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Published:
2021-07-19
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2021-07-31
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compromised

Summary:

Hawks has been preparing for undercover work all his life. He's been trained to find out exactly who and what the mission needs him to be, how to become that, and then adapt on the fly.

Lately, that has meant a lot of flirting with Dabi.

When that flirting turns into more, Hawks is confronted not just with his mission, but also with himself.

Notes:

Did you know Asexual Hawks isn’t even a canon AO3 tag? I had to fix that immediately.

This is a fill for a 2018 prompt on the Dreamwidth BNHA Kink Meme asking for asexual Hawks with Dabi. I hope the original prompter somehow finds this, as this is an incredibly late fill, but when I was browsing the forum for inspiration and found it, I just had to write this.

The prompt has spoilers for how this story will progress, but you can find it here if you like!

Thanks to J.J (Madame_Hatter) for beta reading and brainstorming dabihawks’ flirting with me!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Part I

Chapter Text

Hawks has been preparing for undercover work all his life. He's been trained to find out exactly who and what the mission needs him to be, how to become that, and then adapt on the fly.

Lately, that has meant a lot of flirting with Dabi. 

It started innocently enough. 

It was near the tail end of one of Shigaraki’s particularly lengthy “motivational” speeches about all the evil deeds he wanted them all to commit. Hawks had a long day of hero work behind him, followed by an even longer night of villain work, and at some point during Shigaraki’s seventh repetition of how much he wanted one particular hero to suffer, he couldn’t suppress a yawn. 

"Tired?" Dabi asked from beside him, sounding equally bored with Shigaraki. 

"Yeah," Hawks admitted, rubbing in his eyes. 

"I'm not surprised, you've been running through my mind all day."

Hawks stopped rubbing his eyes. Hawks… stared. 

"Did you just…?" If he didn't know better, Hawks would think Dabi was blushing. Thankfully, he did know better. Also, he was pretty sure Dabi couldn't blush. Not anymore. 

"Go the fuck to sleep, I'll make an excuse for you," Dabi said, dismissively waving his hand. 

"Um… okay. Thanks." Normally, he wouldn't leave when there was still intel to be gathered, but he sincerely doubted that Shigaraki was going to say anything he hadn't heard before, and it'd be more suspicious to stay after Dabi had given him that perfect out.

Hawks would have probably taken a great nap after that, if he hadn't been kept awake by the question that buzzed incessantly in his mind. Had Dabi just flirted with him?!

 

It doesn't take long for the situation to escalate.  

Not even three days later, Dabi texts Hawks to meet up with him somewhere just outside the city center. 

When Hawks arrives, Dabi is lurking in the actual shadiest alleyway in a ten kilometer radius, wearing a second, hooded trench coat on top of his usual outfit. He looms over Hawks like some sort of grim reaper, scarred face hidden under the shadow of his hood, and growls, "You're late."

Hawks looks him up and down, genuinely impressed by how ridiculously edgy Dabi's outfit is.

"Can you be any creepier?" Hawks wonders out loud.

Dabi pushes back his hood, smirking down at Hawks in a decidedly lewd manner. "I can take my clothes off, if you'd prefer that," he drawls.

Hawks sighs. Of course Dabi immediately has to move on to threats of nudity. "That'll do it," he says with a roll of his eyes.

After that, a new status quo for their relationship seems to have been set, which is why Hawks spends the next two weeks with his charm turned all the way up. 

Dabi keeps making increasingly flirtatious comments and Hawks hasn't held back one bit with his responses. After all, why would he? He's playing a role and he needs to play it well. All that matters is that he is well-liked by the League of Villains, and he's pretty certain none of them like him even half as much as Dabi does right now, even if the flirtations are a joke.

…Or so Hawks thought. 

 

Everything changes the day they're sent out to rob a pharmaceutical warehouse together. Shigaraki ordered them to steal a whole bunch of medical supplies for some reason or another. Hawks isn't entirely sure what he plans to do with them — and he actually tried his best to pry it out of him for the Commission — but he's sure it's nothing good. 

The theft turns into a nasty fight with some nearby heroes, and Hawks — having stashed most of his feathers in the League's hideout beforehand to prevent himself from being recognised working alongside a villain — has to defend himself without his wings. It's a struggle, but thankfully he's also well-trained in using blades and he still manages to minimise the injuries he inflicts on the heroes while ensuring their escape. 

Shigaraki is nice enough to give them part of their haul to fix themselves up with, which is how Dabi and Hawks end up sitting at the bar, looking a little worse for wear. 

Dabi is reapplying some of his staples, which is the most horrifically fascinating process Hawks has ever been unfortunate enough to witness. First he rips them out with a pair of pliers, then he quickly puts new ones in before the skin separates too much. The only somewhat good thing about the whole situation is that he uses an actual medical stapling device to put them in. (Hawks may or may not owe Spinner five thousand Yen after betting that he uses an office stapler instead.)

Hawks finally tears his eyes away from the nauseating scene after the removal of the fourth staple leads to a thin spray of blood squirting onto the bartop. He glances back at the handheld mirror in front of him, tilting his head to study the deep cut down across his jaw. The wound is far from serious, but it's definitely deep enough to require stitches to ensure proper healing. He really doesn't feel like going by the Commission's medical department and being saddled with a bunch of mission injury-related paperwork, so he's going to have to sew it up himself. 

Sighing, he props the mirror up against a bottle of sparkling water and grabs the supplies he needs. 

"Want a hand?" 

Hawks puts down the bottle of saline solution and shoots Dabi a dubious look. "I just watched you pull a staple out of your face with your bare hands. I think I'm good."

Dabi chuckles and then immediately winces, the movement undoubtedly having pulled at said staples. "That one wouldn't come out with the pliers. I kinda stopped caring about my own face after a while, but I promise I do actually know what I'm doing."

"Hmm…" Hawks glances between Dabi and the surgical kit on the bartop. Finally, he shrugs. What can it really hurt? Between the two of them, Dabi definitely has more experience in the area of facial lacerations. Hawks slides the kit over to him. "Do your worst, I guess, I hate stitching myself up."

"Just for you, I'll do my best," Dabi assures him with a wink. 

After washing his hands and putting on a pair of latex gloves, Dabi quickly gets to work. He expertly threads the needle and then gently tilts Hawks' chin to the side to give himself access to the wound. 

Absent any anaesthetic, the needle hurts going into Hawks' skin. Still, the sting of it is nothing he hasn't trained for, so he keeps perfectly still and lets Dabi do his work. He can tell Dabi is being careful, only pulling on the cut as much as is needed to neatly tie each knot. 

After a couple of minutes, he cuts the last thread and sits back, studying his handiwork. 

"That should do. There will be some scarring, but that's kinda difficult to prevent with a cut like that on your face."

Hawks laughs and checks himself in the mirror. To his surprise, the stitches look incredibly even and neat. He thinks back to Dabi roughly pulling the staples out of his own face and wonders why the man doesn't extend this level of care to himself. Then again, Hawks doesn't exactly have any kind of moral high ground in the self-care department.

He shoots Dabi a smile. "Thanks! Luckily the stitching isn't on my good side."

Dabi smirks and tosses the latex gloves back on the bartop with a flourish. "What are you talking about?" he asks. "Every side is your good side."

Hawks' heart skips a beat and he has to look away to hide the sudden blush on his cheeks.

Well, fuck.

That is new.

 

A week later, Hawks finds himself sitting in the League's hideout together with Dabi, not really doing anything other than drinking and waiting for something interesting to happen. Shigaraki claims it's "being on call". The rest of the League prefers to call it "bullshit".

They're several hours — and many more drinks — into said bullshit when Dabi shoots Hawks an unreadable kind of look and, after a long moment of silence and an expectantly raised eyebrow from Hawks, says, "You know, I never woulda guessed you to be such a genuinely good person."

Hawks can't stop the incredulous laughter that bubbles up from his throat. It's probably the alcohol.

"What? You realise we're literally in the League of Villains hideout, right?" He jokingly puts the back of his hand against Dabi's forehead. "Do you have a fever?"

Dabi's lips quirk up into the tiniest smile. Somehow, it looks soft more than anything. More than amused, even. Slowly, he takes Hawks' wrist and pulls his hand down to rest on his leg instead. 

He doesn't let go.

"I mean it," he says quietly, with all the conviction of a child proclaiming they'll become the number one hero. "I don't know what you're doing here, hanging around with outcasts like us."

With his free hand, Hawks gently pushes Dabi's whisky glass out of his reach. It leaves a wet trail of condensation on the glossy bartop. "I think you've had enough to drink." 

"Hawks." Dabi's hand around his wrist tightens. His icy blue eyes are mirror images of his fire as he stares down at Hawks with a gaze that threatens to turn him to ashes. "You're really amazing."

Hawks' breath stutters. It's impossible to deny the effect that Dabi's words have on him when his cheeks are glowing with heat and his heart is threatening to crack his ribs just from how hard it's beating. 

"Dabi…" he starts uncertainly, and what follows should be a warning, a denial, a command for him to go home and sleep off whatever alcohol is in his system, messing with his head. A reminder that whatever has sprouted between them is nothing but a joke.

Dabi's lips part into a grin. His eyes look like they are actually twinkling. Or perhaps Hawks has had more to drink than he thought.

"Hawks," Dabi whispers. 

He leans in, and maybe Hawks does as well, he doesn't know. All he knows is that, all at once, he's kissing Dabi, and it's the best and worst thing he's ever done in his life. 

It's a mission. 

It is.

That's what Hawks tells himself when he kisses back. When he leans in close and lifts his arm and hooks his elbow around the back of Dabi's neck.

It's a mission. 

That's why he's kissing this villain. Not because his heart is pounding in his chest and he feels so at home that he might just fall asleep in Dabi's arms.

It's a mission. 

It's fine. It's nice, even. It's, sort of… everything. 

Except then holding turns to groping, Dabi's hand traveling from his wrist to his elbow to his waist to his ass and pulling him in, off his bar stool and onto Dabi's lap and all at once it's nothing but a mission, nothing but a thing to endure for the sake of maintaining his undercover position. And Hawks is a good actor — a great actor — and maybe Dabi wouldn't have noticed if the beginning of the kiss hadn't been so real, but Hawks stiffens just a little and then everything falls to pieces.

Dabi pulls back and Hawks keeps his eyes closed, keeps his hands balled into the fists they've morphed into. He's not ready to face his mistake just yet.

"I'm sorry, I thought…" Dabi starts, and he sounds so incredibly guilty that Hawks feels sick with it. "Are you okay?"

And Hawks should answer, should explain, but he's just fucked up the one mission he couldn't afford to ruin and his heart is now pounding for entirely the wrong reasons. 

"I've got to go," he stammers, and then he stumbles out the door and flies away as fast as his wobbly wings will carry him.

Chapter 2: Part II

Summary:

In the aftermath of kissing Dabi, Hawks tries to save his mission, but may end up saving himself instead.

Or: in which Dabi might be a villain, but he never wanted to be that guy.

Notes:

Content Warning: this chapter delves into the "Internalized Acephobia" tag. Please be kind to yourself <3

[Edit, 2022: I slightly updated some of the dialogue in this chapter. If you're on a reread, some of this will be a little different. ]

Chapter Text

Morning brings sobriety and regret, and Hawks spends the first forty minutes of it sitting on the floor of his shower, letting the lukewarm water rain down on him to slowly rinse away the villainous grime still clinging to his feathers.

At least now that he's sober, he realises he hasn't fucked up quite as badly as he thought last night. After all, it should be easy to explain the whole thing as a drunken mistake rather than part of a larger plot to infiltrate the League of Villains. He's still made his mission a million times more complicated, though. Not just by kissing Dabi, but also by catching undeniable feelings for the guy.

Because that's something Hawks can no longer ignore: he's attracted to Dabi. Romantically, at least. 

He's compromised.

It's something he really should have seen coming. The flirting had been too easy, too close to his heart once he got attached to the playful side of Dabi; attached to seeing those genuine smiles and hearing the very real laughter that shows there is an actual person beneath all the scars, someone who cares about things in life beyond just destruction of hero society. Someone who cares about Hawks, against all odds. Someone who Hawks cares about in return, even though he shouldn't.

Hawks tilts his head back and pretends he doesn't feel the hot tears that roll down his cheeks only to be washed away by the much cooler water from the shower. 

Why is he so damn stupid? How could he let himself fall in love with a villain?

It doesn't even matter if Dabi reciprocates or not, because while Hawks' feelings are real, nothing else about their relationship is. And even if Dabi does have real feelings for him, they will probably fade real fucking fast the second Hawks comes out to him as asexual.

Then again, Hawks thinks bitterly, that may just be the best way to get Dabi to back off… 

 

Dabi — 2021/07/27 at 13:26
are you okay?

Dabi — 2021/07/27 at 19:05
last night got kinda crazy

Dabi — 2021/07/28 at 11:41
i hope you're doing alright

Dabi — 2021/07/29 at 02:39
i'm sorry if i hurt you in some way

Dabi — Today at 12:17
i'll stop messaging after this but can you please let me know if you're alive at least?
i'm worried about you

Hawks — Today at 12:58
I'll talk to you tonight.

 

The League doesn't meet up for another three days, which gives Hawks plenty of time to prepare what he's going to tell Dabi. Not that Dabi really wants to wait that long, as evidenced by the messages that trickle in every day. It's awful, because he's not even pushy about it. He just sounds guilty, like he did something wrong. Like the whole thing isn't on Hawks for getting attached when he shouldn't have; for leading Dabi on when he couldn't follow through.

Hawks shows up to the meeting in the nick of time, sliding in through the doors the very second Shigaraki begins his speech about whatever it is the League is going to do this month to make the heroes' lives difficult. 

Hawks really should do a better job listening, because fifteen minutes in he still hasn't even the slightest idea what Shigaraki's newest plan is. What he does know is that Dabi has already looked at him from across the room thirty-seven times since he walked in. It illustrates just how bad things have gotten, because even now, when the man isn't even doing anything, Hawks is allowing what happened with Dabi to interfere with his mission. 

He needs to put a stop to it. Immediately.

As soon as Shigaraki wraps up his presentation, Hawks is out of his seat and hauling Dabi into the corridor by his arm. He pulls him up the stairs into the privacy of the upper landing that leads to the roof, though he doesn't go outside. He can never be sure if the Commission is watching and he doesn't think this particular conversation will go over well with his handlers. 

He shoves Dabi against the wall and then leans back against the one opposite it, arms crossed over his chest, steeling himself to turn Dabi down once and for all. When he looks into Dabi's eyes, however, all his pre-prepared words go flying out the door.

Dabi looks… really concerned. He doesn't even seem annoyed that Hawks dragged him out into the freezing stairwell without any explanation. 

Hawks swallows. 

"Listen, we—" 

"Hawks, I—"

They both start talking at the same time and then fall silent. 

After a beat, Dabi carefully continues, "I fucked up last Monday. I thought we had a thing going on between us and I was so certain you felt the same way that I didn't even think to ask before kissing you. Clearly I misread something and I must have really freaked you out, and I'm sorry."

For a long moment, all Hawks can do is stand there and stare. Seeing the villain apologise so sincerely for something Hawks did makes him feel like his heart is being strangled in his chest. 

It's easy to forget, sometimes, that Dabi and the rest of the League are people just like him. Much more convenient to pretend they don't feel, don't care; not about the world and certainly not about others. It's harder to toy with the feelings of someone who shows that they, too, are just another flawed human. 

"It's not your fault, I should never have kissed you back," he finally says, and he feels breathless with it, like he's speaking his own lungs out of existence. Why does it hurt so much? Why can't rejecting Dabi be just another soulless part of his mission?

His heart is beating wildly and his wings curl in on himself, reflexively preparing to shield his body from incoming attacks. He clenches his hands into fists by his sides and averts his eyes, unable to take whatever emotions will appear on Dabi's face with his next words.

"I'm asexual. I don't want what you want. I don't want you the way you want me. I don't want anything more than just kissing. So… Now that that's all cleared up, can we please just pretend it never happened? 'Cause it obviously won't ever happen again."

They're the truest words he's spoken in over a decade. He never would have guessed he'd say them to a villain, but he needs Dabi to back off and he couldn't come up with any better argument than the truth.

The silence that falls between them is painful. Not because it's unexpected, but because it's exactly what Hawks knew would happen. Now that Dabi knows, he doesn't want him anymore. Probably regrets ever even doing so in the first place. 

It doesn't stop Hawks from wanting him, though. Doesn't stop the memories of Dabi's gentle fingers stitching up his cheek; of Dabi's soft voice telling him that he's amazing. 

He'll get over it eventually. He knows how to forget about the things he wants but isn't allowed to have.

Hawks shakes his head and turns to walk away. Before he can take more than a single step, however, Dabi's scarred hand closes around his wrist. 

"Hawks, wait, please."

He should know better than to listen, but Dabi's grip on him is so careful that he finds he doesn't even want to break free.

"I mean— You can leave if you really want to, but… if your only reason for not wanting me is because you think I wouldn't want you… you're dead wrong."

Dabi takes a careful step towards him and Hawks can't help but look back up, back into those fiery blue eyes that set his soul alight.

"I thought I made it clear that night, but I respect you — admire you —  and… I wish I'd known you were asexual, so I wouldn't've made you uncomfortable like I did, but… it doesn't change how I feel about you. I still want you, in any way you'll let me have you. Hell, I think I might be falling in love with you."

Hawks can't believe he thought he had it bad for Dabi before. Because those feelings? That stutter in heart when Dabi told him every side is his good side? Fucking forget about it. Those couple of tiny butterflies have nothing on the entire fucking flock of birds that is currently swooping around in his stomach.

Hawks has been respected before, admired before, valued and wanted and needed before — but he's never been seen until now. Has never told someone exactly what's up and not been ordered to change. 

He wants to give Dabi a shot, wants to believe that he's speaking the truth and still wants Hawks as well. It's amazing. It's terrifying. It's, sort of… everything. 

"I won't have sex with you," he blurts. "Not ever." 

"That's fine. I don't want you to."

Hawks takes a shuddering breath, trying to calm his racing heart. "I don't want you to have it with other people either."

Dabi's fingers slide down his wrist and curl around his hand, holding it delicately in his own. "I would never."

"I—" Hawks squeezes his eyes shut. Pretends they're not filled with unshed tears. Pretends this isn't the first time someone has given a single solitary shit about what he wants. Is he really doing this? Is he really going to betray the Commission? "I will never do anything for you that I don't want."

"And I'll never ask for anything more than that," Dabi promises, and Hawks is screwed, so fucking screwed, and so is his mission and probably his entire career, but he finds it difficult to care about any of that when he lifts himself up on his toes to wrap his arms around Dabi's neck and kiss him again, not because it's his mission, but because he wants to. 

This time the kiss is soft and gentle, without any of the hunger that caused Hawks to run before, and Hawks thought he knew what it felt like to come home; thought he'd finally figured that one out when he bought his own apartment with the Commission's money and was, for the first time in his life, able to put a locked door between himself and the outside world on his own terms. Clearly, he was wrong about that, because he's never felt safer anywhere than right now in the arms of this psycho murderer who cares.

Notes:

A million thanks to my wonderful beta readers J.J (Madame_Hatter) and Rox for helping me polish this chapter into something I'm proud to post.

Also, a special shoutout to the lovely Octobot for being an incredible cheerleader during the bout of writer's block I went through the last couple of weeks.

Thanks for reading!
 
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There are many ways to be asexual, and Hawks' experience as portrayed in this fic is just one. If you want more information about the full spectrum of asexuality, AVEN is a good place to start. I personally also found the Asexuals Wikia very helpful, which has info on several subcategories of asexuality here.