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Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2011-08-23
Words:
343
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
2
Kudos:
21
Bookmarks:
1
Hits:
312

You've got to go "Owww"

Summary:

Grytpype consoles Moriarty after the failure of their latest scheme. It involves nudity, and a suitcase (the consoling, not the scheme).

Notes:

I might be a bit mad, writing slash for a 1950s radio program, but hey – the actual authors repeatedly called Grytpype 'homosexual' in The Goon Show Scripts book, so it's really them who gave me the idea.
'SFX', of course, means 'sound effects'.

Disclaimer: Hercules Grytype-Thynne and Count Jim Moriarty are owned by Spike Milligan and the BBC. I’ve just hijacked them. Ahoy!

Work Text:

SFX: [long descending whistle, followed by a crash]

MORIARTY

Grytpype – the money! It’s fallen out of the plane!

GRYTPYPE

Quick, change into reverse!

SFX: [creaking sound, as of something being pulled taut]

GRYTPYPE

Oh, it’s no use – it’s fallen into the grounds of the BBC headquarters, we’ll never get it back now. Look, they’re already snapping it up, the craven fools.

MORIARTY

Oh no no! Owwww! All that lovely money-money-money, lost, gone forever, sapristi nyukoo! OWW!! Oww ow oww.

GRYTPYPE

There now, Moriarty. Don’t cry.

SFX: [bubbles popping]

MORIARTY

Too late. My tears are exploding all over the windscreen.

GRYTPYPE

I’ll clean it off.

SFX: [squeaking]

MORIARTY

That’s my arm!

GRYTPYPE

Oh I’m sorry, I thought it was the sponge. Now, let me dry your filthy face with my filthy handkerchief. There. That’s better. Now listen to me, Moriarty, there’s more money to be had wherever there are Charlies. And we know where to find Charlies, don’t we?

MORIARTY

Ohh-oh-ho-ho-ho! You mean - ?

GRYTPYPE

That’s right. England.

MORIARTY

Does this mean we can afford that honeymoon you promised me?

GRYTPYPE

I believe so.

BOTH (singing)

April in Paris...

GRYTPYPE

Now, my steaming count, it’s time to get you out of those clothes.

MORIARTY

Why?

GRYTPYPE

They’re mine. Now off with them!

SFX: [heavy metal clunking sound]
[chains rattling]
[high-pitched TING sound, three times]

GRYTPYPE

And the leather trilby!

SFX: [chickens clucking]

MORIARTY

I wondered where my dinner had got to.

GRYTPYPE

And the steel-reinforced tartan shin-guards.

SFX: [CLANG, CLANG... CLANG.]

GRYTPYPE:

I didn’t know you had three legs, Moriarty.

MORIARTY

One of them’s a spare. I only get it out on Tuesdays, to keep it in good working order you see.

GRYTPYPE

Well take it off, don’t want it getting in the way.

SFX: [wooden clunk]

GRYTPYPE

Well done. Now here’s your suitcase.

MORIARTY

But – Grytpype!

GRYTPYPE

Hurry up and jump in.

MORIARTY

It’s not even dark yet - !

GRYTPYPE (sweetly)

And I’ll be right with you in a moment.

MORIARTY (with comprehension)

…Owwww.

GRYTPYPE (suggestively)

Oww.

MORIARTY

You’ve got to go ‘owww’!

BOTH

Owww!!