Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Being the inexperienced friend or the unwanted friend is not easy. Watching your friends get into relationships and be wanted stings. Minho always wonders, why can't it be so easy for me?
Watch Hyunjin and Changbin for instance. They didn't know each other before Chan had introduced them through a mutual friend. It started slowly but Hyunjin made the first step, they texted, they met privately and inevitably fell for each other (I'll spare you the details, the pining, the fear of rejection). It ended well.
But once these two were happy together they started looking at their friends. Minho overheard Hyunjin talk to Felix once:

"What about Chan hyung?"

"What about him?"

"You would make a cute couple."

Nothing happened for many more months. Felix wasn't having it and Minho didn't talk to Chan about it. But through the grapevine he heard about Chan texting Felix after the latter gave him some baking tips and now whenever Chan tried some recipes he showed off to Felix. One thing lead to another.

Minho could rip his hair out. Why is it so easy for them???

Contrary to what others may think, he has feelings, crushes, people he is interested in, but he also has a great fear of rejection and being perceived as a person with feelings. Especially when Kim Seungmin is concerned.

Before their friend groups properly merged Kim Seungmin was only occasionally at group events. Everything was still quite new. Mainly their group consisted of Minho's friends: Hyunjin, Felix, Jisung and Chan. Later they met Chan's other friends at bigger events, at Chan's birthday for instance. Those friends, Changbin, Jeongin and Kim Seungmin. Minho liked Chan's friends and some of them started to be more often at casual events outside of birthdays, except for Kim Seungmin. But when they met Minho found himself next to him more often than not. They would talk, banter and bicker like they had known each other for ages. Minho is great at lying to himself and not questioning things too deeply, but on a random Tuesday, which had nothing to do with him looking at Seungmin's recent instagram post, he realised he may have a crush on Kim Seungmin. (If you ask him he will deny it).

And the spiral began.

Every interaction will be romanticised as if Seungmin had proposed to him and not simply invited Minho to join him, as well as Chan and Jisung by the way, to try the new Korean BBQ place around the corner.

Minho couldn't think straight anymore and he was dying to talk to someone about it, but the humiliation would be too great. If he told Hyunjin then Felix would know and when Felix knew Jisung would know and then everyone knew. Usually Minho would tell Jisung everything but this time he just can't. This only leaves Channie hyung Minho concludes.

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Minho has known Chan for some years now and they have grown really close. Apart from Jisung he understands Minho just as well and he doesn't blab.
It's been some months since Minho admitted his feelings for Seungmin to himself but has not told anyone about them. Out of fear of judgment and because admitting to them out loud make his feelings way too real. However, Minho is at a stage where he cannot keep it in anymore. He NEEDS to talk about Kim Seungmin and Minho has decided that this Friday was the day he would tell Chan.

He feels absolutely sick thinking about this.

Minho loves spending time with Chan. They are having great food while catching up but today Minho let's Chan do most of the talking while he works himself up to spit it out. Fortunately Chan has a lot to say and fills the silence but after some time the stretches of silence get longer and Minho cannot hold it off any longer.

Chan was just finishing up his story how he had texted Felix again when he was visiting Australia to share a bit of their home with him, which ended up being the last step before they started dating when Chan returned to Seoul.

"Anyway, after all that", Chan concluded, "I landed back at Incheon airport and Lix was waiting for me with a box of his Brownies."

He sighs dreamily looking back at Minho with his dimple smile.

"I need to tell you something." Minho blurts out, finally putting down the cup he held onto like a lifeline.

Chan looks at him expectantly with his ever understanding eyes. Minho can barely keep his hands steady. Carefully ripping the napkin he had, unbeknowenst to him, riveted to when he had put down the cup.

"Well- uh. I don't quite know where to start. It has to do with someone you know. I-"

Minho swallows. He can't quite get the words out. No matter how hard he tries. Just as he opens his mouth again Chan cuts across him.

"Does this have anything to do with Kim Seungmin?" He says amused.

Minho lifts his head, before he had been looking anywhere but him. Mouth agape.

"How do you-? I mean, yes. It's about him. Seungmin, I mean. Well, I don't quite know how to say it but uh uuum I... like him."

Minho's face feels like a furnace. He covers his face out of embarrassment. This was such a bad idea.

Why did he do this??? Now its out. He needs to leave the country immediately. Shit, shit, shit. A warm chuckle startles him out of his downward spiral.

"I was wondering when you would admit it. I had a feeling there was something. How much do you like him? On a scale from 'more than a friend' to 'you don't care that he is the biggest menace we know'? Excluding you of course." Chan chuckles about his own joke.

Minho is dying over here and Chan is having a jolly good time. But a small part of Minho can't help the rush of relief wash over him and allows himself a small smirk.

"If anyone hears about this I will deny it, Chan hyung. But... I suppose that's what I like so much about him. He gets me. He pushes back where others may be offended. Laughs about it."

Minho shakes his head and feels his ears heat up again. He has never said this out loud before.

"You two really have hit it off. Sometimes you're like an old married couple who have to annoy each other to show their affection. It's cute. What do you plan to do about this, Minho?"

That was the big problem wasn't it.

"I have no idea. Will you help me?"

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"Of course I'll help you, Minho. But what is it you want exactly?"

Chan looks at him expectantly as if Minho isn't the only one who hasn't been in a proper relationship before, even though he flirts with Jisung like a professional. But it's Jisung after all. Never serious. But with Seungmin... What does he want?

Seungmin and Chan know each other longer than Minho and Chan have. Talking about Seungmin like someone he has feelings for to Chan makes him feel vulnerable and exposed. Minho could never admit how amazed he is by Seungmin's good looks and his boyfriendish charm. Or how jealousy coils in his belly when Jisung calls Seungmin his boycrush. So what if he feels a little territorial? About time people realise what a catch Seungmin is, but that doesn't mean they can have him. But despite all that Minho isn't exactly sure what he wants either. Thinking about dating Seungmin or even being with him scares him. What if this is only a crush after all? A fleeting rush of intense emotions instead of something long lasting like Changbin and Hyunjin have?

Minho feels Chan's eyes on him. But he doesn't know how to reply.

"I don't know", he admits meekly. "I don't know what I want. I think- I think I want to spend more time with him. Alone."

His ears are burning up again. He can see on Chan's face he finds him cute again, which gives him the push to pull himself together.

"That's a start. You know, I've heard there's this Restaurant not too far from here. I've heard him talk about it and that he wants to try their Kimchi jiggae, but he didn't have the time yet. How about you ask him? Both of you like good food and eventually you could even cook for him", he smirks.

He knows and Minho knows this is a good idea. But Minho is still worried.

"Wouldn't it be weird if I texted him out of nowhere to grab some food?"

What he doesn't say is: Am I not exposing myself?? Might as well write "I have a crush on you" in bold letters on his forehead.

Chan only raises his eyebrow at this and leans back in his chair.

"After Innie almost set his kitchen on fire you invited him to your house and taught him until he could make an omelette without burning it. You didn't think it was weird then, did you?"

Minho hadn't thought about that again. It was an absolute disaster. Physically and emotionally. All Jeongin was talking about was "his Seungmin hyung".

"I don't understand why I have to do this, hyung. It was ONE time. I know how to cook!"

"You should make Seungmin come here. HE is horrible!"

"One time he tried to make waffles with Felix hyung and everything was burned. BURNED!"

After that he didn't care about Minho teaching him anymore. Jeongin kept talking about Seungmin's cooking and baking fails, which were endless. How did he survive until now? Minho had almost asked this out loud, but didn't want to be too obvious and let the maknae talk. He went on and on. In hindsight it would've been a great excuse to force him to come as well and teach him. But Minho didn't have the guts. It was different with Seungmin. Always different.

He sighs.

"I know you're right, but we both know that Jeongin is different. I am his hyung. I was just looking out for him and I've seen him more often than Seungmin. It didn't feel weird to offer or force him to learn some life skills. Texting Seungmin feels like- I just can't."

"What's the worst that can happen? You're friends, Minho. He did invite you to eat Korean BBQ."

"He just wanted me to grill the meat", he retaliates immediately, but can't help smiling at the memory.

They had sat opposite from each other and every so often Minho had to avert his eyes. He didn't want to be caught staring at the younger, but he just looked too cute in his oversized hoodie and the damn sweaterpaws. Damn you Kim Seungmin!
But Minho did end up doing the grilling all night, which gave him the excuse to put some meat on the youngers rice, but mostly Jisung. He didn't want to play favourites, which Seungmin noticed of course.

"Hyuuung. That's the third time in a row you gave Jisung the best piece!", Seungmin kept whining, which made Minho laugh out loud and he gave Seungmin some before giving Jisung and Chan more and more. It went back and forth like this and Seungmin's pout only grew bigger and bigger.

"Don't you like me, hyung?", Seungmin looked at him with these huge puppy dog eyes.

"I don't", Minho had said without hesitation before putting an extra large and juicy piece of meat on his plate. Seungmin's smile was blinding and Minho had to avert his eyes. Instead he smiled like an idiot at the grill.

He still savours the memories of these little interactions with the younger like a lifeline. It has been several weeks since he had seen him and he will be caught dead before admitting this out loud, but he misses Seungmin. Wants to see him.

"Just do it, Minho. I'm certain he will be excited to go. And to go with you."

"I don't know. What do I even say? Why is this so difficult?" Minho mutters to himself as he pulls out his phone.

"You could start with "Hey" or whatever it is you two say as a greeting. Didn't you start calling him daengdaeng or meongmeongie? And then just ask him. Be yourself, Minho."

"That was once! His imaginary tail kept wagging. He looked like an overexcited puppy. I just said what everyone else was thinking."

"Right", Chan chuckles amused, "The place is called Cinema, by the way."

Deep breaths Minho. You're only texting the only guy you've ever liked. No big deal.

Puppy
Go to Cinema with me. Been wanting to try their food and I heard from Jeongin about your abysmal cooking. Can't have you starving.

Sent.

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When Minho left the Café with Chan he immediately went to the gym, locked his phone into a locker and tried to forget about its existence. Naturally it was all he could think about.

What if he read it and didn't reply?

What if he DID reply?

What if he shared it to their newly created group chat and everyone is laughing about him?

Minho wants to throw up. How could he let Chan talk him into this? He will have to move and leave everything behind. There's no way he can show his face to their friends again. Let alone Kim Seungmin. Even though theres nothing he wants more.

Minho looks down as he feels a drop of sweat roll down his nose. Nothing makes time go by faster than a mental breakdown. He has been running on the treadmill for an hour. He was so lost in his mind he hadn't even noticed. He slowly stops the machine and drinks some water, but barely feels it.

He decides its time to go home to his babies. He feels bad for leaving the cats at home for so long, but Jisung is probably home and keeping them company. Minho decides to take a shower at the gym and makes it a point not to look at his phone when he finally goes home. To appease Jisung he buys some jajjangmyeon on the way home. You can't be mad at someone who brings food, right?

He types in their door code and enters. He can already hear the sound of soft paws edging closer to the door, drawn by the sound of the lock. Minho can't help but smile when the cats knock their heads against his legs as a greeting.

"Hyung!" Jisung exclaims, "Where have you been? Oh, did you bring food?"

"Gym and I did", he carefully walks past the cats into their kitchen.

Jisung comes over immediately, unpacks their food and carries it to the table in front of their TV. Fridays, when they aren't going out, they watch anime together.

"You're late and-", Jisung looks at him confused, "since when do you shower at the gym?"

"Was already late. Didn't want to keep you waiting." He sits down on the floor beside Jisung and puts on their show.

"You could've texted, you know" Jisung sits down beside him. Their knees touching.

"I am here now, Hannie. Let it go and eat. Food is getting cold."

Minho starts eating and tries to ignore the charged silence around them, only interrupted by the sounds of the TV. He knows he owes Jisung a proper explanation, but everything he could say ends with Kim Seungmin and before he lies he rather says nothing. He keeps his eyes either one the food or the TV, ignoring Jisung's imploring look before he finally shrugs and eats as well. The tension eases. Life can be so easy with Jisung and it hurts Minho's heart that he cannot confide in Jisung how he usually does. He gently bumps his shoulder against Jisung's in a silent peace offering, which Jisung reciprocates with his usual food stuffed cheek smile. Suddenly everything is as it is supposed to be and they spend their evening enjoying each other's company and their anime before bidding each other goodnight.

Afterwards Minho takes his time to clean up the living room and kitchen, wash up and change to finally go to bed, but his phone is burning a hole through his brain. It's 2am now and he still hasn't had the guts to look at it. With a sudden surge of confidence he grabs his phone and checks the notifications.

Nothing. NOTHING.

The cruel voice in the back of his mind repeats over and over:
IKnewItIKnewItIKnewItIKnewItIknewItIKnewIt

Ignoring all the other messages Minho drops his phone into the drawer of his wardrobe Dori always leaves open and goes to bed. Cuddled into the depths of his blanket and pretending his tears aren't soaking the pillow under his cheek Minho goes to sleep.

Feelings hurt.

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The whole weekend Minho didn't leave his bed. He was wallowing. Curled up into a tiny ball. His insides are falling apart and he is trying to keep them together. Jisung usually leaves him to his devices but he could sense something was wrong, but Minho didn't have the energy. He told him he has a stomach bug and needed to rest. He hasn't touched his phone since that night either and couldn't even remember where he left it.
Ever since that night he repeats the following mantra:

I give up on Kim Seungmin. It's not worth the torment. It was just a silly little crush.

He is numb in his indifference and barely feels his broken heart beating in his chest. It didn't matter anymore. He put himself out there and got his answer. He is totally fine. Totally. Fine.

With that final resolution he drags himself off his bed to take a shower. He may be wallowing, but he also feels disgusting and after two days he should let it go. However, only the thought of forgetting HIM made his heart seize up. Minho closes his eyes and lets the shower drown everything out, even if it was only for a short while.
Stepping out of the shower and back into his room all his agony comes rushing back when he sees Chan in his room. Chan opened his window and was in the process of stripping his bed. Startled Minho stands still in the doorway of his room and watches his hyung methodically clean up his mess of the last two days. Minho was about to make himself known when Chan fishes his phone out of the drawer and Minho's gut clenches uncomfortably.

"Leave it."

Chan turns around to him, but doesn’t put the phone back. He looks at him with something Minho can only call pity and hates it. He scowls and closes the door behind him. He doesn't want Jisung to hear anything.

Since when has he become so secretive? Minho can't remember the last time he has felt so much self-loathing. He turns his back to Chan and puts the fresh sheets on his bed, which Chan had kindly laid out already. Chan is watching him.

"Jisung called me. He said you've been acting weird and suddenly came down with a stomach bug. Mentioned you haven't left your room all weekend. I tried calling you and texted you, but you didn't answer. Now I see why."

Minho doesn't say anything, caught up in the monotonous movements. Ignoring Chan and the way his ears heat up.

"Minho", he adds softly.

So goddamn understanding. Minho closes his eyes. He feels himself crumbling and stiffens his shoulders. He can't do this and blinks repeatedly to keep the tears at bay. Keeps quiet, his mouth in a tight pressed line. Chan is edging closer, but he can't see if Chan is still holding the phone and doesn't care.

"Minho, what happened? Did Seu-?"

Before he can finish Minho interrupts him sharply, breathless like he was stabbed.

"Don't. Don't say that name." He grits out between clenched teeth.

He can no longer pretend to be making up the bed and turns to the window, away from Chan and closes it. The tension is palpable and Minho keeps his back to Chan, but he can see him watch him through the window. When did the sun set?

"Fine. I won't say his name", Chan starts slowly, "But talk to me. Please. What happened?"

He approaches Minho like a scared cat, inching slowly closer without looking at him directly. He isn't holding his phone anymore. Minho closes his eyes again and then he feels Chan behind him. Chan hesitates shortly before lifting his hand and putting it on Minho's shoulder to turn him around.

And Minho crumbles.

He doesn't remember who made the first step but suddenly Minho is pressed against his hyung's chest shaken by violent silent sobs. He tried so long to keep it in. Chan doesn't say anything. He wraps his strong arms around his middle and simply holds him close. Minho has never felt this vulnerable before.

Minho doesn't know how much time passes, but he calms down eventually and Chan gently guides him to his bed and Minho sits down.

"I'll be right back", he whispers gently and leaves the room.

Minho knows he is giving him a moment to collect himself. He has never felt so much appreciation for another person. His ears perk up suddenly. He hears Chan talk to Jisung in the hallway.

"--ust fetching some water, Jisungie. Thank you for calling me. I think he may be feeling a bit better now."

"I don't know, hyung. He was so odd. Are you sure? Is there something I can do?"

Minho tunes them out. He feels a wave of guilt wash over him. He has been such a burden to his friends. He covers his face with his hands and that's how Chan finds him moments later, offering him a cool bottle of water, which he takes gratefully.

"Now", Chan sits down next to him, "tell me what's got you feeling so down."

Minho takes his time thinking about what to say. Trying to put words to the storm inside of him makes him feel silly. Did he really make such a fuss about Seungmin not replying? He sighs defeated and stares at his knees.

"He ignored me", he starts hesitantly, "hasn't replied to my message." He cringes from the hollow sound of his voice. Really cool Minho.

The silence stretches between them like Chan is trying to find the right words to say.

"When was the last time you checked if he replied to you? Min-. Sorry. Sometimes he takes longer. He isn't exactly glued to his phone like Lixie."

Oh he feels so stupid. So incredibly stupid.

"Friday night", he whispers, "when I didn't see anything I couldn't bear looking at my phone anymore. I felt like such an idiot."

Chan gently places the phone into his lap.