Chapter Text
Ittetsu Takeda
Saturday, 17:00
A plastic cup of coffee warms my shaking hands.
They’re not shaking because of the cold, though; it might be from the fatigue or adrenaline, it might even be the caffeine itself that’s making me this twitchy. I don’t know if it’s my first cup, or my second or third, I might’ve already downed more coffee than that for all I know. Because, while the cup in my hand is already half empty. I couldn’t tell you what it tastes like; is it bitter or have I put in too much sugar? Burning hot or lukewarm? I couldn’t tell you, because I don’t remember. I don’t remember getting it, maybe someone got it for me. Drinking half a cup of coffee went by in haze.
Just like everything else does.
I simply feel numb now.
Completely numb. Head to toe. Not the physical kind, but rather the mental type. The emotional exhaustion that makes me feel like everything has been muffled.
It’s the kind of numbness that makes you hyperaware of every move your body makes. I wince whenever things get even louder than they already are. A heartbeat that’s skipped when I hear someone’s crying through the glass doors that lead to the hallway. A chill that runs down my spine, each time I’m caught off-guard; allowing myself to think of what happened.
About what happened that had me ending up here in the emergency room’s waiting room.
There’s so much sound, so many voices. And yet, I’m all alone, whilst everyone is either getting emergency treatment or still in the hallway, talking on the phone, explaining what happened to their closest friends and family. I should do the same, but I just can’t right now. I don’t feel relieved enough to call my parents and tell them it’s okay; I’m alive and not hurt at all and this nightmare is over. I can’t do that, because I don’t feel relieved at all.
I feel too numb for relief. It feels too much like this nightmare has just begun, rather than ended.
I don’t even feel empathy when I see Tanaka pacing up and down the hallway, trying to get a hold of his sister with tears in his eyes. I don’t feel sad when I see Sugawara break into tears as he yells at the person he’s speaking to on his phone. I don’t feel worry when I briefly think about the people who are about to be called; The moms of Daichi and Hinata, Ukai’s parents, Nishinoya’s grandfather and Kageyama- I don’t even know who they are going to call in his case, since his parents and grandparents are out of the picture. His sister maybe. I don’t know.
All I know is that they are about to feel the grief I am too numbed to feel right now.
That’s because all my feelings feel numbed down. Ever since we arrived at the hospital, in an ambulance with wailing sirens, life has felt like one confusing haze of events. I’m not sure if the events are to blame, or just the exhaustion or the trauma.
All I know is that the only feeling that comes in extreme waves, is guilt.
The only sound that reaches my ears at full force are the orders that the medical staff barks at each other from a distance. I wish I didn’t have to hear every single word they’re saying, but it isn’t at all stopped by the thin wall between the emergency room and the nearest waiting area, so I just try my best not to understand what they’re saying. I try to block it out. Focus on anything but their voices.
My gaze is fixated on the tiled floor, trying to block out the guilt that causes tears to fill my eyes. I blink away the tears when they start to blur my vision to the point that all I see is one haze.
I jump a little when I feel someone’s presence lingering right behind me; I can hear their breathing, feel their eyes staring at me.
I turn around, thinking that it’s probably just a doctor or one of my students, but instead I’m greeted by a woman I have never before seen in my entire life. She shows me a compassionate smile when our eyes meet. “Are you alright, sir?”
I squint at her, trying to get my eyes to focus, but that’s impossible, since my sight is absolutely terrible without the help of my glasses. Still, I would like to figure out if she’s asking for real, or simply trying to fool me; who asks someone in a hospital’s waiting room if he’s alright. Of course I’m not alright.
I eventually give her a shrug anyway, because what else can I do?
“You look like you haven’t slept it days,” she tells me, and she’s not far off. “If there’s anything I can do you can just tell me.”
I shake my head once and try to suppress a short scoff; I know what she’s implying. She’s kindly reminding me that I look like an absolute mess. I need to dry my tears, take a shower and get some sleep. But I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon. “I just survived a car crash.” I look back down towards the tiles again. “A big accident.”
That question comes back to mind immediately: What do you do when you know that you have survived a car crash? It’s been on my mind ever since we arrived at the hospital. Everyone’s getting help. No one’s dead.
Everyone survived.
And yet I have no clue what the answer to that burning question could ever be; what now?
I know that I should be happy, and trust me, less than an hour ago I was the happiest person on Earth; feeling a smile on my face for the first time today, hearing and seeing my students smile and laugh and cry tears of happiness for the first time since our bus crashed on our way to the training camp.
“I’m not alright.”
“Oh-“ The woman’s voice sounds taken aback. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” She doesn’t sound sorry, though. Yeah, sure, there’s a hint of sympathy, but she almost sounds- excited? “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you mean the accident earlier today. The one that required multiple ambulances?”
I swallow thickly, remembering the wailing sirens of multiple ambulances. She’s right; we needed emergency help as soon as possible. With the thirteen of us, we needed a lot of paramedics.
I nod once. I regret it immediately when I look up and finally notice that she has a pen and paper in her hands. Even before she introduces herself, I know what she’s going to tell me; she’s press. She leans forward, bowing shortly before presenting me her hand to shake. “I’m Chiharu Sone, head writer for the local main news site.”
I glare at her, trying to get my eyes to focus on her to see if she’s kidding; the press cannot have heard about the accident so soon, right? How did they even hear? I don’t think anyone posted it on social media, not any of my students, anyway, they’re too busy with more important things. Maybe they heard about the six ambulances being rushed to one place in the middle of nowhere; I guess that is something that would draw the press’s attention.
Anyway, she’s right; I was involved. I already told her that, so I can’t go back on what I said now.
“Would it be okay if I ask you some questions regarding the accident?” She asks it in a polite tone. Before I can even nod, though, she takes a seat on the bench across the table. She places a small tape recorder on the table and turns it on, before looking up at me with interested eyes.
“Alright,” I mumble, even though I really do not feel like reliving that bus crash all over again.
“Great, thank you mister-“
“Takeda,” I tell her, when I find her eyes urging me to introduce myself. “Ittetsu Takeda.”
“Mister Takeda, you were in a large accident,” she tells me, as if I didn’t realize myself; my friend and eleven of my students along with myself were lost in the woods for over seventeen hours. No one has to remind me of the fact that it happened; I’ll never forget those hours. “I heard all of those ambulances and it just got me thinking; what on Earth happened there?”
“Yeah, well-“ Normally I’m really good at explaining, great even, but right now I’m at a loss for words. Because what did happen? I remember every second, every tear cried and every scream of pain I’ve heard from darkest hours of the night to the moment we were finally saved. It causes a lingering feeling of dread and guilt. But how to put what happened to words, it seems nearly impossible.
I take a deep breath, before nodding to myself. “We were on our way to a volleyball training camp and had gotten lost somewhere along the road. We crashed. I-“ I hesitate before telling her. “I was driving.”
Her face grows dark when she realizes that she’s interviewing the one and only person who’s to blame for the accident. That’s me. And I bet that will be all over the news in a matter of hours.
“You were driving?” I can’t tell if she’s gaping at me because she’s shocked or because she thinks that she hit the jackpot. But even without my glasses, I can see that her sympathy has left; she blames me.
And she’s right to blame me.
“This should have never been allowed to happened, but it was pitch black on the road.” I close my eyes and think back to the second it happened. The moment where I looked up and saw that we were heading straight for a slope. The second I knew that I had screwed up. “I wasn’t even aware that we were going to crash, until it was already too late.” It was supposed to be a safe trip, these kids and their parents trusted me, instead I sent myself and twelve others rolling down a slope in a bus. I hurt Ukai, along with eleven of my students; Hinata, Kageyama, Daichi, Sugawara, Nishinoya, Asahi, Tanaka, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Yachi and Kiyoko will be forever scarred because of a mistake I made.
I caused this to happen, and yet all I can think of right now are stupid excuses; it was dark, we’d been driving around cluelessly for hours, I was tired. But I was frustrated too. I looked away from the road.
“Eleven of my students, my colleague and I were in that bus as it tipped over and rolled down a pretty steep slope. I don’t remember much about the crash itself, but when I came to, the bus had crashed into a tree and the smoke was coming from the hood.” I still remember that clearly; feeling the fear as the first flames rose from the hood. I still can feel the heat that I felt through the shattered windows.
“That sounds freaky.”
“It was.” I’m looking at her, trying to keep a polite expression on my face. But it feels like I’m staring straight to her. In my head, time rewinds itself, making me feel that fear again. “It was terrifying.”
“You said you had eleven students with you?” she eventually says, after remaining silent for a couple of seconds. “May I ask how they are doing, seeing the circumstances?”
“Some are in better shape than others.” It feels like I’m lying, because even the ones who are physically fine, will never be their old selves again. None of us will.
I swear she lets out a sigh of relief, but her face doesn’t relax.
“But, miraculously, all thirteen of us survived.” I swallow thickly. There were moments where I was convinced we were going to lose people. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t make a single move, because if I did, things would go south. I’d already done enough to ruin these people’s lives.
Up to the very second that everyone was sitting safely in an ambulance, with proper care, I have been on edge. And I hoped that would be over now. It isn’t over, though.
If anything, it feels like we only just began with the hardest part.
“Miraculously?” Sone’s voice pulls back to reality. “How come?”
“Most of us were hurt in the crash itself, but-”
She leans closer, hanging onto every word I say. “But?”
“I think all of us would’ve been better off if we had been able to call an ambulance right away.” There’s no doubt in my mind, actually; they would’ve been able to treat the people that were hurt before it could get any worse. Before people had the time to set up lies about their injuries.
But there was no emergency care.
“We couldn’t contact anyone. We were lost in the middle of nowhere-“ My voice breaks. “For hours.”
Her face falls.
“So, yeah, considering we were stuck without any professional help for over seventeen hours; I consider it a miracle that each and every one of made it out alive.” I thought I would want to shout it from the rooftops; instead I am frozen. Shaken to my core by what we’ve gone through. It’s like- “The shock is just hitting me now, honestly,” I admit. “I feel like we are a part of a miracle and yet-“
I close my eyes, releasing a slow breath. I think about Ukai and Kageyama, Hinata, Nishinoya, Asahi, Daichi, Sugawara, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Tanaka, Yachi and Kiyoko. I think about each and every one of them, and how they included in this dreadful accident, when I say. “I still cannot wrap my head around how a tragedy like this can possibly have happened, but I believe I can speak for their family, friends, classmates-“ I nod to myself. “-everyone. And I say that we are all hoping for these young people to be able to tell this tale themselves.” Whether they’ll write me off as one of the victims or the bad guy who ruined twelve people’s life; these are my true words. These are what I want; I want them to survive. “With each minute that passes, I hope for them to survive this and for their futures to be bright regardless of what happened that night.”
I need them to life their live. I need them to cry, but only if they’ll enjoy the rest of their lives as well.
I need them to survive. Not just physically, but fully; I want them to move past what happened.
Because I feel like I might not be able to.
To be continued…