Chapter Text
Remus
He’s standing by the gate waiting for Lily, Teddy and Harry when a very small blonde girl runs up to him.
“Uh, hi.” He stares down at her for a long moment she stares back unblinking.
“Hi.” She says, voice high and airy. She bunches her hands in her dress. “My mam’s not here yet.” She says just as light. “You have wrackspurts.” She points at his head and Remus runs a hand through his hair.
“Sorry?” She tugs at his hand.
“Wrackspurts!” She says, he looks around for any other parent that looks remotely like her, to his luck there is none. He crouches down.
“Where are you meant to be?” He asks carefully, she still has her hand curled up in his fingers tapping his palm.
“With Miss Minerva.” She looks up at his head, running her hand through the air right next to his face. “They’re not dangerous, don’t be scared.” She says very seriously, “just worried.” Remus still hasn’t seen her blink. Right.
“How about we get you back to Miss Minerva huh?” The other parents were starting to move towards the gate now, taking their kids home, the next class is lined up to be led out, he can see Teddy’s bright hair. The girl tugs on his hand and he gets back up ignoring the crack his knee makes.
“Silly Nargles.” She says patting his knee.
“What’s your name love?” He asks then as she starts to walk back towards the school.
“Luna, Luna Lovegood!” She says cheerily, he remembers Harry talking about someone named Luna.
“Hi Luna, I’m Remus.”
“I know, you’re Harry’s uncle, Miss Lily is your sister.” Remus blinks down at her, “Harry’s my cousin.” She smiles up at him, “well mam says he is.”
“Is your Mum Petunia?” He thought she had only had the one, and there is no way this sweet girl was in anyway related to her.
“MAM!” Luna squeals running now and letting go of Remus’ hand, she jumps straight up into the arms of a tall narrow women with bleach blonde dreadlocks decorated in a million different beads and hoops.
“Hi Starflower.” The women smiles swinging Luna about now. She’s dawned in a long white flowing shirt, a brown corset and a pair of cream sharwal’s. Her chunky cardigan is decorated in stars. “Hi,” she says, voice warm and luring as she steps closer to him. “I’m Pandora, are you waiting for your kid?”
“That’s Remus Mam.” Luna says, “he’s full of Wrackspurts.” Pandora looks down to her daughter for a moment and then back up at Remus.
“Lily’s Remus? Oh, and so you are. I have a tea that would help.” She tilts her head, similarly to her daughter she doesn’t seem to blink.
“I’m sorry?”
“You’re anxious darling. Some of the living world are able to see the auras or emotions another might be feeling, but you, you’re full of anxious dread. It’s all around you.” She runs her hand through the air right next to his face just as her daughter had.
“I’m fine, really.” He looks around for Teddy, he can’t find him.
“I’ll give Lily some tea, you must come over sometime, Harry loves telling Luna all about you, and Lily never quite shuts up about you, we’re dying to meet you. In your own time, though. Something tells me you’re moving through the path least taken at the moment.” Remus doesn’t even want to begin to unwrap what that might mean.
“Panda!” Lily’s voice flows over them and he turns to watch her walking up the hill, Harry on her hip, Teddy holding onto her hand. The second he sees Remus he runs right up to him.
“Remmy!” Teddy cries and Remus has just enough time to crouch down and catch him in his arms.
“Hi Pup.” Remus smiles brightly, hoisting him up until he’s settled. “How was school?”
“Bright.” Teddy says leaning his head down against Remus’ shoulder, Remus looks to Lily worry etching into his face.
“They were fixing the lights, the bulbs are fluorescent now- yes Harry, okay,” she puts the restless toddler down and he runs right up to Pandora.
“Loony!”
“You two were just with each other,” Pandora says fondly, but she manages to juggle the both of them in her arms.
“They brought the wrong bulbs, it upset Teddy a bit.” Lily continues hugging him from the side. She seemed tired.
“Ah,” Remus says, tucking some of her hair behind her ear, “you okay?” He asks, very aware of Pandora's eyes still on him.
“Longg day.” Lily sighs. He smiles a little.
“Want to go to the p-a-r-k?” He asks then and she tilts her face up to look at him.
“We need a new co-word,” she whispers, “Harry's figured it out,” Remus’ eyes trail up to where Harry looks like he might burst from excitement in Pandora’s arms.
“Can we PLEASEEEEE ?” He asks, eyes bright and hands moving faster than should be possible. “Can Luna come? As well?” Remus bites into his lip.
“We can buddy, but you'll have to ask Pandora not Remus,” Lily leans forward kissing her son on his forehead who spins in Pandora's arms and looks up to her.
“May Luna come with us today?” Harry asks and then he's spun back around, “sleepover as well? With Teddy and Luna! They don't get to talk much,” Harry pouts and Remus feels Teddy’s legs start to kick. Right. “He's in Hufflepuff in your class mum.” Harry says matter of fact, “and Loony’s a ravenclaw! They don't share lunch like us.”
“Course she can baby.” Pandora says airily, "if Lily doesn't mind watching her?” Pandora smiles kindly and Lily beams.
“Not at all. I'll grab her carseat from you.” Okay. 3 kids for a whole night. That doesn't sound like a bad idea. At. All.
Sirius
James is on a run after work. Which means Sirius was on a run after work. And he would sit there and argue he hates it, that he hates getting sweaty and gross first thing after work, that he hates the ragged feeling in his body afterwards. Especially after the day they just had. But that would be a lie. And Sirius Black didn't lie.
In fact he loved it .
He loves the feeling of being alive pumping through his body, the sheer electricity shooting through every atom. The feeling of forever and freedom. When they were younger James and Sirius used to train all of the time, they were both on the soccer team all right up to their 12th year of highschool, before James’ addiction to it all started and he was taken off the team, off the field. Pushing himself to new means meant training 12 out of the 18 hours he was awake, eating barely nothing, sleeping barely ever just so he could run another lap and pull more weights, just so he could be better . Until his accident. Sirius had quit in solitude, and he had hated that, hated not being able to run, to play. When James was getting better his therapist suggested slowly reintroducing himself to the training and the sport. Marlene helped him with the actual game training but Sirius stuck to running, marathon training.
“You're slowing down old man,” James calls against the wind, Sirius feels a flare of anger under his skin.
“I'm barely a Year older!” Sirius pushes forward, his breathing jagged in his chest, the feeling in his fingertips nearly gone.
“Well stop acting like it's 20 then!” Sirius overtakes him, fuck marathon training this is now a sprint. “THERE THEY ARE!” James cheers but he's hot on his heel and Sirius pushes himself further, he tries to remember how to even out his breathing instead of gasping, tries to remember how to keep his pace even but he wanted to win and that was a dangerous thing for Sirius Black.
“Sod off Potter,” Sirius yells back when James almost trips him, pushes himself harder again, they're back in the trees that line the park, Sirius’ hands coming up and blocking branches, snapping a few off on accident. He can feel Kreacher’s eyes on him from this morning. James is huffing behind him, Sirius can tell he's struggling to keep up, maybe they should quit, maybe this was too fast, but then James almost over takes him and Sirius fucking loses it . He can feel the silence in the car as he drove Remus back . He picks up pace, charges forward and ignores everything else. He can still feel Remus disappearing from every room Sirius was in, can watch him avoid him for the rest of the day, can’t help but think about what Walburga had told him. He picks up a pace, relishes in the feeling that overtakes his body, the lightness to him, his bones and joints and being, the clarity in his head the quietening thoughts the faster he ran, relishes in the feeling of nothing just this once.
“Sirius!” James calls but he has just broken past the trees right into the actual park, he's running across the large green fields, moisture and loose blades hugging to his leggings. “Siri!” James yells, but he can see their stuff just up ahead, he was so close. He crashes, right into the field rolling onto his back, chest heaving and eyes tracking the sky crazed. His hands fly to their bags, digs for his water, gulps at it before he can hear James running up. “Mate what the fuck? Did I actually offend you?” James crashes down next to him. “You're not old,” he almost snaps before he snatches the bottle of water from Sirius’ hands and Sirius groans.
“Potter. Give me back the water.” James lets it go instantly and Sirius nearly downs it. “You're getting slow.” Sirius says then when his breathing settles.
“Oi!” James is smirking, “you're not so bad yourself.” He leans his head back, arms resting on his knees. “Godrick I missed this.” Sirius peers up at him.
“Losing?”
“So funny,” James snatches the water back Sirius lets him. “No. Running with you, not worrying about things for a bit.” Sirius hums.
“Yeah.” There's a ping from his phone and he looks over to it
Little Red Riding Hood:
That better not be you that I can see
The brightest star:
What???
He looks up then neck craning to look around the park, sure enough he can see Lily’s bright hair, three very energetic children running in circles around her and… oh.
Little Red Riding Hood:
Leave.
“Hey we should-”
“Oi! Is that Evans?” James is up, swinging his bag onto his shoulder. “Lily! Harry!” He’s already half way across the park before Sirius is stumbling to his feet grabbing at his things.
“JAMES!” He hisses but he can't hear him.
Godrick please save him, Lily Evans was going to murder him.
Remus
“Lily.” Remus stops all of a sudden his eyes latched onto two blurry figures up ahead. “Pray tell why my boss is walking over here with your ex.” Teddy, Luna and Harry have wandered off to the swings now. Lily looks like a deer in headlights, Remus doesn’t understand what’s happening.
More importantly he doesn’t want to understand.
“Not now, not yet, please. ” She mutters before she takes off running to meet James half way. Remus feels sick.
“Uncle Rem-us! Come push me!” Harry calls. But Remus can barely hear him, instead he’s watching as Lily becomes animated with anger, first hitting James and then Sirius on the shoulder, gesturing back towards him. Her arms are raised, her face flushed, James’ face is turning a darker shade, hand rubbing the back of his neck, Sirius is looking anywhere but at Lily, Lily’s voice is higher and higher until she catches sight of him. He doesn’t move, what was happening. Her shoulders heave and she has her head in her hands, James’ resting on her shoulder, Sirius hasn’t looked his way yet.
“Remmy!” Teddy cries, he turns to make sure he’s okay and watches as him and Luna slide down the slide together, hands clasped tight with bright smiles on their face. Remus hasn’t seem him like that for a while. He looks back to Lily to see her marching towards him, the two men trailing after her like cattle to a slaughter house. No. Nope. Whatever was happening he wanted no part of it. He marches into the park and starts to push Harry.
Sirius
Sirius Black wasn’t scared of a lot. He’s been through more near death experiences in his life than an entire highschool worth of kids would in their entire life time. In fact he prided himself on not being scared of the average, spiders, the dark, planes, murder, whatever, it took a lot to get him scared. And yet somehow Lily Evans was that everything.
“Lil’s I didn’t know you’d be here.” James pleads, Sirius hasn’t said anything, he didn’t want to say anything. “It’s a public park.”
“I texted Sirius!” She cries, “Remus, he doesn’t know. I’ve made such a mess of this all.”
“We know.” James says, “but he’s your brother, he’s not going to walk out now.” He pats her shoulder and Sirius feels the anxious buble in his chest grow.
When he had first met Lily they were in University. James was always hanging around her so evidently Sirius was always hanging around her and it was hard to not be drawn into the very being that was Lily Evans. She was loud, funny, sturdy and sure of herself, moved all the way to the middle of London by herself fresh out of highschool, not a glimmer of self doubt or grief. They had clicked instantly, in a way that he hadn’t with anyone else. She was kind when he was mean, she was soft when he was sharp. She always seemed to have everything in her life carefully placed and tied together, and she offered that strength to him like it costed nothing.
That was until just after her brother had graduated from his own course and she was more stressed than he had ever seen her. They all knew she had a brother, someone by the name of Remus. It was hard to miss, if you knew Lily Evans then you knew Remus Lupin, if not by person then by his storied spirit. She showed off photos and stories, proud as ever. But after Remus had graduated - right around when they were about to graduate themselves - the happy stories of their childhood turned to worried panicked ones. Remus not knowing what to do with his life, Remus feeling out of place, Remus barely making ends meet. He hated seeing her like that, hated learning that everything wasn’t as perfect as she portrayed it. He had offered her an out, sent out of internship across London, urged her to get him to apply, Remus did study communications and journalism in university, maybe there was something there.
It had taken a while to convince her, but eventually she sent it to Remus, and he was almost instantly hired. It wasn’t to do with the fact that he was another lost soul he was trying to help, or that Lily needed a favour, it was exactly as he had told Remus. His writing was brilliant. Truly amazing, his voice was strong, that was evident through each and every article he submitted for review. The first month was the hardest. Lily was panicked over every text she got from both him and Remus, scared that she would slip up, that Remus would figure out she had something to do with this job. That she had laid it out for him - or heaven forbid pitied him - so they both worked hard, harder than they should to keep it a secret until she was ready.
But now, now he had really gone around and screwed that all up.
“Lil’s-”
“Enough James,” She sighs, takes a deep hallowing breath. “He was going to find out, I just hoped not like this.” She looks back to Remus then, Sirius allows himself to look as well, watches his face light up when Harry cheers the higher he gets on the swing, watches Luna with a young blonde child bob on the see-saw. She marches forward, and they follow.
Remus.
He didn't know what to do.
It could be nothing, it was probably nothing. A coincidence.
Maybe.
Maybe they had bumped into each other after work and started to hang out, James was always easy going, Sirius was never one to shy from friendly companionship. Maybe he was James friend, not Lily’s. Maybe, maybe, maybe-
“Rem,” Lily says softly stepping up to the swing. He pushes Harry's back gently, his sole attention on the small boy.
“Dad!” He squeaks, “uncle Siri-us!” He almost jumps from the swing and Remus catches onto his waist before he slams into the floor.
“Uncle Sirius, uncle James!” Luna says happily running over hand interlocked with Teddy’s, how this small girl had known Teddy for less than 40 minutes and had already gotten over the issue of touch with him was beyond him. It had taken Remus months to figure that out. Sirius smiles at the three of them but doesn't greet them, unlike James who has crouched to their height and was now tickling them.
Uncle Sirius.
Fuck.
“Rem this is Padfoot and Prongs.” Lily says softly.
Remus was fucked.
Sirius
He's not saying anything, but Sirius notices the twitch in his eyebrow. If Lily Evans didn't murder him, he was almost certain Remus Lupin would, and he'd make it look like an accident.
“Remus.” Lily says, brushing her son's hair out of his face when he clings to her. Sirius doesn't know what to do with himself, doesn't know what he was meant to say. Lily looks almost pleading though, and he hates that. He think Remus does as well, judging by the emotions flashing across his face before he settles on something neutral.
“Right.” Remus' voice comes out dry, Sirius bites into his own lip. “Mr Black,” Remus nods. Fuck.
“Hi,” his voice is weak, he clears his throat. “Hi Remus.”
“James.” Remus looks away from him sole attention on James now, he hates that almost as much as the death glares Remus was sending him, “nice to see you again.” James offers a pleasant smile.
“You too mate, how are you?” Remus shrugs and then turns away and back towards the park, the blonde boy runs off after him.
“He hates me.” Lily says.
“He doesn't hate you.” Jame’ reply is automatic, swinging Luna up on his hip.
“Why is uncle Rem-us angry?” Harry asks, Sirius scoops him up then, still watching Remus retreat.
“He's not angry love,” Sirius whispers, watching as Remus helps the blonde up the stairs of the playground. “That's Teddy?” Sirius asks, Lily sighs.
“Yeah that's him.” She runs a hand through her hair. “He hates me.” James pats her shoulder.
“He doesn't.” Sirius bites into his lip.
“Come on buddy,” he jostles Harry higher on his hip and heads towards the park.
Remus
“Hi.” Remus jumps spinning around staring into Sirius’ almost silver eyes.
“Hi Harry,” Remus ignores the man holding his godson, instead leaning down to match Harry's eyes.
“Hi hi,” Harry says happily, he looks up to Sirius and then back to him and Remus almost wants to plead with the kid to not ask. “Uncle Rem-us why are you angry at uncle Siri-us?” Remus glowers up at the man before glancing back down to Harry, he forces the muscles in his jaw to settle, offering a small smile.
“I’m not upset at him bud,” Remus says keeping his voice light, “Pup do you need help?” He then turns, focusing on Teddy, ignoring the parasite of a man behind him. Ignoring the pain in his chest.
“No thanks, Remmy.” But it comes out as fanks, he bobs down and sits at the top of the slide.
“Pup?” Sirius asks, a flare of anger strikes through Remus.
“Yes Mr.Black.” Remus mutters offering his hand out to Teddy who shakes his head. “A nickname, or are you not familiar with that term padfoot. ” He spits the word like venom, he can feel Sirius stiffen behind him.
“I'm coming Teddy!” Harry squeaks when he's placed onto the playground, his shoes thump against the metal floor as he climbs up and sits behind Teddy, Remus watches as they fly down and sighs.
“Don't be mad at her.” Sirius says smally, it sounds like a plead. “Hate me, yell at me. Whatever. But don't be mad at her, she's delicate. We both know that.” Remus swings around then, as if the man new a single fucking thing about any of them.
“I'm not mad at her.” He snaps eyes ablaze. “I’m disappointed. I'm upset. I- I’m betrayed. And you should be ashamed.” He goes to push Sirius, hands raised between them, it would be so easy. But. But Sirius would be used to that, he would accept it even, Walburga had made that clear earlier this morning and Remus feel guilt lick up his throat until he hates himself. So he stops, drops his arms back to his side, sets his shoulders back and turns to follow after Teddy who’s now climbing back up the steps, feet uneven and hands death gripped to the railing like he couldn’t trust himself not to fall.
“I don’t…” Sirius starts, stops, opens his mouth again. “I don’t want you to feel that way.” He admits, and Remus has to clench his jaw.
“Sucks then, huh?” Remus snaps, eyeing as Teddy tumbles up onto the platform. Luna comes up to him then, sticks her hand out and grabs onto his own like it was a familiar gesture.
“Can you help me up, please?” Luna asks, her voice airy.
“I’ve got you Luna-”
“Sure love,” Remus cuts off Sirius, and helps her up onto the platform, “can you climb the stairs?” He asks, and her head nods, nods, nods.
“First steps always tricky, Mam says to always ask for help though, no Wrackspurts that way!” Remus nods his head along, as if any of that made sense.
“She’s talking about anxiety.” Sirius sighs behind him. Remus gives him a look. “Her mums a witch, of sorts. Specialises in mental health and home grown remedies.” Remus looks back to the bright eyed toddler, her blonde hair bobbing in the wind. Remus lets a soft smile grow on his face.
“Remmy.” Teddy grabs his attention. “Scars?” Remus stops for a second as Teddy reaches for his face, small fingers poking his cheek where a scar should be. “Healed?” Teddy tilts his head.
“No pup it’s-”
“There’s nothing to heal Teddy.” Sirius says over him, almost instantly, almost hotly, like the very notion was a ridiculous idea. “Remus’ face is fine. Just makeup.” He shows off his arm, it’s then that Remus realises he’s dressed in a low hanging tank top and tight fitting leggings. His eyes glance over to James who’s dressed similarly, shorts replacing the leggings. He frowns at the pair of them, what are you doing here . “See? Kind of like these.” He shows off his tattoos to Teddy who’s small hand falls from Remus face to hover over Sirius’ arm. There’s a patchwork of stars that stretch out across his collarbone and shoulder down his forearm, Remus traces the pattern with his eyes. “You can touch.” Sirius says carefully and Teddy snatches his hand back.
“He doesn’t like strangers.” Remus has a bite to his tone, instantly wanting to pull Teddy close, protect him from this whole dilemma. Sirius eyes widen ever so.
“Neither do I, don’t worry.” Sirius reassures the small blonde.
“Well I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t a stranger to you before you hired me then, huh?” Remus snaps, stepping between the two of them. And instantly he sees a flash of anger settle in Sirius’ eyes, something like a thunder storm hitting the ground.
“That has nothing to do-”
“Save it.” Remus cuts him off not wanting a single thing to do with him anymore.
Sirius
In hindsight, this was bound to have played out like this.
He may have known Remus for short of a week now, properly known him, not just known of him. But a few things were already saved in his brain.
- Remus did not like personal questions
- He didn’t like being in the centre of attention
- He was a person of flight, the second something became uncomfortable he ran away
- He drank coffee like it was life support
- He hated being pitied
“Remus.” Sirius says evenly. Remus ignores him, and it’s then that the anxiety switches to anger, switches to fear, switches to- he lashes out, grabbing Remus by his elbow until they’re face to face. “Listen to me when I tell you this, my having of known of your sister has nothing, nothing, to do with my hiring you. What I told you yesterday, what I told you ages ago, is the truth. I do not lie, I have never lied to you. And I will never lie to you.” Remus swallows, hard, and Sirius has to force himself not to trace his throat, has to force himself to stare at Remus’ face, has to focus everything into understanding the man before him. His eyebrow twitches and Sirius gets the sickening sense that Remus is about to leave.
“As much as that sounds lovely , and I’m very sure it has worked for you in the past. I don’t believe you. If you know Lily, then you know far more about me than I do you. And your life is plastered everywhere for everyone to see. Because you chose to. I didn’t chose to reveal a single thing about myself to you, you were never even playing fair to begin with.” He almost snarls and Sirius quickly looks towards the three kids who have stopped playing and instead huddle close by to listen.
“Lily! I’m taking your brother, can you watch these three?” And without a word being sent back, or an okay from Remus he tugs, tugs hard and drags them both off towards the treeline where he and James had been moments ago. Remus snaps his arm away from him like he had been burnt. His face is twisted up in anger and Sirius has to take a deep breath in to calm himself. They can’t both be angry, they’ll get no where. “Yell. Go for it.” Remus snarls at him.
“I’m not going to punish you because that’s easy for you to deal with.” Remus snaps. “You fucked up. You fucked up so bad you feel horrible about it.” And then as if he was thinking hard about his next words, he adds “ I hope it sticks to everything that makes you, you.” Sirius takes a step forward.
“You don’t know a single fucking thing about me Mr Lupin.” Sirius keeps his tone even.
“I can assure you, Mr. Black that I know more than enough.” Remus is quick to respond, stepping forward.
“Oh?” Is Sirius quick and smooth reply. “That’s just like you isn’t it? Thinking you know everything, thinking that you can get anything if you bat your eyes hard enough and fake enough smiles.” Sirius takes another step.
“Because I work for it, unlike you who was handed every single fucking thing on the planet.” Remus steps forward again.
Remus
Things he knew about Sirius.
- He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
- He hated confrontation
- His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
- He had far too much and far too little self confidence
- He drank coffee like he needed it
Things he knew about dealing with what was happening right now?
He wanted to leave, pick up Teddy, sprout some half assed excuse to Lily and go home and hide. He didn’t want any part of this, right now, fighting with his Boss in public. Didn’t want any part of Lily betraying him. Didn’t want any part of Sirius understanding him, seeing him. But. He can’t, he’s rooted to the spot with anger, something that he hadn’t felt in a long, long time. Something that he used to feel all of the time. Something that he kind of… misses?
“Please Remus,” Sirius scoffs then. “You met my mother today, you know that you and I are exactly the same.” He takes another step towards him.
“Oh yeah, she had so many lovely things to say about you.” He spits, hating that this man thought them anything similar, “should’ve figured it out as soon as I left really, that all Blacks are the same. Filthy, manipulative, liars.” He takes a step forward, the space between them closing in. Something flashes in Sirius’ eyes.
“I am nothing like her.” Sirius snarls, finally, finally the anger is there, Remus can see it, drawn up in his face, in the way he holds himself. They’re on even playing grounds.
“I have a tape that would beg to differ.” Remus retorts. “You know what? I quit.” He says it before he thinks about it, says it before he means it, says it and trips himself up, feeling all the part the beast his parents warned him about. He watches the anger fade to alarm in Sirius face, feels a slight bit of triumph before he hates himself.
Sirius
This was not the way this was meant to go.
This was not how things were meant to play out, Sirius was trying to get Remus to get angry so that they could talk, if he was angry he would speak to him, if he was tense and scared he would leave . He had miscalculated though, because here Remus was about to run away. He flicks through everything he knew about the man before him, flicks through everything he knew about himself. He smooths his expression, lets out a short laugh.
“Nah.” He says. Simple. To the point.
“Excuse me? ” Is Remus’ quick retort. It’s a flash of emotion really, something so quick if he wasn’t looking for it he would have missed it, the smallest twinge of confusion of hope .
“Nope.” Sirius says, “no, not happening, nada, no.” Sirius takes a step back, looks over to Lily and James and the kids, Lily who’s watching them intently, James who has Harry up on his shoulders. “You can’t quit. More importantly, you don’t want to.”
“Oh you think so?” Remus’ voice breaks, there’s a beat.
“I know so.” Sirius cracks his fingers, loosens his shoulders. “I know you, and not from what Lily has told me, in fact Lily has barely told me anything, the things she did tell me were only memories. You and her on her birthday, going shopping, school assignments. Nothing personal, nothing that would allow me to see you for you.” He pauses, waiting for Remus’ reaction, his eyebrow twitches.
“Thought you didn’t lie-”
“Guess I’m not lying then, huh? Lily has told me nothing about you. You did that all yourself.” Here he waits, waits for Remus to say something, and when he doesn’t Sirius can’t help the rambling that starts to follow, to fill the silence, he’s being idiotic, of course. He knows it, Remus was replaceable, but being his favourite in his entire workplace, that wasn’t replaceable. His voice could be found in anyone else, if they applied themselves, but the unnerving need to tear Remus’ story apart? Understand the man stood before him? All jagged edges and curled snarls and hidden memories, he wouldn’t be able to replace that. He didn’t want to replace that. And maybe that was selfish, but god help him if Sirius Black wasn’t a selfish creature.
“You freaked out when I asked about Teddy, shut down and reverted to anger before you fled. You don’t being personal with strangers then.” He counts his facts, counts them on his fingers and Remus follows the motion with his eyes. “You shut down when the room turns to you, both when you were introduced and when you brought up your brilliant idea to invade my childhood home. So you don’t like people, in general, don’t like crowds, don’t like being seen. Moony is a persona, someone you play so that people can’t know you, you build up walls and things to protect yourself.” Another finger is added to the first, his other hand gesturing as he keeps
on
rambling.
“You’ve been hurt, but that’s life, and you will continue to get hurt, but that’s also life.” Another finger, “you smile and bat your eyes and fake conversations when you’re uncomfortable, sat through Gideon flirting with you, so that you could go through with something incredibly risky afterwards. You seek approval, put yourself at risk and are reckless because, well, I assume your childhood wasn’t great. You’re like me, if you seem untouchable then you can get through anything.” Another finger. Remus crosses his arms like he’s trying to protect himself. “You walked into my mothers house with confidence and exited with the same, you can deal with heavy dark things because you’ve obviously been through heavy and dark things. But heaven forbid someone gets close.” Another finger is pointed and it’s then that he realises he’s run out of them. “You want to know what I think?”
“No.” He continues anyway, unable to stop himself.
“I think you offered to sneak into my childhood home to prove that you were worthy of the position I just handed you. I think you think yourself a burden, and you will do anything to repay non existent debts because you hate yourself. And that Remus, is so, so wrong.” He takes a deep breath, he masks his face. “You run when things get hard emotionally. You did at the playground just then, but anger, anger you can deal with, or you wouldn’t still be standing here. None of this, none of it , is Lily’s doing, and all of that is why you have a job with me, not because of Lily. Because you are a strong willed individual with potential.” He takes a step forward, “so no, Remus, you don’t quit. You’ve only just begun.”
“You’re so full of yourself.” Remus mutters, but there’s a hint of him there, a hint of who Remus really was. “You’re infuriating. Insufferable, I hate you. But no. No I don’t quit.”
“Fair.” Sirius offers a laugh, tries to break the tension desperately. “But you don’t hate me.” He’s almost unsure as he says it.
“Would be so much easier if I did.” Remus sighs, rolls his neck, it cracks awfully and then there’s questions again, so many. He wants more than surface level understanding, wants to take apart the story of Remus Lupin, wants to be apart of the story even.
Remus
Of course he was the maker of his own doom.
Of course he was. Wasn’t that how things always were? Careful steps taken forward only to realise after that he was leading himself into his own trap, one carefully made by his own hands. Thick with gasoline and he’s the one holding the match. He stares at Sirius, unblinking, refusing to back down now. It had barely been what? A week, a few days and here Sirius was, claiming to know every lie he’s crafted to protect himself, every wall set up. Because… well. Why? Why did any of that matter to the man. He could find another editor, his writing was good, but it was replaceable. He was replaceable. He looks over slowly to Lily and James, Lily has her hands rung together neatly, she’s nodding along as Luna rambles and Remus’ eyes widen.
Because of Lily. Hate me, yell at me. Whatever. But don't be mad at her, she's delicate. We both know that. He was protecting Lily, of course he was. This. All of this, removing them from her before they almost teared each other apart, yelling at each other instead of fighting, taking him apart carefully, showing him that he was being seen, only to leave him open and anxious, it was careful, and planned. He didn’t matter but she did.
“Whatever, Mr Black.” Remus says then, takes a step back, then another and another until he’s walking up to Lily and pulling her close into a hug, tight, tighter until she’s shaking in his arms.
“I’m so-”
“Don’t.” Remus shushes her, “this was it, right?” He pulls back, looks her in her face. “The thing you were running from?” She nods her head, bites her lip, brings her hands up to her face and hides.
“It wasn’t meant to happen like this.”
“Lil’s this was the only way it would’ve happened.” Remus snorts and she peaks up at him through her fingers.
“You’re not mad?”
“Nah.” He repeats Sirius’ words, “never at you.” And it was true, he was never mad at her, and only her. For whatever reason, Lily was the only constant in his broken rules.
“Gods Remus.” She sighs then, shakes out her hands. “Okay. Okay. We’re moving forward.” She decides and he smiles at her, genuinely.
“Sure thing.” She looks relieved, it’s then that he realises that Sirius had walked back with him, had taken to sitting on one of the swings, Luna having ran over to him to sit down by his feet talking a mile a minute.
“Did they… did he say anything.” Lily bites the inside of her cheek. “I sent you the referral for the job under their request. I was worried about you. I know I shouldn’t have interfered. I know you hate that, but I just. Remus I was scared.”
“I know. I did all the heavy lifting though.” He laughs and she looks at him strangely. “Lily, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but just because a friend offers you something, it doesn’t make it permanent” He cracks his fingers again, “especially with work, if I wasn’t somewhat good at what I do then I wouldn’t still be in a job.” She looks relived.
“That almost sounds like self praise. Sirius is good for you, I’m glad.” Remus glares at her words, watching as Luna squeals when she’s picked up and spun around in Sirius’ arms.
“Lil’s?” He says then.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t ever keep things from me again.” Lily chokes at his tone but nods carefully.
Sirius
It’s the morning after their… well. Fight .
He’s sat in the conference room rather than his office, going through the first draft up’s of questions, scratching them out, re-wording some of them. Adding his own. There’s two mugs by him, and a coffee cup he stole from James when he dropped Regulus to work, now empty. He’s been here since seven, unable to sleep last night, unable to sit still. He’s already taken two of his tablets to beat down an emerging panic attack, he can feel it thrumming against his chest. Needs an out for this anxious dread. It’s dawning just after eight thirty now when he hears the door open at the other end of the room.
Remus Lupin is wearing a brown blazar, large, oversized, even for him, there’s leather elbow pads stitched into material with golden thread. He’s in dark black skinny jeans, something Sirius has not seen him in ever , something that he has to remove his eyes from in force. A white button down shirt is dropped on his shoulder, open, tousled and wrinkled, revealing a tight fitting faded shirt, Ziggy Stardust, sprayed across it in electric red. His hair is a mess of bronze curls, tangled tightly against his forehead. There’s his cane as well, that he’s death gripping, a frown on his face as he scrolls through his phone and as always his beaten satchel. Sirius is definitely staring.
“Morning Mr. Black. If your staring is going to be a regular occurrence I suggest to take a photo. It lasts longer.” Remus doesn’t even look up from his phone, his voice snarky as he strides across the room. Sirius chokes. Remus drops his bag down on the table right next to where Sirius was working, and climbs into the chair right next to Sirius, alarmingly close. He pulls up his leg up, the one that Sirius presumes doesn’t hurt and curls his arms around it, chin settled onto his knee. Eyes still glued to his phone. Sirius had no complaint about complimenting someone else's looks, he found that most people were pleasantly attractive. It didn’t take much for him to be drawn in to someone else's aesthetics, but Remus was otherworldly and he wasn’t sure what he was meant to do with his racing thoughts.
“Morning.” Sirius replies not able to manage anything else, his voice is croaky, he clears it, still definitely staring. Remus finally looks at him, and Sirius is glad to find his scars there, hidden amongst his skin and not under layers and layers of makeup. This close Sirius can make out faint light brown freckles all over his face. Remus raises an eyebrow at him.
“You right?” Remus almost snaps at him. The tension from yesterday was definitely still there then, he can all but feel it's fizz around them. Remus - prior to yesterday - had always been somewhat open with him, professional even, but this display of carelessness with the way he was dressed, the way he throws himself down, the way Remus was addressing him like Sirius’ title was no longer something Remus feared spoke for itself. It was almost addicting.
“Fine, just. Fine.” He gestures to the work in front of him. “Trying to get through this.” Remus peers down at the pages like they’ve offended them.
“Right.” He turns back to his phone, fingers moving a mile a minute, click, click, clicking. “God I need coffee.” Remus grumbles, pushes himself to get back up but Sirius beats him to it.
“I’ll grab you some. I’m empty anyway.” He gestured vaguely to the cups and bolts for the the door, trying to maintain his breathing.
Remus
He woke up late. Having three kids all wanting to talk well into the morning over at his house - no matter of ‘no we’re going to bed now’ seeming to deter them - was a nightmare, and having a Lily who also wanted to talk well into the morning was somehow worse. If he hadn’t laid out his outfit the night before he was almost certain he would’ve left the house in nothing but his jumper and boxers. Driving to work, Lily having taken the three kids to school was a nightmare, traffic was horrendous, he hadn't had coffee since 12 the night before and he could feel the anger simmering under his skin every time he was cut off on the roads.
And then when he did get to work, there were questions, every corner he had bumped into someone from the Anniversary project and they had asked a million things all at once. Cups in their hands dotted with pages and pages of writing. Mary had thanked him personally for the photos, showing a few she had blown up and asking for his opinion. By the time he made it to the elevator he was very much done with people thank you very much.
How was it in less than 48 hours he’s gone from a nobody in this company to someone everyone needed? How was it that the manageable amount of pages on his desk each morning had doubled and tripled and suddenly his signature was needed on everything ? How was it that Sirius Black coped with any of this?
Sirius Black, who wouldn’t stop staring at him the moment he walked in the room, who kept staring at him even after Remus had snapped, his bad mood not wavering in the slightest, who then proceeded to talk about more pages, watching and waiting as if Remus would lunge out like they did the day before. Sirius Black who instantly offered to get him coffee the second the words had left Remus’ mouth, as if the tension was one sided.
“Fuck.” He groans, drops his head back until it’s hanging over the back of the chair. “I am not made for this shit.” He can feel the itch under his skin, craving a cigarette and caffeine, craving his bed and the sheets and lack of adulting. He drums his fingers against the table, tap tap tapping. And then he slides into Sirius’ seat and starts looking over his notes, a red pen in his hands as he starts editing. This, he was made for this, for errors and mistakes and the very fluent notion of writing, this he can deal with, this he can do.
Sirius
When he walks back into the room the first thing he notices is Remus has moved, instead of the chair he had chosen before he was now sat in Sirius’. Sirius’ leather jacket hooked around the back of it, Sirius’ pen in Remus’ hand, Remus’ hands all over his notes.
He shivers.
“Remus.” He says, offering the mug to him once he’s made it over to the table. Remus doesn’t answer him but he does take the cup, fingers brushing quickly against Sirius’ and takes a sip, wincing again, like he always did.
“There is nothing fluent about any of this, what is wrong with people.” He says, still not looking at Sirius, hands moving through the pages.
“ What? ” Sirius says, settling into Remus’ chair. Remus shoves some pages between the two of them, pen drawing lines across the page.
“There’s no connection between any of these questions, there’s no story. They’re all random, look okay this one, ‘ growing up in a manor most of had some toll on you’ is right under, ‘when you were a child what did you want to be? Were those dreams ever heard?’ What? What?” He says incredulously. Takes another sip of the coffee, winces, takes another. Sirius frowns, wants him to slow down, wants to understand.
“Okay, but that’s what we’re working on, we’re going through the list, fixing and editing-”
“Okay but you accepted both of these.” Remus looks at him then, eyes ablaze and determined. “Look it's all your writing, little ticks and lines. Are you trying to bore the reader?” He feels a little bit like he’s being told off by a school teacher.
“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?”
“Funny, always so funny. Si- Mr. Black. This is important .” Sirius’ heart soars at the mistake. “You chose the theme, these questions don’t represent the theme. You want to draw attention to the love you had for your brother, cousins, but growing up in a manor having some toll on you? Yeah sure did, you’re all arrogant now.” Sirius goes to protest but stops himself. “Did you have dreams as a kid? Yes, most likely, everyone did. And I and everyone reading already knows the answer is no to the part about them being heard.” Remus drums his fingers against the page, “and neither of those questions fall under the theme! Can’t lead to the theme either.”
“O-kay then hotshot, how would you write the questions?” Remus doesn’t hesitate.
“Growing up in a huge manor. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having no where to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence. It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?” Sirius breathes out, eyes a little wide.
“Regulus-”
“Yes! But if I had asked the other question?” Remus presses. Sirius has to look down to the page, reading it and thinking.
“It was always lonely, there was never anyone there or anything to do that wasn’t monitored by some maid you wouldn’t see the week after. The halls were cold, parents hidden away in rooms, making deals. You could hear a pin drop from one end of the house and know, just know that everyone heard it.” Remus’ face softens ever so slightly and then it’s guarded up again in an instant. If Sirius wasn’t looking for it he wouldn’t have noticed.
“And that answer connects to the theme how?” Is his quick response.
“Told you, you were perfect for this job.” Is Sirius’ just as quick response. Remus sputters, leaning back like he’s been burned. Sirius didn’t know when they leant in. He takes a sip from his mug, wincing again.
Remus
His coffee was too sweet.
The way Sirius made coffee might as well be pure sugar. It’s milky white, alarmingly sweet and the worst part? He doesn't know how to tell Sirius to please stop making his coffee. Because he had figured out another thing about Sirius Black.
- He had ran away at 16 because his home life was horrible
- He hated confrontation
- His easy going attitude was fake and instead he was filled with anxious dread
- He had far too much and far too little self confidence
- He drank coffee like he needed it
- Sirius Black liked helping people, liked protecting people, liked people
Sirius takes a sip of his own milky white concoction and Remus cringes a little. He wants to ask how the fuck he drinks that . But he doesn’t.
“So I take it you don’t like the rest of the questions then?” Sirius asks after a while. Remus looks down at the pages, takes another sip of his… milk. And tries not to wince.
“No.” He drums his fingers and at the look Sirius gives him - something like distraught and like a kid being told their drawing is shit - he clears his throat. “But some of them can be saved.” Sirius perks up.
It’s an hour later when the room starts to fill with voices, people are settled all over the place, on the chairs at the conference table, in offices doors open, someone's lain out on the ground. He doesn’t remember their name. He and Sirius have been re-working the questions all morning, altogether they have a selection of ten that work, and a selection of thirty that don’t.
- Growing up in a manor, huge enormous even. Having strangers in your homes all of the time, having no where to go, but everywhere to go, must have had quite the toll on your adolescence . It’s a scientific fact that a child needs connection to family members to grow and develop happily. This doesn’t seem to fit your narrative, how did you cope, find that connection?
- When you were alone, how did you hope to pass the time? Were their dreams that you wished to come true? Friends that you missed? Did you and your cousins ever share similar dreams to you?
- What was it like the first time you attended a ball or meeting? How old were you and what did you do to pass the time?
- Out of the darkness does any memory stick out the most?
- Do any happy memories stick out? Do any of them involve an adult figure? Do any of them involve your cousins?
- What was the bond like between you and your cousins? Did you hate each other? Did you fight like siblings? Was it a relief to have someone at your side? Did you feel like you could fall back on someone?
- Is there anyone you wanted to thank? Or talk about in a positive light? Do you have anything you wish to say to this person, but can’t?
- If you could go back and change anything, bad, good, would you? What would this look like? What would the hoped outcome be like?
- When was the first time you remember feeling loved? When was the first time you sat in silence and it was comfortable?
- Can you remember a time where you felt the most free and loved? When was the first time you felt seen?
Remus stares down at the page of crossed out questions, pulling his laptop out and starts to type up the questions they’ve decided on.
“Twenty more to go.” Remus drums his fingers against his keys, eyes not moving the screen as he types. “And I need a break.” He says tying off the last question and then scrunching up the pages in front of him tossing them towards the centre of the table. Sirius looks at him, as if waiting for something. “I’m going to head to the roof.” Remus clarifies and Sirius still waits, and waits and waits
and then.
“If you’d like to join.” Remus mumbles out then, and Sirius perks up like a dog being told they were going on a walk.
Sirius
Remus is crouched low to the ground, trying to light a cigarette between his teeth but the wind keeps blowing out his flame, even behind his hand. Sirius carefully steps in front of him and when the cigarette is lit he slips down to sit next to him.
“Thanks.” Remus mumbles, sighs when smoke escapes his mouth, tilts his head back and sits so that his back is pressed up against the wall, Sirius mimics him. He stuffs the lighter back into his jacket pocket, removing it ever so and finds a bar of chocolate in his palm. “Lily.” Remus rolls his eyes. Sirius wants to ask.
“Lily?” Remus stares at him carefully.
“I’m…” but he doesn’t continue so Sirius waits, and waits, and waits until Remus can’t deal with the silence anymore. “We kept talking last night, after. Well. After you were a dick.” Sirius goes to protest. “Big emotions, blah blah.” Remus is quick to continue, “we both ended up in tears, I didn’t sleep well. So she hid chocolate in my jacket. It’s, this little thing she picked up on, back in school. Helps.” He takes another drag of his cigarette, tucks the chocolate back into his pocket, Sirius stashes this piece of information away carefully. And then because he can’t help himself, he does something stupid.
“Come over tonight, bring Teddy.” Remus’ shoulders tense, in fact his whole body does. And it’s as if all the progress they made all morning to beat the tension goes to waste. Sirius watches the motion, every part of him slowing down and tightening up. He wants to make it go away as soon as it happens. “We usually uh,” Remus’ cigarette starts to turn to ash, “like. Once a week, all gather at mine, and we, just… hang out. Drink, smoke, release stress. You can meet everyone then, since Lily and I fucked up.” He coughs, tries to look subtly. “Harry and Luna will be there.” Remus sighs then, head dropping between his shoulders.
“Right.”