Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jack was face down on the bed, moaning shamelessly into the pillow. Robby’s breath was warm against his back as he pushed into him repeatedly. 

It was a good day. They were both middleaged, with mental health issues out the wazoo and both of them taking medications with the side effects of “difficulty reaching ejaculation” and “difficulty getting or maintaining erection”. Sex wasn’t always possible. Often, one or both of them couldn’t get it up. Or the act was interrupted when one of them suddenly got soft. And even if they managed to get it up and keep it up, more often than not, it ended with at least one of them not orgasming. 

Not today though. Jack felt the telltale tensing in his groin, Robby’s rhythm was going to shit. Oh yes. 

But of course, as was the story of Jack and Robby’s whole entire lives, disaster. During his enthusiastic thrusting, Robby slipped out. Instead of doing the sensible thing, taking a moment to realign himself, he seemed too sex drunk to think reasonably. So he trusted forward. 

There was a sickening crunch and then Robby howled out in pain, falling onto his side to grip his quickly softening dick. 

Jack’s anger at having the magnificent pounding interrupted dissipated almost immediately to be replaced by concern. He quickly pushed himself up and turned around to check on his partner. 

Robby was pale as a sheet, tears in his eyes.

“Let me see,” Jack pushed Robby’s hands away. 

Even in the murky light of the bedroom, Jack could already see the beginning of swelling. And not the sexy kind. 

“Get dressed, we’re going to the ED,” he said and rolled out of bed.

Chapter Text

Dana glanced up at the board before looking around the ED. It was a good day. Not that she’d ever say that out loud, it had a tendency to attract the disasters. But so far so good. Still, there was something missing. 

She had meant what she’d said to Robby during the Shift From Hell, she did run a tight ship with or without him. But like he’d said, it was more fun with him there. They’d worked together for so long that they almost worked as one. But there was also no one alive who could drive her up the wall like Robby could. 

Robby had taken a few days off. And suspiciously, so had Dr. Abbot. If Dana was a betting woman, she would bet a large amount of money on the two of them finally making good on the sexual tension between them. It was only a matter of time. 

The shift continued as it had started, just the usual amount of busy and not apocalyptically busy. She’d take it as a win. 

Dana had just been to check on the patient in Behavioural Health (poor thing, she hoped they’d be able to get her up to psych soon) when the doors to the ambulance bay swished open. She glanced up out of habit and immediately did a double take. 

Who came through the doors, but no other than Robby and Abbot. Abbot had his hand on Robby’s arm. And Robby looked like he was on death’s door. He was hunched in on himself, pale as a ghost and sweat dotting his forehead. He looked like shit. 

“The hell are you two doing here?” Dana hurried over and put her hand on Robby’s other arm. “What’s wrong?” 

“Do you have an empty room?” Jack asked quietly. “I’ll handle it, we just need a room.”

She was tempted to snap at him to go sit in chairs. To think they could come into her ED and just start making demands. But Robby did look like he was in an extreme amount of pain. And her motherly instincts took over. Sure, there were only a few years between her and Robby, but his whole being managed to trigger her caretaking instincts. 

“And why do you need a room?” She demanded. 

“Dana, please,” Robby whined, his voice weak. 

“There was an incident,” Jack slowly said eventually, a blush creeping up his neck. “And, uh, Robby has… A penile fracture.” 

Before she could stop herself, Dana let out a loud laugh. She slapped her hand over her mouth to stop herself and she was disappointed by her own reaction. Penile fractures were a legitimate medical emergency. They were right to come here.

Still… Her Chief of the ED had a broken penis. It was pretty funny. 

“It’s not funny,” Robby croaked out. 

“It’s a little funny,” Jack said quietly as he leaned closer. 

“How about I break your dick and then ask you how funny it is?” Robby snarled. 

“Alright, alright,” Dana patted Robby’s cheek. “Why don’t you head over to North 5 and I’ll send over a doctor ASAP.”

“Make sure it’s Collins,” Robby groaned as Jack started guiding him towards the room. 

“Oh no, I think this would be a great teaching case,” Dana quipped.

It was the best day of Heather’s life. She had briefly dated a Swede who’d taught her a wonderful little saying: schadenfreude is the only true joy. While she and Robby worked together well enough and they got along, she still harboured some resentment towards him. 

After the absolute disastrous shift they’d had together the day of the PittFest shooting, they’d found a new understanding for each other. And when he found out that she’d be leaving PTMC at the end of her residency, he looked legitimately upset. He said that he was happy for her, while sad about losing one of his doctors and someone he considered a friend. 

Still, he had been an absolute ass towards her towards the end of their relationship and while she didn’t want to think of herself as a resentful person… She couldn’t help but find it pretty fucking funny that he was in the ED with a broken dick. 

If it had been anyone else, she wouldn’t have laughed at the note on the board. A penile fracture was an emergency. It could leave a lasting impact on someone’s life, both sexual and otherwise. It needed to be treated as quickly as possible to avoid potential lasting damage. But when she found out exactly who was there for a penile injury, she hadn’t been able to stop herself from laughing. 

Heather tried to wipe the smirk of her face and appear at least a bit professional. She looked around the ED, until she spotted the students and the intern. Santos, Whitaker and Javadi respected Robby. And she knew he respected them. They had stepped up big time during the MCI and Robby had been so proud. 

Perhaps it was a bit mean. But it was a good teaching case. It wasn’t every day a penile fracture rolled into the ED. 

“Hey,” Heather said as she walked over to them. “I’m about to head over to a penile fracture in North 5. Could be a good teaching case, if you’ve never seen one.”

Like the good little students they were, the three of them eagerly followed her. Before she knocked on the door to open it, she turned to the newbies. 

“Just so you know, it’s Robby,” she said and before they could make a run for it, she knocked on the door before opening it. 

Robby was on the bed, curled up, hands cupped protectively over his groin. And sitting next to the bed was Abbot, of all people. Heather frowned. Then it clicked. 

The way Robby had been behaving lately, how happy he’d seemed. The very long debriefs with Abbot on the roof. And she’d heard the night staff gossip about Jack’s increased mood as well. 

Well, it made fucking sense. Her whole relationship with Robby, she had felt a bit like that scene in Parks and Rec. This is my boyfriend Mike. And that’s his boyfriend Jack. 

“Hello Robby,” Heather said, hoping she managed to keep the mocking tone out of her voice. “I’ve got some student doctors with me today.” 

“Oh my fucking god,” Robby croaked out, squeezing his eyes shut. “Just get urology down here.” 

The students peeked into the room and Whitaker was red as a tomato. Javadi looked like a deer in headlights. And Santos looked like Christmas had come early. Yeah, bringing them might have been a bad idea. And while Heather was still angry at Robby, she couldn’t help but feel bad for him. 

“Now, now,” Abbot patted Robby’s shoulder and grinned. “It’s important for the students to see all kinds of injuries. How else will they learn?”

“Shut the fuck up, this is your fault,” Robby growled. 

“It’s not my fault your aim is shit,” Jack pointed out. 

“Hold on,” Javadi suddenly spoke up. “Why would it be Dr. Abbot’s fault?” 

Whitaker nodded in agreement as he pulled out his little notepad and pen, prepared to take notes. 

The silence that settled in the little room was deafening. Heather looked at Jack and then at Santos, who rolled her eyes so hard Heather worried she might pull a muscle. 

“They’re fucking, Crash,” the intern said with a dramatic sigh. 

“Who are?” Whitaker said, before his eyes grew wide and he looked between Abbot and Robby. “Oh.”

“Fuck my life,” Robby whimpered. “Fuck my entire fucking life. Just put me out of my misery. I don’t care anymore.” 

“Well, I do,” Jack pointed out. “I really want them to fix your dick, I’m pretty fond of it.”

The three newbies grimaced at the thought of their attendings together. Jack laughed, loud and bright. Robby whimpered again.

Heather wanted to be disgusted at the thought of Abbot and Robby together. The thought of her attendings fucking should be weird, gross and inappropriate. However, she couldn’t help but think that it was pretty fucking hot. She was obviously attracted to Robby. And Jack… She doubted there was a person alive who wouldn’t find him attractive. The thought of them together… Yeah, it was hot.

“How about we start with some morphine and then we’ll see what we’re working with?” Heather said, realising she should probably start to take control of the situation.

They didn’t need any fancy equipment to diagnose Robby’s injury. When they got his pain under control so that they could finally get Robby into a gown and start the exam, Heather saw the extent of the damage. While she didn’t have the same equipment so to say, seeing the swelling and bruised dick of her ex, she felt sympathetic pain. 

Whitaker turned white as a sheet at the sight, crossing his legs and grimacing. 

“So, I don’t want to ask this and I don’t want to hear the answer, but I have to,” Heather sighed. “What actually happened?”

Robby glared at her, narrowing his eyes. Now that he was no longer squirming around in pain, the embarrassment seemed to have set it. 

“Slipped out, went to thrust back in,” he explained through gritted teeth. “Then… Crunch.”

Donnie, who’d come in to give Robby something against the nausea morphine could cause, cringed and whimpered at the description. 

“Yeah, exactly,” Robby nodded in agreement. 

“Okay, well, I think it’s safe to say it’s a penile fracture,” Heather pulled the blanket up to cover Robby back up. “I’ll ask urology to come down.”

Chapter Text

It always amazed Jack how fast news spread through the ED. He went with Robby as he was taken up to Pre-Op and stayed with him until they rolled him into the OR. Jack was a man of action, he would go insane if he just sat around and waited for Robby’s surgery to be done, so he decided he might as well go home to get some things. 

While he was on the way back down to the ED to give Dana an update, he got an email. It was from HR, inviting him and Robby to a meeting to talk about their relationship, potential conflicts of interests and to sign some papers. Damn, that was fast. 

As he stepped out of the elevator, it felt like all eyes snapped to him and when he caught the eye of a few of them, they grinned. 

Well, it was only a matter of time. Both he and Robby had wanted to keep it a secret for a while, but they knew that it wouldn’t be forever. Jack would perhaps have preferred if it had happened in a bit less disastrous way, but hey, what could you do?

“Hey, how’s our boy?” Dana asked as he came up to stand by Central. 

“Embarrased, humbled and in surgery,” Jack announced. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dana playfully shoved at his shoulder. “I’m really happy for you!”

Jack shrugged. 

“We were going to. Eventually.” 

Dana rolled her eyes. 

“Well, everyone knows now. And everyone knows what Robby’s dick looks like.”

“Alright, now, hold on,” Jack put his hands up. “It doesn’t usually look like that.”

“So it’s not blue and crooked usually?” 

Jack grimaced. 

“You’re a horrible person.” 

“I could have made you go sit in chairs,” she pointed out. “I was tempted to.”

“Well, I am eternally glad you did not,” Jack covered her hand with his. “Because I rather like getting my brains fucked out.”

It got the desired reaction, as Dana grimaced and slapped his shoulder, pushing him away. 

“Go away, you fiend.” 

“And I like fucking Robby’s brains out. Why limit yourself to one thing?” 

“Oh my god, go away, I beg of you. I never want to hear anything more about your sex life ever again.”  

Jack gave her a wink before he stepped away from the counter. 

“I think God sent you and Robby to punish me,” Dana said solemnly.

Chapter Text

Robby’s phone chimed. 

How’s the dick healing, boss? :)

He groaned and threw the phone onto the empty side of the bed. 

“You good?” Jack asked as he came into the bedroom, rubbing a towel over his wet hair. 

Jack looked so good right out of the shower. Towel wrapped loosely around his hips, chest flushed from the heat of the shower and freckles covering the magnificent pecs and shoulders. It was usually a sight that made Robby’s loins stir. But since his dick was still healing from having been stitched back together, it didn’t even get him going.

“I think I’m going to resign," Robby sighed, his eyes still fixed on Jack’s torso. 

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic?” Jack turned around to rummage through the drawers for some clean clothes. Robby had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from groaning at the sight of the muscles in Jack’s back. 

Robby’s phone chimed again. He grabbed it. A text from Heather. 

Should I feel insulted that you never fucked me hard enough to break anything? 

Robby hid his face in his hands. 

“I’m going to quit,” he said, voice muffled from behind his hands. “I’m going to leave medicine. I’m going to become a hermit.” 

“Drama queen,” Jack said affectionately. Robby felt a hand settle on the back of his head and a kiss pressed against his hair. “You have two weeks off, by the time you go back, it’ll be forgotten.”

Two weeks later, Robby walked back into work. He was eager to get back into it, he had forgotten how boring it was to be on sick leave. And Jack had managed to convince him that everyone had moved on. His misadventure had to have been forgotten by now. 

“Good morning,” he said to Samira as he passed her. 

“Hey Robby,” she gave him a shiteating grin. “Need help with your dick again?” 

Yep, he was going to resign.