Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One, two.

One, two.

Lo’ak sucks in a quiet shaky breath as he bores his eyes back and forth between Kiri and Tuk. 

One, two.

One, two.

But it’s never been two. It was always three!

One, two, thr—-

One, two.

It’s been a week without Neteyam. Nearly seven days without Neteyam, and yet he can’t bring his mind to wander to anything else that isn’t Neteyam. The thought of his older brother is engraved in his mind, a stain that will never wash just like the blood that had drenched his hands. 

He gulps, saliva leaving an irritation at his throat from not swallowing for so long. That’s when it hits him that he’s currently zoning out in front of his family during dinner, lost in his thoughts—Neteyam.

Lo’ak blinks and tries to eat his food.

Key word: Tries.

It’s not that his stomach hasn’t been rumbling like a thunderstorm he and his siblings used to hide from in their mother’s arms for the past few hours. It’s just that he can’t bring himself to lift the spoon and just swallow down the taste—Hell, he doesn’t even know what he’s tasting. It tastes like shit!

But, fuck—-he’s so ungrateful for this. He’s sitting with his family, or at least what’s left and is currently complaining internally about the food while others have suffered from the Vrrteps hurting them. 

The others have probably lost much more and he’s not even the only one who lost Neteyam! His family lost him too, But—

Lo’ak wants to slap himself. 

No.

Don’t make yourself the victim when you’re the one who…

Who fucking killed your brother. 

“Lo’ak.”

You deserve nothing and yet you’re still here, eating a meal that your mother cooked so wonderfully.

“Lo’ak?”

You’re ungrateful and annoying and selfish and everything that Neteyam wasn’t. You will never replace him and your family is so sad that you killed him!

Fuck, why didn’t YOU d—?

“Lo’ak!”

He blinks, nearly flinching in his seat. He gulps and realizes his dad Jake called him. Everyone is looking at him expectantly, like they want him to react but all he wants to do is sink in his seat from all the attention. 

Why are they looking at him?

“I’ve been calling you for the last three minutes. Where is your mind floating off to, huh?” Jake asks, eyebrows furrowing down. His hands are clenched tightly around the bowl, like he’s controlling himself…

For what?

“Uh…” The latter clears his throat. “Sorry, Sir. I was just…thinking.”

He nods and leans back, hands relaxing against the wooden bowl. “I asked you what you did today?” His voice is still sharp, sharp enough to bring that dark and tense air into Lo’ak. 

He wishes it wasn’t that question. 

“I…uh—I—” He stutters over his tongue, it’s like his body refuses to follow his mind. “I did…”

He loses it there. 

Lo’ak knows how to lie. He’s probably the best in the family and also the one who lies a lot, because he’s never seen anyone but him lie. But in this case, he can’t lie, nothing is coming to him. 

He knows he’s spent all day inside, laying to waste on his comfortable bedding while the others try to be productive around the village. His bedding is the only one not rolled up and kept on the side like the others. 

Great, you’re fucking useless now. Tick that off the list.

• Be useless.

“You didn’t do anything, did you?” Jake asks, voice dangerously low. Suddenly, Lo’ak’s ears are pinned to his head and his tail won’t stop flicking from left to right. 

“No…” He admits shamefully. 

Silence. 

He can hear something shifting, probably Spider, Tuk and Kiri being uncomfortable. His eyelids close for a moment, trying to calm his pounding heart. 

“Imagine a flickering flame. You must slow down your heartbeat.”

But how can he?

“Lo’ak,” The voice rings through his ears again. He opens his eyes to see Jake glaring at him. It’s a look he’s given many times but he can’t say it never scares him.

“I don’t remember one of the chores being nothing.” He hisses the word, Lo’ak’s ears are pressed even more to his head, leaving a phantom pain from how hard they’re pinned. He wants to say something, but his lips are sealed shut.

“These people have given us Uturu which means we can’t do nothing in return.” Jake says coolly, eyes squinting directly at him. Lo’ak swallows again, the irritation annoying him even more before nodding. “Sorry, Sir.”

Jake looks like he wants to say more but he decides to keep quiet which makes relief flood through his chest. At least Eywa is kind to him for this…Or maybe he jinxed it. 

Dinner is silent after that. No one talks and that surprises him because Tuk cannot keep quiet for the life of her…Maybe it’s because she lost…

It’s then Lo’ak decides to look at each member of his family—-Remaining family.

Tuk, who’s sitting near Mom, eats quietly. Her ears are pinned to the back of her head like his were moments before. Her eyes are glossy, fingers trembling as she scoops more fish into her mouth. Her tiny tail is drooping, the tuff brushing her knee as she continues to eat in silence. 

Kiri, who’s right beside him (which makes him itch to move away from her), eats like it’s a normal day, probably because him and Jake arguing now is normal. She looks very calm for the tension in the air—-her tail curled to herself and ears covered by her hair.

Spider, who’s sitting near Kiri, eats cautiously, eyes flickering to Mom every few seconds like he’s scared she’s going to kill him (Not that she wouldn’t now, anyway). There’s the soft hissing of the mask every second, but from the looks of it Spider is trying to control how loud it is so Mom doesn’t say anything.

Mom…This breaks his heart into a million pieces. Ever since the funeral, Mom hasn’t taken his necklace off. Her eyes are sunken in grief, her tail is still, ears pinned to her head. Like Tuk, her hands tremble as she eats. Lo’ak doesn’t remember the last time he heard her soothing voice after the funeral. 

And Jake. 

Lo’ak looks back down at his plate. Chewing has become an annoying task to complete, he can’t stomach the rest of his tasteless food (Ungrateful bitch). He wants to finish it though, but…UGH! 

He clears his throat. “I’m not hungry.” He says quietly, pushing away his bowl. Mom slowly raises her head, which makes him shrink. Her eyes look so dead, completely different from the bright light in her eyes a few moons ago. 

“Is it not good?” She asks, her voice hoarse. He nearly flinches from the cracks and shakes his head timidly. “No. No, it’s…great, but I’m not hungry right now so…” His words trail off awkwardly, giving him the strong urge to slap himself so hard. 

Mom stays quiet and looks down at her food again, shoving fish into her mouth. Lo’ak waits for her to say something, but she doesn’t. She just…accepts.

Which kills him.

Normally, if he were to not finish his food, Mom would lightly scold him with an additional slap on the head and watched till he finished every single last crumb. 

But this isn’t normal. 

Normal is when Neteyam sat next to him with a grin on his face, teasing him about Tsireya when Dad would ask about the training. Normal is when Neteyam helped around before dinner, saying a funny joke that would have made Mom laugh, and dragged Lo’ak next to him if he didn’t come. 

Normal is when Neteyam was alive.

But now he isn’t.

And it’s all his fault.

Lo’ak waits a few more seconds before setting up the table and going over to his unrolled bedspread. As soon as he hits the soft rug, his eyes close, but sleep doesn’t come to him easily…it never does after…

He shifts and turns. Eventually, he hears his family gathering up to sleep in their corners. When he thinks everyone’s asleep, he pries one eye open and sees Kiri’s back facing him. He sighs softly and turns in his bedspread again.

This time he’s facing the spot where Neteyam used to sleep. He even imagines him lying down on his bedspread, curled within himself to give warmth. His face serene without any worry about anyone or anything. 

It’s almost unbearable for me to close his eyes, his mind plagued by flashes of Neteyam only. Some of them are memories, some are nightmares…horrible nightmares. 

Yet, sleep is so convincing that his lids are heavy and flutter shut after a few moments. 

Dark is all he sees, but not for long. 

He opens his eyes, blinking the blurriness out of them before realising he’s in the forest. His feet met with the warm prickly grass, tickling him that he nearly cracks a soft smile. 

Laughter.

His eyebrows scrunch down and he crouches, silently approaching the joyful sound. In the back of his mind, he knows who laughs like that and he hopes he’s wrong because he can’t bear to face him.

Eywa is never on his side.

Because he’s sitting right there, playing with the fish in the pond. His braids flick to the side as he laughs happily, the fish kiss his calves before swimming away again only to come back and repeat.

Then he looks at him. Lo’ak forgets how to breathe.

“Baby bro!” He beams brightly, patting the space beside him. Lo’ak decides to follow and sits down next to him, unable to even look at him so he stares hard at the fishes that pass back and forth between their legs.

“Aren’t they nice?” He asks, eyeing them with glee. “Kiri would love these guys.” Lo’ak nods, swallowing hard. His eyes flicker to the beads that are now clicking against each other, betraying him.

“Yeah,” he says stupidly, knowing that he should say something else. 

Silence.

Then a gust of wind blows and before he knows it, he’s back at Awa’tlu. He looks to the side to see the marui lit, his family laughing inside like nothing had ever happened.

He looks back at the pond, a frown set in his face. Then he feels an elbow nudge his waist, making him wince. “Relax, Lo. You look like I’m gonna kill you like feral ilu.”

It takes everything in Lo’ak to not flinch at his voice. It sounds so real, like he’s actually next to him but how can he? He killed him. He had taken away his meaningful life.

“Hey, you good?” He asks, Lo’ak closes his eyes and tries to calm down his thundering heart once again. He then opens his eyes and stares at the lake in front of him.

“Did you do something? Want me to take cover?” At those words, he starts to tremble. Neteyam always took cover for him, even if he didn’t ask. It pains him that his dreams are so accurate with reality.

Silence falls between them again. Lo’ak feels so bad that he’s not talking but it’s like his mouth is clamped shut. Words aren’t coming to him at all. 

Then—

“Oh, I get it.” He doesn’t think his brother understands. Now the fish are swimming away, far, far away like something dangerous has entered their waters. It makes his frown deepen. 

“Do you blame yourself?”

Those words make him freeze. 

“What?” Is the only word that leaves his mouth, quiet in shock. 

Suddenly as if Eywa is forcing him to relive his worst mistake he has ever done, something turns his head and makes him watch Neteyam. His eyes begin to water the moment they reach Neteyam, who’s still smiling.

“Don’t lie, baby bro. You know what I’m talking about.” Neteyam’s smile softens into a smirk. Lo’ak has never felt so scared of his brother in his entire life. 

Then he’s falling down into the dark abyss. He doesn’t know whether he’s screaming, maybe he’s not or maybe he is. Neteyam’s sitting figure grows smaller and smaller. 

He meets the end, his shoulder slamming into the floor. He groans and pushes himself up, trying to understand his surroundings. It’s dark everywhere, is the only thing he can say to describe it,

His head snaps to look in front of him, the force holding his head with so much strength that he thinks his skull might crack. Neteyam’s standing in front of him, smile gone and bleeding gunshot.

“No…” Lo’ak mumbles, trying to get back but Eywa hates him so she pushes him closer to him. 

The gunshot bleeds just as it did before, like a flowing waterfall that will never stop and scars him as much as it did before. A tear falls down his cheek at the pain of watching his brother die in front of him. 

“I did…so much for you” He says with a bitter look in his eyes, “And this is how you repay me? LIKE THIS?!” He roars at the end, baring his fangs. Lo’ak flinches and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” He mumbles repeatedly, his voice croaky. The force still captures his face, his neck now aching with the twist. His heart thumps violently against his ribs, completely contrasting to what he felt through palms on the bullet wound that killed his brother.

“Do you even know how it felt?” Neteyam hisses. 

Then—

Lo’ak gasps violently, pain blooming from his heart. His hand immediately reaches up his heart and looks down to see…

A bleeding wound.

Just…like…him.

He gasps for air, trying to fill his lungs desperately with enough air but every gasp isn't enough. His knees buckle to the floor, hand curled on the floor to give him some ground. He tries to call for help, but his voice is caught in his throat.

“Tey—Teyam—Help—” He chokes out, looking at the floor. His chest hurts from the blooming pain of blood dripping onto his hand that’s gripping his chest. He glances at his hand and nearly barfs at the sight. 

It reminds him so much of—

“This,” The force pulls Lo’ak chin up, making him look at his brother who’s kneeling in front of him. “Is all your fault, Lo’ak. I’m just giving you what you deserve.” 

Lo’ak whimpers and stammers, “Tey—” He gasps again, noticing how his senses are slowly getting numb. “Please—Teyam!” His voice goes higher as his brother takes his knife out of his sheath. 

He raises the knife, aiming at his neck. 

“NETEYAM!” 

Lo’ak wakes up gasping heavily. He glances down at his hand which is covering his thumping heart. It takes him a few seconds to realize that his nails are biting into his skin, leaving crescent marks around his heart as if someone had tried to rip it out of him. 

He looks around to see his family sleeping peacefully (He could never imagine sleeping peacefully), in their mess of tangled limbs. Tuk being squashed in the middle by their parents and Kiri on the side of Mom, backs touching each other. His eyes roam and land on Spider, who is sleeping much closer to the family than Lo’ak is but just far enough that Mom won’t kill him.

He sighs, throwing his head back as he squeezes his eyes shut. 

Fuck…

He hates sleep, but he wants to! His eyelids are even heavy now, begging him to go back to his slumber, but he can’t. He is worried about the dark visions that await him. Neteyam’s cursed and bleeding haunting is a stain in his mind, just like his—

Lo’ak shakes his head, before he gets up and sneaks out of the marui into the dark night. The feeling that washes over him the moment he steps out on the grainy beach is like relief, like his home is a cage. 

Well, not really home. Home is a thousand miles away where the Omaticaya are.

Neteyam begged to go home…

Lo’ak jumps down from the walkway and walks along the shore, feeling the prickly yet soft texture of sand underneath his feet (It reminds him of the lush, long grass at home). Even at quarter of a cycle, he’s still mesmerized by the way the waves brush the sand like warm hugs before slowly slipping away. 

But…to come to think of it, home is a strange thing. Home doesn’t have a specific place in his heart, maybe he misses with great sorrow the forests and memories they made but never because of the people. He gets treated the same everywhere; Like a demon from the sky. 

Like the people who killed—

He finally reaches the shore, stopping just as the waves leave a gentle yet swift touch to his toes. It brings a direct reminder of the fish in his nightmare, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut tightly, soft colors bloom in the dark of his eyes.

Thump Thump

Thump Thump

Thump Thump

He lets out a shaky breath and opens his eyes, having to blink a few times to get clear vision before looking up at the stars. They shine so bright tonight or maybe it’s because he hasn’t properly looked at them since the forest. 

Not since—

Lo’ak lets out a frustrated noise and smacks his temple, trying to block all thoughts of Neteyam. Why does he have to make everything about Neteyam now? 

Another sigh passes through his lips as he stares at the tranquil waves and sinks down to the ground, watching with…well, something between peace and the raging war in his mind. He wishes that it would stay silent—He wishes that everything could be silent for just a single moment…

Then he can finally breathe. 

The Naranawm stands great and proud in front of his vision, nearly covering the dark void of the night. Stars shine like his very own Tahnì that is scattered across his limbs and body. It glows softly in the dark—He hopes that no one will see him because of it.

So he sits there for the rest of night, eyes fluttering every once in a while as a lingering reminder for sleep, yet his pride outshines the urge to fall asleep and he stays awake. He’s glad he did because he watches later on as the sky dissolves into a perfect blend of colors for the emerging Tsawke.

It’s kinda…pretty.

Knowing fully well that Jake will reprimand him if he doesn’t see him on his sleeping mat, Lo’ak exhales deeply through his nose and grunts as he gets from his sitting. It’s very hard to ignore the further cramps when he’s been sitting in the same position without any twitch like a log. 

He drags himself back to the marui and quietly pads on the woven fiber floor over to his sleeping mat. 

He does notice how Tuk is sleeping like a—What was that sky-people word again? Sarfis?— and his parents have drifted away from each other. He frowns slightly at the sight as their parents have always stuck together like glue, even when fast asleep. 

The past week has been challenging for the entire family. 

Mom won’t stop wearing the paints that she wore for his funeral. She applies it every early morning without fail and he will never forget the time when he had woken up early to see her drunk in her grief as she swiped a line of black paint over her face from her two eyes. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, the way she dragged her fingers sends his heart pumping with fear.

Kiri, now reunited with Spider, has been trying to accept Neteyam’s…thing and continue her days like everything is normal. He doesn’t know how she manages to stay sane with her mind in the situation—He’s literally on the verge of insanity with the waging war with his thoughts.

Tuk. Tuk is someone who Lo’ak will always be jealous of yet sympathize. Stuck during a war at a young age, even he would start bawling his eyes out (It isn’t that hard to make him cry anyway), yet she stands strong. Sure, she’s also going through pain but she somehow has it in her to smile through these dark days. 

Spider may or may not be counted in the family, but Lo’ak cares and maybe he’s not as observant as Neteyam but right now, his best friend isn’t okay. He seems off and nervous as if something is weighing him down, leaving an electrifying mark across his back. Whatever it is, Lo’ak doesn’t know what to do about it…He never does.

And Jake.

He grimaces at the mere thought of him and decides to get his “observations” over with…including Jake.

Jake is an interesting person. Mom always tells him and his siblings that when they first met, he was a skxawng, a stupid grown baby who didn’t know anything about his surroundings at all, which is ironic since Jake always taught them to be aware of everything that’s happening around them. But later as she taught him, his learnings and Eywa’s acceptance led him right to where they were right now—with a big, happy family.

She also tells Lo’ak that he’s an exact copy of him—his son though and through with all the impulsiveness and skxawng ass energy (Lo’ak has long accepted that he can be an ass sometimes) At first when he was younger, if anyone were to say this, he would jump up and down happily to be compared with Dad. 

Dad…

Dad was like his grown-up best friend. He vividly remembers that he didn’t let Dad do anything alone in the hopes of being just like him by analyzing everything he did. It didn’t go as per plan though because even at a young age, Lo’ak was easily distracted by many things so observations went to nothing. 

But still Dad didn't mind back then, happily letting him get on his back as they played ikranay or acted like Lo’ak was Toruk Makto with Dad being the ever aggressive Toruk. They would hiss at each other, not bothering to hide their smiles and as an attack? Lo’ak just got tickled every chance Dad got. 

And then Lo’ak had done something—something probably stupid to others but made sense to him— and managed to get on “Toruk’s” back, hollering like a little warrior…He was a warrior according to his seven cycled self.

But then cycles passed. The sky-people came back, even stronger according to Mom, and they weren’t going back so down easily. Happy moments turned into fear of losing everything. Their home had been burned down in a blaze of dancing fire. They had settled into the mountains. They were charging into battle, knowing that there was a chance they could die (It never hit Lo’ak until…).

And Dad…

Became Sir.

Became Jake. 

Jake had turned into their commander. There was no room for Dad again…at least not for him. He never deserved it with number of mistakes, set-backs and fucked-up moments throughout the years, and with those moments came scoldings. 

The first time Lo’ak had heard Jake call him a disappointment, he had cried his heart out alone deep in the forest on a tree branch. Neteyam had found him, of course, and though he did say a few things to try and make him feel better, Lo’ak was grateful that he was there. 

And as more time went by, more mistakes and more scolding. Soon Lo’ak had started to get used to it, though Jake’s words still left an impact on his mood for the rest of the day. But even with all of the scolding, he never changed. He always said Sorry and never fucking changed no matter how much effort he tried. 

He already knows that Jake doesn’t love him anymore, especially not after he killed Neteyam. 

“You’ve done enough.”

It broke everything in him as soon as those words slipped from Jake’s lips. It took everything in him not to break down screaming in front of Tsireya, wishing it was him Eywa had taken and not Neteyam.

He still wishes that. 

Lo’ak gulps and sinks to his sleeping mat quietly, making sure that he doesn’t make any sound. He lies straight on his back, staring at the ceiling because people with great and fucked-up minds do that. 

His eyes are dangerously fluttering again, the urge to sleep even stronger from the heavy eyelids but he shakes his head and continues to stare at the ceiling, trying not to blink. 

He doesn’t even know how much time has passed until he hears footsteps. He immediately shuts his eyes and acts like he’s sleeping peacefully. 

He can’t really identify who that is by the sound of the steps, but it sounds heavy. 

The footsteps pad, sound gradually getting softer until they stop. Lo’ak peaks, one of his eyes opening and then frowns at the sight of Jake sitting on the walkway to the marui, looking downcast at the water below. 

Lo’ak wants to get up and sit down next to him, to say something just as Dad said once before when he was younger, but he ignores the thought and acts as if he’s sleeping just in case Jake spares a glance at the family.

He tries to ignore the soft sigh and shifting noises from outside, but his ears twitch with every movement.

Then—

“I know you’re awake, Lo’ak.” He hears a tired voice. 

Lo’ak stiffens, eyes popping wide open as he looks at Jake who’s giving him a weary look. He gulps and realizes he’s not getting out of this when he hears him say, “I also know you snuck out last night.” 

He stands up, tail hanging low as he walks towards Jake with his eyebrows—those fucking weird pieces of hair—drawn together. He sinks down next to him and gulps again, waiting for the other to speak.

But he doesn’t.

Jake stares at the water below, making Lo’ak look at the water just to see what’s so interesting. There really isn’t anything; the fishes are just following their routines.

Lo’ak’s stomach squirms at the reminder of the fishes.

“Do you blame yourself?”

“Where were you?” The voice is cold and he knows very well that by the tone of Jake’s voice, he wants straight answers only. 

Lo’ak shrugs, “Out.” Like his nightmare with his dead brother, he doesn’t spare a glance to the man next to him. 

He hears a sharp inhale. 

“Look at me and answer.” 

Lo’ak is glad that the force of Eywa like in nightmare isn’t real because he doesn’t move his head even by an inch to show he’s listening even though he is. 

“Hey!” 

He feels a hand grab his jaw and then he sees Jake. Not his Dad. The commander. 

“Show me respect and answer.” He hisses, releasing his hand from the jaw. It leaves a phantom pain in his cheeks and Lo’ak is too stunned to get shit together for an answer, lip parted stupidly with no sound passing through. His eyes are a bit wider than they have been lately and he just stares at Jake before gulping. 

“I—I went to the shores to watch the waves. I couldn’t sleep.” He says with the same expression etched on his face. 

Jake shakes his head disappointedly, “In the middle of night?” 

Lo’ak feels his ears go down further than he ever knew…or maybe the same as when he had heard those…desolate words “You’ve done enough.” It’s the way he asks it that makes a chill of fear go down through Lo’ak’s spine. 

It’s the way Jake talks to his enemies…Dangerous. Angry. Deadly.

Was Lo’ak so bad that he had become a stranger within the family? A silhouette of darkness and everything that Jake and Mom hated? 

He doesn’t really feel like it’s unfair. After all, he deserves it when he’s the reason for Neteyam’s death, killing him with his bare hands and stupid brain. 

Stupidstupidstupidstupidstupid—

He swallows again and looks away towards the marui where the rest of the family is sleeping soundfully, having no clue about the tense moment entering on the walkway of the marui.

“Yeah…” 

Fuck.

He probably sounds fucking stupid, just as he did in his nightmare. He wants to stay something more than a word, but he feels as though Jake listens closely like a predator, ready to say another comment to whatever word passes through his lips.

“Is that all you’ve gotta say?” He can hear the strain in his voice, probably he’s trying not to shout and wake up the peacefully sleeping members. 

Lo’ak nods. Jake scoffs, “It’s a miracle I didn’t ground you after yesterday. Go on, start your chores, and if you slack off…” He looks at Lo’ak with a dead look in his eyes, “You really wanna find out what I’d do?” 

At that Lo’ak stands up and stalks away, hugging himself at the intensity of the words burning in his mind. 

Great! Now to add to fucking war in his mind, he has Jake sending death threats to him for stupid chores. Life’s great.

He sighs shakily and continues walking on the bouncy woven walkway, heading towards the weaving hut of the village, passing a few Metakyinas who spare an apologetic glance at him before continuing on with the day.

It isn’t very early, but not late either. Perfectly the time for nearly all of the village to wake up and have breakfast then do work. Lo’ak skips the breakfast part, of course and it’s not like Jake even asked him anyway. 

It’s fine. 

He’s not into food anyway right now. 

He gets up and goes to the weaving hut where there are few materials and projects left lying around. Weaving is an important part of the Metakyina culture—It was even so for the Omaticaya— since it’s needed for their entire village. 

The adults are in charge of weaving for the marui’s. It seems as a daunting task, in Lo’ak’s opinion, since you have an entire family depending on that one marui to be made strong enough to hold and house all of them.  

Being new here, Lo’ak’s stuck on baskets to which he really doesn’t mind. Weaving is already an annoying task though he does it very well with his extra finger—the one time his extra finger is not a burden—. He doesn’t enjoy the cramps that he gets after and it takes too long for his patience to even cope. 

Once he sees his half-completed basket, he immediately grabs it and starts to continue where he left off. He sighs deeply as he tries to recollect the pattern he did then picks up the strips of thick leaves, weaving them back and forth. 

As his fingers work, he remembers what Olo’eyktan Tonowari had said before when they started to settle down into Awa’tlu. He was teaching them about weaving; Them was Lo’ak and Neteyam. It was a big weaving project and he barely remembers what they were making, but he still remembers the exact words that the Olo’eyktan said.

“Work together like brothers. You are building a house. You’re building your village. You’re building a family.” 

Lo’ak continues to work delicately (For once in his life) on the basket. It appears to be looking and holding just fine. 

At this time, the others have started to pile in, a little surprised that he’s there. He deeply wishes that they remain quiet and don’t send any apologetic looks or even say I’m sorry. He can’t deal with any more shit than he’s dealing with.

Thankfully, they all just go to their work, silently talking from time to time. He doesn’t care enough to snoop and wonder whether they’re talking about him. 

Finally before lunch, he’s finished with the basket. He keeps it down and gestures to the adult in charge who is holding a project of her own. She glances at his work and nods, “Give it to the fisherman, would you?” 

He nods and holds the basket in his hands, walking out of the hut with relief. Most of the people in charge of weaving were women. There were no young boys to talk to and even if there were any girls, he would ignore them…

Lo’ak hears laughing and looks up to see five young girls copying another older girl—Tsireya, he realized. She spins around, dancing with her arms and hips moving gracefully. 

Maybe not that girl…

She makes delicate gestures with her hands, swirling them before stretching them out on both sides, slightly angling down. Then with a slow and gentle turn, her eyes lock onto his, blinking with so much grace that he’s so sure he’ll drown from it.

The grip on the basket tightens and he knows he’s staring at her back, swallowing as he notices the faint third eyelid. Her hair cascades down from one shoulder, a flower blooming bright orange to break from the curly darkness. 

Tsireya flashes a bright, cheeky smile, showing her cute dimples and he feels his lips tugging into a gentle smile before turning away. Eywa, she was the most ethereal being to even stand beside him. 

Oh, how he wanted to be hers, and only hers. 

Lo’ak’s gentle smile fades into something more gentle and loving as he thinks about the future. He’s always been shy whenever the thought about her being his mate enters his mind, but it’s his greatest wish for he…

He likes her. 

Love will come later when they’re older and he’s glad that they are becoming closer—Hang on!

His smile fades as he realizes that he hasn’t even talked to Tsireya for a week since Neteyam. Fuck, she might think he’s straying away from her, which to be honest, he doesn’t really want to talk to anyone right now. 

But if he ignores her like how he’s ignoring his family, she’ll get hurt and he doesn’t want to hurt her, but he probably already hurt her. 

Ugh!

He continues to walk down on the bouncy walkway, feeling each fiber grazing against his foot until he reaches the edge of Awa’tlu. He notices the fishermen, patching up their nets and sharpening their spears. 

And though he doesn’t want to admit it, they look very intimidating with their buff stature and bold yet intricate tattoos. 

With an awkward cough, he announces his arrival, shifting from one foot to the other. 

The fishermen look up from their work, slightly raising their hairless brows at his arrival. They glance at the basket in his arms, which thoroughly remind Lo’ak why he’s here.

He brings a hand to his forehead and brings it down before taking a few steps closer to the fisherman working on his net, deciding that he looks less intimidating without his spear. He awkwardly extends his arms to give the woven basket. 

The fisherman nods and takes the basket. He then gestures to Lo’ak back and goes back to his work on the net.

Lo’ak takes this as his sign to leave and strides away from the shore, jumping back onto the woven walkway. He sighs deeply and tries to remember what other chores he has to do. When he finally remembers that he has to take care of the illus after lunch.

But food again is still not an interesting thing for Lo’ak to consume so he skips it, sitting on the beach and staring at the waves while trying to shut down his annoying blood-stained thoughts about Neteyam. 

By the time the village is done with their lunch, he walks over to the ilu pens, nearly letting out a huff of amusement at how they're already making noises of excitement by seeing him. He guesses it’s because they think he’s bringing them food, which he is.

He reaches out to one of the ilu’s who seem to have taken deep interest in his hand. With another huff, he rubs her snout gently before letting go and searching for the basket of fish that he should give them. 

After a thorough search, he sees a basket of fish stacked away to be hidden by the ilus. Those cheeky creatures are too naughty and playful to listen and wait patiently for their food, but it’s not like he can talk—he’s known very well for being an impatient skxawng in the family. 

Neteyam would make fun of him for it.

He shakes his head, trying to block all thoughts of his brother. 

With trembling hands, he takes the basket of fish and shakes his head again in amusement at how excited the ilu are for food. He decides to be fair and give each 2 pieces of fish; they are quite large after all. 

He watches at peace as they squeak and play with themselves. 

He honestly wishes that he could be an ilu at this point. The way they just have fun with the water and the others without any difficulty is something that he’s lost along the way of his entire life. He wishes he could have their thoughts instead of the fucked-up raging war going on his head. 

But Eywa hates him, so she’s made him into a Na’vi for everyone to poke at and look at like a doll. To judge and throw all criticism towards because why not? It’s what he’s made for. 

Another sigh rips from his lips. 

The only thing he wants to do right now is scream or at least talk to someone (even though he doesn’t want to talk to anyone? He swears he’s so confusing sometimes…or maybe all the time). Who can he talk to though—

Payakan?

Payakan!

Lo’ak’s eyes widen at the thought and realize that he has to—No, needs to go to Payakan. 

He looks at one of ilu’s, searching for his ilu, Nikiro. He calls out to him, making clicking noises with his tongue and then receives a squeak in return.

“Nikiro,” He breathes out. He glances around to see the saddles and grabs one very quickly, sliding it down his neck to which he responds eagerly as if restless to get out. Nikiro slaps his fins against the water, splashing water on him. 

“Hey, calm down!” He tries to say, “You’re making too much noise!” The ilu splashes water on him again and Lo’ak closes his eyes as it hits him, wiping it off with his hand. 

“Lo’ak!”

He turns to see Kiri and Spider heading towards him quite quickly, looking slightly happy. It’s becoming a bit annoying actually. How can they be so happy after burying their older brother a week before.

He swallows and nods towards them. “What?” 

Kiri stops in front of him, panting. “Where are you going?” She sounds very interested in the topic itself and he doesn’t know why, but he responds. 

“To Payakan.” He mumbles, wondering why she’s asking this.

Spider frowns. “Who?”

Kiri slaps the back of his head, “His Spirit brother, skxawng!” 

Spider nods slowly, trying to put that piece of information in his head. 

At the corner of his eyes, Lo’ak sees Ao’nung, Rotxo and…Tsireya. He gulps at the sight of her and then turns sharply to Kiri, brows drawn together. “Why’s everyone coming here?” 

She shrugs, “We just wanna get out of here. Maybe we can all meet Payakan formally or something?” She glances around at the others who’ve come. They all nod at the idea, looking seemingly bored of being pent up in the village. 

Lo’ak hesitates. “I…I don’t know whether he’ll be comfortable with you guys…” That’s a lie. He knows very well that Payakan, being an outcast within his clan, would love to meet anyone who’s kind to him, especially Lo'ak's friends or family.

And if he was being honest, he just wanted to vent out his problems to Payakan like the bad friend he was, shouldering all of his problems onto the poor tulkun. He didn’t need to worry about him anymore than he already was since Neteyam—

“Pleaseee, Lo’ak.” Kiri begs. She stares at him with what Jake calls “Puppy eyes” (What even is a puppy?) Spider follows, though his eyes are just wide, nearly making Lo’ak snicker at how dumb he looks. 

It doesn’t stop there as Ao’nung, Rotxo and Tsireya copy too. In Lo’ak’s opinion, the rest of them look like many ilu faces squished while Tsireya’s face looks adorable. Maybe he’s being biased, maybe he’s not. 

But he just can’t say NO to HER face, especially not since she’s so cute! 

“Okay, fine!” He gives in, throwing his arms up in exasperation. He turns away from the happy group, nearly shaking his head as they whisper-shout exclamations of happiness. He seriously doesn’t believe that they’re happy because of him. 

But maybe…a little part of him…just a little believes that they really do care about him in the friend group (It’s such a foreign word within his mind).

He jumps off the walkway and dives into the water, grabbing onto Nikiro. He makes the bond quickly. Eagerness and excitement flows through, electrifying his spine, and suddenly he’s also eager to reach beyond the waters and go to Payakan. 

Lo’ak then urges Nikiro to go up to let him do his breath-up. He glances at the others behind, who are just entering the water and takes a few deep breaths before submerging himself within the water. 

Nikiro squeaks happily and Lo’ak smiles, letting him go faster. The bond pulses through them; He can feel how happy the ilu is to be here. The feeling is so strong that he can’t help but smile brightly. 

They reach beyond the reef when the sky turns into a blend of colors and it’s where Lo’ak gets flashbacks of the akula attacking him, nearly drenching the ocean with his blood. Suddenly the only thing that courses through him is fear, the fear of dying yet again by the hands of that horrid creature. 

He hears splashing noises from behind. Paranoid, he turns around to the others jumping in and out of the ocean with glee. They’re just having fun, he thinks to himself. He still gets jealous of them and how their thoughts don’t plague their minds. 

And as if on cue, his mind flashes a scene of him trying to reach the surface but it’s too far and slowly his limbs stop working and he sees himself sinking towards the ground like a stone. He can’t imagine if him and Neteyam had died…Well, Neteyam’s already—

Nikiro screeches, jerking away from Lo’ak. Lo’ak yelps, losing air bubbles and urges the ilu to go up. The bond nearly breaks but he holds together and rubs the back of Nikiro’s neck. “Sorry.” He murmurs, trying to sound gentle as he makes squeaks of despair. “I’m sorry.” 

Great, now he knows how to fuck up a bond between an ilu and him! Great!

With a sigh, he turns behind to see the others catching up. He glances at Tsireya, wondering why the fuck his eyes even went towards her before looking at the horizon. “Payakan!” He calls out, cupping his hands around his mouth. Nikiro slaps his fins against the water, squeaking as if to call Payakan himself.

“Payakan!” He raises his voice an octave higher, wondering how loud he’s going to have to shout for this tulkun. He really hopes that he comes because he can’t deal with hanging out today, not when he’s in the mood for nothing at all.

“Payakan!” He hears another voice call him, and surprisingly it is Ao’nung. He stares at him, dumbfounded before swallowing and continuing. The others join in and soon enough they hear a rumble.

Lo’ak glances down, hoping it’s not the akula, but lucky for him, it’s Payakan. He gets off Nikiro and swims over to his brother, settling down on his big fin. Ao’nung follows him and gestures to the tulkun before plopping down beside him, to which Lo’ak glances at him from the side with a frown of confusion. 

Kiri, Tsireya, Rotxo and Spider gesture to him too and get on top of him, Payakan happily lets out a moan. Lo’ak slightly grins at the sight; he’s happy that his spirit brother is getting the recognition he deserves.

“So…what do we do now?” Rotxo asks, trying to break the silence. Payakan suddenly lets water from his blow hole, startling the young Metakyina with a yelp. Everyone laughs as Rotxo gags, “Ugh! Bleh!” He scrunches up in discomfort. 

Lo’ak grins and signs as he talks to make Payakan understand as well, “At least you got drops of it. I got sprayed all over my body, and this skxawng,” He enunciates, looking his brother in the eye with a playful glare. “Didn’t even apologize!” 

As a response, Payakan lets out a string of noises, to which Lo’ak understands; Brother, it was your fault for jumping! I clearly gave you signals that I was going to let out water!

He shakes his head in amusement and realizes that everyone is looking at them with a smile. He stares at them back and forth, each gaze landing on one of them. “What?” 

They shake their heads. Then Tsireya says, “We should go to an island nearby. We can do something there—” 

“Or share embarrassing stories.” Kiri adds with a sly smirk, glancing at Lo’ak. He frowns at the sight and is about to ask when Ao’nung interrupts, “About everyone?” He shoots a glance at Lo’ak, thinking he’s so slick. Lo’ak rolls his eyes as Kiri nods. 

“I’m down.” Rotxo says as Tsireya nods, giggling a bit. Lo’ak feels his heartbeat speed up by the light sound of her laughing. She sounds so sweet and happy, unlike him…so broken and annoyingly stuck on something that happened a week before. 

He sighs softly and looks at his Spirit brother, raising his hands to sign. “Can you take us to the island nearby? Tsireya will give directions.” Tsireya then crawls over to Payakan’s fin, switching places with Ao’nung, to which the tulkun makes a noise of happiness.

Brother, didn’t you say you liked this girl? Are you going to confess your dying love for her? Will you even speak properly?

Lo’ak blushes purple and glares at Payakan, signing quickly so no one will understand. Don’t SAY THAT!

The tulkun moans cheekily and treads onto the water, careful to keep half of body up on the surface for Kiri, Spider, Rotxo and Ao’nung to stay dry. Tsireya signs directions for him to follow, Lo’ak shamefully watches her hands carefully. 

They’re so graceful and dainty, as if one touch is a graze of feathers. He gets a flashback of her saying “I See you.” to him, holding his hand, wrapping her normal three fingered hand around his little finger—the finger that’s a permanent reminder of his demon-blood.

He wants to hold her hand again. He wants to hold her in his arms. He just wants—Tsireya, the beautiful, kind, gentle Tsireya who was left behind on the rock to…watchover Neteyam’s bleeding body. Lo’ak frowns to himself, turning away.

AGAIN?! He doesn’t have to make everything about Neteyam! Ugh, he hates his mind! He hates himself for being like this! 

His eyes slightly squint as another thought enters his mind.

If he’s to ever be with Tsireya, she would probably hate it because he’s so sensitive and makes everything about himself being sad or something and she has to deal with his emotional nonsense, just like Payakan. With the raging rotted mind that he has, he refuses to give even a piece of it to Tsireya.

They reach the island a few moments later and get off Payakan who whistles that he will be going in search of food and that if they want, they call him when they are going to leave. 

Lo’ak bids his brother goodbye before heading towards the friend group circle. They are sitting on the grainy shore, and what do you know? Rotxo has left a space conveniently next to Tsireya. 

He sighs softly again and plops down next to Tsireya, giving her a glance before staring at the others. Ao’nung is the first to speak. “So who’s gonna start with the embarrassing stories?” He shoots a hopeful look to Lo’ak, who stares at him deadpanned. 

Kiri catches his expression and they both lock in their gazes. Lo’ak begs with his eyes for a less-embarrassing story than he thinks it is. There are tons of stories that she can tell since he’s Lo’ak. There isn’t a moment in a day where it’s not embarrassing.

“Please…” He whispers underneath his breath. 

She gives him a smirk before speaking up, “I have a story about Lo’ak.” 

Lo’ak glares at her. Eywa, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut, could she?

Ao’nung seems to be listening intently like he will use this piece of information late in case he wants to blackmail. Rotxo doesn’t look like he’s very interested but he still looks at Kiri deep in the eyes, hanging on to every word she’s saying. And Tsireya…

Oh god!

He wishes that the ground would open, making him fall in and the sand would cover him up. He would become one with Eywa, which has always been his nightmare or dream since Neteyam—And he’s doing it again. 

“So we were around like 11 or 12 cycles, Lo’ak thought it’d be really funny to cover himself in the sap of klor vine, which is supposed to be stinky and very strong for sticking broken things together.”

Oh, no. She’s talking about that story.

Lo’ak stares at her in horror as she continues. “And apparently, he heard from other kids that this thing attracts the Atokiriina so he covered every inch of himself with that disgusting sap and then guess what happened?” Kiri asks with an amused smile, surveying the others.

Ao’nung is already grinning at the story. Rotxo, though listening, seems as though he’s thinking very hard. Tsireya—Oh, god, Tsireya!— is halfway through a growing smile. Lo’ak wants to bury himself within the sand. 

“Alright, turns out that it didn’t attract the Atokiriina, it attracted the txumtsyìp.” Tsireya softly gasps. Everyone knows that the txumtsyìp are the foulest bugs to exist on Pandora with their stinging qualities. 

“And then I saw Lo’ak running through the forest, screaming and halfway his legs stuck to himself and even the tail, okay? Then he tripped over his own tail and just rolled over like a log, landing face-first in a pond!” 

Everyone is laughing at this point. Lo’ak flushes with embarrassment, wanting to input a few words but his lips are sealed from how embarrassed he is.

“That’s not all, he got in the pond, okay? Then he got stuck to a rock, like his butt was stuck on the rock and he just wiggled like a baby for a long time! I was laughing so hard!”

Lo’ak cracks an embarrassed smile, which fades as soon as it comes on his lips. He clears his throat to try and make them shut up. It takes them a few minutes to compose themselves again before Ao’nung breaks the silence yet again, “I’m so using this against you!” 

Lo’ak sticks his tongue out and grumbles to himself. Then he realizes that Spider has been quiet the entire time and frowns to himself. It’s not like his best friend to keep quiet for so long and plus, he was fine before. 

Thinking that his thoughts are over doing it, he crosses his arms and looks down at the sand, mood suddenly down. Though the story was embarrassing, it really doesn’t end there, at least not for him. 

“Oh, yeah! Neteyam got so weirded out by him that he said—” Kiri turns to Lo’ak, brows drawn together. “What did he say to you?”

Lo’ak bites his lip to try and remember, fang grazing his dry lips before saying, “You’re actually the dumbest person I’ve met.” He recites, then he remembers the next thing and his eyebrows draw together again, words now slipping through his lips slower. “I’m…not helping you. You can explain this to Dad…yourself.”

It’s not that he’s sad about what he said. That sounds a lot like Neteyam. The problem is that it is Neteyam. He realizes that he can’t make more memories with him, like this. He can’t annoy him anymore. He can’t beg for his help to save him from Jake’s wrath anymore. He can’t crack stupid jokes with him anymore. He can’t do ikran races with him anymore. 

He’s not the younger brother anymore…He’s just…brother.

“Hey, Lo’ak, you okay?” Tsireya’s voice echoes. He snaps out of it and shakes his head before flashing a strained grin. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

They glance at each other before Kiri speaks up, “I didn’t mean to upset you about Neteyam.” 

He stills. “I’m not upset.” He sends them a disbelieving smile at their assumptions. Seriously, he’s fucking fine. “Really.”

“Then why are your eyes tearing up?” She asks gently. Lo’ak frowns in confusion and rubs at his eyes where his knuckles are met with a thin coat of water. Tears…In front of THEM?!

He clears his throat and wipes his eyes again, “Gotta go.” He gets up quickly, nearly making himself dizzy, and runs away from the group, across the island. He knows he should’ve denied their company. They can see everything in him like he’s transparent. 

Lo’ak only stops running when he reaches the shore again and sinks to the floor, panting heavily as he curls into himself. Tears prick his eyes again to which he digs his knuckles in so hard that he starts to see colors of sorts.

He sniffs and curses, “Fuck!” When the tears don’t soak or disappear. His tail droops and curls around his ankle, as if to show him that he’s there for himself. It’s sad as he looks at it; it serves as a reminder that his tail is the only one able to give comfort. 

The tuff brushes against his foot, tickling it but it doesn’t make him happy at all. It just annoys him, just like how everything keeps coming back to Neteaym somehow in his mind. It’s like his brother’s a plague that he wishes would go away. 

He wishes everything could be silent for once in his life. His plagued mind. Neteyam. Why is he here? Why can’t he be with Eywa too? Why did his brother get taken away for nothing? He had so much to live for and he’s just here!

HE’S JUST HERE FOR TORTURE. A TOY FOR EYWA TO PLAY WITH!

Eywa is cruel, Lo’ak thinks as he sniffs again, trying to clear his nose from the snot that’s collecting up inside. 

His ears twitch at the soft footsteps coming. He doesn’t turn around, but as soon as he feels the three fingered hand on his back, he can tell it’s Tsireya. His eyebrows scrunch even further down. He knows that he’s not in a good mood right now and he doesn’t want to burden her with his screaming and shouting. 

“Lo’ak, you know you can talk to me right?” She starts straight away. He nods simply and glares at the waves, annoyed at how they dance happily while he’s having a fucking headache from everything!

The sky is now turning into a blend of darkness. It’s about to be eclipse and they’re not back home yet. Oh, Jake’s going to have his head.

“Lo’ak, please. I can tell that something’s eating your mind. Please let me help.” Tsireya begs softly, looking at him with her big, beautiful pale ocean eyes. He glares even harder at the ocean, nails digging into his arms to control his rising temper. 

He hears shifting then, “You know you’re allowed to feel, right?” He closes his eyes as if he is trying so hard not to snap at her, which he is. He slightly rocks his body back and forth. Her voice, a sound that usually brings him peace, is now starting to annoy him with how much she’s pestering. 

“Lo’ak—” 

“Tsireya, I don’t mean to be rude, but I really don't need your help, okay? Just stop.” He hopes he’s said it in a neutral tone but judging by Tsireya’s wide eyes and shocked expression, he probably just snapped at her. 

Guilt takes over him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it—” He murmurs. 

Tsireya shakes her head, clearing her throat. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m pushing you too much.” She nods slowly and gets up. Lo’ak feels empty now and he wants her to stay even though he’s a fucking piece of shit who doesn’t deserve her. 

“Wait—” He says, but it falls on deaf ears. He’s not even sure whether he says it loud enough for anyone to hear. 

“No, it’s okay.” She repeats, giving him a kind but sad smile. “I will leave you with your thoughts.” Then she leaves him, doing exactly as she said, and Lo’ak hates himself even more. 

He digs his nails further and lets out a cry of frustration as his thoughts enter his mind again. There are too many to even distinguish but he knows they all have one thing in common: His dead brother, Neteyam. 

The victim he murdered. 

Lo’ak’s face scrunches up in pain but refuses to show any sign of emotion so he grabs the nearest rock beside him and throws it into the ocean, repeating again and again, each throw more harsh than the last. 

He barely even knows how much time has gone by when Kiri comes with a hesitant look and notices the rocks in his hand. He turns around by the sound of her footsteps and swallows, staying silent to let her speak. 

“It’s way past eclipse. We gotta go.” Lo’ak nods and gets up, throwing one last rock. With another sigh, he follows Kiri to where the others are (He spares a glance at Tsireya who is somehow already looking at him. They lock in their stares before Lo’ak turns away); they all call for their ilus, who arrive just in time for the ride home. 

Lo’ak wants to say that Nikiro’s happiness spreads through him, heartbeat escalating greatly with the adrenaline but at the same time, his mind won’t quiet down with Neteyam. NeteyamNeteyamNeteyamNeteyamNeteyaym.

He wants to scream. He wants to cry. He wants to punch something, someone. He wants to feel something else. But his pride is the only thing that stops himself from doing any one of those things. 

Nikiro squeaks sadly, which immediately makes Lo’ak say a bunch of apologies in his head, pushing them to his ilu’s mind. Luckily, he accepts them and happily continues on with the journey home. 

As Awa’tlu comes into sight, Lo’ak feels a dread sting through his spine. He knows that Jake will berate him for not being responsible enough to tell everyone to leave before eclipse, and even if he finds a reason, Jake will find anything to beat him up. 

They reach the shores and Lo’ak prepares himself for Jake as they get off their ilus, leading them silently into the pens. He glances up to see his marui lit up, Tuk’s laughter echoes loudly. 

Nikiro’s snout nudges his hand, bringing him back to him. “‘Kay, wish me luck.” He murmurs, rubbing his snout one last time before leaving. Kiri follows behind, Spider quietly follows behind. Lo’ak frowns again. 

It’s now scaring him how quiet he’s become. Even before if he was sad, he would at least say something, but not to the point where he would not utter even a single word. Lo’ak glances at Kiri. He’s surprised that she hasn’t noticed at all.

They enter the marui where Tuk is silently eating again and Mom is sitting beside her, looking very tense with her red eyes until she sees their faces. Jake slowly lifts his gaze from the ground to Lo’ak—Not Kiri and Spider and him…Lo’ak— and it sends shivers down his spine.

“Sir,” Lo’ak starts, trying to ease the tension. “I know we’re late, but—” 

“Oh,” Jake says simply before getting up, walking over to Lo’ak. “So you know you’re late, you know that it’s beyond eclipse, but somehow you’ve managed to come home so late that your mom nearly started having a meltdown.” 

Lo’ak glances at Mom. It makes sense why her eyes are red again, but he hates that he’s the reason. Technically, he’s also the reason why she has the black paint—

“Sir—” He starts again, but Jake cuts him off, dragging him outside by the arm. He winces at how tight the hold is and is nearly thrown like a rag as his commander lets go of him. The urge to massage his arm is strong, but he doesn’t want to look weaker than he is in front of Jake. 

Jake glares at him, eyes dead with fury. “Lo’ak, I need you to understand how tiring it is to lecture you again and again—”

Lo’ak wants to laugh at that. He really thinks that berating him is Jake’s everyday hobby. 

“—We’ve talked about coming before the eclipse so many times and somehow it doesn’t go through your thick head that the eclipse means get back home. You can’t even go beyond the reef. You know how much danger you’re putting Kiri and Spider in—Spider, the kid just started learning the way of water—”

“Sir, it wasn’t even my fault!” Lo’ak says tiredly, ignoring the urge to roll his eyes. If Neteyam were here, he would come in and save his sorry ass before giving him a small scolding himself—ENOUGH ABOUT NETEYAM! 

“They’re the ones who decided to come! I wanted to go to Payakan—” He stops himself. He knows he shouldn’t have said that, and by the looks of Jake’s reaction, he knows he fucked up really bad. 

“Paya—You’re meeting the outcast?” Jake asks sharply. Lo’ak rolls his eyes as Jake continues, “Lo’ak, we’ve also told you a number of times not to go near that outcast! He’s dangerous—and don’t give me that attitude—”

“That outcast is the reason you’re still alive.” Lo’ak grits through his teeth. “You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him!”

Jake scoffs, “No. I—we—wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you!” 

Lo’ak stills. What…?

“The entire reason we even came to Awa’tlu is because of you! Your actions, your reckless stunts is why we had to get away from the forest! And you have the nerve to even give me the attitude for something you should’ve caught on by now?”

Lo’ak wants to believe he’s dreaming. That Jake didn’t mean that because that’s too low for a commander like Jake. He needs to hang by at least a thread that there is a shred of hope for him to become someone like Neteyam. 

But hearing those simple sentences from Jake breaks him more than he’s ever known.

“You’re immature, Lo’ak. You should’ve pulled your weight by now and act decent but you can’t even come back home on time. Be like your brother, Net—” Jake stops himself from saying the name, which Lo’ak is grateful for because his throat is already closing up. 

Air is becoming hard to breathe through his nose so the only option is his mouth and he wants to run away from Jake—away from danger— so badly. His ears are pinned hard against his head and his tail is swishing with the urge to run away.

Lo’ak nods slowly, taking a few steps back. He hopes that Jake will allow him to go, to clear his mind. “Can I go now?” Jake frowns, “Go where?” Lo’ak shakes his head, forgetting all formality and takes flight, running as fast as his body can carry. 

He ignores the shouts from Jake and keeps running, hoping that his commander isn’t following. He runs like his life depends on it, which it sorta does. His mind is screaming all thoughts to kill him piece by piece. His eyes begin to tear up. 

Lo’ak reaches the ilu pen and claps for Nikiro to come again before diving into the water, forgetting all about the saddle. Nikiro eagerly comes to him and he grabs on to him, making the bond. 

He’s very sorry that Nikiro has to listen to his desperation and he can feel how confused the ilu is for a second ride but obliges with determination to help his rider. 

By the time they reach the reef, Lo’ak’s throat is way beyond capable of holding breath and Nikiro, sensing that through the bond, decides to take a sharp turn to bring him to land, but without the saddle, Lo’ak slides off Nikiro and tumbles backwards. 

His left knee and right shoulder come into impact with the rocky hard wall, making Lo’ak hiss through pain as it shoots through his body. Lo’ak’s body, low on air, begins to fail in strength. Nikiro squeaks with fear and carries Lo’ak to land. 

He breaks the surface, Nikiro guiding him near the shore carefully. With coughs, he hisses and drags himself up on the grainy land and realizes he’s still in Awa’tlu and that there's a big chance that Jake can find him. 

Swallowing, he glances back at Nikiro who looks at him with big and concerned eyes, reminding him of Tsireya which leads to him thinking about about he pushed her away which leads to him about Neteyam—FUCK!

“Shit!” Lo’ak curses as he massages his knee then shoulder. They ache with pain a lot, even staining his blue skin with red, angry marks and bruises. His braids brush his shoulder as he rocks forward and he immediately hisses from the contact—

Something wet falls on his cheek as he hisses. He reaches up and realizes it’s a single tear. Nonononononononononononono! Crying isn’t for him—he’s not supposed to—Neteyam didn’t cry when he got hurt—

Lo’ak takes in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down, but thoughts of what Jake said and Neteyam create a barrier from peace and happiness. 

“You’ve done enough.”

“You brought shame to this family.”

“Our actions, your reckless stunts is why we had to get away from the forest!”

“Be like Net—”

Lo’ak blinks away the tears and takes in a few more shaky breaths. He’s heard that more than one time from Jake, but even he’s said that to himself throughout his entire life…He just wanted to be seen.

-ˋˏ. ݁ ⟡🌿 ݁ . ༻❁༺ . ݁ 🌿⟡ ݁ .ˎˊ-  

Lo’ak giggles as he brings his Toruk to his face. He glances at Neteyam who’s talking happily to Spider about something. Today, Neteyam had his first kill with a fish! Yay! He’s so happy for him! He looks Toruk in the eyes, “We gotta be Neteyam!” He smiles happy, giggling.

-ˋˏ. ݁ ⟡🌿 ݁ . ༻❁༺ . ݁ 🌿⟡ ݁ .ˎˊ-  

Lo’ak curls up, hugging his knees close to his body. He messed up today…again and Dad didn’t like that…at all…Then at the corner of his eye, he sees something tucked away in the corner. With trembling hands, he reaches out and realizes it’s his Toruk toy. He brings it eye-level, looking at Toruk with sad coated eyes. “Be like Neteyam…”

-ˋˏ. ݁ ⟡🌿 ݁ . ༻❁༺ . ݁ 🌿⟡ ݁ .ˎˊ-  

Lo’ak sniffs, trying to clear his nose once again and stares at the sand with his eyebrow scrunched down. His lips quiver as if they’re on the verge of releasing a broken cry which he can’t have. 

“Be yourself…” He murmurs, throat aching from his lips actually making words. He lets out a sob accidentally, staring wide eyed at the sand before breaking down, tears streaming silently down his cheeks. 

He tries his best to suppress his tears, biting on his finger to stop crying but it only makes it worse. The pain in his knee and shoulder are there at least, giving him a grounding sense of pain as he continues to cry. 

Angry and broken, he presses accidentally against his knee with his elbow and feels the sharp pain shoot through his nerves. Sniffling, he wipes at his nose and does it again, feeling more peace than he’s ever felt with the pain. 

He does it a few more times before realizing what he’s doing and breaks down again. 

Why does this have to happen to him?Why is he alive, Eywa? Why does she want him to suffer? 

She knows he can’t be like Neteaym in any fucking way. He can’t be the golden child that his parents wish were here. He can’t replace him ever…So—

Why, Eywa?

Please answer…

Why?