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Chapter Text

But you're so full of shit, uh
Tell me it's a bit, oh
Say you don't see it, your mind's polluted
Say you wanna quit, don't be stupid

BIRDS OF A FEATHER - Billie Eilish
(1:55)

---

James loved people easily. It wasn't hard or weird for him to say the words or to acknowledge the feeling. It wasn't a big deal. He loved his mum. He loved his dad. He loved Marlene. He loved Mary. He loved Lily. He loved Peter. He loved Remus. He loved Sirius. Those were just facts. 

He didn't care that some people might not say it back so easily, like Sirius and Remus. He was quite aware of how good his life was compared to theirs. Sirius grew up in an abusive, evil household. Remus was a werewolf who grew up in a neglectful household (and who may have been in multiple gangs, although he'd never confirmed it...).

James had grown up in a loving household. A household full of kisses and hugs and reassurances. His parents didn't hate him, didn't despise him. He had known love all his life, had never been hurt except for the few times he'd scraped his knees.

That's why the situation he was in right now was particularly hard.

The thing was, he missed Sirius. So bad. He missed his barking laugh, his mischievous smirk, his dramatic flair, his glinting eyes. James missed his brother. He knew that Remus could see it, James could see the dullness in Remus's eyes, the bitterness. It tore James's heart to shreds. But he loved and loved and loved and loved, and therefore he missed. 

James didn't think he was capable of hating. Because he should've hated Sirius, he should've wanted to never see him again. But he did. He longed for everything to be normal again, to forgive Sirius for what he did. For Moony to forgive Sirius so that James could too. It wasn't fair of him, James knew. What Sirius had done was betrayal. He'd told bloody Snape about Remus. He could have ruined Remus's life, he could have made Remus a killer.

Remus had every right to hate Sirius. James just didn't know if he could, too.

---

James stared at the empty space where Sirius's bed used to stand. It had been moved to another room after that night. Sirius had detention for the rest of the school year and he had been kicked off the quidditch team. James felt it was deserved, but that didn't mean his heart didn't still clench when he scored a goal and didn't have Sirius beside him to high five. It didn't mean it didn't still hurt to have to live without him. Sirius didn't sit with them in the great hall anymore either. Remus would promptly stand up and walk away if he did, and James and Peter would follow.

It was their last day at Hogwarts before the summer. It was six weeks after the incident, but the three of them hadn't really talked about it. Remus had been pulling himself back, hanging out with Lily, Mary and Marlene more than with James and Peter. Remus had always been quite the ladies man, but the amount of time he was with them now was, frankly, ridiculous. Sometimes James thought that if Peter and him were to hang out with Sirius again, Remus wouldn't even notice. James would never do that, of course. But it was weird. He was on Remus's side, but Remus didn't seem to be aware.

He was short with them. Not irritated or mad, but it wasn't like before. It wasn't like when he would roll his eyes fondly at their antics. Now he just rolled his eyes. James didn't know what to do. He felt like he didn't know anything anymore.

"You can forgive him, you know?" Remus's voice pulled James out his thoughts, his eyes jerking up from where he had been staring at the empty space in their dorm. Remus was sat by the window, the sleeves of his crinkled white school shirt rolled up to his elbows. His forearms were littered with white, faded scars. He was smoking a fag casually, hanging it out of the window so their room wouldn't stink up. He sounded relaxed, but James could see the tightness in eyes, the stiffness of his posture.

"I don't want to," James said stubbornly. They'd had this conversation before. James was lying, of course, but just because he wanted to didn't mean he should. James knew that. In their first few years at Hogwarts, Remus had mentioned multiple times about how he and Peter were basically just honorary Marauders. He'd always said it casually, like everybody knew it, but it always made James's heart clench. He didn't think of Remus and Peter that way at all. They were his best friends, he loved them. James and Sirius were just similar people, they just clicked really well. That didn't mean Remus and Peter weren't really a part of their group. Not in his eyes.

And now Remus was telling James he could forgive Sirius because he thought that James didn't care about him, that James was just choosing Remus's side to be righteous. But James didn't do it to be righteous. Fuck being righteous, honestly. Sirius had hurt Remus, that's why James chose Remus's side. He cared about Remus. Remus just couldn't seem to get that. For someone who was quite intelligent, Remus could be really dumb sometimes.

Remus sighed, letting his head fall back and closing his eyes. He looked tired. "James.. I know you miss him, it's obvious. He's basically your brother, and I'm keeping you away from him while he didn't even do anything to you. I've been selfish long enough."

James frowned. "Moony, that's not what you're doing. You're not selfish-"

"I'm tearing your friendship apart, James!" 

"That's not your fault, that's his." James insisted. Remus looked at him, silent, something melancholic shining in his eyes. His eyes looked like that all the time, these days, and James hated it.

Remus closed his eyes again, turning his head away from James. The air suddenly felt thick, and James's heart began thumping against his rib cage wildly, though he didn't quite know why. He had a bad feeling about the defeated look on Remus's face. About the way Remus's hand was turning white gripping the hem of his shirt, about the way he took a particularly long drag from his cigarette. Something felt wrong.

And then Remus began talking.

"When I woke up after that night, I felt disappointed," he began, not looking James in the eye. "not at Sirius or at Snape. I felt disappointed because.. because I woke up, I guess," James reared back, his heart sinking to his stomach. "I felt disappointed because, after years of trying to convince myself that I wasn't like other werewolves, that I was still good, that I wasn't a monster... I was proven wrong."

"Remus, that's not-" James began to interrupt, pretty sure that he'd have a heart attack if Remus went on. "I was hungry for your blood James. I was ready to kill you, maybe to even turn you. I licked your and Snape's blood off the floor and I made myself bleed just to have more. When I woke up, I was disappointed that I hadn't made myself bleed too much. I still am, sometimes." Remus looked him in the eye then, with a completely neutral look on his face as if he wasn't turning James's world, as if he wasn't tearing James's heart apart. As if what he was confessing to was a completely normal thing. As if it was normal to feel like this.

"Sirius did that to me. Did Sirius make you feel like wanting to die? Did Sirius make you realize that you're not even human, not something worth living?" maybe Remus wanted James to answer, but he was shocked into silence. "You could never hate him the way I do, James. You don't even hate him, you're not even fucking capable of it. You think that after a few months, we'll make up and everything will be normal again, that we'll forget it ever happened. But I won't ever forget. And you'll stay by my side, and you'll resent me for taking you away from him. Don't you bloody see? I'm not like you, I'm not like any of you. But you and Sirius? You are like each other, and so you'll leave to go back to him. So I'm sparing the both of us the pain already. I'm telling you to go back to him, because eventually you will anyway."

A pause followed. James didn't know what to say. What to do. What could he do? Remus had wanted to.. maybe even still wanted to.. to not wake up. How could James show him how incredible he was? How deserving of life and love he was? How could James tell him that he'd never just leave Remus or resent him?

 And then Remus talked again, tearing James's world apart even further.

"I'm not coming back to Hogwarts after this summer, James. Go back to Sirius, I won't be here to see it, anyways."

That snapped James out of his shock. Remus was leaving? He couldn't do that. Why would he do that? "What? Remus, no. Moony, we can fix this, I swear. Don't leave, Moons, c'mon. This isn't- This isn't the end. Sirius didn't make me feel like that, and maybe I don't hate him, but I'm so angry at him. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could make you feel better, I wish I could help you. Things will get better, though, I swear. Just- Don't leave us, Moony, please-"

"I'm heading to bed, g'night mate," Remus interrupted his pleas, tossing his fag out of the window and getting up. He said it like it was just any other night, like he didn't just break James's heart. Like he didn't just say things no one should ever have to say, like he didn't just give James bloody heart problems.

James had always been the one to calm Sirius and Remus down when they got into a fight. He was always the one to fix it. To fix whatever got in their way. To fix Sirius and Remus when they were sad. But he didn't know how to fix this. Now that he thought about it, maybe he hadn't ever really fixed anything. Remus thought he was a monster. James hadn't told him enough times that he wasn't. He hadn't fixed it. 

He didn't know if he could.

Chapter Text

I want you to stay
'Til I'm in the grave
'Til I rot away, dead and buried
'Til I'm in the casket you carry

BIRDS OF A FEATHER - Billie Eilish
(0:00)

---

"I've already been signed out of Hogwarts, James. Whatever you'll say now won't matter," Remus said tiredly. They were boarding the train back to Kings Cross, and James was still attempting to get Remus to stay at Hogwarts. He'd basically been going on all night and morning.

"I don't care, we'll sign you back in. You can't just leave to some muggle school, you're a wizard!"

"Like any other wizarding school would ever accept me for what I am," Remus huffed, "and it's not like I'll ever get a job in the wizarding world anyway. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bloody monster," Remus hissed, throwing himself into an empty carriage and slumping into one of the seats. "You're not! You're one of the brightest wizards in our year and you're kinder than most people, Moony," James was quick to argue back.

"Me, kind? You're fucking kidding yourself, James. You know, I don't even know what you were thinking, befriending a dark creature. But I guess you and Black just loved the thrill of it, didn't you? Loved having a secret to whisper about, loved having a tamed monster on your side. Well, you don't anymore, because fuck all you posh, perfect purebloods! I'm done with your fake little world, I'm leaving and there's nothing you can bloody do about it, so you can stop pretending to even care!" Remus snapped hotly, suddenly very irritated. He knew he wasn't being fair. At the moment, though, he didn't care.

"Excuse me? We turned into bloody animagi for you, we took care of you on full moons, we celebrated your birthday, we wrote to you, we called you and did so much more, and what did you ever do, Remus? You yelled and snapped and snarled anytime we tried getting close, you didn't write or call back. You're a shitty fucking friend! And now you're saying that we don't care? You're the one bloody leaving, and now you're trying to blame it on me whilst you're just a fucking coward!" James seethed.

"Don't you think I know what a shit friend I am, what a shit person I am? I've made it so easy for you to leave! I pushed you away, I told you to go back to Sirius, but you didn't because you just had to keep your righteous act up, didn't you James? You're Gryffindor's golden boy, you can't just leave the poor, pitiful werewolf alone! How noble of you, Potter!" Remus snarled back, getting up and towering over James.

"You're impossible, Lupin! What do you want? Why aren't you ever happy, why can't anyone do anything right?" James yelled back, exasperated.

"What I want is for you to bloody leave me alone."

"You know what? Fine! I'll go back to Sirius and we'll see how long it takes until you come crawling back. Have fun making new friends at your new bloody school!" and with that, James stormed out of the carriage. Remus sank back down onto the seats slowly, running a hand over his scarred face. He had hurt James's feelings, he had said some shitty things. He didn't care that James had said shit back, because James had been right. Remus was a coward, he was impossible and he was a shit friend. The only thing he'd ever really done was cause fights between them all. And now he had yelled at James.

It didn't matter, he told himself, trying to believe it. It's not like he'd ever see them again, anyway.

---

James hadn't told Sirius yet. He'd spent all summer hanging out with him, trying to avoid the topic of Remus Lupin, but that proved to be hard around Sirius. James had never really noticed it before, how much Sirius brought Moony up, but all summer long it was "do you think Remus will forgive me?" and "does Remus know you forgave me?" and "Moons would like this" and "I'm nervous to see Remus again" and "do you reckon Moony's okay?" and "was Moony still really mad?" and on and on it went.

It made James nervous to tell Sirius that their Moony wasn't coming back. For now he'd just given some made up answers. "Yes, Remus'll forgive you" and "yeah, he knows" and "he would like this, yes" and "I get it, but it'll be okay" and "yea, probably just enjoying the summer, y'know" and "nah, he wasn't really". 

Mostly he just avoided answering. He felt like shit after yelling at Moony like that. Remus had obviously been struggling with this whole mess, and James had taken his own feelings out on him. No good friend did that. He'd gathered up enough courage to ring Remus's house once, but the line had disconnected. With a pit in his stomach, James had realized that Remus had mentioned that they were moving closer to his new school. Remus hadn't mentioned where his new school was or what it's name was. 

James had no way of contacting or finding Remus. He had been about ready to cry after realizing that, because it meant that there was no way of ever fixing this again, of ever getting Moony back. Because how could he convince someone to come back without even knowing where they are?

They were on the train now. Sirius had spent an hour on his hair and had picked out his best outfit. He was practically vibrating next to James from the nerves and excitement to see Remus again. Peter was excited to have their group reunited, too, smiling broadly and eyeing the door, expecting to see Remus walk through any second.

"A bit on the late side, isn't he?" Sirius said casually, but James could hear the underlying nerves. He had to break the news to him, James realized. He had dreaded it all summer. Sirius would be devastated. But James had to tell him.

"Lads, I've actually.. I've actually got to tell you something," he began, looking down at his shoes. "Well, what is then, mate?" Sirius said, immediately intrigued. James couldn't bring himself to look into his best mate's eyes. He took a deep breath.

"Remus isn't coming back to Hogwarts."

James could instantly feel Sirius freeze up beside him, could hear the way Peter let out a small, shocked breath, could feel the realization setting in.

"What?" Peter eventually breathed out.

"He- he went to some other school. A muggle one. I tried to get him to stay, but.. well, he didn't.. he isn't coming back," James choked out, glancing at Sirius, who wasn't even looking at him. His grey eyes were staring off into space, his figure suddenly very stiff. "We- well, we fought about it. We said some shitty things to each other. And I tried to call him, but he moved for the new school. I.. I don't know where to." James admitted, and he winced when Sirius's eyes flickered to him. There was something desperate behind the familiar grey, like he was waiting for James to say "kidding!" and pull Remus out of his bag or something.

"So we have no way to find him? To talk to him?" Sirius eventually croaked out.

"No,"  James whispered regretfully.

Silence fell over their carriage. The train started to move, and no one said another word until they arrived. The sweet smell of chocolate from the trolley reminded them cruelly of who they were missing in the empty spot beside Peter. Reminded them of the smell of books and forest.

--

"Alright Potter, Black, Pettigrew? You guys finally made up, then? And where's the tall bastard?" Mary greeted casually, sliding into the bench opposite of them in the great hall. Lily and Marlene followed shortly after. "Yeah, where is Remus? I like him the best out of you lot," Marlene laughed, oblivious to the crestfallen looks on the boys' faces.

"He's pissed off to some muggle school," Sirius snarled. James winced at the viciousness in his tone. Sirius was coping by being mad at Remus, which was.. understandable, but Remus didn't really deserve it. Remus had had all the right in the world to leave, James knew. That didn't mean it didn't hurt, though.

The girls blinked at Sirius in shock. "What'd you mean?" Lily then asked, a worried frown on her face. James knew that she had been particularly close with Remus. They often studied together and Remus had basically become friends with her before he'd become proper friends with James, Sirius and Peter. Before Sirius could react to Lily with another snarl, James quickly spoke up. "He went to another school, mostly because of our.. fight."

Lily and Marlene looked like they were about to burst into tears. Mary looked sad, but most of all she seemed mad. She'd always been very firey, and could be proper furious if given a good enough reason. Marlene, despite being less feminine than her friends, and Lily had softer personalities.

"Are you fucking serious? You wankers! He's our friend!" Mary yelled, to which Sirius immediately bristled angrily. "You were never even as close to him as we were, you don't know him at all!"

"Sod off, Black! We hung out almost every week. He wasn't just yours, you know? Just because you're so little minded that you don't see girls as actual people that you can be friends with doesn't mean Remus was!" Lily cut in, her cheeks flushed red.

"What are you on about, Evans? We're literally friends with you lot!"

"Like hell we are!" Mary spat, promptly getting up. "You don't even want to know how often Remus complained about you to us. How you were always bugging him. It's no bloody wonder that you would scare him off. But to even make him transfer schools? Consider me impressed, Black. You're really an A-level, small-dicked idiot!" she stormed away with Lily and Marlene in tow before Sirius could scream something horrible back.

Sirius was gripping his cutlery so hard his knuckles were turning white as he stared after the girls angrily. "Pads-" James began, wanting to calm him down, but Sirius shot him a glare so cold that James snapped his mouth shut. "Don't. Just- Don't. She was right, it is my fault."

"Sirius.." 

But Sirius was already leaving, walking out of the hall with a stiff posture.

James didn't know how he could fix this. How could their friend group be whole without Remus? Remus was the glue holding them together, not only the Marauders and the girls, but just the Marauders too. With his sensible thoughts and smart ideas. With his snarky quips and intimidating looks. With his amused eye rolls and small smirks.

But now the glue was gone, and they were falling apart, and James didn't know what to do.

Chapter Text

But I see her in the back of my mind
All the time
Like a fever, like I'm burning alive
Like a sign

Did I cross the line?

WILDFLOWER - Billie Eilish
(1:05)

---

Sirius went through a lot of phases in a really short amount of time. In three weeks, he'd already had an angry phase, an 'I don't care' phase, a quiet phase and an 'I'll distract myself by snogging loads of girls' phase. Right now he seemed.. fairly normal. Maybe a bit more quiet, but still good old Sirius. And at least he was back in their dorm again.

James didn't know what phase he was in. He'd say the guilty phase, but he actually thought that everyone was in that one. Sirius felt guilty for the prank, James felt guilty for the fight with Remus and Peter felt guilty for not having been there for Remus enough. But overall, they just tried to act normal now. Tried to ignore the empty bed which had yet to be removed or filled by a replacement. Tried to ignore talking about books. Or moons. Or wolves. Or chocolate. Or scars. Or tea with too much sugar.

The girls didn't help with their whole 'trying to be normal' idea. They glared at them every time they passed each other and snarked at them. Sirius always got wound up about it, and James and Peter would have to deal with his shitty mood for the rest of the day. Even when that didn't happen, days were dull and exhausting. It was exhausting to pretend like you weren't missing someone. It was exhausting to deal with the guilt and emptiness of it. 

So, when days were already tiring without a bunch of Slytherins, James could already feel the headache coming up when they ran into the Slytherins for the first time since summer break. It was Barty Crouch who called out and approached them, with a bored looking Regulus Black and some others in tow.

"Oi, Potter! Where'd ugly scarface go? He get send away to the loony bin?" the boy called out, smirking. James could instantly feel anger brewing in his stomach. The Slytherins (and even students from other houses) had always made comments about Remus's scars, and the Marauders were always quick to defend him. It always made James so angry, though. Because Remus had went through so much, had gotten those scars in such a painful way, and people dared make jokes about them?

"Shut up, Crouch. Does your daddy know you got a 20% in DADA? Was he disappointed in his wittle bwaby?" James spat back. Crouch narrowed his eyes, clearly displeased that that particular grade had spread around the school like a wildfire. "Or has he heard about how you're walking around looking like some small-cocked virgin with that new haircut of yours?" Sirius added, sniggering. No one knew if it had been an accident or a prank, but Crouch had recently gotten a ridiculous new hairstyle.

 Crouch stuttered a bit, caught off guard, before gathering his wits. He smirked smugly at them, like he had already won the fight. It made something in James want to punch that smirk right off his face.  "So he did get send away, didn't he? Bloody freak that Lupin was! I swear someone ought to send that monster-" 

Barty Crouch's nose met Sirius Black's fist, and a crack echoed through the hall. James mused that if he were here, Remus would've rolled his eyes and corrected Sirius's punching form, because somehow Moony knew how to fight.

"What the fuck!?" some other Slytherin immediately jumped forward toward Sirius, but James stuck his leg out quickly, tripping the guy and making him land flat on his forehead. Before anyone else could attack, professor Mcgonagall was approaching them. James's shoulders sagged. He would've liked to punch someone, too.

"Students! Stop this at once," she ordered, and Sirius and James reluctantly stepped back from the injured Slytherins. McGonagall eyed them briefly before sending Crouch and the other Slytherin to the infirmary. The other Slytherins followed their housemates angrily, glaring at James and Sirius.

"Mr. Potter, mr. Black, would you please care to explain yourself?" 

"They started it-" Sirius immediately began, but McGonagall cut him off. "Yet you two are not the ones bleeding," she observed, raising an eyebrow at them. "They were insulting Remus! Said he was a freak and called him loony!" James argued. He normally didn't mind getting punished for their antics, but those Slytherins had deserved it!

McGonagall's lips drew into a thin line, and she looked at them wearily. "I'll let you go unpunished, because I understand you are both still emotional over mr. Lupin's leaving. But no more fighting!"

James and Sirius shrugged, sharing a glance. They'd gladly beat Crouch up again if he ever said anything about Moony again. McGonagall didn't need to know that, though.

---

"I just miss him. And I don't even deserve to."

"Yeah. Same, mate."

---

The girls were becoming less mean, which was a relief. They sat together at meals again, but they refused to use their technique and avoid the topic of Remus. Sirius would freeze up when one of them said something about Remus, but he wouldn't snap. He would just get quiet. James hated it, but he had to admit that it felt good to hear someone talking about Remus. Sometimes it felt like Moony was bloody dead with how Sirius avoided talking about him. But Sirius was warming up about it a little bit, thankfully. They'd sometimes have conversations about Remus with just the two of them. So really, the girls talking about him wasn't that bad.

It did feel like a punch in the gut if they were talking about missing him, though. It was fine if one of them just said something like "oh, Remus told me once that.." but when they said something like "I wish Remus were here.." it would feel like someone was squeezing his throat shut. He didn't want to acknowledge the fact that Remus being gone had affected other people. And that James had caused that, partly. It was incredibly selfish of him, he knew. He just couldn't stand it.

When they were asking questions about what had happened, though, that was even worse. James guessed he could count it lucky that Sirius wasn't around when Lily began asking again one day.

"C'mon, he was our friend too. He left because of you lot and you won't even tell us why!" 

How could James tell her that by telling her, he would be making the same mistake that had started this whole mess in the first place?

"It's a private thing, Lily. Remus told us very explicitly he didn't want us to tell anyone," James ran a hand through his hair. He didn't really understand how Lily always seemed so loyal to Remus until it was about this. He'd thought that she would understand that by telling her he would betray Remus.

"That's bullshit, what could have been so bad about a fight?"

"Well it was bad enough to make him bloody leave, so I'm not telling you if he didn't want me to!" he snapped, perhaps a bit aggressively. He was just tired of having to make all these choices. Did he tell Lily and hurt Remus, or protect Remus and hurt Lily?

It seemed like he had already made the choice, though, because Lily was already storming off. James's heart clenched. He was so irritable these days, he hated it. But he couldn't help it. He missed Moony.

He loved and loved and loved and loved, and therefore he missed.

---

"D'you reckon he likes his new school?"

"'Course, he's the biggest swot we know. He'd like any school."

---

Halloween was already approaching and the Marauders hadn't executed a single prank yet. It was a new record. They'd made an unspoken agreement that it didn't feel right to do a prank without Remus, especially because Remus was the one who had made the Marauders map. It didn't feel right to do anything without Remus anymore.

That didn't mean that they weren't going to get pissed on Halloween, though. They were already planning their costumes and how to get the booze for the enormous party they were going to be throwing in the Gryffindor common room.

James was going as a ghost (boring! -Sirius), Peter was going as a clown (yeah, that checks out -Sirius) and Sirius was going as David Bowie. He'd arranged to borrow Mary's makeup for it and had overall thrown himself into organizing the party, likely to try and get some feeling of normalcy back again. He was determined to feel whole again. 

James wondered if it was working, because for him it surely wasn't.

-

James should have expected to be laying outside on the damp grass with Sirius during the Halloween party. They were both pissed. They had both cried at some point, probably. They looked at the stars, and Sirius pointed out his own star to James. (James had already spotted it, but he let Sirius explain to him where it was anyway.)

"Sometimes I feel like this is all just a nightmare. Sometimes I can't believe I really lost him,"

James turned to Sirius, with his ridiculous outfit and makeup. The products were smudged, and his hair was tangled and there were a million things about Sirius Black that you could have noticed at that very moment, but James noticed the look in his eyes. They were full of guilt, of regret, of grief, of desperation.

James felt like he was looking into a reflection of his own eyes.

Chapter Text

'Cause I loved you then and I love you now
And I don't know how
Guess it's hard to know when nobody else comes around
If I'm getting over you
Or just pretending to
Be alright, convince myself I hate you

Male Fantasy - Billie Eilish
(0:51)

---

James got the highest grades he'd ever gotten at the end of first term. It was likely because he hadn't got into trouble even once, hadn't even pulled a prank once. Hell, they'd only broke curfew once in the entire term! Remus was making swots of them even when he wasn't here. Despite the fact that Remus wasn't here, though, things were slowly starting to feel at least  a little more normal again. James couldn't decide if he was happy about it or not. Because he should miss Remus. He shouldn't feel normal without him. Right?

Christmas felt emptier than ever without Remus, though it was still the liveliest week since the start of term. The months leading to Christmas had flown by in a dull haze, but Christmas felt somewhat normal again. They exchanged gifts, they went home, Peter visited a lot, they hung out, they ate Effie's delicious Christmas dinner, they listened to music.

After the break was over, James felt sick when he realized he'd been trying (and succeeding) to forget about Remus.

---

"I just realized why this term has sucked so bad. We've been having to do our own homework with no Moony to give us the answers."

"Yeah, and no way Evans'll ever do it. Well, maybe she would, but I'm too scared to ask honestly."

---

They pranked the Slytherins halfway through January. They'd used the Marauders map and one of the plans the four of them had come up with last year. James didn't think he'd ever felt so guilty about a prank.

(He'd betrayed Moony. He'd hurt him. Again. Again. Again. Again.)

---

"How would we ever even do that, Pads?" James sighed, trying to focus on his potions essay but failing miserably with Sirius bothering him every second.

"Do what?" Mary's voice suddenly cut in, so close to James's ear that he jumped, spilling his ink over his essay. "Find Moony, of course," Sirius explained while James grumbled about his ruined homework. Sirius had been going on about finding Remus for a few days now, but James seriously doubted their ability to. Remus could have done it, the smart ass, but obviously they couldn't ask Remus for help.

"Hm.. it would be hard. But it's worth trying, isn't it Potter?" Mary said, but she didn't wait for an answer before calling Lily, Marlene and Peter over. "What is it?" Marlene asked as they sat down. James put his homework away. He wouldn't finish it, anyway.

"We're gonna find Remus." Sirius declared, already pulling out a piece of paper and a quill. "Any ideas how?" immediately, everyone began suggesting things. James had the feeling that everyone had already thought about it before.

"Ask McGonagall? Maybe Remus told her where his new school was."

"Try to trace his magic? Even if it's a muggle school, he'd still leave traces of magic around."

"Ask the people that moved into his old house if they still have contact. People often keep in contact for if their mail gets sent to their old address by accident!"

And on and on it went. By the end of the evening Sirius had filled both sides of the paper, underlining the ones that were the best. "I don't think McGonagall would tell us, even if Remus had told her.. I say we do Lily's idea first," Sirius decided, observing the paper thoughtfully. James hadn't seen him so serious about something in weeks.

"What was that one again?" Peter asked. "We go to his old house and ask the new residents if they still have contact. If they're muggles it's a big chance they have Remus's father's phone number or even address!" Lily explained. James hadn't ever really thought about it before, that you'd keep contact with the people who bought your house in case old mail gets send there, but Lily had moved once and it had happened multiple times to them, she said.

It was worth a try.

"So when will we go, then? We could-" Mary began.

"This weekend," interrupted Sirius, who immediately received a glare from Mary for having cut her off. "We can't just skive off school! We can do it during Easter break, right?" Lily argued. Sirius didn't seem happy about it, frowning, but the majority agreed with Lily.

James didn't want to feel too excited about their plan, there was a big chance it'd fail and then they still wouldn't ever find Moony, but he couldn't help but feel giddy. He couldn't wait until Easter Break.

---

"Do you think he'd give me a black eye if we actually found him?"

"Probably."

(At that moment, they didn't know yet that it'd actually be a broken nose)

---

They agreed to visit Remus's old address on the second day of Easter break, much to Sirius's chagrin.

 "Why not the first day? Don't you all want to find Moony?" Sirius huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Because we still have to go home first, Black. We can't just disappear without even going to say hi to our parents," Marlene said, not bothered by Sirius's grumpy glare and continuing to read her book.

"Fine, but we go early! At least 8 o'clock."

"That's fine! Right, guys?" James quickly said. Everyone was eager to find Remus, obviously, but Sirius had been completely fixated on it, and it was noticeably getting on everyone's nerves. James really didn't want a fight to break out just before they might find Remus. Not only would it be tiring, Remus would undoubtedly notice. James's goal was to convince Remus to come back, not to remind him of their spats.

"Yeah, s'fine," Peter said, to which everyone nodded, thankfully. James let out a breath. Their plan was set, their date was set, their time was set. Now he could only hope they'd find Moony.

---

When the day finally arrived, Sirius woke James at 6:30, claiming he hadn't been able to sleep and needed something to do. James himself hadn't slept very well either, jittery with nerves. His mum and dad thought they were going to see a movie. James could have told them the truth, but for some reason he hadn't really felt like it. Usually he never lied to his parents, but the thought of telling them about the plan and coming back without any news or only bad news.. James couldn't stand it. Let alone even properly explaining the whole mess.

James and Sirius pulled on their shoes and went out to the small quidditch pitch in James's yard. The stars shone above them, slightly more muted than at Hogwarts because of the light pollution from the city. Of course, Sirius (the star) still sparkled the brightest in the sky. Whenever James happened to be outside in the night, Sirius's star was the first thing he ever looked for. Somehow it comforted him to know that wherever he was, Sirius would always be there, attracting attention from everyone just like always by being the brightest out of everyone.

"Shit," Sirius then muttered from beside where James was laying on the grass.

"What is it?"

"'s a full moon," Sirius said, immediately drawing James's eyes to the moon. Sirius was right. To anyone else it might have been considered lucky to happen to see the full moon one night, but James could instantly feel knots forming in his stomach. Screams and wails rung in his ears, flashes of limbs reforming shot across his eyes. He saw one of his best friends, sick and injured and with big bags under his eyes. He saw one of his best friends, telling James that he thought he was a monster. That maybe he didn't deserve to wake up.

"Remus.. Remus told me something else that night," James started, hesitant, but it had been weighing heavy on his heart ever since Remus had told him about it. He just needed to tell someone. He needed Sirius to know.

"Told me that.. that sometimes he didn't want to wake up, 'specially after the.. the thing. The prank."

When Sirius didn't respond, James turned his head to look at him. His grey eyes were shut, and James felt his stomach clench when he found the tears glistening on Sirius's cheeks. James had only seen Sirius cry twice before; once when he'd showed up on James's doorstep after being tortured by his family, and once just a day after the prank, in the common room while he'd probably thought everyone was already asleep, alone and biting down on his knuckles to muffle his sobs.

"It's my fault, Prongs. It's all my fault. I can't- Sometimes I just wish that he'd been more angry, that he would've hit me, or something. That he'd done anything! Anything but this, anything but leave," Sirius wiped his hands over his eyes, leaving them there for a moment and digging the heels of his palms into his eye sockets before turning to meet James's eyes. "Why didn't he just hit me, why did he have to make me feel like this?"

"He's not like that, Padfoot. He wouldn't want to hurt you, or any of us." James said, gently.

"Then why'd he leave?"

"He.. he was just upset, and he was trying to help."

Sirius didn't talk for a while, then.

"Did he really say that? That he didn't.. didn't wanna wake up?" he asked eventually, his voice small.

"Yeah."

Sirius took a big breath in, holding it for a while before eventually releasing it. 

"I don't know how you forgave me, James. Because I wouldn't have forgiven myself for making Moony feel like that. Ever."

"You don't know yourself well enough, then. Because you're worth it, Sirius. You and Remus, you both are."

James hadn't ever been more sure of something.

Chapter Text

Gold-winged angel
Go home, don't tell
Anyone what you are
You're sacred and they're starved
And their art is gettin' dark
And there you are to tear apart
Tear apart, tear apart, tear apart

GOLDWING - Billie Eilish
(1:17)

---

The new town that was now Remus's home was, frankly, not for the weak. It reeked of alcohol and weed and was crowded with gangs and junkies. Remus had no other options though, seeing as this was the only town where his dad had been able to get a good enough job to take care of them. When Remus had been at Hogwarts, his father hadn't needed to earn as much money seeing as Hogwarts obviously fed Remus and gave him a place to sleep. Now that Remus went to a muggle school, they'd had to change some things.

It wasn't all that bad, though. Remus had been in a gang before, mostly just to piss his father, who Remus didn't have the best relationship with, off. He knew how to fight, how to roll a joint, how to take some harder drugs than anything you'd be able to find at Hogwarts, how to make sure you wouldn't become anyone's target, how to not get beaten to death or mugged. He had created some enemies at school, but he'd also scared a lot of people off quickly. Only the most arrogant idiots messed with him, and when they did Remus just scared them off again. Most didn't come close enough to knock it out, though, what with Remus's height and scars.

He mostly just tried to focus on his schoolwork, determined to get through school without too much trouble. He'd even made two friends, Dave and Tomas (ha, take that, James), who were, like him, not looking for too much trouble.

Remus knew, though, that if anyone at school ever got a whiff of the fancy posh school he used to go to, he'd immediately become a target. It was weird, having to switch back and forth between his rough accent at school and normal accent at home. He was scared he'd slip up, mostly at school. Gangs and rough kids like the ones at school were nothing if not vicious toward fancy people. Most were probably just jealous, but jealousy could turn people into nasty beings.

The fact that he had a somewhat secure spot in the school's ranks didn't mean he didn't have to deal with some guys every other week, though. There was this one group with a dickhead for a leader called Vince that really had it out for Remus. Vince was almost as tall as Remus and definitely bulkier, but the guy had no technique when it came to fighting. They'd only gotten into a brawl once, though Remus was sure another one was soon to happen.

It was all familiar, the fighting, the smoking, the nastiness, but Remus hated it. First of all, he couldn't ever use magic anymore. Second of all, he didn't have anyone to spend the full moons with anymore, and a moon didn't go by where Remus didn't earn a new scar. Lastly, he didn't like fighting and smoking. He'd smoke a cigarette occasionally at Hogwarts, but that was because he wanted to, not just to look like he fit in. And yeah, he'd socked Barty Crouch and Severus Snape at Hogwarts, but it was different. Those times a fist fight wasn't always a looming threat, it wasn't always something to be prepared for. Remus had just lost his temper a few times, and it hadn't even become a full on fist fight. Now it was different. Everything was.

Most of all though, he missed his friends (even Sirius, he realized). He could be himself around his friends, he liked who he had become at Hogwarts. He liked being a swot, he liked pulling pranks. He didn't like who he was, now. 

Although he wasn't sure he ever really had, anyway.

---

"Oi, you sharin'?"

Remus sighed, taking a long drag from his fag before looking the boy in front of him. It was Pete, a big guy with a shaved head and a long tattoo engulfing his right arm. Beside him was his girlfriend, Eleanor, who would sleep with anyone if they had some cocaine for her. Her pretty face was ruined by the gauntness of her cheeks and the bloodshot in her eyes. Still, her hair was perfectly styled and her clothes were something straight out of a stripclub. 

"Nah," Remus answered, glancing at Pete before looking away indifferently. He might have shared, he certainly had the fags to spare, but not with someone like Pete, who probably kicked puppies just for the fun of it.

"Wasn't really a question, mate," Pete moved his coat away slightly, making the sun hit the silver of the blade that was tucked into his trousers. Remus was honestly surprised that Pete would be willing to risk a fight just for some cigarettes from a kid he didn't even know. Remus hadn't ever interacted with him before, hadn't even really thought about him, although most people saw Pete as some sort of king.

"I don' care. Piss off, and take your bitch with you," Remus snapped, taking delight in the way Pete's expression soured. Eleanor didn't look offended at all, probably used to it by now and too high to notice anyway. Remus didn't really like it, offending girls like that, but it was common among gangs and it was a good way of letting someone know you weren't gonna take their shit.

"Y'know, Lupin? It's 'bout time someone taught you a lesson. You think you can just walk 'round here like you own the place, huh? 'Course, you think you do, you posh twat. You think you rich people are so much better than us.." Pete took out his blade, grinning. Remus threw his cigarette to the ground, putting it out with his foot and tensing up for a fight. How the hell did this guy know Remus wasn't from the streets? That information was not something he'd like to be known. At all.

"Ha, yeah. I've heard the rumors 'bout your fighting, Lupin. Got a mean punch, don't ya? That's why I brought backup, 'course," Pete sneered as five guys turned the corner, all ten times bulkier and meaner than Remus. They didn't carry any weapons, but they wouldn't need to. Remus was heavily outnumbered, and by the way Pete was smirking, these guys knew it and didn't care about fair play.

Well, bollocks.

---

He didn't know what he had done to piss Pete off (beside being 'posh'), but whatever it had been, it was not worth the thin line that now ran over his cheek together with his other scars. It hadn't needed stitches, and it wouldn't scar as bad from his werewolf scars, but it would likely still leave a mark. Aside from that, he also had a mild concussion and two fractured ribs. 

His father had not been happy, to say the least.

Remus supposed he was the most hurt about his dignity. The story of how Remus Lupin was taught a lesson by Pete quickly spread around town, and suddenly all the goons Remus had managed to scare off came running back looking for to fight with. The most annoying thing about it was that he couldn't properly do anything back, what with his injuries and all.

The good news was that no one was as daring as Pete. No one actually jumped someone with a gang and a knife and left them unable to get up, usually it was just some weak punches and pushes, which Remus could easily retaliate. The bad news was that Pete had information on him. Information that would make his life even harder. So Pete was just ordering Remus around now, which he hated but.. well, what could he do? He'd rather do some small jobs for Pete than have everyone hate him. That would just be dangerous.

The fact that it was just during this time, the time where Remus was involved with loads of gangs looking for some new bitch to pester and hoping it would be Remus, that James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Mary and Marlene found him, that was just his typical luck.

Chapter Text

Saw your seat at the counter when I looked away
Saw you turn around, but it wasn't your face
Said, "I need to be alone now, I'm takin' a break"
How come when I returned, you were gone away?

CHIHIRO - Billie Eilish
(1:28)

---

"I think he's busy.." Mary muttered, eyeing the scene in front of them with curiosity. It was quite the sight, really. James couldn't blame her.

Remus stood in front of them. He was just a few feet away, in a dirty alley behind the local high school, but he was turned away from them. A burning cigarette was dangling loosely from his slender fingers, his face was decorated with numerous bruises and a long cut, his hair was shaggy, his clothes were torn, his expression was hardened and his posture was aggressive.

He looked like something straight out of an American movie.

He was currently spitting insults in some other guy's face. They had no idea who had started it, but the other guy seemed all too happy to throw insults back. They were standing dangerously close to each other and the other dude was clenching his fists. James had half the mind to call out a warning to Remus, but before he could the dude was already swinging an arm out.

It hit Remus straight in the jaw, but he didn't even flinch. Remus looked the boy dead in the eye and dropped his fag to the ground. They didn't even have time to blink before Remus grabbed the guy by his collar with one hand and socked him right in the eye with the other. Lily, Peter and Marlene let out a gasp, but James himself couldn't get any noise out of his throat. Who was this? Was this Remus? Their Moony? Who loved to read books and eat chocolate? It couldn't be, right?

"Damn. Remus is kinda hot," Mary mumbled, not seeming too bothered by the display of violence right in front of them. James could almost swear he heard Sirius mutter "no kidding," under his breath, but before he could think about it the other dude managed to push Remus off and take another swing at him. Remus caught his arm and twisted it before hitting the guy with a hook from under, snapping his head up. Remus continued by grabbing the guy's collar again and whispering something in his ear, which made the guy's eyes widen.

When the guy was let go, he held a hand to his bleeding nose and basically ran away from Remus, who rolled his eyes and went to light another fag as if nothing had even happened. James didn't know whether to be impressed or horrified. They had always made jokes about Moony being a tough guy, what with his length and scars and mysterious lock-picking skills, but James hadn't ever expected this from Remus. Yeah, Remus had punched someone at Hogwarts before, but not like this. And he certainly hadn't ever looked like this, like some sort of bad ass gangster. Moony had always just looked... a bit awkward with his long legs. Now he carried himself like someone who knew how to intimidate someone with his height. Like someone who knew how to scare anyone off.

James didn't have long to process what had just happened, however, as Remus turned his head and spotted them. They must have looked ridiculous, James realized, with their fancy clothes and shocked expressions. Remus's eyes widened before narrowing, looking at all of them before landing his gaze on Sirius. James didn't think Remus's expression could grow any colder, but it did. They stood awkwardly for a while, before Remus clenched his jaw and tucked his unlit fag away, approaching them.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he said, and James blinked at his unfamiliar, rough accent. For a moment, he really doubted that this was actually Remus Lupin.

"Convincing you to come back to Hogwarts, of course, my dear Remus!" Mary said cheerily, apparently not shocked or bothered by Remus's vicious tone. Remus's expression softened ever so slightly as he looked at her. "Yeah, you bloody twat! You didn't even say goodbye to us! We don't even know why you left, only that Black had something to do with it," Marlene said, rolling her eyes as she glanced at Sirius, seemingly also coming out of her shock, although she did sound a bit hesitant.

Remus's jaw clenched at the mention of Sirius, and the fully hardened look returned to his face instantly. "Well, I'm surprised he managed to keep his mouth shut," he said flatly. Sirius winced, his shoulders hunching as he looked away from Remus. James couldn't say he blamed Remus, but it hurt him to see Sirius like that.

"What happened to your face?" Peter asked, blunt as ever, but luckily turning the attention away from Sirius. "Got jumped," Remus answered dismissively, though James didn't doubt it was the truth.

"Oh no, are you alright?" Lily asked immediately, worried. "Yeah, fine. Now what are you doing here? I'm not coming back to bloody Hogwarts," Remus bit, shooting a look at Sirius. James's face fell.

Before anyone could reply, a voice called out from behind them. "Oi, Lupin! Who're these posh poofs?" They turned around to see a boy around their age approaching them. He had a buzzed head, which seemed to be a popular hairstyle around here, and was smoking a cigarette. He didn't seem aggressive, like the guy from before, but rather like he was friends with Remus. James immediately didn't like him.

"No one. Just lost. I'll help 'em find their way back to whatever fancy hole they came from," Remus said, stealing the cigarette from the guy's fingers and taking a drag. "Or we could take some cash now that they here anyway, aye? Bunch a' fancy losers, easy money," the guy smirked, taking the fag back and eyeing James's expensive jacket. James instinctively took a small step back, frowning at Remus, who didn't seem all that bothered by having his friends threatened to be robbed.

"Nah, s'fine, Tom," Remus said casually, just as Sirius reacted, too. "Oi, who're you calling a loser, dickhead!?" he hissed, taking a step forward to Tom and Remus. "Oh look, 'e knows a grownup word!" Tom laughed, taking a step toward Sirius, too. "I'll show you what grownup looks like, shithead," Sirius retaliated easily. James didn't know what the hell he was thinking, but it was clearly not a lot.

"Sirius, stop it!" Lily exclaimed, but Sirius seemed to be looking for a fight. The bad news was that James wasn't sure if Remus would be on their side. "Yeah? Ya wanna try, short stuff?" Tom mocked, smirking down at Sirius, who narrowed his eyes.

James was already reaching forward to pull Sirius back when Sirius was already raising his fist. He never landed the hit, though, because he was pushed backwards roughly by a stone faced Remus.

"You really want to try that, Black?"

Sirius paled, clearly not having expected Remus to interfere, least of all to help Tom and not Sirius. "Moony-" James began, but Remus cut him off swiftly. "Don't call me that."

"Okay- Remus, then. We just wanted to talk. Catch up. Even if you don't come back to school with us we can still keep contact, and-"

"Hold up, you went to school with these motherfuckers?" Tom interrupted, his eyebrows raised. Remus seemed to suppress a groan, glaring at James angrily. "Yeah, but-"

"You're friends with these poofters? You posh, Lupin?"

"No!" Remus snapped. "It was a mistake." He looked Sirius right in the eye as he said it. "They were a mistake."

James swallowed roughly. Could see Sirius do the same. Could see even Mary's confident stance falter.

"Ya could say that. Bunch of tossers, 'specially that one," Tom sneered, nodding his head in Sirius's direction. Remus's expression didn't change. He just looked at them, at Sirius, like he didn't know them at all. Like they hadn't spent years sharing a dorm, sharing a life. Like they hadn't pranked Slytherins together and snuck out after curfew together and been there for each other for years. Remus looked at them like he didn't see anything at all.

"Yeah. Especially that one."

Chapter Text

Your talk'll be somethin′ that shouldn't be said out loud
Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now
Callin′ security, keepin' my head held down
Bury the hatchet or bury your friend right now

bury a friend - Billie Eilish
(1:44)

---

"Look, I'll get rid of 'em. S'fine. You and Dave were meeting up anyway, aye? And I'm s'pposed to be meeting someone in a bit here, I'll join you later," Remus told Tom, who shot them a dubious look before shrugging. "Ah, fine. Catch ya later, Lupin."

When Tom was gone, Remus let out a sigh before fully turning back to them. "Will you find your own way back?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"Excuse me? 'They were a mistake'? You absolute arsehole, Remus Lupin! What, does our five year long friendship mean nothing to you? We're not just bloody leaving just because you're throwing a temper tantrum, tosser!" Mary fumed, to which Remus's jaw clenched once again. "You are leaving. It's Easter break, ain't it? I don't believe you're not all expected home this evening," Remus shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat casually.

"Moons, we didn't come all the way here for nothing. Couldn't you at least give us a phone number?" James said quickly while Mary frowned angrily. He had come here to fix this mess, not make it even worse, damn it. Remus was a whole less friendly than James had imagined, though. James had hoped for this to happen for months, but Remus was.. different. It was making this all a lot harder than he'd prepared for.

"And how about an explanation? And an apology? Because I don't know if you've noticed, Remus, but we didn't even do anything and you left us hanging, and now you're acting like- like this! That isn't what friends do-" Mary began again, making James wince. She was obviously agitating Remus.

"I can do whatever the hell I want, MacDonald. And if you want an explanation, Black can tell you exactly what happened. I don't give a flying fuck if you know anyway, because I won't be seeing you all again. Ever. So fuck off and don't bloody come back, I mean it. Leave," Remus sounded oddly desperate, and he kept glancing at the end of the alleyway behind them.

"Moony, I'm sorry. Please, just give me a chance to make it up to you-" Sirius began, but he was abruptly cut off by a punch to his nose.

A shocked silence fell over the alleyway. Sirius's hands shot to his nose, which was now bleeding. With wide eyes, he looked at Remus, who seemed just as shocked himself for a bit before looking unbothered again. Anger burned in James's gut at that. How could Remus do that? How could Remus break Sirius's nose while he was trying to bloody apologize and then look indifferent about it?

"I swear I told you to come alone, Lupin."

The voice came from behind them, interrupting them before James could tell Remus off. Remus paled instantly at the voice, suddenly looking slightly panicked. "Leave, now. I swear to god, leave or I'll break more than just your nose!" Remus whispered to them aggressively, but none of them moved, stubbornly. Remus cursed as they turned around to see who was approaching them.

It was a group of around eight people, with one obvious leader with a buzz cut and a tatted arm. James supposed these were the guys Remus told Tom he was meeting. James's head was still spinning from everything that had just happened, and he didn't even notice properly as Remus subtly moved in front of them.

"They were just leaving, Pete," Remus told the leader shortly, and James had the feeling that it would indeed be smart to take a leave now, but as he shared a look with the others, he knew that they couldn't just leave Remus now. Especially not with these guys. Something didn't feel right, and even though James was still angry at Remus for his behavior, he wasn't leaving him. No way.

"Ah ah ah, not so fast. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine, 'course. I'd love to get to know them," Pete said with a crooked grin. "Pete, don't," Remus said, and James got the feeling that this guy wasn't any friend of Remus.

"I do what I fucking want, Lupin," Pete's 'friendly' demeanor was gone in the blink of an eye. "Or would you rather everyone knows just who you fucking are?" Remus didn't answer, clenching his jaw and glaring at Pete. "Guys, grab the fancy ones," Pete ordered, and a few of the other dudes began advancing, but Remus stood firmly in front of them. James felt relieved to have someone in front of them and those men, but that feeling quickly ebbed away once he reminded himself that it was Remus who was between them.

"Fine, if you want to be like that," Pete said, grinning, "break some a' his ribs."

James didn't know what the fuck was happening, and he was quite frankly frightened, but he knew that there was no way he was letting these guys hurt Remus. "Oi, piss off!" he yelled, making Pete raise his eyebrows.

"Shut your mouth, James-" Remus hissed.

"Ooh, feisty," Pete cut him off, and James did not like the glint in his wild eyes. "but do you really want to try demanding things here, boy?" Pete pulled a knife from his pocket. James eyed it cautiously and could immediately feel Sirius grabbing his arm and pulling him toward him slightly. Remus moved in front of James and Sirius even more.

"Leave them the fuck alone, Pete!"

"I don't think I will, Lupin."

Remus lunged forward and managed to drive a fist against Pete's jaw, but he was immediately pulled backwards by two other guys, who wrung his arms behind his back harshly. "Shit! Break his fucking ribs!" Pete yelled, eyes feral as he rotated and rubbed his jaw.

James didn't even have time to react before Remus was already brought to his knees and the first kick shot out, making Remus groan in agony. They didn't manage to get three kicks in before Sirius was lunging forward, punching one of the guys straight in the eye. Without really thinking about it, James joined him, together with Marlene.

It was messy, yells rang in the alley and hits were delivered and received, but eventually they inevitably got caught into someone's hold as well. Lily, Peter and Mary were backed against the rough brick wall by the remaining men.

"Let them go, Pete. You'll never even see 'em again. Just take some of their money and let them be!" Remus tried to plead, but he only got another forceful kick into his chest, making him wheeze. "Stop! Stop fucking kicking him, assholes!" Sirius roared, desperately fighting against the hold of the man holding him.

In response, Remus received a punch to the head instead of a kick.

"I think I quite enjoy this, actually. Tough Lupin being beaten into the ground in front of his posh friends he tries so hard to hide? Ha, that's just gold, honestly. Tell me, Loony, do your friends know what you get up to 'round here?" Pete grabbed Remus by his chin, forcing him to look up. Remus didn't answer.

"Well? Why don't you tell 'em? And if you don't, how about I break some more of your fucking ribs?"

Remus still didn't answer. James didn't know whether it was because he wasn't fully lucid after that punch to the head or because he just didn't want to. Lily was yelling at him to just answer, but Remus didn't. After a few moments, Pete smirked.

By the first kick, James, Sirius, Mary, Lily, Marlene and Peter were all shouting.

By the fifth kick, Remus was screaming.

By the eighth kick, Sirius earned himself a hit for almost fighting out of his holder's grip.

By the tenth kick, Remus's eyes were fluttering shut.

By the thirteenth kick, Pete finally stopped when Remus passed out.

Then, as if nothing had happened at all, Pete left. As if he hadn't just beaten someone into unconsciousness for no reason at all, just for the fun of it. Why the hell had Pete and Remus even been meeting here? Had he really come here just to beat Remus up? And why would Remus even show up? Who the hell was this guy? James's head was spinning with questions, but as he looked at Remus's slumped form he promptly forgot them all.

The other men finally let go of James and his friends, and immediately they rushed to Remus. He was on the dirty ground, his eyes shut. There was blood trickling down from his temple and he had a nasty split lip, but James knew that that was nothing compared to what his chest must look like right now.

"Holy- shit, fuck- fuck! James- Prongs-" Sirius was panicking, his voice hoarse from all the yelling, looking at James with wide eyes. There was still blood under his nose from Remus's punch, and he had a red cheek from getting backhanded, but most of all James noticed the absolute terror in his eyes.

"G-Grab my purse, I know a few healing spells. Hurry up, someone!" Lily was yelling, having knelt down next to Remus and lifting his shirt and coat up to reveal Remus's chest. It was mottled with scars and bruises, to which the girls especially gasped. Of course, they hadn't ever seen Remus's scars before (at least, James thought so).

Peter was the one to fetch Lily's wand, shoving it into her grasp with urgency. "Do something!" he yelped, his face contorting with horror and fear as Remus rattled in a painful breath. Blood was trickling from the corner of his mouth, and suddenly James's legs couldn't hold him anymore. He needed to sit down, he needed to bloody breathe for a minute. He collapsed to the ground, running a hand through his hair as he tried to process what the hell had just happened. He didn't know what to think or what to feel. He didn't know what to do.

He looked at his best friend, at Moony, and he just knew that he had to fix this.

Chapter Text

Hands getting cold
Losing feeling is getting old
Was I made from a broken mold?
Hurt, I can't shake
We've made every mistake
Only you know the way that I break

idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish
(1:41)

---

Remus stirred just as they were discussing what to do next. No one noticed his eyes fluttering, so they all yelped when he suddenly cursed. "Fuck," he groaned, one arm curling around his bare chest protectively while his other hand shot out to his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, likely suffering from a killer headache and a sore body.

"Remus! Thank merlin, you're awake. Are you okay?" Lily knelt down next to Remus, helping him sit up. Marlene handed him his shirt, which Remus pulled on, careful of his mending ribs. "Yeah, fine, fine," he muttered, uninterested, but then his face contorted with worry as he looked them all over. James was relieved to see that he still cared. That this really wasn't hopeless. "Are you all alright? He didn't do anything, did he? I swear to god, I'll kill him if he-"

"No, we're fine, Moony," James assured, "are you sure you are, though? That guy.. he didn't hold back. What was that even about, who was that, Remus?" it was a question they'd all been asking themselves. Who the hell was Pete, and what the bloody hell was Remus doing meeting up with him?

"It's fine, I'll heal. And Pete is just- well.. I- fuck, it doesn't matter-" Remus ran a hand over his face tiredly. "It doesn't matter? Yes it fucking does, he just bloody beat you into the ground-" Sirius began, fire burning in his eyes. James could tell he was itching to beat Pete into the ground himself. James couldn't blame him.

"You know what matters, Black? That I told you morons to fucking leave and you didn't listen!"

"Oh, so sorry that we care about you! We stayed to make sure you'd be okay, what bad friends we are-"

"Don't you talk to me about friends, Black. And don't you get fucking sarcastic on me-"

"I'll do whatever I bloody want! And if that means staying when you tell me to go, then boohoo! Go cry about it!"

"You want me to shatter your fucking nose again!?"

"I'd like to see you try to even stand up, tosser."

Remus sprang to his feet, his face twitching in discomfort but not backing down. Sirius didn't back down either, continuing to stare Remus down in that stubborn manner of his. James could see about a hundred ways this could go immensely wrong in a matter of seconds.

"Stop it, you two, I mean it!" he yelled, but Sirius and Remus continued to glare at each other. "Cut it out!" Lily then scolded, which caused Sirius to break eye contact with Remus. A few seconds later, Remus looked away, too. James was glad the brawl had been prevented, even though he was a bit grumpy about the fact they had listened to Lily and not to him.

"I think it'd be best if you all leave, now. I'd say thank you for coming, but I'm actually not happy about it at all. Can you find your way back?" Remus continued on, his tone flat as he avoided looking at Sirius at all.

"Yes, but Remus-" James tried, but Remus was already cutting him off again. "Brilliant. Goodbye." He looked like he was about to turn away, but Mary let out a huff. She looked furious.

"Bloody hell, Lupin! We're fucking trying here. We're trying to be here for you, we came all the way here just to see you, and you just keep brushing us off as if we're nothing but dirt under your shoe! Do you realize you're hurting us? Or is that why you're doing it in the first place?" Mary rambled, holding up a finger when she saw Remus wanted to interrupt. "Because we don't deserve that. Maybe Sirius does, but we sure as hell don't. Hell, maybe even Sirius doesn't. Because we have been fucking missing you for months, and nothing feels the same, and that's your fault! So pay up to the tough guy act you're putting on right now and bloody face us, you coward!"

Remus was frowning, and James could see the indifferent, tough attitude he had lost himself in falling apart a bit. Then, suddenly, James felt the very same way he had months ago, that night when Remus had told him he was leaving Hogwarts. Something felt wrong. Something was just off. Remus's eyes hardened again, looking Mary dead in the eye. James realized that something was going to go awry in a few seconds.

"I'm a werewolf."

Okay, James hadn't expected that.

What the fuck.

"What?" Mary blurted out after a small pause, sounding stricken. James's eyes were as wide as saucers, and he could feel Sirius freeze up beside him. He could see the way Lily and Marlene shared a wide-eyed look. He could see the way Mary moved her body away from Remus ever so slightly. James's heart clenched. If the girls wouldn't react to this well, everything could be over for good. Which, for some reason, seemed to be why Remus was doing this. To test them, to prove a point.

A dull grin empty of any joy split across Remus's face, but it quickly fell away again. "Do you still want to try, Mary? Do you still want to try to get me to come back? Or maybe, you suddenly do regret coming here. Do regret having known me at all." Remus's face looked empty of any emotion. "I'm a werewolf, Mary. Once a month, I turn into a monster that would gladly suck the life out of you. Just last night, I was. Today I still am, actually. I have a monster inside of me, waiting underneath my skin, hungry for someone's- anyone's blood. Would you still like to try? Or would you like to use me as a weapon, have me murder someone you don't like all that much? That's what Black did," Sirius flinched harshly, "Or would you rather have me go away, have me sent off to some faraway town, maybe even have me locked up? Put down, perhaps?" 

Remus studied Mary's shocked face, then whispered, "I know what your answer is. Why do you think I'm here?"

Mary was left speechless, her mouth hanging open as she stared at Remus. James had never seen her so flabbergasted. Lily and Marlene seemed to have been shocked into silence, too. Quiet tears were cascading down Lily's cheeks, but James could only think about Remus. He may look hard and cold, but James could practically feel Remus's pain as his own. It certainly didn't look like Mary was about to argue with Remus about his points, which James could understand, but he knew Remus had wanted her to. Remus had wanted someone to prove him wrong. To prove to him that he wasn't a monster. 

James would gladly be that person. It never seemed to work, though.

"Remus, Mary doesn't want that. We don't want that. You're our friend, we don't give a shit about- about this! We told you, It doesn't change anything-"

"James, I ripped your back open. I almost killed Snape, I almost killed you! And you guys always have to take care of me when you also have your own things to worry about, your own problems! The only thing I ever did was snap and snarl, you said so yourself, Prongs. I'm a bad friend, I'm a werewolf, I'm a coward, I'm a monster, I'm a weapon, I'm a dark creature. I should be killed before I kill anyone. But I won't be killed, for some reason, so I'm doing everyone a bloody favor by backing off! Why can't you fucking see that!?" now Remus's eyes were welling with tears, just like James's own. "I'm in gangs, I smoke and I fight. I bite. I'm bad. I'm bad all over, it's in my cells, coded into my bloody DNA. I'm a bad person- a bad creature. So why are you still here!?"

Remus's breaths were coming out in rushed, short pants, and tears had managed to make their way down his cheeks. He looked nothing like the unbothered boy he had before, nothing like the bad ass gangster straight out of a movie. Suddenly he looked like he was in pain, like he was overflowing with it, like it was threatening to escape at the seams. And it was, James realized. Here Remus was, all his agony and all his insecurities pouring out of him. This was Remus, finally voicing all his pain and all his thoughts to them. It hit James straight to the core, it made his stomach twist and it made his head ache.

He was enclosing Remus in a hug before Moony could do anything about it, burying his face into Remus's shoulder and hoping that Remus would just realize how fucking wrong he was. It was so simple to James. There was such a simple counterargument to all of Remus's points. Because James loved Remus, and so everything didn't matter. He loved Remus, and he knew that Remus was wrong. Because Remus wasn't bad. He wasn't a creature, he was a person, and he wasn't a bad one. He was such a good one, such a pure one. 

James didn't give a shit about what anyone else had to say about it, even if that anyone was Remus himself.

---

"Merlin. You do know how to surprise a gal, Remus," Mary huffed out, interrupting the silence. James was still holding onto Remus, almost clinging to him. Remus hadn't exactly hugged back, but James had held onto him anyway. "I think I finally understand where your nickname comes from now," Marlene muttered from behind them.

James could practically feel Remus sagging in his hold, some of that tension leaving his body. James knew that the girls would be bombarding them with questions later, but he was very grateful that they seemed to notice that Remus needed anything but that right now. Remus needed some fucking reassurance and acceptance, some bloody love. Because all those things he had just said? That was not okay. That was- that was the furthest from okay ever.

"Wait until you find out where ours come from," Peter laughed, lightening the mood even further. James could tell there was still tension in the air. How couldn't there be after hearing one of your closest friends say things like that about himself?

James cautiously let go of Remus, quite scared that he'd turn and bolt the moment he could, but Remus just stood there. He stood there with dull eyes, void of any emotion once again, and James was scared that he'd try to make them leave again, that he'd begin yelling again.

But he didn't. Instead, Remus gave them his new phone number. James felt like he could cry.

Chapter Text

You oughta know
That even when it's time
You might not wanna go
But it's okay to cry
And it's alright to fold
But you are not alone
You are not unknown

Everybody Dies - Billie Eilish
(2:18)

---

They didn't talk about Remus's outburst when they said their goodbyes. James didn't think any of them were ready for yet another fight and the emotional toll it would inevitably take. Instead, the girls hugged Remus, who seemed quite caught off guard by it, and James and Peter gave quick hugs too. Sirius was the last one left, standing behind James and looking unsure of what to do with himself.

Remus pursed his lips. Then, to James's relief, he talked. "Goodbye, Black." he didn't say it in a warm tone at all, and he didn't hug Sirius or even properly look at him, but Sirius immediately brightened. James brightened, too. Fixing this would take time, fixing Remus and Sirius's friendship most of all, but at least they were getting somewhere. Remus had given them a phone number. The girls had hugged Remus. Remus had said goodbye to Sirius.

"Bye, Remus." Sirius replied, looking at Remus in the hopes of catching his eye, of maybe catching a glimpse of what they used to be. 

Remus didn't look back.

---

His mum and dad about lost their minds when they came home an hour later than planned, complete with Sirius's red cheek and bruised nose and both of their puffy eyes. On their trip back, the questions from the girls had started. They had been appalled when they'd learned what Sirius had done. It had ended in yet another fight, which ended in crying. James thought everything was okay with the girls now. They had been.. well, shocked out of their minds to find out Remus was a werewolf, but it hadn't necessarily bothered them. They knew Remus, they knew it didn't suddenly make him into another person, because after all, he'd always been a werewolf. 

The girls would need some time to process the news, though, which James understood. It was a heavy subject, especially after they had just seen Remus's scars before finding out what exactly had caused them. They would probably also need some time to come to terms with just what exactly Sirius had done. It had already taken James a long time to forgive him, and James was Sirius's best friend. There was no doubt that the girls would take even longer. James could only hope that they weren't too harsh about it, because Sirius was only just starting to forgive himself.

Because of their success in finding Remus, however, James decided to tell his parents the truth. He didn't tell them about how they had almost been robbed, or about how Remus had been beaten into the ground, or about how they had fought, but he told them enough. He told them that Remus had given them his phone number. That maybe, just maybe, James could fix this.

After that (and a big scolding), James and Sirius went up to James's room. They laid next to each other on the bed which had, just one summer ago, held all four of the Marauders. James fetched the piece of paper with Remus's eagerly scribbled phone number on it out of his pocket, fiddling with it restlessly. Despite all the emotional turmoil from today, all the yelling and fighting, James felt light.

Sirius let out a heavy sigh from beside him. "Do you think he'll be okay? What if Pete comes back? We won't be there.." he murmured. James's mind flashed back to Remus, to how he had urged them to leave, to how he had stood in front of them protectively. Remus had known what Pete could do, so why did he meet up with him? Pete had said something about who Remus was, and that he might tell everyone, so he was obviously holding something over Remus's head. He didn't voice this to Sirius, who might just go back and drag Remus back to Hogwarts himself.

"Moony's tough. He'll get through it for now, and eventually he'll come back to Hogwarts." he told Sirius, who let out a small hum, as if he wasn't all that convinced. "He will." James insisted. Because Remus would. He had to.

"He hates me, Prongs." Sirius breathed out, defeated. "He couldn't even look at me. He thinks- he thinks I see him as a bloody weapon! How can I ever make it up to him? How could he ever come back if I'm here-"

"Pads, stop. He doesn't hate you, he's- he's just hurt. Because you did a.. a stupid thing. But you're still his friend, he still gave us his phone number while he knew that meant giving it to you, too. And maybe it doesn't seem like you're anything to him at all right now, but.. well, he is allowed to be hurt. And upset." James said, softly. Sirius wasn't looking at him, instead opting to peer at the moon through the window with glistening eyes.

"I know. It just hurts. I wish I could just go back, I wish I could undo it. Why did I have to be so stupid, James? Why did it have to be Moony I hurt?" Sirius whined, curling in on himself, and James could practically see the guilt gnawing at him. He wished he could just take it all away, all the pain and all the regret. He wished he could have stopped Remus from leaving. He wished he could have stopped Sirius from telling Snape. He wished he could have stopped Fenrir Greyback from turning Remus into a werewolf. He wished he could have prevented all of their pain. He would take it all if it meant it didn't have to be them.

So he gathered Sirius into his arms and tried to make it better. To ease some of the hurt away in the only way he knew how.

---

Sirius didn't understand.

He didn't understand what the hell he had been thinking when he betrayed Remus. He didn't understand how he hadn't been expelled. He didn't understand how the Potters hadn't kicked him out. He didn't understand how James could look at him, least of all talk to him. He didn't understand a lot of things, these days.

What he didn't understand most of all, though? He didn't understand Remus. He didn't understand how Remus could call himself a monster when Sirius was right in front of him. Because if Remus was a monster, what the hell did that make Sirius? If Remus was a monster, was Sirius the embodiment of evil itself? Was Sirius the darkness, the nightmare that had even grown men screaming? Was Sirius the crime, the poison? What was he, if Remus Lupin was already seen as a monster? What was he then, if not evil itself?

He didn't understand how Remus could look at himself, at his lovely face, and decide that somehow he was bad. Sirius didn't understand that somehow the worst thing Remus did to Sirius was break his nose, while he tore himself apart. How could he wish death upon himself and not on Sirius? Why couldn't Remus see what Sirius saw when he looked at him? Why couldn't Remus realize that the world would be so empty without him?

Frankly, it made Sirius want to punch Remus in his (lovely, lovely, oh so lovely) face. Because Sirius didn't like not being able to understand. And most of all, he didn't like anyone who hurt Moony. So Remus could respectfully shut the fuck up about himself before Sirius would make him. Because he kind of wanted to. He wanted to make Remus shut his mouth and just think logically.

What he wanted most of all, though? He just wanted Remus to come back. He wanted Remus to not be in bloody gangs and get beaten. He wanted Remus to be at Hogwarts, safe and sound. Sirius didn't feel very good without his moon, he'd noticed. He didn't feel very good at all. He wanted Remus back back back back back back back. Yet how could he? How could he get his Moony back when Sirius had been the one to make him leave in the first place? How could he show Remus how sorry he was? How could he show Remus that Sirius would go back to his fucking mother if it meant that Remus'd be okay, that Remus would come back? Should he cut his chest open, show Remus his poisoned heart and tell him that he would go back to the people who poisoned it just for everything to be okay again?

The thing that really tore Sirius's heart apart was that he had just realized. He had just fucking realized what his feelings toward Moony meant. Where that flutter in his stomach came from. And then, that same week, he'd fucked it up. It was like a sign from the universe, telling him that no, Remus would not fancy him back. He wouldn't even look at him. Sirius knew that Remus would probably never have looked at him in that way anyway, but the thing was that he'd, foolishly, already let himself hope. He'd already hoped when Remus smiled at him, he'd already hoped when Remus talked to him, he'd already hoped when Remus brushed against him. He'd had so much hope that maybe, every time they shared a glance, Remus had felt that flutter as well.

He had no hope anymore, now.

Even if, by some miracle, Remus would come back to Hogwarts and be able to be around Sirius again, Sirius reckoned that there would never, ever be enough trust for something like.. like Sirius had hoped for. There might not even be enough trust for a simple friendship. So Sirius simply thought about Remus. He thought of his laugh, of the way his scars wrinkled when he did so, of his hair and of his intelligent eyes that made Sirius feel weak. He thought and thought and thought and never dared to let himself hope.

When he cried, he thought of Remus.

Chapter Text

Deadly fever, please don't ever break
Be my reliever 'cause I don't self medicate
And it burns like a gin and I like it
Put your lips on my skin and you might ignite it
Hurts, but I know how to hide it, kinda like it

my strange addiction - Billie Eilish
(1:10)

---

It was almost a week later when Remus's father called him down to tell him that someone was on the phone for him. Feeling quite embarrassed about his full breakdown from a week ago, Remus was honestly hesitating to pick up. The possibility that maybe he could still fix his friendship with everyone, very possibly even Sirius, made him answer the phone, though.

"Remus?" James's voice called. He sounded relieved.

"Yeah. Hey."

"Moony! How're you doing? Are your ribs okay? Has Pete bothered you?" 

"Fine, fine. Lily's spells worked fine. And no, he hasn't, it's fine, James. How are you? Don't you have to go back to school today?"

"Okay, good. I'm great! I just finished packing for school, yeah. I've to leave in a few minutes."

"Ah, alright.. how are.. how're the girls?" Remus was almost scared to ask. Would they be fine with his.. furry problem, as the boys liked to call it?

"They're fine, Moony," James's voice softened, "they're mad at Padfoot, and they're still processing it, of course, but they're still your friends. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, 'course. Thanks, Prongs."

A vague shout sounded from James's end of the call, and a static rang through the phone as James likely covered it to shout back. "Sorry, Moons! I've to go," James said apologetically.

"Alright. Thanks for calling, James."

"Of course. Take care, Remus."

"You too."

---

The thing was that Remus didn't actually know why he had given his phone number to his friends. He knew he wasn't coming back to Hogwarts for a last year, and he didn't really see how he could still be friends with them after school. He didn't know if he wanted to. Well, obviously he wanted to, but.. well, it was selfish of him, wasn't it? Remus wouldn't be able to ever get himself a job and a real life. He'd probably die before his twenty-first birthday, all it would take was one bad moon, one unlucky gash.

Did he want to do that to his friends? Did he want to burden them with himself? A monster with no chance for a future? They'd worry, because they were good people, and they'd try to take care of him. They'd mourn him. He'd waste their time, their money, their love. Because he wasn't worth it, he just wasn't. He knew that. And yet he'd still spent years being friends with them, too selfish to do better. And yet he'd still answered the phone when James had called. He wondered if he would be selfish enough to answer the next time.

He probably would.

He wasn't kind like James was, he wasn't smart like Sirius was, he wasn't caring like Peter was, he wasn't warm like Lily was, he wasn't stubborn like Mary was, he wasn't dedicated like Marlene was. He was mean and hard and cold. He was selfish. He was so, so selfish. He didn't even know how he had managed these past few months without calling or writing to his friends. Now that he had seen them again, he felt like all he could think of was them. He needed it to stop. He needed to be selfless. He needed to break contact with them again. He needed to save them. Save them from the disaster that was himself. From the pain he caused. From what was growling beneath his skin, his anger and his bitterness and the fucking wolf that was destined to destroy his life.

He had nearly ended James's life already. He had already caused so many arguments between them all. He'd punched Sirius. He'd argued with James. He hadn't even told Peter he was leaving. He'd yelled at Mary. He was fucked up. He was a monster. He was so angry all the time.

He was all of these things. He had done all of these things. He knew that. And yet he still longed for James to call again, for his friends to write to him. (For Sirius to kiss him. Despite what Sirius had done. God, why did he long for that? Why why why why why why?) 

He wanted it to stop. These stupid thoughts, these stupid fucking longings and wishes. He couldn't do this to his friends, they needed to stay the fuck away from him. But they bloody wouldn't, so that meant he had to distance himself. He wasn't sure how he would manage it for a second time. Not when suddenly, all he wanted was to play a prank on the Slytherins with the Marauders again, to study in the library with Lily again, to make fun of Sirius and James with Marlene and Mary again, to sneak into the kitchens at midnight with Peter again, to share a cigarette with Sirius again, to listen to James ramble about quidditch again. 

He needed to stop wanting.

That was how he ended up buying some pills in the park next to the school. When he took them, he didn't feel so lonely anymore. He didn't feel so miserable and worthy of death anymore. It made him forget his friends for a little while. Maybe he could just stay high forever. 

Maybe then he could stop himself from answering the phone when it would ring again.

---

He woke up to the smell of vomit, alcohol and weed, which was.. uncomfortable. And a bit confusing. He had no idea where he was, but it certainly wasn't his own home. He recalled going to a party and drinking way too much and smoking a few joints. He'd possibly popped some pills too, but he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure why he'd gone to a party at all, actually.

It could have been the letter with a bar of chocolate attached to it that was sent to him by his friends. Okay, yeah, it was definitely that. He hadn't wanted to think about it or read the letter. Well, he had wanted to, that was the problem. He shouldn't want to. But he knew he wouldn't be able to help himself.

So he'd rang Dave, who then rang Tomas, and they went out and stumbled upon a house playing music so loud you could hear it two blocks away. They'd easily slipped inside, everyone too drunk and high to notice three new faces, and took advantage of the free alcohol and.. other substances. Remus had snogged a girl with long black hair and deep, brown eyes. (He'd pretended they were grey. He always did. He couldn't help it.)

And now he was waking up with a throbbing head and an aching body. He let out a string of curse words as he opened his eyes and sat up. The sudden light in his eyes blinded him for a few moments, but when they finally adjusted he could look at his surroundings. 

He was in a house, thank Merlin. He wouldn't have wanted to wake up in some alleyway. Cups and bottles of liquor littered the floor, along with a few smoked fags. He could spot Dave a few feet away from him, draped out over some girl wearing just enough not to be considered nude. There were a few other people too, some already awake and some still unconscious.

He sat up against the wall behind him and let his head fall back against the cool material. He was sporting a massive headache and his stomach was churning, and he knew he should begin making his way to the bathroom to prepare to throw the contents of his stomach up, but he was exhausted. He really hated his past self. It wasn't like he hadn't been able to stop drinking or smoking.. he just hadn't wanted to. He had wanted to forget, he'd wanted to not think about that stupid letter. But why hadn't he just left the letter and chocolate alone like a normal person? Why did he have to go stuff himself full of alcohol and drugs just to forget about it? Why couldn't he just forget about it while he was sober?

With a groan, Remus got himself to his feet and made his way to the toilet. He threw up until he knew for sure he was done and then shook Dave awake, who immediately grew pale and ran to the bathroom. Remus left him to it and searched the house for Tom, who was already up and stealing some unopened bottles of liquor. Remus hated that he did that, stealing, but he was way too hungover to lecture him about it right now.

He just told Tomas to hurry the fuck up, his voice hoarse from throwing up. When they made their way out of the unfamiliar house, they found the sun low at the horizon and the streets empty. It was around half past four, they saw as they passed the local church, which had a huge clock on it. Remus wondered if James was already up and getting ready for an early quidditch session, which the psychopath did at least twice a week. It had always been horribly disturbing. 

Remus missed it. He missed James. And Peter and Marlene and Mary and Lily. And Sirius. Oh, how he missed Sirius. How he missed being with Sirius when things weren't so complicated. When Sirius hadn't betrayed him yet, when Remus hadn't been deeply in love with him yet.

Fuck.

He needed some weed.

Chapter Text

Hey, leave a message
Hey, call me back when ya get this
Or when you've got a minute
We really need to talk

party favor - Billie Eilish
(0:00)

---

It was finally summer. Normally, James wasn't all that excited for the summer, despite getting to see his parents again and getting a break from schoolwork. The thing was, he liked school. Well, more specifically, he liked his friends. And he always ended up missing them immensely in the summer. 

Before Sirius came to live with them he'd never been able to visit, and Remus had lived far away, causing them to only meet up once or twice every summer. Of course, they'd always exchanged letters and called each other, but it wasn't the same. Peter did visit often in the summer, or James visited him. The girls had never visited before, but they hadn't been particularly close before the past two years anyway. James was planning to invite them over sometime this year.

Now, this year James was really excited for the summer. This school year had not been great, what with Remus's absence and all. And now that they had vacation they could visit Moony again! Of course, they might not.. Remus hadn't answered a single letter the whole time between Easter and summer. James's owls hadn't returned with the letters, so he knew Remus had gotten them. He just.. didn't answer.

James had considered that maybe Remus didn't have an owl and couldn't send anything back, but then he could have just used James's owl to send something back. Nova, his owl, was trained to wait long enough for someone to write a response. So Remus was purposefully not answering their letters, which was.. well, it just felt like they'd taken a step forward and then immediately three steps back.

James was just really confused about why, though. When he'd called Remus that one time, everything seemed fine. Sure, Remus had been a little quiet, but he seemed fine. He'd seemed happy to hear that the girls were okay with him. James wished he'd been able to call whilst at Hogwarts, but there weren't any phones on campus and the one in Hogsmeade was so old and withered you couldn't even really call it a phone. They really had to fix that.

Anyway, James was sure it'd be fine. He'd just call Remus when he was back home, and Remus would pick up, and he'd explain about the letters, and he'd tell them that of course they could hang out over the summer, and everything would be fine. It would be great. James was sure of it.

---

James shook his head at Sirius, whose face immediately fell.

It was the fourth time he'd called Remus's number. The first time, Remus's father had answered, who had told them that Remus wasn't available and to try again later. A few hours later they called again, but the phone was left unanswered. The third time, a day later, the phone was hung up at the second ring. Another day later, today, and the phone was left unanswered again.

Okay, so this was not going how James had wanted it to. Which was fine. Fine. It was fine. Remus was totally not shutting them out again, was totally not distancing himself for some stupid reason. Totally not.

"What bad luck." Sirius said flatly, sarcasm lacing his tone. He was leaning casually against the brick wall next to the local phone in town, which was conveniently located right next to James's house, but James could see he was anxious. He was playing with the zipper of his jacket, he kept touching his hair; his fingers kept on moving. His head was likely playing over all the possibilities of why Remus wasn't answering. James couldn't blame him, but they had to stay positive. Thinking of all the 'what ifs' wasn't going to help.

"It could be. Maybe they're just out shopping or something, or they're not home for a couple of days." James suggested, but Sirius only raised a brow at him. It was.. unlikely, James knew. The Lupins didn't go on vacations, it was too expensive, and why would they be out shopping so many times?

"Yeah, and I'm sure he just forgot to write back to all of our letters." Sirius huffed, playing with his zipper once again. James faltered. "I mean, what the hell were we even thinking? Why the fuck would he want to respond when he knows I'll be reading it?"

"Pads, he wouldn't have given us his number if he didn't want to. He knew you would be there. That- I mean, that must mean something, right? It must mean he's willing to- to reconcile, or something."

"He punched me in the face." Sirius deadpanned. James winced. Yeah, that hadn't really given 'I'm willing to make up with you' vibes. But still! It didn't mean that Remus would never want to talk to Sirius again.

"He said bye to you." James tried, because that had to count for something, right? Remus could've just ignored Sirius, but he'd said bye! Not even with an aggressive tone or a curse word or anything.

Sirius was not deterred. "He called me 'Black' the whole time." he argued, which, okay yes, Remus had done that, which wasn't very friendly, but still! James couldn't imagine that Remus would just stop caring about Sirius after all these years. Sirius and Remus had always had something special, something different than what Sirius and James had. They always searched for each other, and they would always find each other. Sure, they bickered a lot, but they were nothing if not forgiving when it came to each other.

"He stopped you from fighting Tom."

"He was protecting his friend."

"Yeah, like you could've ever won against that dude."

"Oi!"

James laughed as Sirius punched him on his shoulder lightly, an indignant expression on his face. James quickly retaliated by shoving his hand into Sirius's hair and messing it up before he could duck away. They laughed, forgetting about the unanswered phone next to them for a while. 

Their laughter died out after a little bit, and they settled next to each other, both leaning against the wall. James could basically feel Sirius worrying. Could feel him tapping his fingers against his thigh in a random rhythm, could feel him biting his cheek. James understood. He couldn't help but worry, either. What had happened? Why wasn't Remus answering? Was he okay? Would their friend group be okay?

"Look, we're going to fix this, okay? We'll just.. show up again. We'll show him that we care. Yeah?" He offered, turning his head to shoot Sirius a reassuring smile. Sirius didn't turn over to look back at him, he just kept staring at the houses in front of them. His eyes seemed lost in some faraway thought. For a second, James thought he hadn't heard him, but then Sirius seemed to shake himself out of it and smiled back at him a tad too tightly.

"Yeah. 'Course."

Chapter Text

You check your complexion
To find your reflection's all alone
I had to go

Can't you hear me?
I'm not comin' home

my future - Billie Eilish
(0:22)

---

"You're going back to Hogwarts."

His father was not happy. Not at all. But Remus still thought this was a bit dramatic.

He'd been caught sneaking into the house, likely reeking of weed and alcohol, for the umpteenth time that month. His father had lectured him about it before and had threatened to do something about it, but to send him back to Hogwarts?

It didn't make sense, seeing as the whole reason Remus was drinking and doing drugs was because of Hogwarts. Well, the people at Hogwarts, specifically.

(And maybe just to forget about who, or what, he was for a minute.)

Remus didn't understand why his dad couldn't just let him be. Why suddenly care about what he was doing? They'd never had the best relationship, especially not after the bite, and it had worsened ever further after his mum's death.

After the months spent grieving someone who was still alive, but nothing more than a voidly body. After his mother had fallen ill. Physically, mentally, it didn't matter. She had just been ill. She hadn't even remembered Remus's name at the end. She'd called him Blaidd.

Blaidd, Welsh for wolf.

Even his own mother had, eventually, not been able to pretend anymore. To pretend he was just a normal seven year old boy. To pretend there's wasn't something dark in his soul, something clawing at his insides.

In the end, he hadn't been Remus to his mother. He'd been Blaidd, a beast created that night when a terrifying man with sharp canine teeth and a dirt-caked face had clambered into Remus's room to take revenge on Lyall Lupin.

Lyall Lupin, who didn't speak a lot of Welsh but had heard Hope call Remus Blaidd. Who had undoubtedly searched the word up immediately after. Who hadn't been the same since the moment Hope breathed her final breath. Who had then turned into Lyall Lupin instead of Remus's father.

Remus's father would have hugged the sobbing boy besides Hope's deathbed. Lyall Lupin just sat there, staring out of the window, perhaps searching for an out. An out of a life raising the monster disguised as a boy next to him.

He hadn't ever found one.

Here they were, face to face. Son to father, even though they weren't really. Remus considered screaming, considered showing his father just what the werewolf could do to Remus's temper, to his never-ending anger.

He decided against it. "Why?" he asked, tone flat and neutral, but he knew there was likely fire raging behind his eyes.

"Because I'm not waiting until I get a fucking phonecall from the police informing me my son has been arrested or has been found beaten or overdosed to death! That's bloody why, Remus! You were doing good at Hogwarts, you had friends, Dumbledore had been so kind to let you stay, a chance no other of.. of your kind has ever had! And you're throwing it away, and I won't stand for it. You're going back, and that's final."

"Is that really the truth? Or is it just that you can't handle being so close to me for the whole year? To someone of my kind? Because I don't think either of us would fucking mind if you'd get that phonecall."

"Bloody hell, Remus! Do you hear what you're saying!? I'm your father, I do not want to-"

"Are you though? You may feed me and call me your son, but I think you'd rather not. And I don't think you are what a father is supposed to be-"

"Yes, well, you're not what a son is supposed to be. Not to me."

The house fell silent. Remus faltered, Lyall winced. For a minute, they just looked at each other. Remus noted his father's long nose, his eyebrows and shape of his face. All things that they shared, that Remus had gotten from him. He hated it. He hated that when he was younger, maybe five or six, he'd gotten told that he looked so like his father, that he'd grow up into a handsome man just like his father.

Even at that age, he hadn't liked it. He hadn't ever been like James, who beamed everytime someone told him he looked like his dad. Remus had only ever beamed when someone told him he had his mother's curls, his mother's eyes, his mother's smile.

Of course, he didn't look that much like his dad anymore now. Or maybe he did, but no one ever commented on it anymore. No one could see past the sharp, white lines on his face. They didn't look at the shape of his face anymore, or at his nose, or at anything except the results of his own claws on his body.

Nobody looked at him and saw Lyall and Hope's son, nobody looked at him and saw Remus. They just saw his scars and his sharp teeth and the bags beneath his eyes. They saw Blaidd. Just like his mother had.

Just like his father did.

Remus was in his room and packing his bags before he even knew what he was doing. His father didn't come after him, didn't talk to him. The house was deadly quiet in the aftermath of the argument, nothing to be heard except for the faint rumbling as Remus packed and the beginning clattering of the rain outside.

Remus didn't slam the door on his way out. He didn't want to prove his father's, and the world's, point on werewolves even further. He could be calm and collected, even if he was a werewolf. He could.

He ended up in a fistfight he'd started only an hour later. Another hour later and he was on a train going Merlin knows where without having bought a ticket and passing out while bleeding and dripping rain water on the seat, his packed bag tucked under his legs.

He was perfectly calm. And collected.

---

He woke up to a darkening sky and an unfamiliar landscape rushing past behind the window he was leaned against. His body was stiff and aching, and his head and eye were throbbing. Right, he'd gotten into a fight.

The train carriage was mostly empty, save for an older woman sitting a few seats in front of him. Remus didn't know if she was sleeping or not, but she didn't react when he let out a groan as he moved to sit up.

Stretching carefully to loosen up his sore limbs, he gazed at the little screen at the front of the carriage that read the next few stops the train would make. He didn't properly recognize any of the names, but he supposed it didn't matter anyway.

Even if this train did go to a familiar place, where was he supposed to go? He didn't have any family besides his dad, whom he really didn't want to go back to yet, and he didn't have any other friends than the ones he was supposed to be avoiding.

He read that the train's last stop would be in a town called Cokeworth, a name he somehow vaguely recognized, and decided he'd get off there. Why not take advantage of the train's comfort and warmth as long as he could? He'd figure out what he'd do about shelter later, and at least he was still two weeks away from the full moon, so he had plenty of time to find a place to transform.

Maybe he'd already be back at his father's by then, but he hoped not. He didn't know how he would continue to live with his dad after that argument, and even without the argument. His dad wanted to send him back to Hogwarts, for Merlin's sake. If Remus would go back home, there was a big chance Lyall would really send him to Hogwarts, but if Remus just didn't go back, or at least not until after the school year has already started, he wouldn't have to go to Hogwarts. So that was what he'd do.

He would not go back home.

Chapter Text

What if you were remote? No one knows where you are
If you changed anything, would you not have survived?
You're alive, you're alive, you're alive

The 30th - Billie Eilish
(2:31)

---

Lily Evans was.. quite surprised. Actually, that was an understatement. She was absolutely flabbergasted.

Remus Lupin was in front of her, frozen in place where he'd been walking and staring at her with wide eyes. He seemed just as shocked as she was, which was.. well.

He was in her hometown. He could have known he would see her if he came here, right?

Apparently not.

"Remus?" she asked, shaking Remus out of his stupor by doing so. He looked pale and cold, and his posture tensed as his eyes, one of which was lightly bruised, darted around the otherwise empty street as if searching for a way out. Lily would be damned if she'd let him run away, however.

She'd been worried to death about him ever since their last interaction, when Remus had revealed he was a werewolf. Lily had been proper shocked, she still was a little bit, but otherwise she found she didn't mind.

She'd done loads of research about werewolves since that day, but nothing the books said matched with Remus. He wasn't aggressive, he didn't have a beast-like appearance, he wasn't unable to be kind, he wasn't cruel, he wasn't bad at magic. She'd found one book, only one out of the many she read, that said werewolves were just like normal people when it wasn't the full, only with better senses.

She believed that one book. The proof was right in front of her.

Anyway, Remus hadn't written back after that day, and Lily had been worried out of her mind. Had Pete done something to him again? Had a full moon gone wrong? No one had a clue. And then she'd also received a short letter from James telling her that their phone calls weren't being answered either.

And now here Remus was, right in front of her and perfectly fine, save for his faded black eye and pale appearance.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" his voice was quiet. So quiet that Lily almost didn't catch it.

"This- Remus, I live here." she told him, watching as Remus's mouth opened and closed without saying anything. He seemed like he'd just realized that he'd already known that. Which he had. Lily had chatted with him about where they were from a few years ago.

"Oh," he said eventually. "Well, uhm, I should go. I-"

"No." Lily stated firmly, cutting Remus off, who raised his eyebrows at her.

"No?"

"No, first you tell me why the hell you ignored all of our letters. Then you explain what you're doing here, and I'll ring James and-"

"No! Don't call James. Just- fuck, just pretend I was never here, okay? I forgot you lived here, shit. I'll go somewhere else-" Remus rambled.

"Remus, what are you-? I don't understand, what are you even doing here? Don't you live hours away? Let's just talk, okay? I won't ring James." She cut him off. Remus seemed to hesitate, worrying his lower lip as he looked at her with doubting eyes. He ran a hand through his wild curls, then took a deep breath, seeming to collect himself.

"It doesn't matter, Lily. I'm not coming back to Hogwarts, and we're not- I can't do this. Not to me and not to you."

"What are you talking about, Remus? We're friends, that doesn't change if you don't go back to Hogwarts!"

"I'm talking about the fact that I'm a werewolf, Lily!" Remus laughed, running another hand through his hair and throwing his head back to look at the sky briefly before looking back at her with empty eyes. "Or have you forgotten? I'm likely not even making it to fucking twenty, and even if I do, I'll never get a job or a future. Are you not-? Do you not even realize that? Do you really want to care about me when I'll eventually die decades before you? And even if I don't, I'm still a monster. I'm doing you all a favor by getting out of your hair, why does no one see that?" He laughed, the sound empty of joy.

And, well, if that didn't just tear Lily's heart apart.

"Remus, stop. You're not going to die, and you're not a monster." She said, her voice shaky and her eyes wet. The last time, he'd said shit like this too, and James had told him otherwise, but Lily had frankly no idea how to comfort Remus, how to convince him to stay, how to say anything right. It just- it just seemed so dumb. Remus seemed so fucking stupid when he said stuff like that. How the hell could Remus be a monster just because he changed into a wolf once a month? That was just stupid. Remus didn't seem to get that.

"I am and I am. Look, I'm not here to dump my shit on you or explain, okay? Just stop trying, please. Please just tell Prongs to stop trying, because eventually I'll break and I can't fucking do that."

Lily was confused as to what Remus was talking about. He'd break? Break how? She really didn't think this was the right time to ask, though.

"Remus, we're your friends. We don't care that you're a werewolf, we just want you with us. You don't have to pull yourself away, you're just overthinking stuff, it's not logical. By leaving now you'll just hurt us even more, don't you get that? We care about you." Her tone was gentle and soft, but Remus still flinched. Lily realized that Remus was.. well, really not okay. Far from okay. She'd never noticed, and she kicked herself for it now.

"Lily-"

"Just come with me, I'll fix you some food and you can get some rest and then we'll talk more, 'kay? Please, Remus, please just let us, let me, help."

Remus looked at her, hesitation shining in his eyes. He looked exhausted, but not in the 'I haven't slept enough' way. More in a 'I'm exhausted of life' way. Lily wondered how long Remus had felt this way. That he was a monster, that he wasn't supposed to be friends with them. Had it already started when he was a mere five years old, the age he'd been turned? The thought made her sick to her stomach. A five year old child, thinking he was something not human, something not worthy of friends and family.

Remus's eyes shone with agony and regret, with fear and despair, with something dull and empty, and Lily imagined a little boy with that same look in his eyes. She imagined that little boy transforming into a wolf every single month, his limbs stretching and his bones breaking and his skin bleeding. She'd read that lycanthropes under 10 often only had a 24% chance of survival, especially during the first few moons. Remus was sixteen now. He'd survived, but only barely, Lily realized as she thought back to the scars she'd seen. Both thin and thick lines mapping out over his torso, multiple incredibly close to his neck, and of course, the ones running across his face, one of them almost hitting his eye.

What if one day, one of the wolf's claw had hit one of his eyes? Or the artery in his neck? If only a slight change had happened, if the wounds hadn't healed in time, if he wouldn't have been brought to the infirmary in time? If his parents wouldn't have been home the day he'd been bitten?

He'd be dead. Remus would be dead. He could have died so easily, every single month. And, shit, if that didn't just make Lily want to cry.

"Fuck. Fine. Okay." Remus answered, pulling Lily out of her thoughts. She sighed in relief, both because Remus was here and thankfully still alive, even despite his past wounds, and because he'd agreed.

She wasn't quite sure how to handle this situation or how to fix the whole mess that was Remus's opinion on himself, but she was going to try her damn best to help him.

Chapter Text

Where did you go?
I should know, but it's cold
And I don't wanna be lonely
Was hoping you'd come home
I don't care if it's a lie

ilomilo - Billie Eilish
(2:07)

---

Remus has always been quiet, but as Lily led him to her house, introduced him to her parents (and quickly shoved him out of the room before Petunia could come down) and showed him to her room, he was quieter than ever.

He'd said a soft hello to her parents, but that was basically it. Granted, he looked dead on his feet. Lily felt a surge of worry for him, but she couldn't do a lot more than what she was already doing, she knew.

Her parents were, thankfully, fine with Remus staying for a while, but they didn't have a very big house and therefore no spare rooms. They did have a spare mattress and spare blankets and pillows, so Lily set up a small cot in the corner of her room for Remus to sleep in.

He muttered a thanks to her, short and quiet, but genuine, and all but collapsed onto the mattress.

Lily looked at his gangly, sprawled out form, and wondered what she was going to do.

---

The next morning, Remus had more energy. He hadn't wanted dinner the night before, so he seemed proper hungry, too. He'd pulled some clean clothes from his bag, a pair of muggle jeans and a navy sweater despite it being summer, and changed in the bathroom, taking a bag with him, which Lily assumed contained toiletries.

When he came out again, he looked much better. His black eye had almost disappeared already (Lily would have to look up if werewolves had faster healing abilities than humans), his hair was fluffier and the bags under his eyes had mostly faded. His face was less pale, which made his scars stand out more but also made him look a lot healthier and handsome.

"D'you like cereal? I never see you eat any at breakfast, but we don't really have anything else. Well, we have some toast, probably." Lily asked as they began to head downstairs, where her parents and sister were already seated.

"Yeah, that's fine. Thanks, Lily." Remus answered, his voice soft but once again genuine. Lily wondered for the hundredth time how Remus Lupin was friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. They were so bloody different!

As they sat down, her mum and dad greeting them, Petunia spoke up. "Who's this?" she asked in that annoying voice of hers that immediately made Lily scowl, but Remus smiled gently at her. "I'm Remus. You're Petunia, right?"

Petunia nodded, her young face taking in Remus's face curiously. She was three years younger than Lily, and although they'd gotten along nicely in the past, they now always fought. It had started when Lily had been accepted into Hogwarts. Petunia had been deadly jealous, and things had only gotten worse from then on. Still, Lily knew her sister well enough,  and already knew it was coming when Petunia asked it.

"Why do you have scars on your face?"

"Petunia!" Lily yelled, her face heating up. "What!? I'm just curious!" her idiotic sister argued back, and Lily groaned. "It's rude!" she hissed, making Petunia scowl and huff.

"It is quite rude, dear. Now, who would like some breakfast?" her mother interrupted before either of them could blow up.

As her sister got distracted by the food, Lily smiled apologetically at Remus, who didn't seem all that bothered and smiled back.

---

They went out to take a walk in the town later that day, seeing as the sun was out and it was hot inside. Petunia also kept bothering them, now having latched onto the topic of Remus being Lily's boyfriend, which made them both uncomfortable. Although Lily supposed Remus actually wouldn't be that bad a boyfriend to have. He was gentle, patient and warm, and of course, quite handsome. Lily supposed she'd just never really seen Remus in a romantic light, though. She knew Marlene and Mary both had once, along with plenty of other girls, of course, but he'd always been just a friend to her.

Anyway, here they were, walking in the somewhat dreary town that was Cokeworth to escape Petunia and the heat. Lily's parents had given them some money to buy ice cream and soda, so they were on their way to the store.

It was a bit of a walk, and they didn't really talk, but Remus didn't seem to mind and Lily found that she didn't either. The silence was comfortable, and things were so complicated with Remus that Lily didn't even know what they would even talk about.

School wasn't an option, their friends weren't an option, and the heavier stuff, like the werewolf stuff, was also not an option. At least, not right now. Lily knew they'd have to talk about it, but she was pretty sure it'd be wise to do that with the others, or at least James, Peter and- okay, maybe not Sirius.

What Sirius had done was.. Merlin, it was horrible. Lily was still absolutely shocked to her core. Sirius and Remus had often bickered and even had actual fights, but they had had a really secure friendship. It was different than Sirius's friendship with James was, which was full of boisterous laughter and jokes and silly behavior. Remus and Sirius's friendship was made of quiet conversations, of friendly bickering, of stares and touches that seemed almost intimate. Of understanding. Of comfort and shared cigarettes and loud music.

Of something special.

And Sirius had told Severus how to get to Remus while he was a werewolf. Remus could have killed Severus. It would have been Sirius's fault. Remus would have had to live with the guilt forever, he could have been expelled or sent to Azkaban, and it would have been his best friend's fault. Lily can't imagine how much that would hurt if it had been her. How much that would have broken her heart.

She had been incredibly sad that Remus hadn't been at Hogwarts, but she understood. She didn't know if she could have faced Sirius after that, either.

Not only had Sirius hurt Remus, but he had hurt Severus too. Now, Lily wasn't that close with him anymore, and he'd said some shitty things, but to send him to his death? At the end of the day, Severus was still Lily's childhood best friend. And Remus was currently one of Lily's best friends. So yeah, she was proper mad at Sirius.

Before she knew it, she and Remus had arrived at the store. It was only a small store, but it fortunately had soda and ice cream.

Unfortunately, it also had Severus Snape.

He was already looking at them, a bit of a surprised expression on his face. "Oh. Hi, Sev." Lily greeted, the old nickname slipping out before she could think about it. Of course, she could have known that there was a chance they'd run into him, seeing as he lived here too, but Severus didn't often come outside during the summer, so she hadn't really thought about it.

"Hi, Lily. What is scarface doing here? Shouldn't you be in the zoo with the other zebras, Lupin?"

Lily was promptly reminded of why she wasn't friends with Severus Snape anymore. Her face heated up even more so than it already had because of the heat, this time because of anger. Remus seemed to have expected it, though, and didn't react to the insults.

"I'm visiting Lily." he said shortly, voice cold as ice, but not even bothering to properly look at Severus as he checked out the assortment of ice creams the store offered. Lily saw his jaw clench for a moment.

"Why weren't you at school this year? Got locked up for being a monster, did you?" Severus seemed to forget that Lily wasn't even supposed to know about Remus being a werewolf.

Remus's fingers twitched.

"Piss off, Severus! He's not a monster," Lily interfered, and the boy did falter at that, apparently still having a bit of a soft spot for his childhood best friend. Not a spot big enough to stop, though. Not even a spot big enough to even remotely calm down.

"Why are you here then, hm? Did you run away, Lupin? Did mommy kill herself because of you? Did your dad hit you because you're a filthy fucking halfbreed not worthy of l-"

Severus Snape was unconscious on the ground before Lily could blink.

Remus Lupin was gone just as fast.

Chapter Text

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now

Lovely - Billie Eilish (ft. Khalid)
(0:00)

---

"James,  I- look, Remus was with me. He just showed up in town and he slept at mine, but then we ran into Severus and, well, Remus punched him, and now he's just gone! He left all his stuff at mine, too, but I don't know if he'll come back. And I don't know if he'll go back to his father, either. Something's really wrong, James. I don't know what to do."

That wasn't what James had been expecting when he'd called Lily Evans to ask her if she'd join them on another trip to find Remus.

That wasn't it at all.

"Wait, what? He was with you? He just showed up in Cokeworth?" James was.. really confused. How had Remus gotten there? And why? He skipped over the brilliant fact that Moony had socked Snape, realizing that that was not a priority at the moment.

"Yes, but I think he forgot I live here. He was just walking around and seemed proper surprised when he saw me! He was saying this nonsense about being a monster again, but I managed to get him back to mine. Now he's just.. gone, though." Lily explained, her voice a bit panicked.

"Shit, okay. We'll.. Alright, we will go to his house and check if he came back there, and you stay in Cokeworth and see if he comes back for his stuff. And if neither of us find him we'll.. we'll think of something else."

"Okay, sure, sure. Call me when you find him, okay? I'm really worried about him, James. He doesn't seem like himself, and these things he keeps saying.."

"I will, of course, and I know. I don't- I don't know how to fix it. How to make him feel better."

"No, me neither."

---

Remus wasn't at his father's. Lyall Lupin seemed surprised when he saw them, and told them that Remus had run off after an argument and hadn't come back. When James called Lily, she informed them that Remus hadn't gone back to hers either.

Remus was gone.

Sirius was upset. Really, really upset. He went to his room when they came back and hadn't even allowed James in. Peter had gone back to his house with a worried frown, just like Mary and Marlene.

James didn't know how to feel. One of his best friends was missing. No one had any clue as to where he was, and they had no idea where to look. On top of that, James knew that Remus wasn't doing well. Mentally, that is.

James was worried. Worried that Remus would do something stupid. Some things he had said..

"I should be killed before I kill anyone. But I won't be killed, for some reason"

"I felt disappointed because.. because I woke up, I guess"

"I'm bad all over, it's in my cells, coded into my bloody DNA. I'm a bad person- a bad creature"

Merlin, James didn't know where it had all come from. Had the Marauders said something wrong about him? Was it something in the papers? The Slytherins? All those years he'd shared a dorm with Remus, and James had never heard these sorts of thoughts from him. Had he just missed it? Should he have noticed?

Maybe he could have fixed it. Now he'd missed his chance. Remus was gone with a head full of wrong ideas about himself and James could only pray that he was okay, that he wouldn't do something stupid, that he'd come back.

Please let him come back.

---

Remus was cold. He was cold and wet and he didn't even have to be.

After his encounter with Snape, Remus had run. He'd run out of the hot, cramped town of Cokeworth and onto a wide street blistering in the sun, running past stretching fields of nothingness. A few cars had passed, but none had paid Remus any mind. Eventually, he'd reached some cluttered houses on the edge of a forest. There were so few houses that he couldn't even really call it a town. 

When he'd arrived, night had long fallen. The cottages had all been dark and the paths snaking between them had been deserted. Remus wasn't sure if there were even people living here. He hadn't wanted to scare anyone in case there were, though, and so he'd settled against a tree where no one would be able to see him. 

After a while, rain had begun pouring down, lightning flashing through the sky and thunder booming through the air. The weather had been stuffy all day, so the storm had been expected, but it was unpleasantly cold despite the heat from the day and Remus had only a sweater and a few leaves above him to shelter him from the rain.

So there he was. Shivering and soaked from the rain, aching from all the walking and exhausted but unable to sleep because of his uncomfortable spot on the ground. Stomach churning with hunger and everlasting guilt from something Remus wasn't even sure of what it was. And all of that for nothing. He could have just stayed with Lily. He could have just stayed at home.

But he didn't want to face his dad. His dad, who knew perfectly well what Remus was and despised him for it. And he didn't want to face Lily, either. Lily, who would eventually realize just what Remus was, and then despise him for it. Who would discover just how much hurt and anger he brought with him, just how hopeless he was.

Remus didn't sleep that night.

---

When the sun rose behind the horizon, the rain had long stopped, but Remus was still cold. A door opened somewhere in the tiny village, and quiet voices and sounds of life rang through the quiet morning.

Remus didn't know what to do now. Where to go. He supposed he could ask for some food in the village. He really didn't want to pass out in the middle of nowhere because of hunger. So he began making his way to the houses, but he was stopped when a sharp crack sounded behind him.

It was the sound of apparition. 

Dread filled Remus immediately. No wizard would apparate here randomly. There was nothing here to find. Except for Remus. Maybe it was an auror coming to get him. For running away, for being a werewolf, for whatever. But when the wizard spoke, Remus knew it wasn't an auror.

"Mr. Lupin, your friends are worried about you."

Albus Dumbledore was an intimidating wizard. Despite his gentle, soft voice and his twinkling eyes and his kind smile, there was something immensely powerful about him. Remus had never really liked the man. Something about his personality had always seemed fake to Remus. Like he was just acting. Like behind the twinkle in his eyes there was a violent glistering. Like he was playing chess, and Remus was always five steps behind, or like Remus wasn't even playing. Like he was just a pawn.

Remus turned around to face him. The professor wore deep blue robes and a relaxed smile. "They came to me, to ask if I could find you. I told them that I can, but when I asked why you needed to be found, they didn't really know. Tell me, dear boy, why aren't you at home?"

"Had a fight with my father." Remus replied after overcoming the shock of seeing Dumbledore. He hadn't expected his friends to go to Albus Dumbledore, of all people.

"Ah. And that caused you to leave?" Dumbledore's tone was almost condescending, like he was talking to a toddler. "Yes." Remus answered shortly.

"Was it, perhaps, because of his request that you return to Hogwarts?"

Remus glared at him, which seemed to be answer enough for the old codger. "I think it would be a wonderful idea, Remus. You are an intelligent young man, you have a bright future ahead of you-"

"A bright future? Excuse me, professor, and my language, but that is just complete bullshit. I probably won't make it past twenty, and even if I do I'll never be able to get a job! I'm a bloody monster, I do not have a bright future."

"You are not a monster, Remus. You are perfectly human most days of the month. And you have survived your illness for more than ten years already, what makes you think you won't last the next few? And about a job.. well, you'll never know until you try it, correct? Either way, you are already signed back into Hogwarts," Remus spluttered in protest, but Dumbledore continued on. "I imagine you'll have some work from last year to catch up on, but sixth year was mostly repetition, so I think you'll be fine. I will apparate you back home, now."

Remus was pulled into a tunnel of darkness before he could protest, and the next second he stood in front of his house, head dizzy and anger coursing through his veins. Dumbledore was already gone.

Fucking amazing. Just perfect, really.

Chapter Text

And I still cry
Cry
And you know why
Am I acting my age now?
Am I already on the way out?
When I step off the stage, I'm a bird in a cage
I'm a dog in a dog pound

SKINNY - Billie Eilish
(0:47)

---

The next full moon, which was four days before Remus was forced to leave for Hogwarts, very nearly killed him.

He'd avoided his father ever since his return home, and he only ever answered one of James's calls to tell them not to visit, not letting James get a word in before hanging up. They didn't, thankfully, and his father also seemed happy to avoid Remus, so he hadn't really spoken to anyone for a week or so. He wasn't allowed to go out anymore because his dad didn't want him drinking and doing drugs, so that was a bummer. Luckily, there were no letters to ignore anymore. The phone rang a few times, but Remus was too lazy to get up to answer it anyway.

Now maybe it was the loneliness, or maybe it was the dread of going back to Hogwarts, but the wolf was angry. Really, really angry. Remus knew it as soon as the transformation started, the wolf already thrashing and clawing before the change was even done. He didn't remember much of the night, but when he woke up on the cold cellar floor, he was laying in a pool of his own blood. His body ached, and he couldn't seem to breathe properly. He felt like he was choking on the pain. He tried to scream, but he didn't have enough air in his lungs to do so. His right arm was in endless amounts of pain, and Remus knew it was probably broken. What wasn't at this point, honestly?

He didn't care much for that, though.

Because his face was throbbing. And something sticky was running down his lips and chin. Something hot and thick. The wolf had given him a new facial scar. He didn't have a lot of time to freak out about it, though. He was bleeding from all over, and the blood loss was clearly getting to him. Black spots began to dance around his vision, and his body began to feel numb.

Before he passed out, Remus briefly wondered if maybe he wouldn't wake up this time. If maybe he wouldn't even have to see his new scar.

---

He woke up in St Mungo's.

A healer told him that he'd been asleep for almost two days. That his heart had stopped once. That he'd only barely made it. Remus wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved. Wasn't sure whether to tell the healer thank you or to fuck off. Wasn't sure whether to kick his dad out of the room or to let him stay.

His dad wouldn't meet his eyes.

Remus knew why, of course. The healer had given him a mirror when he'd asked for it. He knew what he looked like. Like a monster. Ugly. Marred. Menacing. Hideous. His new scar wasn't like the others on his face. The others were flat, thin and faded. Unsightly but not.. not whatever this new one was. Not raised and puckered and a violent shade of red.

Not running through his left eye. 

His eye, which was once brown with specks of gold and green. His eye, which was now a faded color, more white than brown. His eye, out of which he couldn't see properly anymore. He wasn't blind out of it, and his right eye made so that he could still properly see, but if he'd close his right eye, he wouldn't be able to see much.

And, well. Wasn't that just amazing.

When he went to the bathroom, he spent the better part of an hour just staring at himself. Staring at those jagged lines crossing his face. At his stupid left eye. He wondered what his friends would think. What his friends will think. Fuck. He'd see them again in two days. How would he avoid them then? He didn't think he'd be able to. He can't really light up a fag or pop a pill or drink some liquor anytime they try to talk to him.

Shit. What was he going to do? Just ignore them? But the whole point of this was not to hurt them. Fuck. Everything he did was going to hurt them. Become friends again? Snap at them and fight with them and die early and make them mourn. Don't become friends? Ignore them and snap at them and fight with them. Why were there no bloody good options?

He supposed he could just be.. friendly. Not friends, but just friendly. Just a classmate they sometimes talked to. He'd have to shut them out a bit, sure, but he wouldn't have to ignore them fully. It'd be better for everyone. Remus only hoped he'd be able to pull it off.

Finally feeling a little less terrified and anxious about his return to Hogwarts, Remus went back to looking at his scarred features.

And he cried.

---

He cried. And he screamed. And he shot out a hex.

Hands pulled him back.

But the only thing he wanted to do was make him suffer. To claw at his pretty face. To hurt him and betray him and kick him when he's down, just like he had done to Remus.

But he was tired. And injured. And the hands pulling at him were strong.

So he glared. He glared and yelled and sobbed.

And he wanted to die.

Because Sirius wanted him to.

How could Sirius not?

Sirius obviously wanted him gone.

Why would he have done this otherwise?

He wanted Remus dead.

So Remus cried.

And Sirius...

Sirius Black laughed.

Remus shot up, sweat making his shirt plaster to his body and his lungs aching as he heaved in deep breaths. Shit. That was a new one. He'd had plenty of nightmares, but none of them were all that centered around Sirius after the prank. Most were during the prank, about killing Snape and James. Or some about Sirius before the prank, a malicious glint in his eyes as told Remus he was a monster and deserved to be sent to Azkaban. Really, that scenario happened a lot but with various people. His father, Lily, James, Marlene, Mary, Peter, his mother.

He supposed this nightmare was caused by tomorrow. Tomorrow, when he would travel to King's Cross station and see his friends, mostly out of only one eye.

Deciding he didn't want to think about that, Remus slowly got out of his hospital bed, careful of his mending bones and healing wounds. The healers had told him he was allowed to leave for school tomorrow, so long as he got checked up by madam Pomfrey a few times, but that he wasn't allowed out before that, yet.

So he brushed his teeth in the small bathroom by his room and splashed his face with water, ignoring the sting in his new scar. He attempted to brush his hair, but that only made it poofier, so he left it alone. He exchanged his worn out band t-shirt that he slept in for a thick brown sweater and tried to pretend he felt like himself. He was incredibly warm in the sweater, but wanted to be able to walk around the hospital to get food without having everyone stare at the scars running across his arms.

He left the bathroom quickly, eager to escape the mirror, and sat himself down in a chair by the window with a book his father had brought him. His dad was already working again, not being allowed to take too many days off for his sick son. Or maybe he was, but just didn't want to sit next to a silent, sulking Remus all day. Remus wouldn't blame him.

Either way, he was alone, with no one but the healers to talk to. But they only talked to him about his sickly, injured body. They didn't ask about his book or about his life. They were far too busy. Busy saving people and helping them. Remus felt ashamed talking to them. Felt ashamed when they told him he was underweight and dehydrated and not taking care of himself and his body. Felt ashamed that while they were doing hard work, Remus spent the whole day feeling sorry for himself.

His dad came to get him the next morning with packed bags. He didn't talk to Remus about anything personal or nice either. He just told Remus that the hospital bill was expensive. He told Remus to behave at school. To not hurt anyone. Only just before he left, he told Remus to take care of himself. He sounded like one of the healers at St Mungo's, tone hasty and like it was his job to say it. Not like he meant it at all. Remus just told him 'you too', probably in that same exact tone. He had other things to worry about.

Like James waving at him, a hesitant Sirius standing on one side and a smiling Peter on the other side.

Like Lily walking toward him, a frown on her face, with Marlene and Mary in tow.

Bloody hell.