Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Neil comes into the living room from the small apartment hallway looking utterly sour. He shoves his cellphone in the front pocket of his jeans and heaves a heavy sigh, then flops down on the empty couch. His roommate and best friend, Todd, looks over at him from the recliner across the room. 

“You okay?” He asks, brows furrowed.

Todd’s cute when he’s confused, Neil thinks. 

“Todd, we need to talk,” Neil says. He turns so he can look at Todd head-on instead of from the side.

“About what?” 

“It’s complicated.” 

“Complicated? Just tell me, Neil. Don’t be an ass. What do we need to talk about?”

“I need you to come home with me next week. Please? You owe me one, anyway.” 

Todd stares at Neil and blinks in surprise. While he does owe his friend a favor, Todd still remembers his last visit to the Perry home. It was Christmas of last year, and Neil’s mom had cornered him to ask what his intentions were with her son. Which, considering they’re best friends and absolutely nothing more, was strange. And disorienting. How could she tell that Todd liked Neil when Neil himself had no idea? Luckily, Mrs. Perry swore she wouldn’t tell anyone else, and Todd had been able to breathe again. He hoped this time wouldn’t be so mortifying. 

“Um. Not that I don’t like your family, Neil, but why?”

“I need you to pretend to be my husband. My relatives keep trying to set me up with people, but I’m not interested in any of them! Please?” Neil blinks, startled by his outburst. He opens his mouth to speak, but Todd stops him. 

“Okay. I’ll do it.” Todd says with a shrug. What possibly could go wrong? 

“You will?” Neil’s face breaks into a grin, and he rises from the couch to pull Todd into his arms for a hug. Todd, meanwhile, tries not to die a little inside. Neil's always been touchy. Todd is used to it by now, but the familiarity fails to keep his best friend’s physical affection from feeling like a stake through the heart.

This is going to be hell, Todd thinks. The universe wants me to suffer. He accepts the embrace, though, and chuckles softly. Neil’s arms are warm and safe. He has to remind himself--they’re just friends. He can’t just lean in farther and kiss him, he can’t… Do other things to him. Not that there are other things Todd would want to do… Nope. Not at all.

“Thank you so much, man, oh my God,” Neil says honestly when he’s let go, “Um. Do you want to lay out some... Ground rules?”

Todd resists the urge to roll his eyes. Briefly, he imagines Neil coming up with some ridiculous rule that’ll make it all too easy for him to play with Todd’s feelings, though unintentionally. That would be incredibly fucked up, he thinks. Besides, Neil’s not mean enough.

“Sure. Um,” He falters and his face flushes bright red. Good God, Todd can hardly talk to Neil without blushing like a teenage girl with a crush on some boy in her biology class.

“Is it okay if I kiss you? Just around my family, I mean?” Neil asks. 

Thankfully, one of them has a functioning brain. Todd’s first instinct is to say hell no, purely to save himself the heartbreak of knowing anything they’ll do around Neil’s parents won’t be real. But Todd Anderson is nothing if not a masochist. 

“Yeah, that’s fine. And.. We’ll sleep in the same bed, right?” Neil nods, so Todd continues, “Okay. Opposite sides, then.”

They continue like this for a good ten minutes, until they have a marginally sane arrangement laid out. It’s simple enough and ought to work out just fine. Pretty much any physical affection goes in public, whatever works for them to convince Neil’s family of their love and devotion for each other. Neil’s suddenly lucky that he’s an actor who’s used to pretending to be someone he’s not. Todd happens not to share that luxury, but he’s been helping Neil run lines for years. It shouldn’t be too hard to pretend you’re in love with your best friend. Well, maybe for Neil. But not Todd. He’ll hardly be acting, just playing up the feelings he’s had for years. Neil’s usually smart, but he’s completely oblivious to it when people have feelings for him. He’s cute and massively frustrating all at once. It doesn't help, either, that they don’t speak of the platonic love between them, the friendship they’ve cultivated since they were twelve.

A nagging question begs for an answer, though. 

“What about our cover story?” Todd asks. This may be the worst part. They’ll have to fake some sappy romantic story that explains what’s happened between them since the last time they saw Neil’s family over a year ago, now. This is the bigger lie--manufacturing a nonexistent, established relationship. 

"Oh, right," Neil replies as if he’s just remembered that they’ll even need one. Todd’s only mildly annoyed at him, so he laughs it off.

“Did you seriously forget about that?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay, okay. How about this: we’ve been dating, like, two years, but you only proposed a few months ago. And… Uh--” 

“We had a courthouse wedding?” Neil offers. It makes sense, what with the new legality of same-sex marriages in New York. 

“Yeah, okay. That’ll work, right?” Todd asks. He looks up to meet Neil's gaze, blue eyes finding warm brown. Neil gives him a small, hopefully reassuring, smile. Todd offers another in return but he feels like a dirty liar in more ways than one.

“I fucking hope so.”

Poor Todd nearly loses his mind when Neil comes home with rings two days before they leave for Vermont. He hasn't forgotten about this stupid pact but Todd’s still floored at how far Neil’s willing to go. They booked train tickets together, they packed one suitcase each, called to request off work the days they’re scheduled next week, the whole shebang. But... The rings seal the deal. And Todd’s heart breaks a little when he remembers that this is all a farce. It’s all just one, long bit. 

 Neil grins at Todd and hands him a little black box. Todd stares down at it in shock, then back up at his friend. 

Oh, my god, Todd thinks. He. He bought rings, didn’t he? Neil’s insane. What the fuck? Todd assumed they wouldn’t wear any rings at all, that they’d just make up some excuse instead. Clearly, he was wrong. 

“Well? Open it.” Neil says, grinning. 

Todd does, though he’s sure of what’s inside. The box contains a simple gold ring, just as Todd expected. He slips it down his left ring finger. It fits perfectly. 

“How did you know my ring size?”

“I called and asked your mom.”

“You did what?!”

“I--”

“No, I heard you the first time, Neil, I just--” Todd pauses to collect his thoughts before he continues. “You really want your family to believe we got married, huh?”

“Yeah, I do. I want them off my ass, man,” Neil says flippantly. He’s taken the other ring out of its box and put it on. He moves his hand around, admiring how the light bounces off the metal. He paid a pretty penny for them, they ought to at least look good. How weird this whole thing is, seems not to dawn on him. Todd notices, though. It’s weird as hell to buy a wedding ring for you and your best friend’s fake marriage scam. And, surprise surprise, you’re both gay.

“Then we’ll wear them,” Todd says. He puts the ring back in the box and wonders if he can even handle a whole week in his own personal hell. He probably can’t, but he’ll at least try.

Neil knocks on the door of his parents’ house. One of his hands holds Todd’s firmly, and he squeezes it gently. Todd tries to hide the blush that creeps up his neck and cheeks.

“Oh, Tom, Neil’s home!” Mrs. Perry calls over her shoulder once she’s opened the door, “And he's brought a friend!” She turns her head back to face her son and Todd, then ushers them inside, out of the winter snow.

Todd follows Neil inside, still holding his hand. He finds himself not particularly wanting to let go. But Neil pulls his hand back when they shrug off their coats at Mrs. Perry's insistence. The house is warm and inviting. It’s nothing like Todd’s childhood home. Mrs. Perry leads them from the foyer into an equally lavish living room, dressed to the nines for Christmas.

“Oh, Neil, honey, it’s so good to see you," Mrs. Perry says and she pulls her son into a bone-crushing hug. It’s when she pulls away from him that she finally notices the rings they wear. Neil picks up on it and reaches for Todd’s left hand to lace their fingers together.

“Mom, you remember Todd, right? My friend from school? We, um, got married.”

Mrs. Perry, bless her, grins so widely that Todd worries about her sanity. 

“Yes, I remember him,” She says pleasantly, “Tom, quit being rude and get over here!” 

Mr. Perry practically materializes from the kitchen. He, too, notices Neil and Todd’s intertwined hands and their matching rings. Todd looks over at Neil to see he’s grinning like a fool; God, but he wants to kiss him. He’s never wanted to kiss him this badly; Neil’s handsome even in the poor lighting of his parents’ living room. But Todd just looks away again.

“Congratulations, son.” Says Mr. Perry. “And you must be Todd. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Todd gulps but nods in the affirmative and rushes to reply. 

“Yes, sir. Good things, I hope.”

“Of course. Neil never shuts up about you.”

He what? Todd thinks dumbly. He coughs to hide the mounting embarrassment, though it won’t do much to conceal how red his face has become.

“Really? Well, w-we feel terrible about keeping the engagement from you both, but we weren’t sure we’d even be able to get married until pretty recently, and—”

 “It’s alright dear. As long as Neil’s happy, we don’t mind.” Mrs. Perry says, cutting Todd off gently.

Something in Todd snaps as the words reach his ears. He clutches Neil’s hand tighter. Neil glances over at him for a second, concerned. He stays quiet about it until they’ve come back downstairs from unpacking their suitcases. Thankfully, Neil’s parents are elsewhere for the time being, off busying themselves around the house in place of badgering their son and his pseudo-spouse. Neil pulls Todd alongside him to sit on the large couch, a dark brown leather affair that shines in the ceiling light.

“Todd, are you okay?” Neil asks softly. He’s got an arm around Todd’s waist, appropriately touchy for someone who’s married. But it makes Todd want to shrivel up into a little ball; they’ve been fake married for an hour and it’s already become quite cruel torture. Todd wonders what the hell he was thinking when he agreed to this.

“Y-yeah. It’s just.. you know what my parents are like. They’re practically the opposite of yours.” Todd replies with a sniffle. His parents’ general apathy fails to bother him as much as it did when he was young, but it still stings knowing that he’ll never have a family that values him. He’s pulled away from his tangled mass of thoughts when Neil leans. Their faces are mere millimeters apart, now. He takes a deep breath and kisses Todd chastely. Todd goes still at the touch, while his heart catches fire in his chest. 

Oh, fuck, Todd thinks. I can’t do this. A tear slips down his cheek, and then he’s crying. Neil just pulls him into his arms wordlessly. After being his friend for the better part of a whole decade, Neil always knows when Todd needs a hug. Now is one of those times.

“It’s okay,” Neil whispers. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” He rubs Todd’s back with both hands, slowly and comfortingly.

This is the fucking worst, Todd thinks. I’m crying on my best friend’s parents’ couch and all I can think about is how nice it felt when he kissed me. And he didn’t even mean it.

Todd lets Neil hold him, though, and he feels a little sad when they finally pull away. Neil’s hands linger at his sides for a moment, as if he’s unsure about letting go. Todd wants to tug Neil close to him again, to kiss him until he feels better about this stupid con. Maybe then Neil would feel the same; maybe it wouldn't feel like such a lie after all. Todd stops himself from doing it, though. They have firm boundaries, after all.

“Thank you,” Todd whispers back. He grabs Neil’s hand this time and hopes his friend thinks nothing of it. Even if he does, Neil stays quiet.

Neil’s mom calls them to dinner half an hour later. She smiles warmly at them when she sees how easily they’re physically affectionate. Todd’s sort of proud of how not difficult it is to hold Neil’s hand or touch his shoulder or knee. It’s nice to have an excuse to touch him, even if it is completely fake. Neil leans into it, too; he calls Todd stupid nicknames and returns his little touches with ones of his own. He blushes when one of his parents notices it, but he’s secretly glad that they so readily accepted the idea of their only son being married to his best friend of nearly eleven years. Just last year, to them, Neil wasn't even officially dating anyone. They aren't even phased by the revelation. At all. It’s almost like they thought he and Todd had been dating for years. And Neil, surprisingly, hardly even cringes at the idea. He used to have a crush on Todd before it was obvious Todd didn't feel the same. Maybe he still does, just a little. Maybe there’s love lingering in the depths of his heart. 

“So, you two, who proposed?” Mrs. Perry asks and chases her words with a bite of roast chicken. Todd glances over at Neil for help. His mouth is likewise full of his mother’s excellent cooking, so Todd gets to answer the question. Lovely, he thinks, I don’t like having to lie to this woman.

“Oh, um, Neil did,” Todd says, “This April. I didn’t even see it coming, and we didn’t want to wait, so we got married as soon as we could do it legally in New York.” 

They’ve gone over their cover story multiple times in the past few days. It’s practically ingrained in Todd’s mind now, so the lie is all too easy. Neil looks over at him when he’s finished speaking. He smiles at Todd in a way that makes him feel warm all over as his heart beats faster in his chest. Todd wishes Neil would look at him that way with actual feelings behind it, outside of their shared lie. Mrs. Perry notices the glance and shakes her head fondly at them. Todd tears his eyes away from Neil for the moment, focusing his gaze on the other side of the table instead.

“How sweet!” Mrs. Perry gushes. “Oh, I don’t think I’ve seen Neil this happy in forever.”

Todd nearly chokes on his wine. Are you fucking kidding me? 

“Mom!” Neil yelps, blushing furiously. It would be cute if Todd wasn’t equally shocked. Maybe he’s faking it a little too well?

“It’s true, honey,” Mrs. Perry shoots back, “Todd, I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep it up.”

Todd nods at her, then stares down at his empty dinner plate.

Neil and Todd get to sleep in Neil's old bedroom, in a queen-size bed with fresh sheets. Todd’s so tired at the end of the night that sharing a bed for the first time since middle school hardly phases him at all. Neil gets one side, Todd gets the other. 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Neil asks.

“Nah. I, uh, I didn’t expect us to be so convincing.” Todd chuckles. “Goodnight, Neil.”

“Night, Todd.”

They get up bright and early the next morning. Neil takes the ensuite bathroom first, then Todd. Todd contemplates asking Neil if they could shower together, but… That might be taking things a bit too far.

Neil and Todd join Neil’s parents for breakfast once they’re both dressed. Mr. and Mrs. Perry are both seated at the table when they come down together. Todd realizes with a jolt of anxiety that his parents could easily think Todd and Neil were up to something. He brushes it off as best he can, though, and smiles easily at Mrs. Perry. She piles food on his plate and Neil’s. They eat in companionable silence before Neil’s parents leave to do some last-minute holiday shopping. 

Neil and Todd are well and truly alone this time, so they take over the living room. The Hallmark channel has some stupid heterosexual movie playing, but they keep it on. Todd’s not even watching it; Neil seems invested in it, but he’s a stickler for romantic dramas. Todd watches him instead, how the lights from the Christmas tree warm his face and… Todd could kiss him, right now. He could brush it off as practice for when the rest of Neil’s family comes over. They’re here earlier than all of them, anyway. Christmas Eve is still a few days off, and they aren’t quite used to casual affection yet. So, yeah, Todd could kiss Neil right now, and it wouldn't be too outrageous. He decides to bite the bullet and just see where asking gets him.

“Neil, can I kiss you? For, uh, practice. Y’know, so it doesn’t look forced.”

Neil smiles as he turns to face Todd properly. He's used to kissing other people; acting for a living does that to you. But Todd isn't. 

“Yeah, go ahead.”

For a moment, Todd hesitates. He steels himself and leans in to kiss his best friend once, and again. Then he pulls away, face red and insides turned to mush. Kissing Neil feels so right, and natural. It's a shame that nothing they do in this house will be real. A kiss is just a kiss. It means nothing to their relationship. It won’t ever mean anything. 

His love is fake, Todd reminds himself, Neil doesn’t love you that way and he never will. If he ever could have loved you, it was a long time ago. 

Todd lays awake in their bed that night long after Neil’s fallen asleep. He can hear soft snores coming from the other side of the mattress and Todd is already miserable. Loving Neil from the safe distance of their close friendship is a different beast altogether from loving him while pretending to be his husband. Todd’s not sure why he even agreed to do it. He wouldn't have if he knew how much it’d hurt barely three days in. Todd slides out of bed and heads for the bathroom. He grabs one of the dixie cups meant for mouthwash and fills it with water from the tap. He gulps it down, does his business, and pads softly back into the bedroom proper. Todd nearly has a heart attack when he hears a sleepy, barely awake Neil call out to him in the darkness.

“Todd? Come back to bed, darling.” Neil’s called Todd nicknames like that before, but... Never in private. And never so softly in a tone sweet like honey. This cannot be happening. Holy shit. 

“I’m here, baby,” Todd whispers back once he’s in bed again. Where did that come from? He’s far closer to Neil than usual, but Todd feels right at home. Neil reaches out for him, pulls him towards his chest. He falls asleep quickly once more, while Todd stays awake and chokes back a sob. 

This is how it should be, he thinks. He should love me this way, truly love me. 

When Neil wakes up, he’s confused. He has no memory at all of what happened the previous night and chalks their closeness up to their sleeping arrangement, then moves on with his day. 

A piece of Todd’s heart breaks when he wakes up alone later that same morning. Half of the bed is empty and cold. Todd knows Neil doesn’t feel any romantic love for him. He knows that there won’t ever be anything between them. Still, it’s hard not to hope for change and the love he’s wanted for so long. Instead, Todd is left shattered and heartbroken. He realizes, with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he’s the only one who remembers Neil’s soft voice rough with sleep, the warmth of his embrace. Through the ache in his chest, Todd knows it’s for the best. Neil is sweet and funny and entirely too good for someone who hasn’t got enough guts to tell him how he truly feels. He deserves someone willing to swallow their pride and admit it when they’re in love. Todd is the opposite in every way.

Chapter Text

A week into their vacation of sorts, Todd starts worrying about his sanity. Through occasional embarrassment and awkward encounters with various family members, he comes quickly to the realization that the Perry family is loving and kind and stifling, they are the opposite of Todd’s own family who holds him at arm's length all the time with hardly ever an agreeable acknowledgment of his existence. Even Neil is so much like his family, with kisses given freely and openly in the presence of his aunts and uncles and cousins. His performance goes on, and all the while Todd must remind himself it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real to stave off the inevitable emotional spiral. It will come back to bite him, surely,but for now, Todd will settle for ignoring how Neil makes his heart beat fast in his chest and ache with the weight of unbroken tension.

A fake relationship with Neil might be worse than nothing, Todd thinks, Neil’s quite good at this acting in love thing; scarily good, actually. Todd, meanwhile, has taken to ruminating on such things at dinner with the Perrys, on the day before Christmas Eve, scarcely more than a week since their arrival. He sits at one end of the long pine dining table and Neil’s hand is soft and warm where his skin presses against Todd’s, the faint grip a gesture of solidarity. There are people on either side of them both, mostly not looking at Neil or Todd but each other and laughing or smiling freely. It’s best that they keep their eyes away at present, for Todd is slowly sinking into an anxious puddle that would stain poor Mrs. Perry’s plush Williams-Sonoma rug. Todd tries to ignore Neil’s hand that holds his, the way even an unimportant touch is comforting, a reminder that someone else is in on the lie with him. Instead, Todd squeezes Neil’s hand in his once and then extricates his fingers from Neil’s, allowing for his hand to dangle limply from his wrist without purpose. Todd has long since tuned out the voices that haven’t said much to him the whole evening or the past week, truly, while Neil is ever the people-pleaser even to his relatives. Todd worries about Neil sometimes. He worries about his best friend’s tendency to stretch himself thin for others, his unwavering need to be needed.

“Neil, I-I’m not sure how much more of this I can take,'' Todd says with a heavy sigh. It’s early in the afternoon the next day. Christmas Eve has come at long last, and Neil’s parents haven’t let up… AT least, they are certainly concerned for their son’s emotional well-being, unlike Todd’s who haven’t even bothered to call yet. Neils’ family has been the same way since they arrived; they’ve left no stone unturned with a barrage of questions and prods into their fake romantic, sometimes even sexual, life. Todd is glad that there are precious few days left of their trip, the unfamiliar stifling family dynamic has gotten to him far too quickly. The Perry matriarch is well-meaning but overbearing at times; her affection is often too heavy and too warm, for it feels like lying under a thick, weighted blanket in June. Todd flops back on his side of the bed and stares across the room at his friend. Neil, though, eyes him with concern and creased brows. Of course, he’s beautiful, even this like that with a look that could shatter Todd’s heart if he thought of it as more than simple friendly worry.

“We can go home, you know,” Neil says quickly as he attempts to remedy Todd’s apparent discomfort, “we’ll make something up to tell my parents and be on an early train tomorrow if you like. Saving face isn’t as important to me as you are.”

Todd’s heart, fragile as it is, beats faster at such an admission, he can hear as its beats thump hard against his chest. He forces himself to think nothing of it, though, to not jump immediately to an implausible conclusion. Still, Neil’s voice echoes in his mind, reminding Todd with every moment passing by that saving face isn’t as important to me as you are.

Did he mean it the way I think he meant it? Todd wonders, should I ask him? Is it better to speak or to die?

“No, it’s okay,” he says instead of the confession brewing in his mind, the truth that pounds at the walls of his thin lips. “I can stick it out for a few more days.”

The lie slips past Todd’s lips as easily as would breath; Neil doesn’t suspect anything. He whispers something his friend doesn’t catch and smiles at Todd before heading into the en suite bathroom for a shower, thus leaving Todd his own devices. Being left to his own devices… Well. Ample time for Todd to think himself into a spiral, a mess of worried thoughts and words left unsaid.

Todd’s breath catches in his throat not even half an hour after that short conversation, when he trips over his own long feet stepping past Neil into the bathroom. Neil catches him with ease. His grip is firm and steadying where it holds his waist to stop Todd from meeting the cold tile under them. Neil leans over him in worry and their faces are so, so close. Todd could kiss him. He could make the distance between them disappear when their lips meet. But he doesn’t. Todd straightens up and coughs, instead, his cheeks bright red. The moment breaks and so does his heart when he sees a faint look of disappointment on Neil’s face. It fades quickly, as he leaves the bathroom and shuts the door behind him without so much as one word slipping past his lips. Todd goes about the rest of the day as he would normally, except that perhaps he keeps Neil at arm’s length just this once. There are family gatherings that night as the Perrys exchange gifts and affection. Todd and Neil wade through it as they always do. They don’t talk about what happened that morning; what is there to say?

Todd sleeps well that night in a warm bed with his best friend at his side, but he dreams of kissing Neil and giving in to what his heart desires the most.

Chapter Text

Neil kisses his parents and nieces and little cousins goodbye before he catches the ten o'clock train home with Todd on the twenty-seventh of December. It had been nice, their week-long vacation. Except, of course, for the fact that they had been lying with nearly every word leaving their mouths. The lies tasted wrong, almost like rotten fruit, in Todd's mouth, a nausea-inducing reminder of the truth. But he pushed through it, ignored the way words would sometimes get caught in his throat, like always. Todd let Neil touch and even kiss him in his family’s home as easily as if he were onstage playing some hopeless, lovesick sap. As if he was acting, because he was. And Neil Perry is a startlingly talented, fluid actor. 

Todd and Neil get seats next to each other, because of course they did. The rings Neil bought them stay on the fingers they were intended for. But Neil does not touch Todd like he had nearly every day for a whole week on the train ride back to New York. Hell, he barely looks at him. Todd’s heart breaks as he glances over at Neil to see his nose buried in some play in book form, eyes on the ink-and-paper before him, when just a few hours earlier those warm brown eyes had found him, found Todd, with such ease. Todd tears his gaze away from his friend and tries to get his mind on anything but him. The countryside around them morphs slowly into the sharper, grayer cityscape as the train heads into the city. Todd watches it, all this beauty, with the mind of a poet and the fickle heart of a mere mortal.

Todd and Neil get home that afternoon to their quiet, quaint apartment with no one else in sight. The rooms feel empty and almost melancholy after spending so long away from it in a house full of life and love and warm with mirth. It’s eerie, this quiet brownstone, after the Perrys’ bustling suburban home. Todd’s happy to be in the city again, he really is. But home takes a while to feel normal after Christmases with his best friend’s family--a loving, warm, and kind group of people he never thought he deserved to know. 

Neil finally looks at him once they’ve settled in and unpacked their bags. There’s some cheesy movie on their television in the living room, but it’s not right. The house is quiet. Neil, for once, is quiet. They sit close together on their far-too-expensive leather couch, a housewarming gift from Todd’s mother they both had hated at first. The two are closer together now than normal, knees barely touching. He’s close enough that Todd could lean over and kiss Neil’s cheek. His lips, even. 

But he can’t do that anymore, the voice in Todd’s mind reminds him. He doesn’t have to. There isn't any reason for him to, not right now. Here, they’re best friends, not lovers. Here, alone in their home, they don’t have to keep acting like a married couple. The curtain’s fallen and Neil doesn’t have to pretend to be in love. Todd just has to try not to be. But, God, does Todd want to. His mind drifts. Todd wants and wants, always, deep in his heart. Even his younger self, the shy new boy at their Catholic boarding school, wanted Neil practically from the moment they met in pre-school. And, recently, when they had looked into her eyes to lie to Neil’s kind and beautiful mother. Todd wanted him then, too, even. This wanting, it’s familiar. It’s almost comforting. 

“So, uh. Did you have a good time? At my parents’?” Neil’s voice cuts through Todd’s mental stupor. Todd blushes, embarrassed for a moment but recovers quickly.

“Yeah, I did. It was… Nice,” he replies. This is so stupid, Todd thinks. Why did he even ask me that? Neil Perry, what I wouldn't give to see inside your mind.

“It was. But it was fun, too, right? Pretending to be married in front of my family like that. I guess you’re quite the actor, after all, Anderson.” Neil's voice is light, even playful. But it sends a sinking feeling into Todd’s throat. Fun? Lying to his family is fun? Todd wouldn't ever dream of lying to his own parents, or his older brother. Jeff is kinder and certainly cares about him more than their parents, but still. Lying to them, right to their faces, even making expensive purchases just fool them…. The Andersons would never fall for that. But the Perrys definitely did, playing right into their talented actor son’s hands without so much as a question about how it had all happened, their son and his best friend getting together seemingly overnight. But deception had always been easy for Neil. Even at Welton Academy, the stuffy Catholic boarding school in small-town Vermont they’d both grown up in, he’d lied to get his way all the time. He was lucky the principal favored him, and his father’s sizable donation to the school’s soccer team, or Neil would’ve been on his way to some military school.

“Yeah, I-I guess it was. I’m not sure that we did what you wanted to begin with though. Your mother asked us so many questions, it felt like my head was going to explode from trying to keep up with our elaborate love story,” Todd replies, cracking a small smile. It gets him one in response and a peal of laughter from Neil. 

“I know, I know, we didn’t quite keep my mom off my back, but.. Geeze. She believed us easily, I wanted to see how far we could take this, how long we could keep it up. I think we could go another few months.”

Months? More lies, more deception… And more pain they'd cause in the end when they would have to tell Neil’s entire family, his poor mother, that they had been lying to them for entire months on end… And for what? So Neil could see how well he and Todd could lie to his family, how long they could keep acting, pretending to be different people? Even thinking about it makes Todd’s stomach lurch. He should have said no. He could have said no, could’ve told Neil to fuck off.

Thinking about continuing their fake marriage for much longer left a sour taste in Todd’s mouth. A nauseating feeling rises up in him, too, a dizzying wave of anxiety rolling in alongside it. One week had been long enough.

And how long would we keep this up, Todd wonders. Four months? Six? A whole year?  

No. Surely even Neil couldn’t last that long.

“H-How long do you want to keep this up, anyway?” Todd asks, desperate for an answer, but he’s not sure what he’ll do once he has it.

“I don’t know,” Neil replies. He meets Todd’s eyes, apologetic.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t care for the idea of breaking the record for the longest-running lie.”

Neil has the audacity to laugh at that. Fresh, redd-hot anger comes to replace all else. Todd hates these reminders of Neil’s sometimes selfish nature. Of his ability to do things without caring much for consequences.

“What?” Todd asks, a little too snippy.

“Nothing, it’s just. We have to tell them eventually. Can you imagine the looks on their faces?” Neil’s smiling, he's grinning. Like this is just some game, some throwaway little prank. Like it most certainly isn’t the worst decision Todd’s ever made in his two-and-a-half decades on earth.

Still, Todd gets through the conversation. Maybe he lies to Neil, maybe he acts like he’s not angrier than he can remember being at Neil ever. Maybe he stifles that anger and screams it into his pillow that night. And maybe he loves him a little less, respects him a little less. Neil deserves it.

Todd’s still reeling from Christmas when his parents show up at his and Neil’s the very next day. He answers the door, hoping it’s someone else. 

“Hello, son,” His father says stiffly. His mother, at his side, smiles at Todd. Todd doesn't smile back.

“Come in, won’t you?’ He asks, too politely than they deserve. “Neil, my parents are here!”

“You live here, with him?” Is the first thing Todd asks when Neil comes from his room to greet him and Todd’s mother. Neil frowns, taken aback by the sudden disdain. 

“Wow, you can’t remember what little I’ve told you about my life here,” Todd scoffs. “Why are you even here, anyway?”

“We came to see you. Todd, dear,” Mrs. Anderson pipes up. She hands her son an envelope, doubtlessly containing some tasteless, formal Christmas greeting printed on monogrammed stationery. 

‘Thank you, mom.” Todd takes the envelope with a small, tight smile. 

“You’re welcome, dear. Now, you two enjoyed the holidays, I’m sure?” She says it like a question, leaving Todd whether it is one or not. Thankfully, the brunet as his side steps in.

“We stayed with my family for a week and came back yesterday, Mrs. Anderson. We had a lovely time. But I’m confused. You hardly ever come to visit Todd, so why now?”

“Your parents kindly informed us of your recent marriage, since it seems our son is incapable of doing so himself,” Mr. Anderson replies, giving Todd a dirty look as he does.

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your anger, Mr. Anderson. It's looked to me like you couldn’t care less what your son does, and you haven’t since he was fifteen. Are you angry because your son’s married another man? Or is it me in particular you’re bothered by?”

Oh, no, Todd thinks, nervousness creeping up. Please, be civil, for my sanity.

“Why, you little--” Todd's father starts, already red in the face. Todd’s mother looks about as nervous as Todd feels.

“Get out,” Todd says, icy and firm. 

His parents leave in short order. Todd watches their car pull away and out onto the main road. For once, there isn’t the familiar sadness, the ache in his heart for their affection from his teenage years. In its place is a newer numbness that came with getting older and realizing your parents should never have had more than one kid.

“What the hell was that?” Neil asks when he's finished making Todd a cup of his favorite tea, just the way he likes it with two spoons of sugar and a little milk. He hands Todd the warm mug over the back of the sofa.

“Thank you,” Todd says as he accepts it. “I don't know what that was either. They didn't even call to let me know they were stopping by. Maybe they’re going to see Jeff and decided to check on me on the way over?”

Neil sighs. He comes around from behind the couch to sit next to his friend. Todd smiles at him from behind his mug of tea.

“Maybe, but... What bugs me most is how damn homophobic they were. It’s always like that, I know, but I’m sorry, Todd. You deserve much better parents than those assholes.”

‘Well, yours have practically adopted me, what more can I ask for than them?”

Neil’s ensuing grin is enough of a reply.

New Year’s Eve comes far too quickly. The city is as lively as ever even early in the morning before Todd and Neil have lunch together in their apartment--bagels and iced coffees from somewhere down the street. It’s Todd who goes to get it, leaving Neil at home for all five minutes. When he comes back, Neil’s setting the house phone back in its cradle. 

“Who was that?” Todd asks, handing Neil his bagel and drink. It wasn’t surprising that they knew each other’s coffee orders as well as their own. Todd supposes it’s a perk of knowing someone your whole life, that sort of intimate knowledge about another person you’d probably never get from casual companionship.

“Charlie,” Neil replies as he takes the bag and cup, “He and Knox are coming over tonight, remember?”

No, actually, Todd does not remember, not at all. Maybe everything else went out the nearest window when Neil asked him to pretend to be married to him for a week. Todd’s not sure, but he nods anyway.

“Yeah, I remember. It’s just them coming over?” God, Todd hopes so. Another large gathering of people so soon after Christmas might just be enough to take him out. 

“Probably. Charlie mentioned inviting the other three, plus Chris and Ginny, though, so maybe it’ll be a Dead Poets Society class of oh-four reunion.” Neil replies with a grin that sets Todd's poor heart aflame. How could he hate someone so beautiful, so eager to welcome others into his home, so… So Neil. 

“I don’t know if we want that, Neil, remember when Charlie got ahold of some whiskey and we all got stupid drunk, but we still had to sneak back into our dorms without making any noise?” Todd quips back, nearly shuddering at his own reminder of that chilly November night. They had made it back in their rooms alright, though none of them showed up to classes the next day. Neil came up with some valid excuse, as he often did, but seven junior boys wound up in detention the next week anyway. Todd blames Richard’s inability to replicate his father’s handwriting. 

“Oh, God, don't remind me,” Neil groans. “Oh, what about the time Keating almost caught Stephen and Gerard in the bathroom?”

Todd chuckles at the memory of their beloved English teacher; it was him who’d heard Todd come out for the first time, him who’d advised Todd to fess up to Neil. They haven’t done this in ages, he remembers only moments later. Todd is more than happy to put aside any lingering annoyance at Neil for now when their friends are on the way. He misses them all, the closeness of their college and high school years. Neil and Todd spend the next hour reminiscing, recalling the trouble their younger selves narrowly avoided. 

There’s a knock on their door at about ten-thirty. Todd opens it to find not only Charlie and Knox but the three other members of their high school poetry club. Chris and Ginny, two girls from the boys’ sister school, are with them. 

Oh, great, Todd thinks, wincing inwardly. He lets them inside though, only faking his delight a little bit. Neil’s ecstatic, though. He lives to entertain, and even with their friends is no exception. The TV is on, but they sit facing each other, in a haphazard circle. It reminds Todd of their old Society meetings where they read poetry aloud and joked and, sometimes, drank. Where in the world Charlie or Neil kept getting the alcohol from in a Catholic town in Vermont, they've never said. It adds to the mystery, they’ve said before. Todd’s called bullshit on it more than once.

Todd sits next to Neil on the loveseat. He’s not sure why. But he reaches for Neil’s hand on instinct. Neil doesn’t pull away. Instead, he pulls Todd's flush with his and laces their fingers together.  Todd glances over at Stephen, who clocks their hand-holding far too quickly. He smiles that small, knowing smile of his. Todd just wants to melt into the couch and cease to exist. His friends are too smart for their own good sometimes. 

No one else says anything about it, for some reason. They all talk, catching up on what's happened since they last saw each other at Thanksgiving more than a month ago. Charlie’s still working his boring Wall Street finance job, Knox is still doing whatever it is a lawyer does, Stephen and Gerard have the bar they live above, and Richard's teaching somewhere. Neil, of course, talks about the Broadway role he landed recently. Todd is proud of his friends, living their lives separately and happily, while still holding onto their boyhood companions. It’s sweet, he realizes, that they've managed to keep in touch all these years. Chris and Ginny are more recent additions, but they round out the group nicely. Chris and Todd get along the best, he thinks; something about their similar sarcastic humor brought them closer.

When it's his turn to fill the others (excluding Neil) in on the last month in the life of Todd Anderson, he blushes and reminds them he’s working on another poetry collection. And he is; at least this isn’t a lie. Slowly but surely the poetry comes along, though he’s lucky the publishing company understands he’s slower and more careful with his work than more prolific published poets. Neil gives him a wide, beatific smile. When he does, Todd could swear his heart skips more than a beat. He settles into this easy conversation and pleasing company, letting go of his more shy exterior around the friends he’s known nearly all his life. Things are going well, all things considered. Neil keeps looking over at him, to gauge how he's feeling or something. Todd gives him a little reassuring smile each time, though, and holds onto his hand a little tighter after the first glance. Todd runs his thumb across Neil's knuckles slowly, reassuringly, after the third time. If anyone else notices anything, or the rings Todd and Neil are still wearing for some reason, they keep their mouths shut. Charlie winks at Todd when he notices their intertwined hands. Todd fights back the urge to smack him and settles on rolling his eyes instead. This gets him a laugh from Charlie and weird looks from the others. Ginny says something funny to make them all laugh, and Stephen quickly gets them back on track. He’s always been the one, aside from Neil, guiding their chaos. What would they do without him?

Everything is going perfectly fine until the door rings again.

Todd stands with Neil to get the door. They open it sort of slowly, like ripping off a band-aid. Standing on their stoop are Neil’s parents, his aunt Cheryl, and uncle Rodney. Of all the people to show up. 

The universe hates me, Todd thinks, it wants me dead. Still, he smiles.

“Hi, guys,” Neil says in that fake-happy voice he uses when he’s mildly annoyed. “We, uh, actually have a few people over right now, but um. What brings you here?”

“Well, dear, we wanted to be here earlier, but.. Anyway, we figured we’d come over and have a little party to celebrate your wedding,” His mother replies, grinning. “You know, since it was so rushed and all. Would that be okay?”

No, Todd wants to say. Leave. Go away. I hate lying to you people. I don’t want to have to do it anymore, but your son's so hot and I just can’t say no.

He doesn’t get to say any of that, because Charlie yells from inside,

“Is that your parents, Neil?”

And everything starts going horribly from there. 

Neil and Todd step aside to let his family members in the house. Their school friends get up one by one and greet them both, polite and kind and oh, so oblivious. They find places for everyone to sit, somehow. Meanwhile, Todd tries to hide the quick beating of his heart in his chest. Neil holds his hand again, but this time Todd’s not sure if it’s in solidarity or for appearances. It could be both.

Todd thinks he hears Stephen ask Mrs. Perry why they’re here, which is a fine enough question, but his eyes widen when he hears her reply.

“Well, we know it’s late, but we thought we’d come over, bring champagne,” at this she raises the dark glass bottle in her hands and wiggles it, “and celebrate Neil and Todd’s wedding since it was so rushed. Neil, dear, is that alright?”

Charlie chokes mid-sip of water. Stephen blinks one too many times. Knox looks scandalized. Todd hadn’t even noticed she was holding anything.

“Their what?” Chris asks, confusion written all over her face.

“Oh, did they not tell you? Neil, you really shouldn’t keep things like that from your friends,” Mrs. Perry says. She sounds disappointed but fills in the others on Neil and Todd’s “wedding”. Todd has never wanted to be on with the couch cushions more than he does right now. Maybe they should’ve said something before. But, honestly, Todd hadn't been thinking about it. About how he’s a horrible person for lying to his best friend’s family and his best friends because that’s something he does now.

Neil, ever the improviser, manages to drag their friends and Todd out of the living room and into his room. To talk privately for a moment, Neil justifies it with. But Todd isn’t stupid, he knows what’s coming.

“Guys, we uh. We’re not actually married. By the way. We’ve been lying to my parents for over a week.” Neil gets out when all of them are alone. He looks from one face to another, trying to gauge each of their friends’ reactions. Ginny and Chris laugh at them in surprise, but Stephen speaks first.

“Okay,” He says. “But.. Why lie to them?”

“Well, um--”

“Neil wanted to get his mother to stop nagging him about settling down with someone, so... He decided dragging me along to visit for Christmas and throwing in a lie or two about our nonexistent relationship was the best way out of it. There you go. Now, let’s get back in there before Mr. Perry starts getting suspicious.”

All nine of them come back into the living room together. Nothing blows up. Nothing horrible happens. All of their friends know that Neil and Todd are lying to Neil’s parents and everything is fine.

They talk, they drink, just like Mrs. Perry offered. They even watch the ball drop on TV.

Still, nothing catastrophic happens. Todd waits for the other shoe to drop. It never does.

So, Todd decides to let the shoe go on his own.

When their house is empty again just before one in the morning, he says, “Neil, we need to talk.” 

Neil sighs. This is going to hurt, he can feel it.

“What’s wrong?” Neil asks. As if there’s any other answer than the one he’s about to get. As if there's anything else they would need to talk about right now, at one in the morning. 

“I don’t like lying to people. Especially when it’s your family,” Todd replies. He tries to ignore the confusion on Neil’s pretty face, the furrow of his thick brows.

“I-I thought you didn’t mind it. You know, I’ve started thinking of this as a bit of a game.”

“A game?”

“Yeah. I figured if we, uh, kept this up for six months or so, maybe we wouldn’t have to lie about being married, or in love. Maybe we’d win, kind of.”

Todd takes a moment, silent, to take this in. The anger flares up again, hot and ready to burst. This time, he’s ready to let it out. When he speaks once more, he can’t hold back the vitriol.

“You can’t be serious right now. You’re pulling my leg, but it’s not funny, Neil.”

Neil doesn’t say anything. 

“Oh, okay. This is a game, this is fun to you, huh? And is that all I am to you, some piece in your fucking game?” Todd finishes. Then, he stands up and crosses his arms over each other.  He looks down at Neil, waiting impatiently for an answer. 

“No! No, Todd, you’re more to me than I have the words for.  I-I love you,” Neil says almost desperately as he reaches out for Todd’s hands. Even now he craves touch, even as his best friend’s heart is breaking and it’s his fault. 

“I wanted to tell you, b-but it’s never the right time, and… And I wanted to keep at this, see how far we could go before someone figures us out, but I’ve gone and fucked everything up. Jesus, I’m so sorry.” Neil looks back up at Todd, brown eyes meeting the other’s blue ones. He almost looks actually apologetic.

It’s too late for that, Todd decides. He moves away from Neil, far enough that he can’t reach for Todd again. His eyes scream, please forgive me. 

Then, a tense thirty seconds later, the rest of what Neil said kicks in.  

What the fuck. 

  It doesn’t make any sense for Neil to have been in love with Todd this whole time. Todd’s known he’s selfish from the beginning, mostly for squirreling away the memories of Neil’s physical affection in his mind to hold onto when it’s all over. When they come clean. When Neil’s parents find out their son and his best friend have been taking advantage of their trust in him, lying right to their faces. 

“Tell me you’re kidding. Why would you put yourself through a whole week of lying to your entire family, pretending we’re people we’re not?”

“I wanted you to love me,” Neil says back, softly, “I guess I wanted it so badly that I was willing to suffer for a while in case we “won” this game we’re playing. I thought, maybe, you’ll fall for me if we keep this going for long enough. But I know that, that’s never going to happen, is it?”

Oh, God. Neil looks over at Todd for the first time in about five minutes, and Todd has never felt like such a massive asshole. Neil’s crying. His eyes and cheeks are faintly red, damp with tears. Todd wants to comfort him, to kiss away the tears, to give in to what they both want. What he still wants underneath every emotion, all the hurt and the anger.

But he doesn’t. Instead, Todd sits back down next to Neil on the loveseat. He looks into Neil’s eyes. He ignores the urge that comes to hug him, to hold him, to wipe away his tears.

“Wait, let me get this straight. Your big plan was to lie to your entire family, tell them we’re married, keep lying to them for at least six months, and just hope I’ll feel the same one day? Neil, what the hell?” Todd asks in a voice that’s startingly softer than before 

“I don’t know, I never meant to hurt you, I-I thought this didn’t bother you.”

Oh, come on.

“Of course, it bothers me, you idiot! I’ve had to lie to people I’ve known most of my life, and I’m just now finding out that my best friend is basically using his family to try and get with me!”

Neil goes quiet after that. Eventually, he says, “I’m so sorry,” again, before going into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him, and leaving Todd alone in their living room. He sits there for another little while, thinking. 

When Neil wakes up the next morning, Todd’s gone. There’s a note written in his friend's familiar messy scrawl waiting for him, folded neatly and propped up on their kitchen counter. 

Staying with Jeff for a few days to clear my head. I should be back by next Thursday.

- Todd.

Chapter Text

Todd shows up on Jeffrey's front porch at precisely one forty-five in the morning. He almost expects to be turned away, or ignored, left to turn back and go home. He braces himself for it, even. He stands and waits for the rejection. For Jeff to realize what their parents already have, that Todd ruins everything he touches before running to someone else to help him pick up the pieces. That he’s wholly undeserving of the kindness, the love, of a brother or a friend.

But, to his surprise, Jeffrey opens the door. He's bleary-eyed and groggy, wearing pajamas that resemble the standard-issue plaid ones they wore in high school. Old habits die hard, Todd thinks upon noticing it. And, really, Todd wouldn’t blame Jeff if he took one look at him in such a state and slammed the door in his face. He smiles at his older brother warmly, if a little sheepish. He tries hard to ignore the way he’s starting to feel incredibly stupid, standing at his brother’s front door in the middle of the night on New Year’s Day. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What if he turns me away? Todd thinks. There’s light snow falling slowly this morning, a few flakes landing in his hair.

“Hi,” Todd says, an attempt at pleasantry. He smiles, too, hoping if he appears slightly insane maybe his brother will take pity on him and haul him inside quickly. Maybe.

Jeffrey stares at Todd for a moment. Todd stares back. A car with its brights on goes by behind them, oblivious to what’s happening on the Andersons’ doorstep. Jeffrey seems to remember where he is a few moments later, once that car has gotten further down the street.

‘“Todd, get inside,” He says gruffly, ushering his brother into the house. Todd steps inside gratefully, into the warmth of his brother’s house. It’s dark in the living room Todd finds himself in and it’s quiet. It reminds him of home, of the modest two-bedroom he shares with Neil. Stupid, attractive, irresistible Neil. 

Anyway. Now is not the time to be thinking of his roommate, best friend, co-conspirator… Whatever Neil is to him now, his mind ought to be somewhere else. Todd tries to say something else, anything, but none of the words he’s thinking of make it past his lips. He resolves to just let Jeff interrogate him, like he almost certainly will, and go from there. Jeffrey grumbles something about meekness and inheriting the earth before he loops an arm around Todd’s and leads him to his cozy, simple living room. The tableside lamp is on, providing some warm-toned light to the darkened room. The brothers sit next to each other on the couch with a single brown leather cushion between them. Todd nearly says something about it looking awfully similar to the living room in the house they grew up in, the one their parents likely still own, but he stops himself. Let Jeff speak first before you go and insult him like that, Todd thinks. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jeff asks Todd, his hard gaze fixed on his younger brother. His voice is quiet, Todd noticed, and suddenly remembering Jeff has a--currently very pregnant--wife makes him feel about ten times more awful. Oh, no, what if his wife decorated in here?  What exactly was he thinking, showing up here in the middle of the night anyway? Oh, right. He wasn’t. It’s not like him, acting without thinking. Todd is usually cautious and even meticulous with his plans, but all of that went out the window nearly a month ago. When Neil suggested they start lying to his entire family about their being married, which they aren’t, and in love, which they also aren’t. At least, not openly.

“Did you and Neil have a fight or something?” Jeff asks when Todd doesn’t say anything to answer his last question. Oh, fuck. He should have said something, shouldn’t he? Oh, well. Or something describes it a bit better than a fight , Todd thinks. He and Neil did yell at each other after all attempts at a completely civil conversation had ebbed away, though, so that’s one point for the fight descriptor. Actually, Todd isn’t sure Neil even yelled at him back to begin with. He recalls with stunning clarity that it was he who did the majority of the yelling, while Neil just stood there and took it. God, he just stood there, Todd thinks. He sighs and nods, hanging his head in shame for a moment before looking back up at Jeff, knowing he had taken a bit too long to answer. 

“Yeah,” Todd admits, “He told me he loves me, and that he was pretty much using his family and how gullible they all are as a front to get me to fall in love with him, completely disregarding the fact that I’ve loved him since we were twelve years old already, so the whole lying to his family thing wasn;t entirely a lie on my part, but he’s always been a bit in his own head and hasn't caught on to it yet. I just… I exploded on him as soon as we got home, that’s the only way I can put it. It wasn’t very… Me, of me.”

Jeff heaves a sigh. His hands come up to the sides of his face. Nimble fingers begin to rub at his temples slowly as if their conversation had been migraine-inducing. That’s not even the half of it, Todd thinks, knowing in hindsight he had left out most of his feelings on the whole thing. And… Maybe it had. Maybe that’s what Todd does, giving people headaches and not doing anything after to quell them. Maybe he ruins everything and everyone he touches. Everyone he loves. 

Mercifully, Jeff lets Todd stay with him for a week. Amy’s delighted to have someone else in the house the next morning when Jeffrey informs her of this. She doesn’t ask questions or look at Todd funny. She just smiles politely at him and asks how he likes his eggs. And for a whole week, Todd goes to work and comes home to the spare bedroom in Jeffrey's house in and to his wife Amy’s excellent cooking, and he ignores the calls, text messages, and voicemail messages Neil leaves him. 

Todd does come home before next Thursday as he promised, though, so that must count for something.

When he steps inside the familiar brownstone’s foyer on Wednesday night, Todd can hear the TV playing some painfully not-funny sitcom and see Neil’s head poking up from the back of the couch. He jumps up nearly the moment Todd enters and meets him in the small entryway for a bone-crushing hug. Todd swears he can hear him sniffle softly.

“Hi,” Todd breathes. His brain short-circuits for a moment and he forgets momentarily that they’d ever fought as he returns the warm embrace, a small smile creeping its way across his face.

“Hi,” Neil says back when they’ve let go. He looks Todd up and down and then meets his eyes, looking apologetic. Todd wants to stop him, stop the onslaught of word vomit that's doubtlessly about to come out of Neil's mouth. But he doesn’t. Maybe it is time to listen to him, Todd thinks. “Look, you don’t have to believe me or anything, but I really am sorry. For everything, I mean.”

“That’s not anything you haven’t said before. What’s your point, Neil?” Todd asks, a little too sharply. But he doesn’t care. There’s a part of him lurking beneath the rest that’s still burning with anger, white-hot with it and hurt from their last conversation. That part of him rarely rears its ugly head, but it’s nearly always there just below the surface.

“Just listen to me, Todd, okay? Look, all I ask is if you don’t want me like I want you… I’ll back off, I swear, just… Please tell me so I can start moving on.”

The silence in the first few seconds that follow is deafening. Todd can read the anxiety and anticipation all over Neil’s face, clearer to him now than ever before. He fidgets a bit with the hem of his sweater sleeve, worrying his bottom lip between two teeth. It would be almost endearing if… If what, Todd asks himself. It is endearing, you love him after all. And in him, something clicks. Something slides into place. He’s known his own feelings for so long, been intimate with them. But Neil’s are new. Fresh. He’s not quite sure how to handle them yet, his footing is unsure around them. It clicked, just then, when Neil said he would move on that Todd doesn’t want him to, not at all. And maybe it’s the newness, too, the unfamiliarity, that makes Todd just a bit excited about what’s to come. About the words he’ll say next.

“I do want you, Neil, you idiot,” Todd says on an exhale as he tilts his head just so. Their faces grow closer in a split second, till Todd can feel as Neil’s breath comes warm and slow. It’s expectant, of both disappointment and the thing that they both crave now. What a strange sentiment. The knowledge of their shared desire… It’s foreign, but not entirely unwelcome. Todd thinks it might not be so bad after all, this thing they have going on.

“And I’m sorry, too, you know,” Todd says after a beat, “For yelling at you a-and being an ass before. You didn't deserve that, not all of it.”

Neil just smiles and grabs one of Todd’s hands, giving it a squeeze as if to say that all is forgiven. God, Todd hopes that’s what he meant. He gets clarity when Neil speaks again. 

“I know you’re sorry, trust me. Now kiss me, please.” The last few words are whispered, almost sacred, as they fall from Neil’s lips. He is beautiful in the early afternoon light that’s streaming in through the windows. He’s sincere. He is everything.

“Neil, no,” Todd whispers back, pulling away like a man burned, “I can’t. I can’t .” A pang of ice-cold guilt runs through him when Todd looks at Neil in the face, at the hurt he finds there. Something stopped him, though he isn’t sure what. Anxiety maybe? That little voice in Todd’s head asking over and over if he’s sure he wants this, the promise of something more with the only man he’s ever truly loved. Whatever it is, Todd can't bring himself to do it yet. To kiss his best friend for real. 

Todd could definitely, yell at Neil a bit more for a whole multitude of things. For being so stupid, so naïve, so clueless to the chasm of Todd’s love between them. For dragging his best friend into the folds of his hare-brained scheme, a plan that would only end in more heartbreak and anger and possibly someone getting disinherited. For daring to joke about conning his entire family just to stop his mother from asking about his love life. But… What did Todd expect, honestly? It was always going to be a joke between them, one they would laugh about with their friends until something else changed between them and suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore. Or, it was in Neil’s mind. To Todd, it had never been as simple as that. It was so very typical of him to overcomplicate something that everyone else saw as simplistic, straightforward.

“What?” Neil’s brown eyes swim in unshed tears. His bottom lip wobbles slightly, even, and isn’t that the icing on the cake? Todd can almost feel it as his own heart breaks in two. The sight of a confused, dejected Neil is enough to make Todd want to turn back time, try this whole interaction again and actually kiss him next time. 

But that’s not possible. He just keeps fucking everything up like before. Todd feels a trickle of anxiety run down his neck; just one more misstep could ruin everything he has with Neil once and for all. 

But Neil is forgiving. And he’s patient, usually. He’s not as quick to anger as Todd is. Which is why Todd says, 

“I’m so sorry, oh my god. Can I try that again?” 

He takes a few steadying, deep breaths after. There’s a beat, a dizzying moment where nothing happens. Todd can do this. They’ve kissed before. They’ve kissed approximately twelve times before, actually. Maybe not quite like this, with their love laid bare, but… The past week of living apart brought with it new life and novelty to a familiar feeling. The feeling is what Todd’s familiar with, it’s acting on it that could trip him up.

And Neil nods. Words would have been nice, but Todd’s taking what he can get at this point. He could have said no. He could have walked out. He could have hit Todd, right in this stupid face. Instead, Neil still stands in the same spot he’s occupied for the last fifteen minutes. He still looks a bit like a kicked puppy with his large, shining eyes and reddened cheeks. Todd notices his lips look rough, too, dry and a bit cracked. And Todd had caused nearly all of it. He had doubted even for a split second that this is what he wanted. That Neil is who he wants. What a ridiculous notion, really. Because who else could he love at this moment except Neil Perry?

Finally, after a few long seconds of silent contemplation, Todd moves to bridge the gap between them again just enough to be closer to Neil for what he’s about to do. He tilts his head to the left just so and leans in, his torso arching forward. Todd’s lips find Neil’s easily, colliding with them in a searing kiss. Two sets of desires meld into one, banishing any lingering inhibition. Todd smiles into this kiss and into Neil’s warmth. It feels right. It feels like coming home. It feels like the kind of love Todd’s not sure he’ll ever deserve. The selfless kind Neil’s fickle heart aches to give him. Strangely, it was this rightness that had been missing all those times before. But it’s here now, here to stay. 

They part after three kisses, faces flushed and eyes shining with unshed happy tears. Todd whispers another apology in Neil’s ear. But Neil just smiles a beatific grin—a perfect example of the happiness he wears on his sleeve, that bright joy he’s known for. Todd smiles back, feeling whole again, and realizes this is the first time in two weeks he doesn’t want to punch Neil Perry right in the jaw.