Chapter Text
The first thing Sera did when everyone arrived back at Skyhold was to ask Cullen and Ellana to return the favor she’d done for Cullen by concocting those ice grenades. Cullen, for his part, was relieved when he finally received his orders at the War Table. He thought he was going to get an ulcer from the dread of waiting for whatever ridiculous prank she had planned for him to carry out.
“A march through Verchiel?” he asked. “That’s it?”
“That’s it,” Ellana said with a shrug, handing him Sera’s instructions, which were barely legible and covered in crude drawings.
Cullen scanned the missive. “So many cocks,” he mumbled, turning the paper sideways. “I thought she wasn’t, you know—”
“Yes, for someone exclusively attracted to women, she is rather preoccupied with the male...equipment,” concurred Leliana.
Everyone at the War Table shrugged and sighed collectively before continuing with the business at hand. Important matters.
“If you squint, Lake Calenhad is shaped like a bunny...” Cullen observed.
Josephine grimaced. “Perhaps we should take a—”
“Oh!” Leliana declared excitedly, “I think I see it!”
~~~
Sera was leaning next to the main entrance of Skyhold when Ellana walked outside. “Well?” she asked.
“You’ve got your march,” Ellana said with a smirk. “I hope you can appreciate the sacrifice I’m making. Cullen’s going to be gone for an entire week.”
“Your sacrifice?” Sera inquired with a puzzled expression. “Oh yeah!” She formed her fingers into a V and held them up to her lips before sticking her tongue through them. “Nice Chantry boy like Cully-Wully? Never would have guessed he was so...skilled.” She guffawed at the shocked look Ellana shot her. “I can hear you, you know. His tower’s got holes in it and my room is right across the way.” She pitched her voice slightly lower and did a surprisingly good imitation of the Inquisitor’s lilting accent. “Oh Cullen, don’t stop. Yes! Just! Like! That! Ugh!”
Ellana wasn’t sure whether she should laugh or crawl into a hole and die. She decided to compromise. “I think I’m going to go kill a dragon now.”
“Isn’t that a week's journey just to get there?” Sera asked. “You’ve already killed every high dragon east of the Western Approach.”
Ellana paused halfway down the stone steps. “Damn it.”
“He’s happy though, yeah? Bet he’s as messy as you are when he’s done,” Sera said.
“What makes you think that?” asked Ellana, averting her eyes, concentrating on a raven taking flight.
Sera shrugged. “Lots of men under him. Needs a woman over him. Because positions.”
~~~
“Perhaps you should consider inviting Cullen to move in with you, my love!” Dorian grunted with effort as he attempted to set the giant on fire. “That way we can avoid little temper tantrums like this in the future.”
“Did you just hit that bronto?” growled Bull. “Dammit, Dorian!”
“Oops!”
“You’re not even sorry!” shouted Varric as he interposed himself between the charging bronto and Tramp, who was now too big to fit into Varric’s papoose, but still too small to fight.
“Why didn’t you leave that fleabag back at Skyhold?” asked Dorian, as he side-stepped one of Ellana’s personal fade rifts.
“Hey, I take my guardianship seriously,” Varric replied as he shot the bronto between the eyes.
“There are kennels,” Dorian sighed as one of his wards exploded under the bronto. “Cullen doesn’t take his kittens with him when he leaves Skyhold.”
“That’s because Cassandra—” Varric cut himself off. The Seeker was still a tender subject.
“She’s been borrowing them a lot lately,” Ellana said quietly after the giant crashed to the ground.
“Hey guys! I killed him!” exclaimed Bull.
“She loves cats,” Varric murmured, as he stared at the ground. “She had a white kitten named Neve when she was a little girl, one of the last gifts her parents gave her, but her uncle was allergic, so she had to give her away to a relative.”
Dorian and Ellana looked at each other but said nothing. Tramp bounded up to his master and bumped his head under his hand. Varric scratched behind his ears absentmindedly.
“Guys!” shouted Bull. “Dead. Giant.”
“But she doesn’t want anyone to think she’s soft,” Varric continued with a soft chuckle, “so she just looks forward to when Cullen leaves Skyhold, which is practically never, just so she’d have an excuse to play with his boys.”
“Guys!”
“Yes, we know, you big lummox!” Dorian turned, stood on his tiptoes and kissed Bull. “You’re a...bad...ass. That is the proper terminology, yes?”
~~~
“Cullen!”
The Commander had been dozing at his desk. His eyes flew open. “Yes?” Then he looked up.
It was Bull. “When did you get back?” he asked.
Cullen shrugged. “That depends on how long I was asleep. It feels like it was only an hour, but—”
Bull had circled behind the Commander’s chair, then gripped him by the shoulders and yanked him to his feet. “Good. Go see to your girlfriend.”
“What?” Cullen was a bit confused. he was used to Bull referring to Ellana by the Qunlat title he'd given her.
"She's driving everyone else crazy."
"That's...surprisingly unhelpful," said Cullen.
Bull rolled his eye. "Let's just say that when she doesn't have regular access to you she gets...really aggressive. And we’ll leave it at that."
~~~
Cullen was not expecting to see Ellana and Leliana sparring in the practice ring. Indeed, they were the last two people he’d ever thought would tussle. And then he noticed the Templars encircling them in a familiar stance.
They were negating the Inquisitor’s magic.
He looked around, saw Dorian watching from a safe distance, and decided to join him there. It was odd, hanging back with a mage while the templars did their work, but it was a good sort of odd. He felt...relieved.
“If I get any closer, I start to feel queasy. I can only imagine how our girl is doing,” he said to Cullen, as he passed him a bottle of Fereldan beer.
“What’s going on?” Cullen asked. He took a swig, then passed it back.
“Well,” Dorian took a deep breath, finished what was left of the bottle, and continued, “ostensibly, this is because of Halamshiral and because the Red Templars now have assassins in their ranks. We ran into them in the Emerald Graves. Ellana wants to take all necessary precautions in case she is otherwise unable to defend herself.”
“Remember, everything within reach is a weapon,” barked Leliana as she swung her wooden daggers towards Ellana’s midsection, “Your staff, your opponent’s body, trees, dirt, rocks, doors, anything you can manipulate without magic. Show no mercy!”
Cullen watched, fascinated, as they circled one another. “Is...is that my undershirt she’s wearing?”
It was indeed; paired with black leather pants and boots.
Simple.
Functional.
Sexy.
Cullen gulped.
Dorian chuckled. “What, would you have her fight in one of her mage robes? In this heat?”
It was a dance of ferocious grace between the two women; striking, blocking, counter-striking. Leliana flipped backwards to avoid a haymaker. Ellana rolled out of the way to escape a vicious kick.
“Does the rolling help?” Leliana called out mockingly.
“If you keep talking trash,” Ellana replied, “you’re going to run out of breath, Nightingale!”
Hit. Block. Hit. Block. Leliana caught Ellana around the waist and shoulder and flipped her to the ground. When the Spymaster reached down to give her opponent a hand up, Ellana kicked her legs out from under her.
Leliana kipped to her feet. “You dirty cheater!”
Ellana had also returned to a standing position and the women circled each other again. “Such accusations from the Left Hand of the Divine!” She pulled Cullen’s undershirt up to wipe the sweat off her brow, exposing a well-toned midsection.
“Unusually warm weather we’re having, Dorian,” Cullen mumbled, shucking his cloak and folding it over his arm.
“Yes, I said that already.” Dorian turned to check on his friend. Cullen’s eyes were so dilated that looking at them was like gazing at a total eclipse of the sun. His skin was flushed and his breathing had sped up considerably.
When Ellana was done, she dropped the hem, smirked and said, “I learned from the best.” She jumped onto the fence and walked along the top split-rail before gesturing to Leliana. “The first one whose feet touch the ground loses.”
Leliana raised her eyebrow and climbed up to join her.
Cullen snickered. “I never thought I’d see Leliana make that much of a tactical error.”
Dorian shrugged. “She still has experience on her side.”
The Commander smiled proudly. “Has Ellana ever told you how she spent most of her time with her Clan?”
Dorian slowly turned back to look at the Inquisitor again. “Exploring the woods…”
“Up in the trees, Dorian.” He began to unclasp his armor. “She’s evening the odds.”
Dorian smirked. “And why are you removing your armor, Commander?”
Cullen looked back up at Ellana and licked his lips with a lust-filled smile. “Where I’m going, it will just be in the way.” He called out, “Shapeley!” and began handing him piece after piece of metal, then finally dumping his cloak on top. “To my quarters, please.” Cullen waved off a wobbly Shapeley and went back to raking his eyes shamelessly over his girlfriend.
Sure enough, Ellana glided like a cat along the beams as they shuffled back and forth. More strikes on both sides were being landed; Leliana was concentrating more on maintaining her balance than she was about dodging blows while Ellana chose pressing her advantage over blocking.
Leliana extended her arm and hit Ellana across the chest, knocking her backwards towards the Templars. She was so sure of her victory that she immediately bowed to the spectators present. But then the Nightingale’s keen eyes caught Dorian and Cullen’s awed expressions and turned around.
Ellana stood on the shoulders of one of the templars, arms extended to her sides, one leg bent in front of her like a hook.
Leliana smirked. “Are you just going to pose like that all day?” She delicately stepped off of the beam and onto the shoulders of another Templar. “Or are you going to hit me?”
“Forward.” Ellana growled.
The Templar gingerly walked towards Leliana.
“You heard her, soldier.” Leliana said quietly. “March.”
Soon enough, the women had resumed their contest, precarious though their positions were. Ellana landed a kick to Leliana’s midsection that would have knocked her to the ground if she hadn’t forced the Templar down first to break her fall.
“Maker’s Breath,” Cullen exhaled.
“Is that drool I see collecting at the corner of your mouth?” asked an increasingly amused Dorian. He called out, “Get her, Ellana! Knock her arse in the dirt!”
By chance, Ellana turned her head and saw Cullen. Her eyes widened for a moment, then seemed to unfocus as the rest of her face slid into a blissful smile. She climbed down.
“You do realize,” Leliana called after her, “that if you leave, I will consider it a forfeit.”
Ellana remained facing in Cullen’s direction and gave him a look that made him curl his toes in his boots. She shrugged. “So be it. I—”
She was about to launch into a speech about how there was no shame in her losing to her Spymaster in single combat while having no access to her magic, but Cullen pinned her with his eyes as he bit his lip and she just trailed off.
“What was that, Inquisitor?” Leliana called out with a giggle.
“I...have...a thing,” she managed to murmur before breaking into a run, soon meeting Cullen who had taken off towards her and then caught her up in his arms before carrying her off to her quarters.
~~~
It was a noble effort on both their parts to attempt to get all their clothes off before ending up in the bathtub together.
“Oh no!” Ellana moaned, “Now you’re going to have to stay until your smallclothes dry off.”
“And my undershirt,” Cullen smirked and nibbled at her pulse. “Truly a tragedy of epic proportions. Whatever shall we do while we’re stuck here together, my darling?”
Ellana whispered into Cullen’s ear.
“At the same time?” he asked, a surprised grin spreading across his face. “You can do that?”
~~~
“Built in pillow!” Cullen marvelled, settling on his side and laying a kiss on Ellana’s thigh before resting his head upon it. “This just keeps getting better and better.”
Ellana hummed happily. “The rash I’m going to get is going to be totally worth it.”
“Rash?” Cullen asked. “Why would you get a rash?”
“Your stubble, Cullen,” she answered. “It...chafes.”
“I could shave—”
Ellana gasped, “Don’t you dare!” She sat up abruptly, which caused Cullen to lose his comfortable spot. He moaned.
“Cullen Stanton Rutherford, if you shave, I will hang you upside down naked by your toes in the garden and cover you with honey!”
She laid down again and Cullen settled back into position. He was quiet for a few moments while he lightly nuzzled her clit, then, “Are you going to lick it off of me? Because if you are—”
He yelped with surprised pleasure as Ellana took hold of his cock and sucked enthusiastically.
Why hadn’t I thought of this before?
~~~
One hour later…
“All right, up you go.” Cullen reached down and pulled Ellana to him so she was right-side up again.
“Afraid I might kick you in the head?” Ellana asked with a blissful smile.
Cullen chuckled softly. “Or I might put your eye out. And you have such lovely—” He reached around her stomach and began tickling her so that she wriggled against him, before drawing his hands up her torso and squeezing her breasts playfully. “Breasts—I mean eyes!”
Ellana giggled, rolled over to face him, reached up, and caressed his cheek. “I’m so lucky.”
Cullen snorted. “You fell into the Fade, got thrown in jail, and had a mountain land on you. That’s only the half of it, really. You call that lucky?”
Tears pricked her eyes, making them glisten. “I’d do it all again to be with you. The only person that gets to see this side of you is me.”
Cullen growled low in his throat and kissed her. Then he whispered against her lips, “You’re the only one I want to show it to.”
She sighed happily, tears trickling down the sides of her face. “I love you, Cullen.”
It never gets old. Hearing her say it still makes my heart jump in my chest. He pressed his lips to her throat. “Ar lath ma, Ellana.”
~~~
The next morning, Ellana checked in with Sera.
"I hear Verchiel was good pay for you, Inky, she said with a satisfied smirk as she leaned her door closed. "Time to go see if my friends came through too." She settled down on her pile of pillows and picked up a nearby mug. "Got a location for a stash. Hopefully something nice for my trouble. Well, your trouble. Just let me know when you're ready to head out. Be sure to bring your empty pockets."
"So, who's putting up the reward for this, anyway?" Ellana asked.
Sera made a perplexed face. "Don't know. Sometimes it's 'pass the hat,' sometimes it's 'I lifted this from master's vault.' Doesn't matter, does it? Job done, time to get what we're owed."
Ellana shrugged. "I'm ready if you are."
Sarah gave her a big grin and jumped up and down excitedly. "Always, yeah? My favorite part, this. Let's go see with friends can get us."
Soon afterwards, Sera and Ellana enlisted Dorian and The Iron Bull to join them on their little excursion to Crestwood. It was Ellana's idea to bring them along. Sera insisted that they didn't need backup, but Ellana had seen reports on Cullen's desk reporting that Red Templars were still lurking through the countryside there, though in lesser numbers than they had been previously.
~~~
Sera followed the map she'd been given to the drop location and discovered, much to her chagrin, that they weren't in town. "Wait, this is weird."
"What?" Ellana asked.
Sera dismounted her Basking Longma and tied it to a nearby fence post. "I was expecting a village or something. The people that leave me stuff don't trek out to places like this. Give me a city, and I'll give you a tour, but—surprise, surprise—I don't know stupid woods or ruins." A stirring in the brush caught her attention. "What's that?"
A young human male, a commoner by the looks of him, tentatively approached. "Don't hurt me!" he whimpered. "Harmond made me do it!"
Ellana rolled her eyes. "Right. Things have gone sour. As they do."
"No, no!" the young man cried, "It has to go right, or he'll kill me for the marching. It wasn't my fault!"
Sera raised her eyebrow at him. "You were the one with the rumor out of Verchiel? My friend?"
His eyes widened.
Behind them, Bull mumbled, "Oh crap."
"This will not end well," murmured Dorian.
The young man took a step back. "You're her? You're the one he's waiting for!" He stumbled away and took off like a shot. "It's her! She's here! Red Jenny!"
Two arrows to the chest shot in quick succession ended him.
Ellana looked at Sera out of the corner of her eye.
"Don't look at me," she hissed. "I'm good, but I'm not that good"
A pack of mercenaries swarmed them. Like they do.
Bull grunted as he beheaded the first one to come into range. "Whoever hired these guys is a cheapskate."
"What makes you say that?" asked Ellana.
"He could have gotten the drop on us, ended it quickly and efficiently," Bull replied. "You can always hide the bodies if you're wrong."
Ellana was too busy throwing lightning at fools to do more than shoot Bull a horrified expression.
Dorian spoke up instead. "Wanted to make sure he got his money's worth then." Then he set five of them on fire at once.
Ellana smirked as she phased though a mercenary, then spun, and slashed him with her Knight-Enchanter blade.
It was all over quite quickly. The lone benefactor called out to them from the further down the road. "Whoa-ho-ho! Hold on! I was not aware the inquisitor was personally involved! This is a tragic misunderstanding! Let's all sheathe our swords, you walk out, and will conduct this like business!"
Ellana started to make her way towards the voice. The others followed after her, with Sera calling out, "Don't believe this pissbag. He started it."
When she arrived at the crossroads, a young noble with prematurely gray hair stepped forward. "There. That wasn't so hard, was it? We identified the confusion, and we worked past it. I am Lord Pel Harmond." He raised an eyebrow at her. "I do hope, Inquisitor, that you continue to respond to reason. After all, your choice of company is hardly virtuous."
Sera snarled, "Frigging user, you are. Another noble prick who punches down!"
"We're the same, you and I. Well, that is overstating it. You're nothing like me. But we both need people."
He was insufferably smug. Ellana uncurled her fist and smiled at Lord Harmond, but it was not a nice smile, and he found himself taking a step back. "This ambush was your doing," she asked, "or am I remembering that wrong?"
"Granted, it wasn't a direct attack, but the first move was hers and, apparently, yours," he replied. "Honestly, previous to this very moment, I thought you'd also been tricked by these Red Jennies. Despite your 'foreign' nature, as Inquisitor, you are a social peer. I attacked them on behalf of us both."
"Arse-biscuit!" Sera growled.
Lord Harmond laughed condescendingly. "Quite. Inquisitor? Herald. I don't want to be your enemy. I am barely invested in being hers. If you are willing to recognize an opportunity, we could be exceptional partners."
Ellana crossed her arms over her chest. Behind her, Bull smirked. He knew what it meant. "You were up to something in Verchiel, Harmond. What was it?"
"If you mean 'bettering my wealth and position,' I am always seeking that," he replied. So. Smug. Cullen would have punched him by now, but I don't have that luxury at the moment.
"By getting people hurt!" Sera objected.
Harmond groaned. "Lady Chelle Morveau and I were jockeying for the land south of Verchiel. To claim land, you must populate it. My people encouraged hers to leave. Her people answered in kind. Et cetera. Really, it was all terribly standard displacement until your troops 'seemed' to change the balance. Well played."
Sera scowled at Ellana. "Stop talking to him. Really, just stop it."
Ellana decided at that point that she was going to have a little chat with Sera when they arrived back at Skyhold regarding what she should do when grown-ups were talking. She continued unabated, "The servants you killed, they did nothing except talk about what was going on."
"You killed my contacts," Sera cried. "My friends."
Harmond shrugged. "That is entirely true."
"Well," Sera gasped, "that should be that, then!"
"You were the one who empowered them," Harmond countered, "made their complaints a threat. Perhaps you should've warned them about talking to you."
Sera turned to Ellana again. "Tell this snot-splash no, already! Not saying again!"
There would also have to be something said about Sera undermining her authority by trying to boss her around in public.
“Bull? Wildcard.”
~~~
Two days earlier…
“So. ‘Resolve’ for Blackwall, ‘Wildcard’ for Sera, ‘Pride’ for Solas, and ‘Ambition’ for Viv,” Bull said quietly in a secluded corner somewhere in Skyhold. “Nothing for Varric, Cassandra, or Cole?”
Ellana shook her head. “If something I do sets one of them off, then whatever happens I have coming to me.” She smirked. “I noticed you didn’t ask about Dorian.”
“I don’t have to,” Bull replied. “Dorian would sooner cut off his own hand than turn on you.” He smiled. “Do you have one for me?”
Ellana shook her head.
“I’m touched, Asaaranda,” Bull said with a smile. He reached down and tousled her hair affectionately. “You should though. If I get possessed, feint on my blind side, then go low. Cullen says I leave myself open.”
~~~
Present day, present time…
“Bull? Wildcard.”
Without another word, The Iron Bull picked up Sera and carried her off.
“What is he…” Dorian began.
“I’ll explain later,” she murmured.
“Nicely done, Inquisitor!” Lord Harmond said, clapping his hands with approval. “Servants need to know their place.”
“Cut the bullshit,” Ellana snapped. “You listen to me and you listen well. If you want to walk out of this alive, you have one choice. You work for me.”
“Under Lady Ambassador Montilyet? I would be honor—”
Ellana laughed. “Oh, no no. I said work. Your assets, your lands? I confiscate them in the name of the Inquisition. And thank you so much for naming your accomplice so willingly! We’ll be paying Lady Morveau a visit as well—”
Lord Hammond turned pale. “You—you can’t do that, you—”
Ellana leaned in, a wide grin spreading across her face. “Yes. I can. The Inquisition’s jurisdiction runs all the way across southern Thedas, and Verchiel belongs to us now. You are going to be scrubbing pots in the kitchen and cleaning manure out of the stables for the next six months. Longer, if you don't behave. If you do not agree to my terms, all I have to do is say the word, and he lets her go. And she will kill you.”
~~~
Ellana was reading the Chant of Light in her room when Sera let herself in.
"Still angry," she said, hovering just over her shoulder.
Ellana said nothing.
"Angry face," Sera grunted as she sat down on the opposite end of Ellana's chaise.
When Ellana still did not look up from her book, Sera snatched it and threw it across the room. "You had Bull carry me off like a tantruming child!"
"That's because you were acting like a tantruming child," Ellana replied calmly.
"That arse was getting inside your head!" Sera protested.
"You're not crediting me with much intelligence," Ellana snapped. "You know, Sera, you can say anything to me in private. But don't you ever bark orders at me in public."
"Are you pulling rank with me, Inquisitor?" Sera asked mockingly.
"Is this some sort of game to you? These are people's lives that we are taking responsibility for! Every mistake we make reflects on the Inquisition. It weakens us." Ellana looked over to see that Sera was turned away from her. She grasped her by the chin and jerked it to face her. "I am responsible for more than you can possibly fathom. All of southern Thedas looks to us for guidance or aid. I am not going to throw away everything we've worked so hard for just so you can gamble with people's lives."
Sera shook her off and grimaced. "Sorry, what are you on about? Because that excuse for a person is a full vetted arsehole. You're sure as piss not putting me next to him!"
"I'm more concerned that your friends didn't know what they were getting into. You risked their lives for this scheme." Ellana narrowed her eyes. "You're no better than they are. No. Wait. I take that back. You're worse. The nobles don't pretend to give a fuck about the people. At least they're honest."
"Don't turn this around!" Sera objected. "Yes, they got hurt for talking, but what were they supposed to do? They were already being hurt. And who made it necessary to speak up? That noble arsehole, that's who. And that was just the one we flushed out. You'd rather do nothing than try to make this better?
Ellana groaned with exasperation. "How are you making things better? What have you done for anyone?"
"I make sure the arseholes pay!" Sera shouted.
Ellana's eyes flashed. "You make sure the arseholes pay you."
"Well, maybe...but...but..." Sera looked down at her lap briefly then stood up with a defiant grin. "Know what? You go suck friggin' eggs. I take back. No, I don't change the world, but that's hard, right? Even for Heralds, or you're lying!"
Ellana got to her feet, her cheeks flushed with rage. "You're damned right it's hard. But that doesn't mean you go around making things worse for the people you purport to help. When push comes to shove, if I have to choose between making arseholes suffer and making people’s lives better, I’m going to choose the latter and I don’t think you can say the same.” Ellana extended her finger in Sera's face. "You take back for yourself. Meanwhile, the 'little people' caught in the crossfire of your revenge fantasy go on with their lives, if they're lucky, and continue to suffer as much as they had before. Whose lives have you made better that wasn’t the result of a direct order from me, but rather of your own volition? Think about that, and when you have an answer, then we’ll talk.”