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Chapter Text

JD stood at the nurse's station running his hands through his well-styled hair. It was 15 hours into his 16-hour shift and although it wasn't the busiest of nights at the hospital, it certainly wasn't the most calm. First there was the hypochondriac who had his weekly episode. Running every test they needed to in order to just send the guy on his way. Then there were the regular old folks residents who just needed to be taken care of enough to get their temperature down so they could be shipped back to where they belonged. The worst part though was the construction worker. By the time he'd arrived, there'd been very little chance the hospital could save him. He'd tried everything he could, but sometimes there was just nothing left.

As the memories of the night faded away, he finalized the remaining paperwork, folded the clipboard, and filed it away. He'd become a doctor to save lives and help people, but on nights like tonight he didn't really feel like he was making much of a difference.

"Clarabel!"

JD turned around, startled out of his tired state, and saw Dr. Cox aggressively walking towards him. Already having made eye contact, it was too late to walk away as though he didn't hear him. Suppressing a groan that only his inner thoughts could now hear, he tried to allow himself to smile and appear less tired.

"Per-Bear. Wonderful night isn't it?"

Dr. Cox scowled in his usual way. Not having been able to finish his nap in the on call room was really messing with his already bad attitude.

"Now Jasmine. I'm going to ignore that little comment of yours and blame your bad judgment on the fact your brain can only do one job at a time. And seeing as you're at work, I'd like to think that's your first priority. But keep in mind that when speaking to me, I become your first priority. And keep those girl friend nicknames to yourself."

Holding back and eye roll, JD just repeated only one more hour in his brain. Then he could go back to the apartment, turn on Gilmore Girls, and hopefully retire into his bed dreaming of…

Dr. Cox snapped his fingers.

"Can you stay out of dreamland Anna? We only have one more hour in this god-forsaken place and then I can finally watch the basketball game before someone around here ruins the score for me. And in order for us to both get out of here, this is now for you."

"JD grabbed the patient chart as it was thrust into his chest. Great, just what I need. Another patient. Flipping it open he instantly regretted this whole moment. Joshua Carter, age 11, suspected child abuse. Those were the worst cases. Except maybe cancer, or terminal illness in toddlers, or…

Dr. Cox snapped his fingers again.

"God. Can anyone in this place even pretend to be a doctor? Of all the incompetent people I had to get stuck with on this shift it had to be Newbie."

He didn't hear the rest as Dr. Cox stormed away with other charts in his hands. His eyes grazing over the patient chart he now held, he sighed. Looking at his watch, there was under an hour left now. Time to get this over with and see what information he could get from Joshua alone, before the tougher task of moving onto the parents.

-----

Turk and Carla sat snuggled up and comfortable on the sofa. As Carla watched Turk's eyes start to close, she turned off the tv ready to head for bed. Turks eyes immediately shot open.

"Carla, baby, I know you're tired. But can I please stay up another hour so I can see JD when he gets home? We've been on opposite shifts all week and I miss my vanilla bear."

Carla rolled her eyes and got up off the sofa.

"Turk, sometimes I feel as though you and JD are in the relationship and I'm the third wheel. Could I have married into a weirder relationship?"

Her bare feet padded across the floor to the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Turning off the light and getting into bed, she couldn't help but smile. Her man may be connected at the leg to his best friend, but she loved him anyway. Quite frankly, she loved them both.

-----

JD settled down in the chair next to Joshua's bedside. He found in most cases like this, the less the patient viewed him as an authority figure, the more he could usually get out of them. Propping on foot onto his opposite knee and clearing his throat of any tiredness, he jumped into the all too familiar questionnaire.

"So. Joshua. How are you feeling? I can have the nurses bring something for you if you want?"

Joshua looked up. JD hadn't noticed before, but it was obvious now that the boy had been crying. The dark circles under his eyes clearly meant more than just a punch in the face. The kid looked too jittery to be tired, but all the signs of exhaustion were there. Assuming it was fear that was keeping Joshua awake, JD continued.

"You know Josh, if someone's hurting you, you can tell us. We won't make you go back there. We'll find somewhere else for you to be."

"No!" Joshua quietly yelled. "No one's hurting me – didn't my parents tell you already once before? I was snowboarding. I'm not really very good at it yet. I made a lot of mistakes."

JD signed. He knew Joshua was lying He was all too familiar with situations like these. Kids who were more scared of people finding out, than they were of the consequences at home. Not wanting to push Joshua too hard yet, he flipped open his chart again. By the extent of his injuries he'd be here awhile. Sometimes the best plan was to get to know the kid, let them learn to trust you. He might not be the best doctor in this hospital, Dr. Cox would be sure to take the award for himself. But he didn't pride himself on his bedside manner.

"So, snowboarding…" JD paused as he shifted both feet to the floor. "Who's your favorite?"

Joshua's eyes perked up. People here were no longer questioning him. A slight smile showed on his face and to the untrained eye it might seem like he was excited to talk. Neither Joshua nor JD was blind though – they were both playing each other. JD may be familiar with this situation, but sadly so was Joshua.

"I don't really have a favorite." Joshua spoke, with just a hint of enthusiasm to his voice. "But recently while we were on vacation I got to meet Shaun White and it was probably the best moment of my life…"

JD wasn't really listening to Joshua continue. He could tell he wasn't going to get anywhere today. His eyes casually went back and forth between Joshua's moving lips, and his chart. Broken arm in 2 places, bruising on his face and ribs, and a few cuts on his back. Not to mention the previous injuries on file. Pondering internally about how to proceed, he looked back up at the young boy. Lips still moving, seemingly more animated than before. Whatever he was saying clearly had him very excited.

JD hated this. Sure he wanted to help people, but how do you help people who don't want help? Memories playing back to him of previous incidences, he knew he had to get out of there before he spoke to roughly at the kid. Potentially cutting any of the trust he'd just gained. Looking at his watch, he realized there was enough time in his shift to let the hospital staff know his assumption and he'd deal with everything else tomorrow. Standing up to shake the tiredness from his legs, he spoke up. Cutting off Joshua's tale of the best rides during the Shaun White vacation.

"Sorry Joshua, but I've just got to check in on another couple patients before I go home. The nurses will take great care of you while I'm not here. But I'll let you in on a little secret." JD lowered his voice and leaned in over Joshua's bed. "Because you're a kid, if you're nice to them, they'll bring you extra dessert."

JD watched as Joshua's eyes danced with excitement with the possibility of getting extra cake.

"I'll be back in the morning." He said as Joshua yawned. "Try to get some sleep while I'm gone."

Stepping away from the bed, he hung the kids chart up by the door. Dimming the lights, he forced his tired body to make its way to Kelso's office so he could let him know.

"Shouldn't you be clocked out Dr. Dorian?" JD turned around as he heard Kelso yell down the hall.

"I'm about to sir, but I needed to see you. I have a suspected child case. Room 221. I just wanted to let you know before I left."

Kelso's face dropped ever so slightly. No matter how many years he'd been there, it never made those cases any easier.

"Any admissions to anything?"

"I said suspected didn't I? So that answer would be no." JD replied with more attitude then was necessary.

Seeing Kelso's eyes narrow, he immediately regretted his choice words. "I'm sorry sir. I just meant no. The kid wouldn't tell me anything and I have yet to see the parents."

Kelso's eyes softened looking at JD with a bit of concern. He could tell the kid was having a hard night and against his usual nature, just decided to let it go.

"Go home and get some sleep Dorian". He started to walk away. "I'll let the night nurses know to keep an eye out. See you in the morning."

JD watched Kelso turned the corner and gave a loud sigh. Finally. The shift was over and he could go home. Forcing his body to take him to the locker room, his mind started to wander. Tilting his head to the side he imagined how much easier it would be if he could just float there. Instead of using the last bit of energy he had just to get dressed into his street clothes.

Not really paying attention, he slammed into Dr. Cox as they both tried to enter the locker room at the same time.

"Newbie I swear to god if you don't keep your hands off me I'm going to cut them off." Dr. Cox growled.

JD quickly backed away and let Dr. Cox in first, too tired to come up with any sort of remark. Just a couple more minutes and you'll be out that door.

Chapter Text

The ride back to his apartment was pretty uneventful. Sometimes he's surprised he can even ride his scooter 'Sasha' home when he's this tired. But nothing helps him to clear his mind more than the wind blowing across his face and the radio. Even in the winter. At least the roads were quiet, he could think without being bothered.

As he rode the elevator up to his floor in the building, his mind wondered back to Joshua. If only he'd just tell me the truth, then I could seriously help him. Maybe he just needs a friend. The motion of the doors opening broke him from his thoughts and he stepped out. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, his body taking out his key and walking towards the door automatically simply out of habit. JD smiled when he opened the door and Turk was awake to greet him.

"Vanilla Bear!" he yelled. Then realizing his mistake and not wanting to wake Carla, he lowered his voice. "How was your shift? Any hot new patients we can look forward to seeing around?"

JD laughed. "If you want to say 70 year old Mrs. Hunter is hot, then by all means. But I'm going to leave that to you."

Turk made a face that somehow displayed both intrigue and disgust at the same time. "Sounds like a rough night."

As JD grabbed the cereal and poured himself a bowl he replied "It wasn't terrible, but I'd so much rather get stuck on these long shifts with you and Carla instead of Doctor Cox." Pouring some milk into the bowl and eating a spoonful he continued. "How'd the two of you get the same day off any way?"

"I'm not sure, and I don't want to know." He started to say as he got up off the sofa. "But we both work earlier than you do in the morning so I'm going to shut this sexy body down for awhile."

"You know it!" Came JD's reply through another mouthful of cereal. He watched Turk make his way to the bedroom and before closing the door heard him say "Night JD".

As he finished his cereal he thought about how he could have told Turk the truth. That it was a pretty awful night, but he was tired. And even though Turk had stayed up to say hi, JD knew he was exhausted too. Getting up from the table he put his bowl in the sink. And even though Carla would be upset about it, he just didn't have the energy to wash it. Sleep was taking over and he only got as far as taking off his shirt before he flopped down on his bed and fell asleep. Door closed and jeans still on, it was a good thing he set his alarm before he left for work.

-----

It wasn't long before he felt awake again. Somehow he was at work, but he couldn't really remember how he'd gotten there. Rubbing his hands through his hair, he decided he would check on Joshua first. Making his way to the children's wing, he planned a conversation. A little more direct this time he thought. If the kid doesn't tell me now, he's only going to end up coming back here, unless they take him to a different hospital next time. Not entirely uncommon in situations like these. The parents don't want anyone getting too suspicious. So they move their kid around. Hoping hospital records will get lost in the process.

As he rounded the corner to Joshua's room, panic started setting in. He could see Joshua's parents in his room. They were hurting him. He knew it. He could hear Joshua screaming for someone to help him. Why is no one doing anything? He raced to his room, faster than he could ever remember running. The door was locked and as he pounded so hard on the glass, he looked around. Where is everybody? Where's Janitor when I need him? His eyes filled with tears as Joshua screamed in agony. JD's fists and shoulders started to ache as he struck the door harder and harder to no avail. His body and mind on the brink of a total meltdown, he looked through the glass one more time, and saw the kid in the bed wasn't Joshua at all. He was looking at a younger version of himself. JD stopping hitting the door and just stood in stunned silence. What the hell?

-----

JD woke up in a panic. His hair matted with sweat. The blankets he'd fallen asleep on top of were now rumpled all around him. His body filled with aches that simply told him he'd tensed up all his muscles while he was sleeping. Trying to get his breathing back under control, he thought about what just happened. It'd been years since he'd had a nightmare that aggressive. Not since he'd left home for med school. The clock showing it'd only been a few hours, he sighed roughly. Spending the next 4 hours laying in bed, listening to Turk and Carla get ready to go to work and leave, before he finally got up and showered. This was not the way he wanted to start his day.

-----

Grabbing a cup of sludge, otherwise known as what the nurses liked to call 'coffee', Dr. Cox took a sip. Scowling at the bitter taste of whatever this was supposed to be, this was not how he wanted to start his day. He'd been paged by his interns 3 times during the night, and probably made all 3 of them cry. It was like this place couldn't run without him. Grabbing his charts off the counter he turned around abruptly knocking some poor sap over in the process.

Dr. Cox glanced down to see JD, who was now laying in a heap on the floor in his way. Taking in the dark circles under his eyes and his hair not quite styled to its normal perfection, he spoke up. "Now Betty, I thought a girl like you would know it's not best to go out on a school night. That really isn't going to make the boys like you anymore. A girl like you clearly needs her beauty rest. And sleeping around with all the other boys in town just doesn't count."

JD sighed as he watched Dr. Cox walk away. Closing his eyes for just a moment, he opened them again to see Elliot standing over him.

"Oh my gosh, JD are you okay?" Bending down to help him pick up some of the charts he'd dropped in the process. "Did you sleep okay? You do look sort of awful." A look of concern in her eyes, she stood and lent a hand to help him up.

JD grabbed her hand and stood. "I'm fine Elliot. I just didn't sleep very well. I have a lot on my mind." Seeing her start to open her mouth. "No. It's not about a girl. And no. I don't really want to talk about it."

Elliot took in his short-tempered response. Even though she wanted to inquire more, she decided against it. Locking eye contact just for a moment before JD looked away she saw something in JD's eyes that said he was lying. She didn't want him to feel like he couldn't talk to her. We might not be together anymore, but I still care for him. "Alright, but I'm around if you need me." She replied as she walked away towards her patient's rooms.

Could today get any worse? It's barely even started. JD pulled all his charts into his arms and debated on whom he wanted to deal with first. Although he knew he should deal with Joshua first, he just couldn't get last night's dream out of his mind.

-----

It was at least a couple hours into his shift before he knocked on Joshua's door. Forcing Josh to break eye contact from his Gameboy. JD walked in, sitting down in the chair again.

"Did you get any sleep last night Josh?" JD could tell both their faces probably looked similar. Etched with the lines of tiredness that lack of sleep brought. He shifted slightly in his chair, not wanting anyone else to see the similarities. "I still haven't been able to find your parents around. Did they go home for a while? I'd like to talk to them about how long you'll be here for."

Joshua stopped playing his game and looked up at JD. A slight narrowing of his eyes evident as he prepared to take a defensive attitude. "I told you the truth. I was snowboarding. There isn't really a need to talk to them."

Now JD knew the kid was lying. Most 11 year olds were not up to playing games. They wanted their parents around. They'd cry and miss them when they weren't here. Joshua immediately took their side. Defending them from any obligation that they had to be here with him.

JD got back up and closed the door. Opting this time to take a seat on the side of the bed. As Joshua shuffled his legs over to give JD a bit more room to sit down.

"Josh. I know what you're trying to do here." He put his chart down on the chair so his hands would be free. "But you really have to tell me if they're hurting you. I can't do anything to help you, if you don't give me any sort of information." He looked directly at Joshua as he spoke next. "You and I both know you can't keep letting them do this to you. Don't you?"

Joshua didn't say anything. Letting his eye-line float from looking directing at JD down to the blankets, his fingers fiddling with the edges of the sheet.

JD sighed. The direct route wasn't really getting him anywhere either. "You know Josh." JD stood and paced to the end of the bed and back. Putting his hands in his scrub pockets, not really knowing what else to do with them. "A lot of kids sometimes have a hard time telling grown ups things. But I want you to know me, and everyone at this hospital, we're here to help you okay?" JD lifted the chart from the chair and sat back down. Josh wasn't looking at him anymore. Indirect approach and direct, clearly not working. Maybe an example approach will get better results?

-----

As Doctor Cox made his way down the hall, interns literally hiding and getting out the way before they were made an example of, he took a look around. Spotting JD through the glass window he paused. Both the kid and JD looked pretty terrible. He assumed the conversation wasn't going well purely based on both their faces. He thought he'd give them another minute before knocking and pulling JD out. He knew what JD was trying to do. He'd heard the gossip from other nurses about keeping an eye on this room. But sometimes you just have to give it more time. As much as he might like everyone to think he hated everyone, and he did. There was a piece of him that knew a good doctor when he saw one. JD was one. And he wasn't going to let him screw it up.

-----

"You see Josh." JD spoke from the chair. "I remember this kid, he was a bit older than you…."

JD was interrupted him a loud whistle coming from the doorway.

"Newbie. Come." Dr. Cox spoke.

JD grabbed his chart and gave Joshua's hair a little ruffle. "You just remember what I said okay? Let me know if you need anything."

Josh never looked up and just went back to his Gameboy. JD wanted to think what he said was working in, but he couldn't be sure. Placing his chart back by the door, he closed it on his way out. Dr. Cox basically pulling him by his shirt around the corner where the kid couldn't see.

Chapter Text

"What do you think you're doing?" JD spoke up. "I'm trying to help someone and you do what? Tear me out of there? How is that helping anyone?"

Dr. Cox gave JD a once over. Sure he'd seen the kid get worked up over patients who died. His attention to his patients was something Cox himself wasn't going to do, but at least someone did it. However, the kid seemed too worked up over the lies Joshua was telling. "Lets take a walk Cindy." Letting go of JD's shirt. "You hungry?"

JD stared at Dr. Cox stunned that he'd even ask to go for lunch. Cox had been JD's hero and mentor since he started here. He knew under that ego and cold attitude there was someone who cared about other people. And maybe he didn't want people to know that, but even if they thought he was a jerk, that had to give credit where credit was due. He was a damn good doctor.

Dr. Cox looked at JD sort of puzzled. Waving his hand in front of JD's face, he spoke up. "Seriously. You look like garbage. Come get a coffee." He started walking away knowing JD would follow.

-----

Once they were seated across from each other at a small table, which was somewhat secluded from the rest of the cafeteria, Dr. Cox spoke again. "So the kid is lying. We both know it. But we both know that unless he gives us something to go on, there's nothing we can do but to release him when his time is up."

JD rolled his eyes while taking a sip of his coffee.

"You know that right? No one likes situations like these. I knew what I was giving you when I gave you that chart. Maybe I should take it back. Maybe you're not ready to do this one alone yet."

As JD listened to Dr. Cox speak it was like he was taking on Joshua's defensive behavior. Slamming one of his palms on the tabletop he spoke in a voice that Dr. Cox practically had to strain to hear. "You're not taking him." Clearing his throat, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. "I can handle this and I can do it without your help. I've handled it before this, and I can certainly handle it again."

Dr. Cox leaned back in his chair and looked at JD confused. He couldn't remember giving him a case like this previously. JD didn't know it, but Dr. Cox looked over all of his cases and reports. Not because he didn't trust him, but because he wanted to make sure he was doing his best work.

Realizing what he had just said, JD stood from the table. Making direct eye contact with Cox he snapped. "Just stay out of it. I can manage this on my own. " He started to walk away, but without missing a beat turned around to say "And if I need your help, I'll ask for it."

Practically storming away, causing a little bit of a scene like the dramatic girl he was, JD was gone. Leaving Dr. Cox staring at an empty chair. Well, so much for that.

"Hey JD. Want to sit and…"

"I have to go. Sorry."

Carla watched him storm out of the cafeteria doors, throwing his coffee in the garbage on the way. Looking towards the direction from which he came from, she saw Dr. Cox who appeared to be thinking hard about something. Carrying her lunch tray, she headed for his table and sat down. Forking a piece of her salad, she started her motherly inquiry.

"What was that about" She asked while taking a mouthful of her lunch.

Dr. Cox hadn't truly seen her sit down. She was one of the only people in this joint he could stand. Not to mention, the only person at all who could hold her own against his narcissistic gruffness. She had a way with him; he'd give her that.

"Oh nothing. Pamela just didn't get asked to prom and is just devastated. She's of course upset that I wouldn't take her, but you know me, I'm more of a solo guy. Want to keep my options open."

Carla swallowed. "Don't give me that bull." Her fork stabbing the lettuce at random "I don't know what your problem with Bambi is, but it'd be great if you could just stop hurting his feelings. You know all he wants is your approval. Why can't you just play nice?"

Dr. Cox raised an eyebrow. He didn't need to tell Carla why he didn't play nice. She'd been here just as long as him. They'd dated in the past, years ago, and although he couldn't for the life of him see what she saw in Gandhi, he had to respect her decision.

He scratched his face; years of working in a stressful environment evident in his facial features. "He's taking room 221 to heart. You and I both know that without that kid telling the truth. There's nothing we can do. I know we're here to help people, but we can't help people who don't want it. That kid doesn't want it. End of story."

Carla didn't take another bite and just put her fork down. "I know and you know that you care about Bambi who just walked out those doors. I know you're trying to protect him from this, but he has to learn. We're not always on the winning side."

Finishing up his coffee, Dr. Cox stood. Caring. Do people think I'm doing this because I care about people? "I'm taking this one away from him. He's too young. He hasn't been doing this long enough. Someone else is going to have to talk to Joshua and I've been here longer. JD had his chances, and I'm not one for letting children slide through the cracks. Next time you see him, you let him know."

"No way. I'm not telling him. You want to start this with him. You deal with it. I'm not being the bad guy here." Carla's eyes started getting angry, her eyebrows narrowing forcing Dr. Cox to look directly at her. "He's sensitive sure, but you know he can do this. You can't protect him forever."

Dr. Cox growled at her, even though Carla wasn't afraid of him anymore. She wasn't like the rest of the staff who tried to stay out of his way. Aside from her and Newbie, who followed him around like a lost puppy, he'd pretty much managed to make sure that no one else spoke to him unless they had to. He had to get out of here before she kept talking about feelings. He'd walk himself right up to room 221 and take over. He didn't even have to tell JD first. He was higher in seniority, if he felt it was the right decision, there was nothing JD could do.

Crumpling his coffee cup he tossed it into the garbage a couple tables away. Sinking it in, a smile crept to his face. He still had it.

-----

As Dr. Cox got off the elevator all he could hear was yelling. Newbie? Turning the corner what he saw sort of shocked him. The normally happy JD was out right hollering at one of the afternoon nurses. He quickened his pace to a light jog, hoping he could stop JD from getting into any more trouble.

"What do you mean he isn't here anymore? I hadn't even had a chance to speak with his parents yet? They can't just take him without us knowing where they were going?" JD was breaking down. Desperately hoping there was a chance they hadn't left yet. "I need to know where they went. How long ago did they come take him? I wasn't even gone that long? Why did no one page me?"

The nurse was apologizing profusely. She hadn't realized the intensity of the situation. New people. There's always so many of them to keep track of. "I'm sorry Dr. Dorian. I didn't know. They signed him out. We told them it was against medical advice. Joshua hadn't even started his physio yet for his arm. There was nothing we could do."

Dr. Cox sucked in a breath. Against medical advice, that's never a good sign. Forcing himself to take control of the situation he grabbed JD by the shoulders and pushed him into a now empty room 221 closing the door behind him. Essentially dismissing the now crying nurse without actually speaking to her.

"Let go of me! I need to know how long ago they took him. I know if I just had a bit more time with him, he would've told me."

"Newbie sit." He pushed JD into the chair to sit down, while he sat on the bed. Why was he taking this so hard? Dr. Cox let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. Looking around the room you wouldn't have even known there was anyone in here. Everything had been cleared out, and was ready for someone new to take his or her place here. As unfortunate as it was, it wouldn't be long.

JD sniffled breaking Dr. Cox from his inward thought. Was he crying? "Newbie seriously, I told you this was one you were just going to have to let go." Pausing, hoping JD would look at him. When he didn't, he continued any way. "We see people come in and out of here all the time for this stuff. Sometimes you've just got to let it go."

"He'll have to come back to get his cast off. Maybe I can talk to him then?" JD replied. Obviously still thinking that he could save the situation. He started to stand up.

Dr. Cox pushed him back down. "Sit." Waiting this time for JD to look up at him, he continued. "You know they can get that done anywhere. We both know they don't have to come back here. And the odds of them coming here are less than Jessica Alba being my wife." Dr. Cox sighed. He wasn't one to ask questions. He didn't want to know anything about people's personal lives. Or problems. But once it starts to affect your work… "Now will you please take a break for a minute and just tell me what's going on that's got you so riled up about this?"

JD looked up. As much as he wanted to tell him what he was really thinking, it wasn't worth bringing up the past. He'd just have to let this go. Let it go he thought. Is it really that simple? Taking a breath, he was determined to manage some sort of response.

Dr. Cox watched, as JD was about to speak, when suddenly a phone ringing interrupted them. JD seemed surprised as he apologized. "I'm sorry, I thought I had remembered to put it in my locker this morning."

Flipping it open, he quizzically stared at the caller ID before accepting the call.

"Hi Dan."

Chapter Text

"Hi Dan."

"Hey little brother!"

JD opened his mouth to speak. Now wasn't exactly a good time.

"Listen, I hope I'm not catching you at a bad time…"

Bingo. He thought.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm in town…"

JD squinted his eyes. Trying to remember the last time he'd seen his brother. It'd been years. It might be nice to see him, especially right now, but it wasn't like his brother to just pop by. There has to be some sort of catch. He turned his head, as if forcing other thoughts to another part of his brain.

"I just thought it might be nice to finally see you. It's been a long time. I haven't really gotten a good chance to see you since you left for Med School. And that was before I knew about all the stuff with mom…"

JD quickly interrupted him. "Did someone die Dan? Is that why you want to see me? Is there something wrong with you?"

Dr. Cox glanced up. He would've told the kid to put the phone down already, but something about JD looked so disheveled. His movements weren't fluid and it was almost like his eyes were searching for answers that were supposed to come out of thin air. The tired bags under his eyes had only gotten worse since he'd bumped into him earlier in the shift. It might be best to just give him a minute. Let him cool down.

But hearing him ask if someone had died pulled him from his observation state. His ears strained and eyes stared calmly trying to gather information.

"No. No one died. Can't a guy just come to town to see his brother?"

No. Dan couldn't have just wanted to come see me. There has to be something more. JD stood and started slowly pacing the room.

"Dan. I know what you're trying to do here. I'm not a little kid anymore. You don't have to protect me." Not that he was ever very good at that in the first place. "Can you please just be honest with me and tell me what's up?"

He could hear Dan sigh through the phone. "I'm sorry JD."

"Sorry for what?" Pausing mid-stride. "What are you sorry for Dan?"

Dr. Cox stood. Maybe it'd be best to give him some time alone. Being there for people wasn't exactly a strong suit. In all honesty, it wasn't a trait he held at all. Being sensitive. Holding people's hands. It's hard enough having to deal with patients and their personal problems, not to mention the other people in his life. Deciding he wanted nothing more than to sidestep this whole, 'rub your back while I tell you it's going to be fine moment' he stood up from his position on the bed.

JD wasn't sure what impulse it was that made him take his next action. But once he saw Dr. Cox stand to leave, his body took 2 large steps towards him, took him by the shoulder, and pushed him back down. Between trying to listen to Dan's next words, and remembering the fact he had just yelled at that poor nurse. Did I make her cry? He stunned himself by the action, and before Dr. Cox could yell at him for touching him, he turned away. He didn't want to start yet another argument today.

Dr. Cox just stared at him. Not scowling. Not angered. Just stared. This wasn't right. Since when did he take orders from someone else? Not sure what it meant, he sat back down.

"JD. Listen. I meant to call you earlier but I had a hard time trying to figure out what I was going to do."

"Dan. Please. Just tell me." JD sat back down. Tears began to form in his eyes from all the scenarios playing in his head.

"Look. I came because I was trying to get here before Mom and…Duncan." Desperately trying to figure out how to phrase his next sentence. "Duncan sent mom on this guilt trip. Convinced her that she should see her son. I don't know what they're planning. And they don't know I came. They don't know I'm here. But JD…I couldn't let you face them alone. Not again."

JD pulled the phone from his ear, and looked up at Dr. Cox with a face that was filled with void of all emotion. Was Dan still talking? It didn't matter. He was done listening. With the remaining energy he could muster he lowered the phone to his lap and ended the call. Turning off his phone he put it back into his pocket.

"I'm going to go put this in my locker." JD stood and mindlessly left the room. He opened the door no more than necessary and closed it on his way out. Trying to create distance between himself and Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox stood. Tilting his head slightly to digest everything that just happened. What the hell?

-----

"JD. Buddy. Are you there?" Dan looked concerned. He stood in front of JD's apartment door, a large duffle bag lay by his feet. His hair was a mess and it looked like he'd just been running. It's not like he was in bad physical shape, but this situation was different. His mind was working overdrive. Whatever their plan was. Whatever reason they were traveling miles to see JD couldn't be good. JD had left for good reasons. He wasn't about to have him move even further away without a fight. And although he'd never really been there for him in the past, he could do it now. He had to.

He picked up his duffle bag and regretted packing so much of his stuff. But at the time he wasn't sure when he'd be heading back home. Taking the keys for the car he'd rented back out of his pocket, he headed out. Someone would be able to tell him how to get to Sacred Heart. It couldn't be that far. JD had to do the drive on his scooter. He'd already driven all this way to make sure JD was all right. What's another hour?

-----

Closing his locker JD sat down. What's wrong with me? Why can't you just let this go?

"Hey Pricilla." Dr. Cox let the door close behind him.

JD turned to face him without ever making eye contact.

"Go home. I think you're done for the day."

"My shift isn't over for another…" He looked at his watch. "5 hours."

"I said you're done. Go home. I don't need you here today making people cry." Why on earth did I say that? Carla's right. Why can't I just give him a break?

"I'm not leaving. I can do my job." JD stood. Hesitating about walking towards the door.

"Listen. You look like crap. You clearly have some personal issues going on that you need to take care of. And you basically lost a patient." Dr. Cox cleared his throat waiting for JD to look up at him. Once he got eye contact he continued. "I checked your charts. You don't have that many. Nothing the nimrod pathetic interns we have in this awful place can't handle. Go home."

"But Dr. Kelso…"

Dr. Cox rolled his eyes. "I'll deal with it. Just go home. I'll see you tomorrow." He turned around and walked out. There. I did him a favor, that's as nice as I can be.

On any other day, JD would've been ecstatic that Dr. Cox was finally a treating him like a friend. That he was actually giving him what appeared to be some sort of respect? Tears came to his eyes. Not now JD. Just go home before they change their minds. Throwing on his regular t-shirt, and not even bothering to change out of his remaining scrubs. He packed everything into his backpack, and quickly took off.

-----

He'd gotten directions. He'd gotten to Sacred Heart. Now he just needed to get out of the car. What if I bump into him? He shook his head. That was stupid. You're here to see him. Just get out of the car. A heavy sigh with his hands on the steering wheel, mind gathering courage, he opened the door and took his first steps out. First stop, finding Chris. He'd look for JD after. He just couldn't face him yet.

-----

Turk leaned over the nurse's station "Gimmie some sugar woman." Giving Carla a kiss.

"Now Turk. I love you. But if you refer to me as your woman one more time."

"You'll feed me to the wolves. I know." Leaning back to his side of the counter getting back is field of vision behind her. He spotted someone he hadn't seen in a long time.

"Dan?"

"Chris! Just the person I was trying to find."

"What are you doing here? Does JD know you're in town?"

"Yeah. He knows I'm here. I'm looking for him." Dan looked around to see if JD was nearby. "Listen. Could I maybe borrow your keys? I wanted to wait for him inside the apartment. It's a little awkward waiting in your hallway."

"Yeah. Of course! I'll just have to get them from my locker." Turk started to walk away. "Here for any special occasion?"

Carla watched them walk away with an eye of suspicion. She jumped up as someone touched her shoulder.

"Dr. Cox. Can I help you?"

He didn't look at her and kept watching Turk walk away with someone. Based on the hair and eye color he could only imagine that it was the elusive Dan. Though he'd never met him he couldn't count the number of times JD had mentioned him from past stories. "Who's the skinny girl walking away with your boyfriend?"

"I think you know who that is." Her eyes followed her husband down the hall. "The question is, why is he here?" She turned to face Dr. Cox. "Where is JD any way? He normally follows you around like a lost stray."

"I sent him home. He shouldn't be here today."

-----

"Hey Dan. Did you hear me? Are you here for any special occasion?"

"Umm, well. No. Not really." Dan shifted his eyes to another part of the hallway. Did JD tell anyone here?

Chapter Text

How do I say this without disappointing JD? Dan thought.

Turk eyed Dan as he held the door open for him to go in first. Not a lot of words had been said as they walked down the hall towards the locker room. He was starting to get worried. If JD knew Dan was coming, wouldn't he have told me? Turk let the door close behind him with a loud thump. He wasn't about to let bad things happen to JD alone.

Turk walked to his locker and started entering the combination. Opening his mouth to say something, he paused, and then closed it again. He was sure his face displayed both obvious confusion and shock. He tried to remember how long it'd been since he'd seen Dan. Had he been there for their graduation from Med School? Sure he'd seen him in pictures. There was that one specific one of JD, Dan, and their dad that JD currently had hanging in his room. But they were kids. Opening his locker he grabbed his keys out of his backpack and held them in his hand.

"I'm going to ask you again Dan. Why are you here?" Turk really just needed to know. He needed to know what JD was walking into. What he was going to see when he got home to the apartment. He looked straight at Dan and waited for his answer.

Dan looked at Turk with what he hoped looked like a pleading face. He didn't want to have to tell Turk. He didn't want to be the one to tell JD's friends these things. "I just...Can't a guy drive 3 states over and just to stop by and say hello?"

Turk looked at Dan suspiciously. The guy truly looked pathetic. He looked tired and just a mess. He looked about as bad as JD did the last couple days. Maybe there was something going on he didn't know about. Maybe it was best JD had his family around. God knows he didn't see them very often.

"Fine." He handed the keys over to Dan. "But Dan. If you need my help with anything, call me. Okay?"

Dan grabbed the keys. "Sure thing Chris." He turned around quickly to head out the door and back to the apartment. As he opened the door he turned to Turk and saw him packing everything back into his locker. "If you see JD around here, have him call me okay? I wanted to look for him first, but I think it's best I talk to him at home." And with that, he left Sacred Heart. The last thing he wanted right now was to bump into JD here.

-----

JD walked into his apartment and threw his stuff by the front door. He barely got his shoes off in time before he practically collapsed onto the couch and closed his eyes. Stop doing this to yourself. He shook his head. It's been a long time. They don't even know where you live, or work! How would they even find you?

Turk stepped out into the hall only to find Carla standing by the doorway, strangely with Dr. Cox in tow behind her. "Have either of you seen JD?" He asked.

"Dr. Cox sent him home a little awhile ago." Quickly trying to come up with some sort of excuse. "He wasn't feeling well." Carla took his hand into hers. "You want to tell me why JD's brother drove all this way?"

Turk looked at Carla, and then looked at Dr. Cox. He felt weird talking about personal things with him nearby. He hates JD, and everyone. Why is he even here? "Dan didn't want to tell me. He's going to meet JD at the apartment." Turk grabbed his pager as it beeped. "That's all I know." He read the message. "I got to go." He kissed Carla goodbye and eyed Dr. Cox suspiciously as he took off down the hall.

-----

He thought his eyes had only been closed a minute but in his distress from the last couple days he must've worn himself out. JD woke up when he heard keys jingling through the doorway. He looked at his watch. Turk can't be home yet. Maybe Carla? He looked over the top of the couch towards the door, and blew out a breath he didn't even know he was holding when he saw a duffel bag and Dan walk through the door.

Dan looked up and saw JD. He does look like crap. "Listen. JD. I know you don't exactly want to see me right now, but…"

"It's never been you I didn't want to see." JD muttered as a reply.

"What was that?" Dan asked politely. Although he'd heard what JD had said, he just wanted to be sure.

"Nothing." He got up off the couch. "Let me help you with your bag. You can stay in my room if you want." JD picked up his bag off the floor. As heavy as it was he could tell Dan was going to be here awhile.

"You know why I'm here little brother, can't we just talk about this?"

JD threw the bag into his room and closed the door. "No. We can't." He headed for the bathroom. He didn't care if it was childish; he was in no mood for confrontation.

"Seriously! This is how you're going to handle this?" Dan sat down on the floor in front of the bathroom door. "I have no where to be. I took time off work to do this for you. I can wait you out." Dan pushed his legs out, pushing the soles of his feet into the carpet.

-----

JD turned the taps on and splashed some water onto his face. Maybe if I use enough cold water, it'll take some of this tiredness away. He looked up into the mirror. The face staring back at him looked tired. Distressed. Nothing like his usual self. He looked a couple years older than he actually was.

Turning around to the towel rack he dried off his face and hands. How could this possibly be happening? I've turned everything around. I'm a different person now. I'm not going back to this again. A look of cold hard determination crossed his face. Refusal to return back to his old life.

Opening the bathroom door he nearly tripped over a sitting Dan. "I need to take a walk Dan! I can't deal with this right now." He shoved his shoes onto his feet. "I need to think." He opened the front door. "Just. Give me some space alright!"

Dan watched his brother leave. He saw the door slam behind him. He couldn't let him leave like this. He couldn't let JD be alone right now. He'd left him alone so many times before. The guilt he carried everyday, even though JD didn't know, was basically killing him inside. He's still your little brother. Dan took a large sigh and let everything out. On the brink of a total breakdown, he couldn't just stand there and wait for JD to get back. He had to follow him. Grabbing Turk's keys and the rental keys, he wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands. Trying to keep any sort of emotions at bay, as he once again headed back to the car.

-----

JD tore down the street. He was basically running. He could've taken his scooter but in his hasty exit he didn't bring anything. No keys. No wallet. Not even his phone. But what was he running from? He didn't even know anymore. Dan's your brother. He didn't do any of those things to you. He didn't make you move. He didn't force you out of his life. He's trying to protect you. So why are you pushing him away? JD stopped running and returned to a slow walk. He's trying to protect you. JD repeated it again and again until he got things under control. Stop treating him like he's part of the problem. He isn't. He stopped walking and sat down on what appeared to be a rather old bus stop bench. He looked around. He'd clearly run pretty fast as he was already a few blocks away. Maybe I should head back? Then a thought occurred to him and he started to panic. I'm out in the open here. They might not know where I live, but they know what I look like. JD stood up eager to hide inside somewhere. I have to get out of here. Then out of the corner of his eye he saw a car he didn't recognize pull up beside him. He didn't even look to see who it was and just started walking away. Pulling up his hood to keep his face hidden he walked in the opposite direction and darted down a side street.

-----

What is he doing? Dan put the car in park. He had a small shot of finding him, but he'd done it. He may not be familiar with the area, but he certainly knew while looking at streets which ones would be the most likely that JD would head down. His brother had a certain charm about him that most people wouldn't get right away. But Dan understood him. He quickly jumped out of the car and followed him down the side street. Wrapping his arms around his little brother he forced him to turn around and look at him.

JD couldn't breathe. Who's grabbing me? Is it them? Did they find me? "Get off of me!" He thrashed his arms around to no avail. "Please. Just go away". He said between hysterical sobs. "Just don't hurt me."

He was in full-blown panic mode now. Unable to take any breaths at all he started to get scared. Finally forcing his eyes to look up at his attacker, he realized they weren't attacking him at all. It was Dan.

"JD. JD! It's just me! Can you hear me? It's just me." Dan yelled desperately for JD to stop fighting back. He was fighting back harder than some of the drunks he'd had to deal with at the bar. "JD please just look at me! Please. " Finally seeing that JD was looking at him, he relaxed a little. But then something else seized him. A gut wrenching feeling that something was wrong. He watched JD become paler only to wheeze in and out. "JD! Calm down. Just…just sit down." He lowered both of them to the ground. JD sitting on the ground leaning on the wall of a building while Dan knelt in front of him. "Just breathe. In and out." He watched as JD started to breathe a little easier. "That's it. In and out."

Unsure of what else to really say, he spent the next couple minutes just sitting with him against the building. He didn't care that everyone who walked by was giving them strange looks. Can't two men just sit down on the sidewalk? God. What's wrong with people? Dan looked back at JD again and noticed he'd gotten some of his color back. It still didn't really look like he was focusing on anything, but maybe he'd be able to get him back to the car.

"Think you can make it to the car little brother?"

JD looked up. Almost startled from his thoughts. "What did you say?"

"The car. Think you can make it to the car?" Dan raised an eyebrow. Concerned he was rushing him. Maybe JD wasn't ready to go back. Maybe he needed another minute.

"Yeah." He paused. "Yeah. I'm good." He started to stand, but had to dizzily put a hand against the building.

Afraid JD would fall, Dan quickly stood up. "Come on." He put one hand on the small of JD's back. Watching him flinch away at first wasn't entirely unexpected, but Dan hesitated when he tried to do it a second time. Gently leading him to the car.

Dan opened the passenger side door and set JD inside. The kid looked so out of it Dan thought it'd be best if he just did his seat belt up for him. He watched as JD closed his eyes and sucked in a breath once Dan got closer. Pulling the belt across and hearing it click closed. Is it really this bad all the time? Dan sighed and shut the door walking around the front of his car to the driver's side. He got in and turned on the car. Turning off the radio thinking the quiet ride might be best, he pulled away from the curb.

"Do you think they'll know how to find me Dan?"

Dan seemed almost thrown back at the question. "I'm sorry?" He glanced over at JD.

"Do you think they'll know where I am?" JD turned to look out the window. He didn't want Dan to see him crying. "I really don't want to see them Dan. I can't do it." He intertwined his fingers in his lap. "I just don't want to see them anymore. I left them behind a long time ago." He sucked in a deep breath. "Thanks for coming Dan. For helping me." He exhaled. "I know it's not easy being on both sides."

Dan had to strain to hear everything JD just said. His brain working overdrive to make sure he said the right things. "JD." He turned to face him and spoke. "The last thing I want is for someone to hurt you." Both of them completely unaware of the Ford truck, heading directly through the red light several yards ahead.

Chapter Text

There wasn't any time for either of them to see what was happening. There wasn't any time for Dan to stop, or try and get out of the way. There wasn't any time for JD to say he was sorry. Or for Dan to apologize for not coming to ever see him sooner. Nor was there time for either one of them to apologize for not being the better man they knew they could be. There was only enough time for Dan to see the truck coming at them, full speed, right into the passenger side of the car. There was just enough time for him to try one last time to protect his little brother. Putting his arm in front of JD to try and keep him in the seat. His body started acting before his mind. His brain knowing that this little effort, this small gesture, wasn't going to help him. And in fact, was going against all efforts to protect himself. His eyes seeing that last look JD had on his face of pure fear. The one he had tried to forget.

There was just enough time for the car to be slammed into, crushing bits of metal from outside to inside. A small enough time for the windshield to buckle and then start dropping pieces of it into their laps. The roof started coming in on them. They were hit so hard the car had rolled twice on its way to the wrong side on the road, in the wrong part of the intersection. Finally coming to a stop as it lay in a turning lane.

Pedestrians started pulling out their cellphones. Calling 911. Some started writing down license plate numbers. Drivers stopped their cars. Some unable to get out, in shock of what they just witnessed. Wreckage was everywhere. Bumper pieces, glass, and shreds of the car lay about in the road like the Jaws of Life had ripped it apart. Some sort of crash test happened here. All this couldn't be the carnage from simply one little car.

JD having been knocked unconscious before the rollover lay broken upside down in his seat. Head lolled to one side. Dan wasn't out until the 2nd time they rolled. Watching the way the ground moved so quickly in those few seconds, it's no wonder his body chose to pass out. Pain searing him from every direction, the last thing he took in was seeing JD. Please help him. Whatever you do. Please help him. His eyes closed and his body's recovery system took over.

-----

Ambulances arrived and pagers went off, nurses and doctors started bringing in patients from the recent crash. It made the news in the break room faster than the ambulance could get them here. It's a shame it has to happen like that; news teams get there before we do. Dr. Cox thought as he shook his head. Jogging along side his patient's gurney he hadn't even bothered to look down. Had he, he may not have been so confident about his next choices. Stop the bleeding. Check for internal damage to his head and chest. Surgery. Nurses were trying to both stop the bleeding, and clean him up at the same time, but once they got him through those doors, it was the scalpel jocks jobs to take it from there. He'd be his again once they pushed him back through the other way.

"Did we ID him yet?" A nurse behind him asked.

"No idea." He turned around. "I've got other things to check in on. Page me when he gets pushed back through on our end." Dr. Cox walked down the hallway in the opposite direction. I wonder who the other idiot is that came in with this guy? Maybe we can get some identification that way. Or at least a name for the insurance card.

-----

"Carla, have you heard from JD at all?" Turk looked around. Todd had taken the surgery that had just come in. Right now he was anxious to find something to do. But the problem with Dan and JD was still wearing him down. "I've been trying to reach him since Dan left – but I think he turned off his phone. It goes straight to voicemail."

"Well, maybe he didn't want to be bothered."

"But baby. He tells me everything. Vanilla bear likes getting bothered by me."

Carla rolled her eyes. "I don't know Turk." She moved from behind the counter filing charts into their designated folders. "I have a hard enough time keeping track of one of you." She kissed him on the cheek before walking. "I have some things to check in on." Her voice getting further and further away. "Let me know if you hear from him."

-----

About an hour later he received a page. The 2nd victim was waking up, the first not having come out of surgery yet. Casually running, but not wanting to seem like he actually cared, Dr. Cox slowed down just before the door, he strolled his cocky self into the room. "Well what do we have…here?" His face sunk. He knew who this was. He'd seen this guy earlier today. "You're." Pausing at his chart just to make sure he was right. But his gut knew he wasn't wrong. "You're Newbie's brother." Reading the chart his suspicions were confirmed. Daniel Dorian. Could this really be happening? Dr. Cox stood towering over Dan. "Dan is it?"

Dan looked up. Barely registering anything that the man was saying. Between the pain and the drugs they were giving him for it, everything was still sort of a blur.

"For the love of God Dan, please tell me JD was not in that car." Although Dr. Cox knew any answer at this point wasn't going to make sense. They had him so hopped up on painkillers that he probably didn't even know he was laying down.

It was at that very moment that Carla walked in having seen his monitor from the nurse's station. If she could figure out who this guy was, perhaps they could find out who the second guy was. Then she heard it. The one question she knew she would never be able to forget.

"Dr. Cox?" she stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes started filling with tears.

Dr. Cox blew by her so fast she didn't even get any answers. Hesitantly stepping further towards the bed, she saw it. Even with his hair matted and his eyes closed. Face covered with cuts from the windshield, stitches in his forehead. Carla knew who that was. The face shape, the eye movement and body structure. Undeniably a Dorian, no matter how much alike the two of them were not.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she watched Dan fall back asleep. She knew where she should go. She knew she should let Turk and Elliot know what happened. Hell, she should be moving to tell everyone in this place. But she needed to let herself have this moment. Taking 2 more steps towards Dan's bedside, she took his hand in hers. Rubbing her fingers slowly on the inside of his palm. She saw the motion soothe him through his facial movements. It wouldn't be too much longer before he woke up and was going to be able to tell them what happened.

-----

"We need to call Dan's emergency contact." Carla told Turk as they sat down near the surgery waiting room. There hadn't been any more news on JD other than that it didn't look very good. They were going to put him in medical induced coma once he was out to let him body recover without the trauma and pain. Broken bones, his neck was going to be put in a brace, splints on his right arm until they could fix the shattered bones in his fingers and wrist. His back would be braced until he woke up to prevent any nerve damage from him moving around. His brain seemed to look okay but they wouldn't know for certain until they finished with the scans. The only good news being his heart was strong, and that's what really counted to a doctor.

"I don't exactly know who that is Carla." Turk snapped. He lifted his head out of his hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that."

Carla stood up. "I know baby. I know it's JD, and it's his brother. But you've got to let us do our job and notify the people who can help them." She put out her hand as if to say it was time to get up and take a walk. "We're not going to get any more information than what we already have waiting around here. So can we please just get this over with?"

Turk stood up and took her hand. "I'll make the call." He checked over his shoulder as if he had x-ray vision and could see through the wall into the surgery room. "It's the least I can do since they won't let me in there instead."

-----

Dr. Cox sat in the lounge. The television was on but he wasn't really listening. Blood loss, possible brain damage, back brace, months of physical therapy. He went over the list again and again like it was a bad nightmare. Only it wasn't. Sure he hated people, but he didn't really hate Newbie. Hate was a strong word for their relationship. He couldn't lie to himself. It made his ego even bigger knowing someone looked up to him as much as JD did. But he wasn't really a "being there" sort of guy. I never did get to the bottom of what was bothering him this morning. He leaned back into the sofa. He was sure word was getting around the hospital in regards to the accident. He also knew that anyone who wanted to live would leave him alone in here. They were told to page him when JD got out of surgery or if Dan woke up enough to know what was going on – that was all he wanted to know.

Sighing as if he couldn't get enough oxygen in and out of his lungs, he looked up towards the ceiling. I'm not a religious guy; we're not going to start now. We both know I think its bologna any way. But if you have any plans for that kid, you better start making them known right now. He chuckled at the thought of his sister Paige seeing him now. She was such a religious nut ball; she'd probably just love this sensitive new leaf. Closing his eyes for just a moment and it couldn't have been more than a second, he heard his pager beep. Almost afraid to look, it took him a couple moments before he could make his eyes even read what it said.

Dan's awake.

Chapter Text

Dan's awake.

That was all Dr. Cox needed to read. Hopefully he'd be awake enough to answer a few questions. He didn't need to know everything, just enough to know how to handle the situation. Stuffing his pager back into his pocket he made his was towards Dan's room. Hoping Carla and Turk didn't get the message, he wanted to try and do this alone first.

-----

Dan groggily tried to open his eyes. It was almost difficult, like his body was forcing them shut. He was so tired, and felt like he wasn't going to be getting out of bed today. His brain felt fuzzy, like after a night of too much drinking. He tried opening his eyes again; this time finally able to blink them open just enough to see this wasn't his room. "What?" Was that my voice? Why's it sound all slow and raspy like that? He moved his fingers slightly, toes too. Trying to get the heavy feeling to go away. It wasn't really working. He opened his eyes a bit wider, squinting because of the overhead lights. This isn't my room? Where am I? Lifting his arm to touch his face, he notices an IV in his hand. He hears the soft beeping of a heart monitor speed up as he grasps where he is. Trying to sit up to see farther, he's slowed down by the severe pains in his chest. Gasping for air, his eyes filling with tears from the pain, he can't help but panic.

Dr. Cox opens the door and immediately turns into doctor mode. Gently pushing Dan back down into a laying position, he continues to talk to him. "Dan, it's okay. You're fine." He says using a soothing tone. He couldn't help but think he probably wouldn't have been this nice had it not been Newbie's brother. He can see the panic in Dan's eyes. "Dan. Slow down. Take a breath with me okay? You'll be fine. Just breathe in…and out." He can see Dan's eyes start to come back from a distant world, finally taking in everything that's just happened. He removes his hands from Dan's shoulders once he's sure he's not going to try and get up again.

"Dr. Cox?"

"Dan."

Dan takes another breath. He can feel the oxygen coming in through his nostrils. Taking another look around he takes in the white walls. The white sheets and the hospital gown he's covered in. His right arm's in a green cast and his left hand feels itchy from the IV tape. Taking another deep breath, and then releasing it, he turns his head to face back to Dr. Cox. "What happened?"

"I was hoping to ask you the same thing there big boy?" Dr. Cox pulls the empty chair up to the side of the bed. He pulls Dan's chart from the wall and takes a seat. He flips it open re-reading everything that they had to do. Nothing too serious, it's all pretty superficial stuff. Satisfied there wouldn't be any complications with any of it, he folds it back closed. "Good news is you're fine. A little bit dinged up around the edges. Some bruised ribs, broken wrist, and cuts that you'll have to keep clean, but you'll be fine Dan."

He searched his brain for clues that any of those things even happened. "I don't…" Pausing as if his memory will serve him any second now. "I don't remember." Flicking his thumb against the cast, Dan squinted his eyes again. This time to try and remember as if that'll focus his memories and make it all less fuzzy. "What happened?"

Dr. Cox looked at him. This is what he wanted to be alone for. Better get it done now before someone else comes in. He wasn't sure he'd be able to do this with Turk or Carla around, but Dan needed to know. He was the emergency family member on JD's information after all. If Dan was awake enough to be making decisions for him, he's who would have to make the calls. Leaving your life in the hands of a bartender their Newbie? He had to hold back an eye roll at his own thoughts. Now was not the time.

"Listen." He rubbed his hand through his hair and down the side of his face. "There was an accident…" Leaning forwards he put his wrists on the side of the bed and looked square at Dan. "JD was with you." Swallowing any emotions he had about the situation. "He's in pretty bad shape Dan. His heart's beating strong, but everything else, he's…I mean…it's going to take some time before we know everything." Dr. Cox couldn't believe he was having such a hard time with this. He told people this all the time. He'd worked as a doctor for years. Why is telling someone else such a problem?

Dan started shaking his head no as soon as he heard JD's name. "No. That's not true." He turned away still shaking his head. Suddenly he stopped and just paused. It was as if the entire world stood still. Do you think they'll find me? As the last 5minutes of his life returned to him at super speed, he remembered the accident. His breathing hitches, and he thinks he might throw up. His stomach was immediately threatening to lose all of its contents.

Cox doesn't miss a beat and grabs the basin next to the bed holding it to the side. Gently turning Dan onto his side so he doesn't choke, he watches as Dan loses his lunch. "Please tell me he'll be okay." He hears Dan plead between shallow breaths. "Please take care of him for me."

Dan can feel himself becoming shaky. It's getting hard to breath and see. The pains in his chest only hurting more and more each time he throws up. By now it's just the motion as there's nothing else to come up. "Please." He closes his eyes. This is taking so much energy. Must stay awake. "Can I see him?" he asks as he lay's back down on his back. "I just need to know he's going to be okay?"

He was never one for these touchy feely moments. Something about this was always so difficult for him. And Dan he barely knew. But maybe that's what made it easier. There was no reputation to uphold. If Dan was anything like JD, he'd be awaiting the physical contact, something to say someone cared about you, that you weren't by yourself. Holding the basin only with his left hand, and after a slight hesitation, he placed his other hand on Dan's back, giving it a light couple pats. That was really the best he could do. Hugs just were not in his nature.

"It was the one thing I promised him!" Pausing to take a shallow breath "In the car. You have to let me see him. I told him I'd be there this time. That we'd make it work out! We'd get through this together. I've already left him alone too long!" His arms were becoming more animated.

Dan's eyes were becoming less focused and darting all over the room. "It's not my fault you know! There was another car. He ran the light. I didn't have time. I stuck my arm out. I tried. It's never enough. I told him while we were in the car. This time was going to be different! I was going to help him this time!"

Dr. Cox thought he might need to deliver a sedative by the way the kids breathing is going and by the way he's thrashing his arms around. He couldn't make sense of what Dan was going on about. "Dan. I need to you calm down or I'm going to give you more drugs that'll make you sleep." He sees Dan look up; he's never seen someone look more pleading in his life. "If you can just stop and calm down, I won't order it."

Dan's ears felt like they were filled with cotton. He doesn't know exactly what Dr. Cox was saying, but by the look on his face he knew he meant business. He tried his best to calm down. JD's okay, he told you. His heart is strong. Dr. Cox just said so. He wouldn't tell you if there was something more. He wouldn't lie to you. Slowing down his breathing he looked up. The sounds of the room were coming back to him now, reality of the situation settling in.

Dr. Cox put the basin back beside the bed. He'd have a nurse clean that later. "I'm going to go visit your brother alright?" He paused. "I can't take you there the way you are, don't even ask." He put Dan's folder back on the wall. "I'll be back in a little bit with an update okay?" He opened his mouth as if to say something and then closed it again. There's really nothing to say. "I promise you I'll do everything I can to help Sally." Don't think about it Perry, stop thinking of the worst possibilities. "I'm sure Carla and Gandhi will be in shortly. I think they were making a few calls for you."

Dan nods his head slowly. Hoping that was enough for Dr. Cox to know that it was okay. Tears making their way down the corners of his eyes he grabs the edges of the blanket and pulls them up to his chin. Using his casted hand to try and wipe his eyes. He couldn't help but let out a loud sob. The next words out of his mouth were more meant for only him to hear. "He'll be okay right?" he mumbled. Trying to reassure his mind.

I hope so. "He'll be fine Dan. We'll work it out." Dr. Cox replied as he exited the room. He'll be just fine. And even as he said it, he couldn't tell if he was saying it to please Dan, or himself. He paused before he closed the door. "I don't know what you promised him, but I'll do it all myself okay?" Eyeing up Dan for confirmation that he heard him. "I'll take care of him."

Closing the door behind him, his legs nearly gave out. Leaning against the wall momentarily, he wondered how much harder it would've been had Dan not remembered anything at all. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This was honestly one of the worst days he could recall in his career. Trauma was different when it was a third party, someone you didn't personally know. This was too hard. He opened his eyes and stiffened his body. If he was going to do this, he needed to push it aside. Make room for the ego and get rid of the emotions. He straightened his body out and growled. Pushing forward away from the wall, he rounded the corner nearly plowing someone right over.

-----

"Where's my baby?" A frantic woman called from the entrance way. She continued running towards the front desk with a large man in tow behind her. "I was told he was here. Someone called me and told me he was here."

"Can I get the patients name please?" the nurse asked.

"Dorian. Danial Dorian." She hurriedly spoke.

"Room 130. If you wait a moment I can get someone to take you there."

"No. No. I'll find it myself." She yelled as she spotted the elevators.

-----

She finally found the right direction. Having to frantically ask 2 people on her way. All she wanted to do was see her son. Practically sprinting down the hall she quickly rounded a corner. Completely running head first into someone as they walked through the other way.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She said as she quickly regained her balance and huffed towards Dan's room. He hair was a mess like he hadn't brushed it all day, and you could see where the eyeliner was running down her face.

Who on earth? Dr. Cox quizzically turned to see who would be running into Dan's room. Someone he'd never seen before, but then again Dan didn't live close by, and he'd never really seen him until today either. Curiosity was getting the best of him though, and before turning to travel towards JD he backtracked for the door to try and get a better listen.

-----

Barbara burst through the door like she was saving a human baby from a lion. She had nothing but relief in her eyes when she could see that Dan was awake and okay. Able to walk a little slower now she crept into the room. She didn't want to wake him if he was sleeping.

Dan sensed someone was here. Slowly opening his eyes. "Dr. Cox, please tell me you're not here with bad news." He turned towards the breathing body while a look of complete shock and anger quickly crossed his face. "Mom?!"

Chapter Text

Dan had just started to close his eyes when he heard the door open. Assuming it would be Chris or Carla he looked up. Immediately his face shifted from pleasant to fearful. "Mom! What are you doing here?"

Barbara rushed over to her son's bedside. Frantically trying to get all of her words out at once. "The hospital called. They said you were in some sort of accident." Running her fingers through his hair, being mindful of all the scrapes. "We weren't that far away so we rushed the rest of the way here." Tears were threatening to fall. "I'm so glad you're okay." Finally seeing him with her own eyes she could take a breath.

Dan looked around at both his mom and her husband. It wasn't that he wasn't thankful to see her; he knew how worried she must've been. But all he could think about at this very moment was JD. Somehow he hadn't even thought about how easy this would make it for them to see him. Turning back to his mom, he could feel his heart rate speeding up. Hearing the pulse monitors race with the thumping in his chest. "Mom." He bit his lip, a nervous habit he hadn't been able to break since he was a kid. "I need you to leave." And even has he said those words; he could feel his mother's heart breaking.

-----

Dr. Cox was still staring at Dan's door. The hell was that? His eyes narrowed at the door as it closed behind the frantic woman. Straining his ears he could hear Dan's pulse monitor speeding up. Growling he turned back towards Dan's hospital room and pushed all emotional thoughts of JD aside.

-----

There was excessive force as he pushed open the door. "Who the hell are you?" He asked aggressively at the woman staring at her as though he could burn her with his eyes. "Never mind. I don't care who you are. You need to get out."

Barbara stared at him, tears coming down her cheeks. "What kind of thing is that to say to someone?" She asked, her breath hitching at the end of her sentence to stop herself from sobbing.

Dr. Cox's eyes went between this woman, and what he assumed was probably her husband by the way he stepped in front of her. Looking down at Dan he could tell he was having a hard time, and at that moment he chose to ignore the other people in the room. He fiddled with his pain medicine IV and wrote it down on his chart. "This will make you sleep Dan. I really need you to get some rest. You're going to need to be in good shape once he gets out of surgery." Not knowing who these people were, he tried to be as vague as possible.

"No. Please." Dan paused to catch his breath. His chest was on fire. His eyelids were heavy. He wanted nothing more to help his brother. He tried to push Dr. Cox's hands aside. The slow motion gave Dr. Cox very little resistance.

"I'm serious Dan. I'll prescribe a sedative. You can't stay awake. You're just going to hurt yourself." He moved up closer to the edge of the bed, opposite the other people. Strangely out of character for him, if this wasn't for Newbie's sake, he couldn't help but feel he wouldn't be this nice to the guy and would've ordered the sedative before he left the first time.

"No." Dan paused to take a shallow breath. "You don't understand…" It was taking all of him to stay awake. The pain was beginning to fade, but then again he could feel his entire body fading too.

His mom whispered quietly. "Daniel please just let the doctor do his job." She brushed his hair off his forehead. "Just rest."

"Please stop that mom." He shook his head. Not a lot, but enough that she removed her hand. "You need to leave." He forced his eyes open when they started falling. "You can't be here when he wakes up." He couldn't get them open anymore "You need to go home."

Dr. Cox watched tried not to look shocked. Mom? This was their mom? He walked towards the door. Opening it wide, he turned to the other people "Everybody out."

Barbara stared at him. "You can't be serious? He's hurt! I need to stay here with him…"

Dr. Cox whistled. "I don't care what you want, he needs to sleep. He also said he didn't want to see you, but we'll deal with that later. Right now, everybody out!"

They could both tell he wasn't fooling around. Barbara carefully kissed Dan atop his head, and made her way out of the room; her husband close behind her.

Dr. Cox closed the door behind them all and they proceeded into the hallway. "So, you're his mother?" Eying her up closely. "And who's this?" Gesturing to the man at her side.

Barbara was startled. She'd never seen a doctor with such poor people skills. "This is Duncan. My husband." She paused, breaking eye contact with Dr. Cox to look back through the window on Dan's door. After a moment of silence she spoke again. "When he said I couldn't be here when he woke up, who did he mean?"

He wasn't sure how he wanted to answer this. Dan didn't seem to want them there. His body language spoke a great deal. Not to mention, and now that he thought harder about it, he'd not in his entire time with story-telling-loving Newbie, ever once heard him speak about his mother. She wasn't his emergency contact. His gut was trying to tell him something. Dr. Cox rubbed the back of his neck trying to figure out what to say. He was always a man of few words, but he always knew what those few words were going to be. How do you tell someone they have no right to know about their son? Following Dan's mom's eyes into Dan's room, he could tell the kid was distressed even in his sleep. His brow was furrowed as if thinking really hard about something, body pulled into itself. It was then he made a professional decision not to tell them. "The kids huffed up on pain killers, I wouldn't read into what he says too much." And with that, he walks away. Leaving their mom and Duncan inside the hallway.

-----

JD had finally come out of surgery. Turk was sitting back, waiting for them to situate him in a room before he could go see him. There were so many thoughts racing through his head he couldn't focus on just one. A piece of him was missing as long as JD was in there. He closed his eyes, putting his head in his hands. Please, please, please, please." Suddenly he felt a rough hand set itself down on his shoulder, essentially breaking his prayers. Turk looked up to see Dr. Cox standing there. His eyes looked softly down on him as Cox took a seat in the chair beside him.

"He okay?"

"Yeah." Turk cleared his throat. "Yeah. They think so." He turned away so Cox wouldn't see him cry. "Scans came back clean." His words were shaky. He wondered if he looked as awful as he felt. "They're going to keep him out for a day or so. Let his body rest. Make sure all the swelling goes down."

Cox just nodded. Although he'd never admit it to anyone, a wave of relief washed over him. He's alive. He's okay. Removing his hand from Gandhi's shoulder, it was time to get to the reason on why he was here. The whole thing with their mom was eating away at him, and he couldn't shake the feeling something was really wrong about it all.

"Listen, baldy, I need to ask you something." He asked quietly.

Turk wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands. He could tell by the sound of Cox's voice he needed to face him. He shifted in his chair a little so he could more comfortably be face to face. "Hmm?"

Dr. Cox looked to the corner of the room before looking back at Turk. There wasn't anything there, but he didn't really know how to discuss the nagging feeling in his stomach about JD's family. "Did JD…has he ever talked about his mother?"

Turk shifted back in his seat a little. Of all the things he thought Dr. Cox would ask, that was not one of them. "Sorry?"

"JD. Did he ever say anything to you about his family?"

Turk squinted as though he didn't understand the question. Tilting his head slightly, he tried to think about what he might be asking. "Dan and me, we're the ones on his contact sheet. You don't need to call anyone else if that's what you're asking."

He sighed. "No. That's not what I'm asking," he snapped. He watched as Turk looked away again. Back off Perry. "What I'm trying to say is, has JD ever talked about his family to you. Family other than Dan." Turk turned back to him still slightly confused by the expression he wore. "I need to know Turk."

Turk? Since when does he use my actual name? "Umm, I don't know." He pressed his fingertips to his legs trying to think. "I don't think so." Pausing to think back. "His dad, he died. You know that." Closing his eyes for just a moment, and feeling them burn with tiredness. "Dan I've only met a couple times. JD talked about him though. He'd call the apartment every once in awhile. There's this picture hanging in JD's room of him and his dad…"

"That's not what I mean." How does he not understand? "Did Wendy ever talk about his mom?"

Turk stopped talking and just paused. He eyes were blank momentarily while he tried to think back on the last several years he'd known JD. He looked up to make direct eye contact with Dr. Cox. "Not that I can ever remember, no. I don't know how I never noticed, or why it never occurred to me that she wasn't around. Why?"

Dr. Cox leaned back in his chair putting his head against the wall. He hadn't noticed how tired he was until this very moment. "No reason." I made the right call. He closed his eyes and just breathed. He needed this moment. He could hear footsteps getting closer but he didn't bother opening his eyes.

"He's situated baby, if you want to go see him" Carla spoke softly. Like anything she said might break Turk in two pieces.

Turk got up, but not before hesitating. It was like he didn't want to see what was in that room. He took Carla's hand and pulled her in for a hug, squeezing her just a little too tight and a little longer than usual. He kissed her on top of her forehead and whispered.

"I think I want to go in alone the first time baby." His voice shook. "I just want to do it alone." He broke apart from her, still holding her hands, and staring into her eyes, pleading for her acceptance of his request.

"I know Turk. That's okay. I'll go in after." She let go of his hands. "He's up in ICU in front of the nurses desk." She paused. "We wanted to keep him close by. Be able to keep a close eye on him."

There was a faint smile that passed Turk's face before he turned and headed down the hall. His shoulders hunched, arms crossed. He was trying to keep everything held back. Eventually he disappeared and Dr. Cox reopened his eyes to see Carla standing in front of him.

"He's going to be okay, you know?" It was more of a statement than a question. She sat down beside him.

He eyed her. "Are you?"

Honestly she had no idea how she was keeping it together. Maybe it hadn't settled in yet. Maybe it's because she felt as though everyone else around her was falling apart, she needed to be the one who stayed on top of things. "I'm…okay." She looked down at the ground. "Are you going to go see him?"

He'd been waiting for that question. He knew he needed to. He was going to be Newbie's doctor; he wasn't letting someone else treat him instead. He'd kill the intern who tried to touch him. So he'd have to go in there eventually. "I'm…I'll go once Turk's done." He said.

Looking down the hall towards where JD's room would be, he felt Carla take his hand. He'd tried so hard not to let this get to him, but even the anger he tried to mask it with wouldn't stop the sadness he felt. How scared he was while JD was in surgery. How the muscles in his stomach wouldn't stop clenching knowing about the family situation. How could you have never noticed he never said anything about his family? You're a doctor. You're supposed to be observant. He took a shaky breath, letting his eyes fill with tears. He'll be fine. He has to be.

Chapter Text

Dr. Cox knocked on the doorframe of JD's room. The door was open, and he could see Turk standing next to JD's bed. Holding his hand in his. It was clear there was crying earlier, but not now.

Turk turned to face the doorway. Sadness radiated from his body and facial features. He laid JD's hand down gently on the bed and came out from beside the bed. Walking required so much effort; he knew it would be best if he just went home. Although Dr. Cox would never admit it, he cared, and someone would be here to make sure nothing happened. "Please call me if you need anything, or he needs anything, or if…"

"He'll be fine Gandhi. I'll make sure of it." Dr. Cox replied. Staring at JD the whole time he spoke. "Shut the door behind you."

Turk didn't argue, and left the room, closing the door. The only light in the room was coming through the cracks on the closed blinds, or from the machines currently keeping JD rested. It was weird not to see Newbie as his normal active self. His hair wasn't gelled up and his mouth wasn't open trying to tell a story or ask for advice. The room seemed eerily quiet other than that he was on a loud ventilator, not even breathing on his own. His pale face contrasted so much with his dark hair. Stitches had to be done in his scalp, but they'd been pretty careful not to have to cut too much of his hair off. His neck was supported with a brace, his back laying flat to prevent any moving around. As he took it all in, his legs became weak, and he walked over to the chair to sit down.

Dr. Cox stared at him for the longest time. Listening to the noises of the room. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was a good sign. He ran a hand down the side of his face. Sighing with great effort. He was tired. It'd be an extremely long day and he felt like this whole experience had probably taken at least a week from his life. He brought the chair a little closer to the bed so he's knees were practically touching the bedframe. He couldn't lie, he'd needed to be close to Newbie, and needed to make sure someone was there to watch over him. Looking towards the door first to make sure no one was watching him, he brought his hand towards JD's casted wrist. Slowly and carefully rubbing the fingers sticking out the end with his thumb. JD's face showed no activity of knowing what was happening, as it was supposed to be. It'd be at least a day before they even tried to take him off. He closed his eyes for just a moment, and got a little more comfortable in the chair. It's going to be a long night. Moving his beeper to the bedside table, he settled down for the evening.

-----

Dr. Cox woke up just a couple hours later. Groggy eyed he stretched his arms over his head. He'd nearly forgotten where he was, until he heard the heart monitor. Frowning, he figured he should get up and check on the kid. Make sure nothing had changed. Stretching his legs he could see through the window that the sun was starting to come up. The first day is always the hardest Newbie. You've got to be starting to get better from this point onward. Checking his vitals and that all medication was going in and doing as it was prescribed, he couldn't help but give the kid another once over. What caused him to do his next action he wasn't sure, but he certainly wasn't his nature. As he carefully put his left hand through JD's un-styled hair and brushed some of the loose strands away from his face, he couldn't help but rub the side of his face with his fingers. "You'll be alright there Britney."

Stepping back away from the bed, that power nap he took did wonders. Now time to check in on Dan, and then maybe he'd try to get some sleep in the on-call room. At least there'd be something to sleep on that they tried to pass as real beds. He knew already there'd be too many nights ahead of him where he would have to sleep in that chair. This was only the beginning.

-----

Dan had woken up a while ago and was currently just staring at the ceiling. He'd woken up alone, which was what he wanted; he just hadn't expected it to feel quite so lonely. Which is why he was so surprised when he heard his door open.

"Dr. Cox?" He didn't mean to make it sound like a question. He knew who it was. It'd just been so long since he'd actually said anything of real words that it was like his throat forgot how to speak.

"Danielle." Cox nodded his head, walking towards the bed. "Just thought I'd come in and check on you." He tried to smile, but he knew it was lost looking. Dan looked horrible, not as horrible as JD, but still horrible.

"How's he doing?" Dan asked. Sounding hopeful that there'd be any sort of good news. "I'd really like to go see him. I think…I think I'm well enough."

"A-bup-bup." Cox put a finger to Dan's lips. "Stop right there." Pulling his hand down once he knew Dan wasn't going to talk anymore. "There is no way I'm letting you out of this room. You have a concussion. As soon as you stand up someone's going to end up with barf on his shoes, and that certainly isn't going to be me." He picked up Dan's chart and wrote a few things down. Putting it back down he looked up at Dan. Dan was looking towards the door like a lost puppy. Even Dr. Cox could see the sadness in the young man's eyes. Growling to himself he stepped towards the side of the bed and gently hit the side of Dan's face.

Dan zoned back in and looked up at Dr. Cox. He hadn't even been thinking of anything in particular. His mind couldn't focus.

"Listen up here Danielle. I'm going to tell you once, and only once. Your brother…JD…he's…" Why is this so hard? Pacing towards the door and back, he stuck his hands in his lab coat pockets. "He's going to be fine." He let out a long breath. There. See. That wasn't so hard.

Dan looked at Dr. Cox with concern. "Hey Cox, what aren't you telling me?" He tried to sit up, only to have Dr. Cox shove him back down.

He sat down. "You know, there's a long road ahead for him, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Physically, he'll be fine. Some physiotherapy and time off work, he'll be able to come back to work should he choose eventually." Looking away momentarily "His brain scans came back clean. That's…that's the most important really. Heart's still beating." He looked back at Dan. "We've had to put him under. Just to make sure he gets some rest while all the swelling goes down. He's going to be in a lot of pain once he wakes up, but this…this is the best thing for him." Leaning back in the chair, he stretched his legs forward. "What I wanted to ask Dan was why don't you want those folks that were in here earlier to see him?"
Dan swallowed hard. He was afraid of this. He knew JD hadn't told anyone. He looks up to Cox so much, how do I tell him without telling him. "I can't."

"You can't? Or you won't?"

"I…I can't." Dan hung his head low. "Just please, don't let them in there. Don't tell them anything. You don't need to any way."

"If there's something I need to know, you have to tell me. JD can't. And clearly hasn't in all the years I've known him." Even Cox knew he was losing his temper "I swear to God Dan if you make me beg I will have to break the rest of your body."

Dan winced. "We were just kids you know." He looked away. He couldn't make eye contact with him while he told the story. "I don't…I really don't want to get into this. He should be the one telling you. I don't know everything." He was becoming agitated. Between the stress, the last of sleep, the pain in his arm and chest.

"For the love of God stop doing this to yourself!" Dr Cox's face was in front of Dan's now. "Breathe in and out Dan. Just calm down!" His faces just inches away. "I refuse to give you another sedative. You can't keep running away from this."

Dan's eyes refocused. "He just…he doesn't want to see them. Duncan, he'll kill him. Please don't let them hurt him again. I can't take it anymore. I came here to protect him." He exhaled and inhaled again quickly. "Can't we be in the same room?" Tears were falling now, the sheets held tightly in his hands.

Dr. Cox sat back down. "No Dan, you can't. Not for a few days." He ran a hand through his curls. He knew what Dan was trying to say. Thinking back on it he wasn't sure why he didn't see the signs. They were all there. The kid was jumpy, needy, always begging for his approval. "I got this." He got up to leave. "Go back to sleep. I'll let security know that no one enters that room but the A-Team and me.

Dan looked at Dr. Cox confused, but figured he knew what he was doing. There, I did it. I told him without actually telling him. Leaning back into his pillow to try and get more comfortable. I'm sorry little brother; I just can't do it by myself anymore. Dan felt miles away from him where he was. Not being able to see him, make sure that JD knew he was trying, was literally killing him.

-----

Dr. Cox walked to the nurse's station across from JD's room. "Hey Carla?"

Carla looked up. "Hey. How's Dan doing?" She looked genuinely concerned. Although she knew they weren't close, they were still family.

"He's doing fine." Strumming his fingers on the desk. "Listen, I need a favor. And I'm asking you instead of anyone else in this hellhole because I know you'll keep your mouth shut about it." He leaned over so he could talk quieter. With all the gossip in this place, I don't need to be the one starting any. "I need you to put a note on JD's room. No one goes in there but staff. Alright?"

Carla nodded confused. She could tell there was something he wasn't telling her. She knew as much as he wouldn't admit it, JD was important to him too, and this was probably killing him on the inside. It's a miracle he isn't drunk yet.

"No questions. And no exceptions." He started walking away. "If I find out someone got let in there that wasn't supposed to be, I'll strip them from their right to air."

Dr. Cox stormed away towards the on-call room she assumed. Looking towards JD's room she frowned. I don't know what's wrong with you Bambi, but you've sure got him fired up about it.

Chapter Text

"Mom would you please stop fussing, I'm fine." Dan shook his casted arm at her. He was becoming annoyed. They'd been there all day. He couldn't keep up the charade too much longer. Duncan looked like he was getting increasingly annoyed, and he swore his mom asked about JD every 10minutes. "Can you please just go home?"

Barbara stared at her son. He'd never been this forward and aggressive about things before. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine." He rolled his eyes. "I'm just tired. I'm a grown man who came here to see my brother. I can take care of myself."

Duncan angrily sighed from a chair in the corner of the room.

"Where is your brother any way?" His mom spoke. "I know we all don't see him very often, but you'd think he'd be willing to see his brother at a hospital so close to where he lives. I don't honestly know what's wrong with that boy. It's like he doesn't want anything to do with us anymore." She smoothed out the blankets on the bed. "I swear Daniel, he's just stirring up drama that doesn't need to be there anymore. We both know that those issues are over and done with. I don't see why…"

"Mom just shut up!" His volume even startled himself. "I know you don't mean that. Please, just leave him out of this. He'll see you when he's ready, and he's not ready. I don't think he'll ever be ready, so can you just stop talking about it. We all know what went on."

She looked away from her son, shock written on her face. When had JD told him?

"I know everything mom. Why do you think I came here? To protect him from you…" he lowered her voice so only she could her it "and him." His eyes narrowed towards the general direction of Duncan. He couldn't stand this anymore. He couldn't protect JD from this bed if he didn't speak up. He needed them to go home. He knew they couldn't find out where he was.

She dropped her hands from the bed. "I think it's time we went home."

He couldn't bite his tongue. "Good. Avoid the issue. Just what your both good at." He closed his eyes and put his head down into his pillow. God it's been a long day. Seeing them at home is one thing, but this is too hard. He could hear his parents getting up to leave, but opening his eyes when he heard a knock at the door.

"Hey man!" Turk yelled as he cheerfully stood in the doorway. "Just thought I'd give you the good news myself. Carla's going to come up in a bit with a wheelchair, take you to see your brother. I know that's what you've been waiting for." And with that, he hurried away about as fast as he breezed in.

Barbara turned to her son again quickly. Duncan put down his things. Dan closed his eyes and readied himself.

"You didn't tell me he was here!" She started yelling at him. "Why wouldn't you tell me he was here? You knew we drove all this way to see him. He's my son Daniel, you can't keep him away from me!"

"You kept him away on your own. He chooses not to come home because of you. He lives states away because of you. This is your fault. Don't blame me!"

"I'm going to find him." Turning to Duncan. "You. Stay here. I'll be back." She angrily spoke as she stomped out the door.

Duncan took a seat next to Dan's bed. His body had changed from irritated to flat out aggressive. And although Dan knew he'd never laid a hand on him, he'd laid too many hands on JD. He had a right to be scared of being in this room alone with him. Turning away as to not face him, he started to cry. I tried little brother. I'm sorry that wasn't enough.

-----

She looked around for anyone who might be able to help her. Someone who looked busy and probably wouldn't even second-guess why she was asking about room numbers. "Hi Nurse…Carter is it?" as she read the woman's name tag. She looked new enough not to even be a full time nurse. Intern maybe? "I'm looking for John Dorian's room. Can you tell me where that is?"

Barbara was right; the nurse didn't even look up at her. "Right across from the nurses station ma'am." She point across the hall. "He's in pretty rough shape. I'm sorry."

-----

Barbara stared in through the doorway at her youngest son. She'd been hoping to see him, that's why she'd driven all this way. Hesitating she tip toed through the door, and making sure no one was looking, she closed the door behind her. She wanted some time to herself.

It'd be a long time since she'd seen John. He didn't look much different. He'd always looked more innocent than Daniel, but she could be honest with herself and say that wasn't really true anymore. Dan was for the most part she thought, ha been completely unaware of what had been going on. I bet you didn't even tell him up until recently. He seems more protective of you now.

Barbara sighed out loud. "What am I doing here son?" She took a step towards the bed. "I know that…I know you didn't ask me to come. I know you would've rather I not come at all. It's your life now. But I wanted to apologize." She'd practiced in her head the whole drive here. Although honestly she didn't think it'd be that hard, but it was probably easier knowing he couldn't hear her or talk back. "I wanted to say how sorry I was. I married the wrong man. Your real father, he took care of you. Duncan, he hurt you. And I let him. I shouldn't have let him. I feel guilty and horrible and know that I can never take back what I did to you." This wasn't the first time she'd had to look at her son in a hospital bed. It wasn't even the 2nd time. There had been so many occasions it was a wonder why this was even so difficult for her to look at any more. Her eyes kept darting to different parts of the room, only to drift back again.

-----

Dr. Cox started making his rounds again. The on-call room had been empty, making it a somewhat decent sleep. He hadn't had to block out anyone trying to use it as a hook up closet. Some people preferred to go home and be called back if there was an emergency, and most of the time he would have to agree. But he didn't want to have a 20minute drive in between him and his patient should something happen. He'd deny it should anyone ask, but he cared for JD, and had spent time before he fell asleep trying to picture his life without the blasted puppy following him around all the time. He couldn't picture it, not even for a minute. He'd dumped the majority of his parents off in his interns, but kept the ones he knew they couldn't handle. Surprisingly he'd not been paged at all during his much needed rest, but he was sure it was because the nursing staff, mostly Carla, had threatened that he'd kill them should they dare wake him up. By this time he was sure the gossip of JD being here had worked it's way around the hospital.

Before he picked up his charts from the nurses desk, he just wanted to check on Joanna. Although he was sure nothing had changed, it hadn't been enough time; he just wanted to be certain. As he got closer to the room though, he could hear someone talking inside. He paused for a minute just outside the door, trying to figure out who it was and what they were saying.

-----

"I couldn't have treated you worse. You're my son. How could I choose someone else over you? All those years you put up with Duncan; I'm to blame for those. You should never have felt the way I'm sure you do. Dan shouldn't be the one protecting you now; I should've been doing it all along. But honey, it's too late to take all that back now. Duncan would really like to see you. He's been in therapy. I think it's really been helping. I think you'd see it too. It'd be really great if you could just forgive him and we could all move on with our lives. You could come home for Christmas, or Thanksgiving. We could be a family again. Wouldn't you like that?" She could feel herself getting angry with him. "If you had just figured out how not to piss him off all the time, he wouldn't have had to do all those things to you."

-----

He'd heard enough. Turning the door handle as quietly as possible, he pushed it open and stood just inside. Face angered. How dare she.

"You just never could keep your mouth shut. You always had to push his buttons…"

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

Barbara jumped. She hadn't heard anyone else come in the room. She turned to see Dr. Cox standing in the doorway. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"You just what? Wanted to hurt him some more?" He snarled. "Get out."

"Listen here, he's my son and I don't think you have any right…"

Dr. Cox walked up to her. Inches from her face he started yelling. "No. You listen here! You threw this kid away and he came here. We're the ones looking out for him. You have no right to be in here. You know he doesn't, and wouldn't want you here. So you need to go pick up that piece of trash you call a husband, and go home."

Barbara stared at him with tears in her eyes. Maybe he's right. She looked down at her son once more, letting go of his hand, and began to walk away.

Cox didn't take his eyes off her as she started to walk away. At least not until his stare was interrupted by a very quiet groaning sound. He looked away from the putrid woman and saw JD's eyes start to flutter. Ventilator still in, he knew what had to happen. "Hey Newbie?" He cleared his throat from the shock of his protege awakening. "Hey JD? It's time to wake up sleeping beauty."

JD groaned. His eyes felt like cement. He could hear the murmuring of someone talking, but couldn't really make out what they were saying. He was having a hard time getting any air into his lungs. The air kept getting caught in his chest on the way down. Trying to blink, panic was setting in. Why was his throat so dry? He tried lifting his head to no avail. His mind felt fuzzy like it was filled with cotton candy. Finally his eyes opened just enough to see a blurry face staring down at him.

Dr. Cox hit the nurse's page button above the bed. He knew it wouldn't take long for one of them to show up. "It's too early for this kid. You should still be sleeping." He grabbed both side of JD's face gently. The neck brace was doing a fine job holding his head, but he didn't want him to panic. He watched as JD's eyes flickered open and closed a few times as they tried to focus. Even once they remained open, they were blank and groggy. "Listen. JD. I need you to focus on me okay?" He pushed his forehead against his. "I need you to look at me."

The voices were becoming clearer. Was that doctor Cox? His eyes closed and he forced them back open again. Things were a bit clearer this time. So he tried again. Third times a charm, above him was, yes, Dr. Cox. His eyes darted around confused. He was still having a hard time receiving any air. He wanted nothing more than to suck in fresh oxygen and be able to move his body.

"I know you know the drill Newbie. On the count of three, cough, and I promise it'll make this process a whole lot easier. Just for the love of god stop panicking." He backed his face away and grabbed the tube. Hoping this was the right choice even though it was early he counted "One. Two. Three."

Chapter Text

JD tried to cough, even though nothing would come out. It was like his throat wasn't working properly. Why can't I move my head? What's wrong with me? Why am I laying down?

Dr. Cox could see it in his eyes. Panic was setting in, and quickly. "Come on Jasmine. Just one cough." He held the side of JD's face gently with one hand. It was breaking his heart staring at him like this. Tears were forming in JD's eyes and he needed to do this now before bigger problems arose. He could see JD's monitors rising in numbers too quickly.

JD tried to cough again, but he was just so tired. And then he felt it, something pulling upward from inside his chest. Squeezing his eyes shut he choked on air until he felt the pressure release. He tried to move his arms, to gather his thoughts, inventory himself, but his arms felt tied down. His eyes darted around the room, he noticed someone else standing behind Dr. Cox, but didn't pay too much attention. He looked towards his mentor for information.

Dr. Cox looked down at his patient. Although no one in the hospital would assume he was good with patients, he knew differently, and that's why he was the best doctor his this hellhole. "I'm going to ask you a couple questions Newbie, and as hard as this might be for you, I don't want you to talk." He took JD's hand in his own. "Just squeeze my hand if you know the answer. Okay?"

JD just stared at him. The cloudiness was dissipating, but in return all he got was pain. He let out a low groan and squeezed his eyes shut again.

"I'll try and make it fast okay? Then I'll give you some of that morphine that you girls love so much." He squeezed JD's hand gently to make sure he had his attention. Once JD's eyes opened to look at him, he started. "Do you know what your name is?"

Do I know what my name is? What kind of question is that? He stared at Cox like he was an alien.

"I didn't say the questions would be hard, I just need you to answer them." He sighed. "Now do you know what your name is?"

JD blinked like he understood the question, but trying to squeeze Doctor Cox's hand was another question. Trying to make his fingers work was making his brain hurt.

When JD didn't squeeze back right away, he wouldn't lie to himself, his gut churned like no other instance he could remember in his adult years. It was already going to take weeks of physical therapy to get JD back to his former self; he didn't want to imagine anything worse than that. Which is why he was so happy when he felt the slightest twitch of JD's fingers in his hand. "That's it kid, just a little more. You got this."

He had tried so hard, but even with Dr. Cox's encouraging he couldn't get any further, he was just so tired. Everything felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. But seeing Dr. Cox actually happy about something, he had to try a second time. He concentrated hard, and managed to move 3 of his fingers and curl them around Cox's hand.

"Alright. Good. Good." He took his eyes away from JD's fingers. He needed to watch his face for this question. "Do you remember how you got here?" His other hand rested on JD's shoulder on the other side of the neck brace. At any point of this kid's life did he need personal comfort, now was probably the time.

He stared up at Dr. Cox, and then turned his attention to the ceiling. How did I get here? He looked around the room like he'd never seen it before. But that isn't true is it? Just never from this point of view.

Dr. Cox snapped his fingers as he saw JD's eyes close. "Hey. No sleeping. Not yet." He moved his head completely into JD's eye line, making sure he was the only thing visible. "Do you remember how you got here?"

JD blinked a few times. I was in the car. No, I was on the sidewalk and then I got into the car? Something about a car? This should be an easier question. Why can't I remember? Is there something wrong with me? What's wrong with me? He started to panic and felt his chest get tight. He tried to speak but nothing came out, and opening his mouth was just painful on his throat.

It was killing him. It was literally killing little pieces of him to see JD like this. He hesitated, but then ran his finger light touch through JD's hair. Something about it seemed right at the time. Maybe it was simply because it wasn't styled up that it was easier to comfort him. "Stop. Come on. Don't do this to yourself. If you don't remember you don't remember." He turned to the table next to the bed and poured a glass of water topping it off with a straw. JD looked like some sort of wild animal, lost about in pieces of things he couldn't quite get a grasp on. "Here, drink some of this will you. We both know it'll help."

JD turned his eyes to face him. Unable to move his head or his body, he couldn't do much other than open his mouth. His throat was so dry it felt like the desert. Watching as doctor Cox bent the straw down into his mouth, he took a few sips.

"Easy there princess. I can't have you throwing up while laying down." He lifted back the straw a little. But seeing the satisfaction it gave JD, he let him have a few more sips before returning it to the table.

JD closed his eyes; he was so tired that drinking water was too much effort. He tried again to talk. This time it was partially successful with a small noise. A soft clearing of the throat and he managed to get out a simple "Whahappen?"

Dr. Cox sighed. Why is it taking so long for the nurses to get here? He grabbed JD's chart, but not because he needed to know what was wrong with him, he'd read it over 100 times by now. Memorized every broken bone, every scar that would form later. He just needed something to hold onto while he talked. While he told him what he knew he wouldn't want to hear.

JD stared at him for a long time. Squinting his eyes through the pain that was forming all over his body. "Please" he said. Although he wasn't sure it actually came out as any words at all.

Cox couldn't do it. He couldn't tell him right now. He put the chart back down on the table. He touched JD's hand again. "I'm going to just do a basic test and you blink if you can feel it okay?" He moved towards the end of the bed touching JD's toes gently and moving them up and down slowly. "Can you feel this?" He swore he could feel his heart pause in yes chest. But then he saw it, the blink. "And what about this?" He moved his hands towards his middle shin. Another blink. But before he could move his hands anywhere else, Barbara moved closer to the bed. He'd forgotten all about her being in the room.

"JD. I'm so sorry."

What? Who was that? Why do they sound so familiar? JD looked towards his side. He could not, and would not believe his eyes. Fear devoured him all at once. Memories flashed before him behind his eyes. I'm here because of her aren't I. I'm here because of her and her husband. Not even able to think his name, JD surged through the pain. Desperate to get away from her his arms started thrashing about on the bed trying to hard to escape any of his bonds. "Help me. Please help me."

-----

Carla had been watching outside the door, she knew Dr. Cox had it under control, and as desperate as she was to see Bambi, Dr. Cox needed those moments more. She didn't want to overwhelm JD, and she knew after this Dr. Cox would be lucky to get any alone time with him. Turk wasn't going to leave his side, or Dan. I should go tell Dan. Before she could turn, she heard the warning alarms.

-----

"You need to leave!" Dr. Cox turned to Barbara as he held JD's arms in place. "JD please stop moving." The kid was thrashing so badly he was afraid he'd damage any progress they'd made medically. Firm grips on his wrist weren't helping. Different approach. Try something else. Just then he saw Carla rush into the room with a needle in hand. A sedative. "Wait. Carla just wait a second. Explain it to him first. Explain what you're doing and why."

Carla stared at Dr. Cox like he was insane. "I'm sorry?" She looked momentarily at JD; he was going to tire himself out if they didn't sedate him. Looking back at Dr. Cox, he had a face that told her he was being serious.

"Explain it to him first and then just do it. It's only going to scare him more otherwise."

She turned to face JD and gently touched his face.

JD tried to turn away at first, but he was able to. The touch was soft though, not like what his mind kept flashing back to. He turned to look at her and the trashing lessened.

"Hey Bambi. It's good to see you again." She could see the tears in his eyes; a couple of them had fallen down the side of his face. "I'm going to give you something to go to sleep okay? You're moving around too much and you're going to hurt yourself."

He tried to say no, but he knew he was tired. You're a doctor; you'd do the same thing. Think logically here. You're clearly not a child; Carla and Dr. Cox are here. But, mom is here too. Does that mean he is here too? He looked up at Carla, fear was apparent.

"One of us will stay here with you okay?" She watched his eyes close for a moment. When they reopened some of the fear was gone and he'd mostly stopped moving. His levels were going down to somewhat normal responses. She stuck in the sedative in and held his hand. Squeezing just gently enough not to hurt him, but enough to let him know she wasn't going anywhere.

Dr. Cox let go of JD and turned his full attention towards Barbara. "You. Need. To. Leave. You are not allowed in this room, you hear me?"

She stood shell-shocked a few steps back from the bed. She didn't know JD would react like that, but instead of feeling sorry for her son, anger was setting in. How dare he.

Chapter Text

Doctor Cox turned to her. "I said you need to go!"

Barbara stood shell shocked, open hands turning into fists. She glanced at her son quickly, before making a swing at Doctor Cox. "How dare you treat my son and I this way? How dare you try and take him from me. He's my son, do you hear me? He's my son!" Her face started turning red, body language becoming irate. "You have no right to keep him from me!"

Cox had been ready for her wild behavior. This wasn't new to him. Not only had he been a doctor a long time, but his parents weren't the best parents either. He didn't say anything as she tried to hit him. As much as he really would've liked to slug her one, he didn't want to be thrown out of the hospital. He needed to be there for Newbie, to at least protect him from this psychotic woman.

Carla turned to see Barbara madly swinging towards Dr. Cox. Thinking quickly she ran to the door frame and called for security, although the noise must've been loud enough that she could see they were already on their way. Moving aside so they could do their job, they promptly put JD's mom in handcuffs and escorted her out of the room. Carla glanced at Dr. Cox and stormed out of the room, yelling some sort of Spanish at Nurse Carter.

A small smile crept across Dr Cox's face. Carla was going to tear her a new one, and he was so glad it didn't have to be him to do it. He turned to face JD and could see the poor kid refusing to close his eyes. He felt bad for him. The painkillers would be kicked in for sure, but they wouldn't be able to give him anymore sedatives due to the high risk of head injury.

"Isshegone." JD slurred. His eyes closing for longer and longer amounts of time. His hair was matted to his face. Covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Yeah JD, she's gone".

JD tried to turn his head. When that proved too difficult, he just move the direction of his eyes. "Youcalled….meJD". His breathing was becoming a little more labored. Think JD, your mom was here but she's gone now, you're fine.

Cox replied while slipping an oxygen mask over JD's face. "It's no secret Diana. That is your name." Pulling up a chair, he sat down next to the bed, now out of JD's line of sight. "Now please, if one of us promises to sit right here, will you fall asleep?" He picked up JD's chart to take some notes.

"Itsnicetoseeyou….finallybenicetome" JD nodded on and off for a couple moments, before finally decided, that enough is enough.

-----

When Dan woke up his room was quiet. Visiting hours must be over I guess – I feel like I've lost all track of time in here. Is this how doctors feel all the time? He was startled out of his daydreaming when Carla opened the door, and boy did she look mad.

"Hey favorite lady, how goes it?"

Carla closed the door and came down to sit at the edge of the bed "I need to talk to you Dan." Her eyes came up to meet his.

"JD? Is he okay?" A look of concern written across his face.

"No no, it's nothing like that. JD's fine Dan. He has a fever, we've had to put him back in ICU for a little while, and you won't be able to go see him like we said." She could feel Dan tense at her words. "We've loaded him full of antibiotics. Listen" she stood up and pulled the chair closer to his bedside taking his hand "I found your mom in JD's room. She knows he's here now, and quite honestly I didn't even know it was a secret. She was arrested and thrown out by security for trying to beat up Dr. Cox. She won't be allowed back in." She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb as he turned away. "I need you to tell me everything Dan. I need you to tell me what happened."

Dan turned back to face her and wanted to throw up.

-----

It was at least several hours later before JD woke up again. It must've been the middle of the night. The lights in his room had been dimmed slightly. He hadn't had the chance to view the hospital from this point of view many times, but he sure didn't want to this time. The pain in his limbs was almost unbearable and he let out of small whimper of pain.

Dr. Cox shot awake. Quickly rubbing his hands across his face. Hopefully wiping away the tiredness he'd built up over the uncomfortable hours of coffee and chair sleep.

"Hey kid, you've been out for quite some time now." Dr. Cox came into his tunnel vision. "I'm going to get rid of this neck brace now if you promise not to move around. Now's not the time for you to decide to play hopscotch."

JD flinched as he felt Dr. Cox's hands around his neck. "Mom?" His voice sounded stressed and overworked. He could feel what felt like a cool washcloth on his forehead.

"Security let her go, she's not allowed back in the hospital."

He closed his eyes briefly feeling the cool air hit his neck. Then his eyes shot open, heart monitor going wild. "Dan? What about Dan? Where is he?" Forgetting the previous statement he tried to sit up, the pain worsening as he moved his protesting limbs.

"What did I just say?" He forced JD back down into laying position, trying to be as gentle as he could through all the stitches and bandages. "Dan is fine. He's awake, and in a day or so we'll bring him to you. If you haven't noticed yet Newbie, you're in the ICU. I won't be able to get him in here in his condition. You're running a fever and you have a cocktail of antibiotics running through you. We're trying to prevent infection."

JD closed his eyes. "Do you think I could get something for the pain?"

"Scale of 1 to 10?" As he pulled a needle from his lab coat.

"15". Even talking was taking too much out of him.

Pushing the needles fluids into the IV line slowly, he used his free hand to check JD's temperature. "It's a bit cooler there kid. Another couple hours or so and stay stable and you'll be in the clear."

JD's eyes were half closed, biting his lower lip to prevent from screaming.

"Are you even listening to me Newbie?" Dr. Cox looked at him concerned. He pulled out a penlight and flashed each one of JD's eyes. Reaction time is good. Face and head swelling is normal. He grabbed the water and straw from the bedside "Drink."

"No. Hurts." His muscles tightened causing a spasm in his shoulder and jaw line. He moaned in agony. "I can't Dr. Cox." Tears were building up in the corners of his eyes and yet he did as he was told and took a sip of water, before immediately throwing up from the pain. Cox grabbed a basin and slightly turned him on his side, wiping his face and blankets off with a cloth. He'd get them switched out shortly once JD was asleep.

Dry heaving was about the best JD could manage after the stomach bile came up. He would've been slightly embarrassed from crying and shaking if it wasn't for all the pain. It was like he could feel every fracture and stitch being ripped open.

Feeling pity for the kid he took his hand and squeezed. "Just give it a minute okay, it'll pass. Just breathe and it'll pass." He watched as his protégé slowly fell back asleep, and the drugs coursed through his system. Hair matted to his face, blue eyes lay still behind their lids. IV lines and catheters, heart monitors and additional oxygen through a nasal cannula. He looked away, it wasn't supposed to be this way.

Once JD had fallen back into a deep sleep, Dr. Cox made another note on the chart and settled back down in his chair. He'd handed the majority of patients off his to residents, and wasn't taking on any new ones. Kelso had already approved a short term absence from work. Beeper on the side table, he propped his legs up on Newbie's bed as he tried to get just a couple more hours of shut eye.

-----

Carla sat silent in Dan's room. He'd fallen asleep ages ago after a fit of tears. She couldn't believe she didn't know. All those years, the agony, and the fear. It's a wonder the kid could even make it through medical school with those memories eating away at him.

She finally stood up and silently crept from the room, shutting off the light and closing the door behind her. Finding Turk at the nurse's desk she squeezed him into a tight hug.

"Baby?" He pushed her away just enough to be able to look her in the eyes.

"I'm okay." She wiped her eyes. "Really. I'm fine." She stepped away. "Have you seen JD?"

"Not in the last couple hours. Dr. Cox is still in there though. Rumor has it he hasn't come out at all." Turk squeezed her again as his pager went off. He looked down at it. "I managed to get tomorrow off. But the Todd couldn't cover me today. I gotta go. We'll talk after."

Carla just nodded and went to grab her coat from the locker room. Go home, take a shower, sleep. She turned back to wave at Laverne as she left, and she could've sworn she saw her do a silent prayer to Jesus.

-----

Soft daylight was streaming in through the windows. The washcloth was gone and he was actually feeling a little too warm underneath the blankets. There was a foggy haze from the drugs, but he could make sense of most things. "Dr. Cox?"

"Hmm?" He huffed from behind his medical book.

"What time is it?" He strained to try and look at the clock but his vision was a little blurry.

"It's about 8am Delilah."

"Oh." He leaned back and stifled a groan.

"Pain still at a 15 sleeping beauty?" Dr. Cox eyed him.

JD signed. "No. More like a 7 now." He turned his stiff neck towards his friend, he knew better than to ask if he'd been here all night, but by the coffee cup on the nightstand and the tired bags under Dr. Cox's eyes.

"So…"

Dr. Cox put his book entirely down now.

Chapter Text

Dr. Cox put down his book. "So are you going to explain why your mother tried to assault me there Sally?"

JD looked surprised, and then turned to fiddle with the edges of his sheet. Taking a deep sigh, only to stop midway from the painful rib motion, he looked anywhere in the room but at Dr. Cox.

"We'll move you out of this room today Newbie, but before you leave here I want to know the truth. It's easier to protect you in the ICU. Once we move you to a normal room, it gets a lot harder to keep constant eye on you. You want to be a pansy and not tell me, fine. But be prepared to suffer the consequences." He felt bad phrasing it that way, but he didn't see another option. Instilling fear in people was his specialty. Share your feelings and cry was not. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it his way.

JD closed his eyes and bit his lip. As soon as he closed his eyes it was a blur of the car crash so that's what happened, and 7 years of being brutally broken. Physically shaking his head at the thoughts flowing through his mind, it didn't stop racing till he felt someone holding the sides of his face.

"You're not getting away that easy kid." He lightly smacked the side of his face in a somewhat friendly manner. JD winced any way. "Get on with it."

With tear filled eyes JD retold the story in reverse order. Going from the most fragile moments, to the moments that started it all. The moments where his mom was so drunk she didn't mind that her new husband threw him around a little. Or eventually when she didn't even care sober. When she wouldn't give him any, and he'd take it from her son instead. The moments he couldn't bear to explain, he just phrased with an 'etc.' and he'd wait for Cox to nod. There were a few times, where he had to stop, compose himself and stop his hands from shaking. It felt like he'd only been talking for a few minutes, but once he started talking about it, he couldn't stop. It's like years spilled out of his mouth and he couldn't stop. He was afraid that he'd never be able to get the words back in again.

Meanwhile, Cox had to keep his composure. And I thought I had it bad? Where was Dan during all of this? At least Paige wasn't expected to take care of me, and I definitely looked out for her. JD's panicked voice interrupted his thoughts.

He removed the nasal cannula. "She was here Dr. Cox. Does that mean he was here too?" His voice was starting to sound coarse and frail. "Where are they now, will they get back in? They know where I work now. They'll know where to find me!" JD tossed his head around and angrily slammed his injured arms down into the bedrails, wincing heavily on impact. Too angry and scared to think about the pain he was causing himself. "I can't! I can't be here when they come back for me. I can't do any of that again. I can't…"

Dr. Cox whistled and when JD opened his eyes there was a glass of water in front of him. "Drink." He tried to lift his shaking hands but everything felt so heavy. Feeling embarrassed he lifted his head gently as he sipped the water that someone else held to his lips.

Putting the water back on the bedside, Cox had the tubing put back in place. He'd been beaten, broken, assaulted, and victimized until leaving for medical school. There was nothing Cox could say to make any of that go away. None of those memories could be shredded or contained. None of them could be thrown away or removed from his long term memory. So Cox closed his eyes and took a breath. As JD told one last tale of endurance. The final time before he left for med school, packed his bags, and vowed never to come back. The final time that absolutely broke him.

By the time he was finished, he was an absolute mess. Practically hugging himself with his blanket, wiping the tears that had filled his eyes with the back of his hand. "No one was supposed to know this you know. I just recently told Dan. It's not…it's not something I want people to know." And with that, he finally let out a sob. "Thinking back on it, that last time, that was my fault. Maybe they all were."

Dr. Cox looked at what he might call his friend, and although he had made sure there wasn't any witnesses first, he gingerly sat JD up and hugged him around his broken ribs and stitches.

JD pulled back at first but after a moment, returned the hug, and sobbed into his shoulder. Although the violent crying was wreaking havoc on his ribs, torn muscles, and other broken insides, he couldn't stop. The tears had started and there wasn't any stopping them.

Dr. Cox moved one of his hands until it found the morphine button on Newbie's IV line. Pressing it a couple of times before moving his hand back to the back of JD's head. Rubbing his hand through his hair as the kid soaked his scrubs top with tears. "I know JD, I know."

His breath hitched with every achingly painful sob, but he could feel himself getting warmer and fuzzier. Whether it was due to the pain drugs, or the hug, he wasn't sure. But it did feel nice to be this close to someone again. Someone who knew his dirtiest of secrets. Someone who wasn't Dan.

And that was how Turk found them.

-----

He'd opened the door pretty slowly, not wanting to wake JD in case he was sleeping. But when he opened the door and found what he saw, he wasn't sure what to do. Vanilla Bear, what's the matter? And why aren't you telling me?

He thought about coughing and letting them know he was there, but instead he closed it, taking one last look through the glass wall. He'd try and get some shut eye in the on call room instead.

-----

The next time he woke up, he was alone. The room was different, and when he turned his head there was another bed next to him. He breathed in the scents of the hospital. The gloves and cleaner. The uncomfortable sheets. And the cleaning fluid. The smells of home. This is your home JD.

The bathroom door opened and out came Dan, an ever so slightly limp to his previous perfect walk. "Took long enough little buddy."

"How long was I out?" He still felt pretty tired.

"At least 6 hours." Dan sat beside him on the bed. "Listen. I know, you, uh. I know you told Cox. And that's okay. I want you to know, I told Carla."

JD looked up "Why?!"

"Because she had to know JD and you know it. They all need to know now. This isn't time for games anymore. This is the way it has to be now. And I'm sorry I didn't help you get through it before, but I'm here now."

He leaned back and sighed "Have they mentioned how long I'm staying?" He was finally feeling lucid enough to listen.

"I wouldn't understand their jargon any way." Dan settled off the bed and hit the nurse's button on the way to his own single bed. "Someone should be by in a minute. I was going to take a walk any way if you want me to go"

"No!" He panicked "Stay. Please?"

"Alright, if that's what you want."

"It's what I want." He started kicking the blankets off. Now that his fever was down he was feeling extraordinarily warm. Can't they lay off the thermostat for 5 minutes!

-----

"I've tried paging you 6 times Perry!"

"Huh." He woke up with a start kicking the sweatshirt he'd been wearing off the bed. "What?" Grabbing his pager off of the nightstand. The most recent page was for room 401. Newbie's room. He got up and started to rush out.

"No! No." Holding her hands up like someone had a gun to her. "Bambi's fine. He just woke up and I think he's ready to listen about his condition."

"Don't do that to me Carla!" He slammed his fist into the bunk bed frame. "I'm too old for that."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"What do you want?" He snapped.

She started him now. "Now I know you know better than that."

Walking away proud of her progress. "Well do you want to go in there and tell him? Or do you want me to send in Elliot?" She snapped back. She knew he was tired but there was no need to be snarky. They were all tired.

"No, I'll do it." He grabbed his lab coat off the bunk and started his journey across the hospital. They'd been able to move Newbie from ICU. His fever stayed down, and they'd still be pumping him full of fluids and antibiotics, but it was seemingly doing the trick. Later that afternoon they'd take him down for another MRI, make sure brain scans came back clean a second time now that most of the swelling had come down. As well as put a real cast on his arm instead of the plastic pieces he currently had.

Bloodshot eyes leading him like a robot down the hallways where he needed to go. Eventually they'd do the tests where they start to ask you math questions and anything else where they might need to test your mind. Although after the conversation he had this morning, he knew there was nothing wrong with his memory. He may choose to not remember things, but there's nothing wrong with his brain. The tests didn't worry him.

But how long would it be before he got to see JD follow him around like a lost dog again. Would he practice medicine again? There's been some definite progress in terms of physical therapy, but it wasn't so much the physical pain and progress he worried about. I wonder if I should call in a consult.

All of the sudden his beeper was going off again. Carla I swear to god I'm on my way right now. He sped up a little when he heard someone yelling.

Progressively louder beeps sounded like they were coming from every corner of the room. "What's wrong with him? You said he was better, you said he could come down here, and that everything would be fine!" Dan was being pushed to the side as Cox entered the room.

Chapter Text

Carla was pushing Dan out of the way as the beeping got more aggressive.

"Stats?"

"Blood pressure dropping rapidly" Carla responded.

Cox felt both relief, and failure simultaneously. Relief that JD's vasovagal syncope was likely brought on by extreme distress, but failure that this wasn't something he could quickly fix for the long term. This was something emotional. This was something he wasn't good at. I think that's a yes to the consult.

"Get him laying flat" He gently held the back of JD's neck as he removed the pillow from behind him as Carla adjusted the bed. Cupping his neck longer than necessary, he softly let his head come down to the mattress below. Putting his stethoscope to JD's bare chest with one hand while snapping his fingers for Dan to come over with the other.

Satisfied with how his chest sounded, he strung it back over his neck. "You" Turning his eyes away from JD. "What were you discussing"

Dan stared at him like a deer in headlights. Confused about where to look with all the commotion.

"Oh Deidra!" pointing at his own eyes. "Look at me. I need to know what you and sleeping beauty here were talking about".

"Umm, Duncan, and Mom. He was worried. He was worried that, that they'd come back here. He's…scared" Dan looked down as he started to sway standing up "I'm scared".

Cox rolled his eyes. "Listen, I can't have both of you passed out, I'm only one man. One very tired man." He grabbed Dan by the arms and moved him towards the chair. "Now sit down" pushing him downwards, shoving his head towards the floor "between your legs". Satisfied Dan wasn't going to move; he took a couple steps back to the bed.

Carla looked at him "Blood pressure is already leveling out. It shouldn't take too long".

You will be the death of me kid. "You should gather Elliot and Turk, I think we all need to talk." Carla looked at him, expecting him to say more, but when he didn't, she quietly exited.

God he looked terrible. Some of these stitches were bound to scar, it wouldn't matter what doctor did them. JD's eyes started to flutter, startled that there was someone so close to him and he tried to back away. "Hey hey" Cox spoke quietly. "Stop. It's just me." For what felt like the 100th time, he ran his fingers through the matted hair, feeling little scratches on his scalp. "Give it another day and we can wash your hair".

JD gave the slightest nod before he closed his eyes. "Itsok. Imok."

"Yea, you are" Cox answered before gently taking his hand.

-----

The 4 of them stood inside Cox's office. Turk and Carla sitting down while Elliot stood crying by the window. Cox cleared his throat, this was wildly out of his comfort zone, the only way to do this was to go totally clinical.

"Our patient is displaying symptoms of PTSD, alongside broken bones, lacerations, and a grade 3 concussion." Pacing back the other way "We can add on top of that, nightmares, exhaustion, and severe anxiety". He stopped to rub his face. "We haven't finished with the neurological tests yet, but any swelling has gone down and his memory seems to have no issue." He picked up the chart, glancing as he flipped through each page. He didn't really need to read it again, he mostly just wanted something to do with his hands, a chance to pause while he composed himself.

"I'm sure we all know now that I've requested a leave of absence". Carla made a noise as if to interrupt and he put a finger up. "I'm not leaving; the point is to give Newbie the care he's going to need. I think we all know he can't be left alone". He sighed and sat on the end of his desk. "Dan, is not the safety net he needs, and not the treatment he deserves."

"Why are you doing this?" Turk said, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Honestly, I don't know" He paused "I don't know". The room fell into silence.

"It's fine. It's fine" Turk looked up trying not to cry "I've got too many loans to take that much time off. Elliot? What's your financial looking like these days?"

She looked up between silent sobs "I can't. Not that much time. Not the amount of time he's going to need."

"Dan still has next of kin rights yes? Those don't get transferred to his mother now that she's here and we know who she is?" Carla inquired

"No, they don't. JD was smart enough to at least make sure all the right paperwork was filed on his hospital information. Dan seems on our side. Stupid, but on our side." He slid off the desk to go around to his office chair and sit down. Leaning his head back and closing his eyes. I need a coffee, an entire vat of coffee. "Security's been told. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum's room is staff only. We'll move him to the room closest to their post".

"Our hospital benefits don't cover…" Turk started to say

"Shut it Ghandi, we know. Paying full price wasn't the arrangement Kelso made."

He sighed again. "Since I'm taking a leave of absence, I can't be his physician anymore. However, nothing goes into his body, into his program, or into his chart, without going through me. Hear me? Nothing, not even his lunch."

Everyone nodded "I'll monitor his pain levels, progress, and we'll get him on the list for physiotherapy starting in a few days. I also want to book a consult with a shrink."

There was an audible gasp from Elliot "He's not crazy".

"I know he isn't crazy" he practically growled. "But he's suffered a large amount of trauma that he hid from all of us. If he's not going to be forthcoming, then we need to have another plan". Swallowing back what felt like bile "This can't happen again. Another trauma. He needs help, and he needs it now". He got up and straightened his jacket. "I expect you all to cover me when I need to sleep later." Before pulling open his office door and leaving them in stunned silence.

Looking at the clock "I don't have enough time to go home now before I need to come back, I'm going to sleep in the on-call room". Kissing Turk goodbye and she left.

Elliott just glanced at them before turning to face out the window.

-----

Strolling into the room, emotional mask up and ready to talk doctor. JD's eyes were open staring at the doorway as he half sat up against the bed. It seems Dan had cried himself to sleep in the bed next to him, rolled on his side away from his brother. Coward, can't even look at him. "Hey kid" moving to check his vitals "How're your lungs feeling? Looks like we might be able to take you off that oxygen soon"

"Hmm?" was the only response he received, never taking his eyes off the door.

Cox eyed him worriedly. "Can you follow my light there Miranda?" as he moved his penlight from side to side in front of him. JD followed it just fine, going back to the door when he'd finished. "How are you feeling? Head still bothering you?"

"Blurry. Tired." Never looking away from the door.

That's just the concussion. Moving into his line of vision "Hey Amelia Earhart, what new adventure do you think you're going to find from this bed?" JD looked up slowly to see Cox's face, and breathed a sigh of relief. "They're not allowed to come back"

"You said that last time" he practically whispered

Cox sighed and pulled the chair over to his side of the bed "I know". Staring at his hand for a long time before awkwardly taking it in his own. "Listen, we need to talk about what your condition is and what your options are, and I need you to focus and hear me. Okay?"

JD sucked in a breath and held it momentarily before answering "Okay". He turned his gaze away from the door, but his anxiety showed through his minuscule finger movements. Cox gently squeezed his hand.

"Despite my assumptions before, there are indeed brains inside of your head and everything looks good". God why do I need to be mean about it. "I saw the scans myself. As long as we can keep all the cuts and lacerations clean, you shouldn't be at risk of infection." He cleared his throat "Ribs will heal pending you don't jostle yourself too badly. it's your hand that I'm worried about."

JD's interest was peaked

"I'm worried about the lack of motion in your fingers." Rubbing them with his thumb "X-rays came back okay, but it could be nerve damage that we didn't catch the first time. I'm going to order another CT scan now that the swelling's gone down. We need to work on it, getting motion back in some of these joints. I've asked for physiotherapy to start in a few days. We'll start with your legs, you've been in bed awhile, and will need to remain here until I'm satisfied you can get up without tipping over."

He looked down. He couldn't look at JD while he said this "I've requested a leave of absence…to help you. Between the body trauma, and" tapping his own head "the mental trauma, you need more help than the hospital can constantly give you. And the cowardly lion over here" nodding towards Dan "isn't going to be able to give you that either." He glanced up admitting defeat and looked JD in the eyes.

Tears were forming in the corners "I can't let you…". He bit his lip "I can't let…"

"Hey. You aren't letting me do anything. It's not a choice you get to make kid." He stretched his legs out and leaned back in his chair. "Listen, I didn't realize you needed help before. I should've caught that"

JD tried to interrupt "I didn't…" but was cut off with a glare.

"Let me help you now. Let me help you for the times I couldn't help myself. Okay?"

He just stared for a moment, processing what was even happening. "Okay." He said quietly. He glanced quickly at the door as someone walked by.

"You have got to sleep, right now your exhaustion is keeping you from making a good recovery." He checked the drug admin times at the end of the bed "Somehow you're even staying awake through all of this?"

"Scared." His eyes lingered closed before snapping back open.

"I know." He sighed "I know". Pulling the blankets back up to tuck him in, he then pulled the chair around to the end of the bed so that he was placed between JD and the door. JD's eyes following him the whole time. "I need you to close your eyes. I can't give you anymore pain meds. You need to just let go and sleep" He sat down "I'll be right here, between you and that door. I promise."

JD didn't know what to do. This fear, it's been years. I forgot how all consuming it was, it's exhausting. Are my eyes closed? He snapped them back open. Heart rate increasing every time they snapped open.

"You have PTSD Newbie, and not from the accident. This cycle isn't going to stop until you trust people and let them help you". He made his voice sterner "Trust me to help you."

His vision swam, but he couldn't resist the drug induced slumber any longer. "Stay?"

"Yes. I'm staying right here" He gestured to his body already sitting down "I'm not moving. Now please, I don't want to hear another come out of your mouth. Sleep".

As unsure as JD felt, he closed his eyes. It probably took less than 5 seconds before his breathing was evened out, chest rising and lowering softly.

Meanwhile, from the other bed, Dan silently cried. Little brother, I'm sorry you couldn't trust me to do the same.

Chapter Text

Turk and Carla were eating breakfast in the cafeteria. By now, everyone in the hospital knew what had happened.

“I can’t believe he never told me” he sighed, putting down his fork. “That’s a lot to carry. I honestly can’t believe I never noticed any of the signs.” He nodded his head in acknowledgement as another staff member patted his shoulder on the way by.

“He showed what he wanted to show.” She drank some coffee. “Honestly Turk, I gave it a lot of thought, and it makes me happy knowing that when he left for medical school, he found you. You’re the best thing that’s probably ever happened to him.” She paused. “And we’ll continue to be the best part of his life here” She reached across the table and held his hand. “We can’t treat JD any differently because of this. He isn’t going to want that.” She looked around, and spoke her next words quietly “But I do think we need to talk to him about getting a restraining order against Duncan and his mother. He lives with us baby. What would we do if he came to the apartment?”

He blanched, he’d never thought of that. Stabbing his eggs and lifting his fork. “Yea. Yea, okay. That makes sense.” Taking a bite. “I was going to relive Cox for a bit today before heading home. I…I miss him.”

“I know. Me too”

-----

“Can I get up?” JD asked, practically begging with his best puppy dog eyes.

“One more day kid” as he filled in another word in the crossword. “You can’t even move your arms.”

He was embarrassed. The lack of control. He started to cry. There was too much going on, he was completely overwhelmed. Cox could see the catheter bag fill a little more out of his peripheral.

He looked up at him “I’m sorry”.

“No. It’s ok. I know” Taking a breath and looking away “I know it’s what needs to happen”. I feel sick. “Hey Perry” he trailed off.

This got his attention “First name basis Cheryl? I didn’t know we were that close”. Seeing the closed eyes and controlled breathing, he picked up the basin off the table and hit the bed controls to sit him up a little farther. “How can you possibly still have more to throw up? You haven’t eaten in days. You’ll be the envy of every…” Pausing to catch the dry heaving and spit dribbling down his chin.

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired.” He half opened his eyes while Cox wiped his face. “I can’t do this again. Just, let him kill me. It’s over, I didn’t get away”.

Cox stared down at him as Dan spoke from the other bed “I’m sorry”.

“Please stop apologizing” Anger was rising now. He was about to throw up again. My head, is there jackhammers in here?”

“I’m scheduling a consult for you JD.”

“What?” The world paused “A consult for what?” He looked up as more bile came up.

“A consult with a psychologist” He moved the basin to the side and grabbed the washcloth again. “I want to know if these thoughts are concussion symptoms” that sounds less worrisome “you’re normally such a positive Pollyanna”. He smoothed JD’s hair off his face.

“Please stop” He shook his head “Please, don’t be nice to me”. He exhaled angrily. “Can I just, can I have one minute to myself. Please?”

Dr. Cox sighed. He didn’t really want to leave him alone, and felt torn. “Okay.”

“Okay?” JD sounded surprised.

“I said okay.” He took the wheelchair next to Dan’s bed and helped him in. “Your brother here, is going to go for a ride. And I’m going to get some coffee”. He pushed Dan towards the door before Dan started wheeling it himself. “Hit the button if you need anything”. He closed the door on his way out. Leaving JD to watch them as they left.

-----

“Are you really leaving him alone?” Dan asked

“No.” He slid down the wall outside JD’s door and held 5$ out with his hand. “Hey you” A terrified intern stared down at him “Coffee. Black. Largest size. 60seconds.” And that’s when Dan realized, as the intern scurried away, that even in a hockey jersey, Dr. Cox was still the most feared person in here.

“I really am sorry you know”

“I know, but it isn’t me who needs the convincing”. Because as they talked, they could hear the sound of sobbing from the other side of the door.

Dan dropped his head, and wheeled himself away. Dr. Cox wished he could do the same.

-----

When Turk came up to JD’s room, he saw Dr. Cox sitting on the floor drinking a coffee “Hey”. He slid down the wall next to him “How’s he doing?”

He sipped his coffee “He wanted a minute alone” He looked at his watch “It’s been 15, if you want to go in now. He stopped crying about 5minutes ago.” He rubbed the side of his face with his hand “I can’t tell if it’s the concussion, or the anxiety, probably both, but his mood swings are all over the place. He threw up again this morning. He has yet to eat anything since he woke up. See if you can tempt him with something would you? Otherwise I’ll have to up the IV fluid and start him on an NG”.

There was a long silence before Turk got up “Listen, I’m off today. Why don’t you go home and get some real sleep? I’ll call if anything happens”. He composed himself, and then turned to look at Cox. “I’m still trying to comprehend this you know, you, being so nice to him. I’m not sure I completely understand. And I don’t understand why he didn’t think he could tell me what happened. But, right now, I’ll accept the help. Whatever is best for JD. Whatever he needs”. And with that, he opened the door and let himself in.

Cox dropped his head to his knees before gathering the strength to pick himself up off the floor. In any other instance, he might be 6 whiskeys’ deep by now. Can I trust myself to go home and still keep a clear head? He threw his cup out and waited for the elevator doors to open. Yes. He thought, as the doors closed behind him. I have to.

-----

Turk held the door as it closed to make the least amount of noise, and still flinched when it clicked shut.

JD’s eyes shot open, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding once he identified Turk. “Hey Turk” he said groggily.

“Hey Vanilla Bear” There was a long pause as he walked over to the bed and pulled the chair up behind him. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay”. He blinked and looked away.

“He said you threw up again. Is your head still hurting?”

The tear tracks were clear on his face. “It feels like there’s men with jackhammers between my ears”. He hiccuped and squinted as it hurt his ribs. “How much do you know?”

“I know everything buddy. We know it all.”

The silence in the air was heavy. “I’m sorry”.

Turk didn’t understand “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because, because I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought I’d left all of this behind”. The fact he couldn’t gesture to the room and could only manage to wiggle a few of his fingers made him feel even more pathetic. “How am I supposed to do this, like this?”

“It’s okay JD. No one is blaming you, you know that right?” He grasped and tilted JD’s chin so he’d be looking at his face “This isn’t your fault; you know that too right?”

JD hummed and closed his eyes. “Okay”. He felt Turk put a hand on his forehead.

“You feel a little warm. You sure you feel okay?”

For the first time in his adult life, JD didn’t feel like speaking. It was a learned behaviour. Shut-up, behave, and retreat into dissociation. He closed his eyes.

Turk sighed. “JD. Listen. I know, I know I won’t understand. I also know I’m not the best at this, you’re the best at this part. Being there for people, understanding people. And maybe that’s because you felt like no one was ever there for you.” He grabbed the casted hand in his own, “But let us be here for you now. Me, Carla, hell even Dan. We already know. The hard part is over.” He cleared his throat “Let us protect you now.”

JD opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. Licking his lips.

“Okay” He paused. “Okay. But, I need something from you.”

“Anything” he said hopeful.

JD started to cry again. “I want to see my mom.”

“JD, I, I don’t think…”

“I need to speak to her. I need to tell her to go home. I need this to be over. I need to know they aren’t here.” His tears turned into a full on sob, as Turk went in for the hug.

“I’ll see what I can do okay? I can’t make any promises.”

At that moment, Dan wheeled back into the room with 2 smoothies in his lap. “Hey.” He put one in JD’s table. “Coxer texted me. See if he’ll drink this.”

He patted JD’s back. “Hey buddy?” He moved the smoothie to in front of him and popped the straw inside. “Can you try a little of this?” Why am I speaking to him like he’s a child? “If you don’t start getting some nutrients, they’re going to have to NG tube you.”

“This isn’t fair.”

“I know little brother. I know.” He took a drink of his own smoothie. “You’re not alone this time. Your family is here, the one you want, the one you deserve.” He paused “You didn’t deserve the one you were given”. Dan wheeled to the other side of the bed and took his other hand. “I love you.”

JD’s eyes looked up to meet his. Never once in his life, had someone in his family said that. Not when they tucked him in at night. Not when he was hurt. Not when they were assaulting him. He sucked in a breath at the memories, pushing them aside.

“I’m sorry Dan. I’m not sure I can do this.”

“Then let us do it for you. Let me do this for you. I swear JD, I won’t walk away from you. I won’t leave you behind.”

JD did his best to squeeze his fingers. “Thank you.”

Dan and Turk made eyes over JD’s body. They were both nervous. About what had happened, what would happen, and who JD would turn into.

Turk broke the silence by lifting up the smoothie to JD’s lips. “Drink.”

Chapter Text

"You know we can't stop him if that's what he wants. He'll find a way to do it himself" Turk pressed his palms flat against the desk.

Cox had come back early that evening, freshly shaven and in new clothes. He wasn't sure when the next time he'd be able to go home would be, so there was a duffel bag in his office. He'd asked for an update before Gandhi left, so here he was, reviewing his chart and receiving the drama about how the afternoon had gone.

"Did he really only manage half the smoothie?"

"Are you even listening to me? He asked to see his mom. The woman is completely unhinged. He's out of his mind, and you're worried about what he's been eating?"

Cox could tell Turk was exhausted. "Listen, I'll talk to him about it, alright?" he flipped the file closed. "If he doesn't improve at all, we can start to use it as leverage."

"Are you insane?" Turk stood "He cried all day. I've never seen him this broken." He was basically yelling now "And he's not fooling me when he says it's from the pain."

Cox let the silence fall. If he was honest with himself, he would've loved the chance to meet his father as an adult, and really slug him one. See him fallback in surprise. "Baldy, I'm going to say this only once. What JD is going through, it's not something you're going to understand. You love your parents, your parents love you." He looked directly at him, stern eyes "I get where he's coming from"

And with that, it was out in the open, why Cox was being so nice. Why he understood, why he was taking it to heart. Sure, Turk had assumed. He'd heard rants about thrown bottles and burn marks, not to mention the aggressive attitude. But underneath, maybe, that's where the doctor in him laid. Somewhere there was a part of him who wanted to help people.

Turk took a moment to compose himself "He asked to up his meds again. He's hiding."

"They won't up them unless I give the okay, I'm not worried about it."

"You should be". And with that, he got up and left for the night. Leaving the door open so Cox could watch him go.

What am I going to do with you kid.

-----

Dan was never good at silence. Maybe that's why he became a bartender, it was never silent. "You know they're probably only keeping me here to keep you company at this point? You know that right?"

JD knew that, logically. Dan was taking up a bed, they'd be forced to let him go soon. Tears sprung to his eyes again I'm so tired "I don't want you to go".

"I won't" He looked at him. The statement meaning more than just not leaving him in the hospital. He repeated it again, more confident "I won't".

The door opened suddenly and JD twitched when Cox appeared. "How's the sleepover so far? What color did you decide to paint your nails? And might I say, these nightgowns are the ugliest shade of blue I've ever seen"

The faintest smile appeared at the corner of JD's mouth before Dan spoke "Coxer, nice to see you."

"Your beard is gone" JD spoke softly.

"Play your cards right, and I'll have Carla come take care of yours too" he tilted his patients face up to check the nicks and scratches. Feeling his head to check for swelling "Healing up okay. It's nice to see the other doctors didn't kill you while I was gone"

"You left?" Why did I just sound so scared?

"Yeah Newbie. I did. I needed to get some things." He put a bag on the bed that JD never noticed he brought in with him. "Your wife also dropped off a few things for you."

He hummed a sigh of contentment. "Are there socks in there?"

Cox opened up the bag and dug around before finding what he wanted and flipped up the end of the bed sheets. Putting the socks on JD's feet "Your feet are cold because you aren't eating"

"Those things aren't related"

"I know, but I needed to make sure your brain was still working" he huffed before working on the other foot "Dan, have you been out of this room since this morning?"

"No." He replied wearily.

"Take a walk"

"But.." He started to protest.

"Bup bup. It wasn't a question." He tucked the blankets back where they belonged.

Dan looked at his brother nervously before getting out of bed. Cox threw him one of his brother's sweatshirts from the bag and he pulled it on over his hospital gown. "Good luck buddy". He limped out slowly, not wanting to take the chair this time. "I'll be back in 30" Not sure if he was telling his brother, or warning Dr. Cox. He pulled the door shut on his way out.

Silence fell between them.

"You're not going to let them, are you?"

"No JD, I'm not"

"You're not my doctor you know, you don't have any authority to tell them that."

"Do you really want me to stop looking after you Dorothy?"

There was a pause before a quiet "No."

"Thought so". He came around and sat down in the wheelchair so he'd have a better foot rest. "Now do you want to tell me the truth while he's gone? Or lie to me like you have been to everyone else?"

"I want to see her, so I can tell her to go home"

"And?"

"And what? That's all. I feel sick knowing they're so close to me. I can't even close my eyes. I'm exhausted. You want me to get better? I can't do that knowing they're here."

"And?"

"I'm not playing this game!" Throwing his arms up. Surprised as anyone when they came up off the bed.

Cox didn't look as shocked, but he did get up and started adjusting the bed so it was laying flat. He took one of JD's arms and holding one wrist and his shoulder, started slowly moving it up and down like a water-pump. "This hurt at all?"

"No"

"You're not lying to me?"

"No".

"I think your problem is psychosomatic there Newbie". He followed suit with the other arm watching JD's face for any signs of distress.

"That's not possible."

"I want you to try something for me, okay?" He took a t-shirt out of the bag and folded it into a blindfold. "Close your eyes".

JD looked at him skeptically. He felt gross. He hadn't showered, he felt very sweaty all of the sudden.

"You need tough love, the kind Dan can't give you. Now close your eyes" as he laid the shirt softly over his face.

I don't like this. "I don't like this".

"Tough" he put a hand on JD's chest unexpectedly "move my hand".

He gasped a little and bit his lip, memories immediately assaulted him. He's not him and I'm not there. I'm not there.

"You're right, you're not there. You're right here" he pushed down a little harder "now move my hand".

Did I say that out loud? "Please stop".

"No" Cox softened his voice. "I want you to take a second. I want you to do whatever you need to do, go to your fantasy land. Hell Veronica I don't care, but you need to get out of your head."

JD breathed slowly. Okay. Okay. I can do that. I did that for years, I can do that. He breathed again, in slowly, out slowly. Concentrating on being a doctor. You're a doctor, you're a doctor who helps people. Help yourself. You're a grown man whose scared of someone that hurt you a long time ago. You're in the hospital because of a car accident. Not because he put you here. His mind wandered to the 'put you here'.

Cox could feel the heartbeat increase beneath his hand. "How are you doing in there?" As he spoke the body beneath him startled.

"I'm, I'm okay" Not there, you are here. You are in a bed, with Dr. Cox. In a bed with Dr. Cox, that's funny. And with that, JD felt his arm come up and link fingers with the hand above him. He snapped his head up, and opened his eyes, forgetting about the shirt over them. And felt the pressure on his chest decrease.

"Perfect. I'm still concerned about your hand, but a little less concerned about you". Cox gently squeezed the hand he held. "Seeing your mom is going to set you back. I'm not allowing it".

He dropped his head back down to the mattress in defeat. Flinching slightly when he felt hands through his hair. He reached up slowly and pulled down the blindfold looking Cox in the face. I resign. "I can't do this without your help"

"I didn't hear myself say I wasn't going to"

"Please, if you won't let them come here so I can tell them, you have to let Dan. I can't go home, knowing they're here, waiting for me. Because he is. Duncan is, relentless". He took a beat to disconnect himself. "If he's made a decision to come and see me, he won't leave until he sees me".

Cox answered with nothing but a hum. He didn't want to interrupt if JD wasn't done.

"Did you see him? When he was here?"

"Yes"

"Please don't let him see me. I can't. I couldn't take it. I'd rather die." He wiped his own eye, feeling his own face with his hand. Trembling.

Cox pulled his hand down and started straightening and curling the fingers. "I already told you, I took a leave of absence." JD winced on the straightening so he slowed down the motions "Someone's always here, Doctor's orders".

JD stared at the door. "I often wonder why me and not Dan, but truthfully, he would've broken." He sighed, "He wouldn't have let this happen."

Cox cleared his throat. "You know, sometimes I egged my old man on. As I got older. I wanted to prove to him how tough I was. I often just ended up being thrown across the room with a cigarette put out on my skin". He absently scratched the inside of his elbow. "But one time, I got a good solid hit across the face. And it felt good. Until he shoved me into the glass coffee table. I picked glass out of my side for days."

He adjusted the bed so JD was sitting up again.

"I need you to look at me while I say this."

JD turned. He looked absolutely pathetic, hair stuck to his face, bags under his eyes. I don't think I've ever seen him look this tired.

"This is not your fault. This is not something you can change by being good. You cannot change them by making them proud. You cannot change them by changing yourself. You cannot change what happened." He looked harder and held the sides of JD's face. He looks so small. "You did nothing wrong. You're a good kid JD. You don't deserve to be treated this way, and you don't deserve to treat yourself the way you are now."

JD searched Cox's face for any sign of mistrust. Any sign of dishonesty. Any sign of… What am I doing? "Thank you"

"You're welcome" he threw the shirt back over JD's eyes. "Now sleep. You look awful. You're going to scare the other patients tomorrow when you walk around." He sat down in the wheelchair and picked up his crossword from the table. "I'm here. Dan counts as at least half a person. Carla's on shift tonight. You need sleep. Tomorrow's a big day, a field trip to an actual bathroom".

Chapter Text

"Door and back. Just the door and back." Cox had one arm around JD's middle while JD held the other. Dan stood on the other side looking absolutely terrified. He rolled his eyes. Pathetic.

Dr. Cox had arranged for a different doctor to remove the catheter. It was one thing to cut off all his clothes when JD wasn't awake. It was another when he'd remember it. He wanted to punish him, sure, but not cause him mental anguish.

"I can't do this" JD spoke softly as pain radiated through his body. Just standing up felt like he'd be crushed into the floor.

"Yes you can. Door and back." But as they took the first 1 inch step, the door had never seemed so far away.

JD trembled the whole way, inch by inch. He was starting to sweat. Dan pushed his IV pole along behind him. He touched the doorknob like he'd crossed a finish line. He felt like he wanted to vomit. They'd already walked to the bathroom earlier in the day. He had been surprised he'd been left alone to pee. Sitting down was the first time he'd been alone in days. When he looked up and saw himself in the mirror, he hardly recognized himself. It'd only been days, but he already looked emaciated.

Cox saw his face pale. "Get the chair Dan".

Dan just stared at him like he was speaking another language.

"The chair Dan. Now. God" Dan scrambled away, "being trapped with you two will be the death of me".

He eased JD down slowly. Putting a basin in front of him. "You can't throw up, you haven't eaten. It'd honestly be a miracle." JD dry heaved and Cox put a hand on JD's forehead. "Scale of 1-10"

JD looked at him, unable to even gather his thoughts. Taking a couple slow concentrated breaths "25. I want to die." He couldn't even hold his head up anymore and leaned into Cox's hand with his eyes closed.

"Ok Sandy, up we go" When did we get back to the bed? Cox lifted him from the chair to the bed while Dan moved the IV line about. "Try not to remember this moment, I don't need you having any more fantasies". The lack of response worried him. "JD?"

"I can't"

"I know." He checked the chart at the end of the bed and opened the door while demanding attention with a whistle. He had the doctor write something on their pad and then headed out the door leaving JD and Dan behind.

By the time Cox returned, his teeth were chattering because he felt so sick. He felt something cool hit the inner crook of his elbow and then felt a needle enter his skin.

"Name?"

"Tramadol"

His breath hitched and his body tensed.

"Relax. You need sleep." He put the finger pulse back on JD while he slowly administered the drugs. "It's going to take a few minutes" he nodded at Dan and looked down, and surprisingly Dan understood, grabbing JD's hands.

"I'm not tired."

"Then just close your eyes and pretend". And just like that, JD was out.

"If only you pretended to do everything this well." A pained look crossed Cox's face as he discarded the needle and wrote more notes down in the chart. "He's going to be out for a while" he put the chart back and looked at Dan "and we need to talk"

-----

"I said I'd talk to them, alright?"

"And I said I want to be there."

He looked around the cafeteria for a distraction. They'd left Elliot on babysitting duty while they were gone. "You don't believe me?"

"No Dan, I don't. The kid's been let down 100 times already, he can't be let down one more time. I said that I want to be there, I'm going to be there".

"I'm not going to be able to convince mom to come alone. You know that right? He's going to come. And I'm going to have to look the monster in the face. The monster that's done" he waved his hands in the air "that to my brother".

"I don't know why neither of you can say it. But go ahead princess, wave over the fact that he abused your brother." He was getting annoyed and put down his coffee. "I won't change my mind".

Dan pulled the hood of his sweatshirt further in front of his face but kept his eyes on the person sitting across from him. He wasn't as stupid as people thought he was. "What's your interest with my brother?"

Cox's eyes narrowed. He chewed on his thoughts for a minute. "I think your brother could be one of the best doctors in this place" his face softened "and I don't want to see him fail. That's all."

Dan eyed him suspiciously "You're being awfully nice to a kid you usually treat like garbage". He instantly regretted the statement seeing the other man's rage expose itself.

"There's a lot you don't know Dan" he started to stand, "now call you mom and figure it out" as he started back, presumably to JD's room.

Dan opened his phone, sighed, and dialed. "Hey mom. Yea, I know. We need to talk about that."

-----

Elliot laid in Dan's bed while he was gone, she was tired. With JD and Cox out, there were more patients to cover, but she wasn't going to complain. JD was alive, he looked like a mess, but alive. She watched him breathe. His chest rising gently. She wanted nothing more than to hear his voice tease her, and then tell her it's going to be okay. It felt like their intern days, struggling, but this time it felt like they were both struggling on their own.

How long would it be before he was running with her through these halls? She tucked her hair behind her ear. Stay strong, you've got this. Determined to keep faith, she sat up and straightened herself out. Getting out of bed, she walked over and gently kissed him on the forehead. "I'll be back later. I miss you". He was never going to answer, but it felt weird to leave without saying goodbye. What if he died and I didn't get to say goodbye? Stop it. Don't do that. She sighed. Then took a deep breath in and opened the door to the world that didn't stop to wait for her.

-----

Cox came back to an empty room Dammit Barbie, we said not alone! As much as he wanted to, he couldn't hate her for it. He knew what his absence was causing. A rift of overflow. He felt JD's forehead, wiggling his head a little bit. Dead to the world, perfect.

He eyed the door before taking JD's hand in his own. "I'd trade places with you if I could, you know." He put his other hand on the sleeping chest. Feeling the air fill the lungs relieved his anxiety. "I'm never sure what to say in these times. You were always the bigger talker. Just, come back to me, so we can start over."

He sat down and put his feet up on the bed. Settling in for the night.

It was already dark when he heard the door open and Dan walked in. Has he been gone this whole time? "What's happening there Priscilla?"

Dan looked up. "She's going to come tomorrow." He bit his lip while his breath hitched "I told her I'd meet her outside once I break out of jail." He walked over to the bed and sat down tiredly. He sounded exhausted at this point, his emotions getting the better of him. "I really didn't know how bad it was at the time, you have got to believe me." He looked at JD "How'd he hide it from me? Why'd he hide it from me? I would have helped him. I wouldn't have known how, but I would have tried. We could have done it together."

Tears, Cox's true kryptonite. "He wanted to protect you" adding underneath his breath "He wants to protect everyone."

"But that's not fair, he doesn't get to make that call."

"Life's not fair Dan, get over it".

Silence enveloped the room while they both took in the sight in front of them. Their brother, their protege, their friend, being swallowed up by hurt and defeat.

"Hey Cox?"

He opened his eyes and saw Dan motion over to the bed. A wet spot had formed in the center. You cannot catch a break. "It's a good thing, he's finally getting sleep, the kind he needs." He stood up and threw some gloves on. "I'll take care of it, but could you just…" he trailed off hoping he'd get the point.

Dan threw the covers over his head. Cox swore he could hear quiet sobs while he pulled the covers back and started to clean him up. If he slept through that, he'll sleep through this. Getting a new gown from the closet, he stripped him down, keeping the old gown over his middle for modesty. He doesn't need to feel like I'm taking away all his choices. Hell Newbie. He sighed, some of the stitches looked raw, too much moving around. Maybe he was trying to rush him too fast. He needs independence, he needs to feel in control. I need to feel in control. And just like that, all of the anger bubbled to the surface. All the waiting, all of the sadness, all of the hatred.

He finished cleaning him up and changing his clothes. Sliding a pair of shorts up underneath his gown. He'll have a nurse change the bedding. "I'm going for a walk". The body underneath the cover stiffened. He didn't wait for a response from Dan before he left.

-----

"His sheets are all changed. You know we could've cleaned Bambi up for you".

Cox didn't respond from the bench he was sitting on. Staring straight ahead into the parking lot.

Carla sat down, and stared straight ahead too. "Do you love him?"

Cox's body physically tightened, but he remained silent.

"Because as I see it, he doesn't come home every night. He never says where he goes, and Turk, he's not going to notice when he teases JD about it. But I do." She looked at him "It's not a woman he's staying with, is it?"

He turned his head to face away from her "We weren't going to say anything. I'm not taking that choice away from him."

"Is that his choice, or yours?"

"He's been through enough Carla." He practically barked at her. Taking a breath to remain stable "Yes, I do".

"Is he happy? Are you happy?"

"Calmer than I've been in a long time".

"Then that's all I needed to know." She held his hand. "Listen, I won't say anything. This is you and JD's decision. But you need to keep your anger in check."

"Why do you think I'm out here?!" He looked up "The kid's been thrown around enough in his lifetime, he doesn't need me to do it too. I can't be what he deserves." He looked down at Carla's hand. "I don't know how to be the person he needs right now."

Carla nudged him with her shoulder. When he didn't turn she started speaking anyway. "Don't you even think of giving up on him now. You're exactly what he needs. You're strong, he needs that. He needs someone who understands him. All of him." He turned to look at her "And he understands you. He knows who you are. Don't lose that". She kissed his cheek before she got up. "I'm happy for you, I am". but as she walked away she added "But if you hurt my Bambi, I'll hurt you."

Chapter Text

JD woke up for the first time feeling better than before. He couldn't tell what time it was, but based on the deepening shadow on Cox's face probably the next day. He turned his face to get a better look, head resting on the back of the chair, legs up on the bed that cannot be comfortable.

"Hey Perry?" He cleared his throat and tried again "Dr. Cox?"

Cox's head jerked up and he turned to JD meeting his eyes and rested face "Don't do that Charlotte. Jesus." He moved his feet to the floor and rubbed the back of his neck, softening his facial features "how are you feeling?"

"Better. I think." He faltered and took stock of himself.

Dan had gone to eat one more time before his discharge. He was convinced that Dan was still feeling guilty and was avoiding his brother. The meeting for this afternoon in both their minds. Cox took JD's hand and started the finger stretches again. "Any pain? The swelling's gone down substantially".

"Some." He pulled his hand away "I don't want to talk about that".

Cox gently took the hand back but instead of exercise, he just held it, rubbing circles over his fingers with his thumb.

"I'm scared".

"There's no reason to be."

"I miss you"

"I haven't left"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it." He sighed "What's going to happen? With us?"

Cox looked at him hard. He'd been thinking about this ever since the conversation with Carla. "Move in with me."

JD stared at him. I can't have heard that right. "What?"

"You're going to need more help. I took the leave. Stay with me. At least until you're better." He looked down "I'm not good at this JD. Don't make me say it."

And with that, he wouldn't. He knew what he meant, underneath the emotional unavailability "Okay".

"Good." He squeezed his hand. "And since we're in the realm of honesty, I'm meeting with Dan and your mom today."

"No." He'd never spit an answer with such conviction.

"No choice Hannah". He put on a stern voice and tightened the grip on his hand "I want to know what I'm up against. I want to know that when we go home at night, they aren't coming."

JD had never thought about that. What if they did stay, what if they did come to the apartment, what if they… He felt a hand touch his face.

"Hey, don't do that." Cox rubbed the crease forming on his forehead. "It's fine, okay. You're fine, I'm fine, Dan's an idiot but he'll be fine". He paused. "You know, when I think about what they did to you" JD cringed "I'm surprised. You're not like me, you know? You're not jaded and hardened around the edges. You want to believe in people. You want to see the good in people. You're the exact opposite of everything that should have made you. You're good. Too good. For me."

JD stared at him. This was as kind and emotional as he was going to ever receive. Don't mess this up."You're good too. You just don't think you are."

"Newbie I am a God in this hellhole"

"You know that's not what I'm saying, why do you always have to do that?" He sighed. "How will you look at me again? Knowing what they did to me? Knowing, knowing someone else got here first? Do you know how humiliated I am?"

He held the side of JD's face. "That's not humiliation, that's shame. You know that." He brushed his cheek with his thumb. He missed this, the two of them, alone. "Listen, if you really don't want me to go, I won't. But how can I protect you if I don't know what's going on? I don't expect you to tell me." He stopped, the next part would be hard. "I know I'd never tell you. But I need to know, so I can help you. I need you to tell me", you can do this, "what you're feeling."

"I feel, bad"

"I don't know why, I"

JD interrupted him "No. You don't understand."

He scoffed "Try me"

"I just feel, bad." panic was growing inside of him. I can't do this "I need to get up."

"You haven't been up in a day, it's normal to feel" He was cut off again.

"No. I need to get up. Let me up." He started turning quickly, his head spinning. "Help me up"

Cox was worried, this wasn't like him. "Take it easy, you still haven't eaten. Which you need…"

"Bathroom, now, please". He started to stand up and felt clothes under his gown. "Am I wearing shorts?" He was practically panting as they walked the few steps to the bathroom. His head swam from the lack of control. "Did you do this?"

"Yes, JD I…"

JD closed the door behind him as he slid into the tiny bathroom alone.

"JD, I, you know I, hell kid, let me in"

"No. Please just go away. Please just give me a minute. Please." He couldn't stand anymore and sat on the toilet seat. Cringing as his stitches pulled and ribs ached against the movement. Breathe, just breathe. "Please."

"I'm not leaving, I'll be right here". Cox slid down the other side of the door before hearing the sobs he'd expected. He'd never felt more helpless.

—-

When the sobs subsided, Cox knocked on the door. Listening had broken him, inside and out. He wanted nothing more than to punch something, or someone "Let me in." adding a "please" so it didn't seem so aggressive.

JD wiped his face with the washcloth. "Okay."

Cox had to stop himself from scrambling inside. Calm. Opening the door slowly, unsure of what he'd find, he looked at the sight in front of him. Tear tracks stained his face. He thought he couldn't look worse before, but he was wrong. He knelled down in front of him "You are the strongest person I know. But if you keep shutting me out, I can't help you. Let people help you." He touched JD's hair as he cringed away.

Cox stood up and took the washcloth from JD, wetting in the sink, letting the warm water run while rubbing some soap into it. "Take the gown off, you can leave the shorts on".

JD silently did as he was told and slid his arms out, letting it fall to his sides. He stared down at all the cuts on his body. Touching some of them softly.

Cox started with his face "Close your eyes and look up" taking his chin in his hand. And in the most gentle and unexpected way, a way that only JD would know, washed his face.

JD started to cry. Why am I this emotional?

And as if his mentor heard him, he answered "You're exhausted. And you need to eat" picking up one of his arms and soaping it down.

JD had yet to open his eyes, so he didn't look at Cox when he stopped rubbing and instead felt a hand on the side of his face. He didn't even open his eyes when he suddenly felt a kiss against his forehead.

"We've been over this. You need to eat. If you don't keep something down, I'll have to NG you later today. I don't want to do that. IV fluid isn't enough. You're killing yourself."

When he opened his eyes and looked at him, he saw it. For the first time since working with him, he saw genuine fear. He tried to commit it to memory. Someone was scared he might die.

Cox started to wash his other arm, unable to look him in the eye. "Can you turn a little? I'll get your back".

He did the best he could to turn in the tiny space. The cloth against his back felt like a dream. He let out a sigh.

He was being a coward at that moment, he knew. Turning him around so he didn't have to look at him while vulnerable. By the time he tapped JD's shoulder to turn back, he'd composed himself. An "I'm sorry" breaking him out of his thoughts. What? "What was that?"

"I said I was sorry."

"Maryann what can you possibly need to be sorry for"

"This. The whole thing. This was not what I wanted. I…" he was silenced, with a hug. It wasn't long, but he felt what he needed to feel. Someone cares. Someone loves me.

"You ever apologize for something so stupid again, and I'll…"

JD squeezed him back. "Thank you".

—-

By the time Dan returned, JD was tucked back into bed. The whole morning ordeal had taken a lot out of him. He was still awake, but on his last leg trying to keep down a juice and a jello. Both sat half finished in front of him while his anxiety protested. Cox was trying not to look worried while reading some medical files.

"Hey Johnny" he walked over. Limp almost gone, just a sling keeping his shoulder from jostling too much was the only remaining evidence.

"Hey" a soft reply as JD stared at his food tray.

Dan sighed. Just rip the band-aid off . "Mom's coming."

"I know. Cox told me."

Cox didn't look up from his files as Dan stared at him, he wanted to give them the illusion of privacy.

"Listen, I didn't want to have to do this. But he's right, you know, what if they come back another time. Chris is worried they might come to your apartment." He paused, and fiddled with his hands in his pockets like he wasn't sure what to do with them "I'm worried about you."

"No one was worried before". JD instantly regretted saying it. Cox cringed, and Dan stood guiltily. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

"No, no. You're right." He looked at his brother "but let me help you now." He paced back and forth "I can't live like this. Pulled between both sides. I'm taking your side. You know that right? I'll always take your side. If you had told me, I would've taken your side sooner." He pulled up a chair. "She's coming soon. I told her I'd meet her outside. She'll probably bring him. She doesn't go anywhere without him. I'm worried I won't even be able to look at them to have this conversation." He composed his thoughts for a second "Am I like them? Do you think of me the same way?" Everything out of his mouth sounded scattered and disconnected.

JD didn't know what to say. Maybe he did sometimes, in the worst moments, but now wasn't the time. "No Dan. You didn't know, and you'd never hurt me" quickly adding "on purpose" after remembering where he was.

Dan nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay." Before he lost his nerve he added quietly "Is there anything you want me to tell them?"

He didn't really need a minute to answer, but didn't want to appear like he had thought about it his whole life. Why me? "All I want is to never see them again." And I wish they were dead. "I want nothing more than to never remember them". His juice felt like it was going to make a return appearance. He closed his eyes. "Just, be careful, okay?"

Cox cleared his throat "we should leave soon." He looked at JD "are you going to be okay alone?"

"It's fine. The people you're scared of, will be with you." He looked at Cox carefully, trust visible in their eyes.

Cox nodded and he followed Dan out of the room. Before exiting he looked back and saw JD mouth the words they'd both felt but never said, 'I love you'. He pulled the door shut behind him.

Maybe if he wasn't so tired. Maybe if he wasn't so distracted. Then maybe he would've seen the man down the hall waiting for them to leave.

Chapter Text

Sitting on a bench outfront, Dan waited. Cox had taken up standing, arms crossed. If looks could kill. "Could you just sit down or something? You're making me nervous."

"I'm making you nervous? Hate to break the news to you, but we're about to have a conversation with the woman who let your brother be assaulted." He couldn't sound more angry even if he wanted to.

Dan visibly curled in on himself "She's still my mom"

Cox rolled his eyes "And JD is still your brother. God Dan, how can you even have empathy for someone who did this?"

"Because he will always love his mom" a woman's voice piped up from behind them.

Cox turned around and glared. He stayed silent, afraid if he spoke he would never stop the anger that poured out. This is for JD, you're just here to listen.

"Hi mom" Dan spoke quietly, it was like he had lost all of his nerve.

"Hi my good son" she responded, before sitting down.

Cox audibly laughed. This was the better son to you? What the hell is wrong with you? He walked further off to the side, keeping within earshot, but far enough away to be alone.

Dan stiffened when he heard the laugh, but took a breath to compose himself "Listen, you need to go home. And you need to do it today." You can say his name "And you need to take Duncan with you".

"I can't do that," she replied.

It wasn't the response, but the way she said it that made Perry's hair stand on end. The monotone, almost hypnotized way she said it.

"This isn't a choice mom. If you don't leave today, JD's going to file a restraining order." He paused to build confidence. "And I'm going to help him." When he saw her roll her eyes he repeated with more force "I will".

She scoffed, "Duncan wants to see your brother. He came all this way. He's not leaving until he gets to say goodbye."

Cox couldn't keep quiet anymore. His gut was an echo chamber. Something was wrong. "If he wanted to see the kid so badly, where is he?" narrowing his eyes at her.

—---

He knew the moment he saw the hand come through the door, that it wasn't someone he loved. And he knew as soon as the door closed behind them, that it was bad. He instantly felt 12 years old again.

"So, you've grown up". Duncan walked closer. "Nothing's changed though, still the same frightened little kid I remember." He took another slow step, enjoying the process "It's been hard without you around. Let's change that today, shall we?"

JD didn't answer, unable to form words. It felt like he'd swallowed his tongue. He couldn't get air into his lungs. He was having a panic attack.

—--

"He's around somewhere. He brought me here". She waved her arms around towards the parking lot. Turning to Dan she spoke kindly "you wouldn't really treat your mom like that, would you?". She went to brush his hair and he pulled away.

"Mom, stop! I came here to protect him from you! And from the garbage you call a husband!" He got up and started angrily pacing "I can't believe you're taking his side, over your own children".

"You aren't children anymore now are you? You can take care of yourselves…" she got cut off.

"So fucking let us!" He screamed at her.

Even Cox stared at him. It was like days of guilt and trauma had carved its way into Dan's psyche and he was exploding at the seams.

"You need to go. You need to go now. Or so help me mom I will call the cops right now." He looked her right in the eyes "If you're going to make me choose, I'm not choosing you."

"Don't worry. Duncan will choose for you." She said coldly.

—---

When he finally gathered his senses, JD tried to push the call button but his hand was ripped away. His sore wrist bending in an excruciating way. Pain shot through his body making him moan.

"There's that sound, that's the one". He pushed a little harder and JD's eyes clenched shut.

"I've missed this," he said, "scaring you. You were always so easy. Helpless." He got closer to his face. "Now how about we make sure you don't tell anyone about this."

JD was so busy trying not to make any noise, he didn't feel the hands around his throat until it was too late.

—---

His body knew right then, "What did you just say?" Cox said.

Barbara stumbled, she hadn't meant to say that. She opened her mouth and then snapped it shut. Staring at Cox before looking away.

He looked straight at her, examining every miniscule movement. She knows something. "Dan, stay!" barking at him like a dog. He turned and sprinted back into the building.

—---

"I've missed this." He said, nodding towards the body in front of him.

Duncan put his hands around JD's neck "I'm sorry it had to end this way, you should've just stayed. You were never going to make it out from under me. I'll make sure of it."

JD couldn't breathe. He tried to pull away. His limbs protested. He was in so much pain. His hands clawing at the arms in front of him. His vision was darkening.

—--

Ripping open the door to the hospital, he'd never run so fast. Sprinting through the halls, he couldn't think of anything else. Pure adrenaline and anxiety coursing through his veins. If anyone stands in my way, lord help me.

—--

Turk had just arrived at the nurses station. "Hey, how's it…" he trailed off and stopped talking as he saw Dr Cox run by further down the hall. What is he doing? Absentmindedly he checked his beeper to make sure there were no immediate pages he'd missed before leaning back from the counter and silently walking away.

Carla had missed Cox running behind her, but could tell something was wrong based on Turk's behaviour. "Turk? Baby?"

Turk didn't respond. His head was elsewhere now. She wanted to follow, but as another doctor handed her files and started speaking, she fell behind.

—--

I'm going to die here. I tried. I really did. Perry you have got to believe me. His arms were growing tired. His airway was blocked for too long, brain firing on all cylinders all at once. He couldn't pick one thought from another.

"You've made a mess boy. A big mess. I'm not cleaning it up again. I need you gone. So your mom and I can just move on. You're always holding us behind." He was pressing so hard on JD's throat, he could see the finger marks it was leaving behind. A kind of joy sparked in him. The kind he hadn't felt in a long time.

—--

He was out of breath, but he could see the door now. I swear to God JD if I've missed you, I'll never forgive myself. He pushed himself and slammed through the hospital room door.

—--

Upon entering the room, rage brewed inside of him. He locked eyes on Duncan and an unresponsive JD and tore into the man like it was a cage fighting match. Barrelling into him, shoving him as hard as he could into the wall. Duncan had reached out to block himself causing medical stands to collide into them as they fell to the ground.

Duncan managed to keep a hold of JD, taking him with him by the neck until he was forced to let go. Grunting as he was pushed back. Shoving back with the same force.

JD slumped partially off the bed, his torso and head hanging limply. Arms dangling towards the floor. He remained motionless.

Cox could not let go now. Anger seeped through his veins. All the times he couldn't punch his own father, giving him renewed life. I will beat this man to a corpse. Duncan tried to get up as he swung hard, landing a hit to Duncan's face, dropping him to the ground a second time. Before getting on top of him. "What's it like when someone fights back?" he screamed at the man below him.

At this point there was so much commotion security was dispatched. The room erupted in further commotion. Cox didn't hear anything as he was pulled off the other man's bleeding face. Still swinging as two sets of arms pulled him away.

Seeing the chaos in the room, Turk immediately ran to JD. He called his name a few times but when he never got a response, he started to panic. Feeling his limp body for a pulse.

Cox didn't hear anything while he was in such an aggressive state until Turk said "he's not breathing". Then everything silenced.

Turk had pulled JD the rest of the way to the floor. Checking his airway, seeing the marks around his neck. Without even thinking about it, his training started immediately, as he started CPR. Chest compressions, air in lungs, repeat.

Cox had scrambled away from security. He was positive his nose was bleeding as he wiped it on his sleeve. He slid down next to JD and grabbed his hand. Watching Turk breathe life into him. "I swear to you JD. Don't do this to me!" It was taking everything in him not to push Turk out of the way, but the doctor in him knew it'd be better to let him continue.

Turk moved to do more chest compressions when a gasp came from the body below him. Opening his eyes, JD looked like a wild animal. He tried to back away from them, clawing at them both like he didn't even recognize them. His broken body trying to slide away from them on the floor. Legs pushing and kicking at anything within reach.

Cox grabbed both of JD's arms to protect everyone involved. "JD! JD it's me. Slow down. Hey. It's just me." He couldn't get him to understand. "Please stop!" He held him tighter, lifting him into a sitting position and holding him tight to his chest. He'd keep being hit forever if it meant JD was still breathing.

Gasps of air were all that were managing to come out. Throwing punches at whatever was holding him. Until he felt it. The calloused palms, the specific smell of aftershave. He slowed down his punches, and looked at the shoulders in front of him. You know these. He stopped trying to protect himself, and instead gripped on tighter to the one thing protecting him. Curling in on himself when he saw Duncan in the background being put into handcuffs by security.

Turk was silently crying at this point. The room was a mess. Bedsheets thrown about. Equipment tipped over. Duncan was still screaming at security as they pulled him upright. He looked over at his best friend as he was holding onto Cox like his life depended on it. What is even happening anymore? He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Carla. A worried look on her face.

Not to say that everything else in the hospital had stopped, but it felt like it had. The commotion was so loud that it got everyone's attention. Since it was JD's room, Carla was notified immediately. The nursing staff knew who would need to be there. She had never moved so fast, her mind filled with worst case scenarios. By the time she got to the room, it was chaos. Screaming, crying, fighting, she'd seen JD trying to fight Turk, and that man trying to fight security. She already felt like she hadn't slept in days and now it felt like she'd never sleep again.

JD had pain everywhere. Once his brain started to catch up to his body, all he felt was pain. His grip on Cox loosened and Cox immediately started to push him away from his chest so he could check him over. He looked up to face him, tears streaking down both their eyes.

Cox gently grabbed his hands, swelling had already started. We'll need to re-splint these, check for any breaks. He then grabbed JD's face with both his hands, his eyes searching his face for any harm. He lifted JD's face gently, examining the bruising on his neck, already red and angry. At that sight, he couldn't hold back anymore, and he let JD see him cry. Angry, sad, tears, for the first time since all of this happened. He sobbed. And pulled JD close to him, if nothing else, than for the reassurance that he was still here. Alive. He's alive.

Duncan screamed as they tore him out of the room "I'll kill him! I swear. He should've died years ago!" Any reservations he had, any self preservation to remain innocent was gone, years of build up without release and his one moment was ruined.

Carla and Turk watched as Cox pulled JD into him. Pulling him close and carding his hand through his hair. The other hand on the small of his back. If Carla hadn't known before, she'd know now. There was no denying that Cox loved him, it was written on his face, in his tears, in his body language. She let a couple tears fall too.

Turk on the other hand was both surprised, but relieved. A silent language held between them "JD?" Are you okay?

JD gave the tiniest of nods without looking up.

"Do you want…" Turk said out loud, leaving the 'to move' left unsaid.

JD shook his head no. Closing his eyes and breathing in the person he loved. Thank you. Until he sharply breathed in when he couldn't get a full breath.

Cox pulled back from him again quickly before sitting JD down on the floor and kneeling in front of him "Can we get ice packs!" He pushed JD's head up "we need to keep the swelling down so your throat doesn't swell". At least 2 other staff who'd silently slid into the room, departed at light speed.

Duncan had finally been pulled away far enough you couldn't hear him screaming, and the room felt deathly quiet all of the sudden. The weight of what just happened dawning on all of them. Turk and Cox had just saved JD's life.

Chapter Text

JD was back in bed. Three hours later you'd never even know anything happened. The room had been tidied and put back together. The blood mopped up off the floor.

They'd taken him down for x-rays, his wrist now broken and in a purple cast. Cox could still hear JD crying when he had to be left alone for the x-ray. I'll be five steps away. The tears killed him. He'd almost demanded they do the x-rays with him inside the room. Since then, he hadn't left his side. Not when JD's eyes started to close, not when he opened them up again in a panic, and not when he reached out for his hand to soothe his anxiety.

Cox smoothed JD's hair down, gently massaging his scalp with his fingers. The creases softening on JD's sleeping face. Cox had requested the nasal cannula back, to ensure enough oxygen was being taken in. A soft ice pack laid over his throat. The bruising already looked bad against his pale skin. Peeking out from under the pack, black hand marks had started to form. He'd also arranged with nurses that pictures be taken every hour. This wouldn't be something that was up for discussion, pressing charges, and Cox wanted all the evidence he could have since there wasn't any from before.

Cox had started to nod off when Turk came in. "Take a break man, I've got this." Cox eyed him "It's okay to take a minute for yourself, he's okay". Cox turned back to JD and silently pulled his hand out from the sleeping grasp. Getting up from the chair and heading to the bathroom.

Turk took his place in the chair and rested his elbows on his knees. This has been the wildest week I think I'll ever live. "I love you JD, I don't think I tell you that enough". He took his hand "You deserve so much better. Your real family is here now, we've got your back".

It was at this moment Dan shuffled back in. He looked worse for wear, basically collapsing into the other bed that had thankfully remained empty. He laid on his back, staring at the ceiling in silence.

Cox came out of the bathroom in a quiet rush, still paranoid about anyone entering the room. Upon seeing Dan, his tension eased slightly. "Dan". Acknowledging him, and letting his presence be known. Dan turned to him, he looked like the shell of the man he'd known even a week ago.

He shut his eyes momentarily, before looking at Cox and Turk both "Thank you". He swallowed hard, before turning back to the ceiling. "They booked them. They booked them both. They're holding mom for 24 hours until they can talk to JD, and Duncan" he paused, taking in what he was about to say "was arrested for attempted murder".

"Good," Cox said, before looking at JD. The gravity that his own parents had just tried to kill him filled the room.

Police had already come to take their statements. The only one they got nothing from yet, was JD. He had pointed and wrote down that his throat hurt too badly to speak, and was honestly too overwhelmed and tired to keep writing or trying. They were sympathetic, and explained they'd come back the next day. Cox was sure they were still interviewing witnesses in the hospital now, but he was also sure that JD was trying to dissociate from the whole experience.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore. This is crazy." Dan sighed. He was just so tired, he felt like he could sleep for days.

"If you give up on him now Dan, he'll never forgive you". Cox said coldly.

Dan started to cry "I know. He deserves better than me. He deserves you."

He wasn't sure if it was the emotional battle of the past week, the adrenaline wearing off from today, or the fear that JD wouldn't make it through yet another loss. But Turk got up from his chair, sat on the bed, and pulled Dan into a hug. "He needs you. I promise."

Cox stood awkwardly. He wasn't entirely sure that was true. Sure, he wanted JD to have a family, but he couldn't help but think that it might be easier if he just cut them all off. Although that wasn't going to be his decision to make.

Once Dan's tears had stopped. Turk pulled back. "I'm going to take you home Dan. You can stay in JD's room." He started standing up. "I need real sleep" he looked at Dr Cox "and so do you"

Cox shook his head. He wasn't leaving.

Truthfully, Turk didn't expect him to say yes. Him being nice was his gentleman's way of trying to say that he was okay with what was happening. Although still upset that JD didn't tell him, and confused by how it happened, it all made sense now. He stood up and grabbed Dan by the arm. "We'll be back in the morning." They both started walking towards the door but suddenly Dan stopped and said "call me, if he needs anything?"

Cox just nodded and looked at the chair. Maybe I'll take the other bed.

—-—-

JD didn't wake until the following morning. Someone had taken the ice pack off during the night. He swallowed consciously, and could feel the tightness in his throat. His eyes looked around and he noticed the empty chair, before looking further to the other bed and seeing what he was looking for. I love you.

He sat up and took the oxygen off. Taking a couple deep breaths on his own. He turned to swing his feet over the edge. Sliding down until his feet hit the floor. Like the real bambi, he walked across to the other bed before pausing to really look at him. Cox looked exhausted, even in his sleep. He'd never seen him look so disheveled in public. Or in sweatpants, at least not outside of home.

JD wanted so badly to be held, to feel love. He timidly got a little closer before sliding into the bed and curling into his side. Cox woke up as JD got in, but tried not to move. He didn't want JD to know he was awake. But once he felt JD at his side, head resting on his chest, he couldn't help but wrap his arm around him. He closed his eyes, soaking it in. The bed felt impossibly small for two grown men, but it also felt just right.

JD knew Cox was awake the moment he started carding a hand through his hair. He may tease me about it, but he sure likes to touch it. He sighed. "what should I do?" He whispered.

Cox didn't answer. He just pushed a little harder with his fingers to let him know he heard him.

"They're going to want to know everything. I need to tell them everything."

"So you tell them," Cox replied.

"They're my parents" For as angry as JD was, he was starting to feel scared and conflicted.

Cox looked down at the top of the head on his chest before reaching with the other hand and tilting JD's face up so he was looking him in the eye. He winced when he saw how dark the bruising on his neck had gotten. Gently brushing it with his fingers.

JD swallowed hard and tried not to flinch away. Looking up to look at Cox.

"They tried to kill you. He did kill you. You weren't breathing. You can't" he paused to compose himself don't yell at the kid "they can't get away with that. You need to press charges when the police come today. That's, non-negotiable"

JD stared at him. He knew he was right. He did. He closed his eyes. "You'll stay?"

"Of course I'll stay."

"No. I mean, you'll stay, knowing all of this. You'll stay with me?"

Cox hadn't realized that had even been a thought in JD's head. "I want you to hear what I'm telling you, because you're only going to get this once, okay?" He squeezed him tight.

JD gave his best listening face.

"You are important to me." JD went to speak, but Cox shook his head to stop him. "JD I'm serious, just listen. Twice now, I've had to wonder what I would do without you. Twice now, you've come back to me. I don't want to know what it looks like if you don't come back to me." He looked away "When Turk was giving you CPR, all I thought of was how much I love you. I know I don't tell you that enough." There was a longer pause. "You are the best thing that's happened to me, I couldn't let that go even if I wanted to." He slowly turned onto his side and slid down a little in the bed so he could look at JD at eye level. Today was going to be hard, and he needed to cut off his anxiety at the pass. "I need you to know that, okay? I need you to know that you are important. You are about to be questioned about your whole life, and I need you to know that while you give your answers. You are worthy of this, okay? I'm not leaving, and you're not bad."

JD looked away.

"And you have nothing to be ashamed of. None of this is your fault. Okay?"

With tears in his eyes, JD nodded and felt a kiss on his forehead. "Okay" he said softly.

"Now I'm going to let them know they can come this morning." A look crossed JD's face "I'll make it very clear I'm not leaving. But for the love of all that is right in the world JD, I need you to eat something." JD rolled his eyes. "I'm serious". He rolled out of bed and hit the call button, and despite it being sleeping attire, still felt the need to straighten out his clothes.

JD could see doctor mode was turning on, so loving Perry was gone. He rolled onto his back, wincing when he shifted his neck.

"Do you need pain meds?"

JD shook his head gently. "Not if I have to answer questions. I'll take them after."

They both looked when the door opened. Cox was still hyper-vigilant, that might last a while. Carla came into the room, immediately looking at JD's bed, and then moving to the other one when she saw it was empty. She eyed them teasingly. "Still no public displays of affection I see?"

Cox huffed and rolled his eyes.

JD whispered as to not aggravate his throat "Oatmeal?"

Carla looked sympathetic and walked towards him. "You've barely eaten in days Bambi. How about I get you some soup to start, okay?" She palmed his cheek, and moved his face slightly to also look at the bruising. "You sure you're okay?" she said with concern.

"Yes" he replied "It's just sore. I promise."

She looked at Cox to make sure JD was telling the truth. Cox nodded. "Okay then. I'll be back in a minute"

As soon as the door closed Cox turned to him "We need to get you dressed." JD snuggled further into bed. "Nope, come on now Newbie". He tugged his arm gently "Unless you want the cops to see you in your underwear."

Chapter Text

Cox and JD were sitting silently, as JD was trying his best to feed himself soup without spilling. They’d pushed the bed up to a sitting position and put pillows behind his head to alleviate his neck muscles from having to work as hard. The process was still making him very tired though, and he hadn’t realized how shaky his hands were from lack of nutrition and movement. A half-drunk protein shake sat on his tray with a stray.

A knock on the door shook them both from the moment. Two police officers entered and started to introduce themselves.

The man spoke gently, but confidently. “Good morning folks, I’m officer Miller”. He gave a little wave. “And this here is my partner Walker” as he motioned to the young woman coming in next to him.

He appeared to be seasoned, at least enough to know how to start a conversation with a victim. Victim Cox thought, as he tried to push that thought away. He stood up from the chair he was seated on to shake hands, and nodded to Miller to exit the room with him.

Miller got the hint and left Walker inside the room “we’ll just be a minute”. As he and Cox exited, leaving Walker behind with JD.

JD knew exactly what Cox was doing. He was protecting him, and although his heart swelled at the gesture, it made him incredibly nervous. He’d stopped trying to eat and put his spoon down. It clanged against the tray louder than he’d expected it to. “Sorry” he blurted out.

Walker seemed surprised he was apologizing “It’s fine, you can keep eating if you want to.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m done.” He was trying to slide the tray off to the side, but his broken wrist wasn’t letting him get the right angle. He was tired, so he gave up part way before a hand came in and took it away.

Walker grabbed the tray and put it off to the side. She looked at him sympathetically. She’d read the notes, and knew why they were here, but this wasn’t her wheelhouse. She was used to criminals, street thugs, emotionless humans who didn’t deserve sympathy. This was a man her age who had tried to be snuffed out by his own family. “Do you mind if I…” motioning to the chair

“Go ahead,” he said quietly. There was a long silence. “I know what he’s doing out there. He’s telling you to go easy on me, that I’m fragile. That I need to press charges.”

She subtly removed her notepad from her pocket. “Do you not want to?”

He thought about it for a second “I don’t know.”

—--

They stood to the side of the hallway. Cox no longer looked like he worked here, he hadn’t shaved in days, his hair was unruly, and honestly, he needed to shower. The best he’d done was wash the blood off his face after the fight.

“That’s some shiner” Miller said, as he noticed the black eye starting to come in on Cox’s face.

Cox just glared. He’d take all the black eyes in the world if it meant getting the same result every time. “Listen, he’s fragile. It’s in his best medical interest to not do this alone”

Miller interrupted him “Okay”

“I won’t have…” he paused and looked him in the eye. Processing the answer he had just heard. “Okay?”

“Yea, I said okay.” Miller put his hands up in an innocent manner “Listen, we aren’t here to punish him. To be honest, I feel for the kid, this is a tough spot. We don’t get a lot of cases like this, at least not with adults, and not a lot with survivors”. He cleared his throat and put his hands in his pockets now that Cox appeared less aggressive. “We just need more information, and unfortunately he’s the only one who can give it to us.”

“I’m staying in there with him”

“I didn’t ask you not to.” He sighed “Can I ask just one thing though?”

Cox only looked at him.

When there was no response, he added “Let the kid talk okay. Just listen. Again, we’re not here to go after him” taking a look at the black eye again “or you”.

They both stared at each other, profiling each other quickly, before Cox nodded and opened the door.

—--

More chairs had been brought in. Cox sat on JD’s right, while both officers sat on his left. He was holding his hand, rubbing his thumb across JD’s fingers. Letting him know he was there without being intrusive.

“So John…” Miller spoke

“JD, please” JD interrupted.

“JD. Okay.” He made a note on his pad. “Can we start from the beginning?”

“I assumed, but I really didn’t know he was here.” he said so quietly Cox wasn’t even sure they’d hear him.

“No,” he paused. “I mean the beginning.” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “Listen, JD, let’s start off with what you want to do here. You can press charges against him, or you can not. If you don’t, I’m warning you that he’ll be released, and he’ll be out there.”

Cox squeezed his hand when he felt it tense under his thumb. Miller, reading the body language, softened his posture. He’d put Walker closer to JD for a reason.

“You could file a restraining order, which I suggest you do anyway.” He uncrossed his arms to appear less aggressive. “But you may be able to help us push for further charges.”

A knock on the door made JD jump. It opened slowly with a nurse coming in with the camera. “It’s been a few hours, just checking in to see if we should take a few more?” she asked cautiously.

Cox waved her in and both cops got up to step aside. He could tell JD’s heart rate was speeding up. “Hey” he stood up and palmed his face. “Look at me okay. It’s just precautionary. Just look at me.” Cox nodded to the nurse and then turned to keep looking at JD. He used his hand on his face to tilt it for the photos.

It was like he wasn’t even breathing anymore. JD bit his lip and looked at Dr. Cox. “I need you to do me a favor”

Cox stared at him with confusion.

He looked up as tears came to his eyes. “Under my bed, there’s a shoebox.” He reached for Cox’s other hand with his casted fingers, hoping it’d give him the strength to finish. “I need you to ask Dan to bring it here.” a couple tears rolled down his face “there's pictures in it” he looked down completely defeated. “I never got rid of them” he sniffled “I don’t know why.”

Cox looked hard at Miller. This was the evidence you were looking for. Hugging JD who was now having a full anxiety attack. Unfortunately it’s at your expense.

—--

“Okay. Yes, I heard you. Bye.” Dan hung up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. What are you getting me into now? He rolled out of bed and onto the floor, using his phone to shine some light underneath. He moved a few things until he came across the described box that he thought he was looking for. He had to almost crawl under the bed to get it, sliding it out.

He sat on the floor in his boxers with the box in his lap for a minute. Cox had asked him not to open it, but neither of them were really good at following the rules. He took the lid off, saw what was inside, and closed it immediately. I’m sorry Johnny.

—--

Walker and Miller had gone to get a coffee, giving the two men a minute inside alone. Walker fixed her ponytail and looked around uncomfortably. “I’m going to need you to take the lead once we go back inside. I’m making him uncomfortable.” She looked startled and he didn’t meet her eyes. “You need to ask if we can record the conversation, and you need to get him to tell you what he remembers”.

“Okay” she replied. “I can do that.”

—--

Dan bumped into the cops as he got to the door, box in hand. He looked anxious just holding it. He nodded a hello at them, and then opened the door to go inside.

“Hey Johnny” he said sadly. The cops followed behind him. The atmosphere in the room felt very tense.

JD didn’t even look at him. “Did you bring it?” he said coldly.

The tone caught Dan off guard. He walked over and put it on the bed “Listen, I’m…”

“Please don’t. Just, don’t.” still looking up towards the ceiling, he closed his eyes, his head tipped back on the pillow. His neck hurt, a lot. It was almost unbearable. “Dan, I’m sorry. I can’t do this with you here, I can’t. I need you to go.”

Maybe he was a coward, and didn’t want to be there either, so he didn’t put up a fight. “I’ll be right outside, okay? I promise.” He waited for JD to look at him, but when he didn’t, he turned and left, closing the door behind him.

Dr. Cox spoke up first “Hey. Look at me.”

JD didn’t turn, “I need you to go too.” he was trying to hold his composure. “Please”. He couldn’t look at him, he would lose all nerve.

Cox felt torn, he knew exactly why he didn’t want him there. “JD, I already know. You know I know.”

“Please. I swear Perry, I can’t do this with you here.” He turned to look at him “If you want me to press charges, I need to do this alone. Please.”

Cox sighed. “Okay. Okay.” He kissed his head and ran fingers through his hair. “I’ll be right outside okay.” He looked at Miller “You’ll come get me?”

Miller nodded.

Cox had never felt so insecure as he walked out the door.

Officer Walker cleared her throat. “JD, I’d like to ask if we can record this meeting? Is that okay?”

JD nodded at first, but realizing they’d probably need verbal consent, he added a “yes”.

She set up the camera next to the bed, and hit record as her partner opened the box. “We can do this in stages okay? It’s entirely up to you. You’re in charge here, okay?”

JD still didn’t look at her “Okay”.

She took out her pen. “I’m going to show you the photos, and if you’re able to tell me how old you were in them? Let’s start there?”

He nodded his head “Okay”. He took a breath.

She showed him the first photo. You could tell it was still him. He’d obviously taken the polaroid himself in the mirror. “I was 12. That was after he’d thrown me out the door onto the front steps.” He looked away from the photo. She took notes in her notebook, and put a small ‘1’ on the back of the photo to match her files.

Miller took a look at the next photo and felt his insides squeeze, handing it to his partner “and this one?” she asked.

JD looked briefly, he wouldn’t forget this one even if he wanted to “I was 9.” He took a breath to dissociate. His body language visibly changed. “He hadn’t been with my mom that long, only a year or so.” He paused. “I still don’t really understand you know. He never said why he didn’t like me.” He spoke like he was a child.

Neither of them knew what to say, so she tucked her hair behind her ears, and reached out to hold the fingers poking out of the casted hand. “Do you want a break?”

“No. I need to get this done in one go.”

“Okay”. They continued, getting the gruelling details of every picture. They kept their promise, he was in charge. It took over an hour with all the pauses, but eventually the pain was too much, and he needed to call it a day.

“We’ll come back tomorrow afternoon.” She said, as Miller hit stop on the camera. Ultimately, they’d be able to charge his mom and Duncan for multiple offenses, there was no denying that. "And it's okay if we take this box with us?"

JD nodded. “Can you ask Perry to come back in, please?” he held back tears.

She nodded, as they let themselves out.

Opening the door, a body nearly stumbled inside the room. Leaning against the door, sitting on the ground, was Perry. “He’s asking for you.” She said as they walked around him. He got up and headed inside so fast he nearly caused her whiplash.

Miller looked at her and said “Let’s get lunch, we need to talk”. It’d be a somber meal.

—--

Cox made his way in, and JD basically launched himself at him. He didn’t even make it past the end of the bed, before JD was huddled in his arms. Eventually he managed to climb on the bed, put JD’s head in his lap, whispering to him “It’s okay, I love you.” He let tears fall as he looked at his neck as JD fell asleep.

Chapter Text

"I'd like to get him discharged. He needs to be home. He needs a shower. He needs a real bed."

Turk, Cox and JD's physician sat in Cox's office.

"He'd be released into my care". He scratched his face "If I have to go one more day without shaving my face…" he said angrily.

"No one said you can't go home." Turk spit out.

Cox glared and went to comment back before the physician spoke up. "He needs round the clock care. He needs to eat. I need to see him back here every 3 days. No exception."

"Are you kidding me?!" Turk sounded out of his mind. "He died, twice!"

"And he's going to die again if we leave him here!" Cox shot back. He sighed and checked his anger "Listen to me, his oxygen levels are good, he's sore, but capable. If I can get him one of those girly baths he's always going on about, sleep in his own bed, he'll be okay. He has to be okay."

Turk looked away. To be fair, he knew he'd be okay, he just wasn't thrilled that JD wanted to go home with Cox and not with him to their apartment. We will still be working though.

"Would it help if I said you can come over? Make sure Shirley is safe in my care." Cox said begrudgingly. "I'm not going to kill the kid, you know that right?"

Turk rolled his eyes "Yes. I know that".

The Physician cleared his throat. "Let's stay on task". He looked at the paperwork. "He still needs pain meds, daily stretches, I'll schedule his physio for the days he comes to see me. I want to be clear, I would also recommend therapy, real therapy, not just shot glass therapy" he held Cox's stare. "All around, given nothing else comes up, I'll sign these and he can be released within the hour."

Turk just nodded while Cox said his thanks. The physician let himself out.

"He's not okay, you know." Turk said somberly.

"I know. That's why I want to take him home." Cox replied. "I do, love him, you know." He looked away, he couldn't look at Turk while being honest. "I won't let him down".

Turk looked down for a second and then stared at Cox until he faced him. "You better not". He said, with all the meanings and intentions behind it.

—--

The door burst open "Get dressed Abigail, we're going home". Cox said, while pushing a wheelchair into the room.

JD seemed surprised, but relieved at the words. "I don't need that," he said while looking at the chair.

"Yes. You do." Cox started pulling JD's track pants out of his bag while simultaneously putting everything else thrown about the room inside it. "You've been released to me, and I'd rather wait until no one in this place can see us before they think I've messed up".

JD looked at him, and decided maybe now wasn't a good time to argue. He was nudged from his daydream when he heard a tapping sound on his tray.

Cox tapped the tray twice to get his attention "You need to finish this before we go" nodding to the protein shake.

"I don't like it" JD replied.

"Yea, well, you're so skinny now the only magazine that would want you on their cover is one for a morgue". He regretted it as he said it. "That wasn't fair, I'm…"

"No, it's okay" JD picked it up and made a face as he took a sip. "I get it. I'd be the same if this was you." Gesturing to himself.

Cox took his hand and looked at him kindly. "Once you finish that, we'll go". He pulled a bag that made a shaking noise out of his back pocket. "I've already filled these".

—--

He'd laid JD down on the bed first, before going down to grab the rest of the stuff from the car. By the time he'd brought everything in, JD was asleep. Legs curled up, on his side. The trip wasn't easy, he'd cried in the car trying to hold his own head up on the drive. Cox felt terrible. Maybe this wasn't the right decision after all? He was second guessing.

No. This was right. This was good. He headed into the bathroom and started filling the whirlpool tub, adding a sprinkle of bubble bath that JD had previously left at his place. He checked the temperature, and headed back to JD as he let it fill.

"Hey" he whispered softly, "time to get up" giving him a gentle shake.

JD cracked his eyes open. His body hurt something awful. "No." He replied quietly.

"I got a bath ready, come on". He slowly lifted him up off the bed. Head over the crook of one arm, legs over the other. How much weight have you lost? "Come on, up we go".

He carried the sleepy body into the bathroom bridal style and sat him on the toilet seat. Half awake now, Cox started peeling JD's clothes off. "Arms up" he said, as he pulled the shirt over his head and slid his cast out. "Stand a little" as he pulled off the sweatpants. When he got to the boxers, he wasn't sure. He'd seen JD naked, but wasn't sure what JD wanted anymore, and wanted to let him be in control. "On or off" he said.

JD looked uncomfortable and anxious all of the sudden. Looking at the floor he wasn't even sure what he wanted anymore.

"I won't be mad." Cox knelt down to look him in the eye. "This is up to you, there's no pressure here". He touched his cheek.

JD bit his lip and looked up at him. "On".

"Okay. That's okay." He stood up. "Step up".

JD stood up slowly, and with Cox's steady hand lifted one leg into the tub. He sighed as the warm water hit him. "This is nice."

"Let's get all of you in before you succumb to happiness". He let JD balance himself while holding his arms. He positioned himself so that when JD sat down, his cast could balance on the edge of the tub. "Are you sitting down?"

"Yes". He closed his eyes as a rolled up towel was placed behind his neck. He let his head fall back a bit. "That's nice too".

Cox pulled a washcloth out from the water and lathered it up. "You need a bath Gladys, this isn't just for fun".

"Hmm" JD replied, as he felt the cloth against his skin. "Okay". He was silent for a couple minutes as he washed his arms.

"Lean forward" he said, as JD leaned off the tub, leaving his back exposed. Cox hadn't realized the bruising on his back from the heavy handed CPR. He immediately went to touch it gently. "Any pain?" He said with concern.

"No, it's okay." He shifted nervously.

"What's the matter?"

"Do you want to" he paused but Cox didn't interrupt "come in?" JD gave his best puppy eyes.

Cox looked at him and sucked in a breath. "JD, I don't know…"

"Please?"

How could he say no to that? I can't say no to himHe started taking his clothes off, pausing when he got to his boxers. He decided to take them off when JD closed his eyes, and got in on the other side.

"I missed this," JD said.

Cox looked at him, really looked at him. After a week of hell, a week of insecurity, he didn't think he'd ever have this again. To have him here, he closed his eyes, and he relaxed for the first time.

They sat in silence in the warm water until Cox heard the water sloshing. He opened his eyes to see JD sitting up.

"Will you wash my hair?" He asked quietly.

Cox sat up and inched forward. He grabbed the cloth and soaked it in the water before using it to wet his hair. He held the back of his neck with his other hand, giving JD's healing muscles something to lean on. Massaging the cloth into his scalp with his fingers.

JD could have cried right then. He reached up to take Cox's hand.

"You'll get your cast wet." He pushed his hand back to the side of the tub. While his arm was down, he let go of JD and grabbed the shampoo, lathering it up in his hand a little before fingering it through JD's hair.

Now JD cried. Not because this wasn't enjoyable. Not because it felt like heaven. But because he was entirely overwhelmed. He tilted his head down, as tears fell down his face.

Cox felt his chest tighten, but he finished lathering before rinsing it out with the cloth. He then took JD by the shoulders and carefully leaned JD back against the tub with the cloth rolled up behind his head again. "Lay down" he whispered "I'll be right back". He watched as JD closed his eyes.

He stood up, grabbed a towel and exited the bathroom. When he came back, he was fully dressed, a clean towel draped across his shoulder and a new pair of sweatpants laid on the counter. "Up you get" hand extended for JD to hold as he slowly stood up.

JD had to really push to stay upright, he was so tired. Cox was taking almost all of his weight at this point as he reached around his neck and was lifted out of the tub. Cox sat him down on the toilet seat and covered him with a towel as he shimmied off the boxers and slid on the cozy pants.

"Brush your teeth" he handed him his toothbrush "and you can go to bed".

—--

Cox stared at JD from the doorway. It was 10am, and JD was still sound asleep. They'd had one rough patch in the night when the pain was so bad that JD had a hard time breathing, but after some meds, he seemed to be eased back into a slumber. Cox closed the door and walked back down the hall.

Dan was sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal. He looked better. A full night's sleep had done him wonders. "You said they're coming by this afternoon?"

Cox sat down across from him "Yes."

"What do you want him to do?"

"I want him to press charges. I'm not really going to take no for an answer."

Dan nodded before taking another bite, but he knew his brother. "And if he doesn't want to?" He inquired.

"That's not an option". He leaned back in his chair. "Listen Dan, I know you mean well, but this isn't a choice. You can't give him the choice."

Dan shrugged and drank the milk from his bowl while Cox rolled his eyes.

"I'll press charges" JD spoke up from behind them in the doorway. He was rubbing the sleep from his eyes, leaning on door frame; shirtless but with a small blanket wrapped around him.

Cox rushed up to usher JD to his seat, while somehow simultaneously pulling a smoothie out from the fridge and tapping the table for him to drink it.

Cox started to pull out a third chair. "Man of few words" Dan joked, as he sat down.

"Maybe cereal?" JD asked hopefully.

Cox tapped the table twice again while glaring at Dan. "Nothing solid until tomorrow. Doctors orders." while gesturing to himself. As if to say he could try to be funny too if they were going to play that game.

JD smiled as he pulled the glass closer, the first genuine smile in a long time. This is perfect.

Chapter Text

This is not perfect. He looked at the stacks of papers in front of him while eating his Popsicle. His throat had started to hurt from talking too much, so Dan had brought them back with him upon his return to the apartment. He suspected Cox had been secretly texting him throughout the afternoon. The police had just left, leaving the contents of the dining room table behind.

"We don't need to do these today." Cox spoke, bringing JD out of his thoughts. He put a hand over JD’s as a sign to put the paper down.

JD looked up at him. "I didn't," he paused to rethink what he wanted to say. "I thought I could just leave this behind. I didn't think it'd follow me here." He dropped his head "That was stupid. I feel so stupid.”

"Maybe" JD flinched at the response. It wasn’t what he was hoping for. "But you didn't know". Cox pulled a chair around and sat down next to him at the table. "If I had a chance with my father, I probably wouldn't be doing this, I would've just killed him."

JD gave a glance at his direction.

"I wouldn't have been brave enough to do this the right way. The way it should have been."

"It shouldn't have happened in the first place" as he scratched his face. He was starting to have a full beard.

"I know Johnny". Dan spoke up as he sat down, also with a Popsicle. "Why don't you lay down. Coxer and I can figure out how to fill some of this out."

JD sighed and looked up at the ceiling. He felt like all he did was sleep, but he was so tired. Everything he did felt exhausting.

"Take one of these, and this" as he shook out and handed JD a pain pill, and slid over yet another glass of water. He must’ve been reading JD’s mind adding “This is normal JD, you’re still healing.”

JD groaned but did as he was told before getting up quickly. Wincing as he pushed himself up from the table.

"Hey." Cox said sternly.

"I'm fine", he shot back. He couldn't keep the emotion out of his voice. "Really, I'm fine". He kept walking down the hall. He didn't want to risk turning around and letting them see him cry.

Cox sighed, he was doing his best. I'm not emotionally equipped enough for this. He looked at Dan as he bit off the last of his Popsicle.

"So," Dan said "you going to fill this out or do you want me to try?"

Cox rolled his eyes. Restraining orders, health insurance, hospital forms; he didn't think he'd need to know all of this yet. He thought there would be more time. He took a deep breath.

"Really. It's okay. I know you don't believe me, but I can do this." He started to pull JD's wallet open that was on the table and pulled out a bunch of cards, spilling them onto the table.

Cox couldn't believe this was his option. "Call Turk." He turned to go towards the bedroom "He knows the kid better than either of us".

—--

Turk didn't bother knocking, he'd been told not to. As he opened the door and looked around, he couldn't help but notice that JD had definitely lived here on those nights he didn't come home. A blanket that he used to see in his room was thrown across the back of the couch, more than 1 pair of shoes were sitting by the door. He still couldn't believe that he hadn't seen it before. He ran a hand over his head, he couldn't believe any of this.

"Hey." Dan said quietly from the kitchen.

Turk followed the voice, seeing Dan at the table, papers in front of him, coffee was brewing on the counter.

"I need your help", Dan said emotionally, "I got to an allergies section and didn't know." He looked up at Turk. "Am I a bad brother?"

Turk sat down and slid off his jacket letting it hang on the back of the chair. "No Dan. It's okay not to know." He was trying to be sympathetic, even if he did think Dan wasn't great. He pulled the paper towards himself and grabbed a pen. "Just because you don't know, doesn't mean you don't love him". Turk started reading while Dan got up to pour coffee for them. "Just milk for me thanks".

Dan just nodded. "I can do the family history stuff, if you can do the other…" letting the words hang in the air.

"Yea. Okay." He had started to write in some of the boxes already. He glanced at Dan "How's he doing anyway?"

Dan pondered for a minute. "He's okay. It's sort of hour by hour. His mood is all over the place, he's sort of hard to read sometimes."

Turk just nodded.

"Coxy says it's PTSD. The mood swings, the temper. I think he's just overwhelmed. I mean, look at all this?" Gesturing to the table.

Turk put his pen down. "And how are you?" He looked at Dan. Really looked at him. He'd seen him at the apartment sure, but maybe now that he was seeing him in a different environment, he looked different.

"I'm okay," he replied with a pause. "I'm better than JD".

"That's not what I asked."

Dan held his stare for one second, and then looked away. "I'm struggling". He took a sip of his coffee. "There was so much I didn't know. How did I not know?"

"Because he didn't want you to." Turk said plainly. "He didn't want me to know either." I don't know why you didn't tell me, but it's ok. And with that, he went back to filling out the paperwork in front of him.

—---

“John Dorian I swear, when I find you, you’ll wish you were dead.” The voice boomed from outside the closet JD had buried himself in. The clothes hung in front of him, his breath as still as he could make it. Shadows passed under the light of the door. He didn’t think it was capable of holding his breath this long, but as adrenaline soared through him, he swore he could do anything. Until the door ripped open.

“You thought you could run, you can’t.” The clothes were pushed to the side making him visible. JD turned his head to the side and closed his eyes before he was pulled out by the back of his shirt. He could already feel it choking him.

—-------

JD woke up with a start, gasping and opening his eyes. He started to sit up when he felt a hand touch his chest, and he flinched away so hard his neck jerked. Immediately pain shot from his ribs to his skull as he hissed and tried to focus.

"I'm sorry" he heard Cox say quietly.

Safe, you're at home. JD breathed through the pain, and the memory. "It's okay".

They sat in comfortable silence, hearing nothing but the slow exhales.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cox asked

JD gently shook his head. He didn't want to think about it.

"Do you want me to get you anything?"

"No!" He said quickly as breathed again "Please, just stay?" He reached out his casted hand and Cox took his fingers. JD looked at the ceiling. "I don't think I can do this. I know I said I would, but I don't think I can." He turned to look at Cox who seemed to look nervous, no longer exuding the confidence of the doctor he is at the hospital.

"This is up to you JD." He spoke soothingly. "If you really don't want to, no one is going to make you. But I think you need to. If you don't" he paused to take a deep inhale "then something bad is going to happen." He touched JD's neck gently, fingers tracing the bruising "And I'm not always going to be there". He waited a minute before speaking again. "I love you".

JD stared at him. How could he love someone this damaged? He really concentrated on his face, checking for any signs of deception. Any signs that it wasn't the kind of love he really wanted. When he didn't find any, he replied with "I love you too".

Cox had closed his eyes in the silence, taking in the two of them being alone. He had assumed JD had done the same until he felt the bed move.

JD had sat up, face scrunched, knees up to his chest. His breathing was becoming laboured.

"Hey" Cox was up immediately, kneeling on the bed in front of him "look at me". He pushed JD’s knees down towards the floor.

JD looked up, tears in his eyes. He tried to speak but no words would come out, pushing his panic further over the edge.

"Hey. None of that Samantha." Cox put a hand on JDs chest, and moved JD's good hand to his "you with me?" as he exaggerated his breaths for a visual aid. “It’s just you and me here.” A noise interrupted them from the kitchen, a chair had scraped across the floor.

JD bolted, despite the pain, he was gone in an instant trying to rip open the closet door. At that moment, he was 14 years old. At that moment, he wasn’t here anymore.

“JD, what…” he grabbed at JD’s arms to force him to stop, but his lover fought back. “JD, it’s me. Hey! Stop!”

JD struggled harder. “Let go of me! Please, I said I was sorry! Please!”

Cox stopped so fast it was like he was hit with a cattle prod. He thinks I’m going to hurt him. “JD, please.” He spoke softly. “I love you, I do. Don’t make me say it a third time today. I can’t do that…”

When JD couldn’t get the closet open with only one good hand, he did the next best thing, and cornered himself in the room, curling up on the floor making himself as small as possible. Heart wrenching sobs coming out of his mouth. “Please. I won’t do it again”.

"We don't have to talk about it anymore today, okay? No more for today.” Cox said as Dan had slowly slid into the door.

“Hey Johnny.” he bent over towards his brother and whispered at him “It’s ok. I’m here. I’m going to help you. I can help you this time. You have help. Let me help you.” He took the risk and laid a hand on the back of his brother’s neck.

JD stopped screaming. It was like an eerie silence had filled the room. When JD’s pupils returned to normal, he looked at Cox’s face and broke like a damn “I’m sorry” he said quietly.

Cox crawled over closer, his body too old to be on the floor anymore. “It’s okay.” He enveloped JD in a hug, which was returned like he was a life preserver. “I meant what I said, we don’t have to talk about it anymore today.” There was a moment of silence.

“I can’t do this.” JD said quietly.

“Yes you can.” Cox held him tighter. “You have help this time.” He looked at Dan, who seemed completely uncomfortable with the display. Cox just nodded for Dan “I promise JD, I’ll be here the whole time. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes, I can. For you I’d promise anything.”

Chapter Text

"I can't do this." JD begged as he threw up into a trashcan. His voice sounded raw, and it broke Cox's heart.

Cox rubbed the back of his neck in a soothing motion. "You can." He held out a glass of water but JD pushed it away. "Drink." He spoke more sternly.

JD took a sip, swished it around in his mouth, spit it in the trash can and hung his head. He'd already cried twice today. He couldn't manage anymore.

JD's physiotherapist, Elton, gave them a sympathetic look. "I think we're done today. I'll get you some ice."

JD nodded, head still low, hands still holding onto the bucket as if he was afraid to let go.

Elton nodded Cox towards the door.

"Sit tight, okay Newbie?" He got no response, just concentrated breathing. He followed Elton out into the hall.

"He needs more time. I know his doctor wanted to start right away, but in my opinion, he needs more time to heal. I can push people, but this is too much."

Cox didn't say anything. He was so tired, he didn't know what to say.

"I want you to come back in a week and we'll start again."

Cox nodded briefly, looking in through the door when he saw JD move the waste basket to the table and lay down on his side. He could see the sweat on his back through his shirt.

"What can I do at home?" He practically blurted out without thinking about it. He'd never felt like this in his life. At a loss of what to do. But then again, he never thought he'd feel this way.

"Right now" Elton glanced into the room and lowered his voice. "Just, try and keep him moving. Walk around the apartment, walk outside, if I had to guess, the adrenaline from this week is winding down. He's exhausted. Honestly, give it a few days." He fiddled with his pockets. "Everyone here, heard what happened. It's terrible. I’m sorry."

Cox narrowed his eyes.

Elton looked away. Afraid to say it, he took a breath. "You know everyone here, we stick together right. And everyone likes JD." He paused, debating on how to say the final words before spitting them out too quickly. "It's okay to need help." He closed his eyes and braced for impact. When nothing came, he opened them. Cox was looking at JD.

"I know" was the only response Elton got as Cox walked back in the room. Elton watched as he lifted JD's dangling legs up onto the bed and touched his forehead.

"I'm going to get you that ice." He whispered, but JD wasn't listening.

"I got it" Elton said from the doorway "you stay".

Cox glared, he didn't want to openly accept help, but he didn't want to leave. He looked away, giving up the staring contest as a way to admit defeat, acceptance.

"Hey. I need you to open your eyes and look at me." He spoke to JD in a quiet tone.

JD cracked his eyes open, glossy with pain.

Cox held his fingers to JD's pulse, it was too high. "We can up your dosage JD. You know that right? Why are doctors the worst patients?"

JD shook his head, it was so minuscule Cox was sure if he didn't know him so well he might've missed it. "No you don't know that? Or no you don't want to?" He was starting to grow concerned there were longer lasting effects to the concussion than he realized.

JD's eyes closed, only reopening when he heard snapping fingers.

"Hey. I'm serious." His tone of voice was more stern now, more doctorly. "I need to know you understand me."

"I understand," he spoke, struggling to get the words out. "I don't want them". He closed his eyes, breathing through another pain spell.

Cox took his hand away and moved both his hands to JD's face. Using his thumbs to massage his temples gently. "JD…" There it was, the tone he never used. Begging. "I need you to take them." He looked at JD with loving frustration "Tell me why you won't take them. I can’t, I can’t watch you do this to yourself” He looked away, unable to even look at JD while he said it “It’s killing me."

JD looked at him, as Cox looked elsewhere. He was trying not to cry. He bit his lip. His mind was moving so fast, anxiety riddled his insides.

In that brief moment, Cox somehow telepathically understood what JD was trying to convey. "You're scared. You're scared because of last time."

JD made eye contact, even if it was brief, before closing them to sob. Big, body wracking sobs.

"Hey Newbie. It's okay." He smoothed JD's hair down. "I promise you. Now is the best time to do this, while they're locked away."

That didn't help. Between the sobs and the pain, Cox hit the call button. It wasn't 30 seconds before Carla came in.

"I need some morphine, and I need it now." He spoke. JD protested with more sobs. Cox struggled to pull him up into a hug, hushing him. "Please." And at that moment, he wasn't sure which person he was saying that to.

She hurried away. It took 10 minutes and by the time they came back JD's whole body was rigid with pain. He couldn't relax, and was physically aching. Each tremor of pain sent a squeeze through Cox's fingers.

"About time." Cox rolled up JD's sleeve, tying his arm off. Practically yanking the syringe out of the doctor's hand, he quickly found a vein and let it flow. "Give him an oxygen and pulse monitor, and readmit him for the night."

JD protested limply. Cox shook his head. "My call, Nancy". He put a bandaid over the area and ripped off his gloves.

A girl's name, he's mad at me. JD closed his eyes. He struggled through the pain, but it was lessening. He didn't expect to fall asleep so fast, but he did.

"This kid is going to kill me," he said to no one in particular.

Carla shooed the doctor away, as she made her way over to Cox.

“How is he?” she asked sympathetically.

“Scared.” he gruffly pulled a chair over and sat down.

“Does he need to be?” She took Cox’s hand.

“I don’t know Carla.” He pulled his hand away. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to rip this room apart. He wanted a scotch and a hockey game and an intern to scream at. He wanted to tear everything down. He stood up quickly and kicked the chair out from behind him. Pulled his hands through his hair, and then stared at JD, who carried a grimace on his face. He sighed, and pushed JD’s hair off his forehead.

Carla brought his chair back. “Sit.”

He eyed her, but did as he was told.

“I’m going to bring you something to eat.”
“Hospital food isn’t what I’d call a good meal.” he grumbled.

“You’ve eaten it for 20 years Perry, you can eat it again.” she called over her shoulder as she walked away, but gently closed the door behind her.

Cox took JD’s hand again. “I’m too old for this kid.” he leaned forward on the bed and draped his upper half over the side of the bed. Looking at him while he fell asleep.

—-------

“Mind if I sit?” Carla pulled out a chair across the table

“Be my guest.” Dan said

She lifted a salad off her tray and put it in front of Dan. “Eat. Cox is already surviving on coffee, one of you should eat a vegetable.” Stabbing a fork into her own.

“You look just as tired.” as he picked up his fork.

She glared. “Don’t start with me Dan.”

They ate in silence for a while.

“He’s going to be okay.” It came across as more of a question than a statement.

“I know.” Carla replied. “But are you?”

Dan looked at her, debating on whether or not to tell her the truth. “No.”

Carla reached across and held his hand. “That’s not true.”
“Yes it is. You don’t understand. No one else will understand. You weren’t there.” He spoke angrily. He paused before putting his head in his hands, elbows on the table. “I hate myself. I’m to blame just as much as they are. And I’ll never forgive myself.”

—-------

They’d come home early in the morning. Dan, now asleep in the spare room. JD had promised to take his pain meds, and tomorrow they were going to meet with a psychiatrist that Turk had picked out. Someone who specialized in family trauma. Someone who could give JD more one-on-one care. Their insurance wouldn’t cover it, but at this point, Cox didn’t care. For now though, he lay sprawled on the sofa, draped in a blanket, staring at the television.

“Hey.” holding out a glass of orange juice “Drink.” JD took the glass before Cox lifted JD’s feet and sat down, lowering them across his thighs.

“I feel like that’s all you say to me.” he rolled his eyes.

“If you finished a meal, I wouldn’t have to.” There was a long lull before Cox reached for the remote and turned off the tv. “Listen, we need to have a chat.”

JD stared at him. “Okay” he said hesitantly.

Cox blew out a breath. “There’s a locksmith coming this afternoon to put another deadbolt on the door.” he grabbed one of JD’s feet and massaged gently. “So no more lying. No more telling me you’re okay when you’re not. No more… faking it.”

JD swallowed. “Okay.”

“I mean it, JD. You want to protect me. I want to protect you, but in order to do that, I need you to be honest. And I need you to tell me, is there anyone else that might know.”

JD looked suspicious. “Know what?” he asked, as he raised an eyebrow.

Cox looked extremely uncomfortable “Know about your parents JD”

JD tried to sit up, wincing when his ribs protested “Know what about my parents?” he was starting to get angry.

Cox pushed him back down, easy on his chest, and breathed a heavy sigh. “Your mom made bail this morning JD.”

He immediately looked at the door, and Cox reached toward his face, turning it back to face him. “JD, listen to me.” JD’s eyes stared into Cox’s soul, a look of panic. “You’re safe here. I need you to say that out loud for me.”

JD’s eyes went toward the door, and then back to Cox. He chewed on his cheek. “But”

“No buts JD. I know, and Dan knows. And we’re both here, with you.” He held JD’s face a little harder when his eyes drifted to the door again. “I need to hear you say it.”

“I should go” he tried to shove his way off the couch.

“Newbie. Sit down.” he barked. JD shrunk into himself, bowing his head. Cox cringed, and softened. “Caroline, please, just sit down.” JD pushed himself back onto the sofa. “The detectives called me this morning. We set up the restraining order, that’s good to go.” JD nodded and looked at the door again. “Newbie, eyes on me” he barked again. “I need to hear you say it.”

“I’m safe here?” He posed it like a question, unsure of himself.

“Again” Cox said, squeezing his face a little harder. JD tried to squirm away. “No. Again.”

“Can we go to the bedroom?” He struggled to keep his voice calm. “Please.”

“Not until I hear you say it. I need to hear you say it.” he was practically yelling.

“I’m safe here!” JD yelled with a sudden anger Cox hadn’t heard in awhile. “I’m safe here and nowhere else, and I’ll never be able to leave again.” Cox let go of his face. “I’ll be kept here forever, too scared to go outside, too scared to go back to my old life” he threw the glass of juice across the room, causing it to shatter. “I can’t do this!” And just like that, all the anger left and he was standing tiredly in the middle of the room. “I’m sorry, I’ll clean that up.”

As angry as he was, as angry that he wanted to be, he didn’t let it get to him. He bottled it down, and stood up, taking JD in his arms, and cocooned him. Letting him nestle his face into his neck. “Leave it.”

“But, I’m sorry.” he hiccuped.

“I know JD, it’s okay.” he combed his fingers through JD’s hair. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

Chapter Text

When Cox woke up the following morning, he'd woken up alone. Which caused immediate panic. He looked over to see if the ensuite door was open "JD!" No response. He scrambled out of bed and threw on some athletic shorts. With Dan still here, boxers were out of the question. He threw open the door and almost jogged towards the front door, practically running into JD who was making pancakes in the kitchen.

"Morning!" JD said with enthusiasm.

Cox stared. "Morning Daisy".

JD frowned, and went back to the stove. "Can't it be too early for girls' names?"

"It's never too early". He side-eyed JD while he poured some coffee. He didn't even want the coffee, but wanted to study the moment. The moment JD had been taken over by a pod person.

JD hummed as he flipped a pancake over.

Cox put the mug on the counter and turned JD to face him so he could look him in the eye. "Hey".

"Hi?"

"Did you take your pills this morning?" Cox inquired

There was a tiny shift before the same cheery JD returned. "Yes."

He's dissociating. I'll bite, for now. "And vitamins?"

JD nodded towards the smoothie on the counter. "Can you" he paused to gather himself "just sit down at the table?" He pulled out 2 plates. "Dan left earlier this morning to deal with some things. So it's just us."

Deal with some things? "One minute" he walked back to the bedroom to find his phone and scrolled through the notifications. 2 missed calls from Baldy, Carla making sure I'm not drunk. Bingo. 'Went down to the station to figure out who bailed out mom'. He put the cell in his pocket and pulled on a t-shirt before heading back out.

JD was already pouring a monstrous amount of syrup on his breakfast.

"Newbie you are going to get diabetes."

JD's face scrunched up. "I don't care. This makes me happy." He put the bottle down and forked a bite into his mouth sighing in delight.

They ate in silence for a while. It wasn't until JD winced when he wiggled in delight that Cox broke the mood.

"You have your appointment today."

JD stopped chewing and stared at his plate. "What appointment?"

Cox sighed. "JD, we talked about this."

JD put his utensils down. "No, you talked about it. I'm just forced to do everything you tell me."

"Finally deciding to grow a pair I see." Anger he could handle.

"I'm not going." He said sternly.

"Yes, you are. That's non-negotiable Nina."

JD stared at his plate before slamming his hand down on the table. He cringed as pain shot through his body. "Don't!" He yelled as he saw Cox reaching over. "Just stop." He took a breath and Cox pulled his hands back. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."

It was at this point Cox realized JD wasn't speaking to him. "JD?"

"I said to stop. Please stop." His chest was heaving.

"JD, I need you to look at me." He said softly, while slowly reaching across the table, gently touching the crook of JD's elbow to try and lead his hands away from his face.

"I said don't fucking touch me!" He yelled, simultaneously both standing up from the table and swiping his plate across causing it to crack into pieces on the tile.

Great, at this point the kid is going to break all my dishes. Cox put his hands up, a white flag. "JD? I need you to look at me." He took a step closer. "You've bottled this up for a long time." Another step closer. "You've never told anyone until now" Another step closer. "You're angry." He was close enough to grab his hand now, fingers careful to move slowly. "You feel out of control". He moved forward with the other hand slowly pulling JD towards him. "I understand Newbie. I do."

JD leaned into him as he was pulled forward. "I don't know what to do". He stood still, hands to his side while Cox's hand pulled him closer, pushing on his lower back.

"I know."

"I want things to be normal"

"I know."

There was a long silence. "I'm sorry about your dishes."

"I know."

"I'm angry."

"You deserve to be." He pulled his other hand up so it rested on JD's neck. "But no more throwing things. My neighbours are going to think I beat you." If he could've eaten his words as soon as he spoke them, he would have. "I didn't mean…"

"I know." He shifted to snuggle closer. "I'm so tired."

Cox sighed. "Go lay down. I'll clean up." He started to separate, but JD pulled closer. "JD, if I don't get the syrup off the floor…"

JD pulled away quickly. "I'll do it, it's my fault anyway."

"No. JD stop. Please." Lord help me these mood swings are going to kill me. "You don't need to do that. Go lay down." He turned JD to guide him toward the other room. "This doesn't excuse you from your appointment later, so watch some ridiculous show until we need to go."

Textbooks don't tell you what it's like to look after someone with PTSD, they only tell you what the symptoms are. This is, this is real. This is JD. Cox looked into the other room seeing JD aimlessly flip through channels. Okay, he's okay. Step 2, call Carla. Cox slipped into the bathroom, removing the syrup stained shorts while the phone rang.

"What's wrong?" She sounded panicked.

"Nothing. Jesus." He put the laundry in the hamper. "Listen, we're, God Carla, I can't." He felt ashamed, he's a competent doctor, he should be able to do this.

"Do you want Turk to come?" She prompted.

He growled. And then there was silence.

Carla softened. "I can leave him here?"

"No". This is humiliating. "Bring him. It'll make him feel better. I just need 2 hours. If I don't sleep, I'm going to say something I can't take back."

"He can come here Perry."

"No, he can't. He feels safe here. And, I want to know where he is." Am I holding him prisoner?

"I get it. We'll be over in 20." And with that she hung up. Cox sat on the toilet seat and sighed before deciding he needed to get dressed before they arrived.

—-------

"Your wife and his wife are on their way over" he spoke, as he pulled a t-shirt over his head.

JD stared at him. "Why?"

"Because I need sleep, and you need a distraction". And I don't trust you alone. "They are nawt coming with us to your appointment. I don't give a damn if Gandhi found the person." He rubbed his hand through JD's hair.

"Mhmm". He sighed contentedly, until he felt his head tip up.

"Can you handle opening the door to your gal pals alone?" He said sternly, but softened to add "no more lying".

JD looked up at him, trust in his face, reading his partner, and shook his head.

"That's okay. I'll wait." Cox sat down next to him and then turned to add "I'm proud of you".

JD dropped his head. Proud of a failure who can't even open his own door.

—-------

"You missed a hell of a show, the Todd was reprimanded for high fiving someone with a broken hand. How did he think broken hand five was okay!"

JD laughed. A real laugh. Carla hadn't heard that in so long, that it warmed her heart. She put the jam away and took JD his toast. Speaking once he made eye contact. "Eye me all you want Bambi, I'm under strict orders to feed you before we leave."

He took the plate and frowned.

"Compromise, eat half, and I'll speak to your warden."

JD rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"So tell me Vanilla Bear, is he treating you right? Because I can talk to him man to man. And speaking of men, that one? Really dude?"

"Please don't" JD said with his mouthful.

"I'm not objecting, I've had time to think it over. I accept you. I'm just not sure that I accept him. He's so, mean, to you."

"He just doesn't like to be public about it. I get it."

The room fell into a comfortable silence, the TV running in front of them. "He's not pressuring you into anything."

The way Turk was looking at him nearly had JD spitting out his toast. "No! Please no. I can't talk about that with you. I love you Turk, but I can't, not yet."

"Turk, I think JD's okay here." Carla piped in calmly.

"No. I know that too, now. When I saw your stuff here the other day." He looked away "I just, I want you to know you can tell me things. Okay? Promise, anything anytime, you'll tell me."

JD looked slightly scolded. He knew it was a two type statement. Tell me about Cox, and tell me about your life. Don't keep secrets. "I promise Chocolate Bear."

Turk came in for a hug, only loosening his grip when JD audibly gasped. "Sorry".

It was then that Cox entered the room, newly dressed. "Hate to break up the play date, but Newbie, we have to go."

Turk pulled away and stood up and Carla walked over to give JD a hug goodbye. "Call anytime Bambi. And the same for you" as she pointed at Cox.

Cox rolled his eyes.

Turk didn't say anything, it was a silent understanding. Neither of them agreeing, or disagreeing. Just a mutual agreement that was JD.

—-------

"Is this your first time in therapy?" The psychiatrist asked. Melody was her name. She carried a calming smile. At least Turk had found a female. It's probably for the best.

"Yes?' he paused. "I don't know why that was a question. Yes." He fiddled with his cast before adding quietly. "I'm nervous." He turned to look towards the door.

"Do you want Dr. Cox to come in?" She inquired.

"Is that an option?" He responded eagerly, before shaking his head and adding "Not yet."

"Is he your partner? He seemed to know a lot about you." She pulled out her notepad to take small notes.

"No. I mean, yes? We haven't labeled it. I live there. With him. At his apartment." He looked at her, and then away.

"Are you embarrassed? To be in a relationship with a man?"

"What?" He looked at her with slight shock and venom. "No. Perry is wonderfully soft and kind, once you get behind the curtain. But no one gets behind the curtain, except me."

"He certainly knows a lot of details about why you're here." She looked at the paper he'd written for her. He'd obviously kept his patient confidentiality, all the notes seemed like they were things that happened at home. "He seems to think you're suffering from some post traumatic stress symptoms. How do you feel about that note?"

JD looked down. "He's probably right. I'm a doctor too, I'm not stupid."

"No one said you were. But today, all I want to talk about is you. Not what happened to you, not what someone else thinks you might have, not what a textbook will tell me." She sat back in her chair. "I just want you to tell me how you're feeling. Right now."

JD stared. "I don't have to tell you what happened to me?"

"Not if you don't want to. Not today." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Not what happened at the hospital? Not what happened at home? Or the police, or, or at breakfast?" He was rambling now.

"No John." She corrected herself "No JD. Not unless you want to."

It felt like 100 weights had been lifted off his chest. He looked relieved. "Okay. Okay, that's good. I can do that. I feel…" he stilled. How do I feel? "I feel…confused."

"What's confusing for you?" She started to pull something out of her drawer. A travel sized game of connect-4. She unboxed the game and separated the pieces as she spoke. "Are you familiar with this game? Do you know how to play?"

JD nodded, still confused.

"We can play while we talk about how you feel. Sometimes having something to do while you talk makes people less nervous. A little distraction never hurts anyone". And after noticing he'd raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to say something, "you're not at work right now".

They played in silence for a while before JD spoke up. "I worry him. He doesn't always say it, but I can tell by how he looks at me."

Melody didn't break in, she hoped he would continue.

"Everyone expects him to be like Duncan, because he's angry. But he really isn't. He doesn't scare me." He gently grabbed an edge of the piece with his casted fingers and placed it in. "He thinks he does, sometimes, I can tell that too."

She pretended to think and then played a piece after him. "So he makes you feel safe?"

JD bit his lip. "Maybe. He makes me feel…protected." He looked away towards the door. "He almost killed Duncan. He would've, if I hadn't stopped breathing."

If she was surprised, she didn't let it show. "Duncan, is that your dad?"

JD froze. "No." he said calmly. "Duncan is not a father." His eyes got narrow. "Duncan is, Duncan is, he's…" He shot up out of his chair and started pacing.

She expected a reaction, she prodded him, she just wasn't sure what kind of reaction she'd get. She remained seated. "What is he JD?"

"He's…a monster. He's everything I don't want to be. He's everything I don't want to remember." He paced around and didn't sit again until a couple minutes later when his chest hurt. "I think I'm done. Can we be done?"

"We can be done JD." She closed her notebook.

JD looked up, startled by her answer. It was still short of an hour and he felt like he was going to be held hostage.

"I want this on your terms. You're in control. You get to decide." She started to stand. "If you say we're done today. We're done today." She walked over and knelt in front of him. "I understand that you've not been in control of a lot of things. But this is yours okay? No one else's. You decide. Maybe someone else drives you, but you decide." She'd repeat it as many times as she needed to for probably months. "Now let me ask you" he looked at her "can I book you in again in a few days? Do you want to come back?"

JD looked at the door, as if he could see his protector on the other side.

"Don't think of him JD. Think of you."

He struggled to make his mouth work, and instead opted for nodding his head. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

She could sense his struggle. "Listen, there's still a few more minutes, do you want me to step out and let you have a few minutes alone?"

He nodded his head, closing his eyes.

She stood up and closed the door behind her.

—-------

Cox stood up immediately. Angry eyes when he saw she came out without him.

She held a finger to her lips signaling him to speak quietly. He grunted, but otherwise continued staring. "He needs a few minutes alone, to decompress before you take him home."

He looked towards the door.

"He knows you're worried", she said, "But he was very clear, you don't scare him."

Cox turned to look at her, his eyes softened.

"I won't say anything more, except, you need to let him make decisions. Good or bad, he needs to feel in control. Start small, like dinner choices. We'll talk about other options as we move forward." She walked towards her reception desk and wrote a date and time on a card before handing it over. "He agreed to come again. That's his choice too. If he decides not to come, don't push, he's a smart kid, he'll change his mind." She sat down at the desk. "Give him a few minutes, and then you can grab him. Safe independence. It's a lesson for both of you."

Cox didn't like that she was trying to fix him too. She-devil can go right to hell.

Chapter Text

“You’re healing nicely.” The doctor felt JD's ribs as he sat shirtless on the exam table. “I don’t think the cuts should scar too much.” He took out his stethoscope. “Take a breath for me.”

JD breathed deeply without making eye contact.

“I still don’t love the way that sounds, it’s still a bit laboured. Keep taking it easy.” He threw it back over his neck. “Still taking your meds?”

JD nodded silently.

“Have you been able to cut down at all?” he inquired.

JD looked toward Cox for answers, he didn’t even really know.

“We’ve stretched the timeline by about an hour or so. Mornings are still the toughest part.” he answered from his chair in the corner of the room. Clinical in effort.

“Step on the scale for me.” JD slid down off the table. Standing just in his boxers was making him very uncomfortable. He stood on the scale and looked up, he didn’t want to know.

“Hmm, I don’t like that. I want to see you try and put some weight on. How’ve you been eating?”

JD didn’t answer.

“Small. Liquid. It’s been…a struggle.” Cox answered for him.

“Can we try for at least 1 full meal a day?” The physician asked Cox.

Cox stiffened and grunted. “I don’t care if he doesn’t answer. Talk to him, not to me. He’s the patient, and he’s still in the fucking room.” he pointed towards JD.

The physician seemed taken aback. “I’m sorry”. He looked at JD “I apologize.” He cleared his throat. “I need you to eat more calories. It doesn’t matter how you get them. You’re losing too much weight.”

JD nodded.

"Can you tilt your head and look up for me?" He reached with both hands to feel JD's neck.

Cox was up immediately. "If you're about to lay two hands at a time around a patient's neck, a patient whose neck you're looking at because they were strangled. I will strangle you." He glared. JD just closed his eyes, he was trying to block it all out.

"Why don't we just call it a day today, okay?" He turned towards the door. "I'll fill your prescription for 2 weeks and I'll see you again in a few days." He exited quickly.

"Do you want me to finish Newbie?" He softly inquired.

JD was still standing with his eyes closed. His breathing was shaky. Lips twitching.

"JD?" He reached to gently cup the side of his face.

JD's eyes sprung open, glistening with unshed tears.

"Is there anything else you want me to take a look at? While we're here?" In this setting and not at home.

JD held up his cast slowly.

"Is your hand bothering you?" He took his fingers and watched JD's face as he moved them slowly. He started with each finger individually until he noticed a slight grimace when he got to his pinky and ring finger. "Does that hurt?"

JD nodded.

Cox sighed. "I'm going to need you to use actual words, Newbie."

JD chewed his cheek. "My FDP tendon."

Cox turned his hand over and checked at the elbow. "You could have a tear in your tendon that got missed. I'll tell them to arrange another CT scan." He moved JD's arm up and down at the shoulder "Anything else?"

JD shook his head and looked down.

He'd been like this all morning. "Let's get the silent man dressed then." He was trying to be playful but was afraid it came off as sarcastic. He grabbed the soft jogging pants from the table and rolled the legs up so JD could just step into them. Like dressing a docile child. He proceeded to do the same with the t-shirt, pulling JD's arms through when no effort was made to move his limbs. Cox sighed and took his chin in his hand. "What's going on in there?" When JD gave no response, Cox pulled him in for a hug. Feeling JD finally move on his own accord when he rested his head on his shoulder.

—-------

The rest of the day was similar. JD was so quiet it had become concerning. Not only that, but he was stuck to him like velcro. After coming back from the bathroom, Cox had found him sitting on the bed waiting for him, startling him when he opened the door. He walked over to the bed and pulled up the blankets "Get in".

JD stared at him. "I'm not tired".

Finally some words. "I know you're not, just do me the favor." Cox took off his pants standing only in his boxers and a t-shirt before walking to the other side of the bed and getting under the covers. The afternoon sunlight coming in through the window.

JD wasn't sure what to think. This was unlike his partner. He cautiously laid down in bed and pulled the sheet up over himself. He felt Cox shift closer bringing his arm around JD's shoulders. Instinctively JD shifted onto his side and put his head on his chest, listening to the calming sound of a heartbeat.

They laid in silence for some time, before JD felt calm enough to start drawing circles on Perry's arm with his finger pads. And then felt hands through his hair.

"It's going to be okay. You know that right?"

JD just nodded into his chest.

Silence filled the room again before Cox broke it. "I love you. I'm glad" he cleared his throat "I'm glad you moved in".

JD knew how hard this was for him. Emotions. And now he thinks he truly understood. I tried to be everything they weren't, Perry just mirrored what he understood. He tilted his head up and looked at his face. Using his good hand to etch the feel of his face to memory. The face of the man who loved him. Cared for him. Protected him.

Perry kept his eyes closed and breathed in this moment of normalcy. He got into bed because he knew it was what JD needed, but maybe it was what he needed too. When he opened his eyes, JD’s big eyes were looking back at him, with nothing in them but adoration and love.

“I love you too.” JD spoke.

And that’s all it took. Weeks of lust built up and poured into one moment. JD climbed up Cox’s chest, keeping his better arm on the bed to hold himself steady. Mouths meeting like they were hungry for each other.

Cox grabbed JD and flipped them so he was on top. Not only did he like being in control, he didn’t like the idea of JD having to hold himself up. JD immediately spread his legs so that Cox could be inbetween. Cox pushed his mouth hard into JD’s, gingerly pulling on his hair with one hand, his other hand reaching below his shirt and feeling along his chest.

“Off” JD said, as he pulled on Cox’s t-shirt. “I want to feel you.”

Cox sat up and peeled off his shirt, exposing the chest hair underneath. He pulled JD's shirt up over his head gingerly, trying to ensure he didn't have to sit up too far. Tossing them both to the side off the bed, he tucked one hand behind JD's neck and leaned on his elbow before engaging in more sloppy kisses.

"JD? We don't have to do this." He said between breaths.

"Yes, we do. I want to." He whispered into his ear. He reached down to cup his lover's boxers.

Cox was already hard. It wasn't going to take much, but he wanted to be a gentleman about it. He reached down into JD's pants and grabbed a firm hold of his cock. Nudging his head to the side "I'm going to make you cum."

JD shuddered. "Please."

Cox bit his ear. "Tell me how much you want it." He whispered. As he used the precum to run his hand up and down comfortably.

JD's eyes rolled. "I want it. Please Perry."

"Not yet". He let go. Pulling his hand back and kneeling to put his thumbs on the elastic of JD's joggers, pulling them down. He growled hungrily at the sight of JD's length.

Sliding his legs out, he cooed at the feeling of being naked with his partner. "Get naked too. I need you."

Cox reached down and shimmied out of his own boxers. Sliding back between JD's legs, letting their members mingle together in the middle. He looked at JD who seemed in pure bliss. He stuck two fingers in his partner's mouth, who licked them all over, pushing down his bottom lip on the way out. "Good boy".

JD moaned as Cox wrapped his hand around his cock again.

"I love that sound," Cox growled. "Do it again." He grabbed a little tighter and pulled up a little faster. Eliciting a gasp from JD.

"I won't last very long." His head tilted back. "God I love you. Don't stop."

The head tilt gave Cox the perfect access. Licking his jawline. He whispered. "What if I stopped right now?" He let go. Edging JD was one of his favorite games. He loved nothing more than watching him leak all over the bed, eagerly waiting for release.

"Please." He looked at Cox. "I'm injured". He put on his best puppy dog face and held out his casted hand.

Cox stopped and lifted his fingers to his lips giving them a gentle kiss. "Then maybe we should stop, if you're hurting so badly." He teased, and faked getting out of bed.

"No!" He pouted. "Stop." JD cried out.

Cox smiled. "I thought so." He grabbed both of JD's hands and moved them to the headboard. "Don't move." He said sternly. JD pouted and wiggled underneath him, but did as he was told. Cox reached over to the bedside table grabbing the lube from the first drawer. Let's keep it simple the first time.

He squeezed a generous amount into his hand before discarding the bottle to the side. Rubbing it in his hands to warm it up, he watched as JD eyed him with anticipation. He pounced with a kiss, enjoying the lust, and enjoying the way JD arched his back as he reached down and started to jerk him off. Pacing himself, he liked a slow burn. A hot burn. He could feel how hard he was as his own wrist bumped into his loins.

"Perry…I…it feels so good."

"Are you going to cum for me?" This was their game, never without permission.

"I want to." He stuttered out.

"I know you do". He slowed down. JD moaned.

"Ohmygod" he said, as he felt Perry continually speed up and slow down. "Perry. Perry please." He spread his legs further, now thrusting in rhythm.

"What did I say about moving?" Cox pushed down on JD's hip bone.

"Not to move" JD replied, grunting with pleasure.

"Seems you were a bad boy." He held his hand still. "Bad boys get punished. Bad boys don't get to cum."

That was all it took to elicit a moaned scream. "No, no no no. Please." He felt Perry move at an excruciating slow pace. "Please let me cum for you. I'll be a good boy." His eyes rolled as he felt his hand tighten.

Cox took in JD in all his glory. Hair stuck about, eyes rolling, mouth wide open. "Cum for me JD." He growled.

And with that, JD had to cover his own mouth with his hand to stop from disrupting the entire apartment building. His moans behind his hand sending Cox into aggressive heat. Stroking faster. JD exploded, multiple ropes of cum covering Cox's hand, but he didn't stop right away. He didn't stop until JD begged from the high sensitivity.

"Perry, please, oh my god." He cried

With everything squeezed out, Cox wiped his hand on the sheet. I'll wash them later. And while JD wormed his way up the bed, Cox kneeled in front of him, legs on either side, so that all JD had to do was open wide.

JD licked his lips before sticking his tongue out. Looking up at Cox with his big doe eyes.

Cox lost it, shoving his dick in JD's mouth, thrusting with his hands pushing against the bedroom wall. Knowing just how far to go before he'd choke. He groaned and tipped his head back as he felt a tongue work around him in steady skilled circles. He knew he wouldn't last long, he'd been as abstinent as JD had. "JD. God." He brought one hand down to pull on JD's hair.

JD took that as a sign to go deeper, before hearing a true guttural moan from his partner. He brought up his hands, using one hand to caress his balls, and the casted fingers slowly traced up to Cox's thigh.

One tap. JD hungrily swallowed and licked.

Second tap. He sucked and breathed. Opened wide to let his tongue trail with sloppy sex.

Cox anxiously awaited the 3rd tap in anticipation. "JD" he moaned, letting the D sound hang on his breath like a desire he needed to fill.

JD loved hearing that noise. Begging with his name. It made him moan himself. Third tap. And Cox erupted, as JD sucked and squeezed and swallowed him dry.

Cox had moved both hands back to the wall so as to not collapse on his partner. He sucked in a ragged breath before leaning back on his ankles and kissing JD one more time. Rolling off and laying down next to him, both of them now completely spent and satisfied.

They laid in silence for a while, the sound of catching their breath filled them room until JD grabbed his hand and held it tighter. "It's going to be okay." He spoke aloud. And for the first time since all the chaos had started, he felt like it was true.

Chapter Text

"You can't be serious Dan!"

Cox wiped the sleep from his eyes as he opened the bedroom door to an aggressive conversation.

"Where is she supposed to go JD?" Dan shouted back.

"I don't know! I don't care!" He threw his arms up wincing at the aggressive movement.

Cox whistled, drawing both their attentions to the doorway. "Hate to break up the family fiesta, but what the hell is going on here?"

Dan looked away as JD screamed at Cox. "My brother is putting our mom up in a motel."

"She can't leave the state with the charges. She made bail, not freedom. What do you want me to do?"

"To not help her!" JD paced the kitchen "God Dan, I thought for one second. One second, that you had my back. That someone in my family had my back." His chest hurt, he needed to sit down. As if Cox could read his mind, a chair was pulled out from the table. He looked, and then ignored it. He was not in the mood to be babied.

"Johnny look, I can't, I can't just leave her on the street. She's our mom." He looked heartbroken.

"Well you certainly left me." JD spit with venom in his voice. He wanted to be sick. "I can't believe this is happening again. Am I dreaming? Is this a nightmare?" He looked at the kitchen drawer. Test it?

Cox watched him carefully. "Newbie…."

JD turned away from his intrusive thoughts and got in Dan's face. "You're helping a monster. That's what she is. She sold me to her fucking boyfriend, and even after everything that happened, you want to help her." He backed away. "Why are you doing this to me?" He slid down the far wall and sat on the floor. "You want to help her. Do you know how awful that makes me feel?"

Dan looked up, trying to keep the unshed tears away before he sat down next to his brother. This is my brother. "I'm sorry."

JD looked away. "Please don't. If you're going to help her, I don't want to hear you say sorry." He paused to catch a breath. "How could you Dan? Really. She tried to let him kill me. She planned that. She knew. She…"

"I know." Dan cut him off. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do."

"You want to be a good brother, then take my side, like you promised. You promised!" JD shouted. "You stood right in that hospital room and you promised me!" His world was spinning, becoming grey around the edges. He tried to blink it away. "Dan, I, what?"

Cox knelt down, he could tell JD was becoming disoriented. "Hey kid" he said softly. "Look at me."

JD looked up but his eyes weren't focused. In fact, they were barely being held open.

"Okay, here we go." Cox slid him out from the wall and put one hand behind his neck lowering him down to lay on the floor. When JD tried to get up he pushed down on his chest. "No. Lay down. Take a breath."

JD closed his eyes. He could feel Cox taking his pulse. He's probably looking at his watch.

"What's wrong with him?" Dan asked

Cox threw back at him. "You're causing him anxiety." He took a beat before adding. "It's the syncope. Grab me some water will you?" He turned back to JD. "You still with me, Newbie?"

JD didn't answer. His mouth felt like it was full of cotton, he was having trouble hearing. He felt someone touching his forehead. He tried to open his eyes, squinting at the ceiling. "m okay". He sounded tired. He felt his feet be lifted up.

After handing Cox the water, he was pointed to sit down at JD's feet as they were set in his lap. Trying to keep them slightly elevated. Dan stared at JD as he lay on the floor and was taken back to a memory.

—-------

Dan stood at the kitchen counter as JD came in through the backdoor of the house. He did a double take as he saw the face that came into the house. "Who'd you pick a fight with Johnny?" He walked over and tried to examine the black eye. The light in the kitchen was barely enough to get a good look.

JD faltered. "Some kid at school". He turned away. "Don't worry about it."

Dan could tell his brother was upset. "Want me to sucker punch him at lunch?" He joked, as he unwrapped 2 poptarts and put them in the toaster.

"No" he shook his head. "It's fine, really." He stood infront of the open fridge and poured a glass of juice, before sitting at the table and holding the cool glass against his eye. His body relaxed in relief.

Dan clocked it, but didn't say anything. JD isn't exactly a tough guy, he's an easy target. The silence in the kitchen felt heavy.

"Is Duncan around?" JD asked without opening his eyes.

"Nah. Him and mom went for dinner. It's just you and me tonight." The poptarts sprang up, and Dan threw one on each plate. "Bon appetite little bro". He slid the plate in front of his brother.

"I'm not really hungry Dan." He slid the plate back.

He looks tired. "If you get any more skinny, you'll be easier to knock around". He pushed it back. "Eat."

JD looked at his brother, sighed, and then picked at his 'dinner'. "Yeah, okay."

They ate in silence. "Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's going on JD?" he inquired softly.

JD paused chewing, then shook his head.

Dan eyed him. They weren't very close, they both knew that. "Because if someone's hurting you, you can tell me…"

"I said just drop it Dan" he looked at his brother "please."

"Okay….ok."

He watched him for a few days after that, and then ultimately forgot about it.

—-------

Cox set the water down on the floor to give JD a minute, still holding his hand. "If you aren't on his side Dan, you need to leave" his words slicing the tension in the air.

"I don't know what to do." Dan replied.

"You definitely do. Or you're definitely stupid." He gestured to JD laying on the floor. "You saw this before. You saw it all the first time. And you didn't notice. This time he's telling you. Be better." Cox pushed JD's hair out of his face, getting some eyebrow movement in response. He turned back to Dan. "If you want to ditch him Dan, that's your prerogative, but I can't let you come here and do this to him. Not a second time. I won't."

Dan looked down. He was being scolded. He was being scolded by his brother's boyfriend. He was being scolded for being a bad brother.

"You love him?" Cox asked.

Dan just looked down. Nodding.

He was trying not to scream at him. "Then do what he's asking." He turned back to JD and tipped his head forward, holding the water to his lips. "Hey" he spoke in a hushed tone. "I need you to take a sip of water".

JD shook his head. "I need another minute." He wiggled his fingers which were supposed to represent 'fuzzy'. Turk would understand.

"I really am sorry" Dan quietly said.

JD thought about it for a moment. "It's okay. I know" he paused to take a breath "it's hard for you." He squinted open his eyes. "You don't hate them. Not like I do."

"But he should," Cox growled and eyed him.

"No. He shouldn't." JD let a tear fall. "It's only me they don't love. You shouldn't either."

And there's the mood swing again. Cox gripped his hand tighter. He wasn't sure what to say at that moment, so he just squeezed. Squeezed like JD's life dependent on knowing someone was there.

"You're right." Dan said, immediately revising his words. "You're right about mom I mean." He put his hand on his brother's shin. "Do you remember that time I made you pop tarts for dinner? You were probably 12 years old." He stared across the kitchen. "You had a black eye. You told me not to worry about it." He fiddled with a stray string on JD's sweatpants while Cox eyed him. "You said a kid at school jumped you. You said I didn't need to worry about it." He took a breath. "I didn't even second guess you."

The room was quiet.

"You're right. And you keep forgiving me anyway."

In the tiniest whisper of a voice, JD spoke. "You're all I had. You were the one thing they couldn't take from me." He cracked one eye open. "I'm begging you."

That broke his heart in a way you could physically see. All the guilt, all the years, all the memories. Looking back now that he knew, it was all so hard to unsee. Dan gingerly lifted JD's legs off him before clumsily standing up. "I need to go." He stammered.

"Where do you think you're going?!" Cox barked at him.

Dan was already out of the room. Cox went after him leaving JD on the floor. "Dan!"

"I need to go. I need to think. I need to figure this out." He was shoving his feet into his shoes.

"If you leave, I can't promise he'll forgive you when you come back!" He stormed into the room. "I won't," he added snarkily.

Dan was shaking now. "I. Can't. Handle. This." He breathed out.

"And what do you think he's doing? Relaxing on the kitchen floor?!"

Dan slumped to the floor, broken. "How am I supposed to do this?" He dropped his head.

Cox was more aggravated than he thought possible. "You need to grow a pair, Danielle, and figure out your life." He was escalating in volume now. "Stop worrying about the assholes that put you in this position, and start worrying about how to punish them." He squatted down and poked Dan in the chest. "I swear to you Dan, if you hurt that kid in there 1 more time, I'll make sure to convince him that you're as big a monstrosity as they are. Do you hear me?"

Dan just looked at him. Tears on his face. Quietly speaking. "Okay."

Cox left him in the entranceway, shoes half on, sobbing, alone; and when he walked into the kitchen, JD was curled on his side doing the exact same thing.

—-------

Cox had managed to get JD to the couch after he refused to go to bed. Laying down with his hood up over his head. Yet another half eaten piece of toast sat on a plate on the floor next to him. Cox sat with his back against the front of the sofa. Dan had stalked off to the spare room. He never did leave, and he'd been there ever since.

"How's your pain?" He half turned between the couch and the tv.

JD didn't answer, and just made a "so-so" motion with his hand. Cox grabbed it and moved his fingers one at a time, being extra gentle at the pinky. JD let his eyes linger closed for a minute before looking back at his partner. "Why are you doing this?" JD asked quietly.

Cox stared at him. "What do you mean?" He turned more and rested his face on the couch cushion so they were mere inches apart.

"Why are you… why do you…why am I here?" JD's eyes filled with tears.

Cox could tell he was hurting, inside and out. "JD." he sighed. He reached his hand into the hood so he could toy with his hair. "Hey. Don't do that okay." He tilted JD's chin up. "You're better than that. You're better than them."

JD bit his lip to hold back tears before his eyes flicked back to the tv. "The poptarts Dan brought up. It was after that that Duncan stopped hitting me in the face."

They sat in silence for some time before JD spoke up again. "Can you ask and see if Melody had any time today?" his voice croaked.

"Sure kid, I can do that". She was right.

Chapter Text

"He's not trying to hurt you. You know that?" Melody asked, as they played another game of connect four.

JD picked up a piece and fiddled with it before finding a slot. "Yeah" he slid it into place "I know."

She picked up her pad for a second. "JD, you mentioned earlier a dinner you remembered with your brother…"

"I never forgot about it. Dan did." He interrupted.

She nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?"

JD looked away and swallowed what felt like bile. "Do you think" he stammered slowly "Perry could come in? That way I only have to tell the story once."

"Is that what you want?" She asked.

He continued looking away, but nodded his head.

Melody removed herself from the room and stepped out into the waiting room. She closed the door behind her.

Cox looked up and then down at his watch. It hadn't even been a half hour yet. He put down the medical journal he'd brought with him, and got up to meet her.

"He wants you to come in, but I wanted to set some ground rules."

His eyes showed concern, but he tried not to let it show on his face. Cox nodded once.

"No interrupting. Not with encouragement, not with sympathy. Let me do my job. You're coming in because he doesn't want to have to tell the story a second time, and because I think it'd be good for him to have support."

Cox nodded again. "Alright."

She opened the door and let them both inside. By the time they came back, JD was pacing the room. Once he saw Cox he tried a half smile, and upon failure, slammed into him for a hug.

Cox wrapped his arms around him and whispered. "I know." he rubbed his back. "I know."

JD separated slowly and pointed for Cox to go sit on the sofa, and once he did that, JD sat on the floor, positioned between his legs. He pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt.

After he was settled, Melody moved a chair over so she was across from them and sat down with her pad. "Okay JD. I want you to close your eyes."

He released the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Perry, can you shift your legs a little closer together?"

He shifted his feet a little.

"I want you to know you're protected now, okay? No matter what you see, what you hear, you're protected."

JD softly reached over and felt the warmth of his partner's legs beside him, and nodded his head. "You can start when you're ready," he heard her say.

He swallowed, and reached for Perry's ankle. He wanted something to hold onto. He took a breath before he was transported back to a time and place in his memory he would've liked to have forgotten.

—-------

"What is this?!" Duncan screamed

JD shied away when he saw what he was holding. It was a letter. A letter detailing the abuse he was dealing with at home. He didn't have to be able to read it from his side of the room to know what it was, he was the one who wrote it. He’d written the letter as a plea, a hope to get out. A last ditch effort to solve the problem himself.

They stood alone in the family room. "You gave this to your teacher." He walked closer and snarled at JD. "And they gave it to me". Duncan walked closer again, JD knew better than to back up. The chase only makes him want it more. "You're lucky they did." He shoved JD so he fell into the wall behind him. "If you ever tell anyone" he punched JD in the face knocking him to the floor "I will kill you. I'll kill whoever you tell. And then I'll kill your brother." He laid several more kicks into JD as he was down on the ground. Once JD laid silently broken he knelt down and picked up his head by his hair. "You hear me?!"

JD nodded silently. Duncan pulled up harder. "I want to hear you say it!"

JD tried not to, but whimpered anyway. "I hear you." he spoke quietly.

"Good." He let him fall to the floor. "Now get up, your mom will be home soon, and Dan has a hockey game."

As he laid on the ground, JD resolved that this would be his last time here. The next note they'll find will be my suicide.

—-------

JD sat quietly, Cox couldn't even hear him breathing. JD's shoulders were shaking and as he went to put a hand on them, he saw Melody shake her head. So he withheld, and instead clenched his jaw so hard it felt like his teeth might break.

"JD, are you with me?" Melody asked him.

No response.

"JD, I need you to answer a question for me. Have you ever tried to kill yourself?"

No response. The room was silent, and then somehow felt heavier when JD held up his hand and poked 2 fingers out of the sleeve.

"Do you still feel that way?"

JD lowered his hand into his lap. Do I? Maybe. But what if I took the last weeks out of my life, do I then? I mean, maybe? No. I don't think so. Turk. Carla. Perry. Heck Elliott. But what about me? Am I happy? I'm a good doctor. I get to help people. I've made good strides yea? No, I don't think I would anymore. Apparently he was taking too long to answer the question because he felt Perry's legs tighten on either side of him. "No. I don't think so." He spoke quietly, but with conviction. He felt Perry relax.

"That's good." She shifted in her chair. "Listen, we don't have a lot of time left, so I'd like to give you a task." He didn't pull his hood down, but his body language showed he was listening. "I know that telling people never went your way. That's a really traumatic thing you went through, trying to help yourself and having it backfire like that. I understand why it made you stop trying." She watched his head drop lower, so she nodded to Cox, who immediately put his hand on the crook of JD's neck, trying to feed him strength. "JD, I know you're smart, but I also know you have decades of trauma memory convincing you otherwise." She sat down on the floor and removed his hood slowly. The messy hair and track marks down his face. "I need you to find it in yourself to let people know how you're feeling. When you're overwhelmed, when you're not okay. Don't shut them out, just because you think they won't support you." Cox tightened his grip making JD nod his head. "I also want you to sit down with your brother." She could see him tense. "Set clear boundaries. If he's going to help you, he can't help your mom. And you have to be prepared for it to go the other way." He remained silent. "Do you understand?" She said softly.

His breathing was rapid, but he squeezed out his words. "Yes".

"Good. I'm going to give you two a minute, I have some paperwork to finish before I go." She picked up her laptop off her desk and quietly exited the room.

Once third party eyes were gone, Cox wasn't sure what to do. I'm too old for the floor. Somehow sensing how he was feeling, JD stood up, ran his hands through his own hair and took a few steps to sit down before changing his mind and started walking towards the window. He looked outside before speaking. "I won't blame you, you know."

Cox didn't say anything.

"If you want to go." His voice grew quieter. "You don't have to do this."

Cox stood up. He walked to stand next to him at the window. "When I was a kid, I did anything to protect Paige." He took a breath. "If dad was mad at her, I'd rile him so he would hit me instead." He took JD's hand. "I'm sorry Dan didn't do the same for you."

JD shook his head. "I didn't want him to"

Cox shook his head too. "I know, but he should have."

"He's going to help her." JD said as he leaned into Cox. "He's going to help her and I don't want to let him go from my life." He leaned back away and further into the window putting his forehead on the glass.

Cox wrapped an arm around him. "Maybe he'll surprise you." But I doubt it.

—-------

Dan wasn't home when they got back, so Cox had called Carla and Turk to come over. He was putting dishes away when Carla came in.

"Hey." She said, as she put her jacket down and sat at the table.

Cox didn't turn around, and just grunted a hello.

"How'd it go this morning?" She asked

His shoulders slumped as he picked up another plate to put it away. "I wish I had killed that guy at the hospital" he spoke with venom.

Carla nodded even though his back was turned. For a while the room was quiet as he finished tidying up. After he wiped off the counter, he sat down across from her and rubbed his face. Raking his fingers through his hair.

"He keeps telling me I don't have to do this. I can leave at any time."

"Are you?" She asked in surprise

"No." He shot back aggressively. He shook his head "No. I just don't know how to help him anymore. This is beyond my wheelhouse. He isn't angry, he's depressed. That's worse." He looked away from her. "I'm worried he's going to…find a way out.".

Carla didn't have to hear him say the words to know what he just said. Tears settled in her eyes before she reached for his hand. "Bambi's going to be just fine, Perry. He has a family, it's ours."

"Yeah, you say that. But you didn't see him in there Carla." He looked away trying to find the words. "He's struggling. Hell, I'm…" he trailed off.

"Struggling?" Carla finished for him.

He didn't respond.

—-------

"Hey JD" he spoke quietly and sat down on the sofa by his feet. He swallowed and looked around cautiously before continuing. "You know, I didn't understand before, why you wouldn't tell me. I thought maybe you didn't trust me."

JD opened his eyes, but stared straight ahead at the wall.

"I know now that wasn't it. You didn't not tell me for my sake, you did it for yours. You wanted that part of your life behind you. Behind us."

JD looked over at him without trying to move his neck.

"I love you man. You're my family." Turk paused again. "And, and I'm really proud of you."

JD didn't reply, he just moved his foot into Turk's lap. He wanted touch, he wanted it from those he loved. Turk just nodded, laying a hand gently on his ankle, as they both turned back to the tv.

—-------

The next thing JD knew he was being shaken awake.

"Newbie! Hey!"

He opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. His throat felt dry, and he could still feel hands on it. He reached up to pull them off when he found nothing was there. He looked down at his chest, and then up to see the person standing before him.

"I asked if you were okay."

JD took stock of himself, and looked around the room. "Yeah, I'm okay." he said softly.

Cox eyeballed him, grunting at his answer. "You were screaming"

JD looked confused. "Was I?" Cox nodded and offered to help him stand up. His body ached as he stood, like he'd been rigid in his sleep. "Bathroom" as he started to turn that direction.

It was a slow trip. At some point he thought he'd heard Cox say "you slept through your last timing for the pain meds", but once he was situated in the room alone, he could only assume that's where Perry had gone.

JD looked at himself in the mirror, really looked. Stitches, cuts, broken bones. He flash-backed to an earlier version of himself, an older replica of the photos in that box. He felt his face and tilted to see the bruising underneath. It wasn't quite as dark but would probably take weeks to fade at this point. Don't cry. He bit his lip and clenched his jaw. Closing his eyes to compose himself.

"JD?" Cox voiced from the other side of the door.

"Just a second" he tried with authority, but it didn't sound quite right. He looked in the mirror again, gently running his hands over his scalp, feeling the little cuts. He'd shave if his hands were up to holding things for a long period of time. You did this once before, this happened before, and remember who you became. And with the most resolve he swore he could muster, he opened the door.

Chapter Text

Dinner had been a pretty quiet affair. Abnormally quiet. It’d been a couple of days since therapy and Dan was still hiding out at Turk’s place in avoidance.

“I want to go outside.” JD said quietly. He looked embarrassed to even ask, forking around the leftovers on his plate.

Cox looked at him “If that’s what you want”. He stood up from the table, taking their plates with him to the sink. Rinsing them off gave him a minute to hide his feelings. Although he was getting around a little better, it often felt like two steps forward and one step back. But Elton had asked that they keep moving around. He went back to the table to give JD a hand.

After convincing him to put on real sneakers because he “absolutely did not need him tripping in flip flops”, they pulled on light jackets and stepped into the hall. JD waited as his partner locked the door behind them. Outside of going to the car and back, this was the first time he was venturing outside without an agenda. It almost felt normal.

The sun was low in the sky, sunset colors spreading themselves across the clouds. JD paused on the sidewalk and just took in the evening. “You ok?” bringing him out of his thoughts. He turned towards Perry. “Just thinking” as he stared at the sky “I almost didn’t get to see this again.” Perry’s breath hitched a little, but he tried to hide it by looking away, getting left behind as JD continued onward slowly.

JD continued “I never thanked Turk for saving my life”.

Perry took 2 quick steps to catch up. “He knows JD, there’s no reason to thank him.” He shrugged his shoulders trying to avoid conversations that were overly feely. “He's also a doctor, he did what he needed to”.

“Yea, you’re right. I know that.” He slowed down more to catch his breath a little, ribs still feeling tender. “I also didn’t thank you.” He reached for his hand.

Cox wasn’t sure what to do, public displays weren’t in his wheelhouse. He couldn’t resist the urge to look around before he mustered the resolve to let those feelings go, and intertwined their fingers. Exhaling the breath he didn’t even know he had been holding.

JD squeezed a little, “Thank you”.

“It’s just a hand Newbie.” Cox gruffed.

“No, I mean, for everything.” He spotted a bench at a bus stop and started making that their trajectory. “I couldn’t have done this without you.” Perry squeezed back slightly.

They walked the rest of the way in silence, JD sitting down eagerly once they’d arrived. Cox standing next to him, too full of restless emotions to sit down. He put a hand on JD’s shoulder as he saw him slouch forward, leaning on his legs for support. The hand marks had faded slightly, but were still visible along the collar of his shirt.

JD closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Smelling the city, feeling the sunset on his face. He could almost forget what the last weeks have been. “Has it really only been weeks?” he said aloud.

Cox didn’t answer right away, waiting to see if JD continued. When he didn’t, he replied “Yea, the longest weeks of my lifetime.” JD just nodded.

They stayed that way for a while, until footsteps on the sidewalk self consciously had Cox pulling his hand away. He turned to see who it was, still living in a hypervigilant state, and in that moment, had never been more thankful he’d gone to meet Dan’s mom.

“John?” JD lifted his head quickly. It absolutely couldn’t be. “John, I know that’s you.”

JD couldn’t bring himself to turn his head. He was convinced this was a dream. His mind started spinning until he heard Cox “Take one step closer and I’ll have you arrested.” He felt a hand on his shoulder again “JD let’s go, right now.” JD was turned towards home in such a way that he’d never have been able to see who was behind him.

“I know that’s you! I’d never be able to forget the man who had his mother arrested!” she screamed. “You drop these charges John, this is absolutely ridiculous! And where is your brother!? I haven’t been able to get a hold of him in days!” She was furious. “John, you drop these charges against Duncan or I swear.”

Cox turned around somehow while simultaneously both pulling out his phone and pushing JD home as quickly as his mending bones would let him go. “You swear what!” He screamed back at her “That you’ll come for us?” He was already dialing the phone “Hi, yes, I’d like to speak to detective Walker or Miller. Yea, I’ll hold.” Pushing JD a little faster. The doctor version of himself showing now, with simultaneous decision making.

JD couldn’t go any faster, he was convinced this was a nightmare, he was having trouble breathing. How did she know I was here? His vision was swimming, and his legs felt like they might give out from underneath him. He started to flash back to childhood again, and all the times he’d run away from home. He felt a strong hold on his arm and a gruff “No JD, not here, keep going. We’re not that far.”

“John, you turn around, you hear me! Face your family! Look what you’ve done, this is all your fault you know that! This is all your fault! I will never forgive you!” She stormed after them. “You’ve ruined everything!”

Cox spoke again “Yea, hi, it’s Perry calling on behalf of JD, Dorian. We have an issue with a restraining order. It’s not being followed”. He turned around to see she’d stopped following so closely, but still screaming at them loud enough there was no way the detectives wouldn’t hear it on the other end. “We’re going to need emergency services”. Cell now pressed between his shoulder and his ear.

JD nearly tripped as they reached the front step to the building, two hands grabbing him from either side. His tongue felt too big for his mouth all of the sudden. “Go JD.” he heard from behind him. He pushed past the panic, feeling for the door handle with his blurry vision as more pain was shooting throughout his body. He felt his hands be moved out of the way before he was practically shoved through the half open door.

“I swear, if you come through this door, I will kill you before the police get here.” Cox growled.

Making it to the elevator, he risked one glance through the window, seeing his mother standing on the other side before the doors slid shut. It took everything in him not to collapse right there.

“JD? I need you to listen to me?” He was trying to get his attention, whistling loudly. Finally eyes reached up to meet his own “I need you to breathe”.

Have I not been? His eyes felt tired. No, I don’t think so. He tried taking one breath, coughing as he tried to get enough air in. He was uncontrollably talking to himself too quietly and nonsensical for Cox to make out.

“Calm breaths. Count of 5. You know how to do this.” Cox counted slowly, only stopping when the elevator dinged and the door opened. He pulled JD close and steered him towards their unit, protecting JD by pushing him in front even while he unlocked the deadbolt. He’d already started re-dialing since they got cut off in the elevator, but the phone rang instead “Yea, sorry, elevator. Yes, she’s still here. We made it upstairs.” He pushed JD gently onto the sofa, laying him down. “Yea, we’ll be here. See you soon.” He looked at his partner, eyes glossy, fear in his joints, flight senses taking over. “JD?”

JD couldn’t look at him, he’d already been transported back there. Memories flashing in front of his eyes, squeezing them closed to stop the onslaught of fear. He felt himself be shaken just enough to open his eyes, causing him to push the old memories aside and realizing he was in a new one. Bursting out in fear driven sobs. “How did she? Where did she? What do I?” He wasn’t finishing a single thought. “Is the door locked?” He turned to look.

“Yes kid, it’s locked.” He massaged JD’s hair to soothe him. “And I don’t know.”

—-------

They stayed like that for a long while, before a knock at the door threw them both out of their silence. JD winced and shrunk in on himself, while Cox got up to answer the door. Using the peephole before throwing the door open.

“We won’t stay long.” Miller said from the other side of the doorway “But I wanted to let you know we picked her up out front.” He took his hat off. “I’m sorry she was here.” He eyeballed JD on the couch who hadn’t looked up yet, speaking a little quieter. “How’s he taking it?”

Cox just scowled. “How do you think?”

Miller nodded. “Give the station a call tomorrow, I’ll be able to give you more details then.” He turned, hearing the door close and lock behind him.

Cox walked back to JD, gently lifting his face upwards. “Hey.” He stared, searching for anything that would tell him how he was doing.

“I’m tired” was JD’s only response.

“I know. Let’s go to bed.”

—-------

A pain killer later and he’d fallen asleep pretty quickly against him. He'd waited awhile until he felt JD's breathing even out, medical induced sleep or not, it's what he needed. Slipping out of bed, he went back to the living room and dialed another number “You need to send Dan back here. JD needs him here.”

Sipping a beer while he waited, this was the longest time he’d spent alone. He sighed, a deep frustrated sigh before hearing a key in the door lock.

Dan put down his bag quietly, before seeing that he was being waited up on. “Am I grounded?” Dan tried to make a joke, getting only narrow eyes in return. He sat down in the armchair to the side. “Turk said something was wrong”

“I never said that.” Cox replied, taking another swig.

“I don’t think you had to.” Dan replied.

Rip off the band-aid. “Your mom stopped by.” Turning to Dan who stared, eyes wide. “She made a real impression on the neighborhood, screaming all her insanities”. He paused. “JD needs you here. You need to be here.” Dan just nodded. “Let me make something very clear, we are not on good terms. I am not forgiving you. But it isn’t me who gets to decide.” He pointed towards the bedroom. “You’re lucky that kid loves you. Or I’d be putting you on death’s door.”

Dan just swallowed. He’d expected this, for his cowardly behavior. “I haven’t talked to her,” he paused. “I ran away from him, but I ran away from her too.” He fiddled with a fray string on his sweatshirt, unable to continue right away “He doesn’t need me to do this. He has you.” He looked at Cox. “You’re more family to him than I could ever be.”

“That may be true to me, but it isn’t true to him.” They fell in silence.

“What did she say?” Dan asked shyly.

“She’s going to kill him if she gets the chance Dan, that’s all you need to know.” He finished his beer and headed towards the bedroom, and from the other room quietly added “I don’t forgive you, but I need your help”.

Chapter Text

JD sat alone at the table, head down. Coffee cup in front of him as he stared ahead. He’d been there awhile, unable to sleep. His body ached, but he let it. His mind ran circles, but he let it. He felt pulled under a tsunami of flashbacks and feelings. A freight train was running over him.

Dan stood in the doorway, t-shirt and boxer shorts, hair awry, and looked at his brother. He felt a swell of memories fall over him. He rubbed his face, and walked in.

“Hey little brother,” he said quietly. “Want some company?”

JD didn’t respond. In fact, he made no reaction at all to confirm he knew he wasn’t alone.

Dan poured a cup from the pot and sat down at the table, opposite his brother. Silence filled the room.

“You know” he started, seeing if JD reacted “I was so excited when you were born.” He held his cup with both hands, feeling the warmth. “I had always wanted a brother. But when they brought you home you looked so small. I was afraid to hold you.” He watched JD’s shoulders slightly shift. “You never cried. You were so happy all the time. And all you wanted to do was look at people.” He took a sip of coffee. “Then you got older, dad died, mom remarried, and remarried again.” He cleared his throat. “We sort of drifted apart. I pushed you away.”

JD shifted his eyes, but didn’t make contact.

“I think maybe if I had looked harder, been smarter, been…a better brother. I would’ve known.” He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that I wasn’t, and haven’t, been someone you could look up to. To help you. To protect you.” He sighed to fill the silence. “You were always better than me JD, at a lot of things. I think I was jealous. You got your life together.” He watched his brother's face ever so slightly twitch. “I know it’s because you had to, I get that now.” He put the mug back down. “Will you look at me?” He spoke softly.

JD's chest filled with air, his body expanded as he thought about it. Eventually without lifting his head he moved his eyes forward towards his brother.

Dan watched cautiously, holding his breath in anticipation. When he saw eye contact he knew it was now or never. “I’m sorry. You have no reason to believe me. You don’t even have to. But I am sorry. You needed my help. And I ditched you. I’m a coward. I was scared. But I realized, you, you must be scared too. So, I want to try Johnny. I want to be better.”

JD didn’t respond, he just lowered his eyes back down towards the table.

Dan figeted before changing seats and moving to the one beside his brother. He took his casted fingers and quickly spilled out “I mean it. I’m not, I’m here to stay. I won’t give up on you. Please don’t give up on me.”

Funny he thought I’m not supposed to give up on him He exhaled slowly. Even breathing was causing him pain, it’d been hours since his last doses.

Dan sat, rubbing his brothers fingers. “When you were a kid, you already knew you wanted to be a doctor. You wanted to help people. That’s so intimidating to me, and daunting. I don’t even know what to do now.” He let sadness fill the room “You’d stop at nothing to help someone else. But you never told anyone to let them help you.” He stopped moving and just squeezed his hand “I’m not the best helper, it's undeniable that I have made mistakes, and probably made things worse. Please don’t shut me out.” He looked at the side of JD’s face. “I swear to you, just tell me what to do.”

JD slid his fingers from his grasp and slowly stood up without saying anything. He walked over to the counter dumping most of a cup of coffee in the sink, back facing his brother. He braced himself on the counter with his better hand. “I think you should go Dan. I think I need to do this on my own.” He didn’t turn around.

Dan spoke softly but firmly “Why?”

JD sucked in a breath. “Because they’re going to kill me, or I’m going to die. And it won’t matter.” And with that, he walked away, leaving Dan at the table to hear the bathroom door close behind him.

—-------

Dan didn’t like the way he said that ‘Or I’m going to die’. His gut was giving warning bells. Ones he used to ignore. He put his cup in the sink. You said you were going to be better, prove it He walked away to get help.

—------

Cox was startled awake by footsteps that weren’t JD’s. He opened his eyes and growled, stopping when he saw it was Dan.

Dan whispered “Hey Coxy, you awake?”

Cox grumbled “What do you want?” as he wiped his face.

Dan looked away, he was uncomfortable asking. “JD said something strange to me, and” he said the rest very quickly “I think you should talk to him”.

Cox leaned on his elbows to sit up further. “What exactly did he say?”

—------

JD pulled his pills from the medicine cabinet. He wasn’t ready to take them, but he wanted to be alone. He wanted to hurt. He grabbed them all before sitting on the floor, leaning against the side of the tub. Lining the bottles up in front of him one at a time. Pills for pain. Pills for anxiety. Pills for sleeping. Antibiotics. Pills for pooping because of the pain pills. Pills, pills, pills. After he lined them up, he just stared at them. He’d been here before, looking at them in a line, but he meant what he had said to Melody, he didn’t really want to die. He just wanted this to be over. What if this is never over? He slouched down so his back rested on the floor, staring at the ceiling. The cool tile felt nice on his bruises.

—-------

Cox got out of bed and pulled on a shirt. “That doesn’t make any sense, Petunia.”

“I thought you reserved those names for JD?” Dan shot back.

Cox glared, grabbing sweats from the drawer. Pulling them on quickly, he blew past Dan to knock on the bathroom door. “JD, you okay in there?” JD didn’t respond. Cox wiggled the doorknob, not locked. “I’m going to come in.”

JD expected this. For Dan to be a tattletale. Maybe he wanted that, otherwise he wouldn’t have said anything at all. He bent his legs so his feet would be out of the way when the door opened.

And that’s how Cox found him. Staring up at the ceiling, splayed on the floor, surrounded by pill bottles.

Cox surveyed the room carefully before closing the door behind him. It was a tighter squeeze with JD taking up most of the floor space, so Cox opted for sitting on the side of the tub instead. “Hey.” JD didn’t move. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” He surveyed the pill bottles. All still closed. “Have you taken any this morning yet?” Inquiring without trying to seem interrogational.

JD closed his eyes. “No” he whispered.

Cox looked at him, really looked at him. The bags under his eyes, cuts still healing, fingers poking out of a cast, bruises still littered his entire body. “You want to tell me why?”

A long pause went by before he answered. “No”.

“Okay.” He let silence fall for a few moments. “You want to tell me what you brought them all out for then?”

JD opened his eyes, seeing Perry’s face looking down at his. “No.” he said quietly again.

Cox eyed the door, positive he hadn’t heard Dan leave the hall yet. “Hey bozo, you want to give us a minute?”

Dan got the message, since he heard some shuffling around and footsteps became further away. Cox exhaled. “Now do you want to tell me?”

JD winced, the tile had lost its comforting effect. “I wasn’t going to kill myself” JD mustered coldly.

“I didn’t think you were Clarissa.”

JD slightly smiled at the name. “I was just thinking.” He winced again and rubbed his neck. “I can’t stay locked in this house forever you know.”

Cox didn’t respond.

“I know things won’t be like they used to. Everyone, everyone knows now. Everyone at work, all of my friends. They feel sorry for me. I feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I didn’t end it all earlier.” He shifted on the floor, moving to the side.

Cox got the hint, and moved his body to the floor, using the tub as a backrest. JD moved his face to be in his lap, using his thigh as a pillow. Cox laid a gentle hand on his cheek, thumbing side to side.

JD continued “I wish it wasn’t like this.”

“I know.”

“And she’s going to keep following me.” He paused, “Think I could hire someone to kill her?”

Cox’s thumbing stopped. “JD…”

“No, I know. I would never. I’m, I’m not like them.” He sighed.

“No, you’re not. You’re everything everyone wishes they could be.” He looked down at the hair in his lap. “People may know, but they’ll also give you more credit now. I think you’ll be considered stronger than people think you were. You’re so much stronger than I thought you were.” he ruffled his hair. “People want to help you JD, but you have to let them. Let us deal with this for you. You aren’t alone anymore.”

JD laid in silence for a while. “I don’t want to, but I need you to take the pills.” He held his breath waiting for Perry’s response.

His breath hitched as he tried to hide his surprise, suppressing it downwards. “I can do that.”

JD exhaled “Thank you.” He snuggled harder and held into Cox’s leg for comfort.

“I need you to be honest with me, from here on out, okay?” Cox spoke quietly. “I need you to talk to me. Or Dan. Or your wife. Even Carla.” He squeezed JD. “Do you understand?”

JD squeezed back “Yes.”

—------

The day went quietly, routine really. Dan stuck around, even if he was filled with a nervous energy that he didn’t know what to do with. JD remained mostly silent, eating and drinking as he was told, abiding by his pills schedule. He chuckled to himself thinking that Perry probably had some little chart notebook hidden somewhere.

“When do you think I’ll be able to go back to work?” He inquired.

Cox looked at him, massaging the calf in his lap on the couch. “It’s gunna be at least a couple months there newbie.”

JD looked at him. “When will you go back?”

Cox shrugged. “Not sure.” Truth be told, he’d stay off work for as long as he was required. Kelso can kick rocks .

“Do you think I’ll have a job to go back to?”

Cox paused, “Why wouldn’t you?” He seemed taken aback by the question.

JD just shrugged.

“Things will go back to normal, you know that right?” He shook the leg in his hand.

“Yea, okay”.

TV filled the silence for awhile. “Why don’t you sleep at your place tonight?” Cox asked.

JD seemed skeptical. “Do you not want me here?”

“No. I mean, yes, I want you here. But I can’t give you what you need tonight. You need normalcy.” He looked away. “I think you should go there, just for tonight.”

JD pulled his feet off Perry’s lap, feeling unsure of himself. “Okay”

“I mean it JD. I, I love you.” He looked at him again. “But Turk can give you something I can’t. We both know that.”

Chapter Text

Sitcoms played in the background, cut up fruit on the coffee table. JD half listened to Turk and Carla playfully argue in the kitchen. He’d laid down on the couch when he arrived, and hadn’t moved since. He felt like a child. He sighed and closed his eyes.

“Hey Buddy,” Turk said softly, shaking his shoulder a little “You want to sit up and eat something?” He was holding a small bowl of cereal.

JD hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep. “Yea, okay.” He moved some pillows to soften his back, taking the bowl in his lap. Eating with the cast was still a hassle, and he hadn’t told anyone yet, but swallowing was still troublesome. He wondered internally how much longer that would take to heal. He didn’t think about the fact that Carla clocked it from behind him, as JD swallowed slowly. Or that she’d be a good friend and mention it to Perry later.

Turk tried to perk him up “So what do you want to watch Vanilla Bear?” He sat down beside him with a sandwich.

JD answered before he could think about it. “I’m just happy to be here Turk. It doesn’t matter.”

The use of his name threw him by surprise, but he didn’t mention it aloud. “Alright” he flipped a few channels “cartoons it is.”

They watched in silence for a while before Turk had to say something. “Cox, just, what’s he like?”

JD put his spoon down in the bowl, and smiled a little. “A gentleman.” He turned to look at his best friend. “The unrelenting anger at work, it’s like that, but unrelenting love”. He fiddled with a loose string on his sleeve. “He protects me. He’s absolutely the best relationship I’ve ever had.” He laughed out loud before he could add “And the sex is great too”.

Turk cringed a little. “Okay, that’s enough. I don’t need that picture.” Carla laughed from behind them in the kitchen. “But I’m happy for you.” He struggled with the next part “I’m glad he’s around.”

JD paused as he thought “Listen, I know, I know you both don’t always get along. But I appreciate you trying.” He looked at his best friend, “It’s important to me that you both get along.”

Turk looked at him with nothing but genuine love. “I know JD, that's why I asked.” The room filled with just the TV background noise for a moment “Cox, he, I just didn’t see it coming. And I wanted to dislike him, truly. But everything he’s done for you throughout this” he struggled for the right word “process. I can’t. He’s really trying his best. He makes you happy?” he asked

“More than anything” JD replied. He wasn’t positive how honest he wanted to be, but with Turk, things just sort of came out out of him. “I know he’s struggling right now; he doesn’t think he can handle me”

Carla piped in from behind him with a stern but loving voice. “Bambi you know that isn’t true”.

“No, I know. Let me rephrase, he doesn’t think he can handle this without getting angry.” He took another bite of cereal if only to give himself more time to think. Continuing with his mouth full “But truthfully, it’s sort of comforting having someone be angry about it. Someone should be angry about it.” He swallowed. “I’m not very good at that part.”

Turk turned around and looked at Carla while JD seemed distracted in his head. She mouthed ‘just ask him’. Turk sat a little straighter and turned to face JD “JD, I wondered, I mean, we wondered, why didn’t you say anything?” It felt like in that moment all the noise had been sucked out of the room. “This way a pretty heavy thing to carry on your own.”

JD closed his eyes. He knew this was coming at some point. “Did Dan talk to you?”

Turk shook his head “He’s been very, ‘need to know’. I think he’s afraid of saying something you don’t want him to.”

JD nodded, eyes still closed. “I was scared. I thought, I thought I could start new. I thought about a lot of things.” He bit his lip for a moment. “But mostly I was scared. And I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t want to burden Dan.” He opened his eyes, but stared straight ahead “This is a burden. I’ll be a burden. It’ll be weeks before I get back to work. I basically need a babysitter.” He looked at his friend gently “You know I’m scared to leave my own house? My mom will follow me everywhere.” He took a pause as his brain assaulted him with the memories from the bus stop. “I’m scared, that I’ll never get back the life I had before.”

Turk looked at him with empathy. “You know we won’t let that happen.”

“You can’t tell me this isn’t a burden. Looking after me, doing my paperwork. Elliot’s had to take on extra shifts. You’re even feeding me.” He gestured towards the coffee table.

“It’s not a burden JD.” He spoke quieter “You’re my brother. I, I love you, you know that right?”

JD didn’t respond with words, only a slight nod.

“I understand you’re scared. You have a right to be.” He looked at Carla again for encouragement. She nodded for him to continue, they’d talked about this already. “I know this is new to you, people knowing.” He tried not to sound nervous as he spoke, but he was worried about how his friend would respond. “But you need to let us help you. We want to help you.” Turk paused, and when JD didn’t respond, he moved a little closer, elbow to elbow.

JD felt the couch next to him sink a little, but he didn’t have the strength to look.

“Your mom, she, she doesn’t deserve you. You didn’t deserve her either, but she didn’t deserve you.” Turk stopped to ring his hands together, his nerves were getting the best of him It shouldn’t be this hard. “She doesn’t deserve to have someone as kind as you, keeping her secrets.” He stopped again “You deserve what you have now, us, Carla and I, and Cox. You deserve that much. And I need to know you believe that.” Carla glanced at him “We need to know you believe that.”

JD didn’t respond, he was dizzy with feelings. He did deserve this, but he deserved that too. All of it. “What do you think is going to happen when Duncan gets out?” he let out rhetorically, he knew they didn’t have an answer. “No one can protect me forever.” He turned to Turk in a frenzy. “I forgot to say thank you. For giving me CPR. I never thanked you.”

Turk just stared, he’d been told the mental swings were happening, but this was the first time he’d seen it so drastically himself. “It’s all good man, you don’t need to thank me for that.” He put a hand on JD’s shoulder, but could feel the body shy away under his hold.

Failing to hold it back, JD shuddered in fear at the feeling of another hand on him. “I think I’m ready to go to bed” he spoke with a lump in his throat.

Turk sighed and internally beat himself up for making such a silly mistake “Okay JD.” He got up and moved from the couch. “Your room is ready. Carla cleaned it up a bit.” He walked away into the bathroom, leaving Carla to further the conversation. Carla talked to Perry every day. He’d been pretty forthcoming about the issues that they’d been having at home. The normally communicative JD had been withdrawn, dismissive, and so out of reach of his normal self.

Carla looked at JD from the kitchen and came around the couch. JD hadn’t moved, arms still resting on his knees looking down at the floor. She watched as his breath hitched. She walked quietly over to beside him and grabbed his hand slowly. He didn’t turn to look at her, but let himself be held.

“I’m trying my best.” He said quietly.

“I know.” Carla replied. She paused. “It’s okay, to not be okay Bambi”. She squeezed his hand harder, which broke the dam that was being held back.

“I’m sorry.” he sniffled. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you JD. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.” He replied in defeat.

----------

JD woke up in the morning in his own bed. It’d been ages since he’d slept in it. It felt like years. He rolled over and looked at his phone for the time. 7:24. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he pulled himself upright. His head felt so heavy, but he knew that was because still his neck was still healing. Rolling it side to side he made note about adding it to his physiotherapy. He looked around his room at the few things that remained. Photos littered the walls, Polaroids from house parties. Smiling faces. God that feels so long ago . He turned away looking down to the ground.

Slowly making his way up and to the door, bare feet padding across the familiar space to the bathroom, where was welcomed with a note taped to the mirror. Clearly from Carla, her swirly writing reminding him to take his pill that she’d left in a dish to the side of the sink. The care she took to make sure he remembered. He tried to remind himself that he wasn’t a burden, they were just his friends, but the anxiety was working it’s way up. His chest constricted and he tried to breathe like Melody had told him.

JD sat on the toilet seat and bit his thumbnail, nervous about what to do next. Eyes looking out of the bathroom, Turk and Carla’s bedroom door still closed. He legs started to bounce where he sat, becoming antsy at the thought about being alone. He dialed a number from memory and pulled his phone to his ear.

It only took 1 ring before “JD?” he heard a tired voice say “What’s wrong?” He just listened to the voice on the other end. It felt like a lifeline in the ocean. “JD?” The voice sounded a little louder this time.

“Sorry.” He cleared his throat not realizing he hadn’t tried to speak yet that morning. “How are you?” he asked, hating the way he spoke, the desperation in his voice.

“I’m fine” he could hear Perry sitting up. Silence filled the air between them for awhile. “Did you need something, do want me to come get you?”

He closed his eyes, wanting so desperately to say no. Wanting so hard to believe he was fine here. He looked around the bathroom, the cactus shaped bathmat from their ironic original desert theme. Still listening, he heard “I can come and get you. It’s okay if you want to come home.” Home he thought. My home. “Yea” he replied quietly cringing at the fact he sounded like a 9 year old at a bad birthday party. “I’d like to come home.”

Chapter Text

JD’s eyes were still closed when he heard people talking at the door. Getting his bearings after falling asleep on the couch. “I know, you said all that. But we still need him to come down to the station”. He cracked an eye, seeing an officer at the door made him sit straight up. Ribs aching, he ignored it.

Cox glanced in his direction at the movement. “Listen, can we take this outside?” he gestured to the hallway. The officer nodded and Cox followed him out, closing the door behind him.

JD sat still, waiting with baited breath.

----------

The officer took off his hat and wiped his face before putting it back on. “Listen, we hate to do this. I know, I know it’s not ideal.”

Cox scoffed in his face. “Not ideal he says.” The officer looked at him with sympathy. “What’d you say your name was again?”

He shifted on his feet and looked away under the scrutiny “Detective Ramirez. As I mentioned, we need to know everything, anything John can tell us, it’d help the investigation.”

Silence filled the hallway as Cox mulled over his thoughts. “When you say investigation…there’s other victims, aren’t there? That’s what you’re not telling me. He’s done this to someone else.” Ramirez didn’t respond. Cox tried to keep his growl to an amount where he wouldn’t be arrested. “You have no idea what this will do to him.”

“You’re right. I don’t.” Ramirez replied with a sigh.

“He’s not doing well.” The two men grew silent. “Is he being subpoenaed?” Cox argued. The cop seemed surprised to hear that word from a civilian. “I’ve done my homework” he spit out while starting to pace back and forth in the small hall.

“Not at this time, no. But, he will be.” Ramirez looked at him. “Look, we’d rather he come in and answer some questions, willingly, so that we don’t have to do that. The sooner he can come in, the easier it’ll be.”

“Easier for who?” He asked sarcastically. “What happened to the other cops? The ones that came before.”

“This case has been moved to a different unit”.

Cox looked at him suspiciously, but put his hands on his head and sighed, he could see this wasn’t an argument he was going to win. “I need to make a call.” He brought one hand down so he could look at his watch, emotionally defeated. “Can we meet you at 3?”

Ramirez looked at the closed apartment door behind them as he pulled out his wallet. “Yea, 3 is fine.” He handed him a card. “Give me a ring if you don’t think he’ll make it.”

Cox took the card before silently leaving him in the hallway and walking back inside.

-----

JD stared at the door as it opened, a look of fear already written across his face.

“JD…” Cox started. But JD had already started to panic, rising to his feet. “Hey, no, sit down.” He touched his shoulder and tried to ease him back to the couch.

“What did they want? Did he get out too?” His words were rushed and breathy like he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. He allowed himself to be sat on the sofa, his partner kneeling in front of him.

“No. Absolutely not.” He held JD’s hand. “They need you to answer some more questions. They’ve got, they need more answers.”

“There’s nothing more I can tell them” JD whispered.

“You know that’s not true.” He stroked his fingers sticking out from the cast, the memory still so fresh of almost losing him. “I know this is hard for you” All he saw was the head drop lower that was sitting in front of him. “You have to answer their questions JD, they’re, they said they’d subpoena you.”

JD looked up with whiplash. “What? Why?” He winced with pain from moving his neck so fast.

“I don’t know” I do know

“I can’t.” JD replied looking Cox in the eye. “I don’t want to.”

“You don’t have a choice” he was pulling out his doctor voice now before standing up. He pulled JD’s head into his chest, pulling him close for a moment. “I’m going to call Dan, wait here” he said softly.

----------

Dan looked like a deer in headlights, nervous that he might be caught at any moment. “Dan, can you stop looking like that? They aren’t going to arrest you” Cox whispered across the row of chairs, JD sat between them.

JD hadn’t spoken one word since they left the house, but it was clear that he was thinking a million miles a minute. “Hey” he hears his partner say, “It’ll be okay”. “You don’t know that” he replied, barely audible inside the hustling of a police department. A shiver went up through his spine, making his body ache, he bit his lip to ensure a sound of aggravation didn’t escape.

Dan had a bad feeling. He’d had it ever since Cox called asking him to come back early. He looked around the station, the last time he was here was the night at the hospital. He felt so grateful that JD was still beside him. He exhaled slowly, trying to forget the night he was here last.

Ramirez walked into the waiting area “John, we’re ready for you”. Two sets of eyes looked up at him, but not the one he expected. He watched as JD’s leg bounced up and down, as his partner laid a hand on it to calm it down. “They can come with you”. He received a small nod in response before watching JD gingerly stand up, perhaps without realizing, reaching for a hand to hold. Again, watching his partner take the lead, intertwining their fingers, while whispering something he himself couldn’t hear.

Cox looked at Ramirez with the devil in his eyes while slowly pushing JD forward. “I’ll be with you the whole time.” He looked at Dan who still had fear in his eyes. “Dan too” continuing louder to get Dan’s attention “although I don’t know how helpful that will be”. Dan looked at him as they walked into the private room.

The room wasn’t what JD had pictured, it was more inviting than how he’d seen these meetings happen in movies. There was some artwork on the wall, a couch and a few sofa chairs. He did however clock the tape recorder on the table, and immediately looked away. He felt his arm being pulled Had I stopped walking? and moved toward the sofa to sit beside Perry. He watched as Dan fidgeted with his shoelaces in one of the sofa chairs, avoiding eye contact with anyone. Silence enveloped the room.

Ramirez closed the door and sat down in the chair to the left, keeping Perry between them as a buffer. His goal was to keep that sense of security, otherwise this wouldn’t work. “Do you mind if I…” gesturing to the recorder on the table. JD’s head lifted just enough to look at him, before shaking his head no and looking back towards his lap. He watched as Perry continued to squeeze his hand.

“John”

“JD” Cox interrupted “He goes by JD”. Dan looked up and stared at him for correcting an officer.

“Right. Okay. JD.” he corrected. “Your father…”

“He’s not my father.” JD spoke with conviction, still looking at his lap while startling everyone in the room. “Duncan’s married to our mother.” He heard Dan say cautiously.

“Right.” Ramirez spoke again. “JD, I’m just going to start. First off, thank you, for coming in today, I know it can’t be easy.” JD looked like he was holding his breath. “You’ve been pretty forth coming, but we have further questions, anything you might be able to tell us about his behaviour, it’d prove helpful to our investigation.”

“I’ve told you everything I know.” JD spoke. JD glanced in Perry’s direction quickly. “You know everything he did to me already.” Shame evident in his voice.

“Yea, I’ve been over those photos.” Ramirez spoke as JD cringed further into the sofa. “It’s actually something different we’re looking for this time.” He cleared his throat. “How many business trips did, Duncan, used to take?” He watched as JD’s head swiveled upwards.

“What? Business trips?” Of all the questions, he wasn’t expecting to start here. “I don’t, I don’t understand”. At this point Dan was also looking at the detective with confusion.

“Business trips. We’re trying to get a timeline on when he was away, for work.” Ramirez clarified, while bringing a pen out of his jacket pocket. “We, we’re investigating some other crimes. Unfortunately, you and your brother will be our best witnesses for narrowing down the information.”

“I don’t, I don’t remember him going away. I always remember him being there” he added quietly “watching me”. Cox squeezed the hand on his leg, hoping to provide him strength and not slide into another flashback.

“He used to go away the last weekend of every month” Dan spoke up. All eyes turned to him, he looked incredibly uncomfortable. “I remember, because he would ask me to take care of mom while he was gone. She used, she used to drink a lot, I’d have to help her get into bed.”

JD stared at him, confusion written on his face. “You never told me that.”

Dan looked away. “I didn’t want to scare you. I was trying to protect you. I just didn’t know…you know” he trailed off.

Detective Ramirez spoke up again. “Did he ever say where he was going? Give you any idea of what he’d be doing while he was there?”

Dan thought about it for a minute silently, biting the inside of his cheek “Not really, no. Although I didn’t ask a lot of questions.” “We were just kids,” he heard JD say. Dan just nodded. “Duncan, he was very private. Mom might know.” Wishing he could take back calling her their mother almost immediately.

JD was still taking it all in. The idea of his brother putting their drunk mother to bed, that Dan too was experiencing things he never talked about. JD was starting to feel suffocated in this room now, his breath was getting caught in his throat. He started to stand up, and when Perry reached out, he waved him away. “I don’t understand. You never said anything, never once.” He was almost angry now. “How could you keep this from me?”

“I, I’m sorry.” Dan sighed “You didn’t say anything either”.

JD deflated. Dan was right. “I’m sorry to interrupt..” Ramirez spoke up. JD turned back to face him. “You’re not.”

“What?” Ramirez replied.

“You’re not sorry.” JD spit. “Everyone just keeps saying they’re sorry”.

Cox looked at Ramirez with a look of apology before turning to JD “Let’s take a walk JD.” He stood and grabbed him by the elbow, shuffling him towards the door. JD mumbled something quietly “You need a break, it’s fine.” Cox closed the door behind them, leaving Dan behind.

“He’s still, Cox says it’s PTSD”. Dan shuffled in his seat. “He isn’t normally so…moody.”

Ramirez just nodded. “I understand. Listen, now that it’s just you and I, did Duncan ever mention someone named Paul?”

Dan shook his head “Is that like, another criminal friend of his?”

“Sort of.” He paused to gather his thoughts. “We found pictures of your brother on Paul’s computer.” Ramirez looked out the window at Cox and JD who had now made their way back to the bench in the waiting room. “We’re now investigating Duncan for the distribution of…for selling photos of your brother.”

Dan leaned back in his chair. He felt like he was going to be sick. “You can’t tell him this.” He too looked out the window at his brother. “This will kill him.” And I’m going to kill Duncan

At that moment, Cox looked up and saw the two of them looking at them. The looks on their faces said everything he needed to know. Whatever he thought they were going through, it just got worse.

Chapter Text

JD’s ears were ringing like a bomb had gone off. His eyes fluttered open, staring at fluorescent lighting. Perry’s face in view, his mouth was moving but he couldn’t hear anything. Just high pitched ringing. I’m so tired. He tried closing his eyes again, opening them quickly when he felt himself being jostled. He looked around, eyes half open, people were staring. He avoided their gazes, staring at his feet which were propped up in one of the chairs. “...you hear me?” he heard, the ringing was clearing up. He rolled his head to the side, looking for the voice. He felt a hand on his cheek pushing his head back up to face forward.

“Can you hear me?” Cox spoke again. Someone in a uniform tried to intervene. “I’m literally a doctor, back off” he growled as the man retreated. JD just stared at him confused. Cox pushed hair off JD’s face. “I need you to say something.” Worry in his voice at this point.

“Something.” JD replied groggily. He closed his eyes again before being jostled a second time “Stop that please” he mumbled.

“Then keep your eyes open Becky.” Cox said sternly. “You went down pretty hard. Does anything hurt?”

JD breathed in carefully “I’m already at the hospital”.

Cox looked more concerned. “JD, look at me.” JD looked with half open eyes. “Where do you think you are?”

JD looked around slowly, gathering his surroundings. This wasn’t the hospital, it all started coming back to him. “I’m at the police station.” He tilted his head all the way back to see Dan standing in the doorway of the meeting room, biting his thumb. “I think I’m okay.” He lifted both his hands, turning them over, checking for pain within his cast before rolling over onto his side. The world spun another time as his ribs protested. “Perry” he voiced pleadingly.

Cox pushed him back flat. “Give it another minute, it’ll pass.” He moved one hand in front of JD’s face “Can you follow this for me”. JD watched as the finger went side to side, he thought he was following it okay until he saw his partner look away.

“I told you, I’m a doctor!” He was getting angry now. “JD, when was the last time you ate?” he didn’t leave any time to answer before whistling. “Danielle, come help me.” Dan pushed himself from the doorway and hesitantly came over. He removed the chair out from under his feet gently “On the count of three, we’re going to sit you up. Just sit up. Do not try to stand.”

“Okay.” JD replied. Feeling Dan’s hands on either side of his shoulders. He didn’t have the energy to lift himself, letting his brother do all the work. “Stop” he said, as the world greyed out around the edges.

“Breathe, it’ll pass.”

JD let out a long exhale. Reopening his eyes, he could see again, even if he was practically being sat up like a ragdoll.

“He okay?” He heard someone say. Turning his head to find Ramirez looking down at him.

“We’re going home,” Cox said angrily “Subpoena him if you have to.” He gestured for Dan to help him lift, each one of them lifting a side. “Can you walk? Just move your feet, we’ve got you.” He watched as JD sluggishly started moving. They exited slowly, Dan turning back around to give Ramirez a look that Cox couldn’t quite decipher.

—-------

“He’s asleep.” Cox sat down in his recliner. “He’s down 6lbs.”

“You weighed him?” Dan asked from the sofa.

“Yes Dan, it’s part of his medical” he said with a sigh. “Someone needs to sit with him while he eats moving forward. I told him that’s the rule, or he’ll be readmitted.”

Dan just hummed a reply, deep in thought.

Cox’s eyes narrowed at Dan. “Something happened in that room after we left.”

Dan didn’t respond.

“If it’s, if he’s in trouble, I have to know. You know that right?” Cox asked aggressively.

Dan looked at him briefly before looking away. Cox had proven himself trustworthy, but this seemed different. He looked towards the bedrooms “You’re sure he’s asleep?” He asked hesitantly, and quietly.

“As close to a medically induced coma as I can legally make at home.”

Dan listened to the apartment, he didn’t hear anything. Looking directly at Cox he spoke in a hushed tone “You can’t tell him what I’m about to tell you. Can I trust you?”

Cox just nodded silently.

“They, the detective, he told me, there were these…”

“Oh just spit it out Dan!” Cox replied in a quiet yell.

Dan’s mouth shut before re-opening. “There’s photos, of Johnny. Duncan, sold them. To other people.” He took in a shaky breath. “That’s why the case has changed police units.” He paused, “They’ve added distribution of…” he trailed off “they’ve doubled the charges.”

Cox remained silent, looking off as he thought.

“I really didn’t know. I don’t know how I didn’t know.” Dan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. The room was silent. “He hid it so well. How’d he hide this?”

Cox just nodded again. He too wasn’t sure how he didn’t see it either.

“I need your help.” Dan said. “I’m not, this isn't, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Neither do I.” Cox replied somberly.

“I’ve started to look for a job here. I need to stay nearby, more permanently I think. If I have to bum around for a bit here, that's okay with you?”

Cox just nodded again.

Cox got up and poured himself a double whiskey from the bar. “Do you want one?” He asked aloud without looking at Dan.

Dan started to shake his head, but answered “yes” without thinking about it. A short glass appeared in front of him. “Thanks”.

Cox sat back down, and downed most of his drink at once. “He needs to know. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

Dan sipped his drink, making a face similar to JD. “Thanks.” Silence filled the room again.

—-------

JD opened his eyes and rolled over to face his partner. The sun was starting to come through the window. Noticing Cox was already awake, staring at the ceiling. “Hey” he reached up and touched his face. “You okay?” It looked like he’d been up all night.

Cox didn’t look at him. Just nodded.

JD pulled his hand back down anxiously. “What’s wrong?” He asked timidly.

Cox sighed and closed his eyes. “We need to talk.”

JD pulled away. “Are we breaking up?”

Cox jerked his head “No! What? Where’d that even come from?”

JD shrugged quietly.

Cox shook his head. “I’m not breaking up with you” he snarkily replied. “Sorry, I’m just tired.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “We need to talk about what the detective wanted”.

“Okay” he said nervously.

You practiced how to give bad news, you can do this “JD, I want you to know, whatever it is that I tell you, we’ll figure it out.” He rolled onto his side to face his partner. “Do you remember Duncan” he watched JD cringe at the name “taking any photos of you?”

JD just stared.

“Because they found new evidence.” He took JD’s hand.

“Did they find the polaroids?” JD asked quietly.

So he did know “Sort of. JD, there’s evidence that he, sold those photos to other people.”

“I know,” he replied timidly “he told me he would”.

Cox couldn’t hold back. “Why didn’t you say anything? After all this time, you never told anyone? JD, he was selling you. This wasn’t just him beating you, he was selling you.”

JD looked down, before deciding to get out of bed. He wobbled slightly on his feet before finding his balance and began pulling his backpack out from under the bed.

“What are you doing?” Cox replied angrily.

JD tensed. “I’m packing. It’s very clear this isn’t going to work.” Fearful he’d be disappointed again, this was his version of panicking.

Cox moved over in the bed and grabbed his partner by the arm. “Stop.” He tugged slightly, but was shrugged away. “JD, seriously, stop.” JD only pulled harder. “Get back into bed.”

JD moved towards the closet and started pulling his clothes out and shoving them into the backpack. He watched Perry get out of bed and walk over cautiously. “I need to go.”

“No you don’t Katrina. Sit the fuck back down.” He watched JD pause, and then resign to throwing his half full backpack on the floor.

JD walked to the corner of the room and slid down the wall. Pulling his knees in front of him “What the hell do you want from me!” He yelled out.

“I want you to talk to me!” Cox yelled back. “I need you to talk to me. Tell me what happened.” He paced around the room. “I’m finding my way through the dark here kid, but you have all the information. Do you not trust me? Is that what this is about?”

JD looked sad. “No,” he replied quietly “I don’t trust anybody.”

“Well you need to fucking start.” Cox said, turning to face him. “And you might as well start with me.”

JD stared at him. Weighing his options. “Do you still love me?” He asked softly. “Even after all of this, do you still love me?”

“Of course, what kind of question is that? Have I not proven that to you over the last few weeks? Have I not shown you?” His anger rising again he gave a long exhale before sitting on the floor in front of JD. “You being safe, you being alive, is the most important thing to me, because it means I haven’t lost the one thing I care about.”

“That’s not true,” he replied quietly. “You care about being a doctor.”

“You’re right, I do. But where have I been the last few weeks?” He set a hand on JD’s knees and gently pushed them downwards. “You have got to talk to me” trying and failing to keep the anger out of his voice. “You have got to learn to trust me. I need to know it all JD. You have got to tell me everything”.

JD bit his lip, tears built in his eyes. He couldn’t manage to hold it back anymore and he sobbed. “I never thought he’d actually do it. I thought he was just taunting me.”

Cox reached forward and pulled JD into him as sobs shook his body.

“He, after, he’d, tell me, he’d take them. Tell me it’s so that he could remind me of how bad I was”. He stopped to cry harder. “I’d, I always tried to find them, but I always got too scared to look for too long.” His body stiffened as memories started to unfold, but he felt Cox squeeze him, keeping him grounded for another minute. He shook his head to keep the mental assault at bay. “I hate them both, I hate them so much.”

Cox remained silent, rubbing circles on his partner's back. His heart was breaking.

“I don’t think I can do this.” He cried.

“JD” he paused. “You have to. They have to pay for this. This is the only way they’ll pay for this. You have all the power now, to put them away.” He felt JD shake his head. “They can’t hurt you anymore, but you can hurt them. And you should.” Cox pulled away to look him in the face, seeing the tears. “I’m going to make you something to eat, and then we’re going to go back. To tell them everything. They need to be punished for what they did, I think somewhere in there” he lifted JD’s chin with a finger “you know that.”

“I really do hate them” JD replied with the tiniest venom.

“Then prove it.” Cox replied.

Chapter Text

They sat in Melody’s waiting room, she’d opened early for them. JD looked exhausted, he was still in his track pants, and much to Cox’s dislike, hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. He flashed through memories of this morning. “I know it's a side effect of the medicine. I’m a doctor! I’m your doctor. I’m lit-er-ally your doctor” he yelled. But when JD just sat at the table, head down, he just couldn’t force him. “Let’s go” he remembered saying “we’ll pick something up on the way home.”

Melody opened the door and greeted them, “thanks for waiting,” she said kindly “come on in”.

As they entered, 3 chairs had been arranged, two of them facing each other and one a bit further away. Cox set JD into one of the set of 2, and started to head towards the one further away, assuming that was for him.

“No,” Melody replied. “You’re in that one.” She pointed to the one across from JD. Cox glared. He’d been set up. Devil woman

Melody sat down and adjusted herself with her notepad. “JD, I heard about what happened. I want to start by saying that if they wished, the police could legally get a warrant to review my notes and any relevant information pertaining to this case. Before we continue, I want to know you understand. And that you’re still willing to participate?”

JD didn’t raise his head but replied quietly “I understand”.

“Good.” she replied. “Listen, I think what you need right now is to feel angry. To get some of that energy out of your body. Lucky for you, you know someone who’s really good at harnessing that feeling.” Cox turned to glare at her again. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I’m saying it’s a good thing. I’m asking for you to show him how to harness it for good, to make you better.”

Cox scoffed, “I don’t need you and your voodoo to tell me I’m perfect.”

JD bit his lip to stop from smiling.

Melody caught the reaction, choosing to ignore Perry and focus on the real patient. “I want you to get mad, JD. I want you to yell about this. I want you to feel it.” She looked at Cox. “And I want you to antagonize him.”

“What?!” Cox replied. “You want me to berate him?”

“That’s not what I said. I want, I want to hear you tell him how, fucked up this all is. Entice him to join you, in your flavorful escapade.”

Cox stared at her. JD stared at him. He whistled a low note slowly as he thought. “Yea, okay.” He leaned, elbows over knees and faced JD. “If I could kill Duncan and get away with it, I would. But then again, I would’ve also killed my own father if I could get away with that too.” He pushed himself up and paced around for a moment. And then started yelling. “Duncan is the scum of hell, he deserves to rot in that tiny cell, and never see sunlight again. He fucking sold you JD! Do you grasp that? Do you understand what that means? Your mother, let him sell your pain for money.” He turned to face his partner. “I need to know you understand that?” He lifted JD’s head up. “I want to know you understand how wrong that is.”

“I know.” He replied softly.

“I’m really not sure you do.” Cox let go and continued pacing. “I told you once I was surprised, that you weren’t like me. You weren’t hardened around the edges. But that wasn’t true. I just didn’t know what I was looking at. It’s true it made you the opporsite of me, but you’re still the same traumatized kid I am. Who doesn’t trust anybody”

“I” he closed his mouth and paused, watching Cox stare at him. “I’m scared,” he tried again. “I’m scared if I get angry, I’ll never stop.”

“And that scares you more?” Melody asked quietly. Watching JD nod a reply. “Do you think anger will change who you are?”

“I don’t know.” He tried to pull his hood up.

“No.” Cox sternly, but cautiously, pulled it back down. “You don’t get to hide from this. This is real JD! It’s really happening. You can’t shut this out.” He pulled JD to his feet. “I want you to yell at me.”

“I can't,” he said. “I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want to have to yell at every intern in the hospital, but they all make mistakes.” He turned towards the windows. “The kind of yelling I do instills fear in you to become a better doctor, not fearful of your life. Just because you yell, doesn’t mean you have to kill them. Sometimes people would kill someone if I didn’t.”

JD thought about it. “You’re right.”

“I’m always right, Newbie.” If Melody noticed the nickname she didn’t comment on it. “Now,” he turned back to face him, “channel this stunning personality, and yell at me.”

“I hate them.” JD said quietly. “Not good enough.” He heard his partner reply. JD cringed inwards taking a breath. He started to wander around the room. “Is this all real? I’m not dead somewhere and this is hell?”

Cox shook his head “Definitely real.”

JD looked at the book titles on the shelf, pondering momentarily. “I used to have to patch myself up, that’s why I started taking medical books out from the library. It wasn’t until I started reading about what doctors did, what they could do, that I realized I wanted to be one.” He felt one of the books with his fingertips. “Wonder where I’d be.” He bit his lip. “I can’t see myself being anything else now.”

“You’re a good doctor JD, no matter how you got there.” Cox said. JD nodded slowly. He eyed Melody, they’d talked about this earlier on the phone. His job was to comfortably prod him, steer him in the right direction, because he was going to have to know how to do that at home. When this goes to trial… he trailed off in thought. He watched her nod as he took a breath. “Why didn’t you kill yourself? You obviously knew how. You’d read the material. Knew the major arteries.” He was trying to lead him into the right arena of thought as he circled him. “We know you could’ve.” He tried to keep his demeanor as he spoke, afraid any hesitancy would give him away. “Why suffer through all this?”

Jd seemed taken aback. “What? What are you… what are you asking?”

“I think you heard me.”

“I” he stopped. He looked at Cox, sizing him up. This had to be a trick, he knew that, but he’d been trained to take the bait without much argument. “I knew that couldn’t be it. In my gut, somewhere I knew. I knew from my dad, things could be better. Mom used to be better. Duncan, he changed her.” he sounded angrier now as he looked around the room avoiding eye contact with anyone. “She used to read me stories, she used to make us lunches and cut the crusts off, she used to pick us up after school and in the summer she would take us for french fries.” He walked over to the couch to pick up a pillow, hugging it to his chest. “Even Dan was better. We used to be friends. They took everything. I wanted it all back. I knew I could get it all back. But I’d have to do it alone”.

The room was silent except a sniffle or 2 from JD. Melody interrupted “Do you still feel like you have to do this alone?”

JD’s eyes looked up from the floor and looked at her, then turned to see his partner, staring at him. “Yes. No.” He hugged the pillow. “I don’t know.”

Cox leaned on Melody’s desk. “As a doctor, this is one of the worst cases of child abuse I have seen.” Cox spoke as JD cringed, looking away. “This is worse than the Joshua’s that come in with a broken arm. We call CPS, they get taken away, our job ends there. Maybe, if we’re lucky, CPS investigates, they adjust themselves, we see them again when they come in with a cold years later and everything has changed.” He walked over to JD. “This is soooo much worse than that. They psychologically tortured you. They beat you. They sold you. They owned you. Do you understand that?”

JD felt the anger rise and threw the pillow back onto the sofa “You keep asking me that. Like I’m stupid and I don’t understand. I understand!” He started to sob but Cox kept his distance. “I know Perry. I know! And I can’t change it. I can’t fix it. I can’t forget it. Believe me, I fucking tried.” He snarked. “They degraded me, abused me, forgot me, and drove Dan and I apart.” He paced the room. “They took everything!” He took a breath before continuing, wincing while stretching his neck to keep the pain out of it.

Cox started to come closer to check on him. JD backed away.

“How could they?” He screamed. “I was their son. I was supposed to be his son. I trusted them. Did you know at first I didn’t even realize it was wrong? He’d convinced me it was something I deserved. I was bad. I…”

Melody spoke up “It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t a bad son.”

“You all keep saying that, but you don’t know. You don’t know. No one knows.”

Cox rolled up his sleeve revealing the small scar on his forearm, feeling it with his fingertips. “We all deserve to fight back JD, some fights just leave bigger scars than others.” Cox remarked. “Tell everyone. They don’t deserve for this to be covered up anymore.”

“I don’t know where to even start. It’s all…jumbled.” JD said solemnly. “Did I tell you he used to threaten to chain me to the floor, so I’d stop moving around? I believed him. So I never moved again.” He closed his eyes, the memories coming back to him. “Why fight back.” It wasn’t a question, he was giving up.

“I need you to open your eyes. I need you to remember where you are.” Melody spoke, watching his eyes open again. “What do you really want out of this?” She asked firmly.

“I want to be able to close my eyes. I want to feel safe in my own home!” Throwing his hands in the hair, wincing again from the motion. “I want the pain to go away. I want to never see them again!” He held back tears, biting his lip. “I want people to believe me.”

“We do.” Cox said sternly.

He collapsed to the floor, kneeling. “If dad hadn't died…” he trailed off, like the energy had been sucked out of him. Panting from loss of breath. “I hate them.”

Cox said nothing for a moment. There was nothing he could say. Everything JD had expressed was right. After giving JD some time, he strided over, kneeled down and looked at him both as a doctor, as a partner, and as a friend. Pushing hair away from his face, feeling his scalp tenderly. “We do believe you. I believe you. Everyone will believe you. There’s nothing they can do to take that back.” He watched tears fall. “Look at me." JD's eyes gazed upwards. "You need to do this, they need to be punished for what they did. You can finally get what you wanted.” He paused to make sure he was listening “we can help you. Let me, let us help you.”

Chapter Text

The ER doors slid open with the cool night air. Here we are again. Cox thought, as he stared across the hectic hospital waiting room. Ballcap pulled over his eyes, trying to blend in. They’d found themselves still awake at 4am, JD throwing up so consistently the last 12 hours it warranted the trip.

—-------

“JD, we have to go. I don’t have the tools for this here, you know that.” Cox spoke, softly yet sternly, from the bathroom doorway. “We have to re-admit you. You haven’t kept anything down.” He watched as JD dry-heaved into the toilet bowl. “Even your meds are coming back up.”

JD gingerly shook his head, afraid something would come back up again with any motion. “Please, I want to stay here” he begged. “I don’t want to go back there. I want to be at home.” This is home now

Cox sighed and walked further inside, perching himself on the side of the tub. He pulled at JD’s wrist, stretching his arm away from its resting place, feeling for his pulse. It was far too high. “You’re so low on fluids, I almost want to call an ambulance.” He gruffed while letting go of his pulse to instead hold his hand. “We need to go now.”

JD winced. “Please,” he croaked, “can’t we just stay a couple more hours.” He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the toilet seat, sweat had bled through his shirt, and the bruising looked even worse somehow, the heavy contrast with his paler skin.

Cox thought while rubbing his partner's back, eyeing him carefully. It was painful, watching this scene unfold. As he saw his stomach heave again, he called for Dan. JD wincing as the booming yell called out. “Let’s get you up.” He stood up and started to heave JD up with him. Dan tiredly entered, taking his brother from the other side. “We’ve got to go. Come on.”

His vision darkened around the edges as he felt himself being lifted from either side. He was dead weight as Dan and Cox loaded him into the car.

—-------

JD now sat in a wheelchair in the entranceway of the hospital, nervously bouncing his leg, a habit he’d picked up over the last couple of weeks. A waste paper bag in hand, as his stomach threatened to turn again. “Stay here.” Cox spoke calmly, as he pushed him to the side of the room and walked himself up to the desk.

JD couldn’t hear what Cox was saying, as he quietly spoke to nurse Munn at the desk. He chanced a quick glance at them speaking before lowering his gaze again. He knew they both looked exhausted, still in the sweatpants he’d worn to talk to detectives the day before. Thinking about it made his pulse spike, his vision blended. He didn’t look up again even when he felt himself being pushed, he knew where they were going. Everyone is going to know why I’m here . He tried to shrink further into his hood.

Cox eyed him and sighed, pushing him into one of the smaller rooms. He hoped they wouldn’t need to be here long. “Up we get” as he gave JD a hand getting up and into bed. The kid had nothing left at this point, letting Cox take his entire weight. As soon as he was seated on the bed, JD proceeded to collapse with tears in his eyes. Cox lifted and swung JD’s legs onto the bed before putting the sheet over him. “I’m going to get you checked in. I’ll be right outside.”

Cox scratched at his face, clipboard and paperwork in hand, it was of his medical opinion that JD needed an NG tube now, but it doesn’t change the fact that in this instance, his feelings were getting in the way of his medical judgement. He could feel the anger boiling up, and let out a long sigh to try and push it back down. He tried to go back inside, but fought himself another minute before seeing JD’s attending physician headed his way. “Hey.” Cox said somberly. No name calling, no sarcasm, a sign to anyone that something was very wrong.

“Are you ready?” the doctor replied questioningly.

Cox shook his head. “No. I’m afraid this will actually further delay his progress mentally….being forced to do this.” Cox didn’t need to explain further, they could both read between the lines. Forced to do something he doesn’t want

“What do you want to do then?” This was now a discussion between two professionals, no more emotional attachments.

Cox thought, as he tapped his fingers on the clipboard, pausing to read his file. “We need to start IV fluids, saline.” He watched the doctor nod. Continuing to calculate through the mental gymnastics to figure out medication times and ongoing health issues. “Give him a prescription for ondansetron, and eliminate his anxiety meds for the counter reaction.” he turned to look at JD through the doorway, the kid hadn’t moved a muscle “if that doesn’t work, we’ll do it tomorrow.”

His colleague nodded and walked away, filling out a pad while he left. It wouldn’t take long, he’d get a higher priority, even if no one would confirm that was true.

Cox stood in the hallway a few minutes longer than he needed. At this point he’d seen this paperwork so many times he could fill it out with his eyes closed. Taking a breath he heaved himself forward, away from the wall that had been carrying the majority of his weight. Turning back around when he heard “Cox”.

Turk appeared behind him, walking swiftly. “Dan called.” He nodded towards the room “He okay?”

Cox swallowed and closed his eyes. “No.”

Turk stared at him before pulling the chart out of his hands. Giving it a swift read he walked towards the nursing station handing it off. “Can you keep an eye on him? Please.” The nurses nodded, there’d been no doubt. He turned back towards Cox, “Let’s take a walk.”

Cox turned back towards the door, JD still hadn’t moved. Jumping when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “This is the safest place for him, they have your number, I promise.”

—--------

They’d ended up in the cafeteria, quietly sitting in the corner. Turk walked back to the table with 2 coffees in hand. It looked like he’d pulled on whatever he found first. Sweat pants and a t-shirt from the laundry basket. “It’s just from the machine.” he shrugged as he sat down.

Cox took one but didn’t say anything.

Turk stared at him. He looked broken. No sarcasm, no tone, no brutal honesty. “You need help.” Cox didn’t make eye contact. “Did you hear me?” He asked louder.

“I fucking heard you.” He replied sharply, clenching his jaw. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” Admitting defeat.

Turk took a sip of his coffee to lend pause. “You don’t need to know.”

“I’m his doctor.”

“You’re his partner.” Turk corrected. “That’s enough right now.”

Cox swallowed “You don’t know, how hard it’s been. He’s fading, his stress level is so high, he can’t keep any food down. We’re going to NG him tomorrow, against his will.”

Turk sucked in a breath. “He’s going to forgive you. You know that, right?”

“He wet the bed earlier. He doesn’t even have enough energy to use the bathroom.” Cox’s eyes glistened. “I don’t want to watch him die.” He closed them, before turning his head away.

Turk bit his lip. “When I met JD, he was shy. Hindsight and all that, I know why now, but once he got out of himself. Once he saw what the world had to offer, he changed. He spread those eagle wings, and we flew.” He smiled thinking of their memories. “JD’s a fighter. He didn’t make it through all that, he didn’t meet all of us, just to end it here.” He looked at Cox even if he was turned away. “You know that.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.” He shook his head.

“Listen, let me and Elliot and Carla deal with the treatment plan. You take care of him, as a partner. Be with him. We can do the rest.” He paused and waited for Cox to look his way. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

Cox nodded, but when a couple tears dripped down his face, the facade broke down, and he cried. Pure exhaustion, torture, and love rolled together. He was so tired of carrying this weight alone. “I’m exhausted. It’s exhausting.” Taking care of JD was more difficult than he’d expected. “Did Dan tell you about the new charges?” He watched as Turk gave a curt nod. “He’s drowning,” Cox said. “I’m….” He trailed off.

Drowning too Turk thought, unsure what to do. Instead he sat quietly. Jointly taking up post as a soldier with his fellow colleague, and friend. He’d help carry this weight, they all would. “We’re not going to lose him, I promise.”

Cox cleared his throat and quickly wiped his face with his palms, rubbing his eyes to wake up some. “I’ve got to…” he stood up and motioned away.

“Yeah, okay.” He stood up too. “Just, remember what I said okay?” He got a very brief nod before watching Cox turn away.

—-------

JD laid on his side, too afraid to let go of the paper bag. It’d been hours, days really, but nothing was staying down. His eyes were closed as he tried to concentrate on his breathing, jumping slightly when he felt a hand take his. “Where were you?” He groggily asked.

“Talking to Baldy.” Cox replied softly.

JD cracked open an eye. “Turk’s here?”

Cox shook his head. “He went home, he just wanted an update.” JD closed his eyes again, a shiver rolling through him as his stomach tightened. Cox eyed the IV in the back of his hand. “Any change at all?”

JD breathed through the pain. “Not really.” The room filled with silence.

Just rip off the bandaid “Tomorrow, they’re going to come to NG.” Cox spoke, “You know we medically have to, we can’t hold off any longer.” holding his breath as he waited.

JD opened his mouth to speak and closed it a couple times. “I know,” he whispered. He opened his eyes. “You’ll stay with me?”

“Of course”. He squeezed his hand tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t want to die.” JD breathed out quietly, sparking a glimmer of hope inside his partner. “Do you think” he paused to breathe “they should do it today?” JD inquired.

“They’ll do whatever you want” he replied, trying to guide in the right direction.

“But you think it’s the right call?” He asked, swallowing hard to keep his stomach contents inside.

Cox paused, weighing his options of a response. “Yeah, I do.”

If JD had been hydrated enough, he would have cried. “I’m sorry” he sniffled.

“Do you trust me?” A loaded question if I ever asked one

JD answered sleepily, but without hesitancy. “Yes.”

“This isn’t your fault.” He rubbed JD’s hand and stood up to hit the call button. “Let’s get you set up okay? Once it’s in, you can go to sleep.”