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From Dr Sally Sparrow:

The lovely Olivie Blake had the marvellous idea that we should write one another letters, as Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, exploring their bromantic history.

Herewith, HP to DM.

Malfoy,

I’m sure Hermione’s already told you because she doesn’t seem to trust me AT ALL where you’re concerned, but I’m taking Ron to the Arsenal-Chelsea match this Saturday and when she found out that I had extra tickets she for some reason decided that I should invite you.

Believe me, I can feel you sneering from here, but I’ve got exams in two weeks and I could really do without her giving me the silent treatment right now, so for both our sakes just come along would you? There’s a fourth ticket so you can bring Nott if you absolutely must. I’m sure the experience will be equally painful for all of us, but there will be alcohol and I managed to get decent seats so it shouldn’t be overly horrifying.

- HP

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Potter,

Absolutely not. I would rather be strung up by my ankles and eaten alive by Cornish Pixies whilst listening to Weasley perform a medley of Celestina Warbeck’s greatest hits.

In the event I may be overestimating your proclivity for subtlety, apologies for my lack of clarity: that’s a hard no.

DM

Potter,

Granger has informed me that under no uncertain terms am I to refuse your sad attempt at bonding hospitality, and as a result, I have no choice but to graciously accept your invitation. While Granger has assured me that you and the Weasel Weasley will be sufficient company, I would be a fool not to forcefully expose bring Theo along for what is sure to be a lasting overall trauma  wonderful bonding opportunity for us all. 

Care to make a wager on the outcome? 10 galleons on whoever you want to win losing painfully and to great embarrassment for all, especially you.

- DM

p.s. Hi Harry! Just looked over Draco’s note and wanted to add a little postscript to say hi. He is so looking forward to the event! Sending my love to you and Ron! xo, Hermione

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Two letters to the Granger-Malfoy household…

Hermione,

Been sharing some fun bedtime stories lately, have we?

Love always, H

Ferret Malfoy,

I don’t care if it was 2-1 or 20-1, it doesn’t count if the Keeper has been fucking confunded and I’m not paying you. Hex me all you bloody like, this is a matter of principal.

Tell Nott that he owes Ron a new pair of shoes, and that anyone with half a brain knows not to get into a drinking competition with a Weasley. Especially if they’ve never actually tried muggle beer before.

Come to think of it, I seem to remember we had ten galleons riding on that as well? You can pay me whenever you’re ready mate, I know you’re good for it.

Look, it pains me to ask you this, especially since I now have evidence that you’re a dirty cheat, but Seamus has managed to put himself in St Mungo’s again and so our five-a-side team are down a chaser. Believe me, I wouldn’t ask unless I was desperate, but are you free tomorrow evening, 7-9ish? 

- HP

PS: HERMIONE YOU’VE GOT TO MAKE DRACO TELL ME HOW HE DID THAT TO HARRY’S HAIR, IT WAS AMAZING – G XXX

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Potty,

How dare you think for even one moment that Theo and I would be anything but overjoyed to contribute to the criminally lacking Weasley Shoe Fund. Granger has been encouraging me to do more charity work, and I’m inclined to give it a try. I hear philanthropy is good for the complexion, though I’m sure we’re all in agreement that I don’t need the help. She is certainly satisfied with the merchandise, as I’ll be sure to remind Weasley in the card.

My rather informed estimation would be that your team’s more pressing issue is its lack of a qualified Seeker, but I suppose I can spare a moment to further my charitable endeavors by providing the necessary talent that it so unquestionably lacks. And the necessary hair products as well, though I hope you’ve managed to wrangle yours into submission. Or not. I’d be lying if I said green wasn’t your color. “Green as a fresh pickled toad” is actually the exact shade, if you’re looking to replicate the effect. (Credit to the lady of the house for the inspiration; I am nothing if not a gracious man.)

7 it is, though I hope your chosen facilities are adequate. My goodness, with all this community service, I shall be well on my way to receiving an award. 

- DM

Ginny and Harry,

I’ve just seen Draco grinning wickedly as our owl flew away, and I fear the worst. Please ignore every word he says.

Love to you both,

Hermione

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Drakey-poo,

An award? Are you actually kidding me? Order of Merlin first-fucking-class for services to the institution of total bloody pratdom, maybe. Why don’t you “award” your broom up your smug arse you wanker . We’d have won last night if you hadn’t insisted on showing off, and where did it get you you tit ?

This is your problem, Malfoy, you’ve got no concept of teamwork. Which is a shame, because you’re actually a decent not a terrible flier. Anyway, in spite of your obvious commitment to creative fouling, George said to ask if you can play with us until Seamus is released. I’m not sure how long it will be (that idiot let Healer Pye try some experimental treatment and now apparently he’s grown tentacles) but if you’re up for it and you think you can behave yourself then that Chaser spot is yours.

Anyway, in the unlikely event that you do decide to keep playing then I’d keep your distance from Ron for a while, assuming that you like your nose all pointy and sharp like that though why would you . And tell Hermione that she’s not exactly out of the woods either because there’s no way that clown shoes were your idea, and even if Ron hasn’t figured that one out yet he will eventually. I’ll admit it was pretty funny, but I think the Permanent-Sticking Charm might have been taking things a little too far?

We’re having a barbecue at Grimmauld Place this weekend and Ginny says I have to invite you. So, yeah.

- HP

D – Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday. George and I salute your creativity. Ginny.

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The Boy Who Choked,

Funny you should question my spirit of teamwork, isn’t it? I mean, considering that your wife and I managed to trounce you and Weasley quite magnificently as a team during your charming little attempt at social graces the other day. I would caution you ever so gently against falling back on your argument that I am in any way a cheat - though, should I? Perhaps not, seeing as nothing would give me greater pleasure than seeing you on the receiving end of your own better half’s rather inspired knack for bat-bogey hexes. (And when I say better half, I do mean Ginny, not Weasley, who is really more of a life partner.)

Granger says I am now obligated to thank you for what she insists has been your generous hospitality, but I am rather disinclined to acquiesce. How about instead, I offer you a far more beneficial service - such as, say, educating you on how to more successfully impress as a host. Let’s make it the Manor this weekend, shall we? Try talking Lady Potter into a dress, and then let’s see how civilized adults behave.

Bring Weasley. I’d hate to have to hire a clown.

- DM

For your information, Harry, I only told Draco what a clown was. How was I to know that a perfectly innocent discussion of muggle entertainment would inspire such a wonderful moment of hilarity ridiculous expression of immaturity?

All my love,
Hermione

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Lord Malfoy,

It was so kind of you to provide such a sterling example of true wizarding hospitality at dinner yesterday. Myself and Lady Potter were simply delighted to be afforded the opportunity of prevailing upon your boundless generosity and endless refinement.

Such a shame that Ron dear Ronald couldn’t attend, I know that you were so keen for him to be there. I’m doubly sorry that I couldn’t convey his regrets as he wished me to, but I didn’t want to offend your mother’s delicate ears with the vehemence of his anguish at missing the invitation.

On the subject of Lady Narcissa, may I say what a wonderful surprise it was to have her join us? And please, Ferret  Draco, do reassure her that I wasn’t at all offended that she let the cat out of the bag about your burning desire to have me be one of your groomsmen. As I’m sure she’s told you, I’d be absolutely thrilled, so I guess you must be feeling pretty silly to have been so nervous about asking me. 

Honestly, I had no idea that plans for your and Hermione’s wedding had progressed so far! At the rate things are going, you’ll actually be asking her to marry you soon. Won’t that be utterly lovely?

It was good to see how comfortable Hermione is at the Manor now, and that new central courtyard that you’ve had put in is very nice. The house elves seem thrilled with their new hats too – you know, it was so great to reminisce with Hermione about S.P.E.W. when you were both over at Grimmauld last weekend. I’d say her knitting’s really improved since we were at school, wouldn’t you? 

See you for the game on Wednesday.

Your most devoted friend,

Lord Potter

Hermione,

Harry just spent an hour reading one of the old etiquette manuals that Sirius had in the library and then wrote a letter to Draco. I don’t know what it said but he kept laughing to himself so you might want to try and intercept?? Thanks for yesterday, it was really nice!

G xxx

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Harry! What on earth do you think you’re doing? Are you actively trying to send Draco running for the hills? It’s one thing for his mother to attempt to bully him into proposing, but from you, it’s quite another! I’m perfectly happy with the way things are, thank you very much, and I won’t have you scaring him off with your silly juvenile torture tactics. Shame on you, Harry James Potter. For shame.

Really, though, you looked quite handsome yesterday and I’m ever so glad you could come. 

All my love,
Hermione

Boy Wonder,

Color me astonished at Granger snottily informing me that I would find myself empty-handed from our morning owls. No snarky letter following our magnificent dinner this weekend? I have to admit, I expected more from you. Were you so impressed with my hosting abilities as to be rendered actually speechless? No shame in that, Potter. Happens to the best of us. Look at Granger; she spends the majority of her time responding to me with a head shake and a brief period of rather stunned silence. 

On a horrifyingly serious note: I assure you, I cannot believe I am saying this, but I must offer you a sincere, gentleman’s expression of gratitude for your ability to refrain from being a total prat about my mother and her … let’s call it marital enthusiasm. It’s a sensitive subject, as you know. Or perhaps you don’t, all things considered, what with you and Ginny practically sprinting down the aisle like the concept of matrimony itself were on fire; but all in all, I prefer to take my time when it comes to Granger, so I appreciate the restraint. Besides, while I recognize that my impressively cool exterior allows me a rather convincing disguise, I have been known to dally a bit in romance, and I’d rather she not be deprived the element of surprise that I’m sure you agree she deserves.

I realize I now owe you - which I thoroughly loathe and, tragically, will not abide - so in exchange, I will make a concerted effort not to make you look like a total fool at our game on Wednesday.

Don’t tell Granger I said any of that. 

Seriously. Don’t.

- DM

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Accompanying a bouquet of purple hyacinths:

Hermione,

Kreacher promised that these would be appropriate under the circumstances.

Forgive me: I got a bit carried away. I did mean what I said about being glad that you’re happy at the Manor, and I was very impressed by Ferret’s ability to stand up to the formidable Lady Malfoy.

You’ll be pleased to know that Gin continues to be endlessly innovative in her refinements of the Bat-Bogey hex. They sing, now.

Love always, H

Blonde Ambition, 

I’m sorry to have left you pining for a missive, but the wife and I had a bit of a falling out and I found myself somewhat indisposed… at least having enjoyed your truly singular hospitality means that I was able to picture you mooning about the Manor all day yesterday, sighing with disappointment not to have heard from me. I found the image very comforting.

Though I may sometimes have to be reminded of the fact, I am a gentleman at heart. We Gryffindors are a chivalrous bunch, after all. While I don’t really understand your reasons for tiptoeing around the subject of marriage, Hermione deserves to be treated like a queen, and (I am unnerved to be writing this) it does appear that you are capable of doing that. As you are well aware, I want her to be happy above anything else, so (Merlin help me) if you ever need help in ensuring that she is, how to put this, suitably surprised by something, you know where I am.

Looking forward to this evening - it’ll be refreshing to see how good you really are at quidditch when you’re not singularly focussed on pissing me off.

Oh, and your mushy little secrets are safe with me, Ferret. Word of honour.

- HP

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Potter, you rotter - and right when I thought you’d gone soft! You know, over the years I’d become quite convinced that your preferred flying style necessitated falling off your broom in some form or another, but I am not above admitting that that was quite a show. You’re welcome for scoring nearly all of the points, of course, but seeing as I am a gentleman in every way, I shall refrain from unnecessary boasting. No reason to call undue attention to the countless ways in which I naturally excel.

On the subject of my triumphs, both existing and imminent - Blaise is visiting the Manor this weekend and I’d love to wipe the smarmy look off his stupidly handsome face. Care to join me for a little two-a-side? Theo’s rubbish, as you might have guessed, and I’ll put loads of money on it. Who knows? Maybe we can graciously toss some winnings over to the Weasley Shoe Fund. I know how his footwear concerns you. 

Saturday? Rest up. I plan to wipe the floor with them.

- DM

Ginny,

What do you think about doing a little shopping on Saturday? Draco’s just told me he’s invited Harry to something he’s calling an “impending Zabini bloodbath,” whatever that means, and I’m thinking they might finally be able to handle themselves without supervision. Draco was whistling when he came home from their game tonight, can you believe it?? Anyway, let me know. 

Love always,
Hermione

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To Draco Malfoy, Naturally Excellent Chaser,

It was quite dramatic wasn’t it? I didn’t realise that a nose could bleed that much, but I maintain that my foot was there first and it was entirely Smith’s fault that his face happened to connect with my toes. I was very impressed by your ability to continue scoring goals even while laughing yourself sick.

Ginny informs me that she and Hermione are going shopping on Saturday, so I guess that leaves me free to help you give Zabini the thrashing he so richly deserves. If Nott’s anywhere near as bad on the pitch as I imagine then it’ll be worth it for the entertainment value alone.

Given the incredible likelihood of us winning all of Zabini’s pocket money, then I should tell you that I happened to do a little research after the Clown Incident. Deeply disturbing though your fascination with Ron’s feet is, and loath though I am to encourage it, it’s amazing what you can buy from specialist retailers.

See you Saturday.

- HP

Hermione,

I know! Harry’s really looking forward to it, though he’s pretending he’s only going because I’ll be out with you. Let’s grab lunch as well – there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.

Love G xxx

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Harry Potter, the Boy Who Scored (repeatedly),

Was it just my healthy imagination, or did we actually make Blaise cry? Well done making Theo look like a bumbling dolt, it was truly some of your best work. He was just a hurricane of limbs trying to block your shots, wasn’t he? Anyway, I’m enclosing your half of the winnings; though, if you’re up for it, maybe we can pool our collective earnings and go double or nothing on his next visit. (Read: double.)

Granger came home being very giggly and mysterious today so good luck with whatever nonsense is going on over there with the lady of the house. Oh, and thanks for staying after to take a look at the ring - I wouldn’t normally trust your taste but you do know Granger, so I suppose your opinion has to count for something (against my infinitely better judgment). I do fervently hope that “it’s a bit much” is not actually your final word on the subject, as I would be remiss if I didn’t manage to give her something that Weasley could see from the Foxhole or the Weasel Den or whatever his exceedingly humble abode is called - but I’ll keep at it.

Only the best for Granger, as you well know.

- DM

Ginny! I found that list I told you about - turns out that a teenaged Hermione’s list of desirable baby names is not one of my better creations (can you believe I once considered Hugo? Really. Hugo.) but after our conversation today, I couldn’t resist! I can’t wait to see how you break the news to Harry. I’m absolutely giddy with excitement for you! I haven’t told Draco yet that we’ll be going over to yours later this week but I don’t think he’ll mind; in fact, I think the boys are becoming rather smitten with each other. If they ever run off together, promise me you’ll stop by on occasion to make sure I don’t get eaten by cats.

All my love,
Hermione

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Goldilocks,

Keen fantasist though you are, I can confirm that Zabini was indeed reduced to tears and it was a thing of absolute beauty. The memory of him hurling his broom at the wall is one that I’ll treasure – do you think it’s a design flaw peculiar to Cleansweeps that it snapped like that? Maybe we should use some of our winnings to buy him a new one…I hear Firebolt are bringing out a training model…

If Zabini does agree to a rematch can you try and persuade Pansy to play? Rumour has it she’s reasonably good, and I’d like to be able to bring Ron along. I was telling him about Nott’s giant-flying-squid impression after our exam today and he seemed a bit put out that you and I have been playing together. Gin’s been in a hell of a mood the last couple of days, and I don’t think I can stand having two Weasleys pissed off at me at the same time. Oh yeah – no game tomorrow evening I’m afraid. I’ve been told in no uncertain terms that now that my exams are finished I have to take my wife out for a nice dinner. Hopefully she’ll tell me what I’ve done that’s got her so wound up.

I wasn’t kidding about the ring, by the way. I know that your ferrety little mind wants it to be the jewellery equivalent of peeing on Hermione’s leg (which, believe me, Ron’s over it) but you could probably see that thing from the International Space Station (muggle thing, look it up) let alone The Burrow, and it’s really not her style. For one thing, she likes being able to lift her hand.

Apparently you’re coming over on Thursday evening? I am subject the dictatorial whims of my better half (a situation I’m sure you can sympathise with) so see you then.

- HP

Hugo? For Godric’s sake Hermione were you actually determined to scar your future ferret-spawn? I’ve been an absolute hormonal nightmare the last few days so Harry’s walking on eggshells. He’s taking me out tomorrow evening and I figure I’ll tell him in public. Anything to reduce the likelihood of screaming…

Anyway, if he ever decides that Gentlemen Prefer Blondes I’m sure that you, Crookshanks and I would be very happy together.

Love always, G xxx

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Sent to the Zabini household, attached to a child-sized broom:

Zabini, 

Potter and I thought you’d be needing a new broom, since you so tragically find yourself without one for our rematch. This one seemed more your speed.

- DM

Chosen Git,

I made sure to send Blaise a replacement. I think you’ll appreciate the wit, even though he undoubtedly will not.

Does my startlingly sharp intellect deceive me, or are you trying to set Weasley up with Pansy? That will work flawlessly, if he’s a total masochist. (Though he must be, considering he’s been mates with you since long before you actually got decent.) I am actually quite curious to see what will result from your romantic schemes so yes, it’s settled. Bring Weasley over and let’s watch true magic unfold. I’ll have snacks.

Ah, romance. 

Funny you should mention things being frayed at yours. Granger has been acting very strangely. I’ve been pestering her to give up whatever she’s so clearly hiding but she insists on being elusive. Though, I am a rather gifted detective and have many methods of persuasion with which to bend her to my will, so I doubt it will take much 

Have to run, see you Thursday, nothing of consequence to note, bye now, tell Ginny I say nothing at all and know nothing

- DM

Ginny! Draco dragged it out of me and he is just a disaster at keeping secrets - might want to tell Harry sooner rather than later!!

xoxo Hermione

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Starman,

In light of your shocking admission that you think I’m actually decent, would you mind telling me what in Godric’s name is going on? Ginny can’t seem to decide whether she wants to kiss me or kill me, you appear to have had some sort of stroke, and when I tried to talk to Hermione at lunch just now she giggled and pretended she had to go and talk to Lavender bloody Brown.

Oh my…Fuck. Fucking hell!!

Merlin’s tits, it’s been quite a day.

Apparently your sexually depraved Sherlock Holmes (seriously, look it up) impression is the reason that my wife came and yanked me out of my office this afternoon. I take it you’re already aware of our news, but would you mind at least attempting to keep a lid on it until tomorrow evening? We’re planning to have a few people round so we can make an official announcement, and given our new spirit of bonhomie I’d hate to have to hex you for being a prick and spilling the beans.

As for the whole Pansy thing, I admit I wasn’t being particularly subtle there, but at the last Ministry cocktail party Ron happened to remark that she appeared to have grown into her nose quite nicely, which is pretty high praise from him. Bring her tomorrow, why the hell not. I could do with having something to distract Ronald from his continued disgust that I’m shagging his sister (still undiminished after all these years).

Do you think I should ask Zabini for that broom back?

- HP

Hermione – thanks for the heads up! Fainting aside, I think it went pretty well. See you tomorrow! G xxx

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Merlin’s tits indeed, Potter. I’d even go as far as to say Salazar’s bollocks.

A hearty congratulations to you, to the lady of the house, and to your future spawn, of course. Granger was beside herself with excitement (and other emotions at the time, but I am a gentleman, and shall not indulge your natural curiosity.) Why rob Blaise of his brand new broom, though? Believe me, you can rest assured that Granger and I will make certain that baby Potter has the best that money can buy. It’s only fitting that he or she learn immediately upon birth just how much superior I am to Weasley.

Speaking of, I can’t say Granger’s quite as pleased with your matchmaking as we might have hoped, but I managed to reroute her … shall we say, enthusiasm, thanks in large part to your well-timed Sherlock Holmes reference. As it turns out, there’s a wide array of muggle culture that Granger finds appealing when it’s wearing my pants (or not wearing them, as the case may be.) I will happily bring Pansy to your announcement affair, though I’m crossing my fingers now that she decides to floo in separately. This may surprise you, but she and Granger don’t exactly get on, and both are pretty terrifying when they feel up for it.

Oh, and don’t worry too much about me spilling the beans. It was one thing for me to let something slip to you, but - sit down for this one, as you may find it surprising - I actually don’t interact with too many other people on a daily basis. What can I say? Despite my naturally sunny disposition, I’m not much of a socialite.

On a final note - hold off for a bit before you announce the godparents, would you? I’m sure Granger will want to at least be engaged before taking on that kind of responsibility. I’m assuming, of course, that you’ll choose us over the possible combination of Weasley and Pansy - you do want your child to receive gifts on holidays, correct? Perhaps even a shot at growing up to be a reasonably well adjusted human being? Things to think about, Potter. Things to think about.

See you tomorrow, Papa Bear.

- DM

HARRY! I AM SO THRILLED FOR YOU!! I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW EVENING!! 

Hugs and kisses to you and Ginny - I am just over the moon with happiness.

Love always,
Hermione

p.s. Ron and Pansy, though? Really? And to think that all this time, I actually thought you liked Ron …

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My dear Watson, 

(Yes, you have deduced correctly: Hermione told me who wears the deerstalker in the Granger-Malfoy household)

I wanted to say thanks for being such a good sport yesterday. It must have been very painful to have to concede that I do occasionally have some good ideas, and I’d like to compliment you on the good grace with which you surrendered your galleons, even if you did insist on checking the butterbeer for Amortentia. Seriously, Ron needs someone to keep him on his toes and by the looks of things I’d say Pansy’s got that covered. Maybe it’ll get her off Hermione’s back as well? Two chasers with one bludger, as they say…

Look, I also wanted you to know I’m glad that you stuck around after what Molly said. I’m only telling you this once: we all love Hermione and if I actually thought you were half as awful as you were at school I would have locked her in the basement at Grimmauld before I let her get involved with you. At this stage you just have to accept that people might actually quite like having you around (personally I admit nothing), even if you are a bit of a twat.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t let it shock you that people are willing to put the past aside. Hermione did, didn’t she? And don’t worry about Gin – she and her mum have had much worse fights than this.

On the godparent thing, we won’t be announcing anything until after Baby Potter (fuck me, still terrifying to write that down) is born, so I guess that gives you a decent seven-month window to finally pop the question. That new ring is much more Hermione’s speed, by the way; very tasteful. Don’t fuck it up.

We’ll be over for lunch on Sunday, terribly alarming kind of your mother to invite us.

- HP

Hermione,

I guess if you promise an ulterior-sound is safe then book me in for one next week. I still can’t believe that muggles have invented a way to take pictures of babies before they’re born, but I’m sure Harry will love it!

All my love, G xxxx

p.s. I still can’t believe Harry and Draco managed to fix up Ron and PANSY - I might have to obliviate myself after catching them snogging in MY kitchen.

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Git Who Lived,

While I find it endlessly hilarious that you should intimate in any way that you would have a say in telling Granger what to do, I certainly appreciate the sentiment. Though, why always the tone of surprise upon peeling back my layers of decency? I am a delight, Potter. Such a thing should never be questioned.

Two chasers with one bludger indeed. I continue to be both disturbed and alarmed at how quickly those two got on, though perhaps that is foolish of me. They are both equally intolerable, and I can think of nothing I would wish more for Weasley than having Lady Parkinson as a mother-in-law.

Speaking of mothers - my fine plumage remains largely unruffled, particularly as nobody was more regretful (and subsequently enthusiastic) about the whole thing than Granger. I am not, as some would believe, inherently likable, so I can scarcely hold it against people if they fail to recognize my ample charm. I continue to be unreasonably handsome, so, you know. Priorities.

Plan to hang back a bit after lunch? 

- DM

Ginny,

It’s called an ultrasound, you goose, and you’re all set - I’ll fetch you tomorrow for the appointment!

By the way, perhaps I’m being silly, but has Draco by any chance mentioned anything to Harry about something that’s bothering him? He’s been a tad unusual lately. A bit sweatier than the norm, if I’m being honest. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’m hoping it doesn’t have anything to do with the altercation with your mum yesterday. Thank you ever so much for coming to his defense - with as much time as I’ve spent with Narcissa, I’ve regrettably come to learn that a lady does not typically attempt to hex other people’s mothers. At least not in public.

Ron and Pansy in your kitchen? I’ll do your obliviation right after you do mine.

All my love,
Hermione

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Captain Peroxide,

Layered is it? Like an onion? Don’t they usually make people cry when you peel them?

Actually you know what, I really don’t want to think about peeling back layers. I’ve just had to endure Ron giving me a blow-by-blow account of his date with Pansy yesterday. Don’t get me wrong I’m used to self-sacrifice, and Godric knows he deserves to have some fun, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at an Eton Mess the same way again.

I have to admit, however, should things get to the mother-in-law stage I’m quite looking forward to witnessing what’s sure to be a showdown for the ages between Lady Parkinson and Molly Weasley. We’ll definitely need snacks for that, since I’m assuming a woman capable of raising a hellion like Pansy won’t tolerate Molly with anything approaching your cool.

You can wipe the smirk off your face, I didn’t say you’re cool. You’re still 100% prat. And of course I’ve got your back on Sunday. Just a heads-up - Hermione might have smelled a rat because Ginny was asking what you were up to. I think my misdirection tactics were successful though…all that Auror training obviously paying off…

- HP

PS: Tell Hermione thanks a million for taking Gin for the scan, the photos are just… tell her thanks, yeah? I can’t believe we’re having a boy!

Hermione,

Muggles are bloody weird, but it was worth it for Harry’s face when he saw the pictures! We haven’t talked about names yet, but…it has to be James doesn’t it? Do you think I should suggest it?

I did try to ask Harry if anything was wrong with Draco, but he just laughed and said ‘Once a ferret, always a ferret’ then made me a cup of tea. Which I’ll admit was completely bizarre, but I think if you needed to worry then he wouldn’t be finding it funny.

Oh, and believe me, if my mum shoots her mouth off like that again don’t stress about manners, I’ll hex her myself.

Looking forward to seeing you Sunday!

Love G xxx

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Harry,

I need help. The ring’s all wrong, everything’s wrong - doing it at the Manor, what am I thinking? Wrong, totally wrong, that’s not what she wants - Merlin, she’s going to say no, she’s going to fucking throw it back in my face - which she should, honestly, seeing as I’m not fucking good enough for her - she should be with someone - I don’t know, good, someone worthy, and who am I? Fucking hell 

Potter,

Lower the wards, I’m coming over.

- DM

Ginny! I came home and I can’t find Draco and nobody knows where he is, nobody’s seen him in hours - is there any chance he’s at yours? I’m worried sick! Owl me if you have any news, would you? 

xo Hermione

Chapter Text

The following series of notes were posted under the locked door of the library at 12 Grimmauld Place…

Runaway Bride,

Have you gone completely insane? Is this some sort of joke? This is MY fucking house! What the hell is wrong with you?

- HP

Malfoy,

Take down the muffliato you arsehole. I mean it. Ginny says Hermione’s beside herself with worry – apparently you just ran off?? I don’t understand what’s going on, I thought you had everything planned out for this weekend?

- HP

Draco,

If you don’t let me in there I’m going to break the fucking wards, and then I’ll be really pissed off.

- Harry

That’s it. Stand away from the door, I’m coming in.

Hermione,

Don’t freak out, he’s upstairs having a screaming match with Harry. I don’t know what’s going on but just get over here, would you?

Ginny xxx

Chapter Text

A few hours later …

Dear Harry,

Where to begin? Thank you so much for accommodating my wildly unstable fiancé. My goodness, that feels strange to write! I have to admit, I did not expect to find out about my own engagement by having the ring accidentally thrown in my face while stumbling into a classic Malfoy and Potter wrestling match, but then, if I really think about it, it feels somehow appropriate. I suspect it wouldn’t be Draco and me if nobody had accidentally injured someone else in the process.

I’m going to let Draco have the night off from much questioning as he has already encountered more emotions than he is accustomed to feeling - or is capable of handling at one time, really - but I’m sure he will have something to say in the morning. In the meantime, thank you for being a good friend, Harry. To me, of course, always - but to Draco as well. He’ll die before admitting it, but he really needed you today, and tough love aside (really, you really got him! It took ages to fix his nose) - I think you’re both much better suited for each other than you realize.

All my love,
Hermione

Potter,

You are not entirely terrible.

Please don’t make me say more.

- DM

p.s. good aim.

Chapter Text

Debbie Harry (look it up),

Greetings from Huesca, where the Aurors never sleep. Honestly, if I’d known that what Kingsley meant by ‘improved international magical cooperation’ was spending five days hunting vampires in the Pyrenees with an insane Spaniard called Javier (who says “Por qué querría decir hola?” because he’s basically Aragonese you) then I’d probably have declined the offer. 

How was the match yesterday? I still can’t believe you managed to persuade George to let Zabini to stand in for me. You’d better have won or I’ll never be able to miss a game again.

Gin tells me your mother is driving both you and Hermione to distraction over the wedding planning. Are you starting to see why we - what was it? - “sprinted down the aisle as though the very concept of matrimony was on fire”? Bet that sounds tempting now that you’ve been forced to compare twenty identical versions of ivory stock for the invitations (can’t wait to see what you choose)…

Look, I don’t want to sound soft, and I certainly don’t want you thinking I care about your stupid feelings, but the main reason I’m writing is because I just got Hermione’s letter and…well…I want to know you’re alright with it before I say yes. Don’t get me wrong I’m thrilled to be asked, but there’s no way the symbolism isn’t going to raise some eyebrows, right? And while I’d usually follow Hermione’s lead and just scowl at anyone who dares object to anything she does, you’re my friend too  not entirely terrible, you know? So I can always be an usher or something, if you think it would be too awkward.

Also of course there’s the fact that I’d get to give a speech, and you know I have the means at my disposal to build on whatever Theo manages to come up with and utterly destroy you (I was after all an eyewitness to your proposal).

I’ll be back this weekend so provided Gin allows me to leave the house (six months pregnant and the benevolent dictatorship has been firmly established) let’s go for a pint or something, yeah?

- Harry

Chapter Text

Harry Potter, Auror About Town,

First of all, let me be the first to inform you that ivory is itself an extremely distinctive shade. If you think I have allowed my feelings for Granger to sway me from my long-established aversion to ecru, you are exactly the fool I’ve always suspected you were. And just as I thought things were starting to turn around, too - what were you expecting, something plebeian? Corn silk? Eggshell??? Frankly, I shudder to think.

Your lack of polish aside, I will be the first to admit that Blaise is no great substitute for you. He lacks your certain pizazz - you know the one. Your proclivity for displacing yourself from your broom. By comparison, he’s so … stable. But you will be pleased, I’m sure, to know that we won quite handily. Because again, I am on the team.

Don’t read into this too much but it was actually my idea to have you escort Granger down the aisle. I may be old-fashioned, but I do wield the occasional sentiment when it counts. And let’s be clear: Granger hardly sees herself as needing to be “given away” - which she reminds me on perhaps an hourly basis - so the symbolism is nearly nil, but I think having you be with her in some elevated capacity is important to her. To me as well, though I take no pleasure in disclosing that. Keep it to yourself.

If you disclose any details about the nature of our proposal, either in a speech capacity or otherwise, I will be forced to commit a rather gruesome homicide. As it is, my mother thinks the exceedingly staged proposal at the Manor was the real one, and I’m more than happy to carry on deluding her for as long as time allows.

Aragonese me, you say? Doubtful. I’m essentially once in a lifetime. But I will agree to a pint this weekend, as Granger’s throwing your wife some kind of pre-baby lady ritual that I don’t understand. She has been knitting tiny pairs of socks all week that I’m sure no baby would take any pleasure in wearing, but what can I say. I am powerless to intervene.

This weekend, then.

- Draco

Ginny, is there anything else you’ll be needing for your shower this weekend? I know it’s a muggle thing, but I just can’t resist.

Also, don’t let it startle you, but our new owl’s name is Harry. You can blame Draco for that one, of course. Occasionally I catch him petting its feathers and muttering “you are now Owl Harry, and you are a noble breed.”

I don’t even know what to tell you.

All my love,
Hermione

Chapter Text

Magnolia Malfoy,

Sorry to have offended your delicate sensibilities with my heathen ways. And to think I was going to say cream… 

While I’m shocked that you would suggest allowing an uncouth peasant like me a part in your ceremony, I mean it when I say thank you, and of course I’m absolutely delighted to accept. I’m also well aware that treating Hermione like a possession is a sure-fire route to receiving a hex to somewhere uncomfortable (speaking of, I’m guessing McLaggen definitely won’t be receiving an invite to the wedding?) so believe me, no fear on that front. 

Much as I’m certain that murders have enlivened many a Malfoy nuptial of yore, I know that Hermione would be devastated if I were forced to kill you in self-defence before you had a chance to consummate your wedding vows, and I will therefore resist the shocking temptation to reveal the depths of your absurdity. 

There is a strong chance that Theo knows though, but if he does it’s definitely because he tricked it out of me and not because I wanted to see if I could make him cry with laughter (which, spoiler, I can). But I’m not afraid of your retribution, Malfoy. You can’t pretend you don’t love me, because I know the truth. I know you named your owl after me. Hey, maybe I could return the gesture? I’ve heard mustelids make nice pets…

Looking forward to arriving home to find my house bedecked in purls. It’ll be like fourth year all over again.

With deep affection (oh, and Javier says vete pal casa del carajo, are you sure you don’t know one another?),

- Harry

Hermione,

Honestly I can’t believe you’ve had time to organise this! I’m so grateful, so just bring yourself and whatever monstrosity your knitting needles have produced for me this week and I’ll be happy as a Niffler in Gringotts.

Ginny xxx

PS: Harry’s thrilled about the owl thing. Men, eh?
PPS: Next Tuesday at Twilfitt & Tattings, right?

Chapter Text

Boy Who Aurored,

A bit cocky, aren’t we, assuming the owl’s named after you? He happens to be, of course, but only because with such unruly feathers, it was an unavoidable comparison. You two share so much in common; for one thing, you’re both unreasonably obsessed with me.

Case in point: you’ve judged me so imperiously for naming my owl Harry, and yet you’ve gone and replaced me with a Spaniard. Javier, is it? You’re really reaching. I’m almost sad for you. 

Almost.

Switching gears - you may be uncouth, Potter, but you’re hardly a peasant. I wouldn’t spend time with you if you were. I haven’t sunk that low, after all, and my mother would never allow it. Though, speaking of my mother, you’ll likely have to take some dance lessons with her. I’d intercede on your behalf, but you desperately need the instruction. I’ve seen you dance, as you may recall, and I feel I must inform you that it’s an unparalleled travesty. You’ll have to learn to carry yourself much better if you plan on accompanying the future Lady Malfoy down the aisle.

That’s strange to say, isn’t it? The future Lady Malfoy. My Lady Malfoy.

Eh. I think I’ll still call her Granger.

In re the wedding - McLaggen is obviously not invited. Nobody is invited to our wedding who has ever attempted to picture Granger naked, which cleverly does away with everyone of consequence. Though, now that I’m saying it, I’m realizing that may include Theo. I should probably check on that.

Saturday, yeah? Conveniently between the hours in which Granger is hosting her Baby Potter Affair. It’s called a ‘shower,’ did you know that? Granger is being disappointingly unclear about whether or not bathing is actually part of the ritual. So far context cues have failed me.

Hold on, owl’s just arrived, maybe it’s your lady -

Well, you’re in luck. It was my mother, who conveniently had the same thought I did. Schedule in an extra pint, as it seems we’ll be joining her for a lesson at the Manor. I’ve promised her an hour. DO NOT DISAPPOINT - I CANNOT BE MORE CLEAR ON THIS. SHE DOES NOT TAKE DISAPPOINTMENT WELL IN THE SLIGHTEST. 

- Draco

Chapter Text

Hair Apparent, 

I think, I think, I’ve just about recovered.

I think.

You were no help whatsoever by the way, and it’s slightly sick that you found it so funny when your mother was practically mauling me.  And as for Theo, that little shit. I’ll show him a fucking quickstep. Please tell me that lesson was enough? I don’t have to do it again do I?

Oh gods, I don’t even want to think about it.

Lady Narcissa’s wandering hands aside, it was good to see you. You’re a lot more fun than Javier, although your jealousy is endearing. Green has always suited you, Draco, no need to be ashamed about it.

Actually while we’re on jealousy, I know that little barb about my hair and HarOwld Potter’s feathers was made from pure envy. It must be so annoying having to spend hours preening your shiny little helmet every day, knowing that some of us really did wake up like this.

You’ll be disappointed to know that I didn’t find a naked coven splashing around when I arrived home, just a very sober, very amused Ginny surrounded by absolutely battered witches. Hopefully you know by now that letting Hermione make drinks is an absolute no-no unless you want to end up on your arse?

Anyway, looks like we’ll be eating cake for the foreseeable future, so do stop in anytime you have a hankering for victoria sponge.

-       HP

Hermione,

Thank you thank you thank you!! I hope Draco’s hangover potion is as good as I’ve heard.

Love Ginny xxx

Chapter Text

The Boy Who Danced,

As far as I’m concerned, your arse got in the way of my mother’s saintly hands and nothing will convince me otherwise. No need to thrust about for blame; we all envy Theo’s quickness on his feet, astounding as it is. And if you want my honesty - you don’t, I assure you, but such is life - you could use another lesson. However, in yet another stunning display of gentlemanly courtesy, I won’t force you to endure any further torment, despite the endless pleasure it brings me. At least I’ll always have that wonderful hour of watching Harry Potter, the venerable Chosen One, stumble all over himself … I expect I can now die a happy man.

In my infinite wisdom I sense that you are mocking me but you know as well as I do that everything suits me. Also, please do us all the courtesy of not butchering Owl Harry’s name. HarOwld? Your whimsy knows no bounds, Human Harry, but he is a rather prideful creature and will not tolerate your derivative nicknames. If he is currently giving you an appropriately chilling look, be sure to offer him a biscuit of apology.

No naked coven, you say? Color me disappointed, though I suppose there is some logic in that. You know, for being so adept at potions - which she reminded me at least five times as I was carrying her up the stairs yesterday - Granger can’t seem to mix a cocktail that doesn’t end in chaos. She insisted she wouldn’t need my hangover potion, of course; something about being the “brightest witch of her age” right after she yelled at me for enchanting the room to spin. But I think we’re all quite clear that I’ll be nursing her back to sanity as soon as she wakes up.

Ah, she’s just emerged, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. And by that I mean she looks a bit like death, only bushy-tailed.

I’m thinking if I can coax her out, we might stop by this afternoon, yeah? I assume you’re free and/or will become free for my benefit. Granger hasn’t really seen you yet, after all, and I’m sure she’d love to visit once she regains the capacity to remember who you are and stop vomiting in the sink.

She’s asking for that potion now - Merlin’s stately mustache, this witch owns me. This afternoon, then.

- Draco

Oh, wait, she’s asked me to transcribe the following:

Harry hi love much to you later then see you

And she’s requested I send you “four thousand kisses.”

You may have one, and here it is: x.

Chapter Text

Lover boy,

A kiss! A very palpable kiss! Say that it’s from Hermione all you like, but it’s written in your own fair hand (seriously did you have a cursive tutor or something?) and I shall therefore file it under ‘evidence that you love me’ (see also: HarOwld Potter, your unreasonable hostility towards Javier, and of course the never-to-be-spoken-of library incident). And to know that my own performance on the dancefloor has brought you to such a point of happiness that you might die of it… honestly darling, all this drama, you know you only have to ask and I’ll throw Ginny over before you can s-

D,

I found half a letter I was writing to you last weekend before you turned up on the doorstep with the Lightweight-est Witch of Her Age, and it turns out it’s the only paper I had on me. It made me laugh, so I assumed that you’d do that thing you’ve taken to doing in my company and compress all your features into tiny lines because you’re trying so hard to hide the fact that you find me hilarious.

Just imagining you doing it is making this shitty day a little better.

Since you’d already gone by the time I managed to get there, thank you for taking Ginny in to St Mungo’s. She’s sleeping now, and apparently Braxton Hicks isn’t uncommon, but it gave her a hell of a scare. Godric, it gave me a hell of a scare. Hermione said that you were the one who managed to keep a cool head (actually her exact words were “It was like the Devil’s Snare all over again” which comparison I’m sure Ginny will be delighted by) so I’m really, seriously glad you were there.

We joke about the Godfather thing, but you will, won’t you? I mean, you and Hermione are already taking care of mini-Potter and he isn’t even born yet (in spite of his best efforts). And obviously I intend to be a terribly strict father so it only stands to reason that you should be available to indulge his every whim and fancy. 

I know you worry about stepping on more toes than I would dancing a waltz, but Ron’s already said he doesn’t mind. Well, what he said was “I’m already the kid’s uncle and Hermione’s obviously Godmother, so you might as well make blondie feel involved somehow.” Which is Ron-speak for wholehearted agreement.

Anyway, it’ll make me happy and since I have written evidence that you adore me I’m assuming that’s enough to be sure you’ll say yes.

Cheers,

Harry

Chapter Text

Harry,

I’ve just came downstairs to find Draco very choked up over your letter; it appears his communication skills are currently restricted to parroting monosyllabic words. I’m sensing it might be best if I take responsibility for his response, seeing as he’s essentially incapacitated. Honestly, I think you’ve broken him. He still hasn’t  

Sorry, he suddenly started babbling incoherently and it was really quite shocking! I thought for a moment he was having a stroke. He just kept mumbling something about “the luminescent beauty of unexpected friendship” and “family emerging from the barren wastelands of foolish youth,” and then he decided he needed to lie down on the kitchen floor, and it was … well, if I’m being honest, it was difficult to contain my amusement. I know I shouldn’t mock him - and I shouldn’t, really, seeing as the poor thing is just so thoroughly exhausted from the effort, he hasn’t moved in at least twenty minutes; he’s just been staring straight forward and every now and then I’m compelled to reach down to check his pulse - but for a moment there it was a bit like listening to really terrible poetry, or a muggle greeting card. 

He just got up and darted away. No idea where he’s gone. 

You’ve definitely broken him.

Anyway - thank you so much for the gesture, Harry; it means so much to him, and to me, as well. I know you thought I was crazy for loving him but it starts to make sense after a while, doesn’t it? He’s oddly sort of wonderful once you’ve sifted through the many elements of prattishness and general dickery. He is going to make a wonderful godfather, and I couldn’t be prouder of how far you two have come.

Apologize to Ginny again, though, would you? Thank god for Draco, really. I was a mess, I tell you, and I shall dwell in the depths of shame forevermore, just from sheer inadequacy. I can’t even imagine what I would be like as a parent without him there to keep me sane!

Hm. Never imagined I’d say that. It really is funny how things turn out, don’t you think?

All my love,
Hermione

Later that evening, as owls flurry between Malfoy Manor and Nott Manor.

Theo,

Potter as co-best man. Thoughts?

- D

Draco,

Into it. Figured you’d come to that conclusion eventually.

I assume you’re going to blame it on me, then?

- T

Oh, always. Thanks.

- D

Anything for you, arsehole.

- T

The next day … 

Harry,

I accept the position of Godfather, and am pleased you’ve come to the obvious conclusion that you’d be a fool to choose otherwise. You may turn out to be an adequate father after all.

I wonder if you might consider doing me a favor. It seems Theo is a bit distracted lately, and I find myself somewhat displeased with my lack of a functioning best man; he’s agreed to split the responsibility (the privilege, really), if you’re able to come on board. I’m aware Granger has already assigned you a task, but she’s been gracious enough to assure me she is capable of traversing the aisle on her own. Think you can make yourself available?

Only if you can spare the time, of course.

Draco

Chapter Text

Hermione,

Once again you seem to have forgotten that I Am The Chosen One. I’m pretty used to people being overcome in my presence by now, but I have to say I’m not surprised that it caused Malfoy to have a minor breakdown. After all, it’s taken such a long time for my awesomeness to penetrate his carapace of arrogance and, to use your phrase, “general dickery” that it must have been quite a shock when it finally filtered through. Lying on the kitchen floor seems a bit of stretch though - are you sure he wasn’t having an aneurysm? I can’t imagine anything else prompting him to risk ruining a shirt.

Also while I still think you’re crazy, it’s more of a generalised nuttiness. Don’t tell Johnny Bravo but he does sort of grow on you, doesn’t he? Like a fungus. A fungus that keeps a cool head in a crisis. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say he’s wonderful (you are such a girl sometimes) but he’s…I like him. I actually - has he ever considered applying to the Auror Department? We need cool heads. Something to think about anyway.

And I agree that he’ll be a good father. Hopefully sooner rather than later? I mean, it would be nice if our kids could grow up together. Right?

Oh wait a minute, HarOwld’s here. Apparently Draco’s recovered sufficiently to

Hermione, Harry’s asked me to finish this letter because apparently he’s ‘got something in his eye.’ I mean, right. Like I don’t know he’s bloody crying.

What the fuck is going on with him and Draco? I read your letter and it seems they’re both as much of a mess as each other. Hold on Harry’s just yelling someth- oh right. Apparently he has a lot of unexpected feelings and I can fuck off with my stupid smug face. This from a man two months away from fatherhood.

All I can say is thank goodness Baby Potter’s godfather is a more well-balanced individual. Not. Godric. sometimes I’m amazed that the pair of them are so good under pressure, because the second they start getting emotional they both seem to become utterly pathetic.

Tell Draco Harry’s going to write to him later. And - hold on - OK I have to write this verbatim, apparently: IF YOU TELL STUPID FERRET ANYTHING YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN HERMIONE I WILL PUT SLEEKEAZY OUT OF BUSINESS AND THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY I AM SERIOUS.

I’m sighing. Are you sighing? Honestly.

Love always, Ginny xxxxx

 Later the same day…

Groom with a view,

I guess if Theo needs my help it would be rude of me to refuse. I’m sure I can make myself available.

Yours,

HP

A separate owl to Nott Manor…

Squidboy,

When are you free for a Best Man Plan meeting? Actually, I don’t care. We’re having it tomorrow evening. My place at 7. Bring your fucking A-game.

I mean it.

- HP

Chapter Text

Ginny,

I’ve just seen Theo yesterday and he tells me that Harry’s gotten himself into quite a stir over their co-Best Man duties! (Well, what he actually said was not really appropriate to repeat, but it can be loosely paraphrased as “it’s as if I’ve only just met Draco and Potter’s the only one who could possibly do it justice,” give or take a few dozen expletives.) It’s really quite adorable how much effort both Harry and Draco are putting in to hiding their OBVIOUS devotion to each other. At this rate, our marriages are going to turn out to be startlingly polyamorous. Perhaps it’s best they hated each other for so long; in retrospect, it was really quite kind of the fates to grant us even a few years without the effort required on our parts in facilitating their mutual obsession.

I wondered if I might ask you something; please don’t tell Harry as I haven’t fully gotten a read yet on Draco (and clearly these two have some kind of desperate attachment to each other that I haven’t yet determined if I trust completely) but I wondered if you and Harry had put much thought into whether you both were ready, you know, for … well, see, the thing is, I know the pregnancy was a surprise, of course, but surely you had discussed it before at some point - right? I only ask because Draco and I were talking about

[ letter ends abruptly. ]

Boy Who Best Manned,

Well, my fiancee’s just been kidnapped right before my very eyes and I suspect your wife and her hens are behind it. It was a fairly odd collection (because Granger really doesn’t have any hens of her own, as well you know) and I thought I even saw Loony Lovegood in the mix. I could tell, of course, because while the other boisterous witches were wearing masks, she was wearing that disastrous lion headdress from our school days. How nobody has seen fit to destroy that monstrosity yet is beyond my sensibilities.

I can only hope Pansy isn’t among the fray - Merlin help us all if she is. Take Granger’s inability to properly consume alcohol and mix it with Parkinson’s propensity for trouble and the whole of the wizarding world is set to burn, frankly.

Want to pop over and watch the show? Hell, bring Weasley. I’ve parked myself in front of the fireplace just waiting to see what shape the Brightest Witch of Her Age finds herself in upon her return.

- D

Chapter Text

Nott,

Where are you?! I gave you the bloody signal nearly five minutes ago!! 

- HP

Potter,

Ah yes. The signal. 

As I told you when it was first mentioned, I am a civilised wizard with a modicum of pride, and I refuse to respond to you making bird noises at me down the Floo.

Am I to assume that Granger has been successfully removed from the premises?

- TN

Nott,

Godric, you’re no fun. THE SPARROW HAS FLOWN! Time for the eagles to land! Operation Groomnapping is GO!!!

See you at Malfoy’s in 30 minutes. Tell Zabini. DON’T BE LATE.

- Harry

Potter, 

You are a child. See you in 20.

- T.

36 hours later

HERMY,  MIOn,

okkkayy Herm whtsis Spnash fr twasss like that whenni gothere ohhold

HIMIONE!! IT’SSSS ROOOOOOON. GIVAKIS PANSSY BUH WEVEGOTCHOR FEEEEANCY boooonooooss deeeeyassss

GrAngeerr potttyer hisalrhg nt actureraly qwuite likim luove theo 

PIISSSS OFF YOU LL STOIP MY LETTR LOVEE YOW HRRRYU XXXXX

12 hours after that

Estimada Srta Granger,

My name is Javier and a friend of Señor Potter. He is with your prometido and friends at El Ministerio de Barcelona. I on behalf of Minister request you collect please before further damages caused.

I am to say, that is, if you are recover sufficiently.

Gracias y saludos,

Javier Molina

Chapter Text

Ginny,

Thank you so much for the wonderful bachelorette affair! You are too good to me. I can’t imagine having to

Well, I was going to say I can’t imagine having to be the only sober person in the midst of a group of intoxicated miscreants but it seems I shall be needing to do more than simply imagine it. Excuse me while I fetch our troublesome wizards from Spain.

xo Hermione

Dear Kingsley,

My sincerest apologies. I’m quite sure they had no idea that particular artefact was worth quite so much, or that those animals were not to be released. I’m certain it was an honest mistake. I also had no idea that there was a limit to how many dogs you can walk at one time in Spain! Not that that’s the pressing issue here, of course.

I have remedied relations with the Spanish Ministry to the best of my ability and will continue to monitor the situation. I have been assured that everyone who witnessed the flying vehicle has had their memories modified and that the Spanish Minister has seen fit to overlook the incident. It seems that Auror Molina took to Draco quite quickly, and was happy (or at least, not violently opposed) to negotiate the terms of their return.

I think we will be honeymooning elsewhere, but overall, everyone is walking away unscathed (mostly).

Best,

Hermione

Rita,

I expect I can rely on your assurance that none of this will be in the papers. I presume our established understanding prevails, but in case you needed reminding, here is a lovely antique jar that has been in the Malfoy family for generations.

Use it for jam, if you like. Up to you.

HG

Potter,

Any chance we just sort of sit down quietly in one place for your birthday party?

You’re the worst, by the way.

Thanks for everything.

- Draco

Chapter Text

El Peligro Rubio,

Look, some of us are born great, and it’s only fair that we thrust our greatness upon others. It’s not your fault that you feel awed by my incredible ness STUPIDITY.

You are entirely welcome for the greatest stag party of all time BARCELONA INCIDENT WHICH IS NEVER TO BE REPEATED. Javier says that the damage to the urn wasn’t permanent so really we don’t need to worry ARE BLOODY LUCKY TO HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, and he thought enchanting the car was actually quite a practical way to tour the city without getting snarled up in traffic INCREDIBLY STUPID OF YOU.

Also can you say thank you to Hermione for the erm…damage control BEING THE FUCKING CAVALRY because while I’m sure Nott and I could have handled things WERE ON THE POINT OF CAUSING AN ACTUAL INTERNATIONAL DISASTER it was probably quite helpful ENTIRELY NECESSARY to have someone there who was sober and has a degree in Magical Law ISN’T A TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT.

Anyway, all that considered, I must admit that sitting down quietly somewhere for my birthday sounds very appealing, especially considering that Ginny has, ah, placed me under house arrest for the time being UNTIL HE CAN BE TRUSTED TO BEHAVE LIKE AN ADULT HUMAN.

Perhaps a relaxed evening at Grimmauld? We’ve finished converting the roof terrace, what do you say to a few beers ONE SINGLE BEER and a view over London? Bring the usual suspects NOTT BETTER FUCKING BEHAVE HIMSELF and we’ll make a night of it.

- Harry

PS: Hermione, thank you for everything you did in Barcelona, you truly are a miracle-worker. I’ve edited Harry’s letter to reflect the fact that he is an utter fool. I mean, for the actual sake of fuck, where do you even get seventeen dogs? I ask you… xxxxx Gin

Chapter Text

Boy Who Canceled,

I have to say, I was not thrilled about our previously undefeated team’s loss on Wednesday and I blame you entirely. And the wind, obviously, and my exceptionally light breakfast that day, and naturally I assume someone had to be cheating. But mostly you. Is Lady Ginevra ever going to let you out of her sight? I’m aware the Potter spawn is to be unleashed at any moment but still, it hardly seems fair for me to suffer your own progeny’s tardiness. Though perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised that there’s yet another Potter in the world that is causing me undue distress and inconvenience; it must be genetic.

I have been informed that Granger has asked Ginny to spend the night with her pre-nuptials (attempting not to let my mind wander too dangerously about that, though the last time I saw your wife she was waddling about like a tiny smirking pumpkin and threatening to drown me in the bath, so, effort essentially nil) and assume that means you’re free for a drink with Theo and me?

Can’t believe it’s already time for the wedding, honestly. I fervently hope you’ve ensured that Weasley’s dress robes will be from this century. I imagine that’s Parkinson’s job now, but not to worry; you’ll always be his first love.

- Draco

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Mr Groomtastic,

You’re lucky Gin didn’t see that letter, or she’d have made good on the drowning thing. She’s got this sort of glow about her at the moment - not sure whether she’s actually incandescent with rage or if it’s just pregnancy hormones messing with her magic. But she tried to literally hex my bollocks off when I told her how gorgeous she looked, so that’s what I get for being a supportive husband.

Speaking of which, I was glad to see you in good spirits about tomorrow and not too deeply, as it were, into the spirits. I must admit that Theo and I were a little concerned given the pathetic admirable manner in which you handled the proposal, but I must say you seem remarkably calm.  

Anyway, I’m looking forward to what your mother assures me will be the wedding of the century. Apparently should I, Theo, or anyone else that we have ever spoken to do anything to disrupt it, I will become the Boy Who Died Tragically Young In A Mysterious Accident. Rest assured that the impulse for mischief has never been further from my mind. I can only cope with one homicidal witch coming after me at a time, and my wife has a worrying glint in her eye.

Constant vigilance, as the Late, Great Alastor Moody would have said. 

See you in the morning - Theo and I can’t wait to be your right-hand-prats. Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

- Harry

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The day arrives . . . 

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And er . . . so does Baby Potter . . .

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An Excerpt from the Daily Prophet:

Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger tied the knot last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony attended by their closest family and friends as well as several high profile guests who have long been supportive of the couple. The event was punctuated by the birth of James Sirius Potter, who arrived mid-reception to his parents Harry and Ginevra Potter. Celebrations were cut short as the newly wedded Malfoys chose to join their godson, James, in the delivery room, where the remainder of the wedding cake was consumed.

HG HM,

Here is the transcript you requested from your reception last Saturday. It is my only copy, and as you can see, none of the material from your toast made its way into your formal wedding announcement, per your request. You have once again made your expectations unsettlingly clear, and I am pleased to say I am in no need of any further jars - though do thank Molly Weasley for the jam. A very tasteful touch.

It was a lovely wedding, though I sincerely hope not to see you again anytime soon.

Yours,

Rita Skeeter

Hermione: “Draco and I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of our friends and family for being with us today. You’ve made this day so special.”

Draco: “Yes, too true. Thank you for so generously enjoying the ample entertainment that we have provided.”

Hermione: [Gives him an admonishing look.] “Anyway, we are so thrilled that our marriage has brought so many people together - ”

Draco: “Some less savory than others.” [He coughs, looking at where Ron and Pansy are sitting together; Hermione nudges him in the ribs.] “Ouch!”

Hermione: [mutters to him] “Oh, you’re fine.” [Turns back to the audience.] “As I was saying, we both thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being here, especially to our wedding party - Theo, of course, Harry and Ginny, who unfortunately had to run - ”

Draco: “What?” [Turns to Hermione.] “Where’ve they gone?”

Hermione: [Looks at him in confusion] “Did you somehow manage to miss Ginny going into labor?”

Draco: “She did what?! When?”

Hermione: “Draco!”

Draco: [innocently] “What?”

Hermione: “Ginny and Harry had to rush out of here after his toast - weren’t you paying attention?”

Draco: “To what Lord and Lady Potter were doing? Of course not.”

Hermione: [sighs] “Draco, honestly - ”

Draco: “What, is the baby born, then?”

Hermione: [exasperatedly] “Yes! That’s why we’re doing this now, because we have to go catch them - ”

Draco: “What? Granger! What do you mean catch them?”

Hermione: “Don’t you want to meet James before we leave for our honeymoon?”

Draco: “James? Who the fuck is James?”

Hermione: [makes an incoherent sound of annoyance] “Your godson, you ridiculous - ”

Draco: “James? James what?”

Hermione: [sighs again] “James Sirius. Remember? We talked about that.”

Draco: “Wha- I thought that was a joke! What, was Draco Theodore taken?”

Theo: [loudly] “Eeyyyoooooo!”

Hermione: “Really?” [Turns to him, crossing her arms combatively.] “Why, you think Draco Potter has a nice ring to it?”

Draco: [Looks immediately disgusted] “Oh, Merlin’s bol- “

Hermione: [scandalized] “Draco!”

Draco: [Clears throat] “I mean, no, no, you’re right.” [Grins sheepishly] “That does sound somehow very wrong.”

Hermione: “Honestly in terms of wrongness, if there’s a word that means more than ‘very,’ I’d opt for that.”

Draco: [shrugs] “Fair.”

Hermione: “Anyway.” [Pauses] “Wait. What was I saying?”

Draco: “You were giving some kind of self-congratulatory toast.”

Hermione: “Oh.” [Remembers she is giving a speech] “Oh!” [She turns sheepishly to the crowd] “So, anyway, as I was saying - ”

Draco: [Takes the mic from her] “Listen.” [She tries to take it back from him, but he nudges her away] “I’ve got this, Granger - “

[They struggle for a moment until Narcissa clears her throat quietly. Draco takes advantage of Hermione’s startled pause to smoothly take the microphone in hand, smirking a little.]

Draco: “Friends and family, thank you for being here for us as I married the woman of my dreams.” [He pauses, and a genuine smile crosses his face as he looks at her.] “Well, not dreams, exactly, but - ” [Hermione scowls and he laughs.] “Really, she’s better than I could have dreamed her.”

[The crowd crows in admiration; Draco makes a face.]

Draco: “Stop that.” [He picks up his glass.] “Anyway, I’d like to be able to get Granger out of this dress before we head off to see the most attention-seeking Potter yet - ”

Hermione: “Draco!”

Draco: “What? I’m assuming you’re uncomfortable and need to change!”

[Hermione softens; Draco winks at Theo.]

Draco: “So, a toast to my lovely bride - ” [He raises his glass, and the audience follows.] “To you, Hermione. I will love you the rest of my days.”

[A toast is given; they kiss.]

Draco: “And now, to see a baby, because that is what one wishes on one’s wedding night.”

Hermione: “And Harry.”

Draco: “Ah, fuck me.” [Smiles fondly] “And Harry.”

FIN

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Harry Potter was brought to you by Dr Sally Sparrow, a tiny, British person who wears hats, drinks black coffee, and has a mouth like a sailor. Her works are available exclusively on fanfiction.net here, as well as drsallysparrow. . 

Draco Malfoy was brought to you by Olivie Blake, a deceptively not-tall American person who also drinks black coffee and has a mouth like a sailor but decidedly does not have the face for hats. She can be found on AO3, FFN, and tumblr.

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Epistles, as read by the authors: [ MP3 ]

Click to listen and download via Dropbox.

Hope you enjoy! Have the happiest of Christmases,
xx Salivie