Archive of Our Own ^beta

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do.
Yeah, they were all yellow.

Back to the keep.
A simple command, and yet it was hard to hear through all the rain and screams. And it was equally hard to get everyone to hear it and everyone in, while trying to keep the orcs at bay.

He was responsible for his elves, some so young, they had never seen an orc, nor a war before. Not that it mattered, for they were brave warriors still.

Haldirs biggest worries though were his brothers and he regretted taking them along.

In fact there were many things Haldir regretted later in different ways. But there was no time to think, he had to look out for his brothers.

He lost track of them when Aragorn had called out to him and now his eyes were scanning elves, alive and dead for the faces of his brothers.

Oh, what a terrible decision to take them along, though he was left no choice since they did not ask to come along but simply suddenly appeared half on their way to Helms Deep.

Haldir looked around and he was only for one second distracted, distracted by Aragorn and by the search of his brothers, his mind was not in the battle for a brief second too long.

The first injury was not fatal, it was merely a cut, something that could have been treated well, something he would not have remembered in a few days at last.

But he didn't see him coming, he didn't see the orc until the blade fell down, cutting between his shoulder blades and he swore he could feel it move through the armor like it was nothing.

They learned as young Marchwardens that being distracted in a battle could be fatal and yet they always managed to work together, the three brothers. Not once did they get distracted by each other.

His brothers — they had to be somewhere.

Once again his eyes moved over elves, dead eyes staring back at him and yet none of those were his brothers.

He looked up and searched for them further up, but the only thing catching his attention was a single star breaking through the clouds, the rain still in a neverending stream, the dirt forming puddles, blood and dirt mixing together in a dark color, water being illuminated by lantern and fires.

Everything happened so fast, but for Haldir it felt like time stood completely still.

And he wondered if that single star was a sign of the earth, of the new King beneath the sky, for new hope of middle earth and for them.

He wondered if the stars and the sky knew, if it wept for the death of men and elves.

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do;
And it was called Yellow.

He still remembered the day Aragorn asked them to let the Fellowship through like it was the first time.

He remembered Aragorns arguments and he could still hear them clearly in his mind, but he also remembered how he was trying not to get distracted by the Dúnedain. Of course he had heard of him before, they even had briefly met a few years ago, but never got the chance to speak.

Until this day, where Aragorn had asked him for this one favor. Only this one and how could he have had refused? The way this man was so clearly in for this journey, the way he would start argueing with a Marchwarden of Lothlórien in their territory, the way he lead the Fellowship in there with no fear and no worry, for he only saw the safety of the forest.

How could he have refused, when gentle eyes looked at him?

So, then I took my turn
What a thing to've done
And it was all yellow.

He didn't regret deciding to lead the elves into the battle. He didn't regret allowing Aragorn and his friends to walk through Lothlórien and rest there for a month.

He didn't regret spending nights of conversations with Aragorn while he was there.

He didn't regret coming here and offering his help.

But right there, when he felt his knees giving in, when he felt the blood and pain, when he felt the rush of blood in his ears, when he slowly realized it was over, that it was not a mere injury, that he wouldn't just get up again and continue fighting like before, he regretted.

He regretted taking his brothers along, because a big brother should have rather locked them up than allowing them to follow into a war they did not know the outcome of.

Yes, they were proud to fight alongside men again, to fight and die, die, — so many dead eyes staring at him right now. Elves and men. Alongside once again. Reunited.

He regretted, that they didn't have time, didn't have time what it was what they felt beneath Lothlóriens trees, didn't have time to find out what it was when Aragorn reached for his hand with unspoken words on his lips.

He regretted, that Haldir was never one for big feelings, for he did not know how to actually communicate them.

He regretted, that he failed Aragorn, for he only felt the rain drenching his hair, the dirty puddles around him, the sound of fighting and dying orcs.

"Haldir!"

Aragorns voice. Like silk in the night, it did not matter how scared, how panicking it sounded. It would always be the finest sound.

Perhaps Haldir was lucky that he got to hear it in his final moments.

He didn't realize, didn't realize strong arms wrapping around him, allowing his own legs to finally give in and fall — fall into those strong arms, the familiar scent of the Ranger surrounding him.

Unfocused eyes searched for those of the Ranger, searched for a point to hold on to.

If only he could hear, if only the blood in his own ears wouldn't be too loud, if only he could hear the half whispered, half screamed words of Aragorn, because the sounds of the battle became too overwhelming.

If only he could hear, could hear the way Aragorn regretted the same things.

That they had no time, he said. There was too little time, too many wars to fight and win.

If only they would not be a Marchwarden and a future king, if only they were simply a man and an elf.

'cause I don't care, if I lose my mind, I am already cursed.

If only he could hear the whispered words of confessions, gentle hands resting on his chest, eyes searching for his own.

But there was nothing else but the sound of war around them.

No comfort for the both of them, no sign for Aragorn that his confession was heard, that it did not go into nothingness, that it was not too late.

Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn in to something beautiful.
Do you know
You know I love you so
You know I love you so.

I swam across
I jumped across for you
What a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow.

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
What a thing to do
And it was all yellow.

Breathing, breathing was so hard.

Haldir looked up at Aragorn, noticed the worried features, the sorrow in his eyes, for he did not want to lose another friend to the seemingless never ending war and journey.

He saw Aragorn speaking words but he could not understand, could not hear.

He saw the regret in the rangers eyes, saw the confession, didn't need to hear it.

How he wished they had more time.

How sad that he had to end it right here, unfortunate how he was breathing out, breathing out his own life, here, on the battle field, in dirt and rain.

But right above them the sky, with clouds breaking open, with some single stars sprinkled out.

How he whished that he could tell him, how there was never someone else that made him do the things Haldir would do for Aragorn.

Everytime he would go into this war again, if it meant to help Aragorn on his heavy way towards the crown.

He would do it again, he wanted to say.

He looked up into dark eyes, dark eyes of a future king, of a friend, a lover maybe in another life.

How beautiful he was, Haldir thought. For a man. For a quite dirty man that was.

He would smile, if he could find the strength.

How he regretted, that things ended this way.

And your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn in to something beautiful.
Do you know
For you, I'd bleed myself dry
For you, I'd bleed myself dry.

Haldir couldn't hear the sharp commands Aragorn spoke in a rush, could not hear the cries of his little brother, could not hear Gimli holding Rúmil back, for he would probably try to fight the orc with his bare hands, could not hear them getting his body somehow to safety, within all this troubles and shouts and screams.

All he got was a glimpse of Orophin pulling a shaking Rúmil close, they were safe. Blood and dirt on them.

His brothers were safe.

They should have stayed home.

He regretted taking them along.

They all should have stayed home.

But they couldn't.

He did not feel his skin paling, did not feel the coldness seeping into his bones, could not feel his own hair drying with dirt and blood, his own blood at most.

Maybe he should have stayed home. Maybe he shouldn't have come here.

He would do it again, Haldir thought a few seconds later, when his eyes finally closed and he succumbed to the dark because he could not find the strength in his own body anymore.

He would go to war again, if Aragorn asked him to.

Would fight again, would die again.

For all the blood was not useless spilled, because Aragorn would be once a good King.

For the leaves of Lorien do not fall idly.

It's true;
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine.

The stars and the moon were slowly gone, making room for another day, for another sun to rise, when Haldir awoke days later, with two sleeping baby brothers on each side of him, his bones feeling so heavy, as if he had slept for years.

He blinked a few times against the light of the fire place which illuminated the room, a dark figure wrapped in a familiar dirty cloak in front of it, seemingly asleep.

Once again he closed the eyes for a moment, allowing the realization to settle in, that he was still here.

They were all still here, as far as he could see.

It was not too late yet.

"I hoped you would wake up before I have to leave.", the deep voice of Aragorn reached his fine ears and the figure uncurled from its seat in front of the fire place.

"Just in time, I would say then.", Haldir replied and carefully sat up with the help of the Ranger.

He truly had been laying around enough for the past days. It felt like it. Every movement still felt like a challenge on its own.

Of course Aragorn had to leave. The war was yet about to fully start, to break out over their lands.

With a glance towards his sleeping brothers, Haldir made another decision.

Enough of regret. Of the regret of not saying something earlier.

Of them not doing what they should have long done before.

"Help me up, will you?", he asked Aragorn and gestured to the door. The ranger did not have to be asked twice, immediately helping up the Marchwarden.

They only had this little moment, so little time. So many words to say.

And yet none of these words came over their lips when they stood in front of the door, only Haldirs slightly heavier breath could be heard as they gazed into each others eyes.

Aragorns were so beautifully grey, like the sky on a rainy day, but not a dirty day, more like one of these days where someone could feel nature take a deep breath, for the relief of the rain after a long hot day was finally coming over it.

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do.

Suddenly there were no words they could say, no words neither in the elven nor the common tongue that would be enough to say what they wanted to say.

Regret on Aragorns side that it had come to this, that he allowed this to happen, that Haldir almost died for a battle that was never Haldirs.

Perhaps Haldir should have stayed home with his brothers, should have stayed in the forests they kept safe for so long. Should have been a big brother and a Marchwarden there.

But Haldir regretted a lot of things, but not coming here. Not anymore.

Not when Aragorn looked at him with such look in his eyes he could not describe.

"Perhaps, if a King feels ever bored of his tasks, he may come to Lothlórien and rest for a while.", Haldir suggested, a small hidden smile on his face as he bowed his head.

"For sure he will, as soon as possible.", Aragorn answered and bowed his head in return.

"Good.", the Marchwarden replied and again they gazed into each others eyes. A bit too scared to do what they wanted to do.

If they did, it became real. It became real and if one of them wouldn't make it, it would open a wound they were both not yet ready to have.

So at least they thought.

They heard Gimli calling for Aragorn and they both moved out of their frozen state.

"I have to leave."

"I know."

"I will come back." (once everything is over.)

"I know. I would have gone with you." (If only I could. I would have followed you until the very end.)

"I know."

Haldir watched Aragorn walk down the hallway for a moment, both searching for the strength to finally do what they wanted to do.

It only took them one more step, another step further away before Aragorn turned around in a swift movement, moving to cup the injured elves face ever so gently, craddling it between sword calloused hands, and kissing him, kissing him so very deeply.

He kissed the elfs breath away, kissed him like no one ever did before and like no one else ever will again.

Haldir's hand came up to touch Aragorns shoulder, to hold him close, almost shyly.

They didn't know how much time had passed, the kiss said so much more than words ever could, they did not need words, they didn't have to hear them to know.

Only another call of Gimlis voice way too close made them break apart, heavy breath against kiss swollen lips.

"Be careful.", Haldir whispered in an unusual vulnerable moment.

Aragorn nodded, another kiss to the elfs forehead and he was gone.

Only the familiar scent of the Ranger lingered in the air, lingered on his body.

Haldir carefully reached up to touch his lips as he was slowly walking back to rest some more and take a look after his brothers.

Aragorn touched his own in almost a similar gesture, for they both could still feel each others lips like the kiss was still there.

A feeling Aragorn held close to him throughout the war, held it close to him with every kill and every win, held it close to him when he was finally crowned.

And perhaps if the King send a request to Lothlórien to see a certain Marchwarden soon a few days later, Haldir carefully hid the letter and smiled a bit to himself as he prepared the journey.

The colors of Lothlórien were just a bit brighter that day, the trees more green and the sun more golden, the flowers more colorful.

And maybe, when a Marchwarden was seen by the King in his private rooms and told him, that this was not their agreement, that he said Aragorn should come to Lothlórien and that he couldn't just send official notes to the Lady to see him; and when Aragorns eyes sparkled with laughter as he pulled his grumping elf close, the last bit of regret was kissed away.

It didn't matter anymore how close he was to death and that ignoring their own feelings almost stole them their last chance.

Because fate granted them another life and they both did not think of a second to waste it again.

And it was all yellow.