Chapter Text
Two Years ago
Zhehan sweeps into Gong Jun’s office without bothering to knock and immediately starts scanning the room. “I have everything packed for the kids, but have you seen A-Chen’s ugly doll? I slipped it away last night once he fell asleep so that Daidai could wash it before your trip, but it seems to have vanished from the laundry room. He hasn’t noticed yet, but you know there’ll be a meltdown tonight…” His voice trails off as he looks up at Gong Jun, who’s leaning back in his chair with what he very much hopes is a neutral expression. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Gong Jun tilts his head up and puts on a brave face. “Oh, Zhehan, I’m… I’m sorry, turns out there’s no need to pack after all. I know you have to leave in a few hours yourself, so don’t worry about putting anything away, I’ll handle the suitcases.”
“What are you talking about?” Zhehan walks around the desk and then sits on top of it, nudging Gong Jun with his foot. “Don’t say that something happened with work, that’s not worth missing out on New Year’s celebrations with your - wait.” His gaze drifts down to the cell phone lying on his desk and then darts back to Gong Jun’s face. “They didn’t cancel on you, did they?”
“Not exactly,” Gong Jun sighs. He briefly considers making up some excuse, but there’s no help for it, Zhehan will just end up prying the truth out of him anyway. “It was more that they politely asked me and the kids not to come as they’d changed their minds and thought it would be better to have it be ‘family only’ this year.”
Zhehan sputters. It would almost be comical if this entire situation wasn’t so shitty. “Family only? Their grandchildren aren’t family? You’re not family?”
“This was a bad idea to start with.” Gong Jun rubs his temples, exhausted by the conversation he just had. “I just thought they’d be ready to see the kids at least, it’s been a couple of years. I know my in-laws had wanted some space after the funeral… though are they really my in-laws anymore?” He pauses and glances up at Zhehan. “Is there a word for the parents of your dead spouse? Ex in-laws?”
“Assholes.” Zhehan bites his lip - clearly he hadn’t meant to say that out loud - but his clenched fists are a sure sign he’s angry. “Sorry, but I can’t believe they waited until the last minute just to tell you that you’re not welcome. Are your parents still traveling?”
Gong Jun nods. “Very much so. They’re in China right now visiting my dad’s family.” Seeing Zhehan’s scowl, he quickly adds, “It’s okay. We’ll just have a quiet family New Year here, the kids will hardly know the difference at this age anyway. I’ll… I’ll find some excuse to tell Yiran, you know she’s the only one who’ll even notice really.”
Daidai already left the brownstone this morning to go to his sister’s, and Zhehan flies out to his mother’s in just a few hours. It’ll leave the house feeling rather empty, especially for a holiday, but they’ll manage. Gong Jun can go by the store and get what he needs to cook, and… and it’ll be fine. Probably.
Except Zhehan seems to have another idea. There’s a spark in his eyes as he tells Gong Jun to hold on just a second, he needs to make a quick phone call (he disappears into the hallway before Gong Jun can ask what he’s up to). A few minutes later he steps back into the office and approaches the desk.
“So, good news, ma says there’s plenty of room for four more.” Zhehan gives him one of those (very familiar) don’t I have the best ideas? smiles that he always uses when he’s trying to bulldoze his way through a conversation.
“Zhehan - “
He’s cut off before he can even get his thoughts out. “I know what you’re going to say, that you’re fine and the kids will be fine and I should just go and enjoy my holiday, but you know I’m not going to be able to do that. How can anyone relax knowing that you all would be sitting around here, bored and lonely? I might as well stay here with you all if you don’t come with me.” Zhehan sits back on top of the desk, and Gong Jun does his very best not to notice how his skirt has ridden up his thighs (he’s never been more thankful for the existence of tights than these last two years). “Think of it as a favor for me, okay? Also there still should be plenty of seats available on my flight, so it all works out. What do you say, Gong Jun?”
He should say no. Remind Zhehan about appropriate employer/employee relations, which doesn’t involve bringing your boss and kids home to meet your family on New Years. Gong Jun should also probably address Zhehan’s entirely inappropriate work wardrobe while he’s at it, but it’s already been this long and he’s weak, so he doesn’t do any of those things. His resolve when it comes to Zhehan is paperthin at best (and no doubt going to cause him even more headaches one day).
Which is precisely why twelve hours later he finds himself being bustled into an overflowing kitchen to help with all the cooking prep for tonight’s New Year’s feast. They’d landed late last night after a flight delay, so everyone else was already asleep when they’d arrived. Zhehan’s mother had shooed them towards a guest room and insisted they get some rest. Gong Jun had woken up to a house already overflowing with aunts, uncles, and cousins, as well as a variety of small children that he couldn’t keep track of. The moment Zhehan revealed that Gong Jun was actually quite an excellent chef but never cooked at home, it had been over.
Though after half an hour, Gong Jun realizes he’s grateful for the work. Socializing with strangers isn’t his strong suit, and almost everyone else stays out of the kitchen to avoid being recruited into dish duty. He also doesn’t have to make any small talk, as the two women keep up a string of chatter amongst themselves. Other than hoping that the occasional screech of children’s voices out in the hallway aren’t coming from his own kids (for once), Gong Jun finds himself with nothing to worry about for the first time in… well, longer than he can remember.
Zhehan wanders into the kitchen a little later with Yitong in one arm. He manages to snatch a red bean bun from under his mother’s nose and takes a bite before pinching off a bit to offer to the toddler. “Everything going okay in here? You two haven’t terrorized my boss too much, I hope. He did pay to upgrade my flight here to first class after all.”
Gong Jun tries to answer, but Zhehan’s mother gets there first. “Why would we terrorize a guest? At least he’s being useful. You’ll spoil your appetite,” she says, plucking the half-eaten bun out of Zhehan’s hand. “Though it certainly took you long enough to have them come visit. I can’t believe you really asked me if it would be okay to bring Gong Jun and the children, like you want to insult my hospitality.”
“I do really appreciate it, I know this was last minute,” Gong Jun says, with a bow of his head in her direction. “I don’t think my children would’ve had nearly as much fun stuck at home with me over the holiday.”
She gives Gong Jun a lingering look that he doesn’t know how to interpret before shaking her head. “Enough of that. How could I live with the shame if I turned you away after you’ve taken on my Zhehan these years?”
“Ma, you’re making me sound like a charity project,” Zhehan protests, and the conversation devolves into good-natured bickering from there.
The rest of the visit continues like that. Zhehan’s family is boisterous in a way his own has never been, but Gong Jun finds himself actually enjoying it. His children are doted on (and no doubt spoiled) by nearly all the adults. If the aunties all seem to be torn between teasing him and constantly pushing more food at him, that’s fine. It’s all worth it to see the way that Yiran laughs and plays like she hasn’t since she was a toddler.
It’s the best New Year’s that Gong Jun can remember.
Two Days Ago
Zhehan sits on the edge of the bathtub and stares at the stick in his hand. He knows what the first test (and the second, and third) had said, but these things are always tricky to read. Maybe it was a false positive! So he’d gone back to the pharmacy and bought one of those pregnancy tests that had the digital display; no possible way to mix up those results, even for him. Now he just needs to wait, because there’s absolutely no way…
Pregnant.
Oh.
His ma, at least, reacts better to the news than he assumed she would. Once he tells her, she pauses for only a moment before shrugging and turning back to her cup of tea. “Thought so.”
“What do you mean, thought so? I didn’t even think so until I realized I was three weeks late this morning.”
“You’ve thrown up every morning since you got here, and you’ve never had a stomach bug a day in your life.” The morning sickness probably should have been a clue, actually, but in his own defense, Zhehan has been a bit preoccupied this past week. “Have you told him yet?”
Cold dread washes over Zhehan. “Who?”
“Gong Jun. I’m assuming he’s the father, no?”
There’s no use arguing. She’d clocked his horrific crush on Gong Jun the first time he’d called after starting the job. There’s nothing she’d like better than for Zhehan to finally settle down with him - there’s nothing that Zhehan would like better either. There’s only one problem.
“Ma… how can I?”
His mother gives him that look, the same one that she uses every time he says something particularly thoughtless. “How can you not? If he’s the father, he deserves to know. You deserve for him to know too - raising a child is hard enough when you’re not doing it by yourself.”
Zhehan gives her a wobbly smile. “But I won’t be alone, ma, I’d have you. And Xiaoyu, and the rest of the family.”
“What about the family you left behind in all this? What about those precious kids you talk about every time we’re on the phone? And Gong Jun? You’re just going to up and leave them without an explanation?” She puts a cup of tea down in front of him - herbal, supposedly good for settling his stomach, tastes like regrets - and then sits in the chair next to his, waiting for an answer.
Zhehan sees her point, he really does, but that’s not what he’s trying to do. “But they’re not mine, and I’ve finally had that fact knocked through my thick skull.” Zhehan takes a sip of the tea and grimaces at the bitterness. His ma wordlessly adds milk to it while she waits for him to continue. “I don’t want to, to trap him into something. I’ve seen marriages like that fall apart every time. If he wouldn’t want to marry me without knocking me up, then I don’t want to marry him at all.”
“Please don’t tell me that I’ve raised my son to be that much of a fool. Do you really believe that Gong Jun doesn’t love you?”
“Ma, it’s been almost five years. I’m sure he cares about me, in his own way, but if he hasn’t made a move by now then he never will. And I can’t keep going on like this. Not when there’s going to be someone else hurt by all this if I stay and… and things go south.” It’s all too easy to picture; Gong Jun trying to pretend he’s happy about the baby, but steadily growing colder and colder as the reality of the situation sets in. What would actually be worse, after all? Gong Jun marrying him out of duty, or Gong Jun not marrying him and Zhehan eventually being forced to watch him meet someone and actually fall in love this time? He shakes his head. “No, I’ve thought about it, and… this is for the best.”
Silence stretches out after he speaks his piece, the only noise the ticking of the analog kitchen clock his mother insists on keeping and the occasional drip of the faucet. He should look into having a plumber come out here (both him and his ma are useless at any kind of mechanical work, and his uncles nearby are as likely to make it worse as they are to fix it). Gong Jun is surprisingly handy for someone who’s never lived without a butler, but - hell, why is his mind even going here?
“Well,” his mom finally says. He can hear the way she’s forcing herself not to say more. “I can’t say I agree with you, but. You know you have a home with me as long as you want.”
For some reason that’s the thing that finally breaks Zhehan’s tremulous hold on his emotions. The tears are falling before he realizes he’s crying, and he throws himself forward. His ma, as always, catches him. She gathers as much of him into her lap as she can. They sit like that for a long time, just like Zhehan is a child himself again. It was hard for him as a kid, his feelings always too big for his body, like they were about to come bursting out of his skin. He didn’t know how to exist in an acceptable way. He also didn’t know how to stop, no matter how often it got him into trouble or caused him to break his own heart. It seems nothing much has changed now except for the stakes. If only this could all be fixed now by crying himself out on his ma’s shoulder… still, he’s grateful to have her. To have this.
Tomorrow, Zhehan promises himself. He’ll call Gong Jun tomorrow and… let him know he’s quitting.
Now
“... what?” Gong Jun feels like he’s been hit by a sandbag. “Zhehan, I don’t - I don’t understand.”
“I realize this is sudden, but it’s for the best. Things have gotten… complicated… and the children - they don’t deserve that.”
Zhehan’s voice sounds raw, like he’s swallowing around sandpaper; Gong Jun should’ve recognized how upset he was before now. “Then let’s uncomplicate it. We can talk out whatever the problem is, but you need to come home so we can speak face-to-face.”
“Gong Jun, you know that being in the same room would only distract the both of us.” Zhehan sighs on the other end of the line. “That’s our whole issue, isn’t it? We lose sight of our judgment around one another. We just keep giving into impulse, and look where it’s gotten us.”
It’s made me the happiest I’ve been in years, is what Gong Jun almost says. But he doesn’t. “Please don’t do this. The kids need you. I -”
“Of course I won’t leave you hanging. I actually know of a couple nannies who are looking for a new position. I can set up interviews for you this week while the kids are still gone.”
“Zhehan - “
“I’ll need to get my stuff, but honestly there’s not much except clothes. Daidai should be able to send it all through the mail.”
“Zhehan - “
“Everything considered, I don’t think this should be very disruptive. You’ll just need to be careful with Yitong, you know she can take a while to warm up to new people.”
This is insane. “Zhang Zhehan, stop it.” His tone finally gets Zhehan to pause, and Gong Jun takes full advantage of the opening. “I’m not going to interview anyone else, because you’re not quitting. Whatever reason you have for leaving, I promise you that I’ll fix it. I’ll do whatever I have to do. But do you really think you’re just… replaceable?”
Zhehan’s reply is soft. “This isn’t a debate, Junjun.”
“You’re not even going to say goodbye to the kids?”
“They’ll… they’ll understand. And they’ll forget about me soon enough. They’re still so young, and it’s not like I was their…” Zhehan trails off before he can finish the sentence, but they can both hear the mom lingering in the silence left over.
Gong Jun’s mind is racing. He needs to find something to say, anything that will make Zhehan realize that he’s being absurd. He’s too blindsided to even process what’s happening. Everything had been going so well - had been perfect, actually. But now Zhehan wants to leave so badly that he’s willing to abandon all of them. Gong Jun loves him, and he’s leaving.
All that comes out is a strangled please.
He’s not even sure he’s said it out loud until he hears Zhehan’s voice hitch. “Junjun…” he replies, sounding as shredded as Gong Jun feels. “I’m sorry. I really am, I should never have let it get this far, and… please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.” Then the call ends.
What. The. Fuck. Gong Jun immediately tries to call him back, but it goes straight to voicemail. Zhehan must’ve turned off his phone, which he never does.
“The car is ready - sir, is everything alright?” Daidai stops halfway through the door. “You’re shaking.”
“Ah. I am.” Gong Jun sits down heavily in his chair. “I, uh, I won’t be needing the car after all.”
“Did something happen with Zhehan’s flight? A delay?”
He swallows around the hysteria rising in his throat like bile. “He’s not on it, Daidai. He’s not coming back.”
Daidai nods once, then walks over to the bar car and pours some of Gong Jun’s best scotch into a glass and sets it in front of him. “What happened?”
“I have no idea,” Gong Jun admits, swallowing the entire drink and wincing at the burn as it goes down. “That was him just now, and he wouldn’t say much. Just that this is for the best and that things are complicated.”
“Well that doesn’t make any sense, things have been complicated between you two for ages now.” Daidai crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “Did anything happen at the beach before he left?”
Gong Jun shakes his head. “No, it was a great day. This was completely out of the blue.”
“Ah.” Then Daidai does the unthinkable, and actually reaches across the desk and pats Gong Jun on the shoulder. He assumes it’s supposed to be comforting; all it really does is make Gong Jun feel like the situation is even more dire than before. “Sir, I am sorry. This isn’t how I thought this would go, but if you’ve explained how you really feel and Zhehan still wants to leave…” He trails off, narrowing his eyes at Gong Jun who has no idea what his face is doing (but apparently it’s bad). “Gong Jun, you did tell him how you care for him, didn’t you?”
Huh. “I - I didn’t really think to confess my feelings in the middle of Zhehan quitting, Daidai.” Gong Jun starts fidgeting with the now-empty glass in his hands, spinning it against the mahogany desk top. “I mean - it doesn’t matter now, does it? If Zhehan felt the same way, he wouldn’t want to leave… unless I should? Tell him, that is?” Gong Jun looks up at Daidai. “What do you think?”
A muscle in Daidai’s jaw twitches. It’s the only indication he’s anything other than perfectly calm. “May I speak freely?” he asks, glancing up at the ceiling.
“Yes, of course.”
Daidai suddenly leans forward, gripping the edge of the desk. “I am so sick of this, practically the entire year, Daidai, what do I do? I told him I loved him, I took it back, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm worried about the children!" He slams a hand down. Gong Jun jumps. “And now at the first set-back, you’re giving up before you’ve even tried fighting for him. For god's sake, make a move! Do something! You passed on Beetlejuice, do you want to regret this for the rest of your life too?”
Then Daidai spins around and walks out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
Gong Jun takes a walk. He’s not even sure where he’s headed at first; he pulls on a light jacket, steps out the front door, and lets his feet pick a direction. Manhattan is pretty easy to lose yourself in for a few hours, after all, and in what feels like no time at all, he’s somehow made it almost all the way down to Central Park. It’s a beautiful spring Saturday, and the place is already packed with tourists. Good, Gong Jun thinks. He definitely doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts right now. He continues wandering, dodging small children who aren’t being minded very well and trying not to get run over by amateur roller bladers. Suddenly he finds himself in front of the Alice in Wonderland statue and comes to a stop.
The last time he was here was with Zhehan and the kids. It had been during the first few weeks after he’d hired Zhehan, and he’d come up to Gong Jun’s office one afternoon to ask if it was okay to take the kids out to the park. Gong Jun had shrugged and said of course - which one was Zhehan thinking of going to? Zhehan had blinked at him for a moment before shrugging and saying Central Park? with such an air of uncertainty that he’d immediately realized Zhehan likely had no idea what he was doing. So he’d taken off work early and escorted the lot of them, not sure even then why he was going out of his way like this. Technically this was Zhehan’s job after all. But Gong Jun had found himself actually smiling at his new nanny’s wide-eyed enthusiasm for everything about this city (“no one told me that Central Park was this huge - oh my god, is that where they filmed Home Alone 2?”). They’d eventually found themselves here in front of the Wonderland statue, which Yiran and Yichen had immediately wanted to climb all over. He’d sat down with Zhehan and Yitong and bought them a soft pretzel to share (also unlike him, but he figured he got a pass on the touristy stuff with Zhehan around).
It’s been ages since he thought of that day. It had been such a simple thing at the time, but when they’d gotten back to the brownstone later in the afternoon, Gong Jun had realized that it was the first day in ages he hadn’t felt crushed under the weight of, well, everything. He could breathe again, watching his kids play and listening to the soothing rhythm of Zhehan’s chatter. The weight is back now. Except this time Zhehan is the one who's gone, and it's his own damn fault.
… which means he can still do something about it - at least he hopes so.
Gong Jun makes it back to the house in half the time. He heads straight for the kitchen and sure enough finds Daidai stress scrubbing the kitchen sink.
He looks up. “Sir, earlier -
“No, no, you were right. I’ve screwed this up, but.” Gong Jun takes a steadying breath. “I don’t want to regret this too, Dadai. I’ve got an idea, but I need your help pulling a plan together.”
Daidai sets down his sponge and peels off the bright yellow rubber gloves. “Sir, I thought you’d never ask.”
It’s a gorgeous day out, the kind of early summer morning that’s just cool enough for Zhehan to still be comfortable on his walk back to his mom’s house. He’s clutching a large orange juice and a greasy paper bag from McDonald’s. Somehow, his little nugget has decided that a sausage, egg and cheese McGriddle and hash browns are the only thing it can tolerate on Zhehan’s stomach before noon. Luckily there’s a location within walking distance so that Zhehan doesn’t have to pay a delivery fee every morning.
Since he’s unemployed. And about to be a single parent.
Anyway, he’s trying to focus on the positive right now! It’s been about a week since he talked to Gong Jun, so his clothes and other stuff should be here any day now. Well, provided that Gong Jun actually had Daidai send them and isn’t doing anything uncharacteristically petty. Zhehan can only wash the clothes he packed for his trip so often. Today, for instance, he’s wearing a pair of his mom’s old camping shorts (bright orange, held together with some kind of nylon cord on the sides) and an old sweatshirt of his dad’s he’d found shoved in the back of a drawer. It’s functional but not exactly cute, and he misses his own clothes (also maybe if he’s really lucky, Gong Jun will send along the sweater of his that Zhehan always steals anyway… it should still smell like him for a while, if Zhehan’s careful).
That’s the pathetic thought still going through his head as he opens the front gate to the yard and comes to a dead stop. The McDonald’s bag lands on the grass. His heart starts racing, and it takes all his self-control not to sprint the distance to the front door where Gong Jun stands in the flesh, repeatedly ringing the doorbell. He naturally looks like a dream in a fresh button up and slacks that probably don’t like they’d been fished from the bottom of an abandoned drawer.
Oh hell. Why didn’t he bother showering this morning?
Apparently giving up on the bell, Gong Jun knocks on the door itself. Loudly. If Zhehan leaves him there much longer, he’s either going to bust his knuckles or, even worse, alert the neighbors to his presence (they’ve already asked enough rude questions in the last two weeks without adding a large, desperate alpha on his porch into the mix). He briefly considers taking his hair down from the haphazard half-bun he’d pulled it into before heading out the door, but there’s no way he’s fixing this situation with a little finger combing. So, with a quick prayer to the universe that the earth might swallow him up in the next few seconds, Zhehan walks up to the porch.
“Ma went out for an early lunch with some of her friends from her book club, so no one’s inside.” Gong Jun startles before spinning around. He takes an aborted step towards Zhehan but stops and falls back on the balls of his feet. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long - at least for the door’s sake.”
Gong Jun shakes his head. “Sorry. Uh, no, I just got here. Though I’ll admit I was suddenly worried I’d misremembered the address and was about to get escorted off the property for harassment.” Zhehan can’t help but notice the dark circles under his eyes and how unusually jittery his hands are. He clearly hasn’t been getting enough sleep; Zhehan makes a mental note to text Daidai about swapping his earl gray out for chamomile. “You - you look good, Zhehan.”
Zhehan raises a skeptic eyebrow. “When was the last time you got your eyes checked?”
“I mean it. I’ve missed you, Zhehan, this last week has been - “
“Why are you here, Gong Jun?” He crosses his arms over his chest and sits down on the porch railing. “I thought I was pretty clear over the phone, but you apparently took that as an invitation to get on a plane and show up at my mother’s door.”
“Clear?” Gong Jun’s voice cracks on the word like he’s a teenager. “You weren’t clear at all. You tell me that you’re quitting with no notice, and that it’s somehow best for all of us even though this is going to devastate the kids and - well, and I was sitting there like an idiot with three different restaurant reservations just in case you didn’t like the first one I picked.”
Zhehan is sure he missed something important but he can barely keep up with what Gong Jun is saying. “Reservations? What are you talking about?”
Gong Jun sighs in frustration. “Look, this is coming out all wrong. All of that isn’t important, and it’s not what I’m trying to say.“
The weak part of Zehan that’s made most of his decisions up til the last week is dying to hear whatever he’s trying to spit out; it probably means he shouldn’t let Gong Jun continue. “You shouldn’t be saying any of this at all.” He slides off the railing and takes a step towards Gong Jun. “I appreciate the effort you took to come here, but you shouldn’t have, you should’ve just sent me my stuff like I asked. What’s done is done, and I don’t owe you any other explanations, and - just leave, Junjun.”
“Not until you hear what I have to say, Zhehan.”
Gong Jun’s tone brings Zhehan’s brain screeching to a halt (not helpful). There’s something firm, decisive even, that hasn’t been there before. It’s like he’s ready to fight for something for once. Zhehan tries to tell himself that whatever this is, it doesn’t matter. He needs to regain control of this conversation before he does something stupid.
“Why is this so important to you?” Zhehan asks (mistake number one).
“Because I know you think you’ve made up your mind about leaving, but you’re - you’re basing that on inaccurate information, and you deserve to have the full picture.”
“Junjun - “
“Zhehan, please. Let me get this out.” Gong Jun’s hand slips into his own, and Zhehan doesn’t pull away (mistake number two). “I’ve been planning it all week, after all,” he adds with a nervous laugh. This close, Zhehan can tell that it’s not just Gong Jun’s hands that are shaking; he’s trembling like a leaf even as he squeezes Zhehan’s fingers.
Goddammit. “... well, how am I supposed to say no to that?” (mistake number three, and possibly his biggest).
Gong Jun’s answering smile nearly melts all his resistance right away. This is precisely why Zhehan left. How can he make responsible choices with this man right in front of him all the time? Zhehan starts scrambling to remember all of his very logical reasons for quitting as Gong Jun begins.
“I’ve put you through hell this year. No, don’t argue, you know I’m right,” he says as soon as Zhehan opens his mouth. “I’ve been impossible and confusing, going hot and then cold on you and never explaining any of it. In fact we’ve talked about everything except what’s been happening between us, and - god, it must’ve seemed like I was just toying with you the whole time. I’ve been an idiot.”
He can’t help himself. “I thought you said this was going to be new information,” Zhehan says, winning a surprised laugh from Gong Jun. It feels dangerously good.
“Yes, well it doesn’t hurt to review the basics.” Gong Jun’s smile fades as quickly as it came. “The truth is, I’ve been blundering my way through this, terrified to change anything but unable to stay away from you. I was so focused on my own useless guilt and jealousy that I didn’t see how I was hurting you. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what was going on with my own heart until the other week talking to Yiran about her mother, and suddenly it made so much sense, and - Zhehan. I’m so sorry, but if you’ll give me another chance I swear you won’t regret it.“
Zhehan shakes his head. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me. What does your wife have to do with any of this? And Yiran? You’re not making - “
“I love you.” What? “And I know I said it before and then took it back, because honestly I was terrified, but now I know there’s only one thing that should scare me, and that’s losing you.” Oh no. “I’ve fucked this up for so long, and I have no real right to ask you any of this.” No no no. “But I’m in love with you, and I have to try. If you decide to come back, I don’t want you there as my nanny, Zhehan. I want you as my wife.”
Zhehan never realized you could get everything you ever wanted offered to you on a silver platter and feel so empty.
“Who told you?” His fingers feel numb all of the sudden.
Clearly not expecting that reaction, Gong Jun furrows his brow. “Told me what, Zhehan? That I love you?” He cups Zhehan’s cheek in his other hand. “I’ll admit it took me a while, but I did eventually figure that one out on my own.”
“No - no, not that. About the baby. I know it wasn’t ma, so that only leaves Xiaoyu, but he promised me he wouldn’t say a word.” Zhehan steps back, and this time Gong Jun lets him. “They both tried to get me to tell you, but I didn’t because I wanted to avoid this exact situation. Fuck.” He sits down on the brick steps with a thud and puts his face in his hands. This is a nightmare. Everything he did to not end up here, and Gong Jun still found out anyway. He’ll pretend that he’s not just trying to do the right thing by proposing, but they’ll both know…
Except the expected denial never materializes. In fact there’s about thirty seconds of silence before Zhehan looks back over his shoulder and sees that Gong Jun is still standing there, frozen. “... you’re pregnant?” he finally asks, sounding convincingly dazed. Huh, he’s usually not a good liar.
“You don’t have to pretend like you didn’t already know that.” Zhehan turns back around so he doesn’t have to look at Gong Jun’s face for the next part. “Look, it’s fine, and I’ll figure it out, you don’t need to do all of this.”
That seems to snap Gong Jun out of his daze, because the next thing Zhehan knows he’s kneeling in front of him. “Zhehan, this doesn’t change anything about what I just said - oh, god, is that why you left?” He doesn’t answer, and Gong Jun presses on. “I promise, I had no idea. No one told me anything.”
Zhehan shakes his head. “Of course you did, that’s the only reason you’re proposing to me… isn’t it?”
“No, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I was originally going to do this after I picked you up from the airport, but then you called, and… well. You know the rest.”
Huh. Zhehan has been so certain that he was right, but what Gong Jun’s saying almost makes sense, and… huh.
Blame it on the hormones, or the stress, but that’s it for Zhehan’s emotional fortitude for the day. He manages to get out a single “Oh,” before burying his face in Gong Jun’s shirt and starting to ugly cry. Gong Jun somehow manages to get them both inside before they put on any more of a show and steers them towards the couch. The entire story comes spilling out before Zhehan can stop it; the day at the beach, Yitong’s mama slip, finding out he was pregnant. By the end of it, his voice is raspy but his heart feels lighter than it has in weeks (maybe that has a lot to do with the way he’s curled against Gong Jun’s chest, head resting on his shoulder).
“Oh sweetheart. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Gong Jun asks. He uses his own shirt cuff to wipe away some of the tears from Zhehan’s face, gentle as can be.
Zhehan groans. It sounds so stupid now, but it made sense earlier. “Well just remember that I didn’t think that you, y’know, loved me.” Which still sounds like a fantasy, but Zhehan’s trying to believe it. “But, uh. I didn’t want to trap you…”
Gong Jun makes a strangled noise that might be a laugh. “Right, trap me with a man I’m crazy about? Who adores my children? And makes me laugh every day?” Zhehan dares to make eye contact with him, and - oof, a couple weeks away really didn’t make the puppy eyes any less lethal.
“Yeah that sounds pretty awful,” he mutters before shoving his face into Gong Jun’s shoulder. His eyes can’t do anything dangerous to Zhehan’s heart rate if he just doesn’t look directly at him.
That doesn’t work for long, however. After a minute or so, Gong Jun gives him a tiny shake. “Zhehan.”
“Hmmm?”
“You haven’t actually said yes to me yet.”
“Oh, right.” Zhehan extracts himself from Gong Jun and sits up. “Though technically, you haven’t asked me anything, you just kinda told me what you want.”
There’s a moment where Zhehan can see Gong Jun replaying the last half hour in his head, then he grimaces. “You know, you’re right. I suppose I’ll have to fix that then.” Then he slides off the couch and onto one knee in front of Zhehan, taking one of his hands in his. “Zhehan - “
“Wait - can I change first?”
“No,” Gong Jun says with a laugh. “You’re perfect just like this. Now let me get this out so I don’t have to try a third time. I’ve been waiting to do this all week.”
“Try waiting four years,” Zhehan says with a watery smile, but then settles.
Gong Jun takes a deep breath before he begins. “Zhehan… I didn’t expect to find you. Truth be told, I didn’t expect to find anyone again, at least not for a very very long time. But from the first moment you breezed through my front door like a one-man typhoon, you made us all feel alive again. For that alone, I'll love you forever.” He pauses for a moment, and Zhehan realizes that Gong Jun’s still somehow nervous about this. He gives his hands a quick squeeze, his thumb rubbing over Gong Jun’s palm. “There’s so much more that I could point to for why I love you - your sweetness, your vivacity, how passionate you are about every little aspect of life. But what I really know is that you’re the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Zhang Zhehan, will you marry me?”
Zhehan is pretty sure he says yes, because one moment he’s perched on the edge of the couch, trying (and failing) not to cry; then the next, he’s in Gong Jun’s arms, being kissed like their both lives depend on it. Gong Jun lifts him up, and Zhehan wraps his legs around his waist and trusts Gong Jun not to let him fall. He’s sure he looks like a greasy mess, and both of them are red-eyed and splotchy from crying, but Zhehan’s never felt happier or more adored than in this moment.
They’re so wrapped up in each other that they don’t hear the door open (or close, or any of several sets of footsteps). It’s only when someone (loudly) clears their throat next to them that they break apart. Gong Jun sets Zhehan back on his feet, but his arms remain firmly around his waist.
“Uh. Hello there,” Gong Jun stammers out.
Zhehan turns to look and sees five or six middle-aged women standing in the living room. “Oh, hi ma. Hi ma’s book club.” Zhehan sounds dopey but he can’t find it in himself to care right now. “I don’t think any of you have met my fiance, Gong Jun.”
Eight hours later, Gong Jun reaches over to Zhehan and slides their fingers together over the armrest. Zhehan’s staring out the window of the plane, biting his lower lip. “You okay over there?” he asks, trying to sound soothing.
Zhehan startles a bit but nods. “Yeah, just… stupidly nervous for some reason.”
Gong Jun can’t really imagine being scared of anything else after spending lunch surrounded by Zhehan’s mother and friends (they’d all insisted on staying and hearing all about their engagement). He’d spent half the time praying that she wouldn’t stab him, and the other half fending off borderline intrusive questions about their relationship from overly inquisitive aunties. Zhehan had let him flounder for only a few minutes before taking over and fending them off, but it’d been enough to leave him with at least one more gray streak in his hair.
Still, he can understand. “If you want, we can just elope right now and let everyone figure out what’s going on after.” Zhehan snorts and shakes his head.
“Do you want my ma to kill you? Because that’s a quick way to get her to do it.” He sighs. “I know I’m being ridiculous, but I’m worried about what the kids will think.”
“Well I’m glad you know that’s absurd, because they adore you. Surely you know that, Zhehan.” He brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses the back of Zhehan’s fingers. “You have nothing to be scared of.”
Zhehan hums noncommittally in response. “I just hope they haven’t run poor Daidai ragged. I can’t believe you abandoned him to show up at my door. You could’ve just come a day earlier and then I’d have been home by the time they got back from your parents”
Hearing Zhehan call the brownstone home again practically melts Gong Jun. “I’ll have you know Daidai was very supportive of this plan - in fact, I think he might be more excited about this than you are.” Zhehan really laughs then, which is what Gong Jun was aiming for. He just hopes things are ready at the house by the time they arrive.
The limo is waiting for them at the airport. Zhehan teases Gong Jun for not driving himself - until Gong Jun admits that he wasn’t sure he’d be in a state to drive when he got back, depending on what Zhehan’s answer had been. That shuts Zhehan up pretty fast, and his growing blush is so adorable that Gong Jun has to kiss him for a while (he’s never been more grateful for the sound-proof partition). Still, they have to remain decent, so he pulls back after a bit and lets Zhehan compose himself. They make small talk for the rest of the drive about plans for the remainder of the summer, about Yitong starting pre-school in the fall, about anything really that will keep Zhehan from getting nervous again. Besides, Gong Jun just likes the sound of his voice. He’s really never letting Zhehan leave again if he has his way.
Gong Jun opens the door and lets Zhehan walk in ahead of him. He’s still talking a mile-a-minute about Paris (he already has an entire dream itinerary planned out) when they turn the corner into the living room. Zhehan comes to a dead stop with a soft intake of breath.
“I told you that you shouldn’t be nervous,” Gong Jun whispers against his temple and loops his arm around Zhehan’s waist.
When Gong Jun had asked Daidai to stay with the kids while he flew out to try and win Zhehan back, he had no idea if he was going to be returning with good news or not. Once he knew that they’d both be coming home (and for good), Gong Jun had managed to slip away to call with an update. After he’d made sure that Gong Jun had no intention of taking it back this time, Daidai had mentioned something about the kids wanting to decorate, but even Gong Jun hadn’t fully expected this.
The living room is festooned in a variety of balloons (some only half-blown up), streamers, and confetti that Gong Jun knows will take ages to clean up. There’s a cake (decorated beautifully by Daidai), cupcakes (clearly decorated by the kids, maybe less beautifully but with just as much effort), and some kind of dubious looking fruit punch. Someone’s also spilled glitter over one arm of the couch. But all of that fades into the background, because all three of their children are gathered under a hand-written banner that reads “Welcome Home Mama”.
Yiran is the first to notice them come in, and she nudges both her siblings. They all turn around and blow some noise makers before shouting their greetings (it’s a mix of “you’re home!”, a confused “happy birthday!”, and general yelling from Yichen). It’s chaotic. It’s perfect. Zhehan doesn’t waste a moment before darting forward and kneeling down to scoop them all into a giant hug.
“Mama, huh?” Gong Jun says, leaning over to Daidai who’s quietly standing at the side.
He shrugs. “I didn’t say a word, just that Zhehan would be back. Yiran is the one who insisted on writing the banner herself.”
“She’s always been the observant one of us, hasn’t she?”
“Yes sir, she has. Though she certainly didn’t get that from you.”
Gong Jun ignores that last part and walks over to extract Zhehan from the pile of kids on the floor. Once they’ve managed to get everyone settled on the couch and more or less focused, he clears his throat. “I need you all to pay attention, because I have something very important to tell you. Now you know that Zhehan is home now, but that’s not the only good news.” He squeezes Zhehan’s hand before continuing, “This may come as a surprise, but Zhehan isn’t going to be your ayi anymore -” He’s immediately cut off by all three of his children protesting, which in turn makes Zhehan start laughing, and - this is going to be his foreseeable future, isn’t it? (Gong Jun doesn’t mind that at all actually). “A-Chen, stop threatening to run away, Zhehan isn’t going anywhere. He’s not going to be your ayi anymore because, well.” Zhehan’s finally stopped giggling and looks at Gong Jun with sparkling eyes. “Because I actually love him very much, and we’re going to be getting married. Zhehan’s going to be your new mama.”
There’s silence for about five terrifying seconds until the questions start.
“Is that the surprise? Everyone knows you love ayi. ”
“I thought you were already married?”
“Are you going to hire someone else?”
“No, A-Chen, you don’t need an ayi if you have a mama.”
“But then who will…”
As Yiran and Yichen start arguing, Yitong slides off the couch seat and runs over to Zhehan, asking to be picked up with a tug on his pants. He lifts her into his arms, and she pouts at him.
“What’s wrong, angel?” Zhehan asks, and Gong Jun can hear his lingering nerves behind the question. “I know this is a big change, it’s okay if you have questions.” It takes a couple of tries, but they finally make out what she’s asking: if they’re getting married, don’t married people have babies? Does that mean that she won’t be Zhehan’s baby anymore?
Zhehan looks over at Gong Jun with wide eyes. They agreed earlier that it was too early to tell the kids anything about having a new sibling soon. Of course, leave it to his youngest to come right out and say something. “Oh sweetie, don’t you know you’ll always be my baby?” Zhehan finally says, tickling her belly and sending her into a fit of giggles. “Even when you’re old and wrinkly and have gray in your hair like babi - “
“Excuse you, I don't have that much gray in my hair.”
Daidai snorts somewhere across the room, and by that point Yiran and Yichen have gotten distracted by someone else getting more attention than them. “What about me?” Yichen asks with a squawk, “I’m a baby too!”
“No you’re not, you’re six! That’s old!” But Yiran doesn’t waste any time scrambling over to demand hugs too, and before Gong Jun knows it they’re all in a pile again. It’s completely undignified, somehow the glitter has made its way from the couch onto everyone else now, and Gong Jun has never been happier in his life.
4 Months Later
Zhehan wakes up like he does most days lately, with his husband pressed against his back, his mouth trailing slowly down Zhehan’s neck. Gong Jun has recently discovered how much he likes to take his time and tease him, and Zhehan’s both deeply appreciative of that fact and frustrated in turns. This morning, however, he’s content to let Gong Jun take as much time as he wants. It’s hard to feel rushed with the Tuscan sun streaming in through the open window, warming him just as thoroughly as Gong Jun’s touch. They’ve rented the villa for the week before they go to Rome for the last half of their honeymoon after all; there’s no point in urgency.
That doesn’t stop him from teasing back. As Gong Jun rolls him over so that they’re facing each other, Zhehan puts a hand against his chest. “Laogong,” he says with an exaggerated pout, “what about breakfast?”
Gong Jun’s lips twitch but he keeps a straight face. “Well, I was thinking about breakfast in bed, Zhehan.” His hand skims over Zhehan’s chest and settles on his bump, where he starts tracing circles. It sends a shiver up Zhehan’s spine. There’d been a moment right after Gong Jun had proposed when he couldn’t help but worry - would he get huge? Would Gong Jun still want him once he couldn’t see his own feet? Of course Gong Jun had proved his fears completely unfounded (in fact, his fixation on the growing swell of his stomach often leaves Zhehan flustered). And now that they know they’re having twins, Gong Jun has become more doting than ever.
“Don’t you think that’s a little - ah, a little messy?” Zhehan asks, his voice catching as Gong Jun’s fingers slide from his stomach down between his legs. He can practically hear his husband’s smirk when he pushes a finger inside his cunt and already finds him wet.
He adds a second finger, which isn’t nearly enough, and bites lightly at Zhehan’s jaw. “Here I was under the impression that you didn’t mind making a mess in bed.” Zhehan rolls his hips against Gong Jun, hungry for more but not willing to say it out loud yet. Gong Jun chuckles low and throaty and gives him another finger. He collects some of his slick on his thumb before using it to circle his clit. “I was going to toast the rest of that brioche we picked up yesterday. Thought we could have it with the cream and fresh berries.” Zhehan’s already nearly undone - a fun little quirk of being pregnant that no one had warned him about - and fails to bite back his whine when Gong Jun suddenly stills.
“Laogong, what are you doing -”
“Well if you want to keep things clean, Zhehan, we better stop and go ahead and move to the kitchen - “ He cuts off with a yelp as Zhehan playfully pinches his nipple and rolls them over so that he’s straddling his husband.
“If you try to leave this bed before I say so, Junjun, I’m going to be a very young widow,” Zhehan threatens.
“Mmm, as you wish, then” Gong Jun replies, all too happy to oblige.
They end up having a very late breakfast (and only once Gong Jun insisted after Zhehan’s stomach growled rather impressively). The bed is decidedly no longer fit to have a meal in, so they eat the feast Gong Jun’s made on the veranda instead. He’s been obsessed with making sure Zhehan is eating enough since before the first prenatal appointment, and this morning is no exception. In addition to the brioche and cream, breakfast also includes pan-fried potatoes and mini omelets. Zhehan can’t stop himself from laughing when he sees the eggs.
He shakes his head when Gong Jun asks him what’s so funny. “It’s really nothing, just something I remembered from a while ago. This looks perfect.” Gong Jun raises an eyebrow but lets it go, and they continue their morning together.
Today is a world away from the last time Gong Jun made him eggs for breakfast. Zhehan idly wishes there was a way to go back nearly a year ago and tell that version of himself, heartbroken and convinced that Gong Jun would never let himself love him back, that everything would turn out so beautifully. That everything would eventually be worth it.
And it really is, Zhehan thinks, sneaking a glance at Gong Jun in the late morning sun. He catches Zhehan looking and gives him an exaggerated wink. Zhehan laughs and digs into his food before his husband can start fussing, and feels incredibly lucky. Because despite everything - the misunderstandings, the downright clownish behavior, the months and months they dragged this thing out over - Zhehan wouldn’t trade what they have now for the world.
“Zhehan, everything alright?” Gong Jun asks, and Zhehan realizes he must have let himself get lost in thought longer than he realized.
He reaches over and takes Gong Juns’ hand in his. “Everything’s perfect, Junjun.”