, that was what I was going to tell you.” You responded, glancing at the ground. Still, as you looked back up at her, she didn’t look like she believed you even though it was the absolute truth.

“Why don’t you try to call him?”

“I don’t want to call him-”

“Don’t make her call him.” Shiv looked between you and Kendall incredulously, wondering what he could have possibly told you that made you have no interest in speaking to the person that you told her you were going to be moving in with in the next few days.

“I thought you were moving in together, why can’t you call him?”

“Because that’s not happening anymore.” That got her to back off a bit, though she has absolutely no idea why it’s not happening anymore. You weren’t going to call him, but she could still go and figure out herself if this was actually the truth. While Shiv stormed off, you were left sitting there with your brothers.

It didn’t take her very long to get the news, from the sounds of it, but you didn’t expect it to. For the last day, she had everything that she wanted right in her grasp, and it was now being taken from her at the last minute because of whatever reasoning that Lukas had made up. It didn’t matter what the reasoning was, all that mattered was that she had something that she had wanted her entire life and now it was gone. It was gone just like it was when your father promised it to her, and now she didn’t know what to do.

She came back after a moment, looking more lost than you had ever seen her before. Because this isn’t like your father promising one of you something and it ending up not coming true, these would be the last few hours before the new CEO is officially named and there’s no going back on it. There’s no taking more time to decide. This is it, this is the thing that each of you has been dreading for a long time now, and there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it.

She wanted guidance, advice on what she should do from here, and Kendall offered the one piece of advice that you knew he was going to offer - a united front, with him as the frontrunner for CEO and you being offered the same position that you were already in. Maybe in time someone else could take it, and the rest of you could remain at the company and helping out, but that could be worked out at some point in the future. For now, you all needed to look strong and have someone in charge. As much as you didn’t believe it should be Kendall, because you didn’t want him to ruin himself over this, you knew that it didn’t matter what you wanted.

“So are you voting now?” Shiv asked, looking over at you while you were distracted watching the three of them. It felt like you were disconnected from it, but that was because you were disconnecting yourself from it. “He must have done something pretty bad if you’re refusing to even speak to him.”

“I’m abstaining, it wouldn’t be a good look for me to vote.”

“Well, you have to have an opinion on this,” She motioned to Kendall, who had just made his bid to become CEO. “I’m sure you’ve been promised the position before.”

“You’d be wrong to assume that.” Now they were looking at you, because everyone assumed that they had all been offered the spot at least once in their lives. Roman had been offered it recently, and Shiv had been offered it around the time that the Pierce deal started. But Kendall had been offered it as a child, his brain had been formed to believe that there was only one thing in life that he should ever want. You, however, had never been given such an offer. “Dad never told me it should be me, or that it would be me, he never even really hinted at it. I think he knew that I thrived on looking for approval, so him telling me that would stop me from working hard.”

“He never told you that it was going to be you?” Kendall looked shocked, as did both Roman and Shiv, but he was the one that spoke up. “All that time teaching you how to be like him, and he never offered it to you?”

“Not even once.” You responded, your eyes locked on his before moving to look at the other two. “He tried to make me like him, but it clearly didn’t work. It was never for me.”

“So you think it should be Kendall? Is that what you’re saying?” Roman was the one to question you, though he had seemingly gone off to the side. He didn’t think it should be Kendall, and neither did Shiv. You, really, didn’t want it to be him because you knew that it was going to get to his head and you knew that he was going to lose whatever humanity that he had left.

“I don’t even want to be in the fucking company anymore, okay?” You said, standing up from where you were sitting. “But Ken’s worked the hardest for it, and he was promised it before either of you. So yes, I think it should be him and dad thought the same thing. And it really doesn’t matter what I think because I’m not voting tomorrow.”

They broke apart to think about it, to really consider what it was that was being discussed for a few moments. Kendall was a good option for this spot, he wanted it more than anyone and you knew that even with their ups and downs your father wanted it to be him. He intended on it being him when he was talking to Josh, and he repeated it when he underlined his name. But he wasn’t here anymore, and he had ample time to make it Kendall rather than stringing you all along. It was his fault that you were in this position, and you knew that.

Eventually, they convened again. Shiv and Roman didn’t seem quite as appalled by the idea of Kendall taking on the position of CEO on his own, but they didn’t seem fully set on it either. Regardless, you walked down to the beach below with all of them. The beach that you had been staring at all day long, and though you took no pride in getting your undergarments wet so you could go for a night swim, you ended up getting in the water before Shiv and Roman did. You had nothing more to debate, nothing more to talk about. You weren’t voting, and even if you did say that believed that it should be Kendall, you weren’t going to try and convince them of that.

Swimming closer to where Kendall had decided to sit down, you allowed your thoughts to try and empty out. Maybe you should be thinking about Lukas and what he had done, but for right now you just wanted to focus on your siblings. Tomorrow was going to be a huge day. You were more than likely going to have to end your relationship, and you were going to see the rise of the new Waystar CEO. But for right now, for just a little bit, you wanted to pretend that the only thing that mattered was your siblings. Because, in reality, it was.

“You said dad thought it should be me. What did you mean?”

“Oh, he underlined your name.” You responded, not knowing if you should bother sharing what he said to Josh with him, the fact that you had even been informed of that alone was an invasion of a private conversation - but sharing it with Kendall? It felt like too much, and you knew that if he ended up losing tomorrow that information was absolutely going to devastate him. So, you decided to keep it to yourself. You had no idea when your father had drafted that document, but he wouldn’t have put Kendall’s name down if he didn’t mean it - for now, that’s what matters.

Whether or not he fully believed that was the reason didn’t matter, because Shiv and Roman joined you both after a few moments. You weren’t sure what answer they were going to come back with, but for the sake of your family being united, you hoped that it was going to be something positive. As much as it was hard for you to grasp Kendall becoming CEO, because you had seen him become incredibly cold in his search for power, that didn’t mean that you had to hate it entirely. Maybe he wouldn’t become too much like your father, maybe you were just far more worried about him than you really needed to be.

They were quick with their answer, confirming that they were going to be supporting Kendall, and for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile covered his face. He never looked that excited about anything, and it was nice to see. It was nice to be able to spend these few moments with your family, to enjoy your time with them and have them be happy about something. It was sad that Connor wasn’t involved in this, but you were taking what you could get. Right now, you felt like everything with them was going to be okay. They were going to support Kendall tomorrow, and he was going to be okay. Maybe you were going to have a tough time because of what you were sure you were going to have to do, but it didn’t really matter. You felt happy, you felt almost free to be laying around in this water right now.

Even if your mother had only invited you all here so her, Peter and Peter’s friend Jonathan could try to convince you to sell the company, it ended up being the one thing that could bring all of you together. The thing that made you all okay to work with each other, and made them respect the fact that you would not be voting tomorrow. It was one thing to sit here and tell them that you supported Kendall, but going into that room tomorrow and telling people no would make you look immature, and it would make the company look immature. They understood why you would not be voting tomorrow, but you still had every intention of being present for the board meeting.

The water was cooler than the air was, but it was nice. It was warmer than it was at home, it was relaxing to just be able to take a swim, to be able to enjoy yourself and not have to worry too much about what’s to come. For once, everyone was going to be okay. At least, it felt like everyone was going to be okay. You were swimming, having a good time and running off to do it in the middle of the night just like you had done when you were younger. But you weren’t young like you were then, you were all adults now, and you had all been through so much.

Once everyone started going back to land, looking for something to eat considering that you really hadn’t gotten to enjoy the dinner that was prepared for you, you found that there truly was very little in this kitchen. But you weren’t going to eat something yourself, you were going to make something for Kendall. something absolutely repulsive that was going to make him almost wish that he never asked to take control of the company. A meal fit for a king wasn’t something that you were new to, but it was something that always disgusted people when you told them about.

Looking around the kitchen, you ended up deciding that it would be good to pour whatever seasonings that you could find in there. Though, there weren’t a lot considering that there just didn’t seem to be a lot of cooking that went on in this kitchen to begin with, you were pouring whatever you could find in there. Salt, pepper, paprika, cinnamon, just anything under the sun because that was what you did. But then Roman found a cheese, a cheese that you’re apparently not supposed to eat, and while your mother came in to scold you all for making so much noise, you couldn’t help but feel overwhelming joy - something that none of you have really felt for a while.

For once, you all got to act like children again. Have fun with each other without someone else ruining it for you, just feel completely and utterly at ease with each other like you always would have been had it not been for the company getting in the way. Making the most disgusting smoothie that you could possibly think to make was not something that most people would find fun, but it was something that all of you found fun. It was just like how you were when you were younger, having fun and doing things that you knew you weren’t supposed to be doing. Laughing and smiling and not crying over something that someone else did or said.

Even though your childhood was far from perfect and some of you would end up getting hurt, or getting in trouble, or being made to feel like absolute trash because of something that your father did or said, it didn’t matter. Looking back on those negative childhood memories wasn’t something that you wanted to do anymore, at least, not right now. You wanted to remember the good times, the times like this. The times where you could just hang around your siblings and not worry about them using something that you said to them against you, not worry about anything because at the end of the day you really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to.

This was what mattered. Not the company, or the people in the company, or the people trying to buy the company. What mattered to you above all else was the same thing that mattered to you all of the time - being with the people that you loved. Being loved, and not feeling like you need to fight for that love just to earn it for once. You couldn’t keep fighting for love, and right now you didn’t feel like you needed to. So while it was a grotesque looking concoction that was bringing you all together and making you all smile and laugh, it didn’t have to be anything other than that.

Moving closer to Kendall, you watched as he looked at the drink. There was no way he was going to drink that, no possible way he was going to be brave enough to drink it. But he did take a sip, and he looked like it was the most disgusting thing that he had ever tasted. And then Roman poured it on his head, and it really was like none of you were worrying about anything right now. Roman had started the day so low energy, so broken down and feeling worthless, and now he was having fun. He was having fun and being himself, but not the version of himself that was so beaten down by the world your father had built, but the version of himself that licked Peter’s cheese and made weird jokes and actually seemed to be enjoying his life. And Shiv looked so carefree, when she always looked like she was trying to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. She didn’t seem worried about the way that she had been betrayed, or the way that Tom had been treating her recently, or the fact that she now knew she wouldn’t be the next CEO. She seemed happy, happier than she had in the long time. But Kendall seemed on top of the world. He seemed like the weight of everything that had been weighing on him for years was finally coming off, because he had gotten what he wanted. He wasn’t just becoming CEO, but he had the support and love his his siblings, and for once he looked like he believed that everything was going to be okay.

Eventually, though, you all had to go to bed. There was a big day coming up tomorrow, and staying awake all night wasn’t going to make you look any less credible. It was a testament to how much better everyone was doing right now, though, because you were almost positive that Kendall was going to be staying up all night earlier and now he was going to sleep.

As you moved to go back to your room, you noticed that your mother was sitting out on the terrace. A part of your brain was telling you to just go back to your room, that she was more than likely just upset that you were all making so much noise and that she hardly liked speaking to you to begin with, but something was telling you to go out there. She had been through being married to your father, someone so oriented around business that everything else always seemed to come second. If anyone was going to give you any real guidance on what do to about Lukas it was going to be her. But would she even offer if it you asked?

That look of understanding that she had given you earlier was what ended up guiding you outside, because maybe she could be the person to help you. “Sorry about that, we tried to keep it down.”

“I couldn’t tell.” She responded, though she didn’t seem awfully rude about it like you might have expected, she didn’t mind when you sat down in the seat opposite of her, your eyes wandering down to the moonlight that was reflecting against the water. Maybe you shouldn’t feel this uncomfortable trying to speak to your own parent about something, but that was just the environment that she had fostered.

“I think I need to break up with Lukas, and I know you went through a lot with my father so I wanted to ask you about it. About what he was like.” At first, she seemed surprised to hear you asking something like that, but she had met Lukas, and she wasn’t as surprised as you might have imagined.

“Why do you feel the need to break up with him?” She actually seemed interested in what you were saying, like she genuinely wanted to know what could have went wrong considering that you were trying to make things right with im just earlier this morning. But some things can’t be made right, and considering that she’s been divorced before, you’re sure that she knows that.

Though you weren’t sure how to say what it was that you needed to say, you knew that it needed to come out. The things that you didn’t want to say were challenging to speak about, but if you wanted to actually understand what was going on, you needed to be honest. “A few days ago, I got kind of jealous when I saw him talking to Shiv. And I had a good reason for it, considering that he told me months ago that he was sleeping with his assistant and sending her blood up until a month before I met him.”

“I’m sorry? He was sending her blood?”

“Yeah, yeah. Like. Bags of blood, I don’t really know why, he said that he thought it was funny at the time.” You stated, knowing that it was probably odd that you had brushed past that to begin with. “So when I saw him with Shiv, I took everything I was upset about out on him. Dad dying and him not being as communicative about what he was doing as I would have liked. Like that night he didn’t even come to see me because he was so distracted by business.”

“The night you saw him with your sister?”

“Yeah, that night.” You replied, glancing down at the ground. “I did bad stuff when I took it out on him, I almost slept with Shiv’s husband and I told him that. I apologized for it, I was completely honest with him when we got back together last night, and I thought he was being honest with me too.”

“Couldn’t you have almost had an affair with someone more interesting than Tom?” It was the same question that everyone kept asking you, and though it was amusing that everyone’s main concern was how Tom was a bit of a loser, it didn’t make it any easier to accept what you did.

“In my defense, I thought he was being cheated on too.” You responded, but you knew that there was more than that. Tom had been sleeping around over the summer, it was something that he was being blasted for online and something that Shiv knew about. He was willing to do it because him and Shiv had been trying to hurt each other for a long time, so you were contributing to something that you should never have been contributing to. “He hadn’t told me he loved me, and that was part of the issue because I told him that I loved him months ago. And then he told me at Shiv’s party and I said I didn’t believe him.”

“Was he lying?”

“No, he wasn’t lying.” Even with the things that you were going through right now, the thing that he had said that he shouldn’t have said, he had shown you for months that he loved you and if he hadn’t you would no longer be involved with him. “I do believe that he loves me, he told me again last night and I trusted him. I confessed everything to him and he- it wasn’t that he lied to me this morning, it was just that he didn’t really tell me the truth.”

She was silent as she listened, but it was clear that she was still listening. There was something on her face that you didn’t quite understand, an emotion that you couldn’t quite place. So you kept speaking with the knowledge that this was probably the longest conversation that you had ever engaged in with your mother.

“He told me he was making someone else CEO after he made Shiv think she would get it, but he didn’t tell me she didn’t know. I thought she knew, and I think he didn’t tell me just because he didn’t want me to jeopardize his big play and tell her.” Admitting it out loud was easy, but actually coming to terms with it was something that you didn’t want to do. “I thought we could talk this through, you know, because he asked me to move to Sweden with him in two days? But then he said something to Tom about how he wants to fuck Shiv, and now… even if he was just trying to make him uncomfortable or something just because he’s considering him for CEO I just don’t think it’s right that he would say that. It’s humiliating for me.”

The humiliation was something that you hadn’t really considered. Even if there were only a few people in the world who knew that he said it, those few people might see you as lesser than. Not good enough, the exact thing that you had been telling yourself that you were for your entire life. Fighting and begging for love and attention and approval and all he did when he said that was make you believe that you were right to do that, because you would never be enough on your own.

“And I love him, I really love him. But I don’t know if I can accept a life like that, feeling the constant need to compete with other women just for his love. It’s all I’ve done my entire life, and I just don’t think I can do it anymore.”

Your mother was silent for a moment, contemplating whether or not she actually wanted to speak at all before finally saying something. “Your father was very kind to me when we first met, he made me feel like the only woman he’d ever spoken to. I’m sure you saw it with that young girl that was at his funeral.”

Kerry, you had seen it. You’d seen the glances that they shared with each other in Virginia when they believed that nobody noticed, the way that he pampered her and made her feel like a part of the family even when everyone else was saying that it was absolutely disgusting that anything was going on between them.

“It wasn’t that he didn’t love me, but that he didn’t know how to stay interested. He would grow tired of the same thing, and move on to someone new and different.” That wasn’t something unfamiliar to your relationship, because going into it you knew that Lukas became bored of things very easily. “Business would always come before us, and it sounds like that’s the same thing that’s happening to you.”

“It is.” You hated to admit it outloud just as you hated to admit it to yourself, because you just wanted one person in your life to see you as more important than the industry. One single person to actually see you as a human being, but you’ve spent your entire life being nothing more than a vessel for people to get to your father, and nobody really has ever been able to see you as more important than this industry. Standing up, you knew that you had your answer. You could never expect an emotional heart to heart from your mother, but what you had gotten was more than enough for you. “Thank you.”

As you headed to bed that night, you knew what you were going to have to do tomorrow. There was no doubt in your mind that Lukas did love you, that no man like him was going to do the things that he had done for you if he didn’t, that he didn’t just say it because he wanted to have sex with you. He had countless people that he could have sex with, and he didn’t need you for that. He clearly did care about you, he wouldn’t have offered for you to move in with him if he didn’t, nor would he have comforted you after the funeral.

But sometimes, that just wasn’t enough. He was too invested in the business, he wanted nothing more than to be on top and part of that was probably because he was new money. You didn’t need to focus on the money or the things in life that you wanted when it came to power, because that was something that you had your entire life. There was no reason for you to try and climb the corporate latter when you were born so close to the top. He was devoted to ensuring that he was respected, that he was on top, that people saw him as a leader. He was focused far too much on that right now for him to be ready for a relationship, and maybe when he gets more comfortable at the top if he manages to win the vote he might be in a few years, but if he loses… even that would probably be out of the question.

After all these years of being focused on less than Waystar by your siblings, by your parents, by almost every single person that you’ve met, you wanted to believe that he was going to be different, that he was going to see you as something more than how most other people do. But he couldn’t be different if he was so invested in it, if it was all he really thought about. He was competitive to a fault, and willing to sell you half-truths if it meant that he was still winning while he has you on his side. But that’s not something that you can get behind, and until he overcomes that, you can’t just continue to put up with it.

Ultimately, his biggest issue is that he’s too much like your father while also being far more immature than your father. He didn’t consider your feelings when he did the things that he did today, and if he did consider them he didn’t do it enough. He didn’t think about you as much as he should have, just like he didn’t think about you as much as he should have in Norway. Lukas had acknowledged the fault in his actions, but while you wanted to trust the process and believe that everything was okay because you’re tired of being paranoid about everything, he couldn’t find it within himself to change. If he couldn’t change now, this just wasn’t going to work out. You’ve spent your entire life fighting tooth and nail for love, and you’re not going to commit to subjecting yourself to that for the rest of your life. You’re not going to become your mother, and allow him to continue on behaving how he’s behaving, because you know deep down that you don’t deserve it.

That’s not to say that you’re completely faultless in this entire issue, because there was a chance that he might have considered your thoughts more if you hadn’t distanced yourself from him until two days before the board meeting, but that just shows why it’s not the right time for you to be together. At this point, neither one of you seems to be ready for this, and you accepting that is the best possible thing that you can do so you don’t end up tearing each other apart in the name of the love that you shared for each other.

Maybe in the future, you would be good for each other. You would have moved past all of this and learned from your mistakes, but at this point in time, you know that tomorrow you’re going to have to break things off with him. Even if you’re at peace with this, because you know it’s what has to be done for both of you to be okay, that doesn’t make it much easier. You couldn’t not cry that night, of course you did, but it didn’t change what needed to be done tomorrow. You weren’t going to give him a call right now and ruin his night, it just wasn’t a conversation that was appropriate for the phone. No matter how much you spoke to each other on your phones, and no matter how much he loved technology, this was just a conversation that you were going to have to have in person.

Upon waking up in the morning, you were almost sad to be changing back into your turtleneck and trousers. That you were once again going back into the cold weather, the cold atmosphere that was currently driving you insane. Despite knowing that your relationship was about to end, you were still very much in love with Lukas, and you didn’t bother taking the necklace around your neck off though it was still tucked under your shirt. As was the hickey still covering your neck, perhaps the last one that you would ever receive from him.

No matter how sad you were, today was going to be a big weight off of your shoulders. There was never going to be a question of who would take control of the company upon the passing of your father, there would never be another debate between yourself and your siblings about who deserved it after today. Years of fighting over this was finally coming to an end, and though it was scary to face the music like this, it had to be done. It was going to be ripping off the bandaid, and somehow it felt less worrisome than the conversation that you were going to have with Lukas.

It was Shiv that you caught up with first while you slid your blazer on along with your shoes, Shiv who seemed almost like she wasn’t completely set on this but changed her demeanor the moment she noticed that you were looking at her. “Nervous?” You questioned, following her out to the car that was going to take you to the jet. You were pretty sure that Roman and Kendall were already there, so she must have just been waiting for you.

“Not really, you?”

“Very, but not quite as nervous about the board meeting.” You responded, getting into the backseat of the car. She still didn’t know why exactly you were breaking things off with Lukas, but considering that everyone saw him as a two-timing snake right now, you doubted that she needed you to break it down for her. Nobody liked him, nobody approved of you being with him in the first place, so him doing something to hurt you wasn’t all that shocking for any of them.

“Should I ask what he did to upset you? Besides lying to me.” She was being more cheeky with the last bit, but him lying to her was a big part of it.

“Shiv, him lying to you is what started making me wonder if I should end the relationship.” Being honest was the best option for you, even though you still weren’t sure if it was worth telling her what he had said about her. It’s not something that you really want people to know about because it’s embarrassing for you. It’s bad enough that Kendall, Tom, Greg and your mother know about it, does everyone need to know? “He didn’t tell me you didn’t know, and if I didn’t find out from… my source, I would have looked like a total asshole. But I did find out, and he made me live with that because I was going to have to be the one to tell you, I didn’t know Kendall was going to find out.”

“Your source? Mencken?”

“Him and Greg.” You said, not wanting to beat around the bush about who it was. Greg hadn’t called to tell you, but he hadn’t hung up the phone when Kendall handed it to you either. “And he apparently said that he wanted to fuck you, so, that was a little humiliating.”

“Fucking asshole.” She didn’t seem very phased by it, but she didn’t seem happy that he said something like that either. It was an insult to you, and it was also absolutely repulsive to her that him saying that was probably part of the reason why she wasn’t being selected for the position. Because no matter how hard she tried to get it, her being a woman somehow ended up getting in the way of her goals once again.

“I don’t know if he meant it, or if he was just saying it to make Tom uncomfortable because it was during their meeting.” She had seemingly almost forgotten that he even had a meeting with Tom, but there was some recognition in her eyes of it being mentioned to her when you said something. “But it doesn’t really matter, because I would never go around saying that to people for whatever reason.”

“You’re making the right decision.” Was the only thing she stated, because she knew very well what it was like to have to wonder if her partner is being loyal to her. For the past few months, she’s been dealing with story after story of people saying that Tom is being spotted out with different models, people who aren’t her. The media has been covering it, her circles have been talking about it, and she knew how much of a slap in the face hearing something like that has to be. She really didn’t need to say a whole lot, because you understood where she was coming from. And you knew that you were making the right decision, because you really just didn’t want to go back and forth in this cycle of yourself and Lukas hurting each other forever.

Once you arrived at the jet, you decided that it would be best to turn your phone back on. As you sat down in a seat beside Kendall, you watched as he frantically searched his phone for something. He was talking to people, getting as many people on the line as possible because he needed to have everyone supporting him through this. Today was the last day for him to try as hard as he can to end up becoming CEO of the company, and just having the support of his siblings and probably Stewy was not going to be enough.

You, however, looked through the messages that you had missed while you weren’t looking at your phone. The ones that stuck out to you were mainly people from work, people who didn’t know when any of you would be returning back to the city. But you didn’t care all that much about those ones, you cared about the message from Connor that was reminding you that today was the day that you could pick which of your father’s belongings that you wanted to take home. It was a sweet gesture, though you wondered if he was just going to be getting rid of everything and starting from scratch. There were certainly things that you wanted from your father’s desk, the pictures of you as a child, of the fun that you had before you realized just how wrong your life was. If he had asked you to do this days ago, you wouldn’t have been able to because that meant accepting that your father was dead, but now you had accepted it, and you were just doing your best to remember him.

There were some messages from Lukas, but none of them were urging you to respond to him. He seemed to be under the impression that you didn’t know about what was said last night, since he was still acting normal about everything. The best that you could offer him was that you would be back in the city in a few hours, and that you would be making a detour before the board meeting. You hated being this obscure with him, you wanted to tell him something about how you were going to need to have a talk, but it was better this way. It was better to tell him in person, when everything was said and done, because it felt inhumane to do it over the phone.

If you had somehow fallen out of love with him over all of this, maybe you would be okay with doing something so cold. but no matter what happened between you, falling out of love wasn’t something that you had done. He deserved the courtesy of having a frank and honest conversation, because truly you weren’t mad at him, you just know that you’re not right for each other right now. Maybe once you’ve gone to therapy, and he gets a bit lonely at the top and hopefully learns from his mistakes, you will be. But right now, as things stand, you just don’t want to hurt him anymore. You don’t want to be hurt him by anymore, and you don’t want to feel the need to prove yourself like you’ve felt the need to do your entire life.

The flight home had you feeling jittery and anxious, because this was going to be the thing that changes your life. Not just the fact that you were ending your very first serious relationship, but the fact that you were going to see who was selected to be the next CEO. You were going to know the answer to the question that you’ve been thinking about your entire life, and though you’re nervous and scared, you’re beyond ready to know. It’s been a long time coming, and just getting this over with means that you can hopefully move on. Move on from the death of your father, from the need for power and subsequent greed that he’s instilled in all of your heads. Today is going to be a lot, but it can also be the thing that sets you free.

Upon landing, your cars were directed to go to the place that you had spent so much time in, the home that wasn’t going to some random person that thought your dad was a genius, but to the son that was consistently ignored by him and by everyone else. This wasn’t going to be the last time that you entered this room, but it was going to be the last time that it looked how it did when you grew up. The last time that it was going to remind you so much of your father every single time you step foot in it.

It was nerve-wracking, because you knew this meant that you had to fully let go of your father. This meant that your childhood, and the man who raised you, were now a thing of the past. Dead, and gone, but not something that you can’t remember fondly even with the issues that they had presented in your life. This may be something that you’re nervous about, something that’s making your chest feel fluttery in the worst way, but it’s something that needs to be done. Something that it truly going to help you move on. Not that you’re in any sort of rush to move on, just that you have to. You have to move on if you want to be happy, all of you do.

Upon stepping inside, you were met with the sight of a few people who were more distantly related to the property being left on the outer circle, while yourself and your siblings were brought inside. Connor was waiting with Willa, and it seemed like he had put together an entire system to make this work smoothly. Something about it did feel a bit inhumane, but not in a bad way. He was just making sure things worked out, and this was probably the first time that you got to sit back and appreciate just how much work that Connor had been putting into this funeral. While the rest of you were worrying about business and Gojo and the beautiful Swede that wanted to buy your company, your oldest brother was the only one not concerned with it. The only one that seemed to be handling things well, and probably the only person besides you that had begun to see what was wrong with being so business oriented all of the time.

You followed everyone else into the room where Connor was playing a video, a video that must have been taken recently of your father having dinner with everyone else. You sat down on the floor, your legs criss-crossed as you watched the video.

“This was recent, wasn’t it?” You asked, turning to look at Connor who looked back at you. None of this seemed to be bothering him like it was bothering the rest of you, but he had been spending a lot more time trying to cope with it than any of you were.

“It was, you were supposed to be there but he said you were in Sweden.” That’s right. This was one of the last big dinners that you were supposed to go to with your father. One where just about everyone was invited. Where Kendall, Roman and Shiv didn’t show up because they weren’t really on speaking terms with the man, you had opted to stay away because you wanted to spend quality time with Lukas. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, you didn’t know.”

Kendall moved to wrap an arm around you, but at this point each of you were crying at least a little bit watching this video. Seeing how full of life he was, so soon before he would never be alive again. It was emotional knowing that the last few months where you could have spent time with your father you just didn’t. None of you did. Roman, Shiv and Kendall were fighting with him over the company, going to war with him over a shitty decision that he had made to hurt them. But you were frolicking around with Lukas, too consumed with your own lovesickness to spend any time with your father. Though you wanted to be hard on yourself, and you wanted to blame yourself, you couldn’t. He had become far too consumed with work, and it was his own fault that he didn’t have you with him in his last years. You were almost angry that he had been too stubborn to ever be genuine with any of you, because regardless of the horrible and cruel things that he did, each one of you still loved him in your own ways - and you were the only one that actually got to tell him that in the end.

Once you were all done watching the video, you wiped the tears from your cheeks and made your way over to the office. It was the first place that you were going to go, because you knew that was where he kept your favorite pictures. Two pictures, in particular. There was one of you when you were probably around seventeen. It was a framed photo of you holding a rifle, the only photo of you that he had taken himself. He, of course, claimed that this was going to be used in pro-NRA footage (and eventually it was when an expose claiming that you had a pistol in your drawer made your father go on a Pro Second Amendment media blitz) but he had framed it regardless. Then there was another picture, a picture of you when you were around four years old getting a piggyback ride from a teenage Kendall. It was one of your favorite pictures, so much so that it was the photo that you used for your wallpaper on your desktop at work. You had to have both of these for your home, there was no way around it.

While you were in the office, you marked a few of his journals that you wanted to keep as well. You had no idea how old they were, but you knew that you wanted to have them as an insight into his thoughts. Said thoughts were probably just going to be small notes and numbers, but they were written down thoughts. They were things that he deemed important, and it was important to you that you could have them so you could keep his voice in your head. You marked a pen as well, nothing special about the pen, you just wanted to have something that he wrote with in case you ever needed to sign some important and personal paperwork.

But there was one more thing in the home that you had to have, one thing that had been collecting dust since the last hunting trip. Your fingers danced over the walls as you walked closer to the case, your eyes transfixed on the flooring that you had become so accustomed to growing up. This entire place was going to change, but for the time being, you just wanted to remember it. You wanted to remember bouncing down these hallways as a child while yourself and Roman plotted a prank that you were going to play on the nanny. You remembered sneaking throughout this hallway before anyone could even notice that you were gone so you could get into the trunk of the car and follow your father to work. You remembered everything that you could, because this could be the last time that you ever got to see your memories in these hallways.

Finally, you reached your last destination towards the end. The gun that you used on every yearly hunting trip, the gun that your father had first used on your twelfth birthday when he taught you how to shoot. It was the thing that he used to teach you that you were going to need to be not just a killer, but to make the tough decisions and to be strong. As you opened up the case, you delicately placed a sticker over it before joining the rest of your family where they had met.

But you weren’t going to be staying here for very long, because your emotional moment was being cut short by business once again. It was incredibly draining, but it was apparently a for certain thing that Tom was going to be Lukas’ pick for CEO now. It made sense, it made sense that he picked him when he told you he was considering him to begin with. It made sense that he was saying horrible things to him and pushing him in ways that he probably shouldn’t have been for everyone’s sake. It all made sense, and it was making absolutely everyone livid.

Well, everyone except for you. You were calm as you gave Connor a hug goodbye, thanking him for putting this together and for caring so much about protecting your father’s legacy. You knew that he had never been the one that was appreciated by him, or seen by him, but he had done more for him this week than a single one of you had. You were beyond grateful for the care that he had put into this. But for now, you had to go with everyone else, you had to do this, you had to take care of things before you never had a chance to again.

This was going to be the ending of a lot of things. The ending of Waystar as you had known it for your entire life, the ending of the life-long question that you had been dealing with since you learned what a CEO was, the ending of your relationship, and a part of you wondered if it was going to be the ending of your work in this industry. It was stressful, but as you sat in the backseat of that car and thought about everything that had led up to this, you knew that it was good that it was coming to an end now.

However, you couldn’t shake the thought that no matter who retained control of the company, it would probably be for the best if you were no longer on the payroll. You’ve spent your entire life fighting for this. Fighting for a spot at the table, fighting to be recognized and respected and seen, and you’re just not sure that you have it in you anymore. Not only that, but you’ve seen how it’s torn people apart. How it’s ruined your relationships with your family, how it’s ruined the relationship that you have with Lukas. You have seen first hand how awful this business can be, and maybe it’s high time that you find something better to do with your time.

The drive to the office was far shorter than you would have liked it to be, but it’s often the times that you want something to take longer that it ends up being far shorter than you could have anticipated. But maybe you didn’t want it to be a long drive, maybe it being a short drive meant that it would be easier to do this, easier to get this mess over with. Everything would be a lot easier, because you weren’t going to have to worry about this forever. Within the next hour, everything that you’re nervous about right now is going to be over, and you’re going to be done thinking about it. Done questioning it and needing to wonder. It’s all going to be over soon.

Stepping inside the building, you followed your siblings up to the top floor, joining your brother in what was once your father’s office. This was the room that you’d been in while you first came clean about your relationship, the room that you were in when you were scolded for hanging out with Kendall and Naomi because you could be giving them information behind your father’s back. But this was also the office that you had come into as a child, that you had spent time sitting on the floor and drawing in. The office that you used to see in your dreams because you were thinking about it so frequently. You had made a lot of bad memories here, but there were a lot of good memories too. A lot of things that made you happy to think about, that made you miss the time that you had with your father. But that time was gone, and your father was gone. The only thing you could do now is try to move on.

Kendall seemed to have a majority of people on his side, and you took the time to go into your own office before everything else. You had made this office your own in the last few months, whether it be the picture from Virginia that you had taped pictures of Kendall and Connor onto, or the wallpaper of yourself and Kendall when you were young, or the framed picture of you, Roman and Shiv when you were a teenager - just enjoying the summer, having a good time together without any worries about everything else going on. But there was one new addition to your pictures, a framed photo of yourself and Lukas after he forced you to go hiking with him. It was a terrible experience for both of you, it was far colder than he had thought it was going to be and you weren’t used to walking up mountains, to be honest. But there was a nice picture of you that you’d taken, one that was supposed to be of you both overlooking the ground below, but ended up being of him kissing you because he thought it would be a ‘better picture’. In his defense, it was a better picture.

Ignoring the fact that the thought of the good times you had together made you want to cry, you took a second to remove that picture from it’s frame and slide it into your pocket. The more you looked around this room, the more you got the feeling that this was like the last day of school. After today, you may never be in here again, and the closer you get to the vote, the more that you hope that’s the case. You’ve always wanted this room, to have your own office and to be able to make it your own. But ultimately, maybe that just isn’t in the cards for you. Perhaps it’s better to make peace with that than it is to continue trying to force it to happen.

Right before you could bother checking your phone again, you saw someone in the doorway. It was Shiv, coming to let you know that it was about time that you made it into the board room. Though you weren’t actually going to be voting, you were still going to need to be there. You were still going to have to make your decision about whether or not you were going to stay at the company after this, and you were still going to have to end things with Lukas regardless of what happened the moment that he came into the office.

Throughout it all, your heart was pounding and your hands were shaking but you were going to need to do this. It was one of the scariest things that you’ve ever had to do in your life and you feel like your heart might explode out of your chest with the speed in which it’s moving, but you have to do this. You have to get this all over with, because this entire thing was always inevitable. From the moment that your dad first collapsed, this was going to be in the cards for you. And as much as you never wanted to face it, it’s just what has to happen.

As you sat down in the board room, you watched as other people started to come in. Ewan was the one that caught your eye, though you knew that he was one hundred percent going to be there. Though he was your uncle, you never got to spend very much time with Ewan because he didn’t get along with his brother, and though you didn’t ever get to know him very well, the speech that he had given at the funeral had yet to leave your mind. Sandi, Sandy and Stewy all came into the room, though you knew they would. Everyone was coming in here, and despite Kendall being confident that he was going to take this, you couldn’t help but wonder if that was actually the way that things were going to go.

Sitting back, you watched the way that Kendall tried to capture the room, the way that he was wanting to skip over the paperwork and get straight to business. The only thing that you could think of as he walked around the room, pouring people water and acting like he was on top of the world, was that he was making a terrible mistake. There is a time and a place to act cocky, and this is not it. This is not the time that he should be choosing to act this way, yet he is. Maybe it was going to be okay for him, maybe people would be put at ease by his demeanor. But people like Ewan? You weren’t too sure if this was something that he was going to be okay with.

However much you didn’t approve of that, you kept your mouth shut. You were not going to speak until it was your turn, and your turn came a lot sooner than you were hoping that it would. Everyone’s eyes were placed on you right now, but you had made it incredibly clear what way you were going to vote. Still, you could change that. You could, in theory, do whatever you wanted right now and there was nothing that anyone could do that was going to stop you from doing it.

If you wanted to change your mind here and now and vote yes to the merger because Kendall’s overconfident attitude is making you fear that he’s going to become too much like your father, you could do that. If you chose to vote no just because Lukas had hurt you and you wanted to secure your brother a win, you could do that too. But that wasn’t what you wanted to do. For the first time in your life, you didn’t feel the need to be an orchestral part in the company. You didn’t feel the desire, even, to take more of a part in this vote than just simply doing what you had told everyone in your life that you were going to do to begin with.

“I abstain from voting.” You stated, knowing that the moment it came out of your mouth is was going to be put onto paper, that your choice was done. If you went back on it for any reason you were going to look unprofessional, and it probably wouldn’t even be allowed. “I believe that it would be unprofessional because of my personal relationship with Lukas Matsson.”

Not only was it the decision that you feared making, but an admission that would be recorded in company records of a relationship. Though, you presumed that company records already knew about your relationship considering that Karolina was covering it up. Nobody in this room looked surprised by what you said, but you no longer had any reason to believe that they would. Everyone had found out about your relationship in some way or another, and now everyone was going to find out in some way or another that it was ending.

The meeting went on, and everything seemed to be going according to Kendall’s plan until it landed on Shiv. Shiv, who you had noticed looked like she might not be completely set on this when you had seen her this morning, Shiv who had believed until yesterday night that she was going to be the next CEO of the company. She looked like she was going back on her choice right now, her choice that all of you had believed was set in stone from the moment that you stepped in that kitchen in Barbados. This wasn’t good, and you knew that it was only going to get worse when the four of you started going down the hallway to discuss what was going on with her.

She was changing her mind, she didn’t believe that Kendall deserved to be CEO, and you started thinking back to what you had believed she was thinking when you first saw her yesterday. That even though she wasn’t going to become the next CEO of Waystar Royco, her husband was. But she didn’t even seem to like Tom very much anymore, and she definitely didn’t like that he was being selected from the way that she had stormed out of Connor’s home. But now… now you just aren’t so sure. Maybe it had nothing to do with Tom, maybe it had everything to do with her. Maybe she just didn’t want to allow Kendall the luxury of taking the title. Maybe she just couldn’t find it within herself to let him win the thing that everyone has been competing for. It made sense, it really did, but you didn’t understand why she had to do this now. You were so close to getting through this without tearing your family apart, and now everything was going wrong. Everything was going wrong, and you could see the way that it was going to make Kendall slip through the cracks.

“Shiv, I can’t go in there and change my vote. You need to vote no or it’s going to Lukas.”

“Maybe you need to stop letting your ex-boyfriend make your decisions.” She wasn’t thinking straight, but that still hurt to hear.

“I just refused to vote because he can’t keep making my decisions. I gave no opinion on our father’s company that I’ve been working at for years so I wasn’t biased.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t enough.” She was clearly losing her temper, but Kendall was losing his temper too. Shiv was coming up with any reason that she could think of to make a dig at him, and she just had to go for the lowest blow that she could possibly think of, that Kendall had killed someone. You knew that what he had done was an accident, but you didn’t expect him to outright claim that he didn’t to it. That he had lied about it, because you knew that wasn’t true, and you were sure that they knew it wasn’t true. But the way he was talking, he was saying it like he made it up to manipulate them into uniting against their father - like that was any better.

“Ken, that’s not true.” You commented, but he tried to ignore it. He knew that you knew the truth, but you didn’t go any further because you really didn’t want to. This company was tearing your family apart, and it had been for your entire life. That was why you never got to know Uncle Ewan, why you never really got to have any fun with your siblings that wasn’t interrupted by something serious. This was going horrible wrong, and you didn’t expect anything different. And you hadn’t even gotten into why Roman’s stitches were popped all of a sudden.

There was nothing that you could do to stop what was going on, and everything was getting out of hand. You finally moved to do something when Kendall started attacking people - like, physically attacking people. It was one thing that you were all constantly verbally fighting with each other, but it was another thing entirely to attack his siblings violently. To treat them this way, to treat them the same way that your father had treated his sons. He was lashing out, he was being insane right now, and you may have been defending him a moment ago, but you couldn’t keep defending him now.

This was what you had feared yesterday and the day before, this was why you were worried about him becoming CEO. Not because you didn’t think he deserved it, or because you thought he would be bad at it, or even because you wanted it. It was because he was going to become too much like your father. He did have his name as his middle name, so maybe it made sense that he was the one that became too much like him. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because he couldn’t have this. You couldn’t stop Shiv from leaving that room, because you didn’t want him to have it anymore. For his own sake, you could not allow your brother to become just like his father before him.

Once Shiv left he was standing in front of you again, Roman moving to sit on the table. Kendall had a crazed look in his eyes, a far-cry from the older brother that was pinching your cheeks last night to stop you from getting upset. No longer the boy that had given you piggyback rides when you were so young and small, when you had no idea what this company really was or what it did to people. He was standing directly in front of you, but what you saw was a shell of your brother. A version of him that you were afraid of.

“What about you? Just- uh- just go back in there and change your fucking vote.”

“I can’t change my vote, it’s don-”

“It’s not done, just go change it.” He tried to grab you, but you moved your hand away. This wasn’t him, he wasn’t acting like himself, and you weren’t going to do anything that was going to further deteriorate him. He was going to need someone to stop him from killing himself after this, sure, but it was better than him losing his mind and dying in the bathroom of his private jet, unable to speak.

“I’m not going to let you die like dad did.”

“Oh fuck you, you’re doing this for Matsson. I-I don’t even know if you actually love me at all.” You took a step back, unable to fully contain how hurt that statement made you. Your face twisted into a mixture of disgust, hurt, and depression all at once. He was gone before you could say anything about that, going straight for the board room in the hope that he could change what happened.

The moment he left, you made your way over to the window. This was the kind of view that you had always wanted, the view that you had now. This is what it felt like to be at the top, to have your own office, and it was the worst feeling in the world. Everything that was happening with your family right now wasn’t a result of who any of you were as people, but a result of the dynamic that had been forced upon you. The dynamic of constantly trying to beat each other, constantly trying to become more and more successful, but what good did it do you? What good did being at the top do for you, other than make you cold and empty inside?

You had seen Tom from the beginning of his time at the company to now, how he had once been a pretty kind and normal person, and how the need for power corrupted him from the inside out. But you had refused to see what it had done to Kendall until recently, how he had become nothing more than a shell of his former self. And he had hurt you today, but you loved him. And that was why he couldn’t be CEO. He had to be somewhere other than this office, he had to find something else to do, because this wasn’t good for him. He was too much like your father, and you didn’t even know if he could come back from where he was. The best you could do was allow your vote to remain how it was, because he needed to be free from the company if he wanted to survive.

But what did you need to do? You had dreamed of this your entire life, and you were being promised the right to stay at this company for as long as you wanted, but you just couldn’t allow yourself to be corrupted like that. You couldn’t become cold and cruel in the same way that everyone else had. For the first time, you’re truly accepting that this thing that you have, that you always dreamed of, isn’t for you. Today is going to be your last day with this company, and if nothing else had made that clear to you, seeing your brother like that had.

“They all look so small down there, don’t they?” You commented without look back, your eyes fixated on the people walking down below. The people living their lives, the people who might want the life you have but you can’t help but be envious that they don’t have to go through something like this. They always looked so small to you from up above, but you’ve never felt smaller in your life than you do right now.

“They do.” You turned back to look at Roman, wiping the tears that had fallen onto your skin off before walking towards him. You used the sleeve of your blazer to wipe the dripping blood off of his skin, placing your hand on his cheek though he didn’t bother looking at you.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“When have I ever been okay?”

You stopped for a moment, glancing outside the office. You could see Lukas coming in, Tom coming in and shaking hands with everyone that he could find. “I’m quitting today, I just wanted to tell you before I tell anyone else.”

Roman locked eyes with you, but neither of you had very much more time to discuss this. You were going to be needed in another room to sign some paperwork and take a photo-op. Though you knew that you were supposed to be signing something different than Roman was, you were going to end up needing to sign something else. You weren’t going to be continuing on in this company, and you weren’t going to be continuing a relationship with Lukas. As you walked through the familiar hallways, and looked at the familiar faces of the people who wanted to congratulate you for keeping a spot in the company, you knew that it wasn’t going to last.

Walking into the room where everyone was signing, you followed Roman. You avoided the way that Lukas moved toward you, saying that it was because you needed to look over the papers that you were going to be required to sign. The only one being presented to you right now was confirmation that you were going to be receiving payment from the buyout, and that you accepted the terms of this transfer of power. You clicked the pen that you had taken from your father’s home office and signed your name.

Roman left before you did, Lukas insisting that you stayed for a picture with him and everyone else. He seemed to be in such high spirits, but he had to notice the way that your smile didn’t meet your face. It was almost evil the way that he looked right now, how clean and nice he looked in his turtleneck. But you couldn’t do anything about that. You couldn’t think about that right now. Because as much as he made your heart flutter every time you saw him, he made it ache all the same. You were going to have to tell him that things were over, and he wasn’t making it any easier with the way that he held your arm around you once one picture with Tom beside him was taken, once he could get you next to him.

One thing that you did note, was that all it took from you was one glance for Tom to know that you weren’t staying. He’d known you for a long time, even if you didn’t like him very much right now. He knew from the way that you weren’t smiling, the way that you didn’t reciprocate the chaste kiss that Lukas pressed against your forehead, that whatever mess he heard went on with Kendall was your last straw.

The moment that you could get Lukas alone, you did.

“So there’s just going to be some more paperwork, but you could leave with me tonight-”

“I actually don’t think I’m going to be signing much more paperwork.”

He looked confused for a moment, but brushed it off as you just not wanting to read anything after going through so much stress. “You can do it another day, if you want. I have a printer in my house.”

“No, um-” You took a deep breath, closing the door of the small office that you had walked into behind you. This wasn’t something you took pride in, it wasn’t something that you wanted to do, but you had to do it. “I’m not going to be taking the job offer, this company is ruining my life and always has been.”

“Oh.” He was stunned for a moment, but he knew that there was a chance you were going to quit. You had told him that you wanted to quit, and that hopeful look that still remained in his eyes was breaking your heart. You wanted to forgive him, but he messed up, and he did exactly what you had needed him not to do. “That’s okay, you can still come live with me. Unless you need to stay for Kendall for a while.”

“I just- I don’t know, um, I don’t think I’m going to be going home with you at all.” You responded, his smile dropping as you looked at him. “I know what you said about Shiv last night, and I don’t care if you said it to make Tom uncomfortable or whatever, that’s fucking humiliating for me. Especially because you know that I’ve been fighting for my dad to love me for my whole life.”

“I’m sorry-”

“And I know that you neglected to tell me that you were fucking my sister over on purpose. I think we’ve done enough apologizing, and- I just need you to care more about me and my feelings than you do about business.” You hated this, you hated how it made you cry, you hated that he reached forward the moment that you started crying, and you hated that the moment that he got closer to you there was something in his eyes that you had never seen before.

“I do, I love you. I love you more than this stupid fucking company.”

“I believe that, but you don’t know how to give me more of your time.” You responded, trying your best to keep your composure. “I love you, I have never loved anyone in my life more than I love you. But we hurt each other, and we can’t keep fucking hurting each other.”

He was stunned, and that’s when he did the thing that you never thought that you were going to see him do. It wasn’t like he was sobbing, but he was crying. A tear or two, but more than you ever even thought was possible for him. It made you wonder what had been happening the past week, if he had been crying and you just didn’t know it because you hadn’t been there to see it.

“Maybe we’ll be good for each other in a few years, but right now I think we just need- we just need some time apart.”

Lukas didn’t really know what to say, but he let you hug him. He let you rest your cheek against him, let you hold onto him and embrace him and the way he felt and the way he smelled because you know it might be the last time. He hugged you back, his arms wrapped tightly around you. On a normal day, you might have melted at the feeling of him pressing his forehead against you, at the closeness of the embrace, but today, you just wanted to cry.

As you pulled back, you rested a hand on his cheek and wiped away the wet line that had fallen from his eye. You took your pen from your pocket and grabbed the photo from it as well, leaning over the desk to write him a note on the back of it. A note that you hoped that he would be able to use in the future, nothing extravagant, just the name of the town upstate that you liked looking at houses in sometimes. “I really wish we left yesterday morning.” He stated, taking the photo from you while you leaned over to give him one last kiss against his cheek.

“Me too.” You glanced at him one last time before you left. But you weren’t just leaving him behind, you were leaving everything behind. As you walked through the room one last time, it was difficult to keep your composure. It was difficult to feel anything other than an aching pain in your heart. But you kept your head held high, even with the tears streaming down your face, even as people realized that the last Roy being offered a position in your father’s company had just turned it down.

Tom stopped you for a moment, he was the CEO, you were going to have to let him know that you were quitting, but he knew, he had to know. “Can I ask why?”

“Because I can’t handle it, I can’t handle the pain and the venom. I don’t want poison in my veins, but maybe you can take it.” You responded, but he knew what Lukas said to him just as well as you did. He knew that you knew what he had heard, and he knew that it had come from Greg. Maybe he would blame that on why you were quitting, but he could think whatever he wanted. “I’m going to be babysitting for you, by the way.”

“I think we can afford a babysitter.”

“Yeah, but I wanna do it.”

“Okay.” There was a silent resignation on his face, but nothing could ruin his big moment. Even if your entire family was no longer willing to work for this company, and even if you kind of hated him right now, you were all still family. But that family was going to become a lot smaller if you didn’t go find Kendall and make sure that he wasn’t doing anything stupid right now.

As you parted ways with Tom, you didn’t open up your phone to call Colin quite yet. You wanted to take everything in, to accept that this was the end of everything that you once knew. Heading toward the elevator, you finally opened your phone and dialed Colin’s contact.

“Where is he?”

“Battery Park.” He was concerned just like you were that Kendall would do something if someone didn’t stop him, and you were going to be there. No matter what your brother said to you, you knew that was just the poison that was in his brain, the poison that had seeped through from your father. You had to be there, because at the end of the day, you were the two people that fought the hardest from the youngest ages. He knew you loved him, even if that might not compute in his brain right now, and you weren’t about to let that venom that dripped through to him hurt you too. You needed to be there for him, even if he didn’t want you to be.

“I’ll be there in five.” Hanging up, you got into the backseat of your car. Your head was a mess, you’ve had nothing to eat in a while now, and you were still crying even though you didn’t want to accept that you were crying. You were a mess, but you were a mess that was on a mission. You were going to get to Battery Park and find your brother, and you were going to make sure that nothing bad happened to him. Well, nothing worse than what’s been happening to him all day.

The moment that the car arrived at the park you took off running, sprinting frantically around and ignoring the curious gazes of people walking by you. But you knew the general area that you would find him, because Kendall always gravitated towards water.

Sure enough, you found him sitting there on the bench, staring into the full world like it was nothing more than a vast nothingness. You thanked Colin as you walked past him, before sitting beside Kendall on the bench. You didn’t glance over at him, you didn’t say anything to him, you just reached over and grabbed onto his hand. To your surprise, his fingers wrapped around yours.

It was cold outside, too cold for you to be sitting here without a coat on, but you couldn’t really feel the air seeping into your bones. You couldn’t feel the way that it was going to inevitably make your body stiff the colder you got, because you chose to be with Kendall for more than one reason. Not just because you didn’t want to allow yourself to never forgive him for what he did and said in that office, and not just because you were worried that he was going to kill himself without supervision. Though, you were very worried about that. Him saying that he would die if he didn’t get the position that he wanted might not have been taken seriously by your siblings, but considering that he had just promised you that he wouldn’t kill himself and you had trauma from him trying it before, it was taken seriously by you.

But there was another reason, the whole reason why you had gravitated to him so much to begin with. He may have been promised the position as a kid to become so invested in ensuring that he got to be successful in the future, but you were constantly fighting for it too. You both fought harder than anyone else, you devoted so much time and energy into being on top from the moment that you knew what it meant. While he had something that he could grab onto, a promise that he would someday be CEO of the company, you had been fighting just so you could receive that promise. Albeit for different reasons, you had devoted so much of your lives to being on top of the company. It was the only dream that you ever had, the only goal that you ever set for yourself, and though he had been forced out of his dreams, you choose to let them go.

Neither of you had much direction without Waystar, neither of you fully knew where you were going to end up now. Kendall might not want to end up anywhere. He might want to end up dead, and you understood that, but you wanted to keep living - it was just that you had no idea what any of that meant.

As you watched the horizon, you could feel that crippling fear taking you over. You had no idea what you were without your father, without the company and without the connection between all of your siblings. You had no idea what anything meant right now, or who you were, or what you could even do in life without Waystar and the idea of power of love and approval filling your mind. Everything felt so up in the air, and you allowed yourself to cry as you sat on that bench.

Closing your eyes, you took in the smell of the cool fall air, the sound of children playing in the park like they had no other care in the world. You remembered what it was like to be like that, to smile and to laugh and… really, you never had that luxury. You never got to just be happy, because there was always something there weighing you down. There was always something looming, but now what was left to loom? There were billions of people on this planet, billions of people that have no idea what you’re going through.

Upon opening your eyes, you could see that. You could see it more clearly than you had ever seen it before. Your life was more than what you were made to be, you were more than Waystar, because the world had a lot more to offer than what you knew. The people walking hand in hand, smiling, not even thinking about the things that were happening right now. The water that had been there for years, that you never once thought about while you were up in that building and thinking about how small everything else was. From down here, nothing was small, nobody was small, and you might just be seeing that with a fresh set of eyes for the very first time.

Though you were still terrified of what the future held, you wanted to see what the world had to offer outside of Waystar. And even if you were going to have to take some time to babysit your older brother, you wanted him to see it too. You wanted him to get the poison out of his veins, because you had been able to prevent it from getting into yours.

For the first time in a long time, you didn’t feel like there was another shoe that was going to drop. You felt hopeful, and through falling tears, a genuine smile covered your lips. Because even if you hadn’t realized that it was what you wanted, you were finally able to be free.

Chapter Text

The sight of the fallen snow on the ground has become something that you’ve grown more and more used to over time, though you’ll never get quite used to the way that it looked when it’s not covered in gray sludge from the city traffic. Snow was never something you really needed to think about, but you were often disgusted to be walking through it in your expensive shoes, the filth from the cars and other people’s feet feeling like it was seeping into your own shoes. But now you loved it. You loved to watch it fall, to know that it was all your own. Because in the last three years, a lot has changed in your life.

The first month and some change after the Waystar incident was difficult for you, despite the feeling of freedom that overwhelmed you the moment that you sat down on that park bench. You went home with Kendall that night, and he was too depressed to say anything about you popping a Plan-B pill right in front of him before going to bed. A month passed in which you slept in the same bed as your brother as if you were both children, attached at the hip. Part of it was for your own sanity, because you weren’t sure if you were capable of sleeping alone quite yet. But a lot of it was because you were worried that if you left him alone for even a moment you would find him in the bathtub or something, and you couldn’t stomach the idea of losing your brother like that.

But it wasn’t just the nights that you were conjoined at the hip, it was the days, too. For about a week you only got out of bed to get water, you didn’t know what to do with yourself and you were in a bit of a depressive slump. After that first week you started venturing out, crying on the living room floor and wearing one of Lukas’ sweaters while loudly singing along to Taylor Swift. Though you were quite literally living with Kendall, he didn’t have the heart to tell you that you didn’t sound all that good crying your eyes out and and belting out the lyrics to your favorite songs. After that second week you sent back most of Lukas’ things, but you purposefully kept his blue cardigan. It was one of your favorites of his, it was long on him and it touched the floor when you wore it, but it felt like a warm hug and a blanket all wrapped into one.

But after about a month you started sleeping in your own bed, once you had assurance that your brother wasn’t going to kill himself (you weren’t one hundred percent sure, but he promised that he wouldn’t and you wanted to believe him). Then you started getting him out of the bedroom more, getting him to help you cook, to help you clean up the dust that was starting to accumulate in your apartment. He listened to you explain why you decorated the way you did, that you chose a vintage art deco style because it reminded you of the kind of penthouses that you imagined when you were growing up. But you started showing him other things, too. The houses that you were looking at upstate in Westchester, houses on the lakefront that had a beautiful view like the one that you had while you were in Barbados.

After about two months, you convinced him to go to therapy with you. A dual therapy session is probably not ideal, especially because there’s so much to unpack with the both of you, but the co-dependency that formed after everything went down made it difficult to imagine being there alone. It was nice, though. After the fourth session you were finally able to talk about that day, about how Kendall attacking your siblings and telling you that you didn’t love him was a horrible thing that he did. He was still struggling with it, but you went back to your now-shared apartment anyway. In truth, you doubted that he would ever be able to fully recover, but if he could at the very least have an okay life you would be able to feel like you had done your job as someone who figured out before it was too late how to stop the poison from seeping into your veins.

But it really wasn’t all for him. Even on month three you still needed someone to rely on, and you liked having him around. You liked having someone who you trusted beside you, someone who you knew wasn’t going to hurt you on purpose because anything he ever did to hurt you was often just a misunderstanding. Sure, being in your late twenties and living with your forty year old brother is probably not something that most people consider ideal, but it was a whole lot better than forcing yourself to suffer alone.

On about the fourth month following the death of your father and the acquisition of the company, you successfully convinced Kendall to go on vacation with you. So, for about three weeks you lived in Greece rather than your apartment in New York. It was nice there, it was so far removed from everything that you knew and it allowed you to truly feel more free than you had in a long time. Though Kendall wasn’t as enthusiastic as you were, and he still didn’t understand why you were running around singing ABBA song even when you forced him to sit through both Mamma Mia films with you, he did seem to be enjoying himself.

Because it was relaxing. It was different from what you were used to, and it didn’t make you feel the pressures of the world that you had been feeling. For once, you felt like a full human being and that feeling had you entirely euphoric. Though you were still sad sometimes, and you did miss Lukas even though you were the person that broke up with him to begin with, vacationing and getting away from your home brought you a lot of comfort because you really didn’t need to think about anything else. Ultimately, full human beings experience the horrid and desolate thoughts that were plaguing your mind, and you didn’t need to be miserable just because you have emotions.

Maybe it wasn’t the way that you anticipated things going in your life, but you had genuinely never been more at ease with things than you were wandering around Greece. Worries about the company had started to fade from the back of your mind, because you no longer needed to worry about that. You got your payout from the acquisition, you forced Tom to bring your things from the office to you because you didn’t want to go get them. Anything you knew to do with the company now was just something that you heard from Shiv, and you never realized how freeing it could be to not have to think about the one thing that you had always wanted more than anything.

By the time that you returned home from Greece, you had transitioned into spending more time looking for homes upstate. Something about being so far away from the city did something for your brain, it made you aware of why you were looking for these homes and why you took such great pleasure from imagining yourself living somewhere other than the place that you’ve been your entire life. The place that holds the company that you were once a part of, that reminds you of everything that your father once stood for and everything that he made you go through. But even your apartment itself was upsetting for you, because the only thing you could think of while you were there is the time that you spent with Lukas or the times you came home from work, miserable and broken. Going back to your father’s summer house that you stayed at wouldn’t bring you much peace, considering the fact that you spent a lot of time with Lukas there as well. But making your own home, leaving and starting over, could do a lot for you.

Around the six month mark, Kendall went back to his own apartment and you did your best to adjust to being alone in this place. It wasn’t like you weren’t seeing your brother super frequently anymore, because you were still talking a lot and going to therapy together a few times a week, but you needed to learn to be a bit less codependent on him. Even with that dependency, you were doing a lot better than you ever were before. And you were still talking to your other siblings. You made peace with that had happened with Shiv during the board meeting after the first month.

Part of it was because she was pregnant, and though she refused your help when you first came over to see her, once you tried to reason that you were going to have kids of your own some day and would want the experience, she let it happen. Assuredly, this was for both of you and your excuse really didn’t mean anything because you were incredibly single and still very much in love with your ex, and she probably knew somewhere inside that you weren’t doing this so you could get experience with children. But she wasn’t really getting help from Tom, and she didn’t have a father or healthy relationship with her brothers anymore. So you brought her vitamins and foods and things to ease the pain, and talked to her while she vented about everything going on in her body and how she just wants the baby out. About how much more painful it was than anyone warned her about, and about how she doesn’t know if that’s something that you’re even going to want to do because she wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

After a while, you no longer needed to ask Shiv if you could come over because you would just do it anyway. You would come over with some kind of gift, Tom would often times greet you at the door and ignore the two of you for the rest of the time that you were there, and it was nice. It was nice to have an actual, normal conversation with your sister even though you knew that once that baby came out it was going to be a lot less frequent that you were talking to each other like this. Sure, she did agree that it would be nice if you watched her baby, especially because you’ve already been dogsitting for Mondale for a long time, but that meant that your communications would probably be shuttered to just when you were picking up and dropping off the child. Even then, it might be Tom that you’re communicating with depending on what Shiv’s doing.

But it really didn’t bother you all that much. You didn’t think too much about anything bad, because you no longer felt the need to. Just thinking about something bad that could happen in the future is something that you’ve been doing for your entire life, and you don’t want to think like that any longer. You don’t want to have that negative outlook on life that leaves you feeling shattered, and over time it became easier to ignore those thoughts. Plus, you’ve learned to let go of your ill-will against Tom.

Around four months into the recovery process, you ended up forcing (begging) Tom to go to therapy with you just once so you could speak about what happened between the two of you in a safe and professional setting. It was something that you were going to need to do, because even if he pissed you off he was still family and you couldn’t just hate the father of your niece or nephew. Part of it was for Shiv, because it was clear that they weren’t going to be divorcing any time soon and you wanted to have a healthy dynamic with her side of the family, and part of it was for you, so you could air everything out and no longer feel like you were suffering in silence.

It was good, speaking to him about how you considered him a friend and how he let you down. About how you weren’t in a good frame of mind when you nearly hooked up with him and he should have been able to see that. And while you doubted that it changed him very much, you were able to make peace with everything. You would never consider him a friend again after everything he did, and everything he put your sister through, but you didn’t have to consider him a friend. At some point, you stopped fishing for validation from everyone that you met.

The same kind of dynamic was what you had with Greg now. You were mainly social media friends with Greg. He followed your private Instagram account and you liked each other’s posts. While he didn’t do anything to personally offend you, you could see through him now. Whatever part of you still saw him as that innocent cousin that was just looking for a family and people to care about him that you had first met was gone. He was looking for power now, just like everyone else was. He was playing the game, and you just didn’t want to be involved with people who were playing those kinds of games anymore, at least not in the way that he was.

Something about the fact that he had tattled to Lukas without even asking you what happened between you and Tom just didn’t sit right with you, it felt like he was trying to have an in even if it meant throwing you under the bus to do it. He had become incredibly selfish, more selfish than he was when you met him. Though you had moved past holding any kind of grudge on him, you no longer felt any sort of kinship either. All you really liked about him to begin with was that he was your age, and that he understood your references. But you could find that in someone else. You could find something similar in someone like Willa, you didn’t need to worry about people who you believed were going to let you down anymore.

Speaking of Willa, your relationships with her and Connor didn’t really change all that much. Connor wasn’t too surprised to see you leaving the company, considering that you were constantly complaining about how tired you were of everyone making everything about work. He didn’t have a problem with Lukas like your siblings did, so he was a lot more sympathetic about you being upset about needing to break up with him because he held no real grudge against him. He didn’t like the things that you told him, the things that you told him about Lukas and why you needed to break up with him. But that was just because he didn’t want you to be treated that way. But he was proud of you, proud that you had managed to take a stand against being mistreated and that you knew when to walk away.

With Willa, you had always been rather friendly with her but never got to spend a whole lot of time with her because you were constantly working. Having the free time to actually speak to her and hang out with her is nice, especially considering the fact that you doubted that you would have ever made the time to go get coffee and lunch with her during your time working at the company. It was nice to have someone that you could randomly ask on a Tuesday afternoon if she wanted to go get coffee with you, nice to have someone who definitely saw you as more than the company that you were once a part of because she really didn’t know all that much about the company. Overall, it was nice to have someone in the family that didn’t feel like the family that you had grown to know, it was refreshing.

But then there was Roman. Roman was different, because you didn’t know what to expect from him after everything went down. He seemed to have some sort of understanding about everything that Kendall didn’t, he seemed to believe that all of you were nothing without the company and that negative frame of mind was something that you wished that you could take away from him. Roman was never outward with that kind of thing, he would mask his feelings with humor and cope by saying repulsive things to push people away so they wouldn’t want to pry into him. But you’d seen him at his worst moments. You started cleaning up his wounds and comforting him when you were roughly five years old, too young to understand why you were even trying to stop him from crying. You had been there the day of the funeral, holding his shaking hand and physically latching onto him in the car like two pathetic children just trying to make everything go away.

Nothing that he could ever do or say would push you away from him, and you weren’t sure if he quite understood that. Roman didn’t want to visit your apartment, which is where you usually met up with him, because he knew that you were living with Kendall and he didn’t want to deal with that. So, you went to him. You didn’t try to force any life advice or therapy on him because you doubted that it was going to help. The best thing you could do was offer your emotional support, because seeing him so upset made you want to cry, especially because you were doing a lot better than you ever had been before. He didn’t like it at first, he didn’t like that he felt like he was being babied by his little sister but when you took a step back he complained because he didn’t want you to leave him alone, no matter what he claimed that he wanted.

The time that you spent with Roman varied from week to week. Some weeks, he wanted to be around you a lot. Other weeks, he seemed to just want to be completely alone. But it didn’t really matter, at the end of the day. Because you knew that he wasn’t shutting you out completely, and you knew that you were able to still keep that connection with him that you had always had. Reading Roman was something that you had to get good at when you were younger, so now that you were older it was something that you were good at. It felt natural trying to figure out what he was feeling, and how he was feeling, because it was something that you had been doing for your entire life.

But he never made it easy for you. Eventually, he did start coming out of that cage that he had chosen to lock himself in but that didn’t make him make more sense to you. Roman was always confusing, and he was even more confusing now because he wasn’t really pretending to be okay like he always did. He had succumbed to his issues, rather than tried to outrun them. There were some things that you could help him with. You could help him to not feel so alone, help him to not feel like he was nothing without the company. You could try your best to convince him that he was something without your father around, but there were also things that you couldn’t help him with. His issues with sex, and his sexual repression. His trauma, and the way that he had no idea how to cope with it. Those were things that he was going to have to go to therapy for, and though he was a little better, he still seemed unwilling to admit that he needed to speak to a professional. The best that you could do was try to convince him, but even that was mainly a fruitless effort.

Eventually it got easier, though. Eventually you weren’t just talking about what had gone wrong in your life, you were just hanging out as friends like you had always done. You were forcing him to go to the movies with you because you were ‘single now’ and ‘had nobody else to go with because Ken only wants to see art films and sometimes you wanted to see boom boom popcorn movies’. Sometimes you got him to go to lunch with you, other times you just got him to let you come over so you could both talk about nothing and act like actual siblings, how you should have been acting for the last few years and would have been if issues hadn’t gotten in the way.

After a few months, he started teasing you about the way that you cried over Lukas as if you weren’t the one that broke up with him and you made him sit down while you explained that if you didn’t break up with him you would still be crying anyway. Though it did still hurt, and you were still emotional over it, the fact that you were able to take his remarks lightly meant a lot for both of you because it did mean that you were making some progress, even though you were still very much in love with the tall Swedish man and hadn’t made an attempt to move on.

Around the six month mark, Roman started teasing you for something else. Well, something that happened around the six month mark of moving past things. He started teasing you about two months after it started happening, because that was how long it took for him to figure it out. That was how long it took for anyone to figure out, anyone besides Kendall who knew it was happening because he had seen interactions that spelled it out for him clear as day.

See, you were friendly with Jeryd Mencken. You would venture to say that you were friends with him, that you had been friends with him from about one month into working with him because you spent so much time together on the job and got to know each other. But you never considered him as anything other than a friend. Sure, he was tall, had nice hair, nice eyes and a nice voice. But the only person in the world that you had eyes for was Lukas. But you had needs, and after around six months of being single a part of you felt like there was no reason for you to not sleep with someone else.

Really, you figured that out after around four months and played a game of cat and mouse with your older male friend until you ended up at the same gala, and you found yourself pressed against the wall of the bathroom and unable to stop yourself from going all the way because you desperately craved sexual gratification and you preferred to receive it from someone that you considered a friend. It was nice, and then it happened again. It kept happening and it kept getting raunchier and raunchier and you couldn’t complain about it. You rather liked it, you liked sleeping with him, you liked the way that he made you feel, and now that you found yourself physically attracted to him you couldn’t stop finding yourself physically attracted to him.

But that friendship continued to grow. You were friends with him before, but something that you had been looking for in a friend was someone who saw you as more than your past. Someone who you knew didn’t look at you like you were a shell of your father. You never really had a lot of friends in the past because of your father, the friends that you did have were either people who were related to you, people who betrayed you, or people who your father made you betray because you would have done anything to get and keep his approval. Throughout everything, all you really wanted was people that didn’t look at you and just see the shadow of your father looming behind you. Willa was like that, she saw you as more than your father but she was also family.

But the one thing that always drew you to your friendship with Jeryd was the fact that he made fun of you. He could be a real asshole and everyone else was too scared of your family name to be an asshole to you. It was nice to have someone to make fun of you, nice that you were able to make fun of someone in such a big position of power back because he wasn’t going to do anything about it other than say something rude in retaliation. Nothing rude was ever meant to offend, but even the slightest jab was something that a majority of people would never make toward a Roy unless they were good and truly pissed (or believed that they were above consequence).

He would call you a desperate whore, and you would call him a ragged old man. He would tell you that you’re a nepotism baby, and you would tell him that he’s the second coming of Mussolini. It was nice because it was refreshing, and it was refreshing to have a friend. It was almost therapeutic once you realized that he actually didn’t really care that you were a Roy, because he stood to gain nothing from you. So, you went shooting together. He made sexist comments about you shooting him in the face accidentally, got super horny, and you both ended up calling the shooting quits early because for some reason the sight of you with a gun turned him on way too much, but him standing behind you and trying to position the gun for you (when you knew exactly what you were doing and he just wanted to get you hot and bothered) did exactly what he wanted it to do and made you desperate.

Sometimes it was something else. Sometimes you had to go to family events because you weren’t just going to pretend that you weren’t a Roy just because you left the company, and sometimes you would hang around him more than anyone else because he was a friend. It wasn’t like you were his mistress. Well, technically you were, but his wife knew that you were sleeping together because you made sure that she was okay with it before you did it. That was the thing about a lot of these political leaders, they can have the most authoritarian opinions on the nuclear family and be in open relationships (though he would never call it an open relationship, that’s too progressive). So, you just made yourself appear like you were nothing more than a family friend that got invited on camping trips by him and his wife, a family friend who babysits for him when he’s away because you really enjoy taking care of children. He was, though, genuinely amused to find you slouched over on the couch beside his equally slouched son, eating a bag of Baked Cheetos and competitively playing Fortnite.

About a year after everything went down (the day after Halloween, to be exact) you moved into a house that you had been looking at upstate in Westchester. It was a house on the lake, overlooking the water and giving you more time to relax. More peace and quiet, and not at all any less of your Presidential fuck buddy. In fact, being out somewhere that less people were looking into made it easier for you to spend time with him, because people weren’t trying to find scandals in every little thing that he did.

There were rumors, but there were always rumors. The most idiotic rumors existed about people in the political office that he was in, so you didn’t think much of them. You didn’t think much of them when you brought him as your plus one to two annual RECNY balls because one. It's good press for him to be close enough friends with a Roy that he’s being invited to family and events and two. It's good press for your entire family to be friends with the President, so there was no reason why not. Plus, you knew that Lukas was going to be there and it was comforting to have someone that you considered a friend there. Sure, you hooked up afterwards and complained about the long drive back to your now distant home like horny teenagers on prom night, but you still hooked up afterwards.

The thing was, though. Despite your friendship, despite eventually considering the man a close friend, and despite the fact that you were having hookups (sometimes multiple times a week), you weren’t in love with him. You cared about him, you like being around him more than you liked being around other people. You liked that he gave you access to the nuclear war bunkers just in case and made you come to a drill, you liked the way his hands felt when he lit up a cigarette for you. You liked that he didn’t mind that you liked platonically holding hands with people once you got past the one, initial, strange hand-holding incident because it was just something that you’ve been doing since you were a child and you don’t understand why people have to make it into something that it’s not. But you couldn’t bring yourself to be in love with anyone other than Lukas.

In the last three years, you haven’t fallen out of love with him. The interactions that the two of you have are few and far in between. Sometimes, you’ll see him at events and stop to say hi, ask how he’s doing and to make sure he’s alright. But you’re not really talking, and you often end up standing there thinking about The Story of Us by Taylor Swift because it really did feel like you were both trying to figure out who could act like they cared less. It absolutely did pain you to be in the same room as him, to know that maybe someday you could talk things through but you just couldn’t because if he wasn’t going to try then he probably hadn’t really changed. Sometimes it was difficult to remember that you did the right thing, and that you had only broken up with him because it felt like the right decision.

From time to time, you would like each other’s posts on social media. Sometimes you would even comment, say something nice about a decision he made or respond to him if he asked about a trip that you took. It was civil stuff, stuff that you would say to anyone. But you know that he’s not just anyone, and it drives you absolutely insane that you’re being reduced to speaking to him like he isn’t the first (and only) person that you ever fell in love with. Like you don’t still love him after three years and wish more than anything that he could just figure his shit out and reach back out to you. Because you do want that. You gave him the name of the town that you were looking at houses in because you did hope, someday, that maybe he would be able to prioritize you enough that he would come and find you.

And there are certain things that you’re somewhat aware of that give you hope. You know that he asks Tom about you, that Tom shows him the pictures that you send him of you taking care of his and Shiv’s kid because he feels like he has to. Well, the first time he felt forced into it and kind of felt bad but you told him it was fine because really, it is fine. If Lukas wants to see pictures of you taking care of someone’s child, Lukas can see pictures of you taking care of someone’s child. If Lukas wants to know that you shared a bed with your older brother for a month, Lukas can know that if he finds someone who’ll tell him, because of all the slimy things Tom did, he didn’t tell him the full extent of your mourning period. Mainly because he knew that it would piss Shiv off, but it was still a nice gesture. Or the bare minimum, but for your family the bare minimum was a nice gesture.

Then there was Greg. Lukas was friends with Greg for a grand total of roughly two days, and then Greg pissed him off by exposing his plan to Kendall, and by exposing to Kendall, and you, what he said about Shiv. He no longer has any kind feelings toward Greg after what happened, but allows him to stay at the company, though he’s certainly not as highly paid as he once was. Though he doesn’t like Greg anymore, he does like threatening him to make him give him his phone so he can look at your private Instagram. This would be more of a violation of your privacy if you didn’t know about it, but Greg told Tom and Tom told Shiv and Shiv told you and ultimately you told Greg that it was fine. Even though you know that you should maybe create some distance, you kind of want him to have those updates, because you miss him more than anything and you wish that you could have an update like that on him. But you can’t. The best that you can do is occasionally text Ebba in confidence and ask about him.

Or, the many, many times that you came by to babysit for Shiv and Tom only to ask Tom how Lukas was doing because you knew that he was in town. Or the times that you texted a barely asleep Tom in the middle of the night because you knew that he was on a business trip with Lukas and wanted to know how he was doing. As much as you were getting better, and you were moving on, there was a large part of you that wanted updates. You wanted to know how he was doing, and sometimes those updates hurt but him sleeping around came as no surprise to you. Plus, you would be a total hypocrite for being angry about it considering that you were sleeping around too.

Kind of.

You were mainly sleeping with one person, but there were a few times you slept with others. Take, for instance, what you liked to call your ‘Do-Over’. See, you had sex with two people before you had sex with Lukas. The second person is irrelevant, some man that was giving you eyes during a business meeting but fucking him at work turned you way off because your dad was in the building and he was all you could think about at the time so you just pretended that you came. Plus, it just wasn’t all that impressive. The first time, though, was a girl that you met in college. You had dated her for about a month before you tried to go all the way, but for the life of you, you just could not orgasm. You were so distracted, so worried about your family and your issues and you didn’t want your father to be disappointed in you for having sex so you couldn’t do it and you broke up with her.

The Do-Over was having sex with a woman and actually orgasming, and it was something that you did multiple times. For the most part, though, you stuck with the person you trusted because you knew that he wasn’t going to do anything to actually piss you off. He stood nothing to gain from you, he stood nothing to gain from pissing you off, and you really had no reason to be afraid around him. Even with that, even with a personal connection and a sex life that you never had before and even a few new friends that you made since you were closer to Willa than you were before and you’d managed to make some friends during your visits to The White House, you couldn’t ever seem to fully get Lukas off of your mind.

To be clear. You were not constantly agonizing over him. But you never deleted the messages that he sent you. You never deleted the videos that he sent you, or the voicemails that he left you. Your album of pictures of him took up quite a bit of storage on your phone, and sometimes all you could do was sit there and cry about it while you listened to your designated ‘Lukas Crying Playlist (Taylor’s Version)’, which consisted of only Taylor Swift songs that made you cry. Sometimes you made Connor take you to Karaoke and either soberly sang to Taylor Swift and cried, or drunkenly sang sad Whitney Houston songs while crying. Either way, you were doing a considerable amount of crying.

But you didn’t just cry. When you weren’t thinking about him, you were the happiest that you’d been in years, maybe even your entire life. No more worries about the company, no more worries about whether your father approved of you and what you were doing. No more worries about anything that was truly debilitatingly stressful. You weren’t even super worried when you reached your thirtieth birthday. Even though you got a polite happy birthday Tweet from Lukas, you still weren’t worried, anxious, or sad. You were happy to have a birthday. Happy that you had managed to free yourself from the company, even if it took seeing Kendall in the worst state that you had ever seen him in to do it. There were things to be sad about, feelings that could often get you down if you spent too much time thinking about them. But there was no reason to let that ruin your life, when there were a lot of things to be happy about.

Things like the new pictures that you have sitting atop your fireplace of Kendall and yourself smiling in front of the Washington Monument, pictures of you holding your niece in the hospital (though that memory was bittersweet, because yourself and Connor were the only ones that visited Shiv in the hospital). Pictures of you and Roman out for lunch, or pictures of yourself and Willa enjoying a nice day at the salon. The point is, despite the fact that the childhood that you had, the life that you had built your entire world around, was gone, you weren’t miserable. You were making new memories, happy memories, and you had something to smile about.

No longer did you need to constantly worry about going into the office, when you could just sit in the comfort of your home and watch your favorite movies. Sometimes you would just sit there reading, other times you would listen to your favorite music and hold a personal and private concert in your living room. There were a lot of things in life that you were missing out on when the only thing that mattered to you was your father and his thoughts, and you were finally able to see that. You were finally able to see what you wanted in life, and still, there was a part of you that wanted that future to include Lukas. But maybe that could never happen, and maybe you were just going to have to move on with your life knowing that not everything that you want in life is going to work out for you. Ultimately, you can’t be the one to go running back to him. If he’s truly changed his ways, he’ll come to you, and if he doesn’t, there’s nothing that you can do about that.

At some point, you sort of made peace with that. You did your best to make peace with your life apart from Lukas, and you ultimately are at peace despite it. That’s why you can stand how you’re standing right now, comfortably in your satin pajama set, fluffy bathrobe and bunny slippers as you stand around in the kitchen boiling a kettle of water to steep some tea with. Grabbing your favorite mug from the cupboard, you set it down before hearing your phone buzzing. Someone was at your door, according to your Ring doorbell. Usually, when someone was knocking at your door it was just Kendall because he forgot his keys. Or Tom because he wanted to drop his daughter off with you. Or Roman. Or literally anyone because people often times forget that you gave all of them keys to your new home. Tom was more begrudgingly, but if there is to be an emergency when you’re watching his child he needs to have a set of keys.

Deciding to set out another cup of tea in case it is Kendall, you prepare your second loose-leaf tea diffuser in another mug before pouring the now boiling water into the two mugs before setting the kettle back down. Moving toward the door, you find yourself ready to greet whoever it is before you’re instantly taken aback.

It’s bright outside, the sun is shining on the freshly fallen late-December snow and it’s absolutely blinding. But that blinding sight isn’t more shocking than the person in front of you, the person that you had almost believed was never going to show up at your door. Because in all fairness, when you gave him the name of this town, you didn’t add anything else. You didn’t tell him to come find you, you didn’t tell him that if things changed you were going here. If he knew you were here, he knew because of Tom. Tom did mention a few weeks ago that Lukas had asked where you lived, but you didn’t think very much of it. Maybe he just now got the memo.

“Hi. Did Tom give you my address?” You questioned, though you knew he did, you just didn’t know what else you could possibly say.

“He did.” He didn’t know what to say either. He was bundled up in a dark sweater, a puffy coat on top of it. His cheeks were bright red and you could see his breath every time he breathed, which was a lot because he was incredibly nervous to be here right now.

“Do you want to come in? You look freezing.” That wasn’t why you were inviting him in and you both knew it, but he wasn’t going to say anything about it because he did want to come in. He didn’t come all this way just to say hi and not speak to you, but the redness of his face made you wonder how long he had been standing outside before deciding that he wanted to come to the door.

“Please.”

Stepping back, you gave him room to come inside. “Please leave your coat there,” You pointed toward the coat hanger beside the door, “And your shoes there.” He followed your instructions, almost seeming a bit hopeful about the fact that you weren’t just asking him to leave those things on. He looked just as pretty as he did the last time you saw him, and it took you everything to not just reach out and touch him. To try and warm up his cheeks because he looked so cold, to do anything other than just look at him in complete and utter awe. “I kinda thought you were Ken, I have two cups of tea. They’re hot, you’re freezing. It should help.”

You moved inside the house, still nervous and unsure how to proceed. Speaking to him used to come so naturally, but now you were a completely new person. You were older and more mature, you understood how wrong some of the things that you did to each other were and you knew what you needed to hear from him if you were to ever forgive him for the things that happened. But you also owed him some apologies for the things that you did, some apologies that were a lot better than the ones that you gave him in the first place.

“Please take a seat, you don’t have to stand so awkwardly in the doorway.” Motioning toward your couch, he obliged and sat down while you made your way into the kitchen. The moment you knew he couldn’t see you, you let out a breath. Grabbing your phone, you debated sending a message to one of your siblings to let you know that you might need an emergency visit if this absolutely broke your spirit, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to do that. This was something that you had been wanted to happen for a while, and now it was actually happening.

Maybe if you weren’t so eager to actually speak to him, you would have taken the time to change out of your pajamas. But you wanted so badly to talk to him, to see him and to know what was going on. Maybe he wasn’t coming here to apologize, maybe he didn’t miss you as much as you missed him. But you knew that couldn’t be true, because if he didn’t miss you like you did him, he wouldn’t be asking for constant updates on you. He wouldn’t be interacting with you on social media like it’s the only possible way for you to communicate. You’re well aware that you both miss each other, but you still need to be sure that he doesn’t run the risk of doing the same thing to you that he did in the past.

Grabbing the mugs from the counter after sliding your phone into your bathrobe pocket, you walk out to the living room where he’s sitting. For a man who often slouches, he might be sitting in the most upright way that you’ve ever seen. His back is completely straight, and he looked incredibly nervous. You, despite having an entire couch to sit on, decide to sit beside him as you set the mugs down on the coffee table because it does no good to sit on the other side of the room when you’re trying to have a conversation.

“So, what brings you to Westchester?” A stupid question, but the only thing that you can think of in the moment.

“You. I- I guess I wanted to apologize.” He guessed? “Not guess, I do want to apologize.”

“I’m gonna need you to elaborate.”

“I know.” He needed to actually say what was on his mind, because a lack of communication had been a big part of what did you in to begin with. If he couldn’t communicate with you about what had happened, this couldn’t work. “What I said about your sister, it doesn’t matter but I wasn’t- I don’t think I actually meant it, I just say things and I wanted to see how far I could push Tom. But I shouldn’t have said it, I was being an asshole and I’m sorry.”

Definitely a lot more honest than he had been in the past, and that was a good sign, but you honed in on the fact that he wasn’t exactly calm. He was shaky and nervous and you weren’t sure if he was shaking because his face was still red and he was still cold from being outside, or if he was just so anxious about this that he had become shaky. But it was an odd sight, and it made you want to make everything okay.

“And you were right, I didn’t tell you that she didn’t know I was making someone else CEO because I thought you would tell her. I’m sorry for that, too.”

All of these things felt like they were lightyears away. They were things that happened to you, not even half a decade ago, but you had worked so hard to move past them that they no longer felt like recent memory. They felt more like ancient history, but even ancient history deserves it’s time to be researched. “I appreciate that, genuinely.” He calmed down a little bit when you reached over to take one of his hands into yours, his fingers were ice cold and you wondered if they felt stiff. “I have things I need to apologize to you for, too. But maybe you- do you want a blanket? You’re really cold.”

“I’m fine.” He was rather cold, but maybe that was keeping him from being super nervous so you opted to let it go. Maybe he was just impatient and didn’t want to have to wait for you to get him a blanket because this was something that he had been waiting for, but it was something that you had been waiting for as well.

“Okay, um.” You turned to face him fully, not moving super close but close enough that your knee was touching his outer thigh. “I just wanted to say, first of all, that everything that happened wasn’t just your fault. I did some shitty things, some unforgivable things and those were entirely on me. So, um, I just wanted to make sure - you weren’t being honest when you acted like that thing with Tom didn’t bother you that much, were you?”

“Not particularly.”

“I figured, and I’m not going to make excuses for it right now because what happened is inexcusable. You never cheated on me, and I did basically what I was wrongly accusing you of doing.”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” He started, his face a bit more serious than it had been this entire time. He was still anxious, but there was a bit of determination in his expressions as you looked at him. “And I made you think I was cheating on you, I made everyone think I was cheating on you because I didn’t tell them I wasn’t.”

That was true, he had every opportunity to tell people that he didn’t do anything with Shiv and he didn’t. He had the opportunity to come to your room that night and speak to you, make it clear that he wasn’t spending the night with anyone other than you and not make you question your sanity, but he didn’t. “Even with that, it was wrong. If I could take it back, I would. But there’s no undoing the past, and all I can do is apologize for it.”

Lukas was silent for a moment, contemplating what you were saying. In the past, you would have made excuses for what happened. You would have reasoned that it was on Tom more than it was on you because he knew that you were vulnerable and he knew that you weren’t thinking straight and he did what he did because all he cared about was power. But you’d worked that out with him in therapy, and you knew that you were equally responsible for what happened, regardless of whether or not you wanted to admit it. “I forgave you last year.”

“Why last year?”

“Because I had a conversation with Greg.” That was odd, considering that from everything you had heard in your minuscule interactions with Greg that he didn’t like him and was barely speaking to him. But you wanted to hear him out, and you had absolutely no idea what he could possibly be gathering from someone that you weren’t even speaking to. “And he told me what you sounded like on the phone that last night.”

“That had nothing to do with what happened between Tom and I?”

“No, but you apologized for it and I still fucked you over.” At least he could admit it now. He could admit that he was shitty to you, he could admit that he fucked you over when you needed him more than anything. Because he was the thing that made you happiest, and in a moment when it felt like nothing could possible make you happy because your entire world was collapsing around you, losing the one thing that mattered most to you hurt more than anything else ever possibly could have.

“I have to be honest with you, I’ve been sleeping with the President.”

“I know.” He responded, but of course he knew. He had seen the two of you interacting in person. He knew how you looked at people you were sleeping with personally. Even if the mannerisms were so specific that only someone who knew first-hand would recognize them, Lukas was one of the few people who knew it first-hand.

“And I don’t have feelings for him.” That seemed to catch his attention, considering the fact that you were with him quite often. “He’s my friend, but I’ve never- uh.” Saying it felt strange, you weren’t even sure if this conversation was going in a direction that made it appropriate to tell Lukas something like this, but you were going to do it anyway in the name of transparency. “I’ve never fallen in love with anyone besides you. And I haven’t- I haven’t fallen out of love with you.”

For a brief moment, Lukas had no idea what to say. He wanted to speak, he wanted to say something but he was just stunned by what had come out of your mouth. Maybe he didn’t expect you to say something like that, but you were just being honest with him. His fingers tightened around your hand while he figured out what he wanted to say, before finally speaking. “I’m still in love with you, that’s why I’m here.”

Of course that was why he was here, what other reason would there be for him to be here? Maybe it was a good thing, maybe it meant that you could finally make progress. But you needed to actually know if he was willing to make the progress that you needed, if he was going to commit to you more than the company. The sound of him telling you that he still loved you made your heart and chest flutter, but you couldn’t make the same mistakes that you had made before. “I- If we were to… If we were to do something like that again, I would need to know that you’ll care about me more than you care about the company. At least an equal amount.”

It shouldn’t be too big of an ask, ‘care more about me than you do about your job’ is a pretty obvious thing, but for the men in this industry it just doesn’t seem to be. The thing about Lukas, though, is that he doesn’t really talk a lot about his emotions. He’s not the kind of guy to be open about his feelings, and you knew that going into the relationship. As much as you just want to give him a pass on responding because you know that he might have some difficulty figuring out what to say, you can’t do that. You can’t do that because not communicating properly with each other had been a big part of your problem in the past, and you didn’t want to do that again.

“If that’s what you want, I shouldn’t assume-”

“It is.” A part of your brain was somewhat frazzled at those words, because he was coming to you asking you to change your mind. He was coming to you right now, a few days before Christmas, asking for another chance at a relationship. You really wanted to just give him what he wanted, but you needed to hear him speak first. “I was too focused on that company and not you, I’m sorry.”

“I needed you, I needed you more than anything else right at that moment and I need you to understand that.”

“I do, I shouldn’t have- I won’t do that again. But I can’t be without you, I can’t fucking stand seeing you at those parties and it was my- I had you, and then I lost you because I was fucking stupid. I won’t make that mistake again.” Everything that he wanted to say had come out, and it wasn’t some therapized version of a speech where he told you that there were boundaries that he crossed and that he had learned the error of his ways. It was raw and genuine and it was how he actually felt. He knew that he made a mistake, and you knew that you made mistakes, and you were sitting here now owning up to them. Taking full accountability of the shitty things that you had done to each other.

But now it’s all out in the open. He knows that you’re still in love with him and that you’ve been incapable of falling in love with anyone else because of it. You know that he’s still in love with you, and that he seems to be willing to value you above the business because he knows that it was a mistake. You both want to try again, to try to fix what you had before because you know that if something really matters that it’s worth fighting for. You’re not in some negative frame of mind anymore, you’re not under the control of your father, or your legacy, or some company that was forced on you and had you convinced that it was something you wanted.

That version of yourself that was broken inside had been stitched up, and though you might never be perfect and would never be able to erase your issues and your trauma, you had found a way to move past it. Throughout your recovery process, all you had really figured out was that even through getting better you don’t just fall out of love with someone. If you were meant to, if you were meant to move on and start a new relationship and be with someone in a way that was like the way that you were with Lukas, you would have. But that wasn’t what was meant to happen, and you knew that now. You knew that your feelings were tested and true, and that he was willing to come all the way to your home that wasn’t even in the city to ask you if you wanted to try things again.

If he wasn’t sincere, maybe he would have waited until it was convenient and he saw you at a party. Or, maybe he would have just sent you a text message since he still had your phone number. Maybe even a letter if he was feeling truly adventurous. But that wasn’t what he did. He came here to see you, to try and fix things because neither of you had been able to move on within the last three years. And you didn’t want to move on. You didn’t want to try and be with someone else because it had never been more clear than it was right now that you weren’t meant to fall in love again, you were meant to fall in love just once, with this one, singular, person.

There were a lot of things that you could do in this moment. You could actually say something to him, verbalize that you wanted to try again if he did and was willing to actually change his behavior for you, but it had been so long since you had a conversation this intimate with him. Ages since you were able to hold his hand like this, it felt like you had no other option but to place your other hand on his cheek.

His skin was ice cold, as you suspected, but the feeling of him leaning into your touch could have lit you absolutely on fire. Moving forward, you took one last glance at his face to make sure this was okay, before closing the gap once you saw no sign of resilience. The moment your lips touched his it felt welcoming and warm, it felt like coming home after so long of being apart. But it didn’t feel foreign or exactly new, it just felt comfortable. It felt warm, and welcoming, and you couldn’t get enough of the feeling of his lips against yours.

The kiss was gentle, experimental even. But it almost felt like neither of you believed it was happening until it was actually happening. Like you were somehow slightly convinced that this was all some dream that you had made up in your head to cope with what had happened. But this was real, and this was happening, and the feeling of his hand against the back of your head reminded you of that.

Your body moved closer to his on it’s own, pressed slightly against him so you could get a better angle to kiss him. His lips were slightly cold, but they felt warm to you because he felt warm to you, because being able to kiss him was comforting and it made you feel warm on such a cold winter day. The feeling of him against you, of the way that he felt and the way that he smelled and everything that you had been dreaming about being near again for the past few years was a lot for you. It was overwhelming but not overbearing, comforting but you weren’t delusional. You were prepared for anything, and if something went wrong you were ready for it. But you didn’t believe that anything would go wrong, not this time. But you were going to have to talk about it first.

Pulling back, his eyes locked onto yours and had you feeling a little weak. You always found his eyes beautiful, but you also always found them unreadable. You could never quite figure out what was going on in his mind just by looking at him, but right now, the only thing that you could see was love. You wondered if that was what he could see when he looked at you, if he could tell just how much you cared about him from the expression that you were making, from the way that your eyes looked when you watched him.

The feeling of his breath against your lips was warm, and it was real, and it made you want this to never end. “We won’t make the same mistakes we made last time, right?” You questioned, your thumb inadvertently running against his cheek.

“We won’t.” There was no ‘hopefully not’ or ‘maybe not’ he was promising, he was saying it outright. You knew that sometimes he could lie, he wasn’t straight forward like everyone else was. But you trusted him, you trusted him because he was being genuine, and sincere, and because he had come all this way just to see you. He hadn’t half-assed this reunion, he hadn’t interrupted your time apart because he was lonely and sad, he came here when he was ready.

“Good, because I can’t take sitting on my floor in your cardigan and singing my ‘Lukas Crying Playlist (Taylor’s Version)’ playlist anymore, I think that’s why Kendall moved out.”

“You were living with Kendall?”

“For like… six months.” You responded, because it was the truth. “We slept in the same bed and acted like conjoined, depressed, twins until I forced him to actually do stuff.”

You almost expected him to not care, considering that he didn’t like your brother and your brother didn’t like him. Your family would never make peace with Lukas and you knew that, but that didn’t mean that you had to reject your own feelings and subject yourself to misery for them. The days of you refusing the things that make you happy to appease other people are long gone, and if anyone has a problem with your relationship they’re just going to have to deal with that on their own. Regardless, he seemed interested in what you were saying, engaged and enamored in the things that you were telling him because it was you that was saying them.

“Also yes, I still have one of your sweaters, I don’t know if-”

“I noticed. I wanted you to have it.” The sweater had no exact significance, it was just comfortable and warm and you liked wearing it because it smelled like him. At this point, it probably smelled more like you than it did to him but sometimes you could convince yourself that it still smelled like him just by pure delusion alone. But for the two of you, taking his cardigan and not giving it back was almost like Cinderella’s slipper, because you were pretty much confirming to him that you still had some vested interest in him and how he was doing.

“I still have every picture you ever sent me, too.”

“That’s a lot of fucking pictures.” He was more comfortable now, a small smile on his face that made you feel warm inside because you haven’t seen a genuine smile on his lips in years. “I know from experience, I haven’t deleted anything.”

“Speaking of pictures,” You moved to take your phone out, motioning for him to do the same. “You can follow my Instagram account, I probably would have accepted your follow request if you asked, by the way.”

“Seriously?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Good. I’m glad I’ve been forcing myself to speak to Greg for no reason.” Because you knew that he was able to view it through his... lackies, so to speak. The one lackey who had access to it, at least. But you never did anything to stop him from viewing your private life, you never really felt the desire to. He typed in the username, which of course he knew by heart, and hit the request to follow button. Which you happily accepted. After a moment, you leaned into him. Lukas letting you move so you were partially sitting on top of him with your cheek pressed against his chest. The feeling of one of his arms wrapping around you made you smile, but it almost all felt surreal.

“I never thought this would happen again.” You mumbled, feeling him tighten an arm around you. “You have no idea how much I missed you.”

“I have some idea.” Well, of course he had some idea since he had clearly missed you as well. Lukas leaned over, pressing a kiss to the top of your head while you moved your gaze back up towards him. There was one thing that you had done before that you knew upset him, something that you were sure was part of what divided the two of you as a couple when in reality perhaps it shouldn’t have. If he was no longer going to make the same mistake that he had made in the past, there’s no reason for you to make your same mistakes as well.

“When we did this before, the reason I didn’t want to tell people we were together is because I thought if they found out, and got involved, they would find a way to ruin it. And they did, they did ruin it, but it was never because I didn’t want people to know that I loved you.” You could see the way his eyebrows furrowed, like he was confused why you were bringing this up all of a sudden. It was something that caused issues within your relationship before because, now that you had spent more time thinking about it, you knew that he must have felt like you were embarrassed of him. “But I don’t want to do that again, because when you love someone you have to be able to make sacrifices, and having people yell at me because they don’t like you is a sacrifice that I’m willing to take.”

“How do you want to tell them?” He asked, watching as you moved up so you were sitting beside him, scooting over a bit so you could sit fully on his lap.

“The same way you found out everything about me for the last few years, but on my public account. Is that okay with you?”

“Definitely okay with me.” Moving to grab your phone, you opened up the camera. It was supposed to just be a picture of you sitting together, a picture that you would caption with something that would give away the nature of your relationship and the fact that the lack of pictures of the two of you together for the last three years didn’t mean that there was no hope for your relationship. But, just like he had when you took a picture of the two of you hiking together, Lukas figured it would be a better picture if he kissed you. It was on the cheek, nothing too drastic, but close enough to your lips that it didn’t look even remotely platonic. “Think your siblings are going to come here and kill me when they see that?”

“I think we might have to run away in the next few hours, still have a car outside?” You questioned, posting the picture onto your Instagram and tagging him in it. The caption was a simple heart, but it did the trick. There was no reason for you to go in depth with what had happened between the two of you for the masses, no reason for you to do anything other than a picture of you together because you had never allowed yourself to do it before unless it was on your private page. Throwing your phone off to the side, you curled back into him, your head resting in between his neck and his shoulder.

“Definitely still have a car outside, just in-case.” He hadn’t even been sure that you were going to take him back when he walked through this door, but he went through with it regardless. He went through with it because it was what felt right, what felt right for the both of you. Because you had changed. You’d changed a lot, and become someone that existed fully upon your own free will, and not what anyone else wants from you. You no longer need approval from anyone else to feel satisfied, because you feel satisfied with your own being. And Lukas seems to have at least changed the way that he’s going to treat you, but you would never ask him to change anything else about himself. He could be a total douchebag to everyone else, but that douchbaggery often didn’t extend to you.

“Can I ask what made you come here on this particular day?” You questioned, not bothering to move from his neck. The feeling of his thumb running against your hip was warm and comforting, and you could have felt that all day and not complained. He made you feel comfortable, even after all of this time you still felt more comfortable with him than you did with really anyone else.

“I, uh, Tom’s been showing me these pictures.” You furrowed your eyebrows, wondering what pictures Tom could have possibly been sharing with him. “Of you with your niece, I guess the last one just kind of made me want to come here.”

What got him wasn’t seeing you at parties, it wasn’t seeing you on the hip of the President pretending to just be his family friend and not someone who had let him explore your body. It wasn’t the time of year, or the fact that you had just liked one of his Tweets last week. It wasn’t anything to do with any of that, but everything to do with the sight of you babysitting. “You like seeing me with toddlers?”

“Yeah, I guess.” So your theory about why he had been cumming inside of you was correct, that much you could assume. But it made sense, he was older than you and had clearly not been thinking about having children but once you started having a serious relationship it was almost as though all of those thoughts came crashing in at once. Like he had been trying to make up for lost time.

“That’s good to know, you know, for the future.” The future of what pills you do or do not take in the morning. “Not- not too far in the future, though. I’m not getting any younger.”

“I know you didn’t just call yourself old. Do you know how old I am?” Turning to face him, you moved so you were straddling his hips. His smile was almost blinding as you placed your hands on his cheeks. He had aged a bit, but not that much. He really didn’t look very different from the last time that you had seen him, he had even clearly just freshly shaven his face to come see you.

“I know how old you are. I know everything about you that you’re willing to tell me.”

“I’ll tell you anything that you want to know.”

Leaning forward, you captured his lips within yours again. He tasted so familiar, so comforting and welcoming and everything that you had been missing for the last three years. There were so many things that the two of you could talk about, so many things that you had gone through apart that you almost wished that you had gone through together. But you weren’t meant to go through those things together, you were meant to spend some time discovering yourself, you were meant to be where you are and to be ready to be in a relationship with him again. To not make the same mistakes that you did before, and to have actually spent a little over three years suffering the consequences of your actions so you know just how debilitating it is to be without each other.

His arms around you hold you against him, your bodies pressed so closely together that you’re sure that he can feel the rapid beating of your heart. It isn’t until the sound of your phone ringing draws you apart that you reach over to grab it. It’s just Kendall, more than likely concerned about your new post on Instagram and wondering why you would do something like this again. But where in the past you would be genuinely upset as the prospect of your family not approving, now all you can do is laugh about it before setting your phone back down on the couch.

“I still have one of your coats, you know.”

“Is it beige? Because I’ve been looking for that.” His expression told you all that you needed to know, but all is did was make you want to come and see your long-lost jacket. “Maybe I should come and visit my jacket, since you have custody over it right now.”

“I think you should, it complains about missing you all the time.” Now there was an actual smile on your face, a big smile that you knew he hadn’t seen in a long time, especially not because of him. To be able to talk to him like this again, to joke with him and smile with him and laugh with him, it was everything that you ever could have asked for and now you were getting it. You were getting the thing that you worried was never going to come back to you again, the thing that you missed more than anything. You missed him so much more than you even knew how to express, and you were sure that he knew what that was like since he had clearly missed you too.

Leaning forward, he didn’t stop you from placing a gentle kiss to his lips, and one to his cheek, and to his neck, and to every bit of skin that you could possibly find above his sweater because the only thing that you really wanted was to be with him again, to be held by him, to know that you were going to be secure in this relationship unlike the last time that you had tried doing this together.

Pulling back, you took in the way that he looked at you before opting to ask him an actual question. “Do you really like seeing me with kids, or were you just teasing?”

“I really like seeing you with kids.”

“Is that why you hate condoms? Because I was convinced that you were just an environmentalist.”

He was silent for a moment, and you worried for that brief second in time that you has crossed a line by asking him that question, but he proceeded. “That’s why, but only with you.”

Intriguing, but you couldn’t help the softness that filled your eyes. Ever since you started taking care of the children that you had mutual connections with, you had developed an affinity for it, a want to have your own children to take care of instead of ones that you need to return to their proper parents at the end of the night. You had been taking care of people your entire life, be it Roman when you were just a child yourself, or Kendall when he went through his episodes. You liked taking care of people, and children and animals and you wanted one for yourself. “I guess that can just be one less pill I take in the morning, then.”

Now his face lit up a bit, a smile on his lips that looked far happier than you could have anticipated. He grabbed your cheeks to pull your face against his, his lips pushed against yours eagerly. Obviously, there were some things that you were going to have to sort out together before you could actually consider children. Where you were living, whether or not you were going to be living together, what was actually happening right now. But you didn’t want to talk about anything right now, you were happy to just sit there kissing him, because that was what you had been wanting for a long time.

Three years ago, you could never quite find the ability within yourself to fully commit to him. Whether it be something stopping you from moving in with him, or the fact that you were so afraid of what your family liked to get up to that you wouldn’t tell other people that you were in a relationship with Lukas. And he hadn’t been able to see you as more important than work, he had made the same mistakes that you knew that your father made but now it seemed like he knew that. You both have seen the error in your ways. And, yes, you were going to need to spend more time talking about it. More time expressing your issues with the past and everything that had happened. Arrangements would need to be made and you would need to listen to rants from your family and friends (though they were just concerned).

But for right now, none of it mattered. Because you were ready for this, and he seemed to be ready for this too. And though things had gone wrong before, it felt like everything was going to be just fine. You were fully ready to offer your full devotion to him, and he had made it clear that he was willing to do the same for you. That was all you could ask for, and it truly felt like the last thing that you needed to fall into place in your life to make everything just right.

Chapter Text

There are a lot of things that you hear aren’t very fun but never think much about, things that you never think that you’re going to have to do because there’s no reason for it. In this case, you’ve heard lots of things about how difficult it is to try to move to a different country, but you’ve never really thought much of it. In the past, when you had been considering moving in with Lukas, you hadn’t thought much about the details of it because your money could get you pretty much whatever you wanted. Someone else could handle that for you, that was none of your concern. But now you were a bit less willing to let someone else do something like that you for, you were unwilling to just go with the easy route because you had the money to do it.

For the past month, you’ve gone through a runaround with the United States and Swedish governments trying to get the correct paperwork to get a Visa. Nothing seems to work out, because nobody seems to respond in a timely manner. Everything takes forever, and even though you only got back together with Lukas two months ago, you’re in a rush. How can this time be different if you’re still long distance? And how are you supposed to find it convenient that you’re getting jet lag to go see him for half of the week and then feeling lonely upon coming home? He had asked you to move in with him a month ago, under the impression that you would just do it the easy way, and now you were sitting on the phone venting your frustrations because all you could really do about it is complain.

“Have you tried just going there in person?” He questioned, his face looking both concerned and tired of hearing about this because, as much as you both liked the idea of you moving in with him, this entire process was becoming entirely frustrating for everyone involved.

“I have, they tell me the same shit they do over the phone. I literally just got the paperwork I need to fill out yesterday, I haven’t even applied yet. It’s fucking insane.” You responded, your eyes glancing at the pages of documents that you needed to fill out. “Not to mention the background checks and fuck- They’re going to ask me about the company and my father and that’s so annoying.”

“Talking about your family is annoying?”

“Talking about my family is fucking insufferable.” You confirmed, a small smile on your face as he nodded in agreement. “You’re not allowed to agree with that, you love talking about my family.”

“I love listening to you talk, not necessarily about your family.” Even though you felt like you were being waterboarded by customs, every time he said something like that to you it served as a reminder of why you were trying to move in with him to begin with. Though, you were starting to feel like you probably should just use your wealth to move in, because you knew that was going to be a lot easier than what you were doing right now. “Isn’t there something that I could do?”

There is something that he could do, something that you’ve been considering for the past few days since an episode of Parks and Recreation that you were watching reminded you of the concept. But it was a lot to spring on him. Regardless, it came out of your mouth before you could even really think about what you were saying. “It would be a lot easier if we were married.”

“So lets get married then.” He didn’t hesitate with his response, but you could feel the way that it had just popped out of his mouth without second thought when he immediately closed it. “Fuck- You’re not supposed to propose to me, I’m suppose to propose to you.”

“That’s sexist, I can propose to you all I want.” Sometimes, and you never really quite understood how or why, you would both have serious conversations in jest and the words just kind of… come out? But you both seem to understand that you shouldn’t be talking so casually about something so impactful to you. “I’m being serious, though. If we get married it’s easier for me to move in with you, it’ll be way less money for me to become a legal citizen than it would be to just start bribing everyone. I’d only have to bribe like… half of the people.”

“I can come to America tomorrow and we can get married.” He said, but you were both going to have a more in depth conversation than that. The thing was, you talked about having kids before you talked about getting married but you both knew that you wanted to remain together. You had a mutual understanding that you wanted to have this life together, so there really was no question of if you were going to be getting married or if you were going to have kids or if you were planning on moving in with him at some point. These were all things that you knew that you wanted to do, things that you knew were going to happen. So there was no reason for you to not just do them.

“Okay, but we need to have some sort of arrangement here. I say, nobody knows that we’re married so we can still have a ceremony.”

“Right, but we need witnesses.”

“Yeah, yes. I can ask Connor and Willa, they’ll keep their mouths shut and Connor is the only one of my siblings that doesn’t hate you.”

“And we’ll have a ceremony in a few months, we just won’t announce the marriage.” It felt like you were both two lunatics coming together to maximize your joint lunacy, but that was often how your relationship felt so it was nothing new. “But I still want to ask you to marry me.”

“So ask me, I didn’t really ask you I just kind of… put it out there.” The power of suggestion was a powerful thing, because in all seriousness you hadn’t proposed to him, you just kind of said what you said and he understood the meaning behind it because you oftentimes shared a brain cell.

“Let me ask you tomorrow, I’m not proposing to you over the phone.”

“Fair, totally fair. Looking forward to your proposal, who knows what I’ll say.”

“It’s a real mystery to me too.”

But it was still late afternoon in New York, meaning that it was rather late for him. The sight of him yawning over the phone made you realize that it was probably about time that he went to sleep, and that he was probably just waiting for you to get home from the many long hours of sitting in waiting rooms so you could call him before he went to sleep. “You should get some sleep. What time should I expect you tomorrow?”

“Two? Is two good?”

“Can’t think of a better time to get married.” You responded, feeling a bit of your heart getting fuzzy at the sight of him smiling. It was a tired smile, and you were more excited than anything that you weren’t going to have to deal with time differences and jet lag and the way that it made you feel that you didn’t fall asleep together every night. You wanted more than anything to be in that bed with him at the present moment, not in a completely different country wondering how you would feel to be within his arms right now. “Please actually sleep, though.”

“I try.”

“No you don’t.” He only tries when you’re there, and that’s just because if he doesn’t sleep you lay there aggressively staring at him until he decides to sleep. “I don’t want you all tired when we’re getting married, even if we’re having the ceremony later.”

“Fine, I’ll sleep. I wouldn’t want to forget it.” You wished him a goodnight, trusting that he was actually going to sleep because why would he want to forget it? Though, you always hated hanging up. You got very little time to talk to him when you weren’t with him because you often had something going on (at least, for the past month). Whether it be you, sitting in a waiting room while someone eats their lunch for an hour before finally deciding to speak to you even though you’re the only person sitting there waiting. Or, you, babysitting for Shiv and trying your best take care of a child while also still communicating with your boyfriend. It could be tedious, especially if you were to come home from Sweden and then immediately go to Disney with the child you were babysitting (Shiv refused to go initially and still didn’t go into the park but she did go with you and go out to dinner with you). You only made that mistake once, but it was one too many times.

Though, the thing that was on your mind the moment you hung up the phone wasn’t the fact that you were saying goodbye for the time being, nor was it the fact that you were apparently going to see Lukas tomorrow, it was the fact that you were getting married tomorrow. You were going to marry him, and he was going to propose to you, and it was all backward but it really made you think because he said nothing about needing to go get a ring which meant that he already had one. That meant that he planned on proposing to begin with, and was just waiting for the right time to do it. It wasn’t really shocking to you, considering, again, that you both knew that you wanted to spend your lives together. But you did feel somewhat shocked, because who wouldn’t feel absolutely overwhelmed after ending a phone call knowing that you’re getting married in less than twenty-four hours?

Though you didn’t know it, Lukas was just as overwhelmed as you were. He was absolutely and utterly overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, because he did want to marry you and he did want you to move in with him and he wished that it happened sooner but it didn’t and he understood why it didn’t, and that it was because of the things that he did. But, he had been waiting for this for a while. He had spent a long time deciding, or not deciding, if he was ready to actually approach you and actually figure out if things were salvageable and that had just happened two months ago and now he knew that you wanted to marry him, and that you were going to marry him as quickly as possible, and that you were just as eager to move in with him as he was for you to move in with him. He was incredibly overwhelmed by the whole thing, shocked that you both hadn’t freaked out over the phone about it, but he was freaking out now and feared that he wouldn’t fall asleep for the next hour.

You, however, decided that your next step was going to be calling Connor. You stood up and walked into the kitchen, grabbing the leftover Japanese noodles that you had been eating the night before and brought that to the couch with you as you dialed your eldest brother’s contact. Normally, he greeted you first, but this was urgent and you needed to speak first. “I’m getting married tomorrow and I want you to be my witness.”

“I’m sorry? Cou- is this a prank? Are you pranking me?”

“I’m not pranking you. Immigration is a bitch and it’s easier if Lukas and I just get married now and have a ceremony later so we’re getting legally married tomorrow and I want you and Willa to be there. Can you be there?”

Connor was silent for a moment, but his line wasn’t. He wasn’t speaking to you, but you could hear the familiar muffle of him trying to cover the speaker on his phone with his hand so he could call Willa over. After a moment, he spoke again. “Are you sure about marrying him? You just got back together a few months ago.” He sounded concerned, but you anticipated that. It was a lot to spring on anyone and most of your siblings weren’t really super accepting of the fact that you were even back together with Lukas. Connor wasn’t quite as judgemental about it, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t have his concerns.

“I’m absolutely positive. I love him, I never stopped loving him, and I don’t- I uh-” The fun thing about this is that you didn’t have to come up with vows right now, that could wait for the ceremony. It was difficult to say such emotional things sometimes, because you felt like your affections with Lukas were too precious to you for anyone else to hear about them, too intimate. But this was your brother, and you wanted people to know about your feelings. You just felt like a bit of a child again, embarrassed to be telling your older brother about how you feel about your boyfriend. “I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I’m sure of that. This is the easiest way for us to move in together.”

“If you’re sure, I’ll be there. But why me? Weren’t you living with Kendall?”

“Yeah, but Kendall hates him.” You responded, but that wasn’t the only reason. You knew that you wanted Kendall to be at the ceremony, whether or not he comes is a different story but you still want him to be involved even if he hates the person that you’re marrying. “I trust you to not tell anyone, we’re going to have a ceremony at some point and we don’t want people to know that we’re already married. And I trust you in general, I want you to be there.”

The thing that you weren’t telling him was that you would want him to walk you down the aisle, because if anyone was going to give you away in lieu of your deceased father it wasn’t going to be Caroline. She didn’t care enough, though you were sure she would attend the wedding, and she didn’t like Lukas. It wouldn’t be Kendall, because he didn’t like Lukas and as much as you loved him you just felt that it should be Connor. He was more paternal, more of an older brother. Kendall was your older brother, but you were both like the same little organism sometimes that you forgot that you weren’t the same age. Connor was warm, and comforting, and he was the one that would make it easier to do something so daunting like walk down the aisle and profess your love in front of everyone and exchange vows and do that whole thing. But that was a conversation that you needed to have in person, that wasn’t something that you asked someone over the phone.

“Okay, I’ll be there.” His words were pretty normal, but his tone wasn’t quite so casual. Connor was often forgotten or ignored by everyone, whether everyone be the people in your family, the people in the media, the people in the industry, etc. People tend to not pay too much attention to him, so the fact that he was the person that you wanted to have there for you during your wedding clearly meant a lot to him even if he needed to remain casual about it. But he couldn’t fully express that, he needed to stay calm about it. “Should I wear a suit?”

“Oh, no, absolutely not. I should text Lukas and make sure he’s not wearing a suit. This isn’t the ceremony, just dress how you normally dress.” You didn’t have to worry about Connor showing up in a t-shirt and sweatpants since that’s not how he would normally dress and not what you would deem appropriate for something like that. But you also didn’t want him dressing up, this was something that you were doing so you could move easier and nothing more, the ceremony would still be the official wedding in your heart even if it technically wasn’t. Though, the knowledge that you were marrying Lukas was still in your mind and it still brought you a lot more happiness than you would care to admit. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though. And it means a lot to me that you’re not being judgy about this.”

“Yeah, it’s the others you need to worry about.”

“The others will never know that we got married tomorrow. They’re going to think we got engaged tomorrow, a little white lie won’t hurt them.” Truthfully, at some point within the next ten to twenty years you probably would admit to your siblings that your wedding wasn’t actually the day you got married, but you didn’t feel like doing that any time soon. It wasn’t like it was something you were embarrassed about, but you didn’t want it to get in the way of the ceremony. And, you really didn’t want to deal with their comments about making a decision like that.

“What about the prenup? Are you getting a prenup? I can get my lawyer on the-”

“Shit, shit, I’ll be right back. I’ll call you back, we absolutely did not talk about that.” You hung up the phone after a moment, dialing Lukas who sounded like he almost fell asleep but was woken up by your request for a facetime. He looked sleepy, you felt bad but you completely forgot about this being something that the two of you needed to talk about. Maybe that was why you said what you said next, something that you were sure that your siblings would not approve of: “I don’t want a prenup, do you?”

“I-” He definitely had been about to fall asleep, because his brain was not functioning until you reminded him of the fact that you were getting married because he brought the phone back to his face so you could see him clearer. His face was hardly visible in the darkness of the room, but he reached over to flick the light on so you could see him - though that would effectively wake him up more, it would also show you that he was being honest more than the shadow of his face would. “I don’t really want one, no.”

“Because it’s anti-marriage, it insinuates a divorce and I never want to be with anyone that isn’t you.”

“Exactly. I would never let you divorce me.”

“And I would never let you divorce me, so we don’t need to worry about what would happen in the event of something that would never happen.” You responded, but you weren’t being facetious. Neither of you were just being optimistic because if you weren’t supposed to be together, you wouldn’t be. There was only one reason for you to get back together, and it was because you knew that you were meant to be together. That there was nobody else that you would ever love like you love Lukas, and that there was no one else that he would ever love like he loves you. But the lack of a prenup is just as much of a promise as the marriage is, a devotion to the other and a promise that if anything ever did split you apart (it wouldn’t) you would be punished for it. “Okay, I’m sorry for waking you, I love you, goodnight.”

“I love you too good… afternoon. And you might want to heat that up.” You glanced at the limp noodle that you were about to put into your mouth, remembering that you had just kind of taken it out of the fridge in your haste without doing anything to it.

“You’re so smart, see why I need to live with you? And be with you all the time so you never get any personal time?”

“I don’t want personal time.”

“You love personal time.” You stood up as you spoke to him, walking back to your kitchen and grabbing a pot from the cabinet it was in, turning on the stove because you didn’t feel like microwaving your leftovers today, you felt like being more productive than that.

“I do, but I love you more.” Glancing back at your phone, you both wanted to groan because it was a corny thing to say and figure out how to kiss him through the screen because he was always so nice to you and it made you want to never be apart from him.

“Let’s hope you never get sick of me. Go to sleep now.” He said his goodbyes, leaving you to dump the noodles into the pot and let them heat up. The fact that you were marrying Lukas tomorrow should scare you, not because of him or the issues in the past, and not because of how your family members and friends might react to it. But because you hadn’t known that you were going to marry him when you woke up this morning, because you woke up thinking that tomorrow would just be a normal day and now you know that you’re going to be a married woman, that you’re going to be fast tracking your move to Sweden and saying goodbye to the life that you’ve known in America sooner than you anticipated.

But you’re not scared. You’re nervous, sure. Nervous because getting married is important and something that you’ve wanted (Specifically with Lukas) for a long time. You’re nervous because you need to wear something nice but not over the top, nervous because he’s going to give you a real proposal tomorrow, and a real engagement ring, and because you’re going to be able to show people the ring but also plan a wedding and deal with the stress of that. But none of that is fear, they’re things that you’re happy to be nervous about. You might be afraid to marry anyone else, but you’re not afraid because it’s not anyone else. It’s the one man that you’re in love with, the only person that you’re in love with, and the only person that you ever will be in love with. You’re marrying that man, the man that came back to you when you didn’t ask him to (but you absolutely did want him to). There’s not an ounce of fear in you because of who it was that you’re marrying, which is why you called Connor back a bit more at ease.

“We’re not doing a prenup.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“We’re not getting a divorce, and if we do we deserve to suffer for it. But we won’t, I’m one hundred percent positive that we won’t.”

“How? You know that he likes money.”

“I know, but I also know that he wants me to have his children.” You hadn’t told anyone that before, so Connor was rightfully taken aback by the fact that you’d spoken about children before any of this even happened, before you were living together. The conversations weren’t awfully long, but they were significant. “We mutually decided a few weeks ago that I should stop taking birth control, so. You know, there’s that.”

A lot of people have children and still get divorced, or at the very least want to get divorced. But he doesn’t really seem like the type for children, and he’s made it clear that he wouldn’t want them with anyone else. This was something that was personal for him, it was different for him, and you were sure that meant a lot. “Is this your way of telling me that you’re pregnant? Is this a shotgun wedding?”

“I’m not pregnant, that I know of. I’m just saying that we’ve talked about it, and he- listen, I just don’t think we’ll ever get divorced and Lukas doesn’t want a prenup either.” A part of you felt the need to justify your decision, because you knew that it wasn’t one that anyone else in your family would make. But continuing to value money above everything else didn’t feel right, and the idea of something that implied that you would get a divorce being a part of your marriage just didn’t feel like something that you were interested in.

“If it’s what you think is best, I’ll support you.” He wouldn’t understand, even if he did support you, but that didn’t mean that his statement was false. He wanted to support your choices, and he wanted to be there for you when you got married tomorrow, so he wasn’t going to try to talk you into something that he knew that you wouldn’t do. This marriage wouldn’t have a prenup, and he understood that there was no changing your mind on the matter. There was no questioning whether getting married so soon was a good decision, because you were saying that it was and you were mature enough to make your own decisions.

“Thank you, I’ll see you tomorrow at like… four.” It felt odd setting a time, a time that was less than twenty-four hours away, giving you less than an entire day to get ready to get married. It wasn’t how you envisioned your day going, or how you envisioned this week would go, but it was something that you wanted. You needed to do this if you wanted to move in with him, and you were happy to do it. You could have the actual event later, and this really wouldn’t detract too much from that even if it was unorthodox. You hadn’t met Lukas on a date or in a casual way, you met him in a club to celebrate your brother’s fortieth birthday.

There was nothing normal about how this relationship started to begin with. Whether it be you seeing his penis before you actually had sex with him because he decided to pee in front of you (and had spent the entire night flirting with you), or you having sex with him before you went on a date with him, or the fact that you hid your relationship for months because you felt like you needed to (even if everyone found out before you told them anyway). Or, the fact that you stopped being together for three years and were now picking it back up and going full steam ahead with marriage and talks of children and not taking birth control. Everything about your relationship with Lukas was abnormal and didn’t follow the timeline that other people considered that of a typical relationship. But your entire life was abnormal, and there was no reason for your wedding to be any different.

Moving to grab a utensil from your drawer, you stirred the noodles on the stove until the liquid with them started to boil but your mind was elsewhere. You weren’t thinking about your leftover noodles as you poured them into a clean bowl, all you could think about was tomorrow. What was going to happen, what had made you think that it was a good idea. But it wasn’t a bad idea, not really. You were being a bit stubborn about not just using your money to live with Lukas without consequence, but marrying him and getting there through that meant a bit less money. A bit less of you relying on your father’s money, the thing that you had been trying to distance yourself from, and a bit more of the two of you just doing what you thought best.

Maybe it wasn’t orthodox to do this, to marry him and not tell most of the people in your life that you were already married when you invited them to your wedding. But you were so sick and tired of feeling like everything needs to be by the books, because nothing in your life ever has been normal and there’s nothing wrong with that. Grabbing the bowl from the cupboard, you set the pot from the stove in the sink and moved back to the couch, throwing a blanket over yourself as you opted to watch one of your favorite films, Mamma Mia. Maybe you should propose the idea of having a wedding ceremony in Greece to Lukas, that might be something that he’d be interested in even though you doubt that he’s actually watched the movie even if it was based upon music from his country.

But then you started thinking about something else, about your last name. When Kendall got married, he didn’t change his last name but Rava did. But when Shiv got married, neither her nor Tom changed their last name. A large part of you wanted to take Lukas’ last name, you wanted to fully engrain yourself in your family with him, but you also wanted to reclaim the Roy name. It wasn’t just your family’s, it wasn’t just your father’s. It was your name, and you wanted to wear it with pride while making it your own. Maybe you should hyphenate your last name, though you would never expect Lukas to do the same thing, it would cause too much drama. It was more for you, and it was also something that you were going to have to talk with him in person about when he comes to see you tomorrow because ‘I want to take your last name’ isn’t something that you text someone. Really, ‘We should get married’ isn’t something that you say to someone over the phone either, but there’s no reason for you to do two things the wrong way, since he’s waiting until tomorrow to give you a genuine proposal.

As much as you want to think about that, to stress about whether or not him proposing to you is going to make you cry and to think about whether or not you’re going to have some sort of crazy sex to celebrate your marriage, all you can do is focus on the film. To wonder silly things like ‘Would Lukas do an interpretive dance performance of ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ if I asked him to?’ (Probably not). And wondering about Connor’s reaction to asking him to walk you down the aisle, or what Lukas will look like when you do get to see him in his suit at the end of the aisle, or what kind of wedding you could actually have. Not so much about if your family would show up, but what would it be like if they did. You wanted to imagine it being fun, even if you know it’ll be stressful. Because all you really want to think about are the positives, because there’s no real negative to marrying the person that you love more than anything else.

Once you finish the movie you decide to go to bed, despite it being rather early. You want to be able to wake up early and take the time to really make yourself feel nice, and look nice, and feel ready for what’s to come. But as you lay in bed that night, the eagerness of it all keeps you up for at least an hour. You can’t help but wonder about what’s been running through Lukas’ mind, if he’s stressed or eager about this, if he felt incredibly nervous over the prospect of you springing this on him. You would have to ask him about that once you see him tomorrow, make sure that he’s actually okay with this because ultimately if he’s more comfortable with waiting you’ll just pay whoever you need to pay to get yourself into Sweden permanently.

To be fair, you had discussed the prospect of him coming to live with you. But he didn’t really want to live in the United States and you didn’t really want to remain in the same country that you had lived in throughout every bad thing that had happened in your life (Sparing that one shitty day in Norway). Moving upstate was a bit of a fresh start, it was what you needed to stop thinking so much about the things that you had been through. But moving in with him, moving to another country and not having to think so much about the things that you had been dealing with? That sounded perfect, it sounded new and different and it was everything that you wanted it to be.

Eventually, the tedious thoughts about immigration was ultimately what made you fall asleep - thinking about it had been exciting at first, but it had become especially boring after a while. Constantly contemplating whether or not you were going to live with him, and how long it was going to take, was something that you grew bored of thinking about. It was like white noise for your brain, but that sleep ended quicker than you would have liked, and the moment you were awake you knew that it was only a matter of time before Lukas came over. It was eight in the morning, giving you a grand total of six hours before he was here, and eight hours before you were married. Nothing to worry about, nothing stressful. Just exactly what you had planned. But it also meant that he was on the plane, that he was going to be here soon enough, and that he had probably texted you at some point while you were sleeping.

Turning on your phone, sure enough, he had sent you something. Actually, he’d sent you a few things, but you mainly noticed the newer picture he had sent of him sitting on the plane. You, probably far too comfortable with him at this point, thought it best to respond with a picture of you laying with face squished against the pillow and your hair a mess, exactly the thing that anyone wants to see of the person that they’re marrying. Turns out that was what he wanted to see, considering that he responded with a heart. But that was kind of how it was for the two of you regardless, if you didn’t want each other’s mornings you wouldn’t be doing this. But you did, and you knew that, and he knew that. You let him know that you were excited for him to get to your home, and went into the shower from there.

For a morning that you knew was going to be the beginning of a new chapter of your life, it was quite normal. You took a longer shower than usual, spent more time on your hair and makeup than usual, but it wasn’t an abnormal morning really. Picking out a pastel, flowery two-piece top and skirt and a nice pair of shoes made you feel like you were going out for Easter brunch with your family again, but you knew that wasn’t what you were doing. Pastel felt the right color, because white is the wedding color but this isn’t your wedding ceremony and you wanted it to be a little different, but not bright-color different. Not a statement, but a personal choice to distance this from the actual wedding that you would have. Even with that, everything felt normal. You knew that you would be posting an engagement post later, you knew that you were going to end the night a married woman, and you knew that this meant that you would probably be moving in with Lukas rather soon. But you weren’t scared. You weren’t nervous. A little anxious, that fluttery feeling of anticipation never left your chest, but not scared. You trusted Lukas, you trusted him enough to throw away your Plan B and stop taking birth control. You trusted him enough to want to marry him. You knew that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, and you weren’t nervous to have the thing that you wanted. To be with the person that you wanted, and to have a promise written down on paper that you would be together for the rest of your life.

This wasn’t like the stupid little blood pact that you had done years ago, that was just the two of you messing around. It was serious and official and it meant something. But you wanted to call him your husband, and you wanted him to call you his wife. It was all that you wanted, and there was no reason for you to be afraid when you knew that this was what you wanted. When you knew that he would never do anything to hurt you, because you’d hurt each other before and you learned from it. You grew from it. And when the time was right, you came back together because that was what was right.

By the time that he arrived, you didn’t need to bother letting him in since he had a the passkey to your home. But the moment he stepped through the door you rushed from the kitchen, emerging with two glasses of water as you moved to set them down on the coffee table. He hadn’t really gotten very far into the house when you hugged him, you didn’t always hug him when you saw him but this felt different. It felt different because it was different, because you knew what was going to happen today and all you really wanted all night was to be able to touch him.

His arms wrapped around you rather quickly in return, his lips pressing against your forehead as he mumbled a greeting. He was so warm, and he smelled so good. You loved being around him, you loved the way that he felt, and though you had already known that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him before, the fact that it was actually happening filled you with an overwhelming sense of joy.

Pulling back, you expected to be able to lean forward and kiss him but he moved to shut the door. Oh. He was going to do it now, he wasn’t wasting any time but you needed to say something to him first, you needed to make sure that he was actually comfortable with what was going on before he did anything, before you let him do anything. If he had already gotten you a ring, he already planned on proposing. He must have had some plan, and you didn’t want to ruin it. This needed to be mutual, and what was convenient for you might not be convenient for him.

“Wait, before you do anything.” You grabbed his hands, stopping him from moving as he looked back at you curiously. You spoke before he could get any ideas about you getting cold feet in regards to the wedding, because that was absolutely not what was happening. “I know that if you got me a ring already that means you had a plan, and I don’t wanna ruin that. I kinda sprung this on you, and if you wanna wait until you’re ready we can wait. I’ll just pay what I need to pay to whoever I need to pay it to, there’s no reason that I can’t.”

Recognition covered his face as he realized why you had stopped him, but it made him feel soft. It made him feel soft to know that you were valuing his comfort over everything else, even if it meant doing something that you didn’t want to do just to make him feel happy. But it only solidified the fact that he wanted this, that he no longer wanted to spend a day without you as his wife. “I want this, I had no idea how I was going to propose to you but it was probably going to be something stupid like… while we’re watching a movie.”

“But you’ve been thinking about it?”

“I’ve had this ring- no, I prepared what I want to say.” Lukas wasn’t the most forthcoming with his emotions, but he had been more recently. He had been more recently because he knew that being honest with his feelings was important, and it was something important that both of you had been lacking in the past. You wondered what it was going to be like during the actual ceremony, when you exchanged vows and spoke from the heart not just to each other but in front of everyone there, but this was kind of like the beginning of that. “I knew I wanted to marry you the second night I visited you in New York, I knew I was in love with you because I wanted to do things for you that I didn’t want to do with anyone else. I got this ring before I went home that night, that was one of the things I last spoke to your father about before he died.”

“What? What do you mean?” Oh, you were going to cry. But you were also confused, because you hadn’t remembered him saying anything about that to you. Never once did either Lukas or your father mention the idea of you being proposed to, and you didn’t even remember how long before his death it was that Lukas had last spoken to your father. You hadn’t expected this, but Lukas clearly anticipated that you were going to be caught off guard from the way that his hands squeezed yours.

“We talked about a few things when I made you all come to Sweden the day of your brother’s wedding, but it came up.”

“What did you say?”

“I asked him if I could propose to you.”

“And what did he say?”

“He told me that he hated that I asked him over the phone but he said yes, in his own way.” He didn’t need to get into the nitty gritty details of what your father said to him. He had a colorful vernacular and you knew that, but the fact that he had approved of you marrying Lukas wasn’t really shocking since you knew that he respected him at least a little bit. If he didn’t, he would have tried to put a stop to your relationship like he did with Kendall and Naomi’s. But he didn’t do that. He forced you to be more professional about it and stop avoiding your responsibilities so you could fuck around with Lukas, but he never tried to stop you from seeing him. He never even raised the idea of you no longer seeing him with you. From what you had been told by Kerry since everything went down, he seemed to have approved of the relationship. “I’ve known that I want to marry you for a long time, and it doesn’t matter that this is a weird fucking order to do it in. I want to be with you always, and even though I know the answer I need to ask: Will you marry me?”

A simple question, a question that you knew that he was going to ask you. But you weren’t expecting the mention of your father, and you knew that it was going to make you cry, and you shouldn’t be surprised by it as you glanced down at the ring that he had removed from the tiny box that he must have been carrying in his pocket. “I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, of course I’ll marry you.”

Despite the fact that you had discussed this, despite the fact that you were going to be marrying each other later in the day for a Visa, this still felt special. It felt special to you, and important to you, and you knew that it felt special and important to Lukas to. That pretty smile of his that you loved so much covered his lips as he placed the ring over your finger, quickly moving to cradle your cheeks in his hands and wipe the tears from your skin. He was gentle about it, careful to not swipe away your makeup, but you had time to fix it regardless.

You were the one that closed to gap, pressing your lips against his as your hands reached up to hold onto his wrists. The feeling of the metal of the ring against his hand seemed to evoke some reaction from him as he deepened the kiss, his body pressed firmly against yours as you held onto him tighter. His lips were intoxicating to you, and his touch was so warm and comforting. You wanted to stay like this forever, but you were going to have to part at some point. You pulled away from him, but only drug him to the couch so you could cuddle up to him like you had wanted to do all night. He held you as you curled into his body, smiled as he felt you lightly kissing his neck, before you remembered your agreement to post the engagement publicly so people didn’t start to get suspicious about how you had managed to move in with him without the two of you being married.

“Right, right, I need to post the ring and… deal with whatever three of my siblings have to say.” You moved to grab your phone from the coffee table, taking a picture of the ring on your finger and posting it to Instagram and Twitter. A part of you wanted to write a long winded paragraph about marrying Lukas, about how he was the love of your life and the person that you cared most about, but some part of you always felt like those words were too precious for the vultures to see. Some things in life were meant to be kept to yourselves, and the people that picked apart your lives had no place within your hearts. You tagged Lukas in both posts and set your phone down, turning to look back at him once you did. “So, I was thinking last night. I really, and this is totally up to you, want to hyphenate my last name. Like… I was thinking your last name first, and my last name second, because then you know people are still referring to me as a Matsson first but I’m not like distancing myself from my last name- I’m rambling. Thoughts?”

“You want my last name to be first?” You knew that he was going to get an ego about it, so you weren’t surprised to see him with one, but it made you smile even though you rolled your eyes. “Aw, you love me so much.”

“No shit, I just agreed to marry you-”

“Matsson-Roy sounds nice, you can have anything you want.” He leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to the corner of your lips, trailing it down lower against your neck before your attention went to the sound of your phone ringing on the couch. You didn’t need to check who it was to know that it was Kendall, answering the phone; much to the chagrin of the man who removed his lips from your skin.

“A little quick?”

“No, not quick. We met each other years ago.”

“You got back together two months ago?”

“Ken-”

“I don’t think he’s a good person.”

“We’ve been over this, Kendall.” You had been over this with him, multiple times. He had vented about not liking Lukas and not thinking that you should be seeing him again, he had vented about it being a bad idea that you were trying to move in with him, and you had reminded him that nobody was going to control what you did anymore. That you knew in your heart that this was right for you, and that nothing that he did or said was going to change your mind. Though you doubted that you were ever going to change his mind about Lukas, you would like it if he would at least ease up about it a bit. “I love him, I’m going to marry him, and that’s my decision. I’m not asking you to marry him.”

Kendall was silent for a moment, and you knew what he was going to ask. He was going to ask about a prenup, about whether or not you were being ‘safe’ about this (by Roy standards) but you didn’t want to worry about Roy standards anymore. A prenup meant that there was a chance of divorce, and the idea of that just annoyed you. It annoyed you that to get married to someone you’re in love with, someone who’s relationship you have with has been tested, you’re being asked to imagine divorcing him. You have no intention of ever divorcing Lukas, and you know that he has no intention of ever divorcing you.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I’m busy right now.” He eventually agreed and let you go, but you still had other people to deal with.

For the next hour and a half, you would have a few moments of peace where you got to kiss Lukas and not worry about anything else, that were then followed up by someone calling or texting you. Someone like Roman, someone like Shiv, someone like Tom but his question was less about you (Because at this point he knew that questioning your decisions was just going to result in you being mean to him) and was instead: “Does this mean that you’re not going to be babysitting for me anymore?”. There were people reporting on the youngest Roy getting married to tech mogul Lukas Matsson, people that you hadn’t spoken to in years asking you about what was going on. But none of it bothered you. It didn’t bother you because even if they were partially being let in on your relationship, they didn’t have the full picture. They didn’t know what you were going to be married on this very day, in a few hours, because some things were allowed to be kept between the two of you. Some things, rightfully, should be kept between the two of you.

By the time that you actually did leave, you were fully tired of typing and explaining things to people, but that was something that you were going to have to get used to. You were going to have to get used to that kind of thing because that was what you did at a wedding, and all the engagement did was certify that you were going to have a wedding at some point in the future. Something that you were going to have to discuss later, but something that was going to happen regardless. This might make you officially married, but the more you thought about it, the more you liked the idea of having something like this happen. Because it did feel like people were vultures. It felt like they were just waiting to find out information about you, about your relationship.

People in your family asking questions, people on Reddit trying to turn you into some TradWife icon just because you were with the guy that they were weirdly obsessed with (but in a totally straight way). People that wanted to snap pictures because for some reason his status as a social media icon and you being completely obsolete in the public eye these days despite your famous family meant that it was like spotting bigfoot if you were seen out in public. It felt like people were trying to hunt you down, and having this secret marriage with only two people in your life there to see it, two people that you trusted with your life, meant that you could keep something sacred. Something private, just for the two of you and not for the people that didn’t know you to see, not for the people that didn’t understand to see.

Getting in the driver’s side of the car always shocked Lukas, because one thing that you had spent your three years apart learning to do was drive. He didn’t think that was something that you would want to do, but it was. It was something that you would want to do because even if it didn’t give you the freedom to sit on your phone playing Subway Surfers like a mature adult while you were driven somewhere, it gave you the freedom to go wherever you wanted and it separated you from the identity that you once had. The identity that was once reliant on drivers and the money and wealth that was provided for you by your father. You were tired of that version of yourself, and learning to drive was just a part of moving past that.

“I was thinking last night, how would you feel about having our wedding ceremony in Greece?” You questioned, keeping your eyes on the road but feeling a bit warm and fuzzy as you felt his arm around the back of your headrest while you pulled out of the driveway.

“Why Greece?”

“Because, my favorite wedding movie is set in Greece even though it’s technically not a wedding movie because they don’t get married but- we’re watching Mamma Mia tonight. You’ll love it, it’s all about Sweden.”

“I thought you said it was set in Greece?”

“It is, but it’s just an ABBA musical.” You responded, sending a smile in his direction before focusing back on your driving. Though you were a lot more comfortable with it now, you still liked to be cautious to not do something that could result in you getting into an accident or something. You were a careful driver, and you had only been in possession of your full license for the last year and a half. “Anyway, it’s not like the people in our lives don’t have the money to go and I think it could be a middle ground. Not getting married in my home country, not getting married in your home country, you know?”

“I haven’t been to Greece in a long time, I think it could be fun.” He replied, but you could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke. “What are we doing about wedding bands right now?”

“I think maybe we don’t wear them now, just because people don’t know that we’re married. As much as I want to see you wearing a wedding ring. But I do think we should have the ceremony soon.”

“Can’t keep a secret for long?”

“I can, and I’m sure you can, but I don’t want to be super pregnant when I’m getting married. A little pregnant is fine, but not super pregnant.” It was probably a lot that you were just saying that outright, but you’d talked about it before so he wasn’t overly surprised. But it did make him happy, and it made you happy that it made him happy because you were both on the same page about this. Because you both wanted the same thing at the same time and it made you way happier than you cared to admit. “Not that I’m pregnant right now, we haven’t done anything since I went off of birth control.”

“We should change that tonight.” He responded, leaning over to press a gentle kiss against your cheek. A kiss that trailed down your jawline, against your neck, and it took everything in you to not pull over and do what it was that he wanted to do right now. “Is three months enough time to plan a wedding? I think we could do it in May, that might be good.”

“May is good, and go sit over there you’re making me horny.” You complained, Lukas pressing one last kiss to your neck before obliging you.

By the time you reached the courthouse, you could see Connor waiting outside with Willa. They were both there on time, and yourself and Lukas were there. Nervous, excited, happy to actually be doing this, and there. Nobody was here to hound you about your decision, nobody was here to question whether or not you believed that you were making the right choice. If the people in this building knew who you were, it didn’t matter. Because the prying eyes of the public hadn’t followed you here. The people that you felt like were hunting for information about the two of you weren’t going to bother you, and as you laced your fingers within Lukas’ once you were both outside of the car, you knew fully that this was the best way that you could have possibly done this. A ceremony later, with everyone in your life, and a simple marriage certificate with two people that you trusted to watch.

“I can’t believe you’re actually doing this.” Connor commented, pulling you into a hug. His embrace was always warm and comforting, more genuine than the embrace of most people that you’ve hugged before. And he always has this woodsy smell, like he came from a campfire when you knew that it was more than likely just his cologne.

“Yeah, well, I actually have something I want to ask you.” You responded once you pulled back from the hug, but you kept your arms around him. This was something important, and it was something that you wanted to say to him today not just because you were now planning to have your wedding in as little as three months but also because you wanted him to know that you hadn’t just invited him because you trusted him to not rat you and Lukas out to your siblings if you asked him to keep his mouth shut about it. “We’re having a ceremony in a few months and we’re still working out the kinks, but I really… dad’s dead, right. And mom doesn’t care all that much. But you care, and when everyone else is cold and mean and business-oriented you were always the kindest person I knew. I want you to walk me down the aisle, if that’s something you’re comfortable with.”

Apparently, everyone was going to cry today because now he looked like he wanted to cry. But it made sense. You were asking him to do the most important thing that anyone could possibly do for you at your wedding, and you knew that he had felt ignored his entire life. He felt like people didn’t care about him, like people didn’t see him. But now you were seeing him. You were seeing him and you were telling him that you trusted him more and felt more loved by him than you did by your own living parent, and that made him happy. He hugged you again, confirming that he did, in fact, want to do it, before you all eventually had to go upstairs. You only had until five to actually get everything straightened out, so you couldn’t spend forever standing around in the lobby hugging each other.

Once you did get up to the floor you needed to be on, you were let know that it was going to be about ten minutes before you could actually do what you needed to do. With this time, Connor decided to pull Lukas aside and have some sort of ‘older brother’ talk with him about him marrying his younger sister while you decided to hang out with Willa. You always liked Willa, you liked being around her and you were glad that the two of you had become closer in the past years. You were happy that she was going to be here today, and you knew that she was going to be playing a big part in your bridal party once you actually made it to the ceremony.

“I knew you were going to marry him.” Willa commented, sitting beside you as you furrowed your brows. “Even when you weren’t together, you never stopped talking about him.”

“Yeah, but that was mostly me complaining about us not being together.”

“Complaining about your relationship that ended years ago and crying to Taylor Swift songs does not make me think that you’re not in love with him. Which you were, and you obviously still are.”

“That doesn’t mean that this was always going to happen- I mean, it was, but-”

“And I know people who know people who know him. You were both in love with each other, I just didn’t want to tell you because I thought it would have made it harder for you to deal with.” Lukas still being in love with you was not a surprise, you knew he was because he told you that he was. But other people knowing, not just the people who knew that he was checking in on you but the people who didn’t, that meant something. Maybe not too much, since everyone in your life knew that you were still in love with him too, but it did mean something.

“Did you know I was gonna marry him like this?” You teased, but you couldn’t help but watch him. You didn’t know what was being said between him and Connor, but you were sure that you understood what it could have been. But it really didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because you knew that nothing was going to get in the way of this relationship again, because you knew that the two of you were meant to be together, and it made you happy to be able to watch him. To know that the most beautiful man you knew (in your eyes, at least) was going to be marrying you today. That you would be able to call him your husband, and you were sure that you were looking at him with the most lovestruck expression right now but you just couldn’t bring yourself to care.

“Did you?”

“No, who would anticipate getting married like this?” You questioned, but you were speaking lightly. Nobody really imagined that this was how they would get married, and it certainly wasn’t how you had imagined it when you were a child. But you would still have that ceremony, that party, that honeymoon. Everything that you wanted, you were going to have, even if you were going to be getting married without your father around. That was something that you had come to terms with, something that you were sure that you were going to be thinking about the night of but something that didn’t bother you as much as you had believed that it would. What you had was enough, and your father (as much as you did love him) had made a lot of your life miserable. This was what you wanted, and you were going to be happy with it.

It didn’t take quite ten minutes for someone to arrive to certify your union, and though you were excited for it, you were also nervous. You were shaky, so shaky that Lukas grabbed your hands as he turned to face you as instructed but he was shaking a little bit too. The both of you were excited to do this, nervous in the sense that you were still in a sense of disbelief that this was happening right now but happy regardless. You wanted to do this, right now, today. With the people that you were currently with, and the knowledge that it was something that was going to be kept sacred. Without the prying eyes of people who thought harshly of your relationship, without anyone trying to read into it or make it into something that it wasn’t. As you looked into his eyes, you felt as ease, because this was right. This was the right thing for the two of you.

“Would either of you like to say a few words?” The older woman standing in between you was more gentle than you had anticipated, but you shouldn’t have imagined that this was going to be made unpleasant by the people working here. Just because that was something that you had seen in movies, didn’t mean that it was how things were going to be.

“Well, I don’t think either of us have prepared vows yet.” You spoke, and Lukas nodded in agreement. You had already explained what had happened, that you wanted to get married now in private before you had a ceremony. You left out that you were doing it because you wanted an easier way to move in with Lukas, but you didn’t need to say anything about that because your reasoning was good enough, “But I do have something that I want to say, since he got to say a few words to me earlier today.”

The eyes of the people that were with you were on you. Connor, Willa, the woman who you believed was named Ethel but you were too lost in your own mind to really comprehend what she had been saying to you when she introduced herself. But none of it mattered as you felt Lukas’ hands within yours, and your eyes held his. This wasn’t your wedding ceremony, but it was your marriage. It was everything that you had been waiting for, it was the culmination of a lot of what the two of you have been through, and it was the beginning of something new in your life. Even if it wasn’t the fairytale that you had been thinking of, and it wasn’t even technically the last time that you would be saying ‘I do’, it was the happiest moment of your life.

“I just could never imagine my life with anyone else, and I know that I tell you that I love you all the time but I want to tell you again before we do this. I want to spend my mornings with you, and my nights with you, and those weeks where I just lay in bed and complain about my uterus. Being apart from you is like a form of torture, because you’ll always be the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

Willa groaned at that, but neither of the men understood the reference. You’d have to explain it to Lukas later, because even though he had been subjected to listening to you scream Taylor Swift lyrics he had never fully memorized them himself. Assuredly, you were dreading writing vows. Dreading the idea of sharing such intimate feelings with a crowd of people. Dreading trying to put your thoughts into words, and hoping that they don’t fall short because trying to express your love is such a daunting task. But you can have fun with this one, you can have fun with what you tell him today, because it’s not the last time you’ll be professing your love to him.

It was only a minute or two longer before you were giving each other a chaste kiss and moving away to sign a piece of paperwork. A piece of paperwork certifying that you were married, that you were becoming a Matsson-Roy. That you were taking on the responsibility of changing the name on your driver’s license, and that you were going to be promising yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives. This wasn’t scary to you, though. It made you happy, it made you want to cry but it in the best possible way. It was something that you had always wanted, and you were getting it with the person that you loved more than anything.

Everything felt like a blur until you got home. The congratulations and the fact that that had actually happened all felt surreal, but it was real. The way that he mumbled that he loved you the moment you got in the elevator, the way that he said it again in the car, the way that he just couldn’t wear out calling you his wife and you couldn’t wear out calling him your husband because that was what you were now. It didn’t feel real but it was real, it was real and it was everything that you had wanted for a long time and everything that you had been through felt like it was worth it now. Because this was how it was supposed to be, and you would be moving in with him soon enough, and you were happy - truly happy. Happier than you’ve ever been in your life (though, that may be a low bar).

It took all of five seconds when you got back to your house for him to have you on the bed, though, for your outfit to be piled on top of his turtleneck sweater and pants on the floor, for your back to be pressed against the pillows and his lips to be kissing down your body, down your chest as his fingers unhook your bra. “Maybe two months.”

“What?” You muttered, your brain feeling a bit too foggy to actually figure out what he was trying to say to you.

“Two months until our ceremony.”

“Yeah, two months sounds perfect.” Your fingers ran through his hair, and his lips connected with one of your breasts while his fingers trailed down your stomach, pushing underneath the lace of your panties. The sound of your moan filling the air made him move his lips lower, his hands hooking underneath you fabric of your panties as you rose your hips slightly to help him remove them.

“You’re okay with this, right?”

“You eating me out? Of course I’m okay with that.”

“No, well, yes, consent. But, no, the… you’re okay with trying tonight?”

“Oh,” You leaned up so you were resting on one of your elbows, your other hand moving so you could rest it on your cheek. “Yes, I’m one hundred percent okay with it. I want us to start a family, and we’ve spent enough time not doing that.”

That definitely gave him the confidence that he needed to spread your thighs apart, his tongue brushing against your clit and instantly making you drop your arm back beside you. Your fingers curled into the sheets as he pushed two fingers into your cunt, because he was absolutely going to get a few orgasms out of you tonight. You knew that, and he knew it from the moment he got you into this bedroom.

His movements were quick but they were precise, practiced because he knew your body. You’d been having embarrassing amounts of sex with each other whenever you could, that first week that you got back together you didn’t really walk right for a good few days because of just how much you two felt the need to get reacquainted with each other. He knew what made you tick, he knew what was going to make you cum with your cunt wrapped around your fingers, and he knew that he was going to be right there to hold you through it.

His fingers touched just the right spot every few seconds, leaving you little reprieve especially when paired with the lapping of his tongue against your clit. But this was different, it was already overwhelming because it wasn’t like the other times that you had done this with him. Because it wasn’t like when you were just sleeping together, and it wasn’t like when he was your boyfriend, because he was your husband now. He was your husband, and you were getting used to using that word but it felt like you were going to wear it out at some point because you just couldn’t stop thinking about it. It felt like a fever dream but you knew that it wasn’t. You were married, and you were doing this as husband and wife, and it meant more to you than you could possibly imagine.

Your head fell back against the pillow as you let out a moan of his name along with a praise for how good he made you feel, how much you love him. Though he had initially not taken much time to do this for you when the two of you had gotten together, he seemed to enjoy it now. He enjoyed it because you enjoyed it, because he liked to see you falling apart for him. Because he liked to make you feel good. Because he liked knowing that he was the one making you feel this way, and that you were his.

As you felt yourself becoming more lost in the moment, you reached down to grab his free hand, intertwining your fingers. You could feel his finger toying with the ring on yours, like it was some kind of confirmation that this was what was going on, that he was doing this and that he had given you a ring today. It seemed like you were both in the same state of euphoric bliss that made everything feel like a fever dream, but you were also eager. You weren’t just eager to cum, but eager for him to cum, because the birth control will be out of your system by now, and even if it doesn’t happen tonight, this is going to be the first time that you’re actually trying to have children.

Your fingers tightened around his as he sped up the pace of the fingers that were currently between your thighs, his lips wrapping around your clit and bringing you over the edge as you held onto him. He didn’t stop your hips from bucking against his face as he pulled his fingers from you, his tongue pushing slightly into your cunt as you came against his tongue. Lukas waited until your hips stilled to remove his mouth from you, crawling up your body but using his free hand to push his boxers from his hips.

Once you opened your eyes you felt him remove his hand from yours to trace your cheek, his thumb rubbing against the skin. He almost looked in awe of you, like you weren’t real and he was just having some kind of dream. But you were both real, and this was very real, and after all of that time apart feeling like your heart would never beat quite right without each other, you were finally doing this again. You were together again, and you were married. You were more than just together again, because you had never been husband and wife before.

“I love you so fucking much.” He mumbled, his lips brushing against yours as you felt the head of his cock against your still sensitive clit, a moan escaping your lips as he focused his attention there for a moment just to watch the reactions coming from your face. You could feel the precum against you, the slickness of it combining with the wetness that was already present within your cunt.

“I would literally die for you.”

“The feelings mutual.” He quickly pushed inside of you, not wasting any time in bottoming out. But as much as you wanted to just let him fuck you, you almost felt like he had done enough. He was the one that came back, the one that made you cum, and just as you tried to pull a fast one and flip him over so you could ride him he very quickly moved to press his hand against your stomach so you were against the bed. “I’m the one putting a baby in you, let me fuck you.”

“I mean, scientifically, I don’t think it matters who’s on top but whatever floats your boat.” It was probably less about science and more about the power of it, the power of having you underneath him while he cums inside of you. The power of him being the one that’s making you cum, that’s making both of you cum, when he’s trying to get you pregnant. You were sure that was why he wanted to be on top, but you also weren’t complaining the moment that he started thrusting inside of you, because he wasn’t taking a single moment of reprieve because he set an impossibly brutal pace the moment that he knew that he was good to start fucking you.

“It doesn’t, but we have all the time in the world for you to make me cum. Right now, I’m going to pump your pussy full of cum and you’re going to get pregnant. Okay?”

“Y-yeah, okay. Sounds good.” You leaned up to capture his lips within yours, it was sloppy but you kind of liked it when it was like that. When there was a trail of saliva that connected your lips when you pulled apart, when you could feel his tongue against you mouth, when you could taste your own cunt on your tastebuds. You liked it when he moaned into your mouth, when you could moan freely into his. It felt intimate in a strange way, and it always turned you on way more than it should without detracting from the pleasure of him fucking into you with reckless abandon - because boy was he on a mission today.

Your leg wrapped around his hip, giving him a deeper angle to hit as you felt yourself gripping onto whatever you could get a hold of. Lukas let you take his hands, pushing your hands up above your head as he changed the angle of his hips up a bit. He was fucking into you so deeply that you were positive that he was going to hit something that would hurt, but he never did. He never did anything to hurt you because he wouldn’t, all he did was make you feel good. Everything felt good. He felt so good, and you were sure that he knew that from the way that you were reacting, from the way that your moans filled the room, the way that the noises coming from your mouth and your cunt sounded almost pornographic.

The feeling of your fingers squeezing around his was almost comforting for him, but the feeling of the cold metal against his hand was a reminder. You were married, you were wearing a ring he gave you, and you were giving him the full go ahead to get you pregnant. It was almost odd for him, that he only really considered any of this something that he wanted when it was with you, but that just made it more meaningful. It made it more meaningful because there was absolutely nobody else that he would ever want to do this with, and because he knew that there was no one else that you would ever want to marry or have children with. You both belonged to each other, and even during that period of time where you claimed that you didn’t you were really just lying to yourselves to help you get some sleep at night.

“I think I really like fucking my wife.” His lips pulled back from yours just far enough for him to speak, but they were still against them. Still pressing kisses to your mouth in between his words, still letting his hot breath touch your skin. He was still there, still close, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

“I rather enjoy being fucked by my husband.” You affirmed, your fingers holding onto his hand a bit tighter. You watched him for a moment, your eyes locked despite the closeness. He was so beautiful, you had always believed that he was the most beautiful person that you knew and he had always believed the same about you, even when you didn’t have the confidence to accept that complement full heartedly.

He brought you into another kiss, his thrusts a bit harsher as he continued to bring you both closer the edge. You knew that you could feel it building within you, just knowing that you were both so eager to be doing this while married was doing something for you, but he was also intensely good at fucking you. Of course, you knew that. You had known that for a long time, but it still left you clinging to him as you got closer and closer to your second orgasm, Lukas thrusts getting sloppier and sloppier as he got closer to his own release.

Lukas pulled back so you could look at each other as you came, though you knew your eyes would close. So you could see each other, because you knew the meaning behind it. The meaning behind where he was cumming, and why, and the fact that even if tonight wasn’t the night that you got pregnant it was going to be one of these nights. You were going to have a child with him, and you were going to start your family together, and you were absolutely beyond excited to enter that part of your life with him.

A mumbled ‘I love you’ fell from his lips as his cum filled you, sending you over the edge as your cunt squeezed him. It felt like your body was trying to hold him inside of you, trying to ensure that his cum didn’t drip from you. And it was exciting for the both of you, exciting and nerve-wracking but it was everything that you wanted from this moment even if you were both just being horny.

After a good minute or two he pulled out of you, lying down beside you on the bed. You were going to need to go into the bathroom and clean up, change into your pajamas and talk more about everything that had just went down. About the fact that you were married, about when you were going to come live with him, about what your wedding was going to be like and who was going to be invited. About the fact that you were now actively trying to get pregnant. All of that was going to have to be discussed, but for right now. He just wanted to hold you. To hold you, and to let you hold onto him, and to kiss your forehead, and your cheek, and your lips, because you had both been waiting for this for a long time.

Maybe it was abrupt and maybe it was unorthodox and maybe certain people wouldn’t approve of how the two of you went about things, because it didn’t matter. Neither of you were ever intended to be apart from each other forever, and you never would be again. Nothing about this relationship was ever normal or by the books, and it didn’t need to be. You were what you were, but you were happy with it. Beyond happy. Whether or not the concept of a ‘soulmate’ existed was something you weren’t sure about, and didn’t care to get into. But you were positive that you were meant to be here, right now, with Lukas - and it was all that you could have ever asked for.

Chapter Text

Her eyes lingered on him far too long as she swirled the drink in her hands. It wasn’t just the fact that Lukas was in the same room as her again - because they’d been in the same room quite a few times in the past few months. It wasn’t even the fact that they’d been broken up for a year as of last week. No. Cassie was staring at him because another woman was staring at him. 

Lukas wasn’t really paying her the time of day, too occupied talking to one of the people who worked for him about something that she presumed had to do with work. That was what this was, anyway. A gala that she went to because Shiv asked her to come with her. She could have gone home, said that she was sick to her stomach, that the proximity was making her a little bit sick to her stomach because the idea of watching something transpire was making her sick.

“You know, you’d think you were still dating with the way you’re trying to kill that girl with your eyes.” Shiv said after a moment, causing Cassie to break her stare. “You can’t really… make him not hook up with people. You know that, right?” 

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you’re hooking up with people.”

“I’m aware.” 

“So what’s the problem?” 

But even as she said it, Shiv knew exactly what the problem was. Cassie could fathom the idea of Lukas being happy without her. She wanted him to be happy. The breakup had been beneficial for both of them. They both needed to break up if they ever wanted to heal and be okay after every unforgivable thing that had transpired between them. She wanted him to have the most sunny, brilliant life that he could ever possibly imagine… alone. Inside. Watching the ceiling fan or reading a book. 

“I want him to be happy.” Cassie responded, and she did. She was being entirely, completely honest when she said it. “But not with her.” 

“With who, then?” 

Cassie couldn’t help the way she looked at the girl again. Were her tits bigger? Did she have smoother skin? Was her ass rounder? Her brain was swimming in thoughts of Lukas using his mouth to kiss her lips, to kiss down her chest - to do everything that he used to do with her. She knew he had to have had sex at some point in the past year, or at least gotten off to the idea of someone else. She had, too. It would be entirely hypocritical and downright immoral to think otherwise.

“No one, right?” 

“Shiv-”

“I’m just saying.” 

Cassie knew that Shiv was right, but it wasn’t until Lukas looked up and made eye contact with her that she ducked her head into her cosmo, taking a big sip from it before making her way outside. She just needed some air, the cold night air making her feel a bit more at ease before she felt someone standing beside her. She figured that it was her sister, coming to make sure that she was okay given that she was the one that invited her to come here. 

But, as fate would have it, that was not who was standing beside her.

“Didn’t think you were going to make it to this one.” It was Lukas who was speaking beside her, his voice overly cautious as he watched her. She didn’t look like she was freaking out, she wasn’t even breathing particularly quickly. She was just… a little overstimulated by everything that was going on in her mind and it didn’t help that the band that they paid for this event was abysmal. 

“I wouldn’t have come had I known how bad the music was going to be.” She finally responded, turning her attention away from the carpark so she could look at the man beside her. He looked the same as he had the last time she saw him, even down to that familiar pain that had been in his eyes. 

Lukas huffed out a quiet laugh in response, though he didn’t deny that the band was rather awful. She leaned against the wall as she watched him light up a cigarette. Seemingly, he was doing so under the guise that he had left the building for a smoke break, but they both knew that he had left the building so he could follow her outside. 

Cassie couldn’t help her wandering thoughts, her mind going back to the prospect of him being with someone else. She knew that she couldn’t really think like that, and it wasn’t something that was going to keep her up at night. It was just a passing thought that came up once in a while and made her feel a little bit more miserable than she was willing to admit to herself. 

Her attention left that thought, though, as she noticed his hand in front of her face. Her eyes darted down to his fingers, taking the cigarette that he was offering her. There was something strangely normal about this, sharing the same cigarette like it was normal to do something like this with your ex-boyfriend. But Cassie didn’t stop it, not even when she heard the slight hitch in his breath when she accepted it. 

Neither of them spoke as they shared it, but neither of them really needed to speak. It was somewhat comfortable, not an awkward silence that they didn’t want to be in. There was a thick tension in the air, unspoken pining and desires. But neither of them were quite ready to voice them again. Speaking just felt like it would ruin the moment, so until the cigarette was put out they were both quiet. 

“Better head back in there before they start to worry.” Lukas said after a moment, like he needed to ask her first. But Cassie only nodded, still not moving. Not until he started moving. Perhaps she shouldn’t have stopped him, perhaps she shouldn’t have given him a brief hug, and she certainly shouldn’t have kissed his cheek. But Lukas didn’t seem to mind it. Somehow it was the healthiest interaction that either of them had since before everything got bad.

It solidified Cassie’s real, honest desire for Lukas to be happy… even if the thought of him ever being intimate with anyone else made her chest ache like she still loved him like she always had… because truthfully… she did. But that was an issue to unpack another time. For now, she just silently hoped that he decided that he was a massive introvert at some point.

Chapter Text

The wedding never did end up being what you had envisioned when you proposed a real ceremony happening. It was near impossible to get the entire family in the same room, but that didn’t make it any less of a beautiful moment for you. 

Kendall refused to come, which you honestly expected despite everything that he had been through with you. Some part of you believed that you could have worn him down into coming at some point, but you decided after a month or so that you didn’t want or need to violate his comfort like that. Shiv was easier, though it was more Tom that forced her to come than anything. And Roman… showed up for the booze after the actual ‘boring sappy romance shit’ that he didn’t want to witness. 

Connor was the one who decided to walk you down the aisle when the time came. It was something that you weren’t sure about. By all means, your mother was alive. But she was an absent presence in your life. Something looming in the background to remind you of what once was. A miserable childhood that you wanted nothing more than to move past. She was present, but even then, she was never loving enough to feel slighted by you choosing to have Connor do the honors instead of her. 

It was strange how natural it felt, though. But maybe that had more to do with the fact that you were already married to Lukas long before you married him. Maybe it was because you weren’t really nervously doing your makeup in the bathroom and wondering if you were making the right decision. It felt easier because you had already done it, because you were just giving yourself that beautiful moment that you had always dreamed of while you were growing up. 

Because of that, perhaps you should have felt more embarrassed by how much you cried throughout the whole ordeal. Reciting vows that you both had more than a day to think up. Doing this the way that you almost thought you were never going to do. It was odd, knowing that this was something that you daydreamed about before everything went wrong. Before you had to start viewing the relationship and nothing more than a thing of the past. But it always felt like something that was silly to daydream about - something that could never happen between the two of you. 

Whether it be your family (and honestly, that was the biggest part of the problem), or the issues that you both went into the relationship with, it never seemed like something that was really plausible - something that you could look forward to. 

Given that the entire relationship started as nothing more than a hookup and you, desperate and lonely and looking for someone to call a friend who didn’t happen to be related to you. It was never something that seemed like it would go somewhere until it did. Until it was something that you almost felt as thought you couldn’t live without. Something that made you wonder if you were falling in love, and then you realized that you were. Something that you had to hide to avoid being scrutinized by your family and the public, and something that you also hid because you were afraid that other people being involved would ruin the only good thing that you really felt like you had. 

Sure, there were a lot of things that went wrong. Nobody would sit back and contest that with a straight face. 

The both of you did things that were inexcusable, things that most people wouldn’t be able to forgive and look past. For a short while there, it felt like you were both dedicated to breaking each other’s hearts as much as you possibly could for the hell of it. It wasn’t something you were proud of. Even looking back - just four years later - there’s a bit of shame in remembering how poorly you had reacted to everything. The shock that came with the loss of your father, the reckless need to find an outlet to take some of the confusing pain that you were feeling on anyone that could or would take it without complaint. 

That’s not to say that Lukas was without error. 

He was, and he acknowledged that the things that he did were wrong. That letting you believe he was cheating, that expressing interest in another woman (your own sister no less) after claiming that he was faithful was something that he should have known better than to do. But you knew that your actions were that of a girl. Immature, babied to a fault. You never really were allowed to grow on your own without the iron-clad grasp of your father’s wants and needs on your throat, reminding you that you could never be more than the company. Reminding you that you could never be more than what he wanted you to be. 

You were too reactionary, too emotional. The actions that you took were actions that you were ashamed of, that you could never really fully forgive yourself for even if they took place during a period of grief and anguish. A period in which it felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again anyway, so maybe it didn’t matter what actions you took in retaliation. 

Despite it, despite everything that had happened, you have both grown through time spent apart. A timeframe that was three years and counting by the time that Lukas showed up at your door. Because you had given him an opening by leaving a note on the back of the picture that you gave him. You told him where you were going, giving him permission to find you. At some point, you figured, you would both at the very least decide to get real closure. 

Granted, you saw him a bit throughout those three years. Each time solidified that it felt nearly impossible to move on from him. Each time reminded you of just how much you loved him, of how nauseated you were by the thought of him with someone else. Because, sure, you wanted Lukas to be happy. But you also never wanted to imagine him with another person. It was hypocritical, which was why you kept it to yourself. But those thoughts didn’t really translate to someone who had moved on. So, when he showed up at your door again? You knew all of those longing glances from across the room meant something. You knew that they were for a reason. But, most of all, you knew that you were never really meant to move on from him.

So when you did marry him like that. When you did have that ceremony that you had dreamed of as a girl but could never quite see as something that was cut out for you, the only thing you could really do was feel overwhelming joy. Sure, you were already legally married. But there was something symbolic, something beautiful to you, about doing something like this. 

It wouldn’t be until a few days later that you would start feeling a bit too sick to your stomach. Lukas had been at work when it happened. You were watching television, some news show that you were using to help you learn Swedish since you were living there now and you wanted to learn it. But it felt like… too much. Everything felt hot, your skin felt freezing, and you were over the toilet at least half of the day before you decided to just make a run into town and buy a pregnancy test. 

Sure enough, it came back positive. So, like any reasonable woman would do, you hopped back in the car, drove down the mountain, and purchased five more pregnancy tests (which you hastily used in the bathroom of a cafe), and they all came back positive. For one final reassurance, you paid a visit to your doctor, who ran some tests and delivered the news, once again, that you were very much pregnant. 

It was something that the both of you had been trying to do for a bit now. Something that you had been relatively unsuccessful with until now. But you were so excited that your broke your rule about not visiting Lukas at work because it ‘brought back icky memories’ to let him know that you were expecting. The man was so ecstatic that he took the rest of the day off to buy books about expecting babies and ask you every single question that he could possibly think to ask, even though you didn’t know the answer to a good majority of them. 

The pregnancy itself was… interesting. Lukas worked from home most of the time. He claimed that one of the books that he was reading had let him know that it would be best for the pregnancy and the development of a healthy baby for the father to be present physically most of the time. Deciding not to question him, you happily accepted that your husband was spending more time at home while you started spending more time purchasing clothing that fit your growing stomach. 

It wasn’t for another few months that you realized that the baby was actually plural during a check in. Soon after that you found out that you were having two boys, and you vowed that you were trying again as soon as possible so you could have a girl, too. 

When they actually came, it was an adjustment period. Everything had been baby-proofed as best as it possibly could. Despite reading up on how to become parents and how to adjust to the change, there were still a lot of things that you both needed to learn. You needed to learn how to really live for someone that wasn’t the two of you, how to care for a little life and morph it into someone that you could be proud of. Someone that didn’t have to grow up with the same trauma that the both of you had to grow up with. 

The first and foremost thing that you were concerned with was making sure that the children would never feel pressured into a life that they didn’t want when they grew up. That they weren’t handed off to a nanny like the both of you were for the majority of your childhoods. Lukas did often have to work at the office, but you decided that you were perfectly happy to the the one staying at home with the boys while he was away. Sometimes, though, you brought them in. Visited him while he was working and let him hold his kids while you napped in the corner or watched with utter delight because you, pretty quickly, had decided that seeing him with your babies was your favorite thing in the entire world. 

Whether fortunately or unfortunately, your genes didn’t fight back. The boys looked just like him, and you wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up being incredibly tall once they got older. Lukas claimed that it was because he had ‘strong viking-like genes’, but you weren’t so sure about that one. 

There was something inherently healing about being able to raise the children, though. Knowing that you didn’t have to continue the cycle that your family had been put through. The pain and abuse that your father had been subjected to, that he then subjected all of his children to, just for most of his children who had their own children to exhibit the exact same behavior. It was something that you wanted to avoid at all cost, and knowing that choice was with you was something that brought you a lot of inner peace. Because you knew that you could make the difference. That only you could make the difference.

Lukas was present, and surprisingly gentle. He didn’t know what to do with them at first, but neither did you. You were both kind of a mess when it came to having your own children to care for during the first few months. But weren’t most new parents? Everything was a learning curve. From the proper way to hold a bottle to learning that babies seem to never sleep. But it was something that you were both happy to learn, especially if you were learning all of it together. 

There were moments in which you would sometimes which that things had been different, that you were able to do this years ago. But there was another part of you that knew that you wouldn’t change anything. Everything had happened the exact way that it was always supposed to, and you knew that. You knew that what happened with Lukas happened the way that it was meant to, even if you didn’t know it at the time that it was happening. 

Because you really wouldn’t trade it for the world. Not the way that he looked when he fell asleep with the kids, not the way that he lit up when you visited the office with them in your arms, not the way that you made jokes about how they were going to be taller than you before they turned ten if they were really going to inherit his genes. Everything felt perfect, even if the way that it had started was anything but. 

It was maybe another year before you found those same symptoms from before coming back. A year before you were quite sure that you were pregnant again, and another few days more until you came to discover that you were, in fact, pregnant again. It wasn’t like either of you were really trying to stop it from happening again - you were pretty dedicated to the prospect of having a girl, to be exact. 

Throughout the first few months, Lukas seemed keen on making jokes about how it was ‘definitely going to be a boy’ just to spite you, but that tune seemed to change the moment you actually found out the gender. If he had prepped before, this was something entirely different. Lukas took more time off work, helped with the kids while you dealt with the pregnancy more than he actually had to (since, really, you were fully capable of walking even though he claimed that you shouldn’t have to). 

And when the baby was born? It was like there was a light in his eyes that you’d never seen in anyone else’s before. She looked exactly like you, like… a perfect one to one copy of what you had looked like as a baby. 

The moment that you had her, it was like everything changed. But everything had been changing for a long time, if you were being honest. You had never known that you would be a mother, never could have figured that you would be sitting here with three children and a husband who you loved more than anything. How were you supposed to anticipate something like that?

But having a girl did change things. Lukas was painfully attentive. You’d heard stories about dads being overly protective and careful with their daughters - looking at them and seeing their whole world instead of just a little girl. But you had no experience with that. 

Your father had never looked at you or Shiv like you were his entire world. He looked at all of his children the same, for the most part. Like they were only good for what he could use them for. Like the value in having children was having someone to carry on your legacy, and not having a human life that you were supposed to love and care for. He never looked at either of you like you had heard some dads looked at their daughters, so you weren’t really sure if you believed that. 

It wasn’t until the moment that she came into the world that you saw how different things could truly be under the right circumstances. 

It was as though Lukas had everything that he could ever want when he had her. Like there was nothing else in the entire world that would make him happier than making that baby laugh. It was something that made your heart swell. His smile was always beautiful to you, but seeing it in front of his own child was something that made you feel all sorts of soft and fuzzy inside. 

Lukas seemed keen on making sure that she had cute little outfits, going shopping with you even though he really looked quite out of place in the shopping centre’s that were mainly filled with young mothers. He seemed concerned about anything and everything, though it didn’t just end with making sure that your daughter was cared for. Lukas was deathly concerned with making sure that you were recovering well. 

Of course, you thankfully were. Everything with the birth and the recovery went better than it had the first time. You liked to joke that it was because you only had to push out one that time, though it also probably had a lot to do with the fact that you both had a much better grasp on what you were actually doing this time around.

A few months had passed by now, and you were sitting in his office with her on your lap. The boys were fast asleep in their seats, something that you always found funny. The whole ‘twin connection’ thing was something that always just seemed like a silly myth, but the two of them always managed to find a way to prove it to you. Whether it was falling asleep together, or just finishing something for the other one. They always seemed to be sharing a brain with each other. 

“Can you pass me my daughter?” Lukas’ voice caught your attention, your head moving away from her little face with a raise eyebrow. “Please?” 

A big smile crossed your lips as you moved closer to him, letting him pull you closer so you were sitting on top of him. He moved to grab the girl in your arms, his other arm wrapping around your waist while he kept working. And this was normal for you both, by now. Sitting here, a place that you figured that you would never want to come back to after everything that had happened. Happy, smiling, enjoying the way that he looked and acted when it came to his daughter. 

“My genes didn’t fight back at all.” He mumbled, and you only leaned back to press a kiss against his cheek, your eyes scanning over his face. Sometimes it was difficult to process that any of this had happened at all, that you were really sitting here right now. It wasn’t something that you could have anticipated, not a few years ago, and hardly now. 

“We literally have two children who look exactly like you.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Seems like I ran out of ink.” 

“Maybe.” 

Your head turned to look at the girl. The only real physical differences between what you looked like and that age and what she looks like now is a couple of birthmarks, nothing crazy. But there was an innate difference in the way that all of the kids looked, because you were good with them. Because you liked kids, and didn’t make them feel like their love was nothing more than profit for you. 

Growing up, you had felt like you meant nothing more than dollar signs to your father. You felt like, maybe, if you worked hard enough you could get him to give you the love that you now knew was always supposed to not come with terms and conditions. You figured that, with enough work ethic and grit, you could be someone worth something. It wasn’t until now that you fully understood that it was always twisted, that you never needed to prove yourself. 

The core differences between your children and you was how they were raised. How they didn’t feel like they needed to compete. And things would get more complicated once they got older, because the company was still something that loomed in the background. Their family lineage was still something that would follow them. But you could only hope that it wouldn’t follow them in the same way that it did you. 

“They’re already getting strangely tall.” You commented, a smile covering his lips as he turned to look at you. 

“Yeah, and she’s already getting… short.”

“That makes no sense.”
“I know that, yeah. I see that now.” 

But it was easy. It was easy to be like this. Easy to bring your hand to rest on his, easy to be with Lukas without the watchful gaze of the people who didn’t understand what it was that you really wanted. 

Truthfully, you never could have anticipated any of this when you first met him. It was just supposed to be sex and rebellion. But through it, you recognized how lonely you were. Sitting in your pristine home, wishing that you had someone who you could laugh with, someone who didn’t look at you like you were nothing more than what they could gain from you. 

Friendship an sex became something else entirely, and there were a lot of days that you carried a lot of deep regret about how you had handled it. But you also understood why it had happened the way that it had. It was easy to condemn yourself for your regrets, but it was another - far more difficult - task to understand why these regrets had happened and ensure that history can never repeat itself. 

The melancholy that seemed to follow you everywhere you went was something that you had been able to leave behind when you came here, when you felt like you could be from your past. But running didn’t take the pain away, and ignoring every problem in your life didn’t allow you to heal from it. The time apart, the time to heal and understand everything, allowed for you to actually heal from it, to actually find the happiness that you could only dream of in days past. 

“I really do like that she looks just like you.” Lukas mentioned after a moment, though he was somewhat trying to focus on his work in front of him. He always had a difficult time focusing when you were there, but he also had a difficult time focusing when you weren’t there and ended up going home halfway through the day. There really was no winning when it came to convincing him to do his job. 

“You and half of my siblings, apparently.” 

Connor and Kendall seemed to be constantly asking for pictures of the girl, claiming that they were pretty sure you were ‘just sending your own baby pictures’. But you always liked to point out to the contrary that it couldn’t be you. 

“She has a little it of your eyes.” You mentioned, something that got his attention as he looked down. Lukas had very recognizable blue eyes, very bright and blue. She didn’t have his hair, or his Swedish genes. But she had a fleck of the exact same shade of blue in both of her eyes. “So not a one for one copy, exactly.” 

“She does.” He agreed after a moment, taking a moment to really evaluate what he was looking at. She did have a little bit of his exact eye color in her eyes, something that he couldn’t deny. But that only made the girl more perfect to him. A more perfect combination of the two of you. 

You only spent another hour or so longer still lingering in the office before going home. It wasn’t until later that night, when the children were asleep and you were both sitting on the balcony, that you allowed your mind to truly roam to what had once been. What would have been had he never decided to come to find you, all freezing cold in the snow and not wearing the appropriate weather attire like his own well-being was a second thought in his mind when the first thought was coming to bring you home. 

“I wouldn’t change it for the world, you know.” You finally said after a moment, turning your head to look at him. The mountains were always your favorite thing to look at with the moon behind them, something that Lukas had gotten used to with you. 

It meant something, admitting that. Because there were a lot of things that you wished you could change, a lot of things that happened that you wished that neither of you had done - that you wished that neither of you had gone through. But if it meant not getting what you had now, it wasn’t something that you would ever be willing to change. You loved what you had, and you would never let anything take it away from you. 

“If changing it meant not having this? I wouldn’t either.” Because there were things that Lukas wished he could change, too. Pretty much the same things that you wished that you could change. But there was no way of doing that. No way of going back and altering what had happened in the past. The only thing that you could really do was grow from what had happened. 

After a moment, you moved from your chair so you could curl up on the little padded bench with him, your fingers still lingering on the beverage that you had been sipping. The mountains were quite beautiful, serene. There wasn’t really anything like them that you had been exposed to before you had come here. But there was still a part of you that couldn’t help but think about the past that led you here. 

The first time you were ever at this home was quite some time ago. You didn’t really know what you were doing, you just knew that you wanted someone to be close with. You didn’t know what you were getting into with him, and some part of you could still feel echoes of your former self. The house had changed, it had changed a lot more when you moved in and added your own personal affects to it. 

But sometimes you could see yourself running through the hallways, or pressed up against the counter. You could see the time that you taught him how to properly make chocolate chip pancakes because he seemed to be confused by the way that some waffle restaurants topped their breakfast foods and thought that there weren’t also chocolate chips inside of them (granted, it would have still been good had he mixed the dough properly, but you ate every bit regardless). 

Sometimes you could remember the very first time that you told him that you loved him in tis very house, and the pain that came along with him not being able to say it back at that very moment. Truthfully, you had learned past that when you actually found the time to talk about everything in great detail that he had loved you pretty quickly into everything. Around the same time that you had decided that you loved him, actually. 

Some part of you kind of knew that. He had asked for your father’s blessing, somehow. He had asked when he found out that the two of you were together, and given that the window between that and your father dying was rather short, you knew that he had definitely loved you for a bit before he had actually confessed to it. 

Sure, sometimes when you thought about that past version of yourself you felt more regret than anything, but you also felt like you could see that person as different. You were different. He was different. You had both changed in ways that you were quite sure that neither of you could have ever anticipated when it came down to it. But ways that you were behind happy for. 

There was a small smile on your lips as you turned to look at him, one that was mirrored. You were both flawed, both… disasters of people for the most part. But something about that clicked. Something about finding someone who was as messy as you were - but willing to grow - was something that you were sure you wouldn’t ever change even if you got the chance. There was nothing about any of this that you would ever be willing to change, no matter what happened. 

Of course you could never see yourself marrying or having kids in the future, it just wasn’t in the little life that had been curated for you. The life of the innocent, well-meaning public facing persona that had been given to you. But the cutthroat, brutal reality of the life that you were forced to live behind the scenes just if you wanted to survive. That life that you were forced to have, the one that you figured was the only one that you would ever be worthy of, didn’t have time for peace, or happiness. 

It didn’t have time for stillness, or being able to not worry about profit margins or what investor or politician was currently having a public upset. That perfectly curated life didn’t allow for you to live the life that you wanted, but that life was never yours. 

That box that you were shoved in was never one of your own design. 

For once, you were free from it, no longer confined to it and what expectations others placed upon you. And for the first time, you were truly happy in a way that nobody could ever take away from you.

As you felt Lukas wrap an arm around your waist, you leaned your head into his shoulder. He made some silly joke about how he was definitely going to need to have more children with you (which you didn’t disagree to, but you definitely wanted to pump the breaks for a while). But with a smile on your face, and your eyes trained on the pretty horizon in front of you, there was an inherent peace that settled over you. No secrets, no rushing to get everything just right, no need for approval. 

The goals that you had wanted when you first met Lukas were entirely different, and yet, you had gotten everything that you didn’t know that you wanted. Everything that you didn’t know would bring you real peace. And for that, nothing else in the world mattered to you. No mistakes, no pain, no bad memories - nothing could ever really take this away from you. 

Deep down, you knew this was the only place you were ever meant to end up.