Archive of Our Own ^beta

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hi there :) this is my diary
as i put in the desc, i don't want a chance of anyone i know finding this and i don't want to feel like i'm attention seeking.
read with caution- this will deal with mental health struggles, bullying, abuse (emotional, physical, occasionally sexual), suicidal thoughts/ideations/attempts, etc. so pls be aware of those, i may not trigger tag them because i'd like to freely write.
if you think you know me, pls leave or read with caution and do not share this diary with anyone you think i know or you know.
i read the perks of being a wallflower recently, and wondered if maybe i should try a digital diary because all my physical ones have kind of failed :( i love charlie very much so i'm trying to write to feel better
some things will be formatted like letters to ppl!
um anyway have fun reading i'll try to update a lot

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hello! here's some stuff about me in case you're curious i'm freshly 16 (yay), and a junior in high school. now, i wouldn't usually share that info- but no one here knows me, so i think it is pretty safe (and no one will read this, lol.) i love videogames, anime/manga, music, art, and my friends/family like a normal teenager. i'm very happy to be like that because i think i wouldn't be the same if i didn't love those things.

i'm pretty introverted (0 irl friends, all over text or online who i meet with sometimes), i don't really like talking irl and i say about 2 sentences a day max if i'm not in my house. i'm not lonely, per se? i feel lonely sometimes. but it's not like lonely how it's always described to me. lonely to other people is more like bored to me. lonely to me is more like deep sadness to other people. i don't know if that makes sense or just sounds like a sad bart simpson edit. like being lonely to me doesn't happen often and when it does it hurts a lot. i think sometimes about how i'm alone- i'll be dancing to something in my room, imagining myself at a party in some world where it doesn't make me want to throw up to be in a crowd, and i'll realize- wow, i'm making lots of memories alone in my room! is that good or bad? bad, probably. oh well, let's forget, back to music!! i love playing among us with my online friends. they love me, i think! they're always so nice and caring and funny. i'm not so alone when i play with them.

one of my favorite games is splatoon! my favorite characters are marina and shiver. they remind me of me. i even themed my splat3 locker after shiver, she's so prittyyy :) i registered for the north america league competition, hope i win. it would be crazy...

my music taste is pretty big... i listen to a lot of darkwave, vocaloid, visual kei, and uhhhh rock in general tho :) currently i like kiryu, fall out boy, pastel ghost, and maretu.

i am going to look at the first chapter of tpobawf to figure out what i should write here... i'm kinda bad at diaries ummmmm well no one close to me really committed suicide recently, and i'm not really in trouble at school. it is late though (11:25 pm) i do feel like i've lost lots of friends lately, though. mostly online, obv.

i don't like that a lot of ppl start acting mean for no reason or bc they think it looks cool. that's one reason i just cut them off, even though it feels really bad, i can only put up with so much. also, someone who called themself my partner. it was supposed to be platonic- i jsut think ppl are bad at staying platonic. i'm very skilled at it, maybe even a sweat. i just,... don't feel much more than the very powerful pull of deep friendship, which is unpopular to many. they said they were aroace, but i don't think they are because they very much liked saying things i would classify as romantic. and.. they kinda forgot my birthday, when i go out of my way to remember stuff like that.

i mean, that's not the only reason. i'd been thinking about telling them no for a while see one thing abt me is that i move a lot. 18 times in 16 years, to be exact. they were a friend at one of my old schools- since 7th grade. they were really nice at first, shy like me. then something changed in freshman year- they started being a little odd. they called me stuff, shoved me around, talked behind my back, treated their other friends better, got me in trouble, and sometimes hit me or hurt me or stole my stuff.

"why would you ever even be friends with someone like that?" look. i am bad at saying no, and i also didn't have much of a choice to say no to them until my mom banned us from talking. i still talked to them a few months later, but it was over discord after i'd moved again. with one of my other former friends, we talked a lot. one day, they went MIA, and obviously me + other friend were concerned. we called them a lot, but they blocked us. i thought they'd done the worst so i worried. they came back and yelled at us for.. worrying. and said they'd just taken a break. i ghosted them for a while, frustrated. eventually broke it off w my other friend for unrelated reasons. a few months went by and i don't know how but since we were pretty similar they suggested a (platonic) relationship. i accepted. they never rlly apologized for hurting me. and.. frequently were kinda mean and weird. anyway. i guess that ties itself up? 

again, i'm not good at saying no. i'm anxious and a people-pleaser, i keep the peace. i get angry, i yell, i cry, but i regret it. i never want to hurt anyone, i try to stay quiet to not be annoying or to make myself uncomfortable. i've been like this since i was a kid, because i hate anyone else having to deal with me or something. 

i don't know what else to put here 

love, me

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bro.

why the fuck am i the only one in my family who doesn’t get mad at like…. everything,,,, despite having anger issues and feeling a lot like my dad?? i’m literally the worst when it comes to getting mad on my own or in my head, so why am i able to just not let it out? everyone else here, i swear, has to bring up and get in a twist abt EVERYTHING. i’m not saying this to b rude but.. it’s crazy

i accidentally left a little applesauce in the applesauce container bc i was making my brother a snack and didn’t really stop to check how much was really left (it felt like there was a decent amount so i went by that?) and later when i go to set the table because no one else bothers as early as i try to, the applesauce is sitting there and my mom says “it’s for me”?? ok, i quickly realize i made a mistake earlier, and drink a little so i’m not wasting good applesauce, and then throw it out. then my dad (read: stepdad but i’m not saying stepdad every time i refer to him (read: mom’s boyfriend but it’s awkward to call him that)) says to not leave empty containers out ant to use common sense? my good sir, with all due respect and care and love in my heart. Shut the fuck up.

i was making a snack for YOUR KID, not personally trying to piss off and step on every toe in the house. if someone (me?) makes a small mistake, you just FIX IT AND DONT MAKE A BIG STINK. this is what i do. if i brought up every mistake in the house, we would be a very unhappy, very dysfunctional family. because that is genuinely how often i notice people making bigger mistakes. yes, i’m annoying, i’m sorry, i sometimes forget or misjudge things. but it’s never that deep, i swear. and if i do mess up, i apologize instead of acting like a huge dipshit about it.

i love my family, but they need to work on some stuff. namely not acting like i (and my brothers) are a leech and sore on everyone for forgetting normal things.

love, 

me