Chapter Text
It’s well past midnight after their fifth date and Remus has Sirius pinned down on his bed, clutching at the bedsheets and pushing their hips together.
Sirius is panting, his long hair spreading over the pillows and glinting in the low light like an oil slick, reflecting the shine of the LED light strips that line the top border of Remus’s bedroom. The lights shift from dark blue to deep pink - matching the blush that’s worked its way from Sirius’s cheeks down his neck and collarbones. Remus shifts up onto his elbows, using one hand to tip Sirius’s head back and the other to hold onto his neck, thumb tucked into the hollow of his throat. Sirius is shining below him and god he is a star, isn’t he? His face is soft and trusting, open and peaceful, like this is the only place in the world he ever wants to be - and Remus has never felt so out of control in his life.
Honestly, Remus isn’t even sure how they got here - one minute they were tucked together on the big orange couch in his parent’s living room, sharing sips from a contraband bottle of whiskey. And now they’re halfway to naked, closer than they’ve ever come to crossing that invisible line. Neither of them are virgins, not by half, but in all the years of dancing around each other Remus had never really believed they would actually end up here.
Sirius came out in their sophomore year of high school, dropped into conversation over lunch like it was nothing at all. And it wasn’t - their friends adjusted quickly, easily. James almost knocked his basket of fries over bringing Sirius into a hug, told him, “We’re siblings, Pads, no matter what,” while Remus stared hard at his milkshake, blushing, mind whirling.
That summer Sirius and Regulus quietly moved in with the Potters. Telling his family had not gone well, but no one was surprised by that. The whole crew piled into James’s tiny bedroom that first night, drunk as anything. Regulus, perched in James’s lap, sloshed whiskey all over the floor and made fun of Sirius for choosing to have a name that matched the Black tradition, and Sirius had slurred, “Well I still wanted to match with you,” and then, more clearly, “And it feels like an even bigger ‘fuck you’ than deciding I’m not a girl,” holding his own beer up in a toast. Glasses clinked around in a lopsided circle - they could all drink to that.
In the three years since, Sirius had, well - filled out. Still a head shorter than Remus but broader, his voice deep and smooth. Still the same dark hair and big eyes. Still dreamy as ever. When James finally moved in with Regulus last month and out of the apartment he shared with Remus, Sirius had volunteered to help move Remus back into his parent’s house while he looked for a smaller place. And when he asked Remus out to dinner - slumped together on the floor after a long day spent moving boxes and furniture - what else could he ever say but ”yes, of course - when?”.
And now, tipsy from the alcohol and drunk on knowing his parents are out of town - Remus kisses the skin behind Sirius’s ear and feels distinctly like he’s been dropped into another universe. He’s hot all over, sweat pooled at the base of his spine.
Sirius is naked from the waist up, his binder somewhere on the floor with Remus’s sweater. Their bodies are barely touching, but Remus can feel Sirius’s chest, softer and more full than his own but not that different at all, really. Remus takes the hand from Sirius’s throat and presses it against his sternum, between his breasts, splaying his over the soft swell of them. The smile Sirius gives him is disarming in its intensity, a sweetness that even Remus’s notorious sweet tooth would shy away from at how easily it would do him in.
”You’re wearing too many clothes, Moony,” Sirius breathes out, tips his head back as far as it will go to try and catch Remus’s eye and winks when he succeeds.
Remus blinks, nods, and pushes back onto his knees. His t-shirt joins the small pile on the floor and he sits back, shivering all over. For a moment, they just stare, taking each other in. Sirius is lean and pale, soft and inviting, and Remus is, for a moment, self-conscious. They’ve seen each other naked a dozen times, but never in soft lighting with Sirius’s “soft gay longing” playlist on in the background. Never with the intention to touch, and feel.
”We could - ya know. Take everything else off too?”
Sirius sounds shy, questioning in a way Remus has never heard before and Remus knows, suddenly, that he would probably do anything Sirius asked if it sounded like that. He could ask Remus to stand on his head and read through the dictionary and Remus would turn himself over, say, “of course, darling, should I start with any particular letter or just from the beginning?”
Remus can’t even think but he nods, mumbles, “yeah, sure,” and Sirius beams at him.
It feels like slow motion, watching Sirius unbutton his jeans and shuck them off along with his boxers. They get stuck on one of his legs and he almost knocks Remus off the bed trying to kick them off.
”Shit, baby - fuck, sorry,” Sirius says, grabbing Remus by the hips to steady him, “I swear I’m usually more suave than this you just make me so nervous.”
Remus laughs, can’t help it - looks down at Sirius and the sound breaks off. Sirius should look ridiculous - naked with his pants hanging off of his left foot, thick wool socks bunched down to his ankles. But he doesn’t. He looks like a dream come true, his edges blurred by the lights.
Everything happens very quickly after that, like God has gotten impatient and pressed fast forward and well, Remus gets it, it’s fine. He pulls Sirius’s pants and boxers off and onto the floor, kisses the soft hair of his calf and sets it down.
There’s another moment’s pause, a heartbeat of hesitation. And then Remus pushes Sirius back down onto the bed where he lands with a soft “oof” of surprise, looking thrilled by this development. Remus takes the rest of his clothes off faster than he ever has in his life. Sirius rises up to kiss Remus right as he leans down to pull Sirius close, and it’s not even really a kiss when they meet - Sirius’s mouth is warm and open, their teeth clash with a loud clicking sound and then they’re laughing too hard to even keep their mouths together. It’s messy, painful and, beneath it all, impossibly tender.
Sirius breaks their mouths apart to duck his head down, press his forehead to Remus’s chest and say, “I’ve never - I’ve done other things but I’ve only ever touched myself, there.”
It takes Remus a moment for the words to sink in, distracted as he is by, well - everything. But they do sink in, and Remus starts to pull back. Sirius clutches tight to his arms and says, “Moony, I can hear your brain overheating right now. It’s okay, I want - I just thought you should know that it’s not just you.”
”It’s a first for me, too.”
Sirius says all of this still pressed to Remus’s chest, but he pulls back after so their eyes meet in the bright lights as they shift again to deep red.
”I know you’ve never been with someone with uh, ya know,” Sirius says, shrugs one shoulder, his confidence firmly back in place, “a pussy.”
Remus chokes on nothing, his fingers flexing involuntarily against the bedspread. He realizes, distantly, that his hands are almost numb where his whole weight is balanced on them but that doesn’t matter - nothing matters, actually - nothing will ever matter again after this.
”Is that how - I mean, what words do you prefer to use? For yourself?” Remus is very proud of himself for his steady voice. He rolls off Sirius but doesn’t go far, pulling Sirius close to his chest so they’re eye-to-eye, ankles tucked together.
”Dick, or cock is fine,” Sirius says, pressing a kiss above Remus’s heart, “and pussy, obviously. I don’t think I like anal but maybe it’s better with someone else?”
Remus is not sure he’s going to make it out of this conversation alive, his blush has spread down his entire torso and he feels like he might literally come any second but he just hums, runs a hand though Sirius’s hair and nods for him to continue.
”Today’s a good gender day, there are lots of days that aren’t. But ya know, generally, I don’t mind my chest being touched,” Sirius says. His smile tilts playfully then and he takes one of Remus’s hands in his own. “There are some places I think I'll always wanna be touched, though.”
Whatever crumb of control Remus had left disappears, is sucked up by the vacuum of longing that appears in his chest when Sirius leads his hand down to rest just at the end of the dark hair railing down his torso.
Before Sirius came out, Remus hadn't ever really considered the fact that his partner might not have a dick in the way he had always expected. The fact that his attraction to Sirius never wavered, irregardless of his day-to-day presentation, was a revelation. Something he had truly never thought twice about. He didn’t even have a very sheltered or conservative upbringing, but there are some things even his kind, open parents hadn’t ever explained to him. Since then Remus has asked a lot of questions, found lots of helpful Reddit threads in his research - and realized very quickly that parts had little to do with his attraction to people. Remus likes people and bodies, however they are configured. He’s just never dated much - being quietly in love for so long - and never gotten this far with anyone with this particular configuration before.
And so, if someone had asked Remus before tonight if he was confident about, well, this, he would’ve said “sure, yes.”
And it would’ve been a lie. Here, now, with his fingertips touching a patch of hair much softer than his own, he’s nervous again. Everything is uncharted territory. Soft, almost unbearably sexy, territory.
Sirius must sense Remus’s hesitation and he says, nervously, “Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine, I don’t - it’s okay, oh - fuck,”
He cuts himself off with a loud, deep breath when Remus moves his hand all the way down, pressing between Sirius’s legs and God, or whoever is watching, presses fast forward again.
It’s wet and sexy, softer than anything he’s ever felt. Remus trails his fingers up and down - and God he’s never been so hard in his life. This is not something he could ever have prepared himself for - the incredible velvety heat of him.
There’s no way he could have prepared himself for Sirius panting, twisting on the bed when Remus brushes over his hole for the first time, and they both seem to laugh in amazement at how quickly a finger, then two, then three slip inside him. Distantly, Remus is aware that lube is a thing that exists but they barely need it. Sirius is howling and pushing down against Remus's hand and so he just - keeps adding more fingers.
”Is this - are you okay? I can find the lube,” Remus says, slowing his movements to a sweet, languid pace. Sirius seems to catch his breath and sits up on his elbows, watching with his mouth open and Remus’s fingers pressing inside of him.
”I’m - Moony, if I was any more okay I think it might kill me, please, keep moving,” Sirius sounds as far gone as Remus feels and it makes him a little more relaxed, more confident.
Remus keeps twisting and petting, picking up speed and pressing his fingertips up hard. Sirius falls back like he couldn’t hold himself up for another second. Sometime between breaths he's started crying, big wet sobs, his whole chest shaking with it. Remus is watching his hand, amazed at the way his fingers are swallowed whole so easily. The bed sheets are soaked and ruined - how are they going to replace them without Remus's parents noticing oh god - and Remus keeps going, fucking Sirius with four fingers now, practically half his hand.
”Moony, please, please,” Sirius sounds broken, dashed to pieces, absolutely falling apart at the seams.
”I’ve got you, baby,” Remus says, curves his body forward to mouth at Sirius’s dick, pressing his tongue to the underside of it and Sirius all but yells.
Sirius’s hands are in Remus’s hair in an instant, pulling tight as if he’ll float way without something to hold onto. Remus gasps against his dick, panting with his tongue out and Sirius seizes up as he comes. His body clamps down on Remus’s hand like a vice, burning hot - legs shaking, hands pressing Remus’s head down onto his dick as he cries out, tears running down his face and onto the bedsheets.
Sirius lets up his grip on Remus’s hair, petting his hands through it awkwardly like his limbs aren’t connected to his body anymore.
”Fuck are you okay? Should I - pull out?”
Sirius can’t really hear Remus over the pounding in his head but he shakes his head - he doesn’t want to stop. Could do this all night, probably every night for the foreseeable future.
"Your hands are - so big, Moony, I don’t know," Sirius is whimpering and restless and thinks, vaguely, that he might’ve actually come a few times already - a couple of smaller quakes before the one that splits open the earth, "I didn't know it would be like this."
If Remus notices how shaky he sounds, he doesn’t say anything. He lifts his face and Sirius’s eyes are fixed on the spit pouring out of Remus’s mouth and down his chin. It’s so hot that Sirius’s body tries to come again, his muscles twitching around Remus’s fingers - he gasps, eyelids fluttering but not breaking contact with Sirius.
For a long time Sirius had been worried that he wasn’t supposed to want this - to be touched like this, wet and open on another person’s fingers or cock. But the way Remus is looking at him is grounding - as if he is a miracle come to life, something precious.
”You should - keep going,” Sirius says, wiping the tears from his cheeks with shaky hands, “I’ll tell you if it’s too much.”
Something deepens in Remus’s eyes and he rubs circles over Sirus’s hipbone and says, “You’re doing so good baby.”
His words guide a wave of desire through Sirius’s whole body, wrapping around his neck and threatening to pull him underwater - God, does he want to be good. Wants to take anything Remus wants him to. Wants to roll up onto his hands and knees and give him everything and oh, that is a thought he just doesn’t have time to unpack right now.
Remus carefully adjusts himself on the bed, gently pulls his limbs up so he’s sitting up with one leg hanging off the side of the bed. The fingers inside of Sirius are jostled a little, and Sirius whimpers. Remus wraps one long arm around Sirus’s hips to keep one hand firmly on his ass and Sirius feels like he’s going to shake out of his skin. Remus looks into his eyes, raises an eyebrow, asking - Sirius nods, says, “yeah, please.
With the new position, Remus has more leverage and he moves his hand a little, experimenting with angles. He twists his wrist, curling his fingers up like he’s beckoning Sirius to him with his whole body, hard enough to pull Sirius down on the bed.
Sirius can’t help it - he’s so sensitive, his entire body an exposed nerve - he comes again. Doesn't even realize it's happening at first because it’s never felt like this when he gets himself off. He’s never been able to come more than once at a time and his whole body is comfortably underwater. Weightless, floating. Remus just - slows the movement of his fingers, stopping when Sirius stops clenching around them. He leaves them pressed in deep and stares at Sirius while he shakes apart, moaning gibberish between huge, gasping breaths. Everything has bled together, rivers converging into an ocean, a wave that knocked his breath loose. Shaken.
After, it's dead silent in the room for a beat - and then Sirius is heaving huge, wracking breaths and saying, "What the fuck, oh my god," under his breath over and over again and Remus is still just staring like it's all caught up to him. His mouth has dropped open into a soft bow of shock and he looks down at his hand like he can’t believe it’s attached to him.
Remus finally takes his fingers out slowly, one by one, and Sirius curses with each one until he's lying there in a pool of - something oh my god that had never happened when he was alone. What is happening to him, empty and tingling all over with no idea of what comes next. The emptiness is all-consuming - he’s so wet, his body clenching around nothing and wanting nothing more than for Remus to slide into him, press him into the bed and keep him there for as long as he pleases. Sirius is dazed, unable to speak.
Maybe he should feel sore, but he doesn’t. Maybe he should feel embarrassed - he’s never come so quickly in his life, didn’t know it was humanly possible. But he doesn’t. He feels ravenous.
Sirius takes a few deep, calming breaths and tries to sit up, but can’t quite make it. His whole body is loose, boneless.
Remus is watching Sirius carefully. He’s still hard, obviously, and he's petting the soft hair above Sirius's dick, mindless, automatic. "That - that looked like a lot, are you?"
The last word buckles, splits in half. He tries again.
"Are you okay? Should we - keep going?"
Sirius can't help himself, he laughs. It bubbles out of him, he can’t keep it in. He feels absolutely giddy. Can't imagine what else could possibly come after this. He’s hysterical - delirious with the possibilities this opens up. It's not that he was ever afraid of someone else making him come, certainly would never be afraid of that person being Remus. But part of him has always been nervous that it wouldn't be as good as it was when he was alone. And was it even worth all the work, the risk, the mortifying ordeal of Someone Else seeing him split open, tossed against the rocks. It goes beyond the typical vulnerability of sex, deep into a part of him that has always been scared of being Too Much.
But Remus is not Someone Else. Or, he is - someone else entirely. Something altogether different. Remus is kneeling between Sirius's legs, watching his full chest heave and literally running his long fingers through the hair around Sirius's dick like it’s killing him not to touch it. Remus is hard, and big, and loves him.
Sirius runs one hand through his hair, wraps the other around Remus's wrist to guide his hand back down.
"Fuck yeah, let's keep going."