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Ivar could hear the distant sounds of the feast. The laughs, yells, even the fights. If he closed his eyes he could see the people dancing, feel the warmth of the fire on his skin, hear the happy music and smell the meat and the fish on the plates, taste the sweet mead. There was only joy and celebration, the men forgot their differences and drank together until they passed out in the Hall. Maybe in the near future they would try to kill each other. 

His eyes were fixed on the sea, though. It was calm and dark, and Ivar wondered if the water would be as cold as it seemed. The wind wasn't as cold now, though, the summer was close and the nights got a bit warmer. He wondered then if anyone in the feast realised he wasn't there. His mother would probably start looking for him soon, and Ivar didn't want to look at her in the face and say what he was thinking out loud. She was probably the only one that could stop him. 

Sigurd's voice echoed in his head again. "Father left you to the wolves, that was smart of him" . 

Aslaug had gasped then, even Björn had frowned at that. Everyone on the table looked at Ivar, with pity on their eyes. 

"What? We all know Ivar is nothing but a burden here, our lives would be much better without him" .

Everyone glared at Sigurd, tried to ignore him and even rolled their eyes, but Ivar knew what they were thinking. Ivar knew they thought that same thing about him too. At least Sigurd was brave enough to say it out loud. 

He tore his eyes from the dark water and fixed them on his legs. Bounded together with leather cords, they seemed to hurt more than ever that night. He had seen everyone's eyes fix on them at least once, but the worst part was when everyone looked up at him and he was able to read their thoughts. In some of those strangers' eyes he saw mockery, they obviously thought he was useless, but the worst ones were the ones that pitied him. A viking that can't walk? Can he even approach a woman? He won't have children, he won't fight in a battlefield, he won't discover new lands nor build kingdoms, like his father did. 

He will die in bed, during a cold night, without achieving anything worthy. He won't reach Valhalla.

That was funny for some of them, sad for others. 

Ragnar had thought the same, that's why he decided to leave him in the woods to die, as Sigurd liked to remind him. He preferred a dead son than a crippled one. He thought Ivar wouldn't survive that long, and if he did he would have a life full of misery, it wasn't worthy... 

Ragnar Lothbrok was always right. 

Grunting in rage, he punched his right leg repeatedly. He was so angry, sad and cold that he barely felt the bone break. That morning he had woken up with very blue eyes. 

And then he looked up, repressing a scream directed to the Gods. Why did they curse him with something like that? Was it some kind of punishment? He couldn't understand, and it drove him mad not to understand things. 

Maybe soon he would be able to ask them directly. 

But just when he was about to jump, looking down at the water again with tears of rage and desperation in his eyes, a voice startled him. 

"A bit late for a bath, isn't it?" 

Ivar jumped, turning around to find the person that dared to bother him. He felt uneasy then, knowing someone had witnessed his breakdown, his most vulnerable moment. But it wasn't any of his brothers, no one he knew, actually. It was a girl, who stood there looking at him with her head tilted, wrapped on a woolen cloak that probably belonged to someone way taller than her. Ivar could barely see her face in the darkness, but he knew he didn't know her. At least her voice wasn't familiar. 

"Who are you?" his hand reached for the knife he had on his belt, and watched the girl frowned, stepping back. 

"I don't think your mother would appreciate it if you threw a dagger to one of your guests" you bit your lip. You knew Ivar Ragnarsson, the youngest of the princes of Kattegat, had a reputation of being short-tempered, and even if you really wanted to help him, you hoped to do it without risking your life. 

One of your guests . So that's who you were, probably the daughter of one of the Earls that had arrived in Kattegat in the last few days and who were now getting drunk and laughing in the Great Hall. 

"You weren't thinking about jumping, were you?" 

Ivar rolled his eyes, annoyed. He didn't know who you were, but he was losing his patience. 

"Why do you care!?" he yelled, the tears had dried on his cheeks "Why don't you just leave?"

"I heard your fight with your brother" you sighed, and finally started approaching him "I heard what he said to you" 

Ivar clenched his jaw. Great , someone else pitying him, another grimace and more sympathy words. He was so sick of it. 

"Why do you care?" he repeated, scoffing "Leave" 

"No" you frowned "Not until you've listened to me"

If Ivar Ragnarsson thought he was stubborn... Well, he still had to get to know you. 

"Why would I listen to you? I don't even know you" he rolled his eyes. 

"My name is Y/N" you tried to smile at him. 

He didn't smile back.

"I don't care" he looked away when you were finally closer to him. He tensed, and you stopped walking, kneeling on the cold ground to sit. 

"I don't think you're a burden" you muttered. Ivar froze.

"You don't know me" he narrowed his eyes. 

"No" you agreed, sighing "But my father brought me here telling me I should get to know the sons of Ragnar, because I will probably marry one of them when I get older, when I start bleeding" you said slowly, expecting his yelling again. But he didn't interrupt you this time "He encouraged me to talk to Ubbe, Hvitserk and Sigurd, and no one mentioned you until I asked" 

"Don't worry, your father wouldn't marry you to a cripple" his tone was cold, and you widened your eyes at him. 

"I'm not worried about that, in fact, the only one that caught my attention was you" 

Great, now she's amazed because she sees me like a freak. 

"I mean" you sighed "The only one I want to get to know right now is you, because I..." you interrupted yourself, flustered. 

"Save your pity" he glared at you "I don't need it" 

"I don't pity you" you shook your head "Maybe at first I did, a bit, but then I saw you fighting" your voice sounded amazed "I saw you taking down your brothers, with no effort, I've seen you speak, I've seen you play Hnefatafl and win every single time, I... I've seen enough to know you're not a burden, but instead I think you're the most special of the sons of Ragnar" 

Ivar didn't answer at first, too stunned after hearing your words. He hadn't seen you watching him, he thought no one would pay attention to him for as long as his brothers were around. Most of the guests didn't even acknowledge his presence until Aslaug or Ubbe introduced him. But there you were, listing all the things you admired. 

"I can't walk" he clenched his jaw again, but this time at least he wasn't glaring at you "I can't fight properly, I can't do... Normal tasks, I can't be a viking" he nearly growled, with his eyes full of tears. 

"But you are a viking" you shot him a sweet smile "You fight better than many men I've seen without using your legs, you're smart, you are strong... Your brother is wrong, you're not a burden, and you deserve to live as much as any of your brothers do" you sighed "I can't really change your mind if you want to drown in there" you nodded at the black water "Because you don't know me and probably don't care about my opinion, but it would be a pity, because I'm sure you're destined to great things, Ivar, and I think you're worth much more than you believe"

He hesitated then, and his cold eyes travelled from you to the water. 

You smiled in victory when he moved in your direction, looking like he had changed his mind. What Ivar couldn't understand was why did you care so much, why did you follow him out of the feast? Why were you so worried? What made you step closer to stop him? 

No one but his mother would care, he had thought, and she would even be relieved with time, because she wouldn't have to spend every single day worrying about him. 

Before he could open his mouth again to ask you, Ivar heard his name, and as soon as he looked in that direction he saw his brothers. In some way, it comforted him to know they had been looking for him. That they cared in some way, maybe because Aslaug made them to, but they were there anyway. Ubbe and Hvitserk approached them with a worried expression. 

"We couldn't find you" Ubbe nearly scolded him "You shouldn't be here all alone, it's late and cold" he sighed, but stopped when he saw you sitting near him. Ivar blushed, thankful for the darkness that hid it, and watched as you smiled nervously. 

"Hi, sorry, Ivar and I just went away to talk for a bit" you said in a sweet tone "It was noisy near the Hall so we came here because I said I wanted to see the fjord" you lied, and Ivar was secretly relieved that you didn't say the truth. 

"Hi Y/N" Ubbe smiled at you "I'm glad you both had a chance to talk a bit more"

You'd swear he was even nicer to you when he knew you were talking to Ivar than he did when you were talking to him. Hvitserk was smirking from behind him. 

"Me too, Ivar is really nice" you stood up "I better go now, my father is probably wondering where I am and he wouldn't like to know I'm alone with three boys" you giggled "I'll see you tomorrow, good night!" 

You only leant down to kiss Ivar's cheek, making his skin burn to the point he thought everyone could see it, before you turned around and left. Ubbe muttered a goodbye and turned to look at his little brother with a wide smile on his face. 

Great , he'd have to deal with their teasing for days. 

Ivar looked surprised, to say the least, when you entered his chambers just as he prepared to leave for England. You wore a beautiful blue dress, probably a gift from Queen Aslaug, and your hair loose, showing your status as an unmarried woman that your father hoped would attract some suitors. Even if you rejected every single one that asked for your hand. 

"I'm sorry if I'm intruding" you smiled shyly "Ubbe told me you were preparing to leave with your father"

Ivar winked a few times and nodded slowly, feeling his cheeks burn as you approached him, a small smile still on your lips. Even if some years had passed since you met him for the first time, you still felt nervous and shy every time you approached him.

"May I?" you pointed at the spot next to him on his bed.

"Sure" he muttered, shrugging. 

Sitting down next to him, you looked at his legs. He had discarded the leather straps he used to bind them together, and you spotted the pair of crutches leant on the bed. 

"I wanted to say goodbye to you" you sighed "Your mother said..."

"That I will die, I know" Ivar clenched his jaw. 

"I think she's wrong" you added quickly "It's not like I'm going to say that to her " you chuckled "But I think you will survive"

"I'm a cripple " he sighed "Every journey is dangerous for a cripple"

"But you're much more than that" you frowned "We've had this conversation many times"

"Not this year, though" Ivar bit his lip "You haven't spoken to me since you came back"

For years, Kattegat became your home for the spring and the summer, waiting for the moment in which you'd have the proper age to get married and also to choose to whom you'd be married. Your father, an Earl that was fortunate enough to have sons, was obsessed with the idea of marrying his only daughter to a prince. And what is better than a prince? A prince that is also a son of Ragnar.

That year, though, you felt the pressure more than ever, your father wanted you to get closer to Ubbe or Sigurd, but instead you got closer to Hvitserk and Ivar. Hvitserk having a questionable reputation with women in the entire kingdom and Ivar being definitely not an option for your father. This year he gave you a warning; either you came back home with a suitor or he would choose your future husband. 

"I thought you didn't want to speak to me" you muttered, looking down at your lap "You were with Margrethe" 

He clenched his jaw at the mention of her name. 

"I was with her because you ignored me" 

"I didn't ignore you" you frowned "I just... My father wanted me to choose a husband this year"

Ivar's eyes turned cold, and he looked at his legs as he adjusted the straps around them. 

"Everyone says you'll marry Hvitserk" 

"Everyone but me" you smiled softly "I wouldn't marry Hvitserk, I love him but he's like a brother to me" 

Ivar frowned.

"Better him than an old man" 

"But he's not my first choice" you raised an eyebrow, and looked away as soon as he turned his head back to you. 

"Do you even have a choice?" 

"I like to think I do, yes" you smiled softly "Even if my father has the last say on it"

"And who is your choice then? Sigurd?" you heard the mocking on his tone. 

"No" you licked your lips nervously "I brought you something" 

Ivar opened his mouth to reply to you when he saw you holding something. 

"I had it made for you" you smiled softly "I wanted to give it to you before leaving, but I think you might need it in England" you muttered. 

The sharp edge of the knives shone even in the dim light of the chambers, it ended on a ring instead of an usual handle. Better for throwing instead of stabbing, like Ivar used to do. They came in leather sheaths, with serpents carved on them. His finger caressed the blade, a stunned expression on his face. 

"They are beautiful" he muttered, and looked up to you again "Thank you, Y/N"

You smiled brightly at him, and he couldn't help but smile back before looking down at the knives. No one had ever given him weapons before, probably thinking that he couldn't use them. Every single weapon he had was made by himself in the forge. You admired his face once again. His hair was getting longer, and you thought he'd look very good with braids. His bright eyes looked at the gift with admiration, and your heart skipped a beat when he looked at you again. 

Before you could even think twice about it you grabbed his face and kissed him. At first he froze, you could feel his lashes touching your skin as he blinked a few times, before he kissed you back.

"You have to come back from England" you sighed against his lips when you broke the kiss, your eyes were wet now, and your heart beat so fast against your chest you feared he would hear it "Promise me you'll be back"

His tears wetted your dress, his head pressed against your chest as you caressed his hair, you closed your eyes and pressed your cheek against his head. Ivar's body shivered every time he sobbed, and you felt your eyes full of tears. You wished you could just take all of his pain and suffering. 

"I didn't mean to kill him" he whispered, and his ragged breath made your stomach clench "I swear, he... He was my brother" 

"I know" you frowned softly. You had also gasped in horror when the axe had sunk into Sigurd's chest. It was true you didn't get along with him, but his shocked face as he tried to approach Ivar with the axe was printed in your head. The words he had dedicated to his younger brother weren't nice, but he didn't deserve that death. 

"I feel so alone" he muttered "They don't believe me"

"You're not alone" you kissed his temple softly "Ivar, look at me" 

When he finally fixed his now reddened eyes on you, full of tears and widened with desperation, your fingers caressed his cheek. 

"You're not any of those things Sigurd said" you pressed your forehead against his, whispering. No one knew you were inside that tent, and no one could know. 

Ivar didn't reply. You had seen the way his brothers had looked at him during Sigurd's funeral, you had heard the whispers and the way people fell silent whenever Ivar approached. Your own father was wary of him now, and instead of saying he was a 'helpless cripple' , he now stated he was a dangerous man, unstable and temperamental. You understood everyone's fear, you had felt it too when you saw his face contorted in rage directed at his own brother, the confusion when he realised what he had done. 

For a moment you were scared. Scared of him and his temper. Ivar had never done anything to hurt you, he never hit you nor pushed you even when the two of you fought like you had seen other men do with their lovers when they were angry. He refused to train with you, afraid that he'd hurt you by accident. Because, even if you were strong and could fight as well as any man, he had maybe too much strength sometimes. But, what if you ever said something that angered him as much as Sigurd had? Would he throw an axe at you too? Would he scream and threaten you? Or would he hold himself because it was you? 

"He was always making fun of me, he laughed at me, he blamed me for everything, he hated me" Ivar clenched his jaw, and for a moment you saw the rage in his eyes again and shivered. 

"He didn't hate you" you pouted, and he shook his head, sitting up and getting away from you. His hair was dishevelled, longer than ever now. He didn't cut it since you said you'd like to braid it one day. 

"He did" his voice was broken and he sniffed, rubbing his face again "And everyone hates me now" he sighed "Floki is leaving, my brothers won't look at me in the face" 

"I'm still here" you nearly pouted. Sometimes it felt like he took you for granted, almost like everything you did for him was overlooked, he expected it already. 

But you weren't his wife yet, you were still fighting your own family to marry him, and sometimes you wondered if he'd do the same for you. 

Ivar drank an entire jar of mead before laying back down, his face red and his eyes puffy from crying. You sighed and hugged him again, this time leaning your head on his chest and letting his heartbeat calm you again. 

"Sleep, you haven't slept in days" you whispered, and Ivar nodded slowly. 

"Will you stay?" 

You muttered a small 'yes' as he put the furs over the two of you. You would always stay, until he stopped asking. Even if you had to deal with the whispers and the glares of your family the morning after. Ivar would need to prove himself better than a couple of good strategies in battle to gain your father's favour and your hand. Even if you couldn't care less. 

Ivar's lips touched your temple softly, silently thanking you for being there. And then he held you the entire night. 

Your hands nearly collided with his chest, your nails digging into his skin as you leant down to kiss his lips again. The furs the thralls had put on the Bishop's bed, which Ivar had claimed as soon as he entered York, felt soft and warm against your naked skin as his calloused hands, scarred from years of holding weapons and crawling, caressed your waist, the curve of your ass and your thighs that rested at each side of his hips. Ivar groaned when he felt your breasts pressed against his chest and he bit your lower lip, drawing a bit of blood that made him moan. 

He still tasted like blood, battle and death. You had seen him, screaming at the top of his lungs to a crowd of terrified Saxons, even if you were scared because any of them could hurt him. No one dared to approach him, they widened their eyes in fear and the men in his own army whispered in admiration. Finally, all of them saw what you had seen in him since the first day. 

And later, as you washed the blood off of him, he had kissed you for the first time in days. You were afraid that he had forgotten about you, that he was too busy conquering York and fighting the new Saxon king, but as he muttered just how much he missed you and took your clothes off, forgetting the bath you were preparing for him, you realized you had been stupid. He could never forget about you. 

Ivar's fingers worked wonders, and you couldn't keep quiet even if you tried by the time you made it to the bed. You fought to take his clothes off but could only get him shirtless before he got maybe too impatient, and grabbed your wrists to pull you into his lap, as he always did during the feasts. Your father had resigned a long time ago, but since he conquered York he seemed much more keen on letting you marry him. You had even heard him talking about how Ivar had the mind and the spirit to conquer all of Northumbria if he ever wanted, but you knew he wasn't interested in Northumbria, at least not yet. 

"Come closer" Ivar muttered, pulling you up with his hands on your thighs "Hvitserk told me something he did with a shieldmaiden a few days ago..." he barely finished.

"What?" you raised an eyebrow, holding back a laugh. 

"Your knees on both sides of my head" he ordered, his lips curving on a smile. You gulped, suddenly feeling shy as you obeyed, crawling over him and looking away. Ivar's eyes shone with anticipation, and you gasped when he licked his lips before looking up at you.

"Don't hover, sit" he frowned, grabbing your hips to pull you down. You yelped and put your hand on the wall behind the bed, trying to keep your body still as you moaned when his lips touched your sex softly. 

"Ivar, what...?"

"Shh" his teeth dig on your inner thigh and your legs started trembling, still caged inside his strong arms.

"You won't be able to breath" 

He rolled his eyes again, pulling you closer again. 

"I can think of worse ways to die" he shrugged, and bit your thigh again "I would be welcomed in Valhalla"

You couldn't reply, instead your nails scratched the stone wall as his lips kissed your sex again. Then he started using his tongue, and your eyes fluttered as your entire body trembled. You were almost ashamed of the sounds you were making, and hoped that the guards at the door didn't hear you. Ivar's hand grabbed your hips as the other one touched your entrance again. His icy eyes were fixed on you and you could feel his stare even with your eyes closed. 

When you came, you moved your hips against his lips and moaned his name loudly. Ivar didn't seem to care when your thighs clenched around his head. You felt dizzy and very sensitive when your orgasm ended, and had to lean on the wall to avoid falling over him. Ivar chuckled and kissed your inner thigh before you moved down to straddle his hips again. He wiped his mouth with his hand, a smirk on his lips and you nearly moaned again at the sight. 

"Wait" you gasped as he pushed his hips against yours "Please, I need a moment" you muttered with a giggle. 

He didn't answer, instead he sat on the bed, pressing his bare chest against yours as his lips captured yours. You could taste yourself in his lips, and you deepened the kiss sighing into his mouth. It felt nice to have a less intense moment with him, but it didn't last as he undid his laces and pressed his cock against your entrance. You were still sensitive, but let him thrust into you. The two of you moaned at the same time, but he didn't move again until you did. This time his eyes fluttered and his skin turned somewhat red, as he gasped every time you moved your hips. You pressed your forehead against his and you'd swear it was the most intimate moment the two of you had ever shared. Ivar moaned your name and you couldn't take your eyes off of him. You remembered his screams on the battlefield, the fear in his enemies' eyes, and before you could even realise, you came again, clenching your walls around him and making him groan and moan loudly. 

Trying to catch your breath, you laid down next to him. Immediately, ivar covered you with the furs, and you pressed your face against his shoulder, smiling softly. Ivar hummed and his arm sneaked around your waist to pull you closer. Giggling, you raised your head to look at him, frowning when you looked more closely at his injured eye. Your thumb caressed his cheek just under it. 

"It will heal" he whispered, shrugging it off "I'm more worried about my brothers and their plans" 

"Maybe next time don't risk your own life like that in battle" you scolded him softly.

Ivar rolled his eyes. 

"Ubbe will go to the English to make a deal" he clenched his jaw "He won't listen to me"

"Maybe peace is a good option" you sighed "I'm tired of war" 

"Peace is not an option" Ivar frowned "But once they fail, maybe they will realise I'm the only one able to lead this army properly" he muttered "I'll be king, Y/N, and you'll be my queen"

You smiled softly, but it didn't reach your eyes. Something in his tone seemed off. It unsettled you. 

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Your eyes followed his, turning your head, you confirmed it was her he was looking at. You had tried to shrug it off, to avoid thinking about it, about the two of them together. Every man desired other women, Ivar wasn't an exception. You also felt attracted to other people, but you didn't look at them like that, especially not in front of him. 

Because he would kill them. 

You wondered whether you should kill that slave too. Well, former slave. Apparently, Ivar had freed her, and now she wandered around the city, and every time she entered the room Ivar's eyes would follow her. 

He barely paid any attention to you for days, even when the two of you slept in the same bed. Just after your father agreed to your marriage with him. Were you only a prize he was fighting for, showing everyone he was worthy before tossing you away when he got what he wanted? You didn't dare to ask that question to yourself, but the dreaded answer haunted you for days. 

After dinner, Ivar retired. He didn't say any word to you or to Hvitserk who sat beside you and also seemed a bit fed up with his behaviour. Since Ubbe left, after their big fight, and when Hvitserk jumped ship to stay with his youngest brother, Ivar had been making all the plans by himself. He didn't ask for your opinion anymore, and he didn't discuss it with his own brother. 

"You saw it too, didn't you?" you asked Hvitserk a while later, when the two of you sat next to the church entrance in silence. You were glad he had stayed, you could always find peace with Hvitserk.

"The blonde slave?" he raised an eyebrow and shrugged "Don't take it personal, he's acting like an idiot with everyone" 

That was the problem, though. Ivar always treated you differently. 

"Do you think he...?"

Hvitserk shook his head, offering you a small smile. 

"I don't think he's sleeping with her, I think we'd know, I think he's just taking you for granted" 

"My father agreed" you muttered "He said he will let me marry Ivar"

"And do you want to?" he winked at you "You still have a son of Ragnar available if you decide to refuse" 

You laughed, for the first time in days. 

"I can't really compete with her, can I?" you muttered as the smile died on your lips. 

"You don't have to" Hvitserk hummed "My brother may be many things, but he's not stupid, he's not going to marry her over you. He might be obsessed, he might fuck her, but in the end she’s not you, Y/N”

You pouted, and Hvitserk smiled softly as he hugged you. 

“You’re a beautiful woman” he said “If you hadn’t been my friend from day one, and if my little brother wasn’t that obsessed with you, I would have gotten you into my bed already” he muttered against your hair, and you rolled your eyes as you pushed him away. 

“You suck at giving compliments to women, Hvitty”

“I didn’t hear any of them complaining” he shrugged, winking at you as he grabbed his horn to take a long sip again. 

You smiled softly watching him. He looked a bit lost those days, since Ubbe left. Ivar hadn’t been giving him a good time either. 

“Hvitserk” you called his name softly “How are you feeling?” 

He seemed to freeze at that moment. You smiled kindly at him as he frowned to himself, processing your question. 

“I’m… It’s the first time someone asked me that” he chuckled, shaking his head “I think I’m confused… I don’t know if that’s the right word, but I’m just trying to figure out whether I did the right thing or not by jumping ship… I just didn’t want to be Ubbe’s dog anymore, you know? I wanted to choose for the first time in my life, show everyone that I can make my own decisions and that I own my own fate. But maybe I fucked it up” 

“You didn’t” you caressed his hair “I’m proud of you. You are better than what Ubbe wanted you to be, and I know you love him the most out of all your brothers, so that means you were very brave… And I’m glad you stayed” you elbowed him with a giggle, and he smiled before looking back at you.

“Who would wipe your tears whenever Ivar upsets you if I didn’t stay?” he winked, and you groaned, rubbing your face. 

“It’s always the blonde slaves, right?” you sighed, looking up at the dark sky “First Margrethe, then this one”

“No, Y/N” Hvitserk giggled “My brother is the smartest person I’ve ever met, but that doesn’t mean he’s good with women, clearly” he rolled his eyes “It’s always you, even if neither of you can see it”.

The fireplace was lit, but the entire room still felt cold as you pushed the furs back and your feet touched the cold floor. If Ivar heard you approaching him from behind as he looked at some things he had found between the Bishop’s belongings. He did sigh when your arms hugged his body from behind, and his head rested against the backrest of the chair he occupied. Your lips touched his cheek softly, and his lips curved on a smile. 

“I thought you were mad at me” he muttered. 

“Did you do anything I should get angry about?” you asked softly, moving to his side so he could see you when he turned his head. 

“Maybe” he shrugged “You seemed very… Happy getting all close and cosy with my brother” he raised an eyebrow “I don’t know if you noticed anything besides that” 

“Oh, really?” you tilted your head with an innocent pout “Too bad I noticed you getting all close and cosy with a slave” 

“Hmm… Here it is” he chuckled “She’s not a slave anymore, though, I freed her” 

“So you could bed her with no regrets?” 

“If I wanted to bed her I would have done it already, my love” his arms circled your waist and pulled you into his lap, trapping you between the wooden table and his own body “Who is the one sharing my bed every single night, Y/N?” he took his dagger, one of the ones you had gifted him before his first journey to England. The sharp edge caressed your neck and the exposed skin of your cleavage, making you dizzy “Answer me”

“Me” you muttered, eyes already fluttering. 

“I didn’t hear you” he pressed the dagger against your skin, but not hard enough to draw any blood. Yet . 

“Me” you said, loud and clear. 

“I don’t like jealousy, Y/N” he clenched his jaw “And I don’t like you running to my brother’s side every single day”

“Then stop making me jealous” you leaned your body into his, still very aware of the knife pressing against you “You know exactly what you’re doing” 

Ivar smiled. A wicked smile that only promised bad things and that made you shiver in excitement. He grabbed your face, kissing you forcefully as you moaned against his lips. His arm pulled you closer and the dagger fell to the floor. Suddenly the light nightgown you wore for bed was too much, but before you could take it off slowly, teasing him to make him pay for angering you, he ripped it. The pieces of fabric fell around the chair floating like feathers, and it made you giggle, still sighing in pleasure when his hands caressed your now naked skin. 

“It looks like I’m not the only one jealous here” you muttered into his ear, kissing his neck softly, just under his earlobe. That spot always made him moan. 

“You’re in trouble” he growled into your neck, and bit your skin harshly. You yelped, and moaned when he shooted the pain with his lips and tongue “I was trying to make a decision here, an important one for the future of our people and my army” he frowned “And here you come to distract me”

“I was bored” you pouted “You always stay until late with all of those things as I’m in bed”

“Go sleep in Hvitserk’s bed if mine is that boring” 

“Don’t tempt me” you raised an eyebrow “Go look for the blonde slave if I distract you so much” 

Ivar’s lips curved on a smile and he hummed against your cheek, making you smile too. 

“You’re not letting that one go, are you? Not even when I have you, and not her, naked in my lap?”

“Just making sure” you kissed his lips again. 

“I really want to go to bed with you” he muttered, his eyes travelling down your body. You could feel his hard cock pressing against your sex, and you couldn’t help but move your hips a bit, until he hissed and grabbed your waist to keep you still “But I need to make decisions” 

“If you want to practice for when you’re a king” you raised an eyebrow “You better practice how to make heirs, because you will need them” 

“I know the process quite well already” he shrugged “Would your father be pleased if he knew we were practising how to make heirs before being married?” 

“Ivar, don’t talk about my father when I’m trying to have sex with you” 

That made him laugh, shaking his head as you shivered in cold, getting closer to his warm body even if his vest was still on your way. 

“But I really need to think about this, Y/N, I can’t think with you squirming in my lap” 

“You can think tomorrow” you muttered softly, your nose tracing the side of his neck slowly “Talk to Hvitserk, decide it together” 

“Hvitserk doesn’t know how to…”

“Ask him” you raised an eyebrow, pulling away to look at him “Trust me” 

“Fine” he rolled his eyes. 

“Now I’ll go back to bed” you informed him with an innocent smile “And I’ll wait for you for as long as I can until I fall asleep, but if I were you I’d be quick, because I’m a bit tired today” you kissed his forehead before getting off of him with a smile “Good night, my love, don’t think too much”

You made sure you swayed your hips a bit more as you walked back to the bed, hearing him cursing before the chair fell to the floor. You smirked when you heard the sound of his crutch against the stone floor. 

“It’s just water” you muttered with a sigh “You need to drink or you’ll die” 

The man stared at you with his lips pressed on a fine line, which made you uncomfortable. Everything about that man made you uncomfortable, actually, since Ivar decided to capture him and bring him back to Norway you had been observing him a bit more. You had seen him fight and cut down many people, and Ivar ordered you to stay out of his way during the second battle in York, but now he was a prisoner, and you felt bad when seeing the terrible state he was in. 

“Leave him, let him die if he wants to” Ivar shrugged from his seat on the boat “Maybe he wants to get reunited with his God” 

You saw the face of the Bishop contract in rage when Ivar mentioned his God. You had learnt a bit of English, and could understand most of the conversations they had had in the ship during your journey to Norway, but you still didn’t understand why he got so mad when Ivar talked of his God. 

“I promise it’s just water” you told him again, in a broken English “I wouldn’t try to poison you, Ivar would kill me” 

“Kill you or thank you, depends on the day” Hvitserk groaned from behind and you giggled. 

Finally, the prisoner opened his mouth. You helped him drink the fresh water and smiled gently at him when he was done. He nodded at you, and you accepted that would be the closest thing to a ‘thank you’ you would be getting, so you stood up and walked back to your seat next to Ivar’s. Leaning your head on the rail of the ship, you watched the fjord that led into Vestfold, King Harald’s city. 

“I’ve never been to Vestfold” you commented “My father came here sometimes to visit the king but I always stayed home”

Ivar hummed next to you. 

“I don’t think you missed much, to be honest, Kattegat’s fjord is way prettier” 

That made you laugh softly. 

“Ivar” you called his name after a few minutes of silence. He just turned his head to look at you and you sighed “Promise me you’ll be careful”

He rolled his eyes, but you pushed him softly to grab his attention again. 

“Harald is ambitious” you whispered “He wants the throne of Kattegat too, and he won’t give it up so easily, just be careful” 

“Harald might be ambitious” he put a lock of your hair out of your face softly “But I am smarter, I’m just using him to get what I want” he shrugged. 

“Don’t underestimate him” you raised an eyebrow “He’s not stupid, he knows you plan on being crowned king” 

Ivar sighed, rolling his eyes again with a small smile. 

“You never trust me”

“I do trust you!” you scoffed “I just know that sometimes you’re too clever for your own good” you smiled softly.

“I just need his men” he muttered, leaning his head against yours as he kept watching the city “To make you Queen of Kattegat”

That part, though, was left out during his negotiations with the King. You stayed outside, not being allowed to enter the Hall as they talked to King Harald about their plans. It was a surprise, to say the least, when you heard he agreed to their terms, but it unsettled you not knowing what Ivar had promised him. 

“Will Heahmund fight with you?” you asked that same night, sitting on the large bed in the quarters the king had offered you. 

“Is he Heahmund now?” Ivar raised an eyebrow at you “Should I worry?” 

You giggled as you watched him take off the braces. 

“I just like calling people by their names” 

“I still don’t know whether he will fight or not” Ivar clenched his jaw “He’s being stubborn, only talking about his God and his faith and how bad I am for not believing in his God” he rolled his eyes “He has a gift and won’t use it” 

He took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes and his entire face before laying on the bed, grunting and grabbing his left leg. You watched him carefully before laying next to him, facing his side. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I would give everything I have to be able to fight like him” he muttered, his eyes fixed on the ceiling “To be such a strong warrior, to be…” he interrupted himself, biting his own tongue and remembering he wasn’t alone. He trusted you, but some things should stay a secret. 

“You can fight too” you muttered, even though you weren’t sure he was listening “I’ve seen you”

“It’s not the same, you know what I’m talking about” he sighed, and his hand clenched around his leg. You nodded slowly. 

“It would be boring if the Gods gave the same gift to all of us” you frowned “There’s a lot of different gifts, and they all need each other to be successful, I think. For example, an army can have a hundred good warriors, men and women that could cut off thousands of enemies without failing… But they need someone to guide them, someone that can see what’s the best option to win the battle, to have some kind of advantage… That’s your gift” you smiled brightly at him “And you can also stop an entire army of Saxons while yelling covered in blood”

Ivar held back a chuckle and hummed. 

“You were impressed by that one, huh?” 

“What I mean, Ivar, and I know I say the same every time but I will keep repeating it until it gets into that pretty little head of yours” you grabbed his face to make him look at you “There’s many ways of being a warrior, of being strong, and you keep showing everyone everyday that you are as good as any other warrior. You keep showing me. The Gods kept you alive for something, Ivar”

His lips curved into a soft smile and he turned his head to kiss your hand. 

“Sometimes I think you’re a Goddess” he muttered “Sent by the Gods to save me” 

“Maybe I am” you smirked, giggling “Or maybe I’m just a woman who chose to stay by your side, because I fell in love with you” 

He was taken aback. It was true you had said those words before, but he never truly believed them. You said them laughing, kissing his cheek after a joke maybe, or half asleep after sex, maybe when you were apologizing after a fight or trying to convince him to do something. But you had never said it like that, he never thought someone could actually fall in love with him, be by his side willingly, without the norns dictating their fate. 

His mother loved him because he was her son, because giving birth to him was like fighting a battle against death and she felt the need to protect him. Floki loved him because he raised him, he shared all of his knowledge with him. Ragnar maybe loved Ivar because he saw a part of himself in him, and Ubbe had cared for him thinking it was his duty after their father left. Hvitserk jumped ship for himself, so he could feel in control of his own life for once. 

But you… You had no reason to stay by his side. You had no reason to stop him from jumping into the water that night you met. 

“What?” you smiled softly at his dumbfounded expression. Ivar frowned and cleared his throat, looking away from you and setting his gaze on the ceiling again. Your smile faded slowly.

“I don’t know” he shrugged “I still think it’s fate”

His arm stopped you. You turned to look into his narrowed eyes with your eyebrow raised. Hvitserk cleared his throat. The battle for Kattegat was about to begin, and you had no time to deal with Ivar’s protectiveness. 

“You heard me” he clenched his jaw “I said Hvitserk and some men, not you”

“And I said I’m going with him” you pressed your lips together. You didn’t like him ordering you around in public almost like you were his little puppet. Especially not when you were about to fight a battle. 

“And I forbid you go with him” he tilted his head and shot you a fake smile before turning serious again. 

“I want to fight” you tried to get off of the chariot again, much to his annoyance. 

“And I want you to stay here” he rolled his eyes “What part of you’re not going don’t you understand?”

“And what part of I’m a free woman and I do as I please, including fighting when I want to don't you understand, Ivar?”

He gritted his teeth, and you were sure he was about to order you got chained to his chariot when Hvitserk interrupted. 

“Let her fight, brother” he sighed “She’s a good warrior, we could use a good warrior, I’ll make sure nothing happens to her” 

“I can fight better than you, Hvitserk Ragnarsson” you scoffed. 

Ivar looked at you intensely again. 

“If Björn or Lagertha caught you they might…” he looked around, hoping no one was paying attention to him before finishing his sentence “Take you captive to make me surrender” 

“Then it’s a good thing that you won’t surrender even if that happens, right?” you raised an eyebrow “Trust me, Ivar, and focus on not getting killed yourself” you kissed his lips softly before jumping out of the chariot, nodding at Hvitserk. You didn’t turn around to look at him when you ran to the forest, after Hvitserk. You knew you could have stayed back with him and Queen Astrid, but you were there to fight, and that’s what you would do. 

“Stay close” Hvitserk muttered as soon as you walked into the trees “Don’t do anything stupid”

“I know how to fight, Hvitserk” you scoffed, annoyed at the way they kept forgetting you could beat every single one of them during your training. Except maybe Ivar. But that was because he knew how to distract you, and he had power over you. It was a good thing you weren’t fighting Ivar. 

“I know” he stopped for a moment to smile at you “But just in case”

Everything happened too quickly. When you finally realised you were being ambushed it was too late. You raised your shield and stayed next to Hvitserk as you saw the men falling around you with widened eyes. You didn’t even know from where those small arrows came, but you could barely avoid them until Hvitserk called for retreat. 

And suddenly he wasn’t by your side anymore. 

You yelled his name as someone grabbed him. They were strange, foreigners, dressed with dark clothes and with their faces painted, and you had to fight off at least three of them before you reached him. The man that tried to strangle him with a rope fell down as soon as you pushed him down, but he managed to turn around just in time to kick you in the stomach. 

It hurt more than you would have expected. You felt like you couldn’t breathe and tripped with yourself, falling on the ground with a gasp and tears in your eyes. And suddenly he was on top of you, and his knife got closer and closer. 

He missed. Or at least he didn’t sink the knife into your chest like he intended. You managed to move, just a little. But then you felt an intense pain on your shoulder before someone pushed him off of you. Maybe you screamed, but you weren’t sure because you couldn’t hear anything and your vision got blurry. Your belly hurt so much from his blow… Was it supposed to hurt that much? 

You heard Hvitserk yelling your name. And when you opened your eyes again he was looking at you, with a panicked expression. 

“Y/N, Y/N, come on” he sighed when you finally opened your eyes “Come on, can you walk? We have to get out of here” 

You managed to shake your head, and he nodded before picking you up. Your shoulder hurt whenever he moved, but you didn’t complain and instead buried your face into his neck. 

Ivar knew something bad was happening, but his heart nearly stopped when he saw Hvitserk carrying you. His eyes widened in horror and he had to hold himself back from crawling in his direction. 

“She’s alive” his brother nearly yelled when he was close enough, and Ivar let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding “But wounded, they stabbed her in the shoulder” 

Ivar could barely react as Hvitserk pulled you into his chariot. He frowned every time you moaned in pain, and he honestly didn't know what to do. A part of him wanted to hold and comfort you, but he also wanted to go out there to kill whoever had done that to you. And he also wanted to run away and take you as far from that battle as he could. 

When he raised his head again he saw King Harald running to him. And he knew they had lost. 

“We are lost” he nearly spat as he reached him. Ivar looked around, feeling more and more anxious. 

“Heahmund?” he asked when he couldn’t find him between the survivors. 

“That Christian is dead” Harald shook his head, and ordered the retreat. Ivar frowned. It couldn’t be. 

“Come on, Ivar” Hvitserk patted his shoulder “She’ll live but she needs a healer” 

Ivar only pressed his cheek against yours and nodded before snapping the reins of his chariot. He might have lost the battle, but he refused to lose you too. 

The first thing you saw when you opened your eyes was the blue of his eyes. It immediately calmed you down, and you could ignore the pain on your shoulder a bit easily as you muttered his name. His eyes closed then, and you felt his forehead pressing against yours. 

“Don’t ever do that again” he whispered “In your entire fucking life, don’t ever scare me like that again” 

“I’m fine” you managed to say, even if your mouth and throat felt dry. 

You barely remember getting into the boat. You only remembered a sharp pain in your shoulder, then burning, the feeling of Ivar’s lips against your temple and the warmth of his embrace. And blood, you remembered there was blood. 

But you weren’t on the boat anymore. You were in a bed, much more comfortable, and it took you a while until you realised you were back in Vestfold, not in Kattegat. 

And that meant you had lost. 

“Here” he said softly “Drink some water” 

The fresh liquid filling your mouth and falling down your throat felt like entering Valhalla. You licked your lips afterwards, sighing in relief. Ivar kept watching you closely as you frowned and looked at your bandaged shoulder. 

“Does it hurt too much?” he muttered, his eyes fixed on it as you laid back on the bed. 

“It’s tolerable” you tried to smile to comfort him, but he still had that tormented expression. 

“I don’t like to see you in pain” he stated, almost like he didn’t really want you to hear it. 

“I’ll be fine” you reassured him, grabbing his hand “What happened?” 

“We lost” he clenched his jaw “Heahmund fell, we had to retreat”

You let yourself mourn the christian prisoned for a moment. He was a good man, and you kind of liked him. Even if he seemed to despise you. 

“It’s not your fault” you sighed, squeezing his hand softly and offering him a sad smile “Harald approved the plan, no one knew…” 

“I should have thought about that” he shook his head “And I definitely shouldn’t have sent you out there” 

“It was my choice” you argued “It’s not your fault, Ivar, I chose to follow Hvitserk and I was wounded, it could happen to anyone” 

“Yes, but you’re not anyone , Y/N” he scowled at you “Did you know you were with child?” 

You froze, letting go of his hand to sit on the bed, ignoring the sharp pain that travelled down your arm. 

“What? That’s not possible, I…” you looked down, at your belly covered by furs. It couldn’t be…

“The healer said you were pregnant, and that something during your fight, a blow maybe, killed the child” Ivar looked down, his lower lip trembling “She said it was too soon, and that it might have been dead before the fight, but we’ll never know” 

Your hand covered your belly and your throat hurt when you gulped, your face contorting in a sob as you realised you hadn’t bled in a while. 

But you were so distracted with the war that you didn’t remember. Now it made sense why it hurt so much when that man kicked you. 

“You started bleeding when we got you into the boat” his voice sounded broken now “And I… I didn’t know what to do, Y/N, I haven’t been that scared in my entire life, I…” he let out a shaky breath and you shook your head with your vision blurred because of your tears “Please tell me you didn’t know, tell me you didn’t risk your and our child’s life knowingly” 

“I didn’t” you let out another sob, this time against his shoulder. Ivar hugged you tightly, his eyes closed to hold back the tears as you mourned your child together. The child you didn’t know you loved until that exact moment “I’m sorry, I’m… I didn’t know” 

“It’s not your fault” he muttered against your temple “But please never do it again. Next time just stay with me”

This time you just nodded, taking a deep breath against his neck. 

“It’s fine” he shook his head “You’re alive, that’s all that matters now” 

When you finally wiped your tears, suddenly feeling exhausted, you asked with a weak voice. 

“Hvitserk?” 

“He’s good, eating his fucking weight in food right now” Ivar rolled his eyes and you smiled softly “He stayed here for a while too, but he was hungry… He didn’t eat nor sleep until he was sure you’d wake up” 

“It wasn’t his fault” you muttered “He saved me” 

“I know” Ivar kissed your head again “I will thank him, someday”

Ivar didn’t let you fight the next time. You accepted without complaining, as you still couldn’t fight properly even if the wound of your shoulder was healing very quickly. You stood next to him as he watched the battle. A small smile on his lips as he played with the daggers you gave to him. Your eyes travelled around the battlefield, anxious. 

“Where 's Hvitserk?” you muttered. You had been following all his movements since the battle started, but now you had lost him.

“Down there, fighting his dearest brother” Ivar clenched his jaw, and you pressed your lips together in disapproval “I hope he survives”

“Ivar!” you yelled, gasping when you saw the knife pressed to Hvitserk’s neck, approaching them as quickly as you could “Leave him alone, what’s wrong with you?” 

Hvitserk looked into his brother’s eyes for a good moment, and you feared any of them would do something stupid. What was it with men and being so aggressive over nothing? 

“Sorry” Ivar finally dropped the knife “I’m anxious about the battle” 

You gasped in disbelief, shaking your head in disapproval. 

“You’re sorry?” Hvitserk narrowed his eyes at him. 

“Hvitserk…” 

“Yes, I’m sorry you jumped ship” Ivar spat “I know you regret it, and you shouldn’t have done it. It was a mistake. Isn’t that true, poor Hvitserk?” 

You looked at him with your lips parting slowly. Almost begging him to just ignore Ivar and leave. 

“Maybe sometimes”

You shook your head, refusing to listen to more of the stupid things they had to say. If any of them realised you left, they didn’t try to stop you. It was always the same. Ivar trying to pick up a fight with Hvitserk over nothing, almost like blaming him for something. You tried to make them stop, but they wouldn’t listen. Ivar never listened. 

“He’s your brother, Ivar”

“He’s a grown man” he shook his head “He chose to fight, he’ll be fine” 

Hvitserk knew you tried your best to make them stop fighting. He knew it hurt you to see them like that, and while you were recovering he avoided fighting Ivar for that same reason. No matter what he said, or how he said it, he just ignored him. But that day it was too much. 

The moment in which he jumped ship replayed into his mind constantly, he tried to see what he had done wrong, tried to picture his life staying in that boat and going back to Kattegat with Ubbe. Going back to bed with Margrethe, maybe finding someone to marry himself and fighting alongside his big brother, as he always thought he would. But something about that life repulsed him. The thought of being trapped in that role forever, always following Ubbe and Björn, not being relevant for anything, doing what he was told all the time, not being able to choose when and with whom he would be fighting. 

But, was it worth it? Was being under Ivar’s orders better than being the little faithful dog Ubbe wanted him to be? He didn’t have it in him, he couldn’t lead like Ivar did, he didn’t have his mind, his vision. But he didn’t want to lead anything that wasn’t his own future. 

He fought moved by the anger he felt. He cut down more people than he could count, let out a scream every time the blood splattered onto his face, there was some kind of relief every time he sank his sword into someone’s chest. Maybe he imagined Ivar a couple of times, until he came face to face with Ubbe. 

He stood there, knowing he wouldn’t be able to kill any of his brothers. Not yet at least, not even Ivar. He preferred death, and Odin’s golden Hall sounded much better than what awaited him in Midgard. He would drink mead and eat from Odin’s table. Then he’d fight, like he was doing now. But at least he wouldn’t fight any of his brothers. He wouldn’t have to choose. 

Ubbe yelled, and he yelled too, closing his eyes and waiting for the final blow to come. He’d welcome the Valkyries, he was ready. 

But it never came. When he opened his eyes again Ubbe was stepping back, fighting someone else. Valhalla would have to wait for him a bit more. 

“He doesn’t mean it, Hvitty” you sighed, almost desperately, as he walked next to you, away from Ivar “He loves you, you’re his brother, you’re the only family he has left”

“Stop justifying him, Y/N” he licked his lips, still furious because of Ivar’s words “He’s fucking crazy”

You stood silent then, until the point he almost considered apologising to you. You did everything in your power to help him deal with Ivar, and it wasn’t your fault. 

“He’s angry, he really wants to win this battle” 

“It has nothing to do with the battle, Y/N” he sighed. He understood your position, he even admired it, but sometimes it was like you didn’t want to see the truth “He has always been like that, just not with you. At least not yet”

You widened your eyes at him, and Hvitserk softened his expression. 

“What do you mean?” 

“He wants power, he wants to be feared and known, that’s the most important thing for him right now, the sooner you realise it, the better” 

“Ivar would never…”

“Ivar is out of control, Y/N” he sighed “I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s the truth” 

“I know what you mean, Hvitserk” you shook your head, pouting softly “I’ve seen it, but I think he just needs time” you muttered “He wants to be loved, not hated, and I’m trying my best to show him how much I love him” this time you looked down, hoping that both Hvitserk and you were wrong about this “Even if it never seems to be enough”.

“It’s time” Ivar smirked next to you, looking down at the enraged battle that was being fought. The men behind you screamed and laughed, excited for the battle to come, Ivar paced around leaning onto his crutch, and his cruel smile only grew wider before turning to you. You almost stepped back, somehow wary of him as he cupped your cheek with a softness no one there would have guessed and kissed you softly before muttering against your lips “Stay behind me” 

You nodded, not intending to leave his side, before he turned around again. And he threw his crutch to the ground. 

You watched him with your mouth parted and intimidated by the power he irradiated. You weren’t the only one feeling it, because the cries of war of the men around you increased. And he walked. Without a crutch, anything to support himself with, he walked before his men, and shouted, and gave them the last push they needed. Amazed, you watched all those men that probably had underestimated him at least once in their lives willing to fight for him now, cheering as he took step by step, limping softly, and giving the order for them to join the battle. And they did. 

“Maybe when the sun goes down you’ll be Queen of Kattegat” 

You didn’t turn your head around, but smiled as you finished braiding your hair for the battle, looking down. The sound of his crutch was closer and closer, until you could feel his presence just behind you.

“I’m still not married to you” you stated, shrugging “So I can’t be queen” 

“Hmm… That can be arranged” 

You giggled as his fingers traced your braided hair softly, almost like he was afraid of undoing them. 

“But even if I’d love to see you sitting by my side with a crown in your head, you know that’s not the main reason why I’m going to battle today” 

“I know” you grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 

“I need to avenge my mother” he said, sternly “I need to kill Lagertha, and I’m going to make it hurt as much as it hurt to have my mother taken away from me” 

“I was there when Aslaug died” you sighed “I mourned her too, she was like a mother to me too”

This time you turned your entire body to look at him. 

“So I will be by your side until the very end, Ivar” 

He smiled then, nodding slowly as you pressed your forehead against his.

“I know you will, little one” he muttered “You always are”

Then the arrows came. Like rain, they seemed to fall from the sky, and for a moment you feared they’d reach Ivar. His body acted like a shield between you and them, but none of the arrows reached him. He laughed and stood there proudly, almost defying the Gods. They struck some of the men around you, but never him. You couldn’t help but smile, knowing you were right from the beginning. Approaching him, you leaned your cheek on his shoulder, watching the scene under you maybe with renewed eyes, now understanding the power of the man you had by your side. A power given by the Gods that made him untouchable and unbeatable. Almost like he was one of them. 

Ivar gave the last order, and you could almost feel the desperation of the men in the battlefield as the Franks entered. 

And then they fled. They retired. The battle was over and you had won. 

“I promised you a crown” Ivar cupped your cheek again as the losing side ordered the retreat, and whispered as he fixed his eyes on yours “And I just won it for you”.

Chapter Text

Playlist (To listen as you read)

The ring was cold and wet around your finger. You looked at it and held back a smile as Ivar grabbed both your hands. His crutch was leant onto a tree not too far away from him, but he had ignored you every time you insisted on him sitting down or at least leaning onto it. 

“May the Gods bless this marriage, and may Freyja give you strong and healthy children” the priestess splashed the drops of blood onto your face, and you’d swear Ivar’s pupils dilated before staring intensely at you “And so I name you man and wife” 

He barely waited until she stopped talking to lean in and kiss you. People cheered around you, startling you as you had forgotten that you weren’t alone. That even your own father was present, handing you away to your husband. 

Husband. That word sounded better each time you said it. He kissed you deeply, biting your lower lip softly before smiling against your lips. The flower crown on your head wouldn’t take long to be replaced by an actual crown, even though you preferred the one you were already wearing. Turning around to face the crowd, you smiled brightly at Hvitserk, who smiled back as he clapped. At least he was feeling happy for you, or he was trying, which was more than enough for you. 

Your father hugged Ivar, patting his back with a proud smile on his face. Anyone would say that years earlier he was scandalised by your closeness to the youngest Ragnarsson when he swore loyalty to him over his sacred ring as soon as he was made king. 

Your father was already old, too tired of war and quarrels, but he had made the effort to travel to Kattegat to see you getting married, and you were more than happy to see him so close to Ivar now that he was your husband. Your king . 

The Great Hall was full of people during the feast. You lost count of how many times they raised their horns to cheer for you, and how many gifts they had left on the wooden table next to the main one at which you sat. King Harald was there too, now chatting with Hvitserk and with a strange expression on his face. Almost sad. 

It was true you had never trusted him completely, but you felt some kind of sympathy for him now that he had lost his brother, wife and unborn child at the same time. In the end he just wanted love, like every single man in that room, including the proud king that sat next to you and looked over the crowd with his eyes narrowed and a little smile. That was maybe what pushed you to invite him to sit down with you on the main table, and even if he spent most of the time talking strategy with Ivar, you liked to think he looked less tormented when he left the table. 

Ivar’s hand rested on your thigh, he kept drinking and drinking until you stopped him. You kind of needed him awake for later, you whispered into his ear, and he discarded his drink then, smiling as his eyes glistened. 

“Why wait until later?” he frowned, looking around “I don’t think nobody would notice if we disappeared now for a couple of…”

“I think they definitely would notice” you giggled, your nose almost touching his “Besides, we have the entire night. Don’t think you are getting too much sleep during my wedding night” you muttered into his ear, biting his earlobe with a smirk. 

“I have a kingdom to rule tomorrow, woman” he hissed, his hand squeezed your thigh. 

“Then you better stop drinking or the headache is going to kill you in the morning” you giggled, kissing his cheek lovingly. 

He didn’t seem to care that much about getting up early to start ruling that kingdom he loved so much when you finally ended up in bed. He groaned and moaned your name out loud, not caring about the guards or anyone close enough to hear him. He couldn’t care less. He even enjoyed it. 

Your mouth felt like Valhalla, he’d swear your lips were as soft as the velvety dresses he had gifted you, thinking more about himself when he imagined how easy it would be to take them off of you. His hands tangled on your hair and you moaned around him, making him almost whimper, needy. If being king meant having to leave that bed every single day to go listen to a string of complaints from other people he wasn’t sure if he wanted to keep being king for long. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. Grabbing your face, he pulled you up, turning around in bed so he could crawl between your legs, not wasting any more time to thrust into you. Your loud moan, the way your body seemed to adapt perfectly to his, made him close his eyes again and bury his face into your neck, breathing your scent every time he moved his hips against yours. He heard you whispering his name, and his eyelids fluttered open to look down at you. You looked at him with such intensity, with your lips parted as you gasped. That look in your eyes made him stop pounding into you like a mad man, setting for a slower pace so he could enjoy every single little sound you made. 

“I love you” you muttered against his lips. Ivar opened his mouth to say it back. He wanted to say those three words so bad, watch the smile growing on your face. But instead he leant in to kiss you again, hoping his actions would say what he couldn’t say with words. 

You felt your heart breaking when you saw the red stains on the white sheets. Your lower lip trembled as you stared at them, at the redness that covered your inner thighs and stained your nightgown. You had had a feeling, you had prayed to Freyja every single day and night, had raised your head to mutter a simple plea every time Ivar cuddled with you after making love. A child. That’s all you wanted. 

Maybe the Gods wanted to punish you for not taking care of the one they already gave to you, for choosing to fight before realising there was someone else you should take care of. But you had learnt your lesson. You trained much less, you ate properly, slept, took care of yourself just in case there was a baby growing inside you. But after every full moon you’d wake up with wetness between your legs and the blood staining everything. 

The tears fell down your cheeks silently as your eyes moved to the fireplace. You didn’t know what to do. You could see the disappointment in Ivar’s eyes every time you looked at him with a sad expression and shook your head. You could feel him growing cold towards you, there was a distance growing between the both of you, no matter how hard you tried to get closer to him again. You couldn’t stand it. What was what you did wrong?  

“My queen?” the shy thrall, a girl your age that had bright red hair and beautiful clear eyes, who loved to braid hair and collect flowers and whom Ivar thought would get along with you, was at the entrance of your chambers. Concern written all over her face, she informed you that breakfast was ready, and that the king had been absent since the sun went up. 

“Thank you, Frida” you muttered, wiping your tears before standing up, sparing a last glance at the red stains “Will you please bring new sheets for the bed? These will need to be washed” 

“Of course, my queen” she bowed her head obediently “Will you need help to wash yourself?” 

“No, I’ve got it” you forced a kind smile at her “And please, call me Y/N” 

You felt lonely enough, it would feel good to think you had at least one friend in there. 

She bowed one last time before disappearing in search of clean sheets. 

Ivar was nowhere to be found. After a very much needed walk around Kattegat, enjoying some fresh air after days locked inside the Great Hall, you had tried to find him, hoping he could at least take some time off his duties as king to dine with you. But he wasn’t next to the walls, nor in the forge or Hvitserk’s house, who was always out in the cabin taking care of Margrethe. You had searched the entire town at least twice, but there was no sight of him or his bodyguard. Until you finally spotted White Hair entering the Great Hall. It was early for him to be back at the Hall, but you entered anyway, smiling softly at the guards that bowed their heads when you walked past them. 

The throne was empty. Sighing tiredly, you walked to your chambers, thinking about maybe taking a bath to take your mind off of everything before you’d lose your mind. And then you heard his laugh. 

Ivar never laughed. Only with you sometimes, and with Hvitserk when the two of them weren’t trying to rip each other’s head off. But it had been a while since you heard Ivar laughing. And it made you frown as you reached the entrance to your bedroom. 

He was there indeed, drinking and with his eyes fixed on a petite blonde woman that was too familiar to you. She laughed too. Suddenly you felt like an intruder in your own home. 

“Y/N!” Ivar smiled up at you, raising his cup. You couldn’t tell whether he was surprised or not to see you there “Come in, do you remember Freydis?” 

You entered the room slowly, managing to nod once as she turned around to face you with a wide smile. 

“Queen Y/N” she bowed her head “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you”

Ivar stood up with a groan, getting closer to you to kiss your cheek once. 

“It’s nice to meet you too” you muttered, unable to tear your eyes off of her. She was beautiful, graceful, she had a sweetness in her that worried you. It worried you because you saw Ivar’s face while looking at her. That wasn’t the face of a man that only liked her, that would maybe like to bed her and then brag about it. It was the face of a man that was totally smitten by her, that desired her. And she seemed to know, because she shot him the prettiest smile you had ever seen and you’d swear Ivar purred when she approached the both of you. 

“It was delightful to spend time with you, my king” she bowed her head “I hope we have other chances to talk in the future” 

“Sure” he nodded sweetly, and not even the glance you sent his way made him stutter “I hope I see you again soon” 

She excused herself then, sparing you a last glance. You stood there, petrified, looking at the empty chairs they were occupying until now, and looked back at your husband, who had a smile on his lips and drank the last of his cup of mead. 

“What was that?” you asked with your voice weak and breakable. 

“What do you mean?” he frowned, clearing his throat as he left his now empty cup on the table. 

“What were you doing here with her?” you shook your head “Ivar, I’ve been looking for you since this morning, I needed to talk to you”

“I was just taking a break, my love” he shrugged “I’m tired” 

Something about that my love didn’t feel right.

“Can you rest while you eat with me? I really need to tell you something” 

“I already ate” he pointed at the empty plates on the small table. Two empty plates “I have many things to do, can’t it wait?” 

“I…” you sighed, refusing to cry in front of him “I’m bleeding again” 

His smile faded. Suddenly his expression and tone hardened. 

“I know” he shrugged “I saw it this morning when I woke up” 

You lowered your head, licking your lips nervously. 

“That’s what you wanted to tell me? That you’re still unable to give me a child?” 

His cold tone sent chills down your spine. The cold tears you tried so bad to hold fell down your cheeks, but he didn’t seem to care. He turned his back to you, and you stared at his back with desperation. 

“I’m trying” you muttered “I don’t know what else to do” 

“You can start by going to eat, and stop walking so much around Kattegat without a bodyguard, is dangerous, you’re not the daughter of an Earl anymore” 

“I’m bored here” you pointed at the room “I’m bored of sitting around waiting for you, I stopped training and going into the forest with Hvitserk, I… Why can’t you stay with me for a while?” 

“I already told you, I’m busy” he rolled his eyes before turning to face you again “We’ll talk later, when I come back” 

He just left, walked past you without even looking at you. And you sat down on the bed, covering your mouth to muffle your sobs. Maybe at any other time you would have slapped that scowl out of his face, you would have fought and yelled at him, because he had no right to treat you like that. But not that day. Not when you were feeling such a deep sadness that took away any other form of feeling. You couldn’t even be angry, just sad, empty, like someone had reached to rip a part of you, thrown it to the ground and kicked it.

The ring on your finger was heavier than ever. It also felt cold, even more cold than the first time you put it on, and it was like it tightened more and more around your finger. You remembered how happy you were during the wedding. During the feast. During the days after. So happy and cheerful you barely recognized yourself anymore. It hadn’t been that long since those days, had it? When did everything change? Was it after the third moon you bled? Before? You tried to recall how Ivar’s arms felt around you, how warm his chest was, how good it felt to hear his laugh against your temple, his soft kisses against your skin. But you could barely remember it, there was only cold and pain now. 

“My queen?” Frida muttered. You heard her steps getting closer to you, and you shook your head, unable to reply to her even if you really wanted to. A sigh, and then you felt her presence next to you. You let her embrace you, knowing she had probably heard everything. And let yourself weep and sob against her shoulder. She didn’t say a thing, probably because she knew that nothing would make you feel better. Maybe she had been as heartbroken as you once. 

“She’s pregnant” 

His words cut like a knife. You raised your head to look at him again, your face contorted in rage, wanting nothing more than to sink any dagger you could find into his neck. Ivar looked at you sternly, almost defying you to raise your voice at him, to question his decision to bring his… Mistress? Lover? you didn’t even know what he considered her anymore, in your home. With you. 

“You don’t think I’d kick out a woman pregnant with my child, do you?” he chuckled coldly “What kind of a man do you think I am?

“I’m not sure I’d call you a man right now” you spat “You fucked another woman, and now you want to bring her here so we can chat and giggle as you’re out there doing your king duties ? Do those duties include fucking other people, Ivar?” 

His jaw clenched and you could see his pupils growing darker with rage. Good . No amount of rage would equal what you were feeling in that moment. 

“Be careful with me, Y/N” he lowered his voice. He could threaten you all he wanted. You weren’t falling for it “Freydis is with child. With MY child!” he yelled “She will stay here, and that child will stay here whether you like it or not” 

“Then I’m leaving” 

Ivar’s bitter laugh echoed around the bedroom. It only infuriated you even more. 

“No you’re not” he stated, shrugging “You’re my wife” 

“Then start treating me as such!” you pushed him, barely moving him as you pointed a finger to his face “I gave everything to you, I sacrificed everything for you!”

“You didn’t give me a child” he whispered, his blue eyes boiled with rage and cruelty. He was trying to hurt you. In purpose. Exactly what he said he’d never do. The tears that fell from your eyes were warm now.

“You’re always talking about how nobody loves you, Ivar, but what about me? I was there every single day, every time you were alone, for the good and the bad things Ivar, I was there. And this is how you thank me, fucking someone else and bringing her into my home, pregnant with what she says it’s your child. I’m not crazy, Ivar, I gave everything to you and here I am, waiting patiently for you to spare me a simple glance when you’re bored, a mere kiss before going to sleep” you sobbed, trying to push him away once again, and failing “Hoping you have a fucking minute to stop and think about me! Have you ever thought about me? You always took me for granted, thought I’d always be here because I love you, but what if I left? I bet you wouldn’t even try to stop me, because you don’t care! You were everything to me, Ivar, now tell me, was I ever anything to you? I deserve to be loved too, I deserve to feel loved”

For a moment his expression softened. Almost like he remembered who he was shouting to. 

“This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Y/N” he sighed, shaking his head “Only that the Gods granted me a child with another woman. Maybe we’re just not fated to have children”

“Shut up about the stupid fate for once!” you groaned “You’re not listening to anything I’m saying, Ivar” 

“I’m listening” he rolled his eyes again “And you’re talking nonsense, Y/N” he chuckled “I wish you were more understanding”

“ More understanding? Want me to bring more furs so you and that woman can keep having sex in our bed? Want me to raise your child?”

“I already told you once, I don’t like jealousy” he lowered his voice again “And you won’t listen” 

“How would you feel if I brought here another man, Ivar?” you narrowed your eyes at him “Maybe I should  bed the next Earl you invite here, see if I can give a child to him” 

His fist clenched, but you kept staring at him with your head high. He might intimidate everyone with his yelling and his glares but not you. 

“You could try” he scoffed “I won’t stop you, but don’t cry when he dies” 

You took a deep breath, wiping your tears before he spoke again. 

“The Gods sent Freydis to me, to give me a child” he explained “Everything makes sense now, I’m descended from Odin, the Allfather, like my father before me, and yet everyone laughed at me, underestimated me because of my legs, because I was different. People either laughed or pitied me, the cripple” he spat that word with disgust, making you frown in confusion “I hated it. I hated the pain, the weakness, I hated everything about myself” he shook his head “But Freydis helped me to understand that the Gods didn’t curse me, but instead favor me. That I’m special, I’m one of them”

Your heart skipped a beat as you watched his face carefully, searching for a sign that would tell you that it was all a joke. That he was only laughing at you. 

“What are you saying now?”

“It makes sense, right? You always told me I was special, and not less than any other man”

“But I didn’t mean it like that” you sighed “Ivar, you are special, but you’re not a God, your legs don’t mean you’re a God”

His smile faded. 

“I am a God, Y/N, you know it, Freydis knows it, I know it” he shook his head “She’s carrying my child, the child of a God, who will also be blessed and will be the most divine child to walk on Midgard” he muttered, leaving you speechless as he tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear “And you, my dear wife, should feel grateful to be by my side, to be able to witness something so extraordinary” he deposited a soft kiss on your cheek as you froze, unable to even process the words that left his mouth “So, stop complaining”.

“He’s losing his mind” 

You looked to your side, to Hvitserk. He sat down next to you, his face also turned to the window. Another man taken from his home, from his family, the man that lived in the house in front of Hvitserk’s. You had seen him and his wife more than once, he was always in the market, selling eggs and chicken. You saw his wife weeping, hugging their sons. Apparently, he had been trying to find people that weren’t… Happy with the king’s actions. 

He wouldn’t be back. 

You didn’t answer, taking a sip from the bowl of warm soup Hvitserk had given you. He insisted you should eat more, but you couldn’t find your appetite. You were just tired all the time, you didn’t find joy in training, going for walks, enjoying a drink, the feasts, buying new fabrics and imagining the dresses you could make with it. Nothing, not even when the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, would bring you joy. The days were more and more dark, or so it seemed to you, and the months passed without you noticing. Suddenly, one day you just stepped out and it had snowed. Not even the snow, which would always put a smile on your face, seemed important now. 

“Y/N” Hvitserk’s voice interrupted your thoughts. You had stopped listening, hearing and watching anything again. It happened very often, and usually you’d stay like that for hours, just looking at nothing like you were asleep. It was much easier than being awake.

“Sorry” you muttered “Were you talking?” 

You were still looking at the window, so didn’t see him frowning and sighing. He really didn’t know what to do, he had even tried to talk to Ivar, but he wouldn’t listen. He didn’t listen to anyone.

“I said that” he took a deep breath, patiently “Maybe you should go away for a while, go visit your family”

You finally looked at him. After a few seconds, you shook your head, you didn’t want your family to see you like that. You didn't want to look at them and explain that everything was happening because of you, that it was your fault just because something was wrong with you and you couldn’t give Ivar the child he wanted. 

“I talked to the Seer” you said. Hvitserk raised his head again, interested. 

“And?” 

“He said my place is here” you sighed. In some way, it had relieved you, because that meant you wouldn’t have to leave Ivar just yet. Even if you were closer to giving up each day that passed, you still had hope to see just a glimpse of your Ivar. The Ivar you knew and loved. Not the cruel, cold tyrant in which he had turned “That the Gods want me here by his side”

Hvitserk wanted to scream at you, to say that the Gods could want whatever they wanted, but that you had to get out of there. Each day he saw Freydis’ belly grow with the baby she carried, and Ivar completely mesmerized by her. And then you, silent and looking lifeless. 

“You can’t keep going like this” he said, shaking his head. 

“Like what?” you frowned softly as you turned back to keep watching the window. 

“Look at you, you don’t eat, you barely sleep, you walk around like you were dead, Y/N, you’re terrified of Ivar and yet sleep beside him every single day” 

“It is what it is” you said calmly “The Gods decided it”

“You’re even starting to talk like him” 

“It’s my fate” you muttered, even if the mere idea terrified you. 

“It’s not” he argued “You should leave this place, leave him, it would be for the best” 

You didn’t reply. Again, he reached to take your hand, squeezing it softly. You seemed to relax a bit when you were able to lean your head onto his shoulder, and even if he wanted to keep insisting he didn’t do it. Instead, he stayed silent next to you. Maybe that’s all you needed, some peace. 

The door opened after a while. Hvitserk looked to his side to see Thora, entering the cabin with a shy smile and her arms full of food. Food she brought for him. He smiled brightly, and immediately stood up to welcome her, grabbing her face to kiss her lips softly. 

“Hello” he muttered, caressing her cheek before kissing her again. Thora giggled against his lips. She was the only one that kept him sane for all those months, as everything fell apart. 

“I brought some food, like I said, my father said he didn’t mind to share with you” she left the things on the table, before she turned to look at you. And her smile faded

“Queen Y/N” she bowed her head respectfully. You had turned around and looked at them with a curious expression, almost like it was the first time you saw them. 

“Hi Thora” you tried to force a smile, that looked more like a grimace.

“If I had known you were here…” 

“I was leaving already” you shrugged, standing up before any of them could stop you “I wouldn’t want to interrupt your night” 

Hvitserk sighed. 

“You don't interrupt, Y/N” he said softly “You can stay for as long as you want” 

But Thora’s nervous expression said differently. You had already stayed one night to sleep there, which only resulted in Ivar banging on the door in the middle of the night, demanding that you went back home. Or what was supposed to be home. 

She didn’t want to be near you. No one but Hvitserk did lately. Everyone, people that knew you since you were a child, would just lower their heads when you walked by, too scared. Your closeness to Ivar made you a threat for them now. A word from you and they could be dead. 

If only they knew Ivar hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said for a long time. 

You tried your best to be friends with Thora. You were happy for Hvitserk, especially after Margrethe’s death hit him hard, and even if it was difficult to see people being in love around you, you just wanted him to be happy. He deserved it more than anyone in that damned town. But she was scared, wary of you, and you couldn’t blame her.

“It’s better if I leave now, but thank you” you muttered, grabbing your cloak and putting it around your body. Hvitserk nodded, and you said goodbye to Thora with a nod. 

“Be careful, do you want me to walk you to the Hall?” Hvitserk opened the door, looking at you carefully. 

“No, I’ll be fine” you shrugged “Thanks, Hvitty, for everything” you hugged him tightly, taking a deep breath as he hugged you back “I’m happy for you” you whispered.

He kissed your temple softly before letting you go. And then watched as you walked away.

“Where’s Thora?” 

Ivar raised his head, startled and with his eyes widened, looking surprised at hearing your voice. He sat on the bed, fumbling with the braces but without paying attention to the task. 

“Hello to you too, my dear wife” he raised an eyebrow “Is there anything you need?” 

“I saw Thora coming out of the Hall, where is she?” your voice trembled, fearing the worst. You tried to follow her, but she was running and you lost her. And now you feared the worst. 

“You mean Hvitserk’s friend, right?” he shrugged “I don't know, I just wanted to get to know my new sister a bit better, you know” he chuckled “To make sure she’s not crazy like Margrethe” he pouted.

“Ivar” you sighed tiredly, letting yourself fall on the bed next to him “Please don’t do this” 

“I’m not doing anything” he raised his hands, shrugging innocently “Besides, from what I’ve heard, she wasn’t good to you, right? You tried to be her friend” 

“Hvitserk loves her” you shook your head “She has done nothing to you, she’s no threat to your claim, please leave her alone” 

Ivar’s smile faded. 

“My brother has been acting weird lately, Y/N” he muttered “And you’ve spent too much time with him, so tell me, is he plotting against me?” 

You frowned. Hvitserk wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell you about it if he planned to go against Ivar, but in any case… 

“He’s not, he just left because you ordered it, Ivar, what makes you think that?” 

“I don’t know” he clenched his jaw “Perhaps I should have killed him instead” 

Instinctively, you moved away from him, your lower lip trembling as the tears filled your eyes once again. It was hard to conceive your own eyes without tears anymore. 

“You don’t mean that” 

“You should go to eat” he muttered, ignoring you. Your entire body shrank when he kissed your cheek lovingly but coldly “Dinner is ready, and Freydis said she’d like to eat with you, she wants to discuss the name of the baby” 

You gulped, and looked into his eyes one last time, trying to find the warmth you used to see when you looked at him in the past. 

“Ivar I would do anything” you muttered “I’ll eat with her, I’ll raise your child, I’ll be good and help you in everything I can, but just leave Thora alone” you begged “Please, if there’s any part of you that still cares for me even if it’s just a bit, let her be” 

“Little one” he muttered, his cold fingers caressed your face “This has nothing to do with you” he shook his head “Don’t waste your time worrying about them, they’re just peasants” he chuckled “And I’m a God, you’re my wife, they’re not your problem” 

“Ivar…”

“Enough, Y/N” he shook his head “Freydis is waiting for you”

The yelling could be heard from outside the Hall. You nearly ran into the building with your heart bumping against your chest faster and faster. Something was happening, you had a really bad feeling. And Ivar was acting weird the day before. Every time he acted weird something bad happened. 

“Where’s my baby?!” Freydis shrieked from the main bedroom. Her cries were wrenching, you stood at the entrance, watching somewhat taken aback as you saw Ivar stare at her with fury, with his entire body tensed in rage. He had never looked at her like that. 

“What happened?” you asked with a weak voice, and Freydis looked relieved to see you. 

“My baby” she sobbed “My Baldur, where is he? Have you seen him?” her desperate eyes broke your heart as you thought of the baby. You hadn’t wanted to hold him, and instead went to Hvitserk’s now empty cabin to sleep. Away from the chaos of the main building. But even if your heart ached every single day, you couldn’t blame a newly born child. 

“No, not since yesterday” you muttered, looking this time at Ivar. His lips trembled and he looked like he was about to cry. He didn’t look at Freydis nor at you, not even when she started crying again. Approaching you this time, hiding her pretty face into your chest to sob. You hugged her slowly, still looking at him. 

“My poor baby” she choked with her own tears, and even if you had hated her fiercely for a long time, you couldn’t help but hug her tightly, closing your eyes and leaning your head against hers. 

“Come on” you muttered “Let’s go to eat something” you sighed, your entire body shaking now “We’ll send men to find him”

She nodded after a while, following you as you took her out into the main room. She looked devastated as you helped her seat on one of the chairs, making a sign to one of the slaves so they would bring her some drinks and food. 

“I’m not hungry”she pouted “I just want my child” 

“I know, but you just gave birth, and you need to recover some strength” you were surprised at how calmed your voice sounded. You were feeling everything but calmness “We’ll find Baldur”

Freydis stared at the wooden table. Her delicate features were still contorted in concern, but she still had that strange vibe around her that had caught Ivar’s attention from the beginning. It hadn’t surprised you, she was beautiful, sweet. Any man would have fallen. You had hated her at some point, hated those words she had whispered in Ivar’s ear, poisoning his mind, taking him away from you, driving him mad. But in that moment you didn’t see the snake the Seer warned you about, you only saw a vulnerable woman, mourning the loss of her child. Just like you had done once too. 

As soon as you laid next to Ivar, you noticed he had been crying. It was the first time that the two of you were in bed and awake at the same time for what it felt like a lifetime, as he always came to sleep when it was too late for you to stay awake, and left as soon as the sun rose. You didn’t say anything, instead faced him warily, taking a deep breath when he finally turned his head to look at you. 

“He was crippled” 

You didn’t say anything. He finally sobbed, covering his mouth to muffle the sounds. You had heard people talking about the strange deformity of the baby, but didn’t think too much about it. 

“I left him outside” 

His confession didn’t surprise you. You already knew, you had seen it in his eyes earlier. This time you reached to grab his hand softly. It was the first time you touched him voluntarily for a long time, and he looked as surprised as you.

“I couldn’t let that child live, Y/N” he muttered “I couldn’t condemn him to live everything I have lived, I can’t let him walk on such a cruel world” 

“He was a child” you muttered “He would have made it just like you did”

“No” he shook his head “He wouldn’t, I can’t let my own child live like that, I would rather see him dead, he was like me” he whispered, gulping and closing his eyes “He reminded me too much of myself” 

You leant on your elbow, getting closer to him with a lump in your throat now. 

“I’m not even sure he was mine after all” he scoffed, shaking his head “And even then I couldn’t let him suffer everything that I suffered, I couldn’t let him suffer all of that too” 

“Ivar…”

“My father did the same to me” he sobbed again, pressing your hand against his mouth “My father left me to die, and I should have died” he cried “I should have died, I shouldn’t be alive” 

“Hey, please, stop” you pressed your forehead against his temple “Ivar, don’t say that”

He shook his head, taking a deep breath. 

“I’m not a God, I’m just a cripple, Y/N” he whispered “Just like that child” 

You held him in your arms as he wept, just like you did with the woman that had ruined your marriage a few hours earlier. You wiped his tears, kissed his forehead and forgot all the suffering from all those months for a while, finally recognizing the old Ivar. Freydis made him believe he was divine, superior to all men, because the thought of being inferior, of not being enough, had haunted him since his birth. And because no matter how many times you repeated it, he didn’t fully believe he was as worthy as any other man, that his legs weren’t something to be ashamed of. 

You woke up when you felt his lips on your forehead. It had been a while since you were woken up like that, so it startled you. For a moment, it was like all that time had been a nightmare, that you were waking up next to your loving husband and that all the emptiness, the sadness and the darkness weren’t real. 

But they were definitely real. The aggravated expression on Ivar’s face said it all. 

“I didn’t realise what I was doing to you” he muttered as you stirred awake. He sat on the edge of the bed, next to you, his hand cupping your face. When your eyes fluttered open, your hand covered his. 

“What is happening, Ivar?” you sighed, looking at him with narrowed eyes. It was still dark outside. 

“Nothing, it’s still early” he whispered, shaking his head “I’m just making sure that Björn’s army is not going to attack again today”

You relaxed, nodding. In the last few days everything had changed. Ivar pushed Freydis away, and you could feel Ivar’s attempts to get closer to you, but you needed time. You were still hurting. Björn had attacked Kattegat alongside King Harald, Hvitserk and King Olaf, Ivar 's old ally. But Ivar stopped them. Nevertheless, he was still wary, knowing they could come back any time now. He was all alone, and you knew he was suffering, but it was the same you had gone through, and you were still going through it. 

“I wasn’t a good husband, was I?” he leant in to kiss your forehead again “I didn’t make you happy like I promised” 

You didn’t answer, kept looking at him with a sad smile. At least he had realized it. 

“I gave you a crown, I gave you dresses, jewelry… But maybe I forgot to give you the most important thing”

“I didn’t want a crown” you sighed “I wanted you, Ivar” 

“I know” he muttered “I’m sorry… I hope you can forgive me one day, my love” he kissed your cheek this time “I never wanted to hurt you, I said things, I did things… That I’m not proud of” he shook his head “But you were still here, by my side, you never left even when I pushed you away. I don’t deserve it” 

You gulped, biting your lip as you held back the tears. 

“You didn’t deserve it” you agreed “But I couldn’t leave” you sobbed “I can’t leave you” 

His breathing touched your lips before he kissed you for the first time in months. It was a soft kiss, he was almost shy, like he was expecting you to reject him at any time. But you couldn’t reject him. You were too weak now. 

He took a deep breath with his face buried in your neck. You just hugged his neck, trying to enjoy that moment as you were totally sure it was a dream. Ivar didn’t apologize. He didn’t ask for forgiveness or kissed you softly to wake you up. At least the Ivar you had seen lately didn’t. 

“I don’t know when it was the last time I told you” he muttered “But I care deeply for you, and I want you to remember that”

You frowned, cupping his head to make him look at you. 

“Why does this sound like a goodbye, Ivar? What is happening?” 

“It’s not a goodbye” he shook his head “I just wanted to let you know, because I feel I haven’t taken care or you lately”

“You haven’t” you nodded, agreeing “You ignored me, favoured a woman you had just met over me, you hurt me”

“Sorry” he said in a whisper “She poisoned my mind, she made me believe you weren’t what the Gods wanted for me, but how can you not? You’re still by my side even now”

“Stop thinking I’m with you because of the Gods” you pouted “I’m still here because I decided to stay here with you, because I know the real you, and I know you’re not a God, just a man whose life hasn’t been kind to him” your fingers traced his braids slowly, recalling the feeling of it under your touch “You don’t need to be a God to be a great man, Ivar” 

He didn’t reply, instead kissed your temple once again. 

“Go back to sleep, it’s too early” he repeated “I’ll wake you up if something happens, but rest for now” 

You nodded, still confused. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Nowhere, I’ll be right here” he muttered, tucking you in under the furs, making you sigh “Sleep, little one, don’t worry about me”.

Chapter Text

Playlist (To listen as you read)

Only a few days after Ivar left, someone knocked at your door. 

Your door, or the door of someone who probably fled from Kattegat and abandoned their house. It was a good house, far from the Hall, not too big, with a comfortable bed and some furs. You had used some of the money you still had to buy enough food to survive for a few weeks. After that, you would just improvise. 

You already know who was knocking before you opened the door. You had been expecting Björn for days, after they celebrated a trial against the soldiers loyal to Ivar that stayed in Kattegat. You kind of expected the same treatment, but they left you alone, and you didn't notice anything except some whispers and stares. A woman in the market spat at your feet when you walked past her, but you didn't really pay attention to her. You had bigger problems than the hatred of an older woman. 

"Hello, Y/N" he nodded with a sympathetic expression on his face "I hope I'm not disturbing you" 

You pressed your lips together, but shrugged and stared at him, hoping he'd just talk and leave. 

"I was glad to see you decided to stay" he smiled forcefully. You bit your tongue to avoid telling him that he knew very well that you hadn't had a choice. 

"What do you want?" you sighed.

Björn raised an eyebrow in surprise, and his lips curved on an amused smile.

"Just wanted to check on you, Y/N" he shrugged "Can I enter?" 

You nearly refused, but something in his expression told you that he wouldn't give up anytime soon. Stepping aside, you let him enter your small house and looked back at you with an impressed look. 

It wasn't much, definitely nothing compared to the big chambers you had had in the Great Hall, when you were still queen, but you preferred that to sleep under the same roof as them. 

"I wanted to ask you" he sat on one of the wooden chairs you had placed in front of the fireplace, ignoring your irritated stare. You walked to the fire, where you cooked a soup with some vegetables for supper. You weren't going to invite him, though "Your plans for now on, now that Ivar has fled" 

"My plans?" you clenched your jaw "Survive this winter, and then get on a boat and leave" 

"You know you are welcome to stay" he said softly with a sympathetic smile. You hated the condescendence with which he always referred to you "You're not to blame for Ivar's atrocities" 

No, but you still didn't allow me to leave. 

"I could have stopped him" you shrugged, maybe trying to get under his skin. The battle for Kattegat had lasted days, and Ivar had repelled Björn and Harald's forces easily, which you knew wouldn't have had a chance without Freydis' betrayal. Björn might have been a good leader, but Ivar was smarter and you had learnt that most of the time the brain was a better weapon than the sword. 

"No you couldn't" he shrugged "I know you tried, Hvitserk told me"

You sighed. You had tried to stop being angry at Hvitserk for days, but you just couldn't forgive him. Not yet at least. Maybe it was selfish, but you didn't care. 

"My brother was hard to control, especially when given any kind of power" Björn shrugged "My father once told me that power is dangerous, it attracts the worst and corrupts the best" he fixed his icy eyes on you, they were also blue but not as intense as Ivar's "I'm not sure which one was Ivar's case, but still" 

"Don't talk to me like I don't know him, I know him better than any of you, better than you ever will" you glared at him from your seat next to the fire "And like he was dead. He's not dead"

"Y/N" his expression softened again, and he looked almost trying to comfort you "I know it's hard, but Ivar can't survive out there all alone, he's..."

"Don't say that word" you jumped from your seat "Don't call him that, Björn" 

"I'm just saying he's probably never coming back, Y/N, I didn't even send people looking for him, he's dead" 

"He's not" you scoffed "I know he's not. That's the difference between you and I, Björn, you only saw a weak child when you looked at him, you never thought he'd be a real viking, like your father, like Ubbe, Sigurd, everyone, but I saw him, I saw the strongest man I've ever seen, and I know that if someone can survive out there all alone that's him" 

"I never thought Ivar was less than me or any of my brothers" he said, calmly "I admired him, but he's not a good man, Y/N, he was a tyrant, he lost his mind, he wasn't a good ruler" 

You rolled your eyes, turning around to try and calm yourself down. The tears filled your eyes again. It seemed that everything you did those days was crying, missing him, fearing for him. No matter how many times he had broken your heart or how mad you were at him before the battle, you felt like he took a part of you when he left Kattegat. The mere thought of Ivar dead made your stomach turn. 

"He cheated on you, lied to you, treated you badly, he left, he abandoned you" Björn's voice was more stern now. 

"I know what he did" you wiped the tears that started falling down your cheeks with the back of your hand "I was there, I suffered all of that, I don't need you to come here and explain all the things Ivar did wrong because I witnessed them, I'm not stupid, I'm not the stupid little girl all of you think I am, I don't want nor need your pity" 

As you took a deep breath, you heard him standing up and approaching you. 

"No one thinks that" he muttered "I know you've gone through a rough time, I just want to help you" 

"No" you turned to face him, not caring if he saw your tears anymore. You had hidden your tears for too long now "You just want me as a hostage, because in case Ivar is still out there he will try to take Kattegat back, you need something to stop him" you smiled sadly "I'm afraid he doesn't care, so you have nothing"

Maybe the sadness in Björn's eyes when he discovered Freydis' dead body was actually because he knew she was his only option. Ivar was obsessed with her, not you. 

He stood silent for a few minutes, as you wiped the tears again and tried to calm yourself down. 

"That's not why I'm here, Y/N" he insisted "We care about you, Hvitserk cares about you, Ubbe cares about you, you were part of our family" the small smile on his lips confused you "And Ivar cared, or cares, if he's still alive, I know it, I knew my little brother much better than you think" 

"I'm not sure I care anymore" you cleared your throat. 

"I also need to know" he frowned softly "If you're pregnant" 

You froze, turning your head to look at him completely taken aback. It made sense, though, as the prospect of Ivar having an heir could be threatening for his claim. 

"And what if I am?" you licked your lips, already dry from crying so much "Would you kill my baby too?" 

You knew you were being unfair. Björn hadn't killed Ivar, but he had made him flee, and for you it was very similar. 

"I would never do that" he shook his head "But if you are, I would help you as much as I can, we could help you to raise him, but we need to know... And in case you decided to leave the child would stay here"

You didn't know what was more cruel, killing a baby or taking him away from his mother. 

"I'm not pregnant" you muttered, shrugging. That was another one of your heartbreaks, not being able to give Ivar a child. Maybe if you had been pregnant at least once he wouldn't have been so obsessed with Freydis, maybe he would have taken you with him when he left. 

Björn took a deep breath with... Relief ? 

"Alright" he nodded "But you're still invited to stay with us" 

"I don't want to be with you" you scowled, and you had the feeling he knew exactly what you meant. 

You wanted to be with him . You were willing to forgive him, to ignore all the pain he had caused you because the pain of being without him was much worse. If only he forgave you for all those things you did wrong, like not giving him an heir. 

"We'll give you all the space you need" Björn nodded "But we'll be there too, if you ever need us, no one is mad at you and no one blames you, Hvitserk is worried about you and we all understand your situation" 

"Stop" you covered your ears. His compassion and his understanding tone were driving you mad "Shut up, Björn, why are you being nice to me? Why are you so caring? You barely know me"

"Because I feel bad for you" he looked amused by your reaction "Would you prefer if I put guards on your door and treated you like a hostage? Send word to your father and tell him to pay a ransom for you? Kill you and spread the word so it reaches Ivar, if he's still alive, and when he comes back I can kill him too?" he raised an eyebrow. 

You rolled your eyes and turned your back to him again. 

"I'm just being nice to you because Hvitserk told us you did all you could to make Ivar change his mind, and that you stopped him from doing even worse things" he said softly "And I do know you, and I know your family, your father was always close to mine, I don't have anything against you" 

You looked down. You felt lost, hopeless, you were always angry and sad, with your eyes always wet and missing your Ivar for more than you could remember. Your Ivar, not the man that you had been sharing a bed with for the last months, that lost his mind and wouldn't listen to anyone. You missed his eyes, how it felt when he looked at you, the touch of his fingers, his lips and his skin on yours, his voice, listening to his heartbeat before falling asleep, braiding and unbraiding his hair, his laugh, how he pouted whenever he couldn't understand something, his muttering when he was drunk, the sound of his crutches approaching you, the feeling of his armor pressing against the soft material of the expensive dresses he bought for you, the tales of the Gods he'd whisper in your ear late at night. You missed all of him, and it felt like the Gods had taken him from your arms to punish you for something you didn't know you had done. 

"Thank you" you managed to say to Björn, who looked surprised "I appreciate it"

You'd probably feel like that for a long time, but taking it all on someone else wasn't going to make it better. 

He nodded, visibly confused by your reply. 

"It's nothing" he shrugged. 

None of them would ever understand how lost you felt, you were sure of that, but initiating a war with them wouldn't change a thing. You would still be all alone and left behind. 

"Tell Hvitserk" you managed to say as he turned around to open the door again "That I'm sorry about Thora, and that I tried to stop him"

Björn looked at you for a moment, then he smiled and nodded. 

"I will"

You found him lying in front of your door as you came home. At first you didn't recognize him, but as you got closer your eyes widened in realisation. He wasn't himself, but instead a shaky and trembling man that could barely keep his eyes open. You heard his whimpers, he called your name and muttered something. As you kneeled next to him he was startled, almost scared. 

"Hvitserk" you gasped and covered your mouth in horror. You had heard he was acting differently. People in town talked about him drinking a lot, but this ... This was nothing you could have ever imagined.

"Y/N" he managed to call your name again, and this time he sounded almost desperate. 

"What...? What happened to you, Hvitty?" you caressed his hair softly. His eyes were red and puffy, his face pale and his lips dry, but what alarmed you the most was the way he was looking everywhere, almost like he couldn't focus on anything around him. 

Hvitserk muttered something else again, and this time he started coughing. You finally reacted, grabbing his arm to help him stand up. Even if he was too heavy for you, you managed to take him to the Great Hall. You knew Björn was out of Kattegat, trying to free King Harald, but you nearly preferred it. Ubbe was ruling in his place, and he loved Hvitserk, didn't he? He would help. 

You could barely breathe when one of the soldiers at the Hall helped you. Queen Gunnhild was there, and she looked at Hvitserk with a worried expression that made you wonder whether that wasn't the first time she saw him in that state. 

"He asked about you" she explained when you helped him sit at the table "He always asks about you, this time I couldn't stop him"

You raised your head to look at her quickly before focusing on him again. 

"Has he been like this for long?" 

"Since the battle" she explained, and your stomach turned. Björn had said Hvitserk was worried about you, and you immediately felt terrible for not reaching up to him earlier "He... Gets drunk frequently, and also eats..." she sighed "We don't really know what to do anymore" 

Hvitserk fixed his eyes now on the nearest fireplace. You'd swear he wasn't even listening. 

"I found him at my door" you muttered. 

"He keeps talking about Ivar and about you" she nodded "And about a girl..." 

"Thora" you nodded. 

The queen pressed her lips together and then smiled sadly. 

"I'm afraid we haven't been introduced, I'm Gunnhild" 

You tried your best to smile back at her.

"My name is Y/N" you nodded respectfully.

"I'll ask the thralls to bring some food for Hvitserk" she glanced one last time to the trembling man on the chair next to you, and disappeared on her way to the kitchens. You realized she was giving you some time alone with him, so you immediately turned to him and touched his face softly, making him look at you. 

"Hvitty" you said as gently as you could. His eyes finally focused on your face and finally his eyes widened in recognition "What's wrong?"

"Ivar" his voice was shaking, and he had a panicked expression when he spoke his name. You couldn't blame him, you hadn't been able to say his name out loud without whimpering afterwards "He's... Out there"

You frowned, confused. Was he scared of Ivar? He had motives, but Hvitserk had never been afraid of Ivar. Not even when he had threatened him directly.

"Hvitserk, he's not here" you whispered "It's just you and me" 

"He's here, Y/N. He's everywhere" he shook his head "He looks at me, he wants to kill me, just like he killed her" 

"Hey" you were starting to get scared, his eyes looked at every corner of the room "Please, calm down, you drank too much, it's just that" you grabbed his face "No one is here, he might even be dead" 

It hurt you to say those words, but he was terrified and you needed to calm him down. 

"No, Ivar is not dead" he said, more firmly "You know it, you know he's alive" his eyes fixed on yours. He was right, you could feel he was alive, in ways you couldn't explain. 

Finally, you nodded. And Hvitserk seemed to take a deep breath then, almost relieved. 

"The queen is with child" he muttered "Björn's child"

You nodded slowly. You had heard it a few days ago when you were walking around the market. The news made your heart shrunk, but you had tried to ignore it. 

"I always wanted a child" Hvitserk sobbed, still trembling "I know you did, too. I saw how sad you were every time Freydis walked into the room when she was pregnant... I saw your sad face every time you asked the thralls to change the sheets because you had bled" your lower lip started trembling at his words and you looked away, suddenly feeling a familiar ache in your chest "You wanted a child and I ruined it, I ruined your life, just like I ruined Thora's"

"You didn't" you leaned your head on his shoulder "Hvitserk, you didn't, you just did what you thought was right, I don't blame you, it's not your fault" you hugged him, sighing. 

"You hate me" 

"I don't" kissing his cheek, you kept hugging him, even if he was still between your arms "I truly don't Hvitty, I'm sorry if I made you think that, but you're the only family I have left" you muttered "Please, I don't want to lose you too" 

Ivar looked to the glistening snowflakes that fell silently at the other side of the window. Everyone slept, but for some reason he couldn't. The arrival of Oleg's new wife had stirred some memories. Not only about Freydis, whom she resembled too much, but also about you. He regretted leaving you in Kattegat every single day, but even if he almost woke you up to take you with him, he knew it wasn't wise to do so. While he knew for a fact that Björn wouldn't hurt you, especially if Hvitserk and Ubbe were with him, he didn't know what he would find out there. He was almost sure he'd die in his escape, and between leaving you without saying goodbye or risking your life, he chose the first option. 

Knowing it was the right thing to do didn't make it hurt less. 

It was then when he started to miss you. Your absence was deafening, during his journey along what they called the Silk Road he had thought about you every single moment. How much you would have loved to see all of those people, animals and objects they sold. Sometimes he thought he was hearing your laugh somewhere, and his heart would break when he realised he hadn't heard your laugh since way before he left you. 

Maybe he took you for granted, thinking you'd always be there even when he didn't deserve it, thinking you'd always forgive him. Because you loved him, right? 

You always said it, sometimes when you were about to fall asleep you'd mutter the words against his neck. How many times had he said it to you? He couldn't recall telling you that many times, only sometimes after making love, and now he regretted it. He wished he had told you now, but then again, what would he tell you? That he hadn't tried his best even though he promised it to you? That you were the only person that kept him stable, the only one that he didn't feel the need to impress because no matter how hard he tried, you would always see the real him?  He felt frustrated. 

His time as king with you by his side resembled more a nightmare than a memory. He had seen himself in Oleg, he had seen the cruelty others saw in him. Admitting to kill his wife, killing his brother with no remorse, treating his own nephew like a dog... Ivar didn't want to be that. But he had done even worse things, hadn't he? Hurting you was one of them. 

He also regretted killing Freydis. He had loved her too, or at least he thought he did. It was hard to know the difference between love and lust for him. She had been beautiful, perfect, especially when pregnant. But she had betrayed him. Even if they weren't married, she still promised many things to him, she swore she loved him. And suddenly he had two beautiful women by his side, he ruled Kattegat, he was powerful, everyone knew his name, he was going to have a child.

He'd like to be able to blame that loss on someone else. On his brother Hvitserk, who also betrayed him, on Freydis, on his own soldiers that weren't able to defend Kattegat. But the truth was that he was the only one to blame. He trusted the wrong person, and ignored the rest. Including you. 

"Ivar?" 

The soft voice startled him. He usually didn't let his guard down in Kiev, not trusting Oleg, but this time he had been too self-absorbed by his own thoughts and didn't hear Prince Igor's steps. 

The kid looked sleepy, he had a small frown on his face and looked cold as he turned his head to look at him.

"My prince?" he raised an eyebrow. Igor was now able to speak Norse, but Ivar preferred talking to him in his own language, so he would be more comfortable "Shouldn't you be in bed?" 

"I woke up and saw you here" he shrugged "Why aren't you in bed?" 

"I was just about to go back to bed" Ivar lied with a small smile "I was just thinking about someone that would have loved the snow like this" he pointed at the window. Igor tilted his head with interest. 

"Y/N?" 

To hear your name out loud, on someone else's lips, for the first time shocked him. Even with Igor's accent, the sound of your name made his heart skip a beat as your face reappeared in his mind. 

"How do you know Y/N?" he shook his head, trying to remember any conversation in which he had mentioned you. 

"You said her name a few times, when you were sleeping" Igor shrugged "Sometimes you talk in your sleep" 

It was true. You had said it a few times, but he never thought he'd say something coherent. 

"Who is Y/N?" the boy asked, curious. His big eyes were fixed on him, and Ivar fought the smile that threatened to curve his lips. 

"Y/N is a very special person" he said, sighing "Someone the Gods sent to me when I needed her the most, even if I didn't know at that time... She was also my wife, still is if she's not..." he couldn't finish. The mere thought of you being dead crushed his heart, he couldn't stand it. 

"Then why is she not with you?" Igor frowned again "Where is she?"

"I don't know" he shrugged. 

Igor pouted then. Ivar smiled, thinking about how much you'd love Igor if you knew him. He was such a special boy, and he saw himself developing a soft spot for him. Maybe it was because he recognized himself in him, maybe because the way he played music the first time he talked to him reminded him of Sigurd. But even if his interest in the boy was merely strategic at the beginning, now he felt the need to protect him. 

"Come on, let's go to bed" he winked at Igor, who nodded and stood up. Ivar couldn't hold back a chuckle when he saw the little prince crawling into bed. It warmed his heart. And he wondered if that's how being a father felt. 

"Y/N!" 

You had tried to ignore him, but he clearly wasn't giving up. Sighing loudly, you stopped walking down the beach. You did not have a destination in mind, but it was something you did at least once a day, walk around Kattegat, sometimes into the forest and around the beach, just to get away from everything. Turning around with what you hoped was a very annoyed expression, you looked at him.

"What do you want, Ubbe?" 

You hadn't talked that much to him, even when you spent a lot of time in the Great Hall to take care of Hvitserk, you barely talked to other people that weren't Gunnhild. And now Gunnhild wasn't in Kattegat. 

"I need to tell you something" he sighed when he finally reached you "I wasn't going to, but I suppose you'll find out sooner or later" 

You frowned. Immediately your thoughts went to Hvitserk, had something happened to him? Before you could ask, Ubbe shook his head. 

"It's about Ivar" 

You felt almost like someone had punched you in the face at the mention of his name. Only Hvitserk talked about him, and even if he was in your mind every single day and every single place in Kattegat seemed to scream his name at you whenever you walked by, the rest of them chose to ignore his existence. You were kind of thankful for that. 

"A party we sent to the East came to inform us of something" he explained "They said the Rus mentioned that Prince Oleg had a very important guest in his palace in Kiev. A viking king." 

Your jaw nearly dropped. Apart from the wave of relief that hit you when you realised he was alive, you felt strange. Almost disappointed. 

Because he hadn't come back to look for you. 

"Ivar is with the Rus?" you asked, more to yourself than to him. You tried to remember everything you had been told about the Rus. 

"Yes" Ubbe sighed "He's there and I'm not surprised, to be honest, to hear that he's alive" he almost smiled then "But that means that he will probably come back here" 

You looked at him again, narrowing your eyes. 

"If he comes back" he continued "We'll fight him" 

"Of course" you shrugged "As you should" 

"Will you fight with us?" 

You licked your lips before answering.

"I don't fight anymore" you shrugged. 

"Not even for your own home?" Ubbe pressed his lips together in disapproval. 

"If I fight it's for myself" you raised an eyebrow "I fought for Ivar once too, but now it's just me, and I don't want to fight anymore" 

"Fine" he raised his hands "Do whatever you want, but remember we could use a shieldmaiden like you" 

"Does Hvitserk know? About Ivar" you asked, ignoring his disapproving stare. 

"Amma went to tell him" he shrugged "I figured it would be better" 

You looked away. You liked Amma. It was clear she cared about Hvitserk, but you weren't sure whether she understood him. 

"Anyway" Ubbe stepped back "Just wanted to tell you. If you change your mind, you know where you can find us" 

You watched him as he left, walking back to Kattegat. Ubbe would make a good king, you thought, better than Björn whose real desire was to travel to distant lands. 

Looking back to the empty beach, you resumed your walk, knowing this would be maybe a bit longer than usual. 

You had never seen Björn so angry. It scared you a bit, knowing there was nothing you could do and everything escaped your control. You felt guilty. If you had been with Hvitserk that night, maybe... 

He trembled between your arms. He felt terrible, you knew it, you hadn't left his side since they found the body. He confessed everything to you in a hushed voice, whimpering and shaking as his eyes looked everywhere. 

'I thought she was Ivar'

Björn yelled, screamed and threw things around. A part of you wanted to laugh, to remind him how he laughed at Ivar when he wanted revenge for his mother. When you stood there, watching as they burned Lagertha's body, you felt everyone's sadness, and even felt bad for her. But the only thing in your mind was Aslaug's funeral, when they burned her body without her sons present, without anyone by her side. You remember seeing her falling to the ground when Lagertha's arrow caught her, and you remember searching for any sign of regret in Lagertha's face as she struck down the woman that treated you like a daughter, finding nothing. You remembered Ivar's cries. How you had to hold him when he lost both his parents at the same time, when no one cared but him. No one mourned her like they mourned her killer. Maybe that's why you felt some satisfaction seeing Björn yell and cry. It was justice, after all. The Seer said she would be killed by a son of Ragnar, it was fate, the Gods' doing, and not even Lagertha could escape it. 

Even if you didn't feel sorry. Even if you wanted to smile and laugh at him, ask him how it felt when someone took what you loved from you, you now kneeled before him. Swallowing your pride and your satisfaction, to ask for forgiveness. 

Not for you. For Hvitserk. 

You had your eyes red from crying when you heard Hvitserk would be executed. Burned alive. If they took Hvitserk from you too... 

Björn's stern face intimidated you, but you still looked up and opened your mouth. 

"He wasn't himself" you took a deep breath "Please, he's your brother"

"I wouldn't be the first son of Ragnar that kills his own brother, would I?" his mockery tone infuriated you, but you closed your eyes to calm yourself down. 

"Please" you repeated "Hvitserk is not well, he's sick, he's..."

"He is a drug addict!" he screamed, making you flinch "He's pathetic, not worthy of carrying my father's name!"

Your fist clenched. 

"You didn't help him when I asked you to" you raised your voice "He lost control"

"I'm not his mother" he laughed bitterly "I owe nothing to him"

"He's your brother" you argued "And no, he doesn't have a mother, your own mother killed her" you raised an eyebrow "Remember?" 

His entire expression darkened. He walked to you, until you raised your head to meet his eye. You could hear gasps and whispers from the people present. 

"Are you saying my mother deserved to be killed by that piece of scum?" he whispered, leaning close to you with his eyes widened in rage. 

"Maybe" you didn't look away. You kept your eyes fixed in his, and waited. Maybe you just condemned yourself to death, but you couldn't care less. It felt good to finally say what you thought. 

Björn's face contorted in rage. He touched the handle of his sword, but seemed to change his mind and instead he yelled again. Men liked to yell when they were angry, sad or frustrated. And Björn was all of those things at the same time. 

"I kept you alive because I pitied you" he shook his head "I thought you were just a poor woman whose husband forgot, that you were defenceless and quiet, a good person that was charmed by my little brother" he clenched his jaw "But you're not. You're exactly like him, and I should have killed you and sent your head to that pathetic excuse of a husband you had" 

"You kept me alive because you're scared, Björn Ironside" you smirked softly, not letting his insults get to you "Because you know Ivar would be back to avenge my death, because you know he'd kill you. Because you can't beat him" 

"I beat him" he raised his eyebrow "I'm king of Kattegat. He's exiled somewhere in the East, too scared to come back here" 

"You didn't" you shook your head "He beat himself. With his own decisions and judgements. You just happened to be here too in the right moment" 

"You know nothing" he spat at your feet "You're still loyal to him when he threw you away like you were a dog" 

"I understand you're hurt" you shrugged "But killing Hvitserk won't bring your mother back"

"But there will be justice"

"Then Hvitserk was also doing justice to his own mother" 

Björn growled again, and his fist clenched almost like he wanted to hit you. He turned around, paced for a few minutes until he looked back at you. 

"Leave" he scowled at you "Don't ever step into this Hall for as long as I'm here or I will burn you alive next to you dear Hvitserk or worse, I will kick you out of this town forever" 

You rolled your eyes at him. Hoping that annoyed him a bit more before turning around and leaving the Hall. Hvitserk wouldn't die. You'd make sure of that. 

Chapter Text

Playlist (To listen as you read)

The cold barely let you move as you made your way through the snow.  You barely had clothes anymore, and getting out of Kattegat without being seen meant you couldn't take too many things with you at once. Including coats and furs. Besides, half of what you were carrying was for Hvitserk. 

You wanted to bring him home desperately. You knew he wouldn't survive for long in the forest during the winter. It was already shocking that he had survived until now. 

It had been a while since you left Kattegat. You walked as fast as you could trying to find him. He couldn't be too far, but you were starting to feel anxious as time passed and you didn't see him. You told him to stay close to the last place you saw him, to be careful and not get too deep into the forest, that you'd be back in a couple of days with food, water and furs. Björn had put guards on the house you were living in, so you had to leave using the back window in the middle of the night, exactly when he was getting married to his second wife, that petite blonde that seemed to have charmed him. What was with the Ragnarssons and the blonde slaves? You felt bad for Gunnhild, who became something close to a friend during your time there, and understood what she was feeling even if she was way better than you hiding it. You would have liked to talk to her, tell her that it was fine and that she was worth much more than that. But you didn't get the chance. 

A scream startled you. Immediately you yelled Hvitserk's name, only to cover your own mouth afterwards. If there was a fight you didn't really want to get involved. You knew how to fight but you only carried a dagger and a blunt knife with you, and as a woman all alone in a forest you weren't in a position of strength. 

Looking around, you walked carefully. Your heart thumped against your chest to the point it was almost the only thing you could hear. Please not Hvitserk. Not him. 

You saw the first body a few minutes later. It was a norseman, a warrior from Kattegat. You recognized his shield and frowned while looking around again. If Björn had sent men to kill Hvitserk it wouldn't make sense for those men to be dead in the snow. He was a good fighter but he was weak now, and had no weapons. 

You were getting close to the river now, and to the sea. You felt the air get more humid and bit your lip, fearing the worst. You couldn't see any other person than the dead bodies on the ground so you kept walking, paying attention to see if any of those people were him. 

That was probably your first mistake. 

A yell in a foreign language startled you. You gasped as you spotted some men, armed and with their swords pointing at you. Your second mistake was taking your dagger out, maybe thinking you would be able to fight at least a couple of them. They weren't from Kattegat nor any of the neighbouring kingdoms. But just when you opened your mouth to ask, you heard your name. 

"Y/N" 

It was a weak sound, almost vague, and you barely heard it. Turning your head, you were even more confused when you saw Hvitserk. Still trembling, looking like he was at the verge of death, but alive. And someone barked a command and suddenly no one was pointing at you anymore. 

"What are you doing here?" he looked confused as you practically ran to him, hugging him tightly. 

"I came to look for you" you smiled, the tears of relief already falling down your cheeks "I thought you were dead" you kissed his forehead with a sigh "What's going on, Hvitserk, who are these men?" 

His eyes fixed on yours. Then he licked his dry lips with an aggravated expression. And then you realised. 

You felt him before you could even turn to look at him. You heard his unmistakable steps, the sound of his crutch, before turning your head to finally look at him. 

He looked like a dream. For a moment you thought you had died of cold in your way. The eyes that haunted you for so long were fixed on you, and his lips parted to say your name softly. 

Ivar stared at you from the other side of the boat. You looked lost, scared and nervous, not letting anyone get close to you as you snuggled under the blankets they gave you. You had your head leant on the rail of the boat, like you always did during the long trips. That made him smile for a moment, before he realised the sadness in your eyes. 

You had barely talked, only to Hvitserk and almost shyly, so different from what he was used to with you. But at least you agreed to go back with them to Kiev. Ivar knew you did it mainly for Hvitserk, but he also knew you had no other choice. You couldn't go back to Kattegat, and staying in the forest would mean your death, so you got into the boat and snuggled as far away from him as you could, eyeing the men in the boat with distrust and nervousness. Ivar had ordered for them to leave you alone, at least for now. Just give her food, water and blankets and leave her be. 

While Hvitserk slept next to him, looking exhausted and almost completely lost, you refused to sleep, even if he could see your eyes flutter with tiredness sometimes. 

The presence of his brother next to him calmed him down, though, he could hear his deep breathing, and if he closed his eyes he could pretend they were still children and were in his chambers, after a rough night in which Hvitserk ended up falling asleep next to him as he told him the stories of the Gods that Floki and Björn had told him earlier. He knew how much he had missed you because it would hurt and burn every single day, but he hadn't realised how much he missed his brother and his home until then. He couldn't even be angry at Hvitserk, even if he was one of the reasons he lost his crown. 

For a long time Ivar thought he would be angry and even furious at Hvitserk when he saw him again, but he only felt happiness. It was such a strange feeling that it surprised him, but he felt the need to hug his brother, to tell him that everything would be well. He had no idea of what happened in Kattegat, but he wasn't going to leave either of you there. 

You had finally fallen asleep. The blanket had slipped a bit down your body and you looked cold, but it was the first time Ivar saw you relaxed since he found you, and the warmth on his chest spread even more. You looked as beautiful as ever, even more, but he missed your smile, your laugh and the brightness of your eyes every time you looked at him. He needed that back too. 

Still looking at you, he leant his head onto his brother's, smiling softly and silently thanking the Gods for putting the both of you in his way again. 

When you woke up, a few hours later, you had another two blankets over you, and someone had accommodated your head and your hair so your neck wouldn't hurt. 

Kiev was a strange place for you. You'd lie if you said you weren't captivated by it, by all the differences with Kattegat and from your own hometown. There was also snow, it was cold, but it was a different kind of cold. In any case, soon you were taken into a spacious room, with a bed, a lot of ornaments and so warm that you almost cried in relief. The bed looked the most comfortable thing you had ever laid your eyes on, but you spent as much time as you could next to the warm fireplace, before some servants entered the room, bowing at you before leaving a beautiful dress on the bed and then ran out of the room. You wanted to ask them what was that, and what were you supposed to do now, but they had already closed the door when you opened your mouth. They wouldn't have understood you anyway. 

The dress was pretty, simple but expensive, with golden thread embroidered into the soft fabric. It was also thick, made to protect you from the cold, and you spent a good time looking at every single detail. You were used to expensive dresses, fabrics Ivar would buy for you whenever a new merchant arrived at Kattegat. 

Ivar . 

Where was he? You hadn't even talked to him since you set foot on that boat. But after a few days you were starting to get used to his presence again. You couldn't focus whenever he was near you, but he hadn't made a move to approach you yet. In any case, you hoped he would at least explain what was going on to you when you arrived in Kiev. 

The servants came back, this time they brought a bathtub. You kind of relaxed when you saw them preparing the bath without saying a word and let them help to undress you, still sore from the long journey. You muttered a 'thank you' when they were finished and helped you to put the dress on, and one of them smiled softly before pointing at the door. 

She guided you through the long hallway, until she stopped in front of a wooden door, knocking before opening. You hesitated before entering the room, but relaxed when you spotted Hvitserk, who now looked much better, on one of the couches. 

Ivar sat down next to him. The both of them were looking at you now, which made you feel somehow uncomfortable in those foreign clothes and with your hair still wet from the bath. 

"Y/N" Ivar's soft voice startled you "I thought you'd like to eat something" 

He pointed at the table in front of them, full of food that made your mouth water. Nodding slowly, you sat down in the only empty chair. In front of a child that only then caught your eye. 

"Y/N?" he repeated your name with a foreign accent. You tilted your head but your expression softened, he looked excited.

"Hello" you smiled at him. It was the first time you smiled in a while. "And who might you be?" 

"My name is Igor" he said in a perfect norse, which impressed you "I'm the prince, I own everything here, this palace, this food, this land and even the sky" he smiled proudly. It only widened your smile. 

"It's nice to meet you then, my prince" you bowed your head, amused. 

"Ivar talked about you" he watched as you reached to grab some food. Your smile faded, but you managed to hide it. 

You felt his eyes on you. For a moment you wanted to look back at him, but you knew that if you did that you would start crying, and you were too exhausted for that. 

"We were just talking" Hvitserk spoke then, interrupting your thoughts "About Björn" 

You sighed, eating some of the fruit you had picked before looking at him. 

"About what exactly?" 

"What happened after I left?" Hvitserk frowned "Why were you there, did he expel you from Kattegat too?" 

You shook your head. 

"He wanted to kill me" you shrugged "But he was happy locking me in my own home and putting guards all around it. I waited until his wedding to escape and go to the forest" you explained. 

"Wedding?" 

"Yes" you sighed "He took a blonde, slave girl as his second wife"

You felt Ivar shifting on his seat, and Hvitserk looked amused. 

"I thought you were dead" you muttered "I kind of thought I would be soon" 

"Well, you're not" Ivar spoke again and this time you had to look at him "Neither of you are"

You looked into his eyes for a moment, but then he looked away and spoke again. 

"You'll meet Prince Oleg tomorrow" he announced "I told him you were my brother and my wife" you almost flinched "And that the two of you will support him when it's time to attack Kattegat"

"Attack Kattegat?" you raised an eyebrow at him. 

"Yes" he looked back at you and his expression softened "Of course, did you think I'd just give up what is mine without a fight?" 

This Hall was somewhat familiar. It held a similarity with the Viking Halls in which you'd grown up, but it was still different. You looked around, amazed by the beautiful carvings in the wood and the ways the light entered the room. You walked next to Ivar, and you finally spotted Prince Oleg. He was tall, or at least it looked like that as he sat on what you imagined was his throne. He wore an expensive-looking robe, similar to the ones you had been people wearing from the window of your bedroom. He had dark hair and his lips were curved on an enigmatical smirk. There was something about him that reminded you of Ivar immediately. At his feet, and caressing a very strange carpet made with the fur of a white bear, laid a woman. She was looking at you with interest, and something in her also reminded you of someone, but this time you couldn't exactly guess whom. She was beautiful, with long, black hair falling down her back and dressed in a beautiful dress. Her jewellery, her position, her clothes, everything screamed queen. You let out a sigh, not really knowing why. 

You had heard Ivar introducing you faintly, but it wasn't until someone called your name when you snapped back to reality. 

"Y/N" Prince Oleg seemed to relish in your name "Queen of Kattegat, am I wrong?" 

That title startled you. Blinking a couple of times you nodded slowly. 

"Prince Oleg" you bowed as graciously as your nerves allowed you. Ivar looked at you from the side of the room. His smile widened, but it wasn't a sweet smile, not at all. 

"I've been told you're a great fighter, too" he raised an eyebrow with interest "Here we're not used to see women fighting" 

"I am a shieldmaiden, yes" you held your head high "But it's been a while, my prince"

"Of course, you wouldn't fight next to the people that took your crown from you" he shook his head "But, if you, like Hvitserk, are willing to fight alongside me, I would give you everything you need to go back to train" 

You turned your head to look at him. Hvitserk smiled softly at you, almost reassuring you that everything would be fine. But something about that man unsettled you. 

"Sure, Prince Oleg" you bowed your head again "It would be my pleasure" 

He nodded, the smirk never leaving his face. 

"It's an honour for us" the woman said. Had Ivar mentioned her name before? Probably, yes, but you were too distracted to remember it "To have the both of you at our court, Hvitserk... And Y/N" her eyes fixed on you, and you forced yourself to smile "Ivar has told us a great deal about you"

She stood up and approached you, but her eyes fixed now on Ivar. He looked back at her, with an expression that you, unfortunately, knew very well. Your stomach clenched when you saw their interaction, as she kept speaking with a velvety voice. Was he smiling? You looked back at the prince, who looked amused. Was he blind? 

You looked at Hvitserk again, who looked at you almost like he was scared you'd say something. He didn't look too unpleased either when she touched his chest slowly, smiling beautifully to him. 

"I'm glad there's another woman around here, too" when she fixed her  blue eyes in you again you tensed up "I hope we can be friends, and I hope you enjoy the dresses I sent to your room"

You had to hold back the need to sigh. You knew exactly whom she reminded you of. 

"It was very kind of you, princess" you nodded slowly "Thank you" 

She looked pleased with that, and went back to her husband's side after looking at Ivar again. 

Later, when you finally entered your bedroom again having left Hvitserk in his, and with the distinctive sound of the crutches behind you, you turned to face him as soon as he closed the door. 

"What was that about?" you nearly yelled at him. Ivar looked at you almost like he wasn't expecting that kind of reaction "First you abandon me in Kattegat, then you rescue me in a fucking forest, bring me here, do not even talk to me for days and now introduce me to everyone as your wife"

"Y/N..." he sighed, but you scoffed at him. 

"Stop saying my name like that!" you groaned "Stop looking at me like you are a dog I just kicked, Ivar!" 

That made him raise an eyebrow, and you could see he was fighting a smile, which only enraged you more. 

"Lower your voice" he said softly, surprising you. Usually, every time you yelled at Ivar he'd yell louder "There's people here that understands us"

"Like your princess and her husband, for example? The weirdest people I've ever met?"

"My princess?" Ivar chuckled, shaking his head "So you're angry about that?" 

"I'm angry about many things, Boneless, don't let me get started" you glared at him as you paced around the room. 

"I didn't talk to you because I thought you didn't want to talk to me" he explained softly, his eyes following you "Hvitserk told me to give you some space"

"Yes, you're right, I didn't want to talk to you" you rolled your eyes "Because I'm still a bit bitter about the fact that you left me" you turned to face him again, and he frowned when he saw the tears in your eyes "You ran away like a coward and left me behind" 

"I didn't have a choice, Y/N'' he raised his voice now, and you took a shaky breath as you tried to regain some composure "What was I supposed to do? Take you out of bed and take you with me when I didn't know whether I'd live or not? What if you died with me?"

"I could have died in Kattegat too" you approached him with your lower lip trembling. 

"No" he shook his head "I knew you wouldn't, because I know my brothers, and neither Björn nor Ubbe would hurt you, and Hvitserk was with them too" 

You scoffed again, shaking your head. 

"I already told you" he softened his tone, sighing "I'm going to attack Kattegat, I was going to do that as soon as I could assemble an army to go back, but I couldn't do that alone. That would have only gotten the two of us killed" 

"Were you going to attack Kattegat because of me or because you wanted your crown back?" you asked, looking into his eyes, those eyes you had missed so much. 

"What do you think?" his free hand caught a lock of your hair, which he put behind your ear with a small smile.

"Do you really want to know what I think?" you muttered, the tears already falling down your cheeks "I was miserable for a long time, Ivar, even before you left, and you didn't even stop to look at me, you only cared about your power and Freydis" 

He looked down. At least he had the decency to look guilty. 

"That's not true" 

"How is that not true?" you let out a bitter laugh, shaking your head.

"I stopped to look at you before I left" his deep blue eyes were now drowned in tears, and even if you always hated seeing him cry, you couldn't help but feel a bit better "I stopped to think about you every single day since I left that damned town, and when I finally found you again I fought against every thought of holding you I had, because I wanted to give you time"

"I had plenty of time back there! And I came with you for Hvitserk, because I was worried about him, just to find you here all loved up with a woman that is married, just like you!" 

"Are you seriously acting like this because of Katia?" he rolled his eyes "I'm just following her, she's playing with me, can't you see it?" 

"The only thing I can see is that you men lose your mind over beautiful women, you're the living proof of that" you narrowed your eyes at him "Are you crazy? Her husband is fucking scary, Ivar, that man has an entire army and you're playing games with his wife?" 

He smiled at you, and for a moment you almost let your guard down. 

"So you're jealous and worried about me" he raised an eyebrow "It's way better than I expected" 

You opened and closed your mouth a few times before groaning and hitting his shoulder. 

"You're an idiot, Ivar Ragnarsson" 

"Hey" he grabbed your arm before you could get away from him "I was going to go back for you" he muttered, his eyes looking into yours again "I swear to you, Y/N, and if Björn had ever hurt you in any way I would have brought a thousand armies to his door, I would have burned every piece of land, I would have killed every single man, woman or child that stood in my way and I wouldn't regret a single drop of blood" he said sternly, making you lick your lips and blink in surprise "And don't you ever think otherwise" 

You had already closed your eyes when he captured your lips with his with a sigh. Like he was a thirsty man drinking water for the first time in days. You whimpered against his lips, and both your cheeks became wet because of your own tears. He was warm, he felt like home, you felt safe again, almost like you got your Ivar back. Suddenly your heart didn't hurt anymore. All that time you spent all alone in Kattegat was like a distant nightmare. 

"If I didn't take you with me was because I couldn't stand the thought of you dying" he muttered against your lips as the both of you caught your breath. He moved to kiss you again, but you moved away, already sobbing. 

"Wait..." you muttered "Please don't... I need..." you widened your eyes, unable to explain it to him. I can't forgive you yet. Ivar's lower lip trembled slightly and his eyes filled with tears again. 

"I'm sorry" he nodded "I shouldn't have..." clenching his jaw, he looked around the bedroom before turning around "If you need anything, please tell me" 

He cleared his throat and opened the door, leaving before you could have the chance to open your mouth.

It didn’t take long for that palace to start feeling like a prison. With Ivar and Hvitserk gone to Kattegat to fight with Prince Oleg, there wasn’t much to do inside the bedroom you had been given, and you couldn’t really talk to anyone as no one understood you. Igor had started teaching you some words in his language, with Ivar’s help, but he had also gone to Scandinavia with them and you were left alone. Sometimes, Princess Katia would invite you to join her in one of her baths outside of the city, but you always refused her and went by yourself when everyone had already left, not too excited about getting completely naked in front of strangers. 

The truth was that she had been friendly towards you. You didn’t expect such a good treatment coming from her, especially when she had been showing so much interest in Ivar, but she was always kind and sweet to you, which made the entire avoid her thing a bit harder. 

That day you had no excuse. And, to be honest, you were too bored in your room, so when one of her servants came to collect you, you said yes. 

They served a strange drink. It was warm water with herbs, she explained, and called it tea. You had never tried that before, but it was much better than you expected. 

“I was surprised when I was informed of your decision to stay here” she looked calm and relaxed, way far from how you were feeling “I thought you were a shieldmaiden” 

“I am” you nodded, warming your hands with the hot drink “Or I was, at least” you shrugged “I haven’t fought for some time, and I didn’t really want to go back to Kattegat for now” 

She hummed, nodding with a smile on her lips. 

“It’s good to have you here, we also need good warriors here to defend the city” she giggled “But I understand, war is not a pretty sight”

You agreed silently, taking another sip. 

“Ivar was really worried about you” she continued speaking, but this time you tensed up “He talked about how hard was to leave you there, not knowing whether he’d see you again” she smiled softly “I know for a fact that he spoke to my husband, asked him to let you remain here if you wanted. He cares deeply about you, that’s good” 

You frowned softly. Ivar only told you that Oleg had told him he’d let you remain in Kiev if you wanted, and you had actually been thankful for that, not really wanting to go back and fight. It wasn’t your fight anymore. 

“Yes, well, it wasn’t always like that” you muttered, shaking your head “Can I have more of this?” you pointed at the now empty cup. Katia smiled and nodded at a servant, who came to refill it. 

“He also spoke about Freydis” she bit her lip. For some reason, hearing Freydis’ name on her lips made you shiver for a moment “He said he regretted treating you both like he did” she sighed. 

“Yes, he said that to me too” you shook your head. 

“And what about Hvitserk?” she raised an eyebrow with interest “The two of you are very close too”

“Hvit…? Oh” you nearly choked when you realised what she was implying “Oh, no, no, Hvitserk and I are just friends” you shook your head, holding back a laugh “He’s like my brother, we wouldn’t… No” 

“Well, I wouldn’t blame you” she laughed “Those two are quite a sight” 

You bit your lip, nervously, and looked away. 

“Well you should have seen their brothers too… Ubbe has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen”

She laughed again, shaking her head and covering her mouth, for a moment you let your guard down. 

“I must admit, Ivar caught my attention since I arrived here” she sighed “He’s a very handsome man, strong, smart… Any woman would feel… Attracted to him”

You shrugged, you knew that very well, after everything you had gone through with him you didn’t really need anyone else to explain Ivar’s charm to you. 

“You’re a lucky woman” she giggled again, winking at you. You took another sip of the tea, feeling somewhat flustered. 

“I was, for a while” you shrugged “But not anymore, I guess” 

She looked interested, tilting her head with a frown in confusion. 

“I thought you were married” 

“We are, yes, that hasn’t changed yet but everything else has” you muttered “I don’t really want to bore you with the details of my failed marriage, but Ivar hurt me. A lot. And I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive him just yet”

“You talk about Freydis?” she bit her lip. 

“Yes, well, she’s one of the reasons, he… Chose her over me, more than once, and only when she failed him he turned back to me, that made me feel pretty miserable. And he also left me behind in Kattegat when he fled, and I didn’t even know whether he was alive or not”

“He did that to protect you” she pouted, shaking her head “You should trust him, he’s not the same person he was when he did those things, I’m sure of that.”

You wanted to scream at her. She knew nothing, she didn’t know Ivar before, she didn’t know just how much you had trusted him and how much it hurt when he broke that trust. 

But she kept asking almost like she had known him, how much had Ivar told her about himself? About you? 

You know nothing , you wanted to spat at her, suddenly too annoyed to be in her presence. Katia didn’t seem to realise, just poured some more tea on her cup and kept silent. You wondered if she loved him, the glances she sent his way being too familiar for you, as you had been doing the same for years, even when he was already yours. 

But you had been so angry at him. You wanted to slap him every time he looked at you with puppy eyes and his lips slightly parted, every time you ignored him in favour of Hvitserk or Igor. How his eyes widened and glistened every time you actually talked to him, like he was desperate and holding himself back at the same time. But you also saw how he looked at Katia. 

Exactly how he looked at Freydis. 

You wouldn’t go through that again. 

“So it’s over for you?” she asked innocently, making you snap back to reality. 

You blinked a couple of times. Was it really over? You would have liked to say yes without hesitation, but it was hard to picture a life without Ivar, especially when you just got him back. 

It wouldn’t be wise to share that with a stranger, though. 

“Maybe” you shrugged “We’ll have to talk about it”

Not like Ivar was that much into talking. Even on your best days, it was a complete nightmare just to make him sit down and talk about important things. Like your wedding. 

“He also has a mission” she smiled softly “I’ve been trying to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t fully trust me” she giggled, shaking her head. 

How could he? , you thought.

“What kind of mission?” you frowned. 

“One that is vital for the fate of my people” her smile had faded, and she stared at you seriously now “I can’t really share the details with you now” her eyes travelled around the room before she looked at you again “But I trust he will, and you must tell him to trust me, I can help him” 

You blinked again, confused, and turned to look at all the guards that stood across the room, completely inexpressive but with functioning ears and mouths. 

You weren’t sure whether you wanted to get involved in that, you had had enough back at home but at the same time you felt the need to act like a wall and separate Ivar and Katia for as long as you could. She looked deadly serious, her eyes screaming at you for help until you nodded. 

“I’ll see what I can do”

You couldn’t help but sigh in relief when you saw his chariot entering the city. They weren’t too happy, judging by the disappointed faces of the men that came back, but both Ivar and Hvitserk, even little Igor were there, and that was more than enough for you. 

He looked at you, and you couldn’t help but stare at him as he stopped the chariot in front of the palace. He looked too good in that black armour, and even if you knew you shouldn’t be thinking about those things when clearly the campaign in Norway had been a disaster, you couldn’t help it. It was too much time without him, missing him, and all the talk about Ivar you had to endure with Katia made you miss him even more. The problem was, you didn’t know if that Ivar you missed was still there or only lived in your memory. 

The hallway seemed to be longer than ever as you walked quickly, searching for them and cursing the stupid dress you wore for not letting you move faster. When you finally reached them, you hugged Hvitserk so tightly he even complained, chuckling softly. 

“If you ever leave me here all alone again I’m going to kill you” you groaned “I thought I’d die of boredom” 

“Nice to see you’re not mad” he smiled at you before you turned to Ivar. You held back the impulse of hugging him too, but instead smiled softly at him. 

“Where 's Igor?” you looked around. The little prince, who never wandered too far from Ivar, was nowhere to be seen, and their aggravated expressions made you shiver. 

“Oleg confined him in his room” Ivar muttered, shaking his head “Come on, we need to talk” 

Even if you trembled when he grabbed your arm to guide you to his bedroom, followed by Hvitserk, you didn’t complain nor said a word until you were sitting on his bed, completely silent as both brothers exchanged glances. 

“Are you going to tell me what the hell happened? Or do I have to guess it?” 

“Björn is dead” Ivar spoke almost at the same time as you, and you fell silent again. Björn Ironside, the great ruler of Kattegat, so loved, so feared… Even if you weren’t particularly close to him, you felt some sadness. In the end, you held some sympathy for him. 

“How?” you frowned. Ivar’s proud face told you enough.

“I killed him” he shrugged “In the middle of the battle, I just got close to him and I killed him” 

The worst part was that you believed him. You wanted to ask him if he had done it just because it was Björn or because of what he had done to Hvitserk and to you, but his brother interrupted him. 

“It wasn’t really like that, brother” Hvitserk sounded amused “Tell her the real story” 

You turned to look at Ivar with your eyebrow raised as he glared at Hvitserk. It nearly made you smile, knowing he was saying that to try and impress you. Like you needed it, Ivar . 

“Well I didn’t kill him” he shrugged “That bastard was still alive for the next battle, and he came to us on his horse and all of that, already dying. He was technically killed by some arrow. But I definitely helped in the process of his death” 

Even if you didn’t find it funny, you smiled at him. It was much easier to stay mad at him when he was away. 

“So, if Björn died, why did you come back so soon?” you shrugged “Shouldn’t it be much easier to take Kattegat now?” 

“Not exactly” he scowled.

“Oleg thought Ivar had killed Björn” Hvitserk explained “We all thought so, so the Rus were quite… Surprised to see him on the battlefield” he shrugged “He ordered the retreat”

Your mouth opened in disbelief. 

“But he died ” you insisted “No matter when, he was dead”

“The Rus are superstitious people” Ivar shot an annoyed smile “They were terrified” 

“So you just came back” you sighed “Well, it could have been worse” 

Ivar muttered something, but you didn’t hear him. 

“You can try again, right?” you asked “I’ll go with you next time”

They didn’t reply, and you realised you’d have to insist way more if you wanted them to let you take part in future battles for now on. 

“Oleg is not happy with me” Ivar sighed “He’s trying to keep me away from Igor” you could hear on his tone that he was genuinely upset by that “He doesn’t trust me anymore”

“Ivar you need to…”

“Be careful?” he finished for you, making you raise an eyebrow and scoff in disbelief. Hvitserk coughed to hide a laugh. 

“The two of you are especially annoying today” you crossed your arms, rolling your eyes. 

“I know I have to be careful” Ivar shrugged “But so do you” 

“Me? I’ve done nothing, I’m literally fed up of doing nothing” 

Hvitserk stood up, taking your attention away from Ivar for a moment. 

“Oleg won’t hurt Igor” he said, pouring some drink on the cup that rested on Ivar’s table “He needs him, he’s the heir… He won’t hurt me nor Ivar, because he still needs us, for the moment” Hvitserk shrugged, and pressed his lips together “But you…”

“He asked many questions about you when we were away” Ivar sighed “Especially to me” 

You were utterly confused now. 

“You’re going to sleep with one of us from now on, Y/N” Hvitserk winked at you “You choose”

“Excuse me?” you laughed, shaking your head “I don’t think so, I’ve missed you both but I also like to have some privacy”

“Oh, you’ll have a whole eternity of privacy when he kills you” Ivar snorted “Are you listening?”

“Yes, and I think you’re exaggerating, Oleg won’t kill me” you rolled your eyes “He couldn’t even if he tried”

Ivar bit his lip hard to hide a smirk. 

“It’s a good thing he doesn’t know about that side of you yet… Try and keep it hidden, yes?” 

“Katia talked to me when you were away” you lowered your voice. The amusement died on his face and suddenly Ivar was serious “She said something about a mission and you trusting her, but I don’t know…”

“She shouldn’t have told you anything” he nearly growled.

“Why?” you protested “I feel like you all know something I don’t”

“That’s because we do” Hvitserk nodded at you with an annoying smile, and you felt the need to throw him one of the pillows. 

“It’s nothing you should worry about, at least for now” Ivar shook his head “Keep quiet, don’t walk around all alone and try to listen to me, alright?” 

“What is all of this about?” you groaned. Ivar ignored you, and reached to take a dagger from under his pillow. You frowned and took it. 

“Sleep with this beside you, at least” he muttered “You know how to use it” 

King Ivar.

He felt no one should call him that anymore.

My lady Katia would like to see you . 

Ivar didn’t really know what to expect when he entered that place. A part of him was sure it was a trap, but he kept walking in anyway. A chair. A bed. 

What was happening?

“My love”

That was the last thing he expected. To see Freydis. 

Only that she wasn’t really Freydis. He tried to remind himself of that as he looked at her. It’s Katia, it’s just Katia. She only looks like Freydis to you. Maybe it’s the Gods making fun of me. Maybe this is just Loki’s doing . 

“No” he shook his head, suddenly terrified “Don’t”

“Ivar” she said his name softly, seductively, that only made him more anxious “It’s me”

“Don’t play with me” he nearly sobbed “Please” 

He sat on the chair. Suddenly his legs felt weaker than ever. 

“You want me” she undressed. Right in front of him. 

His first thought wasn’t that he had a beautiful woman naked in front of him, nor how she walked up to him to kiss him. No, his first thought was you. He was weak, giving in to Katia’s kisses and caresses, but he was thinking of you. It was true that you seemed more distant than ever, even during your casual approaches, but you didn’t look back at him when he tried to catch your attention, you didn’t stare at his lips when he was close enough. You had cried and asked him to stop when he had kissed you. You wouldn’t mind if he had sex with Katia because you didn’t care about him anymore, right? You were over him, over all the pain he caused you, now you just trusted him out of habit, with no love in between. He had given you space and you still didn’t make a move towards him. 

But he couldn’t do it. Even if you never kissed him again, then he’d kiss no one. 

“Stop” he muttered when Katia undid his pants. She hesitated for a moment, but as soon as his hand grabbed her wrist, her head snapped to look at him with surprise. 

“Don’t you want this?” she asked sweetly, tilting her head.

“No” he felt like crying “I don’t” 

Katia let out a sigh. 

“I need you to trust me” 

“Fine” he shook his head “But not like this, Katia, please” 

She looked defeated when she stood up, leaving his lap, and picking her dress up from the floor. Ivar had the decency to look away as she got dressed. 

“Is this about Y/N?” she asked. Ivar had tried his best to keep you away from Katia since he came back. But it was hard to do so when you ignored him every time he told you what to do. 

“I’m married” he shrugged “I love her” 

Those words surprised him way more than her. It was the first time he admitted that out loud without you being present. For some reason he had always been terrified of saying it until now, but he felt the need to scream it at that moment. 

“I asked her to talk to you in my behalf” Katia smiled “I knew you’d listen to her” 

“You shouldn’t have brought her into this” he frowned “I’ll tell you what you want to know, but leave Y/N out of this, because she doesn’t know what’s going on and we’re playing with fire here, if Oleg finds out what is happening, she better not know anything”

Katia nodded, finally giving up, as Ivar started telling her the plan to overthrow her husband. He wasn’t even sure that this wasn’t a trap and that Oleg wouldn’t have him killed the day after with proof of his betrayal, but it was worth the risk. Katia’s help would make the entire thing much easier, and if there was something Ivar was willing to risk his life for in that moment was to get Igor out of Kiev and far from his uncle’s reach. 

“How do you plan on taking Igor away?” she asked softly when he was finished.

“I still don’t know, but I’ll figure it out” he shrugged “I have Hvitserk, and I have Y/N, they will help me” 

“I thought she wasn’t a part of the plan” Katia raised an eyebrow. 

“Well I’m not going to leave her here” he shrugged “I’ll just explain it to her when we have to leave… She loves Igor, she will agree”

Katia sighed again. The disappointment was still written all over her face, and Ivar couldn’t help but grab her hand softly. 

“You are a beautiful woman” he muttered “You are kind and maybe a while ago I would have slept with you without a second thought… But I can’t do it now, not when she’s here” he shrugged “Because I’d be thinking about her, and that’s not fair for any of us” 

She nodded, shooting him an understanding smile.

“It’s a shame, Ivar Ragnarsson” she stood up, walking to the door slowly “You’re a man worth fighting for”

It was dark when he finally knocked at your door. He had been standing in the hallway for a while now, trying to convince himself to just knock on the door and see you. Even if he had no idea of what he wanted to say. 

He had to hold back a smile when you opened the door holding the dagger he gave you and with a suspicious expression. Even if you relaxed the moment you saw him, you were still tense. 

“Ivar?” you frowned “What are you doing here, did anything happen?” you looked behind him, probably looking for Hvitserk, and looked even more confused when you realised he was all alone. 

“No, I just wanted…” he didn’t finish, for he did not know what to say. Instead he watched you. Your eyelashes, your nose, your lips, your cheeks, the way your hair framed your face, your eyes. There was nothing he couldn’t describe perfectly. He had memorised every single detail of your face… When? When had he looked at you so carefully? He felt like an idiot for wasting so much time with you and yet never stopping to admire you properly. 

“Ivar” you asked again, this time visibly concerned “Is there anything wrong?”

“No” he shook his head “Just wanted to wish you a good night” 

You raised an eyebrow, completely taken aback. Never in your entire life had Ivar the Boneless showed up at your door to wish you good night, not even when he was the one sleeping beside you. 

“Um… Thank you, I suppose…” you cleared your throat “Are you sure everything is well?” 

This made him laugh. 

“Yes, everything is well” he nodded “I just wanted to see how were you”

The surprise in your face hurt him. He was your husband, for Odin’s sake, you shouldn’t be surprised when he made sure you were fine, he shouldn’t make you think he didn’t care. 

“I’m fine” you nodded “I barely saw Hvitserk or Igor today, though, and I was looking for you, but I couldn’t find you either” you pouted.

“Sorry, I was… Busy” he took a deep breath, not really wanting to reveal to you that he had been with Katia “Did you need anything?” 

“Not particularly” you shrugged “Just some company, you know, it gets pretty boring here when you can't talk to anyone” 

“You actually can” he smiled “You’re learning the language very fast” 

“Well, I have nothing else to do” you smiled “Want to come in?” 

Ivar hesitated for a moment, not sure whether you were inviting him in to be polite and not let him standing in the hallway or you actually wanted to spend some time with him. 

“Sure” he nodded slowly, and you opened the door to let him in. 

“I asked if they could bring me some tea” you pointed at the drink you had left next to the fireplace, on the low table “I’m getting addicted to it” 

Ivar smiled, thinking that if he ever left that place with you he’d made sure to be carrying as many of those herbs as he could.

Chapter Text

Playlist (To listen as you read)

“Ivar, please, stay still” 

He scowled again as soon as the wet cloth touched the open wounds. You know it had more to do with the fact that he didn’t like his face being touched than with the pain, because he had gone through way worse things. 

“Don’t act too pouty now, you probably deserved it” you smiled softly as he winced again “This is going to leave an ugly scar” 

“One more” he muttered, and your smile faded. 

“What happened, Ivar?” you asked softly, putting down the cloth for a moment. He had appeared at your door, with his face covered in blood and some bruises on his body. At first you almost freaked out, but he had talked to you calmly, asking for your help to clean the wounds. 

“Hvitserk” he shrugged, shaking his head. You frowned in confusion. Hvitserk? Your Hvitserk? The violence of his bruises showed that whoever had done it was truly furious at him. It made sense but… 

“Why?” 

“Do you really need to ask, Y/N?” he rolled his eyes, sighing. 

Well, it was true that Hvitserk had his reasons to at least punch him in the face, but they were getting along again, they were finally acting like brothers…

“What did you say to him?” you raised an eyebrow. Ivar smiled. 

“Why is it always my fault?” 

“Because I know you” you shook your head “Tell me, Ivar”

“Because I told him to stop following Oleg like a little dog” he shrugged “They don’t invite me to their meetings, they keep everything in secret, they don’t let me see Igor anymore” he whispered “And Hvitserk is stupid enough to fall for whatever Oleg is promising him”

You raised the cloth again to continue cleaning his face as you thought about what he just told you, biting your lip. 

“I don't’ think he’s angry because of this” you muttered “I don’t mean to defend him, I think he shouldn’t have done this, but you did torture him in the past, Ivar, you… Kind of ruined his life, at some point” 

And just when you thought he’d start screaming, he just nodded. 

“I guess I did deserve it” 

Your mouth parted in disbelief, which seemed to amuse him a bit. Your entire expression changed and your hand reached to caress his soft hair slowly. You held yourself back as much as you could to avoid kissing him. 

“You’ve changed” 

Ivar scoffed, rolling his eyes. 

“I haven’t” he cleared his throat.

“Yes, you have, you would have killed me for saying that” you chuckled “Well, maybe not killed me but at least you would have threatened me for a bit”

“No” he grabbed the hand that caressed his hair then “Not you, I would never hurt you” there was silence for a moment “Not intentionally, at least”

You smiled again, shrugging. 

“You already promised that once” 

His smile faded again. It was difficult to focus on the wound when his big eyes were fixed on you and his lips on a pout. You didn’t know how you had been resisting that face for so long, but your walls were starting to fall apart and that terrified you. 

“I never did anything to hurt you on purpose, Y/N” he whispered “Even if it looks like I did, I swear I didn’t realise, but if I could take that back… If I could go back to those days I’d change everything, all of it, I swear”

He looked so serious you actually believed him, but you were still wary. After looking into his eyes for what seemed to be an eternity, you looked away, shrugging. 

“It’s in the past now” you said. Ivar looked kind of disappointed, but you tried your best to ignore it “We can’t change it” 

He nodded, and you kept cleaning the cuts carefully. Only the sounds of his and your own breathing could be heard in the room, and sometimes the sound of water when you wetted the cloth. 

“I do trust Hvitserk” Ivar’s voice sounded husky when he spoke again, almost like he was trying not to cry “He’s my brother, you and him are the only family I’ve got left, I just… I don’t want Oleg poisoning his mind and hurting him” 

“Then tell him” you smiled “Show him you trust him, make him trust you again” 

“How can I do that?” 

“You’re Ivar the Boneless, the smartest man alive, I’m sure you’ll figure something out” 

He laughed. 

“You know, I always thought you were smarter than me” he said softly, following your movements as you changed the already dirty cloth. 

“Me?” you laughed “That’s funny, I can’t even figure out how to cure these wounds, let alone win an entire war with my strategies” 

“You know what I mean” he smiled again, but you didn’t see him as you had your back turned to him “You always know how to read people. You always knew what was going through my mind, what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what to say to make me feel better, you even read my mind that night during the feast, you know what I was going to do” his eyes filled with tears “And you knew exactly what to say to make me stop” 

“I had no clue” you couldn’t turn around to look at him, fearing you’d start crying if you did.

“You did” he whispered “You always did, that’s why I…”

He interrupted himself, and you didn’t ask him to continue. 

“I feel like I don’t know you anymore, Ivar” you confessed “I feel like I stopped knowing you a long time ago” 

“Then get to know me again” he insisted “Look at me” 

You finally turned again, hesitating. His hand reached to you, to cup your face. 

“You know what I’m thinking now, don’t you?” 

You let him lean in close enough to touch your forehead with his as you whispered a no. Too afraid of your own answer.

“I’m thinking” he continued, his beautiful eyes flooded and fixed on yours “That I fucking miss you more than I’ve ever missed anything in my entire life” 

Closing your eyes tightly, you let him hug you, feeling like you could finally breathe after a long time. His hand caressed your back, you breathed into his neck, his familiar scent had something different now too, his hair was softer than ever. He never cut it since you said you liked to braid it. 

“I miss you too” you finally said, your voice so low you doubted he had heard you. But his embrace tightened, so you knew he had. 

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” he asked “Will anyone ever be able to forgive me?” 

“Yes” you moved to look at him in the face again “If you show us you deserve to be forgiven”

He nodded then, and you kissed his forehead softly. Your heart beat so fast that you were afraid of him feeling it against his own chest. You were terrified, but you felt peaceful and safe again, after way too much time feeling completely hopeless and abandoned. The sound of his breathing, his presence, his touch, everything you had missed with your entire heart was there with you again. A part of you was too scared of letting him in again, but another part knew Ivar would always be in. You could never push him away because he was a part of you. He had always been. 

“I better finish cleaning those, Ivar” you muttered, your lips touching his skin softly as you spoke. He took a deep breath, but finally released you, slowly. 

“Next time” you raised an eyebrow “Just leave your brother alone” 

His laugh sounded like music. The music you had missed more than anything in your entire life. 

“Are the two of you going to talk about it some day or…?” Hvitserk sighed tiredly. He had been trying to keep a conversation for you for a while now, but you were too busy staring at Ivar from across the room. 

“Sorry?” you looked at him confused “Did you say anything?” 

“Yes I’ve said quite some things while you were busy ignoring me” he scoffed, amused, and you pouted. 

“Sorry, Hvitty, I was distracted, can you repeat it?” you shot him the most charming smile you were able to form, still too aware of Ivar’s presence. 

“I said, are the two of you going to talk one day? Or will you just stare at each other looking like a deer scared by hunters?” 

“Talk?” you giggled nervously “What is there to talk about?” 

Many things, you thought at the same time. It was true Ivar and you should talk, but the last days had been pretty hectic, between running from Kiev and arriving in Novgorod only to go back to Kiev again. He had been busy making plans with that new Rus prince you didn’t know and had barely talked to, and spending some time with Igor to make sure he was fine after Oleg’s death. 

Not too much time to talk about what happened just before leaving. 

It wasn’t such a big deal. A mere kiss, just as you were asking him a hundred questions about why he was intruding in your bedroom in the early morning and telling you to get dressed because you had to leave. 

‘You didn’t think I’d leave you behind again, did you?’

After that, you could do nothing but take his face in your hands and kiss him deeply. He had looked surprised at first, but kissed you back. At least for a while, until he realised it was getting late. I’ll explain it to you on the way.

He indeed explained it to you, and even when his entire explanation only madre you want to kiss him even more, you didn’t do it. Not in front of the others at least. It wasn’t the time. 

But now, during the feast thrown to celebrate Oleg’s fall and in honour of Igor, maybe it was time to at least talk a bit, right?

“I don’t know, you tell me” Hvitserk chuckled “Maybe about the glances, or the fact that you’re still married. The two of you are acting like children”

“It’s kind of a starting point for us now, Hvitserk” you raised an eyebrow at him “We’re still married, yes, but…”

“So you need to talk” he shrugged “You can’t read each other’s minds”

Well… 

“He’s busy now, Hvitserk, can’t you see…?” you turned to look at him, only for your smile to fade slowly when you saw Katia talking to him  “He’s busy”

“Do you want me to kiss you? It would definitely make him look this way”

“Hvitserk!” you widened your eyes, hitting his shoulder “They’re just talking” 

He looked too amused as he finished his drink. 

“Yes, well, try not to kill any of them with your staring, it would be a shame to bury more people” he shrugged. And you rolled your eyes again. 

It wasn’t after a few more drinks, a failed attempt to dance with Hvitserk and even a deep conversation with Igor, who complimented your skills with his language, when Ivar approached you. Hvitserk pretended to be very busy talking to Dir, and you were left alone. 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” he asked as soon as he was next to you. You cleared your throat and smiled shyly at him. As if he were not your husband, Y/N . 

“Yes, I mean, it’s not like the feasts we had on Kattegat but it’s not that bad” you shrugged “You?” 

“Not sure” he frowned “Hey, do you think we could talk for a bit?” 

“Are we not talking already?” you smirked, tilting your head and feigning confusion “We can keep talking in here, right?” 

He rolled his eyes in annoyance, but his lips curved on a little smile. 

“I don’t mean this kind of talking” he muttered “I mean the kind of talking that can only be done in private” 

You shivered, clearing your throat again and looking around to see if anyone was there to see your entire body contort with nerves and excitement. 

“Oh” you looked at Hvitserk, who was still occupied talking to people “Sure”

“Ivar… Where are we?” 

You had never stepped into that room. It was big, but you didn’t have too much time to look around because Ivar locked the door and immediately turned to cup your face with his  hand and kiss you. You had to grab his shoulders to avoid falling down, as your knees suddenly felt weak and shaky. 

“I don’t know and I don’t care” he muttered before kissing you again “But you can’t expect to kiss me like you did and then make me wait for so long to kiss me again” 

You raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m sorry, I thought you might were a bit busy overthrowing a fucking prince, Ivar” you laughed. 

“Never too busy for you, love” 

Another kiss. And another. You were starting to feel like you were the one needing crutches at that moment. You hadn’t felt that fluttering on your stomach, that warmth spreading in your chest since… 

“I think” you moved away just a little before he grabbed your head to keep you in place “We should talk ”

Ivar finally let you breathe, letting his forehead rest against yours and sighing. When your eyes found his ocean blue ones, you almost gave up again. 

“You’re probably right” he looked at you with such a charming smile that you looked away, flustered.

“I’ve been thinking about us” you cleared your throat “We’re married” 

“Yes, I can recall that” 

“We’ve been through a… Rough time. Which, by the way, was mostly your fault” you raised an eyebrow.

“I recall that, too” he grimaced. 

“And now…” your mind went blank. You didn’t really know what to say or do now “What?”

Ivar sighed, moving away from you for a bit so he could focus. He had practised an entire speech in his head, he was good with speeches. But suddenly he couldn’t remember a single part of it. 

“I’ll leave Kiev” he shrugged “Maybe go back to Kattegat with Hvitserk, if he wants to come… I would love for you to come with me, and I would love to… Be with you, but if you want a divorce and want to go separate ways, I won’t blame you”

You hummed, nodding. 

“If we try this again” you muttered “You need to promise me you will respect me, Ivar” you took a deep breath “If you like someone else, tell me, if you feel bothered by something I’m doing, tell me, I… Probably won’t be able to give you children, clearly” you cleared your throat “I love you, I always did and I will do it forever, but I won’t stay quiet and lower my head again”

“I would be disappointed if you did” he nodded with a smile. 

“I mean it” you bit your lip “I will leave” 

“No more of that” he shook his head “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for all I did, for all I said, you didn’t deserve it” he whispered “I love you”

The words escaped his lips before he could hold them. But it was worth it, because even if your surprise bothered him, the way you smiled up at him made it all more easy. Because he’d swallow his stupid pride to make you smile like that again a thousand times. 

He almost felt bad for breaking that smile to kiss you, but you kept smiling against his lips. How much time had you been waiting for those words? Those words and those eyes fixed on you, not when you just had sex, nor when you finished braiding his hair or massaging his back, but right there, looking at you in the eyes and meaning it. 

Way longer than you ever thought you’d ever stand. 

You didn’t even recall letting yourself fall to the floor, but suddenly you were straddling his lap, with Ivar’s lips travelling down your neck and his hands undoing the buttons of your dress, quickly, probably breaking a couple of them. You threw your head back and smiled, genuinely smiled out of happiness for the first time. Your lips traced then the scar on his face, Ivar closed his eyes and hummed in enjoyment.

“The scar actually suits you” you giggled “Thank Hvitserk” 

You could feel him rolling his eyes. 

“Will do” 

“I really think we should get going before someone enters and sees that clearly , we just had sex”

Ivar, still with his eyes closed and with his arm behind his head, just smiled. 

“Locked the door” he whispered. 

“I still think we should leave” you tried to stand up, but his arm kept you close to his chest. You didn’t fight it that much, to be fair “Hvitserk will get suspicious” 

“He knows, I’m sure” he shrugged “He always knows”

“He will come with us, won’t he?” you asked softly. The idea of leaving without Hvitserk was as unbearable as leaving without Ivar for you. 

“Given that we’re destined to be together because apparently one of us will kill the other… Yes, I’d think he’ll come” 

That startled you, and you sat down, still looking at him.

“If one of you kills the other, I will kill you” 

He chuckled, almost like he thought you were joking. You were not. 

“That’s in the Gods’ hands now, Y/N” he shook his head “Neither you nor any of us have any…”

“Oh we do” you narrowed your eyes at him “Trust me, we do, just like you’re choosing to leave Kiev, you can choose not to kill your brother” 

Ivar shrugged, and you decided to drop it because it was making you nervous. You would never allow any of them to kill the other. Over my dead body , you thought, but you didn’t say it out loud because you knew Ivar would be scandalised. 

He still couldn’t understand just how important he was to you. 

“Why do you want to leave Kiev in such a hurry now, though?” you asked, leaning your head back on his warm shoulder. He hummed and shrugged. 

“I just think there’s nothing for me here anymore. Igor is free, the Rus will have a good ruler, Oleg is dead… And I just think it’s time to move forward”

“But you are going to miss Igor” you smiled “I know it”

His expression softened, and he nodded slowly. 

“Yes, I’m going to miss Igor” he muttered “He’s a special kid” 

“He reminds me of you” you said softly “In some ways. I think that’s why you love him so much” 

Ivar stood silent. It was true he had seen something of himself in the little prince. His innocence had been like a breath of fresh air after all the violence and rage that always marked his life. It showed him a part of himself that he didn’t know he had. 

He had to thank Oleg for that too. Seeing himself in someone else, someone like Oleg, had terrified him. Suddenly his own actions started weighing on him, and realised how everyone had been seeing him during his rule. He didn’t like it. 

Be ruthless , the last advice his father had given him stayed for all those years. But he had directed his anger, his rage, to the wrong place, to his own people instead of his enemies. It was people like Oleg the ones that deserved his rage, not you, not his brothers, not the people that raised him. 

“I’m afraid of telling him I’m leaving” he muttered “I don’t want him to be sad” 

Your smile widened. 

“He will understand” you muttered “He’s smart” 

I hope he does, Ivar thought, leaning in to kiss your head softly. He couldn’t stand to see that boy crying. 

It felt strange to be in Kattegat. Everything was familiar but foreign at the same time. It amazed you how life kept going even when you weren’t there to see it. You knew every street and every corner by heart, but everything about those places felt like they belonged to someone else. 

You had missed it, though, the beautiful fjord, the sea, the noise, the chill and humid air, even the fog that came down from the mountains and that you used to hate. It was good to be back home. Even if you were the only one happy to be back. 

Ivar wasn’t happy about Harald being king. He had no interest in ruling Kattegat again, as he had said to you during the trip, but seeing Harald on the throne wasn’t ideal either. Hvitserk was faced with too many things from his past that got him a bit more quiet. You, instead, tried to push away the bad memories, and enjoy being back home. 

You even smiled when you saw the little hut in which you lived during Björn’s rule. No one had occupied it since you left. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but also like it was yesterday. 

It was raining that night. You stayed in bed after eating something. You spent the entire day on the beach, with your eyes closed and listening to the water. For a moment it was like going back in time and whenever you opened your eyes you nearly expected Hvitserk to be there trying to pour some water on you, Sigurd playing his oud or Ubbe scolding Ivar for threatening someone. If you focused, you could even hear them. You also spent some time talking to the Gods. You felt somewhat guilty, as you had spent so much time in a Christian environment that you hadn’t prayed as much as you should. Floki always said it was important to talk to the Gods, that they would help you, they’d put the ideas in your head or would show you the right path. 

All of that also made you think about Floki, and you wondered whether he was still alive. You would have given everything to hear one of his stories in that moment, to hear his giggle and Helga scolding him. The sounds you had grown up with. 

It scared you how quickly those little things turned into memories instead of routine. 

When Ivar came back from his audience with King Harald, you scolded him for being out so late and in the cold. He only rolled his eyes and told you not to worry, but you could see him limping a bit more now, and grabbing his thigh. And how he poured a bit more ale in his cup than he used to. 

“I don’t think you should drink anymore” you raised an eyebrow “Because you clearly drank already” 

“I need it after that” he groaned. You let him pull you into his lap and smiled softly, careful not to put too much weight on his legs. 

“What did you talk about?” you asked, snatching the cup from his hand and drinking it. Ivar frowned at you but poured another one for him. 

“Life” he shrugged “About how being king is not what neither of us expected, about the Gods… About forgiveness”

“Sounds deep” you muttered “I regret missing it now, I thought you’d talk about war or something like that” 

“I think King Harald just needs someone that understands what he means when he speaks about ruling” he sighed “He’s disenchanted with the ruler life”

“I can see why” you nodded “He’s a good king, but the crown weights maybe too much sometimes” you muttered “You know it better than anyone”

“True” Ivar nodded “But at least I have you” his lips pressed against your neck softly “And I have my brother, he’s all alone… I feel bad for him” 

You raised an eyebrow, turning to look at him with a laugh. 

“ You feel bad for someone else? I think we should discard the ale for tonight” you giggled. 

He smiled too, and let you grab the cup and put it back on the table. When you leant in to kiss him he just closed his eyes, kissing you back as soon as you pressed your lips against his. A sigh of contentment made you smile in the middle of the kiss. 

“So what are we going to do?” you asked him softly “We can’t stay here” 

“Why?”

“Because there can’t be two kings in Kattegat” you giggled “It will just end up really badly” 

“True” he hummed “What do you propose?” 

You shrugged, kissing him again before standing up, grabbing the cups to clean them a bit. Ivar whined in protest, but you ignored him, turning your back to him with a smirk. 

“I don’t know” you shrugged “What would Ragnar do?” 

Ivar raised his head, interested, and as you were putting some wood into the fire to keep the cabin warm during the night, he stood up, with the intention of going to bed so he could lay down. His legs hurt again, more than they had done in a long time. It kind of worried him at first but he shrugged it off, thinking it was probably because of the long trip from Kiev. He groaned softly as he stood up, but as soon as he moved to start walking… He bit his own tongue to avoid letting out a yell as the sound of the bone fracturing echoed in the room. You gasped and immediately ran to him, grabbing his arm until he was sitting on the bed, breathing heavily and with his entire body tensed. 

“Ivar” you muttered “What happened? Gods…” you fumbled with the straps of his braces, trying to get them off as quickly as possible without hurting him. Ivar clenched his jaw in pain, but shook his head. 

“It’s fine, it’s not that bad” he whispered “Don’t worry” 

“Are you seriously telling me not to worry?” you widened your eyes “Ivar please just let me take this off… Stop moving” 

 He finally let you finish, and then laid down on the bed, finally sighing in relief. 

“Should I get a healer?” you asked, gulping nervously. Your hands were trembling already and your voice was shaky with concern and desperation. He took a few seconds to reply, shaking his head. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N” he muttered “This happens all the time, remember?” he sighed “I’ll be fine” 

Yes, it happened all the time… But it had been a while since it happened for the last time. 

Still biting your lip and not very sure, you tucked him in with some furs, paying attention not to move him too much as he controlled his breathing. At least he looked a bit more relaxed when you finished. 

“What’s this?” you frowned, seeing a strange object on the floor, just where he had stopped walking. You picked it up. It was a piece similar to the ones you’d use in hnefatafl. 

When you knelt on the bed next to him, Ivar took it, looking at it carefully. 

“Alfred gave it to me” he muttered “When I was in England with my father… We played chess together” 

“Alfred? King Alfred?” you tilted your head “I remember him from York, I fought him for a while, but one of his soldiers came to cover him and when I was finished with him Alfred was gone” you bit your lip. 

“Yes” he whispered, his eyes fixed on the ceiling now “He was good at chess… I wonder whether he’s as good in the battlefield” 

You rolled your eyes, getting into bed and putting the small piece of chess on the table before turning around to look at him again. 

“Ivar” you muttered, and looked down as soon as his eyes met yours “You’ll tell me if you don’t feel good, won’t you?”

“What do you mean?” 

“If you get sick, if it hurts too much, if it gets worse ” you were almost terrified to say those things out loud “You’ll tell me, right?”

He smiled down at you, moving slightly to hug you, pulling you closer to him. 

“Yes” he nodded “I will tell you, but you don’t need to worry about that now” he muttered. 

You nodded, wishing you could just take the pain away from him. Aslaug had told you more than once that she had brought healers from all over Scandinavia, that many of them said he would die one day, that the disease would kill him when he was still young, but as he grew up everyone thought that maybe they were wrong. Maybe the Gods would save him. 

Closing your eyes, and focusing on his heartbeat, you prayed for the second time that day. Those healers were wrong. They had to. 

The ships moved through the waves, not as softly and beautifully as Floki's boat did, you noted, but enough to be silent. 

It felt almost like the world was sleeping, like England was sleeping. You looked up at the partly dark sky. Some reddish tones were already appearing, reflected against the clouds. Maybe there would be sun that day. The chill air had made your nose and cheeks go cold, but you kept looking up in silence. You had a bad feeling, it was almost like something screamed danger at you, ever since you departed from Kattegat, but you couldn't say what it was. You'd lay awake on the cold and uncomfortable ship's deck, listening to everyone's slow breathing as they slept, only accompanied by the sound of the water. 

The arm that hugged your waist pulled you closer, and your eyes left the orange sky to look into the deepest blue you had ever seen. His eyes, framed by dark and long eyelashes, were already open when you turned your head to look at him. His lips were slightly curved on a smile. 

"I didn't know you were awake" you muttered, frowning softly. You snuggled under the blankets, closer to him. He was always warm. 

Ivar raised an eyebrow, shaking his head. 

"How can I be asleep with you constantly moving?"

You pouted and he chuckled. His hand pulled your face close, and even if he flinched when your cold skin touched his neck, he didn't move, and you sighed in pleasure. 

"I couldn't sleep"

Ivar hummed, his face pressed against your hair. You could feel his pulse against your lips as you hid your face into his neck. It calmed you, and for a moment you thought your fears were stupid. He was fine. He was with you.  

"What's troubling you?" he whispered against your ear "And don't try to tell me it's nothing, because I know you"

"It's... Nothing" you smiled softly as he sighed "I just... Have a bad feeling"

"Why?" 

"If I knew why, I wouldn't be troubled, Ivar" you giggled "I just think we should have stayed home"

"There was nothing for me there, Y/N" he shook his head "What would I do? Serve Harald?" 

You shrugged. 

"I'm just afraid that we won't go back" 

You could almost feel his frown. 

"Why wouldn't we?" he looked down at you to watch you bite your lip. 

"I don't know" you whispered "But what you want to do here is dangerous"

"It's England, they're Christians " Ivar rolled his eyes.

"That doesn't mean they're weak" you sighed "I'm just scared"

"Don't be" he kissed your temple softly "You're with me"

You wanted to explain you didn't fear for yourself, but instead stayed silent.

"And when you conquer England, then what?" 

"Wouldn't you like to be the Queen of England?" he smirked, making you smile softly.

"I was already a Queen once, Ivar"

"You're still one" he hummed "Mine" 

You couldn't help but smile widely, feeling like a fool as you raised your head to kiss his lips softly. 

"That's more than enough for me"

The familiar green landscape of England made you sigh. It felt like a lifetime had passed since you were there for the last time, and you took a few minutes to ignore the sounds of the ships and admire the beautiful trees that grew on the riverside. Next to you, Ivar and Hvitserk watched the shore too, but for different reasons. 

"I'm bored" you muttered, pressing your cheek against the rail "I need to get out of this ship" 

King Harald chuckled when he heard your words. 

"We'll find a good place to camp and we'll sleep there" he nodded at you.

"The saxons could see us" you frowned softly. 

"They probably already have" Hvitserk shrugged "But we need a plan"

He looked at Ivar, who nodded. 

"You're the strategist here, Ivar" Harald palmed his back with a smile "I trust you, if your ideas are half as good as your father's we'll conquer this entire country in less than a year" 

"I need a map" he tilted his head and shot a forced smile at the king, who didn't seem upset but instead used to Ivar's mockery. 

Like Harald promised, you finally landed on the riverside. You nearly screamed in relief when you finally were able to make a fire to warm your hands. Then men set up the tents and you helped to unload some food and drinks from the boats as Ivar studied the map. Hvitserk and him whispered to each other, pointing at different parts of the map. Not wanting to disturb them and also not in the mood to talk about battles and fights, you approached them only when it was time to eat and with bowls of food in your arms. Hvitserk received you almost like you were the Allfather. 

 "Stop looking at that and eat" you snatched the map from Ivar's hands, making him frown at you. 

"I'm making plans, woman" 

"No, now you're eating" you raised an eyebrow "It's the first chance we have of eating a warm meal since we left Kattegat, so eat that and then we'll think about war"

Hvitserk chuckled and Ivar rolled his eyes with an amused expression, but obeyed you and started eating slowly. People around you drank excitedly, happy to finally be out abroad to raid and fight, some of them, the ones that had come to England with the Great Army to avenge Ragnar and those who had been in York talked about what they achieved in these lands. The king drank and ate with them. You had to admit that Harald had the spirit that kings needed. 

"They are motivated" you muttered, looking around "Your words worked" you winked at Ivar, who shook his head with a small smile. 

" All Hail Ivar " Hvitserk remembered with a smirk "Better than last time, right brother?" 

Your smirk faded slowly, and you looked back at Harald. 

"Be careful with that" you sighed "I know you love it, but Harald definitely didn't"

"Well, he's not a son of Ragnar, Y/N" Hvitserk shrugged "And the idea of coming to England was Ivar's, not his"

"That's the problem" you whispered, biting your lip "These men would follow Ivar, will follow him to battle, and what when Harald realises that and also thinks he has used you enough?" you sighed "He's the king, he has an army, we have nothing" 

"What's with this frowning, Y/N?" Hvitserk laughed.

"She's worried" Ivar rolled his eyes but winked at you "She's worried about me"

Hvitserk sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm worried about the two of you" you raised an eyebrow "Because you are idiots" 

"Thank the Gods we have you then" Hvitserk leant in to kiss your cheek "If I was Harald I'd be more worried about you killing me in my sleep than Ivar stealing part of my kingdom" 

"Hvitserk, you're not taking this seriously" you nearly groaned "I have enough with Ivar being a reckless idiot, I don't need you being one too" 

The brothers laughed, making Harald look your way. You ignored him and finished your food, shaking your head at them. 

"I have a bad feeling" you repeated "I think the three of us should..."

"No, I'll find a Saxon princess before I have to travel alone with the two of you again" Hvitserk groaned, and this time you smiled softly "I think I can't bear another night on a fucking ship with the two of you cuddling and giggling"

Ivar rolled his eyes again and reached to take the map again and keep staring at it. He ignored your pout, maybe on purpose, but you saw a small smile on his lips. 

"You don't trust me?" he raised his head to look at you. 

"Ivar, you know that I do" you sighed "I trust you with my life, but I think you should be careful" 

"I am being careful, that's why I need to plan our battles" he tilted his head, pointing at the map "Harald is a good leader but he's not an strategist" 

It was then, when he looked you in the eye, when you realised it, and your entire body tensed as you leant in to stare at him better. 

"Your eyes are blue" you muttered "Not too much, but definitely more blue than yesterday" 

Hvitserk turned to look at him with a more serious expression, and pressed his lips together.

"She's right" 

"I'm fine" Ivar sighed "They barely hurt, it's probably because of the trip, nothing to worry about" he rubbed his eyes with a heavy sigh, and even if you didn't believe him, you didn't push it either. He wasn't comfortable with talking about it in public, but you looked at Hvitserk, unsettled. You hadn't had to worry about it for a long time, since before the two of you reached Kiev, and a part of you thought that maybe he was getting better, that all those healers that assured everyone Ivar wouldn't live long when he was a child were wrong. Maybe the Gods had finally listened to your prayers. 

"Fine" you sighed "But as soon as you're finished with this, you will come to the tent and you will rest" you muttered "I think I'm going to go for a walk" 

"Yes, you should" Ivar looked at you again and smirked "Because, my love, tonight we are sleeping alone in a tent and I doubt you will be able to walk in the morning" 

You opened your mouth to reply to him, but couldn't find the words and instead you hit his arm softly, standing up and walking away from them as the brothers laughed, before any of them could see the smile on your face. 

Your lips touched the white scars on his face, kissing them softly as he panted, catching his breath with a hum and his eyes narrowed. His skin was warm and covered in sweat, but you couldn't care less as you probably didn't look as good as he did in the same state. 

"Did I tire the great Ivar the Boneless?" you giggled, and he groaned, rolling his eyes. 

"All of England must have heard you" he raised an eyebrow "Who tired whom?" 

"Because I spent weeks in that fucking ship" you raised an eyebrow. 

"The only time we fucked in that ship the men were unusually quiet, none of them sleeps that quietly, and I don't appreciate them looking at you as you are..."

You put your hand on his mouth, widening your eyes. 

"Don't you dare finish that sentence" you giggled "I'm sure more than one was looking at you " 

He rolled his eyes again, pushing your hand away. 

"Tomorrow I'll go on a small raid" he informed you as you relaxed your head on his shoulder "We'll try to steal some horses, food..."

"Nice, when are we leaving?" you raised an eyebrow. 

"Who invited you?" he chuckled, turning his head to look at you with an amused smile. 

"Am I supposed to stay here?" you scoffed "Patiently waiting and keeping your bed warm for when you want to come back? I fight better than half of the men you'll take with you"

"Hvitserk will come with me, but it will be dangerous, the English probably know we're here already" 

"You didn't answer my question" you narrowed your eyes at him, and Ivar sighed, looking away from you again. 

"I know you fight well, you fight better than me" he hummed "But we don't know what are we going to find, maybe a few scared farmers, maybe an army, maybe nothing" 

"Oh, perfect, that helps a lot" you scowled at him, turning around on the improvised bed so he'd face your back. You heard him chuckle softly and his hands sneaked around your waist once again. His warm chest pressed against your back and his lips touched your neck. 

"Don't be angry" he whispered "I'm sorry, but I don't want you to be in danger"

"I could say the same thing to you, but you wouldn't listen to me because you're a stubborn asshole, well, let's see who's more stubborn" you rolled your eyes.

"Fine, you win" he smirked, amused by your reaction "You'll come with me, but if things get ugly, you'll leave" 

He made you promise, even when he knew you wouldn't do it anyway. And then he pulled you to straddle his lap again, because when one of you was angry, the sex was even better. 

Chapter Text

Playlist (To listen as you read)

No matter how many years passed, you would always be amazed by the quantity of food that could fit inside Hvitserk’s stomach. He had just recovered his appetite recently, so you didn’t say anything as he finished his breakfast sitting next to you. 

“Are you going to eat that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at you and pointing at the food on your plate. You stared at it and your stomach turned. It was a normal meal, some meat you had managed to get, some of the food you had stolen during the raids… Something you had eaten many times. But this time even smelling it was making you feel sick. 

“I don’t know” you cleared your throat, scrunching your nose in disgust. 

“You should, you barely ate anything yesterday, I saw you” Hvitserk filled his mouth again with some bread. 

“You’re controlling what I eat?” you chuckled.

“I am, you’re acting weird these days, Ivar noticed too” he shrugged “Didn’t wonder why you always have one of us by your side?” 

You rolled your eyes, an amused smile curving your lips. 

“Yes, I kind of realised but I just thought the two of you were too bored without me” 

“Well, that too” he winked at you and you laughed. 

“I’m just not very hungry” you said, eyeing the food again with a pout “But I suppose I should try to eat” 

He nodded. 

“Try and eat what you can, I’ll eat the rest and I’ll tell Ivar you ate everything” 

You giggled, nodding. But you regretted it too soon. Not even four bites later, you left the plate on the ground next to you abruptly, standing up and leaving your spot to go hide behind one of the trees. Hvitserk arrived when you were already on your knees, coughing and throwing up the little amount of food you had just eaten. Your entire body shivered and you took a deep breath, touching your own forehead with discomfort. 

“Y/N? Fuck” Hvitserk ran a hand over his braided hair “What happened?” 

“I don’t know” you moaned, sitting next to the tree and rubbing your face with your hands “I just.. I can’t eat anything! The smell just makes me sick, and I’m so tired all the time, Gods” you sighed. 

“Have you tried sleeping instead of fucking my little brother every time you go to bed?” Hvitserk raised an eyebrow, crouching next to you and nearly losing his balance when you pushed him. 

“I’m serious, Hvitty, I feel sick and tired and… Heavy, like I always do when I…”

You frowned, trying to remember when was the last time you bled. Life was pretty hectic in the camp, so you didn’t think too much about it. In fact, you had forgotten about it. 

But you definitely should have bled already, because a moon and a half had passed at least since the last time.

The sudden realisation hit you so hard that you nearly started throwing up again. 

“Y/N?” Hvitserk sounded concerned now “Is everything alright? You’ve gone pale… Should I go find help?”

“No” you grabbed his arm, your heart beating faster and faster “I’m fine, I…” you gulped, shaking your head “I think I’m with child, Hvitserk” 

The two of you stood in silence for a few moments. You touched your belly softly, still not truly believing it. Hvitserk blinked a couple of times, his eyes travelling from your hand to your face a few times before opening his mouth. 

“Like… With a child in there?” 

“Yes, Hvitserk, that’s the point of being with child” you chuckled, suddenly feeling a warmth spreading inside your chest. 

“Am I going to be an uncle?” he smiled widely when he saw you giggling, and you couldn’t hold back the tears of happiness that filled your eyes. 

“I think you might” you whispered “Gods, I’m still not sure” but you couldn’t stop smiling “We can’t tell Ivar, not yet, not until I’m completely sure” 

Hvitserk smiled widely next to you too before hugging you tightly. You wept tears of happiness on his shirt, and hugged him back. Finally . 

“You deserve this more than anyone, Y/N” he muttered “You deserve all the good things in this entire world, you know it” 

“Thank you” you took a deep breath “I love you, Hvitty” 

“Now will you let me eat your breakfast?” 

“Hi” you smiled softly at King Harald, who sat next to one of the bonfires “Where’s Ivar?” 

He raised his head to look at you, with a kind small smile on his lips. It was true that you had always been careful around Harald. But this time you were so happy you didn’t even care. Besides, he had never done anything bad to you directly. 

“He’ll be back soon” he shrugged “He went to look for a map he had in your tent” 

You nodded, and were about to leave when he pointed at the chair in front of him. 

“Please, sit down, I feel like we never had the chance to talk” he chuckled “I was always curious about you” 

“Me?” you sat, raising an eyebrow “I didn’t think the king of all Norway would be interested in talking to someone like me?” 

His deep laugh amused you, he shook his head.

“I was always intrigued by you, Y/N” he lifted his horn to his lips to drink “You’re a fierce shieldmaiden, you were a queen, but most importantly, you’re the closest person to Ivar the Boneless, which I can say, by experience, that must not be easy” 

“It isn’t” you chuckled “But love sometimes is not easy”

“True” his smile faded and he nodded slowly “I lost the only woman I’ve ever loved and I also lost the person I loved the most in the world, so yes, in my case love wasn’t easy” 

“At least you had people to love” you offered him a sympathetic smile “There’s many people that never find that” 

He tilted his head with interest. 

“What do you think is better, to love and lose or to never love?” he asked with curiosity, his clear eyes narrowing. 

“I think it depends” you shrugged “Some people prefer to never love anyone, but as I do love someone, I couldn’t tell you whether I’d be happier or not” 

“I think that the good thing about having people you love is sharing what you have with them” he leant his elbows on his legs to stare at you “Look at me, I’m king of all Norway, like I always wanted” he chuckled “But every time I dreamed of it, I had someone by my side to share my joy with” he shot you a sad smile “Gods, all started because a woman told me I wasn’t important enough!” he laughed, shaking his head “And when I started to think about it I saw her by my side, I saw my brother… And then my wife” 

You stood silent, he looked away, somewhere very far away from you. 

“I imagined a family, kids, someone to love and to care for. That’s my biggest regret of them all. That and killing my own brother” 

You sighed, biting your lip. 

“But you got what you wanted” you said softly “You’re king” 

“That’s the thing” he shrugged “I think that what I really wanted wasn’t a crown, but having the people I love around when I got that crown” 

The idea you had about Harald had shifted almost completely. You were still wary, as he was ambitious, smart and sometimes not very loyal, but the pain you could see in his eyes made you feel bad for him. In the end, he was just another broken man with a crown on his head. 

His entire face changed when you heard the crutches behind you. A few moments later, you felt a hand on your shoulder and you turned your head to look at Ivar, whose eyes travelled from Harald to you. 

“Hello” you smiled up at him “I didn’t want to interrupt your meeting, sorry” you stood up nodding at king Harald once “Come to the tent later, alright? I have something to tell you” you bit your lip to hold back a probably too exaggerated smile. 

“I will” he said, nodding, and leant in to kiss you softly “As soon as I can” 

His hand travelled from your waist to your ass, until you slapped it away. 

“Not for that, you idiot” you giggled “It’s important” 

He winked at you before you left, hearing Harald's laugh as you walked away from them. 

“Ah, young love” the king raised his horn in Ivar’s direction “Enjoy it as much as you can” 

“Is this what you wanted to tell me?” Ivar’s arm sneaking around your waist from behind startled you, but made you smile as he kissed your cheek softly “That you will be the one thinking of the plans and the strategies from now on?” 

“I might” you smirked. Your finger traced the lines of ink on the map you were looking at “Who knows, they might be better than yours” 

“Maybe” this time he bit down on your earlobe, and you tilted your head to give him space as his lips travelled down to your neck, finding your soft spot under the ear easily. You let out a sigh and a small moan when he pressed your body against his “I wouldn’t be surprised” 

“I need to talk to you” you whispered, your voice faltering because of his intoxicating lips covering every inch of exposed skin he could reach. 

“Talk, I’m listening” he hummed into your neck, and you shook your head”

“I can’t focus” 

“Make an effort” he smiled against your skin “I’m making an effort right now”

You let yourself enjoy the feeling of his lips and his cold hand caressing your waist and chest for a moment, until his hand travelled down, to that spot between your legs that was already soaking wet for him. 

“Wait” you gasped “A moment” 

He whined in protest, but finally stopped, and you had to lean on the table to turn around, your legs already weak and not very reliable at that moment. You licked your lips nervously and looked into his eyes. For a moment you hesitated. What if he didn’t want children anymore? What if he didn’t want your baby? What if…?

“Is there anything wrong?” he frowned in concern, and you shook your head, mainly to silence that voice that screamed inside your head, anxiously. 

“No, actually…” you took a deep breath “Some days ago I started feeling unwell, I… Lost my appetite and felt really tired even when I slept well” you cleared your throat “And then I realised I… Hadn’t bled for a while” 

He looked confused and you waited a few moments, waiting for him to comprehend what you were saying. 

“I’m with child, Ivar” 

He didn't react at first. He looked down at you with his lips parted and eyes widened. And then he cracked a smile. The widest smile you had ever seen. And you started giggling. 

“What?” he shook his head “You’re…? My child?” he looked down, to your belly. After waiting some time, you were starting to feel a slight bump on your belly, one that made you cry in happiness every time you touched it. 

“Yes” you grabbed his face “Our child”

You didn’t notice you had started crying until he kissed you and it was wet. Not so long ago you wouldn’t have even dared to dream of this kind of happiness. The way Ivar smiled against your lips warmed your entire body more than a thousand days of sun. 

“Thank you” he muttered “I love you” 

The bed felt even warmer that day. You smiled down as Ivar pressed his forehead against your belly. Your hands caressed his hair slowly, trying to save that moment in your memory.

“I know it’s too soon and you probably can’t hear me” he muttered against your skin “I just wanted to tell you that I love you, that you are a gift, and that you have the most amazing mother anyone could wish for” he smiled “And that I already know that the day I see you walking is going to be the proudest and happiest day of my life” 

That brought the tears back, even if you weren’t sure if they had ever left. He kissed your skin again softly, before crawling back to you, to kiss you. He was crying too, but couldn’t stop smiling. 

“How are we going to name him?” he frowned suddenly, breaking the kiss. That made you laugh. 

“ Him ? We don’t know the gender, Ivar” you chuckled “Besides, it’s still early, I might…”

“No” he shook his head “Don’t say it. Everything will go well” 

You nodded. You needed to believe that too, because the other option was unimaginable. He laid down next to you, his hand still on your womb. You laid on your side, facing him and with your fingers absentmindedly tracing the ink lines that covered his shoulders. But when you looked up again, you pressed your lips together. 

“Your eyes are blue, Ivar” 

He looked away, rubbing his eyes with a grimace on his face. You had noticed it, him limping a bit more, grunts of pain whenever he walked, him grabbing his leg when he thought no one was looking, drinking more ale or mead… 

“You should rest a bit more” you kissed his shoulder softly “Maybe not walk that much? Stay in bed, or sitting” 

“I can’t, Y/N” he sighed “I’m fine, it’s just a few bad days, things will go back to normal, and I have an army to lead” he shrugged. 

“But…”

“I am fine” he interrupted you, shaking his head and looking at you “It will be fine, stop worrying” he kissed your temple again “Now, what names do you like?” 

You smiled, shaking your head. 

“Ragnar?” you frowned “Too obvious?” 

“Yes, maybe” he chuckled.

“Hvitserk? Floki?” you raised an eyebrow. Ivar rolled his eyes when you said his brother’s name, but you saw him smile a bit. 

Floki . It would be nice to name his child after that old fool that raised him. Ivar wondered if he was still alive. He had to be, because the Gods would have told him in some way if he wasn’t, a man like Floki couldn’t enter Valhalla unnoticed. 

“I like Sigtryggr” he muttered. He didn’t remember where he had heard it, but for some reason it had stayed with him since then. There was something about that name that he liked. 

“I like it” you smiled fondly “Aslaug?” 

Ivar’s smile faded. So many people had said the name of Ragnar Lothbrok since his death. Everyone knew him, everyone knew what he did. But no one said the name of the woman that gave him four sons, that waited for him at home and raised those children all alone, the woman that ruled his kingdom in his absence and the first woman to save Ivar’s life. 

“Yes” he nodded “If it’s a girl, Aslaug” 

You nodded. It was decided then. Sigtryggr or Aslaug. Whether it was one or the other, you couldn’t wait to meet them. 

“Or we could name her after you” Ivar’s nose was pressed against your temple now. 

“I’m not that important” you rolled your eyes with a smile on your face “Ivar Ragnarsson’s daughter should have an important name” 

“You are important to me” he shrugged “And to our people, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you”

“Oh I think you’re exaggerating now” you laughed “You’re Ivar the Boneless, of course you’d be here” 

“Igor once told me something that got me thinking” he continued, ignoring you “You know how the Christians worship their God? They say he’s their salvation” he raised an eyebrow “That they were saved by his grace, or something like that” he scrunched his nose in annoyance “I don’t really care about the details”

“Are you going to start worshipping the Christian God now?” you giggled.

“No” he smiled softly “I’m going to worship you” he pressed his forehead against yours “Because I was saved too, by your grace” 

Your smile faded slowly. Looking into his eyes, you kissed him again, and again. You would spend your entire life kissing him if you could. Especially after hearing that. 

“What’s gotten into you today?” you muttered against his lips “You’re very… Sweet” 

“Don’t get used to it though” he bit your cheek “I love you” 

The second time that day. In less than two hours. The Gods really smiled down to you that day. 

The kisses deepened. Your hands travelled down his chest until you reached the hem of his pants. It was already getting hard when you reached it, and you couldn’t help but smirk as you kissed his neck and chest, making him gasp and moan. His fingers found your sex and your grip on his cock faltered. With a triumphant smile, he pushed you carefully so you’d lay on your back and crawled between your legs, his lips barely leaving yours in the process.

The muscles of his arms and back tensed under your fingers as he laid above you, using his forearms to support himself and not put all of his weight on you. 

“Be careful down there” he muttered, looking down to your womb. You started laughing. 

“I’m sorry to break it to you, love, but you’re not that big” you bit his lower lip with a smirk. Ivar raised an eyebrow and thrusted into you without a warning. Your smirk faded and you moaned, your nails digging into his back. 

“I don’t hear you complaining” he whispered into your ear, biting down on your neck when your walls clenched around him. His lips travelled down to your chest, kissing, biting and licking every inch of skin he found, groaning and moaning. You’d swear you heard an ‘ I love you ’ at some point, but you were way too lost into the ocean of his eyes to be sure. 

It didn’t look good. You looked around, seeing all those men carrying the catapults Ivar had had done. Picking up their shields and weapons. You carried your weapon too, had braided your hair and were ready for battle, but your place that day was beside Ivar. Like during the first battle, you promised you wouldn’t engage. 

Remember what happened the last time . 

You agreed with him. But there was something wrong, you could feel it. The saxons were supposed to surrender. Alfred would call for a truce and they would sit down and negotiate. That would give you time to reassemble and even wait for other northmen to join you, as you were sure that Ivar’s ambition had reached the ears of more than one Earl. But Alfred had said no. Now you had to fight. 

“Catapults!” Ivar yelled next to you. You searched for Hvitserk, taking a deep breath when you spotted him not so far away. You trusted him. He would make it out alive. 

“Loose!” 

The saxon cross was burned. They screamed and ran from the fire that came from the sky for them, but you didn’t take your eyes off of Alfred. He was there, standing, looking at Ivar. The loud noise of the axes hitting the shields, the cries of war of your own people only made your stomach clench now. For some reason. 

“Ivar” you grabbed his arm gulping “We’re going to win, right?” 

He had to know. He was Ivar, the smartest person you knew. His plan, his battle, his victory. 

But he just looked back at you, grabbing your face to kiss your forehead before whispering.

“I hope we do” 

“What would you do if I died?” 

You froze. Turning around very slowly, you looked at him and stared at him, confused and terrified at the same time. 

“What?” 

Ivar looked down, and for the first time you saw some hesitation on his face. He licked his lips. 

“I’m getting weaker and weaker every day” 

Your heart nearly stopped. You took a deep breath and approached him slowly. You were all alone in the tent, Hvitserk just left after drinking a bit with you before going to sleep. And Ivar had been a bit quiet. 

“What are you talking about, Ivar?” 

His eyes looked down to his legs. Earlier that day, he had tripped again. This time you were sure the bone was broken, but he didn’t let you examine it too much, because he was too busy with his plan for the battle. 

“My eyes are deep blue now, it’s been a few days and… I just want to be sure you know it can happen, so you’re ready” 

“I would never be ready for that” you shook your head “Don’t ask me to prepare for it” 

“If it happens” he kept talking “I want you to raise our child and keep living” he grabbed your hand as soon as you were close enough “Promise me” 

You were already crying, your heart breaking with the mere thought of it. It was already difficult to breathe. 

“Ivar, please don’t say…”

“Promise me, Y/N” he insisted “Hvitserk can help you, but if it happens, whenever it happens, I want to know you’ll be fine”

“I won’t” you sobbed “I can’t” 

“Of course you can, my love” he caressed your cheek “We knew this could happen”

“It’s just your bones” you muttered “They have broken and healed a thousand times, why wouldn’t they do it now?” 

His sad smile only confirmed what you already feared. It was much more than just his bones failing. 

“I’m not saying it’s going to happen” he repeated “Just that it could, I’m still here” he cupped your face to make you look at him “I don’t want to see you cry” 

“Then don’t make me cry” you rubbed your eyes, shaking your head. 

“Promise me” he whispered, his forehead against yours. 

“Fine, I promise” you nodded “But don’t give up, Ivar” you closed your eyes “Not today” 

Ivar looked at Hvitserk, nodding. You could see the excitement and the satisfaction in your friend’s eyes when he grabbed his axe tightly. 

“Charge!”

And so it began. 

You didn’t take your eyes off of Hvitserk, wanting to scream every time a saxon soldier approached him. But he cut them down easily. Hvitserk found his own element in battle. Next to you, Ivar wouldn’t stop looking at him either, with his lips pressed together in concern. Even if out of the three of you, Hvitserk was the best fighter. He always had been. 

Ivar was the mind, Hvitserk the body. That’s how they worked. 

“I’m worried about him, Y/N” 

You knew what he was talking about. The two of you had seen it, how Ivar had excused himself and left limping way more than he should, grabbing his leg and with his jaw clenched. You didn’t want to overwhelm him even more, so you stood there, sitting next to the fire with Hvitserk. 

“He needs to rest” you muttered “He’ll get better”

He didn’t reply, biting his lip as he watched you. You were obviously as worried as him, constantly watching Ivar, being careful around him. But he didn’t want to tell you what he was thinking. He didn’t want to hurt you. 

“We’re at war” he shrugged “There’s only so much rest he can get” 

“Well then I’ll put him in a ship back to Kattegat if it’s necessary” you scoffed. 

His disease had never been a problem to you. And what if he couldn’t walk without crutches? He had shown everyone more than once that he was able to do anything he wanted. The problem was the pain… If you could have taken all that pain from him you would have done it a long time ago. He wasn’t going to die. You wouldn’t let him. 

Hel, Odin himself would have to come down if he wanted to be even close to him. And you’d be willing to fight him. 

Hvitserk felt uneasy. He had always thought that his fate was to kill his brother, but now… He didn’t want to. He wouldn’t do it. That was his baby brother, the one he used to pull in a waggon around Kattegat when he was a kid. The one with whom he had spent entire nights when he couldn’t sleep. The one he had defended from other kids when they messed with him. The one he had given advice to when he confessed he liked you. 

He had the chance to kill him in Kiev, and he didn’t do it. Because he could have been a tyrant, a madman, cruel and ruthless. But it was Ivar. His brother. 

And to see him like that hurt him as much as if he was the one suffering that pain. He put an arm around you when he noticed you had tears falling down your cheeks, and looked up to the sky, hoping the Gods were looking. 

Don’t take him, he thought, not today. 

You were losing. For some reason, and even if you outnumbered the Saxons, they were winning. You felt Ivar tensing and panting next to you, and gasped when someone hit Hvitserk, making him stumble and fall on his knees. Your grip on his arm tightened, scared. You just wanted to grab Hvitserk, grab Ivar and leave that place. You shouldn’t have come to England, you shouldn’t have…

Ivar turned to you. You knew what he was thinking as soon as you saw his face, but he kissed you softly before you could protest. 

“No” you said, your voice shaky “No, Ivar, don’t” 

“I will be back” he shook his head “Don’t worry, stay here” 

“I’m going with you”

“You’re not” he pushed you back, his expression completely serious as he nodded to the two shieldmaidens that flanked you. You felt your heart almost stopping when he started walking to the battlefield. 

His scream made you sob. You ran to his side almost immediately. His eyes were so blue it terrified you. You tried to make him change his mind again, but he shook his head no. And he kept walking. 

Your hand touched your belly again. It had grown a bit more in the past few days. You knew that going in there would probably mean death, for you and for your baby. But you couldn’t see Ivar anymore, nor hear him over the noises of the battle. And you could barely breathe. 

You cut down a few saxons easily, making your way into the battle until you finally saw him. He screamed to the sky. You wanted to scream too, call your Gods. Why weren’t they there with you? Why had they abandoned you? 

You kept approaching him, even if it got harder and harder with every step. You’d rather die than see him die. 

Someone attacked you from behind, and someone else blocked the blow. You nearly sobbed in relief when you saw Hvitserk. 

“What are you doing here?!” he yelled “Are you mad?!” 

“I have to get him, Hvitserk!” you cried, and this time you cut off someone’s head, your back pressed against his “Please!” 

He nodded, but the two of you were surrounded, and you could only fight your way out. When you spotted Ivar, looking at you, you nearly smiled in relief, but Hvitserk falling down distracted you. 

“Get up!” you grabbed his arm “Come on, I can’t take care of the two of you at the same time” you tried to smile, but it ended up looking more like a grimace, because you couldn’t stop sobbing. 

Hvitserk did get up, grabbing your arm and looking around. It was the first time you saw the panic in his eyes. And you tightened your grip on his arm. 

Your eyes have turned deep blue, Ivar. 

You know what that means, remember?

We used to watch over you. 

We knew that, when your eyes turned blue, you were in great danger of breaking your bones.

And we would say ‘Not today, Ivar. Not today’

He finally reached you. He threw his axe to a man that approached you, and you turned to look at him with tears of both relief and desperation. 

“Ivar” you sobbed, you cupped his face and his hand grabbed your wrist softly 

“I told you to stay away” he shook his head. 

“Let’s go” you muttered “Let’s leave this place, let’s go home, please” you begged “Please Ivar I want to go home” 

“We can't” he shook his head “I can’t” 

“Why?” you sobbed “Please” you hid your face into his neck “Come with me” 

“Y/N” he whispered into your hair “Y/N look at me” 

You could barely appreciate that shade of blue you loved so much now, but you still obeyed him.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me” he smiled sadly “You’re the reason I’m here, you’re everything, I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone” 

“No” you shook your head “No”

“I need you to leave this battle” he pressed his forehead against yours “I need you to survive and raise our child and see him walk for the first time, and I need you to tell him I love him” 

You grabbed his vest with what you thought was all the strength you had, but he pushed your hand away softly with a sad smile and the tears running down. 

“I won’t do any of that without you” you shook your head.

“You promised me” he whispered again “Please” 

You felt like you had been pierced by a thousand swords, barely feeling your own heartbeat now as he kissed you one last time. You tried to memorise the taste of his lips, the feeling of his body against yours and the softness of his hair. But as soon as you nodded, he kissed your forehead again and turned to look at Hvitserk. 

Everything slowed down. You could barely hear them over the noise of the battle but you stared at him, like you had done for so many years. It was the same boy that caught your attention since you stepped in Kattegat. The same boy you had followed out of that Hall, that you had kissed, married, loved and hated at the same time. 

You couldn’t leave him. 

But Hvitserk didn’t let you. He grabbed you shaking his head and pulling you away. You maybe screamed, but you couldn’t even hear yourself. 

I love you brother.

I love you.

“Go!” Ivar yelled, pushing him away “Take her and go! The two of you!” 

“No” you shook your head and fought as hard as you could, but Hvitserk took you away, and you could only stare at Ivar as he smiled at you. 

Hvitserk sobbed next to you. The two of you fell to the ground, and you suddenly had no strength to fight anymore. 

Ivar yelled again, hitting his own chest with his sword to try and take the attention off of you. He smiled, almost like he had smiled during that battle in York, when the rest of the world saw what you had always seen. 

You are Ivar, son of Ragnar Lothbrok.

and many are there who fear you.

But not you. You never feared him. Not even at his worst. 

One day, everyone will know

of Ivar the Boneless.

You would make sure of that. 

And then it happened. 

You saw the dagger. You saw the man stabbing him. One, two, three and even five times. You didn’t hear your own scream, but he did. 

And when his legs finally failed, you were there to catch him. You always were. 

“I love you” you muttered against his neck “I love you” 

You didn’t know how many times you repeated it. The battle seemed to have stopped, but you couldn’t care less. You could hear Hvitserk next to him, but didn’t look up, instead you put your head against his chest, to listen to his heartbeat. Until you stopped hearing it, and the arm he had around you fell to the ground, lifeless. 

You had been in pain before. You had suffered multiple wounds, scars, hits that hurt a lot, that brought tears to your eyes. You had suffered the pain of rejection, of heartbreak and of desperation. But no pain could compare to the one you felt when you looked into his eyes and they didn’t look back to you. 

The worst part was the silence. His absence. The constant reminder that he wasn't’ next to you nor behind you. That he would never hug you from behind again, that you wouldn’t hear his laugh nor feel his lips or hear his crutch as he approached you, you would never look into that shade of blue you loved so much. Or his voice. Gods, were you already forgetting the sound of his voice? 

That he was under that pile of rocks now. To which you stared constantly, almost believing he would come out of nowhere, scolding you for taking so long. 

He didn’t. 

You always talked about how I saved you, Ivar.

But how about all those times you saved me? 

Why didn’t you let me save you one last time?

Silence. You would never get an answer. 

Every time you closed your eyes his face would appear. But you couldn’t keep them closed for too long, because the longer you saw him, the harder it was to open them again and find his empty spot. Now you’d have to learn how to live without him. And without the part of you he had taken with him. 

Hvitserk stood next to you. You turned to look at him with desperation, and he just hugged you. You were relieved for a moment, because you knew he was feeling exactly the same. That you weren’t alone. 

Your hand tightened around the necklace that hang from your neck. It was Ivar’s mjölnir, the one he always carried with him. It had been a gift from Floki, and you remembered how attached he was to it. Before the battle, he had given it to you. 

You need more protection than I do at this moment.

You protested, but he had ignored you until you accepted the gift. You thought that maybe the Gods’ protection would be enough for him. He was Ivar the Boneless, son of Ragnar, he always had protection. 

You would have loved to kneel in front of his grave and say some words. You did kneel and your hand touched one of the rocks softly, but no words left your mouth for he already knew everything, or so you hoped, as you had been showing him from the first day. 

I love you.

Hvitserk sat next to you. His green eyes were still full of tears as he watched his little brother’s grave with a sad smile. He was more than proud to say he was his brother, that he had seen him at his highest and at his lowest, that he had loved and hated him at the same time. You looked at him and stood up, leaving him alone so he could say goodbye. You didn’t say it because you couldn’t. 

Walking away from the grave, searching for a place where breathing wouldn’t hurt that much, you found yourself maybe too close to king Alfred. He had been surprisingly compassionate and understanding with you, and he stared at you now with a kind smile. 

“I was told you’re with child” he said when you were close enough. Instinctively, your hand covered your womb. You had hoped you could hide it for a bit more until you found a way to escape, so they wouldn’t hurt your child.

Because, surely, they wouldn’t allow Ivar’s child to live, right?

You tensed when he approached you, and he stopped moving immediately, raising his hand so the bodyguards that surrounded him wouldn’t get closer to you. 

“If you decide to stay in England, I will give you a home and whatever you need to take care of your child” he explained softly. 

“Why?” you muttered with a shaky voice. What did he want in return?

“Because children are never responsible for the sins of their fathers” he sighed “And because God wouldn’t want me to leave a mother and her child abandoned”

You looked back at the grave, to Hvitserk. You hadn’t talked about what you’d do now, but you didn’t want to leave his side, and where would you go anyway? It’s not like you could go back to Kattegat all alone. And you didn’t want to. 

In fact, you wished to stay away from Norway, at least for now. 

“I don’t know” you muttered, shaking your head. It felt wrong to think about the future now, almost like you were betraying him.

“Take your time to mourn and think” Alfred nodded “But know I’m not your enemy, Y/N, and that I admired and respected your husband and I won’t let his wife and child suffer any harm for as long as I am king” 

You nodded, wanting to thank him but unable to say the words. 

Hvitserk raised his head to look at you, still sat next to Ivar’s grave, a sad smile on his lips. 

“So, hail and farewell, my brother” he sighed “I’ll take care of them” 

He knew he was supposed to leave soon, go talk to Alfred and to you, and leave his brother behind because he had already said goodbye. But he didn’t really want to. 

“I’m just going to sit here for a while” he muttered “I’m sure you don’t mind”

“Sigtryggr!” 

The little boy looked your way as soon as he heard you. He had been sitting outside, playing with some of his wooden toys as you watched him and cooked dinner, grateful to have some of the workers of the farm helping you to watch him. Sigtryggr was especially obsessed with goats, and you could always find him running around them. He shot you a wide smile and stood up clumsily as you approached him. You couldn’t help but smile every time you saw him walking towards you. 

Picking him up gently, you kissed his cheek as he hugged your neck. 

“Dinner is ready, aren’t you hungry?” 

Your son nodded while you walked back to the house, stopping again when he let out an excited shriek. Even though you already knew who it was, as he was the only person in this world that would make Sigtryggr react like that, you still turned around, smiling softly. 

“Uncle Hvitserk!” the boy writhed in your arms excitedly until you let him go, running as fast as his little legs allowed him. Hvitserk had a wide smile on his lips when he picked him up after leaving his horse to one of the workers in the farm. Well, technically he was Athelstan now, but you couldn’t care less. He would always be Hvitserk, your Hvitty, to you. 

“I didn’t know if you’d arrive for dinner” you smiled at him as soon as he approached you. Hvitserk kissed your cheek softly and nodded.

“King Alfred allowed me to leave early” he shrugged “He sends his regards” 

You nodded, entering the house and closing the door after he was inside with your son.

“When will you leave again for Winchester?” you asked, filling three wooden bowls with the food you just cooked as Hvitserk tried to keep Sigtryggr still on his seat. 

“In a few days, I guess” he shrugged “I thought you could maybe come with me this time? It would be good for you to be around other people, and Sigtryggr could play with other children”

You sighed, but nodded slowly. Maybe a little trip to Winchester would be nice, and it was true that Sigtryggr needed more children around to play and socialise. 

“How’s everything going around here?” he winked at his nephew, who was distracted now with the food and only stopped eating to stare at his uncle with excited eyes. He might have inherited his father’s eyes, but his appetite was Hvitserk’s. 

“Sigtryggr helped to feed the new baby goat that was born last week, didn’t you?” you giggled, leaning in to wipe the corner of his mouth softly. The little boy nodded proudly and Hvitserk chuckled. 

“You definitely inherited that from your grandfather” he ruffled his dark hair “Would you like to know what other things your grandfather did?” he whispered, and his tone was enough to catch Sigtryggr’s attention, who widened his deep blue eyes with interest. 

After cleaning the wooden table when dinner was finished, you sat down to watch them. The days Hvitserk was at home were your favourite, because he would tell Sigtryggr stories about his past, about his ancestors, the Gods, Scandinavia and Kattegat, and you were free to watch your son and take in all of those features that reminded you so much of him.

Sigtryggr had his eyes. You were more than thankful for that, as you were too saddened by the possibility of forgetting the exact tone of blue. He had his hair colour too, and he was smart. But he also had some things inherited from you, Hvitserk always said he had your nose, and you liked that, because it was a reminder of what Ivar and you had created together. 

Some days were harder than others. You learnt to live with that emptiness inside you, and even if you knew you would never get over it, it was easier with time. One day you realised you could think about him and remember the good moments, with a smile on your face instead of a lump in your throat. Of course there had been happiness and bright days, and you learnt to enjoy those without feeling guilty for not spending every single day mourning him. 

The day Sigtryggr walked for the first time, Hvitserk was there. You smiled and giggled in happiness as your baby reached your arms. Instinctively you had turned around to look behind you. Hvitserk had tears in his eyes but also laughed. It felt good to be able to share your happiness with someone else. And even if you cried that night until you fell asleep, you were truly happy. 

Because you kept what you promised to him, you saw his son grow up, walk for the first time, and you told him every single day how much you loved him, and how much his father loved him even if he wasn’t there to tell him. 

Sometimes you’d panic, waking up in the middle of the night all alone in your bed, thinking you had forgotten how his touch felt, or the softness of his lips against your skin. Or his laugh. It could happen, but you tried your best every day to remember all of those things, as you’d have to live without him for longer than you had lived with him. 

“I’m going to go to bed” you muttered, leaving your seat to approach them. Hvitserk turned his head to look at you, smiling and nodding. 

“I’ll put him to bed, don’t worry” he said as you leant in to kiss his cheek “Go rest” 

“Good night, my boy” you kneeled next to the little boy, who hugged your neck again. 

“Good night, mom” he muttered “I love you” 

“I love you too” you kissed his forehead “Now, when uncle Hvitserk says you’re going to bed, you don’t whine and obey him, yes?” 

He nodded quickly, but the malice that glistened in his eyes and the little smirk told you otherwise.

“You deal with him tonight” you chuckled as Hvitserk frowned softly “Good night, Hvitty”

When you got into bed, the usual anxiousness hit you again. You would never get used to getting into a cold bed, without his arms sneaking around your waist and pulling you closer. That was the hardest part of the day, when you tried so hard to bring him back even if it was just inside your head. You closed your eyes, relaxing immediately. And it was like someone was there with you, his cheek pressing against yours, his breath hitting your face and his arms around you. You could hear the beating of his heart. 

And you wouldn’t ever forget the sound of his voice, because it was there, in your head, as you fell asleep. 

“Hello, my love” .