Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jason heard of parents who let their kids sleep with them whenever they had nightmares. He was never one of those kids, since Catherine was always too high to notice he’s there half of the time and Willis was too piss drunk to do anything with Jason besides slapping him across the room, but he’d seen plenty of shows and read plenty of books of people who actually had parents who cared about them. Still, he never understood how it was supposed to be comforting. Sleeping always felt more of a chore than the refreshing experience he was told it was supposed to feel like, and the thought of sleeping with someone else sounded less than appealing.

When he was still going to school, the other kids he talked to described the process as kind of a far off, drifting feeling, where your mind starts to float away until you eventually go to sleep. Jason never felt that though. It was always just his mind on its highest alert until he either just blacks out, or crashes, has a nightmare, and opens his eyes to the darkness of his room.

Still, Jason had always clung onto the idea of being comforted and having someone keeping him safe. He spent his entire life having to defend himself, that just being able to have a break, even for a little bit, sounded like just another luxury he couldn’t afford.

Moving in with Bruce wasn’t supposed to be any less demanding than any other place he’d stayed, and he didn’t understand how Bruce was acting like this was meant to be anything different. He’d been told the same by every other adult in his life that pledged they’d keep him safe always ended up betraying that fragile trust the moment they got even a sliver of it. It was more exhausting than anything. Jason was fighting for his life, damn it, and he was tired of putting that same life in the hands of the wrong people.

He was tired of never knowing who actually wanted to help him, if anyone at all, and who just wanted a pliant little kid to smuggle drugs or get them money in ways no amount of wealth would ever be enough to repay Jason for. He was tired of thinking about the kids who had it so good and never had to survive off of pure chance with nothing at all to fall back on. He was just tired.

He envied the kids he saw sleep with their parents. As much as he was convinced in his head that being unconscious with anyone in the same area would just stress him out more than calm him down, Jason was still hooked on the idea of just letting someone else carry all of his stress for him.

— — — — —

Jason had been living with Bruce for a couple months now, and this was definitely different from anything he’d ever experienced before. Bruce didn’t drink or do drugs; he didn’t try to keep food locked away from Jason when he messed up; he didn’t even yell at him, which the chronic headaches that still plagued Jason’s brain from the countless voices raised far too high, way too close to his ears were eternally grateful for. For the whole thing probably being a ruse to gain Jason’s trust, it was a nice change of pace.

Still, despite Bruce starting to become more trustworthy in his eyes, Jason was definitely still not getting enough sleep. If he thought going to sleep was hard when he was younger, when he knew the rules, and when he could sleep to avoid the most trouble, he had no idea how much harder it was with a guy who was frustratingly vague on what Jason was even doing at his house in the first place.

He spent days awake in constant fear of the consequences of letting his guard down, even though Jason practically slept with one eye open since he would be so alert when he actually did fall asleep that he woke up to the slightest noises. He barely even dreamed; it was all just passing out at random times throughout the night, where only minutes have passed. Even when he did dream, it was always just memories of everything horrible that happened to him that he stored deep in the back of his mind and never let anyone know about. Sleeping always left him even more exhausted afterwards.

That night, it was a particularly vivid one of Willis throwing him across the floor so rough that Jason ended up tearing up his arm on one of the nails that was loose on one of the floorboards, then having it spit on, with the mixture of alcohol making it even more painful for his open wound. He still had the scar, though he wore his hoodie most of the time to cover it up, even after Bruce took him in. He didn’t wanna think about it.

Jason jerked up from his position on his bed, blinking as the memory faded out of his vision, being replaced with the darkness of his room, only lit up by the moonlight creeping in through his windows.

He always hated these nights. He wished he could just forget about everything he went through and get the sleep that he was told he was supposed to be getting. Sure, he wasn’t entirely sure that sleep was supposed to feel good afterwards, but Bruce had a tendency of changing everything for him. One time he pulled Jason into a sidehug, which to Bruce didn’t seem like a big deal, but to Jason it was earth-shattering. Jason didn’t even know that people actually gave hugs before then, and the slight amount of meaningless physical contact that didn’t hurt; it felt amazing. If Bruce could introduce him to touch that actually felt good and didn’t hurt, that wasn’t just skin accidentally brushing against his, then maybe he could let Jason sleep in his room like he’d seen in media.

Jason slowly crept out of his room and across the hall to Bruce’s. He knew he should be terrified doing this. If he ever did anything like this with anyone else he knew, he would’ve been hit or at the very least, reprimanded. Jason was too tired to care though. He was sick of having to keep his guard up all of the time and he was so jealous of watching everyone else be able to be so calm. He just wanted to be safe for once.

He slowly opened Bruce’s door and all of his anxieties hit him at once. Everyone he’s ever known would never let him do anything like this. He didn’t understand how he felt comfortable enough with Bruce, who he hasn’t even been living with for over a few months, enough to go sleep in the same room with him. It wasn’t like he was gonna be fully unconscious, since the most he did when he slept was black out a few times, but it was still scary for him to even be semi-unconscious in the same room as an adult.

He stood in the doorway, hiding behind the door, and just waited. He was shaking, too scared to come up to Bruce but also too scared to leave. Why would Bruce even care? Just because Jason was nervous to do something as stupid as sleeping?

Just as Jason was about to leave, Bruce stirred. Jason’s breath caught in his throat as he hid further behind the door. His anxiety spiked, not knowing what would happen. Last time he’d woken up Willis, it ended up with him sleeping on the streets for the night, which wasn’t exactly a great experience for a kid in Crime Alley. He knew Bruce was nothing like his other parents, but it was still terrifying.

“Jason?” Bruce’s sleepy voice broke him out of his thoughts. He sounded caught off guard, which Jason could understand. It wasn’t everyday that the distrusting boy that kept everyone far away showed up at the older man’s door in the middle of the night seeking comfort; he was just so tired and he wanted to just go to sleep without nightmares, even if it was just time passing by intermittently. As long as he wasn’t remembering the worst parts of his past, he considered it a win.

Jason looked down, not wanting to meet Bruce’s gaze. This was all too new and terrifying for him and his brain was definitely not alert enough to be making such a feat.

“I-” Jason cut himself off, racking his brain to try to find a way to put what he wanted to say into words. “Can I sleep in here?” Jason squeezed his eyes shut, keeping his head cast downward; awaiting his fate of either getting sent back to his room or getting hit for even thinking about asking. Why was he even here? He already knew the answer was no.

Bruce just stared at him for a moment, carefully picking apart his body language in a way that made Jason feel completely exposed. “Of course you can, Jaylad. Are you alright?” Bruce was sitting up now, looking way too concerned for Jason’s liking. He was just being stupid, and now he was wasting Bruce’s time by not toughing it out like he has been for the past twelve years. If his parents saw this, they’d be ashamed right now.

“Nah, I’m alright. It’s stupid.” Jason said, slowly walking into the room. He’s never done anything like this before and he didn’t know entirely what to do with himself. He eventually ended up standing in front of Bruce’s bed, awaiting the silent invite to lie down next to him.

Bruce spoke again once he lifted the covers and Jason, extremely aware of his surroundings and overthinking where he was supposed to be, finally crawled in, moving slowly and deliberately until settling with curling up atop Bruce’s chest, “It’s not stupid if it’s upsetting you, Jay.”

Jason… was not expecting that. He was used to hearing the complete opposite; that he wasn’t worth enough to be complaining about something so unimportant. There were people who were dying all throughout Crime Alley, and he was complaining about his headaches or how he couldn’t sleep like everyone else. Sure, he didn’t believe Bruce in the slightest whenever he told him that he was important, but it felt good to hear either way. Jason wasn’t sure why.

“I just remembered something I didn’t wanna. It happens all the time,” Jason dismissed, slowly lowering his head down to lay against Bruce. The steady rhythm of his heart and gentle rising and falling of his chest calming some of Jason’s anxieties.

Bruce just looked at him empathetically, “Oh, I get those too, chum. I’m sorry.”

Jason just hummed lazily. He knew that this happened to everyone and this was just another normal thing that he was too sensitive to handle. He didn’t deserve to be allowed to wake Bruce up with something so minute as this, but here he was.

He continued to lay there, staring at the wall as he tried not to think about the memories stored away from his childhood. It’s practically the same as every other night, besides the fact that now he had Bruce’s breathing pattern to focus on besides the unchanging walls.

It didn’t feel any different from when Jason was sleeping in his own room, so, unless a bunch of kids were just easily comforted that listening to someone breathing can do the trick, he felt like he could confidently say that everything he’d heard say that this type of thing helped them sleep was just another lie he let himself fall for. He didn’t understand how he could have his guard up like he did, yet be so gullible.

That was until Bruce’s hand made its way into Jason’s hair; carefully running it through his curls as his dull fingernails lightly scratched the top of his scalp.

His breath hitched. Hands in hair always meant getting yanked and thrown around. This was so much different from what he was used to; this felt so good, and it didn’t stop. Jason didn’t even realize that he was lifting his head up with a slight whine, trying to lean into the touch until he felt Bruce’s hand gently pushing his head down back against his chest. Jason couldn’t remember touch ever feeling like this, even from his mom, who didn’t hurt him like Willis did.

Jason felt Bruce’s other hand move up to gently rub soothing patterns onto his back, and that alone was enough to make Jason’s body melt against him. He slowly uncurled himself, becoming splayed out across Bruce’s chest as his aching nerves, hurting from years of abuse, were being soothed under the touch.

Bruce started to rub Jason in a certain spot behind his ear that made it hard for him to even keep his eyes open. Jason whined again when Bruce started to move his hand away, trying to get him to keep scratching the same area. He was too lost in pure bliss to even register what he was doing, or how if that was with anyone else Jason knew, he would’ve gotten shoved off the bed for not being grateful enough that he was getting treated like this in the first place, but Bruce just chuckled and moved his hand back, which settled Jason back down. He could’ve sworn he heard himself purr from how nice his body felt, which Bruce apparently heard as he let out a slight titter in amusement.

Jason couldn’t even think anymore; his brain completely foggy from the sensations lulling him to a feeling of inattentiveness that he’d never felt before. It was like his brain just had its switch turned off for the first time and now he was floating in between that brain fog and the feeling of Bruce stroking his back. It was so much better than having to constantly stay on guard and defend himself. Bruce would do that for him. Right now he could relax.

“Is this what it’s supposed to feel like?” Jason wasn’t registering anything coming out of his mouth right then. He was more lost in finally experiencing that feeling of safety he’d been longing for his entire life.

Bruce smiled slightly and cocked his head in confusion. “What?”

Jason slurred a bit as he spoke, trying to remember how to formulate words in the state of mind he was in. “When I was younger, the kids at school said that you’re supposed to feel like your brain’s turning off, and that’s how it feels right now.”

Bruce paused for a beat before continuing to pet Jason. Did he say something wrong? Jason’s mind started to fight to come back, sensing the shift in atmosphere. It was fighting a losing battle though, as Bruce pulled Jason a bit closer, making him feel even more secure, drowning out Jason’s instinctual habit of overwhelming himself with worry. Anxiety had been drilled into him his entire life, and Jason was astounded that Bruce was able to make it go away.

It hadn’t even been over 15 minutes (which was Jason’s quickest time for falling asleep, even after being completely drained) and Jason already felt his eyes becoming heavy whilst slowly becoming less aware of his surroundings and, for the first time, drifting off into actual sleep; entrusting Bruce with his safety for a short while and finally letting himself just rest to the feeling of gentle touch across his body.

— — — —

Jason slowly woke up; his eyes blurry as they adjusted to the sunlight lighting up Bruce’s bedroom. He stretched lazily as the remnants of a meaningless dream slowly fading away; nothing like the flashbacks he’d typically experience whenever he slept. He blinked slowly as none of his muscles had the ache he had grown used to and there was none of the overwhelming exhaustion that always lingered in his brain. He’d never felt like this before, especially not after having to sleep.

Jason picked his head up slightly in confusion. Was this what he’d been hearing about all of his life? God, what had he been missing out on for the past 12 years?

Bruce, who had apparently woken up before him, gave a small smile at the complete awe the boy was in. Jason wasn’t paying attention to that though, he was more focused on how he just experienced, in Jason’s mind, the most impossible, unrealistic experience in the world, just at the drop of a dime. He was dumbfounded to say the least.

Jason just sat on Bruce’s chest for a bit, still not completely woken up. “I didn’t know it was supposed to feel good after,” Jason whispered absentmindedly, and he really didn’t. He had no idea what the sleep other people talked about was like but this was far from anything he could have imagined.

Bruce looked sad again and slowly lifted his hand to comb his hand through Jason’s hair again, the effect still the same as it was last night and Jason let go of the mood shift and let himself let out a contented sigh as he melted against the touch.

If this was the sleep he’d heard about, then those kids were definitely right, and now that he had Bruce, Jason could live with that.