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"Nat, are - are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm fucking sure, bear."
"I don't really know how to-"
"That's why Syd is gonna help."
"Syd?" He says her name dumbly, like he's never heard it before.
"Yeah. Syd."
"Why?"
"Because both of you have the day off and no lives. So you're the only ones available and I'm not sure I trust either of you alone with a baby. You know how awkward she gets with them and I won't even get started about you."
"That's interesting, uh, logic."
"Interesting? It's fucking fool proof."
"Me and Syd being the fools in this particular instance?"
"What do you think?"
And that short clipped conversation is exactly how Carmy got into this situation. Ten o'clock on a Sunday and watching his sister run around her house like a mad scientist gathering supplies for their next experiment.
"Okay, so you know what time to feed her. Make sure the bottle is warm!"
"I got it, Nat."
Pete chimes in next to her, pulling at the ends of his hair, "check her diaper a lot. She's been pooping more lately."
Carmen scrunches his nose and his sister gives him a look. "What?"
"Kind of fucking gnarly."
"Yeah, well, get used to it." She flips her hair over her shoulder and slides a checklist over to him before looking around the room again. "Okay, what else? What else - oh! She needs one more nap like around two-"
"And if she wants her pacifier, give her the green one! Not the blue!" Pete grabs his shoulders, his look so serious Carmy has to hide his laugh behind his hand.
"What happens if it's blue?" Quite dramatically, they both shiver and he rolls his eyes.
"Never give her the fucking blue." Natalie points at him sternly and he puts his hands up in surrender.
"Okay, I won't. Fuck."
The doorbell rings and Pete goes to get it, returning with Sydney in tow. "Hey, hi."
"Syd! You're here, great. We're gonna be late. There's a list on the counter. Just follow it and everything should be fine."
"Awesome."
Pete and Nat start to gather their things and head out the door but not before Natalie at him and once again reminds him, "never the fucking blue, bear."
"Yes, Natalie, I understand."
"Love you!"
"Yeah, you too."
The door shuts, leaving him and Sydney alone in the quiet of the room. "What uh, what's wrong with blue?" She asks, a bit timid, mouth curved to the side.
"Blue pacifier. Sophie hates it."
"Oh. What will happen?"
"Armageddon, apparently."
She snickers, squinting her eyes at him. "Did you come up with that joke all by yourself?"
"Was it funny?"
"Wasn't half bad." She shrugs, playing along, her eyes shining.
"Then yes, I did."
"So if it wasn't? You wouldn't have taken credit?"
"Nope."
"Appreciate the honesty. Who would you have blamed it on?"
"Too much cable TV maybe." Before she can respond, a cry sounds through the house and they both sigh, a bit apprehensive before taking their jackets off.
"So it begins." She comments.
Sydney follows Carmy's lead up the stairs and into Sophie's room. She feels a little nervous, she's never been very good with kids. Especially babies. But she couldn't say no to Nat. Even if her fucking brother that Sydney still didn't know how to feel about was going to be here.
...or maybe she said yes because he was going to be here.
Anyway, that's a thought for another time.
But even if she wanted to think about it, she couldn't, because Carmy's cooing at his niece and her brain goes dead. She's pretty sure if she tapped at her temple it'd sound hollow.
"I know, I know, Sophie," her cries quiet down to small sniffles when he picks her up, "It's okay, sweetheart." Her head settles on his shoulder and she points her big blue eyes at Sydney. "Wanna say hi to Syd?"
The baby only lets out a loud, "eh!" since she can't talk yet and Syd twists her arms behind her back.
"Nice to see you too, Sophie."
Carmen snorts at her remark, shaking his head, "you know she can't talk right?"
"I was being polite."
"Well, I'm sure she appreciates the gesture."
She rolls her eyes at him, turning and skipping down the steps, "you're just a haterr."
"Of you? Never."
"So a fan then?"
"Was it not obvious?"
She refrains from answering even though she could. Things between them have been peculiar lately. It's as if their entire relationship had been revamped. This new connection intense and bright but still, at its core, the same as before. Still as deep, as reckoning, as raw, just as filling. But with less hiding, apprehension ever-present but they don't lead with it very much anymore.
He seems different from himself. Or maybe he's actually more of himself. She never realized that she didn't really actually know Carmy. Rather she didn't know who he was outside of the restaurant and not blinded by his trauma. It's nice. She likes him. A lot.
She doesn't know how wonderful she is. He thinks it's a crime. He's seeing new shades of her. Bright and brilliant and it's what he's been longing for.
But they're still not really anything...are they? They're both too stubborn and afraid to admit what their relationship is possibly forming into.
Except co-babysitters. They can agree on that.
"I'm surprised it's just a checklist and not an entire book."
"I guess Nat is a little off her game."
Sydney flips through the few pages and puts her chin in her hand. And fuck, it's so hard to not admire her. So he doesn't even try not to anymore. He always fails anyway.
"You're doing it again." She sing-songs, pointing at him without looking so she can hide her smile at his attention.
"Sorry."
She flips her hair over her shoulder and notices the slight smirk hanging on his lips, "are you?" she challenges and Sophie starts to giggle out of nowhere. "Even Soph knows you're full of it."
"Sophie." He starts to scold in jest and lifts her up to his face. "You're supposed to be on my side."
"Sucks to not be the favorite. Couldn't be me."
"Blasphemy, Syd."
"Truth hurts, Carm."
Sophie, for her part, doesn't agree with either of them, sparring both their egos from victory. Instead, she takes special interest in the blonde curls of her uncle's hair, grabbing fistfuls in her chubby little fingers and whining when he attempts to pull her away. He starts to chuckle, not moving but when she starts trying to pull strands off, Sydney decides to step in with a set of chewy keys that is supposed to help with teething.
"Soph, come on, stop torturing him." Sydney grins, holding the toy up to her and she reaches out slowly, letting her attention be pulled away as she puts it in her mouth immediately. When Carmy settles her on his hip, she flips around, "you're welcome."
"My hero." He quips as she looks at the checklist again.
"Uh, it says to start to warm up the bottle."
"Oh right. That's a thing..."
"It must suck to be a baby. Can only drink milk and mushy baby food."
"I don't think babies mind."
"Well, I think I probably did." He looks straight at her, his expression sassier than it needs to be when he has a baby on his arm and a bottle in his hand.
"You overestimate the smartness of your adolescent brain."
"On the contrary, I think you underestimate it." Sophie swings her arm out toward Sydney, handing the toy back to her and ending their conversation. "Done already? Okay."
"Hey, actually, can you hold her for a sec?"
She gulps, suddenly sitting up straight, "oh, um-"
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Oh." She doesn't really know what he meant or what she was agreeing to but she hopes that he knows what she means somehow.
He blows out a breath, "okay."
"Does that make me a bad person?"
"That you haven't held her yet? No, I don't think so. I mean...I didn't even come to see her before she came to the bear so." He shrugs, looking down at the counter. And honestly, she doesn't know why he's still beating himself up over that. Sure, it was shitty but he's shown up in more ways for Sophie than she can count since then.
"I'm kind of, very adamant about not holding newborns. Like, I don't feel comfortable, they're so fragile y'know? But then after, Natalie never asked me if I wanted to, which I was glad for, because I'm still sort of uncomfortable, I guess." She wrings her hands together, feeling more awkward than ever and Carmy puts the bottle down before rounding the counter to stand beside her.
"I get it...I felt weird too, but it'll be fine. Trust me."
She matches their gazes and sighs, "you really think I should?"
"Well, you are Auntie Syd so, probably."
"Shut up. Okay. Let's do this then." She claps her hands as if she's getting ready to catch an insane curveball being launched at her instead of just holding her kind of niece and Carmy doesn't attempt to hold in his laughter.
"Calm down, it's not that serious." He looks down at Sophie and kisses her head, "be nice to Syd, okay? She's new to this." He lifts her up and nudges his head toward Sydney's hands, "hold her under her arms okay? It's not that difficult, we just don't want her to cry."
"Cry? Hold on-" She wanted to pull away upon hearing that but it's too late, Carmy's putting her in her hands and she can't stop it. Sophie's face scrunches together and they both go still, bracing for a wail but it never comes. She calms down after kicking her legs out and reaches for her chin.
"See? Nothing to worry about. She loves you."
Sydney laughs at herself and her former apprehension, "okay, maybe I was being a bit dramatic."
"Just a little bit." He holds his pointer finger and thumb close together to show her the small amount of distance and she sticks her tongue out at him.
"Don't you have something to do?"
"Yes, I do." He scurries back over to the stove and gets to work while Sydney gets her nose pulled on by curious little fingers.
"You sure do like touching faces, huh?" Sophie brushes her hand against her cheek and Sydney smiles, "it's okay. I don't mind." The baby utters a tiny sigh and nuzzles on her shoulder, making Sydney lean back in her chair to accommodate the position. "Oh, do we just need a hug? I can do that." She whispers and rubs her back gently.
"So, you didn't have any plans today?" He asks, leaning over the stove still.
"Nope. And I know you didn't either."
"Of course you know. When do I ever have any damn plans?"
When he brings the bottle over, Sophie sits upward and all of a sudden looks at the ceiling, uttering a small sound and lifting her hands up toward it. Carmy and Sydney both look up at dry plaster and pretend to be amazed. Both widening their eyes dramatically, Sydney holding her hand over her mouth in faux awe because geez, it's actually not that hard for a baby to be entertained, is it?
"So cool, huh, bear?"
"Yeah, it's nice and high and..." Sydney struggles to find another word to describe the bland ass ceiling which is apparently an effective robber of a baby's fascination. "Beige?"
"I think it's eggshell."
"Does it really matter?"
He shrugs, gesturing for her to pass his niece back to him, "guess not."
They go for a walk around the neighborhood after that. Some people wave, some stare, others coo at Sophie when they walk by as she chews on her fist. The wind blows steadily around them and Sydney makes sure that Sophie's jacket and beanie are on correctly.
A smile curves the side of her mouth when she looks over at Carmy and notices the resemblance between their outfits. Both wearing a patchwork brown jacket and black beanie.
"You got her this jacket, didn't you?" He brings his gaze over to her.
"It's a nice jacket." He shrugs.
"I can't fight you there. You're a dumbass," she whispers to him conspiratorially, as if Sophie would be able to suddenly form words and shout it out. "But at least you have good taste."
"Thank you and fuck off."
"Carm!"
"You can say dumbass but I can't say fuck?"
"That's definitely worse than what I said."
"Sydney. Trust me, if this kid is anything like me and Nat, she'll be swearing like a sailor by nine years old."
"You say that like it's an accomplishment."
He shrugs, scratching his nose, "definitely a milestone in my family."
"Why is Berzatto lore so messed up?"
"Lore?" Sydney sighs dramatically at his lack of internet knowledge.
"Lore is like history."
"Oh, well. Alcoholism is probably why then. And you met some of them, you know we're not exactly a shining example of familial love." Carmen reaches out, pulling Sophie from her arms and guiding her away from the street with a hand on her back at the same time. "But Sophie's gonna be one of the good ones." He comments quietly, grinning at his niece and Sydney lets them keep that moment between themselves.
After a moment, she looks at themselves, "this actually isn't so hard. I don't know why Natalie was freaking out so much." She says, nodding her head in triumph.
Sydney has never been more wrong in her fucking life. How can someone with such a tiny set of lungs scream that loud?
"Sophie, please."
She had fucked up and given her the blue pacifier instead of green and as they were warned, all hell broke loose.
"Why does Nat still keep the fucking thing if this is what happens?" He has to yell slightly so Sydney can hear him over the noise.
"Language!"
"That's what we're worried about right now?"
They're at a complete loss. They've tried to feed her again, put her to sleep, rock her, put her in her crib. Nothing has worked and the constant wailing is sort of making them lose their minds.
Carmen shushed and rocked while Sydney frantically tried to mop up the spilled bottle. He had tried to do it himself but the second Sophie caught some of the possibility that she might be passed over to Sydney - now the ultimate betrayer - she cried bloody murder.
There's also milk on the bottom of her pants and there's vomit on his jacket that he tried to scrub off with his free hand but had given up midway.
Sydney checks the list again and puts her head in hands, they'd done everything to try and soothe her. "We can control a whole kitchen of sleep deprived, stress ridden adults but we can't do this?"
"I don't think it's on the same level of difficulty - Sophie." He interrupts himself when she yanks on his chain, starting to lose her breath from crying so much.
"You know what? Fuck this." Sydney mutters under her breath and moves into the living room with him. She starts to search around the room for the remote and turns on the TV.
She puts on sesame street but that doesn't please Sophie one bit, evident by the way she turns her head into her Uncle's neck and sobs. "What kid doesn't like Elmo?"
She tries another channel. The backyardigans? No. (She's seriously starting to believe this kid has no taste)
My little pony? Hell no.
Curious George? Another sob.
She accidentally turns on the food network and sounds of the winter baking championship fill the room, immediately making her quiet.
Sophie lifts her head up carefully, almost as if she's contemplating what's playing on the screen. Carmen and Sydney both don't move.
After a few minutes of watching a woman twists fondant candy canes, a gummy smile breaks out on Sophie's face and they both breathe a sigh of relief. "You like the bakers, sweetheart?" She reaches a hand out as if trying to touch the cake batter on television herself and that pretty much answers Carmen's question.
Sydney collapses back onto the couch, rubbing at her eyes as happy baby giggles start to fill the room. Carmen sits down gingerly but Sophie doesn't put up a fuss anymore, letting him move again.
Sydney hands her one of her teething toys again and she mumbles incoherently around it, her eyelids fluttering shut every now and then. Two episodes later, she's fast asleep on Carmy and he places her in the pack and play with a blanket and a quiet prayer that she won't wake up for a while.
"If she really likes baking, I think Marcus might be promoted to favorite Uncle."
"That would fuck me up, I think."
He falls down onto the couch face first, kicking his shoes off and putting his palm up toward her. She stretches her arm out over the distance to complete the high-five. But it's weak from their combined exhaustion so their arms fall down to the side, the sight almost comical.
"Babies show no mercy, do they?"
"They really don't give a shit. At all."
On the screen, some guy's edible ice sculpture crashes onto the tabletop but they both had fallen asleep, too exhausted to stay up any longer.
Under an hour later, at some time close to ten, Natalie and Pete spill through the door, all smiles until they see the unruly state of their home before them. To be fair, it wasn't really that put together when they left though.
Natalie maneuvers between the toys and random baby products on the floor to make her way to the living room, finding both her babysitters curled up on the couch and Sophie fast asleep in the pack and play.
Pete comes in behind her, taking in the scene himself. "They did better than I thought."
Natalie snorts and smacks at his arm. "Put Sophie to bed, will you? I'll take care of this."
He does what she says as she walks over to her brother's side and pokes his forehead. He groans immediately, knowing it's her without even opening his eyes. "Fuck off, Sugar."
"Get up." She taps Sydney shoulder lightly until she stirs, "you two aren't sleeping on my couch."
"Oh, c'mon, Nat. I literally can't get up." Sydney mumbles, waving her hand limply.
"Your child decided it would be fun to run us into the ground." Carmen grumbles, his face still squished into the couch cushion.
"Yeah, that's her love language."
"Chaos?" Carmen asks, voice full of sarcasm and Sydney sticks up a finger to continue his questioning.
"Screaming for her life?"
"Calm down. She's a baby. Now, get up, c'mon." They both whine in disagreement and Natalie groans, "I'm trying to help you. If you stay here the back pain will be a bitch tomorrow." She grunts, pulling on her brother's shirt to get him to comply. It makes her feel like she's twelve again, attempting to make her brothers' be responsible and go to sleep at a decent time so they won't fall asleep in class. It makes her smile.
But Carmy weighs more than he did when he was seven and it takes her a minute to move his sleeping form. Because she can't accommodate his weight, he topples onto the floor instead with a loud groan. "Ow. Fuck you, Natalie."
"Oh, fuck off. You were like two feet off the ground."
"I'm injured."
"So dramatic." He flips her off and she tilts her head, "oh, so you can move."
"Eat shit."
Natalie shakes her head and turns toward Sydney who had seen the whole debacle and upon catching the blonde's stare, she quickly sits up. "I'm up. I'm up. Don't hurt me."
A puff of amusement leaves Nat as she rolls her eyes, "yeah, yeah. Upstairs we go. You both can take the guest room."
Natalie pushes them both up the stairs and makes them change into some clothes she had laying so they won't get the bed dirty. "Now go to fucking sleep and stop whining. Thank you and I love you." She shuts the door and Carmy and Sydney sigh in exhaustion. In their half-asleep daze, it doesn't even click that they're same bed. Or maybe they just chose not to make a big deal of it.
Sydney yawns and pulls the duvet over her shoulder, "you're not a space hogger, are you?" She mumbles, peeking at him.
His eyes are already closed, halfway asleep so he just murmurs a quick, "mhmm."
Sleep finds her shortly after.
When she wakes the next morning, his arm is wrapped securely around her waist, and she has a particularly strong urge to lean into his touch which she listens too. And if she decides to sleep more for the very simple reason of staying in his arms, well, that's something she'll keep to herself.