Chapter Text
The phantom limb pain hadn’t gone away. It remained as a dull ache hovering within the portion of Clementine’s leg that was so longer there. She tried to ignore it, buckling her prosthetic on each morning and getting on with her day, but the ever-present pain was wearing her down. At times it got worse, the ache transforming into a burning pain that shot all the way up her leg, stealing her sleep, sending her body into a cold sweat that left her exhausted come morning.
She knew that the others had noticed the pain. Though she tried her best to hide it, there were times when Clementine couldn’t hold back the grimace that constantly wanted to make its way to the surface or her voice would falter and she’d cry out mid-sentence as sharper, searing pain tore through what remained of her leg. Ruby offered painkillers and occasionally Clementine would take them, but she didn’t want to burn through the rest of their medical supply. She was months into losing her leg. If she couldn’t learn to live with this pain now, what would she do when the drugs ran out? Clementine couldn’t allow herself to become dependent on them.
The others would step in whenever they could. Louis or Aasim would often come alongside to support her if it looked like the pain would make her fall. A.J. was always offering to take on her chores or do extra ones to make her life easier. Though Violet couldn’t help around the school as much as before, she’d often sit with Clementine when the pain got especially bad, distracting her the best she could with anecdotes or random shit she came up with on the spot. And Willy continued to work tirelessly on prosthetic prototypes to help improve her function and comfort. Clementine was currently on the third model: great improvements, but still a ways to go.
Louis spent every spare moment he had by Clementine’s side. Whether it be making sure she was eating and sleeping OK, telling jokes, playing the piano or listening to her thoughts, her boyfriend was always available. With how much he hovered round her, Clementine sometimes wondered if he took any time for himself. She knew the events surrounding the Delta had shook Louis to his core. They’d lost so many during those days; Louis wanted to ensure that never happened again. With less able-bodied and grownup members than ever before, Louis took on more hunting, watch duties and other daily tasks than the others said he ever had before. Clementine was proud of him, but she wished he didn’t have to do so much; she wished she could help carry his burdens rather than being one herself.
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It was a particularly cold night when Clementine felt the phantom pain take over her body once more. Her missing leg throbbed relentlessly; she couldn’t get it to stop. Clementine tried lying still, going through numbered lists and imaginary sheep in her head, trying to distract herself from the pain. It only seemed to swallow her up more. She shifted on her bed, trying to sit up. That only caused the pain to spread, jumping over into her other leg and burning it as well. Clementine let out an involuntary cry.
“Clem?”
She had woken A.J. He’d always been a light sleeper, which meant bad nights often led to him not sleeping well either. Clementine tried to calm her breathing so she could tell A.J. it was nothing to worry about and to go back to sleep. Instead another wave of pain coursed through her, incapacitating her. Clementine collapsed back against the bed, whimpering. “A.J., get Louis,”
A.J. immediately obeyed, scampering down the hall to where Louis slept. She could hear his boots travelling swiftly across the floor before the door opened and Louis stood before her. Immediately Louis crawled up onto the bed, taking Clementine into his arms. “Clem, it’s OK. We’re gonna get through this. Where does it hurt?”
“B-both legs,” Clementine gasped.
Louis helped her shift so she was sitting upright, her back against his. His hands went to both of her legs, kneading firmly. Sometimes the feeling helped ground Clementine. But the pain was too great tonight. Tears rolled down Clementine’s cheeks despite her best efforts to hold them back.
A.J. watched worriedly. “Should I get Ruby too?”
“No!” Clementine was emphatic. “We’re not wasting any more medicine on this,”
Louis’ face nuzzled against her clammy cheek, his nose buried in her curls. “Clem, if it helps-”
“I said no,”
The room was silent for a moment, both boys watching helplessly as Clementine struggled to breathe through the pain.
“A.J.,” Louis turned to look at the young, frightened boy, “I need you to get me something from my room. There’s a mirror in my closet. It’s pretty big. See if you can carry it on your own,”
“On it!” A.J. exclaimed, running out of the room.
The leg massage wasn’t doing any good, so Louis moved his hands upwards, gently tracing her arms before reaching her face. He wiped away the tears, humming a soft tune under his breath. Clementine recognized it. It was the same one she used to hum to A.J. when he cried, something she’d shared with Louis months ago. She felt Louis’ arms circling her shoulders, pulling her tighter against him. She tried to focus on the pressure of his chest against her back. Louis was real. He was here; her leg wasn’t. How could that pain live on when the cause of it was gone?
“Found it!” A.J’s afro peeked out from above the mirror as he ran into the room holding it up. The mirror was certainly large, almost taller than him. It was covered in a myriad of cracks, but still usable. The moonlight reflecting off the mirror’s surface seemed to brighten the room as A.J. set it down.
“Great job, buddy. Now if you could bring that chair over here and lean the mirror against it, that’d be great,” Louis instructed. While A.J. moved the mirror into place, Louis shifted Clementine in his arms, moving her towards the edge of the bed until her good leg dangled off of it, Louis’ own legs firmly settled on the floor on either side of her. “Clem, I want you to look down at the mirror,” Louis directed. “Look at where your lower leg used to be,”
Clementine followed his guidance. Even by the limited light of the moon she could see her amputated leg clearly. Her pants leg was tucked up around it, tied off directly below the knee so it wouldn’t drag as she walked. Everything below that point was gone.
“Aasim and I did some digging through the library,” Louis whispered in her ear. “There weren’t a lot of medical books, but we did find one encyclopedia that mentioned phantom limb pain. That’s the name Ruby mentioned. It said the pain has something to do with your brain sending signals to the missing limb, like it doesn’t know it’s not there. I figured maybe if your eyes could see that the leg’s not there anymore, it could help your brain catch up,”
It sounded odd, but it was worth a shot. Clementine continued to look at the place where her leg used to be. Nothing but an empty span of mattress looked back at her. Sitting there in silence, watching the reflection, Clementine felt her heartbeat slow down. She wasn’t panicking anymore. The pain that had been spreading throughout her body was localized again, the steady throbbing centering once more underneath her left knee. The pain was still there though.
Clementine’s fingers reached down, tracing the point of amputation. She felt like a fool being crippled by this pain. The bleeding had stopped long ago, all risk of infection gone. Ruby had told Clementine that the wound had healed beautifully, the best they could have hoped for. Yet here she was wide awake in the middle of the night shedding tears when there was nothing left to heal. The wound had closed, but the pain remained and it was driving her insane. A sudden thought flittered across the corner of Clementine’s mind. Without looking away from the mirror, she blindly reached out.
“A.J., bring me my knife,”
“OK…” A.J. seemed uncertain but went over to the dresser, grabbing her weapon.
“Clem, what are you planning?” Louis asked. His grip round her had almost imperceptibly tightened.
“There’s just something I need to try,” Clementine accepted the knife from A.J. She felt the weight of it in her hands, balanced, real. She looked back towards the mirror. Before either boy could stop her, Clementine let out an angry cry, bringing her knife down and embedding it in the mattress below her knee.
“Clem, what the fuck!” Louis exclaimed, jumping back instinctively before leaning forward to see what had happened. “What did you-”
“Don’t move it!” Clementine ordered, lifting up a hand in warning. Her eyes were locked upon the knife. She’d driven it all the way down to its hilt. Only the handle protruded from her bed, sticking out directly below the point of amputation. She’d stabbed her phantom limb. She’d attacked the leg her body had insisted was there and nothing had happened. She hadn’t felt anything… because it wasn’t there. Clementine’s shoulders sagged in relief. For the first time in days the pain was completely gone.
“That was awesome!” A.J. exclaimed, his eyes bright with excitement. “It looked like you were gonna stab yourself and then woosh!” He imitated the striking motion over his own leg.
Louis gently took hold of Clementine’s chin, tilting her face back to look at him. “Are you OK? Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting a move like that,”
Clementine weakly nodded. “I don’t know how, but I think that finally helped my brain catch up like you said. Can’t feel pain from a stabbing if nothing got stabbed,” She was going to say more, but her body was suddenly overcome with a yawn.
A smile broke across Louis’ face. “You’re as badass as always. Want me to lay you back down?”
Clementine shook her head before letting it drop against his chest. “Stay,”
“Alright then,” Gently Louis shifted back on the bed, scooting until his own back was against the wall. “Guess we’re all going to get a good night’s sleep,”
Clementine murmured in approval. She could hear the bed across the room creak as A.J. jumped back onto it.
“Night, Clem! Night, Louis!”
“Night, kiddo,” Louis responded. His hand reached up to brush a stray curl from Clementine’s cheek before drifting down to circle round her waist. “Goodnight, darling,”
Clementine was too tired to respond. A contented sigh escaped her lips before long-awaited sleep finally overtook her.