Chapter Text
Alec stood silently in front of his parents scolding glares, focusing his vision on a cracked tile on the cold, grey wall. He forced his body to stay still, back straight and legs aligned in a regular soldier position.
The silent brothers were communicating telepathically, and the wait was making Alec’s heart thrum with anxiety. At last, they spoke.
“Alexander Lightwood, your punishment has been decided.” Alec gulped.
Alec had only turned 17 recently, and so far he had done his best to stick to the rules. He knew that his parents would be furious if he were to do anything wrong, they made sure he always remembered that he was going to be a future leader. He had standards that he needed to keep up.
To him, it seemed like he could never meet those standards, no matter how hard he tried. Even if he did everything exactly right, he would get punished for another thing that he should have known he needed to do, even if they didn’t say it directly.
For the most part, as long as it went under the radar, his parents would take punishment into their own hands. He knew he ought to be grateful, there were far worse things that could happen to him.
As for what he was being punished for today, Alec wasn’t entirely sure. He thought it might be that he had hesitated for a moment on a mission, after all that was a surefire way to get someone killed. Then again, perhaps it was that he didn’t make sure Jace had cleaned his room properly for inspection, and they had found mundane items that no shadowhunter should ever have.
If he was fortunate, they might actually tell him.
“We have taken into consideration your position, and we have decided that you shall spend some time in the whitespace. Alec shuddered slightly, but remained tight lipped.
The whitespace was considered a minor punishment, surely it was in comparison to prison or deruning. The whitespace referred to several rooms that had been designed for sensory deprivation, where every surface was the same cold, white, smooth ceramic. The lights were placed at the top of the room, so that no shadows could be cast anywhere.
If that wasn’t bad enough, the guards were completely silent, and the prisoner would be forbidden from making any noise themselves. All the meals were unseasoned white rice served on a white paper plate.
Alec felt sick. He had been in the whitespace several times, more than anyone else he knew. It was infrequent that he would know why he was put in there, but he always wished they would just beat him instead.
Jace and Izzy had never had to go there. In fact Alec suspected he was the only one in the family who ever got that punishment. The last time he was there his head had throbbed so hard Alec had been afraid he was going to die.
An extra bonus was that the rooms were encased in some warlock’s magic, all runes were nullified, even those of parabatai.
Despite his fears, Alec only nodded obediently. He knew better than to try and speak, it would only make the punishment worse. As far as he was aware, the longest anyone had been punished with the whitespace was 6 months. Apparently they had never recovered.
Alec shook the thoughts of that poor soul away. Whatever he had done, he was sure it wouldn’t warrant that much time. Normally he was only there for two weeks or so.
Alec pulled in a slow breath, exhaling steadily. He could manage this, he was a Lightwood after all. With a final nod to his parents, he followed the silent brothers to his punishment.
--- --- --- --- ---
By the time he got to his new room, nobody had said a word. He stepped it quietly, and the door was closed behind him. They didn’t need to explain anything to him, he had been here enough times.
The room was roughly 3x3x3 meters, brightly lit as it would be for the entirety of his time there. There wasn’t a single item in the room, not even a mattress. An eerie silence filled the room, the cold walls were completely soundproof.
Alec made his way over to a corner, adjusting the sleeves of his all white clothing. As he pushed his back against the wall, he tried to think about the future.
Izzy, Max, and Jace’s faces flashed in his mind, and felt the corners of his mouth curve into a smile. Out of all the people he had ever known, they were the only ones he felt like he could truly trust.
Perhaps that was unfair. He had seen how his parent’s treated Jace, with a warmth and affection that they had never regarded Alec or Izzy with. If he were a better son he might someday get that too.
Alec didn’t know how long he was there for before a hatch lifted at the base of the door, and a single white plate and cup were pushed inside. On the plate was a small pile of unseasoned rice, and the cup contained some water. It would be too much to hope for cutlery.
Alec took his time eating, trying to focus on the meak flavour. It wasn’t much, but it was something to separate the monotony of the time there.
Alec had learned ways to cope with being in here. Those that he didn’t figure out for himself were explained to him by some of the others who had been put in here. Hodge had been his guardian angel after last time.
“Try counting down from 1000 in 7’s.” The older man had suggested, and as Alec put it into practice he found it did help slightly.
Eventually, Alec got back into the routine of the whitespace. The mealtimes were somewhat regular, and he had to push the clean plate back under the door whenever he needed to go to the bathroom. The shadowhunter did his best to keep to a routine of sorts, trying to keep two meals between sleeping, spending the rest of the time pacing around the room.
Whenever he was still, he thought about his family, trying to recall every detail about them he could manage. He would wrap his arms as tightly around himself as he could when he thought of them, trying to mimic the sensation of Izzy giving one of her hugs.
Time began to merge into itself. It became harder and harder to try and remember how many times he had eaten in the day, so he started to sleep when he was tired and think when he was awake.
The feeling of loneliness was steadily increasing. The guards didn’t help in the slightest, their shoes were padded and they never breathed a word when he made the short trip to the bathroom.
It hit a point where Alec decided that he had to make some kind of noise, just to be able to hear something. The electrical shock that ran through his entire body was sharp and agonising, and he didn’t try again after that.
More time passed. It felt like he had been there for longer than normal, but Alec vaguely recalled that it often did. He could feel the lining of his ribs now through the clothes, but he didn’t feel overly hungry.
Once Alec tried to touch one of the guards on the way to the bathroom, and the same electric shock meant he never got the chance to make contact. When he woke up on the floor he had urinated himself, and was silently forced into a change of clothes. It was something different at least.
Even more time passed, and still nothing changed. On occasion, Alec thought he might have heard something, a slight scurrying from just beyond the walls, but nothing ever came from it.
More and more time dragged by.
The rice was soft between his fingers, breaking apart under the minimal pressure from his now skinny fingers. Alec felt nauseous at the idea of trying to choke it down, so he left the plate where it was. He wondered whether he would get into trouble for that, but the guards just came in when he slept and wordlessly removed it.
The longer he was there, the more Alec felt like his life before now had actually all been a dream. It all seemed pleasant and wonderful. In his dreams now the whiteness closed in around him.
Eventually it reached a point where the feelings became too much and Alec would scream, always promptly stopped by a painful shock. He was always left panting after.
Touching any part of his body felt strange now. His ribs felt stark against the rest of him, and his hip bones jutted out under his clothing. He went as long as he could without eating the rice, just to feel something different, but eventually he caved in to the hunger.
One day, Alec finally hit a breaking point. His body felt twisted with emotions he couldn’t name, and he could barely move. Whoever had put him here had forgotten about him, he was going to die in this stupid whiteness. His ears were filled with the sound of buzzing with no source.
When he tried to picture his sister's face, he couldn't find the right features.
Alec couldn’t remember exactly what happened next, just the feeling of the skin on his wrists tearing and the metallic taste of blood filling his mouth. It was something different so he kept going.
Red splatters dotted the ground, and Alec was struck by it. He couldn’t make sense of it, too trapped inside his own head. He felt overwhelmed by the whole thing. His mouth was filled with the taste of copper, and he gagged at the different sensation.
The doors burst open just as he started to lose consciousness, and Alec tried to remember what he was doing. Black spots dotted his vision, and with little to tell him otherwise Alec decided to sleep.
--- --- --- --- ---
A long time had passed since then. Alec vaguely remembered waking up in a pale room with his wrists bandaged and people talking nervously around him. Other than that it was all pretty confusing, like his head was filled with fog.
Four months was his best estimate for how long he was there, based on the dates he had overheard whilst he was recovering. It had taken even longer to become “normal” again, Alec had needed weeks of reintroduction to different colours and despite years having passed he still felt overwhelmed at points.
Every now and then, the buzzing came back, and glimpses of white pricked at the corners of his vision.
Jace and Izzy had known that something was very wrong, but Alec could never bring himself to talk about it. Then again, he hadn't talked about anything at all.
At first they had worried that Alec had injured himself somehow, bitten through his tongue or something. Pretty soon they realised that he was able to talk, he just wouldn’t. Alec always felt like he couldn’t anymore.
It didn’t matter how much time they spent berating him, saying that he could have been in a much worse situation and just needed to man up, he didn’t speak.
Even Jace and Izzy couldn’t get him to breathe a word, he instead just listened. He listened to everything now, hypervigilant for any rule breaking that could put him back in that place. Once everyone had accepted that he was never going to talk to them, they picked up on certain gestures and movements.
Nobody broke a rule around him after that.
Until Clary came.
--- --- --- --- ---
Alec didn’t know what to make of the young girl in front of him. The institute was filled with whispers.
“Raised like a mundane but she’s a shadowhunter?”
“What an unusual girl, she’ll die within a week I tell you.”
The girl, as they put it, had warm brown eyes and long, pretty ginger hair. Ginger had become one of Alec’s favourite colours after he came out, nobody he knew had ginger hair. Clary met his eyes but didn’t leave Jace’s side. She looked terrified, but had enough curiosity to keep her there.
she had a familiar determination about her, Alec used to have that. If she stuck to the rules, what a shadowhunter she would make. That is, if she was allowed to stay.
Alec hoped that she wouldn’t break any rules, but he was doubtful. She didn’t know anything about this world, and that meant she had no place in it, not if she wanted to stay sane. Alec didn’t want to have to report her, he didn’t want to report anyone, but he couldn’t go back to that place.
He would do anything to never have to go back there.
To their credit, despite Alec having changed, Izzy and Jace had never left him. Alec could feel Jace’s emotions through their bond, and did his best to assure his brother that he was fine, that they were better off not asking. Izzy accepted this new him, but he caught her glancing at the scars on his arms a few times.
He wore long sleeves now, unless he had no choice. Izzy would likely be the next leader, Alec was no better than a mute guard dog as he was, he could never give orders. His parents probably didn’t mind that, they had always talked about getting a pet.
“Clary, this is Alec Lightwood, my brother and parabatai.” Jace’s voice held a note of pride, and Alec would have felt warm were he not so worried. He regarded Clary for a few moments, wondering how she would react.
“Hi, nice to meet you.” She offered out a hand. Alec only stared blankly at it, he knew what he needed to do but the idea of touching this person who would likely come to hate him was unbearable. Slowly she lowered it, looking to Jace anxiously.
“Alec doesn’t really speak, he’s a bit of a grouch but don’t worry, he’s all bark and no bite.” Jace joked weakly, eying his brother with concern. Clary seemed to accept this, looking at Alec once more before Jace continued with his tour.
He watched them as they went, noting that Jace seemed very interested in this girl, perhaps a little too interested. Buzzing started to edge his hearing, and Alec went back to training.
--- --- --- --- ---
When Jace suggested that they go on a mission, an unsanctioned one at that, Alec thought he might burst into flame.
“Alec please! It’s her mother, we need to act fast otherwise who knows what Valentine will be able to do.” He could feel Jace’s desperation slipping through their bond, but he pushed it down, shaking his head vigorously.
“If we have to go through the clave it could take too long.” Alec stood firm, staring at his adopted brother with pleading eyes. He had to understand, surely he knew that nothing was worth disobedience.
For a moment he thought that Jace was going to ignore him, when the blond man looked into the eyes of Clary. Alec could see the tears in her eyes, and felt a spark of irritation. He was sympathetic to her cause, truly he was, but breaking the rules would only make things worse.
He might not like this girl who had come in and stolen one of the only people who viewed Alec as a human, but he wouldn’t wish the punishment on anyone.
Clary had been surprisingly sympathetic, all things considered, but he noticed how she avoided him. She was always tense when he was in the room, and he wondered whether his reputation preceded him or if she just didn’t know how to act around him.
Certainly it had been bad enough when she brought the mundane here. Alec had stood back, trembling slightly, as he watched every reaction of the institute. He could barely hear what was being said over the buzzing, even as Izzy assured him that it wasn't a big deal. The mundane wasn't a part of this world, and that meant something bad would happen.
At last Jace looked back.
“Alright, I’ll go talk to Lydia.” Alec felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and his legs felt weak with relief. Clary cried out in despair, but Alec pushed away any sympathy. He was doing the best thing for all of them.
--- --- --- --- ---
When the mission was cleared, it had been several hours. Alec waited patiently for the verdict, avoiding eye contact with the girl. Jace had spent the entire time with Clary, and Alec was cautious to not let his jealousy slip through their bond.
To his surprise, Alec was allowed to join the mission. When he found out that they were meant to be going to a nightclub run by a downworlder of all places, he expected the clave to be too ashamed of their pet to let him go.
Alec got all his gear together, huffing with silent amusement as Izzy picked out his outfit.
“You can't go wearing that!” She exclaimed, eyes glittering. Alec didn’t remind her that they would ideally be seen by nobody other than this ‘Magnus’ guy, too caught up in her excitement to care.
Obediently he put the navy shirt on and took his time making sure his hair wouldn't accidentally get into his eyes if he had to fight. Ok perhaps he was a little nervous, but he was determined not to show it.
Once they were on the move, Alec felt better. Night was a good time for him, the colours were less garish and it was quieter, more peaceful. A cool breeze passed across his skin, leaving him with goosebumps, and Alec felt a surge of excitement.
When he saw Clary, wrapped up in Jace’s arms, the feeling went away. Even Izzy seemed more intrigued by the girl now, and Alec did his best not to feel rejected and alone. The cold feeling of loneliness had never fully released its grip after the punishment.
Inside it was busy, and Alec took a moment to adjust to the powerful scents and noises. He shook his head irritably, trying to ignore the loud thumping music. They needed to be alert.
It was a good decision to stick to, it seemed, as the girl soon got into trouble. Alec bit back a silent groan of frustration, he had hoped for a peaceful mission. Fortunately, none of the downworlders caused too much trouble, and Alec soon dispatched enough to feel that Jace’s new girlfriend was safe.
When he caught up to the group, he barely got his bow and quiver up in time to shoot the downworlder that came at them. He retrieved his arrow with ease from the heavy body. He took great pride in his bow and arrows, they were the one item of his that he truly felt connected with, the indented wood grounding in his palms.
When he turned back, he was taken in by the man before him. He didn’t know whether man could even be applied to this… to this angel before him.
Alec had always known that he didn’t see women the way other guys in the institute did, and he had been appalled when he realised that he did see men that way. It was wrong and he dreaded the punishment he would get if anyone were to ever find out, so he made sure nobody ever would.
What he felt was his, nobody else was allowed into that part of him. Sure, he would give Jace a glimpse of it every now and then, but the deepest, most precious emotions he had were pushed down. He had felt guilty at first, but it was best for all of them.
The man stared at Alec with a look Alec couldn’t name. Alec expected to feel cold under the intense gaze, and was pleasantly surprised to see the man only mirrored his intrigue.
With a single flourish, Magnus opened a portal, gesturing for the others to follow. Alec almost followed the others blindly before he realised he didn’t know where the portal would take him, and he paused, staring hopefully at the warlock. Margus didn’t say a word, instead reaching out a hand. Alec, despite himself, took it.
--- --- --- --- ---
When they came out the other side, Alec realised they must be in Magnus’ apartment. It was beautiful, not a speck of white anywhere. Distantly, Alec could see the new york landscape through the glass balcony doors.
Alec, when he got back to his room, had redecorated. The white walls that used to keep him safe at night were now cold and unwelcoming, and his parents had been gracious enough to let him cover them with a solid blue paint.
This place had none of the coldness of the institute, instead feeling warm and welcoming. Alec was vaguely aware of a person approaching him, but he didn’t expect the hand on his shoulder.
He jumped, dodging out of the way. Then he lay his eyes on Magnus. The man looked apologetic.
“My apologies nephilim, I didn't mean to frighten you. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, call me Magnus.” Magnus offered a hand, and this time Alec found he could shake it.
Magnus was looking at him expectantly, and Alec realised he was supposed to introduce himself. He panicked for a minute, unsure how to get the truth across to the warlock.
“I hope you like my home, I recently redecorated, do you have any thoughts?” Alec shoved his shivering hands into his pocket, doing his best to nod enthusiastically. The man’s eyes flashed gold for a heartbeat, so fast Alec wondered if he imagined it.
“Ah, I see. Once again, my sincerest apologies. Forgive me if i'm wrong but are you unable to speak?” His tone was soft and non-judgemental. Alec nodded, relieved that the stunning man had realised so quickly, rather than mistaking his silence for rudeness.
Magnus glowed with curiosity for a moment before he continued. “Do you know sign language?” Alec looked down, embarrassed. For shadowhunters, there was no such thing as sign language. They used gestures, but a deaf shadowhunter? Just a liability, they were sent away before word could get out about such a weakness.
“Not to worry my dear,” Alec blushed, “if you need anything, just tap my arm and we can work it out from there, please make yourself at home. You can sit anywhere if you need to, I recommend that sofa there before someone else steals it. Delightfully comfortable, it actually belonged to Edgar Allen Poe, who was excellent in bed I’ll have you know.” The warlock gave a coy wink, and Alec blushed more.
Magnus Bane was different from how his parents had described him. This man wasn’t arrogant or cold-hearted at all. Alec found himself hanging on every word, caught up in each elegant movement and flicker of magic.
When the time came for them to leave, Alec felt oddly sad. It felt like barely a moment had passed since they met this god on earth, and Alec wished he could stay longer. Then he thought of what could happen if he was late, and he froze.
What if they realised that he wanted to spend time with a warlock? His ears buzzed and his vision faded to white, and Alec suddenly felt they needed to get home very urgently. Everyone seemed to pick up on his anxiety, and Jace gave him a look as they said a brief thank you and headed for the door.
On the way out, a wrist wrapped around Alec’s, gentle and warm, nothing like the usual bruising yank of his parents. Alec met Magnus’ beautiful brown eyes, and his heart skipped a beat.
“It’s been a pleasure meeting you Alec. If you have the chance, I would love to see you again.” His voice was as smooth as a snake, and Alec felt butterflies in his chest. Then, Magnus was gone. Alec gave a final, longing glance at the door, and followed the others.