Chapter Text
You would think that the most agonizing pain would be pain that you yourself felt, but no. It was watching those you love in pain.
Shigaraki curled his hand around Hitoshi's wrist and as Izuku watched his skin start to flake away his friend screamed like he had never heard before. It was a scream that he knew would haunt him for the rest of his life.
It sent the boy to his feet barreling towards the two. He pried Shigaraki's crusty fingers from Hitoshi and kicked the man's face so hard that he heard a crack from the impact. The villain stumbled back and almost fell to the ground but managed to stay on his feet as blood gushed from his now broken nose and he tried to stop the flow.
Hitoshi was on the ground now, cradling his arm that was still being torn apart in front of their very eyes. For whatever reason, the damage seemed to be slower, but Izuku couldn't allow himself to think about that at the moment.
He pulled out his phone and immediately called Eraser telling him to get to the mall they were at ASAP, before he hung up on the pro and dialed Tsukauchi's number. The line rung only once before the man's voice fanatically asked Izuku what was wrong. He told him to come to the mall and promised that he would explain once he got here.
Once he got off of the phone he looked back at the villains. They were huddled together, both trying to stop the waterfall of blood still coming from Shigaraki's face.
"You two better leave before I kill you. I'm not sure how much composure I have left, and I can promise you that you don't want to find out." Izuku didn't recognize his own voice as he grit out those words and wished with all he was that his glare could kill the two people in front of him.
Unfortunately, no matter how much he tried, it didn't. That was probably a good thing though. Once he regained his sense, he would regret taking someone else's life. Even if it was one of their lives, that's still murder, no matter how much they deserved it.
The villains stared back at him with fear in their eyes. They had never seen this side of him, and it absolutely terrified them.
Toga pulled Shigaraki to his feet and the two scurried out of the alley as fast as they could with Izuku watching them until they left his line of sight.
Once they were gone, he turned his attention back to his friend who he was holding on his lap. "It's okay Hitoshi, everything is going to be fine. Help is on the way, and they'll be able to help. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to save you…"
"S-shut up." The boy below him coughed out as he grimaced at his still disintegrating wrist. "You're making me sound weak."
Izuku let out a weak laugh as he felt tears begin spill over. "You're right. You're too much of a bada** to let this take you down."
"Da*n straight."
"Alright, I've got to get you back inside so we can meet Eraser and Tsuki."
Hitoshi hummed in his lap, "Fine, but don't you dare carry me."
"Unfortunately, you can't stop me…princess." Izuku smirked and was met with his friend's glaring eyes.
"Shut up."
Izuku snaked his arms under Hitoshi's legs and behind his neck and stood up. He used his foot to open the door and began running through the mall, hoping that with how scatterbrained he was at the moment he remembered the way to the entrance.
Hitoshi groaned and dug his face into Izuku's chest as his cheeks burned and contradicted his pale face. "I hate you…"
"Say that to me after we get you help."
People stared at Izuku literally sprinted as if he wasn't carrying a teenage boy in his arms. Honestly, he couldn't even tell. Adrenaline was racing through his veins and Hitoshi wasn't all that heavy to begin with. It was something they were working on, putting on some muscle weight and eating more. Of course, he only would agree to it if Izuku also agreed to try to put on some weight.
It wasn’t as if he needed any more muscle, but strong as he was, he was still tiny. He had grown some under Eraser's care. With all of the food he ate, it was only to be expected, but still, he was too small.
After what seemed like an eternity, Izuku finally made it to the entrance where a squad of officers were gathered. Eraser and Tsuki caught sight of him running towards them with a very bad looking Hitoshi in his arms and sprinted to meet him.
Izuku collapsed onto his knees as the three of them met and Eraser immediately took Hitoshi from his arms causing the boy to snarl at him. Tsuki put his hands on his shoulders and begged him to look at him.
"Kid-Kid! What happened?"
"Shi-it…league…Toshi-arm…blood." He was out of breath and the fact that he was beginning to spiral didn't help with all the running he'd just done.
He could feel his throat begin to close and he began to panic. He fell back onto his butt and put his head between his knees, remembering some of the exercises Eraser taught him to do when he felt like he was having an attack.
Tsuki pat and rubbed his back as Eraser raced Hitoshi to some paramedics who took him and told the pro to meet them at some hospital.
He ran back to Izuku and Tsukauchi who were still on the ground and knelt down.
"Izuku…can you breathe? Are you having another attack?"
The boy nodded franticly, feeling tears form in his eyes as his mind yelled at him for being so weak.
If only he had been faster, stronger…Hitoshi wouldn't have gotten hurt.
He tried to do everything he could to eliminate casualties and he still failed.
God-he knew he couldn't be a hero! He couldn't even protect his friend. How did he expect to protect people when those closest to him kept on getting hurt?
"Hey, hey-" Eraser shook his shoulders and brought him out of his mind. "Don't let those thoughts control you. You are better than that. You are stronger than that. I know that you want to help Hitoshi, but you have to calm down first. Okay? Deep breath in…"
He went through some techniques he learned could help with attacks with the boy. Ever since that first night, he researched any and all of the ways he could possibly help someone who was so prone to anxiety and panic attacks. He tried to help the boy ground himself and focus on breathing rather than whatever was running through his mind.
Eventually Izuku began to calm down and as soon as he was able to, he was on his feet weakly yelling at Eraser to hurry up and take him to where Hitoshi was.
Tsuki promised them that he and his squad would stay. They were already clearing the mall just in case anyone had decided to hang around and he sent some officers to gather up their class. "I'll make sure they all get home safe, you two go and make sure that Hitoshi is alright."
Eraser nodded as he tugged on Izuku's shoulder to get him to move his feet and the two made their way to a car. The driver was told to get to the hospital they took Toshi to as fast as possible and Eraser pulled out his phone to call Mic and explain all that had happened. The hero agreed to meet them, and Eraser hung up, his attention falling to Izuku.
"Hey-"
"Don’t."
"What?"
"Don't say that this isn't my fault."
The pro took in a deep breath, as if readying himself for the conversation that they were about to have. "But it's not. You had no hand in those villains coming to the mall, you noticed them being there almost immediately and you managed to remain calm and lead them to a place where they could cause virtually zero damage in regard to civilians. You did everything right."
"But it wasn't enough."
"What do you-"
"Hitoshi got hurt! Hitoshi is being rushed to the hospital right now because I wasn't strong enough to protect him!"
"That's not your job. You two are friends and training to be heroes, the job comes along with some danger, you've got to know that."
"You think I don’t?" Izuku whipped his head to look at Eraser, his eyebrows furrowed and his lip trembling ever so slightly. "Of course hero work is dangerous, that's why I took up vigilantism in the first place, but I'm the one who’s supposed to get hurt. It's okay if Shigaraki gets pissed and uses his quirk on me because I'll come back, but Toshi? He won't. What if he died today? What if he died and I was too weak to save him?"
"He can take care of himself. You won't be able to protect him from every single thing that life throws at him, you're going to have to learn to trust him and the training that you gave him."
"But what if it's not enough?!"
"That's what being a hero is. It's working yourself half to death every single day not knowing if it'll be enough to save everyone, but we do it anyway because we want to help people. That want, that desire, outweighs the fear."
Eraser sighed as he looked at Izuku. This child had been through so much, when was it ever going to be enough? When was he going to get a break? He had already dealt with more than most pros ever would in their lives and he was just a child.
It wasn’t fair.
"Plus," He said, unable to get his voice any louder than a whisper as he thought about what he was about to say, "We don't know if you'll always come back. What if the next time you jump off a building, or run into a fight you're unprepared for…you don't come back?"
"Then it's mission accomplished."
"No!" Eraser's voice echoed off of the car's walls. "No, I thought-I thought we got past this. I thought that-"
"That what? That just because I met you that I wouldn't want to die anymore? Eraser, I'm appreciative of all that you've done for me, I really am, but you forget that I don't have anything. I don't have anyone to live for anymore."
"You have me!" His breath was heavy and uneven as he fought back the tears that threatened to pour down his face. "I thought that you finally realized that you had people who wanted you to stay alive. Me, Zashi, Hitoshi-we all want you to stay alive Izuku. Don't you see that?"
"I-" He started to fight, but when he caught a glimpse of Eraser's red eyes his breath caught in his throat. He forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat and looked down at his fidgeting hands in his lap. "You'd get over it."
"Is that what you think?"
"Of course it is! Why would you care about me so much?"
The hero groaned, "I thought we went over this! I just do, okay? We all do. You think that we'd all just cry for a bit and then get over your death as if you never existed? That's not what the people in your life do."
"Oh, come one, that's what they've always done."
"I-" Eraser started, his voice loud, but he retreated and closed his eyes as he took a breath. If he wasn't careful, he'd end up saying something he would regret. He had to remember that recovery wasn’t always a steady thing. "Look, I would care if you died." He said as he allowed the tears to slowly spill over. "It'd hurt me…so bad. So just-please…please promise me that you'll try to stay alive. For me."
The silence stretched between the two of them before he went on, "We don't know if your quirk has a limit, or a quota, or-or if you just need to die the right way, but I don't want to find out. Please don't make me go through that."
"I-"
"Please."
Izuku searched the hero's eyes. Searched for something, anything that would indicate that he was lying or just saying what he thought he needed to hear because he pitied him, but when he looked…all he saw was pain. Pain and-and love."…Okay."
The rest of the drive to the hospital was silent. Neither of them willing to speak and risk another fight.
Izuku was a bit shaken to be honest. Of course, he was upset about Hitoshi, but that was the first time he'd ever seen Eraser cry. To him, the hero was so strong, untouchable, unbreakable, but when he looked at him and literally begged him to stay alive…a little piece of Izuku broke.
But sometimes things need to break in order to be reconstructed stronger than before.
When they got to the hospital, they had just rushed Hitoshi into surgery to fix his wrist and so Izuku and Eraser were forced to sit and wait until they were done. It felt like an eternity and the quiet didn't help Izuku's wondering thoughts.
At one point, Mic had shown up and was trying to comfort the two of them, but they were too far into their own heads to really hear any of what he was saying.
Eventually a nurse came out to announce that Hitoshi was out of surgery and that he was okay. They gave him some medicine for the pain and so he was awake, but extremely out of it, but she said that they could go and see him if they wanted to.
They entered the room and Hitoshi was sitting in his bed just zoning out. Eraser and Mic took two of the seats against the wall and Izuku took to sitting at the foot of the boy's bed. He sat as delicately as he could, making sure that there was no way he could possibly hurt his friend even though it was his wrist that was hurt. He didn't want to take any chances.
He softly placed his hand on his friend's leg that was under some blankets and the boy's eyes zeroed back in as he came back to reality. He turned his head and stared at Izuku who could only give him a sad smile. "Hey buddy…"
Hitoshi stared at Izuku for a moment more before he burst out into laughter, making everyone in the room jump at his sudden volume.
"Uh, Hitoshi? Are you-"
"Why are you all looking at me like that?" He asked in between breaths as he tried to calm himself down.
Izuku glanced back at Eraser and Mic who just looked at him with the upmost confusion on their faces. "Um, how are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling amazing. Whatever they gave me is just," He mimicked doing a chef's kiss before he leaned back with a smile.
"Oh, that's…good. Um, do you-do you remember what happened?"
"Bits and pieces. I remember you being scared and splitting off and I remember being worried and going to find you. And then that crusty dude grabbed my wrist and then it gets kind of blurry." His head snapped to look at his wrist, as if he just remembered that it was bandaged. He lifted it up and looked it over, even tried to look under his bandages at one point, but Izuku smacked his hand away and chastised him which resulted in a pouty Toshi. "Bada**…"
"Wha-no, Toshi, it is not bada**, you could've been killed." Izuku tried to reason with his friend but was simply waved off as he continued to look over his wrapped wrist.
"We're scar buddies now!"
Izuku was at a loss for words. He turned to look at Eraser, but the hero merely shrugged with a slight smirk that he hid in his scarf and Izuku let out a quick breath. Was this what he was like? He wasn't this ridiculous, was he? No, he couldn't be…right?
"I-" He stared at a tired eyed Hitoshi who was looking at him with the widest smile he could produce. He wanted to scream, to chastise his friend for being so reckless and not taking this seriously, but what was the point? Eraser was right, being a hero was dangerous and Izuku couldn't protect his friend forever. "You know what?" He sighed before letting out a breathy laugh, "Yeah, we are. Welcome to the scar club."
"Aww yeah!"
It wasn't long before Hitoshi was released, and they all went back home. Eraser sent the boy straight to bed when they got there and told him to at least try to get some sleep before they left for camp tomorrow. He would've done the same for Izuku, but he knew better than to try to tell the boy what to do.
"Just be ready to leave tomorrow morning. And don't you dare die again tonight, if you do, you're going to be extra grounded, and you don't want to know what being extra grounded looks like I assure you."
Eraser actually turned in early as well, something about needing as much sleep as possible so he could deal with all of his gremlins or something. Izuku wasn't really paying attention, he just knew that he needed to let off some steam, so he changed into his vigilante attire and slipped out of the door, locking it behind him.
It was earlier than he was used to, the sun was still out, but he just needed to get out and do something. He had way too much nervous energy pent up that needed to be released.
Running across rooftops helped a bit, but what he was really itching for was to take down some criminals. It was still light outside however, and he knew that there wasn't as much activity for him to see with all of the heroes on patrol. Didn't stop him from hopping down an alley when he heard a disturbance though.
From what he could tell, it was some petty criminal trying to rob someone who was not having it.
The civilian was actually chastising the criminal and insulting him for being a horrible bad guy. As Izuku got closer, he realized that those insults sounded way too familiar and he almost turned back around before his brain berated him and told him that he was supposed to be helping people, not running away from them.
Letting out a heavy sigh, he ran in and quickly took out the criminal. It was sad to be honest, he was almost too easy after being yelled at. Izuku almost felt bad, but the voice in the back of his head that was screaming at him, distracted him before he could do so.
He could hear the boy's familiar breaths behind him and wished so bad that he was invisible. Maybe he wouldn't recognize him? He was wearing a mask after all.
Izuku slowly turned to meet those familiar red eyes that were staring into him and tried his best to seem composed. "I'll take him in, you're good to go." He tried to lower his voice in hopes that it would lead the boy off of his trail, but of course, that was too much to wish for.
"Izuku?" The words were out of his mouth before he could think any better of it and suddenly, all of the pieces began to connect. "I knew it! I knew I saw you-God-I thought I was going crazy, but you're here, you're really-" He paused as he had begun to pace back and forth, and his head shot up to look at the boy who wanted to be literally anywhere but there at that moment. "Wait, how are you still alive? I went to your funeral."
Izuku let out a shaky breath and allowed himself to fall into whatever attitude his mind was begging him to have. "Yeah, I saw. You looked remorseful and everything."
"Well, yeah I-" He stopped, his mind trying to take everything in. "Wait…so you're Serpentine? That famous vigilante or whatever?"
"Guess so."
"Wow," Katsuki breathed, "Never knew you could be such a bada**."
"That makes two of us."
"So, wait-how are you here? Didn't you k-" His words seemed to get caught in his throat and it looked physically painful for him to force them out, "Didn't you kill yourself?"
Izuku scoffed and leaned against the alley wall. "I sure tried to. Turns out the universe hates me or something because I can't actually die."
"I-" Katsuki was at a loss for words. The boy he used to know was not who was standing in front of him now. It made sense, go through enough crap and you become a completely different person, but just how much did Izuku change? "You have a quirk…all this time you've-"
"Yep. Although for once, I wish I didn't."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
The boy actually let out a laugh this time. Was he that stupid? "Oh, come on Katsuki. You think that someone who threw themselves off a building wants to stay alive? I can't die, no matter how much I want to or how many times I try. Pretty screwed up, huh? I finally get a quirk like I always wanted, but it's preventing me from doing the one thing I want to do more than anything."
Katsuki just stared at his old friend as he talked. He couldn't die…so he hadn’t killed him.
No-no, it didn't matter if he actually died or not. He still killed him; he was still a horrible person who did not deserve to be where he was. But the thing was that he was. He was where he had always wanted to be, and he was trying to be better, but no matter how many people he saved, no matter how nice he tried to be, none of it could erase what happened. What he did.
An uncomfortable silence filled the alley. It was clear that neither boy wanted to be there, but they both also knew that this conversation had to happen sooner or later. After a while, Katsuki couldn't take it anymore and finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry." The words seemed to fall from his mouth, surprising him just as much as they surprised the vigilante still leaning against the alley.
"What?"
"I'm sorry. What I did to you all of those years…I'm so sorry Izuku. I know I don't deserve to say those words, but I need to say them. You don't have to accept them; I just need you to hear them. I thought I would never get to apologize for everything I did, but here you are right in front of me alive and-" Katsuki thought back to all that time ago, all the events that led up to Izuku's death and his breath hitched. "Oh Izuku, I'm so sorry…" All he could think about was auntie Inko and how he didn't know. His parents hadn't told him, and he made that comment, and he didn't know. "I had no idea that auntie had-"
"Shut up. Don't you dare say her name."
Katsuki took a step back. He had never seen this side of Izuku before. Actually, if it weren’t for the familiar color of the boy's hair and eyes, he wouldn't recognize him. He looked so different now, he looked older, colder, emptier, but also…better somehow. Maybe he had found someone. Oh, he hoped he had, no one deserves to go through life alone.
"I understand." Katsuki took another step back and kept his gaze on the ground, not daring to meet his ex-best friend's piercing glare. "I just wanted to apologize I-I didn't know back then. That doesn't excuse what I said, but I just…I'm sorry."
Izuku honestly didn't know what to do.
This was what he had always wanted right? For Katsuki to apologize and own up to all the years of torture he put him through…but now that it was happening, why couldn't he bring himself to even look at the boy?
He stood by what he said earlier, no matter how irritating it is. Even looking at him now, he just couldn't hate him. No matter how hard he tried, how desperately he tried to yell and scream and curse the person in front of him, but he just…couldn't.
Katsuki was starting to get worried. Izuku hadn't said anything ever since he apologized, and it was really starting to stress him out. Of course, he had no say over what the boy did, but he just wished that he would say something.
He tried to catch Izuku's green eyes that looked duller than he remembered them, that sparkle, that hope that was always there was just…gone. What had Katsuki done?
After another few nerve-racking moments, Izuku finally lifted his head and looked at the blonde, his face giving away zero indication of what his thoughts were. He stared at Katsuki for a while before he gave him a stiff nod and turned on his heel.
"W-wait! What was that?!"
Izuku stopped and glanced back, "What?"
"That!" The blonde reiterated as if it made things any clearer.
"What, did you expect me to smile and say that it's all okay? Well, it's not."
"That's not what I want!"
"Then what do you want Katsuki?"
"I-" He tried but couldn’t seem to form the words he wanted to get out. "Why aren't you mad at me?"
Izuku stared at the boy. Was he serious? "Who said I wasn't?"
"You should be yelling at me, blaming me for everything I did to you. You should be beating me to a pulp to vent your anger. Why are you just walking away?! Yell at me like I deserve!"
He continued to watch as Katsuki slowly unraveled in front of him. He had never seen the boy so vulnerable before, it was actually kind of unnerving. To him, he had always been a pillar of strength and coldness, but this…this was someone different.
He let out a scoff. "That's what your problem is Katsuki, you always make everything about you. Just accept that, just maybe this one time, what I do has nothing to do with you."
The boy gawked at Izuku. Honestly, he hadn't meant to snap like that, but Katsuki had a way of dragging out the ugliest parts of him. What he said was true though; he got his apology, he acknowledged it, and tried to leave so he could avoid the rest of the conversation as much as he could. What Katsuki said made sense, any sensible person would be kicking and screaming for an opportunity to get at him, but Izuku just felt…numb.
It was like his mind was at war with itself and so everything just felt very gray and fuzzy.
On one hand, he finally knew just how horrible everything he went thought was, but on the other, he just could not hate the boy…and it was driving him crazy.
"I'll see you at camp." The tension was too much. Both of their emotions were all out of whack and neither of them were thinking clearly. If they stayed there, one would end up saying something they'd regret and Izuku could only take so much in one day.
He turned and left the alley with no further communication, and as he left, he could swear he heard sniffling, but elected to ignore it and go back home.
Shigaraki was beginning to get restless. Ever since the hero killer made it very known that he was against his league, the guy's been on high alert.
Sure, he had more recruits now, but the hero killer was still the hero killer. His itching had grown worse with the added stress and one of his members had mistakenly made a comment about getting him a cone that almost sent him over the edge, but Kurogiri helped to reign him back in.
He needed to do something about all of this stress and fast. That's how he ended up in the Shie Hassaikai's headquarters.
Tomura wasn't usually one to ask for help, he despised it actually. It made him feel weak, but he knew that he had to make the first move otherwise he'd lose. He had sought out the Shie Hassaikai in hopes of added manpower and influence, but what he was getting seemed more like manipulation than anything.
Chisaki didn't seem like someone who handled partnerships well, but Shigaraki was running out of options and their big plan was quickly approaching, so he had run out of time to be unsure.
He just hoped he didn't regret this.