Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ellie feels incredibly and inexplicably nervous as she stands on Dina’s apartment’s porch, fist raised to knock. She knows she should probably be over the butterflies by now- for fucks sake, she married this girl in another lifetime, and it’s not as if they’re strangers in this one. But for some reason, she feels like this is their first date all over again.

Should she have brought flowers? She probably should have brought flowers. After all, if this is the night Dina chooses to tell her about- she should have flowers. She glances behind her and considers running to the field next to the stables and picking a bouquet quickly-

“Are you going to stand there all night or are you gonna knock, nerd?”

Ellie freezes and looks back towards the door to find it propped open, Dina giving her a bemused smirk from the opening.

God, she needs to reply. It’s been an awkward amount of time, and if she doesn’t respond then Dina is gonna think she’s stupid or something- quick, say anything-

“Um. Hi.”

Ellie internally kicks herself.

Dina raises an eyebrow, her eyes filled with laughter.

“Hi.”

Ellie forces a smile onto her face and straightens her posture, absentmindedly shoving her hands in her pockets.

“So. You...wanted to talk?”

Dina’s smile suddenly grows a bit more guarded, and she steps out onto the porch and shuts the door behind her, adjusting her thick coat as she does.

Ellie doesn’t point out the fact that it’s 76 degrees outside. Dina will tell her when she’s ready.

Hopefully soon- preferably, tonight.

“Walk with me?” Dina asks as she finally turns around, her expression unreadable. Ellie nods wordlessly, and the other woman turns and begins to carefully make her way down the stairs.

Ellie doesn’t move to help, but she stays close just in case Dina loses her balance or asks for her arm. A fond memory of Dina chewing her out for trying to help her up a hill without being asked pops to mind, and Ellie once again feels nervous excitement leap in her chest.

They don’t talk for the beginning of the walk, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable. Ellie can feel Dina’s eyes pass over her a few times before focusing back on the path of the street, and she finds herself glancing at the other girl constantly, watching as she progressively tries harder and harder to look unaffected by exhaustion. After what she estimates as about ten minutes, she finally pipes up.

“So, what was it you wanted to talk ab-”

“Can we sit down first?” Dina interrupts, pointing towards a bench just off the side of one of the smaller roads, and Ellie hears the lightest tilt of mild desperation in her voice.

“Oh, of course.”

She changes direction and slows her pace just a little to accommodate Dina, who reaches the bench and, to her effort, tries her best to sit down gracefully.

Ellie pretends to examine the storefront across the street obliviously. They sit in silence for a few moments as Dina adjusts her coat, but before long, Dina settles and takes a deep breath.

Ellie can feel her look over before she speaks.

“I’m pregnant.”

Elie stills and turns her head to look at Dina. The other girl is examining her face, looking slightly sad and determined. After a few seconds of silence, Ellie takes a deep breath and tries not to look too obvious.

“Okay-”

“Don’t worry, it’s not yours.” Dina adds, poking her arm teasingly. Ellie doesn’t hold back the short laugh that bubbles to her lips, and she grins at Dina.

“Oh thank god.” She replies, sarcasm light in her tone.

Dina tilts her head, the soft smile on her lips turning quizzical. One eyebrow raises.

“You don’t look all that surprised.”

Ellie feels a jolt of panic and she quickly schools her expression into a more shocked version.

“No, I’m, uh, really, surprised.”

“Sure. Did Jesse tell you or something?”

A sinking sensation in her stomach knocks her off guard as the words leave Dina’s lips and Ellie feels like she has been punched in the gut.

“You….told Jesse?”

Before telling me? her brain finishes in the silence. Dina grimaces, and for a second Ellie is paranoid that she had finished the sentence out loud- but when Dina sighs and forces a smile, the fear dissipates into steady unease.

“Yeah, Ellie, I told him. He’s kinda the baby daddy.” Her voice sounds a little sad and the joke falls flat on Ellie’s ears. The pit in her stomach grows steadily, and Ellie quickly looks down, rubbing her left palm.

“Are you- um- are you two-” The words die in her mouth and she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Am I getting back together with him? No.”

Ellie starts, looking over to find Dina rolling her eyes.

“Now that’s a surprised face.”

“But- what does Jesse think?”

“Is it bad that I don’t care?” Dina replies dryly, slowly looking over the street in front of them.

“Um-”

Dina waves her off, snorting. “Don’t answer that.”

Ellie stares at the girl, trying to decipher the mixed emotions on her face as quietly as possible. The sinking sensation, which should have logically gone away as soon as Dina confirmed she wasn’t going back to Jesse, still hangs oppressively as if foretelling some world-shattering doom-

“I’m... breaking up with you, Ellie.”

In an instant, Ellie’s brain short circuits and she can feel the air get violently knocked from her lungs.

“Wh- what?” She manages to choke the word out, shock freezing her in place. Dina sighs.

“You have been great Ellie, and I’ve really enjoyed all our dates- but I’ve realized that this whole time, through everything, I’ve been the one taking care of myself and-”

Ellie’s hand flies out to hold Dina’s, and Ellie forces her panicked brain to focus.

“Dina, I can be there for you! I had no idea if you were pregnant before, but now that I know I promise that I- I can help!”

Dina laughs and puts her hand over Ellie’s, squeezing once before letting go.

“I know you can. I didn’t mean to say that I don’t think you could.”

“Then let me.”

“No.”

Ellie feels like the invisible force that knocked her air out is back, shoving downwards on her windpipe.

“Why the hell not? If this is because you think I wouldn’t be a good parent-”

“Woah, slow down there Ellisaurus, no one said anything about you being this baby’s parent.” For the first time in the conversation, Dina looks and sounds slightly irritated, and Ellie shuts her mouth, sitting back on the bench and going back to rubbing her palm.

Her hands feel cold without Dina’s there to hold.

“Ellie, listen to me, okay? Just let me talk, no more interruptions. Can you do that?”

Ellie hesitates before nodding numbly.

Dina nods and takes a deep breath.

“I am pretty decently along in the whole pregnancy thing by now. I’ve known for a while, and I haven’t started telling anyone since really recently-”

Ellie knows. She’s noticed her hiding it this entire time- noticed how she hasn’t let things get past just kissing between the two of them for months now, noticed how she always wears layers despite the weather, but she’d just thought Dina wasn’t ready, so she hadn’t pressed. Maybe if she’d just fucking asked sooner-

“-and I was kind of confused as to why the idea of telling other people scared me so much, but, after a rocky couple of months filled with constant damn morning sickness-”

Ellie knows all about that too. Her pregnancy had been rough last time, and she’d had to hold her hair back many a morning, both on the road, and when they’d finally gotten back to Jackson-

“-I’ve realized that honestly, I wasn’t keeping it secret because I was scared of how other people would react. I realized that I kept it to myself because I knew that, not only could handle this alone, but that I kind of wanted to.”

Ellie starts to shake her head, her mouth opening, but Dina gives her a stern look that she knows all too well, so she simply shuts her mouth.

“We’ve only been dating for what, barely five months? We’ve been on maybe seven dates in that entire time- and we’ve both been busy, I get that. You and Joel have been working through- whatever it is you guys needed to work through-”

Her chest feels cold. She should have spent more time with her, she shoul have made sure that Dina and her got as close as they had last time, but she had been just so damn stupid-

“-and I’ve been pregnant this entire time, so obviously I’ve kinda.... had that to worry about. I just- I really don’t want to start a serious relationship like this, no matter how I feel about you.”

Ellie finally speaks up, her voice hoarse. “But the baby needs-”

Dina shakes her head. “You don’t get to tell me what the baby needs. Jesse tried to pull the whole “the baby needs two parents” crap too- but all she needs is me, at least for right now.”

The world seems to crawl to a halt suddenly, and Ellie can hear blood rushing to her head. She feels sick.

“...She?”

Dina’s serious, scolding expression drops into a soft smile and she glances down, wrapping her arms around her chest.

“Yeah. I went to see Sean and- it’s a girl.” She replies. Ellie can hear the joy in her tone, and some part of her distantly reflects that joy- but the louder part of her mind is filled with memories and a sense of betrayal and wrongness.

“Was- was Doctor Yazbeck sure?”

Dina gives her a weird look before her eyebrows raise.

“Yeah, he was pretty dang sure- are you okay?? You’re white as a sheet- well, whiter than usual.”

Ellie shakes her head and balls her hands together tightly, forcing a smile.

“Nothing, just- that’s wonderful, Dina.”

“Are you su-”

Ellie shoves herself onto her feet, cutting off Dina just as she begins to reach out for her.

“I- I have to go. See you around.” Ellie mumbles, starting to walk before Dina forma a reply.

“W- Ellie, wait!”

She freezes in place, turning her head just slightly and holding back the tears beginning to collect in her eyes.

“This doesn’t have to be forever, okay? I wasn’t lying when I told you that I- that I care about you, so, maybe later, when I’ve had time to settle in as a mom, if you still want- we can maybe talk about….us?”

Something in her heart breaks, and the tears start to slide down her cheeks silently. She takes a shaking breath, not turning around to face her but nodding.

“Yeah. Maybe.” She whispers, before she takes off into the night before Dina notices her tears.

Chapter Text

Ellie is awake when she hears a knock at her door, but she may as well have just woken up. Her movements are slow and lethargic as she pulls herself up from her pile of pillows and blankets, and she trips twice over the uneven floor. It’s as if her mind is drowned by a dull grey fog as she moves.

She finds she physically doesn’t have the energy to care.

When she opens the door, she immediately regrets it for two reasons. One, the light outside is blinding to her tired retinas, and she reflexively flinches away from the brightness, suddenly aware that she has a headache the size of a bloater.

Two, the person in front of her is the last man on earth she wants to see right now.

Jesse.

“Look, I know things are bound to be uncomfortable between us-” He begins.

Ellie immediately makes to slam the door in his face.

“Hey!” He catches the handle and frowns. “I just want to talk!”

“I have nothing to say to you.” Ellie replies. Her voice is low and hoarse, and she can see Jesse wince at the sound.

"Look, I know you're mad-"

Ellie releases her grip on the door and instead pushes his hand off the doorknob, huffing. "I'm not-"

Her voice trembles as she speaks, and she stops, pulling in a deep breath before leveling the ground with a glare.

"Just- leave me alone, Jesse."

"What, you aren't even going to hear me out?"

Ellie shrugs noncommittally and gives up on shoving the door closed, instead turning and shuffling back over to her bed and flopping onto her side, wrapping herself in a blanket and facing away from the door, squeezing her eyes shut against the light.

"Look, you know what Dina is like-"

She hears a creak and sighs, but can't bother herself to move to stop his completely unlawful entrance into her apartment.

"Go away."

"What do you want me to do, Ellie?? She’s made up her mind, and if she wants to do this alone for now-"

Ellie shoves herself up onto her elbows.

"What part of "fuck off" do you not understand??"

Jesse ignores her. "-and I know this all has interrupted you and Dina’s, uh, thing, and I'm sorry, but what she chooses to do isn't my fault Ellie-"

Ellie snarls and shoves herself up onto her elbows, grabbing the nearest pillow and chucking it at Jesse as hard as she can.

"Can you fucking stop??? I get it! She doesn't need me right now! None of my feelings matter because I’m just her ex-girlfriend, I have no right to steal away your kid, blah blah blah, and I know exactly what you have to say about that!! Can you just leave me the FUCK alone?!"

By the end of her sentence she realizes she’s crying for the fourth time this morning, and Jesse has developed an expression akin to a deer in headlights.

"Ellie-"

She furiously rubs her face and flips her body away from him, burrowing into her blankets and hugging herself, her fingernails digging just a little too deep.

"I didn't mean it like that...and look, I know you guys agreed to be just friends for now, but…" He trails off and sighs.

"Look, this is just a….weird, complicated situation, okay? And I didn't come to yell at you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay-"

"Well, obviously I'm not." Ellie snaps, not looking back. She hears the telltale creaking as he shifts awkwardly, and it's several seconds before he summons a response.

"Look, we talked and she- she may not want to be... y’know, with either of us, but she told me that she really does want you in her life. If you ever…if you ever, uh, get over this or….whatever you need to do."

Ellie feels like she needs to scream, her silent tears wetting the mound of pillows underneath her face.

There is creaking and Jesse starts to walk toward the door before hesitating.

"Ellie-"

"Get out." She snaps, trying to put as much venom as she can into the words.

She can feel eyes shift off of her back.

"....alright. Well. Uh, Maria wanted to see you at her place. She said it was pretty urgent." He says gruffly, and a second later he steps through the door and she hears the frame slam in the way it always does despite anyone’s best effort.

It takes her a few moments to stop crying, and a few minutes more to pull herself out of bed again. Everything feels trapped in molasses, and she has a developing headache that makes her seriously consider ignoring the last direction from Jesse and just staying, perched on the side of her bed.

Out of the corner of her eye, she catches a glance of a collection of drawings she'd done a month ago when she had thought to prepare for Dina's announcement- a group of pictures of JJ sketched from slowly fading memories of another life.

Her bittersweet mind helpfully reminds her that those sketches of JJ are all that remain of a person who will apparently never even exist, replaced by a baby girl that she would be nothing to at all.

She rubs her face and aggressively kicks the journal across the room, shoving herself up and tugging on sneakers, desperate to get away from her thoughts and find some form of distraction in the outside world.

Her mind is a foggy daze as she stumbles into the bright light of the day, squinting up at the sky and feeling cheated by the fact that the weather is perfect in spite of her mood. She feels eyes on her as she walks down the main road, and she can almost hear the whispers following her.

Ellie has a sudden urge to scream at all of them to mind their own damn business but instead she focuses on moving steadily forward, working to keep herself walking in a straight line.

She doesn't exactly have a sense for the time it takes her to round the corner and walk up the steps to Maria's place, but it feels like a simultaneous eternity and a passing second to her lethargic mind.

She raises her hand to knock but hears a sharp call of "come in" before her fist connects with the wood. She sighs and shrugs before twisting the knob- Maria sounds like she's in a mood.

As if it's not enough that she's been dumped, now she gets to be yelled at too. Joy of joys.

Ellie steps into the entrance, slowly scanning her surroundings. In a second, her eyes find Maria and a second figure that looms over the other woman in both height and stature.

For the first time in her day, Ellie has a fully coherent thought that sends a chill down her spine.

It's fucking her.

Chapter Text

Her blood goes cold as her eyes lock into a muscled back and a long, dirty blonde braid. Every fear from six months ago comes rushing back with palpable force, drowning out the lethargic depression, and she feels herself freeze in the doorway.

Maria notices her first and gives her a trademark, professional smile.

“Ellie, glad you could make it. Abby here tells me that you’re old friends?”

Abby turns to catch Ellie’s eye and smiles. The look is forced and fake, and she can tell that Maria picks up on this from the way her grip tightens on the back of the chair she's standing over.

“Hey Ellie! I haven’t seen you since the Fireflies back in Salt Lake!” She says with a fake cheer, and steps forward, offering her hand.

“What are you doing here?”

Abby’s fake smile freezes on her face, and she glances back to Maria, whose arms are now crossed over her chest.

“Look, I know we didn’t end things on the best terms-”

Ellie opens her mouth to interject, but Abby raises her volume, drowning out the stumbled protest.

“BUT, as I was just telling Maria, I need some help.”

Ellie takes a step back and looks around. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a few seconds before Maria speaks up.

“So, Ellie, I was hoping you could tell me more about your friend.”

Ellie feels each indivual bone in her body lock into place, and she swallows thickly. She is being asked to vouch for her, she realizes after a few moments of her brain reeling. Maria is asking her to vouch for Abby fucking Anderson, of all the fucking people on this fucking shithole planet. She needs to tell Maria, get them out of here, get her out of here-

Abby must sense her building urge to shout, because she once again cuts in.

“You remember Mel? She uh- well, long story short, Owen got her pregnant and we need a safe place for her to give birth.”

Ellie freezes, and her stomach churns. She had forgotten about the pregnant woman. She- without Ellie, she lived. The thought is enough to make her sick with guilt for all she’d done in that life. Her hands tighten and it’s almost like she can feel the pressure of her knife-

“Ellie?”

Maria’s voice cuts through the haze of horrible memories, and Ellie’s head snaps up, her gaze locking onto Abby’s, and she’s torn into a whirlwind of memory.

Those grey eyes glancing dismissively towards her as she begged for her to please, god, stop- pools of grey filled to the brim with hate, standing over Dina- tired, dull, reflective disks standing slouched in the water, flicking from her face to the switchblade in her hand- watery, devastated eyes trying desperately to hold onto the remaining slivers of hate as shaking hands pointed the gun at Joel’s chest-

And now, that determined grey gaze rests on her with full force, too proud to beg but unable to stop the desperation from peaking out from behind a wall of confidence.

Ellie opens her mouth and closes it again, before grabbing her palm to stop her hands from shaking.

“Yeah.” She says hoarsely, then clears her throat and looks to Maria. “Yeah, she’s good people.”

Maria relaxes a bit and she can see Abby’s shoulders droop imperceptibly, releasing a breath Ellie hadn’t noticed her holding.

“Well then, I’ll talk to Marcus about setting your group up in one of the apartments for now, until we fix up something a little more, ah, long term.” Maria nods to Abby before looking back at Ellie. “It seems you two have… a lot to discuss. If you don’t mind, I have a meeting with the patrols in a few minutes.”

Abby turns to her and nods. “I can’t thank you enough, ma’am.”

Maria shrugs. “No big deal. Friend of my niece is my friend, and all that. Now get out of my house.” She says, glancing at Ellie and giving her a friendly smile.

Ellie feels a solid lump of dread settle in her throat.

Abby forces another smile and starts to back up.

“Thank you again.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Abby turns and walks to Ellie, and Ellie feels her entire body tense up as she gets closer. The taller woman glances past her towards the door before setting her jaw and nodding.

“Walk with me?”

There are layers underneath that question, and it feels as if an electric current is passing between them in the seconds of silence that follow.

After a moment, Ellie hesitantly nods, and steps aside for Abby to walk through the door, squinting at the flood of light from outside.

She stands there, still frozen for several seconds, watching Abby saunter down the patio steps and grab the latch on the gate before turning to look at her.

“You coming?”

Ellie is blown away by the nonchalance of her demeanor, and she has to compose herself before speed walking after her, gritting her teeth.

“Do you have formula here? I trashed every grocery store from here to Seattle and only found three boxes of the shit.” Abby says, turning her head to glance down the street. For a moment, Ellie is pulled into a memory of a searching high and low. Dina had a hard week, and JJ was so hungry, he wouldn’t stop crying-

She shoves the memory back down.

“Supplies are limited.” She snaps. “My girlfr- a girl here is having a baby soon as well so don’t think you’ll get special treatment.”

Abby sighs, shrugging. “Figures. What are the odds, huh? Two pregnant women in one settlement, at the same damn time.”

Ellie feels a frustrated scream bubbling in the back of her throat and shoves away another invasive memory of a grey jacket and a knife and so much blood-

She grabs Abby by the arm and pulls her back. The woman immediately raises a fist in defence, but relaxes a bit after a few seconds, her face settling into a solidly unimpressed expression.

“Cut the shit. I know why you’re really here.” Ellie hisses, getting up into Abby’s face. Abby seems a lot taller then she remembers.

“Enlighten me, Miller.” Abby reponds dryly.

Ellie tightens her grip on her arm and pulls her out of the street into the alley. It’s surprisingly hard to move the other woman, but Abby resigns after a second and lets the other girl pull her.

“Is this really necessary?”

Ellie whips around as soon as they're out of sight and draws her knife, pressing it to Abby’s throat. Abby’s expression immediately hardens and she grabs Ellie’s wrist, putting them in a solid stalemate.

“I know that you’re planning something, I know you’re here for him- you couldn’t just fucking let it go, could you-”

Abby snorts. “I had a gun to his head seven months ago, what makes you think I’d spare him then, just to come back now? You think Mel’s pregnancy is just a ruse for my dastardly evil plans?”

Ellie’s hand is shaking and she pulls it away from her throat, opting to point it at her instead. She holds the position for a few moments before a wave of memory and a phantom pain in her hand forces her hand fully down, fighting back thoughts of fog and water and the sound of a speedboat fading into the distance.

“What are you really here for, Abby?”

The other woman raises an eyebrow before looking around.

“You really wanna know?”

Ellie grits her teeth. The other woman leans forward.

“I’m here,” She starts in a stage whisper, “because my dumbass friend got his girlfriend pregnant, and we need a safe place for her to give birth.”

“Why not just stay with the wolves then??” She snaps.

A muscle in Abby’s jaw flexes and she shrugs stiffly. “Got tired of them. Decided it was time to move on.”

“You really expect me to fucking believe-”

“Abby?”

Ellie freezes at the soft tone and whips around.

At the opening of the alley, she sees the boy. He looks different from the last time she saw him, when he was hollow and broken and skin and bones. His hair is shorter, too, and his stance is awkward but cautious, eyes flicking between Ellie and Abby and the knife held slightly behind her.

Ellie immediately collapses the switchblade and shoves it in her pocket as the image of when she had held that exact knife to his throat helpfully pushes its way forward.

“Everything is fine, Lev. Me and my friend here were just having a...talk.”

The boy, Lev, shifts uneasily. “Some talk.” He mutters under his breath, his hand making the slightest movement to gesture at Ellie’s pocket, where the knife sits. The weight of it is uncomfortable in her pocket.

Ellie looks away, and she shakes her head.

“I- I’m gonna go.” She says quietly, turning away to walk further into the alley. She’s stopped by a calloused hand on her bicep, and she is surprised when she doesn’t instinctively shove it away.

“Miller, I promise you, I’m not here for you, or for him.” Abby says quickly, as if she’s worried that Ellie is going to cut her off.

Ellie stands there with her head bowed for several seconds. She hears the kid shift uncomfortably.

She slowly nods, then shakes her head.

“If you try, anything-”

“You’ll kill me?” Abby finishes, and Ellie sharply looks back. She stares at Abby until movement draws her eye to where Lev stands. He looks terrified at the words, seems almost ready to jump forward and tear them apart-

She suddenly thinks of the time Joel fell onto that stupid rebar. She remembers keeping him alive in that shack for weeks, hunting and collecting antibiotics and desperately forcing water and food into his mouth because she couldn’t bear losing him. She remembers David and the terrible thought that while she was captured, something would happen to him- and she remembers how that idea had scared her more than the implication that she was probably about to be raped and chopped up for meat. It had been the hardest experience in her life, even after watching Riley lose her mind. Even after losing Tess, and Sam, and everyone else along the way- it was the worst of the memories that would creep up and haunt her every now and then, up until Abby smashed Joel’s skull and the world suddenly got smaller.

She sees that fear reflected in the way Lev is standing, ready to fight in an instant, even without a weapon, even against a stranger who he knows has a knife.

She ignores the voice in the back of her head comparing Abby to Joel, and looks down.

“...Yeah.” She says.

As she turns, she hopes desperately that Abby doesn’t notice the uncertainty in her tone.

Chapter Text

Abby waits for Miller to get down the street a bit before she lets herself breathe. She can feel Lev watching her, curious, but she ignores him and forces herself to start walking, keeping her expression neutral.

“Soooo….was that Ellie?” Lev asks as soon as she joins him at the edge of the street, jogging a little to catch up with her fast stride.

“Yep.”

Lev nods, fidgeting with his hoodie strings and glancing over his shoulder towards the direction that Ellie had left in.

“She seems….a little paranoid.” He says hesitantly, and Abby can feel him trying to stealthily glance in her direction to gage her response.

She snorts. “Yeah, that’s an understatement, kid.”

“...You never really told me what happened between you two.”

He’s trying his best to sound offhanded and aloof, but Abby can hear the curiosity in his tone.

“As I’ve told you before, it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Did you two.....y'know?”

Abby abruptly stops walking, raising her hands. “Wh- woah, what the hell is that supposed to- no-”

Lev has a shit eating grin as she sputters indignantly, and her eyes narrow.

“I was just pulling your finger.” Lev says, and Abby huffs before gently pushing his shoulder.

“It’s “pulling your leg,” and also, don’t even joke about that.” She is unable to keep the amusement out of her attempt at being stern, and Lev’s grin grows as he straightens back up from the push.

“Well, whatever actually happened, why don’t you two just... forgive eachother?”

Abby pauses, looking at a spot above Lev’s head before she starts to walk again, sighing. Lev keeps pace beside her, only looking away to watch his step on the uneven parts of the road.

“The problem is, there isn’t exactly anything to forgive, Lev.”

Lev cocks his head in confusion, his face screwing up in the way it does whenever Owen teaches him a new idiom.

“So then, what’s the problem?”

“I did say I didn’t want to talk about this, right?”

Lev looks down and his steps start to shuffle across the ground a little.

“M’sorry.”

Abby glances over and shrugs, making herself smile when Lev glances up. “You’re okay. It’s just... not a fun story.”

“Okay.”

Lev still looks a little defeated, so Abby bumps him lightly, bringing his attention back to her.

“Guess what?”

Lev’s eyebrows raise. “What?”

“They’re gonna give us a house.”

Lev’s face breaks into a shy smile. “Cold.”

Abby laughs. “Yeah, it’s pretty cold.” She looks around at the busy street, taking note of the eyes that follow them as they walk. “I hope they like it here.”

“How long do you think we’re staying?”

“Well, if everything goes well, hopefully Owen and Mel can really settle in for the long run-”

Lev shakes his head.

“No, I mean, how long do you think we’re staying?”

Abby pauses, glancing around. She catches a few townspeople at the front of what looks to be a bar looking in their direction, all of them quickly turning away as she looks in their direction. After a minute of silence, Abby shrugs.

“I dunno, kid. We don’t really have any leads right now-”

Lev pipes up instantly. “But what about Santa Barbara?”

Abby shakes her head. “It’s too risky. You heard what that one trader group said, the area is crawling with slavers.”

“I still think we could take them.” Lev mutters, kicking at a pebble under his shoe.

She snorts. “Yeah, sure we could, doesn’t mean we’re gonna try.”

Lev’s expression settles into a pout, and as they turn the corner to the edge of town, Abby ruffles the boy’s growing hair.

“Cheer up, kid. I’m sure in this town of six gajillion people someone’s gotta know something.”

Lev looks up, eyes wide.

“You really think there are that many people here?”

Abby laughs and shakes her head, turning at the entrance of the red brick building the group had been instructed to wait in.

She takes quick note of the two people sitting on the porch, watching her and Lev approach. One is a man, taller and a bit scraggly looking, and the other is a stout woman with honest-to-god glasses on her face. She’d thought that after the world went to shit, shoddy vision was just something one had to make do with, but it’s becoming more and more apparent that this place is just flat out weird.

If it weren’t for the fact that she’d spent most of her life around soldiers, she probably wouldn’t have noticed that they both appear to be carrying- an anomaly in this town, if what she’s seen so far on the main road is any indication. Just the implication of the two is enough for her to itch for a gun- figures Jackson is the kind of place to confiscate all your weapons on the way in.

They even took the knife she typically keeps in her boot- as if she was going to go around stabbing people as soon as she got the chance.

“How’d it go with Maria?” Glasses asks, sitting up in her chair and giving Abby a long, examining look.

“Just fine. I take it you two are the assigned guard dogs?” Abby replies stiffly, walking up the steps.

Tall and skinny laughs at that, only to be cut off as Glasses kicks him in some attempt of subtlety.

“It’s just a precaution. We’ve been burned before.” She says, meeting Abby’s dull glare with her own.

“I don’t know what you expect me to do without a gun, but sure. Whatever makes you feel better, shorty.”

The woman rolls her eyes and says something under her breath to Tall, who laughs. Abby feels irritation prickle under her skin.

“Something funny?” She growls, glaring the two down. Tall shrinks in his seat, but Glasses only smirks and shrugs. Abby feels the annoyance spark sharply, and moves to take a step towards them until her arm is caught and subtly tugged.

“Abby,” Lev says quietly behind her, pulling her towards the door.

Abby lets herself be pulled, shooting one last glare before she turns and twists the knob, pushing her way into the building. She feels Lev’s entire posture relax as soon as they step inside.

The room in which the group had been put while Abby was sent to negotiate is surprisingly cozy for a holding cell, with two mostly fresh looking sofas pushed against opposite walls and a table between them holding a small collection of mostly un-damaged books.

As soon as they enter, Owen and Manny start to stand, both with similar expressions of alarm that dissipate as soon as they recognize Abby as the intruder. Behind them, Mel appears to have passed out, curled on her side on the further sofa. Nora appears to be reading through one of the books, but she looks briefly up as Abby enters before returning to her perusal.

Before she has time to say anything, a bark brings her attention down as a large german shepherd jumps up at Lev, startling him into a laugh.

“Hey girl!” He coos, scratching behind her ears as the dog continues to jump forward, making a valiant attempt to lick his face.

“Alice, down.” Abby says, snapping her fingers, and the dog falls to all fours, though she doesn’t stop excitedly rounding Lev until the boy bends over, rubbing her back as she pants happily, settling on licking his hands.

“Seeing as you haven’t returned with an armed guard, I assume it went well?” Nora muses, flipping a page.

“What the hell are you reading?” Abby shoots back, raising her eyebrow at the shirtless brooding wolfman on the cover.

“Shush, you, I was never able to find the first “Dawn of the Wolf” book back in Seattle.”

Manny scoffs. “Someone with good taste probably burned all the copies before our time.” He wipes away a fake tear. “A faceless hero of the people.”

Nora smirks, not looking away from her book.

“Go fuck yourself, Manuel.”

Manny gasps and makes his way across the room, making to cover Lev and Alice’s ears.

“Such language, and in front of the children too?”

Lev laughs and shoves the older man away, only serving to make the man’s grin grow. Alice flops over onto her side and Lev’s attention is once again drawn away as he joins her on the floor.

Rolling her eyes, Abby turns to Owen, gesturing to Mel behind him.

“How is she?”

“Tired. She passed out pretty much the minute you left.”

Abby nods. “Good. She needs the rest.”

Owen stiffens. “Why? Are they not letting us stay?”

“Opposite, actually. They’ve offered us an apartment for now.”

Owen’s entire body relaxes, and he sets himself back down onto the couch at Mel’s feet.

“Thank fucking god.”

“Just like that? No big tests?” Manny asks, crossing his arms.

Abby sighs and rubs her neck. “Well, I talked to Maria, and things are a little...uh, different around here. I told her that we were looking for something long term and she said that as long as we all contribute, we are guaranteed a place here for as long as we want it.”

“What exactly does “contributing” mean here? Do they do assignments?”

“Apparently, no. There are a bunch of odd jobs and you’re expected to uh, pitch in.” Abby shrugs. “I don’t know, Maria said that when we’re settled in, we can start helping out.”

Manny snorts. “It’s a miracle these hippie freaks haven’t been raided.” He says, glancing out the window. “I don’t trust it.”

“Manny.” Nora warns, looking up from her book.

Manny’s hands fly up. “What? We’re all thinking it, I might as well be the one to stay it outloud.”

Nora sighs and closes her book, folding over the page and setting it close by her side. “Maybe these are just good people.”

“There are no “good people” left in the world.” Manny replies shortly.

Abby sighs and gives Manny a warning look that he thankfully heeds before she turns to Owen.

“My point is, we have a place here, if you want to stay.”

Owen sighs, turning his head and examining Mel. After a few seconds, he looks back.

“Only one apartment? For all six of us?”

For the first time since getting back, Abby ventures a smile.

“Well, Maria did mention that a house would be available soon.”

Owen’s eyebrows shoot upwards. “No shit.”

“We’d have first pick, with Mel and you due to have a kid.” Abby says, gesturing towards the sleeping woman.

“There are no other families?” Owen asks, brow furrowing.

Abby shrugs. “I guess not- though Ellie did mention a pregnant local, which may be a problem.”

The room goes silent and Manny and Nora exchange a glance. Lev looks up from giving Alice belly rubs, and Abby sees him look over at her.

“You saw... Ellie?” Owen asks finally, tone careful.

Abby sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Okay, guys, enough with the whole “acting like I’m going to break every time Miller is mentioned” thing. I’m fine.”

“We don’t think you’re gonna break-”

“Oh, really? Is that why we haven’t discussed what we’re going to do if we run into Joel?” Abby replies sharply, crossing her arms over her chest.

Nora opens her mouth before glancing to Owen with a look that reads as a plea for help, and Owen shifts uncomfortably.

“You...didn’t seem to be particularly eager to talk about it.”

“Of course not, but we at least need an agreed plan if he tries to pick a fight with me.”

The room once again falls silent, and Abby feels her eye twitch.

“What?”

Manny rubs the back of his neck and glances at the ceiling.

“We, did actually make a plan-”

Abby turns sharply. “What? Without me??”

Manny winces and pulls his best “please-don’t-kill-us” smile.

“Well, the “plan” was more focused on keeping you from strangling the man with your bare hands.” The sentence is rushed in delivery, so it takes her a few moments to process.

When her mind finally registers, she immediately feels her temper flare.

“You mean you guys don’t fucking trust me-” She starts, but her sentence is cut off by a knock at the door.

Five heads turn to look at the nose, and Alice is instantly on her feet, barking and pacing at the door. Abby grits her teeth and points at the group.

“We’ll have this conversation later.” She snaps, before turning and walking to the door, only stopped by Alice, who is scratching at the wood of the door and doing her best scary bark at whoever is on the other side.

“Lev, can you-”

“Got her.” Lev replies instantly, grabbing hold of the dog's collar and leading her back so Abby can reach the handle. She shoots him a grateful look before swinging the door open.

It takes her eyes a moment to adjust in the midday light, and when they do, she finds herself having to drop her gaze about a foot to find the source of the knock.

In front of her is a short woman with dark hair and unnerving glint in her eyes, wearing a heavy jacket despite the spotless weather. Before Abby can open her mouth, she takes a step forward, cutting the taller woman off.

“Are you Abby Anderson?” She asks, head tilted to the side and dark eyes fixed determinately on Abby’s face.

Abby’s eyebrows raise, and she glances back into the room before answering.

“Yes?” She replies uncertainly, completely lost on what to make of the woman.

The stranger nods, a sharp smile rolling over a strangely thunderous expression.

“Good.” She says, in a tone that very much does not support the word.

Then, she punches Abby square in the nose.

Chapter Text

Over the dull roar of blood in her ears, Abby can hear shouting start instantly. As she stumbles back, grabbing onto the door to steady herself, her hand flies to her face, clutching over her nose. She can already taste the blood in the back of her throat, and in a flash of panic, she’s sure her nose is broken- until the pain clears enough for the sensation of her prodding fingers against solid bone to remove the fear.

She feels a brush of fur against her legs and glances down to see a furious Alice, barking her head off at the woman, who stands defiantly behind the watchdogs from earlier. Thinking quickly, she uses her non occupied hand to grab Alice’s collar, tugging the dog back before one of the idiots decides to shoot her.

“Wh- Hey! Woah- back off-”

“-the fuck kind of bullshit-”

“Everyone needs to calm down, right now-”

“-Calm down? She attacked her! Don’t tell us to calm down, pendejo- ”

“-If you don’t back down-”

“Why are you yelling at us? You saw that she-”

Abby feels warm blood start to soak her palm and she heaves a snort that turns into an exasperated chuckle. Slowly, the argument around her dies down as all the eyes inside and outside the doorway train onto her. She feels Alice tug at where she holds her collar, still barking rabidly as the argument stills.

She locks eyes with the petite woman, who is still glaring at her defiantly.

“You sure can pack a punch, lady.” She says, her voice muffled by the hand cupping her nose.

“Be glad I didn’t break your damn nose.” The woman replies hotly, and Glasses immediately puts out an arm to hold her back, looking nervously between her and the group of angry ex-wolves collected behind Abby in the doorway.

“Dina, woah, what the hell-”

“There better be a good damn reason for all the shouting.”

Abby turns her head to look at the source of the irritated grumble and finds Mel slowly sitting up, clutching her belly and shooting Owen and Manny a scalding glare. She seems to take a second to evaluate the situation, eyes locking onto Abby, who’s still clutching her nose and trying not to drip blood down her shirt, then looking towards the doorway, where the three Jackson residents stare openly at the group uneasily.

She rubs her face and pushes herself fully up, not raising off the couch. As she adjusts, the tall one clears his throat and glances nervously from Abby to the short woman.

“So….do you two... know each other?” He asks hesitantly, only to immediately be shoved on the shoulder by Glasses.

“Do we?” Abby asks dryly, narrowing her eyes at the woman over her hand. Her dark eyes flash and she opens her mouth to reply, but is cut off by a call from inside the room.

“Abby, get your ass over here and let me take a look.”

Abby wipes her nose defiantly, internally bemoaning the blood that smears across her hand- that is gonna be a pain to wash off.

“I’m fine.”

“Oh, thank you, doctor. Remind me- where’d you get your medical training, again?” Mel snaps. “Get. Your ass. Over here.”

Exhaling slowly, Abby shoots the woman one last glare before passing Alice’s collar to Manny and reluctantly sulking over, sinking onto the couch next to Mel. She sees Lev move from where he was frozen in the corner, quickly walking over to the couch and pulling over Mel’s pack, settling next to them on the floor. The short haired woman gestures, and Lev pulls a rag and gauze from her pack, handing them over. Immediately, Mel begins aggressively wiping the blood away from Abby’s face.

“Ow.” Abby growls, only to be met with a smack.

“Quiet, you.”

From the door, Owen turns to the guards.

“Aren’t you guys going to do anything? She attacked one of our people-”

Glasses raises her hands defensively. “Woah, attack is a bit of a strong term, don’t you-”

“It’s exactly the right term, unless you country fucks call punching someone in the damn face something else-” Manny interjects, gesturing at where Abby sits.

Abby grits her teeth as Mel stabs at her nose with her finger, white spots dancing across her eyes in response to the sharp sensation.

Nora steps forward and puts a hand on Manny’s shoulder, putting on her best diplomatic face. “Alright, let’s all cool off for ten seconds. Right, Manny?”

Abby rolls her eyes, only to receive another smack from Mel. From the doorway, Manny doesn’t move, still glowering outside, before Nora visibly digs her nails into his shoulder.

“Right, Manny?” She repeats lowly, and the other man huffs in annoyed affirmation, stepping back and taking a still growling Alice with him.

Nora steps forward, strategically putting herself slightly in front of Owen and Manny.

“It appears we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot- I’m Nora, this is Owen- the grumpy one is Manny.” The medic nods forward, eyes narrowing slightly. ”Who are you, exactly?”

“Dina.”

Nora exchanges a slow glance with Owen.

“Nice to meet you-”

“I’m a friend of Ellie’s.”

All six of them freeze in place at the firm declaration, and Abby feels Mel’s focus immediately shift away from her.

There is a pregnant, awkward pause, and from where she sits, Abby can see Tall and Glasses exchange confused looks.

“Ah.” Nora finally says, before she glances briefly back at Abby, her gaze evaluating before it sweeps back outside.

“My apologies, Abby tends to be rather rude-”

Abby sits up, ready to protest, before Mel rests a hand on her arm that stops her. She huffs and settles back down into the seat.

“-care to come in? I think we have...some things, to discuss?”

Glasses firmly shakes her head. “No, that seems like a bad-”

Before she can finish, the woman- Dina- is pushing her way past the two, walking through the gap Nora makes as she steps aside.

“Wh- Dina,” Glasses starts.

“I’ll call you if I need you.” Dina replies shortly, her eyes locking onto Abby.

Abby glares right back.

The two guards look too bewildered to interject, and Nora shuts the door in their face before either has the chance.

The silence is deafening as Dina looks around at them, her sharp gaze evaluating the situation. She glances at Alice, who has finally stopped barking, eliciting a growl from the dog.

“Charming.” She remarks dryly.

“Why don’t we all sit down?” Nora suggests. Abby watches as she exits Dina’s eyeline and stabs both of the standing men sharply in the side, causing them both to form matching indignant expressions that she meets with a glare.

Mel returns to her inspection of Abby’s nose once the boys start to move towards the couch, poking her chin.

“Look up.”

Abby sighs and obeys, training her gaze on the ceiling.

“So, Tina, was it?” Abby starts, doing her best to look at the other woman over her tilted face.

“Dina.”

“Like I said, Tina. What the hell did I do to you?”

“Well, you kidnapped my best friend, to start.”

Abby immediately drops her chin, raising her hands defensively.

“Woah, okay, first of all-”

“Look up.” Mel snaps, and Abby grits her teeth and returns her gaze upwards, trying to maintain her posture as Mel starts to irritatedly shove rolled gauze up her nose.

“Kidnap is a strong term. She found me, and-”

“And then you kept her tied up somewhere for almost two days.”

“Yeah well I-” Abby cuts off as Mel aggressively shoves the gauze upwards, stopping to pull away and cup her face, coughing. “Come on, Mel-”

Mel cuts her off with a firm look, and Abby grinds her jaw and settles back, absently picking at the balled shit now up her nose in discomfort.

“Don’t. Touch.” Mel says, punctuating her sentence by slapping Abby’s hand down. Abby shoots the woman a glare, which she matches with equal ferocity.

“Oh, and I’m pretty damn sure Joel didn’t break his own two ribs- you wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, right?” Dina snaps, stepping forward and resting her hand on the back of the chair closest to the door.

Abby’s eyebrow raises and her attention turns back to the woman. She scowls.

“Look, I don’t know what Ellie said to set her guard dog on us, but that shit wasn’t really as cut and dry as her majesty might have made it sound.”

“Ellie didn’t set me on you-”

“Yeah, sure.” Abby snaps, geturing outwards. “How much of the town has she already convinced against us, huh? Cause I gotta say, as much as I just love getting punched-”

Dina says something quietly, stopping Abby in her rant. She looks over at Owen, who shrugs at her questioning stare.

“What did you say?” Abby asks finally, and Dina sighs, crossing her arms and looking away.

“Ellie didn’t say anything. Joel didn’t either.” Dina sets her jaw, shifting her weight. “Neither of them ever told anyone what….happened.”

Abby stares at the dark haired woman, her mind spinning in confusion. She hardly registers the shifting of the people around her, head completely filled with swirling memories and confusion and so many questions-

“Why….would they do that?” Owen says, voicing the question Abby’s brain all but screams.

Dina shrugs. “After they got back, everyone kept asking. Ellie made up some bullshit story about getting lost while hunting and getting attacked by a cougar. Not that anyone bought that, after Shimmer just showed up without any of her supplies-”

“Shimmer?” Nora asks, head tilting.

Dina sighs and rubs her face. “The horse.”

Confusion clouds the faces of the rest of the room, and Nora exchanges a glance with Manny and Owen.

“We didn’t return-”

“I did.”

Six pairs of eyes train onto Abby, who shifts uncomfortably under the stare.

“What? I wasn’t gonna just leave it to die.” She mutters, averting her gaze to the floor.

Manny abruptly chuckles across from her.

“You and animals, Abs.”

Abby immediately flips the man off, only smiling a little when she hears Lev’s soft laugh on the floor next to her.

“Hold on, I’m still unclear here- how did you know who we are, if Ellie didn’t tell you?” Mel speaks up, pausing in her wrapping of gauze.

Dina shifts uncomfortably, avoiding the group’s eyes.

“She….talks in her sleep, sometimes.”

The room chills a bit at the quiet words, and Abby feels her grip tighten. She crosses her arms to hide her discomfort, inspecting the quickly crusting blood on her fingernails.

Manny is the first to break the silence.

“Well, that’s cheerful. On the bright side, no one else knows anything, right?” He asks, staring Dina down. “You wouldn’t go against her, ah, wish for privacy, would you?”

The words are not a threat, but they are sure close in tone. Dina frowns, and her eyes narrow.

“If you all try anything to hurt her, I swear to god-”

“You’ll kill us, I know.” Abby finishes exasperatedly. When the room once again turns it’s focus onto her, she shrugs. “What? I’ve already had this conversation today.”

Her gaze turns to Dina, who meets the look with a guarded expression.

“Your girlfriend is capable of taking care of herself, trust me.” Abby ads dryly.

“She isn’t my girlfriend.” Dina responds instantly, and Abby shrugs.

“Sure.”

The woman grits her teeth, before she steps away from the chair.

“I’ve said everything I came to say.” She states firmly, before turning and starting to make her way out. Abby raises an eyebrow, watching the way the woman walks stiltedly away. It reminds her distantly of Mel’s recently developed pissed off waddle.

Suddenly, two thoughts click in her head.

“Good luck with the pregnancy, Dina.”

Everyone in the room turns sharply towards Abby, except for Dina, who stops in her step. Her hand rests, still on the handle, and she glances back.

The alarmed expression on the previously stoic features says everything Abby needs to know, and she smirks. She raises her hands and twiddles her fingers in a sarcastic wave, and the woman’s expression rapidly shifts between surprise, confusion, anger, and finally, a flash of fear.

Dina looks away and quickly opens the door, stepping out and immediately slamming it shut.

The room sits in stilted silence for about five seconds before Manny turns in his seat.

“May I be the first to say, with feeling, what the fuck??”

Chapter Text

Ellie returns to her cold, empty apartment and bundles herself in her burrito of blankets. Part of her is still racing with adrenaline, and she feels as though she could run a mile or take on a horde of infected. Another part of her is exhausted; there have been too many high emotions in one day.

Before she can fully settle in, however, she hears a knock at the door that sends a bolt of tired frustration through her aching chest.

“Go away.” She half-mutters, half-groans, flopping onto her side and curling into a fetal position. She’s so not in the mood for another fucking person today.

“Are you sure? It would be a damn shame for all this ice cream to go to waste.” Comes a muffled reply from outside, and Ellie immediately sits up.

She stands, making no effort to shuck off her thick blanket and she shuffles to the door, throwing the lock before shuffling back to her pillowy nest. She hears the creak of the hinges as they open behind her, followed by heavy boots stepping into the room and pausing.

She turns towards the intruder from her pile of pillows, taking in the warm, slightly sad smile and green eyes looking over her no doubt pathetic state.

Joel nods to himself and sighs, closing the door and dropping his bag onto the ground beside the entrance, shuffling through its contents for a second before coming back with two cartons of ice cream, their labels containing a hand scrawled "vanilla" that catches the beams of light shining through Ellie’s closed shutters.

“How you holdin’ up, kiddo?”

In response, Ellie squints at the man and burrows backwards into the pile of pillows.

"That good, huh?" Joel says as he walks over and sits on the edge of her bed, holding out one of the cartons near a fold of the blankets.

Ellie snatches it as quick as she can and pulls off the lid, tossing it towards the floor and licking the surface.

"Jesus, Ellie, use a spoon." Joel says, waving a utensil in front of her face.

"Go fuck yourself."

Joel laughs and opens the other carton, sticking in his own spoon and setting hers next to her pile.

"I go to all this effort to get you an authentic break-up experience, and you don't even use a spoon." Joel grumbles with an exaggerated huff, and Ellie pauses, realizing he must not know about Abby. After a second, she rolls her eyes before grabbing the spoon and carving out a large chunk of the ice cream, licking it pointedly while glaring him down. She chooses to deal with the mess of the Seattle crew later- she doesn't want to add another wound that Joel can't solve to his attempts to help her.

His eyes twinkle with humor and he nods in self satisfaction.

"I did teach you right after all."

"Mm." Ellie replies, shoveling as much ice cream in her mouth as she can possibly fit.

"So," Joel starts, taking his own bite of ice cream. "Do you want me to distract you, or do you wanna talk about it?"

"You don't wanna talk about it."

Joel sighs dramatically and sits back. "Now what makes you think that?"

Ellie doesn't reply, shoving the rest of her spoon into her mouth, focusing intently on the ice cream in her lap to keep from tearing up. She's overwhelmed, and she doesn't want him to see it. He worries about her enough.

"Y'know, I've been dumped a few times in my day," Joel starts, gesturing over with his spoon.

Ellie rolls her eyes. "No, really?"

"Okay- first of all, you're supposed to be shocked."

Ellie snorts before widening her eyes, letting her mouth drop open in mock surprise. "NO, really???"

Joel laughs, and Ellie can't help the grin that sneaks across her face.

"That's more like it."

Ellie scoops another bite of her ice cream, sucking on the spoon for a few seconds.

"What's been the worst one?"

"Hm?"

"Worst break up?"

"Ah." Joel says, and he sits back onto her pillows. He grimaces slightly, lost in thought for a few seconds before shrugging and taking another bite of his desert.

"I ever told you 'bout Lisa?" He asks, glancing over. Ellie thinks for a second before shaking her head, and Joel sighs, jabbing his spoon into his ice cream.

"She was Sarah's mother."

Ellie pauses in her consumption for a moment, lowering her spoon hand.

"Joel, you don't have to-"

He waves his hand, before she can finish. "Nah, nah. It's okay, kiddo, it was a while ago."

Ellie squints at him for a second before he smiles and continues.

"Now Lisa and I- we met, uh, my second year of High School- her forth."

Ellie snorts. "Got a thing for older gals?"

Joel smacks her on the arm lightly and laughs, rolling his eyes.

"Only two years older, you little shit. Besides, I've always been mature for my age."

"Ah," Ellie says, straightening. "Makes sense, with you acting like a 90 year old these days."

Joel rolls his eyes and flicks the blanket.

"Anyway," he continues pointedly, shooting her a look. "Lisa was a senior- this absolutely gorgeous blonde girl, everyone had a crush on her- she was a cheerleader and everything."

Ellie's mind conjures images of the old movies they always watch together, and she nods. "Mean girl?"

"You'd think, but no. She was a complete sweetheart. When we started goin' out, Tommy got real pissed because she was 'too nice to date an asshole like me.'"

"Ouch."

Joel shrugs. "Eh. Nobody listens to their piece of shit little brother at that age- I knew he was just jealous."

"So what happened?"

Joel sighs deeply, and Ellie glances down. His ice cream has turned into a mostly melted mess, but he doesn't seem to notice, continuing his efforts of stabbing it with his spoon.

"Well, as you can probably guess, she got pregnant."

Ellie blinks, and Joel catches her eye. Distantly, she wonders if pregnancy ruins every relationship.

"Yeah, I know. I was 15, she was 17, and suddenly she's pregnant and reality came knocking."

"How'd she react?"

Joel blows out a rush of air, lifting a spoon of mostly liquid ice cream to his mouth.

"She was terrified. We both were. I...I wanted to run away together. I mean, I know I don't seem it, now, but I always wanted kids, and I thought- Well, I felt like we should start a family. Didn't matter how young we were."

He pauses for a second and Ellie can physically see the man thinking. She wonders if he's pondering what could have been, or just remembering the pain of those years.

"Lisa, though- she wanted to go to college, become an architect, and all. She didn't wanna do that with a baby, which is fair. Then-" he sighs. "See, my old man and I never got along, so I begged her to keep it a secret, until I could figure out what to do. But she ended up telling her parents, who ended up callin' him, and he ended up decidin' to kick me out a week after my 16th birthday."

Ellie winces and reaches out a hand to lay on Joel's shoulder. He glances back at her and smiles, shrugging.

"Don't worry kiddo, the experience didn't kill me."

"That still fucking sucks." Ellie replies, waving her spoon at him slightly as she withdraws her hand.

Joel shrugs. "I'm tellin' ya, week of my birthday? Cursed as shit. Damn near everything bad in my life has happened that week."

"So then what?"

Joel shrugs. "I got a job. Dropped outta high school. Lisa started gettin' homeschooled, cause her parents were embarrassed-"

"Why the fuck were they embaressed?" Ellie interrupts, brow furrowed.

Joel hums and takes another spoonful of liquid ice cream. "Everybody back then was in everybody's business. Lisa was her family's perfect golden girl, so a pregnancy was 'bout the worst thing that could happen. Like they weren't, I dunno, properly watchin' her, and all."

Ellie's eyebrows furrow, and she looks back at her ice cream.

"Anyway, I got a job and then an apartment. Lisa's parents didn't want me to visit, so Lisa would sneak out to come meet me. I tried to convince her to come live with me, to run away with me, anything- but eventually, she came up to me, crying her eyes out, and she told me she was done."

Joel goes quiet for a second, before clearing his throat.

"She uh, told me that she was giving up the baby for adoption, and that she was gonna go to college in the fall like she had planned. I- I realized I couldn't ask her to give up on her future to live with a chump idiot like me, so I just… let her go."

The two of them sit in silence for a second before Ellie's confusion pokes forward.

"But- how did you end up with Sarah, then?"

Joel winced. "Well, I wasn't gonna let my kid grow up alone, so I tried to adopt Sarah back from the state- but the law said that you had to be 21 and shit. Like fuck was I gonna wait for 5 years, or chance her gettin' adopted by someone else, so I did, court stuff. I was my own attorney and everything." He sounds almost proud as he talks, and Ellie finds herself glancing at her scattered sketches of JJ before looking back to him.

"I memorized a lotta law books for that one." Joel says, nodding to himself. "Finally got custody when I was 18, only to realize I wasn't exactly ready to raise a child. Then again, no one is, but Tommy ended up helping out a lot as Sarah got older."

Ellie raises an eyebrow. "Tommy seems like he'd be terrible with a toddler."

Joel laughs and shakes his head. "You'd think, but nope. Man is a wiz. Pretty sure it's 'cause he never grew the hell up, but that's just me."

Ellie can't help the laugh that bubbles up in her throat, and she shakes her head, jabbing at her ice cream.

"It's hard, losing someone you pictured a whole life with." Joel says gently, his hand resting on Ellie's shoulder on top of the blanket. She can feel her eyes start to water a little and she locks her jaw, fixing her eyes on the ground.

"Look at me, kiddo."

She blinks rapidly, before forcing the tears down and looking over. Joel bends his head down to meet her gaze.

"I know it feels like the end of the world, right now, but you're the strongest kid I know. I can't guarantee you'll get over her- hell knows I'm not over every ex I've ever had- but I can promise you that you'll heal. Eventually, you'll be ready to move on, and you will.

Ellie can feel the tears begin streaming down her face, and she swallows thickly, looking away. She can feel Joel shift closer, and she burrows into her blankets before letting herself fall onto his shoulder. He wraps his arm around her and gives her shoulders a light squeeze.

"Wanna watch bad movies and complain about them for a few hours?"

Ellie nods miserably, and there's a click as Joel turns on the projector she's shuffled over on her bed.

She doesn't feel great, but at least she feels better.

Chapter Text

Two days pass before the Seattle crew get moved into the "apartment" Maria had mentioned. It's tiny- a small, one story place that clearly used to be a storefront at some point, only marked as a living space by the dusty furniture and bunk beds that have been pushed into a studio-esque arrangement, replacing the shelves that had probably been there at some point.

There isn't a kitchen to speak of, but there is a single power strip in the bathroom that connects a small hotplate, a microwave, and an electric tea kettle. Manny immediately starts calling the setup the "bitchen"- bathroom-kitchen- which Lev repeats with such seriousness that Abby just knows he's going to start getting weird looks from the Jackson people at some point.

There are large glass windows at the front of the building that face the street, and if Abby were any more paranoid, she'd be convinced they'd only been given this place so their lives could be carefully surveyed. There are curtains, probably installed by the last residents, that cover about 80% of the windows while fully drawn.

The only part about the setup Abby likes is that they're on the edge of town, right by the perimeter wall. After claiming the bunk under Lev (he's never been in a bunk bed before, and like hell she's complaining about not sleeping 6 fucking feet off the ground), she'd set out to walk the length of the solid wood wall, looking for the weakest point, should they need an escape route.

While she's out, a few people stare- whether because she's a newcomer, or because of the massive shiners blossoming across her nose and eyes, is really anyone's best guess.

Maria and her husband, Tommy, stop by that night with food and blankets. Maria is nice, in a way that makes it clear she shouldn't be underestimated. Tommy sets Abby on edge. She has no idea why- but when they leave, she can tell that Manny is just as unnerved by him as she is. Nora comments that he seems familiar, and the rest of the group agrees but shrugs it off.

That night, they draw the curtains and pull out the guns they'd managed to sneak into town, taking inventory and counting amo. They have four- Mel gets one, obviously, and Owen gets another to protect her. Nora is voted next least likely to quote, "get jumpy and start shooting", so she's given the third gun, and the next hour and a half is dedicated to Manny and Abby arguing over which of the two of them is more trustworthy.

In the end, they're both deemed "too hot-headed" and Lev gets the last gun. He pretends not to be ecstatic that the group trusts him, and Abby pretends not to notice for his sake as she grumbles and stuffs a pocket knife into her boot.

The next morning, Abby decides to go for a run.

She'd started doing morning jogs when she was 14. It'd originally been some stupid ploy to get Owen to notice her, but it had ended up turning into therapy, of sorts. It calmed her mind to exercise, and it calmed her even more to be able to check up on her surroundings.

It feels like it's been years since she's been able to go on a run in which she wasn't actively running from something or someone, so the chill of the morning mist barely bothers her as she locks the door behind her and starts on her jog.

She expects no one to be awake, but apparently she underestimates this town. As she jogs her way down the main strip, she sees lights in a bakery as conversation and the smell of fresh baking spills out onto the street. The medical building also has lights inside- but she can't see anyone in the windows as she passes.

There is a small crew of people making their way from the stables who nod and to her as she passes, all of them with mud on their boots and gloves- best she can guess, stable hands or patrollers of some kind.

She turns off the main strip and towards where she'd walked with Ellie on their first day in town, not wanting to get lost in the streets, and finds herself on a street full of houses.

It's strange, to see a neighborhood in this state. She's been in dozens of places like this, with houses lined up in a row and white picket fences, but she's never seen one that looked this occupied. Many of the houses look like they've been painted recently, some with well maintained gardens in their planters. She recognizes Maria's house at the start of a block, but can't help but pause in her jog as she notices an empty lot she hadn't seen before right beside it. She walks a bit closer, peering curiously in, and feels her eyebrows shoot up at the well maintained flowers growing carefully in little pots.

"Maria always used to complain that I never brought her flowers."

Abby immediately steps back, turning to see a figure leaned against the porch of Maria's house. As soon as her eyes find him, he stands and walks down the stairs leisurely, as Abby forces her shoulders down.

Tommy Miller makes his way up to her, leaving a gap of five feet between them and taking a sip out of a mug she notices clutched in one hand. He looks over the garden.

"Not very practical, I know. But hey, it's the little things, right?" He says, swirling his mug.

Abby shifts uncomfortably, and tries to shake off the odd feeling of deja vu creeping up the back of her spine.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to bother you, I'll be on my way." She says stiffly, before she takes a few steps back, turning back to the road.

"Now hold on a second."

She stops, foot scuffing the ground a bit as she turns, looking up at the man. Part of her twists at the idea of spending more time around his brother, but she grits her teeth and does her best to look neutral.

"Y'know, you and your friends seem familiar. 'Cept for the kid." He says, watching her with an analytical expression that makes her skin crawl.

Tommy takes a step forward, hand falling to rest on his belt, looking her over.

"Didn't see it at first- you've grown up big. But the more that I think about it, the more I think I remember y'all." He takes a sip, and Abby fights the urge to just continue jogging.

"What do you mean?" She says, as evenly as she can manage.

"You're Fireflies, ain't you?"

Abby freezes. She knows her expression is probably stupid- two blackened eyes, wide and stressed, and a partly open mouth, shocked.

Tommy seems to take that as confirmation, taking a sip.

"Yeah. Definitely thought I remembered your blonde friend." He chuckles, in a way that lacks humor. "Tobias was always complainin' about him bein' obnoxious in trainin'."

The name Tobias instantly summons a memory in her mind. Tobias Moore had been a grumpy older ex-fedra Firefly who'd taught all the younger recruits how to shoot and fight. He'd hated Owen with a burning passion- hated her by proxy, when she was old enough to train.

"Wait- you were a Firefly??" She asks, shifting in her stance. Tommy raises his mug.

"That I was. Till I realized "the light" ain't all Marlene cracked it up to be."

Abby's mind turns at the new information, and she takes another half step back.

"You-"

"I'm the only person in town who knows what Joel did, if that's what you're 'bout to ask."

Abby's words die in her throat, and she can't tear her eyes away from the older man as he watches her with a completely neutral expression that she has the overwhelming desire to shoot off.

She's suddenly glad she hadn't been given a gun.

"Look, I can only imagine you're beyond upset. But by now you should probably realize that there was never any hope for a cure in the first place."

Abby can feel a bolt of rage go through her. "Excuse me?" She says softly, eyes narrowing.

He tilts his head, gesturing with his cup. His posture is relaxed. "Marlene's doctors were all new-world idiots anyway. Even if they had killed Ellie-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there." Abby growls, fists tightening.

Tommy's eyebrow raises and he tilts his head. Abby tries to shove back her temper.

"My dad was Marlene's lead idiot doctor." She snarls, and Tommy's expression immediately shifts into one of surprise.

"Mind your own goddamn business." She says, before she turns. She makes it two steps before she shoots a glare over her shoulder.

"And tell your brother to stay the hell out of my way."

She doesn't look back as she jogs away.

Chapter Text

She's drowning. She can feel the pressure of the scrawny ghost of a woman on top of her- resting directly on her stomach- and the feeling makes her want to vomit as her lungs scream for air. There are two hands, rough and calloused, wrapped around her throat, shoving her down into the salty water, and her mouth tastes like brine and blood and stomach acid.

The pressure on her suddenly grows, and the silhouette she can make out through the water is much larger, messy short hair replaced by a long blonde braid. Her fingernails scrape desperately at tough muscle that is barely strained at the effort of shoving her deeper into the water, and her head smacks against a rock with a sickening crack that she knows is too clear to have come from underwater.

She's shoved into the rock again, and she is suddenly an observer of her own body, and she can see her face split and bloody and bruised as it's pushed into the water, caving in as it hits the rock with a sound that rings in her ears-

Ellie jolts awake, drenched in sweat, covers tangled around her legs and hands sore from clenching.

She grimaces as she pushes herself up, wiping off her face and squinting at the electric clock on her bedside table.

9:21 am.

She groans and leans forward, rubbing off her face with more vigor. Her stomach growls, and she distantly registers the smell of bacon as she shifts so she's sitting on the edge of the bed. She pauses, taking a few measured breaths before she forces herself to stand.

She stretches as she walks to her closet and pulls free a flannel and some jeans, pulling them on as she groggily wipes off the remainders of her dream.

At least it wasn't another dream about Dina, She thinks to herself as she opens the door to the garage and slips on some sneakers, making her way across the path to Joel's porch.

The back door is open, allowing the smell of bacon and the sound of sizzling to fill the air. She hears humming as she enters, and sees Joel standing in front of the stove, cracking eggs.

"That smells great." She says tiredly, pulling out one of the stools at the counter and sitting. Joel glances over, smiling slightly.

"Why thank you." He says, and she leans her chin on her hand, yawning. "Sleep well?"

"Nope."

Joel glances back again, looking her over with slight concern and empathy.

"Dina?"

"Abby." She replies, fighting down the flinch at Dina's name. Joel looks surprised.

"What about her?" He says, casually prompting.

"I don't trust that she isn't here to kill you. I mean- why else would they come back?"

Joel hums, and she can see him straighten a bit, his posture a bit less relaxed.

"I'm with you, kiddo. If you're really worried, we can talk to Maria. Tell her the truth."

Ellie pinches the bridge of her nose, rubbing her eyes. Her mind goes to the pregnant one. Mel.

"No." She mumbles. "I'm sure I'm just being paranoid."

Joel hum in response and clicks the tongs in his hand. He glances back at her with a sympathetic look.

"Let's just avoid 'em, then. Jackson will just have to be big enough for the both of us, for now."

Ellie grunts in reply, and she hears a plate being shuffled before it's dropped in front of her.

"Eat up."

She obliges, grabbing a fork and stabbing at a strip of bacon.

"So, uh. What're your plans for the day, kiddo?"

Ellie looks up to examine Joel, who is trying to look casual as he sets down his own breakfast. He has that look that he gets when he's trying to read her mind, careful to gauge every reaction. She can't help the eyeroll.

“I'm fine.” She says dryly, and Joel looks up, like he's surprised she noticed his completely non subtle prodding. He sits down, slowly.

“Alright.” Joel says, holding up his hands a little. She can tell he doesn't believe her.

“Joel.” She says dryly, and he huffs.

“What?”

“Stop staring at me. It's weird.”

Joel crosses his arms, ‘psh’ing defensively. “I ain't staring.” He says, looking out the window. “Ain’t even lookin’.”

She gives him a deadpan look and he glances over, before he sighs.

“Fine. I'm just- I'm worried about you, is that a crime?”

Ellie shovels the last of her egg into her mouth, grabbing a bacon strip and standing. “I have a shift at the stables.” She says dryly, and Joel raises his hands.

“Alright, fine, fine. I get it. I'll back off.”

“Great.” She replies, bumping his shoulder with her fist as she goes to leave. “I'll be back for lunch.”

“I got patrol at 11.”

Ellie wrinkles her nose. “See you at dinner, then.” She grabs her pack as she heads out the door, slinging it over her shoulder.

It's a warm, late summer day outside, the town alive with activity. Ellie’s used to things being in full swing by the time she's able to drag herself out of bed, as one of the seemingly only people in town with a hatred for early mornings.

People say hi to her as she passes- she gives them her flat, quick smile in return, and keeps her focus on walking, not holding eye contact with anyone long enough to spark conversation. Mac, an older man who runs the home repairs(most specifically plumbing, most days), almost tries to stop her- but she picks a spot in the middle distance and adds a little determination to her walk, pretending she doesn't see him.

She manages to get away.

Thankfully, the stables are a short enough walk that no one else tries to catch her eye, though walking past the patrol house does pull at something in her gut.

After what happened in the winter, she hadn’t rejoined the patrol rotation. At first, it had been under doctor's orders- Ellie had gotten a series of headaches after her concussion that were apparently concerning. Joel had spent that month fretting like a worried mother hen, hovering over her even more than usual, making sure she only got shifts at the lowest labor of tasks.

Unfortunately, there was only so much entertainment to be found in helping out as a line cook or as a dishwasher in the hall- even if it weren't for Ellie's abysmal cooking skills or her propensity for dropping at least two glasses a day, the complete and utter lack of stimulation proved to be worse than any headache ever be. Suffice to say, as soon as she was cleared, she moved onto literally any other task.

Well, literally any other task except patrol.

She told herself (and Joel) that she was just taking it easy. This excuse worked, for a good long while- hell, Joel wasn't complaining- but after three months, Jesse started to ask her when she was planning on “getting off her ass”.

She ignores the tug of muscle memory and pushes towards the stables. She sees Felix out in the pen, brushing the coat of a large black mare named Macaroni. He looks up as she approaches and gives her a grin. He looks a bit blazed, but that's to be expected for Felix on a random Tuesday afternoon.

“Hey Els.” He says, and she opens the gate, giving him a little salute before she closes it behind her.

“Hey Felix.” She replies, pulling off her pack and slinging it over one of the fence posts before she starts rolling up the sleeves of her flannel.

“Good news- you don’t have to muck out the stables today.” Felix says brightly, and Ellie snorts.

“Like you're gonna do it yourself.” She shoots back. He huffs and gives her a big, lopsided grin.

“You know me- but, lucky for us, some of the new folk signed on for stable work.”

Ellie instantly cringes at the words, but she does her best to control her face and push down her hackles. “Oh yeah?” She forces herself to say, with a forced casualness.

“Yep. Can you show ‘em around for me?”

“Isn’t that supposed to be your job, supervisor?” She replies flatly, crossing her arms. Macaroni huffs at her tone, scraping one of her hooves along the dirt. Felix pats her mane.

“You’re better with people. Also, I am waaaaaay too high for kids right now.”

“Literally no one has ever described me as good with people.” She mutters. She pauses. “Wait, kid?”

“They’re inside.”

Ellie can feel her unease growing slightly as she shoots Felix one last resentful look before she heads for the stable doors, propped open to let in the fresh air.

As she turns inside, she first sees someone by Shimmer's pen, petting her head as she leans out to greet the stranger. It takes her a second to register the boy, his shaggy short hair and his curling scars, but the instant she does, her head whips around until her eyes find Abby, leaning against a post and staring at her with the same look of “you've gotta be kidding me” she's sure is written all over her face. She has a nasty looking black eye.

She doesn't know why she expected anything different from the universe.

The boy looks over as she enters and seems to analyze her for a second before he gives her a tiny, hesitant smile.

Instead of returning it, she drags her hand down her face and focuses her eyes on the pitchforks at the other side of the stables, marching right past Abby and the boy like she doesn't see them there.

There is a pause before the kid speaks. “We're here to-”

“Yeah, I know.” Ellie cuts him off, pulling down the pitchforks. “You guys are on mucking duty. You'll start with Shallot, Macaroni, Heimdall, and Orchid's stalls, since they're all out.” She says, not able to curb the irritation in her tone. She hears Abby snort.

“Figures.” The braided woman mutters, and Ellie prickles slightly as she turns, walking back. She thrusts out the pitchfork, eyes narrowed slightly at Abby.

“If you don't like the work, volunteer somewhere else.” Ellie says flatly, and beside them, the boy looks back and forth between the conversation.

“Maria recommended here.” Abby shoots back, eyes narrowing right back, and Ellie grits her teeth. Of course Maria did.

“I'm Lev.” The boy proclaims suddenly, holding out his closed fist towards Ellie, arm awkwardly straight.

This causes Ellie to pause for a second, staring at the boy, and then down at his extended fist. There is an awkward pause between the three of them before, out of the corner of her vision, Ellie sees Abby gesture at Lev, holding up her fist and then uncurling her fingers. Ellie's brow knits in bewilderment as the boy notices this, uncurls his fist, and thrusts forward his flat palm instead, like he's going for a high five.

In the corner of her vision, Abby pinches the bridge of her nose.

Never one to leave someone hanging, even with the awkward pause, Ellie hesitates, before she high fives Lev, who lights up with a grin. Some of the unease in her stomach dissipates.

“Ellie.” She says, and Lev nods sagely.

“I know.” He says, before he holds out his hand for the pitchfork.

Ellie hands it to him, and he takes it, turning to peer at the stalls. “Where do we start?”

Ellie turns and leads them to a stall at the end, opening the door. She rubs her neck, choosing to focus on Lev instead of Abby, even if her eyes instantly flick to her with every movement.

“Have you mucked out horses before?” She asks Lev, who nods.

“Yes. It was required of everyone in my village to take their turns with the horses.” He says, and glances over. “Do you have fresh hay?”

Ellie points to a stack in the connected barn, and Lev instantly nods, setting to work. She stares at him for a solid second before she starts to realize he won't need much help- at this, she turns to Abby, not looking at her as she points to the stall across the way. “You can do Macaroni's.” She says quietly, dry, before she turns to go check the task list.

She gets a few steps before she realizes Abby hasn't moved, and she looks back.

The woman is standing there, looking awkward and out of place in the stable, fidgeting with her pitchfork.

It takes her a moment to recognize some embarrassment in her posture.

Abby seems to notice her noticing and she huffs defensively, cheeks coloring.

“Aren't you supposed to teach me how to do this?” She says, staring at the ceiling.

Ellie squints. “You don't know how to muck out a horse?” She says dryly, and Abby narrows her eyes.

“No. Why would I?”

“I assumed if the 12 year old knows how to do it, maybe you would have the brain cells somewhere to piece it together.” Ellie shoots, and Abby looks at her, gripping the pitchfork tighter, still clearly embarrassed.

“I'm 14!” Lev calls from the stall, which both Ellie and Abby ignore.

“I'm a soldier. Never in my life have I worked in a stable.”

Ellie snorts, and she glares at her as forcefully as she can. “Just, go in. And muck.”

Abby huffs, glaring at Ellie. “Oh yeah, sure, that's super helpful advice.”

“I can show you how to do it.” Lev says from inside the stall.

“No.” Both Ellie and Abby say at the same time, which surprises them both. Abby blinks at Ellie, and Ellie quickly looks away, gritting her teeth and grabbing a pitchfork off the wall before she pushes past Abby into the stall.

“Use your pitchfork to separate the shit from the hay. Move the shit into a pile.” Ellie explains flatly, working quickly to demonstrate. Abby hovers over her shoulder, with a face of disgust. Some part of Ellie wriggles with satisfaction at her discomfort.

“Once you have a pile, go get a wheelbarrow, shovel the shit into the wheelbarrow, dump it in the compost barn, replace the hay. Got it?”

Abby stares at the large pile of hay before she sighs.

“If I walk out on my shift, will you hicks throw me out of town?” She grumbles, and Ellie narrows her eyes.

“Give me one excuse, Anderson.” She fires back, and Abby grits her teeth before she steps fully into the stall. Ellie quickly turns to leave, unable to help the feeling of triumph.

She retreats back to the other room, pulling the task list down off the wall and walking back into the stable as she reads.

She flips to the schedule, and to her dismay, she finds it noted that Lev and Abby will be working there the whole week. She makes a face.

“If you're a soldier, why not sign up for patrol? Or weapons management?” Ellie says, not fully intending the question to be outloud. In the stall, Abby grunts, pausing slightly in her work.

“Maria wants to keep an eye on us for a bit before she arms us.” She replies. She glances over her shoulder. “I'm surprised you don't know that- it seems like something you would suggest.”

Ellie pauses at this. Abby's right, of corse, it's what she would have suggested- but it strikes her as odd that Maria would do that.

It's hardly protocol to make newcomers stay in the camp.

“Well then, why not sign up for something easier?” Ellie asks, eyeing her. Abby's barely dressed for any kind of animal care, wearing a tank top and cargo pants that look relatively nice.

Ellie knows from experience they'll be ruined by the end of the day.

“This was the only space with two spots for the same shift.” Abby replies shortly.

Ellie frowns a little at this, and she looks between the two.

For the first time since the boy drew a bow on Dina in that stupid theater, Ellie wonders about the relationship between the two. There had been no boy in their group when they had come to kill Joel- but then again, that's hardly the kind of thing you would bring a child to do. The two don't look like siblings, and the odd scars on the child's face bear resemblance to those of the crazy cultists that had also stalked the streets of Seattle alongside the wolves.

In her memory, however, the cultists and the WLF had been enemies, brutally killing each other.

“So, how did you two meet?” She asks bluntly, unable to stop the question. Abby stops to look over her shoulder at her, and she can hear the boy pause in his work.

“Why do you ask?” Abby says, and Ellie hesitates, trying to find a good excuse to pry.

“You don't see people taking a lot of kids on the road?” She offers, and Abby doesn't seem satisfied by this answer.

“My sister and I saved her from being hung.” Lev says from his stall, voice serious.

Ellie frowns at this. Her eyes drop to Abby's neck, and Abby rubs it instinctively. Her mind stretches a little as she distantly recalls bruising around Abby's neck in that fateful week. At the time, it had been a small detail she'd completely ignored.

“....Huh.” She manages lamely.

Neither of the two say anything more on the topic, and Ellie busies herself looking back at the schedule.

‘This is gonna be a long shift.’

Chapter Text

Abby works in silence to keep herself from complaining.

She hates the smell of the shit as she pokes around with the pitchfork, and it's like she can feel it starting to seep into her hair and her clothes. She grits her teeth to keep in an irritated grumble, and takes a deep breath to force her expression to be neutral.

She can hear Lev start to hum a few stalls down, a Seraphite tune that he only really hums when no one but her is around. She remembers the one time where he started humming it around Owen and Manny- but he'd noticed their immediate tension and the way all conversations in their camp had gone silent, and he'd awkwardly stopped, picking at the hem of his shirt instead.

Her nose wrinkles and she fights back a gag as she comes across a particularly liquidy horse shit, and she can't help the quiet sigh that escapes her.

A few seconds later, Lev's head pops into her stall. “Do you need any help, Abby?” He asks, and she glances back.

The helplessness mixed with annoyance must be enough of an answer, because Lev slides into the stall and starts separating the shit coated straw with ease. After a few seconds of silent help, he looks up with his gigantic, innocent brown eyes.

“You should talk to her.” He whispers.

Abby gives him a flat look. “Kid.” She warns quietly and he straightens definitely.

“You should! We might be here for a while.”

“Ideally, we'll be gone soon.” Abby counters, eyes narrowed. “You know that I don't wanna stick around here.”

“You said we don't have any leads, and that we might be here for a while.” Lev argues in a whisper.

Abby rolls her shoulders back, focusing back on the straw, where Lev's paused his work. She tries to mimic his technique, to mixed success.

“Well, maybe we'll try Santa Barbara.” She mutters.

“I thought you said that Santa Barbara was too risky.”

“What's in Santa Barbara?”

Both of them turn to find the lanky redhead leaning against the stall door, examining them with an unreadable expression. Lev looks to Abby, to which Abby turns away.

“Mind your business, Miller.”

“You know my last name is Williams, right? Ellie Williams.” Ellie replies flatly, and Abby's eyes narrow.

“I'm surprised the old mercenary hasn’t adopted you by now.” She shoots back. Besides, she's pretty sure Ellie had called herself “Ellie Miller" when she introduced herself, but she's not going to point that out now.

“What's in Santa Barbara?” Ellie repeats through her teeth, clearly changing the topic.

Lev once again looks at Abby, and she can basically hear him lecturing her about honesty and shit. She chooses to pretend that she can't see him in her periphery.

“Why do you care?”

“Because I've heard there are only slavers and clickers out there, so I'm curious why you're willing to risk it.”

Abby can't help the slight shrink of her shoulders at the echo of information she's heard before, a bit of the hope she clings to desperately flickering out. If the news of slavers has made it all the way here, there's no way she can take Lev into that situation.

“Abby likes the beach.” Lev declares loudly, and Abby blinks out of her thoughts and looks over. The kid is actually sweating from the effort of the lie, and Ellie raises an arched eyebrow.

“Abby likes the beach.” She repeats dryly, and Lev looks over at Abby.

“Yeah. Yeah. Go on, tell her….about how you love the beach.” Lev says, and the lie is almost painful. Abby sees the corner of Ellie's mouth twitch.

Abby sighs and she rubs her face, before she looks over at Ellie.

“We're trying to find the Fireflies.” She admits.

Lev's shoulders sag in relief. In the doorway, Ellie's relaxed posture stiffens and her eyes narrow.

“The Fireflies are gone.” She replies flatly, and Abby can feel a roaring pit of fire rise up her throat before she exhales to calm down.

“Despite Joel's best efforts, no. They aren't.”

“Marlene is dead.” Ellie snaps, and the venom in her tone gives Abby actual pause. She can see familiar hurt in Ellie's eyes, like stretching a wound that hasn't quite healed yet, but Ellie looks away. “The Fireflies are gone.”

Abby pauses for a second, considering her words carefully before she continues, focusing on Lev for a second to keep from saying something brash and angry. She takes a deep breath. “Marlene may have been the leader, but that doesn't mean she was the only Firefly capable of leading. There are rumors-”

“Rumors.” Ellie interrupts flatly.

Abby's eye twitches. “You know what? I don't have to explain this to you. I'm sure you're happy to believe the Fireflies all died to your psychopathic guardian daddy.” She growls, and Ellie’s hands ball into fists.

“I told you before, I never fucking asked to be saved.” Ellie retorts, her tone rising in volume slightly.

“Everything okay in here?”

Abby forces her posture to relax as the high dude they met earlier(Freddy?) enters the barn, looking between them warrily.

Ellie glares at her for another second or two before she stands up and turns away. “Everything's fine.”

The man looks between them a few times, before he nods. “Alright. Ellie, can you help me prep Lute for patrol?”

“Sure.” Ellie mutters.

Abby turns back to her mucking, not looking back until the footsteps fade to the other side of the stable.

“Do you blame her for what happened to the Fireflies?” Lev asks suddenly, and Abby's frown creases deeper.

“It's complicated.” She mutters after a second, not looking Lev in the eye.

“You always say that.” Lev grumbles, and Abby drops her forehead against her pitchfork handle, shaking her head.

“Why do you always ask so many questions?”

“Why do you only answer questions that aren't personal?”

Abby shovels over some hay. “You know my favorite color.”

“That's barely personal.”

“You know some stuff about my dad!”

“You only told me about him to comfort me after my sister died.” He counters bluntly, and Abby flinches a little.

“It's just- hard to talk about, Lev.”

He frowns a little, the way he does when he's deep in thought. He considers for a moment.

“I think the harder something is to talk about, the more you should talk about it.” He says slowly, and Abby blinks.

“Where did you hear that from?”

Lev shrugs. “I dunno. But the more I talked about Yara, the easier it was for me to think about her.” He looks sad, and old beyond his years. It twists Abby's heart strings.

Abby exhales and she looks toward where Ellie disappeared further into the stable, before she looks over.

“Okay. Alright. Uh, Ellie, was supposed to be brought to the Firefly facility Owen and I worked at, in Salt Lake.”

Lev nods slowly. “Why?”

Abby cringes and she looks around, before she shakes her head. “I'll tell you later.” She says, before she clears her throat. “Anyway, Joel brought her. But when he got there, he…….” Abby can feel a ball building in her throat, and she takes another deep breath, avoiding Lev's curious eyes.

“He killed everyone.” She forces out, and Lev's brow furrows.

“Including your dad?”

She can’t find the words, so she just nods, focusing on the shit on the ground and stabbing into the pile of hay.

“How old were you?”

“15.”

“So then, how old was Ellie?”

Abby frowns, and shrugs. “I dunno. She's about my age. Maybe younger? So like. 14 or something.”

“And Ellie helped Joel kill everyone?”

Abby looks over with a perplexed expression, to which Lev's head tilts to the side earnestly. She sighs. “No. She was unconscious, I think.”

“So, why do you blame her?”

“I don't- jeez, kid, what's with the third degree?”

Lev looks puzzled. “Third degree?”

Abby sighs. “Like- why are you asking so many questions?”

Lev blinks, and he shrugs a little. “I'm just curious.” He says sheepishly, and Abby exhales.

“I guess- Joel killed everyone to try and save Ellie. One of the people he killed, Marlene……she was the leader of the Fireflies, and after she died, everything kinda fell apart. That's when Owen and I had to leave.”

Lev nods a few times, processing the new information in silence as Abby finally separates out the last of the shit.

“And Ellie knew Marlene too.” Lev states finally, and Abby frowns.

“I think so? I know they had, some kind of relationship.”

“Ellie misses Marlene.” Lev points out, and Abby's brow furrows as she thinks back to how the woman had reacted to Marlene's name.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Chapter Text

Ellie doesn’t talk for the rest of her shift, working in silence and wordlessly pointing Lev in different directions as he asks questions.

Abby also stays quiet, a stormy expression on her face that puts Ellie on edge. Every once and a while, she glances towards Ellie, which Ellie strategically pretends not to see, trying to seem like she couldn't care less what the other woman is up to.

When their shift finally ends, Ellie leaves the talking to Felix and she stays in her corner of the stable, pretending to be busy with the schedule she finished ten minutes ago.

She can hear Lev talking about how he'd like to work with the horses more, and she can hear Abby grumbling about wanting to do any other job. Felix, of course, offers to let Lev come to the stables for the next month, and Ellie has to stifle a groan.

She can't imagine having to do this every day for the next month.

When they finally leave, she sets down the schedule forcefully and she walks to where Felix is closing up some stalls.

“I'm gonna ask to be reassigned.” She says bluntly, to which Felix jumps.

“Ellie- jeez, anyone ever told you that you're a dead silent walker-”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Maybe you should get your ears checked.”

Felix's mouth opens and closes as he tries and fails to come up with a response, before her words seem to click.

“Wait, reassigned? Why?”

She shrugs. “I'm tired of horses.”

Felix examines her and sighs heavily. “Well…….I guess I knew you were gonna wanna go on patrol sooner rather than later.”

“Not- patrol. I'll find something else.” Ellie says immediately, and Felix's brow furrows.

“Kitchens?”

Ellie shrugs. “Pretty sure the lifetime ban from touching any breakable dish is still in effect.”

“Then the medical center?”

Ellie shakes her head.

“Well………..you could work on the farms?”

“Hell no. Do you know how easily I burn in the sun?” Ellie says defensively.

She tries not to think about the farmhouse on the hill, and the sheep in their little barn, and the strawberries Dina used to fuss over constantly.

“What aboooooout……..home repair?”

Ellie grimaces. “I signed up to help them a single day, and I had to help fix a toilet.”

“That ain't too bad!”

“The shit was still in it.”

Felix makes a face. “Eh. Fair.”

A silence falls between them. Ellie fidgets with her hands. She doesn't know why she stays standing there as Felix silently writes on a clipboard, has no idea what she's waiting for- but eventually Felix pauses in writing and looks over.

“I consider you a friend.” He starts, and Ellie raises an eyebrow.

“Gee, thanks?” She says, and he gives her a look.

“And as your friend, I know that all that sarcasm is a defense mechanism to keep yourself from feeling too vulnerable.”

Ellie narrows her eyes. “I don't like where this is going.” She mutters.

“Yeah well- I like having your help here, I won't lie, but if you are going anywhere, we both know you won't be happy unless it's patrol duty.”

Ellie groans. “I don't want to go on patrol-”

“Yeah, you do. You think I haven't noticed all the times you've come in half asleep and started prepping Shimmer for a run?”

Ellie crosses her arms and looks away.

“I know you've got some stuff and you don't wanna risk opening it and all, but, you shouldn't keep hiding.”

Ellie shakes her head and she straightens, turning. “Like I'm gonna take advice from you.”

Felix frowns, and for a second, he looks hurt. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.”

Felix drops the clipboard back against the door and crosses his arms.

“Actually, you know what? I'm also your supervisor, and unless you transfer to Jesse's unit, I'm gonna tell Maria that you need more time in the stables.”

Ellie stops and she turns, glaring at him. “Felix.” She growls.

Felix crosses his arms. “I find your intimidation tactics way less scary than Joel's.” He says with an almost haughty tone, crossing his arms resolutely.

“If you make me stay here, I'll tell Maria where you keep your weed in the stables.” Ellie snaps back.

He turns up his nose. “So be it. I'll be more sober to start training you into the perfect Assistant Supervisor.”

“You can't be fucking serious.”

“I am. You’re clipping your own wings, Ellie. I'm sick of watching you be miserable.” His tone shifts into one of stubborn concern, and Ellie is a bit thrown off.

On one hand, she knows they've been spending a lot of time together, and she knows that it's made her care about Felix more, but on the other…….it's strange, seeing this level of concern from anyone other than Joel or Dina.

She ducks her head and looks away, quiet.

“Fine. I'll talk to Jesse.” She mutters.

Felix lights up. “Really? Fuck, I thought it'd be harder to convince you.”

She gives him a deadpan look, to which he smiles.

“This is great. It’s about time you and Jesse made up, too.”

Ellie turns her face away as she feels a tug in her gut.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Felix.” She says, and Felix straightens a little.

“Sure thing, Els. whenever you need that transfer signature……”

“I'll let you know.” She says, giving him a little salute before she turns, and she walks out the door, thoughts a jumbled mess in her head.

When she gets home, Joel is sitting on the couch, some ice on a propped up knee and a bowl of what looks to be cheesy pasta in his hands. She can hear the TV playing one of the old western movies he's collected over the years, and after taking off her work boots, she walks in and plops down next to him.

“You okay?” She asks, gesturing to the knee, and Joel grunts.

“Old wound, actin’ up.” He says, leaning forward to pick up another bowl and hand it to her. She takes it. It’s a bit cold, but she's hungry, so she digs right in.

“How was your shift?”

Ellie takes a few more big forkfuls before she takes a second to chew and swallow. “Abby got assigned to the stables.” She says finally, and Joel frowns.

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.” She says dryly. She takes another bite, eyes trained on the TV as the protagonist stands on a dusty street, hand poised over his gun. “They're probably gonna be there for the next month.”

“Well, shit.” Joel muses, frowning.

Ellie shrugs, and she shifts to sit criss crossed on the couch. “Whatever. I'm thinking about transferring back to patrol, anyways.”

A few seconds pass in silence before Joel strains to reach for the remote and pauses the TV.

“You wanna go back on patrol?” He asks, voice gentle, and she can feel his eyes on her. She swallows her food fully and shrugs.

“Yeah. I guess I miss it.”

Joel hums, and he nods a few times, and Ellie prepares herself for a lecture about safety-

“I think that's a good idea.”

She pauses, and she looks over. “Hm?”

“It seems like a good idea. You’ve been pretty restless recently. Might be good for ya.”

Ellie frowns. “You hate it when I go on patrol.”

Joel chuckles softly and he leans back. “Maybe, but you like it, kiddo. You’re suited for it.”

She quirks an eyebrow. “Because I'm immune?” She questions flatly.

Joel gives her a look, a look he gives her every time she brings it up- but he doesn't launch into his typical reprimand about talking about her immunity. Instead, he shifts to face her a little bit more, grimacing as his knee moves.

“You've got good instincts, Ellie. You’re smart, you're quick, and for some godforsaken reason, you seem to like traveling.”

Ellie tucks her bowl of cheesy noodles closer to her chest and looks at the TV.

“I think some action in your life could do ya good.”

Ellie hums, and she doesn't look at him. After a few moments of silence, Joel reaches for the remote and turns back on the TV.

As the cowboy in the screen gets into a shoot out, Ellie plans out tomorrow in her head.

First, she'll have to apologize to Jesse. The whole issue with Dina wasn't his fault, and she knows he didn't deserve all her upset. Plus, she's been avoiding the guy for several months, which wasn't very “best friend” of her.

Then she'll need to let Maria know, then get Felix to sign her over, and after a shit ton of conversation and finangling, she’d be lucky to be on patrol by next week.

Part of her is excited, and another part is anxious. Part of her delights in the idea of not having to deal with Abby anymore.

A tiny part of her admits that Lev isn't all that bad to be around, but that part is clouded by guilt from another lifetime, so she ignores it.

“Maybe I'll have Jesse put us on patrol together.” Joel muses, and Ellie huffs.

“Hell no. We make a shit team.” She jokes lightly, and Joel snorts.

“Hey, we were on the road together for nearly two years, and we did just fine.”

“You didn't let me have a gun for the first 6 months of that time.” Ellie points out. Joel shrugs.

“You were 14.”

“You also spent 3 months in a coma.”

“And you kept me alive, ain’t ya?”

“Out of 20 months together, we spent 11 as actual partners.”

“That's almost a year of successful teamwork.” Joel points out with a shrug.

Ellie huffs and she sets down her now empty bowl. After a second of shifting, she rests her head on Joel's shoulder, and Joel wraps an arm over her, giving her a little squeeze.

They watch the rest of the movie in silence, until Ellie's eyelids grow heavy, and she eventually drifts off into sleep.

Chapter Text

She can't sleep- so, at about 4am, she decides she’s going to just wait for Jesse at the patrol station.

She posts up outside on a chair and she leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees and waiting.

Her leg bounces impatiently as she does, and the anxiety curled in her stomach makes her alternate every 10 minutes or so between the alarming feeling of needing to shit her pants and nausea, neither of which are pleasant and both of which make her want to just give up and go home.

As the sun starts to rise on Jackson, Ellie remembers the many, many times Jesse had to come get her from her apartment in the garage, because she overslept or because she willingly ignored her alarm. She's never been a morning person, and for good reason; it's unnerving to be awake this early. It's chilly, even in Summer, it's deathly quiet, and there's a fog that settles in the valley that only proves to make her more nervous. She's constantly scanning for some sign of a horde, or raiders, or some other distant threat. The fog also reminds her of Seattle.

Even on the farm, she had always slept in to avoid the quiet ominous feeling of morning, which Dina used to complain about, but she more than made up for it by always volunteering to get JJ when he would cry in the night.

Ellie starts to wonder if this new baby, this not-JJ, would get as fussy in the middle of the night, and if Dina was going to let anyone else soothe her in the early morning- but her mind is silenced by the crunch of gravel under heavy boots.

“Ellie.”

Jesse sounds surprised, and Ellie cringes a bit, standing.

“Hey.” She says, a little hoarser than she wants it to be, and Jesse frowns.

“You look like shit. Did you sleep?”

Typical Jesse, worrying before she's even gotten through her damn speech. She hasn't seen him, since their fight, and here he is-

“I'm sorry, for yelling at you.” Ellie blurts, and Jesse's eyebrows raise even higher. After a second, he crosses his arms.

“.....Okay?” He says slowly.

“And I'm sorry. For blaming you. For everything.” Her words are coming out in short, clipped sentences, and she wonders at what point her apologies started sounding like Joel's.

Jesse tilts his head. “So do you not blame me, anymore?” He asks finally, examining her.

“Yeah.” Ellie says shortly, stuffing her hands in her pockets and sniffing. “I guess it's not up to you what……Dina chooses to do.”

Jesse nods a few times, slowly, before he snorts. “I ain't mad. Stop acting like a scolded kid.”

She scowls at this, shooting him a glare. “I'm not- fuck you.”

“Ah, the warm words of a friendship restored.” Jesse says dryly, and Ellie turns up the intensity of her glare, to which he chuckles, pulling his ring of keys off his belt.

“Come on, let's get out of the cold.”

Ellie begrudgingly trails after him into the patrol station, taking off her jacket and hanging it up.

“Has Dina come to talk to you? Since?”

Ellie winces and she walks over to the table to sit before she responds, picking at a splinter in the wood. “No.” She finally responds, and Jesse hums.

“Do you want to see her?”

“......no.” Ellie says, after a second, and Jesse nods, grabbing two cups of water from the sink and walking over.

“Fair as hell. Breakups are rough.”

Ellie shrugs mutely, and accepts the water as he hands it to her.

“You could always get back with Cat.” He says, and Ellie gives him a look.

“We broke up like, a week ago.”

“You know Dina. She gets jealous. It's what I do.” He says with a grin, as if it's funny that they've both now dated the same girl. They hadn't talked about it much, in the past 5 months, and the first time around, Jesse had died before she really had the time to explain anything.

The reminder of his death dampens her mood even further.

“I'm just kiddin’- jeez, no need to look so down.”

Ellie stares into her cup for a second, before she hums noncommittally, and takes a drink.

“We could date. Just to fuck with her.” Jesse says casually, and Ellie spits out her water, coughing violently.

Jesse lets out a laugh at that, slapping her back as she wheezes.

“God, that was worth it just to see your face.”

“I'm gonna stab you in your sleep.” Ellie gasps between coughs, eyes watering.

Jesse chuckles, leaning back, holding his cup. “What, am I that ugly?” He teases good-naturedly, and Ellie shakes her head, clearing her throat to get rid of the water logged there.

“Ugliest bitch I've ever seen.” She manages, and Jesse laughs again, and she can't help the tiny smile that she gets as he does.

“Your loss. I'm not into redheads anyway.” Jesse jokes, and she shakes her head.

“I don't think I want to. To- talk to her, I mean.” She says, not looking at him. There's this urge, to confide in him, to find comfort in her friend, and she hesitantly offers the bridge of honesty.

Jesse hums, and the thoughtful look he only uses when he's serious crosses his face. He nods.

“That's fair.” He says gently.

Ellie shrugs a little, not sure what else to say, and Jesse sighs.

“You know…..I knew you had a crush on her. For a while.”

Ellie blinks a few times. “We…..were dating?”

“Before that, dumbass.”

“Oh.” Ellie says, before her cheeks get a bit pink with embarrassment. “Oh.” She repeats, quieter.

“You know, we talked about it a few times, when we were still dating.”

“Dina knew too?” She says, brow furrowing a little more. The embarrassment gets a bit stronger, and she looks at her hands, wondering if it was that obvious.

“I never really cared that much about it, but she would get-” He waves. “She'd get weird, sometimes, about pda and shit, if she knew you were gonna be around. Said it was ‘cruel’.”

“Great. I love being pitied.” She mumbles, sinking into her chair in some hopes that the floor will open up and consume her.

“Shut up. You know it wasn't about that.” He says dryly, but not without some sympathy.

Ellie doesn't say anything, even as Jesse sighs.

“She cares about both of us, you know. I think that's why she's freezing both of us out.” Jesse says, leaning his head into Ellie's line of vision. Ellie turns her head away.

“In her head, by not being close to either of us, she's saving all three of us the- confusion, and hurt, or whatever.”

“That’s stupid.”

“It's more mature than she used to be.” Jesse points out, frowning. “She's tryin’ to make choices that are good for all of us, and not- rushing into some shit, for once.”

Ellie turns over the thought in her mind, and she remembers how much Dina had changed with motherhood. It had suited her, the maturity, the calmness; taking the place of the Dina that acted first and thought later, the Dina of impulse who had so heavily valued her emotions over her logic.

She’d missed that version of Dina, and a large part of her is happy to know that perhaps, it hadn't simply been a reflection of the trauma she had put her through.

“Dina's always been independent.” She says softly, and Jesse seems to relax a bit at her words.

“Yeah.” He agrees. “And I think it's good, for the two of us. I value you one helluva lot, as my friend, and I hated that I was….jealous.”

Ellie remembers the looks Jesse had given her, before he'd died last time. She remembers the quiet anger, the betrayal, the jealousy. He had realized Dina was pregnant immediately upon seeing her, where she hadn't, and every look between them was an accusation of her carelessness, or distrust against her intentions. Like their friendship had been nothing.

She remembers her own jealousy, the anger she'd felt back, this feeling like he'd shown up just to steal from her, just to judge her, and she remembers all too well how that anger had pushed her to be reckless. How that anger probably was a factor in getting him killed, just as much as her lust for revenge.

“Now you know how I felt, for 3 and a half years.” She says quietly, the most hesitant of jokes in her tone, and Jesse huffs, and looks at his hands.

“Yeah. I guess no one alive could understand what she does to me better than you.”

Ellie stares into her water, before she nods, mutely. The words that slip out of her are unintentional.

“I don't deserve her, anyway.”

“Why do you say that?”

Jesse's response is the only thing that alerts her that she thought out loud, and she blanches a bit, looking up at him. He looks curious, and patient.

For the first time in a year or so, since she's started this second chance, she gets the urge to tell someone everything she's been through. She wants so badly to confess it all to Jesse, to get her doubled life off her chest, and he looks so open. She wants nothing more than to tell him everything- how she'd lost Joel, how she'd lost him- and how finally, she'd forsaken Dina, broken her heart, and killed her last chance of redemption in exchange for a revenge she couldn't even bring herself to complete.

But as she opens her mouth to explain, her arm stings, and she thinks of every time she's tried to bare the impossible parts of herself to another person. She thinks about how hard it is, to have someone you trust look at you like you're crazy, and how impossible it is to defend your own sanity as your mouth fills with cotton in the absence of secrets you shouldn't have shared.

She swallows thickly and looks down.

“I chose myself, over her. Too many times.” She says, finally, and she can feel Jesse exhale. Ellie knows he can tell she isn't telling him everything, but he doesn't press.

“Sometimes, we ain't in the right place for relationships and shit.” He says, with a shrug. “We all can be selfish. Even Dina.”

Ellie shakes her head immediately. “All Dina has ever done is give up everything, for me.” She says, her defense a bit fiercer than she intends it to be.

Jesse frowns at that statement, raising an eyebrow. “I'm not really sure I know what you mean.”

Ellie quickly looks away, gripping her glass. “You wouldn't understand.” She says quietly, brow pinched.

Jesse nods slowly. “Does….this have somethin’ to do with that blizzard? A while ago?”

Ellie can feel the heat pressing in- she's danced too close to the truth, and she swallows, shaking her head. “I'm not ready to talk about it.” She says quickly, a well worn excuse she must have used a million times when Joel asks a question that prods too deep.

Jesse stares at her, and the two sit in silence, for a while, before he exhales, and finally shifts in his seat.

“I'm gonna try and move on, from Dina. Actually get over her, for once. I think you should too.”

Ellie stares into her water, and after a second, she nods.

“Yeah.” She agrees quietly. “She……she deserves the freedom.”

Jesse nods. “Yeah. Who knows, with the three of us as just friends again, maybe it'll get way simpler.”

Ellie huffs lightly. “Wouldn't that be somthin’.”

“Oh- and hey, don't, actually get back with Cat. I know there aren't too many, uh, options, for you, but that girl was a whole ass mess.”

“We were just kids, it wasn't her fault.” Ellie says quickly, relieved as the conversation leaves Dina. Jesse shrugs.

“Still.”

Ellie hums and she looks up. “I think, I'm ready to get on patrols again.”

Jesse's eyebrows shoot up again, and he breaks out into a grin. “No shit. Nice.”

“You got space?”

“Hell yeah, we got space. Besides, both Tommy and Joel are slowin’ down, and I'm out Dina, so I need the bodies.”

She nods. “Good. Good.”

“You gotta approve it with Maria, though.” Jesse ads, raising an eyebrow, and Ellie sighs.

“Yeah, go figure.”

“Hey, if you talk to her this morning, I can get you on the afternoon river trail patrol.” He offers, and Ellie sighs.

“Alright, fine. Twist my arm.”

Jesse chuckles and pats her on the back, before he stands. “I'll see you later, Els.”

She stands, grabbing her jacket and giving him a nod and a small salute, before she heads out the door.

Chapter Text

Maria stares at her with narrowed eyes for a good minute before she responds, which makes Ellie doubt she successfully said her request outloud.

She's opening her mouth to repeat herself when Maria holds up her hand. “Why now?” She asks, raising an eyebrow.

Ellie swallows. “I'm…..ready?”

She frowns. “Are you ready to tell me what happened last winter?”

Ellie shifts uncomfortably, looking down. “I'm not- no. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You and Joel choose to be so fuckin’ vague about it.”

“It's nothing important.” Ellie mutters, and Maria snorts.

“You came back a completely different person.” She says flatly. “I see it, in your eyes. In the way you act, nowadays.”

She can feel discomfort crawling under her skin at the comment. It’s not the first sentiment of this nature she's heard, and she hates the reminder that the person she is now is less than, somehow.

Her expression must reflect her self-hatred, because Maria's gaze softens.

“Ellie, I just don’t wanna see you rush into anything. Not when you aren't recovered.”

“I got cleared a long time ago.” Ellie says shortly, and Maria shakes her head.

“Mentally, kid.”

“I'm fine.” Ellie repeats, through her teeth, arms crossing. “I've sat on my ass for enough time. I want to get out there again.”

Maria goes back to her evaluating squint, and Ellie straightens, staring back. It takes a few seconds for Maria to consider before she speaks.

“You could be dangerous, to others, if you're unstable and I let you do this-”

Ellie lets out a groan of frustration, and pushes off the table she's been leaning against. “How many times do I have to tell you?? I am re-”

“You didn't let me finish.” Maria cauts her off loudly, firmly, holding up a finger that stops Ellie.

She grumbles and crosses her arms, feeling like a 14 year old being scolded again. She looks away, focusing on the wallpaper of Maria's office. There’s a horse painting hung there that she examines to keep from glowering directly at the woman.

“I'm going to make Jesse keep you on perimeter trails only, for a while. Only cleared spots.”

Ellie works her jaw. It's not great, but it is better than she expected.

Maria leans back, reguarding her for a second, before she speaks again.

“And you're taking that new girl- Abby- you're taking her with you.”

Ellie's head whips around in alarm. “What???”

“She's your friend, ain’t she?” Maria drawls, and there is a challenge in her eyes, and Ellie can feel her whole body tense up as she grits her teeth.

“Maria-”

“I don't like it when my own people hide things from me.” Maria says evenly. “So- either, you have somethin’ to tell me, or, I'm gonna grant two requests to be put on patrol duty today.”

Ellie steps forward. “You- can't split her up from the kid- uh- Lev!” She insists, scrambling for some excuse. Maria raises an eyebrow.

“The kid asked Felix to stay on, in the stables, but Felix told me that Miss Anderson didn't like the work at all. Maybe she would be better on patrol- it's what she requested, after all.”

“But- you disallowed that group from getting weapons!” Ellie says quickly.

“A position I'd be willing to reconsider if my niece seems to trust these people personally. Unless, of course, you wouldn't feel safe with any one of them backing you up, especially Miss Anderson.”

“Wait- you assigned them to the stables on purpose.” Ellie acuses, glare returning for a second. Maria's even expression doesn’t change.

“I did. I wanted to have you keep an eye on their ring leader, so, she's following you to your next task.”

Ellie grits her teeth, and opens her mouth. Maria's eyebrow quirks as she does, and her expression is one of patience. Ellie thinks about telling her the truth for a second, only for a flash of guilt and the image of the dead, pregnant girl on the floor for her to swallow back the words.

Her mind turns desperately for some other reason.

“She's……my ex……” She says finally, nose wrinkling at her own lie, at the idea of having ever dated Abby Anderson.

Maria stares at her, eyebrow still raised, expression blank as she stares deep into Ellie’s soul.

“Your ex.” She says dryly, and Ellie looks away in hopes that may make it harder to read her expression.

“Yep.” Ellie says, going back to examining the horse painting. She wonders if it was always here, or if Tommy painted it, or something.

“From when you were 14?” Maria asks, and Ellie can hear some flat amusement in her tone, and she can feel her stomach twist as she recognizes that Maria does not believe her.

“Yep.” Ellie repeats, through her teeth.

“You and Joel were in Salt Lake for- maybe two months.”

Ellie tries not to think too hard about Salt Lake, right now. She pushes away the memories of doctors, and needles, and bright examination lights and scans she didn't understand.

She pushes away the feeling of waking up in a car, nauseated, exhausted, and realizing all that pain and stress had been for nothing.

“It was a short relationship.” She says, the lie thick like syrup on her tongue.

Maria is quiet, for a minute, before she sighs.

“Do you think I'm stupid, Els?” She asks, and there is a gentleness, to her tone, that intensifies the turmoil in Ellie.

Ellie frowns, shifting. “I don't.” She says quietly.

“I know somethin’ happened in Salt Lake. Somethin’ that Joel, Tommy, and you are all hidin’ from me.”

“Maria-” Ellie says, tone almost pleading, but Maria ignores her.

“I've let it go, for a long ass while. Tommy doesn't always wanna talk about his past, and I assumed it was somethin’ like that. Hell, for a while, I assumed you didn't know much either.”

Ellie's hand subconsciously covers her twice bitten arm, and the tattoo that healed crooked after the second time of disguising a bite as something else.

A bite she took for Abby , nonetheless.

“But I also remember when you took a horse and ran, around your 17th birthday. And I remember when Joel dragged you back, and I know that's when whatever tore you two apart happened. Again, I minded my business, but I can count days. I damn well know where you went.”

Ellie mutedly shakes her head, and she closes her eyes.

“Talk to me, Ellie. Explain what happened. Whatever it is, I need to know it, as the leader-”

“You don't need to know it.” Ellie finally says, cutting her off, before she looks at her. Maria stops, frowning. The anxiety is enough to send Ellie into a spiral, but she fights to keep stable footing.

“I promise, Maria, it's not a problem. I've taken care of it, and- no one in town is going to get hurt, because of it.”

The phrase "in town" feels like a lie, as she remembers Joel's bloody, beaten face, and the black eye Tommy had gotten from being knocked out.

But she had prevented that. She'd worked so hard to prevent that.

“I'm not trying to keep a secret from you.” Ellie says, a little pleading. “I don't want to keep a secret from- from anyone, not you, or Joel, or Dina, or- or Jesse, but-” She swallows, and she shakes her head. “There are things that you have to keep to yourself, because they are just too fucking hard to explain.”

Maria's intense gaze doesn't leave her for a second, but Ellie's confidence doesn't waver, this time. She pours every ounce of pleading she can, into her eyes, tries to make Maria see her honesty, make Maria trust her, even without the full truth.

Another uncomfortable, long silence passes between them, before Maria's gaze hardens.

“If you won't tell me.” She starts shortly, and Ellie's heart sinks. “Then you two lovebirds better learn to get along again.”

Ellie wants to argue, but Maria turns, grabbing a ring of keys from her desk, and she realizes that the woman's mind is made, and she feels like a cowled little kid, ashamed and embarrassed and doubting suddenly just how much she really wants to patrol.

Maria is marching out the door before Ellie can find any kind of nerve, and she trails behind the aggravated woman as she leaves her home and half-jogs down the steps and onto the street.

She turns, past her and Tommy's flowerbeds, towards the new apartments on Juniper Street, and Ellie stays in her sulking spot, just out of her vision.

A few times, Ellie almost gathers the courage to say something, but every time, the thought of making it somehow worse stops her short.

As Maria keeps walking, greeting every person she passes, Ellie reflects on how lonely it's become, being unable to tell anyone the truth anymore. A secret she had thought would lessen over time only grew with every interaction with someone from her life- compound this new secret with the one she's bore since she was a young teen, and there is a weight that feels constantly present, a new reminder of it on every corner.

She feels someone watching her, and she looks up to find familiar eyes on her.

The gaze is so much less hateful that it takes her a full moment to recognize the lithe woman as she examines her from inside Jackson's storefront-turned-clinic, where she seems to be in conversation with Hugo, the nurse.

As Nora stares at her with a curious, tilted gaze, she remembers chasing her through the hospital. She remembers dragging her into a spore infested area, bearing down on her as she choked on infection and her own dread. She remembers the spite, and the fear, and the horrific pain on her features as she tortured her.

Nora's blood had been hot and sticky, and slippery. Ellie's grip on the pipe she had used to beat her had slipped, several times, as she tried to hit her anywhere that wouldn't scramble her brain, her hands too slick with red. She had no idea what she was doing, but she was so, so angry, and this woman had the audacity to stand between her and her prey. The sounds of it had reminded her of Joel. She was too angry to care at the time, even if the sounds just added to the nightmares in the years afterwards.

Nora, who had originally shown nothing but spite and rage, had crumpled into hopelessness with the pressing, looming dread of infection. She had cried. Sobbed. But she never begged Ellie to stop, just let out weak screams of pain and coughed up blood, the air too thick to really yell properly.

It had gotten to the point in which Ellie was terrified she'd turn, or bleed out before she got any answers, and in that moment, an offhanded threat Joel had made once about popping off kneecaps dropped the slippery pipe from her hands, and made her draw her pocketknife. She'd missed, the first time, and Nora had screamed, spraying blood from her mouth and into Ellie's eyes. She'd tried to shove her off, but she was too weak from the lack of oxygen and the pain and she'd barely even moved Ellie, who was more thrown off by the way the blood in her eyes stained her vision as she tried to blink it away than the woman's resistance.

She'd stabbed again, slower, and managed to catch the gap between cartilage and bone. The sound Nora made was so inhuman, she thought for a split second that she had already turned- but then Nora had said one word.

”Aquarium.” The way she had said it, voice garbled with blood and hoarse from coughing, so full of pain- it rings in Ellie's ears as she struggles to keep walking straight. ”Aquarium.”

”She's in the old aquarium.”

She feels her stomach roll at the memories, and she quickly looks away from Nora, whose eyes remain on her until they've passed out of view.

It takes real focus to keep herself from stumbling, and she can feel her hands shaking. She feels like she's completely coated in sticky, hot blood by the time they've reached the little apartment, eyes fixed on the ground as Maria knocks. She is somehow both numb and in pain, and she doesn't want to be here anymore, she doesn't want this, and god she's gonna throw up-

And then she hears a dog start barking, and after a moment, the door opens.

Chapter Text

Abby's the only one still at the apartment aside from a sleeping Mel when there is a knock at the door. Everyone else has dispersed already to their early shifts- Nora heading off to help at the town's clinic, Manny volunteering for easy work at the food joint in town, and Owen going off to do something with farming that sounded boring as hell.

Lev had departed for his own shift at the stables, which Abby had respectfully declined attending, after finding that her one nice pair of cargo pants now smelled like horse shit. Lev had pouted just a bit when she had informed him of her choice to go elsewhere, but he had reassured her that he would be fine every time she'd asked, so she was only slightly nervous about the seperation.

Alice starts barking as soon as there is a knock, to which Abby quickly snaps her fingers.

“Alice. No.” She says firmly, and Alice falls silent. Abby sends a glance to Mel's bunk, relieved when she sees the woman still sleeping soundly.

Satisfied, she turns to the door and opens it. As the morning light comes streaming in, she sees a flash of brown-red and her eyes shift to where Ellie stands.

She can immediately tell something is wrong. Unlike the usual defiance with which the girl meets her eyes, she sees a slump in her shoulders and a far away, haunted look in her eye that reminds her too sharply of too many soldiers. She doesn't even look at Abby as she stares at her, and it's almost like she doesn't even process that she's there. Her arms are hanging limply at her sides, and as her gaze skims over her slouched figure, she sees her hands are trembling.

“Good morning, Abby.”

The words draw her attention away from Ellie, and she notices Maria, standing there with her hands on her hips, quirking an eyebrow. Behind her in the apartment, Alice growls, and Ellie flinches the smallest amount.

Abby subconsciously closes the door slightly, blocking Alice from Ellie's view.

“Morning.” She says, eyeing them both. “What can I do for you?”

“I heard you didn't want to continue at the stables?” Maria prompts, and Abby keeps herself from looking back at Ellie, who has now folded her arms protectively over her chest. Maria doesn't seem to notice, the girl standing just out of her vision.

“I don't. It's not my kind of thing.” She replies slowly. “Besides, the, uh, guy. Fred…Fiero? He said it was fine.”

Maria suddenly chuckles, at this, shaking her head. “What is it with you people and poor Felix?” She asks the universe, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, right- Felix. Sorry.” Abby corrects quickly.

Maria hums, amused, and shakes her head.

“Well, you told me when you got here that you would be best suited to patrols, or supply runs. That still correct?”

Abby pauses, and she frowns. “I mean. Yeah, eventually. Whenever we're cleared.” She says gruffly.

“Well, good news. Ellie, here, said she'd be willing to take you with her on patrol.”

Abby freezes, and after a second of staring at Maria, she looks back at Ellie.

The scrawny woman rubs a hand down her face, blinking rapidly, and Abby can see her trying to pull herself together. It's a feeling she knows well, and despite everything, she feels the smallest pang of sympathy. Ellie quickly clears her throat and looks towards her, not meeting her gaze.

“Right.” She mumbles, voice quiet and hoarse.

Maria glances over at her, and looks confused for a second, brow pinching, before she faces forward again with an easy smile.

“We’re not quite there with the rest of your group, but I thought we may as well test out those skills of yours.”

“I appreciate the option, ma'am, but-”

“I insist.” Maria cuts her off, evenly. “Plus, it'll give you two a fine amount of time to talk, yeah? Hang out, as the kids say?”

Abby wants to tell Maria where exactly to stick her time, and slam the door in her face, but years of listening to superiors she disagreed with keeps her expression as neutral as it can be. She glances at Ellie one more time, half hoping she'll protest, and get them out of this mess. Ellie hates her, after all. But the look in her eyes tells her she could not be more dissociated from reality.

She's on her own.

“Yes, ma'am.” She says, finally, and Maria waves.

“Quit callin’ me ma'am, kid. I'm not an officer.” She says, slightly amused.

“Yes, m- Maria.”

Maria snorts. “Nice save.” She mutters, before she turns to Ellie. “Take her over to the patrol station. I'll radio Jesse, get him informed.”

With that, Maria turns and walks away, pulling walkie-talkie off her belt, and leaving Ellie and Abby standing awkwardly, 5 feet apart on the apartment porch.

Abby stares at Ellie, and Ellie stares at the ground. After a few seconds, Abby awkwardly clears her throat.

“So.” She says finally, which seems to shake Ellie just a bit from her headspace with a start.

“Come on.” She mumbles, turning.

“Wait! Hold on- I'm not dressed for a patrol. Wait up.” Abby says quickly, turning to go inside before pausing. “Do- you want to wait inside?”

“No.” Ellie says instantly, forcefully, and Abby pauses, taken aback. She stares at her for a few seconds before she clears her throat.

“If- if it's Alice, she's super well trained, I promise she won't, jump, or anything.”

For some reason, this sentence just seems to make Ellie's expression more glazed, and pained, and a bit fearful.

“I don't like dogs.” She asserts quietly, talking a full half step back. For some reason, that sounds like a lie. “I'll wait here.”

“Bad experience?” Abby asks, and for some fucking reason, her voice comes out gentle, which is all wrong. She doesn't care about this bitch, what is she doing?

Ellie seems just as confused as she is, before she mutely nods.

Abby takes a step back. “Okay, hold on- stay just, right there. I'll be right out.” She says, before she quickly dodges inside.

She grabs a jacket, and her belt, so she has a place to put any gun they may give her. She laces up her boots quickly, distantly wondering if she could trade anyone in town for a new pair of thick socks. These ones are wearing thin.

On her way out, she hesitates, for just a second, before she grabs Alice's leash, and quickly hooks it to the dog.

In her mind, she's screaming at herself, but she pushes that away as she opens the door, Alice stepping close to her side.

Ellie looks up as the door opens and immediately flinches back, hand going to her pocket knife.

“You can't take it with you.” Ellie snaps immediately, but there is no venom behind her words, and Abby nods.

“I know, just- she's a good girl.” Abby says quickly, and Ellie opens her mouth to say something.

“Just-” Abby says, cutting her off. “Lev was scared of dogs, too. But she's been great, with him, so- if we're gonna be patrolling together, maybe you should say hi? She won't bark if she knows you.”

Ellie looks from her, to the dog at her side. Alice tilts her head a little, and Abby is very glad that she doesn't growl. She knows that Lev had taken months to adjust to her growling at threats, and even then, he was still warry.

It takes the slender woman a moment to move, before she grits her teeth.

“What am I supposed to do?” She says flatly, voice still quiet.

Abby crouches down beside Alice, patting her back to get her to sit. She holds the leash tight, just in case, before looking up at Ellie.

“Just- let her sniff your hand.”

“Hell no.” Ellie says instantly, stepping back and shoving her hands under her arms for good measure.

Abby doesn't sigh, willing herself to be a bit more patient.

“That's okay- you can also, just, get a tiny bit closer.”

Ellie gives her a look, and Abby blinks back.

“Look- we can also just, not do this right now, and she'll just- keep barking. Which. You seem to hate.” Abby says, starting to feel a bit stupid for attempting to help her.

Ellie stares at her for a full second, assessing something before she makes a frustrated sound and takes a very hesitant step forward, sticking out her hand so slowly it sometimes looks like it's not moving.

Alice's head tilts the other direction as the extremely hesitant girl creeps closer, but she bends her head forward to sniff.

To her effort, the redhead doesn't flinch when Alice's wet nose eventually bumps her hand, taking a few curious sniffs. She does, however, jump a bit when Alice licks her fingers, ears relaxing a bit out of their alert position. Abby grins, despite herself, and pats Alice.

“Good job, strawberry shortcake.” She says, and Ellie frowns deeply at the nickname.

“Don't call me that.” She says quietly, voice starting to regain the slightest strength. Abby huffs.

“Why not?”

“It's a stupid nickname. I'm not even short.”

“Shorter than me.”

“Yeah well.” She says, glaring at Abby. The glare is almost comforting, compared to the vacant look of before. “We can't all be giant freaks of nature.”

“Excuse you, I worked hard to look like this.”

Ellie rolls her eyes and steps away from Alice, making the dog whine a little and shift. Her eyes instantly shift back to her, and Abby steps back.

“Let me just- drop her inside.”

Ellie hums and turns back, and Abby quickly ducks inside. She gives Alice a small pat on the head as she unclips her leash, and the dog pads back over to Mel's bed, laying in front of it. It makes Abby feel a bit comforted, to know she's here to protect her.

She turns around and leaves the apartment, pulling the door closed.

“So. Armory?”

“Patrol station.” Ellie replies, still a bit quiet.

Abby nods to herself, and shoves her hands in her pockets so she doesn't have to figure out what to do with them. Ellie turns and wordlessly starts walking, eyes on the dirt of the road as she goes.

Abby finds herself watching the other woman, for a bit, and her mind drifts to the first time they met. She remembers finding her in the snow, dragged off her horse, wrestling with a clicker.

She'd considered taking the dropped gun and leaving her to her death, for a split second. The idea makes her feel the slightest bit of guilt, now, and there is something distant about that headspace. Part of her blames the WLF, part of her blames Isaac, but deep down, she knows that ruthless part of her has always been there- a whispered voice in the back of her mind that she let guide her for a bit too long.

Distantly, her mind dwells on what would have happened if she hadn't saved Ellie on that day, on what would have happened if the girl hadn't barrelled her way into her plans and destroyed her entire adult life's purpose. She pictures how it would have felt to kill Joel, more out of curiosity than the longing she used to feel, and she pictures what it would have done to the relationships around her.

Mel would hate her, without a doubt. Hell, the only reason thet get along these days is because Abby walked away. Owen….Owen would probably have judged her, and that would have wrecked their relationship beyond belief. Manny and Nora would probably remain unchanged- she knows they've both seen far worse, in their time, and they've always been the steadiest of them all.

She wonders if Ellie had not intervened in Jackson, if she would have gone back for Yara and Lev. She wishes it was a clear answer, and feels a bit of shame that it isn't. She wants to believe that a single action of violence wouldn't have set her on a path where she could turn away from suffering, helpless kids, but she's seen kinder hearts than hers be turned cold by the pain of life and the deed of killing.

“Can you stop thinking so hard? You’re gonna strain yourself.” Ellie says flatly, quietly, which brings Abby back to reality. It takes a second to process her words, and Abby snorts.

“Fuck you.”

“I'm just saying. Your energy is terrible.” Ellie grumbles, and Abby rolls her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I should be making conversation. What's your favorite color?” She says sarcastically, and it's Ellie's turn to roll her eyes.

“Shut up.”

“No wait- let me guess.” She looks her up and down. “It's green.”

Ellie looks surprised, for a half second, before her eyes narrow. “How did you know?”

Abby raises an eyebrow and looks from the girl's green backpack, to her green shirt, to her faded dark green converse.

“Intuition.” She drawls.

Ellie eyes her suspiciously, before she turns towards a solitary building near the wall. Her expression, which had started to relax, stiffens with the sound of laughter through the door, and her steps slow for a second.

“Wait here.” She says, like an order, and Abby instinctively stops, like the good little soldier she is.

“But- don’t I need to, sign in? Get the rundown?”

“No.” Ellie says, and her voice is a bit quieter as she turns her back to Abby and disappears inside.

“Okay, fuck me I guess.” Abby mutters to the air.

The sound of conversation inside draws her attention, and she fights the urge to creep closer, listen in.

The urge wins out after a few seconds, and she creeps onto the porch.

“-come out and meet her.”

“No!”

Ellie's voice is so forceful, it takes Abby back for a second, and she frowns, stepping a little closer to the door.

“No- I-I can handle it.”

“You haven't worked on patrol in what- eight months?”

“It's- I remember everything, there’s no need-”

“Nah, I wanna meet her. People have been saying she's bigger than Adam-”

“She’s really not that buff. They’re all vanity muscles anyway.” Ellie says quickly, and Abby feels a spark of indignation. It's not the first time someone has made that comment, but it still pisses her off a bit.

“Why are you so insistent that I not meet the chick literally standing outside?”

Abby strains her ear to listen- she too is curious about Ellie's odd behavior, and it sounds like she may be at least friends with whoever she's talking to-

“I- I dunno, I just….” She trails off, voice quiet, and there is a pause, before she hears a snort.

“You’re bein’ weird.” The man says, before the door suddenly opens, and Abby takes a quick step back, folding her arms over her chest to try and hide the fact that she was very obviously listening.

The man on the other side, if he notices, doesn't say anything, a tall dude with a messy black mullet and a vaguely smug expression. When he sees her, he smiles, and she catches a glimpse of Ellie behind him going very pale and stepping forward quickly.

“Jesse. You must be Abby.” He says, holding out his hand.

Abby clears her throat, before she nods and takes it. “Yeah. Hi.” She says gruffly, a little awkward.

She could almost swear Ellie flinches when they touch.

Jesse lets go of her hand and waves. “Come on in. I’ll go over y'all's route with ya.”

Abby takes a step inside as he turns away, and she notices Ellie's grip is once again on the knife in her pocket, eyes darting between the two of them oddly. Whatever had her on edge this morning is back just as soon as Abby had thought she'd calmed down a bit, like at any moment Abby's gonna lunge at Jesse and strangle him with her bare hands.

She eyes her back, before she turns.

“So, uh. You, lead the patrols?” Abby asks, trying to keep her voice casual and ending up somewhere in ‘awkward and stilted’.

“Yes ma'am.” Jesse replies as he scans through some papers, pulling out a nearly folded map.

“Hm.”

“Are you thinking I'm a bit young?” Jesse says dryly, glancing back at her. He looks a bit amused.

Abby frowns. “I- no. Not, not at all. Just. You seem like…..one of the, uh. Younger. People. Around here.”

Jesse snorts. “Yeah, we do have an older population than some places.”

“I noticed.”

“Jackson is mostly peaceful. Lotta the older folks would rather not focus so much on fighting and the dangers outside anymore- so, you'll find anything combat has mostly young folks in leadership, these days.”

Abby nods slowly, like that makes sense, but she can't help a small voice in her that comments on that being lazy.

Jesse turns as he unfolds the map. “Speaking of combat, what's your experience?”

She shifts. “I was a Firefly.” She says, and Ellie shifts a bit, which she chooses to ignore. “Then, I joined the Washington Liberation Front.”

“Oh shit, I heard about y'all folks at the WLF. Real military operation, yeah?”

She hums in affirmation, and Jesse huffs.

“Yeah. I get it. I grew up in the Dallas QZ, right before it collapsed.”

Abby remembers Marlene and her dad discussing the Dallas QZ at one point, with Marlene mentioning the ongoing rebellion there. From what she'd heard, it had been bloody.

She vaguely remembers that Manny had been fighting there at one point, and she makes a mental note to ask him about it later.

“That’s rough.” She says, a bit awkwardly, with a nod. Jesse huffs.

“Hey, it was fine. Most people have been through shit like that, right?”

“So, were you a Firefly?” Abby asks, a little abruptly, as she realizes the possibility. Part of her gets a little excited- maybe he knows something more about where folks went after they disbanded-

“Just a civilian, actually.” Jesse replies, and Abby can feel her shoulders slump a bit.

“Oh.”

“My mom used to be FEDRA- she didn’t have a choice, and they were desperate enough to force anyone to be a soldier at that point.”

“Yeah. No. I get it.” Abby says, shrugging a little. “We do what we have to.”

He hums. “How'd you join up with the Fireflies, anyway?” He asks, from what Abby assumes is polite interest and basic conversation courtesy.

“My dad.” Her voice comes out a bit gruffer, and Ellie tenses up a bit more.

“Oh. Nice.” Jesse says, and she can tell he knows better than to pry. He draws out a line on the map with pencil, along a valley that surrounds Jackson. “So, I assume you're pretty confident with your skills.”

Abby nods mutely, and he hums.

“A’ight. Y'all are gonna be on the back woods route today, then. Shouldn’t be anything big out there, Maybe a couple stragglers. Keep an eye out for tracks though, deer have been spotted in the area.”

Abby nods, peering over his shoulder at the map.

“You can take Shimmer and Jester.” He says, mostly towards Ellie, who nods a tiny amount in acknowledgement, still eyeing them both. Abby frowns.

“Wait- horses?” She asks, and Jesse glances over. “I don't- really have any experience, with that, so. Maybe we should go on foot.”

“This trail is 6 miles.” Jesse replies, raising an eyebrow. “You’re gonna want a horse.”

“6 miles isn't horrible.” She says quickly, and he snorts.

“Don't worry. Jester is a total sweetheart, she's great with new riders. Plus- she knows the route, so just let her take you.”

“But-”

“Unless you wanna ride with Ellie on Shimmer, you're gonna have to take the horse.”

Abby's cheeks burn slightly with embarrassment, and she ducks her head to look at the map. “Fine.” She mutters quietly. Jesse nods.

“Great. Ellie-”

“Logbook at the watertower, watch out for activity near the old road mine entrance.” She says dully, like reciting. She is still tense, and Abby shifts away from Jesse- only to see the woman's shoulders relax, slightly.

Jesse nods. “Good. I expect to see you back here by 1.”

Ellie nods, and starts backing towards the exit, like she's unwilling to look away for a second. Abby takes the que to start walking that way too, only for Jesse to clear his throat.

“Oh- and hey, watch out for eachother out there, yeah? Don’t let y'alls drama that I keep hearing about throw you off.” He says, mostly to Ellie, who's eye twitches.

“Did Maria tell you to say that?”

Jesse shrugs. “I'm allowed to be concerned. Now git.”

Ellie hums, and as Abby opens the door for her, she steps out.

Ellie doesn't say anything to her as she starts towards the stables, and Abby trails behind her.

Chapter Text

Abby hasn't ridden many horses in her life, but she is desperate to not look like an idiot, so she says nothing to betray her discomfort when she's handed a backpack with some weapons and the reins of a blue-grey mare.

As she puts a handgun on her belt and pulls on her pack, she looks for Lev, over the shoulder of the woman helping her and Ellie saddle up. She catches a glimpse of him in one of the stalls. He's with some teenager- a bit older than him- with a freckled face and neatly braided cornrows, and he's almost beaming as she laughs at something. She feels a little surge of pride at the sight, and part of her relaxes. At least someone is making friends, she thinks, before she glances at her own companion, who is already pulling a horse she vaguely recognizes by the reins towards the gates.

She has to jog a little, to catch up, to which the lumbering beast of a horse she's holding onto clops behind her.

"Ellie! Slow down." She half-calls, to which Ellie looks back at her, still with the exhausted, empty look in her eyes. So close to actually leaving the compound, Abby starts to wonder for the first time if it's a good idea to go on patrol with someone so obviously off their game- but she pushes the thought away.

"How long is this route?" She asks, catching up to the other woman's side.

"10 miles." Ellie replies tiredly, not looking at her.

Abby nods slowly. "Is it, usually busy?" Her words are a bit awkward, and Ellie gives her a look that's somewhere between unimpressed and bemused.

"Scared of a couple infected?" She asks dryly.

Abby narrows her eyes a little. "It's a reasonable thing to be worried about." She counters.

Ellie rolls her eyes, an action that stirs a tiny, stupid hope in Abby's chest- whatever that means- and she moves her hand to rub her tattoo, absently.

The movement draws Abby's gaze, and she almost kicks herself for forgetting. "Oh right. My bad- it's a reasonable thing for the rest of us to worry about."

Ellie glances over, following her gaze, before she goes a little pale and she shoots Abby a deadly glare. "Keep your voice down." She mutters, eyes darting around to see if anyone heard.

The instant paranoia raises Abby's eyebrow, and she stares at the other girl for a second before the dragging, screeching sounds of the gates being opened shifts her focus.

Ellie seems to shake off the tension in her stance and quickly moves to mount, at which Abby remembers how little time in her life she has spent on horseback and grimaces.

She tries to mimic Ellie's fluid motion, slotting her foot in the stirrup and pulling on the saddle to get up, only for the horse to stumble slightly to the side and for Abby to stumble along with her. She hears Ellie snort, and her cheeks turn pink.

"Do you need-"

"No." Abby snaps defensively, gaining her footing and fixing the saddle with a defiant glare. She steps forward with more determination, grabbing onto the saddle and bringing up her foot.

The sturrup, her foot in place, swings into the side of the horse, giving it a sharp kick that makes it whinny in protest and take several steps away from Abby- who no sooner realizes her foot is stuck before she's being upended onto her back on the muddy ground.

The wind is knocked out of her as she lands on something metal in her pack, and she's dragged a few steps through the mud before she manages to free her foot. The impact sends a ringing in her ears, so it takes a second to register the laughter.

She quickly moves to stand, furiously brushing herself off, feeling her cheeks darken further as she sees Ellie, grinning at her as she gets up.

"Fucking horse." She mutters, which makes Ellie's grin widen.

"Don't blame Jester- it's not her fault you have no idea how to move all that mass." Ellie snipes, eyes suddenly much brighter with humor.

Abby grits her teeth and looks over to see Lev having exited the stables, looking at her with some concern as the stable hand from before grabs the reins to her horse.

"Do you have any riding experience?" The stable hand, an older woman with greying hair, asks Abby, brow raising.

"I- some." Abby says defensively.

The woman looks disbelieving. "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with you taking a horse out on patrol with only some experience." She says, voice intensely serious.

"Look, it's been a second, alright?" Abby snaps. "I'm not gonna-"

"I'm not comfortable with it." The woman repeats, firmer, before she gestures at Ellie. "You two are sharing a saddle."

Ellie's expression goes from delighted to annoyed in five seconds flat.

"What?? Oh- come on, Hellen, I'll keep them alive-"

"Absolutely not." The woman replies firmly, before turning away with Abby's horse. "Have a safe patrol, girls."

"What- Hellen!" Ellie calls after her, before she throws up her hands. "Fuck." She mutters.

Abby rubs her shoulder unhappily, before giving Lev, who's still watching, a thumbs up. He eyes her with some concern, so she turns away.

"Whatever. I can just walk by you." Abby mutters, ego still stinging a bit.

"Good idea. Who doesn't want to walk a smooth ten miles?" Ellie replies sarcastically.

Abby adjusts her backpack and starts marching forward, skin prickling under the gazes of the observers around them, trying to regain some composure in her steely expression.

"Anderson. It's ten miles." Ellie repeats, and Abby hears the clopping of her horse following her.

"I've gone further."

"We are supposed to finish this route in 2 hours."

"Then you better keep up."

She hears Ellie make a sound of annoyance as they pass the threshold of the gates, before there is a horse cutting in front of her, and Ellie puts out her hand, narrowing her eyes.

"Get on the fucking horse, Anderson." She says, annoyed, and Abby is reminded of the first time she met this girl.

She had been covered in blood, wet from the snow. She had a bit of an edge in her eyes that Abby had assumed was leftover from the clicker who had almost killed her. In that second, though, surrounded by infected burying their way out of the snow, Abby had been so relieved she hadn't given a shit about the glare, or the way she had cringed away from her touch as she clung to her hips, trying not to fall off the horse.

She looks so different, now. Her hair has been cut shorter, her face looks a bit more gaunt. There are dark circles under her eyes that weren't as defined, before, and the lighting almost makes it look like there are a few silver hairs among the auburn red. Most notably, though, the resentment in her eyes isn't there anymore, and now all Abby can really register is how green they are. There are bits of blue, by the iris, and for some reason, it's all she can focus on as Ellie Miller stares down at her.

"Any day now." Ellie says, snapping Abby out of her head and she looks away.

"Whatever." She grumbles, before she's grabbing Ellie's arm and slinging another hand over the back of the saddle to pull herself up. This time goes much better, thankfully, and she settles onto the back of the saddle, making sure to put a solid inch between the two of them.

She holds onto the saddle instead of Ellie, and Ellie starts the two of them forward.

The gates creak closed behind them, and Ellie adjusts her grip on the reigns, visibly tense.

They ride in tense, awkward silence for what feels like an eternity. Abby keeps her eyes on the woods around them, as Ellie turns them onto a well worn trail. It's not a bad day, outside- the sun is out, and Abby can see pretty well. She's never really prefered the woods to cities, but even she can admit it's kinda peaceful.

At one point, Ellie adjusts her position on the saddle and frowns, looking back at her. Abby tries to shift further back, and Ellie's confused frown turns unimpressed.

"You're gonna fall off." She remarks.

"God forbid I try to give you space." Abby shoots back.

"If a clicker tries to drag you off the horse, I'm not taking another bite for you." Ellie says, and Abby raises an eyebrow, before glancing back the way they came.

"Weren't you just getting onto me about keeping my voice down?"

Ellie rolls her eyes. "They can't hear me. We're far from the wall."

Abby narrows her eyes a little, and a small bit of old irritation stirs. "Hm."

Ellie gestures. "Scoot up. I'm serious."

"Your backpack is in my way." Abby shoots back, and Ellie rolls her eyes before she pulls off her pack and leans over the side of the horse to clip it to its side. She takes out a gun and slides it into a holster on the saddle, before looking back expectantly.

"Come on. If Shimmer has to go any faster than a walk, I'd rather not have to circle back to pick your ass off the ground."

Abby grits her teeth before she reluctantly slips forward, until her thighs are bumping Ellie's. Ellie turns back around, and Abby shifts around a few times before hesitantly putting her hands on Ellie's hips.

The girl tenses a bit, but keeps her gaze forward.

Abby looks quickly away and clears her throat. "So, no one knows you're immune?" She asks, half from curiosity and half to distract herself.

"Obviously."

"Why is that obvious?"

"Why the fuck would I tell anyone?"

Abby frowns. "How else would you explain the bite?" She says dryly.

"By burning it off before people ask questions." Ellie replies flatly. "Besides, it's not like anyone would believe me."

Abby's nose wrinkles. "What, people don't take litteral proof?"

"Most people would shoot me before I had the chance to explain."

"Your town seems one hell of a lot softer than that." Abby replies with an eye roll.

"Not about infected." Ellie says sharply, seriously.

Abby can't think of a great response to that, so she focuses on the forest. The irritation in her gut festers.

"Why do you care whether people know?" Ellie asks abruptly.

Abby can't help the way her grip tightens a bit on Ellie's hips, and she shrugs, like she doesn't know. She does. She's thought about this more than she would care to admit.

"Seems like a stupid thing to keep to yourself." Abby says vaguely, doing her best to keep her tone cool.

"It's not like telling anyone would change anything." Ellie replies, some bitterness in her tone.

Abby can't help the sharp snort that escapes her, and she sets her jaw. Ellie tenses under her grip.

"What?"

"Nothing." Abby says flatly.

"If you have something to say-"

"Your self pity bullshit makes me wanna strangle you." Abby cuts her off, frustration coming to a boil in her gut.

Ellie sharply turns to look at her. "Excuse me?"

"Boo hoo, you lost your fucking- purpose, or whatever- except you fucking didn't." Abby practically spits, and she knows this conversation is a terrible idea, but she has no idea how to stop herself.

"You have no clue what I've lost." Ellie shoots back, voice dropping in anger.

"No, you know what? I do. And your lot is not as bad as you seem *determined* to think it is." Abby asserts flatly.

Ellie bares her teeth in a snarl. "Fuck you."

"Let's go through it, shall we?" Abby shoots back, baring her own teeth. "Orphan, probably lost some friends. Welcome to being alive. Then, you find out you're immune, you're ready to give your life- and that's ripped away by someone you trusted."

Ellie turns away, knuckles almost white on the reigns.

"But guess what? Joel?" She spits the name. "Still *fucking* alive. You're *welcome*, by the way."

It happens too quickly for Abby to register, but Ellie is suddenly grabbing her by the collar and slapping her.

The slap would not have been bad, had Abby not already been nursing two black eyes. There's not real force behind it, just raw emotion, and Abby has to take a second of reeling to even proces the sting across her face and nose. She blinks, caught between shock and rage, staring at Ellie, who is breathing hard.

Her eyes are filled with barely held back tears, and she almost looks as startled as Abby. She turns around just as fast as she'd turned back, furiously wiping at her face.

Abby has half the mind to throw her off of the horse, but she hears Lev's voice in the back of her head, telling her to breathe, and she forces herself to calm down.

The silence between them is so tense and strained, that Abby is almost choking on it. It goes against everything in her to break it, but she forces herself to speak.

"It pisses me off that you just- gave up, on helping to find a cure. And then you act like- like you are the victim, here."

"No one else is trying to find a cure." Ellie replies sharply.

"We weren't looking for a cure either, until we heard about you." Abby points out, frustration quiet in her voice.

Ellie tenses, and she opens and closes her mouth.

Abby realizes, after a second, that the other woman must've not thought about this. She can practically see the gears turning behind her eyes- but before Ellie can seem to find the words, a distant shriek in the woods sets them both on edge, both reaching for their guns.

It seems, Abby thinks, this conversation is gonna have to wait.

Chapter Text

They get to a small outcropping of trees before Ellie hops off the horse and starts tying the animal to a tree, pulling free a rifle from her backpack as she slings it onto her back. Abby slides off the horse herself- thankfully, dismounting is much easier for her- and she draws a handgun and the knife from her boot, holding them both firmly.

Ellie raises her eyebrow, slightly, when Abby pulls the knife from its hiding place, but she doesn't say anything, gaze turning back to the task at hand.

There are a few cabins, poking through the trees, overgrown with vines in the auburn summer light. There are broken fences, and weed-riddled gravel roads between them. It's picturesque, in a way things seldom were in the cities Abby's lived in, but she's hardly focused on the view as she scans the windows for movement.

Abby is surprised, as she moves, to find Ellie in perfect sync beside her. She's gotten used to Lev trailing behind her, or Owen separating off on his own, so her presence, close in-step, is very different.

She raises her gun to half point forward, eyes still scanning the silent scene.

They approach one of the buildings, to the side, before Ellie pauses. Abby stops right beside her and is surprised for a moment by her own willingness to listen to the woman's ques- but when they hear a shriek from inside, she's grateful for it.

Her gaze flicks over the building, examining, strategizing, before she notices a path, leading to the back door. She looks over at Ellie, who is still watching intently, and lightly taps her foot against the girl's converse.

Ellie glances over, and they lock eyes as Abby gestures to the path silently, then herself, then to Ellie and the front door.

Ellie nods, silently, and Abby turns to creep forward on her own path, careful to be quiet on the gravel. She hears another screech, from inside, and then some shuffling and soft moaning.

One clicker, one runner, she thinks to herself as she steps towards the back door.

Thankfully, the cabin is small, with a straight shot hallway from the front to the back, and she can see Ellie waiting silently by the front door.

Ellie locks eyes with her and holds up her hand in a “wait” gesture. Abby obliges, patient. After a second, the clicker suddenly appears, from one of the doors in the hallway, limping. It's jerky, twitching movements stop at the doorway, and it shrieks again, head whipping from side to side.

Abby thinks for a second that she could rush it- quickly take it out with her knife- but she waves the thought away, instead paying close attention to Ellie's lead. The other girl is waiting, though she's not sure what for.

She shifts just slightly as the clicker turns towards her and starts taking jerky steps down the hallway in her direction. No matter how many infected she's faced over the years, she still feels a bit of ice run down her spine as it approaches. Her brain has to remind itself that it can't see her.

Then, just behind it, Abby spots what Ellie was waiting for. Its the runner, crouched in one of the rooms, not visible until now- closer to Ellie than to her. Ellie seems to spot it too, and she catches Abby's gaze to give a single nod. Abby nods back.

Abby is very careful opening the old screen door, and she is very grateful that it doesn't creak. The clicker doesn't react, turning away from her and towards a closed door in the hall. She creeps forward, shifting her grip to hold her knife a bit more firmly, carefully holstering her gun. She sees Ellie moving in sync, out of the corner of her eye, nimbly avoiding the cracks in the hardwood floors and creeping up to where the runner crouches.

Then, in unison, they both strike. Abby grabs the clicker from behind, quickly, firmly, hoisting it back and slamming her blade into its throat before it can scream. It struggles for a second, with the surprising force that comes from the later stage of infection, before she twists the knife and it sags. She hears quiet scuffling as Ellie does the same to her quarry, and she waits until it stops to lower the infected to the ground.

She sees Ellie, in the room down the hall, standing and looking over towards her. There is a faint, satisfied gleam in her eyes, and Abby shifts forward, opening her mouth- only to be cut off by more scuffling behind a closed door, right next to her.

She immediately closes her mouth, and Ellie is by her side in a half second, like some kind of ninja.

She glances at Ellie and mouths a countdown, which Ellie watches with careful attention, her hand wrapping around the door knob.

She mouths “one”- and they spring into action together. Ellie pulls open the door and Abby surges forward, finding the runner in the room in a second. It turns and makes a horrible, gasping sound before Abby grapples it, pulling it up against her chest, facing Ellie. Ellie is in front of them in a flash, drawing her pocket knife and stabbing the runner in the neck.

It only struggles for a second before it goes limp, and Abby lowers it to the floor, standing and stretching her arms. Ellie closes her pocket knife and slips it into her pocket.

“Good job.” Abby says, after a second.

Ellie glances over, and the pride in her eyes and the slight smile on her lips falters before she quickly looks away. “Let's sweep the other buildings.” She says gruffly, before turning.

The reaction confuses Abby, but she shrugs the feeling off and follows, drawing her gun again and stepping behind her.

There are a few more infected- stragglers, four runners- that they find in the next cabin. They take them out smoothly, and Abby has the dangerous thought that this is going better than any sweep she's ever done with anyone. She pushes that down. They're probably just lucky, today.

Of course, it's too smooth to last, because as she lines up in sight of Ellie at the third cabin, she steps slightly wrong, causing a board on the back porch to creak. Immediately, there's a runner slamming its way towards the screen door, and she is forced to fire a round into its head, cringing at the sound as it rings through the woods.

Both her and Ellie freeze, holding their breath.

In the tense silence, Abby looks down at the runner, and is surprised by how newly infected she looks. The bite, on her neck, looks like it's had barely any time to spread, and her clothes look relatively fresh, aside from bloodstains on her knees. Her hair is in a bun, and even with a bullet in her skull, it's still neat. She looks away quickly, towards Ellie.

They both stand there, for a few more seconds, before Ellie seems to hesitantly force herself to relax. She moves to open the door, and Abby sidesteps the infected to do the same.

“I think that's the last of them.” Abby says quietly, and Ellie frowns a little, before she moves to the doorway the woman had sprung from.

Ellie stares into the room for a second, and her expression falls eerily blank. Abby frowns, and moves to stand beside her, guard still up.

There is a lot of blood, and Abby almost readies herself for a fight before she processes what she is actually seeing.

Laid on the ground, side by side, there are two small bodies. Children. Their faces are covered with a tattered sheet, but the bloodstains on the fabric tell her all she needs to know about what she would find underneath. The blood on the ground has been disturbed, like someone was kneeling by the bodies, and there are three packs, set neatly in a corner.

From the smell, or lack of it, the bodies seem fresh.

Ellie moves first, quietly stepping towards the old bed shoved into a corner of the room. Abby follows her gaze and sees a paper, discarded on the floor beside it. Ellie bends down and carefully picks it up, her eyes scanning it.

“What does it say?” Abby asks, but her voice comes out a bit hoarser than she intends it to, and she clears her throat, turning so she's not looking towards the kids on the ground, anymore.

Ellie's expression doesn't change much, as she reads, but Abby can see her shoulders start to tighten, the only indication of the woman's feelings. She finishes reading and she swallows, eyes closing for a second as she takes a deep breath and holds the paper out to Abby.

Abby almost doesn't take it, but her grim curiosity wins after a moment, and she carefully pulls the paper from Ellie's outstretched fingers, and reads. The handwriting is messy, scrawled in a rush.

“To whoever finds us, please bury me with my children.” She reads aloud, voice quiet. “I can't bear the thought of them being alone-” She cuts herself off, clearing her throat and dropping the paper, letting it hang loosely by her side.

They stand in silence for a second, before Ellie shifts, looking at Abby.

Her gaze doesn't meet her eyes, staring at the paper in her hands. Abby stares back at her for a second, before she pulls herself together and she holds the paper back up, setting her jaw and steeling herself.

“I can't bear the thought of them being alone to suffer in this world. It's my fault we're dead. I thought we could find a better life out here, but I was stupid to travel into the woods with two kids and a half loaded gun.” She takes a second to swallow. Her throat feels dry. Ellie stands there, staring at the ground, unmoving.

“They both went in their sleep. I made sure they didn't see it coming. It's the only mercy I could offer them. I wasn't going to let them see me turn into one of those things, or make them survive without me.” Her voice is getting hoarser, and she has to clear her throat again, to continue. “There is no hope in this world, anyway. Nothing is ever going to get better. I'm saving them from years of hardship, and a painful, gruesome death.”

Ellie shifts, finally, moving to the packs on the other side of the room. She crouches by them, and Abby can see her trying to make herself busy, but really just adjusting her gun in its holster, over and over. She looks back at the note, and scans the rest before she folds it and shoves it in her pocket.

“You okay?” She asks Ellie, and Ellie shrugs wordlessly.

“We need to burn the infected.” She says. Her voice is a bit rough, like Abby's. “Put those vanity muscles to work and go start dragging out the bodies.” She orders.

Abby hesitates for a second, before she takes a step back, retreating. It's not like she's good at comforting people, anyway.

Chapter Text

It takes a while to get all of the bodies into the pile. Ellie collects wood as she does, disappearing into the woods and coming back every few minutes, and the ordeal gives Abby plenty of time to zone out.

The bodies don't gross her out nearly as much as the horse stables, which makes Abby snort a little. It's not as if she has more experience with corpses than horses- especially not infected corpses. The fireflies had always left the infected they killed behind, and the wolves tended to scrape bodies out of the streets and walkways with these huge trucks that everyone called Reapers. Neither way had been a very hands-on method, and part of Abby questions why this is even necessary, especially when she goes to pick up the clicker and part of it's jaw falls off as she carefully slings it over her shoulder. The thunk of it hitting the ground startles the shit out of her.

She's glad Ellie doesn't see the way she jumps, before she kicks herself for giving a shit what Miller thinks. Of course she's not scared of infected. What would she have to be scared of?

As she drops that body into the pile, she hears scraping, and sees Ellie, struggling slightly to drag a body herself. She almost asks what she's doing, before she sees the bloodied knees of the corpse’s jeans. The sight sobers her slightly, and she frowns as Ellie brings the corpse to the pile.

“I thought we were burying her.” She says, and Ellie starts slightly at the sound of her voice, looking over before she looks back forward.

“If we bury infected, it gives the cordyceps a place to grow. Make spores.” Ellie says tightly, shifting away from the body and wiping her hands off on her jeans. Abby frowns.

“That only happens if the fungus survives the host's death.” She points out.

“Do you want to take that risk?” Ellie asks, a little sharply, and Abby frowns at her. They stand there for a second, Ellie avoiding Abby's eyes, before Abby sighs. She turns to the pile and starts pulling off some of the wood.

It takes a second for Ellie to actually ask, but Abby can feel her eyes boring into the back of her head.

“What are you doing?”

“I'm making a seperate pyre.”

She can basically feel Ellie's confusion. “What? Why?”

“So we can burn her with the kids. She wanted to be buried together.” Abby says. She finds she doesn't really have any desire to harshen her tone, setting up the sticks. Ellie is silent, still staring, as Abby struggles to mimic the sort of pyre pattern she saw Ellie making around the pile, a few sticks rolling off of her as she tries to assemble them.

She doesn't hear the other woman's footsteps, so it startles her a bit when her shoulder brushes against her side, warm and steady as Ellie kneels next to her. She looks over, confused, as Ellie takes the sticks from her hands. She opens her mouth to argue, to defend her choice, but Ellie, to her surprise, doesn't take the sticks away. She begins arranging them carefully, deftly, as she had with the other pile.

After a second of staring, Abby starts to mimic what Ellie does, and she notices her slow down, just slightly, so Abby can see more clearly the way she weaves together the branches. Her bundles are clumsier than Ellie's, but the two of them still make quick work, before Ellie stands and starts back towards the third cabin. It takes Abby a second to follow, steeling her nerves, but she does.

As she enters, she finds Ellie crouched between the kids, using her knife to carefully cut the bed sheet over their heads in half. She is grateful for the move. She doesn't think she has the stomach to uncover them, and she knows that even she couldn't carry them both at once.

As soon as Ellie is finished, she adjusts the sheet to cover the first kid a little more, before she gently scoops them up. They're lighter than she expected, which makes her stomach drop a bit. She turns to Ellie, who steps half forward, and Abby is once again grateful that they don't need to exchange any words to be on the same page.

She carefully puts the kid in Ellie's arms, hesitating for a second to make sure Ellie doesn't stumble with the weight. Ellie strains a small amount, but adjusts quickly- so Abby steps back and scoops up the second child, carefull.

They walk in solemn silence back to the pyre, and Abby sets her kid down before taking Ellie's and doing the same, one on each side of the mother. As soon as her hands are free, the redhead starts adjusting the bodies and adding more sticks, and Abby steps back.

Ellie pulls a lighter from her pocket and lights the smaller pyre first, before turning to the pile of infected and lighting that one, too. Abby takes a few steps back to watch the burn, and Ellie joins her, after a second.

The two of them stay quiet as they watch the fire spread, quickly consuming both sets of bodies. Abby's seen pyres before, but it still surprises her how quickly the flame catches, little hissing and sizzling sounds becoming a symphony with the pops and crackles of the flames.

“It won't spread to the forest, will it?” Abby asks, after a second, breaking the silence, and Ellie glances over, before she looks forward and shakes her head.

“It was hard to find enough dry wood.” She says quietly. Abby almost doesn't hear her, over the sound of the flames.

Abby swallows, and nods, her eyes drifting to the smaller pyre. She's lost sight of the bodies in the flame and the smoke, but she watches anyway. She's distantly aware of the time, of the sun starting to creep in the sky above them.

“Can we stay, to make sure it doesn't?” Abby asks, finally.

Ellie is quiet for a moment, then, she hums. “Just to make sure.” She agrees softly.

Abby nods.

Neither of them admit that it's not about the fire but rather about a feeling, like this moment needs to be witnessed. Abby is once again glad that neither of them have to explain.

Chapter Text

The fire is in smoldering ashes when they get back on the horse. The silence between them persists, and Ellie is gratefull for it.

The words of the note stick in her head on repeat. Nothing is ever going to get better, Abby's voice says in her mind, calmly, matter of fact. The detatched tone she read with only makes the words hit harder, the hopelessness ringing in her ears.

Nothing is ever going to get better , her brain mocks with Abby's voice, and she's thinking about sitting in ocean water, crying into a hand that's missing fingers. She's walking into a house that's empty asside from her possessions, not even the sheep left behind to meet her. She's staring hopelessly at Dina as the realization that she's changed too much sinks deep into her bones, and her hope dies.

“Hey, strawberry shortcake. Eyes on the road.”

Abby's voice shocks her out of it, and she adjusts her grip on Shimmer's reigns to pull her away from the brush they had started to veer towards.

“You good?” Abby asks as she leans forward a little in the saddle. The warmth of her breath touches the side of Ellie's neck, and Ellie turns her head away, rolling her neck slightly to brush away the feeling.

“I'm fine. Just thinking.”

“You're doing that a lot, today.” Abby comments, and if Ellie didn't know better, she could almost sound concerned.

“Today is just one of those days.” Ellie says shortly.

“Any reason why?”

Ellie doesn't respond, setting her jaw. She doesn't exactly want to have a conversation with Abby Anderson. Maybe if she ignores her, she'll stop trying.

“Is iiiiit….me?” Abby goads, after a second.

Ellie snorts. “Don't flatter yourself.” She says dryly.

“Hey, I have plenty of days where I think about you.” Abby counters. Ellie's nose wrinkles.

“Gee, I'm so lucky.”

“What can I say? You've left an impact on my life.” Abby replies, just as dry as Ellie.

“Yeah? Well I've got plenty of stuff going on outside of you.” Ellie shoots back, sharply.

Abby is quiet behind her for a second, before she hums. “I can see that.”

Ellie rolls her shoulder and focuses on the road intently, pushing away her thoughts. It doesn't help. There is a feeling, like a yawning pit in her chest, and she feels like she's being slowly suffocated by her own hopelessness.

“It helps to talk about these things, you know.” Abby comments, and Ellie has to resist the urge to slap her again.

“Can you just stop talking?”

“No. Because something is clearly bothering you.”

“Why do you care, Anderson?” Ellie bites out. “I'd think you'd be happy to see me suffer.”

She can feel Abby's grip tighten, on her hips, before it relaxes, one hand withdrawing. The woman takes a deep breath, then another.

“The fuck are you doing?” Ellie says, looking behind her. Abby is rubbing her face.

“I'm working on managing my frustration before I throw you off this horse.” She mutters.

Ellie feels a spark of indignation. “What happened to you pretending to care about my feelings?” She accuses, and Abby's steel grey eyes open and fix on her, annoyed.

“I can both have a desire to help, and the desire to throw you off this horse.” Abby says dryly. “You're being a dick.”

“You-” Ellie turns around, her own annoyance spiking up. “I'm not being a dick.”

“Yeah? Look, you not liking me doesn't automatically mean that I'm a monster.”

“I didn't say you were a monster.” Ellie replies indignantly.

“You said I would be happy to see you suffer.” Abby says dryly.

Ellie opens and shuts her mouth, before looking forward, and locking her jaw stubbornly.

“Does this usually work for you?”

Ellie's eye twitches. “Does what work?”

“Being an asshole until people back off.”

Ellie can feel a bit of embaressment creep into her cheeks and she stares forward. “That's not what I'm doing.”

“No wonder you have no friends.” Abby mutters.

Ellie feels a spike of anger. “I have friends!” She defends sharply.

“Oh, right. Let's list ‘em, then- your ex girlfriend aaaand- your dad. Am I getting everyone?”

“Fuck you. I have other friends.” Ellie snaps.

“List them.”

Ellie blinks a few times, still glowering into the woods. “I- Jesse is my friend.” She says finally.

“And?”

Ellie grinds her teeth, keeping her eyes forward.

“Is that it?” Abby prompts, again, and Ellie narrows her eyes at the ground.

“Fuck you.”

“Yeah, that's what I thought.”

Ellie stumbles over her words for a second, before she snorts harshly. “Oh, shut up- as if you're doing better.” Ellie shoots back.

“By my count, I have five friends. Catch up, shortcake.”

“Fucking- Felix.” Ellie defends. She has no idea why she's even engaging with this conversation.

“The stables guy?”

“Yep. Four friends. Fuck you.”

“What's Felix's favorite color?” Abby asks dryly. She sounds amused, which just makes Ellie angrier.

“What's Nora's favorite color?”

“Red.” Abby replies instantly, smugly.

Ellie opens her mouth for a sharp retort, but her mind is quickly derailed with thoughts of Nora's bloody face, bathed in red light as she beat her- and bile replaces the words in her throat. She looks forward to try and hide the way the memories take the wind out of her.

“Three friends. And one of them is your dad, so.” Abby says, and Ellie just keeps her eyes forward, trying to take her mind off of it all but trying to name the plant species she sees in the underbrush.

The silence lasts a bit longer, and Ellie feels Abby shift.

“What's….wrong?” She asks, and Ellie doesn't reply. “It's- fine, that you have three friends. I'm just teasing.”

“Yeah.” Ellie replies. Her voice is hollow. She hates how quickly the pit pulls her back in, every time.

Nothing is ever-

“I think a lot about Lev's sister.” Abby announces. The words come out rushed, like a confession.

The words, at the very least, are enough to startle Ellie back into reality. It seems like a personal statement, and for a second, she just struggles to understand why Abby would share it with her, of all people. She frowns, glancing down.

“The kid has a sister?” She asks, after a second. She almost forces herself not to ask, but the curiosity gets the better of her.

“Had.” Abby corrects, voice tight.

Ellie blinks. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Abby clears her throat. “She, was killed by the WLF. I was….I was right behind her. So was Lev.”

Ellie doesn't know what to say to that. She feels like she should say something, but her mind is just, blank.

“She was really sweet.” Abby says. “Fierce. She'd- just survived having her arm taken off, too. We worked, really hard, to get her supplies. The whole group of us. She's the whole reason we went against the WLF in the first place.” She swallows, and exhales. “She was only 16.”

Ellie frowns, and her mind drifts back to Seattle, to the wolves talking about Abby going AWOL. She'd never really wondered why- and such a small fact shifts her entire perspective of those events.

In her mind, Abby was this irredeemable villian, turning against her own group simply because of how horrible and awful she was. The image of Abby breaking away to protect some kid-

Ellie shakes her head a little, almost to get rid of the thoughts.

“So anyways, now I've been vulnerable. Your turn.” Abby says quickly.

Ellie makes a face. “What? That's not how this works.”

“Yes it is. Whenever Lev shares something, I have to share something back. It helps process things, or whatever.”

“I'm not Lev.” Ellie points out stubbornly.

Abby hums, and Ellie can feel her expectant gaze, nonetheless. She shifts, uncomfortable and annoyed.

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“I think that means you should talk about it more.”

Ellie grits her teeth, and she sighs. “Fine. If I share something, will you shut up the rest of the ride?” She says flatly.

“Sure.” Abby agrees instantly, almost too quickly.

It's only at this point that Ellie realizes she actually has to share something, and her brain scrambles for some sanitized bit of trauma that she could explain quickly, to get this over with. Her mind defaults back to red.

“I'm- off, today, because I was reminded of something I did that- sucked. And it keeps, popping into my head.” She says finally. Her words are jerky, and forced.

Abby pauses, before she hums. “......alright. We all do things we're not proud of.” She offers. She seems to be making an attempt of patience.

Ellie snorts. “Whatever.” She mutters. “Now we can be quiet.”

Abby seems a bit dissatisfied, behind her, but she obliges, falling into silence. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't keep prying.

Ellie has no reason to share anything else.

“I tortured- someone.”

The words slip out. Ellie doesn't fully understand why.

Abby doesn't seem judgemental. She doesn't freeze up, or even laugh it off. Part of Ellie wonders if it's because she can relate- though without Joel, she hadn't really considered that Abby may have still done something of similar calliber to someone else.

“Why?” Abby asks, lightly. Her voice is soft, like it was before, with the dog. Part of Ellie resents it, and is indignant at the kindness.

A different part of her feels drawn to the softness, like a starving man to a crumb. She tries to squash that part back.

“She had information that I needed. I was looking for her friend.” She says.

It feels like the words should be harder to get out, but instead it's the opposite- like she's standing with her back pinned to a door as the confessions try to force their way out.

“We fell into this- part, of the building, that was full of spores.” Ellie says, the memory thick on her tounge. “She could barely breathe. I watched- I watched as the hope just……drained out of her, and I kept hitting her. Over….and over.”

Abby's hands feel heavy, on her hips. She can't tell if her grip has tightened, or if she's just more aware of her body, now. Everything aches.

She realizes she's never talked about this out loud, not even with Dina.

“I tried to pry off her kneecap.” Ellie admits, voice barely above a murmur. The words taste like Nora's blood.

The silence is heavy, but she can feel Abby's presence, constant behind her. She feels closer to her in the saddle, warm, and Ellie is so tired that she almost sinks back into the warmth. The exhaustion feels like she's been carrying a backpack full of bricks for miles and miles.

Then, a hand shifts off of her hip, and hesitantly rests on her arm. Ellie is too exhausted in that moment to brush it off, and she hates that fact that she quite nearly leans into it.

“I get it.” Abby says, and her voice is somehow even softer than it was before. The sentance is vague, but filled with understanding. It's such a simple fucking sentiment, and it absolutely shouldn't make anything better.

And yet, for a second, Ellie can feel the slightest bit of the weight lift.