Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was Tuesday, a beautiful spring day and they were taking a walk in central park. Who would have imagined he'd be walking hand in hand with the love of his life and her son twirling in front of them , showing his new dance moves.

It's been a year now that they've been dating , the only people that actually know are their families but his pretty sure both their squads know. He feels like his on cloud nine and all his ever wished for has come true. It was as if God finally listened to his prayers.

Over the year that they've been dating they talked about what happened to them over the years that they weren't together. The bad , the good and the ugly. He told her about his life in Italy and how much he thought about her and could not forget no matter what.

She told him about her relationships , which most he was okay hearing about but there was one in particular that bothered him ... Tucker. He didn't know if he should tell her the truth but then he thought better of it and decided to keep it to himself , anyway the man was dead. Plus he was important to her and he didn't want to ruin his memory for her no matter how much he hated the bastard.

She also told him about the monsters in her life and the worst one of all William Lewis. They both had tears in the eyes by the time she was done telling the story. He held her and told her that he didn't know because he was doing a private security gig overseas and that if he knew he'd have been there immediately.

They finally talked everything out and finally gave in to their feelings. They kissed and it was the most perfect thing ever but he could see the certain doubts playing in her mind. He just hoped that his love was enough to erase those doubts and he would spend the rest of his life trying if that's what it would take.

He wished she would talk to him about what's worrying her but it was night and they were tired so he let it be. He told her that he should get going and got up to leave. She grabbed his arm and told him to stay. She said she wanted him to sleep beside her because she always gets nightmares after talking about Lewis.

He scooped her up and walked to her room , he laid her on the bed and kissed her forehead. He got in and pulled her close , within a few minutes they were both asleep. That was a year ago and he couldn't believe it that they were here now.

He'd gotten to know Noah and they've bonded like father and son. He loved the boy just as much as he loves his mother. He picked him up from school and dance classes a couple times. He also helped him with practicing his dance moves and he took him to a couple of games.

He told his kids , mother and brother about them and they couldn't have been happier for him and them. They all said they've been waiting for so long they never thought it will happen. His mother said she always knew that Olivia was the love of his life. His brother on the other hand teased him continuously.

They had family dinners , outings and dates with just the two of them. Sometimes it would be the three of them like today. He had a permanent smile plastered on his face , his pretty sure that's how his squad found out. Ayanna had told him something was different and he was more happy and Jet ever the sharpest person in the room had teased I bet it's Captain Benson.

She wasn't wrong but he was not about to admit it. When they started dating he told Olivia it would go at her pace and they would reveal their relationship when she was ready. They had sex and God was it great , he never knew it could be that good and Olivia had told him the exact same thing. They'd spent nights together , days together and holidays together being a family but he could tell something was still holding her back.

He was grateful they were moving forward but he was also a little hurt that she doesn't want to reveal their relationship , after all it's been a year since they started dating. It didn't help that he had a box with a ring tucked away in his drawer. He wanted this to be permanent and he couldn't wait to propose to her he just really hopes she says yes.

Chapter Text

Oliva Benson in love , who would have thought and with Elliot Stabler non the less. Well , that's just jokes because apparently everyone knew that Stabler was the love of her life , but it seems that for the first time in 26 years , she has admitted it out loud to herself.

She had a lot of relationships over the years he was gone , and they were meaningful to her , but she had to admit nothing came close to Elliot Stabler. It was like all of them were just placeholders until Elliot returned. She's never felt this loved and cared for in her life.

God and the way he is with Noah just makes her insides melt and makes her fall more in love with him.She was surprised to say the least with how quickly they bonded but she should have known , obviously her kid would fall in love with him after all he had always been a great dad.

They had become a family , even his family had accepted them. She was shocked when he had told her they'd been waiting for them to date , she always thought they hated her. She was happy that she was wrong. Everything was perfect but she had this feeling and it was holding her back.

Scared...that was the feeling , scared that something was going to go wrong and snatch the happiness she's found. It was like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She could see that Elliot noticed something going on with her and the hurt in his eyes everytime she wouldn't tell him.

But she couldn't tell him , and sometimes that feeling would turn into fear and put doubts in head. She would sit with it and think that one day his going to wake up and realize she's not what he wants or that his going to leave without a word again.

It's stupid honestly because they talked about the time he was gone and why she couldn't give into her feelings when he came back , but they were pass all of that now and he continued showing up for her and her son. She wished she would stop sabotaging her own happiness.

Elliot had listened to all her demands and was even okay keeping their relationship private. But that had been a year ago and she could see he was getting restless and the hurt she was causing him by hiding their relationship. It wasn't as if her squad and his squad didn't know.

It's just that fear is keeping her from making their relationship public. Fin had followed her into her office after she brought donuts for the squad and had told her he was happy for her even though he knows she won't admit anything. She's pretty sure he phoned Amanda and told her too. So she's doesn't understand why she's letting the fear take control when everyone practically knows.

God she loves him and the sex is great , he makes her feel stuff she never thought she could feel. His a giver in bed , he worships her like she's a Goddess. She's know his always been an overachiever but she's never expected him to be this good. He always makes sure she has atleast 3 orgasms if she's tired and if she's not it's sometimes 5 or 6.

She can barely feels her legs sometimes , it becomes jello and it's not always the sex. Sometimes he wears those Henleys she loves and those tight fitted jeans that shows of his amazing ass. She's undeniably in love with him and sometimes behaves like a school girl around him.

She just wished that it was enough to quell her doubts. She found a box in his drawer while looking for a t-shirt to wear when she stayed over. She opened it and found a ring , a million thoughts went through her mind. The main two was that she loved him and the other was that enough. She heard him coming back to the room so she quickly closed it and put it back.

That had been a week ago , now they were walking hand in hand through central park and all she could think about was whether she was ready to marry Elliot and whether they would last together. She just really hopes she doesn't screw it up when she has her decision.

Chapter Text

Elliot Stabler had never been so nervous in his life. Not when he’d faced down a man with a gun, not when he’d stood in court testifying, not even when he’d first walked back into Olivia Benson’s life after all those years.

But tonight wasn’t about fear — it was about hope. About the future he’d dreamed of since the day he’d walked away, and the one he’d spent the last year slowly building with her again.

He’d planned everything down to the smallest detail — the quiet restaurant on the water, the table tucked away from the rest, the soft jazz that she liked, the ring burning a hole in his pocket. It wasn’t flashy. Olivia hated that kind of thing. He just wanted her — wanted to look across that table, meet her eyes, and promise her the rest of his life.

She’d laughed when they sat down, her smile that mix of warmth and caution she wore around him these days. A year together, and he still felt like he was earning every inch of her trust.

They talked easily at first — work, Noah, little things that didn’t hurt. But as dessert came, Elliot’s heart began to pound. He reached into his jacket, his fingers brushing the small velvet box.

“Liv,” he said softly, and she looked up, her expression gentle. “There’s something I want to ask you.”

Her smile faltered slightly. “Elliot… what’s going on?”

He took a deep breath, got up from his chair, and knelt beside her. The air seemed to leave the room.

“I’ve loved you for a long time,” he said. “Long before I ever had the right to. You’ve been my partner, my best friend, and this past year… you’ve been my home. I don’t ever want to lose that again.” He opened the box. The diamond caught the candlelight. “Olivia Benson, will you marry me?”

For a moment, there was silence.

And then —

Her chair scraped back. Her face went pale, her eyes wide with something that wasn’t surprise. It was panic.

“Elliot,” she whispered, shaking her head. “No. No, I can’t—”

He froze, the ring still in his hand. “What? Liv—what are you talking about?”

Her breath came fast, uneven. “You can’t just do this. You can’t disappear for ten years, walk back into my life, and think a ring makes it all okay.”

“Liv, that’s not what this is—”

“How could I trust you?” Her voice cracked, but she didn’t stop. “You left, Elliot. You left me without a word. And now you think I can just forgive you? That I can just forget what that did to me?”

He stood slowly, the sound of her words slicing through him. “I didn’t come back to hurt you. I came back because I still love you. Because I never stopped.”

“Love isn’t enough!” she snapped, her eyes wet. “Not after everything.”

He took a step closer, desperate. “It’s not just love. It’s—Liv, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I want to build something real with you. Please, just—”

But she was already shaking her head, backing away from the table.

“I can’t,” she said again, her voice breaking now. “I thought I could, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

And before he could reach her, before he could say another word, she turned and walked out — leaving him standing there, the ring still in his hand, the candlelight flickering against the empty chair across from him.

He sat back down slowly, staring at the door she’d just walked through. The sound of the waves outside filled the silence, steady and cruel.

For the first time since coming back into her life, Elliot Stabler didn’t know if he’d ever find his way back again.

Chapter Text

The restaurant had long since emptied. Elliot sat there for what felt like hours, the untouched dessert melting into a sugary mess between them — or where they had been.

He stared at the ring. His fingers closed around it until his knuckles went white. It wasn’t about the diamond. It wasn’t even about marriage, really. It was about finally saying what he’d never been able to before.

But she hadn’t heard him. Or maybe she had — and that was the problem.

He drove home in silence, the city lights blurring through the windshield. He wanted to call her. He wanted to bang on her door, to make her look at him, to tell her that walking away didn’t erase what was between them. But the words she’d said kept replaying, every one cutting deeper. "You left. You think I can just forget?"

By the time he got home, the weight in his chest was unbearable. He dropped the ring box on the counter and sank into the couch. The quiet felt wrong. Too big. Too empty.

He rubbed his hands over his face and tried to breathe, but every exhale came out as a whisper of her name.

---

Across the city, Olivia sat on her bedroom floor, still in the clothes she’d worn to dinner. Noah was at a friend’s house for the night — thank God. She didn’t have to explain the tears she couldn’t stop.

She’d run out of that restaurant like it was on fire. Maybe it was.

She’d seen the look on his face when she said no — the shock, the heartbreak — and it had shattered something inside her. But she couldn’t stay. She couldn’t let him see how scared she was.

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. That was the cruelest part. She did. God, she did.

But love hadn’t protected her before. Love hadn’t stopped him from walking away without a word. And if she let herself trust it again, trust him, and he left… she wouldn’t survive it a second time.

Her phone buzzed on the nightstand. Elliot.

She stared at the screen until the call went to voicemail. Then came the text:

> I’m sorry. Please, just talk to me.

Her hands trembled. She typed out a reply, then deleted it. Typed another, deleted that too. Finally, she tossed the phone aside and pressed her palms to her eyes until the world went black.

“I can’t,” she whispered to the dark. “Not again.”

Chapter Text

The tension in SVU could’ve cut glass.

Captain Olivia Benson walked in with her jaw tight, her expression unreadable, coffee in one hand and frustration in the other. She wasn’t angry at her team — not really — but she needed somewhere to put the storm inside her.

“Velasco, that timeline?” she asked.

He held out the report. “Here, Captain.”

She scanned it, her brow furrowing. “This isn’t the full sequence. I said chronological, not a summary.”

“I can redo it,” he said quickly. “I just thought—”

“Don’t think, Velasco. Do.”

Across the bullpen, Bruno looked up from his monitor. Captain Curry raised an eyebrow. The glance they exchanged said it all — what happened now?

Fin sighed quietly and followed Olivia into her office, closing the door.

“Alright, Liv,” he said, leaning against the doorframe. “Talk to me. What’s got you snapping at your squad like that?”

She set the file down, her hands trembling slightly. “It’s nothing. Just… a rough night.”

Fin studied her. “This about Stabler?”

Her silence was enough.

He smirked. “So I’m right.”

Olivia let out a shaky breath. “He proposed last night.”

Fin blinked. “What? Elliot Stabler proposed?”

She nodded slowly. “At dinner. Quiet place. Candlelight. It was… perfect.”

“And you said no,” Fin said, reading her face.

“I didn’t mean to,” she whispered. “I just — it scared me. I looked at him and all I could think about was the night he left. No goodbye, no explanation. Just gone. And suddenly it was like… it was happening again. Like I was right back there.”

Fin crossed his arms. “So what’d you say?”

Her voice cracked. “That I couldn’t trust him. That I couldn’t forgive him. And the second I said it, I saw his face — and I knew I’d just ripped him apart.”

Fin exhaled, shaking his head. “So… you finally admitting you two were dating?”

Olivia’s head snapped up. “You knew?”

He chuckled softly. “C’mon, Liv. You really thought you were slick? The late nights, the phone calls, the way you’d smile when you saw his name pop up? The squad knew. We just didn’t say anything.”

Despite herself, she smiled faintly — but it faded fast.

“He was trying, Fin,” she said, voice trembling. “He’s been showing me every day that he’s here. That he’s not leaving this time. And I just — I pushed him away. Again.”

Fin’s tone softened. “Liv… you messed up. But he loves you. Always has. Don’t let your fear make you lose the one person who’d walk through fire for you.”

Her eyes filled. “What if I already did?”

Chapter Text

A few hours later, the precinct had quieted. Bruno and Curry were out chasing leads, Velasco was interviewing a witness, and Fin had gone to the DA’s office.

Olivia stayed behind, buried in paperwork that didn’t need doing, when Trevor Langan knocked on her door.

“Hey,” he said, stepping in. “Got a few minutes to go over the warrant draft?”

She nodded. “Yeah, sure. Sit down.”

He leaned over her desk, his cologne faint, his tone smooth as ever. “You know, Olivia, I’ve always admired how you handle things. You make chaos look easy.”

She gave a small smile, distracted. “You’re giving me too much credit.”

“I don’t think I am,” he said softly. “You deserve someone who sees how incredible you are.”

“Trevor—”

Before she could finish, he leaned in and kissed her.

It happened so fast she didn’t process it until it was over — until she was shoving him back, eyes wide with shock and anger.

“Trevor, no!” she snapped. “That was completely out of line!”

“I’m sorry,” he said, flustered. “You said you were single. I thought—”

“Being single doesn’t mean I’m interested,” she said sharply. “And it damn sure doesn’t mean that.”

She barely finished the sentence when movement in the doorway caught her eye.

Elliot.

He stood there — frozen. The man she loved. The man she’d just broken.

For a heartbeat, time stopped.

His eyes — those blue, steady eyes she’d memorized years ago — were full of disbelief, pain, and something deeper: resignation. Like the last bit of hope had just slipped away.

He didn’t speak. Didn’t yell. Didn’t even look angry. Just… hollow.

And then he turned and walked out.

“Elliot,” she breathed, rushing after him, but by the time she reached the hallway, he was gone.

---

Elliot didn’t remember leaving the precinct. He didn’t remember the walk to his car or the drive home. He just remembered seeing it — that moment — and feeling everything inside him go still.

He’d come to apologize. To tell her he was sorry, that he’d been too much, too fast. He wanted to fix what he’d broken between them.

But seeing her kiss someone else — seeing Trevor Langan’s hand on her face, her eyes closed — it was like being shot all over again.

He knew she didn’t owe him anything. She’d said no. But he’d believed, deep down, that love like theirs didn’t just end.

Now, it felt like it had never even started.

He sat in his car outside his apartment, the ring still in his pocket. He took it out, turning it over in his hand, the diamond catching faint light.

“She’s happy,” he whispered bitterly. “That’s what matters.”

But the lie burned as soon as it left his mouth.

He pressed the ring into his palm until it hurt — the only pain that matched the one in his chest — and finally, he let the tears come.

---

Back in her office, Olivia sank into her chair, shaking.

Trevor lingered awkwardly. “I really thought—”

“Don’t,” she said, cutting him off. “Just don’t. Because I don’t feel that way. About you or anyone else. I’m in love with Elliot Stabler.”

He nodded, muttered another apology, and left.

The moment the door shut, the silence was deafening.

Olivia pressed her hand to her mouth as tears spilled freely. She’d done it again. She’d pushed him away, hurt him — only this time, he’d seen something she could never take back.

She whispered to the empty room, voice shaking, “He was proving it. Every day. Every time he showed up, every time he called, every time he stayed — he was showing me he wasn’t leaving. And I didn’t see it.”

She looked at the empty doorway where he’d stood and said softly, “I broke the one heart that’s always been mine.”

And for the first time in years, Captain Olivia Benson didn’t know how to fix it.

Chapter Text

One second, he was standing outside Olivia’s office — her lips pressed against Trevor Langan’s — and the next, he was in his apartment, the door slamming behind him.

The sound echoed through the empty space.

He stood there for a long time, frozen. Coat still on. Tie half undone. Breathing uneven.
Then he reached for the bottle on the counter.

The first drink burned. The second didn’t.
By the third, he stopped feeling anything at all.

He sank onto the couch, elbows on his knees, staring at the ring box sitting on the table.
That little black box that had once meant everything — hope, a future, forgiveness.

Now it just mocked him.

Then his gaze shifted to the gun , his dad's old revolver.

Drunk and hurt , he pick up the gun and emptied all the bullets out except for one.

He gave the cylinder a spin before closing it. He put it to his head.

His thoughts drifted in messy, painful circles.

You really thought she could forgive you?
You really thought you were enough?

He laughed under his breath — a sound halfway between a sob and a scoff.

He thought of Kathy. The years of marriage that had slowly turned into duty instead of love. “We were kids,” he murmured to the empty room. “You stayed because it was easier than leaving. Because of the kids.” Click

Then his mother — her voice as sharp as ever in his memory. “You’re just like your father, Elliot. Stubborn. Angry.” Click

He hated that she was right. His father’s shadow had always been there — in his temper, his fists, the way he’d let the job eat him alive. He could still remember being ten years old, crying over a sketchbook full of designs for a house he’d imagined building one day. His father had ripped it in half.
“Architects don’t feed families,” he’d said. “Cops do.” Click

So he’d become a cop. Just like him.

And in the process, he’d lost himself.

He thought of his kids — how much he loved them, how every one of them had, at one point or another, looked at him like he was a stranger. Like the badge had replaced their dad.
“You were never around.”
“You scared us.”
“You care more about the job than us.”

Maybe they were right. Click

He leaned back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, feeling the sting of tears that refused to fall.

And Olivia.

God, Olivia.

He had believed — truly believed — that after everything, they’d finally get their chance. He’d pictured her saying yes, her hand in his, laughter instead of tears.

Instead, she’d said she couldn’t. That she could never forgive him.

Then the image hit him again — Trevor’s hand on her face, that quick kiss that shattered everything he’d built inside himself to survive.

He pressed his palms against his eyes until sparks of light danced in the dark.

“She doesn’t love you,” he muttered. “She never could.”

He pictured Noah, sweet, bright-eyed Noah — a piece of Olivia’s world that had always made Elliot smile. A kid who looked at him with trust, who didn’t yet see all the cracks.
“He’ll forget me,” Elliot whispered. “He’ll have Trevor now. A real father figure. Someone who doesn’t break everything he touches.”

The room felt too big, too quiet.

Every voice from his past came rushing back.
You’re violent.
You’re too intense.
You don’t deserve love. Click

For a moment, he wanted to disappear. To stop feeling this endless ache that followed him everywhere.

But he didn’t move. He just sat there — motionless, broken — while the city outside carried on without him.

The bottle emptied. The ring stayed right where it was — gleaming faintly in the dark, a reminder of everything he’d lost. And then...

Chapter Text

Bell and Jet were worried , they couldn't get through to Elliot the whole day.

They decided to drive to his apartment to check up on him.When they arrived Ayanna knocked,there was no answer. She opened the door with a spare key Elliot gave her incase of emergencies.

The door unlocked and a cold chill went through them , something was wrong.

The apartment was dark except for the faint gray light slipping through the blinds. The smell of whiskey lingered in the air, sharp and stale. The living room was a mess — glasses, bottles, the evidence of someone trying hard not to feel anything.

“Elliot?” Bell called, her voice steady but edged with worry.

No answer.

Then they saw him — on the couch, gun to his head. His face was pale, his eyes shadowed.

Jet’s heart dropped. “Oh my God…”

Bell moved slowly , she didn't want to startle him. Her heart was beating a mile a minute. What the hell had happened to him.

“Elliot,” she said, carefully. “I need you you to put the gun down , whatever happened we can talk about it.”

He blinked, voice rough. “Bell? What’re you doing here?”

“You weren’t answering your phone. We were worried.”

Jet crossed her arms, pacing, trying to keep her composure. “More like terrified. You ghosted everyone.”

He gave a bitter half-smile. “Didn’t mean to.”

Bell looked at the bottles scattered on the floor and table — too many. “You did a number on yourself,” she said quietly.

Elliot rubbed his face, grip tightening on the gun. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine,” Jet snapped, unable to hold back anymore. “You’re not fine.” She gestured around them. “This—this isn’t you, Stabler.”

He didn’t argue. Just looked away, eyes falling on the small ring box sitting by the empty glass.

“Olivia,” he murmured. “She said no. Said she couldn’t forgive me. Then I saw her… with Langan.”

Bell sat down across from him, jaw tight. “You saw that happen?”

He nodded. “Guess that was her answer.”

Jet’s hands balled into fists. “Unbelievable. After everything? After how hard you’ve worked to show her you’re here? She has no idea what she did to you.”

“Jet,” Bell warned softly.

“No,” Jet said, voice shaking. “He’s been trying to be better. To prove he’s not the guy everyone thinks he is. And she just—” She stopped, forcing a breath. “He deserves better than this.”

Bell’s expression softened but her eyes were cold with resolve. “You’re right. He does.” She turned back to Elliot. “You’re not going to do this alone, okay? We’ve got you. Now put the gun down”

He looked up, eyes glassy, exhausted. “Why? I’m fine.”

“Because we care,” Bell said simply. “Because we’re not letting you kill yourself over someone who can’t see what’s right in front of her.”

Jet walked towards him slowly, crouched down in front of him. “You need time, rest, real help. We’re making sure you get it.”

For a moment, he looked like he might fight them. Then the fight just… faded. He nodded once, small and broken.

“Okay.”He slowly removed the gun from his head and handed it to Ayanna.

---

Later, after paramedics checked him and took him for observation, Bell stepped outside into the hospital hallway with Jet.

Jet’s face was tight with anger. “She doesn’t get to do this to him and walk away like nothing happened.”

Bell sighed, the tension showing in her shoulders. “I know. But right now, he’s the priority. Not her.”

“I’m serious,” Jet said, voice low and fierce. “She doesn’t get to find out. Not yet. He doesn’t need her pity, or her guilt. He needs us.”

Bell nodded. “Then we protect him. We get him through this. Whatever it takes.”

They both stood there for a long moment, the weight of their decision settling between them.

For now, Olivia Benson didn’t need to know how close she’d come to losing him — or how much damage one broken heart could cause.

Bell put a hand on Jet’s shoulder. “He’ll get better,” she said quietly.

Jet nodded, eyes still wet. “Not because of her,” she whispered. “Because of us.”