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Chapter Text

“I love you,” Zagreus said, his voice low and breathy from exertion. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Hypnos whispered, holding Zagreus close to his chest so he couldn’t see the tears in his eyes as he said it. Zagreus took the hint, nuzzling into Hypnos neck and pressing kisses against the sensitive skin there while he kept rolling his hips into him. Hypnos merely shut his eyes and held on tight, pleasure rolling through him in only the way Zagreus knew how to give him, playing his body like a skilled musician makes his instrument sing.

Zagreus kissed up his jaw and rubbed circles into his hips with his thumbs where he held him down against the bed, and Hypnos focused on remembering the feeling of it all, letting each touch and tingle impress itself into his memory. This night would be all he had left of Zagreus come morning, so every tiny detail mattered: every kiss and huff of breath, every stroke and thrust and tender touch. Hypnos opened himself up to it all, raw and vulnerable, and soaked it all in, drinking deeply of all his lover had to offer him.

“Hypnos,” Zagreus groaned his name into his ear. “Gods, Hypnos, you’re so beautiful. So perfect. I can’t… I’m gonna…”

“Kiss me,” Hypnos huffed the words out without thinking, and with likewise little thought, Zagreus rushed to oblige him, pressing their lips together. Hypnos slid his hands over Zagreus’s back and up his neck into his hair, gripping the untamable strands as he crossed his legs behind Zagreus’s hips to hold him tighter, closer, and drive him over the edge.

Zagreus shuddered, moaning into Hypnos’s desperately passionate kiss as he spilled, and Hypnos only tightened his grip, holding him possessively in place while he still could. 

The wave soon passed, and Zagreus slumped into him, limp and satisfied. 

“So good,” he whispered, pressing lazy kisses into the corner of Hypnos’s mouth, then blinked his eyes back open and looked up at Hypnos once he seemed more collected. “Did you finish?” he asked, a dutiful lover to the last.

“Yes, love,” Hypnos answered, and gave Zagreus one more peck. “Could I make just one more request, though?”

“Anything.”

“Sleep with me? One last time?”

Zagreus chuckled.

“Of course.”

Hypnos hummed contendly, and Zagreus rolled off of him, laying on his back so Hypnos could tuck into his side, head resting on his chest, right over his heart. Zagreus wrapped one arm around Hypnos’s shoulders and held his hand with the other, kissing the top of his head a few times before the call of sleep pulled at him, and he leaned back into the pillows. Hypnos listened to the beat of his lover’s heart as he too drifted off, trying to cling to the sound as long as he could, but it was not in his nature to remain too long awake.

—

Hypnos slept fitfully.

His dreams spiraled through the events of the past few days, how it all came to this. 

All the theorizing conversations, Zagreus’s suspicions and restlessness. The nights he awoke to see Zagreus sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, his broad back looming like a wall between them, and how Hypnos would lean up against him, hug him from behind, and say soothing things to try and lure him back to bed, to get the rest he he so desperately needed.

The day Zagreus made up his mind and asked Hypnos to help, even though they both knew the truth would change everything. How Zagreus stuttered and the tears straining his voice, how he held his hands so reverently, like Hypnos was his only hope.

“You don’t have to do it. I know you could get in serious trouble—”

“I’ll do it,” he interrupted, and Zagreus looked up, shocked.

“Just like that? No questions asked?”

“I want to help you, Zag.” He caressed his face, ran a thumb under his eye to collect a tear. “You deserve to know the truth, whatever the consequences for us both.”

The night they put their plan into action, the drain on his powers, the fear that something could go wrong, that they could be caught before Zagreus even had a chance at finding what he needed. Then the truth, clear as day and cold as night. Zagreus’s mother, out there somewhere, an end to his questions, to his restlessness and melancholy, a light at the end of a tunnel—but a journey Hypnos could not join him on.

The moment he knew that if he asked Zagreus to stay, to forgo any chance at meeting his mother, he would do it for him, and how he promised himself he would never, ever abuse that power. Zagreus needed to do this, and what kind of cruel lover would he be to keep him trapped down there with him when his fate so clearly lied above the surface?

Time slipping through his fingers. Their last night together. This was their last night together. When he woke, Zagreus would go. When he woke, he would lose Zagreus. He would lose his heart. He would be alone.

—

“Hypnos? Hypnos… I have to go.” Zagreus nudged him awake, and Hypnos startled his bleary eyes open when he heard those words.

“Ah… already?” he asked, stumbling up to sitting, his hands clinging to Zagreus’s clothes and skin wherever they could reach. He was dressed already, all prepared to go, but he had let Hypnos sleep in, apparently. He wished he had woken him sooner—or perhaps not. Perhaps it was easier not to have to watch helplessly as his love prepared himself to leave.

“Yes,” Zagreus nodded, and leaned in to give him a long, deep kiss. Hypnos moaned into him, the sound more desperate than pleased, and wrapped his arms over Zagreus’s shoulders. Zagreus pressed closer, too, encircling his back, squeezing him tight, like he might press him right into his chest and keep him there forever. 

“I’ll be back for you someday. I promise, love. I promise,” Zagreus whispered as Hypnos tucked his head under his chin, and kissed along his scalp right where his hair parted.

“I know. I know.”

“I love you so much.” Zagreus laid his cheek against Hypnos’s hair, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

“I know. Me too.”

“This isn’t goodbye forever—”

“I know. But it’s goodbye for now.” Hypnos pulled away, looked him in the eye. Zagreus took in a stuttering breath, seeming to hesitate for a moment, then nodded.

“Yes. It is…” He gulped thickly, and then took Hypnos’s jaw in his hand before giving him one last lingering kiss. “Goodbye.”

“So long.” Hypnos squeezed his hand as Zagreus rose from the bed, their gaze connected, lingering so long he almost wondered if Zagreus would ever look away, but then their fingers slipped appart and Zagreus sighed, backing out through the door and into the courtyard.

Hypnos wrapped his arms around his knees, his bottom half still covered by the cold sheets. Behind him, he heard the sounds of Zagreus’s escape, but he didn’t watch. He had to collect himself and return to work—he’d already been away far too long.

Chapter Text

When Zagreus walked up the steps out of the pool of Styx not twenty minutes after leaving, Hypnos realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach that things were not going to be so simple after all. Zagreus, for his part, looked confused as he brushed the bloody water from his hair, then guilty as he made eye contact with Hypnos down the hall.

Hypnos gulped, and looked down at his list. He’d been killed by a common lout in Tartarus, so he couldn’t have made it very far.

“Uh, hey Hypnos,” Zagreus greeted him, voice caged with caution.

“Hey yourself, Zag. Looks like you got pummeled to death by a lout… I take it that was not part of the plan?” he asked.

“No. Um… this is going to be a lot harder than I thought, it seems,” Zagreus answered, and Hades chuckled cruelly from his desk, apparently eavesdropping on their conversation. Zagreus winced at that, then sighed, and gave Hypnos another apologetic look. “Can we talk about this… later? Maybe in my room?”

“Sure, Zag,” Hypnos nodded, and Zagreus flashed him one last smile before he left to go see what his father had to say. 

While his stint in Tartarus had been brief, things had certainly been eventful for them back at the house. Hades was obviously angry as soon as he realized what his son was planning, but Cerberus had taken it the worst, trashing the lounge in his grief over the missing prince. Hypnos was almost jealous, since he could only express his grief quietly and to himself, but he was grieving nonetheless.

Once Zagreus seemed done talking to the other members of the house, he threw a glance over his shoulder at Hypnos, tilted his head towards his room, and then disappeared down the hall. Hypnos sighed, setting down his work that, to be fair, he hadn’t really been doing anyways, and followed him.

“So… um, well, this is embarrassing,” Zagreus said as soon as Hypnos was past the curtains.

“That you got killed by a common lout or that you’re back here after… you know?” Hypnos asked.

“Both,” Zagreus nodded, his face flushed and eyes looking anywhere but at Hypnos.

“So… what does this mean? I assume you’re going to try again,” Hypnos said.

“Yes. But, clearly, it's going to take me a while, which means I’ll still be around the house on occasion, which....” Zagreus trailed off, his eyes slowly finding their way back to Hypnos’s face.

“Sort of makes the whole last night together thing a bit of an overreaction?” Hypnos finished for him.

“Yeah. Well, sort of,” Zagreus bit his lip like he really didn’t want to say what he was going to say next. “Hypnos, I still think… maybe we should keep our distance, even if I’m going to be around.”

“What? Why?” Hypnos asked.

“I just… I don’t know if I can take it, knowing every time I see you might be the last—”

“That should be all the more reason to make use of the time we do have,” Hypnos cut him off.

“No, Hypnos. I’m sorry, but I need to focus on getting out of here. And we already said our goodbyes. I think it’d be best to leave it at that,” Zagreus said, though his eyes were lowered once more, unable to meet Hypnos’s gaze. 

“And you don’t think… that will be just as hard? Seeing each other each time you die and having to just… pretend we don’t feel the way we do?” Hypnos said, fighting back tears.

“I know. It’s bad either way, but—I can’t do it. I need the break to be clean, if I want to ever get out of here.”

Hypnos turned away from him, wiping at his eyes to keep his cheeks dry as tears threatened to fall.

“I… I understand,” he said with a strained voice, and behind him he could hear the painful sigh Zagreus released. Silently, he crossed the room to him and wrapped his arms around Hypnos’s waist, hugging him from behind and laying his head on his shoulder. Any anger he’d been holding simply left him at the feeling of such a tender embrace, and at last the dam broke, his tears spilling forth accompanied by loud sobs.

“I’m sorry. I know I’m being selfish,” Zagreus said, his voice muffled into Hypnos’s quilted cape. “But if… if it would really hurt you too much, I…”

“No, no,” Hypnos shook his head, sniffling to cut off his sobs. “You need to do this. I understand. I mean it”

“Really? We don’t have to,” Zagreus asked, and though Hypnos hesitated for a moment, he soon nodded because the only thing that felt worse than losing Zagreus was selfishly forcing him to be with him. 

“I’ll be okay,” Hypnos whispered and pulled Zagreus’s hands away from his waist so he had space to turn around to face him. “I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard.” He trailed his hands into Zagreus’s hair and rested their foreheads together.

“I know. I know.” Zagreus leaned into the touch, his eyes falling shut.

“I love you,” Hypnos breathed the words against him.

“I love you too,” Zagreus whispered back, and pressed their lips together for one last long, deep, mournful kiss. Hypnos realized with a sinking in his stomach that Zagreus was right: kissing him like this, when he knew he would soon be gone, only made his chest ache more, longing to have what he could not. 

They were both out of breath when at last they pulled apart, and Hypnos frowned, putting a finger over Zagreus’s lips.

“You broke the rule,” he said.

“Sorry. I thought you’d want one last kiss,” Zagreus replied.

“Well, I… I did, but… that's it! That’s the last one!” Hypnos said.

“Right, yes,” Zagreus nodded, stepping away and folding his arms behind his back, as if he would be compelled to touch Hypnos again were he not restraining himself. “Things will be… strictly professional between the two of us from now until I make it out of here.”

“And if you get tempted to break the rules again, just remember you were the one who asked for this,” Hypnos said, crossing his arms and giving Zagreus his best reprimanding look.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Zagreus scrunched his face up guiltily, and Hypnos couldn’t help chuckling a little.

“Now, are you going to go out there and die again, or what?” he said.

“That’s the plan,” Zagreus nodded. “So, um… bye. For now.”

“For now,” Hypnos agreed, and after staring into each other’s eyes perhaps a moment too long, they both turned around and left through separate doors.

—

Hypnos did his best to put on a smile each time he saw Zagreus return to the house and joke with him about whatever it was that killed him if only to assure him that he was doing okay under their new agreement. If anything, Zagreus seemed to be taking it harder than him, always giving him longing looks, his eyes full of guilt, but they hadn’t spoken of it since that first time. They promised to be professional, and so they were. They acted as if they’d never been together in the first place, made no references to their relationship nor the agreement they were under.

But behind his smile, Hypnos was torn up inside. How could he not be, when each day he saw the man he loved, the man he knew loved him in return, and could not even tell him as much, nor kiss or embrace him? It was torture.

And worst of all, it seemed Zagreus would be stuck trying to break free for a very, very long time. It would almost be better, he thought, if after all that it had only been four or five attempts before Zagreus reached the surface and left him behind for some yet undetermined length of time. But as it was, he had to see him again and again and again with no end in sight to this cruelty.

When Zagreus was not around to give him an excuse to appear collected, Hypnos was racked with grief— sick with it, almost. He was unable to do his work some days, simply lying in his bed with a terrible ache in his core, longing for Zagreus. He’d heard of heartbreak, but this was something else entirely, as if his body was reacting physically to the pain of separation. And it only seemed to be getting worse, not better. In fact, he felt fine when this first began, terribly sad, sure, but not this all this pain and ache and nausea. It had taken a few weeks to develop, and then worsened over the first two months of Zagreus’s numerous departures.

Hypnos began to wonder if something else was wrong with him, but didn’t know who to ask. Zagreus was the only one he could imagine going to for help, but he couldn’t. If he knew what his absence was doing to Hypnos, he would surely abandon his mission to be there for him, and after all his effort, Hypnos refused to be the one to hold him back now.

So he suffered in silence and solitude, lonely to his core.

Chapter Text

“Hypnos, this is absolutely unacceptable. I’ve never seen you get this behind on work. I mean, this should have been submitted months ago, what is it still doing here?” Thanatos reprimanded him, going through Hypnos’s documents with little resistance, or even acknowledgement, from Hypnos himself. He had felt somewhat better than usual that morning, so he’d actually gotten up and gone to work, but then he was hit with a wave of cramps and a pounding headache, so he was basically just a floating ball of pain, doing everything in his power to hide how sick he really felt from his brother.

“And why have I heard that you’ve been skipping shifts? I certainly hope what I was told was an exaggeration, or you are going to be in serious trouble. Do you understand? Are you even listening to me?” Thanatos continued, and Hypnos groaned internally, because now he actually had to respond.

“I hear you loud and clear,” he mumbled out, but his discomfort was clear in his voice. Still, he expected Thanatos to just continue with his rant, so he looked up in surprise when he realized his brother had gone silent and was staring at him with actual worry in his eyes.

“Hypnos. Is something… wrong?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” Hypnos tried to flash a reassuring smile, but clearly it didn’t work, because Thanatos merely frowned harder.

“You look—” he started, reaching out to touch Hypnos’s forehead, but Hypnos squeaked and backed away, not wanting him to feel his clammy skin. “—sick.”

“Gods don’t get sick, silly,” Hypnos said, then winced at an especially painful cramp.

“Then why do you look like you’re in pain?” Thanatos insisted, and at last Hypnos sighed, defeated.

“Because I am. Okay? You got me. I’m sick,” he said.

“But, how?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm,” Thanatos hummed. “How long has this been going on?”

“A… couple months,” Hypnos admitted.

“Months? Hypnos, no wonder you haven’t been—” Thanatos started, then shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“What am I supposed to say? I doubt anyone would know how to help me, anyways,” Hypnos shrugged.

“Does Zagreus know?” Thanatos asked then, his voice getting low, and Hypnos gulped.

“Please don’t tell him,” he whispered.

“Why haven’t you told him?” Thanatos pressed.

“Because he—” Hypnos paused, wincing at another wave of pain. “Because he’d give up if he knew. He’d think it was his fault, and that he needed to be here for me, or something like that.”

“And you don’t want that? You don’t want him to stay?” Thanatos asked, hands on his hips and starting to look angry again.

“No. I don't want to be the one holding him back. Not after… everything…” Hypnos looked away, blinking back tears.

“I don’t understand you,” Thanatos shook his head. “Fine. I won’t tell him: that’s your own business. But at least tell Mother Nyx or someone . You can’t just keep pretending you’re fine.”

“I… I’ll think about it,” Hypnos relented.

Thanatos sighed.

“I have to get back to work. But this conversation isn’t over,” he said, and teleported away.

—

The next time Hypnos saw Zagreus, he’d just been defeated by the Champions of Elysium once more, which almost always seemed to be his cause of death these days. He could consistently get through Tartarus, Asphodel, and Elysium now, but had only made it to Styx two or three times, nearly dead after just scraping by in his fight with Theseus and Asterius, and so promptly fell to the satyrs and vermin that infested the temple. He was getting close, but it would be some time yet before he saw the surface.

Still, he smiled when he saw Hypnos, and approached him as he always did, eager to have even a brief conversation with him.

“Looks like Theseus got you again, huh?” Hypnos said. “Have you tried, I don’t know, killing him before he kills you? Just a thought.”

“I’ll have to give that a try,” Zagreus answered, giving a few chuckles before he bit his lip and reached into his robe to procure a bottle of nectar.

“Oh! Is that for me?” Hypnos pointed to himself.

“Well, yes. I’d like you to have it, if that’s alright,” Zagreus nodded.

“You know you don’t need to keep giving me that stuff.” Hypnos hesitated to take it.

“I know, but, I find so much of it out there, I hardly know what to do with it all,” Zagreus shrugged. “And I give this stuff to everyone, so…” he persisted, holding the bottle out even closer to him.

“Fine, alright,” Hypnos relented with a forced smile, not wanting to explain that he wasn’t so much concerned with getting special treatment as he was just feeling guilty for continually taking these gifts when he couldn’t even drink them. He’d tried, but the nectar had only worsened his nausea. “But no more gifts, okay? I’m sure you can find someone else to give this stuff too.”

“Alright, alright,” Zagreus put his hands up. “I’ll be seeing you.”

“Mm,” Hypnos nodded, and watched him walk away, holding that unwanted token of his affection in his hands.

—

Hypnos couldn’t get out of bed. He was wracked with pain, twisting in his gut and rolling up in waves of nauseous aching, like he was being tossed about by the treacherous currents of a riptide. He was sweating, soaking into his heavy sheets, but the air felt chill to his skin, so he kept himself buried beneath the blankets regardless. It was the worst it had ever been, and he felt reduced to nothing, like a mortal praying for either salvation or death. 

He felt something rise up from deep within him then, bubbling in his stomach and rising in his throat, until he realized with a sick, cold sense of dread that he was about to throw up. He threw off the blankets, searching desperately for something to catch his bile, and found an unlucky bowl just in time to keel over it and empty his stomach.

When he was done rechting, he just stared down with an unfocused gaze, panting and utterly shocked. He’d never done that before. He knew what it was, sure, but that was something mortals did, not gods! What could make him, a god, so sick?

Realization began to dawn on him like the slow rays of the sun starting to rise.

No. No, no, no, he couldn’t be! And yet, it was the only explanation.

He put a hand on his stomach. Was it bigger than before? He couldn’t tell. He gulped, closed his eyes, and leaned back against his bed. Perhaps Thanatos was right. Perhaps he did need someone—anyone’s—help. But who to ask? 

Who to tell? 

Who to trust, at a time like this?

Chapter Text

Hypnos held his quilted cape tight around himself, floating in front of Hades’s desk. There was no visible growth, but now that he was aware of it as a possibility, he couldn’t help wanting to hide his stomach.

“I’m struggling to understand.” Hades looked over his records with his head in his hand. “Fifteen missed shifts, weeks of work piled up, countless unscheduled breaks. I don’t expect much from you, Hypnos, but this is… I’m going to have to consider letting you go if this doesn’t improve.”

Hypnos looked up, eyes wide. Thanatos had always said this day would come if he wasn’t careful, but not once had Hades shown signs he was even thinking of firing him.

“I—I’m sorry, sir. I really am, I… I…” he stumbled for words, but found none. He could hardly even admit to himself what the cause of his sickness was, much less say it aloud to Hades, of all people.

“I give you three weeks to catch up on your missed work. If your productivity has not significantly improved by then… well. We’ll continue this conversation then.” Hades put the papers down and lifted his head, his mind made up.

“Y-yes… Master Hades. I’ll do my best,” Hypnos nodded, and slunk back to his post. He knew it was a lie, though. How could he make up all that work, when he still felt just as sick every day? First he lost Zagreus, and now he’ll lose his job. He couldn’t even think of working, he just curled in on himself and let the panic rise, completely consuming him.

If Hades noticed, he didn’t say anything.

—

“Wow! Made it up to Styx again?” Hypnos greeted Zagreus with a false smile.

“Heh, yeah. I’m getting real close,” he said. “Still can’t quite figure out how to get Cerberus to move… but there’s got to be something!” 

“Hm. That’s a real predicament. Have you tried giving him a treat?” Hypnos suggested.

“Ha-ha. Yeah. I bet that would do it,” Zagreus rolled his eyes with a smile. A real smile. Hypnos felt a bubble of guilt rise up in him at that. He knew it was wrong to keep Zagreus ignorant, and yet, he really didn’t feel he had any other choice.

“Well. I guess you just gotta get back out there and try again!” he said, forcing some cheer into his voice.

“I know! I know. I will soon. I’ve got a few things to take care of around the house first.” Zagreus waved goodbye, and went over to the house contractor with some gems and diamonds to commission more changes, no doubt. Hypnos greatly appreciated the lounging chaise he’d had put up at his post, but he couldn’t help wondering why Zagreus had gotten quite so involved in the upkeep of the house right when his absence became imminent. He was getting close; Hypnos didn’t doubt his final escape would finally arrive sometime soon.

Zagreus wandered to Achilles’s post next, exchanged a few words, and then disappeared into the archives for a while, from the sound of the heavy door opening and closing. Hypnos tried to focus on his work. His symptoms were getting more manageable, but he had so much to catch up on and so little time to do it, it still felt like a losing battle. If he only had to get back to his usual pace by the end of three weeks, he felt perhaps he could achieve that, but to work through the mountain of back-logged records? It was surely impossible.

Zagreus returned, sprinting across the hall and into the lounge through the recently added secret entrance. Okay, so it wasn’t that much of a secret, but it was a nice little addition. Hypnos could see into the lounge now, if only a sliver of it, which was a welcome distraction when his pains rolled over him.

A few exchanges with the chef and the broker, and Zagreus was making for the exit. Instead of going straight across to his room, however, he stopped to talk to Nyx.

Usually, his mother’s post was too far away from his own to really hear anything she said if she had someone to talk to, but today, both Cerberus and Hades were gone, and the shades were quite calm, quietly waiting for court to resume upon their Lord’s return. There was no commotion in the lounge, and Orpheus still wasn’t singing, so there was no other sound to drown their conversation out.

“You will achieve your goal soon, my child,” Nyx said.

“Thank you. For, well, everything. For your help, and for having faith in me. It means a lot,” Zagreus said.

“Nonsense, my child. You need not thank me for this.” She shook her head. 

Hypnos forced himself to look back down at his ledger. He shouldn’t be listening to this.

“Well, still…” Zagreus trailed off, and Hypnos breathed a sigh of relief, thinking their conversation was over, but then his mother spoke again.

“Wait. Zagreus? May I ask you something?” she said.

“What is it?”

“Have you noticed anything… strange about Hypnos? Both Thanatos and your father have raised concerns with his work performance.” 

“Oh. Um… no? He seems fine to me,” Zagreus said.

“I see. I feared it was perhaps more than his usual behavior, but… I suppose you would know him best,” she replied, though she didn’t sound entirely convinced.

“Mn,” Zagreus hummed. “I’ll, uh, ask him next time I see him?”

“No, that’s quite alright. Forget my concerns.”

They exchanged a few more pleasantries, and then Zagreus was on his way.

Hypnos floated frozen at his post, not sure what to do with this information.

His mom was… worried about him? He gulped and chewed at his lip, mulling it over. He wanted to tell someone, to have anyone to confide in, but without Zagreus, he felt so alone. Still, perhaps his mother would understand? She would certainly have advice, if his problem really was of the nature he believed.

But what if she chastised him or made him tell Zagreus or—worse—what if she told him to get rid of it? She was invested in Zagreus succeeding. She’d always acted like she thought Hypnos would just hold him back.

He shook his head. No, that was just his irrational fear rearing its ugly head. She would never. She was still his mother. He was still her child. If he couldn’t trust her with this, who could he?

—

Once he was sure Zagreus had gone off on his next escape attempt, he put down his work and carefully floated over to Nyx’s post. 

“Mom?” he said, and for once she didn’t chastize him for using an informal greeting.

“Yes, my child?”

“I… I need to tell you something,” his voice came out warbled, his eyes lowered and fingers toying with the edges of his cloak, still held tight around himself. “I think I’m… sick.” He still couldn’t say it, but that was enough to draw her concern.

“What do you mean? Gods are not affected by illness,” she said.

“I know, but… I feel nauseous all the time. And I get… um, cramps? And I even threw up, once,” he said.

“How long has this been going on?” Nyx asked, her brows furrowed.

“F-four months, about?”

“Did it start around the same time Zagreus left?”

“Um… maybe a week or two after?”

“I see.” She let out a deep sigh, and then motioned for Hypnos to come closer. “I have a suspicion—and I suspect you do, too. May I touch your stomach?”

“Mn,” Hypnos nodded, relieved she understood, and yet terrified for it to finally be confirmed. He floated closer and unwrapped his cloak to let her reach out and touch his stomach. He still couldn’t really see a difference, so he knew she didn’t feel a bump, but that wasn’t the only thing she would be looking for. She closed her eyes, and sure enough, Hypnos felt a rush of energy, her magic pulsing through him for just a moment.

She pulled away with a very grave face.

“It is as I feared,” she said, and he gulped, forcing himself to meet her eyes. “Hypnos. You are carrying his child.”

“R-really? You know, just like that?” Hypnos said, already feeling panicked tears rising to his eyes. He knew this would be the answer, but somehow he still couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, Hypnos.”

“But how… how did I even—I mean, I thought I couldn’t…and why now?” Hypnos spoke through hyperventilating breaths.

“Breathe, my child. It will be alright.” Next brought him close, and for the first time in a very, very long time, she held him like he was a child again. He followed her direction, breathing in and out, and slowly the shock settled.

“Is this why you have been unable to work?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I was so sick, some days, I couldn’t even get out of bed.”

“I see. I will speak with Hades, and ensure he does not fault you for it,” she said.

“Wait, no! Please don’t tell him.” Hypnos pulled away, shaking his head.

“I was not planning to…” she said, narrowing her eyes. “Child. You know you must tell Zagreus, yes?”

Hypnos paled and looked away.

“I can’t. I—I can’t hold him back,” he whispered.

“Yes, he may decide to halt his mission, which… would be unfortunate. But he has a right to know,” she said. “It is his child, too.”

Hypnos gulped, and put his hands on his stomach. It still hardly felt real. His skin crawled with regret, and he wondered if telling his mother was a good idea after all.

Nyx sighed.

“I can see you need time to process this. Why don’t you take some time to yourself—I will tell Hades to excuse you,” she said.

Hypnos sniffled and nodded. It was at least a relief not to have to worry about losing his job anymore, but the impending gravity of what this meant for him—and more importantly, for Zagreus—weighed heavy on his shoulders.

Chapter Text

Hypnos stood in front of the long mirror in his room, dressed in nothing by his thin, red chiton. He stood to the side and smoothed a hand over his stomach. It arched, slightly, and when he rounded the bottom and the fabric tightened between his hand and his skin, he could tell he was showing, if only slightly. There really was a child in there, growing gradually, getting bigger day by day. He could still hide it now under the layers of his clothes, but how long would it be until it grew obvious? Would Zagreus make it out before then, or would he see, just as he was so close to breaching the surface, and put his entire mission on hold?

Hypnos let the fabric fall and turned away. Seeing himself all round like that made him feel a little dizzy and uncomfortably warm, and he couldn’t tell if he liked the feeling, or if he hated it.

He’d been hiding in his room for more than a week by then. He hadn’t meant to, he was just supposed to take a little time to himself to get used to the idea that he really was pregnant, but every time he thought about going back out there and actually telling people, he clammed up, panicked, and ended up back in bed, trying to distract himself from the too-fast beating of his heart.

He felt torn in two. He didn’t want to slow Zagreus down, not when he was clearly getting close to finally seeing his mother. He promised himself he wouldn’t ask him to stay, wouldn't give him any reason to, either. If he told him, Zagreus would stop immediately. He knew it. He would probably give up the whole thing entirely, and Hypnos would forever live with the guilt that he was the one separating him from his mother.

And yet, if he didn’t, if he let Zagreus leave before he realized Hypnos was pregnant, he’d be doing the same thing to their child. They’d grow up, never knowing one of their parents, and Zagreus would be out there in the world, just like his mother was, not even knowing there was a child at home who missed them, who wanted nothing in the world but to meet them.

That’s why it was best not to think about it. He just buried himself in the pillows and blankets and emptied his mind, putting an end to the endless back and forth, the cycle of guilt and shame and confusion that spiraled itself into oblivion in his head.

—

Hypnow returned to work after two weeks. He knew his mother said she would take care of Hades’s threat and ask him to go easy on him, but he had a hard time believing he would let him just disappear completely without consequences, and at some point that fear overtook his other concerns.

He rounded the corner to his post with much apprehension, his clothes adjusted to hide the new roundness of his stomach, though it was more for his sake than anyone else's. He doubted anyone who wasn’t looking for it would be able to tell, even if he wasn’t hiding it. He had hoped perhaps Hades wouldn’t be at his desk, so he could avoid any confrontation about his sudden leave of absence, but sure enough Hades’s displeased scowl met him as soon as he turned to look. Hypnos gave him a nervous smile, and Hades just huffed, said nothing, and looked back down at his parchment.

Hypnos sighed, shoulders slumping with relief. He could get back to work. He wasn’t losing his job. And, sure, maybe Hades hated him now, but at least he didn’t seem like he was going to take it out on him or anything.

Working was actually sort of nice after doing a whole lot of nothing. It gave him something mindless to focus on, to take him out of his own head. He found himself comforted by the monotony and repetition rather than bored by it like usual. In fact, he grew so engrossed in it, he didn’t realize Zagreus was walking towards him until he got halfway through his greeting.

“Welcome to the house of Hades, where death is our—Zag!?” He looked up, his cheeks suddenly burning with shame just from the sight of him, one hand on his hip and a small, curious grin gracing his lips.

“Hey, Hypnos. You seem awfully surprised to me,” he chuckled.

“Uh-uh… well, it, uh… sure has been a while!” Hypnos choked out.

“Yeah. I was gonna say the same thing.” Zagreus’s hand slipped off his hip, and the grin settled back into something a little more difficult to read. “Erm. Was that coincidental, or…?”

“Uh, y-yup! Just a big ol’ coincidence! You must have kept coming back on my breaks or something,” Hypnos lied.

Zagreus frowned. From his desk, Hypnos heard Hades scoff, but he did not look up nor interject.

“Is that so?” Zagreus asked, crossing his arms.

“Yup, sure is! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to catch up on,” Hypnos said.

“Why’s that?”

“Huh? Why’s what?”

“Why do you have so much work to catch up on?” Zagreus stepped closer, and Hypnos felt his face pale.

“Did I say that? I don’t think I said that…” he giggled nervously.

“Hypnos. I can tell when you’re lying. You’re, uh, not very good at it,” Zagreus informed him, almost sympathetic. “Is everything alright? Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nope! Nope! Everything’s fine! Nothing to worry about here!” Hypnos shook his head, covering his face with his ledger. Zagreus sighed, and he peeked back over it to see him massaging the crease between his brows.

“Alright Hypnos. Clearly you don’t want to tell me.” Zagreus rolled his eyes, his tone melancholy, though there was a hint of repressed frustration. “But you should know I’m getting close to escaping, so… I’d hate to leave things on a bad note.”

Hypnos gulped.

“Um. Y-yeah. Got it,” he nodded.

Zagreus sighed again, and kicked the dusty stone beneath his feet.

“Alright then. See you around… or not,” he shrugged, and trudged away.

Hypnos sunk into himself. He felt terrible, his gut swirling with dread. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to settle the feeling. The mourning sickness had thankfully lessened, but it felt akin to that all over again, except this time he knew it was his own mind doing it to him, stabbing him with guilt, rather than the simple pain of something growing inside him.

Something. Something? He knew what it was. It was a baby. A child. Zagreus’s child, and he was just going to let him leave without knowing?

The guilt choked him, nearly drowned him.

What was he doing, keeping this from Zagreus? He had a right to know. If he ever came back to see Hypnos and his fully grown child he never knew about, he’d hate him, wouldn’t he? And he would be right in hating him. Hypnos was in the wrong. 

He knew he was, and yet—yet he still didn’t want to say it. He didn’t know how, or where to begin, or what to say, or when.

Well, when might be the easiest part, he realized.

Zagreus said he was getting close, so if he was ever going to tell him, it had to be soon.

And that terrified him even more.

Everything terrified him. Everything was too much. He needed to—to breathe. He pulled his head up, steadied his vision on the wall across from himself. He was here, in the hall. He was doing his job. He was safe. He didn’t need to think about this yet, not if he wasn’t ready. Not if it made him feel like he was underwater, being crumpled down into a tiny ball of terror by the pressure.

He took slow breaths until he was aware of his surroundings again, back in his body, rather than rolling around in his own mind. He decided he would finish his shift, and then perhaps think about this when he was calmer.

He looked down at the ledger, and realized he’d never even checked to see what had killed Zagreus.

“Huh,” he mused to himself, turning his head to the side. “What’s a Redacted?”

Chapter Text

“Can you tell how far along I am?” Hypnos asked. He was with his mother in his room, something that hadn’t happened in a long time. She was concerned about the long absence he took, and wanted to check on the baby, perhaps give him some advice, too, if he had any questions. He had a lot of questions. But mostly, he was just glad he had someone to talk to about it. Talking about it made it more real, which he supposed was a good thing. For the moment, it felt like a good thing.

“Five months, at least. In three, we should begin to expect its arrival,” she answered, removing her hand from his stomach, and Hypnos let his chiton fall back over it. 

“But that’s only… eight months?” Hypnos titled his head.

“Children often arrive early. It is better to be prepared than to be surprised,” Nyx explained.

“Oh, I see.” Hypnos nodded. “Will it… will it hurt?”

“Very likely, yes,” Nyx nodded. “God-children can come in strange ways, but should it follow the natural route, it will be a painful many hours of labor.”

Hypnos bit his lip and shifted uncomfortably. He never thought he even could get pregnant, so he hadn’t thought much of what labor would be like, but now it was hard not to. 

“How did I even… I mean, all this time, I assumed I’d made myself barren,” he said, his brows furrowed. “When I changed to be more male, I mean. Yes, I still have, um, the parts … but I never meant for them to work.”

“Perhaps it was not as you thought,” Nyx shrugged.

“But all this time, Zagreus and I—” Hypnos started to retort, then flushed when he realized what he was about to say. “Nevermind.”

Nyx chuckled softly.

“Why now, you mean? When you had been carrying on in this manner with him for so long before?”

“Um. Yeah,” Hypnod nodded.

“Perhaps his absence changed you without your realizing it,” she offered.

“But how—” Hypnos gulped. Did he really do it? Was it his own doing? In missing him so much, did he subconsciously cause the change that made it possible? He sucked in a frightened breath. He remembered feeling so alone, it was like he was empty inside. Empty to his core. Perhaps, without meaning to, he’d changed some small part of himself back, to fill that emptiness, and in doing so kept Zagreus close. Part of him wanted to be amazed at his own Godly powers for such a feat, but the majority just felt ashamed. It really was all his fault he was in this mess. He really was bound to hold Zagreus back from the very beginning.

Perhaps it would have been better for them never to have come together in the first place.

“What am I going to do?” he asked in a small, scared voice.

“Hypnos. You know what you must do,” his mother told him, placing a tentative hand on his back. She never was good with gestures of comfort.

“I know,” he sniffled. “I know I have to—to tell him. But I…”

“His mother is not going anywhere,” Nyx interrupted. “This child is coming soon.”

Hypnos gulped. If even she, with all her fervent support of Zagreus’s mission, was convinced of it, perhaps he should believe her logic. Perhaps he could finally, finally begin to conceive of telling him.

“I know,” he repeated softly, because it was all he could manage to say.

“For now, shall we speak of what to expect when the child arrives? You have much to learn, and only so little time,” his mother said.

“Mn,” Hypnos nodded and lifted his head, blinking away his tears. This, he could focus on.

—

Hypnos took a deep breath. 

He was going to tell Zagreus. 

It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was what needed to be done. He could finally think clearly enough to see that.

He floated down the hall towards his post, his cloak tucked even more carefully around him to hide the small but growing fullness of his stomach. He rounded the corner, the entrance to the great hall in sight, when he realized Thanatos was standing at the balcony over the Styx where he often stewed in his thoughts during his few short breaks. His arms were crossed and his shoulders looked tense. Nothing out of the ordinary. Hypnos floated a little slower, though he had no intention of talking to him. He didn’t particularly want to face his brother’s disappointment right now.

Then Thanatos suddenly turned around, and Hypnos was shocked to stillness at the look on his face. He was sad. Angry. Torn and wavering. He’d never seen such a swirling tide of emotion in his brother’s eyes, and he took in a sharp breath, fearing he knew the meaning without him having to say.

“Hypnos,” Thanatos choked his name out. Hypnos floated closer, his own lips pulling down into a worried frown.

“Um. Is everything… alright, Than?” he asked.

Thanatos grit his teeth and looked away again. Anger won the war for control of his features.

“He’s gone,” he said. “I thought… you might want to know.”

“What?”

“Zagreus. He’s made it to the surface. He’s made it past—” Thanatos paused, worried his lip, and chose his words carefully. “The final obstacle.”

“What…?”

“He’s gone, Hypnos,” Thanatos lashed out, then sighed and shook his head, gaze sinking guiltily. “He’s left us.”

Hypnos opened his mouth. He wanted to wail, to rage, to beat against his chest like the mourning wives of fallen warriors, but not in front of Than. Not when he still thought Hypnos fully and completely supported Zagreus’s journey, even if only falsely, words he kept on the surface to hide his true thoughts.

He gulped, and nodded slowly.

“I… see. Thank you for telling me,” he said. His voice was so small, nothing but a smokescreen to the pain inside.

Thanatos huffed and shook his head.

“I should get back to work,” he mumbled and was gone.

Hypnos stood completely still. His eyes were wide, but saw nothing but a blur of tears. This couldn’t be happening. Not now, not when he’d finally found the courage to tell him the truth. Not when he finally saw what a fool he’d been to keep it to himself. 

He rested his hands over his stomach, and felt the full lurch of overwhelming grief.

He blinked the tears away and looked around. Achilles was staring at him, giving him a sorry look. Shades were gathered in the corner, staring. Hades mumbled from his desk, within earshot. He couldn’t break down in front of everyone, but he didn’t want to go back to his room. He wanted to—he wanted—he just wanted Zagreus.

He rushed past his post, past Hades’s desk, past his mother’s absent corner and the lively noise from the lounge. He fell into Zagreus’s bed before his mind could catch up with his body, and sobbed into the pillows with all the force of an avalanche. 

How could he be so stupid? How could he have let this slip through his fingers? Why was he gone, gone, gone— alone . So very, very alone.

His stomach ached. He felt heavy. Cold. Shivering with each cry wrenched from his throat, each wail wracked from his chest. He pulled the blankets and pillows close to him, tried to latch onto any lingering warmth or smell, any small bit of Zagreus that might have been left behind, but there was nothing. Without Hypnos, he hadn’t been sleeping in his bed.

“No, no, no!” Hypnos punched the pillows for their apparent faults. His grief ebbed into rage for a flash, but he tired of it quickly, and slumped back down into a sniveling ball on the bed. He tucked his legs up towards his chest and wrapped his hands around his stomach. This, he realized, was all he had left of Zagreus. 

Just as he’d designed it to be.

He scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head at that thought. No, he didn’t want this. Maybe he did it to himself, but he didn’t mean to. If he could have chosen, he wouldn’t have—would never have—chosen this.

Zagreus was right. The break should have been clean. 

But his body rebelled, and now it was messy beyond belief. Beyond reason. 

Slowly the tears dried, leaving his cheeks tacky and head pounding. He lay still, only moving when his breath stuttered and shoulders shook. He couldn’t think anything beyond a haze of grief and self-loathing. Mourning and regret. He might have even drifted off for a moment; he wasn’t entirely sure if it was sleep or just a hazy state of mind that claimed his consciousness for a while. All he knew is that he startled to attention at the sound of footsteps and a familiar, concerned voice.

“Hypnos?”